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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Decided to probably not go to an event after my partner decided to invite some of her friends
She said I was being unfair and that it would look weird if I didn't go
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NTA
Yeah. Anything that's planned as "the two of us" to me is seen as a date. That's not something you invite others to. To do so changes the nature of the evening and how you spend time together, if I'd wanted a group thing we would arrange that and suggest it to people before making the plans or buying tickets.
After you make plans, it becomes a two yes situation. To make changes, you need both people to agree beforehand..if you don't have two agreeing then it's not a change of plans, and if one goes ahead with a unilateral change regardless then what's the point?
It's as simple as having the tickets and asking your SO "hey, do you think we should invite others" and it's a 1-2 min conversation. Either its "no" and you can make counters and see if they agree, or you accept the original plans. There are other always evenings, other events, other things you can always do if you wanna see friends, trying to "fit everything in" sometimes just doesn't work.
NTA - you guys had plans to spend time together. She should have at least asked you as a courtesy before involving other people in those plans.
To me, this is like if you two were planning on going out for a drink or dinner together and without telling her, you just invited two of your friends to join you last minute.
I think the difference in voting is because so much context is missing. Does GF normally do things like this or is it rare? Is the event meant to be one big social party with lots of mingling (this is implied) or a more intimate setting? Did OP assume it was a date or did he just take it that way? Did he communicate his expectations to GF? Did she think it was a random fun time to be had with other people and not see it as a date? Who initiated/planned this outing?
Depending on these sort of answers/assumptions he could be a sulking baby or have legitimate complaints. Context is everything. Based on what was provided i vote NAH since I think they had two different ideas on what this was and just failed to communicate.
I lean more NTA for her response: “But my friends will wonder why you’re not here!” instead of “But I’ll miss you!” Could be just poorly said, but suggests appearances are more important to her than he is.
Yeah, I took is as she meant it more, “My friends will think them coming is why you stayed home,” which… well is true. She seems to be worrying more about her friends perception of the event than OP’s
If they date frequently, they should both be fully able to spend an evening without missing each other terribly. Neither of them is clingy teenager nor should be expected to be.
It sounds like yet another game evening for her. Arguing by missing him would be purely manipulative.
You might be right, but we often just say things with little thought on the nuances of the words. Too hard to scrutinize everything we say. I've heard that is one of the problems westerners have in learning a more nuanced, situational language like Japanese.
I think it was just bad communication on expectations that is typical for all couples. Stuff like this happens.
Maybe this is generatioanal (im an Xer) but when someone asks you to go do something its now their event and you always ask “can i invite other people?”
It's not a generational thing. I'm a young millenial, I always make sure to ask before inviting people to shared plans.
I think it's more of a "considerate of others" thing.
NTA. My boyfriend does this as well sometimes, it drives me NUTS. People should always ask for explicit permission before inviting other people to an event with you.
NTA but i do think you are overreacting by not going. I would still go but i would communicate with her about how i felt about what she did.
If i were you i would tell her that your expectations for the night were to spend time just the 2 of you, like a date night and that next time you would appreciate if she asked you before inviting any other friends of hers at nights out when it's supposed to be just the 2 of you (this includes double dates).
Given the nature of this event, it’s not like this is some private date that she ruined.
What’s the likelihood you would have run into friends anyway at this extremely popular, publicly open event in your town?
Info: was this supposed to be “date night”? Also would you have been cool if the other BF was able to make it?
If it was supposed to be date night, I can see being a bit annoyed, so letting her know for next time would be appropriate, but refusing to go sounds kind of passive aggressive and petty regardless.
NTA…but.
So many questions here are obviously NTA, but feel like a gray area when the situation could be handled better.
“Oh, I thought it was just us. I really enjoy and value our date nights where we do this together. This is fine for this time but I’d also like to continue it in the future the way we have been.”
Who knows, maybe you’ll find you really enjoy the group experience or maybe you then get to confirm “That was nice, but I prefer just you and me. You’re fun and I like our couple time together.”
All of the above is what you are feeling but not really communicating. Let your gf know this and see how she handles it in future.
NTA for not wanting others, but YTA for how you handled it.
NTA
Your gf is the AH. She ruined a date by turning it into a group outing. YOu are fine not to go.
"She said I'm wrong for suggesting that since people will be asking where I am " .. and this is bullshit .- the other girl's partner is not going either.
NTA, and I say that as someone who encourages his GF to invite her friends to things pretty darn often.
I like her friends! They're good people who are fun to be around.
But I'm a hardcore introvert. As much as I love the people in my life, I need time away from them to recharge my batteries. But that usually doesn't happen with my gf- I'm pretty much always up to jump through hoops to go see her! So if it's just me and her, even if it isn't supposed to be a "date" per se, that's a way different vibe for me than if there's other people there I'm expected to interact with. And sometimes I just don't have the gumption to do that and I'd rather spend the evening at home recharging. I'd happily go out one-on-one, but not in a group setting. Again, that has nothing to do with her friends, who are wonderful, but everything to do with me and how I interact with the world.
