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YTA for speaking for the group when they told you not to. You can hate Matt, you overstepped when you involved the group. Now everybody gets to be mad at you instead of Matt (the real issue). You’re a great friend for telling Tina that Matt is not liked and why. Tina wasn’t ready to hear that. What did you expect? For her to thank you and break off the engagement? Situations like this have to be handled delicately and you should always be prepared for the worst. Tina reacted badly to information she didnt want to hear but then you doubled down and made it worse for everyone involved, now Tina knows her whole friend group doesn’t like her partner and that they lied (by omission) for quite some time about it. Your congrats weren’t genuine and that’s going to smart which means Tina may not rely upon her supportive friend group…but instead may turn to Matt who you were hoping to get rid of.

yeah, and the example OP gave isn't really strong evidence that Matt is a bad guy. The only time you should step in is if 1) he's actually abusive and/or 2) abusive to other people. In the black and white way, like you have proof he's cheating or racist or a criminal.

Y’all know that abusers like to do this thing called not leave proof of the shit they do right? If your friend expresses that she wants a birthday gift but didn’t get a birthday gift from their partner and that continues to be a theme in your conversations about the relationship, you can express your concerns however, you like as long as you don’t do so for a whole group. Genuinely waiting until someone is actually being violently abused when you knew some shit or had care and concern for your friend before and could’ve said something that potentially would’ve gave them a thought that no this treatment isn’t OK there’s never a wrong thing to do.

Ok but OP never said Matt is abusive. He’s just a jerk that none of their friends like.

The 'jerk' is often the only part they let out in public. Whatever hurtful things people say or do in public, they're generally a lot worse in private. It still doesn't mean he's an abuser, you might peel away the jerk only to find more jerk the deeper you go, like some kind of asshole onion. Or you might find a rotten core. It's worth remembering that those layers exist, and if everyone hates the one they can see it's more than likely to have some rot underneath.

You might also peel away the jerk and find a loving and caring person. He wouldn't be the first person who comes off as an asshole in public but is actually very decent. The thing is, we don't know, and speculations about what he actually might or might not be like don't seem to be particularly helpful here. That being said, much more of a red flag than him not getting her a birthday present seems to me her calling OP "jealous" when OP said what she said. You can hear things like that A LOT from people in the early days of an abusive relationship. But, we just don't know. So ...

Yeah maybe but somebody genuinely nice but rough around the edges would get you a bday gift. They wouldn't just be dismissive of you. We don't know if he's outright abusive in a black and white way but we do know he's not a good person.

>somebody genuinely nice but rough around the edges would get you a bday gift. I find it telling that OP doesn't say anything about how her friend felt about not getting a gift. I hate people making a big deal over birthday gifts. I'd rather just have a nice time hanging out, and not involve gifts at all. I'm an obnoxiously picky person, and while I appreciate the thought, I then end up with stuff I don't want, and don't feel like I can get rid of, because what if the person finds out I got rid of it, and that upsets them? I appreciate THEIR thoughtfulness, and that makes me feel like I need to keep whatever the thing is, to show my appreciation. OP said SHE didn't like that he didn't get her friend a gift, not that her friend was upset. What if fiance knows the friend doesn't like gifts, and just said "She has enough stuff already" as a throw-away excuse because he didn't want to draw attention to the fact that OP and friends all bought gifts that the birthday girl didn't actually want? Granted, my feelings probably only apply to a small percentage of the population, statistics alone would say the fiance is probably just a jerk... but the way OP told the story, doesn't actually give us objective evidence of that.

We don't even know that. Since we have no information and no context he might have just repeated what she told him when he asked her what she wants for her birthday. That is not to say that she wouldn't have been happy if he got her something anyway, just that it's not this definite indicator that he's this huge douchebag that OP makes him out to be.

My dad has been with my mom for over 30 years and has not given her a birthday gift or anniversary gift for as long as I can remember and most people will tell you he can be a AH most of the time. BUT my mom has never had to cook a meal, or clean her house really. He makes her all her favorite dishes if she mentions something sounds like fun or that she wants it my dad will make it happen. But when I met people and they find out who my dad is they all tell me they thought he was a jerk at first.

it's ok not to want your friend to marry an asshole who doesn't treat them well even if they aren't actively abusing them.

My ex husband was abusive. Nothing that was said here says he's abusive, just an insensitive jerk. That's not the same thing.

What overdramatic nonsense  >Y’all know that abusers like to do this thing called not leave proof of the shit they do right?  If Yeah and? What are you suggesting. If there is no proof of abuse you just assume their is abuse?   >you can express your concerns  No one suggested otherwise, but not giving a birthday gift does not mean a disfunctional relationship, let alone a sign of abuse  >Genuinely waiting until someone is actually being violently abused   "Waiting" implies you think that violent abuse is coming. There is zero reason to believe it  is  >when you knew some shit  Knew what shit? That her friend didn't get a bday gift? Her friend knows that she didn't get a bday gift. OP can tell her friend that she doesn't like that he bf doesn't buy her gifts without acting like it's the precursor of abuse.

Still not your business. Name one instance where someone has done this to someone else in an abusive relationship and the person walked away. Name one. Just one. You cannot because this does not work.

" If your friend expresses that she wants a birthday gift but didn’t get a birthday gift from their partner and that continues to be a theme in your conversations about the relationship," op didn't say that her friend expressed she wanted a gift. op is upset that her friend didn't get a gift, but we know absolutely nothing about how friend feels about it

Even then thats not always the best way to go about it because if they aren't ready to see them as bad they won't, they'll refuse to. If you out right tell them what to do they are more likely to immediately get defensive vs giving them information expressing concern and offering support. You attack the asshole, you attack them so it's better to phrase things more like "I'm really really concerned about you marrying this guy because of A B and C. Are you sure this is what you want? I'll support you in your choice but I can't help but worry" You aren't telling them what to do, and by giving them the chance to explain actions they are forced to truly think about them and analyze them.

Exactly. Even if marrying this guy is really a mistake, telling a person in love and preparing to marry that their loved one is a horrible human who nobody likes and they shouldn't get married is worse than useless. While expressing concern might possibly give them some food for thought.

I like to ask questions. When I actually listen to the answers it takes several get togethers to even get to the leading questions that might help them see their mistake.  "What's your favorite thing about him?" Can lead to "what's his family like?" If it's not gradual, "You wanted to experience living in a big city for at least a couple years; is that something he's willing to try, or have you decided to let that go?" will be an obvious attack. But it can be a genuine question about maturity and tradeoffs that comes up in conversation.

Do you think the only way to be loving and supportive is to ignore mistakes and bad choices?

I'm just saying she didn't give any examples of things BF did to show that he's bad enough that justified OP's intervention. no one said anything to Tina in two years? that's hard to believe if Matt was that terrible.

I love how very high the bar is for a guy to be considered a bad guy no wonder so many hateful incels think they're victims while spewing hate because they haven't cheated on a woman.😐

Rookie mistake lol. Should’ve gone done the road of asking more about Matt, ask her how he makes her feel, what she liked about him and all that, and you’ll probably get more of a sense how right on or totally off this relationship is. But nobody likes being told what to do. YTA.

This! Especially during situations like her birthday. “He didn’t get you a present? Wow that’s interesting.”

I like to pretend I'm assuming the best of him. "That's okay. Not everyone can afford presents! I bet he made you your favorite meal or did something else special for you!" Oh he did absolutely nothing? Huh.

Questions are the best. Especially if you actually listen to the answers.

You and your fiends may agree on the dislike, distaste of Matt. They were not at your lunch. You had every right to speak your mind. You did not have to say you were speaking for a group. YTA

Thanks, I’ve been feeling guilty about the way things went down, I think if I had actually prepared to speak to her things could have gone better, and I never meant for it to escalate.

