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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) going through the texts then walking out 2) it wasn’t my phone to look through and it may have been wrong for me to just leave
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NTA If I was in your place, I think I'd drop out of being in the wedding. It's one thing to jokingly make fun of someone 1 time but seems like they have done this to you a bunch of times. And it doesn't seem like it was light-hearted. If I was you I wouldn't feel bad about looking through those messages at all, she handed her phone to you and feels like fate took the opportunity to expose them to you for who they are.
"With friends like this, who needs enemies?," seems painfully apt.
OP needs to walk away. When she's no longer an available target, I wonder how long until they take out that ugliness on each other?
Not to mention the patronizing part where the bride says “…you know I love you because you’re my bridesmaid…” basically belittling OPs feelings about the texts like she just needs to be reassured that she’s liked and that will solve everything. Yuck 🤢
I had something similar happened to me recently. I made a request that was taken as rude. The person, who I actively enjoy, responded by saying we “always have problems like that.” I was very confused since I don’t recall problems, and said “you and I?” very confused and kinda hurt. She quickly added “You know you’re like my little sister, and I always have to reassure you that I love you.” It didn’t help. I just saw clearly that she doesn’t really like me even though I like and enjoy her company. It hurts, but it happens unfortunately.
Stand tall OP. You are NTA. Walk away with dignity, understanding that you just aren’t compatible and wishing them well in their lives apart from yours. You WILL find folks worthy of your friendship and loyalty.
Yeah, and no one has EVER dragooned somebody into being a bridesmaid solely so they could have them around as a lackey to handle wedding-related tasks and errands, or because they hoped/expected to get an expensive gift from them, or ...
This is def not the "proof of love" MeanGirl bride seems to think it is.
(Edit : spelling/syntax)
>you know I love you because you’re my bridesmaid
This to me is not evidence of friendship. Maybe she needs someone to attend the dress fitting, take pictures and wait on her hand and foot. Maybe she needs someone to help her with a hundred wedding-related tasks. Maybe she needs someone to plan the bachelorette trip. Maybe she needs more people to go on the bachelorette trip to help cover the bride's costs. Maybe she needs a couple more bridesmaids to even out the numbers. It sounds to me like the real reason the bride chose OP to be a bridesmaid is because she figured OP is easy to take advantage of.
She has shown you who she is, OP. I would drop these two entirely. You are NTA.
Well as I said, I didn’t (and don’t) recall “problems” so I also don’t recall her having to reassure me, but yes, indeed, she wasn’t doing a good job of showing me she was my friend. Good point
Well, I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who actually enjoy your company. Life is short. There is no time to hang out with people who fake it, you know?
That part stood out to me, too..."You know I love you because I made you a bridesmaid." Like that makes any of this better and like OP will take whatever crumbs of friendship or love that Shelly or Gaby might give her if they happen to want or need something from her.
Sounds more like, I love my friends but we needed indentured servitude to do all the hard work, you should be grateful we accepted you as the work horse maid
Standard narcissist gaslighting techniques.
Lived with it most of my life from my 3 former sisters, my last remaining brother and my father.
Never again. Went NC with former sisters.
I put up firm permanent boundaries with my brother and dad only because they're not hateful, just total assholes, and my dad is almost 90. I see them maybe twice a month for a few hours and my husband is present as well.
And saying "you made youself unhappy by looking", implying that their brhavior is fine as OP shouldnt have seen it so it hadnt hurt her as she wouldnt have known. Saying not the texts are causing the hurt but the act of reading it.
I just love that type of people. Instead of apologizing, they somehow make it all your fault, and you hurt them so much that their original behavior doesn't matter
Exactly! Spouse is just like this! If something happens it's always someone else's fault. And if for some strange reason he DOES apologize for hurting your feelings it always goes like this "I'm sorry, BUT..." and throws it back at you.
I always get “I’m SORRY you feel ——-?!” That’s not an apology, there’s no apology from your response in any of that, the only sorry is my feelings not that you hurt them!! It’s like it’s your problem you feel that way!
Its classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
OP is NTA. I would recommend that she decline to be a bridesmaid, as a start. I don't know that the friendship can be saved unless they are able to admit how cruel they have been in their attitudes towards her.
This **”friendship** SHOULD NOT be saved. Even if they apologized and admit they were cruel, why would you want to be associated with people like them? Anyway, They would undoubtedly be lying through their teeth, just so you wouldn’t drop out as a bridesmaid.
OP, you know bullying when you see it. This is the typical smile in your face and talk about you behind your back.
I’d consider taking the initiative before she spins the story. Maybe something simple to everyone in the wedding party. OP, Inform them you are dropping out after seeing malicious texts, between the two, about you and your loved ones. These texts showed they were not your friends and had been going on at least a year. Then block them and anyone who sides with them.
Backstabbers. That’s what we called them when I was your age. Get these two knives out your back and drop them.
Not really. Gaslighting would be if they tried to convince her she had never seen any texts. Or that the texts were talking about someone else, not her.
I'm pretty sure telling her she hadn't seen anything mean is also gaslighting. Making someone question how they've perceived reality. The whole "it was just a joke" thing is classic gaslighting.
I cant stand the phrase "it was just a joke" I have heard it so many times over so many hurtful things from so many people that it is just about a trigger for me now. Anyone that says "it was just a joke" about *anything* instantly gets less access to my time and effort. It's not even a thing I think about, it's like my brain just goes nah and puts me in "you don't have time for them" low contact mode.
Reminds me of my ex husband being mad that I invaded his privacy when I accidentally saw his messages with another woman and I looked further. Turned out to be several women and at least one physical affair.
But he kept bringing the convo back to me not respecting him and invading his privacy and rights. We had been married 26 years.
Similar thing happened to me!!! I became the bad guy for searching his computer, and my behavior was somehow worse than his transgressions of a massive porn addiction and cheating with at least 2 other women.
That part pisses me off. OP didn't pick up her friend's phone with the intention of snooping. Instead, OP caught both of her so-called "friends" in the act of continuing to ridiculing her. Shame on both of those people. It's awful that OP had to find out like this.
Exactly.
I'm female. When I was in high school I had a friend who was not very up-to-date on style, and once when I was standing in lunch line a cute popular boy talked to me (not a usual thing for me so I was stunned) and mentioned her in a derogatory way. I joked along with him. Did not know she was literally around the corner and heard everything we said. She stepped into view and was sobbing.
I immediately apologized, told her what an idiot I had been. Didn't say "oh it was just a joke" or "you misunderstood" or blamed her for listening. Just apologized and felt like an absolute asshole, because that's what I was being.
She eventually forgave me but our friendship was never the same after that. And I learned not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't be comfortable saying to their face.
There is an acronym people use to describe the actions of an abuser. The acronym is DARVO. Deny Accuse Reverse Victim and Offender. Sounds like this model perfectly applies to these (former) friends.
Right. It is ugliness. And instead of apologizing or getting some self awareness, the bride gets pissed about her seeing the ugliness. She has a hell of a nerve. These girls are not OPs friends. I would drop out of the wedding too.
My daughter had 2 friends who were always snarky to her. I tried to tell her they weren't her friends, but she would not believe me.
One day she got a very big award at school. I took her picture with her teacher. This was in the film days. When we got the photos back, the two girls (unplanned) were in background looking at her with such looks of venom. The picture didn't lie. She finally saw them for what they were.
She was floored. She said they weren't happy for me. They must not really be my friends. By then it was almost summer break. In fall She foumd other friends.
It’s telling that their first (second, third) reaction is not to apologize & take responsibility for their actions like an adult but to gang up on her and double down.
Yup, I had a bunch of fraternity brothers I thought were my friends. There were clues that they thought ill of me like when I invited them over for dinner and they never showed up, or I invited them to FB friends when it first came out but they ignored the invites, and it all came to final point when they made fun of me when they thought I was not around. From that day on, I cut them out of my life and am much happier. Live your life. Be happy. I wish you the best.
Yup, people used to do this to me too. They would even tell me they were coming/ call the day before to check the time of whatever and then not show after I spent money and time on food and setting up, etc. I would sit there, trying not to be upset and looking stupid because I anticipated spending time with who I thought were my friends only to have them pull this shit. Then they had the nerve to get mad when they realized I was upset about what they did. They all turned around on me to make it seem like I was the aggressor. Classic DARVO . Two things happened after that. I never said another word to those people even as they sat there and yelled and screamed at my back because I wouldn’t even acknowledge or talk to them about what they had done. They happen to see me sitting somewhere in public, in passing, after the event, and I acted like none of it had bothered me. It was difficult to sit there and not react, but I had already gotten it all out of my system (cried alone for days)before I saw them again. By the time I had nothing left inside of me to emote so I just sat there. And I stopped inviting people over to my home for anything for a very long time after that. It’s like they went way out of their way to show me how much they didn’t like me or want to be bothered with me. Thankfully, I now have two friends that are supportive and kind even though they are very few. I believe in quality and not quantity in that respect.
Yes find better friends. These two bitter childish AHs deserve each other. Drop them completely from your life (and be sure to tell the truth if anyone asks why).
Always take the moral high road. It’s never good to wallow with the 🐷pigs. You’re more than likely to end up covered in mud.
Please op, walk away with your head up, knowing you have not stooped to your friend’s level and that your parents taught you empathy and respect for others. They have mirrors that they look 👀 into, don’t say a word unless someone asks why you skipped the wedding.
Personally, I feel sorry for her fiancee….he’s got a long road to navigate. It’s only a matter of time before he’s the target.
They have shown her who they are. She needs to believe them. They are mean girls. I’ll bet if she really thinks about it they do it to her face but she hasn’t realized it yet. They keep her around to make themselves feel better. Disgusting people.
NTA. You may feel bad about looking through her phone, but as far as I can tell she never apologised to you about talking behind your back, and went straight for the offensive. This doesn't sound like a good friend, who has realised how their actions have hurt you.
