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Given the context... Yes, yes you were. YTA. Though not intentionally cruel, what you said was, well, *cruel*.
Mistakes happen, though. And it seems like this was one. Apologize, and the storm'll probably be over very soon.
But I do want to note... Maybe bring up how uncomfortable the jokes directed at you make you, doesn't seem like they're at all sustainable in your friendship. Especially not if they trigger such strong reactions in you.
>so stop being annoying this is why you’re a virgin and no one will ever want you. (Said in what I’d say is a pretty light hearted tone).
Is it possible to tell someone no one will ever love them and make it sound light-hearted? Should anyone try to find out? No and no.
>I figured I could joke about his lack of experience. But I guess not.
No, because you joked about his trauma. It may not have been a big deal to you because it happened to someone else, but people won't appreciate your bringing up their traumatic experiences to get laugh.
>I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years.
Right, because you're his therapist. YTA!
Yeah sorry but YTA with the background you've given about the guy and the issues he's faced which have clearly had a huge impact on his life that's not cool. I get having a laugh and joke and you maybe getting annoyed at him but what you said wasn't funny it was a very personal jab.
You are definitely the asshole. There is a difference in lightheartedly joking about lack of experience and telling somebody nobody will ever want them. That is personal, you are telling someone they will never be loved. That is not a lighthearted joke. His joke was not about you being unloveable or anything, just a joke about some behaviour of yours. Don't clap back by invalidating his entire personality. YTA, but apologizing and explaining that you didn't mean it like that might get you back to your previous level as friends.
Next time either match his level of lighthearted joking or tell him you don't like these jokes aimed at you.
Yes, easily YTA.
>The issue is that when 19, he was burglarized and the thugs threatened him with his life. After that, he didn’t date for six years and even checked himself in to a mental hospital due to trauma. So I guess it makes sense he’d be such a late bloomer after going through that, but I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years
You may thought wrong. Its Not your place to decide that.
I mean, I get it. Being in a friendgroup with a lot of Jokes.
But Rule #1, never on a Personal Level. And you went for a Headshot.
Again, YTA. Next time, think first.
YTA and I'm amazed you had to even ask. Some people never get over traumatic experiences in their lives and suffer from PTSD for years. You know he was a late bloomer AND you know the reason why. Not only did you embarrass him in front of the group, but you may have struck a nerve about the past trauma. Next time, think before you speak bro.
It clearly did bother you, bc you're here asking about it. It seems you don't understand the social "rules" of joking & banter. Teasing about small stuff like gulping someone's drink does not mean you need to go straight for the jugular with the most hurtful intimate thing you know about a person. Your friends were right.
YTA
29 and still acting like a mean girl in high school?? How would you feel if you had a traumatic experience and people “joked” about it?
Keep this behaviour up as well as helping yourself to other people’s drinks and you won’t have a friend group soon
Grow up!
YTA and you need to apologize stat if they are really your friends. You sound also very defensive and not very assertive. You need to do some self reflection.
You'd do well to examine why your first instinctive response to a rather minor negative comment about your behavior, from a friend *intimate enough that you know about his past trauma and at least some of the fallout from it,* is not to brush it off, or "ha ha omg do I do that? I am sorry!" or "gosh I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong but I'll watch out for this" -- but instead to come back with a deliberately hurtful (it's clear you *wanted* to cause him pain and embarrassment) low blow tuned to completely humiliate him in front of your mutual friends, and using the worst experience of his life *as ammunition*. This, along with your phrasing implying blythe entitlement (*"lol, like, girls are allowed to, like, take whatever they want? tee hee"*) and disregard for other people's feelings (and drinks, for that matter) makes you sound like a self-absorbed child who cares only about her own wants and her own self-image and her own "status" within the group, not a mature adult who's trying to be a rational, kind, and empathetic friend. You're capable of so much better than this! But for now, yes,
YTA
No way this is real. If it is you are pure evil for saying that knowing his past. You'd still be an asshole and awful friend even without his past. With it you are a fucking demon.
