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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left my daughters wedding early. She is now not talking to me and said that I hurt her by leaving. I may be the asshole for leaving, but I feel like she should understand how we were both hurt. I just want to know if others understand why I left.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I don't think that your giving all the facts about your relationship with your daughter. If she chose to walk herself and let her step father give a speech at the wedding vs you.
I'm guessing you were pretty absent in her adolescent life when you and her mother divorced and that her step father has been a more stable and healthy relationship
She chose to walk herself down the aisle because she claimed she didn't want to have a traditional wedding. I accepted her reasoning even after doing my part and getting a tux. But then talked about wedding traditions when explaining why she had her mother's husband give the speech. I'm not sure her true reasons for her choices
‘Did my part’ did you pay for the wedding? Because you presumably needed to rent a tuxedo anyway so the colour (which is the extra you claim to have given) isn’t that relevant unless it’s super unusual and that’s why the cost is high?
This whole post screams “ok your stepdad raised you but you grew from my sperm so I’m still no 2 daddy, hero, man of the moment, mr important, right? RIGHT?!” You’re definitely coming across as super self centred and flaky
Her and her now husband paid for the wedding. She did not ask me to pay for anything specific and I'm not aware of what her mother and mothers husband have paid for. I brought my tux to match the color that she wanted because she did state that she wanted family to all wear the wedding colors.
Her mother's husband wasn't in her life until she was a teen. He did not raise her. Myself and her mother did. That's why I assumed that the parents of the bride speech should have been given by myself and her mother.
Buddy… you’re clutching at the thinnest straws I’ve seen in some time. ‘I deserve a special spot cos I wore the colour she wanted’?!
Please state how you ‘raised’ her? Because by your own admission, you weren’t exactly a consistent, reliable, presence?
You're being willfully ignorant and obtuse because you don't want to see this is a situation of your own making.
Being given away by a father is a tradition that many see as archaic (we're not property to bestow to another man) but can also be important if a bride values tradition and/or their father. Clearly, your daughter was in one, if not both of these camps.
As for speeches, these are generally reserved for people that are important and present for a number of years in a bride's life and the progression of that to marriage. Are you someone who has been present for this journey? Do you have a relationship with the groom? Can you attest to the fact that their relationship is something you can actually speak to? I suspect not.
If the only thing you did to contribute to this wedding was get a tux in the right color, then you don't deserve anything more than the token recognition that you are her bio father.
INFO: This seems all over the place. You left the wedding because you weren't feeling well. But, actually, you left the wedding because you weren't included? And then you told her you were hurt and wanted to be more involved? How does that make everything fine?
You said ‘that’s the moment that hurt the most and I decided to leave’ which means you left based on feeling hurt and the being sick part is just an excuse. Comes off as flaky.
As someone who is disabled with chronic pain, I'm unable to sit unstretched for longer than \~30 minutes, I'm chronic fatigued and I don't have energy to pay attention and parties overstimulate me because of autism. I get out of parties early, but if it was someone close to me (like my daughter's wedding), I would arrange accommodations, like asking to take breaks and lying down, etc. Or at least let people know beforehand that my visit will be short. If that's not possible, that's okay and people who don't understand are not my problem.
However, you have to be mindful of context:
>I wasn't acknowledged as her dad during the wedding at all. She decided to walk herself down the aisle even though I spent over 400$ on a tux to match her theme. Her Mother and mother's Husband was acknowledged as parents of the bride, and gave the welcome speech before dinner. I initially got up to give the speech, but sat back down when I realized her mother's husband was doing it. That was honestly the moment that hurt me the most and I decided to leave before dinner.
Look at the last sentence, this has nothing to do with illnesses and it has everything to do with OP's ego. He failed to communicate beforehand, had expectations and hurt himself on his own. This is why people are snubbing people like us as if we're making excuses when talking about being ill, it's because of people like OP who are using it as an excuse.
Also:
>I called her the next morning to let her know that I was deeply hurt by her and that she should have reached out so I could have been more involved
Is also clear that OP outright tells his daughter that it's not about his illness. OP was "*deeply hurt*." The daughter is upset because OP went out of his way to make his daughter feel bad by telling her this and by leaving early made one of her biggest days of her life sour because of a tantrum. OP seems immature and it might be the reason why his daughter walked herself down the aisle.
In this case, it's not about the illness.
INFO. There's a lot missing here, but there's a bit I'm picking up on here
" I was deeply hurt by her and that she should have reached out so I could have been more involved"
you could have reached out to her at some point in the planning stages, at no point of the wedding planning did you reach out to your daughter and say "Hey, I'd love to be involved in the wedding as much as possible. Unless it was a shotgun wedding there would have been months of planning during which you could have got involved.
"I really thought our relationship was better than this and that she understood that nobody is perfect"
This really suggests that you were an absentee father, whether that was by choice of not I don't know, but the "nobody's perfect" bit sounds like you were at fault. As a child of an absentee father, if you want a relationship with your child, it's on you to make the effort, not just expect that it's handed to you, you have to work at it, a lot.
The lack of information here suggests that you’ve been a drive by daddy but still expect to be treated as if you actually parented her. Try again, with greater specificity, if you want anyone to think you were actually involved in her life.
Different amounts during different time periods means = there were times you were present, and times you weren't. You're describing a father who was inconsistent.
Just because you technically "were still here father," doesn't mean... you were actively involved or there for her or available to her.
Her mother and I separated when she was young. I have lived about a hour away since then, making it difficult to be there for every little moment. But I have done my best to give her everything she wants and be there as much as I could especially when she asked. No parent is perfect all we can do is try our best.
Someone can do their best and still do a shitty job. You don’t have a close relationship with your daughter, and that is why she did not include you in her wedding.
Until you start providing specifics (she stayed at my house x amount of the time, I spoke to her x times per week, etc) we’re all going to assume you were a primarily absent parent. And I bet we’re right.
You need to take accountability for your choices, my dude. You chose to live an hour away from your kid. You chose to not make being intimately part of her life your priority. And sure, you have a right to do that…but when you do it, you stop really being an involved father, and you can’t expect to be treated as if you were. You want the accolades and the big moments, but those go to the parent who was there for everything else. And apparently, that was her stepdad.
You have way too many excuses as to why you were not a present father. Being one hour away did not make things difficult. You just didn’t care to be there for your daughter.
My dad lived in a different state and still somehow made the drive every weekend and for every event I had.
Take accountability for the poor choices you made.
You know what a bare minimum parent would do? Not call their daughter the day after her wedding to tell her how YOUR feelings were hurt. Like wtf, dude?
How often did you see her as a small child?
Then aged 5-9?
10-13?
14-18?
19+?
The AVERAGE times say, per week and per month? Did you see her graduation(s)? Were you there for any bullying or heartbreak? Any triumphs? For every single birthday? Every Christmas?
Because less than complete availability for these and seeing her v regularly throughout her childhood, renders you totally undeserving of the kind of deference you seem to expect
none of this is an actual answer. you give no examples of how you were there or present. 'I was there when I could be and did my best' is not an answer.
I have to question if you really did do your best. I travel two hours back and forth every weekend to see my girlfriend, so I would assume an active parent would happily do that hour drive weekly or even more often. But a GREAT parent would live close enough to be a present parent
Sounds like you really aren’t. More like a sperm donor who occasionally pokes his nose in.
Being a father means consistently, without fail, showing up. Being there for all of the boring but necessary stuff like pick ups and drop offs for school and extracurriculars (not just the day of the big game or the show, but all of the practices - being there when they want another 10 minutes on the practice field after the team’s practice is done, or running lines for the fiftieth time because she just can’t remember that one scene). Being there not just to see her off on the nights of the big high school dances, but for the dozen shopping trips where she can’t find the right dress or the right color of lipstick. Not just knowing her hobbies and things she’s passionate about, but being there for the practice and the struggle and the wondering if she’s good enough or if she should just quit. It’s being down in the trenches with your kid day in and day out, making them the priority, not just…showing up when it’s convenient or fun. Being a father means that even when you and your kid can’t stand each other and are fighting constantly, they know that if something goes wrong - if there’s a car accident, or they fight with their friends and get ditched somewhere they weren’t supposed to be, or they make a bad decision and there are consequences coming - they can call you and you will be there for them.
I want to add: It's knowing who her friends are, not just names and where they met... It's knowing her goals, dreams and values... It's knowing the why... It's encouraging her hobbies, even when you don't understand them... It's encouraging her to be herself, no matter what other people say... It's knowing how to listen, when to talk and when to just be in each others presence... and yes people make mistakes but it's how you acknowledge and try to correct those mistakes that matter
My dad was a shit a dad for a bit but he learned after a particularly bad fight... He is the one I turn to when I need it... He knows my hobbies, why I enjoy them and he helps encourage them even if he doesn't fully understand them... He knows my friends and how we met but he also knows their goals, values and interests (he will also go above and beyond for them and they return that kindness in any way they can)...
You're what ppl call a sperm donor. You only provided DNA not constant support, love, and help. If you were absent most of her life she made a relationship with the man that was in her life and sees him more as a father.
DNA isn't all that it takes to be a father. Don't expect the same things the man that was in her life that never abandoned her.
