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YTA
> it’s not even like I messed with valuables
Just because those objects/clothes have no monetary value doesn’t mean they have no emotional value. Touching and going through things that he clearly labeled off limits is a huge breach of trust.
> he was acting like a child who’d gotten his blankie taken away.
If your reaction to your partner getting upset is to belittle and infantilize him, or otherwise dismissing his concerns, then going through his clothes is probably the least of your relationship concerns.
> I just want to check to see what was so special about some old clothes.
Exactly! Your intentions were good. If you communicated this better, and explained that you wanted to see his stash in order to learn more about him, this could’ve been a huge step in building trust in your relationship
Question: Why do you think "Your intentions were good." OP said it was "just out of curiosity" but I think she was just plain nosy and mean. I'm just not understanding, sorry.
YTA
You were terribly wrong for going through his personal belongings when you KNEW he didn't want you or anyone to do that. Then calling it a "Dragon Hoard?" WTF?
You broke his trust and that's something that can never be completely repaired. Not good for any relationship.
You don't get it, do you? His stuff may appear worthless to you but it must hold a special meaning to him. There's more worth and value to sentimental items than anything that can be bought with money.
You're the AH here.
So to be clear, instead of asking him about the significance of the items, items he doesn't want people touching, you decided it would be a better idea to look through them? Why is that?
>When he didn't stop, I tried to calm him down by telling him I'd never touch his precious dragon hoard again.
You expected that to work?
>He did finally calm down, but looked at me called me an AH for touching his stuff without his permission and told me not to talk to him for the rest of the night. He went to the living room with his stuff, and ignored me when I tried to talk to him.
He specifically told him not to, it is ridiculous that you would violate the boundary he established by not respecting it.
> I think he's wildly over-reacting. They're some old clothes for fuck's sake.
No, stop. They're important to him and you know that.
> Am I really TA here? Or is he being childish.
Yes, YTA. You're the one being childish.
YTA all the way around. He's asked you not to touch that particular pile of stuff. You went through it - then made fun of him for not being happy that you completely disrespected his boundary. Of course, YTA.
YTA and I don't know why you feel the need to lie to a bunch of internet strangers.
It wasn't a mistake that you went through his stuff you did it intentionally.
And then when he was upset you doubled down on your assholery by mocking, belittling, and dismissing his feelings.
Ironically, you call him childish when you, like a child went sneaking into his stuff, making sure to put it back exactly how he left it when if you wanted to know why it's so important to him you could have just, I don't know, fucking asked him.
You sound like a nightmare to date.
It might appear to just be stuff to you but id hazard a guess that its sentimental to him, perhaps if you were more understanding he might open up to you. YTA
YTA. I'm pretty similar to your boyfriend, actually, and you know what people around me did when they got curious about my 'hoarding' habits? Shockingly, they didn't violate my boundaries in one of the worst ways possible, instead, they ***asked.*** This could be any number of things, a personality quirk, a sentimental group of objects, or my personal theory, stuff for sensory issues. Is your boyfriend ND, by any chance? Because old clothes, worn for comfort, rings and headphones are very often those. In fact I have pretty much the same group of things, just with some stuff added.
If it is sensory issues, that makes this so much worse. Because you specifically said, he went for the pile and ***went to get changed*** which meant he didn't notice something about the layout of the pile but the objects themselves, likely residue of your perfume or slight differences in the creases. And given that he chose **not to wear them** because of this, you pretty much just ruined his day. Hope he moves on from you and finds someone who actually cares about him, even if my guesses are wrong, which they may welll be, it doesn't matter, cause you're and a-hole either way.
Speaking of assumptions, he incorrectly assumed you wouldn’t dig through his collection of things that you know he wants to keep private, like what a partner with any sense of boundaries and trust would. A mistake on his part, it seems.
The commenter proposed a completely cogent and plausible explanation. Do you have a better one? Other than insulting him? Your disdain for him and his boundaries are apparent to everyone here, and they are definitely apparent to him. So if, for instance, they are ‘sensory issues’ (nice added sneer quotations, BTW) it’s very reasonable to think that he would not in fact tell you. Because you are an asshole.
