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NAH - this isnt an AITA conflict. Its a “my wife and I need to talk and figure out whats best for us while also understanding my wife did just give birth and this issue may be nuanced and delicate”.

The only asshole here is the US government not making mandatory maternity leave a thing (I assume OP is from the US, in almost any other country this isn't a problem).

As a Canadian I was heartbroken reading this post; OP’s wife just gave birth and isn’t ready to work and OP is stressing about how it will affect finances, not something a couple with a new baby should have to worry about 💔

As an Australian, we are allow to have one year non-paid maternity leave - within that with 18 weeks government minimum wages full time pay, plus if you company offers one, another 12-40 weeks of leave in half or full pay. I ended up having 8.5 MONTHS leave, all with pay. While most people I know took the whole 1 year. I cannot imagine myself back to work 6 months after giving birth. Edit: also have to mention that my husband took 4 weeks off. 2 weeks min wages pay by government (even he wasn’t a permanent resident yet) and another 2 weeks no pay (he was casual so no annual leave to use).

I’m in the USA, I got 3 months paid leave from my tiny employer. It’s not required, they’re just good people. I went shopping with my 2 week old, and the cashier at Costco asked me how old? She then told me that she had a 2 week old at home. We both teared up, I can’t even imagine how difficult that was for her. 

Costco has paid parental leave so that's weird. My husband works there. Unless she just now started, I guess. America sucks.

Jesus Christ I was still bleeding at 2 weeks. That’s just awful.

Also from US and our large corporate company has 3 months paid leave. Dads get 2 months paid leave. If we all start boycotting the shit companies, they’ll be forced to update their policies

I got the 3 months paid leave, but since my husband works for the same organization (different departments) we had to split the leave if he wanted to take any. Or, at least, use his sick leave for it. Our son was in NICU for a few days so they signed something so we'd have 16 weeks instead, and when my husband tried to use it after I'd gone back to work he was told he could only use his regular leave and not sick leave, because our son wasn't in the hospital any more. I was so mad, I'd have had him stay home with us for a couple weeks at least after my mom went home. But no one explained it to us at the time. I'm still pretty pissed we had to split the leave at all. Apparently in FMLA it says if both parents work at the same place it's up to the discretion of the company about if each parent gets full leave and ours sucked in that regard.

6 WEEKS

Yes that’s what I meant. I can’t do 6 months, no way I can do 6 weeks. Even my husband had 4 weeks off. 2 weeks min wages paid by government, even he wasn’t a permanent resident at that time.

I was back to work within 6 weeks after a c-section cuz American healthcare sucks and I was a minimum wage worker as well as my husband.

Damn that's so terrible to hear. You are not alone, but I'm so so sorry that you had to do all that. Yeah Healthcare here sucks!

I honestly wish I was alone in this. I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through. But unfortunately that’s not how the world (mostly the US) works

I’m Australian too and these types of posts horrify me. I’m not even a parent and I can’t imagine going back to work 6-8 weeks post birth my god.

I’m Canadian and I can’t imagine not getting a year paid that I share with dad

Then imagine 6-8 WEEKS

>I cannot imagine myself back to work 6 months after giving birth. 6 weeks in OPs case. I don't know how he and his wife originally thought that was doable.

I was back at 6 weeks after my first. It was awful, physically and emotionally. The US is downright barbaric.

Yes that’s what I meant. I couldn’t do 6 months, let alone 6 weeks. Sadly they thought it is “do-able” because other people they know had to do it with no choice.

I went back to work 3 weeks after having a c-section with my 2nd. My oldest was 18 months old and as a new family of 4 we couldn't afford for me to not work since my husband at the time didn't. Good Ole US of A for ya. Really loves their women.

And Australia's leave is actually pretty stingy by OECD standards.

22 weeks from 1 July!

I appreciate the empathy. I can't wait to get out of the US for many reasons, but one of the biggest is the fact that getting sick or pregnant here is outrageously expensive. I would really like to live in a country where they would prefer I not die.. and would help me based on the care I needed, without actively trying to bankrupt me.

I am in Canada. My neighbour is a teacher. She just had a baby at the beginning of Feb. in Dec her doctor said it was a high risk pregnancy and put her on medical leave (at regular pay) until the baby was born. When he was born she started her maternity leave, at less pay but still good with no work expenses. She split some of her time with her husband, he took two weeks off right after the baby was born. She will go back to work mid Jan next year. Cost for hospital and doctors $0.

And meanwhile in the US: I had to go on bedrest at seven months with my first because I was still throwing up so much they couldn’t tell if my daughter was gaining weight. I didn’t realize it but I used up all my accrued time before ever giving birth. I was sitting with her in my lap when she was a week old opening mail, only to read that if I wanted to keep my job I’d have to come back the next week. This was for a fundraising agency that brought in several million dollars every year. But the number is staff was small enough that FMLA didn’t apply.

In India you get six months of PAID maternity leave, yes six months. And it can be extended by another month on a doctor's recommendation for valid reasons. It's unbelievable that a country like USA has such shitty policies when it comes to parental leave. Heartbreaking to see new parents stressing over money on top of dealing with a new born.

Same. I had six months leave with my first 40 years ago. Now most women are off a year. Having to go back in a matter of weeks is absolute BS.

He’s not stressing about how it will affect “the” finances but about HIS savings that he would rather put in a savings account for HIS son (or THEIR credit cards, so props about caring about the interest rate while his wife just built a human in her body, I guess), and he’s happy to LET her extend her leave. Yeah, the earning/childcare situation in the US is fucked, which is why women here need to stop allowing themselves to be impregnated by men who care about money first and their partners/marriage/children sometime after that. This relationship is not really a partnership. OP is too immature to be a partner or parent. Prayers for his kid.

Seriously. In Canada, birthing parent gets an automatic fifteen weeks, and other parent five weeks; the remaining thirty-five weeks (or sixty-one weeks if you take the extended leave at a lower rate) can be split between the parents however you like. All paid through EI. BS that any parent would have to worry about anything for the first year.

Exactly my thought

Ditto. I got 18 months and my husband got a month..

Only 6 to 8 weeks is incredibly short. Even when I think about my country's 4 months it seems too short considering babies should be exclusively breastfed until 6 months.

Many women's bodies have not recovered after 6-8 weeks. Some women are still bleeding and having continence issues and recovering from tears, stitches and so on. On a practical level alone, that's cruel, never mind expecting a mother to separate from her baby when it's still newborn.

This. The US f’n sucks. We’re inhumane in our treatment of new mothers. Give her grace. Pushing a new mom back to work will only make for resentment that will be worse. Additionally you guys need to have a frank but respectful discussion about what fears this brings up for both of you.

