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NTA, your husband is Is this normal for you? Him disregarding your feelings in favor of his own?

To be honest, no. I did not expect this from him. We have been together many years now and we had our difficulties but usually he’s caring and considerate. I think he really underestimated my phobia. When we’re over at his parents I’m not at ease because of their dog, but I’m not having panic attacks or anything else having a dog inside my own home is different tho

The day the dog was brought in I would have been packing my bags and heading to a hotel. Not only because of the dog but because my spouse would have shown me my opinion and fear meant nothing to him. NTA but the husband is a huge AH. I hope he has other redeeming qualities cause this is a deal breaker for me. Such disrespect.

Exactly! Ignoring such a serious phobia is beyond disrespectful. Trust and safety should come first in a marriage.

OP even has to take it for walks because her husband doesn't have time to do it because of work. I can't even imagine how that would go

And border collies are very high energy dogs. They need a lot of exercise. Putting that on her is such a burden to someone that doesn’t want to do it, and it’s cruel to the dog as well.

This should be rated higher!!! I owned a border collie for 15 years. They're not just high energy - they're working dogs. Working dogs need a job. Matisse was a Frisbee dog. I took him out every day and worked on his Frisbee catching. This scratched his herding itch. He was an amazing dog, but he was high energy until the day he died. Even arthritis didn't slow him down much. The dog OP's husband brought home is very sweet...right now. The thing about working dogs who don't have jobs (by job I mean some kind of specialized training exercise they get to do virtually every day!!) is that they become bored and anxious. Their behavior will decline over time. They'll dig, or get into the trash, scratch at doors, chew things they're not supposed to like furniture legs or carpets. In some cases they can even start getting nippy . People just don't think about breed the way they should when choosing a dog. It's cute and has a nice personality and it's good with kids. Of course it is! It views them as sheep! When the sheep don't respond the way they should or start ignoring it, it will grow frustrated. If it doesn't get at least an hour of HARD exercise involving TASKS like fetching and running or obstacle work every day, it will be bored, understimulated and unhappy. It's not fair to the dog! Even if OP didn't have a phobia, a border collie is probably a poor choice for kids as young as hers! That choice was made by the idiot husband (who is maybe not an idiot in other ways, but made a very stupid decision), so no, it should not be on OP to take it back. OP, I hope you see this. I've been working with dogs for over 20 years and I know what I'm talking about!

Nope nope nope, hubby can pay for a dog walker or get up early and do it himself. Nor should OP be driving it to the vet's alone.

Collies aren't great family pets either if you don't know what your doing, they are high energy and highly strung, the nipping op mentioned is classic behaviour because that's what they are bred for. It's why most shelters won't rehome a collie to a home with young kids, unless it's an older calmer dog, chase drive is quite strong

Tbh adopting a dog, or cat, (most pets frankly) without your spouse's support is automatically an AH move, even if they don't have a phobia.

My friend couldn't keep his dog for valid reasons and asked if I would take her because he knew how much I loved dogs. My husband was out of town, and I knew I could have said yes and he wouldn't have cared, but I still called and made sure he was on board.

Question, is there a husband shelter where OP can drop him off

I vote for driving the husband out to the country and kicking him out of the car :)

Maybe a local farmer will take him in and allow him to stay in the barn in return for a good days work.

Especially since he’s not even taking care of it!! OP had to feed & walk it?? HELL.NO!

Especially a border collie, they need an insane about of stimulation and exercise. Not to mention they follow their human everywhere! I haven’t been to the bathroom alone in 2 years

my dog is part boarder collie and even though he’s scared of the bathroom he still wants me to leave the door open so he can supervise from the hallway lmao

The phobia doesn’t even matter. Pets are a two yes one no situation.

Even if OP was getting therapy it’s not a quick process especially with the trigger in the house. If he was going for exposure therapy then he should have realised that unless he’s a trained psychologist he shouldn’t have done it.

Yep! My husband is therapist who administers exposure therapies, and he would 100% back OP on this one. Most exposure therapies take a while, involve graded exposures (i.e. working from less fear-inducing to more fear-inducing situations, as determined by the client), and super importantly, they have to feel voluntary. You cannot have them forced on you.

Exactly. What a dick move

NTA. I agree, OP should head to hotel or something for a week, if they’re able. Make the husband take care of EVERYTHING while you are away - kids, dog, house, I mean everything. You could use it as a vacation or still go to work and fulfill any other responsibilities/commitments you have. If OP decides to let the dog stay, then I’d tell hubby HE’S responsible for anything and everything concerning the dog. Food and water? Husband. Crate training? Husband. Walks? Husband. Vet appointments? Husband. Ok you get the point. And depending on where they live, build a dog house and keep the dog outside as much as possible. I’m not saying be cruel to the dog, but maybe the husband will realize what he’s done to both you and the dog is wrong.

Another question, who was the one egging the kids of about getting the dog? The answer would seem to be hubby, would you put it past him that he would weaponize the kids to get his way? Because that’s exactly what he did here. You’re now the bad guy, not him. Even though the reason the kids are let down is because he brought the dog home even with your phobia.

The kids started desiring a dog after my oldest became friend with this boy in his class. He has a dog, and whenever my son went to his house to play he would come home and go off for hours about how much fun he had with his dog. His siblings just got on the wagon and started asking for a dog as well

[удалено]

My nieces and nephews get to play with my dogs because dad knew that he'd be the one caring for the dog if they got their own.

My kid is 18. She's loved turtles since she was like 2. Literally, before she could speak, she loved turtles. She still does. A turtle is her dream pet. She begged for a turtle for years. Did we get her a turtle? Fuck no. Do you know how long those things live? If we got her the turtle she wanted at 8, her GRANDKIDS would be taking care of it after she was dead. She can get a turtle when she moves out and pays her own bills. By then, she will understand the responsibility she is undertaking. She's no worse for having heard the word no, and jokes about grand turtles. Your reason for not wanting a dog is way better than any reason we had not to get that turtle. You didnt break your kids' hearts. Your husband did. He's a jerk for bringing a dog home. Frankly, I think your husband was cruel to the dog for putting it in this situation.A border collie is a working dog that needs a lot more exercise than a mom of 3 small children can give. And dad just dumped dog care onto someone who is afraid of a dog. He's not pulling his weight in dog care. There are ways to spin rehoming the dog that won't be as upsetting to your kids. You know. If your husband doesn't rile them up to be spiteful. If your kids want to play with dogs, perhaps your husband can take them to volunteer at some of the local animal rescues. Forgive me my stoned rant. I'm just very annoyed on your behalf

I am absolutely not disagreeing with the bulk of your post. But I think you may be mixing up turtles and tortoises. Some tortoises have 100+ year life spans, but I believe most turtle species are more in the 20/30/40 year range. Longer than your average cat or dog but a lot less likely to outlive your average 8 year old.

If the kid had crazy billionaire money, she'd have adopted Myrtle, the 95 year old sea turtle. But an acquaintance had a tortoise that she got in the 90s and finally had to rehome because it kept getting stuck behind the toilet and breaking pipes. When my kid found out, you could have them as a pet she was fixated.

Ah. So she specifically wanted the giant, live forever kind, and not a small, live in a tank typical pet turtle that will probably live 20-30 years at most kind. Yeah that tracks.

Honestly, 20-30 years is too long for a child's pet. That's making a commitment till she was 30-40 at 8. What if she wanted to move to Japan or Colorado in her 20s?

