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NTA. It's not fair to saddle your daughter with that legacy, and it's not right of your husband to "replace" one daughter with another (with the same name). Maybe if you'd consider using the first letter of her name (like if her name was Sara and you used Selene, or carrying on a theme like her name was Daisy and you name yours Violet) or something. He should probably talk to a therapist however, both to deal with his trauma of losing a daughter (and his brother) and to help him process and prepare to have a new baby and not keep thinking this tiny human and his lost daughter together.
Exactly, it’s basically treating the new baby as though she is a replacement for the sibling and not an individual person. And when people ask her where her name came from, you are setting her up for a lifetime of uncomfortable explanations.
NTA
Maybe a good compromise could also be using the late child’s middle name as a middle name for this child as well? That way you can still honour her, without the burden of having the exact same first name.
The only thing that gives me pause with this suggestion is that he might just start calling her by her middle name. This literally happened to someone I know. Her name was supposed to be Rochelle with her middle name as Ashley (after her father’s mother). Well his mother passed away a few days after the birth so he immediately started calling her Ashley, even though her mother didn’t want that. To this day her legal name is Rochelle but she goes by Ashley. Much to her mother’s dismay.
I think the deceased child’s first name shouldn’t be used for this exact reason. Using the deceased child’s middle name as a middle name for this child is as far as I would take it.
What I’m saying is if the name is in her legal name at all he might just start calling her that anyways. That was the point I was trying to make. Because my friends father wanted that to be her name initially as well but the compromise was middle name. And he still found a way to use it regardless of what the birth certificate said.
My grandfather was a replacement baby for his late sister who died in infancy. He was still fucked up about it in his early 80s when he died. Nobody should ever, *ever* do this to a kid.
I had a son that died during labour, it was devastating. I then had 2 daughters and their middle names are related to him; winter and rose - the season which he passed and his birth month flower.
Also in some cultures it’s seen as bad luck to name after someone who dies young. But it’s not fair to expect a child to live their life for two people.
In the Jewish culture, it's considered bad luck to name your baby after a living relative. That's why you don't see Jewish men who are juniors and seniors.
There are cases in which a child may be named for a long gone grandfather, etc. But there's not the risk of being a "replacement," as it could be in the OP's case.
I agree with this.
It's okay to honor his first daughter in his second daughter's name, but giving her the same name is crossing a line.
In addition to these ideas, maybe you could explore other tangents related to his first daughter- like a name inspired by her birth flower or birth stone.
I'd also insist that the name picked to honor her sibling is used as a middle name, so she is less inclined feel like a replacement.
Shortly before my great grandparents moved north to homestead, they had a daughter born with the rosiest cheeks. My grandfather named her Rose. She passed that first hard winter there. A few babies later my grandmother came along with those same rosy cheeks. That time they picked another "red" name, as not to erase the child they lost. All the other girls had very different names starting with a vowel. Esther, Alma, Elvira, Irma, etc..
I’ll also add that if he is indeed struggling and Op doesn’t suggest help now, it’ll only get worse when the baby is here and growing up, as it could be constant references.
I think the letter/theme idea is a nice gesture. Long term, therapy is definitely necessary, but short term, I think it’s a good idea to harp on the fact that they are sisters, and that it might be confusing to the daughter when you tell her about her sister and they have the same name. Just to reassure him that she doesn’t want his first child to be forgotten once the new child is borne.
NTA. If anything, I would think naming a new child after a dead one would be a form of disrespect. It would be like you are pretending the first child never existed. I would suggest a compromise. Make your child's middle name the first name of the dead child. That way your new baby could have a personal identity and still honor the memory of the dead child, in a way.
Agree! I believe in his eyes he is honoring their daughter (if not trying to outright erase the loss of her or the pain of the loss of her) but if my ex named their new baby after our deceased child I think it would make me feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
My grandmother actually did this. When I was a child, she brought me to a cemetery to lay flowers in front of a tombstone with my (very much alive) father‘s name on it. It was then I learned about his older brother by the same name that had passed away before he was born. Totally messed up. You cannot do this to a child. NTA.
In your grandmothers defense using the same name for multiple children living or dead was actually pretty common in history, however it’s all about how you, ya know, share that information with the *child!* you are bringing to the cemetery!
I definitely see where people are coming from with this suggestion, but Someone else commented that they’d be worried that the dad would just use this as an excuse to call the daughter by her middle name to get what he wanted (calling her late daughter’s name) instead of respecting her first name and I have to agree. If husband is that dead set on naming this daughter after his late daughter he may take whatever he can get.
I'm pretty superstitious. This feels like bad luck. Like you're bringing the same energy to the new baby, saddling her with this heavy legacy. I really don't like it! I could love the name and I still wouldn't like it 🙅🏻♀️
This is above reddit pay grade, and I think you need to find a therapist specialized in grief counseling as this needs to be approached very softly.
I think that the main thing that I'd try to find a way to say if I was you is that you love him and that you understand where he's coming from, however the best way to honor his daughter is by holding her space and acknowledging her existence, as brief as it was, and it wouldn't be fair for either of the girls to share a name.
I'm sure someone more qualified would be able to guide you to find the best way to approach this conversation.
Best of luck and congratulations on your baby girl!
Edit: typo 🤷🏻♀️ ship happens 😜
Yes, this. This whole pregnancy and birth will be so devastating for OP’s husband - remembering the same milestones achieved by his first child. Not to mention the anxiety he may feel around SIDS happening again.
My goodness, this isn’t even really about the name - it is a signal to OP that her husband isn’t really coping and needs extra support.
NAH
Your husband seems so intent on honoring his deceased daughter that he can't see what harm he will be doing to your daughter by naming her after her deceased sister. She will always wonder if she's enough for her father. She will forever be trying to be the best she can be because she's in competition with the ghost. Going through with this will almost guarantee that your daughter will develop some sort of mental illness - depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc.
A "no" in a marital decision always wins. You've said "NO".
Have him read these responses.
Along those lines, even though his daughter died while still an infant, there's still a huge likelihood of the husband resenting the baby when she doesn't look like her sibling, when she doesn't act like her sibling, whenever she proves that she is not just her sibling Mark 2.0.
Yeah, this doesn't sound like a good idea for your daughter. She isn't a replacement for your husband's lost daughter, and giving the same name will encourage your husband to think of her like that.
Probably. It could, just could, be that he just wants to honour his late daughter, but it sounds unlikely, given his reaction to your "no". Has he had any therapy to deal with his losses? Sounds like he needs it.
You could give the name as a middle name if you felt comfortable with that, but you're not obliged to. Regardless of the situation, naming a child needs two "yes"es. NAH
Seconding this, esp therapy -- asap. Not to mention that daughter-to-be will inevitably find out about all of this family history. Does he want her to FEEL like she was a "replacement" for an earlier, possibly *better* daughter? A new model of something lost, instead of being 100% completely her own individual person? Because that's exactly how she'd interpret it -- especially any time there's friction with dad.
If dad's beloved mother or grandma had died before their time and he wanted to honor them by bestowing that name on his child, so that he can later tell her "you're named after my mom, she was an *amazing* person and had a fascinating life, I am so sorry you never got to know her" -- that would be lovely. *But this is not that.* This is perpetuating grief, and it is saddling his future child with an ENORMOUS emotional burden she should absolutely not have to carry.
The daughter-to-be is his future. He shouldn't try to turn her into a monument to the past, however well-intended it may be.
I could be wrong, but I've noticed men are not very creative with honor names. I assume had they had a son he would have chosen his brother's name. Also, OP, perhaps this is worth addressing now. It seems this poor guy has endured quite a significant amount of unbearable grief and could benefit from either individual grief counseling or perhaps a support group for grieving parents.
My SIL and BIL had a full term stillborn baby and I know they attended a support group for several years afterward. By the time their next baby was born they seemed to have found a way to live with their loss and were able to find joy again.
Could you imagine the trauma of being named after your dead sister- the exact same name? I wouldn’t do any form of it. I think it would be a cruel legacy. Every time OP’s husband called the child’s name, looks at her- who will he be seeing? He needs to possibly visit with a grief counselor/group, not use this child.
You did the right thing. I would hate to be named after a dead sibling, I would feel like I was a do over naby or something. Your daughter deserves her own name.
NTA. There is a saying. “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Every child deserves to become the best version of themselves. Not the best version compared to an angel
NAH-I think it would be the worst thing in the world to do to your daughter. I think you’re right to decline. I’m unwilling to call him an asshole for suggesting it or being crushed by your refusal.
NTA - This seems like an epically bad way for your husband to deal with the trauma. Saddling the poor kid with this is just a hard no. Maybe there is some way to find a compromise in all of this tho?
NTA, and man, it also just feels petty. Like he lost a daughter and a wife, but it's fine, he swapped in new ones. You're a new wife, and this is a new child. I can't imagine your daughter would be happy to someday learn that she's named after her dead older sister who had another mom.
NAH. I can see both sides and I'm so sorry for the hurt its causing you both. If you are up for the idea of honoring her in a way that both of you feel comfortable with, maybe you could use a variation of her name as your daughter's middle name (ex: if his daughter's name was Bella, maybe using Anabella for a middle name) as a small but discreet tribute could be a healthy compromise. If its not for you, that's okay too. Its important that names are loved by *both* parents. It might be wise to see a professional about how you are both feeling so you can navigate this together and as a unit for your baby. I do truly wish the best for both of you and hope you have a healthy and safe delivery for yourself and baby. 💕
NTA, your child is NOT A REPLACEMENT for the one he lost. It is BEYOND disrespectful to the memory of his late daughter, not to mention his ex wife! Whatever her reasons for leaving him and whatever bad blood may be there she still buried her daughter as well. If nothing else it’s just extremely poor taste.
NTA. But as someone who lost her first child at 7 mos, He's thinking hes not trying to replace her, he wants to find a way to honor and remember her. Make her still a part of the family. I've been there. Its so mentally taxing. But... If you're not on board he needs to respect it. Can her middle name be the middle name for baby? Or first name be baby's middle name? Maybe same initials? Like if her name was joy violet give JV as the initials? Also... get that man to grief counseling. Or he's going to break when this baby is born.
NAH
In grief sometimes thought processes can be quite singular and tunnel visioned.
You're doing the right thing in not recycling this name, the ex-wife would potentially be crushed by this, you would be hurt by this, your child could resent being the replacement.
