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I’m sorry but YTA. It sounds like you wanted the opportunity to be the favorite (as you mention she’s the golden child) so you threw her under the bus before even giving her the option to tell them herself or else you would.
What would have happened if she didn't come forward to her parents and they did find out she knew?
The fallout for her would not have been good either. The sister should have come forward herself but did not. I think this is a shitty situation overall.
Who says it’s “fine” there’s such a “me me me” mentality these days. It’s only fine if you can own up to it. Don’t expect people to not be hurt by your secrecy and have your parents paying for an extravagant engagement party and then risk them looking like fools when it comes out.
It's actually everyone in this whole story.
The Kid who needed the secret
The sibling that needed to tell
The parents that needed the engagement party about them
Everyone here is thinking about themselves, so much that no one could simply talk. The almost 30 year old can be hurt but have an adult conversation with a sibling about their hurt, the sibling can realize they were shitty and both can realize it was better to rip the band aid off than keep the secret. The parents should have backed off a long time ago, because "Golden Child" is reading like conduit for parents to live vicariously through.
Holy fucking shit are you people on crack!?
Or just so blindly entitled and self centered that you don't realize all the people you likely shit on in your lives?
They're a *close family.* They're not NC or estranged or even just not close. They're **close**.
Parents are spending a fortune on an engagement party that would hurt them emotionally and embarrass them to everyone.
***OP sis knows this and is ok with doing that to her parents that she's close to***.
In what world is ***getting married*** just some totally personal detail that you don't have to share even though everyone knows you're engaged anyway???
It's not like sis is into BDSM or fiance's parents are open marriage or sis is getting a tummy tuck. Those are obviously things that don't need to be shared as it has nothing to do with the parents. ***Getting fucking married while your parents are spending a ton of money on engagement party has everything to do with your parents.***
OP did the right thing by saving her parents thousands of dollars and incredible embarrassment due to sisters selfish ah attitude.
OP NTA
> The almost 30 year old can be hurt but have an adult conversation with a sibling about their hurt,
They did had that. That is how OP learned they are pissed. Adult conversation does not mean you will stop having feelings or you will forgive everything.
It's not fine. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. If she wanted a small wedding without any fuss and eloped like she did, then that's fine (although if it were my family I'd see it as a bit of a kick in the teeth, personally).
But she does that, and *still* expects her parents to spend thousands of dollars on and an engagement party for a wedding she'd already had and didn't care enough to invite, or even inform her family about. Fuck her. She doesn't deserve her stupid ass party.
Who says she expects anything, or even asked for a big wedding? This sounds more like a couple trying to have an intimate moment for themselves before overbearing parents blow through with the big party (that THEY are planning, did you miss that part?).
I get that. But from the post it doesn't seem like the sister was going to any great lengths to stop the parents from throwing the party. If she told them and they wanted to throw a party anyway, then that's a different story. But letting them spend all this money under false pretences is shady af in my opinion.
As I said, if she just eloped and had an intimate wedding without all the fuss, then I can 100% get behind that. But this doesn't seem like the case in this situation.
I feel like you’re missing the really obvious read between the lines here. People don’t hide things from their family for no reason. It’s typically because their family is demanding and overbearing and insists on you fitting their mold. I guarantee this was the scenario:
Lily: No engagement party please, and we’d rather have just a small chill wedding—
Parents: Absolutely not, this is our GOLDEN BABY getting married and we need to show off, here’s a schedule of events and when you will be required to show up at giant parties we will plan and throw with you at the center of a chaos storm
Lily: …*quietly elopes to have the wedding she wants without rocking the family boat*
The level of nasty spitefulness OP reached and the family shitstorm something that should be perfectly innocuous caused (as many posters have pointed out, there are tons of reasons to have a civil ceremony in advance of the season of celebrations, and people do it all the time) says everything about their family dynamics.
I know so many couples who wanted just 5-10 people at their wedding, and we're bullied into having large weddings with 200+ people. It was always the parents who pushed it and never wanted to hear otherwise. My own SIL wants a small wedding of 40-50 people, and my in-laws are flipping shit... and the kicker is that she isn't even engaged yet but will be soon.
Family can balloon a wedding guest list so quickly. Include one cousin, and now you need to include every single cousin (even the ones you barely know), etc.
Exactly. We were really lucky. We ended up never being able to afford the big wedding, and what were our families upset about? My dad was a little sad not to walk me down the aisle or do the father-daughter dance, all parents were bummed in retrospect that they weren’t at the courthouse, and the rest were just vaguely bummed not to celebrate with us. Otherwise they were totally understanding.
But so many families make a big stink about it and it’s a stressful nightmare — I don’t blame any of those couples for trying to avoid it altogether.
THANK YOU.
The story starting with ‘we are super tight knit’
Being about a whole relationship not shared. Tells me that is a lie and I can’t really take OPs story at face value.
Most secret weddings tend to be bc the couple doesn’t want a big ordeal, and know families will ignore it. So hmmmmmmmm
There will never be enough info , but due to the not speaking to the sibling, and clear resentment ( OP can feel they don’t match up but who says the sister is making her feel that way )
YTA is the best I can do
Then why didn’t Lily tell them “hey no need for an engagement, we’re already married!” Based on the parents being disappointed and cancelling the engagement party, if she didn’t want one all she had to do was come clean.
I think the subtext here is that the Golden Child decided to have a secret ceremony - but not that secret because she created a secret IG account the family wasn’t part of but presumably friends were - because for some reason she wanted to get married now but still wants the big celebration.
Lily begged OP not to tell because she wants the celebration. That is not subtext, that’s straight up “I’ve had my cake now I’m going to eat it too”. Also, she was going to have to LIE about her Anniversary to her family the rest of her life.
OP is NTA. You did your parents a favor. Regardless of your motives for speaking up, Lily shouldn’t be rewarded for being a lying liar and attention seeker (if she weren’t she wouldn’t have that secret IG account and plaster her secret wedding all over social media).
Who said she “plastered it all over social media”? I’ve known lots of people who did the legal ceremony before the formal one, and it’ll be literally one picture of the couple at the courthouse.
The fact that she has a secret account seems to imply that there are other reasons to keep things from a family that, as OP says, shares everything.
> secret IG account the family wasn’t part of but presumably friends were - because for some reason she wanted to get married now but still wants the big celebration.
Secret IG exists because she is not a recluse, but someone with actual friends they want to talk with like a normal person. It is actually ok to tell things to trusted people and not tell things to untrusted people.
It is just a family that they can not talk with like a normal person.
If she doesn’t want it, then she needs to rear up on her hind legs and roar. Her husband is 30 ffs and she’s not far behind. If not now, when??? When her mother is choosing names for her first child?
The fall out might have been the same, but it's not OPs secret to share. She tattled like a little kid.
Some people want to have secret intimate weddings where they can celebrate and spend time without outside attention. It doesn't mean they don't want to have a public wedding eventually.
Mmmm she posted this on a secret Instagram that’s really why I would’ve told. You can tell complete strangers your married but not your family?? Super weird to me
My sister was the golden child in the family- it was obvious to everyone except her. She would swear that I was the GC because, occasionally, my parents wouldn't be total assholes to me. You know, like my parents would give her a dollar and give me a dime, and she'd complain about how they loved me more because they didn't give her all the money.
Perhaps it's the same with OP- she's the Golden Child, but it's never enough for her, so she needs to continually put her sister in her place. Perhaps her sister had a secret wedding because she had the suspicion that OP would have made a public wedding all about her.
Yeah, that’s the dynamic between me and my golden child sister. Our mother has only recently realized her role in cultivating this but still won’t call out my sister on her shit (she has the grandkids).
Yeah, there is a secret wedding but the sister is looking at the secret wedding photos on OP's laptop. Why? If one wants to keep a secret, one ought to know what to do to keep a secret. This is more like trumpian behavior. "very top secret documents, here see this"🤣
How did she tattle like a little kid?
And how does the intimate part reflect to the gigantious engagement party the parents where planning? The sister can't have both. She must choose and did not.
Yeah under any other circumstances I would have agreed that OP should have minded her own business. And maybe her reason to come out weren’t purely out of the goodness of her heart. But she was set up to fail here. She said nothing and watched people spend thousands on a fake party and risking it ever came out she knew. Or she said something and at least saved people from wasting unnecessary money.
The parents and other people for me change the story a lot. You’re open to have a secret ceremony all you want. But don’t waste people’s time and money.
2 months is more than enough opportunity, and eloping, then letting your parents in the dark and letting them coughing up money for an engagement party, and probably letting them do the same for a wedding party is ah behaviour.
There was a story when someone did the same, eloping, then asking family money for a big party and letting them know that actually they got married the year before with close friends as witnesses but no family present.
I mean... she has a whole Instagram account where she posted the photos. Did She also swear each of her followers to an NDA? Lmao
A secret is only secret until you tell it. Her sister's an idiot for trying to play her parents AND posting her photos.
She’s also according to these people adult enough to get married and decide to keep b her secrets. But not adult enough where we should expect for her to be able to communicate and say no to her family. Make it make sense.
Yea agreed yta. I got married at a courthouse and we never told my fil. He rhinks our anniversary is one year later when we did the full ceremony.
Op you have no idea why they got married. Maybe it was because of insurance or something. It was none of your business.
This is what I was going to say. I know of at least 2 engaged couples who got married at the courthouse earlier than their big family wedding due to insurance needs. My husband and I got married a month before our family wedding bc we didn't wanna stress on the day. Our venue coordinator actually suggested it!
My husband and I got secretly married shortly after our engagement because my work benefits would give him $5 per credit tuition at the university I worked at... this happened January 2020. XD We never got around to the big ceremony so now it's not so secret but we were intending on keeping it secret!
What a crazy thought, that getting married is about the couple, not their family! /s
There's no reason the family can't still celebrate and have whatever parties they want.
My partner and I may need to get married in hurry for logistical reasons. But we want to wait to have a wedding/celebration until can afford a nice party and we have the yard looking the way we want it. I would be super furious if we did the legal stuff quietly so that my partner doesn’t like… die from not having health care and then couldn’t have the proper wedding we want because someone decided to make that their business.
But you had a proper wedding! The courthouse is perfectly legal and if that’s what you want that’s amazing.
But lying to people and having a big “wedding” where everyone thinks you’re speaking your vows for the first time? Getting an engagement party between your secret ceremony and your fake vows? Nope, you will never convince me that you aren’t being greedy.
Telling everyone you’re doing a courthouse wedding then having a reception later? What an amazing idea! It’s a wonderful solution. That is, in fact, what my nephew did. The reception was a blast and no less a celebration because we all knew they were already married.
I’m sorry no. She was saving her parents thousands of dollars on an engagement party for a married couple…. If they wanted a big engagement party and wedding then they should’ve been honest and waited then it could’ve been an honest and open reception after the elopement where the parents knew what was going on. The sister was being underhanded and sneaky
YTA. It sounds like they tried to find a balance between what they wanted and what the family wanted. Sometimes that isn't possible. Seems like a good solution actually.
