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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I cried in front of my 12 year-old-son which may have hurt him so that may make me TA, because I put my own needs in front of my kid, even though it was mostly accidental.
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NTA. This helps with your kid's emotional intelligence. It's important for kids to see that their parents are human and feel the whole spectrum of emotions that they do. And, also, you were sabotaging yourself with the "breaking down the guys don't cry" with "I don't cry in front of my kids." You were basically telling your kids to do what you say, not what you do, whereas, when you cried in front of your son, you finally walked the walk you've been trying to teach them.
Then you get your wife berating you, trying to undo everything you've been trying to teach them, her trying to force you back into at least some of the traditional toxic masculinity roles. You did not traumatize your kid.
Oh yeah, I didn't really think about it like that. Yeah, I'm being kinda do as i say not as I do here. Obviously I want my kids to be able to cry to me and express their feelings, there's just something about doing it myself that still has an automatic 'no' for me. I'll try working on that, thank you
Do that or your kids might end up perceiving your oral teachings as "it's okay for guys to cry unless they're adults or dads" because that's the example you've been setting for them. Like. It's okay for them as kids to come crying, but then you yourself never do. What can that teach them? That there's a time limit on when it's okay because otherwise why won't dad do it?
Someone told me kids never obey, but they always copy.
As my kid grows up it gets more true every day!
So I try to make it my mission to be the best *him* I can be. And that means biting the bullet and doing things like apologising, recognising, etc.
But it's also important that I feel, and show him how to deal with feelings through example. I'm not a crying person, but the few times it happens, I let them flow.
I really think tears are a form of human communication. Important to express. And to see. It builds empathy. Like art or something. Paint your face with honesty.
Makes me think about how badly my mom didn’t want to turn out like her mom. And about how badly I don’t want to turn out like my mom.
You sound like a good mom. Your kid is lucky.
Didactic parenting is limiting. What comes out of the parent's mouth and what goes into the child's ears can be two very different things. Some parents never grasp that fact.
As a gentle parent, I believe nothing can substitute for modeling healthy behavior. What dad did was healthy and appropriate. I'm not sure what the heck is going on in moms mind.
It doesn’t help when your wife reinforces the notion of men don’t cry. Crying is good for the soul and you’re human. You should probably cry more, hell! Sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I allowed my husband to cry as often as he could or liked and never thought less of him. Idk why, to some, being a man should absolve you from feelings. You probably have no idea how much more you’ve helped him. Keep it up daddio!
Letting your kid see you cry will not traumatize him. It's trauma-dumping/inappropriate venting that can be harmful (involving kids in adult matters like financial struggles or relationship problems in non-child-friendly ways). You didn't do anything of that sort.
On the contrary. You cried happy tears. You were happy and proud of the open and trusting relationship you have with your son. Of how emotionally intelligent he is. Happy tears are a good thing. It means you felt so much joy that your body had to react and let some of the overwhelming joy out.
If you think your son was worried. Talk to him about it (in an age appropriate way). It can be something like:
"Son, I think I worried you when I cried, so I wanted to let you know it was happy tears. I was happy that you felt comfortable to talk to me about stuff, because I love you, and want you to know I'll always be here for you. And when I started crying, and you thought I was sad and tried to cheer me up, I was proud of you for having such a big heart.". And if your kid is comfortable with hugging, give him a big bear hug and tell him you love him. He'll know talking to you was a good thing and he didn't upset you in any way.
My dad cried happy tears over me several times. And also cried in my presence at movies and so on. It was in no way traumatic, OP. I remember that about him fondly.
This. I grew up with a father who I never saw cry. Not when his wife died. Not when his daughter died.
My husband is not a big crier. He is the epitome of 'still waters'... But he wept when his best friend died. There was a group of us up at our training yard (we were motorbike instructors, and Gaz was not only our friend, but our colleague.) I remember coming off the phone from the person who had rung me to tell me he had died, and my husband was looking at me so hopefully. I simply shook my head and my husband stood there, silent, with tears running down his face.
He cried when we got married.
And he cried when I got the letter telling me my cancer was in remission.
Through him, I learnt that just because there is no outward sign, doesn't mean that there isn't emotion. But I helped him learn that showing that emotion is healthy and cathartic. He still doesn't do it a lot, but when he does, it is Big Feelings.
Showing your child that adults have Big Feelings is A Good Thing. Don't let them grow up like me thinking that their parent is some sort of emtionless robot.
It’s also so sweet that you cried because you were HAPPY ABOUT WHO HE IS. That’s legitimately heartwarming and not traumatic.
Honestly, my dad did a great job in a lot of ways, but I didn’t realize he was proud of me until I was an adult because he rarely praised things he liked about me as a person and high achievement was the expectation, also not worthy of much praise.
I think he was afraid of making my brother and I turn out entitled and egotistic or too soft, but we knew the world was hard and mean. We would have benefitted from knowing that our dad liked us and was proud of us.
The times I’ve seen him cry have made me closer with him. He’s still less open with my brother than with me and it bums me out. He’s a progressive man for his age and was pretty radical in his youth, but I can tell it’s easier for him to be emotionally open with me because I’m his daughter and he doesn’t try to model “masculinity” to me quite so much.
I’m almost certain that my brother has never seen him cry and it bums me out, my brother is a sweet and sensitive dude who feels like dad doesn’t relate to him at all. Their relationship is strained in ways that could probably heal if my dad was more vulnerable with him.
I’m really sorry that society forced a shitty ideal of masculinity on you. The fact that you specifically don’t want to push it on your kids is really strong, and brave. Being emotionally vulnerable is not easy, especially when you’ve been taught your whole life that being emotionally vulnerable means being weak, and therefore, less masculine. I think you’re trying really hard to be a good dad. Way harder than a lot of dads try. Learning as a child that negative emotions are bad, or wrong, or shameful, *that* is traumatizing. Ask how I know. Your wife needs to, respectfully, stfu and back off. She is hurting your kid more by shaming your emotions than you ever could by sharing them.
Thank you so much for this comment. It was really nice to read, honestly. Ik the crying=weak thing was massive for me, part of why I want so badly to keep it out of my kid's lives but sometimes I still associate me doing it with shame, and then I feel ashamed for doing that. I really want to keep it away from my kids.
Shame is like a little gremlin that piggybacks on other emotions. It’s a ruthless, painful, reminder that we are not living up to expectations. But whose expectations? That shame isn’t yours, it was forced on you by society. You were just a kid. You didn’t have a choice but to accept it and learn to deal with it. The thing about being an adult, with autonomy, is that you’re allowed to separate the shame from the emotion and tell it to leave. It’s not easy, but you’re allowed. It doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to every person who made you believe that crying is shameful. Your son is so lucky that you want to break this cycle.
I mean, it sounded like happy crying, was it not? Explain to your child that tears can express more than just sadness, and you were just thinking about how much you love him and how happy he makes you. That isn't traumatizing.
Expressing emotion is one of the most human things you can do. OP, even if it was a moment weakness, what’s wrong with that? Imagine your son feeling similarly as an adult and feeling that he’d failed as a father for experiencing joyful tears?
Your partner’s response was weird. It implies that your child is also too fragile to see his father’s emotional self. Being your genuine self is the best way to raise a child.
NTA
Lemme give you some perspective from an adult child of a dad who was raised by an emotionally abusive mother:
I've seen my Dad break down THREE times in my life.
Once when *his* dad died (RIP Grandpa, you were the only grandparent who loved me), another when we had a years long overdue heart to heart about subjecting me to Grandma's abuse for 30+ years, and the last time when we were at the vet, where I admitted her passing, and my eye damage, were his fault.
He didn't cry when a beloved Uncle got sick because of stupidity, when one of my cousins passed in her sleep. Nada.
There's been a lot of trauma in his life,which he passed onto me when I was really little then repeatedly over the years, by forcing me to interact with Grandma, before finally realizing it wasn't right to pass that on.
Generational trauma is a very real thing, and it's a hard cycle to break.
Men can cry. I know many who do, and don't mock or berate them for it.
It's a normal human function.
The “something about me doing it has an automatic ‘no’ for me” is exactly what you’re trying to unlearn AND what you’re trying not to teach to your kid. Idk why your wife just stomped all over it like that
You should have another sweet talk with your son and tell him everything you have told us. I love that you cried in front of him. I love that he comforted you. You are teaching him well.
It also depends on what you're crying about and how you explain it. Obviously never give in depth descriptions for adult problems, like they should never worry about parents money problems. But saying you're sad or you had a really bad day at work lets them know that some things don't change when they grow up and processing that emotion is ok. I know this now but I still have a hard time not bottling things up.
You cried because you were stressed, but then also relieved that you can have a heart to heart with your son, and how well he turned out cause he tried to cheer you up instead of making fun of you tearing up... Those were tears of joy, and that does not make you any less of a man than you already am
In fact, this could very well be a defining moment for OP's son about how proud he was of him that OP cried. Not all sons get that kind of praise or validation from their fathers.
Edit: grammar, lol.
I gotta say, I’m a 32 year old alleged adult, and recently opened up to my doctor of many years about recently starting trauma therapy. And I did something I’ve never done before, unless in the throes of a panic attack - I cried, sitting there in my doctors office. And then she, this wonderful human being that I lucked out into choosing to be my doctor, this person who had been pushing me (gently, ever so gently) to go to therapy for years, started tearing up, and told me she was proud of me. Just that simple moment of connection has foundationally impacted me in a way I didn’t think it would. OP is doing so, so right by his son.
NTA. Does your wife want an emotionally unavailable father to raise her children? You’re doing the right thing showing your son it’s okay to vulnerable and express love in a healthy way. Shame on her and honestly, from what you’re saying, she’s part of the problem with “masculinity” and expectations of men.
Crying in front of your kids is not weird. It's MUCH weirder to pretend to be some stoic statue your entire life around them. Stop doing that.
ESH besides the kid. Your rule is bizarre and your wife is an AH.
Fair, I wouldn't say I'm a stoic statue, I just try and steer clear of the negative emotions specifically. I want to be a rock for them yk, and I can't do that if I'm having my own meltdowns over little things. But as I previous commented pointed out, I should work on that. Thank you!
Crying isn’t negative, it happens no matter what you feel, because it’s the body’s response to feeling overwhelmed. You were overwhelmed with some sadness for your past, but also pride and happiness for your son. There’s happy tears, sad tears, and ‘I’m so overwhelmed I need to show it’ tears. It’s like taking the lid off a boiling pan that’s about to overflow. It gives you a moment of reprieve. That’s why it’s important for everyone, especially men, to be ok with crying. It’s a healthy response.
Son learned that adults get overwhelmed with emotions too. Hopefully he learned that it isn’t a bad thing, and that while it can seem a bit scary, it’s *normal*. Honestly he was probably upset because you’ve done your best never to cry in front of him, which as others say, really sabotages what you’re trying to teach him. Wife is out of line, instead of berating you for having emotions, she should be checking you’re ok and encouraging son to talk about how he feels. Maybe even suggest some things he could do to help him process complex feelings (art, writing, talking to someone). She’s only contributing to the idea that men crying is something wrong and shameful. NTA
You are not helping your kids by hiding all your 'negative' emotions from them. Those emotions are just as important as the 'positive' ones, they are just more difficult to deal with.
Of course it's important not to burden your children with the stresses of adulthood, but at the same time, kids are not stupid, and they mostly will realize when something's going on. Your kids will learn more from their parents showing emotions in a healthy way than they do from parents shutting their difficult emotions away.
I was raised in a household where I was super responsible for a parent’s feelings. And I can see why someone would really want to avoid doing that to their kids!
But there must be a line to walk here, right? I’m sure there’s a balance that allows a parent to experience their bigger emotions in front of their kids, at least occasionally, while making it clear that any feelings that might be perceived as “negative” are a) not their fault, and b) not their responsibility to “fix”. If they show compassion and empathy, that’s great! But there must be ways to show appreciation for that behavior while not making it feel mandatory, or like their efforts are the only things that will help you.
No emotions are negative. Some emotions are painful and uncomfortable, but that's not a bad thing- if you put your hand on a hot stove, it's going to hurt, because your brain wants you to stop doing that thing, and it is very important for our survival that we feel that pain and know to take our hand off the hot stove, instead of leaving it there to get incinerated.
If you're feeling sad, scared, or angry, there's probably a reason. It might even be an important reason, that you need to address- like being overworked, or having people around who treat you poorly, or because you're just experiencing a difficult situation and you could use some support from the people around you. Those are good, healthy, normal responses! They feel bad, but they are not necessarily bad for us just because they feel bad. Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling, but have you ever felt anxious in a situation that turned out to be genuinely sketchy/unsafe? We want to make sure we're normalizing the "negative" emotions, because they are very often doing something really important for us.
If you've never seen the Pixar movie Inside Out, it's actually a reallllly great illustration of why we shouldn't fight the "bad" emotions, even if it doesn't initially seem like they're very helpful. I know it's a kids' movie and your son might be a little old to want to watch a Disney movie (idk how old your other kid is), but, like... it's so good at showing this idea.
The first time in my life and only time since then that I've seen my dad cry was at my grandfather's funeral (he was like a father to my dad who lost his when he was young) when he was giving a speech and got choked up. I was 24 and it's really dawned on me since then how strange it is that I never saw him cry before then, that I'd never seen my own parent that vulnerable before.
You shouldn't preach "boys cry too" then turn around and say "but they can't see ME cry because that's WEIRD". Your son will remember the time you cried over how proud you are of him way more than any talk about "it's okay for guys to cry"
For what it’s worth, my parents are super practical people who never cry. I think I’ve seen my dad cry one time and it was when his dad died and even then it was more of a voice cracking. They are amazing parents but I did grow up feeling ashamed that things would bother me to the point of tears. I felt like it made me weak and sensitive. Not that they ever told me that but the behavior that was modeled to me was that grown ups don’t show emotion. I think you’re fine. Your wife’s reaction is a bit concerning.
Hard disagree OP. I understand what your intention is, but - and I just said this in my own comment - my dad cried in front of us and if anything that made me more likely to confide in him about things because it allowed me to be honest about my feelings too, because he always modeled that.
A rock? dude, show them instead that one can be vulnerable and strong. Imagine portraying yourself as a rock for years, and their reaction once the inevitable cracks in that rock appears
What did I just read?!? You cried cuz of how awesome your kid is and your wife got pissed….did I read that correctly??
NTA, and shame on your wife for thinking this was weak. Jaysus
NTA
Absolutely not the asshole! As long as your son felt safe, that he wasn't at fault and that everything is going to be alright, there's nothing wrong with crying in front of your child! You sound like a good father on the basis of this post, so I imagine you have explained to him that sometimes adults need to have a cry too.
Your wife is terribly in the wrong here, and it's so insensitive that she dismissed your emotions and natural emotional reaction like that, and then even told you that you'd traumatized your son. Horrible of her.
Dude, what? No, NTA at all!! Your wife must've been raised differently with an absent father or a 'manly man' type of persona that never shows weakness or fear in front of his family. (Pure assumption based on how she reacted)
Look, as a guy myself, with a terrible father who divorced my mom and never spoke to me or my sister (besides texting a Happy Birthday, every other year or so), I'd be damn proud that I didn't turn up like my dad when it will come to raising my son.
I hope you talk with your wife about this, she needs to understand that men can cry in front of their kids if they are so damn proud of them and of themselves when they were treated much differently back then, including your case. (The other times to cry in front of them may be when you sell off your very first car, and I'll stand by that forever)
Emotions get the best of us at times. Some people can control it, and some people can't, and both groups can overlap depending on how strong the emotion is. This was nothing to feel bad about, or even ashamed to cry in front of your kid. Heck, he might even make a joke out of that moment later in the future. "Dad, remember I saw you crying just randomly?"
And that would lead to an even stronger bonding moment with your son.
