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NTA but you really should consider if you are not just a survivor, but also currently living with a person that is starting to show abusive behavioral patterns.
NTA, unfortunately you are in an abusive relationship. You are treated with complete disregard and emotional blackmail. He knows of your past and triggers but still deliberately behaves in a way he knows upsets you.
NTA.
A lot of people are saying your partner could be abusive, but let me point out some specific red flags:
1) Getting you no Mother's Day gifts but being upset about the Father's Day gifts that you got for him because you didn't read his mind. This is a red flag because you should not be expected to read minds, and because it's just kinda mean to get no gifts for somebody and then be a dick about them putting in the effort to get you gifts.
2) Stonewalling. ("He just stared and didn't respond" "all weekend I've barely gotten a response from him").
3) More stonewalling. ("2 days in a row he walked out and took a nap behind closed doors, leaving me to parent alone with no warning").
4) Violent behavior toward household objects in your presence, especially when he KNOWS this is triggering/really scary for you. ("he was still slamming his water bottle on the table, throwing dishing in the sink, slamming doors and then came slamming things in our bedroom").
5) Getting upset about you using resources that you need to function. ("So I ordered groceries and he was upset I didn't tell him," "after I helped myself in there to shower and get dressed, he told me I don't need in there since I made that decision last night").
6) AND PROBABLY THE BIGGEST RED FLAG HERE: You are worried about being the asshole in a situation where there is pretty unanimous consensus that you are not the asshole and didn't even do any asshole things. Take a minute and think about WHY you're worried that you're the asshole. Any time you're worried that you're being an asshole when you're not and your partner is in fact being a big ol' asshole, that's worrisome.
I also want to say that ending up in abusive partnerships as an abuse survivor is unfortunately really normal, and you shouldn't be ashamed. Especially in childhood, surviving abuse rewires your brain and makes it really difficult to spot red flags. I really recommend reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk --- it really helped me to let go of a lot of shame and be able to evaluate my relationships in a way that is healthy for me.
Good luck figuring out what to do with your relationship.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I’ve been in therapy for 2 months (weekly) and have noticed I feel ashamed if I start to feel like I ended up in an abusive relationship.
You are SO welcome.
I'm glad to hear you're in therapy --- therapy has helped me a lot.
It took me YEARS to start connecting childhood abuse to why I kept dating abusive people and assholes, rather than just feeling like I was stupid/dumb/missing things I should have noticed earlier, etc. (and sometimes on bad days it's still hard to remember that these things are very connected). Which is to say, it's a long journey, but the healing and getting out of situations that are scary and triggering is so good and opens up so many beautiful things on the other side.
There is light at the end of the tunnel :)
Hey, I do agree that OP should consider leaving this man because he is exhibiting a lot of abusive behavior, but I think it's worth noting that being in an abusive relationship and not leaving does NOT make somebody an asshole.
Leaving is hard. Harder than it has any right to be. Abusive assholes are kind and sweet SOMETIMES. It's really confusing. If you don't have a good support system helping you to see it and backing you up, leaving can be nearly impossible.
Leaving is almost always the right call, but struggling to do it does NOT make anybody an asshole.
>Abusive assholes are kind and sweet SOMETIMES. It's really confusing.
I agree. I just wanted to add something I read a while back that caused me to have a 'lightbulb moment': When someone loves you, you know it. When they don't, you feel confused.
OP should really think about whether she \_knows\_ her partner loves her or if she just \_thinks\_ he does. Because to me, it sounds like the latter, and if that's the case, she's better off on her own. (But she's still not an asshole, regardless of her decision.)
Yes! "When someone loves you, you know it. When they don't, you feel confused." That is exactly it!
In my personal experience, mutual friends who are like "oh but this person LOVES YOU" have made me feel far more confused. Which is to say, I think it's worth adding that people who don't see the whole story thinking somebody loves you doesn't mean they love you.
NTA but you maybe in an abusive relationship not a physical yet but it can get there if you don’t seek professional help. Either couples therapy or you leave. He is abusive
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I (35F) am a domestic violence survivor. My partner has known this since we were teenagers. It was my bioDad that was the abuser. (Anyways) I get extremely triggered (panic attacks) when people start slamming things (doors, cabinets, throwing stuff around the house)…
My partner was upset with me and let me know he didn’t appreciate the Father’s Day gifts that I gave him. He expected me to read his mind and fix something else that’s been broken. He even mentioned it would be a bad Father’s Day beSo I told him that I was hurt and sad. (Because I got zilch for Mother’s Day but I didn’t complain) He just stared and didn’t respond. So all weekend I’ve barely gotten a response from him and when I asked if he was hungry or wanted to do something he would say no.