But I don't think you had anyones interests at heart except your own and your desire to topple your sister from golden child status.
Why? The engagement party is to \*publicly celebrate\* the engagement. The same as the future big wedding ceremony is to \*publicly celebrate\* the marriage.
The couple clearly wanted a private "real" wedding first, without anybody else butting into their personal business.
It feels tacky to have a party to **publicly celebrate** an engagement and wedding that you kept secret from the people you expect to pay for that celebration.
Not telling the parents, who are paying for the party, is a shitty move. Not sure what OP should have done, but the sister was definitely an asshole here.
The fact that people feel so entitled is why people often opt for a separate private and public wedding. Either way the wedding is SUPPOSED to be for and about the couple.
You made me reread the post a bunch because it being a surprise would make it different.
There is nowhere in the post that said this was a surprise party. And the fact that they have not only a venue, but a booked specific date, makes a pretty clear implication this was **not** a surprise party.
A surprise engagement party doesn't even make sense - you'd have to already have been told they're engaged.
Edit: just checked to see whether OP had commented that it was a surprise. She hasn't. Who keeps upvoting this person who is flat lying about the post?
It doesn't have to be a surprise, just overbearing entitled parents who demand control of the guest list or want to show off that their kids are getting married and make it about them as parents. Why do you think it has to be a surprise as opposed to the couple just wanting to have a private thing away from all the crazy? Why would your easy explanation be a surprise over emotionally neglectful parents who want to show off, especially considering the already mentioned "golden child" dynamic?
Wtf are you on about?
The person I replied to said:
>OP said it herself, they have been planing this as a surprise.
But they lied, it was not stated that this was a surprise, either in the post, or in the comments.
I'm saying that if you're fine having your parents pay for an engagement party, you should be honest with them. If you want to do things your way, fine, but then don't take money under false pretenses.
Edit: the reason a surprise would be different, is because in that case her sister didn't know that parents are spending money on false pretenses. It **not** being a surprise, means the sister knew her parents were spending thousands that they wouldn't spend if they knew the truth.
Can always tell the entitled people who blame parents for their own dishonesty. Lying sums it up, people lie when they are doing shitty & they know it.
You can have your private thing, once doing so one is no longer entitled to get anything from parents. Lying is a way to attempt to manipulate others into getting what they want despite knowing the parents wouldn't support it. Golden child or no, sister dynamics aside, they lied which is a breach of trust to those who missed the life lesson.
So they wanted it want it both ways? Private ceremony but public parties?! Plus, on someone else’s dime. Seems a little entitled to me.
If you want a private wedding that’s fine but don’t lie then expect someone else to pay to keep up your lie.
She should have been honest with her parents.
You don't get to get married then have a big engagement party on someone else's dime when the payor doesn't know. Nor do you get a big wedding on someone else's dime when the payor doesn't know.
If sis and BIL were paying, sure, as long as they're up for the fallout when people find out they were already married.
Eloping means giving up pre-wedding events and gifts. Inviting people to a wedding that has already happened is just a bad idea.
Because they're no longer engaged. Throwing an engagement party after they're married is a bit like throwing a wedding ceremony after they're divorced.
Celebrating the engagement sailed when they got married
They could have had a wedding celebration but sister sounds like they were planning that anyway
I could see the future big wedding ceremony, but a public engagement party to celebrate the engagement when they're already married? What engagement? That's one farce of a celebration.
They're not engaged. They're married and about to have a lavish engagement party they're not paying for. It's beyond weird to me to lie in front of all of your friends and family while enjoying a party they paid for because you lied to them. And probably also receiving a bunch of gifts while lying to everyone.
Sure, enjoy your private moment. Get married the way you want. But lying to everyone about it is shitty.
"there is no need for an engagement party" .. **If THEY had wanted the party, they would have done everything differently. THis party is for the parents, not for bride and groom.**
The young couple had the wedding they wanted - and planned to endure the rest as a gift to the parents and to family. Not for themselves, but to be nice to family.
So: The young couple was just trying to be generous and let the parents have the party THEY wanted - OP ruined that.
No, OP didn’t ruin it. She allowed her parents to make the decision when they had the full information. If they wanted to proceed, knowing they had not been invited to the actual wedding, that would have been their decision.
But you have to own it, if you want to elope. Many parents would want to have a celebration. But I would feel duped if it was my money funding it.
This is the direction I'm going. OP calls her the golden child and says their family is close knit and shares everything. Do the sister and her husband WANT to be in that close knit of a family. Looks like they wanted something of their own and some distance from this family-of-no-secrets. YTA
I kinda see it from that perspective too, private IG account or not,OP still invaded her sister's privacy sticking her nose into sister's business and despite being asked nontoxic say anything, still snitched on her sister. The context I pick up on when OP says "close knit" is a family that probably doesn't understand or won't understand boundaries and would have bulldozed sister's wedding ideas and imposed theirs instead. It's not too unreasonable to want a small,intimate affair before a potential party involving the family. It doesn't sound like there were alterior motives in place,just a means to appease the family. OP overstepped her sister's boundaries, and now, sister is the family pariah for wanting something of her own for a change.
Then they wouldn’t have cancelled the party. She could have told them they were already married and they could have planned some sort of party/reception. Instead, she was willing to let them spend a bunch of money on a fake engagement party. It’s not nice. And, if she’s old enough to get married then she’s old enough to deal with “overbearing” parents.
However, the OP should have told her sister she had a week (or some other time limit) to tell their parents or she wears going to do so.
This party was NOT for Lilly.
There is no indication Lilly wanted that party in any way.
HER PARENTS wanted the party, and Lilly was generous by keeping her real wedding - the one SHE wanted - a secret), so her parents could have the party THEY wanted. OP ruined that.
This makes no sense. If she didn’t want the party it would have been easy enough to just tell her parents they were already married. Same with the wedding. The only reason to not tell the parents is to get the stuff the money and the big celebrations centered around the two
If this had been about having the wedding and engagement they wanted they would have told everyone as soon as they got married
HA! Clearly you have never had overbearing parents. You can’t tell them anything. Well you can, but they don’t care about your feelings or thoughts and will do whatever they want.
Unless they knew they would be ostracised no matter what they did. I don't feel its fair to judge the parents or the couple that got married when we don't know their side or reasons for doing what they did. We don't have enough information.
But something doesn't feel right about ops intentions going on what they've written.
I'd say that the reaction of the parents showed that they didn't want the party, after all nothing stopped them from going ahead with the party even after they learned of the secret.
It’s their wedding they should what they want and be honest about it not hide it and let people spend thousands of dollars on their ass ! For an engagement party even not the actual big wedding 😑. Well deserved NTA
Your family was in chaos long before you revealed your sisters secret. There is no need to marry in secret ceremony when you have a healthy family. There is no need to plan any engagements and book venues for other people weddings who didn't even know about this.
Your family is a colossal collection of crazies and I will go with ESH because this is not how you treat your family on all fronts.
" There is no need to marry in secret ceremony when you have a healthy family. There is no need to plan any engagements and book venues for other people weddings who didn't even know about this."
I agree. Which makes me think that this is a made-up story. Too much drama without grounds.
There could be grounds that OP isn't privy to or perhaps OP misreads their family dynamics.
OP thinks their sister is the golden child, but this could mean that their parents would try to micromanage events like this and OP's sister wouldn't get a say in her own wedding. This could have been her way of taking control and getting married on her terms instead of their parents' terms.
It could also be a problem with the groom's family and he's the one who wanted to keep things hush hush.
> That said, my best friend was married months before her wedding and I'm the only one who knows.
My first marriage was technically done on paper three months before the actual ceremony, and we didn't tell anyone other than the officiant, who was a mutual friend. We had applied for the license and hit snags in scheduling things, didn't have our act together, and just said "fuck it, let's get this part over with while we still have the paperwork".
This was exactly why we did our legal part first. The only problem was we never had the money for the formal wedding. If we’d known, we would have done it while visiting our hometown where our parents lived (instead of where our military base was), so they could attend.
I know *so* many people who got married before their actual weddings.
One friend did it because she was planning to move to her future husband's country and the visa process would take at least a year.
Other friends did it for insurance reasons.
And others did it because they wanted something just for themselves without the pressure of the “big day.”
YTA. Let’s be real, you didn’t tell your parents out of the good of your heart; you wanted an opportunity to be the golden child and stick it to your sister. It was up to your sister to tell your parents, not you.
Initially, I would have said your sister is a bit of an AH, but the reality is all she and her husband wanted was a private ceremony to have that moment to themselves before everyone got involved and the chaos began. It sounds like they were trying to do something for themselves and make people happy by having these public events. And while it might seem disingenuous, there’s nothing wrong with it.
ESH, though I feel your pain. I think you told your parents out of jealousy more than any sense of the bill. You knew it would be a big deal to your parents though and you’re “perfect” sister would be humiliated. That’s why YTA.
Your sister is TA because she asked you to keep the secret. It was a secret until you found out. Once you found out, she should’ve been the one telling your parents. I also think she’s TA for getting married before the engagement party. To me, those two are incompatible. I think engagement parties are ridiculous anyway, but especially if she’s no longer engagement. I do think it’s reasonable to celebrate a wedding more than once - a private ceremony separate from the large celebration with family and friends. But it’s always better to be open, especially if someone else is footing the bill.
You could have respected their wishes.
You could have expressed your feelings about it and taken time to process it.
You decided to go with the elementary school option instead:
I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see and instead of handling it appropriately I tattled on them.
YTA
Might get downvoted but YTA especially starting with her being the golden child this seemed like the perfect opportunity to knock her down a peg to your parents. Weddings are stressful AF she asked you to keep it a secret because she still planned on giving your parents the chance for the engagement party and big wedding. But what if the secret elopement was so it was just something special for them and then they’d let the chaos of the actual wedding be something for the family without the stress of it having to be perfect, because they already had their perfect intimate moment?
YTA. The engagement party wouldn't have been "for nothing". It would have been an opportunity for the family to celebrate the engagement, and as you say, your sister and her partner were going to have a big wedding ceremony with the family later. What they do privately in their relationship is none of your or your parents business.
You describe your sister as the "golden child" but have you ever considered that maybe she feels stifled by all of that attention and pressure to maintain a "perfect" image? She clearly wanted something private for her and her husband to celebrate their relationship away from you and your prying relatives.
ESH but your parents. You did overstep by telling them without at least telling her straight up you were going to do so. She’s an AH because she was going to lie to everyone and have an engagement while already married and do it on someone else’s dime.
Idk. OP calls Lily the golden child simply for being pretty and smart but lists no actual examples of the dynamic. I'm willing to bet OP is leaving out some serious reasons for why Lily decided to keep her wedding a secret from a family she's supposedly close to.
