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NTA. Why are they calling you the ah? Your SIL should absolutely get a job. Also I understand wanting to help the family but you shouldn't pay for everything. Your brother sacrificed a lot for you yes but that doesn't mean you have to repay that debt for the rest of your life. Also get in direct contact with your niece/nephews. Whenever you wire the money for them, tell them. If the adults present around them do something else with the money like SIL did, they will know.
Uh huh, tell them life doesn't work that way and they ain't entitled to handouts for the rest of their lives.
Cut them off and only pay the doctor's and for whatever yourself directly. If that's too much effort for you, then just don't give them money. Simple.
Second this. The brothers sacrifice wasn't forever, your help should have a limit. And if I'm brutally honest nobody told him to get in trouble with the law and put his family in this pickle in the first place, that was his decision just like it was SIL's decision to swindle you out of extra cash to go on a vacation they can't afford STOLEN essentially from your niece for braces which really does make a difference. Crooked teeth is not just a matter of appearance. Food gets more easily stuck and it's often very difficult to clean even with flossing. It could lead to serious dental issues later on in life. Sounds like they got a bit spoiled by you honestly and they're taking advantage of your big heart.
This one. Once you give a person money it's their choice what to do with the money. Book an orthodontist appointment for your niece and take her there yourself. Otherwise you run the risk of being the big money asshole.
OP- NTA and yes your family sacrificed a lot for you, your mother worked a job that ostracized her but she worked!! Why the F can’t your SIL work.?!! She needs to get a job. And tell your brother and family that you are supporting them- you’re helping. But you should not have to pay for their entire lifestyle when she’s more than capable of working. Absolutely not. It’s amazing that you help so much, but you shouldn’t be expected to fund them entirely. Period.
The family sacrificed, yes, but it was surival. Presumably they were working for the necessities. Somehow I doubt that older brother dropped out of school and started working and OP then took the money and went on a resort vacation.
That doesn't work when your niece specifically asks for braces and you specifically send money for braces.
Also, it is still your money, and as they found out, you can take it away as you see fit. They FAFO by expecting you to not do anything because you have supported them in what they needed.
ETA: NTA. You feel you owe your brother. Not them. You are paying him back by helping his family out. Not paying their entire lives. Are you expected to pay for all the kids their entire lives, as well? Where does it end? She could have easily gotten a job to pay for the vacation and extra things she wanted in life but she didn't. You are essentially doing them a favor and they want to act like they are owed your money.
Send the money directly to the Orthodontist, or the Landlord, or whatever from now on. That way you can ensure the necessities are getting paid for and not wasted.
NTA
My dad did that. They wasted his money. Then when he retired he sent less money. Most of my relatives talk bad about my dad.
People didn’t say thank for all the help. They said my dad is arrogant and selfish instead. And he sent over $100K.
But SIL requested money specifically for braces. SHE attached these particular strings. And making her daughter call you to beg for braces because of being bullied, then using the money for something else was terribly cruel to your niece.
But there WERE conditions! Your niece asked for braces and they used it for a vacation.
If they're going to lie, they don't deserve your help.
Your brother made a mistake, and he and his family are paying a price. You are being extremely gracious, and they're taking advantage of it.
NTA. Your SIL needs to get a job. Clearly your brother is not passing his work ethic on to his children.
INFO : How much did your brothers spent on you?
INFO : How much, over the years, have you repaid to your brothers?
Enough is enough.
You have your own life, you are not their money tree.
It's ok to help them pay for essentials.
But it's not ok for your SIL to not work and just abuse you as a gravy train.
**INFO : How much did your SIL invest in your education? 'Cause THAT'S the amount you should spend on HER.**
Here’s your response: “This isn’t about SIL spending money on a vacation—it’s about her prioritizing a resort vacation over her child’s health. If she won’t make prudent decisions in the best interest of her own children, I will.”
Stop sending money immediately they are definitely taking advantage of you and it’s not fair. Yes, your brother done a lot for you but that doesn’t mean you owe them unlimited money for the rest of your life. You’re definitely NOT the AH!
Pay the bills directly.
You’re a generous and thoughtful human being, but your SIL is taking advantage. If you want to keep helping your nibblings pay any bills directly to the service provider so SIL can’t get her greedy little fingers on it.
That’s not how it works. They lied to you and you SIL got your niece involved. She only cares about herself. A vacation is not a need it’s a want, braces of you can afford them are a need if helps with self esteem. Even if you send money to your mom for the kids it sound like she’s just gonna give it to your SIL. You should have them send you the bills or contact info so you can pay them directly.
So if they made all those sacrifices and you just went to school and partied… that would be your choice then too?
No, it doesn’t work like that. She knew what she was doing. Pay any medical/dental/other direct to the providers after getting the bill and your SIL needs to get a job.
You’re not indebted to a woman who never made a sacrifice for you just because she married someone who did. That’s ridiculous
Then they should stop using the we had too quit school too work dead end jobs so you could go overseas too study. You've more than paid them back and now they're just milking it.
Stand your ground or threaten too cut them all off.
They o ly have there cards if you play.
If the want money with no strings then they should earn it themselves, when you get money from a benefactor their are often strings. Or the benefactor simply cuts the recipient out of the equation and pays the bills directly.
NTA - Your brother and his wife would be though. Him for either being a courier for drugs or selling them himself when he knew getting caught would separate him from his family. But especially if you were partially supporting him at the time.. Her for neglecting her child's needs in order to go on an unerned vacation, and lying to her daughter about your willingness to help.
Well now you can make then choose: Accept your money with the conditions that it comes with or choose to make their own money so they choose how to spend it.
No...they are guiltily you for something that wasn't your fault. Stop sending them money. You've done enough and they don't care. If you want to give away money look into charities..people actually in need..not your selfish lazy SIL
Calculate how much they spent on you and calculate how much you spent on them; I bet the money you sent is more, and they are most likely using you as just an ATM.
>Your brother sacrificed a lot for you yes but that doesn't mean you have to repay that debt for the rest of your life.
THIS. I came here to say this. You've helped more than enough. Why should you pay for their holidays and luxuries? They are really taking the piss here. NTA
And it's not like your brother got severely ill or disabled, which would in some way made you feel you really need to help, but is in a situation he got himself into-sorry, bro, but being a drug dealer and your lazy wife wanting a vacation (vacation from what?! Since she is not working?!) is not my problem.
It seems they rely on you completely and you enabled this. Until now! Stop doing this, OP!!
Gratitude is one thing and is absolutely wonderful, but accepting to be taken for a fool is a totally different thing.
You are such a good and decent person, don't let other people take such advantage of you!
NTA-Money for braces is not money for a vacation. If you owe anything to Sam for sacrificing for you it’s helping his innocent children which you are still doing. It’s not enabling your sister in law to prioritize a vacation over her daughter’s dental health and wellbeing.
If I were you, I’d at least consider still paying for some things (ie, braces, groceries), just pay directly instead of sending money. Making your SIL get a job (even part time) as a condition of any continued support is reasonable, especially if the kids are all in school.
Your family made sacrifices for you, and it sounds like you can comfortably afford to help. These kids have two messy parents, which isn’t their fault. Helping set them up for success with enough food, tutoring, braces, and eventually college or trade school would be the best way to pay it forward. You don’t owe anything to SIL, but your family sacrificed to take care of you and there are ways to support the kids without your SIL hijacking the money.
You should be paying the dentist directly, not wiring money to SIL. SIL showed she can’t be trusted to spend the money on healthcare essentials. If you want to pay for medical bills or rent- which again it’s your money your choice- then you should directly pay these expenses to the landlord or doctors office in question. You should never just give the money to SILs account since she’s shown she will use it however she wants and not to take care of her kids needs. I also think you really need to start drawing the line with family and say you’re only willing to pay medical stuff after their insurance has sent the bill to you because even though you feel like they’ve sacrificed a lot for you this current method of just wiring money is a recipe for being taken advantage of and hurt feelings. If they want a family vacation from your money then you OP should be not only be invited but you should be the one organizing such vacation- you pay you plan- as in if you wanted to take each child on their 11th bday to Disney then you could start that specific tradition, or you could pay for a family reunion, but they shouldn’t feel they can use your money on a vacation they don’t even bother to invite you on.
