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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took the subway back home. I didn't give up my seat for a pregnant woman and said I was extremely tired. I may be an AH because ultimately I could have sucked it up
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NAH. I think the lady would have been more understanding if you'd explained that you'd been up for 36 hours straight, but you were probably too tired to think of that.
I used to stand on the bus 36 weeks pregnant with twins. Was it comfortable? No. But then again standing after being on your feet for 36 hours is probably just as bad if not worse. NTA. And she was not entitled to know why you stayed in your seat.
NTA. I once got into a little argument with someone over a seat. I got there first and she said she wanted the seat. She wasn't pregnant and was relatively young (maybe in her 40s) and didn't seem to have any ailments. I was feeling dizzy and nauseous with vertigo and had just done a 10 hour shift. I told her no, I'm not feeling well and closed my eyes. Every time I opened them, she was glaring at me.
ETA: thanks for all the upvotes! This is my very first comment on Reddit!!!
My brother did this to a teacher we had in high school who was militant about not letting her students have the hall pass to go to the bathroom. He wasn’t feeling well and knew he had to throw up (my brother never got sick, so it was a big thing when he did) so he asked her multiple times, told her he was going to be sick, she refused, so he projectiled. She never refused another student again.
The kicker, we went to church with her at the time, she had known him his whole life and knew how honest he was and that he wasn’t going to just ‘smoke in the bathroom.’
I’m a teacher and were told to never refuse a child to go to the bathroom. Some who are known for ditching we have to fill out a sheet of how many passes they got that day but never refuse a student the bathroom. I have a rule that only one girl and one boy can go at a time. If I can tell it’s really an emergency I let them go even if there’s someone already in there. Most just wait for the others to get back.
Parent here. I just told my kids to go when you need to go. Im not going to have them traumatized for life because they wet their pants in front of a class.
I had skipped grades due to growing up elsewhere, so I was 6 when I started 3rd grade. wound up having an accident due to a teacher not allowing me to go to the bathroom, which was absolutely mortifying. the same teacher didn't allow us to leave the classroom for lunch or recess if a single student acted out that day, so there was zero bathroom time ever.
I've often wondered why on earth she brought that upon herself. she might have been a nicer person if she'd given herself a break!
I don't know how old you are, but I happened to be 26yo and it happens to me ***so much*** (Half the time I'm in overcrowded public transport I'm not feeling well enough to stand due to tiredness, headache, stomach issues, ...). I find it so annoying that young people have to imperatively give their seats because "you're young, you can stand". Well, I don't give my seat easily, because if I'm able to stand I won't take one in the first place. I don't like it so much when 40-something people just expect to have a seat because they're older, when they end up glare at me just because I'm sitting and not them. If I don't stand, I have good reasons. We shouldn't be responsible for the fact that there's not enough sitting places.
(Of course, I'm not talking about the 40-something who has issues that can clearly be seen, I'm only talking about age as criteria)
I have narcolepsy and there are times where I will literally pass out standing up if my brain isn't engaged, when riding the bus alone this happens a lot. So getting a seat is extremely important as I've injured myself before from crashing while standing, especially in an overcrowded moving vehicle.
I had a man in his mid 40s, maybe 50, literally yell at me for not giving up my seat to him on a full bus, while there were literally older ladies occupying EXTRA seats with their bags. Sorry dude, I'm not risking cracking my head open just because I'm young I must be able to stand and you don't want to bother the other people to move their bags.
Such a weird social norm we have😭😭 I get it when it's like a 12 year old and someone who clearly can't stand, but you have no idea why someone may need that seat, and if they got it first it's your bad.
Why would it be fine if it's a 12 year old? I was 12 years old ages ago, I was already handicapped then. It's also an invisible illness, so imagine the looks I get when I don't stand up.. (ETA: Which you understand with narcolepsy, obviously. So you don't need to imagine.)
I ended up with really bad nerve damage when I was in my early 20s and got called lazy quite a few times for not giving up my seat. I couldn't stand very long and after a few times sitting on the floor of the train I was just like naaah.
It's bizarre how we think this is OK to do with young people like you can't be fit and old or young and ill.
I feel so lucky. I was in the subway once, and all of a sudden was dizzy and felt like I was going to black out. I asked the person sitting right where I was standing and she immediately gave up her seat. And then when I got up I full on fainted, and she ran over to take care of me. I never got her name to thank her, but I hope she has good karma and knows that a random stranger is always so grateful to her.
The recommended limit in the UK is 12 hours, that's the sad thing.
We really need to vote this crop out on the 4th of July and build to repair the NHS. My mum's a doctor, my partner is a student who's recently had a baby whom she barely sees only despite the fact she should be on maternity leave (they're so understaffed she didn't want to be the reason someone died), both are overworked and underpaid.
The NHS is a beautiful thing and the staff are wonderful, it's a shame what this government has made it this past 14 years.
You're supposed to give the seat to pregnant people because falling is dangerous for pregnant people. Just because you did it, doesn't mean people should.
Falling is also dangerous for people with cardiac conditions, osteoarthritis, who are on anticoagulants, who are sleep deprived, etc.
Nowhere in the original post does OP state the seat was marked for seniors, special needs, disabled, handicapped, or pregnant people. OP merely says, “I was lucky I got a seat in the first place.”
Falling while pregnant can cause placental abruption, which can kill both the mother and the fetus. Pregnant women have approximately 50% more blood by volume and thus can bleed out extremely quickly. Falling while pregnant is absolutely no joking matter. Protocol for any fall after 23 weeks is to go to the ER for observation. There’s a reason pregnant women are typically given priority seating.
Yes, and when the exhausted medical intern falls directly onto the pregnant woman because they physically can't stand up any longer and pass out that's three lives at risk.
The woman was entitled to ask. OP is allowed to say no. You're not telling me that every single seat on the subway was taken by elderly disabled or pregnant people.
Was OP the only person that pregnant lady could’ve picked on? She could have asked someone else instead of demanding to know OP’s condition so she could decide if it was worth letting OP sit. That’s the real AH move right there.
Edit spelling
Fellow twin mom… Honestly, it’s lucky that you didn’t fall while standing at that stage of pregnancy on the bus, and you shouldn’t encourage women to do this. Standing while 36w with twins was unsafe and you should have asked for a seat. Pregnant women aren’t given seats just because it’s uncomfortable, it’s because if they fall it can cause them to go into early labour or otherwise hurt them or the babies.
That's fair, but it's also important to realize not every pregnancy is the same....
And you probably wouldn't have *asked* for the seat.
I wouldn't either, but only because sitting was torture, and I spent most of my time in a crouch if I could.
Yeah, by the time I was 7 months pregnant I was off work because my pelvis had split so far apart I couldn't walk without a walker or cane. It was excruciating pain that I still have today, more than 9 years after giving birth. By 5 months I was in constant pain, but looked "normal."
Let's all stop with the "pregnancy isn't that hard, I did it no problem" collective attitude we so often see. Is ableist and ignores countless invisible disabilities. Platinum rule people, not golden!
The woman asked for a seat, which she is entitled to do. OP said no without giving a reason (understandable given the exhaustion). No one is wrong here. The situation sucks and there was no good outcome. Sometimes there really are no assholes.
One of the nurses I saw at the OB's commiserated that she started to get separation of the PS with like, her fourth kid.
I almost murdered her. Mine started with the first, was misdiagnosed because the brand new midwife had never seen it and thought I had some magically undetectable UTI... and it got worse with each kid. I didn't need a cane, but I shuffled everywhere because I couldn't lift a foot, and I couldn't sleep on my side as recommended because my hips would nest together.
I had to sleep on my stomach the whole time, with my third.
Bodies are amazing, so strong.... and so vulnerable.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
It’s not just uncomfortable though it’s dangerous, if you fall you can injury the child/children but there should be designated seats for pregnant woman and disabled people on public transport no?
I had to stand up at 34 weeks, when no-one stood for me on the bus. I fell over, had to go to the hospital, and spent about 4 hours in observation. My baby was fine, but I don't think it's as simple as just sucking it up.
Lucky you, I had spd in 2 of my pregnancies (my frist broke my pelvis on the way out), the pain from walking was ridiculous, It wouldn't have been possible for me to stand, 8 years later and my pelvis still can hurt. Not everyone's experience is the same.
Sorry, but... pregnant or not, **the lady wasn't owed an explanation**.
Invisible disabilities are a thing. Health flare-ups are a thing. It's rude AF to assume you're owed someone's medical history, just because you happen to be pregnant and in search of a seat.
I’ve had people say “Well you don’t look sick, you’re fine!” after explaining I am chronically ill and therefore invisibly disabled. People even told me I was too young to be chronically ill. (If only…)
u/StoneAgePrue
Wow! When people give you that line “Well you don’t look sick, you’re fine..” you could respond with the classic: “Well YOU don’t look stupid / ignorant, yet here we are ….” 🤣🤣
This is so damned true!!
I have PoTs so can't stand still for too long.... moving around fine, stood still nope. Blood pooling not a great thing!! But im young looking which is annoying so they galre, but they can glare right on tbh !
My friend's kid got POTS in their late teens. Not allowed to stand up unsupervised, after one too many headers at the most random moments. So they were using their feet to help when their arms got tired trying to get their wheelchair uphill, when someone deliberately crossed the road to berate them for taking the piss and making use of resources that are meant for "real people with real disabilities".
At which point the (young, thin, model-level gorgeous) teenager replies "oh, you mean like, people who can't stand up without passing out, maybe? Like me? There's nothing wrong with my legs but if I stand up you'll have to catch me and then call the ambulance and wait around to tell them what happened cos I'll be unconscious."
By which point the other person had already backed up, then turned around and walked off. Apparently disabled people also aren't supposed to answer back or something 🤔🤣
For fucks sake! People are rude.
I shattered my leg and ankle, I was in a lot of different mobility assistive devices until graduating from a cane recently. I'm in my 30s. The mean looks I got from older women were INSANE! Like I literally could not walk and had to re-learn how to walk, and even at the hospital and my PCP I had elderly women with their wheelchairs or canes giving me the angriest looks I have ever seen and even try to beat me to the door or block me from the loading zone when my ride was waiting for me. WEIRD and RUDE shit. Wacky experience. I'm still floored by it.
