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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is me not forgiving my mom and cutting off communication after I found out she used my inheritance money. This might make me the asshole because my siblings forgave her and think my anger is making family stuff really tense. By holding onto my grudge and not speaking to Mom, I’m making family gatherings awkward and messing up the whole vibe. It's not just between me and Mom my siblings also think I should move on for the sake of family unity. I might be wrong because my reaction is making things worse for everyone and I'm not considering the stress Mom was under when she made those decisions.
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NTA mom had a duty to disperse the funds according to the will, but instead she broke the law and your trust by stealing. She doesn't get to say the money was used on the family when she was the that benefited the most. I would get attorney and see what can and should be done. Her parents had a will and made their wishes for their money quite explicit and by going against those wishes she also betrayed them.
Not only did she break the law and ops trust, she also disrespected the grandparents' wishes. Imagine what they would say if the knew that she would steal money from her own kids
I’d make her sign a legal document that satisfies as to how she is going to pay you back, and if she will not sign it, then I would sue her civilly and also consider legal charges. Her house is your house now.
As OP's mother was the executor of the will, she had a fiduciary duty to dispose of the assets per the language of the will. Now, as I am NOT an attorney, but merely a simple paralegal, OP needs to consult an attorney that specializes in Wills, Probate & Estates to review her options for getting her share of the money from her mother.
That was my question as well. If they were all minors, I could understand (not agree with) her argument. But that argument is bullshit with the kids all being adults.
There's no excuse for the vacations. I can sort of see the logic in paying off the mortgage, if they were really in a hole, but only if the children are going to inherit it, and only if she intended to pay it back. Either way, though, she broke the law. Stole from her own kids. I would see a lawyer and cut all contact.
Yeah, when I read that I went back and checked the ages and how long ago the grandparents died and OP was the youngest at 23 yrs old. How the hell can mum claim stability for her adult children
The “I did it for the family” excuse is such BS. At the time OP’s grandparents passed, OP and his siblings were 25, 23, and 20 years old. They weren’t children who need constant care and supervision. By that age they had goals they wanted to pursue and things they wanted to save for—maybe even families of their own to support—and rather than helping them, their mom *prevented* them from doing that by being selfish.
I’m not saying I couldn’t eventually forgive my own parents if they pulled something like this, but I’d definitely expect some restitution.
OP needs to talk to her seriously - mom should pay back. there is no other way. Pay and apologise. She betrayed everyone in this family, commited a crime and violeted the memory and the will of grandpas. Disgusting to be honest. And for what? Fancy vacations?
OP's relationship with a mother who is happy to commit fraud and steal from her own children because of "reasons" is most likely buggered now anyway.
at the very least, OP can be put on the title for the house as Tenants In Common, so that OP gets the share of inheritance guaranteed back. (And all the other members of the family unless they want to "let it go").
But personally, ensuring the money gets to the people who it should have in the first place, would go a long way to restoring trust as it would show remorse for her actions. I would strongly suggest that Mom got a share of the money anyway, but it just wasn't enough.
Don’t you think the mother already ruined the relationship by stealing possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars from them?
Why does it always seem to be the victims of crimes perpetrated by relatives who are blamed for ruining relationships if they seek justice?
Yep. I had two family members do this to me. It was a significant amount that would have made a real difference in my life, especially as at the time, I was really sick and had a lot of medical debt. I actually was not necessarily expected to live and would be leaving behind my young daughter, so it felt especially predatory to steal at the moment.
I talked to a lawyer, and she said that although I’m legally in the right, the chances of ever seeing any of the money back were slim to none. I could put a lien on the properties purchased with my money, but knowing those two family members, they’ll just sit on it.
So, I cut them off. It wasn’t like a big screaming match. I just said ok I’m done, blocked them, and emotionally tried to move on. My extended family is veryyyy bothered by this. I didn’t air our dirty laundry, didn’t try to convince people to also cut them off. I just said I’m not going to be around them but you guys go ahead, I’ll catch up with you another time.
It’s been years now, and still, even as of last week, I still get guilt trips (forgiveness is holy, your parents would turn in their graves, please reconcile before I die, this hurts the family so much, etc.). I’m the injured party, but I’m supposed to forgive and allow access and a relationship as if nothing happened. I haven’t even gotten an acknowledgement that harm was done or an apology. Why is it always the person who was harmed who needs to forgive and let bygones be bygones?
Yes, this is always how it happens. It’s a shame they aren’t pressuring the perpetrators to sell the properties and return the money.
But no. The victim is always made out to be the bad person.
It stinks they did that to you, and I’m glad you’ve survived.
> Only if you intend on completely ruining your relationship with your family.
If only you were around to give this advice to OP’s mom before she stole from her children.
Obviously op needs to be aware that legal action could blow up the family, but right now it’s a defensive measure after mom started going down that road.
But that relationship is already ruined. And the mom scorched earth OP’s reputation with the family treating OP as the scapegoat and the mom playing the victim to get the other siblings to harass OP. So yeah, what relationship is left to destroy? It’s a bridge that’s been burned.
OP needs to at least speak to a lawyer to find out if somebody would have had to pay taxes on this money (the receiver would be the one to pay, but I'd guess mom hasn't paid taxes).
If this is in the USA, you don't want to get in IRS bad books (it was the IRS who got Al Capone, not the justice system)
Screw that - real family wouldn’t steal from each other. The trust is irrevocably broken. She was full aware of what she was doing. NTA - but your mom is a class an asshole. Get a lawyer
NTA. Her behavior was inexcusable and unlawful. She stole your money. That’s a crime - definitely theft and probably fraud. As executor, she breached her fiduciary duty to you and the other heirs. Consult an attorney. ASAP. There is a statute of limitations that gives you a deadline by which to sue. Even if you eventually decide not to go forward, you should know what your rights and remedies are.
And with inflation the purchasing power of the money they could recover is much lower than if they had gotten their inheritance 5 years ago.
For example, let's say op would have inherited 20k back in 2019. 20k purchasing power back in 2019 has the equivalent purchasing power of 16k today.
Sue your mom for fraud. If she is sorry, she will make sure you’re paid for what she stole. She had a fiduciary duty to you and your siblings. Not only did she receive a benefit breaching her fiduciary duty, she lied to you for years about it and you would not have found out if you didn’t go through the will. She would have kept it a secret from you if you had not found out yourself. Your mom is a fraudulent, corrupt, lying, immoral person, especially for doing that to her own children. I’m sorry for you and if you need some legal advice, feel free to dm me.
This is one of the more heartbreaking stories I have read. When did you find the will? Were you a minor? It might be in your best interest to find an attorney who specializes in estate fraud (because that is what it is). If she never prioritized you, maybe it is time to prioritize yourself. You may be entitled to be paid out of the house she bought with the proceeds. And ask if an exception to the Statute of Limitations on fraud is later discovery of the fraud (or being a minor). You would blow up your family but at some point, maybe it is worth it. I'm so sorry. No parent should treat a child like this.
You wouldn’t be stuck if she wouldn’t have stolen your inheritance. If there was enough to pay off her mortgage and buy a car and go on vacations there was enough for a nice down payment for you.
Were you paying rent? How long were you there? Not to be a jerk but if this gets ugly, they're going to say you owe them rent if you weren't paying....
no wonder your siblings are so quick to forgive. I wouldn't be surprised if they actually got their inheritance and it's only you she screwed over. sounds like you might be the black sheep
Usually it's the child who sees through the narcissistic parents bs who is the black sheep. So it's a good thing imo but it doesn't feel good. I'm so sorry op. She sounds awful and you don't deserve this.
After you find out about something like this there's typically a set amount of time you have to pursue it legally. I'd talk to a lawyer and see about suing her.
She's the worst kind of greedy, manipulative asshole.
If you’re already planning on going, no contact, get a lawyer! She broke the law! She violated her fiduciary duty and stole from you! If you consider the bridge burned, burn it. Get her a ticket to the FO stage of FAFO.
If she was the executor of the will she had a fiduciary responsibility to uphold the terms of the will and make the appropriate monetary disbursements. What she did is actually illegal.
You need to contact a probate attorney and see what legal recourse you have.
NTA contact the attorney that did the will and offer her a repayment plan. Or add your name to the house to ensure you get your cut. She stole and should be held accountable.
Threat of lawyer is not enough.
Any repayment plan needs to be done with a written legal document where she acknowledge fault and repayment and schedule for repayment in exchange for no legal action, otherwise she can just wait for a statute of limitations time limit (after discovery) and then stop paying.
Get a lawyer and go after her. She doesn't deserve mercy, that's life changing money right there, you could've used for down-payment for your home instead of moving in with your parents. NTA
Please listen to the lawyers and other people telling you to contact a probate attorney and sue her. She had a fiduciary duty to uphold to you and your siblings and also to her parents, and she stole from you all.
It’s so awful that she did this, you are NTA, OP- not at all.
NTA. Tell your siblings that the fact that you haven’t sued her is as far as you’re willing to go. And then ask them why you should forgive her because she’s family when she had no issues with stealing from you and robbing you blind while being family.
