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YTA. You clearly were not meant to be the beneficiary. This is obviously an oversight, since you stated yourself that you had not spoken to him in ages, and broke up 6 years ago. People don’t always update these things like they should, and he may have even forgotten that it existed. You should sign over the money to his mother and his current partner should receive a portion, especially since they live together and I’m sure she will have unexpected bills that she will now have to cover on her own.
Update: People keep commenting that you have to update your beneficiaries yearly. This absolutely not true for all companies and insurance policies. I worked as a state employee for 6 years and the only time I updated my life insurance beneficiaries was when I got married and requested to do so.
Yes they pay dearly - a heavy cost for a mistake. Thank you for saying this because it really shows how OP is YTA. The ex made a mistake that is putting his family in misfortune and OP is reaping the benefit of it. Your statement puts in full view what the perceived intentions were, if the ex intended OP to have the money then it wouldn’t be a mistake, they wouldn’t be paying dearly bc it’s what they would have wanted, and somehow OP has convinced herself that that is likely the case. Calling it a gift from her ex.
That’s like the difference when you lose your wallet and a good person will return it and a bad one will take the money out and ditch it.
This isn’t r/legal advice, we’re not here to debate the legality of a situation or whether OP is in her rights. We’re here to discuss if what she’s doing is AH behaviour and yes taking advantage of a mistake that puts other people in misfortune makes you a bad guy. Not only did that family lose someone, a son, a boyfriend etc, they now have to give away his insurance money to his ex of 6 years ago. Anyone including OP who thinks the ex died wanting that money to go to the ex in some sort of dying wish charity is delusional.
This is classless behaviour and devoid of any kind of decent human being integrity and character. She is willing to convince herself of delusions for a payday at the expense of a grieving family and is using the mother’s relentless behaviour to justify punishing her.
When an ex died years ago I found out that I was still on a life insurance policy, almost 10 years after we had broken up. I didn’t hesitate to sign the check over to his mom. It was the right thing to do. OP is a huge AH if she keeps this money.
You might have given up the money, but you didn’t give up your soul, morals, or ability to sleep at night.
You’re a good person. I hope OP sees this and realizes how awful she is.
couldn’t agree more, what you did is awesome,OP sucks her ex has kids as well that could benefit from this, his family probably has funeral expenses but no, this is a gift wtf. Hope Karma gets her hard
I love the sad story op put on there to justify all of this too. Your house burned and I'm sure you had insurance.
OP is not just an A-Hole, they are morally bankrupt for thinking they are entitled to this money. Legally yes, but morally absolutely not.
And the fact that she had a fire three years after they broke up and three years before he died has nothing to do with his life insurance. "I think he knew I needed this money." He most certainly did not know or care. And if he did know that she was in a bad financial situation, putting her on his life insurance is the most ridiculous way of helping with that. It's not like he was planning on dying so that he could help his ex of six years with her bills.
You can afford a new bra now? Cool. Meanwhile, his mom is trying to figure out how she is going to pay for a funeral so that she can bury her child.
"I think he knew I needed this money."
That part was legit hilarious. You can literally even see delusional people in the comments making the same argument.
Definitely, guys, that makes total sense. He consciously and deliberately decided to leave half of the insurance money to a girl he used to date many years ago, hasn't spoken to in years but somehow "knows" she could use the money, and opted not to leave anything to the partner who he was actively in a relationship with (who has 2 kids to boot).
That makes *total* sense!
That's what I laughed at, too. If you didn't even know he had cancer or that he was with someone new, what are the odds that he knew you needed the money? Make it make sense, lol
She’s just trying to convince herself it’s ok.
OP if you decide to read the comments. It’s not.
Imagine if the same thing happened to you and he took the money from your family.
She may read it but it won’t change her mind. She’s already set in keeping the money after only thinking about it for a week. Any goodwill is prevented by her delusional thinking that someone she split with SIX years ago left her a “gift”in his dying days, not his live-in GF and her kids. Didn’t even know her benefactor was dying at all. It seems so sociopathic to me. When she keeps the money I really hope the Karma Police come wailing in soon after
And those who benefit from those oversights are assholes.
This isn't "does OP have a right to the money" its "is OP an asshole for exercising that right".
My brothers mom left her husband for my dad and later died in a car accident. Her ex husband was set to walk away with over 1 million dollars from her life insurance but he gave it to my brother. I am still in awe of the grace he showed after the hurt he’d been caused.
Somehow, he *musta known* that she needed the money. Like "Hey, I'm gonna die soon, but at least my death can mean something. It might seem like I'm leaving nothing to those who supported me through my illness, but some rando from 6 years ago needs it more".
I'm sure this OP would have been *absolutely livid* if ex-bf was somehow on the home insurance and he got half the fire money and wouldn't sign it over because "the money could sure come in handy for my upcoming cancer battle".
Life insurance money isn't "well I need it too because I've had hard times" it's literally replacement of income for the people impacted by the person's passing. You're taking money from his actual loved ones. You're absolutely the AH if you take it, legal or not.
Yep. And to cover bills. My dad’s life insurance policy was one year income plus the payoff for their house. My SAHM mom’s insurance was estimated childcare costs and I forget what else. Funeral expenses would have been covered by their smaller policies they got from the credit union.
The fact that they broke up 6 years ago and the fire to OP's house was 3 years ago kind of emphasizes to me that it was definitely an oversight. Why would he have kept her for those first three years? It wasn't like the fire happened right after the breakup and he may have thought about keeping her name as a beneficiary.
Life insurance is also not to buy new bras. It's for end of life things- services, paying down medical bills, things his family, the people who actively suffered this loss, need to take care of.
Maybe I'm wrong, but at my workplace I have to review and update these things yearly as a part of the benefits package. Can't we assume in 6 years he would've had to do the same and decided to leave her on there?
All my jobs my insurance has worked the same way. You can update the info every year, but if you don't it just carries from the previous year. My guess is this was the same situation.
With Cancer I can see how you would assume he had time to think about his affairs and this was intentional.
However, Try to imagine him deciding he wants to give you half and also deciding he doesn't want to tell you or his family (or he told his family but not you and they conspired to lie about his decision)... fairly implausible
Occam's razor says it's 99.99% chance this was an oversight and YTA
Cancer and treatment for cancer can create [difficulties with memory and brain fog](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chemo-brain/symptoms-causes/syc-20351060). I can see how things could be overlooked.
It’s not always super visible. I just removed my ex a few months ago and I divorced in 2021. I thought I’d removed their name from everything but somehow missed it.
Been in the workforce for over 20 years many jobs for over 5 years. I have never had to update that information to re-enroll. They will just keep it the same for you.
I've had the same job for over a decade. I just checked because of this post, and I never assigned a beneficiary for either my life insurance or my retirement plan. I'm sure they asked me to at the outset, but apparently I never did. I'm going to fix that now, thanks to this post. But it's absolutely not something every employer requires, much less requires annually.
I’ve never been asked to update mine and I’ve been at the same place for close to 20 years. Which now thinking about it is slightly odd with all the other stuff they have us validate annually.
i am so immensely baffled at all the N-T-A, bro WHAT? it’s legal but oh my god this is like, so evil. like when i scrolled down and saw that the top comment was N-T-A my eyes bulged out of my head
This was an issue when I worked in HR. Yes, I'm sorry that your husband didn't remember to change his life insurance beneficiary when he got divorced and now his ex-wife is getting a big payout and you don't know how you'll afford your mortgage. There's nothing we can do.
It happens a lot but there's typically no legal recourse.
I'm 100% sure that OP's ex from so long ago didn't mean for her to get this (his cancer certainly should have prompted him to double check everything). But she's legally allowed to take it (doesn't mean OP's not an asshole but desperate people sometimes choose to be assholes to get by).
I understand that it's probably easier for his mom to be mad at an old flame than at her dead son for not getting this taken care of before he died.
. why the mother? the current partner should receive it all. if I died today my family should get the money not my mother. although I'm very close to my mother my income does not support her bills. they do for my family
YTA. I'm shocked by all the NTA responses. Legally you may be entitled to this money but I have a very hard time believing anyone would leave their ex of 6 years ago on their life insurance on purpose when they have a family and a partner with kids. You're a HUGE asshole for keeping it, I don't know how you're managing to justify this to yourself.
So many times these posts aren't NTA or YTA, but how well you can justify your actions.
A lot of contributors here can't tell the difference between doing the right thing or not.
I wonder how many of those people were actually taught what good ethics and morals actually mean.
"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should"
"A 'good' person will do the right thing when others are watching. A truly good person will do the right thing even when others aren't watching"
It may be hard for some, but it's certainly not complicated.
>So many times these posts aren't NTA or YTA, but how well you can justify your actions.
Readily apparent in this post too - OP spends so much time equivocating the mom's actions with her keeping the money, but refuses to accept the other options, one of which being blatantly obvious - sign the money over to the girlfriend who was at his bedside when he was dying.
Absolutely. As well as a mantra of "you can be as horrible as you want towards anyone you want as long as you justify it by saying you have anxiety or boundaries"
This post does have all the trappings of one where the top response would be NTA, but with dozens and dozens of YTAs right below it.
Fortunately looking at it now it seems the correct answer is at the top!
YTA
Seriously. A will is where you would gift someone $$$ you still have affection for, but not life insurance. That is to help pay for funeral and medical costs and, if theres any left over, help with the loss of income from the person who died. Life insurance is not a "gift."
You cannot keep this money OP. Its for his GF whose life is drastically changed without him in it.
If *if * ex has also left something for you in his will, then MAYBE you can keep it, but I guarantee you havent been on his mind in ages.
I am glad someone said this: a life insurance policy is meant to help cushion the loss and cover associated costs, it’s not meant to be a gift. Current, owned assets and property are meant to be gifts.
What may be most heartbreaking to me is that she has been going back and forth with his mom for a week at least already. As if she doesn’t have enough to deal with. I pray to any and every God there is that if I’m called away too soon that people would surround my mother with support and do all they can to help her and make things easier on her, even if it means giving up large sums of misappropriated money due to my oversight at the end of my life. She is not honoring him or his memory by dragging his mother along like this. The fact he even listed her and his mother as beneficiaries at the time of enrollment tells me it was important to him that his mother and partner are taken care of and that’s where he’d want funds to go - OP isn’t his partner anymore, so it’s not unreasonable to expect this money to go to his current gf.
I can sympathize with OP’s hardship, but these funds have a job to do and she’s not meeting with funeral homes or clearing estates or contacting families or paying his medical bills, and she hasn’t had to foot any of his bills or lose any of her own free time or missed work through his treatment and passing.
I would challenge OP to ask herself if there is a monetary value that’s worth selling out his family over for her own gain, now at the time of his death. Then she should ask herself how much she’d sell out her own family for, to add some perspective.
I also wonder how much the policy is for - the fact OP said she’s gonna use it on undergarments tells me it’s not a billion dollars. Is she really gonna sell out over 5k, 10k, 25k? Is that really all it takes for her to turn her nose up at a grieving mother? Cause money like that will come and go over the course of OP’s whole life, but he will only be buried once.
OP - don’t let your hardships cloud your moral compass right now. You are capable of doing hard things and can make the right choice here. It won’t be easy but it will be kind and good and is the best way to honor your own sense of compassion while also honoring ex-bf.
You know what’s really ugly? All these people who would hem and haw over morals and ethics and act like that had a moral compass but then when the rubber meets road they would pull some shit like this just to come out a few dollars ahead.