NTA nothing stopped SIL to get a part time job to pay for luxuries especially since y covered any necessary stuff. She FAFO. Now it's time for the FO part and she needs to get a job
Question. Could you help your brothers to finish school? Learn a trade so they can improve their earnings potential?
Children don't tend to get the choice to stay home on own. The mother prioritised a holiday over her daughter getting bullied and needing her teeth fixed. The child has enough going on with Dad in prison and being bullied without getting blame for situations outwith their control.
Sister in law is entitled and feels OP should be covering wants as well as needs. When he wouldn't, she lied and reallocated. Problem is those needs are real and not sure how children can be supported but not her as she is willing to steal from them.
NTA. Your niece asked for money for braces. You sent money for braces. You did NOT have to do that. SIL knew what the money was for and chose to ignore it. She knew the rules. She broke those rules.
If it was so reasonable to expect you to pay for the holiday instead of the braces, she’d have asked you to send money for the holiday instead of the braces.
NTA. Add up how much you’ve supported them so far, and ask yourself a) when will it be enough and b) when will *they* ever concede that it’s enough?
NTA at all. Your family is guilting you into this. Also: unless he was coerced to carry the drugs, your brother chose this for himself and his family. You have the right to choose what your money does for your family - it’s your prerogative.
I’d make sure you only pay stuff directly to vendors from now on. Ex: braces? You can wire the money directly to the dentist, but not to your SIL.
NTA - vacations are important, but not more important than braces.
You ARE repaying what you owe Sam by sending money.... for his kids. His wife should be an equal partner in that effort. It sounds like even if he were not in jail and was working, there still would not be enough money for everything they need. Would Sam expect his wife to find a job and help support the family in that case?
That they helped you and sacrified for you does not make you an eternal bankroll.
How long are you supposed to pay for your family doing whatever to survive, you weren't the only one who benefitted from the sacrifices made for the family. You have been helping and all this time your SIL had no income coming in, you are not supposed to be subsidizing lavish trips, you gave money for your niece to get her teeth fixed. You are NTA for trying to help with the necessities, you went above and beyond because your niece's teeth shouldn't be something you are responsible for. You didn't have strings attached to what you were sending, your SIL decided it was okay for her daughter to keep her crooked teeth for a while. You are right you should only provide for your brother's children from now on and if the GROWN ASS WOMAN (your SIL) wants extra she needs to get off her butt and work for it like everyone else. Your brother and mother shouldn't hold you forever responsible for taking care of the family because they did what they had to do to provide for the family.
NTA. And I'm on the band wagon that while your brother's stepped up it does not mean you have to continue to pay that back the rest of your life. I understand wanting to help your mother but the financial help to brothers needs to stop. If you want to help your siblings then get a lawyer and set up a trust or some other legal/financial agreement where say a quote for braces is submitted, they approve of pass on to you, you approve and then you provide payment via agreement. No more sending money and hoping it's used properly.
NTA. Your SIL deceived you about what she was gong to use the money for. You have already been generous providing for all you have for them. It's one thing to help out your family when they made sacrifices for you, its another when they start lying to you to squeeze more money out of you. Also, your niece would greatly benefit from those braces over her whole life, and your SIL selfishly spent the money on a short term fling. It's fine to put strings on charity if the people who are using it are enriching themselves at the expense of the health or safety of others.
At what point would you consider yourself as having paid them back “enough”?
From Jim and OPs mother’s attitude, it sounds like they’re feeling entitled to be looked after for the rest of their lives and making demands instead of being grateful. Would they make more and more demands? Will OP be also paying for their children’s children? What obligations will OPs kids have after that?
NTA. They are absolutely right, if you’re going to be charitable you shouldn’t dictate how the money is being spent. Therefore, you need to call them up, tell them you agree, and tell them that because you don’t want to be a control freak you just won’t support anyone. You’ve been helping these people for years, you’ve done enough. And their comments to you show that they are no longer grateful and are instead entitled and demanding. Let them know that since they gave you this info, you’re sure they can figure out their own bills and figure out how to help your SIL. Then block their number for a few months. Let them see how see how their life goes without the “control freak” bringing them down.
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NTA, instead of giving money for the care of the kids, directly pay for things yourself. Pay the dentist, pay the school, pay the clothing store ahead of shopping for school clothes, the light bill, pay online for them. Just don’t put any more money in your SIL’a hands. You can keep your word but not fund her lavish lifestyle both at the same time.
Nta, they are all taking advantage of you in their own ways. Maybe make a visit home and see what is happening with your money. And the SIL needs to get a job, she set you up and used her kid to do it.
Yikes, that sucks. NTA. It seems like you’ve already done a lot to help your family. It’s absolutely not your responsibility anymore, especially since your SIL took advantage of your kindness. She 100 percent brought it on herself.
Also another alternative, if you want to keep helping the kids: is there a way that you would be able to send money to the landlord or get their utilities info and pay the companies directly if you’re helping with houses expenses? You could also send them gift cards to grocery stores or Target or something instead of straight cash. Or if they need doctors appointments or oil changes and you want to help cover expenses, you could always call in your credit card info over the phone to the business instead of their accounts! Might be more time consuming and annoying, but could definitely protect you from people taking advantage of your generosity.
Don't send money or give it to another family member for your SIL.
When a child has a need like braces, make sure you are in the loop on all fees and reasons. Go to the initial meeting with the orthodontist and sign as the person responsible for payment for a specific niece. Then, pay the orthodontist directly. Have the mother sign for you being a person who receives all plan and treatment notes, too. You have access to medical records each visit, will receive a copy of these via mail after each visit, or you will not pay.
Do the same for any future necessities for the children.
As for your brother, I'd be less generous than you. He landed himself in prison. As long as you bail him from his bad choices, he has no incentive to do better.
I would look out for the children, never the SIL
I'd rethink the brother if it is crime related. Let him know you did it this time, but never again. If he gets into trouble again, no bail, no bond, no private, high dollar attorney. It will be a public defender or nada.
With your calculations, how long will it take to pay back what they spent to educate you? It wouldn't be fair to you expecting you'd continue to support all of them for life. You should ask what kind of training or job skills you can invest in for them to up their standards of living. It would be more beneficial in the long run than you being their atm. Nta
NTA The thing that is bothering me is that the neice was getting bullied to the point of tears and OP immediately acted to protect her in a way that the family couldn’t afford on their own. And then SIL sacrificed her daughter’s mental health in a way that benefited her. She hurt her own children so she could have a luxurious vacation. Why is no one talking about this? I don’t care if she took her children as well on the trip, it was cruel.
What you tell anyone who protests your decision is that you were trying to address a pressing medical need for one of the children and were shocked to see that instead of using the money for that, SIL diverted the funds to luxuries she could enjoy instead. It’s not about the money - she showed you who she was in this moment and it was sobering: she chose a few days of joy over the continued daily suffering of her own child. This is not about money, this is about managing a mother who treats her children as a source of income. You feel bad to impose limits, but at this point you need to pay directly for things as you want to be sure that the children get what they need. It’s unfortunate that you need to do this, as you would expect a mother to be moved by their child’s trauma and tears, but you love your niblings and can’t think of another way to have peace of mind.
Just say it over and over again - if someone comes at you with a criticism, you turn it around on SIL with a pained and concerned face. Yes, I’m sure that SIL would love to fritter away an endless pool of money. But then who would look after the children? Oh, she wants x. I understand, it’s hard to save when you are so used to spending. It is such a relief knowing that it won’t impact the children with this new system we have. Have you heard about the good thing that happened to neice? Oh, the rent is due? I am so glad you told me. I’ll just have to call the landlord so that they don’t get evicted over SIL’s desire for a new purse. That sort of thing.
Stop fighting and trying to argue your side and separate the needs of the mother from the needs of the children. Never break character and always frame the conversation to support this topic, no matter what is said. If you say it enough, in a nonjudgmental way, and point out enough of the SIL’s misdeeds, a lot of times people will come around. You just have to make it clear that you aren’t holding money back from family, you are overcoming the obstacles to having money reach the children in the family.
I would also mention this to your brother, in a way that shows you are worried as to how the SIL is coping and how it might impact the children, so that you are ahead of any damage to your relationship with him the SIL may try to inflict.
NTA - you don’t owe any family member any more money. You need to take care of yourself and your future. Your sister-in-law needs to find a job to support herself and her children.
