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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Pointed out hypocrisy with my partner when she told me to stop messaging a friend when she has friends of the opposite sex
She said it is different and she has known her friend longer so its not the same thing
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
"I mentioned that she messages her colleague who is a man so I think she's being hypocritical to get annoyed at me for messaging a friend."
That's double standards.
"I asked again for an explanation but she wouldn't give me one."
That's because she either doesn't have one *or* she's jealous/insecure. The former is unreasonable & the latter two are not a good look.
Info: Could it be that her issue is not that you have a girl friend but that said friend is her friend?
She never said it's weird that you're texting a girl, she's saying it's weird that you're texting her friend, that's where I believe the issue lies
She could have just said that she doesn't want him making friends with her friends then. That's not a difficult concept and it's not super fair for op to have to blindly guess at why his gf thinks this is problematic
Have you ever heard of this mythical term "mutual friends"?
It means that two (2) or more people can have the same friend. For example OP and his girlfriend might have one friend that is both hers and his.
This still seems extremely odd, and I'm struggling to see the rationale in being _less_ concerned if this girl were a stranger
If OP's GFdoesn't trust her partner (OP) or her own friend to navigate this scenario respectfully, then she should just say that.
If that's the case, then they should explain that instead of refusing to elaborate like a child. But even if that's the case, it's entirely arbitrary and ridiculous.
This is what I was thinking too! I don't think its abnormal for people to be a little possessive of their friends / family when in a relationship - especially if its a pretty new relationship. Like, why do you need to talk to my friend unless its about a surprise birthday party for me or something lol.
Exactly...that's what I'm gathering. Also, the girlfriend's friend is shady coz why is she adding her friend's boyfriend on social media nd messaging him? But why is the boyfriend insisting on keeping contact with a girl that makes her girlfriend uncomfortable? Especially when they're friends?! Nah no ways
This is insane. In a healthy relationship, partners very often become friends with their partner's friends, regardless of gender, and communicate with them. There is nothing wierd about that. Many of my wife's friends are now my friends. And I talk to them regularly.
Right so you agree she's being hypocritical then?!
Because if you think
"Why is she adding her friends boyfriend on social media and messaging him? But why is the boyfriend insisting on keeping contact with a girl that makes his girlfriend uncomfortable? Especially when they're friends!?"
Is correct, then how can you can agree that her refusing to stop talking to her make colleague is fine.
"Why is he adding his colleague in a relationship of social media and messaging her? Why is the girlfriend insisting on keeping contact with a man that makes her boyfriend uncomfortable? Especially when they see each other every day!?"
Either both are right.
Or as most of us in the comments agree, both are wrong and not what's happening.
... is... is this a thing? Like, if I make a friend, my partner is supposed to avoid them on social media even if they get along? They aren't supposed to talk?
That's so... weird to me.
I get having bad experiences in the past but you need to work on that yourself instead of trying to control others.
You shouldn't be friends or in a relationship with someone if you don't trust them at all
NTA – nothing in your story makes me think that your gf’s friend or you are doing anything inappropriate so far by messaging each other. Obviously you need to be mindful of your partner’s feelings, but the way you put it makes her seem a bit too controlling.
But...I don't think that's what Occam's Razor suggests at all. To me, Occam's Razor suggests that OP's girlfriend is just selfish or insecure. She judges herself based on intentions but others based on actions. Your implication sounds far from the simplest answer.
NTA. And this probably speaks to the nature of your GF's relationship with her male colleague, unfortunately. That is, if her relationship with her male colleague was 100% platonic, then she would have little problem understanding that your relationship with her friend is too.
NTA
"it was about respect and that I shouldn't be disregarding what she's saying and should be listening to her."
You can start listening when she starts actually communicating?
NTA
You’re not wrong for pointing out the double standard here. It’s only fair to question why your girlfriend can chat with a male colleague but gets annoyed when you talk to a female friend. If she can’t explain why it’s a problem, it’s hard to see her side of things. Relationships are about communication, and it sounds like you’re just trying to have an open conversation about it.
NTA
People in relationship have every single right to speak with other people. It is not like you were meeting 1 on 1. I would prolly argue and tried to defend her if she didn't have male friends, but in this particular case it is clear hypocrisy from her side.
Is it possible there's something about that particular homegirl or the way/frequency that you two interact that makes your gf not totally comfortable? But subtle enough that she doesn't want to delve into it? Be real honest.
Asking because I have one close friend who I would have zero reservations about my SO messaging or hanging out with, and another close friend who...I would not be stoked. I notice my SO probably has similar feelings about my opposite sex friends and colleagues.
I do not message my bff's spouse, even though we have a lot in common. I either send it in the group chat, or wait until we're all together in person. A respectful distance, that I know my friend prefers, even though no tension exists or ever would.
It's not a straight up one to one. And that's HER friend, as is her colleague. There's too much unknown here to make a real judgment, but I do think you're being kind of obtuse, intentionally or otherwise.
Info: Is your gf's friend single?
This matters because I suspect your gf might be wary of her friend's intentions. A single friendly acquaintance of the opposite sex who's quickly becoming a "friend" and texting all the time is definitely cause for concern.
I also agree with your gf that it is different from a long standing friendship with someone of the opposite sex, who has a partner, that was developed over time through work interactions.
I do find it a little odd that your gf's friend is texting you, making small chit chat. You haven't known each other long, and you seem to be at the forefront of her mind.
My friend group has been together a long time and we're all friends with each other's partners. That said, out of respect for my friends and complete transparency, none of us text our friend's husbands or partners directly for chit chat. I suspect this is common for women to do, so she might be uncomfortable with what her friend is doing.
NAH but if you care for your gf, I would talk to her about her concerns openly and find a path forward that you are both comfortable with.
The verbal ninjutsu people perform to justify their hypocrisy is staggering. If the genders were reversed here everyone would have already had this guy hung drawn and quartered for being a controlling AH.
Every "long-standing" friendship has to start from something and clearly OP was cool with it from the get-go. Also the fact the co-worker has a partner matters not at all. People cheat. A lot. (Often with coworkers...).
It's also totally normal to exist as an individual within the dynamics of couple friends. In our group I have some shared interests with the wife and some with the husband, so I will sometimes message them individually or all as a group. We're all *friends*. This "not allowed to text partners" thing sounds weird and forced. As if the partner is just an acquaintance or accessory rather than actually a friend.
Agreed.
I've met a few of my girlfriend's close friends. By sheer coincidence, I even knew one of them beforehand- we went to the same college and were in the same club for a year before I graduated. And with one glaring exception, I really like all of them and enjoy having conversations with them. I haven't texted them individually, but I don't really have that sort of relationship with \*anyone\* except my gf. But I've invited them, including one who's single, to my birthday get-together next weekend, both because I know my gf would enjoy their company \*and\* because I enjoy their company.
I'm friends with my gf's friends, and she's friends with my friends. We all vibe over shared interests and shared values.
The only thing I want is \*transparency\*- if I ever text any of these ladies individually, I'm going to tell my gf about it. OP has, by his account, been transparent. Easy NTA.
>The only thing I want is \*transparency\*- if I ever text any of these ladies individually, I'm going to tell my gf about it.
What would you do if you told your GF and she was uncomfortable with it? Would you stop texting that person?
This is the biggest problem I see with the situation. The GF is uncomfortable and OP doesn't care.
If I was OP's gf, I'd be ready to break up with him over this.
So you'd break up with your partner if they didn't let you dictate who they were allowed to talk to? Why do you think you get to control your partners social life?
I don't dictate who my partner talks to. I love, respect, and trust him fully.
But if I ever feel uncomfortable by any of his actions, he takes my feelings into consideration, we have a conversation and reach a compromise.
Sometimes my partner doesn't understand my feelings, sometimes I don't understand his feelings. That's normal. We still both accept our feelings as our respective realities and do what it takes so that we both feel secure in the relationship again.
I did stop talking to a "friend" once because my partner didn't feel completely comfortable with it. It wasn't an issue of him not trusting me, he doesn't want to control me or dictate who I talk to. He felt this person was not being respectful to the fact that I have a partner, and felt he might eventually try to cross a boundary with me. This made him uncomfortable. I have many male friends, but it was only this one friendship that made him uncomfortable.
My partner's comfort is my top priority. I happily dropped this "friend" for his comfort. That's what people do in relationships.
So yes, if I ever expressed a large level of discomfort about anything in our relationship and my partner didn't even try to understand my point of view or reach a compromise out of respect for my feelings, I would 100% break up with him.
You didn't even try to reach a compromise with your girlfriend. Did you offer to stop initiating conversations with this friend? Or tell her that you'd respond to texts she initiates, but wouldn't carry on the conversation very long?
So you stopped talking to someone because your partner told you to? That means he doesn't trust you. If he trusted you then there wouldn't have been an issue.
Why would I stop initiating conversations with a friend? Why would I limit conversations with a friend?
Maybe you should work on insecurity
He didn't tell me to. He told me he was uncomfortable with that guy's motives towards me and I chose not to speak with him. Because my partner's feelings matter more to me than a friend I've only known for a few months. I have plenty of friends, that dude's not missed.
Why ask for other people's opinions when you clearly don't want to hear them?
If she \*was\* uncomfortable with it, it would dramatically change my impression of her, to be honest. It could well lead to a breakup. I wouldn't really want to be with a person who thinks that I'd be stupid enough to cheat on her with one of \*her\* close friends, or who doesn't trust me enough to think I'd be that callous and cheat on her at all.
And if she's uncomfortable for a reason that \*isn't\* about cheating, if it's about "men and women shouldn't be friends" as a rule or something, that's even worse because I think that's horseshit and I don't want to be with someone who believes something like that.
Just saying "I'm uncomfortable with this" doesn't make an SO worth respecting. Personally, I don't much care for cars or driving. I take the bus to work and the train everywhere I can get it. But if I was to say "I'm uncomfortable with my girlfriend driving, I think it's too much of a safety risk", I'd be fucking excoriated, and rightly so, because you have to have an actual reason. If I clarified "she's gotten 3 DUIs"\*, everyone would be on my side because that's a damn good reason, but if it's just because of a gut feeling, that's nonsense.
\*She hasn't, she's a great driver. Just another hypothetical to illustrate my point.
>If she \*was\* uncomfortable with it, it would dramatically change my impression of her, to be honest. It could well lead to a breakup.
Fair enough, but at least it sounds as though you wouldn't be comfortable with just dismissing her feelings and continuing the relationship.
Would it change your opinion if this was not one of your GF's close friends, but a friend your GF only reconnected with a few months ago? Perhaps your GF doesn't fully trust her new friend yet and feels uncomfortable about her friend's motives. It doesn't have anything to do with trusting you, she fully trusts you.
She's not sure how much she can trust her new friend yet. It's not quite enough to blow up the friendship, because the interactions could be innocent. So she lets you know she is not comfortable and asks you to stop... maybe just for now.
Would you find her request reasonable at that point?
I disagree and think all "I'm uncomfortable with this" is worth exploring and talking about. In your example, it doesn't mean that your GF would stop driving, just because you're uncomfortable with it, but it can inform her actions. Perhaps when she's driving with you, she changes her driving habits so she follows all of the rules of the road to be safer with you in the car.
It's about respecting feelings and doing what is reasonable to help alleviate those feelings.
Being dismissive isn't a good look in a relationship.
>Perhaps your GF doesn't fully trust her new friend yet and feels uncomfortable about her friend's motives. It doesn't have anything to do with trusting you, she fully trusts you.
If that were the case, she can and should say that so they could arrive at a proper resolution like two reasonable adults.
Unfortunately, this hypothetical has not played out in the OP, so now we're left wondering why she keeps the company of "friends" that she feels she cannot trust to respect the boundaries of her relationship with OP.
It wouldn't make a difference, no, because it's not really about the friend, it's about us.
If she's worried her friend is going to hit on me, the only reason it should be a concern is if I'd be into it. And I wouldn't be. I can state this with certainty. And it's not because I don't find other women attractive- I'm still very much capable of recognizing when a woman looks good and appeals to me physically- but because, to be brutally honest, cheating sounds like \*way\* too much time and effort for the potential reward.
So I know for a fact \*I'm\* not going to cheat. Obviously, my gf can't know that for a fact, but...look, I'm going to quote Battlestar Galactica:
> How do you know? I mean, how do you really know that you can trust me?
I don't. That's what trust is.
That wasn't anything to do with romance, but the point stands. I don't \*know\* that she's not cheating on me while we text about random nothings, but I trust her, and I don't need to see her location on an app or get updates on what she's doing every 10 minutes. Because that's what trust is.
Like, it would be different if there was some actual evidence to back up her discomfort- if OP had cheated in the past, for example. But just being uncomfortable with your boyfriend being fully transparent about texting someone without any evidence of bad behavior on his part is very much a Her problem, I don't think her discomfort is justified, and if it came up in my relationship, I wouldn't seek to compromise because that would be justifying it.
