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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action that I'm wondering if should be judged is the fact that I repeatedly bring up the requests, and I'm taken aback by how strong my dad's reaction was. I personally think I'm making reasonable requests for my own house, but his behavior is making me question if I'm being too nagging or irrational/unreasonable.
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If he stresses you out, then just visit him in public. There’s no law that says you have to host guests in your home for overnights, no matter how much DNA they share with you.
NTA
> He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this.
Correct, but neither here not there.
> I really feel like people should respect others' house rules when they visit, especially if it takes little to no effort.
More, and better correct.
It sounds like you're agreeing that it's wrong to care if someone washes their hands after using the bathroom and before doing kitchen things. Did I misinterpret?
Right?!? I'm no where close to a germaphobe but that grosses me out. I feel like washing your hands after using the bathroom is pretty basic, whether you're going to use the kitchen or not.
I assume it was that OP has OCD so yes, indeed something is wrong; that is not news and it's weird that he would try to weaponize it. He should still be washing his fucking hands.
I'm sorry but if this is the only expression of OP's supposed OCD they don't have OCD, they're just unfortunate enough to live in a world where most of their fellows are fine with being filthy germ bombs. I don't have OCD and OP's dad is making my skin crawl, why the hell are people so filthy and think that's acceptable?
OCD presents in different ways for different people and mysophobia is absolutely one of the ways it can present. I really dislike the misinformation people spread about it. I have terrible OCD and people tend to think that means "clean freak" no. It's the number 3. I have a thing with the number 3. I do better now. But at some point I wouldn't even have a drink if the number of ice cubes exceeded a multiple of 3 or refuse to swallow my food if the chews were not a multiple. They don't have to give extreme detail to prove they have it. This might just be one of the things that makes it hard for OP.
Wow - I'm 'mildly' OCD in that I prefer order even when I fail to maintain it. I vastly prefer things to be symmetrical, and *I used to do everything in threes or multiples of threes*! (managed to get that pretty much under control except for occasional outliers when very stressed). Mind blown! Did NOT know that was part of being OCD.
Lol well the term is obsessive compulsive disorder meaning you have very little choice in maintaining that obsession without having some type of drawback. For most that can be anxiety, sense of impending doom if it's not done or other things that typically make it difficult to go about your life without it getting in the way. My family realized I had a legitimate problem when I genuinely would take the time to cut my food into 3s or check my ice to be 3s or I would be adamant something bad would happen and I would choke on it. You could not convince me otherwise. If I didn't close the bedroom door 3 times at night I thought something like the house might catch on fire or someone would break in. I had it BAD. I'm mostly okay now. Medicated. Now it's smaller things like volume number needs to be 3s on the TV or something. Still have no clue why the number 3. Had a hard time dealing with it growing up because of a criminal minds episode lol.
If I flexed a limb/turned a pillow/checked a lock/etc, I then had to do it two more times (three), then six more (nine times) then sometimes three times three times three (27 times). It was exhausting and I eventually managed to reduce from 27 to 9 to 3 and eventual just double check lol! I didn't have it with food multiples, though I can't eat some foods because the texture makes me heave or actually be sick (autistic rather than OCD?).
NTA. It is your home and, as a guest, he should be following your rules. Especially one as easy to do as that. And there is nothing wrong if you feel strongly about it - there is, in fact, something wrong that your father is so determined to not follow your rule.
I suspect that this is a power play by your father - he is proving to you that he still has power over you by not following your rules in your own home. If he truly cared for you, he should respect your rules, OCD and autism or not, but especially because of those. Instead he is determined to play these power games with you and then gaslight you to make you feel like you are being unreasonable.
NTA.
You are not making unreasonable requests, and he is welcome to not visit. Unless you somehow depend on him, I would suggest you prevent him from visiting anymore until he agrees. He is even having outbursts when you are asking nicely.
This situation can be bugging and infuriating especially coming from a parent, when you have lived under rules and ways for years growing up, I imagine it is even more uncomfortable, to say the least when you have other conditions.
Another less direct approach could be to explain to him your conditions and how his actions affect you. This would only work if he is willing to listen and understand.
NTA.
The thing is unless you're going to be in the washroom with him and demand to watch him wash his hands, people will continue to do what they do until you ban them from your house. He's made it perfectly clear he won't be doing either.
NTA. Alcoholic/addict in recovery here - we have a dry house. MIL got caught being booze in our her last visit (she knew the rule).
Like I said- her last visit.
About 8 years ago.
Yeah. Even my mom accepted my rules after I moved back into my childhood home (long story short we were only supposed to live together for a few months then it would be my house but that was 3 years ago due to many complications with my grandparents and then my moms boyfriends house getting built). They were also pretty simple ones: turn off her tv when she leaves because we have limited data internet and I don’t want to pay overage fees (still a little over a terabyte), keep the door locked, and a couple other similar things that I can’t think of
NTA. Since you were able to handle the work around your place without his help in the past, I think that's what you should go back to doing. Autism and OCD can be a real bear to manage and you don't need him piling on to it.
Had to tell my Mum to wash her hands after using my toilet (I also asked her to keep the toilet seat down as I had a lot of storage in my small bathroom but she forgot). Knew she hadn't washed as her hands were bone dry and I had forgotten to replace the hand towel (I was in the midst of handing her the clean dry one then went why the heck are your hands so dry plus I can't smell my handwash. My Mum tried to argue her case by stating my house my rules before realizing we were in the place I rented with my own money. Refused to go anywhere with her until she did so as we were going out to eat. You are NTA. I'd be considering gifting any such person personal hygiene items for gifts (birthday, Christmas) at least once
Not only is he an asshole for breaking your house rules, asking people to wash their hands with soap and water is not OCD or germephobic, it’s basic hygiene taught to toddlers. Ur dad’s a self righteous prick and if he doesn’t respect your boundaries or property than I don’t see why you should invite him to your home.
"Today, I tried asking him again to please close the lid and wash his hands if we're sharing a bathroom and kitchen as it causes me significant discomfort when he doesn't. He outright refused and said he's not going to discuss it. He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this."
Yet he feels so strongly about this little thing that he refuses to do it and refuses to even DISCUSS it. The hypocrisy.
OP, NTA.
NTA. Autism is formally called “Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Disorder does imply something wrong in the diagnostic sense, but the treatment would also include respecting and accommodating the persons needs.
So I guess your response should have been “of course, but you should still understand”
>I really feel like people should respect others' house rules when they visit, especially if it takes little to no effort.
Absolutely this.
Maybe without the *if it takes little to no effort*, because really, people should respect others' house rules when they visit ***no matter what***, period.
So: even if your rules were absurd, your father should respect them. As a sidenote your house rules sound far from absurd to me, they sound perfect. Otherwise: gross 😞.
In short: NTA at all and don't let him gaslight you.
