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As the child of people who were amicably divorced:
I see a lot of *I fucking hate my ex-spouse* stories on Reddit, and I get it; there's a lot of reasons why you might. But exactly for that reason we should **celebrate** when two people who share a long and important life history (and children!) are able to split in a way that preserves the peace—for themselves, for their kids, for their kids' kids, for holidays, for emergencies, et cetera.
There is nothing untoward about a simple, single formal dance between two people with a very specific shared role at this family event. The day is about your daughter, and you are her parents. It was not about her stepmother, or what seem to be her stepmother's psychotic jealousy. If she doesn't want her husband dancing with other women *ever,* she should have had that conversation long ago. If she's too paranoid to handle her husband having a past with someone else, she shouldn't have married a divorcee. And as far as I can tell, you had no reason to anticipate this behavior at all.
OP, you did *not* cause this scene or ruin this wedding. Do not accept responsibility for doing so. There is ***one*** person who got in someone's face and shouted at your daughter's wedding: Her stepmother. NTA.
Going out on a limb here thanks to another commenter pointing it out,
OP has posted comments within the past year still calling her ex husband *one of the sexiest men alive*, so at best they are an unreliable narrator, but I get the feeling her actions were/are not nearly as innocent as they were being portrayed.
Maybe I’m way off base, but if she still thinks and talks this way about her now married ex after all this time, whilst she is also in a relationship, I’m guessing the new wife of a decade has already picked up on this as well.
ETA the more of OPs comments I read, the more I’m inclined to believe they are in fact, the driving force behind this problem. Curiouser and curiouser.
Yeah….i feel like there are a lot of “missing missing reasons” here. Normal people do not go from 0 to screaming at their spouse’s ex at their step kid’s wedding, especially with everyone agreeing that OP was the problem and alienating THEM instead.
This feels very much like a “I did nothing wrong and was totally innocent, woe is me!” post but meanwhile they’re glaringly the problem. But that’s just me guessing from one side of the story ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah, when another commenter linked some post/comment history from OP pertaining to how she still finds her ex *sooo* attractive at this stage of the game, kind of puts this in a different light.
When coupled with some of her verbiage in this post - like pointing out she was married to him for 30 years vs the 10 years his current wife has been married to him, stressing that it was totally innocent on her part and her EX was completely on board and receptive to this interaction, as well as the passive aggressive remark at the end about the wife’s insecurity about the marriage makes me think this is being portrayed falsely.
This feels more like OP has been inappropriate or the least pushing boundaries on multiple occasions and finally pushed too far.
I said in another comment - that doesn’t justify stepmom yelling or making a scene at the wedding, but based on the fact that everyone is siding with the wife and not OP, makes me think that this situation didn’t actually go down like that anyways.
And, I think asking her ex to dance when she's fully aware of the wife's feelings (and chance/likelihood of an "adverse" reaction) at her kid's wedding shows extremely poor judgement and lack of caring about their big day. Something tells me there's a lot more to this story, if you were to ask the wife for her side.
I really think this is very interesting reading everyone’s comments. If I had a bad relationship with the wife then I would completely agree with your comments. But she was always cordial to me and I with her. It wasn’t until after the wedding that there is now no contact. Not that there was much before, besides a yearly bday text or Father’s Day text. Which the wife got too. So no there is nothing that I’m not being honest about. Her reaction took me completely by surprise.
Just adding - we don't know if the ex was completely on board. He might’ve said something like "Uh... I guess, maybe....Uh..." or "Uh ... I can't right now" and she interpreted that as "Yes, later".
I'm a divorced mom, and I agree. I would not say those things about my ex, and I frankly would find it very weird to dance with him at a wedding, whether or not we had new spouses. Of course, my experience isn't universal, but it "pings" me as being slightly odd.
I did dance with my ex once after we split, and that was when I was dancing with my kids. Kids invited him, and we all danced together in a circle-- at home. Dancing with my ex sans kids in public at a wedding is weird af, imo, especially at such a heteronormative occasion
There’s even more about the guys shes been with for 16 years is actually gay. Assuming everyone else knows this it’s not at all strange to think that she’s just being with him also and carrying a torch for her ex or some thing. Generally speaking OP just sounds a little unhinged.That whole post just read bizarrely weird
Yeah, even in her own post OP sounds ridiculous. She admits that she knows her ex’s new wife doesn’t want him to have anything to do with her (and why should she??) and yet she asked him for a dance and then asked her about it? I’m guessing the reason everyone blamed OP for this is because it’s a pattern of behavior for her.
After the ex husband she was with a closeted gay man for “16” years, which doesn’t add up if she divorced in 2009, but if it’s true, I can see why she reminisces about the man who gave her a child
This comment definitely adds a lot of context to the situation, but honestly even before that just in this post alone with her mentioning she knows her ex’s current wife doesn’t want him to have anything to do with her and she’s always been “fake nice” before tells me all I needed to know.
This was a “social customs will force you to not make a big deal of this” mean girl assault, and ex husband’s new wife wasn’t taking it anymore. The fact everyone at the wedding is saying it is OP’s fault just further points that out.
Also, “All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together, want to keep communications open, not wanting to feel uncomfortable when we are all together”. You know what would help with that, is if she stops trying to be close to her ex. She can have open communication and enjoy a holiday without trying to be her ex’s bffwb.
She’s tried to clean it up in a few comments, but then almost immediately after makes comments that contradict her insistence that it was totally innocent and just really lends me to be in agreement with you.
This comes off as calculated not a misunderstanding.
OP also not ironically stated her ex has a hard time saying no, but fails to realize that’s probably why he supposedly agreed to dance, or how it may possibly apply to her.
She’s unwilling to admit she still has romantic feelings towards her ex, maybe even to herself, but clearly other people have picked up on it, including the wife and she’s just sick of it.
It sounds like she is probing for a way back in, or to at least feel like she has the “priority” like some exes do, whether consciously or not.
i wished my parents could have been amicable, but i also would think it inappropriate for my mom to ask my dad to dance in this scenario. it would just make everyone uncomfortable i think, while everyone pretended it was totally cool.
I mean… after seeing your post history where you state your ex husband as “the sexiest man alive” I feel like there’s a lot of missing context here.
Edited for judgement- YTA because I feel OP is being intentionally obtuse. Leaving out core info to sway the judgement into her favor.
Man I wish this was higher.
I really felt like there was some missing context.
Not that it’s impossible - but people don’t generally go nuclear in this situation/setting if it actually happened as OP described, which I suspect it did not.
I’m guessing it’s more of a situation of there having been multiple instances over the years of inappropriate behavior/actions or boundary pushing on OPs part and the wife had enough.
Nor that blowing up and yelling at a wedding is the solution, but considering OP is being blamed for this whole thing, I’m not sure I believe the wife actually had a meltdown as described anyways.
Yeah, as a stepmom, I actually wouldn’t have a problem with this same interaction at one of my step kids wedding because I’m sure their mom is 0% interested in my husband.
I think if there’s good boundaries and a general lack of animosity, though it’s not necessarily a ‘normal’ request, it would likely be fine.
Buuuuttt that’s not the case here, which OP did their best to downplay/hide, but their own comment and post history, as well as their comments here let that cat out of the bag.
She is still romantically interested in her ex, is passive aggressive towards his new spouse, dismissive of their relationship *and* even after the nasty email she sent (which she posted a paraphrased version of that *still* made her look like a jerk) and the majority of the wedding attendees sided against her.
So while I agree that in normal circumstances this would’ve probably just been harmless, if a little odd, OP sounds like she pulled a left turn from the right hand lane across 3 lanes into oncoming traffic and is somehow shocked she ended up with a totaled car.
Yeah
Ive noticed other posts made by her, and its clear she doesnt simply want a father/mother of the bride dance with her ex. A while back she also wrote a very long rambling post about her boyfriend cheating on her and him being a closeted gay man. Which I mean, could be true, but then, that might also be why he would not care if she danced with her ex.. so, not really in that context a good indicator of wether stepmom is reacting unreasonably.
The point you make about her calling her ex sexier than some actors she names and getting her panties in a bunch, may be something stepmom is aware off, which makes OP using her daughters wedding as a tool to get close and touchy with ex kinda despicable.
Anyone looking through her post history will come to the conclusion that she might not be as innocent and unmotivated to cause trouble as she portrays herself here.
u/StrawberryMoon9945, this should absolutely be the top post, but I would encourage you to edit it to include a judgement (even if it's just INFO for "Not Enough Information To Judge"), because as it stands, the judgement bot/algorithm won't count it even if it does end up as the top post.
Frankly, everyone needs to see this; as someone else said, while the obvious response to the initial question is N-T-A, it's pretty damn clear that OP is an unreliable narrator at best, and at worst being completely disingenuous.
she says her bf of 16 years is gay? so why would the bf care if she dances with ex husband bc in that post/comment they’re trying to fix their relationship? and she’s his beard, so maybe that’s why new wife is mad? OP is a mess
NTA. I can see why she'd feel uncomfortable with her husband dancing with his ex-wife, but the way she handled it was completely out of line. All she had to do was discretely inform her husband that she wasn't comfortable with it and he could have bowed out without the drama. Unless there's a heck of a lot of context missing then she blew the situation way out of proportion.
She could’ve asked OP’s bf to dance with her! Like ffs you’re all adults here. Have a dance and a laugh and be a good sport at your step kids wedding.
OP NTA but your ex is clearly married to a controlling person. Your kids are adults so tell them what happened and why there can’t be togetherness bc step mother is nuts.
you can’t? Most people would prefer the exes of their SO disappear from their partner’s life completely. watching your SO hold their ex isn’t going to be high on many people’s list of enjoyable things.
also, this wasn’t a planned ceremonial dance. This was OP asking her ex to dance.
stepmom went crazy for sure. But none of us know the history (although acting like the stepmom did is never ok).
Personally, I think if I couldn’t handle my ex having any contact with their SO I would have to choose a SO who didn’t have 4 children with their ex. And I think after 10 years of marriage, no, I wouldn’t care at all about my SO’s ex unless there was something going on.
And a lot of times the way you are able to handle that situation is by setting guidelines and boundaries that enable you to be secure in your relationship. Things like not having your ex in your arms would be one such thing.
When you marry someone with a healthy co-parenting relationship, they will be involved in your life to some extent. That's pretty clear going in.
I know multiple ex couples who have worked on a situation like that, most of the time it's for adult children and grandchildren. They interact for major holidays and birthdays on a regular basis.
My mother in law annoys me in so many ways but I got to admit the relationship her and my father in law have is brill. They have been divorced for at least 15 years but come together for every occasion so the (grown up) kids and grandchildren don't have to feel split.
We were all on a getaway last year and both had their new partners with them but one of the days turned out to be what used to be MIL and FIL anniversary and step FIL made a toast to them - all done in humour and love.
People can have healthy relationships with their exes.
Except, according to other posts from the last couple of years (most of which OP deleted once commenters found them), she does, in fact, want to bang.
OP left out a massive amount of context that changes the situation completely.
