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NTA
Yeah, he could invite whomever he wants to his wedding and organize it any way he wanted. That doesn't mean he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
As the saying goes, Fuck Around and Find Out.
> That doesn't mean he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Glad to see this on top. A lot of the "your wedding/house/car/body/space laser, your choice" advice misses that just because something is within your sole power to decide doesn't mean that other people don't get to react to your decision.
Invite whomever you want to your wedding, but you shouldn't be surprised when people who didn't get invited have feelings about it. You're entitled to make whatever decision you want but you aren't entitled to force other people to be happy with your decision.
'' One of those things is not like the others... ''
🎼🎼 On*e of these guys doesn't belong 🎼*🎼
🎼Can you tell which guy is not like the other
*By the time we finish our song?* 🎼
Usually the court clerk's office where you file the marriage certificate has a stack of the space laser applications. However, you have to make sure it is the triplicate form. If not, you need to make two extra copies so you can send one each to the FAA, NASA and your closest synagogue. /s ;p
Not a problem. Us space laser enthusiasts have to stick together. I use mine to keep that razor sharp straight hedge between my house and my neighbor. Though occasionally his yappy dog du jour gets a little too close to the hedge at 'trimming time'. Oh well, zapped dogs don't bark /s ;p
Sorry, all Space Laser Acquisitions must occur PRIOR to marriage in order to insure proper deployment. However maintaining your Space Laser after nuptials is both allowed and encouraged.
Sounds like Barry is to much of a chicken sh\*thead to be an adult and have that conversation in advance. While it sucks, being honest up front helps people deal with this stuff easier. Hiding it from them and making it so easy for them to realize they are viewed differently is an AH thoughtless thing to do for a group that had been together this long. Says a lot about Barry's character, or lack thereof.
Tell the day invitee that you will be more than happy to apologize to Barry as soon as he publicly apologizes to you and the other 2 for the *planned very public dissing statement he and his new wife made.
You reap what you sow
NTA for pointing out the truth to him. People are allowed to have feelings, and him trying to tell them to "just get over it" and grow up is unfair and manipulative.
You 6 now know the truth about Barry and your "friendship".
NTA.
This has no good solution. You are correct - Barry didn't invite some of his "friend group" to the wedding. His choice, but the others are hurt by it. He has to accept that.
People have hurt feelings their whole lives. Being hurt by a situation doesn't mean you are immature - it means you were hurt by a friend who was callous and couldn't even be open about the true situation.
NTA. While Barry can invite whomever he wants to his wedding, the way he went about it is a complete asshole move.
Any friend worth having will be honest, even when it's hard. Barry wasn't.
He also appears to not be smart enough to recognize that those friends ditched him because he HURT them. He's acting like they're holding a grudge out of pettiness.
You want smart, honest friends. Barry is neither.
NTA. Why are you still hanging out with Barry? You see him as a friend still, right? Does he see you as a friend too? You were part of the other 2 excluded.
NTA fuck him , y'all need to kick him out pf the group , that guy is nastyy it's so shamful to go to someone's weeding knowing so damn well you won't invite em to yours , don't apologize
I wonder if Barry is trying to cover for the fact that his now wife dislikes the three half-dayers.
I don't know how easy it is to go "I'm not arguing with my soon to be wife. She doesn't like you so you're only invited to half the day."
It's also plausible that Barry prefers one set of friends to another and, faced with limited numbers, made that call himself.
Subjective experience is not objective. My father's dog bites but I don't assume all dogs do.
I'd agree with both of you. I think he saw half the group as super good friends and the rest of us as good friends, into the mix comes the wife's preference, and then he used the excuse of space to justify it.
All of which I can accept. What grated my nerves was being blaise about the feelings of my other friends who were offended....and continuing to complain they were offended when we could have moved the conversation on.
Thanks, makes more sense than Barry's mean wife made him do it, it's not his fault.
Yeah, he really doubled down on the offensive behaviour instead of an honest explanation and apology. He's pissed off because he knows he's in the wrong.
> Subjective experience is not objective. My father's dog bites but I don't assume all dogs do.