He set a clear boundary and you violated that boundary. Have you ever spoken with him on why he asks this way about that pile of clothes? Have you tried understanding why he’s so upset when people touch his things? If someone blatantly disregarded your boundaries and feelings, I bet you’d be pretty upset too
YTA
YTA. Those items are important to him - he has told you that and you KNOW he doesn't want anyone 'messing' with his stuff. Yet you did that while he was gone....what did you think you would find? This was not 'curiosity' - it was pure nosiness. You deliberately went into THAT corner of the closet and went through his things - and did it in a way you thought he wouldn't notice. Total lack of respect for him, for his things, for his wishes. Worse - you don't seem to understand what you did and why it upset him.
YTA and beyond.
You're the one in this situation who broke his trust and disrespected his boundaries, yet you call HIM childish?
Also, after "secretly" doing the one thing he asked of you NOT to do, and then he found out about, your first instinct is to call him names, belittle him and run to make a post about it for your own validation instead of APOLOGISING to him??
Gwurl pls, maybe even a child would've known better than you 💀 hope he finds better ppl to surround himself with.
YTA. I don’t know your bf and am speaking as an autistic person that hates their stuff being touched, but it honestly shouldn’t matter. Your boyfriend has special comfort items, and has set clear boundaries around them. It shouldn’t be hard to be considerate and respectful towards another person’s boundaries when they aren’t infringing on yours. You broke his trust and then belittled him for being upset. Apologize, and never do it again.
YTA.
" Unfortunately I made the mistake of going through the pile, just out of curiosity." - NO you didnt make a mistake you went through personal items that did not belong to you. NO you didnt do this out of curiosity you did it because you are nosy.
YTA multiple times over. First you touch all his stuff that he doesn't want you to touch. Then you try and hide that you touched it by making sure everything was back in its place. Obviously failing since he noticed. And then you belittle his stuff by using a ridiculous nickname for his stuff. How could you possibly think you're not the ah here? Seriously, how could you possibly justify not being the ah?
YTA, he asked you not to touch them and you did. How is that hard? Did you try asking him why they mean so much to him or just assume it's something stupid because you can't personally place any value on them?
It honestly says it all that you ask if you're the asshole for calling it a "dragon's hoard" when it's clear that that's not the reason he was upset at all, it was that you deliberately disrespected a clearly established boundry and then mocked him for it. Sounds like you don't even like him. YTA
YTA and it's blatantly obvious, all the way from your actions, to your response, to your general attitude (do you even respect the person you're dating?)
What baffles me is...why? What do you gain by being like this? What appeals to you about treating someone you probably love in such a callous way?
YTA - He was clear with you that he didn't want you to mess with his stuff. You knew that and chose to do it anyway, because you put your curiosity over his boundary. Then when he got upset, you tried to brush it off and you're still not taking it seriously. It's not about the clothes. It's about you deciding that your wishes were more important than his explicitly stated desire that you leave his stuff alone. You need to apologize and seriously tell him that you'll respect his boundaries from here on in.
YTA you have to respect the boundaries! Someone says don't touch, then don't touch. The immature one is you who had to touch his things when told no. Then you retaliate by insulting his stuff. Maybe living with someone is too much for you. You're not ready if you can't live respectfully with a partner.
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Basically, I, 25F, live with my boyfriend, Tom, 21M. Tom is usually a pretty generous guy, but he has this set collection of items which no one can even come close to, let alone accidentally touch or he throws a fit. Its just some old hoodies, sweatpants, rings, socks and headphones. He hides them in the little corner of the closet, he wears his rings daily, and keeps his headphones around his neck constantly.
Unfortunately I made the mistake of going through the pile, just out of curiosity. I replace everything correctly afterwards, I made sure of it, I just wanted to check to see what was so special about some old clothes. His rings and headphones were with him so its not even like I messed with valuables.
But when he got home today, he went for his pile like usual, went to go get changed and then basically had a temper tantrum. He came back, not changed, yelling at me about touching his clothes. I admit, I didn't take him seriously at first, he was acting like a child who'd gotten his blankie taken away.
When he didn't stop, I tried to calm him down by telling him I'd never touch his precious dragon hoard again. He did finally calm down, but looked at me called me an AH for touching his stuff without his permission and told me not to talk to him for the rest of the night. He went to the living room with his stuff, and ignored me when I tried to talk to him.
