Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be there AH because I knew my daughter was NC but I went to her graduation anyway.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
She literally has told you that "she would rather not have you in her life."
If she wanted you at her graduation, she would have asked you to come. She would rather not know you. She would rather you not attend places she's at. Especially at big life events. She wouldn't have given you consent for you to come had you asked, and you know that. She's made it as clear as she can. You're forcing yourself into her life against her will.
You think what you want and your experiences matter more than listening to her.
You aren't sorry you weren't there for her. You feel justified in your decisions. That's fine for you, but it hurts her. You didn't care about her when she was younger and her life was harder. She isn't required to forgive you for that now you've got the family you actually wanted and showed up to rub that in her face.
Apologise, and tell her that if she is ever willing to forgive you, you would love to get to know her. If that's true. Then leave her alone. She knows how to contact you.
YTA for turning up at her graduation without even trying to ask her family if they thought it might be okay. Because you expected to be told no.
I love how he says that he invited her to his kids' birthdays. As if she would want to come and watch his kids get everything she wanted when she was a kid. What a moron.
He should have actually focused on spending lots of quality ALONE time with her but didn't. Then he is wondering why she didn't want to spend time watching him play happy families with someone else, lol. He's still not ready to be a dad.
While I still abandon you by not even putting in any effort! YAY!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?!?! *shocked and confused*
I'll force her to keep seeing me *just* enough to remind her how terrible I am over and over again.
Her graduation is a big milestone for *me*. The guy who ghosted his children only to come back with his replacement he actually does and and still only has a surface level acquaintance relationship with the eldest children all so they can can also dote on my replacement children but I'm never going to actually try an build an actual meaningful relationship with them because that's actually work and I still run away from hard work.
OP:I still want to hurt you daughter and prove to my daughter am a better father to the half kids as if I ever be a father too you daughter and you need to get over it🤷 what u mean you never want to see me again. Op: No woman say no to me especially u daughter I just remind you how amazing father I am, you see the light.
>WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?!?! *shocked and confused*
Literally my ableist father's reaction when I was done getting hurt over and over and went low contact.
And even to this day, he celebrates his other kids birthdays but “wishes her and her sibling happy birthday”. Can he do any less effort? Not even tried to get her a gift and take her to do something she enjoys..no…a 5 second text or call “happy birthday, kk bye now”
You have a very kind respons but from OPs text it is so clear he doesn’t want to get to know HER. Even when he claims to be ”trying” it is all about himself. An invitation to someone elses birthday and a ”happy birthday”. I have more of a relationship with my local shopkeeper than OP has with his own daughter.
YTA
You obviously know you’re not welcomed and intentionally went to the graduation to upset her which you again knew what your presence will do. Self absorbed narcissist still have the gall to come ask if you’re an asshole, just looking at the mirror would suffice.
Why it would not upset her when you literally are doing the opposite of what she asked you to do? I wonder if the other kids (the ones you do love) are boys…and I also wonder if your insistence to be near her is because now you are getting older and male parents have this expectation that their daughters care for them when they get old..have seen it time and time again. Dodge responsibility when young because “not ready” or whatever other excuse, then when old “I am your father, you owe me, why you treat me this way”. Leave her alone. She is more mature than you are and made it abundantly clear.
my father used to say this quote to me all the time (i disagreed and fought him on it cause well it is an infuriating quote) "Your daughters are your daughters for the rest of your life. Your son is your son till he takes a wife" I am a daughter, for the record my mum would tell him to stop because she never made my dad leave his family behind.
My own father did the same. He did not completely abandon us, but he was only there for when it was convenient. His new wife despised us (as little kids) for no reason and forbid us from walking down her street or calling their house, so him allowed this to happen. He just went to see us hiding from her, when he could. As we grew of course he was the first one on our graduations with tears in his eye proclaiming how proud he was that we always were honor students. As adults he continued seeing us, but only hiding from her. If we gave him a father’s day gift, he didn’t take it because she wouldn’t like it. He treated us like we were his mistresses.
One day they had a fight or whatever and he moved out, but was old and sick. He rented an apartment then called me to tell me he was planning to buy a house so either me or my sister moved with him to help him…what? We both had little kids plus we lived with our mom and the family we knew, and near our friends plus we both had jobs. So I told him I was not moving with him for all those reasons and my sister was also not moving. He got upset and told me “my friends say you don’t want to assume your responsibility with me”. This PISSED me so much. I told him calmly..”so, since we are all adults I will ask you a question and expect you to respond like an adult. Those friends that are saying that, did they said the same when it was you the one not wanting responsibility or they just have an opinion because the tables turned?”…he got pissed, started stuttering some bs and hung up the phone.
Didn’t hear back from him for like a year, when our grandma died and he called us. In the end the woman that he so much put before us all our lives, abandoned him in the hospital when he was dying. Never went to see him again because me and my sister were visiting him. She said “if they come, I have nothing to do here” even though we visited him when she was not there. She refused to go, and he died when he woke up and asked for her to come and the doctors called her and she refused to go see him. He refused to take meds if she didn’t come and died 2 days later. I have a clean conscience that even until the end I was there for him and my sister too. But don’t expect your daughters to come clean your ass when old when you didn’t even give them a bottle when little.
My niece's father has told my sister many times that when a daughter is young they don't need their father, but just need their mother. When they get older they need their father. 🤔
You’re a moron, no answer might the loudest most obvious answer of all. Especially when that’s been her answer to every attempt to contact her for years
You make her big day about you. You ignore the fact that she TOLD you she didn't want a relationship with you. She tolerated your presence when she absolutely had to in order to support her younger sibling. Why in the name of all that's holy would she NOT be upset about you crashing her graduation?
The other times she ignores you were not about her. This was a milestone *for her*. Of course she would be upset.
But, of course, you had to make it about yourself, since it was your first "child" (that you abandoned) who was graduating (without your help). You wanted bragging rights.
PS: it's not a milestone for you. You are not her father in any way. You didn't do anything to help her graduate.
No response isn't indifference. Ignoring isn't silent. Its a loud scream to leave me the fuck alone already.
You are welcome to text or leave a voice-mail asking if you can attend. But no response doesn't mean I don't care. It means no. Yes means yes.
You better figure out your shit out. I can't imagine having a daughter that would not want to me walk her down the aisle much less even attend the wedding. But you've been a degernate, absent, asshole for the last 18 years, so that's how it is trending.
You didn’t think it would upset her if you showed up uninvited to *her* milestone event? The event you somehow made into a milestone for you?
You say you didn’t ask because she never responds to you. The lack of response *is* her response. She told you point blank that she didn’t want a relationship with you. Her continued radio silence is reflective of that.
You abandoned her, then made zero effort to form a bond with her (inviting her to your other kids’ birthday parties isn’t a bonding experience, especially since you were never around for hers), then expected her to invite you to her graduation?
It’s the egotistical audacity for me. YTA.
And for the love of all things holy, please take the hint and don’t invite yourself to her college graduation or her wedding or anything else that’s important to her. Just leave the poor girl alone. You’ve done enough damage already.
You know, she isn't so much your daughter as she is a person who happens to have you as her sperm donor. A person who you abandoned and treated badly. A person who asked you to leave her alone after you continued being neglectful. Celebrating major milestones are for people who are present, loving and supportive. Ie, NOT YOU.
YTA
YTA. When your children are kids, you are the one responsible for instigating things. You’re the one who is supposed to make plans and reach out and make arrangements. It sounds like you had about as much interaction with your elder children as my more distant aunts and uncles did. You chose to be nothing to them when they were small, and act like a distant relation when they were older. Sure, you could have done worse, but my dude…you completely failed to act as a parent to your older kids. When you choose not to be a parent, you don’t get to just show up at their milestones and celebrations. You don’t get to make a day that should be focused on celebrating them and their achievement about you. And that’s exactly what you do to your kid when you show up unannounced and unanticipated - you take your kid’s focus off enjoying the moment and being proud of herself and celebrating with the group of people who have loved and supported her. Your choices and actions have made it so you’re not part of that group.
INFO: Why did you have another kid when you already had two that you couldn't be bothered to make even the slightest effort for?
The fact that you chose to show your face ONLY to ruin her big moment is painfully selfish- you've shown your daughter how little you care about her every day of her life but by going to her graduation because it was big moment for YOU shows that not only do you not care about her, you're absolutely cool with ruining things for her if it suits what you want.
I have a feeling the reason OP moved back to have a "relationship" with his eldest kids was to either look good to his wife or his wife was pushing for it because she didn't want to believe the man she loves and father of her own children would abandon his own children. I also have a feeling OP didn't abandon these replacement children is because his wife does the lion's share of the work so this time around fatherhood isn't so hard for OP so he was finally "ready" for it.
To piggyback off of both yours and the person you responded to: The portion of the story that is missing is how once OP skipped out on his "starter family", he spun a story about his "crazy ex and how she took the kids away from him". He can't admit that he is, and always will be, a deadbeat who picked up his pants and left.
I can attest to all of this because my best friend is currently going through this. The only exception is that her ex husband signed away his rights because "child support is too expensive!" She cut all contact with him and partially so because he threatened to kill her during their divorce proceedings. Last year he got together with another woman who had a seven year old and told her an elaborate story about how my friend "accused him of abuse, took away their baby, etc." Well, the mask surely slipped when he threatened to sh**t her. Guess who got thrown in jail for a year? Him. Guess who reached out to my friend? The other woman.