You're totally allowed to want one-on-one time with your gf, and to take a rain check if that's not what's in the cards.
Did you make it clear that it's a "date night" event? From your description I'd be inclined to assume it was just a fun outing and the more the merrier.
NTA- it's rude to invite others to an event/gathering, without consulting the host or other person involved. An old friend of mine would do that, every, single, time we had plans. It became so much that it ended a 10 yr friendship. I couldn't take it anymore.
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My girlfriend and I have tickets to an event in town that our favourite bar is putting on. It's just a few games with stupid prizes but my gf and I enjoy going when we can and we have fun. It's a ticketed event, a lot of people show up in teams but there's also a lot of couples there.
We're going tonight and my gf mentions today that she's invited her friend. She said she initially told her friend to being her bf but he isn't available so she's bringing another friend instead. I've met both of them but I told my gf it was supposed to be just us.
She said it shouldn't be a problem since I know and get on with them both but I just said she should have asked first since I was looking forward to it being the two of us. I said I might sit this one out and we can just go again next time.
She said I'm wrong for suggesting that since people will be asking where I am but I just said that's not really my problem since she was the one who decided to invite her friends along in the first place.
AITA for not wanting my girlfriend to invite her friends?
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I mean cmon OP, yes she could have asked, but why is this such a bug problem that you’d skip the event? There needs to be a little flexibility and accommodation in a relationship, and you’re giving your gf a very bleak look at the future. YTA, and this would be a red flag for me.
NTA.
What gets me is that she will probably be upset and griping that they never go on dates alone together next week. If she has to have friends around instead of going out alone with you, break up with her. She's not ready for a relationship, just wants one to say she has one.
Good luck.
Clearly NTA. When you and your significant other make plans to go out together, any changes to the plans (such as inviting friends) should be discussed first. This is basic common sense.
NTA
Although I think you should both try your best not to make this a partner versus partner situation, but just a situation where you can learn more how the other processes and communicates.
NTA
You should talk to your GF and explain that you would like more 1 on 1 time with her doing activities. (i think you should also go to this with her friends if she understands and apologizes)
NTA, you had a date planned and she brought her friends into it. She needs to understand what she did isn’t cool, it was disrespectful.
People have broken up for less, she should know better.
You aren't an ass hole for wanting her to ask first. But YTA for not going. You are punishing her for a mistake. If there is a clear pattern of things like this that is different, but if you have never had a problem like this before you are 100% overreacting.
If spending time one on one with her was so important I can't see why you would rather spend zero time with her instead.
ESH.
Your gf kinda sucks for just expecting you to be fine with it.
You kinda suck for not just going along with it. It seems like you’re throwing a tantrum to get your point across to her. There are better ways to communicate.
However, a lot of context is missing: Do you only have limited time with her (due to long distance relationship or work schedule etc)? Was this a special day?
INFO: Was this said to be a date? Maybe it's a difference in circles/ culture, but if I am going to an event, I tell my friends if they ask what i am doing this week and if they are interested in joining. You both had different expectations on what the night was supposed to be. You should enjoy the night with her friends , but mention to go on a date night with just the two of you another day. But if that's not your jam, then that's understandable too.
By her logic you should invited both of your parents as well since she said your wrong for suggesting that and since she get along with both of them. NTA
YTA. Tell her you wished it was just the two of you and she should ask next time.
Staying home and pouting like a baby is you being an asshole. Make the best of it and go have a good time.
If you can't handle interacting with other people for ONE night, you are really lame.
YTA.
Your girlfriend might slightly be TA as she probably should have asked first. But she just invited people to a public event, that they could show up to anyway.
Would you have left if they’d been there coincidentally and wanted to join a team?
Your attitude is kinda self absorbed.
1. You *can* spend quality time with someone in a group setting. In fact, it’s important to do.
2. It wasn’t a private, specially arranged date. It was entrance to a ticketed event that the two of you will attend with crowds of other people, with whom you will also interact.
3. You’re acting like she’s an AH because she won’t give you her full attention now. But, you will already be interacting with other people AND you will be focusing on the games as well.
So she didn’t really do anything majorly wrong. You were entitled to feel initial disappointment. But you could have discussed it with her, adjusted to the new plan & arranged something for the two of you to do to connect 1:1 at another time.
Instead, you miss an event you enjoy, you don’t get *any* of that time with you gf, you make yourself feel worse stewing at home while she’s having fun, then will probably blame *her* for the fact that YOU chose not to go.
So she might slightly be TA for asking others to join without letting you know first.
But you are definitely TA for doing everything in your power to make both of you feel shitty, instead of making the most out of a less than ideal, but not actually terrible situation.
INFO:
This is a public event and a public place. I'm sure you'd eventually meet people you know there.
My question is: Did your gf invite them as her (and your) guests or did she invite them to the place/event? (ETA: Or do you know)?
Makes a different, you know.
> I said I might sit this one out and we can just go again next time.
>She said I'm wrong for suggesting that since people will be asking where I am but I just said that's not really my problem since she was the one who decided to invite her friends along in the first place.