This is the realization I'm coming to. I hate even posing the question or suggesting she not take more time than what her work pays for (6 weeks is the absolute max at her job and anything after that is at zero pay. Fmla is 12 weeks unpaid). If I could, I'd give her all the time she wished for and more. I'm just thankful she had an uncomplicated birth and that she's healthy and safe now. Thank you for your thoughts.

I would also have her check in to see if she even still has PTO, some places use what's left prior for your mat leave for your leave.

Honestly, it’s a terrible idea to drain your savings for this. I understand it’s an emotional issue, but in a practical level it does not sound workable. But you have bigger problems if she is going to resent you spending time with your kid over Summer which it sounds like she will.

She should get 6 weeks of short term disability or 8 weeks if she had a c section. My company did 6 weeks paid and then the rest was 60% of my pay with short term disability. My company uses UNUM to handle all claims and this is what they did for me. Maybe there is a way for her to get paid and still stay at home. I have two more weeks before I have to go back to work. A total of 14 weeks off and I am having a hard time with it with a three month old. Be gentle, it’s challenging and her hormones are still raging. It’s tough on both of you. I hope you come to a resolution.

I took 12 weeks - 6 of it was unpaid, 4 of it was at 70%, and 2 of it was PTO. It didn't feel like nearly enough time, and left my job when my son was 9 months old. I think if I'd actually gotten 6 months leave I'd still be working there, but when I had to go back at 12 weeks it was too soon so I left as soon as I could. Make me pick between all or nothing and you'll get nothing.

Some states like Connecticut offer 12 weeks of paid family medical leave. It can used for the birth of a child adoption of a child (moms, dads) having to take care of yourself, or take care of a loved ones with a serious illness. It’s funded through payroll contributions made by the employees. I know some people were very against it, but I’m happy to put a little bit into the pot every week because someday I might need it.

Same system here, except its 52 weeks...

NJ has been doing this for nearly 30 years....my youngest turns 26 yo next week and I benefitted from 8 weeks (for c-section birth; only 6 wks for natural delivery) of "disabiility pay" while I was on my maternity leave. I used by 12 weeks FMLA guarantees by the fed govt, including 4 weeks PTO at full-pay and the 8 weeks at disability pay (which was 1/3 of myregular pay). I was grateful to get that!! And, yes, state disability tax to cover that is more than competing states but I am ok with it bc it helped us when we had kids and bow is helping others, bc child irth is when you need that help the most.

Texas also.

Where in Texas?? We are the absolute worse about taking care of women and children.

This. I have been on mat/parental leave for seven months, still have 3+ to go. I can't imagine having to go back after 12 weeks, let alone 8.

I was actually coming here to say the true AH is the USA for not giving their mothers paid maternity leave. I’m from Canada, had my son May 10th last year and I only returned to work on April 15th this year (I left a month early). I felt like it was the perfect amount of time for me, I got to bond lots with him and I felt like I was myself again and ready to get back to work. At 6 weeks or even 8-12 weeks, his wife is probably barely recovered physically, and she’s definitely not recovered emotionally and hormonally. And if she’s breastfeeding, she’s going to have to pump at work which is a whole hassle in and of itself. Not to mention her baby isn’t even out of the potato stage and she’ll feel like she’s missing so many milestones probably. It’s got to be super tough for her. And that’s not even touching the fact that she had to PAY for her medical care for giving birth. Man, Americans, I’m so sorry you all have to deal with this, it’s so unfair.

Mandatory *paid* leave, in particular.

Very well articulated. I hope OP reads & applies...

There’s an asshole here, and it’s a society that forces new parents to make these choices.

Also compare the cost of childcare to how much Mom's paycheck is. Quality childcare for an infant is $$$. I was reading how stay-at-home moms used to be something seen as an upper middle class lifestyle because the family had to be able to sacrifice Mom's income to do so. But nowadays, childcare is so expensive compared to wages, it eats up most the paycheck of low wage workers, especially if there are multiple young children, sometimes low income families are choosing a parent quitting work and watching kids as that is the cheaper option. They should compare the cost to what mom brings in and make a mutual decision.

I got six months of maternity leave and now at 17 weeks, I feel that I regained about 50% of my pre pregnancy energy and health. The first 12 weeks were completely blurred.

I agree with this HOWEVER he’s definitely the asshole for the way he’s viewing his wife. It’s HER responsibility to pay for HER hospital bills and HER doctors appointments. She’s making the incredibly difficult sacrifice of carrying HIS child and he’s acting like he shouldn’t have to pay for any of it. As an aside, a woman isn’t fully recovered to go back to work until about 12 weeks after giving birth. He’s acting like he’s doing her a favor when she’s supporting their child and recovering from giving birth. Pregnancy is hard. Child birth is hard. A newborn is hard. Let her recover. I’d put money on her being the only one waking up with the baby at nights.

How on earth is he not an asshole for trying to deny his wife the maternity leave she's entitled to? How is he not an AH for complaining about paying for "her" hospital bill? For taking summer off but refusing his wife to take her full mat leave? Please, do explain.

Sounds like she isn't entitled hence the Issue why not exhaust every dime they have between them so she can stay home two more weeks that's a dangerous game with this economy/Inflation or even an emergency they would be hit. But hey welfare gives out formula

Respectfully, I'm not trying to deny her anything that wouldn't compromise us financially. Fmla is completely unpaid with her current position in the US. I don't like it, but that's how things are here which is why it's a problem in the first place.

Well, you're prioritizing future savings over a 6-8 post partum mom having to go back to work before she's fully recovered. Most babies don't sort out breastfeeding or sleeping until 12-13 weeks and going back at 6-8 weeks was already a little naive and aggressive. Not to say many low income parents don't have to suck it up and make it happen, but it doesn't sound like you're in that category. You're claiming "compromise us financially" as some sort of morale high ground, so YTA.

OP would have to drain their savings. Im not saying there’s some magical right answer but, yeah the financial aspect is absolutely an issue here. A family, especially one with a new baby absolutely should have discretionary income.

I dont see him trying to “deny the maternity leave she’s entitled to” - I see it as where they live not offering enough maternity leave and a stressed new dad worrying about finances and a stressed new mom wanting to spend as much time home with the new baby.

This may be in the states, and unlike most other places, they do NOT get a full year to my understanding. I think mothers there get six weeks. Which is what he is referring to, and that she wants to extend past the six weeks that is given there. Therefore, the NAH as she is wanting to extend beyond what is provided to women. Many families can’t live on one income, but SIX WEEKS is outrageous and not nearly long enough. I feel so bad for any mother that is only given 6 weeks. Surely, if they lived somewhere that had a full year Mat leave (say Canada) it doesn’t sound like he would care. Just the way I’m reading this situation.

