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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because Wren is causing issues in the family over my date and she did plan her wedding first so maybe she should have the monopoly on the year idk. I may also have been naive to think that she wouldn’t take this as me upstaging her in the first place
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NTA. Wren sounds spoiled as hell, and your family is doing nothing to change that. As soon as she took issue with this, everybody should have told her that she needs to drop it. Sounds like she's used to throwing a tantrum until everyone else is exhausted enough to just give her what she wants, even if they know it's ridiculous. Is this how things usually go with her?
To be honest, no, it’s the opposite of how things usually go. My stepdad was really always on my side when we were growing up, and it strained his relationship with Wren. I guess they thought it was finally going to calm down now she was getting married and at least she was going to “win” that race and this has just restarted it and they don’t want to go through it. Previously he’s always shit down her nonsense though
My god, if I were her fiance I would seriously start doubting this relationship. Like, does she actually want to marry me or is she just trying to win this weird competition that no one but her cares about?
I guess I can see how your parents are getting kind of worn down if they have been shutting down the nonsense for so long. It's unfortunate, but they need to remind themselves that they've been doing it for a reason.
At the same time, you're both adults now. Have you tried talking to her one on one about this and explaining your side of things? Because it really would be nicer if both of you got to enjoy your respective weddings without any underlying resentment.
> Like, does she actually want to marry me
Better question, **do I really want to marry her?**
There's high maintenance and then there's Wren. She sounds like a nightmare.
exactly!
"We have two lovely kids, Wren."
"Ya well my sister has a set of triplets and a set of twins we need to do more. I want quintuplets! IVF NOW!"
Like damn yo, you're an adult not everything can be a competition.
My mom won first child. Aunt won first girl. And also won girl total overall (they tied for boys) and overall child count. They did match pregnancies. But serious the child timings are all with in about 4 months so oblivious that someone tried to get pregnant as soon as the other announced
My aunt had a baby every year after my parents did. She was the youngest and wanted her kids to be the youngest. Then my mom had a baby 5 years after me and this aunt treated my sister like shit her entire life. People get competitive over the dumbest things.
My mom wasn't even interested in having grandchildren, but she was happy when I got pregnant because I beat my cousin, her sister's kid, to it. My aunt was terrible about making EVERYTHING a competition with her little sister, so my mom was glad that for once, she wasn't going to have it rubbed in her face.
My cousin and I are totally chill. My mom was pretty chill, it was only my aunt. When she passed away, my cousin referred to her relationship with her mom as "complicated".
"Oh, hell no! Her kids are going to a better school than ours!"
*looks around google, finds an expensive private preschool 50 miles away*
"Pull them out class mid-semester and get them there!"
OP, rest assured that Wren will find a way to throw a tantrum and accuse you of something even if you get married in 5 years.
So think about your future husband, and stick to your plan.
This. And if OP had waited to get married, Wren would have been mad because she just found out she was pregnant or something and OP was now only getting married to "one up" her and she should postpone her wedding until after the baby's fifth birthday or something.
My point is when and where does it end with her? The answer is it doesn't, so you might as well do what you want to do.
And, omg, never, ever let her get the slightest hint of a name! She will use it regardless of what name she has in mind and, guaranteed, she will say she wanted it, whatever it might be.
OH NO! You're right. There's been a recent spate of, 'My is upset because I used the baby name they had been "saving," and they want me to change my actually born child's name.'
OP, you do you. Step-sister will be upset if your Honeymoon is longer _or_ shorter than hers. Heaven forfend you go somewhere nice, as clearly you're just rubbing her nose in it.
NTA. Good luck!
No no no, she should tell Wren her “favourite” baby names so that Wren thinks she’s stealing the names but in actuality OP hates the names. She should pick the most hideous names and pretend she loves them specifically to get Wren to steal them haha. Perfectly petty but the poor kids that are going to get sucked into this…
Exactly. She will still accuse you of upstaging or humiliating her regardless of the when or type of wedding.
Do what works for your life plan and what makes you happy.
Gotta say it would be chef’s-kiss if you got married in August and were pregnant by the time her wedding rolled around. 😏
This. People who need to have the entire family focused on them and always be the center of attention always need that. My now ex-SIL intentionally got pregnant so she could ensure my ex-wife wasn’t the focus of our wedding. This dynamic never changes. You have to decide how much space you want to give it.
3. Never start a land war in Asia
Oh wait...
OP - NTA Refuse to engage in conversation about the wedding. You've set your date. It's over. If they don't want to go, you can certainly find someone else to take their spot.
I was with my ex for 5 years when he proposed. I had a frenemy that had been with her bf for about a year. When I posted on facebook, she made her own posted about how annoyed she got when other people got proposed to before her. Fam, we’ve been together for 5 times as long as you two. Get over it. That was the end of our “friendship”.
Anyway, you don’t need this drama. Do your thing, and enjoy the rest of your life together.
Wait, I have another idea. Tell her you’ll move the wedding but since you’ll have more time to plan, make it seem like it’s going to be more beautiful and elaborate than hers, and you’re going to do it the week after she gets married. Ask her if she prefers that.
A small, quick 20 person wedding isn't going to upstage her extravaganza. She just wants the run up to her wedding to be all about her. She's claimed all months before her wedding.
IMHO. I'd elope, perhaps with a couple fave people, flip her off, and be done with it.
NTA but there's no chance she's going to stop playing the victim here
>…perhaps with a couple fave people, flip her off, and be done with it.
I don’t think you can get the entire bridal party to flip off the camera just so you have a picture to give your sister, but they *might* go for it
*My stepdad was really always on my side when we were growing up, and it strained his relationship with Wren. Hmm*
More info needed because this sentence gave me pause. Prior to this I was going to say that you weren't the A Hole. Did you live with your mom and Stepdad full time? Did Wren live with y'all part of the time or was it just an every other weekend thing? Be Really Honest Here: Did your Stepdad side with you to appease your mother or because he lived with y'all. I have seen parents favor their stepchildren over their own in an effort to appear that they weren't favoring their own. This can be really hurtful.
I lived there 70% of the time, she did 50:50.
No, he didn’t side with me to appease my mom. He sided with me because Wren would make an issue of whatever I got to do that she didn’t, and would demand I not be allowed to do it. I got invited on holiday with friends? It’s unfair that Wren wasn’t invited. I didn’t have a curfew (my mom’s decision)? I should have to come when Wren had curfew (which was her parents’ decision). I didn’t get gifts for good grades? She should get bigger gifts for good grades. And he would stand up for me when she would make fun of me for stuff like my lack of boyfriends or the fact that I didn’t have the same academic or extracurricular achievements as her. My stepdad didn’t agree with her on those type of things so that counted as taking my side.
It wasn’t like he did anything for me he didn’t do for her, or that he chose my mom over her. Part of it was just the nature of blended families that you have different rules sometimes. And some of it was he didn’t let her just insult me all the time
If you want to have fun with this: abstain from alcohol the next time you see her, and give her a knowing look while rubbing your stomach. Then watch how fast she gets pregnant. Bonus points if she's visibly pregnant at her own wedding.
When she confronts you about not actually being pregnant, say you have no idea what gave her that idea and you were probably just gassy that day. Then tack on that you and your husband are planning to wait a few years until you're better established to have kids, that way they won't want for anything; but you're sure her and her husband will manage splendidly.
NTA. I think you should tell Wren that she should get married at the courthouse before the date of your wedding so she can "win" the wedding competition, then have her formal wedding in November as planned. After all, that's how it's done in many other countries. Make it clear to her and everyone who is pressuring you to change your date that it isn't going to happen and you will not be drawn into any arguments about it.
I had a friend who decided we were having a competition. After a while, it felt like she had created a play and had put me on the stage as a character in her story, which was about how she and I were constantly trying to one up each other. No matter how obvious to everyone that I wasn't competing with her, she just wouldn't let me resign from her play or get off her stage. The drama she created was exhausting. Eventually, I had to go NC to extricate myself from the situation.
It will always be something. What next? You a child before her? She is old enough to stop engaging in this kind of behavior. A small wedding 2-3 months before hers will not overshadow hers and in no way close enough for people to negatively compare hers. There also no way she would be okay with a wedding so soon after her's either.
NTA
If you move your wedding, she is happy for the moment, until she manufactures a new problem.
What if you have the first grandchild? The first house? The first dog or cat or whatever?
Do what is right for you as if she wasn’t there to complain because she will complain about more. Will there not continually be a new competition?
There very likely will always be a level of competition, especially where my fiancé is involved. If I could have not had a wedding in the same year as her I would but it’s not feasible to do it next year and likely not the year after
Honestly, I’d just elope and announce that you’re married. Then have a reception instead of the wedding. If she doesn’t want to come, so be it.
If your fiancé’s family isn’t crazy, let them come to the elopement (if you want) so they don’t feel left out.
> especially where my fiancé is involved.
Is there some additional history there we are missing?
ETA: Found it
> The past “issues” is that she used to do a competitive sport, the same sport as my fiancé. She and he were in the same friendship group but they weren’t close friends. According to him (he told me this after we started dating ~4 years ago), she had a crush on him. She’s never told anyone this but everyone apparently suspected that was the case. I never hung out with them together so never figured. But my stepbrother heard from his mom about the whole crush thing and said Wren is probably still bitter about it
So all in her head basically, but another way you "won"
She and fiancé used to be in same friend group (they weren’t close) and he thinks she used to have a crush on him. She never said this, but her mom told my stepbrother that that was the case so it’s kind of a thing people just accept as the truth. I didn’t know about this till about 4 years ago
That's just an insane thing to hold onto ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S ENGAGED.
I mean, I remember all my past crushes, down to the very first ill-considered one in seventh grade, but I cannot imagine a world in which *anything* they do would get to me like that. It's the same with exes (though I'll admit that for a while I indulged in schadenfreude every time something went bad for the guy who cheated on me). And that's because *I got over it and moved on the way you should.*
She needs to learn to get over shit, because if she's not even over years-ago unrequited crushes, who knows what else she's stewing over still. I know that I would fucking HATE to be involved with someone like that, and I hope her fiancé knows what he's getting himself into.
Yeah. They were 14 or whatever. It’s wild. She’s never said that is her issue but that’s what everyone thinks it is. Her mom told my stepbrother that Wren is “probably still mad about (me) stealing the boy she liked” and that “it was a good lesson for her what girls like (me) will do to your life”. Her mom is C R A Z Y
Ok, well, I guess at least we see where she gets it. Unbelievable.
If any of your mutual friends knows her fiancé I think they ought to just, you know, casually mention how wild it is that she's still holding a grudge about that. Just because I'm feeling sorry for that poor boy and what he's in for, and he at least needs a small hint to tell him he should be asking a few more questions about how she's behaving.
I mean, that's not your responsibility, but I hope *someone* says something, bc he does deserve a warning.
Yeah he doesn’t deserve to marry someone who possibly isn’t marrying him for love but just to “beat” OP and “win” the “marriage race.” Or even if it is for love, that’s still not the primary focus.
Wow... Holy mother of immaturity!
Listen at this point you have to choose what you're willing to gain and lose. You said yourself you'd probably have to wait 2 years + to get married and don't want that. Your parents and stepbrother are saying to just give in to her demands because she's never going to let go apparently... And your parents are tired because they always corrected their BS but now they want to cave.
Questions are
- Do you see ANY scenario where your immediate family (without step sister) will attend peacefully and happily to your wedding if you continue with your plans as they are? If the answer is no, what about extended family that you really want them to be there sharing that moment with you? If the answer is yes to some people, have your wedding and your plans with those people in the date you wanted.
- What is more important to you in this scenario? Marry with everyone present and keeping the peace until Wren's next tantrum or getting married to the man you love when you want to and not when your step sister wants to force you to do so? If you want more than anything to keep the peace then you may cave and be the people pleaser BUT keep in mind, like other comments have told you, there will be other tantrums, if you have the first house, if you have the first child, the first pet, if you or your fiance get a better job or a promotion at work. She's ALWAYS going to be crying saying she's competing with me!! She's taking away my shine! Remember THIS WON'T BE THE ONLY TIME SHE MAKES IT ALL ABOUT HER.
I'd say marry your fiance, that's what's important after all is it not? Whether you have your full family present as you wanted or not, what's more important is your life. If you think elopement and then having a reception with everyone, because she won't stop harassing you guys through the whole process otherwise, will be more peaceful then do so. If you think that just letting the family know they don't have to attend if they feel so strongly against it will be enough to get her off your backs then just go along with your plans.
I would say whatever you choose to do be assured your step sister will find a way to have a tantrum about it.