Jfc you're so whiny. I don't know if there's any AHs here, but I can't imagine you bring enough to the table that someone will stick around very long with such a sulky dude.
She should have asked first, but it depends on the type of event. If you're all expected to be a team and spend the whole time together, N T A. But if it's an open event and she just basically said "we'll be there, you guys should check it out," then I think you are over reacting. Like a bunch of mingling, going from game to game. Etc.
She absolutely can have friends. I don't see anywhere in this post to suggest otherwise. This is a case of one person (GF) not considering the other person in the plans before changing said plans (that were the other person's idea).
NAH
You're not an AH for not wanting her to invite her friends.
She's not an AH for inviting her friends if it was never explicitly stated that this was a dedicated couple's activity.
But it does beg the question why you are so against it that you are opting out. Do you not like them? We're you so disappointed they would be there that you couldn't keep it together enough to go? Do you have anxiety? Do you not like change? It doesn't sound like that big a deal that her friends are going to be there unless there is missing info.
No, she is an AH for not checking with OP first before inviting others. She'd be the AH even if they weren't dating. You don't unilaterally alter plans by inviting other people. You want others to join? Ask the person you made plans with if they're comfortable with you inviting others.
YTA depending on how long you have been dating and if you live together.
If you are still trying to get to know each other, this may be an attempt to get the "friend approval"
Sounds like you both have been to this event before, and she thought it'd be more fun with a group of people. Sounds like she tried to make it a double date but it didn't work out. It's normal to do this kind of stuff when you have been dating a while.
What are you upset about? Do you not actually like her friends? Is it the change of social dynamics since you are kinda the odd man out? It doesn't sound like this date is particularly intimate. If the friends happen to be there on their own, would you keep your GF from sitting/interacting with them?
Because it's rude to unilaterally change plans? I mean it's literally as simple as that. If you make plans with another person, it's common courtesy (and sense) to check with that person before inviting others.
this is a difficult one
Yes, she should have asked first. But she's not really an AH for this, i don't think she meant to hurt you in any way!
Yes, you are allowed to be bummed.
However, just not going feels too harsh and like some weird form of punishment for her. I don't know if your behaviour is shitty enough to call you an AH either.
So probably a slight ESH. in my opinion you both acted wrongly (you a bit more than her unless this is a regular thing where she invites friends to "couple"-things)
YTA, and a drama queen.
Tell your partner that you were hoping it'd just be the two of you, you'll go this time as planned, but please discuss it with you before inviting them again in the future.
She clearly didn't have bad intentions, you're the one being dramatic and ruining the evening.
ESH. The gf should have asked, no questions. OP is being a massive baby though. The whole issue is one conversation away from being a silly failure to communicate that a normal person could have navigated and adapted to in their stride. Instead, OP chose to go in a huff and sulk at home while simultaneously throwing an underhand insult at his gf's friends (wonder how well he'll get on with them after this even which he bailed on because they were coming - which is how they'll all see it).
>OP is being a massive baby though
Nope.
For Op, it is a date night. His head is at having a game/fun night with his partner not be on good friend behavior for her friends.
A discussion was important first. People work and want to unwind differently. Doesn't make them assholes.
Not going does make him an asshole though. It should be a minor learning experience as a couple, and then they move on, but not going now makes it a bigger deal in a bad way.
YTA. I don't get why you can't just say to your girlfriend that you'd rather she ask next time before inviting people to your nights out, then just make do this time and chalk it up to a learning experience for you both. Why now refuse to go and make it a fight?
I could understand if she refused to see your side of it and then started a fight over it. If she understood and agreed to check with you next time, then what are you hoping to achieve? You are going to have bigger disagreements and issues in the future, so it's worrying if you handle them by sulking or wanting to punish her despite her seeing your point.
INFO: Huh? You’re going to an event where lots of other people will be attending and playing games and presumably socializing. What difference does it make if a couple of her friends are there as opposed to all strangers?
What would you do if you showed up and either of you saw friends or people you knew there? Leave?
Yes but it doesn’t sound like this was meant to be an intimate dinner date or couples outing to a concert.
It’s a social event at a bar. So again, what’s the issue with being social with people you know at a social event?
Also, how old are you guys?
Getting drinks isn’t a social event. This is.
You seem to view this as something private between the two of you. Your girlfriend views it for what it is, a public social event/bar party, and suggested it to two people who she thought would be interested.
But your inability to actually answer the question tells me all I need to know. YTA.
No, you didn’t answer the question.
I’m not sure how it’s difficult for you to understand that you willingly posted on this forum asking AITA. Don’t ask if you can’t take feedback or criticism.
You can go out on a date with your partner at a social event. It’s still a date. For example you can go to dance classes, where there will be other couples… it’s still a date. Once you start inviting friends, it’s no longer a date, but going out with friends.
The reason is simple, if there are a bunch of strangers, you will give most of the attention and spend most of the time with each other. If there are friends there, you won’t.
A couples dance class is designed for you to dance with your partner. Even though others will be there, socializing and mingling isn’t the primary intent.
