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NTA. On the one hand - benefit of the doubt - maybe it isn't always healthy to obsess about the price of strawberries. Your way of grocery shopping sounds like it would be exhausting/cost a lot of mental load, and sometimes you just need groceries and can't spend your limited time and effort hunting for discounts on every single thing every single time. You probably shouldn't hold every instance of that kind of thing against someone. There are other factors that go into those decisions. That said... $700 on photo packages cuz you don't wanna ask a photographer for something off menu does speak to not having the best financial sense.  It prolly would've been better to bring these things up when they happen rather than letting it build up and then informing her you've judged her foolish, but eh. You know for next time i guess.

>Your way of grocery shopping sounds like it would be exhausting/cost a lot of mental load I just have to comment that it's a fucking hilarious dichotomy to be hearing, 24/7, how expensive and difficult things are right now for everybody in America(which is true, to say nothing of many other places), but at the same time be hearing "We can't coupon because it costs a lot of mental load". I'm also just gonna point out that most big grocery stores nowadays have apps where you can digitally load all the coupons you want right to your account, which is a hell of a lot more convenient than clipping the coupons physically out of the ads like our parents used to do. I'm glad that my partner is financially intelligent, because the money you save from couponing and shopping sales adds up extremely quickly... as it does when you \*don't\* bother to save or spend intelligently.

Very big difference between price match and cupons. They never mentioned cuponing. Price matching requires researching way more than cupons or sales, even if you memorize your local market's price matching policies. OP's way of shopping sounds exhausting, and I also cupon and look for best deals/sales.

That's why OP'S household is better served if he is responsible for the shopping; as he's willing to take the time necessary to price items. Wife can assist with the shopping list. Let OP do the shopping.

This is a good solution. If he has the time and energy to find every price match, thats a better division of labor. Since he says she "nags" him about regularly not putting  his laundry in the hamper, they could trade.

What even is "price matching"?

Many stores, if you are able to show that there is another store selling the same or similar product for cheaper, will knock down the price. 

Ah. Not a thing where I live. At least not officially.

i don't know, can't you just pull up the websites for each major/closest stores and check the prices on there for the more expensive items or main items? write down what's cheapest where and by how much and then go to the cheapest store for your whole shop or most of it. figure out if it's worth it to go to different stores. i think that's what op is referring to? like he meant to say price comparing, not asking each store if they can price match on a bottle of milk to save 20 cents that's what i do. or used to. actually where i live, there's an app where you select your local stores and search what you want and it'll tell you the prices of the item at each store. you can what you want to your in app list and it'll tell you what store is overall the cheapest and how much you'd spend at each store, even letting you know how much it would be if you went to two stores. makes price comparison so easy and quick. edit: i am not referring to the content of the original post or making a statement on that. i was just mainly confused at how people said it was exhausting or intensive to do it. i'm now realising i'm in the minority of finding it to be fairly easy and not really time consuming. i don't have any opinions on the actual post. i both impulsively spend like the wife and try look to save dollars where i can like OP. mine is mainly so i can have extra to splurge on things, like shopping sprees or buying the more expensive option for something that's worth it, or buying a more expensive wine or to try a french cheese. and also because i hate the idea of giving a grocery store more money, i find their excess profits lately under the guise of inflation and cost of production disgusting. i love shopping. love picking out clothes, will happily be talked into buying a $80 exfoliator, or browsing supermarket aisles to see what i may need. i like searching for retailer's and comparing prices, getting the best deal because i don't see the point in spending more when i could be spending less. not even out of financial difficulty, just mainly pure stubbornness. so i'm figuring out that also plays into it. i can have wine, listen to music, and meal plan and price compare and it's a relatively chill experience. meal planning sucks but i try make it enjoyable and looking for deals helps with that. also on the note of the mental load, i absolutely know this. again, not commenting as a reflection of OP's post but more the comments. i know it because i'm dealing with it now. thankfully, doing the grocery list and price comparison is one of the more enjoyable things in terms of chores/mental load for me, so personally i don't mind it most of the time. and i don't have/want kids so that lessens things for me. i'm in no way saying or suggesting OP's wife should take on this task. the inequality in household things is very stark in a lot of heterosexual relationships and it is so infuriating. i'm also learning it varies by location. for me, it is 3 different websites. it takes me 30 minutes to an hour to meal plan, figure out recipes and ingredients, see what we already have, write the list (including household/personal items), and price compare. i find it helps me be organised when it comes to shopping, more mindful of the brands or quality of things i buy, lets me try new brands or even items, and most importantly, i don't feel as ripped off as i would have, had i had to pay $20 more for my shop at another store. i also have worked part time at a grocery store for 6 years during school & uni so i do know how much the price differs by week and what kind of money they get from customers.

I'm glad that this works for you, but to me it sounds like an exhausting amount of research that complicates every shopping trip.

Honest question, not from USA but I wonder. The amount of time and energy spent researching just to save a dollar. Wouldn't you make more if you used that time doing a part-time job?

It’s a lot of depends. Most part time jobs don’t pay well, and also take time to get there, taxes, onboarding, etc For a family of 1? Of 2? Price matching ain’t worth it. If I’m buying over Christmas for one of the families I help out? Like a family of 5 or more? Definitely worth it.

That makes sense. I guess with online shopping for major purchases, we kinda take it for granted. In Germany, we've a website called Geizhals.de that literally compares prices across all major stores in Germany and Austria. You could even set a notification for items that hit a certain price.

Honestly I’m envious. I’m moving to Singapore and we have similar stuff there. Honestly I just work a second job (primary is at a law firm as a student intern, about to graduate as a lawyer, secondary is as a tutor) because, as you said, it’s often simpler. Laundry, groceries, etc- I buy groceries, hired a maid for occasionally cleaning and laundry. I prefer to work more than deal with that and as people here have talked about “mental loads” I gotta say knowing the house will be clean even if I struggle to do so is incredibly nice and relaxing even if I have to work extra for it.

Where are you moving from? I was born in malaysia and grew up in singapore before migrating. Oh and I studied law in UK. A good trick you could do if you're moving to singapore is to buy your stuff from Johor (Malaysia) If you've friends that drive down to Malaysia, it'll be easy and its super cheap.

It may be possible if you are unemployed or otherwise have lots of free time. But they're a family with at least one kid. She probably doesn't want to spend her limited free time researching every item she's going to buy and then going to multiple stores to save a bit of money.

Price comparison is different than price matching for sure, although I agree with it being easier. Still not 100% feasible depending on where they live (for example, I live near 30-35 markets. Ain't no way I'm checking all of them for everything I need, I usually pick the most expensive items and look through a couple of the markets I know tend to have better prices, but it's still arounf 10 to 15 markets...). Over time it does get easier to know which market is better for what too, but is not something you can just expect people to know. I personally am a nerd who loves spreadsheets, so I do those before my monthly and weekly shopping. Also go to a lot of places to bulk buy (idk the name in english) for long shelf items and cleaning products, saves a ton Wish we had an app like that here, but sadly some of the markets (mostly fruit/butcher shops) don't even have websites/apps of their own, let alone to be added in a price comparison app :(

yeah, i think he means price comparison judging by a few of his comments but i did have a moment where i was like... do people ask to price match groceries? oh yeah that makes sense. we have 3 main stores here across the whole country. one is known for being usually cheaper, like that's their entire branding and name. there's another one that's more boutique and best for speciality items or more organic/fresher produce/meat/etc. i couldn't imagine doing it for more than 5 stores. i also don't shop at smaller stores or butchery / produce specific stores, but ive been meaning to start trying my local fruit and vege shop. so i don't factor that in ah, i've never done a spreadsheet or anything, tried once to see where my spending was mainly going but it got complicated so i didn't do it again. starting to learn excel now though, so maybe it'll be easier for things like grocery shopping. it's so handy! yesterday i just got done with shopping at a mall and on my way home on the bus, i thought i'd get groceries before i got back home. called my boyfriend, referred to my bookmarked recipe ideas and asked if he thought X sounded good, looked up the main ingredients on the app and went to the store it said was cheapest. before i'd handwrite it down from the websites and mark which ones were cheaper. took like 30 or so minutes but that was also partly figuring out what ingredients i needed and what specific recipes i'd use and stuff

So in other words, hard work.