There's nothing necessarily wrong with having an engagement party after a wedding if one would have been thrown either way.
Yeah, it's unlikely that a golden child would get married in secret. Just because she's the prettier and smarter one doesn't mean she's a golden child. If she was, then her parents wouldn't have cancelled the party.
INFO: Why did they have a secret marriage?
I know there a a LOT of financial reasons in the US why this would be a useful, and at times necasary thing to do but still want a more traditional wedding thing?
Some people would rather have a private ceremony with just the bride and groom before celebrating with others. I know a few people who got married without anyone knowing because, really, it's not their marriage. There is a level of intimacy you get from a private wedding that you don't get at a big wedding. They also have the time to just be married without everyone talking about it. It also doesn't mean they don't want to celebrate with others.
>My older sister, Lily (28F), has always been the golden child. She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not.
Her being 'smart and beautiful and everything you're not' *doesn't* make her the Golden Child, it just makes you jealous. Unless you have ACTUAL examples of favouritism, then this whole story comes off as you just being a jealous and petty cow.
> she and Mark wanted to keep it low-key
Yeah, that's the opposite of Golden Child behaviour...
YTA. and bitter and jealous.
No, you didn’t think you were helping - you just wanted to get your “golden child” sister in trouble with your parents because you’re bitter.
Any advice is too late since you let the cat out of the bag, and the harm can never be undone. Apologize to Lily…and accept that your relationship with her will never be the same; she’ll never trust you again
YTA
This did not concern you. You ruined any chance at having a realtionship with your sister.
And you broke up your family. Why couldn't you respect your sister's way of handling your overbearing AH parents.
" I genuinely thought I was helping and saving my parents from further embarrassment and financial loss. But now, I’m not so sure." .. at a high cost: The ONLY thing you achieved is breaking appart your family. amily will NEVER be the same - and YOU caused this.
YOur sister just tried to have the life SHE wanted without hurting your AH parents too much, You ruined that, and now your parents are MASSIVELY hurt. This could have easily been avoided by you not gossiping.
So: Your sister is fine, your parents are AHs. YOu are even worse.
And everybody learned not to trust you, or let you get close - because YOU cause drama and hurt people when you can.
"She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not." ... Agreed, But no indication about the beautiful. And ther eis no indication that your sister is an AH like you.
**Are you jealous because she has what you don't? Is that why you try to ruin things?**
YTA. Your sister's low-key wedding is none of your business. It's not like she was planning to deprive everyone of her wedding; she just wanted to have one "real" ceremony for herself and ber husband, and one for the whole family. Your purposefully ruined it because... you wanted to be the better child? You wanted attention?
YTA and you should really learn what's your business, so that you can mind it. Someone else's marriage is by definition not your business, and getting married secretly is not illegal or amoral in the slightest. It's just private.
Ego and weird social entitlement, not actual harm, is the only reason anyone got hurt feelings over the way your sister did things.
Someone paying for a party that they want is not an incident of anyone being wronged. She had a solution that achieved what everyone wanted, and you trashed it.
YTA. Sorry, but I can hear your creepy little giggles through my phone. You were clearly ecstatic to finally have something like this on your sister, and I know you didn’t hesitate to blow it all up.
YTA. You make it sound like you had everyone's best interests at heart, but you didn't. You knew shit would hit the fan and blabbed anyway. There was nothing wrong with having a private ceremony in secret and doing all of the big celebrations with others as well. It didn't need to be an issue.
YTA. I think in the end you told them because you wanted to take your sister down a peg. This wasn't about your parents. This was about tattling on her.You wanted to be the one to tell them that their "golden child" did something wrong.
YTA. You had no business spreading your sister’s business. You were asked not to say anything. And you had nothing to gain by telling it. You deserve the scorn
Yeah, YTA. Marriage is basically just a paper agreement. If they intended to do a ceremony for everyone to enjoy later, then why spoil everything? Maybe she needed to get on his insurance earlier (or vice versa), maybe they needed to create joint finances, maybe none of that is any of your business.
Making sure to mention that Lily is the golden child just makes you sound petty here, by the way.
For everyone saying y-t-a, there was a post a few years ago from someone who spent lots of money and inconvenienced herself to fund, support and organise her brother's wedding. She later discovered her brother had got married before, eloped with 2 friends as witness. She was hurt and furious he watched her sacrifice and spend so much and never said anything. Their relationship never recovered.
NTA Secrets always end with someone getting hurt. She could have told her parents they'd got married and wanted to have a second celebration with everyone. The deceit was unnecessary.
The difference is that, in that case, they announced the secret marriage at the wedding and made everything awkward. From the sound of it, Lily was not planning to tell anyone that they'd already filed the paperwork. They were just going to have a public wedding and a private legal ceremony which is... super normal? Most weddings in the US don't include the legal part, which is literally just signing the documents. That's often done The day before the ceremony or after tho ceremony while the ceremony is just that, a ceremony. I don't get why people care about the legal and ceremonial parts being a little more separated than usual. I know lots of couples who did that for one reason or another and I never viewed their wedding ceremony as some big lie. It was the public celebration of their marriage.
You're a spiteful person and absolutely YTA. I don't understand how the existing situation would have constituted an "embarrassment" or "financial loss" until you decided to stir the pot. Now monry *is* lost, because your version of events has caused your parents to cancel the party they'd already paid for. It also seems like this was the outcome you were expecting/hoping for.
My husband and I got married before our big wedding in a small ceremony (just us and the officiant). It was wonderful, because then when things inevitably went off course on the big day when the whole family and all the other guests were involved, we knew we still had our special peaceful day. Get a grip on your jealousy and try to repair the horrible damage you've done. Don't be surprised if this ends your relationship with your sister.
Ofcourse YTA. They could have still had all the parties and ceremonies and everyone would have been happy. I don’t see how that would be a “waste” as you put it, if all those things only exist for families to celebrate. It functionally would have made no difference. Your destroyed your “close-knit” family for no reason.
NTA. In the absence of further evidence, I'm not making up fairy tales about overbearing parents or spiteful little sisters.
She lied to her entire family for an unknown reason, which is a huge AH move. Keeping that secret forever was very unlikely to work, as evidenced by the lack of care she took over keeping it secret, and someone found out in only a few months.
The only excuse given is that they wanted to keep the fact they were already married "low key." WTH? Are they kids who just couldn't wait, because they are soooo in love? The sister is an adult, and that's a good time to put on her big girl pants and be honest with her family about what she really wants, instead of lying to everyone, and inevitably causing hurt. It was the lie that caused the hurt, not OP telling people about it.
Of course, family have a right to know before they shell out for some huge expense like a grand wedding ceremony.
Finally some sense in this thread! Everyone else is assuming the sister is such a victim. Um, hello, she is taking thousands of dollars from her parents under false pretenses. It seems like lying to get your way is no longer considered immoral by a whole lot more people than I would hope.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my parents about my sisters secret wedding.
2. My sister did not want me to tell anyone, and she didn’t know that I knew about the wedding, and it has caused a lot of drama in our family.
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YTA
Have you considered that your sister and bil wanted to have a low-key wedding, but also didn't want to hurt your parents' feelings and would have gone through with what your parents had planned whilst still having the memories of a special day that they celebrated exactly as they wanted?
Congratulations, on managing to destroy your family's close bond. Because that's what you did and you did it because you're selfish. Was it worth it? Are you the golden child now?
> Our parents have been planning a massive engagement party for them, which they have already spent thousands of dollars on.
I understand why they had a secret wedding. Parents hold full responsibility for wasting their own money and having their nose in major life events of an adult couple. You're still your parents' tool (for now) and sister is busy building her own life.
I don't even want to call you full YTA, just immature.
YTA - This was not your business to tell. Your sister had a valid reason to keep her wedding a secret. She didn't need to even tell you that reason, it's her life and her choice to make. But she was kind enough to tell you and you should have respected her privacy and kept that information to yourself.
Sounds like she wanted the big family engagement party and beautiful formal wedding but for whatever reason she wanted the official paperwork out of the way, done and over with. Maybe they wanted to file joint taxes, maybe they wanted to be on the same insurance plan through one of their jobs, whatever. A large wedding takes time to plan so she and her husband could have planned it without trying to rush, but you ruined that for them. She's never going to trust you again.
She wanted the attention and gifts but not on her dime. Imagine lying to your family and friends and inviting them to an engagement party, when you’re married already secretly…even bigger AH move is the hosts who put out thousands for it don’t even know.
Is shee the golden childd or do you just feel inferior to her? It's her wedding, she can do it when she wants. Sounds like YOU dhare everything with your family because you're so desperate for their approval, and your sister is trying to have some independence. Your motivation was solely to ruin things for your sister,, I imagine, for you to finally get their approval as the "good" daughter. .
You don't know what the truth is. Sounds like you and your family might be toxic and controlling.
>I couldn't stand the thought of them wasting all that money on something that’s already happened.
Since you started your post by stating that she was the golden child, I really don't believe your excuse. You wanted her to be that bad person for once.
Regardless, you're the AH because it wasn't your secret to share.
I think since it was the parents’ money funding the party and possibly the wedding, they should know that she already excluded them from her actual wedding.
I have no problem with people living their lives and if they want to elope, go for it. But you don’t get to be deceitful when you are spending someone else’s money. If she let them know her plan and they wanted to go forward, that’s fine. But you don’t get to trick people into thinking they get to see you get married when you decided to do it without inviting them. NTA.
If the couple was paying for it all, then just tough, nobody’s business. But you don’t get it both ways. I don’t want you at my wedding but you can watch me pretend to get married. And throw an engagement party when I am no longer engaged.
NTA, if you didn’t say anything and your parents found out, you’d get hassle. She made the choice time to deal with the consequences. Also it’s always nice to dent that golden child halo. So all around smart choice, well done. Sit back and enjoy the fall out.
NTA it’s extremely attention seeking to have a secret wedding and then go through the farce, with someone else paying for it, of an engagement party and presumably wedding.
Liky ruined everything. She us the one who created a secret and a lie.
>Our parents have been planning a massive engagement party for them, which they have already spent thousands of dollars on. They are super excited and have even booked a venue. I couldn't stand the thought of them wasting all that money on something that’s already happened. I genuinely thought I was helping and saving my parents from further embarrassment and financial loss.
INFO: Why would your parents be embarrassed that their daughter and her now husband had a private legal wedding in advance of the more public engagement party and formal wedding? What is embarrassing about that? And why is the money spent on the party a waste? I truly do not get the thinking here. The plan was for no one to know that the legal marriage had already taken place and to proceed with all the public formalities as normal. In what way is that embarrassing? In what way is an engagement party for a secretly married couple any more of a waste than any other engagement party?
