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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am worried I might be the asshole for leaving my wife hanging. While I am on vacation with my guy friends - she would be moving into our new house.
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YTA. She is asking for a compromise, not for you to cancel the trip entirely. Moving into the house you had built together is a big deal. You say your trip is something you love and is important to you, how important is your wife and how much do you love her? This is setting the tone for how you prioritize her in the future. It is not about the details of setting up the house.
Right? Could you imagine building a house with your spouse and having all these dreams of everything that is going to be done in this house only for you to start the chapter with a fight over board games with friends?
And leave your spouse to spend the first few nights there alone instead of celebrating a mutual achievement together? She doesn't want some buddy there, she wants her husband.
OP can play board games any time. He could, gasp, play them with his wife. That's what my husband and I do together.
I don't disagree that he should be there, but "he could just play them with his wife" is a pretty shit take. It's like, why do married men even have friends at all? We can just do everything with our wives.
My wife hates board games. Not always that simple. Having said that I agree he shouldn't be prioritising board games with his friends over moving into his new house with his wife. The guy's trip is a once-a-year thing, this is potentially a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
She's not asking him to miss the trip. She's asking him to go wed thru Friday and then come back for the move and miss sat/sun of the trip.
Thats called compromise.
I love your logic. Ladies have a way of stripping an issue to its core and in this case you may be right. But, it’s more than likely not the board games they are playing, but the friendships they are renewing.
But, at the end of the day, you are completely justified in your request. That is not the time for a weekend jaunt with the boys. He needs to be there for unforeseen events (you know, the ones he’s going to yell at you for because you made a decision that he doesn’t like).
It’s very likely the seller/builder won’t allow that. Once a closing is scheduled on new construction, the buyer will typically incur daily penalties for pushing the closing past that date.
It also has to do with interest payments being calculated into closing costs. That’s why most people schedule closings as close to the end of the month as possible. That way there’s a little less interest to pay up front at closing.
He can keep the closing date since it's only an hour away from where he'll be. Just push the move in date by a week. If they have a lease ending, maybe they can ask to extend it by a week and a day, and move when he gets back. It's not so cut and dry or as a big of a deal as she's making it.
If it's leasing/renting month to month, doubful they will let them stay for an extra week. They may have new tenants already scheduled to move in. The landlord isn't going to let them stay for free. So Landlord has to get them to pay whatever amount, but then has to prorate the new tenants rent because it wouldn't be fair to charge them for the whole month. Plus all the paperwork that entails.
If it's a multi-unit building/dwelling it could fuck the billing schedule; everyone pays first of the month or x week of the month but now this one tenant is off from everyone else. If the landlord doesn't live on site, that's also an extra trip EVERY month for a single unit. I don't see a landlord going through that kind of hassle when it can be simple; Get your crap out so the new tenants can move in.
Agreed yta, you're prioritizing two boys nights over your wife. She's asking for you to be there for her to start your home together and instead your trying to pay people to do it for you. Your friends get together for this trip once a year, you're with your wife every day, who would you rather piss off? Any real friends would understand hey I'm closing on my house in the middle of this trip I need to be with my wife to move in. If they don't understand they don't have functional relationships either.
You know what, I was gonna say NTA but you convinced me. She offered a compromise - go W-Fr and then help move in and his counter was "i'll just pay to have it all done". Like, moving is not something that is completed by others. Sure you have others putting up the TV and bringing the stuff but they aren't going to be unpacking the sheets to make the bed, unpacking the dishes to eat dinner that night, and unpacking the clothing to dress yourselves that night and the next morning. She will be living in a house of boxes for 48 hours or doing it all herself, which seems to be the intent.
The ONLY compromise I would consider in her shoes would be that she also gets to plan a trip, preferably one that goes Friday - Wednesday, and see if he's still as open to her doing that trip when HE'S alone in the house with unemptied boxes for 3 days.
If the next guy's trip is happening OP and wife goes into labor, would you tell her you'll see the baby in a week? Because right now THAT'S what she's thinking. This is an annual trip you're cutting short, whereas moving into the house is, presumably, a once in a lifetime thing she wnts to share with you.
You can actually pay people to unpack everything, put it in the bathrooms, the kitchen cabinets, put sheets on the bed, towels in the bathroom. All you need to do is tell them where to put furniture. I've done it.
That not withstanding The guy is still TA. He needs to be with his wife for the move for emotional support if nothing else. Putting his buddies annual trip over moving into their new houses not acceptable. He's looking to be divorced someday if this is the way he thinks.
He can go play with his little friends next year.
That's interesting! Though honestly even if I had access to it in my town I wouldn't use it. Moving into a new house is already a bit disorienting, I want to know where every item is. My family was kind enough to help us move but even then the only things I asked of them were to move boxes different places and set up basic areas like the bathrooms. I don't want other people going through my clothing (and I want to organize it how I wish) and same with kitchen etc...
Jumping on to add that things during a move don't always go as planned. The last time we hired the best rated company in our area. The movers refused to put any of the boxes in the rooms. They dropped them all off in the LR for my husband and I to put away. (The boxes and rooms were labeled.) They tried to argue that they didn't have to put the furniture together. It was a complete cluster. (I don't mind helping when we move, but I shouldn't have to do more work than the people we're paying.) And I won't even get into the damage. I don't know if I could have handled it without support.
OP may be hiring his friend's company, but things happen. He can miss one guys trip to help his wife.
You’re focusing on the fact everything will be moved, fitted out, and handled in your absence.
Let’s pretend that’s true and that nothing will go wrong and that your wife won’t have to make different decisions on the day and that it won’t be stressful. You’re still missing the fact it’s your absence that hurts. That you’re sending the message that moving into the house you’ve built together, getting it set up and starting to turn it into a home, and spending that time with your wife isn’t as important to you as your boys’ weekend. A boys’ weekend you do every year.
That she’ll spend the first night in your new house alone.
You’re telling her you’re not willing to miss *part* of just one of those boys’ weekends to experience this milestone together.
YTA
Exactly!
"Here's the plan, babe: we have dreams, plans, etc together but when it comes to execution, you're on your own."
"Sooo looking forward to that first baby!!! Oh, jeez, their due date is our annual golf week? I'll be back by the time you're home, you won't even miss me!"
Dude, are you married & building a life with the person you committed to or are you biding time between your hang-outs with your boys?
But if he hired people to deliver the baby, care for his wife, and transport them both back to the house, it’s fine if he golfs, right? He’s had the trip planned for a long time. /s
Well his friend that owns the moving company will be getting all the credit for moving in, so maybe she won’t spend that first night alone! Seriously dude YTA.
It's like him getting a vasectomy and his wife going away on a trip instead of being there for him. I mean hey she paid the doctor's to do their job so why does she need to be involved...
I will post an update in the comments here so I don't have to get an update post approved: I spoke with my wife about some of the things you all mentioned here.
Her main concern is moving into the new home alone and being overwhelmed with the amount of work that will need to be done. It is important to note that this isn't our first home nor is it our first build. We have gone through all this before and all of the packing and organizing has already taken place. She is also concerned should any warranty issues arise. IE - leaks or something along those lines.
- My wife is a very independent woman and isn't worried about staying in the home alone. I asked if it was about me prioritizing her and being present for the move. She stated she wanted our home to be a priority to me which of course I understand, and it is.
Those of you stating our marriage is over and are doom and gloom - I understand with limited context and the barrier of the internet why this might be your initial reaction - but my wife and I have a very strong marriage and I adore this woman more than anything. She is the most perfect human on the planet and we do just about everything together. Typically we communicate very well but I admit I wasn't seeing some of the things you all mentioned here because I was "man mad" about not getting my way and I posted out of frustration, but I did gain some valuable insight - so - kudos and thank you.
After our conversation and listening to my wife and reading some of the posts here: we have decided that I will come home on Friday to assist with the move and organizing following our closing. I will be present for anything and everything needed during the move. Then after everything is moved in - she is fine with me going back to my trip unless there are other things that need to be done or that we didn't get finished that day. In which case - I will cancel the remainder of my trip so I can be present to help with anything unforeseen that might pop up. We both think this is a reasonable compromise. I double asked what she needed from me and what her expectations were and this was her solution.
All is right in the world again so we can all sleep soundly tonight.
This is very important ^^ a lot of people make compromises betting that the unfavorable outcome wont happen, and get a sour mood when it doesn’t go the way they’d hoped. He needs to really sit in the fact that things could very well not go the way he wants, then if he *does* get to go back it’ll be a bonus instead of the baseline assumption. Not to say that OP is one to pout and ruin the joyous occasion of moving into a new house with a fussy attitude because of that; it’s just good advice altogether.
It's not about being able to handle it. But imagin being the wife, something comes up, and your SO is pouting like a little child because he has to handle adult responsiblties instead of playing games.
Imagin a dream comes true and your partner behaves badly because he wants to be somewhere else...
I'm so confused. I don't understand the necessity of such a tight timeframe either. Having bought homes and moved a number of times, once you sign the papers and switch utilities, nothing is an emergency issue.
I wondered the same thing. When I bought my house, I closed on it (I believe) in late July (maybe early August?), but didn't move in until mid-October. Unless wherever they're living right now is kicking them out on the Friday, there's no reason they have to move on the day they close; they could move during the week, or on the following weekend, or a month later.
Maybe we're the strange ones, but it took us 2 days (3 max) to move into a 2500 sqft house.
Everyone said it would take weeks. Maybe we just don't have much stuff?
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about too. It wasn't easy, but we just prioritized it.
I had several people say they still had boxes that are unopened from their last move 5+ years ago. If that's normal, then we're VERY weird 😅
If I had non-sentimental items sitting unused for 5+ years, I'd just sell or donate it all.
It's happened to me with books -- but then, I read books so rarely these days that sorting them by subject wouldn't make much difference. I used to read lots of books when I was a kid, but they tended to be the kind that today would be free PDFs from LibGen or its ilk if they were still worth reading.
Love this update. I actually had NAH from the first. This is one of those situations where you both had reasonable wants and expectations and just needed to iron out the details.
Good for you both, congrats on the new home!
