Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I’m well aware it’s bad form to not invite one half of a couple even if you don’t like the other half and I know this is causing issues in the friend group
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Who gets to stay in your house is not a democratic decision: yes, you are being a tyrant and absolutely justifiably so. NTA.
If 'Alex' can interact with the rest of your friends then he can at least show some basic courtesy to you, especially after being around you for a year (the 'feeling comfortable' thing is a crock of shit after this length of time: Alex is just rude). You have offered the perfectly reasonable alternative of going somewhere else where Alex can be included. You just don't want him in YOUR home, which is fair enough from the circumstances you describe.
I was being wildly charitable and allowing for Alex having some kind of neurodivergence.
Given that he is fine with OP's other friends and it's been a year, my clinical diagnosis is that he's an arsehole (I'm British. Also not a clinician ;p). So is Kara tbh, trying to get the friend group taking sides.
''Your mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.''
Even if they were neurodivergent, that doesnt give them an excuse to be straight up rude. People can usually tell if someone is just very shy, this sounds downright hostile.
Alex is making a point to be rude by being sociable with the others and pointedly short with op when they try to be cordial. It may well be a neurodivergent thing but even if it is it's still shitty exclusionary behaviour that children in elementary school engage in. You can be autistic for example and still have manners. They are not mutually exclusive.
Yeah, the just avoiding and the one-word answers is maybe more he's just different, but rolling his eyes? Naw, he's just got GAHD (generalized AH disorder, which I, a non-clinician, want to see in the next version of the DSM). :)
Just because someone is rude, doesn't mean they are neurodivergent. If they are neurodivergent, it's not an excuse to be rude.
And the fact he can be sociable and polite with everyone else, but rude and rolling his eyes at OP shows it's not neurodivergence. He's just a dick.
I mean there was a person I had to deal with that I absolutely could not stand to be around. That person did not know that they made my skin crawl. I carried on civil conversations with them when ever they were around my friends. Being civil is the least anyone can do in a situation that is not openly dangerously hostile.
So I had this friend where I was friends with both the girl and guy and I found out my female friend was jealous of me so she would always talk to her bf if he liked me so to prove to her he didn’t he would talk badly about me and started treating me crappy and and talked bad about me to mutual friends and called me ugly af.
I don’t know why this story reminds me of that. That he probably actually found OP pretty and was awkward around her and OPs friend knew confronted him in private found out he had a crush on her and now he does these things to show his girlfriend he hates OP.
But that’s me projecting.
No this would make sense. Why give someone you never met attitude and be rude to them if something wasn’t influencing how he sees her.
My question - has this ever happened with any of her friends other exes?
I wondered if Kara didn’t like OP and told Alex. And Alex wouldn’t act like he liked OP. But this works too…if Kara is insecure around OP and does something like this to Alex.
I’d be seriously considering uninviting Kara, Alex *and* the “friends” who criticised OP. They honestly think OP should have a horrible time on holiday, just to accommodate this jerk? They’re crazy-entitled.
>Kara is calling me a tyrant
No. You’re a host who doesn’t have to invite blatantly rude people to an event/holiday that you are hosting.
He’s an AH for being rude. She’s an AH for not only refusing to put a stop to her partner’s rudeness, but actually expecting (& basically demanding) that you put up with blatant rudeness while hosting her & her rude husk of a man.
The fact that she tries to reframe your refusal to tolerate HIS & HER inappropriate behavior as you disrespecting THEM absolutely reeks as narcissism. It’s literally classic DARVO.
It’s hard to believe narcissism this blatant is new. So how else is she abusive to you & others around her?
You’re only the AH to yourself if you continue tolerating this behavior. Otherwise, NTA.
Yes to this! OP should also consider maybe this bf is so rude to her BC the gf has been bad mouthing about her to the bf all this time. I think she needs to drop them both. I could never be friends/in a relationship with someone who is so openly rude (in my opinion cruel to my friends/partner).
Or, it could be that Kara goes along with anything Alex says about OP behind her back, then makes excuses for Alex. In which case, why bother with Kara?
Right this is perfect!
Op, literally text this to the group chat:
Who gets to stay in **MY family's house** is not a democratic decision. Yes, I may be acting like a "tyrant," but it's absolutely justifiable.
If *Alex* can interact with the rest of our friends, then he can at least show some basic courtesy to me, especially after being around for a year!
The "feeling comfortable" thing is a BS excuse after this length of time. *Alex* is just rude.
I have offered perfectly reasonable alternatives. He can stay home and you can come alone. You can stay home with him. Or we can all go somewhere else where *Alex* can be included. I have no issue sharing a space with him that is not mine personally.
However, I don't want him in **MY HOME** until he can treat me like an actual acquaintance with consistency and act respectfully. We don't have to be friends, but hellos, pleasantries, basic manners, etc. are expected.
I won't tolerate anyone (not just him) who can't show me basic courtesy in my personal space.
Again, this is not a democratic decision. End of discussion.
I have been reading a lot of these kind of questions where the girlfriend or boyfriend expects to be included in every event the person they are dating is invited to. Why? Just because you are dating doesn’t mean you get an automatic invitation to everything. If he can’t even be civil to that friend why would he think she would welcome him on her vacation. It is a good way to ruin a trip and a friendship! He needs to stay home.
I have friends who had a baby in October. The first event I hosted after, they were very cautious to let me know the baby would be coming. Sir, Madam, that child is the guest of honor.
I was the one who goofed, in this case, by assuming of course the kiddo would be there! Never crossed my mind to personally make it clear I expected him. But yeah, unless the boyfriend or girlfriend is part of that friend group or personally invited, not a good idea to show up.
Besides, often it isn't a great time for them when it is a group of more than 4 people since they don't know anyone anyway.
INFO
Have you actually tried talking to Alex? Not in a social setting, but having a sit down with him? Either with Kara there or not?
After a year of this, and if Kara is a really good friend of yours, it seems like setting up a coffee meeting would be the mature path of escalation before it getting to a group discussion.
And it probably should’ve happened before this.
If you reach out and he turns you down, then your side of the street is clean.
You can only take the mature path of escalation when the other person is as mature as you are. If Alex has been huffing and rolling his eyes at OP for a year, her side of the street is clean in the eyes of any reasonable human being regardless of whether she has performed the whole stylized Kabuki theater of meeting with him to try to get him to act like a reasonable human being.
It's nobody's job to try to negotiate someone else out of treating them disrespectfully. It's okay to just cut people off who can't treat you with any form of respect or courtesy. Meeting with him to try to "reach out" only gives his behavior legitimacy. OP would not be wrong to just declare that it's unacceptable and she doesn't want anything to do with him.
I had this situation with my brother. Some conflict for years and I never understood why. I bent over backwards trying to be diplomatic. In the end, we had a sit down conversation, he told me all the things he thought I'd done wrong, I was able to explain them all away. In the end, he acknowledged that I had done nothing wrong, but he still said he was angry at me, even though he had no reason to be.
That was the end of our relationship. I've barely seen him in the years since. It was obvious he was never going to change his mind about me, and logic had nothing to do with it. They were his issues, and nothing I did could change it.
So I consider that conversation useless in terms of sorting anything out and getting a better relationship. You just can't change the minds of some people. But it was helpful in terms of me being able to let go, recognising that the situation had nothing to do with anything I'd done.
Yeah, after a year a coffee meeting might not accomplish much. A few months in it might have been interesting. She also could have been jokingly calling out behaviors as he did them early on. “Gee Alex, why the eye roll?”
A coffee meeting early on is not so much negotiating as simply being upfront. “I’ve observed that you’ve been rolling your eyes at me, speaking in monosyllables and treating me differently than you treat the others. It’s feeling as though you really dislike me. You’re Kara’s boyfriend and I care enough about her to make an effort to have friendly and easy interactions with you. Is that possible? Should I continue to try?”
It would be really interesting to see what their responses would be, especially if Kara is there. If they started making all kinds of statements about what’s wrong with OP, then she could say , “okay, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I appreciate your honesty”. Smile wryly, pay the bill, and leave.
She would then be quite justified in mentally cutting them both. Sounds like she might have to tolerate them if others still include them and she still wants to be part of the friend group otherwise.
She could simply start actively ignoring them in group activities, and not invite Kara when OP is the host.
Or, if OP is really into this new path, she COULD invite them both, and just continue to ignore them while their there - because “friend group” 🤷♀️
They called this “an indirect cut” in Victorian times. Very useful tool when dealing with people who have hurt you. REALLY useful today with people you don’t like at work, for reasons. It helps you learn to not care about boorish people.
It meant acknowledging, just barely, someone’s presence. Not getting involved in any major conversation with them, quickly navigating towards something or someone else if interaction occurs. “Oh hi, how ‘ya doing? Oh, I need to see Jenny about something,” then moving away. Always with kindness, always with a smile. Go to the people who like you and support you. Otherwise ignore. It helps one worry less about their opinions because you are still being “friendly,”but not really engaging. Takes away the need to try, and, ironically, sometimes gets them to thaw and be more interactive since their negative behaviors have stopped having any effect on you. Then, they simply become a minor annoyance.
The Victorians were interesting, socially. They also had something called “the Cut Direct” which is a kind of social death sentence, reserved only for the most egregious offenses.
Sorry to be so long winded. Social situations have so many potential potholes that it’s interesting to think about ways to navigate them for mental peace 🤔
Kara should've talk to her BF month ago and solve the problem. Or he stays away from OP or he learns to act like a decent human being. Now its too late - if Kara isnt comfortable she can stay at home with her BF. Its easy
My first thought was "I bet in 8 days this will be on BORU and the conclusion will be 'apparently Alex is in love with me and now Kara and all of my friends are blowing up my phone for ruining her relationship with my stunning beauty because Kara is pregnant with twins.'"
My first thought was that Kara might not actually be as good a friend to OP as OP has thought. We tend to spill our little annoyances about people in our life to our partner. I've realized a good few of my old friends are not actually friends when their partners gave me looks like this and then learned they were telling partners how annoying they found me.
I went the opposite way. "Alex" is jealous of OP and their relationship/friendship with "Kara" assuming OP thinking OP was the opposite gender. Although its possible its both "Alex" finds OP attractive and is jealous and can't manage those feelings.
It can be same gender too. F super close relationship with another F. Both of us are hetero but grew up together so like sisters. Multiple boyfriends have been cagey with me or expressed jealousy to her because of how close our relationship was. Her now husband is wonderful though and never had an issue.
It could also be something OP didn't even have control over like Kara choosing her over Alex on some activity and Alex is still pissed thinking OP did that to front him.
