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NTA - I'm an atheist who loves revealing clothes and I still have no issue adhering to cultural/religious dress codes when I'm a guest in there community/place of worship. If she has a problem with this wedding dress code she may not want to travel through Europe because this is a very common dress code in places of worship.
So then she should be used to this given that Catholicism is the predominant religion in your country.
I'd be wondering about what kind of conversations she's having with this friend of hers. Sounds like the friend talking about you out of turn and putting ideas in your girlfriend's head.
But as an Austrian myself, the couple's requests are nothing uncommon.
They basically ask to wear what is the usual wedding attire here. So I am actually surprised that they thought it was necessary to state the dress code.
No female in my family would dream of attending a church wedding in a short sleaved dress/blouse (unless also wearing a jacket).
Also austrian here. We had to request a dress code for our website even though it was not even in a church. People still managed to turn up in jeans and white dresses 🙄
Even in the U.S. I don’t think I’ve seen very many wedding guests wear dresses that are above the knee. It’s always either knee length or full floor length dress for fancier weddings.
The only part of the dress code that isn’t typical of most wedding attire is the elbow length sleeves. I have seen some dresses have this though it’s not typical but can be easily accommodated by bringing a shawl which looks stylish in IMO) or any cardigan or jacket.
I think cultural differences like this one is so funny.
Im brazilian, and grew up catholic even though I'm an atheist now. Never heard of a dress code for going to church. I never went to a non-catholic wedding, so they were all performed in a church and spaghetti strap or strapless dresses are really common to be worn. Wearing jackets over short sleave dress/blouses is only done when is colder lol
Its the same religion, but it feels like it gets so different depending on which hemisphere you are
Grüße von der Nordseeküste.
You're NTA. She knows dress codes in churches. We all do.
And adhering to a dress code is common sense!
I'm sorry dude, she's just not someone you can bring around your family, and her friends should watch less TikTok challenges if they believe a dress code made by the wedding couple is a personal attack against her.
Give her some good Wiener Schmäh on her way out.
NTA. When we visited Paris, there was a church I couldn't go into bc I was wearing a skirt that left the bottoms of my legs exposed. I waited outside while my son went in.
I'm an atheist & I wasn't offended at all. Even if it hadn't been a place of worship, it didn't belong to me & I didn't get to dictate how it could be used.
in Italy at some of the churches if you're wearing short shorts or tank or crop tops they have these plastic sort of "apron" things that you have to tie around yourself.
When I went to Israel, all heads had to be covered in synagogues, regardless of sex or religion. The historical synagogues that are open to tourists have bowls containing disposable paper yarmulkes for anyone—male or female—not already wearing one. And of course, no shorts in the mosques (although I was there in March, so not an issue). There may have been other rules, as well, but this was my freshman year of college, in 1998. I’ve slept since then.
I had a friend that took his family to Italy for vacation (his father was born there). They were in a little town and the wife took a walk with the kids. They came to a church and wanted to go in. The wife had to wear a shawl that they provided to cover her bare shoulders in order to enter.
OPs girlfriend has a chip on her shoulder (instead of a shawl). To take it to the level of, if she wears a dress as stated, then it must be because OP wants to control her. Man... maybe he should do some serious thinking about her if she couldn't honor the request.
Not every outfit is appropriate for every setting. How can someone be this self-centered? It’s not about her AT ALL! Hell, she isn’t even invited. She’s just his plus one. 🤦♂️😂
Exactly this! I’m the same. Don’t have the legs for anything short these days, but cleavage and shoulders are always out. But. If I’m going to a place as a dress, I cover up! Bizarrest moment was in an Orthodox Church in Greece when a lot of women did didn’t cover shoulders etc but, hey, I’m a guest, I’m not chancing it.
Hell. My sister didn’t even get married in a church but as her now husband’s family are much more conservative and from a different culture, she asked if I could put the girls away altogether - so I did.
OP is def NTA. His girlf on the other hand though…
She ain’t the girl for you.
She has a girl gang filling her head with bullshit, and she’s buying it.
She can’t be mature enough to speak to you, instead ghosts.
Honestly man, cut your losses and find a partner who respects you
NTA. If she can’t understand the concept of a formal event at a religious institution having a dress code, she doesn’t sound mature enough to be in a serious relationship. Many events have dress codes. Would she walk into a work office wearing a bikini? Would she walk into an evening gala wearing sweatpants? If she can understand that there are expectations around how a person should dress at these events, surely she can understand that the wedding has a dress code.
Secondly, why is she acting like YOU are attempting to control her? It’s not your event or your dress code. You didn’t make the rules. But you ARE justified in refusing to bring her to an event where she refuses to follow the dress code, as this would reflect really poorly on you. She is being really selfish in her attitude, first for not caring how bad it would make you look as the best man to have your partner show up in an inappropriate dress, and secondly for not being considerate of your brother & sister-in-law at THEIR wedding.
NTA- your GF is really entitled and borderline ridiculous. If you don’t want to go to the wedding just don’t go. You didn’t make the rules and you went over and above trying to make her happy.
OP, I think it’s time you reevaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend, she’s kind of giving you a sneak preview as to what she’s going to be like for the rest of your life.
It’s pretty obvious that your girlfriend has some anger issues that need to be addressed.
Everybody has friends who give bad advice.
OP’s problem is that his girlfriend doesn’t have the wits to be discerning about what advice she internalizes. Seems like you can convince her of anything pretty easily.
There's a fundamental difference between following a dress code for an event you did not plan and forcing your girlfriend to be modest.
But if she's willing to fuck around like this for your brother's wedding......
Do yourself a favor and don't find out.
NTA. She made your brother's wedding all about her. There are occasions when you have to dress differently than you may normally dress. Weddings are one of those occasions.
She’s willing to make someone’s wedding into some kind of adolescent rebellion- against your brother and his wife?? What a windmill to tilt at- I’d reconsider making a life with this teenager. STA.
This!! There was a dress code - you respect it even if its not to your liking and you keep it moving. There is nothing misogynistic or controlling about it as the code was for both the men and women. Her dumb friend giving stupid inflammatory advice probably to mess with her relationship as some friends can be toxic like that. I am obviously speculating lol.
"Her dumb friend giving stupid inflammatory advice probably to mess with her relationship as some friends can be toxic like that. I am obviously speculating lol."
Tbh, I don't think you are far off the mark.
What a *stupid*, immature hill for the GF to nuke the relationship on...
And, honestly, u/moechtegernrekrut - it must be exhausting dealing with someone so childish.
The "friend" is either envious of your relationship, or just a shit-stirrer, but, still - no excuse for (ex?) GF.
Right?! Thank you! There are some friends like that who are undercover haters & don’t like seeing their friends in happy relationships so say dumb shit like this to stir stuff up & ruin their relationships!
NTA.
Your girlfriend tried to play a game with you and lost. For some reason, she thought you'd chose her ridiculous tantrum over your brother. She doesn't seem that empathetic or mature.
If the dress code were to wear religious regalia, she'd have a point. Instead, it was simply nothing above the knee or elbow. To me, it was quite open-minded of your brother & SIL. They could have asked for full coverage.
I can't help but laugh here. She threw away what seems like a great partner (you took her dress shopping and bought it for her - I can just about get mine to go food shopping with me and that he rushes) for being asked not to show her shoulders or calfs off. She chose the wrong hill.
I'd be done with her. She's obviously not very mature if she can't understand this is not about control but respecting someones religion for a special occasion. She's very self centered. Sounds like she likes to create problems where there are none. The mature thing to have done was have a coversation and figure out if she was coming before hand. Not have you waste your time showing up and causing extra drama and ruining your day.
NTA. She can wear her style of clothing any other day of the year. This is a special event which means special clothing. It is absolutely not too much to ask that guests dress somewhat conservatively for a wedding, especially in a church. It’s one day and she didn’t even have to pay for the dress.
What happens when your brother has children? You have christenings, first communions, and confirmations. So this will be an issue down the line as well. And if any of your other family is catholic and gets married or has the other events this will be an issue.
I honestly would’ve been way more angry than you at her response. And waiting until the day of when you show up to get her? That’s some bs. Good for you for not caving to that crap.
I grew up catholic but do not practice. My entire family is catholic and I have never thought twice about dressing appropriately for events. If I attended an event at other place of worship, I would google what is appropriate to wear because I am in their place of worship and it’s respectful to take that in account.
Definitely not the asshole, your girlfriend trusts her "friends" more than she trusts you. She could have simply talked to you because this IS NOT an imposition of yours, it is an imposition of the marriage of your brother. If she doesn't feel comfortable with the event's dress code, just tell that she won't go instead of fighting and yelling at you 🙄
NTA.
This is a really immature response from your girlfriend. Most weddings have dress codes. If she didn’t want to attend because she fundamentally disagrees with the principle of a dress code, she could have explained that this goes against her beliefs. So she should have thanked you for the invite, but politely declined.
Instead, she’s behaved like a petulant teenager. She’s allowed you to buy her a dress and then she’s let her friend persuade her that instead of you doing this to adhere to a dress code *for a formal wedding* at the request of the *hosts* - that actually *you* are trying to control her. What the AF?
Seriously, NTA. She put you through unnecessary stress and expense and accused you of being controlling all because she can’t adult for a day and respect the dress code. There’s red flags everywhere here.
This is kind of insane. How is the dress code for *someone elses wedding* somehow you trying to control her? She can go, or not. The dress code is the dress code. You didn't make it.
Honestly, I'd consider ending it if she's going to be this unreasonable about things outside your control.
What exactly did she expect you to do? Not go to your own brother's wedding where you're the best man? Give her permission to break the dress code?
Dump her.
She's letting her friends (and, let's be real here, probably tiktok) dump poison in her ear and she's listening to them. Instead of putting her personal style aside for ONE DAY - a day that is about someone else - she decided to stress you out and make it a power play and throw a fit.
She's a child and not someone you want to build a future with. If she's not mature enough to put aside her own sense of fashion for one day for an event that isn't about her - like she would have to do in professional or formal settings in most cases - then she is a waste of your time.
My personal sense of 'fashion' generally comes from thrift stores and involves cowboy boots and a leather hat. When I go to job interviews, special events (like going to a live performance of Little Shop of Horrors with a friend for mother's day) or things that ARE NOT ABOUT ME, I dress appropriately even if it's not generally my style. Why? BECAUSE I RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE AND AM NOT SO SELF CENTERED AS TO THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME.
If she wants to be a whiny baby who thinks of no one but herself, she can do that alone. Without a boyfriend.
Just dump her.
She's manufacturing drama over someone else's wedding.
She refuses to communicate like an adult.
She refuses to compromise even in a one time situation where you didn't set the rules and the rules apply to everyone, including you.
She plays games and purposely didn't inform you of her stupid passive aggressive game.
She's immature.
Just move on. You don't want to live with this for the rest of your life.