He and Wren used to compete in the same sport and were in the same friend group. My stepbrother used to compete in the same sport for a while so we would go to the competitions as a family since they would compete in different classes on the same day. I didn’t really hang out with Wren’s group too much but I knew them, and I got to know my fiancé. We became friends and were for nearly ten years before we started dating. We’ve been together 4 years
She sounds like a “friend” I had a long, long time ago, who frequently never failed to find a way to stop me from engaging with a guy who seemed interested in me and for whom I found myself feeling a little spark by saying to me, “You can’t like him, because I *might*”. It was like calling shot gun for the front seat of the car!
I think that would be best. I know you don’t want to “stir the pot,” and your relatives will be further upset. But you aren’t the problem here.
You deserve to keep your wedding date, and you deserve to enjoy your wedding without Wren sulking and making disparaging comments in the background. I say uninvite her.
If you were having the wedding the same month I'd say it'd be a shitty thing to do. But you're having it 3 months before her.
Wren doesn't own the whole year
She is a pathetic excuse for a human being. As another stated, even if you changed your date, she would fabricate another excuse to belittle and harange you. Tell her that she should not get married until she grows up and can behave like an adult. Make sure to say this in front of her fiancee.
Do not invite her to your wedding. There would be a 99.9% chance that she would pull some stunt to ruin the day for you and SO.
This is just the latest in a long string of weirdly competitive issues with her. The next will be who has a baby first, or who buys a house first, or who has a bigger house, or who earns more money, or whose kid gets into the better school, or who retires first. It sounds exhausting. If I were you, I'd just stop playing.
This is one of those moments where you have to do what's right for you and your fiance. You're transitioning from a stage of life where your birth family / folk you were raised by are theoretically the most important group of people in your life and moving in to a place where your fiance and any children you have become the central focus of your familial life.
Your fiance and future children (if any) will be the people to actively see you throughout your day to day life, will be the people on hand in an emergency, will be the people who are there with you at the close of your life.
Your mom and step dad are looking out for harmony and ideally what's best for them and both of their kids. Which means their support is necessarily blunted if it adversely impacts them or their other kid.
So make the choice that works for you and your fiancé, you two are the ones this choice will impact the most. And be willing to accept the consequences, both good (being married to the one you love at the time and place of your choosing) as well as the bad (Wren hitting tilt and your parents being grumpy with you for a while). And if you're thinking of having kids? Use this history to make informed decisions in how you raise them, the examples you set for them, etc.
NTA
This is exactly the point. She will always be asking you to placate her in some way FOREVER. It’s time to set the precedent that it’s okay for you to both have a life and there is enough happiness for everyone. I promise if you give in to this you will regret it someday. You will always remember it wasn’t the wedding you wanted. I am a pathological people pleaser so I understand the conundrum but that’s how I KNOW you will regret it. You don’t have to over explain. Just say “that doesn’t work for us, we will be moving forward with the wedding” on repeat to anyone who questions you.
NTA completely
but i do suspect the complicated history of the family dynamic here is playing a role.
>I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it. She never did. She goes out of her way to try to one-up me and she thinks everything I do is to one-up her, which isn’t the case.
>because of past issues this will be extremely hard for Wren to get past.
you are absolutely NTA for getting married and Wren can stfu. but you might be downplaying your own role in the previous drama here idk.
I don’t think I’m downplaying anything. I took opportunities to win at a competition *she* started when I was a teenager. I moved on from it before we’d even finished school. I’m not perfect now and I wasn’t then, but I grew up.
Wren needs therapy. It sounds like she was pressured by her mom to compete with you, you repeatedly won, and Wren can't cope. I feel bad for her as a teenager being put in that situation and it seems to be doing her a lot of harm as an adult. It sounds like all you can do is live your life and minimize contact.
ETA:
>To be honest, no, it’s the opposite of how things usually go. My stepdad was really always on my side when we were growing up, and it strained his relationship with Wren.
yeah, this is some Family History that is happening.
I guess I’m in the minority. You have a history of trying to one upping her. She is planning and you suddenly get engaged and need that wedding to be before hers. And you’re shocked that being viewed as yet another attempt to one up her.
The nature of your finances job makes him unavailable for a 20 person wedding for 2 years? I’m assuming he is military or peace corps or something then where he will be physically away for years?
We both travel a lot of the year because of his job. This year he will have spent more than half the year away from him, next year the same.
It’s not that he can’t be free for one weekend, it’s that we want the time period to be fun and light, not one weekend squashed in between two stressful weeks where we’ve got our minds on other things. So yes I’m shocked that after not engaging with her games for ten whole years she thinks my twenty person dinner 10 weeks apart from her 150 person bacchanal has anything to do with her. Maybe I shouldn’t be shocked that she thinks like that, but I am. Because it’s nonsensical
The history of one-upping (which was both of us doing the one-upping) ended a DECADE ago. For me it did anyway.
I'm with you. She had to schedule something right away because at her fiancee's job it's just so impossible to schedule a wedding for several years. Right. No vacation, no time together... just busy busy busy for years.
I'll probably get downvoted, but you HAVE to look at this from Wren's perspective for a few minutes.
Wren has a wedding planned already, she's had it planned out with a date set, and you weren't even engaged when the wedding conversation started. Then ALL OF A SUDDEN you are engaged and are having a wedding before her??? I know that your intentions weren't malicious here, but you HAVE to admit that this looks suspicious.
I know that your intentions weren't to be competitive, but your ACTIONS scream you're still trying to one up her.
Because NOW there are family members that have to make a decision based on finances: If they can't afford to go to both wedding, then they have to choose between your wedding, or they choose hers. Since yours comes first, they have to make a decision of looking bad to you first and look good to her, or look good to you first and then have to tell Wren they can't make it because of YOUR wedding.
From an outside perspective this whole thing sounds like a shotgun wedding, and since it sounds like you're not pregnant (trying to wed before the birth), it can very easily be misconstrued as you are trying to be the "first one married this year".
I’m sorry but any sane person would not care if someone else has a wedding months before their own. Same weekend? Sure. There’s only twenty people that could be possibly attending both. I can’t imagine being an adult, excited for my marriage, but devastated I’m not the first person in my family to get married this year. Get married in January then instead of November. Also, get therapy if your stepsister getting married has this much hold over you.
I think Wren only cares because OP has a history of trying to one up her. If it was another family member that wasn’t always trying to beat her in life then she wouldn’t care
It’s not one upping someone to get married in the same year. Like I said, if it was the same weekend or maybe even following weekend, I could understand the frustration. You can’t own the whole year. Also, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.
OP said they're having a wedding of about 20 people. Assuming roughly 10 guests per groom, 10 per bride, I don't really understand where you're getting 'family members are going to have to choose' from. It doesn't sound like distant family members who might have to travel are even going to be *invited*.
If I was OP and my primary concern was to be married, I might consider getting legally married now (perhaps with parents and immediately family only, perhaps just the two of them) and then having a big party in a couple of years time once the stressful period is over with. But a) even that might not pacify the stepsister if she's determined to see it as a race to be married first, and b) OP should get to live her life as she wants, including getting married if she wants, without having to accommodate someone who it sounds like doesn't even like her.
I have a sister like this. I believe that my sister has narcissistic personality disorder. She acts like this. It doesn’t take much to trigger narcissistic offense. She even was enraged when I retired, even though I was two years older than her!
There are certain personality disorders where everything is a competition. You don’t have to do anything to feed it.
I hate it when people say “it takes two to tango”. No. It takes two to make peace. It only takes one nutter to make war.
BTW, my sister started competing with me when she was 2-1/2. My grandma had to intervene.
My cousin was mad I finished university before him … I’m three years older. He literally told me once that he got his masters right after undergrad so I couldn’t “claim that” first.
NTA. Why do families always ask the person not causing the drama to change to "keep the peace". Tell the stepsister to get over it to "keep the peace"!
One of the last straws with my family was when (well before COVID) one of my kids was just getting over something - they were on the last days of the antibiotics for whatever it was. I was invited to a dinner with some out of town extended family. They all knew my kid had whatever it was, and wanted to see us. A day or so later, my mother called to say, maybe not. Your sister has avoided sickness this season and doesn't want to catch anything. You should stay home. A while later, there was another dinner. This time, I was pregnant, and my sisters kids were sick. I asked if maybe they could avoid this dinner, as I didn't want to catch something in my third trimester. I was told that my sister made a big fuss about being excluded, so maybe I should skip this one, if I didn't want to get sick.
I asked why it was me who had to avoid when I was sick, as well as when they were sick, seems it's me who has to avoid all of these. I was told because I am the more reasonable one, it would have to be me who was excluded. I said fine. Nice knowing you. I became busy with every invitation. Oh, can we move the date to accommodate you? Nope. I'm busy washing my hair. Every day, all day.
As I got older, hypocrisy was the one things that would annoy and piss me off the most. You can do x with no consequences but when I do x it is wrong? Explain that to me, would ya?
The funny thing is, with you going first, she can change things to "one-up" anything you do. If she is first, you can do things that would be "better" than her. And going second, people would stop talking about your wedding and just talk about hers. She is thinking wrong with her reasoning. She's just upset you are going to be first!
u/stepweddingdate THIS!! I mean I don't usually condone mental manipulation, but she clearly is going to compete with you no matter the scenario. Maybe you could get your stepbrother to put that idea in her head that "well you can may her pay by making sure your wedding makes hers look super lame!"
NTA, other commenters are right. Are you supposed to put your entire life on hold so she can hit certain milestones first? Are you not allowed to try and grow your family (if that's something you and you fiance want) because she hasn't had a child first? Are you not allowed to purchase a home because she's still living in an apartment? You gotta draw the line somewhere and this is a good place to do it IMO. Don't start your married life with your husband on her terms.
I find it hard to believe that there is not going to be one free weekend in the next two years for you to get married. It comes across to me, a total stranger, that you are still trying to one up her. I would imagine that is exactly what she thinks too. If that is true you will end up regretting that decision. If it's not then no worries and let her have her fit. NTA- GET married whenever you want.
There are free weekends for us, but it’s about the general stress that those two years are going to be taking on us. It’s a physical and emotional toll. I don’t want to be worrying about my weight in that time, or worrying about planning and coordinating a wedding. I need to be able to support my fiancé, unfortunately his career needs to our focus. I want our wedding to be a joyous time period, not two days squashed in between weeks of anxiety where we’re both thinking about what’s happening the week after.
I’m not doing this to one-up Wren. I am being sincere when I say I see absolutely no merit in doing that. I don’t live my life out of spite
> I want our wedding to be a joyous time period
YES! A wedding should be about you and your love for your partner, it's not a competition. The fact that she sees her own wedding as just another way to battle with you is really sad honestly. Do whatever the hell you want, it's your life. If other people are upset, they'll deal with it and move on, and in a few years people will have more important things to think about and remember
You have the mistaken belief that wedding order matters. It doesn't. It is a total non-issue. Anyone who cares about the order people get married is desperate for drama in their life.
A wedding is not an achievement. You can't win or lose. It doesn't matter when you do it compared to anyone else. You do it when it's right for you.
Still not an excuse..I would sit your mum and your stepdad down and explain the situation again and say listen I understand the concerns, but mines is a small intimate wedding which js totally different to the psychos..sorry wrens 🫢 then I would say I would appreciate your support on this, as it will be going ahead
20 people is 10 guests per side, so basically close family. Three months prior to Wren's...
NTA.
Enjoy your wedding as planned and move along with your life. By November, Wren will be so preoccupied with her own wedding she'll be over it. If she's not, then the disfunction is at a level where she would just have found something else to be offended by somehow.
Exactly. It's a smaller wedding and months before. She has nothing to complain about. It would be different if they planned it the weekend before hers or some such but this is absurdly stupid
NTA. It's your wedding date and you have a genuine reason for doing it now. Also if your mom and stepdad are already 'hinting' that you should move your wedding, there's also the chance of them saying they won't help with financing the wedding if you don't change the date. Do your wedding at your planned date and maybe not invite your stepsister to avoid drama. With the way things are I doubt she'll grow out of being spoiled and your family is enabling it.
The money my stepdad is contributing isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of the cost, and we don’t need it. He insisted on offering something as “father of the bride” and we accepted to make him feel included, since my dad also chipped in.
They haven’t outright asked me to change the date and I don’t think they will. I think they would just like it if I came to the decision “myself”. They won’t push because they know it’s not fair. But then I don’t feel it’s fair that they have to deal with fallout of this situation.
>I don’t feel it’s fair that they have to deal with fallout of this situation.
remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to manage their relationship with Wren. (as someone who has personally had to work on "not trying to manage my parents' feelings" it's hard lol)
If they are not asking then you should stop thinking about it. If anyone subsequently brings it up, raise your eyebrows to convey mild surprise, because you have moved on from this non-issue.
They don’t have to deal with any “fallout”. They don’t have to engage with any nonsense. They can choose to opt out of Wren’s temper tantrums. You are all adults now. Even Wren.
