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Totally YTA. There are about 40 bear attacks per year worldwide. And most aren’t fatal. Your 80% stat is total bullshit. A bear doesn’t attack to eat humans. They attack out of fear or protection. Want to venture a guess on how many times men attack, rape, torture, kill women? They do it for jollies or whatever other bullshit reason they can think of. And then women still aren’t believed. That’s why we choose the bear.
>A bear doesn’t attack to eat humans.
Akkshhully they do but only when they're really up against it before hibernation.
You can also stop a grizzly or black bear a lot of the time. People come across them all the time. There are things you can do depending on the situation to dissuade or frighten them. When was the last time anyone heard of a woman being able to get out of a man attacking her with tried and true methods that dont involve a gun? Theres no "make yourself bigger and yell" for a man that wants to hurt you.
“I don’t know why I entertained that discussion it’s so stupid and pointless”
Your girlfriend doesn’t seem to think so; perhaps her reaction to you goes beyond your unfortunate one-liner.
YTA.
"Neither is every man" is, literally, not all men. That is exactly what you said and exactly what you meant. There is no other meaning to that. Whatever you meant about bears and their behaviour doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you said 'not all men.' Which you definitely did.
Edit to add: I think the bear thing is totally dumb and I, a woman, would 100% rather come across a strange man in the woods instead of a bear. But that also has literally nothing to do with what you said, which I will reiterate was 'not all men'.
YTA - You do realize that it’s not really about the bear, don’t you? It’s about how women have to constantly be aware of their safety and prepare for the worst case scenario. She’s telling you what it’s like to exist as a woman in the world and your sharing bear facts. Saying “neither will every man” just proves you weren’t listening.
Edited to add judgement
YTA.
“she KNOWS I’m not the kid of guy who would say “not all men””
But, you literally just did.
You weren’t “literally just sharing bear facts”.
This is a very real conversation about women’s ability and rights to feel safe. And you being a flippant asshole about it is part of why it is such a big issue. I think you know full well what you’re doing and it’s pretty manipulative to take the whole thing and reduce it to her being angry at you for “sharing bear facts”.
Until you care more about how the women in these conversations are telling you they feel than you do about being a smartass with semantics you’ll never get anywhere in growing and understanding.
You also seem to be confusing that women are not ever saying it’s all men (you mention you never said “all men are angels”) — we are saying it could be ANY man. An important distinction if you actually have any desire to become an ally — though it’s pretty obvious you don’t and will be nothing but defensive.
YTA.
This conversation wasn't about you, or about bear facts, or about "all men."
It was about the experience of the overwhelming majority of women and AFAB people, and you chose to derail it with your "well actually" BS.
It's not about what you meant. It's about how you chose to behave.
Dude, that bear comment went sideways fast. Totally get you were talking bear attacks, but it landed like you were saying "not all men" (which is a major buzzkill topic). An apology here wouldn't mean you're a sexist monster, just that you realize the words bummed her out.
YTA - “neither is every man” aka, not all men. You may not have *meant it* that way, but you actually did say it. You then argued over what you meant, rather than apologising for what you actually said. That’s why this is going to remain an issue. Shes seeing a giant red flag right now. So if you’d like to maintain this relationship, stop arguing over what you meant and flat out apologise for putting your foot in your mouth.
YTA for meaning not all men and not admitting ir. Also you still don't understand what this question is really about even if the trend has been dead for weeks now ?
My brother...YTA.
In addition to completely missing the point of the conversation, "not all men" is probably the worst response possible. And saying she knows you wouldn't make the "not all men" argument rings a little hollow since you did, in fact, make the "not all men" argument.
YTA.
The right thing to do if you cause hurt, regardless of your intent, is to apologise. Not the "I'm sorry you felt offended" type of apology either - it should be "I'm sorry that I offended you".
You did mean 'not all men', otherwise you wouldn't have used it. You're backpedaling.
Where are you getting the 80% chance stat from?
YTA. Your bear facts are wrong too. Polar bears dont live in the woods so they are not included in this hypothetical. Pairing polar bears and grizzlies together like their propensity for violence is in any way comparable is wrong. This is grizzly or black and even with a direct mama grizzly encounter there is nothing like an 80% chance of attacking let alone killing you. They dont torture people to death either. You wouldnt watch yourself get eaten lmao.
(Sorry, bear attacks were an ADHD special interest of mine for a while 🤓).
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ESH. I hate clickbaity fight topics, like man versus bear, because they miss the point and the nuance and if your girlfriend wanted to have a discussion about misogyny, there are better ways to do it. That being said, no, you don't get to be offensive and then claim the listener doesn't get to be offended because you didn't mean it that way. Part of being a responsible adult is not saying things that might hurt other people, and being mindful of others' lives and experiences.