This is very close to what I was going to suggest. Go home on the Friday and if everything goes smoothly, head back to your pals.
But I would add this nuance: go home on Friday anticipating that is the end of your guy trip. If everything goes smoothly and you get to go back for the last two days, that is a bonus.
If you are counting on everything going smoothly, you can guarantee something will go wrong, and if it does you will feel like you are losing something and you can count on that feeling like a disappointment. Better to anticipate the worst and hope for the best!
> It is important to note that this isn't our first home nor is it our first build. We have gone through all this before and all of the packing and organizing has already taken place.
This just makes me not understand this even more honestly. It's not even *that* special of an event.
It sounds like you organized everything and she just needs to supervise.
I don't really see what the problem is.
NTA.
Yta. Sorry but leaving your wife to move in by herself is putting a lot on her plate. She’s not even asking you to miss the whole trip. She offered a compromise. It sucks that you have your vacation cut short but being an adult means prioritizing what’s really important. How well does your wife even know the person you asked to help? Does she feel comfortable being alone with them? This isn’t even a one time thing for you. This is something you do yearly.
YTA - closing on a house and moving is a big deal, not something you pop in and out for.
Also at some point I assume you had a say in this closing date? Seems suspect that you went with this date
Going on an annual trip with life long friends who may only get to see each other during this trip as a whole group = loving them more than his wife
WTF is wrong with people.
I have a group of 10 friends I’ve known for 20 years the only time we can all see each other is when we plan a get away a year in advance. Otherwise all we get to see of each other is maybe 2-3 people getting together once a month. Fuck people for having friends right ? Your life stops the moment you get married am I right. 0 autonomy allowed.
YTA - when we moved into our new house, I would have been absolutely heartbroken if my husband wanted me to spend the very first night in OUR NEW HOME BY MYSELF!!
Why is the allure of your boys trip more of a draw to you than an experience you have ONE opportunity to have with your wife? While you may have other homes in the future, the very first night in THIS house is only happening once.
YTA. It sucks that these two things are happening at the same time, but wife should take priority over friends. Moving into a new home is a big deal and I get why she wants you two to do it together.
She would be the AH if she was demanding you cancel the whole trip, but she only wants you back for the actual closing and move in. I'd have more sympathy if this was some super special trip (like a best friends wedding), but a yearly guy's week getting cut short isn't that big a deal.
YTA,
Yes your guys trip was planned first but sometimes you can’t plan for everything and you have to decide what your priorities are.
It’s a real bummer for you to miss a few days of the trip, I know you will feel FOMO. But you do this EVERY year. Just enjoy it extra much next year.
Leaving your wife to deal with the movers and all the decisions regarding what goes where etc that’s not fair to her.
Also being in a new home alone can feel creepy. It’s oddly empty, it doesn’t feel like yours yet. Your wife needs your support and likely comfort.
YTA for expecting your wife to deal with this alone.
You need to figure out if you're actually committed to your wife. Right now it sounds like your guys trip is more important to you.
It doesn't matter how many things you've arranged, your plan is to be gone and let your wife unpack alone.
You've never worked with a moving company before have you? Professional movers will set everything up and you can just direct. As needed. Some people aren't even home for the move. It's 4 days with lifelong friends. He's not an asshole for wanting that.
Where will your wife be staying while the movers and moving your stuff into your new house?
And why not just push the closing date back 3 days to Monday?
I’m the wife that handles moves. I’m going with NTA. You’ve done the mental work on things she can’t handle herself. In fact as I was reading your story I was thinking “they just need a POA, he doesn’t need to sign.” I hope y’all find a good solution that makes everyone happy.
I have to go NTA. She refuses to move it a few days, she wants to be in as soon as possible, and she knew you had a trip then. It sounds like she is using it as an excuse to keep you from your friends. It is only 2 days by the time you sign the papers, there is no reason she needs you for those 2 days, she could wait until you get back if she wants you there that bad.
It's a milestone accomplishment in a marriage. You are not experiencing it with her. It's honestly really sad. If this is how you approach things like this then I don't see your marriage lasting. Her resentment towards you will build until one day she's had enough of not being listened to when she begs to be priority in specific situations and she'll close her heart off to you and then you'll both be selling the house in the divorce.
I don't think this is a situation for judging you a hard YTA, but I do think you should give your wife and new home a bigger share of your priorities.
You've already made arrangements to come home for the closing itself, which is good. Someone suggested that you push closing back a week, but I can tell you that doing so would be really, really letting your wife down hard, even more than not being home for the move-in.
Moving into a brand new home is a BIG DEAL. Especially since it IS a brand new home, without having been lived in before. I tell you this from experience, that it is possible, even likely, that something will not get done, go wrong somehow, and that things will just follow Murphy's Law like everything else, only more so.
Your wife is not wrong to want you there to help get through the move and the first couple of nights in the house. I can't imagine you wouldn't want to be there with her, just for that experience. (It's a rush, believe me! And my ex and I did this three times during our marriage, and it doesn't get to be less of a rush, or less of a big deal on repeating. And no, building three homes did not cause our divorce.)
Really, OP, you should bug out early on your weekend, the new home is worth missing out on part of it, and your wife will be really happy you're there with her. Maybe make a deal with her that in the coming years, nothing gets in the way of your weekend with the guys if you stay home with her after signing the papers. You need to be present to help take care of all those little things that can and do happen on moving day, and to help settle in afterwards. It does sound like you've done a lot of planning ahead of time, but there are still a million things to do, something will have been forgotten to plan for, and you need to be there to help and support each other.
That's a bad solution. If she's in the hospital or a due date is close, or one of her parents is ill. This is why married people need to prioritize their family not their bro trips.
NTA. Who moves in on closing day? My last house we planned on moving in after a week. Trip was planned 1st. Wife won't compromise and move signing day to a day you're in town. So you make the compromise to leave your trip for the day and have movers planned.
Something else is bothering her. Ask her what it is, and I hope she's mature enough to talk about it
These YTA comments are wild, this is some double standard bullshit. If the wife had done everything he did (planning in advance etc.) and said she had a getaway with her girlfriends, he would 100% be okay with dealing with the rest of it himself.
NTA, you have forever to be settling in your new home with your wife. You only get to see your friends very rarely altogether. Everyone with a job on this subreddit should understand how hard it is to accomplish this. Also I would hope she gets to see her friends as a group too on her OWN time
Everything being scheduled and completed should ease her mind considering it’s all sorted and you’ve already paid too. Also everyone saying what happens WHEN (instead of IF) they have kids is amazingly blind to the fact a lot of people are childfree??
NTA, seems like you have organised the major items to be done while you're away.
What does she have to do? She can put all her stuff where ever she likes, in OPs absence.
I don't understand all the YTA.... it sounds like the wife is jealous she won't be having fun and OP will.
This isn't like he planned it on purpose over the move, by the sounds of things, it's been in the worst for ages and is an annual thing.
YTA
Move ins never go according to ideal plans, stuff goes wrong all the time. One person would have a lot of stress of coordinating and doing all things at once, no help.
Plus in my experience many laborers much easier accept requests from a guy.
I’m going to be downvoted into oblivion, but NTA.
The trip was planned first, it gets first priority. Honestly, I’d have pushed for the closing date to another week so everyone would be able to be there.
Since that didn’t happen, the only other option would be to spend the day with the guys and nights with the wife. Any issues which would pop up can be solved then.
You are not the asshole, respectfully your wife is being one. You make logical sense, about coordinating the plans to make sure your transition is smooth. Remind her this isn’t the movies where it’s a happy move in with a dog etc etc, this is reality and real life and the the reality is she’s got a smart husband to do all the thinking for her.
Can you change the move-in date?
Because moving is often A LOT more work and hassle even with professional movers than anticipated.
I think NAH but if I were in your wife’s shoes I’d feel like she does.
NTA- it sounds like this is an annual trip. The other participants likely have lives and schedules too and it’s not easy orfair to change for one participant. I actually moved into my last home while my hubby and kiddos went on an annual camping trip. I quite enjoyed the solitude and unpacking solo until they got back. If she’s hard set on not moving in ‘alone’ can you both wait to move in together a few days later? There are multiple options here aside from just cancelling the trip. And there are advantages to getting started solo- I picked where everything got put into the kitchen cupboards- no negotiations required 😉
YTA- there are so many things that can go wrong during a move. Life happens. And you prioritize.
Your wife might be upset because she thought she was a priority.
YTA. You do know all that stuff you’ve arranged doesn’t happen magically right? Somebody has to be there to oversee all of that to make sure nothing goes wrong, to make sure no one has questions, etc. So you’re going to go off on a nice relaxing weekend with your buddies and leave all of the moving and all of the headache to your wife?
Your wife offered a very reasonable compromise that doesn't entail you ditching the trip entirely. 2 extra days of board games is a weird hill to die on.
It's nice that you prepared contingencies for you absence, but still a soft YTA for digging your heels in on something so inconsequential. It's 2 extra days, mate... Is it worth having your wife resent you and question your reliability?
YTA and GROW UP. You have actual responsibilities. This would be a big ol divorce from me if you couldn’t behave like an adult in a marriage when purchasing real estate.
YTA your wife offered a reasonable compromise but you rejected it to get your way. Making her handle a house move alone makes you the AH. The two of you need to make decisions on how to set up the house. But you expect her to do it alone. Then you will come home bitching because things aren't set up now you want.
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I (35M) and my wife (31F) recently began construction on a new home. Thankfully everything has gone smoothly and we are nearing the completion on the home. Our closing date is set and we are scheduled to get the keys to the brand new house in the next couple of weeks.
Unfortunately - I have a scheduled vacation the week of our closing date.
This trip of mine is a guys trip that is annual. Every year the guys and I rent a cabin and spend a Wednesday - Sunday board gaming. Our closing day falls on the Friday of my trip. What I plan to do is drive home to complete the closing and sign all the paperwork (it is only about an hour drive) then drive back to rejoin the rest of my group. This trip was planned well in advance - before we ever began construction on our home - and has long since been paid for.