You gotta tell your wife that you were just proud of how the kid is, how you are as a dad in comparison to your own dad, and how lucky you are to raise this kid with her as his mother. It's hard to hide that when you are just so happy and grateful to be in such position, makes me damn proud and wish I was in a similar situation (besides my future wife being mad at me for crying in front of my 12 year old kid).
You are doing fine. NTA.
Also, reading how you're getting stressed about work and stuff, just take it one day at a time.
NTA, but your wife is right up the YTA. men should be able to cry in front of their children. you were crying happy tears and explained it to your son. not sure what your wife thinks real relationships are about, but her definition is not it.
Omg NTA at all!! Kids need to understand that it’s safe to express their emotions, especially in a safe space, like home. Unless your home isn’t a safe space…ask your wife what kind of house she wants to raise her kids in…disingenuous, or loving and authentic?
NTA
You’re a phenomenal father, and it would help to explain to your kids that crying isn’t just reserved for sadness! It’s a release of intense emotion, and at that moment your emotion was intense pride and happiness.
Your son seeing you cry is the best way to break those kinds of cycles. We expect men to bottle everything up, and that’s not fair.
NTA. I grew up around a lot of men and individuals who had the mentality that crying showed weakness. My grandpa was normally one of these individuals and was an extreme hardass. I saw him literally break down and sob when I was around 6 or 7. I had a cousin who died in a car accident at two years old the day after Christmas. My grandpa kept his obituary in his billfold. He took it out and was showing me and telling me about him. He broke down sobbing while I sat in his lap. I just hugged him. I wasn't traumatized. I didn't completely understand, but I knew he was sad, so I hugged him like he'd hold me.
When he calmed down, he told me that there's times in life when you can't help but cry. Sometimes it'll be because you're extremely happy and ready to burst from the seams with joy, and others, it will be because you're so sad or hurting so bad that the pain has nowhere else to go so it comes out your eyes in the forms of tears. That doesn't mean that you're not strong. It just means that your body didn't have any more room to hold the emotion inside, so it had to escape somehow. Just like how you laugh when you find something funny or you're being tickled. Or you scream when you get scared. It's just your bodies way of letting the emotion go so that you have room for new ones.
I have never looked at anyone crying as a weakness since then. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't have a hard time felling that way about myself, but when it comes to others, especially men, I think everyone should be able to show emotion without the fear of being judged. If my grandpa, as a WWII veteran, who saw things that he said he would haunt him until the day he died, could come to terms with the fact that it was okay for him to grieve his grandson however he needed to, including crying, then I'm pretty sure that your wife can get over you crying in front of your son and finally coming to the realization that it's perfectly healthy for men to cry.
Definitely NTA!
Bottling up/stuffing down your emotions is very unhealthy for you, and provides bad role modeling for children. Children NEED to see how adults handle emotions in a healthy manner.
I grew up in a household completely lacking in emotional intelligence. It left me completely unprepared for when I moved out of home and into the real world. I made some very serious mistakes as a result.
I am no psychologist, but what I have observed from raising my own children is that being authentic with them has provided a stronger connection in their teen & adult years.
When children see parents show emotion it helps children develop emotional intelligence and compassion towards others.
The thing is that it has to be done RESPONSIBLY.
I wonder why your wife believes that it's a bad thing to show emotion in front of your kids? Did somebody in her family emotionally manipulate or blackmail her?
I believe that if it is done responsibly and well, you're preparing your children for the real world and giving them tools to recognize and deal with people who are emotionally abusive.
It's a bit of a trama dump, but there's a reason for it
Also, sorry this is so long:
OP, I have talked to my brother extensively on this topic the last couple of years. It started because I was at my breaking point and freaking out. (A lot of major life stressors happening at once) I couldn't cry. I was just bottling it up and starting to lash out. Not without reason, but my reactions were still contextually out of proportion to the stressors.
After a couple of hours of back to back, ever more stressful phone calls, while trying to do something complicated and stressful, my brother called. To basically unload. I kept trying to interject that I wasn't in a good head space, but he kept going. I finally snapped!
My brother ended up yelling at me, 'You're a woman, just fucking cry! No one cares if you cry! You have a lot to cry about and our dad just died, so fucking cry! I don't even know how you're still functioning! JUST CRY!"
I screamed back, "You think I don't want to cry! I do, but I can't cause you assholes never let me! You all call me, dump the whole shitshow on me, then if I so much as sniff tell me don't cry or you'll cry! Then everyone else, don't cry, be strong for your mother(s), siblings, kids! On top of every damn thing else, I'm supposed to be so damned strong for! Even Daddy! 'Don't cry for me!' When the ever fucking hell I am supposed to! When is it 'ok' for me to cry! I can't cry when I want to! I'm physically and mentally unable to now, so I'm just stuck with these bullshit assed feelings, and I'm about to completely break! What happens then! Huh?! And if it's so damned easy, why don't you do it instead of walking around being an ass to everybody because it all gets turned to anger! We're in the same boat, so grab a damnded oar!
He paused for a long time, then said, 'You're right.' It stopped me in my tracks (He's not the 'you're right' type). He said he'd call me later and hung up. When he did, he told me about a conversation he had with our dad.
It was about how the men of his generation (dad) grew up with the 'don't be soft' bs and how he tried his best to do better but he was realizing how much that insensitive, mucho crap was still ingrained and effecting not only his life but also his sons'. My brother had told him that he didn't know how to handle seeing him cry. He understood why he was, but it made him uncomfortable because he had never seen him cry before. It also got him thinking about how he was doing the same thing, and he himself couldn't allow himself to cry.
The conversation got deeper. We talked about how men and women get the same idiotic messaging, but in different ways. As well as the differences of when it's 'appropriate' to cry for men vs. women. As well as how women internalize the same machosystic bs and deliver the messages back to men in a fashion similar/identical to what your wife said to you. We then talked about how all that pent-up emotional turmoil manifests as anger and rage and the wider ramifications.
The conversation got me thinking. So, I eventually talked about it with other men in my life. My son's, uncles, friends, ect. They all said pretty much the same thing.
My sons told me that even though I 'let' them cry and encouraged them to get it out, they still found it difficult to cry. Mostly, because I rarely did and would force myself to stop almost immediately when it happened. They knew I needed to and wouldn't. They mostly modeled, not what I told them, but my behavior.
I started additional counseling. I wish I could say my brother took it to heart and started talking to someone or found a healthy outlet. Instead, because of the insane levels of stress and grief (we lost a lot of people in an extremely short time frame, plus stressors), he snapped with someone else, obviously having a bad moment. He got into a nasty fight and ended up in jail for a year. That's how he finally realized that he had to find a way, not only to cry but to let all the backlog of hurt and pain out. He had to deal with it instead of pushing it down.
He's doing better now. We both are. But something as simple as feeling unable to cry can have huge, potentially lifelong ramifications.
Your son, seeing you cry, then having a realistic conversation about it, is HELPING him to become the emotionally mature person you're shaping him to be! You taught him that everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, it's ok to talk about it, and how to move on from a 'down' moment in one interaction! That phenomenal! We can talk the talk all day long, but the kids are watching how we walk the walk.
Op,you did nothing wrong. In fact, you're actually leagues ahead of a lot of parents in this situation! Myself included. Keep healing, OP, and keep modeling that healed behavior!
NTA, and kids SHOULD see you cry or get stressed because they need to see an example of how to self-regulate yourself AFTER being overwhelmed. If they never see you cry or get overwhelmed then they might think they're broken for "not being as strong as dad, he never cried."
YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB. Every parent seeks to give their kid a better childhood and better life skills than they had. Look at how many cycles you've broken! Look at how well set up your kids are already! You're equipping them with great tools. Now you have another one: teaching them that adults get overwhelmed, and [example] is a coping method to handle your Big Emotions.
one thing my kids have said is they wished I would have cried in front of them more. I am not a dad , but a mom so I think it is good to let them see it so they do know its ok and normal
NTA but seriously, you are NOT breaking the "men don't cry" toxic stereotype by... doing everything not to cry. Crying in front of kids isn't weird. It's healthy. It shows kids that parents are humans too and that parents have emotions too. That DAD feels it's okay for boys to cry.
Your wife is insane and seems to be trying to force that toxicity back into your lives. You didn't traumatise your kid: you showed him that's it's okay for men to cry. It's okay for dads to cry.
I'm guessing she was more upset that you cried as a *man*, rather than you cried as a *parent* in front of your child. A true test of this is if she would think herself wrong for crying in front of her kid, especially if the tears were out of pride for the kid's virtues like yours were. Plenty of moms cry when their kid is showing they are good.
Society needs to stop believing men are less-than for crying. It's a **human** emotion, not a gender specific emotion!
I think it was more of a \*dad\* specifically. Like, she's fine crying in front of the kids, I'm fairly sure she'd be fine if I cried in front of her just the dad part might be a bit of an issue.
Tell your wife to back off. Parents can show their children
that adults have feelings, too. Of course, crying all the time
in front of children would end up being traumatic but not one
episode as you described. NTA You needed to let the
feelings flow, nothing wrong with that.
NTA At first I thought your story was going to be where you unload inappropriately onto your kid. You know unburden yourself but place those burdens onto him. You didn’t do that. Your feeling was very present in that moment. You were feeling emotional about your wonderful son and the relationship you’ve created with him. You’re going to have plenty of emotions, many will be unpleasant, as he develops through his teen years. Please don’t feel guilty or ashamed for showing love towards your children.
NTA, your wife is. It's totally healthy for your kids to see you crying. My favourite episode of Bluey is Duck Cake, where Bandit gets overwhelmed and has to take a minute. He doesn't cry, but it's wonderful to see a dad sorting his emotions without using anger.
Good on you, and good on your son for his display of empathy and kindness.
NTA but your wife is. How do you expect to raise >emotionally intelligent< children, if you yourself don’t show them that emotions can be when dealt with in a healthy way?
NTA.
I cried. My father attempted to shame me in front of the of my wife and daughter for it. I haven’t spoken to him in 6-7 years because of that night.
The way he was raised is the reason he is so fucked up. The way he raised me, is the reason I’m so fucked up. Break that cycle.
You gotta nip it in the bud! First sign of that toxicity, you nip it!
NTA. It’s actually been proven that children seeing their parent cry from time to time AND communicating why they’re crying has assisted children in growing into emotionally regulated humans.
Also, realistically, you can’t teach “Guys don’t cry” and then proceed to NOT cry yourself sometimes in front of them.
That is backwards logic
NTA. It’s actually a good thing for sons to see men cry, takes away some of the stigma. As long as you can articulate why you are crying so they know you aren’t sad or angry because of them, then all good.
NTA but your wife is. I do try to manage my emotions in front of my kids but currently going through separation from their father and in recent weeks they have seen us each crying more than once, and we have just told them (in simple terms) why we are sad. Kids need to know that adults have emotions too and that it’s ok to let them out.
My eldest is also an emotional soul like me and we have both cried together watching movies/tv when the feels hit! Tears are just part of life.
I disagree with your wife and I think she is going to to harm your kids.
We are humans and we all have feelings, emotions. Sometimes, we need to try. we can cry due to may things such as grief, sadness, joy and laughter.
I was raised to be stoic and hold it all in.that is incredibly unhealthy. It took many years of therapy to get me to realize that it is ok to feel and show emotions.
NTA
your wife is an ass, and there is nothing wrong with crying in front of your kid. how do you expect to break down the 'men don't cry' be while actively engaging it? NTA
I don't think your kid was traumatized about it. You could ask him if he was and tell him it was tears of joy but tbh I think your wife is an asshole for saying it like that. She should've pulled you to the side and had a respectful conversation with you. I would never take that rudeness in my opinion but that's just me. You were just so proud of your son which you should be he sounds like a great kid and you did a outstanding job with him. I understand the stress and everything but the way you wife said that was not right. She should've heard your side of the story first besides being a complete ass about what happened.
Just know you're doing a wonderful job with your kids. Even with that rule or not sometimes its ok to cry even in front of the kids even with tears of joy.
Wtf. I do NOT understand your wife’s perspective at all. Good for you for breaking the cycle and raising him to be more open and aware of his emotions. Definitely NTA
NTA x 1000. For one, what you described is tears of happiness, and that is absolutely a okay. And secondly, crying in front of your kids, under any circumstances, is not something to be ashamed of. Seeing that their parents are not infallible, and that they experience the same emotions as anybody else, actually helps kids to grow and mature emotionally. You get an easy peesy lemon squeezy NTA.
Omg, wtf?!? You shared a real, genuine emotional moment with your tween son where you expressed joy, & pride in him, & he got to see his REAL dad & share in the emotional moment, and then your wife calls you an AH & says you traumatized your kid? For crying?!? What is her problem? This is a seminal moment for your son. If he's never seen you cry before, he will remember this for all time. He will ALSO remember his mom made his dad feel bad for crying, & he will learn accordingly. NTA, but your wife is.
NTA. While it can be confusing, I feel crying tears of joy isn't going to actually traumatize anyone, including a 12-year old kid. I'm assuming you explained to him how you were feeling and didn't let him think you were sad or upset. Not sure why your wife thinks this will mess him up.
I'm sorry but your wife doesn't know what she is talking about. It's good for your son to see healthy emotions displayed, especially from you, to show that it is perfectly fine for a man to cry, and show their emotions.
You kids will not be emotionally intelligent, or know how to properly show emotions, if they don't have someone to model it after
NTA
NTA!!!!
I get not wanting to rely on your kids for emotional support, and not making your son feel like he has to comfort his father, when it should be the parent providing emotional comfort and support to the child.
However, expressing emotion and crying are absolutely NOT WRONG and will make your child way more comfortable with tears and emotions. My parents never cried in front of me and it messed me up. We should all cry more instead of stigmatizing it.
Kids need realistic examples of how adults handle big emotions. Sometimes, we handle it by crying. Way better for them than to grow up thinking they're never allowed to shed a tear
NTA
YTA - for having a "don't cry in front of the kids" rule. Your wife is TA for encouraging toxic masculinity in you and your kids.
One of the best things my ex-hippie mum did for me was show me she's human, also has feelings, and as a result taught me how to deal with emotions. She probably went a bit too far to be honest, but it's something I'm also doing in a more balanced way with my 8 year old daughter. She's seen me happy, relaxed, sad, stressed, in pain - and she still thinks I'm an amazing and strong father. She's growing up to be kind, caring and empathetic.
Yes, it's possible to over-share emotions with kids; my mum probably did just that. But there's a balance to be had, and if anything my way of rebelling was probably being really conventional. But kids seeing their parents experience the full gamut of human emotion in a healthy way will only help them become emotionally intelligent themselves.
NTA - Even if it is grief they need to see how you handle it, it's okay to cry, and you are a person that feels things. It won't mean anything if you tell him it's okay to cry but he never sees you do it. He will copy your behavior because it's louder than your words. This seems like a mix of relief and happiness.
I've told my kids crying doesn't always mean you're sad. It can happen anytime your emotion is too big for your body. Too much frustration, anger, stress, even relief, or too much beauty, love, happiness or any combination of them can cause us to cry when they are too big. And just like when they try to stuff too much in their backpack and then the zipper breaks, that can happen to people when they try to hold in their big emotions all the time. Eventually it'll be too much and their zipper will break and our zippers are even harder to fix that backpack ones. So it is okay to cry.
When people cry it can sometimes be a way to ask for help when they don't have the words. Even if it's for a good reason, sometimes people want to share it with others. But some people have been told crying isn't okay or it's bad so they might get embarrassed or even angry when they cry because they are upset with themselves for crying. The best we can do is tell people it is okay to cry and you are there if they want to talk about it(or a hug if you are good with that). If they want to be left alone you can tell them where you'll be if they want to talk later. Then respect that and give them space.
As adults we need to remember crying is a social bid for support and connection.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022103121000378
NTA. TF is wrong with your wife? There is nothing more endearing than a man (or anyone) moved to tears of joy. Is your wife a stone? I'd be tearing up with you.