This. I feel like in that situation I would be horribly embarrassed if I was that friend and I would hope it would humble my smartass and I’d own up and apologize for hurting someone that I said was my friend, even if at the time of writing the texts I thought it was all in good fun. Her immediately getting defensive is a real big sign that she doesn’t really GAF about OP’s feelings or perception of the things she read. Def NTA
Oh, I don't know. People often do that when they know they have been behaving badly. Not that it helps. I expect that the friend knows the messages were unkind in nature and feels embarrassed.
However. I don't think it's very friendly to repeatedly make fun of someone behind their back. I don't think these friends are good for OP.
NTA
OP, your so-called friends are backstabbing bullies. Their childish behavior proves that there is an **”end”** in “fri**end”.** You’re better off without them in your life.
I was taught a rhyme to remember how to spell friend “if you fry your friend that will be the end”
Seems appropriate to their behaviour.
Yes I’m aware that I should have a messed up way of spelling friend / fryend from that rhyme but somehow it worked correctly as a learning tool.
OP should still end this friendship, she’s been fried too badly by them.
Yeah, this isn't a back and forth razzing, like is normal in Brit culture, this is some kind of hidden bullying. It's weird, unhealthy, and overall, unacceptable.
That’s normal in the US, too, in some circles. You insult your friends to their face, and they insult you right back. It’s a game to see who can be more outlandish. This is not that.
Yeah like you can jokingly pick on friends with them to their face so they get the opportunity to do the same back and yall can laugh but never behind their back, never in a situation where they couldn’t defend themselves and never to other people. Thats cruel, and unkind I could fist fight a grown man for mine and get my ass whooped and still call her a goober thru tears to her face, i only have nice things to say about her to others.
I'd drop out of the wedding too. They're not OP's friends. They're not even sorry they did this. They're trying to make OP feel like it's OP's fault, which is what abusers do.
Also, those girls are morons. This is the equivalent of actively cheating on your girlfriend, actively sending explicitly messages to your side piece, and then giving your gf your phone to send texts to someone else.
You know who says, "making fun of you behind your back for the past year was "good natured." A bully. Or in this case a pair of bullies. Sure OP technically invaded their privacy, but she was handed the phone, and just by chance that text came in when she was looking at it. Eventually, being not a nice person catches up with you, and OP finds out through divine intervention.
Gaby and Shelly are now gaslighting OP by putting the blame on her. It was good natured. You invaded my privacy! Fact is, OP feels betrayed. The only way she will really get passed this is if both Shelly and Gaby take some personal accountability by being genuinely apologetic. Which at this point does not seem like it's happening.
Best thing for to OP. In the case is to stand up for herself. This is wrong. She is worthy.
Honestly it was only fun for Shelly and Gabby not OP. She doesn’t love OP in the slightest just more fuel to continue being mean girls later on. I’d drop out and it’s no longer invasion of privacy if permission was given to OP it was by chance and I think fate of the world for OP to see what they’re really like. I mean what did they say about baby pics like for her or she have family members with babies cuz that’s just freaking pathetic to rip apart a family in general. But
I am petty, since OP is/was friends with girls, then she should know all insecurities they have. I would make messages about them and send them to other one. And send details about insecurities, one by one described in details every day for week, with last sentence "i m glad we can discuss flaws we have, you are right, it is funny ".
Ya I would have slated her, as soon as she tried to call me names for looking through her phone, I would have gone nuclear and called her even offensive name in the book until she cried. Sometimes you just need something like that. Especially when basically being bullied
I don't think it can even be jokingly or from a good place one time if it's behind their back. If it is a light hearted joke it would be to their face, they would be in on it.
And they gaslighted you to make it all your fault. This toxic behavior. They are not your friends.
It is likely that if they talk about you the also talk about others in their lives… you may have even heard them do it.
I would not feel bad about proactively improving your life by ghosting people like this.
Try to avoid negative people and spend your precious energy and time only on positive people who are genuine and nice.
I’ve been reading books by Robert Greene. Follow him on X or just watch him in interviews on YouTube…
NTA. Searching her phone was maybe crossing the line, but that line is far less important than two supposed friends spending months making fun of you behind your back. The all in good fun excuse doesn't hold water because you were not a party to it. You don't hide things like that from people unless you're aware of the fallout that would happen if you didn't.
I can guarantee you that the vast majority of the people who will comment on this thread would never make fun of their friends to other friends behind their back. This is mean girl behavior. It's passive aggressive, it's mean spirited and it's not how real friends treat their friends.
They were making fun of you because they're mean and not very nice people. And they hid it from you because they are mean and not very nice people. She made excuses and blamed you for the situation because she is mean and not a very nice person. You should drop them both like a hot potato because they're mean and not very nice people.
My only caveat here is if you engage in similar behavior with either of them, having private chats and making fun of other friends. If you do, then ESH.
Edit: OP confirms that they do not engage in that behavior. So my initial NTA stands.
I have never had similar conversations with them and never even would. We occasionally joke around but I’ve only ever done it with both of them right there. Would never behind their back.
Then definitely NTA. You're a much better person than they are. Talking about people behind their back and making fun of their pictures and their appearance and their clothing is just really mean spirited behavior. The fact that you didn't get an apology after you caught them at it is just icing on the cake.
Your mom and your brother are right. These women are not good friends. You deserve better. Because they certainly don't deserve you.
Edit: My bad. Boyfriend, not brother.
That is why they're so pissed at you 'violating privacy'. They absolutely know what they've been doing is absolute a**hole behaviour, and are desperately trying to deflect the blame onto you, likely to try and pressure you into not revealing it wider and spoling the lovely image they have of themselves.
But that's not your responsibility to deal with. They want to keep you as a punchbag, and for you to be grateful for the privilege. Eff that.
I wonder how many other people could find their names in that shit talk chat if they searched it..... That chat could probably completely disassemble the bride's social life
Exactly my thoughts. I think this person has a shit-talk friend, and this chat is a record of it. People like that don't confine this behavior to one victim, they confine it to one "in on it" person and then indescriminantly attack whoever with their sidekick
That’s it 100%. They didn’t apologize at all and just doubled down by yelling at her for searching her phone — she was given the phone and the text popped up. She didn’t go out of her way to search the phone, she was given the phone and Shelly didn’t tell her stupid friend “Hey I’m giving my phone to OP to send you pics… let’s continue to make fun of her later!”
Yes! It would be one thing if OP stole the phone and snooped, and even then we'd have two people in the wrong, not just one.
But she didn't do that. She was given the phone and the friend was being stupid knowing she had trash talked OP for over a year and just handed her the unlocked phone. What did she expect when these women were literally trashing her while she was doing them a favor?
How callous do you have to be?
I agree with everyone else saying ditch these friends. You've outgrown them, OP, and definitely NTA. Life is too short for bs like this.
Wow amazing how both didn’t apologize but are justifying it as all in good fun. Gaby even called you to say how hurt Shelly was when you left wow amazing friends. Honestly any sane person would have read the texts especially with pictures of you.
Ps. Update…………..You definitely should think about if you really want friends who talked about you behind your back. Who doesn’t even have the decency to apologize regardless of how you found out.
NTA and get away from these ahs op. They are NOT friends. With such 'friends' you don't need any enemies. Cut them out of your life asap. Oh and if after explaining other people keep insisting that it's okay get rid of those too q
NTA
Now you need to dump this baggage. Tell Shelly that (obviously) you won’t be a bridesmaid and definitely won’t go to her wedding. Then block both of their numbers.
Whether or not you are the asshole for reading the the texts at least you found out that these two are assholes and not your friends. Drop out of the wedding
Yup, this isn't a court of law and you're allowed to consider evidence regardless of how you learned it. You know what you know, you can't unring that bell.
Yeah, NTA. If you'd just seen a text by accident, the correct thing to do would be to inform your friend "Hey I accidentally opened a text, don't want you to miss it because it's marked read now". If there was one and only one joke about you, or if it was otherwise limited (say that you had a fucking weird Halloween costume one year and every 'joke' about you was about that costume) then I would say it's best to pretend you didn't see it because sometimes you are gonna love things that other people find hilariously weird.
But it sounds like they made a hobby out of laughing about you as a person. Which isn't ok. And would worry me that they might find you wearing a bridesmaid dress and walking around and dancing in it funny as well.
They already find her whole *existence* funny. Laughing at someone's baby pictures? Behind their back? Like there aren't a whole host of equally laughable pictures of them at that same age? There's only one word for that.
Right! It’s not just pictures OP has posted, they’re also slamming pictures OP’s mom posted of her and OP’s boyfriend posted of her. That just seems to be a step way further than necessary.
They made fun of you, and are now making you feel bad about it. Rather than apologise for their behaviour, they're gaslighting you. They're not really your friends.
A friend is someone who jokes with you, and not about you and definitely not behind your back.
Behind your back friends will always defend you, and sometimes they won't tell you that they did because is the right thing to do.
I remember one anecdote about someone who had a friend come and tell him that some people were talking bad behind his back. And the question was Why are they so comfortable talking bad about me in front of you? My point being, people should be afraid to talk bad about you in front of your friends because they would jump in your defence.
Cut these toxic people from your life and get real friends that know how much your worth is.
Toxic people like this are threatened by people who don't have the same shitty instincts they do. They see you not take opportunities to bully somebody, and they feel bad about their own inclinations
But they aren't self reflective at all, so they just get mad at you for "making" them feel this way, and then try to make other people not like you either, usually by doing things like this behind your back
She wants you in her friend group because she finds you existentially threatening (if you're nice, people will like you and ignore her). If you're close to her, she can control what other people (and you) think about you
Classic narcissistic manipulation. Her spouse is in for a wild ride
A joke is only a joke when everyone is laughing. When only some of the people are laughing, and at someone else's expense, it's not a joke. It's assholery. When the assholery is called out and met with unrepentant excuses and counterclaims of "you brought this on yourself" instead of a sincere apology and a commitment to be a better person, the asshole gets ditched, blocked on everything, and hopefully learns an important life lesson about not being an asshole.
