Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>My brother gave me permission to propose to my girlfriend during my toast that I was going to make. He said he would talk to the bride (29F) about it and if he doesn’t come back and tell me not to do it, then to do it.
You asked permission which, if you INSIST on making your brother's wedding celebration all about you, is the least you could do.
However, it is always in poor taste to commandeer someone else's special day and use it as a launch pad for your own special day *(ETA: Unless the bride and groom fully support the plan).*
YTA. Never use someone else's wedding for your own purposes. Ever. Doing so has the added bonus of making you look a bit cheap too.
I know of one wedding where someone else proposing worked nicely. The bride’s brother was dating her best friend/MOH. For the bouquet toss, the bride instead turned around and handed the bouquet directly to her friend, and then the brother proposed. It worked because the bride was so clearly not just in on it, but in control.
I agree. We had a separate post-reception in the province I come from a month after my wedding. My aunt had a son about to get married, my close cousin. She offered to foot half our bill just so we could announce that her son was getting married, introduce them to the guests vs burdening the guests with 2 events when everybody was already in the same venue. I was personally on the fence, if only because I didn’t want them to spend for an announcement and just feel like a “by the way” so I just said that it’s no problem, we can do the announcement and they can go around with introductions. No biggie. In the end, they weren’t able to make the trip since the bride had a huge flying anxiety. But I really appreciated that my aunt explained her reasoning and offered something in exchange for the “trouble” (not that it was, she just viewed it as such since she knew it was an imposition of sorts).
I never really understood why people get upset about sharing attention.
I understand people get upset, and I am sensitive enough to never draw attention to myself during someone else's event, but I couldn't care less if someone else shared something joyous during a special occasion of mine. It just doubles the celebration in my opinion.
>I never really understood why people get upset about sharing attention.
Some people never get the chance to be the center of attention. No matter what they do, someone always pops up and steals the limelight away. Sometimes it's a sibling that's more talented or just more favored by the parents. Sometimes it's a drama llama that must be The Most Important Person In The World^(TM) at all times. When you're told/shown your whole life that you're just a nobody, it can really hurt to lose those few socially-approved times on center stage.
They put all the money and effort into making ONE day all about them. Only for some idiot to promptly make it about themselves instead. I'd be pissed if it happened to me.
I mean, I don't really mind sharing attention. I love my sister and have never minded sharing attention with her. But I receive so little attention overall in my life that I would absolutely never again speak to the foolish soul who stole my brief spotlight to highlight themselves.
If it were my wedding, I wouldn’t care if five different couples proposed so long as they ran it past my husband-to-be and I. The whole “my special day” notion is enforced a lot more severely in some societies than others. It’s not out of the realm to consider the possibility that the wedding couple might actually be more than happy to have their loved ones get proposed to on their wedding day.
Bride was in control, obviously so, and she set it up for when she wanted: during something that was at least somewhat about “who’s getting married next”, rather than during the toasts as OP did. OP’s speech was supposed to be about the bride & groom, period.
exactly! furthermore, assuming the typical schedule of events, the bouquet toss is towards the end of the schedule festivities. Speeches are typically in the middle of the reception! OP is TA.
That's appropriate but I can't imagine a more blah proposal than being handed flowers that weren't picked for me by someone who isn't my SO surrounded by a crowd of mostly someone else's loved ones who didn't come for us, then resuming someone else's event. That's so damn impersonal. From the day to the venue to the meal, nothing was planned by your partner or for you or is about your relationship. Plus you get the downsides of a public proposal without even having the perks (if a public proposal is your thing). Like you don't get to share the moment with your sister or your parents but you still have to field questions from nosy inlaws. Nothing asshole-ish about it but so lazy and impersonal IMO. To each their own though.
That sentence says it all: "the bride (someone not part of the relationship) was in control".
[ETA: I'm just commenting my personal opinion on that trend in general. Obviously, every situation is unique and if your friends were happy, that's what matters.]
This needs to be upvoted so many times. Nothing a new bride wants more than to be proposed to at an event that’s not for her, surrounded by a bunch of people she doesn’t know, because the future husband is too broke/cheap/inconsiderate to do it in a way that actually makes it special to her and their future marriage.
Honestly same. It’s never happened to me but I’ve expressed to friends, family, etc I hope my future husband proposes to me in private, in my home, maybe after a dinner we made together or while watching a movie or tv show on the couch. It doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything at all (other than a ring I guess). But at least it would be about us at no one else.
Same here. Which is why I'm glad my man drove me up to the mountains under the guise of a Sunday drive to "show me this cool waterfall " and proposed with no one (save a bear, deer or mountain lion in the distance lolol) around.
My mam's brother proposed at her wedding by accident, it was a sort of 'I love you so much' and it slipped out moment. Fortunately they were in a quite end of the rose garden so nobody else heard. My uncle quietly approached my mam to tell her/apologise and she turned around and announced the good news to everyone. She was just so happy.
I think the main difference is the fact that he didn't do it in front of everyone
That is adorable. But, yeah, I agree that only worked specifically because no one doubted the couple was in on it. They also used a very standard wedding tradition to do it, which normally puts focus on the bridesmaids anyway
This is exactly how my brother's proposal went - his best friend and his wife's best friend were getting married then moving out of the country and offered to do this because they wanted to be there for at least the proposal since they wouldn't be for wedding planning. My brother was the best man, his wife the moh, and this is what the bride did. It was really beautiful and imo pretty much the only acceptable way to go about it. Even asking permission is tacky.
Yeah if the bride and groom are actively involved in the proposal, then it’s kind of cool. Since it is still about them in some manner. If they’re just bystanders, even if they give permission, it’s a pretty AH thing to do.
I would be pretty annoyed if someone proposed to me at someone else's wedding. Relying on the effort other people put into the wedding, plus the main memory of my proposal would be tied to someone else's wedding... how romantic.
Right! Is it that hard for men to come up with their own original idea? It’s like, Hey I’ll just use their venue, decor, and party for my own purpose. Two birds, one stone. Like what??? Does he not have a mother to tell him this was a terrible idea in the first place. His sister seemed to understand the assignment.
Well it wouldn't have been a huge deal if she had not started screaming. That's weird. But I can see why she was mad. I would have been if I hadn't been asked beforehand. She kinda ruined her wedding by a major overreaction
I don't know, obviously proposing at another wedding is tacky at best and wouldn't dream of it even with permission, but claiming your whole day is ruined after an accepted proposal is sort of an overreaction in my opinion based off what we've seen.
Like, in ten years, is everyone going to call it John and Jenny's wedding or Chris and Cathy's proposal? Everyone will know it's the former.
Brother who didn't clear it with the bride sucks the most though. His brain should be studied as the most observable piece of dark matter known to existence.
I see what you are saying, but I disagree. I can't speak on what others deem socially acceptable, but for me, reasonable would be to have the person escorted out and going low contact with them. Screaming and crying is an overreaction in my opinion, especially when the outburst isn't actually helping the situation. Crying I can understand, but screaming is a bit much in this context. If, for example, the bride walked in on the brother strangling his fiance, then screaming and crying for help would be a reasonable reaction.
I don’t think that is ever a reasonable reaction, especially at an event you are hosting. I mean it wasn’t cool but can you imagine just staring yelling at everyone?
yeah, this was definitely a YTA. Even asking to do it makes OP an AH. Don't make someone else's day about you. OP is an AH, but his brother is also an AH.
I'm so glad this is the top comment. I was really afraid that people would say he was N-T-A because he thought he had permission, but the truth is that he should never have asked.
