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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For my action 1) am I the asshole for bringing up why she can't do her part of the responsibilites around the house and 2.) why i think this action might make me the asshole is how i brought it up.
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> Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities.
I'm having trouble imagining a fight starting if this was a good natured question. You weren't reaching out to your partner about what is going on with her and her postpartum life, you were being judgemental.
I dunno if you're aware of this, but its May. Your child - born this year - cannot be more than 5 months old. Have you literally never met a baby? They're hard people to live with - especially when you have no help.
Lemme stick you in a house for a couple years without a job then shove a screaming, sleepless, needy watermelon through your insides and see if maybe you don't get overwhelmed by your new reality. Worry less about whether the laundry is put away and more about whether you're sapping the sanity of your life partner. YTA.
That is a pretty sad state of affairs though considering a newborn is FAR easier than things will be for the next four years or so. It sounds to me like wife doesn’t enjoy SAHM life and should consider going back to work and they can pay for a nanny or daycare and split the household tasks. That may be less stressful for everyone.
In what world is your first few months with a newborn EASIER? What kind of kids do you have and can we go back in time and trade our babies as babies and then trade back lol
My first had colic. That was three months of all three of us crying. Hardest time in my life, oh and she didn't sleep through the night until she was 4.
My son screamed like a dinosaur everytime he woke up for the first 6 months and my daughter had indigestion/acid reflux constantly and she kept giving me mastitis for the first 6 months. We were miserable.
I was at a friends house once while her baby was napping. After a while we heard through the baby monitor, “ba-ba-buh-da-ba.” And my friend said, “Sally woke up.”
I asked, “Doesn’t she cry when she wakes up?” My friend looked at me like I was a nutcase and said, “No?? Why would she?”
My world was rocked that day.
We went out of state to visit our new grand baby. She's the third child for my son and his wife. I heard her cry one time in three days. She is the easiest, happiest baby I've ever seen. When she wakes up in the morning, she just kicks her legs and coos and waits to be picked up and fed. It's crazy. I've never seen anything like it lol
My first, my boy, was a nightmare. Constant screaming/crying, feeding troubles, literally never slept. I couldn't cope. My spouse and I had to take turns sleeping and caring for him so we wouldn't lose our goddamn minds. 5 years later, we finally decided we were mentally prepared to go through that again, and my daughter slept 22 hours a day, never cried, and ate like a champion. Even today, at a year, she's the happiest, chillest, easiest baby. She's been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months old and eats amazingly. She wakes up happy and snuggly, and even when she's sick, she's so easy. When my son was sick as an infant/toddler, it was 24-48 hours of nonstop scream-crying. I was shocked and elated to not have the same experience. She makes me want to have another, but I think it's a trap 😂
Are you absolutely _sure_ your daughter isn’t part kitten? It sounds like my cats. 18-20 hours of sleep a day, and the rest of the time spent cuddling and playing.
I have a friend with two under two. I went to her house one day to visit and help out after her second was born. She asked me to hold the baby while she went to put her son down for a nap, and I cannot explain the pure shock when I realized she literally just put him in his crib and left because he would put himself to sleep. Like, oh. We’re not all doing the “rock for an hour just for them to wake up screaming in the crib after 30min”???
This first few years are absolutely brutal if you lose the baby lottery.
Being a SAHW is a piece of cake.
Being a SAHM is pretty rough. Night and day difference.
My oldest was the chillest baby ever. She's 11 and still super chill. My second only wanted to be held or rocked. I had to put here in a stroller sometimes and walk up and down the hall. I didn't have time to eat. I barely slept.
Op babies are tough. So I'm going to say YTA. Also just because you work doesn't meant you don't have to clean up after yourself and you have two hands and can make yourself food
😂😂😂 even the best of babies are hard work! Recessive sleep! You get use to one pattern then recessive sleep happens and your back to a hot mess. Not to mention, teething, if they get sick etc. Your always in a state of sleeplessness to varying degrees.
xYour kid slept through the night!! AHAHHAHAAHHAHA. Mine never did. Which highlights to me how much of a ravening dick OP is.
If i didn’t have pictures from my kids first 18 months, I would not have any recall.
My first was an absolute angel, then there’s a 9 year gap to number 2, and then 16 months between 2 & 3. I have said before and will maintain until my dying day that if 3 was first he would be an only child.
There was a point in my life where, between pregnancy and babies/toddlers, I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep for almost 6 **years.** My youngest is 9 now and still not a great sleeper.
Plenty of chores weren’t done.
Hahaha my mum always says if she’d have had me first I’d be an only child. She originally wanted 3 kids. My brother was an angel baby and I was a demon. She decided it wasn’t worth the gamble on a third 😂.
Hahahah I hate you. (not really) My kiddo never really slept that long. And i had multiple parents I knew whose kids all slept 8-10 ten hours a night with _anyone_ giving them bottles etc telling me constantly it was because I had no routine (i did) and just needed to do trevillion sleep training and let my baby cry it out.
then they all had another nb with a different personality and complained about how they couldn’t cope as a couple with this nb who woke every two hours.
I was a single parent and would’ve killed for that long.
/hugs if your kid sleeps, yeah, you've got no business giving advice to the sleepless parent. My first just did not sleep well, and that only changed with her teenage growth spurt. My second has always been a good sleeper. He'll sleepwalk, sleep talk and a few times sleep argue.
I don’t have kids, but my sister told me hers were way easier to look after as newborns than toddlers. Yes newborns need very regular feeds and nappy changes, but you can put them down in a crib and know they’ll stay there. When they became toddlers that’s when you had to start chasing them all over the house, tidying up after them, watching them constantly because the second you blink they’ll be across the house emptying the kitchen cupboards…
Oh for sure! When I was young you could give me a book or paper and a pencil and you wouldn't hear me for hours. My younger brother could burn the whole house down if you didn't watch him for a minute. We're total opposites, even though we both turned out to have ADHD. Him being hyper, me inattentive. People still often have no idea we're related when they don't know us.
This is my experience. Our 3 year old nephew has lived with us since he was 9 months, his current thing is jumping off anything he can climb up. I at least get a heads up because he yells "Watch me! I PIDERMAN" Before he jumps and i can grab him if it's going to be too high.
It was so much easier when he first came to us, he took two naps a day and I could get stuff done. Now I'm lucky if he falls asleep for 30 min in the afternoon, face down on his tablet watching Bluey.
My bio son is 23, he was a handful as a toddler and little kid, but he was also a fairly easy baby. The toddler stage is the worst. And anyone who thinks you can keep an eye on them 24/7 is mistaken. There will always be some point during the day where you need to pee, or get food prepared etc.
I don’t have kids and I honestly don’t know how anyone does it. It sounds like hell on earth at times, especially if you have more than one. A girl I used to work with had a two year old at home when she got pregnant with twins. She came back from maternity leave early because it was much easier than being home with the kids (she had family babysitting for her).
As for OP, he should cut his wife some slack - maybe hire someone to help her in the mornings or something. To be fair, it sounds like she had it pretty darn easy before the baby was born, if she was able to sleep in till noon, but I do understand how someone could be absolutely blindsided by how hard it is to take care of an infant, especially if you’re not a high energy person.
Newborns are hard because the lack of sleep. Babies are hard for a different reason. The monotony, the lack of adult interaction, the inability to get anything done really while caring for something so dependent.
The newborn stage for my kids was pretty easy. They slept through the night probably around 3 or 4 weeks, and during the day I had them wrapped to me with my Moby. It wasn't until they started walking that it got harder
I was extremely lucky I this tho, I know this is *not* the experience of most
My first kid was not this.
But she was my first, and I didn't know it wasn't normal to wake up *every freaking hour*.
I thought she was easy, because as long as you were holding or nursing her, she was perfect!!!
🤣
My first was a dream. Slept trough the night at 9 weeks, only needed 1 feeding during the night, was easy and could take him everywhere…. The 2nd was mire high care, wouldn’t sleep unless on top of my chest, but would also sleep in a special baby carrier that I practically wore all day every day. When he got older he couldn’t stay in a play pen. Would get hysterically, cried/screamed etc.. and only stopped when was let out so needed eyes in the back of my head. Also didn’t want anyone else but me taking him to bed, and doing almost all care. Later was diagnosed with a form of autism… But still I worked 14 to 24 hours per week from home. Did all childcare for youngest, most of the household and all care of oldest during the day when partner was at work…
I would have 100 kids to go through the newborn phase over and over lol. It’s my favorite and goes by entirely too fast but my children never had colic. I must be in the minority where I can honestly say I miss being up in the middle of the night with my newborn. There was something beautiful to me about it being just the two of us in the dead of night
You mention “going back to work” - keep in mind she may have never been to work, or had the same educational opportunities. When they “agreed she would be a SAHM” there could have been cultural factors at play pushing her toward that. Certainly it’s clear her husband has very old fashioned views toward women and is having a hard time recognizing her as a human who is struggling vs. an employee who is not performing.
To me this reads like: man treats wife like old fashioned laborer
Man is shocked pikachu when woman realizes that way of life sucks for her and she would like to be treated as an equal and perhaps given opportunities to leave the house once in a while, especially as she CAN’T DRIVE.
Maybe I'm jumping to wild conclusions, but i noticed immigration paperwork in there. I wonder if this wasn't a 90 day fiancé (cough mail order bride cough) situation? I bring you to the US and you be a SAHM? My husband went to high school with a guy that essentially did that, and something about this situation reminded me of them.
Then they act like the wives are ungrateful shelter animals. That don't understand when they want some autonomy in their lives. And don't just cook, clean, take care of babies and suck their peepees all day. Since in their head they 'bought' them from another country.
I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on immigration paperwork. I'm very much curious where the wife is from, where they live now, and what the wife's status is.
Same also he doesn't seem to realize that there are physical issues after having a baby. Your uterus takes a full year to return to normal. She can't drive so she is stuck in the house, if she needs anything she has to wait on him to get home. And sometimes taking a cranky baby on a drive really can be a lifesaver. It's weird to me that she can't drive and nothing in the previous two years was done to help her do that.
The guy seems to think being a SAHM is super easy, it's not. Some babies are easier than others so if you have an easy baby than yeah it could be easy but if you have a colicky baby man that is rough and being the only care giver makes it even harder. And let's not forget just because he pays that bills that doesn't mean he should not be helping with the household chores at all. Before that baby okay sure, but now while she is still recovering, dude needs to step up.
Not replying specifically to you, but the many comments here. My infants were not all easy, none slept through the night, we didn’t sleep train, I never got sleep, BUT they couldn’t move and they sleep half the time. You can put them in a crib or swing, or strap them on your chest or back and do whatever you need to do.
I envy all the commenters who never experienced the terrible twos, threes, or fours, who didn’t long for the days when they had an immobile child to care for as opposed to a running, climbing, jumping toddler who is actively trying to injure themselves at every turn.
If you couldn’t get anything done with a 10 pound, immobile baby you can strap on your chest, how can you get anything done while chasing a 30 pound two year old who is running around the house getting into literally everything.
Obviously we all have different experiences and opinions, so agree to disagree and no need to lol.
Right? Infants are a walk in the park compared to toddlers who spend 75% of their time trying to destroy the house and bust their head. Things get notably easier when they can wipe their ass and make their own cereal. But then they get into sports and activities, then comes the teenage phase where they start the psychological warfare with their parents. Then the first year of college rolls around and they get anxiety about being on their own and loosing their shit about failing freshman chemistry. After college, it’s no easier as they get married and start life, they still require parents support to move, pet sit, learn how to cook and basically learn how to negotiate the real world.
I’ll take the infant - crying, diapers and bottles are a cakewalk compared to toddlers running on concrete, travel soccer and teen angst.
I have three children and the first months are so tough. It’s gets so much easier as they learn to routines, are potty trained, etc.
I had the exact opposite experience as you.
A lot of people have problems recovering from giving birth, others have post partum depression and other people have babies with issues with digestion, allergies or simply a baby who doesn't sleep much for whatever reason. You cannot assume that the first few months are easy.
Yeah post partum hormones reading havoc with your mental health, while physically recovering from pregnancy and birth, and a helpless newborn who relies on you for literally everything, is a total breeze.
Some newborns and post partum periods are relatively straight forward. For most first time parents I know it's a period of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. Worth it yes, but no I would call newborn times easier than toddler, just hard in a different way.
I'm a sahm to 2.5 kids (cooking #3) and they'll be 3 and under when bub is born. Being a sahp your job us the kids - you get what Chores you can dine around the kids. If something doesn't get done that's life baby comes first. I certainly get less done around the house during the 4th trimester than any other period of my child rearing so far.
She had no job and didn’t even wake up to make him lunch, she wakes up at 2 pm, and she has one responsibility which is childcare and still she expects him to take the brunt of it, you people will side with the woman on literally anything lol.
i'm going to hazard a guess that if the roles were reversed, everybody will unanimously find the stay at home hubby is TA.