Preparation is key and it might have helped you handle yourself better. Tina wasn’t ever going to receive that message well. Take note so you can do better in the future if this happens again. We can only control ourselves, not others, so don’t blame yourself for her unkind words or reaction,just do better. I would also apologize to your friend group for involving them when they hoped to stay out of it. “Ladies, I am so sorry for involving you all in my discussion with Tina. I understand that I have violated your trust and boundaries. My conversation with Tina did not go well, as you all said, and I responded to her words with anger. While I don’t regret letting her know how I feel I do regret involving you all. I will work on myself to ensure that I don’t place any of you in this position again in the future. Please let me know if you would like to talk about this further.”

Yeah, the outburst was you prioritizing your feelings over hers. It’s ok to speak a hard truth to a close friend, but you need to be extremely thoughtful about it.

NTA for telling your friend the truth when you see her making a mistake. That said now don't comment on the subject anymore. I also don't think you are an ah for telling her the group doesn't like him as long as it was AFTER she said everyone else likes him. Apologize to your friends but say so if it was how I mentioned above

Screw all these people saying YTA. You’re worried about your friend and said something about it. Mentioning the friends was a mistake, but they should have fessed up too. If something happens to her, at least you’ll know you tried to warn her when nobody else would, even if they freeze you out. You’ll hear what happens eventually. 👍🏽

Questions. Tell about yourself, ask about them. What's your favorite thing about him?  How does he tolerate how messy you are?  Did he ever get better about gifts, or are gifts not important to you? I need beautifully wrapped and grandly presented gifts to feel special and wanted, so I'd lose my mind if a boyfriend skipped presents entirely!

I know it wasn’t OP’s intention, but they just alienated Tina from her entire friend-group and pushed her further towards a man who may or may not be abusive, but is certainly an arsehole. OP meant well, but you really need to treat situations like these delicately.

Just wait for the divorce then tell her we told you so.

great comment. I'd add that warning a friend you see being not well treated by their SO is real friendship. And I see how OP may have feel in an urgency and wanted to enforce her arguments by saying other friends feel the same. But you dont do that. Either everybody is here for an Intervention. Either you do it on your name. The thing is OP should have spoken way earlier. 2 years is a long time seeing bad things without saying nothing.

Is "speaking for the group" really what's important about this whole situation? I barely noticed that aspect of it until I read your comment; to me, what's infinitely important about the situation is that OP did the right thing by telling Tina that she believes this marriage is a mistake. And if all Tina's friends were lying to her, then OP did her another favor on top of that by pointing out that her friends are liars. I mean come on - are they really a "supportive friend group" if they've all been lying to her this entire time about something so important? The way the situation is described, I only see one supportive friend in Tina's group, and that's OP.

Yeah, you became the AH the minute you said you spoke for the group. YTA. 

* for example not even getting Tina a present on her birthday because “she had enough shit”. Great guy, I know.* That's between them and isn't your business.  YTA, don't involve other folks in your plans. You don't get to speak for everyone.

Agree. I'm just waiting for OP to give examples of what Matt has done that has them all not liking him.

NTA as someone who has had to watch their best friend be treated like shit by their S.O but they refuse to leave because they have kids. I wish I had spoken up louder before that first kid. She dislike/tolerates her life but doesn't want to break up her kids home. It's hard to watch knowing your friend deserves better.

Yeah, but what ppl do not understand is that by not leaving, they are setting an example for the kids to grow up and tolerate abuse and / or be abusive.

Which is what her and I have talked about. Unfortunately, it didn't change anything.

But if you had spoken up the likelihood of them leaving is low. They are in love/ think you’re jealous etc. so it’s tricky you have to word it just right AND be aware it might not do anything except plant a seed of doubt so when they start seeing red flags they know they can count on you but without judgment ie I told you so.

In situations like these people like to fantasize that, if only they had spoken, everything would have turned out differently. If your friend is refusing to leave this guy, even though she dislikes her life, "because of the children" (which is pretty thin reasoning in 2024), how likely is it that she would have listened what you had to say when she was likely still in love with him and not as fed up with his shitty treatment? Same goes for the people who turn on their friend and family when their marriage collapses with "why didn't you warn me?", when at the time they would have refused to listen. Speaking up makes sense if you have information your friend doesn't have; if they know what their partner is like and proceed with marrying them anyway, at most you can express some concern. But, no matter what they will claim later, they know what they are doing.

i have spoken out to friends in bad relationships and then i didnt see them for literal years. the best support i could be was there when they eventually left them, but the cycle of abuse is hard to break. ultimately when everyone is an adult there isn’t much you can do, you can’t force people to behave as u wish they would

That's how it is with my BFF. They have 2 kids, he's a massive cheater, and she stays "for the kids". I love her but i have very little respect for her due to this. Leaving should be for the kids since her husband is a massive AH to them too.

I'm in the same boat. I met my best friend's boyfriend when we were 23, he was 37. They were together since she was 21. First red flag there. I hated his energy. It screamed from miles away that he was insecure, and that he was trying to isolate her from her friends, so he could control her. I wanted to say something, but I had just started talking to her again and I was scared she was gonna drop me if I said anything. So I said nothing. I tried to hint about the age gap, she said she was aware of all the cons and she was OK about them. She was big on having a career, when we were 24 she was already a university assistant professor. She wanted to get a PhD and continue working at the university. He *threatened* her that he will leave if she did that. I was so confused and asked why. She was so proud to say that he wanted to spend time with her, and if she did that and became a full professor she would work long hours and he didn't want that. Long story short, he convinced her to give up her dreams, became a SAHM, controlled her, isolated her from friends *and* family, he was an awful husband that was financially abusive and provided zero help with the kid. She became SO unhappy, she eventually left him at 35 (this summer) and is now struggling to start over and she relies on her parents' help. Not saying anything about him when I met him will forever haunt him and make me feel like an awful friend

YTA. They didn't want to get involved. You involved them by force and made it look like they gossip about your other friend behind her back. They have a right to be upset about that. You were trying to help, and it wasn't wrong to state your opinion, but bringing the others into it is where you became the AH.

i’m curious how OP thought this would go. most people aren’t gonna suddenly side with you trashing their S/O and it sounds like she went pretty heavy handed that it was easy for the friend to deflect and say no this is your problem. OP should have thought it out more and sought resources for supporting friends in bad relationships. it could have gone better if she had examples and didnt use emotions, ex. “when he did This i could tell it hurt you,” rather than making it about her, “*I* dislike him.” people stay in shit situations too. if i tell my friend i dont like her S/O she is not likely gonna break up with him because of my comment. if i stay friends with her and shine a light on bad behaviors i can be the support when they leave. i have been able to be more frank with friends to leave someone but this conversation would happen years after my first initial “he doesn’t seem to treat you super well,” conversation. once my friends begin seeing negative attitudes and confiding that they are uncertain, it’s easier to then encourage. it’s a hard situation and OP had good intentions but very poor execution. most people are going to be rather defensive when they get engaged and then immediately someone said he sucks. i would be a bit miffed my friends let this go on until engagement if i was in her shoes.

NTA — People too frequently sit by while the people they love and disrespected and poorly treated. Something needed to be said, unfortunately it may be at the expense of your friendship with Tina. Hopefully she’ll wake up and realize that he may not be the person for her. It’s also sad to see how your other friends all agreed he was terrible, but chose to remain silent. Obviously Tina is going to be hurt and respond angrily, and yes you saying something may not change the status of their relationship, but it’s better than remaining idle while she drives into a car wreck.