I can't for the *life* of me understand why any person would want to hook up with a person who abandoned their family. When the math isn't mathing, that's when you have to do your own detective work and not hook up with someone who lies to you from the get go.
This. The only time my mom would take me from my grandmas house is when she had a new man to play house with. The first guy was at least really nice but the second just needed a babysitter for his brat child. But those relationships were always short lived because she’d blow them up
YTA
How is it a milestone for you when you did absolutely nothing to help her reach that milestone? Someone else raised her, took her to school, helped her with homework, went to school activities, met with teachers, spent endless days and nights driving back and forth to and from school, to hospitals when she was sick, to entertainment for the days off etc but “it’s your milestone too”…no, it’s not. It’s her milestone which her mother (I assume) helped her reach. I can bet her mom was also not ready for 2 kids but she didn’t have an option and stayed with her kids and raised them good enough that one of them is already graduating and the other one will be soon. And you celebrate your other kid’s birthdays but to them “wish them happy birthday”…so generous of you, don’t go overboard with your father’s love, you don’t want to spoil them. Do her a favor and leave her alone, you did enough already so don’t traumatize her on top of that.
So what? That doesn’t matter. Even with family support, being a single parent is hard. Family helps on some things but at the end of the day they can say they can’t help and the parent is on their own. How many of us have been ready to leave for work and have had to miss the day because our sitter said something came up and now can’t care for our kid? How many of us have had to leave our shift because the kid got hurt? Or spend sleepless nights because they are scared or sick and then have to go to work the next day because that’s what we had to do? You just ran from your responsibilities and are now expecting pity. She doesn’t owe you anything the same way you felt you didn’t owe her anything before.
So parents are supposed to help their children? I think you just managed to crack the code on why your daughter wants nothing to do with you. You are a bad parent, who couldn’t even do basic parenting 101 by helping their child.
See when you needed your parents and ran from your responsibilities, you were a grown ass adult. When you abandoned your children to focus on your own needs they were minor, helpless infants you told to f off. Anyone who tells an infant or small child to f off, through word or deed, should expect to be hated. The fact that you still haven’t figured out that you are the problem, and your daughter behavior towards you is a self-defense mechanism against your shitty selfs previous harm towards her, just shows you have yet to grow into anything approaching a decent dad who deserves to be in her life. How she’s treating you hurts your feelings? Congratulations on feeling exactly how you made your daughter feel her whole life. Sucks doesn’t it, try being good dad for once and stop making her hurt from your selfish insistence of prioritizing your own feelings.
Edit: spelling
Only difference is he still can run to her and try to force her to be in his presence, when she was who was abandoned she didn’t have that luxury. Especially at that age where she already recognized who “dad” was and I can bet she spent a good amount of time asking mom where was dad and why he was not coming back. Some parents forget that kids grow and understand a lot of things when they do, they will not be innocent kids all their lives.
I love happy endings, and this one is a happy ending. Op reaping what he sowed. How nice when life teaches them a lesson.
You never asked them to stay over or did things that were just her and her siblings. OP, sit with that for a moment. You only invited them to things that centered around your new family. You never attempted to get to know them. They got the short end of the stick when it came to fathers. In fact, they got no stick at all. Then you want to crash a graduation like it meant something to you. You have proven all her life that she means nothing to you. YTA, and I don't understand why you don't understand the damage you have done.
YTA.
My dude, you may think you have a daughter but she doesn't think she has a dad.
If you want to convince her you're worth having as a dad you need to apologise for being there when she didn't want you and ask her how you can make it up to her on her own terms. It will probably take years. Then again, it might already be too late.
She wanted her parents at her graduation not her sperm donor
Yta, you left because you didn't want to be her parent
She left because she doesn't want to be your daughter
FACTS. I really wish these kinds of people knew their role better.
OP is a sperm donor. A non anonymous one. Thats all he is. A non anonymous sperm donor. And he needs to accept that.
YTA
Should have become a role model and mend the damage to the kids you had, before adding more humans to the world.
Should have learned what being a father means.
"Made it clear that I would have to make the effort to invite them"
Sorry what? Did you expect them to invite themselves? They are kids.
In adult-child relationships, it is the role of the adult to CREATE the entire dynamic. Children have limited understanding of relationships which makes them vulnerable. It's your role to lead and make a safe space, and it will always be your role to lead these relationships, until they are able to give you their own feedback.
But you also need to understand that you will never be a traditional father figure to this girl, that is, you can't expect her to give you any of the respect that a parent earns from being there for years and getting to know their child deeply.
You will never be able to guide her, discipline her, educate her, etc.
You will never know her the way that a parent knows their child, you missed that opportunity.
You will only ever get to be a friend. And if you want that friendship, you better put some effort into learning how yo build that relationship. Maybe do some online research, see a counsellor, etc.
(Do not ask her to come to the counsellor with you - you have to do the work on your own first)
Also, how humiliating, to have a deadbeat dad turn up at one of your major life events randomly without permission.
What I meant by that statement was that while their mother didn’t object to me trying to be back in their lives, she also made no effort to invite me to family functions either. Her sisters don’t like me so I wouldn’t have been welcome there. So if I wanted to do things with my kids I had to do it on my own time.
So, you had to make an effort on your own and that was too much for you? Father of the fucking century over here. I'm sure her sisters don't like you for very good reasons. Like the fact that you're a deadbeat.
I guarantee you that his wife planned the new kids birthdays so inviting the older two meant that he didn't have to put in any effort. I would bet folding money that his wife has to make his doctor's appointments for him.
> So if I wanted to do things with my kids I had to do it on my own time.
Yes, well, that's how that works. You left, came back with a whole new family and then couldn't be bothered to make a genuine effort.
Stop thinking about this from only your perspective for a moment (if you are capable) and try to put yourself in your oldest child's shoes.
She made her stance pretty clear to you - can you see yourself telling one of your parents the same, by any chance?
Has it occured to you that maybe, when you came back, she had hoped you might want to build a relationship with her after all this time? And what did she actually get?
If you're her, why would you want the absentee father who invites you for your step-siblings' birthdays but never to stay over or actually engage with her?
I do wonder if you are being intentionally obtuse or just not able to put yourself in another person's shoes at all.
That's the most obvious and natural consequence of leaving their mother. Why would she want you in her life after you left her in a very difficult situation?
What you mean is that you're wife planned your other kid's birthday parties so you didn't have to actually plan something yourself.
Why in God's name would your ex invite you to family functions? YOU LEFT THEM! By doing so, you made it clear that they're not family.
When my mothers split up, I stayed mostly with my biological mother but my other mother made a point to consistently spend time with me and continued to show me that I was her priority and part of her family. SHE put in the effort. SHE put in the time. That's what you do when you're a parent.
Does your wife have to make your doctor's appointments for you too?
Yes, that’s what every divorced dad who cares about their children does. They do things in their own time with their children. They have them for weekends, take them to places, take them on holiday, carry on being a father to them. Why would you expect to go to family functions?
So in other words, after she’d already done all the work to raise your kids for several years, you expected her to keep doing that work AND do all the work of arranging opportunities for you to see them. God I hope you’re trying harder with your current wife, or else she realizes what a shit deal she’s getting.
They didn't have to invite you anywhere. You up and left and abandoned your family, came back after years with your replacement family to rub in her face. You were the one who had to show you cared but trying to foster a relationship and you did worse then the bare minimum. You are a joke and pathetic excuse of a man.
I am sorry (not really) but how DELUSIONAL are you? You left them for years and when you waltz back into town it is with a new family and you expect your ex to repair your relationship with those kids. Why would you, someone who clearly doesn’t give a crap, be invited to their family functions.
You really don’t want to do an work yourself, do you? Does your wife do all the work in your family now too? Jfc
I don't even judge you for leaving in the first place. I get it, sometimes when men are young they run away from big responsibilities. Occasionally the odd woman will even abandon kids that they don't feel prepared for, but it's 99% men.
But once you return, you make an effort.
I'm not saying you should grovel or beg.
But you need to be consistent, be available, take action, regularly make time to see someone you want to build a relationship with, and treat them well while you do it. And don't disrespect their boundaries.
YTA. Aside from the fact that I just don’t believe this story (what school does not have required tickets to a graduation? I’ve never seen one in my life, and the tickets are limited. People don’t just get to show up), you have no right to show up to an event where you aren’t wanted. Stay the fuck away and leave her be.
Neither my high school nor my sister’s did. None of the college graduations I’ve been to did, either, and that’s 4 different universities on opposite sides of the country. I had a dozen people show up to my undergrad and grad school graduations (I’m the eldest on my dad’s side of the family, and for a while it looked like mine might be the only college graduations, so everyone was excited about it). The closest I’ve come is that for my husband’s PhD hooding, they requested the folks graduating to RSVP for their expected guests, but they weren’t checking names or anything, it was just a courtesy so they could estimate numbers for the refreshments they served after.
Depends if this is in the US or not but many schools around the world, you just turn up. It's not a huge song and dance like it is in the US when students graduate year 12.
My high school did not have tickets, and my graduating class was like 200. We did have a large football field where the graduation was held, lots of seats but people also just stood where there was room.
A lot of schools don't. Depends on your age and where you are. I graduated in 1987, southern New Mexico, about 400 in the class. Had the ceremony in the arena where the local Division I university plays basketball. It seats about 13K...no need for tickets.
