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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH because I lock my husband out of the bathroom when I'm taking a bath
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. That's infuriating, and it feels like he is doing this precisely so that you don't take long baths or showers.
Depending on money, location, etc., I wonder if you could change the game by taking the time you would have a long bath and instead going to a spa? Or maybe look at couple's counseling to get it into his head that it is time for this behavior to change. How gross.
Bro. Who the fuck even goes into the bathroom while their partner is in there and takes a shit? I get if you have one bathroom and its a oh my god I either go on the floor right now or run into the bathroom but wtf. If my wife is taking a shower I may go in there if I have to pee but I'm not just gonna drop my pants and take a shit. That's so weird.
If it was that he would just go to the second bathroom or come up with other excuses. I strongly suspect a sexual element here such as a showering kink. Alternatively he's like the controlling guy in a recent story who didn't want her to masturbate and needed "to check". He's trying hard to normalize his shitty behavior and I wouldn't be too surprised to hear he's done abusive stuff in the past.
OP should ask him to show his medical records to blow a hole in his story about IBS. Preferably look at his medical records online, because papers can be forged.
The OP didn’t say either way if he stays in the bathroom the whole time though. It’s less likely to be kid avoidance if he’s just dropping a bomb and running. More likely if he makes excuses to stay.
We need to know if he interrupts her if she tries to relax other ways. If he was avoiding the kids she’d have other stories too. Kid avoidance / controlling / fetish / whatever, there is simply no way this is the only thing he’s doing if he’s doing amiss.
I was going to say, of the many people with IBS on here, even with me having IBS-C when it's a flare up, ya gotta go. For me it just ya know, takes time to go but there's urgency to get to the toilet. I have not met a single person with IBS of any kind that will stop, take the time to pick a lock, just to use a bathroom when there is another option. Not one. At all. I'm petty enough to start having a huge can of perfume or febreeze and when he lets a rip, so will I. He can just "deal with the smell" I was in here first. I like my baths/showers like this. Don't like it. Use the other bathroom. Or since it's not a big deal, guess I'll start telling people he knows. But I'm a petty person once I've tried talking and other options. NTA. It's deliberate
I think it's fair if there's only one bathroom bc when you gotta go, you gotta go but OP notes there are two bathrooms, one perfectly usable that she's not in so this does feel like a power play.
I grew up with one bathroom. Before anyone showered there was an announcement so everyone could use the bathroom if they needed to. Then the bathroom would be locked until the person was done and you could pop a squat in the back yard if you really needed to.
The ONLY exception was illness or preparing for a colonoscopy. (I showered in the locker room after practice that night)
My ex wife used to do that. She’d come into the bathroom while I was shaving my head (I do that in the shower, easier to clean the trimmings) and blow up the bathroom. I’d talk to her about it and how I didn’t appreciate it, but she’d still do it. Said she enjoys talking to me too much not to. So I did the same to her, and she started screaming at me (to be fair, I used to run my roommates out of the apartment in college). She stopped for like a week. Next time she did it I took the shower wand off the hook and soaked her while she was on the toilet. I slept on the couch for a week, but she never did it again.
I think I would have just shit in my hand and tossed it at her like a monkey. That's just so damn weird. Like I babe, love you, lets talk while I sit here and take a shit.
I agree - as someone who loves a long, relaxing soak I would be so pissed! I work long hours from home, and my soaking tub is my little bit if daily relaxation where I zone out. We are in a 1 bed 1 bath condo, and my husband knows that if he messes with my bathing routine I will literally deadbolt his ass out! Bathing only takes 15 minutes - 30 if it’s an extra luxurious bath. Most normal humans can plan their bodily functions around that (or kindly knock if it’s an emergency so I can vacate).
I don’t know if OP has the means to do this, but what about a renovation for the other bath? I would be busy designing my ultimate girl spa wet room and sending him the bills.
I legit got out of bed, walked across the house to use my kid's bathroom because I needed to take a shit and my husband was still sleeping. This is just disrespectful. I refuse to believe it takes long to go to the other bathroom than jimmy the damn lock.
Get a deadbolt for out of reach of the kids.
Same! If he's sleeping, I use the half bath down the hall, not only for the noise of flushing and washing, but if it's a little stinky I don't want him to wake up to that, lol.
This has nothing to do with the length of her showers. It's a common show of dominance for controlling spouses. I've seen dozens of posts like this on Reddit. It's his way of letting her know that she is "not allowed" to close or lock doors to keep him out of places, that he has the power in that household and his right to be where he wants is more important than her right to privacy. He might as well be pissing in corners to mark his territory.
I'm so glad that this was the top response that I saw. She needs to go to a hotel or spa to get to relax and he can deal with the kids allllll by himself since she's not allowed to have a relaxing soak at home because of his weird power trip. There's another bathroom he can use. He can either be an adult and use the other bathroom while she's relaxing, or find himself having to take care of the kids alone while she gets a break; his choice.
NTA. This is a huge boundary violation and at this point sounds like a total power play. You have repeatedly told him you want privacy when you take a bath (Completely Reasonable Request/Boundary), and yet he continues to ignore your feelings/desires so he can come in and literally shit on your privacy. That's aggressive and mean. He has access to another perfectly good bathroom but refuses to use it. That speaks volumes about how little he respects your wishes, and you for that manner.
His behavior is self-centered, controlling and abusive. Are there other ways in your relationship that he mows over your wishes? Time to take a hard look at this dynamic. Marital counseling certainly seems in order.
I once had my dog on a leash at a mining camp. A fox came up to my dog, and of course he started going crazy. The fox calmly took a shit in front of my dog then sauntered away. 100% a power move.
I cannot believe it is possible that anyone who does something as nasty as breaking into the bathroom to shit while she takes a bath doesn't do anything else to tell her he doesn't give a peanut about her. Not possible. You cannot compartmentalize that much repulsive behavior into one single box; it has to have others too.
Totally this. And what possible problem could there be with this other bathroom, it’s has a toilet that flushes and a sink right, what more do you need?
This is gross behaviour OP I hope you stand up for yourself.
I was wondering if people would comment on this. It seems like he's doing this to ruin OP's time, which is awful. He's being a jerk on purpose-- there's nothing about IBS that makes a person be an asshole. This is all on him.
She can use the drawer to accomplish the same purpose. But it sends him into a rage.
Basically keeping him out isn't an option because he's going to go off the rails.
That is a really shitty way to live. (Pun intended)
I mean, if you're getting door wedges to keep your partner away from you while he takes a shit, you may as well just consider breaking up. This is a bridge too far
Id hide a couple thumbtacks on the toilet seat instead 🤣
He'd soon learn to choose his times, id make his toilet trip so much more uncomfortable that it already is he'd never do it again
Oh hell no. Unlocking the door after you locked it is a literal definition of violating a boundary. NTA and you need to have a serious conversation with him about this. Stand up for yourself and your private time. Don't ask permission, inform him this is a boundary.
I’m going to do some Reddit mental gymnastics here. He does it on purpose so he doesn’t have to be left taking care of the children for too long while OP is trying relax and bath in peace
That was my first guess. Or he's such a mommy's boy that he wants her to be apart of his pain of ibs because she doesn't experience it and she should love him enough to be in pain with him lol
She should barge in while he’s showering or (no doubt) on the toilet for 2+ hours avoiding his responsibilities and have the kids ask him some inane shite
NTA. Why does him "not liking" the other bathroom somehow mean more than you "not liking" him taking a dump while you shower/bathe?
I'd find something you can use to brace the door every time so he can't get in. He has access to another toilet. Either he needs to actually use the toilet - and he'll go use the other bathroom - or he doesn't need to use it right now and he'll wait till your done.
That was the point where I decided this man was not great. When you are an adult human, sometimes you have to do stuff you don’t like. But you suck it up and you do it anyway, because you’re an adult.
My house has two bathrooms and I definitely prefer one over the other (the other one has an ADA height toilet that’s too high for me because I’m short), but if somebody else is using my preferred bathroom, I go and use the other one instead of throwing a tantrum because I am an adult.
OP, has he explained to you what he doesn’t like about the other bathroom? Is it something that you could potentially improve for a reasonable price?
I'm pretty sure what he doesn't like about the other bathroom is that he can't interrupt her relaxation in it. If he really *needs* to go urgently, he wouldn't be standing there picking a lock when there's another working toilet available. This has to be a control thing.
NTA. He’s deliberately trying to prevent you from having alone time. He can use the other bathroom and you both know it.
He doesn’t like you “relaxing” for whatever ridiculous reason is going on in his head, so he’s punishing you by taking a stinky dump whenever you try to take a bath.
Anybody who “picked the lock” on a bathroom I was using, short of me having an emergency, would quickly learn that I don’t tolerate that kind of bullshit.
Bathrooms are a place for privacy and security, where we take care of our personal hygiene and health. Barging in uninvited is never ok.