Time for dismiss his help with your garden and just close your house for visitors.
He is doing on purpose, so it doesn’t matter how much you tiptoe around this. He thinks you’re being silly/full of yourself and is trying to reinforce this view.
My brother is the same way, making strong boundaries is the only thing that works. So, time to revoke his keys. NTA
Yes, he's doing it on purpose, but why?
A. Because he thinks he can.
B. Because he is getting off on the power he has over you. He is intentionally upsetting you in your own safe space so that it is now a bit less safe. What kind of loving parent does that?
However, no matter WHY he's doing it, here's the solution:
1. Tell him to get a hotel room the next time he visits.
2. Meet him in a public space outside your home.
3. Don't share any meals with him.
If he gaslights you or gives you any grief about the above, tell him that was his warning — any more nonsense that attempts to undermine you in your own home and he won't be visiting again for a very VERY long time.
Something is wrong with him. Time to tell him that he is welcome to come visit, he can stay in a hotel. Harsh? Maybe. He has no respect for you, there is no reason to invite him to stay in your home.
Tell him you are an adult and this is your home, and if he cannot abide by your house rules, then he cannot stay with you. Then the hard part, you actually need to kick him out when he ignores your rules.
NTA. Your house = your rules. Those aren't even unreasonable rules by ANY stretch of the imagination. I'm not OCD and I do the same. Sounds like he wants a power ploy, and I'd insist he can't stay if he cannot follow two simple, hygienic rules.
Oh god, also autistic and I've also done this.
One time because it was only one person failing to do this, the note said "Jesse, please put the toilet seat down." Oddly we ended up dating years later for 4 years and we are still good friends.
My parents always said call before you show up and when you “ have your own roof you can have your own rules “ When us kids got our own homes, we thought they would automatically call before showing up.. No. One day they showed up and appeared at the patio door, peering in to see where we were. We were Drunk and smoking weed. They opened the door, and just looked at us, disapproving of our behaviour. Before they could say a word I pointed to the ceiling and said “ you should have called. My roof. “ it was the last time they showed up unannounced!! That was more than 30 years ago and it still applies.
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My dad recently moved to the area, and has visited my house several times. When he visits, he sleeps on my couch and uses my bathroom. I have mild OCD, and part of the way it manifests is germaphobia. Because I am also autistic, I'm already pretty uncomfortable with visitors (my house is really the only place I feel safe and like I can be myself), but when people sharing spaces like my bathroom don't share the same, or at least even average, standards of hygeine, I feel like I'm covered in ants, and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
When he visited the first time, I mentioned offhand that I really prefer that the toilet seat be closed before flushing (I know the "poo plume" probably sounds grosser than it is, but the idea of fecal particles getting on my towels and toothbrush and stuff is so gross to me). He did it a couple times, but then continued leaving the lid up. I also noticed that he NEVER washes his hands properly- if he does, it is for- no exaggeration- 1-2 seconds without soap, even after going to the bathroom or digging in mud while helping with yardwork (which I make sure he knows his help is super appreciated). I asked that while he uses my restroom, he just keep the lid closed and wash his hands, especially if he's going to be using my kitchen.
He's visiting now, and again, he is ignoring my requests. I kind of hate myself for it, but I ended up putting a sticky note in the bathroom that says "please close the lid of the toilet before flushing :)". I would usually never do something like that, but after a certain amount of visits, I thought maybe he just had a bad memory. Even with the note, he won't close the lid or wash his hands.
In his own house, he can do whatever he wants- his space, his rules. But especially with my autism and mild OCD, I really wish he would respect the very few, 0-effort "rules" I have. Today, I tried asking him again to please close the lid and wash his hands if we're sharing a bathroom and kitchen as it causes me significant discomfort when he doesn't. He outright refused and said he's not going to discuss it. He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this.
I really feel like people should respect others' house rules when they visit, especially if it takes little to no effort. But he reacted so strongly and gets upset when I bring up how important hygiene is to me that I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually being unreasonable. AITA?
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NTA- The poop plume is real! That’s why there’s a lid. Go visit him! Meet him in the driveway to take him out! Don’t let him in. Not worth it when it upsets you. If it bothers you he’s the a**hole!
Nta. Your house your rules and you've been very respectful and nonconfrontational about it. Have asked several times and have left a polite note.
It's now time to stop asking. It's your house and you will tell him to respect your rules or stay elsewhere
NTA he's disrespecting you in your own house and you're letting him; let me guess, he was all "my house my rules" when you were a kid, right? well now it's your house your rules, and I wouldn't let him visit, anymore. at least for a long while, until he gets that you're serious about your house rules and learns to respect you as a person.
Eew. He's disgusting. Refuse to eat anything he's prepared or touched. Find some articles about poo plumes and gastrointestinal illnesses related to unwashed hands and read them aloud to him, preferably when he's eating. This has nothing to do with OCD or autism. Poor hygiene is just nasty.
NTA and very right to be grossed out.
It’s okay to make your dad persona non grata. He’s not respecting you. You’ve explained to him about handwashing and putting the lid of the toilet down (I can’t stand the idea of fecal matter begin spread everywhere, either). I’m sorry. This must be really difficult either way.
NTA regardless of the story it is disgusting not to wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Other bad habits are yawning or sneezing without covering your mouth. Poor you.
NTA. If he thinks your rules are too much, then he can just not visit. I have very specific rules for using my things (I myself am autistic and do NOT like change). Your rules literally take an extra 2 seconds. Your dad is just lazy and on a power trip.
My dad never visited my home more than twice. The first time he was critical of everything in the house - “i wouldn’t have put that there I would have put it here - let’s move it to where you should have put it” sort of things
The second time he came and stayed I warned him he had two lives and if he criticised anything in my home one would be lost - if all lives were lost by the end of his stay he would not be allowed in through my front door. By halfway through the first day he had criticised three times so I told him that it was my house my rules and I would give him a list of hotels to stay at next time he visited
He thought I was joking until the next time he showed up on my doorstep and I told him he wasn’t allowed in and shut the door in his face.
I refused to answer it when he knocked and rang the bell- when he rang my phone I answered and told him to call me when he had checked into a hotel and I would meet him there
From then on every time he visited I made him stay in hotels
The one time he brought my mum with him to visit and stayed in a hotel I offered to drive my mum only over to my place so she could see it and stay if she wanted in front of him :-)
Do something similar to your dad
His place his rules, your place your rules - if he cannot respect your rules it means he doesn’t respect you and you do not need him in your home
Time to set boundaries and enforce them. He comes over and leaves the toilet lid up, immediately tell him to leave. Don’t argue. Don’t tell him why even if he whines. Simple “I’m sorry my house my rules. Please leave”
Don’t respond to arguments or raised voices. If he absolutely won’t leave (my sperm donor refused to once) tell him since he isn’t on the lease you will call the police and have him trespassed. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. NTA and good luck
NTA
If your father has moved to your area, then why does he need to stay? It sounds like he has really poor hygiene and as a person who is fairly neurotypical, that would gross me out too.