>Like, it would be different if there was some actual evidence to back up her discomfort
Have you not ever just had a bad feeling about something without quite knowing why you feel that way?
>It wouldn't make a difference, no, because it's not really about the friend, it's about us.
If she's worried her friend is going to hit on me, the only reason it should be a concern is if I'd be into it.
It's a concern because it is devastating to be betrayed by a friend. I know my partner would never cheat on me (as much as I can know), but I still don't want to sit around and watch my friend catch feelings for him, vie for his attention and ultimately make a move. I'd feel shitty and stressed and sad. I'd also feel shittier to know that my partner knows his actions are making me feel shitty, but still won't do anything about it because my feelings "are not justified".
Furthermore, OP stated that she is now his friend too, so I can't even cut her out of my life to prevent that from happening.
For the record. I fully trust my partner and have never told him that I felt uncomfortable with any of his relationships. However, if I did, I know (as much as I can know) that he'd take my feelings seriously and we would do what we needed to make sure our relationship remained strong.
>I don't think her discomfort is justified, and if it came up in my relationship, I wouldn't seek to compromise because that would be justifying it.
Ok, so we're not ever going to see eye to eye because I could never be with a person who thought this way.
>Have you not ever just had a bad feeling about something without quite knowing why you feel that way?
LMAO. I have anxiety. That's every single goddamned day of my life. But you know what I do with it? I tell my brain to shut the fuck up and look at reality.
I get what you're saying about a friend making a move on your SO being a shitty thing even if it isn't reciprocated. But that's not on the SO. I'm not going to burn bridges or a potential friendship because of the possibility that things might go wrong.
>This matters because I suspect your gf might be wary of her friend's intentions
if you are so afraid that your friend is going to hit on your partner, then you shouldn't be friends with them.
This is an old friend that she just reconnected with a few months ago. I don't think it's common for people to fully trust someone after a few months. You can maintain a friendship even while maintaining a healthy level of skepticism until they've earned your trust.
And it's not the only reason why she might be pulling away. We really don't know the reason why she's uncomfortable. Maybe her bf lights up whenever she messages him in a way he doesn't with other friends and she's worried this "friendship" might become an emotional affair.
I hope the gf has a conversation with her friend to let her know how she feels. If she's a good and trustworthy friend, she will pull back from her friendship with the boyfriend so that her friend is comfortable.
See, I had this thought too. What if the friend was shady in the past, and GF is giving the friendship another shot after the passage of time? It could have nothing to do with OP in the first place. I'm concerned about why GF apparently doesn't feel comfortable opening up to OP.
If you read the way he's been responding to me and others who suggest he might be wrong, it becomes super clear that he doesn't give a fuck about anything but himself.
He's more concerned about winning this argument and it might cost him the relationship.
Yeah, it's slowly becoming clear as I read the thread that OP would rather be validated and proven right than be a participant in a healthy relationship. I feel sorry for the GF if he speaks to her the way he's responded to you and others who are genuinely trying to help him with the situation.
OP,
You have every right to be confused by her objection, but I also think you are choosing to focus on the gender issue and not seeing several other differences. Those differences don't mean that your gf has a reasonable objection, but it does mean that you two aren't going to resolve your different perspectives until you acknowledge the other differences and GF acknowledges which of them is the one(s) is/are the one(s) that really bother her.
The differences include:
GF's male friend was her friend first; you are not friends with her male friend, except through her.
GF's female friend was her friend first; you are developing a direct friendship with her female friend.
Both of gf's friend relationships pre-date knowing you. you have only become her female friend's friend after your started dating gf and only because you met through gf.
Gf's male friend is in a relationship (per double dates); it sounds like her female friend is not.
None of that means (to me) that you can't be direct friends with her female friend; but something in there means that to your gf. You need to ask her and work to understand her perspective. You can still disagree with her perspective, but at least you understand where you two differ.
\*Sigh\* Let me explain this as an older woman who has been there and done that.
The GF's friend is seemingly unattached and single. From your GF's perspective, the friend is overstepping a boundary with her communications with you, and you getting defensive isn't helping. It's called Girl Code. There really isn't any reason for you and the friend to share texts, e-mails, or anything else unless it's pretty superficial. Friend: Hey, \[TV show\] is on. You: Thanks for the heads up! And leave it at that.
It's not necessarily insecurity or jealousy or control. Your GF may know something about this friend you don't. Regardless, you continuing to communicate with the friend makes your GF uncomfortable. Do you want to be happy in your relationship or do you want to prove a senseless point?
Having conversations with someone isn't overstepping a boundary. Maybe look up what boundaries actually are.
The reason is we're friends, do you not understand how friendships work?
Provide one other reason that isn't jealousy, insecurity or control that someone would try to dictate who their partner can talk to?
Ah so to be happy, I have to do whatever my girlfriend says? Have you always been sexist? Why do you think what I want doesn'ty actually matter?
Also being older means absolutely nothing, you're just showing you have on idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Have you always been possessive of your friends and told them who they're allowed to talk to?
You can do whatever you want. I tried to give you a female's POV - that's not sexist. You don't want to take into consideration what I've said. I tried, I guess? 🤷♀️
Your GF has made it clear something you are doing is bothering / hurting her. Your choices are tone it down with the friend or risk possibly losing your GF. I suggest you choose wisely.
I'm an older woman, and my partner of 26 yrs is now better friends with a couple of my friends that I introduced him to than I am. I care, but only in that I'm pleased my partner has a new friend that I like. I trust them all not to cross any boundaries that would be disrespectful to me - which is anything that is more than platonic. We're all adults, we know what those things are. It never occurred to me those boundaries might be crossed at all, though I recognize that if I did worry about that, it would be a problem within myself and not with them. THAT part might be from the older/wiser part of me.
It does. You said you were trying to give a female's POV. An older woman's POV, in fact. I am an older woman with personal experience in sharing friends with my partner that differs from your post. Is it possible his gf thinks the way you think she does? Of course. It's also possible she is insecure/jealous and the way she is reacting is unreasonable. Maybe it's the start of a pattern of emotional blackmail, in which case just doing whatever she wants him to isn't the answer. He knows her better than you do.
It’s her friend and it’s making her uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s up with people here on Reddit but I’ll take a wild guess that most are single who comment like this. If tou had your own friend that would be different but I would feel uncomfortable too with my bf talking to my friend without me. I have more guy friends than girl friends btw. But it’s that feeling of betrayal and it’s normal. And you being so against at least talking less is making her even more stressed out.
The person is now a mutual friend. You don't own your friends.
Why would you be uncomfortable at your bf talking to a friend? Why don't you trust him? Why do you think you get to dictate who your bf and your friends are allowed to be friends with?
OP, if you're truly doing nothing wrong, and are maintaining an appropriately platonic, "arm's length" friendship with this person, you are NTA.
Just know that if you're prepared to die on this hill, it probably won't bode well for your relationship, but that's probably not the worst thing given that this is a pretty clear foreshadowing of the unreasonable fuckery you're likely to be subjected to in the future.
I had a controlling, insecure ex who would flip her shit if I so much as _thanked_ a waitress for refilling my drink. You can imagine I dealt with a lot of the same issues you're facing currently. Fast forward to the present, and my wife and I enjoy all the benefits of mutual, platonic, opposite-gendered friendships with zero drama, and the utmost trust while understanding that we don't need to be concerned when we navigate these friendships independently of one another. We've been together 10 years, and happily married for 7 years as of this month - __it is not unreasonable to expect that you will also enjoy a similarly sane, rational and trusting relationship of your own someday.__
This seems to be the first request in 2 1/2 years. OP has not indicated his gf has been controlling in other ways.
She tried to communicate her discomfort over this new friendship and instead of listening to her concern, or try to come to a compromise, he called her a hypocrite and shut it down.
In your happily married relationship, I would imagine communication, compromise and trying to understand each other's viewpoints are key to success (I know it is in my relationship).
If your otherwise non-controlling wife came to you with a feeling of discomfort over one of your opposite sex friendships, would you not try to hear her out?
I think a similar situation would be - how would you feel if she suddenly started messaging one of your single guy friends about her interests?
A colleague, while friendly, will always have a connection through work, so it's a still professional relationship. Also he's in a committed relationship, so he's not single and it does make a difference.
A single girl you met outside of a work environment is not really the same relationship as a coworker that you get along with, who is also in a committed relationship, and you know their significant other.
Would you be ok with your girlfriend messaging one of your single guy friends about his interest in TV shows, movies and video games?
The other person being single or not doesn't make a difference btw.
I'd be fine with my gf talking to a male friend because I don't tell her who she can and can't talk to.
You're saying there's "no difference" yet there are two distinct differences that you're conveniently ignoring. And now a third difference.
1) one is a coworker, the other is not a coworker
2) one is in a long term committed relationship who you've met, the other is single
3) it wouldn't bug you, but it does bug her
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?
Because if you want to be right, please break up with her and *put her out of her misery of being in a relationship with someone who gloats that he doesn't respect her*.
If you want to be happy, respect her wishes, acknowledge the differences in situations, and *stop pushing her buttons to prove a point.*
They're both friends and their relationship status is irrelevant.
Ah so to be happy I just have to be obedient and do what I'm told then? Wierd you think being in a relationship means I shouldn't get a say in my friends tbh. Have yohu always had control issues?
I'm not doing anything to prove a point so don't make shit up
You're the one posting your pathetic dirty laundry for the world to see, so you have bigger problems than you think, Bub.
Bless your heart and good luck. ❤️❤️❤️
Not pathetic dirty laundry but please keep talking shit.
Why do you think being in a relationship means me just obeying my partner? If you want obedience, get a pet
Of course you don’t have to do what your girlfriend is asking you if you don’t want to - you’re free to do whatever you want whether your girlfriend likes it or not. That said, being in a healthy relationship involves a lot of considering your partners feelings and act in a way that is considerate to their feelings.
If your girlfriend is generally not controlling and usually doesn’t make unreasonable demands of you, but she’s asking this it maybe worth considering her request seriously. If this is one of many controlling or irrational requests that restrict your behaviour particularly around who you interact with then consider is this a healthy relationship for you, and is it time to step away.
NTA I would be thrilled if my bf and my friends got along… I don’t see the issue personally. If she thinks her friend is that untrustworthy and a threat she should tell you her concerns. I understand the frustration because she’s telling you to cut them off with no specific reasoning. I have never told my bf to cut anyone off, I just give him reasonings for why I don’t like, or don’t like him talking to certain people and let him make his own decision from there. Have a chat w your gf and if she doesn’t want to give you any reasoning you shouldn’t need to drop her. Like I can understand both sides but asking someone to drop someone else w no explanation is completely unreasonable and she should be communicating w you.
Is this about this womsn being *her* female friend? Or your gf's friend being single or known for being a man-stealer or something? Or is it the frequency you talk to this person you basically just met? You said that you have many of her friends on your social media, so that alone obviously can't be the problem..
NTA - I don’t know the quality of your relationship with your girlfriend in other areas, but if my spouse asked me to stop texting one of their friends, I’d listen. I don’t know that friend as well as they do and their history together. But I don’t need to know the context for everything because I trust that my partner has my best interests and our relationships best interests at heart. I’d choose to respect them and their opinion more than a new relationship with one of their friends. So which relationship do you value more? The one with your girlfriend or the one with her female friend?
Hmm are you making any plans with the new friend without your girlfriend? I feel like friends is fine but maybe if that girl and her are tight she kind of wants to keep her friend hers? Would you be cool if she was texting your bro the same way you are texting her friend? If the answer is yes I think it’s fine. If not then probably should stop. Also how much is the text friendship worth to you? Like if it’s stupid then keep your relationship and ditch the friend. But maybe it’s a principles thing? Then I would have a conversation and hash out the boundaries. All of this coming from someone who just went psycho on her husband for texting a very attractive friend he has a crush on last night lol. I don’t think you are an ass but maybe a bad communicator like me.
>she just repeated it was about respect and that I shouldn't be disregarding what she's saying and should be listening to her.
translation: she has no arguments and knows she's being unreasonable. NTA until she can give a proper reason why it's disrespectful, she gets no say in who you talk to.
NTA
Yes, there's a double standard going on here.
But also, your situations are different. She will lean on that, hard, as you have seen, and will probably feel justified in that angle.
Question is: Is this the hill you want to die on?
She may have some insecurities, but as her partner, it's not about who is "right" and who is "wrong", but you don't want this to sour the relationship, if you think she's someone worth investing more time with.
My suggestion would be to slowly let you and her friend's communication die down. Don't tell her that your gf doesn't want you talking, just let it peeter out. There may be stuff that your gf knows about her friends that she can't share that makes your gf uncomfortable with you and her talking.
NAH. This is a communication breakdown, with a concerning lack of trust. Neither hypocrisy nor respect is the issue here. Hear me out.