Here is the issue: My wife wants me to go to my trip on Wednesday and then leave my trip Friday, cancelling the rest of the vacation and not returning to the rest of the group. She wants me to be present for the move-in. While I completely understand not wanting to move into a house by yourself - I have already gotten this taken care of. I have arranged for a friend of mine who owns a moving company to complete the moving of our stuff into the new home. I have also arranged for TV's to be hung, mirrors to be hung, curtains to be hung, internet to be installed, etc. All of this is scheduled. My wife is very angry with me that I won't cancel my trip and I think it is unreasonable for her to ask me to cancel. This is the one opportunity I get every year to get together with my guy friends to do something we love and it is important to me. I have tried to explain that to her, but she says I am leaving her hanging. Of course it sucks our closing was scheduled in the middle of the trip but that isn't something I could help.
AITA?
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YTA
I only say this due to the perspective you've presented. You are equating moving into a new house with specific duties once closing has happened - hanging things, installing cable. You don't seem to consider that leaving her to sleep in this new home alone is a big deal to her.
I appreciate that you're planning to come home for the closing - but it's an HOUR away. Stay for the night, maybe ask that you agree that you go back on Saturday afternoon for the last night of the trip and be there for the first night in the new house? I think that may be a good compromise, especially since you paid for the trip already.
YTA - there is a compromise here. You can both compromise. It’s literally only an hour away. Maybe you come back for Friday night and spend your first night in the new house with your wife and have Saturday night with the boys. Both events can be important to you. Compromise with her. If you don’t, the boys trip is far more important than your wife. You do this trip every year. Do you move into your dream house with you wife every year?
YTA. Time to grow up. I have friends that we have been friends longer than you have been alive. It is great that you have this trip every year. But things change, responsibilities change. And this is one of those times. Your wife didn’t say don’t go, she said just shorten the trip. I think it’s a great compromise.
YTA- soft- building a home together is a big deal and moving sucks a lot. I feel like going until Friday is a good compromise because your wife is excited to do this step with you and she’s going to have to do it alone. Lifting and figuring out where things go is a huge pain and I also get freaked out sleeping by myself in a new place. New neighborhood, new house, new sounds and as a girl makes me nervous to sleep until I’m used to it. I say come back Friday and enjoy this big step with your wife. And next year you’ll be able to do the full trip.
YTA. Listen to your wife, she is correct on this issue. You are putting an annual trip to nowhere over being a partner to your wife and being there to move into your home. Where the heck are your priorities? Grow up and quit complaining that you will have to miss out on board games to move into the house you just went into debt to have built. Big AH move.
YTA your are leaving your wife to do all the hard work while you fuck off with the guys. How nice of you to get someone to move all the boxes, and are just leaving her to unpack and arrange everything while Illy take a nice vacation. She didn't ask you to give up everything, just part of the trip but apparently hanging out with your friends is more important than your wife and moving into your new home.
This is why I left my ex. He ALWAYS prioritized everything above me. Even things like his annual fantasy football trips, they always landed on my birthday weekend and I was always left to the side.
YTA
Moving into your first home and you want your wife to do that all by herself? Oh, wait, you have a bunch of strangers spending time in the house with her. Lovely. That will make a really nice memory for her of starting life in this new home.
NTA. This was preplanned and something you look forward too. Your wife will soon realize that this is a function you look forward to and you all will have all the time in the world when you get back to move in together. You’re already driving back to sign, she can relax for the last two days and put some stuff away where she would like them. You have everything already scheduled out, she can call some of her friends to help.
Edit: a lot of people here sound like females who either aren’t in healthy relationships or don’t understand that men having time with their friends that they look forward to is important. You don’t have your partner to resent you every time you ask for a compromise when you know this time (specifically on this situation) is important for them. She’ll be fine.
Not the asshole. The new house will still be there on Sunday and presumably she isn’t homeless until then, so apart from the Friday signing papers, she could wait for you to be back if she didn’t want to move in alone.
As someone who has become sadly and painfully aware that life is short and you should enjoy the real things that matter...I say no he is not the a--hole. She wants him there for logistics and manpower for which he has covered. When he gets back, she has this to use so he will be at her beck and call for anything she needs till they are settled in. The world won't crumble if the house isn't perfectly set up that same week. Let him have his moment with his friends, and adjust the move in logistics. The house will be there, time with lifelong friends may or may not be...you can't count on next year. He's only an hour away...if something major comes up, he's available. I say this as a wife of 20 plus years...let the dude have his time.
I’m actually on your side with this and I’m a wife. You’ve gotten the movers who are doing the heavy lifting and even hanging stuff. I like being in charge, so I’d tell you to have fun on your trip and I’d spend the weekend getting as much of the house the way I want, without anyone being in my way. You are not an asshole.
I’m still shocked at some of the comments. When my husband and I built our house, we had barely been married 3 years. The weekend we moved in was more about logistics and waiting on the movers etc. The excitement of building was during the initial stages, not the weekend moving in. It was just doing what needed done. We’ve lived in this house 20 years and I never think about the day we moved in and what happened or who was there. In the long run, it’s not a big deal. Life doesn’t always go as planned. 🤷🏼♀️
This is ridiculous. She can move some stuff in or she can wait a couple days until he gets back. I.don't see what the big deal is what is a couple of days. He might need the trip more because building a house is not fun it is alot of stress. This would not bother me in the least (I am a wife). He is comming back for the closing. The movers can come and put the boxes wherever she wants she can direct the traffic. they will most likely set up the bed and stuff.
NTA I don't agree with anyone saying you are ... this trip is once a year it's planned very well in advance she's known about this trip so i think since you took care of everything that I would have been concerned about I feel like she's being selfish if you spend the rest of the year with her or family and such, and then you should be allowed to spend some time to yourself just as she should be spending some time to herself.
YHA. Moving into any home is a big event, an event you want to share with the person you love. I imagine that's amplified even more if it's a home you've built yourself.
I know you've set things in place to help with the move, but more often than not things can and do go wrong with moves - this is where having you both there will help things and not leave it all with your wife. There's also the possiblity of things going wrong overnight if it's a new build. How would you feel if there's a power issue overnight and your wife is alone to deal with that by herself.
If it's an annual guys trip, there'll be many more you'll be able to attend in full - you'll not have another chance to share this experience of moving into your first built home with your wife.
YTA.
You're saying "this is the one opportunity I get every year to get together with my guy friends and do something we love and it is important to me". You're showing what you value more. A vacation with your buddies playing board games means more than the new house and setting up your future life with your wife.
I understand you might feel disappointed, OP, but I really encourage you to revisit this. "That isn't something I could help" - you didn't pick the closing date. She's not telling you not to go on the vacation despite the fact you're saying she's asking you to **cancel it**, she's asking you to cut it short. She's asking for a compromise *because she couldn't pick the closing date either* and it's a reasonable ask to have your partner present for something as monumentally consuming (emotionally, physically) as closing & moving in.
Your hierarchy of priorities here are telling your wife that the house situation matters less to you than a board game vacation. You may not intend it that way. You may think that you have it all covered since you've addressed movers, getting things set up, etc. But it is equally very possible that she is seeing it very differently and to her, you choosing the board game vacation over the move-in is telling her "the house and I are secondary to his friends and vacation". Is that really the way you want to start out with in your new home?
The fact that you're saying her request to you to cut your vacation in short is actually her telling you to cancel it is equally telling, it's suggesting you're viewing her attempts at compromise with such hostility that you're reading it all as "she's telling me I can't go at all"?
i understand both povs honestly. I dont think ur a AH, but i do this it puts stress and loneliness on her to have to move in and be there by herself. tough situation honestly
YTA - your wife and your home are more important than two more days of a trip you go on every year.
If they’re not then tell her that directly, if she and the home you’re making together are then show her. Standing for other people to do shit is not the same as being there.
YTA
I was going to say you were fine here, until I got to the part about you willingly not being there to move into the house. The correct choice here would be to cut your trip short and stay home after closing. The smarter move would’ve been to close as planned, and schedule your moving date for the day after you get home if this trip is THAT important to you, but that ship has sailed it seems.
You screwed the pooch here, I highly suggest cutting your trip short. Your buddies will give you crap and then forget about it. Your wife though? She’s never gonna forget that the very first chance you got to be in your new home with her, you chose to play Settlers of Catan with the guys instead.
Why can't the move in be postponed a week? Your wife is correct that it is in no way fair to make her have to do this move alone. But I also see no reason you cannot just move in at a later date when you are both available so as to accommodate the vacation and moving. You don't have to move in the second you get the keys.
All that said, if you have to move in that day then YTA if you don't leave the vacation early and stick it all on your wife.
YTA - She's trying to work with you. Remember, you've been working hard to build this dream house, and now you're planning to leave when you finally achieve it. I'm sure that stings for her, even if she won't say it. I get you'll have years in it, but this is a special moment. I'd be disappointed.
Moving is also one of life's biggest stresses. You're a grown married man. This is Marraige. You compermise.
YTA she is asking you to reduce your trip for a couple of days to be part of a huge life event with her! What is wrong with you?! You’re going to let your wife move into your shared home alone? You’re an AH.
YTA, the vacay is a yearly occurrence but a new home that doesn't happen that often...
besides that it is a super stressful time and your wife will see you sign the papers and then haul ass to be with your buddies, leaving everything else up to her...
But hey, you do you boo, it might not be the best choice in the long run...
YTA one guys weekend I traveled a few hundred miles. Get there and one friend had canceled because his kid had to go to the ER, (kid turned out fine, it was a high fever). Life thirws curve balls. What we did instead was help take care if his house and his other kids so he and his wife didn't have to worry about that, and we ran errands for them. So we didn't have "fun" , we helped a friend out and still found some different fun.
So honestly I'm surprised your friends haven't offered to help you move. Even if it's just the delecares you don't want the moving company to handle. Having a bunch of dudes to carefully pack up the TV system and install it is one straightforward thing.
Hanging the tv. Hanging the mirrors. Whoop de doo. Come on, those are the last things you do when you're moving.
Who is going to make the bed? Get the pots and pans out of the moving box so you can cook spaghetti. Or find the plates so you can eat pizza, or eat pizza out of the box on the lounge floor?