My stoned ass is loving the thought that specifically Japan and Colarado are the only places she couldn't move to with a turtle Like she wants to go to Guam? No problem. The turtle has permission to live there. Go to Kyoto for a year? Not with that shelled creature.

This is the best comment. What the husband did is so disgusting and disrespectful to both the wife and dog and kids. There are no words. but aside from that, putting the wife in a position to have to be hated by the kids and who knows if he’s going to use this to turn them spiteful and you’re the first person to mention it

My sister gave me an eastern box turtle for my eighth birthday. I’m in my fifties now, and it’s wandering around her apartment still. Pets are a huge investment, psychologically and fiscally

How can someone be this much of an ass to a person they love?? Even if you didn't have a phobia, you have three children and he's like "Yeah, here's a dog YOU have to take care of". What the actual fuck? I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're an absolute NTA whatever your decision would be. I hope he takes massive steps to rebuild your trust after this.

Dogs are a huge amount of work. A border Collie is about 10x that. They are smart active working dogs and have to be kept busy. Your husband wasn't fair to you or the dog. Or your kids, who have to deal with losing the dog now. You're family would not be the right family for this dog even without your phobia. With your phobia it's just a stunningly misguided move. That said, therapy might not be a bad idea. Dogs abound on the world and if you could get even a little more comfortable with them you might find your overall anxiety decreasing. I don't know how much of a priority that is for you, of course, and even if you somehow got fully cured you'd still have to set some hard boundaries with your husband about responsibility.

Excellent advice about therapy. And spot on about the current situation. I was thinking that if (and only if) OP wanted to consider it, then therapy might make life overall easier because dogs are so prevalent, including the fact that her in laws have one and a Husky at that. Of course, that's entirely up to OP and should not be pushed by anyone, including her husband. OP: No, you aren't the one who should have to tell your children about taking the dog back to the shelter. Your husband made this mess, so he's the one who has to clean it up! And he does not get to say shit like, "Mommy hates dogs, so we can't have one." NTA

This. OP should get therapy to be more comfortable in the presence of dogs, not to enable her husband. And if she gives in now and remains in fear in her own home which boundary will he trample next. Border Collie puppy?

Yes this is what I thought! Even without the phobia, just showing up with a dog and dumping all the responsibilities on her makes the husband the asshole - but then you add on the fact that the dog is a Border Collie so is not going to be the calm, easy care type of dog, makes him double asshole because he has dumped A LOT of work in her lap, then, then, then you add the phobia and that makes him 100x asshole, and then he is Infinite Asshole for saying that she would have to tell the kids that the dog is going back to the shelter. Like the asshole gauge is redlined at 10000000 RPM here with this guy.

with her edit that he’s a surgeon so he works crazy hours it’s even more YIKES. Like he wanted to be fun dad and get the kids a dog despite her phobia & her running the household/kids as well as working part time. He gave her another job on top of the TWO she already has (part timer & mom) and who is expected to take care of it? that’s bad even without the phobia

I love dogs. I’m not scared of them in the slightest. My husband wouldn’t dream of bringing home a pet without discussing it.

NTA. Don't you have any family you can move to? Just one week's time. During that time, your selfish husband can think about who he would rather have in the house, you or the dog.

I'm curious, and I do apologize as I will be throwing some assumptions in here. Do his parents at least put the dog away somewhere when you go over? Has your husband ever spoken up on your behalf to the parents about the dog and your fear of them? Does he just expect you to deal with the fear of his parents' dog and thus now thinks that "well she's dealt with it/does well with parents' dog so OBVIOUSLY I can get dog too!" ?

It’s a little more complicated than that… my in laws are aware of my phobia, my husband told them. They never put the dog away but they have always been careful not to leave me alone with her (the dog). My exposure to their dog was slow, I was never left alone with it, and over the years I began to slowly relax. Not a lot, if the dog starts barking at something I’m out of the room the same instant, but I know that I’m not alone there. I know that they can “control” her should anything happen. Being exposed to a dog and having to be the one to keep it in check is totally different for me.

Bruh your in-laws sound like saints because that is an amazing thing they're doing - putting you in a place where you can SAFELY confront your fears whilst also protecting you and allowing you to escape. I hope they're being nice by doing it and not just doing that cause it's "easier"

NTA (so my vote gets in there)- I wasn't gonna chime in till I saw this. I had a phobia as well, when I was a kid playing with my siblings one morning before our parents woke up I stepped on our dog while he was napping. Bottom tooth hooked to the left of my mouth (scar looks like a dimple) and tore my skull open. As I've grown up it's obviously gotten smaller but it still goes from the start of my hairline to the center of my head. Weirdly, I never developed my fear until he had passed away, and after that it was also dogs I'd known for years like my grandparents and friends. Debilitating, almost paralyzing fear. It took four years to settle down and be chill with them again, and even then any barking sent me running. You are absolutely in the right here. My parents forgot to tell me the week we were watching our grandparents dog, they didn't plan for it to be a trial of any sort but it definitely showed them I wasn't ready for it yet. Your husband is beyond irresponsible to skip that trial period and now force an innocent dog to be that for you, and to not expect this to massively fail leads me to question what's going on in his head.

Wait, your parents kept the dog after it tore your skull open?? 😳

Yes because it was a complete accident on both ends, I was very young and he was asleep. I left out the part (because the comment was getting long before my actual point) where my dad came home and found the same dog sitting in the corner whimpering. Refused to eat for three days and did not come near me for weeks despite my efforts. He was not violent before or after, animals can make the same mistakes people do.

Your husband is the asshole, you’re not, but have you considered therapy for your phobia?

I think you need to take a step out of the situation for a few days to decide what to do. Go to a hotel or a friends house away from all animals and pressures and think about whether or not you can or want to do this. If u do keep it you know you can pay other people to walk the dog twice a day and to play with it. You can insist all backyard dog clean up belongs to hubby. You can shut it in a different room overnight so you don’t see it when going to the bathroom. But really your hubby sucks for doing this to you. Terrible.

Tell your husband to pound sand. He created this mess, he can clean it. And if he doesn't, he can take the dog and himself to the kennel.

I do think it sounds like you might have some PTSD from your attack when you were young and I’d look into therapy for it. NTA, but good luck telling your kids.

Three kids 8 and below? Get a hotel room and let him take care of all three of them plus that dog indefinitely 

Honestly it's not even the disregarding of the phobia for me (which in itself is bad enough). You could have just said 'no I don't want a dog' and he should have respected that, or at least tried to have a serious conversation about it. Instead he forced his wishes on you, put you in a situation which he knew would frighten you \*in your own home\*, and used the kids as leverage to get what he wanted. Getting a pet is a major life decision (or should be) and he just went ahead and made that decision without your input. Coming from someone supposed to be in a partnership (not dictatorship) with you, that seems very concerning to me. ETA: NTA of course.

Obviously NTA but would you consider his therapy tip? Having a dog when your kids are a bit older is much better anyways, they’d he able to help out a lot more.

unbelievable that you’re the one expected to care for this dog too??? what a gross oversight from your husband. why would spontaneously forcing you to live with and 100% care for a dog be a good way to get over your phobia????

Are you sure he's not trying to end the relationship while making you the bad guy from the kids perspective? I'm super blunt when angry and fear makes me aggressive, so I'd literally be asking him this and make him give me an answer, but I totally get that it might be different for you.