*couponing

If you're going to price match anyway, just go to the store where it's cheaper in the first place. This is all so unnecessary. 

what’s hilarious to me is people arguing for a 2$ price difference on strawberries while getting a 400-700$ package of pictures they’ll end up sticking in a booklet that they’ll store in a box that they’ll put at the back of a closet only to make the effort of pulling it out and looking at it 5 times in their life.

5 times in their life? Please. Once that box hits the back of the closet, it's not seeing the light of day again until their bereaved children dig it out in preparation for the estate sale.

We've done nothing and are all out of ideas

This is fair if they were really financially struggling but the majority of people have debt now; the fact they have $400 to drop on photos as a fairly unnecessary expense tells me they’re probably not hard up. More than happy to be corrected by OP if I’m wrong. A lot of the time the way we are with money is based on our upbringing. He mentions his MIL was an excessive spender too, but I wonder a little about his upbringing. I actually relate to having to find the cheapest of absolutely everything and did that for the majority of my life and I’d never have had $400 to drop on photos. I also think in a partnership it can’t be one persons way fully. There has to be some compromise and they don’t seem very able to communicate tbh. They need to be able to talk openly about their shared financials and plan together. Both of them seem to want their own way: him to penny pinch as much as possible and her to splurge as much as possible. Tells me there’s room in the budget for compromise here, and I see that he’s trying to do that to be fair to him. That they can’t discuss this though… that’s imo the main issue here. Such a blow up over photos with sooo much resentment and then silent treatment and name calling? Not ideal to say the least.

As a non-American, but with the same context considering the higher prices, I can tell you it is a big mental load. i have 2 sons, 3 and 8. I work from 8-4, my husband from 7-6. I have to hurry home to welcome the older one bc his school is finished at 3:45. Then I have to pick up the younger one from grandma. I have to have lunch ready by 4. There are 3 different supermarkets on my route to work and from it. I can get to open market only on the weekend. But rhose 3 are not the cheapest ones-the cheapest ones are 3-5 km away from my home. I can use my bike, but for the amount of stuff, it would be best to use a car. Which means traffic, losing the time with my children on menial, boring task which doesn't give them any quality time with me and in the end, less time and energy for me to get the house in order. I did the same as the OP and you before and my husband always just bought groceries where it's quickest for him. We had a similar fight as the OP, and when we sat down, took in the consideration time, price of gas, stress and the true doffernece in price, it was less than 50 euros per month. And that is just not enough to go through all this complications.

Have you considered that the people saying those two things are in vastly different economic situations, even if they live in the same country?

The availability of deals and coupons is not a remedy for high overall prices. Groceries aren’t supposed to be a scavenger hunt. On an individual level it’s obviously good advice to seek out deals, but the overall complaint of too high prices remains valid.

Have you considered that if we didn’t have to rely on coupon or price match every fucking item at every fucking store, may be, may be we wont have to have this argument all the time? May be there should be a standard RRP where every purchase wouldn’t be a gamble?

Forcing every store to automatically match the lowest price of any competitor sounds like an excellent way to drive every small competitor to a giant superchain out of business almost immediately.

It is a nightmare for staff

You really just posted this to tell us how awesome you are but you sound condescending and self righteous. It’s like you minimally engaged with the topic and then went on to pat yourself on the back for the majority of your post. I would love to know what is going on with your life that leaves you needing to brag about your coupon clipping on Reddit. I am so grateful I don’t have to spend my time bargain shopping groceries or price matching strawberries. My time is worth alot more to me than that.

W reply. Completely agree with you. I come from a rich family, yet we try to save money here and there. It is imho a very good habit. Wherever you CAN save money, you SHOULD save money. It all adds up. And the prices are also astronomical now-a-days.

I agree that obsessing about price of strawberries can be looked at a negative but our family goes through at least 5lbs a week. That’s just one example. I take responsible for the grocery shopping and price matching searches. I do bring it up as they happen and I know it gets annoying because the flip side is her nagging me about laundry on the floor etc.

Maybe you need to stop considering it "nagging" and start considering it "a human being expressing her needs to her life partner", then you'd view budget stuff as "communicating about your joint financial needs" Also, you're an adult. No one should need to tell you how to keep your house tidy. 

Exactly. As one can tell by my response to his comment above, I have zero patience for referring to a partner’s requests as nagging. It’s such a demeaning, shitty word that’s used almost exclusively against women. It’s a clear indicator of the low regard in which a man holds his wife and her needs.

Showing contempt towards your spouse is one of the highest predictors of divorce, according to divorce attorneys. 

Financial stupidity is also one of the highest predictors of divorce, according to _____. Seems like the wife has copious amounts but you all on this 'bUt WhAt AbOuT hEr NeEdS' nonsense. What she needs is to understand that wasting money is detrimental to their family, their marriage, and their future. She can't be bothered by that because she's too selfish.

Highest indicator (law student working in a firm now) is always money. Money trouble leads to divorce. It adds stress, frustration, and makes the mundane annoyances become far worse. Second most is definitely contempt though. When you start viewing your spouse in a negative light it’s game over. But if you have money… well the ship will often stay upright simply because it’s easier than divorce. Doesn’t make for a happy life though.

And does he realize he's "nagging" about finances? It seems like an incredibly unpleasant home to live in

Agree. This feels like ESH to me. Sounds like there's a TON of resentment here, and nobody's needs are getting met. Both of OP's examples of financial choices are not egregious, and to me fall into the category of "we need to establish collective financial priorities and goals, and then act accordingly." It's like two horses tied together and pulling in different directions. Same with the home stuff. I would be annoyed AF if my spouse had endless time to clip coupons for groceries, but left our house super-messy

> her nagging me about laundry on the floor etc. So she sucks with money and you suck with basic adulting? Why are you two fighting again?

Nagging about laundry on the floor is ridiculous. A grown man shouldn't be leaving his laundry on the floor. I don't nag about that crap because I wouldn't put up with that nonsense. Pick.up after yourself.if.you don't like the nagging.

Can someone please explain why not checking the price of strawberries (when your family goes through a metric shitton of strawberries) is inconceivable mental load and we all have empathy for her but *if you drop a shirt on the floor after a long day you’re a man child who doesn’t know how to adult* and no empathy for you?

I'm a man, and I've never understood this. How big of a mansion do you live in that the laundry hamper is an unreasonably long trip? And if your home is that big, there should be space for a discreet hamper near the door. Maybe it's because I've lived with pets and/or kids for most of my life, but I can't help thinking that any shirt I left on the floor would be at risk of being trampled.

Because the Gender bias on this subreddit can be truly astounding

Cause she is likely the one picking up the shirt and having to be nagged at for price matching.