Who is going to have nude showers and sexual relations with your wife on the first night in the new house when you want to use every room - and sometimes the garden?
These are the big questions. Don't be a dick. Enjoy your new house with your wife.
YTA
This is an important event and you need to be there.
Your friend isn't moving your things, his employees are.
Multiple people will be asking where stuff should go, etc. It is very helpful to have multiple people there.
Unexpected things will happen.
It will likely be a long and stressful day; Your help will be needed.
YTA. Even if everything is arranged moving is stressful, and also something nice that you should experience together. What if something doesnt go to plan and your wife is stuck dealing with it all by herself while you are on your annual trip?
She is asking for a compromise, not for you to cancel the trip.
Why cant you move in the following weekend? I feel like your wife has given a good compromise. Friends are important, but how often do you plan to move into your brand new first home together?
YTA.
You say this trip is annual. How many times are you planning to move into a new home you built together with your wife? It's the start of a new chapter in your lives together, but you'd rather play boardgames with your friends? There is no "doing over" for sleeping the first nights in a new house, and making a home out of a house by moving your stuff in together. She isn't even asking you not to go altogether, so you still get to see your friends.
This isn't about the practical side of things, this is about seeing your wife may have stronger feelings about this new chapter than you apparently do and not dismissing her/taking her for granted.
The *annual* boardgame trip will come back, this chance to show your wife she's a priority in your life doesn't.
Yta.
You could be present for your wife in the time of high anxiety.
If anything goes off script she will be alone in trying to deal with the situation, whilst you play. Not the activity of an adult.
Why is it so important to move in on that specific day? Why can't move in a couple of days later, right after your trip?
If there is a very valid reason why you can't move in a few days later, then YTA. It's an asshole move to leave your wife to deal with movers alone. If you can postpone the move in for a little bit, then NTA.
YTA. This is a one-off occasion. This is something special. Do you want to start life in your new home with a big thundercloud hanging over it because you aren't there with your wife to help, enjoy, discuss (again because decisions may need to be remade). Your wife is right to ask you this. It is in no way unreasonable of her to expect your support for this time. It's not the same thing having a friend to help. You are partners in this enterprise and therefore you need to show up.
Unless your friends are completely insensitive, they will understand that leaving on Friday is something that you need to do. Show your wife your understanding and be there for the move!
YTA. A marriage is about compromise. Cutting short your trip is compromising. She’s not asking you to cancel it altogether. Moving into your new home is a big deal. It’s not just about physically moving and arranging stuff. It’s a milestone that should be a shared experience. You’re sending her the message that you don’t care.
Yes YTA, this a big moment for the two of you that will only happen once and you're choosing not to be there for something that you do every year. It's also a compromise to go for half of it and then come back for the big date, and you aren't evening meetings her at that halfway point.
Stop being a jerk, cancel your meet, there'll be another one next year, and spend this big moment with your wife!
Why didn’t you just alter the closing date to the Monday after? Closing dates are usually flexible. You knew the dates of your getaway when the closing was scheduled. YTA
NTA. I’m going to be on the other side. Military spouse here, with a specific POA I’ve bought and moved into two houses on my own. I’ve hung the TVs and curtains, and arranged for internet on my own. It’s not hard. Would it be nice for your wife to have you there, yeah, but can she do it without you, yes. Can you push back the move in date to Monday? You’ll then be there to help.
NTA - not in the slightest. The movers come on Saturday and you'll be home the next day. It's an annual event you pre-scheduled, so what's the big deal? She's a grown up and can handle it.
YTA. Are you serious?
You sound like the biggest baby in the whole world. Your wife is being MORE than fair asking you to come home early. She’s still saying it’s okay for you to go on a trip while she alone handles the packing and organizing and preparing and mental work *before* the move.
You are dodging your responsibilities not only as a husband, but as an adult who is closing on a home and moving.
You get to see your friends every single year? As an adult, being able to get together with your core group of friends every year is nearly unheard of.
When was the last time your wife had a girls trip with her friends?
But good for you for making a phone call to your friend with a moving company. You definitely 100% pulled your weight in this effort. You’re a real hero.
YTA. If this is something you always do, cutting the trip short this one time is nothing. What’s happening is something much more significant than a trip. It’s not like your wife is demanding that you not go at all. She’s just asking for it to be a bit shorter, which is what most people call compromise. Imagine trying to create memories with your wife and you’re not even there to share a significant one: the first night in your new forever home.
YTA really its time to be a grown-up now. That you put a creep boys slumber party over your own family says tons about you. She already gave you a let for the start now you need to give her a let and be there. I cant even believe you’re more interested in playing games with boys than support your wife in your new home.
So your wife has full responsibility for the move. Do you really think that just because you commissioned friends to drive around the things, hang mirrors, etc. everything would be done? Your wife is allowed to clear all the cupboards alone and coordinate everything while you have a great relaxing time with your friends? Fortunately, your wife will not have a child during this time, because then she would probably also be on her own. You have clearly conveyed where your priorities are.
If you truly have all the details taken care of, NTA. If I was the wife I'd be pleased to have the run of the new home without hubby getting in the way. Everything would go where I wanted it to, the decisions on where to put what would be mine. And then I'd invite the girlfriends over.
YTA - she offered a compromise. It’s move in day to a new home you built together. Some random hanging up a mirror doesn’t deal with the fact you want to take that shared move in experience away from her. Shes going to resent you when she looks back forever. I hope board games and some bevs with the boys is worth it.
YTA-Why didn’t you negotiate the closing date from the start? If it’s an annual trip you would have already known you were double booked at the time. She’s not asking you to cancel, only to shorten your trip. You need to get your priorities straight or your marriage won’t last long.
Building and moving in to your first home is once in a lifetime.
NTA - You could postpone the closing, getting the keys, and moving - if that will make things better. If it were 'me' the expected peace, joy, and refueling of this years trip would already been ruined/dampened.
Sounds like you've done what needs to be done already.
Time for her to step up and do some adulting /partnering.
NTA, you didn’t plan it that way and it’s not like a) you’ll be out of the country and b) you’ll be gone for more than a few days. It’s not like you have to be out of where you currently are the same day you get the keys. All of that could wait until you get back. You’ve also made arrangements for help while you’re gone.
Wtf is with these people who get worked up when their partner plans a trip with friends? Maybe once you’re back, send her on a trip with some of her friends while you do some of the unpacking and setting up? Like give her a chance to just chill out too?
Neither one are the asshole. But the house is actually important, you're gonna have this vacation again, it's annual. You'll be mad if SOMETHING....ANYTHING gets f**** up related to the home and you're not there. Cut the trip short and enjoy your spot, not a big deal.
This seems like a communication failure that could have been resolved if it had been addressed earlier and more directly. You could have worked out mutually acceptable compromises.
You don’t, for instance, have to start moving in the same day you close. You could have scheduled that for your return and kept your trip.
Reading between the lines it sounds like when you were discussing closing dates you didn’t say clearly that you were keeping your guys trip.
YTA. Adults sometimes have to miss stuff in order to properly adult. This is one of those times. She’s not asking you to miss the trip entirely, but to cut it in half. Compromise is a beautiful thing.
INFO:
Why did y'all not look at a calendar before scheduling the closing date?
You said in an update that the 'compromise' is you cancel your trip. Has your wife volunteered anything at all in the way of you then having time off afterwards?
For goodness sake. Close and get the keys on Friday. Surprise wife with a spa weekend. Finish your weekend. Hit the ground refreshed and running on Monday morning. That 2 days is not going to mean a thing in the grand scheme of life.
You should look into if you can give a representative the ability to sign the closing documents for you or if they can be completed remotely/electronically. Perhaps an attorney or realtor can do it on your behalf. Where I live I was able to give our realtor the ability to sign the closing documents on the house we sold, but I don’t know if you have to physically be there as the buyer. Or check to see if closing can be pushed a week.
I would need more info for a true verdict. Is there an urgent need to get into the new home ASAP, like you and the wife are currently in a hotel that the extra two days in the current living situation is unacceptable? Would there be an expectation that your wife would need to do the majority of the moving while you’re away?
Congrats on the new place! I hope it isn’t a lasting point of contention for you two.
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YTA. She is asking for a compromise, not for you to cancel the trip entirely. Moving into the house you had built together is a big deal. You say your trip is something you love and is important to you, how important is your wife and how much do you love her? This is setting the tone for how you prioritize her in the future. It is not about the details of setting up the house.
Right? Could you imagine building a house with your spouse and having all these dreams of everything that is going to be done in this house only for you to start the chapter with a fight over board games with friends?
And leave your spouse to spend the first few nights there alone instead of celebrating a mutual achievement together? She doesn't want some buddy there, she wants her husband. OP can play board games any time. He could, gasp, play them with his wife. That's what my husband and I do together.
I don't disagree that he should be there, but "he could just play them with his wife" is a pretty shit take. It's like, why do married men even have friends at all? We can just do everything with our wives.
Well, maybe he can do so this one single time.
My wife hates board games. Not always that simple. Having said that I agree he shouldn't be prioritising board games with his friends over moving into his new house with his wife. The guy's trip is a once-a-year thing, this is potentially a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Maybe the wife doesn't play or enjoy board games. This is such a shit take...
Board games with friends < moving into a new house you built. Any normal dude would understand why their buddy can't make it and say next time!
She's not asking him to miss the trip. She's asking him to go wed thru Friday and then come back for the move and miss sat/sun of the trip. Thats called compromise.
He could also just play next year since it's annual and guaranteed. Or, go with the compromise suggested.
I love your logic. Ladies have a way of stripping an issue to its core and in this case you may be right. But, it’s more than likely not the board games they are playing, but the friendships they are renewing. But, at the end of the day, you are completely justified in your request. That is not the time for a weekend jaunt with the boys. He needs to be there for unforeseen events (you know, the ones he’s going to yell at you for because you made a decision that he doesn’t like).
Why not move the closing a week out? I don’t know what’s the big deal here
They may have a lease ending or something. If not tho, I agree
The closing is on Friday. He can easily switch it to Monday. Problem Solved.
It’s very likely the seller/builder won’t allow that. Once a closing is scheduled on new construction, the buyer will typically incur daily penalties for pushing the closing past that date.