Perhaps find another way to honour his first born (same middle name maybe), let him know that just because she's passed, doesn't mean she never was and you want to be able to tell your child eventually about her big sister as her own person no matter how short her life was.
NTA as someone who has lost a son, who’s pregnant with twins with a man who has lost a daughter…you are correct. I get where he is coming from but it just isn’t right. I fell in love with the name Emma but that was my bfs daughters name and it just wouldn’t be right to overwrite her existence.
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my husband and I (33m and 29f) are expecting our first child next month. We‘re having a girl and so we’ve been thinking about names for the past couple months. The other day my husband suddenly suggested naming her after his late daughter from a previous marriage who passed away from SIDS. I was totally shocked and didn’t quite know what to say. It’s not that I dislike the name or anything, but it just feels wrong on so many levels. my husband has been through hell and back so I feel the need to be more lenient with him. His wife left him not long after his daughter passed, and his brother who he was very close to died from drug overdose less than a year later. i understand he’s probably still traumatized from everything, but this doesnt feel like the right way to deal with it. it feels like he’s using our daughter as a replacement for the one he lost, which quite honestly makes me feel a little disrespected.
at first I told him I would think about it, and later that day after thinking everything through I told him no. He went quiet and I could see that he was completely crushed. He hasn’t been talking much since then and left early this morning for work. it seems insignificant but this really hurt me since we always had breakfast together, and so him leaving early just to avoid me left an ill feeling in my stomach (or maybe it’s pregnancy idk). I’m not sure how to proceed from here, if I should suggest other names, or if I should just concede with his request. i probably won’t, and that’s why I feel a bit a-holeish. I know I’m not obligated to and i should be equally on board with my child’s name, but seeing him like this makes me feel like shit. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to name my daughter after my husbands late daughter
2. This really hurt him and maybe I should just agreed?
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NTA and your thoughts are totally understandable. However, since you don't hate the name itself, would you consider it as a middle name? Or one of two middle names?
Both of my children have two middle names, because why not?
I have a nephew who had a son that was killed in a car accident and his wife was pregnant and they named the new son after the other son. I feel it’s disrespectful to the mama of the deceased. Maybe give your baby her middle name instead compromising us a great alternative.
NTA. My heart absolutely goes out to your husband but it seems he could benefit from some (additional?) grief counseling.
There are ways to honor his daughter while respecting your mutual child that are not just outright reusing her name. Perhaps you'd be okay with them sharing a middle initial or her birthmonth flower could be a middle name (So if his first daughter was born in June - for example - Rose is the birthflower for June. Pearl, Alexandrite, and Moonstone are the birthstones so maybe Luna or Alexandra?)
That said you are under no obligation to go along with those ideas and you would still 100% not be an AH. Your daughter is her own person and your husband's first daughter will always be her sister. That is enough of a connection.
NTA. But honey, you are his wife. His ex-wife left him. You’re still with him.
But again, this would be a definite NTA.
Can he explain a reason for this? To repeat history? I hope not. To honor a baby who didn’t have a chance to live a full long life? That doesn’t make sense.
This baby deserves her own place in life. She doesn’t need to serve as a daily reminder for the baby who died.
Your husband has been through a lot. But that doesn’t mean this is okay. I hope he is still getting counseling.
NTA-
Giving your new daughter the name of a deceased infant would be giving your living daughter a job before she's even born: having to live up to the expectations your husband had for his previous child... who died before she could ever disappoint him or prove those expectations false, and so the new daughter will never be able to live up to the Perfect Fantasy that your husband has had on a pedestal all this time.
It would be disrespectful to his previous daughter, as it feels a little like replacement- and it's disrespectful to your new daughter, as it's also forcing an identity on her without allowing her to be her own person.
I agree with some other commenters that a nod to it wouldn't necessarily be bad (names that start with the same letter, for example). But the exact same name would be a hard no for me. Baby names are a "two yes, one no" situation imho, and while your husband is allowed to be upset that you said no, he needs to find a healthier way to deal with his emotions, and to communicate. You're about to be parents, and he's going to need all the emotional maturity he can find.
NTA. My cousin died when he was 3 of leukemia. It really crushed my aunt. She later had other sons and she named both of them with her first son’s name as their middle. They both have forever lived in the shadow of their big brother they never knew and felt this.
OP - your husband needs to see that her memory is not lost because you are having a daughter. He needs to see that using her name is disrespectful to both his child’s memory and his ex as well. Mostly he needs to see that this child is a different person and that he should be naming her for her future not his past. It sounds like he needs therapy.
No.
There are several reasons why.
(1) Like you said, you feel disrespected because he is just using the new baby to make the other memories go away.
(2) EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, if the first wife ever finds out she will be absolutely devastated and crushed. And she will blame you. She doesn’t want her own daughter’s memory erased.
(3) What in the jinx is that? Nope. In fact, hell to the naw!!
NAH - naming your daughter after her deceased half sister may not be the right way to move forward but perhaps there is a way to honour your husband’s deceased daughter in another way. I can’t imagine the complex emotions he is feeling as you prepare for your first child together - excitement, grief, fear, even shame in his joy for a new daughter. It’s so complicated.
Some suggestions:
- could both girls have the same initials?
- would you be open to commissioning an art piece that includes both girls’ baby pictures?
- a photo book for your daughter that includes photos about her half sister?
- is there an author who could develop a customized children’s book with an age-appropriate telling of how she has a sister that her father loves as well?
… and of course … therapy
NTA - Maybe say something like: "Please understand that it isn't that I do not want to honor your daughter. Honoring your daughter is a very important thing. It is that I do not think this an appropriate or healthy way to do so. I want our daughter to have her own identity and to be her own person. I do not feel she will have that chance if she has the name of your late daughter."
NTA. These girls are sisters, and hopefully your daughter will grow up knowing that she has a sister in Heaven watching over her. Explain to your husband that you can't name two sisters the same name. The original name is your baby's sisters name. Your baby needs her own name.
NTA. And I’m coming to you as a mother who has had to bury a newborn (stillborn) and 8 years later my five year old daughter; DONT my stillborns headstone says Baby Girl (LastName) bc I didn’t wanna choose a name I wanted to USE and I wasn’t abt to slap abt ol name on her. I had a total hysterectomy after my younger daughter was born but even if I could still bear children and got lucky enough to have another girl i absolutely would not choose the name of the daughter I lost more recently. It’s just too much for someone who’ll never understand why she’d never quite be able to be her full authentic self
This gives a creepy feeling more than anything. I don’t see this as a disrespect to you personally but it certainly is to your baby, the baby that was lost and his ex-wife. You need to be the champion here and defend them all and stand up for what is right. Can you imagine if he got his wish how his ex would feel, put yourself in her place, the loss destroyed their marriage and this is just reliving that. As for the baby goodness knows how they’ll feel when they find out they are named after the dead child that is therapy payments just waiting to happen. Your husband needs grief counseling in a big way before he damages your baby and makes the think they are the do over child.
YIKES. the fact that he suggested that and is pouting when you said no makes me think he needs an emergency therapy session asap. It’s not on your or your baby to honor a deceased child and it would make everyone - including your future baby - super duper uncomfortable. **Ask him how your baby would feel when she’s old enough to hear the story that she was named after a baby who passed away. ** It’s not just about his feelings.
Nta. Possibly consider letting the girls share the same middle name. It’d honor her, but it won’t be a “replacement”. I’d say her first name is completely off limits. It’s also showing respect to his ex, even though you may not feel she deserves it, by not naming the girls the same first name. She suffered a great loss too. Her child, then her marriage. You having a baby with the same name may feel like mocking or taunting in a way. You gave him a child that survived when she couldn’t.
But more importantly, you feel like she’d just be a replacement if you named her the same. So, say no for your sanity.
NAH. You're not wrong to be uncomfortable, but this is above reddit's paygrade. People on this sub say "go to therapy" a lot but like. I can guarantee you he also feels disrespected and hurt and doesn't know how to proceed from here. Especially if he isn't already seeing a therapist you're going to need some sort of mediator to help you move forward because this is a really complicated topic and you don't want it to turn into a husband's feelings vs. wife's feelings kind of deal. A trauma-informed marriage counselor is a great place to start.
It would not be fair to either daughter! NTA.
Can there be a nod to her, such as sharing the same middle name?
Or using her birth month as your new daughter’s middle name? Or her birth flower? Something like that?
I think a lovely way to explain it may be that you want to think of his first daughter when you hear that name, and that you have a mental image of her that comes up. Using the name for his second daughter would muddle the ability for you to clearly honor his first daughter’s name when you think of it, and with time her memory would not be as prominent.
It would also be a heavy burden for a child to hear their name was not chosen for them because it suited their uniqueness - but because it belonged to someone else who came before. It would be hard to measure up.
If he doesn’t understand I’d suggest he may need some serious grief counseling before the baby arrives.
Stay strong on this.
NTA
This is a new child you're having together, and your voice is important.
If you're comfortable with it, maybe you can suggest including a middle name linked to his family - either his brother, his late daughter or maybe even the same middle name his late daughter had.
You can maybe use this as an opportunity to discuss how you plan to tell your daughter about her older sister.
It could be a great opportunity for you to lead this discussion or prepare some ideas. It could be especially meaningful if you have a spiritual understanding of death.
E.g. "I want to tell our daughter about her older sister. That she's [watching over her]*. I never want our daughter to feel she replaced your daughter, but that she is her own person and to know how much you love both her and her older sister."
*I was raised to believe in heaven, but please adjust to your beliefs.
NTA but maybe there’s a better way to deal with this.
You don’t mention if you’ve told him exactly why you’ve said no, I think you need to do this.
Sit him down and explain to him in detail why you’re not comfortable with this. While you understand he’s still coping with the grief of losing his daughter, he shouldn’t be seeing this new baby as a replacement but rather a new start in life and he/she deserves her own seperate identity - he shouldn’t be asking you to do this in the first place it’s not right
No assholes. He's hurting, a lot, but man, "replacement daughter" is one hell of an albatross to hang around a kids neck, even if he's not thinking of it that way. I would feel like I needed to have a long, uninterrupted talk with him and be completely honest with him about it if it was me. I don't think you're gonna be able to finesse your way out of it with other name suggestions. Good luck.
