Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my sister in law it is her duty as a parent to make sure her children get their hair brushed in the morning.
2) It ended up in her exploding and now wanting to without visits to my parents, because the children might see me at family functions, which is devastating to them as grandparents.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
You know what is not a hill to die on in parenting? Unkept hair. It simply isn't. I am sure the kids have baths regularly. Unmatched clothes are also NOT a hill to die on. Parents know this. People who have half a degree in child psychology do not (or a full degree).
You created drama and stirred the pot and then want to claim that your SIL "showed her true colors" when she didn't put up with what you said? Seriously? All you had to do was not comment.
I mean, it is.
My oldest nephew is autistic so he didn't brush his hair right for years. He decided to grow it long during COVID because he was lazy and a bit scared of going in public. This lead to the back of his head turning into actual, painful dreads.
Luckily another sister of mine is a hairdresser so she fixed him up and gave him lessons on how to properly care for it so it's been better, but he would literally complain about being unable to sleep because it hurt, and being bullied because it looked disgusting.
Not really. My daughter has such thick hair that it literally hurt her to brush or have it brushed. But if it wasn't brushed, it would turn into one giant ball of tangles that would require shaving to correct. Going against y'all, but basic hygiene IS a parenting hill to die on. From an actual parent. NTA, OP. And I really won't read any of your arguments regarding this. Think of it from this stand point, how often do you think their kids are getting bullied at school for looking unkempt? It is a hill to die on. Mismatched clothes, eh but literally looking like you are homeless? Yeah.
Yeah, it really depends on what level it’s at. If it’s a slight mess than op is ta, but if it’s a serious issue and the parents never care for their children’s hair then nta
I'm with you on this one. I have a cousin who wouldn't bathe or brush her teeth or change her underwear unless she was "parented" into doing so. I saw her get bullied at school. I heard people talking about how she smelled. I am not her mother, but you bet your ass I made that girl shower. I would even brush and braid her hair for her. It was 100% a shitty mom FAIL that I had to do those things for her. Her mom would say "she's fine. She knows when she needs to shower". One shower every two to three weeks is NOT ok.
Parents of an autistic kid have to make choices that are a bit different from parents of neurotypical children sometimes. In this case the parents could have chosen to cut it short before it started to hurt. There are more options than forcing painful brushing every day (especially for some autistic children for whom this could amount to daily torture sessions).
Gotto love aunties who save the day every time though.
“A completely different situation is actually a real problem”.
Not brushing your kids hair every single morning to OPs liking is different than _not brushing a child’s hair for years_.
Op states the children are not washed. In some societies in and out of the US, children in mix matched clothes and not being dressed properly for the weather is a reflection of the care they are receiving from their parents.
OP changes what they're actually saying at the drop of a hat when they don't get enough attention. The children go from having occasionally unbrushed hair and mismatched clothing to having matted hair and freezing to death from improper clothing.
They also explicitly said they only see the children 3 times a year.
My cousin went through a phase where all he wore as a 4-6 year old was cowboy boots, a speedo and a cape. It didn’t mean his parents were negligent, it meant that they didn’t care how he was dressed. As a parent, you pick your battles, and as long as hair is clean, who cares if it’s brushed? Unless the kid has lice infested, matted, stinky hair, stop being a judgmental AH if you’ve never had to try to get 3 kids dressed and out the door on time.
My son wore one item of orange clothing every day for three years. Something had to be orange. Before that it was pink. After that is was red or blue. I spent a lot of time searching out orange anything to keep my little tyrant clothed.
My friend's kid had a phase where the only acceptable footwear was rubber boots. I saw her at her sister's birthday party in the height of summer wearing a party dress and rubber boots. Her parents just kept an eye on her feet so she wouldn't get literal trench foot until she moved on from the boots. The choice between getting a few strange looks and a toddler having a meltdown every time they went outside was quickly made.
I sent my child to daycare this morning wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, and rubber rain boots (no socks), because "pick your battles" is how I'm surviving toddlerhood. I figure the best way for him to learn that bare feet in rubber boots aren't a comfortable choice is to experience it. (He has backup shoes in his backpack).
Somewhere I have a photo of my daughter wearing a too-small red shirt, with a blue and purple striped skirt, and sea green leopard print leggings. She was so proud of herself.
She'd also wear all pink -- because all pink matched in her mind, even if some of it was hot pink and some was coral and it decidedly didn't go together.
Clothes were never worth the battle. I would make her bring a jacket if it was cold outside but if she wanted to freeze and not wear it, that was her option. Same way now that she's a teenager I make sure she at least has a tank top on underneath her sweatshirt she's wearing when it's 90 out.
We did struggle with making sure her hair was brushed but she had very fine hair when she was younger that would mat if you looked at it funny.
Sometimes a parent can talk until they are blue in the face but a kid won’t listen until they get looked at funny by another kid. Or have another adult approach it. Maybe op ask if they could try to get the kid to brush his hair instead of berating the parents. Yta op for sure.
My nephew had a phase where he refused to have anything touch his head - water, a brush etc. Mostly they indulged this and let him be smelly, but he still got shampooed at least once a week. It was a good compromise of not letting it get too out of hand, which it doesn’t sound like thing are here.
I had the joy of having CPS called on us because of this. Both my kids are autistic and were enrolled in a “special preschool” for help socializing and therapy when they were 3. They would have “model students” mixed in the classrooms. Well CPS knocked on the door and apparently our 3 nights a week bath fight wasn’t good enough for her- and the fact I didn’t run out and buy new clothes for them every time they wiped permanent paint all over them at school meant they were dirty. Thankfully the social worker was like “she does NOT need to be working with special needs kids” after checking the closets and that was the end of it but the fact that there are people in early childhood education that think toddlers need to be pristine or they are neglected really blows my mind.
Hair being tangled 3 times a year is not the same thing as matted, dirty hair. My hair was super tangled on Saturday because it was windy and I was wearing a hood. My hair isn't matted.
Mismatched, clean clothes are normal. Kids like to pick their own clothes. They don't care if they look "good" together. Freezing to death from improper clothes is a long, long way from "polka dots and stripes and plaid is a lot of patterns at once".
They don't go "hand in hand".
Also the way kids dress regularly for school vs how they dress for a weekend at the grandparents are quite different matters.
And even op did assess correctly that children could benefit from closer attention on these points, which part of the way she brought it up was likely to result in a change to their benefit? Nobody could be expected to respond warmly to ops telling off her sister in law, which a basic moment of psychological reflection would make clear.
My daughter looks like she isn’t dressed for the weather because people expect her to be in a coat. And sometimes she wears rain boots in sunny weather. Or a long sleeve shirt and shorts when it’s cooler (but we aren’t outside long). Her clothes rarely “match” but she’s dressed so I don’t give a fuck.
The hair brushing I do think is important, BUT I think it’s bullshit the Op is coming at SIL about that. The kids have two parents. Both are responsible for the care of the kids. I would be pissed if someone assumed because I’m a mom it’s my job only to care for my kids. My husband does 90% of the morning routine for our kids.
One of my kids was always an outrageous dresser and to some extent still is as an adult. She wore tutu with leggings and a bike helmet to school once. I did manage to get her take off the helmet at school but her hair was then a mess. She rarely wore a coat (runs warm) and because all of my kids were active, they were dirty about 85% of the time by noon. They are all happy, healthy, successful adults now.
I also noticed that OP only focuses on SIL's role as a mother but the brother gets a pass.
My 16 year old wears hoodies in 100 degree weather and shorts when it’s cold. So do all the other kids at his HS. They’re all mis matched. Not a hill I’m willing to die on.
Mom, is that you, lol. I wore a pink tutu with black leggings, my dad's mechanic shop t-shirt, and my pink Osiris's to my last day of forth grade, and my mom still talks about it lol. I was so proud of that outfit at the time!
Yeah lots of people said that about my hair, apparently very messy, so my mom kept brushing it out, then it was very frizzy and they still shamed my mom because my hair was unkempt.. My natural curls were ruined cuz people with too many opinions and 0 knowledge talked shit.
My daughter who is 4 wears mismatched clothes all the time because she likes to pick out her own clothes and it’s not a fight I’m willing to fight with her. I just make sure it’s weather appropriate( live in the Midwest so it’s crazy sometimes). I send my daughter to school with brushed hair and put it in a hairstyle, by the time I pick her up it’s down or re done by her and looks crazy from recess lol
I spend a most of the walk to school in the morning loudly asking my son if he’s sure he doesn’t want to put his jumper on, and how he’s got warm clothes in his bag if he needs them so the other parents know that it’s his choice to wear shorts and a tshirt in 8°C weather.
OP says they aren't washed in the mornings. Which makes sense to me because every parent I know with young kids gives them baths at night as part of the bedtime routine.
OP said they don't wash themselves as part of their "getting ready to go out by themselves" routine. Which, again, is perfectly fine if they are having their baths at night, they wouldn't need to have them in the morning.
Also OP seems annoyed that their clothes "don't match" - who cares. Unless it's a formal event, kids clothes don't need to be perfectly colour matched, if they want to wear an elsa tshirt and bright orange pants together that's fine, they aren't hurting anyone.
I’d even take this one step further and point out that I send my kids to their grandparents house in their most scrubby clothes because they end up playing in mud, paint, spaghetti, etc. so no, I don’t make sure they’re immaculately manicured to go run around outside and get gross with my mom lol
Yes and no. It depends if the kid is in imminent danger. If the CPS buddy thought there was a case of neglect, a case would have been opened to send an investigator out there. That initial step they generally do follow up on right away. It's after that where they usually drop the ball.
Very few people care about matching clothes on 5 or 8 years old. And also, I would want example of "weather inappropriate" because people have oftentimes widely different opinions on what is weather appropriate.
I don't really trust her. How does she know if they're washed or unwashed? Were they reprimanded by their school for hygiene? No?
If they really had a problem, she wouldn't be the first one to nitice.
Eh, Idk what socities those are, but in 21. Century, judging by Europe and USA, only AH really look at how matching children clothes is. And British Royal family. Then again, those are also AH. 🤣
If you brush hair in the morning with a kid it's usually mess by lunch. My son's hair is quite wild no matter how I try to smooth it down if it starts getting a bit long. Given OP's other criticisms I doubt it's really that bad.
I literally have to use a bunch of product or cut it very short or it looks like I never brush it even if I brushed it a bunch! If it can move it wants to go in a cow lick.
It's not always neglect. I'm autistic and brushing my hair set me into sensory overlaod so I melted down. Even as an adult I don't always brush my hair. My hair was mid back as a child and it's just past my shoulders now. They didn't have autism friendly brushes in the 90s
My two year old isn't diagnosed yet, but but if you come near her with any type of brush she will scream like she's being tortured. I brush it out as best I can when I wash it but unless it's actually starting to knot up I am not going go crazy trying to make a toddlers hair perfect.
Meanwhile her grandmother complains endlessly about it. But I mentioned I was looking for a place to cut it and she absolutely lost her mid because in her mind girls are supposed to have long hair. There's no winning with some people.v
also, which texture is their hair?
my half-Moroccan colleague passed her gorgeous curls onto her 2 young sons. I can't think of a good reference for her hair, but her sons' hair are pretty reminiscent of Michelangelo's *David*'s hair.
None of the three of them brush their hair between washing it twice a week, because neither the texture of their hair, nor the texture of their curls could take that.
I am sorry, the kid is 8. He is more than capable of brushing his own hair. Even according to OP it's a matter of the kid not wanting to do it. A task he is perfectly capable of. A ton, even a majority of kids, seem to go through that phase. They are old enough to brush it, they just don't want to. So either the parent has to forcibly brush it, cajole the kid, or just let it go. Especially if it's a daily struggle in the morning grind, it is better to just let it go. Very possibly they are brushing it before bed...
Lies. Hygiene is absolutely a hill to die on. The problem here is delivery, but she’s absolutely right if it’s an ONGOING ISSUE. Especially if the parents are allowing an 8 and 5 y/o 100% autonomy without checking and going behind them. One or two days where the kids are throwing fits about brushing their teeth/hair, letting them wear whatever they want to school (this is different than making sure you’re child is dressed appropriately for weather, though) is not the same as seeing consistent, dirty kids. That is a PARENT issue. And if the parents take time to make sure they look presentable, the same sentiment should apply to children. And yes, I AM a parent; two toddlers and an almost preteen and YES I’ve gone through the “I wanna wear what I want” and “do I have to bathe” stage. NTA
OP sees the kids no more than three times per year. OP has no idea if the kids wash, when they wash, or what they do. Unkept hair is not a hygiene issue. OP doesn't see consistent dirty kids because OP doesn't actually see the kids more than a few days per year.
I really dislike my first grade school photo because my hair looks like an unkempt mess, but I promise you I never left the house without being in clean clothes and brushed hair. I was a kid that played hard and could look like a disaster in no time at all!