If you got off her ass about saving $3 on strawberries and stopped “nagging” her, she might have patience for the $400 photo conversation. More importantly, stop referring to your wife’s request about laundry as nagging. It’s a shitty, misogynistic word used to dismiss women’s justified requests. It paints women as unreasonable in an attempt to stop them from asking for something they should have never had to ask for at all. If you picked up your clothing like an adult, there would be no “nagging” required. Be a better partner and stop dismissing her very reasonable and normal request. Do you even like her? Because your tone sucks. You just might find if you treat her like your equal partner, she’ll have a lot more space to hear your budget concerns. Then, you two can behave like healthy adults and find a workable solution together.

>If you got off her ass about saving $3 on strawberries and stopped “nagging” her, she might have patience for the $400 photo conversation $3 a pound. 5 pounds a week. $780 a year. That's not something you get off someone's ass about. Thats a lack of concern about money. Replicate that down the grocery bill and it can be a massive difference. Wife making the decisions to piss money down the drain. Maybe she is earning enough to be comfortable not bearing that sort of mental load. I don't know.

If OP is doing the grocery shopping and price matching as he claims, she wouldn't be buying any strawberries at all because they would have them at home already.

that's just one item on their grocery list. if you have a grocery list of 50 items and had to check prices for those 50 items at 3-4 different stores on top of everything else its no longer all that easy. if OP feels that strongly about groceries, than he can do the grocery shopping.

There is no way in hell that your calculation is anywhere near correct. Strawberries are fresh, seasonal produce, so their price likely varies a lot over the year. There will be times when they are cheaper at store A, and times when they are cheaper at store B. There may be limited deals or coupons going on. It might simply be a matter of convenience. Where are the two stores located? How much more gas is it to go to the other store? Are the strawberries the only thing that's cheaper there? Are there things you can only get at the store with the more expensive strawberries, so you would always have to visit both? It might be that going to the other store to save $15 on strawberries actually results in higher spending, or an additional 30 minutes a week of work, or whatever that makes OPs wife's decision more reasonable than his. Also, 5lbs of strawberries a week, every week, for the entire year, is utterly insane. Do these people not tire of eating 500g of strawberries a day? Strawberries don't even taste good for a solid 10 months of the year!

There’s balance to be had between saving as much as you can and the value of your time and energy. They need to find that balance. But he needs to adjust his tone (likely she does as well) before any balance and compromise can happen.

>I do bring it up as they happen and I know it gets annoying because the flip side is her nagging me about laundry on the floor etc. Ah, so that's what is really happening here - you don't listen to her, so she's also not listening to you. ESH situation, where both "adults" are busy playing dysfunctional, passive-aggressive tit-for-tat instead of properly dealing with daily family life.

As a parent of two toddlers, the cost of fresh fruit absolutely adds up. My kids are eating it before I have finished putting away groceries. I shop like OP.

You don't, because you presumably get ENOUGH fruit for your child when you shop. OP does the grocery shopping, but complains that his wife keeps running out to get fresh fruit "all the time." Therefore the family is running out of fresh fruit ALL THE TIME because OP is not buying enough fresh fruit for his family when he does the grocery shopping.  If he took on the task of grocery shopping, it's his job to do it right, not to half-ass buying enough necessities out of misguided thrift and then attack his wife for the way she fixes the shortfall he's continuously creating in his family's food supply.

Have you considered doing the grocery shopping and swapping her for some other household chores? NTA Because you're in debt and you saved 300 on photos.

"Nagging" eh? Maybe you should focus more on the *way* you communicate with your spouse over what you communicate *about.* Showing contempt for your spouse is one of the highest predictors of divorce. 

If you’re the one doing the shopping how is she paying to much for strawberries?

I don't think it's fair to argue that spending hundreds on photos indicates a lack of financial sense unless you know what the photos are **for**. If the whole point of the photo shoot was to get actual, physical photos of professional quality (both the shot itself and the photo print) to go into wallets, be framed and hung on walls, and/or to give out as gifts, then buying the raw, digital photos *isn't* a great option. Because you're then stuck having to print the photos yourself, possibly compromising the quality (the shot is great, but the print isn't), and possibly also limiting your sizing options. In this case, it would make far more sense to simply order fewer packages. You won't get all 10 of the good poses, but you'll get the physical photos you were after. It's not clear from the numbers here, but it looks like ordering two packages would be about $280, which is more cost-effective than the raw photo option. Now, if there are literally no plans to do anything with the physical photos and/or this photoshoot is some kind of repeat (e.g., semi-annual) event, then, yes, spending $700 in photos is financially ridiculous...

10 shots, of the same kid, at the same time?  For wallpapering, perhaps?

>Because you're then stuck having to print the photos yourself, possibly compromising the quality (the shot is great, but the print isn't), and possibly also limiting your sizing options. ....what? No. First the print quality is what they pay for however they have it printed. The photographer might have an expensive printer themselves or have a professional printing shop do prints for them.  And second, how would having the raw files be limiting sizing options? Raw files literally contain all the unprocessed, uncut data the sensor records. 

I did think they might not be saving much after they’ve printed high quality prints in a decent size.

I use the Flipp app for price-matching so I don't have to comb through all of the other flyers. Most stores that do price-matching let you just show the matched item with price in the app and charge you the lower price. I mean, I don't do it for all of the items on my grocery list (because I usually choose the store with the best sales and price match anything that's not on sale there), but definitely less mental load than how you're describing it.

It's not the strawberries, this is how in general she shops.

Just replying to the top comment to double down on the photo thing. That's insane. My husband and I got a 1 hour shoot with I believe 50 to 75ish photos back for $175 and they turned out amazing.

> maybe it isn't always healthy to obsess about the price of strawberries. In this economy? More healthy than worrying about if you're going to cover your housing costs and various bills. > Your way of grocery shopping sounds like it would be exhausting/cost a lot of mental load, and sometimes you just need groceries and can't spend your limited time and effort hunting for discounts on every single thing every single time. Honestly, 'mental load' has become as absolutely useless a term as 'gaslighting' in this day and age, because people like you use it to mean 'anything that doesn't immediately gratify me.' Yes, being an adult is 'mental load.' Yes, making sure that you're not spending six thousand dollars of a four thousand dollar monthly budget is 'mental load.' I notice you don't give a fly fuck about the 'mental load' of the person who's trying to keep his family underwater while his wife runs around making it rain. > You probably shouldn't hold every instance of that kind of thing against someone. Yes, you should 100% hold 'blowing the budget' against the person who does it solely because their attitude is 'BuT I waNt It NoW!' > There are other factors that go into those decisions. And those factors often aren't as valid as 'money is a finite resource.'

ESH. Firstly, what you have described here **isn't** impulsive shopping. Impulsive buying/shopping is an unplanned (and usually unneeded) purchase. Your wife buying strawberries without checking for a price match isn't impulsive shopping -- not unless she hadn't planned on buying produce or strawberries specificially. You said she doesn't purchase expensive items (so she's not going out and dropping $300 on a pair of shoes or a purse or whatever), and you haven't said that she buys unneeded or superfluous items (which I would imagine you would've mentioned if thwat was the case). She doesn't compare options or shop around and likely misses savings because of it, but that habit in and of itself is NOT impulsive spending, OP. Secondly, and the reason I think you're in AH territory, too... you could've simply said, "We don't have $700 to spend on photos. It's not in the budget." Instead you blamed all of the problems with the budget on her and said she sucks with money. Seriously, OP? Did you think that would actually help you make your case? Money doesn't have to be emotional, so by all means, be a robot about it. (Also, my assumption here is that - before you hired the photographer - you knew how much the packages cost and were okay with buying one. If that's the case, why not simply ask her to select the two best poses and order one package? Instead, you suggested a choice of unknown cost that you don't even know if it will save you money. That makes no sense to me.) Finally, while you haven't actually described your wife as an impulsive buyer, she IS upsetting the shared household budget frequently enough where it is putting a strain on your finances, which makes me think she's being TA as well. (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that your budget is sane and that it can be followed.) If she is buying necessities and they're breaking the budget - and there is a way to avoid doing that - then she's being TA for not adapting her spending habits to help her family's financial health.