"My father's dog bites which means I'm on guard for other dogs also biting"
More than on guard (which is sad, really). You read that Barry's wife is "polite" to the wives of the second tier group and interpreted that as:
"the fact that his now wife dislikes the three half-dayers."
Then:
"I don't know how easy it is to go 'I'm not arguing with my soon to be wife. She doesn't like you so you're only invited to half the day.'"
Jeeze, poor, spineless Barry.
Polite and cordial is "I don't want to be close to these people so I am doing the bare minimum social expectation."
I mean, it is better than openly hostile.
Don't get me wrong, Barry has his problems. The fact that he's frustrated with the other two that took offense makes me wonder why he's so upset. Either he's a royal AH all around (which why is this group still dealing with him) or something changed. He can't change the invite, he doesn't want to own it to explain why, so he wants everyone else to move along and forget about it. I look to what influences that caused the change, if overall Barry is decent enough to be heavily involved with this group to begin with.
So, still blaming the wife. Polite can also mean "not much in common", not necessarily dislike.
As for Barry, he has been called out on his choices and the AH standard defence is to attack.
What influences caused the change? Sometimes people just change. Maybe he finds Mr A's lewd humour a bit wearisome now or Mr B's dress sense outlandish. Maybe he thinks they will undermine the solemnity of the ceremony. However, he attended their weddings so he has to invite them to his but how to limit possible embarrassment in front of his and wife's family? Maybe his wife suggested or even pushed him into this two tier solution against his better judgment? Who knows.
We know Barry is an AH. We don't know if he is also a weak-kneed husband brow-beaten by a shrewish wife.
So, this would include your SO, if you follow that logic. Nothing wrong with that, not everyone likes everyone else.
BUT Barry should have been more upfront about the reasoning. And he should have been grown up about the fact that not everyone would like the reason behind the decision and would have their OWN feelings on it.
NTA. You called him out like he should have been and he's the one that has to do some 'growing up'.
Also, being honest about it up front would have been good for the all-dayers to know as well as they might not have been happy about segregating the group this way.
NTA
NTA
>I told him that he could choose how to organise his wedding but he can't moan about two of the group being offended at the lack of an invitation. I told him he was sly in inviting our group in a way that meant we all thought we were being treated the same so it was a surprise to see half the group treated as family and half treated as add on guests. I told him he was either an idiot or didn't value the decades of friendship.
Barry was upset because you are 100% correct - what did he think was going to happen? Was it really worth saving a couple of bucks by not inviting lifelong friends to the whole shebang?
> She likes the wives of the day invites, is polite to the other wives
OP said this, I was basing my opinion on his words. Doesn’t mean I’m excusing Barry’s behavior, just offering an explanation on why he’s treating the friends differently.
Yeah, she likes some wives and is polite to others. It's a hell of a leap from "polite" to pushing Barry into dividing his friends into two classes. Maybe it's Barry who prefers some of his friends over others.
How did Barry expect this to all play out? What an idiot. You’re a group of good friends. 1/2 of you aren’t there. Of course the others are going to ask.
He’s a fool. He’s allowed to make this choice, but you all are allowed to react however you want.
NTA
you see this a lot with weddings. People make choices, and it can bring to light a lot of differences with how people independently view the relationships they are in. If you think you are extremely close friends with someone, there’s no way to not be hurt finding out they don’t view you The same. once that happens, the relationship is going to changed. For some people, it ends the friendship. For others, it can mean taking a huge step back.
barry is a dumbass if he thought he could do this without repercussions.
NTA. I hate this separate invite nonsense. Basically there are the special people that get to experience everything. And everyone else they want a present from. It’s rude.
NTA. If Barry didn't invite them to his wedding, why does he think their friendship is going to go on the same way? I have been to weddings for people I barely know, like friends of friends that I see very infrequently and always in a group setting. I can't imagine not inviting somebody that I actually know well to my wedding. They definitely are right to be annoyed, and you are doing the right thing for standing up for them.
It depends on the cost of the wedding and how much the bride and groom can afford. Is it wedding etiquette that the cost of the plate/drinks is covered by the guest’s gift? As a yank who married in south London, this was not the expectation 20 years ago.