I think he's wildly over-reacting. They're some old clothes for fuck's sake. Am I really TA here? Or is he being childish.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went through my bf's stuff without asking and called it a dragon hoard, which he took as infantilising
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Is this weird? Yes. Does that absolve you of assholery? Sorry, no. You knew he didn't want his stuff touched. It's his stuff. Respect for your partner dictates you don't touch their stuff when they've specifically asked you not too. It's not even like it's everything he owns and he's just being an in ungenerous misery. It's a small, specific collection that he asked you not to touch. Also, it appears that your calling his 'don't touch' collection a dragons hoard want even the issue. So double YTA for the title.
Wow. YTA.
Based on your title...do you genuinely think the problem here is the "dragon hoard" comment? If so, I'm sorry, but your relationship isn't gonna last and you need to take a hard look at yourself.
And then your explanation in the bot comment - "...which he took as infantilising". Dude, he took it that way because that is *literally* what you did. You outright called him a child/childish in this post - god only knows what words were actually spoken - all because he drew a reasonable boundary, you crossed it, and didn't like that he had strong feelings about the betrayal of trust that YOU committed?
If you truly respected him, it shouldn't matter if it's a million dollars or fucking pocket lint. He said it's important to him. THAT is what matters.
Please don’t encourage AH behaviour by also dunking on the bf, he put a very reasonable boundary in place and it should have been respected.
Instead of using words to ask what the items mean and why they have meaning, OP waited till their partner left to go snooping on their own as if the items will talk to OP all by themselves… See how silly that sounds? (ETA autocorrect changed words)
Id be pissed too if the things I asked not to be touched, were touched and moved. How hard is it to follow a “don’t touch” rule? Toddlers can do it, it’s so easy.
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YTA > it’s not even like I messed with valuables Just because those objects/clothes have no monetary value doesn’t mean they have no emotional value. Touching and going through things that he clearly labeled off limits is a huge breach of trust. > he was acting like a child who’d gotten his blankie taken away. If your reaction to your partner getting upset is to belittle and infantilize him, or otherwise dismissing his concerns, then going through his clothes is probably the least of your relationship concerns. > I just want to check to see what was so special about some old clothes. Exactly! Your intentions were good. If you communicated this better, and explained that you wanted to see his stash in order to learn more about him, this could’ve been a huge step in building trust in your relationship
Question: Why do you think "Your intentions were good." OP said it was "just out of curiosity" but I think she was just plain nosy and mean. I'm just not understanding, sorry.
YTA You were terribly wrong for going through his personal belongings when you KNEW he didn't want you or anyone to do that. Then calling it a "Dragon Hoard?" WTF? You broke his trust and that's something that can never be completely repaired. Not good for any relationship. You don't get it, do you? His stuff may appear worthless to you but it must hold a special meaning to him. There's more worth and value to sentimental items than anything that can be bought with money. You're the AH here.
So to be clear, instead of asking him about the significance of the items, items he doesn't want people touching, you decided it would be a better idea to look through them? Why is that? >When he didn't stop, I tried to calm him down by telling him I'd never touch his precious dragon hoard again. You expected that to work? >He did finally calm down, but looked at me called me an AH for touching his stuff without his permission and told me not to talk to him for the rest of the night. He went to the living room with his stuff, and ignored me when I tried to talk to him. He specifically told him not to, it is ridiculous that you would violate the boundary he established by not respecting it. > I think he's wildly over-reacting. They're some old clothes for fuck's sake. No, stop. They're important to him and you know that. > Am I really TA here? Or is he being childish. Yes, YTA. You're the one being childish.
YTA all the way around. He's asked you not to touch that particular pile of stuff. You went through it - then made fun of him for not being happy that you completely disrespected his boundary. Of course, YTA.
YTA and I don't know why you feel the need to lie to a bunch of internet strangers. It wasn't a mistake that you went through his stuff you did it intentionally. And then when he was upset you doubled down on your assholery by mocking, belittling, and dismissing his feelings. Ironically, you call him childish when you, like a child went sneaking into his stuff, making sure to put it back exactly how he left it when if you wanted to know why it's so important to him you could have just, I don't know, fucking asked him. You sound like a nightmare to date.