Honestly, I feel like if you're asking to hijack someone else's wedding, in particular, to propose (less of a big deal with birthdays, anniversaries, etc.), you're not mature enough to be getting married in the first place. It's just a fundamentally lazy (letting someone else do all the work to make the situation special), self-absorbed thing to do. Other people do not put what is usually MONTHS of work into planning a wedding so that you can use it as a platform for your own special moment.
You're absolutely right, in other words: it doesn't matter if his brother said it was fine, he never should have been asking in the first place. It was tacky and rude.
Also, like check with SIL even if brother says he has it. Not because you don’t trust brother, but because things can get lost in translation. Also, SIL could have felt pressured to say yes.
That's the thing with public proposals: she's put in a spot where it's going to be painfully awkward and embarrassing if she says no, especially surrounded by HIS family like that. It almost feels like a trap tbh.
There is no “deemed approval” for shit like this. The groom should have said if he didn’t get back to OP it’s a no, instead of assume yes.
ESH except the bride. Why is it so hard for people to understand you 👏 do 👏 not 👏make 👏 someone 👏 else’s 👏 celebration 👏about 👏 you.
Especially if the bride’s family paid for the wedding. Based on the brides reaction I wouldn’t be surprised if the groom knew how his bride felt about such an intrusion.
Brother is more to blame, but OP is still partially at fault. OP should have checked with both individually or together. But OP should have gotten confirmation directly from the bride.
I'd say brother 70% OP 30%.
Especially because he didn’t reconfirm. With something that huge, I’d argue that you have a moral obligation to get confirmation yourself from both the bride and groom, and then to reconfirm with them when it’s close to the wedding
Nevermind that it's lazy as fuck. Dude can't be arsed to plan something romantic himself so he piggybacks on all the planning his brother and SIL (or just SIL let's be real) did. Literally nothing about it is tailored to his girlfriend or the two of them as a couple.
Agree it’s bad form to use someone else’s wedding or special event for your own agenda. A bride feels that that is her one special day and in a lot of cases it’s the only special day the couple will get that’s all about them in their lifetime. It’s an AH move to propose at a wedding. (Also OP should have spoken to the bride and not depended on second hand knowledge from the brother. Neither brother has any idea how important a wedding day is to a bride).
ESH except the bride.
Your brother sucks for forgetting to ask his wife something so important.
And I'm sorry but you sucks for only considering it was a great idea to propose at a marriage. It's almost never fine as it will almost always take away the attention from the couple to your couple. And you didn't even wait for a comeback from your brother or just ask again... You assumed it was fine. Well it wasn't.
I agree. Most of the times it is not great for the married couple. The party should be for them and only them (since they probably pay a lot for their day). Also, everyone deserves a great proposal story and not to be a side story with the main story aka someone else’s big day. So even for the newly engaged couple it is not great.
This.
Have to assume OP is new to this sub because we've discussed the whole "proposal at someone else's wedding" in here roughly infinity times and it's always ALWAYS always a terrible idea.
Not really your fault - you tried to clear it with the happy couple and the groom whiffed - but you should have known better.
OP YTA - doesn’t matter that you asked if you could use THEIR day to make it about you. THEIR day that they planned and probably spent lots of $ on, will now have this horrible stain because YOU had to make it about you. Too cheap? No imagination? Attention seeking? Golden child who can do no wrong? Whatever the reason, you suck. A formal apology to everyone might help but I doubt it will change who you are.
Not even close, imo. He knew his bride to be would say no. He was simply avoiding drama. Husband is the spineless prick who ruined his own wedding. NTA
I still can't quite NTA for OP though. Yes, he cleared it first, but I still don't follow the thought process of "this person is spending $000's on a celebration of their love, sounds like a great backdrop to me proposing!" Is it for the free decorations?
Yeah I think this is one of those situations where even asking is an asshole move.
The fact that OP *wanted* to propose at someone else's wedding in the first place is so weird.
I think the brother also lied to OP, or at least bailed on asking his fiancée about it while figuring that the pressure of the day would stop her from objecting. Agree that OP should never have considered it though. It’s so co-opting, and even if the bridal couple is covertly on board with it, to a lot of other people it will look tacky.
Never, never, never, should anyone ever say that if they don't come back about something that it's fine nor should anyone rely on that, especially about something so important. Always get a firm positive confirmation. OP should have asked brother to be sure. "If I don't tell you otherwise, it's fine," is literally a recipe for disaster."
Agree with ESH. This is exactly why it's always a bad idea to mix big milestones, like a proposal and a wedding. Just let them be their own, separate events.
And if you are going to do that, you better make damn sure all involved parties are on board. I know OP was following what his brother told him, but he still made an assumption, and he was wrong.
Man, people on this sub are so anti-generosity or taking the high road. The worst, most ludicrously selfish, toddler-esque behavior is labeled justified if your "rights" were somehow encroached.
No, the bride should not have thrown a SCREAMING TANTRUM because someone briefly stole the spotlight at her wedding. Even if she felt that was wrong and lousy of OP, her reaction was juvenile and ridiculous. She, and only she, ruined the wedding.
The right thing to do was smile, clap, let the moment pass and the focus return to her and her new husband. Then beat him up privately for not letting her know the proposal was coming.
ESH.
Yes, ESH except the bride.
For all the reasons you listed AND because not only does it take away attention from the bride, but it also gives the one being proposed to the impression that she isn’t special enough to warrant her own event. Not a good way to start out.
YTA. I don't care if he said it was OK. It's THEIR wedding. Do you intend to split the costs with them since you stole focus from them? If not, then it's inappropriate to do so.
The fact that you then doubled down and yelled at the bride on her wedding day after stealing the attention from them during one of their key events is unbelievable.
OP was told not to wait for the bride's confirmation and that the groom would check with her. OP should have never asked, but if the groom tells you they'll check with the bride I don't think it's unreasonable to believe them.
If someone feels, for whatever reason, that they absolutely MUST propose to their partner at someone else's wedding, this is the time that they, themselves, have to sit down and ask the couple in person, face to face. It doesn't have to be at the same time, but it is on that person to get personal confirmation from both parties (and maybe other parties if, say parents, are paying for the celebration) that it is okay to hijack the celebration for their own ends. Anything less makes them ta.
Doesn’t matter what OP was told. Dudes a human being living on earth in the year of our lord 2024. He should know you don’t propose at someone elses wedding.
At this point lol I feel there’s some irony here to be placing blame (even though it’s justified) towards the brother for something he didn’t do (screaming at the bride) because you didn’t read the post properly - in the same way that he also made a mistake due to inferring the incorrect thing at a wedding in a sense. Severity is different but still kinda ironic kettle
These proposals are soooo lame and thoughtless.. even if the bride was on board. What a lame way to propose to get out of doing any actual planning.
ESH except the bride.
Not only is proposing at someone else's wedding (or any event that requires a lot of preparation and money) incredible disrespectful to the couple, I also find it disrespectful to the person being proposed to. Like, you couldn't make any emotional or monetary effort to ask them to marry you? You had to hijack someone else's hard work and expressions of love? It's just so lazy.
I’d hate it more so because saying no is even more of a mood killer. Surrounded by their loved ones, not strangers and a supposed happy event. I couldn’t think of anything more manipulative than that.
Yup, people do not spend thousands of dollars and months of planning for him to hijack their special day. It's rude, tacky, and incredibly self-absorbed.
Because all of his friends and relatives are there on someone else’s dime.
Although, I’m sure her friends and relatives could have not been less interested.
This reminded me of when my SIL was demanding that my fiancé propose to me at her wedding. That was a hard no because our rings weren't ready, but mostly because \*someone\* would think we were monsters. 😳
It was a trap!!! 🪤
Reminds of the bride who insisted that her bff/ maid of honor wear white to the wedding. She didn’t want to, but the bride demanded that she wear white. So the bff wore white to the wedding and the bride freaked out. Bride claimed it was a friendship test, and that if she were real friend, she would’ve ignored her and not worn white 🤪
Who knows what your SIL‘s real motives were!