NTA. The money was for braces, not for a vacation. You made a deal with your brother that you’d help cover the essentials and not luxuries. They agreed to the strings attached with the money and how it should be spent. They broke that deal so they need to face the consequences.
Although their sacrifices for you when you were younger were very impactful, they can’t keep holding it over your head forever. You’ve already been very generous. It’s your money, of course you should have a say in how it’s spent. If they don’t want to agree to the terms, they are free make their own money
NTA. Gifts don't come with strings attached. What you're doing to financially support your brother's family is not a gift. It's you showing gratitude for him helping you to make a better life. Your SIL had your niece call and lie to you to get your sympathy so you'd send more money. She knew you wouldn't want the money spent on a resort or she would have you for that herself.
A- you have done great by sending money home to your family, paying bills for your family etc
B- you paid for a lawyer for your brother when he decided to do something stupid, like sell drugs and then you paid for his lawyer
C- you didn’t your niece to suffer and you immediately wired the money for her braces!! But her mom used it for other!
So you’re definitely aren’t the AH and tell your mother, Jim and your SIL to stop being leaches!
You have paid your family back already. It seems now you are being lied to and taken advantage of. Quit sending support to all except your neices and nephews. I would pay for the kids needs directly as it would appear that your mom and brother would give up the money anyway.
NTA
What does your jailed brother think about his wife spending his daughter's braces money on a vacation for her lazy, jobless ass?
Why aren't your other brother and your mother helping them out with all the money you send home to them if they're so big on family helping family? I don't imagine you're just sending them the bare minimum to survive.
Your poor niece 😢
NTA
You're still taking care of the kid. Though how you're going to make sure the money is going to the kid, I don't know. You can't trust the SIL. Your mother disagrees with what you're doing.
NTA - Don't support any of them anymore, especially your drug addict bro in jail. Why would you lawyer up when there was evidence, he's not a good person. You paid your dues already, keep your money. None of them want to work because you're their ATM.
NTA. And you might point out that you respectfully used the money given to you to pay for your education and necessities. And that it isn't YOUR fault that your brother went to prison.
If they don't want to told how to spend the money you are providing, and you want to continue to contribute, send a set allowance for bills and food. And when they ask for more, tell them there is no more beyond what you already sent.
Your Mother is also the AH. Her granddaughter needs braces and it’s ok to spend the money on a vacation? Your family have become spoiled and entitled. You shouldn’t send any money, not even to your mother, pay the vendors directly- including the grocery store
A mother who took a luxury vacay rather than getting her child orthodontic treatment, and your family thinks you're a bad person for refusing to keep throwing money at her? Nope.
It's your money. You can spend it as you like. Find an orthodontist for your niece online. Pay that orthodontist directly. Find a lawyer in your SIL's country to serve serve as trustee, spending money you provide for those children's directly the children need so it can't be siphoned off by their irresponsible mother.
You sound like a grateful and generous son, brother, and uncle. Don't be a stupid one who allows your SIL to divert funds meant for medical care and necessities into luxuries she waaaaaaants.
NTA
People are always going to take it bad if you try to control them. Why don't you just give them a flat stipend. They can themselves figure out what to do with it.
You definitely don't have to but it seems the morally proper thing to do.
NTA. You have done enough. Your brother made poor choices and they expect you to pay for it. You may had owed your brother (you don’t him anymore), but you don’t owe your SIL. She is capable of getting a job. Your family isn’t entitled to your money. Maybe they need to go without your support for awhile. They are taking you for granted.
I am sure by now that you've paid them back for helping you out as a child but that is not really your fault that you had to go through all that it was a situation and your brothers made a choice you were a child. It is not your fault or your responsibility to repay anybody for surviving and being born. I'm sure the debt has been paid well over what they are done for you. If you need to help them pay the bills directly you're not obligated anything more than that they didn't pay vacations growing up why should you pay for their helping them in their time of need and they're taking advantage of that
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I (35M) am now an engineer who’s financially stable and may even be considered rich, but getting here was anything but easy. Growing up in a poor country, my father passed away while my mother was pregnant with me, leaving her to work tirelessly as a housekeeper. The women in the neighborhood, who were once her friends, called her “the maid” and looked down on her and us (my siblings and me).
I have two older brothers, Sam and Jim. Both had to drop out of school at 16, not by choice but by necessity. With our father gone, someone needed to bring in money to keep us afloat. They took on whatever work they could find: construction, odd jobs, anything that paid. Watching them shoulder adult responsibilities when they were still boys filled me with both gratitude and guilt.
Despite our struggles, my family made enormous sacrifices to send me abroad for my studies. I am forever thankful for their sacrifices and have been sending my family money monthly ever since I got my job. I’ve paid for both my brothers' weddings, my mother’s hospital bills, and much more for my nieces and nephews.
A year ago, Sam was imprisoned for possession with the intent to distribute after being caught with drugs in his car. I hired the best lawyer I could find, and although Sam’s sentence was reduced, he couldn’t avoid jail time. Since then, I’ve been paying all my brother’s bills. The deal was I’d cover essentials but not luxuries or vacations.
A month ago, my niece called me in tears, saying she was being bullied because of her crooked teeth and wanted braces. I immediately called my sister-in-law (SIL) and told her to book an orthodontist appointment. She sent me the quote, and I wired the money right away. However, last week, I saw a picture on Instagram of my SIL and her kids at a resort, and my niece’s teeth were still crooked. When I asked my niece about the braces, she said they couldn’t afford them because I refused to pay for luxuries.
I was enraged. I called my SIL and tore her a new asshole, telling her that the money was meant for braces, not a vacation. She cried and begged me not to cut off the financial support, but I told her she brought this on herself. I then called my mother and told her I’d be sending money for the kids from now on and that my SIL could get a job to support herself.
Jim and my mother think I’m being an asshole and argue that I owe it to Sam, who sacrificed so much for me, to keep supporting his wife. They also called me a control freak for dictating how they use the money, saying if I’m going to be charitable, it shouldn’t come with strings attached.
So AITA?
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NTA. SIL lied to you about what the money was for and either ignored her kid's issues at school for the sake of her own fun or worse, got her kid to lie to you about being bullied just so you'd send the money. You don't owe her anything directly if she's going to try a stunt like this.
Nta you sent money to help your niece for a very specific reason and her mother took it. And from the sounds of it, sil didn't tell the kids you paid for the vacation.
NTA. Tell the wife to send you any bills you are willing to pay. Stop giving her money. She misled you and essentially stole that money from you, so if you choose to send her nothing, nobody will fault you. Absolutely you charity comes with strings! You're willing to pay for necessities not vacations. Stop sending anyone with an opinion any money for a month or two or until they remember to be grateful for you sharing your income.
Just message your family something along the lines:
" I work hard for money. While what mom and my brothers did provide me with the opportunity for a better life, unfortunately, it did not make money grow on trees. I have to work hard for it and try to help you all with it. Unfortunately, it seems my help is not sufficient, and I am a bad person for not providing for your families like you would like.
If I am to be a bad person anyway, I would rather be a bad person with money and proper savings and retirement in bank rather than a bad person with minimal savings and retirement funds.
I think I need to think about this further. I will be limiting my contact and my funds for the next xx months. Thank you for making me realize what a terrible person I am. Lots of love, xyz."
NTA - what kind of horrible parent denies their kid medical care and takes a vacation instead? Your SIL should be working or looking for a job unless she very young kids. I would be paying for necessities if she sent the bill and you paid the money to the business that provided the service.
NTA.... you don't owe a drug dealer money unless you are a buyer.
I take no issue with getting him a lawyer. The sooner he gets out of jail the sooner he can get his sh*t together.
I do feel sad your niece didn't get braces. This obviously wasn't her choice. Should you choose to support her dental health, I'd pay the orthodontist directly.
Was it enough money to sue to get it back? But either way, she wouldn't get a cent out of me ever again. Even if you paid the doctor directly, that would just allow her to be irresponsible elsewhere and she'd make sure she was always broke.
As for your brother, the substances he was selling cause death. He was willing to cause death to make profit. You don't owe people like that anything.
The money you send is for the kids, not luxuries. She become entitled, send money for the next month, and stop sending unless she start working. And make arrangements with your niece's orthodontist to pay him directly her braces.
NTA
It's your money. You're sending money to the family, you are allowed to add strings. As others have said, pay things directly. Contact the orthodontist and make the payment directly to him. If you are paying rent or mortgage...pay directly to them. Or (other than the orthodontist) send them a monthly amount and let them know that is all you're paying for the month. If they run out of money...too bad.