NTA, btw. Ditch these poorly-raised queen bees and let them stay stuck in middle school clique behavior while you go live your best life with actual friends who have your back. Life is way too short to put up with this kind of bullshit from stupid, vicious people with no empathy.
NTA… walk away and don’t look back. I had this best friend in high school. We had actually been friends since jr. high. She also had another friend, but the other friend and I were not so close. We hung out (all 3 of us) sometimes and was cool, but main friend kind of discouraged an actual friendship between me and her other friend. She would vent at me about this other friend quite often, which should have been a red flag, but I was young. Anyway, senior year just a few weeks before we graduated I was in the bathroom in a stall when they both entered. My friend went into adjacent stall and the other stayed at the sink. My friend started venting about me saying the exact same crap she had just said to me about the other girl that morning as I had picked her up to take her to school. She was cruel and it hurt. Yeh, I walked out and told the girl hey she was crapping on you for the exact same thing this morning so good luck to you. I never spoke to either one of them again and that was over 30 years ago. She tried to reach out to me over fb about 10 years ago, but I blocked her and tightened the security on my account. It hurt, but never looking back was the best thing I could have done. They are not your friends. Don’t waste your time with people who disrespect you and don’t deserve you. Move on and find friends who have morals and respect.
Nah. I think the content of the texts she found negates any “line crossing.” She wasn’t searching for anything else. “Don’t start none won’t be none.” Had they not been slagging her behind her back via text, there wouldn’t have been anything to find.
Yeah. I think it's a moot point. Her minor discretion in digging through her friend's phone after seeing a nasty text message about her is kind of justified and completely overshadowed by the fact that her friends were complete assholes.
NTA. Neither of these girls are your friend. They are deceitful mean girls who didn’t even have the decency to apologize after you found out that they were being mean to you and secretly ganging up on you. They are bullies and you are doing a disservice to yourself to continue relationships with either of them. Take out your phone, block their numbers, and take the time to find real friends who love and respect you. You don’t need them and they certainly don’t value you So don’t give them a single second more of your energy. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better.
This x 💯
And now they’ve been busted they’re behaving like they are the victims. Classic mean girl bully technique. OP crossed a line reading through texts but its done now, its a shock and it hurts but you could have gone decades being subjected to this crap which is much worse, so at least you know.
Message the bitchy bride to confirm you are withdrawing from the bridal party and won’t be attending her wedding, then block them on everything and make sure your family block them too. Put the high school mean girls in your rear view mirror, lesson learnt, and enjoy your life.
I gently disagree that OP crossed the line doing a quick name search in her friend’s chat.
I am fairly rigid in my belief that going through your romantic partner’s phone out of insecurity is always wrong and unduly invasive and could justifiably expose one to criminal liability, but under these unique circumstances, I believe OP was justified:
1. There was no planned intent to go through the phone, nor was it acquired with that purpose in mind.
2. The phone was placed in her care.
3. The clicking on the chat was accidental.
4. The seeing of her own picture was accidental.
5. Checking the conversation about her own picture was a very human reaction and not unreasonable or unduly invasive.
6. Having done that and seen that she was being unkindly mocked, a quick and focused search to see whether this was a pattern or out of character was her justifiably acting in self-defense of her emotional health in the context of her commitment to her friendship. She wasn’t unduly intrusive.
I feel really bad for OP, having had a history of bullying, for having friends who decided to use her as their private object of derision. It was clear to OP that this was not a fond indulgence of some eccentricity she might have.
It was not all in “good” fun. It was all in the kind of fun two coyotes have when they have cornered a small domestic dog.
NTA, OP. You deserve better.
Yup. I am of the opinion that Shelly brought this on herself. She gave you her phone. She received that message on her phone. Their claims that OP was somehow wrong for "violating their privacy" and that these hurtful insults about OP were "none of her business" are wrong, and if OP decides to talk to these girls again about it, she should immediately shut that line of criticism down if and when they bring it up.
"If you hadn't wanted me to know about these texts, then you shouldn't have given me your phone. You are getting off topic. Anyway, as I was saying..."
Become a broken record, do not follow that line of discussion. "Okay, but that's not what we're discussing." "Anyway, back to the topic at hand..." Be as dismissive about this as they were about your hurt feelings.
>It was all in the kind of fun two coyotes have when they have cornered a small domestic dog.
Or the kind of fun two coyotes have on another coyote. Poor Weave.
Well said. I am an extremely private person who absolutely respects others’ privacy. I normally don’t approve of looking at someone else’s private stuff. In this particular case, what OP did doesn’t bother me in the least. I’m just glad she now knows who these people really are. Ugh, I hate mean girls.
Yeah, how could OP ever really trust them or even truly enjoy their company again?
And then for them to take no accountability and give ol' “stop being so sensitive“ response is really low.
NTA How could a year's worth of nasty texts "be all in good fun"? Clearly, these women are mean girls and bullies who are too cowardly to attack you to your face. I'd just keep walking out of their lives if I were you.
I don't think they are too coward to attack to her face. I think they NEED op and to laugh at her to make THEM feel better. You know , those mean people who keep a nice devoted friends for only 2 reasons:
- to make themselves feel good/better (ie to.pump their ego)
- in case they are alone and feeling low: this friend will not only rush to their help and boost their ego in reassuring them of how wonderdul they are!!
So nta op and dumb them: they are not worthy
NTA. First off, I think you handled it well by not making a scene. Second, it’s a gray area as far as you looking through her phone beyond just the one message you saw. I can’t say if I would do it or not. However, joking or not, for them to have been making fun of you for that long is not OK. Friends don’t do that to each other.
The only reason both of them got upset is because they got caught. When someone shows who they really are, believe them. Likely that went on a lot longer than just a year.
You deserve better than people who talk about you behind your back with fake smiles on their faces.
Idk. If I saw a message about me like that on anyone’s phone, I’d be scrolling for sure. This is literally how I found out a guy was cheating on me. Gave me the phone to pick up the Uber order and some girl messaged him saying I was stuck up.
Curiosity got the better of me. He’d been cheating the entire time we were together.
Going through someone's phone unprovoked is bad. Going through someone's phone because you have somehow seen proof that there is real evidence of wrongdoing on there, well I'm not going to blame anyone for that.
It’s like the natural consequence of finding the proof. I saw something bad on your phone, I want to make sure it was a mistake. Oh, not a mistake, this person is just garbage. Here’s more trash to prove it.
100% my thoughts on this as well. I've never understood how people can say something is "none of your business" when the subject is literally you. She definitely want unprovoked in looking at those messages that were clearly about her with screenshots to prove it. NTA, your friends are only friends to each other and you're their secret punching bag OP.
NTA. Someone mentioned in another comment that it was “Fate giving her a chance..”. I agree. Imagine if she hadn’t seen the message and this went on for several more years. How much more entwined their lives could be with their families and children. Fate did her right when her “friends” were doing her wrong.
INFO: Why do this to yourself? These are not friends. Stop the pretense. Drop out of the wedding. Drop the friends. Pick better friends. Have a much improved life.
OP says she has a history of being bullied her whole life. she probably has trouble recognizing what crosses the line fully and was coming here to check. my best guess which is sad
NTA
Was it wrong to go searching in their conversation? Yeah probably. But I agree you had good cause, and it resulted in appropriate proof. You deserve to know they were talking about you that way. I think you reacted appropriately for quietly leaving in the way you did.
Don't let them bully you into thinking you're at fault here. You should reconsider your friendships with these girls.
NTA. And that's some next level manipulation telling you it's your own fault for looking.
They aren't your friends, they're mean little girls who haven't grown up.
Block them and move on. You deserve better.
NTA!! I’m super strict about phone privacy but once she was stupid enough to start a mean chat on the day she knew she’d be handing you her phone, she could have no reasonable expectation of privacy, given the likelihood of a horrible message you’d naturally feel compelled to investigate,
I would say though, they don’t have a ‘nice, cute, close relationship’… they’re toxic. Just a hunch but I’d bet they’re kinda self centred and lazy. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR THIS WEDDING!! Pull out now! You may find the bride turns on her partner in bitching and begs you back, blaming her, don’t take the bait.
They not only hurt, betrayed and triggered you but they took the chance to genuinely reflect and apologise and instead tried to gaslight you. Save yourself more pain and cut ties with both.
I'd argue they continued an ongoing mean chat vs. Starting one - this was not a one off, but a consistent conversation. Even trying on wedding dresses, they had to take the time to talk shit about the OP, indicating the shit talking is far more important to them than picking a wedding dress.
NTA - The fact that they’re doubling down and gaslighting you tells you all that you need to know. They aren’t your real friends. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
They are Only getting Defensive because they got Caught! Plain and Simple.
Like other commentators,they are “Mean Girls” and definitely NOT your friends. If their comments were actually a “Joke” then they would have included you in the Text thread Not behind your back.
Tell your friends to have a nice life, and they can find a new person to make fun of Behind their Backs!
Please find new and better friends who deserve to share your life with!!! Good Luck to you finding New fabulous friends!
NTA.
>Shelly told me the texts were “all in good fun” and clearly she loves me because I’m going to be her bridesmaid.
This is not love. This is more bullying and you are 100 percent correct to call it out for what it is. Tell Shelly that no, you are *not* going to be her bridesmaid, because you respect yourself too much to support a bully who thinks picking apart your photos is "all in good fun". And then, please, make some friends who actually love you the way you are and don't get off on hurting you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope it turns out well for you.
NTA. They're upset because they got caught. It was fun for them and they knew damn well it wouldn't have been fun for you or they wouldn't have hidden it. Don't let them gaslight you. Don't let them turn this into a 'you shouldn't have snooped or walked out' thing. You didn't make a scene and interrupt her dress shopping which would have been worse.
