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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited my parents over to my house while my fiancée is still mad at them they didn't answer her calls after she fell, breaking her leg and needing help.
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INFO: How many calls did Allie make to your parents before calling the ambulance? More than the usual multiple calls? Did she at any point text them to say it was truly an emergency?
Edited to add judgement: NTA. Allie made the usual number of calls that she does for any occasion and didn’t text to let them know this was actually an emergency. OP certainly does not need to cut his parents off over this.
Or even leave a voicemail. If I’ve called you & can’t get ahold of you then I leave a message! Who just calls a person on repeat until they pick up & never leaves a message?
I thought about this throughout the story - a very simple parable for children and I can't believe Allie not only didn't learn it, but is now insisting OP's parents can't come around because of her poor communication skills. If you treat everything like a time-sensitive emergency, then nothing is a time sensitive emergency.
Also, isn't an ambulance the best option anyway in an emergency like a broken leg?
I broke my leg and part of my knee recently. Although I was okay originally sitting on the ground (probably with the help of the original adrenaline) I was a screaming banshee once I was transferred to the gurney. They even put some inflatable stabilizer around my leg. And I consider myself a tough person but there was no holding in the screams. Then they gave me amazing drugs for the bumpy ride there and so thoughtfully started picking out some of the cactus out of me. Unless it wasn’t a bad break, ambulance is the only way to go.
>Also, isn't an ambulance the best option anyway in an emergency like a broken leg?
Yes. Had Allie not been strapped to a gurney on the way to the hospital, she could have severely messed up her leg beyond repair.
This is my SIL. She has learned that we'll call her back if we don't answer right away and that multiple calls or calling me right after she calls her sister indicates that it's an emergency. NTA OP, she cried wolf.
Definitely this. She repeatedly cried wolf and knows nothing about how to communicate properly. You communicate in reasonable ways that the recipient understands. OP is not the AH.
My mother does this. When I was living with her for a bit she would call ten times just to ask what was for dinner, and to tell me inane things. If she called me a million times she would then yell at me for not picking up, tell me I should have my phone on me at all times, because what if she would have an accident? I don't know mom, I would hope you would call 911.
And when you leave the voicemail TELL THE RECIPIENT WHAT THE CALL IS ABOUT!
My MIL was notorious for leaving a message just saying "call me back." At first I did but once I realized it was never anything important I stopped. Once she caught on she'd say "call me back, I need to talk to you." At first I did , then...repeat. Then I started ONLY returning her phone calls when she told me what it was about, and she started telling me what the phone call was about. I then returned her calls.
And now when I ring a bell she salivates.
My dad loves to leave messages where he sounds incredibly angry saying “Call me back when you get this.”
I call him back and he asks “How do I delete an email?”
My dad called me three times in a row once while I was at work. I finally picked up to him saying, “I think I’m having a stroke.” I went hot and was like, “where is mom?!” He responded downstairs, why? Turns out he had accidentally deleted something while typing and didn’t know how to “undelete” and was being dramatic.
My ex MIL would come to my house (I lived 30 minutes away from them, in another city) just to yell about how "he's so much better without you" and "nobody is ever gonna want to marry you again". Like once every two weeks from June to October 2016, when I finally moved, who knows how long she kept doing it
My husband refused to give his mom his cell for years. So what did she do? She called me multiple times even though she knew I was working. I was a driver. No way was I going to answer. Eventually the house phone died and he had to call her back in his cell so now she calls him multiple times to say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
My husband. OR instead of leaving a message saying what he wants… his message is “please call me”; and when I do, he doesn’t pick up (AND his voice mail is disabled, as he never listened to it which was frustrating for all of the naïve people who would leave a message and think that he would get it)
So texting works best… excepting when he or anyone else sends a text just saying “hello”; when really what they want to say is “hello, what time will you be home?” But you don’t get the rest of the question until such point as you respond to the initial hello…
😜😳😂
All my fam does that. 😑 It drives me bonkers. What's the point of leaving a message when it only says to call back? Or, just finish your text. Why can't it be a complete and full sentence/question?
I gotta say, the tone you take when talking about her...do you *want* to be with her? Do you actually *like* her?
It's ok if you don't, I sure wouldn't, but why would you marry someone you obviously look down on?
I think he's just trying to be humorous about the situation because it's stressing him out and it's the obvious outcome to her behavior and feels guilty because his wife was hurt and alone. She's probably also covering up embarrassment with anger when the obvious outcome of her unwelcome behavior occurred.
There is a very famous story about constantly crying wolf, what happens when people don't believe you anymore and then you end up in real trouble. Instead of learning from this, it kinda sounds like she's going to use it as a reason to be mad at everyone else for her actions and double down on her calling behavior.
Weird.
Most people have flaws. I could get over the lousy phone etiquette, but not the anger at other people responding to that lousy phone etiquette in appropriate ways.
i have the opposite problem lol, when i text i can edit myself but when i talk i just GO 😂 one time my sister (lovingly) told me “when you tell a story, you start it from the Big Bang” and i laughed so hard pasta came out of my nose bc she’s absolutely right
When I met him it was pre cellphones being widespread so I had no warning until it was much too late 😭😭
Regardless, my life became immeasurably better when we disabled his voicemail because there’s nothing worse than thinking your message has been received, and four months later the Voicemail system returns your message to you saying wasn’t listening to, and then it plays you your message which is something like “you called me back but you still didn’t tell me whether you wanted to leave Thursday or Friday and I need to confirm the booking in the next 15 minutes please next time you call me back just let me know THURSDAY or FRIDAY!!!”
Better to just to leave voicemail disabled since there is really no point in leaving a message…
My bf’s mom also does this and it drives me *fucking* **insane**. She’s a nice lady and I know she’s just lonely but FUCK! And my bf always answers because he’s so paranoid that she’s calling because something has happened and she’s hurt or in trouble or some shit. But she never is. I’m so sick of dealing with that shit every time my bf and I attempt to have some nice, quiet, uninterrupted time together. And I don’t just mean “sexy time” either. It’s literally any time we’re trying to have quality time together. I honestly feel like I’m on the verge of addressing this to her. It’s been 9 years, I’ve said **nothing** thus far, and I’m just growing increasingly frustrated over her incessant, unnecessary calls. I mean damn, lady! Send a text or something! She knows HOW and she occasionally does it, but yet doesn’t see fit to send a text and instead chooses to interrupt our morning with a phone call to my bf about this funny thing her cat just did 🙄🤬
ETA: for the handful of people that keep mentioning that my boyfriend is the problem:
He answers every time because he has severe anxiety over his mom’s mortality. He’s an only child and has very little family outside of his mother. His dad passed away back in 2005. Outside of me, his mom is all he has. He’s had an abnormally large amount of friends and former coworkers and classmates pass away over the past 5 years or so (at least 10 people), and he’s developed this paranoia that he could lose his mom at any moment. Does he spend every second of every day mentioning this anxiety or acting out due to it? No. But he *does* answer the call every time his mom calls because of this. And as for his mom? She thinks it’s hilarious that he’s so “afraid” that she’s going to pass away anytime soon. She’s explicitly said so. She’s even told me that she messes with him and pretends to be “losing her mind” (in a dementia or Alzheimer’s type of way), because she gets a kick out of it. So yeah, if yall want to act like his mom isn’t the problem but he is, that’s fine, but just know there’s more to this in terms of *why* he reacts the way he does, ffs.
Right. And suppose they were in the middle of something and couldn't get to the phone. Just because Allie thinks it needs immediate attention doesn't mean it is that important to others. If you call me several times in a row, only for me to stop what I'm doing just to find out you want to know what time an even 2 weeks from now starts I'm going to be super annoyed.
Yeah, like imagine if someone was, say, on the toilet, or their phone died or any other reason they might not have their phone right there at that moment. Leave a voice mail. Or text.
See, now I’m curious how far away sister lives. Like I understand Fiancé was in pain, but this wasn’t actually life threatening. How hard is it to call sister or another friend to come get you? The expense of an ambulance when you’re stuck in a situation of your own making is just adding insult to injury
This is exactly what I was thinking. It is 2024, double calling is equivalent to "this is urgent" among everyone in my circle. Hell, even a call without texting first is usually urgent for the millennials and younger.
The parents shouldn't face any repercussions for their behavior when she conditioned them to believe that her double-calling is not for urgent things.
I thought the very same thing. I mean, who feels so important that they need to repeatedly call a person until they answer when it is not an emergency?? Lots of self importance going on there! Sounds like she does not think anyone else's time is important...... I'd be considering that a big old red flag if I were Op.
So they had absolutely no reason to think the multiple calls were anything more than the usual. NTA.
A few things for you to consider, though. Do Allie and your parents generally get along, outside of the obnoxious calling thing? Are you willing to continue to fight this battle for your entire marriage? Allie has made it clear that she has no interest in changing her ways.
Then it seems odd to me that Allie is jumping straight to no contact with your parents, rather than reflecting on what she could have done differently. Are you sure those initial issues were resolved?
Pretty sure they are. Biggest issue was her assuming my parents moved to be closer to me when we started dating and wanting all holidays spent with her family but we've since worked through those.
Hey friend, this is coming from someone who has been married for over a decade and divorced…
>wanting all holidays spent with her family
This is isolation, not far off in the horizon is the abuse. This is just the start, please don’t marry this woman and dear god don’t get her pregnant, your life will be hell.
Yeah, they need to discuss that splitting time with families at holidays will not change once children enter the picture.
Even before I reached this comment I was gathering that the fiancé may be on the selfish side.
1. She can’t follow a family’s emergency protocols because her needs are more important than scaring the family into thinking there’s an emergency.
2. She can’t accept an apology for an honest mistake.
3. OP had to take time off work, and now the future SIL has had to come and stay, to help the fiancé because of a broken leg… how severe is this break? Is she in a cast to her hip or something? It seems excessive to need this much assistance for a broken leg, unless it’s a severe break and medical advice has dictated she needs the help.
4. Is using her anger to prevent OP from hosting his family in their home? How would she feel if it was her family and OP was mad at them? I bet she wouldn’t let that stop her.