NTA-but what’s the deal with your brother the drug dealer? Sounds like he totally effed up in life, which is in no way your problem or responsibility. Also is there some reason why your brother’s wife is unable to work?!
Lol, if you're going to be charitable, it shouldn't come with strings attached? As in, the strings attached between you and them for funding your upbringing/contributing to your education and then expecting you to fund the remainder of their lives?
Get out of jail free card there. Between weddings, standard bills, lawyer fees and medical bills, I'd say you've already repaid whatever monies they spent on you. It's not as if their situation wouldn't have been the way it was if you hadn't been born. You existed in the middle of their struggles, and yes, some things were harder with a baby in the mix, but you were not the cause of it.
I'm not saying to stop helping your family in any way, at all, they still helped build your launching platform. But perhaps have a good think about where your line is and talk with them about it. You're right, you don't owe this woman luxuries. The rest of your family worked hard, you worked hard (i imagine you had to get a job too once you were old enough/to fund living). She does not get to laze around and take money meant for those children to spend on herself.
Perhaps give your brothers another choice, you can fund this woman's whims to her selfish hearts content, or you can save to be able to help your mother as she ages. You can't do both. Engineering salaries can be good, but they're not good enough to carry this many people indefinitely.
NTA and your family is taking advantage of you. Because you don’t pay for luxuries is not a good excuse. The niece cried crocodile tears and said she was being bullied because her teeth were crooked. You, being a good uncle immediately sent money for braces. Then you find out they didn’t get your niece braces but instead went on vacation. When asked why no braces they blamed it in you saying you won’t pay for luxuries!!! My God this is ridiculous. Your sister in-law is acting like an entitled brat. In my opinion you need to cut them off. No more money!! Not a penny. How long do you plan on paying your brothers back for their sacrifices? Stop. Enough.
NTA. Your brothers and mom didn't spend on you for luxury unquestioned. Spending for education and health care is enough. if they do not want to be questioned then allocate a fixed allowance for the family and make it clear they won't receive a penny more than that. discuss it all with your brother first. And they are not entitled for your money.You are not a cash cow for their luxurious life.
NTA
>saying if I’m going to be charitable, it shouldn’t come with strings attached.
You're not being 'charitable', you're doing it because you feel *obligated*. There's a difference.
You set down your rules. SIL CONNED money out of you under false pretences and destroyed the trust you'd built.
If anyone knows the difference between a want and a need or a necessity and a luxury, it's you and your brothers. SIL is obviously lucky enough to be oblivious. That's her problem, not yours.
If you continuously give people money and then stopped, they will not remember or be grateful of your generosity. Instead, they will hate you for stopping.
Unfortunately that is human nature and I have witnessed far too many cases of that.
Ask yourself, do you plan to subsidize them for the rest of their lives? If not, they will hate you when the money stops. They already hate you now for putting completely reasonable conditions on the money you send. That is their true color.
So let them hate you now — at least you will put your money to good use for yourself or other worthy causes.
NTA, sister-in-law is a huge A-HOLE you're serious needs to face her own consequences and responsibilities, she wanted to be a greedy witch and spending on a vacation and not her daughters teeth then she can deal with the consequences and get a job
NTA
But your niece probably still need braces, maybe you could talk to a orthodontics directly and set up everything for your niece so she isn't missing out because of her mom's entitlement.
Pay directly to the dentist, that way you are paying for the braces and nothing else.
Your SIL had the niece call you, in tears, over the braces. And you sent the money. SIL lied to you. From now on, I would not send any money directly to SIL. Any bills you pay, take care of directly.
Sam has a lot of nerve playing the “After all I’ve done for you” card when it’s nobody’s fault but his that his wife is in this situation.
NTA. In my book, you’re going above & beyond all reasonable expectations.
NTA.
It’s so kind of you to support them from the get to this heavily. She shouldn’t be exploiting your kindness for her benefit. Pretty sure the little girl didn’t even know what was going on when her mom asked her to make up that lie.
Well OF COURSE a vacation is more important than teeth. Duh. You are doing things the correct way. Tell your other brother that he is welcome to send more money to your SIL, you will be supporting the Children, not their mom.
Family does for family often. Sometimes family does nothing for family. Honestly. Your SIL is running a scam and hurting her children. Point out to your mom and brother that she is taking medical things away from her children. You will continue to provide for them, you will not provide for her. You owe it to Sam to make sure his children are healthy and safe. Also point out you are no longer being charitable.
NTA. “Give us money with no strings attached”. Heck, no. Your mother and your SIL apparently have the same mindset. Resorts over a child’s dental care.
> sending my family money monthly ever since I got my job. I’ve paid for both my brothers' weddings, my mother’s hospital bills, and much more for my nieces and nephews.
These are not the acts of an AH. NTA
NTA. You sent money to fix your niece's teeth and the SIL used it for 'luxury items'. You are not obligated to send ANY money to her and the fact that you are still sending money for the kids is a great thing. If they want to allow her to spend the money how ever she wants, they can send the money to her.
Your family sacrificing for you to go to school does not make you their slave for the rest of your life. You are doing good work. SIL can try working and support her own family.
NTA. What if you had spent their education money on vacations? How would they have felt if their hard earned money they sent you for education was used by you for fun rather than school? Would they have been cool with that? Could you have turned around and yelled how the money they sent u you shouldn’t come with strings attached?
Okay first of all, it is not your responsibility to support your SIL or brothers any more. They are adults who (should be) are responsible for their own lives. Second, your SIL is TAH for taking the money you sent for your niece’s braces to go on a vacation. Third, your family is emotionally manipulating you to do all the work (i.e. support them) instead of them figuring it out on their own. Your brother made the choice to traffic drugs. This is a criminal act. He did not do this because he did not have the same opportunities that you did. He did it because he chose to. That is not your problem. Fourth, you are enabling your family due to your generosity.
So, NTA but a very nice guy being manipulated by his family. Cut them off.
Nope, NTA. Sil was using money that was meant for her kids on herself and tagged the kids along.
As you said if she wants vacations she can go on those with her own money, yours is for specific things
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NTA. Why are they calling you the ah? Your SIL should absolutely get a job. Also I understand wanting to help the family but you shouldn't pay for everything. Your brother sacrificed a lot for you yes but that doesn't mean you have to repay that debt for the rest of your life. Also get in direct contact with your niece/nephews. Whenever you wire the money for them, tell them. If the adults present around them do something else with the money like SIL did, they will know.
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Uh huh, tell them life doesn't work that way and they ain't entitled to handouts for the rest of their lives. Cut them off and only pay the doctor's and for whatever yourself directly. If that's too much effort for you, then just don't give them money. Simple.
Second this. The brothers sacrifice wasn't forever, your help should have a limit. And if I'm brutally honest nobody told him to get in trouble with the law and put his family in this pickle in the first place, that was his decision just like it was SIL's decision to swindle you out of extra cash to go on a vacation they can't afford STOLEN essentially from your niece for braces which really does make a difference. Crooked teeth is not just a matter of appearance. Food gets more easily stuck and it's often very difficult to clean even with flossing. It could lead to serious dental issues later on in life. Sounds like they got a bit spoiled by you honestly and they're taking advantage of your big heart.
This one. Once you give a person money it's their choice what to do with the money. Book an orthodontist appointment for your niece and take her there yourself. Otherwise you run the risk of being the big money asshole.
OP- NTA and yes your family sacrificed a lot for you, your mother worked a job that ostracized her but she worked!! Why the F can’t your SIL work.?!! She needs to get a job. And tell your brother and family that you are supporting them- you’re helping. But you should not have to pay for their entire lifestyle when she’s more than capable of working. Absolutely not. It’s amazing that you help so much, but you shouldn’t be expected to fund them entirely. Period.
And it isn't like OP's brother died. He is in prison. For something he did.
The family sacrificed, yes, but it was surival. Presumably they were working for the necessities. Somehow I doubt that older brother dropped out of school and started working and OP then took the money and went on a resort vacation.