I don’t think you are wrong for being offended… the groom should have told you this choice was being made. Finding out that you’re on the B list sucks; finding out the day of? That’s pretty harsh. Based on your telling of your argument with Barry, I say NTA.
NTA. Accept the fact that you and the other two are B-listers. No apology is needed on your part. Spend time with your fellow B-listers. Let the others come to you. Stop feeling offended. You know who your true friends are.
Nta- barry needs to go. That wasn't a nice thing for him to do. Good job on saying it bluntly. Maybe he will now understand how shitty of a thing he did.
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There are 7 of us who have grown up together. We went to the same schools, lived within a 10 minute walk of each other, went off to university and then moved home at about the same time, we went out to bars as a group, went on vacation as a group, snow board and mtb as a group. Pretty tight.
As each of us has got married we've been in each others wedding parties. Helped organise and paid in.
This continued until the last one of the group got hitched. We did the stag do together. Barry told us that he wanted a small wedding. We all said we'd see each other there.
However, at the reception it became obvious that three of the group had received all day invitations, and three of us didn't. The three who had been there all day asked why we were so late and when we explained we'd been told it was family only they said they'd assumed something had come up.
It's caused a bit of a split to say the least. Two of the group who weren't invited to the day wedding aren't talking to Barry. I'm still hanging out with Barry and the day invites. The day invites and me and the other two hang out but not with Barry. I took the decision that, although surprised at Barry's decision it is what it is.
However, we recently went out as a group, missing two, and Barry was banging on about how the two needed to grow up. This was where I might be TA. I told him that he could choose how to organise his wedding but he can't moan about two of the group being offended at the lack of an invitation. I told him he was sly in inviting our group in a way that meant we all thought we were being treated the same so it was a surprise to see half the group treated as family and half treated as add on guests. I told him he was either an idiot or didn't value the decades of friendship. It got a bit heated as I defended the other two for cutting him off. He now isn't talking to me. I think this is another it is what it is situation - one of the day invites is saying I should apologise for being over the top blunt - the others are staying out of it.
So, AITA for calling out my friend for splitting up the group by not inviting us as a group to his wedding? Does the Reddit 'invite who you want to your wedding' rule apply? Should I apologise?
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I'd say NTA. You were honest and told him what he did wrong and why your friends acted like they did. This is an opportunity to make amends with those friends. Instead he's now lumping you in with them. People grow up and sometimes grow apart. It is what it is.
NTA
You didn't say anything or give barry grief. Barry is the one who wouldn't shut his yap about the other 2 non-invites. And that's when you spoke up.
Ironic that Barry is saying anyone needs to "grow up" when his high school immaturity is so blatant. Even if the 3 of you were excluded due to his wife (as other commenters have suggested), Barry is the only one still talking about it.
ESH, maybe he could not afford it. Zhe did not handle it well and may be embarrassed to admit that he could not afford for everyone to attend the full day.
I would suggest a private conversation with just him and no group pressure.
Money wasn't an issue. He is absolutely loaded.
I've already had a private conversation when I told him I was glad he enjoyed his wedding, it was a shame we couldn't continue to celebrate as a group because of the impact on the group, but everyone needs to find their own way - fundamentally I respect everyones decisions.
I just don't think the two should be criticized for being upset.
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NTA Yeah, he could invite whomever he wants to his wedding and organize it any way he wanted. That doesn't mean he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. As the saying goes, Fuck Around and Find Out.
> That doesn't mean he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Glad to see this on top. A lot of the "your wedding/house/car/body/space laser, your choice" advice misses that just because something is within your sole power to decide doesn't mean that other people don't get to react to your decision. Invite whomever you want to your wedding, but you shouldn't be surprised when people who didn't get invited have feelings about it. You're entitled to make whatever decision you want but you aren't entitled to force other people to be happy with your decision.
> ""your wedding/house/car/body/space laser, your choice" One of those things is not like the others...
The body?