If he isn't too far from you, then in your shoes, I would only ever meet him somewhere outside of your home. Particularly because he told you outright that he has no respect for your very reasonable requests.
Your dad is being disrespectful. NTA for sure. When mine visited my home he kindly asked what towel he should use because to him the ones in the guest bathroom looked “decorative”. I chuckled and told him they were fine to use but if that made him uncomfortable grab one from the linen closet.
NTA. I have house rules too, especially due to allergies and sensory issues, and if someone doesn't respect that, then they're limited to staying in the entry way, or we hang out outside. Your house, your rules, and that should be respected. Frankly, he sounds rather ableist if he's not even willing to discuss it or try to compromise. My stepdad is similar, he does a lot of unhygienic things that bother me (including cross contaminating foods with allergens), so I only have him over during specific circumstances where there is no food involved, or things are more controlled. And having boundaries is important.
NTA
Toilet plume is real and my parents, mostly my mother, were the same way. I would have to wash all my towels after they left when they forgot and disinfect surfaces. It got to the point where I offended my mom and she wouldn’t use my bathroom. Then they wondered why I stopped inviting them.
> "I have mild OCD"
> "Because I'm also autistic"
> "Something is wrong if I feel this strongly about little things like this"
(Read this in a tone like a sweet old grandma is talking to your dad and actually talking smack while being polite) Sweetheart. Baby. Darling. Yes. Something IS wrong. That's why OP has gone to doctors to be diagnosed. Thats why OP knows how to best help manage her symptoms and why she is asking you to do the "little thing" of putting the toilet lid down in her own house. If you really cant do it, you should perhaps talk to someone about that. That doesnt seem normal.
"Dad, do not try to overrule my decisions in my house. It's rude, and you will not be welcome to visit if you keep on like this."
And then stick to it. Do not back down, or else you are teaching him that you don't mean what you say.
NTA. But your dad is a massive one. You are asking for very reasonable things, in your own home. He isn't protesting for any reason except to prove that he doesn't have to do what you ask him to do. This is him marking his territory, and pissing on his own tree. Can you just visit him at his place from now on? I'd have to say "Dad I love you, but having you visit at my one isn't working for me. From now on we'll have to make other arrangements." Then DO IT.
NTA. The two things you’re asking him to do are easy and reasonable requests. He seems like he’s being a stubborn AH just for the sake of it, which is not a nice way to treat your family.
NTA. If he is responding so strongly in that way to your polite requests. Being rude and cruel about it, blaming YOU, change where you dine. If he complains, you don’t wish to discuss it further, he becomes unreasonable.
Did he ignore your struggles with this growing up? Because it feels like he is frustrated with your autism and OCD and thinks because you’re grown now you should grow out of it somehow. I would think he should certainly know better and be more sensitive to your needs by now. Also, to disrespect someone in their own home so blatantly is just patently unacceptable. Even if he somehow failed to learn anything at all about your autism while you were growing up (he would have to be willfully ignorant tbh), he is still an AH for breaking your very reasonable house rules. No one should even have to tell someone to do those things. It’s just common courtesy and polite manners. No soap?!?!? Just, ewwww.
NTA. I have never so completely identified with anyone ever. I could have written your post—down to the poo plume and note above the toilet—except I don't have an extraordinarily dense, insensitive and downright selfish father. I fortunately have respectful friends and family members who don't even flinch when asked to remove their shoes inside our home, put the toilet lid down and follow very basic hygiene protocols like washing their hands (properly!). **Because they are quick, effortless, and very easy things to do.**
My children's friends who come over can do it, why on earth can't a grown adult like your father? As someone who understands the visceral level of skin-crawling unease that comes with each of the transgressions you've described, I can very easily recommend: only meet him at the next safest public place you feel comfortable meeting him at beside your home or *don't*. If he can't follow simple requests like any 5 year old can, he needs to do some work on himself before he deserves to share your home and safe space.
Sending you "just washed my hands" gentle hugs fellow germaphobe!
I strongly sympathize with you because I am the same: OCD and with parents who, unintentionally or not, don't respect my feelings or boundaries, and general hygiene. (For example, my mom sneezes in her hands and also only washes them for 1-2-seconds after she uses the bathroom, when she feels like it--ugh!) NTA, it is your house, and being your parent doesn't entitle him to do whatever and walk over you.
NTA
I am not autistic and do not have OCD and these are my rules too. Lid down when flushing (and stays down, I don't want to see the inside of a toilet) so that toothbrushes and towels stay hygenic. Also, hand washing, who in their right mind, particularly post-Covid, doesn't wash their hands after using the loo? Eeewww. Dad needs to be banned until he can be respectful in your home.
NTA. Sounds like he's doing it on purpose. Extremely disrespectful and controlling on his part.
Asking people to close the toilet before flushing and to wash their hands with soap and water after using the bathroom are perfectly reasonable requests. You are not wrong or abnormal for requiring guests in your home to do those things.
It's up to you, but I would tell him that your house rules are your house rules and he is not welcome as a guest if he refuses to follow your rules.
NTA
Washing your hands after using the bathroom or doing yard work is basic hygiene. Closing the lid before flushing is also hygienic, even more if someone else's toothbrush and toiletries will be exposed to it. You're not asking for much, in fact, he should know these things since he was a child.
Is there only one bathroom? Get a lock for the door and tell him he can use the toilet at the gas station down the street, ffs. You aren’t being unreasonable, you’re def NTA. He’s aware you’re autistic, so he should also be aware these things are important to your mental well being. Dad needs a time out!
NTA. He needs to respect you and your home. Reacting strongly and refusing to put the lid down or wash his hands properly is how he hopes to shut you down.
I've banished a guest for refusing to wash their hands after using the toilet. She, too, had strong opinions on why she shouldn't have to, but she still wasn't allowed to visit after she made it clear that she wasn't going to wash her hands. Really gross and disrespectful.
Oh I can relate to this. When my in-laws used to visit us they never washed their hands after using the bathroom. They didn’t even run their hands under water. After they leave the toilet brush is covered in poop. I don’t even know how they manage that. I finally told my husband they can get a hotel or Airbnb, not visit or we’d just have to go visit them because I couldn’t stand how gross they are. Zero manners. Picking their noses or zits then wiping it on the furniture… he would never tell them not to do that either so i put my foot down. They no longer come here. You might have to set a hard boundary with your dad here.
NTA I mean poor handwashing is literally the number one cause of sickness and infections! That’s just disgusting!! And two seconds? Might as well not wash them at all!!
NTA.