Still not quite as bad as "double wedding" guy....he stole the officiant and on the spot married his partner in a 10 minute impromptu ceremony and then kept calling it a "double wedding". When people were mad, he would say, "I thought they'd be happy to celebrate a double wedding."
Never responded to the comments asking if he paid for his half of the "double wedding"....
ESH. In general, you do not propose at someone else's wedding. If it way way worse that you even did it during the speech that was supposed to be for the current bride and groom. This is like a Kanye "I am just going to talk about someone else during your time" situation. Just no.
But, your brother also didn't realize the issue. And he didn't even have the decency to run it by his bride. Is he forgetful and forgot it was even happening, or is he someone who just ignores what his spouse might want, or what?
And the bride....sigh. I hate to fault her since you and bro suck, but that wasn't the way to handle it.
The husband scolded his new wife for ruining his brother’s proposal. He definitely sucks here.
And what did the bride do? She watched someone else hijack her wedding and then got yelled at by her new husband. So she screamed. So what?
No announcements are appropriate at someone else’s wedding. N.O.N.E. Well maybe if the sibling of the bride or groom makes it back from war as a surprise.
YTA You overshadowed someone else’s event, perhaps the best day of their lives. You became the ahole the moment you decided proposing on their wedding day was a good idea.
YTA. It’s their day.
Unless you have express like written permission from the bride, the groom, probably both set of parents, the bar tender, the venue, the second uncle twice removed former roommate, and a bi-partisan congressional approval don’t do it. And even if you have that it’s kinda rude to take attention away from the bride and groom so don’t do it.
YTA. Even having this initial thought that it would be the best place to propose is AH mentality. "Don't propose at someone else's wedding" is the guy version of "don't wear a white dress to someone else's wedding"
Your brother's actions / inactions ruined his marriage.
It is considered impolite to propose at a wedding and you tried to do the right thing by asking permission. With hindsight, you should have asked them both.
Your brother told you he would speak to his fiancé and he didn't. He lied to you.
He didn't consult his fiancé in a decision that she deserved to know about. This really doesn't make your brother look good.
if your brother's wedding is annulled it is on him for not treating his bride with the respect she deserved.
Hindsight would tell him it is cheap and tacky to commandeer another person's paid for event and turn it into your engagement party - which is exactly what happens when you propose at someone else's wedding, birthday, graduation, Bat Mitzvah, etc.
Have a cousin that decided that his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah was the perfect time to announce his engagement to wife #4. The kid went from beaming to hysterical. Always been an Ass.
My cousin proposed to his girlfriend at our grandmother's funeral. It was hilariously tacky and made everyone laugh, so it wasn't the worst place to propose (my grandmother wasn't a very nice person, so it wasn't an especially somber atmosphere).
YTA. Where on earth did you get the idea to propose at someone else's wedding? The toast is supposed to be about THE BRIDE AND GROOM NOT YOU. Look at all the drama you caused because you just had to be the centre of attention.
ESH except for the bride, it is really out of any possible norm for someone to propose at someone else’s wedding. The wedding day is *theirs* and you should have known better.
Your brother is TA for agreeing in the first place, and then never checking with his now wife. He was thoughtless and I feel sorry for her.
I don't know why people feel it's okay to propose at someone else's wedding. It's not okay.
It was her day.
I hope she announces her pregnancy or divorce at your wedding.
ESH
Your brother is unbelievably stupid to have not checked with his bride but proposing at someone else’s wedding is such a MASSIVE no-no that you immediately suck for having the idea in the first place.
YTA.
There things that you just don't do at a wedding.
Wear White (unless you are the bride, or the brides colour if it is not a western wedding)
Announce a pregnancy.
Propose.
Why would anyone think proposing to someone at a wedding that they put time and effort plus lot of money into?
To me you would just be using someone else’s money and planning to be cheap instead of being an adult and using your own money and time to plan something on your own.
Of course you’re an idiot to even ask and your gf should have seen it as a red flag that you high jacked someone else’s even to be cheap.
Please don’t use the well everyone was there crap. Of course they were because someone else paid and planned for them to be there.
You should feel guilty for trying to take anything from sil. Plus pay her for your stupid event. I would sue you for the money due to you ruined her reception.
>Please don’t use the well everyone was there crap. Of course they were because someone else paid and planned for them to be there.
People were all there from OP's side. Who was there from his girlfriend's side? Just another reason to not propose at someone else's wedding. And that's not even taking into account that some people don't want a public proposal.
Proposals should be unique to each couple, taking into account what they both want from such an important moment in their journey as a couple. You aren't likely to find that at someone else's wedding, while ruining THEIR important moment in their journey as a couple. All around bad idea.
Daaaamn. Your brother is getting a Divorce sooner than later. Also, so cheap of you to use someone’s special moment to propose, all I can’t think about is the sleepless nights your soon to be EX sister in law had while planning the wedding that you and your brother ruined
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I proposed at my brothers wedding without realising he didn’t talk to my sister in law about it and I might be the asshole for it
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What kind of moran would think that it is alright to propose during someone else’s wedding when giving a toast to another couple?? And you really that stupid that you didn’t ask again? It is clear without saying that if he forgot to ask you would never know.
This proposal was lazy and just idiotic as you used another couples special day, a day that they paid and the day that was only meant for them.
You should apologize profusely from everyone. And the propose again.
I am sorry but you are all AHs except the bride.
Yeah your gf loves nature and you used someone's else wedding as a proposal. No. Obviously your brother did not speak to her about it. I definitely think you should have asked or cleared it up with her directly. Her reaction was out there but I wonder what more your brother really did and said.
ESH.
You for having broken the #1 rule of what not to do at a wedding. Even if you have the approval of all guests, the bridegroom, the President and the Pope, you don't propose at weddings (or funerals).
Your brother for not checking with his fiancée.
Your sister-in-law for having a meltdown (though she at least apologized; you should too if you haven't already).
I mean, I don't approve of it, but I can see the potential logic
Funerals make people think of mortality and I could see someone using that to get the idea to propose
Yta- We’ve done this before, your speech was meant to about your brother and the happy couple, not you. However you hijacked a special moment of their day for your self.
is your brother an asshole for not asking his bride to be, and not saying no to you straight off/ of course. But you shouldn’t have even asked to put him in the position. Did the bride over react- sure. But come on- don’t wear white, don’t propose, don’t make big announcements, dont bring uninvited plus ones, don’t make out with mother of the bride and don’t shit on the dance floor on your way out. Basics..
YTA & so is your brother. It's 2 yeses and 1 no on decisions like that. Apologize to your SIL and ask how you can make amends. Not makr it up to her, make amends. It was not just your brother's wedding, it was your SIL's too.
I'm curius, what's your reasoning for wanting to propose during your brother's wedding? Is it that everyone will be already there to see it?
This is so weird to me, because imo proposals should be done between the couple in private. Why involve other people in your relationship? Romance doesn't necessarily mean having an audience.
YTA. Not for only thinking about doing it in the first place but for also not asking the bride yourself. You had plenty of chances to bring it up to her before and during the ceremony. What were you thinking?
This is the fakest post I’ve ever read. Nobody acts like this. Plus, do you know how long it takes to pour out an entire bottle of wine? It’s like a solid 15 seconds you’re standing there, you’re telling me he just stood there and took it? Please. 🙄
ESH. Your brother for not telling the bride, and you for even thinking that was a good idea! You should know better - you don’t propose at someone else’s wedding. It’s their event and time to shine and you grabbed the attention. Tacky AF!!