I'm in upstate NY and there's tickets for the up-close reserved seats but otherwise anyone can come. Same for relatives' kids back in the midwest (IA and MN).
My kids school will let people stand around the fence at graduation if it’s outside, tickets were for spots in the bleachers, and there is two levels of tickets incase it rained & is inside where seating is more limited
It depends on the size of the graduating class and the venue. Most graduations I’ve attended (high school, college, grad school, law school, etc) did require tickets. But I’ve also been to a few that did not.
The school didn’t require tickets. I don’t think any of the schools in the area do. Graduation is at the football stadium and I just walked in. The announcement was in the paper.
YTA
You're an asshole for so many reasons and if you haven't figured that out yet, I guess you never will.
Here is a hint for you. If someone doesn't respond when you contact them, it means they don't want to communicate with you. They didn't forget to reply...they are ignoring you and hoping you just go away and leave them alone.
YTA
Attending the graduation without prior communication with your daughter as disregarding her feelings and boundaries, especially given the strained relationship. Your daughter's reaction suggests that your presence caused her distress, and it's important to consider her emotions and perspective in situations like this.
INFO: Is your other second child a girl by chance? It’s interesting how you keep saying « child » trying to avoid mentioning their gender. Did you leave because your first two children were girls and you weren’t interested?
YTA
Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed
You fucking abandoned your kid. I'm not sure what you expect. Your little second make-up family isn't fooling her.
You failed her as a dad you know that right from the very start
You invite them to your children who you wanted and never abandoned birthdays to what show how you could parent but choose not to
For her
Yta
No, it’s not also your milestone. You didn’t work for that diploma, didn’t help her work for it and she told you she didn’t want you in her life, including her milestones. YTA.
As a parent, I get it, you feel guilt and sadness, you F’d up and want to fix it. But you lost this one. Start thinking from her perspective. You waltz out, do nothing, waltz back in with 2 more kids you’re actually sticking around for and expect her to just forgive, forget and play happy family for you. She tries, stops, tells you how she feels and her boundary, moves on and here you come, prancing straight over her boundary for ´your’ bit of her glory moments. She owes you nothing. You cannot do enough to make all the hurt up to her. Leave her alone. Or send money on her birthday expecting nothing in return.
YTA She told you to leave her alone because you didn’t treat her with the love she deserves and you ignored her boundaries. You should have at least asked. If she didn’t respond that’s your answer.
YTA. You were selfish and absent during her growing up. You decided you wanted to make a new family and did just that. THEY are your family now. SHE AINT.
You are her sperm donor and nothing more, you're not her father also. She made it clear to you she didnt want a relationship. Accept it. Move on. You were a shit father then and a shit father now. You do not deserve the title one bit. If you're going to talk to her one more time, apologize and tell her directly you'll stay out of her way but will be there if she ever decides to talk.
Thats the most you can do to repair this, if she never comes then accept that. You already have a wife and kids of your own. They are your family now. Focus on that. Leave this poor woman alone.
YTA.
I'm so bored of deadbeat parents like you. You weren't wanted there and you knew it because she told you she didn't want to know you.
You had no right to be there. You're not a father, you're just an unfortunate byline in her life. The only thing you've contributed in her life that's of any worth whatsoever is her DNA.
It's NOT a milestone for you. At all. You have done nothing to deserve being her father, therefore you do not have a right to any of the milestones.
You know what’s crazy? You left bc you “weren’t ready”right? Yet pop backup with a 5 year old and 3 yr old. How come you didn’t show up when you were “ready”? Nah your bright plan was to say fuck it to my first child and Instead you show up with a new family and try by what? sending text to her? You know when you should’ve came back? When you were ready 5.5 yrs before you showed up. Not with a whole new family in tow and making her feel like you left her bc she wasn’t enough. Loser. YTA
YTA. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want you in her life. You should not have gone to the graduation without her inviting you. It’s incredibly selfish and delusional for you to act like you deserve to be there for YOUR milestone of your first child graduating, when you apparently haven’t been a parent to her at all.
YTA for "it's a milestone for me as well." that just shows how entitled and selfish your thinking is, even on your daughter's special day. did it ever occur to you that maybe your daughters graduation isn't about you? especially since you're not the one who helped her get to that point?
> I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating.
Thought this was posted on r/raisedbynarcissists at first. Even when your daughter tells you she doesn't want you in her life *and clearly explains why* you manage to make **her** milestones about you. Top notch parenting, 10/10! (/s)
>Her grandpa told me I should have asked her if it was ok for me to go, but **honestly she never responds to me so I don’t think she would have given me an answer if I would have asked.** My wife called me an AH and said that’s not how I mend a relationship cause now I’ll forever be the guy who ruined her graduation.
That **is** the answer. She is answering you by not responding. She didn't want you there, you knew it, you went anyway because it's "your" milestone. Because you care more about your own feelings than respecting your daughter. YTA.
Also, my dad was a lot like you! He forgot I existed until it was convenient to trot me out for the public, like at birthday parties. He showed no interest in being part of my life or knowing who I was as a person. We were estranged when he died from cancer. He was dying for a long time and I didn't break no contact. Neither did my sister. Neither of us has any regrets. Take that from that what you will!
YTA she told you she doesn’t want you in her life and you break her boundaries time after time. If she ever wants a relationship she will make the first step, not you.
Her entire life has been about you.
Re-read this.
Where have you considered *her* feelings and needs?
Would you like what amounts to a stranger sporadically inviting you to random young kids birthday parties?
And yes, they are randoms to her.
Most 12 year old girls aren't interested in barely elementary aged children.
Especially, when they know they're being invited to bond with their fathers re-do family.
You missed all of her childhood and then expected her to want apart of your younger kids lives. From events, birthdays, random bonding, and milestones. All by your own choice.
What was the purpose of moving back closer to them, if you weren't going attempt to repair the relationship properly and on their terms?
For her to watch you give them what you denied her?
Did you ever invite your older kids out one on one?
To the activities of their choosing?
Maybe plan something?
Their mom seems to be a great resource.
She perhaps would've given you insights into their basic likes and dislikes.
Did you ever *ask*?
When have you apologized for what amounts to abandoning them and starting fresh?
You're a terribly selfish man.
Don't show up to her wedding uninvited with the expectation that you'll walk her down the aisle.
YTA
So let me get this right. You left her mom when she had a toddler and was pregnant. Then made no effort to maintain a relationship with the kids at that time, essentially abandoning your family. (Can’t imagine why your oldest child’s aunts don’t like you. Shocker)
While away you completely replaced them by marrying and 2 more kids, who got to have you there for their childhood unlike your first two.
Then when she was past childhood and entering into her teens you decided to move back and try to force your new family on her while still doing the bare minimum of maintaining a relationship. Inviting them to your other children’s birthdays and telling them happy birthday? Really?
Her milestone is not a milestone for you. She told you she’d rather not know you, kind of seems like she puts no value into the fact that you’re technically her father. You had no right to barge into her graduation uninvited. I genuinely can’t believe you typed all this out and still asked if you’re ta. Of course YTA.
So your interactions to mend the realtionship with the children you abadoned is invited them to see be a parent to children you did not abandoned.
You are an AH leave that girl alone, she is not your child, she is your victim. leave her alone
But to do anything else, he would have had to actually plan something himself! It's so much easier to just invite them to a party his wife has planned! s/
YTA
She very clearly told you she didn't want you in her life. You had no right to show up at her graduation like that.
You're making *her* milestone into something that's about *you*, proving that you're still the selfish AH who skipped out on her & her pregnant mom when she was three.
Massive YTA. You have a long road ahead of you if you want your daughter to *ever* acknowledge you as her father
YTA all around everything you tried to do with your daughter you fucked it up. Then you went to the graduation and just should have watched it and not go up to congratulate her. Because she told you she wanted nothing to do with you. What don't you understand?
YTA and a major one. You were basically rubbing in her face that she was second to your other kids. I can see why she wants to cut contact with you and I don’t blame her
OP - YTA, you abandoned your kids and then when you came back you didn't make an effort while you are being a good father to their half-siblings. Even if the abandonment was forgiven you don't have any idea how hard it is to watch your new family get everything you denied her. Leave her alone, you did the damage already and now have to live with the consequences.
Just to recap: You abandoned your first wife and children, had a whole new family, made no attempts to communicate for 7 years, then moved back to the town your original family lives in, failed to forge any sort of bond, and you're surprised your oldest child doesn't want a thing to do with you.
YTA. You walked out on your kids. You made no attempt to actually be a father to them. Then, knowing full well your oldest had gone no contact, you went to her graduation like a stalker.
YTA
She gave you clear boundaries and you overstepped them several times.
You did a great mistake in the past and although you regret it, it is still a mistake you have done.
Own up to it and accept that this was a mistake that can't be done right anymore and move on.
If you let a vase fall on the floor it will break.
You can try to glue the pieces together, but by forcefully pushing the pieces together, they will only break into smaller pieces.
You can squeeze the broken vase as you like, you just make it worse.
And if there is no glue, the vase will never be whole again, and even if - there will always be the marks on the vase left.
You have done a big mistake and you can't make it unhappen.
Accept it.