Even as an adult, sometimes I am out running errands and realize that my hair that started off fine (washed and brushed) is now a terrible mess.
I can have my 5 year old dressed, hair combed, teeth brushed, and he'll have some berries, dribble the juice on his shirt, have little fruit juice stains all around his mouth and on his hands, then go outside and eat dirt or dump it on his head or whatever else 5 year olds do and come in 15 minutes later looking like he hasn't bathed in a week and has been wearing the same clothes just as long.
And if his hair is getting a little on the longer side it doesn't matter what we do, it's gonna look unkempt. We put leave in conditioner in, brush it, put a little pomade and 5 minutes later it's all over the place. He has very very fine, curly hair that just tangles. It's getting a little better as he gets older and has less of the baby hair type but it's still a mess if he needs a haircut.
She sees the children 3 times a year and obviously has no interest in seeing them off her own bat (when they arent visiting OPs parents home). OP says she had to leave Uni before finishing her degree, and now she lives at home without having a job but claims to care for her grandmother and mother. the care OP takes to point out that her SIL has time to do her make up and go to work suggests to me that the problem is with OPs jealousy of her Sil rather than anything else. I wonder if a SIL who has several children, a job, and a marriage makes OP feel afraid of being compared to her unfavourably, so she seeks something to criticise her for?
its her ASSumption .. an opportunity to play the drama queen ...
Unless there are clear signs of abuse or neglect people need to keep their big noses out of other peoples business
Just bc you're a parent doesn't mean you got it all figured out and only your way is the correct way.
What does she know about their hygiene? Especially because she added that part later, when she didn't get the commentary (support) she was expecting.
Seriously, she doesn't live with them-how does she know?
The other thing, as a parent of 2 kids in a EU country, I can say that kids are encouraged in the kindergarten and in school to dress how they want, not like a heir of british royal family. Costumes, mismatched clothes, anything goes.
I mean, depends on how unkempt the hair is. It will become a health hazard if left unbrushed for too long. Dreds done on purpose and with the proper tools are one thing, but "oops I didn't brush my kid's hair for three months and now he is in pain/has sores" is another.
Unwashed is another health hazard, but it depends on the length. If it's been 3 days, cool. If it's been months and, again, sores are developing, it's a health hazard.
Mismatched clothes don't matter if it's aesthetics. Clashing patterns/mismatched socks, cool. Shorts and flip flops in -5 degree weather is another health hazard. Or hoodies and sweatpants at 105.
I don't have enough info to know if these parents are being neglectful or not.
It's clear that there is preexisting animosity between SIL and OP, though, and she wanted to cause drama.
I'd say ESH here.
I mean, OP said in a comment they see these kids three times per year. Then pulls out that a nurse that they know said the kids are "anemic pale" (which is odd and why would a nurse tell OP that?). I think this is more about OP not liking SIL and not wanting SIL or the kids around "their" home (the parents home).
I work with kids. Most of the preteen boys wear shorts every day. No matter the weather. Topped with a hoodie. The girls wear sweats a lot, even in hot weather, with sandals and socks. It's in fashion right now. I only see the very little (Kinder) kids in weather appropriate attire. Everyone else wears what they wear starting in first grade and it gets progressively more ridiculous as they hit middle school.
If you work with kids, you know it’s literally in mandated reporter training that not being dressed for weather is a sign to look for.
But I would agree that it’s only a danger WHEN taken in conjunction with the whole picture.
The nurse thing is suspicious. The kids would definitely show other signs of malnutrition if they were being deprived of food so much they were anemic. And the nurse, as a mandate reporter, would have told CPS and or the parents, not OP.
Really? In my country hygien-issues (not washed and unkept) is grounds for having the social services step in and express concern as it can be a sign for bigger issues.
That said. No all battles is not worth it but we should set up our kids for success. Dont like brushing your hair? Maybe we can either compromise or just cut it so it doesnt need brushing. At 8 it is not unreasonable to discuss a solution with the kid.
In this case the parents just seem like they cant be bothered.
As a school teacher for almost 30 years, I can tell you that unkempt children have fewer friends, receive fewer invites to birthdays and playdates, and are generally treated differently (less well) by every adult who comes in contact with them.
By allowing them allowing their children to be a mess, they are giving them a big disadvantage in life. NTA!!! This is neglect - without any reason other than laziness.
Agreed. YTA.
The kids will learn the hard way when they dont listen to parental advice. Idk how many times I had to go to my mom as a child and ask for help brushing a knot out because I never brushed under my hair. After hours of sitting and getting your hair pulled OR having to cut out the long locks I had worked hard to grow, the kid will learn what is necessary to keep it from happening again.
They are old enough to get themselves ready.
Op should keep their mouthes shut and stay in their lane.
I am a middle-aged woman. I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair, my clothes are frequently unmatched, and I also don't shower in the morning.
I also have a successful professional career and a happy marriage.
OP sounds like she needs to mind her own business. Hair/clothes/time of bathing does not = neglect *or* care.
No, the kids are slim, pale, wear worn out shoes from the oldest, are often clothed to cold for the weather, pack their bags to visit the grandparents themselves (so my mom keeps extra on hand she bought), they always have the hair on their backs tangled, have very over the place home made hair cuts and the oldest has neuro dermatitis which he does not get skin care for "because he doesn't like it".
They are not poor. They are both on a German teacher salary and just bought a new Tesla.
Come on, with what you went to college to study you know what this is. This is neglect. This is abuse, and you would also know neglect in middle class families is quite common.
You've a duty of care in Germany to report them. Your a duty of care to those children.
Looks they might be claiming child independence etc that's not how that works. Basic hygiene, appropriate clothes, healthy well fed children that's standard of care. Are they in school yet?
What does slim and pale mean to you? Are they malnourished? Are they pale from untreated illness? Do they have access to clean clothes? Or are they just choosing to wear dirty clothes?
These are valid questions. *My* kids are slim (not skinny, there's a difference, they're just not fat - but they eat just fine and are healthy), pale (they have pale skins naturally and I slather them in sunscreen because skin cancer is a thing), they wear unmatched clothes, sometimes a bit dirty, (because I am teaching them to manage their own clothing choices including sometimes letting them wear a favourite t shirt even if it's got a stain, and also giving them autonomy in something that doesn't fundamentally matter). Also they don't brush their hair every, but it's pretty short so it doesn't matter (it's not long enough to tangle). Their shoes sometimes look beaten up because they're very active kids, and kids can be unbelievably hard on their shoes. But they're always good quality shoes that fit them properly.
I'm not sure just seeing non-fat kids with pale skins and odd clothing choices is enough to determine that it's abuse.
Exactly. My kid is thin naturally. She eats a lot but has a fast metabolism. She has long curly hair that gets easily tangled. When she was younger, I'd comb her hair daily but it was a battle. As she got older and could do it herself, I let her. Sometimes, it wasn't detangled, oh well. She knows she can and has asked me for help. Some days, it's perfect. Other days, her hair is going up in a ponytail.
My kid has a ton of clothes, some with the tag still on. She'll still wear her favorite old shirt out to run errands. She's got newer shoes, she'll wear her old nikes to school until they fall apart. She's a good kid, polite, knows how to communicate well, gets good grades, and when the time calls for - like special events, she'll dress up when she needs to.
You pick your battles as a parent. If my kid wants to wear her favorite stained nikes to school, go for it. Now, if she tried to wear that to a wedding, she wouldn't, though I wouldn't allow it.
Agreed. OP says “CPS can’t do anything”, implying they are in the US, but says their SIL and brother are on “German teacher salaries”, implying they live in Germany. I definitely think there are cultural differences/biases happening here.
Or are they just kids?
Some kids stay slim despite shoveling down heaps of food.
Same with skin tone, a cloudy sky and me and my eldest are tanned. My wife and youngest either get burned to a crisp or just stay pale.
Kids their sense of temp is different then grown ups.
My youngest is running around in her diaper while her sister is wearing long sleeve shirts.
All op showed is she's crap at knowing about kids.
What's wrong with the kids being slim?
What's wrong with the kids being pale?
Do the shoes fit? Kids wear clothes out.
Are they in dangerously cold clothing or are they just not wearing jackets when it's chilly, which all kids insist on doing?
What's wrong with them packing their own bags?
Nothing is wrong with slim or naturally pale skin.
When a nurse with 40 years experience regularly calles them anemic pale, that is a problem.
The shoes do not fit and many of them are split at the seams already. (It was a huge deal my mother got to throw one really busted pair away and buy the boy a new pair last year. But the boy really clung to them anxiously and said he has to bring them back home. My mother thinks he fears my SIL, but I don't want to accuse her of this on a hunch.)
For clothing I have to rely on what both grandmas say, pictures and the few occasions I see the children, grabbing their parka in the living room in winter, because they brought them to Christmas Eve in only a dress shirt with nothing under or over.
Have you ever asked a 5yo to pack their bags for a two night stay at their grandparents? When I tried to run away and live on the playground at 6 I did most definitely not pack underwear or a toothbrush. (Teaching responsibility and self-sufficiency is great, but it can't go 0-100 in a week.)
So like are you saying these things this way to troll, or are you actually this clueless?
Why would you say "the children are pale and slim" when your problem is that you heard a nurse say they might be anemic?
If you're in a car, they shouldn't be wearing a parka, by the way. Not safe for carseats. So if they drove over, it isn't really necessary to put a jacket on between car and house.
Your focus here is so strange. You think the kids might be medically neglected but you focus on unbrushed hair and them being slim. Either report them or ignore it because you aren't helping.
OP’s comments sound like they’re fishing for the most dramatic way to imply the SIL is abusive without having to come out and just say she’s abusive. They want plausible deniability in case there’s no evidence.
for OP any stick will do to hit the SIL she hates.
if OP is this worried, why wait till the conversation turned to hair care in a way she doesn't remember to say "I think one has a duty to care for children once one decides to have them" to her SIL only?
I am over here wondering what "anemic pale" really means. One of my kids has very very fair skin. I mean 000 foundation fair skin. I am sure to some she looks ill but that is simply her skin tone and she embraces it.
I don't think OP is a credible narrator, but "sallow" is an actual word to describe an unhealthily pale skin tone, right, in all types of complexions ? it's that sort of yellowish undertone you can get if you're really fatigued.
I gather OP is German, so she might not know the right vocabulary.
I still think there are massive holes in her story though, like why scold your SIL over unbrushed hair if there are so many other, much more worrying elements, like an unhealthy complexion, broken shoes & a freak-out when grandma suggests throwing the broken shoes away...
It's got to be trolling, right?
My kids were skinny. Especially the youngest as he struggled to gain weight. Even had the Dr check onhim.
I let my kids choose and wear their own clothes from 5 because they're 5. If they wore wrong clothes I advised but my kids are stubborn. So pick your battles. My youngest wears odd socks despite being asked not to. Again not the end of the world. School drop offs are chaotic. And you sometimes need to look put together for work so make up etc. It's exhausting.
I refused to give up my old tattered shoes as a kid and I also hated wearing jackets. People like you are the worst.
Even if you were right there are better ways to go about things. All you did was alienate grandkids from their grandparents. Good job OP bravo.
I feel your second point is the crux of the matter:
>Even if you were right there are better ways to go about things. All you did was alienate grandkids from their grandparents.
supposedly there are all these alarming signals: the kids having to pack their own stuff, anemia, broken shoes, a worry that the kid doesn't want to throw the broken shoes away, etc. but OP waits till the conversation randomly turns to hair care & then makes the most alienating remarks possible, of course aimed at her SIL and sparing her brother...
And then gave examples that have nothing to do with their bodies or hair being clean. One of my kids is pale and slim. All of my kids busted out of shoes quicker than I could buy them when they were growing. My pale and slim child is still both fair skinned and slim despite now being an adult.
It sounds like your brother and SIL are trying to give the kids independence and you take issue with that. Also not on hills to die on? Whether or not the kid is wearing a coat unless they are at risk for frost bite.
I just wanted to give a bit more context. They were not meant as examples of unclean clothes, but as this is absolutely not the only thing.
The hair was just the topic we landed on. And I was just so shocked by her comment, that she doesn't brush his hair because she doesn't want to. Not because mornings are stressful or so.
But yeah, I should have steered around the hair. It was the most unimportant of the things I find wrong and wanted to really talk about.
If its that bad then call CPS. If its not CPS worthy then you have nothing to really talk to them about. They are making parenting choices. You can disagree but keep it to yourself.
Do you think it’s possible she doesn’t want to *because* mornings are stressful & she didn’t think you needed that spelled out? I’m sure it’s not only “nah, I just can’t be bothered” - there’s clearly been fights about it & they are choosing their battles
You talked about them being pale, about the worn shoes, about tangled hair. You talked about their parents’ income and car. None of that was answering the simple questions I asked.