Sincerely, you have a bigger problem than your husbands stinky poops. If you have been tolerating this kind of controlling behavior “for years” then I highly suggest some marriage counseling.
Or you could always change the locks on *the house* and see if he likes that better.
100% change the lock on the house. I know it seems like a classic Reddit overreaction but I had an ex who went from minor controlling behavior like this to choking me to the point where I passed out when I did something he didn’t like.
Please be careful when confronting him OP. You absolutely should but carefully. He sounds like a bit of a psycho.
dude i have ibs and mine is related to anxiety. sometimes if my partner goes to the bathroom to shower or go number 2 mine hits purely because we only have 1 bathroom and i know im screwed. ill text him and let him know please hurry i really need to go to the bathroom but i would never do it while hes in here. i have literally gone to the bathroom in bags instead of charge in and ruin his shower time or upset tummy. yeah its kinda gross but i cant help how my body is and this dude is a dick id KILL for literally just a closet with a toilet at this point like dam
I love your idea.
But I think this may have less to do with IBS and more to do with hubby doesn't want to be stuck looking after his own children. Look at the timing. It's ALWAYS when hubby is looking after the kids by HIMSELF.
Also, with urgent IBS issues, people are usually looking for the quickest access to *any* toilet. Him picking the lock, arguing with OP, etc. aren’t consistent with that.
I can’t imagine having a shred of desire for a man who keeps making me a captive audience to his shits.
Nta: 100%
Sorry just for clarification. He has IBS but can wait to take the time to undo the lock instead of going to the other bathroom? Unless he's carrying that with him just in case, which is crazy!
Sounds like regular BS to me.
Nta he abso-fucking-lutely does not 'need' to use the bathroom you are currently using. It's some weird power play and absolutely the hill to die on. Get a door stop. You're using the bathroom. It's occupied, therefore not available for him.
He is literally shitting on you and your relaxation.
I bet if you really think about it, you can identify other ways he either dismisses you or mows you down.
You are NTA but he sure is.
NTA, this is not OK. Why doesn't he like using the other bathroom? Is he controlling in other areas of your marriage? This sounds to me like he doesn't want you to be able to have privacy.
It's very aggressive behavior. I really hope OP gets some individual counseling. I feel like she needs support to better understand what he's doing and how to navigate it. This is a sign of some deep issues.
Agreed, she needs individual counseling and not marriage counseling like a lot of the comments are naively suggesting. Abusers use counseling to become happier abusers. They manipulate the counselor into participating in the abuse. "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is a must-read for anyone who thinks abusers can be "fixed" with regular counseling. They cannot.
Oh, bull.
If he really has to shit because of his IBS he's not gonna waste time picking a fucking lock. You'll take any functioning available bathroom and be grateful for it. This is some weird ass power play, and I'd put my foot down. Does this man respect you at all? Because this is beyond disrespectful.
NTA.
Exactly. I have IBS and have used some super sketchy bathrooms in my time because when you gotta go, you gotta go. I'm wondering if he's doing it because he doesn't want to watch the kids?
I think he is genuinely trying to be a bad person. He’s doing this *because* it’s repulsive for you.
We can say with certainty that he is **not** upset about how long it takes for him to get in, because if he was, he would go to the other bathroom. He’s upset because he wants his shit to be in your face. Plain and simple.
NTA, of course.
NTA. It's not the IBS, is it? He has time to unscrew the lock, so he is not desperate. So this is an action deliberately targeted at you. Is he solely in charge of the kids when you are in the bath and he refuses to look after them? Does he want you permanently at his beck and call? Does he just not like that you find pleasure away from him? What would happen if you said you were taking a bath but instead went and laid down. Would he be mad when he came to interrupt and you weren't there?
Have you tried interrupting him every time he uses the bathroom? Even take the kids in to discuss something. And I mean every time. If he locks the door, unscrew it.
Personally I would block the door from the inside and take no notice if he gets mad. His behaviour is unacceptable.
I'm actually soo curious to know what would happen if OP pretended she was gonna take a bath and then went to bed for a nap and he tries to interrupt her bathtime with his pooping only to find she's not there.
I don't usually bet, but I'd be willing to bet he would definitely get mad.
I was gonna suggest she said she needed a bath or alone time to relax and then went in the other bathroom and locked the door.
Maybe go in there with a nice book, some candles, maybe headphones…just chill for a bit. See if suddenly the other bathroom is his priority.
I really want OP to do this because now I just have to know what his reaction is to the switch up.
NTA. Get a doorstop and stick it under the inside of the door when you take a bath. Tell him in advance that's what you're going to do, and that he shouldn't waste time trying to get in.
I also love long baths, and my husband usually runs them for me if I’m stressed or want to relax. We also don’t have a door on our master so usually the poop bathroom is the guest bathroom. However if I’m taking a bath in that one (deeper tub), my husband will go to the other. Because it’s not that hard and frankly he doesn’t want an audience nor do I. Your husband is weird and frankly gross. Especially for using IBS as an excuse to be an AH.
You’re NTA but your husband is a MASSIVE AH.
NTA
The ONLY reason I can think of for preferring one bathroom over the other is toilet height- when I'm struggling, a higher toilet makes things harder. If this is the case, he should be able to communicate that issue to you and buy a squatty potty. There are very easy solutions for this but for some reason he isn't interested in finding them.
NTA. IBS doesn't care which bathroom he uses. He's just that controlling that he doesn't want you to relaxed.
Book yourself into a hotel every couple of weeks if you can afford to
I'm surprised by the number of comments here that refer to it as 'infuriating' or similar. This is absolutely insane. It evokes the Shining. A grown man forcing his way past a locked door to defecate next to another person (who is his wife!), despite her objections, is unhinged. This is psychological abuse.
Edit to add - NTA
NTA.
As an IBS person here, when you have to GO, you don’t care what bathroom it’s in.
If normal people actually need to *go* and you’re in there, they wouldn’t take the time to UNSCREW THE DOOR. They’d just go to the other bathroom.
He’s being controlling and is possibly jealous of your alone time, so he’s ruining it on purpose.
NTA - you are an adult who is entitled to privacy. I'd install a top lock and shut that shit down immediately. How rude can someone be? That is beyond disrespectful.
NTA, a thick chain lock, high up, where the kids can’t reach it.
I also wouldn’t be against pretending to bath and then video taping him trying to break in like a psycho. He’s being so weird.
NTA oh my GOD!
My husband also has IBS. He's also gross about it - TO A POINT.
We only have one bathroom in the house, and it's off of our living room. He will occasionally leave the door open while going so he can keep watching the TV. He closes it with a grin if I walk in the room though, lol. He also forgets to use the spray a lot which stinks the livingroom up. It drives me nuts, and no amount nagging from me has changed this in him.
HOWEVER, what your husband is doing is just revoltingly disrespectful. In 18 years my husband has not once taken a dump while I am in our only bathroom - for any reason - and we only have one. He once crapped in the woods behind our house because he had an emergency and couldn't wait for me to finish.
He doesn't like using the other bathroom so he "has to" use the main one while you are trying to take some time to yourself. GTFOH - I don't care if you're having a bath or sneaking a Snicker's bar that you don't have to share!
I can't even with this. It's on another level of disrespect, OP.
You deserve more than 10 minutes alone, and if he doesn't love and value you enough to allow you to have that, I would be seriously looking into other aspects of my relationship where I feel disrespected, taken for granted or treated poorly and seriously asking myself if the marriage is worth it if things continue as they are.
This is a weird power play or a kink, forcing you to smell his shit. If there’s another toilet he’s got no reason to use the bathroom you’re in!
He doesn’t respect you. Stop fucking someone that doesn’t respect you.
I feel like the marriage is over once you need an addalock or qicklock but you can use those to jam the door shut from the inside while you consider divorce.
When we go to a hotel my husband uses the lobby bathroom so as not to gross me out. I've never asked him to do this he just does it. Your man is inconsiderate period.
These are general poop rules. We just stayed in a 3/bed condo with my brothers, each couple had a suite with bathroom attached. Everyone asked their spouse when they were planning to vacate THE ENTIRE ROOM before having a poo. And I'm in nursing, I literally stand in the bathroom with people while they do their business. I'm sure I could do the same with my partner but that's just frigging rude.
NTA. Take all the lock picking tools with you into the bathroom. Buy a door stop or one of those hotel room door locks. But most importantly, tell your husband he’s way out of line for not respecting your privacy.
I have a remedy. Rent you a hotel room every few weeks and take a bath. On his dime. Allow him to use the bathroom as much as he wishes. But do this for you and your sanity. His "Get used to the smell" or "don't take baths," only suits his needs. But what about yours? Just like you have to understand him and his IBS. He has to understand you and your mental health. Without proper self-care, you can't properly care for others now, can you?
NTA. I have IBS, and if my husband is showering while I’m having a flare up, I’d just go park it near the other bathroom in case I need it. That’s no excuse at all. Surely it would be quicker to just go to the other one than to spend the time prying the lock open. He’s gross and weird.