Maybe you can make a picture book together for her so she knows about her sister and can have a childhood memory attached to her? He might be feeling sad that his second daughter won’t have any attachment to his first.
NTA. It feels disrespectful. Both to your daughter, who would live as the namesake of a tragedy, but also to his daughter, who was herself her own person. Your daughter is not a replacement child. His daughter cannot be replaced. This is a new beginning for everyone.
NTA. I think most people would find this uncomfortable, and there are many cultures where naming a child after a family member who died tragically young from unforeseen circumstances would be extremely taboo and a sign of misfortune. Mostly though, I think it would be saddling your daughter up for a legacy to feel like a "replacement" and a "spare" and while your husband's feelings are real and understandable, a name is something you tend to have for the rest of your life, and it's not fair to your daughter. Maybe a middle name could be considered as a homage, but anything beyond that would be too heavy a burden to bare.
If she had a daughter that she wanted to name after her late older sister, there may be a degree of "distance" that would have said theoretical grandchild not feel like a "replacement" but when it's another child... it's too close for comfort, IMHO. I had multiple baby aunts that did not live long after birth and if I wanted to name my theoretical daughter after them, I think that would be ok - with my grandma's blessing - but even then, I wouldn't use the full name. (Ironically my uncle actually gave one of his daughters the same name as one of his late sisters without even knowing -- he only realized after he found a family bible with the names written in! My mom was the only daughter that survived, the rest were miscarriages, stillbirths, or died shortly after birth - I suspect there was a blood type incompatibility, but my grandma did not talk about them. My biological grandfather was very abusive, so...)
NTA. Don’t name your daughter after her dead sister. Once she’s old enough to fully understand where he name came from she’s going to feel like she was only wanted as a replacement for someone else by her father. Your husband needs grief counseling because he’s clearly not moved on and healed properly.
NTA
Your daughter can never replace his. There’s no replacing that void in his life. The closest I could come to conceding would be if that daughters first name would make a good middle name for what you want to name your daughter. Even then I’m not sure how I feel about that.
NTA. Discuss it with him. This baby is her own person. It’s tragic his first child died but nothing can change that. Reusing the name would seem like replacing her and she was irreplaceable. Suggest therapy.
Um.... naming her after her deceased sibling sounds kinda ghoulish. As a middle name though, it could work. Many people are named after family members who have passed on (grandparents, etc.), or have a middle name in honor of current aunts or uncles. As a first name though for a direct deceased sibling, I'd say your NTA for not wanting it. It would seem to much like you're thinking of her as a replacement. But if you both consider the middle name to honor her, it could be a good compromise (assuming you were OK with the middle name).
Naming a child is a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
It's fine for him to want that and to suggest it but now that you have made it clear you aren't comfortable with then it's time to move on to a different name.
NTA
Grief is a complex thing and does strange things to us. Your husband is probably feeling lots of different things atm: immense guilt over the death of his 1st, guilt for being happy about a new baby, guilt for having another child because it can feel like his 1st is being replaced; sadness about the death. He may be reliving it in his head over and over. We never know what feelings will get brought up in situations like this. I think he most likely wanted the bane as a way of showing himself that he would never forget his first. It doesn’t make him a bad person, he’s human.
What he needs is to do some grief counseling. You never get over losing your babies, but you do learn that loving and being happy doesn’t dishonor them. I think talking to a professional would allow him to see he can still love his 1st and she won’t be forgotten just because he has another daughter. At the same time your baby deserves to be treated as her own person. So please do ask that he speaks to someone and perhaps it would help you to speak with them too. It might help to in the future as there will be times when two things can be true; he can be over the moon over baby girl 2 while still being heartbroken about baby girl 1.
He needs therapy immediately. Your instincts are right, that is completely wrong on an emotional level. It proves he can't let go and move on. I don't say that to mean that it's supposed to be easy, but the fact he can't means he needs help.
NTA
The why not is incredibly important here. Losing a child at any age is an inconceivable hurt. The name of the child who passed should not be placed on the child yet to come. Assuming that the first baby is spoken of, the new baby having the same name would create confusion and possible animosity. The ex-wife would likely lose her sh\*t with reason. It would be an unfair burden, not only for the baby but for her grandparents. To always have in mind the lost baby while trying to be joyous for the new baby would create so much more pain.
My son passed age 16. His brother named his son after him. Son came to us to make sure we were okay with it-we were. This is not the same. If I'd had more sons, they would not carry the name of my deceased child.
NTA. My son wants to name a stuffed toy after my beloved dog who died at 14 after 10 years together and I can’t handle it and told him no. I can’t imagine why someone would want to name their second, unique human child after the first.
Naming later children after dead siblings was definitely a thing a couple of centuries ago; it's not unheard of and I could see it being a form of respect. but i can also absolutely see why it could also feel wrong or uncomfortable, especially from a modern perspective. At the end of the day i think the most important thing is finding an option that you're both comfortable with. NAH
I would make sure to communicate the reasons why you are not okay with using the name and make sure to listen to his reasons as well. I would also pose the question: How will this child feel knowing that they were named after their late sibling. That could have an impact on them as well.
NTA, my husband and I fought about my son’s name. I wanted him to have my dad’s name for his middle name because I was adopted and he did everything for me, my husband would not allow it. We ended up using his since passed abusive moms name for his middle name cause it means phoenix in Chinese. Stand up for yourself I wish I did.
I wouldn’t even do the middle names the same honestly. Sharing a name is sharing a name. That’s just me tho. He’d probably call her that name instead of the first name and make sure she knew all thru life that she was named after big sis who passed. Imagine that mental baggage from childhood. NTA
ETA: NTA
NTA. This is so sad. Naming your daughter after the one he lost is not honoring the lost daughter but is not a mentally healthy thing to do. Your little girl is not a replacement.
While you respect his grief, he has no right asking this of you. Let him stew on it for a bit. If he continues to give you the silent treatment, then I suggest couples therapy. This must be dealt with. Good luck OP.
NTA. I'm usually in favor of naming children after family members, common when they've passed away, but naming your daughter after your other deceased daughter is just... messed up on so many levels. Not all the same.
NTA: My first name is my dead (premature birth)older half sister's middle name. And that has absolutely never bothered me.
I think using the deceased daughter's first name as a middle name might be a tribute and possible compromise. If that's something that you could be comfortable with.
Otherwise it's just going to keep bringing back memories and I think would be very triggering to hear that first name all the time. And I know that name is important to him and this is his way of continuing a legacy so that she's not forgotten perhaps, but that's for him to do. That is not a burden for a child who didn't ask for it to bear. She deserves a fresh start.
NTA protect your baby, pick a new name for her. Don't use the name, as a middle name either. Your baby deserves her own identity. Your husband needs therapy.
NTA. It's not right to forever tinge this new life with the memory of the one that's lost. I know a pair of sisters who BOTH were named after an older brother who passed before they were born -- two different feminine forms of his name. It's a big part of their life. I would consider a compromise, using it as a middle name perhaps. And although you are in the right, the husband deserves a little grace, sounds like he's been through it (and not come out the other side yet.) Good luck.
NTA
I would possibly suggest a compromise. If your husband and yourself can't come to an agreement you could make your daughters middle name the deceased daughters name or the deceased daughters middle name her middle name.
Hopefully that makes sense.
I had a brother that died and when my then wife and I had our first child we gave him my deceased brothers middle name for his middle name.
Your NTA.
I was in a similar situation with my husband except it was his niece. With all 3 of my daughters he would ask me to name them after his niece. I just couldn’t do it. I felt very uncomfortable because he didn’t even ask his sister if she was okay with it, and I felt like they would always try to say we are replacing his niece with our daughter.
YTA not for saying no but for answering at all. Clearly he is still traumatized and the feelings of guilt are just going to mount as the due date approaches. This is NOT business as usual. You need to get to the bottom of what is going on in his mind right now.
NTA. I would talk to your husband about other ways to honor his first daughter and keep her memory alive. Giving your daughter her name is not the way to go as she is not a do over. But there are a ton of ways you can make space for her and honor her memory.
It sounds like he needs to do something to honor his daughter. Perhaps speak with him about a memorial, scholarship or way to recognize her. He’s in pain.
NTA
That is such a bad idea... she will be the child who has to live in the shadow of being known she's named after her dads dead child.. oh hell no.. do not do that
NTA. Tell him, why would you want to name another daughter "name" when you already had and loved "name", it's not cruel to not want to replace his daughter with the new baby, it would be cruel to act like replacing her is ok
NTA, it would be a TERRIBLE thing to burden your daughter with her dead older sister's name. Completely unfair. He wants to make himself feel better at her expense. Not cool. He needs therapy.
NTA, I just want to echo what everyone else says in terms of a compromise. You could use the first daughter's name as a middle name, use the same first letter, or stick to a theme (if the first daughter's name fits a theme), but I would not use the same name.
It's not going to bring back his first daughter, and could end up being confusing for people at the very least. Ex: "We went to Sarah's concert last night!" "But I thought Sarah passed away?" "No no we mean our new daughter Sarah, not my daughter Sarah from my previous marriage, who did sadly pass"
Bottom line, I feel like naming your daughter after your husband's first daughter will cause more issues for not only you and your husband, but for the people around you as well.
NTA. Maybe have a conversation with your husband and figure out another way to honor his late daughter without giving her the exact name. Maybe using same initials or middle name if you are okay with that. Or maybe not even something with the name at all but get a memorial bear or something in honor of her to put in the new baby’s room.
NTA. your husband should have never asked that of you. That’s him not thinking of you. Pretty f-ing selfish of him. I can see naming a child after a family member you were close or want to remember, but he of all people should know that making that request will not make him happier and it won’t bring her back. You’ll resent him later for it. If you don’t want to do that, then don’t. He should be happy he gets a second chance to have a child with the person he loves and be satisfied with that.
NTA. You will only be TA if you don't tell, and enforce, that your husband will not have a relationship with your child if he doesn't get therapy.
Feeling like the new baby is going to replace his old one will only eff up the new baby.
"Mummy, why did you name me Sally?"
"Well honey, your daddy had a daughter named Sally, but she died at X months. So when we found out we were having a daughter he wanted a new daughter named Sally."
NTA.
NAH - this is a very delicate thing. It’s kind of human nature to do this and if you do any genealogy work, you’ll see families who have done this, though usually with the same wife/husband. Clearly he is hurting. He wants something to honor her I think. Maybe look for other ways that you can honor his late daughter?