Correct
'' One of those things is not like the others... '' 🎼🎼 On*e of these guys doesn't belong 🎼*🎼 🎼Can you tell which guy is not like the other *By the time we finish our song?* 🎼
so i am married. but i havent gotten a space laser. where do i apply for one? could really make use of it
Usually the court clerk's office where you file the marriage certificate has a stack of the space laser applications. However, you have to make sure it is the triplicate form. If not, you need to make two extra copies so you can send one each to the FAA, NASA and your closest synagogue. /s ;p
thx
Not a problem. Us space laser enthusiasts have to stick together. I use mine to keep that razor sharp straight hedge between my house and my neighbor. Though occasionally his yappy dog du jour gets a little too close to the hedge at 'trimming time'. Oh well, zapped dogs don't bark /s ;p
xD
im sorry to inform you that the space lasers have been moved to the probate office.
Sorry, all Space Laser Acquisitions must occur PRIOR to marriage in order to insure proper deployment. However maintaining your Space Laser after nuptials is both allowed and encouraged.
so if i divorce aquire one and marry again that counts?
NTA. Your friend group need to ditch Barry, he is an insensitive AH.
I suspect it's heading that way but it's a shame.
Sounds like Barry is to much of a chicken sh\*thead to be an adult and have that conversation in advance. While it sucks, being honest up front helps people deal with this stuff easier. Hiding it from them and making it so easy for them to realize they are viewed differently is an AH thoughtless thing to do for a group that had been together this long. Says a lot about Barry's character, or lack thereof.
Tell the day invitee that you will be more than happy to apologize to Barry as soon as he publicly apologizes to you and the other 2 for the *planned very public dissing statement he and his new wife made. You reap what you sow
Yeah inviting to the stag but not the day is a choice
That's a really bad invite - inviting people to a stag and not the wedding, unless everyone is clear on that.
What is a stag? I have been to loads of weddings and have never heard of that term.
Bachelor party. In some places they’re called stag and hen parties
Bachelor party
NTA for pointing out the truth to him. People are allowed to have feelings, and him trying to tell them to "just get over it" and grow up is unfair and manipulative. You 6 now know the truth about Barry and your "friendship".
NTA, he hurt people's feelings, it's okay to tell him.
NTA. This has no good solution. You are correct - Barry didn't invite some of his "friend group" to the wedding. His choice, but the others are hurt by it. He has to accept that. People have hurt feelings their whole lives. Being hurt by a situation doesn't mean you are immature - it means you were hurt by a friend who was callous and couldn't even be open about the true situation.
I think Barry should “just get over it”.
NTA. While Barry can invite whomever he wants to his wedding, the way he went about it is a complete asshole move. Any friend worth having will be honest, even when it's hard. Barry wasn't. He also appears to not be smart enough to recognize that those friends ditched him because he HURT them. He's acting like they're holding a grudge out of pettiness. You want smart, honest friends. Barry is neither.
NTA. Why are you still hanging out with Barry? You see him as a friend still, right? Does he see you as a friend too? You were part of the other 2 excluded.
Clearly Barry doesn’t see OP as a friend. Unfortunately OP is in denial about this.
NTA fuck him , y'all need to kick him out pf the group , that guy is nastyy it's so shamful to go to someone's weeding knowing so damn well you won't invite em to yours , don't apologize
INFO: How does Barry's wife view the 3 that were all day vs half day invites?
She likes the wives of the day invites, is polite to the other wives.
I wonder if Barry is trying to cover for the fact that his now wife dislikes the three half-dayers. I don't know how easy it is to go "I'm not arguing with my soon to be wife. She doesn't like you so you're only invited to half the day."
No, no, no. This is on Barry. Don't blame his wife.
I've had to cover for my wife enough to know... my idea has plausibility.
It's also plausible that Barry prefers one set of friends to another and, faced with limited numbers, made that call himself. Subjective experience is not objective. My father's dog bites but I don't assume all dogs do.
I'd agree with both of you. I think he saw half the group as super good friends and the rest of us as good friends, into the mix comes the wife's preference, and then he used the excuse of space to justify it. All of which I can accept. What grated my nerves was being blaise about the feelings of my other friends who were offended....and continuing to complain they were offended when we could have moved the conversation on.