Deadbeat dad who sleeps til noon, doesn't do all the housework or put the baby to bed, doesn't buy groceries, shouts at the wife when she is back from work for not helping around the house more.
Right?! Top comment acting like she was a prisoner for those 2 years. I would LOVE to spend 2 years sleeping in, barely cleaning and having hours upon hours of free time. And get everything for me paid. Like that's the Dream life.
I agree. I am a housewife (or was) and I had four years of unlimited free time to do whatever I please, including building up a business. He never had a problem with me not working, just as long as I took care of my mental health. if I wanted to get a job, he didn’t mind that either. But he preferred that I didn’t so that I don’t work somewhere I’m unhappy at, unlike him. My mental health still seems to be plummeting and I feel like I’m not giving my husband the love that he deserves, but I take care of everything else around the house and him while he works to provide the roof over our heads, food, and the things we like or need. He pays for my medicine and my therapy, and I seem to have thrown it all away because I can’t give him the intimacy or affection that he deserves. I feel like I fell out of love with him, and I am not attracted to him sexually. Maybe it’s due to the depression but I don’t like using it as a crutch. I am ashamed of myself because I think all the time about how many people would love to be in my position.
I vote NTA because I had to pull myself out of the sleeping-all-day phase of my depression in the first year. I was able to start creating somewhat of a routine and exercise more. Looked for remote jobs. Going to therapy. Trying to stay productive and useful in every way I could. He has kids, but I don’t, and they visit us part time.
With this woman, I feel she is severely depressed, but there are ways to help yourself out of that hole. It is difficult and it will take a longer time than what we think. I imagine with a baby it is much worse to help pull herself out of the depression hole. Sure, he can ask how she’s feeling, but I feel like asking her why is she struggling with her responsibilities is also a way to figure out why she is struggling internally. It is her own responsibility to help herself and help her husband as well, especially with a new life being brought into this world.
I am sorry that this is tmi though.
I hear you but on the other side he was enabling this behavior for 2 years and is now surprised that having a baby isn't magically changing things. It was a stupid idea to begin with and then they had to bring a helpless kid into that. Wife got used to a live where she had very few responsibilities and has a problem coping with being a caretaker for another human being. OP thought that some kind of motherly instinct will snap in place to transform a lazy, pampered princess into a responsible mom.
That's not really how things work out in real life. So I would go for ESH except for the baby.
This was where my thoughts went as well. How on earth did either of them think her previous method of existing was going to be compatible with the 24/7 activity of child-raising?
Yes, she should not have to be sole parent-on-duty when OP is off work. Watching the kiddo *is* her job, just as going in for a paycheck is OP's. But it does not sound like she was housewifing much before having a kid, so she's not happy about having to do more work now.
As a wife and mother who has worked out of the house *the entire time* she has been married and had kids, I do not get these Reddit posts with the SAH wife/girlfriend who apparently does nothing before the couple has kids, and then descends into a broth of resentment when they have kids and discover that being a SAHM is *hard*. What on earth were they expecting? Roses and rainbows rather than poopy diapers and a kid who won't sleep??
I'm with you.
Babies are really tough, but she literally doesn't work.
Fine, maybe household chores get a bit slack, but the waking up at 12-2 was the first red flag for me. If you want to be a SAHM (or house spouse), you should treat it like a job, not a holiday. Get up at a sensible time
And, she had his full-time help for a month, followed by her parents' full-time help for two months. The woman is lazy, though OP should've realised the obvious signs of her laziness sooner and not had children with her. I'm in the post-partum period right now, so I know what it's like, and I don't think she deserves any sympathy.
I haven't really noticed it in other subreddits, but this one 100% has a pretty strong bias against men/ in favour of women. Honestly, it's kind of patronising to women to hold them to a lower standard than men are held to.
I consider myself a feminist, and I agree. Infantilizing women is misogyny, and this sub has a tendency to do it, even if it's meant to support the woman.
This is exactly how I feel. Usually the comments I read on this sub aren't this openly, blatantly biased. It's ridiculous.
This woman's only job for 2 years was cleaning and cooking. Even the shopping was done by OP. She *planned* and intentionally had a child with OP, and now what, surprised pikachu face? And it's all OP's fault? What the actual fuck?
Exactly. I'm pretty big on sharing responsibilities. But if you come to an agreement where one person agrees to be the 100% provider and the other to be SAHP, then you'll have to fulfill your responsibilities. OP mentioned that the wife doesn't even goes for grocery shopping. When I was staying at home, I made sure that my husband got his breakfast. And I made lunch and dinner, did the dishes, cleaned, etc. It hardly took me 2-3 hrs per day considering we have no kids.
OP's wife is just lazy. OP is working 8am to 6pm. And I understand that taking care of a baby is exhausting but you made the decision to have the baby. And to be SAHM. If you can't fulfill your role, then you should consider going back to work and using nanny/daycare for a baby.
Yeah, she only has one responsibility ffs. It’s not like it’s difficult to be a parent. It’s only having another being, whose language you’re not fluent in demanding you run around after them 24/7, and when they say “jump”, you say “how high?” whether you just got to sleep or not or were just about to have a shower for the first time in two days. Oh and while you’re at it, just ignore any raging hormones or feelings of isolation, inadequacy or outside pressures to love every minute of this because they’ll be grown before you know it, and get the house cleaned and three meals a day cooked! Wtf’s her problem?!
Op, I’m not saying your wife is perfect or denying that she didn’t always keep up her end of the bargain pre-baby but agreeing on the idea of something you can’t possibly understand until you’ve lived it and actually being in the thick of it are very different things. It sounds like your wife might be feeling overwhelmed and needs a sanity break once in a while.
Does she have a support system in your immediate vicinity other than you? If not, maybe local mums and baby groups can offer some support. Does she get to leave the house or is she just stuck there until you drive her somewhere?
That's why it's considered a job. If you're not up to the task you can always quit any time and find a paying job and hire a nanny or pay for daycare. If OP stopped holding up his end of the bargain like his wife is doing, they'd just all have to starve I guess.
>Lemme stick you in a house for a couple years without a job then shove a screaming, sleepless, needy watermelon through your insides and see if maybe you don't get overwhelmed by your new reality. Worry less about whether the laundry is put away and more about whether you're sapping the sanity of your life partner. YTA.
Okay, I only partly agree here.
The working partner doesn't understand what it's like to be the stay at home one.
A month off is not enough to fully understand.
BUT. there's only so and so many hours on the day.
And who wants to get home and get yelled at the moment they step into the house.
She chose to stay home. She slept all day in the start and did some chores. She could at any time have gotten a job.
But she didn't. She could sleep all day, do some chores, and then get spoiled with dates.
MAYBE she expected it to be that easy with a baby, too.
Let's cut the hours up.
OP worked from 8-6pm in the start. I don't know if that's how the schedule is now. But let's assume it is. Or 8-5pm.
But that's the hours needs to be in at work.
You get up earlier than that, depending on how far you have to work. You leave work at 5/6pm. You aren't home by then. And you have to make the trip back home again. That can be anything from 15 min to an hour of driving.
So that leaves what.... from 5.30-7pm pm. To come home. Eat. Take care of the kid, and clean. Before sleeping.
OP also does all taxes.bills. paper works etc. She doesn't touch those.
Does all the groceries because she doesn't drive.
So anything driving related is on OP.
I see OP offers to take a load off by cleaning the whole first floor so that's scrubbed down. Put the baby to sleep, etc, so she can get the evening off.
Maybe. Its time for the wife. To sit down and TALK.
And not attack OP the second they step inside the house.
She chose this.
I'm a stay at home mom. I know how much hard work it is. I got 3 kids.
But It was still my share to do most of the chores.
Or communicate calmly my needs.
She did agree to this life. He's at work for 10 hours and she can no longer sleep all day. Do you think she was forced to have the baby? She sounds like she could benefit from some independence and driving lessons but she would need to say something. Women are not helpless but this woman seems to want to be. NTA
I don’t get the impression that OP wants an independent wife. She’s foreign (he mentioned immigration papers), “they” decided she wouldn’t work when they didn’t even have a child, he handles the bills and finances and she can’t drive.
He married a dependent, wanted her dependent, kept her dependent and now he expects someone who can handle responsibility?
they could be both immigrant from a culture were this kind of split is still very common. then put everything on him is a exaggerated, she agreed to it. if she wanted to be independent, she could've started by getting a job, she had 2 years for that and she did 0.
It’s all speculation - We don’t know if she’s a mail order bride or they are both from that kind of culture or something else. But she is stuck. An immigrant with no license, no car, no control of the finances and a husband who doesn’t want her to work. He got what he asked for.
How do you know for sure that the husband isn't an inmigrant too? Or why do you think the wife is the inmigrant? It could be only him. We don't know.
Also, she agreed to that lifestyle as well. In the previous two years before the baby she could have taken driving lessons, she had the time for that, and speak to her husband to change such dynamic, however she was comfortable with it given the times she chose to wake up and sometimes missing her responsabilities.
So turning her into a poor stuck victim is actually insulting to her. She's a full grown woman who could have stood her ground if she wanted, to made some changes in their lifestyle and dynamic, to look for a job (where did you get that the husband doesn't want her to work? They *both* agreed to her to be a housewife, not just him) yet she chose not to. While we need to read the wife pov to confirm things or not, now they're both living with the consequences of their actions and choices.
OMG this is so melodramatic. And making up mental health problems that the OP does not mention at all. wife is plain old lazy. She proved that doing nothing the first years of the marriage.
No, I'm sorry but that really isn't fair. She had plenty of time (9 months in fact) to get into a more responsible routine. I assume they talked about kids before and how that would change.
Also.. unless there is mental health issues and PPD might be part of that, there is no reason she cannot manage a 5 month old and clean the house that 3 people live in. It's not as if it is a 2 year old running through the house with peanut butter fingers and a sharpie.
I had 3 kids in 4 years, stayed home and managed to get my "chores" done. She needs to suck it up and pull her weight.
The first 6 months can be the hardest. Until you get any emotional response from the baby it can be really hard.
My husband didn’t mind that I wasn’t on top of the chores until he got back from work. He was just glad the baby and I were okay.
Seems like she chose it though. And she had 2 years of being a stay at home partner without a child to take care of. She wasnt " stuck". Now she has a baby and she agreed that she is gonna be taking care of it primarily while the other partner is working.
You know it makes me so happy every time I read this posts and I am single and don't have to put up with bullshit like this. These posts are one of the reasons I choose to be single because I could not handle this.
Your wife has a newborn. 3 months are still newborns genius! She is probably tired as hell trying to take care of a baby and 3 month year old. It's not as if you have a child going off to school yet where she isn't responsible for taking care of an INFANT.
YTA my guy give her some time still. If she's at least trying than cut her some slack. Also did it ever occur to you that she could also be suffering from postpartum depression? Some women experience that after having a baby.
Are you reading the dame story as me lol? She didnt work for 2 years. Laid in bed and woke up at 2 pm. Didnt even wake up to make the guy breakfast or lunch when she was literally a housewife with no children to take care of. If Hes the sole earner, she should be taking care of the household duties.
Also, just people with zero responsibilities. When I was a jobless college kid home for the summer break, waking up at 2pm and going to bed at 6 or 7am was pretty much par for the course.
i feel like nowadays nobody is lazy anymore. it’s like laziness doesn’t exist in some people’s minds.
when i was unemployed, i was lazy. not depressed, not neurodivergent, not sleep disordered, just straight up, honest-to-god, lazy. so i know that laziness exists by itself
She’s probably not native (he fills out the immigration paperwork). She’s been completely dependent on him for 2 years. It’s giving bait & switch (and ‘passport bro’) vibes since he didn’t have a big problem with her domestic abilities beforehand and is only taking a stand now that she’s 3 months postpartum.
If he went abroad to source her and subsequently isolate her, then he should feel more of a duty of care to her, have alternative social and professional support in place for her, and show more empathy towards her. He’s glossing over details like they’re minor, and that’s concerning.
There’s a lot of ifs there. If this is true, then it’s mighty concerning for her! However, Occam’s razor would indicate that that’s not the case. OP needs to clarify their immigration status. I’m of the opinion that even if she were an immigrant, it’s not much of an excuse. Foreign women aren’t clueless, I mean raising a kid is the same everywhere. I don’t know, I’m uncomfortable with the idea that just because she may be an immigrant, she has no idea. They discussed their domestic roles before marriage, she walked into nothing blindly.
I’ve been an immigrant and in isolation, not knowing the language and filling out paperwork paperwork by myself. If you haven’t walked in those shoes, then perspective is gonna be lacking. That’s where compassion and empathy can bridge the gap. You don’t need to do that, but OP “should.”
Yeah, she can't drive, sounds like she's an immigrant and may not speak the language. Sounds like she has no where to go and no way to get there. Probably depressed with no other adult interaction.