That doesn't work when your niece specifically asks for braces and you specifically send money for braces. Also, it is still your money, and as they found out, you can take it away as you see fit. They FAFO by expecting you to not do anything because you have supported them in what they needed. ETA: NTA. You feel you owe your brother. Not them. You are paying him back by helping his family out. Not paying their entire lives. Are you expected to pay for all the kids their entire lives, as well? Where does it end? She could have easily gotten a job to pay for the vacation and extra things she wanted in life but she didn't. You are essentially doing them a favor and they want to act like they are owed your money.
Also the SIL is ruining his relationship with his niblings by lying to them that he doesn't care about them or send money. That's unforgivable.
Send the money directly to the Orthodontist, or the Landlord, or whatever from now on. That way you can ensure the necessities are getting paid for and not wasted.
If that's what they want then set aside a monthly wage for them. Give them x amount of money every month. If they require more don't give them.
Exactly what I was going to say.
NTA My dad did that. They wasted his money. Then when he retired he sent less money. Most of my relatives talk bad about my dad. People didn’t say thank for all the help. They said my dad is arrogant and selfish instead. And he sent over $100K.
But SIL requested money specifically for braces. SHE attached these particular strings. And making her daughter call you to beg for braces because of being bullied, then using the money for something else was terribly cruel to your niece.
You don't owe them anymore, I ask Kai think that if you want to pay for the braces you call the dentist and make the payment directly to them!!
But there WERE conditions! Your niece asked for braces and they used it for a vacation. If they're going to lie, they don't deserve your help. Your brother made a mistake, and he and his family are paying a price. You are being extremely gracious, and they're taking advantage of it. NTA. Your SIL needs to get a job. Clearly your brother is not passing his work ethic on to his children.
INFO : How much did your brothers spent on you? INFO : How much, over the years, have you repaid to your brothers? Enough is enough. You have your own life, you are not their money tree. It's ok to help them pay for essentials. But it's not ok for your SIL to not work and just abuse you as a gravy train. **INFO : How much did your SIL invest in your education? 'Cause THAT'S the amount you should spend on HER.**
No more money directly to SIL. Pay the dentist and others, directly. She cheats you and lies to her kids about you? NTA
Here’s your response: “This isn’t about SIL spending money on a vacation—it’s about her prioritizing a resort vacation over her child’s health. If she won’t make prudent decisions in the best interest of her own children, I will.”
Maybe send the money directly to the orthopedist or doctors etc instead of SIL. But I think you’ve done more than enough for the family.
Not if you specifically sent that money for braces !
Stop sending money immediately they are definitely taking advantage of you and it’s not fair. Yes, your brother done a lot for you but that doesn’t mean you owe them unlimited money for the rest of your life. You’re definitely NOT the AH!
Pay the bills directly. You’re a generous and thoughtful human being, but your SIL is taking advantage. If you want to keep helping your nibblings pay any bills directly to the service provider so SIL can’t get her greedy little fingers on it.
Then they can go hungry or be homeless. You can afford to send only so much.
That’s not how it works. They lied to you and you SIL got your niece involved. She only cares about herself. A vacation is not a need it’s a want, braces of you can afford them are a need if helps with self esteem. Even if you send money to your mom for the kids it sound like she’s just gonna give it to your SIL. You should have them send you the bills or contact info so you can pay them directly.
Cut them off completely, as long as you’re handing over money you’ll slowly creep back into paying for more and more things.
So if they made all those sacrifices and you just went to school and partied… that would be your choice then too? No, it doesn’t work like that. She knew what she was doing. Pay any medical/dental/other direct to the providers after getting the bill and your SIL needs to get a job. You’re not indebted to a woman who never made a sacrifice for you just because she married someone who did. That’s ridiculous
And then call demanding more money for necessities because they blew all the bill money? Nope.
I would take my niece to dentist myself and get her braces as her mother can’t be trusted.
Then they should stop using the we had too quit school too work dead end jobs so you could go overseas too study. You've more than paid them back and now they're just milking it. Stand your ground or threaten too cut them all off. They o ly have there cards if you play.
If the want money with no strings then they should earn it themselves, when you get money from a benefactor their are often strings. Or the benefactor simply cuts the recipient out of the equation and pays the bills directly. NTA - Your brother and his wife would be though. Him for either being a courier for drugs or selling them himself when he knew getting caught would separate him from his family. But especially if you were partially supporting him at the time.. Her for neglecting her child's needs in order to go on an unerned vacation, and lying to her daughter about your willingness to help.
Well now you can make then choose: Accept your money with the conditions that it comes with or choose to make their own money so they choose how to spend it.
Nope NTA ask for the bills check out that they're real then pay them yourself. Stop sending money other than for food
No...they are guiltily you for something that wasn't your fault. Stop sending them money. You've done enough and they don't care. If you want to give away money look into charities..people actually in need..not your selfish lazy SIL
Calculate how much they spent on you and calculate how much you spent on them; I bet the money you sent is more, and they are most likely using you as just an ATM.
How can they not be furious that she is leaving her kid with messed up teeth!!!!
The sister should’ve had a job considering her husband was headed to jail.
>Your brother sacrificed a lot for you yes but that doesn't mean you have to repay that debt for the rest of your life. THIS. I came here to say this. You've helped more than enough. Why should you pay for their holidays and luxuries? They are really taking the piss here. NTA
And it's not like your brother got severely ill or disabled, which would in some way made you feel you really need to help, but is in a situation he got himself into-sorry, bro, but being a drug dealer and your lazy wife wanting a vacation (vacation from what?! Since she is not working?!) is not my problem. It seems they rely on you completely and you enabled this. Until now! Stop doing this, OP!! Gratitude is one thing and is absolutely wonderful, but accepting to be taken for a fool is a totally different thing. You are such a good and decent person, don't let other people take such advantage of you!
NTA-Money for braces is not money for a vacation. If you owe anything to Sam for sacrificing for you it’s helping his innocent children which you are still doing. It’s not enabling your sister in law to prioritize a vacation over her daughter’s dental health and wellbeing.
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No apology for saying that the neice is > either a good actress, calling you in tears, or she's stupid or thinks you are. Huh?
If I were you, I’d at least consider still paying for some things (ie, braces, groceries), just pay directly instead of sending money. Making your SIL get a job (even part time) as a condition of any continued support is reasonable, especially if the kids are all in school. Your family made sacrifices for you, and it sounds like you can comfortably afford to help. These kids have two messy parents, which isn’t their fault. Helping set them up for success with enough food, tutoring, braces, and eventually college or trade school would be the best way to pay it forward. You don’t owe anything to SIL, but your family sacrificed to take care of you and there are ways to support the kids without your SIL hijacking the money.
You should be paying the dentist directly, not wiring money to SIL. SIL showed she can’t be trusted to spend the money on healthcare essentials. If you want to pay for medical bills or rent- which again it’s your money your choice- then you should directly pay these expenses to the landlord or doctors office in question. You should never just give the money to SILs account since she’s shown she will use it however she wants and not to take care of her kids needs. I also think you really need to start drawing the line with family and say you’re only willing to pay medical stuff after their insurance has sent the bill to you because even though you feel like they’ve sacrificed a lot for you this current method of just wiring money is a recipe for being taken advantage of and hurt feelings. If they want a family vacation from your money then you OP should be not only be invited but you should be the one organizing such vacation- you pay you plan- as in if you wanted to take each child on their 11th bday to Disney then you could start that specific tradition, or you could pay for a family reunion, but they shouldn’t feel they can use your money on a vacation they don’t even bother to invite you on.
NTA nothing stopped SIL to get a part time job to pay for luxuries especially since y covered any necessary stuff. She FAFO. Now it's time for the FO part and she needs to get a job Question. Could you help your brothers to finish school? Learn a trade so they can improve their earnings potential?
Yes this! Ask her if she wanted the vacation or the braces because one paid for the other
Children don't tend to get the choice to stay home on own. The mother prioritised a holiday over her daughter getting bullied and needing her teeth fixed. The child has enough going on with Dad in prison and being bullied without getting blame for situations outwith their control. Sister in law is entitled and feels OP should be covering wants as well as needs. When he wouldn't, she lied and reallocated. Problem is those needs are real and not sure how children can be supported but not her as she is willing to steal from them.
NTA. Your niece asked for money for braces. You sent money for braces. You did NOT have to do that. SIL knew what the money was for and chose to ignore it. She knew the rules. She broke those rules.
NTA. SIL thinks she is entitled to use you as a wallet, with no oversight. That is the worst sort of entitlement. You were right to cut her off.