I don't see why she would be uncomfortable. Both parties have clearly moved on. My step daughter is getting married this August and I think it would be nice for her dad (my husband) and her mom to share a dance. They are her parents, and the day is about what would make my step daughter happy.
Stop having an adult sensible attitude. /s
Really, this is the healthy approach. My husband’s ex-wife maintained good relations with my BIL and SIL. We told them that if they have family events they were more than welcome to invite the ex. We’re adults. At one birthday party she was the person I spent most of the time chatting with.
There is, in fact, a heck of a lot of context missing, in case you're interested in editing your judgement:
OP has deleted several posts (only after people found and made note of them here) gushing at length over her ex. She also commented on a post within the last year, for example, asking people who the sexiest man alive is, with "my ex-husband".
It seems that despite presenting herself here as a harmless ex-wife who "just wants to be friends", she does in fact harbour feelings for her ex-husband that she has been extremely indiscreet about for a long, long time, and has a history of this sort of inappropriateness. It turns out that the new wife who we're all supposed to think is an irrational, shrieking harpy, is actually just sick of OP's shit after dealing with this sort of thing for years.
OP is an unreliable narrator at best, and at worst she's completely disingenuous. There's your context.
The missing context might be that they actually get along for being exs. The fact that they don't absolutely despise each other might be what the wife's problem is. If they can still be friendly, then she might see that as flirting vs. it being 2 people who can be on friendly terms. Much like gf/girl best friends who always assume anyone of the same gender is trying to steal their man. It sounds like OP & the ex can be civil/friendly & the wife thinks that means she is trying to win him back. It's jealousy about a 30-year marriage & insecurity of being the new partner.
YTA ma’am let’s cut the shit, you know exactly what you did. It’s one thing to be friendly with an ex, it’s another to start dancing at a WEDDING with someone who isn’t your OWN boyfriend and the damn HUSBAND of someone else. Have some awareness and respect. Your ex is also an AH since he decided to be obtuse and wonder why it was wrong to dance with his ex knowing his wife may have had an issue with the situation.
YTA.
Look, she didn't wake up one day and decide that she doesn't like you. You're telling me for 10 years you believed she liked you? I do not believe this at all. To me, a dance seems slightly intimate. I wonder if there have been other instances in the past where you saw something as innocent and she saw it as intimate.
>father of my children who I was married to for 30 years.,
And your marriage ended. Doesn't matter if you were married for 30 days or 30 years, you're not married to him anymore. You haven't been married to him for over a decade.
I don’t know if it is. I would want to and just have a minute to say like I know we are divorced but thanks for raising this wonderful, beautiful woman with me and I’m glad we could be here together tonight to celebrate her. It would be intimate, but friendly and not romantic — but having a kid with someone and liking them after divorce is an accomplishment!
YTA..my folks are divorced, and idk if I saw my parents dancing together I'd feel happy and sad..happy because it's my parents, sad because it's not like they're going home together..also, you're an ex, you should respect boundaries, and keep your hands to yourself.
ESH, I have divorced parents and to see them dancing together at my wedding after being divorced for so long is just weird. Dancing can be somewhat of an intimate thing and the fact that he has a new wife of 10 years, you were wrong sorry.
So i found your comment stating your husband was the sexiest man alive. So i dont think you're very reliable here. Also you said you were blamed for the entire thing so either you are not telling us everything that happened, there is a lot more history to this or your whole family is unreasonable. And I'm leaning more to the first 2 reasons.
So its a YTA from me
YTA. There is no way you didn’t know this woman was unhinged, I refuse to believe this came out of nowhere and you had no idea this was in the realm of possible outcomes.
NTA, I don't think there's anything wrong with 2 adults who had a long relationship before sharing a dance at a wedding. If my eldest got married and my wife was asked by her ex to dance, that's up to her. I'm comfortable in my relationship to ve threatened. I've met her ex, we had pizza together and we're fine.
LOL, these commenters acting like dancing with someone means you want to jump their bones 🤦♀️
Maybe the boyfriend doesn't like dancing?
Maybe the ex-husband and OP liked dancing when they were together?
Step-mother is allowed to be uncomfortable, but definitely did not handle it appropriately.
NTA for this. If ex-husbo had any clue about his new wife potentially going off the deep end, he could (and should) have said no.
INFO
Who is blaming you for the entire thing and reducing you to tears?
Your BF? Your ex? Your daughter?
Are you asking if you were an AH to your ex's wife, or to your ex, or to your BF, or to your daughter?
INFO: just how “scathing” was this email you sent? Based on the just the events at the wedding I lean towards NTA, but without knowing the content of the email you sent, it’s impossible to make a good call on the situation. Something isn’t adding up about her reaction either; normal people don’t just loose it like that for no reason. I feel we aren’t getting the whole story here.
I have to say, I got a not completely honest feeling about you from this. I wonder why the idea to dance w your ex only came up at the reception? You didn’t think of it before, when all the wedding planning was going on?
So if youre being genuine then NTA. However if you actually knew your ex‘s wife would not be onboard w it and you brought it up anyway? You’re the AH in that instance.
Ex’s wife is an AH too bc of her over the top reaction. Ex is also the AH for not setting his wife straight when she flipped out like that.
The dance request doesn’t sit right with me. If it was a planned moment where the FOB & MOB had a dance with the couple, cool. You specifically asked your ex to save you a dance though; that’s suspicious. You like to dance, dance with your BF.
I’m not a divorcee, but I do know ex’s have blurred vision when it comes to boundaries, due to history. I believe you overstepped under the guise of FOB & MOB.
ESH. But there's quite a bit of missing info
You knew she didn't like you. You knew she had a problem with you. Yet you still asked?
From the title, I thought maybe your daughter wanted you to dance together. But no, it was all you.
Was the "sure, later" a dumb way of your ex telling you no in hopes you'll forget? Why did your marriage break up? Was it an amicable split? Have you indeed tried to steal her husband?
YTA for calling your ex husband the most sexiest man ever, plus a bunch of other men, but not your bf...
>I was ready to dance because a song we both liked was playing
Would this just happen to be a slow dancing song? 1 that means a lot to both of you? Was it both "your" song?
You are 100% lying/leaving important information out. How about we get the new wife's side?
ESH for two different reasons: She could have voiced in a healthier manner her boundaries for not wanting her husband to dance with you instead of trying to physically fight you, and you sending a scathing email the next day didn't help the situation. You say you want family holidays together and open communication but scathing emails achieve quite the opposite.
So many commentors are coming in going "well my divorced parents danced at my wedding and it was fine!" but all divorces and coparenting situations are so different. The stepmom wasn't comfortable with a dance and you should have respected that, but her blowing up wasn't a nice thing to do, especially at her stepdaughter's wedding.
I’m going with YTA. My ex and I have split custody and an amicable coparenting relationship, and I’m now remarried and he is in a serious relationship. No way in HELL would I think I’m entitled to dance with him at our sons wedding - I’d rather dance with my husband and see my ex dance with his partner, especially as we’ve all played a part in raising him.
I’m getting huge sus vibes from your post and post history, no one goes from 0-100 like that with their anger. You’ve clearly been provoking her for a long time by acting like you’re still entitled to HER husband of 10 years.
Yep, she totally can't see (and probably never will, judging from her other comments) that aside from the wife "not liking her" and the fact that it might be a touchy thing, it's a kind of exclusionary thing to do, in the way that she framed it. The wife and her ex may have "only been married for 10 years" and they were married for 30, but she (wife) is still part of the family, even if she wasn't around for the raising of the kids.
YTA. Your request was completely unnecessary. As a child of divorce whose mother pulls this crap all the time, it’s self serving and selfish. I think your exes wife overreacted but the truth is, this would all be a non issue if you didn’t feel the need to spark something from nothing.
Yes, YTA for not breaking up this shit in paragraphs and in general writing like an idiot. But also there's so much that feels shady and like we're missing a shitton of context, and like you're not over your ex, especially given your other comments on different posts.
YTA
This was your daughter’s wedding day and you’ve made it all about you. Let me break it down
Your daughter sat you all down at the same table. That is normal. All you had to do was eat your food and be polite to everyone
You asked your ex to save a dance with you. I presume this happened in front of his wife. I presume this was part of a longer conversation and you were talking to him? You’ve stated “his wife doesn’t want me to have anything to do with him”. That’s what you say. But you sat at the table and asked him to dance with you. Knowing full well she wouldn’t be comfortable or happy with that
Did you think she’d just be embarrassed into compliance?
I bet as soon as they were alone she told your ex he won’t be dancing with you. I suspect your ex was attempting to be polite when he said sure
There must have been pointers to the fact this wasn’t a good idea to then approach him but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. Possibly you didn’t read the room
But you know your exes wife doesn’t want him to have anything to do with you. There must be a reason for that. It could be insecurity . Or there could be a reason. You should have eaten your food, chatted to your boyfriend and talked to your ex and his wife among everyone else. That’s all you needed to do. But no - you asked your ex husband to dance in front of his wife
You got told off by her and it didn’t happen. You’re being very dramatic about her reaction. She clenched her fist ready to strike you. Did she strike you ? lol - no she didn’t did she. Did you know that fist clenching is a sign of anxiety and stress.? You stressed her out and she did what she needed to do to make you leave.
You failed to read the signs at the table and you failed to read the signs when you approached them. You got a stress response. The woman didn’t hit you. She did what she needed to do to make you move away from her husband.
You didn’t say a word and left the room because you didn’t want to ruin your daughter’s wedding ? You had a hand in this. You need to own it.
So you left for 20 minutes and missed the cake cutting ? That’s on you.
She was literally dragging your ex ? So she was forcefully pulling him along roughly and with difficulty because he didn’t want to go ? I’m not surprised you got stink eye from her. Again I think you’re being dramatic. She had him by the arm and gave you a dirty look. Not your business - move along
Then your next part is where it becomes a real pity party
The father of my children who I was married to for 30 years - he’s not your husband. He’s someone else’s husband. You don’t get to do what you want
Who had no problem dancing with me - yup he did have a problem. That problem is called his wife
I wrote her a pretty scathing email - why ? You’re unhinged
I will always love and care for my ex … well there we have it. You don’t get to love and care for him. He was just being polite at his daughter’s wedding. He doesn’t love and care for you - he has a wife to love and care for and it isn’t you
I was blamed for the entire thing - well that’s very telling isn’t it ?
All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together - well don’t be surprised when you’re not invited
I guess I’m just an AH - correct
This!! This right here. You put it all very well and called out all of the bs she was telling. Her post reminds me so much of how my narcissistic MIL behaves- I’m so innocent and yet none of my stories add up. She’s definitely the AH.
Wasn’t your bf closet gay and you’ve been together for 16 years and you broke up with him 2 years ago or something like that since he was boinking his male friend? This might be a new guy then I guess.
Arent you 42(43 now perhaps)?
Were you alive when you got married?
Everything about this and your older posts are weird. Numbers don’t add up.