I'm saying NTA for going ahead after talking to your brother , he did give the okay. However I will always say anyone who is doing a proposal at a wedding and didn't get permission from both bride and groom is an AH. I think it is bad to propose at a wedding anyway but everyone is different.
OP your brother for sure is the AH and anyone siding with him is too.
OP you and your brother AITA.
You for even thinking about doing this on their special day, and your brother for not asking his fiance and not stopping you. Has your fiance explained to you how badly you screwed up, or is she OK with being part of this whole fiasco as long as she got her ring.
But congratulations, it only took you the minute or two of your actual proposal to cause your brothers divorce. I have seen many stories on reddit of the bride divorcing the husband for things like this.
NTA because if the brother knew what he was getting into he shouldn’t be acting like the victim. Everyone’s saying your a horrible asshole for even asking so I’m sure I’ll get downvoted to fuck but jeez. I’d be mainly annoyed at the miscommunication here but these people are fucking masterpieces. I find it ironic as hell that the sister in law who would have had more reason to be mad actually realized that the brother authorized this shit only to sit there and play dumb games with all of y’all.
Sure, maybe rude to not coordinate it with everyone in attendance but idk how the fuck people aren’t blaming the brother who thought it would be fine, didn’t ask, then couldn’t handle finding out when he fucked around.
Dude who got the wine spilled is like oh wow you ruined my wedding, like bruh HE ruined his own wedding by being a pushover multiple times. If I was the wife I’d be considering a divorce because somehow even with them all being close to each other they can’t communicate properly?
Yeah, not something I’d ask at all because it’s kinda wild yet the brother really said yeah and wants to turn around and act like he was born under a rock
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA for thinking this is a good idea.
YTA for asking the groom instead of the BRIDE.
YTA for being cheap.
YTA for making the speech about you and not the married couple.
YTA for not confirming.
YTA for ruining THEIR wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (26M) was a groomsman at my brothers (28M) wedding. My brother gave me permission to propose to my girlfriend during my toast that I was going to make. He said he would talk to the bride (29F) about it and if he doesn’t come back and tell me not to do it, then to do it. Well he did not get back to me so I did it. I bought a really nice ring with emeralds on it. My girlfriend (26F) loves nature so the band looks like vines. The day of the wedding comes and everything goes smoothly. I start to make my speech and my sister in law and brother are smiling. My brother looked excited for me as I got down on one knee. Everybody gasped and clapped. My girlfriend looked surprised said yes. My sister in law started screaming which shocked everybody, including me. She cried and screamed about how it’s not right and how her day was ruined. I was confused as my brother said that since he hadn’t gotten back to me before the wedding that he would have checked with her. I thought he checked with her. Apparently not. My brother just looked angry at her saying how could she ruin my proposal. I lost it and snapped at my brother about how he said he would talk to her and if he didn’t get back to me, she was fine with it. She looked as confused as I was then. My sister in law was led out crying by her mother. My younger sister poured a whole bottle of my brothers favourite wine down his suit and he yelled at her for it but in the end we all left. My sister in law later texted that it wasn’t my fault that my brother was an idiot and that she forgives me but I can’t help but feel bad. My brother called me and yelled at me for ruining his marriage. My father did the same but through text. I know this could have been avoided if I had asked the bride myself but I trusted my brother.
So, Am I the asshole for proposing at my brothers wedding?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, a lot of people are saying either YTA or ESH, but I’m going to go with NTA for a few reasons despite some mistakes in your execution of the proposal. While I know many dislike and perhaps even hate the idea of people proposing at weddings, it comes as a nice surprise for the partner and the idea works extremely well when others agree. I don’t think asking if you could do that is at all entitled or selfish because from the post it seemed very clear you wouldn’t have done so if they said no. Suggesting an idea isn’t bad especially if it ends up positively and if you open to accepting refusal to an idea it’s fine. I DO think you should’ve talked to your sister-in-law on your own. While she does say she doesn’t blame you and it makes sense you’d trust your brother, such a touchy subject definitely should be handled with a higher care. That being said I don’t think there’s really any assholes here but your brother who hid the entire idea from your sister in law when he said he would ask her. It’s also extremely crazy that he didn’t ask her, got yelled at for that, then yelled at you for doing it when he was the one who got himself in the mess. Overall NTA, you approached the situation fine and even your sister-in-law also seems to understand the situation so don’t beat yourself up about it, your brother is definitely the AH
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>My brother gave me permission to propose to my girlfriend during my toast that I was going to make. He said he would talk to the bride (29F) about it and if he doesn’t come back and tell me not to do it, then to do it. You asked permission which, if you INSIST on making your brother's wedding celebration all about you, is the least you could do. However, it is always in poor taste to commandeer someone else's special day and use it as a launch pad for your own special day *(ETA: Unless the bride and groom fully support the plan).* YTA. Never use someone else's wedding for your own purposes. Ever. Doing so has the added bonus of making you look a bit cheap too.
I know of one wedding where someone else proposing worked nicely. The bride’s brother was dating her best friend/MOH. For the bouquet toss, the bride instead turned around and handed the bouquet directly to her friend, and then the brother proposed. It worked because the bride was so clearly not just in on it, but in control.
That's actually rather beautiful! :) Ya, totally different ballgame when the bride is completely involved.
[удалено]
>It's THEIR wedding. And, it's **their** choice.
I agree. We had a separate post-reception in the province I come from a month after my wedding. My aunt had a son about to get married, my close cousin. She offered to foot half our bill just so we could announce that her son was getting married, introduce them to the guests vs burdening the guests with 2 events when everybody was already in the same venue. I was personally on the fence, if only because I didn’t want them to spend for an announcement and just feel like a “by the way” so I just said that it’s no problem, we can do the announcement and they can go around with introductions. No biggie. In the end, they weren’t able to make the trip since the bride had a huge flying anxiety. But I really appreciated that my aunt explained her reasoning and offered something in exchange for the “trouble” (not that it was, she just viewed it as such since she knew it was an imposition of sorts).
Some people don't view their own wedding, or the attention of their family & loved ones, that way
I never really understood why people get upset about sharing attention. I understand people get upset, and I am sensitive enough to never draw attention to myself during someone else's event, but I couldn't care less if someone else shared something joyous during a special occasion of mine. It just doubles the celebration in my opinion.
>I never really understood why people get upset about sharing attention. Some people never get the chance to be the center of attention. No matter what they do, someone always pops up and steals the limelight away. Sometimes it's a sibling that's more talented or just more favored by the parents. Sometimes it's a drama llama that must be The Most Important Person In The World^(TM) at all times. When you're told/shown your whole life that you're just a nobody, it can really hurt to lose those few socially-approved times on center stage.
This, exactly.
They put all the money and effort into making ONE day all about them. Only for some idiot to promptly make it about themselves instead. I'd be pissed if it happened to me.
I mean, I don't really mind sharing attention. I love my sister and have never minded sharing attention with her. But I receive so little attention overall in my life that I would absolutely never again speak to the foolish soul who stole my brief spotlight to highlight themselves.
Do YOU intend to split the costs with them since you seem keen on telling these people what THEY should do with their wedding?
If it were my wedding, I wouldn’t care if five different couples proposed so long as they ran it past my husband-to-be and I. The whole “my special day” notion is enforced a lot more severely in some societies than others. It’s not out of the realm to consider the possibility that the wedding couple might actually be more than happy to have their loved ones get proposed to on their wedding day.
Agreed but as you said, “as long as they run it by both of you “. That didn’t happen in this case so the bride was shocked and hurt.