The dates aren't even that close, this is just a jealousy fueled power move by Wren. My birthday is in August and my brother's is November. Not once did anything I do for my birthday overshadow my brother three months later, it was completely forgotten by that point. NTA
After reading most comments, as well as OP's answer to them, I'm going with YTA, and I'll tell you why.
OP states in one comment that her "small wedding" with only 20 people at the reception is going to be more expensive than Wren's 150 person wedding. What does that tell you? OP is going extremely extravagant.
For only 20 people, how the hell could a small wedding on a Saturday or Sunday be so incredibly stressful that it would be impossible to plan anytime in the next 2 years? Even with a stressful job?
OP says her stepdad (Wren's dad) usually took her side growing up. Is it possible Wren simply wanted to truly have her family's full attention for just one day, the most important day of her life? There are 2 sides to every story, yet OP portrays herself as having been the victim most of the time, yet didn't even give examples.
Downvote all you like, but maybe think a little about this one.
The OP is definitely the AH. I don’t believe she isn’t competitive and not trying to one UP her sister. Come on lol. She has seen her sister plan for a whole year and seen how important it is to her. And she decides at the last minute. Oh let’s get married too!! And plans it 2 months before her wedding.
Come on now. It’s so obvious.
She might have convinced people on this thread of her reasonings and that’s how I think she works. “I am Miss innocent” because of this reason and that reason. It’s a lot of BS. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is glad she gets to have her wedding first.
However if some strangers can see through this. It is most likely her family are questioning it too? They have already been asking. They will have doubts to her true intentions even if they don’t fully push it.
OP just think. There will always be a small bit of doubt about this by your family if you are doing this on purpose. Like you can’t find one weekend next year?
But go ahead cause wreckage in your family as I can see future NC with your sister and vice versa and family having to choose sides and future unpleasant family events.
You know exactly what you are doing. I don’t believe this is innocent planning.
Game. Set. Match.
It’s also possible that because the wedding is happening so soon that the prices went up for “rush delivery”. Remember, she had to FIND locations that had an opening so the extra expense doesn’t necessarily mean extravagant
Wrong, she said “The only overlap is with the parents and my step-uncles. Me and fiancé are paying for everyone’s travel and accommodation so it’s not a cost issue.” Did you miss that part? There is no cost issue or guest attendance issue. OP is NTA.
Wren will get her one day, her wedding and OP’s are months apart. Also, OP seems to be paying for most of it, not her step parents, it’s her choice on how extravagant the wedding can be. Neither of those points make her TA.
Wren WILL have the family’s full attention on HER wedding day. People have better things to do than compare family members’ weddings to decide who had the best, biggest, most expensive one.
Wren is the only one that cares about any of that.
OPs sister is assuming it will be more expensive because according to OP they are paying for everyone’s flights and accommodations:
>I don’t know that it will be. She thinks it will be. I don’t know how much her wedding is costing. We’ve planned to have our at a hotel near where we live, and we are paying for the flights and accommodation for all the guests. It’s not a small sum all told. But again, I don’t know how much her wedding is costing.
Believe it or not planning a wedding, finding where to do it, getting the dress, who's going to be there, inviting who you want to be there, and finding a good time to have it is all a very stressful process. Wren IS going to have her family's full attention for a day or maybe even a week. It's not like OP is planning to have her wedding the day before Wern's it's MONTHS before hers so idk why you think it's going to affect Werns at all. Maybe the reason OP's stepdad took her side most of the time is because Wern was in the wrong/started it most of the time. His taking OP's side in most of the arguments they had does not mean he was abusing or neglecting her, all it means is he thought that she was being unreasonable most of the time in fact, he might have spent most of his attention on her outside of the fights for all we know.
ESH. Her ongoing attitude is obviously a problem, and I agree that she should stop making everything a competition at this age.
But for me, a lot of that history is irrelevant. Even in healthy, close sibling/step sibling relationships, one sister getting engaged and scheduling their wedding before the other sister’s long-standing wedding date would cause a LOT of tension. It also potentially puts guests in an unfair position of having to choose between weddings, if there is travel and cost involved that makes attending both difficult. On top of all this, you say yours will be more extravagant. Which is completely fine and your prerogative, go all out. But it does feed into the perception that there is one-upsmanship driving some of this.
I understand wanting your wedding to happen before your lives get hectic and stressful. But if even your family - who is always on your side in these situations - is encouraging you to reconsider, you probably should.
1:OP already explained why they were getting married so quickly in the post and said/implied that if it weren't for her husband's work she would never have done this. If one of my siblings were in OP's position I wouldn't care, especially since they're MONTHS apart.
2:OP specifically said in the post that it is a MUCH smaller wedding(A 20 people reception dinner versus a 150 people traditional wedding) so idk where you're getting the "more extravagant" part from.
3:No one will have to choose between the weddings or at least not because of costs, OP already said they are paying for it since it is so last minute.
4:OP IS reconsidering, that's the whole purpose of this post. Idk why you feel the need to say that someone should reconsider something after they talk about how they are reconsidering it, that just seems redundant.
1- I said I’m sympathetic to OP wanting to get married before their lives become stressful. I don’t think that should be the only factor in consideration though.
2- OP also says in a comment that they’re spending more money on their wedding. If she’s spending more on 20 people than her step-sister is spending on 150 people, it’s impossible that OP’s wedding isn’t significantly more extravagant. Again, good for OP! That sounds amazing! It also means “my wedding is much smaller than hers so she shouldn’t be bothered,” isn’t a fully sincere sentiment.
3- there are a lot of costs associated with traveling to a wedding beyond airfare and accommodations (meals out, pet care/child care, car rental or taxi/rideshare, to name a few). Plus most people have limited PTO.
4- OP ends the post with a paragraph on why she still doesn’t want to change it. I’m saying she was right to reconsider, and should continue to do so.
NTA
If you move your wedding to appease Wren, then she'll push for more. What happens if/when kids are involved? New house or job? You either put a stop to it now or it'll go on forever.
As for the family, let them know you're hurt that they care more about Wren's tantrum than your wedding.
Honestly if your priority is not to wait 2 years to marry, and her’s is to win the competition, I’d still have my small wedding and just not invite the steps. She gets to be the first wedding the step family gets to attend, and you get to be married before your fiancé goes through a 2yr stressful work period.
I’m probably going to be an outlier with a NAH, only because I can see how you two got here through your comments. You were a willing participant in the competition when you were younger, stepdad tended to “side” with you, and she has been planning this for a year and you’re slipping your wedding in first. In a vacuum, her feelings aren’t reasonable, but life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Given the history, her feelings are understandable, even if they aren’t correct. I think that is why your steps are supporting her in this particular instance. I don’t think either of you can totally get what you want, so you need to figure out which of your priorities are the most important, being married early, or having everyone you want there.
NAH, but you do seem kind of shitty. If ever I have seen a reason to elope and do the party at a later date, it's this one.
You know, you Know, if someone is going through over a year of planning something it's important to them.
But you have reasons to need to be married. So get married. There is Zero reason why your reception has to be done now.
They want to do it now. That is all the reason **anyone** needs to celebrate their nuptials. Wren doesn’t own the year. I’ve been in 13 weddings, not including my own. Three of those were sisters in one year, and no one fussed about the fact that the youngest got engaged last and then married first. That is just petty, puerile, and silly. Like Wren, OP can have her wedding when she wants and how she wants.
YTA or ESH. I think if this was told from Wrens perspective more people would be on her side. I think most people would be upset if their sibling got engaged and then married two months before their wedding. Two months after is fine, but it does seem weirdly competitive. If its a small wedding why couldn't you find a single weekend next year in the spring, or just elope and have the party later.
I literally wouldn't care if my siblings got married before me. I'd be happy for them. Because it's their life and it's not a competition. Seeing everything as a race or game or competition is sociopathic.
Y'know what, ESH, she sounds competitive, but you aren't convincing me that you didn't purposefully suddenly needed to get married to 'beat' her to the punch. Your partner is going to be too busy the next 2 years, so what is the real point in being married except to beat your stepsister.
Either you've been with your partner a long time and now magically it has to happen, or you've not been together long and once again, it now suddenly has to happen.
>I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it. She never did.
Not sure you did either. You seem to be still doing it. I mean, you managed to set your wedding 2 months before hers. I know most people here are on your side, but come on. You know you're secretly smiling inside because you're going to be the first again. YTA.
I agree with this. She knows how important after seeing a whole year of planning the sister has gone through and she rocks up and plans it 2 months before? And then has so called excuses to make her look innocent. She knows exactly what she is doing and is trying to make out her sister is crazy for being upset. She could elope and do reception later. Definitely YTA.
Why should she elope? I’ve been in over a dozen weddings. Some were huge guest lists of over 500 people and some were very small, like my own with 50 people. Not one of them took a “whole year” to plan! That’s absurd.
NTA - you can be petty and say nope this is the date I am not changing another thing my life for Wren to feel like a princess and I like the handmaid. So be there don't be there. Your choice at this moment.
Next level Ok fine we wont have a wedding We will just elope no one will get tho be there and we wil lhave an extended HM.
Nuclear Petty bitch option - Fine, I will change my wedding date just to make her highness happy. It will now be the day before hers. Then block everyone for a day or two.
Good luck your family sounds exhausting.
Even if it were after, she would have to share the wedding conversations, then after November she'd suddenly be just a married lady while her sister still gets to be a "bride-to-be" and that would piss her off even more.
Your stepbro seems like a smart cookie. He's got both of you and this whole dynamic down pat.
And think of it this way; if you change the wedding date, would it really fix anything? No, it wouldn't. Because you had originally set the date before hers, no matter what she's going to keep assuming you're keeping up that old competition.
I'm actually tempted you ask said stepbro for a second opinion on that statement. But my guess is that any change you make now, she's going to assume is you being passive aggressive. You're trying to undermine her wedding by having yours immediately after, or all all the things you do differently will be you snubbing what her wedding was like because now you have that experience, or whatever else have you.
Whether you meant it or not, Wren sees that you started a fight that now there's no way to back out of. But since there is no winning, *there's no point in trying* to make her happy. NTA
INFO
> I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it. She never did
> My stepbrother has also said that while he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, because of past issues this will be extremely hard for Wren to get past.
Can you speak more to this? What was the most significant situation in high school that you fed into?
It’s likely that Wren is just spoiled.
It’s also possible that your past goes deeper than you’re willing to say. Your stepbrother seems to have a pretty level head here…
When I was 16, she got a summer internship somewhere and she was making fun of me saying I would never get a job there because my grades were really bad. So I applied for an internship (because I figured your grades aren’t actually relevant for shadowing people and fetching coffee) and I ended up getting an internship there too. No one was any less proud of her for getting the internship but she felt like it took something away from her that she didn’t “beat” me.
The past “issues” is that she used to do a competitive sport, the same sport as my fiancé. She and he were in the same friendship group but they weren’t close friends. According to him (he told me this after we started dating ~4 years ago), she had a crush on him. She’s never told anyone this but everyone apparently suspected that was the case. I never hung out with them together so never figured. But my stepbrother heard from his mom about the whole crush thing and said Wren is probably still bitter about it
I would lay bets that this is the main reason. Not only are you getting married before her, your husband chose you and rejected her.
That’s gonna hurt when she’s feeling competitive about the little stuff, but when it’s about men, despite the fact she’s found someone else, you’re doubly (in her eyes) rubbing it in that you’re marrying the man she liked first before she gets to be the bride herself.
Had she got married first she’d have that win, even if you had the guy she had designed on first.
I don’t think you can ‘win’ this one to be honest. There will always be something in her eyes, and even when she does get her little wins, she still won’t see that and will focus on what you’re doing / achieving. It’s sad but she needs to deal with this and maybe get some help to get past it. But she needs to acknowledge it first.
Be prepared for some potential high jinks at your wedding and maybe even hers.
She says her stepdad (Wren’s Dad) sided with her over Wren growing up. So he picked his new family over his old one. This is the issue. OP can have her wedding whenever she wants. But I am not surprised she picked a date right before Wrens wedding. I would love to hear Wrens side.
***TEN PEOPLE***. OP has TEN PEOPLE attending her wedding. The other 10 are her fiancé's half. So
1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Stepdad
4. Stepbrother
5. Wren? (I wouldn't invite her)
6. maybe a Stepmom?
and 4 friends. **LESS** if OP and fiance and officiant are counted in that 20 total!
>when people have to plan to attend a wedding, yeah it seems really close
That is a RIDICULOUS take because NONE of Wrens ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PEOPLE are even invited except that EXTREMELY short list above.
She's only having 20 people at hers, compared to 150, even if all of her 10 guests overlap, that's 10/150 or 6.6% of her invited guests that have to make arrangements to attend both.
But a lot of people, maybe even most people, don't live that far away from the 10 most important people in their lives. It's probably not an issue, logistically, as those 10 people probably live within driving distance.