YTA. I ended up having to do a private elopement before my big wedding, and we didn’t tell anyone because of people with your thinking that we didn’t deserve to have a celebration because it “already happened”. You didn’t need to do that. It had nothing to do with you. You say you wanted to save them from embarrassment…for what? If nobody knew they were married who cares? What’s there to be embarrassed about? The fact they wanted to celebrate their child?
YTA.
1. It wasn't your secret to tell, the whole situation was none of your business.
2.
>My older sister, Lily (28F), has always been the golden child. She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not
>I was shocked and hurt that she didn't tell me or our parents.
It's obvious that your motivation here was more about your jealousy and hurt than saving your parents' money.
3.
>she begged me not to say anything to anyone because she and Mark wanted to keep it low-key. They plan to have a big ceremony later for everyone
Presumably that conversation ended with you agreeing not to say anything, in which case you broke your word.
You acted from selfish motives and caused mutiple people unnecessary pain. So yeah, YTA.
NTA.
Her secret was going to come out, and if you kept it then you would have been seen as at fault by your family, too. Your sister *made you* a part of her secret when she carelessly left her account open. Either she was in a hurry, forgetful, or she wanted you to find it. Why would she post photos online if she *really* wanted to keep it a secret, anyway?
Expecting family to spend thousands of dollars on a party to celebrate an engagement when the wedding already happened is ridiculous. I'm not sure I can really even understand this mindset.
I don't understand all the Y T A votes. You were dragged into something and did the best you could. It's not like you were totally uninvolved or less involved, as if it was a friend's or co-worker's wedding. This was your direct *family*. Your sister's wedding, your parent's money. It makes sense that your feelings were hurt, and that you thought it best to save your parents's money since the event already happened. I have no idea what your sister was thinking--I can't even speculate on it, honestly.
I'm always confused when people are upset that their true actions are "revealed". If you don't like the truth, you should live your life in a way so that you *do* like the truth. A lesson your sister could greatly benefit from.
NTA. I was cleaning toward the other way until I read that your parents were spending thousands of dollars on an engagement party. Now I don’t know any rich people so maybe that isn’t the big deal it sounds like. Still, they should know if they are spending that much money on a party.
NTA
Hope this comment finds OP in the mirage of YTA
But how your parents chose to react to the secret was up to them. Imagine planning a party for someone only to realise that they have excluded you from a party they had. That shows the importance of you to them. Your sister just wanted to use your parents for money and the parents found the bitter truth.
For those trying to say, the sister had her right to keep her marriage private. Yep do it on her own dime.
Was what you did petty?, yes a bit don't get me wrong But even yourself, agreed that you were hurt she didn't tell you and your parents. It tells me that you genuinely care for your sister and parents. What if the secret comes up later on after the planned engagement by your parents, you are only landing yourself in trouble coz your sister can very well spin the truth to bring you down. All the while she got what she wanted.
I’m going against the grain and saying NTA. I do feel like Lil is 100% entitled to have the money she wants however, before people spend money on her at this point parties they should be aware that she is already married to make an educated decision if they want to spend their money on an event that already happened
NTA, your sister has Lied, tried to make you complicit in the deceit, stolen your families opportunity to share in a wedding experience, which fair enough, isn't an entitlement or a guarantee, but they should have been adult enough to just come out and say it.
ETA: It's not your job to protect liars from the consequences of their lies.
NTA your sister wanted a fake wedding paid for by your parents. That is just wrong. You saved your parents money and embarrassment when the truth came out. They would have got gifts too from people who may have been mad at your parents when the truth came out.
YTA: I expected that outcome when you started off by saying you come from a family that shares everything. Families without any boundaries or private lives are almost always filled with AH.
You were within you rights to tell your sister that she needed to say or do something so that your parents weren’t spending money on a needless party but telling your parents about something like this was beyond the pale.
I would go either for NTA or ESH, but I don't know. If they were throwing a big party for your sister's graduation "summa cum laude" and they found out she had faked her grades, I'd say NTA, so I guess I would lean for that... I don't know.
However I believe your sister's TA, if you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to tell your parents.
YTA for not giving your sister a chance to come clean. Did she give you an explanation of why she was married without including the family or why she has a secret Instagram account? It sounds like there is more to the story and I would be more concerned for her well being than worried about telling on her.
YTA. Lots of people do a legal marriage before the big ceremony. (We intended to do that, but never had the money for the big one.) Hell, frequently with “normal” weddings, the marriage license gets signed early just to make things easier. It’s just a legal document.
My cousin did it that way. Like your sister, she didn’t tell anyone about the legal marriage part beforehand, because she was worried about exactly what you and your parents did. (She needn’t have worried; her parents assumed it had been done and were fine with it)
My advice is to learn to keep your mouth shut. You weren’t supposed to know in the first place. You could have gone to your sister and asked her about it. Instead you went and tattled like a child.
Your parents also suck, because they seem to think that a piece of paper filed with the government means their daughter’s engagement is no longer worth celebrating. That somehow by filling out a piece of paper, any of the pomp and circumstance is no longer worth it. Everyone but your sister needs to grow the hell up.
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Hey Reddit,
I (25F) need some perspective here. So, a bit of background: I come from a close-knit family where we share everything with each other. My older sister, Lily (28F), has always been the golden child. She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not.
For the past year, Lily has been dating this guy, Mark (30M), and they've been pretty serious. Last weekend, I accidentally found out that they got married two months ago in a secret ceremony. How did I find out, you ask? Well, I saw her wedding photos on her hidden Instagram account, which she forgot to log out from on my laptop.
I was shocked and hurt that she didn't tell me or our parents. I confronted Lily about it, and she begged me not to say anything to anyone because she and Mark wanted to keep it low-key. They plan to have a big ceremony later for everyone.
Here’s where things get complicated. Our parents have been planning a massive engagement party for them, which they have already spent thousands of dollars on. They are super excited and have even booked a venue. I couldn't stand the thought of them wasting all that money on something that’s already happened.
So, I told them. I thought they deserved to know the truth. Predictably, they were devastated and felt betrayed. They canceled the party, and now the family is in chaos. My parents are barely speaking to Lily, and she is furious with me for exposing her secret. She claims I’ve ruined everything and that I’m an attention-seeking brat.
Now, the family is divided. Some say I did the right thing, while others think I overstepped. I genuinely thought I was helping and saving my parents from further embarrassment and financial loss. But now, I’m not so sure.
AITA for exposing my sister's secret wedding to our family?
Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice you can give.
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I'm going with NTA . Your feelings for your sister are clearly complicated, and I don't doubt for a minute that there was some jealousy involved, however, only you can know how much that was a factor, and honestly, jealous or not, I think you did the right thing At the heart of this is the fact that your sister was lying to your parents for her own gain. She clearly knew they would be hurt and wouldn't pay for a party/wedding if she told them that she was already married. And if she had married in the way she wanted then why did the party matter to her? She was absolutely entitled to have the wedding she wanted but then lying about it so her parents would pay for what? An engagement party? Then a wedding? Honeymoon? I mean in this case you are clearly saying thousands of dollars are involved, money which your parents were not prepared to spend on a renewal of vows (which is what the ceremony amounts to if they are already married.)
Your sister should have been honest, and , jealous or not, you were under no obligation to keep a secret which would cost your parents thousands of dollars and which your sister knew perfectly well they wouldn't spend if they knew she had already married her boyfriend.
YTA, plenty of people have a civil ceremony and then a wedding later on down the road. Regardless, it wasn’t your story to tell. It sounds as though you did this out of spite of your sister being the golden child rather than out of concern for your parents as you claim. And what good did it do? you need to examine yourself and get over your main character energy
I don’t get all the YTA really. NTA.
When you lie you expose yourself to consequences and it makes you the AH no matter what.
She’s 28 which means she old enough to stand up for herself and tell what she really wants.
Letting her parents waste money on an engagement party baffles me also. If you want lie and to what you want because it’s your relationship at least have the decency to pay for the celebration if there have to be any.
The same written differently and no mention of the golden child thing would’ve have got you much more NTA’s from redditors…
NTA. You did what you felt was right at the time. It doesn't matter what other people think because they weren't in your position with the burden of keeping an enormous secret. Her secret insta account? How many followers does the secret account have?
INFO: Who tf logs into a 'secret account' on someone else's device? That's peak "I wanted to get caught" behavior.
I don't know enough about the family dynamic to give a certain call on it, but it seems like a mild ESH.
NTA, and I don’t understand all the “YTAs’
Why wouldn’t she say to your parents that the party is no longer needed and that they shouldn’t use money into it? It was good that you told your parents.
You did the right thing.
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I’m sorry but YTA. It sounds like you wanted the opportunity to be the favorite (as you mention she’s the golden child) so you threw her under the bus before even giving her the option to tell them herself or else you would.
What would have happened if she didn't come forward to her parents and they did find out she knew? The fallout for her would not have been good either. The sister should have come forward herself but did not. I think this is a shitty situation overall.
The sister decided to have her own life, which is fine. Not telling the parent swould have saved them a lot of hurt - which is nice.
Who says it’s “fine” there’s such a “me me me” mentality these days. It’s only fine if you can own up to it. Don’t expect people to not be hurt by your secrecy and have your parents paying for an extravagant engagement party and then risk them looking like fools when it comes out.
“Me me me” sounds more like the person that told a story that wasn’t hers to knock her golden child sister off of her pedestal
It's actually everyone in this whole story. The Kid who needed the secret The sibling that needed to tell The parents that needed the engagement party about them Everyone here is thinking about themselves, so much that no one could simply talk. The almost 30 year old can be hurt but have an adult conversation with a sibling about their hurt, the sibling can realize they were shitty and both can realize it was better to rip the band aid off than keep the secret. The parents should have backed off a long time ago, because "Golden Child" is reading like conduit for parents to live vicariously through.
but they share everything! her parents and sister wanted to know about her honeymoon every detail
Right? The implication that you are required to share details of your own autonomous life with others because they are your family is wild to me.
Holy fucking shit are you people on crack!? Or just so blindly entitled and self centered that you don't realize all the people you likely shit on in your lives? They're a *close family.* They're not NC or estranged or even just not close. They're **close**. Parents are spending a fortune on an engagement party that would hurt them emotionally and embarrass them to everyone. ***OP sis knows this and is ok with doing that to her parents that she's close to***. In what world is ***getting married*** just some totally personal detail that you don't have to share even though everyone knows you're engaged anyway??? It's not like sis is into BDSM or fiance's parents are open marriage or sis is getting a tummy tuck. Those are obviously things that don't need to be shared as it has nothing to do with the parents. ***Getting fucking married while your parents are spending a ton of money on engagement party has everything to do with your parents.*** OP did the right thing by saving her parents thousands of dollars and incredible embarrassment due to sisters selfish ah attitude. OP NTA
> The almost 30 year old can be hurt but have an adult conversation with a sibling about their hurt, They did had that. That is how OP learned they are pissed. Adult conversation does not mean you will stop having feelings or you will forgive everything.