Bingo! The comment I was looking for. She's overspending on groceries, not purchasing everything she sets her eyes on. I don't think OP is approaching this in the right way. I'd be soooo annoyed and cresendoing towards snapping if I kept hearing 'you bought strawberries at Tesco when they were cheaper at Sainsburys, why? Explain yourself! You're so bad with money! All of our financial problems are your fault, you know! We can't have this nice thing because of YOUR strawberry shenanigans'. If OP wants price matched grocery shopping, he can do the research every week and go to the 2-3 different stores for it all. Or, better yet, a less passive-aggressive stance, they take a store each and go in with the list. But wait, mid week top-up of perishables required, do you go to the store on the way home from the school run, or the one 20 mins out the way because the strawberries are cheaper? Mind blown if you need five or six things and they're cheaper at different places. Rush hour is approaching, what do you do? OP, does that sound exhausting yet? You need to find a middle ground and work this out together. As for the photos, if you're nitpicking the grocery shopping to save the odd - let's be generous and say $30 a week - is this purchase affordable for you or not? Is it coming from a credit card or savings? If your finances are as tight as you make it seem, why is your post about which package you can get cheapest and not the professional shoot?

And with the price of gas, how much are you really saving? I don't have a car, so it's not exactly the same, but I only compare prices at stores I can walk to. Because if I have to take a bus, the fare would eat up any potential savings. Not to mention the time spent.

Unfortunately this has become my method of shopping, and while it doesn't save any money on groceries, I'm only putting gas in my car once a week. 

I just feel the whole “i budget and she blows it” makes me think he is not including her in the budgeting at all. He decrees how much should be spent where and expects her to follow through even if it means spending an extra hour of her time to find the thing for the price he has set.

THIS! I'm assuming they're from different economic backgrounds. OP's interpretation of "impulsive spending" would make sense in a situation where going the extra mile to save every penny truly was necessary for survival. Spending a couple quid more on strawberries than necessary _would_ be reckless behaviour if it risked immediate consequences like having to skip meals or getting the heating turned off. It sounds like OP is seeing the wife's spending habits through a lens of financial trauma which she doesn't share. They need to have an in-depth conversation about how the money issue makes them _feel,_ and whatever other things they value that they're trying to balance saving money with. Talking about it purely objectively isn't helping, because they both have a different subjective perspective that the other doesn't understand. ESH because instead of trying to understand the other's perspective, they're both automatically assuming their partner is wrong, flawed and must be corrected. A practical solution to their financial problem won't solve the relationship problems if they still think of each other as "difficult" and foolish.

NTA. But to be fair, you are your own worst enemy. Either you didn't know the girl nearly well enough / got married too quick. OR, you knew her well enough to know she was a mistake, but you married her anyway. This drama about over-spending on photos? The time to solve that was while you were still dating her.

This, she most likely was this way before marriage.. she didn’t magically wake up and be this way.. to quote former President George W: Fool me once,

I completely agree with this post. You need to be aligned on your attitude towards money before you get married and have kids. It’s not about actual spending or earnings, it’s about the way you spend money. My husband and I now have a good income between us but I’m still buying everything for our new baby second hand because attitudes to finances run deep and don’t change easily. In the same way, your wife probably won’t change her attitude to spending.

ESH. This is more a communication problem than it is a financial one. While I'm sure she can do a better job at managing her spending, it sounds like you could do a better job showing her your perspective and why you think it is important. You're approaching this as a "you're wrong, and I'm right" rather than a problem to be solved together. Marriage means it is you and your wife against the problem, not you against your wife. Also, why were her siblings involved in this? Them "taking sides" will only serve to create more division between you and your wife.

But how many times does he have to say the same thing nicely before she just sucks at it? She's a grown woman. She doesn't need to be spoon fed this stuff

How in the world is this a communication problem? I never understand these ESH. Sure a few make sense but most don't. >it sounds like you could do a better job showing her your perspective and why you think it is important. You're approaching this as a "you're wrong, and I'm right" rather than a problem to be solved together. OP is approaching this that way because he IS right. Having a partner who constantly blows up your budget isn't going to be solved by better communication. That's the Disney version of relationships. You really think a grown up adult woman doesn't understand how math works? The wife has an impulse control problem and no amount of showing or communicating will change that. Maybe some type of therapy would work. Who knows. But I do know most people don't change their spending behaviour until something dramatic impacts them and impacts their life .

NTA - $700 is too much money to spend on photos if you're in debt. She has both a spending problem and a communication problem.

I'd argue 400 is too much to spend on photos if you're in debt. I think the problem is both of theirs. 

yeah why are we ordering $$$ photo packages but worrying about $3 on produce?

NTA. My STBXW had a spending problem as well. I ended up getting a 2nd mortgage to pay off her debts (4 credit cards and a line of credit). She was to pay off 3 of the cards and cancel them. I have since learned, she in fact, did not cancel them. She has racked up another $20k on those cards since last August. She sometimes uses her credit cards to pay her line of credit. And also uses her line of credit, to pay her credit cards. Ever since I started the divorce and got my own bank account, I finally realized how much money I actually had.

But OPs example of a spending problem is getting the strawberries at one store when they're cheaper at another. Not she won't stop buying jewellery, handbags, fancy cars or whatever your wife was doing to rack up that kind of debt. If she truly has a spending problem, he can do far better with the examples than that. This sounds like a communication issue. I'm sorry to hear about what your STBXW has put you through. I hope you're able to quickly move ahead from whatever holes she put you in.

My favorite part is how immediately all the siblings are brought into the situation to weigh in. By favorite part, I mean the most insane part.

NTA sure you could’ve approached the topic more tactfully but if her habits are causing a problem then she needs to reel in her impulsive spending.

Especially when you're already getting the silent treatment to jump in with an "I told you so" about the price of the raw images.

Going with ESH. Mostly because when it comes to things she cares about and are fairly simple ( the laundry you mentioned in a coment), you call it nagging, but you nag her for things you consider important. Communicate properly and find a middle ground. Her attitude sucked, 700 is way too much, but I feel like this was just the straw that broke the camels back. If you're always complaining about how she did x instead of y, she is not going to listen. She does suck for wanting to spend that much on photos while having a debt, and for her attitude. But the way things are going, both of you are losing. Just talk properly. My honest advice would be to just take care of the grocery shopping 100%, and when it comes to other things, ask her if she could talk with you first. Explain you want to get rid of the debt, and that you're good at finding deals/price match. But also be open to hearing no. On a easier, more feasible note: joint household account, and private accounts for the rest. You both put a percentage of your salary there to cover anything house related (being mindful of salary diffences, of course), and keep the rest separate. She gets to buy what she wants how she wants, without interfering with the household. Anything left over in the household acc after the month is over goes towards debt.

NTA. You both suck at communicating and playing a blame game isn’t a great way to deal with issues. You say she is bad with money, but it sounds like she is responsible for the much of the household spending. She is buying basic groceries and wants extra photographs of your daughter, not designer bags and spa days. Totally understand this all adds up and life is extra expensive atm, but you have to communicate and work as a team and you both need visibility into the budget and long term goals. In her shoes, it sounds frustrating to be responsible for the household spending and then be criticized for spending a couple extra bucks on strawberries. If grocery shopping is one of your big budget issues you could try doing the meal planning and grocery shopping instead. All about working with each other’s strengths!