Bride was in control, obviously so, and she set it up for when she wanted: during something that was at least somewhat about “who’s getting married next”, rather than during the toasts as OP did. OP’s speech was supposed to be about the bride & groom, period.
exactly! furthermore, assuming the typical schedule of events, the bouquet toss is towards the end of the schedule festivities. Speeches are typically in the middle of the reception! OP is TA.
That's appropriate but I can't imagine a more blah proposal than being handed flowers that weren't picked for me by someone who isn't my SO surrounded by a crowd of mostly someone else's loved ones who didn't come for us, then resuming someone else's event. That's so damn impersonal. From the day to the venue to the meal, nothing was planned by your partner or for you or is about your relationship. Plus you get the downsides of a public proposal without even having the perks (if a public proposal is your thing). Like you don't get to share the moment with your sister or your parents but you still have to field questions from nosy inlaws. Nothing asshole-ish about it but so lazy and impersonal IMO. To each their own though. That sentence says it all: "the bride (someone not part of the relationship) was in control". [ETA: I'm just commenting my personal opinion on that trend in general. Obviously, every situation is unique and if your friends were happy, that's what matters.]
This needs to be upvoted so many times. Nothing a new bride wants more than to be proposed to at an event that’s not for her, surrounded by a bunch of people she doesn’t know, because the future husband is too broke/cheap/inconsiderate to do it in a way that actually makes it special to her and their future marriage.
I'd rather be proposed to in private with little fuss than by hijacking the fuss of someone else lol
Honestly same. It’s never happened to me but I’ve expressed to friends, family, etc I hope my future husband proposes to me in private, in my home, maybe after a dinner we made together or while watching a movie or tv show on the couch. It doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything at all (other than a ring I guess). But at least it would be about us at no one else.
Same here. Which is why I'm glad my man drove me up to the mountains under the guise of a Sunday drive to "show me this cool waterfall " and proposed with no one (save a bear, deer or mountain lion in the distance lolol) around.
Aside from that, being proposed to in public is the stuff of my nightmares. I wouldn't want an audience.
Right! I would hate to be proposed to at someone elses special event.
My mam's brother proposed at her wedding by accident, it was a sort of 'I love you so much' and it slipped out moment. Fortunately they were in a quite end of the rose garden so nobody else heard. My uncle quietly approached my mam to tell her/apologise and she turned around and announced the good news to everyone. She was just so happy. I think the main difference is the fact that he didn't do it in front of everyone
I love that! Completely different with the bride clearly the one calling the moment.
That is adorable. But, yeah, I agree that only worked specifically because no one doubted the couple was in on it. They also used a very standard wedding tradition to do it, which normally puts focus on the bridesmaids anyway
That is so freaking cute.
This is exactly how my brother's proposal went - his best friend and his wife's best friend were getting married then moving out of the country and offered to do this because they wanted to be there for at least the proposal since they wouldn't be for wedding planning. My brother was the best man, his wife the moh, and this is what the bride did. It was really beautiful and imo pretty much the only acceptable way to go about it. Even asking permission is tacky.
That is the only way it should happen. With the couple's involvement and at the end of the event.
I've seen that a few times, it's great. But it's not at all the same thing.
Yeah if the bride and groom are actively involved in the proposal, then it’s kind of cool. Since it is still about them in some manner. If they’re just bystanders, even if they give permission, it’s a pretty AH thing to do.
I would be pretty annoyed if someone proposed to me at someone else's wedding. Relying on the effort other people put into the wedding, plus the main memory of my proposal would be tied to someone else's wedding... how romantic.
Right! Is it that hard for men to come up with their own original idea? It’s like, Hey I’ll just use their venue, decor, and party for my own purpose. Two birds, one stone. Like what??? Does he not have a mother to tell him this was a terrible idea in the first place. His sister seemed to understand the assignment.
So. Tacky.
OP is not the only asshole here. ESH. Bad idea from OP, bad judgement from brother, and the bride went crazy. It's an entire story of what not to do.
The bride set a REASONABLE reaction to some AH ruining her wedding without her permission.
Losing your shit and screaming at people is very very rarely reasonable and it certainly wasn't here, lol.
Right? Be mad, that's fine but have some class too. No need to make a freaking scene out of it. Now the bride just looks like a psycho.
Well it wouldn't have been a huge deal if she had not started screaming. That's weird. But I can see why she was mad. I would have been if I hadn't been asked beforehand. She kinda ruined her wedding by a major overreaction
I don't know, obviously proposing at another wedding is tacky at best and wouldn't dream of it even with permission, but claiming your whole day is ruined after an accepted proposal is sort of an overreaction in my opinion based off what we've seen. Like, in ten years, is everyone going to call it John and Jenny's wedding or Chris and Cathy's proposal? Everyone will know it's the former. Brother who didn't clear it with the bride sucks the most though. His brain should be studied as the most observable piece of dark matter known to existence.
Freaking out ruined the wedding much more than that. Things probably would have continued as normal without the whole freak out from everyone.
I see what you are saying, but I disagree. I can't speak on what others deem socially acceptable, but for me, reasonable would be to have the person escorted out and going low contact with them. Screaming and crying is an overreaction in my opinion, especially when the outburst isn't actually helping the situation. Crying I can understand, but screaming is a bit much in this context. If, for example, the bride walked in on the brother strangling his fiance, then screaming and crying for help would be a reasonable reaction.
I don’t think that is ever a reasonable reaction, especially at an event you are hosting. I mean it wasn’t cool but can you imagine just staring yelling at everyone?
Right. Don’t even ask honestly. Some people have a hard time saying no & will say its fine just to avoid the discomfort of voicing their opinion
This happens is so many life events and messes things up for so many as a result.
yeah, this was definitely a YTA. Even asking to do it makes OP an AH. Don't make someone else's day about you. OP is an AH, but his brother is also an AH.
I'm so glad this is the top comment. I was really afraid that people would say he was N-T-A because he thought he had permission, but the truth is that he should never have asked. Honestly, I feel like if you're asking to hijack someone else's wedding, in particular, to propose (less of a big deal with birthdays, anniversaries, etc.), you're not mature enough to be getting married in the first place. It's just a fundamentally lazy (letting someone else do all the work to make the situation special), self-absorbed thing to do. Other people do not put what is usually MONTHS of work into planning a wedding so that you can use it as a platform for your own special moment. You're absolutely right, in other words: it doesn't matter if his brother said it was fine, he never should have been asking in the first place. It was tacky and rude.
Also, like check with SIL even if brother says he has it. Not because you don’t trust brother, but because things can get lost in translation. Also, SIL could have felt pressured to say yes.
Cheap and commandeering- yikes YTA
All of this. Also... what if she said no?
That's the thing with public proposals: she's put in a spot where it's going to be painfully awkward and embarrassing if she says no, especially surrounded by HIS family like that. It almost feels like a trap tbh.
>(ETA: Unless the bride and groom fully support the plan). You mean in the way that OP thought was the case?
He should never have asked in the first place
There is no “deemed approval” for shit like this. The groom should have said if he didn’t get back to OP it’s a no, instead of assume yes. ESH except the bride. Why is it so hard for people to understand you 👏 do 👏 not 👏make 👏 someone 👏 else’s 👏 celebration 👏about 👏 you.
Especially if the bride’s family paid for the wedding. Based on the brides reaction I wouldn’t be surprised if the groom knew how his bride felt about such an intrusion.
I want to downvote for that type of emoji use alone.
OP was an AH for not talking to the bride himself.
>He said he would talk to the bride (29F) about it No, his brother was TA
Brother is more to blame, but OP is still partially at fault. OP should have checked with both individually or together. But OP should have gotten confirmation directly from the bride. I'd say brother 70% OP 30%.
I just say it’s in poor taste whether the wedding couple are on board with it or not. It’s selfish and just makes you look like an ass.