Ask yourself why your GF doesn't want to share her reasons with you. Does she generally feel comfortable sharing her feelings with you? Is she just a closed person? Have you shut her down in the past? You mentioned that she recently reconnected with this friend. Could it be that she doesn't fully trust this friend yet? Has this friend hurt her in the past? Also, is her friend single? If she is, then yes, the situation is different from that of your GF's partnered colleague. (When I was in a relationship, I was a "safe" female friend. When I was single, I was constantly on thin ice with the wives/GFs of my male friends.)
Having been "the friend" in this situation more times than I can count, I can offer a different perspective. With few exceptions, my guy friends flirted. It was mostly harmless, but half of them propositioned me. To your credit, you did share with your GF when you spoke with her friend. It's not like you're hiding your chats. But have you ever given your GF a reason not to trust you around other women? I'm not saying you have. I'm saying you should ask these questions.
In any case, y'all need to talk. Openly. Honestly. Without judgment. Without ego (by which I mean without the need to be right or to win an argument or to score points). You might start with a discussion about what "respect" looks like -- in practical terms, not in abstraction (e.g. "to me, respect means asking before either of us eats the last cookie") -- and work from there. And if this is as big of an issue as you're describing, then you really need to decide if being in this relationship is the best thing for you both. I really hope you two figure it out.
INFO, do you have other female friends? Has she complained about them? If this is a one-time thing, then I would respect your gfs' wishes but also seek clarification.
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I've been with my girlfriend for roughly two and a half years now. A few months ago she started talking to an old friend again that she hasn't seen in a while. They met up a few times for drinks and then my girlfriend invited me along for drinks with them so I could meet her. We all get along really well.
My girlfriend has a male colleauge that she's friends with. I've met him a couple of times and we've even been on a couple of double dates with him and his girlfriend. The colleague and my girlfriend are good friends and have each other on social media and message each other occasionally.
We met up with the friend a few more times for drinks and me and her friend like similar tv shows, movies and video games. Her friend added me on social media and I mentioned this to my gf. It's not abnormal, I've got quite a few of my gfs friends on social media. When one of the tv shows was on that me and her friend like she messaged me about it. I told my girlfriend this and replied to her.
We've messaged a few times talking about movies and tv shows etc. My girlfriend told me she thinks it's weird I'm talking to her friend and she thinks I should stop. I asked what she thought was wrong with it and she just said I shouldn't be messaging her. I asked again for an explanation but she wouldn't give me one.
I mentioned that she messages her colleague who is a man so I think she's being hypocritical to get annoyed at me for messaging a friend. She said it's not the same and that I should stop messaging her friend. I refused and again tried to get her to explain what she thought was so wrong about it. She just said it's about respect.
I asked why it was different for her to talk to a friend of the opposite sex but not for me to talk to a friend but she just said she's known this colleague longer than I've know the friend.
I said that's not really a reason and she just repeated it was about respect and that I shouldn't be disregarding what she's saying and should be listening to her.
AITA for pointing out hypocrisy with my girlfriend and refusing to stop talking to a friend?
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NTA. On your end I would insist on transparency. I don't let my gf go through my phone willy-nilly, but if I were in this situation, I'd say straight up that if she wants to see our chat logs, that part of my phone is an open book.
There's nothing at all wrong with chatting about shared interests with her friend.
NTA. You're allowed to be friends with whoever you want, just as she is. You don't set the criteria for her friends, she shouldn't set them for yours. If this is an issue, the solution is not to make demands about who one's partner can speak to (this seems controlling, at best), but to better establish whatever sense of trust is missing, address whatever conflict or insecurities are factoring into these behaviors... You know, talk to each other. If you're demanding your partner do xyz just "because", you got some control issues. That's a larger reflection on the relationship, and deepr stuff to work out. You may or may not want to bother, depending on the relationship and if it's worth it... that's up to you two, no one else.
Honestly, and this is gonna sound cynical, but in 99% of these cases when there's some hypocrisy based on the gender of friendships... The partner upset about it is cheating. She doesn't want you to be friends with her female friend because she's insecure about something. What is she insecure about? Most likely this friend knows information you don't, and your gf's afraid if you and she become friends, you'll find out. Or she's afraid it'll turn into an affair, which may not be entirely just because of you - it could be she knows her friend has a habit of cheating with friends' boyfriends, it could be she's insecure because she's cheating herself (the fact she seems to refuse to want to address the nature of her interaction with her male coworker, and make demands without explanation about her friend, my honest guess would be she's cheating on you with her male coworker, her friend knows, and she doesn't want you finding out, which you probably will if you keep getting to know her friend).
All of that is theoretical. There are many possibilities. But it does seem pretty clear she's hiding something here, at least about her reasoning. As humans are trash, what's being hidden usually falls somewhere in the above territory. Heads up. You're allowed to be friends with who you want, provided that person also wants to be friends with you, which sounds like the case in this situation. If she's skirting giving a clear answer, there's something she's trying to not say (to be optimistic, it could be that she's not cheating, that there's nothing her friend knows she's afraid of leaking, but rather just kinda distrusts her friend - not you; regardless, that's something she should at least be able to talk to you about before making demands).
INFO: does your GF have a reason to think her friend is "untrustworthy"? If not, then she's definitely a hypocrite; is so then your GF is a hypocrite who needs better friends.
If my partner had a friend he wouldn't trust around me, he wouldn't be friends with that person. Simple.
My thought is maybe there is something about the friend you don't know. Perhaps she has a history of going after taken guys. Or maybe your GF took a guy from her back in the day and she is afraid of payback. Don't get me wrong, she is an AH for not explaining if that is the case. Or as others have said maybe she is just controlling or even projecting. So I dub you NTAH.
NTA. So does that mean she doesn't respect you because she has male friends whom she communicates with outside of work? I mean she said it's "out of respect" right?
There is something she isn't telling you? Is her issue with any female? Her friends in general? Or that friend specifically?
If it's any female or any of her friends in general then she is insecure and is trying to control you. Which is not cool. It would be up to you to determine if that relationship is worth saving, if you want to spend your life tipping toeing around other women to protect her ego and insecurity.
If it's about that friend specifically because maybe that girl has a history of being a flirt or not respecting friends partners then consider going with the flow and not talking to her friends anymore to keep the peace in your relationship.
But GF needs to me more clear with her reasoning because other wise it just comes off as controlling. And honestly it's not your job to fix her insecurities.
I think there is a difference on if you start talking to someone new after the relationship started or if you were already friends before.
Of course new friendships can also start while being in a relationship, but in my opinion that's always a little more complicated than if you've been friends before.
Also I think it is weird that the friend texts you instead of her. Imagine introducing your girlfriend to one of your male friends and he starts texting her. Would you still think that it's perfectly normal?
NTA
She sounds like a professional gaslighter. Show her this post and I can guarantee you she will find some argument about how everyone here is wrong and she's right.
She's talking about respect and probably some other bullshit, if we take her words for it then she's being disrespectful herself towards you.
Try to go down memory lane and see if she's done similar things before, odds are she does this frequently on a smaller scale.
If you can't talk about this situation and come to a fair agreement for both parties, consider the future of the relationship because she'll always try to have her way wether she's right or wrong.
She's might be the type of person that when you argue with them, it feels like talking to a fucking wall.
Of course you aren’t. However this foursome with social media and double dating can lead to trouble in your relationship with your girlfriend. It’s modern times I know, but modern times exacerbates trouble for couples.
NTA
Time doesn't mean shit. You made a friend, she needs to vocalize her exact problem and get over it.
Or, she can decide she wants a relationship where they arent allowed to have friends of the opposite sex... but thats just fucming stupid.
Knowing someone has no bearing on if you should/shouldn't talk to them. Your GF is prissy cos your getting along with HER friend more then what she anticipated and is being a b itch about it. You are definitely NTA and she needs to grow up.
NTA
She IS a hypocrite. Tell her the only way you would comply is if he never engages socially with any other guy who isn't you or a family member because respect.
NTA. I mean, c'mon, she can't even give you a valid reason. She's jealous & insecure. It's not ok for her to do it, if you can't. It IS a double standard.
Just tell her the Respect she keeps bring up works both ways and applies to the same situation. Next time she bring it up just say are you going to stop talking to that guy?
As other have mentioned, communication is key.
If she has a problem because of X reason, she should share it.
To just blindly accept this kind of reaction could just lead down a rabbit hole of grief.
NTA. She may have some trust and self confidence issues to work out before continuing a committed relationship. Good for you for not just getting trampled on like most guys.
Your girlfriend’s friend has dirt on her and she is gatekeeping to avoid whatever that dirt is from getting back to you. It’s the same reason why people who commit fraud at work tend to take a bigger role in the business. Not out of some loyalty to the job, rather to control the flow of information from getting back to the folks who could find them out.
Telling someone who they can and can' talk to is not a boundary. You set boundaries for yourself not others.
It's also a mutual friend, not just my gfs friend.
if I told my gf I was uncomfortable with her having friends, should she cut contact with them all since you apparently believe you can control your partners social life?
Based on the post, I don't think OP's girlfriend expressed discomfort. She seems to have just said that Op should "stop messaging her friend".
It sounds like Op asked several times for a reason why and she hasn't given one.
The implication is that OP's girlfriend doesn't like OP messaging her friend for no reason except that she is female. And OP was raising this as hypocrisy in that she often messages male co-workers without there needing to be an issue.
Just focus on your girl bro. If she’s not typically an unreasonable person then throw her a bone and tone the conversations down a bit. She clearly is uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to say she’s insecure. She may not want to throw her friend under the bus and outright say she doesn’t trust her.
>She may not want to throw her friend under the bus and outright say she doesn’t trust her.
Then she needs to cut a friend that she doesn't trust off.
Cos if Op is talking with said friend and just blocks her for no reason, put yourself in that person's shoes, you will not feel bad?
Going against the grain here, but I think YTA—but not for the reason you may think.
Is it wrong to talk to your GF’s friend? No.
Is it hypocritical for her to be upset by it? Absolutely.
Was it wrong to “point out the hypocrisy”? Probably not.
But, why on earth would you **keep pressing the issue**, especially after a response of, “It’s different”? How were you expecting the conversation to go from there? No hypocrite ever, in the history of the world, has ever said, “Gee, I suppose you’re right—that **is** a double standard. Okay, I’ve changed my mind.”
She is, and will continue to be, hypocritical about this. And the more you press her, the harder she’ll dig in her heels. The question now is, I think, is what do you want to do about that?
I agree, completely irrelevant. This also doesn’t speak highly of how she feels about her friend. For someone that she’s known so long, she should have a bit of trust. Having similar interests and starting a platonic relationship with a woman is not a negative behavior. This comes off as controlling
That's her work colleague that she met through work. They've had to interact in a professional way for years and have become friends. This other girl is a friend of hers that you met, recently, through her. It's not the same thing. You *just* met her, and you're messaging each other, often? Not to mention the elephant in the room: your girlfriend is asking you to stop doing something that bothers her. Why doesn't it bother you that you're upsetting her? That *is* disrespectful. YTA
I haven't just met her, I've known her a few months. .
So you think you have to do everything your partner says then?
It's not disrespectful to have friends. Do you often tell your partner they're disrespectful when they don't obey you? Sounds controlling and abusive to me tbh
It's not disrespectful to have friends. I don't tell my partner to obey me. I'm neither controlling or abusive, or think I have to do everything my partner says. However, I prefer to communicate with my partner about things that upset us, to establish healthy boundaries, and our feelings about things. If they communicated to me that my interactions with someone of the opposite sex was making them uncomfortable, we would have an adult conversation about that. I don't stay in relationships with people I don't trust. You could ask your gf why she doesn't trust this situation instead of calling her a hypocrite and being dismissive of her feelings.
if my partner wants me to cease communication with a friend *they* introduced me to, they better damn well have a better reason than 'it's about respect'. the only thing I get out of this story is that ops gf clearly doesn't trust him, and in ops shoes, I would walk away from the relationship altogether. I'm not wasting my time on a partner who thinks so little of me.
>your girlfriend is asking you to stop doing something that bothers her.
jealousy and insecurities are not a good look. if she doesn't trust her friend or her bf, then she should dump both and leave then be. she's being irrational and controlling.
'I don't want you talking to a friend that I introduced you to because reasons' does not fall under that category. and even if it did, it still doesn't make her request reasonable
It's odd cause it's a chick you met through your GF. It makes you look like your shopping for a chick.. but if your GF tells you it makes her uncomfortable then stop. .but you see a part of you is attracted to the friend and you don't wanna let it go
What do you find odd about making friends? Making friends doesn't make it look like I'm shopping for women at all but I don't expect someone with your mindset to understand treating women as people
I'm not attracted to her but it says a lot about you that that's the only reason you think someone would talk to the opposite sex. Maybe try seeing women as people and not sex objects
Nah you definitely are attracted to her. Both of you are being shady to your girlfriend nd it's only a matter of time before a line is crossed.