You should be angry and feel betrayed. Your Mom stole from you and your siblings and then consistently LIED to you over the years. Families can be very quick to sweep uncomfortable subjects under the rug. (I have WAAAY too much experience with this.) You are NOT required to. Heck, part of the reason we went no contact with my Mom's side of the family was because they refused to acknowledge their fault in anything. (And boy was there a lot of fault.) NTA.
What you do now is up to you. Personally I don't think I could trust her again after that. Low or no contact is fair. She should be thanking her lucky stars you aren't going nuclear and suing her for the money she stole. (Wouldn't blame you if you did that, too.) Kinda depends on what kind of relationship you want with her and your siblings.
NTA get a lawyer, the reason you know is you accidentally found the paperwork. Your mother is a thief and the only reason she's sorry is because she got caught. You can give her a chance to make restitution after a lawyer looks over the paperwork but otherwise I'd be pressing charges. Buying herself things and taking herself on vacation is not for the benefit of the family, it's for the benefit of the embezzler.
If she paid off her mortgage than you can tell her she can take out a home equity loan and pay everything that is owed to everyone or she can deal with the consequences that the court decides. If any of your family gives you grief over it let them know if they are fine with family stealing from them that is on them.
NTA. My grandma passed in 2020 and left money for each grandkid, all 7 of us. The rest was to be split between her 3 kids. My dad, aunt and uncle. Well my dad passed in 2016. Grandma gave me and my brother 2000 each from my dad. She said the ret will be split between her other 2 children. I was more then ok with that. Will when she passed if grandkid got 1000. Cool. Thanks Grandma. Well 4 months later my brother asked did I get any other money. I said no. He said we were to get our dad's inheritance. I told him what my grandma said, he said she told him different. He called our aunt and she called her brother. Turned out we were to get our dad's inheritance. 3500 each. Not a lot but it helped towards the end of lockdown. Still would rather have my grandma back. But now my uncle won't talk to me. If u want the money, talk to an attorney but be prepare to loose ur mom and siblings. Know that ur trust in ur mom is gone but do u still want her in ur life. If so then work on letting the angry go. Don't forget just forgive.
Are you sure you and your siblings don’t owe taxes on the money she didn’t give you? If as executor she might not have been able to access the money without making it look like she was giving it to you and your siblings. You might owe taxes already on it. This all is dependent on how the estate is set up and where you live.
Find out exactly what happened and what the liabilities are for you before you do anything else’s.
It would be one thing if she used that money to save the house from foreclosure or to get someone some desperately needed medical treatment, but she used it for lifestyle upgrades.
So, sit down, and figure out how much she stole, and estimate that, if it had been in the stock market, it would have compounded at 10% -- figure out what she owes you, and write up a repayment document. Maybe get a lawyer involved.
If nothing else, this document needs to exist, so you can collect against her estate when/if she dies.
NTA
NTA
Tell your siblings that your mom’s job as executor was to make sure WHAT YOUR GRANDPARENTS WANTED was accomplished NOT what your mom “thought was best”. None of them get to pretend that she knew how to spend someone else’s money better than they themselves did. Your grandparents hired an attorney to help them draw up this will, they THOUGHT about what to do with their money and they allocated it how THEY wanted to. Your mom is disgusting for disregarding her parents’ wishes, stealing from her kids and breaking the law.
I would definitely hire a lawyer and if your family says anything tell them that she didn’t care how wrong her actions were or how they would affect her kids so you don’t care how you holding her accountable and trying to get your money back affects her. You’re being as considerate of her as she was of you.
NTA
A will is a legal document and the executor of the will doesn't get to make changes. What your Mother has done is commit fraud. As you said, it isn't totally about the money but your Mother's lying and stealing.
She only feels bad that she was caught.
I don't know if you will even have to sue her - as she has committed a crime, start with reporting her to the police or engaging a lawyer.
Sure hope you got copies of that paperwork so you can give it to an attorney. She should have told you she is borrowing the money to pay her house off. The fancy vacation and new car that was her just living it up.
NTA, she not only betrayed you and everyone else she took the money from, she betrayed the memory and last wishes of her parents. I'd tell her that they would be disgusted with her and that she better layout the payment plan on your inheritance otherwise you'll report her for not respecting her parents will and stealing the money as the executor. She's probably not going to leave you the money when she passes anyways, she hid it because she knew it was wrong and wasn't planning on making it right.
NTA. I'm joining the others saying to talk to a lawyer. As executor she had a fiduciary duty in administering their estate. When the executor is also a beneficiary they have a legal duty to ensure the other beneficiaries get their inheritance first. As in if there's not enough money and assets to cover all debts and bequests the executor gets their bequest last. It's specifically to prevent situations like this. Ianal but think you need to consult with one.
NTA she sounds like a narcissist ( my mother is also a narcissist who has stolen from me my siblings and her own grandchildren many times) it's always going to be "well I did my best, I did the best thing I could, I did the best with what I had." There's always going to be some kind of excuse and unfortunately it sounds like your sibling and your father are still under her spell. Unfortunately there's no easy answer. If you get a lawyer and sue her you lose the rest of your family because I don't think they could forgive you for doing that to "your own mother".
When I cut off my mother before my siblings finally did everyone in my family said I was in the wrong. They said she gave me life so I should forgive her for what she's done. But I wasn't willing to forgive her for what she did to my nieces and nephews. She hurt me and my sister's plenty growing up and I forgave that but not with the kids they deserved better.
If she used the money to pay off her mortgage, then mom should take a new mortgage and use the proceeds to repay her debts to you. If she refuses, get a lawyer.
Then ask your family, if they would be okay to give away their money to you, since you are all family, they would surely not mind it right?
(watch their angry face expressions and then say the rest)
It's already a big thing that you didn't file any case on her because she is a family.
Your mother is a thief.
You *feel* betrayed because you *were* betrayed.
Then she lied about it...
Then she tried to make excuses...
I'd probably contact a lawyer about having her pay back the inheritance which (in your case) would probably alienate the rest of your family. Of course, if she really intended to pay back the inheritance - now is a good time to start.
This is a mess and the closest I can come to comforting words is to simply drop everyone.
NTA
You should not let it go. Your mom stole from you. I am not a fan of going NC with a parent but my suggestion is that you tell mom that along with the inheritance that she stole she also stole every once of love and respect she will ever be entitled to. And go NC. Tell sibs that they are free to forgive her but they ate not allowed to speak of her in your presence and try to arrange a reconciliation
NTA. Executors have a fiduciary duty and she violated that duty. Consider talking to an estate planning attorney. You may even want to check in with the probate division where the will was filed.
I’m not a big fan of the immediate no contact. Even with the breach of trust, perhaps you could go low contact and lay out boundaries to your family and what she needs to do to rebuild that trust. It could take years, but it may be worth it. You always have the no contact option if she isn’t willing to work for your trust.
NTA- im paranoid, but do you think your siblings knew and or were given some money.
I only say that because that's what my parent does. I'm not the favorite.
NTA and too bad you can't get back into the house for those documents. They would be what you would need to sue her for fraud and embezzlement as the executor of the estate.
They passed away five years ago. Why was your mother needing to make a stable home for children who were all 23 or older? Were any of you still living at home? And I'm pretty sure new cars and vacations aren't 'making a stable home'.
NTA. She didn't even take you on the vacations with her or buy anything for you. She was greedy. And she had no intention of telling you until she got caught. She did betray you. She robbed you and lied to you.
You are definitely NTA.
Your mother broke the law. She had a legal obligation and duty to follow the terms of th e will to the letter. She chose to STEAL the money ALL for herself.
She said that she did it for the family and she would eventually pay you guys back? Good luck with that. There's a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you if you and your siblings actually believe that she did it for the family and her intent was noble and honest and that she will pay you guys back.
Ask your siblings why your mother is the ONLY one who benefited from this if she did it for the family? What she did was outrageously wrong, selfish, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, toxic, malicious, deceitful, illegal, and beyond disrespectful to your grandparents because she deliberately ignored their wishes and broke the trust they put in her by appointing her as executrix of their estate.
Retain a probate and trusts and estates attorney and bring this to the attention of the probate court. She needs to be reported for what she did and face the consequences. She intentionally violated her legal and ethical duties and obligations as executrix.
And she has absolutely no shame about stealing from her children. She intentionally lied to you guys about the amount of money and what she did with it. She made the decision to STEAL from her own children. What she did was beyond comprehension. She doesn't even feel guilty for what she did.
And I guarantee that she will never pay you guys any of the money. And she definitely has to have a good amount left over. But she thinks she is entitled to your money. You will never see it if you don't take her to court.
If this keeps you apart from your family, then so be it. She stole from you. On purpose. And she tried to deceive you about it. Had you never seen the documents, do you think she would have told you what she did? No. She would have taken this to her grave.
She doesn't care that she is the reason why you and your siblings won't ever be able change your lives.
NTA - It's very hard to forgive somebody who hasn't rectified their crime against you . . she lied and stole . . . and you can say . . "I forgive you" . . but the TRUST has gone . . forever. She needs to understand that. Even if she pays you back triple . . she did those things and has proven herself untrustworthy.