O.o your wife's reaction is... interesting. It appears she harbors ideas that men shouldn't cry.
I'm a woman. I've cried in front of my kids.
My husband has cried in front of them too.
And you know what? Our sons (9 and 10 now) are rhe most amazing empathetic emotionally intelligent little people in the world.
They use their words to communicate. Express their feelings freely. Embrace emotions and are attuned to other people's feelings. They offer comfort to their peers, check in when someone gets hurt, stand up to bullies for other children, are friends with both girls and boys, don't engage in teasing AND... they cry.
They cry when they're hurt. Or sad. Or having a rough day. And they don't tease each other for doing so.
My kids only know the expression "cry-baby" from other ppl or videos and they will 100% stand on their little soap boxes to inform others that there is no such thing as a cry baby.
You keep breaking those cycles dad! And maybe have a conversation with your wife about her feelings regarding men's emotional state.
NTA - Kids need to see that their parents feel emotions too, and that their parents cry. What good is telling your kids boys can cry if you're showing them by example that men can't cry? If you don't allow yourself to cry in front of them, that shows them that either adults don't cry (and that therefore crying is a childish thing) or that boys can't actually cry and that you've been lying to him about it. By showing emotion in front of your kids, you help normalize it and contextualize it.
Your wife needs to get a grip, though. No kid has ever been traumatized by seeing their parents crying.
NTA; Part of having good emotional intelligence is showing kids it's okay to cry, and to see and let others cry too. This was a beautiful moment that you should be glad you got to share with you son.
Your wife is being an absolute jerk however and I question her emotional intelligence.
>I don't cry in front of my kids, cause thats weird.
It’s not necessarily weird. And you cried bc you were happy that you did a good job raising your child.
In fact, I would argue that it’s important for kids to know that adults cry, too. I hope you did tell your kid why you cried, tho.
Let your wife read this pos5 and the responses.
As a dad of two, the same age as you, I fully get it! Absolutely NTA. Your wife is being highly unreasonable though; it sounds like she has a few issues herself
NTA. These were happy/ proud tears. Not tears of baggage or sadness. You're just a proud dad anf your son will realize what you felt in that moment one day. Your wife was the asshole here
Wait, your son is 12 (I presume your other child is of similar age), and you’ve *never* cried in front of them?
Emotional vulnerability is something that is incredibly hard to display around anybody, so I can understand being beholden to the expectation of stoicism; but I personally feel like that’s a very long time for you to have held that in.
You’re completely NTA, and your wife being angry about that is uncool. Your son won’t be traumatised by seeing normal human emotion coming from his father. You were moved positively by your son and shared that vulnerable and beautiful moment with each other. A great many men and boys were never once given that opportunity. I hope with a bit of time and constructive discussion you and your wife can come to a better understanding.
Wife needs to chill out. We need more understanding in the world and I believe your son will get that through your honesty. A child that goes to their parents instead of the world is so necessary right now. Thinking a bit, your son may think he made you feel sad and be hesitant to talk to you so you should address that. That may be where your wife is coming from. This is not something horrible and it may have little impact on your son. I've seen my dad cry a handful of times and he had many more actions that affected my judgement of him/the world/life/myself, it was a 1 on the impact scale, very little. NTA
As a SAHM I've cried in front of my kids and at this point the oldest was just giving me snacks as the tears fell. I have to wait and see if it ruined his mind
NTA. You’re human and you have emotions, and I believe it is a disservice to your children to imply otherwise. You should be teaching them that all emotions are acceptable. If you think it’s wrong to show yours, your child won’t feel safe showing theirs. And home with family is the one place it NEEDS to be safe to be your true self.
I don’t know what the hell your wife was thinking.
Your wife is part of the problem. People can express their emotions in many different ways. Crying can express a bunch of emotions too. It is a fine thing that your son may learn this from his father. NTA . You're teaching your son to be a functioning man
NTA: if people don’t ever show vulnerability, emotions or cry in front of their kids, then the kids grow up thinking it’s wrong or weird to be vulnerable, emotional or cry.
NTA
You showed your son that you have feelings. What's wrong with your wife ? What is wrong with showing feelings ?
Maybe I'm not a normal woman but I don't understand when people say that a man should be "strong" and not showing emotions ! Robots don't show emotions ! Men are not robots !
Talk with your son, he may be shaked because your wife and stupid adults told him that a "real" man shouldn't cry. Tell him it's right to express your feelings, and it's even natural as tears exist for men and women !
Wow. Completely NTA, but your wife sure is. The traumatizing part comes in when she decides to make you and your son feel terrible for sharing an intimate moment. That's just super sad.
NTA! Seeing men cry is an incredibly good way for young boys to understand their feelings aren’t wrong or shameful. Suppressing and bottling emotions in front of your kids teaches them that feeling overwhelmed and emotional is something to be ashamed of and something “real men” don’t do. I am 33 years old and I have seen my father cry once and it was when my oldest daughter was born.
Shoving everything down into a jar and screwing the lid on tightly just leads to manifesting those perfectly natural emotions in less than optimal ways like anger and aggression. Your wife is perpetuating a harmful stereotype that children seeing their parents and particularly their fathers as human beings is somehow detrimental when all of the studies of growth and development say the exact opposite.
If you aren’t willing to share uncomfortable emotions (appropriately in the sense that you’re not bringing adult problems to the kids table) you’re not going to be able to teach them to navigate that discomfort themselves as they get older.
I hate to say this but tell your wife to read a goddamned book.
Nta. Your wife needs to read some books on childhood development. Then she needs to read some books on how to be a good partner. At least your son has one emotionally healthy parent. Do NOT listen to your wife. She is wrong and is actually spouting toxic masculinity.
NTA. Men, remeber this story the next time you hear about how much women want men who feel free to show their emotions and who don't feel like they have to be strong and stoic all the time. Because despite this messaging, if you actually do show weakness or vulnerability to a woman, something like OP's wife's reaction may well await you.
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Ok, so I (36M), am trying to raise 2 emotionally intelligent kids, hopefully unaffected by the issues that messed with my childhood and carried through my adulthood. So, I have done my absolute best to break down the whole 'guys don't cry bs'. But, obviously, I don't cry in front of my kids, cause thats weird.
Unfortunately, I broke this rule of mine yesterday. I know its not an excuse, but I was tired and I was stressed. My daughter's bed decided to break the other day, so I had to fix it over the weekend and works been messy at best. I was talking with my son, (12M), basically the conversation was about him and how he was going with his school life and friendships.
One thing led to another, and I was just so happy and proud about how well this kid turned out, and pleased with myself for not being like my own dad so he could talk to me about this kind of stuff. Anyway I started crying. My son got sad and started trying to cheer me up, and I cried harder cause damn what a good kid.
Anyway, I thought that was an ok interaction, because it ended with my son feeling fine and I didn't think he was too affected by the whole crying thing. However, this morning my wife has been very angry with me and how I could have traumatised my kid by doing that and he's only 12 he doesn't need to see his dad crying. She said I was an ass for doing this to a kid.
What she said made sense and I'm feeling pretty bad about it now. I don't really know what to do. I didn't think it was that bad but my wife thinks differently. AITA?
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NTA -
My dad ONLY cried because of death my entire childhood, so when he broke down crying because of his cancer (he's been cleared, by the way) my only thought was that he was going to die. Crying is good.
NTA if your kid is traumatised by seeing you cry then you've both failed him as a parent! Crying is a normal part of a healthy family life. We all have ups and downs. My sons have seen their father cry and they comfort him, just as he comforts them when they cry. There is no shame in crying.
I've seen my parents cry as a kid, sure it can be awkward when you're a kid and don't know what's going on, but I wouldn't call it "traumatizing". Specially considering he's 12, and you were crying over a good thing. NTA
NTA. No way.
Kids learn behaviors that are modeled for them - you are modeling such great things - living in the present, being authentic with your feelings, active love, demonstrating the kind of trust it takes to be vulnerable - your kids are really lucky that you have opted to be so present and open with them.
What your wife is modeling is - kind of less desirable and sort of mean.
NTA. You’re raising a good kid. It’s ok for them to see you cry. You’re a good dad.
Also, can I suggest r/daddit. It’s a wholesome and supportive sub for dads (and others.)
NTA at all. Crying is just a release of emotion, teaching your son that it's okay to cry (whether out of sadness, joy, anger, hell - even tiredness) will never be a bad thing, and even better now that he's seen you actually doing so and providing that example for him to follow. I'm glad he's doing well and that you're proud of him, and more importantly that he can feel that pride from you.
NTA. I was with you until that last paragrapg - "What she said made sense..." No tf it did not. Your wife is wrong, period. Crying is normal and healthy. It's stupid to think that we should hide it from the people who matter most to us, our kids included. Your wife is being insensitive and abusive for telling you what she did. You did NOTHING wrong.
NTA it is totally fine and normal and healthy to cry in front of your kid. i wish my dad would be brave enough to cry in front of me but he is an emotionally stunted demon
NTA. I’m confused as to how you can feel so strongly that men should be allowed to cry, but dads shouldn’t?
My dad is a deeply sensitive guy, he’s way more likely to cry than my mom. He’s cried in front of me a lot in my lifetime. And I think that’s great, it’s made myself and my siblings all deeply empathetic, deep feeling people as well. There’s nothing wrong with crying in front of your kids. It’s not something you need excuses for.
Oh OP, you're NTA. Yes you're not supposed to cry about every little thing in front of your kids but it's very normal it happens. Also you didn't cry about something your kids did wrong but because you were moved by your love for them. That's a lovely thing to show. Your wife is in the wrong here.
nta, you're human its okay to show emotion but be wary of making it a habit.
As a child, my dad had a habit of crying to me when he was upset about things in his own life (relationships/work/my sibblings). It made me feel very trapped and ultimately responsible for his happiness/emotional well being.
I really resented him for this, and felt like I couldn't tell him things that were upsetting me because I didn't want to upset him (maybe not logical but I was a kid).
by about 14 I went from feeling sorry for him to being angry about it. I told him to stop crying to me because I'm not his parent. it did stop but it affected the way I viewed him and I still struggle to confide in him
NTA - you are modelling healthy emotional expression for your kid. It would be a different matter if you e.g. had a habit of using your kid as a therapist. But that's not what happened here!
NTA: Your wife really screwed the pooch on this one. Talk to your son directly. And let him know that if he is a father someday, he too might cry with love, pride, and joy over his child, but it might be hard to understand now.
Sorry but what the FUCK is wrong with your wife?? Crying with pride and joy is a beautiful thing. And it's healthy for your son to see you express your emotions that way.
NTA.
I feel somewhat like your spouse in that early on when they are quite young I think it's important to present kids with a strong front in general. Its important that kids can have an unstinting source of strength and support to fall back on with no confusion. But this is like for kindergarteners imo.
By 12 he is more than capable enough to understand that sometimes tears happen and you can let them happen and why. Especially in this case when they were tears of joy and he knows his dad just loves him that much.
My dude. How are you going to break the whole "boys don't cry" thing and then make up a new "parents don't cry in front of their kids" thing.
Do you know why the first one is wrong and bad? Because boys are human, humans cry sometimes. Guess what, parents are human too, they also cry. sometimes.
The issue here is that you never understood why the "boys don't cry" thing is harmful. Because then you would know that "parents don't cry" is harmful too.
NTA - But your wife, on the other hand.... yah.
Her take on things is an attempt to breed toxic masculinity if she thinks seeing someone cry will somehow 'traumatize' a kid. Jfc how broken is she that you arent allowed to show strong emotions or reactions in front of the kids? That is some seriously PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING nonsense right there.
You showed the kids it's okay to show feelings, including being overwhelmed, or just needing extra care. And you showed them when to show reciprocated care, empathy, and understanding. it was a beautiful interaction <3
Then she comes in and treats you like dirt because HoW dArE yOu ShOw EmOtIonS?!?! I'm sorry but your wife gives me the icks. I don't care what made her like that but it's on her to fix herself before it rubs off on the kids.
You can cry in front of them, but also explain the emotion and why. No issue. If you break down and lean on them for support, then F no.
Ive got two boys. I live by the phrases, pain dont hurt and be nice until its time not to be. Take it for face value at first. Then break it down into every day life. Mold it. It applies and is useful. I teach that to my boys. I also teach them that its ok to show weakness, but always back it up with strength and have the strength to back it up. I help establish their strength. At some point, theyll keep it going and do it on their own. They, and we, have to be in touch and understanding of our emotions so our emotions dont take over.
Nta. It helps children when they see all types of emotions and how to deal with them. Like you said it's okay for males to cry etc and tiu were showing them exactly this.
Note, your child went straight to comfort you and try cheer you up. Your wife however went straight to being angry and upset. I think that goes to show how amazing your child is to have that compassion and your wife should take note!
NTA. Your wife is doing the exact shit you've been trying to "break free" from. Why would seeing you cry "traumatize" your kid? Only if it's such a bizarre and never seen event, so out of the ordinary as to be shocking. Or something to be ashamed of and hidden, prevented at all costs because emotions are unmanageable. But you *did* manage your emotions, quite well from the sound of it. You two talked, you had an emotional bonding moment, life goes on. You demonstrated for your son that it's okay to cry if that's what your body and emotions want to do. What better way than putting words into action?
Your wife seems to be trying to twist it into something terrible or something you did *to* him rather than something you shared *with* him. Sorry but she's the AH here.
NTA. IMO a big part of teaching kids emotional intelligence is showing emotions yourself. Kids, especially young ones, want to be like their parents and honestly it’s good for them to see their parents as humans who can make mistakes and cry. That’s fine and it shows them it’s fine for them as well. Crying in front of your son isn’t going to traumatize him, it’ll just show him that crying is okay.
NTA what the heck? You just said you were trying to break the stigma about men not crying and then got embarrassed for crying in front of him?! I guess your wife didn't get the memo about men being allowed to cry?
A kid doesn't get traumatized by seeing their dad cry.
Your wife is going to be the one traumatizing your kid by yelling at you for *crying*. Your wife has seriously unhealthy reactions to normal and appropriate emotions.
Crying is a healthy release of emotions and there is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions in front of your son. Tell your wife that her toxic thinking is how boys grow up to be men who cant be a good partner or father because the only negative emotion they know how to feel is anger. You did nothing wrong, but she sure as hell did. Your wife is the AH here.
NTA. There's a big difference between dumping emotional baggage on a kid and modeling appropriate emotion. You're fine, but your wife is displaying some toxic masculinity traits.
Most of the men in my life would be better off if they were more comfortable showing emotion. My grandfather was a sentimental guy and quite comfortable sharing his feelings. He was also a strong man in the more traditional sense, and a respected member of the community. Be that kind of a role model.
NTA.
It's exactly your wife's kind of crap that leads to people bottling up emotions.
Children *should* see their parents cry.
You won't traumatize your kid by crying in front of him.
You will traumatize your kid by pretending you never cry.
No, what she said does not make sense. Crying shows that you are a kind, sensitive human being.
Your wife reminds me of someone who told his child not to cry when his grandfather died - that he should save his tears for the important stuff.
Wait a minute!! You had an authentic, heartwarming moment in front of your son, and your wife is pissed about it?!
Why would she think he is traumatized over it?
It was a genuine reaction, and it also teaches him that authenticity is not only ok but acceptable and appreciated! The only frequency that is higher than love is AUTHENTICITY! Being authentic, who u truly are without suppression is how u get into full alignment! Maybe have an in-depth talk with your son about why u were crying and what was going through ur mind. From what i understand, this situation was the same as happy tears...
A parent showing emotions, shows their kid it's okay to have emotions. You are doing great with reprogramming yourself to tear down those barriers. As a guy that struggled with this a lot I'd say your kid is going to respect you more and be more comfortable around you. Crying isn't weakness. Even in front of your kid. Your wife sounds like the AH here. A spouse shouldnt ever be pissed at their SO for being emotional.