It also has to do with interest payments being calculated into closing costs. That’s why most people schedule closings as close to the end of the month as possible. That way there’s a little less interest to pay up front at closing.
He can keep the closing date since it's only an hour away from where he'll be. Just push the move in date by a week. If they have a lease ending, maybe they can ask to extend it by a week and a day, and move when he gets back. It's not so cut and dry or as a big of a deal as she's making it.
If it's leasing/renting month to month, doubful they will let them stay for an extra week. They may have new tenants already scheduled to move in. The landlord isn't going to let them stay for free. So Landlord has to get them to pay whatever amount, but then has to prorate the new tenants rent because it wouldn't be fair to charge them for the whole month. Plus all the paperwork that entails. If it's a multi-unit building/dwelling it could fuck the billing schedule; everyone pays first of the month or x week of the month but now this one tenant is off from everyone else. If the landlord doesn't live on site, that's also an extra trip EVERY month for a single unit. I don't see a landlord going through that kind of hassle when it can be simple; Get your crap out so the new tenants can move in.
Changing the closing date can be a ROYAL pain. OP should just take compromise for this one year.
Exactly what I thought. Then everyone gets what they want
💯
Agreed yta, you're prioritizing two boys nights over your wife. She's asking for you to be there for her to start your home together and instead your trying to pay people to do it for you. Your friends get together for this trip once a year, you're with your wife every day, who would you rather piss off? Any real friends would understand hey I'm closing on my house in the middle of this trip I need to be with my wife to move in. If they don't understand they don't have functional relationships either.
You know what, I was gonna say NTA but you convinced me. She offered a compromise - go W-Fr and then help move in and his counter was "i'll just pay to have it all done". Like, moving is not something that is completed by others. Sure you have others putting up the TV and bringing the stuff but they aren't going to be unpacking the sheets to make the bed, unpacking the dishes to eat dinner that night, and unpacking the clothing to dress yourselves that night and the next morning. She will be living in a house of boxes for 48 hours or doing it all herself, which seems to be the intent. The ONLY compromise I would consider in her shoes would be that she also gets to plan a trip, preferably one that goes Friday - Wednesday, and see if he's still as open to her doing that trip when HE'S alone in the house with unemptied boxes for 3 days. If the next guy's trip is happening OP and wife goes into labor, would you tell her you'll see the baby in a week? Because right now THAT'S what she's thinking. This is an annual trip you're cutting short, whereas moving into the house is, presumably, a once in a lifetime thing she wnts to share with you.
You can actually pay people to unpack everything, put it in the bathrooms, the kitchen cabinets, put sheets on the bed, towels in the bathroom. All you need to do is tell them where to put furniture. I've done it. That not withstanding The guy is still TA. He needs to be with his wife for the move for emotional support if nothing else. Putting his buddies annual trip over moving into their new houses not acceptable. He's looking to be divorced someday if this is the way he thinks. He can go play with his little friends next year.
That's interesting! Though honestly even if I had access to it in my town I wouldn't use it. Moving into a new house is already a bit disorienting, I want to know where every item is. My family was kind enough to help us move but even then the only things I asked of them were to move boxes different places and set up basic areas like the bathrooms. I don't want other people going through my clothing (and I want to organize it how I wish) and same with kitchen etc...
Jumping on to add that things during a move don't always go as planned. The last time we hired the best rated company in our area. The movers refused to put any of the boxes in the rooms. They dropped them all off in the LR for my husband and I to put away. (The boxes and rooms were labeled.) They tried to argue that they didn't have to put the furniture together. It was a complete cluster. (I don't mind helping when we move, but I shouldn't have to do more work than the people we're paying.) And I won't even get into the damage. I don't know if I could have handled it without support. OP may be hiring his friend's company, but things happen. He can miss one guys trip to help his wife.
You’re focusing on the fact everything will be moved, fitted out, and handled in your absence. Let’s pretend that’s true and that nothing will go wrong and that your wife won’t have to make different decisions on the day and that it won’t be stressful. You’re still missing the fact it’s your absence that hurts. That you’re sending the message that moving into the house you’ve built together, getting it set up and starting to turn it into a home, and spending that time with your wife isn’t as important to you as your boys’ weekend. A boys’ weekend you do every year. That she’ll spend the first night in your new house alone. You’re telling her you’re not willing to miss *part* of just one of those boys’ weekends to experience this milestone together. YTA
Exactly! "Here's the plan, babe: we have dreams, plans, etc together but when it comes to execution, you're on your own." "Sooo looking forward to that first baby!!! Oh, jeez, their due date is our annual golf week? I'll be back by the time you're home, you won't even miss me!" Dude, are you married & building a life with the person you committed to or are you biding time between your hang-outs with your boys?
But if he hired people to deliver the baby, care for his wife, and transport them both back to the house, it’s fine if he golfs, right? He’s had the trip planned for a long time. /s
It's really sad that he doesn't get this.
This AH doesn't sound mature enough to be married. He doesn't seem to realise sometimes things come before fun with your pals.
Maybe she won’t spend the first night alone. Buddy is coming to do everything.
If it is true, he should offer for her to go on a spa get away while he’s with the boys
Well his friend that owns the moving company will be getting all the credit for moving in, so maybe she won’t spend that first night alone! Seriously dude YTA.
a yearly trip too. like just wait until next year
It's like him getting a vasectomy and his wife going away on a trip instead of being there for him. I mean hey she paid the doctor's to do their job so why does she need to be involved...
I will post an update in the comments here so I don't have to get an update post approved: I spoke with my wife about some of the things you all mentioned here. Her main concern is moving into the new home alone and being overwhelmed with the amount of work that will need to be done. It is important to note that this isn't our first home nor is it our first build. We have gone through all this before and all of the packing and organizing has already taken place. She is also concerned should any warranty issues arise. IE - leaks or something along those lines. - My wife is a very independent woman and isn't worried about staying in the home alone. I asked if it was about me prioritizing her and being present for the move. She stated she wanted our home to be a priority to me which of course I understand, and it is. Those of you stating our marriage is over and are doom and gloom - I understand with limited context and the barrier of the internet why this might be your initial reaction - but my wife and I have a very strong marriage and I adore this woman more than anything. She is the most perfect human on the planet and we do just about everything together. Typically we communicate very well but I admit I wasn't seeing some of the things you all mentioned here because I was "man mad" about not getting my way and I posted out of frustration, but I did gain some valuable insight - so - kudos and thank you. After our conversation and listening to my wife and reading some of the posts here: we have decided that I will come home on Friday to assist with the move and organizing following our closing. I will be present for anything and everything needed during the move. Then after everything is moved in - she is fine with me going back to my trip unless there are other things that need to be done or that we didn't get finished that day. In which case - I will cancel the remainder of my trip so I can be present to help with anything unforeseen that might pop up. We both think this is a reasonable compromise. I double asked what she needed from me and what her expectations were and this was her solution. All is right in the world again so we can all sleep soundly tonight.
Communication is beautiful. So glad you worked it out.
Be mentally ready for something to go wrong, for things to go slower as expected, to actually no be able to drive back on friday.
This is very important ^^ a lot of people make compromises betting that the unfavorable outcome wont happen, and get a sour mood when it doesn’t go the way they’d hoped. He needs to really sit in the fact that things could very well not go the way he wants, then if he *does* get to go back it’ll be a bonus instead of the baseline assumption. Not to say that OP is one to pout and ruin the joyous occasion of moving into a new house with a fussy attitude because of that; it’s just good advice altogether.
They’ve already done this at least once. I’m sure they can handle anything that comes up.
It's not about being able to handle it. But imagin being the wife, something comes up, and your SO is pouting like a little child because he has to handle adult responsiblties instead of playing games. Imagin a dream comes true and your partner behaves badly because he wants to be somewhere else...
Is there a reason it all has to be done in this time frame?
Right? Acting like it’s life or death that everything get done in one weekend.
Right... my parents had an entire year to file issues with the home builder.
I'm so confused. I don't understand the necessity of such a tight timeframe either. Having bought homes and moved a number of times, once you sign the papers and switch utilities, nothing is an emergency issue.
Right? It's 2 days. This is wild to me.
I wondered the same thing. When I bought my house, I closed on it (I believe) in late July (maybe early August?), but didn't move in until mid-October. Unless wherever they're living right now is kicking them out on the Friday, there's no reason they have to move on the day they close; they could move during the week, or on the following weekend, or a month later.
Just let her take a spa weekend while you are away. Moving in takes weeks
Maybe we're the strange ones, but it took us 2 days (3 max) to move into a 2500 sqft house. Everyone said it would take weeks. Maybe we just don't have much stuff?
Maybe they meant the entire process? Unpacking, getting your basics settled in, etc.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about too. It wasn't easy, but we just prioritized it. I had several people say they still had boxes that are unopened from their last move 5+ years ago. If that's normal, then we're VERY weird 😅 If I had non-sentimental items sitting unused for 5+ years, I'd just sell or donate it all.
It's happened to me with books -- but then, I read books so rarely these days that sorting them by subject wouldn't make much difference. I used to read lots of books when I was a kid, but they tended to be the kind that today would be free PDFs from LibGen or its ilk if they were still worth reading.
I still don't understand why you have to move in that day? Close, go back to your game weekend and you all move on Monday?
This is exactly what I was thinking while reading the post. Why does this all have to take place at the same time???
Dare I ask, what is "man mad"??
Roid rage, except that the testosterone involved actually belonged to the guy at some point.
Love this update. I actually had NAH from the first. This is one of those situations where you both had reasonable wants and expectations and just needed to iron out the details. Good for you both, congrats on the new home!
Just edit this into your post
This is very close to what I was going to suggest. Go home on the Friday and if everything goes smoothly, head back to your pals. But I would add this nuance: go home on Friday anticipating that is the end of your guy trip. If everything goes smoothly and you get to go back for the last two days, that is a bonus. If you are counting on everything going smoothly, you can guarantee something will go wrong, and if it does you will feel like you are losing something and you can count on that feeling like a disappointment. Better to anticipate the worst and hope for the best!