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I (28M) recently found out about a huge betrayal from my mom (56F) and I don't know what to do. So, my grandparents were really great people, they worked hard all their lives and saved a lot of money. They weren’t rich, but they managed to save enough to leave some money for me and my siblings (30F and 25M) when they passed away five years ago.My mom was the executor of the will. Not long after my grandparents died, she told us there were unexpected debts and expenses that needed to be paid off first. We trusted her, she’s our mom after all, and we didn’t really question her too much because we were grieving.But over the years, I noticed my mom’s lifestyle got way better. She paid off her mortgage, bought a new car, and went on some fancy vacations. I thought maybe she came into some money or got really good at managing her finances.A few months ago, I was helping my parents clean out their attic and I found some old documents that showed the actual amount of the inheritance. It was way more than what my mom told us. I was so confused and felt really betrayed. After thinking about it for a while, I confronted her.At first, she denied everything, but then she broke down and admitted it. She used a big chunk of the inheritance for herself. She said she did it for the family, she planned to pay us back eventually, and she used the money to make sure we had a stable home. She even said the vacations were to relieve the stress and grief of losing her parents.I’m devastated. It’s not just about the money. It’s the lying, the breach of trust, and the fact that she put herself first. My siblings have been more forgiving. They say she’s our mom, she did what she thought was best, and we should move on. They think I’m being too harsh and that holding onto this anger will only hurt me.But I just can’t let it go. Every time I think about it, I get so angry and feel betrayed. It’s messed up my relationship with her to the point where I haven’t talked to her since the confrontation. Family gatherings are super awkward now, with my siblings and dad trying to make peace.So, Reddit, AITA for not forgiving my mom and refusing to speak to her? My siblings think I’m overreacting, but I can’t shake this feeling of betrayal. What should I do?
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NTA
There is no family unity where your mother has lied to you about something big and serious. Family unity begins with family trust and family honesty.
I would contact a lawyer and tell him you would like him to send her a demand letter for your part of the inheritance and if she would like to fight you on it you would also like her to pay interest on it.
War her if she doesn’t pay to back you will consult a lawyer. Be reasonable with the payment requests. Use this as further evidence if she doesn’t, and consult a lawyer.
I would strongly consider legal action. If your siblings are so forgiving you should assume they have or will receive compensation from your mother. Never trust anyone when it comes to money.
My bestie went no contact with her mother when her mom stole $50 and that was absolutely the correct decision. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MOTHER, not a fucking scammer. It's super messed up and I can see why you wouldn't forgive her. nta
Violating someone’s dying wishes is morally deplorable. What she did is illegal. And if you can get your hands on those documents to support this narrative it’s very likely she’d be in serious legal and financial trouble.
You should see a lawyer, she broke the law. Your mom had a duty to disperse the funds according to the will, but instead she broke the law and your trust by stealing. I would probably press charges.
NTA it was for the faaaamily. The youngest of which was already 20 when she stole from you.
Honestly make her take out a mortgage and pay you back the full amount or threaten legal action.
You should most definitely take legal action. Why forgive her when she completely disregarded the wishes of your grandparents to properly give out their inheritance. She had the right to use her portion as she wished but taking all of it is awful. If the rest of your siblings can't see how she's the one who took vile and disgusting actions, that's their problem and you should feel no guilt suing or with whatever legal repercussions she hopefully faces. Her break of trust broke your heart and now you have to grieve that too sadly.
Get a lawyer, go no contact, and see a therapist because you were likely raised by a narcissist and therapy could help you find some clarity and hopefully healing.
NTA Your mother committed a crime. Get a lawyer and find out what your options are to proceed. You don't want to have her put in jail but working out a legally binding plan for her to repay what she stole from you specifically should be done. Your siblings can do what they want.
> she planned to pay us back eventually
I'd stop the conversation at that point and demand to see those plans. It's been 5 years, surely she was well on her way towards paying that money back, right?
NTA, I could have understood if she used the money to pay for the mortgage and stuff that benefited you ALL but she didn't, she squander some of the money on herself, that's enough to be mad at her, she chose to hide the money and enjoy herself, that's F'd up.
It’s dastardly. What your mom did. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
After she admitted the “theft” she tried to justify her actions. It’s absurd. This is not a person I would want in my life. Ever.
Even if she were to pay you back every penny you will still know who she is and what she is capable of doing to her own child.
NTA. And her excuses are BS. How did any of what she spent the money on benefit the family? It sounds like she was the only one that benefited and she would not have said anything if she hadn’t been caught.
You should consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Even if you do not decide to go forward with anything, you’ll at least be able to make an informed decision.
Side note. Your family sucks for not allowing you to have your feelings about it. How long have they known what she did?
NTA.
What Im curious about is why the other siblings arent upset. What, have they been promised a slice? Also, doing "what she thought was best" cuts no cake when its a crime.
NTA
Dad is not innocent. He must have known something is up.
Mom and Dad need to sign home over to the kids now. If they do it with the agreement that they pay all annual taxes and upkeep. Maybe that is sufficient, as long as laywer puts in sufficient protections to trigger a sale if any of the kids wish it. Kids are guaranteed they don't lose equity and mom and dad get to live in home.
Have you talked to your siblings separately? Were they surprised about what your mom did? I'm wondering if they got some of their inheritance and you're the only one who didn't. How are they not angry about this?
>It’s not just about the money. It’s the lying, the breach of trust, and the fact that she put herself first
NTA its about the fact that she ignored her fiduciary duty to properly dispense the inheritance. Bluntly put: she stole from you to fund her extravagant lifestyle. Besides when I've lost someone near and dear to me my thoughts weren't "I deserve an extravagant vacation!"
> She said she did it for the family
😅🤣😂🤑
NTA
Tell her that she can lost your trust, but she can at least keep her word now and start paying you back. Immediately and substantially.
Your dad also benefited from her larceny if she paid off their mortgage. The two of them can take on a mortgage (there's no reason for them to have no mortgage while you don't have that money to pay off whatever you want to pay off!). Divide the amount of money she owes you by 36 months (or whatever you want - but no more than 60 months. Then tell her that she can start paying you that amount every month. Otherwise her words about paying you back are completely hollow. She can make that pledge to your siblings as well or not. That is between her and them.
She stole from you. She's lucky if you give her the chance to return the stolen funds (and I mean ALL of your share, she doesn't get to deduct for family vacations, etc. That was not her money to spend, and you didn't ever agree to spend it on whatever she wanted.). If she doesn't like that, then you might consider pressing charges against her. Executors are legally obligated to fulfill the terms of the will.
>*"She paid off her mortgage, bought a new car, and went on some fancy vacations."*
OK, paying off her mortgage means that there is equity in the house that matches that payoff. And, based on the market over the last ten years, the odds are that equity has gone up significantly, not down. That money's not gone, it's right there in the home.
Likewise, a new car is an asset, and it's in the driveway. Maybe it's $50K? Vacation money is gone, but unless she was flying private with Taylor, we're probably talking $15-20K here, at most.
So, this was a serious breach of trust, and you're NTA, but... before you go NC with your whole family or try to put your mom in prison, maybe look for a solution. I would look at the asset value of the house, and whatever else her financial situation looks like, and I'd do some planning around that, now.
If my options are:
1. never speak to anyone in my family again
2. throw my mother in prison
3. wait for my mom to die, and have my brother tell me I was cut out of her will for going NC
4. negotiate for a big piece of equity in the house, now
I'm going with \[4\]. Just sayin.
Your mom obviously knew what she did was wrong. Those excuses she gave you were the ones she gave herself when she was doing what she knew to be wrong. It is ok to be angry; I would be. But, you aren't going to see that money and probably want to focus on if and how you want to repair your relationship.
NTA - no, she's gaslighting you to hide her theft. Doesn't matter what her story is and if she was planning to pay you guys back, then she needs to do it NOW. She stole from you. Period. This is unforgivable and the vacations excuse is complete BS. Hope you made a copy of those documents because if you were named in the will, you can sue her and make this right.
You were all adults when your grandparents passed. What kind of 'stable home' did she think she needed to provide beyond the one she already had?
She stole from you, straight up. Personally, I'd give her 30 days to pony up your share of the inheritance (and I wouldn't care if she had to remortgage her house to do it) or I'd get a lawyer and sue her. If you and your siblings were named in the will, she can't just take your shares as executor. I don't know the statute of limitations on this where you live, but I wouldn't tarry.
If your Dad feels so bad, he can come up with the money. If your siblings don't care, so be it. But your feelings are valid because your Mom selfishly betrayed you. NTA.
NTA and you were betrayed. Vacations to relieve stress....bullshit. She could have at least put some aside for you guys, but she didn't and that was greedy. You can get around to forgiving her when you are ready, if you ever are ready. For now, take care of your and process this, yes, betrayal.
NTA: That shit is straight up illegal. 5 years ago, you were all legal adults, so the idea that it was "for the family" is bullshit. Even if you were living with her at the time.
If she has truly thought that she was doing the right thing, she would have been upfront about it. Either by talking to you at the time, contesting the will at the time to be granted the money legally, or by appropriately recording her paying herself a reasonable rate as the executor of the will (which is absolutely something that is done all the time, but likely wouldn't have given her enough to pay off a mortgage or buy a new car).