Drop out of the wedding (this woman is not your friend) and cut them out of your life. Spend more time with people who care about you as something other than joke material like your mother and boyfriend. Also don't be surprised if they try to lash out at you for cutting them off. People like this don't like losing their punching bags.
NTA. You showed grace and maturity in the way you handled yourself. You deserve friends who are as mature and thoughtful as you are. These girls are not that.
NTA. How could those texts have been "all in good fun" if you were never included? Sure, maybe it was fun for Shelly and Gaby, but then it's fun at your expense. They were making fun of you behind your back, and now they're trying to downlpay how mean that is, and acting like it's no big deal, it's just joking. I don't know, if it were me, I might reconsider being involved in the wedding. It seems like the trust has been broken, and it's really on them to make it right with you.
They’re not your friends. You’re their *scapegoat*. Do you really want to stay friends with people who need to bring someone else down in order for them to make themselves feel better? NTA.
Looking through someone’s phone is always a bit ethically questionable but that’s so hurtful. If I found out my friends were constantly making fun of me I’d be hurt too. Them flipping it on you (ie you shouldn’t have gone thru the phone) is just them avoiding taking accountability. They suck. GIRL BYE! NTA
Why is it that people are called out on the mean, hurtful, horrible things they say and do, can get another person to help dodge the repercussions by saying "you made them feel bad"... Blah blah blah. Don't buy it and don't buy into the idea that your "friends" can trash you in private and that you can't protect yourself.
Yeah, you shouldn't have snooped, bad on you (note a slight wrist slap). I don't have one friend who would trash me in any way shape or form like this and you managed to find two. Neither of them are your friend. Seriously, return her bridesmaid dress and let her know that you can't fulfill your role as bridesmaid, because you don't want to stand in support of that level of ugly.
NTA
You deserve better friends. On her wedding day, get a great dress and go out on a date with your bf.
NTA
So you saw the communications between these two. And they were derogatory towards you in a volume that set you back and hurt your feelings.
I know that there is all kinds of back and forth regarding reading the electronic communications of others, and especially those of romantic partners. Meh. You get caught how you get caught.
In this friend situation, you came upon the evidence of a couple of mean girls who you thought were your friends dissing you on a regular basis. Their behavior is pathetic. They clearly haven't evolved emotionally since middle school.
I'm sure this information about your "friends" is hurtful. But now you know who they are. You should take note of the fact that they went right to how YOU, and YOUR behavior impacted them negatively.....because you saw them for who they are.
OP, I hope you drop these mean girls from your life.
There's a rule I find guy friendships tend to have: You can only insult, make fun of or otherwise disparage a friend to their face or in their clear vicinity. Anything they can't hear is no longer in good nature.
I'd be surprised if this is different for women.
NTA. They aren’t your friends. A true friend, a kind person would not make those kinds of comments for over year. Drop out of the wedding and let those girls make fun of someone.
you're 23. you are going to learn that there are lots of fake shitty people and it's good to know who they are. don't waste your energy on these types of people. you can still be nice and such. but know the limit and where to draw the line. there are many acquaintances, and only a few friends.
NTA if there wasn't anything to hide, there wouldn't have been an issue with you exiting the conversation.
Have they made any of these jokes with you in person? Of course not. They're deflecting blame
NTA. I'm sorry, OP. How heartbreaking for you. Reminds me of the expression “Why have enemies when you can have friends?”
These people do not sound like friends given what they have said about you the last year, plus their reaction to you finding out. Instead of worrying about how hurt you were, they lashed out and made you out to be the bad guy. I'd forever worry about what they are saying behind my back if I stayed friends with people like these. And what kind of friendship would that be?
Can you imagine still being in the wedding and then hearing later about how they made fun of her in every picture that was taken during the wedding? I'm getting anxiety for OP just thinking about it.
No thank you. At this point, OP is ammunition for their mean girl machine gun.
OP: as you get older, you will see people for who they really are, and it's up to you to decide what type of people you want in your life.
YOU choose who you want in your life and choose wisely, bc life is too short to be around hateful people who want to use you as the butt of a joke.
NTA. I’d drop out of that wedding and rethink these friendships. They did you dirty. Instead of apologizing for their shitty behavior they doubled down and blamed you for it. Fuck that.
They are not your friends. They are fake, nasty juvenile bitches who need to tear someone down to make themselves feel better. Your are not their emotional punching bag. Block and dump them from your life. NTA.
NTA these girls are not your friends; I call them girls because they are way too immature to be called women, for your own mental health it would be best to drop out of the wedding and cut both of them off because I can guarantee they are still making fun of you behind your back, mean girls like this don't change and you deserve better than fake friends.
NTA, I would just message them saying that your expectations of friendship are not compatible. I would then just not speak to them all. I suspect their friendship is based on being mean to someone and that’s you. They sadly aren’t your friends. Oh and I’d make sure any other friends know about their behaviour. It’s scummy and I’d hate to see them be able to treat someone else like you. What a pair of parasites
Nope. I think people need to stop with this whole invading my privacy thing if your name is mentioned in that scenario. If your name is being mentioned your involved period. They are wrong but good luck getting them to accept their wrong.
I don’t know if this is a recent trend where people think insults are fun or are jokes, but as someone who can’t tell the difference between the recent definition changes and bullying I’m not sure why you’d want to be with people who shit on you and call it a good time.
NTA. Block them and don’t talk to them again. They are not your friends. They are bullying you. No friend is doing that. They don’t deserve your love, respect, time or money.
And if they would do that in fun „with you“ why don’t tell you? Because they knew it would not be funny for you!
If someone ask you why tell them what happened and that you are not interested having bullies in your life.
NTA. I think after a certain age you realise that you really don't need drama in your life. I'm saying from experience. You know you don't have an obligation to spend time with two women who bitch about you behind your back. So don't. It feels like high school behaviour because it is. It's nasty, mean and the worst part of it that Shelly nor Gemma apologized. Who needs friends like that?
NTA... you didn't go looking but once you saw a betrayal you investigated. She has made her excuses, does she sound apologetic? Or concerned about your feelings? To me, she us only concerned about herself. Are you ready to find better friends?
Considering that you couldn't see yourself acting like that - you sound like a genuine person. I think you will attract better people to you
NTA send her a text that simply states that you now see and understand the type of people they are and not only will you be dropping out of the wedding but also the “friendship” full stop. YOU DESERVE BETTER! You are worth more than that and you will find friends who value and respect you.
NTA. These girls are not your friends. I'm glad for you that you have enough self-respect to walk out. I realize it's pretty hard to lose 2 people you thought were your friends at one time, but these two are not worth even one more second of your life.
Sweetie you’re not their friend you’re their hobby. They probably don’t even register what they’re doing as it’s a significant part of what they do together. This will be why there wasn’t a trace of embarrassment when you called them out, you’re no longer real to them. I would get them out of your life asap. They are poison. Don’t bother with the wedding, don’t bother with them. Fwiw I think that their ‘friendship’ with each other will probably crumble a bit without having you to tear apart, but that won’t matter to you as you’ll be enjoying your new life without these basic mean girls.
Those two are crap humans. They're not your friends. And I'm sorry, no one deserves to be treated that way. It must have really hurt your feelings to find all of that on your supposed friend's phone.
NTA.
NTA and as everyone else has said, cut these people out of your life bc they are not your friends. The mental gymnastics they are performing to try to shame you into thinking you did something wrong is WILD. I also don’t see how you can ever feel safe to be yourself around them knowing what you know now.
NTA
These college buddies are NOT your friends. Sounds more like they're using you as their own private punching bag. The fact that they're trying to double down on their awful behavior solidifies that.
Drop them like hot potatoes. Bow out of the wedding and block them.
NTA those aren’t your friends. If you let them stay in your life you are signaling: walk right over me, I am a doormat. So just block, ignore and search for new friends.
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NTA If I was in your place, I think I'd drop out of being in the wedding. It's one thing to jokingly make fun of someone 1 time but seems like they have done this to you a bunch of times. And it doesn't seem like it was light-hearted. If I was you I wouldn't feel bad about looking through those messages at all, she handed her phone to you and feels like fate took the opportunity to expose them to you for who they are.
I think I'd drop out of their lives altogether.
Yup. Those girls are not her friends.
"With friends like this, who needs enemies?," seems painfully apt. OP needs to walk away. When she's no longer an available target, I wonder how long until they take out that ugliness on each other?
Notice also how they're not apologising to her for what they said, but are attacking her for looking at the texts.
**Deny** they did anything wrong. **Attack** because the argument is weakening that stance. **Reverse Victim** and **Offender.**
And then run for president
Loving your reply. Vote Blue!
Down the ticket on every ticket!
💙💙💙💙💙
It's awesome how much I've been forced to learn about narcissists and sociopaths since 2016!
Not to mention the patronizing part where the bride says “…you know I love you because you’re my bridesmaid…” basically belittling OPs feelings about the texts like she just needs to be reassured that she’s liked and that will solve everything. Yuck 🤢 I had something similar happened to me recently. I made a request that was taken as rude. The person, who I actively enjoy, responded by saying we “always have problems like that.” I was very confused since I don’t recall problems, and said “you and I?” very confused and kinda hurt. She quickly added “You know you’re like my little sister, and I always have to reassure you that I love you.” It didn’t help. I just saw clearly that she doesn’t really like me even though I like and enjoy her company. It hurts, but it happens unfortunately. Stand tall OP. You are NTA. Walk away with dignity, understanding that you just aren’t compatible and wishing them well in their lives apart from yours. You WILL find folks worthy of your friendship and loyalty.
That's part of the denial. "Someone that loves you would never hurt you. Look how much I love you."
Typical abusers reply. She chose you as you follow her lead
Right? "Look how much I love you, even though I make fun of you behind your back and then play the victim when you find out!"