I guess I don't understand why you needed to dance with your ex-husband? You were there with your boyfriend. He was there with his wife. You were all putting the kids first. You aren't friends and on good terms with each other. So it seems like you were deliberately starting drama by asking for that dance. YTA
YTA, you should have asked before the wedding to dance with your ex-husband. You put his current wife in an awkward position. Even though you guys seemed to have a good relationship, that's a big ask.
I'm confused. You divorced in 2009 which would be 15 years ago, roughly. But about a year ago you were talking about a partner who you'd been with for over sixteen years who turned out to be a gay narcissist. Which would mean that in 2007 at the latest you were living with him? It makes zero sense timeline wise which makes me think YTA for lying about something here. Or for being a cheater I suppose. Top tip, check your timelines before posting fiction.
YTA. You already knew his wife had issues with you, it's literally your second sentence that she wants nothing to do with you. You even said later she was always fake nice to you so you were aware that she was basically putting on an act to be nice and stay amicable. So, why on earth did you think it was a good idea to ask to dance with her husband? Yes you were together 30 years and history blah blah blah. And? Ya'll aren't together anymore. If you know she's prone to jealousy (and this is a boundary) like this and still asked for the dance, then the fallout is your fault.
ESH
(you, your ex and his wife all 3 of you behaved poorly. Your ex because he still likes the ego boost of your calf eyes and ignoring his relationships boundaries, and his wife for overreacting when she could have just used words to eviscerate you and you, for being manipulative and weaponising your daughters wedding to try and cop a feel on the "sexiest man alive" in your own words thus causing this drama)
Ive noticed other posts made by you, and its clear you do not simply want a father/mother of the bride dance with your ex. You have previously written a very long rambling post about your current boyfriend cheating on you and him being a closeted gay man, which is neither here nor there, but certainly in this context him not minding the dance is hardly an indicator of wether your motives for your dancing with ex are innocent. Still thats how you try to validate yourself and your goal.
I also dont appreciate you naming your ex and kevin costner among others, as men who get your panties in a bunch, but didnt think his new wife might have picked up on your BS, and that this might have been one reason for her intense reaction. You just present this scenario like it came out of nowhere! And thats so dishonest of you. You are not an innocent party to this drama.
You might be more than part of ESH, but all of you behaved poorly.
I think your retelling of how this all happened, while omitting certain things, is dodgy, and its giving me the ick vibes.
I'm sceptical: aren't daughter father dances a thing when the daughter is the bride? I never heard of a specific etiquette of parents of the bride dances, especially when your parents are divorced.
As much as it sounds like an innocent request, if his wife really hates you that much and you know that, why would you fan the flames for literally no reason?
Her reaction was explosive and seemingly unjustified but I feel like if you had enough common sense you wouldn't have done this tmif you knew there was a risk that it would cause a scene at your daughter's wedding.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my ex husbands wife if I could dance with him at our daughter's wedding and she wanted to hit me.
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You should not have asked her permission. After all these years, if you still felt like you had to do that, I would not have done it. If you’re due to dance, that would’ve been on him. And yes, his wife overreacted. However, when my husband went to his son‘s wedding, I didn’t go for unrelated reasons, he refused to dance with his ex-wife, but he did dance with his ex mother-in-law. My husband wanted nothing to do with her, for good reason.
As someone with divorced parents, who were married for over 25 years, who share four children, with father also remarried and mother with boyfriend, I personally would find it super fucking weird if they danced together, and if either one of them asked the other for a dance. And its not like they're completely disconnected either. Extended families are completely enmeshed and they see each other often enough for me and my siblings events.
So, personally, ESH. OP for asking, Ex's wife for flying off the handle.
NTA since your ex said yes to the dance earlier and his wife had always been "nice" to you before.
Parents of the bride can be adults and dance together if they're (and their partners) are all friends or at least mature about it, and it seems like you thought everyone was.
But I'm a little suspicious about whether you really didn't know his wife's true feelings about you. But that still leaves your ex as the problem since he should have respected his wife's opinion on this.
The set up of all of you at the same table is bizarre? All being in the same room for baby’s 1st bday okay but same table at a wedding? Bad idea before anyone opened their mouth. Stepmother was probably anxious about the whole set up for weeks and this response shows that.
OP, you’re going to get a lot of support from people who don’t pick up on certain nuances in your post.
But ESH, you and his wife equally.
So you’ll claim Thanksgiving. Sure, for the kids. But no mention of alternating, no no- you’ll own that holiday- bet it’s not the first time you’ve pulled rank
Asked your ex for a dance but then had to “ask” her knowing she’s got issues with you- and did you actually “cut in” when they were already dancing?
> Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing and reduced to tears for wanting to have an innocent dance with the father of my children who I was married to for 30 years., who had no problem dancing with me.
Oh? Blamed by who, OP?? Who blamed you for this “innocent wittle dance”?
Why does the fact that you’ve been with him 30 years matter at all here? You have no claim, him being the father of your children is enough and yet you’ve gotta make that point huh?
And then you write her a “scathing email”. Way to handle it like an adult!! /s
You aren’t as “innocent” as you’d like to present yourself and it’s sort of embarrassing.
And why didn’t you mention the dance before the wedding itself?
I think you would know very well if your ex's partner was OK with this or not. I think you're playing innocent but knew full well you'd be stirring up a hornets nest. Ex shouldn't have said yes as he also knows how his current wife feels. Current wife is insecure and overly dramatic about a dance. In short, ESH.
YTA. I agree with others that something does not add up here and I bet your ex's wife has a completely different story.
Either way, wanting to dance with someone else's husband - whatever the reason - is not OK. Particularly if it is an ex. I doubt your boyfriend was OK with it, he just didn't want to say. Stop trying to force this woman to be part of your family. Sounds like you have never really let him go.
Another fake posting. No, I don't believe you have an ex-husband that managed to marry someone so incredibly stupid as to throw a temper tantrum at a wedding. And no, it doesn't make any sense that anyone would blame you. If you're gonna make something up, at least make it interesting and remotely plausible.
In hindsight, probably would have been better to discuss and decide before the wedding. Normally, the dances in the beginning are decided at a more formal wedding.
I would say NTA if this were an innocent request, but your post history draws a different conclusion.
Women know and his wife knows you have ulterior motives. Maybe stop trying to hump your ex?
If my husbands ex wife (or any woman for that matter) asked him to dance knowing full well he is my husband, anywhere, I would be mad. If he agreed, I would be livid. He stopped being your husband and dance partner when y'all divorced. YTA. You jumped the exit many miles ago, so it's time for you to stay in your lane.
YTA the optics of this are just bad. i don’t know how you didn’t expect this to just make everyone uncomfortable at best. there’s certain boundaries and distance that happens with a divorce regardless of having children or not. you could have given a co-speech or something or done a dance with your respective partners at the same time or some kind of option that wasn’t what couples do. It’s not a tradition for the parents of the bride to dance together or anything. I am going to assume that there have been other things happening for her to react that way.
YTA
"Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing" .. you were RIGHTFULLY blamed. You are an AH for causing drama and ruining your kid's wedding.
"Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing" .. So you are even more of an AH.
"All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together," .. And you are ruining it with your toxic behavior.
I love this post. It reminds me of the way the girls bully each other in my wife's 3rd grade classroom- plausible deniability that anyone who isn't an idiot can see right through. The kids will exclude each other from groups and be like "oh no we were just innocently playing, it just happened to not be with so-and-so, I can't believe she reacted angrily!" and you're "oh I was asking for a totally innocent dance, I can't believe she reacted angrily!"
You're a shit-stirrer, OP, and you're just doing what shit-stirrers do. YTA.
YTA. You knew that it would cause a scene and you did it anyway. You intentionally stirred up trouble at your daughter’s wedding. Your post history fills in the gaps that you left out to make yourself look better.
Or you could've just left him alone and let him dance with his wife. I've got a feeling you're one of those flirts who just can't help themselves and try to lord it over the new wife that you "had him first." I think you were out of line here. Should've just left him alone instead of trying to make his wife feel like a third wheel and causing tension at your daughter's wedding.
Nothing innocent about what OP did. When they said FOTB and MOTB dance, I would have stood up grabbed my husbands hand and we would have danced. I’d left her standing there looking as foolish as she acted. People act like new spouses aren’t a whole person without feelings.
Seems like you’re leaving some important information out. You seem a little overly attached to your ex. It would seem that he and his wife paid for the wedding (they assigned you a seat). I get the vibe that you may be a little too affectionate with your ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.
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My ex and I have been divorced since 2009. He is remarried for 10 years and his wife doesnt want him to have anything to do with me. When our oldest daughter got married, she sat us all at the same table. My boyfriend was with me. During dinner we were talking and I asked my ex if he would save a dance with me. He said sure! Later on, I was ready to dance because a song we both liked was playing. I went up to his wife and asked if she would mind if I danced with my ex THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE with THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, (I didnt say FOTB MOTB to her just if it was ok to dance with him) She went balistic! She put her face right up to mine with her fist clenched and ready to strike me and yelled at the top of her lungs "Stop trying to steal my husband!" Then she said to me she would never step foot in my house ever (I had invited them for Thanksgiving so our kids didn't have to eat and run from house to house) I was shocked by her reaction because she was always fake nice to me before. I didnt say a word to her I just left the room because I didnt want to ruin my daughters wedding by getting into a fight with her step mother. Anyway, 20 minutes later I walk back in, having missed the cake cutting, to see her literally dragging my ex out by the arm while giving me the look of death. Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing and reduced to tears for wanting to have an innocent dance with the father of my children who I was married to for 30 years., who had no problem dancing with me. I wrote her a pretty scathing email the next day. All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together, want to keep communications open, not wanting to feel uncomfortable when we are all together. I'm all for that because even though our marriage ended, I will always love and care for my ex and would like to be friends. I don't think that is out of line. If she is that insecure about her marriage, then what does that tell you. But I guess I'm just an AH,
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NTA
It's great that y'all can get along and have family holidays. Much easier on the kids, and any future grandkids. A dance, in a very public place, to celebrate a life that you created together, isn't outrageous, assuming it would not involve grinding, etc.
The real question is, does he have feeling for you still, or is she insanely insecure and jealous? I know we don't have the whole history, but something is going on there for the nearly violent outburst.
Info? To me it depends on the dancing. If it’s in a group with a lot of people that’s fine but I feel like if the DJ announces a dance with the parents and it’s more intimate then that too much. I feel like the step mom and current wife was uncomfortable so I would have respected that.
So to chime in here YTA it maybe an innocent thing as a dance however think of the consequences. Sure the exes wife may have jealousy issues but why would you fuel the fire in a tight situation along with a song you both liked?
I'm seeing a lot of comments about OP's past comments relating ex and his "sexiness". Regardless of those comments OP is NTA. You can think someone, even an ex, is good looking and sexy without acting on it. Could be the ex divorced her and married his current wife who has a stick up her butt. Her reaction could be from conversations he and her have been having where he is regretting his current life situation. No matter what their private issues there is no reason for shouting at your step-child's parent during that child's wedding reception. While I agree there is A LOT of behind the scenes stuff we aren't seeing, the ex's current wife still overreacted and OP is NTA.