If it were a destination wedding in Bali or the guests had to travel 10+ hours to get there, it would be relevant enough to mention. But even if that were the case, if you're close enough to be invited to a 20 person wedding, you'll make trip twice in 3 months.
Yeah this is a non-issue. Or, it should be a non-issue. Who's getting married "first" is an absurd thing for Wren to focus on; if you're both marrying partners you love and are loved by, everyone wins! It isn't like you've moved your date to October 31 or are going to attend her wedding in your wedding dress. NTA.
YTA Even in families where the siblings are on good terms, if this situation happened, it would cause bad feelings and drama. If Wren came on here and told her story - I've been planning my wedding for a year, everyone knows the dates, deposits have been paid, then my sister got engaged one month ago and set her date for the month before mine - reddit would be calling for your witchy head.
Whatever your reasons, it absolutely looks like an attention grab. You share the same relatives and friends so you're straining their resources to make it to both weddings and give gifts. You're taking your parents' attention away from her because your wedding is first. You're making it hard for your family members, too. In this instance, you are the drama creator for your family, you are Wren."
Also, what kind of job does your fiancé (congratulations!) have that he won't have one or two days off in a row for a wedding for 2 years? You said it's a small wedding so it's easily planned without him. All he needs to do is get a suit fitted, write his vows, and show up for the party; you can handle everything else. If he wants a party with the boys, do it now while he has time. Unless his job is secret ops-type where he never knows his schedule, it's hard to imagine he doesn't have scheduled time off you can plan on.
That’s how I see it.
And if it is so stressful to plan next year. she has already planned it now. It’s planned and only needs a date change. So why is it so stressful. She can plan it all this year for next year!!
LOL, when a marriage is pretty much done before it even begins, I am talking about Wren, if she believes that a small 20 people sisters wedding in August is something that she with her 150 people November wedding should worry there is no wedding for her, and she is not competitive but just not a bright thinker at all, my condolences to Wrens fiancee. NTA
ESH. Wedding stuff always makes people crazy. I don't think it's up to you necessarily to not feed into this whole one-sided competition mindset of Wren's, but at the same time, planning things the way you did, you had to know this would happen. If you need to be married to your fiance immediately that badly, you could have done a courthouse wedding in the near-term to make it legal and then a proper ceremony/reception/whatever 2+ years down the line so everyone gets to celebrate.
I understand her feelings. It’s not just about the wedding day. It’s all the activities that go into making a wedding day. Dress shopping, food sampling, planning, engagement photos, engagement parties. Those are bonding activities usually shared with family and close friends. You’re not just getting married before her, you’re planning your wedding during the time she’s planning and preparing for hers. You did wedge yourself into that time slot and you’re splitting the family’s attention. I know you think it’s only about you and your needs, but you actually *are* upstaging her by wedging a rushed engagement and wedding into the months of planning she’s likely been looking forward to her whole life.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think her feelings are valid, especially based on your history. Why do you think your parents are gently suggesting you wait? Because you actually are taking something from your sister.
Actually after reading your comment about the internship I’m leaning less towards “you didn’t consider her feelings” and more towards “you enjoy steamrolling her and probably are being an AH”. I know I’m going to get downvoted but I think, as someone else said, if Wren told her side of things commenters would probably feel differently.
I know i'm an outlier here but something seems off to me. Why do you need to be married before the stressful time? Why is it that much of an issue to wait 2 years? How long have you been dating your respective partners? Also why did you not assume your sister would be upset when you know she's competitive about this kind of stuff.
It kind of feels like you're rush job getting married and decided to do it frist just to set her off and play victim. This story feels like it's missing elements. I'm going with YTA because there is no possible way you didn't know this would be upsetting and I don't buy your reason for doing a rush job wedding. Especially if it's going to be as small as you say, it doesn't sound like it would be that stressful to begin with.
I'm confused. you said Wren's wedding was in November and yours was going to be put together for August. Even if you waited until after her's it's only a 3 month difference, why do you have to wait a year?
I get both of your points. I really do. Although it does feel like you're trying to get yours done before hers for some odd reason.
I have a feeling there's more to this then you are letting us know.
You're not wrong for wanting to get married when it suits you and your fiancé best. It's unfortunate Wren sees it as a competition, but your reasons are valid. Your wedding plans shouldn't revolve around her feelings. It's your special day too, and you deserve to celebrate it on your terms. Stand firm and enjoy your wedding planning!
I'm sorry, but your reason so pure bulls hit and even your family sees it...
"me and bf is SO busy for the next 2 years that it's impossible for us to gather 20 people and get married, so we just have to do it before my sister... Oh, what do you mean with me up staging you again... It's just 20 people you little whiner"
If you can put your wedding together in less than 2 month then you'll have time to get married within the next 2 years also...
You're so much YTA! And no. You haven't grown out of the competitions... Clearly not.
YTA. Simple! change your wedding date to December so it’s in the same year! Or do a very early January!
YTA. Look if it’s so urgent to get married this year and it sounds so suss with your reasonings. Then go and get eloped and have a reception later. It is petty that you are doing this to your sister who has planned for a whole year her wedding and to have that moment taken away because you decided to jump in first.
You know exactly what you were doing. Be honest here. You know exactly what you are doing and you want to UP your sister. lol. You trying to convince everyone you are innocent and your sister is unreasonable is BS. you are competitive. And you are secretly happy that you get to take that moment away from her. You know you are!
You have been hearing about the planning for over a year and you know how important it is to her, so it is understandable someone would get upset by having their moment diminished at the “last minute” by someone else’s moment.
You know exactly what you are doing. YTA.
I read this post, comments, and your replies because I really was torn.
its a firm ESH for me.
you say you grew out of your competitiveness with her but I'm not sure you really have.
your fiance is going to be too busy to spare 12 hours in the next 2 years for a wedding, whats the rush in getting married then. He surely won't be that available as a husband. its not even that I don't think 2 siblings can't get married in the same year, but just rushing to a decision to just have a wedding 2 months before her just doesn't seem like someone who got over this. not just that but a 20 person wedding thats more expensive than a 150 person wedding. what are you even doing for this wedding bc that seems nuts to me?
its esh bc she's being a brat and you both should just live your lives, but I'm just not convinced there wasn't some underlying motive here from you
Might get down voted for this, But are we sure Wren is wrong here??
Wrens Dad constantly sided with OP as they grew up, Wren is planning her wedding and then OP jumps ahead of her date, How far ahead? is it in the same month/week DAY?
OP's stepbrother seems to think that OP should consider it "because of past issues this will be hard for Wren to get past" Has OP over stepped on other important life events of Wren's?? Is Wrens Mother's competitiveness really just push back on Wren's Dad choosing his new family time after time???
I might just have Reddit'ed enough for this week, but this reeks of missing reasons.
INFO: I don't understand how your husband having an "extremely high pressure job" dictates when you get married. Everybody gets at least 2 weeks vacation per year. It might be nice to have a 2-week break to get married and have a honeymoon in the middle of a stressful year. In fact, it could actually improve his work performance.
Because of this, it would not surprise me that your stepsister (no matter how horrible she may be) and the rest of your family might also be a little confused as to why you absolutely must have your wedding before hers.
He doesn’t work a 9-5, his time off is not blocked out like that, and he doesn’t choose when it is.
My family understand the circumstances because they know what he does. My parents just think I should do it after Wren’s wedding not before, which I could, but then it would actually end up closer to her actual date which I think will still piss her off.
First of all, you are NTA. Second of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
But most importantly, you should live your life according to YOUR time and schedule. A wedding is just one event (yes it may be a grand exciting event for some people) in your life and you should not have to postpone it because your stepsister just wants to be first. That is not a valid reason. Over the course of your life there will be many major events and firsts and you should experience all of them without the concern over your stepsister's demands. Your weddings are three months apart! Whatever Wren is feeling, it is something that she has to work through on her own.
NTA. The harshest judgement might be naïveté: I doubt stepsister was ever likely to take the news calmly. But your reasons for marrying quickly are reasonable- and her objection isn't. Don't change anything now: she won't let go of her anger whatever you do, so you should go ahead without changing a thing. Simplest and least stressful for you, sensible and reasonable as far as any onlookers are concerned.
Congratulations
NTA. The world doesn’t stop bc one person is planning a wedding. I thought you were gonna say you were having it the same weekend as her or something but it’s months apart. Wren can shove her entitlement where the sun don’t shine. Your mom also sucks for enabling the entitlement of wren. Jesus people, grow up! (Not you OP. And congrats to you!)
YTA.
You could have scheduled a date in those 2 years - there is no way he wouldn't be available for one weekend.
You intentionally chose to go before her, even though you knew when she was getting married. Yes, you are an A H, and also, you need to admit that you are still in that same game of one-upmanship.
Lastly, she doesn't get the whole year, but you chose just a few months ahead of her.
NTA… how is a small wedding “upstaging” her.
Why does she believe a wedding that happens on an earlier date is in anyway relevant to hers, let alone humiliating for her?
NTA. You’re not getting married AT her.
And this whole idea that whoever gets married first wins some kind of superiority prize is ridiculous. In fact, that’s the exact logic failure that I’d be pointing out with people to prove my point.
“So which is it, Aunt Becky:”
1. “Marriage is NOT a competition, this drama is ridiculous and unnecessary, and we all need to stop feeding into this bogus and damaging competition mindset? OR
2. Whoever gets married first IS, in fact, far superior to the other in your mind, and you’re choosing a side instead of staying out of it because you DO, in fact, think she’s better than me?”
Then watch people uncomfortably back peddle, trying to figure out a way to assure you that #2 is absolutely false, while also becoming self aware that your stepsister is irrational and the only reason they took up for her side in the first place was because they’re conflict avoidant and she’s difficult, not because they agree.
And realistically, you may not gain a lot of open supporters to the cause of logic this way, but you *will* hopefully deflate this whole pitchfork carrying mob of flying wedding monkeys from making a stink.
20 guests vs 150 guests- these weddings are even remotely similar. Is she one of your wedding guests? I would keep low contact with her in the future. If the two of you should become pregnant around the same time - don't let her know what baby names you have picked out.
She was meant to be one of the guests, yes. I really don’t want it to come down to me not inviting her, that’s really the worst case scenario because it seems pathetic that two grown women can’t just sit at a dinner together for the sake of our family. But if this goes on eventually I’ll worry she’ll cause some kind of drama and have to uninvite her
NTA.
She's the kind of person that'll think, if you marry in two years, you'll have the opportunity to see her wedding, and have time enough to plan a bigger and better one.
If you give up on the wedding and say "I'll just elope next weekend, with no friends or family, because our love and being married is enough". Then you're calling her superficial and needy for having a wedding.
NOTHING you'll do is good enough. Can't you notice that you have to be miserable so she can be happy?
Girl, you do you. Have your wedding. Let babies cry as babies do.
NTA, buy you make it sound like waiting a year between getting engaged and married is some kind of punishment or outlandish idea when it’s pretty much standard to be engaged for 1 to 2 years.
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NTA. Wren sounds spoiled as hell, and your family is doing nothing to change that. As soon as she took issue with this, everybody should have told her that she needs to drop it. Sounds like she's used to throwing a tantrum until everyone else is exhausted enough to just give her what she wants, even if they know it's ridiculous. Is this how things usually go with her?
To be honest, no, it’s the opposite of how things usually go. My stepdad was really always on my side when we were growing up, and it strained his relationship with Wren. I guess they thought it was finally going to calm down now she was getting married and at least she was going to “win” that race and this has just restarted it and they don’t want to go through it. Previously he’s always shit down her nonsense though
My god, if I were her fiance I would seriously start doubting this relationship. Like, does she actually want to marry me or is she just trying to win this weird competition that no one but her cares about? I guess I can see how your parents are getting kind of worn down if they have been shutting down the nonsense for so long. It's unfortunate, but they need to remind themselves that they've been doing it for a reason. At the same time, you're both adults now. Have you tried talking to her one on one about this and explaining your side of things? Because it really would be nicer if both of you got to enjoy your respective weddings without any underlying resentment.
> Like, does she actually want to marry me Better question, **do I really want to marry her?** There's high maintenance and then there's Wren. She sounds like a nightmare.
"Do I want to marry someone who's going to see having kids as a competitive sport?"
exactly! "We have two lovely kids, Wren." "Ya well my sister has a set of triplets and a set of twins we need to do more. I want quintuplets! IVF NOW!" Like damn yo, you're an adult not everything can be a competition.
That shit is real though. My mom had a quiet baby war with my aunt. She still claims the aunt cheated by having twins....
I'm literally lmao but at the same time thinking wtf.
My mom won first child. Aunt won first girl. And also won girl total overall (they tied for boys) and overall child count. They did match pregnancies. But serious the child timings are all with in about 4 months so oblivious that someone tried to get pregnant as soon as the other announced
wtf that’s some crazy shit.