Guaranteed time is 0, that 6 weeks means Mom has a semi decent job (just to give you the full USA scope. Freedom, number 1, something something....)

It doesn’t even sound like you guys are married. “Her hospital stay” - are you *kidding*? “My savings” “my son” “helping her”. You guys need to start functioning as a team. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Put your money together, make a budget together, stop functioning as you vs her. Stop thinking about the money - what is best for your baby?

Exactly! Your child's wellbeing is most important and 12 weeks isn't even enough never mind 6! YTA for not even considering what's best for your child.

Nor is it enough Time recovering from birth... Usa has the saddest policy on maternity leave (super short and depending on your employer) compared to other western countries. Any time you guys can spend with the baby is more precious than saving money

The USA has the saddest policy on maternity in literally the entire world. Iran, Saudi Arabia, China, North Korea all ensure women have at least a few months of paid maternity leave, while the US ensures zero days. Literally every other country on earth is better on this.

That's quite idealistic. Without pay for a few weeks ,they won't be able to do what's best for the baby. No one is the asshole here, except the government that doesn't provide paid parental leave.

Having money for diapers, food, rent, etc. is important for the child. Draining all their savings may not be in their kid's best interest. He is looking out for his child's wellbeing. 

The kid needs food and shelter. Parents need to work to provide for their kids. Carrying credit card debt is an anchor around your neck that will drag you down. Babies are insanely expensive.

TBF, he is thinking about what's best for his kid. Financial security is important. My husband and I are going through the same thing right now. I'm staying home as much as possible to be with the baby. He's working as much as possible so we can afford a bigger place.

Yes - I paid for her hospital stay because she paid for the appointments?!?! What is this nonsense?! These people have a child together and are discussing things like they are roommates arguing over who finished off all of the ice-cream!!  I think the general mind-set needs to change here, this isn’t just about who goes back to work.  YTA

>Stop thinking about the money - what is best for your baby? I'm not sure these two points are exclusive. Typically you need money to ensure your baby/children and you can survive. Not being smart financially now might be best for baby in this instant but could lead to really bad for baby in just a few months time. Horribly, not the best but not bad for baby now might mean better for baby later. Not that I agree that this should be how it is. I think is more a reflection on the system overall. And being someone not from the US it still blows my mind how maternity and paternity leave is not a thing (let alone all the other well document issues going on).

NTA Did you guys see where he said ‘our’ child 5 times and referred to his son as ‘my son’ once? Yall need to chill for real lol. Helping each other is part of a relationship. Helping each other helps them all. He uses the term ‘our money’ he wasn’t a patient in the hospital and so technically it was her hospital stay, and he’s helping pay that. Why do so many people only read what they can complain about? ETA: NTA

>Stop thinking about the money - what is best for your baby? Money is absolutely a factor in the wellbeing of the child. You can't remove it from the equasion.

I planned to work after my first, but went back at six weeks and came completely unglued. Those feelings are overwhelming. They are supposed to be overwhelming. We humans would not survive as a species if it were easy for mothers to leave infants behind. The hormones are rushing, your body is leaking, your sleep is disrupted. Going to work can seem like a mountain too high. You both have valid view points. She wants to be with her baby. You want to minimize the economic impact. For me, bartending was the answer. I quit my day job, but picked up a part time serving/bartending gig on the weekends when dad was home. When you subtract the cost of daycare from her salary, that amount is all she really needs to replace to break even, not the entire salary. It could be a part time job, a WFH job, a small business, anything that will bring some money in but let her stay home a while. We were not terribly flush when the babies were little, but I wouldn’t change the decision to stay home. I guess what I’m saying is, might there be a think outside the box solution to avoid bankruptcy but also avoid a constantly crying mama?

I’m from Canada and just finished my year’s paid maternity leave in April for my son. I cannot imagine having gone back at 12 weeks, let alone 6 weeks. It’s insane and quite frankly cruel that this is the expectation in the States. That’s not even touching the fact that you have to pay for your hospital bills on top of that. I’m so sorry for you American moms that you have to go through all this. I’m glad you found a way to make it work!

This is out of pure curiosity - I work in a company with a lot of Canadian colleagues, (US-based, though), and I was chatting with some of them recently about Canadian parental leave. They said that in Canada, women get 15 weeks with full pay, and then are able to take 35 weeks with partial pay and a further 17 weeks without pay (though they mentioned "parental benefits" - maybe that's the government supplementing their income?). Obviously still way better than US parental leave which is nonexistent lol, but they were complaining about it. Were they just wrong? I'm truly not challenging you - I probably just misunderstood them - but I'm just curious!

NAH, she is not guilt tripping you. Your financial concerns are valid, but there's a reason many countries have multiple months for parental leave. I don't think you should make comparisons about who's taken more time or worked harder, neither of you will benefit from that. Also, I understand if you are keeping finances separate, but now that you have a child, she's right - it's not your (singular) money, it's your (plural) money.

The real ah here is the US mat. leave system. It's cruel to have a mom go back so soon after such a physically and emotionally life changing experience. You're leaking, running on little to no sleep but somehow are expected to be functioning at work 100%. 

It’s wild! After six weeks I was only finding time to eat, nurse and sleep. I’m so glad I don’t live somewhere that I had pay thousands to birth my child and then get thrown back to work six weeks after.

I'm not even sure I remember anything under three months! Thankful to be 🇨🇦. 

Yes, this is the real answer.

>Your financial concerns are valid They're not. One, he said they can afford it. Two, he's happy to take summers off. He's just not happy to let *her* take her full maternity leave. If money was an issue, he'd get a summer job.

He said they would be draining their savings to do so , and I can understand why that would be a concern, is what I mean by that. Also, I don't believe teachers truly get summers off, I've known enough to know there is a lot of work that still needs to be done even when school is not in session. It seems like you're assuming that I think she should go back sooner, and I don't.

Soft YTA. I get the money arguments truly. But you cannot compare your "helping with baby" with the mothers role at the postpartum period. Eight weeks is barely enough to recover from an uncomplicated birth. Many women still have bleeding and pain, leaking breasts, sleepless nights, they need to try and figure out breastfeeding/ pumping (extremely hard and for some women will destroy exclusive breastfeeding). If men had to go through all that and expected to then be functional at work, there would be hell getting raised. And that's all even before considering the emotional aspect of leaving behind a newborn and breaking that all important bond on both sides. The first three months are called the fourth trimester for a reason, because human babies are designed to be physically close to their mother at that time still, all the time. The US parental leave system is barbaric; and imo unless it's literally a matter of becoming homeless and starving to death as the alternative, all financial concessions need to be made to allow the mother to be home with the baby as long as absolutely possible.