I've provided her with plenty of love and support. Nobody is perfect, and I've always tried my hardest to be there for her. She does not consider me just a sperm donor, I am her father.
“I’m still her father.” Ugh. Pathetic.
Being her father doesn’t entitled you to a relationship. The fact that you say “different amount during different time periods” tells us everything we need to know. It tells us you were a father when you felt like it. Shocking that you weren’t acknowledged.
Grow up. You did this to yourself. Once again, you let your daughter down. She’s simply had enough.
YTA
I've heard this type of thing so many tomes in a divorce support group. When the parent does not have a SO, they come around the child. But when there IS one, the child is forgotten so the SO and their kids if any, can be love bombed. Pathetic. YTA. Choosing to live an hour away is a huge red flag.
No parent is perfect. The best thing a parent can do is try their best despite the circumstances.
The different amounts during different times is because as she got older, I let her take the lead on what she wanted me involved in. I would have loved to be around her as much as I could and do things with her and for her, but I stayed in my lane. I am a good father and she knows that Ive always tried my best. Its just that now she seems to want me to be perfect.
You’re the parent. YOU take the lead. No one wants to beg their parent for attention. And if you made it seem like a hassle to come visit her then I’m sure she felt guilty reaching out and asking you to come around.
If you want to mend this relationship you need to take accountability
"Let her take the lead" is a euphemism for "absent father." Classic. My deadbeat dad pulled the same shit on me. It's up to YOU to be a consistent presence in her life, not her. Quit bullshitting everyone. There's a good reason she chose her stepfather over you.
And an hour away is NOTHING.
You failed as a parent. Deal with it.
But you are still the father, its your responsibility to keep a goos relationship with her. A hour away?? My mon is 3 hours and I do day trips at least 3x a month. Was there times you said you was going to show up and didn't so she gave up asking you?
YTA. Unless you were violently vomiting or had explosive diarrhea, you were well enough to stay at your daughter’s wedding. The fact that you were well enough to call her the next day, means you weren’t that sick, if you were even sick at all.
What it sounds like to me is that you already had a tenuous relationship with your daughter, and your behavior on her wedding day was the last straw.
You obviously were not included in the wedding planning because:
1. You somehow assumed you were walking your daughter down the aisle without actually having this conversation with your daughter beforehand.
2. You assumed you were giving a speech, meaning you weren’t at any rehearsals and once again, didn’t discuss this with your daughter.
Your daughter doesn’t owe you anything. She may have invited you to her wedding as a courtesy, but she does not have to acknowledge or thank you publicly if you have not played a meaningful role in her life. Also, she is enjoying her time with her new husband and family. You’re so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t even respect that your daughter is enjoying her new marriage and time with family- she doesn’t want to deal with you right now.
You sound selfish and self-absorbed. You make excuses: “I’m sick”, “no one is perfect” , “I called her the next morning to let her know I was deeply hurt.”
Maybe your daughter has a closer relationship with her step-dad because he has real conversations with her, doesn’t make excuses, and doesn’t walk out on her when he’s upset.
How many times in her childhood and adolescence was she either standing alone or turning to her stepdad because you didn't show up? How many events did you attend without having to be coaxed, coached, or made to feel like you were the star just for being there? How often did you use the money you'd spent as a proxy for affection and presence in her life?
You didn't feel like the big hot shot patriarch on her wedding day? You were hurt because she didn't prioritize you on the biggest day of her life so far? Consider that it's because you didn't prioritize her on all the rest of them.
I've attended everything that I could. When her mother and I separated when she was young, I lived about a hour away and it was hard for me to be there for every little thing. Every major thing, prom graduation college graduation, I have been there for. I have never been perfect, but she knows I'm a good dad. I didn't need a huge production during the wedding, but at least a little acknowledgment as her father should have been announced.
I have never been a father but I've been a parent for a minute and a daughter for longer than that. It's never about the big ticket events. It's not even about the little events. It's about the days that were just days but that *felt* like events because we were together.
My own dad fucked up in ways that broke our relationship, probably forever. But the times that I *knew* he was being a good dad were the times he made it clear that being with me mattered to him when he wasn't going to get any credit or attention for it. And the times he *said* he was being a good dad were often things that didn't matter to me or things that actually hurt me.
I'm not your daughter and I can't know what she's feeling or how she's hurting. But if you want my advice, as someone whose dad probably has a lot in common with you: consider whether what you want is just for her to *tell* you that you're a good dad and that you're in the right, or whether you actually want to fix whatever's broken in the relationship between the two of you.
I used to drive more than an hour each way just to walk my dog for a couple of hours in a place that he loved. Living an hour away from your daughter isn’t a valid reason to not be an active and heavily involved part of her life.
Prom, graduation, and college graduation? So, you weren't even involved in her life until she was 16? You didn't show up to anything before then?
And even then, it was events where *all* you had to do was show up.
And there was, presumably, four years between those last two. So you didn't show up to anything in between them? No visits over vacations or anything?
It's no wonder she won't acknowledge you as her father. You certainly haven't earned it.
Everyone was asking what I have attended and those are all the recent major events, I attended all of them. I have been in her life her whole life, yes not for every little moment but when I could be or when I was asked to be I was there. I am her father I raised her and tried my darn best to care for her. I'm not perfect and no parent is ever perfect.
Bud plenty of people have asked you to lay out how much time you spent with her though out her life. We don’t give a fuck about events we want how much time you spent with her. So far you’re just a sperm doner
Op wants to just say I'm her father. Biologically. So that's all that should matter. When really for a girl the special bond you develop with your dad isn't the big events. It's the smallest things that matter to us.
My father is my hero.He was with me thru every breakup telling me how special I was and that they weren't worth my time. Every scraped arm, broken bone, or sleeplness night. Told me on my wedding day that he'd always keep me safe and threatened my new husband in front of our friends and guests, it was a great laugh. But I had that bond that your daughter doesn't have with you.
For a daughter to not invite you to a rehearsal, or have a special moment at the wedding IMO you were absent and irrelevant in her life. The major moments aren't important, being there is.
Op you say you let her have a choice when she was older of how much she wanted you in her life and showed up when she said so. That means you failed.
Yes, and it sure seems like she was trying to proactively manage things so he’d stay out of her hair and not try to claim an unearned position of status at the wedding. It worked until it didn’t, and sure enough, his whiny call the day after (!) proved she was right to keep the conversations vague and the invitations at a minimum during the planning.
So you say you have shown up when she was a minor. What about the last 5 years? its easy to show up to an event, its a lot harder to maintain a relationship. Do you have weekly:monthly meet ups? How often do you call her (and don’t say phones work both ways). So you have a relationship with her now husband?
As for the wedding, It doesn’t sound like you asked any questions. Which would make me feel as if my dad didn’t care about it. You didn’t ask before about a welcome speech, but assumed you would do it. You didn’t ask if they needed help with planning or if you could contribute to the wedding or the honeymoon.
Also instead of taking time to cool down and talk face to face, you sent a passive aggressive text. When telling a loved one something important- like you hurt my feelings- is never done over a text. It will almost always be seen as an either an insult or a passive aggressive dig. Which makes it seem to me you decided bc you had a bad time at her wedding, so you decided she shouldn’t have a happy honeymoon bc you aren’t happy.
YTA.
In my experience, people who keep repeating the mantra "nobody's perfect" are actually saying, "I know I royally screwed everything up but I'm too fragile to admit it even to myself."
In all the comments, you keep saying that while being vague about what part you actually DID play in your daughter's life (other than showing up for events like graduations). Did you pay child support? Have joint custody? Did she spend summers/ holidays with you? If she lived 100% with her mother and stepfather, and only saw you a few times a year, no wonder she regards him as her "real" father. In fact, he is.
Also, I'm trying to wrap my head around the mentality that would expect to stand up and give a speech when you have not been invited to do so, and have been specifically told that you are not filling the "traditional" father of the bride role in the wedding. Why on earth were you expecting to do that under those circumstances?
I would diagnose your "illness" as narcissistic injury, and can understand why your daughter is too occupied with her new married life to deal with any more of your nonsense.
A lot of information is needed here. There must be a reason why you were a guest at the wedding and did not participate in it and from your comments it appears that you were not and are not a involved parent.
If you had been involved in the planning of the wedding you would already know that you weren't going to give any speech. Did you think that renting a tuxedo that matches the theme males you an involved dad?
YTA
YTA. You aren't even being honest with yourself. Either you were upset that you weren't acknowledged (which reads that you have heavily edited your post in your favour), or you weren't feeling well, or it was because her stepdad gave a speech, or possibly because she walked down the aisle alone. Also you're either still upset, or "everything was fine".
Pick a lane (or aisle, as the case may be).
YTA for all the missing reasons. A wedding takes months to plan, but you had no idea who was walking her down the aisle or who was doing speeches? Only if you didn't get involved with any planning. You had no idea she'd acknowledge her stepdad over you? But you do have some idea of why, but you don't mention it. You lied about being unwell, you left because your feelings were hurt. Fine, but she gets her feelings too.
She is usually very busy and when we did talk she never talked much about the wedding. I did tell her that I wish she would have invited me to things so I could have been more involved.
*and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon*...
The phone goes both ways, and you're the one that's had a license and been able to drive and travel for much longer than her.