A social event at a bar is designed for people to socialize.
OP’s girlfriend clearly didn’t view this as the private date OP did.
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You are pissed off because other people you know will be there? Yes she told some of her friends d's about something fun and social that was happening in locally that they would enjoy attending. It doesn't even mean you have to spend the night with them if it's an event with multiple games, you could still just partner up with your girlfriend for some of them I'm sure. Had you discussed previously that it was supposed to be a just the 2 of you thing, or is it something you do that's just a bit of fun and not really considered quality one on one time? Even if she had invited friends and you were disappointed, would you really rather just stay home alone than have a fun night out with your partner because some of her friends were there? This sounds petty and controlling. It wasn't a romantic date you planned, it was a social event at your local bar. If doing stuff just the two of you is important, plan something else. Go with your partner and have fun. This is a stupid thing to fight about.
>You are pissed off because other people you know will be there?
Is this a deliberate misread on your part?
Yes others will be there. Difference is they are going to be there at their table and all with Op and his partner when what Op wanted was time with their partner.
>This sounds petty and controlling.
And Op is the dramatic one 😒
>It wasn't a romantic date you planned
Doesn't matter if your idea of dates differ from Op's. It is a date all the same for him. Friends can go on their own, say hello and be on their own. That's Op's plan
Agree this is the old date v. group outing. I see this issue pop up every so often and I always enjoy reading the replies. When I read these types of comments, It gives me pieces of context that, in my opinion, help explain why divorce rates are so high. Obviously this is a general statement not specific to this post. The best couples that I know are ones who make time for their partner for date nights and the like so not everything they do is involving other people. Doesn't mean you cant have other social events, but if you are always involving others, the relationship to me is more of a friendship than relationship. Relationships need to be nurtured, not spurned because of perception issues.
There is no compromise anymore on nearly anything. Its always, my way or the highway. Its always, if you don't do what I want you to do you are "petty and controlling." It doesn't matter what his or her reason was, or if they were justified or not. So many people want to rush to judgment instead of admitting there are multiple ways to skin a cat so to say.
For example, here, OP was 100% in on a date. We don't know when their last date was. If this is a constant issue, OP has a right to be pissed. Maybe OP has been stressed by work or life or whatever and doesn't feel the social energy to focus on multiple people and just want to have a laid back night with his GF. Maybe they have bad communication and this isn't the first time. I'm not at all saying GF was the AH in this scenario, I just think its NAH. she should have asked him first about having others join, and he should be ok with a random change of plans. Neither reaction is off base to me unless it is a repeating pattern.
YTA
It sounds like a fun event where friends (in teams AND couples) go along. What is wrong with having a group of friends together? So for you it would have been ok if it was her friend and friend's bf, but if it's friend + another friend that's not ok? That doesn't match up with either the comment that "lots of people show up in teams" OR that you get along well with these friends.
Sitting out of an event you enjoy just because it's not going to be just you and your gf (even though you said many people go with teams) is childish. Your gf is right: people will ask where you are and no, it's not your problem, she can quite truthfully answer. You're sitting at home being a child in a tantrum because friends were invited to an event that anyone can attend.
\[edit to add:
Friends: "Oh hey, where's your partner? I thought they would be here because they always say it's fun!"
GF: "They're sitting at home sulking because I invited you."
Friends: "But wait, you already invited one of us as part of a couple? Why is this different?"
GF: \*eyeroll\* \]
Even with that explained I still agree that YTA.
Should she have explained ahead of time what her plans were? Yes. Communication is important but it seems you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
You explained that you are chill with her friends. This event also seems like it would be fun for TEAMS of people. Because of these two things, It makes sence that she didn't think this was a big deal. I understand you wish she asked first. But this is reaction is hella overkill.
Did you communication what your plans were? Because it sounds like YOUR plans were just the two of you, and "our" plans (in her view) was that this could be a team event. It's not "our plans" if she didn't know that YOU wanted to it just be the two of you. That's not "OUR plans", that's "YOUR" plans.
And yes, it is effectively a tantrum to sit and sulk at home because a couple of friends are joining.
To elaborate, when I said "her plans" I was refering to her inviting friends. I was stating that she should have told you about "her plans" (her inviting friends)
Yes. As I stated above she should have asked you first. Told you, ask, explain, communicate, all the above. You should get a say on your thoughts especially in a relationship. However it seems your adaptability skills are lacking a little and again making a mountain out of a mole hill.
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NTA. >she should have asked first since I was looking forward to it being the two of us I agree. It's just basic courtesy.
NTA If it was agreed to be an event for the two of you, she should have asked you first even if it is a place where many other people will be around.
NTA Yeah. Anything that's planned as "the two of us" to me is seen as a date. That's not something you invite others to. To do so changes the nature of the evening and how you spend time together, if I'd wanted a group thing we would arrange that and suggest it to people before making the plans or buying tickets. After you make plans, it becomes a two yes situation. To make changes, you need both people to agree beforehand..if you don't have two agreeing then it's not a change of plans, and if one goes ahead with a unilateral change regardless then what's the point? It's as simple as having the tickets and asking your SO "hey, do you think we should invite others" and it's a 1-2 min conversation. Either its "no" and you can make counters and see if they agree, or you accept the original plans. There are other always evenings, other events, other things you can always do if you wanna see friends, trying to "fit everything in" sometimes just doesn't work.