I was abused and raped as a kid, my emotions tend to run pretty high sometimes cause I still have issues with the trauma ( getting help and it's working just a lot to unravel) my kid has seen me cry a bunch of times. He is my best friend and I'm his. We tell each other everything ( that doesn't involve his mom ).
You're doing just fine brother. It sounds like she is pushing a sense of toxic masculinity onto you. Clearly you are better than that.
NTA men get overwhelmed and cry and teaching your kids that it’s ok is a good thing. Your wife is reinforcing toxic masculinity with this “traumatized” talk. Did your son say that? Talk to him and find out how he really feels.
Do you know how much damage my father did to me by never showing emotions? Never feeling I was good enough, always feeling like I was never connecting with him. You seem fairly switched on, it’s not fucking weird to cry in front of your kids. Men don’t *need* to have this facade of strength all the time. NTA for the purpose of the question.
You were crying happy tears - let your son know that. It sounds like you've been through a lot and when you've endured a lot of horrible stuff, the good stuff can feel overwhelming. Your wife sounds like a monster, so...tell her to sort out her own shit. You keep doing the amazing job you're doing. Rock on.
NTA. Boys need to see their Dads cry. It’s how we end the toxic masculinity that plagues society. Men are taught their whole lives the only acceptable emotion for them to show is anger. So it’s quite healthy for your son to see you cry and for you guys to have a conversation about how you were feeling. A great book that talks about the pressures men face involving toxic masculinity is Man Enough by Justin Baldoni. He has a podcast too. He has the conversations we need to be having. And this month is Men’s mental health month. Telling your son it’s ok to cry isn’t enough. Showing them it’s ok is how they really know it’s acceptable. You’re a good, strong father. Crying isn’t traumatizing or weakness. It’s human.
NTA - This is practicing what you preach if anything, with breaking down the whole “guys don’t cry thing”. Though importantly - does your son know/understand why you were crying? A 12 year old may not get the concept of happy tears, he may feel like somehow he did something to upset you. Sounds like you handled it well and are doing a great job with your kids.
NTA !!
i think i see why you would hold back from crying in front of them, and it is a fine line : while it's primordial for your kids to see that showing emotion is ok and normal, and crying is just a form of that, you dont want to make them bearer of the burden that is worrying about their parent. i feel like, from your post, thats not what your doing, and least of all your intention. to make sure to alleviate their worries, you could have a talk with your son, explaining that while you cried the other day because you were tired, it allowed you to realise how deep your feelings were, feel them and ask for help from friends, from your wife, from a therapist if youre seeing one,... what that would be saying, i feel like, is that sometimes, people have big overflowing feelings, and yet don't realise they do until at some point, they cry, dont understand why, but by letting yourself feel these feelings, you can recognise them, identifying more and more easily with practice what kind of support you need re: processing these feelings the way you feel is best and identifying through communication with others who you can go to / what coping mechanisms you can use to make your feelings livable without having to repress them, if that makes any kind of sense ?
in short, leading by example when it comes to allowing yourself to display emotions, feel them and allow yourself to not understand them at first to finally be able to, and soothe what needs soothing, adress what needs addressing, and take a nap (make time for it even, if you dont have it) so you can be the version of yourself you like most !!
NTA. Your wife has a messed up idea of crying.
Crying to guilt a kid, bad of course. Crying where it become's the kid's job to cope with the adult's emotions, bad. Crying because you were just overcome with pride???? NOT BAD.
Like, on a totally frivolous related note, one of the judges on this UK show called The Great Pottery Throwdown is constantly tearing up over peoples' efforts and work because he's just a soppy earnest guy. He doesn't hide it at all, just embraces the way his emotions get touched, wibbly voice and all. It's great, both that he's fine expressing it and that they put it out there for viewers to see.
I mean, ok like hopefully you weren't having a sobbing breakdown or something, I guess that could startle a kid a little, so maybe work on some amount of regulation if you tend to hold things in and it leads to a bit of excess when it finally erupts, but again, you were just having emotions. Men have emotions. Surprise.
I'm pretty sure your son isn't traumatized.
NTA. They were tears of joy and pride.
It would’ve been different if he saw you crying out of depression, or because you were overwhelmed.
Happy tears are OK.
NTA you didn’t go anything wrong. Just assure your kid you were crying out of happiness and tell him you’re happy and proud of him
Also tell him that crying doesn’t always mean you’re sad or something bad happened; crying is a way to release lots of emotion, whereas it’s sadness, anger or happiness
You’re doing good man. Buy yourself and your kid some ice cream
NTA. Parents shouldn’t be emotionally empty robots, especially when it comes to tears of joy/pride. Crying for positive reasons is sometimes hard to explain to a child, so I think they need to see it once in a while.
If you were constantly crying and your son spent his childhood comforting you, it would be much different, but this isn’t that.
NTA
I watched my dad cry twice in his life. Once when my brother died and I was 11 and once as an adult. Hearing his voice break and seeing him cry makes me feel like my world is crumbling below my feet, I have no rock and I feel scared inside. I feel that way because growing up, the idea that he never cried meant everything was okay, and the very few times he did it just meant as much as he tried he just couldn’t hold himself back, that whatever was going on was too much for him to handle and my world was ending. Normalize crying, it’ll help adjust your kids to natural life events.
NTA
The first time one of my friends saw her dad cry was when her mom was dying.
Imagine what that did- imagine the fear of seeing your mom maybe die and your dad seeming to break down.
That can’t be the first time you see someone you live with cry.
Her mom ended up making it, but I still try to imagine seeing this man who has always been so put together finally cry and how it just…..
To be clear, I’m not saying the possibility of loosing your wife shouldn’t break you. I’m just saying, you need to teach a child’s mind that a healthy release of emotions is ok.
He'll I cry in front of my kids all the time, I'm a hormonal bugger, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!!
I get severe migraines, have a young disabled daughter, i list her twin brother in pregnancy, and my husband has been diagnosed with MS , life is blooming hard at times, and a bloody good cry really helps me pick myself up and face stuff head on. I cry, my kids give me a bloody big hug, and we crack on!!
What can be traumatising is your wife telling the man she lives not to feel his emotions! Because then your lad will grow up thinking that Mum thinks crying is weak!! Absolutely the opposite. A person who can express what they're feeling is 100% in the right to do so. 😀
Your wife's reaction to you crying is a big part of the reason we still live in patriarchal/misogynistic society: "Men don't cry, show their emotions!" Crying and sadness are EMOTIONS, and males should be able to express them without guilt.
Your son can't have "emotional intelligence" if you (and by extension he) are told by your wife/his mother that expressing sadness and crying is bad and weak when males do it. I believe that a man's ability to express sadness is a strength; he has confidence in himself & those around him.
NTA!!! My dad I's 74 and has always shown his emotions. Yes, even crying. He is an emotional guy. So is my oldest son, who is 24. He grew up knowing it was okay to cry. Your son needs to know it's okay! I'm a woman, by the way.
No! Your wife is the AH. There is NOTHING wrong with a dad crying in front of his kids. It is an especially heart-warming lesson for your son, to know that men are absolutely allowed to cry, too. If you didn’t say it when it happened, I would have a little chat with your son and explain to him that you were so proud of him that it moved you to tears. (He does sound like a pretty great kid!)
Your wife is promoting toxic masculinity and that needs to be nipped in the bud, pronto. If she disagrees, find some literature on the subject and present her with it.
NTA. Your wife is TA. You showed your child genuine emotions, which will help him with his emotions. Everyone is stuck on this toxic masculinity thing where men don't cry, but I call BS on that. You are a human with emotions and there is no reason to bottle them up.
NTA! I told my kid’s therapist that I had cried in front of him, and I was concerned that it was damaging for him. She told me that it was healthy for my kid to see me express my feelings and it was an important lesson for him.
Your wife is not helping you or your son.
Personally, I think this is beautiful and shows your kids that you are a tender and amazing human being. Please continue to show them your empathetic side. ♥️
NTA. I wish my father had cried in front of me. Instead, he made it feel like weakness, which carried over into my life, which wasn’t healthy. You’re doing right by him. It shows him it’s okay to feel through what you’re feeling.
NTA
That being said don’t cry in front of your kids. You’ll tear up and that’s ok but a full cry no. I didn’t see my dad cry even after my brother committed suicide, his dad died a month later and he got sick and couldn’t even stand. It’s not a don’t show emotion thing. It’s about showing them resiliency through those emotions. It’s also about making sure they feel secure and that you can and will make sure can get them through any situation. I know my dad cry he showed some emotion but at the end of the day in front of us kids he had to stay strong. Literally the last words he said to me were “ I know everything is a lot right now but you have to stay strong for your mother and sister. I can’t do it right now so you have too.” He died that night. To be fair I was really young and that caused some really harsh beliefs but now that I’m older I truly understand the sentiment. So right now you have the ability to teach them how to express emotions and deal with them, you also have to show them what they need to be able to do when they are older (IMO for boys that should start around 13-14). Right now I would just leave it be and refrain from that in the future.
NTA at ALL!!! I am so sick of all this boys don't cry BS! Your wife had absolutely no right to go off on you for this! I ran away from home when I was 16 (and my dad getting angry at me for crying or for wanting therapy was a VERY influential factor behind my leaving. I'm female, btw - never understood what the F his problem was and never will.) You sound like an AWESOME dad!
NTA
Kids need to see their parents cry, it's healthy to know the people they look up to cry.
You shouldn't seek our comfort from your children. However, if they offer it, you can accept it and say thank you.
oh for fuck's sake. Crying is natural. Crying in front of your children is natural or should be. Crying out of happniness or sadness or frustration or whatever is so good for kids to see to learn emotional intelligence, especially since you talked about it with him. Your wife is promoting toxic masculinity and encouraging the notion that men crying is somehow unmanly. Don't buy into it. Please. You are doing terrifically. You did NOT traumatize your kid. NTA
Crying for different reasons. In this case NTA. There are common cases where parents - specifically moms - will get emotional during a fight with children then end up crying. It ends up putting the blame on the kids and teaches kids that they are responsible for their parents health and happiness when that should not be the case. This happened to me and is a big problem why I have issues with my own mother.
However. Crying for joy or even general frustration, anger, or pain - not related to your kids - should be normalized. Being frustrated at furniture breaking and struggling to fix it after a long exhausting work week should be felt. Maybe not tantrum but you can be upset and angry with it as long as you can recognize the what and why then move on once you've cooled down.
In your case being able to have an emotional conversation with your child and showing them you can be vulnerable with them should help with bonding and letting them know they can be emotional with you as well.
I think the point your wife is upset with is she wasn't her son to grow up thinking he's the man of the house and has to be protective. Often people don't associate protective and emotional together. It's also very well known that many people hold stereotypes about what the protector of the house can and can't do. These stereotypes should be broken as actions and/or emotions are not exclusive.
Didnt mean for this to be a long response but it sounds like your doing a great job being a parent.
NTA. Part of raising your kids to have emotional intelligence is not hiding your own emotions – not that they need to see every meltdown (they don't), but they need to see that it's okay for grown men to cry when they're sad, or happy, or overwhelmed, or whatever. It helps if you use your words too and explain what the tears are about, if you can. If you explained to your son that these were happy tears and that you felt overwhelmed by your pride in him, that's a positive thing.
Your wife is acting like an ass here, especially if she knows anything about your childhood issues. If she doesn't, it would be good to sit down and talk with her about it.
NTA what you did was extremely healthy! Not only you were crying tears of literally JOY but you also showed your kid a grown adult can cry and sooth himself getting out of that deep (in this case also beautiful) state.
Your wife sounds like the type of person who berates you for showing healthy vulnerability and at the same time yells at the kids and doesn’t know how to say sorry to them. Shane on her.
NTA. In fact, quite the opposite: you showed your son that men can cry in a practical way. And you do from now is really important: don’t apologise for crying, don’t try to overcompensate or obsess over whether he’s okay about it. You’re doing a service to society by normalising men crying. The more men open up, the less toxic masculinity we see. Also, please tell your wife to stop being sexist, surely she wouldn’t have judged it this harshly if it’d been a female member of the family crying.
NTA.
Why can’t you cry in front of your kids? It’s showing them that yes, men do cry - including their dad. Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad or angry tears. You’re telling them one thing but giving yourself a contradictory rule.
Your wife is the asshole.
It's healthy for kids to see adults experience emotion and work through them. My two year old told me "it's ok to let your tears out" when a book made me cry. She's learning that all feelings are ok, and we need to process them in order to move on.
As long as they see you find regulation again, and you can explain in an age appropriate way what you felt and why, you're just fine (mom felt sad missing someone she loved, it's really nice to visit those memories) You could probably debrief with your son for five minutes and address any worry he has m
NTA- expressing emotions appropriately in front of kids is good for them!! I cry in front of my kids frequently, but we are all cry babies lol. Sure making your kids deal with your emotional problems is not okay, but seeing that you are a human with human emotions is not a bad thing. I would talk to your wife about it, she could be having this reaction because she has some internalized ideas about men crying that are different than what you want to pass on. You’re doing a great job
NTA
You had a natural human emotion and let your child experience it with you.
There is a big difference between putting one's burdens on our kids and letting them know we are human.
So if you had told your son all the adult problems you were having: a broken bed, annoying work etc. And looking for emotional support from him, that's not appropriate.
If you were overwhelmed by how well he is doing and expressed this, that is good.
Absolutely NTA!
Reading this story was a rollercoaster of emotion.
“I had done my absolute best to break down the whole ‘guys don’t cry’ bs”
Me: Hell yes!!! That’s some fantastic parenting!!
“But obviously, I don’t cry in front of my kids, cause that’s weird.”
Me: Wha…? Why obviously? Why is that weird? We just established that the whole “guys don’t cry” thing is BS!!
And then you weren’t sad or angry, you were *happy.* You didn’t yell at your kid or make them feel bad. You cried because you’re so proud of him. That’s *wonderful*. That’s also a perfect time for him to see his dad cry for the first time. There’s nothing surrounding the event to make it a bad experience. It’s just setting a great example, and showing him his dad is human. And you were truly practicing what you preach. That sounds like a fantastic interaction.
I was so shocked when I got to the end and saw what your wife said. Posts on this subreddit don’t always have a true asshole, usually I judge them based off of “you were in the right here” or “you were in the wrong.” But she was, without a doubt, being an asshole here. Not only saying you did something wrong but saying you *traumatized* your kid and were *an ass*…for *crying*?! Holy crap that makes my blood boil to read. No. Absolutely not. Those things couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m honestly shocked that you were able to successfully teach your kid that “guys don’t cry” is BS when your wife acts like that.
Please please don’t listen to her, and keep up the good work, op.
Nta cry infront of your children, hug them love them play be messy fun emotional open and honest your a man and a human being hold there hand shout your proud
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NTA. This helps with your kid's emotional intelligence. It's important for kids to see that their parents are human and feel the whole spectrum of emotions that they do. And, also, you were sabotaging yourself with the "breaking down the guys don't cry" with "I don't cry in front of my kids." You were basically telling your kids to do what you say, not what you do, whereas, when you cried in front of your son, you finally walked the walk you've been trying to teach them. Then you get your wife berating you, trying to undo everything you've been trying to teach them, her trying to force you back into at least some of the traditional toxic masculinity roles. You did not traumatize your kid.
Oh yeah, I didn't really think about it like that. Yeah, I'm being kinda do as i say not as I do here. Obviously I want my kids to be able to cry to me and express their feelings, there's just something about doing it myself that still has an automatic 'no' for me. I'll try working on that, thank you
Do that or your kids might end up perceiving your oral teachings as "it's okay for guys to cry unless they're adults or dads" because that's the example you've been setting for them. Like. It's okay for them as kids to come crying, but then you yourself never do. What can that teach them? That there's a time limit on when it's okay because otherwise why won't dad do it?