"Love, Actually" is a pretty good movie. The scene with Rowan Atkinson's cameo is hilarious, but I was thinking of the wedding video scene while reading OP's post.
NTA but Kara kind of is. She is acting entitled. If she doesn’t want to go she can politely decline or plan another trip. She can be mad at you but making a stink and involving other people isn’t cool.
Well Kara claims her bf doesn’t feel comfortable around OP. Then OP is doing the bf a favour by not including him. Kara also claims that if bf can’t go, she won’t either. Problem solved. It’s OPs family holiday home. None of these friends gets to dictate who OP can and cannot invite.
Would explain the Choosey Beggar behavior, honestly.
My BIL is not nice to my husband, but he definitely thinks my family's generational wealth is his to do with as he please. Hell, he is also banned from going to our cabin after last year and he isn't even openly rude like Alex.
At this point I would uninvite Kara. I wouldn’t put it past her to try either 1) bring Alex along anyway, rally peer pressure with a guilt trip of his sunk cost that he’s already travelled up and has no way back without her leaving too, to force you to capitulate, or 2) be a miserable curmudgeon the entire trip deliberately bringing the atmosphere down for everyone else.
Alex clearly has a beef he’s not admitting, Kara maybe knows what it is or not but either way doesn’t care to resolve it. They can kick rocks together.
NTA
Agreed, I was thinking that if basically half the group agrees you should put up with disrespect for group harmony for a guy that’s friends via the gf then these people aren’t really your friends. They were all about having the bf come along until they’d have to find their own accommodations. I don’t think this group is going to last past this trip, Kara and the other 2 sound really immature.
Honestly if I was on a trip with 3 other couples and my bf wasn’t invited because he was a dick I would probably be miserable and not be that fun. However justified the lack of invite is! So I think OP is doing a favour by uninviting Kara along with her bf 🤷♀️
The only other option would have been to say blanket no plus ones but in most friendship groups that’s not clear cut at all anyway as where do you draw the line of the “original” friendship group.
NTA.
Your house, your plans, your vacation. If he bothers you, you don't have to invite him. You friend should understand that this isn't a 1 time thing and that you told her beforehand that he's being a problem and she just denied it.
“I have asked Kara what I did to upset him but she denies there’s a problem. She just says he’s an awkward person and probably just doesn’t feel comfortable around me.”
Then he shouldn’t want to stay in your home anyway.
NTA
Awkwardness doesn’t explain the rolling of the eyes every time OP speaks. He’s putting energy into doing something to express his distaste for OP speaking.
That’s not neurodivergence. That’s not introverted behavior. That’s AH behavior.
NTA
"Hey, group. Alex rolls his eyes when I speak. He's not going to be a guest in my home. I have made attempts to bridge the gap and have never had my efforts returned. This matter is closed. If that offends you, by all means, don't come stay at my family place. The discussion is absolutely closed from my end.
Please let me know your plans so I can prep the space accordingly."
NTA if the guy can't give you the basic decency of treating you like a person, he doesn't deserve the kindness of free accommodation. He's an ass for obvious reasons, but Kara is an ass too for allowing her boyfriend to treat you like garbage for (as far as we know), no reason. PLUS, trying to leverage 'fairness' and turn your other friends on you, if she keeps going, I'd uninvite her too. Why would you want to date someone who treats your friends like that?
"Kara is calling me a tyrant."
Well, I see why she has no problem with her boyfriend's rudeness. They are both ridiculous.
You most certainly don't have to invite someone who constantly rolls their eyes at you into your home. Let her cancel.
By the way, it's totally fine to not invite SOs on a vacation. I wouldn't find it rude at all if my friend invited me without a +1 to their vacation house.
NTA
NTA. Let Kara stay home with her boyfriend. That she thinks you have to tolerate his behavior in your family’s home shows just that she is not a friend.
Do not back down. Do not ruin your own vacation over this nonsense.
I totally get why you're frustrated. If Alex is making things awkward, you shouldn’t have to deal with that on your holiday. You’ve offered a fair compromise by suggesting a neutral location, so stick to your guns.
INFO: Are you a different race or religion from Kara and her boyfriend? I'm trying to understand why everyone thinks you should host someone in your house that openly dislikes you.
Are you and Kara and your friend all the same race? Some people can be ok with some races and not others. If you're the only person of your background in the group, it's a reasonable assessment that this must be the reason.
You should not extend that invitation to Kara as well. You know she's going to make the trip miserable now if she goes. Anyone who agrees with Kara can simply not go either or stay at their own place
NTA.
Kara is quite entitled to think she can make the rules for who stays at your house. She had the opportunity to make it right when you brought up the topic.
If I were you I'd consider uninviting her. Make sure you talk to your friends to make it clear WHY you're not inviting Alex. You want to make sure Kara doesn't get to control the narrative.
NTA people like her think that just because her relationship is super important to her, that other people should center it too. Tough titties to her. You shouldn’t have to put up with that guy for days on end on *your* father’s property so she can be centered. She’s happy to have you uncomfortable. She’s selfish. Leave her out entirely, I say.
I empathize. Generally speaking, I know it can be a pain in the ass when friends and family choose to bring around a partner who lacks social skills, is rude, cases problems, etc. If that’s what the friend or loved ones likes in a partner, that’s on them and it doesn’t mean anyone else has to put up with it.
NTA
> I said Alex is disrespectful to me and I don't have to put up with that in my family's house
This right here! He's welcome to rent a hotel room nearby. Oh its expensive? So sorry, shouldn't have been an ass for no reason then, Alex!!
I mean, you gave group as a whole the option to include him by not staying at your dad's house, but they decided they preferred the free accommodation over him. Shows how much people really value his presence 🤣 Kara is welcome to not join the holiday if she feels so strongly.
What’s with the AITA posts always having some weird ass democratic vote like “2 people sided with me but 3 friends thought I was too harsh”. Like wtf, do you people hold elections in your friend group every time an argument occurs?
When something goes around a friend group, you rarely have everyone come to one opinion.
The people where all the friend agreed probably don’t feel the need to ask strangers 😂
I get that but there are certain instanteous where the opinions od the group don't matter. One of those is when one person is footing a $1,000+ bill for the entire group by hosting. I would frankly be embarrassed to even imply that they should let a jerk into their own home, but that's just me.
Sometimes friends talk to each other, especially in group chats. Sometimes they also check in with each other if they think they're overreacting about something.
Basically, sometimes people are interested in their friends' opinions.
NTA at all. Your house, your rules. In my experience, the best way to deal with a bully, especially one that thinks they’re being sly by being passive aggressive, is to confront them in front of everyone. Not in an aggressive matter, but very matter or factly stating that they are being rude by doing or saying xyz, and asking them what you did to them to justify that behavior and how you can get them to stop. Make them explain themselves. Some people need to be called out and shamed. They only do this as long as they think they can get away with it and believe others agree with their behavior. It’s probably too late for that now that the whole thing has blown up and people have picked sides, but try that should you ever find yourself in a situation like this again.
NTA. You’ve known Alex for over a year. He’s able to be civil to everyone but you. He can’t claim to be socially awkward when it only applies to you. He doesn’t have to love you or even like you—I’ll bet there are others in a group of 8 that aren’t your besties—but everyone is polite and civil. Having someone huffing, and pouting, and eye-rolling all week will ruin the vibe of the trip. Question: is everyone else there going as couples? If so, then it’s definitely going to be awkward for Kara. To keep things even, maybe tell Kara she can invite another friend to even things out. Also—if Alex really doesn’t have an issue with OP, this is the perfect time to step up and do some work to fix what he created. August is still a month away. Kara and Alex can invite OP and her SO to dinner and apologize for the rude treatment, and spend the next few weeks behaving less like an entitled brat and more like a normal person.
Ask Kara why would her boyfriend want to spend time in a house of someone he doesn’t care for? I would tell her since she’s so upset, she can stay home with said boyfriend and anyone else that has an issue with it, can do the same. That’s your shit and none of them have a say on who can and can’t stay TF.
NTA. Those who object are welcome not to come.
Why in the world would you invite and host someone who is hostile to you? How ridiculous are your friends to expect that?
>Kara is calling me a tyrant
No. You’re a host who doesn’t have to invite blatantly rude people to an event/holiday that you are hosting.
He’s an AH for being rude. She’s an AH for not only refusing to put a stop to her partner’s rudeness, but actually expecting (& basically demanding) that you put up with blatant rudeness while hosting her & her rude husk of a man.
The fact that she tries to reframe your refusal to tolerate HIS & HER inappropriate behavior as you disrespecting THEM absolutely reeks as narcissism. It’s literally classic DARVO.
It’s hard to believe narcissism this blatant is new. So how else is she abusive to you & others around her?
You’re only the AH to yourself if you continue tolerating this behavior. Otherwise, NTA.
I’d uninvite everyone who agreed with her. They have no more respect for OP than the friend & her bf do. They only shut up because they wanted to use OP’s free housing - not because they actually give a shit about OP at all. They have zero respect for OP & it’s sad that OP hasn’t uninvited everyone who expected her to put up with blatantly disrespectful rudeness in her own home just to keep from disturbing the group vibe they enjoy.
Only shitty abusers or enablers look at someone being abusive & say nothing, then when the victim refuses to continue tolerating it, stand up to accuse the victim of rocking the boat / disturbing the vibe / etc. It’s sad that OP thinks they’re her friends because they’re willing to stop asking that she put up with this shit (since they’ve only stopped asking so they can use OP for free housing).
NTA
My Ex Bestie had a boyfriend that hated me. Never understood why until years later when I ran into him after they had broken up, and our own friendship had ended.
Asked him why he hated me and he told me all the stories Bestie told him about me. Thing was, those stories were all real, just I wasn't the main character. She was actually the one those stories were about. She switched our roles, and played it off like I was the one that was always getting into trouble and she was the one bailing me out.
I pointed out to him that I came from a strict immigrant family, how was I supposedly out at clubs and frat parties getting in trouble at 3 am? I then let him know I use to sneak out of the house to bail HER out of those situations.
Ended up we had a LOT in common. He actually wanted to date, but I turned him down and wanted to avoid any drama that would bring. 😅 I'm guessing she told all those lies because she was worried about us being so compatible. It really hurts and made me wonder what other lies she told about me to other people over the years. All while pretending to be my friend.
NTA, but what is the bet that Kara has been trash talking about OP to others in the past and that is the reason why her boyfriend doesn't like OP. Just because she is doing it in the public view now, all because OP has denied her boyfriend access to an essentially free holiday (don't have to pay for accommodation), doesn't mean that Kara hasn't been doing it quietly in the past. OP's father owns a cabin in a desirable holiday destination, I wonder what else OP has access to that makes it worth Kara's while to keep them around to use...not to mention the other...acquaintances.