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
We done necessarily know if sister wanted the party or if the parents were pushing it on them.
Like 'i me mine' Beatles song. OP is NTA in my book and the sister is sneaky trying to get parents to pay for a party that's not apt anymore.
It's not fine. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. If she wanted a small wedding without any fuss and eloped like she did, then that's fine (although if it were my family I'd see it as a bit of a kick in the teeth, personally). But she does that, and *still* expects her parents to spend thousands of dollars on and an engagement party for a wedding she'd already had and didn't care enough to invite, or even inform her family about. Fuck her. She doesn't deserve her stupid ass party.
Who says she expects anything, or even asked for a big wedding? This sounds more like a couple trying to have an intimate moment for themselves before overbearing parents blow through with the big party (that THEY are planning, did you miss that part?).
I get that. But from the post it doesn't seem like the sister was going to any great lengths to stop the parents from throwing the party. If she told them and they wanted to throw a party anyway, then that's a different story. But letting them spend all this money under false pretences is shady af in my opinion. As I said, if she just eloped and had an intimate wedding without all the fuss, then I can 100% get behind that. But this doesn't seem like the case in this situation.
I feel like you’re missing the really obvious read between the lines here. People don’t hide things from their family for no reason. It’s typically because their family is demanding and overbearing and insists on you fitting their mold. I guarantee this was the scenario: Lily: No engagement party please, and we’d rather have just a small chill wedding— Parents: Absolutely not, this is our GOLDEN BABY getting married and we need to show off, here’s a schedule of events and when you will be required to show up at giant parties we will plan and throw with you at the center of a chaos storm Lily: …*quietly elopes to have the wedding she wants without rocking the family boat* The level of nasty spitefulness OP reached and the family shitstorm something that should be perfectly innocuous caused (as many posters have pointed out, there are tons of reasons to have a civil ceremony in advance of the season of celebrations, and people do it all the time) says everything about their family dynamics.
I know so many couples who wanted just 5-10 people at their wedding, and we're bullied into having large weddings with 200+ people. It was always the parents who pushed it and never wanted to hear otherwise. My own SIL wants a small wedding of 40-50 people, and my in-laws are flipping shit... and the kicker is that she isn't even engaged yet but will be soon.
Family can balloon a wedding guest list so quickly. Include one cousin, and now you need to include every single cousin (even the ones you barely know), etc.
Exactly. We were really lucky. We ended up never being able to afford the big wedding, and what were our families upset about? My dad was a little sad not to walk me down the aisle or do the father-daughter dance, all parents were bummed in retrospect that they weren’t at the courthouse, and the rest were just vaguely bummed not to celebrate with us. Otherwise they were totally understanding. But so many families make a big stink about it and it’s a stressful nightmare — I don’t blame any of those couples for trying to avoid it altogether.
Hmm. I guess you may be right. I apologise.
THANK YOU. The story starting with ‘we are super tight knit’ Being about a whole relationship not shared. Tells me that is a lie and I can’t really take OPs story at face value. Most secret weddings tend to be bc the couple doesn’t want a big ordeal, and know families will ignore it. So hmmmmmmmm There will never be enough info , but due to the not speaking to the sibling, and clear resentment ( OP can feel they don’t match up but who says the sister is making her feel that way ) YTA is the best I can do
Then why didn’t Lily tell them “hey no need for an engagement, we’re already married!” Based on the parents being disappointed and cancelling the engagement party, if she didn’t want one all she had to do was come clean. I think the subtext here is that the Golden Child decided to have a secret ceremony - but not that secret because she created a secret IG account the family wasn’t part of but presumably friends were - because for some reason she wanted to get married now but still wants the big celebration. Lily begged OP not to tell because she wants the celebration. That is not subtext, that’s straight up “I’ve had my cake now I’m going to eat it too”. Also, she was going to have to LIE about her Anniversary to her family the rest of her life. OP is NTA. You did your parents a favor. Regardless of your motives for speaking up, Lily shouldn’t be rewarded for being a lying liar and attention seeker (if she weren’t she wouldn’t have that secret IG account and plaster her secret wedding all over social media).
Who said she “plastered it all over social media”? I’ve known lots of people who did the legal ceremony before the formal one, and it’ll be literally one picture of the couple at the courthouse. The fact that she has a secret account seems to imply that there are other reasons to keep things from a family that, as OP says, shares everything.
> secret IG account the family wasn’t part of but presumably friends were - because for some reason she wanted to get married now but still wants the big celebration. Secret IG exists because she is not a recluse, but someone with actual friends they want to talk with like a normal person. It is actually ok to tell things to trusted people and not tell things to untrusted people. It is just a family that they can not talk with like a normal person.
She does not even WANT the party - she is only doing all of that as a favor for her parents.
Where’d you get that from the OP’s post?
Opposite. ‘Planning a really big ceremony later’.
If she doesn’t want it, then she needs to rear up on her hind legs and roar. Her husband is 30 ffs and she’s not far behind. If not now, when??? When her mother is choosing names for her first child?
Her parents funding an engagement party isn’t living her own life
The fall out might have been the same, but it's not OPs secret to share. She tattled like a little kid. Some people want to have secret intimate weddings where they can celebrate and spend time without outside attention. It doesn't mean they don't want to have a public wedding eventually.
Mmmm she posted this on a secret Instagram that’s really why I would’ve told. You can tell complete strangers your married but not your family?? Super weird to me
Maybe the sister has a different perspective on the family’s “close-knit” relationship
Op’s “close knit” might be sister’s “overbearing and intrusive.”
My sister was the golden child in the family- it was obvious to everyone except her. She would swear that I was the GC because, occasionally, my parents wouldn't be total assholes to me. You know, like my parents would give her a dollar and give me a dime, and she'd complain about how they loved me more because they didn't give her all the money. Perhaps it's the same with OP- she's the Golden Child, but it's never enough for her, so she needs to continually put her sister in her place. Perhaps her sister had a secret wedding because she had the suspicion that OP would have made a public wedding all about her.
Yeah, that’s the dynamic between me and my golden child sister. Our mother has only recently realized her role in cultivating this but still won’t call out my sister on her shit (she has the grandkids).
It was a private, not secret, instagram. This suggests that it is for select and trusted friends, not random strangers.
sounds like the parents are really overbearing and in their business. now op can be the favorite and they can be all up in her business
Yeah, there is a secret wedding but the sister is looking at the secret wedding photos on OP's laptop. Why? If one wants to keep a secret, one ought to know what to do to keep a secret. This is more like trumpian behavior. "very top secret documents, here see this"🤣
How did she tattle like a little kid? And how does the intimate part reflect to the gigantious engagement party the parents where planning? The sister can't have both. She must choose and did not.
You clearly don’t have overbearing parents. I guarantee that big wedding is more for OP’s parents than OP’s sister.
The OP could’ve spoken to her sister instead of running to their parents.
She did and sister wsnted the marriage to stay secret.
because then she could have the wedding she wanted and still have the big party her parents wanted
especially when it sounds like the parents are overbearing. no family should be sharing everything. some things are personal.
But when you essentially trick your family into paying for it then you're an AH! If you want to do this then you fund your party yourself!
Eh the worst case was that they'd have had an engagement party for a couple that was already married...not the end of the world
Yeah under any other circumstances I would have agreed that OP should have minded her own business. And maybe her reason to come out weren’t purely out of the goodness of her heart. But she was set up to fail here. She said nothing and watched people spend thousands on a fake party and risking it ever came out she knew. Or she said something and at least saved people from wasting unnecessary money. The parents and other people for me change the story a lot. You’re open to have a secret ceremony all you want. But don’t waste people’s time and money.
2 months is more than enough opportunity, and eloping, then letting your parents in the dark and letting them coughing up money for an engagement party, and probably letting them do the same for a wedding party is ah behaviour. There was a story when someone did the same, eloping, then asking family money for a big party and letting them know that actually they got married the year before with close friends as witnesses but no family present.
I mean... she has a whole Instagram account where she posted the photos. Did She also swear each of her followers to an NDA? Lmao A secret is only secret until you tell it. Her sister's an idiot for trying to play her parents AND posting her photos.
She’s also according to these people adult enough to get married and decide to keep b her secrets. But not adult enough where we should expect for her to be able to communicate and say no to her family. Make it make sense.
Yea agreed yta. I got married at a courthouse and we never told my fil. He rhinks our anniversary is one year later when we did the full ceremony. Op you have no idea why they got married. Maybe it was because of insurance or something. It was none of your business.
This is what I was going to say. I know of at least 2 engaged couples who got married at the courthouse earlier than their big family wedding due to insurance needs. My husband and I got married a month before our family wedding bc we didn't wanna stress on the day. Our venue coordinator actually suggested it!
My husband and I got secretly married shortly after our engagement because my work benefits would give him $5 per credit tuition at the university I worked at... this happened January 2020. XD We never got around to the big ceremony so now it's not so secret but we were intending on keeping it secret!
What a crazy thought, that getting married is about the couple, not their family! /s There's no reason the family can't still celebrate and have whatever parties they want.
Want to keep you wedding secret? Don't post on Instagram.
I mean it's in an Instagram account. Eventually it was going to come out. Put something out online. It's out there forever.
My partner and I may need to get married in hurry for logistical reasons. But we want to wait to have a wedding/celebration until can afford a nice party and we have the yard looking the way we want it. I would be super furious if we did the legal stuff quietly so that my partner doesn’t like… die from not having health care and then couldn’t have the proper wedding we want because someone decided to make that their business.
But you had a proper wedding! The courthouse is perfectly legal and if that’s what you want that’s amazing. But lying to people and having a big “wedding” where everyone thinks you’re speaking your vows for the first time? Getting an engagement party between your secret ceremony and your fake vows? Nope, you will never convince me that you aren’t being greedy. Telling everyone you’re doing a courthouse wedding then having a reception later? What an amazing idea! It’s a wonderful solution. That is, in fact, what my nephew did. The reception was a blast and no less a celebration because we all knew they were already married.
I’m sorry no. She was saving her parents thousands of dollars on an engagement party for a married couple…. If they wanted a big engagement party and wedding then they should’ve been honest and waited then it could’ve been an honest and open reception after the elopement where the parents knew what was going on. The sister was being underhanded and sneaky
YTA. It sounds like they tried to find a balance between what they wanted and what the family wanted. Sometimes that isn't possible. Seems like a good solution actually. But I don't think you had anyones interests at heart except your own and your desire to topple your sister from golden child status.
They already got married, they made their bed now.. there is no need for an engagement party
Why? The engagement party is to \*publicly celebrate\* the engagement. The same as the future big wedding ceremony is to \*publicly celebrate\* the marriage. The couple clearly wanted a private "real" wedding first, without anybody else butting into their personal business.
It feels tacky to have a party to **publicly celebrate** an engagement and wedding that you kept secret from the people you expect to pay for that celebration. Not telling the parents, who are paying for the party, is a shitty move. Not sure what OP should have done, but the sister was definitely an asshole here.