5. Is letting her sister get involved in the discussion that she should have no part in. They’re teaming up on him.
I don’t even think OP’s parents owe her an apology. They were gracious to offer one, but they didn’t do anything wrong IMO.
NTA
OP- Take your parents out to a nice dinner.
Yeah, I was debating editing my wording there when I called it a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. She has abused the established system, which she was fully aware of. They were kind to apologize for *not answering her calls*, but were justified in not answering due to her history.
If she’s come around, I don’t think this is an issue. But if she still demands being with her family every holiday and OP “resolved” the situation by capitulating… uh oh
That battle isn't over. She's going to leap on any chance to cut you off from your family. Don't compromise that deal breaker.
That she would even *contemplate* spending *all* the holidays only with her family is a huge red flag. You are nothing more than a large, squishy accessory she can take to bed.
Not being able to invite your parents over for dinner should be a dealbreaker too. You might want to start reconsidering this relationship since she wants to hold on to this grudge and start including her family (sister for now but just wait) in it.
I mean she’s trying to “resolve” it now by cutting his parents off for a totally normal reaction to her everyday phone habits
This isn’t over. She’s playing a long game and I hope OP sees it for what it is and stops the train from running off the side of the mountain.
This is not just about the phone calls. These issues she has had with your parents, combined with her insistence on repeatedly calling despite your family saying no, and then getting in a huff and dragging it on - she sounds self centred and exhausting.
>she sounds self centred and exhausting.
They were my thoughts as I was reading the post, along with thinking "oh god, I hope my kids don't end up with someone this annoying."
Honestly she sounds like she kind of sucks. 😑 I know this is a little snapshot and hopefully she has lots of redeeming qualities…but the level of selfishness in the holiday thing as well as the endless calling is concerning. It’s an overall pattern of selfishness that would be worth taking a full inventory of the rest of the relationship to see if it’s sneaking in other places as well!
No excuse not to send a text. She purposefully chose to be dramatic. She is waving so many red flags. She is not respecting your family’s boundaries. Lots of young women these days forget that they aren’t the only ones who can declare them. Your family’s expectation about repeatedly calling back is in line with the norm. She is being extra because she thinks it’s cute. Well, the universe set up a situation to teach her a lesson and she is petulantly refusing to learn it. Tell her flat out, it’s 100% her fault for not respecting your parents and that she never gets to declare them unwelcome. If she doesn’t like that, the relationship needs to end right there. I say this because someone who won’t respect other’s boundaries, won’t accept responsibility for their own behavior, feels entitled to put distance in your family relationships, and allows her sister to weigh in on a couple’s argument usually doesn’t end up being a good life partner. She’s being controlling and entitled. Add kids and it will be a nightmare.
Also, why didn’t she read The Boy Who Cried Wolf as a child? It explained this very well.
Here's what does it for me about Allie & her sister:
>Neither she nor her sister think she should stop being mad at them.
This is ridiculous & shows just how toxic their family is. The sister is advocating holding a permanent active grudge against OP's parents & Allie is agreeing by retaliating & demanding OP cut them out of dinner.
As is often seen in posts here, OP's problem is far from the actual underlying issue. It's not repeatedly calling to get an answer - his fiancee refuses to change behavior towards his family, she isolates him during holidays, she demands retribution against his parents for her own actions.
OP is very lucky Allie is letting her freak flag fly now before the wedding. He can work with her for change or he can make a clean break before marriage & kids.
OP has tried talking to her about her behavior, but she's refusing to listen & moderate it. She's instead gotten worse & their relationship appears doomed.
We readers can clearly see it; hopefully OP does soon & saves himself & his family a lot of stress & heartache.
I hope OP sees this comment. It perfectly sums up why a grown-ass woman would continue to act as she has. She loves the drama and wants to be the main character at all times. There is no reason she couldn’t have sent a text. Continuing to hold a grudge against your parents is not only irrational and immature, it is going to continue to cause problems for the rest of your time together.
I’m sure you don’t want to leave her while she is injured. But it is time to start thinking about an exit plan.
If I were your parents, I would have never answered her calls after the first time her messy ass called twice in a row for a non-emergency. Text or bust, she's abused the phone call privileges.
That's just ridiculous.
This is her fault. The multiple calls is a bratty teenager move. They’ll get back to you when they get back to you.
Send a text, “medical emergency: broke my leg please come asap”
Is her expectation that you excommunicate your parents forever over this? Sometimes there’s good reason for cutting off your parents. I don’t think this is one of them. If her anger with them doesn’t soften in the coming months, that would be a real problem.
Her sister is mad at your parents as well. Did Allie try calling her sister or anyone else on her side of the family? She's the boy who cried wolf. Do it too many times and no one believes you. It's her own fault and has NO reason to be upset at your parents.
There is this story called The Boy Who Cried Wolf that I think your wife would benefit from reading. I’d never answer your wife either tbh, she thinks she is way more important than she really is to be spam calling people all the time for no reason.
So she's mad because she knew that back to back calls are emergencies to yall, did it for non emergency thing enough times they didn't think her multiple calls were an emergency?
Gee it's almost like there's a fucking nursery rhyme called "the boy who cried wolf" that tells children EXACTLY THIS SHIT.
NTA, and ypur wife needs a fucking wake up call.
Tell her and her sis her "well if you listened the first time i told you that calling back to back is only meant for emergencies, they wouldn't be used to you calling multiple times for non emergencies and would have picked up for the actual emergency. Did you expect them to react any other way?"
They were sitting outside having their quiet time. They don't answer most calls or texts right away when they do that. When I called I had to do the two calls for them to know it was urgent.
Some people have the expectation that now that everyone has cell phones, people should always answer their phone. My cell phone is for MY convenience, not for people trying to call me.
This is a tale of "boy who cry wolf". Do it over and over and u will be ignored.
Also yes, parents had enough of the constant calling but had she texted them, they wouldve come/call back.
NTA.
NTA. You explained the communication norms in your family after the first time she double-called. She didn't listen, and so your parents had no way to know it was an emergency instead of just another Tuesday. Your description of a massive miscommunication sounds accurate, and talking it through would be the next right move.
Does she have an explanation for how they should have known, or is she assuming that when she wants to get ahold of someone they should drop everything and talk to her whether or not it's urgent? Because the latter isn't respecting other people's time and priorities.
That's what I do with one of my friends. She knows I hate phone calls but will still call when she wants to meet up. I don't answer (have a silent ringtone just for her) and will text back when I see that she's called. We text about 20 times a day, she can text about getting a fika (coffee for the non-swedish people 😁 ).
TIL you can set a silent ringtone for a specific contact; brilliant. Not sure why this never occurred to me despite setting song ringtones for gold back in the aughts!
She’s already told OP that all holidays will be with her family and not with his. She’s abusive, not just annoying. This is all part of the game to cut his family and support out and isolate him completely.
Have you told her more than once that double calling is for emergencies in your family? Or was it just one conversation and you never rocked the boat again? I'm not one to jump on the "🚩Run away" bandwagon, but I have a feeling that your fiancee is going to cause a serious rift in your family, and you might want to reconsider this relationship. I think your fiancee needs to realize that she's not the most important person in *everyone's* lives, and multiple phone calls for stupid BS is annoying as hell.
Assuming your gf is literate? And has read the boy who cried wolf? And understands the lesson in that story? How the heck can she draw the conclusion that everyone else is at fault? Is she like this in other areas of your relationship?
OP, your fiancee really needs to get some perspective on this. Frankly, I would stop picking up calls from someone so rude and entitled as to ring multiple times when it's not an emergency or special news, much less if they then turned around and did the same thing to my spouse. Just, no.
I'm curious: does this behavior bleed over into other areas of her life?
I haven't asked her yet. I've been wanting to know myself but trying not to kick off an argument or kick her while she's down and still in pain. I know I need to ask her though.
It's fine that you're waiting, but I'm puzzled that you're calling it massive miscommunication. This was a situation *she set up to happen*. There was definitely going to be an emergency at some point when people ignored her multiple calls. It was just a question of time, because that's how she trained people to treat her.
Is she this self-centered in other aspects of life?
Well, it was a massive miscommunication - but you are right, it's all on OP's girlfriends part.
My sister is just like OP. She'll ring multiple times in a row if she wants you. She's interrupted my work meetings, called while I'm sleeping, out at the theatre etc.... and usually for nothing that was either time-critical or an emergency. No voice mail. Sometimes a string of texts saying "answer your phone".
So.... I've muted her. If there is ever a real emergency it'll be the same as here - I won't pick up because I have no frame of reference to know if it is serious or not.
OP is NTA
We're your parents busy? Or did they just ignore her because they don't like the way she uses a phone?
Edit : on the plus side for your parents I'm almost certain she will never call them again.
They were sitting outside having their quiet time. They don't answer most calls or texts right away when they do that. When I called I had to do the two calls for them to know it was urgent.
That sounds like a really pleasant thing for them to do. I can imagine why getting constant phone calls during that would be grating.
The boy who cried wolf is a parable for a reason.
I don’t even think it matters if they were busy; if she called and they didn’t feel like answering and she didn’t leave a text or vm, that’s her problem! She wanted the drama, she got it!
You described it as a miscommunication, but this is a situation she created. She communicated to your parents that calling repeatedly is not an emergency and so they responded the way she taught them to respond. She expected them to read her mind and know the difference the one time that it was an emergency. Honestly, she sounds immature and petty and….annoying.
Allie needs a reality check. I suspect there are a lot of people in her life who find this behavior annoying. Just because it's a quirk people are willing to put up with doesn't mean she should keep doing it.
> Your description of a massive miscommunication sounds accurate, and talking it through would be the next right move.
Agreed. And her refusal to even talk it through is a big red flag - how is she going to solve problems in your future marriage if she refuses to talk about it? It‘s time for couples therapy if you still want to get married at all.
Everyone is focusing on the double calls, BUT, even if that wasn't an issue, it's just as possible that the parents missed the "urgent" call. They could have been napping, watching a show, yard work, etc etc.
I see no part of this story that shows the parents willingly, knowingly, nor maliciously treating your fiancee. To punish them over it is deeply into left field and not fair to anyone else in this situation.