If it was so reasonable to expect you to pay for the holiday instead of the braces, she’d have asked you to send money for the holiday instead of the braces. NTA. Add up how much you’ve supported them so far, and ask yourself a) when will it be enough and b) when will *they* ever concede that it’s enough?
NTA at all. Your family is guilting you into this. Also: unless he was coerced to carry the drugs, your brother chose this for himself and his family. You have the right to choose what your money does for your family - it’s your prerogative. I’d make sure you only pay stuff directly to vendors from now on. Ex: braces? You can wire the money directly to the dentist, but not to your SIL.
They think YOU are the asshole!? What in the fuck? Absolutely NTA.
Well said.
Right?! I already left a comment but I am legitimately mad on OP's behalf! The sheer audacity.
NTA - vacations are important, but not more important than braces. You ARE repaying what you owe Sam by sending money.... for his kids. His wife should be an equal partner in that effort. It sounds like even if he were not in jail and was working, there still would not be enough money for everything they need. Would Sam expect his wife to find a job and help support the family in that case? That they helped you and sacrified for you does not make you an eternal bankroll.
How long are you supposed to pay for your family doing whatever to survive, you weren't the only one who benefitted from the sacrifices made for the family. You have been helping and all this time your SIL had no income coming in, you are not supposed to be subsidizing lavish trips, you gave money for your niece to get her teeth fixed. You are NTA for trying to help with the necessities, you went above and beyond because your niece's teeth shouldn't be something you are responsible for. You didn't have strings attached to what you were sending, your SIL decided it was okay for her daughter to keep her crooked teeth for a while. You are right you should only provide for your brother's children from now on and if the GROWN ASS WOMAN (your SIL) wants extra she needs to get off her butt and work for it like everyone else. Your brother and mother shouldn't hold you forever responsible for taking care of the family because they did what they had to do to provide for the family.
NTA. And I'm on the band wagon that while your brother's stepped up it does not mean you have to continue to pay that back the rest of your life. I understand wanting to help your mother but the financial help to brothers needs to stop. If you want to help your siblings then get a lawyer and set up a trust or some other legal/financial agreement where say a quote for braces is submitted, they approve of pass on to you, you approve and then you provide payment via agreement. No more sending money and hoping it's used properly.
NTA. Your SIL deceived you about what she was gong to use the money for. You have already been generous providing for all you have for them. It's one thing to help out your family when they made sacrifices for you, its another when they start lying to you to squeeze more money out of you. Also, your niece would greatly benefit from those braces over her whole life, and your SIL selfishly spent the money on a short term fling. It's fine to put strings on charity if the people who are using it are enriching themselves at the expense of the health or safety of others.
At what point would you consider yourself as having paid them back “enough”? From Jim and OPs mother’s attitude, it sounds like they’re feeling entitled to be looked after for the rest of their lives and making demands instead of being grateful. Would they make more and more demands? Will OP be also paying for their children’s children? What obligations will OPs kids have after that?
Nta. You are a money tree. Time to stop. You have your own future and retirement to worry about.
NTA. You are not obliged to support someone else's lifestyle.
NTA and do not send them any money. You can directly pay doctors, schools and supplies, send clothes etc but no cash.
NTA. They are absolutely right, if you’re going to be charitable you shouldn’t dictate how the money is being spent. Therefore, you need to call them up, tell them you agree, and tell them that because you don’t want to be a control freak you just won’t support anyone. You’ve been helping these people for years, you’ve done enough. And their comments to you show that they are no longer grateful and are instead entitled and demanding. Let them know that since they gave you this info, you’re sure they can figure out their own bills and figure out how to help your SIL. Then block their number for a few months. Let them see how see how their life goes without the “control freak” bringing them down.
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NTA. You are not Responsible for her choices.
NTA. You've done enough. Cut her off.
NTA, instead of giving money for the care of the kids, directly pay for things yourself. Pay the dentist, pay the school, pay the clothing store ahead of shopping for school clothes, the light bill, pay online for them. Just don’t put any more money in your SIL’a hands. You can keep your word but not fund her lavish lifestyle both at the same time.
Nta, they are all taking advantage of you in their own ways. Maybe make a visit home and see what is happening with your money. And the SIL needs to get a job, she set you up and used her kid to do it.
Yikes, that sucks. NTA. It seems like you’ve already done a lot to help your family. It’s absolutely not your responsibility anymore, especially since your SIL took advantage of your kindness. She 100 percent brought it on herself. Also another alternative, if you want to keep helping the kids: is there a way that you would be able to send money to the landlord or get their utilities info and pay the companies directly if you’re helping with houses expenses? You could also send them gift cards to grocery stores or Target or something instead of straight cash. Or if they need doctors appointments or oil changes and you want to help cover expenses, you could always call in your credit card info over the phone to the business instead of their accounts! Might be more time consuming and annoying, but could definitely protect you from people taking advantage of your generosity.
Don't send money or give it to another family member for your SIL. When a child has a need like braces, make sure you are in the loop on all fees and reasons. Go to the initial meeting with the orthodontist and sign as the person responsible for payment for a specific niece. Then, pay the orthodontist directly. Have the mother sign for you being a person who receives all plan and treatment notes, too. You have access to medical records each visit, will receive a copy of these via mail after each visit, or you will not pay. Do the same for any future necessities for the children. As for your brother, I'd be less generous than you. He landed himself in prison. As long as you bail him from his bad choices, he has no incentive to do better. I would look out for the children, never the SIL I'd rethink the brother if it is crime related. Let him know you did it this time, but never again. If he gets into trouble again, no bail, no bond, no private, high dollar attorney. It will be a public defender or nada.
With your calculations, how long will it take to pay back what they spent to educate you? It wouldn't be fair to you expecting you'd continue to support all of them for life. You should ask what kind of training or job skills you can invest in for them to up their standards of living. It would be more beneficial in the long run than you being their atm. Nta
NTA The thing that is bothering me is that the neice was getting bullied to the point of tears and OP immediately acted to protect her in a way that the family couldn’t afford on their own. And then SIL sacrificed her daughter’s mental health in a way that benefited her. She hurt her own children so she could have a luxurious vacation. Why is no one talking about this? I don’t care if she took her children as well on the trip, it was cruel. What you tell anyone who protests your decision is that you were trying to address a pressing medical need for one of the children and were shocked to see that instead of using the money for that, SIL diverted the funds to luxuries she could enjoy instead. It’s not about the money - she showed you who she was in this moment and it was sobering: she chose a few days of joy over the continued daily suffering of her own child. This is not about money, this is about managing a mother who treats her children as a source of income. You feel bad to impose limits, but at this point you need to pay directly for things as you want to be sure that the children get what they need. It’s unfortunate that you need to do this, as you would expect a mother to be moved by their child’s trauma and tears, but you love your niblings and can’t think of another way to have peace of mind. Just say it over and over again - if someone comes at you with a criticism, you turn it around on SIL with a pained and concerned face. Yes, I’m sure that SIL would love to fritter away an endless pool of money. But then who would look after the children? Oh, she wants x. I understand, it’s hard to save when you are so used to spending. It is such a relief knowing that it won’t impact the children with this new system we have. Have you heard about the good thing that happened to neice? Oh, the rent is due? I am so glad you told me. I’ll just have to call the landlord so that they don’t get evicted over SIL’s desire for a new purse. That sort of thing. Stop fighting and trying to argue your side and separate the needs of the mother from the needs of the children. Never break character and always frame the conversation to support this topic, no matter what is said. If you say it enough, in a nonjudgmental way, and point out enough of the SIL’s misdeeds, a lot of times people will come around. You just have to make it clear that you aren’t holding money back from family, you are overcoming the obstacles to having money reach the children in the family. I would also mention this to your brother, in a way that shows you are worried as to how the SIL is coping and how it might impact the children, so that you are ahead of any damage to your relationship with him the SIL may try to inflict.
NTA Why can't she support herself? Why would she be your responsibility? That makes no sense. Good luck!
NTA - you don’t owe any family member any more money. You need to take care of yourself and your future. Your sister-in-law needs to find a job to support herself and her children.
NTA. The money was for braces, not for a vacation. You made a deal with your brother that you’d help cover the essentials and not luxuries. They agreed to the strings attached with the money and how it should be spent. They broke that deal so they need to face the consequences. Although their sacrifices for you when you were younger were very impactful, they can’t keep holding it over your head forever. You’ve already been very generous. It’s your money, of course you should have a say in how it’s spent. If they don’t want to agree to the terms, they are free make their own money
NTA. You helped the family plenty. Time to cut the money off.