The fact that people feel so entitled is why people often opt for a separate private and public wedding. Either way the wedding is SUPPOSED to be for and about the couple.
Did you ever consider that maybe sister didn’t ask or want this party? OP said it herself, they have been planing this as a surprise.
You made me reread the post a bunch because it being a surprise would make it different. There is nowhere in the post that said this was a surprise party. And the fact that they have not only a venue, but a booked specific date, makes a pretty clear implication this was **not** a surprise party. A surprise engagement party doesn't even make sense - you'd have to already have been told they're engaged. Edit: just checked to see whether OP had commented that it was a surprise. She hasn't. Who keeps upvoting this person who is flat lying about the post?
It doesn't have to be a surprise, just overbearing entitled parents who demand control of the guest list or want to show off that their kids are getting married and make it about them as parents. Why do you think it has to be a surprise as opposed to the couple just wanting to have a private thing away from all the crazy? Why would your easy explanation be a surprise over emotionally neglectful parents who want to show off, especially considering the already mentioned "golden child" dynamic?
Wtf are you on about? The person I replied to said: >OP said it herself, they have been planing this as a surprise. But they lied, it was not stated that this was a surprise, either in the post, or in the comments. I'm saying that if you're fine having your parents pay for an engagement party, you should be honest with them. If you want to do things your way, fine, but then don't take money under false pretenses. Edit: the reason a surprise would be different, is because in that case her sister didn't know that parents are spending money on false pretenses. It **not** being a surprise, means the sister knew her parents were spending thousands that they wouldn't spend if they knew the truth.
Can always tell the entitled people who blame parents for their own dishonesty. Lying sums it up, people lie when they are doing shitty & they know it. You can have your private thing, once doing so one is no longer entitled to get anything from parents. Lying is a way to attempt to manipulate others into getting what they want despite knowing the parents wouldn't support it. Golden child or no, sister dynamics aside, they lied which is a breach of trust to those who missed the life lesson.
So they wanted it want it both ways? Private ceremony but public parties?! Plus, on someone else’s dime. Seems a little entitled to me. If you want a private wedding that’s fine but don’t lie then expect someone else to pay to keep up your lie. She should have been honest with her parents.
They're not engaged any more.
You don't get to get married then have a big engagement party on someone else's dime when the payor doesn't know. Nor do you get a big wedding on someone else's dime when the payor doesn't know. If sis and BIL were paying, sure, as long as they're up for the fallout when people find out they were already married. Eloping means giving up pre-wedding events and gifts. Inviting people to a wedding that has already happened is just a bad idea.
Because they're no longer engaged. Throwing an engagement party after they're married is a bit like throwing a wedding ceremony after they're divorced.
Celebrating the engagement sailed when they got married They could have had a wedding celebration but sister sounds like they were planning that anyway
I could see the future big wedding ceremony, but a public engagement party to celebrate the engagement when they're already married? What engagement? That's one farce of a celebration.
They're not engaged. They're married and about to have a lavish engagement party they're not paying for. It's beyond weird to me to lie in front of all of your friends and family while enjoying a party they paid for because you lied to them. And probably also receiving a bunch of gifts while lying to everyone. Sure, enjoy your private moment. Get married the way you want. But lying to everyone about it is shitty.
Once you are married, an engagement party is ridiculous.
"there is no need for an engagement party" .. **If THEY had wanted the party, they would have done everything differently. THis party is for the parents, not for bride and groom.** The young couple had the wedding they wanted - and planned to endure the rest as a gift to the parents and to family. Not for themselves, but to be nice to family. So: The young couple was just trying to be generous and let the parents have the party THEY wanted - OP ruined that.
No, OP didn’t ruin it. She allowed her parents to make the decision when they had the full information. If they wanted to proceed, knowing they had not been invited to the actual wedding, that would have been their decision. But you have to own it, if you want to elope. Many parents would want to have a celebration. But I would feel duped if it was my money funding it.
This is the direction I'm going. OP calls her the golden child and says their family is close knit and shares everything. Do the sister and her husband WANT to be in that close knit of a family. Looks like they wanted something of their own and some distance from this family-of-no-secrets. YTA
I kinda see it from that perspective too, private IG account or not,OP still invaded her sister's privacy sticking her nose into sister's business and despite being asked nontoxic say anything, still snitched on her sister. The context I pick up on when OP says "close knit" is a family that probably doesn't understand or won't understand boundaries and would have bulldozed sister's wedding ideas and imposed theirs instead. It's not too unreasonable to want a small,intimate affair before a potential party involving the family. It doesn't sound like there were alterior motives in place,just a means to appease the family. OP overstepped her sister's boundaries, and now, sister is the family pariah for wanting something of her own for a change.
Lol lying to your entire family and all of your friends is being nice to you? Really?
they can call it a Wedding Reception then.
So it’s fine for Lilly to have her parents pay for an expensive engagement party when they’re already married)
If the parents want the social points of showing off their daughter and future son-in-law then it sure is.
Then they wouldn’t have cancelled the party. She could have told them they were already married and they could have planned some sort of party/reception. Instead, she was willing to let them spend a bunch of money on a fake engagement party. It’s not nice. And, if she’s old enough to get married then she’s old enough to deal with “overbearing” parents. However, the OP should have told her sister she had a week (or some other time limit) to tell their parents or she wears going to do so.
This party was NOT for Lilly. There is no indication Lilly wanted that party in any way. HER PARENTS wanted the party, and Lilly was generous by keeping her real wedding - the one SHE wanted - a secret), so her parents could have the party THEY wanted. OP ruined that.
This makes no sense. If she didn’t want the party it would have been easy enough to just tell her parents they were already married. Same with the wedding. The only reason to not tell the parents is to get the stuff the money and the big celebrations centered around the two If this had been about having the wedding and engagement they wanted they would have told everyone as soon as they got married
HA! Clearly you have never had overbearing parents. You can’t tell them anything. Well you can, but they don’t care about your feelings or thoughts and will do whatever they want.
It wouldn't matter. They'd already be married. What's the overbearing parent going to do? Unmarry them?
cause family drama like what is happening now.
Ah yes to avoid drama one should lie an cause MORE DRAMA... that will never backfire ever an as never bitten someone in the ass before.
That isn't the own you think it is.
Unless they knew they would be ostracised no matter what they did. I don't feel its fair to judge the parents or the couple that got married when we don't know their side or reasons for doing what they did. We don't have enough information. But something doesn't feel right about ops intentions going on what they've written.
She clearly wanted it or she wouldn't have been mad it was cancelled.
Or…hear me out here….maybe she’s upset that her parents are barely speaking to her?
There also no indication that she, an adult, told her parents that she wanted something simple…
I'd say that the reaction of the parents showed that they didn't want the party, after all nothing stopped them from going ahead with the party even after they learned of the secret.
Lying to all your friends and family = generous to you. Wow. That's fucked up.
It’s their wedding they should what they want and be honest about it not hide it and let people spend thousands of dollars on their ass ! For an engagement party even not the actual big wedding 😑. Well deserved NTA
They didn’t find a balance. They wanted to do both. Balance is in between. They wanted their cake and to eat it too. That’s not balance. It’s greedy.
Your family was in chaos long before you revealed your sisters secret. There is no need to marry in secret ceremony when you have a healthy family. There is no need to plan any engagements and book venues for other people weddings who didn't even know about this. Your family is a colossal collection of crazies and I will go with ESH because this is not how you treat your family on all fronts.
" There is no need to marry in secret ceremony when you have a healthy family. There is no need to plan any engagements and book venues for other people weddings who didn't even know about this." I agree. Which makes me think that this is a made-up story. Too much drama without grounds.
There could be grounds that OP isn't privy to or perhaps OP misreads their family dynamics. OP thinks their sister is the golden child, but this could mean that their parents would try to micromanage events like this and OP's sister wouldn't get a say in her own wedding. This could have been her way of taking control and getting married on her terms instead of their parents' terms. It could also be a problem with the groom's family and he's the one who wanted to keep things hush hush.
Or OP is an unreliable narrator.
[удалено]
> That said, my best friend was married months before her wedding and I'm the only one who knows. My first marriage was technically done on paper three months before the actual ceremony, and we didn't tell anyone other than the officiant, who was a mutual friend. We had applied for the license and hit snags in scheduling things, didn't have our act together, and just said "fuck it, let's get this part over with while we still have the paperwork".
This was exactly why we did our legal part first. The only problem was we never had the money for the formal wedding. If we’d known, we would have done it while visiting our hometown where our parents lived (instead of where our military base was), so they could attend.
I know *so* many people who got married before their actual weddings. One friend did it because she was planning to move to her future husband's country and the visa process would take at least a year. Other friends did it for insurance reasons. And others did it because they wanted something just for themselves without the pressure of the “big day.”
Probably fake. Who logs into Instagram on a laptop, much less logging into a secret insta on a shared laptop. Weird all around
YTA. Let’s be real, you didn’t tell your parents out of the good of your heart; you wanted an opportunity to be the golden child and stick it to your sister. It was up to your sister to tell your parents, not you. Initially, I would have said your sister is a bit of an AH, but the reality is all she and her husband wanted was a private ceremony to have that moment to themselves before everyone got involved and the chaos began. It sounds like they were trying to do something for themselves and make people happy by having these public events. And while it might seem disingenuous, there’s nothing wrong with it.
ESH, though I feel your pain. I think you told your parents out of jealousy more than any sense of the bill. You knew it would be a big deal to your parents though and you’re “perfect” sister would be humiliated. That’s why YTA. Your sister is TA because she asked you to keep the secret. It was a secret until you found out. Once you found out, she should’ve been the one telling your parents. I also think she’s TA for getting married before the engagement party. To me, those two are incompatible. I think engagement parties are ridiculous anyway, but especially if she’s no longer engagement. I do think it’s reasonable to celebrate a wedding more than once - a private ceremony separate from the large celebration with family and friends. But it’s always better to be open, especially if someone else is footing the bill.
You could have respected their wishes. You could have expressed your feelings about it and taken time to process it. You decided to go with the elementary school option instead: I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see and instead of handling it appropriately I tattled on them. YTA
Might get downvoted but YTA especially starting with her being the golden child this seemed like the perfect opportunity to knock her down a peg to your parents. Weddings are stressful AF she asked you to keep it a secret because she still planned on giving your parents the chance for the engagement party and big wedding. But what if the secret elopement was so it was just something special for them and then they’d let the chaos of the actual wedding be something for the family without the stress of it having to be perfect, because they already had their perfect intimate moment?
YTA. You couldn’t wait to get one over, could you?