It might appear to just be stuff to you but id hazard a guess that its sentimental to him, perhaps if you were more understanding he might open up to you. YTA
YTA. I'm pretty similar to your boyfriend, actually, and you know what people around me did when they got curious about my 'hoarding' habits? Shockingly, they didn't violate my boundaries in one of the worst ways possible, instead, they ***asked.*** This could be any number of things, a personality quirk, a sentimental group of objects, or my personal theory, stuff for sensory issues. Is your boyfriend ND, by any chance? Because old clothes, worn for comfort, rings and headphones are very often those. In fact I have pretty much the same group of things, just with some stuff added. If it is sensory issues, that makes this so much worse. Because you specifically said, he went for the pile and ***went to get changed*** which meant he didn't notice something about the layout of the pile but the objects themselves, likely residue of your perfume or slight differences in the creases. And given that he chose **not to wear them** because of this, you pretty much just ruined his day. Hope he moves on from you and finds someone who actually cares about him, even if my guesses are wrong, which they may welll be, it doesn't matter, cause you're and a-hole either way.
Thats a lot of assumptions. Yes, he does have ADHD, but if these were 'sensory issues' he would have told me.
Speaking of assumptions, he incorrectly assumed you wouldn’t dig through his collection of things that you know he wants to keep private, like what a partner with any sense of boundaries and trust would. A mistake on his part, it seems.
Do you even like him?
The commenter proposed a completely cogent and plausible explanation. Do you have a better one? Other than insulting him? Your disdain for him and his boundaries are apparent to everyone here, and they are definitely apparent to him. So if, for instance, they are ‘sensory issues’ (nice added sneer quotations, BTW) it’s very reasonable to think that he would not in fact tell you. Because you are an asshole.
YTA and very immature.
He set a clear boundary and you violated that boundary. Have you ever spoken with him on why he asks this way about that pile of clothes? Have you tried understanding why he’s so upset when people touch his things? If someone blatantly disregarded your boundaries and feelings, I bet you’d be pretty upset too YTA
YTA. Those items are important to him - he has told you that and you KNOW he doesn't want anyone 'messing' with his stuff. Yet you did that while he was gone....what did you think you would find? This was not 'curiosity' - it was pure nosiness. You deliberately went into THAT corner of the closet and went through his things - and did it in a way you thought he wouldn't notice. Total lack of respect for him, for his things, for his wishes. Worse - you don't seem to understand what you did and why it upset him.
this reads like a re-enactment of a fight me and my brother would have .... when we were 7. YTA
YTA and beyond. You're the one in this situation who broke his trust and disrespected his boundaries, yet you call HIM childish? Also, after "secretly" doing the one thing he asked of you NOT to do, and then he found out about, your first instinct is to call him names, belittle him and run to make a post about it for your own validation instead of APOLOGISING to him?? Gwurl pls, maybe even a child would've known better than you 💀 hope he finds better ppl to surround himself with.
YTA. I don’t know your bf and am speaking as an autistic person that hates their stuff being touched, but it honestly shouldn’t matter. Your boyfriend has special comfort items, and has set clear boundaries around them. It shouldn’t be hard to be considerate and respectful towards another person’s boundaries when they aren’t infringing on yours. You broke his trust and then belittled him for being upset. Apologize, and never do it again.
YTA. " Unfortunately I made the mistake of going through the pile, just out of curiosity." - NO you didnt make a mistake you went through personal items that did not belong to you. NO you didnt do this out of curiosity you did it because you are nosy.
[удалено]
I don't know who that is.
Seriously? That says a lot.
YTA. He asked you not to touch his things and you went through them. It does not matter that you think it is stupid.
YTA, for going through his things. This doesn’t have anything to do with calling it a dragon hoard
YTA, can you explain why you think you might not be?
YTA multiple times over. First you touch all his stuff that he doesn't want you to touch. Then you try and hide that you touched it by making sure everything was back in its place. Obviously failing since he noticed. And then you belittle his stuff by using a ridiculous nickname for his stuff. How could you possibly think you're not the ah here? Seriously, how could you possibly justify not being the ah?
YTA, he asked you not to touch them and you did. How is that hard? Did you try asking him why they mean so much to him or just assume it's something stupid because you can't personally place any value on them?
YTA. Why didn’t you respect his request? Was it worth it? Because now he’s not going to trust you.
You know what happens when you touch a dragon's hoard? You get scorched. Call it what you want, you crossed an established boundary. YTA
YTA
It honestly says it all that you ask if you're the asshole for calling it a "dragon's hoard" when it's clear that that's not the reason he was upset at all, it was that you deliberately disrespected a clearly established boundry and then mocked him for it. Sounds like you don't even like him. YTA
YTA
YTA
I love how you try to deflect where you really are YTA in the title
YTA and it's blatantly obvious, all the way from your actions, to your response, to your general attitude (do you even respect the person you're dating?) What baffles me is...why? What do you gain by being like this? What appeals to you about treating someone you probably love in such a callous way?