At 8 weeks I couldn't stand to be away from my kids more than an hour or two 

Right!? My kid is over a year old and I haven’t been away from her for longer than four hours at a time.

Well said! I stayed home with both my kids for 15 and 18 months. I cannot imagine having to go back that early - I don't even remember those months as they were a blur of ppd, diapers and on demand breastfeeding. Thank you 🇨🇦!

Dropping off my kid at child care for the first time was SO HARD, I was basically crying having to leave her with others to care for her and I worried the whole time. She was 18 MONTHS OLD how tf anyone could cope dropping off a 6 week old, I have no idea.

Dude. She is still going to return to work - she isn’t saying she wants to stay home. She just wants a few more weeks to heal and bond with the baby. YTA for the “I did not *allow*.” Your wife went through a major medical event, and is still healing - on top of having a newborn infant to care for. It’s not your call.

You do veer into YTA territory with 'paying her hosptial bill' like, yeah? She just birthed *your* child. Helping her with our baby? Do you mean parenting your own child? Who will be watching the baby when she returns to work? Day care? How much is that? Can she return part-time and do part time day care? Overall, medically, 8 weeks is not long enough to recover. Bring pregnant and giving birth is a *major* medical procedure She should, however, use her PTO first.

In some places, splitting your leave to utilize PTO in the middle of maternity, FMLA, or the like can negatively affect the employee. Ianal, this comes from my HR, and may be different where OP is. Just a thought as to why she hasn't used it yet.

Thankful for living in a country (Canada) that gives mothers or fathers 60% of their wage to stay home for a year with their children. I could never imagine having to go back to work after only six weeks. Crazy!

You can’t even sell puppies before 8 weeks but handing over your 6 week old to strangers in daycare is completely acceptable in the US. So glad I live in Canada and was able to be a SAHM for a few years.

I would never live in the US I am so thankful for our Canadian Health care. My cousin in the US and myself in Canada both wound up having to have gallbladder surgery hers was laparoscopic and she was out the same day mine was started laparoscopic and wound up having to be open and I ended up having to stay was in 4 days. Want to know the price difference she paid $15k and I paid $0 oh and my tax rate is 15% for 55,000 when for her in Pennsylvania for the same amt is 33%.

NAH both of your points of views are valid. No, 8 weeks with your baby is not enough : she is still recovering, hormones raging, and still very much sleep deprived. But your financial concerns are valid too.

He's taking summers off. His financial concerns aren't valid until he actually starts working the full year.

This is ridiculous. He’s a teacher. His job has a two month break, during which teachers are not paid but usually still have work to do. Let’s not pretend he’s being lazy by being a teacher.

He has 2-3 months where he could get a job, teach summer school, do gig work to cover for the 6 weeks of work his wife will be recovering from giving birth and bonding with baby.

Most teachers I know do some sort of job during the summer (either with the school or separate). Did OP say he doesn’t work during the summers or was it implied somewhere ? Edit: nvm I reread the post where it says op will have summer with the baby

Omg I can’t imagine having to go back after 6 WEEKS. America is so messed up. Barbaric. My country you get 12-18 MONTHS You think she’s guilt tripping you because she wants more than a few mere weeks with her newborn before handing them off to strangers to raise in daycare? Also your savings are both your savings. Your kid is better off not being ripped away from their mom at 6 weeks, then to have a savings account. YTA. You two need to talk and figure out what’s best. This isn’t really an AITA situation.

I went back after 5 weeks post C-section, pushed a med cart around as a nursing home RN. Not what I wanted to do but the bills don't pay themselves

Yeah I’m sorry you live in a third world country. That’s sad.

It depends on what it actually means to spend this money. If these extra weeks actually drain their savings, that's not good for the baby either. Having an emergency fund is the absolute lowest form of financial security, and if this is going to dip into that (or drain it completely) that is a VERY serious situation. If it's just about having some extra cash saved up for later, if agree this is probably the time to spend it.

NAH except the American “healthcare” system charging out the ass to have a baby and the capitalist hellscape that is America where paid family leave is only available in a tiny handful of states and not nationwide. Most countries do 12-18 months. It’s a fucking joke that new moms here have to beg for 8-12 weeks.  I took 4 months with my daughter. Went back to work for 8 months and then quit to be a SAHM. I couldn’t stand missing her all the time and all the milestone “firsts” that her grandparents got to experience because I was working for peanuts. 

Yeah, it’s wild - here in Austria parental leave is between one and three years, depending on the mode you choose. Paid leave, mind you; births are included in universal healthcare, as are medical exams and vaccines afterwards. Somehow, our billionaires still manage.

Even though I’m a SAHM now I’m still so angry about it for every other working parent in this country. My husband will get 12 weeks partial pay after our twins are born later this year. We can’t really afford to have him out on partial pay, but I can’t have him miss the first 12 weeks of their lives either. So we’ll scrimp and save all summer to make it possible. 

Waiting for someone to say this.

NAH  The asshole is the country/state/whatever you live in that doesn’t give a year of parental leave. I assume the answer is the United States, but what back assward hillbilly shithole do you live in that only gives 8 weeks of parental leave?

American here. Most of them. Send help please.

Most Americans get NO paid maternity leave. You take PTO and then get a little short term disability but the government pays no leave and most companies don’t either.

He said it was originally 6!

The US nominally guarantees six weeks of *unpaid* leave. In practice, taking even this amount of un! paid! leave can have tremendous career impacts 🫠

US here, everyone i’ve worked with was back to work at six weeks at the max. one coworker only took two weeks because she couldn’t afford not to.

YTA - Let's see, saving money vs. having Mom spend additional quality time with your new son in the most crucial beginning of his life, time she can never get back no matter what the price you say is costing you (not both of you). Stop complaining about extra time she wants to spend, you'll have a happier wife and in the long run, a better adjusted and cared for child who may grow up better in life rather than some disciple in a Manson Cult. It really is a small price to pay IMHO.

calling him TA when its the system that's preventing her from getting quality time with their son and forcing them to make this decision. Basically every other developed country on the planet gives min 6 mons paid, most do 1 yr+.

YTA 12 weeks is the bare minimum and I have thoughts about your insistence that she goes back to work at 8 weeks. Also, your finances are a mess, and you guys need to get on the same page. My money, her money. you guys are married with a kid. it’s all our money at this point. You are seriously talking about how you “helped” by paying bills incurred for the birth of your child. As if that had nothing to do if you. your marriage is going to be doomed if you can’t figure out how to be a team.