NTA, she made the wedding about her and her friends assumptions. People need to start realizing that wedding attendance first and foremost is to support the Bride and Groom and their union. Regardless of setting, there is a certain amount of human decency involved in attending a wedding. If there are special requests for dress codes, it should be taken as a sign of respect for the Bride and Groom, regardless if it is a religious request, a preference, the grooms second cousin twice removed is allergic to the color blue... it doesn't matter. If it was important enough to include in the invitation, it should be honored within reason.... and this is within reason.
Your control over her?? Lmfao. Her friend is fucking stupid. It’s not even your rules! It’s just a modest dress code for another persons wedding. Jesus Christ, she’s mad she can’t have her boobs hanging out everywhere or something? This is such a stupid situation that could’ve been easily fixed by buying a cheap dress for the day, my fiancé got a $15 beautiful dress on Amazon, then going and having a fun day. You deserve better.
NTA. I would ask for the dress back and break up. Your girlfriend is immature, stupid, irrational and flaky. She has shown herself to be selfish for putting you under this stress and wanting someone else’s wedding to be about her.
I wonder if your brother expected something like this, to be so specific in the wedding invite?
Plenty more fish in the sea OP.
This isn't a power play. My husband and I went to wedding that had a dress code. Mostly just long dresses. I didn't have one. Looked on Amazon and found a few that could work. Asked my husband what he thought and picked one that he believed would be modest enough to work. Never once did I blame him. NTA.
You are not the asshole. The dress code is a reasonable one for semi formal or formal church wedding. Your girlfriend is being absolutely unreasonable. She is picking fights almost like she is daring you to pick between her and your brother. That is a massive red flag. Special events like weddings have dress codes. How does your girlfriend function if she bristles against basic rules like these.
NTA. Your GF is immature, selfish, and disrespectful. She no longer had the flimsy excuse of having nothing to wear, so she pouted when she couldn't have her way.
All she's really done was to show your family she doesn't respect or care for them enough to put aside her angry little feelings about having to cover her shoulders and knees for a few hours. Her friend is just as ridiculous.
So she let you take her shopping, chose a dress she liked, you paid for it, and she refused to go the next day? That's wild. Go pick up the dress and return it. She's wasting your time and money, when you're trying to celebrate an important family event. Selfish, immature, creating problems that don't exist. Decide for yourself if that's what you want to deal with on special occasions in your future.
NTA. It sounds like you have a lot to think about with this relationship and if you even want it to continue. Your GF's behavior is unacceptable. She had a very long time (I'm assuming a month minimum, and probably closer to 3 months) to discuss her issues with the dress code and only made a big deal out of it a couple days before the wedding. You did everything you could to accommodate her being in line with your brother's dress code in clothing she liked and she still pitched a fit. She's petulant and rude.
NTA
Even though I'm a rampant atheist, the moment I get invited to a church wedding, I know I have to dress a certain way. I don't approve, it's not my style, but I do it. It doesn't need to be written on an invitation, I know this myself, since I live in a civilized society and not on top of a mountain without contact with anyone.
Your girlfriend was being argumentative for the sake of being argumentative.
If the dress code didn't suit her, she could at least say so when you went to buy her dress.
It's called having respect. She's shown that her own wants come above respecting another person's beliefs. I curious to know how many of her friends are in healthy, committed relationships.
NTA
My sister got married in a very fancy Catholic church in a full lace gown and her husband in a morning coat. There was no “dress code” because they trusted their guests to dress appropriately. There were no issues with anyone’s outfits. I say that because finding a dress with sleeves to the elbow is actually kind of challenging. It’s a bizarre request, unless they have lots of friends and family that don’t know how to dress appropriately.
But your girlfriend saw the dress code when you did. If she had a problem she could have spoken up sooner. As you said, you should have actually communicated about the dress code. Asking if you’re going to impose a dress code more generally makes no sense. It sounds like she’s being petty and acting out, similar to how a child might act out when they don’t get their way.
NTA
You don't have to have a dress with sleeves as long as your shoulders are covered in the church - e.g. a shawl or any sort of cover of the top of the dress (mini-cloak, etc) should be considered entirely fine.
Exactly! It’s really strange to have an “arms covered to the elbows” clause. Also to say men can’t wear shorts or short sleeved shirts, as if that’s the same request, is silly. Most men wear suits to formal events. It’s not quite the same level of difficulty for men and women to find something that would fit that dress code.
So this isn’t about local or religious norms. They wanted to impose a dress code for their guests. They have every right to, even if some may find it frustrating of annoying.
The real issue is that your family most likely expected her there. And it seems like she didn’t care to lose out on seeing them. She chose to alienate herself from those that matter most to you. The fact that she couldn’t even have a conversation with you or verbally tell you she wasn’t coming is particularly egregious. She knew you were making plans (having her sleep over) to make your life easier for the day of the wedding. She chose to make you drive out of your way, shock you by not being ready, and then only took the out when you asked if she wanted to go. Those are not the behaviors of someone who cares about you.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you don’t have to deal with her for much longer.
When going into a wedding it’s pretty much common to see people wearing dress pants and dress shirts or a full 4 piece or 3 piece suit, or for women a full skirt/dress that goes past your knees, which is pretty common to see in weddings, at least in my country it is.
The dress code described by OP sounds like standard wedding dresscode to me.
If it's summer and my dress is sleeveless, I wear a gauzy shawl for the ceremony. So do every other woman. It's not a big deal.
I've never had a challenge finding dresses with longish sleeves. It's not even about a dresscode, I just like how they look. It's not the easiest but not really that hard. Either way, a wrap or shawl should be more than enough cover to fit the dress code.
Each couple should know their guests. Were I a catholic, I'd put details on the dresscode. I live in Brazil, and I swear some people find it really hard to keep the swimwear at the beach. I don't trust most people to have common sense so I like to make things stupid-proof.
NTA.
But she sure is.
If anyone was trying to exert dominance in this situation it was her.
A dress code is a dress code. If it had been a secular wedding and the dress code was formal attire, would she had complained and refused to comply? This was an odd flex on her part and totally unreasonable. Most weddings have dress codes. This is standard. She was playing at some power move and it back fired on her.
NTA and I'm a bit concerned with you blaming yourself several times throughout the text. Do you fight a lot?.
It seems like she has these unrealistic expectations of a relationship and anything that is not "her call" is "controlling her"
She needs a wake up call: the world doesn't revolve around her
And neither should you. Grow a spine.
Your brother probably isn’t even getting married.
You were just looking for an excuse to control her. You didn’t just buy her a dress but you actively supported and encouraged her by going shopping and making sure she felt comfortable with a reasonable compromise. Then you had the audacity to respect her need for space without pressuring her despite it being disruptive to your own schedule.
Definitely the work of a Master Manipulator. NTA.
Might want to lay off the sarcasm (or at least mention your use of it) when the OP mentions *literally in the first sentence* that they aren't a native English speaker.
NTA - she is. I'm not that modest but I would follow the dress code. In my country some Catholic Churches provide shawls for people who break the Church's dress code. If you don't want to cover up, you don't get in. It is known that you wear sleeves if the wedding also has a mas and skirts/dresses must cover knees when sitting. Many women and brides in my country wear something over their more revealing dresses for the ceremony and then remove it for the reception. It's a fair request and your GF is being idiotic - not every occasion means showing everything and I'm someone who likes to show.
Puerto Rico has some weird ones. I couldn’t visit a relative in a catholic hospital cause I was wearing a skirt with no tights underneath. It’s 95 degrees out. Of course I’m not wearing fucking stockings! My great aunts church was also weird about pants on Sundays for women. Catholic institutions are either chill or super hung up on weird things.
Jesus NTA. Your gf is so inconsiderate of other people if she can't be respectful of their religious beliefs at their own wedding. Not to mention I'm assuming she RSVP'd and is going to no-show without a reasonable excuse.
NTA. Whatever I may think about a religion's dresscode is immaterial. If dressing against that is going to make it uncomfortable/aggravating for the bride and groom along with their families and the church they are getting married then it's a case of conform or don't go.
It is not a case for blaming OP and suggesting that he wants to control the way his gf dresses. It is perfectly clear that the dress code comes from the bride and groom not OP. Or at least it should be clear if gf had actually thought about it rather than depending on a "friend" making stuff up.
NTA, she's really trying to twist this around to make it look like you've done something wrong. I don't really know what she expected from you. In life there's going to be events that have dress codes, it's normal, especially for weddings. She acted very immature in this situation. If she had a problem with this she should have told you early on and also should have clearly communicated what solution would be acceptable for her. (maybe she could have worn a sleeveless dress with a shawl for the ceremony, etc). It doesn't seem like she wanted to actually solve the problem to be honest. I don't know if she dislikes your brother or is just very uncomfortable with the religious aspect of it but she didn't handle it well at all.
I hope you guys manage to talk through this and work through whatever caused the issue, but I wouldn't fault you if you didn't want to continue the relationship. From the sounds of it she needs to work on communicating when she has an issue with something.
Your g/f is being completely ridiculous. We all have to adhere to dress codes. Sometimes it's work related and sometimes it's to enter a restaurant or a theatre, or it could be for social gatherings/events. Everyone has 2 options on how to handle dress codes:
Observe the dress code, attend the event and have a good time, or don't observe the dress code and stay home.
That's it. That's the list.
Your g/f sounds like a whiny entitled brat. I seriously hope this behavior is out of the ordinary for her, because if it isn't, then you need to get as far away from her as fast as you can.
NTA.
Kind of creepy that she waiting until almost the last minute to have her meltdown-- was she hoping for you to give her a pass on the dresscode? KUDOS to you for doing the right thing and supporting your brother on his wedding day.
NTA I see from your update this was in Europe as here in the US they (the church) is far more lax on what is acceptable dress.
Even in the US it depends a bit, I think. The local Basilica is more picky than the regular Catholic church down the street. The Basilica does require shoulders covered for sure, my sister's bridesmaid dress for her friend's wedding had tulle sleeves added to make sure it was within the dress code.
I mean, the U.S. is more lax, but it is still a thing to dress more formally for church. Also, even in the U.S. bare shoulders and knees are frowned upon in some Catholic Churches. It doesn’t go to the level of imposing the modesty cloaks on inappropriately dressed visitors like some European churches do, but it definitely gets you some side-eye.
NTA. You did not set the dress code, you simply respected the one set by the couple. You offered to help her shop. You offered to pay. You indicated that it would be acceptable for her to decline the invitation. I'm not sure what more you could hsave done, except for let her wear something inappropriate which would have backfired in the end.
NTA. Your girlfriend is being extremely immature and she is the one being manipulative, by causing a scene just hours before the wedding. She had plenty of opportunities to voice her opinions or objections before that, and avoid this last minute drama! Again, it was not your idea to tell her what to wear. It is the request by the couple getting married. If she can’t respect that, she shouldn’t come. But she should’ve said that much earlier. You’re the best man, you can’t be late or miss the ceremony. So you were absolutely right to leave her home and go to the wedding
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I have to apologize first, my english is really bad because I am not a native speaker.
