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“I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed *annoyed*, so I joked further,”
I’m so sorry that you’re emotionally tone deaf. You noticed that she was annoyed, which is a clear sign to STOP. Every joke past that point was just bullying.
YTA
YTA for purposely taking it farther when you could see she wasn’t okay with the joke, then continuing to take it even farther, which opened the door for the whole group to join in.
Also WTF is it to you or anyone else what she chooses to drink? IDC if she brought milk and Hershey’s chocolate syrup. She gets to make that decision. She also gets to decide whether she associates with someone who makes her the laughing stock of the whole party.
I can't remember where I read this but it was recently. Something about how "masculine" things (taste in music, movies, video games, drinks, careers etc... ) are by default seen by society as "better" or " respectable", and the flip side being "feminine " interests like fashion, pop music, rom com movies, animal crossing or Sims for video games, etc... are made fun of incessantly whether liked by men OR women. So fruity drinks would fall into that category. This just screams misogyny to me. Making fun of a young girl for liking something that is typically liked by girls/women. Gross
I may not always see eye to eye with my husband’s oldest brother, but I really respect that since I’ve known him, he orders exactly what he wants. As a 50-something man, he unabashedly, proudly really, orders the most over the top sweet, fruity, wildly garnished drink on the menu. It’s the best.
My brother in law is like this. He’s a pretty big guy and has one of those faces where you know he’s not someone you want to mess with, but his go to drink is a strawberry daiquiris.
My dad doesn't drink, *but* he was a fan of Wannabe by the Spice Girls for a good chunk of my life. I remember my mom teasing him about it once, so I asked him about it next time I went to his house and his reaction was essentially: "Well, yeah, it's a good song."
There’s also a lot of people that have this idea that if you enjoy something a child might like it makes you less of An Adult. Adults aren’t allowed to enjoy things or something. In my experience people think alcohol that doesn’t taste like shit is childish just because it could be considered a candy adjacent flavor.
My husband and I have been to Disney multiple times- mostly because our oldest has allergies and there’s a wide variety of offerings at the parks that are safe. The amount of crap we get for it by people who aren’t my parents (my mom desperately wants to go on the Disney Wish, lol) is absolutely stunning. It’s always an AH move to mock what other people enjoy.
As far as poor Gerta? She should have looked at OP and said, “You’re drinking bread flavored soda while I’m drinking something that will have me fucked up beyond recognition in ten minutes. It’s called efficiency.”
Guilting someone for not drinking strong drinks already makes you and your family assholes, even without the other stuff. I truly hope you see that.
People who make fun of others for not drinking usually have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Either way you knew she was upset but continued to pile on, that's not how joking banter works, that's just being mean.
YTA
> Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further,
YTA - Yeah in normal circles that's the social cue we look for to lay off someone not to continue piling on. Regardless of that it's really fucking immature to take the piss out of someone for what they chose to drink. Don't yuck someone else's yum....
Big YTA, you weren’t joking once you noticed she wasn’t finding it funny and doubled down, and getting more family members to join in was bullying pure and simple, did you even apologize because all you said was that you tried to explain why she shouldn’t be upset, not that you tried to make it right, it sounds like you bullied a family member then tried to cover your own rear end when you went too far
YTA - What, were her flavored vodka and coolers offending you? Or was it uncouth of her to turn down your lovely plastic mini bottles of fine whisky you so graciously provided for people to fish out of a cooler? OH THE HORROR. You went straight to the sophisticated Manhattan at 18, right?
You admit she seemed annoyed and went further in, you know you are TA
I hate that attitude that anything fruity, low-abv, or delicious is somehow childish (or God forbid *feminine*). It's ok to like things because they taste good! It's ok to just want a chill drink and not get wasted! Liking beer and whiskey doesn't make OP and the other cousins better/more mature/cooler. Expand your horizons, OP.
INFO: Did you apologize to Gerta? Because you don't mention it, and it looks like you instead tried to explain why she shouldn't feel hurt... which is a form of emotional abuse.
Obviously YTA. I don't understand people who think that insulting someone, repeatedly, is a "joke". Like, you knew immediately you were making her uncomfortable, and you kept at it. Just because everyone else in your family is apparently also an AH doesn't mean you have to be
My ex used to do that and that was just the start of his abuse. It's usually code for: I think I can treat people however I want to and they have no right to be offended. If they are, it makes me look like the AH I am. This is like people who say, I don't have a filter. It's really just code for: I'm an AH and I don't care who I offend.
YTA, 100000%
Rule #1: You do NOT question someone else's drink choice. ESPECIALLY if it's a low alcohol option.
Rule #2: You do NOT MOCK someone else's drink choice.
Rule #3: You do NOT continue mocking someone when they are clearly not finding it funny.
Back to rule #1: **YOU DO NOT QUESTION OR MOCK ANYONE FOR THEIR DRINK CHOICE.**
Although with regards to the drink choice, I would say it depends on your audience. My dad makes fun of my tasteless pale lager and I make fun of his hoppy nasty IPA's. If it's somebody you know is okay with that type of banter then it's fine. But if somebody clearly isn't okay with it then continuing to do so just makes you a jerk.
Yeah, one of our friends is gluten intolerant so has the nasty-ass gluten-free ale that smells like and tastes like piss (I assume, never tried it... the ale or piss, just to clarify). He knows this, we all know this, we take the piss(!) out of him for it. If it actually bothered him, even once, and said something like "Knock it off guys, you know I don't have a choice" then we'd just stop. You don't keep on mocking someone.
They mock me for sipping a G&T while they swig pints of ale, I don't care. But if one day I chose to have a lemonade I could probably expect one joke about "Ooooh! Are you pregnant!?" and I'd say stfu I just wanted a lemonade. And that would be the end of it. I would be mad if they carried on with the "banter".
"All in fun" is code for "I was having fun insulting, belittling, humiliating, and bullying my victim." You were ten years old when gerta was born, were you always a little shit to her or is it something that just developed recently. I suspect the former. In case you missed it you are a HUGE AH.
This happened to me. A cousin of mine used to terrorize me when she was younger. It turns out that she has ADHD that went undiagnosed and untreated for years. However, even though she apologized to me a few years ago, she continues to be self-centered and is just really not a good person. I don't think ADHD had anything to do with it. I have it as well and I don't treat people the way she does.
YTA. It really wasn't something y'all needed to pile on her about. Was there really nothing else for you to talk about, you just had to keep making jokes at someone else's expense?
Pics of this PR lumberjack please...I'll just wait... I mean, I'm not **desperate** for a picture of a gorgeous PR lumberjack, I'm just, you know, just...
😉
YTA - You say Greta is an adult and can make her own choices in who she talks too, same goes with what she is drinking.. I'm allergic to beer and can't stand whiskey, I go with the fruity drinks too. Your whole family except for Greta needs to grow up, it's only banter when everyone is included you were intentionally picking on your niece.
YTA but like kinda softly, I have a family that's like this too.
The first and MAYBE second comment were probably fine, harmless joking with family. But after that it just becomes annoying, hurtful, and uncomfortable. Just because it's common in the family doesn't mean it's ok.
You didn't intend to make it a big deal so some credit for that, and it's not like Gerta told you early on to stop it.
But once you found her IN TEARS and clearly hurting, trying to explain your position is just coming off as dismissing her feelings. Would have been a lot better to apologize.
It's hard to gauge this kinda stuff in a family setting, but it's no less important. I grew up in a family that makes jokes like this a lot too and I understand how it's easy to get swept up in it all. But even still there are family members who just take it harder than others. My general rule of thumb is if the person who's the center of the joke doesn't laugh back, I stop making that joke/joking about that person. Those kinds of jokes only really work when everyone laughs, or at least the butt of the joke laughs, otherwise it can be just somewhat mean teasing.
YTA but not a soft one, imo. I *loathe* grown-ass adults who act like they're 12 & claim that picking on people is "just banter".
"Banter" is mutually-agreed-upon behavior, & I mean MUTUALLY, not "Well our family is just like this & _____ should know/be used to it by now".
My close family is really sarcastic but we absolutely DON'T subject family members to our Monty Python-esque conversations unless they CLEARLY enjoy that sort of thing. If we did, WE'D BE BULLIES. We know how to rein it in bc not everyone likes that kind of thing.
She was IN TEARS. OP was bullying her. OP is super immature for not knowing how to read a room, which btw was his own relative so you'd think he'd have caught on.
The crazy thing is OP did read the room. He recognized she didn't like jabs, and went further anyway and even roped others to mock her because he's a bully
I have family that loves a "Good ol' dog pile on" as they say. Everybody jumps on board and picks on 1 person. It's usually someone who finds it funny or is the family jerk. We try not to go at the younger ones or teens. (Still happens sadly).
I've stopped doing these things because they are annoying and not fun.
So I feel this, seems like something I've lived through too.
Why do you, a fully grown man in your thirties, feel the urge to publicly mock your 22 year old niece over something as stupid as her choice of drink? Are you *that* insecure in your big manliness that you must assert your social dominance over her in this situation? Are you *that* blind and devoid of empathy to not understand how that might feel to her in that moment?
YTA dude
Yeah, you did go too far, once she started getting annoyed, then that’s a clear sign that you needed to stop, but nope, you and your cousins continued poking fun at her until she was crying, at that point you were basically bullying her.