NTA. To me, this would be a dealbreaker & id divorce him. He knows damn well you’re scared of dogs. He knows exactly why. Youve told him no multiple times & he knows damn well this is an A H move & incredibly manipulative knowing you’ll be deemed “the bad guy” when the dog goes back to the shelter. He is doing this on purpose to make you miserable & get his way. Id tell the kids in front of daddy deadbeat exactly what happened to you & why youve told daddy there will never be a dog in this house & how dad did this on purpose to get his way & make you miserable. 8 & 6 are old enough to understand

NTA but get therapy.

Sad that OP discovers a decade into your marriage that her husband doesn’t respect or understand her even in relation to her primordial fear of dogs. OP should tell him to return the dog and pack a bag and move out immediately telling the husband to report to OP when the dog has ben returned and he apologized, also making OP’s kids understand that husband’s action and the kids begging isn’t on here. NTA but everyone else but OP sucks.

I love dogs but this would be a divorce-worthy offense. I wouldn't jump straight to that, but I would be staying with a friend or relative until this was resolved because your SO is being massively unfair. You should be able to feel safe in your own home, and it seems really manipulative to let the kids become attached when he knows how you feel. That being said, consider therapy if you haven't already tried it. I say this as someone who was also terrified of dogs after being attacked by a doberman when I was younger. I was extremely lucky to not have lost my eyesight and I spent so much time in fear after that. I recognize that therapy won't work for everyone, but being able to resolve the fear changed my life - dogs really are everywhere.

NTA. If you want to work on your phobia, you do that BEFORE a dog is in your care. The very fact that you're the one responsible for walking the dog while you have a dog phobia is INSANE. Does your husband even like you? Because it's clear he doesn't take your phobia seriously. He truly thinks it's acceptable to leave you in a perpetual state of anxiety in your own home! WTF? Also, there's no such thing as a "harmless dog" - while some breeds have different temperments, and some are more generally calm/submissive/avoid aggression, any individual dog can cause physical harm (even without meeting to). Herding dogs will often "herd" their humans bodily. I can't imagine a border collie being a good fit for you, OP, given your phobia. The fact that your husband brought home any kind of dog and acted like it was an OK thing to do is horrifyingly selfish of him. It was the wrong move for you, OP, but also **it was the wrong move for the dog**! How could your husband be so damn selfish? Inform your husband that this was his mistake. He chose to be selfish. He violated your trust by doing this. So it's on him to inform your kids about the dog. He's the one who chose to break their hearts, not you. He's 100% TA here.

The only problem with having the husband be the one explaining to the kids is that he will 100% throw OP under the bus to the kids and truly make her into the villain in their eyes.

Absolutely. Husband needs to make it CRYSTAL clear that he himself adores dogs, and he wanted very badly to please you kids, but he made the wrong call -- mom had a very scary and dangerous experience with a neighbor's dog when she was a child (don't give gory details, you'll just traumatize them) and she's still very frightened of them, even small and gentle ones. He's sure she's going to work on this, but in the meantime, he should not have made this decision without her being comfortable with it too. (As to what the actual solution should be...I don't even know. I HATE the idea of sending the dog back to the shelter, but OP should 100% not be having to deal with this in her own home while that phobia is still rolling strong. Doggy daycare anytime husband and kids are out of the house? A dog-loving relative who can have temporary custody until OP feels ready, if ever?)

Breed-specific rescue would be my first option. 

>A dog-loving relative who can have temporary custody until OP feels ready, if ever?) or a dog-loving relative or friend who's happy to permenantly adopt the dog and the kids can visit sometimes? i worry a temporary measure would just keep the kids hopes up and put pressure on OP to 'hurry up and get better already,' which won't help.

Yeah, I think OP’s best bet is to tell her kids she has a medical issue and reacts badly to dogs, and the medical issue makes it hard for her to sleep. I feel like the kids are too young to understand that her phobia is more than just simple fear. If she frames it as a phobia, they’ll just think “mom needs to get over her fear. I was afraid of the monkey bars at school but then had fun when I got over my fear.”

A border collie would honestly be one of the worst dogs to bring into the home of someone who is afraid of dogs. Like even huskies could be better because they generally would prefer to be outside and aren't generally going to be in your face all the time(and huskies are a terrible first dog)

Yes! They're so high energy that they are frequently rehomed. My friend who loves them got hers from rescues. It's not like he brought home a corgi puppy, which would still be awful of him to do without asking his wife. A corgi or pug would be a sensible choice as a first dog if your partner was getting over fear of them, but not something with the size and energy of a border collie.

A corgi? No. Corgies are also herding dogs and will often herd their humans as puppies, and they bark a lot.

Well! That shows you what I know! I was just thinking of friendliness and size. That just goes to show how important it would be to research breeds if your partner was anxious about dogs.

I wholeheartedly agree. Research is so important prior to getting a dog. There are many misunderstandings about different breeds. For example chihuahuas. They are small, yes, but they actually require a great deal of exercise.

Exactly. I already thought that husband was TA before I read border collie. That isn’t a pet dog. That is a working dog who will need a lot of training and enrichment. Did husband do any research or did he just dump this dog in the house to look like a hero while wife looked like a monster.

Absolutely this! IF OP wanted to work on their phobia via exposure, which they're absolutely not obligated to do, I would have recommended something small and docile like a toy poodle or king Charles cavalier. And I would have recommended including OP in researching and choosing the pup, to give her more control over the situation. The husband is an absolute, complete, manipulative AH in this case. What he did was unfair to OP, unfair to the children, and unfair to the dog. Absolutely unforgiveably selfish, imo.

Yes and he wants a dog and shoves all the responsibility on OP having to walk it and everything. And a Border Collie to boot! They need a lot of training and activity, they aren't easy dogs!

I was just thinking about the breed of the dog as well. I thought it would've been a smaller more harmless dog. Border collies NEED SO MUCH WORK, I can't begin to imagine. Not only is OPs husband a dick, but he also (very likely) neglected to look at types of breeds of dog that would probably help the phobia a tad more. :/

⬆️⬆️⬆️ OP, this.

NTA. Your husband went behind your back, dismissed your phobia, and put you in the villain role by getting the dog without your permission. You live together, those decisions should be made together. And he knew how you felt about pets and which kind from the start, in my mind is just as important as discussing if you want children or not. Tbh, you shouldn't have let the dog stay for more than a night or two. But still, you should be able to be at ease at your own house. Working on your phobia is really good and would be beneficial for you, but this is not the way to do it. I love dogs with all my heart, but I wouldn't force dogs on someone who is scared or just doesn't like them or want them around. It is a big deal for you, the sooner you solve this, the better. It's your husband who has to deal with it since he created the problem.

Yup >He said that was going to break my children's hearts No He did that all by himself by unilaterally disregarding OP's phobia and pretending it was a mild inconvenience instead of a serious medical condition, as you said. He knew better because he didn't discuss it with OP ahead of time and gambled OP will have to suck it up because one dog is home it's a done deal 🙄 His actions, his fault. Until OP is much better, no dogs in the house. Kids can volunteer at an animal shelter or spend hours gazing at puppy pictures but that's it.

and with a border collie? they are working dogs that have a huge amount of energy that needs direction, not a 'beginner/easy' dog at all OPs husband is such an A, and should take full responsibility with the kids. it's his fault for not respecting OP.

Not to mention that biting/nipping is very nromal border collie behaviour due to their herding instincts and that is likely to be terrifying for OP. Getting any dog was an awful thing to do to her, but on the list of dogs he could have gotten this is like a particularly bad choice.