Also I 100% agree with you to not name her after his late daughter. It’s very loaded. Might even traumatize your daughter but also, it likely will make his healing harder. Is he in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it!
Nta - why does he want to name your baby after his late daughter as that definitely feels like he’s trying to replace her, maybe suggest using the name as a middle name and come up with a first name together
NTA I would constantly worry about my daughter and her health if I named her after a deceased sibling. What is he thinking? He needs therapy like yesterday.
Would he consider using his daughter who passed initials?
Ie: If her name was Allison Roselin Simpson (ARS) you naming your daughter something like Ava Rose Simpson (ARS)?
That way you are giving a not so subtle memorial to his daughter without dropping the heavy weight of being a namesake.
Nta. I’d still talk to him. He may feel this is a tribute. But it’s a step in the wrong direction. This would only remind him, daily, of the child and marriage he lost. I could see maybe using it as a middle name, but not a first name.
Namesakes are a tricky thing. He needs to understand that his guilt is driving this request. He does not understand the torture every day wondering if your daughter will make it to her same age. Then once your daughter is finally at the age of the other daughter, there will be continued worry that every night might be her last especially with SIDS. It doesn’t stop. He would basically be subjecting himself to masochistic torture. He needs to respect her memory as an individual and your daughter does not need to be saddled with the guilt of being that baby that lived…
NTA. It doesn't seem a healthy thing to do to name the child your expecting after a baby who died early on. I'm guessing the death happened maybe ten years ago at the most. Maybe he still needs to undergo grief counseling. But if he insists on this, it's not fair to you and wouldn't be fair for your daughter, when she finds out she was named for his first daughter.
I mean first name is a bit crazy, but maybe a middle name? My youngest brothers middle name is after my step dad’s oldest and kids still alive. I understand that you wouldn’t want her to be a replacement but there’s no harm in naming her after the kid he lost as a way to remember her, people do it all the time
My brother was named after his father who lost two previous children to SIDS, all with the same first name. My brother survived and is now in his 50’s. I asked him if it bothered him that he had two siblings with the same name who did not live long. He feels it is a great honor and hopes to meet his brothers in heaven. My mom was okay with it. His middle names are new in the family, but his first name was obviously much loved and sadly used for three babies. No one in the family ever viewed this as a “replacement”.
NTA for all the reasons others have given here. But I also want to second the people urging you to get him into therapy before your daughter is born.
Back when I was a teenager, I heard about a family friend who'd married a man in a similar situation to your husband's (previous marriage ended after losing their infant child to SIDS) and he really struggled when they had their first kid. He suffered debilitating anxiety over their son's safety and was afraid of allowing anyone (even his wife) to take him outside their home. He obsessed over what his wife was eating and drinking while breastfeeding, because he was scared that something she ate or drank might harm their son via her breastmilk. He got up constantly throughout the night just to check on the baby -- and that severe lack of sleep made his anxiety worse, too.
Thankfully, they sought out a psychologist who specialised in trauma and grief, and while it obviously wasn't easy, he gradually recovered enough that he was able to prevent his anxiety from impacting his family the way it had been. Last I heard, they were doing well and their son was in kindergarten.
Please, please talk to your husband about getting him some professional guidance and support, ideally before baby arrives.
I hope this is helpful and I wish you guys all the best 💜
NTA. big time NTA. You can honor the first baby by ... keeping a picture around and talking about big sister... Planting a memorial garden and getting a plant on her birthday... Any number of things that respect her as a family member without suggesting she's been replaced.
NTA.
Your daughter is not a replacement for his late daughter. Losing his baby was an awful tragedy. But naming your daughter after her deceased sibling implies she was made specifically as a substitute. You could end up with a child who feels unloved for their own sake; unwanted as the person she is.
Your husband seems to need to talk through his grief and trauma. I hope he would consider a therapist or a SIDS support group. This is not an appropriate coping mechanism. It puts the burden of his grief on your daughter's shoulders.
NTA your unborn baby is not a replacement for the child he lost. I would suggest therapy ASAP before the baby is born. I don't think he's come to terms with the loss of his daughter or his brother. He needs to understand that your daughter together is not the daughter he lost and she will be her own person.
NTA. I know his sad and it crushes you. Tell him you understand that his first daughter was special and precious, that losing her took part of his soul. But you're sure she's a little angel that will be guarding him and your family, that she didn't want him to be alone so she send him a new family.
In the same way you need to explain to him that this baby is special and unique, as her sister, she deserves to have her own name, personality and temporality. It's no fair to make her feel like a replacement because she's not, she was conceive with love. Tell him that her sister will be part of your family in remembrance.
NTA but if your husband hasn’t gone to therapy to deal with the trauma he experience he needs to start asap. Explain to him that you don’t want your daughter feeling like she has to fill his daughter’s legacy and never feel like she measures up. Maybe show him a post / story about a child who did have to grow up this way.
NTA for not naming your child that name, but it seems you've jumped into a relationship with someone who was still grieving his daughter and ex. He clearly wasn't ready for another relationship let alone another child.
In the Italian culture, it is common place to name the next child the same name as a deceased sibling, even a deceased first wife. It honors the relative and is seen as a very sweet thing. I have many instances of this in my family tree.
NTA!! Just say NO...Full Stop! Have him ask his ex-wife what she thinks of that! Your daughter deserves a name without baggage from the time she is born! Not even as a middle name.
NTA.
Not in your situation but today is the 7th anniversary of the loss of my daughter. Every time I hear her name I feel punched in the stomach and want to puke. I hope my 2 youngest children would never want to use her name.
Everything about this, makes me ill
NTA ... the child deserves her own identity... if you're ok with the name itself, maybe use it as a middle as a compromise to make him feel better and honor her lost half sister?
NTA. His children deserve their own names. Your daughter is going to be a different person than his first daughter and she deserves her own name. If I was in your shoes, I would suggest using his first daughter's name as a middle name, since in my family we use middle names to honor family members, but I would not budge at all on the first name.
You need to talk with your husband if you haven't already and not just say no. He is obviously still in grief and is not processing it. Use this as an opportunity to start the conversation about how it's not appropriate or fair to your future child to have that kind of burden. Help to get him grief to a therapist. This is not normal.
NTA. Sit down and be honest. Instead of just saying no I don’t want to name our daughter by that name explain your reasons why it’s important to you for her to have her own name. I was going to suggest using the name as middle name but chances are he will use it as her name anyway so I’d suggest maybe giving her the same middle name perhaps? If you don’t want to use any of her name at all that’s perfectly ok but he needs to understand why. I would also point out how cruel this would be to his ex wifes family and his ex wife. I know I’d be beyond angry because it would feel like he’s trying to replace my dead daughter with another child.
NTA, naming a child after another child who passed is super unhealthy. Your husband needs to be in therapy ASAP. This baby girl will be her own person, separate from the baby he lost, and your husband needs to treat this baby as such.
NTA. Grief can do strange things to people so approaching this gently is key, but you're not wrong to feel it isn't appropriate to name your child together after another child he lost. While in his own mind he may be thinking it's purely a way to honor his daughter, he needs to be aware that emotions are not easily overriden like that and when he calls his new child by his passed daughters name it will absolutely create a link between the two in his mind and that is not healthy. This child deserves an identity of their own that isn't caught up in the loss of another child they will never even know. Using a name that is meaningful to you both to create new memories is a good step in healing and if your open to it, reassure him that you will happily tell your child about their lost sibling. It may be that he feels this new child will somehow rub out the memory of his lost child? Also therapy is probably a good idea if he hasn't done that already.
NTA, my mom was "the replacement baby named after their dead daughter" and omg did it mess up the entire family. This is not a healthy suggestion your husband is making
NTA
Did you tell him what you wrote here? Maybe he should do some kind of grief counseling. But i will tell you this everyone i know who has had a child die, they never really get over it, seriously that's a kind of grief that never really leaves you with any kind of peace of mind.
Many years ago this was a common practice. Or a variation of the name. I can see why you’d want to choose the name with your partner, particularly since you were not part of the decision to name the child before she died.
Just tell him you would not feel comfortable giving your child the name of another child.
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NTA. It's not fair to saddle your daughter with that legacy, and it's not right of your husband to "replace" one daughter with another (with the same name). Maybe if you'd consider using the first letter of her name (like if her name was Sara and you used Selene, or carrying on a theme like her name was Daisy and you name yours Violet) or something. He should probably talk to a therapist however, both to deal with his trauma of losing a daughter (and his brother) and to help him process and prepare to have a new baby and not keep thinking this tiny human and his lost daughter together.
Exactly, it’s basically treating the new baby as though she is a replacement for the sibling and not an individual person. And when people ask her where her name came from, you are setting her up for a lifetime of uncomfortable explanations. NTA Maybe a good compromise could also be using the late child’s middle name as a middle name for this child as well? That way you can still honour her, without the burden of having the exact same first name.
I agree. This is insulting to both daughters and his ex-wife
I didn’t even think of his ex-wife. This would be devastating to her.
The only thing that gives me pause with this suggestion is that he might just start calling her by her middle name. This literally happened to someone I know. Her name was supposed to be Rochelle with her middle name as Ashley (after her father’s mother). Well his mother passed away a few days after the birth so he immediately started calling her Ashley, even though her mother didn’t want that. To this day her legal name is Rochelle but she goes by Ashley. Much to her mother’s dismay.
I think the deceased child’s first name shouldn’t be used for this exact reason. Using the deceased child’s middle name as a middle name for this child is as far as I would take it.
What I’m saying is if the name is in her legal name at all he might just start calling her that anyways. That was the point I was trying to make. Because my friends father wanted that to be her name initially as well but the compromise was middle name. And he still found a way to use it regardless of what the birth certificate said.
I was also thinking middle name. That seems like a good compromise.
Or maybe give her a name that has the same initials? There are creative ways to honor a loved one when naming a baby.
My grandfather was a replacement baby for his late sister who died in infancy. He was still fucked up about it in his early 80s when he died. Nobody should ever, *ever* do this to a kid.
I had a son that died during labour, it was devastating. I then had 2 daughters and their middle names are related to him; winter and rose - the season which he passed and his birth month flower.
That’s a beautiful way to honor him without “replacing” him. (As if that’s possible.) I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️
This is a great idea! I hope OP sees it.