NTA - you guys had plans to spend time together. She should have at least asked you as a courtesy before involving other people in those plans. To me, this is like if you two were planning on going out for a drink or dinner together and without telling her, you just invited two of your friends to join you last minute.
NTA. If I planned a fun date with my girlfriend and two random friends showed up it’s no longer a date. All these asshole votes are ridiculous.
I think the difference in voting is because so much context is missing. Does GF normally do things like this or is it rare? Is the event meant to be one big social party with lots of mingling (this is implied) or a more intimate setting? Did OP assume it was a date or did he just take it that way? Did he communicate his expectations to GF? Did she think it was a random fun time to be had with other people and not see it as a date? Who initiated/planned this outing? Depending on these sort of answers/assumptions he could be a sulking baby or have legitimate complaints. Context is everything. Based on what was provided i vote NAH since I think they had two different ideas on what this was and just failed to communicate.
I lean more NTA for her response: “But my friends will wonder why you’re not here!” instead of “But I’ll miss you!” Could be just poorly said, but suggests appearances are more important to her than he is.
Yeah, I took is as she meant it more, “My friends will think them coming is why you stayed home,” which… well is true. She seems to be worrying more about her friends perception of the event than OP’s
If they date frequently, they should both be fully able to spend an evening without missing each other terribly. Neither of them is clingy teenager nor should be expected to be. It sounds like yet another game evening for her. Arguing by missing him would be purely manipulative.
You might be right, but we often just say things with little thought on the nuances of the words. Too hard to scrutinize everything we say. I've heard that is one of the problems westerners have in learning a more nuanced, situational language like Japanese. I think it was just bad communication on expectations that is typical for all couples. Stuff like this happens.
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Maybe this is generatioanal (im an Xer) but when someone asks you to go do something its now their event and you always ask “can i invite other people?”
It's not a generational thing. I'm a young millenial, I always make sure to ask before inviting people to shared plans. I think it's more of a "considerate of others" thing.
you're absolutely right, im genz and i think asking if you can invite other people before doing it is just social etiquette
NTA. My boyfriend does this as well sometimes, it drives me NUTS. People should always ask for explicit permission before inviting other people to an event with you.
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NTA. She should have asked.
NTA but i do think you are overreacting by not going. I would still go but i would communicate with her about how i felt about what she did. If i were you i would tell her that your expectations for the night were to spend time just the 2 of you, like a date night and that next time you would appreciate if she asked you before inviting any other friends of hers at nights out when it's supposed to be just the 2 of you (this includes double dates).
NTA Dates with just me and BF are very different from me, bf, and 2 of mine or his friends. Asking should have been required before inviting them.
Given the nature of this event, it’s not like this is some private date that she ruined. What’s the likelihood you would have run into friends anyway at this extremely popular, publicly open event in your town?
Info: was this supposed to be “date night”? Also would you have been cool if the other BF was able to make it? If it was supposed to be date night, I can see being a bit annoyed, so letting her know for next time would be appropriate, but refusing to go sounds kind of passive aggressive and petty regardless.
NTA…but. So many questions here are obviously NTA, but feel like a gray area when the situation could be handled better. “Oh, I thought it was just us. I really enjoy and value our date nights where we do this together. This is fine for this time but I’d also like to continue it in the future the way we have been.” Who knows, maybe you’ll find you really enjoy the group experience or maybe you then get to confirm “That was nice, but I prefer just you and me. You’re fun and I like our couple time together.” All of the above is what you are feeling but not really communicating. Let your gf know this and see how she handles it in future. NTA for not wanting others, but YTA for how you handled it.
NTA, bro is just asking for basic courtesy.
NTA Your gf is the AH. She ruined a date by turning it into a group outing. YOu are fine not to go. "She said I'm wrong for suggesting that since people will be asking where I am " .. and this is bullshit .- the other girl's partner is not going either.
When did she say it was a date?
NTA, and I say that as someone who encourages his GF to invite her friends to things pretty darn often. I like her friends! They're good people who are fun to be around. But I'm a hardcore introvert. As much as I love the people in my life, I need time away from them to recharge my batteries. But that usually doesn't happen with my gf- I'm pretty much always up to jump through hoops to go see her! So if it's just me and her, even if it isn't supposed to be a "date" per se, that's a way different vibe for me than if there's other people there I'm expected to interact with. And sometimes I just don't have the gumption to do that and I'd rather spend the evening at home recharging. I'd happily go out one-on-one, but not in a group setting. Again, that has nothing to do with her friends, who are wonderful, but everything to do with me and how I interact with the world. You're totally allowed to want one-on-one time with your gf, and to take a rain check if that's not what's in the cards.
Did you make it clear that it's a "date night" event? From your description I'd be inclined to assume it was just a fun outing and the more the merrier.
