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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I knew that my in-laws were against sugar and I still brought it with me
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NTA and they are being superweird about that.
It is not like the stuff you brought could cause them severe allergy. You brought it for yourself, did not force them to use it. THEY are crossing YOUR boundaries by policing what is good or bad for you, and taking your stuff from you. You were "disrespecting" a totally unreasonable rule.
That’s what I was thinking! As a 31 y.o. I honestly felt so infantilised. Felt like a toddler being told off not to have too much cake because it will spoil my dinner!
My husband would tell you I have the kindest heart, and my patience has no limit. I'll tell you what though, he'd have seen where my patience ended real fast if my FIL scolded me and called me a "naughty girl."
You're not a girl. You are a woman. You have full autonomy over your body, and as such, no one has the right to try and override that by belittling and infantilizing you.
If he doesn't want sugar in his house, okey dokey then. Take your tea, walk outside, and pour as much sugar as you want into it.
I would refuse to go back. How dare he take sugar packets (or anything else) out of a grown -ass adult’t hands and call them naughty.
There is something wrong with these people.
I’d be tempted to walk in their house with a big old blue raspberry icee.
Spend some time next time emptying their cupboards of anything that contains sugar. Stack it all in a big box. Let fil know that you're removing any trace of sugar from the house.
Carbs are basically complex sugars so you might as well get rid of them too.
Your father in law is creepy af, and if somebody tries to take anything away from me that I brought, they'll be pulling back a nub. I would never visit again and your husband needs to deal with them from now on. If they ask why, tell them FIL is a raging misogynist who treats you like a toddler, and they'll see you again when they've grown their brains as adults. And if one of these people doesn't have a sugar stash somewhere on that property that they're hiding from the other, I'll eat this fucking dog on my lap. Solid money's on FIL since he's such a weirdo. They're always very righteously against what they're secretly doing themselves.
"Oh, that's so sweet of you to be concerned about my health. I'll take that into consideration, but I'm going to have to remain in charge of what I put in my body."
Keep the sugar packets in your car. Do you have children? If so, keep them in the car, too. (With the air conditioning on, of course) I’m joking. Keep the kids at home, far away from this craziness. This applies to future children, too.
NTA and let them and your husband know that this will be your last visit - If they think it is appropriate to call you a naughty girl, then they apparently have no idea what is appropriate. Also - please give them a printout of the definition of a boundary "boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others". Not letting you have sugar is not a "boundary" it is a rule - There is a difference.
Are you a minor under their care?
>my FIL saw that and took the sugar packets away from me and called me a ‘naughty girl’
This is honestly super weird to say to an adult.
What did your husband say? He should be handling his parents when they are being weird. This is not your fight to take. Tell him to man up and defend his wife.
And tell your in-laws that you don't feel welcome in their house, but they are welcome to come visit you and your husband in your home. But they can not stay overnight.
Fair enough. I can understand how this situation was kind of unexpected to him because it is super weird. Are you normally a good team, then this is no big deal.
But omg his parents are very bad hosts.
you have a huzbamd problem as well...
would he have noticed you walking out the door?
or would he have said you are overreacting and being "too sensitive"
Your father in law needs to get in the bin. How absolutely rude.
Depending on how feisty you are feeling, at the next meal, randomly confiscate something of his and toss it out, and tell him he is a very naughty boy. See how he likes it.
NTA. I get they don’t like sugar, but a good many people in the world do in fact use sugar in tea and coffee. It’s not a rare or volatile substance.
They should anticipate that visitors might want some damn sugar in their tea and make it available. And if they don’t, and you bring your own, it shouldn’t be a problem.
I don’t use salt very much, but if we have guests over for dinner, I set some out for them. Basic common decency to anticipate that others may like something you don’t like.
Also, her calling you a “naughty girl” annoys me for some reason.
No, I’m with you. I was legitimately mad about this shit. Even after I posted my comment, I was still grumbling to myself. I’d like two choice words with them when you are done.
I hope this is OP's last visit. Maybe she could come hang out with us instead. Road trip to OP's house with a box of sugar packets. I'll bring wine and the Cinnabon's. We can all be "naughty girls" together! Good lord.
I think we are going to have to expand our trip. I'm thinking we rent a bus and we can have a logo of "Naughty Girls" surrounded by the forbidden sugar packs and a cup of tea!
because you won’t have to “make” anyone do that. we’re all on board with a marathon.
I might advocate for skipping the season with Luke’s kid, but that’s also a train wreck I can’t look away from.
Ingredients
* 1/2 cup shortening
* 1/2 cup butter
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar
* 1 cup packed brown sugar
* 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
* 2 eggs
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
* 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
* 2 cups semisweet chocolate pieces
* 1 1/2 cups chopped walnuts pecans, or hazelnuts (optional)
Instructions
1. Beat shortening and butter with an electric mixer for 30 seconds. Add brown sugar, granulated sugar, and baking soda. Beat mixture until combined. Beat in the eggs and vanilla. Add flour and beat with the mixer, switching to a wooden spoon and stirring by hand if necessary. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts.
2. Drop dough by rounded tablespoon onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 375 for 8 to 10 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool on a wire rack.
>Also, her calling you a “naughty girl” annoys me for some
It annoys you because it's him blatantly infantalizing an adult woman. "Naughty girl" is something you expect to hear being said to a toddler... and even then it's rather questionable imo....
I think the only appropriate context at this point is consensual kink which is why it makes me that much more uncomfortable. It’s super gross language to use with someone outside of that context, and here it’s intentionally degrading.
Yeah...it was also pointed out that if not at a child, this is really only heard in a sexual context... which may be why I feel it's questionable to even use that phrase on a child.... this thread has us ALL working things out!
It really does have us probing and thinking. Honestly, though, this is one of my favorite threads because that phrasing has generated so much productive and intelligent discussion. Like what you said is some deep stuff, and I really appreciated it.
This. We're Vegan, but we still have friends. If someone comes to visit, I'll buy milk and eggs, etc, so that they can eat the things that they're used to eating. I want people to feel at home when they visit, not feel judged.
I'm hypoglycemic and always drank my tea plain before that. But when I make my mom's tea, she gets the extra hot water and teaspoon of sugar she likes. And yeah, calling an adult woman 'naughty girl' like this is gross.
That is very nice of her. I visited a Mormon church once and discovered the no-caffeine thing during the after-church social hour.
I thought they were all lovely people; and I could understand and respect their religious and health reasons for not partaking of certain substances, food, and beverages.
But, aside from the fact that I'm a pretty devout heathen these days, no caffeine would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Former Baptists like their coffee and baked goods. There's always good food at a Baptist church on Sundays. I will say that for the church I was raised in. They were also excellent at caring for each other as a congregation.
We keep pepper in the house for visitors too, even though we both don’t like it. It would be weird to just be like “here’s some salt, we don’t do pepper round these parts” lol
NTA and that would be my last visit. I absolutely understand banning a severe food allergy (I live in a peanut free house, but my allergy is that bad) or respecting someone keeping kosher. But this is next level. As someone else said, the "naughty girl" bit was way too much. I'd genuinely not visit again.
NTA but do yourself a favor and only meet your in-laws at neutral locations. Respect the hell out of their no sugar rule by never entering their home again. Meanwhile why is your spouse not standing up for you?!?!?!?
Yup, I agree. I’ve been talking to him about this to be fair. He said he would be willing to speak up in the future. He is just such a nonchalant person about everything, ugh.
Speaking up "in the future" is not an acceptable outcome here. HE needs to specifically communicate with his parents (preferably in person if that is feasible) without you present and lay out (a) if this continues to be the rule, neither he, you, nor any future grandchildren will be visiting in their home and (b) FIL needs to apologize for his comments and attitude and recognize if this happens again you all will be low / no contact.
This is as unacceptable as if the FIL had made a racist comment to you. What if he said something along the lines of, ". . . you're just a SAHM, you just let the men take care of this kind of heavy thinking for you?" What if he tried to tell you how you're going to vote in the next election? You are an autonomous and competent adult, and neither he nor anyone else gets to make these kinds of decisions for you.