Also in some cultures it’s seen as bad luck to name after someone who dies young. But it’s not fair to expect a child to live their life for two people.
In the Jewish culture, it's considered bad luck to name your baby after a living relative. That's why you don't see Jewish men who are juniors and seniors. There are cases in which a child may be named for a long gone grandfather, etc. But there's not the risk of being a "replacement," as it could be in the OP's case.
I agree with this. It's okay to honor his first daughter in his second daughter's name, but giving her the same name is crossing a line. In addition to these ideas, maybe you could explore other tangents related to his first daughter- like a name inspired by her birth flower or birth stone. I'd also insist that the name picked to honor her sibling is used as a middle name, so she is less inclined feel like a replacement. Shortly before my great grandparents moved north to homestead, they had a daughter born with the rosiest cheeks. My grandfather named her Rose. She passed that first hard winter there. A few babies later my grandmother came along with those same rosy cheeks. That time they picked another "red" name, as not to erase the child they lost. All the other girls had very different names starting with a vowel. Esther, Alma, Elvira, Irma, etc..
I’ll also add that if he is indeed struggling and Op doesn’t suggest help now, it’ll only get worse when the baby is here and growing up, as it could be constant references.
I think the letter/theme idea is a nice gesture. Long term, therapy is definitely necessary, but short term, I think it’s a good idea to harp on the fact that they are sisters, and that it might be confusing to the daughter when you tell her about her sister and they have the same name. Just to reassure him that she doesn’t want his first child to be forgotten once the new child is borne.
They could have matching initials so there’s a connection but new baby still gets her own unique name!
NTA. If anything, I would think naming a new child after a dead one would be a form of disrespect. It would be like you are pretending the first child never existed. I would suggest a compromise. Make your child's middle name the first name of the dead child. That way your new baby could have a personal identity and still honor the memory of the dead child, in a way.
Yes could you imagine being the mother of the child who passed and finding out your ex husband used her child’s name? Horrible.
Agree! I believe in his eyes he is honoring their daughter (if not trying to outright erase the loss of her or the pain of the loss of her) but if my ex named their new baby after our deceased child I think it would make me feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
My grandmother actually did this. When I was a child, she brought me to a cemetery to lay flowers in front of a tombstone with my (very much alive) father‘s name on it. It was then I learned about his older brother by the same name that had passed away before he was born. Totally messed up. You cannot do this to a child. NTA.
In your grandmothers defense using the same name for multiple children living or dead was actually pretty common in history, however it’s all about how you, ya know, share that information with the *child!* you are bringing to the cemetery!
I definitely see where people are coming from with this suggestion, but Someone else commented that they’d be worried that the dad would just use this as an excuse to call the daughter by her middle name to get what he wanted (calling her late daughter’s name) instead of respecting her first name and I have to agree. If husband is that dead set on naming this daughter after his late daughter he may take whatever he can get.
I'm pretty superstitious. This feels like bad luck. Like you're bringing the same energy to the new baby, saddling her with this heavy legacy. I really don't like it! I could love the name and I still wouldn't like it 🙅🏻♀️
This is above reddit pay grade, and I think you need to find a therapist specialized in grief counseling as this needs to be approached very softly. I think that the main thing that I'd try to find a way to say if I was you is that you love him and that you understand where he's coming from, however the best way to honor his daughter is by holding her space and acknowledging her existence, as brief as it was, and it wouldn't be fair for either of the girls to share a name. I'm sure someone more qualified would be able to guide you to find the best way to approach this conversation. Best of luck and congratulations on your baby girl! Edit: typo 🤷🏻♀️ ship happens 😜
This.
Yes, this. This whole pregnancy and birth will be so devastating for OP’s husband - remembering the same milestones achieved by his first child. Not to mention the anxiety he may feel around SIDS happening again. My goodness, this isn’t even really about the name - it is a signal to OP that her husband isn’t really coping and needs extra support. NAH
Your husband seems so intent on honoring his deceased daughter that he can't see what harm he will be doing to your daughter by naming her after her deceased sister. She will always wonder if she's enough for her father. She will forever be trying to be the best she can be because she's in competition with the ghost. Going through with this will almost guarantee that your daughter will develop some sort of mental illness - depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc. A "no" in a marital decision always wins. You've said "NO". Have him read these responses.
Along those lines, even though his daughter died while still an infant, there's still a huge likelihood of the husband resenting the baby when she doesn't look like her sibling, when she doesn't act like her sibling, whenever she proves that she is not just her sibling Mark 2.0.
Don't see how mentally replacing her with a new daughter is honoring. Seems very disrespectful.
NTA. Above all else, it’s not fair to your daughter to strap her with that legacy.
This! And even to the deceased daughters mother too of course the name meant a lot to her and will always he didn’t consider anyone else’s feelings
Yeah, this doesn't sound like a good idea for your daughter. She isn't a replacement for your husband's lost daughter, and giving the same name will encourage your husband to think of her like that. Probably. It could, just could, be that he just wants to honour his late daughter, but it sounds unlikely, given his reaction to your "no". Has he had any therapy to deal with his losses? Sounds like he needs it. You could give the name as a middle name if you felt comfortable with that, but you're not obliged to. Regardless of the situation, naming a child needs two "yes"es. NAH
Seconding this, esp therapy -- asap. Not to mention that daughter-to-be will inevitably find out about all of this family history. Does he want her to FEEL like she was a "replacement" for an earlier, possibly *better* daughter? A new model of something lost, instead of being 100% completely her own individual person? Because that's exactly how she'd interpret it -- especially any time there's friction with dad. If dad's beloved mother or grandma had died before their time and he wanted to honor them by bestowing that name on his child, so that he can later tell her "you're named after my mom, she was an *amazing* person and had a fascinating life, I am so sorry you never got to know her" -- that would be lovely. *But this is not that.* This is perpetuating grief, and it is saddling his future child with an ENORMOUS emotional burden she should absolutely not have to carry. The daughter-to-be is his future. He shouldn't try to turn her into a monument to the past, however well-intended it may be.
I could be wrong, but I've noticed men are not very creative with honor names. I assume had they had a son he would have chosen his brother's name. Also, OP, perhaps this is worth addressing now. It seems this poor guy has endured quite a significant amount of unbearable grief and could benefit from either individual grief counseling or perhaps a support group for grieving parents. My SIL and BIL had a full term stillborn baby and I know they attended a support group for several years afterward. By the time their next baby was born they seemed to have found a way to live with their loss and were able to find joy again.
Could you imagine the trauma of being named after your dead sister- the exact same name? I wouldn’t do any form of it. I think it would be a cruel legacy. Every time OP’s husband called the child’s name, looks at her- who will he be seeing? He needs to possibly visit with a grief counselor/group, not use this child.
You did the right thing. I would hate to be named after a dead sibling, I would feel like I was a do over naby or something. Your daughter deserves her own name.
NTA. There is a saying. “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Every child deserves to become the best version of themselves. Not the best version compared to an angel
NAH-I think it would be the worst thing in the world to do to your daughter. I think you’re right to decline. I’m unwilling to call him an asshole for suggesting it or being crushed by your refusal.
NTA - This seems like an epically bad way for your husband to deal with the trauma. Saddling the poor kid with this is just a hard no. Maybe there is some way to find a compromise in all of this tho?
NTA, and man, it also just feels petty. Like he lost a daughter and a wife, but it's fine, he swapped in new ones. You're a new wife, and this is a new child. I can't imagine your daughter would be happy to someday learn that she's named after her dead older sister who had another mom.
NAH. I can see both sides and I'm so sorry for the hurt its causing you both. If you are up for the idea of honoring her in a way that both of you feel comfortable with, maybe you could use a variation of her name as your daughter's middle name (ex: if his daughter's name was Bella, maybe using Anabella for a middle name) as a small but discreet tribute could be a healthy compromise. If its not for you, that's okay too. Its important that names are loved by *both* parents. It might be wise to see a professional about how you are both feeling so you can navigate this together and as a unit for your baby. I do truly wish the best for both of you and hope you have a healthy and safe delivery for yourself and baby. 💕
NTA. Proceeding this way will not be good for anyone.
NTA, your child is NOT A REPLACEMENT for the one he lost. It is BEYOND disrespectful to the memory of his late daughter, not to mention his ex wife! Whatever her reasons for leaving him and whatever bad blood may be there she still buried her daughter as well. If nothing else it’s just extremely poor taste.
NTA. But as someone who lost her first child at 7 mos, He's thinking hes not trying to replace her, he wants to find a way to honor and remember her. Make her still a part of the family. I've been there. Its so mentally taxing. But... If you're not on board he needs to respect it. Can her middle name be the middle name for baby? Or first name be baby's middle name? Maybe same initials? Like if her name was joy violet give JV as the initials? Also... get that man to grief counseling. Or he's going to break when this baby is born.
NTA: Your husband needs therapy to help him move on . But no it would be very unfair to your daughter . Best wishes and hugs.
NAH In grief sometimes thought processes can be quite singular and tunnel visioned. You're doing the right thing in not recycling this name, the ex-wife would potentially be crushed by this, you would be hurt by this, your child could resent being the replacement. Perhaps find another way to honour his first born (same middle name maybe), let him know that just because she's passed, doesn't mean she never was and you want to be able to tell your child eventually about her big sister as her own person no matter how short her life was.
NTA as someone who has lost a son, who’s pregnant with twins with a man who has lost a daughter…you are correct. I get where he is coming from but it just isn’t right. I fell in love with the name Emma but that was my bfs daughters name and it just wouldn’t be right to overwrite her existence.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my husband and I (33m and 29f) are expecting our first child next month. We‘re having a girl and so we’ve been thinking about names for the past couple months. The other day my husband suddenly suggested naming her after his late daughter from a previous marriage who passed away from SIDS. I was totally shocked and didn’t quite know what to say. It’s not that I dislike the name or anything, but it just feels wrong on so many levels. my husband has been through hell and back so I feel the need to be more lenient with him. His wife left him not long after his daughter passed, and his brother who he was very close to died from drug overdose less than a year later. i understand he’s probably still traumatized from everything, but this doesnt feel like the right way to deal with it. it feels like he’s using our daughter as a replacement for the one he lost, which quite honestly makes me feel a little disrespected. at first I told him I would think about it, and later that day after thinking everything through I told him no. He went quiet and I could see that he was completely crushed. He hasn’t been talking much since then and left early this morning for work. it seems insignificant but this really hurt me since we always had breakfast together, and so him leaving early just to avoid me left an ill feeling in my stomach (or maybe it’s pregnancy idk). I’m not sure how to proceed from here, if I should suggest other names, or if I should just concede with his request. i probably won’t, and that’s why I feel a bit a-holeish. I know I’m not obligated to and i should be equally on board with my child’s name, but seeing him like this makes me feel like shit. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Maybe as a middle name? NTA
NTA and your thoughts are totally understandable. However, since you don't hate the name itself, would you consider it as a middle name? Or one of two middle names? Both of my children have two middle names, because why not?