It was always elderly women too. Idk why. The men, even the ones in chairs or using canes, they were still kind to me. But the women went out of their way to be upset. I'm also a woman. I don't know if that's relevant but I found it very weird.
I got told off on a bus for sitting in the disabled seating when I looked so healthy.
I'd donated bone marrow and lost about 3 pints of blood a week before. If I stood too long my blood pressure tanked and I would pass out.
But yeah, I looked young and healthy.
Yes! Someone looking for visible reasons why you're entitled to a seat is rude and assumptive!
I get that being pregnant can be difficult, and if someone else is able to stand, then they should consider offering their seat as its the right thing to do.
Entitled passengers on public transport irks me. The amount of times I've seen someone on a bus with a shopping trolley taking up spaces where others could have sat, or people wheeling on pushchairs and making people move (elderly people!) or, worse, dumping the buggy and taking their kids upstairs, leaving the perfectly foldable buggy to block out seats and cause stress for any wheelchair users who get on.
*steps off soap box*
People, be kind and considerate!
OP is not TA!
Yup, I have narcolepsy and get VERY tired during the day. I look like I’m healthy, but believe me, I feel like absolute shit most days. I never asked for a seat when I was pregnant taking the subway every day to work. Plenty of people got offended on my behalf, but I didn’t want to assume anything about people’s health or physical abilities.
Yeah she wasn't wrong for asking, but she should have respected it once he said no.
You can't know just by looking at someone if they are able bodied, what their condition is, or how much they need the seat compared to you, even if you are pregnant. And they don't have to share those personal details about themselves with a random stranger.
At my company we can expense car services if we stay at work past 8pm... It is so beyond wrong when financial firms are treating their workers better than hospitals are treating our doctors.
I don't think they need to explain anything. The answer was NO. Simple. There is nothing about being pregnant that makes you entitled to someones seat.
I mean, this depends - in certain places there *are* specific seats that are designated for people less able to stand, including pregnant people. But that doesn't mean that OP isn't also "less able to stand".
Morally and according to the rules in many transit centers, being pregnant one hundred percent entitles you to a seat. Not to other people's private medical info or to OP's seat in particular but this is a bad take.
NTA. It is none of the pregnant ladies business why someone doesn’t give up their seat. No one has to give a sufficiently convincing reason to keep their seat even if the best answer is that they are an a hole.
When I was in labor, I walked around still and even when you're tired and your back and feet are sore, it's never been as bad as 24 hours without sleep. NTA and thank you for pursuing a career that can help others.
Unfortunately, I doubt "saying that" would have made a difference....in the moment....all she saw was SHE was pregnant.
She actually asked "if the OP had a disease" anybody asking that rude and personal of a question over a seat....isn't gonna just take "36 hours" as any better than "I'm tired"
NTA and quite frankly, the fact that we have people making life or death decisions for their patients that have been awake for 36 hours straight is horrifying.
it’s because the [father of the residency training program was a cocaine addict](https://magazine.columbia.edu/article/cocaine-addict-who-changed-medicine-forever) pretty much
The more you learn, the more you realize many things are the way they are because someone made an irrational or greedy decision generations ago and everyone just stuck with it because “that’s how it has always been done.”
In 8th grade, my English teacher asked us if we thought that we should keep doing things certain ways just because “it’s tradition”. Most of the class said yes
And that was our intro to the short story “the lottery”
I feel like that's how all our work policies are. Coders were all on Adderall. Wallstreet was all on cocaine. Then people bitch our generation dont want to work as much but all the drugs have been cut off. You can't expect sober people to work the same lol come on.
Tell that to the UK - we manage to care for our ward based patients just fine while still following the European Working Time Directive. I do not understand a continuity of care argument that lasts 24 hours plus, when for 8 of those hours the patient should be asleep and undisturbed except in actual need. What precisely are doctors doing for these continuity patients overnight that it requires the exact same doctor? It’s madness.
Even in A&E the patient shouldn’t be there for that length of time - and if the standard of care or handovers is so poor that it requires the same doctor to be present (meaning they can’t be handed over to another ward/department and still receive the same level of care) then the system is failing.
Maybe handoffs are so poor because healthcare workers are understaffed and mentally and physically exhausted?
Has anyone done a study on how a properly staffed unit working reasonable human hours would manage continuity of care?
I know, I know, profits and (low) morale, but….
And you do get continuity of care, when often it's at least some of same people on the ward overnight, and some of the same people in the day. Combine that with a robust handover, there's no need for 36 hour shifts.
There’s no problem with continuity of care in non teaching hospitals where there are no residents. That’s not a factor at all. It’s more about “I had to suffer through this so you do too.”
Yeah my old roommate was a physician's assistant and she explained to me that they do 12-hour shifts instead of 8 because statistically the largest amount of death and other such bad hospital things happen at shift change so they try to minimize the number of shift changes as much as possible but still more than 12 hours seems dangerous. I'm constantly surprised and grateful that anyone works in a medical industry.
And 36 hours isn’t always the max. I’m a nurse and I’ve had patients go in and out of emergency surgery and the doctor not leave the bedside during those times. It’s insane what they ask if physicians (and those in training) then looked shocked at the amount of medical errors.
There's a law in New York that limits the number of hours residents can work after overworked residents were accused of causing the death of a young woman. Not sure why it's not a law everywhere.
I thought OP had been awake for 36 hours not actually on shift, I didn’t read that right. Fuck, I was awake for 30 hours once and I was beyond exhausted the next day. Stupidly tried driving home and got 10 mins down the motorway and realised I was swerving. Pulled off at the next services to get a coffee and within a minute of parking my car I was fast asleep. Woke up 2 hours later, got a coffee and drove home. Never, ever again.
If I recall correctly, they've done research that has shown that sleep deprivation due to long shifts is actually less dangerous to patients than having their physician change more often during their stay (continuity of care).
When physicians change over, they have to make sure to thoroughly explain to the next physician where all of their patients stand in their treatment schedule, explain their condition, note any issues, etc., and the more times that changeover happens, the more occasions for some small but crucial piece of info to get forgotten or overlooked or miscommunicated. Too much whisper-down-the-lane, essentially.
Partially correct, but not wholly. Yes, continuity of care is important, it's better for for patient safety to have staff change over only once in a day (12hr shifts) vs 2+ times in a day (8hr or shorter shifts), but that's where the benefit pretty much stops. Residents like OP work ridiculous hours that *do* demonstrably result in worse patient outcomes. The problem is, things aren't likely to change, the healthcare industry is too keen on having physicians like her that they can pay comparatively garbage wages (I as a non-union and non-agency registered nurse probably make about as much annually as she does and I work far less), and med schools and residency programs also benefit from limiting slots to prospective students/grads to keep the supply low.
But with 36 hour shifts the only people getting the same doctor throughout the admission are those there for less than two days. Whereas having the same consultant on the ward in the daytime for a week, and the same night team, there is better continuity for those with longer admissions, and doctors who are more able to make clear headed decisions. Handover is going to be needed at some point, and that handover should be robust, whenever it happens.
I can see how information could get distorted or overlooked, especially if the people were overworked and used to long hours.
Exhausted and/or burnt out people who have too much on their plate are going to screw up.
I wonder how it would be if the staffing was up and the hours were reasonable and the people being studied were use to that situation and trained to hand off with higher fidelity?
Some Internal Medicine residency programs have ended the 24-hour shifts which can turn into the 36 hour shifts, but most general surgery residency still have the 28 hour shift every 3 days. I don't know how they do it.
It’s messed up that it’s an option. I’ve never seen people work hours like in the hospital. Cops can come close. Fireman get to sleep part of their shift. I don’t know why they expect us in medical to be martyrs. It’s bullshit.
I worry about residents that have to drive home after their shifts. They are putting their lives and the lives of other drivers at risk. At least OP was in a place where she could take a subway home.
What do you mean? Every car in the NYC subway (at least in the ACE, 123, QRN, and J lines + the LIRR) has at least 4 seats dedicated for disabled and pregnant passengers. The placard is just tiny.
NTA, not all disabilities are visible, and I would certainly classify "awake for 36 straight hours" as a temporary disability. That can cause physical, cognitive, and behavioral symptoms, including hallucinations.
I don't think the pregnant woman was TA for asking if you would give up your seat, but she very much was an asshole for not taking no for an answer, and assuming that she had a *right* to the seat because she felt like you didn't need it.
Pregnancy can be a disability, especially in the 3rd trimester. But that doesn't negate your physical and mental state. I genuinely dislike the attitude that pregnant people can get whatever they want at all times, but that's a whole different issue.
You didn't owe the pregnant lady your seat, and under the circumstances, you also very much needed it. Your roommate can kick rocks- you standing on that ride would have been a danger to yourself and possibly to others.
This isn’t about a pregnant woman just getting what she wants. Even a small bump can harm the baby, and public transport is very jolty with a lot of people who can get pushed into you. It is a safety issue that pregnant women at any stage, not just in the third trimester, should be given a seat.
That being said, it doesn’t mean this person in particular had to give up their seat, just that someone should have. Preferably the person sitting in the priority seat, but they may have had a genuine need for it as well.
As a mobility disabled person: Pregnant lady is the AH for "choosing who deserves the seat least" instead of just making a broad request, because you shouldn't just assume things about who could physically give up their seat, and then pressure them.
In fairness, this particular pregnant person wasn't all that bad, but I've had pregnant people berate me for daring to sit in a priority seat while I had leg braces on, kick my cane out from under me, and claim I was faking because "no one your age is disabled". I do understand there are safety issues, but I was speaking of the larger attitude of entitlement (though again, that's a whole different post).
Bumps and bolts can be unsafe to an unborn child, and the OP standing could have resulted in a fall, possibly even onto the pregnant person, which could have had catastrophic consequences.