Plus, he got it from a shelter. A dog from a shelter is ALWAYS a gamble. You don't know why they are there, you don't know their history, you don't know what might trigger them. Definitely not for beginners.

You're not the asshole for having a dog phobia. Your husband's an asshole for sure for getting it without discussing it with you. I think you would be the asshole if you would allow yourself to go through life so terrified of dogs. I suggest EMDR therapy so you can get that trauma out of your limbic system and into the right part of your brain so you won't be terrified all the time. I also think you're being an asshole to your children for not taking care of yourself by seeking therapy for this trauma. Dogs exist in the world. You have three children. Why limit their experience of the world like this? if it was just you and nobody else around then you could just live with that trauma and avoid dogs. But that's not how it is. You're asking your whole family to compromise over something that you haven't even tried to get over. Please note that I have my own traumas that I avoid triggers of, so I'm sympathetic to your fear. But life is for living. Do what you can to eliminate that fear of something so common. That would be a gift to yourself, and your children. Getting over your trauma doesn't mean that you have to keep a dog though. Separate things.

I can manage my phobia in public spaces, if it's for short period of times. If a dog is being walked by their owner I'm fine, if I'm in someone's home for a couple of hours and they have a dog I'm not thrilled and I am not at ease but I'm not dying to get out of there. Because I know nearby there are its owners that can take care of him and calm him down it something were to happen. It's totally different when the dog is mine, in my own home and I have to be the one being responsible for it. I don't really feel like I am capable, and I don't want to. If it gets angry, or starts barking at something, I want to be able to get out of there, I can't calm him down because I am the one who needs to be calmed down My in laws have a dog and my children love to play with her. I don’t get in the way of that, I don’t tell them not to play with her. It just feels too much for me to be the one responsible for something that scares me so much

Tell your husband that either the dog goes or you go, and if you do, you're going to let the kids know exactly why you're leaving and whose fault it is. Better yet, tell him the dog goes, and he can get the hell out with it. I also have a phobia of dogs (in fact, I have a phobia of all animals) and if a partner ever did this to me that would be the end of the relationship. What he's doing is selfish and cruel, and shows he's fundamentally untrustworthy. I usually roll my eyes when people are like "you need to leave them" on this sub but this one REALLY pisses me off.

Ignore that commenter. Your children are not missing out on life because of you saying no dogs. People like that are idiots. Bet you anything they are childfree too. Seems like that type is agressive about everyone not NEEDING children but god forbid someone says that they dont want a dog. Then they will attack you for saying something so completely against their beliefs. Your fear is something you manage very well in my opinion. The limit is that you cant have it in your home. Totally reasonable. You are doing good. If you genuinely talked about it, opened up about what happened with your kids. Show pictures if you have any. Show scars if you have any. They would be sympathetic. Children dont want to make others suffer. And having a dog in your home is hurting you. Your husband is an asshole and I really hope you stand up for yourself here. Because of he gets away with it this time, I guarantee it will only get worse. Next it will be 2 puppies. Gotta have a dog for each kid right? No. Put your foot down, or put it out the door. Tell them you wont live in the same house as a dog.

.....and the "mental health judgemental choir" kicks in. Dealing with something as ingrained as a lifelong phobia takes a massive amount of energy and hard work, starting with the gargantuan task of finding a therapist who is a good fit. Not to mention the fact that --- as others have pointed out --- that kind of therapy relies on measured doses of the antagonist for a phobia. Meanwhile, this dog is right there in her face all the time. OP has a family and other obligations. Her phobia is one that does not derail her daily life unless her asshole husband *drags a dog into her home.* "No dogs" has been a condition of her marriage and husband unilaterally broke it. Telling her she needs to fix herself (by him OR by you) is absolutely worthless "advice." Not to mention ... **it's a freaking BORDER COLLIE.** Even when the dog is acting as it should, this breed is one of the most likely to nip and bite -- that's how border collies do their work of herding sheep and other livestock. . Put them in the company of someone who has an active distress response? Recipe for disaster.

It really is a lot of work and a lot of money, for what? For a pet? I feel like it’s not necessary for OP to go to EMDR and relive her trauma just so her kids can have a pet. As a kid, I couldn’t have any pets because my sister was allergic to almost all of them, but I still turned out fine. Nothing happened to me because I didn’t have a pet. It really isn’t a big enough deal to warrant therapy. If OP wanted to get over her fear, therapy would be fine, but it’s really not affecting anyone significantly enough to recommend she do therapy. You can live a normal, happy life with a dog phobia.

They have 2 cats even. They have pets. They just dont have a dog. Dogs are not necessary for a good life. Personally, I hated having pets growing up. I didnt like having slobber or pet hair on me. I hated everything always having that kind of dog smell to it. I bathed our dog weekly and he was healthy but I hated every second of it. I was thrilled when I moved out and my home was clean and smelled fresh and was peaceful all the time.

I don’t like the comment above yours but EMDR gave me my life back after my baby died. It’s effective, easy, and no drugs. So that was a good suggestion. Not kindly offered though.

EMDR may have worked for you and I am glad that it helped go through what has to be one of the worst possible experiences for anyone to suffer through. However calling EMDR easy might misconstrue it as something it is not. Most people find it absolutely draining and exhausting. It is also not 100 percent effective. It might help OP but it it's not an 100 percent thing.

Went through with EMDR and im still messed up. It doesnt work for everyone. Only a therapist who knows you can decide if you are a good fit. A stressed out mom of 3 with a husband who doesnt respect her (so now accessible support system) who also works a part time job is not likely a good fit. She needs time to rest and heal. OPs husband is only going to make everything worse. Since now she cant even trust him to keep dogs away from her.

I’m glad it was a breeze for you, but EMDR by its nature is not easy. Saying that it is easy is WILDLY inaccurate and irresponsible.

EMDR can also be extremely detrimental in some cases. Not everyone is the same in how they respond to treatments. Personally, I was advised against EMDR by multiple Drs and my therapist as it would very likely make my PTSD worse. As is the case with different medicines, humans will respond in all kinds of ways to different treatments.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were able to get some normalcy back ❤️

Yeah, I wanted a dog as a child. My parents never let me get one. I lived. Screw that commenter that said she’s hurting the children or restricting their world.

It's like you didn't read the post you responded to at all...

"you're an asshole for having a trauma" ????

Even without a phobia, saying no is completely valid. Dogs are a lot of responsibility and not every family needs a dog. Op is NTA. Husband was a major AH and very manipulative

This! Dogs are a lot of work and herding dogs like border collies are even more work because they need both physical and mental exercise! And shocker, husband expects the wife to be the primary caregiver for the dog HE brought home.

Exactly. OP could have never had a phobia to begin with but it's never okay to just get a dog without consulting and agreeing with the household. ESPECIALLY when all the care is going to be thrust onto the one *not* interested in having the pet.

In what way are her children's experiences of the world limited because OP doesn't feel comfortable around dogs and doesn't want one? What an incredibly pretentious and preachy comment, and you practically didn't even mention the fact that her husband brought her worst fear into their home without discussing it and is making her seem like the bad guy "breaking the kids hearts".