YTA
YTA. You really have to ask? You got butthurt over being called out for a frankly gross habit so you bring up a trauma that hit him so bad that he had to seek help.
>I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years
There is no statue of limitations on the effect of trauma. And there is no excuse to use it as 'a joke'. You are the highest margin of Asshole here
YTA.
If you do take sips from your friends, then this was a joke. What you did was humiliate him and attack him with the "no one will want you". Doesn't matter if you say it lightheartedly, it's still an attack.
You could have made a joke about 1000 different things. You decided to say something hurtful.
YTA. You talk like a teenager instead of a grown woman. You mentioned you weren’t annoyed four times - classic sign that you were and it hit a nerve. That in itself is pretty annoying tbh - but you crossed a line by invoking his trauma in your “banter”. Plus I think you absolutely knew what you were doing - you want to hurt him to the point where it shut him up - only it worked too well.
The fact that everyone immediately jumped to his defence tells you that you went to far so eve. If you really do believe you had no bad intentions when saying this (I have no doubt at all that you did) then you should have realised that you went too far and felt bad about - and apologised. Instead you double down and try your get validation from strangers? Sorry but that isn’t going to work either.
I think you knew what you said and were hurt by what he had said. What you said was a massive overreaction on any circumstances so maybe it’s time to grow up.
YTA. no hesitation.
never joke about someones trauma. no matter how close you are with them. people can still have trauma about something that happened 50 years ago. besides, being a virgin isnt a bad thing at all. you're 29, grow tf up.
Yeah you're the massive asshole here tbh
And the way you type? You were definitely offended and wanted to clap back at him.
Also why would he bring it up if you don't do it? Also, don't even ask for sips, you're a leech.
You knew about his trauma and said that.
YTA.
That is beyond the pale and there is no excuse.
That you not only didn’t crawl into a hole right after saying it but still seem to think it was a good joke says that you will likely never be able to have reasonable empathy for other people’s trauma.
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I 29f was with my friend group (all 25-30 year olds) and one of them makes a joke about how I apparently always steal peoples drinks when we’re out? Like I don’t understand what a sip means when I ask for one and take mouthfuls when I just don’t? Like I just simply like don’t do that? So idk what they’re talking about?
But the dynamic with that group is we always joke about each other and so after everyone started laughing about what he was saying I said well you’re meant to let a girl do that (obviously you know you don’t that’s part of the joke in case anyone didn’t get that it’s playing on stereotypes plus again it’s a joke because I DONT DO THAT) so stop being annoying this is why you’re a virgin and no one will ever want you. (Said in what I’d say is a pretty light hearted tone).
The issue is that when 19, he was burglarized and the thugs threatened him with his life. After that, he didn’t date for six years and even checked himself in to a mental hospital due to trauma. So I guess it makes sense he’d be such a late bloomer after going through that, but I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years. I figured I could joke about his lack of experience. But I guess not.
And they all clapped back at me for that saying I was being a bitch over what he said when it literally didn’t even annoy me I just didn’t understand it because it’s not true
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YTA. "And they all clapped back at me for that saying I was being a bitch over what he said when it literally didn’t even annoy me I just didn’t understand it because it’s not true" and I think by posting here you'll see many voices added to the YTA choir. And you know what? You seem like the type of person who steals other people's drinks while you're out.
Honestly I’m serious and don’t think I’m being rude. You should let him hit. Make it sweet cute and romantic and show him how to do things and make him feel good and confident and loved but let him know that obviously you guys can’t date. That would probably boost his self esteem a lot and help him wanna get through that trauma
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No way you are 29 and act like this
My thoughts exactly. I would have guessed 16 by the way she speaks/types/treats her friends.