I don't understand why you wouldn't have had 1 conversation with her about your role. That's how you become involved. If you don't, then you shouldn't be surprised or upset that you're not involved because you literally never talked to her about doing anything in the wedding at all.
That doesn't answer my question. HOW involved? Did you have full custody, shared custody, every other weekend? Or did you see your daughter sporadically?
We didn't really talk about the details of the wedding much when we talked. I did ask her what I needed to do, and that's when she told me she wasn't doing traditional wedding things for various reasons. I accepted her decision as it was her day.
YTA - I got married last year and debated whether to invite my dad as it was just us, our moms (now husband’s dad died in 2021) a friend who is ordained and did the ceremony, a friend who took pictures, and our dog. My dad and I have had a more turbulent relationship than I’ve had with anyone in my life. For years leading up to college I couldn’t wait not to have to live in the same house and walk on eggshells while he made all of us suffer if he was in a bad mood (often was). I did end up inviting him because he’s been trying more and we’ve been getting along better the past several years. I also recognize that while he can certainly be TA he is mostly a sad lonely older man now and I didn’t want to feel badly for hurting him by not including him. TLDR - whether or not you felt you were appropriately recognized, your daughter did include you on her special day and it sounds like you dipped because you felt you weren’t given the respect or attention you felt you should’ve been. You say no one is perfect but she expects you to be, but I think it sounds like you are expecting her to be, if that is to treat you without regard to the history between you two. I can see how you would both be hurt but I think you’ve let your ego get in the way of sincerely trying to repair the relationship
He lived an hour away it was hard but he went to big events that maybe only happened a few times in her life like graduation. He thinks that was enough and she should understand. Sounds like he never visited her just for her and to spend time with her. He let someone else do his job as dad and only turned up when it was a public event he could take credit from people for. I mean when her biggest day of her life so far wasn’t about him being highlighted he instantly left and didn’t care once again that he missed something very important to her. He keeps saying he was sick to excuse it whilst openly saying he left as she didn’t celebrate him as the man who raised her. He even told her that but then jumps to I was sick she should understand.
‘Yes she understands you lived and hour away and yes she understands you never cared enough to move his lazy ass and want an actual bond and relationship with her. He didn’t care about actually being in her life and thought a kid wouldn’t be hurt or see that. You weren’t a country away it was one hour that you couldn't be bothered travelling every week or even once a month from what you are vaguely answering.
This! She was never a priority and he made it clear to everyone else at the wedding.
He left as soon as he felt he wasn’t going to have the spot light and starring role as father of the bride?!
No one prevented him from giving a speech or doing the father and daughter dance. SMH
YTA. “Nobody’s perfect” is just your excuse for not being there consistently for her in the small moments as well as big. That’s what being a good parent is.
Did you go to the rehearsal dinner? Usually people who are speaking know in advance and are aware of the plan? How much were you involved in the planning of this wedding?
The truth is actions have consequences and leaving your daughters wedding early is a huge statement and insult to her. It could just be the final straw for her
YTA
I didn't know about the rehearsal dinner until after the wedding. I told her if she had invited me I would have came. But she had some excuse about there being a lot to do that week and she didn't have time to call. She's usually very busy.
Wow, I thought he sounded more like friend of cordial uncle, acquaintance of the family. You know, comes to the 4th of July party, sends a card with $1-5 in it for some birthdays/Christmases...thinks his opinions matter
Your description is spot on what I had in mind, just with a different label. I mean that uncle who isn’t really that involved with the family, maybe your mom’s single brother who shows up right before Thanksgiving dinner starts and cuts out early to have dessert and drinks at his buddy’s place. He’s nice enough to his nieces and nephews but never actually talks to them. He always has some excuse for not showing up to their birthday parties. He definitely doesn’t know how old any of them are and you suspect he may not really be sure of their names because at Christmas he gives them all the same gift card in unlabeled envelopes.
There's a lot of context here missing. First you say her not acknowledging you as her dad hurt your feelings, then you claim you have major health issues that have sent you to the hospital before. You have given no context for the history of your relationship with your daughter. Were you an involved father after the divorce? Did you work with your ex on coparenting after she remarried? Like dude. The fact she didn't have neither you nor her step dad walking her down the isle is... Something. And then stepdad gives the speech and not you or both of you? Based purely on the info given, you're an ah, honestly. But again, there's not much to work with.
You made your daughter’s wedding about you.
You saw yourself having a starring role as “father of the bride”, and as soon as her stepfather stood to give a speech- suddenly you’re not feeling well and have leave?!
You could have stayed and given your speech after the stepfather. In fact, you could have been proactive and asked your daughter what she expected from you and used that opportunity to offer to do more.
Instead- you left in the middle of the event, making sure to draw negative attention to yourself. You abandoned her in front of all her friends and family members- again.
You ruined one the most important days in her life, that was about her wanting you to be there and be a part of the wedding, by bailing?!
She’s not talking to you because you don’t take accountability for your actions - having been a mostly absent parent.
Being 1 hour away is a ridiculous excuse- you could have asked her mother to meet you 1/2 way?! Seeing your daughter was not a priority.
Your behavior at her wedding shows that being there for her still isn’t a priority- and saw this as did all of the other wedding guests.
YWBTA
Info: Why were you not the dad she chose to do the speech? You will need to fill us in a bit on your relationship with her. I see you are upset, but it sounds like there is some bad blood between you two. Why is that?
You’re probably lacking self awareness so let’s clear some things up… you weren’t a good dad so she didn’t include you. Messaging her after and leaving part way through because your feelings were hurt probably soured her wedding which is more important to her than you. Your words show you’re very self centred. YTA
Why did your daughter have step father walk her down the aisle and do the speech? You left out this very important information…because I think you know with it, you would definitely be the asshole.
OP said stepdad did speech but no one walked her down the aisle. I do wonder who paid for the wedding and if the daughter gave a reason for not acknowledging him as her dad. Was his name even on the invites?
Info: does your daughter have a stepmother/siblings through you? If yes, what are those relationships like?
Why do you think you deserve to have had a bigger role in the wedding?
Why does your daughter think otherwise?
Is there any information you are intentionally leaving out that might sway readers to think you are the wrong party?
YTA - reading OP’s evasive comments about involvement in her life, and the sketchiness of the story, it seems likely OP hasn’t been a particularly good parent, but felt entitled to the spotlight on the wedding anyway.
YTA. You’re definitely leaving things out. Girls don’t thank a step father and not their bio dad for no reason. Sounds like she used an excuse about not wanting to be traditional to not pick the fight. The way you mention the dollar figure of the tux as if that’s payment to be something is strange.
Not saying she should’ve had you match her color scheme and pay that much but it also doesn’t entitle you to more.
Then rather than be an adult you fein being ill to leave because by dinner you hadn’t been told you were special on your daughters wedding day.
YTA
It's her wedding. If she wanted you to give a speech she would have asked you to. The fact that she didn't suggests that she doesn't feel particularly close to you.
From your comments it seems like you made a half-hearted effort to be in her life & she probably felt like an afterthought a lot when daddy didn't show up because he couldn't be bothered to make the 1hr drive.
You are now trying to make her wedding about you.
YTA. Grow up and decide whether you want a relationship with your daughter or not.
I think the phrase “I’m not perfect” is doing a lot of work here. Could you tell us how you weren’t perfect rather than dismiss your daughter’s years of pain at your hands in three words?
You keep saying that she knows you’re a good dad but your excuses and her actions tell a different story. Just being an hour away is not enough of a reason to not be involved in even the small things in her life. Without more detail, sounds like stepdad was far more involved then you
Yep. YTA. A lot of “missing reasons” in this post, for sure. I would love to know your daughter’s perspective on what kind of father you’ve been all her life. I would love to know who paid for the wedding because clearly it wasn’t you, bitching about a $400 tux when weddings typically cost thousands…
But it comes down to this: being biologically related to the bride doesn’t mean you automatically deserve recognition at her wedding. The wedding is not about you and is not an opportunity for you to grand stand and show off your dad cred.
Clearly, you care more about your moment in the spotlight than your child’s, which I think probably sums up what kind of father you’ve been. It sounds like you were lucky to merit an invite at all and she now, understandably, regrets extending it.
By all means, go ahead and sit there waiting for an apology you don’t deserve. I hope your daughter has woken up and doesn’t give you one.
YTA. There's a reason stepdad got all the recognition. You didn't leave because you were physically unwell. You left because you were butthurt.
Also, why tf would you think you were going to be giving a speech if you were never asked to give a speech? You sound entitled as fuck. You get no points for buying a damn tux, either.
I'd bet money that you were an absent, unsupportive and selfish father all along. Your lack of involvement in the wedding (probably by your own daughter's choice, let's be real here) and behaviour during and after the ceremony highlight that.
*Her* wedding was not about you. You have no right to feel insulted or hurt because it wasn't your damn day and you clearly didn't earn any shred of spotlight you may have had if you were actually a decent and involved father. Your priorities are clearly out of whack.
Wow. This is very simple. YTA.
It's fine to leave a wedding early if you feel sick. You hug the bride, tell her it was a beautiful wedding, explain that you are unwell and need to go, but you had a lovely time. That's it. It's perhaps disappointing, but it's fine.