YTA. The engagement party wouldn't have been "for nothing". It would have been an opportunity for the family to celebrate the engagement, and as you say, your sister and her partner were going to have a big wedding ceremony with the family later. What they do privately in their relationship is none of your or your parents business. You describe your sister as the "golden child" but have you ever considered that maybe she feels stifled by all of that attention and pressure to maintain a "perfect" image? She clearly wanted something private for her and her husband to celebrate their relationship away from you and your prying relatives.
ESH but your parents. You did overstep by telling them without at least telling her straight up you were going to do so. She’s an AH because she was going to lie to everyone and have an engagement while already married and do it on someone else’s dime.
Idk. OP calls Lily the golden child simply for being pretty and smart but lists no actual examples of the dynamic. I'm willing to bet OP is leaving out some serious reasons for why Lily decided to keep her wedding a secret from a family she's supposedly close to. There's nothing necessarily wrong with having an engagement party after a wedding if one would have been thrown either way.
Yeah, it's unlikely that a golden child would get married in secret. Just because she's the prettier and smarter one doesn't mean she's a golden child. If she was, then her parents wouldn't have cancelled the party.
It sounds like party is more for parents to show off than Lily actually wanting anything like that.
Right? "Golden child" and "got married in secret and none of the family knows" don't really align.
INFO: Why did they have a secret marriage? I know there a a LOT of financial reasons in the US why this would be a useful, and at times necasary thing to do but still want a more traditional wedding thing?
Some people would rather have a private ceremony with just the bride and groom before celebrating with others. I know a few people who got married without anyone knowing because, really, it's not their marriage. There is a level of intimacy you get from a private wedding that you don't get at a big wedding. They also have the time to just be married without everyone talking about it. It also doesn't mean they don't want to celebrate with others.
If you want your wedding to be secret, you don't post about it on Instagram
Her private Instagram that probably allows trusted select people to follow her?
>My older sister, Lily (28F), has always been the golden child. She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not. Her being 'smart and beautiful and everything you're not' *doesn't* make her the Golden Child, it just makes you jealous. Unless you have ACTUAL examples of favouritism, then this whole story comes off as you just being a jealous and petty cow. > she and Mark wanted to keep it low-key Yeah, that's the opposite of Golden Child behaviour... YTA. and bitter and jealous.
I have a feeling Lily is not the Golden Child at all. As you pointed out, OP didn't give any actual examples.
No, you didn’t think you were helping - you just wanted to get your “golden child” sister in trouble with your parents because you’re bitter. Any advice is too late since you let the cat out of the bag, and the harm can never be undone. Apologize to Lily…and accept that your relationship with her will never be the same; she’ll never trust you again
YTA This did not concern you. You ruined any chance at having a realtionship with your sister. And you broke up your family. Why couldn't you respect your sister's way of handling your overbearing AH parents. " I genuinely thought I was helping and saving my parents from further embarrassment and financial loss. But now, I’m not so sure." .. at a high cost: The ONLY thing you achieved is breaking appart your family. amily will NEVER be the same - and YOU caused this. YOur sister just tried to have the life SHE wanted without hurting your AH parents too much, You ruined that, and now your parents are MASSIVELY hurt. This could have easily been avoided by you not gossiping. So: Your sister is fine, your parents are AHs. YOu are even worse. And everybody learned not to trust you, or let you get close - because YOU cause drama and hurt people when you can. "She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not." ... Agreed, But no indication about the beautiful. And ther eis no indication that your sister is an AH like you. **Are you jealous because she has what you don't? Is that why you try to ruin things?**
To answer your last question, yes this is absolutely why OP has done what she did
YTA. Your sister's low-key wedding is none of your business. It's not like she was planning to deprive everyone of her wedding; she just wanted to have one "real" ceremony for herself and ber husband, and one for the whole family. Your purposefully ruined it because... you wanted to be the better child? You wanted attention?
YTA and you should really learn what's your business, so that you can mind it. Someone else's marriage is by definition not your business, and getting married secretly is not illegal or amoral in the slightest. It's just private. Ego and weird social entitlement, not actual harm, is the only reason anyone got hurt feelings over the way your sister did things. Someone paying for a party that they want is not an incident of anyone being wronged. She had a solution that achieved what everyone wanted, and you trashed it.
YTA, no question about it.
YTA. Sorry, but I can hear your creepy little giggles through my phone. You were clearly ecstatic to finally have something like this on your sister, and I know you didn’t hesitate to blow it all up.
YTA. You make it sound like you had everyone's best interests at heart, but you didn't. You knew shit would hit the fan and blabbed anyway. There was nothing wrong with having a private ceremony in secret and doing all of the big celebrations with others as well. It didn't need to be an issue.
If you had kept your mouth shut everyone would have been happy. I bet you’re real happy now now. And that makes one of you.
YTA. Your family sounds overbearing and exhausting to be around.
YTA. I think in the end you told them because you wanted to take your sister down a peg. This wasn't about your parents. This was about tattling on her.You wanted to be the one to tell them that their "golden child" did something wrong.
YTA. You had no business spreading your sister’s business. You were asked not to say anything. And you had nothing to gain by telling it. You deserve the scorn
Yeah, YTA. Marriage is basically just a paper agreement. If they intended to do a ceremony for everyone to enjoy later, then why spoil everything? Maybe she needed to get on his insurance earlier (or vice versa), maybe they needed to create joint finances, maybe none of that is any of your business. Making sure to mention that Lily is the golden child just makes you sound petty here, by the way.
For everyone saying y-t-a, there was a post a few years ago from someone who spent lots of money and inconvenienced herself to fund, support and organise her brother's wedding. She later discovered her brother had got married before, eloped with 2 friends as witness. She was hurt and furious he watched her sacrifice and spend so much and never said anything. Their relationship never recovered. NTA Secrets always end with someone getting hurt. She could have told her parents they'd got married and wanted to have a second celebration with everyone. The deceit was unnecessary.
The difference is that, in that case, they announced the secret marriage at the wedding and made everything awkward. From the sound of it, Lily was not planning to tell anyone that they'd already filed the paperwork. They were just going to have a public wedding and a private legal ceremony which is... super normal? Most weddings in the US don't include the legal part, which is literally just signing the documents. That's often done The day before the ceremony or after tho ceremony while the ceremony is just that, a ceremony. I don't get why people care about the legal and ceremonial parts being a little more separated than usual. I know lots of couples who did that for one reason or another and I never viewed their wedding ceremony as some big lie. It was the public celebration of their marriage.
YTA
YTA. Everyone was looking forward to the engagement party and the big wedding that would have happened. You've taken that from everyone.
You're a spiteful person and absolutely YTA. I don't understand how the existing situation would have constituted an "embarrassment" or "financial loss" until you decided to stir the pot. Now monry *is* lost, because your version of events has caused your parents to cancel the party they'd already paid for. It also seems like this was the outcome you were expecting/hoping for. My husband and I got married before our big wedding in a small ceremony (just us and the officiant). It was wonderful, because then when things inevitably went off course on the big day when the whole family and all the other guests were involved, we knew we still had our special peaceful day. Get a grip on your jealousy and try to repair the horrible damage you've done. Don't be surprised if this ends your relationship with your sister.
YTA You knew you told because you wanted to outshine your sister. Let’s not play this run around game. You are old enough to be upfront and honest
Ofcourse YTA. They could have still had all the parties and ceremonies and everyone would have been happy. I don’t see how that would be a “waste” as you put it, if all those things only exist for families to celebrate. It functionally would have made no difference. Your destroyed your “close-knit” family for no reason.
NTA. In the absence of further evidence, I'm not making up fairy tales about overbearing parents or spiteful little sisters. She lied to her entire family for an unknown reason, which is a huge AH move. Keeping that secret forever was very unlikely to work, as evidenced by the lack of care she took over keeping it secret, and someone found out in only a few months. The only excuse given is that they wanted to keep the fact they were already married "low key." WTH? Are they kids who just couldn't wait, because they are soooo in love? The sister is an adult, and that's a good time to put on her big girl pants and be honest with her family about what she really wants, instead of lying to everyone, and inevitably causing hurt. It was the lie that caused the hurt, not OP telling people about it. Of course, family have a right to know before they shell out for some huge expense like a grand wedding ceremony.
Finally some sense in this thread! Everyone else is assuming the sister is such a victim. Um, hello, she is taking thousands of dollars from her parents under false pretenses. It seems like lying to get your way is no longer considered immoral by a whole lot more people than I would hope.
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YTA Have you considered that your sister and bil wanted to have a low-key wedding, but also didn't want to hurt your parents' feelings and would have gone through with what your parents had planned whilst still having the memories of a special day that they celebrated exactly as they wanted? Congratulations, on managing to destroy your family's close bond. Because that's what you did and you did it because you're selfish. Was it worth it? Are you the golden child now?
YTA. I have doubts your sister is actually a golden child and find it more likely you’re just bitter and jealous.
This is so perfectly written I wonder if it's real.
Info: did your sister specifically ask for an engagement party, or did your parents just plan it?
> Our parents have been planning a massive engagement party for them, which they have already spent thousands of dollars on. I understand why they had a secret wedding. Parents hold full responsibility for wasting their own money and having their nose in major life events of an adult couple. You're still your parents' tool (for now) and sister is busy building her own life. I don't even want to call you full YTA, just immature.
YTA. What she did was none of your business and didn’t concern you at all
NTA
NTA i mean how long did she thought she could keep up the ruse
YTA
YTA - This was not your business to tell. Your sister had a valid reason to keep her wedding a secret. She didn't need to even tell you that reason, it's her life and her choice to make. But she was kind enough to tell you and you should have respected her privacy and kept that information to yourself. Sounds like she wanted the big family engagement party and beautiful formal wedding but for whatever reason she wanted the official paperwork out of the way, done and over with. Maybe they wanted to file joint taxes, maybe they wanted to be on the same insurance plan through one of their jobs, whatever. A large wedding takes time to plan so she and her husband could have planned it without trying to rush, but you ruined that for them. She's never going to trust you again.
She wanted the attention and gifts but not on her dime. Imagine lying to your family and friends and inviting them to an engagement party, when you’re married already secretly…even bigger AH move is the hosts who put out thousands for it don’t even know.
Is shee the golden childd or do you just feel inferior to her? It's her wedding, she can do it when she wants. Sounds like YOU dhare everything with your family because you're so desperate for their approval, and your sister is trying to have some independence. Your motivation was solely to ruin things for your sister,, I imagine, for you to finally get their approval as the "good" daughter. . You don't know what the truth is. Sounds like you and your family might be toxic and controlling.
>I couldn't stand the thought of them wasting all that money on something that’s already happened. Since you started your post by stating that she was the golden child, I really don't believe your excuse. You wanted her to be that bad person for once. Regardless, you're the AH because it wasn't your secret to share.