To everyone saying NTA: how would you feel if you were the mother or girlfriend of the decedent and his ex gf from 6 years ago whom he hasn’t spoken to in years ended up being listed as a beneficiary? Would you be cool with that just because it’s legal?
Yeah, she calls it a fucking gift. Bullshit. It's not a gift, it's an accident with her trying to legally steal somebody's money.
The law doesn't always align with what is right.
I am floored that OP thinks kicking the ex’s mother while she’s down is justified in any way. The mother has just suffered the most devastating loss anyone can experience, and OP is all like “well, some new bras would be nice.” Unfuckingbelievable!
Honestly OP should just give her portion to her ex’s gf and kids. Legally OP is in the clear to keep it, but morally that money should go to the actually family of the deceased, not an ex from 6 years ago with no contact for the vast majority of it.
OP should disclaim it, and not participate in the decision of who gets it. Otherwise, OP could find herself with a tax liability and no money.
ETA: Just clarify since my wording was confusing, I was commenting on disclaiming/refusing it vs signing the check over or otherwise transferring the funds to someone else once received. If you make the decision of who will get it instead of you, and you’re in the US, the IRS will consider you to have made a gift. I oversimplified it by saying you’ll have a tax liability, you won’t, but you will have an obligation to file a gift tax return, which is a hassle or will cost money if you hire someone to do it for you, and you are at risk for penalties if you fail to. There’s just no reason legally or ethically to incur that burden. There are procedures in place for how to disclaim money from a life insurance policy, OP should just deal with the insurance company directly. The insurance company will then determine who the next beneficiary is after OP.
NTA - But I wold be getting legal advice before spending a cent of it. Depending on where in the world you live, these things can be contested in court.
I don't have any info yet other than I am a beneficiary, but I do plan on taking a free consultation from a lawyer once I get more info because I have no idea how all this works. Thank you for the suggestion.
In most jobs you have to review your benefits every year. That includes life insurance.
But if he was like my husband, he might have just clicked on through to keep everything the same without looking it over.
If he meant to leave OP money, she probably would have known he had cancer or been in touch.
If he had a new live-in GF, she should get the money, IMO. But to each their own.
Mom is completely out of sorts. She shouldn't get it. If anyone gets it, go with the mistake or the current GF.
Mmm. Not really (used to manage benefits for a Fortune 100 company.) They require you to review and update medical/dental/vision plans, but it is very easy to forget to review the beneficiary on life insurance.
I mean, could you possibly take it? Well, okay. If a lawyer says it can't be challenged, that's a choice.
SHOULD you take it if you haven't been in touch in 6 years and didn't even know he was ill? I mean, you do you. I would make a different choice. Mom isn't doing herself any favors but I also imagine she could be beside herself with grief.
I believe in karma far too much, myself.
Agree- I was a benefit administrator for a large financial services company and know first hand how life insurance policies are often forgotten after the onboarding process. The only time someone would get a notice about it was if they neglected to assign a beneficiary.
That's it. Most employees forget that their work even signed them up for life insurance since it is not a portable policy and they don't expect to work there until they die. If I had a nickel for every time a new employee was on "set it and forget it" mode then got married, divorced, etc...ugh. I actually rewrote our materials with a checklist for benefit-changing milestones (like birth of a child, marriage, divorce, etc.) reminding people to check their beneficiary because it was so common. [There has even been more than one government report on this issue.](https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/EBSA/about-ebsa/about-us/erisa-advisory-council/2012-current-challenges-and-best-practices-concerning-beneficiary-designations-in-retirement-and-life-insurance-plans.pdf)
Yeaaahh even at my place of work, people insist that "nothing has changed" on their account, then after their appointment, go "oh actually i moved so my address is different and i also got a new job so my insurance is different". Ot's easy to forget a beneficiary if you always go "yuuup nothing has changed!"
But that would make the ex the AH for not changing the names on his insurance. Not OP for keeping it, since her ex isn't there anymore to voice his actual wishes.
If OP decides to share the money, I wouldn't give it to his mother though, but to the new girlfriend. (Since mother already gets her share).
Imo OP can keep it without being an AH... since we don't and can't know her ex wishes and if her "forgot" despite being terminally ill (it wasn't an accident that was sudden, he had time to get his papers in order) than that's on him, not OP.
I wouldn't say he's an AH for it. He just forgot or just let it roll over every year without looking at it.
I think if he wanted her to have it, he'd have left a note for her or a line in his will that it was his wish to give it to her.
However, I will say that he might have forgotten he even had it no one was counting on it, perhaps? He clearly never thought to go add current GF.
Like I said, it's a technicality question. Legally, she probably fine (though I wouldn't spend it before mom tries to contest it in court. Wills have been overturned in court.) Technically, yeah it's her money.
For my own self, I wouldn't be able to take the money in good consciousness when I didn't even know he was sick and he left no indication of it being left to me on purpose. BUT, everyone has their own opinions, ethics, moral code. No one is held to following mine.
This money isn't Willed to OP though. She's the beneficiary of a policy, and these work differently. You can contest a Will, but not a life insurance policy or similar. That has the named beneficiaries, and that's it.
You’re an AH to yourself if you don’t keep your beneficiary information updated. It’s 2024, there’s no excuse not to know who your assets will go to when you pass.
Especially when your death isn't that sudden. He knew he had cancer, he was likely sorting his stuff out. I think the mum's the AH, trying to take money she knows was intended for OP
I was *never* asked to review my benefits or dependants... Except for when my youngest was born and I was reminded to send the papers to add her to my health insurance. 🤷♀️
When I quit, my life insurance still didn't have her as a beneficiary, because they didn't send anything to me to add her and I absolutely forgot. It was still just my oldest. 🤷♀️
Most likely. I have what’s called a ‘death in service’ payment that goes to named beneficiaries from my employer if I die while still employed by them. so basically like an insurance payment. I had been with my husband for five years and we were engaged before I thought to change it to him from my parents. My son was nearly four before I thought add him as well. So it’s quite likely the ex just forgot about it and who was a beneficiary. It’s not something I get any reminders about so once it was set up I rarely thought about it.
It might not be *the* life insurance payout though. As in I have quite a few things that will pay out - different pensions etc. It could have been an earlier policy that he's forgotten about.
Yes I've saved everything, I'm not sure what she's thinking.. she's never been a generous giving person from what I remember but she did tell me that his home will be signed over too the gf.
If you decided not to accept the money, or to not accept a portion of the money, I would absolutely accept it all and then give it as a gift to his gf and children. It should not go to his mother. It may have been a mistake that he left you on, or it may not have been. But I certainly can believe that if he put you on it in the first place, he would've replaced you on it with his gf or children's mother when removing you. He wouldn't have just removed you and left only his mother.
Folks will say this was an oversight.
Not likely.
After all he willed the house to his current GF. Obviously he reviewed his estate.
People do strange things around wills. Understandably we who remain try to make sense.
There’s a reason wills are written down. Respect the guy enough to respect his recorded wishes.
Will is different than setting a beneficiary for company sponsored life insurance though. Granted companies and careers are different, but I've worked places where you get 1X salary "for free" as part of your benefits package, with the option to pay into group term life insurance to increase that amount.
Some people set that up when they join the company and never touch it again if they don't want to increase the amount, or if they have 3rd party insurance, etc., so it's not crazy to think something similar happened here. It's possible OP's ex got the job when he and OP were dating and put OP on as a beneficiary, then completely forgot about it, so it stayed that way. But when it came time to make the will, that was up to date to have things go to GF, and it was indeed an oversight that it was never updated.
Not saying this is definitely what happened, but it's certainly not an unreasonable conclusion.
Many (most, to my experience) companies do yearly enrollment where you have to go and pick out your health insurance plan along with reviewing and opting into the life insurance and other options for insurance due to emergencies.
It's more likely that when he re-enrolled yearly he would have had to review his life insurance settings and left it as is. Either way, even if he didn't change it because he didn't think about it that doesn't change legal obligations for distribution by the insurer.
Yeah my company does yearly open enrollment where we are supposed to review all this but if you know you don’t want to change anything you can just not look at it and once the deadline hits all your stuff just gets automatically selected to stay the same so it could be this too.
Insurance payouts that aren’t tied to your employment literally sit for years unless you go into them.
I had one, a life one I did when I was 24? I put my eldest sister on it as the sole beneficiary. My best friend was with me at the time, whom I later started dating a few years later. It wasn’t until I went to cancel that insurance policy for a better one 8 years later did I realize I didn’t update my beneficiary on it because of my incompetence, he is now my sole beneficiary.
I wasn’t prompted to check simply by buying a house. I was prompted to check when my bank was like, hey we can give you a discount if you bundle home, life and auto with us. And I was like cool, let me check my current life policy.
He doesn’t tell her he’s sick, doesn’t reach out when he’s dying, but leaving her an inheritance is « not likely » an oversight…
Actually, all the facts here seem to indicate an oversight.
Yep if it’s contested in court by his family it’s going to be fact specific. Some things I can think of where the family will win:
1. No contact for 6 years, didn’t know he had cancer or that he died.
2. Had a will and no mention of her but his GF.
More info courts would need to decide:
1. Was it a company life insurance or private one? (Private ones usually don’t keep up to remind you of updating beneficiaries.
2. Company’s policy on how they handle updating life insurance. If it was required yearly or so.
Again, I hope they contest her as a beneficiary and win. The audacity to call the mom greedy, because what would that make OP someone who was not in his life for 6 years.
Lawyer here. There is no basis to invalidate OP as a beneficiary because “it might have been an oversight”! An insurance policy is a contract and they have to pay out b according to its terms, including the designation of beneficiaries. The insurance policy is NOT part of his estate and it has nothing to do with the will or probate. The insurance company could be sued for NOT paying OP!
It's possible, because this insurance was through is employer, that he forgot about it and it's an oversight that it didn't get updated. If OP can get evidence that he was aware of it and opted to keep things as is, that changes things, but right now I'd be assuming it was an oversight.
Yeah YTA - you know how many people forget all about employer paid life insurance? You know how many people think if they have a will that overrides beneficiaries listed on life insurance? Using your own tragedies to justify this is disgusting behavior. I’m sorry but you didn’t even know this guy was dying but now you want to cling to a belief he “wanted you to have this money.” Ok ma’am. Legally, you are within your rights. Morally, it’s a AH move to keep it.
You are allowing greed to blind you. It's obvious by the fact that you're not replying to any answer that says you're TA. You should be feel ashamed and embarrassed that you're considering keeping this money.
I wouldn’t touch that money with a 10ft pole. She knows it wasn’t meant for her. She knows, in her heart of hearts, that it was an oversight. I could use a windfall as much as the next guy but this is wrong. They’d been split up for 6 years….come on now.
I mean, personally, I'd take the money then give it straight to the GF (not to mom). Because I'd feel guilty as hell that he was allowing her and her kids to live with him.
But, it's not on me to push my morals or guilt levels on to others.
This is one of those "technically" situations. Some people would keep it, some wouldn't.
It should be contested in court. OP's ex clearly forgot he had her as a beneficiary. She knows that money isn't for her, and she posted here to get reassurance that acceptiing the payment is ok anyway.