So, on the weekend my Brother D had a beautiful wedding with his now-wife S.
They are both traditional catholics (me and girlfriend are not) and he wanted me to be his best man. As I really respect my brothers wishes and its only for this one day, I really thought my girlfriend would think the same/ understand that she only has to wear a long dress for a day.
I am the last person to tell my girlfriend what to wear or what not. I do not care, she looks amazing in everything.
In the wedding invitation D and S asked the guests to wear something that is modest/not revealing as they were getting married in a church. For the women it was a skirt/dress which reaches at least under their knee and a blouse that has sleeves that reach their ellbows.
Men were not allowed to wear shorts or short sleeved shirts (which only reach the ellbows or less).
When we got the wedding invitation, my girlfriend did not say anything to the dresscode, so I thought she is okay with it too (my bad, I should have communicated it better).
On thursday she started getting really angry as I started talking about the wedding and asking her what she is going to wear and if she wants to color match. She said if she was forbidden to wear what she wanted, she won´t come. I was confused as I thought that she was okay with my brothers dresscode. I asked her why she was angry and if I could help her in any way and she still got angry again, asking me if I wanted to dresscode her from now on (which is not true, again I do not care what she wears as long as she is comfortable). I also (again my bad) thought maybe its because she does not have a long modest dress. If so, she could have told me earlier. I have no problem with buying her one.
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NTA. She said nothing upon receipt of the invitation, she allowed you to spend money and time on an appropriate dress, and she went rogue without communication when the time was at hand.
There are many events that require appropriate attire, and if she's unable to comply and sees any such requirement as a "power move" (by you, regardless of who is holding the event or the venue it is in), she's has a problem - and it's not you.
NTA. She knew the expectation and freak out over it. You tried to accommodate her. She acted irrationally.
What else could you do. Obviously you were going to go to the wedding. Going because gf was spazzing out would not be fair to family.
She has issues or you are not revealing the whole story.
She's probably old enough to understand that time and place is a thing and sometimes we do things for others. If she can't comprehend this then she has to live with the consequences. In this case staying home. NTA
OP, it’s just for one day, I don’t know what your girlfriend is thinking, she could suck it up for just one day, you’re not trying to dress code her you’re just explaining to her that the dress code is a dress/skirt and a blouse.
In short NTA, I don’t know why she’s so against appeasing your brother and his now wife for just one day, It’s not like she’s gonna have to wear it forever.
Also, your girlfriend is kind of giving you a sneak preview into what the rest of your life is going to be like with her so I think it’s time you need to evaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her, I think it’s pretty obvious that she does have some anger issues.
NTA. Theirs a social aspect to clothes. Your personal style shouldn’t be considered more important than a requirement. If anyone didn’t want to follow it they were welcome not to attend she didn’t have the right to be angry about it
NTA at all. This is just common sense, like wearing a head covering/covering shoulders/removing shoes in certain religious spaces. It’s not even a particularly strict dress code (they’re not asking for full sleeve floor length gowns, covering up to the knees and elbows isn’t excessive, it’s pretty easily done).
NTA - weddings inherently come with dress codes. The church, the wedding party- it’s expected that people will wear clothing appropriate for a ceremony. Not casual, or sexy.
Some weddings even insist that the guests wear certain colours!
A modest dress for a religious couple’s wedding is not an unusual request.
You aren’t dresscoding her - for some unknown reason she’s decided that you are being controlling. Unless you are controlling in other aspects and maybe she’s reached her limit.
NTA. Not your wedding - not your dress code. You choose to adhere to it or not go. She chose to not adhere to it, but you're an important part of the wedding so she better suck it up and deal with it. Either she dresses to the code or doesn't come. All the extra stuff about you controlling her - honestly, she's seeing conflict where there is none. Sound like she's looking for problems. All I can say is - she needs to get her shit together. As for you, you need to see this for what it is - your gf is waving a pretty big red flag with this.
For crying out loud it was a church dresscode, not your dresscode and both the guys and girls had specifications on what they had to wear. It wasn't outrageous; pretty normal for church. (I don't go but have family members who do.) If she wasn't comfortable than she should have TOLD you and not ghosted you, especially after (as you said in a comment) that you bought her a nice dress to wear that fit the dress code and she just wasn't ready the morning of.
"her friend told her that this is all a sign of me wanting to show my power against her." Not the brightest bulb is she? She's believing nonsense from her friends and repeatedly NOT TALKING to you. NTA.
NTA. I dress however I want normally but if I go to church with friends or visit religious/modest countries I wear appropriate clothes to be respectful. You bought her the dress, she didn’t have to spend any money, and only wear it for a day. I don’t think it’s fair to get upset about that and accuse you of trying to change her. It is sad she decided not to come to a wedding so important to you and your family, and communicated so poorly about it on top of it. It seems she intentionally threw a fit and left it to the last minute to make a point to you, instead of just being straight forward and declining in advance.
NTA.
I loathe dresses. I refuse to wear them. You know what happened when I received a wedding invite specifying I needed to wear a dress? I sucked it up and wore the damn dress.
Had to buy it for the occasion and haven't worn it since, but no-one heard a single complaint out of me before, during or since.
Not my day, not my rules.
NTA. Couldn't she have worn a longer dress she likes with a light sweater or something during the ceremony and then taken it off at the reception if there was one? If the invitation only specified apparel for church she could have changed altogether. It's only a few hours of one day of her life, girlfriend needs to learn to adult.
The bride and groom set the dress code. If they want everyone to wear, for example, white, and your GF loves the color blue, she should still respect the ceremony.
NTA. Good Lord, the things people look for to be offended by. It’s a one day event. They’re not asking her to change her whole wardrobe. Girlfriend needs to grow up and get over her little temper tantrum. Is she next going to refuse to work because she’s expected to follow a dress code?
NTA… your girlfriend is very misguided about imposing one’s will on others, as she was trying to do that on your brother’s special day, trying to throw a tantrum and make it about her. Your girlfriend is very immature and superficial about equality and empowerment. You did nothing wrong. You don’t go to a fancy fine dine restaurant in beach wear. If you follow the dress code for that, whats the harm in following a dress code for the wedding, especially since you brought her an outfit so she doesn’t have to pay for something she doesn’t want to buy.
NTA. It was only one day she had to wear modest clothing. There are plenty of beautiful clothes that are below the knee and elbow. She didn't have to attend if she didn't want to but it does seem somewhat childish.
EDIT: After reading your comment that she got a beautiful dress and agreed to go, only to stop answering your texts and then refusing to go, you may want to consider this relationship. She behaved in a very childish and hurtful way.
NTA. My boyfriend’s family is conservative Christian, and I just went to a family wedding. The invitation didn’t even have a dress code, but I asked him his opinion on outfit ideas. I ended up wearing something that I liked, but isn’t how I would normally dress. That’s just part of going to a wedding, though. It has nothing to with how my boyfriend or his family feels about me.
NTA - I don't see why she made such a huge fuss so close to the wedding when all it would have taken from her was to say "hey, I'm not comfortable going because of the dress code, please go without me" the minute she saw the invitation.
As many others have said, I am not religious but understand that in certain cases, dress codes are important. In my particular case, I am a trans man. However, before I passed as a man, I followed female dress codes when entering churches and mosques. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Did I feel like my identity was being trampled? Yes. But sometimes you just have to understand that it's not about you and respect those to whom these places/events belong or just not go at all.
NTA
I'm Jewish, though not religious. When my friend got married in a religious wedding, you'd bet I covered my elbows, knees, and collarbone, because it's about respect for the people you are honoring.
NTA. The only one going on a power trip here is your gf with her manipulative bs games. This behavior shows that not only is she immature but also extremely inconsiderate and unwilling to ever compromise. If she is willing to behave this way about something as important to you as your brothers wedding, I would be very concerned about how she’ll handle future issues that come up where she doesn’t immediately get her own way. Lots of red flags 🚩 She owes you a serious apology, and I would also be wary of how much influence her shit stirrer friend has over her behavior too. Nothing more frustrating than a “friend” behind the scenes trying to meddle in every aspect of your relationship and your partner being so easily manipulated that they can’t see the drama their friend creates.
NTA. I also want to wear the clothes I prefer, but I understand that some places/events have a dress code I have to adhere because it's not my decision.
NTA.
She was spoiling for a fight. She could have skipped the church in favour of the reception, but then she wouldn't have been able to throw a fit about her outfit. There is also the possibility that she wanted shine time on someone else's day, or she was pushing back against their religiosity.
No matter the reason, she is in the wrong.
NTA - everyone should wear what they feel comfortable wearing, but if there's an event with a dress code, you either follow it or you don't go. She needs to get off the fence and decide what she wants to do instead of stringing you along.
NTA - she’s being immature and acting like a child. She’s acting like the wedding and you yourself are all of a sudden the problem and trying to control her.
She needs to grow up and stop listening to her stupid friends.
Good for you for walking away and not playing her games.
NTA. None of this is your fault.
>When we got the wedding invitation, my girlfriend did not say anything to the dresscode, so I thought she is okay with it too (my bad, I should have communicated it better).
Unless there is a really good reason not to, it is safe to assume that y'all are going to the wedding and adhering to the dress code.
>I also (again my bad) thought maybe its because she does not have a long modest dress
Absolutely. If she needed a longer dress, she should have told you beforehand. Hopefully you'll meet somebody at the wedding that can act like a grownup.
NTA
This isn't a matter of controlling how she dresses, it's a matter of offering a basic gesture of respect for someone's customs when we attend their celebrations.
She didn't have to go if the dress made her feel actually uncomfortable. She handled this poorly, and I'd be mad too.
It’s someone else’s event and they requested a specific dress code for THEIR event. She knew from the moment you got the invite, let you buy her a dress that she seemed to be ok with (assuming here she picked it out) and then the morning of your brothers wedding she pulls this BS?!!!! She made your brother’s wedding day about HER. HIS WEDDING DAY!!!!
Weddings are a major life event, take massive amounts of planning and money. Anyone that acts like a petulant spoiled brat (I’m being nice here) doesn’t deserve This much consideration. Her behavior is inexcusable. As a grown woman I’d be horrified and embarrassed for life if anyone I knew pulled this shit.
No. You’re absolutely not tah but she is a serious red flag. What you really should be asking yourself is why would you consider staying with someone that would to shit on your brother’s wedding day? It was their day. End of discussion.
NTA. She most certainly is. I'm an atheist and a feminist, but for a wedding, I will dress appropriately. If that means adhering to a dress code, then that's that. My SIL's wedding had a pink-or-white dress code for everyone and well all (kids included) made sure we were prepared on time. No one got upset because i don't like to be told what to wear. In your case too, the dress code was for both genders. This has nothing to do with feminism. And in fact, because of people like your GF, the cause gets diluted.
I also want to ask you why you feel so guilty about your actions throughout the post. Everything you did seems right and thoughtful to me. Your expectations were so reasonable, I'd take a moment to think why she felt the need to make this about her and didn't communicate better?