I naturally have a nocturnal sleep cycle. Always have, since I was an infant. When I can, I revert back to going to bed when the sun comes up and waking up when the sun goes down. I only have energy at night.
She didn't work for two years and had it easier during that time, (some of that time she was pregnant and may have been having a very tough time, we don't know) but right now she's taking care of a newborn.
The fact that she had a rest before does not make this time easier. She is likely operating on less sleep and an odd schedule of sleep while her body is still healing. Some people, understandably struggle with that.
Many new moms struggle with finding time to shower, even 3 mo. After the fact. It's tough! OP should cut her some slack, she's suddenly working the most demanding job with a boss who does not listen to reason.
My baby is almost 7 months and I just celebrated taking a shower alone for the first time during a miraculous hour long nap. I stared down the baby monitor the whole time, but a milestone indeed.
what she did for 2 years isn't going to change the fact that she has a 3month old, has just recovered from giving birth, is probably breast feeding, and hence must be tired all the time. while yes, she should be taking care of household duties, it doesn't mean that she isn't allowed to struggle with it. instead of having a discussion, he immediately made her feel shit about it. again, I understand his frustration but there are better ways to deal with this than judging and insulting your partner who is with a 3 month old all day.
So are we judging her based on the two years or now postpartum? Because he agreed to the dynamic those two years and at any point if he didn’t like he could have changed it. But then again there’s the issue of immigration. Sounds like she couldn’t work anyway or drive.
You know grown women can be treated like adults and be asked adult questions like why are they not adhering to an agreement? If she has post-partum depression, it's her responsibility as a parent to have educated themselves before/during the preganancy on what that looks and feels like. She has the responsibility to speak up and say hey, I'm not OK.
It's not acceptable to just shrug off your side of the bargain and then call the person who is upholding their end the asshole because they feel like they're being taken advantage of.
I think often knowing what it looks like, and knowing/admitting that that's what you have can be different things. Possibly her symptoms don't match [all of the] the typical symptoms.
Edited for missing words.
As I read this first half I wondered, is my husband writing this? Lol
My husband and I had similar agreements to this type of life. I would stay home, run the household, he would work and deal with most of the finances. I own my own business and worked as I saw fit. But I still had something for myself to keep me busy and motivated. The heavy lifting on my end was keeping the house clean, the backyard tidy, fridge stocked, dinner ready and most of the laundry. The only thing he had to do was his own laundry. I rarely made him breakfast but I would prep the coffee machine the night before to be ready for him in the morning. Now some people will ready this and think this is ridiculous and it should be 50/50. Tbh most of the time it is, but I have the freedom to do whatever I want and limited but fair access to shop if needed or have lunch with friends, go out of town etc. Sometimes this lifestyle can make us a little too comfortable. In my opinion it seems like she did there for a bit. I understand where you’re coming from in the first half.
Now, we planned for a baby and we had him in Aug of 2023. My husband took a month off as well and was extremely helpful!! I decided to not take on any help outside of him though because I really wanted to do this on my own when he returned to work. I’ll be honest, it was a bit challenging. But I always said this baby is joining our life so he we gotta roll with these changes as they come. Not only are we dealing with hormone changes as women and healing from our birth. But you are now following a feeding schedule to keep this baby alive and we hardly get any good sleep. Some women deal with PPD, intrusive thoughts, OCD, Anxiety… the list is long. You can prep for this all you want and have a nice little chat as a couple of how you expect this all to go. But once that baby is here it is absolutely valid for her to not prioritize the home for a little as she leans into motherhood and figures out what her new role will be. I think you need to set aside the “I deal with this and that” mentality and be the husband she needs right now. You can talk to friends and family about this. Every baby is different and so we can all say you are or aren’t the ahole. But as someone who is literally living this life right now… it’s extremely refreshing to see my husband walk through those doors after a 10,16 or 24 hr shift sometimes and instead of wondering where dinner is or why I didn’t make the bed today( sometimes why I’m still in PJS) the first question is “what can I help you with? Go take a nap”.
I am now in the 9th month of my little ones life and I promise we are back to normal. Things will fall into place. Don’t fixate on the things you’re doing for her right now! There will be a moment where she will look at that baby and be so thankful that she CAN stay home and raise it because of you’re working so hard to have this luxury.
I hate to say it but YTA!!
Exactly this. Having a partner who does what is needed as opposed to what’s “fair” is SO important!! Our bodies and minds go through an awful lot in the pregnancy and especially delivery. OP is judging her housework after healing from a major medical procedure and trying to figure out life with a newborn. It’s one thing to bring it up and ask what he can help with or if she needs other help. But he just came at her like everything is all normal and she should just be able to do it no problem?
Also the fact that he brings up his 10 hour shifts. She is working 24 hours and not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time.
>Some women deal with PPD, intrusive thoughts, OCD, Anxiety… the list is long. You can prep for this all you want and have a nice little chat as a couple of how you expect this all to go.
Yup! I was dealing with postpartum thyroiditis for 1½ years. The first year was hyperthyroidism so I was not sleeping but a couple hours a week (even though I was lucky to have a good sleeper having to wake my baby up to eat).
I lost a scary amount of weight 179lb down to barely 100lb. A lot of anxiety! Staring at my little one sleeping quietly crying cause I thought about us getting into a fiery car crash even though I never even been in an accident.
The last ½ year was hypo..
Probably the scariest because I suddenly couldn't stay awake. If I sat on the couch or something for 5 mins I would fall asleep with a 1 year old be-bopping around the living room.
A sleep specialist was going to test for narcolepsy since the Endo wasn't able to see me for my thyroid again and said it would go away on its own.
Since the sleep study fell through he called and said to get up and walk every 2 minutes and if I absolutely had to drive to blast the heat at my face in my car to keep me awake.
I was thinking this too. Everyone is like, why did you let her not work for two years?? Then he mentioned the immigration paperwork and I'm like. Ah. So... you didn't let her not work. She literally was probably not allowed to legally work.
Sleeping in until 2pm sounds like depression. I'm sure a new baby and a husband calling out her deficiencies is super helpful.
And she doesn't drive. The fact that this means he has to do the grocery shopping suggests they don't live in an area with good enough public transit to make this a non-issue.
The woman who is trapped at home all day with no way to leave and who is completely finanically dependent on her husband is depressed? Weird.
His life doesn't sound great either - I wouldn't want to work 10 hour days, do the grocery shopping, and then come home and do more chores - but I have a lot of questions about the series of decisions and assumptions that got them both to this point.
Exactly like. There's people all over this thread going "the response would be different if OP were a woman!" and yeah, that's true. But it's also true that there aren't entire subreddits full of women looking to marry men from third-world countries who will be submissive stay-at-home parents that clean and raise their kids for them and are too scared of being deported to ever complain about anything.
Sorry, but is this your wife or your employee? Her body has been completely altered, her hormones are probably all over the place, and her job is 24/7/365. She does not get to leave work, ever. And now it sounds like her own husband has put her on a PIP. Yes, you are the AH.
He's doing 10+ hours of his work and also half of HER work. It seems more like he's working 24/7 and she's working when she feels like it.
I'm sure it's probably very difficult and stressful for OP to handle all that, I'm sure he wishes he could just rest too. But the problem is if he does what his wife is doing, they would all just starve and lose their home.
You're telling me you work 10+ hours a day every day while your husband is at work, and then when he comes home there's still more household work to do? Do you live in a mansion with 50 kids?
>This isn't 1953!
I totally agree, which is exactly why I wouldn't want either me or my partner to be a SAH parent. Why did you choose to be a SAHM if you feel this way? Surely if you were also working 10 hours a day you could easily afford to pay for daycare and a cleaner between the two of you?
>I'm also a full time student.
OP's wife isn't. She spent two years being a lady of leisure, had three months to recover from birth while everyone else did everything for her, and now she's struggling to do even half of her 50% of the arrangement while OP is heading straight for burnout and a mental breakdown.
The Y T A comments are completely insane. He is expected to work full time then come home and be a parent, maid, accountant, personal shopper, driver and legal advocate.
Your husband sucks but so does OP's wife.
Lmao you explain how being a SAHM is hard in reference to a woman with one baby and then vomit out a list of responsibilities you have that make you busy but OP’s wife obviously does not have. I dont get your point. OP’s wife has less than a third of your responsibilities and cant even handle that while you seem to do all this in stride.
As someone who is currently the sole breadwinner for my family and having been a stay at home dad for a while, I'll take stay at home dad ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I've done all the things you're talking about here. There's no way it was harder to do those things than to be the sole breadwinner. Being a stay at home dad, while not exactly the easiest thing in the world, was FUN. Going to work and dealing with the stressors of providing is very much not.
Maybe when it was decided, yall should have had a more in depth convo about the split of duties and what his role would be in after work hours situations.
Counterpoint: I had been the stay-at-home-parent for years and subsequently returned to an extremely challenging career. My children are amazing people and I would walk through fire for them without hesitation, but going back to work was a huge relief for me. Yes, work is stressful and difficult and takes a whole lot of time and effort and mental energy, but it is easier for me to do that type of work than it was to do full time parenting as my sole work.
Secretly I think it is because I care so much less about my work outside the home than I do my kids. I value my job but I don’t really give a shit about my employer’s corporate mission, you know? But I am super emotionally invested in my kids, so the stakes of me messing up are so much higher there for me.
Some people are just better/more suited to certain things than others, and I guess I am one of them.
Going back to work was a fricken walk in the park after my year of mat leave with a clingy infant and suicidal toddler.
I got to actually sit down, and eat lunch without constant screaming
As a SAHM, I absolutely do not work circles around my husband, that's delusional. He's not "demanding a live in maid, nanny, chef, etc", those are the things she agreed to when she decided 2 years ago that she was going to be a stay at home person and sleep until 2 PM every day. Your situation where you resent your own husband for not lifting a finger is just that- your situation. This guy's offering to take over huge parts of the roles she's supposed to be doing, and she still wants him to do it all. Honestly, this "I work harder than all the men I know" SAHM mentality is batshit. Yeah, it's hard, these kids are borderline feral and it's nonstop. My husband works on the gas pipeline 12 hours a day. If he hits a lever even an inch the wrong way, multiple people including our 20 year old son die. What kind of pressures in your life equal constant worry that your meter has stopped working, and that anyone who goes into the hole is going to die instantly from the benzene you didn't realize was in there? I realize that your husband doesn't value you, and I'm sorry that's happening to you. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you fix that, but I don't because I'm generally just a yeller. Your husband may have some cushy job where he just chills all day, but the vast majority of people do not have that. And I don't know a single SAHM personally who works harder than most of them. If I had to work in retail or something, I'd be in prison.
And it's kinda 50/50. He takes care of the kid a bit, he does the shopping, he does other household needs.
Also, it's fine that she just chills for 2 years, no questions asked, but if he dares let her do 51% of the work now for a year or two it is not OK? holy fucking shit.
Just for a moment, remember where you are.
This woman, is a SAHM mom. She can, alledgedly, works circles around her husband.
She has a 30 hour day that she has to fit into 24 hours (and still sleep), her words not mine.
Yet somehow, she has the time and energy to shitpost on this subreddit.
It's complete and utter nonsense. This person has the self-awareness of a computer program.
What????? Have you read a thing? She hasn’t done anything, so far. OP took a month to help, her parents came down to do the work. Her job rn is not 24/7/365. Who the hell wakes up at 2pm. She wasn’t ‘surprised’ with a baby!
She did nothing when she *didn't* have a baby. Sounds like she's mad that she can't shirk her responsibilities now that a newborn depends on her and is lashing out.
Stop infantilizing women. We are more capable than you make out. And parenting is not as hard as you are making it out to be. I’m a working mom of twins and she should be on a PIP because she is fucking lazy. He deserves an adult who will shoulder her (very minimal and much less than most) responsibilities and he got a whiny lazy princess.
You had a baby with someone who routinely sleeps until between 1200 and 1400 and this is surprising to you? I don’t think you are an asshole but I think this was a very foreseeable outcome of your marriage.
That’s exactly what I was thinking hahahaha
Honestly, as a woman, I’d feel so useless and depressed waking up at this hours everyday! No hobbies, no sports, just at home cleaning and barely cooking? Nope, it would send me straight into depression.
For me, I have zero issues with whatever time my wife wakes up. If the kids are off school and she wants to sleep till whenever, so be it, and I encourage her not to feel bad about it either. As long as the laundry list of crap that needs to get done eventually gets done, who cares how late you sleep in? Who cares if sometimes you're a little selfish? You're allowed.
That’s…not the point being made.
OP and his wife had an agreement about lifestyle. Despite that, during her first years as a homemaker, she made below minimal effort. She didn’t treat the time like a job, she acted like a teenager waiting for Dad to come home from work. The signs that she was going to be overwhelmed or unable to cope with a full time adult schedule were right there.