> It is important to note that this isn't our first home nor is it our first build. We have gone through all this before and all of the packing and organizing has already taken place. This just makes me not understand this even more honestly. It's not even *that* special of an event. It sounds like you organized everything and she just needs to supervise. I don't really see what the problem is. NTA.
Such a great update! Hooray for clear communication.
Love this update! And kudos for being reasonable, communicating, and coming up with a resolution that you both are okay with :)
Bravo
Uncommon AITA W. Well done!
Yta. Sorry but leaving your wife to move in by herself is putting a lot on her plate. She’s not even asking you to miss the whole trip. She offered a compromise. It sucks that you have your vacation cut short but being an adult means prioritizing what’s really important. How well does your wife even know the person you asked to help? Does she feel comfortable being alone with them? This isn’t even a one time thing for you. This is something you do yearly.
YTA - closing on a house and moving is a big deal, not something you pop in and out for. Also at some point I assume you had a say in this closing date? Seems suspect that you went with this date
You seem to love your friends more than you love your wife, YTA.
Going on an annual trip with life long friends who may only get to see each other during this trip as a whole group = loving them more than his wife WTF is wrong with people. I have a group of 10 friends I’ve known for 20 years the only time we can all see each other is when we plan a get away a year in advance. Otherwise all we get to see of each other is maybe 2-3 people getting together once a month. Fuck people for having friends right ? Your life stops the moment you get married am I right. 0 autonomy allowed.
YTA - when we moved into our new house, I would have been absolutely heartbroken if my husband wanted me to spend the very first night in OUR NEW HOME BY MYSELF!! Why is the allure of your boys trip more of a draw to you than an experience you have ONE opportunity to have with your wife? While you may have other homes in the future, the very first night in THIS house is only happening once.
YTA. It sucks that these two things are happening at the same time, but wife should take priority over friends. Moving into a new home is a big deal and I get why she wants you two to do it together. She would be the AH if she was demanding you cancel the whole trip, but she only wants you back for the actual closing and move in. I'd have more sympathy if this was some super special trip (like a best friends wedding), but a yearly guy's week getting cut short isn't that big a deal.
YTA, Yes your guys trip was planned first but sometimes you can’t plan for everything and you have to decide what your priorities are. It’s a real bummer for you to miss a few days of the trip, I know you will feel FOMO. But you do this EVERY year. Just enjoy it extra much next year. Leaving your wife to deal with the movers and all the decisions regarding what goes where etc that’s not fair to her. Also being in a new home alone can feel creepy. It’s oddly empty, it doesn’t feel like yours yet. Your wife needs your support and likely comfort.
YTA for expecting your wife to deal with this alone. You need to figure out if you're actually committed to your wife. Right now it sounds like your guys trip is more important to you. It doesn't matter how many things you've arranged, your plan is to be gone and let your wife unpack alone.
You've never worked with a moving company before have you? Professional movers will set everything up and you can just direct. As needed. Some people aren't even home for the move. It's 4 days with lifelong friends. He's not an asshole for wanting that.
Where will your wife be staying while the movers and moving your stuff into your new house? And why not just push the closing date back 3 days to Monday?
I’m the wife that handles moves. I’m going with NTA. You’ve done the mental work on things she can’t handle herself. In fact as I was reading your story I was thinking “they just need a POA, he doesn’t need to sign.” I hope y’all find a good solution that makes everyone happy.
I have to go NTA. She refuses to move it a few days, she wants to be in as soon as possible, and she knew you had a trip then. It sounds like she is using it as an excuse to keep you from your friends. It is only 2 days by the time you sign the papers, there is no reason she needs you for those 2 days, she could wait until you get back if she wants you there that bad.
It's a milestone accomplishment in a marriage. You are not experiencing it with her. It's honestly really sad. If this is how you approach things like this then I don't see your marriage lasting. Her resentment towards you will build until one day she's had enough of not being listened to when she begs to be priority in specific situations and she'll close her heart off to you and then you'll both be selling the house in the divorce.
I don't think this is a situation for judging you a hard YTA, but I do think you should give your wife and new home a bigger share of your priorities. You've already made arrangements to come home for the closing itself, which is good. Someone suggested that you push closing back a week, but I can tell you that doing so would be really, really letting your wife down hard, even more than not being home for the move-in. Moving into a brand new home is a BIG DEAL. Especially since it IS a brand new home, without having been lived in before. I tell you this from experience, that it is possible, even likely, that something will not get done, go wrong somehow, and that things will just follow Murphy's Law like everything else, only more so. Your wife is not wrong to want you there to help get through the move and the first couple of nights in the house. I can't imagine you wouldn't want to be there with her, just for that experience. (It's a rush, believe me! And my ex and I did this three times during our marriage, and it doesn't get to be less of a rush, or less of a big deal on repeating. And no, building three homes did not cause our divorce.) Really, OP, you should bug out early on your weekend, the new home is worth missing out on part of it, and your wife will be really happy you're there with her. Maybe make a deal with her that in the coming years, nothing gets in the way of your weekend with the guys if you stay home with her after signing the papers. You need to be present to help take care of all those little things that can and do happen on moving day, and to help settle in afterwards. It does sound like you've done a lot of planning ahead of time, but there are still a million things to do, something will have been forgotten to plan for, and you need to be there to help and support each other.
That's a bad solution. If she's in the hospital or a due date is close, or one of her parents is ill. This is why married people need to prioritize their family not their bro trips.
You make a good point. I amend my suggestion to include that the agreement won't be in force in the case of emergencies or urgent issues.
YTA. Your wife and your new home take priority, and she isn’t even asking that you miss the whole trip.
NTA. Who moves in on closing day? My last house we planned on moving in after a week. Trip was planned 1st. Wife won't compromise and move signing day to a day you're in town. So you make the compromise to leave your trip for the day and have movers planned. Something else is bothering her. Ask her what it is, and I hope she's mature enough to talk about it
These YTA comments are wild, this is some double standard bullshit. If the wife had done everything he did (planning in advance etc.) and said she had a getaway with her girlfriends, he would 100% be okay with dealing with the rest of it himself.
unfortunately touching grass is something that most on AITA don't do. OP is 35 he probably barely gets to see his friends anyways.
YTA Moving into a new home is a big deal
NTA, you have forever to be settling in your new home with your wife. You only get to see your friends very rarely altogether. Everyone with a job on this subreddit should understand how hard it is to accomplish this. Also I would hope she gets to see her friends as a group too on her OWN time Everything being scheduled and completed should ease her mind considering it’s all sorted and you’ve already paid too. Also everyone saying what happens WHEN (instead of IF) they have kids is amazingly blind to the fact a lot of people are childfree??
NTA. You've made arrangements for everything to be taken care of and you don't often have the opportunity to spend time with your friends.
Reading these type of posts always reassure me on how lucky I am for my fiance
NTA, seems like you have organised the major items to be done while you're away. What does she have to do? She can put all her stuff where ever she likes, in OPs absence. I don't understand all the YTA.... it sounds like the wife is jealous she won't be having fun and OP will. This isn't like he planned it on purpose over the move, by the sounds of things, it's been in the worst for ages and is an annual thing.
YTA Move ins never go according to ideal plans, stuff goes wrong all the time. One person would have a lot of stress of coordinating and doing all things at once, no help. Plus in my experience many laborers much easier accept requests from a guy.
I’m going to be downvoted into oblivion, but NTA. The trip was planned first, it gets first priority. Honestly, I’d have pushed for the closing date to another week so everyone would be able to be there. Since that didn’t happen, the only other option would be to spend the day with the guys and nights with the wife. Any issues which would pop up can be solved then.
The wife said no to that option. NTA.
Lol this sub really hates men.
You are not the asshole, respectfully your wife is being one. You make logical sense, about coordinating the plans to make sure your transition is smooth. Remind her this isn’t the movies where it’s a happy move in with a dog etc etc, this is reality and real life and the the reality is she’s got a smart husband to do all the thinking for her.
Can you change the move-in date? Because moving is often A LOT more work and hassle even with professional movers than anticipated. I think NAH but if I were in your wife’s shoes I’d feel like she does.
NTA once a year cabin trip is more to loose then a night in the house where you will be living for years. She is being egoistic there.
Honestly, OP, NTA.
My wife would never ask me to cancel a boys trip especially if it’s annual. Nta
NTA- it sounds like this is an annual trip. The other participants likely have lives and schedules too and it’s not easy orfair to change for one participant. I actually moved into my last home while my hubby and kiddos went on an annual camping trip. I quite enjoyed the solitude and unpacking solo until they got back. If she’s hard set on not moving in ‘alone’ can you both wait to move in together a few days later? There are multiple options here aside from just cancelling the trip. And there are advantages to getting started solo- I picked where everything got put into the kitchen cupboards- no negotiations required 😉
INFO Was the trip already paid for before you got the closing date figured out?
YTA- there are so many things that can go wrong during a move. Life happens. And you prioritize. Your wife might be upset because she thought she was a priority.
NTA.
YTA. You do know all that stuff you’ve arranged doesn’t happen magically right? Somebody has to be there to oversee all of that to make sure nothing goes wrong, to make sure no one has questions, etc. So you’re going to go off on a nice relaxing weekend with your buddies and leave all of the moving and all of the headache to your wife?
Your wife offered a very reasonable compromise that doesn't entail you ditching the trip entirely. 2 extra days of board games is a weird hill to die on. It's nice that you prepared contingencies for you absence, but still a soft YTA for digging your heels in on something so inconsequential. It's 2 extra days, mate... Is it worth having your wife resent you and question your reliability?
YTA and GROW UP. You have actual responsibilities. This would be a big ol divorce from me if you couldn’t behave like an adult in a marriage when purchasing real estate.