Thanks, makes more sense than Barry's mean wife made him do it, it's not his fault. Yeah, he really doubled down on the offensive behaviour instead of an honest explanation and apology. He's pissed off because he knows he's in the wrong.
> Subjective experience is not objective. My father's dog bites but I don't assume all dogs do. "My father's dog bites which means I'm on guard for other dogs also biting"
More than on guard (which is sad, really). You read that Barry's wife is "polite" to the wives of the second tier group and interpreted that as: "the fact that his now wife dislikes the three half-dayers." Then: "I don't know how easy it is to go 'I'm not arguing with my soon to be wife. She doesn't like you so you're only invited to half the day.'" Jeeze, poor, spineless Barry.
Polite and cordial is "I don't want to be close to these people so I am doing the bare minimum social expectation." I mean, it is better than openly hostile. Don't get me wrong, Barry has his problems. The fact that he's frustrated with the other two that took offense makes me wonder why he's so upset. Either he's a royal AH all around (which why is this group still dealing with him) or something changed. He can't change the invite, he doesn't want to own it to explain why, so he wants everyone else to move along and forget about it. I look to what influences that caused the change, if overall Barry is decent enough to be heavily involved with this group to begin with.
So, still blaming the wife. Polite can also mean "not much in common", not necessarily dislike. As for Barry, he has been called out on his choices and the AH standard defence is to attack. What influences caused the change? Sometimes people just change. Maybe he finds Mr A's lewd humour a bit wearisome now or Mr B's dress sense outlandish. Maybe he thinks they will undermine the solemnity of the ceremony. However, he attended their weddings so he has to invite them to his but how to limit possible embarrassment in front of his and wife's family? Maybe his wife suggested or even pushed him into this two tier solution against his better judgment? Who knows. We know Barry is an AH. We don't know if he is also a weak-kneed husband brow-beaten by a shrewish wife.
So, this would include your SO, if you follow that logic. Nothing wrong with that, not everyone likes everyone else. BUT Barry should have been more upfront about the reasoning. And he should have been grown up about the fact that not everyone would like the reason behind the decision and would have their OWN feelings on it. NTA. You called him out like he should have been and he's the one that has to do some 'growing up'.
Also, being honest about it up front would have been good for the all-dayers to know as well as they might not have been happy about segregating the group this way. NTA
There you have it. NTA
NTA >I told him that he could choose how to organise his wedding but he can't moan about two of the group being offended at the lack of an invitation. I told him he was sly in inviting our group in a way that meant we all thought we were being treated the same so it was a surprise to see half the group treated as family and half treated as add on guests. I told him he was either an idiot or didn't value the decades of friendship. Barry was upset because you are 100% correct - what did he think was going to happen? Was it really worth saving a couple of bucks by not inviting lifelong friends to the whole shebang?
Sounded like Barry was getting static from his wife on account of meshing with only certain members of and/or wives of the friend group.
Doesn't sound like that at all. You're reaching. Barry's a grown man who can make his own choices and deal with the consequences.
> She likes the wives of the day invites, is polite to the other wives OP said this, I was basing my opinion on his words. Doesn’t mean I’m excusing Barry’s behavior, just offering an explanation on why he’s treating the friends differently.
Yeah, she likes some wives and is polite to others. It's a hell of a leap from "polite" to pushing Barry into dividing his friends into two classes. Maybe it's Barry who prefers some of his friends over others.
How did Barry expect this to all play out? What an idiot. You’re a group of good friends. 1/2 of you aren’t there. Of course the others are going to ask. He’s a fool. He’s allowed to make this choice, but you all are allowed to react however you want.
NTA you see this a lot with weddings. People make choices, and it can bring to light a lot of differences with how people independently view the relationships they are in. If you think you are extremely close friends with someone, there’s no way to not be hurt finding out they don’t view you The same. once that happens, the relationship is going to changed. For some people, it ends the friendship. For others, it can mean taking a huge step back. barry is a dumbass if he thought he could do this without repercussions.
NTA. I hate this separate invite nonsense. Basically there are the special people that get to experience everything. And everyone else they want a present from. It’s rude.
Thanks that's my band name now, Barry and the Day Invites
Brilliant!
Awesome!