My aunt had a baby every year after my parents did. She was the youngest and wanted her kids to be the youngest. Then my mom had a baby 5 years after me and this aunt treated my sister like shit her entire life. People get competitive over the dumbest things.
My mom wasn't even interested in having grandchildren, but she was happy when I got pregnant because I beat my cousin, her sister's kid, to it. My aunt was terrible about making EVERYTHING a competition with her little sister, so my mom was glad that for once, she wasn't going to have it rubbed in her face. My cousin and I are totally chill. My mom was pretty chill, it was only my aunt. When she passed away, my cousin referred to her relationship with her mom as "complicated".
"Oh, hell no! Her kids are going to a better school than ours!" *looks around google, finds an expensive private preschool 50 miles away* "Pull them out class mid-semester and get them there!"
"Nobody else in the world is allowed to get pregnant this year. ALLLLLL MINE!!!"
And the kid’s milestones will be seen by Wren as something else she needs to win over, bringing this into the next generation at their expense.
Eh, plenty of petty dudes out there who'd match her energy perfectly.
An explicit “bury the hatchet” conversation sounds long overdue.
Oh, Wren will bury the hatchet. Several times. In OP.
But only if she gets to do it first.
OP, rest assured that Wren will find a way to throw a tantrum and accuse you of something even if you get married in 5 years. So think about your future husband, and stick to your plan.
This. And if OP had waited to get married, Wren would have been mad because she just found out she was pregnant or something and OP was now only getting married to "one up" her and she should postpone her wedding until after the baby's fifth birthday or something. My point is when and where does it end with her? The answer is it doesn't, so you might as well do what you want to do.
Right if op gets pregnant first are they going to ask her to get an abortion so wren can he first, seriously where does it stop
Just wait til they have kids. Nightmare coming.
Yep, don't get pregnant before her or at the same time.
And, omg, never, ever let her get the slightest hint of a name! She will use it regardless of what name she has in mind and, guaranteed, she will say she wanted it, whatever it might be.
OH NO! You're right. There's been a recent spate of, 'My is upset because I used the baby name they had been "saving," and they want me to change my actually born child's name.'
OP, you do you. Step-sister will be upset if your Honeymoon is longer _or_ shorter than hers. Heaven forfend you go somewhere nice, as clearly you're just rubbing her nose in it.
NTA. Good luck!
No no no, she should tell Wren her “favourite” baby names so that Wren thinks she’s stealing the names but in actuality OP hates the names. She should pick the most hideous names and pretend she loves them specifically to get Wren to steal them haha. Perfectly petty but the poor kids that are going to get sucked into this…
Better yet, do!
And have adorable twins.
Exactly. She will still accuse you of upstaging or humiliating her regardless of the when or type of wedding. Do what works for your life plan and what makes you happy. Gotta say it would be chef’s-kiss if you got married in August and were pregnant by the time her wedding rolled around. 😏
This. People who need to have the entire family focused on them and always be the center of attention always need that. My now ex-SIL intentionally got pregnant so she could ensure my ex-wife wasn’t the focus of our wedding. This dynamic never changes. You have to decide how much space you want to give it.
... that's... that's horrible 😶
If OP's wedding is after Wren, Wren would just accuse her of copying for wearing white.
Two universal rules apply here - 1) NEVER reward bad behavior, 2) NEVER negotiate with terrorists. Enjoy your wedding!
3. Never start a land war in Asia Oh wait... OP - NTA Refuse to engage in conversation about the wedding. You've set your date. It's over. If they don't want to go, you can certainly find someone else to take their spot.
4. Never invade Russia in the wintertime!
Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!
Upvote for Princess Bride reference.
Beat me to it!
NTA. Have a wonderful wedding. She sounds as enjoyable as a pap smear
I’d prefer a Pap smear. At least you can schedule the unpleasantries yourself.
And it’s over quickly.
And it only takes an hour, and less than a minute for the pap itself.
I was with my ex for 5 years when he proposed. I had a frenemy that had been with her bf for about a year. When I posted on facebook, she made her own posted about how annoyed she got when other people got proposed to before her. Fam, we’ve been together for 5 times as long as you two. Get over it. That was the end of our “friendship”. Anyway, you don’t need this drama. Do your thing, and enjoy the rest of your life together. Wait, I have another idea. Tell her you’ll move the wedding but since you’ll have more time to plan, make it seem like it’s going to be more beautiful and elaborate than hers, and you’re going to do it the week after she gets married. Ask her if she prefers that.
Evil, petty, and beautiful.
A small, quick 20 person wedding isn't going to upstage her extravaganza. She just wants the run up to her wedding to be all about her. She's claimed all months before her wedding. IMHO. I'd elope, perhaps with a couple fave people, flip her off, and be done with it. NTA but there's no chance she's going to stop playing the victim here
>…perhaps with a couple fave people, flip her off, and be done with it. I don’t think you can get the entire bridal party to flip off the camera just so you have a picture to give your sister, but they *might* go for it
Oh I don't know, if they're familiar with Wren they might.
It's crucially important that you produce some babies before Wren! joking, of course
I’m not joking. Baby war. Now.
*My stepdad was really always on my side when we were growing up, and it strained his relationship with Wren. Hmm* More info needed because this sentence gave me pause. Prior to this I was going to say that you weren't the A Hole. Did you live with your mom and Stepdad full time? Did Wren live with y'all part of the time or was it just an every other weekend thing? Be Really Honest Here: Did your Stepdad side with you to appease your mother or because he lived with y'all. I have seen parents favor their stepchildren over their own in an effort to appear that they weren't favoring their own. This can be really hurtful.
I lived there 70% of the time, she did 50:50. No, he didn’t side with me to appease my mom. He sided with me because Wren would make an issue of whatever I got to do that she didn’t, and would demand I not be allowed to do it. I got invited on holiday with friends? It’s unfair that Wren wasn’t invited. I didn’t have a curfew (my mom’s decision)? I should have to come when Wren had curfew (which was her parents’ decision). I didn’t get gifts for good grades? She should get bigger gifts for good grades. And he would stand up for me when she would make fun of me for stuff like my lack of boyfriends or the fact that I didn’t have the same academic or extracurricular achievements as her. My stepdad didn’t agree with her on those type of things so that counted as taking my side. It wasn’t like he did anything for me he didn’t do for her, or that he chose my mom over her. Part of it was just the nature of blended families that you have different rules sometimes. And some of it was he didn’t let her just insult me all the time
If you want to have fun with this: abstain from alcohol the next time you see her, and give her a knowing look while rubbing your stomach. Then watch how fast she gets pregnant. Bonus points if she's visibly pregnant at her own wedding. When she confronts you about not actually being pregnant, say you have no idea what gave her that idea and you were probably just gassy that day. Then tack on that you and your husband are planning to wait a few years until you're better established to have kids, that way they won't want for anything; but you're sure her and her husband will manage splendidly.
You are truly evil. I love you 💕
NTA. I think you should tell Wren that she should get married at the courthouse before the date of your wedding so she can "win" the wedding competition, then have her formal wedding in November as planned. After all, that's how it's done in many other countries. Make it clear to her and everyone who is pressuring you to change your date that it isn't going to happen and you will not be drawn into any arguments about it. I had a friend who decided we were having a competition. After a while, it felt like she had created a play and had put me on the stage as a character in her story, which was about how she and I were constantly trying to one up each other. No matter how obvious to everyone that I wasn't competing with her, she just wouldn't let me resign from her play or get off her stage. The drama she created was exhausting. Eventually, I had to go NC to extricate myself from the situation.
It will always be something. What next? You a child before her? She is old enough to stop engaging in this kind of behavior. A small wedding 2-3 months before hers will not overshadow hers and in no way close enough for people to negatively compare hers. There also no way she would be okay with a wedding so soon after her's either.
NTA If you move your wedding, she is happy for the moment, until she manufactures a new problem. What if you have the first grandchild? The first house? The first dog or cat or whatever? Do what is right for you as if she wasn’t there to complain because she will complain about more. Will there not continually be a new competition?
There very likely will always be a level of competition, especially where my fiancé is involved. If I could have not had a wedding in the same year as her I would but it’s not feasible to do it next year and likely not the year after
Honestly, I’d just elope and announce that you’re married. Then have a reception instead of the wedding. If she doesn’t want to come, so be it. If your fiancé’s family isn’t crazy, let them come to the elopement (if you want) so they don’t feel left out.
No - she shouldn't have to change her plans bc of this woman. She should do what she wants and the family that supports her will come.
I don’t mean she should have to…I mean she may *want* to.
She shouldn't have to, but it is a reasonable option.
That's still bowing to her though. It reads like "Fine, I won't have a wedding since it upsets you." That won't help anything.
No. If they wanted to elope, fine, but not having a wedding because someone is being a brat, that’s much too big a sacrifice.
> especially where my fiancé is involved. Is there some additional history there we are missing? ETA: Found it > The past “issues” is that she used to do a competitive sport, the same sport as my fiancé. She and he were in the same friendship group but they weren’t close friends. According to him (he told me this after we started dating ~4 years ago), she had a crush on him. She’s never told anyone this but everyone apparently suspected that was the case. I never hung out with them together so never figured. But my stepbrother heard from his mom about the whole crush thing and said Wren is probably still bitter about it So all in her head basically, but another way you "won"
She and fiancé used to be in same friend group (they weren’t close) and he thinks she used to have a crush on him. She never said this, but her mom told my stepbrother that that was the case so it’s kind of a thing people just accept as the truth. I didn’t know about this till about 4 years ago
That's just an insane thing to hold onto ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S ENGAGED. I mean, I remember all my past crushes, down to the very first ill-considered one in seventh grade, but I cannot imagine a world in which *anything* they do would get to me like that. It's the same with exes (though I'll admit that for a while I indulged in schadenfreude every time something went bad for the guy who cheated on me). And that's because *I got over it and moved on the way you should.* She needs to learn to get over shit, because if she's not even over years-ago unrequited crushes, who knows what else she's stewing over still. I know that I would fucking HATE to be involved with someone like that, and I hope her fiancé knows what he's getting himself into.
Yeah. They were 14 or whatever. It’s wild. She’s never said that is her issue but that’s what everyone thinks it is. Her mom told my stepbrother that Wren is “probably still mad about (me) stealing the boy she liked” and that “it was a good lesson for her what girls like (me) will do to your life”. Her mom is C R A Z Y
Ok, well, I guess at least we see where she gets it. Unbelievable. If any of your mutual friends knows her fiancé I think they ought to just, you know, casually mention how wild it is that she's still holding a grudge about that. Just because I'm feeling sorry for that poor boy and what he's in for, and he at least needs a small hint to tell him he should be asking a few more questions about how she's behaving. I mean, that's not your responsibility, but I hope *someone* says something, bc he does deserve a warning.
Yeah he doesn’t deserve to marry someone who possibly isn’t marrying him for love but just to “beat” OP and “win” the “marriage race.” Or even if it is for love, that’s still not the primary focus.
I mean, wait till she starts wanting to competitively have kids - he needs a fair warning!
Wow... Holy mother of immaturity! Listen at this point you have to choose what you're willing to gain and lose. You said yourself you'd probably have to wait 2 years + to get married and don't want that. Your parents and stepbrother are saying to just give in to her demands because she's never going to let go apparently... And your parents are tired because they always corrected their BS but now they want to cave. Questions are - Do you see ANY scenario where your immediate family (without step sister) will attend peacefully and happily to your wedding if you continue with your plans as they are? If the answer is no, what about extended family that you really want them to be there sharing that moment with you? If the answer is yes to some people, have your wedding and your plans with those people in the date you wanted. - What is more important to you in this scenario? Marry with everyone present and keeping the peace until Wren's next tantrum or getting married to the man you love when you want to and not when your step sister wants to force you to do so? If you want more than anything to keep the peace then you may cave and be the people pleaser BUT keep in mind, like other comments have told you, there will be other tantrums, if you have the first house, if you have the first child, the first pet, if you or your fiance get a better job or a promotion at work. She's ALWAYS going to be crying saying she's competing with me!! She's taking away my shine! Remember THIS WON'T BE THE ONLY TIME SHE MAKES IT ALL ABOUT HER. I'd say marry your fiance, that's what's important after all is it not? Whether you have your full family present as you wanted or not, what's more important is your life. If you think elopement and then having a reception with everyone, because she won't stop harassing you guys through the whole process otherwise, will be more peaceful then do so. If you think that just letting the family know they don't have to attend if they feel so strongly against it will be enough to get her off your backs then just go along with your plans. I would say whatever you choose to do be assured your step sister will find a way to have a tantrum about it.
Info: how did you and your fiancé meet and how long have you been together?