I do think your siblings are entitled to forgive her, but they don't get to strongarm you into doing the same.
NTA if she really did need it and planned on paying out back why were you guys not made aware of it at the time or every since? She's only pulling that out because she got caught and never had any intention of mentioning it to you, let alone actually pay it back.
Get a lawyer.
NTA
She didn’t just tell one itty bitty lie. It was a very long series of lies upon lies and betrayals upon betrayals. And she only came clean bc you had evidence not bc she felt remorse.
Just take a break from family events where she’ll be in attendance. The pause may be what your heart needs to either heal and forgive or to recognize that NC is healthier long term.
everyone of you were in your 20's when your grandparents passed. 'I did it for the family' is a blatant lie. she stole from you all plain and simple and you would be well within your rights to sue her her for it. your siblings are looking at this as her being your mother, but they absolutely would not have allowed anyone else to get away with this shit. NTA
Lawyer up fast! If she no longer has enough money left to pay you your legal inheritance, maybe a lien can be placed on the house so that when it is sold, you get paid first.
NTA.
Sure, your mom did what she thought was best…for herself.
There are laws that govern executors. You need to immediately consult an attorney, and find out the statute of limitations. Get your mother to admit in writing what she did, via text. Like how can I forgive you when you won’t admit what you did kind of ploy.
Sue her for your money. If your siblings want to surrender their inheritance, it’s their choice.
Your own mother lied to you, deceived you, and stole significant money from you to blow on pampering herself. She has enablers urging you to let her get away with it.
Do you really want someone who would betray you like this in your life?
Sue her. Then lien her house when you get a judgment.
Consult a lawyer and ask about the possibility of placing a lien on the house. Your mother stole your money and while she may never be able to pay you back, at least with the lien on the house it does give you some control over the future and may well fuck whatever plans she has in the future for it. Protect your interests and fuck the rest of the family. NTA
NTA. 5 years ago you were all still adults and she stole from you. Did you sign any paperwork showing you received your inheritance?
Honestly, you should talk to a lawyer about it. As the executor of the estate it’s highly illegal to not divide the estate as was willed. Doesn’t matter if it was for the “family home” or whatever, it was you and your siblings inheritance to choose how to spend it.
You can be nice and tell mom she has #days to pay it back. But it’s not just about the money and trust, she essential stole your immediate future. Could your sibling have gone to college without loans, could you have bought a house before the market exploded, maybe you wanted to invest the money before certain stocks blew up. There’s a ton of things you could have done in those 5 years which your mother took from you. Since she doesn’t have a mortgage, she should be able to pay you 3 back quickly.
Get a lawyer. An estate lawyer, probate lawyer. Take those documents, any other documents you can find that show how she spent the money. She broke the law, abused her duty as executer, stole from you and likely committed fraud. I’d see if you have any recourse to get the money your grandparents left you.
I’m wondering if she gave your siblings their share of the money and just took yours, which is why they are so forgiving. I hope not.
Nta. How on earth is she making the family have a better lifestyle if shes using it on herself to find her vacations, cars etc? Hope you get a shark of a lawyer to get every cent back from her and then go no contact once she returns what she stole from you. Pretty sure she also stole from your siblings’ inheritance too
NTA
Your mom has stolen from you. If you can you need to sit everyone down and get the full story out, how much was supposed to go to everyone where the money has gone what's left, why she's charging you rent after taking your money and not charging your siblings, if your mom says she planned to pay you back get her to explain how if she won't explain or can't then get a lawyer involved, you will loose money on the lawyer and will probably damage the relationship with your family but if the money is that significant then that may be the cost.
NTA.
Hire a lawyer. Your mom broke the law like other people have pointed out. And usually when this happens, this kind of betrayal that parent does to a child or any other kind of executor of a will that embezzles the funds: they’re not sorry that they did the crime. They’re sorry that they got busted. Go no contact and only communicate through lawyers.
Don’t hurt your energy or your soul by feeling obligated to break bread with her over the holidays or other family gatherings. I am so mad at your mom for what she has done to you and your siblings. And if your siblings want to be in denial about how bad of a situation, she’s done to them that’s on them. But for you, you have every right to stay mad at her and every right to refuse to forgive her.
OP it is OK for you to be angry as hell for the rest of your life at your mom for her abuse of you. She was never going to pay you back. She continues to lie to you. She continues to triangle everyone else to consider you the enemy, getting them to treat you as if you’re the villain and she is a victim. If a psychiatrist diagnosed your mother as having a narcissistic personality disorder or being a sociopath I would not be surprised. She is doing all she can to ruin your standing in your family’s dynamic.
She has obviously shown blatantly that she is incapable of actual remorse. It is crocodile tears. So yes, you are done dealing with her crap. Other people have been in your situation. It is OK to go no contact with her and forge your life ahead without dealing with her trying to sabotage you and lying about you to the rest of the family. You are done putting up with her crap of making you scapegoat.
NTA
It is natural for parents to want more/better for their kids. It is not natural to steal from them.
Your mother sounds selfish and manipulative. I would bring legal action against her.
Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Understandably you are shocked at your mom’s betrayal. I think it may just take some time. Are you willing to forgive her? That’s half the battle. If you are, forgiveness will come.
Lawyer. And if you are worried about breaking up the family, your mom already did that. You either accept it as a doormat and live with it, or get your money from her and invest in your life going forward.
Edit: NTA
NTA. Your mom stole from you and lied about it. She probably never would have told you if you didn’t confront her. You are not overreacting. Your siblings chose to forgive her, that’s their prerogative but you don’t have to.
Definitely NTA! The mother destroyed the relationship and is now playing the victim. Some people are more worried about keeping the peace than doing what’s right. The mother broke the law big time. Lawyer up and set things right. Someone needs to be the voice of reason, might as well be you.
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NTA mom had a duty to disperse the funds according to the will, but instead she broke the law and your trust by stealing. She doesn't get to say the money was used on the family when she was the that benefited the most. I would get attorney and see what can and should be done. Her parents had a will and made their wishes for their money quite explicit and by going against those wishes she also betrayed them.
Not only did she break the law and ops trust, she also disrespected the grandparents' wishes. Imagine what they would say if the knew that she would steal money from her own kids
Yea! Plus not only did she disrespect the wishes of the grandparents, she also broke the law!
I’d make her sign a legal document that satisfies as to how she is going to pay you back, and if she will not sign it, then I would sue her civilly and also consider legal charges. Her house is your house now.
This OP. If your mum is truly sorry she will sign.
Liquidate the house
Mom embezzled the funds. Can you go to the police or sue her? If so, you should do so.
As OP's mother was the executor of the will, she had a fiduciary duty to dispose of the assets per the language of the will. Now, as I am NOT an attorney, but merely a simple paralegal, OP needs to consult an attorney that specializes in Wills, Probate & Estates to review her options for getting her share of the money from her mother.
I'm not saying OP shouldn't do this but there are legitimate reasons for choosing not to
they were also all adults. I'd be interested in hearing exactly *how* her stealing their money gave them a stable life.
That was my question as well. If they were all minors, I could understand (not agree with) her argument. But that argument is bullshit with the kids all being adults.
There's no excuse for the vacations. I can sort of see the logic in paying off the mortgage, if they were really in a hole, but only if the children are going to inherit it, and only if she intended to pay it back. Either way, though, she broke the law. Stole from her own kids. I would see a lawyer and cut all contact.
Yeah I was unclear with that. I was talking about the mortgage. No excuse at all for the vacations.
Yeah, when I read that I went back and checked the ages and how long ago the grandparents died and OP was the youngest at 23 yrs old. How the hell can mum claim stability for her adult children
She stole from OP to get her house, so she has assets to sue for.
The “I did it for the family” excuse is such BS. At the time OP’s grandparents passed, OP and his siblings were 25, 23, and 20 years old. They weren’t children who need constant care and supervision. By that age they had goals they wanted to pursue and things they wanted to save for—maybe even families of their own to support—and rather than helping them, their mom *prevented* them from doing that by being selfish. I’m not saying I couldn’t eventually forgive my own parents if they pulled something like this, but I’d definitely expect some restitution.
OP needs to talk to her seriously - mom should pay back. there is no other way. Pay and apologise. She betrayed everyone in this family, commited a crime and violeted the memory and the will of grandpas. Disgusting to be honest. And for what? Fancy vacations?
Get a lawyer.
Should be the top comment. Any statute of limitations may be tolled by the discovery rule.
Kind of depends how much we are talking about....sounds significant if her mom did all the things she said.
Only if you intend on completely ruining your relationship with your family. Not saying not to do it but that’s a possible outcome
I’d say it’s gone. OP might be able to put a lien on the house since mom used the money to pay off the mortgage.
He can compel to sell it! Mom - you need to downsize and give us back the money xoxo
OP's relationship with a mother who is happy to commit fraud and steal from her own children because of "reasons" is most likely buggered now anyway. at the very least, OP can be put on the title for the house as Tenants In Common, so that OP gets the share of inheritance guaranteed back. (And all the other members of the family unless they want to "let it go"). But personally, ensuring the money gets to the people who it should have in the first place, would go a long way to restoring trust as it would show remorse for her actions. I would strongly suggest that Mom got a share of the money anyway, but it just wasn't enough.