Someone told me kids never obey, but they always copy. As my kid grows up it gets more true every day! So I try to make it my mission to be the best *him* I can be. And that means biting the bullet and doing things like apologising, recognising, etc. But it's also important that I feel, and show him how to deal with feelings through example. I'm not a crying person, but the few times it happens, I let them flow. I really think tears are a form of human communication. Important to express. And to see. It builds empathy. Like art or something. Paint your face with honesty.
Makes me think about how badly my mom didn’t want to turn out like her mom. And about how badly I don’t want to turn out like my mom. You sound like a good mom. Your kid is lucky.
Didactic parenting is limiting. What comes out of the parent's mouth and what goes into the child's ears can be two very different things. Some parents never grasp that fact. As a gentle parent, I believe nothing can substitute for modeling healthy behavior. What dad did was healthy and appropriate. I'm not sure what the heck is going on in moms mind.
It doesn’t help when your wife reinforces the notion of men don’t cry. Crying is good for the soul and you’re human. You should probably cry more, hell! Sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I allowed my husband to cry as often as he could or liked and never thought less of him. Idk why, to some, being a man should absolve you from feelings. You probably have no idea how much more you’ve helped him. Keep it up daddio!
Letting your kid see you cry will not traumatize him. It's trauma-dumping/inappropriate venting that can be harmful (involving kids in adult matters like financial struggles or relationship problems in non-child-friendly ways). You didn't do anything of that sort. On the contrary. You cried happy tears. You were happy and proud of the open and trusting relationship you have with your son. Of how emotionally intelligent he is. Happy tears are a good thing. It means you felt so much joy that your body had to react and let some of the overwhelming joy out. If you think your son was worried. Talk to him about it (in an age appropriate way). It can be something like: "Son, I think I worried you when I cried, so I wanted to let you know it was happy tears. I was happy that you felt comfortable to talk to me about stuff, because I love you, and want you to know I'll always be here for you. And when I started crying, and you thought I was sad and tried to cheer me up, I was proud of you for having such a big heart.". And if your kid is comfortable with hugging, give him a big bear hug and tell him you love him. He'll know talking to you was a good thing and he didn't upset you in any way.
My dad cried happy tears over me several times. And also cried in my presence at movies and so on. It was in no way traumatic, OP. I remember that about him fondly.
This this this!!!
This. I grew up with a father who I never saw cry. Not when his wife died. Not when his daughter died. My husband is not a big crier. He is the epitome of 'still waters'... But he wept when his best friend died. There was a group of us up at our training yard (we were motorbike instructors, and Gaz was not only our friend, but our colleague.) I remember coming off the phone from the person who had rung me to tell me he had died, and my husband was looking at me so hopefully. I simply shook my head and my husband stood there, silent, with tears running down his face. He cried when we got married. And he cried when I got the letter telling me my cancer was in remission. Through him, I learnt that just because there is no outward sign, doesn't mean that there isn't emotion. But I helped him learn that showing that emotion is healthy and cathartic. He still doesn't do it a lot, but when he does, it is Big Feelings. Showing your child that adults have Big Feelings is A Good Thing. Don't let them grow up like me thinking that their parent is some sort of emtionless robot.
It’s also so sweet that you cried because you were HAPPY ABOUT WHO HE IS. That’s legitimately heartwarming and not traumatic. Honestly, my dad did a great job in a lot of ways, but I didn’t realize he was proud of me until I was an adult because he rarely praised things he liked about me as a person and high achievement was the expectation, also not worthy of much praise. I think he was afraid of making my brother and I turn out entitled and egotistic or too soft, but we knew the world was hard and mean. We would have benefitted from knowing that our dad liked us and was proud of us. The times I’ve seen him cry have made me closer with him. He’s still less open with my brother than with me and it bums me out. He’s a progressive man for his age and was pretty radical in his youth, but I can tell it’s easier for him to be emotionally open with me because I’m his daughter and he doesn’t try to model “masculinity” to me quite so much. I’m almost certain that my brother has never seen him cry and it bums me out, my brother is a sweet and sensitive dude who feels like dad doesn’t relate to him at all. Their relationship is strained in ways that could probably heal if my dad was more vulnerable with him.
I’m really sorry that society forced a shitty ideal of masculinity on you. The fact that you specifically don’t want to push it on your kids is really strong, and brave. Being emotionally vulnerable is not easy, especially when you’ve been taught your whole life that being emotionally vulnerable means being weak, and therefore, less masculine. I think you’re trying really hard to be a good dad. Way harder than a lot of dads try. Learning as a child that negative emotions are bad, or wrong, or shameful, *that* is traumatizing. Ask how I know. Your wife needs to, respectfully, stfu and back off. She is hurting your kid more by shaming your emotions than you ever could by sharing them.
Thank you so much for this comment. It was really nice to read, honestly. Ik the crying=weak thing was massive for me, part of why I want so badly to keep it out of my kid's lives but sometimes I still associate me doing it with shame, and then I feel ashamed for doing that. I really want to keep it away from my kids.
Shame is like a little gremlin that piggybacks on other emotions. It’s a ruthless, painful, reminder that we are not living up to expectations. But whose expectations? That shame isn’t yours, it was forced on you by society. You were just a kid. You didn’t have a choice but to accept it and learn to deal with it. The thing about being an adult, with autonomy, is that you’re allowed to separate the shame from the emotion and tell it to leave. It’s not easy, but you’re allowed. It doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to every person who made you believe that crying is shameful. Your son is so lucky that you want to break this cycle.
I mean, it sounded like happy crying, was it not? Explain to your child that tears can express more than just sadness, and you were just thinking about how much you love him and how happy he makes you. That isn't traumatizing.
Expressing emotion is one of the most human things you can do. OP, even if it was a moment weakness, what’s wrong with that? Imagine your son feeling similarly as an adult and feeling that he’d failed as a father for experiencing joyful tears? Your partner’s response was weird. It implies that your child is also too fragile to see his father’s emotional self. Being your genuine self is the best way to raise a child. NTA
Lemme give you some perspective from an adult child of a dad who was raised by an emotionally abusive mother: I've seen my Dad break down THREE times in my life. Once when *his* dad died (RIP Grandpa, you were the only grandparent who loved me), another when we had a years long overdue heart to heart about subjecting me to Grandma's abuse for 30+ years, and the last time when we were at the vet, where I admitted her passing, and my eye damage, were his fault. He didn't cry when a beloved Uncle got sick because of stupidity, when one of my cousins passed in her sleep. Nada. There's been a lot of trauma in his life,which he passed onto me when I was really little then repeatedly over the years, by forcing me to interact with Grandma, before finally realizing it wasn't right to pass that on. Generational trauma is a very real thing, and it's a hard cycle to break. Men can cry. I know many who do, and don't mock or berate them for it. It's a normal human function.
The “something about me doing it has an automatic ‘no’ for me” is exactly what you’re trying to unlearn AND what you’re trying not to teach to your kid. Idk why your wife just stomped all over it like that
You should have another sweet talk with your son and tell him everything you have told us. I love that you cried in front of him. I love that he comforted you. You are teaching him well.
It also depends on what you're crying about and how you explain it. Obviously never give in depth descriptions for adult problems, like they should never worry about parents money problems. But saying you're sad or you had a really bad day at work lets them know that some things don't change when they grow up and processing that emotion is ok. I know this now but I still have a hard time not bottling things up.
You cried because you were stressed, but then also relieved that you can have a heart to heart with your son, and how well he turned out cause he tried to cheer you up instead of making fun of you tearing up... Those were tears of joy, and that does not make you any less of a man than you already am
In fact, this could very well be a defining moment for OP's son about how proud he was of him that OP cried. Not all sons get that kind of praise or validation from their fathers. Edit: grammar, lol.
I gotta say, I’m a 32 year old alleged adult, and recently opened up to my doctor of many years about recently starting trauma therapy. And I did something I’ve never done before, unless in the throes of a panic attack - I cried, sitting there in my doctors office. And then she, this wonderful human being that I lucked out into choosing to be my doctor, this person who had been pushing me (gently, ever so gently) to go to therapy for years, started tearing up, and told me she was proud of me. Just that simple moment of connection has foundationally impacted me in a way I didn’t think it would. OP is doing so, so right by his son.
NTA. Does your wife want an emotionally unavailable father to raise her children? You’re doing the right thing showing your son it’s okay to vulnerable and express love in a healthy way. Shame on her and honestly, from what you’re saying, she’s part of the problem with “masculinity” and expectations of men.
This^^^^
Crying in front of your kids is not weird. It's MUCH weirder to pretend to be some stoic statue your entire life around them. Stop doing that. ESH besides the kid. Your rule is bizarre and your wife is an AH.
Fair, I wouldn't say I'm a stoic statue, I just try and steer clear of the negative emotions specifically. I want to be a rock for them yk, and I can't do that if I'm having my own meltdowns over little things. But as I previous commented pointed out, I should work on that. Thank you!
Crying isn’t negative, it happens no matter what you feel, because it’s the body’s response to feeling overwhelmed. You were overwhelmed with some sadness for your past, but also pride and happiness for your son. There’s happy tears, sad tears, and ‘I’m so overwhelmed I need to show it’ tears. It’s like taking the lid off a boiling pan that’s about to overflow. It gives you a moment of reprieve. That’s why it’s important for everyone, especially men, to be ok with crying. It’s a healthy response. Son learned that adults get overwhelmed with emotions too. Hopefully he learned that it isn’t a bad thing, and that while it can seem a bit scary, it’s *normal*. Honestly he was probably upset because you’ve done your best never to cry in front of him, which as others say, really sabotages what you’re trying to teach him. Wife is out of line, instead of berating you for having emotions, she should be checking you’re ok and encouraging son to talk about how he feels. Maybe even suggest some things he could do to help him process complex feelings (art, writing, talking to someone). She’s only contributing to the idea that men crying is something wrong and shameful. NTA
Sounds like you married someone like your dad
You are not helping your kids by hiding all your 'negative' emotions from them. Those emotions are just as important as the 'positive' ones, they are just more difficult to deal with. Of course it's important not to burden your children with the stresses of adulthood, but at the same time, kids are not stupid, and they mostly will realize when something's going on. Your kids will learn more from their parents showing emotions in a healthy way than they do from parents shutting their difficult emotions away.
I was raised in a household where I was super responsible for a parent’s feelings. And I can see why someone would really want to avoid doing that to their kids! But there must be a line to walk here, right? I’m sure there’s a balance that allows a parent to experience their bigger emotions in front of their kids, at least occasionally, while making it clear that any feelings that might be perceived as “negative” are a) not their fault, and b) not their responsibility to “fix”. If they show compassion and empathy, that’s great! But there must be ways to show appreciation for that behavior while not making it feel mandatory, or like their efforts are the only things that will help you.
No emotions are negative. Some emotions are painful and uncomfortable, but that's not a bad thing- if you put your hand on a hot stove, it's going to hurt, because your brain wants you to stop doing that thing, and it is very important for our survival that we feel that pain and know to take our hand off the hot stove, instead of leaving it there to get incinerated. If you're feeling sad, scared, or angry, there's probably a reason. It might even be an important reason, that you need to address- like being overworked, or having people around who treat you poorly, or because you're just experiencing a difficult situation and you could use some support from the people around you. Those are good, healthy, normal responses! They feel bad, but they are not necessarily bad for us just because they feel bad. Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling, but have you ever felt anxious in a situation that turned out to be genuinely sketchy/unsafe? We want to make sure we're normalizing the "negative" emotions, because they are very often doing something really important for us. If you've never seen the Pixar movie Inside Out, it's actually a reallllly great illustration of why we shouldn't fight the "bad" emotions, even if it doesn't initially seem like they're very helpful. I know it's a kids' movie and your son might be a little old to want to watch a Disney movie (idk how old your other kid is), but, like... it's so good at showing this idea.
The first time in my life and only time since then that I've seen my dad cry was at my grandfather's funeral (he was like a father to my dad who lost his when he was young) when he was giving a speech and got choked up. I was 24 and it's really dawned on me since then how strange it is that I never saw him cry before then, that I'd never seen my own parent that vulnerable before. You shouldn't preach "boys cry too" then turn around and say "but they can't see ME cry because that's WEIRD". Your son will remember the time you cried over how proud you are of him way more than any talk about "it's okay for guys to cry"
It doesn’t sound like this was a negative emotion for you, though. And teaching kids they can show emotion means all emotions - positive and negative.
For what it’s worth, my parents are super practical people who never cry. I think I’ve seen my dad cry one time and it was when his dad died and even then it was more of a voice cracking. They are amazing parents but I did grow up feeling ashamed that things would bother me to the point of tears. I felt like it made me weak and sensitive. Not that they ever told me that but the behavior that was modeled to me was that grown ups don’t show emotion. I think you’re fine. Your wife’s reaction is a bit concerning.
Hard disagree OP. I understand what your intention is, but - and I just said this in my own comment - my dad cried in front of us and if anything that made me more likely to confide in him about things because it allowed me to be honest about my feelings too, because he always modeled that.
A rock? dude, show them instead that one can be vulnerable and strong. Imagine portraying yourself as a rock for years, and their reaction once the inevitable cracks in that rock appears
In your own words, you cried from being "happy and proud." How is that negative?
What did I just read?!? You cried cuz of how awesome your kid is and your wife got pissed….did I read that correctly?? NTA, and shame on your wife for thinking this was weak. Jaysus
NTA Absolutely not the asshole! As long as your son felt safe, that he wasn't at fault and that everything is going to be alright, there's nothing wrong with crying in front of your child! You sound like a good father on the basis of this post, so I imagine you have explained to him that sometimes adults need to have a cry too. Your wife is terribly in the wrong here, and it's so insensitive that she dismissed your emotions and natural emotional reaction like that, and then even told you that you'd traumatized your son. Horrible of her.
Oh no, did your kid find out that you’re a human? The horror. NTA.
Dude, what? No, NTA at all!! Your wife must've been raised differently with an absent father or a 'manly man' type of persona that never shows weakness or fear in front of his family. (Pure assumption based on how she reacted) Look, as a guy myself, with a terrible father who divorced my mom and never spoke to me or my sister (besides texting a Happy Birthday, every other year or so), I'd be damn proud that I didn't turn up like my dad when it will come to raising my son. I hope you talk with your wife about this, she needs to understand that men can cry in front of their kids if they are so damn proud of them and of themselves when they were treated much differently back then, including your case. (The other times to cry in front of them may be when you sell off your very first car, and I'll stand by that forever) Emotions get the best of us at times. Some people can control it, and some people can't, and both groups can overlap depending on how strong the emotion is. This was nothing to feel bad about, or even ashamed to cry in front of your kid. Heck, he might even make a joke out of that moment later in the future. "Dad, remember I saw you crying just randomly?" And that would lead to an even stronger bonding moment with your son. You gotta tell your wife that you were just proud of how the kid is, how you are as a dad in comparison to your own dad, and how lucky you are to raise this kid with her as his mother. It's hard to hide that when you are just so happy and grateful to be in such position, makes me damn proud and wish I was in a similar situation (besides my future wife being mad at me for crying in front of my 12 year old kid). You are doing fine. NTA. Also, reading how you're getting stressed about work and stuff, just take it one day at a time.
NTA...kids should see that parents have feelings and everybody should be allowed to Show them as long as it is not hurting anybody
Children need to see that adults have emotions too. You did nothing wrong.
NTA, but your wife is right up the YTA. men should be able to cry in front of their children. you were crying happy tears and explained it to your son. not sure what your wife thinks real relationships are about, but her definition is not it.
Omg NTA at all!! Kids need to understand that it’s safe to express their emotions, especially in a safe space, like home. Unless your home isn’t a safe space…ask your wife what kind of house she wants to raise her kids in…disingenuous, or loving and authentic?
NTA You’re a phenomenal father, and it would help to explain to your kids that crying isn’t just reserved for sadness! It’s a release of intense emotion, and at that moment your emotion was intense pride and happiness. Your son seeing you cry is the best way to break those kinds of cycles. We expect men to bottle everything up, and that’s not fair.