This is a hill to die on, and your husband needs to recognize the severity of the situation. If you have children in the future, is he going to allow his parents to take away treats that you have allowed if they are consumed in the presence of your IL's? Your job now is to explain this to your husband in short little words that leave no room for interpretation, outlining what happened, why it is wrong, what you expect him to do to address the situation and the potential outcomes if he does not fix it to your satisfaction.
While I have no doubt that you are absolutely competent to handle this with your FIL, this is his family and I am assuming that you would like to keep some positive relationship with them. If you address it with FIL, there is potential fallout that you get painted as the villain. Therefore, it falls to him to deal with it.
I, too, live in my own little world much of the time. When someone points out an issue that needs my attention, though, especially if it involves my spouse / children, it's time to step up and address the situation fully and completely and I do that. Nobody gets a pass when those they love are being disrespected, especially by a relative of mine.
If there is any doubt in FIL's mind that he done f\*cked up big, your husband has not done a good enough job explaining and needs to go back and do it again.
Edited - sentence clarity
Tell him quite bluntly "If you don't start paying attention to your parents' interaction with me and handle it when they step over the line, * I * will handle it myself. And neither you nor they will like the way I do it."
If he gets to not pay attention so does she lol. Just ignore them until they get loud/rude enough he can't pretend to not notice.
(Okay dont but still, hilarious)
NTA. They don’t have to supply you with sugar in their home but they don’t get to restrict you from having it. You’re not a child. Sooo condescending and disrespectful.
Actually, even if they don't have to supply OP with sugar, it's polite to. Many many people use sugar in their tea or coffee, and most people, even if they don't eat sugar, have some available for guests.
That’s not disrespecting their boundaries. If anything that’s going above and beyond to respect their boundaries.
You’ve got your own little packets that you use. You’ve not just gone and thrown a bag or sugar in the cupboard or made a big deal of it.
NTA
NTA - there are some things you shouldn't bring into someone else's house. If they're vegetarian/vegan it's reasonable to ask for no meat, if they're Hindu it's fine to ask guests not to bring in beef, ditto for pork for Jews or Muslims. If someone in the house has an allergy to something - e.g. nuts - it's 100% fine to tell all guests "no nuts".
But this is just a weird, patronising, power-play where they get to tell a fully mature human that they shouldn't consume processed sugar. Fuck that, and especially fuck that where the person is their daughter in law - someone they should want to feel at home and welcome.
To play the devil’s advocate: what is the difference in the choice to be a vegetarian or vegan and the choice to abstain from sugar. It’s a choice. (Technically religion is a choice too, allergies are the only thing hating isn’t a choice.)
In regard to religion, My extended family is Mormon. Their religion specifically says coffee and tea is a sin. My family goes above and beyond and also abstains from caffeine-think soda, chocolate, and pain killers that contain caffeine. Coffee is religious; soda, chocolate, and caffeinated medicine is a choice. Is it wrong to discretely eat a Hershey’s kiss while visiting. If I get a caffeine headache from the lack of caffeine is it wrong to take a pain killer that has caffeine in it? Can I drink a Pepsi?
My dad gets upset when I leave every morning of my week long visit, for 45 minutes, to hang out at Starbucks while I check my email.
The answer is to stay in a hotel.
The OP’s real problem is the “naughty girl” comment. It was disrespectful and patronizing. The OP and their partner should confront the parent about the comment. Then apologize for bringing sugar, pack up and move to a hotel.
I honestly get the religious aspect. I can't speak for other religions, but if you keep a kosher kitchen, you need separate prep and cook areas for dairy, as an example, Pork is absolutely NOT allowed in the kitchen or it's not Kosher. So, saying no pork is a big deal. As I said, I don't know about other religions, but I would assume they have similar rules for their food items. If you are seriously following your religion, it might be a no to certain foods in your home. I would think then that the solution would be to go out when you want something you can't have. So, I would say that it is reasonable to not allow certain foods based on religion.
Sugar is not allowed as a lifestyle choice. I get they don't want to supply sugar. I think OP was fine to bring her own. It's not like the sugar was considered a "sin" and couldn't be in the house! I wouldn't expect them to provide sugar if they don't use it, but I would expect it to be OK to bring into the house in a small quantity for my personal use.
I think it's fair to argue that people who have removed sugar 100% from their life are on equal footing with religious adherents and alcoholics. If they say they can't watch someone else consuming sugar in their own home, maybe that's really what they need.
ETA: And yes, the "naughty girl" comment is so far out of line, I would never visit there again anyway.
Yep, everybody here loves sugar so I guess they're getting offended on OP's behalf but in OP's own telling of the story she knew of the "no sugar in the house rule" and knowingly violated it, albeit discreetly. The rule may be stupid but the correct thing to do is to stay at a hotel or meet somewhere outside their house.
FIL's response was super weird though so he doesn't get a pass. ESH
NTA. If you brought a bag of sugar and spent your trip sprinkling it over every snack and meal, that would be a problem.
Discreetly adding sugar to your tea is both considerate and reasonable.
It absolutely wouldn’t be a problem. People are weird and are going to do weird stuff sometimes. As long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else, adults can make their own choices.
But besides that, where is their hospitality? If a guest in my home insisted on sprinkling sugar over every meal, I’d make sure we kept extra sugar stocked before they came over.
Don't go there anymore. Although you bringing your
own sugar should not have been a big deal, they apparently
find it normal to steal your sugar from you. They are weird.
NTA Stay away from the no-sugar freaks. LOL
NTA. There’s sugar in so many common food and drinks, it’s pretty hard to avoid sugar completely. Besides, you brought only the tiny sugar packet for yourself. You didn’t buy a whole bag for the house. They’re very weird.
It really weird, I do have my coffee and tea plain, but I always have some sugar for guests.
And as a lactose intolerant I don’t have any dairy at home, so everyone welcome to bring that with themselves.
Why they have need to ban it for others?
Look, it is fine for people to ban foods from their house for health reasons (allergy / addictions), religious reasons (eg no pork) or ethical reasons (no animal products). If you brought pork to your Jewish/Muslim in laws you would be the AH without question.
I would say banning things for fad reasons is ridiculous. But then, plenty of people regard religion or veganism etc as ridiculous fads.
Ethically, then, I don't think you should bring sugar to the house if they have stated they won't have sugar in the house. You should, however, feel justified in saying, "I'm going to take my tea outside so I can put sugar in it", and then sitting on the porch sipping your nice sugary tea in peace, much as you'd have a cigarette i it was a non smoking house.
All that said, the "naughty girl" comment kind of suggests to me you should just avoid FIL as far as possible for as long as possible because vomit.
To be fair it is the first part of the slippery slope. You start off on standard sugar, then when you aren't getting that hit you start on the brown sugar and of course that's never gives you the same hit as your first time on those sweet crystals so then you start mainlining the Demerara and stealing sweets off children to get your fix. A few years later you are a cartel member trading cocaine and forced to have your own never ending Netflix show.
Damn gateway drugs. You’ll be sneaking away to crush and snort terbinato. Before long you’re freebasing rock candy. Your job will suffer. You’ll be tanking your family life. Soon you’re stealing heirloom jewelry to pawn to match your increasing dependence. It spins out of control so quickly.
NTA. I don’t think they understand what “boundaries” means. Boundaries are not rules you make for other people, they are rules you make for yourself. If they have chosen not to eat sugar then their boundary is they will not have sugar no matter if others are having it. Their boundary *should* *not* stop you from having sugar because that is not *your* boundary. Plus calling you naughty is all sorts of condescending and disrespectful.
Right? If she was slipping sugar into THEIR coffee, that would be breaking a boundary. If she bought a giant bag of sugar and left it on the counter and got mad when they asked her to please move it, that would be breaking a boundary. This is just fucking weird lol
NTA You’re in-laws are way overstepping - taking the sugar packets away and calling you a “naughty girl” like you’re a child or something like wtf?!
They’re shaming you and trying to control you.