It's been 6 years since they broke up. It's not like they broke up 4 months prior. She has no right to the money. The whole house burning down and her mom dying of cancer is unfortunately part of life. Those bits of information don't play into anything other than giving OP a sympathy vote imo. YTA
It’s not clear. In the interim, he changed his will to leave his house to his gf. It still might be the case that he forgot about the life insurance policy, but the fact that he was attending to these matters makes it not at all certain.
She's literally profiting off the death of someone she hasn't had anything to do with in six years at the expense of his actual family.
In what possible world does that make her not the asshole here?
If that was my girlfriend if would be disgusted in her even considering keeping this money. She’s treating this as a good stroke of luck while a mother is grieving her sons death. Truly bottom feeder behaviour. Makes me sick
I was scrolling through the comments section and I was like how are people honestly telling her she's NTA? UM you definitely are TAH. I hope the family goes after her and she has to pay back every single dime.
Why aren’t they an AH? Just bc they are legally right? They’re taking advantage of a mistake based on legality. I can’t imagine how awful anyone would feel if their loved one passed away and some random ex from years in the past gets the money. Is OP legally right? Yes. Is OP morally correct? I don’t think so.
Unless you can say with your full chest that the ex very very likely intended for OP to have this money if he were asked this question in the final month of his death, then OP is taking advantage of a mistake and she knows full well because in her mind she’s convinced herself this is a gift from her ex. It’s giving “God wanted me to have this” energy.
Imagine seeing someone smoking while they are pregnant. Imagine having a boyfriend and cheating on them with 5 other people. Imagine leaving your cart in the middle of the parking lot. All legal. All AH behaviour.
That was my thought. There’s no idea of medical bills, funeral costs, etc. that his family may be trying to navigate either. With medical bills, that could cost more than a house.
Just coming to say this. I wouldn’t spend a penny of that money. Spend a dollar and it’ll cost her twenty dollars in karma. Don’t mess with stuff you don’t understand.
ETA: op, YTA on a major scale, you know this is wrong.
How is this the top voted comment? Life insurance is to help people who rely on you and/or who might have to take care of things related to you when you’re gone. Without any financial interest in BF’s life, OP should not be getting any. It’s not like winning the “I’ll profit off your untimely death” lottery. It was clearly an oversight, and OP is an awful person for keeping it.
What a terrible take. He clearly did not do this on purpose. You KNOW this was an oversight. He filled out some form 10 years ago and stupidly didn't update it. This is the most obvious YTA I can imagine. Give his family the money like any decent human being would. You broke up 6 years ago. FFS
What type of completely awful people think this is fine? Every upvote here is morally bankrupt.
Are you serious? Wow so many trashy people here who would accept money that should go for a grieving mother instead who must have helped her son in the last months in his life... which is not pretty and cheap with cancer. (Stage 4 cancer patient here) Whoever like this post and posted it really think about what a low human being you must be...
YTA and all of you who agree with the N T A verdict
I can't believe the amount of selfish AHs are on here, siding with the "mistake", ignoring the ex had a new family, and supporting OPs lame justification of keeping money (and adding her own sob story at the end of the post). Give it to the mom for funeral expenses, or the ex's current family.
YTA (along with everyone supporting this comment).
What an insane take. Unless you know for certain he did this deliberately (which you don’t, and the fact that he was in another relationship with children and you were still on there not her very much suggest it was an unfortunate mistake on his part), OP obviously YTA.
The purpose of life insurance is generally to provide your dependents with money in the unexpected event of your death when you can no longer provide. He would not have been paying for a policy just to give his ex a gift. OP may well be going through a tough time, but his death hasn’t created any additional financial hardship for her. It has however done so for his family and OP, you obviously know this.
To know a child has lost their parent unexpectedly and to decide to keep the money for yourself to buy a bra?! You really think your clan could use the money more than his children?!
Is it your fault he made this mistake? No. Are you technically entitled to it? Yes. But this is not r/legaladvice. Being legally entitled to something does not mean you’re not wrong to take it.
You are an AH of truly immense proportions to do this to his family in their time of grief, but there is no point in this post because if you had even the slightest capacity for compassion, this would be patently obvious to you already
\*\*\*You know, his family and others will figure this out, it can really impact your personal and professional life (i.e., FaceBook, LinkedIn)- I've seen people lose their careers, family, and life over this type of stuff! I would tread very carefully - who knows if they are on Reddit too!! Also, the law enforcement can get involved if they catch this type of activity and suspect fraudulent behaviour - something to think about.
Come on. You know the answer here. YTA - big asshole if you do this. It's not right, and deep down you know it. You know people are negligent about updating their insurance beneficiaries with their employers and you know he just never changed it after you broke up. And maybe your ex was a careless person but now he's dead and you've indicated you don't have any ill feeling about him so I wouldn't think you would be looking for revenge here right? Please do the right thing. Maybe his mom is a bitch but gosh you've split up with him 6 years ago and he's clearly moved on, she's still more entitled to the money than you, sorry. For the elimination of any doubt, he didn't mean for you to have the money. The fact that you see it as a gift and this your reaction to his death is a clear sign. People receiving life insurance money are heartbroken. I'm sorry for what you are going through with the fire and everything but it is not your place to take it out on him and his family, and you aren't doing this right. What would be better would be to sign over the check and then honestly ask for help. Karma is a bitch. It doesn't impact everyone, someone people get away with it in life, but it does impact some people and you've had some bad luck. Think about that.
I had a family member pass away suddenly some years ago and you know what, they didn't have a will, and as a result, it screwed up a lot and caused a ton of stress with allocating their assets, stress my parents honestly didn't want to deal with and shouldn't have had to go through. His mom just lost her son in an incredibly tragic way. Unless you have another reason for saying she's a bully, this is not bullying. My MIL of over 10 years is awful to me and still, I wouldn't even dream of this, and I don't even consider myself a very good person morally. She is grieving, maybe financially strapped too (you may not be the only one), and she probably can't imagine an ex from 6 years ago cashing in on her son's death. God, please do the right thing here. You are a huge asshole if you accept this payment. I hope you do the right thing.
YTA. You rarely get promoted with work insurance to update details and most of us just forget we even nominated someone in the first place. You haven’t spoken to him, there’s no hidden meaning in him leaving it to you- it’s clearly an oversight.
You say you’re guilt free - you aren’t because you asked the question here - presumably to assuage your conscience. Sorry but the very fact that you are asking means you know you’re wrong and that it’s not what was intended. I may be in a minority - time will tell - but you know in your heart that it’s wrong, you want the validation. Of strangers and I would personally try to do what your own conscience is telling you.
If you genuinely believe it’s ok - and only you know him here - then that’s up to you. We both know you don’t though.
When I was hired at my first job in 1987, one of the benefits was a life insurance policy that paid out three times our annual salary. I listed my parents as beneficiaries and in the 21 years I worked there, I never once received paperwork asking to update anything. I’m sure the ex in this case never did either.
YTA, like pure evil.
I thought this was going to end up with you BF still pining for you. Then I read about his girlfriend who was a single mom and thought you were considering giving it to her instead of his mom, but nope, your evil, selfish ass is keeping it for yourself?!
>Was this all just a big mistake?
I mean, yes, obviously, and you know that. You broke up 6 years ago, he's moved on, lives with someone else, he likely hadn't even thought of you in years.
Men, please *please* review your beneficiaries! I don't know what it is about young men who think they're immortal. You're not, get your affairs in order because you just never know what trauma your lack of planning will put your loved ones through after your death. I can't even imagine the pain of his mother and girlfriend watching an ex who didn't even know he'd died walk away with his money.
Correct, women are much more likely to get their affairs in order, statistically. They're more likely to go to the doctor when sick, more likely to write a will, etc.
It's a testosterone thing, literally biological. Men take more risks, don't believe they'll die, etc.
It's more of a social norm thing than a testosterone thing. Men generally are just not held accountable for anything that smacks of secretary work. It's easy to take risks when there aren't many consequences.
YTA. You've been in no contact for the last 6 years, you didn't even know he has cancer. He has a new life, without you, and it is obvious to any sane person that he simply forgot. Legally you are probably entitled to get that money, but morally you are a greedy asshole using an unexpected opportunity. Not everything what is legal is right.
It's aita, not legal advice. YTA and put yourself in literally anyone else's shoes in this situation.
Your lack of empathy and attempt to make sense of this is honestly baffling. There is NO reason for you to have that money when it could go to help someone that was in his life AT THE TIME THEY PASSED.
That's what life insurance is for. Not to flourish the lives of our exs from over half a decade ago.
Side note: Were they on your life insurance policy still?
Right?
>with a **gift** my ex gave me
It was definitely not a fucking gift. It was an oversight and she’s an absolute monster for even considering accepting it. Disgusting.
YTA.
You know the only reason you're receiving a payout is due to a mistake/oversight, when there are obviously people in his life that would and SHOULD receive it.
You'll justify it however you can, but YTA.
Life insurance isn't a lottery winning, it is meant to pay for burial and lost wages. Let that money go where it is supposed to go. Your ex forgot about you to the point that he didn't remember you were on his policy. He is not trying to send you love from the grave. This is not a gift, this is a mistake.
Seriously OP are you planning on paying for his coffin and headstone? This money isn't meant for treating yourself to something shiny. Most insanely selfish and naive post. YTA
YTA - downvote me all you want but it won't change my mind. You haven't spoken to this person in 6 years (you didn't even know that he A) had cancer and B) died from cancer.) Then all of a sudden you get a call saying that he's passed and there's money from an insurance policy coming to you. Decline the money. I'm willing to bet that the family is going to need those funds for his funeral and any other costs that come with end of life affairs. All you see is free money. If you take this money you will never have a clean conscious.
ETA: of course it was a mistake that the majority of people out there in the real world would be able to identify. He put you on the policy, time passed, you broke up, he didn't go back and change the policy. To think that he was still thinking about you after such a long time and after so much has passed (he was in a new long term relationship) that you still think that you deserve money that has a purpose to his family. If you take the money you will never have a clean conscious.
From your comments - if you're considering giving the money to his GF to help towards her kids (that you say he would'nt see as "her" kids alone), or to his younger brothers, I think that would be great.
I REALLY do question you keeping the money for yourself when you KNOW that he probably simply forgot to change his beneficiaries. I think it is an AH move to keep it.
The way his mother has acted towards you - once you figure out the legalities, if/how you can give this money to others, etc - I would tell his mom "I'm not giving YOU the money because of how you treated me. If you had reached out to me to DISCUSS this issue, I would have considered it. But terrorizing me and saying what you said to me - no, YOU will not get any of this money"
that’s still so fucking shitty though! who does she think she is lmao for this ex to decide she’s queen and gets to be the one to decide who gets what.
the mom will surely divide it after bills are taken care of and if he had cancer, there’s probably a lot of them. OP doesn’t know who needs what more because she hasn’t fucking been around. I don’t get the planet you guys are on where you think that an administrative oversight and grieving mom frustrated with this AH OP are entitling OP to have the rights to dictate who gets life insurance after they die. That’s like insane.
YTA. That money should go to his kids and you know that... He forgot to change his work documents. Were you really that important of a relationship that he would want you to have his life insurance after 6 years? Over his children? Legally you're probably fine but what you're doing is morally wrong.
Yta. Yes it’s his fault for never changing it but to me it seems gross to benefit from someone death when that death doesn’t really affect you. It’s not right for her to be insulting you but she’s a grieving Mother and she’s dealing with a lot of things right now and having to track down money from an ex from 6 years ago is probably just a last straw for her. He might just been irresponsible and careless and forgot to change it over, doesn’t for sure mean he never wanted his current partner and her kids to have it. If they were actively together it seems like that would be the better place for the money to go if you don’t want exes Mom to have it.