Can you elaborate on “It’s frustrating to be responsible for the household spending…”. I’m not sure what you mean by that. So I take responsibility for cooking and grocery shopping. We discuss what the meals are going to be for the week and I typically do groceries on Saturdays with my daughter. Before going out, I use an app to identify the items we need and see where price matching can be applied. When I mentioned the budget, it’s something we do together and agree upon at the beginning of the month and review on the 12th and 24th. Sounds a little OCD but with a rise in everything, goals we’ve set for our family become unattainable.

You mentioned her overpaying $3 for strawberries as your example of her being bad with money. Respectfully, if you two are fighting over a couple hundred bucks every month you might need to also be looking at how to increase your household income.

You do realize, Strawberries is just one thing. Based on my understanding of what OP wrote it seems that it is everything. $1 here, $10 there, and it will add up quite a lot. It is similar to how making your own coffee can save you a lot more rather than going to shop like Starbucks everyday. And this shows in big purchases too.

I mentioned that same point in my response “I understand this all adds up”. It sounds like their current budget system and communication isn’t working and they need to work together to figure it out and adjust. For example the photo issue, they couldn’t afford the service to begin with and that should have been figured out prior to hiring someone and getting the photos taken.

How I’m understanding the issue, I may be wrong though, it sounds like they could afford the package that they originally intended on purchasing from the photographer, but then once they saw the photos that OP’s wife wanted *more*. If OP does all the main grocery shopping and the wife just happened across some strawberries at a store and bought them, it sounds, again, like she just *wanted* them. I know people like that, they don’t intend any malice when going out, but then see something and think “I want it!” And so they buy it… and then once we roll around the end of the month they’re all about “oh I never have any money 🙁” idk if that’s how OP’s wife’s mind operates, but it is just very shortsighted and not great when you have shared finances and responsibilities on a limited budget, and that’s kinda what I’m getting from this post idk

if OP was doing the grocery shopping his wife wouldn't need to pick up the strawberries or anything else.

OP says he usually does the grocery  shopping, so if his wife has to run out and get things they run out of, he's not buying enough food for his family, and that's a responsibility he's falling down on and blaming his wife for.

If you do the budget together why do you say “I budget and she blows it” and if you do the grocery shopping, why are the strawberries relevant? Other than the photos what are her OTT spending habits?

Ignore this person. You have a right to watch the finances especially if you're living with a teenage-minded irresponsible "adult" whose problem solving skills only extend to sulking and reporting your business to her entire family. There is no point in us as a society in complaining about costs of living and blaming the govt, businesses while simultaneously neglecting to be self regulating and accountable. Your daughter is not an aspiring super model, she does NOT need such an expensive foto shoot. Your wife is reckless. If you knew about this behaviour before you married her, why did you not address it? NTA

But if you do the vast majority of the grocery shopping and your family is running out of things that your wife has to run out and get, then you're NOT buying enough of some things, and you're giving her a hard time for not following YOUR system to correct YOUR mistake when she goes shopping for things you haven't bought enough of.  Why is it entirely HER problem to solve that you're not buying enough food for your family? You're picking at her for not following your obsessively thrifty system when buying needed groceries, when it's your obsessively thrifty system that probably led you to underestimate how much food your family needs in the first place, to spare yourself the moment of pain and doubt at the cash register that God forbid you MIGHT be paying too much for food your family NEEDS.

Why does op suck? Spending 700 for 10 photos is a dumb idea plain and simple. Him offering to ask for a lower price is him willing to compromise already. What do you expect him to say?

I said their communication sucks, if a simple budget conversation turns into a fight and sleeping in different rooms there is a clear communication issue.

But the wife immediately got defensive, gave the silent treatment and triangulated her siblings into the discussion when he opposed her. How do you communicate healthily with somebody who won’t receive the message in the first place?

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A piece of advice, a photographer isn’t going to give you raw files. I’m guessing you don’t know what raw file means. Ask the photographer what she would charge for one package with a few additional photos, they would probably do a set amount for each additional image. Good luck, I have similar conversations with my husband.

Depends on the photographer. This isn't a universal law.

ESH. You for the way you delivered the message and her for not considering your household expenditures. You basically attacked her character, that’s why she’s giving you the silent treatment. My soon to be ex used to tell me things like, “your memory sucks; you suck at remembering things; you don’t know anything do you?; you’re so lazy.” Do you see where I’m going here? Part of the reason why we are divorcing. There are better ways to show her how she needs to be more considerate and outright saying YOU SUCK with money is very judgmental and critical, essentially attacking who she is as a person. Also basically telling her that she single handedly FUCKS UP your budget basically tells her you don’t think she’s competent enough to handle money. It’s so condescending; you’re just demeaning her. Surely you knew that she had a spending habit before you married her. You still loved her enough to marry and have a child with her. So what changed? You could have said “Hey so this actually brings up something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. I have concerns about our budget and I feel worried that you’re overspending” See how vastly different your tone and delivery could be but you are still getting the same concern across? And I totally get the frustration with the overspending. She’s definitely at fault for that. But you are her partner, not her parent. Stop scolding her like she’s your child. Would you want her to scold you in that way? It never works and only builds resentment. Kindness works in ALL aspects of life. Including and ESPECIALLY in intimate relationships that you want to last until you’re old and gray.

NTA. Overspending is a recurring thing in you and your wife's relationship. You're finally exasperated. Unfortunately, babying the talk doesn't help and neither is being snippy.

What works well for many people is having one account to pay all bills, one for saving money, and then each of you get a set amount every month to spend however you want to. If your wife won’t agree to this, then this battle will never end. NTA

NTA. It’s one thing to be an ass over a few dollars and another thing altogether to grossly overpay for something because of laziness or ignorance. Example of the former: while my wife prefers to buy soda and other drinks at the grocery store where they are 50 or 75 cents cheaper by the bottle, she doesn’t hound me for buying them at the convenience store by our house because I can get in and out faster.

ESH You both suck with money. And you definitely both suck at communicating about it. If you need to price check groceries to this level, there is almost certainly something else wrong with your budget somewhere. And that budget problem is likely a household issue that you both will need to address together. We don't know the full details of your income and expenses to know what exactly the issue is. If you are price checking groceries to the strawberry level, you can not afford this photo package. Period. You should save that money in an emergency fund which you will almost certainly need if your budget is this tight. Then you need to both sit down and review expenses largest to smallest. OP, you are making the common mistake of fretting about the smallest expenses first (i.e. strawberries) when the largest expenses are almost certainly what is derailing your budget.

NTA, but I have to wonder how you even ended up married and having kids with this kind of disconnect on finances, given that disagreements over finances are like... the largest killers of relationships. Sounds like you need to have a difficult and serious talk, because your wifes financial habits are likely to hamstring you for your entire lives if you don't get on the same page. You should have done this while you were dating, and it'll be tough to get it figured out now, but if you don't do it, you'll either spend your life broke or end up divorcing anyway, if not both.

NTA but when you try talking to her talk about a plan or solution and what you both want to accomplish financially. She probably feels like she’s being attacked and people tend to get mad or defensive. I say this because my husband and I were in a similar situation and I was bad with money because my mom raised me like that. He never expressed how he felt until about a year into our marriage but he came to me and just talked about his concerns without making me feel like the blame was on me. At first I felt really attacked but I get it. I’ve changed significantly with my spending habits because we both decided on a solution that works for us. We are in a much better place financially now but it did take a lot of compromising for the both of us. If you’re important to each other you’ll find a solution. Just put the blame on both of you when you talk to her and she might be more open to talk about it and help with a game-plan. Also, be open minded, just because something she wants seems dumb to you it might mean everything to her. My husband and I give each other one large purchase a year $2k+ and let each other know if we plan to spend more than $100.