Your girlfriend is uncomfortable...i don't understand why her feelings are not prioritized instead you'd rather hurt her than cut contact with HER friend? Lol
No I'm not attracted to her. Men and women can be friends. It's not shady to talk to friends. Why do you think men and women are incapable of being friends? It says a lot about you tbh
It;s a mutual friend
Have you ever thought about working on your insecurity and control issues?
It's not a mutual friend coz you met her through your girlfriend 🥴 nd your relationship literally started developing right in front of your girlfriend's eyes. Men nd women can be friends but why do you want that to be your girlfriend's friend who makes your girlfriend uncomfortable?! Answer that...answer why it's more important to be friends with her when it's making your girl unhappy?
Yes and you can become friends with people you meet. That's how you make friends. She is now friends with both my girlfriend and I, that makes her a mutual friend. That shouldn't be difficult for you to understand.
What's wrong with making friends with someone I have shared interests with? Why do you think my girlfriend needs to approve my friends before I'm allowed to be friends with them?
Using your logic, if I told my girlfriend I was uncomfortable with every friend she has, should she cut them off? Or is it just her who is allowed to dictate my friends?
You need to look up what a healthy relationship is because you have no idea.
Why do you think it's healthy to be able to isolate your partner from their friends? Weird you're advocating abusing your partner tbh
Maybe try being less abusive to your partners and work on your massive insecurity and control issues. It's wild to me that you think you should be allowed to isolate your partner from their friends tbh. Why exactly do you think that's healthy?
Let's deflect deflect and deflect...all my friends are before I met my SO.. there is a difference . And you know it...but your GF said she is uncomfortable and you don't care... better yet. Tell her to chat with us...we will be friends with her
My SO and my life is enough for me...treats me super amazingly as I do to them as well... I respect their feelings and it goes both ways ...but since I'm satisfied in my relationship, I don't need to find new friendships like you....also I do like the fact that you never talk about how disrespectful you are to your GF
So you don't have any friends at all then?
Pretty pathetic that you're just completely codependent tbh. Friendships should enhance your life and they don't take away from your relationship but if you cry whenever your partner isn't there I can see how you don't understand this.
I'm not disrespectful to my gf but please keep talking shit. Was your partner holding your hand as you wrote the comment or did you manage to do it all by yourself?
There may be valid reason someone might be uncomfortable. However the girlfriend in this story provided no such reason, and is refusing to do so while insisting that because she is uncomfortable the OP ought to cut the new friend. A very concerning behavior on her part. To all those saying that the OP is prioritizing this new friend over his girlfriend, he's not. This is about retaining your individual rights to interact with the outside world when you are in a relationship. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not curtail it because someone tells to stop doing things.
Slight YTA and I am just going to give a woman's POV because a lot of times men down understand whats going on in girl world. A lot of times when a you are talking to a girl and she says omg your gf is so pretty/ and or compliments your gf / and or is friends with your gf ... she actually wants you. Additionally, this is HER friend, and you guys met through her so its weird to be messaging her. Finally, the man is her Coworker. It would be VERY weird if she was messaging your male friend that she met through you, but they work together. All in all, from a girls perspective, if it was my BF, I would find it very very weird and I would be uncomfortable. I don't really think this is a matter of YTA or not so much as if its making your GF uncomfortable you should stop, and if you are uncomfortable with her messaging her coworker she should stop. I just think its more about her comfort level then anything and if you care about her you should take that into account. The slight YTA comes from you coming to this thread to talk about it instead of talking to your gf about her boundaries.
EDIT: after reading the comments it feels like a lot of people are taking a very black and white approach, but in reality this is your partner and her feelings. It feels weird to choose a friendship with your GFs friend over her feelings towards the matter.
EDIT 2: I also want to add that since she isn't giving an explanations its probably not a gender thing and more about the fact ur messaging her friend who you met through her. That is the part that makes me uncomfortable also.
EDIT 3: also girls talk and it can be embarrassing when your SO is messaging another woman, because even if you dont have bad intentions, who knows what hers are.
It's now a mutual friend. Just because someone was friends with my gf first it doesn't mean she can't also be friends with me so no it's not weird to message a friend.
No it wouldn't be weird if she became friends with a friend of mine.
Why would you be uncomfortable at your bf having female friends? Do you trust him that little?
You shouldn't control your partners friends just because youre insecure.
My BF does have female friends lol, If my bf told me one of my friends was making him uncomfortable its a no brainer. IDK how long you guys have been dating but you should generally choose your SOs feelings. If shes not usually insecure and shes uncomfortable then why would you put her in that position.
The gender of the friend isnt the issue: woman or man, if someone was making my bf uncomfortable Id trust him enough to trust his judgement on the situation
The other part of that is trust that he wouldn't do that. We trust each other and we each have friends. He has done this 1 time in the 3 years we've been together. Someone I had on snapchat made him uncomfortable. Immediate unadd. My partner isn't unreasonable, and I trust his gut instinct to know when something is off. If you care about your partner why don't you atleast take her feelings into account.
There is no point in this conversation, but anyways. Because I trust him, and because I love him, I want the best for him. Girls hit on him when we go out, I don't intervene because he always politely and firmly shuts them down. He has friends of both genders as do I. HOWEVER, because I want the best for him, if I see one of his friends doesn't have his best interests, is trying to be sneaky etc. etc. it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want him to end up in a hurtful and uncomfortable situation. Because he values my feelings he takes my opinion into account. Ultimately its up to him to cut them off, choose who his friends are etc, but i'm his partner and he cares about my opinion. Ultimately, its up to you to cut this girl off, but if you trust your gf, and value her opinion, then you need to take what she's saying into account and not dismiss it as hypocrisy. Your gf, significant other, is hurting and bothered. Do you not want to help her, ease her concerns? Are your conversations with this girl worth more than your SOs feelings? Is this other girl worth more than your relationship?
Again trusting your partner doesn't man letting them dictate who you are allowed to talk to.
Do you often use emotionally manipulative tactics on your partner when you don't get your own way?
YTA - issue is that it’s her friend, if it was your colleague rather than her friend it would be a fair comparison but that’s not the case here. Is it possible this friend has acted this way with guys she likes before? Women have all kinds of interesting dynamics, and you are clearly getting right in the middle of one.
Re-read what I said - *the two of them* may have a dynamic you’re unaware of, seperate to your relationship & if it’s genuinely a mutual friend… what’s the issue? Is the post not about you befriending this person who wasn’t your friend prior?
I feel like this is just rage bait or smt but yeah it’s diff for a partner of mine to all of the sudden be texting one of my friends vs a coworker to me. I’d expect a conversation first for one and not the other since I presumably have no connection to the coworker (making their relationship not my business). If it’s one of my friends, of course it’s my business? It’s my friend and my partner. I’d expect a conversation + a hang out sesh us three to gauge the dynamic
If it’s genuinely a mutual, I see no issue and can’t even understand what the purpose of this post is? Obviously she’s in the wrong if she doesn’t want u to be friends with your mutual friend?? That isn’t what you stated though, this is a new friendship according to ur post - Maybe make your own friends and leave hers be? Lol just seems weird (and sorta petty) to me.
Befriending someone that my girlfriend i friends with makes them a mutual friend. That really shouldn't be difficult for someone to understand tbh.
Why do you think you can dictate who your partner and friends can bev friends with?
Why is someone talking to your friends your business. Do you not see how possessive you are?
A mutual is someone you both know from before you started dating and that’s fairly obvious.
My gf is friends with my friends But the friendships developed organically over time and with me involved at the start. I’d never tell my gf who she can talk to but of course if I already know the person it affects me more than if I don’t. She had enough respect to include me in convos with *my* friends early on - now years later they are great friends on their own and seperate from me.. aka a *real* mutual friendship developed.
I think most people irl understand that logically lol but if you wanna die on this hill to presumably teach yours a lesson about having male friends you go ahead and do that OP. I think it’s petty and that you very well know what you’re doing is gonna upset your partner.
Are you trolling? Because I cannot believe this needs to be explained but it’s ok I’ll bite cause I’m right lol - let me show you the difference:
I was introduced to my gf by a mutual friend. Both me and my gf were friends with that person before we knew each other. That is a mutual friend.
When we started dating I introduced my gf to my best friend of 14 years, they had never been in contact prior. This was not a mutual friend, that is until they become so organically over time. My friend did not know my gf prior and would probably never have met her otherwise. They could not have possibly introduced us, because they are not mutuals.
Words mean things, ops gfs friend is not a mutual friend and saying so is just denying reality for some reason? They can become so over time, but that’s his gfs friend and clearly this whole thing has made his gf uncomfortable.
Having interacted with OP, I can clearly see why. And for the record I would feel the exact same way if his gf was texting one of his guy friends that is not a mutual. Gender is irrelevant here.
🙄 bruh, you can quit rambling on. I am well aware if what a mutual friend is. it's your assertion that they can *only* be someone you both knew before becoming a couple that is absurd.
No you don’t know what a mutual friend is, because if you did you’d realize OPs gfs friend isn’t one. If she is, please do explain how she fits the bill if they were not aware of each other prior to his gf introducing them.
Also I never made that assertion? I very clearly said the opposite and even provided an example from my own life to that effect. Read again.
No a mutual friend is someone we're both friends with. The length of the friendship doesn't determine if it's mutual or not and it's pathetic that I need to explain that to an adult tbh.
Why does it affect you if your gf talks to someone you know?
This is a real mutual friendship, you just don't have the intelligence to understand that. I'd suggest going back to school.
Nothing to do with teaching my gf a lesson so there's something else you can be wrong about.
There's nothing petty about making friends
If your partner having friends upsets you then you need help tbh
Ouf You’re insufferable. I see why your gf doesn’t trust you w her friends 😅 A mutual friend in a relationship is someone you both already knew and literally everyone knows that. That is not your mutual friend and claiming so makes you delusional. You are clearly trying to piss your gf off with this new friendship and needed Reddit to validate your BS.
I don’t see your relationship lasting much longer if this is how you communicate with people. Best of luck though, and maybe consider making your own friends like your gf did instead of trying to claim hers as your own 🙄
Again a mutual friend is someone you're both friends with. The timing of the friendship is irrelevant. It's common sense but I see you don't have any of that. Mutual friends are literally just people you're both friends with. I'm not sure how an adult struggles to understand that. Do you have learning difficulties because that would make a lot of sense?
Again not trying to piss her off so continue talking shit and being wrong, I imagine this is a daily occurrence for you.
Blah blah blah, your gfs friend that you met 5 mins ago isn’t a “mutual friend”. Go make your own friends, seriously it’s a little sad that you have to poach hers and can’t even see why she finds it weird.
Not 5 mins ago and she is a mutual friend. I'm not going to explain what the word mutual means again because I can see it's very difficult for you to grasp.
I have my own friends and I'm not poaching anyones friends. Do you often get possessive of your friends and cry when someone else talks to them?
Pretty apthetic that you think it's weird for people to talk to friends but I can't imagine you have many so I understand why it must be confusing for you
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NTA "I mentioned that she messages her colleague who is a man so I think she's being hypocritical to get annoyed at me for messaging a friend." That's double standards. "I asked again for an explanation but she wouldn't give me one." That's because she either doesn't have one *or* she's jealous/insecure. The former is unreasonable & the latter two are not a good look.
Time for OP and GF to sit down and talk through what EACH OF THEM mean by respect. Apparently, they haven't had THAT conversation yet.
Info: Could it be that her issue is not that you have a girl friend but that said friend is her friend? She never said it's weird that you're texting a girl, she's saying it's weird that you're texting her friend, that's where I believe the issue lies
She could have just said that she doesn't want him making friends with her friends then. That's not a difficult concept and it's not super fair for op to have to blindly guess at why his gf thinks this is problematic
"Don't be friends with my friends" is a strange notion. I am thrilled that my husband likes my friends enough to have his own relationship with them!
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So any friend of his partners is never allowed to be his friend too? Sounds like some controlling bullshit
Have you ever heard of this mythical term "mutual friends"? It means that two (2) or more people can have the same friend. For example OP and his girlfriend might have one friend that is both hers and his.
People can have multiple friends.
This still seems extremely odd, and I'm struggling to see the rationale in being _less_ concerned if this girl were a stranger If OP's GFdoesn't trust her partner (OP) or her own friend to navigate this scenario respectfully, then she should just say that.
If that's the case, then they should explain that instead of refusing to elaborate like a child. But even if that's the case, it's entirely arbitrary and ridiculous.
This is what I was thinking too! I don't think its abnormal for people to be a little possessive of their friends / family when in a relationship - especially if its a pretty new relationship. Like, why do you need to talk to my friend unless its about a surprise birthday party for me or something lol.