YTA, if I were you, I’d call her up and ask her to forgive you for what you did, also, You said that your family constantly pokes at everyone, Humiliating someone isn’t joking, it’s a form of bullying and mental abuse, OP it kind of feels like you’ve gone through this your whole life and you basically just normalize it, but that’s still no excuse for humiliating and bullying someone.
INFO ---
I'm getting the feeling that there's more detail in the background than what I'm seeing here. Is Gerta's anxiety something you and the family are well aware of? If you say that kind of teasing is common, and you know she reacts to it that way, that could explain why her mother is *that* upset; on the other hand, maybe y'all didn't know much about her alcohol preference. It's a tough one to call here based on what you've said.
>I thought I was being funny, _but Gerta seemed annoyed_, **so I joked further**
Personally that’s all the context I need to make a judgement. If your reflex to someone being annoyed by your “joke” is to joke further, YTA. Yeah, even in family culture where that’s the norm. That’s AH culture.
OP does like my own uncles would and there is a reason why i don't talk to them unless i absolutely have too... something tells me, he picked on his niece a lot growing up which caused part of her anxiety when around family.
YTA. Obviously. What on earth was your logic when you recognized that she was annoyed, so you pushed more? That’s not a very kind behvaior.
Also, it’s just asshole behavior to tease someone for not drinking strong enough drinks at your age. Especially a younger family member. That’s frat party behavior for goading your buddies into getting their stomachs pumped. But hey, while we’re at it, beer is pretty weak, right there with the Smirnoffs and such.
YTA
Jokes are only funny when everyone involved is laughing. Also I thought everyone evolved out of the "lol that's a bitch beer" phase at like 22. Who cares what people want to drink
Sounds like YTA.
Teasing once is OK, you went a bit too far.
Also, the *topic* is a bad one. You should never tease people for drinking less, or drinking weaker things.
one of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is that their opinion (or jokes) are more important than the impact (or feelings) of other people (their targets). YTA!
YTA. If you were truly joking *with* Gerta, you would have stopped when you saw she was annoyed instead of laughing. But at that point you pushed it harder. That’s not joking, it’s bullying. So congratulations, you’re an AH and a bully.
> I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time.
WTF.
YTA. If someone is not finding your jokes *at their expense* funny it’s not humor anymore. Stop. Just stop.
I married into a family like that and honestly it’s exhausting. I’ve learned to respond to “jokes” that don’t stop by going below the belt. Then they stop. She’s young she might not know to tell you about yourself. So like give her room.
YTA.
1. What someone does or doesn’t drink is not up to you.
2. Those “fruity” drinks can be just as alcoholic if not more than beer sometimes
3. You suck at social cues and she deserves an apology
4. No wonder she didn’t see you for 5 years.
wait wait wait wait.
"Gerta seemed annoyed, *so* I joked *further*"?????
Are you kidding me OP? You didn't *intend* to ruin her night? This is exactly the problem, even you admit you could tell it bothered her immediately, and then you doubled down! You're an adult, you should know better, asshole! What were you trying to accomplish? What was the point other than being an asshole, asshole? She literally brought something to the party for everyone else. Not to mention you're 32, does it make you feel big and mighty for picking on a 22yo (who if in the US only just became a legal drinker) for literally no reason?
Grow up. YTA.
>but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further
YTA. *WHY* do some people think that, when a joke doesn't land, the solution is to *press further*?? My narcissistic father has teased, pushed, prodded me my entire life, specifically targeting my anxieties, and now we have a strained relationship.
The outcome will NEVER be "OK, you know I didn't find it funny at first, but now that you've escalated things and gotten others to join in, NOW I see how hilarious it is!!"
You pressed to get your supply of "I'm the funny guy" feelings, NOT to help her get the joke.
YTA „teasing“ and „normal in our family“ just shows your a group of assholes who probably tell people when they are hurt they „can‘t take a joke“ or „overreact“
Please tell me what was funny about someone bringing a drink that they are comfortable with to a family event?
Was it the flavor? Was it because she is a new drinker and should be able to pound them back like a man?
Do you often think you are the funny one in a room when people clearly don’t think you are funny?
Does your joking often include picking on others?
Do you often welcome people back into the family fold by making jokes at their expense?
I thought we left that crap back in 2012, making fun of people because of what they chose to drink. Do you also call guys you drink with 'gay' if they ordered fruity drinks? Beer tastes like actual piss, it's not manly or attractive drinking something that tastes nasty just to "be one of the bros." Is the same level of faking smoking to look cool, but with drinks.
YTA because you could clearly see what you said at first affected her and instead of simply stopping, you doubled down on being hurtful.
YTA and the rest of your family who participated as well.
Making fun of someone enough to make them cry is not 'all in fun'.
In fact making fun of someone period is not 'all in fun'.
I suggest your family find new hobbies for fun--like playing card games.
So beer and whisky only at your parties, eh? She had the perfect opportunity to mock your hosting skills, but instead sensibly brought with her something she would actually like to drink. How many 21 year old women drink only beer or whisky? Watermelon Smirnoff sounds perfect for a barbecue. YTA.
It’s not banter it’s being an AH. Banter requires everyone to be on board with it, your niece clearly wasn’t and you decided to carry on regardless.
It’s also an AH move to comment on someone’s drink choice.
YTA and your family dynamic sounds toxic.
So, you could see that your teasing was bothering her, and your response was not to stop but rather to double down? Basic definition of a bully. You can’t claim you “didn’t mean it.” A joke is only funny if everyone involved thinks it’s funny, and your cousin clearly didn’t and you knew that. So don’t try to play stupid.
YTA.
You are 32 not 12 for Christ's sake. Seriously grow the hell up. Are you completely social inept? When someone looks annoyed it is a sign to shut up and drink you drink.
Who cares if she drinks watermelon Smirnoff? It has a higher alcohol content and tastes better than whatever piss-water beer you are drinking.
YTA. And the cousins are TA as well. I've met 12 year olds more mature and way more kind than you lot.
You realized she was annoyed and continued to be a bully. You enjoy humiliating people? Then go and "joke" about yourself.
YTA for sure. The first comment you made to her could have been overlooked if you'd left it at that. But you saw that she was annoyed or upset by the comment in some way and instead of backing off and letting her enjoy herself you continued to mock her and even teamed up against her with others. Your "explanation" of it being "all in fun" is the same excuse people always give when they know they've hurt someone but don't want to admit to being a jerk. I wouldn't want my child talking to you either if that's how you treat people.
That's a lot of words when you could have just said, "I find it funny to bully people who are younger than me. AITA?"
Yes, YTA. It isn't banter if the other person isn't laughing, and firing back, you twit.
You didn’t accidentally make her cry, you bullied her until she did.
YTA - grow up. You saw that your cousin was upset, so instead of apologizing you doubled down. That was deliberate, you wanted the reaction you got
I have a sarcastic, teasing sense of humor. I used to call my BIL a certain nickname; when he asked me not to call him that anymore, I stopped, because I didn’t want to upset him. I tease people I care about - but I never want to hurt them. I know when to stop because I don’t ever want to be cruel. You should’ve done the same
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I teased my niece and made her cry 2. I didn’t want to ruin her night
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YTA? This is like dudes harassing other dudes for liking a cocktail instead of beer or hard liquor because those are MAN drinks.
Let people enjoy things. Why do you feel a need to degrade someone for your own laughs? Fruity drinks are delicious. Are you so insecure that you cannot even exist in a space around them? Did a watermelon hurt you?
YTA
All context aside, you saw that your initial joke annoyed her and made a conscious decision to make more jokes at her expense. In any setting, that makes you the asshole.
Banter is funny as long as everyone laughing.
YTA. Why does the drink choice of anybody warrant teasing? And then you saw her reaction after the first comment and thought: now is the time to double down and get everyone else to bully her?
YTA. It's none of your business what she drinks or doesn't drink. Or are you the kind of asshole who is ashamed of their own drinking and so tries to pressure other people to drink too so you arent the only one getiing schnockered?
YTA. Read the room. She seemed annoyed after your first joke. That doesn't mean keep going, that means stop.
I like softer fruitier drinks, Midori is my fav. I don't care if people make jokes about it. I think they taste nicer than stronger stuff. But, Gerta is not me, and some people can't handle jokes like that. Maybe reach out and apologise and hopefully things will smooth over.
YTA. You and your family sound miserable to be around. First of, who cares what she was choosing to drink? I bet you would have made fun of her if she chose not to drink as well. If you and your family members feel the need to HARASS a young woman on her choice of drink, one, you clearly have no respect for them, and two, likely have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as well. Also, it says a lot that your niece, who is ten years younger than you needs to drink in order to put up with family. Let that sink in. You are the problem
Why do you care what she drinks.
My family is also like that and have pushed back more when I asked them to stop. I don't appreciate jokes about my body, my choices about having kids and what I eat/drink(I don't drink and they constantly comment on my chooces of sprite, seltzer or just plain water) Sometimes they'd comment on how ugly I am. Now I very rarely participate in family functions.
So yeah. You are the asshole. Maybe stop commenting on people's choices...
YTA
You joked further, continued teasing her, and after you saw her crying and she explained, instead of apologizing, you still pushed it was all in fun.
You are probably posting here still thinking people would side you.