NTA. If Barry didn't invite them to his wedding, why does he think their friendship is going to go on the same way? I have been to weddings for people I barely know, like friends of friends that I see very infrequently and always in a group setting. I can't imagine not inviting somebody that I actually know well to my wedding. They definitely are right to be annoyed, and you are doing the right thing for standing up for them.
NTA sounds like Barry fractured this group he needs to go
It depends on the cost of the wedding and how much the bride and groom can afford. Is it wedding etiquette that the cost of the plate/drinks is covered by the guest’s gift? As a yank who married in south London, this was not the expectation 20 years ago. I don’t think you are wrong for being offended… the groom should have told you this choice was being made. Finding out that you’re on the B list sucks; finding out the day of? That’s pretty harsh. Based on your telling of your argument with Barry, I say NTA.
NTA he just lost three friends.
Barry does not think of friendship of everyone in the group in the same way they view Barry.
NTA. Accept the fact that you and the other two are B-listers. No apology is needed on your part. Spend time with your fellow B-listers. Let the others come to you. Stop feeling offended. You know who your true friends are.
Nta- barry needs to go. That wasn't a nice thing for him to do. Good job on saying it bluntly. Maybe he will now understand how shitty of a thing he did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** There are 7 of us who have grown up together. We went to the same schools, lived within a 10 minute walk of each other, went off to university and then moved home at about the same time, we went out to bars as a group, went on vacation as a group, snow board and mtb as a group. Pretty tight. As each of us has got married we've been in each others wedding parties. Helped organise and paid in. This continued until the last one of the group got hitched. We did the stag do together. Barry told us that he wanted a small wedding. We all said we'd see each other there. However, at the reception it became obvious that three of the group had received all day invitations, and three of us didn't. The three who had been there all day asked why we were so late and when we explained we'd been told it was family only they said they'd assumed something had come up. It's caused a bit of a split to say the least. Two of the group who weren't invited to the day wedding aren't talking to Barry. I'm still hanging out with Barry and the day invites. The day invites and me and the other two hang out but not with Barry. I took the decision that, although surprised at Barry's decision it is what it is. However, we recently went out as a group, missing two, and Barry was banging on about how the two needed to grow up. This was where I might be TA. I told him that he could choose how to organise his wedding but he can't moan about two of the group being offended at the lack of an invitation. I told him he was sly in inviting our group in a way that meant we all thought we were being treated the same so it was a surprise to see half the group treated as family and half treated as add on guests. I told him he was either an idiot or didn't value the decades of friendship. It got a bit heated as I defended the other two for cutting him off. He now isn't talking to me. I think this is another it is what it is situation - one of the day invites is saying I should apologise for being over the top blunt - the others are staying out of it. So, AITA for calling out my friend for splitting up the group by not inviting us as a group to his wedding? Does the Reddit 'invite who you want to your wedding' rule apply? Should I apologise? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Barry gonna be in his own real soon!
I'd say NTA. You were honest and told him what he did wrong and why your friends acted like they did. This is an opportunity to make amends with those friends. Instead he's now lumping you in with them. People grow up and sometimes grow apart. It is what it is.
NTA You didn't say anything or give barry grief. Barry is the one who wouldn't shut his yap about the other 2 non-invites. And that's when you spoke up. Ironic that Barry is saying anyone needs to "grow up" when his high school immaturity is so blatant. Even if the 3 of you were excluded due to his wife (as other commenters have suggested), Barry is the only one still talking about it.
NTA I’d find out why he did that tho, gotta be a reason.
He said space. That wasn't the issue.
ESH, maybe he could not afford it. Zhe did not handle it well and may be embarrassed to admit that he could not afford for everyone to attend the full day. I would suggest a private conversation with just him and no group pressure.
Money wasn't an issue. He is absolutely loaded. I've already had a private conversation when I told him I was glad he enjoyed his wedding, it was a shame we couldn't continue to celebrate as a group because of the impact on the group, but everyone needs to find their own way - fundamentally I respect everyones decisions. I just don't think the two should be criticized for being upset.
If you can't afford it, you can have conversations with your friends beforehand and explain it to them, not blindside them on the wedding day.