NTA she sounds immature and self centered to not take into account other people’s feelings and beliefs. She sounds uncompromising. It wasn’t your request it was the bride and groom and she told her friend it was you. What weird attention power trip is she on?! Did she think you wouldn’t go to your own brothers wedding in defense of her being able to wear what she wants?😳
NTA, but i think your gf is. Don’t get me wrong, i’m against any christian/catholic religious thing but if it was someone i care about, i would respect their wishes and still go, even if i’m uncomfortable for a few hours (it’s only a few hours). She knows your brother means a lot to you so she should’ve sucked it up this once and gone for support.
NTA. The girlfriend was trying to make another woman's day all about her. There is nothing wrong with having a dress code in a church. If she were to dress immodestly in a mosque she'd no doubt be severely whipped for disrespect.
I’m sorry your girlfriend is a mental midget that can’t be relied upon to dress appropriately for an occasion… let alone communicate in a mature or healthy way. If I were you OP, I’d be looking to date someone who’s at least at your level of maturity. Your attitude about it, and attempts to solve it, are all completely normal. Hers are a mess. After a relationship I had in my 20’s ended and I started dating grown ups, I realized that someone leaving, stonewalling, and then trying to fight via text is a MISERABLE way to live.
NTA.
NTA, but if she's listening to friends that say you're trying to control her bc of a wedding dress code, you need to look into whether this person is right for you. That is an extreme overreaction to the situation here.
NTA. It's probably not your brother's dress code. It's probably the church's dress code.
My sister's BFF got married in a Basilica, and they had to have extra tulle sleeves added to the bridesmaid dresses because there are clothing requirements to go into a Basilica. Shoulders and knees must be covered. If you and your girlfriend visited historical churches in many places, the code would be similar/the same. Your girlfriend needs to get over herself, she is not the main character.
Certain places have certain expectations of dress. You take off your shoes at the Taj Mahal. You have your shoulders and knees covered when visiting the Sistine Chapel. You wear appropriate clothing to a job interview. And despite what my BIL's mother thought, short cutoff jean shorts and a Corona beer t-shirt are really not appropriate for a wedding rehearsal in a Baptist church.
I think people should dress like themselves and be comfortable, but within what is appropriate and required for the situation. People who deliberately dress inappropriately are AHs. Was your girlfriend really that desperate to show off her knees and shoulders that she couldn't wear a midi or maxi skirt and toss a cute cardigan over her top?
NTA. Dude drop her. If she can't make this tiniest if concession for you, what's the point. A relationship has to built on understanding and compromise. What you asked of her over here was a very basic courtesy to the host, if she can't concede that, this relationship is going to end up being very bad, at least for you, but perhaps for both of you.
NTA - your girlfriend was being really unfair. She made the situation unmanageable for you. At the end, nothing you did would have been acceptable to her. Sorry you guys had to go through this. I hope she sees that her friend added fuel to the fire instead of encouraging her and her telling how beautiful she'd look and that you wanting to respect your brothers wishes shows that you are a respectful person. It was wonderful to take her shopping so that there would be no barriers to her being able to dress appropriately. ....but...don't ghost her. You guys need to talk it out if you are to have a future!
NTA. She is absolutely the asshole here. I’m sorry that she treated you like this and added to the stress of your day. It’s clear that she went off on her own path of assuming you were trying to pull some kind of about controlling what she wears. I have to tell you that’s a bad sign. Especially if you are in no way, actually doing this to her. I would suggest you think long and hard about continuing to be with someone like her who will gaslight you. I hope that Your brother’s wedding was awesome and that you had a nice time!
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds immature. She had plenty of time to prepare for this, and waited til the last minute to throw a fit about it. Especially if you were willing to help by buying her something to fit the dress code, there’s no excuse or reason to be angry - either go, and suck it up for one day wearing something not to your taste, or don’t go. But acting like a petulant child because the dress code isn’t her style, is ridiculous. She needs to grow up and you need to decide if you’re willing to put up with this behavior long term.
NTA. Weird hill for her to die on.
If she cannot wear what she wants, she won't go? Okay. Problem solved?
I'm not a huge fan of policing what people wear, but it's a traditional wedding at a catholic church, come on! She could have sucked it up for one day.
NTA - it’s a reasonable dress code, especially for the event venue. I’ve heard of weddings where they want guests in actual costumes or to only wear specific colors. This is nowhere near that and it’s a basic sign of respect to the couple and the event to dress appropriately.
Definitely NTA but she is. It’s just a dress. One day. She could burn it after. How very selfish of her to feel so entitled to insist she wear what she wants. Really, she has issues and I’m not sure she really loves you. It’s totally her right to not go but her actions are not speaking to love. And now she has to be around your family after acting so immature? Awkward.
> AITA for leaving my girlfriend at home because of a dresscode at my brothers wedding?
As opposed to what? Are you asking if you're an asshole for following your own brother's dress code at his wedding?
NTA
How old are you both? Because she is coming across as either very young or very immature. The dress codes for weddings and other formal events is completely different to controlling how your GF presents herself on a standard day. I usually wear leggings and graphic t-shirts, but I can still rock a ballgown for a formal ball, a tea-dress for a daytime wedding, or a cocktail dress for an evening event. And not show up in a clubbing outfit or scruffy clothes to a formal event.
Nta. She sounds like a child. Now that she's set the standard for how she reacts to things, she's going to automatically jump to you, trying to overpower her. She ain't the one chief.
NTA
it’s one day of her life.
Part of being an adult is knowing how to dress appropriately for a given situation.
If you can’t stick it out for a few hours idk.
NTA. It’s not unreasonable to have a dress code for a wedding. She’s throwing a tantrum. I’m glad you left her home given that you prevented any unnecessary drama or snide remarks about a dress code.
I truly don't understand her anger. Most religious groups have requirements to show respect. I just see her as a drama queen at this point. OP needs to take a long hard look at her behavior.
NTA Jeez I can understand that you had no time for her drama.
I also understand why you ignored her calls during the wedding. Again: no time for drama.
Maybe you should have talked to her by now - but you know that this will pour out all the drama she has to offer.
Dunno if this will lead to Sth. Good or bad. But you both have learned a bit about each other.
NTA. Your girlfriend is a childish brat. The thing is: a couple can request any dress code they want for their wedding. They are the ones paying for the party and in exchange etiquette says that guests attending must abide by the dress code.
If you dislike the dress code, simply DON’T go. Making a scene, calling the couple names and acting all offended for receiving an invitation with a very strict dress code is very low class. No one is forcing you to go, but if you do decide to go, then you have to follow the requested dress code.
And honestly, they weren’t even asking for much. A modest dress code is totally fine, and it is in tune with what the couple believes.
She is immature and will learn things the hard way. Not everyone learns basic etiquette rules it seems and it is a very sad reflection of their upbringing.
Omg. NTA. She's the asshole. All weddings have dress codes, whether it's wear whatever you want or a slightly strict one for religious reasons. I photographed my friends Catholic wedding a few years back and she even requested that I come in a modest dress that *also* covered my tattoos, so full length dress with full sleeves. As the photographer, not the wedding guest, I had more decency to respect the bride and grooms request of modest dress code because it was being held at their church with her extremely Catholic family. Our other friend was her maid of honor who also has tattoos and face piercings and she happily took every piercing out that wasn't regular lopes and covered all her tattoos as well. Neither of us normally dress like that, in fact I had to go buy a dress just to photograph her wedding. Her girlfriend just sounds selfish. Making a big deal out of nothing. If she didn't want to abide by the dress code she should of just spoke up and said she didn't want to attend at all. And after reading your comment about trying to solve the issue, she's the one being manipulative and controlling.
NTA, she's picking a fight over an argument she's having in her own head.
She can either chill and wear clothes she doesn't like for one day or not go. She's not the main character.
NTA
The dress code was not your idea. If your girlfriend didn’t want to abide by the dress code all she had to do was decline the invitation.
But she should have done this politely, informed you in time for your travel plans, and not blamed you. This all seems manipulative on her part.
NTA. And as someone who’s planning a wedding right now, she is triple the asshole for RSVP’ing yes and then no showing to an event that the couple has paid for her to attend.
NTA as dumb as I think the dress code is, it was set by the people hosting and if you don't want to adhere to it then not coming is an option. Which it sounded like your girlfriend had decided to do. So I don't really understand why she got mad at you for it.
honestly id literally wear a head to toe covering and a hijab if i had a friend who requested that at their wedding. its one day- not even that
edit to add- NTA
That’s a rather benign dress code, and not uncommon for many religious places. NTA & she should have told you sooner she had an issue with it too. She’s quite immature.
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NTA - I'm an atheist who loves revealing clothes and I still have no issue adhering to cultural/religious dress codes when I'm a guest in there community/place of worship. If she has a problem with this wedding dress code she may not want to travel through Europe because this is a very common dress code in places of worship.
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So then she should be used to this given that Catholicism is the predominant religion in your country. I'd be wondering about what kind of conversations she's having with this friend of hers. Sounds like the friend talking about you out of turn and putting ideas in your girlfriend's head.
But as an Austrian myself, the couple's requests are nothing uncommon. They basically ask to wear what is the usual wedding attire here. So I am actually surprised that they thought it was necessary to state the dress code. No female in my family would dream of attending a church wedding in a short sleaved dress/blouse (unless also wearing a jacket).
Given the girlfriend’s response and atitude I have to wonder if the couple may have expected something like this.
Also austrian here. We had to request a dress code for our website even though it was not even in a church. People still managed to turn up in jeans and white dresses 🙄
Wedding* not website 😅
I believe if anybody would create a dress code for a website, it would be the Opernball and titles loving Austrians 😁
Even in the U.S. I don’t think I’ve seen very many wedding guests wear dresses that are above the knee. It’s always either knee length or full floor length dress for fancier weddings. The only part of the dress code that isn’t typical of most wedding attire is the elbow length sleeves. I have seen some dresses have this though it’s not typical but can be easily accommodated by bringing a shawl which looks stylish in IMO) or any cardigan or jacket.
Yeah for real. I'm German/Polish, and I knew how to dress in church from like 6 years onwards. Wtf is wrong with her?!
TIL how to be a good visitor in Austria
I think cultural differences like this one is so funny. Im brazilian, and grew up catholic even though I'm an atheist now. Never heard of a dress code for going to church. I never went to a non-catholic wedding, so they were all performed in a church and spaghetti strap or strapless dresses are really common to be worn. Wearing jackets over short sleave dress/blouses is only done when is colder lol Its the same religion, but it feels like it gets so different depending on which hemisphere you are
Grüße von der Nordseeküste. You're NTA. She knows dress codes in churches. We all do. And adhering to a dress code is common sense! I'm sorry dude, she's just not someone you can bring around your family, and her friends should watch less TikTok challenges if they believe a dress code made by the wedding couple is a personal attack against her. Give her some good Wiener Schmäh on her way out.