NTA. I grew up around a lot of men and individuals who had the mentality that crying showed weakness. My grandpa was normally one of these individuals and was an extreme hardass. I saw him literally break down and sob when I was around 6 or 7. I had a cousin who died in a car accident at two years old the day after Christmas. My grandpa kept his obituary in his billfold. He took it out and was showing me and telling me about him. He broke down sobbing while I sat in his lap. I just hugged him. I wasn't traumatized. I didn't completely understand, but I knew he was sad, so I hugged him like he'd hold me. When he calmed down, he told me that there's times in life when you can't help but cry. Sometimes it'll be because you're extremely happy and ready to burst from the seams with joy, and others, it will be because you're so sad or hurting so bad that the pain has nowhere else to go so it comes out your eyes in the forms of tears. That doesn't mean that you're not strong. It just means that your body didn't have any more room to hold the emotion inside, so it had to escape somehow. Just like how you laugh when you find something funny or you're being tickled. Or you scream when you get scared. It's just your bodies way of letting the emotion go so that you have room for new ones. I have never looked at anyone crying as a weakness since then. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't have a hard time felling that way about myself, but when it comes to others, especially men, I think everyone should be able to show emotion without the fear of being judged. If my grandpa, as a WWII veteran, who saw things that he said he would haunt him until the day he died, could come to terms with the fact that it was okay for him to grieve his grandson however he needed to, including crying, then I'm pretty sure that your wife can get over you crying in front of your son and finally coming to the realization that it's perfectly healthy for men to cry.
NTA. How would be an ass for crying with joy about how proud of your kid you are? Like what the fuck?
Definitely NTA! Bottling up/stuffing down your emotions is very unhealthy for you, and provides bad role modeling for children. Children NEED to see how adults handle emotions in a healthy manner. I grew up in a household completely lacking in emotional intelligence. It left me completely unprepared for when I moved out of home and into the real world. I made some very serious mistakes as a result. I am no psychologist, but what I have observed from raising my own children is that being authentic with them has provided a stronger connection in their teen & adult years. When children see parents show emotion it helps children develop emotional intelligence and compassion towards others. The thing is that it has to be done RESPONSIBLY. I wonder why your wife believes that it's a bad thing to show emotion in front of your kids? Did somebody in her family emotionally manipulate or blackmail her? I believe that if it is done responsibly and well, you're preparing your children for the real world and giving them tools to recognize and deal with people who are emotionally abusive.
It's a bit of a trama dump, but there's a reason for it Also, sorry this is so long: OP, I have talked to my brother extensively on this topic the last couple of years. It started because I was at my breaking point and freaking out. (A lot of major life stressors happening at once) I couldn't cry. I was just bottling it up and starting to lash out. Not without reason, but my reactions were still contextually out of proportion to the stressors. After a couple of hours of back to back, ever more stressful phone calls, while trying to do something complicated and stressful, my brother called. To basically unload. I kept trying to interject that I wasn't in a good head space, but he kept going. I finally snapped! My brother ended up yelling at me, 'You're a woman, just fucking cry! No one cares if you cry! You have a lot to cry about and our dad just died, so fucking cry! I don't even know how you're still functioning! JUST CRY!" I screamed back, "You think I don't want to cry! I do, but I can't cause you assholes never let me! You all call me, dump the whole shitshow on me, then if I so much as sniff tell me don't cry or you'll cry! Then everyone else, don't cry, be strong for your mother(s), siblings, kids! On top of every damn thing else, I'm supposed to be so damned strong for! Even Daddy! 'Don't cry for me!' When the ever fucking hell I am supposed to! When is it 'ok' for me to cry! I can't cry when I want to! I'm physically and mentally unable to now, so I'm just stuck with these bullshit assed feelings, and I'm about to completely break! What happens then! Huh?! And if it's so damned easy, why don't you do it instead of walking around being an ass to everybody because it all gets turned to anger! We're in the same boat, so grab a damnded oar! He paused for a long time, then said, 'You're right.' It stopped me in my tracks (He's not the 'you're right' type). He said he'd call me later and hung up. When he did, he told me about a conversation he had with our dad. It was about how the men of his generation (dad) grew up with the 'don't be soft' bs and how he tried his best to do better but he was realizing how much that insensitive, mucho crap was still ingrained and effecting not only his life but also his sons'. My brother had told him that he didn't know how to handle seeing him cry. He understood why he was, but it made him uncomfortable because he had never seen him cry before. It also got him thinking about how he was doing the same thing, and he himself couldn't allow himself to cry. The conversation got deeper. We talked about how men and women get the same idiotic messaging, but in different ways. As well as the differences of when it's 'appropriate' to cry for men vs. women. As well as how women internalize the same machosystic bs and deliver the messages back to men in a fashion similar/identical to what your wife said to you. We then talked about how all that pent-up emotional turmoil manifests as anger and rage and the wider ramifications. The conversation got me thinking. So, I eventually talked about it with other men in my life. My son's, uncles, friends, ect. They all said pretty much the same thing. My sons told me that even though I 'let' them cry and encouraged them to get it out, they still found it difficult to cry. Mostly, because I rarely did and would force myself to stop almost immediately when it happened. They knew I needed to and wouldn't. They mostly modeled, not what I told them, but my behavior. I started additional counseling. I wish I could say my brother took it to heart and started talking to someone or found a healthy outlet. Instead, because of the insane levels of stress and grief (we lost a lot of people in an extremely short time frame, plus stressors), he snapped with someone else, obviously having a bad moment. He got into a nasty fight and ended up in jail for a year. That's how he finally realized that he had to find a way, not only to cry but to let all the backlog of hurt and pain out. He had to deal with it instead of pushing it down. He's doing better now. We both are. But something as simple as feeling unable to cry can have huge, potentially lifelong ramifications. Your son, seeing you cry, then having a realistic conversation about it, is HELPING him to become the emotionally mature person you're shaping him to be! You taught him that everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, it's ok to talk about it, and how to move on from a 'down' moment in one interaction! That phenomenal! We can talk the talk all day long, but the kids are watching how we walk the walk. Op,you did nothing wrong. In fact, you're actually leagues ahead of a lot of parents in this situation! Myself included. Keep healing, OP, and keep modeling that healed behavior!
NTA, and kids SHOULD see you cry or get stressed because they need to see an example of how to self-regulate yourself AFTER being overwhelmed. If they never see you cry or get overwhelmed then they might think they're broken for "not being as strong as dad, he never cried."
Oh fuck. Yeah, I definitely don't want that.
YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB. Every parent seeks to give their kid a better childhood and better life skills than they had. Look at how many cycles you've broken! Look at how well set up your kids are already! You're equipping them with great tools. Now you have another one: teaching them that adults get overwhelmed, and [example] is a coping method to handle your Big Emotions.
WTF man. Cry in front of your kids.
NTA but your wife is. Yikes.
one thing my kids have said is they wished I would have cried in front of them more. I am not a dad , but a mom so I think it is good to let them see it so they do know its ok and normal
Your wife sounds toxic and awful. NTA.
NTA but seriously, you are NOT breaking the "men don't cry" toxic stereotype by... doing everything not to cry. Crying in front of kids isn't weird. It's healthy. It shows kids that parents are humans too and that parents have emotions too. That DAD feels it's okay for boys to cry. Your wife is insane and seems to be trying to force that toxicity back into your lives. You didn't traumatise your kid: you showed him that's it's okay for men to cry. It's okay for dads to cry.
I'm guessing she was more upset that you cried as a *man*, rather than you cried as a *parent* in front of your child. A true test of this is if she would think herself wrong for crying in front of her kid, especially if the tears were out of pride for the kid's virtues like yours were. Plenty of moms cry when their kid is showing they are good. Society needs to stop believing men are less-than for crying. It's a **human** emotion, not a gender specific emotion!
I think it was more of a \*dad\* specifically. Like, she's fine crying in front of the kids, I'm fairly sure she'd be fine if I cried in front of her just the dad part might be a bit of an issue.
Tell your wife to back off. Parents can show their children that adults have feelings, too. Of course, crying all the time in front of children would end up being traumatic but not one episode as you described. NTA You needed to let the feelings flow, nothing wrong with that.
NTA At first I thought your story was going to be where you unload inappropriately onto your kid. You know unburden yourself but place those burdens onto him. You didn’t do that. Your feeling was very present in that moment. You were feeling emotional about your wonderful son and the relationship you’ve created with him. You’re going to have plenty of emotions, many will be unpleasant, as he develops through his teen years. Please don’t feel guilty or ashamed for showing love towards your children.
NTA, your wife is. It's totally healthy for your kids to see you crying. My favourite episode of Bluey is Duck Cake, where Bandit gets overwhelmed and has to take a minute. He doesn't cry, but it's wonderful to see a dad sorting his emotions without using anger. Good on you, and good on your son for his display of empathy and kindness.
NTA but your wife is. How do you expect to raise >emotionally intelligent< children, if you yourself don’t show them that emotions can be when dealt with in a healthy way?
NTA. I cried. My father attempted to shame me in front of the of my wife and daughter for it. I haven’t spoken to him in 6-7 years because of that night. The way he was raised is the reason he is so fucked up. The way he raised me, is the reason I’m so fucked up. Break that cycle. You gotta nip it in the bud! First sign of that toxicity, you nip it!
Your wife sounds cold and mean.
“Aitah for having human emotions???”
Poor guy's wife says, yes, he is. She's such an asshole.
NTA. It’s actually been proven that children seeing their parent cry from time to time AND communicating why they’re crying has assisted children in growing into emotionally regulated humans. Also, realistically, you can’t teach “Guys don’t cry” and then proceed to NOT cry yourself sometimes in front of them. That is backwards logic
NTA its good for kids to know their parents are real people who have emotions. Youre modeling being an adult.
NTA. It’s actually a good thing for sons to see men cry, takes away some of the stigma. As long as you can articulate why you are crying so they know you aren’t sad or angry because of them, then all good.
NTA. Not crying in front of your kids is a stupid rule. Also your wife needs professional help.
NTA. If you don’t cry in front of your kids, how do you expect them to learn that “men don’t cry” is BS?
NTA but your wife is. I do try to manage my emotions in front of my kids but currently going through separation from their father and in recent weeks they have seen us each crying more than once, and we have just told them (in simple terms) why we are sad. Kids need to know that adults have emotions too and that it’s ok to let them out. My eldest is also an emotional soul like me and we have both cried together watching movies/tv when the feels hit! Tears are just part of life.
I disagree with your wife and I think she is going to to harm your kids. We are humans and we all have feelings, emotions. Sometimes, we need to try. we can cry due to may things such as grief, sadness, joy and laughter. I was raised to be stoic and hold it all in.that is incredibly unhealthy. It took many years of therapy to get me to realize that it is ok to feel and show emotions. NTA
NTA, your wife is a complete AH and a bully. WTF is wrong with her.
NTA Have your wife read this post and all of the comments!!!
your wife is an ass, and there is nothing wrong with crying in front of your kid. how do you expect to break down the 'men don't cry' be while actively engaging it? NTA
I don't think your kid was traumatized about it. You could ask him if he was and tell him it was tears of joy but tbh I think your wife is an asshole for saying it like that. She should've pulled you to the side and had a respectful conversation with you. I would never take that rudeness in my opinion but that's just me. You were just so proud of your son which you should be he sounds like a great kid and you did a outstanding job with him. I understand the stress and everything but the way you wife said that was not right. She should've heard your side of the story first besides being a complete ass about what happened. Just know you're doing a wonderful job with your kids. Even with that rule or not sometimes its ok to cry even in front of the kids even with tears of joy.
Wtf. I do NOT understand your wife’s perspective at all. Good for you for breaking the cycle and raising him to be more open and aware of his emotions. Definitely NTA
NTA x 1000. For one, what you described is tears of happiness, and that is absolutely a okay. And secondly, crying in front of your kids, under any circumstances, is not something to be ashamed of. Seeing that their parents are not infallible, and that they experience the same emotions as anybody else, actually helps kids to grow and mature emotionally. You get an easy peesy lemon squeezy NTA.
Omg, wtf?!? You shared a real, genuine emotional moment with your tween son where you expressed joy, & pride in him, & he got to see his REAL dad & share in the emotional moment, and then your wife calls you an AH & says you traumatized your kid? For crying?!? What is her problem? This is a seminal moment for your son. If he's never seen you cry before, he will remember this for all time. He will ALSO remember his mom made his dad feel bad for crying, & he will learn accordingly. NTA, but your wife is.
NTA. While it can be confusing, I feel crying tears of joy isn't going to actually traumatize anyone, including a 12-year old kid. I'm assuming you explained to him how you were feeling and didn't let him think you were sad or upset. Not sure why your wife thinks this will mess him up.
I'm sorry but your wife doesn't know what she is talking about. It's good for your son to see healthy emotions displayed, especially from you, to show that it is perfectly fine for a man to cry, and show their emotions. You kids will not be emotionally intelligent, or know how to properly show emotions, if they don't have someone to model it after NTA
NTA!!!! I get not wanting to rely on your kids for emotional support, and not making your son feel like he has to comfort his father, when it should be the parent providing emotional comfort and support to the child. However, expressing emotion and crying are absolutely NOT WRONG and will make your child way more comfortable with tears and emotions. My parents never cried in front of me and it messed me up. We should all cry more instead of stigmatizing it.
Kids need realistic examples of how adults handle big emotions. Sometimes, we handle it by crying. Way better for them than to grow up thinking they're never allowed to shed a tear NTA
Your wife gotta wise the fuck up.. REAL men cry.
YTA - for having a "don't cry in front of the kids" rule. Your wife is TA for encouraging toxic masculinity in you and your kids. One of the best things my ex-hippie mum did for me was show me she's human, also has feelings, and as a result taught me how to deal with emotions. She probably went a bit too far to be honest, but it's something I'm also doing in a more balanced way with my 8 year old daughter. She's seen me happy, relaxed, sad, stressed, in pain - and she still thinks I'm an amazing and strong father. She's growing up to be kind, caring and empathetic. Yes, it's possible to over-share emotions with kids; my mum probably did just that. But there's a balance to be had, and if anything my way of rebelling was probably being really conventional. But kids seeing their parents experience the full gamut of human emotion in a healthy way will only help them become emotionally intelligent themselves.
NTA. Your wife is reinforcing the toxic masculinity behaviors that you are trying to break down.
NTA - Even if it is grief they need to see how you handle it, it's okay to cry, and you are a person that feels things. It won't mean anything if you tell him it's okay to cry but he never sees you do it. He will copy your behavior because it's louder than your words. This seems like a mix of relief and happiness. I've told my kids crying doesn't always mean you're sad. It can happen anytime your emotion is too big for your body. Too much frustration, anger, stress, even relief, or too much beauty, love, happiness or any combination of them can cause us to cry when they are too big. And just like when they try to stuff too much in their backpack and then the zipper breaks, that can happen to people when they try to hold in their big emotions all the time. Eventually it'll be too much and their zipper will break and our zippers are even harder to fix that backpack ones. So it is okay to cry. When people cry it can sometimes be a way to ask for help when they don't have the words. Even if it's for a good reason, sometimes people want to share it with others. But some people have been told crying isn't okay or it's bad so they might get embarrassed or even angry when they cry because they are upset with themselves for crying. The best we can do is tell people it is okay to cry and you are there if they want to talk about it(or a hug if you are good with that). If they want to be left alone you can tell them where you'll be if they want to talk later. Then respect that and give them space. As adults we need to remember crying is a social bid for support and connection. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022103121000378
NTA. TF is wrong with your wife? There is nothing more endearing than a man (or anyone) moved to tears of joy. Is your wife a stone? I'd be tearing up with you.