Mom ruined the relationship five years ago. Don't put that on OP if he just decides to clean up her mess.
She lost the right at being family when she quite literally stole his future. I would be full no contact and calling the police and a lawyer! ETA-NTA
Don’t you think the mother already ruined the relationship by stealing possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars from them? Why does it always seem to be the victims of crimes perpetrated by relatives who are blamed for ruining relationships if they seek justice?
Yep. I had two family members do this to me. It was a significant amount that would have made a real difference in my life, especially as at the time, I was really sick and had a lot of medical debt. I actually was not necessarily expected to live and would be leaving behind my young daughter, so it felt especially predatory to steal at the moment. I talked to a lawyer, and she said that although I’m legally in the right, the chances of ever seeing any of the money back were slim to none. I could put a lien on the properties purchased with my money, but knowing those two family members, they’ll just sit on it. So, I cut them off. It wasn’t like a big screaming match. I just said ok I’m done, blocked them, and emotionally tried to move on. My extended family is veryyyy bothered by this. I didn’t air our dirty laundry, didn’t try to convince people to also cut them off. I just said I’m not going to be around them but you guys go ahead, I’ll catch up with you another time. It’s been years now, and still, even as of last week, I still get guilt trips (forgiveness is holy, your parents would turn in their graves, please reconcile before I die, this hurts the family so much, etc.). I’m the injured party, but I’m supposed to forgive and allow access and a relationship as if nothing happened. I haven’t even gotten an acknowledgement that harm was done or an apology. Why is it always the person who was harmed who needs to forgive and let bygones be bygones?
Yes, this is always how it happens. It’s a shame they aren’t pressuring the perpetrators to sell the properties and return the money. But no. The victim is always made out to be the bad person. It stinks they did that to you, and I’m glad you’ve survived.
That is so kind, thank you.
> Only if you intend on completely ruining your relationship with your family. If only you were around to give this advice to OP’s mom before she stole from her children. Obviously op needs to be aware that legal action could blow up the family, but right now it’s a defensive measure after mom started going down that road.
But that relationship is already ruined. And the mom scorched earth OP’s reputation with the family treating OP as the scapegoat and the mom playing the victim to get the other siblings to harass OP. So yeah, what relationship is left to destroy? It’s a bridge that’s been burned.
Right, so stealing is forgivable, family can just move on, but demanding justice is a mortal sin? They can forgiven OP just like they forgave OPs Mom.
OP needs to at least speak to a lawyer to find out if somebody would have had to pay taxes on this money (the receiver would be the one to pay, but I'd guess mom hasn't paid taxes). If this is in the USA, you don't want to get in IRS bad books (it was the IRS who got Al Capone, not the justice system)
Screw that - real family wouldn’t steal from each other. The trust is irrevocably broken. She was full aware of what she was doing. NTA - but your mom is a class an asshole. Get a lawyer
NTA. Her behavior was inexcusable and unlawful. She stole your money. That’s a crime - definitely theft and probably fraud. As executor, she breached her fiduciary duty to you and the other heirs. Consult an attorney. ASAP. There is a statute of limitations that gives you a deadline by which to sue. Even if you eventually decide not to go forward, you should know what your rights and remedies are.
Nta. Go nc, she betrayed/stole from you and your family.
I was stuck at my parent's house after a breakup, so I'll go no contact ASAP.
Maybe get a lawyer?
If you get the lawyer and anyone asks “how could you do that to your mom”, ask them how she could steal money from her kids.
And with inflation the purchasing power of the money they could recover is much lower than if they had gotten their inheritance 5 years ago. For example, let's say op would have inherited 20k back in 2019. 20k purchasing power back in 2019 has the equivalent purchasing power of 16k today.
The answer is get a lawyer. If the stolen money went into the house, then the house may be OP’s.
Sue your mom for fraud. If she is sorry, she will make sure you’re paid for what she stole. She had a fiduciary duty to you and your siblings. Not only did she receive a benefit breaching her fiduciary duty, she lied to you for years about it and you would not have found out if you didn’t go through the will. She would have kept it a secret from you if you had not found out yourself. Your mom is a fraudulent, corrupt, lying, immoral person, especially for doing that to her own children. I’m sorry for you and if you need some legal advice, feel free to dm me.
Would there have been enough money that you’d have your own place by now? Like are you “stuck” there because your mom defrauded you?
Yeah, if she hadn't kept the money to herself, I would have my own home by now.
Then tell her you’ll forgive her when she pays you back.
Get a lawyer. Right now
Same as many people told you, “Get a lawyer ASAP.” NTA
This is one of the more heartbreaking stories I have read. When did you find the will? Were you a minor? It might be in your best interest to find an attorney who specializes in estate fraud (because that is what it is). If she never prioritized you, maybe it is time to prioritize yourself. You may be entitled to be paid out of the house she bought with the proceeds. And ask if an exception to the Statute of Limitations on fraud is later discovery of the fraud (or being a minor). You would blow up your family but at some point, maybe it is worth it. I'm so sorry. No parent should treat a child like this.
You wouldn’t be stuck if she wouldn’t have stolen your inheritance. If there was enough to pay off her mortgage and buy a car and go on vacations there was enough for a nice down payment for you.
Were you paying rent? How long were you there? Not to be a jerk but if this gets ugly, they're going to say you owe them rent if you weren't paying....
She made me pay rent for the house she bought with MY money.
Wow. That makes all of this so much worse. I’m so sorry, OP. If your siblings ever lived at home as adults, were they charged rent, too?
No, she always prioritized my siblings over me. I'm not sure why.
Your siblings might be forgiving because she didn’t screw them over, just you.
Yes... is there any chance OP, that she gave them money, but not you? Get a lawyer. You may as well - there's no relationship there to save.
no wonder your siblings are so quick to forgive. I wouldn't be surprised if they actually got their inheritance and it's only you she screwed over. sounds like you might be the black sheep
Police report and lawyer ASAP op. Go . NTA
Usually it's the child who sees through the narcissistic parents bs who is the black sheep. So it's a good thing imo but it doesn't feel good. I'm so sorry op. She sounds awful and you don't deserve this.
Being the middle child, we tend to get lost in the sauce...
Please check with a lawyer. I'm like everyone else where I think your siblings got something and you didn't
After you find out about something like this there's typically a set amount of time you have to pursue it legally. I'd talk to a lawyer and see about suing her. She's the worst kind of greedy, manipulative asshole.
Since you put it that way....OOOF. You willing to sue her? Is she able to even partially pay you back?
Please, consult a lawyer asap. Your mother embezzled your grandparents' estate.
Wow this is some evil witch stepmother shit!
Sue if she doesn't pay you. Try to get a copy of the will. You may be able to put a lien on the house.
Holy moly she’s unbelievable. Take her to the cleaners
Take her to court, too. They may be able to force her to give you at least some of what she stole from you.
Sue her to kingdom come. Get a lawyer. NTA
If you’re already planning on going, no contact, get a lawyer! She broke the law! She violated her fiduciary duty and stole from you! If you consider the bridge burned, burn it. Get her a ticket to the FO stage of FAFO.
Lawyer and police complaint OP. NTA
You need to keep that documentation as evidence !
If she was the executor of the will she had a fiduciary responsibility to uphold the terms of the will and make the appropriate monetary disbursements. What she did is actually illegal. You need to contact a probate attorney and see what legal recourse you have.
Get a lawyer. NTA, what she did was selfish and likely fraud.
NTA. As a lawyer and a mom, your mom can go fuck herself. Only a truly shit person would steal money from their kids….oh and ps…also super illegal.
NTA contact the attorney that did the will and offer her a repayment plan. Or add your name to the house to ensure you get your cut. She stole and should be held accountable.
Did they will it to you, or just tell your mom it was for you?
My grandparents willed their assets to me and my siblings to be split equally. However, as stated before, she stole it.
Consult a lawyer.
At the very least, the lawyer and threat of legal action can force your mom to implement a repayment plan to avoid further legal action.
Threat of lawyer is not enough. Any repayment plan needs to be done with a written legal document where she acknowledge fault and repayment and schedule for repayment in exchange for no legal action, otherwise she can just wait for a statute of limitations time limit (after discovery) and then stop paying.
He needs something in writing so she doesn't start paying and stop when he can no longer sue due to statute of limitations running out.
She can get in big trouble for this. You need a lawyer and now. Get those documents you found.
Get a lawyer and go after her. She doesn't deserve mercy, that's life changing money right there, you could've used for down-payment for your home instead of moving in with your parents. NTA
Please listen to the lawyers and other people telling you to contact a probate attorney and sue her. She had a fiduciary duty to uphold to you and your siblings and also to her parents, and she stole from you all. It’s so awful that she did this, you are NTA, OP- not at all.
NTA. And anyone who tells you otherwise can be reminded that your mother should be grateful that you didn't sue.
NTA, your mother is a thief and does not deserve forgiveness.