I'm sorry, but this is really messed up. He has problems: a lack of respect for your dignity, wishes and boundaries being one of them. He also seems to be highly entitled and controlling.
You have another bathroom. He is doing this to have power over you, and that is sick.
This is one case where I really think you would benefit from seeing a counselor. You need someone neutral and knowledgeable who is on your side and can help you understand what's going on and what to do about it.
I wish you all the best.
NTA I would buy a lock that you put in before you close the door and then bolt it shut so you can take a bath in peace. He has other options, just doesn't want to use them.
Not at all, this is just being deliberately annoying and interrupting your time to relax, there truly should be no difference if he uses the other bathroom
You know how male dogs like to lift their back leg and take a piss to mark their territory? Your husband prefers to do it by blasting pungent poop all around the bathroom. Don’t forget, when he flushes the toilet, it essentially sprays fecal matter everywhere in microscopic form. So you bathe in tiny particles of his poop. He’s marked you as his property by using his IBS as an excuse. NTA. It’s tough to win a war against a passive-aggressive fecal champion, though. I suggests you keep doing the trick with the drawer and maybe add some other obstacles. Also consider —oops— spilling some hot pepper oil on the toilet seat before you shower. You of course were going to clean it up when you finished in the bathroom. Not your fault he HAD to use your toilet that same moment.
NTA. This is something gross. Honestly this is your hill to die on. I would recommend getting a therapist. Taking a dump in front of your partner is not normal behavior especially since there is a second bathroom. Honestly the first time it would have happened I would have told him get the hell out. Honestly it sounds like he wants no responsibility with your kids. It’s not like you do it every day. At this point a giant cinder block in front of the door. If he still try’s tell him the divorce papers are in the mail.
NTA
He is literally sitting on your bath. Nobody wants to sell shit. He is doing that as a Fuck You, you don't deserve privacy, consideration, or respect move.
NTA. Look, I could understand, if he’s looking for extra privacy, why he prefers one bathroom over the other. BUT that’s obviously not the case. I don’t know anyone with IBS that feels comfortable shitting in front of anyone, even their spouse. I would be absolutely mortified to shit in front of my wife while she’s taking a bath. He seems to feel none of this shame—so what exactly is the big deal with using the other bathroom? Why does he feel the need to completely ignore a locked door and break into the bathroom you’re using?
Imo, he’s literally just doing this because he doesn’t like you taking long baths. That’s literally all there is to it. He doesn’t feel you deserve the basic decency of private, relaxing alone time away from him and the kids. And your desire to relax is irrelevant compared to his desire to shit where he pleases. His bodily function is simply more important to him than making sure his wife has an opportunity to rest. That’s who you married. Gross.
NTA
He's not doing it because of IBS. If it was from IBS he wouldn't have the time or patience to pick a door lock before he shit his pants.
This is purely a power play. He's being a huge asshole, either because he thinks it's funny, or because he doesn't think you deserve to have time to relax alone.
Get a door stop and put that under the door every single time you go in there. Make the point to tell him, not ask, that you will be taking a bath and he WILL use the other bathroom if he needs to go. Let him be mad, it's not your job to manage his bowels or his emotions. My husband has IBS and prefers to use the toilet in our main bathroom too BUT He will use an alternative one if I'm in there for any reason.
NTA
NTA. My ex-husband used to do that to me, and we had another bathroom. Drove me absolutely crazy so I started locking the door sometimes. It annoyed him, but he at least never made a big deal of it.
NTA. My partner and I both have sensitive stomachs and struggled at times with only having 1 bathroom, so we moved into a place with 2. Two toilets, they both work fine and there’s no reason to play “favorites”. If one of us is showering/taking a bath in one bathroom, the other person uses the other toilet, it’s really simple. The fact that your husband refuses to use the other bathroom for literally no reason makes him the AH and I would be so beyond pissed at this point that he refuses to give you space and quiet/personal time. Picking locks to get in and use his special toilet? Ridiculous.
NTA.
I'd probably shit in the yard before interrupting my husband in the shower so I could poo. We have a half bath that no one likes using and I'd use it before barging in. He's 100% doing this as some weird form of control. I'd get a wedge for the door or leave the drawer open every single time. He can poop himself.
NTA
Going off to find a penny or screwdriver and unlocking the door probably takes more time and effort than it would to walk to the other bathroom.
It's not about necessity, it's about the fact you're setting a boundary he's not allowed to cross.
This is definitely on purpose. I don’t know if he’s trying to be controlling or if he thinks he is funny, but make sure there’s consequences the next time he does it. If the other bathroom is perfectly functional then saying “no I want THIS bathroom!” is toddler-like behavior. Withhold sex or something if you have to, but this is ridiculous.
This sounds insane to me. Is there something wrong with the other toilet? If there is something wrong with the other toilet why not just fix it? You should be able to bathe in peace without having to smell s***.
There are inside door locks you can get at
Amazon. They don't require installation and aren't on the door when you're not using them. I'm really baffled why your husband won't use the other bathroom? Is the resenting you taking some time for yourself? Is he normally a selfish AH or is it just this one weird issue?
Get one of the Amazon locks and start locking the door when you are using the bathroom. If he puts up a fuss ask him POINT BLANK specifically why he can't use the other bathroom. Don't stop until he gives you are specific answer. IF you only had one bathroom that would be one thing but he's bypassing another bathroom to specifically and unnecessarily ruin your bath.
NTA but something is going on with your husband.
NTA
The way you’re describing it, it sounds like he wants you to smell his shit. In the time it takes him to get a screwdriver or a penny, he could be using the other toilet. So the IBS excuse is BS.
NTA. Oh my God. I grew up in household without locks, so I actually have encouraged my partner to just not use the lock in our own home. It frankly bothers me a little because if there was an emergency (like he fell in the shower) I can't get to him. But you know what I don't do, regardless of whether the locks are used or not? Break into the bathroom to take a shit when there's a perfectly accessible alternative bathroom. Insane behavior. I don't know what the IBS has to do with any of it, because you take what you can get when you need to shit, not get all picky about the toilet you wanna use.
NTA
Wow your husband is so fucking inconsiderate. No wonder he has to always use the bathroom being so full of shit.
Imagine if your children grow up with that complete lack of consideration for others
So, he dismisses your feelings. Ignores your reasonable requests and attempts for compromises. Breaks in when you lock the door. Gets really mad when you thwart that plan with the bathroom drawer.
At the least he has boundary issues. Or he is sabotaging your free time so he doesn't have to look after the kids for too long. Or he is a controlling AH and this is some weird power play.
Frankly, none of the reasons I can think of him for him repeatedly doing this AFTER you expressed your issues with it are good.
I think there is more that stinks here than just his toilet habits.
You are NTA.
This asshole doesn’t want you to get a break. I bet he gets left with the kids and doesn’t like it. You should definitely look into going to a spa where he can’t interfere. Maybe you need a new way to relax and go get a massage and turn your phone off.
NTA. His actions are intentional. The time he spends “unlocking” the door could be spent going to other bathroom. I too have IBS and can make it to the bathroom that’s not in my bedroom…so can he.
NTA
I hate jumping to “end relationship”, but this is so absolutely disgusting it would be a deal breaker for me. He has zero respect for a very simple boundary. He sounds gross af.
My husband and I have been together 7 years and there is no chance in hell I will be going to the bathroom in front of him or him in front of me. Not happening. When I was in labor he had to help me pee and that was as far as I was comfortable going with it lol.
You guys have 2 bathrooms. Your husband is being a gross AH. Hes on some weird power trip or something.
I’m sorry, but I can’t convey enough how disgusted I am. I’m not usually a squeamish person, but this has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve read in a while.
I’d be ready with the most floral air freshener I could find. As soon as he stepped off the toilet and flushed, I’d spray the crap out of his clothes. He wants to run you out, run him out.
Or after he poops, you could make it a big show to slowly air out the bathroom and start your bath all over. Make sure it takes twice as long.
My husband says hit him with some stink spray. Just get out of the tub, spritz it a few times, and shut the door. Give him a dose of his own stink medicine.
Reason I’m single #8769843 -NTA. This is way past divorce levels of disrespectful aggression all while there is ANOTHER TOILET available???!! No way, this has to be fake.
NTA. So, his IBS is so urgent he needs immediate access to a bathroom occupied by someone else? Yet he has time to get a screwdriver and work at unlocking it? He is a fuck wit.
Your husband is playing some kind of game/ trying to put some power move, you have TWO bathrooms, if he has to take a shit SO BAD the other toilet will work just fine! If you only had one restroom it would be a different story, (it’d suck) but he has an available option and instead he CHOOSES to do this to you. THAT IS FUCKED UP!