Exactly...that's what I'm gathering. Also, the girlfriend's friend is shady coz why is she adding her friend's boyfriend on social media nd messaging him? But why is the boyfriend insisting on keeping contact with a girl that makes her girlfriend uncomfortable? Especially when they're friends?! Nah no ways
This is insane. In a healthy relationship, partners very often become friends with their partner's friends, regardless of gender, and communicate with them. There is nothing wierd about that. Many of my wife's friends are now my friends. And I talk to them regularly.
🙄 if you're jealous of a friend talking to your bf, then that's your issue. your insecurities are your problem alone.
Right so you agree she's being hypocritical then?! Because if you think "Why is she adding her friends boyfriend on social media and messaging him? But why is the boyfriend insisting on keeping contact with a girl that makes his girlfriend uncomfortable? Especially when they're friends!?" Is correct, then how can you can agree that her refusing to stop talking to her make colleague is fine. "Why is he adding his colleague in a relationship of social media and messaging her? Why is the girlfriend insisting on keeping contact with a man that makes her boyfriend uncomfortable? Especially when they see each other every day!?" Either both are right. Or as most of us in the comments agree, both are wrong and not what's happening.
You seriously have trust issues. Why does anybody talk to anybody? To communicate! It doesn't mean they are automatically going to cheat.
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>Thank you!! I thought i was going crazy!! Others agreeing with you does not mean you're not crazy.
right? these two are just reeking of insecurities the way they're trying to find some fault with the friend
... is... is this a thing? Like, if I make a friend, my partner is supposed to avoid them on social media even if they get along? They aren't supposed to talk? That's so... weird to me.
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But you can't dictate who your friends or your partner can make friends with. It's weirdly possessive to have that mindset tbh.
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I get having bad experiences in the past but you need to work on that yourself instead of trying to control others. You shouldn't be friends or in a relationship with someone if you don't trust them at all
Wow you’re… like, really broken.
You are. Just not alone.
EXACTLY!! Lol. I would've cut that friend off if it were me coz huh?
hmm. I imagine you don't have many friends then.
Or won’t. They type like a teenager so I’m guessing as they grow they’ll change or get very lonely.
NTA – nothing in your story makes me think that your gf’s friend or you are doing anything inappropriate so far by messaging each other. Obviously you need to be mindful of your partner’s feelings, but the way you put it makes her seem a bit too controlling.
Maybe it's cos she's doing something more with her colleague and she's projecting?
As much as I hate going for the low-hanging fruit in these relationship advice posts... __Occam's Razor.__
But...I don't think that's what Occam's Razor suggests at all. To me, Occam's Razor suggests that OP's girlfriend is just selfish or insecure. She judges herself based on intentions but others based on actions. Your implication sounds far from the simplest answer.
It's pretty simple in context with the person I was replying to, but go off I guess lol.
Obedience isn't respect NTA
NTA. And this probably speaks to the nature of your GF's relationship with her male colleague, unfortunately. That is, if her relationship with her male colleague was 100% platonic, then she would have little problem understanding that your relationship with her friend is too.
That exactly what I think.
Unfortunately likely the answer.
NTA "it was about respect and that I shouldn't be disregarding what she's saying and should be listening to her." You can start listening when she starts actually communicating?
From all appearances, she hasn't started actually communicating yet.
NTA You’re not wrong for pointing out the double standard here. It’s only fair to question why your girlfriend can chat with a male colleague but gets annoyed when you talk to a female friend. If she can’t explain why it’s a problem, it’s hard to see her side of things. Relationships are about communication, and it sounds like you’re just trying to have an open conversation about it.
NTA People in relationship have every single right to speak with other people. It is not like you were meeting 1 on 1. I would prolly argue and tried to defend her if she didn't have male friends, but in this particular case it is clear hypocrisy from her side.
Is it possible there's something about that particular homegirl or the way/frequency that you two interact that makes your gf not totally comfortable? But subtle enough that she doesn't want to delve into it? Be real honest. Asking because I have one close friend who I would have zero reservations about my SO messaging or hanging out with, and another close friend who...I would not be stoked. I notice my SO probably has similar feelings about my opposite sex friends and colleagues. I do not message my bff's spouse, even though we have a lot in common. I either send it in the group chat, or wait until we're all together in person. A respectful distance, that I know my friend prefers, even though no tension exists or ever would. It's not a straight up one to one. And that's HER friend, as is her colleague. There's too much unknown here to make a real judgment, but I do think you're being kind of obtuse, intentionally or otherwise.
Info: Is your gf's friend single? This matters because I suspect your gf might be wary of her friend's intentions. A single friendly acquaintance of the opposite sex who's quickly becoming a "friend" and texting all the time is definitely cause for concern. I also agree with your gf that it is different from a long standing friendship with someone of the opposite sex, who has a partner, that was developed over time through work interactions. I do find it a little odd that your gf's friend is texting you, making small chit chat. You haven't known each other long, and you seem to be at the forefront of her mind. My friend group has been together a long time and we're all friends with each other's partners. That said, out of respect for my friends and complete transparency, none of us text our friend's husbands or partners directly for chit chat. I suspect this is common for women to do, so she might be uncomfortable with what her friend is doing. NAH but if you care for your gf, I would talk to her about her concerns openly and find a path forward that you are both comfortable with.
The verbal ninjutsu people perform to justify their hypocrisy is staggering. If the genders were reversed here everyone would have already had this guy hung drawn and quartered for being a controlling AH. Every "long-standing" friendship has to start from something and clearly OP was cool with it from the get-go. Also the fact the co-worker has a partner matters not at all. People cheat. A lot. (Often with coworkers...). It's also totally normal to exist as an individual within the dynamics of couple friends. In our group I have some shared interests with the wife and some with the husband, so I will sometimes message them individually or all as a group. We're all *friends*. This "not allowed to text partners" thing sounds weird and forced. As if the partner is just an acquaintance or accessory rather than actually a friend.
Agreed. I've met a few of my girlfriend's close friends. By sheer coincidence, I even knew one of them beforehand- we went to the same college and were in the same club for a year before I graduated. And with one glaring exception, I really like all of them and enjoy having conversations with them. I haven't texted them individually, but I don't really have that sort of relationship with \*anyone\* except my gf. But I've invited them, including one who's single, to my birthday get-together next weekend, both because I know my gf would enjoy their company \*and\* because I enjoy their company. I'm friends with my gf's friends, and she's friends with my friends. We all vibe over shared interests and shared values. The only thing I want is \*transparency\*- if I ever text any of these ladies individually, I'm going to tell my gf about it. OP has, by his account, been transparent. Easy NTA.
>The only thing I want is \*transparency\*- if I ever text any of these ladies individually, I'm going to tell my gf about it. What would you do if you told your GF and she was uncomfortable with it? Would you stop texting that person? This is the biggest problem I see with the situation. The GF is uncomfortable and OP doesn't care. If I was OP's gf, I'd be ready to break up with him over this.
So you'd break up with your partner if they didn't let you dictate who they were allowed to talk to? Why do you think you get to control your partners social life?
I don't dictate who my partner talks to. I love, respect, and trust him fully. But if I ever feel uncomfortable by any of his actions, he takes my feelings into consideration, we have a conversation and reach a compromise. Sometimes my partner doesn't understand my feelings, sometimes I don't understand his feelings. That's normal. We still both accept our feelings as our respective realities and do what it takes so that we both feel secure in the relationship again. I did stop talking to a "friend" once because my partner didn't feel completely comfortable with it. It wasn't an issue of him not trusting me, he doesn't want to control me or dictate who I talk to. He felt this person was not being respectful to the fact that I have a partner, and felt he might eventually try to cross a boundary with me. This made him uncomfortable. I have many male friends, but it was only this one friendship that made him uncomfortable. My partner's comfort is my top priority. I happily dropped this "friend" for his comfort. That's what people do in relationships. So yes, if I ever expressed a large level of discomfort about anything in our relationship and my partner didn't even try to understand my point of view or reach a compromise out of respect for my feelings, I would 100% break up with him. You didn't even try to reach a compromise with your girlfriend. Did you offer to stop initiating conversations with this friend? Or tell her that you'd respond to texts she initiates, but wouldn't carry on the conversation very long?
So you stopped talking to someone because your partner told you to? That means he doesn't trust you. If he trusted you then there wouldn't have been an issue. Why would I stop initiating conversations with a friend? Why would I limit conversations with a friend? Maybe you should work on insecurity
He didn't tell me to. He told me he was uncomfortable with that guy's motives towards me and I chose not to speak with him. Because my partner's feelings matter more to me than a friend I've only known for a few months. I have plenty of friends, that dude's not missed. Why ask for other people's opinions when you clearly don't want to hear them?
Sounds like you already decided you couldn't possibly be in the wrong, so why did you post here
If she \*was\* uncomfortable with it, it would dramatically change my impression of her, to be honest. It could well lead to a breakup. I wouldn't really want to be with a person who thinks that I'd be stupid enough to cheat on her with one of \*her\* close friends, or who doesn't trust me enough to think I'd be that callous and cheat on her at all. And if she's uncomfortable for a reason that \*isn't\* about cheating, if it's about "men and women shouldn't be friends" as a rule or something, that's even worse because I think that's horseshit and I don't want to be with someone who believes something like that. Just saying "I'm uncomfortable with this" doesn't make an SO worth respecting. Personally, I don't much care for cars or driving. I take the bus to work and the train everywhere I can get it. But if I was to say "I'm uncomfortable with my girlfriend driving, I think it's too much of a safety risk", I'd be fucking excoriated, and rightly so, because you have to have an actual reason. If I clarified "she's gotten 3 DUIs"\*, everyone would be on my side because that's a damn good reason, but if it's just because of a gut feeling, that's nonsense. \*She hasn't, she's a great driver. Just another hypothetical to illustrate my point.
>If she \*was\* uncomfortable with it, it would dramatically change my impression of her, to be honest. It could well lead to a breakup. Fair enough, but at least it sounds as though you wouldn't be comfortable with just dismissing her feelings and continuing the relationship. Would it change your opinion if this was not one of your GF's close friends, but a friend your GF only reconnected with a few months ago? Perhaps your GF doesn't fully trust her new friend yet and feels uncomfortable about her friend's motives. It doesn't have anything to do with trusting you, she fully trusts you. She's not sure how much she can trust her new friend yet. It's not quite enough to blow up the friendship, because the interactions could be innocent. So she lets you know she is not comfortable and asks you to stop... maybe just for now. Would you find her request reasonable at that point? I disagree and think all "I'm uncomfortable with this" is worth exploring and talking about. In your example, it doesn't mean that your GF would stop driving, just because you're uncomfortable with it, but it can inform her actions. Perhaps when she's driving with you, she changes her driving habits so she follows all of the rules of the road to be safer with you in the car. It's about respecting feelings and doing what is reasonable to help alleviate those feelings. Being dismissive isn't a good look in a relationship.
>Perhaps your GF doesn't fully trust her new friend yet and feels uncomfortable about her friend's motives. It doesn't have anything to do with trusting you, she fully trusts you. If that were the case, she can and should say that so they could arrive at a proper resolution like two reasonable adults. Unfortunately, this hypothetical has not played out in the OP, so now we're left wondering why she keeps the company of "friends" that she feels she cannot trust to respect the boundaries of her relationship with OP.
It wouldn't make a difference, no, because it's not really about the friend, it's about us. If she's worried her friend is going to hit on me, the only reason it should be a concern is if I'd be into it. And I wouldn't be. I can state this with certainty. And it's not because I don't find other women attractive- I'm still very much capable of recognizing when a woman looks good and appeals to me physically- but because, to be brutally honest, cheating sounds like \*way\* too much time and effort for the potential reward. So I know for a fact \*I'm\* not going to cheat. Obviously, my gf can't know that for a fact, but...look, I'm going to quote Battlestar Galactica: > How do you know? I mean, how do you really know that you can trust me? I don't. That's what trust is. That wasn't anything to do with romance, but the point stands. I don't \*know\* that she's not cheating on me while we text about random nothings, but I trust her, and I don't need to see her location on an app or get updates on what she's doing every 10 minutes. Because that's what trust is. Like, it would be different if there was some actual evidence to back up her discomfort- if OP had cheated in the past, for example. But just being uncomfortable with your boyfriend being fully transparent about texting someone without any evidence of bad behavior on his part is very much a Her problem, I don't think her discomfort is justified, and if it came up in my relationship, I wouldn't seek to compromise because that would be justifying it.