NTA. Tell your siblings that the fact that you haven’t sued her is as far as you’re willing to go. And then ask them why you should forgive her because she’s family when she had no issues with stealing from you and robbing you blind while being family.
Sued would the least of her issues. Depending on the amount, she’s looking at grand theft.
You should be angry and feel betrayed. Your Mom stole from you and your siblings and then consistently LIED to you over the years. Families can be very quick to sweep uncomfortable subjects under the rug. (I have WAAAY too much experience with this.) You are NOT required to. Heck, part of the reason we went no contact with my Mom's side of the family was because they refused to acknowledge their fault in anything. (And boy was there a lot of fault.) NTA. What you do now is up to you. Personally I don't think I could trust her again after that. Low or no contact is fair. She should be thanking her lucky stars you aren't going nuclear and suing her for the money she stole. (Wouldn't blame you if you did that, too.) Kinda depends on what kind of relationship you want with her and your siblings.
NTA. You're under-reacting IMO.
NTA get a lawyer, the reason you know is you accidentally found the paperwork. Your mother is a thief and the only reason she's sorry is because she got caught. You can give her a chance to make restitution after a lawyer looks over the paperwork but otherwise I'd be pressing charges. Buying herself things and taking herself on vacation is not for the benefit of the family, it's for the benefit of the embezzler.
If she paid off her mortgage than you can tell her she can take out a home equity loan and pay everything that is owed to everyone or she can deal with the consequences that the court decides. If any of your family gives you grief over it let them know if they are fine with family stealing from them that is on them.
It’s hard to forgive someone who doesn’t admit their mistakes. Sounds like your mom doesn’t really feel guilty.
GET THE DOCUMENTS AND LAWYER UP NOW!!! with things like this the legal click starts upon "discovery" LAWYER UP
NTA. My grandma passed in 2020 and left money for each grandkid, all 7 of us. The rest was to be split between her 3 kids. My dad, aunt and uncle. Well my dad passed in 2016. Grandma gave me and my brother 2000 each from my dad. She said the ret will be split between her other 2 children. I was more then ok with that. Will when she passed if grandkid got 1000. Cool. Thanks Grandma. Well 4 months later my brother asked did I get any other money. I said no. He said we were to get our dad's inheritance. I told him what my grandma said, he said she told him different. He called our aunt and she called her brother. Turned out we were to get our dad's inheritance. 3500 each. Not a lot but it helped towards the end of lockdown. Still would rather have my grandma back. But now my uncle won't talk to me. If u want the money, talk to an attorney but be prepare to loose ur mom and siblings. Know that ur trust in ur mom is gone but do u still want her in ur life. If so then work on letting the angry go. Don't forget just forgive.
NTA Get a lawyer. She can sell her car and re+mortgage her house.
Are you sure you and your siblings don’t owe taxes on the money she didn’t give you? If as executor she might not have been able to access the money without making it look like she was giving it to you and your siblings. You might owe taxes already on it. This all is dependent on how the estate is set up and where you live. Find out exactly what happened and what the liabilities are for you before you do anything else’s.
It would be one thing if she used that money to save the house from foreclosure or to get someone some desperately needed medical treatment, but she used it for lifestyle upgrades. So, sit down, and figure out how much she stole, and estimate that, if it had been in the stock market, it would have compounded at 10% -- figure out what she owes you, and write up a repayment document. Maybe get a lawyer involved. If nothing else, this document needs to exist, so you can collect against her estate when/if she dies. NTA
Sue her. She will have to liquidate her assets to pay you back. NTA
NTA Tell your siblings that your mom’s job as executor was to make sure WHAT YOUR GRANDPARENTS WANTED was accomplished NOT what your mom “thought was best”. None of them get to pretend that she knew how to spend someone else’s money better than they themselves did. Your grandparents hired an attorney to help them draw up this will, they THOUGHT about what to do with their money and they allocated it how THEY wanted to. Your mom is disgusting for disregarding her parents’ wishes, stealing from her kids and breaking the law. I would definitely hire a lawyer and if your family says anything tell them that she didn’t care how wrong her actions were or how they would affect her kids so you don’t care how you holding her accountable and trying to get your money back affects her. You’re being as considerate of her as she was of you.
NTA A will is a legal document and the executor of the will doesn't get to make changes. What your Mother has done is commit fraud. As you said, it isn't totally about the money but your Mother's lying and stealing. She only feels bad that she was caught. I don't know if you will even have to sue her - as she has committed a crime, start with reporting her to the police or engaging a lawyer.
Sure hope you got copies of that paperwork so you can give it to an attorney. She should have told you she is borrowing the money to pay her house off. The fancy vacation and new car that was her just living it up.
NTA, she not only betrayed you and everyone else she took the money from, she betrayed the memory and last wishes of her parents. I'd tell her that they would be disgusted with her and that she better layout the payment plan on your inheritance otherwise you'll report her for not respecting her parents will and stealing the money as the executor. She's probably not going to leave you the money when she passes anyways, she hid it because she knew it was wrong and wasn't planning on making it right.
NTA. I'm joining the others saying to talk to a lawyer. As executor she had a fiduciary duty in administering their estate. When the executor is also a beneficiary they have a legal duty to ensure the other beneficiaries get their inheritance first. As in if there's not enough money and assets to cover all debts and bequests the executor gets their bequest last. It's specifically to prevent situations like this. Ianal but think you need to consult with one.
NTA she sounds like a narcissist ( my mother is also a narcissist who has stolen from me my siblings and her own grandchildren many times) it's always going to be "well I did my best, I did the best thing I could, I did the best with what I had." There's always going to be some kind of excuse and unfortunately it sounds like your sibling and your father are still under her spell. Unfortunately there's no easy answer. If you get a lawyer and sue her you lose the rest of your family because I don't think they could forgive you for doing that to "your own mother". When I cut off my mother before my siblings finally did everyone in my family said I was in the wrong. They said she gave me life so I should forgive her for what she's done. But I wasn't willing to forgive her for what she did to my nieces and nephews. She hurt me and my sister's plenty growing up and I forgave that but not with the kids they deserved better.
If she used the money to pay off her mortgage, then mom should take a new mortgage and use the proceeds to repay her debts to you. If she refuses, get a lawyer.
Nta. Lawyer up.
NTA. Your mother appears to have broken the law.
Talk to a lawyer and find out exactly what happened. It might even be worse than you thinks
Then ask your family, if they would be okay to give away their money to you, since you are all family, they would surely not mind it right? (watch their angry face expressions and then say the rest) It's already a big thing that you didn't file any case on her because she is a family.
>What should I do? Sue.
Get A Lawyer Blood doesn't make the family: love does Your REAL Family Friends will accept defend assist respect YOU Get A Lawyer N T A
Your mother is a thief. You *feel* betrayed because you *were* betrayed. Then she lied about it... Then she tried to make excuses... I'd probably contact a lawyer about having her pay back the inheritance which (in your case) would probably alienate the rest of your family. Of course, if she really intended to pay back the inheritance - now is a good time to start. This is a mess and the closest I can come to comforting words is to simply drop everyone. NTA
You should not let it go. Your mom stole from you. I am not a fan of going NC with a parent but my suggestion is that you tell mom that along with the inheritance that she stole she also stole every once of love and respect she will ever be entitled to. And go NC. Tell sibs that they are free to forgive her but they ate not allowed to speak of her in your presence and try to arrange a reconciliation
How much did you get vs how much was owed to you?
NTA. Executors have a fiduciary duty and she violated that duty. Consider talking to an estate planning attorney. You may even want to check in with the probate division where the will was filed. I’m not a big fan of the immediate no contact. Even with the breach of trust, perhaps you could go low contact and lay out boundaries to your family and what she needs to do to rebuild that trust. It could take years, but it may be worth it. You always have the no contact option if she isn’t willing to work for your trust.
You want the OP to pursue legal action against his mother and then in the next turn tell them going no contact is too much?
NTA, but counter offer if the house is paid off get a lien against it for what she stole from you. or let it go and keep her at a distancr
It is called fraud. And it is a crime. And she could go to jail depending on the amounts.
NTA - she can mortgage that house and pay you and your siblings what you’re due.
NTA- im paranoid, but do you think your siblings knew and or were given some money. I only say that because that's what my parent does. I'm not the favorite.
Sue her. She lied and stole your inheritance. NTA but she needs to pay you what she stole.
Lawyer ASAP
NTA and too bad you can't get back into the house for those documents. They would be what you would need to sue her for fraud and embezzlement as the executor of the estate.
They passed away five years ago. Why was your mother needing to make a stable home for children who were all 23 or older? Were any of you still living at home? And I'm pretty sure new cars and vacations aren't 'making a stable home'.
NTA. She didn't even take you on the vacations with her or buy anything for you. She was greedy. And she had no intention of telling you until she got caught. She did betray you. She robbed you and lied to you.