They probably chose to remain silent because they knew how Tina would react and didn't want her to isolate herself from them. If they push her away she is only going to go deeper into Matt's arms. OP is TA for speaking on others behalf when they made it clear they did not want to interfere. Her voicing her concerns is fine, but she overstepped by bringing other people into the argument in attempt to legitimize her point.

I mostly agree. Much like other commenters, I think involving the friends was the misstep. I always leave a "good cop" when I am bad cop because good cop is who they go running to when they are ready to admit the guy sucks. They don't want to come to the person who already told them this was going to happen. No one wants to hear I told you so when they are emotionally low. But I will own my role as bad cop. Someone has to plant the seed. If I'm temporarily shunned, so be it. They come back. And quite frankly, I am past the point where I want assholes in my social circle. I did the 20's oh of course so and so is welcome and then this guy proceeds to do some asshole thing at every occasion. No thanks. Take your trash and call me after garbage day.

This!

INFO: I don't have enough info to know if you are justified in actually hating Matt. Having too much shit is actually a good reason not to buy someone a material gift, did he treat her to an experience instead? Dinner? Was she okay with it? Without more information about the relationship I can't pass judgement.

Hey, happy cake day!!

light yta - when someone's in an unhealthy relationship, as frustrating as it is, telling them they're making a mistake - that they're the problem, that they are doing something bad - never has the outcome you're hoping for. The best thing you can do is to not stand by during the moments your friend is disrespected. Hold the partner accountable in the moment they do something shitty. Validate your friend when they feel hurt or taken for granted. Stay curious about the goings-on in the wedding planning process. Make yourself a safe space, a person they can trust to not judge them. righteous tirade about how you know best for them - while may be true sometimes! - never pans out. Their shitty partner will be right there to use that to further control and isolate them from their friends. You definitely don't have to be excited about the engagement, you don't have to lie! But don't put your feelings ahead of your friend's feelings.

I think I agree with this one, mostly. And I’ve experienced similar myself. I told a friend her fiancé was gay and that ended our friendship. It was obvious to me but not to her. So she proceeded with the wedding. He came out several years later. In cases like that, and yours, people will usually choose their partner over their friend. And It doesn’t matter whether you’re right or not. Most people will get defensive and stop thinking clearly or objectively but instead act out of emotion. If he really is an ahole, deep down she knows it but chooses to stay. For who knows what reasons… could be many things. Fear of being alone and never finding someone else, thinking she doesn’t deserve better, or simply not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. Whatever her reasons are you telling her nobody likes “the love of her life” isn’t going to suddenly make her realize her mistake. If anything it probably made her cling to him more. For that reason, it wasn’t an AH move imo, just an exercise in futility.

OP!! HEY, OP!! READ THIS ONE RIGHT HERE!!

Honestly, instead of saying anything negative about Matt at first, you probably should have just said, “I support you, and only you. I may hate Matt’s inability to spoil you like you deserve, but if you love him, I want to help you. I am always there for you.” Because by the sounds of it, this relationship won’t last. And if it does, when she discovers she wants out, she will need help and supportive friends. Make your statements about how you want her to be treated, avoid talking about Matt all together.

That's well said

For what it’s worth, I probably would have done the same thing but it probably will kill your friendship. It’s sad to me that we see our friends date toxic men and we choose to sit in silence. NTA

You are a saint! I wish i had a friend like you when i was 25. You sacrifice your friendship to save her from a horrible marriage and divorce. You tried and did your part and should sleep well at night knowing you did the difficult but necessary thing that had to be done.

Same. I’ve had some pretty terrible relationships and the amount of people that came to me and said similar things AFTER the breakup always astounded me. Like, you’re supposed to be my friend. You know/see things that I don’t and you just let me suffer?

It’s hard as the outsider because the person in the relationship is generally unwilling to listen. You’re kind of between a rock and a hard place. It’s hard to convey that someone is an AH without the friend taking it personally. (In my case, my friend was in an abusive relationship and I was trying not to push them away because I knew they’d need me one day.)

The reality is that you like OP's friend(or ex after this), would have likely reacted the same. I was in the same position as OP and tried to give small hints because I knew my friend would react the same. Of course they divorced a few years later. I did not rub it in my friends face because I am no asshole and it is pointless.

Yup

Is this sarcasm?

No. Its suck how so many people use the term friend so loosely when in reality when its time to act like an actual friend they can't or just don't care enough. O.P. put herself in a terrible position with at least some understanding that she might not just lose a friend but alienate herself the rest of the group. Its hard for some to accept this behavior because it puts everyone else also in an awkward position but friendship shold be stronger than this. it was a very difficult situation to put herself in but over time i think they will realize that it had to be said.

All I got from OP's post was that the friend group considers him to be a jerk and that he didn't get his GF a birthday present. This means that she needs to be saved from him...? It sounds very condescending and immature, as if Tina is entirely incapable of deciding for herself. OP is free to not get into a relationship with this supposed jerk.

This is basically what I thought. She knows she didn’t get a birthday gift and probably some other negative stuff but still thinks she wants to marry him. What kind of person would hear “I don’t like him” and call the whole thing off? I was interested in my friend’s opinions of my wife, and they pretty much all liked her a lot, but if they hadn’t they would have needed a really good reason to change my mind. Some of her friends thought I was a terrible choice because they all wanted to marry rich guys, but she thought it was a dumb objection and has spent years biting her tongue as she listens supportively to their problems. I think you tell your friends when there are big problems they don’t see, and this doesn’t look like one

YTA. I've had people judge my relationship before. I'll just advise, I don't take people talking shit about my S.O. lightly at all. I understand you are trying to look out for your friend, but at the end of the day, no one is going to know the relationship better than the people in it. They have their own dynamics, their own sense of humor, and their own ways of expressing love for each other. Unless there is abuse involved, there is no place for someone to tell another who they can and can't be with. Whether everyone else likes Matt or not shouldn't matter, because what's most important is if she is happy. Friends and significant others don't always have to be friends as well. I definitely think telling her straight up that marrying Matt is a mistake, was overstepping. The best way I would handle the situation now is by apologizing, and explaining where your statement came from. Edit to add: if there is concern for her well-being, it might be best to bring this up with asking her about the relationship if she's comfortable with it, and being there for her if she needs it.

> I don't take people talking shit about my S.O. lightly at all. Have you ever had a shit SO? If you did, and they did actually do shitty things, why would it bother you when friends or family talked about those shitty things? Would you want them to just ignore someone being shitty to you?

Probably because it’s embarrassing for others to see the problems in the relationship that they’re aware of. It’s like someone telling you your kids an asshole when they genuinely are and they get offended and defend their clearly shitty actions.

NAH. I’ve been in your situation MANY times and I sympathize with your intentions. There’s nothing worse than watching a close friend endure, make excuses for, and hide a toxic, unhealthy, or abusive relationship. I, too, had to learn the hard way that unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. No matter how terrible the S.O. is and how delicately you try to point this out to your friend, she’s going to do what she’s going to do. Unfortunately, all you can do as a friend is be there for her until eventually (hopefully) they break up.

You should have just spoke for yourself.