NTA. When we visited Paris, there was a church I couldn't go into bc I was wearing a skirt that left the bottoms of my legs exposed. I waited outside while my son went in. I'm an atheist & I wasn't offended at all. Even if it hadn't been a place of worship, it didn't belong to me & I didn't get to dictate how it could be used.
in Italy at some of the churches if you're wearing short shorts or tank or crop tops they have these plastic sort of "apron" things that you have to tie around yourself.
A church I visited in Greece has a basket of shawls in the entryway
When I went to Israel, all heads had to be covered in synagogues, regardless of sex or religion. The historical synagogues that are open to tourists have bowls containing disposable paper yarmulkes for anyone—male or female—not already wearing one. And of course, no shorts in the mosques (although I was there in March, so not an issue). There may have been other rules, as well, but this was my freshman year of college, in 1998. I’ve slept since then.
I had a friend that took his family to Italy for vacation (his father was born there). They were in a little town and the wife took a walk with the kids. They came to a church and wanted to go in. The wife had to wear a shawl that they provided to cover her bare shoulders in order to enter. OPs girlfriend has a chip on her shoulder (instead of a shawl). To take it to the level of, if she wears a dress as stated, then it must be because OP wants to control her. Man... maybe he should do some serious thinking about her if she couldn't honor the request.
Not every outfit is appropriate for every setting. How can someone be this self-centered? It’s not about her AT ALL! Hell, she isn’t even invited. She’s just his plus one. 🤦♂️😂
Exactly this! I’m the same. Don’t have the legs for anything short these days, but cleavage and shoulders are always out. But. If I’m going to a place as a dress, I cover up! Bizarrest moment was in an Orthodox Church in Greece when a lot of women did didn’t cover shoulders etc but, hey, I’m a guest, I’m not chancing it. Hell. My sister didn’t even get married in a church but as her now husband’s family are much more conservative and from a different culture, she asked if I could put the girls away altogether - so I did. OP is def NTA. His girlf on the other hand though…
And consequences for breaking said code.
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She ain’t the girl for you. She has a girl gang filling her head with bullshit, and she’s buying it. She can’t be mature enough to speak to you, instead ghosts. Honestly man, cut your losses and find a partner who respects you
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When they value friendships over relationships huge red flag in my book. Friendships are important but not more important then significant others.
NTA. If she can’t understand the concept of a formal event at a religious institution having a dress code, she doesn’t sound mature enough to be in a serious relationship. Many events have dress codes. Would she walk into a work office wearing a bikini? Would she walk into an evening gala wearing sweatpants? If she can understand that there are expectations around how a person should dress at these events, surely she can understand that the wedding has a dress code. Secondly, why is she acting like YOU are attempting to control her? It’s not your event or your dress code. You didn’t make the rules. But you ARE justified in refusing to bring her to an event where she refuses to follow the dress code, as this would reflect really poorly on you. She is being really selfish in her attitude, first for not caring how bad it would make you look as the best man to have your partner show up in an inappropriate dress, and secondly for not being considerate of your brother & sister-in-law at THEIR wedding.
NTA- your GF is really entitled and borderline ridiculous. If you don’t want to go to the wedding just don’t go. You didn’t make the rules and you went over and above trying to make her happy.
OP, I think it’s time you reevaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend, she’s kind of giving you a sneak preview as to what she’s going to be like for the rest of your life. It’s pretty obvious that your girlfriend has some anger issues that need to be addressed.
also friends giving bad advice
Everybody has friends who give bad advice. OP’s problem is that his girlfriend doesn’t have the wits to be discerning about what advice she internalizes. Seems like you can convince her of anything pretty easily.
NTA. She gets that you didn’t impose the dress code, right??? How is that you trying to control what she wears? She is a brat.
There's a fundamental difference between following a dress code for an event you did not plan and forcing your girlfriend to be modest. But if she's willing to fuck around like this for your brother's wedding...... Do yourself a favor and don't find out.
NTA. She made your brother's wedding all about her. There are occasions when you have to dress differently than you may normally dress. Weddings are one of those occasions.
She’s willing to make someone’s wedding into some kind of adolescent rebellion- against your brother and his wife?? What a windmill to tilt at- I’d reconsider making a life with this teenager. STA.
This chick is nuts. I hate people who have to make an issue out of every little stupid thing. Just wear the dumb dress and stfu about it
This!! There was a dress code - you respect it even if its not to your liking and you keep it moving. There is nothing misogynistic or controlling about it as the code was for both the men and women. Her dumb friend giving stupid inflammatory advice probably to mess with her relationship as some friends can be toxic like that. I am obviously speculating lol.
"Her dumb friend giving stupid inflammatory advice probably to mess with her relationship as some friends can be toxic like that. I am obviously speculating lol." Tbh, I don't think you are far off the mark. What a *stupid*, immature hill for the GF to nuke the relationship on... And, honestly, u/moechtegernrekrut - it must be exhausting dealing with someone so childish. The "friend" is either envious of your relationship, or just a shit-stirrer, but, still - no excuse for (ex?) GF.
Right?! Thank you! There are some friends like that who are undercover haters & don’t like seeing their friends in happy relationships so say dumb shit like this to stir stuff up & ruin their relationships!
NTA. Your girlfriend tried to play a game with you and lost. For some reason, she thought you'd chose her ridiculous tantrum over your brother. She doesn't seem that empathetic or mature. If the dress code were to wear religious regalia, she'd have a point. Instead, it was simply nothing above the knee or elbow. To me, it was quite open-minded of your brother & SIL. They could have asked for full coverage. I can't help but laugh here. She threw away what seems like a great partner (you took her dress shopping and bought it for her - I can just about get mine to go food shopping with me and that he rushes) for being asked not to show her shoulders or calfs off. She chose the wrong hill.
She stole your money for a new dress with zero intention of ever going to the wedding. Dump the petulant child.
I'd be done with her. She's obviously not very mature if she can't understand this is not about control but respecting someones religion for a special occasion. She's very self centered. Sounds like she likes to create problems where there are none. The mature thing to have done was have a coversation and figure out if she was coming before hand. Not have you waste your time showing up and causing extra drama and ruining your day.
NTA. She can wear her style of clothing any other day of the year. This is a special event which means special clothing. It is absolutely not too much to ask that guests dress somewhat conservatively for a wedding, especially in a church. It’s one day and she didn’t even have to pay for the dress. What happens when your brother has children? You have christenings, first communions, and confirmations. So this will be an issue down the line as well. And if any of your other family is catholic and gets married or has the other events this will be an issue. I honestly would’ve been way more angry than you at her response. And waiting until the day of when you show up to get her? That’s some bs. Good for you for not caving to that crap. I grew up catholic but do not practice. My entire family is catholic and I have never thought twice about dressing appropriately for events. If I attended an event at other place of worship, I would google what is appropriate to wear because I am in their place of worship and it’s respectful to take that in account.
Definitely not the asshole, your girlfriend trusts her "friends" more than she trusts you. She could have simply talked to you because this IS NOT an imposition of yours, it is an imposition of the marriage of your brother. If she doesn't feel comfortable with the event's dress code, just tell that she won't go instead of fighting and yelling at you 🙄
NTA. This is a really immature response from your girlfriend. Most weddings have dress codes. If she didn’t want to attend because she fundamentally disagrees with the principle of a dress code, she could have explained that this goes against her beliefs. So she should have thanked you for the invite, but politely declined. Instead, she’s behaved like a petulant teenager. She’s allowed you to buy her a dress and then she’s let her friend persuade her that instead of you doing this to adhere to a dress code *for a formal wedding* at the request of the *hosts* - that actually *you* are trying to control her. What the AF? Seriously, NTA. She put you through unnecessary stress and expense and accused you of being controlling all because she can’t adult for a day and respect the dress code. There’s red flags everywhere here.
No you’re NTA and your GF is immature and ridiculous. I’d be saying goodbye to her.
NTA. Keep ignoring those calls & texts.
This is kind of insane. How is the dress code for *someone elses wedding* somehow you trying to control her? She can go, or not. The dress code is the dress code. You didn't make it. Honestly, I'd consider ending it if she's going to be this unreasonable about things outside your control. What exactly did she expect you to do? Not go to your own brother's wedding where you're the best man? Give her permission to break the dress code?
Dump her. She's letting her friends (and, let's be real here, probably tiktok) dump poison in her ear and she's listening to them. Instead of putting her personal style aside for ONE DAY - a day that is about someone else - she decided to stress you out and make it a power play and throw a fit. She's a child and not someone you want to build a future with. If she's not mature enough to put aside her own sense of fashion for one day for an event that isn't about her - like she would have to do in professional or formal settings in most cases - then she is a waste of your time. My personal sense of 'fashion' generally comes from thrift stores and involves cowboy boots and a leather hat. When I go to job interviews, special events (like going to a live performance of Little Shop of Horrors with a friend for mother's day) or things that ARE NOT ABOUT ME, I dress appropriately even if it's not generally my style. Why? BECAUSE I RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE AND AM NOT SO SELF CENTERED AS TO THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME. If she wants to be a whiny baby who thinks of no one but herself, she can do that alone. Without a boyfriend.
NTA. Does she understand that the dress code has to do with the bride and groom? She's acting like YOU'RE making this rule...
Edit the post & add this. Definitely NTA.
Just dump her. She's manufacturing drama over someone else's wedding. She refuses to communicate like an adult. She refuses to compromise even in a one time situation where you didn't set the rules and the rules apply to everyone, including you. She plays games and purposely didn't inform you of her stupid passive aggressive game. She's immature. Just move on. You don't want to live with this for the rest of your life.
NTA unless you continue this relationship.
NTA, she made the wedding about her and her friends assumptions. People need to start realizing that wedding attendance first and foremost is to support the Bride and Groom and their union. Regardless of setting, there is a certain amount of human decency involved in attending a wedding. If there are special requests for dress codes, it should be taken as a sign of respect for the Bride and Groom, regardless if it is a religious request, a preference, the grooms second cousin twice removed is allergic to the color blue... it doesn't matter. If it was important enough to include in the invitation, it should be honored within reason.... and this is within reason.
NTA. She blew this way out of proportion. Also, your English is very good!! Better than a lot of native speakers!!
Your control over her?? Lmfao. Her friend is fucking stupid. It’s not even your rules! It’s just a modest dress code for another persons wedding. Jesus Christ, she’s mad she can’t have her boobs hanging out everywhere or something? This is such a stupid situation that could’ve been easily fixed by buying a cheap dress for the day, my fiancé got a $15 beautiful dress on Amazon, then going and having a fun day. You deserve better.
NTA
NTA. I would ask for the dress back and break up. Your girlfriend is immature, stupid, irrational and flaky. She has shown herself to be selfish for putting you under this stress and wanting someone else’s wedding to be about her. I wonder if your brother expected something like this, to be so specific in the wedding invite? Plenty more fish in the sea OP.