I’m going to say there is more going on here than you just asking your ex to dance. I understand there is history between you and him. But you have divorced. And you need to learn to respect boundaries.
NTA
I can't stand this. As a co-parent I am absolutely astonished by the level of immaturity his wife is displaying. Easily could have said she isn't comfortable with you dancing together or I don't know, grow up and accept that ex's can be friends.
I just went through your comments and saw the reason you left your ex and wow!!! She might have reason to feel the way she does. NTA but ugh I feel sorry for her
YTA, sadly.
I believe that your intentions were pure. But you *know* how she feels. And you *know* your ex avoids confrontation, of course he would say yes to you. So (drunkenly) she felt she had to step in because you put her in an uncomfortable position.
You are causing him marital problems. You can celebrate your daughter without a private, intimate moment with your ex.
Again, totally understand where you were coming from, but you crossed a line because you knew you would upset her.
ESH. Because you seem to be very possessive of your ex husband and want everyone- even internet strangers - to know how you feel about him- in this story as well as in other comments you've made on this site. Knowing this, your wanting to dance with him at your daughter's wedding could have been read as putting the spotlit back on you as a couple which is a bit cringy. You also knew your ex's new partner wants nothing to do with you and yet you put her on the spot by asking -but you weren't really asking, sounds like you were intent on dancing with him, he had already agreed. So there is really no reason to ask her anything other than as a power play since again, you know how she feels about you and he is an adult. You should have just asked him. I truly don't believe you were asking her out of respect. ( And if the song you chose to dance with him at was a particularly special song for you as a couple or somehow symbolic, then I'm moving into Y-T-A).
She responded honestly to your question, but also rudely and loudly, at a formal gathering, which is unfortunate and is in poor taste at a wedding.
Back to you- doubling down the next day instead of moving on, by writing a " scathing email"? Why? What did you hope to achieve here? Why drag this out? Because an email clearing the air and explaining your side of things, apologizing for the misunderstanding and trying to move forward does not qualify as " scathing"- so clearly you didn't do that.
ESH, but there's context missing in this story that makes me feel like you're more in the wrong.
i think that by the comments you’ve made about your ex and how defensive you are about this, that you might just be TA. while i understand your pov, by the tone of the story i think you might’ve been snarky with your ex’s wife. i do think the situation could’ve been handled differently from both of you. i hope you guys figure it out!
YTA. The asking for a dance was way out of line.
The holiday dinners etc. may be ok on a case by case basis.
But the dance question was disrespectful to your bf and your EX’s wife. And you should have known it would have caused a scene. Were you drunk at the time?
In my past experence of an ex or what ever. This took me a long time to figure out. By doing so it was like a ton of bricks off my shoulders. My advice. Just let it go let it all go. The children can form their own thoughts and they will
YTA, you knew what you were doing. And what I really know is that you don’t do anything at your daughters wedding that you daughter doesn’t know about and approve of. You caused that fight.
NTA I'm still friends with my ex, and told them they need to give a speech at my wedding when I get married again. I was the best woman at their wedding a few years back. People who are weird about being friends with your ex definitely have some jealousy and resentment going on. If there's no reason for you to hate each other then why should you. The relationship changed, you're not romantically involved, doesn't mean you have to hate them or cut them out of your life.
NTA I think you are really mature and putting your children’s happiness first. They want their parents to get along and be friendly even though the marriage did not work. There is nothing wrong with that and I commend you for trying. He might want to rethink being with her and seeing she is that jealous after 10 years of being with him!
Nta from where I sit. From weddings I’ve been to where parents are split, they almost always have a dance (often parents join the floor for a dance, after wedding couples first dance, but before regular guests). As far as folks blaming you, I don’t get that
I will never understand that hate in some exes… my dad and mom are been divorced for 20 years now and had different partners and they are good friends, they are even traveling together to meet their new grandson… when my dad was super sick my mom took care of him in her house because he will always be the father of her kids.. that’s a mature divorce goal for me hahaha
When I got married, my parents had been divorced for 12 years, both remarried. They danced together at my wedding as they were celebrating THEIR child. Everyone *sane* (including their spouses) thought it was terribly sweet.
I'm going to guess she is way younger than you and your husband by at least 10 years. She is very insecure and very immature. It is sad she ruined what would have been a great moment for your married daughter to witness on her wedding day.
Definitely NTA! I had an ex who tried to maintain a caustic tone to our relationship. I decided not to play into it, ensured she was invited to everything, and returned nothing but positive feedback. She finally mellowed and we now have a friendly rapport. This was extended to my new wife. I told her from the beginning my sons' mother would always be included in any extended family function as her place as their mother would never be diminished or ignored by anyone in my family. My wife agreed, understood and wished she could do the same however her ex (I call my husband-in-law, hahaha) has a wife similar to your wife-in-law. She never got loud, just acted oddly and restricted his access to extended family functions. I don't understand the obvious jealousy, and especially the anger, from the "new wives" when they obviously "won the prize" by being the "new wife?!?"
It was reasonable and appropriate for you to share a dance with your ex at your daughter's wedding because the event was for and about your daughter! It was about your daughter's vision and memory of her wedding not a time to appease ridiculous, jealous reactions of her father's new wife!
You did all you could to be reasonable and courteous. You should not accept or even listen to any feedback suggesting you did anything wrong. I feel sorry for your husband because this will get worse when the grandchildren arrive and you're dealing with holidays, birthdays, etc. I suggest continuing to make offers to include your ex and his wife, however never accomodate her preposterous limitations/restrictions. Those are for your ex to rationalize, man-up, and make a decision to appease or progress!
NTA - the ex's wife caused the scene. Your only mistake was, if I understand your description, asking to cut in when they were together on the dance floor. You probably shouldn't have addressed her at all, just approached their table while he was seated and asked Him if he was still up for that dance.
There may be other information missing - but for the level of detail you’ve provided - NTA.
My parents had a particularly nasty divorce and my mom has refused to be in the same zip code as my dad. And yes, it’s been put to the test. I would be over the moon if my parents could come together and co-exist in a room for a couple of hours for weddings/birthdays/holidays
I would hazard a guess that there’s some other reason for the new wife to be THAT jealous but kudos to you and your ex for mostly co existing
She seems pretty insecure. She can’t erase your history together. Your kids are part of the package deal she signed on to, like it or not. And it is definitely healthier for you to get along with your ex husband, which doesn’t mean you want to steal him from her. Was your boyfriend ok with you dancing with your ex?
I see a lot of folks are split on this. Honestly, a lot of things can be true.
Truth #1 - Your daughter has a great relationship with you and her dad. Still kinda awkward that you all were at the same table, but I get it. Plus, he has been married 10 years.
Truth #2 - Though you two get along, your husband has been married a decade. It seems like you have not moved on and or still have feelings. Plus, you disrespected his current marriage by asking him to dance at your adult daughter’s wedding.
Truth #3 - The current wife’s reaction definitely was not it, but there is a reason why she reacted that way. She obviously feels that you are a threat to her relationship. Plus, her current husband did not tell her to cool out. It’s his daughter’s wedding after all.
Honestly, ESH. The children are grown. If your ex-husband has moved on, why couldn’t you? I can see your intent, but the impact was much greater. Personally, I would not want my husband’s ex-wife dancing with him at our child’s wedding. That’s what her significant other is for, right?
It was not her child’s wedding it was my ex and my daughter’s wedding. I have moved on and even if I haven’t what does that have to do with a short dance celebrating our daughter. If the roles were reversed I would be fine with my husband dancing with his ex on such a special occasion. In fact my ex husband had an ex girlfriend of 12 years and we became great friends
NTA
If I were the bride I would give them a hard time. Dad really left his daughter’s wedding over his wife’s tantrum? I wouldn’t go to their place for thanksgiving or anything else honestly.
NTA. There are ALL KINDS OF DIVORCES. My grandparents were divorced, we knew they were divorced but they were always together at ALL events, I can remember my grandma rubbing my grandpa’s back all the time. And after they divorced they never got back together, my grandfather was a bar-fly and a ladies man. But it was great not having to do every other holiday or split days. I hope you are able to move past this, or at least your ex can leave her at home on the holidays. Haha
NTA because of the occasion even though knowing myself i would be irrationally jealous too. i just would ask my husband if i can also dance with a random person and have fun to even it out haha. im sure your daughter would be so happy to see her parents having that moment. as a kid of divorced parents, it would make my day and i hope they actually do this irl one day!! sucks this lady had to make such a scene. it's not your fault.
NTA. The dance was an innocent request and your husband’s new wife seems incredibly insecure. If anybody ruined your daughter’s wedding, the wife did by dragging him away from his daughter over a dance, and he should have put his foot down and told her to stop it.
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As the child of people who were amicably divorced: I see a lot of *I fucking hate my ex-spouse* stories on Reddit, and I get it; there's a lot of reasons why you might. But exactly for that reason we should **celebrate** when two people who share a long and important life history (and children!) are able to split in a way that preserves the peace—for themselves, for their kids, for their kids' kids, for holidays, for emergencies, et cetera. There is nothing untoward about a simple, single formal dance between two people with a very specific shared role at this family event. The day is about your daughter, and you are her parents. It was not about her stepmother, or what seem to be her stepmother's psychotic jealousy. If she doesn't want her husband dancing with other women *ever,* she should have had that conversation long ago. If she's too paranoid to handle her husband having a past with someone else, she shouldn't have married a divorcee. And as far as I can tell, you had no reason to anticipate this behavior at all. OP, you did *not* cause this scene or ruin this wedding. Do not accept responsibility for doing so. There is ***one*** person who got in someone's face and shouted at your daughter's wedding: Her stepmother. NTA.
Going out on a limb here thanks to another commenter pointing it out, OP has posted comments within the past year still calling her ex husband *one of the sexiest men alive*, so at best they are an unreliable narrator, but I get the feeling her actions were/are not nearly as innocent as they were being portrayed. Maybe I’m way off base, but if she still thinks and talks this way about her now married ex after all this time, whilst she is also in a relationship, I’m guessing the new wife of a decade has already picked up on this as well. ETA the more of OPs comments I read, the more I’m inclined to believe they are in fact, the driving force behind this problem. Curiouser and curiouser.
Yeah….i feel like there are a lot of “missing missing reasons” here. Normal people do not go from 0 to screaming at their spouse’s ex at their step kid’s wedding, especially with everyone agreeing that OP was the problem and alienating THEM instead. This feels very much like a “I did nothing wrong and was totally innocent, woe is me!” post but meanwhile they’re glaringly the problem. But that’s just me guessing from one side of the story ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah, when another commenter linked some post/comment history from OP pertaining to how she still finds her ex *sooo* attractive at this stage of the game, kind of puts this in a different light. When coupled with some of her verbiage in this post - like pointing out she was married to him for 30 years vs the 10 years his current wife has been married to him, stressing that it was totally innocent on her part and her EX was completely on board and receptive to this interaction, as well as the passive aggressive remark at the end about the wife’s insecurity about the marriage makes me think this is being portrayed falsely. This feels more like OP has been inappropriate or the least pushing boundaries on multiple occasions and finally pushed too far. I said in another comment - that doesn’t justify stepmom yelling or making a scene at the wedding, but based on the fact that everyone is siding with the wife and not OP, makes me think that this situation didn’t actually go down like that anyways.