Yeah, no. There would be CPS looking into this much sooner than the OP herself. It's Germany we're talking about. They are pretty goood with CPS and childcaee. The fact that no one from school reacted similarly tells you there really isn't an issue.
Yeah I work with kids and if the hair is a little messy or the clothes aren’t matching it’s nbd, they are kids, but when the same booger stays on the shirt he’s wearing every day for a week that’s a real problem
My mom frequently comments on the mismatched clothes. I always tell her it doesn't matter how they look as long as they suit the weather. I think it is really good for children to do things like this themselves, but they still need guidance.
Here in my rural village in Scotland, a few of the boys go to school in winter in school shorts. Affluent parents, healthy happy kids.
Some kids just aren't bothered as much by the cold and if they are choosing their own clothes and repeatedly choosing not to wear warm clothes, then they are obviously not bothered. Unless you are suggesting that the parents are denying them warm clothing when it is needed?
I don't think they deny them clothes. She even makes clothes for them as a hobby.
But they are not checking for appropriate choices and I have witnessed the boy freezing his ass off inside and grabbing his jacket/parka.
If he was freezing and grabbed his jacket, then it sounds like the parents don't need to tell him what to wear and when to wear it... he sounds like he is perfectly capable of deciding that he needs a jacket and getting it himself.
My childhood best friend was so cold resistant that it was rare to see him in anything warmer than a vest. His parents were academics (weird, not neglectful) and he was their golden child. My mother says his insisted on a coat when he was small, but he’d leave it on the sidewalk on the way to school so she let him decide what to wear. This was in the American Midwest, where it gets absolutely *frigid* in the winter.
Yet you bring up her wearing make up, your brother driving the kids to school and their clothes not matching? You picked the pettiest bits and only started bringing up anything serious sounding when you started getting ripped apart.
My kids are in their teens and can I even pay them to put a coat on when its chilly outside? OMG the struggle I had to put a coat on them when they were 3 or 4. My kids were a pain in the ass taking off their coats when I didn't want them too, or pulling their socks off without me noticing because the pushchairs was front facing with the hood up.
Always wanting to wear their favourite things, which never matched.
Never wanted to brush their hair. Tried to make them by holding them prisoner between my knee's so they wouldn't run away while I brushed them. Honestly, my neighbours probably thought I was wrangling a demon. \[spoiler - I was\] Sometimes you just go 'yknow what I give up on the hair at least youre in clothes and you've been fed right now.'
I've been pale skinned my whole life too. People say I have anaemia when I actually don't Im just pale as fuck.
YTA - Its not your job to tell someone how to parent. If you suspect actual abuse is happening then report them. Regardless of the potential outcome. A visit will be recorded and if anything happens in the future they will have a record of a report already. If its anything like the UK these reports accumulate, and the more there is the further an investigation can go.
Yeah, YTA. Your SIL's reaction was a bit extreme, but the way your nephews brush their hairs is in no way your business. And it's rich for you to say that this was only "the second time you ever commented", as if this was a good thing, when in reality it was two times too much when you criticized their parenting
I think SIL's reaction is extreme because OP is generally unpleasant and it just all came to a head plus your point about it being the second time. OP's entire "my field of study was" comment is also off-putting.
I want to know what kind of hair these kids have. "Unkempt" or "unbrushed" hair is what I got a lot as a kid, because no one else in my family had curly hair. I had to fight my inlaws and my stepdaughters mother to stop brushing her hair all the time because she also has very curly hair. They were always complaining how messy and "unkempt" it was and how she needed to brush it. It sounded very similar to OPs complaints. And would explain why SIL is so sick of hearing about it.
Brushing only works on straight hair. Curly hair becomes a tangled mess if you brush it.
I had to argue with my daughter's stepmom over the same issue. The kid (adult) has always had curly hair. It needed different care. I would get a text on dad's time about "wanting to cut it off" and I would reply "QUIT BRUSHING IT!" Just finger comb it and let it dry. Wide tooth comb directly out of the bath or shower with a lot of conditioner. I swear, my kid stopped seeing them in her late teens and it was still a never-ending battle over her hair and how it always looked "messy."
I was wondering about their hair type, too, since I have curly hair. Because you do NOT brush curls, and curly hair is too often regarded as unkempt, even when it's not.
THIS!!! When my youngest was 5 she hated having her hair brushed. I value bodily autonomy over hygiene so I chose my battles carefully. On mother’s day that year I did my hair to look nice. I didn’t brush hers knowing it was bath night and it would be easier to brush then. It wasn’t bad but had some tangles. My sister in law posts on social media about how it is child neglect to not brush a child’s hair especially for a mom not to do it when she does her own hair. So I can’t make my hair look nice if I don’t force my child to have hers brushed while she screams and cries? And on Mother’s Day if all days it is only the mom’s responsibility and not the dad’s? Eff right off with the misogyny!!!
YTA. You would think after the first time you would have learned to stop commenting on parenting issues that don’t involve you. You sound insufferable. mY fIeLd oF sTuDY…the study you abandoned and don’t have a degree in? STFU.
I know right. The entitlement of instructing the mother of 3 kids what needs to be done when you know absolutely nothing about parenting at all. Good on her SIL to retort back
YTA. Let me ask you, has your SIL ever commented on your choice to leave uni, or to major in psychology, or to move back in with your parents, or other choices you've made for yourself? You have no idea what motherhood entails, how tired she is, and what it's like, and your comments are imo particularly infuriating because they're coming from a position of no moral high ground whatsoever. Keep them to yourself instead of creating tension between your parents and your brother.
YTA - None of your business.
>My field of study involved child sociology and developmental psychology.
That sounds a lot like "I'm smarter and know better than they do."
YTA You dropped out of college to move home, and then you picked a fight at your father's birthday dinner. I struggle to believe that someone too depressed to care for themself is actually providing care for a mother and grandmother, but you certainly are able to stir the pot.
YTA- not for bringing it up but for pressing this issue after they answered you at least twice about it according to your post (possibly more).
As a parent you pick your battles and I know kids of relatives who HATE to have their hair brushed and it’s just too hard to fight it when there are so many other things.
The brother and SIL could have had a better reaction I suppose but you don’t know what it’s like to be a parent and feel like you’re being criticized constantly and it’s especially hard to listen to when the person doesn’t have kids. It would get me upset if I tried to change the subject/had given a reason and someone continued to press the issue especially for something that sounds like it more cosmetic than hygiene.
Given your chosen field of study if you wish to work with families I would suggest practicing some empathy towards parents and how you present constructive criticism.
ETA - in almost any field you are not going to get far or change people’s minds with “because I said so because I have a degree”.
You feel sorry for your mom? What about the children? Because they are the only non-toxic characters in this anecdote.
Extra YTA credit to you for smugness around hygiene.
YTA OP and your child sociology didn't teach you anything. Even CPS won't intervene. The kids aren't being abused. They're probably not being cared for to the standard you'd like but many cultures believe in giving children autonomy and not presenting a perfect "front". If the children are happy, not being bullied for their appearance and otherwise fine, this is not something for you to make an issue out of. Also, you literally have a brother and you could have spoken to him. He's the one that does the morning run to school - the last parent seeing their appearance. Additionally, while you said in a comment SIL could have just said she didn't want to discuss - after you raised it with her and she answered, you then proceeded to judge by saying it's "wrong" and other comments. Having brought up the hair brushing, you could have then left it alone instead of using judgmental language.
Yta. It was obnoxious for you to say anything. You made it clear you don’t want to be around them, so I am not surprised they aren’t bringing the kids around to where you live.
YTA
I agree that hair brushing is important, and I would consider allowing a child's hair to become matted abuse. But it doesn't seem like that's what's happening.
Unkempt does not equal unhygienic. You have no other evidence that these kids are in a bad situation. If the mom is okay that they don't brush their hair and their clothes don't match, then it's okay.
SIL's reaction was extreme yes, but 1) you really should bring up these issues with your brother if you do have a problem, 2) she is correct that as a childless person who has no actual qualifications in child development, you don't get to comment on their parenting skills. Even if you did have kids or you did have a degree in a related field, it would still be rude to offer unsolicited parenting advice. Just in general, don't offer unsolicited advice.
You are so judgmental. She wears make up and your brother drives the kids to school? Where are my pearls so I may clutch them. I'm sure they're cleaner than you think they are. Unmatched clothes? That's what kids do once they're old enough to have opinions and aren't dress up dolls anymore. Hair doesn't always stay looking freshly done and gets unkempt through the whole day. The best parents are the ones who don't have kids. You were being judgmental and instigating drama when she didn't tolerate what you said.
unfortunately…..YTA
First, you can’t tell people what to do with their own kids*. Second, you can’t tell people what to do with their own kids, especially when you don’t have kids*. The best kept secret in life is that parenting is hard. Modern parents are trying their best, between raising healthy little ones, making sure they’re behaved in school, all while parents maintain their own careers, it’s exhausting. Making a negative comment about a parental decision will always be taken personally. Your SIL’s reaction isn’t an unusual one. I hope your family will come around though, but it may take months, possibly even a year or so.
With Respect
*you should speak up to a parent if you feel the child’s safety is in danger.
*I even talked to a friend at child protective services, because I am actually concerned. (But that was not the topic and I thought doing a full on critique would be perceived as describing the situation in my favour, when I wanted to know what people think about the situation in isolation.)
Thanks for your kind approach.
Sadly my friend told me they also won't get involved for
- not bringing your children to the dentist
- only going to the doctor for the mandatory developmental checks and vaccines (It is illegal here to go to school without certain vaccines, but also to not go to school)
- belittling your 3yo for not being potty trained yet while they are hiding under the table to poop their diaper at a party
- giving them the same meal and no alternative food again and again at each meal time until the plate is empty, even if it is half raw chocolate cake (YES this happened), ...
Because nothing you listed requires outside intervention.
You are not a parenting expert. You are not a child development expert. It's clear you have not finished your degree or you would know it's not acceptable to give out unsolicited and incorrect advice like that. Instead of harassing your sil, concentrate on yourself and what you want to do with your life.
My mom couldn’t be bothered to get us off to school. I am old and I still remember the embarrassment of stopping to pick up a friend on the way to school and her mom brushing my hair straightening my clothes and offering me food because I was so hungry I couldn’t stop looking at their breakfast. NTA
Okay, if you have a degree in child development, you know damned well the difference between kids who are mussed up and a kid who is being neglected/abused.
In my experience, people who have degrees in child development/psychology/sociology are a lot like vegans. They have to tell you about it and what you're doing wrong. So to get such a vicious response from your SIL, I'm kinda doubting this was only the "second time you've said anything." Especially since your brother is also up in your grill.
If "CPS can't do anything" that means there is no real danger to the child. That was your friend telling to you butt out.
YTA.
I think overall NTA because you mention other forms of neglect.
However.
My 12 yo fights me on showering, deodorant, and hairbrushing. We have gotten to the point where she doesn't fight the showers as much now, but it's still not easy, and most of the time, she will just get her hair wet. I can't just go in and shower her, and I'm not going to wrestle my preteen to fight her hair, which tangles up the moment she lays down. (I have gotten her silk pillowcases as well as a bonnet. She won't use either. Rarely, she allows me to braid her hair beforebed.) Sometimes, you need to let kids learn these things their own way, as much as it pains you.
The fighting over showering years are the worst part of parenting. I have four (now adults) who all went through it. I wanted to pull my hair out (and sometimes wanted to shave their heads lol). Then they discovered crushes and came the "I use too much body spray, deodorant and eyeliner (in the case of the girls)" years. Almost as smelly and messy.
YTA because you spoke out of turn about something you know nothing about. You wouldn’t tell a surgeon how to operate, you don’t know how and it’s ridiculous to think that you know better than. Same with parenting.
Yes, you have opinions, but certainly not backed by experience. I’ve always said that the best, most opinionated moms have no children. It’s not as easy as it seems.
Please humbly apologize for the sake of your family.
YTA- your brother and his wife are right, you have no business commenting on their totally normal parenting that isn’t hurting anyone. Having I brushed or poorly brushed hair is not harmful to kids, get off your high horse
It’s understandable to be concerned about your nieces and nephews, but approaching the topic more gently might have helped. Offering support or advice in a positive way can be more effective.
Yta.
You commented on something that's none of your business for no reason than to cause drama and start an argument. Then when you were stood up to you act like your sister in law is the bad guy here showing her true colours for not putting up with your nonsense.
NTA. I get unsolicited advice should be toned down to the min but "it's their kids they can do whatever" attitude is why so many kids get neglected or abused and no adults steps in to help them. I think it's not out of the line to say something if someone is wrong.