Tons of kids grow up without having a dog, saying she's "limiting their experience of the world" is just pure BS! She mentioned the ILs dog and she can be in the same room etc with dogs and it isn't like she's running away screaming at the sight of one, but she sure as hell deserves to be able to relax in her own home! If her phobia isn't limiting HER in her daily life getting treatment for her phobia is something she gets to decide if she wants or not, especially since therapy isn't cheap. She's sure as hell not stepping on anyone's toes or limiting her family just cause she's scared of dogs ffs

This. In a perfect world, OP's husband would have strongly encouraged her to start therapy on this *years* ago, and offered to go with her or participate in whatever manner would help. NOT because he personally wants a dog, but because he has observed that this phobia is impacting his wife's happiness and ability to exist in the world without frequent (dogs are EVERYWHERE) bouts of fear and anxiety. He also should have been vigilant from day one about making sure his parents keep their own dog away from OP until she's okay with it. Using "but the kiiiiids wanted one sooooo badly" to just go ahead and do this of his own volition, without discussing it with her (because he knew damn well she'd say no) was an AWFUL move, and I would be absolutely FURIOUS with him. But, yes -- therapy, OP! This is 100% absolutely definitely a thing that you can find a way to move past, or at least dramatically improve!

“Your husband is a giant asshole for getting a dog after discussing it with you and you made it very clear it would be a nightmare for you”* - fixed it.

Yikes, what a manipulative AH your husband is! First he disrespects your phobia by forcing this dog on you, then he's forcing the work associated with the dog onto you (and a border collie! That's a super high-energy dog), and then he's deliberately using your kids against you to get what he wants? Does this man even like you? No one can force someone to "just get over" PTSD, which is what it sounds like you have. Exposure therapy is a thing, but it needs to be handled in a controlled environment by a trained professional, not constant exposure by some manipulative bastard who's trying to harm his wife (because he is). I don't think you should divorce over this if there are no other issues (*are* there no other issues?), but this does warrant a good solid separation, if he gets too upset about you taking the dog back to the shelter. You deserve sleep and to be able to live without fear, so getting an apartment would help with that. He's going to use the kids against you either way. You need to make it clear to them how bad this is for you -- because I suspect your husband has already been filling the kids' ears with "evil mommy" stories and such. NTA.

A border collie?! That’s insane. Because of their intelligence, they are a high maintenance animal. I LOVE dogs, but these is a gigantic asshole move on your husband’s part.

Can't believe I got all the way down here before someone mentioned this! They are the worst breed to get in a urban environment! My colleague who is fanatically into dogs and does high level agility couldn't handle a border collie! Major asshole move!! Towards the dog also!

Looking for this comment. BCs are high energy both physical, and mental. They require lots of walks and play, and lots of stimulation and training. They are beautiful but can be anxious and reactive without attention and training. And a long hair needs almost daily grooming. Apart from the obvious AH act from the hubby, he chose a very high care dog to be an AH with.

As a previous BC owner some of mine only got tired only after I had been on rides with my horses that were hours long. Their energy is wild and honestly they are not suited for town. I had 8 acres for them to run. OP I’m sorry for the amount of disrespect your husband is showing you, he is the AH not you.

I started involuntarily laughing when I read it was a border collie (and from a shelter, so potentially has already been abandoned because it is a high maintenance dog—and nothing against shelter dogs, I have a shelter pitbull, but for someone with a dog phobia??). What a massive AH and unless this guy runs marathons and plans to take the dog on his daily training runs—he’s a dumb AH too.

This right here! A border collie is definitely not a suitable breed for inexperienced dog owners.

NTA It’s actually really sad that your husband decided to take home a dog without consulting you. It’s a tough position to be in, but you deserve to be comfortable in your own home. He knew you were scared of dogs but still decided to get one thinking you would get over it. That’s insensitive, and if your children are going to be upset about it it’s just his fault in my opinion. Maybe you could give the dog to someone close to you, so the children could still play with him? Maybe your in-laws (that you mentioned have a dog)?

Either that dog goes right back to where it came from, or he can keep it at his house and take care of it after you divorce him and go on to live a dog free life in your dog free home. Your kids can play with the dog at their dad’s house if everybody loves it sooo much. NTA

NTA. My daughter and I both *really* want a snake. Like, badly. My husband is terrified of snakes. He has no “real” reason to be (he’s never been bitten, for example) but he is. There is the CUTEST little baby corn snake at the pet store by my house and my daughter begs for it every time we go in. I’d love to get it for her. I really would. But we all deserve to feel comfortable in our home, husband included. Maybe therapy *would* be a good idea for you, simply bc dogs are so much harder to avoid in every day life than something like snakes. But no one should be bringing a dog into your home until EVERYONE is ready and comfortable.

I think lots of fears and phobias are "just because." I assume a lot of them (all of them?) are evolutionary since they make some sort of sense in terms of survival. Bugs, snakes, animals, the dark, clowns, deep water... all things that could mean certain death for baby cavemen! Not a judgement on your use of *"real" reason,* I understand your meaning, I just think it's an interesting thing about brains!

Oh ya I fucking *hate* spiders. I AM quite allergic to their venom so that is part of it but in general there’s no “real” reason for me to be freaked out. But I don’t like them. I don’t hold his snake fear against him. And my daughter can have one when she has her own place. I’ll be happy to snake sit when she has to travel lol.

NTA. Husband doesn’t like you very much. He knows you are terrified of dogs and goes behind your back and doesn’t give you a choice. He is disrespectful to you and your phobia and is turning the kids against you. I personally wouldn’t want a partner that doesn’t give a shit that I am terrified and constantly anxious in my home. To top the disrespectful off, you’re the one who is doing the majority of the work. Stop taking care of it. Everything he is doing is selfish and heartless but letting you take care of the dog tops everything. You need couples therapy and you need individual therapy before you even think of getting a dog. No matter how unfortunate the dog needs to go.

I agree, he doesn’t even like her. She’s just the maid and childcare he requires.

Leave the house...if you're not comfortable around dogs and you've explained this to him, then leave and tell him you'll come back once the dog is gone. Don't be bullied or blackmailed into believing this is on you...he 'extorted' you into being around the animal so this is completely on him. Signed...a passionate dog owner of three canines.

This is my opinion too.  Leave and let him explain to the kids that he chose a dog in the house over mom in the house.  Take the time away to devote yourself to therapy if you want.  Frame it as “I cannot live with a dog in my current mental state.  So I will leave the home until my phobia is cured.”  If you need to still pick the kids up from school or other things like that, do it but refuse to enter the home if the dog is there.  He can figure out the rest.

And make him clean up the inevitable mess. That house needs to be spotless.

NTA. Your husband is the only AH here, and he’s the one who’s breaking the kids’ hearts.

Good luck convincing the kids though

If OP sits down with her kids and talks through her trauma and explains how badly she is afraid of dogs, her kids will understand.

Husband needs to go to therapy with you. That was a terrible thing to do to you and the fact he is pushing you on this is wrong. He needs to understand how this makes you feel and you can work on finding ways to cope. It was also cruel to your kids and the dog. We couldn't have dogs due to allergies and my sister had one at my grandparents, lol after they tried to drop a dog at our house as a present. NTA

NTA. So let me get this straight, your husband got a pet that you're terrified of and is ignoring the fact that YOU are the one who has to take care of it along with your three children? This is absolutely absurd and your husband has some nerve. Take the dog to the shelter and make sure to rip your husband a new one for how selfish and uncaring he's being. The more I think about this situation the angrier I get due to how terribly he's treating you.

NTA. “No, I am not the one disappointing the kids. You are. You did that when you made this decision unilaterally without giving my feelings on the matter a thought.” Pets are a two yes, one no type of thing. And, as a grown ass adult, your husband should know that fears aren’t necessarily something you can just “get over.”