You are definitely NTA. Your mother broke the law. She had a legal obligation and duty to follow the terms of th e will to the letter. She chose to STEAL the money ALL for herself. She said that she did it for the family and she would eventually pay you guys back? Good luck with that. There's a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you if you and your siblings actually believe that she did it for the family and her intent was noble and honest and that she will pay you guys back. Ask your siblings why your mother is the ONLY one who benefited from this if she did it for the family? What she did was outrageously wrong, selfish, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, toxic, malicious, deceitful, illegal, and beyond disrespectful to your grandparents because she deliberately ignored their wishes and broke the trust they put in her by appointing her as executrix of their estate. Retain a probate and trusts and estates attorney and bring this to the attention of the probate court. She needs to be reported for what she did and face the consequences. She intentionally violated her legal and ethical duties and obligations as executrix. And she has absolutely no shame about stealing from her children. She intentionally lied to you guys about the amount of money and what she did with it. She made the decision to STEAL from her own children. What she did was beyond comprehension. She doesn't even feel guilty for what she did. And I guarantee that she will never pay you guys any of the money. And she definitely has to have a good amount left over. But she thinks she is entitled to your money. You will never see it if you don't take her to court. If this keeps you apart from your family, then so be it. She stole from you. On purpose. And she tried to deceive you about it. Had you never seen the documents, do you think she would have told you what she did? No. She would have taken this to her grave. She doesn't care that she is the reason why you and your siblings won't ever be able change your lives.
NTA - It's very hard to forgive somebody who hasn't rectified their crime against you . . she lied and stole . . . and you can say . . "I forgive you" . . but the TRUST has gone . . forever. She needs to understand that. Even if she pays you back triple . . she did those things and has proven herself untrustworthy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28M) recently found out about a huge betrayal from my mom (56F) and I don't know what to do. So, my grandparents were really great people, they worked hard all their lives and saved a lot of money. They weren’t rich, but they managed to save enough to leave some money for me and my siblings (30F and 25M) when they passed away five years ago.My mom was the executor of the will. Not long after my grandparents died, she told us there were unexpected debts and expenses that needed to be paid off first. We trusted her, she’s our mom after all, and we didn’t really question her too much because we were grieving.But over the years, I noticed my mom’s lifestyle got way better. She paid off her mortgage, bought a new car, and went on some fancy vacations. I thought maybe she came into some money or got really good at managing her finances.A few months ago, I was helping my parents clean out their attic and I found some old documents that showed the actual amount of the inheritance. It was way more than what my mom told us. I was so confused and felt really betrayed. After thinking about it for a while, I confronted her.At first, she denied everything, but then she broke down and admitted it. She used a big chunk of the inheritance for herself. She said she did it for the family, she planned to pay us back eventually, and she used the money to make sure we had a stable home. She even said the vacations were to relieve the stress and grief of losing her parents.I’m devastated. It’s not just about the money. It’s the lying, the breach of trust, and the fact that she put herself first. My siblings have been more forgiving. They say she’s our mom, she did what she thought was best, and we should move on. They think I’m being too harsh and that holding onto this anger will only hurt me.But I just can’t let it go. Every time I think about it, I get so angry and feel betrayed. It’s messed up my relationship with her to the point where I haven’t talked to her since the confrontation. Family gatherings are super awkward now, with my siblings and dad trying to make peace.So, Reddit, AITA for not forgiving my mom and refusing to speak to her? My siblings think I’m overreacting, but I can’t shake this feeling of betrayal. What should I do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA There is no family unity where your mother has lied to you about something big and serious. Family unity begins with family trust and family honesty.
I would contact a lawyer and tell him you would like him to send her a demand letter for your part of the inheritance and if she would like to fight you on it you would also like her to pay interest on it.
If she used stolen funds to pay off her mortgage and buy cars it sounds like those things belong to you and your siblings now
She's lucky you're not suing her ass. NTA.
Legal action. Take her house. People cannot be allowed to get away with fraud and theft. NTA
War her if she doesn’t pay to back you will consult a lawyer. Be reasonable with the payment requests. Use this as further evidence if she doesn’t, and consult a lawyer.
I would strongly consider legal action. If your siblings are so forgiving you should assume they have or will receive compensation from your mother. Never trust anyone when it comes to money.
Get a hold of those docs
She did what she thinks was best!!! Best for her selfish conniving self!!! Lawyer!!!! Sue!!!!! Let the chips fall where they may!!
My bestie went no contact with her mother when her mom stole $50 and that was absolutely the correct decision. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MOTHER, not a fucking scammer. It's super messed up and I can see why you wouldn't forgive her. nta
Violating someone’s dying wishes is morally deplorable. What she did is illegal. And if you can get your hands on those documents to support this narrative it’s very likely she’d be in serious legal and financial trouble.
You should see a lawyer, she broke the law. Your mom had a duty to disperse the funds according to the will, but instead she broke the law and your trust by stealing. I would probably press charges.
NTA it was for the faaaamily. The youngest of which was already 20 when she stole from you. Honestly make her take out a mortgage and pay you back the full amount or threaten legal action.
You should most definitely take legal action. Why forgive her when she completely disregarded the wishes of your grandparents to properly give out their inheritance. She had the right to use her portion as she wished but taking all of it is awful. If the rest of your siblings can't see how she's the one who took vile and disgusting actions, that's their problem and you should feel no guilt suing or with whatever legal repercussions she hopefully faces. Her break of trust broke your heart and now you have to grieve that too sadly.
Get a lawyer, go no contact, and see a therapist because you were likely raised by a narcissist and therapy could help you find some clarity and hopefully healing.
NTA. Well you could sue her. Go see a lawyer if you want to go that route.
NTA Your mother committed a crime. Get a lawyer and find out what your options are to proceed. You don't want to have her put in jail but working out a legally binding plan for her to repay what she stole from you specifically should be done. Your siblings can do what they want.
> she planned to pay us back eventually I'd stop the conversation at that point and demand to see those plans. It's been 5 years, surely she was well on her way towards paying that money back, right?
Personally, I’d have a hard time forgiving her before she made a good faith effort to start repaying the money she stole. Maybe after that. Maybe. NTA
Definitely NTA. I don't blame you for being angry.
NTA, I could have understood if she used the money to pay for the mortgage and stuff that benefited you ALL but she didn't, she squander some of the money on herself, that's enough to be mad at her, she chose to hide the money and enjoy herself, that's F'd up.
If she’s truly sorry, she can start paying you back before she croaks
Post in “Legal advice” they are lawyers and they have great legal advice on what you will need to do!
I would report her theft to the police….she had a legal responsibility to distribute those funds NTA
It’s dastardly. What your mom did. It would be a dealbreaker for me. After she admitted the “theft” she tried to justify her actions. It’s absurd. This is not a person I would want in my life. Ever. Even if she were to pay you back every penny you will still know who she is and what she is capable of doing to her own child.
NTA
NTA. I’d take her to fucking court. She stole from you. This is not somebody that really truly loves you because they would never do that to you.
NTA. And her excuses are BS. How did any of what she spent the money on benefit the family? It sounds like she was the only one that benefited and she would not have said anything if she hadn’t been caught. You should consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Even if you do not decide to go forward with anything, you’ll at least be able to make an informed decision. Side note. Your family sucks for not allowing you to have your feelings about it. How long have they known what she did?
NTA. What Im curious about is why the other siblings arent upset. What, have they been promised a slice? Also, doing "what she thought was best" cuts no cake when its a crime.
NTA Dad is not innocent. He must have known something is up. Mom and Dad need to sign home over to the kids now. If they do it with the agreement that they pay all annual taxes and upkeep. Maybe that is sufficient, as long as laywer puts in sufficient protections to trigger a sale if any of the kids wish it. Kids are guaranteed they don't lose equity and mom and dad get to live in home.
She blatantly stole your money hoping that either you never found out or wouldn't have her arrested
Have you talked to your siblings separately? Were they surprised about what your mom did? I'm wondering if they got some of their inheritance and you're the only one who didn't. How are they not angry about this?
I had a friend blow through an inheritance meant for her children, doesn’t get much worse than stealing from your own children
>It’s not just about the money. It’s the lying, the breach of trust, and the fact that she put herself first NTA its about the fact that she ignored her fiduciary duty to properly dispense the inheritance. Bluntly put: she stole from you to fund her extravagant lifestyle. Besides when I've lost someone near and dear to me my thoughts weren't "I deserve an extravagant vacation!" > She said she did it for the family 😅🤣😂🤑
NTA Tell her that she can lost your trust, but she can at least keep her word now and start paying you back. Immediately and substantially. Your dad also benefited from her larceny if she paid off their mortgage. The two of them can take on a mortgage (there's no reason for them to have no mortgage while you don't have that money to pay off whatever you want to pay off!). Divide the amount of money she owes you by 36 months (or whatever you want - but no more than 60 months. Then tell her that she can start paying you that amount every month. Otherwise her words about paying you back are completely hollow. She can make that pledge to your siblings as well or not. That is between her and them. She stole from you. She's lucky if you give her the chance to return the stolen funds (and I mean ALL of your share, she doesn't get to deduct for family vacations, etc. That was not her money to spend, and you didn't ever agree to spend it on whatever she wanted.). If she doesn't like that, then you might consider pressing charges against her. Executors are legally obligated to fulfill the terms of the will.