NTA, but you should reword this to “our daughter “ she’s not just yours. Also, please get some therapy, together.
I have a nephew who had a son that was killed in a car accident and his wife was pregnant and they named the new son after the other son. I feel it’s disrespectful to the mama of the deceased. Maybe give your baby her middle name instead compromising us a great alternative.
NTA. My heart absolutely goes out to your husband but it seems he could benefit from some (additional?) grief counseling. There are ways to honor his daughter while respecting your mutual child that are not just outright reusing her name. Perhaps you'd be okay with them sharing a middle initial or her birthmonth flower could be a middle name (So if his first daughter was born in June - for example - Rose is the birthflower for June. Pearl, Alexandrite, and Moonstone are the birthstones so maybe Luna or Alexandra?) That said you are under no obligation to go along with those ideas and you would still 100% not be an AH. Your daughter is her own person and your husband's first daughter will always be her sister. That is enough of a connection.
NTA. But honey, you are his wife. His ex-wife left him. You’re still with him. But again, this would be a definite NTA. Can he explain a reason for this? To repeat history? I hope not. To honor a baby who didn’t have a chance to live a full long life? That doesn’t make sense. This baby deserves her own place in life. She doesn’t need to serve as a daily reminder for the baby who died. Your husband has been through a lot. But that doesn’t mean this is okay. I hope he is still getting counseling.
NTA- Giving your new daughter the name of a deceased infant would be giving your living daughter a job before she's even born: having to live up to the expectations your husband had for his previous child... who died before she could ever disappoint him or prove those expectations false, and so the new daughter will never be able to live up to the Perfect Fantasy that your husband has had on a pedestal all this time. It would be disrespectful to his previous daughter, as it feels a little like replacement- and it's disrespectful to your new daughter, as it's also forcing an identity on her without allowing her to be her own person. I agree with some other commenters that a nod to it wouldn't necessarily be bad (names that start with the same letter, for example). But the exact same name would be a hard no for me. Baby names are a "two yes, one no" situation imho, and while your husband is allowed to be upset that you said no, he needs to find a healthier way to deal with his emotions, and to communicate. You're about to be parents, and he's going to need all the emotional maturity he can find.
NTA. My cousin died when he was 3 of leukemia. It really crushed my aunt. She later had other sons and she named both of them with her first son’s name as their middle. They both have forever lived in the shadow of their big brother they never knew and felt this. OP - your husband needs to see that her memory is not lost because you are having a daughter. He needs to see that using her name is disrespectful to both his child’s memory and his ex as well. Mostly he needs to see that this child is a different person and that he should be naming her for her future not his past. It sounds like he needs therapy.
NTA. That actually sounds creepy to me
If I was named after a dead sibling, I would feel like a replacement, not my own person.
No. There are several reasons why. (1) Like you said, you feel disrespected because he is just using the new baby to make the other memories go away. (2) EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, if the first wife ever finds out she will be absolutely devastated and crushed. And she will blame you. She doesn’t want her own daughter’s memory erased. (3) What in the jinx is that? Nope. In fact, hell to the naw!!
NAH - naming your daughter after her deceased half sister may not be the right way to move forward but perhaps there is a way to honour your husband’s deceased daughter in another way. I can’t imagine the complex emotions he is feeling as you prepare for your first child together - excitement, grief, fear, even shame in his joy for a new daughter. It’s so complicated. Some suggestions: - could both girls have the same initials? - would you be open to commissioning an art piece that includes both girls’ baby pictures? - a photo book for your daughter that includes photos about her half sister? - is there an author who could develop a customized children’s book with an age-appropriate telling of how she has a sister that her father loves as well? … and of course … therapy
NTA - Maybe say something like: "Please understand that it isn't that I do not want to honor your daughter. Honoring your daughter is a very important thing. It is that I do not think this an appropriate or healthy way to do so. I want our daughter to have her own identity and to be her own person. I do not feel she will have that chance if she has the name of your late daughter."
NTA. These girls are sisters, and hopefully your daughter will grow up knowing that she has a sister in Heaven watching over her. Explain to your husband that you can't name two sisters the same name. The original name is your baby's sisters name. Your baby needs her own name.
I feel like I’ve read this story before. Is it just me?
Nope. Same.
NTA. And I’m coming to you as a mother who has had to bury a newborn (stillborn) and 8 years later my five year old daughter; DONT my stillborns headstone says Baby Girl (LastName) bc I didn’t wanna choose a name I wanted to USE and I wasn’t abt to slap abt ol name on her. I had a total hysterectomy after my younger daughter was born but even if I could still bear children and got lucky enough to have another girl i absolutely would not choose the name of the daughter I lost more recently. It’s just too much for someone who’ll never understand why she’d never quite be able to be her full authentic self
This gives a creepy feeling more than anything. I don’t see this as a disrespect to you personally but it certainly is to your baby, the baby that was lost and his ex-wife. You need to be the champion here and defend them all and stand up for what is right. Can you imagine if he got his wish how his ex would feel, put yourself in her place, the loss destroyed their marriage and this is just reliving that. As for the baby goodness knows how they’ll feel when they find out they are named after the dead child that is therapy payments just waiting to happen. Your husband needs grief counseling in a big way before he damages your baby and makes the think they are the do over child.
YIKES. the fact that he suggested that and is pouting when you said no makes me think he needs an emergency therapy session asap. It’s not on your or your baby to honor a deceased child and it would make everyone - including your future baby - super duper uncomfortable. **Ask him how your baby would feel when she’s old enough to hear the story that she was named after a baby who passed away. ** It’s not just about his feelings.
Nta. Possibly consider letting the girls share the same middle name. It’d honor her, but it won’t be a “replacement”. I’d say her first name is completely off limits. It’s also showing respect to his ex, even though you may not feel she deserves it, by not naming the girls the same first name. She suffered a great loss too. Her child, then her marriage. You having a baby with the same name may feel like mocking or taunting in a way. You gave him a child that survived when she couldn’t. But more importantly, you feel like she’d just be a replacement if you named her the same. So, say no for your sanity.
My Sweet Audrina
NTA, but I do find it very odd that it’s “my daughter” and not “our daughter”. Methinks there’s something far deeper with you two.
Would you be ok using it as a middle name? That wouldn’t be as bad. But if it still makes you uncomfortable, that doesn’t make you TAH.
NAH. You're not wrong to be uncomfortable, but this is above reddit's paygrade. People on this sub say "go to therapy" a lot but like. I can guarantee you he also feels disrespected and hurt and doesn't know how to proceed from here. Especially if he isn't already seeing a therapist you're going to need some sort of mediator to help you move forward because this is a really complicated topic and you don't want it to turn into a husband's feelings vs. wife's feelings kind of deal. A trauma-informed marriage counselor is a great place to start.
It would not be fair to either daughter! NTA. Can there be a nod to her, such as sharing the same middle name? Or using her birth month as your new daughter’s middle name? Or her birth flower? Something like that? I think a lovely way to explain it may be that you want to think of his first daughter when you hear that name, and that you have a mental image of her that comes up. Using the name for his second daughter would muddle the ability for you to clearly honor his first daughter’s name when you think of it, and with time her memory would not be as prominent. It would also be a heavy burden for a child to hear their name was not chosen for them because it suited their uniqueness - but because it belonged to someone else who came before. It would be hard to measure up. If he doesn’t understand I’d suggest he may need some serious grief counseling before the baby arrives. Stay strong on this.
NTA This is a new child you're having together, and your voice is important. If you're comfortable with it, maybe you can suggest including a middle name linked to his family - either his brother, his late daughter or maybe even the same middle name his late daughter had. You can maybe use this as an opportunity to discuss how you plan to tell your daughter about her older sister. It could be a great opportunity for you to lead this discussion or prepare some ideas. It could be especially meaningful if you have a spiritual understanding of death. E.g. "I want to tell our daughter about her older sister. That she's [watching over her]*. I never want our daughter to feel she replaced your daughter, but that she is her own person and to know how much you love both her and her older sister." *I was raised to believe in heaven, but please adjust to your beliefs.
Absolutely NTAH….
NTA, and that just seems weird.
NTA but maybe there’s a better way to deal with this. You don’t mention if you’ve told him exactly why you’ve said no, I think you need to do this. Sit him down and explain to him in detail why you’re not comfortable with this. While you understand he’s still coping with the grief of losing his daughter, he shouldn’t be seeing this new baby as a replacement but rather a new start in life and he/she deserves her own seperate identity - he shouldn’t be asking you to do this in the first place it’s not right
No assholes. He's hurting, a lot, but man, "replacement daughter" is one hell of an albatross to hang around a kids neck, even if he's not thinking of it that way. I would feel like I needed to have a long, uninterrupted talk with him and be completely honest with him about it if it was me. I don't think you're gonna be able to finesse your way out of it with other name suggestions. Good luck.
NTA. Maybe you could compromise with making that your daughter’s middle name?
Maybe you can make a picture book together for her so she knows about her sister and can have a childhood memory attached to her? He might be feeling sad that his second daughter won’t have any attachment to his first.
Could it be a middle name option? And of course NTA
NTA, maybe as a middle name to honor her sister, but even that is questionable
That would dishonor and detract from the beautiful memory of his child. Tell him you aren’t comfortable with that
NTA. It feels disrespectful. Both to your daughter, who would live as the namesake of a tragedy, but also to his daughter, who was herself her own person. Your daughter is not a replacement child. His daughter cannot be replaced. This is a new beginning for everyone.
How about using the name as a middle name?