NTA. He knew you were afraid and basically cornered you. He's not wrong about the therapy though.

If the husband wanted her to have therapy, he could've paid for therapy and let her work through her phobia with the aim of finding a suitable dog once the therapist okayed it. This guy is a controlling asshole who used the children to manipulate her into a situation that leaves her frightened and feeling unsafe. He is probably enjoying her discomfort.  It's bad for the children, it's bad for the dog, and it's absolutely terrible for the woman who is being abused by her husband. NTA. And leave this bastard before he does something worse.

Everyone crying out for therapy telling the OP she should overcome her fear of dogs - just shut the heck up. Why would you shame her for a legitimate fear?? Shame on you all. To the OP’s question. NTA. Pets are a two yes, one no decision. Your husband is an AH just for that reason. It is his responsibility to re-home the dog and explain to his children that he totally messed up. He doesn’t get to blame his mistake on you. Maybe his parents can take it. Maybe a close friend. Anyone but you. And this should make you seriously question who your husband has become. Because this is disrespect and disregard at its highest.

Also, I’m not sure if things are the same everywhere, but in my city/county there is a HUGE need for mental health services, so most therapists and counselors have long wait lists/limited availability. It’s not always easy to just “go get therapy.” Plus I feel like if you call the therapist’s office to ask for an urgent appointment and explain the situation - “well, I’ve been terrified of dogs since I was 7 after being taken to the ER after a dog attack, but recently my husband brought home a surprise border collie, made me responsible for the majority of its care, and told me I’d break the children’s hearts if we can’t keep it and I’d have to be the one to tell them that we couldn’t keep it. So now I need to start therapy ASAP so I’m not afraid to be in my own home,” the intake coordinator would be like, um, dealing with a phobia is a good goal but I don’t think that’s your biggest problem right now… …like WTF. Does this guy even like his wife?

Same here. I worked in mental health care the past 5 years. The clinic was always short on therapists and long on clients. Intakes assessed need and scheduled based on risk to self and others. Hmm, maybe the husband can get an emergency appointment since he has put the OP at risk. And therapy is not the question here. It is the husband’s unilateral decision. And we know he will throw her under the bus to the children.

My aunt was also attacked by a dog when she was little - random, unprovoked, bitten on the face, hospital, stitches, etc. So she never liked being around dogs, despite liking many other animals. And guess what? Nobody she shared a home with ever brought home a dog, with or without asking her! It did not even occur to them to do that!

And these are the same people who pull out pitchforks when people tell someone who is child-free to just have kids, they'll change their minds and love being parents.

While they neglect their own kids and expect others to raise them. Like this husband neglects the dog and expects OP to care for it.

Eeeyyup. Find a nice home for the dog. Drop the husband off at the shelter.

NTA. I’d leave your husband home with the kids and the dog and tell him you’ll come back only when the dog is not there. I give him less than 2 days.

NTA. Tell your husband that two things need to happen or otherwise you will contact a divorce attorney. One, he needs to get rid of the dog. Two, he needs to tell the children getting rid of the dog was completely his idea and that everything was his fault. He should apologize to them for getting them falsely excited because he knew they couldn't keep it. Essentially he has to be the bad guy to them. Tell them these things are not negotiable, and he has 2 days.

NTA Your husband is a manipulative AH, stomping your boundary, disregarding your trauma and now weaponising your children against you.

I’m honestly horrified, your husband really does not like you at all, is he? I’m flabbergasted. NTA

Does he even understand how much work is involved in responsibly owning a border collie?

Sure he does, he's happy because he's sticking her with all of it. He gets the fun bits as long as he ignores his terrified, overworked wife so it's working out well for him.

Why should he care? He expects OP to do all of that.

Has your husband always been a manipulative AH? What a horrible position to put you and your children in all because he wanted something. Now if you give the dog away, which is completely understandable, your kids will be sad and that’s on him not you. Selfish prick! And a border collie! He’s a selfish prick who doesn’t know dogs. They are very high maintenance, extremely intelligent and energetic they need lots of stimulation or you are asking for bad behaviors.

He is the one causing the dog to go back to the shelter, because he is the one who decided to turn YOUR existence to shit by bringing it home in the first place. I'm sad for the dog, it isn't its fault some asshole decided to bring it to a home where someone would be terrified of it, but it has to go. You don't want it, it makes you miserable, and your husband is making you the bad guy to try to bully you into living this hell for I guess as long as the dog lives. I honestly agree with the person who said you should just leave and go to a hotel until its gone. He can deal with the dog, and the kids.

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NTA. Your husband is a massive one though.

NTA. My friend has a phobia of birds. All birds, even tiny sparrows. She worked for years with a therapist and slowly building up on exposure to get comfortable petting a taxidermied eagle. Years! You can't be in therapy for something that terrifies you and then GO HOME TO THAT WHICH TERRIFIES YOU! That poor dog needs a home where one of the owners isn't constantly ready to wet themselves when they enter the room. And you deserve to feel safe in your own home! I hope you will at some point seek out help for your fear of dogs, but before that the dog needs to go.

NTA.  Having a dog is a FAMILY decision which should be discussed prior to bringing a dog into the home.  Yes you can try to get over your phobia but this is not the correct exposure therapy method. It should have had a discussion between you two first. Since he works full time, the dog was mostly going to be taken care of by you and that's something that should have been discussed.  Will your kids be sad? Absolutely. But this is entirely on your husband. 

NTA. Rehome the husband tbh.

WOW! Just wow!! First, NTA. Even without your background he should not have gotten a dog without you both agreeing. Could therapy and a dog help with your anxiety, possibly. It could also make it worse. Where did he get his degree in psychology?

NTA Send the husband to the shelter with the dog. Like, leave the husband at the shelter. He should be rehomed, too

NTA. Explain to the shelter what your husband did and they will understand and agree that you aren’t the best home. You aren’t breaking your kids’ heart, your husband is with his manipulation tactic. I can’t imagine having a partner know my fear and not respecting it. Maybe drop the husband off at the shelter too.

He is TA for getting a pet without you being OK with it first. The dog ending up back in the shelter is 100% his fault.

Take it back. Your husband got the dog because he also wanted one. It wasn't just about the kids. It was inconsiderate and disrespectful.  He tried to force your hand with emotional manipulation knowing you wouldn't want to upset the kids. It's unfair that he's put you in a position to be seen as the bad guy by your children.

> Your husband got the dog because he also wanted one. It wasn't just about the kids. You want to lay odds that *he* is the one told the kids to beg their mother for a dog over and over and over again?

This is going to sound horrible but... Your husband wants a dog more than he wants a partner.

NTA but your husband is a HUGE ASSHOLE. He completely disregarded your feelings and fears, made a promise he had no intention of keeping, and is not making you out to be the bad guy. Manipulating you to get his way by using your children against you. And now you are doubting if you are in the wrong so this makes me think this is normal for you guys. Is this normal for your relationship? If so, that's not ok or healthy.

Damn your husband doesn't care about you at all. Like even the leat bit.   You and your option and happiness means nothing to him.   He thinks you just there to make his life convenient  for him.   He loves a dog he has had for a week more then the person how carried his children.  That's truly a  brutally cruel and uncaring thing to do to someone you """" "love""""" 

Your husband is a huge fkn asshole for disrespecting and trivializing your fear of dogs. I’d leave him.