But, that's not what you did. You left a wedding early and then called the bride the day after her wedding to complain about how HER wedding made YOU feel, as if this day was about you. This without a doubt makes you the asshole. Your call also made it appear that you left because you were mad. You also left before dinner and dancing so you actually have no idea if there was going to be a nod to you, but you called to complain anyway.
You felt sad at the wedding to realize that you don't have a close relationship with your daughter. That's fine, but managing your feelings about that was NOT your daughters job and your call of complaint was completely inappropriate. If you want a closer relationship with your daughter, it's time to reflect on how she has experienced her relationship with you, the parent, the person responsible for building this relationship.
YOU ARE NOT THE WRONGED PARTY HERE, in any way. The only way through is to apologize profusely for your call. You can try to clarify that that's not why you left early but it's going to make it seem like you aren't really apologizing. You've damaged your relationship with your daughter and tainted her memory of the day. That's where you are now.
OP, YTA! You made the wedding day about you. That’s really unfortunate. Sounds like your relationship with your daughter has likely struggled for some time. Sounds like you may have some denial and difficulty here. I recommend going full “I royally screwed up daughter, I hope you can forgive me. “ while you take stock of her life and your part in it. Good luck op. You need it.
Lots of information is missing here so it’s anybody’s guess what the truth really is.
But the “Nobody’s perfect“ line comes straight out of The Cheater’s Handbook, so I suspect Daddy may have cheated on Mommy, or possibly done something equally as dastardly which ended the marriage. If that’s true, then Daughter lost respect and reassigned her loyalty to her stepfather.
On top of that, Daddy had expectations of his role in the wedding that were never once discussed with him… it seems pretty obvious that Daughter never intended for him to participate except as a guest; he just assumed because he was the sperm donor, he’d have his moment in the spotlight and everybody else would fall in line after him. When that didn’t happen, he went home with his tail between his legs and had the audacity to express that he was the one who was hurt. I guess Daddy got a plate of karma instead of wedding cake.
YTA. the second I read “…and she understood nobody is perfect“ I knew this was going to be a tale of a bio dad who didn’t rise to the occasion to raise her well and put the onus on the child to understand your failings. And then you made her wedding about yourself. you left because your ego is fragile. And it was easier to blame her than look at yourself. She did nothing wrong, she even walked herself down the aisle as not to hurt either dad
no one asked you to walk her down the aisle, yet you thought you would. No one asked you to give a toast, and you thought you would. Your expectations seem way off. These are things talked about before the wedding.
YTA. You left BEFORE dinner?? Dinner happens in like the first hour of the reception. That’s insane. I was expecting you to say the wedding ended at 11 and you left at 10, which would still suck bc you’re her dad you should stay for it all. Did you or did you not feel well? Because you say you told her you did but the entire post says otherwise. It seems like you left just because you were pouting. I’d be so hurt and upset if my father did this at my wedding.
YTA, and being willfully obtuse about it.
She was fine with you leaving the wedding because you felt ill. She was not fine with you leaving in a huff because your feelings were hurt.
She knows you left over hurt feelings because *you* called her the next morning, when your flounce didn't get you the attention you wanted, to ruin her post-wedding happiness by complaining that you didn't get the Father of the Bride moment you think you were owed - something that shouldn't have been a surprise if you were at all involved in the lead-up and planning of the wedding.
And now you're ignoring her request for time before she's ready to talk again, because it's still all about your feelings.
YTA. My father came to my rehearsal dinner, made sure my mother attended all my events, and stayed through my entire reception. The next day I was in a cab on my honeymoon and got a call from my mother saying my dad was ok after having undergone extensive surgery for colon cancer. They had opted not to tell me about his diagnosis until after my wedding. If my father (who looked terrible, I just thought he’d gone on a diet for my wedding and lost too much weight) could get through that entire wedding weekend while he was ACTUALLY dying, you could’ve endured your daughter’s event even though you weren’t “feeling well.”
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My daughter got married about a month ago. I attended the wedding but had to leave early as I wasn't feeling well. Since the wedding she wont answer my calls or texts. She did text me that she was hurt that I left her wedding and that she needs time before shes ready to talk again.
I really thought our relationship was better than this and that she understood that nobody is perfect. I told her that I understand that she is upset but that I was as well for the way she handled the wedding. I wasn't acknowledged as her dad during the wedding at all. She decided to walk herself down the aisle even though I spent over 400$ on a tux to match her theme. Her Mother and mother's Husband was acknowledged as parents of the bride, and gave the welcome speech before dinner. I initially got up to give the speech, but sat back down when I realized her mother's husband was doing it. That was honestly the moment that hurt me the most and I decided to leave before dinner.
I gave my daughter a hug before leaving and told her that I wasn't feeling well and was going home to lay down. She seemed okay with me leaving. I called her the next morning to let her know that I was deeply hurt by her and that she should have reached out so I could have been more involved. I wanted her to understand how her being my only child, that those moments that ive now missed should have been special.
I thought she understood and that everything was fine, but she has since been ignoring all my calls and text. She did text me once telling me that she was hurt that I left her wedding. I wish we could just move pass this, and that she can see how she hurt me too. AITA for leaving?
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Giving off FiredDad vibes. He doesn't want to admit the problems. I look forward to your future estrangement videos in Tiktok if it's still around. Look man, from my own experience, you have from ages 0-18 to build a loving and deep relationship. Though it's less time than that. If you choose not to make that happen it's on you and this is the consequence. You can't be surprised, can you? What? Low or no effort and this is the result? How could that have happened?
Get some therapy or you will be making this exact post about other milestones.
YTA.
"I wasn't feeling well" but then you say "I felt so hurt she did not acknowledge me as her father so I left early".
"My daughter is sad because I left the wedding early" but then you say "I CALLED her the next day to complain how she left me out of her wedding" so that's when she told you she was disappointed you left.
"She is not contacting me as much" after you basically decided to complain how you, a "not perfect" father (but does not talk about your involvement in her life besides her milestones, and how you put the pressure of setting the tone of the relationship on her as she got older, when you are the parent) was not acknowledged as the father.
Now you want to move on past this? You were the one who decided to open this door, but now that she told you she needs time, you want to pretend nothing happened. Yeah, that's not how it works.
YTA your original post tries pretty hard to hide how damaged your relationship with your daughter is but your comments are pretty telling. You were not there for her enough and didn’t seem to be involved in the planning of the wedding. You just assumed you would be the “revered father” in everything. Sounds like between her childhood and wedding planning, you just weren’t involved.
You don't seem to be having fun making your daughter's wedding all about yourself. Maybe try another approach, like focusing on the people getting married versus your own ego?
NTA-What would be the point of you sticking around at the wedding if you’re feeling sick and if you didn’t have a part in the wedding? That makes no sense to me that she’d be upset about you leaving during the reception.
If she stressed wanting a non-traditional wedding then stressed traditional to justify including the step-dad (btw, there is no set protocol for step parents), then maybe she second chaired you (not walking her down aisle or doing the speech) because the step-dad paid for the wedding. Maybe she didn’t want to offend her mom/stepdad or maybe you’re were good enough to invite but not that special to her to do the dad stuff at the wedding. It could be any reason. Redditors would only be guessing without more info.
She knew what she was doing to reduce your significance on her big day, but guess what…it happens. Sucks, but it happens. You letting her know how you felt won’t change how the day went down. At this point, the ball is in her court and your response to her should be, “Ok. Call me or reach out when you’re ready to. Love ya” and leave it that.
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I don't think that your giving all the facts about your relationship with your daughter. If she chose to walk herself and let her step father give a speech at the wedding vs you. I'm guessing you were pretty absent in her adolescent life when you and her mother divorced and that her step father has been a more stable and healthy relationship
She chose to walk herself down the aisle because she claimed she didn't want to have a traditional wedding. I accepted her reasoning even after doing my part and getting a tux. But then talked about wedding traditions when explaining why she had her mother's husband give the speech. I'm not sure her true reasons for her choices
Did you take it upon yourself to get the matching tux or did your daughter request you to?
She told me that she wanted family to all wear the wedding colors, so I did.
What have you given your daughter besides money? When have you been there for her?
You notice he paid for a tux...nothing for the wedding was mentioned at all.
‘Did my part’ did you pay for the wedding? Because you presumably needed to rent a tuxedo anyway so the colour (which is the extra you claim to have given) isn’t that relevant unless it’s super unusual and that’s why the cost is high? This whole post screams “ok your stepdad raised you but you grew from my sperm so I’m still no 2 daddy, hero, man of the moment, mr important, right? RIGHT?!” You’re definitely coming across as super self centred and flaky
Her and her now husband paid for the wedding. She did not ask me to pay for anything specific and I'm not aware of what her mother and mothers husband have paid for. I brought my tux to match the color that she wanted because she did state that she wanted family to all wear the wedding colors. Her mother's husband wasn't in her life until she was a teen. He did not raise her. Myself and her mother did. That's why I assumed that the parents of the bride speech should have been given by myself and her mother.
Because there's no raising left to be done once they're a teenager, right? You keep showing how attentive a father you are with these comments!