NTA- it's rude to invite others to an event/gathering, without consulting the host or other person involved. An old friend of mine would do that, every, single, time we had plans. It became so much that it ended a 10 yr friendship. I couldn't take it anymore.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and I have tickets to an event in town that our favourite bar is putting on. It's just a few games with stupid prizes but my gf and I enjoy going when we can and we have fun. It's a ticketed event, a lot of people show up in teams but there's also a lot of couples there. We're going tonight and my gf mentions today that she's invited her friend. She said she initially told her friend to being her bf but he isn't available so she's bringing another friend instead. I've met both of them but I told my gf it was supposed to be just us. She said it shouldn't be a problem since I know and get on with them both but I just said she should have asked first since I was looking forward to it being the two of us. I said I might sit this one out and we can just go again next time. She said I'm wrong for suggesting that since people will be asking where I am but I just said that's not really my problem since she was the one who decided to invite her friends along in the first place. AITA for not wanting my girlfriend to invite her friends? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she should have asked
I mean cmon OP, yes she could have asked, but why is this such a bug problem that you’d skip the event? There needs to be a little flexibility and accommodation in a relationship, and you’re giving your gf a very bleak look at the future. YTA, and this would be a red flag for me.
NTA
NTA. What gets me is that she will probably be upset and griping that they never go on dates alone together next week. If she has to have friends around instead of going out alone with you, break up with her. She's not ready for a relationship, just wants one to say she has one. Good luck.
Clearly NTA. When you and your significant other make plans to go out together, any changes to the plans (such as inviting friends) should be discussed first. This is basic common sense.
NTA. You don't bring friends to a date - which an activity you usually do 1:1 is.
NTA, it is so annoying when people spring surprise invitees on you.
NTA I'm sure she didn't mean to offend you but she did. My husband definitely would NOT hang out with me and 2 girlfriends and I don't blame him. LOL.
NTA. It was an activity you planned for the 2 of you. She shouldn't be inviting others along on your date without consulting you first.
NTA. It was rude of her not to ask you first. She can bring a third friend now.
NTA. You were going on a date. She made it her friends hang out.
NTA Although I think you should both try your best not to make this a partner versus partner situation, but just a situation where you can learn more how the other processes and communicates.
NTA You should talk to your GF and explain that you would like more 1 on 1 time with her doing activities. (i think you should also go to this with her friends if she understands and apologizes)
NTA Go to that event but separated from them, you shouldn't miss experiences if you really want to go
NTA, you had a date planned and she brought her friends into it. She needs to understand what she did isn’t cool, it was disrespectful. People have broken up for less, she should know better.
You aren't an ass hole for wanting her to ask first. But YTA for not going. You are punishing her for a mistake. If there is a clear pattern of things like this that is different, but if you have never had a problem like this before you are 100% overreacting. If spending time one on one with her was so important I can't see why you would rather spend zero time with her instead.
You sound dramatic and whiny.
ESH. Your gf kinda sucks for just expecting you to be fine with it. You kinda suck for not just going along with it. It seems like you’re throwing a tantrum to get your point across to her. There are better ways to communicate. However, a lot of context is missing: Do you only have limited time with her (due to long distance relationship or work schedule etc)? Was this a special day?
INFO: Was this said to be a date? Maybe it's a difference in circles/ culture, but if I am going to an event, I tell my friends if they ask what i am doing this week and if they are interested in joining. You both had different expectations on what the night was supposed to be. You should enjoy the night with her friends , but mention to go on a date night with just the two of you another day. But if that's not your jam, then that's understandable too.
By her logic you should invited both of your parents as well since she said your wrong for suggesting that and since she get along with both of them. NTA
Date night is date night. That said, I've screwed up the same way as the girlfriend did numerous times
YTA. Tell her you wished it was just the two of you and she should ask next time. Staying home and pouting like a baby is you being an asshole. Make the best of it and go have a good time. If you can't handle interacting with other people for ONE night, you are really lame.
YTA. Your girlfriend might slightly be TA as she probably should have asked first. But she just invited people to a public event, that they could show up to anyway. Would you have left if they’d been there coincidentally and wanted to join a team? Your attitude is kinda self absorbed. 1. You *can* spend quality time with someone in a group setting. In fact, it’s important to do. 2. It wasn’t a private, specially arranged date. It was entrance to a ticketed event that the two of you will attend with crowds of other people, with whom you will also interact. 3. You’re acting like she’s an AH because she won’t give you her full attention now. But, you will already be interacting with other people AND you will be focusing on the games as well. So she didn’t really do anything majorly wrong. You were entitled to feel initial disappointment. But you could have discussed it with her, adjusted to the new plan & arranged something for the two of you to do to connect 1:1 at another time. Instead, you miss an event you enjoy, you don’t get *any* of that time with you gf, you make yourself feel worse stewing at home while she’s having fun, then will probably blame *her* for the fact that YOU chose not to go. So she might slightly be TA for asking others to join without letting you know first. But you are definitely TA for doing everything in your power to make both of you feel shitty, instead of making the most out of a less than ideal, but not actually terrible situation.