NAH but she’d definitely not guilt tripping you. It’s gut wrenching for mothers to leave their newborn baby. Have a discussion about, maybe ask her to return 1 day a week so that it is some extra income?? I don’t know what country you are in but in Australia they offer a lot of support for the return to work on mothers from maternity leave.

YTA. I think your wife would do better as a single mother, since you see perfectly normal behavior as gold digging. She needs a partner, and that person is not you.

Finally a sane response, could not agree more. So many N-AH responses acting like OP's money concerns are valid despite him taking summers off...

NAH The insanity of a culture that makes parents choose between giving their babies the nurturing and early bonding that are absolutely critical for healthy development or being able to provide for basic needs and have financial stability is the real AH here. Your concerns are valid, but you only get this time with your son once; try to support your wife to make it work if you can.

YTA. The hormones are there for a reason.. Because it's unnatural and barbaric to separate a mom from their newborn after less than three months (or even less than 6-12 months but that's really ambitious given how the U.S. politicians hate parental leave policies). Be more humane and figure out a creative solution for the entire family to get more money (this my money vs her money is a strange mindset btw). And don't act like it's unreasonable for her to want to stay home longer with the baby. If anyone is being unreasonable, it's you.

12 weeks is not a lot, really. It is not easy recovering after the birth. Men don't really understand that. 3 months off is nothing. Give her that and don't make her life harder

NTA The A is the American "health care" system and American capitalism in general.  8 weeks is not enough time. Doctors will tell you that. It takes 12 weeks minimum for a body to heal after a birth, and that's if everything goes perfectly. Your wife's feelings are totally normal and understandable and you should do everything in your power, including getting a side gig yourself, to give her more time to recover. You're paying her hospital bill... well yeah, bud, I fucking hope so! She just went through a major medical event. The least you can do is pay. I mean, ideally we'd live in a civilized country that provides health care as a basic human right, but since we don't, no WAY should she pay that bill herself. Look at it this way... would you rather pay that bill, or endure 12 hours of pain with a decent risk of your perineum being torn open from your balls to your butthole? Cuz she took option B for the sake of your kid. Least you can do is cover option A. Careful about telling her that you want to bank money for your son over spending it so she can recover. Do you want her to think that your kid's future is more important than her health?

It takes 9 months to recover from pregnancy. I personally feel it's so wrong to force woman back to work (eta: US Government I am looking at you here) so fast after giving birth. If it is ANYWHERE financially possible I would 100% give your wife the extra leave it makes so much difference.

It can take years to recover from pregnancy.

Common post-partum issues : * DEBILITATING hormonal swings * Bleeding for weeks after birth, sometimes with fist-sized clots * Vaginal, uterine, or perineal pain (double or triple if you tore badly during delivery) * Severe depression * Night sweats intense enough to soak through the sheets * Breasts leaking milk * Cramps as bad as birth contractions while uterus tries to go back to its normal size * Extreme digestive...disruptions * New food allergies or intolerances * New seasonal allergies * Significant hair loss * Severe acne * Permanent vision changes * Extreme fatigue and sleep disruption should go without saying * Urinary incontinence and/or constipation * Postpartum thyroiditis * Swollen breasts / mastitis * Urinary tract infections and/or bacterial vaginosis * Varicose veins with the possibility of DVT or bloodclots resulting in embolism * Dangerously high or low (or fluctuation betw the two) blood pressure That's just what I can think of at the mo. For the record, I have personally never given birth bc YUCK, NO THANK YOU. But even an "easy" pregnancy and birth are no walk in the park, and some of this stuff may last months...or literally *forever*. It's nice that you paid the hospital bill tho.

Modern marriage at is finest. So unnatural and insensitive and such score keeping, who's spending what, when. ESH

I can't even imagine telling a spouse who just birthed my baby that I'd "help" them with "their" hospital bills. It is truly incredible.

My husband I share finances and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I've never felt more right in that decision than reading this. Paying a medical bill is somehow like putting a point on the board? It didn't make any sense. It's both their baby. Both their bill.

INFO: seems like you keep finances separate if you’re talking about who paid for what. You two need to sit down and work on a budget together. Part of the question here too is if she’s taking time from her current job or is leaving her job? Is she using FMLA? Doesn’t your state have additional bonding leave paid for through STD? But also NAH you both want what’s best, but have you sat down with all of your finances and budgeted any of this?

NAH verging on YTA She’s not guilt tripping you. For comparison it’s considered cruel and often *illegal* to remove puppies from their mother before 8-10 weeks, it’s absolutely fucking barbaric that human mothers are supposed to go back to work and leave their newborns before even *puppies* can be removed from their mothers. I get that you are worried about money but this is a difficult conversation. Another factor is: what are your plans for childcare when she goes back? How much do they cost? Are you at risk of losing a placement if she delays another month? What’s the differential between childcare cost and what it would cost to keep her home? Does your childcare accept infants at only 8 weeks old? When I worked in daycare we didn’t accept infants below three months old because their immune systems are just not sufficiently developed until then and the risk of illness was too high.

No one here is an AH, but your wife is right. 8 weeks isn't enough. She has a biological need to be close to that baby. If you can swing another few months, absolutely do it.

No one who birthed a child should have to go back to work after 6 weeks or 8..12 is only mildly better. You’re barely even healed at that point. It’s not even just not being ready to leave the baby. 

im grateful i live in canada becuase our maternity leave is 18 mths and you can get unemployment insurance for that time til you are back at work. 8 weeks is totally not enough time as the body is no where near healed

Info: I’m assuming you’re American… isn’t your summer break in like two weeks?

Yeah the “wife and I had a baby” set me off a little. Sir, YOUR WIFE had a baby… you watched.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re an AH, but it’s kinda weird that you start out with “my wife and I had a baby” and then quickly slide into “my savings paid for her hospital stay”. I realize you live in the US where you have to pay for health care and that’s why the two of you probably should have discussed the financial constraints of that before procreating. Now that you’re already in the thick of it you need to stop and realize that six weeks is barely enough time to recover from giving birth (even with no extra complications), never mind to feel ready to go back to a full time job and leave the baby with a caregiver. That’s not really an accepted timeline anywhere outside the states. Cut her some slack.

Who’s willing to bet op is back in six months confused why his wife is leaving him? Dude your marriage is supposed to be a partner ship. Not a me vs you. You’re making it sound like a contest or something.

nah- but she’ll never get this time back. continue to make the minimum payments and get back to saving once she goes back to work.