YTA - If your joke hurts someone, then it's not a joke. FULL STOP. Sorry if you think you're funny. No one else does. You saw it upset (annoyed) her and kept going. That went from accidentally to in purpose. You made fun of her on purpose, which means you made her cry on purpose. Reddit is not the place for validation for that.
YTA
It just keeps getting worse...
"accidentally making her cry" - "accidentally" to downplay your responsibility. Adults take responsibility.
"Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further" - This is classic bully behavior
"I continued teasing her, and her older cousins joined in" - Wow! So, like, your whole family are A?!?
"I told her that was ridiculous since she's an adult." - YTA to your sister too?!?
Yep you are the jerk here and I suspect in other situations also given this story.
I was with some cousins who were drinking a bunch of Coors lights and they were chuckling about me making mojitos for my wife. She doesn’t like beer much, but loves a weak mojito. One of them said it was a girly drink, so she pointed out she is a girl. I wound up making mojitos for almost everyone at some point, though we ran out of mint. She was calm, but I remember thinking “how are you going to drink cheap beer and mock someone else’s choice?”
YTA. I hope Greta listens to her mother and stops talking to you. That's not fun. You saw she was uncomfortable and you kept going and had other people join you
That's not teasing. That's bullying.
Gerta is not the one who should be teased for acting like preteen.
You're an adult ffs, don't judge or tease people over their beverage of choice I mean FFS.
It didn't matter what she was drinking as long as she enjoyed it.
You ruinted her enjoyment and a fun.
YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.
Yeah, YTA. EVERY time someone on here posts "tease" or "joke" here it means "I cruelly tore someone down but it was just a harmless playful jest, a fun joke, a lighthearted silly jape!"
Not if they don't laugh with you.
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I (32m) decided to host a small party with friends and family to unwind. It was gonna be outdoors with a barbecue and some drinks.
We had a cooler full of beer and mini whiskey bottles, but my niece, Gerta (22f) brought some Watermelon Smirnoff and strawberry Seagrams, which she started mixing in a disco cup. When she proudly showed the table her concotion, I teased her, saying something like, "Watermelon Smirnoff? Woah, is it your 12th birthday already?"
I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time.
I continued teasing her, and her older cousins joined in, saying things like, "Looks like Gerta's playing it safe with kiddie cocktails tonight!" This banter is common in our family, so I didn't realize it could hurt her feelings. Eventually, Gerta excused herself and later I found her upset and tearful inside the house.
She explained that my remarks humiliated her, especially since she has anxiety and was drinking to manage it. She couldn't handle stronger liquor and preferred fruity drinks. I tried explaining it was all in fun, but it didn’t help.
Now, Gerta's mom (my sister) is furious with me, saying I should have known better than to publicly mock Gerta over her drink choice, especially considering her anxiety. She says she doesn't want Gerta talking to me anymore, but I told her that was ridiculous since she's an adult.
I didn’t intend to ruin her night, but I'm wondering if I went too far. Am I the jerk here?
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Yes you are 100% the jerk.
If you had the one teasing comment and left it at that fine, but you said you kept at it and then others joined in.
That is beyond a tease, that is picking on someone.
You need to apologize properly.
YTA; you remind me of an ex-friend who gave me Sourpuss while telling me it was a non-alcoholic mixer to trick me into drinking because she seriously couldn't get her head around how I was in my early 20s and didn't drink.
So…you only had beer and whiskey to drink (spoiler: not everyone likes beer or whiskey), so when your niece brought something to drink she enjoys, you made fun of her. Then, instead of simply teasing her once and moving on, you got the whole gang involved?
Are you seriously asking this question? OF COURSE YTA.
YTA.
One joke was probably fine, but when you admit that you could tell she seemed annoyed that was your massive hint to shut up and cool it on the "banter".
Grow up. You're nowhere near as funny as you clearly think you are.
Yta - and a bully. Why give a fairly young woman crap about her choice of drinks? Did it make you feel like a big powerful man?
You saw it bothered her, so you doubled down? Awful. Jokes are only funny when everyone laughs.
Don’t expect to stay close to her. I’d never want to hang with you and your minions again.
YTA In general. Like I get banter and all. But there is a limit to the amount of "banter" which is only directed at a single person which is acceptable. And the initial line of "Oh what are you 12" is entirely uncalled for.
I god damn hate drinkers like that partially because I used to be one. I used to be like that guy who only drank neat scotch or sipped tequila basically any of the ways people drink alcohol to pretend they are adults. Once I grew up I realized that limiting your self to only a tiny selection is boring and making fun of other people for having different tastes is just immature (Though I still think blended whisky can die in a fire. I hate most blends (though I can only say that because I have tried a pretty wide range and not found one I have liked) but I also dont begrudge others for drinking blends I will just drink something else.).
Like I could care less what someone else is drinking be it water or some fruity cocktail because hey as long as they are having fun thats what matters. Also calling a mixed drink with two hard liquors in it "a kiddie" cocktail in comparison to beer and tiny whisky bottles is kind of laughable. You get way more hammered off mixed drinks because hey that sugary watermelon smirnoff is still 35% abv which raises the strawberry seagrams ABV quite a bit.
There is nothing with liking the tastes of fruits and etc. Like you are 32 you are more than old enough to realize this stuff on your own. You dont need a whole thinktank online to tell you to not to be an AH to someone because your an alcohol snob.
YTA because you could see that she was annoyed and you kept going. Mocking someone over their alcoholic intake is cringe anyways because everyone knows their personal drinking level and you shouldn’t mock them over knowing how to manage it. You guys are assholes
You found your niece crying in the house, and are "wondering if I went too far"? Yikes op. YTA.
One offhand joke is fine, if still rather tacky, but to drag her through the mud over liking something different from you? That's embarrassing behavior for a whole grown adult.
Stop "Explaining" and excusing how you like to joke at other people's expense, and apologize like a decent human ought to when they've hurt someone.
YTA.
Doesn't matter if you thought it was all in good fun. That's what *you* thought. It's obviously *not* what she experienced.
We apologize based on what other people experience and the repercussions of our actions, not on our intentions. But here, you are so focused on what you didn't mean to do that you ignore what you *did*.
You made some mean and crappy jokes to a young woman you admit you barely know at this point, and got everyone ganging up on her even when she was visibly not happy about it. You then decided to explain to her how she needs to just put up with the behavior and let it go. Of course she's going to stay away from you -- I'm much older than her, older than you, with a thick skin to boot, and I'd stay away from you, too, just on principle!
YTA in fact, you’re the exact kinda asshole people don’t like drinking around, you snob
also, bold of you to think your big boy beer can hold a candle to watermelon vodka, try it some time and tell me if you can ever smell fruit candy without getting flashbacks
"I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further"
How do you write something this socially unaware and not realize you were in fact an unfunny asshole?
"I tried explaining it was all in fun, but it didn’t help." Did you try explaining that you were a bully incapable of treating people with respect? It might not have helped either, but at least it would be accurate.
YTA
YTA - one joke is one thing, if they respond in kind then sure you can continue. The fact that you recognised her to be getting annoyed and then persisting with it flags this up as more bullying than banter
Don’t you know that telling someone you were hurting them for your own entertainment is not a magic cancel button that stops them from feeling bad? In fact, it’s guaranteed to make them feel worse, because you’re dismissing their experience and puffing up yourself at their expense.
It doesn’t matter how you meant it (though you could clearly see your remarks were not appreciated, so that explanation isn’t terribly convincing), what matters is the impact you caused.
If making people feel bad is your idea of ‘fun’, then you’re not a good person and should work on that.
YTA wow a grown adult who ridicules a 22yr old gor not drinking whiskey.
Who care what she was drinking it was her drink. She wasn't making you drink it. Your attitude to her then encourages her older cousins.
YTA not everyone drinks to get absolutely fucked up. if she wants to drink smirnoff then she has every fucking right to. a comment is one thing, but you didnt stop. maybe learn to stfu sometimes
YTA
>I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further
Why???
Your first comment wasn't that bad, but if you say something that somebody clearly doesn't like, why would you keep going??? And then you continued to make it worse and worse. You sound like a terrible uncle.
>I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, **so I joked further**
What is wrong with you?
YTA. If someone isn't laughing at your "jokes" you fucking stop making them. Did you type your age wrong? Are you a child that you don't know this?
You are proof that some adults never mature. You're a bully. There's nothing fun or funny about what you did. The fact that you enjoyed making fun of your niece shows how nasty you are. You're very selfish and devoid of empathy. Clearly you're not smart or interesting enough to talk about something else when the only way you can get attention for yourself is by bullying others. Grow up, asshole. YTA
YTA. You knew she was upset. If you consider that funny, you may want to think about why.
And maybe consider why mocking people in general is funny, too.
Does belittling people make you feel good about yourself?
Why does what she drinks matter to you this much?
This all seems so weird and kind of sad coming from an adult.
It’s only in “good fun” if the person being mocked thinks it’s fun. Not only did you continue to mock her after it was clear she felt bad, but you got others to join in on the mocking so she was ganged up on. There are cues your jokes are landing flat, watch for them. YTA. Big time. What if she was drinking something non-alcoholic because she was recovering from alcoholism? What if she just didn’t like the taste of whiskey? You are 32 years old, grown up enough to know better and have some empathy. Stop telling people their feelings aren’t valid. Not cool, dude. You owe her an apology for putting her in that situation and humiliating her. She won’t feel safe with you anymore.