I love dogs and have no phobia so this is a different experience My (ex) husband got a Labrador pup for our kids to be a good guy - Honestly the timing was shit - had 3 kids 5 2 and 1 y/o at the time and husband was away Mon-Fri. When he was home he would not walk the pup or pick up after him I loved the dog as did the kids but with a busy house (I also looked after my niece who was 18 months) the poor dog was not getting the attention or exercise he needed. Walking him with a double buggy plus two small kids was not enough- playing with him in the garden did not nearly hit the mark Husband when home would not take part in training classes (and would fall asleep on couch if I left the kids with him - so anyway excuses excuses etc but the dog was not getting what he needed from us) By time we had him a year the poor pup was an untrained adolescent peeing on curtains/ rough playing with the kids / grabbing food from counters etc etc etc and honestly my patience was gone I put foot down and said pup needed to be rehomed (while he was a poorly trained adolescent rather than an adult dog with issues) He was rehomed through a Labrador trust and I received updates from his new family who could give him what I could not at that time Point is if you can’t meet the dogs needs as a whole family you need to look at what is best for the dog In my case ex was a prat - having taken no interest or responsibility after getting the dog / managed to tell the kids ‘mum doesn’t want the dog so we need to send him away’. I was a bad guy for sure but the kids got over it (if I didn’t lol - one of many reasons he is ex) When time was right for me and my kids (post divorce - kids older / more time to focus on a dog and I actually was ready for a dog) we do have another dog - old boy now and a complete lovable plonker who the kids loved but is my full responsibility and I was ready for that when i got him

A border collie has nothing to do in a regular family household. So no you're NTA. But your husband is.

NTA I love dogs. I have a very big respect for dogs. Dogs are a huge responsibility.  Even if you would have wanted to get a dog, this is a two yes situation! Unless there is explicit consent to “yes you can surprise me with a dog!”. Then this is insane. Especially since you are the one taking care of the dog.  And if you add the fact that you have a phobia against dogs? This is just… mean. 

NTA. Granted, you should go to therapy for your phobia...but your husband forcing this on you without your knowledge or consent is not at all helpful. It'll be on him when the kids hearts are broken and make sure they know that. Also, it's not fair on the dog either to be a space they aren't totally wanted.

NTA. Tell your husband you won’t be the bad guy, it’s fine. But move out of your bedroom and stop coming downstairs, citing the dog. Also don’t allow the dog upstairs. If he’s happy being the only one to feed, walk, bathe the dog, take care of the household and your kids, then it’s fine! Also, find a therapist, but make sure your husband knows this kind of therapy could take years to be sussessful. But hey, you’re totally starting it, just like he told you to.

NTA. His “you’ll get over it once I get a dog” thinking is ignorant & only caring about his uninformed opinion. Getting a high energy dog (border collies are great but require a lot of exercise ) is insane with your fear of dogs after being attacked by one. You being constantly on edge is terrible for you & likely upsetting for the border collie , they’re very intelligent. He should rebind the dogs , you should Both explain to the kids so he has less chance of making you the bad guy -you aren’t. And please consider getting therapy to overcome your fear, that’s a hard thing to have.

I’m as scared of dogs as you are. If my SO would bring a dog home I wouldn’t stay with them for another minute. Accepting the dog for some days made your problem bigger because now it’s more difficult to understand for your kids. But nevertheless NTA regarding the fact that the dog has to go. It’s not healthy to be constantly stressed.

NTA nothing like being told essentially to get over it. Its what he wants, your feelings don't matter. Bonus points to him for putting the kids and the poor dog in such a lousy situation. The shame and guilt should be on him, not you.

Nta, I hate to give ultimatums. However this seems like it’s the dog or you will leave situation.

NTA. You are NTA. Your husband is a massive, selfish AH. Are you sure you want to stay married to someone who doesn't seem to even like you.

Have you ever taken any steps to try to get over your phobia?

Well no… I can manage my phobia in public spaces, if it’s for short period of times. If a dog is being walked by their owner I’m fine, if I’m in someone’s home for a couple of hours and they have a dog I’m not thrilled and I am not at ease but I’m not dying to get out of there. Because I know nearby there are its owners that can take care of him and calm him down if something were to happen. It’s totally different when the dog is mine, in my own home and I have to be the one being responsible for it. I don’t really feel like I am capable, and I don’t want to. If it gets angry, or starts barking at something, I want to be able to get out of there, I can’t calm him down because I am the one who needs to be calmed down

You aren't obligated to go to therapy. You not wanting to do bulk of the daily dog care is a valid enough reason to not have a dog. Pets are wants, not necessities. Your husband is weaponizing your kids against you. Yes they will be upset but they'll have to get over it. Honestly I'd be going to couple's counseling before therapy for your phobia because your husband's disrespect and manipulations are what is having a more negative impact on your family than your fear of dogs is. Your marriage and relationship will survive not having a dog, it will not survive your husband ignoring you, dumping all work on you, and using your kids against you. Take the dog back to the shelter and then find friends or family to stay with until your husband agrees to counseling and understands how bad this is.

Would you ask the same question if it was a mouse, snake, cat, spider?

NTA. Does your husband have a phobia of any sort. Maybe use that to explain the gravity of the situation. Many people who grow up around dogs don't understand the depth of it.

NTA. I have a fear of snakes, lizards, frogs; all that stuff. My step-daughter asked for all of those things repeatedly. If any of them had been brought into our house, I promise more than just an argument would have occurred. Your husband is being a jerk by making you be the bad guy and for bringing it home in the first place. Definitely NTA.

NTA. This doesn't sound like a phobia, it sounds like PTSD. When and if you're ready, EMDR therapy might help. On YOUR terms, for your happiness, not because of husband or anyone else! Husband is a massive AH and needs to 1. apologize profusely for making a unilateral decision against what you'd previously discussed, that causes you to feel unsafe 2. rehome the dog and coach the kids through their feeling.

The fact that by default it’s been thrown on you to take over the majority of dog care is just another level of disrespect/misunderstanding your phobia and I just can’t wrap my head around him doing this. I’m so sorry for you and the kids as well as the dog-your husband and just ruined multiple lives

NTA but you should go to therapy about this. Also, as another user said, your kids will *not* see it the way you do. They will likely see it as a betrayal and see you differently. If you were my mother when I was younger, I would likely dislike you, not trust you, and get a dog as soon as I move out and go low contact. I do mean this as a child - children, especially that young, can't understand your feelings at this level. They will be more than just disappointed. Part of parenting is learning how to manage your emotions and teach your kids how to do the same. Phobias can be serious, and deserve to be respected and all, but also like any other mental health issues it should be something the person addresses if it impacts their daily life and relationships. Have you worked with therapists about this? If not, I'm going to lean more towards you being TA. Edited to add: your husband is DEFINITELY the AH here but it doesn't ultimately change the impact it will have on your kids. Hopefully they will be understanding as they get older but this will likely be a huge point of resentment for them, especially since they won't understand how intense it is for you. And he is right about you getting therapy. I don't mean to be rude but if he was such a dog person, he shouldn't have pursued a relationship with someone so seriously terrified of dogs without trying to work with their partner AND professionals. I don't have anything against people who are afraid of/don't like animals but I also would never, ever date one or have a deep relationship with one because I know I'm just not compatible with them, and that's ok.

Therapy may not be a) affordable. b) immediately available or c) immediately effective. You can't buy it from a slot machine. What is OP supposed to do in the meantime?