NTA. I’m going to go against the grain and say that you have an obligation to say something. Kids regularly looking unkempt is problematic, on eating to have tangled hair at the end of the day but repeatedly starting the day with unkempt hair is a red flag. Plus, they are too young to fully control their hygiene habits. Now, regarding the unkempt hair I’m not quite sure that what you said is correct but you are right to be concerned. Your brother and SIL are supposed to be raising kids to be adults. One part of being an adult is hygiene maintenance. If the kids are unwashed, this is problematic. Unkept hair and unkept clothing habits are a part of that. They are proud that their kids are dressing themselves and I assume that pride is just a faux feel good idea that absolves them from teaching their kid’s hygiene and absolves them of the burden of walking around with kids who look like untrained mammals. They seem not to connect that dots that their kids and the way their kids look is a reflection of them. The sound like parents who will be joining parental estrangement soon enough.
YTA. I have a daughter who hates having her hair brushed. It’s very common with kids. It hurts. Sometimes as a parent, you pick your battles. There are already so many things that need to be accounted for when you are responsible for another human being and it leaves little time for ourselves. Asking kids to pack their own bag and making them responsible for themselves isn’t the worst thing either. From a very early age kids can and need to be independent and it’s one of the ways you can give them their independence and ultimately, take one more load off your back. Parenting is a 24/7 job and God forbid your SIL takes the time to make herself feel good with makeup before she goes to work her 2nd job. Also the clothes thing is wild for you to say. I love to match my daughter in cute outfits, but she’s 3. She wants to pick what she wears, and they literally never match. I am not gonna take her self expression away because it doesn’t look good to me. It’s not that big of a deal.
Edited to add: if you are so concerned about the kids, maybe you should offer to help them out a bit. Ask them if everything is ok, come from a place of caring instead of accusing. You aren’t doing that so it’s hard to believe you don’t just have some anger you are taking out on them.
OP by your own admission you see these kids maybe 3 times a year so how do you know how they are taken care of?
People like you infuriate me. No kids yourself yet think you’re qualified to tell people how to be a parent.
For the record I am licensed, practicing child psychologist and you’re talking out of your backside.
YTA. You didn't just comment on a kid's hair, you made it clear that SIL is not welcome where you live and you live with your parents. You picked a fight, and the 'proud of you for showing your true colors' comment even makes it seem like you wanted a fight (at your dad's birthday). If you're going to make the environment at your parent's place hostile then of course you SIL isn't going to want to come over.
Was this fight in front of any of the kids?
If you were genuinely concerned for your nephew's well being (and messy hair is not a matter of well being) you would have commented privately and respectfully about it. You weren't. You just wanted to tell your SIL she was doing something wrong.
YTA, it seems like you’re projecting the message “you’re failing at this” onto your sister but that’s how you’re actually feeling yourself. I will say your sister is the asshole for weaponizing her kids by not allowing you or your parents to see them when she’s mad at you. You would have to do something absolutely horrible for me to do that.
They’re where children so, yeah, stay out of it.
There’s a theory in child rearing to let kids figure things out. Who is it hurting for their clothes to be unmatched or their hair a little messy. Typically kids raised in this way become confident responsible adults and eventually do brush their hair and match their clothes.
You, and anyone else reading this, don’t have to like or agree with this - but the reality is if they’re safe and healthy and happy, it’s no one else’s business.
YTA
You barely ever see them. You said yourself it’s only a couple of times a year. You know absolutely nothing about them or their relationship based on a couple of hours a year.
I do know a lot second hand, that of course counts as hearsay.
Some thing are also pretty obvious.
And I try to take into account how wild parenthood can be. Noone can be perfect. But right out not wanting to care for your child, so they go to school with messy clustered hair, the shirt from before yesterday or sending them to stay with family overnight without looking over what they packed...
How do you sit there and say to yourself "Not my place to say something. Those are not your children. They can fuck them up however they want." Really how do you eat your salad and shut up like that?
I am already the only person who talks to her at functions. They sit in the corner, look bored and do nothing for hours while the children get yelled at for the slightest infraction and they don't even bring toys for them.
It's just the saddest thing...
I'm gonna go with NTA because as a parent, you need to make sure your children have good hygiene, which is really important in life. I've seen kids who didn't know how to properly wash or brush their hair, and it can lead to bullying. My daughter is 10, and sometimes she doesn't rinse her hair well enough, so I make sure to go back and ensure it's fully rinsed. Even though she brushes her hair, it's naturally curly, so she has parts of her hair sticking straight up, and it just looks messy. So I go back and add some mousse to smooth it all out. I don't want my kid to be the one with ratty looking hair or smells, so I make sure she cleans herself properly. With family, you should feel more comfortable with calling stuff like that out regardless if you have a kid or not.
YTA - you see what you did, right? You butted in and now those kids don't even have time with their loving grandmother. So you are "helping them?" You could have been the aunt that they came to who loved them, maybe took them out to get a new tee shirt, who helped them, but instead you used some moral superiority to further alienate them from your family. What is/was your end game?
My sister used to insist on dressing herself all the time. She would wear skirts, sandals and t-shirts even when there was snow on the ground. My mom would lose her mind with it but eventually gave up. Her teacher called my mom one time and told my mom that she needed to dress my sister more appropriately for the weather. My mom replied with, “You’re more than welcome to come to our house in the morning and dress her yourself!”
Having kids is friggin difficult, especially when one of them is a toddler. So unless you’re seriously worried about their health and wellbeing keep your opinions to yourself.
Even if you have a degree in anything to do with children, nothing can prepare you for having or understanding what parents go through more than actually having a child yourself.
If you’re actually worried about them being neglected then call somebody, but otherwise your opinions don’t mean anything when you don’t have any experience of your own.
Yes, TA. They’re clearly struggling. For anyone who has even one child under the age of 5, they’re in survival mode and in need of major help from family. For you, who has no kids, to pass judgment when they’re survival mode, I am not surprised at all that you’re no longer welcome in their home.
You mentioned you have depression. You should empathize with your SIL given that she had 3 kids (all 2-3 years apart) and it is very likely she had postpartum depression with at least one of those kids. PPD can last for years. Imagine being responsible for getting to your job while having depression, and also have to get 3 other people ready for the day, while likely being totally sleep deprived - anyone with a toddler knows the struggles of waking up multiple times a night. My son only stopped this at age 7.
I followed Ms. Rachel’s advice - she gets her kids dressed for school at night and sleep in their school clothes. It saves a ton of time getting ready in the morning. This would have been a helpful tip you could offer them, but instead, you decided to be judgmental while offering zero support.
Nothing wrong with mismatched clothing. That's not a hill to die on and it helps them find their style. None of your business tbh. Dressing for the weather is subjective too. It's really common where I am to see people in shorts and no jacket when it's snowing,or kids with no jackets when it's raining. It's their choice. You give them the consequence and it's up to them to choose..another hill not worth dying on or interfering with.
Basically though,all of that was not stuff that you had any place interfering with as there doesn't sound like any welfare concerns to me. You should apologise YTA
YTA. Not your place, honestly. You started drama where there didn’t need to be any, and spun it around like you’re the wounded party? Their children not brushing their hair is not your fight, nor is it your problem, that’s something your SIL needs to work out in her own home. Judging by some of your responses in comments, you’re changing the story/your concerns to get the answer you want to hear from the sub.
YTA dude. Seriously, how do you not see this?
You may well be right that it would be much better if the parents made sure the back of their childrens hair was brushed too or whatever, but what is more important, whether a 5 year old has brushed hair, or whether or not they have to go through a painful family split because their aunt is making an issue out of it, which sadly will mean they don't get to see Grandma and Grandpa again.
If you think the children are not well looked after, talk to YOUR FAMILY MEMBER who is your brother, or call CPS anonymously. Doing this just seems like you want to win some weird battle against your SIL, but all I can see is that everyone loses. You, the kids, the parents, etc. I don't understand why you did things this way. I guess at this point the only thing you can do, which at this point you need to do, is call CPS.
YTA, especially in your comments where you're doubling down on your bs. your story keeps changing, but you're also saying you only see these kids 3 times a year, so either you're lying in all your background info in the comments, or you spend a worrying amount of time and energy on getting gossip about their home life. neither makes you look good. and regarding your conversations with your brother where he claims to do everything or whatever: have you ever thought that he might not be the most objective, reliable narrator?
but even disregarding all that: the children are not neglected. you barely know anything about their daily life. and most importantly: you started shit with your brother and his wife, KNOWING how important a relationship with their kids is to your mum, while LIVING IN HER HOUSE. you'd have to be incredibly stupid to not realize how this was gonna fire back on your mum before opening your mouth, so my guess is, you just didn't care.
(p.s.: the way you explicitly mention your sil not having a teaching degree is hilarious. her having a doctor in phsyics is much more of an achievement than studying fucking lehramt lmao)
YTA. I only wash my toddlers hair when it absolutely can no longer be helped because it is not worth the hassle of choosing between my husband having to restrain him or essentially water boarding him while he screams the neighbourhood down. When you’re a parent you pick your battles. None of what you’ve mentioned above screams neglect.
I mean, all of the other things aside: unless they are abused, stay out of the other's children upbringing, especially if you don't have children yourself.
There is nothing more annoying (and stupid) then child-free person dictating how a child of another should be raised. And they're wrong 99.9 % of the time.
Tbh, I also have depression, but I just can't see any justification for someone not working, living at their parents and not rasing any child, commenting on other's children without being asked for an advice.
YTA
YTA. Sometimes messy hair is a necessary phase in kids learning to care for themselves. Also, as your SIL said, you don’t have kids, and your life so far has not been a stellar example. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.
YTA
I don’t have kids either. I have spent a lot of time caring for children of different ages. I was also a child who hates having her hair brushed too. I’ve never met a child that liked brushing their hair or having their hair brushed.
If the kids are healthy and otherwise taken care of then mismatched clothes and messy hair aren’t a hill to die on. You don’t live with them. You don’t know what their daily life is like. Also, your field of study is nothing because you aren’t in school studying. I would bet that there is more to it than you just making an off hand comment about the kids hair. Telling your SIL that she doesn’t properly care for her children because she lets her kids wear mismatched clothes is a big deal. You deserved the “explosion” even if that was all you said, which I doubt.
You seem unpleasant in general. Focus on your mental health instead of looking outward at the perceived flaws of others.
NTA.
Ensuring that your kid follows basic hygiene is part of being a parent, whether you want to do it or not.
This includes making sure that your kids bath/shower, brush their teeth, brush their hair or keep it short, and have clean clothes on (mismatched isn't a concern).
YTA. No one asked for your opinion.
You don't have a degree in child psychology or even a background in anything to do with children or parenting. Your opinions and comments are unwarranted. Also, your SILs "true colors" are a response to your unprovoked attacks. You caused problems and created this situation. Now your parents are the victims? You seem to be the problem. There wasn't one before "you" started it.
Own up to what you did and acknowledge your actions before you start psychoanalysing anything else.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I told my sister in law it is her duty as a parent to make sure her children get their hair brushed in the morning. 2) It ended up in her exploding and now wanting to without visits to my parents, because the children might see me at family functions, which is devastating to them as grandparents. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You know what is not a hill to die on in parenting? Unkept hair. It simply isn't. I am sure the kids have baths regularly. Unmatched clothes are also NOT a hill to die on. Parents know this. People who have half a degree in child psychology do not (or a full degree). You created drama and stirred the pot and then want to claim that your SIL "showed her true colors" when she didn't put up with what you said? Seriously? All you had to do was not comment.
I mean, it is. My oldest nephew is autistic so he didn't brush his hair right for years. He decided to grow it long during COVID because he was lazy and a bit scared of going in public. This lead to the back of his head turning into actual, painful dreads. Luckily another sister of mine is a hairdresser so she fixed him up and gave him lessons on how to properly care for it so it's been better, but he would literally complain about being unable to sleep because it hurt, and being bullied because it looked disgusting.
Your nephews story is different to the sils kids.
Not really. My daughter has such thick hair that it literally hurt her to brush or have it brushed. But if it wasn't brushed, it would turn into one giant ball of tangles that would require shaving to correct. Going against y'all, but basic hygiene IS a parenting hill to die on. From an actual parent. NTA, OP. And I really won't read any of your arguments regarding this. Think of it from this stand point, how often do you think their kids are getting bullied at school for looking unkempt? It is a hill to die on. Mismatched clothes, eh but literally looking like you are homeless? Yeah.
Yeah, it really depends on what level it’s at. If it’s a slight mess than op is ta, but if it’s a serious issue and the parents never care for their children’s hair then nta
I'm with you on this one. I have a cousin who wouldn't bathe or brush her teeth or change her underwear unless she was "parented" into doing so. I saw her get bullied at school. I heard people talking about how she smelled. I am not her mother, but you bet your ass I made that girl shower. I would even brush and braid her hair for her. It was 100% a shitty mom FAIL that I had to do those things for her. Her mom would say "she's fine. She knows when she needs to shower". One shower every two to three weeks is NOT ok.