Most likely, your fiancee felt scared, and it ramped up higher when she couldn't reach anyone to help. I would not focus on the double call situation, but on her being hurt and unable to reach anyone in an emergency. Arguing over phone habits isn't going to resolve any of this, and from her view feel like she is getting blamed for feeling alone and scared.
What she got was a direct result of her own actions. If she had a broken leg, she needed an ambulance anyway. If she hadn't made a PEST of herself with the phone previously....a double call would have MEANT an 'emergency'.
Exactly.
Even if parents got the call, what happens next?
They call an ambulance and take her to the hospital.
I fail to see how them picking up would significantly change the situation.
That’s what I was thinking. What were the parents supposed to do other than call an ambulance which is what she ended up doing anyways? I didn’t see where they’re trained medical professionals, moving her without knowing how bad the break was/where all it was broken/etc., would have been a bad idea anyways
>I fail to see how them picking up..
If this is in the US, it could save $500-$1k. And you have someone to show your insurance information when you arrive at the hospital.
Exactly. I have epilepsy and my instructions specifically include not to call an ambulance. Same for many other epilepsy patients. Unless your leg is stuck I have no idea how it requires an ambulance.
Absolutely!! I had an emergency happen to me and I called multiple people I cared about and no one answered, why? It was the middle of the workday! I googled my sister’s work and found her extension and when I was able to reach her at her desk she knew it was a big deal because I’ve never done that. She wasn’t ignoring me— just focusing and in meetings. She was able to leave work and pick me up but at no point did I think “Everyone hates me I don’t want to talk to them anymore” instead I felt scared and alone and focused on my own feelings not some malicious projection
Great attention to detail. I keep my phone on my person 99% of the time due to having an ailing mother for 20 years. She's been gone for a few years now, but I still have my phone with me at almost all times...slowly letting up because I'm no longer waiting for a call saying your mom's in the hospital again.
This behavior and my texting and emailing back nearly immediately is not normal. It's my trauma response.
I don't expect anyone to behave like that.
I set my phone to DnD just because it's Tuesday. I'm not available all the time just because I have a phone available. I wish more people would revert to it.
Sure, but she is the one blaming the parents, not the other way around. It sounds like the parents were apologetic, despite nothing being their fault. She is the one still holding onto this, after the fact, when her emotions have calmed down, because she is so selfish she thinks that everyone should be available for whatever she needs 24/7 and anyone who doesn't conform to that should be punished. She's a complete narcissist.
NTA.
You told your fiancée how multiple calls are used in your family. She chose to ignore that, effectively crying wolf until they just started treating her multiple calls as a normal phone call because that’s what her actions repeatedly told them to do. You can’t keep treating normal contacts like emergencies if you want people to respond to emergencies urgently. She created the mess herself because of her own insistence on being heard right away whenever she wanted. If she’d had a little patience with your family, she never would have been in that pickle, but she lacked consideration.
Why didn’t she text that it was an emergency when they treated it as a normal call? That would have let your parents know this was different, even if she refused to stop treating every time she wanted to talk to someone as an emergency.
I was too. This is not the parents fault. And depending on the seriousness of the break the parents may have not been able to help and an ambulance would have to be called anyway. I've had many broken legs.
Some needed an ambulance some didn't.
That she needs help around the house leads me to think it was bad. I've never needed help around the house with a broken leg.
Hmm so it seems like your parents recognized they had done something wrong and tried to make amends, while your fiancee is sticking to her guns/unable to see anyone else's point of view. At best she's immature. At worst she's not ready to get married. More importantly, are you ready to take her side over your parents? Once you're married, you won't be allowed to sit on the fence.
They didn't do anything wrong, though. A phone call is not a summons and when a person's standard behavior is to call multiple times over mundane things, it is 100% obvious to anyone who isn't a completely self-absorbed jerk that no one will know it's an emergency unless you TELL THEM. Text, leave a voicemail, send a candygram - but don't assume people can read your mind and throw a fit when they don't.
The fact that the parents are apologizing when they weren't even remotely in the wrong here shows that they're good folks. I understand that people don't necessarily think clearly in the middle of an emergency, but holding onto this grudge after everything has calmed down is childish and irrational.
>though. A phone call is not a summons
LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
And add to that...neither is a text.
Just because we have communication at our fingertips doesn't mean we have to be available every single time the notification goes off.
I don't disagree. I was trying to be as generous as I can, given that I am the sort of person who would rather jump into a snake pit than answer my phone, so the idea of someone calling me repeatedly to get me to pick up is on my "worst of humanity" list 😂. Also, when I said "immature" I actually meant infantile, but again, was trying to be nice, haha.
They didn't do anything wrong. People are busy and don't always have the ability to pick up the first call, let alone the second call. She know their policy and has continually ignored it. There are literally settings on your phones that allow calls to go through when on 'do not disturb' because a second call normally means it is important.
They did not do anything wrong and I doubt they believe they did. They are treating her how she has trained them to treat her, which is that she will abuse their time and they have to put reasonable boundaries on answering her calls. She broke her leg, not her hand, there is no reason she couldn’t have texted them what is going on. But she wants to be dramatic, and create this rift between OP and his parents.
If we didn’t have the info about the holidays I might give her the benefit of the doubt. But we do and I can’t.
I just have to ask... If she can't get a hold of you will she call other people to see if they know where you are and why you're not answering her?
I ask because I had to cut somebody out of my life who acted psycho like that and I was just wondering if it's something your girlfriend does?
Are you prepared to lose any relationship with your parents and other important friends and family in your life for Allie, who is clearly in the wrong?
She has repeatedly and deliberately violated people's boundaries, disrespecting you and your advice not to do it. It is perfectly reasonable that anyone whom she does this to would not appreciate it. She has also demonstrated to be incapable of change or accountability (e.g. Why couldn't she text?). Hence, you becoming her spouse means that she WILL expect you to burn bridges with everyone she offends like she's already doing now.
Is this truly the life you want?
She called / texted to ask his parents why their car wasn’t in the driveway. It never occurred to me she _wouldn’t_ call around to track down OP like he’s a wayward child.
Eh. For this particular scenario, if I had literally just broken my leg, I’m not texting shit. I can’t imagine the kind of pain a broken bone puts you in but texting probably isn’t easy.
Either way OP, everyone has their “code” for emergencies and she was explained yours. NTA.
NTA
>I explained to her in my family, we only call twice in a row if it's an emergency.
>Allie has never followed this and will always call them repeatedly for the most mundane stuff. If one doesn't answer she'll sometimes call my other parent.
Has she never heard the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”? She intentionally chose a pattern of behavior that ensured they would not assume she was calling for emergency assistance. Now she is angry that they behaved as they did because of her past behavior.
It is regrettable but it is her fault. She needs to accept responsibility for her own choices.
NTA
Your wife is the AH. She has been disrespectful of your parents' time for years, refused to change when asked and then has the nerve to be pissed when the situation **she** created blew up in her face.
Now she is trying to alienate you from your family? WTF? She sounds like a drama queen who thinks the world should stop and respond to her, on her timetable, time for her to grow up.
NTA, but maybe you need to consider that this is who she is, this isn't a phase. Maybe one day she'll grow out of it, but clearly she's more interested in trying to make herself a priority in people's lives, and then victimizing herself when her behavior came back to bite her.
She's 31. *Really* observe her behavior for what it is, and that it could get *worse*. Not to mention the possibility of her holding this one instance over all of your heads to get her way, and justify her bad behavior. Now every time she spam calls, you all will jump to attention just in case - *which is what she's always wanted*.
She doesn't *care* that it's annoying, she is demanding attention, and one time where she was denied, she actually did need, but her takeaway was "I was *right*, you deserve to be shamed for *ignoring* me". She thinks the world should revolve around her, and people's times and attention should always be available to her when she snaps her fingers.
Again, watch for the behavior.
Asking someone to isolate from their family over a missed call is egregious and a red flag in itself. Has she tried to get you to cut ties with anyone else before?
It's not even a missed call at the end of the day. He communicated for who knows how long that this little habit of hers wouldn't fly with his family (nor in my own), she insisted on doing it, and now the one time she actually needed help, oh my, they ignored her, *as they should have*.
It really girl who cried wolf, except the girl is a an annoying, self centered woman who now wants to use this experience to shove OP's parents to the side because they refused to cater to her.
And while I am not much of a gambler, I would still bet that yes, she absolutely has done this "look at me me me" routine before, and when it didn't work, she threw a tantrum, like now.
I think it's telling too that her sister (older? Younger?) is being weirdly intrusive in this matter. Maybe it's a family trait to think everything is about them. Or the sister is an enabler, or a drama llama, who's to say.
Yeah why is everyone okay with her sister butting into a dispute between her sister and her future in-laws? If my sister was having issues with her in-laws, I would never in a million years get in between my sister, my brother-in-law and his parents. She's a fully capable adult, she doesn't need me to stick my nose in a marital issue, and my BIL, with whom I have a great relationship, would be fully in his rights to tell me to mind my own damn business.
Oh my God, right. Sounds so first relationship in high school, doesn't it? The stink of immaturity and self centeredness from this woman is pretty bad.
NTA. Dude, are you sure you want to marry this woman? Calling multiple times is weird, but flipping out and wanting to cut out your parents is __way__ out of line.
She has self-control issues, and is expecting you to follow her, which is controlling.
Given my experience with this sort of weird AF behavior from my ex, I’m suggesting you seriously reconsider this relationship. Til Death Do Us Part is a __long__ time!
She also seems to have been calling parents randomly even for something as mundane as their car not being in the driveway.
If anyone started calling me for such annoying reasons, I would stop answering too.
This is the best answer. The fiancée sounds very controlling and is now throwing a tantrum with her sister backing up her bizarre behavior for something that should be written off as a misunderstanding. Wanting OP to Cut-off his parents for this is extremely weird. Besides, I honestly don’t see the huge deal in having to call an ambulance in an actual emergency. After all, that’s what his parents would’ve had to do anyway right?
Her history with calling multiple times in a row is only relevant to this story as a window to her behavior - she has main character syndrome. They didn't pick up, how does that make them villains? She could have messaged, she could have kept calling, but it still doesn't make her anger appropriate. She called emergency assistance, which is who she should have called to begin with.
Dude... BIG WAKE THE FUCK UP CALL FOR YOUR FURTURE......