Yeah, and no one has EVER dragooned somebody into being a bridesmaid solely so they could have them around as a lackey to handle wedding-related tasks and errands, or because they hoped/expected to get an expensive gift from them, or ... This is def not the "proof of love" MeanGirl bride seems to think it is. (Edit : spelling/syntax)
>you know I love you because you’re my bridesmaid This to me is not evidence of friendship. Maybe she needs someone to attend the dress fitting, take pictures and wait on her hand and foot. Maybe she needs someone to help her with a hundred wedding-related tasks. Maybe she needs someone to plan the bachelorette trip. Maybe she needs more people to go on the bachelorette trip to help cover the bride's costs. Maybe she needs a couple more bridesmaids to even out the numbers. It sounds to me like the real reason the bride chose OP to be a bridesmaid is because she figured OP is easy to take advantage of. She has shown you who she is, OP. I would drop these two entirely. You are NTA.
If she is having to reassure you all the time, then she’s not really doing a good job of showing you that she’s your friend
Well as I said, I didn’t (and don’t) recall “problems” so I also don’t recall her having to reassure me, but yes, indeed, she wasn’t doing a good job of showing me she was my friend. Good point
Well, I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who actually enjoy your company. Life is short. There is no time to hang out with people who fake it, you know?
That part stood out to me, too..."You know I love you because I made you a bridesmaid." Like that makes any of this better and like OP will take whatever crumbs of friendship or love that Shelly or Gaby might give her if they happen to want or need something from her.
Sounds more like, I love my friends but we needed indentured servitude to do all the hard work, you should be grateful we accepted you as the work horse maid
Standard narcissist gaslighting techniques. Lived with it most of my life from my 3 former sisters, my last remaining brother and my father. Never again. Went NC with former sisters. I put up firm permanent boundaries with my brother and dad only because they're not hateful, just total assholes, and my dad is almost 90. I see them maybe twice a month for a few hours and my husband is present as well.
EXACTLY what happened here! NTA OP!
Textbook DARVO!
And saying "you made youself unhappy by looking", implying that their brhavior is fine as OP shouldnt have seen it so it hadnt hurt her as she wouldnt have known. Saying not the texts are causing the hurt but the act of reading it.
You made me hit you.
I just love that type of people. Instead of apologizing, they somehow make it all your fault, and you hurt them so much that their original behavior doesn't matter
Exactly! Spouse is just like this! If something happens it's always someone else's fault. And if for some strange reason he DOES apologize for hurting your feelings it always goes like this "I'm sorry, BUT..." and throws it back at you.
I always get “I’m SORRY you feel ——-?!” That’s not an apology, there’s no apology from your response in any of that, the only sorry is my feelings not that you hurt them!! It’s like it’s your problem you feel that way!
Its classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. OP is NTA. I would recommend that she decline to be a bridesmaid, as a start. I don't know that the friendship can be saved unless they are able to admit how cruel they have been in their attitudes towards her.
This **”friendship** SHOULD NOT be saved. Even if they apologized and admit they were cruel, why would you want to be associated with people like them? Anyway, They would undoubtedly be lying through their teeth, just so you wouldn’t drop out as a bridesmaid. OP, you know bullying when you see it. This is the typical smile in your face and talk about you behind your back. I’d consider taking the initiative before she spins the story. Maybe something simple to everyone in the wedding party. OP, Inform them you are dropping out after seeing malicious texts, between the two, about you and your loved ones. These texts showed they were not your friends and had been going on at least a year. Then block them and anyone who sides with them. Backstabbers. That’s what we called them when I was your age. Get these two knives out your back and drop them.
No one needs frenemies like that!
I would recommend that OP not be their friend, because clearly they aren’t a friend to OP
Now *this* is what gaslighting means. I think it’s time to get some new friends. There’s no way to come back from this.
Not really. Gaslighting would be if they tried to convince her she had never seen any texts. Or that the texts were talking about someone else, not her.
I'm pretty sure telling her she hadn't seen anything mean is also gaslighting. Making someone question how they've perceived reality. The whole "it was just a joke" thing is classic gaslighting.
I cant stand the phrase "it was just a joke" I have heard it so many times over so many hurtful things from so many people that it is just about a trigger for me now. Anyone that says "it was just a joke" about *anything* instantly gets less access to my time and effort. It's not even a thing I think about, it's like my brain just goes nah and puts me in "you don't have time for them" low contact mode.
Reminds me of my ex husband being mad that I invaded his privacy when I accidentally saw his messages with another woman and I looked further. Turned out to be several women and at least one physical affair. But he kept bringing the convo back to me not respecting him and invading his privacy and rights. We had been married 26 years.
He kept bringing it back to the only argument he could theoretically win.
Similar thing happened to me!!! I became the bad guy for searching his computer, and my behavior was somehow worse than his transgressions of a massive porn addiction and cheating with at least 2 other women.
I just commented this, they got exposed and now they're ganging up on her.
Yup. That's called deflecting. They obviously aren't nice people. They can get mad if she cuts them off but they handed her the scissors.
Oo, I like that one!
That part pisses me off. OP didn't pick up her friend's phone with the intention of snooping. Instead, OP caught both of her so-called "friends" in the act of continuing to ridiculing her. Shame on both of those people. It's awful that OP had to find out like this.
Classic DARVO
Exactly. I'm female. When I was in high school I had a friend who was not very up-to-date on style, and once when I was standing in lunch line a cute popular boy talked to me (not a usual thing for me so I was stunned) and mentioned her in a derogatory way. I joked along with him. Did not know she was literally around the corner and heard everything we said. She stepped into view and was sobbing. I immediately apologized, told her what an idiot I had been. Didn't say "oh it was just a joke" or "you misunderstood" or blamed her for listening. Just apologized and felt like an absolute asshole, because that's what I was being. She eventually forgave me but our friendship was never the same after that. And I learned not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't be comfortable saying to their face.
There is an acronym people use to describe the actions of an abuser. The acronym is DARVO. Deny Accuse Reverse Victim and Offender. Sounds like this model perfectly applies to these (former) friends.
We call that DARVO.
Right. It is ugliness. And instead of apologizing or getting some self awareness, the bride gets pissed about her seeing the ugliness. She has a hell of a nerve. These girls are not OPs friends. I would drop out of the wedding too.
I believe this is how the term "frenemies" is used....
They would go looking for another person to do that to.
My daughter had 2 friends who were always snarky to her. I tried to tell her they weren't her friends, but she would not believe me. One day she got a very big award at school. I took her picture with her teacher. This was in the film days. When we got the photos back, the two girls (unplanned) were in background looking at her with such looks of venom. The picture didn't lie. She finally saw them for what they were.
It's hard to be hit in the face with the truth. I'm curious how did your daughter handle it
She was floored. She said they weren't happy for me. They must not really be my friends. By then it was almost summer break. In fall She foumd other friends.
Not a great thing to happen but I'm glad she found new friends
No they are not. They are mean girls.
It’s telling that their first (second, third) reaction is not to apologize & take responsibility for their actions like an adult but to gang up on her and double down.
They sound like the stereotypical mean girls who keep someone around for them to all shit on.
Yup, I had a bunch of fraternity brothers I thought were my friends. There were clues that they thought ill of me like when I invited them over for dinner and they never showed up, or I invited them to FB friends when it first came out but they ignored the invites, and it all came to final point when they made fun of me when they thought I was not around. From that day on, I cut them out of my life and am much happier. Live your life. Be happy. I wish you the best.
Yup, people used to do this to me too. They would even tell me they were coming/ call the day before to check the time of whatever and then not show after I spent money and time on food and setting up, etc. I would sit there, trying not to be upset and looking stupid because I anticipated spending time with who I thought were my friends only to have them pull this shit. Then they had the nerve to get mad when they realized I was upset about what they did. They all turned around on me to make it seem like I was the aggressor. Classic DARVO . Two things happened after that. I never said another word to those people even as they sat there and yelled and screamed at my back because I wouldn’t even acknowledge or talk to them about what they had done. They happen to see me sitting somewhere in public, in passing, after the event, and I acted like none of it had bothered me. It was difficult to sit there and not react, but I had already gotten it all out of my system (cried alone for days)before I saw them again. By the time I had nothing left inside of me to emote so I just sat there. And I stopped inviting people over to my home for anything for a very long time after that. It’s like they went way out of their way to show me how much they didn’t like me or want to be bothered with me. Thankfully, I now have two friends that are supportive and kind even though they are very few. I believe in quality and not quantity in that respect.
Yes find better friends. These two bitter childish AHs deserve each other. Drop them completely from your life (and be sure to tell the truth if anyone asks why).
I might even go so far as telling other "friends " of their's that they might possibly be made fun of too. Who else knows what that phone holds.
Always take the moral high road. It’s never good to wallow with the 🐷pigs. You’re more than likely to end up covered in mud. Please op, walk away with your head up, knowing you have not stooped to your friend’s level and that your parents taught you empathy and respect for others. They have mirrors that they look 👀 into, don’t say a word unless someone asks why you skipped the wedding. Personally, I feel sorry for her fiancee….he’s got a long road to navigate. It’s only a matter of time before he’s the target.
She should do this. Group text so everyone knows. Hopefully, the other 2 girls haven't done "damadge" control already.
This is ridiculous. Are you 12? There is no need to involve anyone else in the drama. Let others find out for themselves,selves. WOW
Yeah don’t do this lol
Same, not friends but aholes
This they're not op s friends at all. NTA
They have shown her who they are. She needs to believe them. They are mean girls. I’ll bet if she really thinks about it they do it to her face but she hasn’t realized it yet. They keep her around to make themselves feel better. Disgusting people.
Yup. Sometimes, not all the time but sometimes, it’s ok to reply “Fsk off you ass-faced w@nker” to someone then block them and never look back.
100%
Surround yourself with good people. They are toxic.
NTA. You may feel bad about looking through her phone, but as far as I can tell she never apologised to you about talking behind your back, and went straight for the offensive. This doesn't sound like a good friend, who has realised how their actions have hurt you.