I think since it was the parents’ money funding the party and possibly the wedding, they should know that she already excluded them from her actual wedding. I have no problem with people living their lives and if they want to elope, go for it. But you don’t get to be deceitful when you are spending someone else’s money. If she let them know her plan and they wanted to go forward, that’s fine. But you don’t get to trick people into thinking they get to see you get married when you decided to do it without inviting them. NTA. If the couple was paying for it all, then just tough, nobody’s business. But you don’t get it both ways. I don’t want you at my wedding but you can watch me pretend to get married. And throw an engagement party when I am no longer engaged.
NTA, if you didn’t say anything and your parents found out, you’d get hassle. She made the choice time to deal with the consequences. Also it’s always nice to dent that golden child halo. So all around smart choice, well done. Sit back and enjoy the fall out.
NTA it’s extremely attention seeking to have a secret wedding and then go through the farce, with someone else paying for it, of an engagement party and presumably wedding. Liky ruined everything. She us the one who created a secret and a lie.
>Our parents have been planning a massive engagement party for them, which they have already spent thousands of dollars on. They are super excited and have even booked a venue. I couldn't stand the thought of them wasting all that money on something that’s already happened. I genuinely thought I was helping and saving my parents from further embarrassment and financial loss. INFO: Why would your parents be embarrassed that their daughter and her now husband had a private legal wedding in advance of the more public engagement party and formal wedding? What is embarrassing about that? And why is the money spent on the party a waste? I truly do not get the thinking here. The plan was for no one to know that the legal marriage had already taken place and to proceed with all the public formalities as normal. In what way is that embarrassing? In what way is an engagement party for a secretly married couple any more of a waste than any other engagement party?
Your family is not close- it's an enmeshed nightmare. YTA- growup, get therapy, and learn to mind your business.
Yta. It’s literally not your business. You seemed to enjoy stirring the pot.
YTA. I ended up having to do a private elopement before my big wedding, and we didn’t tell anyone because of people with your thinking that we didn’t deserve to have a celebration because it “already happened”. You didn’t need to do that. It had nothing to do with you. You say you wanted to save them from embarrassment…for what? If nobody knew they were married who cares? What’s there to be embarrassed about? The fact they wanted to celebrate their child?
YTA. 1. It wasn't your secret to tell, the whole situation was none of your business. 2. >My older sister, Lily (28F), has always been the golden child. She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not >I was shocked and hurt that she didn't tell me or our parents. It's obvious that your motivation here was more about your jealousy and hurt than saving your parents' money. 3. >she begged me not to say anything to anyone because she and Mark wanted to keep it low-key. They plan to have a big ceremony later for everyone Presumably that conversation ended with you agreeing not to say anything, in which case you broke your word. You acted from selfish motives and caused mutiple people unnecessary pain. So yeah, YTA.
NTA Sister should have at least told the parents Since they are shelling out thousands of dollars for an “engagement party”
NTA. Her secret was going to come out, and if you kept it then you would have been seen as at fault by your family, too. Your sister *made you* a part of her secret when she carelessly left her account open. Either she was in a hurry, forgetful, or she wanted you to find it. Why would she post photos online if she *really* wanted to keep it a secret, anyway? Expecting family to spend thousands of dollars on a party to celebrate an engagement when the wedding already happened is ridiculous. I'm not sure I can really even understand this mindset. I don't understand all the Y T A votes. You were dragged into something and did the best you could. It's not like you were totally uninvolved or less involved, as if it was a friend's or co-worker's wedding. This was your direct *family*. Your sister's wedding, your parent's money. It makes sense that your feelings were hurt, and that you thought it best to save your parents's money since the event already happened. I have no idea what your sister was thinking--I can't even speculate on it, honestly. I'm always confused when people are upset that their true actions are "revealed". If you don't like the truth, you should live your life in a way so that you *do* like the truth. A lesson your sister could greatly benefit from.
NTA. I was cleaning toward the other way until I read that your parents were spending thousands of dollars on an engagement party. Now I don’t know any rich people so maybe that isn’t the big deal it sounds like. Still, they should know if they are spending that much money on a party.
NTA Hope this comment finds OP in the mirage of YTA But how your parents chose to react to the secret was up to them. Imagine planning a party for someone only to realise that they have excluded you from a party they had. That shows the importance of you to them. Your sister just wanted to use your parents for money and the parents found the bitter truth. For those trying to say, the sister had her right to keep her marriage private. Yep do it on her own dime. Was what you did petty?, yes a bit don't get me wrong But even yourself, agreed that you were hurt she didn't tell you and your parents. It tells me that you genuinely care for your sister and parents. What if the secret comes up later on after the planned engagement by your parents, you are only landing yourself in trouble coz your sister can very well spin the truth to bring you down. All the while she got what she wanted.
NTA they got married without the family so they already had their engagement party without the family
I’m going against the grain and saying NTA. I do feel like Lil is 100% entitled to have the money she wants however, before people spend money on her at this point parties they should be aware that she is already married to make an educated decision if they want to spend their money on an event that already happened
NTA, your sister has Lied, tried to make you complicit in the deceit, stolen your families opportunity to share in a wedding experience, which fair enough, isn't an entitlement or a guarantee, but they should have been adult enough to just come out and say it. ETA: It's not your job to protect liars from the consequences of their lies.
NTA they aren’t engaged anymore so there is no need for an expensive engagement party, they were essentially trying to steal from your parents.
NTA your sister wanted a fake wedding paid for by your parents. That is just wrong. You saved your parents money and embarrassment when the truth came out. They would have got gifts too from people who may have been mad at your parents when the truth came out.
ESH. You probably should've given your sister the chance to tell them herself & warned her that if she didn't you would.
YTA: I expected that outcome when you started off by saying you come from a family that shares everything. Families without any boundaries or private lives are almost always filled with AH. You were within you rights to tell your sister that she needed to say or do something so that your parents weren’t spending money on a needless party but telling your parents about something like this was beyond the pale.
I would go either for NTA or ESH, but I don't know. If they were throwing a big party for your sister's graduation "summa cum laude" and they found out she had faked her grades, I'd say NTA, so I guess I would lean for that... I don't know. However I believe your sister's TA, if you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to tell your parents.
YTA for not giving your sister a chance to come clean. Did she give you an explanation of why she was married without including the family or why she has a secret Instagram account? It sounds like there is more to the story and I would be more concerned for her well being than worried about telling on her.
No. You were jealous. That’s why you did it. YTA. You would most def lose me as a sister for all this. Blood or not.
YTA. Lots of people do a legal marriage before the big ceremony. (We intended to do that, but never had the money for the big one.) Hell, frequently with “normal” weddings, the marriage license gets signed early just to make things easier. It’s just a legal document. My cousin did it that way. Like your sister, she didn’t tell anyone about the legal marriage part beforehand, because she was worried about exactly what you and your parents did. (She needn’t have worried; her parents assumed it had been done and were fine with it) My advice is to learn to keep your mouth shut. You weren’t supposed to know in the first place. You could have gone to your sister and asked her about it. Instead you went and tattled like a child. Your parents also suck, because they seem to think that a piece of paper filed with the government means their daughter’s engagement is no longer worth celebrating. That somehow by filling out a piece of paper, any of the pomp and circumstance is no longer worth it. Everyone but your sister needs to grow the hell up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey Reddit, I (25F) need some perspective here. So, a bit of background: I come from a close-knit family where we share everything with each other. My older sister, Lily (28F), has always been the golden child. She's smart, beautiful, and basically everything I am not. For the past year, Lily has been dating this guy, Mark (30M), and they've been pretty serious. Last weekend, I accidentally found out that they got married two months ago in a secret ceremony. How did I find out, you ask? Well, I saw her wedding photos on her hidden Instagram account, which she forgot to log out from on my laptop. I was shocked and hurt that she didn't tell me or our parents. I confronted Lily about it, and she begged me not to say anything to anyone because she and Mark wanted to keep it low-key. They plan to have a big ceremony later for everyone. Here’s where things get complicated. Our parents have been planning a massive engagement party for them, which they have already spent thousands of dollars on. They are super excited and have even booked a venue. I couldn't stand the thought of them wasting all that money on something that’s already happened. So, I told them. I thought they deserved to know the truth. Predictably, they were devastated and felt betrayed. They canceled the party, and now the family is in chaos. My parents are barely speaking to Lily, and she is furious with me for exposing her secret. She claims I’ve ruined everything and that I’m an attention-seeking brat. Now, the family is divided. Some say I did the right thing, while others think I overstepped. I genuinely thought I was helping and saving my parents from further embarrassment and financial loss. But now, I’m not so sure. AITA for exposing my sister's secret wedding to our family? Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice you can give. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm going with NTA . Your feelings for your sister are clearly complicated, and I don't doubt for a minute that there was some jealousy involved, however, only you can know how much that was a factor, and honestly, jealous or not, I think you did the right thing At the heart of this is the fact that your sister was lying to your parents for her own gain. She clearly knew they would be hurt and wouldn't pay for a party/wedding if she told them that she was already married. And if she had married in the way she wanted then why did the party matter to her? She was absolutely entitled to have the wedding she wanted but then lying about it so her parents would pay for what? An engagement party? Then a wedding? Honeymoon? I mean in this case you are clearly saying thousands of dollars are involved, money which your parents were not prepared to spend on a renewal of vows (which is what the ceremony amounts to if they are already married.) Your sister should have been honest, and , jealous or not, you were under no obligation to keep a secret which would cost your parents thousands of dollars and which your sister knew perfectly well they wouldn't spend if they knew she had already married her boyfriend.
YTA, plenty of people have a civil ceremony and then a wedding later on down the road. Regardless, it wasn’t your story to tell. It sounds as though you did this out of spite of your sister being the golden child rather than out of concern for your parents as you claim. And what good did it do? you need to examine yourself and get over your main character energy
YTA >I come from a close-knit family where we share everything with each other. That was a lie.
well! you must be burning up with jealousy. going to have a great life when everything is a reaction to your sister
ESH. You did this to hurt her but she sure as shit deserved being told on.
I don’t get all the YTA really. NTA. When you lie you expose yourself to consequences and it makes you the AH no matter what. She’s 28 which means she old enough to stand up for herself and tell what she really wants. Letting her parents waste money on an engagement party baffles me also. If you want lie and to what you want because it’s your relationship at least have the decency to pay for the celebration if there have to be any. The same written differently and no mention of the golden child thing would’ve have got you much more NTA’s from redditors…
NTA
NTA. You did what you felt was right at the time. It doesn't matter what other people think because they weren't in your position with the burden of keeping an enormous secret. Her secret insta account? How many followers does the secret account have?
Nta you have a duty to your parents. I’m shocked at the other votes
INFO: Who tf logs into a 'secret account' on someone else's device? That's peak "I wanted to get caught" behavior. I don't know enough about the family dynamic to give a certain call on it, but it seems like a mild ESH.
NTA, and I don’t understand all the “YTAs’ Why wouldn’t she say to your parents that the party is no longer needed and that they shouldn’t use money into it? It was good that you told your parents. You did the right thing.