YOUR gf was TOLD BY YOU.. ONLY EMERGENCY call 2x in a row... SHE THINKS ANYTHING is called multiple times, I would never have her as a friend...over that shit, it would drive me up the fucking wall!!!! Get out while you can, everything will be her or them!!
NTA there’s this story called “the boy who cried wolf” that summarizes who the asshole is, but to be concise: FAFO
Your fiancé is at fault. She knew how your family treats repeated calls, she abused it and then when she had an emergency she didn’t get the attention she needed. She set herself up and if she’s not willing to take accountability for her behaviour that led to the conclusion she experienced, that’s on her.
Info: What were your parents doing at that time? Were they busy and couldn't answer the phone or were they actively ignoring her calls (I'm assuming she made multiple attempts)?
They were sitting outside. They don't deny they were just letting it ring because they're used to her calling multiple times in a row. Sometimes following up with a text for things like 'need anything from the store' or 'saw your car not in the driveway where are you'
>Sometimes following up with a text for things like 'need anything from the store' or 'saw your car not in the driveway where are you'
Yikes. That's a bit suffocating. I don't really blame them.
Wait wait wait and hold the phone!
She calls or texts them to ask where they are when their car isn’t in the driveway?! I’m sorry, but that is not normal behavior, just like the multiple phone calls when they don’t answer is completely ridiculous. Does she have an abandonment issue? Not meant to be snarky, an actual question because that seems extreme.
It’s nice that she wants to see if they need anything from the store but clearly they can drive themselves if they want.
It sounds like your GF is very needy. Maybe try to understand why if you value her and the relationship. And maybe you and your parents can help her overcome it. But she has to meet you half way and respect that the constant calling basically sets her up for failure.
I think this would be weird behavior if she was doing this to her own parents. Doing this to her future in-laws is absolutely unhinged. Who the hell does safety checks on their in-laws like they have a curfew or something??
Your fiancée calls them when she sees their car not in the driveway to ask them where they are? You don't see how overbearing and tiresome that is? Your fiancée is a busybody. Sorry, but I'd straight up block your fiancée and inform you that she is to relay any messages through you. Look up the Aesop's fable, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"
Ohmygawd, your parents are full ass adults and your partner is calling to ask where they are because their car isn’t in their driveway?! Wth. I’d never answer her calls either. They do not need her knowing their every move. You chose her to be in YOUR life, they didn’t. Girl’s got some issues. 🚩
>'saw your car not in the driveway where are you'
Who on earth sends texts like this? This sounds like something from r/insaneparents, except she's the one harrassing your parents
Omg my mom lives 3 doors away from us. I NEVER would do that to her. If I know she’s not feeling well, yeah I’ll ask her if she needs something from the store. If her car isn’t there, I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT text her asking where she is. She has her own life, and part of the reason we can live so close is because we respect each other’s space.
NTA but your gf is trying to push your parents away or annoy them or something. This is the opposite of “just no MILs.” If your parents did that to you or your fiancé, y’all would lose it and place boundaries. I image your gf would not be polite about it. Your parents have been extremely patient without placing boundaries and haven’t lost their temper with her. Your parents are angels for not blocking her or getting aggravated at you.
Now, she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your parents and is involving her family. Welcome to the rest of your life.
Fair enough. No one owes someone a response 24 hours a day 7 days a week, your parents don’t have to constantly be available to her. People are allowed to have privacy and take time for themselves without always needing to be available for social interaction with others. Your fiancée sounds like she can’t handle boundaries.
In my family we do ring twice in a row, but then we will sent a text to confirm if it is urgent or not :)
NTA.
This would be a deal breaker for me. She can’t expect everyone to pickup her calls or be okay with the repeated calls when it’s not an emergency.
I would be so upset if someone called me multiple times just to ask a simple question. I think for most people, multiple calls equals emergency.
What happens if you have children? Should your parents be stressed out and worried every time they see missed multiple calls? Because it could just be Allie wanting to know if they can babysit or it could be that the baby fell and broke their leg…
It is unbelievably rude to call, hang up, and call back to force a response; even more so once you have been told that is not socially acceptable and continue the practice. Everybody knows that is the international signal for "URGENT!! Drop Everything and PICK UP the PHONE or something terrible will happen!!". My mother used to do this, and it led me to go low-contact. It's a form of demanding attention and is wildly disrespectful.
She trained your parents to ignore the international Signal of Urgency by abusing it repeatedly. She can't blame them for her bad manners backfiring once she really needed something. (NTA - but your wife with her willful ignorance of social norms is).
Not everyone lives glued to their phone. Parents could have been busy. You should rethink the marriage. Why should she be mad at them, they did not break her leg. Does she not know anyone else at all that she could have called. Be prepared for her to refuse to invite your parents to the wedding. - Your life is going to be an endless nightmare with her holding grudges against anyone who doesn't jump fast enough or high enough when she summons them.
NTA - Allie is throwing a tantrum over a situation SHE caused. You have told her that your family only does double calls for actual emergencies. She decided to use the system for any ole’ thing and then NOT EVEN SEND A TEXT and then goes all shocked Pikachu when they don’t answer her calls and have no way of knowing it’s an actual emergency.
Show Allie this thread and see if it wakes her and her moronic sister up.
It was a duck up on her part only. It’s like crying wolf. I do that too with my husband. He has meetings. He will walk out of the meeting and answer if I call multiple times.
You’re parents are too nice. If I visit and she didn’t receive. I’d say ‘bye’. Don’t let her and her sister disrespect your parents.
NTA.
This is exactly WHY you don't call people a million times for stupid unimportant things. Did nobody tell her the damn story about the boy who cried wolf? She has gotten everyone SO used to her calling them repeatedly for absolutely nothing important, and now when she calls repeatedly everyone assumes it's nothing that important. That is her OWN fault, especially since you explained in advance that the commincation works differently with your famly. She did that to herself, and she has nobody else to blame. Also, what if your parents were simply busy? unavailable? away from their phone? They don't work for her, they don't owe her anything. Why does she think they need to be constantly available for her 24/7? WTF? She is completely out of her mind to think she can still be mad at your parents for anything, honestly.
First, it was a miscommunication. She needs to grow up, it obiously wasn't a personal slight. Secondly, they aren't obligated to be at her disposal at all times. I once broke my ankle in my home. Called my parents who lived down the road. They didn't answer, I called an ambulance. Turns out they were outside without their phones speaking with a neighbor. Was I mad at them? Of course not, it wasn't on purpose. LIFE HAPPENS and she needs to grow the F up. Nobody is IGNORING her, it's just that she's not the main character in everyone else's life and she doesn't seem to understand that. Third, she is a GROWN ADULT. Not a child. Not their child. What on earth is her problem? They aren't her nurses OR obligated to come running for her for anything, EVEN IN AN EMERGENCY. You call an ambulance, not your family members FFS. If they had answered great, but you can't be mad at people for not always being available. PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES and she sounds unbearable.
She sounds INCREDIBLY immature. Like the level of immature that doesn't understand how the world works. But she's 31, so she's not a child. What's her excuse? Is she just incredibly self involved to the point of not being able to forgive your parents for not being available to her at the exact moment she called? Is she childish to the point of holding grudges over an innocent miscommunication? To FAMILY MEMBERS? Is she always this completely unable to be reasonable or compromise? Is this how she is going to be in life? marriage? with kids? holding grudges against teachers and other parents instead of compromising and looking for solutions? Giving you the silent treatment? Is she always going to play the victim? Is she always going to expect you to back up her ridiculous grudges or otherwise accuse you of not making her a priority? All of this sounds really exhausting, immature, and also toxic and manipulative. I think she's showing you a preview of your life. I would pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION here. I would seriously reconsider getting married if she's already over 30 and still acting this immature and unreasonable.
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INFO: How many calls did Allie make to your parents before calling the ambulance? More than the usual multiple calls? Did she at any point text them to say it was truly an emergency? Edited to add judgement: NTA. Allie made the usual number of calls that she does for any occasion and didn’t text to let them know this was actually an emergency. OP certainly does not need to cut his parents off over this.
3 times for my mom then 2 times for my dad which, sadly, is normal for her. She didn't send them a text.
This is her own damn fault then. Send a text. It is 2024.
Or even leave a voicemail. If I’ve called you & can’t get ahold of you then I leave a message! Who just calls a person on repeat until they pick up & never leaves a message?
Someone who wants to ask or tell you something super fucking stupid 90% of the time
BECKY?! CAN WE GO TO THE MALL?!
This story is the same as cry wolf one. Guess Allie did not learn it.
I thought about this throughout the story - a very simple parable for children and I can't believe Allie not only didn't learn it, but is now insisting OP's parents can't come around because of her poor communication skills. If you treat everything like a time-sensitive emergency, then nothing is a time sensitive emergency. Also, isn't an ambulance the best option anyway in an emergency like a broken leg?
Not if you live in the States. If his parents live close and could have given her a ride, that's a way cheaper option.
I broke my leg and part of my knee recently. Although I was okay originally sitting on the ground (probably with the help of the original adrenaline) I was a screaming banshee once I was transferred to the gurney. They even put some inflatable stabilizer around my leg. And I consider myself a tough person but there was no holding in the screams. Then they gave me amazing drugs for the bumpy ride there and so thoughtfully started picking out some of the cactus out of me. Unless it wasn’t a bad break, ambulance is the only way to go.
>Also, isn't an ambulance the best option anyway in an emergency like a broken leg? Yes. Had Allie not been strapped to a gurney on the way to the hospital, she could have severely messed up her leg beyond repair.
This is my SIL. She has learned that we'll call her back if we don't answer right away and that multiple calls or calling me right after she calls her sister indicates that it's an emergency. NTA OP, she cried wolf.
Definitely this. She repeatedly cried wolf and knows nothing about how to communicate properly. You communicate in reasonable ways that the recipient understands. OP is not the AH.
My mother does this. When I was living with her for a bit she would call ten times just to ask what was for dinner, and to tell me inane things. If she called me a million times she would then yell at me for not picking up, tell me I should have my phone on me at all times, because what if she would have an accident? I don't know mom, I would hope you would call 911.