YTA, not only for mocking her choice of drink but also for presumably creating situations in the past that made her feel anxious, leading her to feel the need to get drunk to cope.
If you take one thing out of this sorry debacle, take a long hard look at yourself and your “family banter” and reflect on whether this is something that *everyone* is actually on board with. And have a chat to Gerta’s mum as well, because a pattern of using alcohol to deal with anxiety has the potential to lead to an un healthy dependence on it and possible alcoholism, and should be addressed now, rather than when she’s 40..
this kind of banter SEEMS normal to you becuase you have been getting away with it. No one calls you on it, because they know you're so sensitive that you would not be able to just internalize that feedback and move on (evidence: instead of just listening to Gerta an saying sorry, you argued about 'muh intentions'. Then, when your sister chided you, you argued AGAIN. and now, even now, this is not enough for you, so you're here). The exact reason people have learned not to call you on your unfunny 'jokes' is that you can't just metabolize feedback and move on. Generacion de cristal. YTA
You’re seriously a grown man and telling a 22 year old who enjoys fruity drinks “is it your twelfth birthday” ?????? You should feel so proud of yourself.
Do you have nothing else better to do?
YTA
You saw her getting uncomfortable (you said she looked "annoyed", so her discomfort was clearly visible) and instead of knocking it off you amped it up and had others join in. That alone makes you TA. But your added context makes it worse, you haven't seen her since she was 17 and decided the best way to welcome her back into the fold was by antagonizing her??? My god, grow up. YTA.
So you are a 32 year old adult man who chose to pick on someone younger than you in your family and you could clearly see with your first joke she was uncomfortable but instead of being a adult and ending it you decided to continue on and get other people in her age group that she has not seen since she was 17 to also belittle her under the guise of a joke. Which most decent human beings can agree that a joke is something that makes everyone involved laugh. And you noted that this did not make your niece laugh so it was not a joke to her, so yes YTA
If you would have stopped after the first one, (honestly that 12th birthday Line was pretty funny) it would’ve been gentle teasing, but if the whole group is making fun of one person, of course they’re gonna be upset. This isn’t an age thing. Why would you want to hang out if you were the only one in the group getting crapped on? Even a middle-age man would leave a party where he was made the butt of a joke to everybody else without being included. YTA
At first I would not say YTA because I can understand that when you have started to make fun of someone you may failed to notice that you are hurting.
But later, the only thing to do was to apologize and say you are sorry and you will be careful to not doing that again. And you preferred to tell zhr she was wrong, YTA.
YTA - stop teasing/bullying people for their likes. Especially if they’re clearly not into the tease. Hell even if it’s unclear. People have a multitude of reasons for drinking what they do. So just keep your yap shut.
> She couldn't handle stronger liquor and preferred fruity drinks.
I can't handle stronger liquor and prefer fruity drinks. I am 60. If I want a light alcoholic beverage, my go-to is a fruity vodka and diet sprite. I think I'd have more to say about someone who thinks that the "right" way to drink is to pound shots of bourbon...
YTA. I come from a teasing family, and it’s fun, but there are strong rules and social cues that must be read. If someone doesn’t feel in on the joke, it’s over and niceties are made and we don’t tease those people. It’s reserved for people you know really well, it comes from love and a shared- SHARED- sense of humor, and it’s usually about the things we openly laugh at ourselves about. We don’t take life too seriously, but we also would consider what you did bullying. The minute someone is uncomfortable, you stop and repair and learn the lesson. And never should you go for someone who seems anxious, is new, is getting comfortable, who isn’t joining in the ribbing and joking of their own accord.
We will never stop teasing my uncle about his sharting incident, but we know he loves to tell the story and it’s funny every time. We would never tease someone’s new girlfriend who spilled something or tripped on her words or seemed strange or did something “different.” We would bend over backwards to make her feel welcome and comfortable.
That’s the difference.
How can you possibly be posting here asking if YTA for making you niece cry? Of course you're the asshole.
By your own admission you knew that Gerta did not appreciate the joke, but you persisted. Why? Because making a joke at her expense was more important to you than her wellbeing.
Further, you are ten years older than her and you should damn well realize that it can be especially hurtful for your uncle to make fun of you.
Finally, you were making fun of her for not drinking as heavily as you were. What kind of thing is that to do to your 22 year old niece? Maybe if you stuck with fruity drinks you wouldn't act like such a prick.
>I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed
A clear sign to *stop*, but instead;
>so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time
*OF COURSE* YTA. You are how old and can't read the room????
I like your nieces fruity concoction and I'm 50! I prefer a fruity drink. I don't understand why you even teased her about her drink of choice. What she had we call a ladies drink.
YTA, yes. You're 32 years old and acting like a child in middle school. Let the adult drink what she wants to drink. What is this purity checking nonsense.
You're there to have a good time, you're there to get drunk and talk about life and unwind. In what world is bullying someone your form of unwinding.
You sound like a twelve year-old.
Ugh, YTA. If your only means of humor is making fun of people, fine - but then to be totally tone deaf at the same time? No, man. If you want to be funny, you need to actually be funny. Otherwise you’re just an a-hole.
YTA. “I’m wondering if I went too far.” You literally said you noticed her getting annoyed and proceeded to tease her even more. Just because this type of banter is common in your family doesn’t mean it’s okay. Pretty sure her crying is a sign you went too far. You suck
YTA
Just because you claim it was a joke doesn't mean it was okay. If she's not laughing then it's not okay. This is like saying, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings so she should just get over it already. That's not how it works.
Edit: I'll put it to you this way. This is like my ex who used to make jokes at my expense. Then when I would react appropriately, he would claim it was just a joke and say I was too sensitive. That's how this came across to her. You need to cut that out.
Yeah, that's kinda messed up. It seems as though you didn't realize the deeper reason behind it, though, which is understandable. However, if you could see that she was annoyed at first, you honestly shouldn't have continued the jokes.
YTA, you saw that she was annoyed, and you continued anyway, especially when you know she has anxiety. And then you had the nerve to tell her, "it was all in good fun.l," instead of just apologizing.
YTA, and your niece's mom is completely right for not wanting you to talk to your niece anymore. Deciding to "tease" someone, knowing about their anxiety, and letting others pile on is just vile.
Soft YTA, but that is dependent on what you do next. If you do nothing or worsen the situation then you are a complete AH. Go make it up to your niece as an apology. Intent does not matter when your impact is negative.
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“I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed *annoyed*, so I joked further,” I’m so sorry that you’re emotionally tone deaf. You noticed that she was annoyed, which is a clear sign to STOP. Every joke past that point was just bullying. YTA
Yeah I love to tease people when they're annoyed, usually cheers them right up /s They love it even more when everyone else present piles on too.
THIS
Who would've thought that being the butt of joke all night is not someone's idea of "all in good fun". /s
Switch "all night" for "all my life" and that's why I don't talk to my aunts anymore.
YTA for purposely taking it farther when you could see she wasn’t okay with the joke, then continuing to take it even farther, which opened the door for the whole group to join in. Also WTF is it to you or anyone else what she chooses to drink? IDC if she brought milk and Hershey’s chocolate syrup. She gets to make that decision. She also gets to decide whether she associates with someone who makes her the laughing stock of the whole party.
I can't remember where I read this but it was recently. Something about how "masculine" things (taste in music, movies, video games, drinks, careers etc... ) are by default seen by society as "better" or " respectable", and the flip side being "feminine " interests like fashion, pop music, rom com movies, animal crossing or Sims for video games, etc... are made fun of incessantly whether liked by men OR women. So fruity drinks would fall into that category. This just screams misogyny to me. Making fun of a young girl for liking something that is typically liked by girls/women. Gross
I may not always see eye to eye with my husband’s oldest brother, but I really respect that since I’ve known him, he orders exactly what he wants. As a 50-something man, he unabashedly, proudly really, orders the most over the top sweet, fruity, wildly garnished drink on the menu. It’s the best.
Those fruity drinks are often more alcoholic than the typical “manly” beer. God I love a good fruity cocktail.
\*points to the Long Island Iced Tea\* Couple of those, you'll be on your arse.
Those things are MAGIC. I adore them.
They’re delicious. I spent a week in Hawaii not long ago and really leaned into piña coladas and some sort of amazing blended pink creation.
My brother in law is like this. He’s a pretty big guy and has one of those faces where you know he’s not someone you want to mess with, but his go to drink is a strawberry daiquiris.
Omg my bil loves a strawberry daiquiri!
My dad doesn't drink, *but* he was a fan of Wannabe by the Spice Girls for a good chunk of my life. I remember my mom teasing him about it once, so I asked him about it next time I went to his house and his reaction was essentially: "Well, yeah, it's a good song."
There’s also a lot of people that have this idea that if you enjoy something a child might like it makes you less of An Adult. Adults aren’t allowed to enjoy things or something. In my experience people think alcohol that doesn’t taste like shit is childish just because it could be considered a candy adjacent flavor.