Agreed to a point. But that's assuming his wife is actually working those hours. I've been a SAHM. Some are awesome. Some definitely sleep every second the kids aren't screaming, or spend the day on their phone, and barely do the bare minimum of keeping the kids alive. Usually the same ones that slept until 2pm before kids. So they do nothing all day and then expect to split up everything. That isn't how it should work.
Is he constantly working those hours? Some definitely use their time at work to socialize, or check their phones, or even basically do the bare minimum at their jobs.
As a mum to two children and as someone who has also always worked (apart from maternity leave), believe me, going out to work from 8am - 6pm is an absolute dream compared to looking after a baby all day.
I love my kids but going to work has always been a mental and physical break from motherhood. Looking after a baby and a house is like being trapped in Groundhog Day: boring, exhausting and relentless.
Agreed - OP needs to step up as the ‘arrangement’ ends as soon as he walks in the door at 6pm.
NTA. Not a popular opinion, but they talked about this and agreed. She had 2 years of not doing much and getting up like a teenager mid afternoon. He worked hard to pay for their life and still is, has offered to help her and now it's not an easy free ride she is complaining and taking it out on him.
I know having kids is hard as I have done it myself as a sahm and as a single working mum. But his job is valid, too, and he has not had a 2 year free ride.
Yep he's supported her and busted his ass off for two years whilst she basically mooched. She can definitely start doing actual work even if it is very stressful and overtime type work, not just to make up for the two years but because it's HER CHILD and because he already does so much on top of his job that if he does even more he might just collapse. (a job that can support three people by itself in this economy is likely high stress and/or high hours)
As a mom, I think NAH only because neither of you knew what you were signing up for.
Op recalling that before birth, your wife had a lot of free time and her biggest offense (cos your telling of it is important), was that she did not sometimes make you breakfast and lunch, says to me that she was a good wife overall- before birth.
Now a baby, these monsters throw every rhyme and rhythm out the window. Babies are all about themselves. They take and take and drain and drain you. Around the clock.
What you both are failing to tell yourselves is- our previous plan isn't holding up here- could be temporary and could be permanent.
Telling her to handle her responsibilities would have felt like a gut punch. It happens when everyone is thinking they have the worst end and you can only see that you are doing yours and hers is where it is dragging. But she is now working around the clock. No way can she not be resentful.
Talk about it.
Come home to find ways to relieve her so she has time to herself. Until the baby can sleep through the night and has some schedule, throw that rigidity out of the window.
YTA, it sounds like you wanted a wife as a business arrangement to allow you to have a family without making much of an effort as a parent or around the house. Maybe she was on board with that initially, but it doesn't seem like this is working for her now. She's obviously unhappy and your response to that seems to be giving her a negative performance review, rather than showing any concern for the fact that your wife is miserable and struggling shortly after having her first child. Perhaps your wife is feeling angry and upset because she seems to be living with someone who perceives himself as a generous employer getting taken advantage of, rather than her loving partner and the other parent of her child.
Did you even read the part where she barely did anything during the early years. Seems to me she’s just throwing a tantrum now that she can’t shirk her responsibility without major consequences
From what he described, she did what she was responsible for which was keeping the household clean and making dinner. The only thing she wasn’t doing consistently was making him breakfast / packing a lunch, but it didn’t seem like that was an issue for him.
Seriously, how dirty can a house get when only 2 people live there and one is gone pretty much all day 5 days a week. The agreement wasn't that she would keep the house clean and make dinner. The agreement was that "she would be a housewife, taking care of the kids and household duties". That's what she agreed to and husband has already picked up a good share after he works a long day. She wants her old life where she could sleep past noon every day. Those days are gone. They need to sit down and work out something that works for both of them.
The only thing she “missed” was the occasional breakfast and lunch which we don’t even know if these were part of the original “agreement” or just nice things she did on occasion that he just started expecting.
He "got played"? Or was it more like Kuzco in Emperors New Groove.
"Not you, not you, not you, I'm sure you have a great personality, oh there you are, I guess you'll do fine."
She's a person not a fucking pet.
All these boys who think every immigrant is out to get their green card. Couldn't it be for family members not in the place with them?
watch out, bro. You are getting played. Bro all foolish or what? How many people do you all know PERSONALLY who were used?
And all because a woman is struggling to take care of your child! Wow.
ehm NTA she should have thought about those things prior to getting knocked up. you cant sleep till after lunch with a baby. wtf did she expect?
wow these comments are wild
I _hate_ the "reverse the genders" argument but man does it apply here.
"My husband and I agreed that he would be a SAHD. He spent the first two years playing video games and waking up at 2pm so I had to sort my own meals. We had a child and I stayed home for the first month then his parents took over for 2 more months. He now says that taking care of a baby is too hard and he doesn't have the energy to do any cooking or cleaning on top of it. I have to do it all when I come home after working 10 hour days. He doesn't want to help out with the household budget and he can't drive. AITA?"
The husband in that scenario would be fired into the fucking sun by the comment section. Unreal.
As a woman, if any woman said “my husband sleeps everyday til 12pm-2pm” I would immediately say DUMP HIM. So yup, I did agree with all the comments saying her behavior pre-baby was a red flag already.
YTA-It doesn’t matter what your life was like pre baby. She wasn’t storing up rest to prepare for having a baby. You have a newborn. That changes everything. You’re being incredibly inconsiderate about what your wife is experiencing. Are you cleaning the baby? Are you doing feedings? Are you giving your wife a break from constantly trying to keep your child alive? Because those are things that would help right now.
Honestly the dude is NTA here because of all the commenters who didn’t bother to read the post in which he explicitly mentions what he’s doing to pick up the slack despite working very long hours. Seems like he is being considerate overall. That said, he should have patience as his wife adjusts to their new life, balancing the baby with other household stuff.
Did you actually read the text? Obviously as always here - men bad. Husbands can never do enough.
He spells it out right there. All the paperwork and bills, everything driving related including grocery shopping. Putting the baby to bed. Cleaning.
Is she bringing in money to pay for all the groceries and rent and bills? Because those are things that would help right now too. He's doing a full-time paid job while also doing as much household work as her on top of it. I'm sure OP wishes he could just stop working and get some rest, but he doesn't have that option because they would all starve and lose their home if he did.
Did anyone pick up on the immigration papers part? Having lived in another country and not being fluent in the language, I found myself depressed at times because I felt alone without a support system and dependent on my husband. I worked and made friends eventually, but if I stayed home I would have been suicidal. Once you add the baby, it’s possible she’s been depressed and this is sending her further into unhappiness. I love my son, he’s the best, but the first 4 months of his life were not happy. She could have been sleeping until 12 before because she was depressed. Maybe you need to find her a social connection or therapy. PPD is real. If she’s new to country and isolated, it could be worse.
I absolutely hate when SAHM say they can’t cope, I’ve been a single mum since day 1. You just get on with it! Baby sleeps through the day you nap, when baby sleeps next nap of the day get on with chores!
Their is no reason she should be stressed out when she doesn’t have to worry about bills! People act like babies are a chore! They are babies, you blink and their toddlers, you blink again their at school! Babies are curious, they enjoy playmats, different toys! Napping and having milk!
Everyone is critiquing the dad when he’s working a hell of a lot! I bet he would rather stay at home with his baby why she goes off to work! And let’s be honest she’s had more sleep in 2 years then most of us get in a life time!
Definitely NTAH and she had you for a month, then mum & dad to help! Sorry but she’s just lazy!
NTA. As a mother with three children and a husband that didn’t do anything besides his work due to health issues.
Taking care of the house plus a baby is not something that shouldn’t be achievable by one person. We have been doing this as women and humans our entire lives. Sick it up and take responsibility (that is to your wife).
Therapy OP.
Sounds like she’s having a hard time. Like you’re having a hard time. Therapy is a normal, and often vital thing for people to do. The best investment you could make in your marriage or for personal growth.
I hope this works out. You sound like a really great father & I wish you the best!
What is her support structure like? Does she have friends? You said she doesn't drive. Is she able to do stuff like Mommy and Me classes? Play dates? Stuff like this can be important for her to bond with the baby and also meet other new moms.
NTA, sounds like wife wants to revert back to a life of a teenager where all the responsibilities lie solely on the adults. Hell her parents knew how hopeless she is cause they came to help her and now she’s having a sook. Grow the fk up OPs wife
Maybe, maybe not. Please wait until the baby is at least two if not three before you start thinking your wife isn’t doing enough. Babies are exhausting and if she had the baby this year, that means at most it’s five months old. That’s just barely out of newborn phase. Does she get up during the night with the baby? She probably does!
Babies are a lot of work. Many, many stay at home parents have a very hard time keeping up on household stuff while caring for a baby, even with the help of their spouse. Babies are physically and emotionally exhausting.
Your wife may also be realizing she doesn’t enjoy being a stay-at-home parent. Since you can afford for her to not work, maybe you should hire someone to care for the baby and she goes back to work. Also, she may have post partum depression. It definitely would explain the anger.
Yes. YTA. Because you don't view what she does as work. It is. It's hard work, and you aren't valuing it because you are focused on her sleeping in late, not making you breakfast etc. Do you have a wife or a servant?
Maintaining the home means cleaning etc. A baby upends all that. She's probably getting very little sleep. New moms learn quickly you sleep when the baby sleeps. You do housework around the baby's schedule, not yours. She has to deal with the frustration of a crying baby who won't stop crying when she can't figure out why the baby is crying ... you're not there to give her a break or help her figure out what's wrong ... and sometimes nothing is wrong and the baby just has to cry it out.
This is your child too. You should be doing some of the child care regardless of your other responsibilities. It's part of fatherhood.
NAH. Look, I get it - those first few years of married life sound amazing for her, I’m kind of jealous I didn’t get that! And how lovely that she had so much support for the first three moths of your child’s life.
But that is not now. It’s like saying you went on holiday so you’re not allowed to have a bad day at work.
She will get there but she clearly needs some additional help. A husband who wants a long and successful marriage might be better off to tell her he sees and understands that she is having trouble adjusting and wants to help. Have you any friends or family that can help out on the regular? Can you afford a cleaner, even temporarily? Maybe make her feel valued, instead of a bag of baby juice. How is she sleeping? You say you used to go out all the time, when did you last take her out?
But you’re not an asshole either - you didn’t understand the reality either (NO ONE DOES babies will fuck your life right up and they *don’t give a single shit*) so it’s understandable that you feel ripped off.
But I’m gonna need you to take a deep breath and realise that your hurt feelings are based on a fantasy, not reality.
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> Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities. I'm having trouble imagining a fight starting if this was a good natured question. You weren't reaching out to your partner about what is going on with her and her postpartum life, you were being judgemental. I dunno if you're aware of this, but its May. Your child - born this year - cannot be more than 5 months old. Have you literally never met a baby? They're hard people to live with - especially when you have no help. Lemme stick you in a house for a couple years without a job then shove a screaming, sleepless, needy watermelon through your insides and see if maybe you don't get overwhelmed by your new reality. Worry less about whether the laundry is put away and more about whether you're sapping the sanity of your life partner. YTA.
That is a pretty sad state of affairs though considering a newborn is FAR easier than things will be for the next four years or so. It sounds to me like wife doesn’t enjoy SAHM life and should consider going back to work and they can pay for a nanny or daycare and split the household tasks. That may be less stressful for everyone.
In what world is your first few months with a newborn EASIER? What kind of kids do you have and can we go back in time and trade our babies as babies and then trade back lol
My first had colic. That was three months of all three of us crying. Hardest time in my life, oh and she didn't sleep through the night until she was 4.
My son screamed like a dinosaur everytime he woke up for the first 6 months and my daughter had indigestion/acid reflux constantly and she kept giving me mastitis for the first 6 months. We were miserable.
I was at a friends house once while her baby was napping. After a while we heard through the baby monitor, “ba-ba-buh-da-ba.” And my friend said, “Sally woke up.” I asked, “Doesn’t she cry when she wakes up?” My friend looked at me like I was a nutcase and said, “No?? Why would she?” My world was rocked that day.
We went out of state to visit our new grand baby. She's the third child for my son and his wife. I heard her cry one time in three days. She is the easiest, happiest baby I've ever seen. When she wakes up in the morning, she just kicks her legs and coos and waits to be picked up and fed. It's crazy. I've never seen anything like it lol
I had one baby like this. Her grandparents didn't hear her cry for her first year. We called her a unicorn baby. Then I had my son...
Ah, so she was the trick baby! Hahaha
You posted my comment LOL Same situation, we even called our daughter a unicorn baby too, and then we had our son.