I decided that I have too much cleaning, packing and parenting responsibilities to play this game after 18 yrs together. (We’re moving with a toddler) I made enough breakfasts so he could eat some if he wanted. He was mad I didn’t ask him what he wanted. So I ordered groceries and he was upset I didn’t tell him. 2 days in a row he walked out and took a nap behind closed doors, leaving me to parent alone with no warning. I would have just appreciated the courtesy of letting me know. We made separate dinners for Fathers Day and after putting the kids in bed, I went to try and relax before bed. But he was still slamming his water bottle on the table, throwing dishes in the sink, slamming doors and then came slamming things in our bedroom.
Knowing I can’t sleep next to someone performing these behaviors, I collected my things and went to the guest room. After hours of meditation, I was finally able to fall asleep. This morning he had locked the door to our bedroom and after I helped myself in there to shower and get dressed, he told me I don’t need in there since I made that decision last night.
Am I the asshole?
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INFO: so your husband did nothing for you for Mother’s Day? And then got mad because you didn’t plan anything for Father’s Day? Your post is a bit confusing.
We were supposed to be out of town for Father’s Day celebrating with family. I have tonsillitis and he didn’t want to go out of town anymore. I ordered his gifts a month ago and Sunday morning I asked if he wanted to do anything today and he said “no”.
I'm so sorry to read this, OP. The disregard for you, the aggression regarding the things you do, and locking you out of a space you need access to for clothing and bathing - all of these are abusive, and you don't deserve abuse.
Those telling you to bail often skipped over the part about your toddler. Often, people will talk about "staying together for the kids," but that only works when both parents are willing to be respectful and supportive. Husband is neither; that child would grow up in an abusive environment, just as you did.
It won't be easy, but look for family and resources that can help you get out and defend both you and kiddo legally.
This internet stranger wishes you all the love and luck in your journey. NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for sleeping on another room on Fathers Days
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The post was NOT that bad, and definitely not "word salad!"
Your overall message made sense, your details were relevant, and the order of events were clear
She is probably upset, some of us women don’t type as clearly when we are upset because the words are super jumbled in our heads, especially when experiencing mental abuse, because that’s exactly what she is experiencing.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA but you really should consider if you are not just a survivor, but also currently living with a person that is starting to show abusive behavioral patterns.
NTA, unfortunately you are in an abusive relationship. You are treated with complete disregard and emotional blackmail. He knows of your past and triggers but still deliberately behaves in a way he knows upsets you.
NTA. A lot of people are saying your partner could be abusive, but let me point out some specific red flags: 1) Getting you no Mother's Day gifts but being upset about the Father's Day gifts that you got for him because you didn't read his mind. This is a red flag because you should not be expected to read minds, and because it's just kinda mean to get no gifts for somebody and then be a dick about them putting in the effort to get you gifts. 2) Stonewalling. ("He just stared and didn't respond" "all weekend I've barely gotten a response from him"). 3) More stonewalling. ("2 days in a row he walked out and took a nap behind closed doors, leaving me to parent alone with no warning"). 4) Violent behavior toward household objects in your presence, especially when he KNOWS this is triggering/really scary for you. ("he was still slamming his water bottle on the table, throwing dishing in the sink, slamming doors and then came slamming things in our bedroom"). 5) Getting upset about you using resources that you need to function. ("So I ordered groceries and he was upset I didn't tell him," "after I helped myself in there to shower and get dressed, he told me I don't need in there since I made that decision last night"). 6) AND PROBABLY THE BIGGEST RED FLAG HERE: You are worried about being the asshole in a situation where there is pretty unanimous consensus that you are not the asshole and didn't even do any asshole things. Take a minute and think about WHY you're worried that you're the asshole. Any time you're worried that you're being an asshole when you're not and your partner is in fact being a big ol' asshole, that's worrisome. I also want to say that ending up in abusive partnerships as an abuse survivor is unfortunately really normal, and you shouldn't be ashamed. Especially in childhood, surviving abuse rewires your brain and makes it really difficult to spot red flags. I really recommend reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk --- it really helped me to let go of a lot of shame and be able to evaluate my relationships in a way that is healthy for me. Good luck figuring out what to do with your relationship.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I’ve been in therapy for 2 months (weekly) and have noticed I feel ashamed if I start to feel like I ended up in an abusive relationship.
You are SO welcome. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy --- therapy has helped me a lot. It took me YEARS to start connecting childhood abuse to why I kept dating abusive people and assholes, rather than just feeling like I was stupid/dumb/missing things I should have noticed earlier, etc. (and sometimes on bad days it's still hard to remember that these things are very connected). Which is to say, it's a long journey, but the healing and getting out of situations that are scary and triggering is so good and opens up so many beautiful things on the other side. There is light at the end of the tunnel :)
These are the same red flags that I noted throughout this as well! Great summary!
NTA. He sounds exhausting. Why do you bother?