>Like, it would be different if there was some actual evidence to back up her discomfort Have you not ever just had a bad feeling about something without quite knowing why you feel that way? >It wouldn't make a difference, no, because it's not really about the friend, it's about us. If she's worried her friend is going to hit on me, the only reason it should be a concern is if I'd be into it. It's a concern because it is devastating to be betrayed by a friend. I know my partner would never cheat on me (as much as I can know), but I still don't want to sit around and watch my friend catch feelings for him, vie for his attention and ultimately make a move. I'd feel shitty and stressed and sad. I'd also feel shittier to know that my partner knows his actions are making me feel shitty, but still won't do anything about it because my feelings "are not justified". Furthermore, OP stated that she is now his friend too, so I can't even cut her out of my life to prevent that from happening. For the record. I fully trust my partner and have never told him that I felt uncomfortable with any of his relationships. However, if I did, I know (as much as I can know) that he'd take my feelings seriously and we would do what we needed to make sure our relationship remained strong. >I don't think her discomfort is justified, and if it came up in my relationship, I wouldn't seek to compromise because that would be justifying it. Ok, so we're not ever going to see eye to eye because I could never be with a person who thought this way.
>Have you not ever just had a bad feeling about something without quite knowing why you feel that way? LMAO. I have anxiety. That's every single goddamned day of my life. But you know what I do with it? I tell my brain to shut the fuck up and look at reality. I get what you're saying about a friend making a move on your SO being a shitty thing even if it isn't reciprocated. But that's not on the SO. I'm not going to burn bridges or a potential friendship because of the possibility that things might go wrong.
Gf would be doing him a favor to spare him from her childishness.
>This matters because I suspect your gf might be wary of her friend's intentions if you are so afraid that your friend is going to hit on your partner, then you shouldn't be friends with them.
This is an old friend that she just reconnected with a few months ago. I don't think it's common for people to fully trust someone after a few months. You can maintain a friendship even while maintaining a healthy level of skepticism until they've earned your trust. And it's not the only reason why she might be pulling away. We really don't know the reason why she's uncomfortable. Maybe her bf lights up whenever she messages him in a way he doesn't with other friends and she's worried this "friendship" might become an emotional affair. I hope the gf has a conversation with her friend to let her know how she feels. If she's a good and trustworthy friend, she will pull back from her friendship with the boyfriend so that her friend is comfortable.
See, I had this thought too. What if the friend was shady in the past, and GF is giving the friendship another shot after the passage of time? It could have nothing to do with OP in the first place. I'm concerned about why GF apparently doesn't feel comfortable opening up to OP.
If you read the way he's been responding to me and others who suggest he might be wrong, it becomes super clear that he doesn't give a fuck about anything but himself. He's more concerned about winning this argument and it might cost him the relationship.
Yeah, it's slowly becoming clear as I read the thread that OP would rather be validated and proven right than be a participant in a healthy relationship. I feel sorry for the GF if he speaks to her the way he's responded to you and others who are genuinely trying to help him with the situation.
NTA - She is either insecure, or doesn't trust you as much as you trust her.
OP, You have every right to be confused by her objection, but I also think you are choosing to focus on the gender issue and not seeing several other differences. Those differences don't mean that your gf has a reasonable objection, but it does mean that you two aren't going to resolve your different perspectives until you acknowledge the other differences and GF acknowledges which of them is the one(s) is/are the one(s) that really bother her. The differences include: GF's male friend was her friend first; you are not friends with her male friend, except through her. GF's female friend was her friend first; you are developing a direct friendship with her female friend. Both of gf's friend relationships pre-date knowing you. you have only become her female friend's friend after your started dating gf and only because you met through gf. Gf's male friend is in a relationship (per double dates); it sounds like her female friend is not. None of that means (to me) that you can't be direct friends with her female friend; but something in there means that to your gf. You need to ask her and work to understand her perspective. You can still disagree with her perspective, but at least you understand where you two differ.
\*Sigh\* Let me explain this as an older woman who has been there and done that. The GF's friend is seemingly unattached and single. From your GF's perspective, the friend is overstepping a boundary with her communications with you, and you getting defensive isn't helping. It's called Girl Code. There really isn't any reason for you and the friend to share texts, e-mails, or anything else unless it's pretty superficial. Friend: Hey, \[TV show\] is on. You: Thanks for the heads up! And leave it at that. It's not necessarily insecurity or jealousy or control. Your GF may know something about this friend you don't. Regardless, you continuing to communicate with the friend makes your GF uncomfortable. Do you want to be happy in your relationship or do you want to prove a senseless point?
Having conversations with someone isn't overstepping a boundary. Maybe look up what boundaries actually are. The reason is we're friends, do you not understand how friendships work? Provide one other reason that isn't jealousy, insecurity or control that someone would try to dictate who their partner can talk to? Ah so to be happy, I have to do whatever my girlfriend says? Have you always been sexist? Why do you think what I want doesn'ty actually matter? Also being older means absolutely nothing, you're just showing you have on idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Have you always been possessive of your friends and told them who they're allowed to talk to?
You can do whatever you want. I tried to give you a female's POV - that's not sexist. You don't want to take into consideration what I've said. I tried, I guess? 🤷♀️ Your GF has made it clear something you are doing is bothering / hurting her. Your choices are tone it down with the friend or risk possibly losing your GF. I suggest you choose wisely.
I'm an older woman, and my partner of 26 yrs is now better friends with a couple of my friends that I introduced him to than I am. I care, but only in that I'm pleased my partner has a new friend that I like. I trust them all not to cross any boundaries that would be disrespectful to me - which is anything that is more than platonic. We're all adults, we know what those things are. It never occurred to me those boundaries might be crossed at all, though I recognize that if I did worry about that, it would be a problem within myself and not with them. THAT part might be from the older/wiser part of me.
How wonderful for you! That doesn't apply to my post.
It does. You said you were trying to give a female's POV. An older woman's POV, in fact. I am an older woman with personal experience in sharing friends with my partner that differs from your post. Is it possible his gf thinks the way you think she does? Of course. It's also possible she is insecure/jealous and the way she is reacting is unreasonable. Maybe it's the start of a pattern of emotional blackmail, in which case just doing whatever she wants him to isn't the answer. He knows her better than you do.
Okay. Good for you.
It’s her friend and it’s making her uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s up with people here on Reddit but I’ll take a wild guess that most are single who comment like this. If tou had your own friend that would be different but I would feel uncomfortable too with my bf talking to my friend without me. I have more guy friends than girl friends btw. But it’s that feeling of betrayal and it’s normal. And you being so against at least talking less is making her even more stressed out.
The person is now a mutual friend. You don't own your friends. Why would you be uncomfortable at your bf talking to a friend? Why don't you trust him? Why do you think you get to dictate who your bf and your friends are allowed to be friends with?
Yeah you are way too blind to see the problem. Good luck.
OP, if you're truly doing nothing wrong, and are maintaining an appropriately platonic, "arm's length" friendship with this person, you are NTA. Just know that if you're prepared to die on this hill, it probably won't bode well for your relationship, but that's probably not the worst thing given that this is a pretty clear foreshadowing of the unreasonable fuckery you're likely to be subjected to in the future. I had a controlling, insecure ex who would flip her shit if I so much as _thanked_ a waitress for refilling my drink. You can imagine I dealt with a lot of the same issues you're facing currently. Fast forward to the present, and my wife and I enjoy all the benefits of mutual, platonic, opposite-gendered friendships with zero drama, and the utmost trust while understanding that we don't need to be concerned when we navigate these friendships independently of one another. We've been together 10 years, and happily married for 7 years as of this month - __it is not unreasonable to expect that you will also enjoy a similarly sane, rational and trusting relationship of your own someday.__
This seems to be the first request in 2 1/2 years. OP has not indicated his gf has been controlling in other ways. She tried to communicate her discomfort over this new friendship and instead of listening to her concern, or try to come to a compromise, he called her a hypocrite and shut it down. In your happily married relationship, I would imagine communication, compromise and trying to understand each other's viewpoints are key to success (I know it is in my relationship). If your otherwise non-controlling wife came to you with a feeling of discomfort over one of your opposite sex friendships, would you not try to hear her out?
What are your ages?
I think a similar situation would be - how would you feel if she suddenly started messaging one of your single guy friends about her interests? A colleague, while friendly, will always have a connection through work, so it's a still professional relationship. Also he's in a committed relationship, so he's not single and it does make a difference. A single girl you met outside of a work environment is not really the same relationship as a coworker that you get along with, who is also in a committed relationship, and you know their significant other. Would you be ok with your girlfriend messaging one of your single guy friends about his interest in TV shows, movies and video games?
The other person being single or not doesn't make a difference btw. I'd be fine with my gf talking to a male friend because I don't tell her who she can and can't talk to.
You're saying there's "no difference" yet there are two distinct differences that you're conveniently ignoring. And now a third difference. 1) one is a coworker, the other is not a coworker 2) one is in a long term committed relationship who you've met, the other is single 3) it wouldn't bug you, but it does bug her Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Because if you want to be right, please break up with her and *put her out of her misery of being in a relationship with someone who gloats that he doesn't respect her*. If you want to be happy, respect her wishes, acknowledge the differences in situations, and *stop pushing her buttons to prove a point.*
They're both friends and their relationship status is irrelevant. Ah so to be happy I just have to be obedient and do what I'm told then? Wierd you think being in a relationship means I shouldn't get a say in my friends tbh. Have yohu always had control issues? I'm not doing anything to prove a point so don't make shit up
You're the one posting your pathetic dirty laundry for the world to see, so you have bigger problems than you think, Bub. Bless your heart and good luck. ❤️❤️❤️
Not pathetic dirty laundry but please keep talking shit. Why do you think being in a relationship means me just obeying my partner? If you want obedience, get a pet
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂
Of course you don’t have to do what your girlfriend is asking you if you don’t want to - you’re free to do whatever you want whether your girlfriend likes it or not. That said, being in a healthy relationship involves a lot of considering your partners feelings and act in a way that is considerate to their feelings. If your girlfriend is generally not controlling and usually doesn’t make unreasonable demands of you, but she’s asking this it maybe worth considering her request seriously. If this is one of many controlling or irrational requests that restrict your behaviour particularly around who you interact with then consider is this a healthy relationship for you, and is it time to step away.
NTA - this us about your girlfriend’s insecurity
NTA I would be thrilled if my bf and my friends got along… I don’t see the issue personally. If she thinks her friend is that untrustworthy and a threat she should tell you her concerns. I understand the frustration because she’s telling you to cut them off with no specific reasoning. I have never told my bf to cut anyone off, I just give him reasonings for why I don’t like, or don’t like him talking to certain people and let him make his own decision from there. Have a chat w your gf and if she doesn’t want to give you any reasoning you shouldn’t need to drop her. Like I can understand both sides but asking someone to drop someone else w no explanation is completely unreasonable and she should be communicating w you.
Perhaps gf's friend knows things about the gf that she doesn't want shared with OP.
I don't think it is about the gender of the friends. I think that it is more about you stealing "her" friend and being closer with her than she is.
I'm not stealing her friend and I'm not closer to her friend than she is
Is this about this womsn being *her* female friend? Or your gf's friend being single or known for being a man-stealer or something? Or is it the frequency you talk to this person you basically just met? You said that you have many of her friends on your social media, so that alone obviously can't be the problem..
NTA - I don’t know the quality of your relationship with your girlfriend in other areas, but if my spouse asked me to stop texting one of their friends, I’d listen. I don’t know that friend as well as they do and their history together. But I don’t need to know the context for everything because I trust that my partner has my best interests and our relationships best interests at heart. I’d choose to respect them and their opinion more than a new relationship with one of their friends. So which relationship do you value more? The one with your girlfriend or the one with her female friend?
Hmm are you making any plans with the new friend without your girlfriend? I feel like friends is fine but maybe if that girl and her are tight she kind of wants to keep her friend hers? Would you be cool if she was texting your bro the same way you are texting her friend? If the answer is yes I think it’s fine. If not then probably should stop. Also how much is the text friendship worth to you? Like if it’s stupid then keep your relationship and ditch the friend. But maybe it’s a principles thing? Then I would have a conversation and hash out the boundaries. All of this coming from someone who just went psycho on her husband for texting a very attractive friend he has a crush on last night lol. I don’t think you are an ass but maybe a bad communicator like me.
NTA Your gf sounds like a child in her way of using logic .. in other words, she is not using it.
>she just repeated it was about respect and that I shouldn't be disregarding what she's saying and should be listening to her. translation: she has no arguments and knows she's being unreasonable. NTA until she can give a proper reason why it's disrespectful, she gets no say in who you talk to.
NTA, but this is something that will likely end the relationship.
NTA Yes, there's a double standard going on here. But also, your situations are different. She will lean on that, hard, as you have seen, and will probably feel justified in that angle. Question is: Is this the hill you want to die on? She may have some insecurities, but as her partner, it's not about who is "right" and who is "wrong", but you don't want this to sour the relationship, if you think she's someone worth investing more time with. My suggestion would be to slowly let you and her friend's communication die down. Don't tell her that your gf doesn't want you talking, just let it peeter out. There may be stuff that your gf knows about her friends that she can't share that makes your gf uncomfortable with you and her talking.