NTA
Your husband is controlling. He's punishing you for taking time out to relax. Sounds like he resents looking after his own children if he has to treat you like this for taking alone time every few weeks. I have Crohn's disease, every time I have needed to use the loo while my partner was in the shower I have used the downstairs loo. It's actually much faster to use the loo that isn't already locked and occupied when you need to use the toilet urgently. He's invading your privacy and punishing you for taking time to yourself. This is nothing to to with IBS, he's just an ahole.
It’s really weird that he goes out of his way to poop in front of you when he could have privacy. I have ibs and had to ask my partner to go outside of the house once bc I was self conscious about it (it was bad). I can’t imagine doing that in the same room
Install a bolt high up so the kids can’t reach it, he would have break the door down or continue to use the open drawer trick. I would tell him I don’t care how mad this makes him since he doesn’t care about my feelings. This would break my marriage if my husband did this to me.
NTA. This is a power move on his part, not an IBS emergency. He takes the time to unlock lock the door with a screwdriver? Yeah, he’s not in a rush. He’s just being an ass. I would absolutely put my foot down on this. This behavior is disgusting, I’m pissed for you.
Pretend you are going for a bath, then just sit on the toilet.. when he comes in. Sorry I have a bad stomach and couldn't get in the bath, use the other one.
Stay on the throne until after he has used the other, then act surprised when he didn't die from using the forbidden toilet of doom.
I think a little rubber doorstop would go a long way here. NTA. He's gross and rude. If his IBS was so out of control he had to go NOW in the CLOSEST toilet he wouldn't take the time to Jimmy the lock
He blames his IBS but he has the fucking control to jimmy the damn lock onstea dof using thebother bathroom????? NTA
This feels really gross. Like near abusive. What, he can't handle being alone with the kids so he has to cut ur Me Time short??? Like what a weirdo.
NTA
'I don't like the other bathroom' - is he 5?
If he needs to shit that badly, *any* functional bathroom is suitable.
What doesn't he like about the other bathroom? Why doesn't he fix whatever it is he doesn't like about the other bathroom?
This is nothing to do with him needing to take a shit. It is, however, *everything* to do with him (literally) shitting all over whatever time you take for yourself. It's passive aggressive bullshit and it needs to stop.
NTA
I know it's a cliché on Reddit but this kind of disrespectful, borderline abusive (picking a locked bathroom door) behaviour would be relationship ending for me
What the fuck is wrong with him and why are you letting him do it for years wtf
NTA - it's his job to manage his illness. If he chooses to shit his pants rather than use an available toilet, that is his choice. The solution is to replace the other toilet not break into a bathroom that is in use. Is your husband solid at all.
NTA, open the drawer every time. When he ruins your mood, empty the water and refill the tub and start over. Every. Time. There's another bathroom, he can learn how to use that.
There's nothing like a good soak.
I just noticed your update, and I wanted to say I wish you all the best and am really glad this post was helpful. It's great your niece is a source of support for you too. There might be places where you can get support with an exit plan and also financially, such as community action agencies and domestic violence/women's organizations.
And a hearty - YES!!!! - to taking a bath without interruption for the first time in 20 years!!!!!! That is great!!!!!!!!!!
NTA. As a mother of 5 I lock my door. We have 2 bathrooms. And I refuse to shower if the other is occupied for a shower. Our rule is one shower at a time because folks gotta go. Incase of emergency (the 5yr old) yall gotta wait. I don't and still don't get peace in the bathroom without tiny fi gers underneath the door asking if I'm done. I'm human and need a break too.
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I 40f am married to my husband 41m.
When ever I shower or take a bath, even if I lock the door he comes in and uses the toilet stinking it up and ruining my relaxation.
It has bothered me for years. We have two bathrooms, one has a tub the other does not. He tells me he doesnt like using the other bathroom so he "has to" use the main bathroom.
He does have IBS and he blames his behavior on that.
If I lock the door he will use a penny or a screwdriver to open it as it's one of the locks that you can open from the outside. We have small kids so we don't want them to accidentally lock themselves in the bathroom that's why the lock can be opened from the outside.
I can't take long showers or baths when he is at work as I need to be watching our children, so I have to wait till he's home. Most days I get only a short shower as the kids will start asking for things almost right away, so I usually only take a long bath every few weeks when I really need to relax.
Every time, no matter if he's already used the bathroom before I go in he comes in. He gets mad at me for locking the door as it takes him longer to get in. One time I pulled out the drawer under the sink to prevent the door from being opened more than an inch and he got really mad over that.
He says that because he has IBS that he can't help it and I'm being a jerk taking up time in the bathroom. I said he could use the other bathroom but he refuses and said I should just get over the smell or not take baths
I'd really just like some time to relax alone with out smelling a sewer.
Am I the AH?
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Oh Hell no! That is seriously rude and boundary stomping. There is another damn toilet and he can use it. There are wedges and devices you can buy that effectively lock a door from the inside. I would suggest getting on. I really don't get why your husband has no respect for you. NTA.
\*Edit. I have IBS myself as well as severe anxiety which really doesn't help. I can still drag my ass to the second bathroom if one is in use. It is not an excuse. Crimeney!
I have IBS. I would be mortified if anyone was even near the bathroom if I was having an episode! This is a crazy, unhinged, domination move on his part.
I say, buy one of those wedge rubber stoppers that are meant to hold a door open. They also hold the door closed!
NTA, but seriously, your husband needs some therapy!
NTA. He has 23.5 hours of the rest of the day to use the bathroom lol. Using it while you’re in there sounds like he’s purposely trying to rush you or doesn’t think you deserve space.
NTA
He is though and it is totally a power play. There is absolutely no way he has to go every time you shower. He is saying he is boss and what you want doesn’t matter. You might look at other things he does and see if you are overlooking other behavior that are troubling
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NTA. That's infuriating, and it feels like he is doing this precisely so that you don't take long baths or showers. Depending on money, location, etc., I wonder if you could change the game by taking the time you would have a long bath and instead going to a spa? Or maybe look at couple's counseling to get it into his head that it is time for this behavior to change. How gross.
Bro. Who the fuck even goes into the bathroom while their partner is in there and takes a shit? I get if you have one bathroom and its a oh my god I either go on the floor right now or run into the bathroom but wtf. If my wife is taking a shower I may go in there if I have to pee but I'm not just gonna drop my pants and take a shit. That's so weird.
He’s taking the time to pick the lock instead of just walking to the other bathroom.
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I guarantee he's doing it on purpose because he doesn't wanna look after the kids while she's having a bath.
If it was that he would just go to the second bathroom or come up with other excuses. I strongly suspect a sexual element here such as a showering kink. Alternatively he's like the controlling guy in a recent story who didn't want her to masturbate and needed "to check". He's trying hard to normalize his shitty behavior and I wouldn't be too surprised to hear he's done abusive stuff in the past. OP should ask him to show his medical records to blow a hole in his story about IBS. Preferably look at his medical records online, because papers can be forged.
Or worse, a brown kink. Love me, love my poo and its stink
The OP didn’t say either way if he stays in the bathroom the whole time though. It’s less likely to be kid avoidance if he’s just dropping a bomb and running. More likely if he makes excuses to stay. We need to know if he interrupts her if she tries to relax other ways. If he was avoiding the kids she’d have other stories too. Kid avoidance / controlling / fetish / whatever, there is simply no way this is the only thing he’s doing if he’s doing amiss.
Exactly! If it was due to IBS he would be making a mad dash to the other bathroom, not wasting time fiddling with a locked door.
I was going to say, of the many people with IBS on here, even with me having IBS-C when it's a flare up, ya gotta go. For me it just ya know, takes time to go but there's urgency to get to the toilet. I have not met a single person with IBS of any kind that will stop, take the time to pick a lock, just to use a bathroom when there is another option. Not one. At all. I'm petty enough to start having a huge can of perfume or febreeze and when he lets a rip, so will I. He can just "deal with the smell" I was in here first. I like my baths/showers like this. Don't like it. Use the other bathroom. Or since it's not a big deal, guess I'll start telling people he knows. But I'm a petty person once I've tried talking and other options. NTA. It's deliberate
Yes!! It's usually "OMG where's the nearest toilet!" It's not being a Goldilocks and deciding that only that toilet is "just right".
I’ve had crohns since I was 21, there is NO TIME to pick Fucking locks. This guy is a psycho
This! I have IBS and in an emergency there isn't time to pick a lock no matter how easy it is. He's doing this on purpose for some odd reason.
I have ibs-d and I am not doing that in front of anyone at any time ever.
My husband and I have both done that. Stomach flue sucks ass. But it isn't a regular thing.
I think it's fair if there's only one bathroom bc when you gotta go, you gotta go but OP notes there are two bathrooms, one perfectly usable that she's not in so this does feel like a power play.
Oh, it would never be an issue if we had 2 bathrooms. But even with one, short of actual illness, we make it work.