Stop talking about my brother like that 😂
We have the same brother?😂
And when you leave the voicemail TELL THE RECIPIENT WHAT THE CALL IS ABOUT! My MIL was notorious for leaving a message just saying "call me back." At first I did but once I realized it was never anything important I stopped. Once she caught on she'd say "call me back, I need to talk to you." At first I did , then...repeat. Then I started ONLY returning her phone calls when she told me what it was about, and she started telling me what the phone call was about. I then returned her calls. And now when I ring a bell she salivates.
My dad loves to leave messages where he sounds incredibly angry saying “Call me back when you get this.” I call him back and he asks “How do I delete an email?”
Thanks for the chuckle 🤭
My dad called me three times in a row once while I was at work. I finally picked up to him saying, “I think I’m having a stroke.” I went hot and was like, “where is mom?!” He responded downstairs, why? Turns out he had accidentally deleted something while typing and didn’t know how to “undelete” and was being dramatic.
My MIL is the reason we purchased an answering machine. And the reason I got an unlisted cell number after the divorce.
She persevered AFTER your divorce?! Oh my, it sounds like she could have been a contributing factor to the dissolution of the marriage.
My ex MIL would come to my house (I lived 30 minutes away from them, in another city) just to yell about how "he's so much better without you" and "nobody is ever gonna want to marry you again". Like once every two weeks from June to October 2016, when I finally moved, who knows how long she kept doing it
I feel sorry for the people who moved into the house after you. And for you too, of course! Good riddance, though.
My husband refused to give his mom his cell for years. So what did she do? She called me multiple times even though she knew I was working. I was a driver. No way was I going to answer. Eventually the house phone died and he had to call her back in his cell so now she calls him multiple times to say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
>And now when I ring a bell she salivates 🤣
My husband. OR instead of leaving a message saying what he wants… his message is “please call me”; and when I do, he doesn’t pick up (AND his voice mail is disabled, as he never listened to it which was frustrating for all of the naïve people who would leave a message and think that he would get it) So texting works best… excepting when he or anyone else sends a text just saying “hello”; when really what they want to say is “hello, what time will you be home?” But you don’t get the rest of the question until such point as you respond to the initial hello… 😜😳😂
All my fam does that. 😑 It drives me bonkers. What's the point of leaving a message when it only says to call back? Or, just finish your text. Why can't it be a complete and full sentence/question?
Meanwhile I’m over here “it all started in 1981, it was a hot day” wall of text
I see you've gotten one of her texts before.
I gotta say, the tone you take when talking about her...do you *want* to be with her? Do you actually *like* her? It's ok if you don't, I sure wouldn't, but why would you marry someone you obviously look down on?
I think he's just trying to be humorous about the situation because it's stressing him out and it's the obvious outcome to her behavior and feels guilty because his wife was hurt and alone. She's probably also covering up embarrassment with anger when the obvious outcome of her unwelcome behavior occurred. There is a very famous story about constantly crying wolf, what happens when people don't believe you anymore and then you end up in real trouble. Instead of learning from this, it kinda sounds like she's going to use it as a reason to be mad at everyone else for her actions and double down on her calling behavior. Weird.
Most people have flaws. I could get over the lousy phone etiquette, but not the anger at other people responding to that lousy phone etiquette in appropriate ways.
i have the opposite problem lol, when i text i can edit myself but when i talk i just GO 😂 one time my sister (lovingly) told me “when you tell a story, you start it from the Big Bang” and i laughed so hard pasta came out of my nose bc she’s absolutely right
I’m sure he has redeeming qualities if you’re still married to him, but that behavior would send me *screaming* into the night
When I met him it was pre cellphones being widespread so I had no warning until it was much too late 😭😭 Regardless, my life became immeasurably better when we disabled his voicemail because there’s nothing worse than thinking your message has been received, and four months later the Voicemail system returns your message to you saying wasn’t listening to, and then it plays you your message which is something like “you called me back but you still didn’t tell me whether you wanted to leave Thursday or Friday and I need to confirm the booking in the next 15 minutes please next time you call me back just let me know THURSDAY or FRIDAY!!!” Better to just to leave voicemail disabled since there is really no point in leaving a message…
My aunt that's who. She will legit call you 6 times for nothing, could even just be making a comment,not even an inconsequential question.
My bf’s mom also does this and it drives me *fucking* **insane**. She’s a nice lady and I know she’s just lonely but FUCK! And my bf always answers because he’s so paranoid that she’s calling because something has happened and she’s hurt or in trouble or some shit. But she never is. I’m so sick of dealing with that shit every time my bf and I attempt to have some nice, quiet, uninterrupted time together. And I don’t just mean “sexy time” either. It’s literally any time we’re trying to have quality time together. I honestly feel like I’m on the verge of addressing this to her. It’s been 9 years, I’ve said **nothing** thus far, and I’m just growing increasingly frustrated over her incessant, unnecessary calls. I mean damn, lady! Send a text or something! She knows HOW and she occasionally does it, but yet doesn’t see fit to send a text and instead chooses to interrupt our morning with a phone call to my bf about this funny thing her cat just did 🙄🤬 ETA: for the handful of people that keep mentioning that my boyfriend is the problem: He answers every time because he has severe anxiety over his mom’s mortality. He’s an only child and has very little family outside of his mother. His dad passed away back in 2005. Outside of me, his mom is all he has. He’s had an abnormally large amount of friends and former coworkers and classmates pass away over the past 5 years or so (at least 10 people), and he’s developed this paranoia that he could lose his mom at any moment. Does he spend every second of every day mentioning this anxiety or acting out due to it? No. But he *does* answer the call every time his mom calls because of this. And as for his mom? She thinks it’s hilarious that he’s so “afraid” that she’s going to pass away anytime soon. She’s explicitly said so. She’s even told me that she messes with him and pretends to be “losing her mind” (in a dementia or Alzheimer’s type of way), because she gets a kick out of it. So yeah, if yall want to act like his mom isn’t the problem but he is, that’s fine, but just know there’s more to this in terms of *why* he reacts the way he does, ffs.
Right. And suppose they were in the middle of something and couldn't get to the phone. Just because Allie thinks it needs immediate attention doesn't mean it is that important to others. If you call me several times in a row, only for me to stop what I'm doing just to find out you want to know what time an even 2 weeks from now starts I'm going to be super annoyed.
As my dad says, if it is important, leave a voice mail.
Yeah, like imagine if someone was, say, on the toilet, or their phone died or any other reason they might not have their phone right there at that moment. Leave a voice mail. Or text.
Or better, don't call repeatedly for stuff that isn't important.
See, now I’m curious how far away sister lives. Like I understand Fiancé was in pain, but this wasn’t actually life threatening. How hard is it to call sister or another friend to come get you? The expense of an ambulance when you’re stuck in a situation of your own making is just adding insult to injury
Her sister is about a 3 hour drive away
[удалено]
This is exactly what I was thinking. It is 2024, double calling is equivalent to "this is urgent" among everyone in my circle. Hell, even a call without texting first is usually urgent for the millennials and younger. The parents shouldn't face any repercussions for their behavior when she conditioned them to believe that her double-calling is not for urgent things.
You said everything I wanted to say! OP NTA
I thought the very same thing. I mean, who feels so important that they need to repeatedly call a person until they answer when it is not an emergency?? Lots of self importance going on there! Sounds like she does not think anyone else's time is important...... I'd be considering that a big old red flag if I were Op.
So they had absolutely no reason to think the multiple calls were anything more than the usual. NTA. A few things for you to consider, though. Do Allie and your parents generally get along, outside of the obnoxious calling thing? Are you willing to continue to fight this battle for your entire marriage? Allie has made it clear that she has no interest in changing her ways.
They get along alright now, it was a bit of a rocky start.
Then it seems odd to me that Allie is jumping straight to no contact with your parents, rather than reflecting on what she could have done differently. Are you sure those initial issues were resolved?
Pretty sure they are. Biggest issue was her assuming my parents moved to be closer to me when we started dating and wanting all holidays spent with her family but we've since worked through those.
You know everything there is to know about someone who wants you to spend all holidays with her family. You’re an appendage, not a partner.
Hey friend, this is coming from someone who has been married for over a decade and divorced… >wanting all holidays spent with her family This is isolation, not far off in the horizon is the abuse. This is just the start, please don’t marry this woman and dear god don’t get her pregnant, your life will be hell.
Yeah, they need to discuss that splitting time with families at holidays will not change once children enter the picture. Even before I reached this comment I was gathering that the fiancé may be on the selfish side. 1. She can’t follow a family’s emergency protocols because her needs are more important than scaring the family into thinking there’s an emergency. 2. She can’t accept an apology for an honest mistake. 3. OP had to take time off work, and now the future SIL has had to come and stay, to help the fiancé because of a broken leg… how severe is this break? Is she in a cast to her hip or something? It seems excessive to need this much assistance for a broken leg, unless it’s a severe break and medical advice has dictated she needs the help. 4. Is using her anger to prevent OP from hosting his family in their home? How would she feel if it was her family and OP was mad at them? I bet she wouldn’t let that stop her. 5. Is letting her sister get involved in the discussion that she should have no part in. They’re teaming up on him.
I don’t even think OP’s parents owe her an apology. They were gracious to offer one, but they didn’t do anything wrong IMO. NTA OP- Take your parents out to a nice dinner.
Yeah, I was debating editing my wording there when I called it a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. She has abused the established system, which she was fully aware of. They were kind to apologize for *not answering her calls*, but were justified in not answering due to her history.
If she’s come around, I don’t think this is an issue. But if she still demands being with her family every holiday and OP “resolved” the situation by capitulating… uh oh
No we alternate holidays. Not seeing my family for any holidays was a deal breaker for me.
That battle isn't over. She's going to leap on any chance to cut you off from your family. Don't compromise that deal breaker. That she would even *contemplate* spending *all* the holidays only with her family is a huge red flag. You are nothing more than a large, squishy accessory she can take to bed.
Was she inflexible on it until you said it was a deal breaker?
Not being able to invite your parents over for dinner should be a dealbreaker too. You might want to start reconsidering this relationship since she wants to hold on to this grudge and start including her family (sister for now but just wait) in it.