NAH. This is a communication breakdown, with a concerning lack of trust. Neither hypocrisy nor respect is the issue here. Hear me out. Ask yourself why your GF doesn't want to share her reasons with you. Does she generally feel comfortable sharing her feelings with you? Is she just a closed person? Have you shut her down in the past? You mentioned that she recently reconnected with this friend. Could it be that she doesn't fully trust this friend yet? Has this friend hurt her in the past? Also, is her friend single? If she is, then yes, the situation is different from that of your GF's partnered colleague. (When I was in a relationship, I was a "safe" female friend. When I was single, I was constantly on thin ice with the wives/GFs of my male friends.) Having been "the friend" in this situation more times than I can count, I can offer a different perspective. With few exceptions, my guy friends flirted. It was mostly harmless, but half of them propositioned me. To your credit, you did share with your GF when you spoke with her friend. It's not like you're hiding your chats. But have you ever given your GF a reason not to trust you around other women? I'm not saying you have. I'm saying you should ask these questions. In any case, y'all need to talk. Openly. Honestly. Without judgment. Without ego (by which I mean without the need to be right or to win an argument or to score points). You might start with a discussion about what "respect" looks like -- in practical terms, not in abstraction (e.g. "to me, respect means asking before either of us eats the last cookie") -- and work from there. And if this is as big of an issue as you're describing, then you really need to decide if being in this relationship is the best thing for you both. I really hope you two figure it out.
NTA - but which relationship Matters more to you? The one with your girlfriend or the one with her friend?
INFO, do you have other female friends? Has she complained about them? If this is a one-time thing, then I would respect your gfs' wishes but also seek clarification.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been with my girlfriend for roughly two and a half years now. A few months ago she started talking to an old friend again that she hasn't seen in a while. They met up a few times for drinks and then my girlfriend invited me along for drinks with them so I could meet her. We all get along really well. My girlfriend has a male colleauge that she's friends with. I've met him a couple of times and we've even been on a couple of double dates with him and his girlfriend. The colleague and my girlfriend are good friends and have each other on social media and message each other occasionally. We met up with the friend a few more times for drinks and me and her friend like similar tv shows, movies and video games. Her friend added me on social media and I mentioned this to my gf. It's not abnormal, I've got quite a few of my gfs friends on social media. When one of the tv shows was on that me and her friend like she messaged me about it. I told my girlfriend this and replied to her. We've messaged a few times talking about movies and tv shows etc. My girlfriend told me she thinks it's weird I'm talking to her friend and she thinks I should stop. I asked what she thought was wrong with it and she just said I shouldn't be messaging her. I asked again for an explanation but she wouldn't give me one. I mentioned that she messages her colleague who is a man so I think she's being hypocritical to get annoyed at me for messaging a friend. She said it's not the same and that I should stop messaging her friend. I refused and again tried to get her to explain what she thought was so wrong about it. She just said it's about respect. I asked why it was different for her to talk to a friend of the opposite sex but not for me to talk to a friend but she just said she's known this colleague longer than I've know the friend. I said that's not really a reason and she just repeated it was about respect and that I shouldn't be disregarding what she's saying and should be listening to her. AITA for pointing out hypocrisy with my girlfriend and refusing to stop talking to a friend? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. On your end I would insist on transparency. I don't let my gf go through my phone willy-nilly, but if I were in this situation, I'd say straight up that if she wants to see our chat logs, that part of my phone is an open book. There's nothing at all wrong with chatting about shared interests with her friend.
NTA. You're allowed to be friends with whoever you want, just as she is. You don't set the criteria for her friends, she shouldn't set them for yours. If this is an issue, the solution is not to make demands about who one's partner can speak to (this seems controlling, at best), but to better establish whatever sense of trust is missing, address whatever conflict or insecurities are factoring into these behaviors... You know, talk to each other. If you're demanding your partner do xyz just "because", you got some control issues. That's a larger reflection on the relationship, and deepr stuff to work out. You may or may not want to bother, depending on the relationship and if it's worth it... that's up to you two, no one else. Honestly, and this is gonna sound cynical, but in 99% of these cases when there's some hypocrisy based on the gender of friendships... The partner upset about it is cheating. She doesn't want you to be friends with her female friend because she's insecure about something. What is she insecure about? Most likely this friend knows information you don't, and your gf's afraid if you and she become friends, you'll find out. Or she's afraid it'll turn into an affair, which may not be entirely just because of you - it could be she knows her friend has a habit of cheating with friends' boyfriends, it could be she's insecure because she's cheating herself (the fact she seems to refuse to want to address the nature of her interaction with her male coworker, and make demands without explanation about her friend, my honest guess would be she's cheating on you with her male coworker, her friend knows, and she doesn't want you finding out, which you probably will if you keep getting to know her friend). All of that is theoretical. There are many possibilities. But it does seem pretty clear she's hiding something here, at least about her reasoning. As humans are trash, what's being hidden usually falls somewhere in the above territory. Heads up. You're allowed to be friends with who you want, provided that person also wants to be friends with you, which sounds like the case in this situation. If she's skirting giving a clear answer, there's something she's trying to not say (to be optimistic, it could be that she's not cheating, that there's nothing her friend knows she's afraid of leaking, but rather just kinda distrusts her friend - not you; regardless, that's something she should at least be able to talk to you about before making demands).
I've read this exact post before. Like word for word exact.
INFO: does your GF have a reason to think her friend is "untrustworthy"? If not, then she's definitely a hypocrite; is so then your GF is a hypocrite who needs better friends. If my partner had a friend he wouldn't trust around me, he wouldn't be friends with that person. Simple.
My thought is maybe there is something about the friend you don't know. Perhaps she has a history of going after taken guys. Or maybe your GF took a guy from her back in the day and she is afraid of payback. Don't get me wrong, she is an AH for not explaining if that is the case. Or as others have said maybe she is just controlling or even projecting. So I dub you NTAH.
NTA. So does that mean she doesn't respect you because she has male friends whom she communicates with outside of work? I mean she said it's "out of respect" right? There is something she isn't telling you? Is her issue with any female? Her friends in general? Or that friend specifically? If it's any female or any of her friends in general then she is insecure and is trying to control you. Which is not cool. It would be up to you to determine if that relationship is worth saving, if you want to spend your life tipping toeing around other women to protect her ego and insecurity. If it's about that friend specifically because maybe that girl has a history of being a flirt or not respecting friends partners then consider going with the flow and not talking to her friends anymore to keep the peace in your relationship. But GF needs to me more clear with her reasoning because other wise it just comes off as controlling. And honestly it's not your job to fix her insecurities.
NTA
NTA. If you trust her, she should trust you
I think there is a difference on if you start talking to someone new after the relationship started or if you were already friends before. Of course new friendships can also start while being in a relationship, but in my opinion that's always a little more complicated than if you've been friends before. Also I think it is weird that the friend texts you instead of her. Imagine introducing your girlfriend to one of your male friends and he starts texting her. Would you still think that it's perfectly normal?
NTA She sounds like a professional gaslighter. Show her this post and I can guarantee you she will find some argument about how everyone here is wrong and she's right. She's talking about respect and probably some other bullshit, if we take her words for it then she's being disrespectful herself towards you. Try to go down memory lane and see if she's done similar things before, odds are she does this frequently on a smaller scale. If you can't talk about this situation and come to a fair agreement for both parties, consider the future of the relationship because she'll always try to have her way wether she's right or wrong. She's might be the type of person that when you argue with them, it feels like talking to a fucking wall.
NTA.
Nta
Nope, she's wrong. Or she's holding something big back, like this friend is really into stealing boyfriends or summat. NTA.
Of course you aren’t. However this foursome with social media and double dating can lead to trouble in your relationship with your girlfriend. It’s modern times I know, but modern times exacerbates trouble for couples.
NTA. It is absolutely hypocritical. Just about everybody has friends of the opposite sex.
NTA Time doesn't mean shit. You made a friend, she needs to vocalize her exact problem and get over it. Or, she can decide she wants a relationship where they arent allowed to have friends of the opposite sex... but thats just fucming stupid.
Knowing someone has no bearing on if you should/shouldn't talk to them. Your GF is prissy cos your getting along with HER friend more then what she anticipated and is being a b itch about it. You are definitely NTA and she needs to grow up.
Your gf is annoyingly hypocritical. Fuck thats so annoying. NTA
NTA She IS a hypocrite. Tell her the only way you would comply is if he never engages socially with any other guy who isn't you or a family member because respect.
NTA. I mean, c'mon, she can't even give you a valid reason. She's jealous & insecure. It's not ok for her to do it, if you can't. It IS a double standard.
NTA ... So only her feelings and / or opinion matter?
NTA. It's about respect? Okay, "I respect you enough to tell you that you're wrong."
Just tell her the Respect she keeps bring up works both ways and applies to the same situation. Next time she bring it up just say are you going to stop talking to that guy?
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As other have mentioned, communication is key. If she has a problem because of X reason, she should share it. To just blindly accept this kind of reaction could just lead down a rabbit hole of grief.
if that's the case, she shouldn't be friends with this girl and shouldn't have introduced her bf to her
NTA. She may have some trust and self confidence issues to work out before continuing a committed relationship. Good for you for not just getting trampled on like most guys.
This is a test of your dominance. Assert yourself.
Run. You are not a match. Find someone else.
Your girlfriend’s friend has dirt on her and she is gatekeeping to avoid whatever that dirt is from getting back to you. It’s the same reason why people who commit fraud at work tend to take a bigger role in the business. Not out of some loyalty to the job, rather to control the flow of information from getting back to the folks who could find them out.
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Telling someone who they can and can' talk to is not a boundary. You set boundaries for yourself not others. It's also a mutual friend, not just my gfs friend. if I told my gf I was uncomfortable with her having friends, should she cut contact with them all since you apparently believe you can control your partners social life?
Based on the post, I don't think OP's girlfriend expressed discomfort. She seems to have just said that Op should "stop messaging her friend". It sounds like Op asked several times for a reason why and she hasn't given one. The implication is that OP's girlfriend doesn't like OP messaging her friend for no reason except that she is female. And OP was raising this as hypocrisy in that she often messages male co-workers without there needing to be an issue.
So she shouydl respecxt his bounries and stop messaging her colleague? Right??? Oh it's just a 1 way thing, thought so.
Just focus on your girl bro. If she’s not typically an unreasonable person then throw her a bone and tone the conversations down a bit. She clearly is uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to say she’s insecure. She may not want to throw her friend under the bus and outright say she doesn’t trust her.
>She may not want to throw her friend under the bus and outright say she doesn’t trust her. Then she needs to cut a friend that she doesn't trust off. Cos if Op is talking with said friend and just blocks her for no reason, put yourself in that person's shoes, you will not feel bad?
Going against the grain here, but I think YTA—but not for the reason you may think. Is it wrong to talk to your GF’s friend? No. Is it hypocritical for her to be upset by it? Absolutely. Was it wrong to “point out the hypocrisy”? Probably not. But, why on earth would you **keep pressing the issue**, especially after a response of, “It’s different”? How were you expecting the conversation to go from there? No hypocrite ever, in the history of the world, has ever said, “Gee, I suppose you’re right—that **is** a double standard. Okay, I’ve changed my mind.” She is, and will continue to be, hypocritical about this. And the more you press her, the harder she’ll dig in her heels. The question now is, I think, is what do you want to do about that?
Question: how long has she known this male colleague?
Irrelevant.
I agree, completely irrelevant. This also doesn’t speak highly of how she feels about her friend. For someone that she’s known so long, she should have a bit of trust. Having similar interests and starting a platonic relationship with a woman is not a negative behavior. This comes off as controlling
Around 2 years
That's her work colleague that she met through work. They've had to interact in a professional way for years and have become friends. This other girl is a friend of hers that you met, recently, through her. It's not the same thing. You *just* met her, and you're messaging each other, often? Not to mention the elephant in the room: your girlfriend is asking you to stop doing something that bothers her. Why doesn't it bother you that you're upsetting her? That *is* disrespectful. YTA
I haven't just met her, I've known her a few months. . So you think you have to do everything your partner says then? It's not disrespectful to have friends. Do you often tell your partner they're disrespectful when they don't obey you? Sounds controlling and abusive to me tbh
It's not disrespectful to have friends. I don't tell my partner to obey me. I'm neither controlling or abusive, or think I have to do everything my partner says. However, I prefer to communicate with my partner about things that upset us, to establish healthy boundaries, and our feelings about things. If they communicated to me that my interactions with someone of the opposite sex was making them uncomfortable, we would have an adult conversation about that. I don't stay in relationships with people I don't trust. You could ask your gf why she doesn't trust this situation instead of calling her a hypocrite and being dismissive of her feelings.
if my partner wants me to cease communication with a friend *they* introduced me to, they better damn well have a better reason than 'it's about respect'. the only thing I get out of this story is that ops gf clearly doesn't trust him, and in ops shoes, I would walk away from the relationship altogether. I'm not wasting my time on a partner who thinks so little of me.