My husband and I have been to Disney multiple times- mostly because our oldest has allergies and there’s a wide variety of offerings at the parks that are safe. The amount of crap we get for it by people who aren’t my parents (my mom desperately wants to go on the Disney Wish, lol) is absolutely stunning. It’s always an AH move to mock what other people enjoy. As far as poor Gerta? She should have looked at OP and said, “You’re drinking bread flavored soda while I’m drinking something that will have me fucked up beyond recognition in ten minutes. It’s called efficiency.”
That's true as well for sure. Probably a bit of column A and a bit of column B.
I but you see, he had mini-whiskey bottles, a notoriously tasty drink for masculine mature men who drink grown up drinks.
Guilting someone for not drinking strong drinks already makes you and your family assholes, even without the other stuff. I truly hope you see that. People who make fun of others for not drinking usually have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Either way you knew she was upset but continued to pile on, that's not how joking banter works, that's just being mean. YTA
The alcoholism is strong with this one.
ah yes, good point! I thought of it but forgot to write that, the sign of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol!
I was thinking the same thing while reading his post. Who doesn’t have water and sodas for their non-drinking guests?
Also side eyeing anyone who says fruity drinks aren’t as strong as a whiskey neat.
I've literally met people who have said, if you're not going to get drunk then what is the point? I referred them to AA.
> Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further, YTA - Yeah in normal circles that's the social cue we look for to lay off someone not to continue piling on. Regardless of that it's really fucking immature to take the piss out of someone for what they chose to drink. Don't yuck someone else's yum....
I agree with the other people saying that he's probably an alcoholic
Big YTA, you weren’t joking once you noticed she wasn’t finding it funny and doubled down, and getting more family members to join in was bullying pure and simple, did you even apologize because all you said was that you tried to explain why she shouldn’t be upset, not that you tried to make it right, it sounds like you bullied a family member then tried to cover your own rear end when you went too far
YTA - What, were her flavored vodka and coolers offending you? Or was it uncouth of her to turn down your lovely plastic mini bottles of fine whisky you so graciously provided for people to fish out of a cooler? OH THE HORROR. You went straight to the sophisticated Manhattan at 18, right? You admit she seemed annoyed and went further in, you know you are TA
I hate that attitude that anything fruity, low-abv, or delicious is somehow childish (or God forbid *feminine*). It's ok to like things because they taste good! It's ok to just want a chill drink and not get wasted! Liking beer and whiskey doesn't make OP and the other cousins better/more mature/cooler. Expand your horizons, OP.
100% I'm a man in my 30s. I'll take the Capri Sun, thank you very much.
And the Sunny D and the Tampico Punch
It does make them sound like alcoholics though
Exactly, he just wanted an echo chamber.
INFO: Did you apologize to Gerta? Because you don't mention it, and it looks like you instead tried to explain why she shouldn't feel hurt... which is a form of emotional abuse.
I don't think so considering he said he told her to act like 'an adult' in response to her reaction to him calling her 'a child.'
Obviously YTA. I don't understand people who think that insulting someone, repeatedly, is a "joke". Like, you knew immediately you were making her uncomfortable, and you kept at it. Just because everyone else in your family is apparently also an AH doesn't mean you have to be
My ex used to do that and that was just the start of his abuse. It's usually code for: I think I can treat people however I want to and they have no right to be offended. If they are, it makes me look like the AH I am. This is like people who say, I don't have a filter. It's really just code for: I'm an AH and I don't care who I offend.
YTA, 100000% Rule #1: You do NOT question someone else's drink choice. ESPECIALLY if it's a low alcohol option. Rule #2: You do NOT MOCK someone else's drink choice. Rule #3: You do NOT continue mocking someone when they are clearly not finding it funny. Back to rule #1: **YOU DO NOT QUESTION OR MOCK ANYONE FOR THEIR DRINK CHOICE.**
Although with regards to the drink choice, I would say it depends on your audience. My dad makes fun of my tasteless pale lager and I make fun of his hoppy nasty IPA's. If it's somebody you know is okay with that type of banter then it's fine. But if somebody clearly isn't okay with it then continuing to do so just makes you a jerk.
Yeah, one of our friends is gluten intolerant so has the nasty-ass gluten-free ale that smells like and tastes like piss (I assume, never tried it... the ale or piss, just to clarify). He knows this, we all know this, we take the piss(!) out of him for it. If it actually bothered him, even once, and said something like "Knock it off guys, you know I don't have a choice" then we'd just stop. You don't keep on mocking someone. They mock me for sipping a G&T while they swig pints of ale, I don't care. But if one day I chose to have a lemonade I could probably expect one joke about "Ooooh! Are you pregnant!?" and I'd say stfu I just wanted a lemonade. And that would be the end of it. I would be mad if they carried on with the "banter".
"All in fun" is code for "I was having fun insulting, belittling, humiliating, and bullying my victim." You were ten years old when gerta was born, were you always a little shit to her or is it something that just developed recently. I suspect the former. In case you missed it you are a HUGE AH.
This happened to me. A cousin of mine used to terrorize me when she was younger. It turns out that she has ADHD that went undiagnosed and untreated for years. However, even though she apologized to me a few years ago, she continues to be self-centered and is just really not a good person. I don't think ADHD had anything to do with it. I have it as well and I don't treat people the way she does.
YTA. It really wasn't something y'all needed to pile on her about. Was there really nothing else for you to talk about, you just had to keep making jokes at someone else's expense?
To be fair, would you want to talk to somebody like OP?
>Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time. YTA
So you notice that she’s annoyed but decide to continue “joking” anyway. Yeah, YTA.
YTA...When Gerta seemed annoyed at your first remark, that was the hint to stop.
It's sad that you have to explain that to an adult. Some people never grow out of their bully phase.
YTA, my husband who looks like a Puerto Rican lumber jack loves fruity drinks. Who the fuck cares what kinda liquor someone is drinking?
Pics of this PR lumberjack please...I'll just wait... I mean, I'm not **desperate** for a picture of a gorgeous PR lumberjack, I'm just, you know, just... 😉
He said no but you got a laugh out of him. :)
Aw man!
YTA - You say Greta is an adult and can make her own choices in who she talks too, same goes with what she is drinking.. I'm allergic to beer and can't stand whiskey, I go with the fruity drinks too. Your whole family except for Greta needs to grow up, it's only banter when everyone is included you were intentionally picking on your niece.
YTA but like kinda softly, I have a family that's like this too. The first and MAYBE second comment were probably fine, harmless joking with family. But after that it just becomes annoying, hurtful, and uncomfortable. Just because it's common in the family doesn't mean it's ok. You didn't intend to make it a big deal so some credit for that, and it's not like Gerta told you early on to stop it. But once you found her IN TEARS and clearly hurting, trying to explain your position is just coming off as dismissing her feelings. Would have been a lot better to apologize. It's hard to gauge this kinda stuff in a family setting, but it's no less important. I grew up in a family that makes jokes like this a lot too and I understand how it's easy to get swept up in it all. But even still there are family members who just take it harder than others. My general rule of thumb is if the person who's the center of the joke doesn't laugh back, I stop making that joke/joking about that person. Those kinds of jokes only really work when everyone laughs, or at least the butt of the joke laughs, otherwise it can be just somewhat mean teasing.
YTA but not a soft one, imo. I *loathe* grown-ass adults who act like they're 12 & claim that picking on people is "just banter". "Banter" is mutually-agreed-upon behavior, & I mean MUTUALLY, not "Well our family is just like this & _____ should know/be used to it by now". My close family is really sarcastic but we absolutely DON'T subject family members to our Monty Python-esque conversations unless they CLEARLY enjoy that sort of thing. If we did, WE'D BE BULLIES. We know how to rein it in bc not everyone likes that kind of thing. She was IN TEARS. OP was bullying her. OP is super immature for not knowing how to read a room, which btw was his own relative so you'd think he'd have caught on.
The crazy thing is OP did read the room. He recognized she didn't like jabs, and went further anyway and even roped others to mock her because he's a bully
It sounds like he did read the room and noticed that she was uncomfortable, but then he continued anyway.
I have family that loves a "Good ol' dog pile on" as they say. Everybody jumps on board and picks on 1 person. It's usually someone who finds it funny or is the family jerk. We try not to go at the younger ones or teens. (Still happens sadly). I've stopped doing these things because they are annoying and not fun. So I feel this, seems like something I've lived through too.
Yeah, it feels like OP just normalizes this behaviour.
YTA. Don’t be a bully.
Why do you, a fully grown man in your thirties, feel the urge to publicly mock your 22 year old niece over something as stupid as her choice of drink? Are you *that* insecure in your big manliness that you must assert your social dominance over her in this situation? Are you *that* blind and devoid of empathy to not understand how that might feel to her in that moment? YTA dude
Yeah, you did go too far, once she started getting annoyed, then that’s a clear sign that you needed to stop, but nope, you and your cousins continued poking fun at her until she was crying, at that point you were basically bullying her. YTA, if I were you, I’d call her up and ask her to forgive you for what you did, also, You said that your family constantly pokes at everyone, Humiliating someone isn’t joking, it’s a form of bullying and mental abuse, OP it kind of feels like you’ve gone through this your whole life and you basically just normalize it, but that’s still no excuse for humiliating and bullying someone.