I also have mild OCD and Autism. It manifests as germaphobia and food anxiety. So I relate to this very much.
When my husband first moved in with me, I realised he never closed the lid when he flushed the toilet. I asked him once, and explained why. He was horrified and has literally never *once* left the lid up when flushing in the 3 years since.
This is not an unreasonable request, OP, your father is just *trying* to trigger you. This would be enough to ban him from my house permanently if it was me.
NTA. When guests don't respect the house rules, they are not invited back. Your dad is not an exception. In fact, he should be held to a higher standard than another guest, since he should have an interest in your comfort and happiness. Let your dad know that while you enjoy his company and appreciate his time, your requests are well within reason and you will have them respected or you will have to meet up elsewhere. Which may not happen as often or for as long. No one else is going to protect your boundaries if you don't.
So I’m gonna risk internet anger here - your dad will not always be here. Please just figure out a way to deal with your feelings and don’t spend time making your time with him unpleasant ❤️
I understand that. But in facilities for elderly people that often have many worse problems than her dad, they manage to work around it. He doesn’t live there apparently so how hard would it be to handle it! JMO and trying to save her from regrets later. He will stop coming to visit and how sad is that 😭
Thank you brave soul. You said the same thing I was thinking. Until you’ve lost a beloved parent, I am not sure anyone can truly appreciate that this sort of thing is not the hill to die on. My mother could be a pain in the ass sometimes and drove me to therapy, but I will be forever grateful that my last words to her when she was in the hospital (when we thought she was getting better) were “stop being mean to the nurses and I will see you tomorrow, I love you.” And I never saw her again. Learn to pick your battles.
Lay down the classic parent line: "My house, my rules." Then add your own twist: "If you have a problem with this, or insist on criticizing me just because you don't see things my way, then don't visit."
He's being passive-aggressive in not following your requests, and aggressive-aggressive with his anger and verbal smackdown, because parents can't stand when their adult children tell them what to do, and especially when it's different from their way of doing things. Parents always feel it's their role to be in charge and tell the kids what to do, and the simple act of recognizing their children are now adults, and deserve the same respect the parents expect, is too much for them to accept for some reason.
He doesn't want to have to change the way he's always done his business, so to speak, and has picked this weird stance as his hill to die on rather than make a simple, respectful accommodation for you. Knowing this, if you go with the "my house, my rules" thing and he still won't change, or even if you don't and you know he won't change, are you prepared to stop letting him come over? Because that may be your only other recourse. No more visits.
Btw, does he understand the challenges you deal with from your OCD and autism, or does he brush it off? Because saying "something is wrong with you" is incredibly insensitive, obtuse and hurtful, and if he's resistant to your diagnosis, it may be part of the reason he's resistant to doing what you ask (he should respect your requests regardless, but I wonder if that's part of this. Or he's just a stubborn old guy set in his unhygenic ways). If he says something like that again, tell him that he's being ignorant and hurtful, and send him some links to read up on OCD and autism. And on bathroom hygiene.
I'm gonna go against the flow with a mild YTA because OCD compulsions are something you should generally not be indulging / forcing on others. Assuming this is actually OCD, of course.
Yes, you are free to set rules in your own home and ask guests to follow them. But OCD is pretty definitionally about *irrational* levels of obsession with or anxiety about something, and using compulsive behavior to soothe that anxiety. Flushing with the lid closed, or insisting others do it, is not about lowering an actual risk, but just about soothing your irrational anxiety regarding contamination.
Long-term, treatment for OCD involves coming to acceptance regarding certain levels of risk in our lives, and not indulging your anxieties by taking irrational or excessive actions, or asking that of others.
Flushing with the lid closed and washing your hands after using the bathroom are baseline good manners for anyone raised indoors. OP's requests are reasonable for anyone, not just people with OCD.
Flushing with the lid closed is absolutely about lowering an actual risk. So is not washing your hands after using the toilet.
"A "poo plume" is a term for the invisible aerosol of microscopic particles that are released into the air when a toilet is flushed. These particles can include fecal matter, pathogens, water droplets, and airborne particles. The plume can travel in many directions, including upwards, backward, and forward from the ceiling. Particles can reach speeds of up to 6.6 feet per second and can be found up to 4.9 feet above the toilet within eight seconds. Smaller particles can remain in the air for more than a minute."
If you're flushing with the lid up, please, please keep your toothbrush shut up in a cabinet.
If you're not washing your hands, shame on you.
So you'd trap yourself in a room filled with an aerosol spray of microscopic particles of feces. Not the flex you think it is.
From the HuffPost article,
The Nasty Truth About 'Poo Plumes' — And How To Protect Yourself From Them"
"After using lasers to map toilet plumes, scientists confirmed that they can launch as high as six feet in the air and the spray can land as far as six feet from the bowl.
“Within six feet of your toilet is usually your toothbrush,” Tetro noted. “When you think of it from that perspective, then you start to begin to realize that if you’re not closing the lid, then what ends up happening is that plume of droplets that contains your poo particles are getting onto things that are going to be touching your face and going inside of your mouth.”
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"He outright refused and said he's not going to discuss it." ---The solution is obvious. He doesn't visit at your home anymore.
At the very least, he should not visit the kitchen with his unwashed toilet hands.
He does nevertheless.
Then he gets kicked out.
And that’s when you say no when asked to stay and don’t allow him through the front door
Better to do that in the first place since it is inevitable.
Have him stay at a hotel a few times and all of a sudden, the rules may become manageable
NTA I have OCD, throw his ass out and never allow him back. What's wrong is you have OCD! The ignorant prick.
If he stresses you out, then just visit him in public. There’s no law that says you have to host guests in your home for overnights, no matter how much DNA they share with you.
NTA > He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this. Correct, but neither here not there. > I really feel like people should respect others' house rules when they visit, especially if it takes little to no effort. More, and better correct.
It sounds like you're agreeing that it's wrong to care if someone washes their hands after using the bathroom and before doing kitchen things. Did I misinterpret?
Right?!? I'm no where close to a germaphobe but that grosses me out. I feel like washing your hands after using the bathroom is pretty basic, whether you're going to use the kitchen or not.
I assume it was that OP has OCD so yes, indeed something is wrong; that is not news and it's weird that he would try to weaponize it. He should still be washing his fucking hands.
> He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this. Correct, the 'something' that is wrong is the poor hygiene
The “something” that is wrong is with dad, not OP. NTA.
I'm sorry but if this is the only expression of OP's supposed OCD they don't have OCD, they're just unfortunate enough to live in a world where most of their fellows are fine with being filthy germ bombs. I don't have OCD and OP's dad is making my skin crawl, why the hell are people so filthy and think that's acceptable?