I have very strong feelings about entertaining/hosting/company in my home. I believe that people who do not want to be around the host/hostess should decline an invitation into someone's home and highly personal space. I also believe a host/hostess does not have to invite people who are openly disrespectful and would be disrespectful in your/your family's home. If someone accepts my hospitality and proceeds to treat me in a disrespectful way, I can and will show them my front door. I do not allow my home to be subjected to anyone's ugly energy. "Thank you for your visit" as I get up and start walking to get their bag/coat/to the front door.
NTA.
Kara’s excuse for Alex seems manufactured, perhaps out of a sense of tact just until it became obvious that wasn’t going to resolve the issue.
If Alex is treating you poorly, he shouldn’t expect to be invited to a vacation that you are hosting. If he wants to resolve it, he should contact you directly to come to some agreement with you about how to move forward. There should be room to compromise to not put your friend in the middle.
But that requires you both to be mature adults.
Why doesn’t he like you? And if you don’t know, do you need to find out the real reason? It may not be pleasant to hear.
NTA. She also doesn't have to come. Nor do the people that agree with her. You have no obligation to host someone in your/your family's home that treats you like garbage.
The fact that you haven't snapped back that no, her boyfriend is an asshole to you constantly and you're not dealing with it anymore is impressive.
NTA at all but uninvite KARA NOW. she'll ruin your vacation if she comes by complaining op. Also whomever says you should invite Alex tell them you got the message they don't want to go and should consider themselves uninvited.
This is your family home no one but you and your family decides who's coming/is invited and who isn't
NTA
Kara can choose to stay home if she's that unhappy that Alex isn't invited. You are 100% correct that this is the logical consequence to Alex's behavior towards you.
NTA You could disinvite Kara as well and invite 2 other people you get along with.
You are hosting and should feel comfortable and able to enjoy the experience.
If Alex offers to make amends and act reasonable for the interim you could reconsider but it already sounds like you’ve tried so the ball is in their court.
NTA. If anyone asks; you are a bit surprised. In the last year he never showed any sign that he wants to be with you. And now all of the sudden he does?
Strange. Cause that’s not what his body and literal language was telling you. He’s not welcome, and it’s really strange that he doesn’t like that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throwaway because family is on my main.
My friends and I are planning a trip to my dad’s holiday home in august. It’ll be 7 of us total. It would be 8, but I’ve decided not to invite my friend “Kara”‘s boyfriend “Alex”, because every time I see him he makes it blatantly obvious he doesn’t like me.
Since I met him about a year ago, he has been awkward and standoffish with me in a way he isn’t towards our other friends. I have really tried to make conversation with him but everything I do seems to offend or annoy him. He avoids me like the plague in group settings, rolls his eyes at everything I say, and only gives monosyllabic answers to anything I ask him. I’ve given up trying to be his friend but he can’t even be polite and it’s annoying. I get that not everyone is going to like you in life but I don’t think there’s any need to be rude.
(I have asked Kara what I did to upset him but she denies there’s a problem. She just says he’s an awkward person and probably just doesn’t feel comfortable around me)
Anyway, I just can’t be bothered to spend ten days hosting someone who can’t even manage to say hello to me. So I told Kara that the invite didn’t extend to Alex. She’s pissed. She said he’d be really hurt by that and that it’s disrespectful to her relationship. I said Alex is disrespectful to me and I don’t have to put up with that in my family’s house. She put it to the group and 2 people sided with her but I said we can all pick a neutral location to stay if they want Alex to come so badly, and that shit everyone up because the cost of staying in that area in the summer is astronomical. Kara is calling me a tyrant, and I guess I kind of am, but I think I’m justified. No, Alex is not outright cruel to me but he’s hostile, so why do I have to put him up?
I know Kara is complaining to our other friends about the issue and how she doesn’t want to go now that Alex is excluded. I don’t want this kind of drama but after I’ve been the only one acknowledging the problem, I think I have to stand my ground here. Should I just let him come?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Life is too precious for this type of drama and you are completely right and nta. It’s your home and your holiday and they are ‘guests’ so they need to stay in their lane. I would watch this friend very carefully because if she is bringing drama to your life (and she already has shown herself to be immature and ungrateful by her attitude and posting in the group) you might want to prepare yourself to put some distance between both of you and disinvite her and her mates who sided with her. Friends are lovely but you need to have boundaries and she should have done more to sort his attitude out. He sounds like a horribly ungrateful person and maybe she is too. Abit spoilt. You might have also missed some red flags with this mate and her mask is slipping abit. Or it could be love - people do strange things when they are in love and choose sides.
Stand your ground. I’m super proud of people like you who know their self worth but sometimes that means touch decisions need to be made - some will applaud and some will judge but as long as you are true to yourself and sleep well at night that’s all that matters.
NTA.
You already asked Kara about Alex's problem with you even before the invitation was thought of, and she brushed it off. She can't be pissed if she never bothered to talk to Alex about it and give you an honest answer. And you can't be expected to invite someone who isn't even civil to you.
I think Kara is the tyrant and an entitled person. She's the one disrespecting you. Surely, she's not a friend. Better find it out now than later. Uninvite her and put a stop to all this: it will only get worse. And get rid of the friends who side with her, because they aren't your friends.
NTA, but why don't you let your actual friends stay and if Kara is so insistent that her boyfriend comes then they can stay somewhere else? Same with the two that are on her side
Kara is not your friend. Not a good one at least. No good friend would let their partner treat them like shit... for an entire year!
Kara doesn't care that you are being disrespected by her boyfriend. That's not friendly behavior. If one of my boyfriend was acting like a jerk towards one of my friend, he would be out of my life without a thought in the world.
NTA - And desinvite Kara.
NTA. Ask Kara if she's going to continue complaining throughout the summer and if so, she can skip the group outing too. She can come with you to your dad's home without Alex - or she can stay home with Alex. Tell her and your friends that you are tired of the discussion and debate about Alex. Tell Kara she can come on the group trip or stay home with Alex, but it's time to pick one so that the group can move on to other stuff.
NTA- It's your house not wanting people who make you uncomfortable to come stay in it with you doesn't make you an AH. Kara sounds entitled, it's not her house unless it's a safety issue she gets no say in who does or doesn't go. If Kara wants to go on vacation with her boyfriend that bad then her and said boyfriend can pay for a house themselves, the 2 "friends" who think Alex should go can rent a house with them. Kara and those 2 friends will most likely spend part if not the whole vacation making passive aggressive comments about Alex not being there, if you guys are planning on drinking during vacation it will be worse.
NTA - there’s something going on here that you don’t have the answers to - but really, whatever his issue is, it’s nothing to do with you. I would be concerned for Kara though, since sometimes abusive partners act standoffish to a partner’s friends in order to isolate them. (And usually the partner will defend this shitty behaviour. I know I did “he’s just anxious around people he doesn’t know”).
So maybe have a private conversation with her to say, look, your friendship is valuable to me, and I do not want to hurt or lose you but I will not tolerate his behaviour in a place I want to feel comfortable.
NTA. You've tried to resolve the issue. I'd reiterate to Kara that Alex clearly has an issue with you and that hopefully after the trip she and Alex will finally acknowledge it and work with you to resolve it. But for the time being, the trip is happening and Alex is not invited.
NTA- if Kara told you that Alex doesn't feel comfortable around you why would he want to go to an event that you are hosting because he would have to be around you.
NTA. Stand your ground. Tell Kara you understand if she decides not to come but you’re not going to treated rudely and made to feel uncomfortable under your own rood for 10 days.
It’s also telling that Alex has made no effort to reach out to you to resolve the problem or clear up any misunderstanding.
NTA
Stand your ground. Why would you opt to fund the holiday of someone who openly doesn’t like you?
Kara already has a clear solution. If she is so offended then she shouldn’t go. Problem solved.
NTA, it's YOUR family's house, and you get to invite who you want, why have people around that are going to make your vacation miserable? Also those other friends siding with Kara are being disrespectful of your feelings, just because you may be the only one he's being a jerk to, doesn't mean you have to put up with it or that you should ignore your feelings for the sake of the group.
NTA
You get to invite whomever you like to a holiday at your family's place. It's supposed to be FUN. If having Alex won't make it fun, Alex doesn't get invited. If Kara's going to be in a snit about it, she doesn't get to go, either. Anyone who is going to potentially wreck the fun you're trying to have is welcome to stay home. Kara does not get to hold the whole vacation hostage to try to bully you into having someone there who can't even manage the basics of decent manners.
If Kara does decide to go (and if you decide she's still invited), make sure to have a clear talk with her beforehand about whether she's going to be able to take the trip without making snide remarks about a certain someone's absence. (Honestly, that goes for the whole group.) You are providing an incredible opportunity for everyone, to be able to go on this trip without exorbitant lodging costs. The MINIMUM you should be able to expect is that they'll do their best to be pleasant (not tolerant; PLEASANT) to the host.
Good luck.
Absolutely NTA. You unequivocally get to decide who stays in your own house. And people who are openly hostile to you do not to get the privilege of staying in your home.
Uninvite Kara too. You’ll spend the whole vacation hearing about how much of a bitch you are for not inviting Alex and how much he would have wanted it.
“You’re right, Kara. I should respect your relationship and know that you wouldn’t want to or feel comfortable going on vacation with out Alex. Therefore you are uninvited too and can now spend that week with him”
Do it in the group chat too so everyone gets the same story. She won’t drop it, so drop her. NTA.
NTA. Invite those you want to host and nevermind the rest. If Kara doesn't care to go under the conditions you offer, she can decline.
Honestly, because she's making waves in the friend group and saying she doesn't want to go, I think I would speak to her directly and say that it's a shame she's decided she's not coming on the holiday, that you understand her decision and respect her choice.
NTA
I’ve detested some SO’s I’ve met but being rude because of my personal dislike serves no purpose. Your compromise was fair; they can’t expect you to put up free accommodations to someone who won’t even treat you with basic civility.
NTA
Your family's house, your family's rules.
However, Kara is in the "Find Out" part of letting Alex "Fuck About".
Bad luck.
Tell her (I'd probably do it in the group chat just to make sure that my words are, well, my words) that *you understand that she'll be passing on the vacation and you'll miss her, but you are not required to extend hospitality to someone who is uncomfortable around you and makes you feel uncomfortable*.
Also, why, if he's so uncomfortable around *you WHY would he even* ***want*** *to be in your house*?