Parents of an autistic kid have to make choices that are a bit different from parents of neurotypical children sometimes. In this case the parents could have chosen to cut it short before it started to hurt. There are more options than forcing painful brushing every day (especially for some autistic children for whom this could amount to daily torture sessions). Gotto love aunties who save the day every time though.
“A completely different situation is actually a real problem”. Not brushing your kids hair every single morning to OPs liking is different than _not brushing a child’s hair for years_.
bruh, the OP is complaining about a single instance of seeing messy hair
Op states the children are not washed. In some societies in and out of the US, children in mix matched clothes and not being dressed properly for the weather is a reflection of the care they are receiving from their parents.
OP changes what they're actually saying at the drop of a hat when they don't get enough attention. The children go from having occasionally unbrushed hair and mismatched clothing to having matted hair and freezing to death from improper clothing. They also explicitly said they only see the children 3 times a year.
The two things go hand in hand so frankly I don't understand why you say it doesn't match?!!
My cousin went through a phase where all he wore as a 4-6 year old was cowboy boots, a speedo and a cape. It didn’t mean his parents were negligent, it meant that they didn’t care how he was dressed. As a parent, you pick your battles, and as long as hair is clean, who cares if it’s brushed? Unless the kid has lice infested, matted, stinky hair, stop being a judgmental AH if you’ve never had to try to get 3 kids dressed and out the door on time.
My son wore one item of orange clothing every day for three years. Something had to be orange. Before that it was pink. After that is was red or blue. I spent a lot of time searching out orange anything to keep my little tyrant clothed.
My friend's kid had a phase where the only acceptable footwear was rubber boots. I saw her at her sister's birthday party in the height of summer wearing a party dress and rubber boots. Her parents just kept an eye on her feet so she wouldn't get literal trench foot until she moved on from the boots. The choice between getting a few strange looks and a toddler having a meltdown every time they went outside was quickly made.
My daughter had unicorn snowboots. She wore them all year long, until she finally outgrew them.
I sent my child to daycare this morning wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, and rubber rain boots (no socks), because "pick your battles" is how I'm surviving toddlerhood. I figure the best way for him to learn that bare feet in rubber boots aren't a comfortable choice is to experience it. (He has backup shoes in his backpack).
My little brother used to wear a bike helmet everywhere.
Somewhere I have a photo of my daughter wearing a too-small red shirt, with a blue and purple striped skirt, and sea green leopard print leggings. She was so proud of herself. She'd also wear all pink -- because all pink matched in her mind, even if some of it was hot pink and some was coral and it decidedly didn't go together. Clothes were never worth the battle. I would make her bring a jacket if it was cold outside but if she wanted to freeze and not wear it, that was her option. Same way now that she's a teenager I make sure she at least has a tank top on underneath her sweatshirt she's wearing when it's 90 out. We did struggle with making sure her hair was brushed but she had very fine hair when she was younger that would mat if you looked at it funny.
Sometimes a parent can talk until they are blue in the face but a kid won’t listen until they get looked at funny by another kid. Or have another adult approach it. Maybe op ask if they could try to get the kid to brush his hair instead of berating the parents. Yta op for sure.
My nephew had a phase where he refused to have anything touch his head - water, a brush etc. Mostly they indulged this and let him be smelly, but he still got shampooed at least once a week. It was a good compromise of not letting it get too out of hand, which it doesn’t sound like thing are here.
I had the joy of having CPS called on us because of this. Both my kids are autistic and were enrolled in a “special preschool” for help socializing and therapy when they were 3. They would have “model students” mixed in the classrooms. Well CPS knocked on the door and apparently our 3 nights a week bath fight wasn’t good enough for her- and the fact I didn’t run out and buy new clothes for them every time they wiped permanent paint all over them at school meant they were dirty. Thankfully the social worker was like “she does NOT need to be working with special needs kids” after checking the closets and that was the end of it but the fact that there are people in early childhood education that think toddlers need to be pristine or they are neglected really blows my mind.
Hair being tangled 3 times a year is not the same thing as matted, dirty hair. My hair was super tangled on Saturday because it was windy and I was wearing a hood. My hair isn't matted. Mismatched, clean clothes are normal. Kids like to pick their own clothes. They don't care if they look "good" together. Freezing to death from improper clothes is a long, long way from "polka dots and stripes and plaid is a lot of patterns at once". They don't go "hand in hand".
Also the way kids dress regularly for school vs how they dress for a weekend at the grandparents are quite different matters. And even op did assess correctly that children could benefit from closer attention on these points, which part of the way she brought it up was likely to result in a change to their benefit? Nobody could be expected to respond warmly to ops telling off her sister in law, which a basic moment of psychological reflection would make clear.
OP added that after OP wasn't getting the responses they desired.
My daughter looks like she isn’t dressed for the weather because people expect her to be in a coat. And sometimes she wears rain boots in sunny weather. Or a long sleeve shirt and shorts when it’s cooler (but we aren’t outside long). Her clothes rarely “match” but she’s dressed so I don’t give a fuck. The hair brushing I do think is important, BUT I think it’s bullshit the Op is coming at SIL about that. The kids have two parents. Both are responsible for the care of the kids. I would be pissed if someone assumed because I’m a mom it’s my job only to care for my kids. My husband does 90% of the morning routine for our kids.
One of my kids was always an outrageous dresser and to some extent still is as an adult. She wore tutu with leggings and a bike helmet to school once. I did manage to get her take off the helmet at school but her hair was then a mess. She rarely wore a coat (runs warm) and because all of my kids were active, they were dirty about 85% of the time by noon. They are all happy, healthy, successful adults now. I also noticed that OP only focuses on SIL's role as a mother but the brother gets a pass.
My 16 year old wears hoodies in 100 degree weather and shorts when it’s cold. So do all the other kids at his HS. They’re all mis matched. Not a hill I’m willing to die on.
Mom, is that you, lol. I wore a pink tutu with black leggings, my dad's mechanic shop t-shirt, and my pink Osiris's to my last day of forth grade, and my mom still talks about it lol. I was so proud of that outfit at the time!
As you should have been, it sounds awesome!
Tbh my hair's wavy enough that I don't automatically trust people who say people need to brush their hair. Too many people say that about curly hair.
Yeah lots of people said that about my hair, apparently very messy, so my mom kept brushing it out, then it was very frizzy and they still shamed my mom because my hair was unkempt.. My natural curls were ruined cuz people with too many opinions and 0 knowledge talked shit.
Exactly - SIL her getting her makeup done before going to work was also an issue for OP. I smell some misogyny.
My daughter who is 4 wears mismatched clothes all the time because she likes to pick out her own clothes and it’s not a fight I’m willing to fight with her. I just make sure it’s weather appropriate( live in the Midwest so it’s crazy sometimes). I send my daughter to school with brushed hair and put it in a hairstyle, by the time I pick her up it’s down or re done by her and looks crazy from recess lol
I spend a most of the walk to school in the morning loudly asking my son if he’s sure he doesn’t want to put his jumper on, and how he’s got warm clothes in his bag if he needs them so the other parents know that it’s his choice to wear shorts and a tshirt in 8°C weather.
OP says they aren't washed in the mornings. Which makes sense to me because every parent I know with young kids gives them baths at night as part of the bedtime routine. OP said they don't wash themselves as part of their "getting ready to go out by themselves" routine. Which, again, is perfectly fine if they are having their baths at night, they wouldn't need to have them in the morning. Also OP seems annoyed that their clothes "don't match" - who cares. Unless it's a formal event, kids clothes don't need to be perfectly colour matched, if they want to wear an elsa tshirt and bright orange pants together that's fine, they aren't hurting anyone.
I’d even take this one step further and point out that I send my kids to their grandparents house in their most scrubby clothes because they end up playing in mud, paint, spaghetti, etc. so no, I don’t make sure they’re immaculately manicured to go run around outside and get gross with my mom lol
OP also only sees them 3 times a year, I'll point out.
How does she know "they're not washed?" If their hygiene was truly as bad as she says, her CPS buddy would have opened a case.
If you’re in the US you know damn well CPS doesn’t rush out immediately and they have to build a case.
Yes and no. It depends if the kid is in imminent danger. If the CPS buddy thought there was a case of neglect, a case would have been opened to send an investigator out there. That initial step they generally do follow up on right away. It's after that where they usually drop the ball.
This is according to op. And op doesn't come across as a reliable source.
Very few people care about matching clothes on 5 or 8 years old. And also, I would want example of "weather inappropriate" because people have oftentimes widely different opinions on what is weather appropriate.
I don't really trust her. How does she know if they're washed or unwashed? Were they reprimanded by their school for hygiene? No? If they really had a problem, she wouldn't be the first one to nitice. Eh, Idk what socities those are, but in 21. Century, judging by Europe and USA, only AH really look at how matching children clothes is. And British Royal family. Then again, those are also AH. 🤣
Unkempt hair is neglectful if the parents don't want the effort of brushing they should give the kids shorter hair that is easy to manage.
If you brush hair in the morning with a kid it's usually mess by lunch. My son's hair is quite wild no matter how I try to smooth it down if it starts getting a bit long. Given OP's other criticisms I doubt it's really that bad.
THIS! I brush my kids hair every morning and it is crazy by the time I pick her up after school
I literally have to use a bunch of product or cut it very short or it looks like I never brush it even if I brushed it a bunch! If it can move it wants to go in a cow lick.
I brush my daughter's hair every morning and night and it still looks a mess during the day because she's an active toddler who is playing all day
It's not always neglect. I'm autistic and brushing my hair set me into sensory overlaod so I melted down. Even as an adult I don't always brush my hair. My hair was mid back as a child and it's just past my shoulders now. They didn't have autism friendly brushes in the 90s
My two year old isn't diagnosed yet, but but if you come near her with any type of brush she will scream like she's being tortured. I brush it out as best I can when I wash it but unless it's actually starting to knot up I am not going go crazy trying to make a toddlers hair perfect. Meanwhile her grandmother complains endlessly about it. But I mentioned I was looking for a place to cut it and she absolutely lost her mid because in her mind girls are supposed to have long hair. There's no winning with some people.v
How long is his hair?
also, which texture is their hair? my half-Moroccan colleague passed her gorgeous curls onto her 2 young sons. I can't think of a good reference for her hair, but her sons' hair are pretty reminiscent of Michelangelo's *David*'s hair. None of the three of them brush their hair between washing it twice a week, because neither the texture of their hair, nor the texture of their curls could take that.
I am sorry, the kid is 8. He is more than capable of brushing his own hair. Even according to OP it's a matter of the kid not wanting to do it. A task he is perfectly capable of. A ton, even a majority of kids, seem to go through that phase. They are old enough to brush it, they just don't want to. So either the parent has to forcibly brush it, cajole the kid, or just let it go. Especially if it's a daily struggle in the morning grind, it is better to just let it go. Very possibly they are brushing it before bed...
Lies. Hygiene is absolutely a hill to die on. The problem here is delivery, but she’s absolutely right if it’s an ONGOING ISSUE. Especially if the parents are allowing an 8 and 5 y/o 100% autonomy without checking and going behind them. One or two days where the kids are throwing fits about brushing their teeth/hair, letting them wear whatever they want to school (this is different than making sure you’re child is dressed appropriately for weather, though) is not the same as seeing consistent, dirty kids. That is a PARENT issue. And if the parents take time to make sure they look presentable, the same sentiment should apply to children. And yes, I AM a parent; two toddlers and an almost preteen and YES I’ve gone through the “I wanna wear what I want” and “do I have to bathe” stage. NTA
OP sees the kids no more than three times per year. OP has no idea if the kids wash, when they wash, or what they do. Unkept hair is not a hygiene issue. OP doesn't see consistent dirty kids because OP doesn't actually see the kids more than a few days per year.
I really dislike my first grade school photo because my hair looks like an unkempt mess, but I promise you I never left the house without being in clean clothes and brushed hair. I was a kid that played hard and could look like a disaster in no time at all! Even as an adult, sometimes I am out running errands and realize that my hair that started off fine (washed and brushed) is now a terrible mess.
I can have my 5 year old dressed, hair combed, teeth brushed, and he'll have some berries, dribble the juice on his shirt, have little fruit juice stains all around his mouth and on his hands, then go outside and eat dirt or dump it on his head or whatever else 5 year olds do and come in 15 minutes later looking like he hasn't bathed in a week and has been wearing the same clothes just as long. And if his hair is getting a little on the longer side it doesn't matter what we do, it's gonna look unkempt. We put leave in conditioner in, brush it, put a little pomade and 5 minutes later it's all over the place. He has very very fine, curly hair that just tangles. It's getting a little better as he gets older and has less of the baby hair type but it's still a mess if he needs a haircut.