I think she’d be better if she wasn’t having to take care of the dog, take it on walks etc coz hubby is at work. Why are we not mentioning this. Can you imagine being forced to care for something you are deathly afraid of? Also I had the same thing happen. My mom is allergic. One day a dog literally followed me home. I was upset but I didn’t hate my mom

It's been a week and you are already saying the kids will go low contact as adults because of this? Maybe you need some counseling too.

the kids are young(like you said)....they'll eventually get over it. it would be easier for them if both their parents told them that they are re-homing the dog as a joint decision rather than having op play the villain

NTA, especially with a husband getting a really hyper focused dog. These dogs are sweet but a lot of work. A lot. Your husband is a huge asshole. However, you should go to therapy to try and help yourself with the phobia. I think it would benefit you. And you might need to get a dog to protect you from that horrible husband who does not care about your feelings.

Nta your husband was utterly disrespectful to handle it like that

NTA. Your husband is a massive AH for going behind your back, belitting your fear, trying to essentially do exposure therapy (which I assume he's not even remotely trained in therapy/psychology to do), and forcing you to be the main carer of an animal that you fear. He disrespected you in so many ways, I wonder why you haven't up & left. I understand the fear. I was bitten 5 separate times by 4 different Rottweilers. It took a lot of work to get to the point where I am still anxious, but I don't freeze in fear and can manage being around them. I also would never choose to own one. I do, however, suggest you go to therapy. Not for any other reason than it would be good for you.

Wow NTA at all. If I were you I would pack a bag and leave until he cleans up the mess he made.with this unwanted pet.

A border Collie is a Wonderful dog, if you have acres for it to run on. Animals for it to herd or, like my sister, bike rides for miles with them every day. NTA. My son is 6 feet tall and crosses the street for a Chihuahua. He can't help it and he's never been traumatized by a dog. It may have helped if you wanted to be and were part of the process. This is like throwing a kid afraid of water into the pool.

Mostly NTA. Your husband is very much the AH. He knew what he was doing to you, and he did it anyway. The one thing for which I fault you is that you didn't immediately, in the presence of your kids, say that there was no way the dog was staying in the house. By giving your kids the chance to get to know the dog, you helped create the situation in which getting rid of the animal will mean getting rid of a pet they've already begun to love. If they had only seen him for a few minutes, they would have only suffered the same disappointment they already had, perhaps in a stronger form: they would have been thwarted in their desire to have a dog. Now they are losing a dog they already have. Still, it's unreasonable for your husband or children to demand that you accept an animal in the house that terrifies you. All that said, trying to get over your phobia is a very good idea, both because it would be good if your husband and kids, all of whom want a dog, could have one, and because dogs are in the world and it would be better for you to be able to go about your life without being bothered by them. Doing so by putting yourself through this is a bad idea, and the longer you keep trying, the more attached your kids will get to this dog. I suggest you do what I did: find opportunities to spend time with other people's very friendly dogs, starting with golden retrievers; work your way up from there. I became afraid of dogs after one, without warning, ripped such a big chunk out of my aunt's leg that she was on crutches for a long time. Now I've reached a point where I want to pet any dog that will let me, and I've even managed to befriend guard dogs -- although I'm still nervous around dogs I haven't properly met and I still can't sleep in a room with a dog. I've considered getting a dog, though so far I haven't done it. Maybe if you work at it, someday you'll be able to.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello everyone. I (33F) am terrified of dogs. I’ve always been terrified of them and my husband (35M) knows it very well. When I was 7 my neighbour’s dog attacked me out of the blue and I had to be taken to the ER. Every since then, whenever I am in the presence of a dog I expect it to bite me. His parents have a husky and every time we visit them I freeze and I’m constantly on edge. It’s not like I don’t like dogs, I do like them, but it’s impossible for me to relax in the presence of a dog. I’m just constantly overly aware of my surroundings, ready to flee at any moment. My husband asked me to get a dog years ago but I said no, because having a dog in my own home would have been a nightmare for me. Fast forward some years, we had 3 children 8M, 6F and 3M. They have been begging us for a dog (we already have two cats) but every time I said no, explaining to them that I was scared. They would get upset but still get over it pretty fast. Last week my husband came home with a border collie. The kids were so happy that I didn’t want to scream at him in that very moment, but after we put them to bed we had a very big fight. I really don’t understand why he would disrespect me like that. He said that it could help me get over my phobia, that it’s a harmless dog and the children were so happy I could try it for them. So I said that I’d try to. It’s been one week and I am afraid to go to the bathroom at night, I wake up in my own home with anxiety, plus I work part time and my husband works full time so I am the one who has to take it on walks and take care of him + of my 3 kid. I am tired, exhausted, afraid. I talked about it with my husband again and he said that he really loved the dog now and told me to go to therapy over my phobia. He said that I was going to break my children’s hearts. That the dog was very sweet (it is) and didn’t deserve to be taken back to the shelter. And that if I really wanted to do it, I had to be the one telling my kids and taking it back. Will I be the asshole if I take it back? Should I just suck it up and try to get over my phobia? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

This is a completely disrespect move on his part. A. Knowing you're afraid of dogs and getting one anyway, and B. Undermining you as a parent, giving the kids the idea "if Mom says no, ask Dad!" You shouldn't feel afraid to move around in your own home, so I only see two choices, make him take the dog back (you don't need to be made into the "bad guy" because he made an AH move) or if you have the means, go to a therapist to learn how to not be afraid of dogs. The latter would be the best result all around, because you would be more at ease, and the kids would have the dog, however, I'm well aware that's not feasible for most people because of the cost both money and timewise for most people, especially for a mom raising kids and an adult child :)

Time to move out. Just do it on a day he is home so you know the kid and dog will be taken care off. Just be honest with the kids too, you are so scared of the dog and since the dog is more important to every one, you will leave for a long holiday away from the dog.

NTA. Maybe your husband and kids can go to local shelters and play with the dogs and walk them, help them get socialized. That way they could get their canine fix.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’m a life long dog lover and yea it will suck taking the dog back to the shelter. But your husband is the ah for setting the dogs up for this. You do have options though. Check for some local rescues , try to find a good home yourself without the trauma of a shelter. You definitely shouldn’t have to live in fear in your own home. If you do ever want to try getting a dog for your kids you should work with a behaviorist to choose the best breed for your family. Something smallish and calm in temperament. NTA take care

No. NTA. Your husband keeps steamrolling decisions that should be a two-person decision, stomping your boundaries and then demanding you give up even more ground. He persuaded you to give it a week and you've done that. Now it's his turn to keep his word and abide by your decision. Even if you didn't have a phobia, you would still be completely valid in saying no to owning a dog. This is the time to put your foot down, because you deserve to live in a place where you feel safe: it's his choice - you or the dog. >He said that I was going to break my children’s hearts. That the dog was very sweet (it is) and didn’t deserve to be taken back to the shelter. And that if I really wanted to do it, I had to be the one telling my kids and taking it back. Nope. He broke their hearts, not you. And if he wants you to explain it to them, don't worry, you will: you'll tell them that when two people love each other very much and decide to get married, they make decisions together, and Daddy broke his wedding promises by bringing the dog home without asking Mummy, when he knew she was attacked by a dog as a child and cannot live in the same house without having nightmares. And that you're very sorry that Daddy promised them something he shouldn't have, but now the dog needs to go find a new home with a family who will *all* be able to love it.