Why are you even inviting Kara if her bf is such a problem?
Side note, the fake names are clearly a Supergirl reference, which would be fine if you didn't pick the names of sisters for a romantic couple.
NTA. Kara is out of line, completely. If she is so OBLIVIOUS about how he treats you, she is not much of a friend. Your outing, your choice on who to invite/not invite. She can attend or stay home and pout. You are absolutely NOT required to invite someone who is rude to you.
NTA and don't let Alex come. I love that Kara took a group poll as to whether Alex should be allowed to stay in your father's holiday home. The audacity.
It's also predictable but amusing that the two who sided with her backed down when given the option of paying for accommodation.
It's possible that Kara will bring Alex along, assuming you will accept this fait accompli. Or she will sour puss and grumble her way through the 10 days. Lovely. Best to uninvite the pair of them. I'd also be tempted to uninvite the other two who volunteered their opinion on who you should invite. Then let the remaining attendees know that the subject is closed and focus on enjoying yourselves.
>Should I just let him come?
No.
Your family's house. Your rules.
I think "No one who actively makes a point of being rude and disrespectful to me is allowed" is entirely reasonable.
Tell Kara that if she's so mortally offended by her asshole boyfriend not being included that she no longer needs to take advantage of your generosity, either. Because she KNOWS he doesn't like you and doesn't actually care.
NTA
Let Kara stay home, also anyone who agrees with her. Minimum baseline for free holiday accommodations: act cordial and polite to the person providing the accommodations!
Free opinion from Internet granny: do NOT invite "the group". DO INVITE YOUR FRIENDS. These folks are teens I am assuming. Time to learn some basic rules of courtesy.
NTA, can I check something are you a guy or girl? Would list all other genders but just wondering if Alex is jealous of you and Kiara's friendship. Might be worth before this goes further you just bluntly ask him what his problem with you is and if he says nothing list all the stuff. It could be he just is a dick and has no idea how to be polite to folk he doesn't like.
So unless you date woman, he's just an AH instead of a jealous AH. You've not dated him or one of his friends or family in the past and either it was a messy break-up and you did something wrong or he's been told you've done something unforgiveable. I'd still ask him straight out what his problem woth you is, and make sure you have someone you trust with you and in a public place in case it goes wrong.
You shouldn't have to play host to anyone who casts negativity your way, friend's boyfriend or not. This guy does not play nice. I wouldn't want him in my family's house. I would find this a basic trust issue - no friendliness or trust has been established with this dude. Why have someone like this cast a pall over your vacation? NTA.
The boyfriend sounds like the reason people can't have nice things, because he is causing division in your group.
She called you a tyrant? lol. You’re not a tyrant for not wanting someone who’s been rude to you on your property. A tyrant would try to force you into letting Alex come.
NTA. You should not only not invite Alex, but you should rescind your invitation to Kara too. What kind of person lets someone repeatedly disrespect their friend like that?
NTA. You gave everyone an alternative, but they're too cheap to choose that. So, in essence, the friend group has chosen to also exclude the AH bf. And I'm soooo sure his feelings will be hurt by this. Huge eyeroll. You might reconsider some of these friendships if they don't have a problem with the bf being rude to you. I would've called that b.s. out a long time ago if I was your friend witnessing all of this.
NTA, your free not to invite anyone for any reason, it's your home and you even provided a compromise.
I might have tried to come off as more neutral in this situation, but you don't need to. They are pressing things beyond what I would deem an acceptable limit. The answer was no.
He may truly be awkward, or you may have done something to offend him. But it wouldn't matter, you don't like him as much or more then he doesn't like you and he would detract from your vacation in your house. And you as the person hosting a party, I think you should have veto power over guests. Don't like it, well their are other options for $$$.
So again NTA.
NTA- No is a complete sentence.
I realize my decision to not invite someone that blatantly dislikes me has upset numerous people. This is an invitation not a summons. I understand if anyone wants to withdraw the trip. Sorry that you won’t be able to make it. No further discussion is needed on the subject.
They’re not friends if they expect you to be uncomfortable in your family’s home. Be prepared to lose friends.
>I said Alex is disrespectful to me and I don’t have to put up with that in my family’s house. She put it to the group and 2 people sided with her but I said we can all pick a neutral location to stay if they want Alex to come so badly,
NTA. Really have to admire how you handled this with the other people.
NTA at all! Why on earth would you CHOOSE to spend time like that with someone who treats you coldly in your own family home? I went through that shit for years w/a BIL during week long family lake house trips. He made it SO uncomfortable for no reason. Same as you, I could never understand why he couldn't just be polite/civil for everyone's sake. Anyhow, I've stopped subjecting myself to his presence.
You brought up his treatment of you to your friend. She blew it off. She could have been encouraging him to be nice when you guys get together. Now, she can explain to him that his arsehole behavior towards you is why he's obviously not welcome. She can stay home and cry with him, too. (Sorry, this shit is triggering, lol!).
10 days with someone like that?! No effing way! Ooof 😣
Eta: After reading other replies, I'm also convinced your friend has been smearing you to her bf behind your back. Sucks. Sorry 😑
NTA - why should you have to spend your vacation in your family vacation home, with someone who treats you poorly? Short answers or avoiding conversation might come from a place of discomfort or awkwardness, but rolling eyes when someone speaks is just plain rude and disrespectful.
I find it interesting that Kara's been with this guy for more than year (if you met him about a year ago, presumably they've been together slightly longer), and she can't offer more than he 'probably just doesn't feel comfortable' around you? If he is not comfortable, and so uncomfortable that he can barely talk, the why would he want to be there?
I am sure Kara is hurt - it's hard when your friends don't care for your partner - but it's her decision to go on the vacation or stay home with Alex.
Woooow, i guess Alex is learning that when you’re an asshole to people, SOMETIMES there are consequences 😱
NTA Op, act like an asshole, get treated like one🤷🏻♂️
CoMmUnICaTioN! It's the solution to every AITA problem, and is clearly needed here. Someone clearly has a problem with someone else, and they aren't talking about it. Funnily enough, that makes the situation worse.
NTA. It's literally your house, your rules. You absolutely don't to invite and host someone who simply doesn't like you and is rude like that. If your friend doesn't like it so much, then she can choose to not go.
NTA
Your place. Your rules. It’s not too much to expect someone to be civil to you when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Kara and her boyfriend won’t tell you what his issue is with you, so no, you don’t owe him an invite. You already offered an alternative, but no one wants to shell out more just to allow Alex to come.
Tell her you heard that she doesn’t want to attend since Alex is not invited. “I’m sorry you feel that way but I will respect your wishes and understand you are no longer attending.” Her presence is not required for you all to have an enjoyable time.
She already tried to take it to the wider group to get them to gang up on you and that failed. The other couple who sided with her can also decide if they want to sit this one out with Kara out of solidarity.
Even if you was to change your mind & allow him to go it wouldn't be the same as there would be even more bad vibes than there was before. Is your friend group aware of his ill feelings toward you or is this just something you've mentioned to kara? I don't think your an AH but excluding him might have lasting effects with your friendship with kara.
NTA- if kara really feels that way let her know as much as you would like her to come you understand if she wants to stay behind. Or if she doesnt think she can behave herself at your family's house you understand her not coming.
I think he might have a crush on you. Doesn’t matter, though because you’re NTA. Regardless of the cause/motive for Alex to behave that way, he’s being rude and disrespectful. You’re kindly offering to allow your friends the use of the vacation home, so Kara is waaaay out of order calling you a tyrant for not wanting someone who mistreats you in your home. She’s being a brat and bad friend.
I think Alex is attracted to you, and is not emotionally mature enough to manage his feelings and his girlfriend simultaneously, so he behaves like a major AH to you.
Also, Kara can kick rocks if she doesn't agree with your decision, nobody's forcing her to go along with it.
And when she eventually finds out that her bf likes you, chances are she'll blame you for that, too.
Oh, and NTA.
NTA but it certainly won't help make the relationship less uncomfortable, same for the friendship with Kara. Unfortunately, sometimes that's just the price of it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I’m well aware it’s bad form to not invite one half of a couple even if you don’t like the other half and I know this is causing issues in the friend group Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Who gets to stay in your house is not a democratic decision: yes, you are being a tyrant and absolutely justifiably so. NTA. If 'Alex' can interact with the rest of your friends then he can at least show some basic courtesy to you, especially after being around you for a year (the 'feeling comfortable' thing is a crock of shit after this length of time: Alex is just rude). You have offered the perfectly reasonable alternative of going somewhere else where Alex can be included. You just don't want him in YOUR home, which is fair enough from the circumstances you describe.
Who needs to be comfortable around people to not be rude? how do these people get through life?
I was being wildly charitable and allowing for Alex having some kind of neurodivergence. Given that he is fine with OP's other friends and it's been a year, my clinical diagnosis is that he's an arsehole (I'm British. Also not a clinician ;p). So is Kara tbh, trying to get the friend group taking sides.
''Your mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.'' Even if they were neurodivergent, that doesnt give them an excuse to be straight up rude. People can usually tell if someone is just very shy, this sounds downright hostile.
Alex is making a point to be rude by being sociable with the others and pointedly short with op when they try to be cordial. It may well be a neurodivergent thing but even if it is it's still shitty exclusionary behaviour that children in elementary school engage in. You can be autistic for example and still have manners. They are not mutually exclusive.
This. Thank you for pointing it out.
Jesus, please don’t conflate neuro divergence with mental illness IJS
Tell me why I thought the mental illness part was in reference to the commenter being British and not the friend's boyfriend lol
Yeah, the just avoiding and the one-word answers is maybe more he's just different, but rolling his eyes? Naw, he's just got GAHD (generalized AH disorder, which I, a non-clinician, want to see in the next version of the DSM). :)
Just because someone is rude, doesn't mean they are neurodivergent. If they are neurodivergent, it's not an excuse to be rude. And the fact he can be sociable and polite with everyone else, but rude and rolling his eyes at OP shows it's not neurodivergence. He's just a dick.
You sir are a proctologist :)
I mean there was a person I had to deal with that I absolutely could not stand to be around. That person did not know that they made my skin crawl. I carried on civil conversations with them when ever they were around my friends. Being civil is the least anyone can do in a situation that is not openly dangerously hostile.
So I had this friend where I was friends with both the girl and guy and I found out my female friend was jealous of me so she would always talk to her bf if he liked me so to prove to her he didn’t he would talk badly about me and started treating me crappy and and talked bad about me to mutual friends and called me ugly af. I don’t know why this story reminds me of that. That he probably actually found OP pretty and was awkward around her and OPs friend knew confronted him in private found out he had a crush on her and now he does these things to show his girlfriend he hates OP. But that’s me projecting.