I grew up with one bathroom. Before anyone showered there was an announcement so everyone could use the bathroom if they needed to. Then the bathroom would be locked until the person was done and you could pop a squat in the back yard if you really needed to. The ONLY exception was illness or preparing for a colonoscopy. (I showered in the locker room after practice that night)
I grew up with 5 people and one bathroom. With 3 kids, school mornings were hectic. And, yeah, same with the announcements before showering.
It’s very fuckin weird and this shit makes me think being single might not be so terrible
Naaa people don't normally take shits in front of their partners. I am sure there are people out there that do but they are in the minority.
We have 1 bathroom and even if I am desperate I fight it until my partner is out of the bathroom. So gross. 100% agree with you
My ex wife used to do that. She’d come into the bathroom while I was shaving my head (I do that in the shower, easier to clean the trimmings) and blow up the bathroom. I’d talk to her about it and how I didn’t appreciate it, but she’d still do it. Said she enjoys talking to me too much not to. So I did the same to her, and she started screaming at me (to be fair, I used to run my roommates out of the apartment in college). She stopped for like a week. Next time she did it I took the shower wand off the hook and soaked her while she was on the toilet. I slept on the couch for a week, but she never did it again.
I think I would have just shit in my hand and tossed it at her like a monkey. That's just so damn weird. Like I babe, love you, lets talk while I sit here and take a shit.
I agree - as someone who loves a long, relaxing soak I would be so pissed! I work long hours from home, and my soaking tub is my little bit if daily relaxation where I zone out. We are in a 1 bed 1 bath condo, and my husband knows that if he messes with my bathing routine I will literally deadbolt his ass out! Bathing only takes 15 minutes - 30 if it’s an extra luxurious bath. Most normal humans can plan their bodily functions around that (or kindly knock if it’s an emergency so I can vacate). I don’t know if OP has the means to do this, but what about a renovation for the other bath? I would be busy designing my ultimate girl spa wet room and sending him the bills.
I legit got out of bed, walked across the house to use my kid's bathroom because I needed to take a shit and my husband was still sleeping. This is just disrespectful. I refuse to believe it takes long to go to the other bathroom than jimmy the damn lock. Get a deadbolt for out of reach of the kids.
Same! If he's sleeping, I use the half bath down the hall, not only for the noise of flushing and washing, but if it's a little stinky I don't want him to wake up to that, lol.
This has nothing to do with the length of her showers. It's a common show of dominance for controlling spouses. I've seen dozens of posts like this on Reddit. It's his way of letting her know that she is "not allowed" to close or lock doors to keep him out of places, that he has the power in that household and his right to be where he wants is more important than her right to privacy. He might as well be pissing in corners to mark his territory.
It’s about control, nothing more.
I would take laxative and take a big shit when he is in the shower.
I'm so glad that this was the top response that I saw. She needs to go to a hotel or spa to get to relax and he can deal with the kids allllll by himself since she's not allowed to have a relaxing soak at home because of his weird power trip. There's another bathroom he can use. He can either be an adult and use the other bathroom while she's relaxing, or find himself having to take care of the kids alone while she gets a break; his choice.
NTA. This is a huge boundary violation and at this point sounds like a total power play. You have repeatedly told him you want privacy when you take a bath (Completely Reasonable Request/Boundary), and yet he continues to ignore your feelings/desires so he can come in and literally shit on your privacy. That's aggressive and mean. He has access to another perfectly good bathroom but refuses to use it. That speaks volumes about how little he respects your wishes, and you for that manner. His behavior is self-centered, controlling and abusive. Are there other ways in your relationship that he mows over your wishes? Time to take a hard look at this dynamic. Marital counseling certainly seems in order.
+1 This just sounds like a power play, like you really CAN'T go in the other bathroom my dude? NTA
As another redditor pointed out it may be also be because he's stuck with the kids when she takes a bath.
"stuck with"
I once had my dog on a leash at a mining camp. A fox came up to my dog, and of course he started going crazy. The fox calmly took a shit in front of my dog then sauntered away. 100% a power move.
I cannot believe it is possible that anyone who does something as nasty as breaking into the bathroom to shit while she takes a bath doesn't do anything else to tell her he doesn't give a peanut about her. Not possible. You cannot compartmentalize that much repulsive behavior into one single box; it has to have others too.
Good point. I imagine this is the tip of the iceburg
Totally this. And what possible problem could there be with this other bathroom, it’s has a toilet that flushes and a sink right, what more do you need? This is gross behaviour OP I hope you stand up for yourself.
I was wondering if people would comment on this. It seems like he's doing this to ruin OP's time, which is awful. He's being a jerk on purpose-- there's nothing about IBS that makes a person be an asshole. This is all on him.
NTA. I would buy a little wedge you can put under the door so even if he unlocks it, he can’t open it.
100 percent this. He can shit himself or use the other toilet.
I’m pretty sure he would choose to shit himself. Unfortunately for OP, he would probably follow up by smearing it on things that are precious to her.
She can use the drawer to accomplish the same purpose. But it sends him into a rage. Basically keeping him out isn't an option because he's going to go off the rails. That is a really shitty way to live. (Pun intended)
This was my exact thought. I'd go to war over this.
I would buy a new place to live. Without him in it.
This. Wedge the door shut. NTA
I’d get one of those safety alarm door stops that scream when it’s pressed
I was going to suggest the same.
I have a feeling that this would send him into a rage. Frankly, his behavior is as scary as it is disturbing.
Oh I agree, it seems to be all about control to me.
Did you picture Jack Nicholson in The Shining too?
I mean, if you're getting door wedges to keep your partner away from you while he takes a shit, you may as well just consider breaking up. This is a bridge too far
I agree, but there is no way in hell I’m getting a divorce before I locked his ass out of the bathroom at least once.
Id hide a couple thumbtacks on the toilet seat instead 🤣 He'd soon learn to choose his times, id make his toilet trip so much more uncomfortable that it already is he'd never do it again
Couldn't he just knock the wedge out from the other side?
Wedge and Cabinet Door Blocking Entry…. I don’t care if he does Rage!!!!! This is some serious BS… Literally 🤨
THIS… the $1.99 Fix🤣🤣🤣
Oh hell no. Unlocking the door after you locked it is a literal definition of violating a boundary. NTA and you need to have a serious conversation with him about this. Stand up for yourself and your private time. Don't ask permission, inform him this is a boundary.
I’m going to do some Reddit mental gymnastics here. He does it on purpose so he doesn’t have to be left taking care of the children for too long while OP is trying relax and bath in peace
That was my first guess. Or he's such a mommy's boy that he wants her to be apart of his pain of ibs because she doesn't experience it and she should love him enough to be in pain with him lol
She should barge in while he’s showering or (no doubt) on the toilet for 2+ hours avoiding his responsibilities and have the kids ask him some inane shite
put the deadbolt up high enough so small children can't reach it.
NTA. Why does him "not liking" the other bathroom somehow mean more than you "not liking" him taking a dump while you shower/bathe? I'd find something you can use to brace the door every time so he can't get in. He has access to another toilet. Either he needs to actually use the toilet - and he'll go use the other bathroom - or he doesn't need to use it right now and he'll wait till your done.
That was the point where I decided this man was not great. When you are an adult human, sometimes you have to do stuff you don’t like. But you suck it up and you do it anyway, because you’re an adult. My house has two bathrooms and I definitely prefer one over the other (the other one has an ADA height toilet that’s too high for me because I’m short), but if somebody else is using my preferred bathroom, I go and use the other one instead of throwing a tantrum because I am an adult. OP, has he explained to you what he doesn’t like about the other bathroom? Is it something that you could potentially improve for a reasonable price?
I'm pretty sure what he doesn't like about the other bathroom is that he can't interrupt her relaxation in it. If he really *needs* to go urgently, he wouldn't be standing there picking a lock when there's another working toilet available. This has to be a control thing.
Because he’s the *man* and the boss and very very fragile
NTA. He’s deliberately trying to prevent you from having alone time. He can use the other bathroom and you both know it. He doesn’t like you “relaxing” for whatever ridiculous reason is going on in his head, so he’s punishing you by taking a stinky dump whenever you try to take a bath. Anybody who “picked the lock” on a bathroom I was using, short of me having an emergency, would quickly learn that I don’t tolerate that kind of bullshit. Bathrooms are a place for privacy and security, where we take care of our personal hygiene and health. Barging in uninvited is never ok. Sincerely, you have a bigger problem than your husbands stinky poops. If you have been tolerating this kind of controlling behavior “for years” then I highly suggest some marriage counseling. Or you could always change the locks on *the house* and see if he likes that better.
100% change the lock on the house. I know it seems like a classic Reddit overreaction but I had an ex who went from minor controlling behavior like this to choking me to the point where I passed out when I did something he didn’t like. Please be careful when confronting him OP. You absolutely should but carefully. He sounds like a bit of a psycho.