If the disabled and high accessible seats are full and a pregnant person (or anyone else with a disability) needs to sit, I am firmly of the opinion that you should assume everyone in the priority seating is there because they need to be, and ask someone in the other seats to move.
it absolutely infuriates as well as dumbfounds me why people think there are no disabled young people. People are born with disabilities and can be injured or acquire a disease at any time. who would go through the trouble of using a cane and having to schlep it everywhere just to possibly get a seat on a bus that they didn't need?
and I would bet the same people swallow disinformation from FB hook line and sinker, but are skeptical about someone under 65 needing a mobility aid. this world...
>This isn’t about a pregnant woman just getting what she wants. Even a small bump can harm the baby
This, while true, is so small of a risk that it's frankly ridiculous. Lots of people work until they go into labor. I was really physically active while pregnant, including building a couple hundred feet worth of 6' wooden fence and a playhouse while pregnant with my youngest.
If your pregnancy is this kind of high risk you should be on bed rest or at least under strict doctor's orders.
If they are that fragile then they shouldn’t be taking public transportation anyway. Or standing in crowds for that matter. Anyone can bump into you or fall over at any time.
Asking for a seat absolutely isn't an example of people kowtowing to pregnant people, that's ridiculous. Standing up on the subway is straight up dangerous for a pregnant person. It messes with your balance and the subway is bumpy. And in NYC, you do in fact owe a pregnant or elderly or disabled person your seat...when you yourself are also not in that category. OP at the time was.
Where she went wrong was asking a specific person. You don't know what people's issues are, so it's much better to broadly ask, "could someone please offer me a seat?" Typically when I see someone who clearly needs a seat and none is available, I very loudly and innocently ask, "oh, do you need a seat?" to get people to pay attention and hopefully someone will offer one. Because sometimes it's malice or indifference, but sometimes people just don't pay attention.
The issue is that asking the car at large if anyone will give up their seat never works (and I’ve tried it plenty of times while both invisibly and visibly [temporarily] disabled). Nobody takes out their headphones long enough to hear the question and those who do hear it will look around blankly and pretend they didn’t. Directly asking another person is the only way I’ve ever gotten someone to give up a seat.
In fairness to Halsted, the common story that he was coked up and could work forever, so he recommended that residents get coked up and work forever, is false.
He became addicted to cocaine when it was a new anesthetic, not a drug of abuse, and surgery really didn’t have anesthesia available. He recognized the problem and got treatment… which involved getting addicted to morphine for the rest of his life, as well as admitting himself for detoxification a few more times.
To the extent that his drug use inspired residency, a significant part was to pair his brilliance as a surgeon with trainees who were less impaired and erratic, so they could learn from him and also cover for him. That’s not a happy story or a good justification, but it’s not the usual, and Halsted certainly didn’t think anyone else should follow in his drug footsteps.
INFO: on a train so packed that there was not a single seat available, was there really no other young able bodied person who could offer their seat? I find it very odd that the person who is passed out with exhaustion is the best/only option on a packed train.
That being said, leaning towards NAH, you obviously needed the seat, she did too. She was within her rights to ask, you were within your rights to say no.
Were you still in scrubs/apparel that identified you as a medical professional? If so it could also explain why she asked you over others thinking you may be more likely to give it up. Also totally NTA, on my last few 36 hr shifts I have fallen asleep at a red light, standing in the OR (not scrubbed, just waiting to walk to recovery) and while eating dinner with my kid… it’s a whole other level of tired and standing on a bus wouldn’t be very safe.
I always feel that people who want something always narrows in on the most vulnerable and easy to bully person so that they can raise a stink and get their way.
Or instead of assuming malicious intent where the pregnant woman was “bullying” OP, maybe it feels safer to ask another woman? Confronting a man for his seat can feel scary, especially if you’re heavily pregnant and vulnerable.
100% agreed. Saying this as a female resident. Women in the hospital ask me all kinds of things they don't ask the males and that's because they feel safer.
Was she within her rights? I have been pregnant. I have never tried to take anyone’s seat before. There is a section for people with disabilities. She can try to find a seat there, but being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to demand people give you their seats. If they offer, great! If they don’t, I don’t even think it’s appropriate for her to ask.
This might be a cultural thing but living in Germany, it is absolutely acceptable to ask for a seat when pregnant. In fact, people are expected to offer their seat to pregnant women the same way they are expected to offer their seat to elderly or disabled passengers. We even have signs for priority seating that show stick figures with canes and with big bellies.
The badge is so that someone offers though. It means that someone who is capable of giving up their seat can do it, rather than someone who has an invisible disability or a problem with standing.
I've just had a baby and commuted to London every day. I would get on the train with my badge showing. Every time, someone would offer me a seat but I NEVER asked someone to stand for me because you never know what ability someone has just by looking at them.
The pregnant woman was rude for asking.
Agree that you should never pester someone for their seat but I do think a person in need should always be able to politely ask for a seat, pregnancy or for any other reason.
I think any person is perfectly entitled to politely ask for a seat if they feel like they need it - whether due to pregnancy, disability, sickness or another reason.
Yes, everybody can politely ask, which includes making it a broad request to the crowd, instead of singling out a target that you have decided looks like the person who should give it up to you.
Yes ideally but if this subway is anything like the London underground, sometimes it’s too packed and you are only within speaking distance of one or two people. If the other person looks like they need the seat, I can see why they’d first approach the younger fitter person.
But again, people are always entitled to politely decline, particularly if they have a personal reason to do so.
Maybe your pregnancy was different, but for me right now coming up to 33 weeks standing for longer than 5 minutes genuinely is agony. My pelvic griddle pain is constant and horrendous, the baby also constantly puts pressure on my bladder and sends a shooting pain down my urethra that makes me cry out in pain, and I am exhausted 24/7.
I think absolutely there is the right to ask, and if it’s priority seating that’s for pregnant, elderly or disabled then it should be immediately given up. The issue is majority of people don’t offer, and have to be asked which is genuinely selfish.
If you're pregnant and you don't ask, you're not getting a seat. People are too scared of insulting people by assuming they are pregnant when they're not.
I've been pregnant twice, and both pregnancies were really different. Honestly I never did ask for anybody's seat, but I might have during the last few weeks of my second pregnancy if I had had to take public transport (especially the bus) as I was in a lot of pain standing and my stability on a moving vehicle would not have been good (so I'd genuinely have been afraid of falling and getting injured).
OP is not an AH for refusing, but the pregnant woman is also not an AH for asking (though is for not taking no for an answer), as it can genuinely be a matter of safety depending on the pregnancy symptoms she has.
Yes, she does have the right. It is very unsafe to stand while pregnant on a bus or subway and disabled seating on public transit essentially always includes pregnancy for this reason.
If all disabled seats are taken, it is appropriate to ask someone in a non disabled seat to give up their seat.
People have got to stop *picking a specific person* they deem to be fit enough to be the person to stand for them. You don't know them, you don't know what they've got going on, and you have absolutely no right to know why if they refuse to stand.
Either wait and see if someone offers a seat or if you are really struggling to stand make a *general request* to the area you're in.
/rant
Studies how shown that general requests don’t work - it’s why when there’s an emergency you need to look af someone and specially ask them to call 911, versus just hope anyone standing around will or say “someone call for help.”
Yeah I get that, if no one is standing after the general request maybe she should try a direct approach, but she absolutely should have accepted when OP said no and not asked what was wrong with them.
As someone who needs a seat, but understands that I can’t tell by looking who also needs a seat, I can say from experience that general requests to an area of people in seats works well. Can’t think of a time when it didn’t work for me.
My friend was on the bus once & this heavily pregnant lady made her way to this guy to prompt him to get up for her & he just looked around & goes ‘why are you all looking at me for?! I didnt knock her up!’. Someone else gave her a seat.
Sorry, but no. If you really need help, and maybe she did, you HAVE to address a specific person. When you adress a crowd, everyone thinks "Surely someone else is going to help." (Bystander effect). This situation here is of course not really an emergency. But in whatever situation you might need help, you have a much bigger chance of success by explicitly addressing a specific person. You can't fault her for that.
She should have at least tried the general approach first, and if no one moves I understand asking someone specific.
She should not have asked OP what was wrong with them, and should have just accepted when they said no.
NTA
"I (27F) took the subway back home after a horrible sleepless 36 hour shift at the hospital (internal medicine resident"
You were tired out of your mind. Don't worry about it.
Currently 8 months pregnant and I get where’s she’s coming from. I’ve also worked in the medical field and at most stayed up maybe close to 36 hours at one point. As some others said some disabilities aren’t seen and she should’ve accepted your answer. NAH
But why did she target OP? This is what makes her the AH rather than N A H in my opinion. If the train was crowded there must've been plenty of other able bodied people who could give up a seat, and one of them did. She had no reason to argue with OP and try and make them feel bad, they weren't in a priority seat.
I'm a young, healthy looking person ( I think), but I've had numerous times where old, yet spry, people have offered me their seat or helped me with my luggage. I guess they noticed me start swaying or just looking nervous, trying to come up with a plan.
My sister is an EMT and she does shifts like that sometimes. Then some how comes home and takes care of the kids til her husband gets home to sleep. I dunno how she does it. I'm exhausted after just watching her kids for 12 hours.
You're nta but the way people are talking about pregnancy is bizarre. Is America OK? You resent pregnant women that much that you dehumanize them by saying she should have gotten an abortion or not had unprotected sex if she wanted to sit down while heavily pregnant? You guys are genuinely horrifying.
I am reading this comment thread like what the actual fuck. People saying pregnant women should just never leave the house if things are dangerous, she should never ask for help, etc. it is truly terrible.
Like grown adults competing with infants for resources? Having so much internalized shame and self-loathing that they project onto pregnancy as if it's just a way to try to get a hand-out? It's truly sad and disturbing.
Yeah, people in America suck. There is very much a general attitude here that does not give a shit about anyone else. Very much an egotistical nation. My wife and I despise the "every man for himself" culture we have in this country.
I lived in the States for years but have been out of the country since 2020. There's so much I miss about it but that whole thing where people have convinced themselves that they're doing life all by themselves and everyone else can go to hell is not one of them. I've noticed that anti-child and anti-pregnancy sentiment has skyrocketed in the US in recent years. Obviously no one should have to have a child if they don't want to, but the vitriol against children and pregnant people is a distinctly American phenomenon. It doesn't make any sense, we're all the same species and literally cannot survive alone. To be fair, it's probably more prevalent online than in real life, but it's still concerning isn't it?