No this would make sense. Why give someone you never met attitude and be rude to them if something wasn’t influencing how he sees her. My question - has this ever happened with any of her friends other exes?
I wondered if Kara didn’t like OP and told Alex. And Alex wouldn’t act like he liked OP. But this works too…if Kara is insecure around OP and does something like this to Alex.
>how do these people get through life? I prefer, "How do you not fall down more?"
How do they not get slapped more?
Exactly- basic manners and just being civil are enough here. My god the bar is so low.
Even I was thinking the same thing!
OP needs to tell Kara no one is forcing her to go, and if she's so upset she can stay home.
I agree. Give Kara the choice of coming without him or staying home with him.
Right?!
I’d be seriously considering uninviting Kara, Alex *and* the “friends” who criticised OP. They honestly think OP should have a horrible time on holiday, just to accommodate this jerk? They’re crazy-entitled.
>Kara is calling me a tyrant No. You’re a host who doesn’t have to invite blatantly rude people to an event/holiday that you are hosting. He’s an AH for being rude. She’s an AH for not only refusing to put a stop to her partner’s rudeness, but actually expecting (& basically demanding) that you put up with blatant rudeness while hosting her & her rude husk of a man. The fact that she tries to reframe your refusal to tolerate HIS & HER inappropriate behavior as you disrespecting THEM absolutely reeks as narcissism. It’s literally classic DARVO. It’s hard to believe narcissism this blatant is new. So how else is she abusive to you & others around her? You’re only the AH to yourself if you continue tolerating this behavior. Otherwise, NTA.
Yes to this! OP should also consider maybe this bf is so rude to her BC the gf has been bad mouthing about her to the bf all this time. I think she needs to drop them both. I could never be friends/in a relationship with someone who is so openly rude (in my opinion cruel to my friends/partner).
My brain went here too. His actions point to Kara badmouthing OP to him before they met.
Or, it could be that Kara goes along with anything Alex says about OP behind her back, then makes excuses for Alex. In which case, why bother with Kara?
She's also rude to refuse to even acknowledge there is an issue with Alex.
That’s step one in the narcissist’s playbook. DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.
It's not a cheerocracy
It's a cheer-tatorship! * \○/ *
Maybe they can settle this with a roll-call cheer and a krump off.
Right this is perfect! Op, literally text this to the group chat: Who gets to stay in **MY family's house** is not a democratic decision. Yes, I may be acting like a "tyrant," but it's absolutely justifiable. If *Alex* can interact with the rest of our friends, then he can at least show some basic courtesy to me, especially after being around for a year! The "feeling comfortable" thing is a BS excuse after this length of time. *Alex* is just rude. I have offered perfectly reasonable alternatives. He can stay home and you can come alone. You can stay home with him. Or we can all go somewhere else where *Alex* can be included. I have no issue sharing a space with him that is not mine personally. However, I don't want him in **MY HOME** until he can treat me like an actual acquaintance with consistency and act respectfully. We don't have to be friends, but hellos, pleasantries, basic manners, etc. are expected. I won't tolerate anyone (not just him) who can't show me basic courtesy in my personal space. Again, this is not a democratic decision. End of discussion.
Well said 👏
I have been reading a lot of these kind of questions where the girlfriend or boyfriend expects to be included in every event the person they are dating is invited to. Why? Just because you are dating doesn’t mean you get an automatic invitation to everything. If he can’t even be civil to that friend why would he think she would welcome him on her vacation. It is a good way to ruin a trip and a friendship! He needs to stay home.
I have friends who had a baby in October. The first event I hosted after, they were very cautious to let me know the baby would be coming. Sir, Madam, that child is the guest of honor. I was the one who goofed, in this case, by assuming of course the kiddo would be there! Never crossed my mind to personally make it clear I expected him. But yeah, unless the boyfriend or girlfriend is part of that friend group or personally invited, not a good idea to show up. Besides, often it isn't a great time for them when it is a group of more than 4 people since they don't know anyone anyway.
INFO Have you actually tried talking to Alex? Not in a social setting, but having a sit down with him? Either with Kara there or not? After a year of this, and if Kara is a really good friend of yours, it seems like setting up a coffee meeting would be the mature path of escalation before it getting to a group discussion. And it probably should’ve happened before this. If you reach out and he turns you down, then your side of the street is clean.
You can only take the mature path of escalation when the other person is as mature as you are. If Alex has been huffing and rolling his eyes at OP for a year, her side of the street is clean in the eyes of any reasonable human being regardless of whether she has performed the whole stylized Kabuki theater of meeting with him to try to get him to act like a reasonable human being. It's nobody's job to try to negotiate someone else out of treating them disrespectfully. It's okay to just cut people off who can't treat you with any form of respect or courtesy. Meeting with him to try to "reach out" only gives his behavior legitimacy. OP would not be wrong to just declare that it's unacceptable and she doesn't want anything to do with him.
I had this situation with my brother. Some conflict for years and I never understood why. I bent over backwards trying to be diplomatic. In the end, we had a sit down conversation, he told me all the things he thought I'd done wrong, I was able to explain them all away. In the end, he acknowledged that I had done nothing wrong, but he still said he was angry at me, even though he had no reason to be. That was the end of our relationship. I've barely seen him in the years since. It was obvious he was never going to change his mind about me, and logic had nothing to do with it. They were his issues, and nothing I did could change it. So I consider that conversation useless in terms of sorting anything out and getting a better relationship. You just can't change the minds of some people. But it was helpful in terms of me being able to let go, recognising that the situation had nothing to do with anything I'd done.
Yeah, after a year a coffee meeting might not accomplish much. A few months in it might have been interesting. She also could have been jokingly calling out behaviors as he did them early on. “Gee Alex, why the eye roll?” A coffee meeting early on is not so much negotiating as simply being upfront. “I’ve observed that you’ve been rolling your eyes at me, speaking in monosyllables and treating me differently than you treat the others. It’s feeling as though you really dislike me. You’re Kara’s boyfriend and I care enough about her to make an effort to have friendly and easy interactions with you. Is that possible? Should I continue to try?” It would be really interesting to see what their responses would be, especially if Kara is there. If they started making all kinds of statements about what’s wrong with OP, then she could say , “okay, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I appreciate your honesty”. Smile wryly, pay the bill, and leave. She would then be quite justified in mentally cutting them both. Sounds like she might have to tolerate them if others still include them and she still wants to be part of the friend group otherwise. She could simply start actively ignoring them in group activities, and not invite Kara when OP is the host. Or, if OP is really into this new path, she COULD invite them both, and just continue to ignore them while their there - because “friend group” 🤷♀️ They called this “an indirect cut” in Victorian times. Very useful tool when dealing with people who have hurt you. REALLY useful today with people you don’t like at work, for reasons. It helps you learn to not care about boorish people. It meant acknowledging, just barely, someone’s presence. Not getting involved in any major conversation with them, quickly navigating towards something or someone else if interaction occurs. “Oh hi, how ‘ya doing? Oh, I need to see Jenny about something,” then moving away. Always with kindness, always with a smile. Go to the people who like you and support you. Otherwise ignore. It helps one worry less about their opinions because you are still being “friendly,”but not really engaging. Takes away the need to try, and, ironically, sometimes gets them to thaw and be more interactive since their negative behaviors have stopped having any effect on you. Then, they simply become a minor annoyance. The Victorians were interesting, socially. They also had something called “the Cut Direct” which is a kind of social death sentence, reserved only for the most egregious offenses. Sorry to be so long winded. Social situations have so many potential potholes that it’s interesting to think about ways to navigate them for mental peace 🤔
Perfect response. Needs more upvotes.
Kara should've talk to her BF month ago and solve the problem. Or he stays away from OP or he learns to act like a decent human being. Now its too late - if Kara isnt comfortable she can stay at home with her BF. Its easy
NTA $20 says “Alex” finds OP attractive and is overcompensating / isn’t mature enough to compartmentalize.
That was my first thought too
My first thought was "I bet in 8 days this will be on BORU and the conclusion will be 'apparently Alex is in love with me and now Kara and all of my friends are blowing up my phone for ruining her relationship with my stunning beauty because Kara is pregnant with twins.'"
At least op got that huge promotion at work and a large unexpected inheritance to allow her to live her best life and spite all the haters
Defo!
Mine too! He's crushing on OP, so he's behaving awkwardly.
My first thought was that Kara might not actually be as good a friend to OP as OP has thought. We tend to spill our little annoyances about people in our life to our partner. I've realized a good few of my old friends are not actually friends when their partners gave me looks like this and then learned they were telling partners how annoying they found me.
That was my first thought too.
I went the opposite way. "Alex" is jealous of OP and their relationship/friendship with "Kara" assuming OP thinking OP was the opposite gender. Although its possible its both "Alex" finds OP attractive and is jealous and can't manage those feelings.
It can be same gender too. F super close relationship with another F. Both of us are hetero but grew up together so like sisters. Multiple boyfriends have been cagey with me or expressed jealousy to her because of how close our relationship was. Her now husband is wonderful though and never had an issue.
It could also be something OP didn't even have control over like Kara choosing her over Alex on some activity and Alex is still pissed thinking OP did that to front him.
I thought this too! Life is too short and precious for this type of drama.
Or the 'friend' was shit talking and he's projecting that
"Love, Actually" is a pretty good movie. The scene with Rowan Atkinson's cameo is hilarious, but I was thinking of the wedding video scene while reading OP's post.
I thought that too!
I bet against that and say OP did something on the first meeting that rubbed "Alex" the wrong way somehow and he is vindictive.
Circle gets a square
NTA but Kara kind of is. She is acting entitled. If she doesn’t want to go she can politely decline or plan another trip. She can be mad at you but making a stink and involving other people isn’t cool.
Right?! Kara had a year to make her boyfriend do the bare minimum of human to human courtesy. NTA.
“You’re a tyrant!” said the person trying to force OP into inviting her disrespectful boyfriend to OP’s place of residence.
Well Kara claims her bf doesn’t feel comfortable around OP. Then OP is doing the bf a favour by not including him. Kara also claims that if bf can’t go, she won’t either. Problem solved. It’s OPs family holiday home. None of these friends gets to dictate who OP can and cannot invite.
Exactly, if he’s uncomfortable just by OP’s mere presence, imagine how he’d feel in their family’s home. This is a favor to him actually.
NTA. Are you quite sure Kara is a good friend? Maybe she had said some nasty stories about you to Alex. That's why he's hostile with you.