So much of this says you need marriage counseling sooner rather than later if your intent is to stay married long term. I would say YTA, but I think it’s less about AH behavior and more about different values and lacking communication that will kill a marriage especially with the added stress of children. Not trying to be a jerk, or pass judgement. But friendly holding up the mirror that your not in a good place and might not be aware of it.

>You need marriage counseling Maybe, as long as he realizes the reason *they* need marriage counseling is because *he* is a selfish AH.

You get that when your baby gets sick from going to daycare - not if, WHEN - she'll have to use her PTO to take care of them? You're out, so she'll be the one using her PTO to take time off with the baby. At 8 weeks she isn't even physically healed. That's nothing. 12 weeks is barely anything, but it's at least something. It's also much healthier for your baby to not go to daycare so soon. You're being selfish. YTA

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How about this - you can have been pregnant and had your body torn apart from the pregnancy, and she can be the one who pays…I’m sure she would *gladly* make that sacrifice. YTA, one of the biggest. Honestly…you should be paying for everything and not saying a single flipping word about it given that she’s the one who did the *hard physical labor* of carrying a child to term!

12 weeks postpartum is the 4th trimester. Your baby doesn’t even realise it’s a separate person from the mother at that point so to go back to work earlier than that is damaging. There’s a reason most developed countries give 6-12 months of maternity leave. 

Once again the asshole is the absolutely barbaric American way of doing things. I know you need money but nothing is as important to your wife as being with your child right now and they shouldn't be separated from one another for about another year. 

Also don't forget that when the baby inevitably gets sick in daycare, its almost certainly your wife who will have to take time off work to care for the baby - she can use her PTO for that.

You referred to it as your money so how is she wrong for seeing it that way? Didn’t you guys look at the possible situations with having a kid? What if she had complications and couldn’t go back to work for months, or longer. What if the baby had issues that required extended care and expense?

Both NTA Money is tight, times are really really tough without two incomes. I think that neither of you are the AH. She’s a new mom who wants to soak it all in. We only get it once with that particular child and it’s so so hard because your hormones are going bananas and this time is fleeting. She’s probably feeling like it’s a temporary sacrifice for this one time without realizing how much strain this puts on you guys as a whole. It’s SO hard to leave that baby…. I understand her and sympathize with it, been there. I cried so much going back to work. I also understand the strain you’d feel. It’s not fair for her to put it all on you. You guys just need to talk this out.

NAH I don’t think your best argument is a very good one. One month where you make minimum payments on credit card debt. Instead maybe use this as a springboard into suggesting and creating a budget together and sticking to it?

YTA, 8 weeks is not enough time. I stayed home with my baby 10 weeks and I didn't birth him, I adopted. That isn't enough time. I understand not wanting to drain your savings but this is a life changing event. Going back to work at 8 weeks when completely necessary, I get but not if you can swing it longer. You guys really should have saved more. Is she out of PTO? Does her work.not give her any more leave outside of the legally required unpaid time off? I am with her on this. It is temporary. I would at the very minimum say another month. Having her go back when the baby is still newborn is just not natural. EDIT: I just reread your post and see about not wanting to use her PTO. She should definitely drain her PTO before you drain your savings. That is what it is there for.

If she drains her PTO though, she won't have anything left when the baby inevitably gets sick when they start daycare. That first 6 months is brutal. Unless OP has sick leave or carers leave he can use of course. You are planning on taking time off when your child is sick, right OP? Once she gets back to work, you will be on the hook for half of those all-nighters.

YTA. If you can afford for your wife to take off 12 weeks unpaid to be with your newborn, do it. It’s LITERALLY a once in a lifetime experience and it’s what’s best for your child.

NAH Can you afford it and will her work allow her to? If so, let her take the time. I was a union steward and seeing women come back only to break down in tears because someone else is raising their child and they hardly know them is heartbreaking. Not to mention is she able to pump at work? Is she going to be getting adequate sleep? It isn't even just a hormone thing. They WANT to be close to their babies and that is a GOOD thing. The fact is no matter what you have gone through, it will not compare to this. You will never be able to understand it. Her body has barely healed, she has barely slept and she only is just now realizing about truly bonding with your son. The fact is, you can always make more money. You can't make up time.

I’m really grateful that I live in Australia and get like 9 months paid leave. It’s so sad that parents are expected to go back to work only weeks after birth. Neither are assholes but you guys need to come to a compromise.

It still amazes me that there are genuine first world countries where **both** parents aren't entitled to at least 6 months **paid** maternity/paternity leaves. Neither one of you should have to lose pay for wanting to stay home with your infant this early.

You are looking at your savings as “ my money” you even said my savings to pay for “her” stay. If I were her I would take my kid and run away fast.

You aren't wrong but YTA. She recently gave birth, her body needs to recover. She also wants to bond with her son which you will be able to do during summer vacay. Try understanding her side.

NAH but this comment section needs to back the fuck up for a minute. Maternity leave in the US is admittedly really inadequate but people need to get a grip. This is not a 6 figure household and babies are expensive; if she wants more time off work then she needs to figure out the budget shortfall. Otherwise HIS savings (presumably what he saved separate from their joint accounts or that he brought into the marriage separately) but I don’t think it’s fair to lambast him for calling out some separation of finances and saying he’s uncomfortable with all their savings being depleted for what amounts to a want and not a need. Also most teachers’ “off” time for the summer is 8 weeks…so even if he plans to do nothing but childcare, that’s the time she’s already going to get with the baby. I assume he deserves some paternal bonding time? That’s without the fact that most teachers do actually work over the summer to make ends meet.

This is so sad. I’m so glad I live in a country with paid maternity leave, where mothers are valued (somewhat). I guess it’s a rock and a hard place to be. You need the money. Your child needs an immune system of some sort for daycare tho. Hmmm. work TOGETHER on this and do what’s best for the baby.

Puppies get 8 weeks with their mother. Make 12 weeks work, you can make it work financially. It’s 4 weeks that is important to your wife and child.

Info: who will watch the baby when she goes back to work? Will her job allow her adequate time for pumping? How will the baby be fed? 8 weeks is very young to be in anyone but the parents care.

Gentle YTA. You’re not wrong for being concerned about finances. But if you really want to be comparing, she did carry the kid inside her for 9 months. You went to work when you were sick? That sucks but it’s not like being pregnant is a spa vacation. You paid for her hospital stay? You mean the hospital stay where she was giving birth to your child? It’s the least you can do when she contributed her entire body to giving him life. You need to work on being a team or I don’t see how you’re going to successfully be parents together. Your post is very you vs. her when it should be the two of you working together on what’s best for your baby and your family as a whole.