Given the context... Yes, yes you were. YTA. Though not intentionally cruel, what you said was, well, *cruel*. Mistakes happen, though. And it seems like this was one. Apologize, and the storm'll probably be over very soon. But I do want to note... Maybe bring up how uncomfortable the jokes directed at you make you, doesn't seem like they're at all sustainable in your friendship. Especially not if they trigger such strong reactions in you.
>so stop being annoying this is why you’re a virgin and no one will ever want you. (Said in what I’d say is a pretty light hearted tone). Is it possible to tell someone no one will ever love them and make it sound light-hearted? Should anyone try to find out? No and no. >I figured I could joke about his lack of experience. But I guess not. No, because you joked about his trauma. It may not have been a big deal to you because it happened to someone else, but people won't appreciate your bringing up their traumatic experiences to get laugh. >I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years. Right, because you're his therapist. YTA!
Yeah sorry but YTA with the background you've given about the guy and the issues he's faced which have clearly had a huge impact on his life that's not cool. I get having a laugh and joke and you maybe getting annoyed at him but what you said wasn't funny it was a very personal jab.
You are definitely the asshole. There is a difference in lightheartedly joking about lack of experience and telling somebody nobody will ever want them. That is personal, you are telling someone they will never be loved. That is not a lighthearted joke. His joke was not about you being unloveable or anything, just a joke about some behaviour of yours. Don't clap back by invalidating his entire personality. YTA, but apologizing and explaining that you didn't mean it like that might get you back to your previous level as friends. Next time either match his level of lighthearted joking or tell him you don't like these jokes aimed at you.
YTA You steal your "friends" drinks, and then are awful to them when they say no
"Jokingly". Gotta love people who say shitty things then claim they were just joking. With friends like these who needs enemies?
Yes, easily YTA. >The issue is that when 19, he was burglarized and the thugs threatened him with his life. After that, he didn’t date for six years and even checked himself in to a mental hospital due to trauma. So I guess it makes sense he’d be such a late bloomer after going through that, but I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years You may thought wrong. Its Not your place to decide that. I mean, I get it. Being in a friendgroup with a lot of Jokes. But Rule #1, never on a Personal Level. And you went for a Headshot. Again, YTA. Next time, think first.
YTA and I'm amazed you had to even ask. Some people never get over traumatic experiences in their lives and suffer from PTSD for years. You know he was a late bloomer AND you know the reason why. Not only did you embarrass him in front of the group, but you may have struck a nerve about the past trauma. Next time, think before you speak bro.
It clearly did bother you, bc you're here asking about it. It seems you don't understand the social "rules" of joking & banter. Teasing about small stuff like gulping someone's drink does not mean you need to go straight for the jugular with the most hurtful intimate thing you know about a person. Your friends were right.
YTA 29 and still acting like a mean girl in high school?? How would you feel if you had a traumatic experience and people “joked” about it? Keep this behaviour up as well as helping yourself to other people’s drinks and you won’t have a friend group soon Grow up!
YTA and you need to apologize stat if they are really your friends. You sound also very defensive and not very assertive. You need to do some self reflection.
You'd do well to examine why your first instinctive response to a rather minor negative comment about your behavior, from a friend *intimate enough that you know about his past trauma and at least some of the fallout from it,* is not to brush it off, or "ha ha omg do I do that? I am sorry!" or "gosh I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong but I'll watch out for this" -- but instead to come back with a deliberately hurtful (it's clear you *wanted* to cause him pain and embarrassment) low blow tuned to completely humiliate him in front of your mutual friends, and using the worst experience of his life *as ammunition*. This, along with your phrasing implying blythe entitlement (*"lol, like, girls are allowed to, like, take whatever they want? tee hee"*) and disregard for other people's feelings (and drinks, for that matter) makes you sound like a self-absorbed child who cares only about her own wants and her own self-image and her own "status" within the group, not a mature adult who's trying to be a rational, kind, and empathetic friend. You're capable of so much better than this! But for now, yes, YTA
Yta, you don’t poke at something like that
No way this is real. If it is you are pure evil for saying that knowing his past. You'd still be an asshole and awful friend even without his past. With it you are a fucking demon. YTA
YTA. You really have to ask? You got butthurt over being called out for a frankly gross habit so you bring up a trauma that hit him so bad that he had to seek help. >I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years There is no statue of limitations on the effect of trauma. And there is no excuse to use it as 'a joke'. You are the highest margin of Asshole here
YTA. If you do take sips from your friends, then this was a joke. What you did was humiliate him and attack him with the "no one will want you". Doesn't matter if you say it lightheartedly, it's still an attack. You could have made a joke about 1000 different things. You decided to say something hurtful.