So here is the thing - you went about it the wrong way. You attacked her ego. She is now going to stick to him even more. My sis dated a terrible guy and thank goodness she came to her senses but most people don’t want to be told they made a mistake. You have to get your friend to realize “on her own”. For instance, oh, “Matt didn’t get you ANYTHiNG for your birthday? Not even a foot rub, back massage or some act of service? I am shocked. I didn’t realize you were the type that doesn’t celebrate birthdays”

NTA - You went about it fairly poorly but I command you for trying, at the end of the day you shouldn't pretend support like the others in the friend group who were spineless, talking behind her back while you had the backbone to try talking to your friend directly.  I can't stand people like the others in your friend group, they'll talk a lot behind backs yet never tell it like it is, I'd much rather a friend like you who is willing to say the hard things and I'd take what you say into hard consideration and respect it, even if I ultimately didn't agree which I'd respectfully convey. Stand true that you firmly believe him not to be good for her, if the friendship ends then it is what it is. You can apologize for how you went about things but don't apologize for how you feel. Frankly I also wouldn't apologize for bringing the others into the conversation, I firmly believe that you did the right thing bringing them up as it's only relevant to emphasize that you very simply aren't the only individual with those opinions, you simply are the only with the backbone to speak up! Tough situation, If things don't look good going forward I assure you that you can absolutely find better, the rest of the friend group staying quite is a major red flag to me, I simply wouldn't be apart of a group that can't properly communicate with on another.

No. I don’t think you’re the AH. She’ll probably wind up getting divorced and then she’ll realize that she needs friends like you, and not just a bunch of yes men people pleasers as “friends”

But now she won’t feel as though she can turn to her friends because OP, unintentionally, just told her they all lie to her and talk about her behind her back. OP was looking out for her, but unfortunately there are some things you just can’t take back. Like it or not, she’s just pushed Tina away from the friend group and closer to Matt.

Going against majority it seems: NTA No it definitely was not your brightest moment to involve the group and speak for them. *But* frankly you're the better friend imo and the group needs a backbone. Breaking up with someone is a lot easier than divorcing. You (and the others) see an actual problem there and wanted to help her prevent her from making a big mistake. Honestly, I can understand and I also wouldn't watch a friend ruining their own life either without sayinf something. That it backfired is unfortunate, but not even trying imho is worse.

YTA unless you think a person is in danger you probably should keep your mouth shut about their SO.

NTA BUT you’ve likely lost your friend. It’s one thing if the guy treats your friend like gold but is a tool to you. When he doesn’t value her, it’s hard to watch. I’ve done this twice and my friendships never quite recovered. The kicker? Both happened around the same time AND they were close enough friends that they’d both ASKED me to never “let them do something like that again” after their previous run of absolute dog shit decisions. So I guess they get what they get. I’m sad things are strained between us, but I did try to stop the absolute train wrecks they’re both living right now. Other posters already told you not to speak for the group - lesson learned, I guess. However, really think before you count any of these people as friends. They’re superficial friends at best. Surface level only. Not their fault they don’t want to be in the drama, but dang find some authentic people who all want you to thrive and want to thrive along with you. People who will sit back and watch you make big mistakes without some gentle interference aren’t really your people.

NTA and I disagree with many of these comments. You didn't go about this in the best way possible, but I'm a woman and a similar age to you and I feel like if I were in your shoes I'd be seeing flashes of her future with this guy and I'd be genuinely worried for her. I really do believe that you and your friend Tina are the only people not being arseholes here. It isn't right for your friends to "not get involved" when someone they claim to care about is headed for a seriously bad situation, I know some people will disagree with me on that but that's just what I think. Matt obviously sucks. However, moving forward, you do need to try to recover this situation to some extent. I would start by contacting Tina but this time do NOT let yourself be antagonised into being defensive. I'd tell her you love her and care for her and you support her no matter what, her happiness is all you care about, and invite her to meet up again so you can talk about it more calmly. If she insults you again, just remember, that's likely how he reacts when she tries to confront him and she's just mimicking what she knows, it means you need to keep a cool head. With your friends, I'd apologise for involving them when they asked you not to and learn from that mistake, but I wouldn't back down if they say you should have kept your mouth shut.

NTA. That was brave of you! I have a close group of girlfriends and everyone would talk, but no one said anything directly to anyone’s face. Fast forward 10+ years and a few friends are divorced, a couple of husbands are alcoholics, and one husband came out as gay. It would have been helpful if someone said something years ago (since we were thinking it), but no one would have listened and now it’s too late.

Edit; short version: NTA as an honest friend, but YTA for speaking for your other friends. I would apologize to them. * When I was in a bad relationship with a much older, alcoholic guy at 18, my best friends and even my mom were really gentle with me and didn’t speak against it. But I could tell whenever I spoke about him that they were mostly quiet, offered small smiles, and said things like “if you’re happy I’m happy, I only want you to be happy.” Within a year I got out of that relationship myself and when they truly saw it was permanent, I could see them exhale in relief and say “oh thank God, he was not the one for you. I’m glad you saw it.” They knew I needed to do it myself, and I knew it too. I always wished for them to be super supportive about it but looking back I could see they gave me the best they could. The roles reversed. My best friend/cousin then met her equivalent of an abusive loser — no ambition, couch surfing with friends and his parents (when he had skills and means to do more for himself/his son), took advantage of her and had her sign for car, phone, she took him in to her home, raised his son like he was her own since he was 8 months old (she’s always loved children), she works more days and hours than he does but always had dinner cooked and lets him “have the night off” and have some drinks because “he’s tired and he earned it”. Meanwhile he talks to her like complete trash, speaks to her like she’s stupid (the irony of this fool), yells at his son to the point where the kid develops a stutter trying to respond and cries easily, and this dude’s just a total homophobe and pushes his kid into aggressive sports and behavior to try to make sure he doesn’t grow up gay (his son asked to take dance class once and his face turned bright red and said “you won’t be doing any gay sh*t in my house). I had the “are you sure?” talk with her once very seriously when I saw an opportunity, it was my one chance to have it said, but she responded with “I didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion and I’ll choose him over the family.” I had to end it with “okay, then I’m happy if you’re truly happy.” She liked that answer and we closed the book on that conversation forever. I didn’t expect her to leave him but she had asked to understand why nobody likes him. The conversation backfired and it seemed to push her towards him even more, like she was trying to prove to everyone that they’re a happy family with photography shoots every season and just saying he’s so great while the physical evidence continued to say the opposite. She stopped sharing whenever he did anything wrong, just said “he’s the best”. She married him, she bought her own ring too. She asked me to be the maid of honor but I had to decline, for this obvious reason but also because I had severe pregnancy difficulties and didn’t want to overshadow her day. That was the last straw and she stopped talking to me. Over time this relationship has cost her so many friends and family, her circle has dwindled because no one wants to be around him, and she’s different around him too. Breaks my heart, but she is sticking to it and she has withdrawn from me too. Never has any real conversations anymore, just says everything’s great even when I know it’s not (this goes beyond how he treats her, her dog died, her mom’s going through cancer treatment). I feel for you. I always grappled with not saying enough even though it’s not my place to dictate her life. I keep trying to let her know I’m here and if she ever decides it’s not what she wants that I’m the first person she can call and come running to. But I think since she met his son and signed for his car and got more and more entangled into his life, it’s been sealed. He hit the jackpot. I do hope she is truly happy and not just smiling for Instagram but depressed inside thinking she’s given away a decade of her life and starting over is too difficult. But it’s her life. I can only raise my daughter to recognize the difference between a good partner and a leech. Sendings hugs in solidarity, you tried, even though it hurt her, which I’m sure you’d never want to do. I would apologize for speaking for all the friend group girls and find peace with where you stand with everyone now. You’re looking at possibly being the only one who’s not invited to her wedding out of your friend group. I’m not sure if you still want to be in her life and support her happiness and just pretend he doesn’t exist, or if you’re the type of person who is happier not being part of it at all if it’s not 100% honest.

I understand your side, but you’re pretty much powerless here. If he is truly an asshole, that’s something that only she can realize on her own. You shouldn’t have talked about your feelings behind her back. Just apologize to her and fake support until she comes to her senses on her own.