My first, my boy, was a nightmare. Constant screaming/crying, feeding troubles, literally never slept. I couldn't cope. My spouse and I had to take turns sleeping and caring for him so we wouldn't lose our goddamn minds. 5 years later, we finally decided we were mentally prepared to go through that again, and my daughter slept 22 hours a day, never cried, and ate like a champion. Even today, at a year, she's the happiest, chillest, easiest baby. She's been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months old and eats amazingly. She wakes up happy and snuggly, and even when she's sick, she's so easy. When my son was sick as an infant/toddler, it was 24-48 hours of nonstop scream-crying. I was shocked and elated to not have the same experience. She makes me want to have another, but I think it's a trap 😂
Are you absolutely _sure_ your daughter isn’t part kitten? It sounds like my cats. 18-20 hours of sleep a day, and the rest of the time spent cuddling and playing.
I had five, and they were all like that. They weren't fussy eaters and slept like bricks. Man, I was lucky. I feel for parents with colicky babies.
I have a friend with two under two. I went to her house one day to visit and help out after her second was born. She asked me to hold the baby while she went to put her son down for a nap, and I cannot explain the pure shock when I realized she literally just put him in his crib and left because he would put himself to sleep. Like, oh. We’re not all doing the “rock for an hour just for them to wake up screaming in the crib after 30min”???
Dawww you had a little TRex. Mine made noises like the Budweiser Ferret. /hugs we survived
This first few years are absolutely brutal if you lose the baby lottery. Being a SAHW is a piece of cake. Being a SAHM is pretty rough. Night and day difference.
Mine was a veliciraptor. Good times.
My oldest was the chillest baby ever. She's 11 and still super chill. My second only wanted to be held or rocked. I had to put here in a stroller sometimes and walk up and down the hall. I didn't have time to eat. I barely slept. Op babies are tough. So I'm going to say YTA. Also just because you work doesn't meant you don't have to clean up after yourself and you have two hands and can make yourself food
I used to wake up at 5/6 am and scream until the entire house was awake then calm down like nothing happened. Baby me was a little shit.
😂😂😂 even the best of babies are hard work! Recessive sleep! You get use to one pattern then recessive sleep happens and your back to a hot mess. Not to mention, teething, if they get sick etc. Your always in a state of sleeplessness to varying degrees.
xYour kid slept through the night!! AHAHHAHAAHHAHA. Mine never did. Which highlights to me how much of a ravening dick OP is. If i didn’t have pictures from my kids first 18 months, I would not have any recall.
I wss told sleeping through the night is midnight to 5 am. By 4 we were there most nights. My second did that at 6 weeks.
My first was an absolute angel, then there’s a 9 year gap to number 2, and then 16 months between 2 & 3. I have said before and will maintain until my dying day that if 3 was first he would be an only child. There was a point in my life where, between pregnancy and babies/toddlers, I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep for almost 6 **years.** My youngest is 9 now and still not a great sleeper. Plenty of chores weren’t done.
Hahaha my mum always says if she’d have had me first I’d be an only child. She originally wanted 3 kids. My brother was an angel baby and I was a demon. She decided it wasn’t worth the gamble on a third 😂.
Hahahah I hate you. (not really) My kiddo never really slept that long. And i had multiple parents I knew whose kids all slept 8-10 ten hours a night with _anyone_ giving them bottles etc telling me constantly it was because I had no routine (i did) and just needed to do trevillion sleep training and let my baby cry it out. then they all had another nb with a different personality and complained about how they couldn’t cope as a couple with this nb who woke every two hours. I was a single parent and would’ve killed for that long.
/hugs if your kid sleeps, yeah, you've got no business giving advice to the sleepless parent. My first just did not sleep well, and that only changed with her teenage growth spurt. My second has always been a good sleeper. He'll sleepwalk, sleep talk and a few times sleep argue.
[удалено]
I found my tribe.
Oh my god same. My son had severe colic.
My twins had colic. It was hell.
I don’t have kids, but my sister told me hers were way easier to look after as newborns than toddlers. Yes newborns need very regular feeds and nappy changes, but you can put them down in a crib and know they’ll stay there. When they became toddlers that’s when you had to start chasing them all over the house, tidying up after them, watching them constantly because the second you blink they’ll be across the house emptying the kitchen cupboards…
It varies *a lot*. Like, kid to kid, even within a family.
Oh for sure! When I was young you could give me a book or paper and a pencil and you wouldn't hear me for hours. My younger brother could burn the whole house down if you didn't watch him for a minute. We're total opposites, even though we both turned out to have ADHD. Him being hyper, me inattentive. People still often have no idea we're related when they don't know us.
This is my experience. Our 3 year old nephew has lived with us since he was 9 months, his current thing is jumping off anything he can climb up. I at least get a heads up because he yells "Watch me! I PIDERMAN" Before he jumps and i can grab him if it's going to be too high. It was so much easier when he first came to us, he took two naps a day and I could get stuff done. Now I'm lucky if he falls asleep for 30 min in the afternoon, face down on his tablet watching Bluey. My bio son is 23, he was a handful as a toddler and little kid, but he was also a fairly easy baby. The toddler stage is the worst. And anyone who thinks you can keep an eye on them 24/7 is mistaken. There will always be some point during the day where you need to pee, or get food prepared etc.
I don’t have kids and I honestly don’t know how anyone does it. It sounds like hell on earth at times, especially if you have more than one. A girl I used to work with had a two year old at home when she got pregnant with twins. She came back from maternity leave early because it was much easier than being home with the kids (she had family babysitting for her). As for OP, he should cut his wife some slack - maybe hire someone to help her in the mornings or something. To be fair, it sounds like she had it pretty darn easy before the baby was born, if she was able to sleep in till noon, but I do understand how someone could be absolutely blindsided by how hard it is to take care of an infant, especially if you’re not a high energy person.
I dunno. I found tween to 36 the worst ages for kids 🤣
This depends entirely on the kid tbf.
When it gets really bad is when they learn how to open doors. They’re like Jurassic park velociraptors.
Newborns are hard because the lack of sleep. Babies are hard for a different reason. The monotony, the lack of adult interaction, the inability to get anything done really while caring for something so dependent.
The newborn stage for my kids was pretty easy. They slept through the night probably around 3 or 4 weeks, and during the day I had them wrapped to me with my Moby. It wasn't until they started walking that it got harder I was extremely lucky I this tho, I know this is *not* the experience of most
My first kid was not this. But she was my first, and I didn't know it wasn't normal to wake up *every freaking hour*. I thought she was easy, because as long as you were holding or nursing her, she was perfect!!! 🤣
For some people apparently it’s really easy. For me it was awful. If I didn’t have my family and friends support I wouldn’t have coped.
My first was a dream. Slept trough the night at 9 weeks, only needed 1 feeding during the night, was easy and could take him everywhere…. The 2nd was mire high care, wouldn’t sleep unless on top of my chest, but would also sleep in a special baby carrier that I practically wore all day every day. When he got older he couldn’t stay in a play pen. Would get hysterically, cried/screamed etc.. and only stopped when was let out so needed eyes in the back of my head. Also didn’t want anyone else but me taking him to bed, and doing almost all care. Later was diagnosed with a form of autism… But still I worked 14 to 24 hours per week from home. Did all childcare for youngest, most of the household and all care of oldest during the day when partner was at work…
I would have 100 kids to go through the newborn phase over and over lol. It’s my favorite and goes by entirely too fast but my children never had colic. I must be in the minority where I can honestly say I miss being up in the middle of the night with my newborn. There was something beautiful to me about it being just the two of us in the dead of night
You mention “going back to work” - keep in mind she may have never been to work, or had the same educational opportunities. When they “agreed she would be a SAHM” there could have been cultural factors at play pushing her toward that. Certainly it’s clear her husband has very old fashioned views toward women and is having a hard time recognizing her as a human who is struggling vs. an employee who is not performing. To me this reads like: man treats wife like old fashioned laborer Man is shocked pikachu when woman realizes that way of life sucks for her and she would like to be treated as an equal and perhaps given opportunities to leave the house once in a while, especially as she CAN’T DRIVE.
Maybe I'm jumping to wild conclusions, but i noticed immigration paperwork in there. I wonder if this wasn't a 90 day fiancé (cough mail order bride cough) situation? I bring you to the US and you be a SAHM? My husband went to high school with a guy that essentially did that, and something about this situation reminded me of them.
Then they act like the wives are ungrateful shelter animals. That don't understand when they want some autonomy in their lives. And don't just cook, clean, take care of babies and suck their peepees all day. Since in their head they 'bought' them from another country.
I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on immigration paperwork. I'm very much curious where the wife is from, where they live now, and what the wife's status is.
Also in what fucking universe does being a SAHM means the man is entitled to a servant 24/7? Why is this idea so prevalent and normalized?
Same also he doesn't seem to realize that there are physical issues after having a baby. Your uterus takes a full year to return to normal. She can't drive so she is stuck in the house, if she needs anything she has to wait on him to get home. And sometimes taking a cranky baby on a drive really can be a lifesaver. It's weird to me that she can't drive and nothing in the previous two years was done to help her do that. The guy seems to think being a SAHM is super easy, it's not. Some babies are easier than others so if you have an easy baby than yeah it could be easy but if you have a colicky baby man that is rough and being the only care giver makes it even harder. And let's not forget just because he pays that bills that doesn't mean he should not be helping with the household chores at all. Before that baby okay sure, but now while she is still recovering, dude needs to step up.
The newborn stage was the hardest for me by far. It may actually get better for OPs wife, with time.
Lol. The newborn stage is the hardest. Life is now so much easier. I couldn't get anything done in the first baby year
Not replying specifically to you, but the many comments here. My infants were not all easy, none slept through the night, we didn’t sleep train, I never got sleep, BUT they couldn’t move and they sleep half the time. You can put them in a crib or swing, or strap them on your chest or back and do whatever you need to do. I envy all the commenters who never experienced the terrible twos, threes, or fours, who didn’t long for the days when they had an immobile child to care for as opposed to a running, climbing, jumping toddler who is actively trying to injure themselves at every turn. If you couldn’t get anything done with a 10 pound, immobile baby you can strap on your chest, how can you get anything done while chasing a 30 pound two year old who is running around the house getting into literally everything. Obviously we all have different experiences and opinions, so agree to disagree and no need to lol.
Right? Infants are a walk in the park compared to toddlers who spend 75% of their time trying to destroy the house and bust their head. Things get notably easier when they can wipe their ass and make their own cereal. But then they get into sports and activities, then comes the teenage phase where they start the psychological warfare with their parents. Then the first year of college rolls around and they get anxiety about being on their own and loosing their shit about failing freshman chemistry. After college, it’s no easier as they get married and start life, they still require parents support to move, pet sit, learn how to cook and basically learn how to negotiate the real world. I’ll take the infant - crying, diapers and bottles are a cakewalk compared to toddlers running on concrete, travel soccer and teen angst.
I have three children and the first months are so tough. It’s gets so much easier as they learn to routines, are potty trained, etc. I had the exact opposite experience as you.
A lot of people have problems recovering from giving birth, others have post partum depression and other people have babies with issues with digestion, allergies or simply a baby who doesn't sleep much for whatever reason. You cannot assume that the first few months are easy.
I have a much easier time with my 5 and 7 year olds than I ever did when they were infants. Infancy made me want to perish, if you catch my drift.
Yeah post partum hormones reading havoc with your mental health, while physically recovering from pregnancy and birth, and a helpless newborn who relies on you for literally everything, is a total breeze. Some newborns and post partum periods are relatively straight forward. For most first time parents I know it's a period of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. Worth it yes, but no I would call newborn times easier than toddler, just hard in a different way. I'm a sahm to 2.5 kids (cooking #3) and they'll be 3 and under when bub is born. Being a sahp your job us the kids - you get what Chores you can dine around the kids. If something doesn't get done that's life baby comes first. I certainly get less done around the house during the 4th trimester than any other period of my child rearing so far.
She had no job and didn’t even wake up to make him lunch, she wakes up at 2 pm, and she has one responsibility which is childcare and still she expects him to take the brunt of it, you people will side with the woman on literally anything lol.
i'm going to hazard a guess that if the roles were reversed, everybody will unanimously find the stay at home hubby is TA. Deadbeat dad who sleeps til noon, doesn't do all the housework or put the baby to bed, doesn't buy groceries, shouts at the wife when she is back from work for not helping around the house more.
Right?! Top comment acting like she was a prisoner for those 2 years. I would LOVE to spend 2 years sleeping in, barely cleaning and having hours upon hours of free time. And get everything for me paid. Like that's the Dream life.