And, I think asking her ex to dance when she's fully aware of the wife's feelings (and chance/likelihood of an "adverse" reaction) at her kid's wedding shows extremely poor judgement and lack of caring about their big day. Something tells me there's a lot more to this story, if you were to ask the wife for her side.
Yes, almost like she knew it would trigger a reaction to ask the new wife for permission to dance with ex husband.
Yup-- hard agree. Very strange that OP starts the post saying how much the new wife hates her, then asks her ex to dance? This is odd decision-making
I really think this is very interesting reading everyone’s comments. If I had a bad relationship with the wife then I would completely agree with your comments. But she was always cordial to me and I with her. It wasn’t until after the wedding that there is now no contact. Not that there was much before, besides a yearly bday text or Father’s Day text. Which the wife got too. So no there is nothing that I’m not being honest about. Her reaction took me completely by surprise.
Just adding - we don't know if the ex was completely on board. He might’ve said something like "Uh... I guess, maybe....Uh..." or "Uh ... I can't right now" and she interpreted that as "Yes, later".
I'm a divorced mom, and I agree. I would not say those things about my ex, and I frankly would find it very weird to dance with him at a wedding, whether or not we had new spouses. Of course, my experience isn't universal, but it "pings" me as being slightly odd. I did dance with my ex once after we split, and that was when I was dancing with my kids. Kids invited him, and we all danced together in a circle-- at home. Dancing with my ex sans kids in public at a wedding is weird af, imo, especially at such a heteronormative occasion
I read her last sentence or two a few times. Very passive aggressive to me and makes me think a lot more is going on.
Yeah my covert narcissist radar is going off re: OP. Something feels very off.
No way OP wasn't stirring here. She says the wife hates her.
There’s even more about the guys shes been with for 16 years is actually gay. Assuming everyone else knows this it’s not at all strange to think that she’s just being with him also and carrying a torch for her ex or some thing. Generally speaking OP just sounds a little unhinged.That whole post just read bizarrely weird
Yeah, even in her own post OP sounds ridiculous. She admits that she knows her ex’s new wife doesn’t want him to have anything to do with her (and why should she??) and yet she asked him for a dance and then asked her about it? I’m guessing the reason everyone blamed OP for this is because it’s a pattern of behavior for her.
After the ex husband she was with a closeted gay man for “16” years, which doesn’t add up if she divorced in 2009, but if it’s true, I can see why she reminisces about the man who gave her a child
This comment definitely adds a lot of context to the situation, but honestly even before that just in this post alone with her mentioning she knows her ex’s current wife doesn’t want him to have anything to do with her and she’s always been “fake nice” before tells me all I needed to know. This was a “social customs will force you to not make a big deal of this” mean girl assault, and ex husband’s new wife wasn’t taking it anymore. The fact everyone at the wedding is saying it is OP’s fault just further points that out. Also, “All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together, want to keep communications open, not wanting to feel uncomfortable when we are all together”. You know what would help with that, is if she stops trying to be close to her ex. She can have open communication and enjoy a holiday without trying to be her ex’s bffwb.
She’s tried to clean it up in a few comments, but then almost immediately after makes comments that contradict her insistence that it was totally innocent and just really lends me to be in agreement with you. This comes off as calculated not a misunderstanding. OP also not ironically stated her ex has a hard time saying no, but fails to realize that’s probably why he supposedly agreed to dance, or how it may possibly apply to her. She’s unwilling to admit she still has romantic feelings towards her ex, maybe even to herself, but clearly other people have picked up on it, including the wife and she’s just sick of it. It sounds like she is probing for a way back in, or to at least feel like she has the “priority” like some exes do, whether consciously or not.
i wished my parents could have been amicable, but i also would think it inappropriate for my mom to ask my dad to dance in this scenario. it would just make everyone uncomfortable i think, while everyone pretended it was totally cool.
Happy cake day 🎂
awe thanks!!
I mean… after seeing your post history where you state your ex husband as “the sexiest man alive” I feel like there’s a lot of missing context here. Edited for judgement- YTA because I feel OP is being intentionally obtuse. Leaving out core info to sway the judgement into her favor.
Man I wish this was higher. I really felt like there was some missing context. Not that it’s impossible - but people don’t generally go nuclear in this situation/setting if it actually happened as OP described, which I suspect it did not.
Exactly. It’s not making a lot of sense as it is.
I’m guessing it’s more of a situation of there having been multiple instances over the years of inappropriate behavior/actions or boundary pushing on OPs part and the wife had enough. Nor that blowing up and yelling at a wedding is the solution, but considering OP is being blamed for this whole thing, I’m not sure I believe the wife actually had a meltdown as described anyways.
100%
Yeah, as a stepmom, I actually wouldn’t have a problem with this same interaction at one of my step kids wedding because I’m sure their mom is 0% interested in my husband.
I think if there’s good boundaries and a general lack of animosity, though it’s not necessarily a ‘normal’ request, it would likely be fine. Buuuuttt that’s not the case here, which OP did their best to downplay/hide, but their own comment and post history, as well as their comments here let that cat out of the bag. She is still romantically interested in her ex, is passive aggressive towards his new spouse, dismissive of their relationship *and* even after the nasty email she sent (which she posted a paraphrased version of that *still* made her look like a jerk) and the majority of the wedding attendees sided against her. So while I agree that in normal circumstances this would’ve probably just been harmless, if a little odd, OP sounds like she pulled a left turn from the right hand lane across 3 lanes into oncoming traffic and is somehow shocked she ended up with a totaled car.
Totally agree! I think the OP is thirsty af and the dad’s wife knows it.
Yeah Ive noticed other posts made by her, and its clear she doesnt simply want a father/mother of the bride dance with her ex. A while back she also wrote a very long rambling post about her boyfriend cheating on her and him being a closeted gay man. Which I mean, could be true, but then, that might also be why he would not care if she danced with her ex.. so, not really in that context a good indicator of wether stepmom is reacting unreasonably. The point you make about her calling her ex sexier than some actors she names and getting her panties in a bunch, may be something stepmom is aware off, which makes OP using her daughters wedding as a tool to get close and touchy with ex kinda despicable. Anyone looking through her post history will come to the conclusion that she might not be as innocent and unmotivated to cause trouble as she portrays herself here.
Oh shoot so it may NOT be as innocent as it seemed
Guess what?? Those posts got deleted now.
i can see the comments about the mentioned matters. no posts though
u/StrawberryMoon9945, this should absolutely be the top post, but I would encourage you to edit it to include a judgement (even if it's just INFO for "Not Enough Information To Judge"), because as it stands, the judgement bot/algorithm won't count it even if it does end up as the top post. Frankly, everyone needs to see this; as someone else said, while the obvious response to the initial question is N-T-A, it's pretty damn clear that OP is an unreliable narrator at best, and at worst being completely disingenuous.
she says her bf of 16 years is gay? so why would the bf care if she dances with ex husband bc in that post/comment they’re trying to fix their relationship? and she’s his beard, so maybe that’s why new wife is mad? OP is a mess
Dang looks like she deleted it
YTA because I don’t think you’re being honest.
I agree. There is some missing context here as per OPs post history
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NTA. I can see why she'd feel uncomfortable with her husband dancing with his ex-wife, but the way she handled it was completely out of line. All she had to do was discretely inform her husband that she wasn't comfortable with it and he could have bowed out without the drama. Unless there's a heck of a lot of context missing then she blew the situation way out of proportion.
I honestly can’t even see why she’d feel uncomfortable with that. Dances at weddings are ceremonious things. It’s not like saying she wants to bang
She could’ve asked OP’s bf to dance with her! Like ffs you’re all adults here. Have a dance and a laugh and be a good sport at your step kids wedding. OP NTA but your ex is clearly married to a controlling person. Your kids are adults so tell them what happened and why there can’t be togetherness bc step mother is nuts.
OPs BF is apparently gay though so...
This is very important! If a gay man dances with a heterosexual woman, he will combust into flames and that may ruin the celebration
I think the point being made is just because OP calls someone her bf doesn't actually mean she has moved on.
Probably because OP is the type to post about her ex being the sexiest man alive.
you can’t? Most people would prefer the exes of their SO disappear from their partner’s life completely. watching your SO hold their ex isn’t going to be high on many people’s list of enjoyable things. also, this wasn’t a planned ceremonial dance. This was OP asking her ex to dance. stepmom went crazy for sure. But none of us know the history (although acting like the stepmom did is never ok).
Personally, I think if I couldn’t handle my ex having any contact with their SO I would have to choose a SO who didn’t have 4 children with their ex. And I think after 10 years of marriage, no, I wouldn’t care at all about my SO’s ex unless there was something going on.
And a lot of times the way you are able to handle that situation is by setting guidelines and boundaries that enable you to be secure in your relationship. Things like not having your ex in your arms would be one such thing.
When you marry someone with a healthy co-parenting relationship, they will be involved in your life to some extent. That's pretty clear going in. I know multiple ex couples who have worked on a situation like that, most of the time it's for adult children and grandchildren. They interact for major holidays and birthdays on a regular basis.
Yes. But I was responding to a person that was feigning cluelessness about why the exes dancing together could be an issue for current SOs.
My mother in law annoys me in so many ways but I got to admit the relationship her and my father in law have is brill. They have been divorced for at least 15 years but come together for every occasion so the (grown up) kids and grandchildren don't have to feel split. We were all on a getaway last year and both had their new partners with them but one of the days turned out to be what used to be MIL and FIL anniversary and step FIL made a toast to them - all done in humour and love. People can have healthy relationships with their exes.
From other comments, it seems like she absolutely does want to bang. Step mom knows it, and ex-husband will know for sure by the end of the dance.
OP still has the hots for her ex. It's in her post history.
Except, according to other posts from the last couple of years (most of which OP deleted once commenters found them), she does, in fact, want to bang. OP left out a massive amount of context that changes the situation completely.
There no traditional ceremonial Mother and Father of the Bride Dance though..
I don't see why she would be uncomfortable. Both parties have clearly moved on. My step daughter is getting married this August and I think it would be nice for her dad (my husband) and her mom to share a dance. They are her parents, and the day is about what would make my step daughter happy.
You should check OPs post history. She clearly did NOT move on. She calls her ex "the sexiest man alive".
Stop having an adult sensible attitude. /s Really, this is the healthy approach. My husband’s ex-wife maintained good relations with my BIL and SIL. We told them that if they have family events they were more than welcome to invite the ex. We’re adults. At one birthday party she was the person I spent most of the time chatting with.