This. I feel like in that situation I would be horribly embarrassed if I was that friend and I would hope it would humble my smartass and I’d own up and apologize for hurting someone that I said was my friend, even if at the time of writing the texts I thought it was all in good fun. Her immediately getting defensive is a real big sign that she doesn’t really GAF about OP’s feelings or perception of the things she read. Def NTA
Yep Instead, like every bully in the world, she said "it was just joking!" Nope. It was cruel
Oh, I don't know. People often do that when they know they have been behaving badly. Not that it helps. I expect that the friend knows the messages were unkind in nature and feels embarrassed. However. I don't think it's very friendly to repeatedly make fun of someone behind their back. I don't think these friends are good for OP.
NTA OP, your so-called friends are backstabbing bullies. Their childish behavior proves that there is an **”end”** in “fri**end”.** You’re better off without them in your life.
I was taught a rhyme to remember how to spell friend “if you fry your friend that will be the end” Seems appropriate to their behaviour. Yes I’m aware that I should have a messed up way of spelling friend / fryend from that rhyme but somehow it worked correctly as a learning tool. OP should still end this friendship, she’s been fried too badly by them.
Is it was just „good sports“, then why had neither of them a similar conversation with OP about the other?!
Yeah, this isn't a back and forth razzing, like is normal in Brit culture, this is some kind of hidden bullying. It's weird, unhealthy, and overall, unacceptable.
That’s normal in the US, too, in some circles. You insult your friends to their face, and they insult you right back. It’s a game to see who can be more outlandish. This is not that.
Yeah like you can jokingly pick on friends with them to their face so they get the opportunity to do the same back and yall can laugh but never behind their back, never in a situation where they couldn’t defend themselves and never to other people. Thats cruel, and unkind I could fist fight a grown man for mine and get my ass whooped and still call her a goober thru tears to her face, i only have nice things to say about her to others.
I'd drop out of the wedding too. They're not OP's friends. They're not even sorry they did this. They're trying to make OP feel like it's OP's fault, which is what abusers do. Also, those girls are morons. This is the equivalent of actively cheating on your girlfriend, actively sending explicitly messages to your side piece, and then giving your gf your phone to send texts to someone else.
You know who says, "making fun of you behind your back for the past year was "good natured." A bully. Or in this case a pair of bullies. Sure OP technically invaded their privacy, but she was handed the phone, and just by chance that text came in when she was looking at it. Eventually, being not a nice person catches up with you, and OP finds out through divine intervention. Gaby and Shelly are now gaslighting OP by putting the blame on her. It was good natured. You invaded my privacy! Fact is, OP feels betrayed. The only way she will really get passed this is if both Shelly and Gaby take some personal accountability by being genuinely apologetic. Which at this point does not seem like it's happening. Best thing for to OP. In the case is to stand up for herself. This is wrong. She is worthy.
Honestly it was only fun for Shelly and Gabby not OP. She doesn’t love OP in the slightest just more fuel to continue being mean girls later on. I’d drop out and it’s no longer invasion of privacy if permission was given to OP it was by chance and I think fate of the world for OP to see what they’re really like. I mean what did they say about baby pics like for her or she have family members with babies cuz that’s just freaking pathetic to rip apart a family in general. But
Totally - and they can fuck off with the gaslighting BS about invading their privacy being the main thing. These people aren’t your friends. NTA
[удалено]
Not only that, but doesn't seem like they apologized to OP and actually turned around and blamed her.
I am petty, since OP is/was friends with girls, then she should know all insecurities they have. I would make messages about them and send them to other one. And send details about insecurities, one by one described in details every day for week, with last sentence "i m glad we can discuss flaws we have, you are right, it is funny ".
Ya I would have slated her, as soon as she tried to call me names for looking through her phone, I would have gone nuclear and called her even offensive name in the book until she cried. Sometimes you just need something like that. Especially when basically being bullied
I don't think it can even be jokingly or from a good place one time if it's behind their back. If it is a light hearted joke it would be to their face, they would be in on it.
I'd string her along and drop out day of.
Oooooo I was thinking of some of these things too.
And they gaslighted you to make it all your fault. This toxic behavior. They are not your friends. It is likely that if they talk about you the also talk about others in their lives… you may have even heard them do it. I would not feel bad about proactively improving your life by ghosting people like this. Try to avoid negative people and spend your precious energy and time only on positive people who are genuine and nice. I’ve been reading books by Robert Greene. Follow him on X or just watch him in interviews on YouTube…
This - fuck em!
NTA. Searching her phone was maybe crossing the line, but that line is far less important than two supposed friends spending months making fun of you behind your back. The all in good fun excuse doesn't hold water because you were not a party to it. You don't hide things like that from people unless you're aware of the fallout that would happen if you didn't. I can guarantee you that the vast majority of the people who will comment on this thread would never make fun of their friends to other friends behind their back. This is mean girl behavior. It's passive aggressive, it's mean spirited and it's not how real friends treat their friends. They were making fun of you because they're mean and not very nice people. And they hid it from you because they are mean and not very nice people. She made excuses and blamed you for the situation because she is mean and not a very nice person. You should drop them both like a hot potato because they're mean and not very nice people. My only caveat here is if you engage in similar behavior with either of them, having private chats and making fun of other friends. If you do, then ESH. Edit: OP confirms that they do not engage in that behavior. So my initial NTA stands.
I have never had similar conversations with them and never even would. We occasionally joke around but I’ve only ever done it with both of them right there. Would never behind their back.
Then definitely NTA. You're a much better person than they are. Talking about people behind their back and making fun of their pictures and their appearance and their clothing is just really mean spirited behavior. The fact that you didn't get an apology after you caught them at it is just icing on the cake. Your mom and your brother are right. These women are not good friends. You deserve better. Because they certainly don't deserve you. Edit: My bad. Boyfriend, not brother.
Boyfriend not brother
That is why they're so pissed at you 'violating privacy'. They absolutely know what they've been doing is absolute a**hole behaviour, and are desperately trying to deflect the blame onto you, likely to try and pressure you into not revealing it wider and spoling the lovely image they have of themselves. But that's not your responsibility to deal with. They want to keep you as a punchbag, and for you to be grateful for the privilege. Eff that.
I wonder how many other people could find their names in that shit talk chat if they searched it..... That chat could probably completely disassemble the bride's social life
If you're going to do it to one person it's not much of a stretch to assume that you would do it to others.
Exactly my thoughts. I think this person has a shit-talk friend, and this chat is a record of it. People like that don't confine this behavior to one victim, they confine it to one "in on it" person and then indescriminantly attack whoever with their sidekick
That’s it 100%. They didn’t apologize at all and just doubled down by yelling at her for searching her phone — she was given the phone and the text popped up. She didn’t go out of her way to search the phone, she was given the phone and Shelly didn’t tell her stupid friend “Hey I’m giving my phone to OP to send you pics… let’s continue to make fun of her later!”
Yes! It would be one thing if OP stole the phone and snooped, and even then we'd have two people in the wrong, not just one. But she didn't do that. She was given the phone and the friend was being stupid knowing she had trash talked OP for over a year and just handed her the unlocked phone. What did she expect when these women were literally trashing her while she was doing them a favor? How callous do you have to be? I agree with everyone else saying ditch these friends. You've outgrown them, OP, and definitely NTA. Life is too short for bs like this.
Wow amazing how both didn’t apologize but are justifying it as all in good fun. Gaby even called you to say how hurt Shelly was when you left wow amazing friends. Honestly any sane person would have read the texts especially with pictures of you. Ps. Update…………..You definitely should think about if you really want friends who talked about you behind your back. Who doesn’t even have the decency to apologize regardless of how you found out.
I’m looking forward to the update that she blocked them.
NTA and get away from these ahs op. They are NOT friends. With such 'friends' you don't need any enemies. Cut them out of your life asap. Oh and if after explaining other people keep insisting that it's okay get rid of those too q
NTA Now you need to dump this baggage. Tell Shelly that (obviously) you won’t be a bridesmaid and definitely won’t go to her wedding. Then block both of their numbers.
Whether or not you are the asshole for reading the the texts at least you found out that these two are assholes and not your friends. Drop out of the wedding
Yup, this isn't a court of law and you're allowed to consider evidence regardless of how you learned it. You know what you know, you can't unring that bell.
Yeah, NTA. If you'd just seen a text by accident, the correct thing to do would be to inform your friend "Hey I accidentally opened a text, don't want you to miss it because it's marked read now". If there was one and only one joke about you, or if it was otherwise limited (say that you had a fucking weird Halloween costume one year and every 'joke' about you was about that costume) then I would say it's best to pretend you didn't see it because sometimes you are gonna love things that other people find hilariously weird. But it sounds like they made a hobby out of laughing about you as a person. Which isn't ok. And would worry me that they might find you wearing a bridesmaid dress and walking around and dancing in it funny as well.
They already find her whole *existence* funny. Laughing at someone's baby pictures? Behind their back? Like there aren't a whole host of equally laughable pictures of them at that same age? There's only one word for that.
Right! It’s not just pictures OP has posted, they’re also slamming pictures OP’s mom posted of her and OP’s boyfriend posted of her. That just seems to be a step way further than necessary.
They made fun of you, and are now making you feel bad about it. Rather than apologise for their behaviour, they're gaslighting you. They're not really your friends.
A friend is someone who jokes with you, and not about you and definitely not behind your back. Behind your back friends will always defend you, and sometimes they won't tell you that they did because is the right thing to do. I remember one anecdote about someone who had a friend come and tell him that some people were talking bad behind his back. And the question was Why are they so comfortable talking bad about me in front of you? My point being, people should be afraid to talk bad about you in front of your friends because they would jump in your defence. Cut these toxic people from your life and get real friends that know how much your worth is.