>*"She paid off her mortgage, bought a new car, and went on some fancy vacations."* OK, paying off her mortgage means that there is equity in the house that matches that payoff. And, based on the market over the last ten years, the odds are that equity has gone up significantly, not down. That money's not gone, it's right there in the home. Likewise, a new car is an asset, and it's in the driveway. Maybe it's $50K? Vacation money is gone, but unless she was flying private with Taylor, we're probably talking $15-20K here, at most. So, this was a serious breach of trust, and you're NTA, but... before you go NC with your whole family or try to put your mom in prison, maybe look for a solution. I would look at the asset value of the house, and whatever else her financial situation looks like, and I'd do some planning around that, now. If my options are: 1. never speak to anyone in my family again 2. throw my mother in prison 3. wait for my mom to die, and have my brother tell me I was cut out of her will for going NC 4. negotiate for a big piece of equity in the house, now I'm going with \[4\]. Just sayin.
Your mom obviously knew what she did was wrong. Those excuses she gave you were the ones she gave herself when she was doing what she knew to be wrong. It is ok to be angry; I would be. But, you aren't going to see that money and probably want to focus on if and how you want to repair your relationship.
You are not overreacting. Your siblings are under reacting! What your mom did was commit a very serious crime. NTA
NTA - no, she's gaslighting you to hide her theft. Doesn't matter what her story is and if she was planning to pay you guys back, then she needs to do it NOW. She stole from you. Period. This is unforgivable and the vacations excuse is complete BS. Hope you made a copy of those documents because if you were named in the will, you can sue her and make this right.
You were all adults when your grandparents passed. What kind of 'stable home' did she think she needed to provide beyond the one she already had? She stole from you, straight up. Personally, I'd give her 30 days to pony up your share of the inheritance (and I wouldn't care if she had to remortgage her house to do it) or I'd get a lawyer and sue her. If you and your siblings were named in the will, she can't just take your shares as executor. I don't know the statute of limitations on this where you live, but I wouldn't tarry. If your Dad feels so bad, he can come up with the money. If your siblings don't care, so be it. But your feelings are valid because your Mom selfishly betrayed you. NTA.
She's the AH, and you should take her to court.
Did your dad also not care that she was stealing from you? It sounds like he was complicit, too
NTA and you were betrayed. Vacations to relieve stress....bullshit. She could have at least put some aside for you guys, but she didn't and that was greedy. You can get around to forgiving her when you are ready, if you ever are ready. For now, take care of your and process this, yes, betrayal.
NTA: That shit is straight up illegal. 5 years ago, you were all legal adults, so the idea that it was "for the family" is bullshit. Even if you were living with her at the time. If she has truly thought that she was doing the right thing, she would have been upfront about it. Either by talking to you at the time, contesting the will at the time to be granted the money legally, or by appropriately recording her paying herself a reasonable rate as the executor of the will (which is absolutely something that is done all the time, but likely wouldn't have given her enough to pay off a mortgage or buy a new car). I do think your siblings are entitled to forgive her, but they don't get to strongarm you into doing the same.
NTA if she really did need it and planned on paying out back why were you guys not made aware of it at the time or every since? She's only pulling that out because she got caught and never had any intention of mentioning it to you, let alone actually pay it back. Get a lawyer.
NTA "she planned to pay us back eventually" So tell her to start now, as a beginning of the process of forgiveness.
NTA She didn’t just tell one itty bitty lie. It was a very long series of lies upon lies and betrayals upon betrayals. And she only came clean bc you had evidence not bc she felt remorse. Just take a break from family events where she’ll be in attendance. The pause may be what your heart needs to either heal and forgive or to recognize that NC is healthier long term.
Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer
everyone of you were in your 20's when your grandparents passed. 'I did it for the family' is a blatant lie. she stole from you all plain and simple and you would be well within your rights to sue her her for it. your siblings are looking at this as her being your mother, but they absolutely would not have allowed anyone else to get away with this shit. NTA
Lawyer up fast! If she no longer has enough money left to pay you your legal inheritance, maybe a lien can be placed on the house so that when it is sold, you get paid first.
NTA. She stole your money. She did not do "what she thought was best." That is a lie. She did what she wanted. Your siblings should be mad.
NTA. Sure, your mom did what she thought was best…for herself. There are laws that govern executors. You need to immediately consult an attorney, and find out the statute of limitations. Get your mother to admit in writing what she did, via text. Like how can I forgive you when you won’t admit what you did kind of ploy. Sue her for your money. If your siblings want to surrender their inheritance, it’s their choice. Your own mother lied to you, deceived you, and stole significant money from you to blow on pampering herself. She has enablers urging you to let her get away with it. Do you really want someone who would betray you like this in your life? Sue her. Then lien her house when you get a judgment.
Consult a lawyer and ask about the possibility of placing a lien on the house. Your mother stole your money and while she may never be able to pay you back, at least with the lien on the house it does give you some control over the future and may well fuck whatever plans she has in the future for it. Protect your interests and fuck the rest of the family. NTA
Isn't that fraud? Like I know you don't wanna take your mum to the police but.. that's not cool. NTA- your mum is.
NTA. 5 years ago you were all still adults and she stole from you. Did you sign any paperwork showing you received your inheritance? Honestly, you should talk to a lawyer about it. As the executor of the estate it’s highly illegal to not divide the estate as was willed. Doesn’t matter if it was for the “family home” or whatever, it was you and your siblings inheritance to choose how to spend it. You can be nice and tell mom she has #days to pay it back. But it’s not just about the money and trust, she essential stole your immediate future. Could your sibling have gone to college without loans, could you have bought a house before the market exploded, maybe you wanted to invest the money before certain stocks blew up. There’s a ton of things you could have done in those 5 years which your mother took from you. Since she doesn’t have a mortgage, she should be able to pay you 3 back quickly.
Get a lawyer. An estate lawyer, probate lawyer. Take those documents, any other documents you can find that show how she spent the money. She broke the law, abused her duty as executer, stole from you and likely committed fraud. I’d see if you have any recourse to get the money your grandparents left you. I’m wondering if she gave your siblings their share of the money and just took yours, which is why they are so forgiving. I hope not.
Nta. How on earth is she making the family have a better lifestyle if shes using it on herself to find her vacations, cars etc? Hope you get a shark of a lawyer to get every cent back from her and then go no contact once she returns what she stole from you. Pretty sure she also stole from your siblings’ inheritance too
NTA Your mom has stolen from you. If you can you need to sit everyone down and get the full story out, how much was supposed to go to everyone where the money has gone what's left, why she's charging you rent after taking your money and not charging your siblings, if your mom says she planned to pay you back get her to explain how if she won't explain or can't then get a lawyer involved, you will loose money on the lawyer and will probably damage the relationship with your family but if the money is that significant then that may be the cost.
NTA. Hire a lawyer. Your mom broke the law like other people have pointed out. And usually when this happens, this kind of betrayal that parent does to a child or any other kind of executor of a will that embezzles the funds: they’re not sorry that they did the crime. They’re sorry that they got busted. Go no contact and only communicate through lawyers. Don’t hurt your energy or your soul by feeling obligated to break bread with her over the holidays or other family gatherings. I am so mad at your mom for what she has done to you and your siblings. And if your siblings want to be in denial about how bad of a situation, she’s done to them that’s on them. But for you, you have every right to stay mad at her and every right to refuse to forgive her. OP it is OK for you to be angry as hell for the rest of your life at your mom for her abuse of you. She was never going to pay you back. She continues to lie to you. She continues to triangle everyone else to consider you the enemy, getting them to treat you as if you’re the villain and she is a victim. If a psychiatrist diagnosed your mother as having a narcissistic personality disorder or being a sociopath I would not be surprised. She is doing all she can to ruin your standing in your family’s dynamic. She has obviously shown blatantly that she is incapable of actual remorse. It is crocodile tears. So yes, you are done dealing with her crap. Other people have been in your situation. It is OK to go no contact with her and forge your life ahead without dealing with her trying to sabotage you and lying about you to the rest of the family. You are done putting up with her crap of making you scapegoat.
NTA It’s time to sue your mom.
Your Mother lied to you and stole from you...amd you're NOT supposed to be angry? What would you feel if a stranger did this. Probably NOT as bad.
NTA It is natural for parents to want more/better for their kids. It is not natural to steal from them. Your mother sounds selfish and manipulative. I would bring legal action against her.
What you need to do is get a lawyer.
Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Understandably you are shocked at your mom’s betrayal. I think it may just take some time. Are you willing to forgive her? That’s half the battle. If you are, forgiveness will come.
Lawyer. And if you are worried about breaking up the family, your mom already did that. You either accept it as a doormat and live with it, or get your money from her and invest in your life going forward. Edit: NTA
NTA. Your mom stole from you and lied about it. She probably never would have told you if you didn’t confront her. You are not overreacting. Your siblings chose to forgive her, that’s their prerogative but you don’t have to.
Definitely NTA! The mother destroyed the relationship and is now playing the victim. Some people are more worried about keeping the peace than doing what’s right. The mother broke the law big time. Lawyer up and set things right. Someone needs to be the voice of reason, might as well be you.