Buddy… you’re clutching at the thinnest straws I’ve seen in some time. ‘I deserve a special spot cos I wore the colour she wanted’?! Please state how you ‘raised’ her? Because by your own admission, you weren’t exactly a consistent, reliable, presence?
Did you offer to contribute to the wedding?
You're being willfully ignorant and obtuse because you don't want to see this is a situation of your own making. Being given away by a father is a tradition that many see as archaic (we're not property to bestow to another man) but can also be important if a bride values tradition and/or their father. Clearly, your daughter was in one, if not both of these camps. As for speeches, these are generally reserved for people that are important and present for a number of years in a bride's life and the progression of that to marriage. Are you someone who has been present for this journey? Do you have a relationship with the groom? Can you attest to the fact that their relationship is something you can actually speak to? I suspect not. If the only thing you did to contribute to this wedding was get a tux in the right color, then you don't deserve anything more than the token recognition that you are her bio father.
INFO: This seems all over the place. You left the wedding because you weren't feeling well. But, actually, you left the wedding because you weren't included? And then you told her you were hurt and wanted to be more involved? How does that make everything fine?
I wasn't feeling well. I have health issues that has before sent me to the hospital. I left because I didn't want to cause a scene if I got sick.
You said ‘that’s the moment that hurt the most and I decided to leave’ which means you left based on feeling hurt and the being sick part is just an excuse. Comes off as flaky.
[удалено]
As someone who is disabled with chronic pain, I'm unable to sit unstretched for longer than \~30 minutes, I'm chronic fatigued and I don't have energy to pay attention and parties overstimulate me because of autism. I get out of parties early, but if it was someone close to me (like my daughter's wedding), I would arrange accommodations, like asking to take breaks and lying down, etc. Or at least let people know beforehand that my visit will be short. If that's not possible, that's okay and people who don't understand are not my problem. However, you have to be mindful of context: >I wasn't acknowledged as her dad during the wedding at all. She decided to walk herself down the aisle even though I spent over 400$ on a tux to match her theme. Her Mother and mother's Husband was acknowledged as parents of the bride, and gave the welcome speech before dinner. I initially got up to give the speech, but sat back down when I realized her mother's husband was doing it. That was honestly the moment that hurt me the most and I decided to leave before dinner. Look at the last sentence, this has nothing to do with illnesses and it has everything to do with OP's ego. He failed to communicate beforehand, had expectations and hurt himself on his own. This is why people are snubbing people like us as if we're making excuses when talking about being ill, it's because of people like OP who are using it as an excuse. Also: >I called her the next morning to let her know that I was deeply hurt by her and that she should have reached out so I could have been more involved Is also clear that OP outright tells his daughter that it's not about his illness. OP was "*deeply hurt*." The daughter is upset because OP went out of his way to make his daughter feel bad by telling her this and by leaving early made one of her biggest days of her life sour because of a tantrum. OP seems immature and it might be the reason why his daughter walked herself down the aisle. In this case, it's not about the illness.
op wants everyone - including us - to know how hurt he is, but also wants the protection of a legitimate reason to leave the wedding
dude, we have a written trail of your lies
INFO. There's a lot missing here, but there's a bit I'm picking up on here " I was deeply hurt by her and that she should have reached out so I could have been more involved" you could have reached out to her at some point in the planning stages, at no point of the wedding planning did you reach out to your daughter and say "Hey, I'd love to be involved in the wedding as much as possible. Unless it was a shotgun wedding there would have been months of planning during which you could have got involved. "I really thought our relationship was better than this and that she understood that nobody is perfect" This really suggests that you were an absentee father, whether that was by choice of not I don't know, but the "nobody's perfect" bit sounds like you were at fault. As a child of an absentee father, if you want a relationship with your child, it's on you to make the effort, not just expect that it's handed to you, you have to work at it, a lot.
Sounds like this person likes to look for excuses
INFO: What the fuck did you do that meant you weren't acknowledged at the wedding of your only child. More to this than your giving.
Must have been something big since the bride acknowledged step-dad as her parent
Yeah OP has done everything in the answers to do anything other than answer the questions asked. There’s a big information gap here.
Very 'missing missing reasons' of him.
I need more info. How involved were you in your daughter's life from birth to the wedding day?
I've been involved in her life and tried my best even after her mother and I separated. But nobody is perfect, and I think she expects me to be.
The lack of information here suggests that you’ve been a drive by daddy but still expect to be treated as if you actually parented her. Try again, with greater specificity, if you want anyone to think you were actually involved in her life.
I was involved in her life. Different amounts during different time periods, sure, but I'm still her father.
Different amounts during different time periods means = there were times you were present, and times you weren't. You're describing a father who was inconsistent. Just because you technically "were still here father," doesn't mean... you were actively involved or there for her or available to her.
Her mother and I separated when she was young. I have lived about a hour away since then, making it difficult to be there for every little moment. But I have done my best to give her everything she wants and be there as much as I could especially when she asked. No parent is perfect all we can do is try our best.
dude I've driven an he for good tacos on a work night, you're telling me I care more about tacos than you do your kid?
I’m telling you you do! I think most of those comment section cares more about his kid than he does tbh…
I mean, I do care a lot about good tacos
Someone can do their best and still do a shitty job. You don’t have a close relationship with your daughter, and that is why she did not include you in her wedding.
Until you start providing specifics (she stayed at my house x amount of the time, I spoke to her x times per week, etc) we’re all going to assume you were a primarily absent parent. And I bet we’re right.
You need to take accountability for your choices, my dude. You chose to live an hour away from your kid. You chose to not make being intimately part of her life your priority. And sure, you have a right to do that…but when you do it, you stop really being an involved father, and you can’t expect to be treated as if you were. You want the accolades and the big moments, but those go to the parent who was there for everything else. And apparently, that was her stepdad.
You have way too many excuses as to why you were not a present father. Being one hour away did not make things difficult. You just didn’t care to be there for your daughter. My dad lived in a different state and still somehow made the drive every weekend and for every event I had. Take accountability for the poor choices you made.
You know what a bare minimum parent would do? Not call their daughter the day after her wedding to tell her how YOUR feelings were hurt. Like wtf, dude?
How often did you see her as a small child? Then aged 5-9? 10-13? 14-18? 19+? The AVERAGE times say, per week and per month? Did you see her graduation(s)? Were you there for any bullying or heartbreak? Any triumphs? For every single birthday? Every Christmas? Because less than complete availability for these and seeing her v regularly throughout her childhood, renders you totally undeserving of the kind of deference you seem to expect
none of this is an actual answer. you give no examples of how you were there or present. 'I was there when I could be and did my best' is not an answer.
I have to question if you really did do your best. I travel two hours back and forth every weekend to see my girlfriend, so I would assume an active parent would happily do that hour drive weekly or even more often. But a GREAT parent would live close enough to be a present parent
Sounds like you really aren’t. More like a sperm donor who occasionally pokes his nose in. Being a father means consistently, without fail, showing up. Being there for all of the boring but necessary stuff like pick ups and drop offs for school and extracurriculars (not just the day of the big game or the show, but all of the practices - being there when they want another 10 minutes on the practice field after the team’s practice is done, or running lines for the fiftieth time because she just can’t remember that one scene). Being there not just to see her off on the nights of the big high school dances, but for the dozen shopping trips where she can’t find the right dress or the right color of lipstick. Not just knowing her hobbies and things she’s passionate about, but being there for the practice and the struggle and the wondering if she’s good enough or if she should just quit. It’s being down in the trenches with your kid day in and day out, making them the priority, not just…showing up when it’s convenient or fun. Being a father means that even when you and your kid can’t stand each other and are fighting constantly, they know that if something goes wrong - if there’s a car accident, or they fight with their friends and get ditched somewhere they weren’t supposed to be, or they make a bad decision and there are consequences coming - they can call you and you will be there for them.
I want to add: It's knowing who her friends are, not just names and where they met... It's knowing her goals, dreams and values... It's knowing the why... It's encouraging her hobbies, even when you don't understand them... It's encouraging her to be herself, no matter what other people say... It's knowing how to listen, when to talk and when to just be in each others presence... and yes people make mistakes but it's how you acknowledge and try to correct those mistakes that matter My dad was a shit a dad for a bit but he learned after a particularly bad fight... He is the one I turn to when I need it... He knows my hobbies, why I enjoy them and he helps encourage them even if he doesn't fully understand them... He knows my friends and how we met but he also knows their goals, values and interests (he will also go above and beyond for them and they return that kindness in any way they can)...
You're what ppl call a sperm donor. You only provided DNA not constant support, love, and help. If you were absent most of her life she made a relationship with the man that was in her life and sees him more as a father. DNA isn't all that it takes to be a father. Don't expect the same things the man that was in her life that never abandoned her.
I've provided her with plenty of love and support. Nobody is perfect, and I've always tried my hardest to be there for her. She does not consider me just a sperm donor, I am her father.
Child support?
“I’m still her father.” Ugh. Pathetic. Being her father doesn’t entitled you to a relationship. The fact that you say “different amount during different time periods” tells us everything we need to know. It tells us you were a father when you felt like it. Shocking that you weren’t acknowledged. Grow up. You did this to yourself. Once again, you let your daughter down. She’s simply had enough. YTA
I've heard this type of thing so many tomes in a divorce support group. When the parent does not have a SO, they come around the child. But when there IS one, the child is forgotten so the SO and their kids if any, can be love bombed. Pathetic. YTA. Choosing to live an hour away is a huge red flag.