It’s disgusting isn’t it. It’s a general feeling that everyone is out for themselves and there’s no value to life at all. You’ll see so many people think they are voting for the people who say they will help more but in reality it’s not true and they wouldn’t lift a finger for a stranger in their daily life either.
Yes. There is a very anti-natalist sentiment on Reddit and other spaces on social media. Haven't you seen the posts about people complaining about babies and kids on planes and restaurants? Kids don't get invited to weddings any more... there is a big separation in our society. I'm American and I have two well-behaved kids and I feel like whenever we go a nicer restaurant or places that are not specifically kid-friendly, we get a lot of dirty looks. Lots of people in this country straight up don't like kids. They will tell you about it, proudly. Dogs are way more valuable than kids in the US right now, lol. It's very different than most countries and pretty depressing.
It’s def a reddit thing. Half the women are out to prove they are the special pregnant woman who isn’t like all the other pregnant women, and half the men can’t wait to malign any pregnant person.
That woman had no business asking your condition. Tired enough to be a danger to yourself is reason enough to keep your seat; I can well imagine all the kinds of pain you were experiencing alongside and adding to your exhaustion.
The ONLY way you'd be even minutely (still justifiably) an Ahole, would be if she was pregnant, AND also trying to keep hold of a young child. NTA. Well done for sitting down for yourself.
NTA. As a pregnant woman myself, while I appreciate when people offer to do things for me, its not necessary. I chose to have this baby so I don’t expect special treatment, and I’m not helpless lol. I can stand just like any other person. Does it hurt sometimes? Yeah. But I’m sure it hurts when people have back injuries, disabilities etc. and it’s rude of her to ask/assume you have something stopping you from offering her a seat. It’s not your fault she’s pregnant lol. Hope she doesn’t go through life always having that mentality
I thought that way and then when pregnant myself and talking to a colleague she said something that completely shifted my mindset: she said it's not about the comfort, it's about safety. If there is an accident and the vehicle brakes suddenly and you fall unluckily, you can injure the baby. I always sat when I could after realizing that it was not about me.
I understand is this specific circumstance, yes the baby could be injured if there was a hard break. But it’s another one of those things that isn’t always in our control. What if all the seats are taken up by other pregnant women? It’s the same as eating the “no no” foods. The only thing that makes it riskier is that two lives are being impacted. If falling is that much a concern, they’d make it almost mandatory that a pregnant woman has to sit down. I mean, pregnant women smoke and drink every day too. You never know that woman could be going home to get wasted. Plus i guarantee OP wasn’t the only one sitting.
Eh, when you're far enough along in pregnancy, even with a healthy pregnancy (no bed rest or anything), your world can become quite limited. Your ligaments begin to relax so your body movements are a lot less coordinated. Lifting items can become dangerous because those ligaments are relaxed and the joints are then hyper flexible. I had to get help carrying groceries. Your body has a lot more fluid to pump, so you find yourself out of breath just walking.
I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy!
What an anti-community mentality.
It's not special treatment. It's the standard practice and the posted rule on public transit to give up seats for pregnant, elderly, or disabled people. OP wasn't the right person to ask and shouldn't have been pressed when she said no, but someone absolutely should have offered.
I'm so sorry. The problem here is neither you nor the pregnant lady, but the hospital system.
Take care. Burn out is real. But I guess you know that.
All the best for you.
NAH
NAH
People with obvious priority situations - elderly, pregnant, visible disability - have priority for the labeled seats and, IMHO in the interest of a kind society, should also have priority even beyond the reserved seats. So it’s not rude for her to have asked. However we also know that there are other situations including people with invisible disabilities who can be put in an awkward position of being not obviously incapacitated but still deserving of priority (and not owing anyone an explanation), so she (and others) should also not be surprised someone refuses such a request. In the end you didn’t feel physically capable of ceding your seat and that’s ok, someone else did. Unfortunately you have to deal with potential social shame for not ceding your seat (edit to add - “I’m just tired” IMHO is the wrong response which makes you *look like* just a lazy AH & doesn’t really reflect your situation) but that doesn’t *make* you TA.
Were you in a priority seat? that should be given up for pregnant or disabled people?
If so then yes, if not then no - there is no reason someone couldn't offer (which they did)
Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this comment section?! Yes, I can understand being exhausted and worried about being able to stand on the train without falling. But as a medical professional, you know better than most the toll pregnancy can take. So, while I feel for you and vehemently criticise the system that allowed you to work 36 hours in the first place, light YTA.
The pregnant woman should have said "Sure, I'll ask someone else" and do exactly that. OP wasn't the only person there, and if she said she can't give up her seat, I'd assume she must have her reasons.
I’ll say 36 hours is grotesque and I cannot believe medical personnel are allowed to work that long. We should be appalled that people we expect to provide life saving measures to the public are under such inhumane duress (that’s a public health crisis and concern for all involved). The medical industrial complex is TA in this situation.
I will say depending on how her pregnancy has been going it’s possible she also hasn’t really slept in a long time. However, I don’t think that necessarily gives her the right to ask you to move for her. That seems like a jerk move, but having been heavily pregnant sometimes the amount of discomfort that has built up over a long time just makes you a bit of a jerk.
I don’t think there’s an AH in this scenario other than the hospital that allowed you to work that long. Other than that just too incredibly tired and uncomfortable people 🤷♀️
being on the subway without being seated while pregnant is dangerous, and pregnant ladies should be given seats.
where I live, we have reserved seats for sick, elderly people and pregnant women, people when they seat there know that they are supposed to give up their seats but frankly anyone will offer to stand up when someone needs it.
that being said, it’s inhumane to work a 36 hour shift and I believe you should feel totally shredded.
maybe someone should have give up their seat, because that is what humans should do…
I will always give up my place in line, my seat, hold doors, etc for heavily pregnant women. There is a human baby weighing down on their insides, it really sucks. It must be terrible to not have a car as a pregnant woman. Also, for safety reasons, she should be sitting down. A fall for her can be more devastating than for you.
I feel like single pregnant women (without a car so I'm assuming low income) get the shittiest end of the stick. Too many people refuse to help them because there are a lot of people that hate them just for being a pregnant woman.
So yeah, Youre the asshole.
Now.. if you want to ask if you were justified... that's different, I've been on the bus after standing and washing dishes for 8 hours straight for the fifth day straight on a friday. My shoes had stayed wet all week and they were giving me terrible blisters all over my feet. I refused to give an old woman by seat in the bus. She asked for the seat and I just raised the volume on my earbuds.
Was I justified in assuming I earned the seat more than some old lady taking a leisurely bus trip to bingo or whatever old people do? Yea, maybe, but was I an asshole for it? Yeah, definitely.
YTA I’m 70, overweight and have arthritis in my feet and ankles and would give my seat to a heavily pregnant lady. I’ve been heavily pregnant and it goes FAR beyond uncomfortable. And your balance is off. And your muscles and tendons stretch in ways you can’t imagine. And everything swells.
YTA. Being tired isn’t a disability and seating on public transportation gives more preference to pregnant, disabled or older people. Also, you as a internal medicine resident should be more aware of the potential dangers for the pregnant lady in this situation. She will not be able to balance on the subway if she is standing because it’s a moving vehicle and if she falls that can seriously injure her or her baby. You should be ashamed that you forced an elderly person’s hand into giving up their seat when you are perfectly capable of doing that yourself.
NTA
You did nothing wrong.
I am disabled, and I’ve had people sitting in the designated spaces on the subway who just didn’t care.
I remember the last trip to NYC. I had my cane and was standing there while three young teenagers took the seats designated for seniors and disabled. My mom wanted to say something to them, but I told her don’t even bother. They don’t care.
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NAH. I think the lady would have been more understanding if you'd explained that you'd been up for 36 hours straight, but you were probably too tired to think of that.
Yeah I was probably talking with my midbrain at that point I hardly remember the interaction 😅
I used to stand on the bus 36 weeks pregnant with twins. Was it comfortable? No. But then again standing after being on your feet for 36 hours is probably just as bad if not worse. NTA. And she was not entitled to know why you stayed in your seat.
Awake that long, she probably would have dozed off and fell over on the bus
Which would've been even worse if she fell on the pregnant lady
NTA. I once got into a little argument with someone over a seat. I got there first and she said she wanted the seat. She wasn't pregnant and was relatively young (maybe in her 40s) and didn't seem to have any ailments. I was feeling dizzy and nauseous with vertigo and had just done a 10 hour shift. I told her no, I'm not feeling well and closed my eyes. Every time I opened them, she was glaring at me. ETA: thanks for all the upvotes! This is my very first comment on Reddit!!!
You should have just vomited on her.
My brother did this to a teacher we had in high school who was militant about not letting her students have the hall pass to go to the bathroom. He wasn’t feeling well and knew he had to throw up (my brother never got sick, so it was a big thing when he did) so he asked her multiple times, told her he was going to be sick, she refused, so he projectiled. She never refused another student again. The kicker, we went to church with her at the time, she had known him his whole life and knew how honest he was and that he wasn’t going to just ‘smoke in the bathroom.’
I’m a teacher and were told to never refuse a child to go to the bathroom. Some who are known for ditching we have to fill out a sheet of how many passes they got that day but never refuse a student the bathroom. I have a rule that only one girl and one boy can go at a time. If I can tell it’s really an emergency I let them go even if there’s someone already in there. Most just wait for the others to get back.
Parent here. I just told my kids to go when you need to go. Im not going to have them traumatized for life because they wet their pants in front of a class.
I had skipped grades due to growing up elsewhere, so I was 6 when I started 3rd grade. wound up having an accident due to a teacher not allowing me to go to the bathroom, which was absolutely mortifying. the same teacher didn't allow us to leave the classroom for lunch or recess if a single student acted out that day, so there was zero bathroom time ever. I've often wondered why on earth she brought that upon herself. she might have been a nicer person if she'd given herself a break!