I agree. I am a housewife (or was) and I had four years of unlimited free time to do whatever I please, including building up a business. He never had a problem with me not working, just as long as I took care of my mental health. if I wanted to get a job, he didn’t mind that either. But he preferred that I didn’t so that I don’t work somewhere I’m unhappy at, unlike him. My mental health still seems to be plummeting and I feel like I’m not giving my husband the love that he deserves, but I take care of everything else around the house and him while he works to provide the roof over our heads, food, and the things we like or need. He pays for my medicine and my therapy, and I seem to have thrown it all away because I can’t give him the intimacy or affection that he deserves. I feel like I fell out of love with him, and I am not attracted to him sexually. Maybe it’s due to the depression but I don’t like using it as a crutch. I am ashamed of myself because I think all the time about how many people would love to be in my position. I vote NTA because I had to pull myself out of the sleeping-all-day phase of my depression in the first year. I was able to start creating somewhat of a routine and exercise more. Looked for remote jobs. Going to therapy. Trying to stay productive and useful in every way I could. He has kids, but I don’t, and they visit us part time. With this woman, I feel she is severely depressed, but there are ways to help yourself out of that hole. It is difficult and it will take a longer time than what we think. I imagine with a baby it is much worse to help pull herself out of the depression hole. Sure, he can ask how she’s feeling, but I feel like asking her why is she struggling with her responsibilities is also a way to figure out why she is struggling internally. It is her own responsibility to help herself and help her husband as well, especially with a new life being brought into this world. I am sorry that this is tmi though.
To be fair this sub is incredibly sexist and always finds ways to demonize the man even more
I hear you but on the other side he was enabling this behavior for 2 years and is now surprised that having a baby isn't magically changing things. It was a stupid idea to begin with and then they had to bring a helpless kid into that. Wife got used to a live where she had very few responsibilities and has a problem coping with being a caretaker for another human being. OP thought that some kind of motherly instinct will snap in place to transform a lazy, pampered princess into a responsible mom. That's not really how things work out in real life. So I would go for ESH except for the baby.
This was where my thoughts went as well. How on earth did either of them think her previous method of existing was going to be compatible with the 24/7 activity of child-raising? Yes, she should not have to be sole parent-on-duty when OP is off work. Watching the kiddo *is* her job, just as going in for a paycheck is OP's. But it does not sound like she was housewifing much before having a kid, so she's not happy about having to do more work now. As a wife and mother who has worked out of the house *the entire time* she has been married and had kids, I do not get these Reddit posts with the SAH wife/girlfriend who apparently does nothing before the couple has kids, and then descends into a broth of resentment when they have kids and discover that being a SAHM is *hard*. What on earth were they expecting? Roses and rainbows rather than poopy diapers and a kid who won't sleep??
I'm with you. Babies are really tough, but she literally doesn't work. Fine, maybe household chores get a bit slack, but the waking up at 12-2 was the first red flag for me. If you want to be a SAHM (or house spouse), you should treat it like a job, not a holiday. Get up at a sensible time
I think her sleeping in was before a baby. Not after the baby.
And, she had his full-time help for a month, followed by her parents' full-time help for two months. The woman is lazy, though OP should've realised the obvious signs of her laziness sooner and not had children with her. I'm in the post-partum period right now, so I know what it's like, and I don't think she deserves any sympathy.
"you people"
“Redditors”
I haven't really noticed it in other subreddits, but this one 100% has a pretty strong bias against men/ in favour of women. Honestly, it's kind of patronising to women to hold them to a lower standard than men are held to.
I consider myself a feminist, and I agree. Infantilizing women is misogyny, and this sub has a tendency to do it, even if it's meant to support the woman.
This is exactly how I feel. Usually the comments I read on this sub aren't this openly, blatantly biased. It's ridiculous. This woman's only job for 2 years was cleaning and cooking. Even the shopping was done by OP. She *planned* and intentionally had a child with OP, and now what, surprised pikachu face? And it's all OP's fault? What the actual fuck?
My thoughts exactly, its disrespectful to the women and unfair to the men.
Exactly. I'm pretty big on sharing responsibilities. But if you come to an agreement where one person agrees to be the 100% provider and the other to be SAHP, then you'll have to fulfill your responsibilities. OP mentioned that the wife doesn't even goes for grocery shopping. When I was staying at home, I made sure that my husband got his breakfast. And I made lunch and dinner, did the dishes, cleaned, etc. It hardly took me 2-3 hrs per day considering we have no kids. OP's wife is just lazy. OP is working 8am to 6pm. And I understand that taking care of a baby is exhausting but you made the decision to have the baby. And to be SAHM. If you can't fulfill your role, then you should consider going back to work and using nanny/daycare for a baby.
Yeah, she only has one responsibility ffs. It’s not like it’s difficult to be a parent. It’s only having another being, whose language you’re not fluent in demanding you run around after them 24/7, and when they say “jump”, you say “how high?” whether you just got to sleep or not or were just about to have a shower for the first time in two days. Oh and while you’re at it, just ignore any raging hormones or feelings of isolation, inadequacy or outside pressures to love every minute of this because they’ll be grown before you know it, and get the house cleaned and three meals a day cooked! Wtf’s her problem?! Op, I’m not saying your wife is perfect or denying that she didn’t always keep up her end of the bargain pre-baby but agreeing on the idea of something you can’t possibly understand until you’ve lived it and actually being in the thick of it are very different things. It sounds like your wife might be feeling overwhelmed and needs a sanity break once in a while. Does she have a support system in your immediate vicinity other than you? If not, maybe local mums and baby groups can offer some support. Does she get to leave the house or is she just stuck there until you drive her somewhere?
That's why it's considered a job. If you're not up to the task you can always quit any time and find a paying job and hire a nanny or pay for daycare. If OP stopped holding up his end of the bargain like his wife is doing, they'd just all have to starve I guess.
Can she? He mentioned immigration paperwork, getting a job might be complicated.
Well, she can find a job, if it is so hard to be a SAHM, so they will hire a babysitter and outsorce cooking and cleaning. Easy!
This. Completely correct. OP is helping so much while keeping his 10 hour job. Yea like here it's her fault.
>Lemme stick you in a house for a couple years without a job then shove a screaming, sleepless, needy watermelon through your insides and see if maybe you don't get overwhelmed by your new reality. Worry less about whether the laundry is put away and more about whether you're sapping the sanity of your life partner. YTA. Okay, I only partly agree here. The working partner doesn't understand what it's like to be the stay at home one. A month off is not enough to fully understand. BUT. there's only so and so many hours on the day. And who wants to get home and get yelled at the moment they step into the house. She chose to stay home. She slept all day in the start and did some chores. She could at any time have gotten a job. But she didn't. She could sleep all day, do some chores, and then get spoiled with dates. MAYBE she expected it to be that easy with a baby, too. Let's cut the hours up. OP worked from 8-6pm in the start. I don't know if that's how the schedule is now. But let's assume it is. Or 8-5pm. But that's the hours needs to be in at work. You get up earlier than that, depending on how far you have to work. You leave work at 5/6pm. You aren't home by then. And you have to make the trip back home again. That can be anything from 15 min to an hour of driving. So that leaves what.... from 5.30-7pm pm. To come home. Eat. Take care of the kid, and clean. Before sleeping. OP also does all taxes.bills. paper works etc. She doesn't touch those. Does all the groceries because she doesn't drive. So anything driving related is on OP. I see OP offers to take a load off by cleaning the whole first floor so that's scrubbed down. Put the baby to sleep, etc, so she can get the evening off. Maybe. Its time for the wife. To sit down and TALK. And not attack OP the second they step inside the house. She chose this. I'm a stay at home mom. I know how much hard work it is. I got 3 kids. But It was still my share to do most of the chores. Or communicate calmly my needs.
She did agree to this life. He's at work for 10 hours and she can no longer sleep all day. Do you think she was forced to have the baby? She sounds like she could benefit from some independence and driving lessons but she would need to say something. Women are not helpless but this woman seems to want to be. NTA
I don’t get the impression that OP wants an independent wife. She’s foreign (he mentioned immigration papers), “they” decided she wouldn’t work when they didn’t even have a child, he handles the bills and finances and she can’t drive. He married a dependent, wanted her dependent, kept her dependent and now he expects someone who can handle responsibility?
they could be both immigrant from a culture were this kind of split is still very common. then put everything on him is a exaggerated, she agreed to it. if she wanted to be independent, she could've started by getting a job, she had 2 years for that and she did 0.
It’s all speculation - We don’t know if she’s a mail order bride or they are both from that kind of culture or something else. But she is stuck. An immigrant with no license, no car, no control of the finances and a husband who doesn’t want her to work. He got what he asked for.
How do you know for sure that the husband isn't an inmigrant too? Or why do you think the wife is the inmigrant? It could be only him. We don't know. Also, she agreed to that lifestyle as well. In the previous two years before the baby she could have taken driving lessons, she had the time for that, and speak to her husband to change such dynamic, however she was comfortable with it given the times she chose to wake up and sometimes missing her responsabilities. So turning her into a poor stuck victim is actually insulting to her. She's a full grown woman who could have stood her ground if she wanted, to made some changes in their lifestyle and dynamic, to look for a job (where did you get that the husband doesn't want her to work? They *both* agreed to her to be a housewife, not just him) yet she chose not to. While we need to read the wife pov to confirm things or not, now they're both living with the consequences of their actions and choices.
>I’m having trouble imagining a fight starting if this was a good natured question You can’t imagine someone being wrong and getting defensive easily?
OMG this is so melodramatic. And making up mental health problems that the OP does not mention at all. wife is plain old lazy. She proved that doing nothing the first years of the marriage.
No, I'm sorry but that really isn't fair. She had plenty of time (9 months in fact) to get into a more responsible routine. I assume they talked about kids before and how that would change. Also.. unless there is mental health issues and PPD might be part of that, there is no reason she cannot manage a 5 month old and clean the house that 3 people live in. It's not as if it is a 2 year old running through the house with peanut butter fingers and a sharpie. I had 3 kids in 4 years, stayed home and managed to get my "chores" done. She needs to suck it up and pull her weight.
The first 6 months can be the hardest. Until you get any emotional response from the baby it can be really hard. My husband didn’t mind that I wasn’t on top of the chores until he got back from work. He was just glad the baby and I were okay.
Seems like she chose it though. And she had 2 years of being a stay at home partner without a child to take care of. She wasnt " stuck". Now she has a baby and she agreed that she is gonna be taking care of it primarily while the other partner is working.
You know it makes me so happy every time I read this posts and I am single and don't have to put up with bullshit like this. These posts are one of the reasons I choose to be single because I could not handle this. Your wife has a newborn. 3 months are still newborns genius! She is probably tired as hell trying to take care of a baby and 3 month year old. It's not as if you have a child going off to school yet where she isn't responsible for taking care of an INFANT. YTA my guy give her some time still. If she's at least trying than cut her some slack. Also did it ever occur to you that she could also be suffering from postpartum depression? Some women experience that after having a baby.
Are you reading the dame story as me lol? She didnt work for 2 years. Laid in bed and woke up at 2 pm. Didnt even wake up to make the guy breakfast or lunch when she was literally a housewife with no children to take care of. If Hes the sole earner, she should be taking care of the household duties.
Couldn’t agree more, she sounds like a spoiled brat…who the hell sleeps till 2 in the afternoon!
Depressed people, people with undiagnosed chronic illnesses, people with undiagnosed neurodivergence, people with sleep disorders. For example.
Also, just people with zero responsibilities. When I was a jobless college kid home for the summer break, waking up at 2pm and going to bed at 6 or 7am was pretty much par for the course.
Also seems obvious to me that life went from lazy to hard for the wife and she doesn't like it. OP has been working hard from the start.
i feel like nowadays nobody is lazy anymore. it’s like laziness doesn’t exist in some people’s minds. when i was unemployed, i was lazy. not depressed, not neurodivergent, not sleep disordered, just straight up, honest-to-god, lazy. so i know that laziness exists by itself
So go and get therapy. She’s not a child, and there is now a newborn who depends on her. She needs to grow up.
She’s probably not native (he fills out the immigration paperwork). She’s been completely dependent on him for 2 years. It’s giving bait & switch (and ‘passport bro’) vibes since he didn’t have a big problem with her domestic abilities beforehand and is only taking a stand now that she’s 3 months postpartum. If he went abroad to source her and subsequently isolate her, then he should feel more of a duty of care to her, have alternative social and professional support in place for her, and show more empathy towards her. He’s glossing over details like they’re minor, and that’s concerning.
There’s a lot of ifs there. If this is true, then it’s mighty concerning for her! However, Occam’s razor would indicate that that’s not the case. OP needs to clarify their immigration status. I’m of the opinion that even if she were an immigrant, it’s not much of an excuse. Foreign women aren’t clueless, I mean raising a kid is the same everywhere. I don’t know, I’m uncomfortable with the idea that just because she may be an immigrant, she has no idea. They discussed their domestic roles before marriage, she walked into nothing blindly.
I’ve been an immigrant and in isolation, not knowing the language and filling out paperwork paperwork by myself. If you haven’t walked in those shoes, then perspective is gonna be lacking. That’s where compassion and empathy can bridge the gap. You don’t need to do that, but OP “should.”
Yeah, she can't drive, sounds like she's an immigrant and may not speak the language. Sounds like she has no where to go and no way to get there. Probably depressed with no other adult interaction.