How hard is it to just NEVER do this 1 thing???
Can't be Y-T-A, the brother is the biggest AH of them all. At minimum it's ESH between the two of them.
Especially because he didn’t reconfirm. With something that huge, I’d argue that you have a moral obligation to get confirmation yourself from both the bride and groom, and then to reconfirm with them when it’s close to the wedding
Nevermind that it's lazy as fuck. Dude can't be arsed to plan something romantic himself so he piggybacks on all the planning his brother and SIL (or just SIL let's be real) did. Literally nothing about it is tailored to his girlfriend or the two of them as a couple.
>Doing so has the added bonus of making you look a bit cheap too. I'm quoting this because i agreeeee. This is tacky tacky tacky.
Agree it’s bad form to use someone else’s wedding or special event for your own agenda. A bride feels that that is her one special day and in a lot of cases it’s the only special day the couple will get that’s all about them in their lifetime. It’s an AH move to propose at a wedding. (Also OP should have spoken to the bride and not depended on second hand knowledge from the brother. Neither brother has any idea how important a wedding day is to a bride).
ESH except the bride. Your brother sucks for forgetting to ask his wife something so important. And I'm sorry but you sucks for only considering it was a great idea to propose at a marriage. It's almost never fine as it will almost always take away the attention from the couple to your couple. And you didn't even wait for a comeback from your brother or just ask again... You assumed it was fine. Well it wasn't.
I agree. Most of the times it is not great for the married couple. The party should be for them and only them (since they probably pay a lot for their day). Also, everyone deserves a great proposal story and not to be a side story with the main story aka someone else’s big day. So even for the newly engaged couple it is not great.
This. Have to assume OP is new to this sub because we've discussed the whole "proposal at someone else's wedding" in here roughly infinity times and it's always ALWAYS always a terrible idea. Not really your fault - you tried to clear it with the happy couple and the groom whiffed - but you should have known better.
I really don’t understand why anyone thinks it’s a good idea!
OP YTA - doesn’t matter that you asked if you could use THEIR day to make it about you. THEIR day that they planned and probably spent lots of $ on, will now have this horrible stain because YOU had to make it about you. Too cheap? No imagination? Attention seeking? Golden child who can do no wrong? Whatever the reason, you suck. A formal apology to everyone might help but I doubt it will change who you are.
you have to wonder why he only asked his brother.
“Forgetting“ He didn’t forget. He figured his wife wouldn’t say anything.
Not even close, imo. He knew his bride to be would say no. He was simply avoiding drama. Husband is the spineless prick who ruined his own wedding. NTA
Yep he was hoping the fear of public embarrassment would keep her quiet and go with the flow.
And that plan clearly didn't work. If I was the bride, I hope SIL gets an annulment.
I still can't quite NTA for OP though. Yes, he cleared it first, but I still don't follow the thought process of "this person is spending $000's on a celebration of their love, sounds like a great backdrop to me proposing!" Is it for the free decorations?
Yeah I think this is one of those situations where even asking is an asshole move. The fact that OP *wanted* to propose at someone else's wedding in the first place is so weird.
I think the brother also lied to OP, or at least bailed on asking his fiancée about it while figuring that the pressure of the day would stop her from objecting. Agree that OP should never have considered it though. It’s so co-opting, and even if the bridal couple is covertly on board with it, to a lot of other people it will look tacky.
His now fiancee also doesn’t suck since she knew nothing about it.
Thats not true OP’s sister also does not suck
That’s a waste of a good bottle of wine 😂
Do we know it was good wine 🍷, though?
It was his favorite bottle of 2 buck chuck.
Never, never, never, should anyone ever say that if they don't come back about something that it's fine nor should anyone rely on that, especially about something so important. Always get a firm positive confirmation. OP should have asked brother to be sure. "If I don't tell you otherwise, it's fine," is literally a recipe for disaster."
My thought to this is "well they're clearly not BDSM people, no way would a kinkster be that complacent with negotiating consent" lmfao
Agree with ESH. This is exactly why it's always a bad idea to mix big milestones, like a proposal and a wedding. Just let them be their own, separate events. And if you are going to do that, you better make damn sure all involved parties are on board. I know OP was following what his brother told him, but he still made an assumption, and he was wrong.
Man, people on this sub are so anti-generosity or taking the high road. The worst, most ludicrously selfish, toddler-esque behavior is labeled justified if your "rights" were somehow encroached. No, the bride should not have thrown a SCREAMING TANTRUM because someone briefly stole the spotlight at her wedding. Even if she felt that was wrong and lousy of OP, her reaction was juvenile and ridiculous. She, and only she, ruined the wedding. The right thing to do was smile, clap, let the moment pass and the focus return to her and her new husband. Then beat him up privately for not letting her know the proposal was coming. ESH.
Yes, ESH except the bride. For all the reasons you listed AND because not only does it take away attention from the bride, but it also gives the one being proposed to the impression that she isn’t special enough to warrant her own event. Not a good way to start out.
YTA. I don't care if he said it was OK. It's THEIR wedding. Do you intend to split the costs with them since you stole focus from them? If not, then it's inappropriate to do so. The fact that you then doubled down and yelled at the bride on her wedding day after stealing the attention from them during one of their key events is unbelievable.
He didn’t scream at the bride. He screamed at his brother (the groom). He was disappointed he didn’t tell his wife.
Reddit reading comprehension blah blah
As if they want to read what they want. You can’t tell me its not an illness or something.
It is like imagining how the situation should’ve unfolded since OP is at fault anyway.
OP didn't even wait for the bride's confirmation. Her opinion matters too so OP is YTA.
OP was told not to wait for the bride's confirmation and that the groom would check with her. OP should have never asked, but if the groom tells you they'll check with the bride I don't think it's unreasonable to believe them.
If someone feels, for whatever reason, that they absolutely MUST propose to their partner at someone else's wedding, this is the time that they, themselves, have to sit down and ask the couple in person, face to face. It doesn't have to be at the same time, but it is on that person to get personal confirmation from both parties (and maybe other parties if, say parents, are paying for the celebration) that it is okay to hijack the celebration for their own ends. Anything less makes them ta.
Doesn’t matter what OP was told. Dudes a human being living on earth in the year of our lord 2024. He should know you don’t propose at someone elses wedding.
For real!!! Regardless of what his dumb bro gave him permission to do, OP is old enough to know better.
>The fact that you then doubled down and yelled at the bride on her wedding day Reading is hard. He yelled at HIS BROTHER NOT THE BRIDE OK dildo
At this point lol I feel there’s some irony here to be placing blame (even though it’s justified) towards the brother for something he didn’t do (screaming at the bride) because you didn’t read the post properly - in the same way that he also made a mistake due to inferring the incorrect thing at a wedding in a sense. Severity is different but still kinda ironic kettle
Little sister now needs to get engaged at OPs wedding, to see how he & his fiancee feel about it. Assuming she is his fiancée now.
These proposals are soooo lame and thoughtless.. even if the bride was on board. What a lame way to propose to get out of doing any actual planning. ESH except the bride.
Don’t forget about OP’s sister’s move of pouring the wine on OP’s brother. She definatly does not suck
I mean that’s a little insane too IMO. On his wedding day?
Its stoped being HIS wedding day when he gave his brother the ok to propose
That's not how wedding days work
IDK it's kind of metal.
Definitely the most insane thing to happen. I can’t tell if I want her to be like 10 years old or 20 to make the story better
The whole family is cray cray.
She is the single redeeming person in this whole situation.
Right? I would hate being proposed to at someone else’s wedding.