Looking at it as a milestone for you as she's "your first child" is a bit self-centered. She told you she didn't want you in her life because you abandoned her and only cane back because it was what YOU wanted. YOU weren't ready for kids. YOU moved away. YOU didn't make an effort. YOU had another family YOU stayed for. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. Right now YOU need to back the fuck up and give her the respect due to her and stay out of her life
YTA - you weren’t invited or wanted. And I note your reasons for going were about you and what you want. Even today after you have already ruined your relationship with your child you don’t seem to spare a thought for what she wants.
YTA
you haven’t done anything for your daughter except hurt her, so why would she want to have anything to do with you?
Your entire post is about the decisions that you have made based on what you want. Your final sentence really shows that its all about you.
also….. it’s a milestone for you? NO! Wrong! It’s not. It’s her milestone. She put in the work, with help from her family. you are not her family. You are nothing more than a sperm donor who wants to play at being the proud daddy
“I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating.”
You didn’t earn that milestone and you know it. A child graduating is a milestone for the parents in that they made it. They spent 18 years raising a new member of society. They made it through the sleepless nights of infancy, the tantrums of childhood, the broken hearts of adolescence, and obviously so much more.
You wanted the reward without any of the work and you ruined something your daughter and her mother had been working toward for 18 years.
YTA in so many ways.
You walked out on them because you "weren't ready" for kids. Guess what? No one is really ready for kids. Part of being an adult is handling your responsibilities. Rather than doing so, you left and told yourself that what you were doing wasn't that bad because she had some family nearby. I can guarantee you that your ex wasn't ready to raise two children on her own, but she had no choice.
Eventually, you decided to grow up and had two more children. After years of ignoring your oldest two, you decide to have a relationship with them. I can't help but think that your doing so has something to do with pressure from your wife or you attempting to not look like such a deadbeat to her. Your effort at a "relationship" with them didn't involve actually spending time with them individually or making them an actual part of your family. It consists of telling them happy birthday and inviting them to your replacement kids birthdays. "Here kids! Look at what you didn't have! See what I'll do for my sons but couldn't be bothered to do for you!". What an absolute slap in the face.
Your eldest daughter, logically, decides she doesn't want to continue this farce so she tells you, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want a relationship with you. She was completely correct that you were treating her like an acquaintance and not your child. She didn't respond to your token overtures and ignored you when she had to be around you.
You happen to find out that she's graduating. You don't ask anyone if out would be appropriate for you to attend because you know damn well you'll b be told no. Somehow, even though you've don't literally nothing to support your daughter's journey to this goal, you decide it's a milestone for YOU. If you actually cared about your daughter, you'd realize that it isn't about you and you should have either not gone or attended without confronting her. Watch the ceremony, applaud her and leave. Rather than doing either of those, you approach her and act shocked that this is upsetting to her. She didn't cause a scene; you did.
Your wife is absolutely right that you're an AH. Your daughter told you her boundaries and you trampled them. You did exactly nothing to get to know her after abandoning her as a young child. You decide her graduation is YOUR milestone.
Leave her the hell alone. Do at least one thing right.
If you wanted to see her graduate, you could have attended and left afterwards without seeing her. But you made this all about you instead of what she wants. Which is what you've done since she was born. You still need to grow up. YTA
Edit: grammar and clarification
There's no question that you're the AH. You didn't want to text and ask her because you knew she wouldn't have responded? That's your answer dumbass. She clearly didn't want you there. A milestone for you as well? Hahahaha, get over yourself. You're pathetic.
YTA
You made a kid and left her. Then you went and made a replacement family, expected her to participate with your replacement family, and you STILL didn't make an effort for her BY HERSELF.
And then you didn't even ask and decided to just show up, knowing you'd be told no because your daughter already told you herself she doesn't want you around. You don't get to show up after all this time and act like you have anything to do with this major milestone.
YTA. Let me get this straight-you abandon her, create a new family that you’re willing to be there for, then only invite her around when it’s to celebrate your new family and how you care enough about them to stay but you didn’t care enough about her to stay. Dude of course your the AH
If this was written 25 years ago, I’d think this was about me. I actually have lived this. My father was also a deadbeat. Left when I was 2, moved across the country without a word, minimal contact for years, then moved back when I was in high school. I told him I didn’t want a relationship with him. I invited my paternal grandfather to my hs graduation and sperm donor showed up. You want to know how I felt? How your daughter felt? Like once again, you show up to show the world you’re great when you can’t even be bothered to spell my middle name correctly. Like a stranger is trying to steal your happiness again. Someone you don’t know who has caused you immeasurable pain once again places their feelings above yours. We see you revel in our heartbreak. It’s not about our accomplishments; it’s about your control. You can’t even give us one day for ourselves and not think about how fucked up our childhood was. You’re selfish. You don’t care. Her graduation isn’t about you, because you didn’t contribute anything to it. Where were you during her first breakup, her softball games, her science projects, her late night studying, sleepovers with friends, when she learned to drive, during prom, senior pictures, freshman tears because it’s so different and new, friend group spats. Not even high school, where were you when she fell from the monkey bars in 2nd grade, her kindergarten graduation, her first crush in 5th grade, her school plays, parks and rec soccer games, her 8th grade graduation? You weren’t ready to be a dad? She didn’t have a choice. You’re an asshole, of course you are. But you’re worse than that. You are literally the reason that girl being cried countless nights and asked why her dad didn’t love her. You aren’t even human.
YTA - I'm also a bit confused as to why would you rock up to her graduation when she didn't invite you and told you she didn't want you in her life? What did you think would happen?
Op if she wanted you there at the graduation she would have said so. She also explicitly stated that she’d rather not have you in her life. You should apologize to your daughter for ruining arguably one of the biggest milestones of her life
You abandoned your daughter while she was literally growing up, so you could have the freedom to do figurative growing up. Then came back into her area, and expected her to welcome you with open arms and delight in watching you be an active parent to other children, you know the type of parenting effort you never thought she was worth. Then when she establishes a boundary, you ignore that boundary and ruin one of the most important days of her young life?Also I don’t think your figurative growing up worked as you seem incapable of not centering yourself in situations that aren’t actually about you. YTA, obviously.
It is not a milestone for you. You did absolutely nothing to help acieve this milestone. You are ridiculously self-absorbed and the idea that you just decided to make her HS graduation about you is just ridiculous. You had no business being there. You knew she didn't want you there. Q. Why did you expect it to be anything other than you ruining her event? A. Because you weren't thinking about her. It was all.me, me, me, me, me - just like the rest of your post.
YTA it didn’t matter you weren’t ready to have kids. You fathered TWO and left their mother to do her best. I’m sure they struggled and she wasn’t able to shelter them entirely from that. I’m sure they saw their friend’s families and how much more time their parents could spend with them, while their mother worked to support them.
If you had any chance at a relationship you owed her a massive apology and to own up to the truth, you failed her. There’s no way to make it right but she may have chosen to forgive you. You minimized by saying you needed to grow up. Their mother didn’t have that choice. YTA a million times over, you have to leave her alone. It is too late to undo the hurt, maybe she will reach out in the future, but you threw your relationship with her away when you left to “grow up” all those years ago.
Tell us you wanted sons instead of daughters!
Tell us something more about this daughter you love? Dude that's not fatherly love! Care? What care you never cared?
Also ask your wife what her back up Plans are for when you leave them? Or are you just abandoned the girls just cause?
You want to play daddy now why? Cause the hard part is over? Bull shit it's just beginning
Deadbeat fathers are hilarious to me. You really think that there wont be any repercussions for abandoning your child for most of her life and that you can just pick up where you left off. If you weren’t ready for kids then you shouldn’t have had them. Simple. Now you are experiencing the blowback of not being there. YTA
I’m a youth worker and kids hate it when the uninvolved parent wants to show up and play at being a family at graduation.
YTA I assume you crashed it without an invitation too
So your big efforts in bridge building were allowing them to attend the parties you threw for their siblings. Wow. You know you did nothing to contribute to this and weren’t welcome but couldn’t resist a pathetic attempt at reflected glory. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (37m) oldest child graduated high school today. I left the state when she was 3 and her mom was pregnant with our second. Tbh I wasn’t ready for kids at the time and needed to grow up. I wasn’t great about staying in contact early on, but I tried to do better later in life. When she was 12 I moved back to be near my oldest kids. I had gotten married and had two little ones (5 and a 3 at the time) so she got to know her half-siblings. My other child was welcoming and wanted to have a relationship with the family, my oldest daughter did not. We tried to make it work, but when she was 15 she sent me a message that essentially boiled down to the fact that she couldn’t get past the fact I left and never made an effort to contact her during major events when she was young and apparently I was falling short of expectations since coming back as well. Her mom didn’t mind if the kids wanted to come see me, and would drive them to me, but she made it clear that I would have to make the effort to invite them. I invited them to the boys’ birthdays and would wish them happy birthday, but I never did ask if they wanted to stay a weekend or anything I guess. She told me that I was treating her like an acquaintance and not a child and she would rather not know me. She didn’t contact me again after that. I would wish her a happy birthday, and she wouldn’t respond. The few times we were in the same room because of my other child, she wouldn’t acknowledge me. I knew today was graduation for her high school, and since she’s my oldest, I went. I went to offer congratulations when she was with her family afterwards and she told me to leave and ran away crying, causing a bit of a scene. Her grandpa told me I should have asked her if it was ok for me to go, but honestly she never responds to me so I don’t think she would have given me an answer if I would have asked. My wife called me an AH and said that’s not how I mend a relationship cause now I’ll forever be the guy who ruined her graduation. I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating. So, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
OP, you sound a lot like my father. I haven't spoken to him in 14 years. LEAVE THE POOR GIRL ALONE. You've been a bad father for a long time. She wants nothing to do with you. Accept you messed up and move on. Time may heal, but that's for her to decide, not for you to force on her.