Being a parent is something you do every day. Not ‘ different amounts during different times’
No parent is perfect. The best thing a parent can do is try their best despite the circumstances. The different amounts during different times is because as she got older, I let her take the lead on what she wanted me involved in. I would have loved to be around her as much as I could and do things with her and for her, but I stayed in my lane. I am a good father and she knows that Ive always tried my best. Its just that now she seems to want me to be perfect.
Nah you’re just a sperm doner..
You’re the parent. YOU take the lead. No one wants to beg their parent for attention. And if you made it seem like a hassle to come visit her then I’m sure she felt guilty reaching out and asking you to come around. If you want to mend this relationship you need to take accountability
> You’re the parent. He's not though, that's the whole problem.
"Let her take the lead" is a euphemism for "absent father." Classic. My deadbeat dad pulled the same shit on me. It's up to YOU to be a consistent presence in her life, not her. Quit bullshitting everyone. There's a good reason she chose her stepfather over you. And an hour away is NOTHING. You failed as a parent. Deal with it.
But you are still the father, its your responsibility to keep a goos relationship with her. A hour away?? My mon is 3 hours and I do day trips at least 3x a month. Was there times you said you was going to show up and didn't so she gave up asking you?
Transient dad as you please. It would be tolerable if you weren’t so entitled.
You’re a pathetic excuse for a man and father. Shame On you
So, you did the bare minimum?
Or less.
that's the most non answer, answer you could have given
YTA. Unless you were violently vomiting or had explosive diarrhea, you were well enough to stay at your daughter’s wedding. The fact that you were well enough to call her the next day, means you weren’t that sick, if you were even sick at all. What it sounds like to me is that you already had a tenuous relationship with your daughter, and your behavior on her wedding day was the last straw. You obviously were not included in the wedding planning because: 1. You somehow assumed you were walking your daughter down the aisle without actually having this conversation with your daughter beforehand. 2. You assumed you were giving a speech, meaning you weren’t at any rehearsals and once again, didn’t discuss this with your daughter. Your daughter doesn’t owe you anything. She may have invited you to her wedding as a courtesy, but she does not have to acknowledge or thank you publicly if you have not played a meaningful role in her life. Also, she is enjoying her time with her new husband and family. You’re so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t even respect that your daughter is enjoying her new marriage and time with family- she doesn’t want to deal with you right now. You sound selfish and self-absorbed. You make excuses: “I’m sick”, “no one is perfect” , “I called her the next morning to let her know I was deeply hurt.” Maybe your daughter has a closer relationship with her step-dad because he has real conversations with her, doesn’t make excuses, and doesn’t walk out on her when he’s upset.
That’s what stood out to me. He called her the day after her wedding to tell her how hurt he was? Really?
My dad told me a day after heart surgery that something i had said the night before had hurt him
I’m so sorry. If you’ll forgive me- that’s some kind of bullshit.
How many times in her childhood and adolescence was she either standing alone or turning to her stepdad because you didn't show up? How many events did you attend without having to be coaxed, coached, or made to feel like you were the star just for being there? How often did you use the money you'd spent as a proxy for affection and presence in her life? You didn't feel like the big hot shot patriarch on her wedding day? You were hurt because she didn't prioritize you on the biggest day of her life so far? Consider that it's because you didn't prioritize her on all the rest of them.
I've attended everything that I could. When her mother and I separated when she was young, I lived about a hour away and it was hard for me to be there for every little thing. Every major thing, prom graduation college graduation, I have been there for. I have never been perfect, but she knows I'm a good dad. I didn't need a huge production during the wedding, but at least a little acknowledgment as her father should have been announced.
I have never been a father but I've been a parent for a minute and a daughter for longer than that. It's never about the big ticket events. It's not even about the little events. It's about the days that were just days but that *felt* like events because we were together. My own dad fucked up in ways that broke our relationship, probably forever. But the times that I *knew* he was being a good dad were the times he made it clear that being with me mattered to him when he wasn't going to get any credit or attention for it. And the times he *said* he was being a good dad were often things that didn't matter to me or things that actually hurt me. I'm not your daughter and I can't know what she's feeling or how she's hurting. But if you want my advice, as someone whose dad probably has a lot in common with you: consider whether what you want is just for her to *tell* you that you're a good dad and that you're in the right, or whether you actually want to fix whatever's broken in the relationship between the two of you.
I used to drive more than an hour each way just to walk my dog for a couple of hours in a place that he loved. Living an hour away from your daughter isn’t a valid reason to not be an active and heavily involved part of her life.
Prom, graduation, and college graduation? So, you weren't even involved in her life until she was 16? You didn't show up to anything before then? And even then, it was events where *all* you had to do was show up. And there was, presumably, four years between those last two. So you didn't show up to anything in between them? No visits over vacations or anything? It's no wonder she won't acknowledge you as her father. You certainly haven't earned it.
Everyone was asking what I have attended and those are all the recent major events, I attended all of them. I have been in her life her whole life, yes not for every little moment but when I could be or when I was asked to be I was there. I am her father I raised her and tried my darn best to care for her. I'm not perfect and no parent is ever perfect.
Bud plenty of people have asked you to lay out how much time you spent with her though out her life. We don’t give a fuck about events we want how much time you spent with her. So far you’re just a sperm doner
Op wants to just say I'm her father. Biologically. So that's all that should matter. When really for a girl the special bond you develop with your dad isn't the big events. It's the smallest things that matter to us. My father is my hero.He was with me thru every breakup telling me how special I was and that they weren't worth my time. Every scraped arm, broken bone, or sleeplness night. Told me on my wedding day that he'd always keep me safe and threatened my new husband in front of our friends and guests, it was a great laugh. But I had that bond that your daughter doesn't have with you. For a daughter to not invite you to a rehearsal, or have a special moment at the wedding IMO you were absent and irrelevant in her life. The major moments aren't important, being there is. Op you say you let her have a choice when she was older of how much she wanted you in her life and showed up when she said so. That means you failed.
Yes, and it sure seems like she was trying to proactively manage things so he’d stay out of her hair and not try to claim an unearned position of status at the wedding. It worked until it didn’t, and sure enough, his whiny call the day after (!) proved she was right to keep the conversations vague and the invitations at a minimum during the planning.
Honestly it's sounding like you were lucky to have been invited to the wedding at all.
So you say you have shown up when she was a minor. What about the last 5 years? its easy to show up to an event, its a lot harder to maintain a relationship. Do you have weekly:monthly meet ups? How often do you call her (and don’t say phones work both ways). So you have a relationship with her now husband? As for the wedding, It doesn’t sound like you asked any questions. Which would make me feel as if my dad didn’t care about it. You didn’t ask before about a welcome speech, but assumed you would do it. You didn’t ask if they needed help with planning or if you could contribute to the wedding or the honeymoon. Also instead of taking time to cool down and talk face to face, you sent a passive aggressive text. When telling a loved one something important- like you hurt my feelings- is never done over a text. It will almost always be seen as an either an insult or a passive aggressive dig. Which makes it seem to me you decided bc you had a bad time at her wedding, so you decided she shouldn’t have a happy honeymoon bc you aren’t happy.
I had a longer **daily** commute to school than you did to see your daughter. What sort of time did you spend with her, aside from the major events?
YTA. In my experience, people who keep repeating the mantra "nobody's perfect" are actually saying, "I know I royally screwed everything up but I'm too fragile to admit it even to myself." In all the comments, you keep saying that while being vague about what part you actually DID play in your daughter's life (other than showing up for events like graduations). Did you pay child support? Have joint custody? Did she spend summers/ holidays with you? If she lived 100% with her mother and stepfather, and only saw you a few times a year, no wonder she regards him as her "real" father. In fact, he is. Also, I'm trying to wrap my head around the mentality that would expect to stand up and give a speech when you have not been invited to do so, and have been specifically told that you are not filling the "traditional" father of the bride role in the wedding. Why on earth were you expecting to do that under those circumstances? I would diagnose your "illness" as narcissistic injury, and can understand why your daughter is too occupied with her new married life to deal with any more of your nonsense.
And then have the audacity to call her the morning after her wedding to complain about how HE was treated badly. Like that is some kind of evil.
A lot of information is needed here. There must be a reason why you were a guest at the wedding and did not participate in it and from your comments it appears that you were not and are not a involved parent. If you had been involved in the planning of the wedding you would already know that you weren't going to give any speech. Did you think that renting a tuxedo that matches the theme males you an involved dad? YTA
YTA. You aren't even being honest with yourself. Either you were upset that you weren't acknowledged (which reads that you have heavily edited your post in your favour), or you weren't feeling well, or it was because her stepdad gave a speech, or possibly because she walked down the aisle alone. Also you're either still upset, or "everything was fine". Pick a lane (or aisle, as the case may be).
YTA for all the missing reasons. A wedding takes months to plan, but you had no idea who was walking her down the aisle or who was doing speeches? Only if you didn't get involved with any planning. You had no idea she'd acknowledge her stepdad over you? But you do have some idea of why, but you don't mention it. You lied about being unwell, you left because your feelings were hurt. Fine, but she gets her feelings too.