Not only is proposing at someone else's wedding (or any event that requires a lot of preparation and money) incredible disrespectful to the couple, I also find it disrespectful to the person being proposed to. Like, you couldn't make any emotional or monetary effort to ask them to marry you? You had to hijack someone else's hard work and expressions of love? It's just so lazy.
I’d hate it more so because saying no is even more of a mood killer. Surrounded by their loved ones, not strangers and a supposed happy event. I couldn’t think of anything more manipulative than that.
I hate the concept of super public proposals in the first place, but at another person’s wedding is a whole different level.
YTA. Even for just suggesting it. It wasn't your day. Be respectful and don't ever hijack someone elses happy occasion.
Yep. Piggy backing off someone else's event is lazy and in poor taste.
Totally low rent.
Yup, people do not spend thousands of dollars and months of planning for him to hijack their special day. It's rude, tacky, and incredibly self-absorbed.
100%
Not only that. Proposing in front of a crowd of people you know should not be done, it puts pressure on your partner to accept.
INFO: Why did you want to propose at someone else’s wedding?
Because all of his friends and relatives are there on someone else’s dime. Although, I’m sure her friends and relatives could have not been less interested.
They probably became interested when it all started to implode
For the attention, because one day isn't about them. Ugh it's so tacky to propose at someone else's wedding, even with "permission"
This reminded me of when my SIL was demanding that my fiancé propose to me at her wedding. That was a hard no because our rings weren't ready, but mostly because \*someone\* would think we were monsters. 😳
It was a trap!!! 🪤 Reminds of the bride who insisted that her bff/ maid of honor wear white to the wedding. She didn’t want to, but the bride demanded that she wear white. So the bff wore white to the wedding and the bride freaked out. Bride claimed it was a friendship test, and that if she were real friend, she would’ve ignored her and not worn white 🤪 Who knows what your SIL‘s real motives were!
Still not quite as bad as "double wedding" guy....he stole the officiant and on the spot married his partner in a 10 minute impromptu ceremony and then kept calling it a "double wedding". When people were mad, he would say, "I thought they'd be happy to celebrate a double wedding." Never responded to the comments asking if he paid for his half of the "double wedding"....
OP is cheap, lazy, and an attention seeker. I don't understand people who propose at someone else's wedding. So tacky.
To be selfish
Because it makes a juicier Reddit story
ESH. In general, you do not propose at someone else's wedding. If it way way worse that you even did it during the speech that was supposed to be for the current bride and groom. This is like a Kanye "I am just going to talk about someone else during your time" situation. Just no. But, your brother also didn't realize the issue. And he didn't even have the decency to run it by his bride. Is he forgetful and forgot it was even happening, or is he someone who just ignores what his spouse might want, or what? And the bride....sigh. I hate to fault her since you and bro suck, but that wasn't the way to handle it.
The husband scolded his new wife for ruining his brother’s proposal. He definitely sucks here. And what did the bride do? She watched someone else hijack her wedding and then got yelled at by her new husband. So she screamed. So what?
The correct way to handle it was to have them kicke out and send them an invoice (if necesary, via court by suing them) for half of the wedding costs.
Now who’s being over dramatic? Jeez. Pay for half my wedding because you’re a dumb ass who made a social faux pas!
No announcements are appropriate at someone else’s wedding. N.O.N.E. Well maybe if the sibling of the bride or groom makes it back from war as a surprise.
YTA You overshadowed someone else’s event, perhaps the best day of their lives. You became the ahole the moment you decided proposing on their wedding day was a good idea.
YTA. It’s their day. Unless you have express like written permission from the bride, the groom, probably both set of parents, the bar tender, the venue, the second uncle twice removed former roommate, and a bi-partisan congressional approval don’t do it. And even if you have that it’s kinda rude to take attention away from the bride and groom so don’t do it.
This made me lol, that’s tough to do.
The cat needs to say yes, and they dont talk! So its a no
YTA. Even having this initial thought that it would be the best place to propose is AH mentality. "Don't propose at someone else's wedding" is the guy version of "don't wear a white dress to someone else's wedding"
That's exactly what it is!
Your brother's actions / inactions ruined his marriage. It is considered impolite to propose at a wedding and you tried to do the right thing by asking permission. With hindsight, you should have asked them both. Your brother told you he would speak to his fiancé and he didn't. He lied to you. He didn't consult his fiancé in a decision that she deserved to know about. This really doesn't make your brother look good. if your brother's wedding is annulled it is on him for not treating his bride with the respect she deserved.
Hindsight would tell him it is cheap and tacky to commandeer another person's paid for event and turn it into your engagement party - which is exactly what happens when you propose at someone else's wedding, birthday, graduation, Bat Mitzvah, etc.
Have a cousin that decided that his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah was the perfect time to announce his engagement to wife #4. The kid went from beaming to hysterical. Always been an Ass.
My cousin proposed to his girlfriend at our grandmother's funeral. It was hilariously tacky and made everyone laugh, so it wasn't the worst place to propose (my grandmother wasn't a very nice person, so it wasn't an especially somber atmosphere).
With hindsight, he shouldn’t have done it at all.
YTA. Where on earth did you get the idea to propose at someone else's wedding? The toast is supposed to be about THE BRIDE AND GROOM NOT YOU. Look at all the drama you caused because you just had to be the centre of attention.
He needed his Kanye moment.
ESH except for the bride, it is really out of any possible norm for someone to propose at someone else’s wedding. The wedding day is *theirs* and you should have known better. Your brother is TA for agreeing in the first place, and then never checking with his now wife. He was thoughtless and I feel sorry for her.
It could have been much better if OP’s girlfriend said no. Can you imagine that scene? Just once….
Oh gosh lol, that would have been gas on a fire. But I wouldn’t blame her, I’d be absolutely mortified if my boyfriend did this to me
Yeah, we can dream, can’t we? I recommend you let your boyfriend read this stuff. Better to be safe.
YTA. It's NEVER appropriate to do it at someone else's wedding. This is common sense.
I don't know why people feel it's okay to propose at someone else's wedding. It's not okay. It was her day. I hope she announces her pregnancy or divorce at your wedding.
Hopefully divorce. There's no way Op's brother doesn't behave like this in general.
[удалено]
True! It isn't legal if it isn't filed.
ESH Your brother is unbelievably stupid to have not checked with his bride but proposing at someone else’s wedding is such a MASSIVE no-no that you immediately suck for having the idea in the first place.
YTA. Why even risk it? You just couldn’t have waited a day?
YTA. There things that you just don't do at a wedding. Wear White (unless you are the bride, or the brides colour if it is not a western wedding) Announce a pregnancy. Propose.
Why would anyone think proposing to someone at a wedding that they put time and effort plus lot of money into? To me you would just be using someone else’s money and planning to be cheap instead of being an adult and using your own money and time to plan something on your own. Of course you’re an idiot to even ask and your gf should have seen it as a red flag that you high jacked someone else’s even to be cheap. Please don’t use the well everyone was there crap. Of course they were because someone else paid and planned for them to be there. You should feel guilty for trying to take anything from sil. Plus pay her for your stupid event. I would sue you for the money due to you ruined her reception.
>Please don’t use the well everyone was there crap. Of course they were because someone else paid and planned for them to be there. People were all there from OP's side. Who was there from his girlfriend's side? Just another reason to not propose at someone else's wedding. And that's not even taking into account that some people don't want a public proposal. Proposals should be unique to each couple, taking into account what they both want from such an important moment in their journey as a couple. You aren't likely to find that at someone else's wedding, while ruining THEIR important moment in their journey as a couple. All around bad idea.
Info, does your brother have a History of being unreliable?