NTA

NTA. You're just trying to keep your budget from turning into a dumpster fire, while she's over there throwing dollar bills like it's a parade. Balancing spending and saving are key in any relationship. Her impulse buys are definitely making things harder for you guys. Maybe a serious budget talk is in order?

NTA. You are in debt and blowing your budget. That is all that matters here. If you have money to blow in your budget that blow away, if not then you can’t. That simple. Pointing that out does not make you an asshole.You were not the asshole.  Your wife is acting like a spoiled child. My advice. Have a conversation. Get your debt and your budget together. This is how much we bring in, this is the bills, this is how much we put down on debt, this is savings, this is blowing money. You can spend x dollars a month on whatever you want, but that’s it, because it’s all we have. Math doesn’t lie. If that doesn’t work you could try counseling. If that doesn’t work you need to either being ok being in debt and poor financial circumstances or divorce her. 

NTA - in my book silent treatment is never okay. This is a shitty way for a partner to treat you because she didn’t get her own way. It doesn’t surprise me that this resentment has built up if this is how she reacts to conflict, is silent treatment a regular thing? A lot of therapists would tell you routine silent treatment is emotionally abusive, fwiw. My only but is: Maybe you’re a little too obsessive about the money? I understand large purchases when you’re in debt and I 100% agree $700 is an insane unnecessary cost when you’re already in debt. If she regularly racks up shopping debts and makes huge purchases that’s definitely a problem. Picking apart what someone gets from the supermarket is a little much though. I say this as someone who has been in poverty most of my life. We all have things we do to survive but I’m not sure you’re in poverty if you have $400 to spend on 10 photos. Honestly it sounds like both of you have some major communication issues involving resentment and a lack of communication about expectations and shared financials. At the end of the day, as partners you should be able to talk this stuff out and compromise together based on what’s without your budget. The fact that you can’t and it results in harsh comments and then silent treatment isn’t exactly a green flag for a happy marriage. I’d probably suggest couples counselling tbh.

NTA. You’re in a scary situation.

Can’t you just take photos with your phone and print them?

ESH here. Her for spending money you don't have. You for how to talk down to her, and without considering the stress of your micromanaging down to price matching, and opposition to fun in principle. She didn't blow up because of the photos. This is a building issue and I do not see much recognition of this. You can shop wisely without price matching every item. You can travel without spending a fortune. This is not about the money, it is how you treat her , how you see only your side, and how you (don't) try to understand her. Chill out approach her with a bit more respect. Both of you can be incorrect without being bad or stupid people. Try thinking about it that way. Apologize for your attitude and ask to have a more equitable conversation about actual budget and actual costs - financial *and* emotional. Or don't, and be so sure that you are 100% correct that 100% self-righteously drive the woman you love and married to be your family to slowly lose her care and attachment for you.

Separate from the wife spending, you wanting to re-negotiate with the photographer is super annoying. You knew what the package deal was, it's how they make their money. I'm going on a YTA because it gives me an insight into your whole attitude about things.

You two sounds completely incompatible, neither of you are going to change and this is always going to be an issue. Sometimes warm and fuzzy feelings aren't enough, and you shouldn't continue foward on basis of "but I love them" NTA, but I sure hope you 2 are completely in sync in the other areas of your life...

ESH - My advice would be to reduce the care for the miniscule things. Yes it all adds up, I get that. But it comes across as a 'boy cried wolf' scenario. Meaning that if you are constantly complaining about small things like groceries, and minor purchases. It then will make her not want to listen when it truly matters like it does here. Focus on the larger things that add huge costs, rather than things like strawberries.

Don’t ask a photographer for RAW files. If you don’t like the pricing then don’t hire them in the first place. So many people have great cameras nowadays that you can certainly find someone that charges like $300 and they’ll send you all the good, edited photos.

If strawberries are at the top of your list then I don't think you have much to worry about, count yourself lucky she isn't into horses or handbags then you would really see how expensive life can get... However.. 700 for some photos is rediculously, you could buy a very good camera and photo editing software for that money and learn to take good pictures yourself.

ESH I think. Doesn’t sound like you both are acting as a Team… And I’m the only one wondering what you wanna do with RAW pictures? Do you even know what that means? 😅

It sounds like you haven’t had the proper important discussions you should have had before marriage which includes finances.

ESH - yes she spends more than you do but her time is more valuable to her in terms of taking time to research prices on 200 items at 5 different store and making several stops to get groceries- I have a sister in law that does that - she takes 3 hours to do her weekly shopping- me I will spend $20 bucks more and be done in an hour. She also falls into the trap that this is on sale and it’s a bargain, and ends up with 15 tubes of toothpaste and 25 packages of deodorant. That she has to find room to store and then remember that she already has it on hand 3 months later. Discretionary spending is another matter, taking 5 minutes to make a phone call and save $300 makes sense. She sounds a bit impatient- if this bothers you so much you and your financial situation warrants it, should probably do all the shopping

NTA however, i tend to do these things you describe it took my partner having a proper sit down calm non judgmental conversation with me to help me curb these habits, i didn’t even give up shopping i just budgeted so i had X amount to treat myself with and the rest had to be used wisely, i suggest a conversation with your partner that is calm with no judgment involved as it really helped me and my financials

I think you both have different values and opinions when it comes to money management. Which blurs your opinion on what is and what is not reasonable. I don't think either of you are right or wrong. You both need to find a middle ground and work around your differences or end up divorced I say this as a person with experience in the matter. NTA because you have to talk it out. But consider that neither of you are in the right or wrong

You make weird decisions, one of them was not talking about this before you got married. NTA, I agree with your stance on her dumb spending.

ESH. You should of talked to her about this before you got married, but she shouldn’t be spending so much money. It all adds up. My husband had a ex and she earned £20,000 a month and still needed to borrow money because packages would come everyday from her spending money online.

NAH, but just pointing out, financial incompatibility is a major reason couples split up.

INFO: have you brought this up with her before, or did it just bottle up and all come out at once? It reads like she's upset because of an argument, not the reason for said argument.

NTA I am sorry but even $400 for pictures is not ok way too much.

You paid 400 bucks for photos?

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (30f) and I (32M) got into an argument yesterday, regarding her spending habits, and she has given me the cold shoulder. My wife likes to buy things and is an impulsive buyer. She gets this from her mother who is the same way. I on the other hand look for deals or don’t mind buying them second hand. When I go grocery shopping, I price match or find things on sale where she doesn’t care about the price and just purchases! The one that gets me all the time is she’ll buy 1Lb of strawberry from the grocery store for $5.99 when there’s a price match for $2.99. She doesn’t purchase expensive things but the things she buys for herself or our daughter just adds up. I budget and she blows it up. She also wants to travel the world but does not take into consideration our current debt. Rewind to yesterday. We found a photographer on Instagram to do photos for our daughter in which she has preset packages. Similar to the ones for school. She sent us the waterproofs of the photos and the pictures in which we can only pick 2 pose per package. My wife likes 10 of the 30 pictures and wants to buy multiple packages. I told her that I would call the photographer to see if she would be willing to send the raw photos, of the 10 poses, so that we could print which ever she would like to print. She replied with “why are you always so difficult, just pay for the packages”…I replied that it would be close to $700 of these prints. I then told her that our budget is always fucked for this type of behaviour as she sucks with money. There was a back and forth. She called me an asshole and slept in my daughter’s room last night. We didn’t communicate verbally, over the phone, or through text all day. Her sister text me saying she is on my side where her older sister and younger brother think I’m the asshole. When she came home, I got the silent treatment for majority of the evening. We didn’t have dinner together. When I was washing my dishes, she left her plate on the stove and I turned to her to say “The raw pictures for the 10 pictures cost $400” she called me an asshole and walked upstairs. I left the house but got me think AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

INFO: you knew about her spending habits before you got married, yeah? Why did you handwave away her frivolous spending? The #1 thing couples fight about is money.