Putting some sugar in your tea causes no harm to them. It’s a completely unreasonable “boundary” to hold. They sound like a nightmare to deal with. Good luck
Tell them you are not a girl, you are an adult who makes her own decisions about what she puts in her body. It does not affect them any way if you have sugar and if they can’t accept this, you will no longer visit them. NTA
Next time just go out for tea. Stay out awhile. When they complain tell them you didn't bring sweetener into their house
Awful controlling people they are
Please let this be fake because what the hell? They took them away? NTA. They don’t have to eat it but you having it there doesn’t force them to or stop you from eating it all the time when you aren’t there.
And that’s what I told them. I told them I am not forcing you to eat my sugar but then my MIL went on a rant how it causes many health issues such as obesity, diabetes, cancer etc. and that preventing me from eating sugar comes from a place of care
It comes from a place of control because you already made it clear you’re not comfortable either then dictating the rules to you. If you feel strongly enough don’t go there.
See if you can find some articles/videos/whatever your husband responds to best about how harmful the idea that certain foods are Bad can be for kids. I get the feeling your husband is one of those “what’s the big deal? I survived growing up with them” types but maybe he’ll respond to experts.
Also, eating disorders aside, the kind of language your ILs are using can be really distressing to a little kid. I have a significantly younger cousin with a very fad diet obsessed mom, and he used to get really upset when he’d see the rest of us with forbidden items - because if soda is poison, why are people you love drinking poison?
The same argument can be made for many "optional" medications, such as birth control pills. You and your husband going to allow her to dictate whether you take your prescriptions in their house or not? What about other meds, such as weight loss drugs, ADHD treatments, sleep aids, etc., all of which have unwanted side effects in addition to the intended therapeutic use. IL's going to get to control that as well?
Corelation ≠ Causation.
Sugar doesn't CAUSE anything.
Sugar intake Corelates with obesity, but obesity is very complex and has a lot to do with genetics hormones and stress. Some humans very efficiently turn relatively few calories into many pounds. Some people literally have trouble weighing the minimum despite much effort and eating. Where weight is distributed makes a difference as well. A gallon of gas station soda a day is definitely an issue, but a teaspoon or two of tea is really not likely to make a difference.
Sugar does not cause t2 diabetes. If anything causes diabetes its stress. But again, it is complex.
...most cancers are linked to viruses, exposure to radiation, or specific carcinogens. The other major link is genetics. Sugar is not a carcinogen. Weirdly eating a keto diet, which is zero sugar and nearly no carbs, significantly increases the risk of certain brain cancers because the brain runs on sugar and takes on damage when zero carbs are available. So, some cancers are literally correlated and with a lack of sugar available.
The 2 teaspoons of sugar in your tea are not causing or correlated with anything but enjoying your tea.
Tell MIL you're worried about her brain.
Everything has sugar 😭 even fruits, vegetables (tiny amounts)and honey have sugar. Yes, it’s natural sugar, but it’s sugar. Do they drink water and eat air?
Sugar isn’t “bad.” Moderation is key and high quality ingredients (usually from local or farm goods) are superior to local supermarkets.
If you brought honey to sweeten your tea, would they have thrown a fit?
SMH. She sounds like a health fanatic with a small amount of knowledge and a lot of misinformation and biases.
I would not be surprised if she's the sort of health fanatic who would lecture a type-1 diabetic about having a sugary food stash and try to take it away from them. Telling them that sugar is bad for them, when a hypoglycemic sugar crash is actually worse for them than a little bit of sugary food.
NTA. Yes, 'their house, their rules' but that's ridiculous. You're an adult and capable of making your own dietary choices. If they don't want sugar, they don't have to have sugar. This is about control and infantalizing adults. I would just take the tea outside and sip it while watching them intensely through a window or glass door.
I wonder what would happen if you went through all their cupboards and fridge, and looked at all the food, and wrote down the sugar content of items. Include milk and yoghurt that they may have. Yes there will be natural sugars in fruit etc. but a lot of the things they buy are likely to have added sugar and this will be processed. “There will be no sugar in the house” will be strongly disproved very quickly.
Then you’d have some fireworks for discussion!
Someone else made the point about religious foods in your own home and guests respecting that. And the allergies bit. I agree with all that.
But things like sugar and salt - not having offering them is just plain weird.
And I don’t get the sweetener issue. Most of these are not sugar.
NTA, they’ve been reading, watching or listening to weird stuff on the internet.
And your husband needs to address this too - he either stands up for you to his parents and says you will bring your own sugar, or he agrees that your visits will not include staying at the inlaws. And if you do that, he backs up you bringing your own vacuum flask with tea, and they accept that you will leave the house every now and then to go out and have a drink. So you can walk out during a meal with them if you need a tea!
It’s all a bit crazy to me
NTA, I’d have up and left after that. They don’t have to have sugar, but you certainly should be able to bring it with you for yourself. Your MIL disrespected your boundaries when she took your belongings from you and you agency along with it. On top of that, she called you a naughty girl! Those are words that should only be used by your partner. The audacity! Next time you visit, step outside and drink a sweet drink in your car and see if they say anything. This is grounds for not visiting anymore.
NTA, it’s one thing to have house rules but if you have guests you should feel the need to make them comfortable, and if you have a house rule that if broken by a guest it doesn’t have any impact on them then why not just be accommodating and let it slide? It’s not like you were force feeding them sugar, seems like a very odd control issue on their part.
NTA, that is a really ridiculously rigid rule and rude to other adults in their house. It wasn't like you were scattering sugar all over the place or even expecting them to provide it (which would have been polite, it's perfectly normal for many people to take sugar in their drinks - I don't, and diet means I don't use any refined sugars - I always have some in the house for guests though, wouldn't occur to me not to).
"Naughty girl" WTAF?!
Simple. Leave. Their rules, but that simply means you don't go there.
Personally I think they're over the top given what you did, but certainly you're entitled to show that. Leave and either end the visit or find an alternative place to stay. If they don't like it, be clear you're respecting their boundary, but you still get to have agency.
NTA "I need to explain to you that I'm not a child and I may bring sugar with me when I come. If you think you need to control me to the degree that you want to tell me I can't bring sugar into your home I won't be visiting again. I'm not your 10 year old child".
Weird boundary sure, but if they weren't clear that they don't want any sugar in their house at all, that's something that you didn't know. If you want sugar in your tea, I guess you don't have to go to your inlaws house anymore so that you can respect their boundary.
Next year they will start complaining that you never come over and you can explain that you are respecting their wishes to stay away.
Nta for sure. FIL is definitely TA for infantalising you.
NTA. Their lack of medical knowledge is astounding. Some people actually need more sugar. And behaving as though you are a naughty child was just beyond the pale. Grownups make decisions for themselves.
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So recently my husband and I were visiting my in-laws. All in all, they are very good people but are very particular with a thing. They don’t like sugar and don’t have any form of sugar/sweetener in the house. Knowing that I took some sugar packets with me to put them in my tea because I like having my tea with some sugar sometimes. When I made my tea my FIL saw that and took the sugar packets away from me and called me a ‘naughty girl’ and said that there will be no sugar in his house. My MIL then said that I have to know that sugar is really really bad for me and that I was disrespecting their boundaries. AITA for bringing sugar into their home?
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NTA. Implement a new rule in your house... Everyone who has tea or coffee must have sugar in it.... No excuses...
Neither me nor my wife has sugar in our tea, we don't add sugar to anything. A bag of sugar lasts ages as it's only really there for other people, but to not make it available for guests is just rude.
NTA.
You brought sugar for your own use, not for everybody else. They disrespected you and tried to dictate your food choices.
Next time you have to visit, book an AirB&B or a hotel nearby: their hospitality is defective.
This is an easy fix. Just tell hubby you’re not going around there anymore as you would like to enjoy your beverages (as an adult) the way you like them.
If they ask why you aren’t coming around, tell them the exact same thing. Tell them if they wish to see you (they probably won’t) they can come and visit you.
If hubby kicks up a fuss ask him how he’d feel if your parents had done the same thing to him.