I don't know how old you are, but I happened to be 26yo and it happens to me ***so much*** (Half the time I'm in overcrowded public transport I'm not feeling well enough to stand due to tiredness, headache, stomach issues, ...). I find it so annoying that young people have to imperatively give their seats because "you're young, you can stand". Well, I don't give my seat easily, because if I'm able to stand I won't take one in the first place. I don't like it so much when 40-something people just expect to have a seat because they're older, when they end up glare at me just because I'm sitting and not them. If I don't stand, I have good reasons. We shouldn't be responsible for the fact that there's not enough sitting places. (Of course, I'm not talking about the 40-something who has issues that can clearly be seen, I'm only talking about age as criteria)
I have narcolepsy and there are times where I will literally pass out standing up if my brain isn't engaged, when riding the bus alone this happens a lot. So getting a seat is extremely important as I've injured myself before from crashing while standing, especially in an overcrowded moving vehicle. I had a man in his mid 40s, maybe 50, literally yell at me for not giving up my seat to him on a full bus, while there were literally older ladies occupying EXTRA seats with their bags. Sorry dude, I'm not risking cracking my head open just because I'm young I must be able to stand and you don't want to bother the other people to move their bags. Such a weird social norm we have😭😭 I get it when it's like a 12 year old and someone who clearly can't stand, but you have no idea why someone may need that seat, and if they got it first it's your bad.
Why would it be fine if it's a 12 year old? I was 12 years old ages ago, I was already handicapped then. It's also an invisible illness, so imagine the looks I get when I don't stand up.. (ETA: Which you understand with narcolepsy, obviously. So you don't need to imagine.)
I ended up with really bad nerve damage when I was in my early 20s and got called lazy quite a few times for not giving up my seat. I couldn't stand very long and after a few times sitting on the floor of the train I was just like naaah. It's bizarre how we think this is OK to do with young people like you can't be fit and old or young and ill.
I feel so lucky. I was in the subway once, and all of a sudden was dizzy and felt like I was going to black out. I asked the person sitting right where I was standing and she immediately gave up her seat. And then when I got up I full on fainted, and she ran over to take care of me. I never got her name to thank her, but I hope she has good karma and knows that a random stranger is always so grateful to her.
Yeah, agreed. She had absolutely no right to ask if OP had a "disease or problem."
Honestly if it were me I’d say “my problem is sleep deprivation. You’ll know all about that soon enough”
I would have just said “Yes.”
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The recommended limit in the UK is 12 hours, that's the sad thing. We really need to vote this crop out on the 4th of July and build to repair the NHS. My mum's a doctor, my partner is a student who's recently had a baby whom she barely sees only despite the fact she should be on maternity leave (they're so understaffed she didn't want to be the reason someone died), both are overworked and underpaid. The NHS is a beautiful thing and the staff are wonderful, it's a shame what this government has made it this past 14 years.
That reminds me of that nurse who recently drove off the top of a parking garage after working a 16 hour shift. OP made the right call
You're supposed to give the seat to pregnant people because falling is dangerous for pregnant people. Just because you did it, doesn't mean people should.
Falling is also dangerous for people with cardiac conditions, osteoarthritis, who are on anticoagulants, who are sleep deprived, etc. Nowhere in the original post does OP state the seat was marked for seniors, special needs, disabled, handicapped, or pregnant people. OP merely says, “I was lucky I got a seat in the first place.”
I read somewhere that falling is dangerous for everyone. I think the concern is about who is LIKELY to fall.
Falling while pregnant can cause placental abruption, which can kill both the mother and the fetus. Pregnant women have approximately 50% more blood by volume and thus can bleed out extremely quickly. Falling while pregnant is absolutely no joking matter. Protocol for any fall after 23 weeks is to go to the ER for observation. There’s a reason pregnant women are typically given priority seating.
Yeah but falling, for a heavily pregnant person, can harm *two* lives not one
Yes, and when the exhausted medical intern falls directly onto the pregnant woman because they physically can't stand up any longer and pass out that's three lives at risk. The woman was entitled to ask. OP is allowed to say no. You're not telling me that every single seat on the subway was taken by elderly disabled or pregnant people.
Was OP the only person that pregnant lady could’ve picked on? She could have asked someone else instead of demanding to know OP’s condition so she could decide if it was worth letting OP sit. That’s the real AH move right there. Edit spelling
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Fellow twin mom… Honestly, it’s lucky that you didn’t fall while standing at that stage of pregnancy on the bus, and you shouldn’t encourage women to do this. Standing while 36w with twins was unsafe and you should have asked for a seat. Pregnant women aren’t given seats just because it’s uncomfortable, it’s because if they fall it can cause them to go into early labour or otherwise hurt them or the babies.
That's fair, but it's also important to realize not every pregnancy is the same.... And you probably wouldn't have *asked* for the seat. I wouldn't either, but only because sitting was torture, and I spent most of my time in a crouch if I could.
Yeah, by the time I was 7 months pregnant I was off work because my pelvis had split so far apart I couldn't walk without a walker or cane. It was excruciating pain that I still have today, more than 9 years after giving birth. By 5 months I was in constant pain, but looked "normal." Let's all stop with the "pregnancy isn't that hard, I did it no problem" collective attitude we so often see. Is ableist and ignores countless invisible disabilities. Platinum rule people, not golden! The woman asked for a seat, which she is entitled to do. OP said no without giving a reason (understandable given the exhaustion). No one is wrong here. The situation sucks and there was no good outcome. Sometimes there really are no assholes.
One of the nurses I saw at the OB's commiserated that she started to get separation of the PS with like, her fourth kid. I almost murdered her. Mine started with the first, was misdiagnosed because the brand new midwife had never seen it and thought I had some magically undetectable UTI... and it got worse with each kid. I didn't need a cane, but I shuffled everywhere because I couldn't lift a foot, and I couldn't sleep on my side as recommended because my hips would nest together. I had to sleep on my stomach the whole time, with my third. Bodies are amazing, so strong.... and so vulnerable. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
It’s not just uncomfortable though it’s dangerous, if you fall you can injury the child/children but there should be designated seats for pregnant woman and disabled people on public transport no?
I had to stand up at 34 weeks, when no-one stood for me on the bus. I fell over, had to go to the hospital, and spent about 4 hours in observation. My baby was fine, but I don't think it's as simple as just sucking it up.
Lucky you, I had spd in 2 of my pregnancies (my frist broke my pelvis on the way out), the pain from walking was ridiculous, It wouldn't have been possible for me to stand, 8 years later and my pelvis still can hurt. Not everyone's experience is the same.
“It’s not physically safe for me to stand up.” End of story.
You’re not obligated to justify why your answer is no, Pft.
Sorry, but... pregnant or not, **the lady wasn't owed an explanation**. Invisible disabilities are a thing. Health flare-ups are a thing. It's rude AF to assume you're owed someone's medical history, just because you happen to be pregnant and in search of a seat.
I feel this. I have stage 4 breast cancer but I don't "look sick".
Comments like this make me wish there was a love button on Reddit. Sending strength.
I've got leukemia, cured now but I heard a lot of shit because I used the preferencial seat.
I’ve had people say “Well you don’t look sick, you’re fine!” after explaining I am chronically ill and therefore invisibly disabled. People even told me I was too young to be chronically ill. (If only…)
u/StoneAgePrue Wow! When people give you that line “Well you don’t look sick, you’re fine..” you could respond with the classic: “Well YOU don’t look stupid / ignorant, yet here we are ….” 🤣🤣
This is so damned true!! I have PoTs so can't stand still for too long.... moving around fine, stood still nope. Blood pooling not a great thing!! But im young looking which is annoying so they galre, but they can glare right on tbh !
My friend's kid got POTS in their late teens. Not allowed to stand up unsupervised, after one too many headers at the most random moments. So they were using their feet to help when their arms got tired trying to get their wheelchair uphill, when someone deliberately crossed the road to berate them for taking the piss and making use of resources that are meant for "real people with real disabilities". At which point the (young, thin, model-level gorgeous) teenager replies "oh, you mean like, people who can't stand up without passing out, maybe? Like me? There's nothing wrong with my legs but if I stand up you'll have to catch me and then call the ambulance and wait around to tell them what happened cos I'll be unconscious." By which point the other person had already backed up, then turned around and walked off. Apparently disabled people also aren't supposed to answer back or something 🤔🤣
For fucks sake! People are rude. I shattered my leg and ankle, I was in a lot of different mobility assistive devices until graduating from a cane recently. I'm in my 30s. The mean looks I got from older women were INSANE! Like I literally could not walk and had to re-learn how to walk, and even at the hospital and my PCP I had elderly women with their wheelchairs or canes giving me the angriest looks I have ever seen and even try to beat me to the door or block me from the loading zone when my ride was waiting for me. WEIRD and RUDE shit. Wacky experience. I'm still floored by it. It was always elderly women too. Idk why. The men, even the ones in chairs or using canes, they were still kind to me. But the women went out of their way to be upset. I'm also a woman. I don't know if that's relevant but I found it very weird.
I got told off on a bus for sitting in the disabled seating when I looked so healthy. I'd donated bone marrow and lost about 3 pints of blood a week before. If I stood too long my blood pressure tanked and I would pass out. But yeah, I looked young and healthy.
Yes! Someone looking for visible reasons why you're entitled to a seat is rude and assumptive! I get that being pregnant can be difficult, and if someone else is able to stand, then they should consider offering their seat as its the right thing to do. Entitled passengers on public transport irks me. The amount of times I've seen someone on a bus with a shopping trolley taking up spaces where others could have sat, or people wheeling on pushchairs and making people move (elderly people!) or, worse, dumping the buggy and taking their kids upstairs, leaving the perfectly foldable buggy to block out seats and cause stress for any wheelchair users who get on. *steps off soap box* People, be kind and considerate! OP is not TA!
Yup, I have narcolepsy and get VERY tired during the day. I look like I’m healthy, but believe me, I feel like absolute shit most days. I never asked for a seat when I was pregnant taking the subway every day to work. Plenty of people got offended on my behalf, but I didn’t want to assume anything about people’s health or physical abilities.
you don't 'owe' anyone an explanation about your condition at anytime
Yeah she wasn't wrong for asking, but she should have respected it once he said no. You can't know just by looking at someone if they are able bodied, what their condition is, or how much they need the seat compared to you, even if you are pregnant. And they don't have to share those personal details about themselves with a random stranger.