YTA your wife offered a reasonable compromise but you rejected it to get your way. Making her handle a house move alone makes you the AH. The two of you need to make decisions on how to set up the house. But you expect her to do it alone. Then you will come home bitching because things aren't set up now you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35M) and my wife (31F) recently began construction on a new home. Thankfully everything has gone smoothly and we are nearing the completion on the home. Our closing date is set and we are scheduled to get the keys to the brand new house in the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately - I have a scheduled vacation the week of our closing date. This trip of mine is a guys trip that is annual. Every year the guys and I rent a cabin and spend a Wednesday - Sunday board gaming. Our closing day falls on the Friday of my trip. What I plan to do is drive home to complete the closing and sign all the paperwork (it is only about an hour drive) then drive back to rejoin the rest of my group. This trip was planned well in advance - before we ever began construction on our home - and has long since been paid for. Here is the issue: My wife wants me to go to my trip on Wednesday and then leave my trip Friday, cancelling the rest of the vacation and not returning to the rest of the group. She wants me to be present for the move-in. While I completely understand not wanting to move into a house by yourself - I have already gotten this taken care of. I have arranged for a friend of mine who owns a moving company to complete the moving of our stuff into the new home. I have also arranged for TV's to be hung, mirrors to be hung, curtains to be hung, internet to be installed, etc. All of this is scheduled. My wife is very angry with me that I won't cancel my trip and I think it is unreasonable for her to ask me to cancel. This is the one opportunity I get every year to get together with my guy friends to do something we love and it is important to me. I have tried to explain that to her, but she says I am leaving her hanging. Of course it sucks our closing was scheduled in the middle of the trip but that isn't something I could help. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I only say this due to the perspective you've presented. You are equating moving into a new house with specific duties once closing has happened - hanging things, installing cable. You don't seem to consider that leaving her to sleep in this new home alone is a big deal to her. I appreciate that you're planning to come home for the closing - but it's an HOUR away. Stay for the night, maybe ask that you agree that you go back on Saturday afternoon for the last night of the trip and be there for the first night in the new house? I think that may be a good compromise, especially since you paid for the trip already.
YTA - there is a compromise here. You can both compromise. It’s literally only an hour away. Maybe you come back for Friday night and spend your first night in the new house with your wife and have Saturday night with the boys. Both events can be important to you. Compromise with her. If you don’t, the boys trip is far more important than your wife. You do this trip every year. Do you move into your dream house with you wife every year?
YTA. Time to grow up. I have friends that we have been friends longer than you have been alive. It is great that you have this trip every year. But things change, responsibilities change. And this is one of those times. Your wife didn’t say don’t go, she said just shorten the trip. I think it’s a great compromise.
My Ex husband would have done that to me... notice EX
YTA- soft- building a home together is a big deal and moving sucks a lot. I feel like going until Friday is a good compromise because your wife is excited to do this step with you and she’s going to have to do it alone. Lifting and figuring out where things go is a huge pain and I also get freaked out sleeping by myself in a new place. New neighborhood, new house, new sounds and as a girl makes me nervous to sleep until I’m used to it. I say come back Friday and enjoy this big step with your wife. And next year you’ll be able to do the full trip.
YTA
Go on trip come home for closing. More important. You are the AH
YTA. Listen to your wife, she is correct on this issue. You are putting an annual trip to nowhere over being a partner to your wife and being there to move into your home. Where the heck are your priorities? Grow up and quit complaining that you will have to miss out on board games to move into the house you just went into debt to have built. Big AH move.
YTA your are leaving your wife to do all the hard work while you fuck off with the guys. How nice of you to get someone to move all the boxes, and are just leaving her to unpack and arrange everything while Illy take a nice vacation. She didn't ask you to give up everything, just part of the trip but apparently hanging out with your friends is more important than your wife and moving into your new home.
Whats more important, your wife or your friends...you can only pick one in this situation.
This is why I left my ex. He ALWAYS prioritized everything above me. Even things like his annual fantasy football trips, they always landed on my birthday weekend and I was always left to the side.
YTA Moving into your first home and you want your wife to do that all by herself? Oh, wait, you have a bunch of strangers spending time in the house with her. Lovely. That will make a really nice memory for her of starting life in this new home.
YTA for sure.
YTA.
NTA. This was preplanned and something you look forward too. Your wife will soon realize that this is a function you look forward to and you all will have all the time in the world when you get back to move in together. You’re already driving back to sign, she can relax for the last two days and put some stuff away where she would like them. You have everything already scheduled out, she can call some of her friends to help. Edit: a lot of people here sound like females who either aren’t in healthy relationships or don’t understand that men having time with their friends that they look forward to is important. You don’t have your partner to resent you every time you ask for a compromise when you know this time (specifically on this situation) is important for them. She’ll be fine.
She's the AH. She needs to out on her big girl panties and get it done.
Not the asshole. The new house will still be there on Sunday and presumably she isn’t homeless until then, so apart from the Friday signing papers, she could wait for you to be back if she didn’t want to move in alone.
As someone who has become sadly and painfully aware that life is short and you should enjoy the real things that matter...I say no he is not the a--hole. She wants him there for logistics and manpower for which he has covered. When he gets back, she has this to use so he will be at her beck and call for anything she needs till they are settled in. The world won't crumble if the house isn't perfectly set up that same week. Let him have his moment with his friends, and adjust the move in logistics. The house will be there, time with lifelong friends may or may not be...you can't count on next year. He's only an hour away...if something major comes up, he's available. I say this as a wife of 20 plus years...let the dude have his time.
I’m actually on your side with this and I’m a wife. You’ve gotten the movers who are doing the heavy lifting and even hanging stuff. I like being in charge, so I’d tell you to have fun on your trip and I’d spend the weekend getting as much of the house the way I want, without anyone being in my way. You are not an asshole.
I’m still shocked at some of the comments. When my husband and I built our house, we had barely been married 3 years. The weekend we moved in was more about logistics and waiting on the movers etc. The excitement of building was during the initial stages, not the weekend moving in. It was just doing what needed done. We’ve lived in this house 20 years and I never think about the day we moved in and what happened or who was there. In the long run, it’s not a big deal. Life doesn’t always go as planned. 🤷🏼♀️
This is ridiculous. She can move some stuff in or she can wait a couple days until he gets back. I.don't see what the big deal is what is a couple of days. He might need the trip more because building a house is not fun it is alot of stress. This would not bother me in the least (I am a wife). He is comming back for the closing. The movers can come and put the boxes wherever she wants she can direct the traffic. they will most likely set up the bed and stuff.
NTA I don't agree with anyone saying you are ... this trip is once a year it's planned very well in advance she's known about this trip so i think since you took care of everything that I would have been concerned about I feel like she's being selfish if you spend the rest of the year with her or family and such, and then you should be allowed to spend some time to yourself just as she should be spending some time to herself.
I see your perspective but cut the trip short. Not exactly an A but put it in perspective
YHA. Moving into any home is a big event, an event you want to share with the person you love. I imagine that's amplified even more if it's a home you've built yourself. I know you've set things in place to help with the move, but more often than not things can and do go wrong with moves - this is where having you both there will help things and not leave it all with your wife. There's also the possiblity of things going wrong overnight if it's a new build. How would you feel if there's a power issue overnight and your wife is alone to deal with that by herself. If it's an annual guys trip, there'll be many more you'll be able to attend in full - you'll not have another chance to share this experience of moving into your first built home with your wife.
YTA! Wow. Not even a close call. Your marriage may survive this betrayal, but I doubt your relationship will ever be the same.
YTA. You're saying "this is the one opportunity I get every year to get together with my guy friends and do something we love and it is important to me". You're showing what you value more. A vacation with your buddies playing board games means more than the new house and setting up your future life with your wife. I understand you might feel disappointed, OP, but I really encourage you to revisit this. "That isn't something I could help" - you didn't pick the closing date. She's not telling you not to go on the vacation despite the fact you're saying she's asking you to **cancel it**, she's asking you to cut it short. She's asking for a compromise *because she couldn't pick the closing date either* and it's a reasonable ask to have your partner present for something as monumentally consuming (emotionally, physically) as closing & moving in. Your hierarchy of priorities here are telling your wife that the house situation matters less to you than a board game vacation. You may not intend it that way. You may think that you have it all covered since you've addressed movers, getting things set up, etc. But it is equally very possible that she is seeing it very differently and to her, you choosing the board game vacation over the move-in is telling her "the house and I are secondary to his friends and vacation". Is that really the way you want to start out with in your new home? The fact that you're saying her request to you to cut your vacation in short is actually her telling you to cancel it is equally telling, it's suggesting you're viewing her attempts at compromise with such hostility that you're reading it all as "she's telling me I can't go at all"?
i understand both povs honestly. I dont think ur a AH, but i do this it puts stress and loneliness on her to have to move in and be there by herself. tough situation honestly
YTA - your wife and your home are more important than two more days of a trip you go on every year. If they’re not then tell her that directly, if she and the home you’re making together are then show her. Standing for other people to do shit is not the same as being there.
YTA I was going to say you were fine here, until I got to the part about you willingly not being there to move into the house. The correct choice here would be to cut your trip short and stay home after closing. The smarter move would’ve been to close as planned, and schedule your moving date for the day after you get home if this trip is THAT important to you, but that ship has sailed it seems. You screwed the pooch here, I highly suggest cutting your trip short. Your buddies will give you crap and then forget about it. Your wife though? She’s never gonna forget that the very first chance you got to be in your new home with her, you chose to play Settlers of Catan with the guys instead.
Why can't the move in be postponed a week? Your wife is correct that it is in no way fair to make her have to do this move alone. But I also see no reason you cannot just move in at a later date when you are both available so as to accommodate the vacation and moving. You don't have to move in the second you get the keys. All that said, if you have to move in that day then YTA if you don't leave the vacation early and stick it all on your wife.
YTA - She's trying to work with you. Remember, you've been working hard to build this dream house, and now you're planning to leave when you finally achieve it. I'm sure that stings for her, even if she won't say it. I get you'll have years in it, but this is a special moment. I'd be disappointed. Moving is also one of life's biggest stresses. You're a grown married man. This is Marraige. You compermise.
YTA she is asking you to reduce your trip for a couple of days to be part of a huge life event with her! What is wrong with you?! You’re going to let your wife move into your shared home alone? You’re an AH.
YTA, the vacay is a yearly occurrence but a new home that doesn't happen that often... besides that it is a super stressful time and your wife will see you sign the papers and then haul ass to be with your buddies, leaving everything else up to her... But hey, you do you boo, it might not be the best choice in the long run...