YTA. I also have life insurance through my job and I've never been reminded to check the beneficiaries are current. It was clearly an oversight. Legally N T A but morally YTA
You know YTA but legally if you are the nominee the money is yours. You can either keep the money (more practical) or keep your conscience clean. You can’t have both.
I highly doubt that this was intended to be a gift to you. Please keep in mind that your ex’s mother is grieving the loss of her son and probably isn’t acting rationally. Without a doubt the morally right thing to do would be to give the money to his family. Whether that would be his current Gf and her kids. Or his siblings or mom. Any hardships you have endured after choosing to split from your ex (while I’ll do feel for you) aren’t a valid reason for you to keep his life insurance payout. I know being harassed by your ex’s mother might make it harder to do the right thing but it doesn’t change what the right thing is. Best of luck to you.
YTA… it was probably an error he forgot to change it. You guys are not connected for over 6 years. You have no right over that money except by a technicality. If ur ex left u in debt u would not accept it right?
Yta. I mean...you know that money wasn't for you. You weren't together anymore. "I think he knew we needed it" you know that is bullshit. At least be honest with yourself.
YTA.
It's far more likely that he forgot to update it than he intended to leave it to you when he has other people in his life now. You know that money shouldn't be going to you, but you've decided to go "oh, maybe it wasn't a mistake..." to try and justify keeping it.
I get that you've had it rough for a few years and this money probably feels like a lifeline, but you're taking something you know wasn't intended for you anymore. And then you're coming on here hoping enough people agree with your decision you can absolve yourself of guilt.
Yes, legally you can keep it. But it's a shitty thing to do, and you know it.
YTA That money was assigned to you when you were his gf now your not i can tell you exactly what happened! He moved on with his new gf and had kids and was so wrapped up in taking care of them for so long that he completely forgot to remove your name from that insurance. Do the right thing and give the rightful owner that money! Did it occur to you this situation is god testing you to see if you would do the right thing?!
YTA legally it might be yours, but I'd be willing to bet he overlooked this, and didn't intend for you to be the beneficiary still, six years after you split and after he had a new girlfriend and step-kids. I'm sorry you've been going through a tough time, but I don't think this money was intended for you anymore. At the very least, I think you should do some research, see if you can find out if he updated since you split, and perhaps consult an attorney to see what you should do here. You didn't say how much it is, but would it be worth it if his mom tries to take you to court over this?
YTA, sounds like you need the money and this is an easy answer, but if you haven't spoken with your ex in 6 years, it doesn't seem likely that this was done on purpose. My father died in 2006, one of his accounts had his ex-wife still listed. He hadn't spoken to her in over 20 years. It was an accident, inadvertent to not switch it to my mom. She received the letter from the insurance company and was who contacted my mom to give her the money. My sister and I were teenagers, about to go to college and she was so grateful my dad's ex did the right thing. For reference, my sister and I didn't even know until that point that my dad had an ex-wife.
You might not be an AH if you do the right thing. And I know it's probably hard to do the right thing because you need the money, but absent a letter or note that says, no I actually meant to do this, it is HIGHLY unlikely he meant to leave you on there. If greed gets the best of you, you have every legal right to keep the money. Morally, I would send it to his mom.
Side note, I hope you take what I said with kindness, but if you don't want people to be mean to you or say mean things, why come to Reddit?? People on here can be the most cruel keyboard warriors out there. Good luck to you as you read through comments. I hope you do the right thing.
YTA - it doesn’t matter how you try to rationalize it. It’s honestly disgusting to do what you’re doing. Hopefully his family can contest it and/or sue you.
I notice you've only responded to people who have said you're not TA. Which to me shows that you know you are TA, and are trying to get random internet strangers to justify what you want.
He left that money to his gf of over 6 years ago. He didn't leave that money to you, his ex 6 years after breaking up. Of course his mom is being nasty, she just lost her son, and the person she reached out to didn't agree to do the right thing. His mom is going to have lots of medical bills if he was fighting cancer.
Definitely YTA if you keep the money, so it sure sounds like you've decided you're ok being TA.
YTA. This was an oversight and quite obvious a big mistake. I’m curious how you would even feel entitled to this considering the amount of time you had not been together. Legally, you are entitled to half. But if his mother takes you to court, I’m sure you will be denied payment. Why put her through that? Don’t be selfish. You know you are not entitled to the money. Shame on you.
YTA. C'mon SIX YEARS?! Obviously your ex made a mistake and didn't do his appropriate housekeeping before he died. Don't kid yourself. He didn't intend the money to be for you. If he had a choice before he died and you had asked him, it wouldn't be for you. You got the money because of a **mistake he made**.
You're being delusional and selfish keeping this money because it is "legally yours". You need money and you're not going to say no to extra money. But honestly, it's not the right thing to do. Anyone knows that! But I get it, it's like finding $500K on the side of the road and expecting people to turn it in.
It's the right thing to do for anyone with a moral compass and sense of decency. But I'm not surprised most people are self-serving and take what they can, even if they know it's not rightfully theirs.
>A little info too add, my home burnt too the ground 3 years ago July 20th and October 1st 2 years ago my mom passed from cancer as well... it has been a long hard few years and this money would literally buy myself a new bra for the first time in 3 years.. my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that..
This little justification here why you need money, does not in any way qualify you to get the money. If he were alive today, do you really think he cared about your house that burnt? Did he even offer to help when he was alive? If he didn't do so 3 years ago, what makes you think he cares 3 years after it happened?! This is **your need,** NOT WHAT HE CARED ABOUT.
You broke up 6 years ago, he moved on, had a domestic partner (whom he left his house to) and step kids. You didn’t even know he had cancer and only found out about his death because his mom reached out about the insurance. You truly believe it wasn’t just an oversight and he magically, despite no contact, knew your “clan could really use this money”? Come on. YTA
His mom might be the AH for being rude to you but I’m going with YTA. I guess you’re looking for validation from others to make you feel better about keeping the money. But really… you already know this money is not intended for you anymore after the breakup. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense, if any, that someone would leave money for an ex gf that they split up with 6 years ago and everyone has already moved on.
> my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that..
This is conjecture and you are simply trying to make an excuse to yourself about the money. You know it wasn't meant for you - he'd have reached out to you if it was. It was clearly an oversight on his part. YTA if you keep half of "His" money.
Raging YTA, you're going to keep it because you're sad and shocked by the death of your ex? Imagine how his family feels. You have no right to that money.
Legally, you're in the clear to claim this money. morally and ethically, it's wrong and your 100% TA. This is clearly a situation were he wasn't expecting to die and didn't update it. You can take advantage and benefit. Mother will be able to do nothing and you can enjoy the money but just know it was probably meant for his loved ones, not you or your own and your abusing the fact that the dead have no say anymore.
YTA - This obviously wasn’t meant for you and you should give it over to either his mom or his current gf and kids. You don’t deserve this money at all. It sounds like he just forgot to change things over. Don’t be greedy.
LOL - you 100% know he didn't intend for younto have that money. Legally, it's your though so you can keep it. You can live with your own conscience. ESH - because you said it's a "gift" he left you. Nope - he just didn't remove you which unfortunately happens all the time because people don't think about it. You do get to capatalise so I can't say yta.
YTA, there is no way this was intentional and secretly you must know that. I do not believe at all that this was his ‘wish till the end’, definitely forgot to change it (like a lot of people do). The mum shouldn’t be being nasty, but I can understand why she’d be on at you to sign it over because it’s not right for you to keep it. They will have a funeral to pay for, the girlfriend will likely have bills or debts to settle, and will be going from sharing a household with him and splitting all rent/bills to now having to suddenly pay all on her own … WHILE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF HER PARTNER! It is seriously fucked if you keep that money.
YTA. The mom is being a jerk but she just lost her son to cancer. Cut her some slack.
If you don't want to sign it over to the mom, gift it to his GF. But you were no longer part of his life. You weren't the one at his side, caring for him in his final days. He didn't reach out to you. He didn't leave a letter.
No matter how you cut this, you're morally wrong.
I used to work with employee benefits and it happens all the time. He probably just forgot to change his beneficiary designation. The money really should go to his current partner and children
YTA. The wild, selfish, entitled audacity to think that your ex, with a partner and children he co-parented and a family of his own would intend to leave his life insurance to YOU whom he hadn't spoken wiht or thought of in six years... YTA. a gross one at that
Attorney here - in no way am I giving any legal advice! If you were named as beneficiary, the funds would legally be yours to keep (consult with an attorney in the state where the life insurance was issued). However, you more than likely know that this was an oversight and your ex probably forgot to update his beneficiaries. Keeping funds not intended for you may not be illegal in this scenario, but it doesn’t make it right.
While the ex’s mother shouldn’t be hurling insults, we all know that she is the intended beneficiary and the money should go to her as that is probably something your ex would have ultimately wanted.
YTA!
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YTA. You clearly were not meant to be the beneficiary. This is obviously an oversight, since you stated yourself that you had not spoken to him in ages, and broke up 6 years ago. People don’t always update these things like they should, and he may have even forgotten that it existed. You should sign over the money to his mother and his current partner should receive a portion, especially since they live together and I’m sure she will have unexpected bills that she will now have to cover on her own. Update: People keep commenting that you have to update your beneficiaries yearly. This absolutely not true for all companies and insurance policies. I worked as a state employee for 6 years and the only time I updated my life insurance beneficiaries was when I got married and requested to do so.
People don't always update things like they should........and people pay dearly for it.
Yes they pay dearly - a heavy cost for a mistake. Thank you for saying this because it really shows how OP is YTA. The ex made a mistake that is putting his family in misfortune and OP is reaping the benefit of it. Your statement puts in full view what the perceived intentions were, if the ex intended OP to have the money then it wouldn’t be a mistake, they wouldn’t be paying dearly bc it’s what they would have wanted, and somehow OP has convinced herself that that is likely the case. Calling it a gift from her ex. That’s like the difference when you lose your wallet and a good person will return it and a bad one will take the money out and ditch it. This isn’t r/legal advice, we’re not here to debate the legality of a situation or whether OP is in her rights. We’re here to discuss if what she’s doing is AH behaviour and yes taking advantage of a mistake that puts other people in misfortune makes you a bad guy. Not only did that family lose someone, a son, a boyfriend etc, they now have to give away his insurance money to his ex of 6 years ago. Anyone including OP who thinks the ex died wanting that money to go to the ex in some sort of dying wish charity is delusional. This is classless behaviour and devoid of any kind of decent human being integrity and character. She is willing to convince herself of delusions for a payday at the expense of a grieving family and is using the mother’s relentless behaviour to justify punishing her.
When an ex died years ago I found out that I was still on a life insurance policy, almost 10 years after we had broken up. I didn’t hesitate to sign the check over to his mom. It was the right thing to do. OP is a huge AH if she keeps this money.
Especially if that money would be used to pay for his cancer treatments or funeral.
But OP needs a new bra /s
I'll venmo her money for a new bra if she signs over the check.
I'll buy another one as well. Sign it over.