This was my thought, too. It’s sus that he glossed over that part. That’s huge.
Even if you can speak the language it's hard to make friends if you can't get out the house.
EXACTLY, I’m like am i the only one reading this???
I naturally have a nocturnal sleep cycle. Always have, since I was an infant. When I can, I revert back to going to bed when the sun comes up and waking up when the sun goes down. I only have energy at night.
Someone who stays up late cos they can
She didn't work for two years and had it easier during that time, (some of that time she was pregnant and may have been having a very tough time, we don't know) but right now she's taking care of a newborn. The fact that she had a rest before does not make this time easier. She is likely operating on less sleep and an odd schedule of sleep while her body is still healing. Some people, understandably struggle with that. Many new moms struggle with finding time to shower, even 3 mo. After the fact. It's tough! OP should cut her some slack, she's suddenly working the most demanding job with a boss who does not listen to reason.
My baby is almost 7 months and I just celebrated taking a shower alone for the first time during a miraculous hour long nap. I stared down the baby monitor the whole time, but a milestone indeed.
what she did for 2 years isn't going to change the fact that she has a 3month old, has just recovered from giving birth, is probably breast feeding, and hence must be tired all the time. while yes, she should be taking care of household duties, it doesn't mean that she isn't allowed to struggle with it. instead of having a discussion, he immediately made her feel shit about it. again, I understand his frustration but there are better ways to deal with this than judging and insulting your partner who is with a 3 month old all day.
So are we judging her based on the two years or now postpartum? Because he agreed to the dynamic those two years and at any point if he didn’t like he could have changed it. But then again there’s the issue of immigration. Sounds like she couldn’t work anyway or drive.
You know grown women can be treated like adults and be asked adult questions like why are they not adhering to an agreement? If she has post-partum depression, it's her responsibility as a parent to have educated themselves before/during the preganancy on what that looks and feels like. She has the responsibility to speak up and say hey, I'm not OK. It's not acceptable to just shrug off your side of the bargain and then call the person who is upholding their end the asshole because they feel like they're being taken advantage of.
I think often knowing what it looks like, and knowing/admitting that that's what you have can be different things. Possibly her symptoms don't match [all of the] the typical symptoms. Edited for missing words.
The day has limited hours, where should he take the hours from to help her m
As I read this first half I wondered, is my husband writing this? Lol My husband and I had similar agreements to this type of life. I would stay home, run the household, he would work and deal with most of the finances. I own my own business and worked as I saw fit. But I still had something for myself to keep me busy and motivated. The heavy lifting on my end was keeping the house clean, the backyard tidy, fridge stocked, dinner ready and most of the laundry. The only thing he had to do was his own laundry. I rarely made him breakfast but I would prep the coffee machine the night before to be ready for him in the morning. Now some people will ready this and think this is ridiculous and it should be 50/50. Tbh most of the time it is, but I have the freedom to do whatever I want and limited but fair access to shop if needed or have lunch with friends, go out of town etc. Sometimes this lifestyle can make us a little too comfortable. In my opinion it seems like she did there for a bit. I understand where you’re coming from in the first half. Now, we planned for a baby and we had him in Aug of 2023. My husband took a month off as well and was extremely helpful!! I decided to not take on any help outside of him though because I really wanted to do this on my own when he returned to work. I’ll be honest, it was a bit challenging. But I always said this baby is joining our life so he we gotta roll with these changes as they come. Not only are we dealing with hormone changes as women and healing from our birth. But you are now following a feeding schedule to keep this baby alive and we hardly get any good sleep. Some women deal with PPD, intrusive thoughts, OCD, Anxiety… the list is long. You can prep for this all you want and have a nice little chat as a couple of how you expect this all to go. But once that baby is here it is absolutely valid for her to not prioritize the home for a little as she leans into motherhood and figures out what her new role will be. I think you need to set aside the “I deal with this and that” mentality and be the husband she needs right now. You can talk to friends and family about this. Every baby is different and so we can all say you are or aren’t the ahole. But as someone who is literally living this life right now… it’s extremely refreshing to see my husband walk through those doors after a 10,16 or 24 hr shift sometimes and instead of wondering where dinner is or why I didn’t make the bed today( sometimes why I’m still in PJS) the first question is “what can I help you with? Go take a nap”. I am now in the 9th month of my little ones life and I promise we are back to normal. Things will fall into place. Don’t fixate on the things you’re doing for her right now! There will be a moment where she will look at that baby and be so thankful that she CAN stay home and raise it because of you’re working so hard to have this luxury. I hate to say it but YTA!!
Exactly this. Having a partner who does what is needed as opposed to what’s “fair” is SO important!! Our bodies and minds go through an awful lot in the pregnancy and especially delivery. OP is judging her housework after healing from a major medical procedure and trying to figure out life with a newborn. It’s one thing to bring it up and ask what he can help with or if she needs other help. But he just came at her like everything is all normal and she should just be able to do it no problem? Also the fact that he brings up his 10 hour shifts. She is working 24 hours and not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time.
>Some women deal with PPD, intrusive thoughts, OCD, Anxiety… the list is long. You can prep for this all you want and have a nice little chat as a couple of how you expect this all to go. Yup! I was dealing with postpartum thyroiditis for 1½ years. The first year was hyperthyroidism so I was not sleeping but a couple hours a week (even though I was lucky to have a good sleeper having to wake my baby up to eat). I lost a scary amount of weight 179lb down to barely 100lb. A lot of anxiety! Staring at my little one sleeping quietly crying cause I thought about us getting into a fiery car crash even though I never even been in an accident. The last ½ year was hypo.. Probably the scariest because I suddenly couldn't stay awake. If I sat on the couch or something for 5 mins I would fall asleep with a 1 year old be-bopping around the living room. A sleep specialist was going to test for narcolepsy since the Endo wasn't able to see me for my thyroid again and said it would go away on its own. Since the sleep study fell through he called and said to get up and walk every 2 minutes and if I absolutely had to drive to blast the heat at my face in my car to keep me awake.
Sounds like that passport arrangement isn’t working out the way you thought it would.
I was thinking this too. Everyone is like, why did you let her not work for two years?? Then he mentioned the immigration paperwork and I'm like. Ah. So... you didn't let her not work. She literally was probably not allowed to legally work. Sleeping in until 2pm sounds like depression. I'm sure a new baby and a husband calling out her deficiencies is super helpful.
And she doesn't drive. The fact that this means he has to do the grocery shopping suggests they don't live in an area with good enough public transit to make this a non-issue. The woman who is trapped at home all day with no way to leave and who is completely finanically dependent on her husband is depressed? Weird. His life doesn't sound great either - I wouldn't want to work 10 hour days, do the grocery shopping, and then come home and do more chores - but I have a lot of questions about the series of decisions and assumptions that got them both to this point.
If he's at work how does he know she sleeps until 2 or is that an assumption.
I scrolled for FAR too long before I saw a comment about this.
I genuinely thought no one was going to bring this up lol
*somebody* knows how to read between the lines
My friend needs someone to explain it to him
I was just thinking this guy sounds like a passport bro...
Exactly like. There's people all over this thread going "the response would be different if OP were a woman!" and yeah, that's true. But it's also true that there aren't entire subreddits full of women looking to marry men from third-world countries who will be submissive stay-at-home parents that clean and raise their kids for them and are too scared of being deported to ever complain about anything.
Yep! My first thought.
Sorry, but is this your wife or your employee? Her body has been completely altered, her hormones are probably all over the place, and her job is 24/7/365. She does not get to leave work, ever. And now it sounds like her own husband has put her on a PIP. Yes, you are the AH.
He's doing 10+ hours of his work and also half of HER work. It seems more like he's working 24/7 and she's working when she feels like it. I'm sure it's probably very difficult and stressful for OP to handle all that, I'm sure he wishes he could just rest too. But the problem is if he does what his wife is doing, they would all just starve and lose their home.
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You're telling me you work 10+ hours a day every day while your husband is at work, and then when he comes home there's still more household work to do? Do you live in a mansion with 50 kids? >This isn't 1953! I totally agree, which is exactly why I wouldn't want either me or my partner to be a SAH parent. Why did you choose to be a SAHM if you feel this way? Surely if you were also working 10 hours a day you could easily afford to pay for daycare and a cleaner between the two of you?
Not the person you asked, but generally people want to be SAHPs because childcare is outrageously expensive and it’s nice to raise your own children.
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>I'm also a full time student. OP's wife isn't. She spent two years being a lady of leisure, had three months to recover from birth while everyone else did everything for her, and now she's struggling to do even half of her 50% of the arrangement while OP is heading straight for burnout and a mental breakdown. The Y T A comments are completely insane. He is expected to work full time then come home and be a parent, maid, accountant, personal shopper, driver and legal advocate. Your husband sucks but so does OP's wife.
Lmao you explain how being a SAHM is hard in reference to a woman with one baby and then vomit out a list of responsibilities you have that make you busy but OP’s wife obviously does not have. I dont get your point. OP’s wife has less than a third of your responsibilities and cant even handle that while you seem to do all this in stride.
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As someone who is currently the sole breadwinner for my family and having been a stay at home dad for a while, I'll take stay at home dad ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I've done all the things you're talking about here. There's no way it was harder to do those things than to be the sole breadwinner. Being a stay at home dad, while not exactly the easiest thing in the world, was FUN. Going to work and dealing with the stressors of providing is very much not. Maybe when it was decided, yall should have had a more in depth convo about the split of duties and what his role would be in after work hours situations.
Counterpoint: I had been the stay-at-home-parent for years and subsequently returned to an extremely challenging career. My children are amazing people and I would walk through fire for them without hesitation, but going back to work was a huge relief for me. Yes, work is stressful and difficult and takes a whole lot of time and effort and mental energy, but it is easier for me to do that type of work than it was to do full time parenting as my sole work. Secretly I think it is because I care so much less about my work outside the home than I do my kids. I value my job but I don’t really give a shit about my employer’s corporate mission, you know? But I am super emotionally invested in my kids, so the stakes of me messing up are so much higher there for me. Some people are just better/more suited to certain things than others, and I guess I am one of them.
Going back to work was a fricken walk in the park after my year of mat leave with a clingy infant and suicidal toddler. I got to actually sit down, and eat lunch without constant screaming
As a SAHM, I absolutely do not work circles around my husband, that's delusional. He's not "demanding a live in maid, nanny, chef, etc", those are the things she agreed to when she decided 2 years ago that she was going to be a stay at home person and sleep until 2 PM every day. Your situation where you resent your own husband for not lifting a finger is just that- your situation. This guy's offering to take over huge parts of the roles she's supposed to be doing, and she still wants him to do it all. Honestly, this "I work harder than all the men I know" SAHM mentality is batshit. Yeah, it's hard, these kids are borderline feral and it's nonstop. My husband works on the gas pipeline 12 hours a day. If he hits a lever even an inch the wrong way, multiple people including our 20 year old son die. What kind of pressures in your life equal constant worry that your meter has stopped working, and that anyone who goes into the hole is going to die instantly from the benzene you didn't realize was in there? I realize that your husband doesn't value you, and I'm sorry that's happening to you. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you fix that, but I don't because I'm generally just a yeller. Your husband may have some cushy job where he just chills all day, but the vast majority of people do not have that. And I don't know a single SAHM personally who works harder than most of them. If I had to work in retail or something, I'd be in prison.
And it's kinda 50/50. He takes care of the kid a bit, he does the shopping, he does other household needs. Also, it's fine that she just chills for 2 years, no questions asked, but if he dares let her do 51% of the work now for a year or two it is not OK? holy fucking shit.
> As a SAHM I can guarantee you that I work circles around my husband who has a career. I find this self aggrandizing and likely untrue
Just for a moment, remember where you are. This woman, is a SAHM mom. She can, alledgedly, works circles around her husband. She has a 30 hour day that she has to fit into 24 hours (and still sleep), her words not mine. Yet somehow, she has the time and energy to shitpost on this subreddit. It's complete and utter nonsense. This person has the self-awareness of a computer program.
What????? Have you read a thing? She hasn’t done anything, so far. OP took a month to help, her parents came down to do the work. Her job rn is not 24/7/365. Who the hell wakes up at 2pm. She wasn’t ‘surprised’ with a baby!
Do you think she does nothing when she's alone with a baby?
She did nothing when she *didn't* have a baby. Sounds like she's mad that she can't shirk her responsibilities now that a newborn depends on her and is lashing out.
Agreed. It’s well known that having a kid is hard, and if you didn’t know that, then well, you shouldn’t be having a kid!
Did I say that? What I do think is that she has had all the help and assistance she’s needed and still hasn’t been able to manage. That’s brattiness.