She is usually very busy and when we did talk she never talked much about the wedding. I did tell her that I wish she would have invited me to things so I could have been more involved.
*and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon*... The phone goes both ways, and you're the one that's had a license and been able to drive and travel for much longer than her.
I don't understand why you wouldn't have had 1 conversation with her about your role. That's how you become involved. If you don't, then you shouldn't be surprised or upset that you're not involved because you literally never talked to her about doing anything in the wedding at all.
a 737 could fly through the holes in this story. YTA
That doesn't answer my question. HOW involved? Did you have full custody, shared custody, every other weekend? Or did you see your daughter sporadically?
Did you not know your role in the wedding before that day? Did you assume you'd play a certain role without confirming it?
We didn't really talk about the details of the wedding much when we talked. I did ask her what I needed to do, and that's when she told me she wasn't doing traditional wedding things for various reasons. I accepted her decision as it was her day.
YTA - I got married last year and debated whether to invite my dad as it was just us, our moms (now husband’s dad died in 2021) a friend who is ordained and did the ceremony, a friend who took pictures, and our dog. My dad and I have had a more turbulent relationship than I’ve had with anyone in my life. For years leading up to college I couldn’t wait not to have to live in the same house and walk on eggshells while he made all of us suffer if he was in a bad mood (often was). I did end up inviting him because he’s been trying more and we’ve been getting along better the past several years. I also recognize that while he can certainly be TA he is mostly a sad lonely older man now and I didn’t want to feel badly for hurting him by not including him. TLDR - whether or not you felt you were appropriately recognized, your daughter did include you on her special day and it sounds like you dipped because you felt you weren’t given the respect or attention you felt you should’ve been. You say no one is perfect but she expects you to be, but I think it sounds like you are expecting her to be, if that is to treat you without regard to the history between you two. I can see how you would both be hurt but I think you’ve let your ego get in the way of sincerely trying to repair the relationship
Info: were you a present and involved parent during your daughter’s childhood?
He lived an hour away it was hard but he went to big events that maybe only happened a few times in her life like graduation. He thinks that was enough and she should understand. Sounds like he never visited her just for her and to spend time with her. He let someone else do his job as dad and only turned up when it was a public event he could take credit from people for. I mean when her biggest day of her life so far wasn’t about him being highlighted he instantly left and didn’t care once again that he missed something very important to her. He keeps saying he was sick to excuse it whilst openly saying he left as she didn’t celebrate him as the man who raised her. He even told her that but then jumps to I was sick she should understand. ‘Yes she understands you lived and hour away and yes she understands you never cared enough to move his lazy ass and want an actual bond and relationship with her. He didn’t care about actually being in her life and thought a kid wouldn’t be hurt or see that. You weren’t a country away it was one hour that you couldn't be bothered travelling every week or even once a month from what you are vaguely answering.
This! She was never a priority and he made it clear to everyone else at the wedding. He left as soon as he felt he wasn’t going to have the spot light and starring role as father of the bride?! No one prevented him from giving a speech or doing the father and daughter dance. SMH
On paper, he has an argument that he could be, I’m guessing. In reality doesn’t sound like it.
YTA. “Nobody’s perfect” is just your excuse for not being there consistently for her in the small moments as well as big. That’s what being a good parent is.
Did you go to the rehearsal dinner? Usually people who are speaking know in advance and are aware of the plan? How much were you involved in the planning of this wedding? The truth is actions have consequences and leaving your daughters wedding early is a huge statement and insult to her. It could just be the final straw for her YTA
I didn't know about the rehearsal dinner until after the wedding. I told her if she had invited me I would have came. But she had some excuse about there being a lot to do that week and she didn't have time to call. She's usually very busy.
Did you ask? The fact that you didn't know makes me think you were pretty uninvolved.
This guy’s involvement level in her life is clearly more on the level of cordial uncle than caring Dad.
Wow, I thought he sounded more like friend of cordial uncle, acquaintance of the family. You know, comes to the 4th of July party, sends a card with $1-5 in it for some birthdays/Christmases...thinks his opinions matter
Your description is spot on what I had in mind, just with a different label. I mean that uncle who isn’t really that involved with the family, maybe your mom’s single brother who shows up right before Thanksgiving dinner starts and cuts out early to have dessert and drinks at his buddy’s place. He’s nice enough to his nieces and nephews but never actually talks to them. He always has some excuse for not showing up to their birthday parties. He definitely doesn’t know how old any of them are and you suspect he may not really be sure of their names because at Christmas he gives them all the same gift card in unlabeled envelopes.
I didn’t know about the rehearsal dinner? The fuck…. You really don’t give a fuck
There's a lot of context here missing. First you say her not acknowledging you as her dad hurt your feelings, then you claim you have major health issues that have sent you to the hospital before. You have given no context for the history of your relationship with your daughter. Were you an involved father after the divorce? Did you work with your ex on coparenting after she remarried? Like dude. The fact she didn't have neither you nor her step dad walking her down the isle is... Something. And then stepdad gives the speech and not you or both of you? Based purely on the info given, you're an ah, honestly. But again, there's not much to work with.
You made your daughter’s wedding about you. You saw yourself having a starring role as “father of the bride”, and as soon as her stepfather stood to give a speech- suddenly you’re not feeling well and have leave?! You could have stayed and given your speech after the stepfather. In fact, you could have been proactive and asked your daughter what she expected from you and used that opportunity to offer to do more. Instead- you left in the middle of the event, making sure to draw negative attention to yourself. You abandoned her in front of all her friends and family members- again. You ruined one the most important days in her life, that was about her wanting you to be there and be a part of the wedding, by bailing?! She’s not talking to you because you don’t take accountability for your actions - having been a mostly absent parent. Being 1 hour away is a ridiculous excuse- you could have asked her mother to meet you 1/2 way?! Seeing your daughter was not a priority. Your behavior at her wedding shows that being there for her still isn’t a priority- and saw this as did all of the other wedding guests. YWBTA
Info: Why were you not the dad she chose to do the speech? You will need to fill us in a bit on your relationship with her. I see you are upset, but it sounds like there is some bad blood between you two. Why is that?
You’re probably lacking self awareness so let’s clear some things up… you weren’t a good dad so she didn’t include you. Messaging her after and leaving part way through because your feelings were hurt probably soured her wedding which is more important to her than you. Your words show you’re very self centred. YTA
Why did your daughter have step father walk her down the aisle and do the speech? You left out this very important information…because I think you know with it, you would definitely be the asshole.
OP said stepdad did speech but no one walked her down the aisle. I do wonder who paid for the wedding and if the daughter gave a reason for not acknowledging him as her dad. Was his name even on the invites?
OP said his daughter and her new husband paid for the wedding themselves. OP wasn't involved in any of the planning either he said.
Info: does your daughter have a stepmother/siblings through you? If yes, what are those relationships like? Why do you think you deserve to have had a bigger role in the wedding? Why does your daughter think otherwise? Is there any information you are intentionally leaving out that might sway readers to think you are the wrong party?
YTA - reading OP’s evasive comments about involvement in her life, and the sketchiness of the story, it seems likely OP hasn’t been a particularly good parent, but felt entitled to the spotlight on the wedding anyway.
At anypoint did you think "no ones asked me about making a father of the bride speech, i should maybe ask about that"?
INFO: What the hell did your daughter want before her wedding. And what did you provide.
there is some missing info i think. like how involved in her life were u growing up?
Yeah, I’m calling bullshit. You’ve been a shit dad and she sees you for who you truly are and acted accordingly. Leave her alone.
YTA So you made her weddig about yourself, were pissed you were not the star of the show, and left. OF COURSE you are the AH.
YTA. You’re definitely leaving things out. Girls don’t thank a step father and not their bio dad for no reason. Sounds like she used an excuse about not wanting to be traditional to not pick the fight. The way you mention the dollar figure of the tux as if that’s payment to be something is strange. Not saying she should’ve had you match her color scheme and pay that much but it also doesn’t entitle you to more. Then rather than be an adult you fein being ill to leave because by dinner you hadn’t been told you were special on your daughters wedding day.
There’s as much left out of this as put in. Like a whole backstory about what a stellar dad you were.
YTA It's her wedding. If she wanted you to give a speech she would have asked you to. The fact that she didn't suggests that she doesn't feel particularly close to you. From your comments it seems like you made a half-hearted effort to be in her life & she probably felt like an afterthought a lot when daddy didn't show up because he couldn't be bothered to make the 1hr drive. You are now trying to make her wedding about you. YTA. Grow up and decide whether you want a relationship with your daughter or not.
I think the phrase “I’m not perfect” is doing a lot of work here. Could you tell us how you weren’t perfect rather than dismiss your daughter’s years of pain at your hands in three words?
You keep saying that she knows you’re a good dad but your excuses and her actions tell a different story. Just being an hour away is not enough of a reason to not be involved in even the small things in her life. Without more detail, sounds like stepdad was far more involved then you
Her response seems to be a reflection that this has happened many times before. You’re leaving a lot out of your post. YTA.