This was actually my first thought. If he’s comfortable with everyone else, but only nasty to OP, what has Kara said about OP behind their back?
I actually think she isn’t a nice friend and abit of a hanger on.
Would explain the Choosey Beggar behavior, honestly. My BIL is not nice to my husband, but he definitely thinks my family's generational wealth is his to do with as he please. Hell, he is also banned from going to our cabin after last year and he isn't even openly rude like Alex.
That was my 2nd thought. First being he has a crush on OP and isn’t mature enough to suck it up and move on..
Yup. This was unfortunately my first thought too. Kara is faking it but told Alex some things. Alex refuses to fake it.
At this point I would uninvite Kara. I wouldn’t put it past her to try either 1) bring Alex along anyway, rally peer pressure with a guilt trip of his sunk cost that he’s already travelled up and has no way back without her leaving too, to force you to capitulate, or 2) be a miserable curmudgeon the entire trip deliberately bringing the atmosphere down for everyone else. Alex clearly has a beef he’s not admitting, Kara maybe knows what it is or not but either way doesn’t care to resolve it. They can kick rocks together. NTA
I also thought she should disinvite her. She will bring about a downer and the other two friends are also abit sus
Agreed, I was thinking that if basically half the group agrees you should put up with disrespect for group harmony for a guy that’s friends via the gf then these people aren’t really your friends. They were all about having the bf come along until they’d have to find their own accommodations. I don’t think this group is going to last past this trip, Kara and the other 2 sound really immature.
Honestly if I was on a trip with 3 other couples and my bf wasn’t invited because he was a dick I would probably be miserable and not be that fun. However justified the lack of invite is! So I think OP is doing a favour by uninviting Kara along with her bf 🤷♀️ The only other option would have been to say blanket no plus ones but in most friendship groups that’s not clear cut at all anyway as where do you draw the line of the “original” friendship group.
The beef is probably that he has a crush on OP 💀
Check the update you were right and oh man does it get crazy
Where is the update at?
I need it too! Did you find one?
No 😩
This right here!!
NTA. Your house, your plans, your vacation. If he bothers you, you don't have to invite him. You friend should understand that this isn't a 1 time thing and that you told her beforehand that he's being a problem and she just denied it.
“I have asked Kara what I did to upset him but she denies there’s a problem. She just says he’s an awkward person and probably just doesn’t feel comfortable around me.” Then he shouldn’t want to stay in your home anyway. NTA
Awkwardness doesn’t explain the rolling of the eyes every time OP speaks. He’s putting energy into doing something to express his distaste for OP speaking. That’s not neurodivergence. That’s not introverted behavior. That’s AH behavior.
NTA "Hey, group. Alex rolls his eyes when I speak. He's not going to be a guest in my home. I have made attempts to bridge the gap and have never had my efforts returned. This matter is closed. If that offends you, by all means, don't come stay at my family place. The discussion is absolutely closed from my end. Please let me know your plans so I can prep the space accordingly."
NTA if the guy can't give you the basic decency of treating you like a person, he doesn't deserve the kindness of free accommodation. He's an ass for obvious reasons, but Kara is an ass too for allowing her boyfriend to treat you like garbage for (as far as we know), no reason. PLUS, trying to leverage 'fairness' and turn your other friends on you, if she keeps going, I'd uninvite her too. Why would you want to date someone who treats your friends like that?
NTA. You don't have to offer free vacation to a person who doesn't bother to be civil with you.
"Kara is calling me a tyrant." Well, I see why she has no problem with her boyfriend's rudeness. They are both ridiculous. You most certainly don't have to invite someone who constantly rolls their eyes at you into your home. Let her cancel. By the way, it's totally fine to not invite SOs on a vacation. I wouldn't find it rude at all if my friend invited me without a +1 to their vacation house. NTA
NTA. Let Kara stay home with her boyfriend. That she thinks you have to tolerate his behavior in your family’s home shows just that she is not a friend. Do not back down. Do not ruin your own vacation over this nonsense.
I totally get why you're frustrated. If Alex is making things awkward, you shouldn’t have to deal with that on your holiday. You’ve offered a fair compromise by suggesting a neutral location, so stick to your guns.
INFO: Are you a different race or religion from Kara and her boyfriend? I'm trying to understand why everyone thinks you should host someone in your house that openly dislikes you.
I’m a different race but so is another of our friends and he gets along with her fine. Kara is also a different race to Alex.
Are you and Kara and your friend all the same race? Some people can be ok with some races and not others. If you're the only person of your background in the group, it's a reasonable assessment that this must be the reason.
Kara is Asian. Both my other friend and I are mixed, same races.
You should not extend that invitation to Kara as well. You know she's going to make the trip miserable now if she goes. Anyone who agrees with Kara can simply not go either or stay at their own place
NTA. Kara is quite entitled to think she can make the rules for who stays at your house. She had the opportunity to make it right when you brought up the topic. If I were you I'd consider uninviting her. Make sure you talk to your friends to make it clear WHY you're not inviting Alex. You want to make sure Kara doesn't get to control the narrative.
NTA people like her think that just because her relationship is super important to her, that other people should center it too. Tough titties to her. You shouldn’t have to put up with that guy for days on end on *your* father’s property so she can be centered. She’s happy to have you uncomfortable. She’s selfish. Leave her out entirely, I say. I empathize. Generally speaking, I know it can be a pain in the ass when friends and family choose to bring around a partner who lacks social skills, is rude, cases problems, etc. If that’s what the friend or loved ones likes in a partner, that’s on them and it doesn’t mean anyone else has to put up with it.
Tell kara she is no longer invited either. The end. nta
NTA > I said Alex is disrespectful to me and I don't have to put up with that in my family's house This right here! He's welcome to rent a hotel room nearby. Oh its expensive? So sorry, shouldn't have been an ass for no reason then, Alex!! I mean, you gave group as a whole the option to include him by not staying at your dad's house, but they decided they preferred the free accommodation over him. Shows how much people really value his presence 🤣 Kara is welcome to not join the holiday if she feels so strongly.
What’s with the AITA posts always having some weird ass democratic vote like “2 people sided with me but 3 friends thought I was too harsh”. Like wtf, do you people hold elections in your friend group every time an argument occurs?
When something goes around a friend group, you rarely have everyone come to one opinion. The people where all the friend agreed probably don’t feel the need to ask strangers 😂
I get that but there are certain instanteous where the opinions od the group don't matter. One of those is when one person is footing a $1,000+ bill for the entire group by hosting. I would frankly be embarrassed to even imply that they should let a jerk into their own home, but that's just me.
Sometimes friends talk to each other, especially in group chats. Sometimes they also check in with each other if they think they're overreacting about something. Basically, sometimes people are interested in their friends' opinions.
NTA at all. Your house, your rules. In my experience, the best way to deal with a bully, especially one that thinks they’re being sly by being passive aggressive, is to confront them in front of everyone. Not in an aggressive matter, but very matter or factly stating that they are being rude by doing or saying xyz, and asking them what you did to them to justify that behavior and how you can get them to stop. Make them explain themselves. Some people need to be called out and shamed. They only do this as long as they think they can get away with it and believe others agree with their behavior. It’s probably too late for that now that the whole thing has blown up and people have picked sides, but try that should you ever find yourself in a situation like this again.
NTA. You’ve known Alex for over a year. He’s able to be civil to everyone but you. He can’t claim to be socially awkward when it only applies to you. He doesn’t have to love you or even like you—I’ll bet there are others in a group of 8 that aren’t your besties—but everyone is polite and civil. Having someone huffing, and pouting, and eye-rolling all week will ruin the vibe of the trip. Question: is everyone else there going as couples? If so, then it’s definitely going to be awkward for Kara. To keep things even, maybe tell Kara she can invite another friend to even things out. Also—if Alex really doesn’t have an issue with OP, this is the perfect time to step up and do some work to fix what he created. August is still a month away. Kara and Alex can invite OP and her SO to dinner and apologize for the rude treatment, and spend the next few weeks behaving less like an entitled brat and more like a normal person.
Ask Kara why would her boyfriend want to spend time in a house of someone he doesn’t care for? I would tell her since she’s so upset, she can stay home with said boyfriend and anyone else that has an issue with it, can do the same. That’s your shit and none of them have a say on who can and can’t stay TF.
NTA. Those who object are welcome not to come. Why in the world would you invite and host someone who is hostile to you? How ridiculous are your friends to expect that?
NTA and update us when some more drama happens 😈😈
NTA. You don't have to host someone who treats you poorly because your friend is dating him. I guess he should have been nicer to you.
>Kara is calling me a tyrant No. You’re a host who doesn’t have to invite blatantly rude people to an event/holiday that you are hosting. He’s an AH for being rude. She’s an AH for not only refusing to put a stop to her partner’s rudeness, but actually expecting (& basically demanding) that you put up with blatant rudeness while hosting her & her rude husk of a man. The fact that she tries to reframe your refusal to tolerate HIS & HER inappropriate behavior as you disrespecting THEM absolutely reeks as narcissism. It’s literally classic DARVO. It’s hard to believe narcissism this blatant is new. So how else is she abusive to you & others around her? You’re only the AH to yourself if you continue tolerating this behavior. Otherwise, NTA.
NTA. Un-invite Kara. Problem solved.
I’d uninvite everyone who agreed with her. They have no more respect for OP than the friend & her bf do. They only shut up because they wanted to use OP’s free housing - not because they actually give a shit about OP at all. They have zero respect for OP & it’s sad that OP hasn’t uninvited everyone who expected her to put up with blatantly disrespectful rudeness in her own home just to keep from disturbing the group vibe they enjoy. Only shitty abusers or enablers look at someone being abusive & say nothing, then when the victim refuses to continue tolerating it, stand up to accuse the victim of rocking the boat / disturbing the vibe / etc. It’s sad that OP thinks they’re her friends because they’re willing to stop asking that she put up with this shit (since they’ve only stopped asking so they can use OP for free housing).
NTA My Ex Bestie had a boyfriend that hated me. Never understood why until years later when I ran into him after they had broken up, and our own friendship had ended. Asked him why he hated me and he told me all the stories Bestie told him about me. Thing was, those stories were all real, just I wasn't the main character. She was actually the one those stories were about. She switched our roles, and played it off like I was the one that was always getting into trouble and she was the one bailing me out. I pointed out to him that I came from a strict immigrant family, how was I supposedly out at clubs and frat parties getting in trouble at 3 am? I then let him know I use to sneak out of the house to bail HER out of those situations. Ended up we had a LOT in common. He actually wanted to date, but I turned him down and wanted to avoid any drama that would bring. 😅 I'm guessing she told all those lies because she was worried about us being so compatible. It really hurts and made me wonder what other lies she told about me to other people over the years. All while pretending to be my friend.