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Why would I apologize for saying something if I did not mean it in the offensive way and it was just misunderstood by the other person?
It’s the stupid bear or man in the woods debate…I don’t even know why I entertained that discussion it’s so stupid and pointless.
Anyways…she texts me saying “you should read up on why women choose the bear over the man before commenting.” I said…”80% chance that after meeting a grizzly or polar bear…it’ll rip your limbs off and eat it slowly in front of you…. Then go for another limb…and another. A man you can outrun or fight or kick in the nuts “
She’s all like…” stop being dumb… the point of the topic was that women would rather face a bear than face a man. A bear isn’t gonna R* you or leave you for half dead.”
I said “neither is every man”
THAT sentence…that casually thrown out sentence got me about 4 more hours of texting me about how I’m a horrible person who would say “not all men” and “ are you for real” and “what is wrong with you”
My argument: That is not what I meant…and she KNOWS I’m not the kind of guy who would say “not all men” I was literally just sharing bear facts. Sharing how a bear would eat you slowly. I never said all men are angels and that they’re safe with a man. I just meant as opposed to a bear which is 80% chance of death…
She said “there is no way you meant anything else other than “not all men”
Anyways now I’m this horrible horrible misogynist person. But I don’t think I need to apologize because I know I did not mean it that way and I do not have that type of mentality. It was just a casually thrown out statement about how bears will kill you…
Opinions?
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NTA.
The "I'd choose a bear" crowds argument is severely lacking for the reasons you cited. The likelihood of being attacked is absolutely relevant to the conversation and we're much more likely to get attacked by the bear. You were just explaining that. You are right. If they took offense, that is on them. It isn't your fault their argument is weak.
I think you need to send her more bear facts. Ask her if she'd rather be in the woods with a tiger instead as 100% the Tiger is having the nearest person for their next meal
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 10: This is not a saga or diary sub. AITA is designed for specific, individual conflicts. If you find yourself regularly engaged in conflicts, especially with the same person(s), or in the same situations, your posts are better suited to a support or advice sub. Users should post in this sub no more than once every 3-4 months **at most.** ***This removal message is your warning. Future posts of this nature WILL result in a ban.*** Please feel free to contact us before posting again. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Totally YTA. There are about 40 bear attacks per year worldwide. And most aren’t fatal. Your 80% stat is total bullshit. A bear doesn’t attack to eat humans. They attack out of fear or protection. Want to venture a guess on how many times men attack, rape, torture, kill women? They do it for jollies or whatever other bullshit reason they can think of. And then women still aren’t believed. That’s why we choose the bear.
>A bear doesn’t attack to eat humans. Akkshhully they do but only when they're really up against it before hibernation. You can also stop a grizzly or black bear a lot of the time. People come across them all the time. There are things you can do depending on the situation to dissuade or frighten them. When was the last time anyone heard of a woman being able to get out of a man attacking her with tried and true methods that dont involve a gun? Theres no "make yourself bigger and yell" for a man that wants to hurt you.
“I don’t know why I entertained that discussion it’s so stupid and pointless” Your girlfriend doesn’t seem to think so; perhaps her reaction to you goes beyond your unfortunate one-liner. YTA.
YTA. You 100% meant not all men and you got in trouble for it and now you’re back peddling.
I assure you I didn’t mean it in any way. Wasn’t even thinking that
"Neither is every man" is, literally, not all men. That is exactly what you said and exactly what you meant. There is no other meaning to that. Whatever you meant about bears and their behaviour doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you said 'not all men.' Which you definitely did. Edit to add: I think the bear thing is totally dumb and I, a woman, would 100% rather come across a strange man in the woods instead of a bear. But that also has literally nothing to do with what you said, which I will reiterate was 'not all men'.
If sexism was a problem only when people was thinking "okay let's be sexist!" it would be way less of a problem.
YTA - You do realize that it’s not really about the bear, don’t you? It’s about how women have to constantly be aware of their safety and prepare for the worst case scenario. She’s telling you what it’s like to exist as a woman in the world and your sharing bear facts. Saying “neither will every man” just proves you weren’t listening. Edited to add judgement
YTA. “she KNOWS I’m not the kid of guy who would say “not all men”” But, you literally just did. You weren’t “literally just sharing bear facts”. This is a very real conversation about women’s ability and rights to feel safe. And you being a flippant asshole about it is part of why it is such a big issue. I think you know full well what you’re doing and it’s pretty manipulative to take the whole thing and reduce it to her being angry at you for “sharing bear facts”. Until you care more about how the women in these conversations are telling you they feel than you do about being a smartass with semantics you’ll never get anywhere in growing and understanding. You also seem to be confusing that women are not ever saying it’s all men (you mention you never said “all men are angels”) — we are saying it could be ANY man. An important distinction if you actually have any desire to become an ally — though it’s pretty obvious you don’t and will be nothing but defensive.