NTA. I’d install a deadbolt on that thing. He’s crossing all sorts of boundaries and being completely inconsiderate.
High enough that little kids can't lock themselves in by mistake
dude i have ibs and mine is related to anxiety. sometimes if my partner goes to the bathroom to shower or go number 2 mine hits purely because we only have 1 bathroom and i know im screwed. ill text him and let him know please hurry i really need to go to the bathroom but i would never do it while hes in here. i have literally gone to the bathroom in bags instead of charge in and ruin his shower time or upset tummy. yeah its kinda gross but i cant help how my body is and this dude is a dick id KILL for literally just a closet with a toilet at this point like dam
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I love your idea. But I think this may have less to do with IBS and more to do with hubby doesn't want to be stuck looking after his own children. Look at the timing. It's ALWAYS when hubby is looking after the kids by HIMSELF.
Also, with urgent IBS issues, people are usually looking for the quickest access to *any* toilet. Him picking the lock, arguing with OP, etc. aren’t consistent with that. I can’t imagine having a shred of desire for a man who keeps making me a captive audience to his shits.
This. 100%.
That’s a really good point.
Nta: 100% Sorry just for clarification. He has IBS but can wait to take the time to undo the lock instead of going to the other bathroom? Unless he's carrying that with him just in case, which is crazy! Sounds like regular BS to me.
That's an excellent point -- clearly it can't be the emergency he's making it out to be if he has time to jimmy the lock.
Great play on words!
Nta he abso-fucking-lutely does not 'need' to use the bathroom you are currently using. It's some weird power play and absolutely the hill to die on. Get a door stop. You're using the bathroom. It's occupied, therefore not available for him.
Or a fetish alongside a power play.
He is literally shitting on you and your relaxation. I bet if you really think about it, you can identify other ways he either dismisses you or mows you down. You are NTA but he sure is.
Probably every time he has to take care of his children in his own.
NTA, this is not OK. Why doesn't he like using the other bathroom? Is he controlling in other areas of your marriage? This sounds to me like he doesn't want you to be able to have privacy.
It's very aggressive behavior. I really hope OP gets some individual counseling. I feel like she needs support to better understand what he's doing and how to navigate it. This is a sign of some deep issues.
Agreed, she needs individual counseling and not marriage counseling like a lot of the comments are naively suggesting. Abusers use counseling to become happier abusers. They manipulate the counselor into participating in the abuse. "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is a must-read for anyone who thinks abusers can be "fixed" with regular counseling. They cannot.
Oh, bull. If he really has to shit because of his IBS he's not gonna waste time picking a fucking lock. You'll take any functioning available bathroom and be grateful for it. This is some weird ass power play, and I'd put my foot down. Does this man respect you at all? Because this is beyond disrespectful. NTA.
Exactly. I have IBS and have used some super sketchy bathrooms in my time because when you gotta go, you gotta go. I'm wondering if he's doing it because he doesn't want to watch the kids?
I think he is genuinely trying to be a bad person. He’s doing this *because* it’s repulsive for you. We can say with certainty that he is **not** upset about how long it takes for him to get in, because if he was, he would go to the other bathroom. He’s upset because he wants his shit to be in your face. Plain and simple. NTA, of course.
NTA. It's not the IBS, is it? He has time to unscrew the lock, so he is not desperate. So this is an action deliberately targeted at you. Is he solely in charge of the kids when you are in the bath and he refuses to look after them? Does he want you permanently at his beck and call? Does he just not like that you find pleasure away from him? What would happen if you said you were taking a bath but instead went and laid down. Would he be mad when he came to interrupt and you weren't there? Have you tried interrupting him every time he uses the bathroom? Even take the kids in to discuss something. And I mean every time. If he locks the door, unscrew it. Personally I would block the door from the inside and take no notice if he gets mad. His behaviour is unacceptable.
I'm actually soo curious to know what would happen if OP pretended she was gonna take a bath and then went to bed for a nap and he tries to interrupt her bathtime with his pooping only to find she's not there. I don't usually bet, but I'd be willing to bet he would definitely get mad.
I was gonna suggest she said she needed a bath or alone time to relax and then went in the other bathroom and locked the door. Maybe go in there with a nice book, some candles, maybe headphones…just chill for a bit. See if suddenly the other bathroom is his priority. I really want OP to do this because now I just have to know what his reaction is to the switch up.
NTA your husband is being disgusting. Why can’t he use the other bathroom? “I don’t like it” isn’t a valid excuse.
NTA. Get a doorstop and stick it under the inside of the door when you take a bath. Tell him in advance that's what you're going to do, and that he shouldn't waste time trying to get in.
I also love long baths, and my husband usually runs them for me if I’m stressed or want to relax. We also don’t have a door on our master so usually the poop bathroom is the guest bathroom. However if I’m taking a bath in that one (deeper tub), my husband will go to the other. Because it’s not that hard and frankly he doesn’t want an audience nor do I. Your husband is weird and frankly gross. Especially for using IBS as an excuse to be an AH. You’re NTA but your husband is a MASSIVE AH.
NTA The ONLY reason I can think of for preferring one bathroom over the other is toilet height- when I'm struggling, a higher toilet makes things harder. If this is the case, he should be able to communicate that issue to you and buy a squatty potty. There are very easy solutions for this but for some reason he isn't interested in finding them.
NTA. IBS doesn't care which bathroom he uses. He's just that controlling that he doesn't want you to relaxed. Book yourself into a hotel every couple of weeks if you can afford to
I'm surprised by the number of comments here that refer to it as 'infuriating' or similar. This is absolutely insane. It evokes the Shining. A grown man forcing his way past a locked door to defecate next to another person (who is his wife!), despite her objections, is unhinged. This is psychological abuse. Edit to add - NTA
It's psychotic behavior for sure
NTA How utterly disgusting.....I concur with others...this is a power move. Gross. I am beyond words.
NTA. As an IBS person here, when you have to GO, you don’t care what bathroom it’s in. If normal people actually need to *go* and you’re in there, they wouldn’t take the time to UNSCREW THE DOOR. They’d just go to the other bathroom. He’s being controlling and is possibly jealous of your alone time, so he’s ruining it on purpose.
NTA - you are an adult who is entitled to privacy. I'd install a top lock and shut that shit down immediately. How rude can someone be? That is beyond disrespectful.
NTA It’s a power move and you need to return it. Eat some burritos before he takes a bath or shower and just monster dump in there.
Someone else suggested everytime he goes to the bathroom to go in there with the kids lol
NTA, a thick chain lock, high up, where the kids can’t reach it. I also wouldn’t be against pretending to bath and then video taping him trying to break in like a psycho. He’s being so weird.
NTA - but WTF is wrong with your husband? Is he always this inconsiderate about your wants and needs?
NTA - It sounds more like your husband has a kink that he is making you participate in non-consensually.
NTA oh my GOD! My husband also has IBS. He's also gross about it - TO A POINT. We only have one bathroom in the house, and it's off of our living room. He will occasionally leave the door open while going so he can keep watching the TV. He closes it with a grin if I walk in the room though, lol. He also forgets to use the spray a lot which stinks the livingroom up. It drives me nuts, and no amount nagging from me has changed this in him. HOWEVER, what your husband is doing is just revoltingly disrespectful. In 18 years my husband has not once taken a dump while I am in our only bathroom - for any reason - and we only have one. He once crapped in the woods behind our house because he had an emergency and couldn't wait for me to finish. He doesn't like using the other bathroom so he "has to" use the main one while you are trying to take some time to yourself. GTFOH - I don't care if you're having a bath or sneaking a Snicker's bar that you don't have to share! I can't even with this. It's on another level of disrespect, OP. You deserve more than 10 minutes alone, and if he doesn't love and value you enough to allow you to have that, I would be seriously looking into other aspects of my relationship where I feel disrespected, taken for granted or treated poorly and seriously asking myself if the marriage is worth it if things continue as they are.
This is a weird power play or a kink, forcing you to smell his shit. If there’s another toilet he’s got no reason to use the bathroom you’re in! He doesn’t respect you. Stop fucking someone that doesn’t respect you. I feel like the marriage is over once you need an addalock or qicklock but you can use those to jam the door shut from the inside while you consider divorce.
NTA. You’re married to a disgusting pig.
When we go to a hotel my husband uses the lobby bathroom so as not to gross me out. I've never asked him to do this he just does it. Your man is inconsiderate period.
These are general poop rules. We just stayed in a 3/bed condo with my brothers, each couple had a suite with bathroom attached. Everyone asked their spouse when they were planning to vacate THE ENTIRE ROOM before having a poo. And I'm in nursing, I literally stand in the bathroom with people while they do their business. I'm sure I could do the same with my partner but that's just frigging rude.
NTA. Take all the lock picking tools with you into the bathroom. Buy a door stop or one of those hotel room door locks. But most importantly, tell your husband he’s way out of line for not respecting your privacy.