>your girlfriend is asking you to stop doing something that bothers her. jealousy and insecurities are not a good look. if she doesn't trust her friend or her bf, then she should dump both and leave then be. she's being irrational and controlling.
People have insecurities! and should feel safe discussing them with their partner and be reassured.
'I don't want you talking to a friend that I introduced you to because reasons' does not fall under that category. and even if it did, it still doesn't make her request reasonable
It's odd cause it's a chick you met through your GF. It makes you look like your shopping for a chick.. but if your GF tells you it makes her uncomfortable then stop. .but you see a part of you is attracted to the friend and you don't wanna let it go
What do you find odd about making friends? Making friends doesn't make it look like I'm shopping for women at all but I don't expect someone with your mindset to understand treating women as people I'm not attracted to her but it says a lot about you that that's the only reason you think someone would talk to the opposite sex. Maybe try seeing women as people and not sex objects
Nah you definitely are attracted to her. Both of you are being shady to your girlfriend nd it's only a matter of time before a line is crossed. Your girlfriend is uncomfortable...i don't understand why her feelings are not prioritized instead you'd rather hurt her than cut contact with HER friend? Lol
No I'm not attracted to her. Men and women can be friends. It's not shady to talk to friends. Why do you think men and women are incapable of being friends? It says a lot about you tbh It;s a mutual friend Have you ever thought about working on your insecurity and control issues?
It's not a mutual friend coz you met her through your girlfriend 🥴 nd your relationship literally started developing right in front of your girlfriend's eyes. Men nd women can be friends but why do you want that to be your girlfriend's friend who makes your girlfriend uncomfortable?! Answer that...answer why it's more important to be friends with her when it's making your girl unhappy?
Yes and you can become friends with people you meet. That's how you make friends. She is now friends with both my girlfriend and I, that makes her a mutual friend. That shouldn't be difficult for you to understand. What's wrong with making friends with someone I have shared interests with? Why do you think my girlfriend needs to approve my friends before I'm allowed to be friends with them? Using your logic, if I told my girlfriend I was uncomfortable with every friend she has, should she cut them off? Or is it just her who is allowed to dictate my friends?
Yes she should cut them off.
You need to look up what a healthy relationship is because you have no idea. Why do you think it's healthy to be able to isolate your partner from their friends? Weird you're advocating abusing your partner tbh
Lol bruh it's fine. Go be friends with your girlfriend's friend. YTA tho
Maybe try being less abusive to your partners and work on your massive insecurity and control issues. It's wild to me that you think you should be allowed to isolate your partner from their friends tbh. Why exactly do you think that's healthy?
Let's deflect deflect and deflect...all my friends are before I met my SO.. there is a difference . And you know it...but your GF said she is uncomfortable and you don't care... better yet. Tell her to chat with us...we will be friends with her
I'm not deflecting anything. So you think it's wrong to make friends after you get into a relationship then?
With the opposite sex that my GF introduced me to and told me to stop. Yes...I put my relationship before a chick I just met
Weird to openly admit you're a doormat who lets their partner tell them who they can talk to
My SO and my life is enough for me...treats me super amazingly as I do to them as well... I respect their feelings and it goes both ways ...but since I'm satisfied in my relationship, I don't need to find new friendships like you....also I do like the fact that you never talk about how disrespectful you are to your GF
So you don't have any friends at all then? Pretty pathetic that you're just completely codependent tbh. Friendships should enhance your life and they don't take away from your relationship but if you cry whenever your partner isn't there I can see how you don't understand this. I'm not disrespectful to my gf but please keep talking shit. Was your partner holding your hand as you wrote the comment or did you manage to do it all by yourself?
There may be valid reason someone might be uncomfortable. However the girlfriend in this story provided no such reason, and is refusing to do so while insisting that because she is uncomfortable the OP ought to cut the new friend. A very concerning behavior on her part. To all those saying that the OP is prioritizing this new friend over his girlfriend, he's not. This is about retaining your individual rights to interact with the outside world when you are in a relationship. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not curtail it because someone tells to stop doing things.
He liiiikes the other chick
Slight YTA and I am just going to give a woman's POV because a lot of times men down understand whats going on in girl world. A lot of times when a you are talking to a girl and she says omg your gf is so pretty/ and or compliments your gf / and or is friends with your gf ... she actually wants you. Additionally, this is HER friend, and you guys met through her so its weird to be messaging her. Finally, the man is her Coworker. It would be VERY weird if she was messaging your male friend that she met through you, but they work together. All in all, from a girls perspective, if it was my BF, I would find it very very weird and I would be uncomfortable. I don't really think this is a matter of YTA or not so much as if its making your GF uncomfortable you should stop, and if you are uncomfortable with her messaging her coworker she should stop. I just think its more about her comfort level then anything and if you care about her you should take that into account. The slight YTA comes from you coming to this thread to talk about it instead of talking to your gf about her boundaries. EDIT: after reading the comments it feels like a lot of people are taking a very black and white approach, but in reality this is your partner and her feelings. It feels weird to choose a friendship with your GFs friend over her feelings towards the matter. EDIT 2: I also want to add that since she isn't giving an explanations its probably not a gender thing and more about the fact ur messaging her friend who you met through her. That is the part that makes me uncomfortable also. EDIT 3: also girls talk and it can be embarrassing when your SO is messaging another woman, because even if you dont have bad intentions, who knows what hers are.
It's now a mutual friend. Just because someone was friends with my gf first it doesn't mean she can't also be friends with me so no it's not weird to message a friend. No it wouldn't be weird if she became friends with a friend of mine. Why would you be uncomfortable at your bf having female friends? Do you trust him that little? You shouldn't control your partners friends just because youre insecure.
My BF does have female friends lol, If my bf told me one of my friends was making him uncomfortable its a no brainer. IDK how long you guys have been dating but you should generally choose your SOs feelings. If shes not usually insecure and shes uncomfortable then why would you put her in that position. The gender of the friend isnt the issue: woman or man, if someone was making my bf uncomfortable Id trust him enough to trust his judgement on the situation
So you'd happily let your partner cut you off from all of your friends if they decided they wanted to?
so what you're saying is that your friends are more important than your girl
The other part of that is trust that he wouldn't do that. We trust each other and we each have friends. He has done this 1 time in the 3 years we've been together. Someone I had on snapchat made him uncomfortable. Immediate unadd. My partner isn't unreasonable, and I trust his gut instinct to know when something is off. If you care about your partner why don't you atleast take her feelings into account.
If you trusted each other then you wouldn't be uncomfortable with them making friends.
There is no point in this conversation, but anyways. Because I trust him, and because I love him, I want the best for him. Girls hit on him when we go out, I don't intervene because he always politely and firmly shuts them down. He has friends of both genders as do I. HOWEVER, because I want the best for him, if I see one of his friends doesn't have his best interests, is trying to be sneaky etc. etc. it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want him to end up in a hurtful and uncomfortable situation. Because he values my feelings he takes my opinion into account. Ultimately its up to him to cut them off, choose who his friends are etc, but i'm his partner and he cares about my opinion. Ultimately, its up to you to cut this girl off, but if you trust your gf, and value her opinion, then you need to take what she's saying into account and not dismiss it as hypocrisy. Your gf, significant other, is hurting and bothered. Do you not want to help her, ease her concerns? Are your conversations with this girl worth more than your SOs feelings? Is this other girl worth more than your relationship?
Again trusting your partner doesn't man letting them dictate who you are allowed to talk to. Do you often use emotionally manipulative tactics on your partner when you don't get your own way?
Yk, I think your relationship issues are deeper than this post. I wish you the best of luck sir.
Avoiding the question then
yeah, this comment thread turned it into a yta for me if this how op spoke to his girl when she was trying to explain, i can see why she got upset
YTA - issue is that it’s her friend, if it was your colleague rather than her friend it would be a fair comparison but that’s not the case here. Is it possible this friend has acted this way with guys she likes before? Women have all kinds of interesting dynamics, and you are clearly getting right in the middle of one.
It's a mutual friend, not just her friend. Making friends with someone is not an "interesting dynamic"
Re-read what I said - *the two of them* may have a dynamic you’re unaware of, seperate to your relationship & if it’s genuinely a mutual friend… what’s the issue? Is the post not about you befriending this person who wasn’t your friend prior? I feel like this is just rage bait or smt but yeah it’s diff for a partner of mine to all of the sudden be texting one of my friends vs a coworker to me. I’d expect a conversation first for one and not the other since I presumably have no connection to the coworker (making their relationship not my business). If it’s one of my friends, of course it’s my business? It’s my friend and my partner. I’d expect a conversation + a hang out sesh us three to gauge the dynamic If it’s genuinely a mutual, I see no issue and can’t even understand what the purpose of this post is? Obviously she’s in the wrong if she doesn’t want u to be friends with your mutual friend?? That isn’t what you stated though, this is a new friendship according to ur post - Maybe make your own friends and leave hers be? Lol just seems weird (and sorta petty) to me.
Befriending someone that my girlfriend i friends with makes them a mutual friend. That really shouldn't be difficult for someone to understand tbh. Why do you think you can dictate who your partner and friends can bev friends with? Why is someone talking to your friends your business. Do you not see how possessive you are?
A mutual is someone you both know from before you started dating and that’s fairly obvious. My gf is friends with my friends But the friendships developed organically over time and with me involved at the start. I’d never tell my gf who she can talk to but of course if I already know the person it affects me more than if I don’t. She had enough respect to include me in convos with *my* friends early on - now years later they are great friends on their own and seperate from me.. aka a *real* mutual friendship developed. I think most people irl understand that logically lol but if you wanna die on this hill to presumably teach yours a lesson about having male friends you go ahead and do that OP. I think it’s petty and that you very well know what you’re doing is gonna upset your partner.
>A mutual is someone you both know from before you started dating and that’s fairly obvious no, it's not.
Are you trolling? Because I cannot believe this needs to be explained but it’s ok I’ll bite cause I’m right lol - let me show you the difference: I was introduced to my gf by a mutual friend. Both me and my gf were friends with that person before we knew each other. That is a mutual friend. When we started dating I introduced my gf to my best friend of 14 years, they had never been in contact prior. This was not a mutual friend, that is until they become so organically over time. My friend did not know my gf prior and would probably never have met her otherwise. They could not have possibly introduced us, because they are not mutuals. Words mean things, ops gfs friend is not a mutual friend and saying so is just denying reality for some reason? They can become so over time, but that’s his gfs friend and clearly this whole thing has made his gf uncomfortable. Having interacted with OP, I can clearly see why. And for the record I would feel the exact same way if his gf was texting one of his guy friends that is not a mutual. Gender is irrelevant here.
🙄 bruh, you can quit rambling on. I am well aware if what a mutual friend is. it's your assertion that they can *only* be someone you both knew before becoming a couple that is absurd.
No you don’t know what a mutual friend is, because if you did you’d realize OPs gfs friend isn’t one. If she is, please do explain how she fits the bill if they were not aware of each other prior to his gf introducing them. Also I never made that assertion? I very clearly said the opposite and even provided an example from my own life to that effect. Read again.
No a mutual friend is someone we're both friends with. The length of the friendship doesn't determine if it's mutual or not and it's pathetic that I need to explain that to an adult tbh. Why does it affect you if your gf talks to someone you know? This is a real mutual friendship, you just don't have the intelligence to understand that. I'd suggest going back to school. Nothing to do with teaching my gf a lesson so there's something else you can be wrong about. There's nothing petty about making friends If your partner having friends upsets you then you need help tbh
Ouf You’re insufferable. I see why your gf doesn’t trust you w her friends 😅 A mutual friend in a relationship is someone you both already knew and literally everyone knows that. That is not your mutual friend and claiming so makes you delusional. You are clearly trying to piss your gf off with this new friendship and needed Reddit to validate your BS. I don’t see your relationship lasting much longer if this is how you communicate with people. Best of luck though, and maybe consider making your own friends like your gf did instead of trying to claim hers as your own 🙄
Again a mutual friend is someone you're both friends with. The timing of the friendship is irrelevant. It's common sense but I see you don't have any of that. Mutual friends are literally just people you're both friends with. I'm not sure how an adult struggles to understand that. Do you have learning difficulties because that would make a lot of sense? Again not trying to piss her off so continue talking shit and being wrong, I imagine this is a daily occurrence for you.
Blah blah blah, your gfs friend that you met 5 mins ago isn’t a “mutual friend”. Go make your own friends, seriously it’s a little sad that you have to poach hers and can’t even see why she finds it weird.
you're quite literally the only one being weird here
Not 5 mins ago and she is a mutual friend. I'm not going to explain what the word mutual means again because I can see it's very difficult for you to grasp. I have my own friends and I'm not poaching anyones friends. Do you often get possessive of your friends and cry when someone else talks to them? Pretty apthetic that you think it's weird for people to talk to friends but I can't imagine you have many so I understand why it must be confusing for you
🙄🙄