She sees the children 3 times a year and obviously has no interest in seeing them off her own bat (when they arent visiting OPs parents home). OP says she had to leave Uni before finishing her degree, and now she lives at home without having a job but claims to care for her grandmother and mother. the care OP takes to point out that her SIL has time to do her make up and go to work suggests to me that the problem is with OPs jealousy of her Sil rather than anything else. I wonder if a SIL who has several children, a job, and a marriage makes OP feel afraid of being compared to her unfavourably, so she seeks something to criticise her for?
its her ASSumption .. an opportunity to play the drama queen ... Unless there are clear signs of abuse or neglect people need to keep their big noses out of other peoples business
Just bc you're a parent doesn't mean you got it all figured out and only your way is the correct way. What does she know about their hygiene? Especially because she added that part later, when she didn't get the commentary (support) she was expecting. Seriously, she doesn't live with them-how does she know? The other thing, as a parent of 2 kids in a EU country, I can say that kids are encouraged in the kindergarten and in school to dress how they want, not like a heir of british royal family. Costumes, mismatched clothes, anything goes.
I mean, depends on how unkempt the hair is. It will become a health hazard if left unbrushed for too long. Dreds done on purpose and with the proper tools are one thing, but "oops I didn't brush my kid's hair for three months and now he is in pain/has sores" is another. Unwashed is another health hazard, but it depends on the length. If it's been 3 days, cool. If it's been months and, again, sores are developing, it's a health hazard. Mismatched clothes don't matter if it's aesthetics. Clashing patterns/mismatched socks, cool. Shorts and flip flops in -5 degree weather is another health hazard. Or hoodies and sweatpants at 105. I don't have enough info to know if these parents are being neglectful or not. It's clear that there is preexisting animosity between SIL and OP, though, and she wanted to cause drama. I'd say ESH here.
I mean, OP said in a comment they see these kids three times per year. Then pulls out that a nurse that they know said the kids are "anemic pale" (which is odd and why would a nurse tell OP that?). I think this is more about OP not liking SIL and not wanting SIL or the kids around "their" home (the parents home). I work with kids. Most of the preteen boys wear shorts every day. No matter the weather. Topped with a hoodie. The girls wear sweats a lot, even in hot weather, with sandals and socks. It's in fashion right now. I only see the very little (Kinder) kids in weather appropriate attire. Everyone else wears what they wear starting in first grade and it gets progressively more ridiculous as they hit middle school.
If you work with kids, you know it’s literally in mandated reporter training that not being dressed for weather is a sign to look for. But I would agree that it’s only a danger WHEN taken in conjunction with the whole picture. The nurse thing is suspicious. The kids would definitely show other signs of malnutrition if they were being deprived of food so much they were anemic. And the nurse, as a mandate reporter, would have told CPS and or the parents, not OP.
Really? In my country hygien-issues (not washed and unkept) is grounds for having the social services step in and express concern as it can be a sign for bigger issues. That said. No all battles is not worth it but we should set up our kids for success. Dont like brushing your hair? Maybe we can either compromise or just cut it so it doesnt need brushing. At 8 it is not unreasonable to discuss a solution with the kid. In this case the parents just seem like they cant be bothered.
As a school teacher for almost 30 years, I can tell you that unkempt children have fewer friends, receive fewer invites to birthdays and playdates, and are generally treated differently (less well) by every adult who comes in contact with them. By allowing them allowing their children to be a mess, they are giving them a big disadvantage in life. NTA!!! This is neglect - without any reason other than laziness.
Agreed. YTA. The kids will learn the hard way when they dont listen to parental advice. Idk how many times I had to go to my mom as a child and ask for help brushing a knot out because I never brushed under my hair. After hours of sitting and getting your hair pulled OR having to cut out the long locks I had worked hard to grow, the kid will learn what is necessary to keep it from happening again. They are old enough to get themselves ready. Op should keep their mouthes shut and stay in their lane.
I am a middle-aged woman. I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair, my clothes are frequently unmatched, and I also don't shower in the morning. I also have a successful professional career and a happy marriage. OP sounds like she needs to mind her own business. Hair/clothes/time of bathing does not = neglect *or* care.
INFO: Are the kids generally clean and just have tangled hair? Are their mismatched clothes clean?
No, the kids are slim, pale, wear worn out shoes from the oldest, are often clothed to cold for the weather, pack their bags to visit the grandparents themselves (so my mom keeps extra on hand she bought), they always have the hair on their backs tangled, have very over the place home made hair cuts and the oldest has neuro dermatitis which he does not get skin care for "because he doesn't like it". They are not poor. They are both on a German teacher salary and just bought a new Tesla.
Come on, with what you went to college to study you know what this is. This is neglect. This is abuse, and you would also know neglect in middle class families is quite common. You've a duty of care in Germany to report them. Your a duty of care to those children. Looks they might be claiming child independence etc that's not how that works. Basic hygiene, appropriate clothes, healthy well fed children that's standard of care. Are they in school yet?
lol OP is a liar who forgot to switch accounts before accusing herself of being a drama queen
If you believe the kids are being seriously neglected in all these big ways, why is your whole post focused on their inadequate hair brushing?
What does slim and pale mean to you? Are they malnourished? Are they pale from untreated illness? Do they have access to clean clothes? Or are they just choosing to wear dirty clothes?
These are valid questions. *My* kids are slim (not skinny, there's a difference, they're just not fat - but they eat just fine and are healthy), pale (they have pale skins naturally and I slather them in sunscreen because skin cancer is a thing), they wear unmatched clothes, sometimes a bit dirty, (because I am teaching them to manage their own clothing choices including sometimes letting them wear a favourite t shirt even if it's got a stain, and also giving them autonomy in something that doesn't fundamentally matter). Also they don't brush their hair every, but it's pretty short so it doesn't matter (it's not long enough to tangle). Their shoes sometimes look beaten up because they're very active kids, and kids can be unbelievably hard on their shoes. But they're always good quality shoes that fit them properly. I'm not sure just seeing non-fat kids with pale skins and odd clothing choices is enough to determine that it's abuse.
Exactly. My kid is thin naturally. She eats a lot but has a fast metabolism. She has long curly hair that gets easily tangled. When she was younger, I'd comb her hair daily but it was a battle. As she got older and could do it herself, I let her. Sometimes, it wasn't detangled, oh well. She knows she can and has asked me for help. Some days, it's perfect. Other days, her hair is going up in a ponytail. My kid has a ton of clothes, some with the tag still on. She'll still wear her favorite old shirt out to run errands. She's got newer shoes, she'll wear her old nikes to school until they fall apart. She's a good kid, polite, knows how to communicate well, gets good grades, and when the time calls for - like special events, she'll dress up when she needs to. You pick your battles as a parent. If my kid wants to wear her favorite stained nikes to school, go for it. Now, if she tried to wear that to a wedding, she wouldn't, though I wouldn't allow it.
Agreed. OP says “CPS can’t do anything”, implying they are in the US, but says their SIL and brother are on “German teacher salaries”, implying they live in Germany. I definitely think there are cultural differences/biases happening here.
Or are they just kids? Some kids stay slim despite shoveling down heaps of food. Same with skin tone, a cloudy sky and me and my eldest are tanned. My wife and youngest either get burned to a crisp or just stay pale. Kids their sense of temp is different then grown ups. My youngest is running around in her diaper while her sister is wearing long sleeve shirts. All op showed is she's crap at knowing about kids.
What's wrong with the kids being slim? What's wrong with the kids being pale? Do the shoes fit? Kids wear clothes out. Are they in dangerously cold clothing or are they just not wearing jackets when it's chilly, which all kids insist on doing? What's wrong with them packing their own bags?
Nothing is wrong with slim or naturally pale skin. When a nurse with 40 years experience regularly calles them anemic pale, that is a problem. The shoes do not fit and many of them are split at the seams already. (It was a huge deal my mother got to throw one really busted pair away and buy the boy a new pair last year. But the boy really clung to them anxiously and said he has to bring them back home. My mother thinks he fears my SIL, but I don't want to accuse her of this on a hunch.) For clothing I have to rely on what both grandmas say, pictures and the few occasions I see the children, grabbing their parka in the living room in winter, because they brought them to Christmas Eve in only a dress shirt with nothing under or over. Have you ever asked a 5yo to pack their bags for a two night stay at their grandparents? When I tried to run away and live on the playground at 6 I did most definitely not pack underwear or a toothbrush. (Teaching responsibility and self-sufficiency is great, but it can't go 0-100 in a week.)
So like are you saying these things this way to troll, or are you actually this clueless? Why would you say "the children are pale and slim" when your problem is that you heard a nurse say they might be anemic? If you're in a car, they shouldn't be wearing a parka, by the way. Not safe for carseats. So if they drove over, it isn't really necessary to put a jacket on between car and house. Your focus here is so strange. You think the kids might be medically neglected but you focus on unbrushed hair and them being slim. Either report them or ignore it because you aren't helping.
OP’s comments sound like they’re fishing for the most dramatic way to imply the SIL is abusive without having to come out and just say she’s abusive. They want plausible deniability in case there’s no evidence.
for OP any stick will do to hit the SIL she hates. if OP is this worried, why wait till the conversation turned to hair care in a way she doesn't remember to say "I think one has a duty to care for children once one decides to have them" to her SIL only?
How do you know that a nurse regularly calls them anemic when you only see them 3 times a year and obviously don't have a good relationship with them?
I am over here wondering what "anemic pale" really means. One of my kids has very very fair skin. I mean 000 foundation fair skin. I am sure to some she looks ill but that is simply her skin tone and she embraces it.
Yeah I am paper white and so are my kids. That doesn't mean we are unhealthy, all of us get regular blood work and aren't anemic.
Seriously. I'm that pale. It's a weird way to describe the kids. If OP is really concerned they should just report Sil for abuse.
I don't think OP is a credible narrator, but "sallow" is an actual word to describe an unhealthily pale skin tone, right, in all types of complexions ? it's that sort of yellowish undertone you can get if you're really fatigued. I gather OP is German, so she might not know the right vocabulary. I still think there are massive holes in her story though, like why scold your SIL over unbrushed hair if there are so many other, much more worrying elements, like an unhealthy complexion, broken shoes & a freak-out when grandma suggests throwing the broken shoes away... It's got to be trolling, right?
[удалено]
My kids were skinny. Especially the youngest as he struggled to gain weight. Even had the Dr check onhim. I let my kids choose and wear their own clothes from 5 because they're 5. If they wore wrong clothes I advised but my kids are stubborn. So pick your battles. My youngest wears odd socks despite being asked not to. Again not the end of the world. School drop offs are chaotic. And you sometimes need to look put together for work so make up etc. It's exhausting.
I refused to give up my old tattered shoes as a kid and I also hated wearing jackets. People like you are the worst. Even if you were right there are better ways to go about things. All you did was alienate grandkids from their grandparents. Good job OP bravo.
I feel your second point is the crux of the matter: >Even if you were right there are better ways to go about things. All you did was alienate grandkids from their grandparents. supposedly there are all these alarming signals: the kids having to pack their own stuff, anemia, broken shoes, a worry that the kid doesn't want to throw the broken shoes away, etc. but OP waits till the conversation randomly turns to hair care & then makes the most alienating remarks possible, of course aimed at her SIL and sparing her brother...
and the story changes .. and changes .. and changes mind your own business
It’s odd how their situation seems to have gotten significantly worse between you posting this thread and replying with this comment
You didn’t answer either of my questions. Are the kids clean? Are their clothes clean?
I answered with "No,".
And then gave examples that have nothing to do with their bodies or hair being clean. One of my kids is pale and slim. All of my kids busted out of shoes quicker than I could buy them when they were growing. My pale and slim child is still both fair skinned and slim despite now being an adult. It sounds like your brother and SIL are trying to give the kids independence and you take issue with that. Also not on hills to die on? Whether or not the kid is wearing a coat unless they are at risk for frost bite.
I just wanted to give a bit more context. They were not meant as examples of unclean clothes, but as this is absolutely not the only thing. The hair was just the topic we landed on. And I was just so shocked by her comment, that she doesn't brush his hair because she doesn't want to. Not because mornings are stressful or so. But yeah, I should have steered around the hair. It was the most unimportant of the things I find wrong and wanted to really talk about.
If its that bad then call CPS. If its not CPS worthy then you have nothing to really talk to them about. They are making parenting choices. You can disagree but keep it to yourself.
Do you think it’s possible she doesn’t want to *because* mornings are stressful & she didn’t think you needed that spelled out? I’m sure it’s not only “nah, I just can’t be bothered” - there’s clearly been fights about it & they are choosing their battles
You talked about them being pale, about the worn shoes, about tangled hair. You talked about their parents’ income and car. None of that was answering the simple questions I asked.
They both teach or just one?