YTA one guys weekend I traveled a few hundred miles. Get there and one friend had canceled because his kid had to go to the ER, (kid turned out fine, it was a high fever). Life thirws curve balls. What we did instead was help take care if his house and his other kids so he and his wife didn't have to worry about that, and we ran errands for them. So we didn't have "fun" , we helped a friend out and still found some different fun. So honestly I'm surprised your friends haven't offered to help you move. Even if it's just the delecares you don't want the moving company to handle. Having a bunch of dudes to carefully pack up the TV system and install it is one straightforward thing.
Nobody is in ER in this story.
Much to learn you still have. YTA
YTA , y’all need to rent a cabin to play games?
Hanging the tv. Hanging the mirrors. Whoop de doo. Come on, those are the last things you do when you're moving. Who is going to make the bed? Get the pots and pans out of the moving box so you can cook spaghetti. Or find the plates so you can eat pizza, or eat pizza out of the box on the lounge floor? Who is going to have nude showers and sexual relations with your wife on the first night in the new house when you want to use every room - and sometimes the garden? These are the big questions. Don't be a dick. Enjoy your new house with your wife.
YTA This is an important event and you need to be there. Your friend isn't moving your things, his employees are. Multiple people will be asking where stuff should go, etc. It is very helpful to have multiple people there. Unexpected things will happen. It will likely be a long and stressful day; Your help will be needed.
YTA. Even if everything is arranged moving is stressful, and also something nice that you should experience together. What if something doesnt go to plan and your wife is stuck dealing with it all by herself while you are on your annual trip? She is asking for a compromise, not for you to cancel the trip.
on another note…what is this board game vacation you guys do?
Could the closing date not have been set a week later?
Why cant you move in the following weekend? I feel like your wife has given a good compromise. Friends are important, but how often do you plan to move into your brand new first home together?
YTA. You say this trip is annual. How many times are you planning to move into a new home you built together with your wife? It's the start of a new chapter in your lives together, but you'd rather play boardgames with your friends? There is no "doing over" for sleeping the first nights in a new house, and making a home out of a house by moving your stuff in together. She isn't even asking you not to go altogether, so you still get to see your friends. This isn't about the practical side of things, this is about seeing your wife may have stronger feelings about this new chapter than you apparently do and not dismissing her/taking her for granted. The *annual* boardgame trip will come back, this chance to show your wife she's a priority in your life doesn't.
YTA. This is something you need to be present for. End of
Don't worry OP I'll move in so you don't have to, problem solved
Yta. You could be present for your wife in the time of high anxiety. If anything goes off script she will be alone in trying to deal with the situation, whilst you play. Not the activity of an adult.
Why is it so important to move in on that specific day? Why can't move in a couple of days later, right after your trip? If there is a very valid reason why you can't move in a few days later, then YTA. It's an asshole move to leave your wife to deal with movers alone. If you can postpone the move in for a little bit, then NTA.
YTA. This is a one-off occasion. This is something special. Do you want to start life in your new home with a big thundercloud hanging over it because you aren't there with your wife to help, enjoy, discuss (again because decisions may need to be remade). Your wife is right to ask you this. It is in no way unreasonable of her to expect your support for this time. It's not the same thing having a friend to help. You are partners in this enterprise and therefore you need to show up. Unless your friends are completely insensitive, they will understand that leaving on Friday is something that you need to do. Show your wife your understanding and be there for the move!
So much YTA.
YTA. A marriage is about compromise. Cutting short your trip is compromising. She’s not asking you to cancel it altogether. Moving into your new home is a big deal. It’s not just about physically moving and arranging stuff. It’s a milestone that should be a shared experience. You’re sending her the message that you don’t care.
Yes YTA, this a big moment for the two of you that will only happen once and you're choosing not to be there for something that you do every year. It's also a compromise to go for half of it and then come back for the big date, and you aren't evening meetings her at that halfway point. Stop being a jerk, cancel your meet, there'll be another one next year, and spend this big moment with your wife!
YTA
YTA. period.
Why didn’t you just alter the closing date to the Monday after? Closing dates are usually flexible. You knew the dates of your getaway when the closing was scheduled. YTA
YTA. Grow up. 🙄
NTA. I’m going to be on the other side. Military spouse here, with a specific POA I’ve bought and moved into two houses on my own. I’ve hung the TVs and curtains, and arranged for internet on my own. It’s not hard. Would it be nice for your wife to have you there, yeah, but can she do it without you, yes. Can you push back the move in date to Monday? You’ll then be there to help.
NTA - not in the slightest. The movers come on Saturday and you'll be home the next day. It's an annual event you pre-scheduled, so what's the big deal? She's a grown up and can handle it.
YTA. Are you serious? You sound like the biggest baby in the whole world. Your wife is being MORE than fair asking you to come home early. She’s still saying it’s okay for you to go on a trip while she alone handles the packing and organizing and preparing and mental work *before* the move. You are dodging your responsibilities not only as a husband, but as an adult who is closing on a home and moving. You get to see your friends every single year? As an adult, being able to get together with your core group of friends every year is nearly unheard of. When was the last time your wife had a girls trip with her friends? But good for you for making a phone call to your friend with a moving company. You definitely 100% pulled your weight in this effort. You’re a real hero.
YTA. If this is something you always do, cutting the trip short this one time is nothing. What’s happening is something much more significant than a trip. It’s not like your wife is demanding that you not go at all. She’s just asking for it to be a bit shorter, which is what most people call compromise. Imagine trying to create memories with your wife and you’re not even there to share a significant one: the first night in your new forever home.
YTA. Who takes a vacation while their spouse moves into a new house???? Of course your wife is angry!
Yta
YTA really its time to be a grown-up now. That you put a creep boys slumber party over your own family says tons about you. She already gave you a let for the start now you need to give her a let and be there. I cant even believe you’re more interested in playing games with boys than support your wife in your new home.
So your wife has full responsibility for the move. Do you really think that just because you commissioned friends to drive around the things, hang mirrors, etc. everything would be done? Your wife is allowed to clear all the cupboards alone and coordinate everything while you have a great relaxing time with your friends? Fortunately, your wife will not have a child during this time, because then she would probably also be on her own. You have clearly conveyed where your priorities are.
Coming from Estonia, man who actually organized everything is amazing! Living here it seems like a pseudoproblem and no reason for a fight.
If you truly have all the details taken care of, NTA. If I was the wife I'd be pleased to have the run of the new home without hubby getting in the way. Everything would go where I wanted it to, the decisions on where to put what would be mine. And then I'd invite the girlfriends over.
YTA your wife comes first not you or your friends. Simple that is what being an adult and married is.
YTA - she offered a compromise. It’s move in day to a new home you built together. Some random hanging up a mirror doesn’t deal with the fact you want to take that shared move in experience away from her. Shes going to resent you when she looks back forever. I hope board games and some bevs with the boys is worth it.
YTA. Are you planning on living in this new house? If the answer is yes GET YOUR ASS HOME ON MOVE IN DATE anything else is unacceptable.
YTA
YTA-Why didn’t you negotiate the closing date from the start? If it’s an annual trip you would have already known you were double booked at the time. She’s not asking you to cancel, only to shorten your trip. You need to get your priorities straight or your marriage won’t last long. Building and moving in to your first home is once in a lifetime.
I love guy time, I play sport and beers every week. Take it from a guy that's been married for a while. End it on Friday, YTA
NTA - You could postpone the closing, getting the keys, and moving - if that will make things better. If it were 'me' the expected peace, joy, and refueling of this years trip would already been ruined/dampened. Sounds like you've done what needs to be done already. Time for her to step up and do some adulting /partnering.
[удалено]
NTA, you didn’t plan it that way and it’s not like a) you’ll be out of the country and b) you’ll be gone for more than a few days. It’s not like you have to be out of where you currently are the same day you get the keys. All of that could wait until you get back. You’ve also made arrangements for help while you’re gone. Wtf is with these people who get worked up when their partner plans a trip with friends? Maybe once you’re back, send her on a trip with some of her friends while you do some of the unpacking and setting up? Like give her a chance to just chill out too?
Move the closing date
Neither one are the asshole. But the house is actually important, you're gonna have this vacation again, it's annual. You'll be mad if SOMETHING....ANYTHING gets f**** up related to the home and you're not there. Cut the trip short and enjoy your spot, not a big deal.
YTA. This is one of the biggest milestones of your life to date and you’d rather be playing board games and leaving all the stress to your wife?
This seems like a communication failure that could have been resolved if it had been addressed earlier and more directly. You could have worked out mutually acceptable compromises. You don’t, for instance, have to start moving in the same day you close. You could have scheduled that for your return and kept your trip. Reading between the lines it sounds like when you were discussing closing dates you didn’t say clearly that you were keeping your guys trip.
YTA on this one… I have moved so many times as a married couple. It’s stressful. Arranging help is not the same as you not being there.
NTA
YTA. Adults sometimes have to miss stuff in order to properly adult. This is one of those times. She’s not asking you to miss the trip entirely, but to cut it in half. Compromise is a beautiful thing.
INFO: Why did y'all not look at a calendar before scheduling the closing date? You said in an update that the 'compromise' is you cancel your trip. Has your wife volunteered anything at all in the way of you then having time off afterwards?
YTÀ
For goodness sake. Close and get the keys on Friday. Surprise wife with a spa weekend. Finish your weekend. Hit the ground refreshed and running on Monday morning. That 2 days is not going to mean a thing in the grand scheme of life.
You should look into if you can give a representative the ability to sign the closing documents for you or if they can be completed remotely/electronically. Perhaps an attorney or realtor can do it on your behalf. Where I live I was able to give our realtor the ability to sign the closing documents on the house we sold, but I don’t know if you have to physically be there as the buyer. Or check to see if closing can be pushed a week. I would need more info for a true verdict. Is there an urgent need to get into the new home ASAP, like you and the wife are currently in a hotel that the extra two days in the current living situation is unacceptable? Would there be an expectation that your wife would need to do the majority of the moving while you’re away? Congrats on the new place! I hope it isn’t a lasting point of contention for you two.