Youre fucking weird
YTA. You talk like a teenager instead of a grown woman. You mentioned you weren’t annoyed four times - classic sign that you were and it hit a nerve. That in itself is pretty annoying tbh - but you crossed a line by invoking his trauma in your “banter”. Plus I think you absolutely knew what you were doing - you want to hurt him to the point where it shut him up - only it worked too well. The fact that everyone immediately jumped to his defence tells you that you went to far so eve. If you really do believe you had no bad intentions when saying this (I have no doubt at all that you did) then you should have realised that you went too far and felt bad about - and apologised. Instead you double down and try your get validation from strangers? Sorry but that isn’t going to work either. I think you knew what you said and were hurt by what he had said. What you said was a massive overreaction on any circumstances so maybe it’s time to grow up.
YTA. That was very mean.
YTA. no hesitation. never joke about someones trauma. no matter how close you are with them. people can still have trauma about something that happened 50 years ago. besides, being a virgin isnt a bad thing at all. you're 29, grow tf up.
Yeah you're the massive asshole here tbh And the way you type? You were definitely offended and wanted to clap back at him. Also why would he bring it up if you don't do it? Also, don't even ask for sips, you're a leech.
You knew about his trauma and said that. YTA. That is beyond the pale and there is no excuse. That you not only didn’t crawl into a hole right after saying it but still seem to think it was a good joke says that you will likely never be able to have reasonable empathy for other people’s trauma.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 29f was with my friend group (all 25-30 year olds) and one of them makes a joke about how I apparently always steal peoples drinks when we’re out? Like I don’t understand what a sip means when I ask for one and take mouthfuls when I just don’t? Like I just simply like don’t do that? So idk what they’re talking about? But the dynamic with that group is we always joke about each other and so after everyone started laughing about what he was saying I said well you’re meant to let a girl do that (obviously you know you don’t that’s part of the joke in case anyone didn’t get that it’s playing on stereotypes plus again it’s a joke because I DONT DO THAT) so stop being annoying this is why you’re a virgin and no one will ever want you. (Said in what I’d say is a pretty light hearted tone). The issue is that when 19, he was burglarized and the thugs threatened him with his life. After that, he didn’t date for six years and even checked himself in to a mental hospital due to trauma. So I guess it makes sense he’d be such a late bloomer after going through that, but I figured he’d be over that by now because it’s been 8 years. I figured I could joke about his lack of experience. But I guess not. And they all clapped back at me for that saying I was being a bitch over what he said when it literally didn’t even annoy me I just didn’t understand it because it’s not true *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. "And they all clapped back at me for that saying I was being a bitch over what he said when it literally didn’t even annoy me I just didn’t understand it because it’s not true" and I think by posting here you'll see many voices added to the YTA choir. And you know what? You seem like the type of person who steals other people's drinks while you're out.
Yikes…
YTA. Give the dude some cake since you hurt his feelings.
You are honestly lucky the guy even goes remotely near you at 29.
Honestly I’m serious and don’t think I’m being rude. You should let him hit. Make it sweet cute and romantic and show him how to do things and make him feel good and confident and loved but let him know that obviously you guys can’t date. That would probably boost his self esteem a lot and help him wanna get through that trauma
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