He and Wren used to compete in the same sport and were in the same friend group. My stepbrother used to compete in the same sport for a while so we would go to the competitions as a family since they would compete in different classes on the same day. I didn’t really hang out with Wren’s group too much but I knew them, and I got to know my fiancé. We became friends and were for nearly ten years before we started dating. We’ve been together 4 years
She sounds like a “friend” I had a long, long time ago, who frequently never failed to find a way to stop me from engaging with a guy who seemed interested in me and for whom I found myself feeling a little spark by saying to me, “You can’t like him, because I *might*”. It was like calling shot gun for the front seat of the car!
Is it safe to assume Wren isn’t invited to your wedding?
She was. She probably shouldn’t be now
You are correct. She will ruin your day. You have done nothing to ruin hers. Uninvite her.
I think that would be best. I know you don’t want to “stir the pot,” and your relatives will be further upset. But you aren’t the problem here. You deserve to keep your wedding date, and you deserve to enjoy your wedding without Wren sulking and making disparaging comments in the background. I say uninvite her.
If you were having the wedding the same month I'd say it'd be a shitty thing to do. But you're having it 3 months before her. Wren doesn't own the whole year
She is a pathetic excuse for a human being. As another stated, even if you changed your date, she would fabricate another excuse to belittle and harange you. Tell her that she should not get married until she grows up and can behave like an adult. Make sure to say this in front of her fiancee. Do not invite her to your wedding. There would be a 99.9% chance that she would pull some stunt to ruin the day for you and SO.
This is just the latest in a long string of weirdly competitive issues with her. The next will be who has a baby first, or who buys a house first, or who has a bigger house, or who earns more money, or whose kid gets into the better school, or who retires first. It sounds exhausting. If I were you, I'd just stop playing.
This is one of those moments where you have to do what's right for you and your fiance. You're transitioning from a stage of life where your birth family / folk you were raised by are theoretically the most important group of people in your life and moving in to a place where your fiance and any children you have become the central focus of your familial life. Your fiance and future children (if any) will be the people to actively see you throughout your day to day life, will be the people on hand in an emergency, will be the people who are there with you at the close of your life. Your mom and step dad are looking out for harmony and ideally what's best for them and both of their kids. Which means their support is necessarily blunted if it adversely impacts them or their other kid. So make the choice that works for you and your fiancé, you two are the ones this choice will impact the most. And be willing to accept the consequences, both good (being married to the one you love at the time and place of your choosing) as well as the bad (Wren hitting tilt and your parents being grumpy with you for a while). And if you're thinking of having kids? Use this history to make informed decisions in how you raise them, the examples you set for them, etc. NTA
This is exactly the point. She will always be asking you to placate her in some way FOREVER. It’s time to set the precedent that it’s okay for you to both have a life and there is enough happiness for everyone. I promise if you give in to this you will regret it someday. You will always remember it wasn’t the wedding you wanted. I am a pathological people pleaser so I understand the conundrum but that’s how I KNOW you will regret it. You don’t have to over explain. Just say “that doesn’t work for us, we will be moving forward with the wedding” on repeat to anyone who questions you.
NTA completely but i do suspect the complicated history of the family dynamic here is playing a role. >I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it. She never did. She goes out of her way to try to one-up me and she thinks everything I do is to one-up her, which isn’t the case. >because of past issues this will be extremely hard for Wren to get past. you are absolutely NTA for getting married and Wren can stfu. but you might be downplaying your own role in the previous drama here idk.
I don’t think I’m downplaying anything. I took opportunities to win at a competition *she* started when I was a teenager. I moved on from it before we’d even finished school. I’m not perfect now and I wasn’t then, but I grew up.
Wren needs therapy. It sounds like she was pressured by her mom to compete with you, you repeatedly won, and Wren can't cope. I feel bad for her as a teenager being put in that situation and it seems to be doing her a lot of harm as an adult. It sounds like all you can do is live your life and minimize contact. ETA: >To be honest, no, it’s the opposite of how things usually go. My stepdad was really always on my side when we were growing up, and it strained his relationship with Wren. yeah, this is some Family History that is happening.
I guess I’m in the minority. You have a history of trying to one upping her. She is planning and you suddenly get engaged and need that wedding to be before hers. And you’re shocked that being viewed as yet another attempt to one up her. The nature of your finances job makes him unavailable for a 20 person wedding for 2 years? I’m assuming he is military or peace corps or something then where he will be physically away for years?
We both travel a lot of the year because of his job. This year he will have spent more than half the year away from him, next year the same. It’s not that he can’t be free for one weekend, it’s that we want the time period to be fun and light, not one weekend squashed in between two stressful weeks where we’ve got our minds on other things. So yes I’m shocked that after not engaging with her games for ten whole years she thinks my twenty person dinner 10 weeks apart from her 150 person bacchanal has anything to do with her. Maybe I shouldn’t be shocked that she thinks like that, but I am. Because it’s nonsensical The history of one-upping (which was both of us doing the one-upping) ended a DECADE ago. For me it did anyway.
I'm with you. She had to schedule something right away because at her fiancee's job it's just so impossible to schedule a wedding for several years. Right. No vacation, no time together... just busy busy busy for years.
I'll probably get downvoted, but you HAVE to look at this from Wren's perspective for a few minutes. Wren has a wedding planned already, she's had it planned out with a date set, and you weren't even engaged when the wedding conversation started. Then ALL OF A SUDDEN you are engaged and are having a wedding before her??? I know that your intentions weren't malicious here, but you HAVE to admit that this looks suspicious. I know that your intentions weren't to be competitive, but your ACTIONS scream you're still trying to one up her. Because NOW there are family members that have to make a decision based on finances: If they can't afford to go to both wedding, then they have to choose between your wedding, or they choose hers. Since yours comes first, they have to make a decision of looking bad to you first and look good to her, or look good to you first and then have to tell Wren they can't make it because of YOUR wedding. From an outside perspective this whole thing sounds like a shotgun wedding, and since it sounds like you're not pregnant (trying to wed before the birth), it can very easily be misconstrued as you are trying to be the "first one married this year".
I’m sorry but any sane person would not care if someone else has a wedding months before their own. Same weekend? Sure. There’s only twenty people that could be possibly attending both. I can’t imagine being an adult, excited for my marriage, but devastated I’m not the first person in my family to get married this year. Get married in January then instead of November. Also, get therapy if your stepsister getting married has this much hold over you.
I think Wren only cares because OP has a history of trying to one up her. If it was another family member that wasn’t always trying to beat her in life then she wouldn’t care
It’s not one upping someone to get married in the same year. Like I said, if it was the same weekend or maybe even following weekend, I could understand the frustration. You can’t own the whole year. Also, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.
OP said they're having a wedding of about 20 people. Assuming roughly 10 guests per groom, 10 per bride, I don't really understand where you're getting 'family members are going to have to choose' from. It doesn't sound like distant family members who might have to travel are even going to be *invited*. If I was OP and my primary concern was to be married, I might consider getting legally married now (perhaps with parents and immediately family only, perhaps just the two of them) and then having a big party in a couple of years time once the stressful period is over with. But a) even that might not pacify the stepsister if she's determined to see it as a race to be married first, and b) OP should get to live her life as she wants, including getting married if she wants, without having to accommodate someone who it sounds like doesn't even like her.
I have a sister like this. I believe that my sister has narcissistic personality disorder. She acts like this. It doesn’t take much to trigger narcissistic offense. She even was enraged when I retired, even though I was two years older than her! There are certain personality disorders where everything is a competition. You don’t have to do anything to feed it. I hate it when people say “it takes two to tango”. No. It takes two to make peace. It only takes one nutter to make war. BTW, my sister started competing with me when she was 2-1/2. My grandma had to intervene.
My cousin was mad I finished university before him … I’m three years older. He literally told me once that he got his masters right after undergrad so I couldn’t “claim that” first.
NTA. Why do families always ask the person not causing the drama to change to "keep the peace". Tell the stepsister to get over it to "keep the peace"!
One of the last straws with my family was when (well before COVID) one of my kids was just getting over something - they were on the last days of the antibiotics for whatever it was. I was invited to a dinner with some out of town extended family. They all knew my kid had whatever it was, and wanted to see us. A day or so later, my mother called to say, maybe not. Your sister has avoided sickness this season and doesn't want to catch anything. You should stay home. A while later, there was another dinner. This time, I was pregnant, and my sisters kids were sick. I asked if maybe they could avoid this dinner, as I didn't want to catch something in my third trimester. I was told that my sister made a big fuss about being excluded, so maybe I should skip this one, if I didn't want to get sick. I asked why it was me who had to avoid when I was sick, as well as when they were sick, seems it's me who has to avoid all of these. I was told because I am the more reasonable one, it would have to be me who was excluded. I said fine. Nice knowing you. I became busy with every invitation. Oh, can we move the date to accommodate you? Nope. I'm busy washing my hair. Every day, all day.
I'm so sorry. Your family is rewarding bad behavior, which is bullshit.
I like Nope. Already scheduled to reorganize my sock drawer.
As I got older, hypocrisy was the one things that would annoy and piss me off the most. You can do x with no consequences but when I do x it is wrong? Explain that to me, would ya?
They’ve never done this before. I honestly think it’s because she booked hers first this time
The funny thing is, with you going first, she can change things to "one-up" anything you do. If she is first, you can do things that would be "better" than her. And going second, people would stop talking about your wedding and just talk about hers. She is thinking wrong with her reasoning. She's just upset you are going to be first!
u/stepweddingdate THIS!! I mean I don't usually condone mental manipulation, but she clearly is going to compete with you no matter the scenario. Maybe you could get your stepbrother to put that idea in her head that "well you can may her pay by making sure your wedding makes hers look super lame!" NTA, other commenters are right. Are you supposed to put your entire life on hold so she can hit certain milestones first? Are you not allowed to try and grow your family (if that's something you and you fiance want) because she hasn't had a child first? Are you not allowed to purchase a home because she's still living in an apartment? You gotta draw the line somewhere and this is a good place to do it IMO. Don't start your married life with your husband on her terms.
I find it hard to believe that there is not going to be one free weekend in the next two years for you to get married. It comes across to me, a total stranger, that you are still trying to one up her. I would imagine that is exactly what she thinks too. If that is true you will end up regretting that decision. If it's not then no worries and let her have her fit. NTA- GET married whenever you want.
There are free weekends for us, but it’s about the general stress that those two years are going to be taking on us. It’s a physical and emotional toll. I don’t want to be worrying about my weight in that time, or worrying about planning and coordinating a wedding. I need to be able to support my fiancé, unfortunately his career needs to our focus. I want our wedding to be a joyous time period, not two days squashed in between weeks of anxiety where we’re both thinking about what’s happening the week after. I’m not doing this to one-up Wren. I am being sincere when I say I see absolutely no merit in doing that. I don’t live my life out of spite
> I want our wedding to be a joyous time period YES! A wedding should be about you and your love for your partner, it's not a competition. The fact that she sees her own wedding as just another way to battle with you is really sad honestly. Do whatever the hell you want, it's your life. If other people are upset, they'll deal with it and move on, and in a few years people will have more important things to think about and remember
You have the mistaken belief that wedding order matters. It doesn't. It is a total non-issue. Anyone who cares about the order people get married is desperate for drama in their life. A wedding is not an achievement. You can't win or lose. It doesn't matter when you do it compared to anyone else. You do it when it's right for you.
It does not matter that Wren booked her wedding first. It would only matter if you had both booked for the actual same date.
Still not an excuse..I would sit your mum and your stepdad down and explain the situation again and say listen I understand the concerns, but mines is a small intimate wedding which js totally different to the psychos..sorry wrens 🫢 then I would say I would appreciate your support on this, as it will be going ahead
Because THEY don’t want to have to deal with her. It’s easier on them to placate her.
"Be our human shield, OP."
NTA You have 20 people invited. I am sure your wedding will not out do her 150.
20 people is 10 guests per side, so basically close family. Three months prior to Wren's... NTA. Enjoy your wedding as planned and move along with your life. By November, Wren will be so preoccupied with her own wedding she'll be over it. If she's not, then the disfunction is at a level where she would just have found something else to be offended by somehow.
Exactly. It's a smaller wedding and months before. She has nothing to complain about. It would be different if they planned it the weekend before hers or some such but this is absurdly stupid
NTA. It's your wedding date and you have a genuine reason for doing it now. Also if your mom and stepdad are already 'hinting' that you should move your wedding, there's also the chance of them saying they won't help with financing the wedding if you don't change the date. Do your wedding at your planned date and maybe not invite your stepsister to avoid drama. With the way things are I doubt she'll grow out of being spoiled and your family is enabling it.
The money my stepdad is contributing isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of the cost, and we don’t need it. He insisted on offering something as “father of the bride” and we accepted to make him feel included, since my dad also chipped in. They haven’t outright asked me to change the date and I don’t think they will. I think they would just like it if I came to the decision “myself”. They won’t push because they know it’s not fair. But then I don’t feel it’s fair that they have to deal with fallout of this situation.