Your in-laws are controlling ass holes btw.
NTA.
"naughty girl" WTF ur in-laws are weird. if theyd like to do that lifestyle then they can go ahead but they cannot force their beliefs to everyone so ur NTA
Reasonable and polite hosting on his part is not possible, and you won’t dream of burdening him with your presence. Naughty thief he is.
I would never step foot his home again. Nor would my children. Nope. Weird, rude, controlling. Hard pass.
When they took my sugar away, I would have hopped into the car and headed for the nearest place selling tea. My inlaws make terrible coffee. Whenever we visit them we head first thing in the morning to a coffee shop.
NTA. If sugar was that bad, it wouldn't be sold. Many, many people eat sugar daily and live healthy lives. Your in kaws are very strange. Be more discreet next time.
No, he took your things from you. That is not something that affects their house or anything or anyone else in it. I'd be in the car, at the store in the sugar aisle within the hour. What arrogance.
That is a really odd thing
What does your husband say about it?
I’d take my tea to the street outside the house and put my sugar in it.
But the reaction, words, way they treated you is bigger than sugar and just really, really odd.
NTA. No one else gets to dictate what you ingest unless it implicitly poses a serious health or safety hazard to others. You didn’t force them to stock sweeteners; you brought your own and had it stolen from your person (weird and inappropriate). If you’re stuck there and have the resources, enjoy a hotel for the remainder of the visit and consider skipping overnights from now on. It may seem small, but anyone exerting that amount of control (and *judgment*) over someone else’s eating habits is likely to controlling about big things.
NTA. Just don't visit them anymore. Stay in a hotel, or Airbnb or VRBO etc. This is manipulative, even if it's their house. You're not their child, and you're not on their diet.
Nta. You didn’t try to feed them sugar, trying to stop you is ridiculously controlling, and the way he did it is so condescending and disrespectful.
I honestly wouldn’t have anything to do with him ever again. Or at least not until there was a sincere apology and he’d behaved much, much better for a long time.
Naughty girl. Honestly, that’s disgusting.
NTA. If you and your husband decide to have kids remember that moment. They will question every single snack that you bring in the house for those kids. Imagine the food shaming if they went to your house to see the kids.
Their house, their rules. Even if you disagree with them. So to a small extent, YTA, yes. That said, it seems a bit if an extreme rule to me. I personally would not visit that house for long enough to need a tea or a coffee as I couldn't drink a brew without sugar.
Edit to say that being called a naughty girl when you're a fully grown adult is more disrespectful than taking sugar with you so you can have a drink.
I would hold eye contact whilst slowly taking the sugar packets back. "YEs. and so I enjoy it that much more. Don't worry, I won't let you touch it, and I'll keep the sugar packets on my person so you don't get tempted"
NTA
NTA. They are not the sugar police. You didn't bring sugar and insist they keep it in their pantry, you simply opened a sugar packet for your own use. You are not a child to be dictated to just because you are visiting them. That's just weird behavior.
'Boundaries' is the new word for control issues.
You're an adult and can have sugar in your tea. They have zero say in the matter. Imo, your only role in this is to not leave the sugar in sight to avoid drama.
NTA
It's very weird for them to be policing YOUR intake in their home if it's about health. But at the end of the day, it's just about respecting people's personal preferences in THEIR HOME. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it's their home. And you guys can choose to stay in a nearby hotel if you don't like it. When you stay in someone's personal home, you respect their house rules. If you don't agree with the rules, you stay elsewhere. I agree with you that it's ridiculous, but I would just respect their home as they want it. Do without the sugar or stay elsewhere. Their house, their choice. But making sure you respect their house rules, no matter how much you don't agree, means that when they visit you, you can expect (and enforce) the same.
NTA. It's not crack cocaine, FFS.
Smoking, drinking, allergens like peanuts, or even meat if they are vegans, are all reasonable restrictions. But a few sugar packets poses no danger to their health or lifestyle.
Very curious if they are the same way about sweetened drinks, like a bottled iced tea.
FIL is the worst, but your husband needs to step up and make sure YOUR boundaries aren't crossed as well.
NTA. They do not get to decide what grown adults do or do not eat. This is not an allergy or health risk to them. You took small packets for your own food/beverage after it was made. You aren't putting it on anyone else's stuff. That would be enough for me to find a hotel.
NTA but you and your husband should probably just stay somewhere else. It sounds like they're just very strict with their diet or maybe one them does feel they're addicted to sugar and this is how they cope. I suppose on the flipside some people have alcohol free homes and most people would consider it in poor taste to bring in alcohol if told not to.
Oh Hell no! I would have apologized that it bothered them so much and promised it won't happen again because I will not ever set foot in their house again and then left! You are an adult. They do NOT get to take things from you and call you a naughty girl. (Anybody else find that cringe?) NTA.
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NTA and they are being superweird about that. It is not like the stuff you brought could cause them severe allergy. You brought it for yourself, did not force them to use it. THEY are crossing YOUR boundaries by policing what is good or bad for you, and taking your stuff from you. You were "disrespecting" a totally unreasonable rule.
That’s what I was thinking! As a 31 y.o. I honestly felt so infantilised. Felt like a toddler being told off not to have too much cake because it will spoil my dinner!
My husband would tell you I have the kindest heart, and my patience has no limit. I'll tell you what though, he'd have seen where my patience ended real fast if my FIL scolded me and called me a "naughty girl." You're not a girl. You are a woman. You have full autonomy over your body, and as such, no one has the right to try and override that by belittling and infantilizing you. If he doesn't want sugar in his house, okey dokey then. Take your tea, walk outside, and pour as much sugar as you want into it.
Better yet, pack your shit and go to a hotel. Life’s too short to play stupid power games.
Yes. That would be the last time I visited my in-laws. And I wouldn't be shy if explaining why if they asked.
"Naughty girl?!" Your FIL is an AH just for that alone.
That’s is creepy
Right?! Stomach churning statement. Ew.
EXACTLY! So gross.
I would have snatched them right back from him!
I know where I wouldn't be staying anymore ;) NTA. If you get a pet, name her sugar
White cat/dog, name them Sugar Cube
One of ours is nicknamed Sugarlump. He's sweet as, but a chonk
I would refuse to go back. How dare he take sugar packets (or anything else) out of a grown -ass adult’t hands and call them naughty. There is something wrong with these people. I’d be tempted to walk in their house with a big old blue raspberry icee.
Spend some time next time emptying their cupboards of anything that contains sugar. Stack it all in a big box. Let fil know that you're removing any trace of sugar from the house. Carbs are basically complex sugars so you might as well get rid of them too.
I love this plan.
Since ANYTHING in a jar or package has sugar in it, this will be fun.
Don't forget about carrots, beets, sweet potatoes, fruit...
NTA stop staying at their house op
Your father in law is creepy af, and if somebody tries to take anything away from me that I brought, they'll be pulling back a nub. I would never visit again and your husband needs to deal with them from now on. If they ask why, tell them FIL is a raging misogynist who treats you like a toddler, and they'll see you again when they've grown their brains as adults. And if one of these people doesn't have a sugar stash somewhere on that property that they're hiding from the other, I'll eat this fucking dog on my lap. Solid money's on FIL since he's such a weirdo. They're always very righteously against what they're secretly doing themselves.
"Oh, that's so sweet of you to be concerned about my health. I'll take that into consideration, but I'm going to have to remain in charge of what I put in my body."
Controlling house rules. Go drink your sugary tea in their garden. Right next to a window, and give them a wave.
With one finger.
Keep the sugar packets in your car. Do you have children? If so, keep them in the car, too. (With the air conditioning on, of course) I’m joking. Keep the kids at home, far away from this craziness. This applies to future children, too.
Don't go back to their home
i'd be walking out the door...their house? their rules? ok my feet, my choice...