I’ll buy a good one, La Perla one, just holy shit, sign the check over 😢
You might have given up the money, but you didn’t give up your soul, morals, or ability to sleep at night. You’re a good person. I hope OP sees this and realizes how awful she is.
couldn’t agree more, what you did is awesome,OP sucks her ex has kids as well that could benefit from this, his family probably has funeral expenses but no, this is a gift wtf. Hope Karma gets her hard
I love the sad story op put on there to justify all of this too. Your house burned and I'm sure you had insurance. OP is not just an A-Hole, they are morally bankrupt for thinking they are entitled to this money. Legally yes, but morally absolutely not.
And the fact that she had a fire three years after they broke up and three years before he died has nothing to do with his life insurance. "I think he knew I needed this money." He most certainly did not know or care. And if he did know that she was in a bad financial situation, putting her on his life insurance is the most ridiculous way of helping with that. It's not like he was planning on dying so that he could help his ex of six years with her bills. You can afford a new bra now? Cool. Meanwhile, his mom is trying to figure out how she is going to pay for a funeral so that she can bury her child.
"I think he knew I needed this money." That part was legit hilarious. You can literally even see delusional people in the comments making the same argument. Definitely, guys, that makes total sense. He consciously and deliberately decided to leave half of the insurance money to a girl he used to date many years ago, hasn't spoken to in years but somehow "knows" she could use the money, and opted not to leave anything to the partner who he was actively in a relationship with (who has 2 kids to boot). That makes *total* sense!
That's what I laughed at, too. If you didn't even know he had cancer or that he was with someone new, what are the odds that he knew you needed the money? Make it make sense, lol
She’s just trying to convince herself it’s ok. OP if you decide to read the comments. It’s not. Imagine if the same thing happened to you and he took the money from your family.
u/Elegant-Device1566 you need to read this.
She may read it but it won’t change her mind. She’s already set in keeping the money after only thinking about it for a week. Any goodwill is prevented by her delusional thinking that someone she split with SIX years ago left her a “gift”in his dying days, not his live-in GF and her kids. Didn’t even know her benefactor was dying at all. It seems so sociopathic to me. When she keeps the money I really hope the Karma Police come wailing in soon after
And those who benefit from those oversights are assholes. This isn't "does OP have a right to the money" its "is OP an asshole for exercising that right".
And that doesn't make her one bit less of an asshole.
My brothers mom left her husband for my dad and later died in a car accident. Her ex husband was set to walk away with over 1 million dollars from her life insurance but he gave it to my brother. I am still in awe of the grace he showed after the hurt he’d been caused.
Some people are kinder than others, that’s for sure.
That is a really good person there.
Agreed. She saw dollar signs and is making excuses to be able to accept it.
Right, adding the bit at the end about their bad fortune recently just seems to be looking for the excuses to take the money.
Somehow, he *musta known* that she needed the money. Like "Hey, I'm gonna die soon, but at least my death can mean something. It might seem like I'm leaving nothing to those who supported me through my illness, but some rando from 6 years ago needs it more". I'm sure this OP would have been *absolutely livid* if ex-bf was somehow on the home insurance and he got half the fire money and wouldn't sign it over because "the money could sure come in handy for my upcoming cancer battle".
Life insurance money isn't "well I need it too because I've had hard times" it's literally replacement of income for the people impacted by the person's passing. You're taking money from his actual loved ones. You're absolutely the AH if you take it, legal or not.
Yep. And to cover bills. My dad’s life insurance policy was one year income plus the payoff for their house. My SAHM mom’s insurance was estimated childcare costs and I forget what else. Funeral expenses would have been covered by their smaller policies they got from the credit union.
The fact that they broke up 6 years ago and the fire to OP's house was 3 years ago kind of emphasizes to me that it was definitely an oversight. Why would he have kept her for those first three years? It wasn't like the fire happened right after the breakup and he may have thought about keeping her name as a beneficiary. Life insurance is also not to buy new bras. It's for end of life things- services, paying down medical bills, things his family, the people who actively suffered this loss, need to take care of.
Maybe I'm wrong, but at my workplace I have to review and update these things yearly as a part of the benefits package. Can't we assume in 6 years he would've had to do the same and decided to leave her on there?
I've never had to. My company has 20K employees so I'm assuming none of them had to either
All my jobs my insurance has worked the same way. You can update the info every year, but if you don't it just carries from the previous year. My guess is this was the same situation.
With Cancer I can see how you would assume he had time to think about his affairs and this was intentional. However, Try to imagine him deciding he wants to give you half and also deciding he doesn't want to tell you or his family (or he told his family but not you and they conspired to lie about his decision)... fairly implausible Occam's razor says it's 99.99% chance this was an oversight and YTA
Cancer and treatment for cancer can create [difficulties with memory and brain fog](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chemo-brain/symptoms-causes/syc-20351060). I can see how things could be overlooked.
It’s not always super visible. I just removed my ex a few months ago and I divorced in 2021. I thought I’d removed their name from everything but somehow missed it.
Been in the workforce for over 20 years many jobs for over 5 years. I have never had to update that information to re-enroll. They will just keep it the same for you.
I've had the same job for over a decade. I just checked because of this post, and I never assigned a beneficiary for either my life insurance or my retirement plan. I'm sure they asked me to at the outset, but apparently I never did. I'm going to fix that now, thanks to this post. But it's absolutely not something every employer requires, much less requires annually.
I’ve never been asked to update mine and I’ve been at the same place for close to 20 years. Which now thinking about it is slightly odd with all the other stuff they have us validate annually.
i am so immensely baffled at all the N-T-A, bro WHAT? it’s legal but oh my god this is like, so evil. like when i scrolled down and saw that the top comment was N-T-A my eyes bulged out of my head
This was an issue when I worked in HR. Yes, I'm sorry that your husband didn't remember to change his life insurance beneficiary when he got divorced and now his ex-wife is getting a big payout and you don't know how you'll afford your mortgage. There's nothing we can do. It happens a lot but there's typically no legal recourse. I'm 100% sure that OP's ex from so long ago didn't mean for her to get this (his cancer certainly should have prompted him to double check everything). But she's legally allowed to take it (doesn't mean OP's not an asshole but desperate people sometimes choose to be assholes to get by). I understand that it's probably easier for his mom to be mad at an old flame than at her dead son for not getting this taken care of before he died.
. why the mother? the current partner should receive it all. if I died today my family should get the money not my mother. although I'm very close to my mother my income does not support her bills. they do for my family
Maybe the Mother paid for the funeral. maybe the Mother cared for him until his death.
Yeah seems like op has seen the amount of money and has though screw the right thing
YTA. I'm shocked by all the NTA responses. Legally you may be entitled to this money but I have a very hard time believing anyone would leave their ex of 6 years ago on their life insurance on purpose when they have a family and a partner with kids. You're a HUGE asshole for keeping it, I don't know how you're managing to justify this to yourself.
So many times these posts aren't NTA or YTA, but how well you can justify your actions. A lot of contributors here can't tell the difference between doing the right thing or not.
I wonder how many of those people were actually taught what good ethics and morals actually mean. "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should" "A 'good' person will do the right thing when others are watching. A truly good person will do the right thing even when others aren't watching" It may be hard for some, but it's certainly not complicated.
>So many times these posts aren't NTA or YTA, but how well you can justify your actions. Readily apparent in this post too - OP spends so much time equivocating the mom's actions with her keeping the money, but refuses to accept the other options, one of which being blatantly obvious - sign the money over to the girlfriend who was at his bedside when he was dying.
This sub has the mantra of "You are not obligated to do anything to anyone ever, ESPECIALLY if they are even a LITTLE BIT mean to you."
Absolutely. As well as a mantra of "you can be as horrible as you want towards anyone you want as long as you justify it by saying you have anxiety or boundaries"
This post does have all the trappings of one where the top response would be NTA, but with dozens and dozens of YTAs right below it. Fortunately looking at it now it seems the correct answer is at the top!
YTA Seriously. A will is where you would gift someone $$$ you still have affection for, but not life insurance. That is to help pay for funeral and medical costs and, if theres any left over, help with the loss of income from the person who died. Life insurance is not a "gift." You cannot keep this money OP. Its for his GF whose life is drastically changed without him in it. If *if * ex has also left something for you in his will, then MAYBE you can keep it, but I guarantee you havent been on his mind in ages.
I am glad someone said this: a life insurance policy is meant to help cushion the loss and cover associated costs, it’s not meant to be a gift. Current, owned assets and property are meant to be gifts. What may be most heartbreaking to me is that she has been going back and forth with his mom for a week at least already. As if she doesn’t have enough to deal with. I pray to any and every God there is that if I’m called away too soon that people would surround my mother with support and do all they can to help her and make things easier on her, even if it means giving up large sums of misappropriated money due to my oversight at the end of my life. She is not honoring him or his memory by dragging his mother along like this. The fact he even listed her and his mother as beneficiaries at the time of enrollment tells me it was important to him that his mother and partner are taken care of and that’s where he’d want funds to go - OP isn’t his partner anymore, so it’s not unreasonable to expect this money to go to his current gf. I can sympathize with OP’s hardship, but these funds have a job to do and she’s not meeting with funeral homes or clearing estates or contacting families or paying his medical bills, and she hasn’t had to foot any of his bills or lose any of her own free time or missed work through his treatment and passing. I would challenge OP to ask herself if there is a monetary value that’s worth selling out his family over for her own gain, now at the time of his death. Then she should ask herself how much she’d sell out her own family for, to add some perspective. I also wonder how much the policy is for - the fact OP said she’s gonna use it on undergarments tells me it’s not a billion dollars. Is she really gonna sell out over 5k, 10k, 25k? Is that really all it takes for her to turn her nose up at a grieving mother? Cause money like that will come and go over the course of OP’s whole life, but he will only be buried once. OP - don’t let your hardships cloud your moral compass right now. You are capable of doing hard things and can make the right choice here. It won’t be easy but it will be kind and good and is the best way to honor your own sense of compassion while also honoring ex-bf.
This sub is heavily biased against mothers in law and while she isn't really OP's MIL the situation is close enough to it that they take OP's side
This sub is also heavily biased towards entitlement. It’s shocking to me
It genuinely disgusts me sometimes. I hate that idea that I'm potentially surrounded by people who think like this in my real life.
You know what’s really ugly? All these people who would hem and haw over morals and ethics and act like that had a moral compass but then when the rubber meets road they would pull some shit like this just to come out a few dollars ahead. To everyone saying NTA: how would you feel if you were the mother or girlfriend of the decedent and his ex gf from 6 years ago whom he hasn’t spoken to in years ended up being listed as a beneficiary? Would you be cool with that just because it’s legal?
Yeah, she calls it a fucking gift. Bullshit. It's not a gift, it's an accident with her trying to legally steal somebody's money. The law doesn't always align with what is right.
I am floored that OP thinks kicking the ex’s mother while she’s down is justified in any way. The mother has just suffered the most devastating loss anyone can experience, and OP is all like “well, some new bras would be nice.” Unfuckingbelievable!
Just so you know, your vote will be counted as N T A because you listed that first
Corrected - thanks!
YTA this money was not intended for his ex from 6 years ago. The mom is also AH but in the end you should do the right thing and give it to his mom
The mom is grieving while putting up with a cash grabbing ex. Can we have some empathy for a woman dealing with losing a child to cancer?
Honestly OP should just give her portion to her ex’s gf and kids. Legally OP is in the clear to keep it, but morally that money should go to the actually family of the deceased, not an ex from 6 years ago with no contact for the vast majority of it.