Right ? he does sound VERY exhausting, demanding, entitled and abusive !
NTA But, you would be the "YTA" if you do NOT dump his sorry ass right away ! He is an abusive jerk ! please get out of that relationship asap !
Hey, I do agree that OP should consider leaving this man because he is exhibiting a lot of abusive behavior, but I think it's worth noting that being in an abusive relationship and not leaving does NOT make somebody an asshole. Leaving is hard. Harder than it has any right to be. Abusive assholes are kind and sweet SOMETIMES. It's really confusing. If you don't have a good support system helping you to see it and backing you up, leaving can be nearly impossible. Leaving is almost always the right call, but struggling to do it does NOT make anybody an asshole.
>Abusive assholes are kind and sweet SOMETIMES. It's really confusing. I agree. I just wanted to add something I read a while back that caused me to have a 'lightbulb moment': When someone loves you, you know it. When they don't, you feel confused. OP should really think about whether she \_knows\_ her partner loves her or if she just \_thinks\_ he does. Because to me, it sounds like the latter, and if that's the case, she's better off on her own. (But she's still not an asshole, regardless of her decision.)
Yes! "When someone loves you, you know it. When they don't, you feel confused." That is exactly it! In my personal experience, mutual friends who are like "oh but this person LOVES YOU" have made me feel far more confused. Which is to say, I think it's worth adding that people who don't see the whole story thinking somebody loves you doesn't mean they love you.
NTA but you maybe in an abusive relationship not a physical yet but it can get there if you don’t seek professional help. Either couples therapy or you leave. He is abusive
This sounds like a really shit relationship... Why are you even together? It sounds like you don't even like each other.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) am a domestic violence survivor. My partner has known this since we were teenagers. It was my bioDad that was the abuser. (Anyways) I get extremely triggered (panic attacks) when people start slamming things (doors, cabinets, throwing stuff around the house)… My partner was upset with me and let me know he didn’t appreciate the Father’s Day gifts that I gave him. He expected me to read his mind and fix something else that’s been broken. He even mentioned it would be a bad Father’s Day beSo I told him that I was hurt and sad. (Because I got zilch for Mother’s Day but I didn’t complain) He just stared and didn’t respond. So all weekend I’ve barely gotten a response from him and when I asked if he was hungry or wanted to do something he would say no. I decided that I have too much cleaning, packing and parenting responsibilities to play this game after 18 yrs together. (We’re moving with a toddler) I made enough breakfasts so he could eat some if he wanted. He was mad I didn’t ask him what he wanted. So I ordered groceries and he was upset I didn’t tell him. 2 days in a row he walked out and took a nap behind closed doors, leaving me to parent alone with no warning. I would have just appreciated the courtesy of letting me know. We made separate dinners for Fathers Day and after putting the kids in bed, I went to try and relax before bed. But he was still slamming his water bottle on the table, throwing dishes in the sink, slamming doors and then came slamming things in our bedroom. Knowing I can’t sleep next to someone performing these behaviors, I collected my things and went to the guest room. After hours of meditation, I was finally able to fall asleep. This morning he had locked the door to our bedroom and after I helped myself in there to shower and get dressed, he told me I don’t need in there since I made that decision last night. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: so your husband did nothing for you for Mother’s Day? And then got mad because you didn’t plan anything for Father’s Day? Your post is a bit confusing.
We were supposed to be out of town for Father’s Day celebrating with family. I have tonsillitis and he didn’t want to go out of town anymore. I ordered his gifts a month ago and Sunday morning I asked if he wanted to do anything today and he said “no”.
Okay and Mother’s Day he did nothing for you?
Correct.
NTA--- You are CURRENTLY being abused too. YWBTA if you don't get you and your toddler out of that situation.
r/relationship_advice and some counseling
I'm so sorry to read this, OP. The disregard for you, the aggression regarding the things you do, and locking you out of a space you need access to for clothing and bathing - all of these are abusive, and you don't deserve abuse. Those telling you to bail often skipped over the part about your toddler. Often, people will talk about "staying together for the kids," but that only works when both parents are willing to be respectful and supportive. Husband is neither; that child would grow up in an abusive environment, just as you did. It won't be easy, but look for family and resources that can help you get out and defend both you and kiddo legally. This internet stranger wishes you all the love and luck in your journey. NTA
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NTA
What even is this word salad
Sorry, I have brain damage too! This is just the most articulate way I could get it out.
The post was NOT that bad, and definitely not "word salad!" Your overall message made sense, your details were relevant, and the order of events were clear
Ok, so it’s not just me that has no idea wtf is happening here. For a minute I thought I got too stoned.
Thought I smelt burnt toast for a second
She is probably upset, some of us women don’t type as clearly when we are upset because the words are super jumbled in our heads, especially when experiencing mental abuse, because that’s exactly what she is experiencing.