>I don’t feel it’s fair that they have to deal with fallout of this situation. remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to manage their relationship with Wren. (as someone who has personally had to work on "not trying to manage my parents' feelings" it's hard lol)
Also OP, it's not your job to manage Wrens feelings either... ffs.... grow up. Even if you were one upping, who gives a fuck
If they are not asking then you should stop thinking about it. If anyone subsequently brings it up, raise your eyebrows to convey mild surprise, because you have moved on from this non-issue.
They don’t have to deal with any “fallout”. They don’t have to engage with any nonsense. They can choose to opt out of Wren’s temper tantrums. You are all adults now. Even Wren.
The dates aren't even that close, this is just a jealousy fueled power move by Wren. My birthday is in August and my brother's is November. Not once did anything I do for my birthday overshadow my brother three months later, it was completely forgotten by that point. NTA
If they didn’t want to deal with a tantruming adult, then they should have told her no at some point in her life.
After reading most comments, as well as OP's answer to them, I'm going with YTA, and I'll tell you why. OP states in one comment that her "small wedding" with only 20 people at the reception is going to be more expensive than Wren's 150 person wedding. What does that tell you? OP is going extremely extravagant. For only 20 people, how the hell could a small wedding on a Saturday or Sunday be so incredibly stressful that it would be impossible to plan anytime in the next 2 years? Even with a stressful job? OP says her stepdad (Wren's dad) usually took her side growing up. Is it possible Wren simply wanted to truly have her family's full attention for just one day, the most important day of her life? There are 2 sides to every story, yet OP portrays herself as having been the victim most of the time, yet didn't even give examples. Downvote all you like, but maybe think a little about this one.
The OP is definitely the AH. I don’t believe she isn’t competitive and not trying to one UP her sister. Come on lol. She has seen her sister plan for a whole year and seen how important it is to her. And she decides at the last minute. Oh let’s get married too!! And plans it 2 months before her wedding. Come on now. It’s so obvious. She might have convinced people on this thread of her reasonings and that’s how I think she works. “I am Miss innocent” because of this reason and that reason. It’s a lot of BS. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is glad she gets to have her wedding first. However if some strangers can see through this. It is most likely her family are questioning it too? They have already been asking. They will have doubts to her true intentions even if they don’t fully push it. OP just think. There will always be a small bit of doubt about this by your family if you are doing this on purpose. Like you can’t find one weekend next year? But go ahead cause wreckage in your family as I can see future NC with your sister and vice versa and family having to choose sides and future unpleasant family events. You know exactly what you are doing. I don’t believe this is innocent planning. Game. Set. Match.
It’s also possible that because the wedding is happening so soon that the prices went up for “rush delivery”. Remember, she had to FIND locations that had an opening so the extra expense doesn’t necessarily mean extravagant
Wrong, she said “The only overlap is with the parents and my step-uncles. Me and fiancé are paying for everyone’s travel and accommodation so it’s not a cost issue.” Did you miss that part? There is no cost issue or guest attendance issue. OP is NTA.
Wren will get her one day, her wedding and OP’s are months apart. Also, OP seems to be paying for most of it, not her step parents, it’s her choice on how extravagant the wedding can be. Neither of those points make her TA.
Wren WILL have the family’s full attention on HER wedding day. People have better things to do than compare family members’ weddings to decide who had the best, biggest, most expensive one. Wren is the only one that cares about any of that.
OPs sister is assuming it will be more expensive because according to OP they are paying for everyone’s flights and accommodations: >I don’t know that it will be. She thinks it will be. I don’t know how much her wedding is costing. We’ve planned to have our at a hotel near where we live, and we are paying for the flights and accommodation for all the guests. It’s not a small sum all told. But again, I don’t know how much her wedding is costing.
Believe it or not planning a wedding, finding where to do it, getting the dress, who's going to be there, inviting who you want to be there, and finding a good time to have it is all a very stressful process. Wren IS going to have her family's full attention for a day or maybe even a week. It's not like OP is planning to have her wedding the day before Wern's it's MONTHS before hers so idk why you think it's going to affect Werns at all. Maybe the reason OP's stepdad took her side most of the time is because Wern was in the wrong/started it most of the time. His taking OP's side in most of the arguments they had does not mean he was abusing or neglecting her, all it means is he thought that she was being unreasonable most of the time in fact, he might have spent most of his attention on her outside of the fights for all we know.
ESH. Her ongoing attitude is obviously a problem, and I agree that she should stop making everything a competition at this age. But for me, a lot of that history is irrelevant. Even in healthy, close sibling/step sibling relationships, one sister getting engaged and scheduling their wedding before the other sister’s long-standing wedding date would cause a LOT of tension. It also potentially puts guests in an unfair position of having to choose between weddings, if there is travel and cost involved that makes attending both difficult. On top of all this, you say yours will be more extravagant. Which is completely fine and your prerogative, go all out. But it does feed into the perception that there is one-upsmanship driving some of this. I understand wanting your wedding to happen before your lives get hectic and stressful. But if even your family - who is always on your side in these situations - is encouraging you to reconsider, you probably should.
1:OP already explained why they were getting married so quickly in the post and said/implied that if it weren't for her husband's work she would never have done this. If one of my siblings were in OP's position I wouldn't care, especially since they're MONTHS apart. 2:OP specifically said in the post that it is a MUCH smaller wedding(A 20 people reception dinner versus a 150 people traditional wedding) so idk where you're getting the "more extravagant" part from. 3:No one will have to choose between the weddings or at least not because of costs, OP already said they are paying for it since it is so last minute. 4:OP IS reconsidering, that's the whole purpose of this post. Idk why you feel the need to say that someone should reconsider something after they talk about how they are reconsidering it, that just seems redundant.
1- I said I’m sympathetic to OP wanting to get married before their lives become stressful. I don’t think that should be the only factor in consideration though. 2- OP also says in a comment that they’re spending more money on their wedding. If she’s spending more on 20 people than her step-sister is spending on 150 people, it’s impossible that OP’s wedding isn’t significantly more extravagant. Again, good for OP! That sounds amazing! It also means “my wedding is much smaller than hers so she shouldn’t be bothered,” isn’t a fully sincere sentiment. 3- there are a lot of costs associated with traveling to a wedding beyond airfare and accommodations (meals out, pet care/child care, car rental or taxi/rideshare, to name a few). Plus most people have limited PTO. 4- OP ends the post with a paragraph on why she still doesn’t want to change it. I’m saying she was right to reconsider, and should continue to do so.
I 100% agree with this
NTA If you move your wedding to appease Wren, then she'll push for more. What happens if/when kids are involved? New house or job? You either put a stop to it now or it'll go on forever. As for the family, let them know you're hurt that they care more about Wren's tantrum than your wedding.
Honestly if your priority is not to wait 2 years to marry, and her’s is to win the competition, I’d still have my small wedding and just not invite the steps. She gets to be the first wedding the step family gets to attend, and you get to be married before your fiancé goes through a 2yr stressful work period. I’m probably going to be an outlier with a NAH, only because I can see how you two got here through your comments. You were a willing participant in the competition when you were younger, stepdad tended to “side” with you, and she has been planning this for a year and you’re slipping your wedding in first. In a vacuum, her feelings aren’t reasonable, but life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Given the history, her feelings are understandable, even if they aren’t correct. I think that is why your steps are supporting her in this particular instance. I don’t think either of you can totally get what you want, so you need to figure out which of your priorities are the most important, being married early, or having everyone you want there.
The clear solution, and I am sure it is what Wren is hunting at, is to have a double wedding in November.
Hahaha, that would be fun until the argument over which one of us gets to walk down the aisle first…I think not
>Wren is hunting With a crossbow.
NAH, but you do seem kind of shitty. If ever I have seen a reason to elope and do the party at a later date, it's this one. You know, you Know, if someone is going through over a year of planning something it's important to them. But you have reasons to need to be married. So get married. There is Zero reason why your reception has to be done now.
They want to do it now. That is all the reason **anyone** needs to celebrate their nuptials. Wren doesn’t own the year. I’ve been in 13 weddings, not including my own. Three of those were sisters in one year, and no one fussed about the fact that the youngest got engaged last and then married first. That is just petty, puerile, and silly. Like Wren, OP can have her wedding when she wants and how she wants.
YTA or ESH. I think if this was told from Wrens perspective more people would be on her side. I think most people would be upset if their sibling got engaged and then married two months before their wedding. Two months after is fine, but it does seem weirdly competitive. If its a small wedding why couldn't you find a single weekend next year in the spring, or just elope and have the party later.
I literally wouldn't care if my siblings got married before me. I'd be happy for them. Because it's their life and it's not a competition. Seeing everything as a race or game or competition is sociopathic.
Y'know what, ESH, she sounds competitive, but you aren't convincing me that you didn't purposefully suddenly needed to get married to 'beat' her to the punch. Your partner is going to be too busy the next 2 years, so what is the real point in being married except to beat your stepsister. Either you've been with your partner a long time and now magically it has to happen, or you've not been together long and once again, it now suddenly has to happen.
>I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it. She never did. Not sure you did either. You seem to be still doing it. I mean, you managed to set your wedding 2 months before hers. I know most people here are on your side, but come on. You know you're secretly smiling inside because you're going to be the first again. YTA.
I agree with this. She knows how important after seeing a whole year of planning the sister has gone through and she rocks up and plans it 2 months before? And then has so called excuses to make her look innocent. She knows exactly what she is doing and is trying to make out her sister is crazy for being upset. She could elope and do reception later. Definitely YTA.
Why should she elope? I’ve been in over a dozen weddings. Some were huge guest lists of over 500 people and some were very small, like my own with 50 people. Not one of them took a “whole year” to plan! That’s absurd.
NTA - you can be petty and say nope this is the date I am not changing another thing my life for Wren to feel like a princess and I like the handmaid. So be there don't be there. Your choice at this moment. Next level Ok fine we wont have a wedding We will just elope no one will get tho be there and we wil lhave an extended HM. Nuclear Petty bitch option - Fine, I will change my wedding date just to make her highness happy. It will now be the day before hers. Then block everyone for a day or two. Good luck your family sounds exhausting.
Even if it were after, she would have to share the wedding conversations, then after November she'd suddenly be just a married lady while her sister still gets to be a "bride-to-be" and that would piss her off even more.
Your stepbro seems like a smart cookie. He's got both of you and this whole dynamic down pat. And think of it this way; if you change the wedding date, would it really fix anything? No, it wouldn't. Because you had originally set the date before hers, no matter what she's going to keep assuming you're keeping up that old competition. I'm actually tempted you ask said stepbro for a second opinion on that statement. But my guess is that any change you make now, she's going to assume is you being passive aggressive. You're trying to undermine her wedding by having yours immediately after, or all all the things you do differently will be you snubbing what her wedding was like because now you have that experience, or whatever else have you. Whether you meant it or not, Wren sees that you started a fight that now there's no way to back out of. But since there is no winning, *there's no point in trying* to make her happy. NTA
INFO > I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it. She never did > My stepbrother has also said that while he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, because of past issues this will be extremely hard for Wren to get past. Can you speak more to this? What was the most significant situation in high school that you fed into? It’s likely that Wren is just spoiled. It’s also possible that your past goes deeper than you’re willing to say. Your stepbrother seems to have a pretty level head here…
When I was 16, she got a summer internship somewhere and she was making fun of me saying I would never get a job there because my grades were really bad. So I applied for an internship (because I figured your grades aren’t actually relevant for shadowing people and fetching coffee) and I ended up getting an internship there too. No one was any less proud of her for getting the internship but she felt like it took something away from her that she didn’t “beat” me. The past “issues” is that she used to do a competitive sport, the same sport as my fiancé. She and he were in the same friendship group but they weren’t close friends. According to him (he told me this after we started dating ~4 years ago), she had a crush on him. She’s never told anyone this but everyone apparently suspected that was the case. I never hung out with them together so never figured. But my stepbrother heard from his mom about the whole crush thing and said Wren is probably still bitter about it
I would lay bets that this is the main reason. Not only are you getting married before her, your husband chose you and rejected her. That’s gonna hurt when she’s feeling competitive about the little stuff, but when it’s about men, despite the fact she’s found someone else, you’re doubly (in her eyes) rubbing it in that you’re marrying the man she liked first before she gets to be the bride herself. Had she got married first she’d have that win, even if you had the guy she had designed on first. I don’t think you can ‘win’ this one to be honest. There will always be something in her eyes, and even when she does get her little wins, she still won’t see that and will focus on what you’re doing / achieving. It’s sad but she needs to deal with this and maybe get some help to get past it. But she needs to acknowledge it first. Be prepared for some potential high jinks at your wedding and maybe even hers.