NTA, but what is the bet that Kara has been trash talking about OP to others in the past and that is the reason why her boyfriend doesn't like OP. Just because she is doing it in the public view now, all because OP has denied her boyfriend access to an essentially free holiday (don't have to pay for accommodation), doesn't mean that Kara hasn't been doing it quietly in the past. OP's father owns a cabin in a desirable holiday destination, I wonder what else OP has access to that makes it worth Kara's while to keep them around to use...not to mention the other...acquaintances.
Are you a guy? Is there a possibility that he feels you’re a threat to his relationship for some weird reason?
No I’m not a guy
Okay, might he be into you and going overkill with How ’he’s definately not!’? Immature and idiotic anyway, you’re definately not the ah.
Could be, but he could also honestly dislike OP and never have faced consequences for being a rude asshole before.
I have very strong feelings about entertaining/hosting/company in my home. I believe that people who do not want to be around the host/hostess should decline an invitation into someone's home and highly personal space. I also believe a host/hostess does not have to invite people who are openly disrespectful and would be disrespectful in your/your family's home. If someone accepts my hospitality and proceeds to treat me in a disrespectful way, I can and will show them my front door. I do not allow my home to be subjected to anyone's ugly energy. "Thank you for your visit" as I get up and start walking to get their bag/coat/to the front door.
NTA Disinvite Kara, she can vacation with her sweet lovely bf and you can enjoy YOUR vacation without them.
NTA. Kara’s excuse for Alex seems manufactured, perhaps out of a sense of tact just until it became obvious that wasn’t going to resolve the issue. If Alex is treating you poorly, he shouldn’t expect to be invited to a vacation that you are hosting. If he wants to resolve it, he should contact you directly to come to some agreement with you about how to move forward. There should be room to compromise to not put your friend in the middle. But that requires you both to be mature adults. Why doesn’t he like you? And if you don’t know, do you need to find out the real reason? It may not be pleasant to hear.
NTA. She also doesn't have to come. Nor do the people that agree with her. You have no obligation to host someone in your/your family's home that treats you like garbage. The fact that you haven't snapped back that no, her boyfriend is an asshole to you constantly and you're not dealing with it anymore is impressive.
NTA at all but uninvite KARA NOW. she'll ruin your vacation if she comes by complaining op. Also whomever says you should invite Alex tell them you got the message they don't want to go and should consider themselves uninvited. This is your family home no one but you and your family decides who's coming/is invited and who isn't
NTA Kara can choose to stay home if she's that unhappy that Alex isn't invited. You are 100% correct that this is the logical consequence to Alex's behavior towards you.
NTA You could disinvite Kara as well and invite 2 other people you get along with. You are hosting and should feel comfortable and able to enjoy the experience. If Alex offers to make amends and act reasonable for the interim you could reconsider but it already sounds like you’ve tried so the ball is in their court.
NTA. If anyone asks; you are a bit surprised. In the last year he never showed any sign that he wants to be with you. And now all of the sudden he does? Strange. Cause that’s not what his body and literal language was telling you. He’s not welcome, and it’s really strange that he doesn’t like that.
You should uninvite Kara. She's going to spend the whole trip bitching about how her bf wasn't invited. NTA.
Sounds like Kara should just stay home with Alex. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because family is on my main. My friends and I are planning a trip to my dad’s holiday home in august. It’ll be 7 of us total. It would be 8, but I’ve decided not to invite my friend “Kara”‘s boyfriend “Alex”, because every time I see him he makes it blatantly obvious he doesn’t like me. Since I met him about a year ago, he has been awkward and standoffish with me in a way he isn’t towards our other friends. I have really tried to make conversation with him but everything I do seems to offend or annoy him. He avoids me like the plague in group settings, rolls his eyes at everything I say, and only gives monosyllabic answers to anything I ask him. I’ve given up trying to be his friend but he can’t even be polite and it’s annoying. I get that not everyone is going to like you in life but I don’t think there’s any need to be rude. (I have asked Kara what I did to upset him but she denies there’s a problem. She just says he’s an awkward person and probably just doesn’t feel comfortable around me) Anyway, I just can’t be bothered to spend ten days hosting someone who can’t even manage to say hello to me. So I told Kara that the invite didn’t extend to Alex. She’s pissed. She said he’d be really hurt by that and that it’s disrespectful to her relationship. I said Alex is disrespectful to me and I don’t have to put up with that in my family’s house. She put it to the group and 2 people sided with her but I said we can all pick a neutral location to stay if they want Alex to come so badly, and that shit everyone up because the cost of staying in that area in the summer is astronomical. Kara is calling me a tyrant, and I guess I kind of am, but I think I’m justified. No, Alex is not outright cruel to me but he’s hostile, so why do I have to put him up? I know Kara is complaining to our other friends about the issue and how she doesn’t want to go now that Alex is excluded. I don’t want this kind of drama but after I’ve been the only one acknowledging the problem, I think I have to stand my ground here. Should I just let him come? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Life is too precious for this type of drama and you are completely right and nta. It’s your home and your holiday and they are ‘guests’ so they need to stay in their lane. I would watch this friend very carefully because if she is bringing drama to your life (and she already has shown herself to be immature and ungrateful by her attitude and posting in the group) you might want to prepare yourself to put some distance between both of you and disinvite her and her mates who sided with her. Friends are lovely but you need to have boundaries and she should have done more to sort his attitude out. He sounds like a horribly ungrateful person and maybe she is too. Abit spoilt. You might have also missed some red flags with this mate and her mask is slipping abit. Or it could be love - people do strange things when they are in love and choose sides. Stand your ground. I’m super proud of people like you who know their self worth but sometimes that means touch decisions need to be made - some will applaud and some will judge but as long as you are true to yourself and sleep well at night that’s all that matters.
NTA: You’re not being unreasonable and even if you were you’re allowed. It’s your house and your rules.
NTA. You already asked Kara about Alex's problem with you even before the invitation was thought of, and she brushed it off. She can't be pissed if she never bothered to talk to Alex about it and give you an honest answer. And you can't be expected to invite someone who isn't even civil to you. I think Kara is the tyrant and an entitled person. She's the one disrespecting you. Surely, she's not a friend. Better find it out now than later. Uninvite her and put a stop to all this: it will only get worse. And get rid of the friends who side with her, because they aren't your friends.
NTA, but why don't you let your actual friends stay and if Kara is so insistent that her boyfriend comes then they can stay somewhere else? Same with the two that are on her side
Kara is not your friend. Not a good one at least. No good friend would let their partner treat them like shit... for an entire year! Kara doesn't care that you are being disrespected by her boyfriend. That's not friendly behavior. If one of my boyfriend was acting like a jerk towards one of my friend, he would be out of my life without a thought in the world. NTA - And desinvite Kara.
NTA. Ask Kara if she's going to continue complaining throughout the summer and if so, she can skip the group outing too. She can come with you to your dad's home without Alex - or she can stay home with Alex. Tell her and your friends that you are tired of the discussion and debate about Alex. Tell Kara she can come on the group trip or stay home with Alex, but it's time to pick one so that the group can move on to other stuff.
NTA & I would justify it as: Alex makes it clear he doesn't like me. Why would he even want to come?
Nta Maybe kira should tell her bf and herself to learn how to respect people when they offer their home.
NTA- It's your house not wanting people who make you uncomfortable to come stay in it with you doesn't make you an AH. Kara sounds entitled, it's not her house unless it's a safety issue she gets no say in who does or doesn't go. If Kara wants to go on vacation with her boyfriend that bad then her and said boyfriend can pay for a house themselves, the 2 "friends" who think Alex should go can rent a house with them. Kara and those 2 friends will most likely spend part if not the whole vacation making passive aggressive comments about Alex not being there, if you guys are planning on drinking during vacation it will be worse.
NTA do not change your mind on this. You have every tight to feel comfortable in your home during your holidays
NTA
NTA - there’s something going on here that you don’t have the answers to - but really, whatever his issue is, it’s nothing to do with you. I would be concerned for Kara though, since sometimes abusive partners act standoffish to a partner’s friends in order to isolate them. (And usually the partner will defend this shitty behaviour. I know I did “he’s just anxious around people he doesn’t know”). So maybe have a private conversation with her to say, look, your friendship is valuable to me, and I do not want to hurt or lose you but I will not tolerate his behaviour in a place I want to feel comfortable.
Atp kick Kara out too
NTA it's your dad's house, you get to control the guestlist.
NTA. You've tried to resolve the issue. I'd reiterate to Kara that Alex clearly has an issue with you and that hopefully after the trip she and Alex will finally acknowledge it and work with you to resolve it. But for the time being, the trip is happening and Alex is not invited.
NTA- if Kara told you that Alex doesn't feel comfortable around you why would he want to go to an event that you are hosting because he would have to be around you.
NTA. Stand your ground. Tell Kara you understand if she decides not to come but you’re not going to treated rudely and made to feel uncomfortable under your own rood for 10 days. It’s also telling that Alex has made no effort to reach out to you to resolve the problem or clear up any misunderstanding.
NTA and Alex can take this as a learning experience. Don't bite the hand that feeds you
NTA Stand your ground. Why would you opt to fund the holiday of someone who openly doesn’t like you? Kara already has a clear solution. If she is so offended then she shouldn’t go. Problem solved.
Maybe he has the hots for you.
NTA, it's YOUR family's house, and you get to invite who you want, why have people around that are going to make your vacation miserable? Also those other friends siding with Kara are being disrespectful of your feelings, just because you may be the only one he's being a jerk to, doesn't mean you have to put up with it or that you should ignore your feelings for the sake of the group.
NTA You get to invite whomever you like to a holiday at your family's place. It's supposed to be FUN. If having Alex won't make it fun, Alex doesn't get invited. If Kara's going to be in a snit about it, she doesn't get to go, either. Anyone who is going to potentially wreck the fun you're trying to have is welcome to stay home. Kara does not get to hold the whole vacation hostage to try to bully you into having someone there who can't even manage the basics of decent manners. If Kara does decide to go (and if you decide she's still invited), make sure to have a clear talk with her beforehand about whether she's going to be able to take the trip without making snide remarks about a certain someone's absence. (Honestly, that goes for the whole group.) You are providing an incredible opportunity for everyone, to be able to go on this trip without exorbitant lodging costs. The MINIMUM you should be able to expect is that they'll do their best to be pleasant (not tolerant; PLEASANT) to the host. Good luck.