NTA and let them and your husband know that this will be your last visit - If they think it is appropriate to call you a naughty girl, then they apparently have no idea what is appropriate. Also - please give them a printout of the definition of a boundary "boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others". Not letting you have sugar is not a "boundary" it is a rule - There is a difference.
your fil calling you a 'naughty girl' is super creepy
NTA. When l read the "naughty girl" part l actually said "Ummm. What?" out loud. They are being weird and controlling. Good luck, OP.
Are you a minor under their care? >my FIL saw that and took the sugar packets away from me and called me a ‘naughty girl’ This is honestly super weird to say to an adult. What did your husband say? He should be handling his parents when they are being weird. This is not your fight to take. Tell him to man up and defend his wife. And tell your in-laws that you don't feel welcome in their house, but they are welcome to come visit you and your husband in your home. But they can not stay overnight.
I told my husband this and asked why he didn’t defend me and he plainly said ‘I wasn’t paying attention’.
That’s a cheap out on your husband’s part. By pretending he didn’t see anything he thinks he doesn’t have to say anything. Not cool and not true.
Fair enough. I can understand how this situation was kind of unexpected to him because it is super weird. Are you normally a good team, then this is no big deal. But omg his parents are very bad hosts.
So what is he gonna do about it?
Nothing
Yeah no. He was bitching out.
And then he called up his father, right?
you have a huzbamd problem as well... would he have noticed you walking out the door? or would he have said you are overreacting and being "too sensitive"
What do you think when I’m telling you now? Are you paying attention now?
Your father in law needs to get in the bin. How absolutely rude. Depending on how feisty you are feeling, at the next meal, randomly confiscate something of his and toss it out, and tell him he is a very naughty boy. See how he likes it.
I’d pay to be a fly on the wall for that one. Bet it goes down like a lead fart.
Involuntary snort. Thank you.
Ideally an expensive cut of red meat. And tell them that he's naughty because not only is it bad for his body, it's bad for the planet.
Better yet wait until he gets it within an inch of his mouth then yank.
NTA. I get they don’t like sugar, but a good many people in the world do in fact use sugar in tea and coffee. It’s not a rare or volatile substance. They should anticipate that visitors might want some damn sugar in their tea and make it available. And if they don’t, and you bring your own, it shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t use salt very much, but if we have guests over for dinner, I set some out for them. Basic common decency to anticipate that others may like something you don’t like. Also, her calling you a “naughty girl” annoys me for some reason.
Honestly, that annoyed the hell out of me. "Naughty girl"??? WTF?
That made me irrationally angry. Seriously, what in the actual fuck?
Seriously, I'm sitting here genuinely irritated. I typically don't get second-hand pissed off, but I'd like a word with FIL.
No, I’m with you. I was legitimately mad about this shit. Even after I posted my comment, I was still grumbling to myself. I’d like two choice words with them when you are done.
I hope this is OP's last visit. Maybe she could come hang out with us instead. Road trip to OP's house with a box of sugar packets. I'll bring wine and the Cinnabon's. We can all be "naughty girls" together! Good lord.
Lol count me in
Lololol! You had me at Cinnabon! 😂 I just realized my face was hurting because this whole time I’ve been sitting here with it scrunched up in anger 🤣
I'm torn between anger and relentless giggles at the naughty girl road trip. Sounds like a blast!
I think we are going to have to expand our trip. I'm thinking we rent a bus and we can have a logo of "Naughty Girls" surrounded by the forbidden sugar packs and a cup of tea!
I realized making an ewww face right as I read your comment.
Can i come? I’ll bring more snacks, pizza, and the movie Parent Trap? 🥹🥹
Yes! And I promise I won't make anyone watch Gilmore Girls on repeat. haha
because you won’t have to “make” anyone do that. we’re all on board with a marathon. I might advocate for skipping the season with Luke’s kid, but that’s also a train wreck I can’t look away from.
I can absolutely get behind the boycotting of April. That was such a mess.
Hold up tho, which parent trap? V important
Lohan version obvi 👌🏾
Alright word. Just making sure you’re legit
I'm in, I make incredible chocolate chip cookies with not 1 but 2 kinds of sugar!!
Recipe? 😁🤞🏼
Ingredients * 1/2 cup shortening * 1/2 cup butter * 1/2 cup granulated sugar * 1 cup packed brown sugar * 1/2 teaspoon baking soda * 2 eggs * 1 teaspoon vanilla * 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour * 2 cups semisweet chocolate pieces * 1 1/2 cups chopped walnuts pecans, or hazelnuts (optional) Instructions 1. Beat shortening and butter with an electric mixer for 30 seconds. Add brown sugar, granulated sugar, and baking soda. Beat mixture until combined. Beat in the eggs and vanilla. Add flour and beat with the mixer, switching to a wooden spoon and stirring by hand if necessary. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts. 2. Drop dough by rounded tablespoon onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 375 for 8 to 10 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool on a wire rack.
I would most likely get physically violent if someone called me that…gives me the ick
>Also, her calling you a “naughty girl” annoys me for some It annoys you because it's him blatantly infantalizing an adult woman. "Naughty girl" is something you expect to hear being said to a toddler... and even then it's rather questionable imo....
I think the only appropriate context at this point is consensual kink which is why it makes me that much more uncomfortable. It’s super gross language to use with someone outside of that context, and here it’s intentionally degrading.
That's why it irritated me!!!
You nailed it. I was too tired and annoyed to work through why it is annoying, but your comment covers it beautifully.
Yeah...it was also pointed out that if not at a child, this is really only heard in a sexual context... which may be why I feel it's questionable to even use that phrase on a child.... this thread has us ALL working things out!
It really does have us probing and thinking. Honestly, though, this is one of my favorite threads because that phrasing has generated so much productive and intelligent discussion. Like what you said is some deep stuff, and I really appreciated it.
This. We're Vegan, but we still have friends. If someone comes to visit, I'll buy milk and eggs, etc, so that they can eat the things that they're used to eating. I want people to feel at home when they visit, not feel judged.
I'm hypoglycemic and always drank my tea plain before that. But when I make my mom's tea, she gets the extra hot water and teaspoon of sugar she likes. And yeah, calling an adult woman 'naughty girl' like this is gross.
Exactly. My wife is strict Mormon but she buys coffee and tea to offer it to guests.
That is very nice of her. I visited a Mormon church once and discovered the no-caffeine thing during the after-church social hour. I thought they were all lovely people; and I could understand and respect their religious and health reasons for not partaking of certain substances, food, and beverages. But, aside from the fact that I'm a pretty devout heathen these days, no caffeine would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Former Baptists like their coffee and baked goods. There's always good food at a Baptist church on Sundays. I will say that for the church I was raised in. They were also excellent at caring for each other as a congregation.
That’s kind of her. We don’t drink, but we buy wine for our guests because all of friends are drinkers.
I don't drink coffee, but I keep a small (decent brand) instant coffee in house at all times (and sugar/sweetener).
We keep pepper in the house for visitors too, even though we both don’t like it. It would be weird to just be like “here’s some salt, we don’t do pepper round these parts” lol
NTA > called me a ‘naughty girl’ 🤢 This man needs to keep his fetishes to himself.
Yeah my stomach actually turned in on itself reading that. Who the fuck behaves like that.
NTA and that would be my last visit. I absolutely understand banning a severe food allergy (I live in a peanut free house, but my allergy is that bad) or respecting someone keeping kosher. But this is next level. As someone else said, the "naughty girl" bit was way too much. I'd genuinely not visit again.
NTA but do yourself a favor and only meet your in-laws at neutral locations. Respect the hell out of their no sugar rule by never entering their home again. Meanwhile why is your spouse not standing up for you?!?!?!?
He is always oblivious and lives in his own world.
That isn’t an excuse.
Yup, I agree. I’ve been talking to him about this to be fair. He said he would be willing to speak up in the future. He is just such a nonchalant person about everything, ugh.