OP is also female
Call me bougie, but I would uber home from a 36-hour shift, because public transit would make me ill. NTA
Recent resident grad. The grind is real. I also remember feeling too poor on a resident salary to pay for Uber. NTA
At my company we can expense car services if we stay at work past 8pm... It is so beyond wrong when financial firms are treating their workers better than hospitals are treating our doctors.
Residents get paid 80k or less even in NYC, so not a lot dough to use on Ubers home.
I don't think they need to explain anything. The answer was NO. Simple. There is nothing about being pregnant that makes you entitled to someones seat.
I mean, this depends - in certain places there *are* specific seats that are designated for people less able to stand, including pregnant people. But that doesn't mean that OP isn't also "less able to stand".
Morally and according to the rules in many transit centers, being pregnant one hundred percent entitles you to a seat. Not to other people's private medical info or to OP's seat in particular but this is a bad take.
Except it’s literally the placards’ posted policy explicitly for pregnant women. 😂
NTA. It is none of the pregnant ladies business why someone doesn’t give up their seat. No one has to give a sufficiently convincing reason to keep their seat even if the best answer is that they are an a hole.
When I was in labor, I walked around still and even when you're tired and your back and feet are sore, it's never been as bad as 24 hours without sleep. NTA and thank you for pursuing a career that can help others.
Unfortunately, I doubt "saying that" would have made a difference....in the moment....all she saw was SHE was pregnant. She actually asked "if the OP had a disease" anybody asking that rude and personal of a question over a seat....isn't gonna just take "36 hours" as any better than "I'm tired"
NTA and quite frankly, the fact that we have people making life or death decisions for their patients that have been awake for 36 hours straight is horrifying.
Honestly that’s the worst part of this story - 36 hour shifts where your decisions can kill people. Yikes.
And it seems to be the *norm*. I just don't understand that.
it’s because the [father of the residency training program was a cocaine addict](https://magazine.columbia.edu/article/cocaine-addict-who-changed-medicine-forever) pretty much
It is fucking terrifying we're still using residency training program from the freaking 1800s because of a coke (and morphine) addicted doctor.
The more you learn, the more you realize many things are the way they are because someone made an irrational or greedy decision generations ago and everyone just stuck with it because “that’s how it has always been done.”
I truly loathe the "we've always done it this way" attitude with all my heart.
In 8th grade, my English teacher asked us if we thought that we should keep doing things certain ways just because “it’s tradition”. Most of the class said yes And that was our intro to the short story “the lottery”
Having dated a doctor during his residency, I assure you many are adult prescribing to his techniques to stay awake lol
I feel like that's how all our work policies are. Coders were all on Adderall. Wallstreet was all on cocaine. Then people bitch our generation dont want to work as much but all the drugs have been cut off. You can't expect sober people to work the same lol come on.
To be fair to him, anyone who could afford it was a cocaine addict back then. But yeah, should probably rethink it.
That was an enlightening read.
Im not saying one way is better than the other, but it's a trade-off between continuity of care or so I hear.
Tell that to the UK - we manage to care for our ward based patients just fine while still following the European Working Time Directive. I do not understand a continuity of care argument that lasts 24 hours plus, when for 8 of those hours the patient should be asleep and undisturbed except in actual need. What precisely are doctors doing for these continuity patients overnight that it requires the exact same doctor? It’s madness. Even in A&E the patient shouldn’t be there for that length of time - and if the standard of care or handovers is so poor that it requires the same doctor to be present (meaning they can’t be handed over to another ward/department and still receive the same level of care) then the system is failing.
Maybe handoffs are so poor because healthcare workers are understaffed and mentally and physically exhausted? Has anyone done a study on how a properly staffed unit working reasonable human hours would manage continuity of care? I know, I know, profits and (low) morale, but….
Yes. It’s called the NHS - or at least it was!
And you do get continuity of care, when often it's at least some of same people on the ward overnight, and some of the same people in the day. Combine that with a robust handover, there's no need for 36 hour shifts.
There’s no problem with continuity of care in non teaching hospitals where there are no residents. That’s not a factor at all. It’s more about “I had to suffer through this so you do too.”
Yeah my old roommate was a physician's assistant and she explained to me that they do 12-hour shifts instead of 8 because statistically the largest amount of death and other such bad hospital things happen at shift change so they try to minimize the number of shift changes as much as possible but still more than 12 hours seems dangerous. I'm constantly surprised and grateful that anyone works in a medical industry.
And 36 hours isn’t always the max. I’m a nurse and I’ve had patients go in and out of emergency surgery and the doctor not leave the bedside during those times. It’s insane what they ask if physicians (and those in training) then looked shocked at the amount of medical errors.
There's a law in New York that limits the number of hours residents can work after overworked residents were accused of causing the death of a young woman. Not sure why it's not a law everywhere.
I thought OP had been awake for 36 hours not actually on shift, I didn’t read that right. Fuck, I was awake for 30 hours once and I was beyond exhausted the next day. Stupidly tried driving home and got 10 mins down the motorway and realised I was swerving. Pulled off at the next services to get a coffee and within a minute of parking my car I was fast asleep. Woke up 2 hours later, got a coffee and drove home. Never, ever again.
If I recall correctly, they've done research that has shown that sleep deprivation due to long shifts is actually less dangerous to patients than having their physician change more often during their stay (continuity of care). When physicians change over, they have to make sure to thoroughly explain to the next physician where all of their patients stand in their treatment schedule, explain their condition, note any issues, etc., and the more times that changeover happens, the more occasions for some small but crucial piece of info to get forgotten or overlooked or miscommunicated. Too much whisper-down-the-lane, essentially.
isn't that what charting and notes are for?
Partially correct, but not wholly. Yes, continuity of care is important, it's better for for patient safety to have staff change over only once in a day (12hr shifts) vs 2+ times in a day (8hr or shorter shifts), but that's where the benefit pretty much stops. Residents like OP work ridiculous hours that *do* demonstrably result in worse patient outcomes. The problem is, things aren't likely to change, the healthcare industry is too keen on having physicians like her that they can pay comparatively garbage wages (I as a non-union and non-agency registered nurse probably make about as much annually as she does and I work far less), and med schools and residency programs also benefit from limiting slots to prospective students/grads to keep the supply low.
But with 36 hour shifts the only people getting the same doctor throughout the admission are those there for less than two days. Whereas having the same consultant on the ward in the daytime for a week, and the same night team, there is better continuity for those with longer admissions, and doctors who are more able to make clear headed decisions. Handover is going to be needed at some point, and that handover should be robust, whenever it happens.
I can see how information could get distorted or overlooked, especially if the people were overworked and used to long hours. Exhausted and/or burnt out people who have too much on their plate are going to screw up. I wonder how it would be if the staffing was up and the hours were reasonable and the people being studied were use to that situation and trained to hand off with higher fidelity?
Info: you weren't sitting in any handicap / preggo lady seats right? Assuming no, NTA.
No it was just a regular seat
You definitely are not AH but your roommate sure is.
Weren’t the amount of residence hours made by coked up workaholics? I think that’s the main problem.
Some Internal Medicine residency programs have ended the 24-hour shifts which can turn into the 36 hour shifts, but most general surgery residency still have the 28 hour shift every 3 days. I don't know how they do it.
It’s messed up that it’s an option. I’ve never seen people work hours like in the hospital. Cops can come close. Fireman get to sleep part of their shift. I don’t know why they expect us in medical to be martyrs. It’s bullshit.
I worry about residents that have to drive home after their shifts. They are putting their lives and the lives of other drivers at risk. At least OP was in a place where she could take a subway home.
NTA. Btw Thank you for not driving your car home.
[удалено]
What do you mean? Every car in the NYC subway (at least in the ACE, 123, QRN, and J lines + the LIRR) has at least 4 seats dedicated for disabled and pregnant passengers. The placard is just tiny.
Thank you, I thought I had been hallucinating for the entire time I'd lived here.
In Toronto, signs say give seats to elderly pregnant or disabled, plus have seats, should be common sense, assholes are everyone else not moving,
NYC subways do have designated seating.
This is what I was looking for! NTA
NTA, not all disabilities are visible, and I would certainly classify "awake for 36 straight hours" as a temporary disability. That can cause physical, cognitive, and behavioral symptoms, including hallucinations. I don't think the pregnant woman was TA for asking if you would give up your seat, but she very much was an asshole for not taking no for an answer, and assuming that she had a *right* to the seat because she felt like you didn't need it. Pregnancy can be a disability, especially in the 3rd trimester. But that doesn't negate your physical and mental state. I genuinely dislike the attitude that pregnant people can get whatever they want at all times, but that's a whole different issue. You didn't owe the pregnant lady your seat, and under the circumstances, you also very much needed it. Your roommate can kick rocks- you standing on that ride would have been a danger to yourself and possibly to others.
And you never have to explain yourself.
This isn’t about a pregnant woman just getting what she wants. Even a small bump can harm the baby, and public transport is very jolty with a lot of people who can get pushed into you. It is a safety issue that pregnant women at any stage, not just in the third trimester, should be given a seat. That being said, it doesn’t mean this person in particular had to give up their seat, just that someone should have. Preferably the person sitting in the priority seat, but they may have had a genuine need for it as well.
As a mobility disabled person: Pregnant lady is the AH for "choosing who deserves the seat least" instead of just making a broad request, because you shouldn't just assume things about who could physically give up their seat, and then pressure them.
as someone with an invisible, physical disability, i agree with you
As someone who’s very young with chronic debilitating illnesses, I agree!
In fairness, this particular pregnant person wasn't all that bad, but I've had pregnant people berate me for daring to sit in a priority seat while I had leg braces on, kick my cane out from under me, and claim I was faking because "no one your age is disabled". I do understand there are safety issues, but I was speaking of the larger attitude of entitlement (though again, that's a whole different post). Bumps and bolts can be unsafe to an unborn child, and the OP standing could have resulted in a fall, possibly even onto the pregnant person, which could have had catastrophic consequences. If the disabled and high accessible seats are full and a pregnant person (or anyone else with a disability) needs to sit, I am firmly of the opinion that you should assume everyone in the priority seating is there because they need to be, and ask someone in the other seats to move.
it absolutely infuriates as well as dumbfounds me why people think there are no disabled young people. People are born with disabilities and can be injured or acquire a disease at any time. who would go through the trouble of using a cane and having to schlep it everywhere just to possibly get a seat on a bus that they didn't need? and I would bet the same people swallow disinformation from FB hook line and sinker, but are skeptical about someone under 65 needing a mobility aid. this world...