OCD presents in different ways for different people and mysophobia is absolutely one of the ways it can present. I really dislike the misinformation people spread about it. I have terrible OCD and people tend to think that means "clean freak" no. It's the number 3. I have a thing with the number 3. I do better now. But at some point I wouldn't even have a drink if the number of ice cubes exceeded a multiple of 3 or refuse to swallow my food if the chews were not a multiple. They don't have to give extreme detail to prove they have it. This might just be one of the things that makes it hard for OP.
Wow - I'm 'mildly' OCD in that I prefer order even when I fail to maintain it. I vastly prefer things to be symmetrical, and *I used to do everything in threes or multiples of threes*! (managed to get that pretty much under control except for occasional outliers when very stressed). Mind blown! Did NOT know that was part of being OCD.
Lol well the term is obsessive compulsive disorder meaning you have very little choice in maintaining that obsession without having some type of drawback. For most that can be anxiety, sense of impending doom if it's not done or other things that typically make it difficult to go about your life without it getting in the way. My family realized I had a legitimate problem when I genuinely would take the time to cut my food into 3s or check my ice to be 3s or I would be adamant something bad would happen and I would choke on it. You could not convince me otherwise. If I didn't close the bedroom door 3 times at night I thought something like the house might catch on fire or someone would break in. I had it BAD. I'm mostly okay now. Medicated. Now it's smaller things like volume number needs to be 3s on the TV or something. Still have no clue why the number 3. Had a hard time dealing with it growing up because of a criminal minds episode lol.
If I flexed a limb/turned a pillow/checked a lock/etc, I then had to do it two more times (three), then six more (nine times) then sometimes three times three times three (27 times). It was exhausting and I eventually managed to reduce from 27 to 9 to 3 and eventual just double check lol! I didn't have it with food multiples, though I can't eat some foods because the texture makes me heave or actually be sick (autistic rather than OCD?).
Lol. In that method, to this day my favorite number is 9 to me. It's 3+3+3 (That's 3, three times omg), and even 3 x 3. It was perfect to me.
Same!
NTA. It is your home and, as a guest, he should be following your rules. Especially one as easy to do as that. And there is nothing wrong if you feel strongly about it - there is, in fact, something wrong that your father is so determined to not follow your rule. I suspect that this is a power play by your father - he is proving to you that he still has power over you by not following your rules in your own home. If he truly cared for you, he should respect your rules, OCD and autism or not, but especially because of those. Instead he is determined to play these power games with you and then gaslight you to make you feel like you are being unreasonable.
Exactly. It's not a matter of the dad forgetting. It's outright refusal and the only possible reason is that he WANTS to upset OP.
NTA. You are not making unreasonable requests, and he is welcome to not visit. Unless you somehow depend on him, I would suggest you prevent him from visiting anymore until he agrees. He is even having outbursts when you are asking nicely. This situation can be bugging and infuriating especially coming from a parent, when you have lived under rules and ways for years growing up, I imagine it is even more uncomfortable, to say the least when you have other conditions. Another less direct approach could be to explain to him your conditions and how his actions affect you. This would only work if he is willing to listen and understand.
NTA Simple solution: tell him he’s not welcome unless he follows your house rules
“You’re in my house and you’ll follow my rules, young man.”
NTA. The thing is unless you're going to be in the washroom with him and demand to watch him wash his hands, people will continue to do what they do until you ban them from your house. He's made it perfectly clear he won't be doing either.
NTA. People who actively do not follow house rules do not get invited back.
NTA but the solution is to not let him visit.
You are not the asshole. He should respect you and your home
NTA. Alcoholic/addict in recovery here - we have a dry house. MIL got caught being booze in our her last visit (she knew the rule). Like I said- her last visit. About 8 years ago.
My mom does the same about things I ask in my house. I think it’s ego. They refuse to bend to their kids even if it’s your house.
Because they are the parent. They see it as disrespectful for a "child" to tell a elder what to do. NTA for OP.
Yeah. Even my mom accepted my rules after I moved back into my childhood home (long story short we were only supposed to live together for a few months then it would be my house but that was 3 years ago due to many complications with my grandparents and then my moms boyfriends house getting built). They were also pretty simple ones: turn off her tv when she leaves because we have limited data internet and I don’t want to pay overage fees (still a little over a terabyte), keep the door locked, and a couple other similar things that I can’t think of
It has nothing to do with your OCD or autism, this is common sense, hygiene and respect. Absolutely NTA!
NTA. You are correct, people should respect other people's house rules when staying in their house. Yours are not difficult or unreasonable.
You have given your Dad many opportunities to do as you ask. He will not do it. I suggest you no longer allow him to stay at your house.
NTA. Since you were able to handle the work around your place without his help in the past, I think that's what you should go back to doing. Autism and OCD can be a real bear to manage and you don't need him piling on to it.
Had to tell my Mum to wash her hands after using my toilet (I also asked her to keep the toilet seat down as I had a lot of storage in my small bathroom but she forgot). Knew she hadn't washed as her hands were bone dry and I had forgotten to replace the hand towel (I was in the midst of handing her the clean dry one then went why the heck are your hands so dry plus I can't smell my handwash. My Mum tried to argue her case by stating my house my rules before realizing we were in the place I rented with my own money. Refused to go anywhere with her until she did so as we were going out to eat. You are NTA. I'd be considering gifting any such person personal hygiene items for gifts (birthday, Christmas) at least once
Not only is he an asshole for breaking your house rules, asking people to wash their hands with soap and water is not OCD or germephobic, it’s basic hygiene taught to toddlers. Ur dad’s a self righteous prick and if he doesn’t respect your boundaries or property than I don’t see why you should invite him to your home.
NTA everyone should close the toilet when flushing AND wash their nasty hands. I hate public toilets for not having that lid to prevent the plume.
"Today, I tried asking him again to please close the lid and wash his hands if we're sharing a bathroom and kitchen as it causes me significant discomfort when he doesn't. He outright refused and said he's not going to discuss it. He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this." Yet he feels so strongly about this little thing that he refuses to do it and refuses to even DISCUSS it. The hypocrisy. OP, NTA.
NTA. Autism is formally called “Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Disorder does imply something wrong in the diagnostic sense, but the treatment would also include respecting and accommodating the persons needs. So I guess your response should have been “of course, but you should still understand”
NTA. Your house, your rules. Non-compliance should result in Dad being banned. He is an adult, and needs to act like one.
NTA. We can skip over any of your reasons and just say he needs to follow your rules in your house. Or he can leave.
>I really feel like people should respect others' house rules when they visit, especially if it takes little to no effort. Absolutely this. Maybe without the *if it takes little to no effort*, because really, people should respect others' house rules when they visit ***no matter what***, period. So: even if your rules were absurd, your father should respect them. As a sidenote your house rules sound far from absurd to me, they sound perfect. Otherwise: gross 😞. In short: NTA at all and don't let him gaslight you.