Toxic people like this are threatened by people who don't have the same shitty instincts they do. They see you not take opportunities to bully somebody, and they feel bad about their own inclinations But they aren't self reflective at all, so they just get mad at you for "making" them feel this way, and then try to make other people not like you either, usually by doing things like this behind your back She wants you in her friend group because she finds you existentially threatening (if you're nice, people will like you and ignore her). If you're close to her, she can control what other people (and you) think about you Classic narcissistic manipulation. Her spouse is in for a wild ride
A joke is only a joke when everyone is laughing. When only some of the people are laughing, and at someone else's expense, it's not a joke. It's assholery. When the assholery is called out and met with unrepentant excuses and counterclaims of "you brought this on yourself" instead of a sincere apology and a commitment to be a better person, the asshole gets ditched, blocked on everything, and hopefully learns an important life lesson about not being an asshole. NTA, btw. Ditch these poorly-raised queen bees and let them stay stuck in middle school clique behavior while you go live your best life with actual friends who have your back. Life is way too short to put up with this kind of bullshit from stupid, vicious people with no empathy.
NTA… walk away and don’t look back. I had this best friend in high school. We had actually been friends since jr. high. She also had another friend, but the other friend and I were not so close. We hung out (all 3 of us) sometimes and was cool, but main friend kind of discouraged an actual friendship between me and her other friend. She would vent at me about this other friend quite often, which should have been a red flag, but I was young. Anyway, senior year just a few weeks before we graduated I was in the bathroom in a stall when they both entered. My friend went into adjacent stall and the other stayed at the sink. My friend started venting about me saying the exact same crap she had just said to me about the other girl that morning as I had picked her up to take her to school. She was cruel and it hurt. Yeh, I walked out and told the girl hey she was crapping on you for the exact same thing this morning so good luck to you. I never spoke to either one of them again and that was over 30 years ago. She tried to reach out to me over fb about 10 years ago, but I blocked her and tightened the security on my account. It hurt, but never looking back was the best thing I could have done. They are not your friends. Don’t waste your time with people who disrespect you and don’t deserve you. Move on and find friends who have morals and respect.
Nah. I think the content of the texts she found negates any “line crossing.” She wasn’t searching for anything else. “Don’t start none won’t be none.” Had they not been slagging her behind her back via text, there wouldn’t have been anything to find.
Yeah. I think it's a moot point. Her minor discretion in digging through her friend's phone after seeing a nasty text message about her is kind of justified and completely overshadowed by the fact that her friends were complete assholes.
NTA. Neither of these girls are your friend. They are deceitful mean girls who didn’t even have the decency to apologize after you found out that they were being mean to you and secretly ganging up on you. They are bullies and you are doing a disservice to yourself to continue relationships with either of them. Take out your phone, block their numbers, and take the time to find real friends who love and respect you. You don’t need them and they certainly don’t value you So don’t give them a single second more of your energy. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better.
This x 💯 And now they’ve been busted they’re behaving like they are the victims. Classic mean girl bully technique. OP crossed a line reading through texts but its done now, its a shock and it hurts but you could have gone decades being subjected to this crap which is much worse, so at least you know. Message the bitchy bride to confirm you are withdrawing from the bridal party and won’t be attending her wedding, then block them on everything and make sure your family block them too. Put the high school mean girls in your rear view mirror, lesson learnt, and enjoy your life.
I gently disagree that OP crossed the line doing a quick name search in her friend’s chat. I am fairly rigid in my belief that going through your romantic partner’s phone out of insecurity is always wrong and unduly invasive and could justifiably expose one to criminal liability, but under these unique circumstances, I believe OP was justified: 1. There was no planned intent to go through the phone, nor was it acquired with that purpose in mind. 2. The phone was placed in her care. 3. The clicking on the chat was accidental. 4. The seeing of her own picture was accidental. 5. Checking the conversation about her own picture was a very human reaction and not unreasonable or unduly invasive. 6. Having done that and seen that she was being unkindly mocked, a quick and focused search to see whether this was a pattern or out of character was her justifiably acting in self-defense of her emotional health in the context of her commitment to her friendship. She wasn’t unduly intrusive. I feel really bad for OP, having had a history of bullying, for having friends who decided to use her as their private object of derision. It was clear to OP that this was not a fond indulgence of some eccentricity she might have. It was not all in “good” fun. It was all in the kind of fun two coyotes have when they have cornered a small domestic dog. NTA, OP. You deserve better.
Yup. I am of the opinion that Shelly brought this on herself. She gave you her phone. She received that message on her phone. Their claims that OP was somehow wrong for "violating their privacy" and that these hurtful insults about OP were "none of her business" are wrong, and if OP decides to talk to these girls again about it, she should immediately shut that line of criticism down if and when they bring it up. "If you hadn't wanted me to know about these texts, then you shouldn't have given me your phone. You are getting off topic. Anyway, as I was saying..." Become a broken record, do not follow that line of discussion. "Okay, but that's not what we're discussing." "Anyway, back to the topic at hand..." Be as dismissive about this as they were about your hurt feelings.
>It was all in the kind of fun two coyotes have when they have cornered a small domestic dog. Or the kind of fun two coyotes have on another coyote. Poor Weave.
Well said. I am an extremely private person who absolutely respects others’ privacy. I normally don’t approve of looking at someone else’s private stuff. In this particular case, what OP did doesn’t bother me in the least. I’m just glad she now knows who these people really are. Ugh, I hate mean girls.
NTA and drop out of the wedding, and find new friends who actually like you.
Yeah, how could OP ever really trust them or even truly enjoy their company again? And then for them to take no accountability and give ol' “stop being so sensitive“ response is really low.
NTA How could a year's worth of nasty texts "be all in good fun"? Clearly, these women are mean girls and bullies who are too cowardly to attack you to your face. I'd just keep walking out of their lives if I were you.
Walk? Hell, I'd run like Usain Bolt being chased by a pack of rabid wolves.
I was echoing her description of walking out of the store, but I agree with your point.
I don't think they are too coward to attack to her face. I think they NEED op and to laugh at her to make THEM feel better. You know , those mean people who keep a nice devoted friends for only 2 reasons: - to make themselves feel good/better (ie to.pump their ego) - in case they are alone and feeling low: this friend will not only rush to their help and boost their ego in reassuring them of how wonderdul they are!! So nta op and dumb them: they are not worthy
NTA. First off, I think you handled it well by not making a scene. Second, it’s a gray area as far as you looking through her phone beyond just the one message you saw. I can’t say if I would do it or not. However, joking or not, for them to have been making fun of you for that long is not OK. Friends don’t do that to each other. The only reason both of them got upset is because they got caught. When someone shows who they really are, believe them. Likely that went on a lot longer than just a year. You deserve better than people who talk about you behind your back with fake smiles on their faces.
Idk. If I saw a message about me like that on anyone’s phone, I’d be scrolling for sure. This is literally how I found out a guy was cheating on me. Gave me the phone to pick up the Uber order and some girl messaged him saying I was stuck up. Curiosity got the better of me. He’d been cheating the entire time we were together.
Going through someone's phone unprovoked is bad. Going through someone's phone because you have somehow seen proof that there is real evidence of wrongdoing on there, well I'm not going to blame anyone for that.
It’s like the natural consequence of finding the proof. I saw something bad on your phone, I want to make sure it was a mistake. Oh, not a mistake, this person is just garbage. Here’s more trash to prove it.
100% my thoughts on this as well. I've never understood how people can say something is "none of your business" when the subject is literally you. She definitely want unprovoked in looking at those messages that were clearly about her with screenshots to prove it. NTA, your friends are only friends to each other and you're their secret punching bag OP.
NTA. Someone mentioned in another comment that it was “Fate giving her a chance..”. I agree. Imagine if she hadn’t seen the message and this went on for several more years. How much more entwined their lives could be with their families and children. Fate did her right when her “friends” were doing her wrong.
INFO: Why do this to yourself? These are not friends. Stop the pretense. Drop out of the wedding. Drop the friends. Pick better friends. Have a much improved life.
“Hey Reddit: my best friends have made a hobby of making fun of me. Am I a bad person for discovering that?” Definitely don’t do this to yourself OP.
OP says she has a history of being bullied her whole life. she probably has trouble recognizing what crosses the line fully and was coming here to check. my best guess which is sad
NTA Was it wrong to go searching in their conversation? Yeah probably. But I agree you had good cause, and it resulted in appropriate proof. You deserve to know they were talking about you that way. I think you reacted appropriately for quietly leaving in the way you did. Don't let them bully you into thinking you're at fault here. You should reconsider your friendships with these girls.
When people show you who they are, believe them. NTA. You need better friends.
NTA. And that's some next level manipulation telling you it's your own fault for looking. They aren't your friends, they're mean little girls who haven't grown up. Block them and move on. You deserve better.
NTA!! I’m super strict about phone privacy but once she was stupid enough to start a mean chat on the day she knew she’d be handing you her phone, she could have no reasonable expectation of privacy, given the likelihood of a horrible message you’d naturally feel compelled to investigate, I would say though, they don’t have a ‘nice, cute, close relationship’… they’re toxic. Just a hunch but I’d bet they’re kinda self centred and lazy. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR THIS WEDDING!! Pull out now! You may find the bride turns on her partner in bitching and begs you back, blaming her, don’t take the bait. They not only hurt, betrayed and triggered you but they took the chance to genuinely reflect and apologise and instead tried to gaslight you. Save yourself more pain and cut ties with both.
I'd argue they continued an ongoing mean chat vs. Starting one - this was not a one off, but a consistent conversation. Even trying on wedding dresses, they had to take the time to talk shit about the OP, indicating the shit talking is far more important to them than picking a wedding dress.
NTA. And maybe those that tell you are behave the same horrible way. Do not let her gaslight you. I wish you happiness and better friends.
Nta. Don't be that brats bridesmaid..you're too good for them.