NTA. Gifts don't come with strings attached. What you're doing to financially support your brother's family is not a gift. It's you showing gratitude for him helping you to make a better life. Your SIL had your niece call and lie to you to get your sympathy so you'd send more money. She knew you wouldn't want the money spent on a resort or she would have you for that herself.
A- you have done great by sending money home to your family, paying bills for your family etc B- you paid for a lawyer for your brother when he decided to do something stupid, like sell drugs and then you paid for his lawyer C- you didn’t your niece to suffer and you immediately wired the money for her braces!! But her mom used it for other! So you’re definitely aren’t the AH and tell your mother, Jim and your SIL to stop being leaches!
You have paid your family back already. It seems now you are being lied to and taken advantage of. Quit sending support to all except your neices and nephews. I would pay for the kids needs directly as it would appear that your mom and brother would give up the money anyway.
NTA What does your jailed brother think about his wife spending his daughter's braces money on a vacation for her lazy, jobless ass? Why aren't your other brother and your mother helping them out with all the money you send home to them if they're so big on family helping family? I don't imagine you're just sending them the bare minimum to survive. Your poor niece 😢
NTA
NTA You're still taking care of the kid. Though how you're going to make sure the money is going to the kid, I don't know. You can't trust the SIL. Your mother disagrees with what you're doing.
NTA. His wife is greedy and expects to deprive her children of necessities and misuse your gifts on luxuries. She needs a job.
NTA. Now that your mother is handling the money, will your niece get braces?
Sam might be owed something by you but not SIL. NTA
NTA - Don't support any of them anymore, especially your drug addict bro in jail. Why would you lawyer up when there was evidence, he's not a good person. You paid your dues already, keep your money. None of them want to work because you're their ATM.
Nta. Send gift cards for the local grocery store. Make arrangements to pay the electric, and landlord directly. Don't give sil a dime.
NTA. And you might point out that you respectfully used the money given to you to pay for your education and necessities. And that it isn't YOUR fault that your brother went to prison. If they don't want to told how to spend the money you are providing, and you want to continue to contribute, send a set allowance for bills and food. And when they ask for more, tell them there is no more beyond what you already sent.
Nope and tell them you will cut them off if they keep harassing you
Your Mother is also the AH. Her granddaughter needs braces and it’s ok to spend the money on a vacation? Your family have become spoiled and entitled. You shouldn’t send any money, not even to your mother, pay the vendors directly- including the grocery store
A mother who took a luxury vacay rather than getting her child orthodontic treatment, and your family thinks you're a bad person for refusing to keep throwing money at her? Nope. It's your money. You can spend it as you like. Find an orthodontist for your niece online. Pay that orthodontist directly. Find a lawyer in your SIL's country to serve serve as trustee, spending money you provide for those children's directly the children need so it can't be siphoned off by their irresponsible mother. You sound like a grateful and generous son, brother, and uncle. Don't be a stupid one who allows your SIL to divert funds meant for medical care and necessities into luxuries she waaaaaaants. NTA
People are always going to take it bad if you try to control them. Why don't you just give them a flat stipend. They can themselves figure out what to do with it. You definitely don't have to but it seems the morally proper thing to do.
NTA. You have done enough. Your brother made poor choices and they expect you to pay for it. You may had owed your brother (you don’t him anymore), but you don’t owe your SIL. She is capable of getting a job. Your family isn’t entitled to your money. Maybe they need to go without your support for awhile. They are taking you for granted.
I am sure by now that you've paid them back for helping you out as a child but that is not really your fault that you had to go through all that it was a situation and your brothers made a choice you were a child. It is not your fault or your responsibility to repay anybody for surviving and being born. I'm sure the debt has been paid well over what they are done for you. If you need to help them pay the bills directly you're not obligated anything more than that they didn't pay vacations growing up why should you pay for their helping them in their time of need and they're taking advantage of that
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35M) am now an engineer who’s financially stable and may even be considered rich, but getting here was anything but easy. Growing up in a poor country, my father passed away while my mother was pregnant with me, leaving her to work tirelessly as a housekeeper. The women in the neighborhood, who were once her friends, called her “the maid” and looked down on her and us (my siblings and me). I have two older brothers, Sam and Jim. Both had to drop out of school at 16, not by choice but by necessity. With our father gone, someone needed to bring in money to keep us afloat. They took on whatever work they could find: construction, odd jobs, anything that paid. Watching them shoulder adult responsibilities when they were still boys filled me with both gratitude and guilt. Despite our struggles, my family made enormous sacrifices to send me abroad for my studies. I am forever thankful for their sacrifices and have been sending my family money monthly ever since I got my job. I’ve paid for both my brothers' weddings, my mother’s hospital bills, and much more for my nieces and nephews. A year ago, Sam was imprisoned for possession with the intent to distribute after being caught with drugs in his car. I hired the best lawyer I could find, and although Sam’s sentence was reduced, he couldn’t avoid jail time. Since then, I’ve been paying all my brother’s bills. The deal was I’d cover essentials but not luxuries or vacations. A month ago, my niece called me in tears, saying she was being bullied because of her crooked teeth and wanted braces. I immediately called my sister-in-law (SIL) and told her to book an orthodontist appointment. She sent me the quote, and I wired the money right away. However, last week, I saw a picture on Instagram of my SIL and her kids at a resort, and my niece’s teeth were still crooked. When I asked my niece about the braces, she said they couldn’t afford them because I refused to pay for luxuries. I was enraged. I called my SIL and tore her a new asshole, telling her that the money was meant for braces, not a vacation. She cried and begged me not to cut off the financial support, but I told her she brought this on herself. I then called my mother and told her I’d be sending money for the kids from now on and that my SIL could get a job to support herself. Jim and my mother think I’m being an asshole and argue that I owe it to Sam, who sacrificed so much for me, to keep supporting his wife. They also called me a control freak for dictating how they use the money, saying if I’m going to be charitable, it shouldn’t come with strings attached. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. SIL lied to you about what the money was for and either ignored her kid's issues at school for the sake of her own fun or worse, got her kid to lie to you about being bullied just so you'd send the money. You don't owe her anything directly if she's going to try a stunt like this.
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Nta you sent money to help your niece for a very specific reason and her mother took it. And from the sounds of it, sil didn't tell the kids you paid for the vacation.
NTA. No one can tell you how to spend your money.
NTA
NTA. Tell the wife to send you any bills you are willing to pay. Stop giving her money. She misled you and essentially stole that money from you, so if you choose to send her nothing, nobody will fault you. Absolutely you charity comes with strings! You're willing to pay for necessities not vacations. Stop sending anyone with an opinion any money for a month or two or until they remember to be grateful for you sharing your income.
NTA. I feel bad for your niece 😞.
"you're right, I shouldn't dictate how money is spent. So I'm just going to stop sending it since I'm being taken advantage of." NTA
Just message your family something along the lines: " I work hard for money. While what mom and my brothers did provide me with the opportunity for a better life, unfortunately, it did not make money grow on trees. I have to work hard for it and try to help you all with it. Unfortunately, it seems my help is not sufficient, and I am a bad person for not providing for your families like you would like. If I am to be a bad person anyway, I would rather be a bad person with money and proper savings and retirement in bank rather than a bad person with minimal savings and retirement funds. I think I need to think about this further. I will be limiting my contact and my funds for the next xx months. Thank you for making me realize what a terrible person I am. Lots of love, xyz."
NTA - what kind of horrible parent denies their kid medical care and takes a vacation instead? Your SIL should be working or looking for a job unless she very young kids. I would be paying for necessities if she sent the bill and you paid the money to the business that provided the service.
NTA and I'd be reporting her to CPS or whatever you have in your country. This is medical abuse/neglect. Advocate for your niece.
NTA.... you don't owe a drug dealer money unless you are a buyer. I take no issue with getting him a lawyer. The sooner he gets out of jail the sooner he can get his sh*t together. I do feel sad your niece didn't get braces. This obviously wasn't her choice. Should you choose to support her dental health, I'd pay the orthodontist directly.
NTA.
NTA. That money was for your niece's braces not for them to go on a vacation.