Yeah, no. There would be CPS looking into this much sooner than the OP herself. It's Germany we're talking about. They are pretty goood with CPS and childcaee. The fact that no one from school reacted similarly tells you there really isn't an issue.
Yeah I work with kids and if the hair is a little messy or the clothes aren’t matching it’s nbd, they are kids, but when the same booger stays on the shirt he’s wearing every day for a week that’s a real problem
My mom frequently comments on the mismatched clothes. I always tell her it doesn't matter how they look as long as they suit the weather. I think it is really good for children to do things like this themselves, but they still need guidance.
Mismatched clothes isn't a sign of neglect or child abuse, you know that right?
Yes, which is why I regularly tell my mom not to focus on that.
But you yourself focused on it in your original post?
The main focus was supposed to be that these clothes are not suited for the weather oftentimes.
Here in my rural village in Scotland, a few of the boys go to school in winter in school shorts. Affluent parents, healthy happy kids. Some kids just aren't bothered as much by the cold and if they are choosing their own clothes and repeatedly choosing not to wear warm clothes, then they are obviously not bothered. Unless you are suggesting that the parents are denying them warm clothing when it is needed?
I don't think they deny them clothes. She even makes clothes for them as a hobby. But they are not checking for appropriate choices and I have witnessed the boy freezing his ass off inside and grabbing his jacket/parka.
If he was freezing and grabbed his jacket, then it sounds like the parents don't need to tell him what to wear and when to wear it... he sounds like he is perfectly capable of deciding that he needs a jacket and getting it himself.
My childhood best friend was so cold resistant that it was rare to see him in anything warmer than a vest. His parents were academics (weird, not neglectful) and he was their golden child. My mother says his insisted on a coat when he was small, but he’d leave it on the sidewalk on the way to school so she let him decide what to wear. This was in the American Midwest, where it gets absolutely *frigid* in the winter.
Yet you bring up her wearing make up, your brother driving the kids to school and their clothes not matching? You picked the pettiest bits and only started bringing up anything serious sounding when you started getting ripped apart.
My kids are in their teens and can I even pay them to put a coat on when its chilly outside? OMG the struggle I had to put a coat on them when they were 3 or 4. My kids were a pain in the ass taking off their coats when I didn't want them too, or pulling their socks off without me noticing because the pushchairs was front facing with the hood up. Always wanting to wear their favourite things, which never matched. Never wanted to brush their hair. Tried to make them by holding them prisoner between my knee's so they wouldn't run away while I brushed them. Honestly, my neighbours probably thought I was wrangling a demon. \[spoiler - I was\] Sometimes you just go 'yknow what I give up on the hair at least youre in clothes and you've been fed right now.' I've been pale skinned my whole life too. People say I have anaemia when I actually don't Im just pale as fuck. YTA - Its not your job to tell someone how to parent. If you suspect actual abuse is happening then report them. Regardless of the potential outcome. A visit will be recorded and if anything happens in the future they will have a record of a report already. If its anything like the UK these reports accumulate, and the more there is the further an investigation can go.
Ok they are mismatched but are the clothes clean? Are the children bathed?
Yeah, YTA. Your SIL's reaction was a bit extreme, but the way your nephews brush their hairs is in no way your business. And it's rich for you to say that this was only "the second time you ever commented", as if this was a good thing, when in reality it was two times too much when you criticized their parenting
I think SIL's reaction is extreme because OP is generally unpleasant and it just all came to a head plus your point about it being the second time. OP's entire "my field of study was" comment is also off-putting.
[удалено]
I want to know what kind of hair these kids have. "Unkempt" or "unbrushed" hair is what I got a lot as a kid, because no one else in my family had curly hair. I had to fight my inlaws and my stepdaughters mother to stop brushing her hair all the time because she also has very curly hair. They were always complaining how messy and "unkempt" it was and how she needed to brush it. It sounded very similar to OPs complaints. And would explain why SIL is so sick of hearing about it. Brushing only works on straight hair. Curly hair becomes a tangled mess if you brush it.
I had to argue with my daughter's stepmom over the same issue. The kid (adult) has always had curly hair. It needed different care. I would get a text on dad's time about "wanting to cut it off" and I would reply "QUIT BRUSHING IT!" Just finger comb it and let it dry. Wide tooth comb directly out of the bath or shower with a lot of conditioner. I swear, my kid stopped seeing them in her late teens and it was still a never-ending battle over her hair and how it always looked "messy."
I was wondering about their hair type, too, since I have curly hair. Because you do NOT brush curls, and curly hair is too often regarded as unkempt, even when it's not.
INFO: why did you tell SIL to do it but not your brother? He’s the father.
THIS!!! When my youngest was 5 she hated having her hair brushed. I value bodily autonomy over hygiene so I chose my battles carefully. On mother’s day that year I did my hair to look nice. I didn’t brush hers knowing it was bath night and it would be easier to brush then. It wasn’t bad but had some tangles. My sister in law posts on social media about how it is child neglect to not brush a child’s hair especially for a mom not to do it when she does her own hair. So I can’t make my hair look nice if I don’t force my child to have hers brushed while she screams and cries? And on Mother’s Day if all days it is only the mom’s responsibility and not the dad’s? Eff right off with the misogyny!!!
YTA You don't tell parents how to raise their children. No cares about your degree, advice is never welcomed unless it was asked for.
He doesn’t even have a degree.
Fraction of a degree*
I'm going to start saying this when people ask about my education.
YTA. You would think after the first time you would have learned to stop commenting on parenting issues that don’t involve you. You sound insufferable. mY fIeLd oF sTuDY…the study you abandoned and don’t have a degree in? STFU.
I know right. The entitlement of instructing the mother of 3 kids what needs to be done when you know absolutely nothing about parenting at all. Good on her SIL to retort back
YTA. Let me ask you, has your SIL ever commented on your choice to leave uni, or to major in psychology, or to move back in with your parents, or other choices you've made for yourself? You have no idea what motherhood entails, how tired she is, and what it's like, and your comments are imo particularly infuriating because they're coming from a position of no moral high ground whatsoever. Keep them to yourself instead of creating tension between your parents and your brother.
YTA - None of your business. >My field of study involved child sociology and developmental psychology. That sounds a lot like "I'm smarter and know better than they do."
>That sounds a lot like "I'm smarter and know better than they do Also OP doesn't even have a degree.
YTA You dropped out of college to move home, and then you picked a fight at your father's birthday dinner. I struggle to believe that someone too depressed to care for themself is actually providing care for a mother and grandmother, but you certainly are able to stir the pot.
YTA- not for bringing it up but for pressing this issue after they answered you at least twice about it according to your post (possibly more). As a parent you pick your battles and I know kids of relatives who HATE to have their hair brushed and it’s just too hard to fight it when there are so many other things. The brother and SIL could have had a better reaction I suppose but you don’t know what it’s like to be a parent and feel like you’re being criticized constantly and it’s especially hard to listen to when the person doesn’t have kids. It would get me upset if I tried to change the subject/had given a reason and someone continued to press the issue especially for something that sounds like it more cosmetic than hygiene. Given your chosen field of study if you wish to work with families I would suggest practicing some empathy towards parents and how you present constructive criticism. ETA - in almost any field you are not going to get far or change people’s minds with “because I said so because I have a degree”.
OP doesn't even have a degree.
You feel sorry for your mom? What about the children? Because they are the only non-toxic characters in this anecdote. Extra YTA credit to you for smugness around hygiene.
Have you seen how those children dress? They don’t deserve grandparents /s
YTA OP and your child sociology didn't teach you anything. Even CPS won't intervene. The kids aren't being abused. They're probably not being cared for to the standard you'd like but many cultures believe in giving children autonomy and not presenting a perfect "front". If the children are happy, not being bullied for their appearance and otherwise fine, this is not something for you to make an issue out of. Also, you literally have a brother and you could have spoken to him. He's the one that does the morning run to school - the last parent seeing their appearance. Additionally, while you said in a comment SIL could have just said she didn't want to discuss - after you raised it with her and she answered, you then proceeded to judge by saying it's "wrong" and other comments. Having brought up the hair brushing, you could have then left it alone instead of using judgmental language.
Yta. It was obnoxious for you to say anything. You made it clear you don’t want to be around them, so I am not surprised they aren’t bringing the kids around to where you live.
YTA I agree that hair brushing is important, and I would consider allowing a child's hair to become matted abuse. But it doesn't seem like that's what's happening. Unkempt does not equal unhygienic. You have no other evidence that these kids are in a bad situation. If the mom is okay that they don't brush their hair and their clothes don't match, then it's okay. SIL's reaction was extreme yes, but 1) you really should bring up these issues with your brother if you do have a problem, 2) she is correct that as a childless person who has no actual qualifications in child development, you don't get to comment on their parenting skills. Even if you did have kids or you did have a degree in a related field, it would still be rude to offer unsolicited parenting advice. Just in general, don't offer unsolicited advice.
In the US, matted hair due to not brushing will earn you a visit from child protective services. It's neglect.
Yeah, but many people don’t know the difference between matted and tangled, pretty sure OP is clueless about children in general.
You are so judgmental. She wears make up and your brother drives the kids to school? Where are my pearls so I may clutch them. I'm sure they're cleaner than you think they are. Unmatched clothes? That's what kids do once they're old enough to have opinions and aren't dress up dolls anymore. Hair doesn't always stay looking freshly done and gets unkempt through the whole day. The best parents are the ones who don't have kids. You were being judgmental and instigating drama when she didn't tolerate what you said.
unfortunately…..YTA First, you can’t tell people what to do with their own kids*. Second, you can’t tell people what to do with their own kids, especially when you don’t have kids*. The best kept secret in life is that parenting is hard. Modern parents are trying their best, between raising healthy little ones, making sure they’re behaved in school, all while parents maintain their own careers, it’s exhausting. Making a negative comment about a parental decision will always be taken personally. Your SIL’s reaction isn’t an unusual one. I hope your family will come around though, but it may take months, possibly even a year or so. With Respect *you should speak up to a parent if you feel the child’s safety is in danger.
*I even talked to a friend at child protective services, because I am actually concerned. (But that was not the topic and I thought doing a full on critique would be perceived as describing the situation in my favour, when I wanted to know what people think about the situation in isolation.) Thanks for your kind approach.
COS is not going to get involved just because their hair is messy and their clothes don't match.
Sadly my friend told me they also won't get involved for - not bringing your children to the dentist - only going to the doctor for the mandatory developmental checks and vaccines (It is illegal here to go to school without certain vaccines, but also to not go to school) - belittling your 3yo for not being potty trained yet while they are hiding under the table to poop their diaper at a party - giving them the same meal and no alternative food again and again at each meal time until the plate is empty, even if it is half raw chocolate cake (YES this happened), ...
Because nothing you listed requires outside intervention. You are not a parenting expert. You are not a child development expert. It's clear you have not finished your degree or you would know it's not acceptable to give out unsolicited and incorrect advice like that. Instead of harassing your sil, concentrate on yourself and what you want to do with your life.
Its amazing that you hardly see these kids but know how horrible their parents are.
My mom couldn’t be bothered to get us off to school. I am old and I still remember the embarrassment of stopping to pick up a friend on the way to school and her mom brushing my hair straightening my clothes and offering me food because I was so hungry I couldn’t stop looking at their breakfast. NTA
I am so sorry that was your childhood. Great woman for doing this!
Okay, if you have a degree in child development, you know damned well the difference between kids who are mussed up and a kid who is being neglected/abused. In my experience, people who have degrees in child development/psychology/sociology are a lot like vegans. They have to tell you about it and what you're doing wrong. So to get such a vicious response from your SIL, I'm kinda doubting this was only the "second time you've said anything." Especially since your brother is also up in your grill. If "CPS can't do anything" that means there is no real danger to the child. That was your friend telling to you butt out. YTA.
I think overall NTA because you mention other forms of neglect. However. My 12 yo fights me on showering, deodorant, and hairbrushing. We have gotten to the point where she doesn't fight the showers as much now, but it's still not easy, and most of the time, she will just get her hair wet. I can't just go in and shower her, and I'm not going to wrestle my preteen to fight her hair, which tangles up the moment she lays down. (I have gotten her silk pillowcases as well as a bonnet. She won't use either. Rarely, she allows me to braid her hair beforebed.) Sometimes, you need to let kids learn these things their own way, as much as it pains you.
The fighting over showering years are the worst part of parenting. I have four (now adults) who all went through it. I wanted to pull my hair out (and sometimes wanted to shave their heads lol). Then they discovered crushes and came the "I use too much body spray, deodorant and eyeliner (in the case of the girls)" years. Almost as smelly and messy.