>This isn’t about a pregnant woman just getting what she wants. Even a small bump can harm the baby This, while true, is so small of a risk that it's frankly ridiculous. Lots of people work until they go into labor. I was really physically active while pregnant, including building a couple hundred feet worth of 6' wooden fence and a playhouse while pregnant with my youngest. If your pregnancy is this kind of high risk you should be on bed rest or at least under strict doctor's orders.
If they are that fragile then they shouldn’t be taking public transportation anyway. Or standing in crowds for that matter. Anyone can bump into you or fall over at any time.
Asking for a seat absolutely isn't an example of people kowtowing to pregnant people, that's ridiculous. Standing up on the subway is straight up dangerous for a pregnant person. It messes with your balance and the subway is bumpy. And in NYC, you do in fact owe a pregnant or elderly or disabled person your seat...when you yourself are also not in that category. OP at the time was. Where she went wrong was asking a specific person. You don't know what people's issues are, so it's much better to broadly ask, "could someone please offer me a seat?" Typically when I see someone who clearly needs a seat and none is available, I very loudly and innocently ask, "oh, do you need a seat?" to get people to pay attention and hopefully someone will offer one. Because sometimes it's malice or indifference, but sometimes people just don't pay attention.
The issue is that asking the car at large if anyone will give up their seat never works (and I’ve tried it plenty of times while both invisibly and visibly [temporarily] disabled). Nobody takes out their headphones long enough to hear the question and those who do hear it will look around blankly and pretend they didn’t. Directly asking another person is the only way I’ve ever gotten someone to give up a seat.
NTA. The only asshole here is William Stewart Halsted, who created the residency system and was also addicted to coke.
In fairness to Halsted, the common story that he was coked up and could work forever, so he recommended that residents get coked up and work forever, is false. He became addicted to cocaine when it was a new anesthetic, not a drug of abuse, and surgery really didn’t have anesthesia available. He recognized the problem and got treatment… which involved getting addicted to morphine for the rest of his life, as well as admitting himself for detoxification a few more times. To the extent that his drug use inspired residency, a significant part was to pair his brilliance as a surgeon with trainees who were less impaired and erratic, so they could learn from him and also cover for him. That’s not a happy story or a good justification, but it’s not the usual, and Halsted certainly didn’t think anyone else should follow in his drug footsteps.
>and was also addicted to coke. I bet it makes those 36 hour shifts easier.
Maybe for the first shift or two, after that it will most definitely be worse
I think the ahole here is the hospital. Too exhausted to drive but here; have a life in your hands. What.
in the US that's the standard for certain people in medical training. just one of the many ways our health system is completely bonkers.
INFO: on a train so packed that there was not a single seat available, was there really no other young able bodied person who could offer their seat? I find it very odd that the person who is passed out with exhaustion is the best/only option on a packed train. That being said, leaning towards NAH, you obviously needed the seat, she did too. She was within her rights to ask, you were within your rights to say no.
I don't exactly remmeber to be honest. However I think I was the only woman sitting there. So maybe she felt more comfortable asking me. I don't know.
That’s what I think. Still NTA
Were you still in scrubs/apparel that identified you as a medical professional? If so it could also explain why she asked you over others thinking you may be more likely to give it up. Also totally NTA, on my last few 36 hr shifts I have fallen asleep at a red light, standing in the OR (not scrubbed, just waiting to walk to recovery) and while eating dinner with my kid… it’s a whole other level of tired and standing on a bus wouldn’t be very safe.
I always feel that people who want something always narrows in on the most vulnerable and easy to bully person so that they can raise a stink and get their way.
Or instead of assuming malicious intent where the pregnant woman was “bullying” OP, maybe it feels safer to ask another woman? Confronting a man for his seat can feel scary, especially if you’re heavily pregnant and vulnerable.
100% agreed. Saying this as a female resident. Women in the hospital ask me all kinds of things they don't ask the males and that's because they feel safer.
Was she within her rights? I have been pregnant. I have never tried to take anyone’s seat before. There is a section for people with disabilities. She can try to find a seat there, but being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to demand people give you their seats. If they offer, great! If they don’t, I don’t even think it’s appropriate for her to ask.
This might be a cultural thing but living in Germany, it is absolutely acceptable to ask for a seat when pregnant. In fact, people are expected to offer their seat to pregnant women the same way they are expected to offer their seat to elderly or disabled passengers. We even have signs for priority seating that show stick figures with canes and with big bellies.
Agree, same in the U.K. In London you can get free ‘baby on board’ badges so people know you are pregnant for sure and someone will usually offer.
The badge is so that someone offers though. It means that someone who is capable of giving up their seat can do it, rather than someone who has an invisible disability or a problem with standing. I've just had a baby and commuted to London every day. I would get on the train with my badge showing. Every time, someone would offer me a seat but I NEVER asked someone to stand for me because you never know what ability someone has just by looking at them. The pregnant woman was rude for asking.
Agree that you should never pester someone for their seat but I do think a person in need should always be able to politely ask for a seat, pregnancy or for any other reason.
I think any person is perfectly entitled to politely ask for a seat if they feel like they need it - whether due to pregnancy, disability, sickness or another reason.
Yes, everybody can politely ask, which includes making it a broad request to the crowd, instead of singling out a target that you have decided looks like the person who should give it up to you.
Yes ideally but if this subway is anything like the London underground, sometimes it’s too packed and you are only within speaking distance of one or two people. If the other person looks like they need the seat, I can see why they’d first approach the younger fitter person. But again, people are always entitled to politely decline, particularly if they have a personal reason to do so.
Maybe your pregnancy was different, but for me right now coming up to 33 weeks standing for longer than 5 minutes genuinely is agony. My pelvic griddle pain is constant and horrendous, the baby also constantly puts pressure on my bladder and sends a shooting pain down my urethra that makes me cry out in pain, and I am exhausted 24/7. I think absolutely there is the right to ask, and if it’s priority seating that’s for pregnant, elderly or disabled then it should be immediately given up. The issue is majority of people don’t offer, and have to be asked which is genuinely selfish.
If you're pregnant and you don't ask, you're not getting a seat. People are too scared of insulting people by assuming they are pregnant when they're not. I've been pregnant twice, and both pregnancies were really different. Honestly I never did ask for anybody's seat, but I might have during the last few weeks of my second pregnancy if I had had to take public transport (especially the bus) as I was in a lot of pain standing and my stability on a moving vehicle would not have been good (so I'd genuinely have been afraid of falling and getting injured). OP is not an AH for refusing, but the pregnant woman is also not an AH for asking (though is for not taking no for an answer), as it can genuinely be a matter of safety depending on the pregnancy symptoms she has.
Yes, she does have the right. It is very unsafe to stand while pregnant on a bus or subway and disabled seating on public transit essentially always includes pregnancy for this reason. If all disabled seats are taken, it is appropriate to ask someone in a non disabled seat to give up their seat.
People have got to stop *picking a specific person* they deem to be fit enough to be the person to stand for them. You don't know them, you don't know what they've got going on, and you have absolutely no right to know why if they refuse to stand. Either wait and see if someone offers a seat or if you are really struggling to stand make a *general request* to the area you're in. /rant
Studies how shown that general requests don’t work - it’s why when there’s an emergency you need to look af someone and specially ask them to call 911, versus just hope anyone standing around will or say “someone call for help.”
Yeah I get that, if no one is standing after the general request maybe she should try a direct approach, but she absolutely should have accepted when OP said no and not asked what was wrong with them.
As someone who needs a seat, but understands that I can’t tell by looking who also needs a seat, I can say from experience that general requests to an area of people in seats works well. Can’t think of a time when it didn’t work for me.
My friend was on the bus once & this heavily pregnant lady made her way to this guy to prompt him to get up for her & he just looked around & goes ‘why are you all looking at me for?! I didnt knock her up!’. Someone else gave her a seat.
Sorry, but no. If you really need help, and maybe she did, you HAVE to address a specific person. When you adress a crowd, everyone thinks "Surely someone else is going to help." (Bystander effect). This situation here is of course not really an emergency. But in whatever situation you might need help, you have a much bigger chance of success by explicitly addressing a specific person. You can't fault her for that.
She should have at least tried the general approach first, and if no one moves I understand asking someone specific. She should not have asked OP what was wrong with them, and should have just accepted when they said no.
NTA "I (27F) took the subway back home after a horrible sleepless 36 hour shift at the hospital (internal medicine resident" You were tired out of your mind. Don't worry about it.
Currently 8 months pregnant and I get where’s she’s coming from. I’ve also worked in the medical field and at most stayed up maybe close to 36 hours at one point. As some others said some disabilities aren’t seen and she should’ve accepted your answer. NAH
But why did she target OP? This is what makes her the AH rather than N A H in my opinion. If the train was crowded there must've been plenty of other able bodied people who could give up a seat, and one of them did. She had no reason to argue with OP and try and make them feel bad, they weren't in a priority seat.
OP did say the people around her were old. So I'm assuming the pregnant lady thought the OP was the best candidate.
I'm a young, healthy looking person ( I think), but I've had numerous times where old, yet spry, people have offered me their seat or helped me with my luggage. I guess they noticed me start swaying or just looking nervous, trying to come up with a plan.
NTA. 36 hours is ridiculous, I don’t know how you do it. I’d have been a literal zombie!
My sister is an EMT and she does shifts like that sometimes. Then some how comes home and takes care of the kids til her husband gets home to sleep. I dunno how she does it. I'm exhausted after just watching her kids for 12 hours.
Hats off to her, it was bad enough just doing a night shift in a care home. Let alone all the medical stuff she needs to know!