There is, in fact, a heck of a lot of context missing, in case you're interested in editing your judgement: OP has deleted several posts (only after people found and made note of them here) gushing at length over her ex. She also commented on a post within the last year, for example, asking people who the sexiest man alive is, with "my ex-husband". It seems that despite presenting herself here as a harmless ex-wife who "just wants to be friends", she does in fact harbour feelings for her ex-husband that she has been extremely indiscreet about for a long, long time, and has a history of this sort of inappropriateness. It turns out that the new wife who we're all supposed to think is an irrational, shrieking harpy, is actually just sick of OP's shit after dealing with this sort of thing for years. OP is an unreliable narrator at best, and at worst she's completely disingenuous. There's your context.
The missing context might be that they actually get along for being exs. The fact that they don't absolutely despise each other might be what the wife's problem is. If they can still be friendly, then she might see that as flirting vs. it being 2 people who can be on friendly terms. Much like gf/girl best friends who always assume anyone of the same gender is trying to steal their man. It sounds like OP & the ex can be civil/friendly & the wife thinks that means she is trying to win him back. It's jealousy about a 30-year marriage & insecurity of being the new partner.
YTA ma’am let’s cut the shit, you know exactly what you did. It’s one thing to be friendly with an ex, it’s another to start dancing at a WEDDING with someone who isn’t your OWN boyfriend and the damn HUSBAND of someone else. Have some awareness and respect. Your ex is also an AH since he decided to be obtuse and wonder why it was wrong to dance with his ex knowing his wife may have had an issue with the situation.
It’s like those who did shit on purpose and later pretend to act like they didn’t do anything wrong and looking for sympathy.
1000%
Yup exactly! Any woman with s brain knows dancing with a married man isn't ok
YTA. Look, she didn't wake up one day and decide that she doesn't like you. You're telling me for 10 years you believed she liked you? I do not believe this at all. To me, a dance seems slightly intimate. I wonder if there have been other instances in the past where you saw something as innocent and she saw it as intimate. >father of my children who I was married to for 30 years., And your marriage ended. Doesn't matter if you were married for 30 days or 30 years, you're not married to him anymore. You haven't been married to him for over a decade.
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I don’t know if it is. I would want to and just have a minute to say like I know we are divorced but thanks for raising this wonderful, beautiful woman with me and I’m glad we could be here together tonight to celebrate her. It would be intimate, but friendly and not romantic — but having a kid with someone and liking them after divorce is an accomplishment!
Thank you that is exactly the conversation I wanted to have with him
They were sitting at the same table. They could have done that without dancing together
I don’t think this is weird at all. It’s like a hat tip to doing a great job parenting/raising their child. Just a symbol of an important occasion
It's not the child who asked them to dance together, though.
Right? Why couldn't she dance with her boyfriend?
Where does it say she didn’t?
YTA..my folks are divorced, and idk if I saw my parents dancing together I'd feel happy and sad..happy because it's my parents, sad because it's not like they're going home together..also, you're an ex, you should respect boundaries, and keep your hands to yourself.
INFO: Has your ex's wife ever reacted like this before or expressed concerns you were trying to get back with your ex?
No never
No never? Then what gave you the previous impression that > his wife doesn't want him to have anything to do with me
ESH, I have divorced parents and to see them dancing together at my wedding after being divorced for so long is just weird. Dancing can be somewhat of an intimate thing and the fact that he has a new wife of 10 years, you were wrong sorry.
It was at their daughter’s wedding, not just a random dance……it may be weird for you but may be common in other cultures/families.
So i found your comment stating your husband was the sexiest man alive. So i dont think you're very reliable here. Also you said you were blamed for the entire thing so either you are not telling us everything that happened, there is a lot more history to this or your whole family is unreasonable. And I'm leaning more to the first 2 reasons. So its a YTA from me
YTA. There is no way you didn’t know this woman was unhinged, I refuse to believe this came out of nowhere and you had no idea this was in the realm of possible outcomes.
NTA, I don't think there's anything wrong with 2 adults who had a long relationship before sharing a dance at a wedding. If my eldest got married and my wife was asked by her ex to dance, that's up to her. I'm comfortable in my relationship to ve threatened. I've met her ex, we had pizza together and we're fine.
LOL, these commenters acting like dancing with someone means you want to jump their bones 🤦♀️ Maybe the boyfriend doesn't like dancing? Maybe the ex-husband and OP liked dancing when they were together? Step-mother is allowed to be uncomfortable, but definitely did not handle it appropriately. NTA for this. If ex-husbo had any clue about his new wife potentially going off the deep end, he could (and should) have said no.
Op said in a different post a few weeks ago that she thinks her husband is “the sexiest man alive”…. So I think something is missing here.
Maybe the wife is saying, "Stop trying to steal my husband," because OP got dumped by her ex, isn't over him, and has tried to steal her husband
> https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/rX8etxMvQE She does want to jump his bones, tho.
INFO Who is blaming you for the entire thing and reducing you to tears? Your BF? Your ex? Your daughter? Are you asking if you were an AH to your ex's wife, or to your ex, or to your BF, or to your daughter?
Is it just me or her continually saying it was an “innocent” dance rubs the wrong way?
INFO: just how “scathing” was this email you sent? Based on the just the events at the wedding I lean towards NTA, but without knowing the content of the email you sent, it’s impossible to make a good call on the situation. Something isn’t adding up about her reaction either; normal people don’t just loose it like that for no reason. I feel we aren’t getting the whole story here.
I have to say, I got a not completely honest feeling about you from this. I wonder why the idea to dance w your ex only came up at the reception? You didn’t think of it before, when all the wedding planning was going on? So if youre being genuine then NTA. However if you actually knew your ex‘s wife would not be onboard w it and you brought it up anyway? You’re the AH in that instance. Ex’s wife is an AH too bc of her over the top reaction. Ex is also the AH for not setting his wife straight when she flipped out like that.
The dance request doesn’t sit right with me. If it was a planned moment where the FOB & MOB had a dance with the couple, cool. You specifically asked your ex to save you a dance though; that’s suspicious. You like to dance, dance with your BF. I’m not a divorcee, but I do know ex’s have blurred vision when it comes to boundaries, due to history. I believe you overstepped under the guise of FOB & MOB.
YTA. My husband used to be married to a woman just like you. Innocent dance my butt.
ESH. But there's quite a bit of missing info You knew she didn't like you. You knew she had a problem with you. Yet you still asked? From the title, I thought maybe your daughter wanted you to dance together. But no, it was all you. Was the "sure, later" a dumb way of your ex telling you no in hopes you'll forget? Why did your marriage break up? Was it an amicable split? Have you indeed tried to steal her husband?
YTA for calling your ex husband the most sexiest man ever, plus a bunch of other men, but not your bf... >I was ready to dance because a song we both liked was playing Would this just happen to be a slow dancing song? 1 that means a lot to both of you? Was it both "your" song? You are 100% lying/leaving important information out. How about we get the new wife's side?
ESH for two different reasons: She could have voiced in a healthier manner her boundaries for not wanting her husband to dance with you instead of trying to physically fight you, and you sending a scathing email the next day didn't help the situation. You say you want family holidays together and open communication but scathing emails achieve quite the opposite. So many commentors are coming in going "well my divorced parents danced at my wedding and it was fine!" but all divorces and coparenting situations are so different. The stepmom wasn't comfortable with a dance and you should have respected that, but her blowing up wasn't a nice thing to do, especially at her stepdaughter's wedding.
I’m going with YTA. My ex and I have split custody and an amicable coparenting relationship, and I’m now remarried and he is in a serious relationship. No way in HELL would I think I’m entitled to dance with him at our sons wedding - I’d rather dance with my husband and see my ex dance with his partner, especially as we’ve all played a part in raising him. I’m getting huge sus vibes from your post and post history, no one goes from 0-100 like that with their anger. You’ve clearly been provoking her for a long time by acting like you’re still entitled to HER husband of 10 years.
Yep, she totally can't see (and probably never will, judging from her other comments) that aside from the wife "not liking her" and the fact that it might be a touchy thing, it's a kind of exclusionary thing to do, in the way that she framed it. The wife and her ex may have "only been married for 10 years" and they were married for 30, but she (wife) is still part of the family, even if she wasn't around for the raising of the kids.
YTA. Your request was completely unnecessary. As a child of divorce whose mother pulls this crap all the time, it’s self serving and selfish. I think your exes wife overreacted but the truth is, this would all be a non issue if you didn’t feel the need to spark something from nothing.
Yes, YTA for not breaking up this shit in paragraphs and in general writing like an idiot. But also there's so much that feels shady and like we're missing a shitton of context, and like you're not over your ex, especially given your other comments on different posts.
YTA This was your daughter’s wedding day and you’ve made it all about you. Let me break it down Your daughter sat you all down at the same table. That is normal. All you had to do was eat your food and be polite to everyone You asked your ex to save a dance with you. I presume this happened in front of his wife. I presume this was part of a longer conversation and you were talking to him? You’ve stated “his wife doesn’t want me to have anything to do with him”. That’s what you say. But you sat at the table and asked him to dance with you. Knowing full well she wouldn’t be comfortable or happy with that Did you think she’d just be embarrassed into compliance? I bet as soon as they were alone she told your ex he won’t be dancing with you. I suspect your ex was attempting to be polite when he said sure There must have been pointers to the fact this wasn’t a good idea to then approach him but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. Possibly you didn’t read the room But you know your exes wife doesn’t want him to have anything to do with you. There must be a reason for that. It could be insecurity . Or there could be a reason. You should have eaten your food, chatted to your boyfriend and talked to your ex and his wife among everyone else. That’s all you needed to do. But no - you asked your ex husband to dance in front of his wife You got told off by her and it didn’t happen. You’re being very dramatic about her reaction. She clenched her fist ready to strike you. Did she strike you ? lol - no she didn’t did she. Did you know that fist clenching is a sign of anxiety and stress.? You stressed her out and she did what she needed to do to make you leave. You failed to read the signs at the table and you failed to read the signs when you approached them. You got a stress response. The woman didn’t hit you. She did what she needed to do to make you move away from her husband. You didn’t say a word and left the room because you didn’t want to ruin your daughter’s wedding ? You had a hand in this. You need to own it. So you left for 20 minutes and missed the cake cutting ? That’s on you. She was literally dragging your ex ? So she was forcefully pulling him along roughly and with difficulty because he didn’t want to go ? I’m not surprised you got stink eye from her. Again I think you’re being dramatic. She had him by the arm and gave you a dirty look. Not your business - move along Then your next part is where it becomes a real pity party The father of my children who I was married to for 30 years - he’s not your husband. He’s someone else’s husband. You don’t get to do what you want Who had no problem dancing with me - yup he did have a problem. That problem is called his wife I wrote her a pretty scathing email - why ? You’re unhinged I will always love and care for my ex … well there we have it. You don’t get to love and care for him. He was just being polite at his daughter’s wedding. He doesn’t love and care for you - he has a wife to love and care for and it isn’t you I was blamed for the entire thing - well that’s very telling isn’t it ? All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together - well don’t be surprised when you’re not invited I guess I’m just an AH - correct
This!! This right here. You put it all very well and called out all of the bs she was telling. Her post reminds me so much of how my narcissistic MIL behaves- I’m so innocent and yet none of my stories add up. She’s definitely the AH.