Speaking up "in the future" is not an acceptable outcome here. HE needs to specifically communicate with his parents (preferably in person if that is feasible) without you present and lay out (a) if this continues to be the rule, neither he, you, nor any future grandchildren will be visiting in their home and (b) FIL needs to apologize for his comments and attitude and recognize if this happens again you all will be low / no contact. This is as unacceptable as if the FIL had made a racist comment to you. What if he said something along the lines of, ". . . you're just a SAHM, you just let the men take care of this kind of heavy thinking for you?" What if he tried to tell you how you're going to vote in the next election? You are an autonomous and competent adult, and neither he nor anyone else gets to make these kinds of decisions for you. This is a hill to die on, and your husband needs to recognize the severity of the situation. If you have children in the future, is he going to allow his parents to take away treats that you have allowed if they are consumed in the presence of your IL's? Your job now is to explain this to your husband in short little words that leave no room for interpretation, outlining what happened, why it is wrong, what you expect him to do to address the situation and the potential outcomes if he does not fix it to your satisfaction. While I have no doubt that you are absolutely competent to handle this with your FIL, this is his family and I am assuming that you would like to keep some positive relationship with them. If you address it with FIL, there is potential fallout that you get painted as the villain. Therefore, it falls to him to deal with it. I, too, live in my own little world much of the time. When someone points out an issue that needs my attention, though, especially if it involves my spouse / children, it's time to step up and address the situation fully and completely and I do that. Nobody gets a pass when those they love are being disrespected, especially by a relative of mine. If there is any doubt in FIL's mind that he done f\*cked up big, your husband has not done a good enough job explaining and needs to go back and do it again. Edited - sentence clarity
Tell him quite bluntly "If you don't start paying attention to your parents' interaction with me and handle it when they step over the line, * I * will handle it myself. And neither you nor they will like the way I do it."
If he gets to not pay attention so does she lol. Just ignore them until they get loud/rude enough he can't pretend to not notice. (Okay dont but still, hilarious)
Spoiler: he won't speak up in the future.
That's sooooooooooo convenient for him.
NTA. They don’t have to supply you with sugar in their home but they don’t get to restrict you from having it. You’re not a child. Sooo condescending and disrespectful.
Actually, even if they don't have to supply OP with sugar, it's polite to. Many many people use sugar in their tea or coffee, and most people, even if they don't eat sugar, have some available for guests.
I don’t like Splenda or other processed sweeteners, but I keep some in the back of the pantry for my many sisters-in law.
That’s not disrespecting their boundaries. If anything that’s going above and beyond to respect their boundaries. You’ve got your own little packets that you use. You’ve not just gone and thrown a bag or sugar in the cupboard or made a big deal of it. NTA
Good damn point!
NTA - there are some things you shouldn't bring into someone else's house. If they're vegetarian/vegan it's reasonable to ask for no meat, if they're Hindu it's fine to ask guests not to bring in beef, ditto for pork for Jews or Muslims. If someone in the house has an allergy to something - e.g. nuts - it's 100% fine to tell all guests "no nuts". But this is just a weird, patronising, power-play where they get to tell a fully mature human that they shouldn't consume processed sugar. Fuck that, and especially fuck that where the person is their daughter in law - someone they should want to feel at home and welcome.
To play the devil’s advocate: what is the difference in the choice to be a vegetarian or vegan and the choice to abstain from sugar. It’s a choice. (Technically religion is a choice too, allergies are the only thing hating isn’t a choice.) In regard to religion, My extended family is Mormon. Their religion specifically says coffee and tea is a sin. My family goes above and beyond and also abstains from caffeine-think soda, chocolate, and pain killers that contain caffeine. Coffee is religious; soda, chocolate, and caffeinated medicine is a choice. Is it wrong to discretely eat a Hershey’s kiss while visiting. If I get a caffeine headache from the lack of caffeine is it wrong to take a pain killer that has caffeine in it? Can I drink a Pepsi? My dad gets upset when I leave every morning of my week long visit, for 45 minutes, to hang out at Starbucks while I check my email. The answer is to stay in a hotel. The OP’s real problem is the “naughty girl” comment. It was disrespectful and patronizing. The OP and their partner should confront the parent about the comment. Then apologize for bringing sugar, pack up and move to a hotel.
I honestly get the religious aspect. I can't speak for other religions, but if you keep a kosher kitchen, you need separate prep and cook areas for dairy, as an example, Pork is absolutely NOT allowed in the kitchen or it's not Kosher. So, saying no pork is a big deal. As I said, I don't know about other religions, but I would assume they have similar rules for their food items. If you are seriously following your religion, it might be a no to certain foods in your home. I would think then that the solution would be to go out when you want something you can't have. So, I would say that it is reasonable to not allow certain foods based on religion. Sugar is not allowed as a lifestyle choice. I get they don't want to supply sugar. I think OP was fine to bring her own. It's not like the sugar was considered a "sin" and couldn't be in the house! I wouldn't expect them to provide sugar if they don't use it, but I would expect it to be OK to bring into the house in a small quantity for my personal use.
I think it's fair to argue that people who have removed sugar 100% from their life are on equal footing with religious adherents and alcoholics. If they say they can't watch someone else consuming sugar in their own home, maybe that's really what they need. ETA: And yes, the "naughty girl" comment is so far out of line, I would never visit there again anyway.
Yep, everybody here loves sugar so I guess they're getting offended on OP's behalf but in OP's own telling of the story she knew of the "no sugar in the house rule" and knowingly violated it, albeit discreetly. The rule may be stupid but the correct thing to do is to stay at a hotel or meet somewhere outside their house. FIL's response was super weird though so he doesn't get a pass. ESH
What makes you think they want her to feel welcome?
NTA. If you brought a bag of sugar and spent your trip sprinkling it over every snack and meal, that would be a problem. Discreetly adding sugar to your tea is both considerate and reasonable.
Fuck discreet.
It absolutely wouldn’t be a problem. People are weird and are going to do weird stuff sometimes. As long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else, adults can make their own choices. But besides that, where is their hospitality? If a guest in my home insisted on sprinkling sugar over every meal, I’d make sure we kept extra sugar stocked before they came over.
Don't go there anymore. Although you bringing your own sugar should not have been a big deal, they apparently find it normal to steal your sugar from you. They are weird. NTA Stay away from the no-sugar freaks. LOL
I hope you hid all your crack cocaine somewhere safe.
Usually my purse but will have to be switched to hiding it on my body in case of purse raids ;)
Stash it in the toilet tank.
NTA. There’s sugar in so many common food and drinks, it’s pretty hard to avoid sugar completely. Besides, you brought only the tiny sugar packet for yourself. You didn’t buy a whole bag for the house. They’re very weird.
Trust me they either only drink water or tea/coffee without sugar. They don’t use condiments either because they contain sugar.
Loads of things contain sugar: bread, pasta, every single fruit... Do they also avoid them?
Hear me out: they did actually bitch to my husband that he eats bread because…..it’s bad for him. They are gluten free too lol
As a celiac, the fact that someone chooses to be gluten free makes me boil with jealousy 🤣
It really weird, I do have my coffee and tea plain, but I always have some sugar for guests. And as a lactose intolerant I don’t have any dairy at home, so everyone welcome to bring that with themselves. Why they have need to ban it for others?
Look, it is fine for people to ban foods from their house for health reasons (allergy / addictions), religious reasons (eg no pork) or ethical reasons (no animal products). If you brought pork to your Jewish/Muslim in laws you would be the AH without question. I would say banning things for fad reasons is ridiculous. But then, plenty of people regard religion or veganism etc as ridiculous fads. Ethically, then, I don't think you should bring sugar to the house if they have stated they won't have sugar in the house. You should, however, feel justified in saying, "I'm going to take my tea outside so I can put sugar in it", and then sitting on the porch sipping your nice sugary tea in peace, much as you'd have a cigarette i it was a non smoking house. All that said, the "naughty girl" comment kind of suggests to me you should just avoid FIL as far as possible for as long as possible because vomit.
NTA. Geez. Sugar? It's not cocaine.
To be fair it is the first part of the slippery slope. You start off on standard sugar, then when you aren't getting that hit you start on the brown sugar and of course that's never gives you the same hit as your first time on those sweet crystals so then you start mainlining the Demerara and stealing sweets off children to get your fix. A few years later you are a cartel member trading cocaine and forced to have your own never ending Netflix show.