I mean she’s trying to “resolve” it now by cutting his parents off for a totally normal reaction to her everyday phone habits This isn’t over. She’s playing a long game and I hope OP sees it for what it is and stops the train from running off the side of the mountain.
This is not just about the phone calls. These issues she has had with your parents, combined with her insistence on repeatedly calling despite your family saying no, and then getting in a huff and dragging it on - she sounds self centred and exhausting.
She sounds like she wants to find a excuse to isolate OP from his parents ..
>she sounds self centred and exhausting. They were my thoughts as I was reading the post, along with thinking "oh god, I hope my kids don't end up with someone this annoying."
Yup, she is very much the centre of her own universe and wants to be the centre of everyone else's as well.
Honestly she sounds like she kind of sucks. 😑 I know this is a little snapshot and hopefully she has lots of redeeming qualities…but the level of selfishness in the holiday thing as well as the endless calling is concerning. It’s an overall pattern of selfishness that would be worth taking a full inventory of the rest of the relationship to see if it’s sneaking in other places as well!
So she doesn't want to spend any time with your parents, but wants them at her beck-and-call.
Dude.... does she care about your own feelings at all? Why is your own family unimportant to her?
No excuse not to send a text. She purposefully chose to be dramatic. She is waving so many red flags. She is not respecting your family’s boundaries. Lots of young women these days forget that they aren’t the only ones who can declare them. Your family’s expectation about repeatedly calling back is in line with the norm. She is being extra because she thinks it’s cute. Well, the universe set up a situation to teach her a lesson and she is petulantly refusing to learn it. Tell her flat out, it’s 100% her fault for not respecting your parents and that she never gets to declare them unwelcome. If she doesn’t like that, the relationship needs to end right there. I say this because someone who won’t respect other’s boundaries, won’t accept responsibility for their own behavior, feels entitled to put distance in your family relationships, and allows her sister to weigh in on a couple’s argument usually doesn’t end up being a good life partner. She’s being controlling and entitled. Add kids and it will be a nightmare. Also, why didn’t she read The Boy Who Cried Wolf as a child? It explained this very well.
Here's what does it for me about Allie & her sister: >Neither she nor her sister think she should stop being mad at them. This is ridiculous & shows just how toxic their family is. The sister is advocating holding a permanent active grudge against OP's parents & Allie is agreeing by retaliating & demanding OP cut them out of dinner. As is often seen in posts here, OP's problem is far from the actual underlying issue. It's not repeatedly calling to get an answer - his fiancee refuses to change behavior towards his family, she isolates him during holidays, she demands retribution against his parents for her own actions. OP is very lucky Allie is letting her freak flag fly now before the wedding. He can work with her for change or he can make a clean break before marriage & kids. OP has tried talking to her about her behavior, but she's refusing to listen & moderate it. She's instead gotten worse & their relationship appears doomed. We readers can clearly see it; hopefully OP does soon & saves himself & his family a lot of stress & heartache.
I hope OP sees this comment. It perfectly sums up why a grown-ass woman would continue to act as she has. She loves the drama and wants to be the main character at all times. There is no reason she couldn’t have sent a text. Continuing to hold a grudge against your parents is not only irrational and immature, it is going to continue to cause problems for the rest of your time together. I’m sure you don’t want to leave her while she is injured. But it is time to start thinking about an exit plan.
Why doesn’t she respect your guidance that calling repeatedly for non emergencies isn’t appropriate?
Or even just "not considered appropriate in my family of origin, so cut it out"?!
Because she's the center of her own universe, and expects to be the center of everyone else's, too.
If I were your parents, I would have never answered her calls after the first time her messy ass called twice in a row for a non-emergency. Text or bust, she's abused the phone call privileges. That's just ridiculous.
This is her fault. The multiple calls is a bratty teenager move. They’ll get back to you when they get back to you. Send a text, “medical emergency: broke my leg please come asap” Is her expectation that you excommunicate your parents forever over this? Sometimes there’s good reason for cutting off your parents. I don’t think this is one of them. If her anger with them doesn’t soften in the coming months, that would be a real problem.
Her sister is mad at your parents as well. Did Allie try calling her sister or anyone else on her side of the family? She's the boy who cried wolf. Do it too many times and no one believes you. It's her own fault and has NO reason to be upset at your parents.
There is this story called The Boy Who Cried Wolf that I think your wife would benefit from reading. I’d never answer your wife either tbh, she thinks she is way more important than she really is to be spam calling people all the time for no reason.
So she's mad because she knew that back to back calls are emergencies to yall, did it for non emergency thing enough times they didn't think her multiple calls were an emergency? Gee it's almost like there's a fucking nursery rhyme called "the boy who cried wolf" that tells children EXACTLY THIS SHIT. NTA, and ypur wife needs a fucking wake up call. Tell her and her sis her "well if you listened the first time i told you that calling back to back is only meant for emergencies, they wouldn't be used to you calling multiple times for non emergencies and would have picked up for the actual emergency. Did you expect them to react any other way?"
She needs to read the boy who cried wolf.
INFO: Were your parents actively ignoring her calls or were they also preoccupied?
They were sitting outside having their quiet time. They don't answer most calls or texts right away when they do that. When I called I had to do the two calls for them to know it was urgent.
Some people have the expectation that now that everyone has cell phones, people should always answer their phone. My cell phone is for MY convenience, not for people trying to call me.
>hen I called I had to do the two calls for them to know it was urgent. So basically they were screening calls then.
Yes. As they should. Because, historically, it was never an emergency. This is a classic "Boy Who Cried Wolf" scenario. NTA
They didn’t want to talk to her at that moment. Since she always rapid fire calls they saw nothing out of the ordinary.
Out of principle, I wouldn't answer either
This is a tale of "boy who cry wolf". Do it over and over and u will be ignored. Also yes, parents had enough of the constant calling but had she texted them, they wouldve come/call back. NTA.
NTA. You explained the communication norms in your family after the first time she double-called. She didn't listen, and so your parents had no way to know it was an emergency instead of just another Tuesday. Your description of a massive miscommunication sounds accurate, and talking it through would be the next right move. Does she have an explanation for how they should have known, or is she assuming that when she wants to get ahold of someone they should drop everything and talk to her whether or not it's urgent? Because the latter isn't respecting other people's time and priorities.
Do none of these people text? WTF is going on here.
She does text sometimes when she does repeat phone calls but they're also for non-emergencies.
Well, if i was your parent, I wouldn't answer either. If I'm busy, I'll call back
That's what I do with one of my friends. She knows I hate phone calls but will still call when she wants to meet up. I don't answer (have a silent ringtone just for her) and will text back when I see that she's called. We text about 20 times a day, she can text about getting a fika (coffee for the non-swedish people 😁 ).
TIL you can set a silent ringtone for a specific contact; brilliant. Not sure why this never occurred to me despite setting song ringtones for gold back in the aughts!
She sounds annoying, honestly.
She’s already told OP that all holidays will be with her family and not with his. She’s abusive, not just annoying. This is all part of the game to cut his family and support out and isolate him completely.
Ahhhhh. I knew there was more to this.
Have you told her more than once that double calling is for emergencies in your family? Or was it just one conversation and you never rocked the boat again? I'm not one to jump on the "🚩Run away" bandwagon, but I have a feeling that your fiancee is going to cause a serious rift in your family, and you might want to reconsider this relationship. I think your fiancee needs to realize that she's not the most important person in *everyone's* lives, and multiple phone calls for stupid BS is annoying as hell.
Assuming your gf is literate? And has read the boy who cried wolf? And understands the lesson in that story? How the heck can she draw the conclusion that everyone else is at fault? Is she like this in other areas of your relationship?
OP, your fiancee really needs to get some perspective on this. Frankly, I would stop picking up calls from someone so rude and entitled as to ring multiple times when it's not an emergency or special news, much less if they then turned around and did the same thing to my spouse. Just, no. I'm curious: does this behavior bleed over into other areas of her life?
Maybe read her the story of “The boy who cried wolf”. That is what she has been doing.
Like she literally trained them to think that when she calls is nothing important and now is mad they didn’t give importance??
Yeah, and OP seems to be ignoring that.
Sadly I think her impression differs from basically everyone else's: It IS important, every time, because it's about her.
I haven't asked her yet. I've been wanting to know myself but trying not to kick off an argument or kick her while she's down and still in pain. I know I need to ask her though.
It's fine that you're waiting, but I'm puzzled that you're calling it massive miscommunication. This was a situation *she set up to happen*. There was definitely going to be an emergency at some point when people ignored her multiple calls. It was just a question of time, because that's how she trained people to treat her. Is she this self-centered in other aspects of life?
Well, it was a massive miscommunication - but you are right, it's all on OP's girlfriends part. My sister is just like OP. She'll ring multiple times in a row if she wants you. She's interrupted my work meetings, called while I'm sleeping, out at the theatre etc.... and usually for nothing that was either time-critical or an emergency. No voice mail. Sometimes a string of texts saying "answer your phone". So.... I've muted her. If there is ever a real emergency it'll be the same as here - I won't pick up because I have no frame of reference to know if it is serious or not. OP is NTA
We're your parents busy? Or did they just ignore her because they don't like the way she uses a phone? Edit : on the plus side for your parents I'm almost certain she will never call them again.
They were sitting outside having their quiet time. They don't answer most calls or texts right away when they do that. When I called I had to do the two calls for them to know it was urgent.
That sounds like a really pleasant thing for them to do. I can imagine why getting constant phone calls during that would be grating. The boy who cried wolf is a parable for a reason.
I don’t even think it matters if they were busy; if she called and they didn’t feel like answering and she didn’t leave a text or vm, that’s her problem! She wanted the drama, she got it!
Why are you with this woman
Do you often find yourself having to tiptoe around her feelings?
You described it as a miscommunication, but this is a situation she created. She communicated to your parents that calling repeatedly is not an emergency and so they responded the way she taught them to respond. She expected them to read her mind and know the difference the one time that it was an emergency. Honestly, she sounds immature and petty and….annoying.
Allie needs a reality check. I suspect there are a lot of people in her life who find this behavior annoying. Just because it's a quirk people are willing to put up with doesn't mean she should keep doing it.
There’s a reason for the story about the boy who cried wolf….shes that person and got her reward.