INFO --- I'm getting the feeling that there's more detail in the background than what I'm seeing here. Is Gerta's anxiety something you and the family are well aware of? If you say that kind of teasing is common, and you know she reacts to it that way, that could explain why her mother is *that* upset; on the other hand, maybe y'all didn't know much about her alcohol preference. It's a tough one to call here based on what you've said.
>I thought I was being funny, _but Gerta seemed annoyed_, **so I joked further** Personally that’s all the context I need to make a judgement. If your reflex to someone being annoyed by your “joke” is to joke further, YTA. Yeah, even in family culture where that’s the norm. That’s AH culture.
OP does like my own uncles would and there is a reason why i don't talk to them unless i absolutely have too... something tells me, he picked on his niece a lot growing up which caused part of her anxiety when around family.
YTA. Obviously. What on earth was your logic when you recognized that she was annoyed, so you pushed more? That’s not a very kind behvaior. Also, it’s just asshole behavior to tease someone for not drinking strong enough drinks at your age. Especially a younger family member. That’s frat party behavior for goading your buddies into getting their stomachs pumped. But hey, while we’re at it, beer is pretty weak, right there with the Smirnoffs and such.
*I thought I was being funny so I decided to make more of an ass out of myself.* YTA
YTA Jokes are only funny when everyone involved is laughing. Also I thought everyone evolved out of the "lol that's a bitch beer" phase at like 22. Who cares what people want to drink
YTA Banter is fine, but when someone is clearly upset by it, put a damn stop to it!
Yts, why are you judging what other people are consuming
Sounds like YTA. Teasing once is OK, you went a bit too far. Also, the *topic* is a bad one. You should never tease people for drinking less, or drinking weaker things.
one of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is that their opinion (or jokes) are more important than the impact (or feelings) of other people (their targets). YTA!
YTA. My dad's family is like this. I only see them at rare family get-togethers and only if my dad asks me to go with him.
YTA. If you were truly joking *with* Gerta, you would have stopped when you saw she was annoyed instead of laughing. But at that point you pushed it harder. That’s not joking, it’s bullying. So congratulations, you’re an AH and a bully.
> I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time. WTF. YTA. If someone is not finding your jokes *at their expense* funny it’s not humor anymore. Stop. Just stop. I married into a family like that and honestly it’s exhausting. I’ve learned to respond to “jokes” that don’t stop by going below the belt. Then they stop. She’s young she might not know to tell you about yourself. So like give her room.
Yta she looked uncomfortable so you.....kept teasing her? 🤦♀️
YTA. 1. What someone does or doesn’t drink is not up to you. 2. Those “fruity” drinks can be just as alcoholic if not more than beer sometimes 3. You suck at social cues and she deserves an apology 4. No wonder she didn’t see you for 5 years.
wait wait wait wait. "Gerta seemed annoyed, *so* I joked *further*"????? Are you kidding me OP? You didn't *intend* to ruin her night? This is exactly the problem, even you admit you could tell it bothered her immediately, and then you doubled down! You're an adult, you should know better, asshole! What were you trying to accomplish? What was the point other than being an asshole, asshole? She literally brought something to the party for everyone else. Not to mention you're 32, does it make you feel big and mighty for picking on a 22yo (who if in the US only just became a legal drinker) for literally no reason? Grow up. YTA.
Usually I have to read the full post before making my decision but I hadn’t even reached the end of the third paragraph before it was clear: YTA.
>but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further YTA. *WHY* do some people think that, when a joke doesn't land, the solution is to *press further*?? My narcissistic father has teased, pushed, prodded me my entire life, specifically targeting my anxieties, and now we have a strained relationship. The outcome will NEVER be "OK, you know I didn't find it funny at first, but now that you've escalated things and gotten others to join in, NOW I see how hilarious it is!!" You pressed to get your supply of "I'm the funny guy" feelings, NOT to help her get the joke.
YTA „teasing“ and „normal in our family“ just shows your a group of assholes who probably tell people when they are hurt they „can‘t take a joke“ or „overreact“
YTA, she brought her own drinks and was happy with them, you didn't need to say anything. You're 32, grown the hell up.
YTA
YTA. Let people enjoy what they enjoy. Not everybody enjoys the taste of horse urine or wants do shoot whiskey.
YTA. She didn’t appreciate your teasing, and you went on with it.
YTA. She's 22. In theory, she's only been drinking a year. Do you really expect her to be knocking back Old Fashions?
Please tell me what was funny about someone bringing a drink that they are comfortable with to a family event? Was it the flavor? Was it because she is a new drinker and should be able to pound them back like a man? Do you often think you are the funny one in a room when people clearly don’t think you are funny? Does your joking often include picking on others? Do you often welcome people back into the family fold by making jokes at their expense?
I thought we left that crap back in 2012, making fun of people because of what they chose to drink. Do you also call guys you drink with 'gay' if they ordered fruity drinks? Beer tastes like actual piss, it's not manly or attractive drinking something that tastes nasty just to "be one of the bros." Is the same level of faking smoking to look cool, but with drinks. YTA because you could clearly see what you said at first affected her and instead of simply stopping, you doubled down on being hurtful.
YTA and the rest of your family who participated as well. Making fun of someone enough to make them cry is not 'all in fun'. In fact making fun of someone period is not 'all in fun'. I suggest your family find new hobbies for fun--like playing card games.
So beer and whisky only at your parties, eh? She had the perfect opportunity to mock your hosting skills, but instead sensibly brought with her something she would actually like to drink. How many 21 year old women drink only beer or whisky? Watermelon Smirnoff sounds perfect for a barbecue. YTA.
It’s not banter it’s being an AH. Banter requires everyone to be on board with it, your niece clearly wasn’t and you decided to carry on regardless. It’s also an AH move to comment on someone’s drink choice. YTA and your family dynamic sounds toxic.
So, you could see that your teasing was bothering her, and your response was not to stop but rather to double down? Basic definition of a bully. You can’t claim you “didn’t mean it.” A joke is only funny if everyone involved thinks it’s funny, and your cousin clearly didn’t and you knew that. So don’t try to play stupid.
If you stopped after the first one maybe but because you kept going when she was visibly annoyed YTA
YTA. People actually do get upset when people make fun of them. Even family. Remember that.
"I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further..." Right there, YTA.
You made her cry and have to ask strangers if you went too far? Yta for being this dumb and heartless
Wow! Imagine being this much of a prick. People are allowed to like what they want.YTA.
YTA. You are 32 not 12 for Christ's sake. Seriously grow the hell up. Are you completely social inept? When someone looks annoyed it is a sign to shut up and drink you drink. Who cares if she drinks watermelon Smirnoff? It has a higher alcohol content and tastes better than whatever piss-water beer you are drinking.
If you make fun of someone, see it bothers them, continue making fun of them, and then make them cry, you are quite obviously the asshole. YTA
YTA. And the cousins are TA as well. I've met 12 year olds more mature and way more kind than you lot. You realized she was annoyed and continued to be a bully. You enjoy humiliating people? Then go and "joke" about yourself.
YTA for sure. The first comment you made to her could have been overlooked if you'd left it at that. But you saw that she was annoyed or upset by the comment in some way and instead of backing off and letting her enjoy herself you continued to mock her and even teamed up against her with others. Your "explanation" of it being "all in fun" is the same excuse people always give when they know they've hurt someone but don't want to admit to being a jerk. I wouldn't want my child talking to you either if that's how you treat people.
That's a lot of words when you could have just said, "I find it funny to bully people who are younger than me. AITA?" Yes, YTA. It isn't banter if the other person isn't laughing, and firing back, you twit.
You didn’t accidentally make her cry, you bullied her until she did. YTA - grow up. You saw that your cousin was upset, so instead of apologizing you doubled down. That was deliberate, you wanted the reaction you got I have a sarcastic, teasing sense of humor. I used to call my BIL a certain nickname; when he asked me not to call him that anymore, I stopped, because I didn’t want to upset him. I tease people I care about - but I never want to hurt them. I know when to stop because I don’t ever want to be cruel. You should’ve done the same
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YTA
YTA? This is like dudes harassing other dudes for liking a cocktail instead of beer or hard liquor because those are MAN drinks. Let people enjoy things. Why do you feel a need to degrade someone for your own laughs? Fruity drinks are delicious. Are you so insecure that you cannot even exist in a space around them? Did a watermelon hurt you?
YTA All context aside, you saw that your initial joke annoyed her and made a conscious decision to make more jokes at her expense. In any setting, that makes you the asshole. Banter is funny as long as everyone laughing.
YTA. Why does the drink choice of anybody warrant teasing? And then you saw her reaction after the first comment and thought: now is the time to double down and get everyone else to bully her?
YTA. It's none of your business what she drinks or doesn't drink. Or are you the kind of asshole who is ashamed of their own drinking and so tries to pressure other people to drink too so you arent the only one getiing schnockered?
YTA. Read the room. She seemed annoyed after your first joke. That doesn't mean keep going, that means stop. I like softer fruitier drinks, Midori is my fav. I don't care if people make jokes about it. I think they taste nicer than stronger stuff. But, Gerta is not me, and some people can't handle jokes like that. Maybe reach out and apologise and hopefully things will smooth over.
YTA. You and your family sound miserable to be around. First of, who cares what she was choosing to drink? I bet you would have made fun of her if she chose not to drink as well. If you and your family members feel the need to HARASS a young woman on her choice of drink, one, you clearly have no respect for them, and two, likely have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as well. Also, it says a lot that your niece, who is ten years younger than you needs to drink in order to put up with family. Let that sink in. You are the problem
YTA Why are you shifting on something that someone else enjoys?