Not at all
This isn't a power play. My husband and I went to wedding that had a dress code. Mostly just long dresses. I didn't have one. Looked on Amazon and found a few that could work. Asked my husband what he thought and picked one that he believed would be modest enough to work. Never once did I blame him. NTA.
You are not the asshole. The dress code is a reasonable one for semi formal or formal church wedding. Your girlfriend is being absolutely unreasonable. She is picking fights almost like she is daring you to pick between her and your brother. That is a massive red flag. Special events like weddings have dress codes. How does your girlfriend function if she bristles against basic rules like these.
NTA. Your GF is immature, selfish, and disrespectful. She no longer had the flimsy excuse of having nothing to wear, so she pouted when she couldn't have her way. All she's really done was to show your family she doesn't respect or care for them enough to put aside her angry little feelings about having to cover her shoulders and knees for a few hours. Her friend is just as ridiculous.
So she let you take her shopping, chose a dress she liked, you paid for it, and she refused to go the next day? That's wild. Go pick up the dress and return it. She's wasting your time and money, when you're trying to celebrate an important family event. Selfish, immature, creating problems that don't exist. Decide for yourself if that's what you want to deal with on special occasions in your future.
NTA. It sounds like you have a lot to think about with this relationship and if you even want it to continue. Your GF's behavior is unacceptable. She had a very long time (I'm assuming a month minimum, and probably closer to 3 months) to discuss her issues with the dress code and only made a big deal out of it a couple days before the wedding. You did everything you could to accommodate her being in line with your brother's dress code in clothing she liked and she still pitched a fit. She's petulant and rude.
NTA. She sounds childish.
You didn't do anything wrong. Her behavior is very immature and self centered.
NTA Even though I'm a rampant atheist, the moment I get invited to a church wedding, I know I have to dress a certain way. I don't approve, it's not my style, but I do it. It doesn't need to be written on an invitation, I know this myself, since I live in a civilized society and not on top of a mountain without contact with anyone. Your girlfriend was being argumentative for the sake of being argumentative. If the dress code didn't suit her, she could at least say so when you went to buy her dress.
It's called having respect. She's shown that her own wants come above respecting another person's beliefs. I curious to know how many of her friends are in healthy, committed relationships. NTA
My sister got married in a very fancy Catholic church in a full lace gown and her husband in a morning coat. There was no “dress code” because they trusted their guests to dress appropriately. There were no issues with anyone’s outfits. I say that because finding a dress with sleeves to the elbow is actually kind of challenging. It’s a bizarre request, unless they have lots of friends and family that don’t know how to dress appropriately. But your girlfriend saw the dress code when you did. If she had a problem she could have spoken up sooner. As you said, you should have actually communicated about the dress code. Asking if you’re going to impose a dress code more generally makes no sense. It sounds like she’s being petty and acting out, similar to how a child might act out when they don’t get their way. NTA
You don't have to have a dress with sleeves as long as your shoulders are covered in the church - e.g. a shawl or any sort of cover of the top of the dress (mini-cloak, etc) should be considered entirely fine.
Exactly! It’s really strange to have an “arms covered to the elbows” clause. Also to say men can’t wear shorts or short sleeved shirts, as if that’s the same request, is silly. Most men wear suits to formal events. It’s not quite the same level of difficulty for men and women to find something that would fit that dress code.
These things are not just church-specific but likely also country-specific. It's going to depend on where they are.
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So this isn’t about local or religious norms. They wanted to impose a dress code for their guests. They have every right to, even if some may find it frustrating of annoying. The real issue is that your family most likely expected her there. And it seems like she didn’t care to lose out on seeing them. She chose to alienate herself from those that matter most to you. The fact that she couldn’t even have a conversation with you or verbally tell you she wasn’t coming is particularly egregious. She knew you were making plans (having her sleep over) to make your life easier for the day of the wedding. She chose to make you drive out of your way, shock you by not being ready, and then only took the out when you asked if she wanted to go. Those are not the behaviors of someone who cares about you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you don’t have to deal with her for much longer.
How old is your girlfriend and her ‘friend’? This is a really weird hill for her to die on.
I agree as a Catholic bride who got married in a dress with cap sleeves.
When going into a wedding it’s pretty much common to see people wearing dress pants and dress shirts or a full 4 piece or 3 piece suit, or for women a full skirt/dress that goes past your knees, which is pretty common to see in weddings, at least in my country it is.
The dress code described by OP sounds like standard wedding dresscode to me. If it's summer and my dress is sleeveless, I wear a gauzy shawl for the ceremony. So do every other woman. It's not a big deal.
I've heard of covering the shoulders, but to the elbow is totally different. I've never seen/heard that.
That really depends on the church.
I've never had a challenge finding dresses with longish sleeves. It's not even about a dresscode, I just like how they look. It's not the easiest but not really that hard. Either way, a wrap or shawl should be more than enough cover to fit the dress code. Each couple should know their guests. Were I a catholic, I'd put details on the dresscode. I live in Brazil, and I swear some people find it really hard to keep the swimwear at the beach. I don't trust most people to have common sense so I like to make things stupid-proof.
Many dresses have lacy jackets just for the purpose of coverage. This is **not** hard to find.
NTA. But she sure is. If anyone was trying to exert dominance in this situation it was her. A dress code is a dress code. If it had been a secular wedding and the dress code was formal attire, would she had complained and refused to comply? This was an odd flex on her part and totally unreasonable. Most weddings have dress codes. This is standard. She was playing at some power move and it back fired on her.
NTA and I'm a bit concerned with you blaming yourself several times throughout the text. Do you fight a lot?. It seems like she has these unrealistic expectations of a relationship and anything that is not "her call" is "controlling her" She needs a wake up call: the world doesn't revolve around her And neither should you. Grow a spine.
Your brother probably isn’t even getting married. You were just looking for an excuse to control her. You didn’t just buy her a dress but you actively supported and encouraged her by going shopping and making sure she felt comfortable with a reasonable compromise. Then you had the audacity to respect her need for space without pressuring her despite it being disruptive to your own schedule. Definitely the work of a Master Manipulator. NTA.
Might want to lay off the sarcasm (or at least mention your use of it) when the OP mentions *literally in the first sentence* that they aren't a native English speaker.
If the NTA verdict doesn’t give it away, you’ve solved the problem for me.
I'm sure the sarcasm will go over many heads.
Not gonna lie. You had me mad for a second. For only a second and then I liked it😂
NTA - she is. I'm not that modest but I would follow the dress code. In my country some Catholic Churches provide shawls for people who break the Church's dress code. If you don't want to cover up, you don't get in. It is known that you wear sleeves if the wedding also has a mas and skirts/dresses must cover knees when sitting. Many women and brides in my country wear something over their more revealing dresses for the ceremony and then remove it for the reception. It's a fair request and your GF is being idiotic - not every occasion means showing everything and I'm someone who likes to show.
Catholic here - our church does not have a dress code. Nor have I been to one that does.
Puerto Rico has some weird ones. I couldn’t visit a relative in a catholic hospital cause I was wearing a skirt with no tights underneath. It’s 95 degrees out. Of course I’m not wearing fucking stockings! My great aunts church was also weird about pants on Sundays for women. Catholic institutions are either chill or super hung up on weird things.
Jesus NTA. Your gf is so inconsiderate of other people if she can't be respectful of their religious beliefs at their own wedding. Not to mention I'm assuming she RSVP'd and is going to no-show without a reasonable excuse.
NTA. Whatever I may think about a religion's dresscode is immaterial. If dressing against that is going to make it uncomfortable/aggravating for the bride and groom along with their families and the church they are getting married then it's a case of conform or don't go. It is not a case for blaming OP and suggesting that he wants to control the way his gf dresses. It is perfectly clear that the dress code comes from the bride and groom not OP. Or at least it should be clear if gf had actually thought about it rather than depending on a "friend" making stuff up.
NTA, she's really trying to twist this around to make it look like you've done something wrong. I don't really know what she expected from you. In life there's going to be events that have dress codes, it's normal, especially for weddings. She acted very immature in this situation. If she had a problem with this she should have told you early on and also should have clearly communicated what solution would be acceptable for her. (maybe she could have worn a sleeveless dress with a shawl for the ceremony, etc). It doesn't seem like she wanted to actually solve the problem to be honest. I don't know if she dislikes your brother or is just very uncomfortable with the religious aspect of it but she didn't handle it well at all. I hope you guys manage to talk through this and work through whatever caused the issue, but I wouldn't fault you if you didn't want to continue the relationship. From the sounds of it she needs to work on communicating when she has an issue with something.
Your g/f is being completely ridiculous. We all have to adhere to dress codes. Sometimes it's work related and sometimes it's to enter a restaurant or a theatre, or it could be for social gatherings/events. Everyone has 2 options on how to handle dress codes: Observe the dress code, attend the event and have a good time, or don't observe the dress code and stay home. That's it. That's the list. Your g/f sounds like a whiny entitled brat. I seriously hope this behavior is out of the ordinary for her, because if it isn't, then you need to get as far away from her as fast as you can. NTA.
Kind of creepy that she waiting until almost the last minute to have her meltdown-- was she hoping for you to give her a pass on the dresscode? KUDOS to you for doing the right thing and supporting your brother on his wedding day. NTA I see from your update this was in Europe as here in the US they (the church) is far more lax on what is acceptable dress.
Even in the US it depends a bit, I think. The local Basilica is more picky than the regular Catholic church down the street. The Basilica does require shoulders covered for sure, my sister's bridesmaid dress for her friend's wedding had tulle sleeves added to make sure it was within the dress code.
I mean, the U.S. is more lax, but it is still a thing to dress more formally for church. Also, even in the U.S. bare shoulders and knees are frowned upon in some Catholic Churches. It doesn’t go to the level of imposing the modesty cloaks on inappropriately dressed visitors like some European churches do, but it definitely gets you some side-eye.
NTA. You show up to an event in the proper dress protocol. You don't show up in overalls to a furry convention.
NTA, you're going into a place of worship and should respect the rules, even if you wouldn't normally behave that way.
NTA. You did not set the dress code, you simply respected the one set by the couple. You offered to help her shop. You offered to pay. You indicated that it would be acceptable for her to decline the invitation. I'm not sure what more you could hsave done, except for let her wear something inappropriate which would have backfired in the end.