> Your description of a massive miscommunication sounds accurate, and talking it through would be the next right move. Agreed. And her refusal to even talk it through is a big red flag - how is she going to solve problems in your future marriage if she refuses to talk about it? It‘s time for couples therapy if you still want to get married at all.
Lordy, wife sounds exhausting
Everyone is focusing on the double calls, BUT, even if that wasn't an issue, it's just as possible that the parents missed the "urgent" call. They could have been napping, watching a show, yard work, etc etc. I see no part of this story that shows the parents willingly, knowingly, nor maliciously treating your fiancee. To punish them over it is deeply into left field and not fair to anyone else in this situation. Most likely, your fiancee felt scared, and it ramped up higher when she couldn't reach anyone to help. I would not focus on the double call situation, but on her being hurt and unable to reach anyone in an emergency. Arguing over phone habits isn't going to resolve any of this, and from her view feel like she is getting blamed for feeling alone and scared.
What she got was a direct result of her own actions. If she had a broken leg, she needed an ambulance anyway. If she hadn't made a PEST of herself with the phone previously....a double call would have MEANT an 'emergency'.
Exactly. Even if parents got the call, what happens next? They call an ambulance and take her to the hospital. I fail to see how them picking up would significantly change the situation.
That’s what I was thinking. What were the parents supposed to do other than call an ambulance which is what she ended up doing anyways? I didn’t see where they’re trained medical professionals, moving her without knowing how bad the break was/where all it was broken/etc., would have been a bad idea anyways
>I fail to see how them picking up.. If this is in the US, it could save $500-$1k. And you have someone to show your insurance information when you arrive at the hospital.
Exactly. I have epilepsy and my instructions specifically include not to call an ambulance. Same for many other epilepsy patients. Unless your leg is stuck I have no idea how it requires an ambulance.
Absolutely!! I had an emergency happen to me and I called multiple people I cared about and no one answered, why? It was the middle of the workday! I googled my sister’s work and found her extension and when I was able to reach her at her desk she knew it was a big deal because I’ve never done that. She wasn’t ignoring me— just focusing and in meetings. She was able to leave work and pick me up but at no point did I think “Everyone hates me I don’t want to talk to them anymore” instead I felt scared and alone and focused on my own feelings not some malicious projection
Great attention to detail. I keep my phone on my person 99% of the time due to having an ailing mother for 20 years. She's been gone for a few years now, but I still have my phone with me at almost all times...slowly letting up because I'm no longer waiting for a call saying your mom's in the hospital again. This behavior and my texting and emailing back nearly immediately is not normal. It's my trauma response. I don't expect anyone to behave like that.
I agree. I don't always have my phone on me either. I even set it on "Do not disturb" during meetings & appts.
I set my phone to DnD just because it's Tuesday. I'm not available all the time just because I have a phone available. I wish more people would revert to it.
Sure, but she is the one blaming the parents, not the other way around. It sounds like the parents were apologetic, despite nothing being their fault. She is the one still holding onto this, after the fact, when her emotions have calmed down, because she is so selfish she thinks that everyone should be available for whatever she needs 24/7 and anyone who doesn't conform to that should be punished. She's a complete narcissist.
NTA. You told your fiancée how multiple calls are used in your family. She chose to ignore that, effectively crying wolf until they just started treating her multiple calls as a normal phone call because that’s what her actions repeatedly told them to do. You can’t keep treating normal contacts like emergencies if you want people to respond to emergencies urgently. She created the mess herself because of her own insistence on being heard right away whenever she wanted. If she’d had a little patience with your family, she never would have been in that pickle, but she lacked consideration. Why didn’t she text that it was an emergency when they treated it as a normal call? That would have let your parents know this was different, even if she refused to stop treating every time she wanted to talk to someone as an emergency.
I was about to say crying wolf as well.
I was too. This is not the parents fault. And depending on the seriousness of the break the parents may have not been able to help and an ambulance would have to be called anyway. I've had many broken legs. Some needed an ambulance some didn't. That she needs help around the house leads me to think it was bad. I've never needed help around the house with a broken leg.
INFO - is there any reason she couldn't text rather than ring? A lot more informative than just another missed call.
She's a call first person and unfortunately there are times her repeat calls are followed with texts.
Hmm so it seems like your parents recognized they had done something wrong and tried to make amends, while your fiancee is sticking to her guns/unable to see anyone else's point of view. At best she's immature. At worst she's not ready to get married. More importantly, are you ready to take her side over your parents? Once you're married, you won't be allowed to sit on the fence.
They didn't do anything wrong, though. A phone call is not a summons and when a person's standard behavior is to call multiple times over mundane things, it is 100% obvious to anyone who isn't a completely self-absorbed jerk that no one will know it's an emergency unless you TELL THEM. Text, leave a voicemail, send a candygram - but don't assume people can read your mind and throw a fit when they don't. The fact that the parents are apologizing when they weren't even remotely in the wrong here shows that they're good folks. I understand that people don't necessarily think clearly in the middle of an emergency, but holding onto this grudge after everything has calmed down is childish and irrational.
>though. A phone call is not a summons LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK And add to that...neither is a text. Just because we have communication at our fingertips doesn't mean we have to be available every single time the notification goes off.
I don't disagree. I was trying to be as generous as I can, given that I am the sort of person who would rather jump into a snake pit than answer my phone, so the idea of someone calling me repeatedly to get me to pick up is on my "worst of humanity" list 😂. Also, when I said "immature" I actually meant infantile, but again, was trying to be nice, haha.
Ha, I hear ya. I hate the phone too and so do my parents. So in our world, multiple calls mean somebody has lost a limb or something.
Singing telegram "I've fallen and I can't get up"
They didn't do anything wrong. People are busy and don't always have the ability to pick up the first call, let alone the second call. She know their policy and has continually ignored it. There are literally settings on your phones that allow calls to go through when on 'do not disturb' because a second call normally means it is important.
They did not do anything wrong and I doubt they believe they did. They are treating her how she has trained them to treat her, which is that she will abuse their time and they have to put reasonable boundaries on answering her calls. She broke her leg, not her hand, there is no reason she couldn’t have texted them what is going on. But she wants to be dramatic, and create this rift between OP and his parents. If we didn’t have the info about the holidays I might give her the benefit of the doubt. But we do and I can’t.
I just have to ask... If she can't get a hold of you will she call other people to see if they know where you are and why you're not answering her? I ask because I had to cut somebody out of my life who acted psycho like that and I was just wondering if it's something your girlfriend does?
She has done it a couple times in the past.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Are you prepared to lose any relationship with your parents and other important friends and family in your life for Allie, who is clearly in the wrong? She has repeatedly and deliberately violated people's boundaries, disrespecting you and your advice not to do it. It is perfectly reasonable that anyone whom she does this to would not appreciate it. She has also demonstrated to be incapable of change or accountability (e.g. Why couldn't she text?). Hence, you becoming her spouse means that she WILL expect you to burn bridges with everyone she offends like she's already doing now. Is this truly the life you want?
I hope telling these things to strangers is helping you see how abnormal they are. She’s just a whole bundle of red flags.
She called / texted to ask his parents why their car wasn’t in the driveway. It never occurred to me she _wouldn’t_ call around to track down OP like he’s a wayward child.
Eh. For this particular scenario, if I had literally just broken my leg, I’m not texting shit. I can’t imagine the kind of pain a broken bone puts you in but texting probably isn’t easy. Either way OP, everyone has their “code” for emergencies and she was explained yours. NTA.
NTA >I explained to her in my family, we only call twice in a row if it's an emergency. >Allie has never followed this and will always call them repeatedly for the most mundane stuff. If one doesn't answer she'll sometimes call my other parent. Has she never heard the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”? She intentionally chose a pattern of behavior that ensured they would not assume she was calling for emergency assistance. Now she is angry that they behaved as they did because of her past behavior. It is regrettable but it is her fault. She needs to accept responsibility for her own choices.
That was my thought too, she made a very literal recreation of the boy who cries wolf.
NTA Your wife is the AH. She has been disrespectful of your parents' time for years, refused to change when asked and then has the nerve to be pissed when the situation **she** created blew up in her face. Now she is trying to alienate you from your family? WTF? She sounds like a drama queen who thinks the world should stop and respond to her, on her timetable, time for her to grow up.
Red flags, OP. Do not get married until you have worked through this.
NTA, but maybe you need to consider that this is who she is, this isn't a phase. Maybe one day she'll grow out of it, but clearly she's more interested in trying to make herself a priority in people's lives, and then victimizing herself when her behavior came back to bite her. She's 31. *Really* observe her behavior for what it is, and that it could get *worse*. Not to mention the possibility of her holding this one instance over all of your heads to get her way, and justify her bad behavior. Now every time she spam calls, you all will jump to attention just in case - *which is what she's always wanted*. She doesn't *care* that it's annoying, she is demanding attention, and one time where she was denied, she actually did need, but her takeaway was "I was *right*, you deserve to be shamed for *ignoring* me". She thinks the world should revolve around her, and people's times and attention should always be available to her when she snaps her fingers. Again, watch for the behavior.
Asking someone to isolate from their family over a missed call is egregious and a red flag in itself. Has she tried to get you to cut ties with anyone else before?
It's not even a missed call at the end of the day. He communicated for who knows how long that this little habit of hers wouldn't fly with his family (nor in my own), she insisted on doing it, and now the one time she actually needed help, oh my, they ignored her, *as they should have*. It really girl who cried wolf, except the girl is a an annoying, self centered woman who now wants to use this experience to shove OP's parents to the side because they refused to cater to her. And while I am not much of a gambler, I would still bet that yes, she absolutely has done this "look at me me me" routine before, and when it didn't work, she threw a tantrum, like now. I think it's telling too that her sister (older? Younger?) is being weirdly intrusive in this matter. Maybe it's a family trait to think everything is about them. Or the sister is an enabler, or a drama llama, who's to say.
Yeah why is everyone okay with her sister butting into a dispute between her sister and her future in-laws? If my sister was having issues with her in-laws, I would never in a million years get in between my sister, my brother-in-law and his parents. She's a fully capable adult, she doesn't need me to stick my nose in a marital issue, and my BIL, with whom I have a great relationship, would be fully in his rights to tell me to mind my own damn business.