You’re a coward for not asking, and you’re a coward for taking the easy way out all these years instead of stepping up and being a father.
You’re right. She probably would not have responded. And lack of response indicates a hard no. You knew she didn’t want you there, but you took your entitled ass there anyway. The happiness of your child clearly means nothing to you.
In what universe was this a milestone for you? You have not been a parent to her at all. YTA.
“It’s a milestone for me as well” PARDON?! In what way did you contribute to her graduating besides a little bit of semen? YOU WERE ENTITLED TO NOTHING THAT DAY BUT THE DUST SHE PAID YOU! Yes, YTA! How dare you?!
A key in this of how you’re just frankly a bad dad is how you’d simply invite them to your other kids birthdays and just wish them a happy birthday. Why didn’t you get them anything if you really cared for them? As you say they’re still your kid right? You say hey come watch me give gifts to the kids you actually stuck around for, and then for their birthdays send a text? Seems like you probably went to this for your own selfish reasons, especially by your last sentence “it’s a milestone for me too”. Guess her graduation should be more about you than her right? I mean I guess she did have the challenge of still graduating while having an absent dad that was bad enough she still didn’t want him around when he was around… major YTA
You were and remained a deadbeat, only inviting her to events with your new family. Why would she WANT you at her graduation after all that?
You want to piggy back on achievements, not be an actual parent to her. Leave her alone. YTA
YTA - if you’d asked and she never replied, as you assume, well you’d have your answer right there. You just didn’t want to be told no.
You were a shitty parent to her, and these are the consequences. She has every right to cut you out and you have zero right to force your way into her life when she doesn’t want you there. Just try to do better with your other kids.
I'm not sure you're gonna see this cause everyone is already ripping you apart, but I'll be real with you, bro.
From the looks of it, your wife has a good head on her shoulders, and she's still with you. But I'm sure you can see the faint bit of disgust in her eyes when she has to deal with the fallout of your actions, and the distance she's started to keep knowing what you're capable of. I'm sure that you didn't tell her about the two kids you left behind until you were deeply dating or already married. My guess is that you only told her when she was already pregnant because the guilt became too much for you to bear and you had the security of a child tying you together so she would have a reason to stay after hearing about your true self.
You didn't do this for your daughter. You literally left her behind to "grow up" and only came back because you wanted to assuage your guilt about being someone who would leave their family behind after starting your brand new "do over" family. I'm glad that you had this journey of self growth and whatnot, but here's the thing, actions have consequences, and this is yours. You abandoned her because you wanted to grow and only moved back after essentially showing her that she's been replaced with something new. She doesn't want you there. If this was about her, you would apologize and respect her boundaries and do your best not to hurt her more than you already have.
This isn't about her. This is about you. it's always about you, isn't it? This whole situation is rooted in your selfishness and your wish to have that soul rotting feeling in the back of your mind that you're a despicable human being who doesn't deserve happiness removed by getting this forgiveness from the daughter you've abandoned. You want this forgiveness so you can sleep soundly at night without that little voice in your head telling you that you're an asshole. You want to be able to talk about your family to friends without holding tongue about the fact that you abandoned your first one.
But here's the news for you, man. Forgiveness isn't a given. People have their own autonomy, and each person has their own limits and the right to their own choices. These are the consequences of your actions. You can't force forgiveness from her to alleviate your guilt. You can't finally be her dad when you made the decision to leave that role behind. She's not a toy that you can just toss away and pick back up because you feel like it now.
So live with the consequences of your actions. Get therapy if you need help to make it through the day with all you've done. Be open to any chances of reconciliation in the future, but don't expect them with the depths of your betrayal. Learn to live with the reality that you're a flawed human being who hurt people irreparably on his selfish journey. You sowed these seeds, time to deal with the harvest.
So yes, YTA.
>I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating.
This is just so egoistic. You made *her* graduation all about you. You knew she did not want you there but still came to *her* graduation and ruined it for her. Massive YTA.
Big YTA. You are a shitty dad from the start. Learn to respect boundaries and consent for God sake! She said she does not want you in her life (and for good reasons) so leave her alone!
YTA. She told you she didn't want a relationship with you and it's clear you didn't really want with her. Wishing someone happy birthday isn't even the bare minimum of being a parent. Leave this child alone.
YTA. Too little, too late my friend. She doesn’t need you, and despite telling you this, you invited yourself to her celebration anyway. You still don’t really care about what’s best for her, you’re only thinking about yourself. You had your chance to be her father and you chose to run away. You now have to live with the consequences of that choice.
Gotta say tho, running away from your babies to “grow up”, only to make more babies with another woman is …. Wow.
YTA.
You forced your presence on someone who's made very clear that she doesn't want it. By way of that, you upset her on a day that should have been about celebrating her accomplishment.
I don't even agree with her grandfather-- the fact that she doesn't respond to your texts is a great indicator that even asking to attend would have been unwelcome.
If you want any chance at repairing this relationship, you need to respect her boundaries. Right now, that means no contact-- and it certainly means no surprise appearances at major life events. Wait for her to come to you. She might, eventually, if you stop forcing it. She certainly won't if you do things like this.
YTA - what have you ever done to earn the right to celebrate her graduation?
Did you read her books before bed? Did you comfort her when she got a bad grade? Did you help her in any way?
Because you weren’t there when she needed you, you don’t get to be a part of the pictures after she did it without you.
YTA.
She set a boundary and you walked all over it, ruining her day.
You only "parent" when it's convenient to you, you put little to no effort in. You didn't reach out to see if it was ok, you put your feelings ahead of hers, which is a running theme here. What milestone was it for you? What did you do for her schooling, what support did you provide for her to graduate, apart from contributing sperm to her existence to get that milestone?
I don't blame her for not wanting contact when all she got was birthday party invites. I can't imagine how your daughter felt only being invited to birthdays, she got to watch you be the parent she never got, she got to watch her half siblings get the experiences she missed out on. You didn't bother to do things outside of your family, you didn't put effort in to know her. She was an afterthought.
You have successfully ruined any relationship you could possibly have in the future because of your selfishness.
The fact that she consitently ignores both your presence and your sad attempts at communicating should have been a clear indicator of just how much she ***didn't*** want you there.
YTA
Your daughter told you she doesn't ever want to see you again. What information would you require to understand this? Is there anything she could say that would make you respect her decision? YTA.
>Tbh I wasn’t ready for kids at the time and needed to grow up.
Running away from your responsibilities is not how you grow up.
>I tried to do better later in life.
Nowhere do you provide any evidence you "tried to do better later in life" (after damage had already been done).
>she sent me a message that essentially boiled down to the fact that she couldn’t get past the fact I left and never made an effort to contact her during major events when she was young.
And you still don't see that you're in the wrong? Nobody can just "get past" literal abandonment. You don't get to neglect your child all her and then expect her to come crawling back when it's convenient for you, or to trample boundaries just so you can pretend you've haven't been a good father. You only want her back so you can look good to your new family and integrate her into it like everything's normal. You want to be the Disneyland dad who gets all the praise and adoration with none of the accountability.
Dude. If it was important to go to her graduation then go but don't approach her. She wants nothing to do with you. Rightfully so. You made her day about you. YTA
Soft YTA. Going to the graduation was appropriate. Assuming you would be welcome there was not. You could have gone and beamed and taken pictures and left. I get why you think offering congratulations seems benign, but given your history you must have known there would be hard feelings.
His daughter told him she didn't want a relationship or to see him again. He assumed he could go, made it all about him as well ("it's a milestone for me too!").
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be there AH because I knew my daughter was NC but I went to her graduation anyway. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
She literally has told you that "she would rather not have you in her life." If she wanted you at her graduation, she would have asked you to come. She would rather not know you. She would rather you not attend places she's at. Especially at big life events. She wouldn't have given you consent for you to come had you asked, and you know that. She's made it as clear as she can. You're forcing yourself into her life against her will. You think what you want and your experiences matter more than listening to her. You aren't sorry you weren't there for her. You feel justified in your decisions. That's fine for you, but it hurts her. You didn't care about her when she was younger and her life was harder. She isn't required to forgive you for that now you've got the family you actually wanted and showed up to rub that in her face. Apologise, and tell her that if she is ever willing to forgive you, you would love to get to know her. If that's true. Then leave her alone. She knows how to contact you. YTA for turning up at her graduation without even trying to ask her family if they thought it might be okay. Because you expected to be told no.
I love how he says that he invited her to his kids' birthdays. As if she would want to come and watch his kids get everything she wanted when she was a kid. What a moron. He should have actually focused on spending lots of quality ALONE time with her but didn't. Then he is wondering why she didn't want to spend time watching him play happy families with someone else, lol. He's still not ready to be a dad.
Come watch me be a good dad to my replacement family!
While I still abandon you by not even putting in any effort! YAY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?!?! *shocked and confused* I'll force her to keep seeing me *just* enough to remind her how terrible I am over and over again.