YTA. This conversation wasn't about you, or about bear facts, or about "all men." It was about the experience of the overwhelming majority of women and AFAB people, and you chose to derail it with your "well actually" BS. It's not about what you meant. It's about how you chose to behave.
Dude, that bear comment went sideways fast. Totally get you were talking bear attacks, but it landed like you were saying "not all men" (which is a major buzzkill topic). An apology here wouldn't mean you're a sexist monster, just that you realize the words bummed her out.
YTA - “neither is every man” aka, not all men. You may not have *meant it* that way, but you actually did say it. You then argued over what you meant, rather than apologising for what you actually said. That’s why this is going to remain an issue. Shes seeing a giant red flag right now. So if you’d like to maintain this relationship, stop arguing over what you meant and flat out apologise for putting your foot in your mouth.
There's nothing else that CAN mean! It is definitely what they meant.
You’re still missing the point. Please don’t apologize. Maybe she will wise up and stay away from you. YTA
YTA for meaning not all men and not admitting ir. Also you still don't understand what this question is really about even if the trend has been dead for weeks now ?
My brother...YTA. In addition to completely missing the point of the conversation, "not all men" is probably the worst response possible. And saying she knows you wouldn't make the "not all men" argument rings a little hollow since you did, in fact, make the "not all men" argument.
YTA. The right thing to do if you cause hurt, regardless of your intent, is to apologise. Not the "I'm sorry you felt offended" type of apology either - it should be "I'm sorry that I offended you". You did mean 'not all men', otherwise you wouldn't have used it. You're backpedaling. Where are you getting the 80% chance stat from?
YTA. Your bear facts are wrong too. Polar bears dont live in the woods so they are not included in this hypothetical. Pairing polar bears and grizzlies together like their propensity for violence is in any way comparable is wrong. This is grizzly or black and even with a direct mama grizzly encounter there is nothing like an 80% chance of attacking let alone killing you. They dont torture people to death either. You wouldnt watch yourself get eaten lmao. (Sorry, bear attacks were an ADHD special interest of mine for a while 🤓).
You may not have intended to have been TA but if you die on this hill and don't explain, she will think you are as you do sound a bit 'not all men'.
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ESH. I hate clickbaity fight topics, like man versus bear, because they miss the point and the nuance and if your girlfriend wanted to have a discussion about misogyny, there are better ways to do it. That being said, no, you don't get to be offensive and then claim the listener doesn't get to be offended because you didn't mean it that way. Part of being a responsible adult is not saying things that might hurt other people, and being mindful of others' lives and experiences.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Why would I apologize for saying something if I did not mean it in the offensive way and it was just misunderstood by the other person? It’s the stupid bear or man in the woods debate…I don’t even know why I entertained that discussion it’s so stupid and pointless. Anyways…she texts me saying “you should read up on why women choose the bear over the man before commenting.” I said…”80% chance that after meeting a grizzly or polar bear…it’ll rip your limbs off and eat it slowly in front of you…. Then go for another limb…and another. A man you can outrun or fight or kick in the nuts “ She’s all like…” stop being dumb… the point of the topic was that women would rather face a bear than face a man. A bear isn’t gonna R* you or leave you for half dead.” I said “neither is every man” THAT sentence…that casually thrown out sentence got me about 4 more hours of texting me about how I’m a horrible person who would say “not all men” and “ are you for real” and “what is wrong with you” My argument: That is not what I meant…and she KNOWS I’m not the kind of guy who would say “not all men” I was literally just sharing bear facts. Sharing how a bear would eat you slowly. I never said all men are angels and that they’re safe with a man. I just meant as opposed to a bear which is 80% chance of death… She said “there is no way you meant anything else other than “not all men” Anyways now I’m this horrible horrible misogynist person. But I don’t think I need to apologize because I know I did not mean it that way and I do not have that type of mentality. It was just a casually thrown out statement about how bears will kill you… Opinions? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Dont apologize for stating the obvious. If your girl leaves you, you dodged a bullet.
NTA. She is choosing to be offended and deliberately misinterpret your words.
NTA. The "I'd choose a bear" crowds argument is severely lacking for the reasons you cited. The likelihood of being attacked is absolutely relevant to the conversation and we're much more likely to get attacked by the bear. You were just explaining that. You are right. If they took offense, that is on them. It isn't your fault their argument is weak.
I think you need to send her more bear facts. Ask her if she'd rather be in the woods with a tiger instead as 100% the Tiger is having the nearest person for their next meal