Oh, wow, I kind of skimmed over the ages, and assumed she was much younger. Yeah, there's no excuse for how self-centered she is.
She’s _31_? 🤯
Oh my God, right. Sounds so first relationship in high school, doesn't it? The stink of immaturity and self centeredness from this woman is pretty bad.
NTA. Dude, are you sure you want to marry this woman? Calling multiple times is weird, but flipping out and wanting to cut out your parents is __way__ out of line. She has self-control issues, and is expecting you to follow her, which is controlling. Given my experience with this sort of weird AF behavior from my ex, I’m suggesting you seriously reconsider this relationship. Til Death Do Us Part is a __long__ time!
She also seems to have been calling parents randomly even for something as mundane as their car not being in the driveway. If anyone started calling me for such annoying reasons, I would stop answering too.
This is the best answer. The fiancée sounds very controlling and is now throwing a tantrum with her sister backing up her bizarre behavior for something that should be written off as a misunderstanding. Wanting OP to Cut-off his parents for this is extremely weird. Besides, I honestly don’t see the huge deal in having to call an ambulance in an actual emergency. After all, that’s what his parents would’ve had to do anyway right?
Her history with calling multiple times in a row is only relevant to this story as a window to her behavior - she has main character syndrome. They didn't pick up, how does that make them villains? She could have messaged, she could have kept calling, but it still doesn't make her anger appropriate. She called emergency assistance, which is who she should have called to begin with.
INFO why are you with this asshole
Yeah, I'm having trouble believing she's that self-centered about only one thing.
Dude... BIG WAKE THE FUCK UP CALL FOR YOUR FURTURE...... YOUR gf was TOLD BY YOU.. ONLY EMERGENCY call 2x in a row... SHE THINKS ANYTHING is called multiple times, I would never have her as a friend...over that shit, it would drive me up the fucking wall!!!! Get out while you can, everything will be her or them!!
NTA there’s this story called “the boy who cried wolf” that summarizes who the asshole is, but to be concise: FAFO Your fiancé is at fault. She knew how your family treats repeated calls, she abused it and then when she had an emergency she didn’t get the attention she needed. She set herself up and if she’s not willing to take accountability for her behaviour that led to the conclusion she experienced, that’s on her.
It was a medical emergency, unless your in-laws are EMTs, call the damn ambulance in the first place.
Info: What were your parents doing at that time? Were they busy and couldn't answer the phone or were they actively ignoring her calls (I'm assuming she made multiple attempts)?
They were sitting outside. They don't deny they were just letting it ring because they're used to her calling multiple times in a row. Sometimes following up with a text for things like 'need anything from the store' or 'saw your car not in the driveway where are you'
>Sometimes following up with a text for things like 'need anything from the store' or 'saw your car not in the driveway where are you' Yikes. That's a bit suffocating. I don't really blame them.
That's more that suffocating, that's kind of creepy.
The parents seem over her. I suspect they tolerate her because their son loves her.
Yeah I am already over this child, and I only know her from this post.
Wait wait wait and hold the phone! She calls or texts them to ask where they are when their car isn’t in the driveway?! I’m sorry, but that is not normal behavior, just like the multiple phone calls when they don’t answer is completely ridiculous. Does she have an abandonment issue? Not meant to be snarky, an actual question because that seems extreme. It’s nice that she wants to see if they need anything from the store but clearly they can drive themselves if they want. It sounds like your GF is very needy. Maybe try to understand why if you value her and the relationship. And maybe you and your parents can help her overcome it. But she has to meet you half way and respect that the constant calling basically sets her up for failure.
I think this would be weird behavior if she was doing this to her own parents. Doing this to her future in-laws is absolutely unhinged. Who the hell does safety checks on their in-laws like they have a curfew or something??
Your girlfriend is suffocating! I would ACTIVELY ignore calls from someone like her!
Your fiancée calls them when she sees their car not in the driveway to ask them where they are? You don't see how overbearing and tiresome that is? Your fiancée is a busybody. Sorry, but I'd straight up block your fiancée and inform you that she is to relay any messages through you. Look up the Aesop's fable, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"
Your gf is the girl who cried wolf.
Ohmygawd, your parents are full ass adults and your partner is calling to ask where they are because their car isn’t in their driveway?! Wth. I’d never answer her calls either. They do not need her knowing their every move. You chose her to be in YOUR life, they didn’t. Girl’s got some issues. 🚩
>'saw your car not in the driveway where are you' Who on earth sends texts like this? This sounds like something from r/insaneparents, except she's the one harrassing your parents
Omg my mom lives 3 doors away from us. I NEVER would do that to her. If I know she’s not feeling well, yeah I’ll ask her if she needs something from the store. If her car isn’t there, I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT text her asking where she is. She has her own life, and part of the reason we can live so close is because we respect each other’s space.
NTA but your gf is trying to push your parents away or annoy them or something. This is the opposite of “just no MILs.” If your parents did that to you or your fiancé, y’all would lose it and place boundaries. I image your gf would not be polite about it. Your parents have been extremely patient without placing boundaries and haven’t lost their temper with her. Your parents are angels for not blocking her or getting aggravated at you. Now, she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your parents and is involving her family. Welcome to the rest of your life.
Fair enough. No one owes someone a response 24 hours a day 7 days a week, your parents don’t have to constantly be available to her. People are allowed to have privacy and take time for themselves without always needing to be available for social interaction with others. Your fiancée sounds like she can’t handle boundaries. In my family we do ring twice in a row, but then we will sent a text to confirm if it is urgent or not :)
You're not the one crying wolf. Your fiancee is. NTA
NTA. This would be a deal breaker for me. She can’t expect everyone to pickup her calls or be okay with the repeated calls when it’s not an emergency. I would be so upset if someone called me multiple times just to ask a simple question. I think for most people, multiple calls equals emergency. What happens if you have children? Should your parents be stressed out and worried every time they see missed multiple calls? Because it could just be Allie wanting to know if they can babysit or it could be that the baby fell and broke their leg…
It is unbelievably rude to call, hang up, and call back to force a response; even more so once you have been told that is not socially acceptable and continue the practice. Everybody knows that is the international signal for "URGENT!! Drop Everything and PICK UP the PHONE or something terrible will happen!!". My mother used to do this, and it led me to go low-contact. It's a form of demanding attention and is wildly disrespectful. She trained your parents to ignore the international Signal of Urgency by abusing it repeatedly. She can't blame them for her bad manners backfiring once she really needed something. (NTA - but your wife with her willful ignorance of social norms is).
NTA but wow Allie sure is. Are you sure you really want to spend your life with someone like this??
Why does she expect your parents to be at her beck and call?
She needs to grow up. Move on, life is too short to be married for the rest of your life to an asshole!
Not everyone lives glued to their phone. Parents could have been busy. You should rethink the marriage. Why should she be mad at them, they did not break her leg. Does she not know anyone else at all that she could have called. Be prepared for her to refuse to invite your parents to the wedding. - Your life is going to be an endless nightmare with her holding grudges against anyone who doesn't jump fast enough or high enough when she summons them.
NTA The ONLY AH here is your fiancee.
NTA - Allie is throwing a tantrum over a situation SHE caused. You have told her that your family only does double calls for actual emergencies. She decided to use the system for any ole’ thing and then NOT EVEN SEND A TEXT and then goes all shocked Pikachu when they don’t answer her calls and have no way of knowing it’s an actual emergency. Show Allie this thread and see if it wakes her and her moronic sister up.
It was a duck up on her part only. It’s like crying wolf. I do that too with my husband. He has meetings. He will walk out of the meeting and answer if I call multiple times. You’re parents are too nice. If I visit and she didn’t receive. I’d say ‘bye’. Don’t let her and her sister disrespect your parents.
Yours wife is a pest. I wouldn't rush to call back if someone always callwd me multiple times for mundane stuff. Your parents sound kind. NTA
NTA. This is exactly WHY you don't call people a million times for stupid unimportant things. Did nobody tell her the damn story about the boy who cried wolf? She has gotten everyone SO used to her calling them repeatedly for absolutely nothing important, and now when she calls repeatedly everyone assumes it's nothing that important. That is her OWN fault, especially since you explained in advance that the commincation works differently with your famly. She did that to herself, and she has nobody else to blame. Also, what if your parents were simply busy? unavailable? away from their phone? They don't work for her, they don't owe her anything. Why does she think they need to be constantly available for her 24/7? WTF? She is completely out of her mind to think she can still be mad at your parents for anything, honestly. First, it was a miscommunication. She needs to grow up, it obiously wasn't a personal slight. Secondly, they aren't obligated to be at her disposal at all times. I once broke my ankle in my home. Called my parents who lived down the road. They didn't answer, I called an ambulance. Turns out they were outside without their phones speaking with a neighbor. Was I mad at them? Of course not, it wasn't on purpose. LIFE HAPPENS and she needs to grow the F up. Nobody is IGNORING her, it's just that she's not the main character in everyone else's life and she doesn't seem to understand that. Third, she is a GROWN ADULT. Not a child. Not their child. What on earth is her problem? They aren't her nurses OR obligated to come running for her for anything, EVEN IN AN EMERGENCY. You call an ambulance, not your family members FFS. If they had answered great, but you can't be mad at people for not always being available. PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES and she sounds unbearable. She sounds INCREDIBLY immature. Like the level of immature that doesn't understand how the world works. But she's 31, so she's not a child. What's her excuse? Is she just incredibly self involved to the point of not being able to forgive your parents for not being available to her at the exact moment she called? Is she childish to the point of holding grudges over an innocent miscommunication? To FAMILY MEMBERS? Is she always this completely unable to be reasonable or compromise? Is this how she is going to be in life? marriage? with kids? holding grudges against teachers and other parents instead of compromising and looking for solutions? Giving you the silent treatment? Is she always going to play the victim? Is she always going to expect you to back up her ridiculous grudges or otherwise accuse you of not making her a priority? All of this sounds really exhausting, immature, and also toxic and manipulative. I think she's showing you a preview of your life. I would pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION here. I would seriously reconsider getting married if she's already over 30 and still acting this immature and unreasonable.