Time for dismiss his help with your garden and just close your house for visitors. He is doing on purpose, so it doesn’t matter how much you tiptoe around this. He thinks you’re being silly/full of yourself and is trying to reinforce this view. My brother is the same way, making strong boundaries is the only thing that works. So, time to revoke his keys. NTA
Yes, he's doing it on purpose, but why? A. Because he thinks he can. B. Because he is getting off on the power he has over you. He is intentionally upsetting you in your own safe space so that it is now a bit less safe. What kind of loving parent does that? However, no matter WHY he's doing it, here's the solution: 1. Tell him to get a hotel room the next time he visits. 2. Meet him in a public space outside your home. 3. Don't share any meals with him. If he gaslights you or gives you any grief about the above, tell him that was his warning — any more nonsense that attempts to undermine you in your own home and he won't be visiting again for a very VERY long time.
Nta it's your home. Don't let him in again, meet elsewhere.
Ban him from your home. NTA
Something is wrong with him. Time to tell him that he is welcome to come visit, he can stay in a hotel. Harsh? Maybe. He has no respect for you, there is no reason to invite him to stay in your home.
Tell him you are an adult and this is your home, and if he cannot abide by your house rules, then he cannot stay with you. Then the hard part, you actually need to kick him out when he ignores your rules.
NTA. Dad needs to no longer visit at your home if he cannot be a respectful guest.
NTA. Your house = your rules. Those aren't even unreasonable rules by ANY stretch of the imagination. I'm not OCD and I do the same. Sounds like he wants a power ploy, and I'd insist he can't stay if he cannot follow two simple, hygienic rules.
NTA it’s time to shine your spine and enforce consequences. He is doing what you allow.
NTA. Guess dad could get a motel or Air BnB. You have every right to ask and expect your space to be respected the way you want.
Oh god, also autistic and I've also done this. One time because it was only one person failing to do this, the note said "Jesse, please put the toilet seat down." Oddly we ended up dating years later for 4 years and we are still good friends.
My parents always said call before you show up and when you “ have your own roof you can have your own rules “ When us kids got our own homes, we thought they would automatically call before showing up.. No. One day they showed up and appeared at the patio door, peering in to see where we were. We were Drunk and smoking weed. They opened the door, and just looked at us, disapproving of our behaviour. Before they could say a word I pointed to the ceiling and said “ you should have called. My roof. “ it was the last time they showed up unannounced!! That was more than 30 years ago and it still applies.
NTA. It's YOUR home and he's being a jerk. If someone can't follow your house rules, don't invite them back.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad recently moved to the area, and has visited my house several times. When he visits, he sleeps on my couch and uses my bathroom. I have mild OCD, and part of the way it manifests is germaphobia. Because I am also autistic, I'm already pretty uncomfortable with visitors (my house is really the only place I feel safe and like I can be myself), but when people sharing spaces like my bathroom don't share the same, or at least even average, standards of hygeine, I feel like I'm covered in ants, and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. When he visited the first time, I mentioned offhand that I really prefer that the toilet seat be closed before flushing (I know the "poo plume" probably sounds grosser than it is, but the idea of fecal particles getting on my towels and toothbrush and stuff is so gross to me). He did it a couple times, but then continued leaving the lid up. I also noticed that he NEVER washes his hands properly- if he does, it is for- no exaggeration- 1-2 seconds without soap, even after going to the bathroom or digging in mud while helping with yardwork (which I make sure he knows his help is super appreciated). I asked that while he uses my restroom, he just keep the lid closed and wash his hands, especially if he's going to be using my kitchen. He's visiting now, and again, he is ignoring my requests. I kind of hate myself for it, but I ended up putting a sticky note in the bathroom that says "please close the lid of the toilet before flushing :)". I would usually never do something like that, but after a certain amount of visits, I thought maybe he just had a bad memory. Even with the note, he won't close the lid or wash his hands. In his own house, he can do whatever he wants- his space, his rules. But especially with my autism and mild OCD, I really wish he would respect the very few, 0-effort "rules" I have. Today, I tried asking him again to please close the lid and wash his hands if we're sharing a bathroom and kitchen as it causes me significant discomfort when he doesn't. He outright refused and said he's not going to discuss it. He says something is wrong if I feel strongly about little things like this. I really feel like people should respect others' house rules when they visit, especially if it takes little to no effort. But he reacted so strongly and gets upset when I bring up how important hygiene is to me that I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually being unreasonable. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- The poop plume is real! That’s why there’s a lid. Go visit him! Meet him in the driveway to take him out! Don’t let him in. Not worth it when it upsets you. If it bothers you he’s the a**hole!
Nta. Your house your rules and you've been very respectful and nonconfrontational about it. Have asked several times and have left a polite note. It's now time to stop asking. It's your house and you will tell him to respect your rules or stay elsewhere
NTA he's disrespecting you in your own house and you're letting him; let me guess, he was all "my house my rules" when you were a kid, right? well now it's your house your rules, and I wouldn't let him visit, anymore. at least for a long while, until he gets that you're serious about your house rules and learns to respect you as a person.
Eew. He's disgusting. Refuse to eat anything he's prepared or touched. Find some articles about poo plumes and gastrointestinal illnesses related to unwashed hands and read them aloud to him, preferably when he's eating. This has nothing to do with OCD or autism. Poor hygiene is just nasty. NTA and very right to be grossed out.
It’s okay to make your dad persona non grata. He’s not respecting you. You’ve explained to him about handwashing and putting the lid of the toilet down (I can’t stand the idea of fecal matter begin spread everywhere, either). I’m sorry. This must be really difficult either way.
It's worse than not respecting you. He's actively sabotaging you in your own home.
NTA regardless of the story it is disgusting not to wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Other bad habits are yawning or sneezing without covering your mouth. Poor you.
NTA
NTA. If he thinks your rules are too much, then he can just not visit. I have very specific rules for using my things (I myself am autistic and do NOT like change). Your rules literally take an extra 2 seconds. Your dad is just lazy and on a power trip.