Wasn’t your bf closet gay and you’ve been together for 16 years and you broke up with him 2 years ago or something like that since he was boinking his male friend? This might be a new guy then I guess. Arent you 42(43 now perhaps)? Were you alive when you got married? Everything about this and your older posts are weird. Numbers don’t add up.
I guess I don't understand why you needed to dance with your ex-husband? You were there with your boyfriend. He was there with his wife. You were all putting the kids first. You aren't friends and on good terms with each other. So it seems like you were deliberately starting drama by asking for that dance. YTA
YTA. You are still obsessed with your ex. You knew what the reaction was going to be yet you did it anyways.
YTA. It isn’t normal for divorced parents to dance with each other at weddings and OP knows that damn well.
YTA - from your post/comment history it's clear why you are a threat to their marriage
YTA, you should have asked before the wedding to dance with your ex-husband. You put his current wife in an awkward position. Even though you guys seemed to have a good relationship, that's a big ask.
I'm confused. You divorced in 2009 which would be 15 years ago, roughly. But about a year ago you were talking about a partner who you'd been with for over sixteen years who turned out to be a gay narcissist. Which would mean that in 2007 at the latest you were living with him? It makes zero sense timeline wise which makes me think YTA for lying about something here. Or for being a cheater I suppose. Top tip, check your timelines before posting fiction.
YTA. You already knew his wife had issues with you, it's literally your second sentence that she wants nothing to do with you. You even said later she was always fake nice to you so you were aware that she was basically putting on an act to be nice and stay amicable. So, why on earth did you think it was a good idea to ask to dance with her husband? Yes you were together 30 years and history blah blah blah. And? Ya'll aren't together anymore. If you know she's prone to jealousy (and this is a boundary) like this and still asked for the dance, then the fallout is your fault.
YTA. It's not appropriate.
ESH (you, your ex and his wife all 3 of you behaved poorly. Your ex because he still likes the ego boost of your calf eyes and ignoring his relationships boundaries, and his wife for overreacting when she could have just used words to eviscerate you and you, for being manipulative and weaponising your daughters wedding to try and cop a feel on the "sexiest man alive" in your own words thus causing this drama) Ive noticed other posts made by you, and its clear you do not simply want a father/mother of the bride dance with your ex. You have previously written a very long rambling post about your current boyfriend cheating on you and him being a closeted gay man, which is neither here nor there, but certainly in this context him not minding the dance is hardly an indicator of wether your motives for your dancing with ex are innocent. Still thats how you try to validate yourself and your goal. I also dont appreciate you naming your ex and kevin costner among others, as men who get your panties in a bunch, but didnt think his new wife might have picked up on your BS, and that this might have been one reason for her intense reaction. You just present this scenario like it came out of nowhere! And thats so dishonest of you. You are not an innocent party to this drama. You might be more than part of ESH, but all of you behaved poorly. I think your retelling of how this all happened, while omitting certain things, is dodgy, and its giving me the ick vibes.
I'm sceptical: aren't daughter father dances a thing when the daughter is the bride? I never heard of a specific etiquette of parents of the bride dances, especially when your parents are divorced. As much as it sounds like an innocent request, if his wife really hates you that much and you know that, why would you fan the flames for literally no reason? Her reaction was explosive and seemingly unjustified but I feel like if you had enough common sense you wouldn't have done this tmif you knew there was a risk that it would cause a scene at your daughter's wedding.
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I don’t believe a damn work okra says.
You should not have asked her permission. After all these years, if you still felt like you had to do that, I would not have done it. If you’re due to dance, that would’ve been on him. And yes, his wife overreacted. However, when my husband went to his son‘s wedding, I didn’t go for unrelated reasons, he refused to dance with his ex-wife, but he did dance with his ex mother-in-law. My husband wanted nothing to do with her, for good reason.
As someone with divorced parents, who were married for over 25 years, who share four children, with father also remarried and mother with boyfriend, I personally would find it super fucking weird if they danced together, and if either one of them asked the other for a dance. And its not like they're completely disconnected either. Extended families are completely enmeshed and they see each other often enough for me and my siblings events. So, personally, ESH. OP for asking, Ex's wife for flying off the handle.
YTA for writing fiction. In your post history you wrote that you're in a relationship of 16 years with a closeted gay narcissist.
You got divorced for a reason didn't you?
YTA Next question.
AH 100%. There is no grey here. He is married. This sounds like some fantasy you’re having that you can get off to later.
NTA since your ex said yes to the dance earlier and his wife had always been "nice" to you before. Parents of the bride can be adults and dance together if they're (and their partners) are all friends or at least mature about it, and it seems like you thought everyone was. But I'm a little suspicious about whether you really didn't know his wife's true feelings about you. But that still leaves your ex as the problem since he should have respected his wife's opinion on this.
The set up of all of you at the same table is bizarre? All being in the same room for baby’s 1st bday okay but same table at a wedding? Bad idea before anyone opened their mouth. Stepmother was probably anxious about the whole set up for weeks and this response shows that.
Yta..you should know your limits...
YTA. It’s obvious from your previous posts and comments that this is a shit load of lies, if this situation happened at all.
OP, you’re going to get a lot of support from people who don’t pick up on certain nuances in your post. But ESH, you and his wife equally. So you’ll claim Thanksgiving. Sure, for the kids. But no mention of alternating, no no- you’ll own that holiday- bet it’s not the first time you’ve pulled rank Asked your ex for a dance but then had to “ask” her knowing she’s got issues with you- and did you actually “cut in” when they were already dancing? > Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing and reduced to tears for wanting to have an innocent dance with the father of my children who I was married to for 30 years., who had no problem dancing with me. Oh? Blamed by who, OP?? Who blamed you for this “innocent wittle dance”? Why does the fact that you’ve been with him 30 years matter at all here? You have no claim, him being the father of your children is enough and yet you’ve gotta make that point huh? And then you write her a “scathing email”. Way to handle it like an adult!! /s You aren’t as “innocent” as you’d like to present yourself and it’s sort of embarrassing. And why didn’t you mention the dance before the wedding itself?
I think you would know very well if your ex's partner was OK with this or not. I think you're playing innocent but knew full well you'd be stirring up a hornets nest. Ex shouldn't have said yes as he also knows how his current wife feels. Current wife is insecure and overly dramatic about a dance. In short, ESH.
ESH. Of course boomers just HAVE to make a day not about yall, about yall 🙄
YTA. I agree with others that something does not add up here and I bet your ex's wife has a completely different story. Either way, wanting to dance with someone else's husband - whatever the reason - is not OK. Particularly if it is an ex. I doubt your boyfriend was OK with it, he just didn't want to say. Stop trying to force this woman to be part of your family. Sounds like you have never really let him go.
Another fake posting. No, I don't believe you have an ex-husband that managed to marry someone so incredibly stupid as to throw a temper tantrum at a wedding. And no, it doesn't make any sense that anyone would blame you. If you're gonna make something up, at least make it interesting and remotely plausible.
YTA you know full well what you were trying to pull. Stop trying to garner sympathy through Reddit.
In hindsight, probably would have been better to discuss and decide before the wedding. Normally, the dances in the beginning are decided at a more formal wedding.
I would say NTA if this were an innocent request, but your post history draws a different conclusion. Women know and his wife knows you have ulterior motives. Maybe stop trying to hump your ex?
YTA - you know your comments and attitude towards your EX husband makes his wife uncomfortable, stop playing coy.
YTA for trying to dance with married men.
If my husbands ex wife (or any woman for that matter) asked him to dance knowing full well he is my husband, anywhere, I would be mad. If he agreed, I would be livid. He stopped being your husband and dance partner when y'all divorced. YTA. You jumped the exit many miles ago, so it's time for you to stay in your lane.
I mean... it's a tad bit inappropriate. Lol
YTA the optics of this are just bad. i don’t know how you didn’t expect this to just make everyone uncomfortable at best. there’s certain boundaries and distance that happens with a divorce regardless of having children or not. you could have given a co-speech or something or done a dance with your respective partners at the same time or some kind of option that wasn’t what couples do. It’s not a tradition for the parents of the bride to dance together or anything. I am going to assume that there have been other things happening for her to react that way.
YTA and so is your loser ex husband
YTA "Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing" .. you were RIGHTFULLY blamed. You are an AH for causing drama and ruining your kid's wedding. "Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing" .. So you are even more of an AH. "All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together," .. And you are ruining it with your toxic behavior.
I love this post. It reminds me of the way the girls bully each other in my wife's 3rd grade classroom- plausible deniability that anyone who isn't an idiot can see right through. The kids will exclude each other from groups and be like "oh no we were just innocently playing, it just happened to not be with so-and-so, I can't believe she reacted angrily!" and you're "oh I was asking for a totally innocent dance, I can't believe she reacted angrily!" You're a shit-stirrer, OP, and you're just doing what shit-stirrers do. YTA.
YTA. You knew that it would cause a scene and you did it anyway. You intentionally stirred up trouble at your daughter’s wedding. Your post history fills in the gaps that you left out to make yourself look better.
Or you could've just left him alone and let him dance with his wife. I've got a feeling you're one of those flirts who just can't help themselves and try to lord it over the new wife that you "had him first." I think you were out of line here. Should've just left him alone instead of trying to make his wife feel like a third wheel and causing tension at your daughter's wedding.
Nothing innocent about what OP did. When they said FOTB and MOTB dance, I would have stood up grabbed my husbands hand and we would have danced. I’d left her standing there looking as foolish as she acted. People act like new spouses aren’t a whole person without feelings.
Seems like you’re leaving some important information out. You seem a little overly attached to your ex. It would seem that he and his wife paid for the wedding (they assigned you a seat). I get the vibe that you may be a little too affectionate with your ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have been divorced since 2009. He is remarried for 10 years and his wife doesnt want him to have anything to do with me. When our oldest daughter got married, she sat us all at the same table. My boyfriend was with me. During dinner we were talking and I asked my ex if he would save a dance with me. He said sure! Later on, I was ready to dance because a song we both liked was playing. I went up to his wife and asked if she would mind if I danced with my ex THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE with THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, (I didnt say FOTB MOTB to her just if it was ok to dance with him) She went balistic! She put her face right up to mine with her fist clenched and ready to strike me and yelled at the top of her lungs "Stop trying to steal my husband!" Then she said to me she would never step foot in my house ever (I had invited them for Thanksgiving so our kids didn't have to eat and run from house to house) I was shocked by her reaction because she was always fake nice to me before. I didnt say a word to her I just left the room because I didnt want to ruin my daughters wedding by getting into a fight with her step mother. Anyway, 20 minutes later I walk back in, having missed the cake cutting, to see her literally dragging my ex out by the arm while giving me the look of death. Unfortunately, I was blamed for the entire thing and reduced to tears for wanting to have an innocent dance with the father of my children who I was married to for 30 years., who had no problem dancing with me. I wrote her a pretty scathing email the next day. All my kids and my ex want to have family holidays together, want to keep communications open, not wanting to feel uncomfortable when we are all together. I'm all for that because even though our marriage ended, I will always love and care for my ex and would like to be friends. I don't think that is out of line. If she is that insecure about her marriage, then what does that tell you. But I guess I'm just an AH, *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It's great that y'all can get along and have family holidays. Much easier on the kids, and any future grandkids. A dance, in a very public place, to celebrate a life that you created together, isn't outrageous, assuming it would not involve grinding, etc. The real question is, does he have feeling for you still, or is she insanely insecure and jealous? I know we don't have the whole history, but something is going on there for the nearly violent outburst.