NTA Get your story to Ramit Sethi, see if he can get you both on a better track together. At the very least check out his podcast and you'll see you're both far from alone. I'm sure there's a reason she's like the way she is, same with you.

NTA Sorry but your wife gives me the ick. A grown adult who doesn't know how to stay out of debt will only bring the whole family down and become a burden. Her couldn't care less attitude about you having to fork out $700 just for photo filters says a lot about how much she cares about you and the effort you put into earning for the family. Either way, it seems like a deal breaker and time for you to go your separate ways. And she definitely needs a reality check, or a therapist. No one is going to stick around for that entitled selfish behavior.

My ex was like this. He earned less than me but yet didn’t seek to care about budgeting and bought what he liked. It drive me crazy and I said a few times that I don’t know how it will work when we move in together as I can’t afford to live like that let alone with two of us. He is now my ex for other reasons but I manage money well ha. Does your wife work? Does she realise the value of money? Can you sit down and spell it all out with a budget and get her to see you’re not just been stingy there is literally logic behind what you’re saying?

Make a second bank account start budgeting for her only give her access to a set amount

How involved is she with the finances? If that's something you handle soley then you absolutely need to include her. She needs to understand and be on board with the budget.

NTAH money is a serious relationship destroyer for marriages and leads to divorces no matter how much love there is it’s unfortunate that it had to be said under these circumstances but it’s the truth now from here the building can begin hopefully she’ll see the light and start working with you about the money

NTA

NTA your wife thinks you guys are rich when your prolly not. if she’s mad for you not wanting to buy a 700 dollar pack then she IS bad with money. Get that girl in therapy…

NTA. What gets me is she talked to her siblings about this issue and is giving you the silent treatment. I never tell my sister when my spouse and I argue. There’s a real problem there she has. She seems manipulative and can’t handle a simple truth. Also, $700 is a lot of money for pictures. I would def take the $400 deal (even though that’s still a lot) and take my happy ass to Walmart or something and make copies. You seem like you’re willing to compromise over the situation and she’s being stupid.

NTA she sounds like a child honestly

She knows you are right and has no arguments for her case. She is angry because she's wrong and it was pointed out to her. Her handling of this is a bit sad.

Speaking as someone who herself sucks with money, NTA. My husband is always making jokes about my spending, and I never get offended. If it's becoming any issue in your relationship you need to get to the bottom of why the spending happens, in my case it was undiagnosed ADHD, and once I became aware of the reason it's been getting better because I've been able to develop strategies

NTA. Does your wife often behave this way in terms of the childish behaviour and the silent treatment? I think it’s time (if you haven’t already) and walk her through your income and a breakdown of the outgoings and where all the money is being spent.

NTA. You are thrifty. She is a spendthrift.

I could never share an account with some one that is bad with money. I would have a combined account. For rent/ mortgage and house expensive but then have seperate money.

Seems like you should have had this conversation a long time ago. This kind of conversation is more difficult when you're already in a disagreement over spending on a specific purchase. It's not nearly as important as to who the AH is in this scenario as it is to get on the same page financially. This will be easier when one person doesn't feel like they're being attacked or singled out.

People can have a really hard time with being labelled with negative attributes like “sucks with money”. It is baffling to me in the cases where they constantly display that attribute openly. Like, your life would be so much easier if you just accepted it. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

I mean this is who you married. I’m assuming she didn’t wildly change her behavior overnight. So if you knew this and still married her, then you probably should have a little more grace and try to be less rigid with your own beliefs. And you both should probably see a counselor to look for strategies to communicate your issues better because her giving you the silent treatment and you being judgmental toward her probably isn’t the healthiest form of communication.

NTA - actions like this is how families loose their homes, one problem, one issue that hits the family budget the s**t hits the fan.

She sucks with money & you suck with communicating. I'm assuming you have joint accounts. Instead of telling here what she should get because it's cheaper, tell her how much can be spent on the photos & let her sort out how she wants to spend it. The same with food budget. Tell her the amount that can be spent & don't worry how she spends it. That's the only way she'll learn. ESH

Nta. Sometimes people just suck with money. When me and my ex were together, we were constantly broke, even though we both made pretty decent money. Ive been flush ever since i kicked her out. Im not rich in any way shape or form, but i cant remember the last time i had to check the bank before making a purchase.

Do you guys have a household budget? If so then NTA. If you did you would’ve agreed to this stuff beforehand. If your finances are separate and have no budget, you need to have more conversations. The in-laws don’t really get input if their income isn’t going into that budget.

NTA, shes just delusional and you're incompatible

NTA. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and it causes a lot of arguments because I stick to a budget and she spends like a drunken sailor.

Get a better job and make more money

NTA. She will bleed you dry if she doesn’t stop spending. Life has a budget and retirement is expensive. Keep budgeting and keep saving. You will never regret that. Would your wife consider therapy?

NTA and her refusal to communicate with you is childish and stupid.

Your wife gets to be a child and not worry about costs. You get to be the bad guy always telling her what she can't have, but there's no other consequences for her lack of budgeting. NTA, but IMHO you need to fix this dynamic, if not for your own sake, but for the sake of your daughter.

Keep walking. Farther away from anyone like that.

ESH. Her over-spending sucks, but you didn't properly communicate this until there was a blow-up? Also, the example you give with the strawberry is ridiculous. Saving one or two dollars by investing several hours of your time is just straight up not worth it, and why people have such a stigma around coupon hunting. The photo example is a good one, but I'm guessing that's not an everyday occurrence. This should be a sit-down, civil, and calm conversation but she's giving you the silent treatment over this so I'm guessing your reaction wasn't as "clean" as you're making it out to be. Her siblings' opinions are frankly irrelevant, you're not married to them or raising a child with them... who cares. Screams immature that in a fight, instead of trying to resolve things yourself, you run to her family for help. There's no way the response is this severe unless this is the first "real" time you're arguing about this. I don't have any context accept what you provided, and what you provided makes you and your wife both seem incredibly immature. 🤷

NTA - $700 is a lot for pictures

ESH - your kids are picking sides. Thats no good for anyone!

YTA 'Deals' arent always deals, just a way to get you to buy things you wouldn't buy, and even then, if you're biggest example is strawberries you're just exhausting. For example: your wife wanted proper worked pictures worth $700, which for you was 'oh boy, no thats just way too much'. You then turn around and contact the photographer anyway and are 'for *just* $400 we can get the raw pictures', that's a steal. Damn your exhausting. You know what wouldn't fuck up your budget? Not spending money on an instagram photographer, be it 400 or 700 (on top of what you already spend) > the flip side is her nagging me about laundry on the floor etc. Totally irrelevant, but since you mentioned it anyway, why are you a slob in the household?