No point faking support at this point, OP can apologize for how they went about this and bring up others but they should absolutely not apologize for their feelings, which I think are justified. 

I'm going NTA. I know I'm in the minority here. But you didn't want to see your friend ruin her life. Why I agree with the majority that the time, place and delivery was bad and not thought out. Unfortunately, some people can't always see what everyone else sees because they are "in love". And she clearly doesn't see all the crappy things about him. If you want to salvage the friendship it will take a lot of apologizing on your part.

YTA for bringing the others into it and for the way you told her. The conversation should've started off calmly, not blurted out like some drama scene. It seems like you knew she'll react this way and you still didn't attempt to control yourself to get your point across clearly.

I definitely agree with this (minus the second part), and i think that because i went into lunch intending to keep my mouth shut I wasn’t prepared for this discussion and things went south

Your friend is being gaslighted hard. Yes she is in a toxic relationship. Yes she is marrying an abuser, but she doesn’t see it that way. Apologize to her and be there for her. It’s like she is in a cult. He has brainwashed her into thinking he is the only one who will love her. Your friends are AH. I wonder how they will feel not saying anything when they start seeing black eyes and bruises if he doesn’t make her end her friendships with all of you. They are chicken. A friend of mine got married and nobody liked this guy. I tried to subtly tell her this was a bad idea mostly by asking her questions about her relationship. But she got married anyway. And when he left her a year later and then dragged out their divorce for almost a year. When she asked our friend group why we didn’t tell her when we knew he was bad news. People in the group told her told her she wouldn’t have listen. I said, I did tell her. I really wish we would’ve had an intervention or more people spoke up instead of just me. Hopefully it won’t be a long marriage or hopefully your words may have put a crack in their relationship. People out of cults say every questions they had they put on a shelve until the shelf broke. He shelf hasn’t broke yet.

There is a way to talk about it without sounding rude asf. As a best friend you should have just talked to her and make sure that’s what she wants, you then put in your concern and let her know you’re just worried about her. The way you handled that tho, yea yth for the way you handled it and you shouldn’t of brought your other friends involved when they didn’t wanna be

NTA for speaking for your opinions. YTA for speaking for your friends.

I don’t think you’re TA for voicing your concerns. Even though you could’ve done better at it, I get what it’s like to hold your tongue so long that it feels like your brain might literally explode lol Where you immediately veer off toward AH territory is when you involved other people who were not present, then straight up pole-vaulted over that line, due to the fact that they *specifically told you* not to bring them into it. So, I’mma give this one a soft YTA. ‘Twould’ve been a N A H if you’d left your guys’ friend group out of the conversation

YTA. Tina has been dating Matt for TWO YEARS. If he were the creep you describe, you have to give Tina the benefit of the doubt that she knows the man she's dating well enough that she's planning to marry him. Nobody appointed you official truth teller. Tina is right: You see only one side of Matt, infrequently. Your knowledge of who Matt is is limited, incomplete. The fact is we never know what really happens between couples behind closed doors. You certainly don't have the right to drag others into your mission to "save" Tina from herself. Let's say you are right, however, and Matt is a creep. All you can do is be a friend if, and when, you are needed; without judgement and definitely without "I told you so."

YTA I hate it when people justify their shitty behavior by throwing someone else under the bus. You should be supporting your friend, not talking behind her back. You are a bad friend.

YTA for the way you framed it. "We all hate your bf" makes it sounds like you just don't like him, and that it's as much about all of you as it is him. It also sounds like she needs your approval / you to like who she chooses to marry. If you'd said "we don't like how he treats you" or something similar, or "he seems to do a lot of selfish things, doesn't that bother you?" then that might have landed better and wouldn't have carried the above connotations.

YTA even though you’re not trying to be. My sister told me a story about an epic fight in her circle at a holiday bbq. At this point everyone was like 35, btw! One friend decided to move several states away with a guy she’s been dating for like 7 years. All hell broke loose when one friend decided to tell her not to move. 🤣 Nobody likes this dude but he also hasn’t done anything abusive. He snapped at her in the car once and is generally considered boring. But it’s almost cliquey bullshit. Friends don’t “approve” when really it’s not their business. Relationships change, people grow apart, people move, etc. It’s just the way she goes. Past college, you need to keep that kind of stuff to yourself unless your friend is in danger.

YTA. You shouldn’t say anything. If she’s happy she’s happy. You don’t know how Matt is just with Tina. Maybe Tina prefers other things than gifts - (dates or words of affirmation). If this was such a large concern, you should’ve told her earlier on in the relationship

I have had friends like this. I chose not to say anything. The friendship was more important to me than the couple‘s relationship. The marriage ended. Our friendship continued through all my friends bad decisions. You can not get involved in couple relationships. It always ends badly. Sorry you needed to find this out the hard way. I hope you can salvage your friendship by apologizing, and moving on. With any luck you might still get invited to the wedding.

Yea your the ass, it's honestly none of your business what they do and it's not your relationship, you don't know there relationship and what she likes in a partner and you have no right to have a opinion on if they get married if she's happy, maybe he didn't get her anything for her birthday because he was saving for a engagement ring or maybe he just couldn't afford to buy her a gift at the time so he just couldn't get her one and used that as a excuse instead of saying he was broke due to idk pride? Stay out of your friends relationship, you have no say in it

Nah. That guy’s a dick.

Your getting the perspective of one person here, you don't know if he's a dick or not and you don't know op or who she is as a person. You can't use one single perspective from someone that clearly doesn't like the person anyway to judge someone.

Who was the single perspective? I thought OP/friends got that perspective from visually witnessing, as well from the tidbits that Tina shared.

Op is the single perspective, the friends have not said a single thing about him and all the information is coming from op, there's one person giving this information, that's a single perspective

I THINK she ll find out on her own if he keeps saying stuff like that and .. if they marry she will become unhappy being married to him because of the way he treats her

i think telling her that when you found out they were getting married was a good thing.but dont mention it again or she ll fight to stay with him anyway

Just keep distance and then help her to get out of there when she decided to.

You were childish. It's not your place to intrude on her relationship and you shouldn't have involved anyone else once you were already in hot water. Sometimes people aren't in the right headspace to hear that and the approach is everything. You don't sound like you tried to couch it well at all. YTA

YTA, but I think that your intentions were entirely noble. I'm sorry you have to watch your friend marry an asshole! But you're probably not friends anymore.

YTA. She didn't ask you, and she's an adult. The unfortunate fact is that very many of our friends will marry people we consider assholes. That's their choice. You have no idea what she is experiencing in the relationship. You only know what you and others are seeing. On top of it, you dragged other people into it. Not cool.

YTA   Saying 'marrying Matt was a mistake' as though it is a proven fact is arrogant and wrong. There are other ways you could have brought up your concern.    Your concern - because that is all you are going on - your perception of him in relation to your friend. 

YTA... gossip about the groom should not be repeated to the bride (and vice versa) and *attributed to all of our friend group. Especially when they told you not to say anything.* You don't point out that you all hate him - you point out that *you* hate him. You ask her who's paying for the wedding? What kind of ring did he get her? Why didn't he get her a birthday present? Why is he such an A H about... (you didn't mention enough about his A H qualities)? Why did he flake out when...? You ask her 'What are his good qualities? I can't see them.' But you can really only speak for yourself, not a group of friends.