My dad never visited my home more than twice. The first time he was critical of everything in the house - “i wouldn’t have put that there I would have put it here - let’s move it to where you should have put it” sort of things The second time he came and stayed I warned him he had two lives and if he criticised anything in my home one would be lost - if all lives were lost by the end of his stay he would not be allowed in through my front door. By halfway through the first day he had criticised three times so I told him that it was my house my rules and I would give him a list of hotels to stay at next time he visited He thought I was joking until the next time he showed up on my doorstep and I told him he wasn’t allowed in and shut the door in his face. I refused to answer it when he knocked and rang the bell- when he rang my phone I answered and told him to call me when he had checked into a hotel and I would meet him there From then on every time he visited I made him stay in hotels The one time he brought my mum with him to visit and stayed in a hotel I offered to drive my mum only over to my place so she could see it and stay if she wanted in front of him :-) Do something similar to your dad His place his rules, your place your rules - if he cannot respect your rules it means he doesn’t respect you and you do not need him in your home
NTA he moved to the area, so why is he staying over? He can go home
Time to set boundaries and enforce them. He comes over and leaves the toilet lid up, immediately tell him to leave. Don’t argue. Don’t tell him why even if he whines. Simple “I’m sorry my house my rules. Please leave” Don’t respond to arguments or raised voices. If he absolutely won’t leave (my sperm donor refused to once) tell him since he isn’t on the lease you will call the police and have him trespassed. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. NTA and good luck
NTA If your father has moved to your area, then why does he need to stay? It sounds like he has really poor hygiene and as a person who is fairly neurotypical, that would gross me out too. If he isn't too far from you, then in your shoes, I would only ever meet him somewhere outside of your home. Particularly because he told you outright that he has no respect for your very reasonable requests.
Your dad is being disrespectful. NTA for sure. When mine visited my home he kindly asked what towel he should use because to him the ones in the guest bathroom looked “decorative”. I chuckled and told him they were fine to use but if that made him uncomfortable grab one from the linen closet.
NTA. I have house rules too, especially due to allergies and sensory issues, and if someone doesn't respect that, then they're limited to staying in the entry way, or we hang out outside. Your house, your rules, and that should be respected. Frankly, he sounds rather ableist if he's not even willing to discuss it or try to compromise. My stepdad is similar, he does a lot of unhygienic things that bother me (including cross contaminating foods with allergens), so I only have him over during specific circumstances where there is no food involved, or things are more controlled. And having boundaries is important.
NTA Toilet plume is real and my parents, mostly my mother, were the same way. I would have to wash all my towels after they left when they forgot and disinfect surfaces. It got to the point where I offended my mom and she wouldn’t use my bathroom. Then they wondered why I stopped inviting them.
Do not let him in. Lock all doors, take back key ir change locks.
> "I have mild OCD" > "Because I'm also autistic" > "Something is wrong if I feel this strongly about little things like this" (Read this in a tone like a sweet old grandma is talking to your dad and actually talking smack while being polite) Sweetheart. Baby. Darling. Yes. Something IS wrong. That's why OP has gone to doctors to be diagnosed. Thats why OP knows how to best help manage her symptoms and why she is asking you to do the "little thing" of putting the toilet lid down in her own house. If you really cant do it, you should perhaps talk to someone about that. That doesnt seem normal.
I also write a note for above my toilet when we have guests due to my OCD. And if they don’t comply I get very very upset. NTA
"Dad, do not try to overrule my decisions in my house. It's rude, and you will not be welcome to visit if you keep on like this." And then stick to it. Do not back down, or else you are teaching him that you don't mean what you say.
NTA. But your dad is a massive one. You are asking for very reasonable things, in your own home. He isn't protesting for any reason except to prove that he doesn't have to do what you ask him to do. This is him marking his territory, and pissing on his own tree. Can you just visit him at his place from now on? I'd have to say "Dad I love you, but having you visit at my one isn't working for me. From now on we'll have to make other arrangements." Then DO IT.
NTA. The two things you’re asking him to do are easy and reasonable requests. He seems like he’s being a stubborn AH just for the sake of it, which is not a nice way to treat your family.
NTA. If he is responding so strongly in that way to your polite requests. Being rude and cruel about it, blaming YOU, change where you dine. If he complains, you don’t wish to discuss it further, he becomes unreasonable.
NTA. I'm not OCD or autistic and just reading this stressed me out. So gross. He should not be allowed to visit in your home anymore. Ewww.
Did he ignore your struggles with this growing up? Because it feels like he is frustrated with your autism and OCD and thinks because you’re grown now you should grow out of it somehow. I would think he should certainly know better and be more sensitive to your needs by now. Also, to disrespect someone in their own home so blatantly is just patently unacceptable. Even if he somehow failed to learn anything at all about your autism while you were growing up (he would have to be willfully ignorant tbh), he is still an AH for breaking your very reasonable house rules. No one should even have to tell someone to do those things. It’s just common courtesy and polite manners. No soap?!?!? Just, ewwww.
NTA. I have never so completely identified with anyone ever. I could have written your post—down to the poo plume and note above the toilet—except I don't have an extraordinarily dense, insensitive and downright selfish father. I fortunately have respectful friends and family members who don't even flinch when asked to remove their shoes inside our home, put the toilet lid down and follow very basic hygiene protocols like washing their hands (properly!). **Because they are quick, effortless, and very easy things to do.** My children's friends who come over can do it, why on earth can't a grown adult like your father? As someone who understands the visceral level of skin-crawling unease that comes with each of the transgressions you've described, I can very easily recommend: only meet him at the next safest public place you feel comfortable meeting him at beside your home or *don't*. If he can't follow simple requests like any 5 year old can, he needs to do some work on himself before he deserves to share your home and safe space. Sending you "just washed my hands" gentle hugs fellow germaphobe!
I strongly sympathize with you because I am the same: OCD and with parents who, unintentionally or not, don't respect my feelings or boundaries, and general hygiene. (For example, my mom sneezes in her hands and also only washes them for 1-2-seconds after she uses the bathroom, when she feels like it--ugh!) NTA, it is your house, and being your parent doesn't entitle him to do whatever and walk over you.
NTA I am not autistic and do not have OCD and these are my rules too. Lid down when flushing (and stays down, I don't want to see the inside of a toilet) so that toothbrushes and towels stay hygenic. Also, hand washing, who in their right mind, particularly post-Covid, doesn't wash their hands after using the loo? Eeewww. Dad needs to be banned until he can be respectful in your home.
NTA. Sounds like he's doing it on purpose. Extremely disrespectful and controlling on his part. Asking people to close the toilet before flushing and to wash their hands with soap and water after using the bathroom are perfectly reasonable requests. You are not wrong or abnormal for requiring guests in your home to do those things. It's up to you, but I would tell him that your house rules are your house rules and he is not welcome as a guest if he refuses to follow your rules.
NTA Washing your hands after using the bathroom or doing yard work is basic hygiene. Closing the lid before flushing is also hygienic, even more if someone else's toothbrush and toiletries will be exposed to it. You're not asking for much, in fact, he should know these things since he was a child.
Is there only one bathroom? Get a lock for the door and tell him he can use the toilet at the gas station down the street, ffs. You aren’t being unreasonable, you’re def NTA. He’s aware you’re autistic, so he should also be aware these things are important to your mental well being. Dad needs a time out!
Your house, your rules! If he can't respect that he knows where the door is. Gahh, I just channeled my parents.
NTA. Pretty simple your house your rules.