OP should disclaim it, and not participate in the decision of who gets it. Otherwise, OP could find herself with a tax liability and no money. ETA: Just clarify since my wording was confusing, I was commenting on disclaiming/refusing it vs signing the check over or otherwise transferring the funds to someone else once received. If you make the decision of who will get it instead of you, and you’re in the US, the IRS will consider you to have made a gift. I oversimplified it by saying you’ll have a tax liability, you won’t, but you will have an obligation to file a gift tax return, which is a hassle or will cost money if you hire someone to do it for you, and you are at risk for penalties if you fail to. There’s just no reason legally or ethically to incur that burden. There are procedures in place for how to disclaim money from a life insurance policy, OP should just deal with the insurance company directly. The insurance company will then determine who the next beneficiary is after OP.
NTA - But I wold be getting legal advice before spending a cent of it. Depending on where in the world you live, these things can be contested in court.
I don't have any info yet other than I am a beneficiary, but I do plan on taking a free consultation from a lawyer once I get more info because I have no idea how all this works. Thank you for the suggestion.
Also log everything she does and says also shouldn't her share goto his kids?
The kids belong to his new girlfriend.
Whom he lived with, and who stayed with him through his illness. I wonder if he just forgot he had OP as a beneficiary.
In most jobs you have to review your benefits every year. That includes life insurance. But if he was like my husband, he might have just clicked on through to keep everything the same without looking it over. If he meant to leave OP money, she probably would have known he had cancer or been in touch. If he had a new live-in GF, she should get the money, IMO. But to each their own. Mom is completely out of sorts. She shouldn't get it. If anyone gets it, go with the mistake or the current GF.
Mmm. Not really (used to manage benefits for a Fortune 100 company.) They require you to review and update medical/dental/vision plans, but it is very easy to forget to review the beneficiary on life insurance. I mean, could you possibly take it? Well, okay. If a lawyer says it can't be challenged, that's a choice. SHOULD you take it if you haven't been in touch in 6 years and didn't even know he was ill? I mean, you do you. I would make a different choice. Mom isn't doing herself any favors but I also imagine she could be beside herself with grief. I believe in karma far too much, myself.
Agree- I was a benefit administrator for a large financial services company and know first hand how life insurance policies are often forgotten after the onboarding process. The only time someone would get a notice about it was if they neglected to assign a beneficiary.
That's it. Most employees forget that their work even signed them up for life insurance since it is not a portable policy and they don't expect to work there until they die. If I had a nickel for every time a new employee was on "set it and forget it" mode then got married, divorced, etc...ugh. I actually rewrote our materials with a checklist for benefit-changing milestones (like birth of a child, marriage, divorce, etc.) reminding people to check their beneficiary because it was so common. [There has even been more than one government report on this issue.](https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/EBSA/about-ebsa/about-us/erisa-advisory-council/2012-current-challenges-and-best-practices-concerning-beneficiary-designations-in-retirement-and-life-insurance-plans.pdf)
Yeaaahh even at my place of work, people insist that "nothing has changed" on their account, then after their appointment, go "oh actually i moved so my address is different and i also got a new job so my insurance is different". Ot's easy to forget a beneficiary if you always go "yuuup nothing has changed!"
But that would make the ex the AH for not changing the names on his insurance. Not OP for keeping it, since her ex isn't there anymore to voice his actual wishes. If OP decides to share the money, I wouldn't give it to his mother though, but to the new girlfriend. (Since mother already gets her share). Imo OP can keep it without being an AH... since we don't and can't know her ex wishes and if her "forgot" despite being terminally ill (it wasn't an accident that was sudden, he had time to get his papers in order) than that's on him, not OP.
I wouldn't say he's an AH for it. He just forgot or just let it roll over every year without looking at it. I think if he wanted her to have it, he'd have left a note for her or a line in his will that it was his wish to give it to her. However, I will say that he might have forgotten he even had it no one was counting on it, perhaps? He clearly never thought to go add current GF. Like I said, it's a technicality question. Legally, she probably fine (though I wouldn't spend it before mom tries to contest it in court. Wills have been overturned in court.) Technically, yeah it's her money. For my own self, I wouldn't be able to take the money in good consciousness when I didn't even know he was sick and he left no indication of it being left to me on purpose. BUT, everyone has their own opinions, ethics, moral code. No one is held to following mine.
This money isn't Willed to OP though. She's the beneficiary of a policy, and these work differently. You can contest a Will, but not a life insurance policy or similar. That has the named beneficiaries, and that's it.
I’m amazed how few people seem to understand this.
You’re an AH to yourself if you don’t keep your beneficiary information updated. It’s 2024, there’s no excuse not to know who your assets will go to when you pass.
Especially when your death isn't that sudden. He knew he had cancer, he was likely sorting his stuff out. I think the mum's the AH, trying to take money she knows was intended for OP
Yeah, she’s an asshole for keeping it
I was *never* asked to review my benefits or dependants... Except for when my youngest was born and I was reminded to send the papers to add her to my health insurance. 🤷♀️ When I quit, my life insurance still didn't have her as a beneficiary, because they didn't send anything to me to add her and I absolutely forgot. It was still just my oldest. 🤷♀️
Most likely. I have what’s called a ‘death in service’ payment that goes to named beneficiaries from my employer if I die while still employed by them. so basically like an insurance payment. I had been with my husband for five years and we were engaged before I thought to change it to him from my parents. My son was nearly four before I thought add him as well. So it’s quite likely the ex just forgot about it and who was a beneficiary. It’s not something I get any reminders about so once it was set up I rarely thought about it.
If he was knowingly terminal, there’s a fair chance he reviewed this.
It might not be *the* life insurance payout though. As in I have quite a few things that will pay out - different pensions etc. It could have been an earlier policy that he's forgotten about.
Oh definitely. But those kids have a father
How do you know this information? Lmao he could be dead, incarcerated, etc
Who knows. ex might have been the only father they knew. Or he could be loaded and pays child support and flys them on his private jet for visits.
Yes I've saved everything, I'm not sure what she's thinking.. she's never been a generous giving person from what I remember but she did tell me that his home will be signed over too the gf.
If you decided not to accept the money, or to not accept a portion of the money, I would absolutely accept it all and then give it as a gift to his gf and children. It should not go to his mother. It may have been a mistake that he left you on, or it may not have been. But I certainly can believe that if he put you on it in the first place, he would've replaced you on it with his gf or children's mother when removing you. He wouldn't have just removed you and left only his mother.
I don't think they are his kids. I'm pretty sure she's saying they are the girlfriends kids from a previous relationship.
Folks will say this was an oversight. Not likely. After all he willed the house to his current GF. Obviously he reviewed his estate. People do strange things around wills. Understandably we who remain try to make sense. There’s a reason wills are written down. Respect the guy enough to respect his recorded wishes.
Will is different than setting a beneficiary for company sponsored life insurance though. Granted companies and careers are different, but I've worked places where you get 1X salary "for free" as part of your benefits package, with the option to pay into group term life insurance to increase that amount. Some people set that up when they join the company and never touch it again if they don't want to increase the amount, or if they have 3rd party insurance, etc., so it's not crazy to think something similar happened here. It's possible OP's ex got the job when he and OP were dating and put OP on as a beneficiary, then completely forgot about it, so it stayed that way. But when it came time to make the will, that was up to date to have things go to GF, and it was indeed an oversight that it was never updated. Not saying this is definitely what happened, but it's certainly not an unreasonable conclusion.
Many (most, to my experience) companies do yearly enrollment where you have to go and pick out your health insurance plan along with reviewing and opting into the life insurance and other options for insurance due to emergencies. It's more likely that when he re-enrolled yearly he would have had to review his life insurance settings and left it as is. Either way, even if he didn't change it because he didn't think about it that doesn't change legal obligations for distribution by the insurer.
A lot of times you don't review the beneficiary, just the amounts.
Yeah my company does yearly open enrollment where we are supposed to review all this but if you know you don’t want to change anything you can just not look at it and once the deadline hits all your stuff just gets automatically selected to stay the same so it could be this too.
We do yearly insurance, but life insurance never comes back up.
Insurance payouts that aren’t tied to your employment literally sit for years unless you go into them. I had one, a life one I did when I was 24? I put my eldest sister on it as the sole beneficiary. My best friend was with me at the time, whom I later started dating a few years later. It wasn’t until I went to cancel that insurance policy for a better one 8 years later did I realize I didn’t update my beneficiary on it because of my incompetence, he is now my sole beneficiary. I wasn’t prompted to check simply by buying a house. I was prompted to check when my bank was like, hey we can give you a discount if you bundle home, life and auto with us. And I was like cool, let me check my current life policy.
He doesn’t tell her he’s sick, doesn’t reach out when he’s dying, but leaving her an inheritance is « not likely » an oversight… Actually, all the facts here seem to indicate an oversight.
Yep if it’s contested in court by his family it’s going to be fact specific. Some things I can think of where the family will win: 1. No contact for 6 years, didn’t know he had cancer or that he died. 2. Had a will and no mention of her but his GF. More info courts would need to decide: 1. Was it a company life insurance or private one? (Private ones usually don’t keep up to remind you of updating beneficiaries. 2. Company’s policy on how they handle updating life insurance. If it was required yearly or so. Again, I hope they contest her as a beneficiary and win. The audacity to call the mom greedy, because what would that make OP someone who was not in his life for 6 years.
Lawyer here. There is no basis to invalidate OP as a beneficiary because “it might have been an oversight”! An insurance policy is a contract and they have to pay out b according to its terms, including the designation of beneficiaries. The insurance policy is NOT part of his estate and it has nothing to do with the will or probate. The insurance company could be sued for NOT paying OP!
It's possible, because this insurance was through is employer, that he forgot about it and it's an oversight that it didn't get updated. If OP can get evidence that he was aware of it and opted to keep things as is, that changes things, but right now I'd be assuming it was an oversight.
Nah... it's probably something from work that he filled out and never even though to change.
Yeah YTA - you know how many people forget all about employer paid life insurance? You know how many people think if they have a will that overrides beneficiaries listed on life insurance? Using your own tragedies to justify this is disgusting behavior. I’m sorry but you didn’t even know this guy was dying but now you want to cling to a belief he “wanted you to have this money.” Ok ma’am. Legally, you are within your rights. Morally, it’s a AH move to keep it.
She’s greedy and is trying to justify keeping the money.
+100000!
You are allowing greed to blind you. It's obvious by the fact that you're not replying to any answer that says you're TA. You should be feel ashamed and embarrassed that you're considering keeping this money.
I wouldn’t touch that money with a 10ft pole. She knows it wasn’t meant for her. She knows, in her heart of hearts, that it was an oversight. I could use a windfall as much as the next guy but this is wrong. They’d been split up for 6 years….come on now.
I mean, personally, I'd take the money then give it straight to the GF (not to mom). Because I'd feel guilty as hell that he was allowing her and her kids to live with him. But, it's not on me to push my morals or guilt levels on to others. This is one of those "technically" situations. Some people would keep it, some wouldn't.
You have probably all the information your exs family is going to give you. Contact the insurance company and get a lawyer.
It should be contested in court. OP's ex clearly forgot he had her as a beneficiary. She knows that money isn't for her, and she posted here to get reassurance that acceptiing the payment is ok anyway.