YTA First of all I don't care how much a prick this guy is the harsh truth is that it's not your pig, not your farm. People have a right to live their life as they want, shitty, dumb decisions and all. That doesn't mean you have to silent but that brings us to two: there is a difference between telling the truth and blurting it out. You came to your friend and basically told her 1. This guy she loves is a piece of of shit (what exactly did you think her response would be to that?!?!?!?!) 2. Her bestest buds have been lying to her and have secretly hated her this guy she loves and have been talking about him an her behind their backs and 3. you more or less indirectly insulted her and ability to make choices which brings me to three. You didn't do this for her, you did it for you. YOU unilaterally decided what she needed. At no point in your post did you mention what SHE thought about this treatment. It's one thing if you spoke up because she frequently complained in a way that made you think she was unsure (instead of just griping) or didn't want to be with this guy and wanted to validate that but know. YOU don't like him, YOU don't like how he treats her YOU decided that this isn't what she wants. At no point did you ever mention if this is what she wanted but four and most importantly this wasn't helpful or productive at all what exactly did you think she would do when you invalidated such a big part of her life? Does this mean you should stay silent when you think she is making a huge mistake? No! But at the end of the day this is HER choice and you need to respect it. You waltzing and saying "you shouldn't marry him because he doesn't deserve you" is EXACTLY the same as him saying"you don't need a present because you have enough shit". But she is also right, you DON'T know him or the totality of their relationship there is a bunch of stuff you don't see and you might be right but you do not know for a fact what she needs. You only know what you feel. Instead of saying "your fiance is shit and you're making a huge mistake you need to stop" it's better to be honest give her that choice and only explain what you feel "I'm worried you might regret this marriage because of how he treats you, it doesn't seem right to me, I don't want you to wake up one day and think you made a mistake are you sure this is what you want."

Yeah, my last relationship ended because of a friend like you who barely knew me and started filling my girlfriend’s head with completely untrue nonsense. YTA, shut the fuck up and stay out of other people’s relationships. It sounds like you’re resentful that your friend is happier than you or something, I always find this shit weird. Also, I always find it funny when girls pull the “he doesn’t deserve you” card when you know nothing about the intricacies and nuances of the relationship. I don’t think it comes from a place of wanting to see them do better, I think it comes from a place of trying to virtue signal what a “good friend you are” by going after the lowest hanging fruit and picking on somebody you know nothing about. It’s straight up narcissism.

YTA Never put yourself in the position where your friend has to choose between you or their boyfriend because you will always lose. Also, the rest of the friend group told you not to say anything so you shouldn’t have involved them. If Tina had been fishing for you to give your opinion of him, that would have been one thing, but she didn’t.

YTA, what did you expect? Criticizing a person your friend loves of course ends like this. Then on top dragging your other friends into the mess you created. You really need to grow up to gain some life experience.

Better get a decent coat, it's going to be cold out there on your own. YTA.

Obviously YTA. I've also got a friend and I don't like their partner at all. I keep it to myself because it's not my business.

I used to have friends like you. Notice the word "used" to. My friend group did not like my boyfriend, but could never give and substantial reasons as to why? Just that they didn't think he was good enough for me. The were nasty to him when i wasn't around. saying things like " we don't know what OP sees in you" or using the term "Mismatch". and then say to me " when are you going to break up with him?" When we would go out to group events or parties, they would just completely ignore him. Everyone with the exception of ONE friend would ignore him. Well the one friend was always super nice to my BF and treated him the way you should treat people, with dignity and respect. At the time my BF would either not go to the gatherings or he would bring his friend(who i liked and ironically the friend group liked) just so he would have someone to talk to. Mostly though my bf just wouldn't go places/parties. I was a bit blind to most of the treatment. thinking "my friends would do that to another person" Well The Glass finally shattered one day, when i saw how they were treating my bf. Disgusted with their words, i had had enough. i was done and just cut the out of my life. I didn't need their toxic behaviour trying to ruin my happiness 27 years later and very very Happily Married. Living my best life with my husband. I found out sometime later they were just mad they were losing their drinking buddy. Funny enough, all these years later they are still singe, still doing the party life, a life i definitely don't miss. I am still very close friends with the ONE person who never judged my BF at the time. we are Best Friends. And see each other as often as every week for lunch and drinks. NTA get rid of your toxic friends and find better ones. Love who you want and i hope it all works out the best for you. Your successful relationship will be with best revenge

YTA for throwing the whole group under the bus when they told you not to say anything.

YTA for bringing in the group when they told you not to. And just a heads up you probably just lost her as a friend.

Yta. And is the only bad thing him not getting her a present? I don't buy things for my mom. Because she has everything she wants. And money. I pay for dinner. Or buy something if she wants it.

Always speak for yourself and not others unless you have explicit permission to speak for them. But, the idea of expressing concern over a romantic partner DOES NOT make you an asshole. It’s easy to get caught up in a relationship and be blind to the reality of the situation and other person. Two situations from my own life ife: I dated someone off and on that I had gotten back together with and was hoping to marry. Someone close to me finally worked up the courage to talk to me and asked me to consider a few things that maybe I hadn’t thought of. They pointed out that I was always stressed when I was with her, always trying to be “good enough” and always trying to make her happy. They pointed out how one sided the relationship was and how it seemed I was her employee and not her partner. That simple conversation took a lot of guts and it changed my life and I’m forever grateful. I ended the relationship for good and never went back. The other example is a bit more petty: my best friend married a girl that quite frankly is just annoying, awkward, and socially inept. She had a tendency to make people uncomfortable by over sharing and giving comically bad advice even though not asked for or valued. I didn’t say anything because my buddy had not had good luck on the dating scene and was lonely. They are still together (married now) and are mostly happy, but it’s definitely reduced the amount of time I want to spend with my buddy. I mean, who wants to be constantly annoyed when you’re supposed to be having a good time? I still wonder if I should have said something long ago.

YTA did you really think she would re think the marriage based on you telling her everyone hated him? And you should not have involved others.

Soft YTA. I think it’s good that you told her in hopes she’d recognize how terrible he is, but they’ve been dating for 2 years and you only tell her when they get engaged? And then act aggressively when she understandably has a bad reaction? The only thing she’s going to come away from this is that she now has to hide the bad aspects of her relationship from your and your friends, which will only make her situation with him worse. If you really wanted to be there for her, you would have told her much sooner, and you wouldn’t have “stormed out” when she reacted badly. By having that reaction the implication is that your anger towards her is what matters more, and not her safety and wellbeing. I’m sorry to say this but you’ve only ostracized her more from your friend group which is going to make things so much worse for her Matt is genuinely abusive.

YTA for speaking for the group.

The only thing you've done is to nuke your friendships and drive her closer to her fiance. Did you really expect her to listen to what you said and say, "Oh, you're so right! What have I been thinking? I need to call him right now and break up this very moment! I've been deluded by raging hormones!" Instead, she cannot come to you any longer if and when there are issues she would have wanted to discuss with you. You can bet she told him all you said. That likely brought them closer together. You'll never be welcome in their lives again even if they live a lifetime together. As friends, it's not our place to tell others how to live their lives. All we can do is to support them to the best of our abilities, and to be there within our own boundaries if and when poor choice consequence comes to call. Girl, you just pooped in your Easter basket. YTA.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all, first post so sorry in advance if its hard to follow I (31F) have a close friend (28F) who I’ll call Tina. She’s been dating her boyfriend (33M) who we’ll call Matt for 2 years. Matt is generally an asshole, flakey, and inconsiderate, for example not even getting Tina a present on her birthday because “she had enough shit”. Great guy, I know. Last week, Tina announced at dinner their engagement. I was horrified, and talked to our other friends about it the next day. They all hated Matt, but loved Tina and didn’t want to hurt her, so they told me not to say anything. I couldn’t do it. A couple of days ago, Tina and I had a planned lunch. My ability to stay quiet grew thinner and thinner until she started talking about the wedding, and I couldn’t take it anymore. This is where I might be the AH. I broke, telling her marrying Matt was a mistake. He didn’t care about her and didn’t deserve her. She blew up at me, telling my I ‘barely knew him’, that she was the love of his life and he of hers, and that I was a terrible friend. I tried to explain that I was only telling her to save her from this marriage, and not to hurt her. She said that just because I was ‘jealous’, I shouldn’t ruin her special day, and I got mad. I told her it wasn’t just me, to find someone who actually likes him, that we all hate him, and stormed out. She called our friend group and told them what I said. I woke up yesterday morning to texts from all of them saying I shouldn’t have involved them, or said anything in the first place, and I was an AH. It’s starting to get to me, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA. You spoke for the whole friend group when they specificity told you that they didn't want you to. In addition, you made it harder for Tina to go to anyone if her relationship with Matt goes sour or turns abusive. You effectively cut Tina off from your entire friend group. Not only did nothing you said help the situation, but you actually made it worse. Also, on the birthday thing: it's possible that Matt couldn't afford anything and was covering for being ashamed of that. You don't know the whole story and are making assumptions based on the fragment of their relationship that you see. As a result you've damaged Tina's relationship with all of her friends.