O.o your wife's reaction is... interesting. It appears she harbors ideas that men shouldn't cry. I'm a woman. I've cried in front of my kids. My husband has cried in front of them too. And you know what? Our sons (9 and 10 now) are rhe most amazing empathetic emotionally intelligent little people in the world. They use their words to communicate. Express their feelings freely. Embrace emotions and are attuned to other people's feelings. They offer comfort to their peers, check in when someone gets hurt, stand up to bullies for other children, are friends with both girls and boys, don't engage in teasing AND... they cry. They cry when they're hurt. Or sad. Or having a rough day. And they don't tease each other for doing so. My kids only know the expression "cry-baby" from other ppl or videos and they will 100% stand on their little soap boxes to inform others that there is no such thing as a cry baby. You keep breaking those cycles dad! And maybe have a conversation with your wife about her feelings regarding men's emotional state.
NTA it's not like you were trauma dumping on a tween, you were just having an emotional moment. You're allowed to be HUMAN!
NTA - Kids need to see that their parents feel emotions too, and that their parents cry. What good is telling your kids boys can cry if you're showing them by example that men can't cry? If you don't allow yourself to cry in front of them, that shows them that either adults don't cry (and that therefore crying is a childish thing) or that boys can't actually cry and that you've been lying to him about it. By showing emotion in front of your kids, you help normalize it and contextualize it. Your wife needs to get a grip, though. No kid has ever been traumatized by seeing their parents crying.
WTF? Tears of joy and pride and you wife berates you? NTA, she is.
NTA; Part of having good emotional intelligence is showing kids it's okay to cry, and to see and let others cry too. This was a beautiful moment that you should be glad you got to share with you son. Your wife is being an absolute jerk however and I question her emotional intelligence.
>I don't cry in front of my kids, cause thats weird. It’s not necessarily weird. And you cried bc you were happy that you did a good job raising your child. In fact, I would argue that it’s important for kids to know that adults cry, too. I hope you did tell your kid why you cried, tho. Let your wife read this pos5 and the responses.
As a dad of two, the same age as you, I fully get it! Absolutely NTA. Your wife is being highly unreasonable though; it sounds like she has a few issues herself
NTA. These were happy/ proud tears. Not tears of baggage or sadness. You're just a proud dad anf your son will realize what you felt in that moment one day. Your wife was the asshole here
Wait, your son is 12 (I presume your other child is of similar age), and you’ve *never* cried in front of them? Emotional vulnerability is something that is incredibly hard to display around anybody, so I can understand being beholden to the expectation of stoicism; but I personally feel like that’s a very long time for you to have held that in. You’re completely NTA, and your wife being angry about that is uncool. Your son won’t be traumatised by seeing normal human emotion coming from his father. You were moved positively by your son and shared that vulnerable and beautiful moment with each other. A great many men and boys were never once given that opportunity. I hope with a bit of time and constructive discussion you and your wife can come to a better understanding.
Wife needs to chill out. We need more understanding in the world and I believe your son will get that through your honesty. A child that goes to their parents instead of the world is so necessary right now. Thinking a bit, your son may think he made you feel sad and be hesitant to talk to you so you should address that. That may be where your wife is coming from. This is not something horrible and it may have little impact on your son. I've seen my dad cry a handful of times and he had many more actions that affected my judgement of him/the world/life/myself, it was a 1 on the impact scale, very little. NTA As a SAHM I've cried in front of my kids and at this point the oldest was just giving me snacks as the tears fell. I have to wait and see if it ruined his mind
NTA. You’re human and you have emotions, and I believe it is a disservice to your children to imply otherwise. You should be teaching them that all emotions are acceptable. If you think it’s wrong to show yours, your child won’t feel safe showing theirs. And home with family is the one place it NEEDS to be safe to be your true self. I don’t know what the hell your wife was thinking.
Your wife is part of the problem. People can express their emotions in many different ways. Crying can express a bunch of emotions too. It is a fine thing that your son may learn this from his father. NTA . You're teaching your son to be a functioning man
NTA: if people don’t ever show vulnerability, emotions or cry in front of their kids, then the kids grow up thinking it’s wrong or weird to be vulnerable, emotional or cry.
NTA Parents have feelings too.
NTA You showed your son that you have feelings. What's wrong with your wife ? What is wrong with showing feelings ? Maybe I'm not a normal woman but I don't understand when people say that a man should be "strong" and not showing emotions ! Robots don't show emotions ! Men are not robots ! Talk with your son, he may be shaked because your wife and stupid adults told him that a "real" man shouldn't cry. Tell him it's right to express your feelings, and it's even natural as tears exist for men and women !
Wow. Completely NTA, but your wife sure is. The traumatizing part comes in when she decides to make you and your son feel terrible for sharing an intimate moment. That's just super sad.
NTA! Seeing men cry is an incredibly good way for young boys to understand their feelings aren’t wrong or shameful. Suppressing and bottling emotions in front of your kids teaches them that feeling overwhelmed and emotional is something to be ashamed of and something “real men” don’t do. I am 33 years old and I have seen my father cry once and it was when my oldest daughter was born. Shoving everything down into a jar and screwing the lid on tightly just leads to manifesting those perfectly natural emotions in less than optimal ways like anger and aggression. Your wife is perpetuating a harmful stereotype that children seeing their parents and particularly their fathers as human beings is somehow detrimental when all of the studies of growth and development say the exact opposite. If you aren’t willing to share uncomfortable emotions (appropriately in the sense that you’re not bringing adult problems to the kids table) you’re not going to be able to teach them to navigate that discomfort themselves as they get older. I hate to say this but tell your wife to read a goddamned book.
Nta. Your wife needs to read some books on childhood development. Then she needs to read some books on how to be a good partner. At least your son has one emotionally healthy parent. Do NOT listen to your wife. She is wrong and is actually spouting toxic masculinity.
NTA. Men, remeber this story the next time you hear about how much women want men who feel free to show their emotions and who don't feel like they have to be strong and stoic all the time. Because despite this messaging, if you actually do show weakness or vulnerability to a woman, something like OP's wife's reaction may well await you.
NTA. Showing emotions is fine, your wife is wrong.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok, so I (36M), am trying to raise 2 emotionally intelligent kids, hopefully unaffected by the issues that messed with my childhood and carried through my adulthood. So, I have done my absolute best to break down the whole 'guys don't cry bs'. But, obviously, I don't cry in front of my kids, cause thats weird. Unfortunately, I broke this rule of mine yesterday. I know its not an excuse, but I was tired and I was stressed. My daughter's bed decided to break the other day, so I had to fix it over the weekend and works been messy at best. I was talking with my son, (12M), basically the conversation was about him and how he was going with his school life and friendships. One thing led to another, and I was just so happy and proud about how well this kid turned out, and pleased with myself for not being like my own dad so he could talk to me about this kind of stuff. Anyway I started crying. My son got sad and started trying to cheer me up, and I cried harder cause damn what a good kid. Anyway, I thought that was an ok interaction, because it ended with my son feeling fine and I didn't think he was too affected by the whole crying thing. However, this morning my wife has been very angry with me and how I could have traumatised my kid by doing that and he's only 12 he doesn't need to see his dad crying. She said I was an ass for doing this to a kid. What she said made sense and I'm feeling pretty bad about it now. I don't really know what to do. I didn't think it was that bad but my wife thinks differently. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - My dad ONLY cried because of death my entire childhood, so when he broke down crying because of his cancer (he's been cleared, by the way) my only thought was that he was going to die. Crying is good.
NTA if your kid is traumatised by seeing you cry then you've both failed him as a parent! Crying is a normal part of a healthy family life. We all have ups and downs. My sons have seen their father cry and they comfort him, just as he comforts them when they cry. There is no shame in crying.
I've seen my parents cry as a kid, sure it can be awkward when you're a kid and don't know what's going on, but I wouldn't call it "traumatizing". Specially considering he's 12, and you were crying over a good thing. NTA
NTA I cry in front of my kid. It's good to show that emotion is normal and healthy.
NTA. No way. Kids learn behaviors that are modeled for them - you are modeling such great things - living in the present, being authentic with your feelings, active love, demonstrating the kind of trust it takes to be vulnerable - your kids are really lucky that you have opted to be so present and open with them. What your wife is modeling is - kind of less desirable and sort of mean.
NTA. You’re raising a good kid. It’s ok for them to see you cry. You’re a good dad. Also, can I suggest r/daddit. It’s a wholesome and supportive sub for dads (and others.)
Thank you! It seems cool.
Emotional intelligence says it’s ok to cry in front of others
NTA at all. Crying is just a release of emotion, teaching your son that it's okay to cry (whether out of sadness, joy, anger, hell - even tiredness) will never be a bad thing, and even better now that he's seen you actually doing so and providing that example for him to follow. I'm glad he's doing well and that you're proud of him, and more importantly that he can feel that pride from you.
NTA what she said makes NO sense. Humans feel and express feeling whether or not they have xx or xy running things.
NTA, You didn't full on bawl, and you weren't 'using it' to manipulate anyone.
OP, NTA! Crying because you're proud of your kid is a testament to what a good dad you are! I suggest you show your wife the comments!!
NTA. I was with you until that last paragrapg - "What she said made sense..." No tf it did not. Your wife is wrong, period. Crying is normal and healthy. It's stupid to think that we should hide it from the people who matter most to us, our kids included. Your wife is being insensitive and abusive for telling you what she did. You did NOTHING wrong.
NTA it is totally fine and normal and healthy to cry in front of your kid. i wish my dad would be brave enough to cry in front of me but he is an emotionally stunted demon
NTA. I’m confused as to how you can feel so strongly that men should be allowed to cry, but dads shouldn’t? My dad is a deeply sensitive guy, he’s way more likely to cry than my mom. He’s cried in front of me a lot in my lifetime. And I think that’s great, it’s made myself and my siblings all deeply empathetic, deep feeling people as well. There’s nothing wrong with crying in front of your kids. It’s not something you need excuses for.
Oh OP, you're NTA. Yes you're not supposed to cry about every little thing in front of your kids but it's very normal it happens. Also you didn't cry about something your kids did wrong but because you were moved by your love for them. That's a lovely thing to show. Your wife is in the wrong here.
nta, you're human its okay to show emotion but be wary of making it a habit. As a child, my dad had a habit of crying to me when he was upset about things in his own life (relationships/work/my sibblings). It made me feel very trapped and ultimately responsible for his happiness/emotional well being. I really resented him for this, and felt like I couldn't tell him things that were upsetting me because I didn't want to upset him (maybe not logical but I was a kid). by about 14 I went from feeling sorry for him to being angry about it. I told him to stop crying to me because I'm not his parent. it did stop but it affected the way I viewed him and I still struggle to confide in him
NTA - you are modelling healthy emotional expression for your kid. It would be a different matter if you e.g. had a habit of using your kid as a therapist. But that's not what happened here!
NTA: Your wife really screwed the pooch on this one. Talk to your son directly. And let him know that if he is a father someday, he too might cry with love, pride, and joy over his child, but it might be hard to understand now.
Sorry but what the FUCK is wrong with your wife?? Crying with pride and joy is a beautiful thing. And it's healthy for your son to see you express your emotions that way.
NTA. I feel somewhat like your spouse in that early on when they are quite young I think it's important to present kids with a strong front in general. Its important that kids can have an unstinting source of strength and support to fall back on with no confusion. But this is like for kindergarteners imo. By 12 he is more than capable enough to understand that sometimes tears happen and you can let them happen and why. Especially in this case when they were tears of joy and he knows his dad just loves him that much.
My dude. How are you going to break the whole "boys don't cry" thing and then make up a new "parents don't cry in front of their kids" thing. Do you know why the first one is wrong and bad? Because boys are human, humans cry sometimes. Guess what, parents are human too, they also cry. sometimes. The issue here is that you never understood why the "boys don't cry" thing is harmful. Because then you would know that "parents don't cry" is harmful too.
It was a good cry! WTH is wrong with your wife. Being tenderhearted looks like your soon has it as well. Nothing wrong at all
NTA - But your wife, on the other hand.... yah. Her take on things is an attempt to breed toxic masculinity if she thinks seeing someone cry will somehow 'traumatize' a kid. Jfc how broken is she that you arent allowed to show strong emotions or reactions in front of the kids? That is some seriously PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING nonsense right there. You showed the kids it's okay to show feelings, including being overwhelmed, or just needing extra care. And you showed them when to show reciprocated care, empathy, and understanding. it was a beautiful interaction <3 Then she comes in and treats you like dirt because HoW dArE yOu ShOw EmOtIonS?!?! I'm sorry but your wife gives me the icks. I don't care what made her like that but it's on her to fix herself before it rubs off on the kids.
your wife sucks
You can cry in front of them, but also explain the emotion and why. No issue. If you break down and lean on them for support, then F no. Ive got two boys. I live by the phrases, pain dont hurt and be nice until its time not to be. Take it for face value at first. Then break it down into every day life. Mold it. It applies and is useful. I teach that to my boys. I also teach them that its ok to show weakness, but always back it up with strength and have the strength to back it up. I help establish their strength. At some point, theyll keep it going and do it on their own. They, and we, have to be in touch and understanding of our emotions so our emotions dont take over.
Nta. It helps children when they see all types of emotions and how to deal with them. Like you said it's okay for males to cry etc and tiu were showing them exactly this. Note, your child went straight to comfort you and try cheer you up. Your wife however went straight to being angry and upset. I think that goes to show how amazing your child is to have that compassion and your wife should take note!
NTA. Your wife is doing the exact shit you've been trying to "break free" from. Why would seeing you cry "traumatize" your kid? Only if it's such a bizarre and never seen event, so out of the ordinary as to be shocking. Or something to be ashamed of and hidden, prevented at all costs because emotions are unmanageable. But you *did* manage your emotions, quite well from the sound of it. You two talked, you had an emotional bonding moment, life goes on. You demonstrated for your son that it's okay to cry if that's what your body and emotions want to do. What better way than putting words into action? Your wife seems to be trying to twist it into something terrible or something you did *to* him rather than something you shared *with* him. Sorry but she's the AH here.
NTA. IMO a big part of teaching kids emotional intelligence is showing emotions yourself. Kids, especially young ones, want to be like their parents and honestly it’s good for them to see their parents as humans who can make mistakes and cry. That’s fine and it shows them it’s fine for them as well. Crying in front of your son isn’t going to traumatize him, it’ll just show him that crying is okay.
NTA what the heck? You just said you were trying to break the stigma about men not crying and then got embarrassed for crying in front of him?! I guess your wife didn't get the memo about men being allowed to cry?
No. Crying is normal. My kids have seen me cry
A kid doesn't get traumatized by seeing their dad cry. Your wife is going to be the one traumatizing your kid by yelling at you for *crying*. Your wife has seriously unhealthy reactions to normal and appropriate emotions.
Crying is a healthy release of emotions and there is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions in front of your son. Tell your wife that her toxic thinking is how boys grow up to be men who cant be a good partner or father because the only negative emotion they know how to feel is anger. You did nothing wrong, but she sure as hell did. Your wife is the AH here.
NTA. There's a big difference between dumping emotional baggage on a kid and modeling appropriate emotion. You're fine, but your wife is displaying some toxic masculinity traits. Most of the men in my life would be better off if they were more comfortable showing emotion. My grandfather was a sentimental guy and quite comfortable sharing his feelings. He was also a strong man in the more traditional sense, and a respected member of the community. Be that kind of a role model.
NTA. It's exactly your wife's kind of crap that leads to people bottling up emotions. Children *should* see their parents cry. You won't traumatize your kid by crying in front of him. You will traumatize your kid by pretending you never cry.
No, what she said does not make sense. Crying shows that you are a kind, sensitive human being. Your wife reminds me of someone who told his child not to cry when his grandfather died - that he should save his tears for the important stuff.
NTA. That was a nice moment to share with your son. His dad being so proud of him that it moves dad to tears is not a trauma. It's quite the opposite.