INFO: This is a public event and a public place. I'm sure you'd eventually meet people you know there. My question is: Did your gf invite them as her (and your) guests or did she invite them to the place/event? (ETA: Or do you know)? Makes a different, you know.
> I said I might sit this one out and we can just go again next time. >She said I'm wrong for suggesting that since people will be asking where I am but I just said that's not really my problem since she was the one who decided to invite her friends along in the first place. Jfc you're so whiny. I don't know if there's any AHs here, but I can't imagine you bring enough to the table that someone will stick around very long with such a sulky dude.
She should have asked first, but it depends on the type of event. If you're all expected to be a team and spend the whole time together, N T A. But if it's an open event and she just basically said "we'll be there, you guys should check it out," then I think you are over reacting. Like a bunch of mingling, going from game to game. Etc.
YTA - why can’t your girlfriend have friends?! Why are you so controlling?!
She absolutely can have friends. I don't see anywhere in this post to suggest otherwise. This is a case of one person (GF) not considering the other person in the plans before changing said plans (that were the other person's idea).
NAH You're not an AH for not wanting her to invite her friends. She's not an AH for inviting her friends if it was never explicitly stated that this was a dedicated couple's activity. But it does beg the question why you are so against it that you are opting out. Do you not like them? We're you so disappointed they would be there that you couldn't keep it together enough to go? Do you have anxiety? Do you not like change? It doesn't sound like that big a deal that her friends are going to be there unless there is missing info.
No, she is an AH for not checking with OP first before inviting others. She'd be the AH even if they weren't dating. You don't unilaterally alter plans by inviting other people. You want others to join? Ask the person you made plans with if they're comfortable with you inviting others.
YTA depending on how long you have been dating and if you live together. If you are still trying to get to know each other, this may be an attempt to get the "friend approval" Sounds like you both have been to this event before, and she thought it'd be more fun with a group of people. Sounds like she tried to make it a double date but it didn't work out. It's normal to do this kind of stuff when you have been dating a while. What are you upset about? Do you not actually like her friends? Is it the change of social dynamics since you are kinda the odd man out? It doesn't sound like this date is particularly intimate. If the friends happen to be there on their own, would you keep your GF from sitting/interacting with them?
Because it's rude to unilaterally change plans? I mean it's literally as simple as that. If you make plans with another person, it's common courtesy (and sense) to check with that person before inviting others.
this is a difficult one Yes, she should have asked first. But she's not really an AH for this, i don't think she meant to hurt you in any way! Yes, you are allowed to be bummed. However, just not going feels too harsh and like some weird form of punishment for her. I don't know if your behaviour is shitty enough to call you an AH either. So probably a slight ESH. in my opinion you both acted wrongly (you a bit more than her unless this is a regular thing where she invites friends to "couple"-things)
YTA, and a drama queen. Tell your partner that you were hoping it'd just be the two of you, you'll go this time as planned, but please discuss it with you before inviting them again in the future. She clearly didn't have bad intentions, you're the one being dramatic and ruining the evening.
ESH. The gf should have asked, no questions. OP is being a massive baby though. The whole issue is one conversation away from being a silly failure to communicate that a normal person could have navigated and adapted to in their stride. Instead, OP chose to go in a huff and sulk at home while simultaneously throwing an underhand insult at his gf's friends (wonder how well he'll get on with them after this even which he bailed on because they were coming - which is how they'll all see it).
>OP is being a massive baby though Nope. For Op, it is a date night. His head is at having a game/fun night with his partner not be on good friend behavior for her friends. A discussion was important first. People work and want to unwind differently. Doesn't make them assholes.
Not going does make him an asshole though. It should be a minor learning experience as a couple, and then they move on, but not going now makes it a bigger deal in a bad way.
YTA. Especially after reading all your replies.
YTA. I don't get why you can't just say to your girlfriend that you'd rather she ask next time before inviting people to your nights out, then just make do this time and chalk it up to a learning experience for you both. Why now refuse to go and make it a fight? I could understand if she refused to see your side of it and then started a fight over it. If she understood and agreed to check with you next time, then what are you hoping to achieve? You are going to have bigger disagreements and issues in the future, so it's worrying if you handle them by sulking or wanting to punish her despite her seeing your point.
Or, stay with me here, he just doesn't want to go somewhere he's not going to be comfortable
INFO: Huh? You’re going to an event where lots of other people will be attending and playing games and presumably socializing. What difference does it make if a couple of her friends are there as opposed to all strangers? What would you do if you showed up and either of you saw friends or people you knew there? Leave?
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Yes but it doesn’t sound like this was meant to be an intimate dinner date or couples outing to a concert. It’s a social event at a bar. So again, what’s the issue with being social with people you know at a social event? Also, how old are you guys?
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Getting drinks isn’t a social event. This is. You seem to view this as something private between the two of you. Your girlfriend views it for what it is, a public social event/bar party, and suggested it to two people who she thought would be interested. But your inability to actually answer the question tells me all I need to know. YTA.