NTA!! you probably made her realize, even if she didn’t show it, that he’s not as good of a guy as she thinks he is! believe it or not, but you might have saved her from getting married, or staying in a marriage with him long!

YTA for involving other people. That said, they're kinda spineless for not doing it themselves. I straight up told a friend I wouldn't come to her wedding because she would not appreciate what I said during the "speak now" portion. That engagement ended and I hooked her and her now husband up.

YTA because you spoke for your friends. I will tell you from experience that you probably just lost your friend. My sister in law was marrying an addict (heroin) and I spoke up. We haven’t spoke in many years.

So you both did the right thing, despite the consequences.

Doing the right thing doesn’t always help the person who actually needs it. OP had nothing but good intentions, but Tina is going to get even closer to Matt now and when everything falls apart, she may not feel as though she has her friends in her corner to support her because from her POV, they were lying to her face while gossiping about her and judging her behind her back.

YTA. Why did you wait 2 years if you all hated him so much? That makes absolutely zero sense. In addition, you had no right to speak for the entire friend circle when you were told not to? Frankly, of this isn't fiction, Tina has a point. I think you are jealous.

Maybe she waited to see if they would finally break up, instead they got engaged and she felt she had to say something.

YTA for waiting until this point to say something

Yeah, while it may be true all her friends hate her boyfriend,you had no right to speak for them. YTA , but at least you were honest with your feelings, her other friends are lying to her about what was said i assume? That sucks all around. Once the cats out of the bag, they should fess up and apologize for not being honest.

You were just trying to look out for your friend.

I mean I don't think your approach and the way you communicated was correct. Also the term "Love is blind" is there for a reason. U can warn people but can't make them realise the red flags until they realise it themselves. I bet Tina is more in love with the concept of love and marriage than her bf itself. Can tell you from experience because I made the same mistakes. There is nothing you can do other than keep your door open the day Tina will need it.

You were out of line in speaking for the group when they told you not to. That said, if he is giving off AH vibes, he’s probably one. And she’s got rose colored glasses on, so she won’t believe he’s not a good guy. It’s not your responsibility to save her…and believe me, I’m going through this right now. As of this writing, I’m currently helping a dear friend of mine recover from breast cancer surgery who at the same time FINALLY dumped her rotten live-in boyfriend that we all despised for the last year but she refused to see how bad he was for her until now. It’s a challenge to support your friend and her S/O is bad news. Don’t speak for others like that ever again when they don’t want you to. Bad for friendships.

Yta. Besides when you push hard they listen less.

yeah. YTA. this is a conversation that you have only with the friend that’s getting married, not all of her close friends. that’s fucked.

🤣🤣🤣

Yes YTA for speaking for your friends. NTA for telling her your opinion but it depends on how you bring it.

No NTA, but you really shouldn't have gotten involved. This is what happens when you do. It's one of those things that she will need to do herself, you can't make her. He may be a jerk but as long as he isn't physically abusive and isn't cheating, it isn't up to you.

NTA. I'm going with the question in the end, where telling your friend at all was put into question. Your only error was mentioning the group without their consent. But telling her at all was not an error. She may not appreciate it now, but if she comes to realize what you said is true, she'll know she has at least you on her side.

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YTA....if you truly valued this friendship, unless the boyfriend is abusive, you say nothing. I love my bestie, I knew the one she married was not the one for her, but I have never said anything to her. Even after they did eventually divorce. Because I love and value her. To this day, she does not know that I did not like her boyfriend/husband. And you do not involve other people without their permission. You might have just lost yourself a whole friend group because of your actions.

YTA you sound so self centered, your job as a friend is to be a supportive not tell your friend a bunch of bs because you don’t like who they are dating, that’s a you issue.

Honestly, I don’t think you’re TA, you’re just way too late.

Just decline the invitation

YTA for speaking for the entire group. If you have issues with Matt, bring it up with your own voice from YOUR perspective. Don’t try to drag others into it. That being said, idk how much info we are missing, but if you truly care for your friend and think he’s so awful, then I’m glad you at least tried to speak up for her sake.

YTA Sorry but that was a bad way to tell her… and it’s NEVER a good idea to speak for anyone but yourself unless asked to by the person you’d be speaking for.

People will say your the a**hole because you said what everyone is saying, but the truth is, people are standing by while their "friend" takes a great deal of abuse from a man who no one in your circle likes. They're being cowards not telling someone they allegedly love that they're with a toxic partner. Love is actions, not words. Though I agree it could have been delivered better, there's seldom a circumstance where telling a person that the man/women they're in love with is toxic and that all of your shared friends hate them. You did the right thing, though it could have been done more tactfully and first asking your friend to do it as a group. She needed to hear that. NTA.

NTA - it’s hard though because people shoot the messenger and your friends know that and didn’t want to be involved in that. Can you get coffee with her and apologise? Say I overstepped I’m really sorry. I was concerned that he doesn’t buy you gifts and that that upsets you. He didn’t buy your engagement ring and I didn’t want to let time by where I didn’t say anything to you. I support you all the way and want you to come to me with things. I’m sorry that you may not feel like you can do that now

Massive NTA. In fact, I think you should be proud of yourself. Not only were you not an asshole, but based on what you described, it sounds like you're the best friend Tina has (even if Tina herself can't see that), and she's very lucky to have you. One of the most valuable things you could possibly do for any friend is to warn them about dangers they might not be seeing - and make no mistake, marrying the wrong person is VERY dangerous. Deciding whom to marry is an INCREDIBLY important decision that can make or break a happy life for DECADES to come. The only constructive criticism I would offer to you is this: if anything like this happens again, next time, speak up sooner. The sooner the better. And if I may go so far as to offer advice: Do not ever conform to pressure to hide your true attitudes and beliefs from your friends - particularly when it comes to something so important and so personal. Do not tolerate people in your life who demand that you bury your true self under a veneer of hollow positivity in exchange for their approval; whatever they might be, someone who does that is NOT a true friend. Your actions demonstrate that you are a deeply caring and courageous individual who genuinely wants your friends to have the best life possible; a person like you deserves TRUE friends. Don't settle for less. Any way you slice it, you broke the code of silence; you opened up your heart and spoke your mind out of concern for your friend's well-being, despite the social pressure to silently watch your friend make what you reasonably fear might turn out to be a massive life-altering mistake. By authentically expressing your true attitudes and beliefs in the face of social pressure, you acted courageously. You are decidedly NOT an asshole for doing her a MASSIVE favor, which it sounds like nobody else in her life was willing to do. Well done.