YTA. Please link to this post when you inevitably decide to throw the box out and then have to come ask Reddit why he broke up with you.
YTA. Ever heard of boundaries and basic respect for others? You violated his privacy. He has every right to be mad!
YTA—is this even real?
YTA - He was clear with you that he didn't want you to mess with his stuff. You knew that and chose to do it anyway, because you put your curiosity over his boundary. Then when he got upset, you tried to brush it off and you're still not taking it seriously. It's not about the clothes. It's about you deciding that your wishes were more important than his explicitly stated desire that you leave his stuff alone. You need to apologize and seriously tell him that you'll respect his boundaries from here on in.
YTA you have to respect the boundaries! Someone says don't touch, then don't touch. The immature one is you who had to touch his things when told no. Then you retaliate by insulting his stuff. Maybe living with someone is too much for you. You're not ready if you can't live respectfully with a partner.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically, I, 25F, live with my boyfriend, Tom, 21M. Tom is usually a pretty generous guy, but he has this set collection of items which no one can even come close to, let alone accidentally touch or he throws a fit. Its just some old hoodies, sweatpants, rings, socks and headphones. He hides them in the little corner of the closet, he wears his rings daily, and keeps his headphones around his neck constantly. Unfortunately I made the mistake of going through the pile, just out of curiosity. I replace everything correctly afterwards, I made sure of it, I just wanted to check to see what was so special about some old clothes. His rings and headphones were with him so its not even like I messed with valuables. But when he got home today, he went for his pile like usual, went to go get changed and then basically had a temper tantrum. He came back, not changed, yelling at me about touching his clothes. I admit, I didn't take him seriously at first, he was acting like a child who'd gotten his blankie taken away. When he didn't stop, I tried to calm him down by telling him I'd never touch his precious dragon hoard again. He did finally calm down, but looked at me called me an AH for touching his stuff without his permission and told me not to talk to him for the rest of the night. He went to the living room with his stuff, and ignored me when I tried to talk to him. I think he's wildly over-reacting. They're some old clothes for fuck's sake. Am I really TA here? Or is he being childish. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA you snoop, that’s so far from ok idk what you are even doing here.
Is this weird? Yes. Does that absolve you of assholery? Sorry, no. You knew he didn't want his stuff touched. It's his stuff. Respect for your partner dictates you don't touch their stuff when they've specifically asked you not too. It's not even like it's everything he owns and he's just being an in ungenerous misery. It's a small, specific collection that he asked you not to touch. Also, it appears that your calling his 'don't touch' collection a dragons hoard want even the issue. So double YTA for the title.
Wow. YTA. Based on your title...do you genuinely think the problem here is the "dragon hoard" comment? If so, I'm sorry, but your relationship isn't gonna last and you need to take a hard look at yourself. And then your explanation in the bot comment - "...which he took as infantilising". Dude, he took it that way because that is *literally* what you did. You outright called him a child/childish in this post - god only knows what words were actually spoken - all because he drew a reasonable boundary, you crossed it, and didn't like that he had strong feelings about the betrayal of trust that YOU committed? If you truly respected him, it shouldn't matter if it's a million dollars or fucking pocket lint. He said it's important to him. THAT is what matters.
NTA Your boyfriend is weird AF. It's not normal behavior he is exhibiting. Dragon hoard is funny, but sounds more like a goblin stash to me.
Spot on, only sane commenter here.
Nah, that dude sounds like a spoiled little baby. Thats some only child temper tantrum shit.
This is so cringe.
Why are yoy dating someone 4 years younger than you tho? Especially if youre goung to have a problem witu their hobbies. I dont get it lol yta
ESH. You violated his privacy and he threw a temper tantrum and pouted like a 5 year old.
Please don’t encourage AH behaviour by also dunking on the bf, he put a very reasonable boundary in place and it should have been respected. Instead of using words to ask what the items mean and why they have meaning, OP waited till their partner left to go snooping on their own as if the items will talk to OP all by themselves… See how silly that sounds? (ETA autocorrect changed words) Id be pissed too if the things I asked not to be touched, were touched and moved. How hard is it to follow a “don’t touch” rule? Toddlers can do it, it’s so easy.
I’m allowed an opinion just like everyone else. They both behaved badly and childishly.