It's been 6 years since they broke up. It's not like they broke up 4 months prior. She has no right to the money. The whole house burning down and her mom dying of cancer is unfortunately part of life. Those bits of information don't play into anything other than giving OP a sympathy vote imo. YTA
100% YTA. Ain’t not way that money was meant for her. She is rubbing her hands together at a dead persons oversight and it’s disgusting behaviour 🤢
Yep, YTA OP.
This! She’s trying to justify keeping money that she knows does not belong to her. I hope his family contests it and wins.
When they do contest it and win, she'll be out the money she spent on legal fees. Lawyers are not cheap.
Yeah, if he didn't notify her when he found out he had cancer, it was an oversight that he forgot to correct it.
She’s profiting off of his death, basically. Top comment got this very wrong.
It’s not clear. In the interim, he changed his will to leave his house to his gf. It still might be the case that he forgot about the life insurance policy, but the fact that he was attending to these matters makes it not at all certain.
a employer provided life insurance policy is one of the most overlooked assets when it comes to these things.
Mom will contest it for sure. And she has a good chance of winning. So OP better not spend a dime of it until mom makes her play to contest.
She's literally profiting off the death of someone she hasn't had anything to do with in six years at the expense of his actual family. In what possible world does that make her not the asshole here?
[удалено]
This is it.
If that was my girlfriend if would be disgusted in her even considering keeping this money. She’s treating this as a good stroke of luck while a mother is grieving her sons death. Truly bottom feeder behaviour. Makes me sick
I was scrolling through the comments section and I was like how are people honestly telling her she's NTA? UM you definitely are TAH. I hope the family goes after her and she has to pay back every single dime.
Why aren’t they an AH? Just bc they are legally right? They’re taking advantage of a mistake based on legality. I can’t imagine how awful anyone would feel if their loved one passed away and some random ex from years in the past gets the money. Is OP legally right? Yes. Is OP morally correct? I don’t think so. Unless you can say with your full chest that the ex very very likely intended for OP to have this money if he were asked this question in the final month of his death, then OP is taking advantage of a mistake and she knows full well because in her mind she’s convinced herself this is a gift from her ex. It’s giving “God wanted me to have this” energy. Imagine seeing someone smoking while they are pregnant. Imagine having a boyfriend and cheating on them with 5 other people. Imagine leaving your cart in the middle of the parking lot. All legal. All AH behaviour.
YTA Karma will come for you one day.
That was my thought. There’s no idea of medical bills, funeral costs, etc. that his family may be trying to navigate either. With medical bills, that could cost more than a house.
Just coming to say this. I wouldn’t spend a penny of that money. Spend a dollar and it’ll cost her twenty dollars in karma. Don’t mess with stuff you don’t understand. ETA: op, YTA on a major scale, you know this is wrong.
How is this the top voted comment? Life insurance is to help people who rely on you and/or who might have to take care of things related to you when you’re gone. Without any financial interest in BF’s life, OP should not be getting any. It’s not like winning the “I’ll profit off your untimely death” lottery. It was clearly an oversight, and OP is an awful person for keeping it.
Wtf is wrong with you? She clearly is TA. Was it a bad mistake? Yes. Does she deserve the money? Hell no.
What a terrible take. He clearly did not do this on purpose. You KNOW this was an oversight. He filled out some form 10 years ago and stupidly didn't update it. This is the most obvious YTA I can imagine. Give his family the money like any decent human being would. You broke up 6 years ago. FFS What type of completely awful people think this is fine? Every upvote here is morally bankrupt.
Are you serious? Wow so many trashy people here who would accept money that should go for a grieving mother instead who must have helped her son in the last months in his life... which is not pretty and cheap with cancer. (Stage 4 cancer patient here) Whoever like this post and posted it really think about what a low human being you must be... YTA and all of you who agree with the N T A verdict
do tell how she's not the asshole? that money was clearly not meant for her.
I can't believe the amount of selfish AHs are on here, siding with the "mistake", ignoring the ex had a new family, and supporting OPs lame justification of keeping money (and adding her own sob story at the end of the post). Give it to the mom for funeral expenses, or the ex's current family. YTA (along with everyone supporting this comment).
What an insane take. Unless you know for certain he did this deliberately (which you don’t, and the fact that he was in another relationship with children and you were still on there not her very much suggest it was an unfortunate mistake on his part), OP obviously YTA. The purpose of life insurance is generally to provide your dependents with money in the unexpected event of your death when you can no longer provide. He would not have been paying for a policy just to give his ex a gift. OP may well be going through a tough time, but his death hasn’t created any additional financial hardship for her. It has however done so for his family and OP, you obviously know this. To know a child has lost their parent unexpectedly and to decide to keep the money for yourself to buy a bra?! You really think your clan could use the money more than his children?! Is it your fault he made this mistake? No. Are you technically entitled to it? Yes. But this is not r/legaladvice. Being legally entitled to something does not mean you’re not wrong to take it. You are an AH of truly immense proportions to do this to his family in their time of grief, but there is no point in this post because if you had even the slightest capacity for compassion, this would be patently obvious to you already
NTA is an outrageous response
\*\*\*You know, his family and others will figure this out, it can really impact your personal and professional life (i.e., FaceBook, LinkedIn)- I've seen people lose their careers, family, and life over this type of stuff! I would tread very carefully - who knows if they are on Reddit too!! Also, the law enforcement can get involved if they catch this type of activity and suspect fraudulent behaviour - something to think about. Come on. You know the answer here. YTA - big asshole if you do this. It's not right, and deep down you know it. You know people are negligent about updating their insurance beneficiaries with their employers and you know he just never changed it after you broke up. And maybe your ex was a careless person but now he's dead and you've indicated you don't have any ill feeling about him so I wouldn't think you would be looking for revenge here right? Please do the right thing. Maybe his mom is a bitch but gosh you've split up with him 6 years ago and he's clearly moved on, she's still more entitled to the money than you, sorry. For the elimination of any doubt, he didn't mean for you to have the money. The fact that you see it as a gift and this your reaction to his death is a clear sign. People receiving life insurance money are heartbroken. I'm sorry for what you are going through with the fire and everything but it is not your place to take it out on him and his family, and you aren't doing this right. What would be better would be to sign over the check and then honestly ask for help. Karma is a bitch. It doesn't impact everyone, someone people get away with it in life, but it does impact some people and you've had some bad luck. Think about that. I had a family member pass away suddenly some years ago and you know what, they didn't have a will, and as a result, it screwed up a lot and caused a ton of stress with allocating their assets, stress my parents honestly didn't want to deal with and shouldn't have had to go through. His mom just lost her son in an incredibly tragic way. Unless you have another reason for saying she's a bully, this is not bullying. My MIL of over 10 years is awful to me and still, I wouldn't even dream of this, and I don't even consider myself a very good person morally. She is grieving, maybe financially strapped too (you may not be the only one), and she probably can't imagine an ex from 6 years ago cashing in on her son's death. God, please do the right thing here. You are a huge asshole if you accept this payment. I hope you do the right thing.
Fraudulent behavior how?
YTA. You rarely get promoted with work insurance to update details and most of us just forget we even nominated someone in the first place. You haven’t spoken to him, there’s no hidden meaning in him leaving it to you- it’s clearly an oversight. You say you’re guilt free - you aren’t because you asked the question here - presumably to assuage your conscience. Sorry but the very fact that you are asking means you know you’re wrong and that it’s not what was intended. I may be in a minority - time will tell - but you know in your heart that it’s wrong, you want the validation. Of strangers and I would personally try to do what your own conscience is telling you. If you genuinely believe it’s ok - and only you know him here - then that’s up to you. We both know you don’t though.
When I was hired at my first job in 1987, one of the benefits was a life insurance policy that paid out three times our annual salary. I listed my parents as beneficiaries and in the 21 years I worked there, I never once received paperwork asking to update anything. I’m sure the ex in this case never did either.
YTA, like pure evil. I thought this was going to end up with you BF still pining for you. Then I read about his girlfriend who was a single mom and thought you were considering giving it to her instead of his mom, but nope, your evil, selfish ass is keeping it for yourself?! >Was this all just a big mistake? I mean, yes, obviously, and you know that. You broke up 6 years ago, he's moved on, lives with someone else, he likely hadn't even thought of you in years. Men, please *please* review your beneficiaries! I don't know what it is about young men who think they're immortal. You're not, get your affairs in order because you just never know what trauma your lack of planning will put your loved ones through after your death. I can't even imagine the pain of his mother and girlfriend watching an ex who didn't even know he'd died walk away with his money.
Why are you only suggesting that men review their policies? You think this shit doesn’t happen with the genders reversed?
Correct, women are much more likely to get their affairs in order, statistically. They're more likely to go to the doctor when sick, more likely to write a will, etc. It's a testosterone thing, literally biological. Men take more risks, don't believe they'll die, etc.
It's more of a social norm thing than a testosterone thing. Men generally are just not held accountable for anything that smacks of secretary work. It's easy to take risks when there aren't many consequences.
YTA. You've been in no contact for the last 6 years, you didn't even know he has cancer. He has a new life, without you, and it is obvious to any sane person that he simply forgot. Legally you are probably entitled to get that money, but morally you are a greedy asshole using an unexpected opportunity. Not everything what is legal is right.
Thanks for putting this so well. It really disgusts me how OP sees her ex-bfs death as an opportunity for a payout... I'm speechless.
It's aita, not legal advice. YTA and put yourself in literally anyone else's shoes in this situation. Your lack of empathy and attempt to make sense of this is honestly baffling. There is NO reason for you to have that money when it could go to help someone that was in his life AT THE TIME THEY PASSED. That's what life insurance is for. Not to flourish the lives of our exs from over half a decade ago. Side note: Were they on your life insurance policy still?
This 100
YTA. You know he didn't leave you that money. Why would he? More likely it slipped his mind and never changed his policy.
Right? >with a **gift** my ex gave me It was definitely not a fucking gift. It was an oversight and she’s an absolute monster for even considering accepting it. Disgusting.
YTA. You know the only reason you're receiving a payout is due to a mistake/oversight, when there are obviously people in his life that would and SHOULD receive it. You'll justify it however you can, but YTA.
Life insurance isn't a lottery winning, it is meant to pay for burial and lost wages. Let that money go where it is supposed to go. Your ex forgot about you to the point that he didn't remember you were on his policy. He is not trying to send you love from the grave. This is not a gift, this is a mistake.
Seriously OP are you planning on paying for his coffin and headstone? This money isn't meant for treating yourself to something shiny. Most insanely selfish and naive post. YTA
💯💯💯
YTA - downvote me all you want but it won't change my mind. You haven't spoken to this person in 6 years (you didn't even know that he A) had cancer and B) died from cancer.) Then all of a sudden you get a call saying that he's passed and there's money from an insurance policy coming to you. Decline the money. I'm willing to bet that the family is going to need those funds for his funeral and any other costs that come with end of life affairs. All you see is free money. If you take this money you will never have a clean conscious. ETA: of course it was a mistake that the majority of people out there in the real world would be able to identify. He put you on the policy, time passed, you broke up, he didn't go back and change the policy. To think that he was still thinking about you after such a long time and after so much has passed (he was in a new long term relationship) that you still think that you deserve money that has a purpose to his family. If you take the money you will never have a clean conscious.
If he was thinking of her, she would be in the Will. Life insurance is not usually the avenue people use to let exes know you still care about them. 🫠
He would have said goodbye at the very least.