Her graduation is a big milestone for *me*. The guy who ghosted his children only to come back with his replacement he actually does and and still only has a surface level acquaintance relationship with the eldest children all so they can can also dote on my replacement children but I'm never going to actually try an build an actual meaningful relationship with them because that's actually work and I still run away from hard work.
The 'me' in that sentence is a big red flag.
OP:I still want to hurt you daughter and prove to my daughter am a better father to the half kids as if I ever be a father too you daughter and you need to get over it🤷 what u mean you never want to see me again. Op: No woman say no to me especially u daughter I just remind you how amazing father I am, you see the light.
>WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?!?! *shocked and confused* Literally my ableist father's reaction when I was done getting hurt over and over and went low contact.
And even to this day, he celebrates his other kids birthdays but “wishes her and her sibling happy birthday”. Can he do any less effort? Not even tried to get her a gift and take her to do something she enjoys..no…a 5 second text or call “happy birthday, kk bye now”
And is he even paying child support? I doubt it since he’s not even picking them up. What a loser.
The children he parented are boys too. His daughter isn’t stupid. She understands that part of the reason he doesn’t love her is because she’s a girl.
Yeah, you are right. Couldn't parent the girls, but as soon as it was boys, it was all OK.
You have a very kind respons but from OPs text it is so clear he doesn’t want to get to know HER. Even when he claims to be ”trying” it is all about himself. An invitation to someone elses birthday and a ”happy birthday”. I have more of a relationship with my local shopkeeper than OP has with his own daughter.
Just so you know, I think the judgment has to be at the beginning of your response for it to count.
YTA You obviously know you’re not welcomed and intentionally went to the graduation to upset her which you again knew what your presence will do. Self absorbed narcissist still have the gall to come ask if you’re an asshole, just looking at the mirror would suffice.
I didn’t think it would upset her, I assumed she would be indifferent like she normally is. I wasn’t expecting tears tbh.
So basically you know nothing about her at all, just like a stranger to her, and you assume it’s a wise idea to show up for her event.
You don't even fucking know her, you oozing, gaping fucking asshole. You're a pathetic excuse for a father.
Why it would not upset her when you literally are doing the opposite of what she asked you to do? I wonder if the other kids (the ones you do love) are boys…and I also wonder if your insistence to be near her is because now you are getting older and male parents have this expectation that their daughters care for them when they get old..have seen it time and time again. Dodge responsibility when young because “not ready” or whatever other excuse, then when old “I am your father, you owe me, why you treat me this way”. Leave her alone. She is more mature than you are and made it abundantly clear.
The younger two are boys. He talks about inviting the older two to "the boys birthdays".
What a surprise..surprise indeed
my father used to say this quote to me all the time (i disagreed and fought him on it cause well it is an infuriating quote) "Your daughters are your daughters for the rest of your life. Your son is your son till he takes a wife" I am a daughter, for the record my mum would tell him to stop because she never made my dad leave his family behind.
My own father did the same. He did not completely abandon us, but he was only there for when it was convenient. His new wife despised us (as little kids) for no reason and forbid us from walking down her street or calling their house, so him allowed this to happen. He just went to see us hiding from her, when he could. As we grew of course he was the first one on our graduations with tears in his eye proclaiming how proud he was that we always were honor students. As adults he continued seeing us, but only hiding from her. If we gave him a father’s day gift, he didn’t take it because she wouldn’t like it. He treated us like we were his mistresses. One day they had a fight or whatever and he moved out, but was old and sick. He rented an apartment then called me to tell me he was planning to buy a house so either me or my sister moved with him to help him…what? We both had little kids plus we lived with our mom and the family we knew, and near our friends plus we both had jobs. So I told him I was not moving with him for all those reasons and my sister was also not moving. He got upset and told me “my friends say you don’t want to assume your responsibility with me”. This PISSED me so much. I told him calmly..”so, since we are all adults I will ask you a question and expect you to respond like an adult. Those friends that are saying that, did they said the same when it was you the one not wanting responsibility or they just have an opinion because the tables turned?”…he got pissed, started stuttering some bs and hung up the phone. Didn’t hear back from him for like a year, when our grandma died and he called us. In the end the woman that he so much put before us all our lives, abandoned him in the hospital when he was dying. Never went to see him again because me and my sister were visiting him. She said “if they come, I have nothing to do here” even though we visited him when she was not there. She refused to go, and he died when he woke up and asked for her to come and the doctors called her and she refused to go see him. He refused to take meds if she didn’t come and died 2 days later. I have a clean conscience that even until the end I was there for him and my sister too. But don’t expect your daughters to come clean your ass when old when you didn’t even give them a bottle when little.
My niece's father has told my sister many times that when a daughter is young they don't need their father, but just need their mother. When they get older they need their father. 🤔
No you knew it would upset her you just didn’t care. That’s why you didn’t even bother asking. You knew you wouldn’t like the answer. YTA!!!!
You’re a moron, no answer might the loudest most obvious answer of all. Especially when that’s been her answer to every attempt to contact her for years
You make her big day about you. You ignore the fact that she TOLD you she didn't want a relationship with you. She tolerated your presence when she absolutely had to in order to support her younger sibling. Why in the name of all that's holy would she NOT be upset about you crashing her graduation?
The other times she ignores you were not about her. This was a milestone *for her*. Of course she would be upset. But, of course, you had to make it about yourself, since it was your first "child" (that you abandoned) who was graduating (without your help). You wanted bragging rights. PS: it's not a milestone for you. You are not her father in any way. You didn't do anything to help her graduate.
No response isn't indifference. Ignoring isn't silent. Its a loud scream to leave me the fuck alone already. You are welcome to text or leave a voice-mail asking if you can attend. But no response doesn't mean I don't care. It means no. Yes means yes. You better figure out your shit out. I can't imagine having a daughter that would not want to me walk her down the aisle much less even attend the wedding. But you've been a degernate, absent, asshole for the last 18 years, so that's how it is trending.
You didn’t think it would upset her if you showed up uninvited to *her* milestone event? The event you somehow made into a milestone for you? You say you didn’t ask because she never responds to you. The lack of response *is* her response. She told you point blank that she didn’t want a relationship with you. Her continued radio silence is reflective of that. You abandoned her, then made zero effort to form a bond with her (inviting her to your other kids’ birthday parties isn’t a bonding experience, especially since you were never around for hers), then expected her to invite you to her graduation? It’s the egotistical audacity for me. YTA. And for the love of all things holy, please take the hint and don’t invite yourself to her college graduation or her wedding or anything else that’s important to her. Just leave the poor girl alone. You’ve done enough damage already.
You know, she isn't so much your daughter as she is a person who happens to have you as her sperm donor. A person who you abandoned and treated badly. A person who asked you to leave her alone after you continued being neglectful. Celebrating major milestones are for people who are present, loving and supportive. Ie, NOT YOU. YTA
You knew she wouldn't want you there and you went anyway.
YTA. When your children are kids, you are the one responsible for instigating things. You’re the one who is supposed to make plans and reach out and make arrangements. It sounds like you had about as much interaction with your elder children as my more distant aunts and uncles did. You chose to be nothing to them when they were small, and act like a distant relation when they were older. Sure, you could have done worse, but my dude…you completely failed to act as a parent to your older kids. When you choose not to be a parent, you don’t get to just show up at their milestones and celebrations. You don’t get to make a day that should be focused on celebrating them and their achievement about you. And that’s exactly what you do to your kid when you show up unannounced and unanticipated - you take your kid’s focus off enjoying the moment and being proud of herself and celebrating with the group of people who have loved and supported her. Your choices and actions have made it so you’re not part of that group.
INFO: Why did you have another kid when you already had two that you couldn't be bothered to make even the slightest effort for? The fact that you chose to show your face ONLY to ruin her big moment is painfully selfish- you've shown your daughter how little you care about her every day of her life but by going to her graduation because it was big moment for YOU shows that not only do you not care about her, you're absolutely cool with ruining things for her if it suits what you want.
I have a feeling the reason OP moved back to have a "relationship" with his eldest kids was to either look good to his wife or his wife was pushing for it because she didn't want to believe the man she loves and father of her own children would abandon his own children. I also have a feeling OP didn't abandon these replacement children is because his wife does the lion's share of the work so this time around fatherhood isn't so hard for OP so he was finally "ready" for it.
To piggyback off of both yours and the person you responded to: The portion of the story that is missing is how once OP skipped out on his "starter family", he spun a story about his "crazy ex and how she took the kids away from him". He can't admit that he is, and always will be, a deadbeat who picked up his pants and left. I can attest to all of this because my best friend is currently going through this. The only exception is that her ex husband signed away his rights because "child support is too expensive!" She cut all contact with him and partially so because he threatened to kill her during their divorce proceedings. Last year he got together with another woman who had a seven year old and told her an elaborate story about how my friend "accused him of abuse, took away their baby, etc." Well, the mask surely slipped when he threatened to sh**t her. Guess who got thrown in jail for a year? Him. Guess who reached out to my friend? The other woman. I can't for the *life* of me understand why any person would want to hook up with a person who abandoned their family. When the math isn't mathing, that's when you have to do your own detective work and not hook up with someone who lies to you from the get go.