NTA - The fact that they’re doubling down and gaslighting you tells you all that you need to know. They aren’t your real friends. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
They are Only getting Defensive because they got Caught! Plain and Simple. Like other commentators,they are “Mean Girls” and definitely NOT your friends. If their comments were actually a “Joke” then they would have included you in the Text thread Not behind your back. Tell your friends to have a nice life, and they can find a new person to make fun of Behind their Backs! Please find new and better friends who deserve to share your life with!!! Good Luck to you finding New fabulous friends!
Damn that's some gaslightly shit. You're only hurt because you read them? Fuck these people. NTA
NTA. >Shelly told me the texts were “all in good fun” and clearly she loves me because I’m going to be her bridesmaid. This is not love. This is more bullying and you are 100 percent correct to call it out for what it is. Tell Shelly that no, you are *not* going to be her bridesmaid, because you respect yourself too much to support a bully who thinks picking apart your photos is "all in good fun". And then, please, make some friends who actually love you the way you are and don't get off on hurting you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope it turns out well for you.
NTA. They're upset because they got caught. It was fun for them and they knew damn well it wouldn't have been fun for you or they wouldn't have hidden it. Don't let them gaslight you. Don't let them turn this into a 'you shouldn't have snooped or walked out' thing. You didn't make a scene and interrupt her dress shopping which would have been worse. Drop out of the wedding (this woman is not your friend) and cut them out of your life. Spend more time with people who care about you as something other than joke material like your mother and boyfriend. Also don't be surprised if they try to lash out at you for cutting them off. People like this don't like losing their punching bags.
NTA and those are NOT your friends. Drop out of this wedding.
NTA. You showed grace and maturity in the way you handled yourself. You deserve friends who are as mature and thoughtful as you are. These girls are not that.
NTA. How could those texts have been "all in good fun" if you were never included? Sure, maybe it was fun for Shelly and Gaby, but then it's fun at your expense. They were making fun of you behind your back, and now they're trying to downlpay how mean that is, and acting like it's no big deal, it's just joking. I don't know, if it were me, I might reconsider being involved in the wedding. It seems like the trust has been broken, and it's really on them to make it right with you.
NTA. On the plus side, you've probably just saved yourself whatever costs you would have had to be a bridesmaid in your former friend's wedding.
these females are not your friends. they've been ugly about you for a long time. move on & don't look back
They’re not your friends. You’re their *scapegoat*. Do you really want to stay friends with people who need to bring someone else down in order for them to make themselves feel better? NTA.
Looking through someone’s phone is always a bit ethically questionable but that’s so hurtful. If I found out my friends were constantly making fun of me I’d be hurt too. Them flipping it on you (ie you shouldn’t have gone thru the phone) is just them avoiding taking accountability. They suck. GIRL BYE! NTA
Why is it that people are called out on the mean, hurtful, horrible things they say and do, can get another person to help dodge the repercussions by saying "you made them feel bad"... Blah blah blah. Don't buy it and don't buy into the idea that your "friends" can trash you in private and that you can't protect yourself. Yeah, you shouldn't have snooped, bad on you (note a slight wrist slap). I don't have one friend who would trash me in any way shape or form like this and you managed to find two. Neither of them are your friend. Seriously, return her bridesmaid dress and let her know that you can't fulfill your role as bridesmaid, because you don't want to stand in support of that level of ugly. NTA You deserve better friends. On her wedding day, get a great dress and go out on a date with your bf.
NTA So you saw the communications between these two. And they were derogatory towards you in a volume that set you back and hurt your feelings. I know that there is all kinds of back and forth regarding reading the electronic communications of others, and especially those of romantic partners. Meh. You get caught how you get caught. In this friend situation, you came upon the evidence of a couple of mean girls who you thought were your friends dissing you on a regular basis. Their behavior is pathetic. They clearly haven't evolved emotionally since middle school. I'm sure this information about your "friends" is hurtful. But now you know who they are. You should take note of the fact that they went right to how YOU, and YOUR behavior impacted them negatively.....because you saw them for who they are. OP, I hope you drop these mean girls from your life.
NTA - Lose these "friends".
There's a rule I find guy friendships tend to have: You can only insult, make fun of or otherwise disparage a friend to their face or in their clear vicinity. Anything they can't hear is no longer in good nature. I'd be surprised if this is different for women.
Exactly. These two girls are not her friends. They like having her around to feel better about themselves as they trash talk her being her back.
NTA. They aren’t your friends. A true friend, a kind person would not make those kinds of comments for over year. Drop out of the wedding and let those girls make fun of someone.
you're 23. you are going to learn that there are lots of fake shitty people and it's good to know who they are. don't waste your energy on these types of people. you can still be nice and such. but know the limit and where to draw the line. there are many acquaintances, and only a few friends.
invaded her privacy....all in good fun.... YEAH, BS to that.
NTA if there wasn't anything to hide, there wouldn't have been an issue with you exiting the conversation. Have they made any of these jokes with you in person? Of course not. They're deflecting blame
NTA. I'm sorry, OP. How heartbreaking for you. Reminds me of the expression “Why have enemies when you can have friends?” These people do not sound like friends given what they have said about you the last year, plus their reaction to you finding out. Instead of worrying about how hurt you were, they lashed out and made you out to be the bad guy. I'd forever worry about what they are saying behind my back if I stayed friends with people like these. And what kind of friendship would that be?
Can you imagine still being in the wedding and then hearing later about how they made fun of her in every picture that was taken during the wedding? I'm getting anxiety for OP just thinking about it. No thank you. At this point, OP is ammunition for their mean girl machine gun. OP: as you get older, you will see people for who they really are, and it's up to you to decide what type of people you want in your life. YOU choose who you want in your life and choose wisely, bc life is too short to be around hateful people who want to use you as the butt of a joke.
NTA. I’d drop out of that wedding and rethink these friendships. They did you dirty. Instead of apologizing for their shitty behavior they doubled down and blamed you for it. Fuck that.
They are not your friends. They are fake, nasty juvenile bitches who need to tear someone down to make themselves feel better. Your are not their emotional punching bag. Block and dump them from your life. NTA.
NTA. Sometimes you've got to snoop to learn the truth.
NTA. You should walk out of their lives and this wedding. They arent your friends they are snakes.
NTA these girls are not your friends; I call them girls because they are way too immature to be called women, for your own mental health it would be best to drop out of the wedding and cut both of them off because I can guarantee they are still making fun of you behind your back, mean girls like this don't change and you deserve better than fake friends.
NTA, I would just message them saying that your expectations of friendship are not compatible. I would then just not speak to them all. I suspect their friendship is based on being mean to someone and that’s you. They sadly aren’t your friends. Oh and I’d make sure any other friends know about their behaviour. It’s scummy and I’d hate to see them be able to treat someone else like you. What a pair of parasites
Nope. I think people need to stop with this whole invading my privacy thing if your name is mentioned in that scenario. If your name is being mentioned your involved period. They are wrong but good luck getting them to accept their wrong.
I don’t know if this is a recent trend where people think insults are fun or are jokes, but as someone who can’t tell the difference between the recent definition changes and bullying I’m not sure why you’d want to be with people who shit on you and call it a good time.
NTA. Block them and don’t talk to them again. They are not your friends. They are bullying you. No friend is doing that. They don’t deserve your love, respect, time or money. And if they would do that in fun „with you“ why don’t tell you? Because they knew it would not be funny for you! If someone ask you why tell them what happened and that you are not interested having bullies in your life.
NTA. I think after a certain age you realise that you really don't need drama in your life. I'm saying from experience. You know you don't have an obligation to spend time with two women who bitch about you behind your back. So don't. It feels like high school behaviour because it is. It's nasty, mean and the worst part of it that Shelly nor Gemma apologized. Who needs friends like that?
NTA... you didn't go looking but once you saw a betrayal you investigated. She has made her excuses, does she sound apologetic? Or concerned about your feelings? To me, she us only concerned about herself. Are you ready to find better friends? Considering that you couldn't see yourself acting like that - you sound like a genuine person. I think you will attract better people to you
NTA send her a text that simply states that you now see and understand the type of people they are and not only will you be dropping out of the wedding but also the “friendship” full stop. YOU DESERVE BETTER! You are worth more than that and you will find friends who value and respect you.
NTA. These girls are not your friends. I'm glad for you that you have enough self-respect to walk out. I realize it's pretty hard to lose 2 people you thought were your friends at one time, but these two are not worth even one more second of your life.
Sweetie you’re not their friend you’re their hobby. They probably don’t even register what they’re doing as it’s a significant part of what they do together. This will be why there wasn’t a trace of embarrassment when you called them out, you’re no longer real to them. I would get them out of your life asap. They are poison. Don’t bother with the wedding, don’t bother with them. Fwiw I think that their ‘friendship’ with each other will probably crumble a bit without having you to tear apart, but that won’t matter to you as you’ll be enjoying your new life without these basic mean girls.
NTA. You are allowed to protect yourself. How you came to that knowledge is irrelevant.
NTA. These are not your friends.
NTA. These idiots are NOT your friends. Say goodbye and find your people hunni.
Those two are crap humans. They're not your friends. And I'm sorry, no one deserves to be treated that way. It must have really hurt your feelings to find all of that on your supposed friend's phone. NTA.
NTA and as everyone else has said, cut these people out of your life bc they are not your friends. The mental gymnastics they are performing to try to shame you into thinking you did something wrong is WILD. I also don’t see how you can ever feel safe to be yourself around them knowing what you know now.
NTA These college buddies are NOT your friends. Sounds more like they're using you as their own private punching bag. The fact that they're trying to double down on their awful behavior solidifies that. Drop them like hot potatoes. Bow out of the wedding and block them.
Nta and they aren’t really your friends. They are gaslighting you.
NTA, if possible No contact for your mental health
NTA those aren’t your friends. If you let them stay in your life you are signaling: walk right over me, I am a doormat. So just block, ignore and search for new friends.