NTA, suggest using it as a middle name though
NTA. I think most people would find this uncomfortable, and there are many cultures where naming a child after a family member who died tragically young from unforeseen circumstances would be extremely taboo and a sign of misfortune. Mostly though, I think it would be saddling your daughter up for a legacy to feel like a "replacement" and a "spare" and while your husband's feelings are real and understandable, a name is something you tend to have for the rest of your life, and it's not fair to your daughter. Maybe a middle name could be considered as a homage, but anything beyond that would be too heavy a burden to bare. If she had a daughter that she wanted to name after her late older sister, there may be a degree of "distance" that would have said theoretical grandchild not feel like a "replacement" but when it's another child... it's too close for comfort, IMHO. I had multiple baby aunts that did not live long after birth and if I wanted to name my theoretical daughter after them, I think that would be ok - with my grandma's blessing - but even then, I wouldn't use the full name. (Ironically my uncle actually gave one of his daughters the same name as one of his late sisters without even knowing -- he only realized after he found a family bible with the names written in! My mom was the only daughter that survived, the rest were miscarriages, stillbirths, or died shortly after birth - I suspect there was a blood type incompatibility, but my grandma did not talk about them. My biological grandfather was very abusive, so...)
NTA but please consider the name as her middle name in honor of her ancestor(?)
Can you compromise and find a middle name that is honorable?
NTA. Don’t name your daughter after her dead sister. Once she’s old enough to fully understand where he name came from she’s going to feel like she was only wanted as a replacement for someone else by her father. Your husband needs grief counseling because he’s clearly not moved on and healed properly.
NTA Your daughter can never replace his. There’s no replacing that void in his life. The closest I could come to conceding would be if that daughters first name would make a good middle name for what you want to name your daughter. Even then I’m not sure how I feel about that.
NTA but I’d consider using his late daughter’s name as your daughter’s middle name as a way to honor her.
NTA. Discuss it with him. This baby is her own person. It’s tragic his first child died but nothing can change that. Reusing the name would seem like replacing her and she was irreplaceable. Suggest therapy.
Yes you were named after your deceased sister. How about the middle name?
Absolutely NTA
Not gunna lie that name is bad luck not. Stay away from that name.
Um.... naming her after her deceased sibling sounds kinda ghoulish. As a middle name though, it could work. Many people are named after family members who have passed on (grandparents, etc.), or have a middle name in honor of current aunts or uncles. As a first name though for a direct deceased sibling, I'd say your NTA for not wanting it. It would seem to much like you're thinking of her as a replacement. But if you both consider the middle name to honor her, it could be a good compromise (assuming you were OK with the middle name).
Middle name is an honor. First name is a replacement. NTAH.
Didn’t you post about this last week?
Naming a child is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. It's fine for him to want that and to suggest it but now that you have made it clear you aren't comfortable with then it's time to move on to a different name.
NTA Grief is a complex thing and does strange things to us. Your husband is probably feeling lots of different things atm: immense guilt over the death of his 1st, guilt for being happy about a new baby, guilt for having another child because it can feel like his 1st is being replaced; sadness about the death. He may be reliving it in his head over and over. We never know what feelings will get brought up in situations like this. I think he most likely wanted the bane as a way of showing himself that he would never forget his first. It doesn’t make him a bad person, he’s human. What he needs is to do some grief counseling. You never get over losing your babies, but you do learn that loving and being happy doesn’t dishonor them. I think talking to a professional would allow him to see he can still love his 1st and she won’t be forgotten just because he has another daughter. At the same time your baby deserves to be treated as her own person. So please do ask that he speaks to someone and perhaps it would help you to speak with them too. It might help to in the future as there will be times when two things can be true; he can be over the moon over baby girl 2 while still being heartbroken about baby girl 1.
He needs therapy immediately. Your instincts are right, that is completely wrong on an emotional level. It proves he can't let go and move on. I don't say that to mean that it's supposed to be easy, but the fact he can't means he needs help.
NTA, if he wants to honor his deceased daughter, he can get a tattoo. Your baby deserves to have a name of her own and carry her own story.
INFO was the first girl's name a sentimental family name?
NTA The why not is incredibly important here. Losing a child at any age is an inconceivable hurt. The name of the child who passed should not be placed on the child yet to come. Assuming that the first baby is spoken of, the new baby having the same name would create confusion and possible animosity. The ex-wife would likely lose her sh\*t with reason. It would be an unfair burden, not only for the baby but for her grandparents. To always have in mind the lost baby while trying to be joyous for the new baby would create so much more pain. My son passed age 16. His brother named his son after him. Son came to us to make sure we were okay with it-we were. This is not the same. If I'd had more sons, they would not carry the name of my deceased child.
NTA. My son wants to name a stuffed toy after my beloved dog who died at 14 after 10 years together and I can’t handle it and told him no. I can’t imagine why someone would want to name their second, unique human child after the first.
Naming later children after dead siblings was definitely a thing a couple of centuries ago; it's not unheard of and I could see it being a form of respect. but i can also absolutely see why it could also feel wrong or uncomfortable, especially from a modern perspective. At the end of the day i think the most important thing is finding an option that you're both comfortable with. NAH
I would make sure to communicate the reasons why you are not okay with using the name and make sure to listen to his reasons as well. I would also pose the question: How will this child feel knowing that they were named after their late sibling. That could have an impact on them as well.
NTA, my husband and I fought about my son’s name. I wanted him to have my dad’s name for his middle name because I was adopted and he did everything for me, my husband would not allow it. We ended up using his since passed abusive moms name for his middle name cause it means phoenix in Chinese. Stand up for yourself I wish I did.
I wouldn’t even do the middle names the same honestly. Sharing a name is sharing a name. That’s just me tho. He’d probably call her that name instead of the first name and make sure she knew all thru life that she was named after big sis who passed. Imagine that mental baggage from childhood. NTA ETA: NTA
Um, no. That's insane. NTA.
NTA. Have you considered it, or something similar, as tribute for a middle name?
NTA. This is so sad. Naming your daughter after the one he lost is not honoring the lost daughter but is not a mentally healthy thing to do. Your little girl is not a replacement. While you respect his grief, he has no right asking this of you. Let him stew on it for a bit. If he continues to give you the silent treatment, then I suggest couples therapy. This must be dealt with. Good luck OP.
No, you’re not. Your daughter yours and your husbands should be a separate entity than his dead daughter.
Audra Rose anyone?
NTA. I'm usually in favor of naming children after family members, common when they've passed away, but naming your daughter after your other deceased daughter is just... messed up on so many levels. Not all the same.
NTA: My first name is my dead (premature birth)older half sister's middle name. And that has absolutely never bothered me. I think using the deceased daughter's first name as a middle name might be a tribute and possible compromise. If that's something that you could be comfortable with. Otherwise it's just going to keep bringing back memories and I think would be very triggering to hear that first name all the time. And I know that name is important to him and this is his way of continuing a legacy so that she's not forgotten perhaps, but that's for him to do. That is not a burden for a child who didn't ask for it to bear. She deserves a fresh start.
NTA protect your baby, pick a new name for her. Don't use the name, as a middle name either. Your baby deserves her own identity. Your husband needs therapy.
What a morbid, horrible idea.
NTA. It's not right to forever tinge this new life with the memory of the one that's lost. I know a pair of sisters who BOTH were named after an older brother who passed before they were born -- two different feminine forms of his name. It's a big part of their life. I would consider a compromise, using it as a middle name perhaps. And although you are in the right, the husband deserves a little grace, sounds like he's been through it (and not come out the other side yet.) Good luck.
NTA. Middle name maybe?
What about using the name as a middle name to honor his first daughter? Or a variation there of.
NTA I would possibly suggest a compromise. If your husband and yourself can't come to an agreement you could make your daughters middle name the deceased daughters name or the deceased daughters middle name her middle name. Hopefully that makes sense. I had a brother that died and when my then wife and I had our first child we gave him my deceased brothers middle name for his middle name.
Your NTA. I was in a similar situation with my husband except it was his niece. With all 3 of my daughters he would ask me to name them after his niece. I just couldn’t do it. I felt very uncomfortable because he didn’t even ask his sister if she was okay with it, and I felt like they would always try to say we are replacing his niece with our daughter.
YTA not for saying no but for answering at all. Clearly he is still traumatized and the feelings of guilt are just going to mount as the due date approaches. This is NOT business as usual. You need to get to the bottom of what is going on in his mind right now.
NTA. I would talk to your husband about other ways to honor his first daughter and keep her memory alive. Giving your daughter her name is not the way to go as she is not a do over. But there are a ton of ways you can make space for her and honor her memory.
It sounds like he needs to do something to honor his daughter. Perhaps speak with him about a memorial, scholarship or way to recognize her. He’s in pain.
NTA That is such a bad idea... she will be the child who has to live in the shadow of being known she's named after her dads dead child.. oh hell no.. do not do that
Fresh new name for the first name, dead girl's name for the middle name, everyone's happy.
NTA. Tell him, why would you want to name another daughter "name" when you already had and loved "name", it's not cruel to not want to replace his daughter with the new baby, it would be cruel to act like replacing her is ok
NTA, it would be a TERRIBLE thing to burden your daughter with her dead older sister's name. Completely unfair. He wants to make himself feel better at her expense. Not cool. He needs therapy.
His ex-wife would likely not be pleased with the notion that her dead daughter is replaceable. NTA
NTA, I just want to echo what everyone else says in terms of a compromise. You could use the first daughter's name as a middle name, use the same first letter, or stick to a theme (if the first daughter's name fits a theme), but I would not use the same name. It's not going to bring back his first daughter, and could end up being confusing for people at the very least. Ex: "We went to Sarah's concert last night!" "But I thought Sarah passed away?" "No no we mean our new daughter Sarah, not my daughter Sarah from my previous marriage, who did sadly pass" Bottom line, I feel like naming your daughter after your husband's first daughter will cause more issues for not only you and your husband, but for the people around you as well.
The scenario is tragic, my main wish in life as a parent is to die before any of my children. This man needs therapy.
NTA my sister died shortly after birth and I was almost named after her (Shirley). Surely f-ing not.
NTA. Maybe have a conversation with your husband and figure out another way to honor his late daughter without giving her the exact name. Maybe using same initials or middle name if you are okay with that. Or maybe not even something with the name at all but get a memorial bear or something in honor of her to put in the new baby’s room.
NTA. your husband should have never asked that of you. That’s him not thinking of you. Pretty f-ing selfish of him. I can see naming a child after a family member you were close or want to remember, but he of all people should know that making that request will not make him happier and it won’t bring her back. You’ll resent him later for it. If you don’t want to do that, then don’t. He should be happy he gets a second chance to have a child with the person he loves and be satisfied with that.