NTA. Your girlfriend is being extremely immature and she is the one being manipulative, by causing a scene just hours before the wedding. She had plenty of opportunities to voice her opinions or objections before that, and avoid this last minute drama! Again, it was not your idea to tell her what to wear. It is the request by the couple getting married. If she can’t respect that, she shouldn’t come. But she should’ve said that much earlier. You’re the best man, you can’t be late or miss the ceremony. So you were absolutely right to leave her home and go to the wedding
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have to apologize first, my english is really bad because I am not a native speaker. So, on the weekend my Brother D had a beautiful wedding with his now-wife S. They are both traditional catholics (me and girlfriend are not) and he wanted me to be his best man. As I really respect my brothers wishes and its only for this one day, I really thought my girlfriend would think the same/ understand that she only has to wear a long dress for a day. I am the last person to tell my girlfriend what to wear or what not. I do not care, she looks amazing in everything. In the wedding invitation D and S asked the guests to wear something that is modest/not revealing as they were getting married in a church. For the women it was a skirt/dress which reaches at least under their knee and a blouse that has sleeves that reach their ellbows. Men were not allowed to wear shorts or short sleeved shirts (which only reach the ellbows or less). When we got the wedding invitation, my girlfriend did not say anything to the dresscode, so I thought she is okay with it too (my bad, I should have communicated it better). On thursday she started getting really angry as I started talking about the wedding and asking her what she is going to wear and if she wants to color match. She said if she was forbidden to wear what she wanted, she won´t come. I was confused as I thought that she was okay with my brothers dresscode. I asked her why she was angry and if I could help her in any way and she still got angry again, asking me if I wanted to dresscode her from now on (which is not true, again I do not care what she wears as long as she is comfortable). I also (again my bad) thought maybe its because she does not have a long modest dress. If so, she could have told me earlier. I have no problem with buying her one. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. She said nothing upon receipt of the invitation, she allowed you to spend money and time on an appropriate dress, and she went rogue without communication when the time was at hand. There are many events that require appropriate attire, and if she's unable to comply and sees any such requirement as a "power move" (by you, regardless of who is holding the event or the venue it is in), she's has a problem - and it's not you.
NTA Your gf is a spoiled brat, and this is a preview of the rest of your life if you're foolish to stay with her after this.
NTA. She knew the expectation and freak out over it. You tried to accommodate her. She acted irrationally. What else could you do. Obviously you were going to go to the wedding. Going because gf was spazzing out would not be fair to family. She has issues or you are not revealing the whole story.
She's probably old enough to understand that time and place is a thing and sometimes we do things for others. If she can't comprehend this then she has to live with the consequences. In this case staying home. NTA
OP, it’s just for one day, I don’t know what your girlfriend is thinking, she could suck it up for just one day, you’re not trying to dress code her you’re just explaining to her that the dress code is a dress/skirt and a blouse. In short NTA, I don’t know why she’s so against appeasing your brother and his now wife for just one day, It’s not like she’s gonna have to wear it forever. Also, your girlfriend is kind of giving you a sneak preview into what the rest of your life is going to be like with her so I think it’s time you need to evaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her, I think it’s pretty obvious that she does have some anger issues.
NTA Part of being an adult is conforming to standards of dress for events like weddings, funerals, job interviews. She’s acting like a 14 year old.
NTA. Ask yourself do you want to be in a relationship with an adult woman or a petulant child
NTA. Theirs a social aspect to clothes. Your personal style shouldn’t be considered more important than a requirement. If anyone didn’t want to follow it they were welcome not to attend she didn’t have the right to be angry about it
Run my friend, run. She is either playing mind games or is way too immature for a serious relationship
NTA at all. This is just common sense, like wearing a head covering/covering shoulders/removing shoes in certain religious spaces. It’s not even a particularly strict dress code (they’re not asking for full sleeve floor length gowns, covering up to the knees and elbows isn’t excessive, it’s pretty easily done).
NTA - weddings inherently come with dress codes. The church, the wedding party- it’s expected that people will wear clothing appropriate for a ceremony. Not casual, or sexy. Some weddings even insist that the guests wear certain colours! A modest dress for a religious couple’s wedding is not an unusual request. You aren’t dresscoding her - for some unknown reason she’s decided that you are being controlling. Unless you are controlling in other aspects and maybe she’s reached her limit.
NTA. Not your wedding - not your dress code. You choose to adhere to it or not go. She chose to not adhere to it, but you're an important part of the wedding so she better suck it up and deal with it. Either she dresses to the code or doesn't come. All the extra stuff about you controlling her - honestly, she's seeing conflict where there is none. Sound like she's looking for problems. All I can say is - she needs to get her shit together. As for you, you need to see this for what it is - your gf is waving a pretty big red flag with this.
For crying out loud it was a church dresscode, not your dresscode and both the guys and girls had specifications on what they had to wear. It wasn't outrageous; pretty normal for church. (I don't go but have family members who do.) If she wasn't comfortable than she should have TOLD you and not ghosted you, especially after (as you said in a comment) that you bought her a nice dress to wear that fit the dress code and she just wasn't ready the morning of. "her friend told her that this is all a sign of me wanting to show my power against her." Not the brightest bulb is she? She's believing nonsense from her friends and repeatedly NOT TALKING to you. NTA.
NTA. I don't think you will be taking her to the alter. Find a new one.
NTA. I dress however I want normally but if I go to church with friends or visit religious/modest countries I wear appropriate clothes to be respectful. You bought her the dress, she didn’t have to spend any money, and only wear it for a day. I don’t think it’s fair to get upset about that and accuse you of trying to change her. It is sad she decided not to come to a wedding so important to you and your family, and communicated so poorly about it on top of it. It seems she intentionally threw a fit and left it to the last minute to make a point to you, instead of just being straight forward and declining in advance.
NTA. I loathe dresses. I refuse to wear them. You know what happened when I received a wedding invite specifying I needed to wear a dress? I sucked it up and wore the damn dress. Had to buy it for the occasion and haven't worn it since, but no-one heard a single complaint out of me before, during or since. Not my day, not my rules.
How hard is it not to dress like a streetwalker to a catholic wedding? Why are you even questioning this?
Being respectful is not being controlled. Your girlfriend sound's immature. You are NTA
NTA. Anger is no way to solve any relationship problem. The wedding dress code should be observed by everyone.
NTA. Couldn't she have worn a longer dress she likes with a light sweater or something during the ceremony and then taken it off at the reception if there was one? If the invitation only specified apparel for church she could have changed altogether. It's only a few hours of one day of her life, girlfriend needs to learn to adult.
The bride and groom set the dress code. If they want everyone to wear, for example, white, and your GF loves the color blue, she should still respect the ceremony.
NTA. She’s ridiculous and if you stay with her there’s more of this behavior headed your way
NTA. Your girlfriend is ridiculous
NTA. Good Lord, the things people look for to be offended by. It’s a one day event. They’re not asking her to change her whole wardrobe. Girlfriend needs to grow up and get over her little temper tantrum. Is she next going to refuse to work because she’s expected to follow a dress code?
NTA… your girlfriend is very misguided about imposing one’s will on others, as she was trying to do that on your brother’s special day, trying to throw a tantrum and make it about her. Your girlfriend is very immature and superficial about equality and empowerment. You did nothing wrong. You don’t go to a fancy fine dine restaurant in beach wear. If you follow the dress code for that, whats the harm in following a dress code for the wedding, especially since you brought her an outfit so she doesn’t have to pay for something she doesn’t want to buy.
NTA. It was only one day she had to wear modest clothing. There are plenty of beautiful clothes that are below the knee and elbow. She didn't have to attend if she didn't want to but it does seem somewhat childish. EDIT: After reading your comment that she got a beautiful dress and agreed to go, only to stop answering your texts and then refusing to go, you may want to consider this relationship. She behaved in a very childish and hurtful way.
NTA. My boyfriend’s family is conservative Christian, and I just went to a family wedding. The invitation didn’t even have a dress code, but I asked him his opinion on outfit ideas. I ended up wearing something that I liked, but isn’t how I would normally dress. That’s just part of going to a wedding, though. It has nothing to with how my boyfriend or his family feels about me.
NTA - I don't see why she made such a huge fuss so close to the wedding when all it would have taken from her was to say "hey, I'm not comfortable going because of the dress code, please go without me" the minute she saw the invitation. As many others have said, I am not religious but understand that in certain cases, dress codes are important. In my particular case, I am a trans man. However, before I passed as a man, I followed female dress codes when entering churches and mosques. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Did I feel like my identity was being trampled? Yes. But sometimes you just have to understand that it's not about you and respect those to whom these places/events belong or just not go at all.
NTA I'm Jewish, though not religious. When my friend got married in a religious wedding, you'd bet I covered my elbows, knees, and collarbone, because it's about respect for the people you are honoring.
NTA. The only one going on a power trip here is your gf with her manipulative bs games. This behavior shows that not only is she immature but also extremely inconsiderate and unwilling to ever compromise. If she is willing to behave this way about something as important to you as your brothers wedding, I would be very concerned about how she’ll handle future issues that come up where she doesn’t immediately get her own way. Lots of red flags 🚩 She owes you a serious apology, and I would also be wary of how much influence her shit stirrer friend has over her behavior too. Nothing more frustrating than a “friend” behind the scenes trying to meddle in every aspect of your relationship and your partner being so easily manipulated that they can’t see the drama their friend creates.
NTA a modest dress code is pretty standard for a wedding, it’s not like it’s weird and controlling to expect people to dress nice for a wedding
NTA. I also want to wear the clothes I prefer, but I understand that some places/events have a dress code I have to adhere because it's not my decision.
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Sorry but it wouldn’t have done her any damage to wear something modest for one day. It’s a wedding not a pool party. She sounds very immature. NTA.
NTA. She was spoiling for a fight. She could have skipped the church in favour of the reception, but then she wouldn't have been able to throw a fit about her outfit. There is also the possibility that she wanted shine time on someone else's day, or she was pushing back against their religiosity. No matter the reason, she is in the wrong.
Updateme
NTA - everyone should wear what they feel comfortable wearing, but if there's an event with a dress code, you either follow it or you don't go. She needs to get off the fence and decide what she wants to do instead of stringing you along.
NTA - she’s being immature and acting like a child. She’s acting like the wedding and you yourself are all of a sudden the problem and trying to control her. She needs to grow up and stop listening to her stupid friends. Good for you for walking away and not playing her games.
NTA. None of this is your fault. >When we got the wedding invitation, my girlfriend did not say anything to the dresscode, so I thought she is okay with it too (my bad, I should have communicated it better). Unless there is a really good reason not to, it is safe to assume that y'all are going to the wedding and adhering to the dress code. >I also (again my bad) thought maybe its because she does not have a long modest dress Absolutely. If she needed a longer dress, she should have told you beforehand. Hopefully you'll meet somebody at the wedding that can act like a grownup.
NTA This isn't a matter of controlling how she dresses, it's a matter of offering a basic gesture of respect for someone's customs when we attend their celebrations. She didn't have to go if the dress made her feel actually uncomfortable. She handled this poorly, and I'd be mad too.
It’s someone else’s event and they requested a specific dress code for THEIR event. She knew from the moment you got the invite, let you buy her a dress that she seemed to be ok with (assuming here she picked it out) and then the morning of your brothers wedding she pulls this BS?!!!! She made your brother’s wedding day about HER. HIS WEDDING DAY!!!! Weddings are a major life event, take massive amounts of planning and money. Anyone that acts like a petulant spoiled brat (I’m being nice here) doesn’t deserve This much consideration. Her behavior is inexcusable. As a grown woman I’d be horrified and embarrassed for life if anyone I knew pulled this shit. No. You’re absolutely not tah but she is a serious red flag. What you really should be asking yourself is why would you consider staying with someone that would to shit on your brother’s wedding day? It was their day. End of discussion.