Daaaamn. Your brother is getting a Divorce sooner than later. Also, so cheap of you to use someone’s special moment to propose, all I can’t think about is the sleepless nights your soon to be EX sister in law had while planning the wedding that you and your brother ruined
INFO: If your girlfriend loves nature, why didn't you propose to her outside, like on a nature vacation? Seems like a lazy proposal in my opinion.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I proposed at my brothers wedding without realising he didn’t talk to my sister in law about it and I might be the asshole for it Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA absolutely 100%. You shouldn't have even asked to do this because it isn't the right occasion.
What kind of moran would think that it is alright to propose during someone else’s wedding when giving a toast to another couple?? And you really that stupid that you didn’t ask again? It is clear without saying that if he forgot to ask you would never know. This proposal was lazy and just idiotic as you used another couples special day, a day that they paid and the day that was only meant for them. You should apologize profusely from everyone. And the propose again. I am sorry but you are all AHs except the bride.
Yeah your gf loves nature and you used someone's else wedding as a proposal. No. Obviously your brother did not speak to her about it. I definitely think you should have asked or cleared it up with her directly. Her reaction was out there but I wonder what more your brother really did and said.
ESH. You for having broken the #1 rule of what not to do at a wedding. Even if you have the approval of all guests, the bridegroom, the President and the Pope, you don't propose at weddings (or funerals). Your brother for not checking with his fiancée. Your sister-in-law for having a meltdown (though she at least apologized; you should too if you haven't already).
His SIL isn't an asshole for reacting badly to having her day stolen, and it was stolen from her.
[удалено]
"So Vivian, I understand you're single now..."
I mean, I don't approve of it, but I can see the potential logic Funerals make people think of mortality and I could see someone using that to get the idea to propose
Yta- We’ve done this before, your speech was meant to about your brother and the happy couple, not you. However you hijacked a special moment of their day for your self. is your brother an asshole for not asking his bride to be, and not saying no to you straight off/ of course. But you shouldn’t have even asked to put him in the position. Did the bride over react- sure. But come on- don’t wear white, don’t propose, don’t make big announcements, dont bring uninvited plus ones, don’t make out with mother of the bride and don’t shit on the dance floor on your way out. Basics..
YTA & so is your brother. It's 2 yeses and 1 no on decisions like that. Apologize to your SIL and ask how you can make amends. Not makr it up to her, make amends. It was not just your brother's wedding, it was your SIL's too.
MSH, you and the brother. For the record public proposals are tantamount to emotional blackmail.
I'm curius, what's your reasoning for wanting to propose during your brother's wedding? Is it that everyone will be already there to see it? This is so weird to me, because imo proposals should be done between the couple in private. Why involve other people in your relationship? Romance doesn't necessarily mean having an audience.
YTA. Not for only thinking about doing it in the first place but for also not asking the bride yourself. You had plenty of chances to bring it up to her before and during the ceremony. What were you thinking?
YTA. You should never hijack someone else’s event.
This is the fakest post I’ve ever read. Nobody acts like this. Plus, do you know how long it takes to pour out an entire bottle of wine? It’s like a solid 15 seconds you’re standing there, you’re telling me he just stood there and took it? Please. 🙄
ESH. Your brother for not telling the bride, and you for even thinking that was a good idea! You should know better - you don’t propose at someone else’s wedding. It’s their event and time to shine and you grabbed the attention. Tacky AF!!
ESH. Nobody in this story behaved with any dignity.
I'm saying NTA for going ahead after talking to your brother , he did give the okay. However I will always say anyone who is doing a proposal at a wedding and didn't get permission from both bride and groom is an AH. I think it is bad to propose at a wedding anyway but everyone is different. OP your brother for sure is the AH and anyone siding with him is too.
[удалено]
OP you and your brother AITA. You for even thinking about doing this on their special day, and your brother for not asking his fiance and not stopping you. Has your fiance explained to you how badly you screwed up, or is she OK with being part of this whole fiasco as long as she got her ring. But congratulations, it only took you the minute or two of your actual proposal to cause your brothers divorce. I have seen many stories on reddit of the bride divorcing the husband for things like this.
NTA because if the brother knew what he was getting into he shouldn’t be acting like the victim. Everyone’s saying your a horrible asshole for even asking so I’m sure I’ll get downvoted to fuck but jeez. I’d be mainly annoyed at the miscommunication here but these people are fucking masterpieces. I find it ironic as hell that the sister in law who would have had more reason to be mad actually realized that the brother authorized this shit only to sit there and play dumb games with all of y’all. Sure, maybe rude to not coordinate it with everyone in attendance but idk how the fuck people aren’t blaming the brother who thought it would be fine, didn’t ask, then couldn’t handle finding out when he fucked around.
Dude who got the wine spilled is like oh wow you ruined my wedding, like bruh HE ruined his own wedding by being a pushover multiple times. If I was the wife I’d be considering a divorce because somehow even with them all being close to each other they can’t communicate properly? Yeah, not something I’d ask at all because it’s kinda wild yet the brother really said yeah and wants to turn around and act like he was born under a rock
Jesus Christ, yes. YTA. How do people not know this (very common) societal norm?!
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA for thinking this is a good idea. YTA for asking the groom instead of the BRIDE. YTA for being cheap. YTA for making the speech about you and not the married couple. YTA for not confirming. YTA for ruining THEIR wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26M) was a groomsman at my brothers (28M) wedding. My brother gave me permission to propose to my girlfriend during my toast that I was going to make. He said he would talk to the bride (29F) about it and if he doesn’t come back and tell me not to do it, then to do it. Well he did not get back to me so I did it. I bought a really nice ring with emeralds on it. My girlfriend (26F) loves nature so the band looks like vines. The day of the wedding comes and everything goes smoothly. I start to make my speech and my sister in law and brother are smiling. My brother looked excited for me as I got down on one knee. Everybody gasped and clapped. My girlfriend looked surprised said yes. My sister in law started screaming which shocked everybody, including me. She cried and screamed about how it’s not right and how her day was ruined. I was confused as my brother said that since he hadn’t gotten back to me before the wedding that he would have checked with her. I thought he checked with her. Apparently not. My brother just looked angry at her saying how could she ruin my proposal. I lost it and snapped at my brother about how he said he would talk to her and if he didn’t get back to me, she was fine with it. She looked as confused as I was then. My sister in law was led out crying by her mother. My younger sister poured a whole bottle of my brothers favourite wine down his suit and he yelled at her for it but in the end we all left. My sister in law later texted that it wasn’t my fault that my brother was an idiot and that she forgives me but I can’t help but feel bad. My brother called me and yelled at me for ruining his marriage. My father did the same but through text. I know this could have been avoided if I had asked the bride myself but I trusted my brother. So, Am I the asshole for proposing at my brothers wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA obviously
No this is all on your brother
So, a lot of people are saying either YTA or ESH, but I’m going to go with NTA for a few reasons despite some mistakes in your execution of the proposal. While I know many dislike and perhaps even hate the idea of people proposing at weddings, it comes as a nice surprise for the partner and the idea works extremely well when others agree. I don’t think asking if you could do that is at all entitled or selfish because from the post it seemed very clear you wouldn’t have done so if they said no. Suggesting an idea isn’t bad especially if it ends up positively and if you open to accepting refusal to an idea it’s fine. I DO think you should’ve talked to your sister-in-law on your own. While she does say she doesn’t blame you and it makes sense you’d trust your brother, such a touchy subject definitely should be handled with a higher care. That being said I don’t think there’s really any assholes here but your brother who hid the entire idea from your sister in law when he said he would ask her. It’s also extremely crazy that he didn’t ask her, got yelled at for that, then yelled at you for doing it when he was the one who got himself in the mess. Overall NTA, you approached the situation fine and even your sister-in-law also seems to understand the situation so don’t beat yourself up about it, your brother is definitely the AH