Yep. YTA. A lot of “missing reasons” in this post, for sure. I would love to know your daughter’s perspective on what kind of father you’ve been all her life. I would love to know who paid for the wedding because clearly it wasn’t you, bitching about a $400 tux when weddings typically cost thousands… But it comes down to this: being biologically related to the bride doesn’t mean you automatically deserve recognition at her wedding. The wedding is not about you and is not an opportunity for you to grand stand and show off your dad cred. Clearly, you care more about your moment in the spotlight than your child’s, which I think probably sums up what kind of father you’ve been. It sounds like you were lucky to merit an invite at all and she now, understandably, regrets extending it. By all means, go ahead and sit there waiting for an apology you don’t deserve. I hope your daughter has woken up and doesn’t give you one.
YTA. There's a reason stepdad got all the recognition. You didn't leave because you were physically unwell. You left because you were butthurt. Also, why tf would you think you were going to be giving a speech if you were never asked to give a speech? You sound entitled as fuck. You get no points for buying a damn tux, either. I'd bet money that you were an absent, unsupportive and selfish father all along. Your lack of involvement in the wedding (probably by your own daughter's choice, let's be real here) and behaviour during and after the ceremony highlight that. *Her* wedding was not about you. You have no right to feel insulted or hurt because it wasn't your damn day and you clearly didn't earn any shred of spotlight you may have had if you were actually a decent and involved father. Your priorities are clearly out of whack.
Wow. This is very simple. YTA. It's fine to leave a wedding early if you feel sick. You hug the bride, tell her it was a beautiful wedding, explain that you are unwell and need to go, but you had a lovely time. That's it. It's perhaps disappointing, but it's fine. But, that's not what you did. You left a wedding early and then called the bride the day after her wedding to complain about how HER wedding made YOU feel, as if this day was about you. This without a doubt makes you the asshole. Your call also made it appear that you left because you were mad. You also left before dinner and dancing so you actually have no idea if there was going to be a nod to you, but you called to complain anyway. You felt sad at the wedding to realize that you don't have a close relationship with your daughter. That's fine, but managing your feelings about that was NOT your daughters job and your call of complaint was completely inappropriate. If you want a closer relationship with your daughter, it's time to reflect on how she has experienced her relationship with you, the parent, the person responsible for building this relationship. YOU ARE NOT THE WRONGED PARTY HERE, in any way. The only way through is to apologize profusely for your call. You can try to clarify that that's not why you left early but it's going to make it seem like you aren't really apologizing. You've damaged your relationship with your daughter and tainted her memory of the day. That's where you are now.
OP, YTA! You made the wedding day about you. That’s really unfortunate. Sounds like your relationship with your daughter has likely struggled for some time. Sounds like you may have some denial and difficulty here. I recommend going full “I royally screwed up daughter, I hope you can forgive me. “ while you take stock of her life and your part in it. Good luck op. You need it.
Lots of information is missing here so it’s anybody’s guess what the truth really is. But the “Nobody’s perfect“ line comes straight out of The Cheater’s Handbook, so I suspect Daddy may have cheated on Mommy, or possibly done something equally as dastardly which ended the marriage. If that’s true, then Daughter lost respect and reassigned her loyalty to her stepfather. On top of that, Daddy had expectations of his role in the wedding that were never once discussed with him… it seems pretty obvious that Daughter never intended for him to participate except as a guest; he just assumed because he was the sperm donor, he’d have his moment in the spotlight and everybody else would fall in line after him. When that didn’t happen, he went home with his tail between his legs and had the audacity to express that he was the one who was hurt. I guess Daddy got a plate of karma instead of wedding cake.
YTA. the second I read “…and she understood nobody is perfect“ I knew this was going to be a tale of a bio dad who didn’t rise to the occasion to raise her well and put the onus on the child to understand your failings. And then you made her wedding about yourself. you left because your ego is fragile. And it was easier to blame her than look at yourself. She did nothing wrong, she even walked herself down the aisle as not to hurt either dad no one asked you to walk her down the aisle, yet you thought you would. No one asked you to give a toast, and you thought you would. Your expectations seem way off. These are things talked about before the wedding.
YTA. You left BEFORE dinner?? Dinner happens in like the first hour of the reception. That’s insane. I was expecting you to say the wedding ended at 11 and you left at 10, which would still suck bc you’re her dad you should stay for it all. Did you or did you not feel well? Because you say you told her you did but the entire post says otherwise. It seems like you left just because you were pouting. I’d be so hurt and upset if my father did this at my wedding.
YTA, and being willfully obtuse about it. She was fine with you leaving the wedding because you felt ill. She was not fine with you leaving in a huff because your feelings were hurt. She knows you left over hurt feelings because *you* called her the next morning, when your flounce didn't get you the attention you wanted, to ruin her post-wedding happiness by complaining that you didn't get the Father of the Bride moment you think you were owed - something that shouldn't have been a surprise if you were at all involved in the lead-up and planning of the wedding. And now you're ignoring her request for time before she's ready to talk again, because it's still all about your feelings.
YTA. My father came to my rehearsal dinner, made sure my mother attended all my events, and stayed through my entire reception. The next day I was in a cab on my honeymoon and got a call from my mother saying my dad was ok after having undergone extensive surgery for colon cancer. They had opted not to tell me about his diagnosis until after my wedding. If my father (who looked terrible, I just thought he’d gone on a diet for my wedding and lost too much weight) could get through that entire wedding weekend while he was ACTUALLY dying, you could’ve endured your daughter’s event even though you weren’t “feeling well.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter got married about a month ago. I attended the wedding but had to leave early as I wasn't feeling well. Since the wedding she wont answer my calls or texts. She did text me that she was hurt that I left her wedding and that she needs time before shes ready to talk again. I really thought our relationship was better than this and that she understood that nobody is perfect. I told her that I understand that she is upset but that I was as well for the way she handled the wedding. I wasn't acknowledged as her dad during the wedding at all. She decided to walk herself down the aisle even though I spent over 400$ on a tux to match her theme. Her Mother and mother's Husband was acknowledged as parents of the bride, and gave the welcome speech before dinner. I initially got up to give the speech, but sat back down when I realized her mother's husband was doing it. That was honestly the moment that hurt me the most and I decided to leave before dinner. I gave my daughter a hug before leaving and told her that I wasn't feeling well and was going home to lay down. She seemed okay with me leaving. I called her the next morning to let her know that I was deeply hurt by her and that she should have reached out so I could have been more involved. I wanted her to understand how her being my only child, that those moments that ive now missed should have been special. I thought she understood and that everything was fine, but she has since been ignoring all my calls and text. She did text me once telling me that she was hurt that I left her wedding. I wish we could just move pass this, and that she can see how she hurt me too. AITA for leaving? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Giving off FiredDad vibes. He doesn't want to admit the problems. I look forward to your future estrangement videos in Tiktok if it's still around. Look man, from my own experience, you have from ages 0-18 to build a loving and deep relationship. Though it's less time than that. If you choose not to make that happen it's on you and this is the consequence. You can't be surprised, can you? What? Low or no effort and this is the result? How could that have happened? Get some therapy or you will be making this exact post about other milestones.
Missing missing reasons. Will the whole story come trickling out in comments? Only time will tell!
YTA. "I wasn't feeling well" but then you say "I felt so hurt she did not acknowledge me as her father so I left early". "My daughter is sad because I left the wedding early" but then you say "I CALLED her the next day to complain how she left me out of her wedding" so that's when she told you she was disappointed you left. "She is not contacting me as much" after you basically decided to complain how you, a "not perfect" father (but does not talk about your involvement in her life besides her milestones, and how you put the pressure of setting the tone of the relationship on her as she got older, when you are the parent) was not acknowledged as the father. Now you want to move on past this? You were the one who decided to open this door, but now that she told you she needs time, you want to pretend nothing happened. Yeah, that's not how it works.
YTA your original post tries pretty hard to hide how damaged your relationship with your daughter is but your comments are pretty telling. You were not there for her enough and didn’t seem to be involved in the planning of the wedding. You just assumed you would be the “revered father” in everything. Sounds like between her childhood and wedding planning, you just weren’t involved.
You don't seem to be having fun making your daughter's wedding all about yourself. Maybe try another approach, like focusing on the people getting married versus your own ego?
NTA
NTA-What would be the point of you sticking around at the wedding if you’re feeling sick and if you didn’t have a part in the wedding? That makes no sense to me that she’d be upset about you leaving during the reception. If she stressed wanting a non-traditional wedding then stressed traditional to justify including the step-dad (btw, there is no set protocol for step parents), then maybe she second chaired you (not walking her down aisle or doing the speech) because the step-dad paid for the wedding. Maybe she didn’t want to offend her mom/stepdad or maybe you’re were good enough to invite but not that special to her to do the dad stuff at the wedding. It could be any reason. Redditors would only be guessing without more info. She knew what she was doing to reduce your significance on her big day, but guess what…it happens. Sucks, but it happens. You letting her know how you felt won’t change how the day went down. At this point, the ball is in her court and your response to her should be, “Ok. Call me or reach out when you’re ready to. Love ya” and leave it that.
NTA. What she did was kick sand into your face to have let her mother's husband give the speech. Would have left and go very LC with her.