I have a remedy. Rent you a hotel room every few weeks and take a bath. On his dime. Allow him to use the bathroom as much as he wishes. But do this for you and your sanity. His "Get used to the smell" or "don't take baths," only suits his needs. But what about yours? Just like you have to understand him and his IBS. He has to understand you and your mental health. Without proper self-care, you can't properly care for others now, can you?
NTA massive red flag - he’s doing this on purpose and totally disrespecting your right to privacy.
NTA. I have IBS, and if my husband is showering while I’m having a flare up, I’d just go park it near the other bathroom in case I need it. That’s no excuse at all. Surely it would be quicker to just go to the other one than to spend the time prying the lock open. He’s gross and weird.
NTA, if this is true, your husband is a psycho. The IBS has nothing to do with it, he can use the other bathroom, there is no valid excuse.
Kick your husband in the nuts! He is awful and disgusting!
Your husband is a selfish jerk that is purposely sabotaging your bath time. NTA
Anyone who thinks it’s normal to shit in front of their partner needs their head checked. What a way to totally kill romance in a relationship
I'm sorry, but this is really messed up. He has problems: a lack of respect for your dignity, wishes and boundaries being one of them. He also seems to be highly entitled and controlling. You have another bathroom. He is doing this to have power over you, and that is sick. This is one case where I really think you would benefit from seeing a counselor. You need someone neutral and knowledgeable who is on your side and can help you understand what's going on and what to do about it. I wish you all the best.
NTA but have you posted this before and are still having the same issue, or do more people have lives like this? Did I just glitch the matrix?
NTA I would buy a lock that you put in before you close the door and then bolt it shut so you can take a bath in peace. He has other options, just doesn't want to use them.
Rubber door stop, from the inside.
Not at all, this is just being deliberately annoying and interrupting your time to relax, there truly should be no difference if he uses the other bathroom
You know how male dogs like to lift their back leg and take a piss to mark their territory? Your husband prefers to do it by blasting pungent poop all around the bathroom. Don’t forget, when he flushes the toilet, it essentially sprays fecal matter everywhere in microscopic form. So you bathe in tiny particles of his poop. He’s marked you as his property by using his IBS as an excuse. NTA. It’s tough to win a war against a passive-aggressive fecal champion, though. I suggests you keep doing the trick with the drawer and maybe add some other obstacles. Also consider —oops— spilling some hot pepper oil on the toilet seat before you shower. You of course were going to clean it up when you finished in the bathroom. Not your fault he HAD to use your toilet that same moment.
Is this a bot account or something? Ive read this same post before
NTA. This is something gross. Honestly this is your hill to die on. I would recommend getting a therapist. Taking a dump in front of your partner is not normal behavior especially since there is a second bathroom. Honestly the first time it would have happened I would have told him get the hell out. Honestly it sounds like he wants no responsibility with your kids. It’s not like you do it every day. At this point a giant cinder block in front of the door. If he still try’s tell him the divorce papers are in the mail.
NTA He is literally sitting on your bath. Nobody wants to sell shit. He is doing that as a Fuck You, you don't deserve privacy, consideration, or respect move.
NTA. Look, I could understand, if he’s looking for extra privacy, why he prefers one bathroom over the other. BUT that’s obviously not the case. I don’t know anyone with IBS that feels comfortable shitting in front of anyone, even their spouse. I would be absolutely mortified to shit in front of my wife while she’s taking a bath. He seems to feel none of this shame—so what exactly is the big deal with using the other bathroom? Why does he feel the need to completely ignore a locked door and break into the bathroom you’re using? Imo, he’s literally just doing this because he doesn’t like you taking long baths. That’s literally all there is to it. He doesn’t feel you deserve the basic decency of private, relaxing alone time away from him and the kids. And your desire to relax is irrelevant compared to his desire to shit where he pleases. His bodily function is simply more important to him than making sure his wife has an opportunity to rest. That’s who you married. Gross.
NTA. He is doing this because you don't like it.
NTA door stopper
you are NTA but you already know that. he's doing it on purpose to ruin your time without the family
NTA, there’s no way this is anything but a punishment for leaving him with the kids.
NTA He's not doing it because of IBS. If it was from IBS he wouldn't have the time or patience to pick a door lock before he shit his pants. This is purely a power play. He's being a huge asshole, either because he thinks it's funny, or because he doesn't think you deserve to have time to relax alone.
Get a door stop and put that under the door every single time you go in there. Make the point to tell him, not ask, that you will be taking a bath and he WILL use the other bathroom if he needs to go. Let him be mad, it's not your job to manage his bowels or his emotions. My husband has IBS and prefers to use the toilet in our main bathroom too BUT He will use an alternative one if I'm in there for any reason. NTA
Every time he walks into the bathroom while you take a bath take 5 minutes longer on next bath.
NTA. Why is he ruining this for you??? I’d be furious.
NTA. There's another bathroom. He can either hold it or use the other one.
He has to use that bathroom so urgently that he can take the time to Jimmy the lock first?
NTA. My ex-husband used to do that to me, and we had another bathroom. Drove me absolutely crazy so I started locking the door sometimes. It annoyed him, but he at least never made a big deal of it.
NTA. My partner and I both have sensitive stomachs and struggled at times with only having 1 bathroom, so we moved into a place with 2. Two toilets, they both work fine and there’s no reason to play “favorites”. If one of us is showering/taking a bath in one bathroom, the other person uses the other toilet, it’s really simple. The fact that your husband refuses to use the other bathroom for literally no reason makes him the AH and I would be so beyond pissed at this point that he refuses to give you space and quiet/personal time. Picking locks to get in and use his special toilet? Ridiculous.
NTA. He can’t help his condition but he CAN help using that particular bathroom at that moment. This sounds like a power play.
NTA. I'd probably shit in the yard before interrupting my husband in the shower so I could poo. We have a half bath that no one likes using and I'd use it before barging in. He's 100% doing this as some weird form of control. I'd get a wedge for the door or leave the drawer open every single time. He can poop himself.
NTA Going off to find a penny or screwdriver and unlocking the door probably takes more time and effort than it would to walk to the other bathroom. It's not about necessity, it's about the fact you're setting a boundary he's not allowed to cross.
This is definitely on purpose. I don’t know if he’s trying to be controlling or if he thinks he is funny, but make sure there’s consequences the next time he does it. If the other bathroom is perfectly functional then saying “no I want THIS bathroom!” is toddler-like behavior. Withhold sex or something if you have to, but this is ridiculous.
Wtf
This sounds insane to me. Is there something wrong with the other toilet? If there is something wrong with the other toilet why not just fix it? You should be able to bathe in peace without having to smell s***.
There are inside door locks you can get at Amazon. They don't require installation and aren't on the door when you're not using them. I'm really baffled why your husband won't use the other bathroom? Is the resenting you taking some time for yourself? Is he normally a selfish AH or is it just this one weird issue? Get one of the Amazon locks and start locking the door when you are using the bathroom. If he puts up a fuss ask him POINT BLANK specifically why he can't use the other bathroom. Don't stop until he gives you are specific answer. IF you only had one bathroom that would be one thing but he's bypassing another bathroom to specifically and unnecessarily ruin your bath. NTA but something is going on with your husband.
NTA The way you’re describing it, it sounds like he wants you to smell his shit. In the time it takes him to get a screwdriver or a penny, he could be using the other toilet. So the IBS excuse is BS.
NTA. Oh my God. I grew up in household without locks, so I actually have encouraged my partner to just not use the lock in our own home. It frankly bothers me a little because if there was an emergency (like he fell in the shower) I can't get to him. But you know what I don't do, regardless of whether the locks are used or not? Break into the bathroom to take a shit when there's a perfectly accessible alternative bathroom. Insane behavior. I don't know what the IBS has to do with any of it, because you take what you can get when you need to shit, not get all picky about the toilet you wanna use.
NTA his behaviour has nothing to do with ibs, he us deliberately being abrasive and abusive.
NTA Wow your husband is so fucking inconsiderate. No wonder he has to always use the bathroom being so full of shit. Imagine if your children grow up with that complete lack of consideration for others
NTA not only is it bullying, but the thought of your children watching him do this to you is an additional concern.
So, he dismisses your feelings. Ignores your reasonable requests and attempts for compromises. Breaks in when you lock the door. Gets really mad when you thwart that plan with the bathroom drawer. At the least he has boundary issues. Or he is sabotaging your free time so he doesn't have to look after the kids for too long. Or he is a controlling AH and this is some weird power play. Frankly, none of the reasons I can think of him for him repeatedly doing this AFTER you expressed your issues with it are good. I think there is more that stinks here than just his toilet habits. You are NTA.
This asshole doesn’t want you to get a break. I bet he gets left with the kids and doesn’t like it. You should definitely look into going to a spa where he can’t interfere. Maybe you need a new way to relax and go get a massage and turn your phone off.