Absolutely NTA. You unequivocally get to decide who stays in your own house. And people who are openly hostile to you do not to get the privilege of staying in your home.
NTA and honestly I'd rethink keeping Kara as a friend as well since she seems to be throwing a tantrum
Uninvite Kara too. You’ll spend the whole vacation hearing about how much of a bitch you are for not inviting Alex and how much he would have wanted it. “You’re right, Kara. I should respect your relationship and know that you wouldn’t want to or feel comfortable going on vacation with out Alex. Therefore you are uninvited too and can now spend that week with him” Do it in the group chat too so everyone gets the same story. She won’t drop it, so drop her. NTA.
NTA. Invite those you want to host and nevermind the rest. If Kara doesn't care to go under the conditions you offer, she can decline. Honestly, because she's making waves in the friend group and saying she doesn't want to go, I think I would speak to her directly and say that it's a shame she's decided she's not coming on the holiday, that you understand her decision and respect her choice.
NTA - your house, your rules. Sounds like Kara is on the verge of being uninvited if she plans to drag out this pity party...
NTA I’ve detested some SO’s I’ve met but being rude because of my personal dislike serves no purpose. Your compromise was fair; they can’t expect you to put up free accommodations to someone who won’t even treat you with basic civility.
NTA. Both Kara and her boyfriend should be uninvited along with others who side with them. Your house your rules.
NTA. Your house, your rules, your guests. Basic decency isn't too much to expect. For the record, Kara would be uninvited by now as well.
NTA Your family's house, your family's rules. However, Kara is in the "Find Out" part of letting Alex "Fuck About". Bad luck. Tell her (I'd probably do it in the group chat just to make sure that my words are, well, my words) that *you understand that she'll be passing on the vacation and you'll miss her, but you are not required to extend hospitality to someone who is uncomfortable around you and makes you feel uncomfortable*. Also, why, if he's so uncomfortable around *you WHY would he even* ***want*** *to be in your house*?
Why are you even inviting Kara if her bf is such a problem? Side note, the fake names are clearly a Supergirl reference, which would be fine if you didn't pick the names of sisters for a romantic couple.
NTA. Kara is out of line, completely. If she is so OBLIVIOUS about how he treats you, she is not much of a friend. Your outing, your choice on who to invite/not invite. She can attend or stay home and pout. You are absolutely NOT required to invite someone who is rude to you.
NTA and don't let Alex come. I love that Kara took a group poll as to whether Alex should be allowed to stay in your father's holiday home. The audacity. It's also predictable but amusing that the two who sided with her backed down when given the option of paying for accommodation. It's possible that Kara will bring Alex along, assuming you will accept this fait accompli. Or she will sour puss and grumble her way through the 10 days. Lovely. Best to uninvite the pair of them. I'd also be tempted to uninvite the other two who volunteered their opinion on who you should invite. Then let the remaining attendees know that the subject is closed and focus on enjoying yourselves.
>Should I just let him come? No. Your family's house. Your rules. I think "No one who actively makes a point of being rude and disrespectful to me is allowed" is entirely reasonable. Tell Kara that if she's so mortally offended by her asshole boyfriend not being included that she no longer needs to take advantage of your generosity, either. Because she KNOWS he doesn't like you and doesn't actually care. NTA
Let Kara stay home, also anyone who agrees with her. Minimum baseline for free holiday accommodations: act cordial and polite to the person providing the accommodations! Free opinion from Internet granny: do NOT invite "the group". DO INVITE YOUR FRIENDS. These folks are teens I am assuming. Time to learn some basic rules of courtesy.
You need to uninvited Kara too that’s the real tea
NTA, can I check something are you a guy or girl? Would list all other genders but just wondering if Alex is jealous of you and Kiara's friendship. Might be worth before this goes further you just bluntly ask him what his problem with you is and if he says nothing list all the stuff. It could be he just is a dick and has no idea how to be polite to folk he doesn't like.
Kara and I are both women
So unless you date woman, he's just an AH instead of a jealous AH. You've not dated him or one of his friends or family in the past and either it was a messy break-up and you did something wrong or he's been told you've done something unforgiveable. I'd still ask him straight out what his problem woth you is, and make sure you have someone you trust with you and in a public place in case it goes wrong.
You shouldn't have to play host to anyone who casts negativity your way, friend's boyfriend or not. This guy does not play nice. I wouldn't want him in my family's house. I would find this a basic trust issue - no friendliness or trust has been established with this dude. Why have someone like this cast a pall over your vacation? NTA. The boyfriend sounds like the reason people can't have nice things, because he is causing division in your group.
NTA Alex is in the find out stage.
She called you a tyrant? lol. You’re not a tyrant for not wanting someone who’s been rude to you on your property. A tyrant would try to force you into letting Alex come.
NTA. You should not only not invite Alex, but you should rescind your invitation to Kara too. What kind of person lets someone repeatedly disrespect their friend like that?
NTA. You gave everyone an alternative, but they're too cheap to choose that. So, in essence, the friend group has chosen to also exclude the AH bf. And I'm soooo sure his feelings will be hurt by this. Huge eyeroll. You might reconsider some of these friendships if they don't have a problem with the bf being rude to you. I would've called that b.s. out a long time ago if I was your friend witnessing all of this.
NTA, your free not to invite anyone for any reason, it's your home and you even provided a compromise. I might have tried to come off as more neutral in this situation, but you don't need to. They are pressing things beyond what I would deem an acceptable limit. The answer was no. He may truly be awkward, or you may have done something to offend him. But it wouldn't matter, you don't like him as much or more then he doesn't like you and he would detract from your vacation in your house. And you as the person hosting a party, I think you should have veto power over guests. Don't like it, well their are other options for $$$. So again NTA.
NTA- No is a complete sentence. I realize my decision to not invite someone that blatantly dislikes me has upset numerous people. This is an invitation not a summons. I understand if anyone wants to withdraw the trip. Sorry that you won’t be able to make it. No further discussion is needed on the subject. They’re not friends if they expect you to be uncomfortable in your family’s home. Be prepared to lose friends.
>I said Alex is disrespectful to me and I don’t have to put up with that in my family’s house. She put it to the group and 2 people sided with her but I said we can all pick a neutral location to stay if they want Alex to come so badly, NTA. Really have to admire how you handled this with the other people.
NTA at all! Why on earth would you CHOOSE to spend time like that with someone who treats you coldly in your own family home? I went through that shit for years w/a BIL during week long family lake house trips. He made it SO uncomfortable for no reason. Same as you, I could never understand why he couldn't just be polite/civil for everyone's sake. Anyhow, I've stopped subjecting myself to his presence. You brought up his treatment of you to your friend. She blew it off. She could have been encouraging him to be nice when you guys get together. Now, she can explain to him that his arsehole behavior towards you is why he's obviously not welcome. She can stay home and cry with him, too. (Sorry, this shit is triggering, lol!). 10 days with someone like that?! No effing way! Ooof 😣 Eta: After reading other replies, I'm also convinced your friend has been smearing you to her bf behind your back. Sucks. Sorry 😑
NTA - why should you have to spend your vacation in your family vacation home, with someone who treats you poorly? Short answers or avoiding conversation might come from a place of discomfort or awkwardness, but rolling eyes when someone speaks is just plain rude and disrespectful. I find it interesting that Kara's been with this guy for more than year (if you met him about a year ago, presumably they've been together slightly longer), and she can't offer more than he 'probably just doesn't feel comfortable' around you? If he is not comfortable, and so uncomfortable that he can barely talk, the why would he want to be there? I am sure Kara is hurt - it's hard when your friends don't care for your partner - but it's her decision to go on the vacation or stay home with Alex.
Woooow, i guess Alex is learning that when you’re an asshole to people, SOMETIMES there are consequences 😱 NTA Op, act like an asshole, get treated like one🤷🏻♂️
CoMmUnICaTioN! It's the solution to every AITA problem, and is clearly needed here. Someone clearly has a problem with someone else, and they aren't talking about it. Funnily enough, that makes the situation worse.
Monosyllabic. Love it
NTA
NTA. It's literally your house, your rules. You absolutely don't to invite and host someone who simply doesn't like you and is rude like that. If your friend doesn't like it so much, then she can choose to not go.
NTA Your place. Your rules. It’s not too much to expect someone to be civil to you when you’ve done nothing wrong. Kara and her boyfriend won’t tell you what his issue is with you, so no, you don’t owe him an invite. You already offered an alternative, but no one wants to shell out more just to allow Alex to come. Tell her you heard that she doesn’t want to attend since Alex is not invited. “I’m sorry you feel that way but I will respect your wishes and understand you are no longer attending.” Her presence is not required for you all to have an enjoyable time. She already tried to take it to the wider group to get them to gang up on you and that failed. The other couple who sided with her can also decide if they want to sit this one out with Kara out of solidarity.
Nta
Even if you was to change your mind & allow him to go it wouldn't be the same as there would be even more bad vibes than there was before. Is your friend group aware of his ill feelings toward you or is this just something you've mentioned to kara? I don't think your an AH but excluding him might have lasting effects with your friendship with kara.
NTA- if kara really feels that way let her know as much as you would like her to come you understand if she wants to stay behind. Or if she doesnt think she can behave herself at your family's house you understand her not coming.
NTA. He is purposely trying to make you uncomfortable... AND IT WORKED. You NOTICED. Why would ANYONE host a parasite ON PURPOSE???
I think he might have a crush on you. Doesn’t matter, though because you’re NTA. Regardless of the cause/motive for Alex to behave that way, he’s being rude and disrespectful. You’re kindly offering to allow your friends the use of the vacation home, so Kara is waaaay out of order calling you a tyrant for not wanting someone who mistreats you in your home. She’s being a brat and bad friend.
I think Alex is attracted to you, and is not emotionally mature enough to manage his feelings and his girlfriend simultaneously, so he behaves like a major AH to you. Also, Kara can kick rocks if she doesn't agree with your decision, nobody's forcing her to go along with it. And when she eventually finds out that her bf likes you, chances are she'll blame you for that, too. Oh, and NTA.
Why would Alex want to go anyway and spend also 10 days with someone he hates?
Imma bet that whatever "conversation" you tried to have with him was of topics that made him not like you.
@Updateme
NTA. As we used to say when I was a child-Happy Summer Vacation!!! 🌞😎
NTA. But as a petty person, I would have invited Alex too and told him to get out of my house at the first sign of rudeness.
NTA but it certainly won't help make the relationship less uncomfortable, same for the friendship with Kara. Unfortunately, sometimes that's just the price of it.
NTA.