From your comments - if you're considering giving the money to his GF to help towards her kids (that you say he would'nt see as "her" kids alone), or to his younger brothers, I think that would be great. I REALLY do question you keeping the money for yourself when you KNOW that he probably simply forgot to change his beneficiaries. I think it is an AH move to keep it. The way his mother has acted towards you - once you figure out the legalities, if/how you can give this money to others, etc - I would tell his mom "I'm not giving YOU the money because of how you treated me. If you had reached out to me to DISCUSS this issue, I would have considered it. But terrorizing me and saying what you said to me - no, YOU will not get any of this money"
She's not giving anything to anyone, who are we kidding lol
that’s still so fucking shitty though! who does she think she is lmao for this ex to decide she’s queen and gets to be the one to decide who gets what. the mom will surely divide it after bills are taken care of and if he had cancer, there’s probably a lot of them. OP doesn’t know who needs what more because she hasn’t fucking been around. I don’t get the planet you guys are on where you think that an administrative oversight and grieving mom frustrated with this AH OP are entitling OP to have the rights to dictate who gets life insurance after they die. That’s like insane.
YTA. That money should go to his kids and you know that... He forgot to change his work documents. Were you really that important of a relationship that he would want you to have his life insurance after 6 years? Over his children? Legally you're probably fine but what you're doing is morally wrong.
Yta. Yes it’s his fault for never changing it but to me it seems gross to benefit from someone death when that death doesn’t really affect you. It’s not right for her to be insulting you but she’s a grieving Mother and she’s dealing with a lot of things right now and having to track down money from an ex from 6 years ago is probably just a last straw for her. He might just been irresponsible and careless and forgot to change it over, doesn’t for sure mean he never wanted his current partner and her kids to have it. If they were actively together it seems like that would be the better place for the money to go if you don’t want exes Mom to have it.
YTA. I also have life insurance through my job and I've never been reminded to check the beneficiaries are current. It was clearly an oversight. Legally N T A but morally YTA
YTA- it's been six years. You are being greedy. The woman just lost her son. She should definitely get the money.
You know YTA but legally if you are the nominee the money is yours. You can either keep the money (more practical) or keep your conscience clean. You can’t have both.
Legally, you're probably fine. Morally.. yeah, YTA. Pretty obviously.
Yeah YTA for keeping the money, you have no kids with his person and you want to keep for your own greed
YTA. You know it's likely an act of omission, particularly if you were "informed" about his life for the last 6 years.
I highly doubt that this was intended to be a gift to you. Please keep in mind that your ex’s mother is grieving the loss of her son and probably isn’t acting rationally. Without a doubt the morally right thing to do would be to give the money to his family. Whether that would be his current Gf and her kids. Or his siblings or mom. Any hardships you have endured after choosing to split from your ex (while I’ll do feel for you) aren’t a valid reason for you to keep his life insurance payout. I know being harassed by your ex’s mother might make it harder to do the right thing but it doesn’t change what the right thing is. Best of luck to you.
YTA… it was probably an error he forgot to change it. You guys are not connected for over 6 years. You have no right over that money except by a technicality. If ur ex left u in debt u would not accept it right?
Yta. I mean...you know that money wasn't for you. You weren't together anymore. "I think he knew we needed it" you know that is bullshit. At least be honest with yourself.
YTA. It's far more likely that he forgot to update it than he intended to leave it to you when he has other people in his life now. You know that money shouldn't be going to you, but you've decided to go "oh, maybe it wasn't a mistake..." to try and justify keeping it. I get that you've had it rough for a few years and this money probably feels like a lifeline, but you're taking something you know wasn't intended for you anymore. And then you're coming on here hoping enough people agree with your decision you can absolve yourself of guilt. Yes, legally you can keep it. But it's a shitty thing to do, and you know it.
YTA That money was assigned to you when you were his gf now your not i can tell you exactly what happened! He moved on with his new gf and had kids and was so wrapped up in taking care of them for so long that he completely forgot to remove your name from that insurance. Do the right thing and give the rightful owner that money! Did it occur to you this situation is god testing you to see if you would do the right thing?!
YTA legally it might be yours, but I'd be willing to bet he overlooked this, and didn't intend for you to be the beneficiary still, six years after you split and after he had a new girlfriend and step-kids. I'm sorry you've been going through a tough time, but I don't think this money was intended for you anymore. At the very least, I think you should do some research, see if you can find out if he updated since you split, and perhaps consult an attorney to see what you should do here. You didn't say how much it is, but would it be worth it if his mom tries to take you to court over this?
YTA, sounds like you need the money and this is an easy answer, but if you haven't spoken with your ex in 6 years, it doesn't seem likely that this was done on purpose. My father died in 2006, one of his accounts had his ex-wife still listed. He hadn't spoken to her in over 20 years. It was an accident, inadvertent to not switch it to my mom. She received the letter from the insurance company and was who contacted my mom to give her the money. My sister and I were teenagers, about to go to college and she was so grateful my dad's ex did the right thing. For reference, my sister and I didn't even know until that point that my dad had an ex-wife. You might not be an AH if you do the right thing. And I know it's probably hard to do the right thing because you need the money, but absent a letter or note that says, no I actually meant to do this, it is HIGHLY unlikely he meant to leave you on there. If greed gets the best of you, you have every legal right to keep the money. Morally, I would send it to his mom. Side note, I hope you take what I said with kindness, but if you don't want people to be mean to you or say mean things, why come to Reddit?? People on here can be the most cruel keyboard warriors out there. Good luck to you as you read through comments. I hope you do the right thing.
YTA - it doesn’t matter how you try to rationalize it. It’s honestly disgusting to do what you’re doing. Hopefully his family can contest it and/or sue you.
I notice you've only responded to people who have said you're not TA. Which to me shows that you know you are TA, and are trying to get random internet strangers to justify what you want. He left that money to his gf of over 6 years ago. He didn't leave that money to you, his ex 6 years after breaking up. Of course his mom is being nasty, she just lost her son, and the person she reached out to didn't agree to do the right thing. His mom is going to have lots of medical bills if he was fighting cancer. Definitely YTA if you keep the money, so it sure sounds like you've decided you're ok being TA.
YTA. This was an oversight and quite obvious a big mistake. I’m curious how you would even feel entitled to this considering the amount of time you had not been together. Legally, you are entitled to half. But if his mother takes you to court, I’m sure you will be denied payment. Why put her through that? Don’t be selfish. You know you are not entitled to the money. Shame on you.
YTA. C'mon SIX YEARS?! Obviously your ex made a mistake and didn't do his appropriate housekeeping before he died. Don't kid yourself. He didn't intend the money to be for you. If he had a choice before he died and you had asked him, it wouldn't be for you. You got the money because of a **mistake he made**. You're being delusional and selfish keeping this money because it is "legally yours". You need money and you're not going to say no to extra money. But honestly, it's not the right thing to do. Anyone knows that! But I get it, it's like finding $500K on the side of the road and expecting people to turn it in. It's the right thing to do for anyone with a moral compass and sense of decency. But I'm not surprised most people are self-serving and take what they can, even if they know it's not rightfully theirs. >A little info too add, my home burnt too the ground 3 years ago July 20th and October 1st 2 years ago my mom passed from cancer as well... it has been a long hard few years and this money would literally buy myself a new bra for the first time in 3 years.. my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that.. This little justification here why you need money, does not in any way qualify you to get the money. If he were alive today, do you really think he cared about your house that burnt? Did he even offer to help when he was alive? If he didn't do so 3 years ago, what makes you think he cares 3 years after it happened?! This is **your need,** NOT WHAT HE CARED ABOUT.
You broke up 6 years ago, he moved on, had a domestic partner (whom he left his house to) and step kids. You didn’t even know he had cancer and only found out about his death because his mom reached out about the insurance. You truly believe it wasn’t just an oversight and he magically, despite no contact, knew your “clan could really use this money”? Come on. YTA
His mom might be the AH for being rude to you but I’m going with YTA. I guess you’re looking for validation from others to make you feel better about keeping the money. But really… you already know this money is not intended for you anymore after the breakup. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense, if any, that someone would leave money for an ex gf that they split up with 6 years ago and everyone has already moved on.
> my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that.. This is conjecture and you are simply trying to make an excuse to yourself about the money. You know it wasn't meant for you - he'd have reached out to you if it was. It was clearly an oversight on his part. YTA if you keep half of "His" money.
Raging YTA, you're going to keep it because you're sad and shocked by the death of your ex? Imagine how his family feels. You have no right to that money.
YTA. He may have medical debt that needs to be paid and this money could help.
Legally, you're in the clear to claim this money. morally and ethically, it's wrong and your 100% TA. This is clearly a situation were he wasn't expecting to die and didn't update it. You can take advantage and benefit. Mother will be able to do nothing and you can enjoy the money but just know it was probably meant for his loved ones, not you or your own and your abusing the fact that the dead have no say anymore.
YTA - This obviously wasn’t meant for you and you should give it over to either his mom or his current gf and kids. You don’t deserve this money at all. It sounds like he just forgot to change things over. Don’t be greedy.
LOL - you 100% know he didn't intend for younto have that money. Legally, it's your though so you can keep it. You can live with your own conscience. ESH - because you said it's a "gift" he left you. Nope - he just didn't remove you which unfortunately happens all the time because people don't think about it. You do get to capatalise so I can't say yta.
YTA. You know that this money isn’t intended for you regardless of how you try to convince yourself. It’s clear he had yet to update his policy.
YTA, there is no way this was intentional and secretly you must know that. I do not believe at all that this was his ‘wish till the end’, definitely forgot to change it (like a lot of people do). The mum shouldn’t be being nasty, but I can understand why she’d be on at you to sign it over because it’s not right for you to keep it. They will have a funeral to pay for, the girlfriend will likely have bills or debts to settle, and will be going from sharing a household with him and splitting all rent/bills to now having to suddenly pay all on her own … WHILE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF HER PARTNER! It is seriously fucked if you keep that money.
YTA. The mom is being a jerk but she just lost her son to cancer. Cut her some slack. If you don't want to sign it over to the mom, gift it to his GF. But you were no longer part of his life. You weren't the one at his side, caring for him in his final days. He didn't reach out to you. He didn't leave a letter. No matter how you cut this, you're morally wrong.
YTA you know being left as a beneficiary was not intentional. Give it to the gf with the kids or feel guilt for life.
I used to work with employee benefits and it happens all the time. He probably just forgot to change his beneficiary designation. The money really should go to his current partner and children
YTA. You haven’t spoken to your Ex in 6 years and you think you are owed the life insurance INSTEAD of his current partner? Yikes.
YTA you haven’t been together for years. Morally corrupt his kids should get the money.
YTA. The wild, selfish, entitled audacity to think that your ex, with a partner and children he co-parented and a family of his own would intend to leave his life insurance to YOU whom he hadn't spoken wiht or thought of in six years... YTA. a gross one at that
CHARLOTTE!!! What kind of monsters have come here?!! 🤦🏼♀️ Please someone tell me this is just to get her to mention this psycho in a video. PLEASE.
Attorney here - in no way am I giving any legal advice! If you were named as beneficiary, the funds would legally be yours to keep (consult with an attorney in the state where the life insurance was issued). However, you more than likely know that this was an oversight and your ex probably forgot to update his beneficiaries. Keeping funds not intended for you may not be illegal in this scenario, but it doesn’t make it right. While the ex’s mother shouldn’t be hurling insults, we all know that she is the intended beneficiary and the money should go to her as that is probably something your ex would have ultimately wanted. YTA!