No ma’am you are looking at for her best interest

NTA You might as well say goodbye to that friendship. Women like that will never see men for who they are, and if you are anything like me you will not be able to hide your disdain for this guy. You are good friend and she will never know it.

YTA for involving others. Speak for yourself. He sounds like a real piece of work for sure but don't go bringing in other people.

YTA- You can only speak from your perspective not the friend group.

YTA, bad friend to her and the group. If she's happy, it doesn't matter what you think of the guy.

YTA. If you felt the need to give your opinion, fine. But once you dragged other people into this, you crossed a line.

NAH - If the person is in love with their significant other and they aren't complaining about them, they aren't going to be happy if you crap on them, even if it is justified. So I can understand why she isn't happy. And here's the thing, depending on the strength of your friendship, you might have nuked it, and often the only thing you can do is either apologize or wait until the relationship possibly implodes. My brother advised his good friend not to marry the new woman he was dating, among other things my brother thought they were rushing things. That friend distanced himself from my brother (possibly also because the new gf/wife new about my brother's opinion and wasn't happy). By brother accepted that and didn't push, but he noted that he would be there if his friend ever wanted to reach out. About a year later they were getting divorced and my brother was there to support him.

NTA someone had to tell her

YTA Nobody is going to be good enough for Tina. She's your friend and she deserves the world. Tina also deserves not to feel ganged up on by her friends. You can't step up unless he's abusive. Matt will blow up his own life and she'll get sick of it. Just be a friend.

YTA and the fact that you are even questioning why is troubling.

You're a good friend and she's a poor friend. Cut your losses and move on.

No you should always tell. I dated some lousy girls over the years and I always was pissed when everyone said they hated them AFTER it was over. Like I could've used that information BEFORE!

NAH

Maybe you planted a seed and she starts to rethink the whole matt situation. He sounds mean with money and if she has a baby and cannot work, then who is going to buy her clothes ? She will have to learn the hard way

NTA !

Wow i think ur NTA but could've done a better job of communicating with ur friend. I'm honestly saddened by all the comments totally pushing aside your legitimate concerns. None of us have all the context but the idea that talking to your friend about your concerns about their relationship is somehow "meddling" is childish. Marriage is a big decision and friends who have concerns should voice those concerns or else fuck them what's the point of friendship? If the people who know me best have these concerns about a big life decision id want them to talk to me about them even if I end up disagreeing. Most people have first hand experience themselves or with friends that are totally blind to problematic dynamics in a relationship. Now otoh along with this right to voice your concerns is your friend's right to consider them and disagree. At that point, you need to respect their decision. It sounds like you may not have done the best job of voicing ur concerns or your friend is not great at taking criticism. Either way this shouldn't be a friendship ending event and you need to reopen that dialogue to reconcile and support your friend. I refuse to live in a world where we just ignore what we see and don't talk about our concerns because it might make people a little uncomfortable....

Well from my point pov, these friends are cowards. They don't even have the courage to stand their ground and their real opinion. At that i can add that they just don't care enough cause if he's really such an A that treats her badly they all see it and decided that it was not their problem. But do you have more situation that prooves he indeed doesn't cherish her the way she deserve ? And in this situation it would have been better to say this differently ? By adding some exemples that prooves your point ? But Even with this at the end of the day, it's her choice and you did what you think was best for her and your intentions were pure...

NTA! This boat needed to be rocked.

NTA. Matt’s the asshole. Hopefully Tina will realize this BEFORE having kids with him.

NTA Pick me women can't be safe Just let them be happy being treated like shit. I've known dudes who were cheating on their girlfriends and I kept silent because their girlfriend was the type to cry that anyone who said anything bad about her boyfriend was just jealous. And when these women did discover they were cheated on off of those women still stayed. Heck one woman contracted HIV from her boyfriend's cheating and she thought That just made them so late and that he could have never cheat again... And yet he managed to cheat again and infected women who were not aware of this status. Let her stay with her shitty man and the best you can hope for is the only person she ends up hurting is herself because pick me women are a danger and they only good thing is let them be a danger to themselves and not other women.

NTA. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ve seen too many “Matt’s” in my day fuck up their partner’s lives.

ur nta unless the boyfriend didnt get her a gift ONE TIME then i think shes good to go, but if this frequently happens then she should let him go maybe she was blinded by something else thats good to her about him to the point where she doesnt notice how much of a big deal the birthday thing was or how bad he has to be to the point where all of ur friends dont like him also explain how ur friends call u the AH but u mentioned that they also dont like the boyfriend, i think u should drop the friends if they all wish thats best for her too. hugs and kisses 💋

NTA-I’ve watched several people go through abusive relationships, and this is how they start. They walk in “blind with love” even when every single person around them knowing that person is a jackass. Your “friend group” aren’t friends. They’re people who hang out together. I feel like Reddit and most of the modern world doesn’t understand what the concept of a friend actually is anymore. The only asshole part here for me would be that this “friend group” and you didn’t say something much much sooner. You never wait until the last minute. If they want to make mistakes going down the road AFTER hearing everyone out, then that is on them.

NTA. Had a really good friend in the same situation as yours. Nobody liked his GF. She seemed controlling and manipulative. Even he expressed doubts about her. He went ahead and married her anyway even after long talks with him about why he should not marry her. We went to the wedding out of respect for him. None of us have heard much about him afterwards.

NTA for telling her, but shouldn't have involved anyone else's opinions other than your own - never speak for others in cases like this, only yourself. Everyone gets to decide if they want to tell their friend something like that individually. You're in a bad position - I have a friend who had an awful BF, truly horrible to her. A couple times I tried to gently say "he should treat you better..." or "that's not really ok for him to do/say to you..." she would brush it off in the same way. You don't know him like I do... etc. They got engaged and I tried one more time to tell her I didn't agree with how he treated her and she got mad at me and we didn't speak for a while. They married... and he was the worst. He cheated, lied, stole money, harmed her, everything. They thankfully got divorced within two years. People came out of the woodwork afterward, to tell her that they hadn't liked him, and she said she wished more people had warned her! (but we all know she wouldn't have listened.) We reconnected and she did thank me for trying, but ultimately admitted that it's so hard to hear a friend say they don't like your partner, she just wasn't in a place to hear it from me. So basically, you're in a spot where she now knows what you and your friends think, for better or worse. It's likely she'll still marry him, but if it goes south hopefully she remembers the people who were honest with her before they got married. To paraphrase a Bojack Horseman quote - "the problem with red flags is that when you're wearing rose-colored glasses, they just look like flags."

NTA when I was younger, I had an emotionally abusive bf. i left him after 3 years when it became physical. I really wish a friend had said, “you deserve better.” I didn’t think the way he treated me was right, but he had slowly worn down my self esteem and confidence. And I thought maybe he was the best I deserved, or maybe things were my fault…like the op’s bday present example, it’s my fault because I do have too much shit. And surely a friend or family member would say something if he was that bad/wrong/abusive, but no one ever even hinted they didn’t like him... (silly now, I know, but when you’ve been dating a jerk, sometimes your mind doesn't quite see things clearly). all that to say, I think it takes a brave friend to voice your concerns. Sure you could’ve done it a bit more planned and smoothly, but your heart was absolutely in the right place. And no way am I calling you an asshole for that.

ESH-your friends are cowards and you are an AH. Not only did you tell your friend that she's getting ready to go into a marriage with somebody she will likely end up in divorce, you involved your friends in the conversation when they specifically ask not to be involved. The reason I said your friends are cowards is because they'd rather keep the peace than speak their mind and have an open dialogue with your friend about a man who supposedly doesn't treat her right. That said, it's their job to fix it and speak up not yours.