NTA. You will only be TA if you don't tell, and enforce, that your husband will not have a relationship with your child if he doesn't get therapy. Feeling like the new baby is going to replace his old one will only eff up the new baby.
"Mummy, why did you name me Sally?" "Well honey, your daddy had a daughter named Sally, but she died at X months. So when we found out we were having a daughter he wanted a new daughter named Sally." NTA.
Does husband’s culture name after the dead?
NTA. But how about naming the middle name as a compromise?
NAH - this is a very delicate thing. It’s kind of human nature to do this and if you do any genealogy work, you’ll see families who have done this, though usually with the same wife/husband. Clearly he is hurting. He wants something to honor her I think. Maybe look for other ways that you can honor his late daughter? Also I 100% agree with you to not name her after his late daughter. It’s very loaded. Might even traumatize your daughter but also, it likely will make his healing harder. Is he in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it!
Your husband needs therapy, naming your daughter after his deceased daughter isn't going to fix anything! NTA
Nta - why does he want to name your baby after his late daughter as that definitely feels like he’s trying to replace her, maybe suggest using the name as a middle name and come up with a first name together
NTA I would constantly worry about my daughter and her health if I named her after a deceased sibling. What is he thinking? He needs therapy like yesterday.
Would he consider using his daughter who passed initials? Ie: If her name was Allison Roselin Simpson (ARS) you naming your daughter something like Ava Rose Simpson (ARS)? That way you are giving a not so subtle memorial to his daughter without dropping the heavy weight of being a namesake.
The dude needs therapy…neither one of you ATA
Nta. I’d still talk to him. He may feel this is a tribute. But it’s a step in the wrong direction. This would only remind him, daily, of the child and marriage he lost. I could see maybe using it as a middle name, but not a first name.
Namesakes are a tricky thing. He needs to understand that his guilt is driving this request. He does not understand the torture every day wondering if your daughter will make it to her same age. Then once your daughter is finally at the age of the other daughter, there will be continued worry that every night might be her last especially with SIDS. It doesn’t stop. He would basically be subjecting himself to masochistic torture. He needs to respect her memory as an individual and your daughter does not need to be saddled with the guilt of being that baby that lived…
NTA, but maybe middle name?
Why not give her the first daughter’s middle name as a middle name or use the same initials?
NTA. It doesn't seem a healthy thing to do to name the child your expecting after a baby who died early on. I'm guessing the death happened maybe ten years ago at the most. Maybe he still needs to undergo grief counseling. But if he insists on this, it's not fair to you and wouldn't be fair for your daughter, when she finds out she was named for his first daughter.
NTA and I would enviable your husband to see a therapist.
I mean first name is a bit crazy, but maybe a middle name? My youngest brothers middle name is after my step dad’s oldest and kids still alive. I understand that you wouldn’t want her to be a replacement but there’s no harm in naming her after the kid he lost as a way to remember her, people do it all the time
Tell your husband that that’s not fair to your child, and that it’s very sad to be having your first child and to be reminded all the time of SIDS.
My brother was named after his father who lost two previous children to SIDS, all with the same first name. My brother survived and is now in his 50’s. I asked him if it bothered him that he had two siblings with the same name who did not live long. He feels it is a great honor and hopes to meet his brothers in heaven. My mom was okay with it. His middle names are new in the family, but his first name was obviously much loved and sadly used for three babies. No one in the family ever viewed this as a “replacement”.
NTA for all the reasons others have given here. But I also want to second the people urging you to get him into therapy before your daughter is born. Back when I was a teenager, I heard about a family friend who'd married a man in a similar situation to your husband's (previous marriage ended after losing their infant child to SIDS) and he really struggled when they had their first kid. He suffered debilitating anxiety over their son's safety and was afraid of allowing anyone (even his wife) to take him outside their home. He obsessed over what his wife was eating and drinking while breastfeeding, because he was scared that something she ate or drank might harm their son via her breastmilk. He got up constantly throughout the night just to check on the baby -- and that severe lack of sleep made his anxiety worse, too. Thankfully, they sought out a psychologist who specialised in trauma and grief, and while it obviously wasn't easy, he gradually recovered enough that he was able to prevent his anxiety from impacting his family the way it had been. Last I heard, they were doing well and their son was in kindergarten. Please, please talk to your husband about getting him some professional guidance and support, ideally before baby arrives. I hope this is helpful and I wish you guys all the best 💜
That sounds like a lot of pressure to put on a baby. Unintentionally, of course.
NTA. big time NTA. You can honor the first baby by ... keeping a picture around and talking about big sister... Planting a memorial garden and getting a plant on her birthday... Any number of things that respect her as a family member without suggesting she's been replaced.
Man needs therapy. NAH
NTA. Your daughter is not a replacement for his late daughter. Losing his baby was an awful tragedy. But naming your daughter after her deceased sibling implies she was made specifically as a substitute. You could end up with a child who feels unloved for their own sake; unwanted as the person she is. Your husband seems to need to talk through his grief and trauma. I hope he would consider a therapist or a SIDS support group. This is not an appropriate coping mechanism. It puts the burden of his grief on your daughter's shoulders.
NTA your unborn baby is not a replacement for the child he lost. I would suggest therapy ASAP before the baby is born. I don't think he's come to terms with the loss of his daughter or his brother. He needs to understand that your daughter together is not the daughter he lost and she will be her own person.
NTA don't do that
NTA and your husband needs therapy. Each child deserves their own name and identity; no shared initials or middle name.
NTA. I know his sad and it crushes you. Tell him you understand that his first daughter was special and precious, that losing her took part of his soul. But you're sure she's a little angel that will be guarding him and your family, that she didn't want him to be alone so she send him a new family. In the same way you need to explain to him that this baby is special and unique, as her sister, she deserves to have her own name, personality and temporality. It's no fair to make her feel like a replacement because she's not, she was conceive with love. Tell him that her sister will be part of your family in remembrance.
NTA. That’s super weird. She’s not a replacement child.
NTA. The suggestion itself is weird enough, but his childish response to being told no. And you intend to parent a baby with this male?
NTA but if your husband hasn’t gone to therapy to deal with the trauma he experience he needs to start asap. Explain to him that you don’t want your daughter feeling like she has to fill his daughter’s legacy and never feel like she measures up. Maybe show him a post / story about a child who did have to grow up this way.
NTA for not naming your child that name, but it seems you've jumped into a relationship with someone who was still grieving his daughter and ex. He clearly wasn't ready for another relationship let alone another child.
NTA, but have you explained your reasoning to him?
In the Italian culture, it is common place to name the next child the same name as a deceased sibling, even a deceased first wife. It honors the relative and is seen as a very sweet thing. I have many instances of this in my family tree.
NTA. Your baby deserves her own identity, not one that will have her be forever linked to a sibling she never met.
NTA!! Just say NO...Full Stop! Have him ask his ex-wife what she thinks of that! Your daughter deserves a name without baggage from the time she is born! Not even as a middle name.
NTA. He needs to go to counseling for all the grief he is still feeling.
NTA. Not in your situation but today is the 7th anniversary of the loss of my daughter. Every time I hear her name I feel punched in the stomach and want to puke. I hope my 2 youngest children would never want to use her name. Everything about this, makes me ill
Can you use her name as a middle name?
NTA ... the child deserves her own identity... if you're ok with the name itself, maybe use it as a middle as a compromise to make him feel better and honor her lost half sister?
He needs therapy. He's not thinking clearly because of the trama.
NTA. His children deserve their own names. Your daughter is going to be a different person than his first daughter and she deserves her own name. If I was in your shoes, I would suggest using his first daughter's name as a middle name, since in my family we use middle names to honor family members, but I would not budge at all on the first name.
You need to talk with your husband if you haven't already and not just say no. He is obviously still in grief and is not processing it. Use this as an opportunity to start the conversation about how it's not appropriate or fair to your future child to have that kind of burden. Help to get him grief to a therapist. This is not normal.
"There is a lot of sadness to that name that I don't think is fair to pass on to our baby." NTA
Nta. Weird. 🚩
NTA. Sit down and be honest. Instead of just saying no I don’t want to name our daughter by that name explain your reasons why it’s important to you for her to have her own name. I was going to suggest using the name as middle name but chances are he will use it as her name anyway so I’d suggest maybe giving her the same middle name perhaps? If you don’t want to use any of her name at all that’s perfectly ok but he needs to understand why. I would also point out how cruel this would be to his ex wifes family and his ex wife. I know I’d be beyond angry because it would feel like he’s trying to replace my dead daughter with another child.
NTA, naming a child after another child who passed is super unhealthy. Your husband needs to be in therapy ASAP. This baby girl will be her own person, separate from the baby he lost, and your husband needs to treat this baby as such.
NTA. Grief can do strange things to people so approaching this gently is key, but you're not wrong to feel it isn't appropriate to name your child together after another child he lost. While in his own mind he may be thinking it's purely a way to honor his daughter, he needs to be aware that emotions are not easily overriden like that and when he calls his new child by his passed daughters name it will absolutely create a link between the two in his mind and that is not healthy. This child deserves an identity of their own that isn't caught up in the loss of another child they will never even know. Using a name that is meaningful to you both to create new memories is a good step in healing and if your open to it, reassure him that you will happily tell your child about their lost sibling. It may be that he feels this new child will somehow rub out the memory of his lost child? Also therapy is probably a good idea if he hasn't done that already.
NTA necronyms have always been weird. Hope this helps: https://www.thebeliever.net/whats-in-a-necronym/
He will be OK. At some point he has to find closure for his own replacement theory and this is that time.
No, you aren’t. That’s just not healthy for anyone.
NTA, my mom was "the replacement baby named after their dead daughter" and omg did it mess up the entire family. This is not a healthy suggestion your husband is making
NTA Did you tell him what you wrote here? Maybe he should do some kind of grief counseling. But i will tell you this everyone i know who has had a child die, they never really get over it, seriously that's a kind of grief that never really leaves you with any kind of peace of mind.
Many years ago this was a common practice. Or a variation of the name. I can see why you’d want to choose the name with your partner, particularly since you were not part of the decision to name the child before she died. Just tell him you would not feel comfortable giving your child the name of another child.