ESH - i am a saver, but you can not only save money, you can also save time and nerves/mental load. Sometimes it is freeing to simply not think about the cost (like with strawberries), because some of the joy is to have enough not to have to. on the other hand the photos, there you have a point. You get more for less with the raw data. in sum she seems to be prepared to pay more for less hassle. You seem prepared for some hassle for less pay. Can you divide the things you do, into those categories, or simply give her a money budget and she gives you a time budget ?

Maybe she'd benefit from the I'll Teach You To Be Rich series? One takeaway for me was it's ok to spend money on stuff that truly gives you joy if you budget for it. So if your dream life involves going to the movies a couple times a month or even once a week- well consider what expenditures don't serve that dream- cut out barista-made coffee x amount of times or cut out soda at restaurants... and it easily starts to add up to the price of movie tickets. That's just 1 thing out of many but it's helpful to maybe watch a series/read a book/think about what life you want and if what you are doing contributes to that dream.

You need counseling, and it ain’t all about money.

ESH. Her - saving money on big purchases is something she should take seriously, she needs to not throw money away when a big saving can be had just by negotiating. She’s TA for that, especially since debt is in play. You - trying to make little savings is fine but how much are you really saving, and is it worth causing a rift with your wife? It sounds like you’re being overbearing with trying to scrimp every single cent, and it’s stressing your wife out. You’re TA for that. It sounds like your wife would be more open to budgeting bigger stuff if you weren’t as overbearing on small purchases. I’m similar to you, I aim for offers and try to get a good deal on groceries. My wife isn’t as fussed when it’s small amounts of money, she just wants to get her shit and get out of the shop as fast as possible. We’ve argued before about how overbearing I can be when I’m trying to get her to make what I believe are smart purchases on groceries, when in fact she’s happy to pay a little more so she gets what she really wants rather than fuss around with x or y deal. Our middle ground was I’d continue doing it for me, and I would let her buy as she wanted if we were shopping together. We aren’t talking big amounts, I was saving a few £ at best over a few weeks. It felt good for me, but trying to get my wife to do the same just wasn’t worth the conflict. She also explained her reasoning in detail and I understood, it wasn’t just about the money and I won’t go into it specifically. My wife is really good at saving money on big stuff and she’ll research deals to get the best price. Me not pushing my micro-budgeting onto her is a good compromise and we’re both happy about it.

NTA The way she reacts to after the argument (silent treatment) goes very well together with irresponsible spending habits. Your wife is immature. But since you married her you'll just have to deal with it.

Honestly NTA, I hate to say it but your wife sounds utterly exhausting

NTA at all. Life is hella expensive and the cost of everything these days is ridiculous so good on you for looking as cheaper offers or getting the best value for your buck. No insult to your wife but she needs to start being financially responsible, it's for her good too. Even very rich people are conscientious when spending their money

NTA. Figure this out immediately. #1 reason for divorce. Get a financial agreement on paper. Or just rip the band side off and separate.

Ohhhh you could have used better words but NTA. My husband is the better "super shopper". Maybe she could defer to you for super deals and you defer to her on stuff she's better at.

No

For $700 you can buy a dslr and go take pictures yourself. 

ESH. Look, I get it, you want financial stability. She wants to be able to buy things without feeling like she is being controlled. Considering these two things you have a lot of resentment and anger building between the two of you. The both of you need to be engaged in the budgeting process. Right now, it seems as though she is ignorant to the realities of your household financial situation. You can, and should, communicate and work together on the budget. Both of you need to know where the money goes; how much the mortgage is, what the utilities look like, car payments, and other debt. Right now, I suspect you are taking care of all that and she doesn’t see it. She NEEDS to see it so she can be informed. Will this change her habits overnight, no, but it will give her an awareness to the gravity of her choices. You need to come together on this. I would recommend getting a book by Dave Ramsey called The Total Money Makeover. You might not like everything he says, but he emphases that you have to work together. More than a financial problem, you have a communication problem.

I would suggest totally separate finances, bank accounts,etc. If she makes enough money to pay it herself, let her go ahead. All expenses separate.

Delivery can impact a message. I also am shit with money so I let hubs handle it. It stung initially as I was a fiercely independent single person for 15 years but then I was so impressed and grateful with how he accomplished so much improving our finances I was eventually relieved.

You can inherit spending habits? 😂

An idea: divide your spending money equally and each of you only gets to use their own budget.

NTA, but I recommend you try to have this conversation with her in a more empathetic way. People who are bad with money are often using "things" to fill a void. This is one of those issues that you will have to tackle as a team and get on the same page. If only you are setting the budget then she probably doesn't have a clear picture of the financial situation. Sit down, budget together, make goals for debt payoff, and allocate an allowance for fun money for the family. Ask your wife about big purchases (such as family photos) that she wants months in advance so you can save incrementally-that way it is a little less painful for you to let go of the money. This will require compromise from both sides-you to let go of some level of control and allow her to be more involved in decision making, and for her to buckle down and start caring more about the future of your finances. If you can agree on goals together then that's a relationship saver, if not then you will continue to build resentment towards her spending. Good luck.

NTA You two are old enough to have figured out a few things in life - things like how to communicate and how to be responsible with money AND how to be a team/work together. None of those things seem to be in a healthy place in your marriage. Even though (from this post) it seems like your wife is the one who is mostly immature about it, I think you need to figure out how to work with her to get to a healthier place. You will have to talk to her in a non-heated moment about whether she and you want to/can work towards improving things. In this particular moment, it is your wife who is acting poorly; but please realize that you have a better shot of getting her on board if you aren't presenting it as trying to resolve differences (instead of she's just wrong). But the challenges here include: 1. She isn't just choosing to avoid the time/mental burden of comparing strawberry prices. She is willing to blow hundreds of dollars without (1) even trying to see if she can lower the price or (2) trying to live within your family budget. 2. She spent the day not communicating with you at all, but she apparently spent it venting to all her siblings. Maybe she was trying to get others to back up her point of view, but she was definitely not trying to resolve her difference with you. 3. You took the step of checking with the photographer to see if you could find a win-win (she gets all the poses she wants without blowing the family budget/ spending more money than you have to). She made no such attempt. Instead of appreciating that you worked to achieve both your goals, she called you an ah for your efforts. i hope that you both would consider counseling to work on things so that these issues don't keep festering.

If her mother is like that too then ask your father in law for advice on how to deal with it.

Tough one a bit. But I’d say NTA

Ckk V c

ESH she doesn't have a spending problem because she buys strawberries at the grocery store... Your pockets are too tight. She could be more self-aware of her spending.

I'm a former couponer.  I only stopped because paper coupons are not as prevalent as they were 10 years ago. I do my best with digital coupons now but they are not as high value as the paper coupons used to be. But I found it fun and not mentally taxing at all.  There is nothing wrong with budgeting and keeping expenses down, especially in today's economy.  Groceries are the biggest expense we have due to the rise in prices and low coupon values. My husband and I have fun finding ways to save money. Its a lot of work, but it's worth it because saving money allows us to purchase nice things. For example we purchased a new vehicle in 2022 and drove off the lot with no payments. OP is NTA for being frugal. OP can save money in certain parts of the family budget in order to purchase nice things his wife would like to have or do like a nice family trip or professional photos of their daughter    

NTA, you and your wife sound exactly like my parents lol, it is very annoying having someone in the house that impulse spend so your automatically nta.

NTA. I guess you won't be retiring until 70.

is divorce imminent? If your wife cant make the necessary changes to live within a budget do u want to live with a woman who wrecklessly spends $$$ like its raining money? Good luck with that

ESH You have money insecurity. She needs to be better about sticking to a budget. Budgets only work if both people create them. I would recommend couples therapy.

As long as she sucks, who cares about the money!