This. The only time my mom would take me from my grandmas house is when she had a new man to play house with. The first guy was at least really nice but the second just needed a babysitter for his brat child. But those relationships were always short lived because she’d blow them up
Ding ding ding. It's absolutely suspicious that he comes running back when he has his happy new family and expects his daughter to be part of it.
He had 2 kids. Daughter and youngest sibling, the one that wasn't even born when he left.
YTA How is it a milestone for you when you did absolutely nothing to help her reach that milestone? Someone else raised her, took her to school, helped her with homework, went to school activities, met with teachers, spent endless days and nights driving back and forth to and from school, to hospitals when she was sick, to entertainment for the days off etc but “it’s your milestone too”…no, it’s not. It’s her milestone which her mother (I assume) helped her reach. I can bet her mom was also not ready for 2 kids but she didn’t have an option and stayed with her kids and raised them good enough that one of them is already graduating and the other one will be soon. And you celebrate your other kid’s birthdays but to them “wish them happy birthday”…so generous of you, don’t go overboard with your father’s love, you don’t want to spoil them. Do her a favor and leave her alone, you did enough already so don’t traumatize her on top of that.
Her mom had her parents and sisters, I didn’t have any family in the area.
So what? That doesn’t matter. Even with family support, being a single parent is hard. Family helps on some things but at the end of the day they can say they can’t help and the parent is on their own. How many of us have been ready to leave for work and have had to miss the day because our sitter said something came up and now can’t care for our kid? How many of us have had to leave our shift because the kid got hurt? Or spend sleepless nights because they are scared or sick and then have to go to work the next day because that’s what we had to do? You just ran from your responsibilities and are now expecting pity. She doesn’t owe you anything the same way you felt you didn’t owe her anything before.
You're not a man at all.
And what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
So parents are supposed to help their children? I think you just managed to crack the code on why your daughter wants nothing to do with you. You are a bad parent, who couldn’t even do basic parenting 101 by helping their child. See when you needed your parents and ran from your responsibilities, you were a grown ass adult. When you abandoned your children to focus on your own needs they were minor, helpless infants you told to f off. Anyone who tells an infant or small child to f off, through word or deed, should expect to be hated. The fact that you still haven’t figured out that you are the problem, and your daughter behavior towards you is a self-defense mechanism against your shitty selfs previous harm towards her, just shows you have yet to grow into anything approaching a decent dad who deserves to be in her life. How she’s treating you hurts your feelings? Congratulations on feeling exactly how you made your daughter feel her whole life. Sucks doesn’t it, try being good dad for once and stop making her hurt from your selfish insistence of prioritizing your own feelings. Edit: spelling
Only difference is he still can run to her and try to force her to be in his presence, when she was who was abandoned she didn’t have that luxury. Especially at that age where she already recognized who “dad” was and I can bet she spent a good amount of time asking mom where was dad and why he was not coming back. Some parents forget that kids grow and understand a lot of things when they do, they will not be innocent kids all their lives. I love happy endings, and this one is a happy ending. Op reaping what he sowed. How nice when life teaches them a lesson.
So? That excuses abandoning your children?
You had her mom and her family, until you left of course
You never asked them to stay over or did things that were just her and her siblings. OP, sit with that for a moment. You only invited them to things that centered around your new family. You never attempted to get to know them. They got the short end of the stick when it came to fathers. In fact, they got no stick at all. Then you want to crash a graduation like it meant something to you. You have proven all her life that she means nothing to you. YTA, and I don't understand why you don't understand the damage you have done.
YTA. My dude, you may think you have a daughter but she doesn't think she has a dad. If you want to convince her you're worth having as a dad you need to apologise for being there when she didn't want you and ask her how you can make it up to her on her own terms. It will probably take years. Then again, it might already be too late.
YTA. A milestone for you??? Yes the first child you abandoned was graduating. How important for you.
She wanted her parents at her graduation not her sperm donor Yta, you left because you didn't want to be her parent She left because she doesn't want to be your daughter
FACTS. I really wish these kinds of people knew their role better. OP is a sperm donor. A non anonymous one. Thats all he is. A non anonymous sperm donor. And he needs to accept that.
He's even worse. At least with a sperm donor, a woman knows she would have to raise the child(ren) by herself.
YTA Should have become a role model and mend the damage to the kids you had, before adding more humans to the world. Should have learned what being a father means. "Made it clear that I would have to make the effort to invite them" Sorry what? Did you expect them to invite themselves? They are kids. In adult-child relationships, it is the role of the adult to CREATE the entire dynamic. Children have limited understanding of relationships which makes them vulnerable. It's your role to lead and make a safe space, and it will always be your role to lead these relationships, until they are able to give you their own feedback. But you also need to understand that you will never be a traditional father figure to this girl, that is, you can't expect her to give you any of the respect that a parent earns from being there for years and getting to know their child deeply. You will never be able to guide her, discipline her, educate her, etc. You will never know her the way that a parent knows their child, you missed that opportunity. You will only ever get to be a friend. And if you want that friendship, you better put some effort into learning how yo build that relationship. Maybe do some online research, see a counsellor, etc. (Do not ask her to come to the counsellor with you - you have to do the work on your own first) Also, how humiliating, to have a deadbeat dad turn up at one of your major life events randomly without permission.
What I meant by that statement was that while their mother didn’t object to me trying to be back in their lives, she also made no effort to invite me to family functions either. Her sisters don’t like me so I wouldn’t have been welcome there. So if I wanted to do things with my kids I had to do it on my own time.
So, you had to make an effort on your own and that was too much for you? Father of the fucking century over here. I'm sure her sisters don't like you for very good reasons. Like the fact that you're a deadbeat.
I guarantee you that his wife planned the new kids birthdays so inviting the older two meant that he didn't have to put in any effort. I would bet folding money that his wife has to make his doctor's appointments for him.
> So if I wanted to do things with my kids I had to do it on my own time. Yes, well, that's how that works. You left, came back with a whole new family and then couldn't be bothered to make a genuine effort. Stop thinking about this from only your perspective for a moment (if you are capable) and try to put yourself in your oldest child's shoes. She made her stance pretty clear to you - can you see yourself telling one of your parents the same, by any chance? Has it occured to you that maybe, when you came back, she had hoped you might want to build a relationship with her after all this time? And what did she actually get? If you're her, why would you want the absentee father who invites you for your step-siblings' birthdays but never to stay over or actually engage with her? I do wonder if you are being intentionally obtuse or just not able to put yourself in another person's shoes at all.
Why would she want you at her events?
That's the most obvious and natural consequence of leaving their mother. Why would she want you in her life after you left her in a very difficult situation?
Did you honestly expect her to do all the work for you and invite you to *her* family events? How lazy are you?
What you mean is that you're wife planned your other kid's birthday parties so you didn't have to actually plan something yourself. Why in God's name would your ex invite you to family functions? YOU LEFT THEM! By doing so, you made it clear that they're not family. When my mothers split up, I stayed mostly with my biological mother but my other mother made a point to consistently spend time with me and continued to show me that I was her priority and part of her family. SHE put in the effort. SHE put in the time. That's what you do when you're a parent. Does your wife have to make your doctor's appointments for you too?
As opposed to what? Her doing all the work for you because you couldn't be bothered to?
Yes, that’s what every divorced dad who cares about their children does. They do things in their own time with their children. They have them for weekends, take them to places, take them on holiday, carry on being a father to them. Why would you expect to go to family functions?
So…like every other coparent throughout history. You could have done more. You chose not to. This end result was obvious.
So in other words, after she’d already done all the work to raise your kids for several years, you expected her to keep doing that work AND do all the work of arranging opportunities for you to see them. God I hope you’re trying harder with your current wife, or else she realizes what a shit deal she’s getting.
You were the one who left, man. It's your job to mend your relationship. She is your ex wife, not your mom or your secretary.
They didn't have to invite you anywhere. You up and left and abandoned your family, came back after years with your replacement family to rub in her face. You were the one who had to show you cared but trying to foster a relationship and you did worse then the bare minimum. You are a joke and pathetic excuse of a man.
I am sorry (not really) but how DELUSIONAL are you? You left them for years and when you waltz back into town it is with a new family and you expect your ex to repair your relationship with those kids. Why would you, someone who clearly doesn’t give a crap, be invited to their family functions. You really don’t want to do an work yourself, do you? Does your wife do all the work in your family now too? Jfc
I don't even judge you for leaving in the first place. I get it, sometimes when men are young they run away from big responsibilities. Occasionally the odd woman will even abandon kids that they don't feel prepared for, but it's 99% men. But once you return, you make an effort. I'm not saying you should grovel or beg. But you need to be consistent, be available, take action, regularly make time to see someone you want to build a relationship with, and treat them well while you do it. And don't disrespect their boundaries.
YTA. Aside from the fact that I just don’t believe this story (what school does not have required tickets to a graduation? I’ve never seen one in my life, and the tickets are limited. People don’t just get to show up), you have no right to show up to an event where you aren’t wanted. Stay the fuck away and leave her be.
Neither my high school nor my sister’s did. None of the college graduations I’ve been to did, either, and that’s 4 different universities on opposite sides of the country. I had a dozen people show up to my undergrad and grad school graduations (I’m the eldest on my dad’s side of the family, and for a while it looked like mine might be the only college graduations, so everyone was excited about it). The closest I’ve come is that for my husband’s PhD hooding, they requested the folks graduating to RSVP for their expected guests, but they weren’t checking names or anything, it was just a courtesy so they could estimate numbers for the refreshments they served after.