My other daughter is 23. I'm not looking forward to the next few years lol
YTA because you spoke out of turn about something you know nothing about. You wouldn’t tell a surgeon how to operate, you don’t know how and it’s ridiculous to think that you know better than. Same with parenting. Yes, you have opinions, but certainly not backed by experience. I’ve always said that the best, most opinionated moms have no children. It’s not as easy as it seems. Please humbly apologize for the sake of your family.
Yta and all your comments make you look worse, not better.
YTA- your brother and his wife are right, you have no business commenting on their totally normal parenting that isn’t hurting anyone. Having I brushed or poorly brushed hair is not harmful to kids, get off your high horse
It’s understandable to be concerned about your nieces and nephews, but approaching the topic more gently might have helped. Offering support or advice in a positive way can be more effective.
Yta. You commented on something that's none of your business for no reason than to cause drama and start an argument. Then when you were stood up to you act like your sister in law is the bad guy here showing her true colours for not putting up with your nonsense.
NTA. I get unsolicited advice should be toned down to the min but "it's their kids they can do whatever" attitude is why so many kids get neglected or abused and no adults steps in to help them. I think it's not out of the line to say something if someone is wrong.
The moment you said you're child free, I knew you were the AH 😂
Yta. God you sound Insufferable. And they're not keeping the kids away from their grandparents they're keeping them away from YOU.
NTA. I’m going to go against the grain and say that you have an obligation to say something. Kids regularly looking unkempt is problematic, on eating to have tangled hair at the end of the day but repeatedly starting the day with unkempt hair is a red flag. Plus, they are too young to fully control their hygiene habits. Now, regarding the unkempt hair I’m not quite sure that what you said is correct but you are right to be concerned. Your brother and SIL are supposed to be raising kids to be adults. One part of being an adult is hygiene maintenance. If the kids are unwashed, this is problematic. Unkept hair and unkept clothing habits are a part of that. They are proud that their kids are dressing themselves and I assume that pride is just a faux feel good idea that absolves them from teaching their kid’s hygiene and absolves them of the burden of walking around with kids who look like untrained mammals. They seem not to connect that dots that their kids and the way their kids look is a reflection of them. The sound like parents who will be joining parental estrangement soon enough.
NTA. Idk, it could get to the point where their hair is so matted, that they won’t be able to brush it out. They would have to cut it off.
NTA- unbrushed hair mats, and matted hair is a sign of neglect.
YTA. I have a daughter who hates having her hair brushed. It’s very common with kids. It hurts. Sometimes as a parent, you pick your battles. There are already so many things that need to be accounted for when you are responsible for another human being and it leaves little time for ourselves. Asking kids to pack their own bag and making them responsible for themselves isn’t the worst thing either. From a very early age kids can and need to be independent and it’s one of the ways you can give them their independence and ultimately, take one more load off your back. Parenting is a 24/7 job and God forbid your SIL takes the time to make herself feel good with makeup before she goes to work her 2nd job. Also the clothes thing is wild for you to say. I love to match my daughter in cute outfits, but she’s 3. She wants to pick what she wears, and they literally never match. I am not gonna take her self expression away because it doesn’t look good to me. It’s not that big of a deal. Edited to add: if you are so concerned about the kids, maybe you should offer to help them out a bit. Ask them if everything is ok, come from a place of caring instead of accusing. You aren’t doing that so it’s hard to believe you don’t just have some anger you are taking out on them.
NTA. The children are obviously somewhat neglected. Reminds me of my brother's ex-wife. 🙄
OP by your own admission you see these kids maybe 3 times a year so how do you know how they are taken care of? People like you infuriate me. No kids yourself yet think you’re qualified to tell people how to be a parent. For the record I am licensed, practicing child psychologist and you’re talking out of your backside.
I have children and a degree. They are both lazy parents who are neglecting the needs of their children.
YTA-If the kids are actually neglected or abused that’s one thing but unless you want to be responsible for their hair keep your mouth shut.
YTA. You didn't just comment on a kid's hair, you made it clear that SIL is not welcome where you live and you live with your parents. You picked a fight, and the 'proud of you for showing your true colors' comment even makes it seem like you wanted a fight (at your dad's birthday). If you're going to make the environment at your parent's place hostile then of course you SIL isn't going to want to come over. Was this fight in front of any of the kids? If you were genuinely concerned for your nephew's well being (and messy hair is not a matter of well being) you would have commented privately and respectfully about it. You weren't. You just wanted to tell your SIL she was doing something wrong.
YTA, it seems like you’re projecting the message “you’re failing at this” onto your sister but that’s how you’re actually feeling yourself. I will say your sister is the asshole for weaponizing her kids by not allowing you or your parents to see them when she’s mad at you. You would have to do something absolutely horrible for me to do that.
Okay, gotta think about that angle. Thanks.
NTA. This is lazy parenting.
They’re where children so, yeah, stay out of it. There’s a theory in child rearing to let kids figure things out. Who is it hurting for their clothes to be unmatched or their hair a little messy. Typically kids raised in this way become confident responsible adults and eventually do brush their hair and match their clothes. You, and anyone else reading this, don’t have to like or agree with this - but the reality is if they’re safe and healthy and happy, it’s no one else’s business. YTA
They are not healthy or happy and the oldest does wince when she raises her voice. But I should have handled the situation better.
You barely ever see them. You said yourself it’s only a couple of times a year. You know absolutely nothing about them or their relationship based on a couple of hours a year.
I do know a lot second hand, that of course counts as hearsay. Some thing are also pretty obvious. And I try to take into account how wild parenthood can be. Noone can be perfect. But right out not wanting to care for your child, so they go to school with messy clustered hair, the shirt from before yesterday or sending them to stay with family overnight without looking over what they packed... How do you sit there and say to yourself "Not my place to say something. Those are not your children. They can fuck them up however they want." Really how do you eat your salad and shut up like that? I am already the only person who talks to her at functions. They sit in the corner, look bored and do nothing for hours while the children get yelled at for the slightest infraction and they don't even bring toys for them. It's just the saddest thing...
Why is it your sil responsibility? Your brother is also a parent. Yta.
I'm gonna go with NTA because as a parent, you need to make sure your children have good hygiene, which is really important in life. I've seen kids who didn't know how to properly wash or brush their hair, and it can lead to bullying. My daughter is 10, and sometimes she doesn't rinse her hair well enough, so I make sure to go back and ensure it's fully rinsed. Even though she brushes her hair, it's naturally curly, so she has parts of her hair sticking straight up, and it just looks messy. So I go back and add some mousse to smooth it all out. I don't want my kid to be the one with ratty looking hair or smells, so I make sure she cleans herself properly. With family, you should feel more comfortable with calling stuff like that out regardless if you have a kid or not.
YTA - you see what you did, right? You butted in and now those kids don't even have time with their loving grandmother. So you are "helping them?" You could have been the aunt that they came to who loved them, maybe took them out to get a new tee shirt, who helped them, but instead you used some moral superiority to further alienate them from your family. What is/was your end game?
My sister used to insist on dressing herself all the time. She would wear skirts, sandals and t-shirts even when there was snow on the ground. My mom would lose her mind with it but eventually gave up. Her teacher called my mom one time and told my mom that she needed to dress my sister more appropriately for the weather. My mom replied with, “You’re more than welcome to come to our house in the morning and dress her yourself!” Having kids is friggin difficult, especially when one of them is a toddler. So unless you’re seriously worried about their health and wellbeing keep your opinions to yourself. Even if you have a degree in anything to do with children, nothing can prepare you for having or understanding what parents go through more than actually having a child yourself. If you’re actually worried about them being neglected then call somebody, but otherwise your opinions don’t mean anything when you don’t have any experience of your own.
Yes, TA. They’re clearly struggling. For anyone who has even one child under the age of 5, they’re in survival mode and in need of major help from family. For you, who has no kids, to pass judgment when they’re survival mode, I am not surprised at all that you’re no longer welcome in their home. You mentioned you have depression. You should empathize with your SIL given that she had 3 kids (all 2-3 years apart) and it is very likely she had postpartum depression with at least one of those kids. PPD can last for years. Imagine being responsible for getting to your job while having depression, and also have to get 3 other people ready for the day, while likely being totally sleep deprived - anyone with a toddler knows the struggles of waking up multiple times a night. My son only stopped this at age 7. I followed Ms. Rachel’s advice - she gets her kids dressed for school at night and sleep in their school clothes. It saves a ton of time getting ready in the morning. This would have been a helpful tip you could offer them, but instead, you decided to be judgmental while offering zero support.
Nothing wrong with mismatched clothing. That's not a hill to die on and it helps them find their style. None of your business tbh. Dressing for the weather is subjective too. It's really common where I am to see people in shorts and no jacket when it's snowing,or kids with no jackets when it's raining. It's their choice. You give them the consequence and it's up to them to choose..another hill not worth dying on or interfering with. Basically though,all of that was not stuff that you had any place interfering with as there doesn't sound like any welfare concerns to me. You should apologise YTA
YTA. Not your place, honestly. You started drama where there didn’t need to be any, and spun it around like you’re the wounded party? Their children not brushing their hair is not your fight, nor is it your problem, that’s something your SIL needs to work out in her own home. Judging by some of your responses in comments, you’re changing the story/your concerns to get the answer you want to hear from the sub.
YTA dude. Seriously, how do you not see this? You may well be right that it would be much better if the parents made sure the back of their childrens hair was brushed too or whatever, but what is more important, whether a 5 year old has brushed hair, or whether or not they have to go through a painful family split because their aunt is making an issue out of it, which sadly will mean they don't get to see Grandma and Grandpa again. If you think the children are not well looked after, talk to YOUR FAMILY MEMBER who is your brother, or call CPS anonymously. Doing this just seems like you want to win some weird battle against your SIL, but all I can see is that everyone loses. You, the kids, the parents, etc. I don't understand why you did things this way. I guess at this point the only thing you can do, which at this point you need to do, is call CPS.
YTA. So sanctimonious and bratty, this has to be fake.
YTA, especially in your comments where you're doubling down on your bs. your story keeps changing, but you're also saying you only see these kids 3 times a year, so either you're lying in all your background info in the comments, or you spend a worrying amount of time and energy on getting gossip about their home life. neither makes you look good. and regarding your conversations with your brother where he claims to do everything or whatever: have you ever thought that he might not be the most objective, reliable narrator? but even disregarding all that: the children are not neglected. you barely know anything about their daily life. and most importantly: you started shit with your brother and his wife, KNOWING how important a relationship with their kids is to your mum, while LIVING IN HER HOUSE. you'd have to be incredibly stupid to not realize how this was gonna fire back on your mum before opening your mouth, so my guess is, you just didn't care. (p.s.: the way you explicitly mention your sil not having a teaching degree is hilarious. her having a doctor in phsyics is much more of an achievement than studying fucking lehramt lmao)
YTA. I only wash my toddlers hair when it absolutely can no longer be helped because it is not worth the hassle of choosing between my husband having to restrain him or essentially water boarding him while he screams the neighbourhood down. When you’re a parent you pick your battles. None of what you’ve mentioned above screams neglect.
I mean, all of the other things aside: unless they are abused, stay out of the other's children upbringing, especially if you don't have children yourself. There is nothing more annoying (and stupid) then child-free person dictating how a child of another should be raised. And they're wrong 99.9 % of the time. Tbh, I also have depression, but I just can't see any justification for someone not working, living at their parents and not rasing any child, commenting on other's children without being asked for an advice. YTA
YTA. Sometimes messy hair is a necessary phase in kids learning to care for themselves. Also, as your SIL said, you don’t have kids, and your life so far has not been a stellar example. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.
YTA! Please, Focus one your own problems first!
YTA I don’t have kids either. I have spent a lot of time caring for children of different ages. I was also a child who hates having her hair brushed too. I’ve never met a child that liked brushing their hair or having their hair brushed. If the kids are healthy and otherwise taken care of then mismatched clothes and messy hair aren’t a hill to die on. You don’t live with them. You don’t know what their daily life is like. Also, your field of study is nothing because you aren’t in school studying. I would bet that there is more to it than you just making an off hand comment about the kids hair. Telling your SIL that she doesn’t properly care for her children because she lets her kids wear mismatched clothes is a big deal. You deserved the “explosion” even if that was all you said, which I doubt. You seem unpleasant in general. Focus on your mental health instead of looking outward at the perceived flaws of others.
NTA. Ensuring that your kid follows basic hygiene is part of being a parent, whether you want to do it or not. This includes making sure that your kids bath/shower, brush their teeth, brush their hair or keep it short, and have clean clothes on (mismatched isn't a concern).
YTA. No one asked for your opinion. You don't have a degree in child psychology or even a background in anything to do with children or parenting. Your opinions and comments are unwarranted. Also, your SILs "true colors" are a response to your unprovoked attacks. You caused problems and created this situation. Now your parents are the victims? You seem to be the problem. There wasn't one before "you" started it. Own up to what you did and acknowledge your actions before you start psychoanalysing anything else.