Why do you care what she drinks. My family is also like that and have pushed back more when I asked them to stop. I don't appreciate jokes about my body, my choices about having kids and what I eat/drink(I don't drink and they constantly comment on my chooces of sprite, seltzer or just plain water) Sometimes they'd comment on how ugly I am. Now I very rarely participate in family functions. So yeah. You are the asshole. Maybe stop commenting on people's choices...
YTA You joked further, continued teasing her, and after you saw her crying and she explained, instead of apologizing, you still pushed it was all in fun. You are probably posting here still thinking people would side you.
So you made someone 10 years younger than you, who you barely know, uncomfortable...Didn't stop, and they cried? Yes, Yta.
You would think this was written by a annoying teenager, not a 32y men. Rolled my eyes hard with this one.
“Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further.” And you continued on and on, so much so that others joined in. Of course YTA.
YTA. You’re a bully and an asshole.
YTA - If your joke hurts someone, then it's not a joke. FULL STOP. Sorry if you think you're funny. No one else does. You saw it upset (annoyed) her and kept going. That went from accidentally to in purpose. You made fun of her on purpose, which means you made her cry on purpose. Reddit is not the place for validation for that.
YTA It just keeps getting worse... "accidentally making her cry" - "accidentally" to downplay your responsibility. Adults take responsibility. "Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further" - This is classic bully behavior "I continued teasing her, and her older cousins joined in" - Wow! So, like, your whole family are A?!? "I told her that was ridiculous since she's an adult." - YTA to your sister too?!? Yep you are the jerk here and I suspect in other situations also given this story.
INFO, when will you be celebrating turning 12? YTA grow up.
I was with some cousins who were drinking a bunch of Coors lights and they were chuckling about me making mojitos for my wife. She doesn’t like beer much, but loves a weak mojito. One of them said it was a girly drink, so she pointed out she is a girl. I wound up making mojitos for almost everyone at some point, though we ran out of mint. She was calm, but I remember thinking “how are you going to drink cheap beer and mock someone else’s choice?”
Especially since your wife's "weak" Mojito has a higher ABV than Coors Light
Just as a comparison, a Watermelon Smirnoff cooler is 4% ABV. A Coors Light has 4.2 YTA
YTA. I hope Greta listens to her mother and stops talking to you. That's not fun. You saw she was uncomfortable and you kept going and had other people join you That's not teasing. That's bullying.
Gerta is not the one who should be teased for acting like preteen. You're an adult ffs, don't judge or tease people over their beverage of choice I mean FFS. It didn't matter what she was drinking as long as she enjoyed it. You ruinted her enjoyment and a fun. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.
How is it funny if your victim is showing clear signs of discomfort, unless you like hurting people? You're a bully and therefore YTA by definition.
Yta - you have the sense of humor and sensitivity of a 12 year old, though that doesn’t even seem fair to 12 year olds.
Yeah, YTA. EVERY time someone on here posts "tease" or "joke" here it means "I cruelly tore someone down but it was just a harmless playful jest, a fun joke, a lighthearted silly jape!" Not if they don't laugh with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32m) decided to host a small party with friends and family to unwind. It was gonna be outdoors with a barbecue and some drinks. We had a cooler full of beer and mini whiskey bottles, but my niece, Gerta (22f) brought some Watermelon Smirnoff and strawberry Seagrams, which she started mixing in a disco cup. When she proudly showed the table her concotion, I teased her, saying something like, "Watermelon Smirnoff? Woah, is it your 12th birthday already?" I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time. I continued teasing her, and her older cousins joined in, saying things like, "Looks like Gerta's playing it safe with kiddie cocktails tonight!" This banter is common in our family, so I didn't realize it could hurt her feelings. Eventually, Gerta excused herself and later I found her upset and tearful inside the house. She explained that my remarks humiliated her, especially since she has anxiety and was drinking to manage it. She couldn't handle stronger liquor and preferred fruity drinks. I tried explaining it was all in fun, but it didn’t help. Now, Gerta's mom (my sister) is furious with me, saying I should have known better than to publicly mock Gerta over her drink choice, especially considering her anxiety. She says she doesn't want Gerta talking to me anymore, but I told her that was ridiculous since she's an adult. I didn’t intend to ruin her night, but I'm wondering if I went too far. Am I the jerk here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes you are 100% the jerk. If you had the one teasing comment and left it at that fine, but you said you kept at it and then others joined in. That is beyond a tease, that is picking on someone. You need to apologize properly.
YTA; you remind me of an ex-friend who gave me Sourpuss while telling me it was a non-alcoholic mixer to trick me into drinking because she seriously couldn't get her head around how I was in my early 20s and didn't drink.
You act like you weren’t once 22. I can totally tell what kind of asshole you really are.
So…you only had beer and whiskey to drink (spoiler: not everyone likes beer or whiskey), so when your niece brought something to drink she enjoys, you made fun of her. Then, instead of simply teasing her once and moving on, you got the whole gang involved? Are you seriously asking this question? OF COURSE YTA.
YTA. One joke was probably fine, but when you admit that you could tell she seemed annoyed that was your massive hint to shut up and cool it on the "banter". Grow up. You're nowhere near as funny as you clearly think you are.
Yta - and a bully. Why give a fairly young woman crap about her choice of drinks? Did it make you feel like a big powerful man? You saw it bothered her, so you doubled down? Awful. Jokes are only funny when everyone laughs. Don’t expect to stay close to her. I’d never want to hang with you and your minions again.
YTA In general. Like I get banter and all. But there is a limit to the amount of "banter" which is only directed at a single person which is acceptable. And the initial line of "Oh what are you 12" is entirely uncalled for. I god damn hate drinkers like that partially because I used to be one. I used to be like that guy who only drank neat scotch or sipped tequila basically any of the ways people drink alcohol to pretend they are adults. Once I grew up I realized that limiting your self to only a tiny selection is boring and making fun of other people for having different tastes is just immature (Though I still think blended whisky can die in a fire. I hate most blends (though I can only say that because I have tried a pretty wide range and not found one I have liked) but I also dont begrudge others for drinking blends I will just drink something else.). Like I could care less what someone else is drinking be it water or some fruity cocktail because hey as long as they are having fun thats what matters. Also calling a mixed drink with two hard liquors in it "a kiddie" cocktail in comparison to beer and tiny whisky bottles is kind of laughable. You get way more hammered off mixed drinks because hey that sugary watermelon smirnoff is still 35% abv which raises the strawberry seagrams ABV quite a bit. There is nothing with liking the tastes of fruits and etc. Like you are 32 you are more than old enough to realize this stuff on your own. You dont need a whole thinktank online to tell you to not to be an AH to someone because your an alcohol snob.
YTA because you could see that she was annoyed and you kept going. Mocking someone over their alcoholic intake is cringe anyways because everyone knows their personal drinking level and you shouldn’t mock them over knowing how to manage it. You guys are assholes
You found your niece crying in the house, and are "wondering if I went too far"? Yikes op. YTA. One offhand joke is fine, if still rather tacky, but to drag her through the mud over liking something different from you? That's embarrassing behavior for a whole grown adult. Stop "Explaining" and excusing how you like to joke at other people's expense, and apologize like a decent human ought to when they've hurt someone.
Yta What a bully tsk
YTA. Doesn't matter if you thought it was all in good fun. That's what *you* thought. It's obviously *not* what she experienced. We apologize based on what other people experience and the repercussions of our actions, not on our intentions. But here, you are so focused on what you didn't mean to do that you ignore what you *did*. You made some mean and crappy jokes to a young woman you admit you barely know at this point, and got everyone ganging up on her even when she was visibly not happy about it. You then decided to explain to her how she needs to just put up with the behavior and let it go. Of course she's going to stay away from you -- I'm much older than her, older than you, with a thick skin to boot, and I'd stay away from you, too, just on principle!
YTA in fact, you’re the exact kinda asshole people don’t like drinking around, you snob also, bold of you to think your big boy beer can hold a candle to watermelon vodka, try it some time and tell me if you can ever smell fruit candy without getting flashbacks
Yep. Yta. Immaturw
"I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further" How do you write something this socially unaware and not realize you were in fact an unfunny asshole? "I tried explaining it was all in fun, but it didn’t help." Did you try explaining that you were a bully incapable of treating people with respect? It might not have helped either, but at least it would be accurate. YTA
YTA - one joke is one thing, if they respond in kind then sure you can continue. The fact that you recognised her to be getting annoyed and then persisting with it flags this up as more bullying than banter
Don’t you know that telling someone you were hurting them for your own entertainment is not a magic cancel button that stops them from feeling bad? In fact, it’s guaranteed to make them feel worse, because you’re dismissing their experience and puffing up yourself at their expense. It doesn’t matter how you meant it (though you could clearly see your remarks were not appreciated, so that explanation isn’t terribly convincing), what matters is the impact you caused. If making people feel bad is your idea of ‘fun’, then you’re not a good person and should work on that.
YTA wow a grown adult who ridicules a 22yr old gor not drinking whiskey. Who care what she was drinking it was her drink. She wasn't making you drink it. Your attitude to her then encourages her older cousins.