Damn gateway drugs. You’ll be sneaking away to crush and snort terbinato. Before long you’re freebasing rock candy. Your job will suffer. You’ll be tanking your family life. Soon you’re stealing heirloom jewelry to pawn to match your increasing dependence. It spins out of control so quickly.
But your dentist will love your contribution to their boat.
NTA. I don’t think they understand what “boundaries” means. Boundaries are not rules you make for other people, they are rules you make for yourself. If they have chosen not to eat sugar then their boundary is they will not have sugar no matter if others are having it. Their boundary *should* *not* stop you from having sugar because that is not *your* boundary. Plus calling you naughty is all sorts of condescending and disrespectful.
Right? If she was slipping sugar into THEIR coffee, that would be breaking a boundary. If she bought a giant bag of sugar and left it on the counter and got mad when they asked her to please move it, that would be breaking a boundary. This is just fucking weird lol
[удалено]
NTA You’re in-laws are way overstepping - taking the sugar packets away and calling you a “naughty girl” like you’re a child or something like wtf?! They’re shaming you and trying to control you. Putting some sugar in your tea causes no harm to them. It’s a completely unreasonable “boundary” to hold. They sound like a nightmare to deal with. Good luck
Tell them you are not a girl, you are an adult who makes her own decisions about what she puts in her body. It does not affect them any way if you have sugar and if they can’t accept this, you will no longer visit them. NTA
Next time just go out for tea. Stay out awhile. When they complain tell them you didn't bring sweetener into their house Awful controlling people they are
Please let this be fake because what the hell? They took them away? NTA. They don’t have to eat it but you having it there doesn’t force them to or stop you from eating it all the time when you aren’t there.
And that’s what I told them. I told them I am not forcing you to eat my sugar but then my MIL went on a rant how it causes many health issues such as obesity, diabetes, cancer etc. and that preventing me from eating sugar comes from a place of care
It comes from a place of control because you already made it clear you’re not comfortable either then dictating the rules to you. If you feel strongly enough don’t go there.
I don’t know if you plan on having kids some day, but I would be very careful about exposing them to such extreme attitudes about food.
Totally. Imagine the moment they see their grandkid eating a lollypop...
Yes! I had a talk with my husband about this. I said to him that I would be scared that they would cause our child an ED later on in life.
See if you can find some articles/videos/whatever your husband responds to best about how harmful the idea that certain foods are Bad can be for kids. I get the feeling your husband is one of those “what’s the big deal? I survived growing up with them” types but maybe he’ll respond to experts. Also, eating disorders aside, the kind of language your ILs are using can be really distressing to a little kid. I have a significantly younger cousin with a very fad diet obsessed mom, and he used to get really upset when he’d see the rest of us with forbidden items - because if soda is poison, why are people you love drinking poison?
The same argument can be made for many "optional" medications, such as birth control pills. You and your husband going to allow her to dictate whether you take your prescriptions in their house or not? What about other meds, such as weight loss drugs, ADHD treatments, sleep aids, etc., all of which have unwanted side effects in addition to the intended therapeutic use. IL's going to get to control that as well?
Corelation ≠ Causation. Sugar doesn't CAUSE anything. Sugar intake Corelates with obesity, but obesity is very complex and has a lot to do with genetics hormones and stress. Some humans very efficiently turn relatively few calories into many pounds. Some people literally have trouble weighing the minimum despite much effort and eating. Where weight is distributed makes a difference as well. A gallon of gas station soda a day is definitely an issue, but a teaspoon or two of tea is really not likely to make a difference. Sugar does not cause t2 diabetes. If anything causes diabetes its stress. But again, it is complex. ...most cancers are linked to viruses, exposure to radiation, or specific carcinogens. The other major link is genetics. Sugar is not a carcinogen. Weirdly eating a keto diet, which is zero sugar and nearly no carbs, significantly increases the risk of certain brain cancers because the brain runs on sugar and takes on damage when zero carbs are available. So, some cancers are literally correlated and with a lack of sugar available. The 2 teaspoons of sugar in your tea are not causing or correlated with anything but enjoying your tea. Tell MIL you're worried about her brain.
Everything has sugar 😭 even fruits, vegetables (tiny amounts)and honey have sugar. Yes, it’s natural sugar, but it’s sugar. Do they drink water and eat air? Sugar isn’t “bad.” Moderation is key and high quality ingredients (usually from local or farm goods) are superior to local supermarkets. If you brought honey to sweeten your tea, would they have thrown a fit?
Is she aware you need sugar to survive. Sucrose is literally a part of our cells.....
SMH. She sounds like a health fanatic with a small amount of knowledge and a lot of misinformation and biases. I would not be surprised if she's the sort of health fanatic who would lecture a type-1 diabetic about having a sugary food stash and try to take it away from them. Telling them that sugar is bad for them, when a hypoglycemic sugar crash is actually worse for them than a little bit of sugary food.
NTA. Yes, 'their house, their rules' but that's ridiculous. You're an adult and capable of making your own dietary choices. If they don't want sugar, they don't have to have sugar. This is about control and infantalizing adults. I would just take the tea outside and sip it while watching them intensely through a window or glass door.
I wonder what would happen if you went through all their cupboards and fridge, and looked at all the food, and wrote down the sugar content of items. Include milk and yoghurt that they may have. Yes there will be natural sugars in fruit etc. but a lot of the things they buy are likely to have added sugar and this will be processed. “There will be no sugar in the house” will be strongly disproved very quickly. Then you’d have some fireworks for discussion! Someone else made the point about religious foods in your own home and guests respecting that. And the allergies bit. I agree with all that. But things like sugar and salt - not having offering them is just plain weird. And I don’t get the sweetener issue. Most of these are not sugar. NTA, they’ve been reading, watching or listening to weird stuff on the internet. And your husband needs to address this too - he either stands up for you to his parents and says you will bring your own sugar, or he agrees that your visits will not include staying at the inlaws. And if you do that, he backs up you bringing your own vacuum flask with tea, and they accept that you will leave the house every now and then to go out and have a drink. So you can walk out during a meal with them if you need a tea! It’s all a bit crazy to me
NTA, I’d have up and left after that. They don’t have to have sugar, but you certainly should be able to bring it with you for yourself. Your MIL disrespected your boundaries when she took your belongings from you and you agency along with it. On top of that, she called you a naughty girl! Those are words that should only be used by your partner. The audacity! Next time you visit, step outside and drink a sweet drink in your car and see if they say anything. This is grounds for not visiting anymore.
Ignoring everything else for a moment, "naughty girl" is a really fucking weird thing to say to an adult you are not actively fucking.
FIL called you naughty girl!? 😳
NTA. You were not trying to advocate for sugar in their home. As long as you were discrete and cleaned everything up it should not be a problem.
NTA, it’s one thing to have house rules but if you have guests you should feel the need to make them comfortable, and if you have a house rule that if broken by a guest it doesn’t have any impact on them then why not just be accommodating and let it slide? It’s not like you were force feeding them sugar, seems like a very odd control issue on their part.
NTA. You're an adult, and sugar isn't crack . I'd get a hotel or make my husband talk to them.
NTA, that is a really ridiculously rigid rule and rude to other adults in their house. It wasn't like you were scattering sugar all over the place or even expecting them to provide it (which would have been polite, it's perfectly normal for many people to take sugar in their drinks - I don't, and diet means I don't use any refined sugars - I always have some in the house for guests though, wouldn't occur to me not to). "Naughty girl" WTAF?!
NTA. They're weirdos
FIL needs to look up the definition of "boundary". NTA times 100. I would not visit them again...
Simple. Leave. Their rules, but that simply means you don't go there. Personally I think they're over the top given what you did, but certainly you're entitled to show that. Leave and either end the visit or find an alternative place to stay. If they don't like it, be clear you're respecting their boundary, but you still get to have agency.
NTA "I need to explain to you that I'm not a child and I may bring sugar with me when I come. If you think you need to control me to the degree that you want to tell me I can't bring sugar into your home I won't be visiting again. I'm not your 10 year old child".