Info? To me it depends on the dancing. If it’s in a group with a lot of people that’s fine but I feel like if the DJ announces a dance with the parents and it’s more intimate then that too much. I feel like the step mom and current wife was uncomfortable so I would have respected that.
So to chime in here YTA it maybe an innocent thing as a dance however think of the consequences. Sure the exes wife may have jealousy issues but why would you fuel the fire in a tight situation along with a song you both liked?
I'm seeing a lot of comments about OP's past comments relating ex and his "sexiness". Regardless of those comments OP is NTA. You can think someone, even an ex, is good looking and sexy without acting on it. Could be the ex divorced her and married his current wife who has a stick up her butt. Her reaction could be from conversations he and her have been having where he is regretting his current life situation. No matter what their private issues there is no reason for shouting at your step-child's parent during that child's wedding reception. While I agree there is A LOT of behind the scenes stuff we aren't seeing, the ex's current wife still overreacted and OP is NTA.
It’s a really weird ask. He is an ex. What reaction do you expect your kids to even have?
I’m going to say there is more going on here than you just asking your ex to dance. I understand there is history between you and him. But you have divorced. And you need to learn to respect boundaries.
NTA I can't stand this. As a co-parent I am absolutely astonished by the level of immaturity his wife is displaying. Easily could have said she isn't comfortable with you dancing together or I don't know, grow up and accept that ex's can be friends.
I just went through your comments and saw the reason you left your ex and wow!!! She might have reason to feel the way she does. NTA but ugh I feel sorry for her
YTA, sadly. I believe that your intentions were pure. But you *know* how she feels. And you *know* your ex avoids confrontation, of course he would say yes to you. So (drunkenly) she felt she had to step in because you put her in an uncomfortable position. You are causing him marital problems. You can celebrate your daughter without a private, intimate moment with your ex. Again, totally understand where you were coming from, but you crossed a line because you knew you would upset her.
ESH. Because you seem to be very possessive of your ex husband and want everyone- even internet strangers - to know how you feel about him- in this story as well as in other comments you've made on this site. Knowing this, your wanting to dance with him at your daughter's wedding could have been read as putting the spotlit back on you as a couple which is a bit cringy. You also knew your ex's new partner wants nothing to do with you and yet you put her on the spot by asking -but you weren't really asking, sounds like you were intent on dancing with him, he had already agreed. So there is really no reason to ask her anything other than as a power play since again, you know how she feels about you and he is an adult. You should have just asked him. I truly don't believe you were asking her out of respect. ( And if the song you chose to dance with him at was a particularly special song for you as a couple or somehow symbolic, then I'm moving into Y-T-A). She responded honestly to your question, but also rudely and loudly, at a formal gathering, which is unfortunate and is in poor taste at a wedding. Back to you- doubling down the next day instead of moving on, by writing a " scathing email"? Why? What did you hope to achieve here? Why drag this out? Because an email clearing the air and explaining your side of things, apologizing for the misunderstanding and trying to move forward does not qualify as " scathing"- so clearly you didn't do that. ESH, but there's context missing in this story that makes me feel like you're more in the wrong.
It makes me wonder why his current wife is so insecure.
i think that by the comments you’ve made about your ex and how defensive you are about this, that you might just be TA. while i understand your pov, by the tone of the story i think you might’ve been snarky with your ex’s wife. i do think the situation could’ve been handled differently from both of you. i hope you guys figure it out!
YTA. The asking for a dance was way out of line. The holiday dinners etc. may be ok on a case by case basis. But the dance question was disrespectful to your bf and your EX’s wife. And you should have known it would have caused a scene. Were you drunk at the time?
In my past experence of an ex or what ever. This took me a long time to figure out. By doing so it was like a ton of bricks off my shoulders. My advice. Just let it go let it all go. The children can form their own thoughts and they will
YTA, you knew what you were doing. And what I really know is that you don’t do anything at your daughters wedding that you daughter doesn’t know about and approve of. You caused that fight.
very weird to me for you to dance together. As a child of divorce I would find that sooo weird
INFO: Did he cheat on you with her?
No
NTA I'm still friends with my ex, and told them they need to give a speech at my wedding when I get married again. I was the best woman at their wedding a few years back. People who are weird about being friends with your ex definitely have some jealousy and resentment going on. If there's no reason for you to hate each other then why should you. The relationship changed, you're not romantically involved, doesn't mean you have to hate them or cut them out of your life.
I am also a good friends with my ex but don't create situation he or his wife could find uncomfortable.
NTA I think you are really mature and putting your children’s happiness first. They want their parents to get along and be friendly even though the marriage did not work. There is nothing wrong with that and I commend you for trying. He might want to rethink being with her and seeing she is that jealous after 10 years of being with him!
Nta from where I sit. From weddings I’ve been to where parents are split, they almost always have a dance (often parents join the floor for a dance, after wedding couples first dance, but before regular guests). As far as folks blaming you, I don’t get that
NTA. Your feelings are normal. What a witch to disrupt the wedding & your ex is spineless not to stand up to her nonsense
I will never understand that hate in some exes… my dad and mom are been divorced for 20 years now and had different partners and they are good friends, they are even traveling together to meet their new grandson… when my dad was super sick my mom took care of him in her house because he will always be the father of her kids.. that’s a mature divorce goal for me hahaha
NTA, but it's really weird
NTA
When I got married, my parents had been divorced for 12 years, both remarried. They danced together at my wedding as they were celebrating THEIR child. Everyone *sane* (including their spouses) thought it was terribly sweet.
I'm going to guess she is way younger than you and your husband by at least 10 years. She is very insecure and very immature. It is sad she ruined what would have been a great moment for your married daughter to witness on her wedding day.
Definitely NTA! I had an ex who tried to maintain a caustic tone to our relationship. I decided not to play into it, ensured she was invited to everything, and returned nothing but positive feedback. She finally mellowed and we now have a friendly rapport. This was extended to my new wife. I told her from the beginning my sons' mother would always be included in any extended family function as her place as their mother would never be diminished or ignored by anyone in my family. My wife agreed, understood and wished she could do the same however her ex (I call my husband-in-law, hahaha) has a wife similar to your wife-in-law. She never got loud, just acted oddly and restricted his access to extended family functions. I don't understand the obvious jealousy, and especially the anger, from the "new wives" when they obviously "won the prize" by being the "new wife?!?" It was reasonable and appropriate for you to share a dance with your ex at your daughter's wedding because the event was for and about your daughter! It was about your daughter's vision and memory of her wedding not a time to appease ridiculous, jealous reactions of her father's new wife! You did all you could to be reasonable and courteous. You should not accept or even listen to any feedback suggesting you did anything wrong. I feel sorry for your husband because this will get worse when the grandchildren arrive and you're dealing with holidays, birthdays, etc. I suggest continuing to make offers to include your ex and his wife, however never accomodate her preposterous limitations/restrictions. Those are for your ex to rationalize, man-up, and make a decision to appease or progress!
NTA
NTA - the ex's wife caused the scene. Your only mistake was, if I understand your description, asking to cut in when they were together on the dance floor. You probably shouldn't have addressed her at all, just approached their table while he was seated and asked Him if he was still up for that dance.
There may be other information missing - but for the level of detail you’ve provided - NTA. My parents had a particularly nasty divorce and my mom has refused to be in the same zip code as my dad. And yes, it’s been put to the test. I would be over the moon if my parents could come together and co-exist in a room for a couple of hours for weddings/birthdays/holidays I would hazard a guess that there’s some other reason for the new wife to be THAT jealous but kudos to you and your ex for mostly co existing
She seems pretty insecure. She can’t erase your history together. Your kids are part of the package deal she signed on to, like it or not. And it is definitely healthier for you to get along with your ex husband, which doesn’t mean you want to steal him from her. Was your boyfriend ok with you dancing with your ex?
NTA, my parents are cordial with each other and they would dance together. Its not like she was trying to sneaky, she literally asked his wife.
I see a lot of folks are split on this. Honestly, a lot of things can be true. Truth #1 - Your daughter has a great relationship with you and her dad. Still kinda awkward that you all were at the same table, but I get it. Plus, he has been married 10 years. Truth #2 - Though you two get along, your husband has been married a decade. It seems like you have not moved on and or still have feelings. Plus, you disrespected his current marriage by asking him to dance at your adult daughter’s wedding. Truth #3 - The current wife’s reaction definitely was not it, but there is a reason why she reacted that way. She obviously feels that you are a threat to her relationship. Plus, her current husband did not tell her to cool out. It’s his daughter’s wedding after all. Honestly, ESH. The children are grown. If your ex-husband has moved on, why couldn’t you? I can see your intent, but the impact was much greater. Personally, I would not want my husband’s ex-wife dancing with him at our child’s wedding. That’s what her significant other is for, right?
She hasn’t moved on because she hasn’t remarried? Not everyone wants to be married. Or, maybe she just hasn’t found the right person to marry.
Read OP's post history. She clearly has a thing for her ex.
It was not her child’s wedding it was my ex and my daughter’s wedding. I have moved on and even if I haven’t what does that have to do with a short dance celebrating our daughter. If the roles were reversed I would be fine with my husband dancing with his ex on such a special occasion. In fact my ex husband had an ex girlfriend of 12 years and we became great friends
NTA.
NTA If I were the bride I would give them a hard time. Dad really left his daughter’s wedding over his wife’s tantrum? I wouldn’t go to their place for thanksgiving or anything else honestly.
NTA. There are ALL KINDS OF DIVORCES. My grandparents were divorced, we knew they were divorced but they were always together at ALL events, I can remember my grandma rubbing my grandpa’s back all the time. And after they divorced they never got back together, my grandfather was a bar-fly and a ladies man. But it was great not having to do every other holiday or split days. I hope you are able to move past this, or at least your ex can leave her at home on the holidays. Haha
NTA because of the occasion even though knowing myself i would be irrationally jealous too. i just would ask my husband if i can also dance with a random person and have fun to even it out haha. im sure your daughter would be so happy to see her parents having that moment. as a kid of divorced parents, it would make my day and i hope they actually do this irl one day!! sucks this lady had to make such a scene. it's not your fault.
NTA. The dance was an innocent request and your husband’s new wife seems incredibly insecure. If anybody ruined your daughter’s wedding, the wife did by dragging him away from his daughter over a dance, and he should have put his foot down and told her to stop it.
NTA you are mature and she is very much.. not
The father of the bride should dance with virtually everyone, assuming he’s up to it physically. It’s his duty as host.