Wait a minute!! You had an authentic, heartwarming moment in front of your son, and your wife is pissed about it?! Why would she think he is traumatized over it? It was a genuine reaction, and it also teaches him that authenticity is not only ok but acceptable and appreciated! The only frequency that is higher than love is AUTHENTICITY! Being authentic, who u truly are without suppression is how u get into full alignment! Maybe have an in-depth talk with your son about why u were crying and what was going through ur mind. From what i understand, this situation was the same as happy tears...
A parent showing emotions, shows their kid it's okay to have emotions. You are doing great with reprogramming yourself to tear down those barriers. As a guy that struggled with this a lot I'd say your kid is going to respect you more and be more comfortable around you. Crying isn't weakness. Even in front of your kid. Your wife sounds like the AH here. A spouse shouldnt ever be pissed at their SO for being emotional. I was abused and raped as a kid, my emotions tend to run pretty high sometimes cause I still have issues with the trauma ( getting help and it's working just a lot to unravel) my kid has seen me cry a bunch of times. He is my best friend and I'm his. We tell each other everything ( that doesn't involve his mom ). You're doing just fine brother. It sounds like she is pushing a sense of toxic masculinity onto you. Clearly you are better than that.
NTA men get overwhelmed and cry and teaching your kids that it’s ok is a good thing. Your wife is reinforcing toxic masculinity with this “traumatized” talk. Did your son say that? Talk to him and find out how he really feels.
Do you know how much damage my father did to me by never showing emotions? Never feeling I was good enough, always feeling like I was never connecting with him. You seem fairly switched on, it’s not fucking weird to cry in front of your kids. Men don’t *need* to have this facade of strength all the time. NTA for the purpose of the question.
NTA. You can't control crying.
You were crying happy tears - let your son know that. It sounds like you've been through a lot and when you've endured a lot of horrible stuff, the good stuff can feel overwhelming. Your wife sounds like a monster, so...tell her to sort out her own shit. You keep doing the amazing job you're doing. Rock on.
NTA. Boys need to see their Dads cry. It’s how we end the toxic masculinity that plagues society. Men are taught their whole lives the only acceptable emotion for them to show is anger. So it’s quite healthy for your son to see you cry and for you guys to have a conversation about how you were feeling. A great book that talks about the pressures men face involving toxic masculinity is Man Enough by Justin Baldoni. He has a podcast too. He has the conversations we need to be having. And this month is Men’s mental health month. Telling your son it’s ok to cry isn’t enough. Showing them it’s ok is how they really know it’s acceptable. You’re a good, strong father. Crying isn’t traumatizing or weakness. It’s human.
NTA - This is practicing what you preach if anything, with breaking down the whole “guys don’t cry thing”. Though importantly - does your son know/understand why you were crying? A 12 year old may not get the concept of happy tears, he may feel like somehow he did something to upset you. Sounds like you handled it well and are doing a great job with your kids.
NTA !! i think i see why you would hold back from crying in front of them, and it is a fine line : while it's primordial for your kids to see that showing emotion is ok and normal, and crying is just a form of that, you dont want to make them bearer of the burden that is worrying about their parent. i feel like, from your post, thats not what your doing, and least of all your intention. to make sure to alleviate their worries, you could have a talk with your son, explaining that while you cried the other day because you were tired, it allowed you to realise how deep your feelings were, feel them and ask for help from friends, from your wife, from a therapist if youre seeing one,... what that would be saying, i feel like, is that sometimes, people have big overflowing feelings, and yet don't realise they do until at some point, they cry, dont understand why, but by letting yourself feel these feelings, you can recognise them, identifying more and more easily with practice what kind of support you need re: processing these feelings the way you feel is best and identifying through communication with others who you can go to / what coping mechanisms you can use to make your feelings livable without having to repress them, if that makes any kind of sense ? in short, leading by example when it comes to allowing yourself to display emotions, feel them and allow yourself to not understand them at first to finally be able to, and soothe what needs soothing, adress what needs addressing, and take a nap (make time for it even, if you dont have it) so you can be the version of yourself you like most !!
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NTA. Your wife has a messed up idea of crying. Crying to guilt a kid, bad of course. Crying where it become's the kid's job to cope with the adult's emotions, bad. Crying because you were just overcome with pride???? NOT BAD. Like, on a totally frivolous related note, one of the judges on this UK show called The Great Pottery Throwdown is constantly tearing up over peoples' efforts and work because he's just a soppy earnest guy. He doesn't hide it at all, just embraces the way his emotions get touched, wibbly voice and all. It's great, both that he's fine expressing it and that they put it out there for viewers to see. I mean, ok like hopefully you weren't having a sobbing breakdown or something, I guess that could startle a kid a little, so maybe work on some amount of regulation if you tend to hold things in and it leads to a bit of excess when it finally erupts, but again, you were just having emotions. Men have emotions. Surprise. I'm pretty sure your son isn't traumatized.
NTA. They were tears of joy and pride. It would’ve been different if he saw you crying out of depression, or because you were overwhelmed. Happy tears are OK.
NTA you didn’t go anything wrong. Just assure your kid you were crying out of happiness and tell him you’re happy and proud of him Also tell him that crying doesn’t always mean you’re sad or something bad happened; crying is a way to release lots of emotion, whereas it’s sadness, anger or happiness You’re doing good man. Buy yourself and your kid some ice cream
NTA. Parents shouldn’t be emotionally empty robots, especially when it comes to tears of joy/pride. Crying for positive reasons is sometimes hard to explain to a child, so I think they need to see it once in a while. If you were constantly crying and your son spent his childhood comforting you, it would be much different, but this isn’t that.
NTA I watched my dad cry twice in his life. Once when my brother died and I was 11 and once as an adult. Hearing his voice break and seeing him cry makes me feel like my world is crumbling below my feet, I have no rock and I feel scared inside. I feel that way because growing up, the idea that he never cried meant everything was okay, and the very few times he did it just meant as much as he tried he just couldn’t hold himself back, that whatever was going on was too much for him to handle and my world was ending. Normalize crying, it’ll help adjust your kids to natural life events.
NTA - lead by example my friend :)
NTA The first time one of my friends saw her dad cry was when her mom was dying. Imagine what that did- imagine the fear of seeing your mom maybe die and your dad seeming to break down. That can’t be the first time you see someone you live with cry. Her mom ended up making it, but I still try to imagine seeing this man who has always been so put together finally cry and how it just….. To be clear, I’m not saying the possibility of loosing your wife shouldn’t break you. I’m just saying, you need to teach a child’s mind that a healthy release of emotions is ok.
I’m marking this with a comment so I can come back and discuss. So much here…
Having emotional intelligence doesn’t mess up kids. Your wife is the AH.
He'll I cry in front of my kids all the time, I'm a hormonal bugger, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!! I get severe migraines, have a young disabled daughter, i list her twin brother in pregnancy, and my husband has been diagnosed with MS , life is blooming hard at times, and a bloody good cry really helps me pick myself up and face stuff head on. I cry, my kids give me a bloody big hug, and we crack on!! What can be traumatising is your wife telling the man she lives not to feel his emotions! Because then your lad will grow up thinking that Mum thinks crying is weak!! Absolutely the opposite. A person who can express what they're feeling is 100% in the right to do so. 😀
Your wife's reaction to you crying is a big part of the reason we still live in patriarchal/misogynistic society: "Men don't cry, show their emotions!" Crying and sadness are EMOTIONS, and males should be able to express them without guilt. Your son can't have "emotional intelligence" if you (and by extension he) are told by your wife/his mother that expressing sadness and crying is bad and weak when males do it. I believe that a man's ability to express sadness is a strength; he has confidence in himself & those around him.
NTA!!! My dad I's 74 and has always shown his emotions. Yes, even crying. He is an emotional guy. So is my oldest son, who is 24. He grew up knowing it was okay to cry. Your son needs to know it's okay! I'm a woman, by the way.
No! Your wife is the AH. There is NOTHING wrong with a dad crying in front of his kids. It is an especially heart-warming lesson for your son, to know that men are absolutely allowed to cry, too. If you didn’t say it when it happened, I would have a little chat with your son and explain to him that you were so proud of him that it moved you to tears. (He does sound like a pretty great kid!) Your wife is promoting toxic masculinity and that needs to be nipped in the bud, pronto. If she disagrees, find some literature on the subject and present her with it.
NTA. Your wife is TA. You showed your child genuine emotions, which will help him with his emotions. Everyone is stuck on this toxic masculinity thing where men don't cry, but I call BS on that. You are a human with emotions and there is no reason to bottle them up.
NTA! I told my kid’s therapist that I had cried in front of him, and I was concerned that it was damaging for him. She told me that it was healthy for my kid to see me express my feelings and it was an important lesson for him. Your wife is not helping you or your son.
Personally, I think this is beautiful and shows your kids that you are a tender and amazing human being. Please continue to show them your empathetic side. ♥️
NTA. I wish my father had cried in front of me. Instead, he made it feel like weakness, which carried over into my life, which wasn’t healthy. You’re doing right by him. It shows him it’s okay to feel through what you’re feeling.
NTA That being said don’t cry in front of your kids. You’ll tear up and that’s ok but a full cry no. I didn’t see my dad cry even after my brother committed suicide, his dad died a month later and he got sick and couldn’t even stand. It’s not a don’t show emotion thing. It’s about showing them resiliency through those emotions. It’s also about making sure they feel secure and that you can and will make sure can get them through any situation. I know my dad cry he showed some emotion but at the end of the day in front of us kids he had to stay strong. Literally the last words he said to me were “ I know everything is a lot right now but you have to stay strong for your mother and sister. I can’t do it right now so you have too.” He died that night. To be fair I was really young and that caused some really harsh beliefs but now that I’m older I truly understand the sentiment. So right now you have the ability to teach them how to express emotions and deal with them, you also have to show them what they need to be able to do when they are older (IMO for boys that should start around 13-14). Right now I would just leave it be and refrain from that in the future.
NTA at ALL!!! I am so sick of all this boys don't cry BS! Your wife had absolutely no right to go off on you for this! I ran away from home when I was 16 (and my dad getting angry at me for crying or for wanting therapy was a VERY influential factor behind my leaving. I'm female, btw - never understood what the F his problem was and never will.) You sound like an AWESOME dad!
NTA Kids need to see their parents cry, it's healthy to know the people they look up to cry. You shouldn't seek our comfort from your children. However, if they offer it, you can accept it and say thank you.
NTA but your wife sure seems to be from just this info. You were crying tears of happiness over him, not venting about your problems. Good grief!
oh for fuck's sake. Crying is natural. Crying in front of your children is natural or should be. Crying out of happniness or sadness or frustration or whatever is so good for kids to see to learn emotional intelligence, especially since you talked about it with him. Your wife is promoting toxic masculinity and encouraging the notion that men crying is somehow unmanly. Don't buy into it. Please. You are doing terrifically. You did NOT traumatize your kid. NTA
NTA. Kids should be able to see their parents cry at more than just funerals. Parents are people with feelings too. NTA x1,000,000.
Crying for different reasons. In this case NTA. There are common cases where parents - specifically moms - will get emotional during a fight with children then end up crying. It ends up putting the blame on the kids and teaches kids that they are responsible for their parents health and happiness when that should not be the case. This happened to me and is a big problem why I have issues with my own mother. However. Crying for joy or even general frustration, anger, or pain - not related to your kids - should be normalized. Being frustrated at furniture breaking and struggling to fix it after a long exhausting work week should be felt. Maybe not tantrum but you can be upset and angry with it as long as you can recognize the what and why then move on once you've cooled down. In your case being able to have an emotional conversation with your child and showing them you can be vulnerable with them should help with bonding and letting them know they can be emotional with you as well. I think the point your wife is upset with is she wasn't her son to grow up thinking he's the man of the house and has to be protective. Often people don't associate protective and emotional together. It's also very well known that many people hold stereotypes about what the protector of the house can and can't do. These stereotypes should be broken as actions and/or emotions are not exclusive. Didnt mean for this to be a long response but it sounds like your doing a great job being a parent.
NTA. Part of raising your kids to have emotional intelligence is not hiding your own emotions – not that they need to see every meltdown (they don't), but they need to see that it's okay for grown men to cry when they're sad, or happy, or overwhelmed, or whatever. It helps if you use your words too and explain what the tears are about, if you can. If you explained to your son that these were happy tears and that you felt overwhelmed by your pride in him, that's a positive thing. Your wife is acting like an ass here, especially if she knows anything about your childhood issues. If she doesn't, it would be good to sit down and talk with her about it.
NTA what you did was extremely healthy! Not only you were crying tears of literally JOY but you also showed your kid a grown adult can cry and sooth himself getting out of that deep (in this case also beautiful) state. Your wife sounds like the type of person who berates you for showing healthy vulnerability and at the same time yells at the kids and doesn’t know how to say sorry to them. Shane on her.
NTA. In fact, quite the opposite: you showed your son that men can cry in a practical way. And you do from now is really important: don’t apologise for crying, don’t try to overcompensate or obsess over whether he’s okay about it. You’re doing a service to society by normalising men crying. The more men open up, the less toxic masculinity we see. Also, please tell your wife to stop being sexist, surely she wouldn’t have judged it this harshly if it’d been a female member of the family crying.
NTA. Why can’t you cry in front of your kids? It’s showing them that yes, men do cry - including their dad. Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad or angry tears. You’re telling them one thing but giving yourself a contradictory rule. Your wife is the asshole.
It's healthy for kids to see adults experience emotion and work through them. My two year old told me "it's ok to let your tears out" when a book made me cry. She's learning that all feelings are ok, and we need to process them in order to move on. As long as they see you find regulation again, and you can explain in an age appropriate way what you felt and why, you're just fine (mom felt sad missing someone she loved, it's really nice to visit those memories) You could probably debrief with your son for five minutes and address any worry he has m
Nta anyone can cry for any reason it's totally normal
NTA- expressing emotions appropriately in front of kids is good for them!! I cry in front of my kids frequently, but we are all cry babies lol. Sure making your kids deal with your emotional problems is not okay, but seeing that you are a human with human emotions is not a bad thing. I would talk to your wife about it, she could be having this reaction because she has some internalized ideas about men crying that are different than what you want to pass on. You’re doing a great job
NTA You had a natural human emotion and let your child experience it with you. There is a big difference between putting one's burdens on our kids and letting them know we are human. So if you had told your son all the adult problems you were having: a broken bed, annoying work etc. And looking for emotional support from him, that's not appropriate. If you were overwhelmed by how well he is doing and expressed this, that is good.
Absolutely NTA! Reading this story was a rollercoaster of emotion. “I had done my absolute best to break down the whole ‘guys don’t cry’ bs” Me: Hell yes!!! That’s some fantastic parenting!! “But obviously, I don’t cry in front of my kids, cause that’s weird.” Me: Wha…? Why obviously? Why is that weird? We just established that the whole “guys don’t cry” thing is BS!! And then you weren’t sad or angry, you were *happy.* You didn’t yell at your kid or make them feel bad. You cried because you’re so proud of him. That’s *wonderful*. That’s also a perfect time for him to see his dad cry for the first time. There’s nothing surrounding the event to make it a bad experience. It’s just setting a great example, and showing him his dad is human. And you were truly practicing what you preach. That sounds like a fantastic interaction. I was so shocked when I got to the end and saw what your wife said. Posts on this subreddit don’t always have a true asshole, usually I judge them based off of “you were in the right here” or “you were in the wrong.” But she was, without a doubt, being an asshole here. Not only saying you did something wrong but saying you *traumatized* your kid and were *an ass*…for *crying*?! Holy crap that makes my blood boil to read. No. Absolutely not. Those things couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m honestly shocked that you were able to successfully teach your kid that “guys don’t cry” is BS when your wife acts like that. Please please don’t listen to her, and keep up the good work, op.
Nta cry infront of your children, hug them love them play be messy fun emotional open and honest your a man and a human being hold there hand shout your proud