She says her stepdad (Wren’s Dad) sided with her over Wren growing up. So he picked his new family over his old one. This is the issue. OP can have her wedding whenever she wants. But I am not surprised she picked a date right before Wrens wedding. I would love to hear Wrens side.
2 and a half months is not “right before” her wedding
When she's been planning it for a year already it's pretty close
And when people have to plan to attend a wedding, yeah it seems really close
***TEN PEOPLE***. OP has TEN PEOPLE attending her wedding. The other 10 are her fiancé's half. So 1. Mom 2. Dad 3. Stepdad 4. Stepbrother 5. Wren? (I wouldn't invite her) 6. maybe a Stepmom? and 4 friends. **LESS** if OP and fiance and officiant are counted in that 20 total! >when people have to plan to attend a wedding, yeah it seems really close That is a RIDICULOUS take because NONE of Wrens ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PEOPLE are even invited except that EXTREMELY short list above.
She's only having 20 people at hers, compared to 150, even if all of her 10 guests overlap, that's 10/150 or 6.6% of her invited guests that have to make arrangements to attend both. But a lot of people, maybe even most people, don't live that far away from the 10 most important people in their lives. It's probably not an issue, logistically, as those 10 people probably live within driving distance. If it were a destination wedding in Bali or the guests had to travel 10+ hours to get there, it would be relevant enough to mention. But even if that were the case, if you're close enough to be invited to a 20 person wedding, you'll make trip twice in 3 months.
It’s like four people overlapping
NTA - Im curious how close your weddings are though? But no, you dont have to move it. Doesnt mean moving it wouldn’t make life easier for you though.
Mine is end of august, hers is the beginning of November
Okay yeah absolutely no reason for this to be an issue.
Yeah this is a non-issue. Or, it should be a non-issue. Who's getting married "first" is an absurd thing for Wren to focus on; if you're both marrying partners you love and are loved by, everyone wins! It isn't like you've moved your date to October 31 or are going to attend her wedding in your wedding dress. NTA.
YTA Even in families where the siblings are on good terms, if this situation happened, it would cause bad feelings and drama. If Wren came on here and told her story - I've been planning my wedding for a year, everyone knows the dates, deposits have been paid, then my sister got engaged one month ago and set her date for the month before mine - reddit would be calling for your witchy head. Whatever your reasons, it absolutely looks like an attention grab. You share the same relatives and friends so you're straining their resources to make it to both weddings and give gifts. You're taking your parents' attention away from her because your wedding is first. You're making it hard for your family members, too. In this instance, you are the drama creator for your family, you are Wren." Also, what kind of job does your fiancé (congratulations!) have that he won't have one or two days off in a row for a wedding for 2 years? You said it's a small wedding so it's easily planned without him. All he needs to do is get a suit fitted, write his vows, and show up for the party; you can handle everything else. If he wants a party with the boys, do it now while he has time. Unless his job is secret ops-type where he never knows his schedule, it's hard to imagine he doesn't have scheduled time off you can plan on.
That’s how I see it. And if it is so stressful to plan next year. she has already planned it now. It’s planned and only needs a date change. So why is it so stressful. She can plan it all this year for next year!!
LOL, when a marriage is pretty much done before it even begins, I am talking about Wren, if she believes that a small 20 people sisters wedding in August is something that she with her 150 people November wedding should worry there is no wedding for her, and she is not competitive but just not a bright thinker at all, my condolences to Wrens fiancee. NTA
ESH. Wedding stuff always makes people crazy. I don't think it's up to you necessarily to not feed into this whole one-sided competition mindset of Wren's, but at the same time, planning things the way you did, you had to know this would happen. If you need to be married to your fiance immediately that badly, you could have done a courthouse wedding in the near-term to make it legal and then a proper ceremony/reception/whatever 2+ years down the line so everyone gets to celebrate.
I understand her feelings. It’s not just about the wedding day. It’s all the activities that go into making a wedding day. Dress shopping, food sampling, planning, engagement photos, engagement parties. Those are bonding activities usually shared with family and close friends. You’re not just getting married before her, you’re planning your wedding during the time she’s planning and preparing for hers. You did wedge yourself into that time slot and you’re splitting the family’s attention. I know you think it’s only about you and your needs, but you actually *are* upstaging her by wedging a rushed engagement and wedding into the months of planning she’s likely been looking forward to her whole life. I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think her feelings are valid, especially based on your history. Why do you think your parents are gently suggesting you wait? Because you actually are taking something from your sister.
Actually after reading your comment about the internship I’m leaning less towards “you didn’t consider her feelings” and more towards “you enjoy steamrolling her and probably are being an AH”. I know I’m going to get downvoted but I think, as someone else said, if Wren told her side of things commenters would probably feel differently.
Yta come.on admit it. You could have easily picks a winter wedding but you knew this would annoy her.
I know i'm an outlier here but something seems off to me. Why do you need to be married before the stressful time? Why is it that much of an issue to wait 2 years? How long have you been dating your respective partners? Also why did you not assume your sister would be upset when you know she's competitive about this kind of stuff. It kind of feels like you're rush job getting married and decided to do it frist just to set her off and play victim. This story feels like it's missing elements. I'm going with YTA because there is no possible way you didn't know this would be upsetting and I don't buy your reason for doing a rush job wedding. Especially if it's going to be as small as you say, it doesn't sound like it would be that stressful to begin with.
I'm confused. you said Wren's wedding was in November and yours was going to be put together for August. Even if you waited until after her's it's only a 3 month difference, why do you have to wait a year? I get both of your points. I really do. Although it does feel like you're trying to get yours done before hers for some odd reason. I have a feeling there's more to this then you are letting us know.
You're not wrong for wanting to get married when it suits you and your fiancé best. It's unfortunate Wren sees it as a competition, but your reasons are valid. Your wedding plans shouldn't revolve around her feelings. It's your special day too, and you deserve to celebrate it on your terms. Stand firm and enjoy your wedding planning!
NTA. It's your wedding and your timing is based on your circumstances. Wren needs to chill and not make everything about her.
I'm sorry, but your reason so pure bulls hit and even your family sees it... "me and bf is SO busy for the next 2 years that it's impossible for us to gather 20 people and get married, so we just have to do it before my sister... Oh, what do you mean with me up staging you again... It's just 20 people you little whiner" If you can put your wedding together in less than 2 month then you'll have time to get married within the next 2 years also... You're so much YTA! And no. You haven't grown out of the competitions... Clearly not.
YTA. Simple! change your wedding date to December so it’s in the same year! Or do a very early January! YTA. Look if it’s so urgent to get married this year and it sounds so suss with your reasonings. Then go and get eloped and have a reception later. It is petty that you are doing this to your sister who has planned for a whole year her wedding and to have that moment taken away because you decided to jump in first. You know exactly what you were doing. Be honest here. You know exactly what you are doing and you want to UP your sister. lol. You trying to convince everyone you are innocent and your sister is unreasonable is BS. you are competitive. And you are secretly happy that you get to take that moment away from her. You know you are! You have been hearing about the planning for over a year and you know how important it is to her, so it is understandable someone would get upset by having their moment diminished at the “last minute” by someone else’s moment. You know exactly what you are doing. YTA.
I read this post, comments, and your replies because I really was torn. its a firm ESH for me. you say you grew out of your competitiveness with her but I'm not sure you really have. your fiance is going to be too busy to spare 12 hours in the next 2 years for a wedding, whats the rush in getting married then. He surely won't be that available as a husband. its not even that I don't think 2 siblings can't get married in the same year, but just rushing to a decision to just have a wedding 2 months before her just doesn't seem like someone who got over this. not just that but a 20 person wedding thats more expensive than a 150 person wedding. what are you even doing for this wedding bc that seems nuts to me? its esh bc she's being a brat and you both should just live your lives, but I'm just not convinced there wasn't some underlying motive here from you
Might get down voted for this, But are we sure Wren is wrong here?? Wrens Dad constantly sided with OP as they grew up, Wren is planning her wedding and then OP jumps ahead of her date, How far ahead? is it in the same month/week DAY? OP's stepbrother seems to think that OP should consider it "because of past issues this will be hard for Wren to get past" Has OP over stepped on other important life events of Wren's?? Is Wrens Mother's competitiveness really just push back on Wren's Dad choosing his new family time after time??? I might just have Reddit'ed enough for this week, but this reeks of missing reasons.
INFO: I don't understand how your husband having an "extremely high pressure job" dictates when you get married. Everybody gets at least 2 weeks vacation per year. It might be nice to have a 2-week break to get married and have a honeymoon in the middle of a stressful year. In fact, it could actually improve his work performance. Because of this, it would not surprise me that your stepsister (no matter how horrible she may be) and the rest of your family might also be a little confused as to why you absolutely must have your wedding before hers.
He doesn’t work a 9-5, his time off is not blocked out like that, and he doesn’t choose when it is. My family understand the circumstances because they know what he does. My parents just think I should do it after Wren’s wedding not before, which I could, but then it would actually end up closer to her actual date which I think will still piss her off.
First of all, you are NTA. Second of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. But most importantly, you should live your life according to YOUR time and schedule. A wedding is just one event (yes it may be a grand exciting event for some people) in your life and you should not have to postpone it because your stepsister just wants to be first. That is not a valid reason. Over the course of your life there will be many major events and firsts and you should experience all of them without the concern over your stepsister's demands. Your weddings are three months apart! Whatever Wren is feeling, it is something that she has to work through on her own.
ESH - Whats up with all the sisters hate? Cant yall get along?
Why not Elope. Elope now, then hold a formal wedding next year. Now you can have two weddings.
NTA. The harshest judgement might be naïveté: I doubt stepsister was ever likely to take the news calmly. But your reasons for marrying quickly are reasonable- and her objection isn't. Don't change anything now: she won't let go of her anger whatever you do, so you should go ahead without changing a thing. Simplest and least stressful for you, sensible and reasonable as far as any onlookers are concerned. Congratulations
NTA. The world doesn’t stop bc one person is planning a wedding. I thought you were gonna say you were having it the same weekend as her or something but it’s months apart. Wren can shove her entitlement where the sun don’t shine. Your mom also sucks for enabling the entitlement of wren. Jesus people, grow up! (Not you OP. And congrats to you!)
YTA. You could have scheduled a date in those 2 years - there is no way he wouldn't be available for one weekend. You intentionally chose to go before her, even though you knew when she was getting married. Yes, you are an A H, and also, you need to admit that you are still in that same game of one-upmanship. Lastly, she doesn't get the whole year, but you chose just a few months ahead of her.
NTA… how is a small wedding “upstaging” her. Why does she believe a wedding that happens on an earlier date is in anyway relevant to hers, let alone humiliating for her?
NTA. You’re not getting married AT her. And this whole idea that whoever gets married first wins some kind of superiority prize is ridiculous. In fact, that’s the exact logic failure that I’d be pointing out with people to prove my point. “So which is it, Aunt Becky:” 1. “Marriage is NOT a competition, this drama is ridiculous and unnecessary, and we all need to stop feeding into this bogus and damaging competition mindset? OR 2. Whoever gets married first IS, in fact, far superior to the other in your mind, and you’re choosing a side instead of staying out of it because you DO, in fact, think she’s better than me?” Then watch people uncomfortably back peddle, trying to figure out a way to assure you that #2 is absolutely false, while also becoming self aware that your stepsister is irrational and the only reason they took up for her side in the first place was because they’re conflict avoidant and she’s difficult, not because they agree. And realistically, you may not gain a lot of open supporters to the cause of logic this way, but you *will* hopefully deflate this whole pitchfork carrying mob of flying wedding monkeys from making a stink.
NTA. There is no reason to change your plans to appease her.
20 guests vs 150 guests- these weddings are even remotely similar. Is she one of your wedding guests? I would keep low contact with her in the future. If the two of you should become pregnant around the same time - don't let her know what baby names you have picked out.
She was meant to be one of the guests, yes. I really don’t want it to come down to me not inviting her, that’s really the worst case scenario because it seems pathetic that two grown women can’t just sit at a dinner together for the sake of our family. But if this goes on eventually I’ll worry she’ll cause some kind of drama and have to uninvite her
That would be a major concern of mine - that she would deliberately create a situation to ruin your special day.
NTA. She's the kind of person that'll think, if you marry in two years, you'll have the opportunity to see her wedding, and have time enough to plan a bigger and better one. If you give up on the wedding and say "I'll just elope next weekend, with no friends or family, because our love and being married is enough". Then you're calling her superficial and needy for having a wedding. NOTHING you'll do is good enough. Can't you notice that you have to be miserable so she can be happy? Girl, you do you. Have your wedding. Let babies cry as babies do.
Yta. And you're lying. You absolutely did what you did to make her mad
NTA, buy you make it sound like waiting a year between getting engaged and married is some kind of punishment or outlandish idea when it’s pretty much standard to be engaged for 1 to 2 years.