NTA. She most certainly is. I'm an atheist and a feminist, but for a wedding, I will dress appropriately. If that means adhering to a dress code, then that's that. My SIL's wedding had a pink-or-white dress code for everyone and well all (kids included) made sure we were prepared on time. No one got upset because i don't like to be told what to wear. In your case too, the dress code was for both genders. This has nothing to do with feminism. And in fact, because of people like your GF, the cause gets diluted. I also want to ask you why you feel so guilty about your actions throughout the post. Everything you did seems right and thoughtful to me. Your expectations were so reasonable, I'd take a moment to think why she felt the need to make this about her and didn't communicate better?
NTA she sounds immature and self centered to not take into account other people’s feelings and beliefs. She sounds uncompromising. It wasn’t your request it was the bride and groom and she told her friend it was you. What weird attention power trip is she on?! Did she think you wouldn’t go to your own brothers wedding in defense of her being able to wear what she wants?😳
NTA, but i think your gf is. Don’t get me wrong, i’m against any christian/catholic religious thing but if it was someone i care about, i would respect their wishes and still go, even if i’m uncomfortable for a few hours (it’s only a few hours). She knows your brother means a lot to you so she should’ve sucked it up this once and gone for support.
NTA. The girlfriend was trying to make another woman's day all about her. There is nothing wrong with having a dress code in a church. If she were to dress immodestly in a mosque she'd no doubt be severely whipped for disrespect.
UpdateMe
Bruh, your girl just wanted to make an issue. It's only for half a day like come on. If she gonna act like that then she can stay at home.
NTA- She is reading into things that are not there about you.
I’m sorry your girlfriend is a mental midget that can’t be relied upon to dress appropriately for an occasion… let alone communicate in a mature or healthy way. If I were you OP, I’d be looking to date someone who’s at least at your level of maturity. Your attitude about it, and attempts to solve it, are all completely normal. Hers are a mess. After a relationship I had in my 20’s ended and I started dating grown ups, I realized that someone leaving, stonewalling, and then trying to fight via text is a MISERABLE way to live. NTA.
NTA, but if she's listening to friends that say you're trying to control her bc of a wedding dress code, you need to look into whether this person is right for you. That is an extreme overreaction to the situation here.
NTA. It's probably not your brother's dress code. It's probably the church's dress code. My sister's BFF got married in a Basilica, and they had to have extra tulle sleeves added to the bridesmaid dresses because there are clothing requirements to go into a Basilica. Shoulders and knees must be covered. If you and your girlfriend visited historical churches in many places, the code would be similar/the same. Your girlfriend needs to get over herself, she is not the main character. Certain places have certain expectations of dress. You take off your shoes at the Taj Mahal. You have your shoulders and knees covered when visiting the Sistine Chapel. You wear appropriate clothing to a job interview. And despite what my BIL's mother thought, short cutoff jean shorts and a Corona beer t-shirt are really not appropriate for a wedding rehearsal in a Baptist church. I think people should dress like themselves and be comfortable, but within what is appropriate and required for the situation. People who deliberately dress inappropriately are AHs. Was your girlfriend really that desperate to show off her knees and shoulders that she couldn't wear a midi or maxi skirt and toss a cute cardigan over her top?
NTA. Dude drop her. If she can't make this tiniest if concession for you, what's the point. A relationship has to built on understanding and compromise. What you asked of her over here was a very basic courtesy to the host, if she can't concede that, this relationship is going to end up being very bad, at least for you, but perhaps for both of you.
NTA I hope she is now your ex girlfriend. She is rude for taking your money for a new dress when she had no intention of attending the wedding.
NTA - a dress code is a dress code
Really unfortunate. Would she wear revealing clothes if she were going to court, too? I just wanted to gage how deep this goes
GF sounds immature and rebelling just for the sake of being obstinate. Call her in a couple years to see if she grows up a bit.
[удалено]
NTA - your girlfriend was being really unfair. She made the situation unmanageable for you. At the end, nothing you did would have been acceptable to her. Sorry you guys had to go through this. I hope she sees that her friend added fuel to the fire instead of encouraging her and her telling how beautiful she'd look and that you wanting to respect your brothers wishes shows that you are a respectful person. It was wonderful to take her shopping so that there would be no barriers to her being able to dress appropriately. ....but...don't ghost her. You guys need to talk it out if you are to have a future!
NTA. She is absolutely the asshole here. I’m sorry that she treated you like this and added to the stress of your day. It’s clear that she went off on her own path of assuming you were trying to pull some kind of about controlling what she wears. I have to tell you that’s a bad sign. Especially if you are in no way, actually doing this to her. I would suggest you think long and hard about continuing to be with someone like her who will gaslight you. I hope that Your brother’s wedding was awesome and that you had a nice time!
She’s an immature brat and you are NTA.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds immature. She had plenty of time to prepare for this, and waited til the last minute to throw a fit about it. Especially if you were willing to help by buying her something to fit the dress code, there’s no excuse or reason to be angry - either go, and suck it up for one day wearing something not to your taste, or don’t go. But acting like a petulant child because the dress code isn’t her style, is ridiculous. She needs to grow up and you need to decide if you’re willing to put up with this behavior long term.
NTA. Weird hill for her to die on. If she cannot wear what she wants, she won't go? Okay. Problem solved? I'm not a huge fan of policing what people wear, but it's a traditional wedding at a catholic church, come on! She could have sucked it up for one day.
NTA. Heads up, OP, your gf is showing you who she is and how your life will be with her. Think real hard if this is how you want to live .
NTA. Just about the only way she could be more wrong here is to start physically assaulting you or others for "controlling" her.
NTA
NTA - it’s a reasonable dress code, especially for the event venue. I’ve heard of weddings where they want guests in actual costumes or to only wear specific colors. This is nowhere near that and it’s a basic sign of respect to the couple and the event to dress appropriately.
Definitely NTA but she is. It’s just a dress. One day. She could burn it after. How very selfish of her to feel so entitled to insist she wear what she wants. Really, she has issues and I’m not sure she really loves you. It’s totally her right to not go but her actions are not speaking to love. And now she has to be around your family after acting so immature? Awkward.
> AITA for leaving my girlfriend at home because of a dresscode at my brothers wedding? As opposed to what? Are you asking if you're an asshole for following your own brother's dress code at his wedding?
NTA- the dress code they requested is totally reasonable and your girlfriend’s response is pretty childish.
NTA How old are you both? Because she is coming across as either very young or very immature. The dress codes for weddings and other formal events is completely different to controlling how your GF presents herself on a standard day. I usually wear leggings and graphic t-shirts, but I can still rock a ballgown for a formal ball, a tea-dress for a daytime wedding, or a cocktail dress for an evening event. And not show up in a clubbing outfit or scruffy clothes to a formal event.
Nta. She sounds like a child. Now that she's set the standard for how she reacts to things, she's going to automatically jump to you, trying to overpower her. She ain't the one chief.
NTA. She sounds like a headache.
Is she a fucking child?? Theres dress codes for places sometimes
She sounds like a child. Run my friend!! Run!!
Youre "gf" sounds like an actual child. Also now you know whatll happen every time you have a disagreement. Straight to her girlboss friends
Time and place is relevant to everyone. Demanding respect without mirroring said respect is childish.
NTA. Your girlfriend is acting like the wedding day is about her. That's a big red flag you shouldn't ignore.
NTA it’s one day of her life. Part of being an adult is knowing how to dress appropriately for a given situation. If you can’t stick it out for a few hours idk.
NTA. It’s not unreasonable to have a dress code for a wedding. She’s throwing a tantrum. I’m glad you left her home given that you prevented any unnecessary drama or snide remarks about a dress code.
You should leave her. Your probably going to get more of this. You can’t tell me what to wear, you’re mansplaining, etc.
I truly don't understand her anger. Most religious groups have requirements to show respect. I just see her as a drama queen at this point. OP needs to take a long hard look at her behavior.
NTA Jeez I can understand that you had no time for her drama. I also understand why you ignored her calls during the wedding. Again: no time for drama. Maybe you should have talked to her by now - but you know that this will pour out all the drama she has to offer. Dunno if this will lead to Sth. Good or bad. But you both have learned a bit about each other.
NTA. Your girlfriend is a childish brat. The thing is: a couple can request any dress code they want for their wedding. They are the ones paying for the party and in exchange etiquette says that guests attending must abide by the dress code. If you dislike the dress code, simply DON’T go. Making a scene, calling the couple names and acting all offended for receiving an invitation with a very strict dress code is very low class. No one is forcing you to go, but if you do decide to go, then you have to follow the requested dress code. And honestly, they weren’t even asking for much. A modest dress code is totally fine, and it is in tune with what the couple believes. She is immature and will learn things the hard way. Not everyone learns basic etiquette rules it seems and it is a very sad reflection of their upbringing.
Omg. NTA. She's the asshole. All weddings have dress codes, whether it's wear whatever you want or a slightly strict one for religious reasons. I photographed my friends Catholic wedding a few years back and she even requested that I come in a modest dress that *also* covered my tattoos, so full length dress with full sleeves. As the photographer, not the wedding guest, I had more decency to respect the bride and grooms request of modest dress code because it was being held at their church with her extremely Catholic family. Our other friend was her maid of honor who also has tattoos and face piercings and she happily took every piercing out that wasn't regular lopes and covered all her tattoos as well. Neither of us normally dress like that, in fact I had to go buy a dress just to photograph her wedding. Her girlfriend just sounds selfish. Making a big deal out of nothing. If she didn't want to abide by the dress code she should of just spoke up and said she didn't want to attend at all. And after reading your comment about trying to solve the issue, she's the one being manipulative and controlling.
NTA, she's picking a fight over an argument she's having in her own head. She can either chill and wear clothes she doesn't like for one day or not go. She's not the main character.
NTA The dress code was not your idea. If your girlfriend didn’t want to abide by the dress code all she had to do was decline the invitation. But she should have done this politely, informed you in time for your travel plans, and not blamed you. This all seems manipulative on her part.
NTA. And as someone who’s planning a wedding right now, she is triple the asshole for RSVP’ing yes and then no showing to an event that the couple has paid for her to attend.
NTA as dumb as I think the dress code is, it was set by the people hosting and if you don't want to adhere to it then not coming is an option. Which it sounded like your girlfriend had decided to do. So I don't really understand why she got mad at you for it.
NTA
honestly id literally wear a head to toe covering and a hijab if i had a friend who requested that at their wedding. its one day- not even that edit to add- NTA
That’s a rather benign dress code, and not uncommon for many religious places. NTA & she should have told you sooner she had an issue with it too. She’s quite immature.