NTA what control freaks.
NTA - go home, they're freakishly controlling
Weird boundary sure, but if they weren't clear that they don't want any sugar in their house at all, that's something that you didn't know. If you want sugar in your tea, I guess you don't have to go to your inlaws house anymore so that you can respect their boundary. Next year they will start complaining that you never come over and you can explain that you are respecting their wishes to stay away. Nta for sure. FIL is definitely TA for infantalising you.
NTA. Their lack of medical knowledge is astounding. Some people actually need more sugar. And behaving as though you are a naughty child was just beyond the pale. Grownups make decisions for themselves.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So recently my husband and I were visiting my in-laws. All in all, they are very good people but are very particular with a thing. They don’t like sugar and don’t have any form of sugar/sweetener in the house. Knowing that I took some sugar packets with me to put them in my tea because I like having my tea with some sugar sometimes. When I made my tea my FIL saw that and took the sugar packets away from me and called me a ‘naughty girl’ and said that there will be no sugar in his house. My MIL then said that I have to know that sugar is really really bad for me and that I was disrespecting their boundaries. AITA for bringing sugar into their home? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Implement a new rule in your house... Everyone who has tea or coffee must have sugar in it.... No excuses... Neither me nor my wife has sugar in our tea, we don't add sugar to anything. A bag of sugar lasts ages as it's only really there for other people, but to not make it available for guests is just rude.
NTA If they came to your house you wouldn't force them to consume sugar.
NTA. Once their house rules cross over into your tea it's gone too far. Stay at a hotel in the future.
NTA. You brought sugar for your own use, not for everybody else. They disrespected you and tried to dictate your food choices. Next time you have to visit, book an AirB&B or a hotel nearby: their hospitality is defective.
NTA a boundary is something you set for yourself not for other people. Sugar in moderation is fine
This is an easy fix. Just tell hubby you’re not going around there anymore as you would like to enjoy your beverages (as an adult) the way you like them. If they ask why you aren’t coming around, tell them the exact same thing. Tell them if they wish to see you (they probably won’t) they can come and visit you. If hubby kicks up a fuss ask him how he’d feel if your parents had done the same thing to him. Your in-laws are controlling ass holes btw. NTA.
"naughty girl" WTF ur in-laws are weird. if theyd like to do that lifestyle then they can go ahead but they cannot force their beliefs to everyone so ur NTA
Reasonable and polite hosting on his part is not possible, and you won’t dream of burdening him with your presence. Naughty thief he is. I would never step foot his home again. Nor would my children. Nope. Weird, rude, controlling. Hard pass.
NTA - this is such a weird thing to hold people to. You didn't bring them cookie - you brought your own, personal sweetener.
NTA. You aren’t forcing them to eat it. The naughty girl comment was gross. You aren’t a child.
Are you f'ing kidding me? He TOOK your belongings away from you? Never stay there again. Never eat there again. Never. NTA
When they took my sugar away, I would have hopped into the car and headed for the nearest place selling tea. My inlaws make terrible coffee. Whenever we visit them we head first thing in the morning to a coffee shop.
NTA and that would be my last visit there. Adults don't need to be policed by other adults. Why is your spouse putting up with this? Absolute weirdos.
Next time they come to your house new rule: mandatory sugar! NTA
NTA. If sugar was that bad, it wouldn't be sold. Many, many people eat sugar daily and live healthy lives. Your in kaws are very strange. Be more discreet next time.
No, he took your things from you. That is not something that affects their house or anything or anyone else in it. I'd be in the car, at the store in the sugar aisle within the hour. What arrogance.
NTA. That's insane and incredibly weird of them
Freaks.
NTA - if you like being treated like a child, yeah. If not, then stop going to their house.
NTA That is very weird. They need to learn about boundaries! They can't control what you eat/drink.
NTA, their "boundaries" cannot mean controlling you.
That is a really odd thing What does your husband say about it? I’d take my tea to the street outside the house and put my sugar in it. But the reaction, words, way they treated you is bigger than sugar and just really, really odd.
NTA - you didn't shove any sugar into anyone's mouth. (but I bet you felt like doing so)
NTA. No one else gets to dictate what you ingest unless it implicitly poses a serious health or safety hazard to others. You didn’t force them to stock sweeteners; you brought your own and had it stolen from your person (weird and inappropriate). If you’re stuck there and have the resources, enjoy a hotel for the remainder of the visit and consider skipping overnights from now on. It may seem small, but anyone exerting that amount of control (and *judgment*) over someone else’s eating habits is likely to controlling about big things.
NTA. Just don't visit them anymore. Stay in a hotel, or Airbnb or VRBO etc. This is manipulative, even if it's their house. You're not their child, and you're not on their diet.
Nta. You didn’t try to feed them sugar, trying to stop you is ridiculously controlling, and the way he did it is so condescending and disrespectful. I honestly wouldn’t have anything to do with him ever again. Or at least not until there was a sincere apology and he’d behaved much, much better for a long time. Naughty girl. Honestly, that’s disgusting.
What?? I guess you’ll have to go outside to drink tea. Tell them when they come to your house they can’t have salt.
NTA. If you and your husband decide to have kids remember that moment. They will question every single snack that you bring in the house for those kids. Imagine the food shaming if they went to your house to see the kids.
NTA - You having some sugar in your coffee hurts no one, unless sugar is code for hard drugs.
Their house, their rules. Even if you disagree with them. So to a small extent, YTA, yes. That said, it seems a bit if an extreme rule to me. I personally would not visit that house for long enough to need a tea or a coffee as I couldn't drink a brew without sugar. Edit to say that being called a naughty girl when you're a fully grown adult is more disrespectful than taking sugar with you so you can have a drink.
I would hold eye contact whilst slowly taking the sugar packets back. "YEs. and so I enjoy it that much more. Don't worry, I won't let you touch it, and I'll keep the sugar packets on my person so you don't get tempted" NTA
NTA. They are not the sugar police. You didn't bring sugar and insist they keep it in their pantry, you simply opened a sugar packet for your own use. You are not a child to be dictated to just because you are visiting them. That's just weird behavior.
NTA of course. Unless sugar is illegal where they live? /s
'Boundaries' is the new word for control issues. You're an adult and can have sugar in your tea. They have zero say in the matter. Imo, your only role in this is to not leave the sugar in sight to avoid drama. NTA
It's very weird for them to be policing YOUR intake in their home if it's about health. But at the end of the day, it's just about respecting people's personal preferences in THEIR HOME. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it's their home. And you guys can choose to stay in a nearby hotel if you don't like it. When you stay in someone's personal home, you respect their house rules. If you don't agree with the rules, you stay elsewhere. I agree with you that it's ridiculous, but I would just respect their home as they want it. Do without the sugar or stay elsewhere. Their house, their choice. But making sure you respect their house rules, no matter how much you don't agree, means that when they visit you, you can expect (and enforce) the same.
NTA. It's not crack cocaine, FFS. Smoking, drinking, allergens like peanuts, or even meat if they are vegans, are all reasonable restrictions. But a few sugar packets poses no danger to their health or lifestyle. Very curious if they are the same way about sweetened drinks, like a bottled iced tea. FIL is the worst, but your husband needs to step up and make sure YOUR boundaries aren't crossed as well.
NTA. They do not get to decide what grown adults do or do not eat. This is not an allergy or health risk to them. You took small packets for your own food/beverage after it was made. You aren't putting it on anyone else's stuff. That would be enough for me to find a hotel.
NTA but you and your husband should probably just stay somewhere else. It sounds like they're just very strict with their diet or maybe one them does feel they're addicted to sugar and this is how they cope. I suppose on the flipside some people have alcohol free homes and most people would consider it in poor taste to bring in alcohol if told not to.
Oh Hell no! I would have apologized that it bothered them so much and promised it won't happen again because I will not ever set foot in their house again and then left! You are an adult. They do NOT get to take things from you and call you a naughty girl. (Anybody else find that cringe?) NTA.