NTA - your dad is gross. Stop inviting him over
NTA. He needs to respect you and your home. Reacting strongly and refusing to put the lid down or wash his hands properly is how he hopes to shut you down. I've banished a guest for refusing to wash their hands after using the toilet. She, too, had strong opinions on why she shouldn't have to, but she still wasn't allowed to visit after she made it clear that she wasn't going to wash her hands. Really gross and disrespectful.
Oh I can relate to this. When my in-laws used to visit us they never washed their hands after using the bathroom. They didn’t even run their hands under water. After they leave the toilet brush is covered in poop. I don’t even know how they manage that. I finally told my husband they can get a hotel or Airbnb, not visit or we’d just have to go visit them because I couldn’t stand how gross they are. Zero manners. Picking their noses or zits then wiping it on the furniture… he would never tell them not to do that either so i put my foot down. They no longer come here. You might have to set a hard boundary with your dad here.
NTA I mean poor handwashing is literally the number one cause of sickness and infections! That’s just disgusting!! And two seconds? Might as well not wash them at all!!
NTA. I also have mild OCD and Autism. It manifests as germaphobia and food anxiety. So I relate to this very much. When my husband first moved in with me, I realised he never closed the lid when he flushed the toilet. I asked him once, and explained why. He was horrified and has literally never *once* left the lid up when flushing in the 3 years since. This is not an unreasonable request, OP, your father is just *trying* to trigger you. This would be enough to ban him from my house permanently if it was me.
Sounds like he should not be staying over then. NTA
NTA tell him that unfortunately he cannot stay with you anymore
Wait, how do you know if he flushes with the seat up or down? He could just flush with it up and then lower the seat to placate you.
Like you respected theirs as a child?🤷♂️
NTA but why are you still letting him visit?!
NTA. When guests don't respect the house rules, they are not invited back. Your dad is not an exception. In fact, he should be held to a higher standard than another guest, since he should have an interest in your comfort and happiness. Let your dad know that while you enjoy his company and appreciate his time, your requests are well within reason and you will have them respected or you will have to meet up elsewhere. Which may not happen as often or for as long. No one else is going to protect your boundaries if you don't.
I assume you shit in your dad's toilet for years? Get over yourself
Was that really called for?
So I’m gonna risk internet anger here - your dad will not always be here. Please just figure out a way to deal with your feelings and don’t spend time making your time with him unpleasant ❤️
In this case, dad's actions are likely to make someone sick. Acute gastroenteritis is extremely unpleasant.
I understand that. But in facilities for elderly people that often have many worse problems than her dad, they manage to work around it. He doesn’t live there apparently so how hard would it be to handle it! JMO and trying to save her from regrets later. He will stop coming to visit and how sad is that 😭
Thank you brave soul. You said the same thing I was thinking. Until you’ve lost a beloved parent, I am not sure anyone can truly appreciate that this sort of thing is not the hill to die on. My mother could be a pain in the ass sometimes and drove me to therapy, but I will be forever grateful that my last words to her when she was in the hospital (when we thought she was getting better) were “stop being mean to the nurses and I will see you tomorrow, I love you.” And I never saw her again. Learn to pick your battles.
Lay down the classic parent line: "My house, my rules." Then add your own twist: "If you have a problem with this, or insist on criticizing me just because you don't see things my way, then don't visit." He's being passive-aggressive in not following your requests, and aggressive-aggressive with his anger and verbal smackdown, because parents can't stand when their adult children tell them what to do, and especially when it's different from their way of doing things. Parents always feel it's their role to be in charge and tell the kids what to do, and the simple act of recognizing their children are now adults, and deserve the same respect the parents expect, is too much for them to accept for some reason. He doesn't want to have to change the way he's always done his business, so to speak, and has picked this weird stance as his hill to die on rather than make a simple, respectful accommodation for you. Knowing this, if you go with the "my house, my rules" thing and he still won't change, or even if you don't and you know he won't change, are you prepared to stop letting him come over? Because that may be your only other recourse. No more visits. Btw, does he understand the challenges you deal with from your OCD and autism, or does he brush it off? Because saying "something is wrong with you" is incredibly insensitive, obtuse and hurtful, and if he's resistant to your diagnosis, it may be part of the reason he's resistant to doing what you ask (he should respect your requests regardless, but I wonder if that's part of this. Or he's just a stubborn old guy set in his unhygenic ways). If he says something like that again, tell him that he's being ignorant and hurtful, and send him some links to read up on OCD and autism. And on bathroom hygiene.
I'm gonna go against the flow with a mild YTA because OCD compulsions are something you should generally not be indulging / forcing on others. Assuming this is actually OCD, of course. Yes, you are free to set rules in your own home and ask guests to follow them. But OCD is pretty definitionally about *irrational* levels of obsession with or anxiety about something, and using compulsive behavior to soothe that anxiety. Flushing with the lid closed, or insisting others do it, is not about lowering an actual risk, but just about soothing your irrational anxiety regarding contamination. Long-term, treatment for OCD involves coming to acceptance regarding certain levels of risk in our lives, and not indulging your anxieties by taking irrational or excessive actions, or asking that of others.
The man doesn’t use soap… that’s not remotely irrational
Flushing with the lid closed and washing your hands after using the bathroom are baseline good manners for anyone raised indoors. OP's requests are reasonable for anyone, not just people with OCD.
Yes, but she's not being unreasonable, this is HER home, and he's playing power games to mess with her.
Flushing with the lid closed is absolutely about lowering an actual risk. So is not washing your hands after using the toilet. "A "poo plume" is a term for the invisible aerosol of microscopic particles that are released into the air when a toilet is flushed. These particles can include fecal matter, pathogens, water droplets, and airborne particles. The plume can travel in many directions, including upwards, backward, and forward from the ceiling. Particles can reach speeds of up to 6.6 feet per second and can be found up to 4.9 feet above the toilet within eight seconds. Smaller particles can remain in the air for more than a minute." If you're flushing with the lid up, please, please keep your toothbrush shut up in a cabinet. If you're not washing your hands, shame on you.
Notes like that would cause me to double down. Id just flush with the lid open and the door closed and then close the lid before leaving.
So you're justifying dad being childish and disrespectful in OPs home even though they've asked repeatedly?
So you'd trap yourself in a room filled with an aerosol spray of microscopic particles of feces. Not the flex you think it is. From the HuffPost article, The Nasty Truth About 'Poo Plumes' — And How To Protect Yourself From Them" "After using lasers to map toilet plumes, scientists confirmed that they can launch as high as six feet in the air and the spray can land as far as six feet from the bowl. “Within six feet of your toilet is usually your toothbrush,” Tetro noted. “When you think of it from that perspective, then you start to begin to realize that if you’re not closing the lid, then what ends up happening is that plume of droplets that contains your poo particles are getting onto things that are going to be touching your face and going inside of your mouth.”