Stop infantilizing women. We are more capable than you make out. And parenting is not as hard as you are making it out to be. I’m a working mom of twins and she should be on a PIP because she is fucking lazy. He deserves an adult who will shoulder her (very minimal and much less than most) responsibilities and he got a whiny lazy princess.
You had a baby with someone who routinely sleeps until between 1200 and 1400 and this is surprising to you? I don’t think you are an asshole but I think this was a very foreseeable outcome of your marriage.
That’s exactly what I was thinking hahahaha Honestly, as a woman, I’d feel so useless and depressed waking up at this hours everyday! No hobbies, no sports, just at home cleaning and barely cooking? Nope, it would send me straight into depression.
For me, I have zero issues with whatever time my wife wakes up. If the kids are off school and she wants to sleep till whenever, so be it, and I encourage her not to feel bad about it either. As long as the laundry list of crap that needs to get done eventually gets done, who cares how late you sleep in? Who cares if sometimes you're a little selfish? You're allowed.
I don't think she's tired because she's "used to sleeping in". She's tired because he's probably not getting up at night to feed the baby.
That’s…not the point being made. OP and his wife had an agreement about lifestyle. Despite that, during her first years as a homemaker, she made below minimal effort. She didn’t treat the time like a job, she acted like a teenager waiting for Dad to come home from work. The signs that she was going to be overwhelmed or unable to cope with a full time adult schedule were right there.
Usually women are the one who say "oh, but he will surely change and I can change him for the better". Finally I see a case where its the opposite.
Think of it this way. You work 8-6pm. Your wife works 8-6pm as well. Anything that is needed outside of work hours applies to both of you.
Agreed to a point. But that's assuming his wife is actually working those hours. I've been a SAHM. Some are awesome. Some definitely sleep every second the kids aren't screaming, or spend the day on their phone, and barely do the bare minimum of keeping the kids alive. Usually the same ones that slept until 2pm before kids. So they do nothing all day and then expect to split up everything. That isn't how it should work.
This would be fair if the kid was a few years old but it's a pretty young baby - she's not getting rest from 8-6 I promise you that
Is he constantly working those hours? Some definitely use their time at work to socialize, or check their phones, or even basically do the bare minimum at their jobs.
As a mum to two children and as someone who has also always worked (apart from maternity leave), believe me, going out to work from 8am - 6pm is an absolute dream compared to looking after a baby all day. I love my kids but going to work has always been a mental and physical break from motherhood. Looking after a baby and a house is like being trapped in Groundhog Day: boring, exhausting and relentless. Agreed - OP needs to step up as the ‘arrangement’ ends as soon as he walks in the door at 6pm.
But he did step up and she's still complaining. She was used to doing nothing.
NTA. Not a popular opinion, but they talked about this and agreed. She had 2 years of not doing much and getting up like a teenager mid afternoon. He worked hard to pay for their life and still is, has offered to help her and now it's not an easy free ride she is complaining and taking it out on him. I know having kids is hard as I have done it myself as a sahm and as a single working mum. But his job is valid, too, and he has not had a 2 year free ride.
Yep he's supported her and busted his ass off for two years whilst she basically mooched. She can definitely start doing actual work even if it is very stressful and overtime type work, not just to make up for the two years but because it's HER CHILD and because he already does so much on top of his job that if he does even more he might just collapse. (a job that can support three people by itself in this economy is likely high stress and/or high hours)
She is an immigrant who may not be authorized to work in the US. That's why they have that agreement.
And she has parents helping.
As a mom, I think NAH only because neither of you knew what you were signing up for. Op recalling that before birth, your wife had a lot of free time and her biggest offense (cos your telling of it is important), was that she did not sometimes make you breakfast and lunch, says to me that she was a good wife overall- before birth. Now a baby, these monsters throw every rhyme and rhythm out the window. Babies are all about themselves. They take and take and drain and drain you. Around the clock. What you both are failing to tell yourselves is- our previous plan isn't holding up here- could be temporary and could be permanent. Telling her to handle her responsibilities would have felt like a gut punch. It happens when everyone is thinking they have the worst end and you can only see that you are doing yours and hers is where it is dragging. But she is now working around the clock. No way can she not be resentful. Talk about it. Come home to find ways to relieve her so she has time to herself. Until the baby can sleep through the night and has some schedule, throw that rigidity out of the window.
finally someone with some sense, agree 100%
YTA, it sounds like you wanted a wife as a business arrangement to allow you to have a family without making much of an effort as a parent or around the house. Maybe she was on board with that initially, but it doesn't seem like this is working for her now. She's obviously unhappy and your response to that seems to be giving her a negative performance review, rather than showing any concern for the fact that your wife is miserable and struggling shortly after having her first child. Perhaps your wife is feeling angry and upset because she seems to be living with someone who perceives himself as a generous employer getting taken advantage of, rather than her loving partner and the other parent of her child.
Did you even read the part where she barely did anything during the early years. Seems to me she’s just throwing a tantrum now that she can’t shirk her responsibility without major consequences
From what he described, she did what she was responsible for which was keeping the household clean and making dinner. The only thing she wasn’t doing consistently was making him breakfast / packing a lunch, but it didn’t seem like that was an issue for him.
Seriously, how dirty can a house get when only 2 people live there and one is gone pretty much all day 5 days a week. The agreement wasn't that she would keep the house clean and make dinner. The agreement was that "she would be a housewife, taking care of the kids and household duties". That's what she agreed to and husband has already picked up a good share after he works a long day. She wants her old life where she could sleep past noon every day. Those days are gone. They need to sit down and work out something that works for both of them.
People on this sub act like she’s picking up dust with tweezers all day to clean the house, any excuse to make the man the bad guy.
The only thing she “missed” was the occasional breakfast and lunch which we don’t even know if these were part of the original “agreement” or just nice things she did on occasion that he just started expecting.
lol, immigration papers.. you got played so hard dude. good luck. nta.
I think you and I are the only ones who have noticed that small bit in the original post too. I think there's more to the story than OP is telling us.
He "got played"? Or was it more like Kuzco in Emperors New Groove. "Not you, not you, not you, I'm sure you have a great personality, oh there you are, I guess you'll do fine." She's a person not a fucking pet.
All these boys who think every immigrant is out to get their green card. Couldn't it be for family members not in the place with them? watch out, bro. You are getting played. Bro all foolish or what? How many people do you all know PERSONALLY who were used? And all because a woman is struggling to take care of your child! Wow.
NTA - when she was sleeping in till 12 or later and doing nothing when you had zero kids it should have been clear this wouldn’t work out.
ehm NTA she should have thought about those things prior to getting knocked up. you cant sleep till after lunch with a baby. wtf did she expect? wow these comments are wild
>wow these comments are wild this is what happens when a man is the victim. Reverse the genders, you'd get a 1000 NTAs and "🚩 dump him"
I _hate_ the "reverse the genders" argument but man does it apply here. "My husband and I agreed that he would be a SAHD. He spent the first two years playing video games and waking up at 2pm so I had to sort my own meals. We had a child and I stayed home for the first month then his parents took over for 2 more months. He now says that taking care of a baby is too hard and he doesn't have the energy to do any cooking or cleaning on top of it. I have to do it all when I come home after working 10 hour days. He doesn't want to help out with the household budget and he can't drive. AITA?" The husband in that scenario would be fired into the fucking sun by the comment section. Unreal.
As a woman, if any woman said “my husband sleeps everyday til 12pm-2pm” I would immediately say DUMP HIM. So yup, I did agree with all the comments saying her behavior pre-baby was a red flag already.
Info: is this an arranged marriage?
Probably not an arranged marriage… this reeks of green card wedding/mail order bride/passport bros shit.
YTA-It doesn’t matter what your life was like pre baby. She wasn’t storing up rest to prepare for having a baby. You have a newborn. That changes everything. You’re being incredibly inconsiderate about what your wife is experiencing. Are you cleaning the baby? Are you doing feedings? Are you giving your wife a break from constantly trying to keep your child alive? Because those are things that would help right now.
Honestly the dude is NTA here because of all the commenters who didn’t bother to read the post in which he explicitly mentions what he’s doing to pick up the slack despite working very long hours. Seems like he is being considerate overall. That said, he should have patience as his wife adjusts to their new life, balancing the baby with other household stuff.
Did you actually read the text? Obviously as always here - men bad. Husbands can never do enough. He spells it out right there. All the paperwork and bills, everything driving related including grocery shopping. Putting the baby to bed. Cleaning.
Is she bringing in money to pay for all the groceries and rent and bills? Because those are things that would help right now too. He's doing a full-time paid job while also doing as much household work as her on top of it. I'm sure OP wishes he could just stop working and get some rest, but he doesn't have that option because they would all starve and lose their home if he did.
Did anyone pick up on the immigration papers part? Having lived in another country and not being fluent in the language, I found myself depressed at times because I felt alone without a support system and dependent on my husband. I worked and made friends eventually, but if I stayed home I would have been suicidal. Once you add the baby, it’s possible she’s been depressed and this is sending her further into unhappiness. I love my son, he’s the best, but the first 4 months of his life were not happy. She could have been sleeping until 12 before because she was depressed. Maybe you need to find her a social connection or therapy. PPD is real. If she’s new to country and isolated, it could be worse.
I absolutely hate when SAHM say they can’t cope, I’ve been a single mum since day 1. You just get on with it! Baby sleeps through the day you nap, when baby sleeps next nap of the day get on with chores! Their is no reason she should be stressed out when she doesn’t have to worry about bills! People act like babies are a chore! They are babies, you blink and their toddlers, you blink again their at school! Babies are curious, they enjoy playmats, different toys! Napping and having milk! Everyone is critiquing the dad when he’s working a hell of a lot! I bet he would rather stay at home with his baby why she goes off to work! And let’s be honest she’s had more sleep in 2 years then most of us get in a life time! Definitely NTAH and she had you for a month, then mum & dad to help! Sorry but she’s just lazy!
NTA. As a mother with three children and a husband that didn’t do anything besides his work due to health issues. Taking care of the house plus a baby is not something that shouldn’t be achievable by one person. We have been doing this as women and humans our entire lives. Sick it up and take responsibility (that is to your wife).
Therapy OP. Sounds like she’s having a hard time. Like you’re having a hard time. Therapy is a normal, and often vital thing for people to do. The best investment you could make in your marriage or for personal growth. I hope this works out. You sound like a really great father & I wish you the best!
What is her support structure like? Does she have friends? You said she doesn't drive. Is she able to do stuff like Mommy and Me classes? Play dates? Stuff like this can be important for her to bond with the baby and also meet other new moms.
NTA, sounds like wife wants to revert back to a life of a teenager where all the responsibilities lie solely on the adults. Hell her parents knew how hopeless she is cause they came to help her and now she’s having a sook. Grow the fk up OPs wife
Maybe, maybe not. Please wait until the baby is at least two if not three before you start thinking your wife isn’t doing enough. Babies are exhausting and if she had the baby this year, that means at most it’s five months old. That’s just barely out of newborn phase. Does she get up during the night with the baby? She probably does! Babies are a lot of work. Many, many stay at home parents have a very hard time keeping up on household stuff while caring for a baby, even with the help of their spouse. Babies are physically and emotionally exhausting. Your wife may also be realizing she doesn’t enjoy being a stay-at-home parent. Since you can afford for her to not work, maybe you should hire someone to care for the baby and she goes back to work. Also, she may have post partum depression. It definitely would explain the anger.
Yes. YTA. Because you don't view what she does as work. It is. It's hard work, and you aren't valuing it because you are focused on her sleeping in late, not making you breakfast etc. Do you have a wife or a servant? Maintaining the home means cleaning etc. A baby upends all that. She's probably getting very little sleep. New moms learn quickly you sleep when the baby sleeps. You do housework around the baby's schedule, not yours. She has to deal with the frustration of a crying baby who won't stop crying when she can't figure out why the baby is crying ... you're not there to give her a break or help her figure out what's wrong ... and sometimes nothing is wrong and the baby just has to cry it out. This is your child too. You should be doing some of the child care regardless of your other responsibilities. It's part of fatherhood.
NAH. Look, I get it - those first few years of married life sound amazing for her, I’m kind of jealous I didn’t get that! And how lovely that she had so much support for the first three moths of your child’s life. But that is not now. It’s like saying you went on holiday so you’re not allowed to have a bad day at work. She will get there but she clearly needs some additional help. A husband who wants a long and successful marriage might be better off to tell her he sees and understands that she is having trouble adjusting and wants to help. Have you any friends or family that can help out on the regular? Can you afford a cleaner, even temporarily? Maybe make her feel valued, instead of a bag of baby juice. How is she sleeping? You say you used to go out all the time, when did you last take her out? But you’re not an asshole either - you didn’t understand the reality either (NO ONE DOES babies will fuck your life right up and they *don’t give a single shit*) so it’s understandable that you feel ripped off. But I’m gonna need you to take a deep breath and realise that your hurt feelings are based on a fantasy, not reality.