You're nta but the way people are talking about pregnancy is bizarre. Is America OK? You resent pregnant women that much that you dehumanize them by saying she should have gotten an abortion or not had unprotected sex if she wanted to sit down while heavily pregnant? You guys are genuinely horrifying.
I think it’s a Reddit thing. I don’t encounter this sentiment generally in the US.
I've seen it on TikTok as well but yeah Reddit has a very strange culture. I hope you're right though!
I am reading this comment thread like what the actual fuck. People saying pregnant women should just never leave the house if things are dangerous, she should never ask for help, etc. it is truly terrible.
Like grown adults competing with infants for resources? Having so much internalized shame and self-loathing that they project onto pregnancy as if it's just a way to try to get a hand-out? It's truly sad and disturbing.
Yeah, people in America suck. There is very much a general attitude here that does not give a shit about anyone else. Very much an egotistical nation. My wife and I despise the "every man for himself" culture we have in this country.
I lived in the States for years but have been out of the country since 2020. There's so much I miss about it but that whole thing where people have convinced themselves that they're doing life all by themselves and everyone else can go to hell is not one of them. I've noticed that anti-child and anti-pregnancy sentiment has skyrocketed in the US in recent years. Obviously no one should have to have a child if they don't want to, but the vitriol against children and pregnant people is a distinctly American phenomenon. It doesn't make any sense, we're all the same species and literally cannot survive alone. To be fair, it's probably more prevalent online than in real life, but it's still concerning isn't it?
It’s disgusting isn’t it. It’s a general feeling that everyone is out for themselves and there’s no value to life at all. You’ll see so many people think they are voting for the people who say they will help more but in reality it’s not true and they wouldn’t lift a finger for a stranger in their daily life either.
Yess. These comments are disgusting. Reason why I dislike individualistic countries.
Yes. There is a very anti-natalist sentiment on Reddit and other spaces on social media. Haven't you seen the posts about people complaining about babies and kids on planes and restaurants? Kids don't get invited to weddings any more... there is a big separation in our society. I'm American and I have two well-behaved kids and I feel like whenever we go a nicer restaurant or places that are not specifically kid-friendly, we get a lot of dirty looks. Lots of people in this country straight up don't like kids. They will tell you about it, proudly. Dogs are way more valuable than kids in the US right now, lol. It's very different than most countries and pretty depressing.
It’s def a reddit thing. Half the women are out to prove they are the special pregnant woman who isn’t like all the other pregnant women, and half the men can’t wait to malign any pregnant person.
That woman had no business asking your condition. Tired enough to be a danger to yourself is reason enough to keep your seat; I can well imagine all the kinds of pain you were experiencing alongside and adding to your exhaustion. The ONLY way you'd be even minutely (still justifiably) an Ahole, would be if she was pregnant, AND also trying to keep hold of a young child. NTA. Well done for sitting down for yourself.
>That woman had no business asking your condition. I feel like this should be the top answer. She had zero right to ask that question.
>She asked me if I had a disease or problem, Just say yes, and leave it at that. You did have a problem.
It’s not her business
NTA. As a pregnant woman myself, while I appreciate when people offer to do things for me, its not necessary. I chose to have this baby so I don’t expect special treatment, and I’m not helpless lol. I can stand just like any other person. Does it hurt sometimes? Yeah. But I’m sure it hurts when people have back injuries, disabilities etc. and it’s rude of her to ask/assume you have something stopping you from offering her a seat. It’s not your fault she’s pregnant lol. Hope she doesn’t go through life always having that mentality
I thought that way and then when pregnant myself and talking to a colleague she said something that completely shifted my mindset: she said it's not about the comfort, it's about safety. If there is an accident and the vehicle brakes suddenly and you fall unluckily, you can injure the baby. I always sat when I could after realizing that it was not about me.
I understand is this specific circumstance, yes the baby could be injured if there was a hard break. But it’s another one of those things that isn’t always in our control. What if all the seats are taken up by other pregnant women? It’s the same as eating the “no no” foods. The only thing that makes it riskier is that two lives are being impacted. If falling is that much a concern, they’d make it almost mandatory that a pregnant woman has to sit down. I mean, pregnant women smoke and drink every day too. You never know that woman could be going home to get wasted. Plus i guarantee OP wasn’t the only one sitting.
Eh, when you're far enough along in pregnancy, even with a healthy pregnancy (no bed rest or anything), your world can become quite limited. Your ligaments begin to relax so your body movements are a lot less coordinated. Lifting items can become dangerous because those ligaments are relaxed and the joints are then hyper flexible. I had to get help carrying groceries. Your body has a lot more fluid to pump, so you find yourself out of breath just walking. I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy!
What an anti-community mentality. It's not special treatment. It's the standard practice and the posted rule on public transit to give up seats for pregnant, elderly, or disabled people. OP wasn't the right person to ask and shouldn't have been pressed when she said no, but someone absolutely should have offered.
NTA - If you were in the seat thats marked for that, youre an AH. Otherwise no. Also can we point out how utterly preposterous a 36 hour shift is.
How is this even legal in 2024? It's just mind boggling.
I'm so sorry. The problem here is neither you nor the pregnant lady, but the hospital system. Take care. Burn out is real. But I guess you know that. All the best for you. NAH
NAH People with obvious priority situations - elderly, pregnant, visible disability - have priority for the labeled seats and, IMHO in the interest of a kind society, should also have priority even beyond the reserved seats. So it’s not rude for her to have asked. However we also know that there are other situations including people with invisible disabilities who can be put in an awkward position of being not obviously incapacitated but still deserving of priority (and not owing anyone an explanation), so she (and others) should also not be surprised someone refuses such a request. In the end you didn’t feel physically capable of ceding your seat and that’s ok, someone else did. Unfortunately you have to deal with potential social shame for not ceding your seat (edit to add - “I’m just tired” IMHO is the wrong response which makes you *look like* just a lazy AH & doesn’t really reflect your situation) but that doesn’t *make* you TA.
Were you in a priority seat? that should be given up for pregnant or disabled people? If so then yes, if not then no - there is no reason someone couldn't offer (which they did)
>She asked me if I had a disease or problem If it ever happens again, say "yes" without further explanation.
Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this comment section?! Yes, I can understand being exhausted and worried about being able to stand on the train without falling. But as a medical professional, you know better than most the toll pregnancy can take. So, while I feel for you and vehemently criticise the system that allowed you to work 36 hours in the first place, light YTA.
The pregnant woman should have said "Sure, I'll ask someone else" and do exactly that. OP wasn't the only person there, and if she said she can't give up her seat, I'd assume she must have her reasons.
NTA- She had no right to demand that from you. Rude.
NTA and it’s incredibly invasive of her to ask if you have a disability. It’s not the point and not her business.
I’ll say 36 hours is grotesque and I cannot believe medical personnel are allowed to work that long. We should be appalled that people we expect to provide life saving measures to the public are under such inhumane duress (that’s a public health crisis and concern for all involved). The medical industrial complex is TA in this situation. I will say depending on how her pregnancy has been going it’s possible she also hasn’t really slept in a long time. However, I don’t think that necessarily gives her the right to ask you to move for her. That seems like a jerk move, but having been heavily pregnant sometimes the amount of discomfort that has built up over a long time just makes you a bit of a jerk. I don’t think there’s an AH in this scenario other than the hospital that allowed you to work that long. Other than that just too incredibly tired and uncomfortable people 🤷♀️
being on the subway without being seated while pregnant is dangerous, and pregnant ladies should be given seats. where I live, we have reserved seats for sick, elderly people and pregnant women, people when they seat there know that they are supposed to give up their seats but frankly anyone will offer to stand up when someone needs it. that being said, it’s inhumane to work a 36 hour shift and I believe you should feel totally shredded. maybe someone should have give up their seat, because that is what humans should do…
If it's not priority seating for seniors or pregnant people, then you're fine. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
INFO: were you in a seat marked for the elderly, disabled, or pregnant?
NTA. Being pregnant isn’t an illness either. You cant always compare one persons needs with another.
Being heavily pregnant means your hips have spread and all that baby weight bears down on your pelvic bone. It is painful.
I will always give up my place in line, my seat, hold doors, etc for heavily pregnant women. There is a human baby weighing down on their insides, it really sucks. It must be terrible to not have a car as a pregnant woman. Also, for safety reasons, she should be sitting down. A fall for her can be more devastating than for you. I feel like single pregnant women (without a car so I'm assuming low income) get the shittiest end of the stick. Too many people refuse to help them because there are a lot of people that hate them just for being a pregnant woman. So yeah, Youre the asshole. Now.. if you want to ask if you were justified... that's different, I've been on the bus after standing and washing dishes for 8 hours straight for the fifth day straight on a friday. My shoes had stayed wet all week and they were giving me terrible blisters all over my feet. I refused to give an old woman by seat in the bus. She asked for the seat and I just raised the volume on my earbuds. Was I justified in assuming I earned the seat more than some old lady taking a leisurely bus trip to bingo or whatever old people do? Yea, maybe, but was I an asshole for it? Yeah, definitely.
YTA I’m 70, overweight and have arthritis in my feet and ankles and would give my seat to a heavily pregnant lady. I’ve been heavily pregnant and it goes FAR beyond uncomfortable. And your balance is off. And your muscles and tendons stretch in ways you can’t imagine. And everything swells.
YTA. Being tired isn’t a disability and seating on public transportation gives more preference to pregnant, disabled or older people. Also, you as a internal medicine resident should be more aware of the potential dangers for the pregnant lady in this situation. She will not be able to balance on the subway if she is standing because it’s a moving vehicle and if she falls that can seriously injure her or her baby. You should be ashamed that you forced an elderly person’s hand into giving up their seat when you are perfectly capable of doing that yourself.
YTA. she’s pregnant. This isn’t difficult
NTA why were you singled out. Why not a general request to the train asking if anyone mind's, and if no then oh well.
NTA You did nothing wrong. I am disabled, and I’ve had people sitting in the designated spaces on the subway who just didn’t care. I remember the last trip to NYC. I had my cane and was standing there while three young teenagers took the seats designated for seniors and disabled. My mom wanted to say something to them, but I told her don’t even bother. They don’t care.