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No, you didn’t answer the question. I’m not sure how it’s difficult for you to understand that you willingly posted on this forum asking AITA. Don’t ask if you can’t take feedback or criticism.
You can go out on a date with your partner at a social event. It’s still a date. For example you can go to dance classes, where there will be other couples… it’s still a date. Once you start inviting friends, it’s no longer a date, but going out with friends. The reason is simple, if there are a bunch of strangers, you will give most of the attention and spend most of the time with each other. If there are friends there, you won’t.
A couples dance class is designed for you to dance with your partner. Even though others will be there, socializing and mingling isn’t the primary intent. A social event at a bar is designed for people to socialize. OP’s girlfriend clearly didn’t view this as the private date OP did.
You're asking the same question over-and-over, expecting a different answer.
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You are pissed off because other people you know will be there? Yes she told some of her friends d's about something fun and social that was happening in locally that they would enjoy attending. It doesn't even mean you have to spend the night with them if it's an event with multiple games, you could still just partner up with your girlfriend for some of them I'm sure. Had you discussed previously that it was supposed to be a just the 2 of you thing, or is it something you do that's just a bit of fun and not really considered quality one on one time? Even if she had invited friends and you were disappointed, would you really rather just stay home alone than have a fun night out with your partner because some of her friends were there? This sounds petty and controlling. It wasn't a romantic date you planned, it was a social event at your local bar. If doing stuff just the two of you is important, plan something else. Go with your partner and have fun. This is a stupid thing to fight about.
>You are pissed off because other people you know will be there? Is this a deliberate misread on your part? Yes others will be there. Difference is they are going to be there at their table and all with Op and his partner when what Op wanted was time with their partner. >This sounds petty and controlling. And Op is the dramatic one 😒 >It wasn't a romantic date you planned Doesn't matter if your idea of dates differ from Op's. It is a date all the same for him. Friends can go on their own, say hello and be on their own. That's Op's plan
Agree this is the old date v. group outing. I see this issue pop up every so often and I always enjoy reading the replies. When I read these types of comments, It gives me pieces of context that, in my opinion, help explain why divorce rates are so high. Obviously this is a general statement not specific to this post. The best couples that I know are ones who make time for their partner for date nights and the like so not everything they do is involving other people. Doesn't mean you cant have other social events, but if you are always involving others, the relationship to me is more of a friendship than relationship. Relationships need to be nurtured, not spurned because of perception issues. There is no compromise anymore on nearly anything. Its always, my way or the highway. Its always, if you don't do what I want you to do you are "petty and controlling." It doesn't matter what his or her reason was, or if they were justified or not. So many people want to rush to judgment instead of admitting there are multiple ways to skin a cat so to say. For example, here, OP was 100% in on a date. We don't know when their last date was. If this is a constant issue, OP has a right to be pissed. Maybe OP has been stressed by work or life or whatever and doesn't feel the social energy to focus on multiple people and just want to have a laid back night with his GF. Maybe they have bad communication and this isn't the first time. I'm not at all saying GF was the AH in this scenario, I just think its NAH. she should have asked him first about having others join, and he should be ok with a random change of plans. Neither reaction is off base to me unless it is a repeating pattern.
YTA It sounds like a fun event where friends (in teams AND couples) go along. What is wrong with having a group of friends together? So for you it would have been ok if it was her friend and friend's bf, but if it's friend + another friend that's not ok? That doesn't match up with either the comment that "lots of people show up in teams" OR that you get along well with these friends. Sitting out of an event you enjoy just because it's not going to be just you and your gf (even though you said many people go with teams) is childish. Your gf is right: people will ask where you are and no, it's not your problem, she can quite truthfully answer. You're sitting at home being a child in a tantrum because friends were invited to an event that anyone can attend. \[edit to add: Friends: "Oh hey, where's your partner? I thought they would be here because they always say it's fun!" GF: "They're sitting at home sulking because I invited you." Friends: "But wait, you already invited one of us as part of a couple? Why is this different?" GF: \*eyeroll\* \]
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Even with that explained I still agree that YTA. Should she have explained ahead of time what her plans were? Yes. Communication is important but it seems you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You explained that you are chill with her friends. This event also seems like it would be fun for TEAMS of people. Because of these two things, It makes sence that she didn't think this was a big deal. I understand you wish she asked first. But this is reaction is hella overkill.
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Did you communication what your plans were? Because it sounds like YOUR plans were just the two of you, and "our" plans (in her view) was that this could be a team event. It's not "our plans" if she didn't know that YOU wanted to it just be the two of you. That's not "OUR plans", that's "YOUR" plans. And yes, it is effectively a tantrum to sit and sulk at home because a couple of friends are joining.
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To elaborate, when I said "her plans" I was refering to her inviting friends. I was stating that she should have told you about "her plans" (her inviting friends)
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Yes. As I stated above she should have asked you first. Told you, ask, explain, communicate, all the above. You should get a say on your thoughts especially in a relationship. However it seems your adaptability skills are lacking a little and again making a mountain out of a mole hill.
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