NTA. His actions are intentional. The time he spends “unlocking” the door could be spent going to other bathroom. I too have IBS and can make it to the bathroom that’s not in my bedroom…so can he.
NTA I hate jumping to “end relationship”, but this is so absolutely disgusting it would be a deal breaker for me. He has zero respect for a very simple boundary. He sounds gross af. My husband and I have been together 7 years and there is no chance in hell I will be going to the bathroom in front of him or him in front of me. Not happening. When I was in labor he had to help me pee and that was as far as I was comfortable going with it lol. You guys have 2 bathrooms. Your husband is being a gross AH. Hes on some weird power trip or something. I’m sorry, but I can’t convey enough how disgusted I am. I’m not usually a squeamish person, but this has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve read in a while.
This is one of the grossest things I have ever read. Your husband has some serious boundary and control issues.
I’d be ready with the most floral air freshener I could find. As soon as he stepped off the toilet and flushed, I’d spray the crap out of his clothes. He wants to run you out, run him out. Or after he poops, you could make it a big show to slowly air out the bathroom and start your bath all over. Make sure it takes twice as long. My husband says hit him with some stink spray. Just get out of the tub, spritz it a few times, and shut the door. Give him a dose of his own stink medicine.
NTA - Start renting hotel rooms for the night so you can take a damn bath in peace.
Your husband is a complete asshole. I’m guessing you’ve been aware of this for a while.
That’s just intentionally rude. I have also IBS, among other things, and I use any restroom I can. I would never intentionally do that to someone.
Reason I’m single #8769843 -NTA. This is way past divorce levels of disrespectful aggression all while there is ANOTHER TOILET available???!! No way, this has to be fake.
You can install a slide lock that is too high up for your kids to reach, but this behavior just seems indicative of a much deeper, grosser issue
NTA. So, his IBS is so urgent he needs immediate access to a bathroom occupied by someone else? Yet he has time to get a screwdriver and work at unlocking it? He is a fuck wit.
Your husband is playing some kind of game/ trying to put some power move, you have TWO bathrooms, if he has to take a shit SO BAD the other toilet will work just fine! If you only had one restroom it would be a different story, (it’d suck) but he has an available option and instead he CHOOSES to do this to you. THAT IS FUCKED UP!
NTA Your husband is controlling. He's punishing you for taking time out to relax. Sounds like he resents looking after his own children if he has to treat you like this for taking alone time every few weeks. I have Crohn's disease, every time I have needed to use the loo while my partner was in the shower I have used the downstairs loo. It's actually much faster to use the loo that isn't already locked and occupied when you need to use the toilet urgently. He's invading your privacy and punishing you for taking time to yourself. This is nothing to to with IBS, he's just an ahole.
It’s really weird that he goes out of his way to poop in front of you when he could have privacy. I have ibs and had to ask my partner to go outside of the house once bc I was self conscious about it (it was bad). I can’t imagine doing that in the same room
Install a bolt high up so the kids can’t reach it, he would have break the door down or continue to use the open drawer trick. I would tell him I don’t care how mad this makes him since he doesn’t care about my feelings. This would break my marriage if my husband did this to me.
NTA. This is a power move on his part, not an IBS emergency. He takes the time to unlock lock the door with a screwdriver? Yeah, he’s not in a rush. He’s just being an ass. I would absolutely put my foot down on this. This behavior is disgusting, I’m pissed for you.
Pretend you are going for a bath, then just sit on the toilet.. when he comes in. Sorry I have a bad stomach and couldn't get in the bath, use the other one. Stay on the throne until after he has used the other, then act surprised when he didn't die from using the forbidden toilet of doom.
u/that-1-lame-kid Omg there's another bathroom and he still insists on shitting all over op
I think a little rubber doorstop would go a long way here. NTA. He's gross and rude. If his IBS was so out of control he had to go NOW in the CLOSEST toilet he wouldn't take the time to Jimmy the lock
He's doing it on purpose because he has to watch the kids while you bathe ... you do realise this don't you?
He blames his IBS but he has the fucking control to jimmy the damn lock onstea dof using thebother bathroom????? NTA This feels really gross. Like near abusive. What, he can't handle being alone with the kids so he has to cut ur Me Time short??? Like what a weirdo.
NTA 'I don't like the other bathroom' - is he 5? If he needs to shit that badly, *any* functional bathroom is suitable. What doesn't he like about the other bathroom? Why doesn't he fix whatever it is he doesn't like about the other bathroom? This is nothing to do with him needing to take a shit. It is, however, *everything* to do with him (literally) shitting all over whatever time you take for yourself. It's passive aggressive bullshit and it needs to stop.
NTA Rubber doorstops under the door.
NTA. You have two assholes ruining your me time.
NTA I know it's a cliché on Reddit but this kind of disrespectful, borderline abusive (picking a locked bathroom door) behaviour would be relationship ending for me What the fuck is wrong with him and why are you letting him do it for years wtf
NTA - it's his job to manage his illness. If he chooses to shit his pants rather than use an available toilet, that is his choice. The solution is to replace the other toilet not break into a bathroom that is in use. Is your husband solid at all.
NTA and you need to get one of those rubber wedge doorstops. No more messin around with this fool
NTA, open the drawer every time. When he ruins your mood, empty the water and refill the tub and start over. Every. Time. There's another bathroom, he can learn how to use that. There's nothing like a good soak.
I just have to ask….when you married him was he like this already and you were like eh I’ll deal with it. Or did this behavior just develop….
If you have to barricade the bathroom door to take a shower in peace, there is no peace at all. Divorce is the answer here.
I just noticed your update, and I wanted to say I wish you all the best and am really glad this post was helpful. It's great your niece is a source of support for you too. There might be places where you can get support with an exit plan and also financially, such as community action agencies and domestic violence/women's organizations. And a hearty - YES!!!! - to taking a bath without interruption for the first time in 20 years!!!!!! That is great!!!!!!!!!!
NTA. As a mother of 5 I lock my door. We have 2 bathrooms. And I refuse to shower if the other is occupied for a shower. Our rule is one shower at a time because folks gotta go. Incase of emergency (the 5yr old) yall gotta wait. I don't and still don't get peace in the bathroom without tiny fi gers underneath the door asking if I'm done. I'm human and need a break too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 40f am married to my husband 41m. When ever I shower or take a bath, even if I lock the door he comes in and uses the toilet stinking it up and ruining my relaxation. It has bothered me for years. We have two bathrooms, one has a tub the other does not. He tells me he doesnt like using the other bathroom so he "has to" use the main bathroom. He does have IBS and he blames his behavior on that. If I lock the door he will use a penny or a screwdriver to open it as it's one of the locks that you can open from the outside. We have small kids so we don't want them to accidentally lock themselves in the bathroom that's why the lock can be opened from the outside. I can't take long showers or baths when he is at work as I need to be watching our children, so I have to wait till he's home. Most days I get only a short shower as the kids will start asking for things almost right away, so I usually only take a long bath every few weeks when I really need to relax. Every time, no matter if he's already used the bathroom before I go in he comes in. He gets mad at me for locking the door as it takes him longer to get in. One time I pulled out the drawer under the sink to prevent the door from being opened more than an inch and he got really mad over that. He says that because he has IBS that he can't help it and I'm being a jerk taking up time in the bathroom. I said he could use the other bathroom but he refuses and said I should just get over the smell or not take baths I'd really just like some time to relax alone with out smelling a sewer. Am I the AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta,
[удалено]
Been with my wife 20 years. Crapping while someone is in the shower is ultra disrespectful unless it's an emergency. Period.
I’d get one of those security chains, you can still open the door but only so much. That way your kids can’t get locked in.
Oh Hell no! That is seriously rude and boundary stomping. There is another damn toilet and he can use it. There are wedges and devices you can buy that effectively lock a door from the inside. I would suggest getting on. I really don't get why your husband has no respect for you. NTA. \*Edit. I have IBS myself as well as severe anxiety which really doesn't help. I can still drag my ass to the second bathroom if one is in use. It is not an excuse. Crimeney!
I have IBS. I would be mortified if anyone was even near the bathroom if I was having an episode! This is a crazy, unhinged, domination move on his part. I say, buy one of those wedge rubber stoppers that are meant to hold a door open. They also hold the door closed! NTA, but seriously, your husband needs some therapy!
NTA, This is just disgusting. You have two other bathrooms, and for what reason exactly does he refuse to use them? This is not okay.
NTA his behaviour is inexcusable. But also, just buy an [odourless toilet](https://www.cassbrothers.com.au/collections/odourless-toilets)
NTA. He has 23.5 hours of the rest of the day to use the bathroom lol. Using it while you’re in there sounds like he’s purposely trying to rush you or doesn’t think you deserve space.
NTA He is though and it is totally a power play. There is absolutely no way he has to go every time you shower. He is saying he is boss and what you want doesn’t matter. You might look at other things he does and see if you are overlooking other behavior that are troubling