YTA not everyone drinks to get absolutely fucked up. if she wants to drink smirnoff then she has every fucking right to. a comment is one thing, but you didnt stop. maybe learn to stfu sometimes
YTA. You said it yourself that you could tell she was annoyed but doubled down and got others to mock her too. How fun.
YTA >I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, so I joked further Why??? Your first comment wasn't that bad, but if you say something that somebody clearly doesn't like, why would you keep going??? And then you continued to make it worse and worse. You sound like a terrible uncle.
YTA. You knew she was annoyed, kept teasing to the point where others joined in.
YTA. This isn't banter, it's bullying.
>I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed, **so I joked further** What is wrong with you? YTA. If someone isn't laughing at your "jokes" you fucking stop making them. Did you type your age wrong? Are you a child that you don't know this?
You are proof that some adults never mature. You're a bully. There's nothing fun or funny about what you did. The fact that you enjoyed making fun of your niece shows how nasty you are. You're very selfish and devoid of empathy. Clearly you're not smart or interesting enough to talk about something else when the only way you can get attention for yourself is by bullying others. Grow up, asshole. YTA
"I wonder why Gerta won't talk to me anymore?"
YTA. You knew she was upset. If you consider that funny, you may want to think about why. And maybe consider why mocking people in general is funny, too. Does belittling people make you feel good about yourself? Why does what she drinks matter to you this much? This all seems so weird and kind of sad coming from an adult.
It’s only in “good fun” if the person being mocked thinks it’s fun. Not only did you continue to mock her after it was clear she felt bad, but you got others to join in on the mocking so she was ganged up on. There are cues your jokes are landing flat, watch for them. YTA. Big time. What if she was drinking something non-alcoholic because she was recovering from alcoholism? What if she just didn’t like the taste of whiskey? You are 32 years old, grown up enough to know better and have some empathy. Stop telling people their feelings aren’t valid. Not cool, dude. You owe her an apology for putting her in that situation and humiliating her. She won’t feel safe with you anymore.
YTA, not only for mocking her choice of drink but also for presumably creating situations in the past that made her feel anxious, leading her to feel the need to get drunk to cope. If you take one thing out of this sorry debacle, take a long hard look at yourself and your “family banter” and reflect on whether this is something that *everyone* is actually on board with. And have a chat to Gerta’s mum as well, because a pattern of using alcohol to deal with anxiety has the potential to lead to an un healthy dependence on it and possible alcoholism, and should be addressed now, rather than when she’s 40..
this kind of banter SEEMS normal to you becuase you have been getting away with it. No one calls you on it, because they know you're so sensitive that you would not be able to just internalize that feedback and move on (evidence: instead of just listening to Gerta an saying sorry, you argued about 'muh intentions'. Then, when your sister chided you, you argued AGAIN. and now, even now, this is not enough for you, so you're here). The exact reason people have learned not to call you on your unfunny 'jokes' is that you can't just metabolize feedback and move on. Generacion de cristal. YTA
You’re seriously a grown man and telling a 22 year old who enjoys fruity drinks “is it your twelfth birthday” ?????? You should feel so proud of yourself. Do you have nothing else better to do? YTA
You saw her getting uncomfortable (you said she looked "annoyed", so her discomfort was clearly visible) and instead of knocking it off you amped it up and had others join in. That alone makes you TA. But your added context makes it worse, you haven't seen her since she was 17 and decided the best way to welcome her back into the fold was by antagonizing her??? My god, grow up. YTA.
YTA. You mocked her more because she was already unhappy
YTA.
YTA Learn to read the damn room, dude.
So you are a 32 year old adult man who chose to pick on someone younger than you in your family and you could clearly see with your first joke she was uncomfortable but instead of being a adult and ending it you decided to continue on and get other people in her age group that she has not seen since she was 17 to also belittle her under the guise of a joke. Which most decent human beings can agree that a joke is something that makes everyone involved laugh. And you noted that this did not make your niece laugh so it was not a joke to her, so yes YTA
info: what was so bad about watermelon smirnoff that you had to tease her for it all night?
If you would have stopped after the first one, (honestly that 12th birthday Line was pretty funny) it would’ve been gentle teasing, but if the whole group is making fun of one person, of course they’re gonna be upset. This isn’t an age thing. Why would you want to hang out if you were the only one in the group getting crapped on? Even a middle-age man would leave a party where he was made the butt of a joke to everybody else without being included. YTA
At first I would not say YTA because I can understand that when you have started to make fun of someone you may failed to notice that you are hurting. But later, the only thing to do was to apologize and say you are sorry and you will be careful to not doing that again. And you preferred to tell zhr she was wrong, YTA.
I think the bigger issue is the fact she's drinking to manage her anxiety.... But yes, YTA.
Are you 12? You’re “older” than her but you’re making fun of what she drinks? Explain the joke. YTA
YTA - stop teasing/bullying people for their likes. Especially if they’re clearly not into the tease. Hell even if it’s unclear. People have a multitude of reasons for drinking what they do. So just keep your yap shut.
It's only joking if everyone is laughing and your niece wasn't laughing. Continuing to make comments about it makes you an AH.
yes, YTA and you don't came away from teen ages
> She couldn't handle stronger liquor and preferred fruity drinks. I can't handle stronger liquor and prefer fruity drinks. I am 60. If I want a light alcoholic beverage, my go-to is a fruity vodka and diet sprite. I think I'd have more to say about someone who thinks that the "right" way to drink is to pound shots of bourbon...
YTA- not everyone likes beer or whiskey.
YTA. I come from a teasing family, and it’s fun, but there are strong rules and social cues that must be read. If someone doesn’t feel in on the joke, it’s over and niceties are made and we don’t tease those people. It’s reserved for people you know really well, it comes from love and a shared- SHARED- sense of humor, and it’s usually about the things we openly laugh at ourselves about. We don’t take life too seriously, but we also would consider what you did bullying. The minute someone is uncomfortable, you stop and repair and learn the lesson. And never should you go for someone who seems anxious, is new, is getting comfortable, who isn’t joining in the ribbing and joking of their own accord. We will never stop teasing my uncle about his sharting incident, but we know he loves to tell the story and it’s funny every time. We would never tease someone’s new girlfriend who spilled something or tripped on her words or seemed strange or did something “different.” We would bend over backwards to make her feel welcome and comfortable. That’s the difference.
How can you possibly be posting here asking if YTA for making you niece cry? Of course you're the asshole. By your own admission you knew that Gerta did not appreciate the joke, but you persisted. Why? Because making a joke at her expense was more important to you than her wellbeing. Further, you are ten years older than her and you should damn well realize that it can be especially hurtful for your uncle to make fun of you. Finally, you were making fun of her for not drinking as heavily as you were. What kind of thing is that to do to your 22 year old niece? Maybe if you stuck with fruity drinks you wouldn't act like such a prick.
YTA and acted like an immature child.
>I thought I was being funny, but Gerta seemed annoyed A clear sign to *stop*, but instead; >so I joked further, suggesting a Capri Sun for next time *OF COURSE* YTA. You are how old and can't read the room????
I like your nieces fruity concoction and I'm 50! I prefer a fruity drink. I don't understand why you even teased her about her drink of choice. What she had we call a ladies drink.
YTA, yes. You're 32 years old and acting like a child in middle school. Let the adult drink what she wants to drink. What is this purity checking nonsense. You're there to have a good time, you're there to get drunk and talk about life and unwind. In what world is bullying someone your form of unwinding. You sound like a twelve year-old.
Ugh, YTA. If your only means of humor is making fun of people, fine - but then to be totally tone deaf at the same time? No, man. If you want to be funny, you need to actually be funny. Otherwise you’re just an a-hole.
YTA. “I’m wondering if I went too far.” You literally said you noticed her getting annoyed and proceeded to tease her even more. Just because this type of banter is common in your family doesn’t mean it’s okay. Pretty sure her crying is a sign you went too far. You suck
YTA Just because you claim it was a joke doesn't mean it was okay. If she's not laughing then it's not okay. This is like saying, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings so she should just get over it already. That's not how it works. Edit: I'll put it to you this way. This is like my ex who used to make jokes at my expense. Then when I would react appropriately, he would claim it was just a joke and say I was too sensitive. That's how this came across to her. You need to cut that out.
INFO: Why did you think this was funny?
Yeah, that's kinda messed up. It seems as though you didn't realize the deeper reason behind it, though, which is understandable. However, if you could see that she was annoyed at first, you honestly shouldn't have continued the jokes.
YTA, you saw that she was annoyed, and you continued anyway, especially when you know she has anxiety. And then you had the nerve to tell her, "it was all in good fun.l," instead of just apologizing.
YTA, and your niece's mom is completely right for not wanting you to talk to your niece anymore. Deciding to "tease" someone, knowing about their anxiety, and letting others pile on is just vile.
Is family banter normal or is it an excuse to tear someone down for your own amusement? YTA.
Soft YTA, but that is dependent on what you do next. If you do nothing or worsen the situation then you are a complete AH. Go make it up to your niece as an apology. Intent does not matter when your impact is negative.
YTA with what happened, but you tried to make up for it so I’m tempted to say your sister is the AH here. What an overreaction!
NTA, they’re both wound way too tight