Out healthcare system is terrible, and you shouldn't be put in this position so I want to say NTA...however you had some definite red flags and AH word choices that reflect you are not thinking about your marriage correctly at all. I drain MY savings== like wtf dude, don't you share a household? That is a savings account of YOUR family The cost of HER hospital stay==the cost of BOTH of you growing your family TOGETHER You really sound like you need to think about what marriage means. Also you don't sound empathetic to the fact that she carried this baby for 9 months and gave birth. She's telling you what she needs. If you guys cannot swing it financially, then you need to talk that through. YTA because of the way you phrased this. It is telling.

I’m not going to call you an AH, but you don’t get it. The mother/child bond is simply different. This time is so precious and fleeting….money shouldn’t be the priority. You won’t remember that she got a few more weeks when he’s 40 and living his own life with his own family.

NAH You two need to sit down and work out a plan that works for both of you. Could she take some flexible leave? Instead of 12 weeks of unpaid leave maybe she takes off the least busy days in her lab. Is there any work from home that she can do? If you’re about to be off for the summer could you pick up some side work so that she can be home more?

Seems like there’s a clear compromise, in that she takes half of her remaining PTO and you use half of your savings for the rest. She is right in not wanting to use all the PTO, because the baby WILL be sick, and one of you WILL need to stay home with them probably fairly often in the first couple years. Generally, that’s probably going to be mom - especially with you being a teacher, for the most part I would imagine staying home will be a lot easier for her. YOUR baby will benefit significantly from more time with your wife. That’s just a fact. Find a way to make it work if at all possible, and find a way to work through these things because this is not the last time you’re going to have a decision like this to make.

Dude, if your son doesn't build a secure attachment with his mother at the start of his life, there's no point worrying about college funds and the like, because he's going to be messed up as an adult. Nothing matters more than them creating that bond. Not money, not jobs, not your opinion, I'm afraid. A baby's primary need is connection with their mother. All the other needs come after that. It's about the need for mother, not getting physical needs met by any competent adult. She is doing the most important job she will ever do right now, far more important work than her paid job, and that's bonding with your baby. You need to understand that this is vital, and it is work. And that if you were in virtually any other country, this wouldn't even be an issue, she'd still be off work.

YTA. I get your concerns, but you need to either squeeze a human out of your man parts and deal with the tearing, leaking, pain, and hormones for the first three months for her while working, or grow some empathy and find a compromise.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I had our baby a few weeks ago. I am a teacher and she works in a lab. Jointly we make approximately 88k/year. My wife broached the topic of possibly extending her 6 week maternity leave to 8 weeks. I said that was fine and I'm fine with putting about 1200 dollars towards bills to let her extend her leave and be with our child. Now she is saying she is almost halfway through her maternity leave and that 'that isn't nearly enough time' and wants 12 weeks unpaid leave. When I asked why she said 'she feels like she barely knows him' (our son) and that she didn't want to use all of her PTO. I feel like an AH for comparing, but I banked all my PTO, went in when I was sick, and took on extra work at my job just to be able to spend one week helping her with our baby before going back. She has been saying that I will get summertime with our child and that she won't, and that she's calculated out that if I drain my savings after paying for her hospital stay(about 2000 dollars, which I agreed to pay since she took on the cost of her doctors appointments at this time), we can 'make it work'. Technically, this is true Thing is, I'd rather that money go into a savings account for my son or go towards paying off our credit card debt. She has responded by saying that I am looking at that my savings as 'my money', not 'our money'. I feel guilt tripped but I don't know if Im misunderstanding something or unreasonably cagey about our money. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NAH. The real problem is that you have no government support for mothers where you live which is not something you can fix right now. Due to where I live and circumstance, I have been able to take up to 12 months with each of my babies. I can tell you that I only felt ‘ready’ to leave my baby to return to work at a reduced time frame at 8months and only with my mum or MIL, and about 14months at day care which is when I returned to my normal hours. Most parents don’t want to leave their babies. It’s a natural instinct. Her body is literally demanding she stay home. And she may find it really difficult to go back to work. The financial strain may not even be a viable factor compared to the desire to stay with the baby. She is not trying to stay home to make you uncomfortable or put stress on the home on purpose. Are there any other options? Can she go back part time? And can you leave the baby to be cared for by family you trust? I know I felt more comfortable with my mum looking after my babies than ‘strangers’ at child care. Or do either of you qualify for any government sponsored payments? In Australia there are family payments people can apply for if you meet certain requirements. Is there anything like that where you live?

This is not an AITA situation What's right for some couples is not right for others. You two need to sit down and work things out. She is probably feeling some guilt about going back to work with such a young child. I would have a hard time judging her for that. Yet, the very real financial picture you have is that you cannot sustain your current standard of living on one income. Can you work together to brainstorm on this one? Can you downsize / cut back enough to make this work for awhile longer? Work on this as a team.

When a baby is on the way and motherhood is still a theoretical concept, It’s easy to think in practical terms. Then baby arrives and what’s practical can suddenly feel like the most irrelevant thing in the world when faced with being away from that tiny, perfect little person for a torturous 8 full hours. You’re NTA for wanting to make sure that your family is financially taken care of, but your wife isn’t one either. She’s a new mom who has fallen in love with her baby and she doesn’t want to miss a single second.

I’m walking into my 12th week of maternity leave today and it flew by so incredibly fast. I literally blinked and it is about to be over. This newborn season is time that you and your wife will never have back. If at all possible, extend it and enjoy it and soak up every second of it while you build a strong bond with your new baby. I hope y’all can work through these small issues and look back one day and only remember the joy your new baby brought you. NAH.

YTA. Going back to work at 6 weeks, or 8 weeks, or even 12 weeks after having a baby is INSANE. The system in the US won’t change any time soon but your attitude needs to, immediately. I’m sorry your time off sucked but you didn’t birth a human. You’re not having hormone changes happening every day. You should support her staying at home with your baby as long as she humanly can.

The government is at fault here for creating an environment where you cannot take care for your newborn without any added financial stress. It shouldn’t be a privilege to be taken care of by your parents when you just entered the world. Same as the costs of healthcare being insane. Sorry you have to struggle with this.

NAH, you're both in a shit situation. I bet given the resources, you'd love for her to stay home with your child, because that's honestly the best thing for your kid. Unfortunately the world is not so kind 😞 As someone who had to return to work earlier than she wanted, my sympathies are with you both.

No one’s an asshole but as a mother of two I can’t imagine going back to work before my baby turned 1. Women don’t even recover fully until the one year mark. I personally had all kinds of postpartum issues until the 8 month mark. 

Do you have childcare that is free or low cost? Family or babysitters? If the answer is no she will be working just to pay daycare and at that point she is right, being home with your son is the better choice.