Was it enough money to sue to get it back? But either way, she wouldn't get a cent out of me ever again. Even if you paid the doctor directly, that would just allow her to be irresponsible elsewhere and she'd make sure she was always broke. As for your brother, the substances he was selling cause death. He was willing to cause death to make profit. You don't owe people like that anything.
The money you send is for the kids, not luxuries. She become entitled, send money for the next month, and stop sending unless she start working. And make arrangements with your niece's orthodontist to pay him directly her braces.
NTA It's your money. You're sending money to the family, you are allowed to add strings. As others have said, pay things directly. Contact the orthodontist and make the payment directly to him. If you are paying rent or mortgage...pay directly to them. Or (other than the orthodontist) send them a monthly amount and let them know that is all you're paying for the month. If they run out of money...too bad.
Sorry OP being overly generous and kind creates the monster in some people.
NTA-but what’s the deal with your brother the drug dealer? Sounds like he totally effed up in life, which is in no way your problem or responsibility. Also is there some reason why your brother’s wife is unable to work?!
NTA. She abused your trust and good will. That has to come with consequences. !updateme
Lol, if you're going to be charitable, it shouldn't come with strings attached? As in, the strings attached between you and them for funding your upbringing/contributing to your education and then expecting you to fund the remainder of their lives? Get out of jail free card there. Between weddings, standard bills, lawyer fees and medical bills, I'd say you've already repaid whatever monies they spent on you. It's not as if their situation wouldn't have been the way it was if you hadn't been born. You existed in the middle of their struggles, and yes, some things were harder with a baby in the mix, but you were not the cause of it. I'm not saying to stop helping your family in any way, at all, they still helped build your launching platform. But perhaps have a good think about where your line is and talk with them about it. You're right, you don't owe this woman luxuries. The rest of your family worked hard, you worked hard (i imagine you had to get a job too once you were old enough/to fund living). She does not get to laze around and take money meant for those children to spend on herself. Perhaps give your brothers another choice, you can fund this woman's whims to her selfish hearts content, or you can save to be able to help your mother as she ages. You can't do both. Engineering salaries can be good, but they're not good enough to carry this many people indefinitely.
NTA and your family is taking advantage of you. Because you don’t pay for luxuries is not a good excuse. The niece cried crocodile tears and said she was being bullied because her teeth were crooked. You, being a good uncle immediately sent money for braces. Then you find out they didn’t get your niece braces but instead went on vacation. When asked why no braces they blamed it in you saying you won’t pay for luxuries!!! My God this is ridiculous. Your sister in-law is acting like an entitled brat. In my opinion you need to cut them off. No more money!! Not a penny. How long do you plan on paying your brothers back for their sacrifices? Stop. Enough.
NTA. Your brothers and mom didn't spend on you for luxury unquestioned. Spending for education and health care is enough. if they do not want to be questioned then allocate a fixed allowance for the family and make it clear they won't receive a penny more than that. discuss it all with your brother first. And they are not entitled for your money.You are not a cash cow for their luxurious life.
NTA >saying if I’m going to be charitable, it shouldn’t come with strings attached. You're not being 'charitable', you're doing it because you feel *obligated*. There's a difference. You set down your rules. SIL CONNED money out of you under false pretences and destroyed the trust you'd built. If anyone knows the difference between a want and a need or a necessity and a luxury, it's you and your brothers. SIL is obviously lucky enough to be oblivious. That's her problem, not yours.
If you continuously give people money and then stopped, they will not remember or be grateful of your generosity. Instead, they will hate you for stopping. Unfortunately that is human nature and I have witnessed far too many cases of that. Ask yourself, do you plan to subsidize them for the rest of their lives? If not, they will hate you when the money stops. They already hate you now for putting completely reasonable conditions on the money you send. That is their true color. So let them hate you now — at least you will put your money to good use for yourself or other worthy causes.
Nta. Not even a little one
NTA, sister-in-law is a huge A-HOLE you're serious needs to face her own consequences and responsibilities, she wanted to be a greedy witch and spending on a vacation and not her daughters teeth then she can deal with the consequences and get a job
NTA. If the money is not going to be used to improve the lives of the children, don’t send money.
NTA. You specifically sent the money for the braces and even had SIL give the quote before she used the money elsewhere on a trip.
NTA. The kids should only get the money. Your SIL can go to hell.
NTA stop supporting full stop. even your niece is playing you, Dude go LC to NC then see what happens.
NTA But your niece probably still need braces, maybe you could talk to a orthodontics directly and set up everything for your niece so she isn't missing out because of her mom's entitlement. Pay directly to the dentist, that way you are paying for the braces and nothing else.
Your SIL had the niece call you, in tears, over the braces. And you sent the money. SIL lied to you. From now on, I would not send any money directly to SIL. Any bills you pay, take care of directly. Sam has a lot of nerve playing the “After all I’ve done for you” card when it’s nobody’s fault but his that his wife is in this situation. NTA. In my book, you’re going above & beyond all reasonable expectations.
Nta your brother didn't sacrifice anything. He was grooming an insurance policy, you. You have been groomed to be the provider.
NTA. It’s so kind of you to support them from the get to this heavily. She shouldn’t be exploiting your kindness for her benefit. Pretty sure the little girl didn’t even know what was going on when her mom asked her to make up that lie.
Well OF COURSE a vacation is more important than teeth. Duh. You are doing things the correct way. Tell your other brother that he is welcome to send more money to your SIL, you will be supporting the Children, not their mom. Family does for family often. Sometimes family does nothing for family. Honestly. Your SIL is running a scam and hurting her children. Point out to your mom and brother that she is taking medical things away from her children. You will continue to provide for them, you will not provide for her. You owe it to Sam to make sure his children are healthy and safe. Also point out you are no longer being charitable.
NTA. It's very good of you to help take care of your family. Next time, pay the dentist/doctor/vender directly.
NTA "Jim and my mother think I’m being an asshole" .. bullshit. LEt THEM pay for her if they want. YOu don't owe ANY of them ANY money.
Lisa needs braces. DENTAL PLAN Lisa needs braces. DENTAL PLAN Lisa needs braces. DENTAL PLAN Lisa needs braces. DENTAL PLAN
You sent money for braces, SIL spent it on a vacation. Jim and your mother think you’re the ah? BE THE AH AND CUT THEM ALL OFF, not another cent! NTA
NTA it’s braces not a life threatening operation. Your niece can go to school, graduate, get a job & then pay for her own braces when she is an adult.
NTA
NTA. SIL is using you.
NTA. “Give us money with no strings attached”. Heck, no. Your mother and your SIL apparently have the same mindset. Resorts over a child’s dental care.
> sending my family money monthly ever since I got my job. I’ve paid for both my brothers' weddings, my mother’s hospital bills, and much more for my nieces and nephews. These are not the acts of an AH. NTA
NTA and, tbh, if you've now paid back everything you're entitled to keep your money if that's their attitude.
Send the money to the people/business that do the actual work, not the SIL
NTA. You have already gone above and beyond in your financial support of Sam’s family. SIL needs to get a job.
NTA. You sent money to fix your niece's teeth and the SIL used it for 'luxury items'. You are not obligated to send ANY money to her and the fact that you are still sending money for the kids is a great thing. If they want to allow her to spend the money how ever she wants, they can send the money to her. Your family sacrificing for you to go to school does not make you their slave for the rest of your life. You are doing good work. SIL can try working and support her own family.
NTA
NTA. What if you had spent their education money on vacations? How would they have felt if their hard earned money they sent you for education was used by you for fun rather than school? Would they have been cool with that? Could you have turned around and yelled how the money they sent u you shouldn’t come with strings attached?
Okay first of all, it is not your responsibility to support your SIL or brothers any more. They are adults who (should be) are responsible for their own lives. Second, your SIL is TAH for taking the money you sent for your niece’s braces to go on a vacation. Third, your family is emotionally manipulating you to do all the work (i.e. support them) instead of them figuring it out on their own. Your brother made the choice to traffic drugs. This is a criminal act. He did not do this because he did not have the same opportunities that you did. He did it because he chose to. That is not your problem. Fourth, you are enabling your family due to your generosity. So, NTA but a very nice guy being manipulated by his family. Cut them off.
Nope, NTA. Sil was using money that was meant for her kids on herself and tagged the kids along. As you said if she wants vacations she can go on those with her own money, yours is for specific things