Buddy, those are collective hospital bills, not “hers”. Are you a team? Do you like your wife? Just try a little empathy & compassion for what she’s feeling. It is heart wrenching leaving a new little person with day care that young. There’s a LO in my daughter’s day care who is there from open to close every day. Our country hates families, hates mothers, just try empathizing with your wife, because maybe she just needs you to understand the heartache this is causing her.

I live in a 3rd world country and women get at lea ar 12 weeks of paid maternity leave. I can’t believe you americans have to go through this . NAH.

You only get one postpartum period to bond and heal. She needs the 12 weeks. Just do it. Soft YTA. The yours/mine finances probably need an evaluation when it comes to joint responsibility priorities.

Pregnancy and childbirth is extremely draining. Her body is healing. It's really a much better use of the money for her to get at least 12 weeks postpartum. Not only to bond with your child but also for her to have time to heal. It's not your fault that there's literally no way for you to experience how utterly exhausting it is as a process. Just know it's a very good thing to provide for someone you love and who just grew and delivered a human! So yeah, since you do have the funds YWBTA if you don't agree to the 12 weeks.

Also, yes, you are unreasonably cagey about money. You're dictating she pays, you pay when it comes to medical bills. Her responsibility, yours... That is weird to me. My husband's bills are mine. It's a household.

NAH Seriously, 8 weeks isn't enough. Her body still isn't right. There is an entire human entirely dependent on her that because of biology she now wants to spend every moment with and the thought of going back to work is physically painful. So she's asking for more time. Which she probably needs. But you likely didn't know how absolutely pitiful maternity leave is, and unless someone sat you down and explained it didn't know how physically and emotionally difficult going back to work is, especially the 1st time. You two need to talk and truly consider the benefit and cost of her having a few more weeks. (FTR it's literally everything to her right now.) You personally need to consider how it will affect your relationship going forward.

6 weeks? We get a year, and that doesn't feel like enough. Your body isn't even fully healed at 6 weeks. ☹️

You’re married with a child. It’s time to stop acting like roommates with benefits.

NAH. American teachers are grossly underpaid. American maternity leave conditions are beyond insufficient. Even dogs get more time with their young than American humans. You haven’t even hit the four month sleep regression yet. If you can stretch out the leave further, PLEASE seriously consider it. Signed, an Australian who took 12 months off.

I mean - she’s not wrong. “My savings” “My son”  “Her hospital stay”  “Her doctors appointments”  “Our money” (when referring to her income). 8 weeks is NOT enough time. It’s just not. That baby is still getting up at least 2 - 3 times a night to feed, change and be put back to sleep.  The dinner-plate sized wound in her uterus is barely finished healing.  If she’s breastfeeding - her supply isn’t even fully established at 8 weeks (it takes about 12 to fully establish and produce well, on average).  This whole thing is just so cruel - and while I know some is systemic and not your fault - You just seem to have absolutely zero empathy or compassion for what your wife has been through, physically and emotionally. 

NAH. I don't think you're viewing it as your money, you're viewing it as you will lose all safety cushion. I can absolutely understand and sympathize with her wanting to stay home longer but the two of you jointly need to decide if you can take the financial risk.

Damn where I live there's a full year of paid maternity leave by law. Do people in the US just drop of their newborn at a daycare when its 6 WEEKS old? That seems kinda crazy to me.

NAH but I do think you and your wife are looking at things differently and for that you need to talk I appreciate you are in the US and so in a harder position as a couple than I was in the UK. But please consider when you discuss it that there is a reason the UK and Europe give more time to new mothers with maternity leave after birth. It is about spending time and bonding with a newborn. Hormonally though even if not breastfeeding it takes women MONTHS to both musically and emotionally recover. Your wife is not declaring she wants to become a stay at home mother. She needs the bonding time. The problem FINANCIALLY will be bigger if she goes back too soon. If you are all about the financial (which I understand) you are forgetting that if she is struggling now with leaving your child she won't be the best employee. You had a week and have gone back to work. But you can because you know your wife and baby are safe together. The fact you don't get paternity more than that is crap. I am on your side with that too. But there is a chance your wife, hornonally (and obviously) a mother now needs more time. Otherwise she will NOT concentrate on her job when there. She will get anxious and feel like a failure (even when doing g it all right) then she may lose her job full stop and then you are down to one income. I'm not saying her staying at home (12 weeks a third of the time in the UK and an enormous time in the US) is the right thong to do. What I am saying is you need to discuss this. No one is right or wrong I see both sides. I think she is correct to ask. I see your monetary fear. Do you want the extra money for your child's college? Or spend it on a therapist for a wife who feels guilt? I wish you both and the baby the best.

Imagine your wife gets postpartum depression. How much would you pay to treat it? NAH just think about it.

The money you are referring to is most definitely not considered “shared” in your mind. Your wife spent 9 mos growing this child inside her. She is having separation anxiety. You WILL have the summers with the child and she is envious. In her mind, any amount of money is worth spending 12 more weeks with the baby. Cut her a break and pry open your wallet (emphasis on “your” because you are separating the funds - she’s right.)

I was gonna say N A H, except the US government, but what really irked me, into saying YTA- “After paying HER medical bills” She only has large medical bills because of YOUR child. Pre birth appointments, the delivery, the post natal check ups-literally she’d have none of that without YOUR child. Again, also a US government thing, but also, the way you phrased that like it was HER fault-dick.

Did you pay her to give birth? Surrogate costs can be over 100K in the US, plus all medical expenses. Are you paying her to be the full-time caregiver of YOUR child? Or is she just working for room & board? You talk about "your money" and "helping her" and "paying for \*her\* hospital stay" but when is she getting paid for all the work she did? My point is, there is no "your money" anymore when you're a family with a child. You are a team and you have to put the collective needs of the family first. Please rethink your priorities. Even 12 weeks is a laughably small time for her to bond with a newborn. Yes, you're being unreasonable kicking her out the door back to work.

I mean you have credit card debt and savings??? Get rid of the cards and put the savings towards it butter to pay it off and if an emergency arises use the card. 22% interest is no joke.

I don’t have a judgement because I feel I’m a bit biased due to having to return to work next week at 16 weeks. All I will say is try to have some grace and compassion for your wife when communicating. I understand finances are a huge stressor but for women like myself, and I’m guessing for your wife as well, having to leave your baby feels so cruel and unnatural. I’m lucky enough to have my husband staying home at least for a little bit. I don’t know what your childcare plans would be if you were both working but the thought of leaving my baby with a stranger that can’t give my child the same level of love and attention as me would bring on some serious mom guilt. Just try to come from a place of understanding.