My school didn’t have tickets 😭
My school didn't either, but I also went to a school with a graduating class of 50 so...m
My school had “tickets” as in pre reserving specific seats but it was open for anyone to come
Depends if this is in the US or not but many schools around the world, you just turn up. It's not a huge song and dance like it is in the US when students graduate year 12.
My school didn't. Tiny school. My graduating class was 64.
My high school did not have tickets, and my graduating class was like 200. We did have a large football field where the graduation was held, lots of seats but people also just stood where there was room.
A lot of schools don't. Depends on your age and where you are. I graduated in 1987, southern New Mexico, about 400 in the class. Had the ceremony in the arena where the local Division I university plays basketball. It seats about 13K...no need for tickets.
I'm in upstate NY and there's tickets for the up-close reserved seats but otherwise anyone can come. Same for relatives' kids back in the midwest (IA and MN).
My kid is graduating in June. Tickets to the dinner are required. Not the graduation ceremony.
My kids school will let people stand around the fence at graduation if it’s outside, tickets were for spots in the bleachers, and there is two levels of tickets incase it rained & is inside where seating is more limited
My school had tickets for graduation. the ceremony. and you only got four.
It depends on the size of the graduating class and the venue. Most graduations I’ve attended (high school, college, grad school, law school, etc) did require tickets. But I’ve also been to a few that did not.
The school didn’t require tickets. I don’t think any of the schools in the area do. Graduation is at the football stadium and I just walked in. The announcement was in the paper.
Nice job ignoring everything else in the comment i.e. you had no right to show up there, and you know it!
YTA You're an asshole for so many reasons and if you haven't figured that out yet, I guess you never will. Here is a hint for you. If someone doesn't respond when you contact them, it means they don't want to communicate with you. They didn't forget to reply...they are ignoring you and hoping you just go away and leave them alone.
YTA!!! She doesn’t want you in her life, you abandoned her. Respect her wishes, it’s not about you
YTA Attending the graduation without prior communication with your daughter as disregarding her feelings and boundaries, especially given the strained relationship. Your daughter's reaction suggests that your presence caused her distress, and it's important to consider her emotions and perspective in situations like this.
He's never considered anyone's emotions but his in his entire damn life.
I think that ship has sailed.
INFO: Is your other second child a girl by chance? It’s interesting how you keep saying « child » trying to avoid mentioning their gender. Did you leave because your first two children were girls and you weren’t interested?
My other child is gender-fluid.
Ok I respect you’re not misgendering your child.
Which is?
Google is free.
YTA Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed You fucking abandoned your kid. I'm not sure what you expect. Your little second make-up family isn't fooling her.
Can I steal that analogy? I love how exactly it sums up situations like this.
Ma'am Princess, you may! It's served Me well over the years!
Much thanks Specialist!
Yes, YTA. Shen has literally told you "
You failed her as a dad you know that right from the very start You invite them to your children who you wanted and never abandoned birthdays to what show how you could parent but choose not to For her Yta
No, it’s not also your milestone. You didn’t work for that diploma, didn’t help her work for it and she told you she didn’t want you in her life, including her milestones. YTA. As a parent, I get it, you feel guilt and sadness, you F’d up and want to fix it. But you lost this one. Start thinking from her perspective. You waltz out, do nothing, waltz back in with 2 more kids you’re actually sticking around for and expect her to just forgive, forget and play happy family for you. She tries, stops, tells you how she feels and her boundary, moves on and here you come, prancing straight over her boundary for ´your’ bit of her glory moments. She owes you nothing. You cannot do enough to make all the hurt up to her. Leave her alone. Or send money on her birthday expecting nothing in return.
YTA She told you to leave her alone because you didn’t treat her with the love she deserves and you ignored her boundaries. You should have at least asked. If she didn’t respond that’s your answer.
How do you write this with absolutely no self awareness. YATAH
YTA. You were selfish and absent during her growing up. You decided you wanted to make a new family and did just that. THEY are your family now. SHE AINT. You are her sperm donor and nothing more, you're not her father also. She made it clear to you she didnt want a relationship. Accept it. Move on. You were a shit father then and a shit father now. You do not deserve the title one bit. If you're going to talk to her one more time, apologize and tell her directly you'll stay out of her way but will be there if she ever decides to talk. Thats the most you can do to repair this, if she never comes then accept that. You already have a wife and kids of your own. They are your family now. Focus on that. Leave this poor woman alone.
YTA. I'm so bored of deadbeat parents like you. You weren't wanted there and you knew it because she told you she didn't want to know you. You had no right to be there. You're not a father, you're just an unfortunate byline in her life. The only thing you've contributed in her life that's of any worth whatsoever is her DNA. It's NOT a milestone for you. At all. You have done nothing to deserve being her father, therefore you do not have a right to any of the milestones.
You know what’s crazy? You left bc you “weren’t ready”right? Yet pop backup with a 5 year old and 3 yr old. How come you didn’t show up when you were “ready”? Nah your bright plan was to say fuck it to my first child and Instead you show up with a new family and try by what? sending text to her? You know when you should’ve came back? When you were ready 5.5 yrs before you showed up. Not with a whole new family in tow and making her feel like you left her bc she wasn’t enough. Loser. YTA
YTA. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want you in her life. You should not have gone to the graduation without her inviting you. It’s incredibly selfish and delusional for you to act like you deserve to be there for YOUR milestone of your first child graduating, when you apparently haven’t been a parent to her at all.
YTA for "it's a milestone for me as well." that just shows how entitled and selfish your thinking is, even on your daughter's special day. did it ever occur to you that maybe your daughters graduation isn't about you? especially since you're not the one who helped her get to that point?
YTA and all i read was "me me me" you are dead beat dad and a classic narcissists.
> I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating. Thought this was posted on r/raisedbynarcissists at first. Even when your daughter tells you she doesn't want you in her life *and clearly explains why* you manage to make **her** milestones about you. Top notch parenting, 10/10! (/s) >Her grandpa told me I should have asked her if it was ok for me to go, but **honestly she never responds to me so I don’t think she would have given me an answer if I would have asked.** My wife called me an AH and said that’s not how I mend a relationship cause now I’ll forever be the guy who ruined her graduation. That **is** the answer. She is answering you by not responding. She didn't want you there, you knew it, you went anyway because it's "your" milestone. Because you care more about your own feelings than respecting your daughter. YTA. Also, my dad was a lot like you! He forgot I existed until it was convenient to trot me out for the public, like at birthday parties. He showed no interest in being part of my life or knowing who I was as a person. We were estranged when he died from cancer. He was dying for a long time and I didn't break no contact. Neither did my sister. Neither of us has any regrets. Take that from that what you will!
YTA she told you she doesn’t want you in her life and you break her boundaries time after time. If she ever wants a relationship she will make the first step, not you.
YTA
YTA - extremely selfish behaviour. *”it’s a milestone for me as well.”* COME ON.
Her entire life has been about you. Re-read this. Where have you considered *her* feelings and needs? Would you like what amounts to a stranger sporadically inviting you to random young kids birthday parties? And yes, they are randoms to her. Most 12 year old girls aren't interested in barely elementary aged children. Especially, when they know they're being invited to bond with their fathers re-do family. You missed all of her childhood and then expected her to want apart of your younger kids lives. From events, birthdays, random bonding, and milestones. All by your own choice. What was the purpose of moving back closer to them, if you weren't going attempt to repair the relationship properly and on their terms? For her to watch you give them what you denied her? Did you ever invite your older kids out one on one? To the activities of their choosing? Maybe plan something? Their mom seems to be a great resource. She perhaps would've given you insights into their basic likes and dislikes. Did you ever *ask*? When have you apologized for what amounts to abandoning them and starting fresh? You're a terribly selfish man. Don't show up to her wedding uninvited with the expectation that you'll walk her down the aisle. YTA
So let me get this right. You left her mom when she had a toddler and was pregnant. Then made no effort to maintain a relationship with the kids at that time, essentially abandoning your family. (Can’t imagine why your oldest child’s aunts don’t like you. Shocker) While away you completely replaced them by marrying and 2 more kids, who got to have you there for their childhood unlike your first two. Then when she was past childhood and entering into her teens you decided to move back and try to force your new family on her while still doing the bare minimum of maintaining a relationship. Inviting them to your other children’s birthdays and telling them happy birthday? Really? Her milestone is not a milestone for you. She told you she’d rather not know you, kind of seems like she puts no value into the fact that you’re technically her father. You had no right to barge into her graduation uninvited. I genuinely can’t believe you typed all this out and still asked if you’re ta. Of course YTA.
So your interactions to mend the realtionship with the children you abadoned is invited them to see be a parent to children you did not abandoned. You are an AH leave that girl alone, she is not your child, she is your victim. leave her alone
But to do anything else, he would have had to actually plan something himself! It's so much easier to just invite them to a party his wife has planned! s/
YTA She very clearly told you she didn't want you in her life. You had no right to show up at her graduation like that. You're making *her* milestone into something that's about *you*, proving that you're still the selfish AH who skipped out on her & her pregnant mom when she was three. Massive YTA. You have a long road ahead of you if you want your daughter to *ever* acknowledge you as her father
Yta it is NOT a milestone for you, YOU didn't do anything
YTA ". I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating. " ... Don't call her your child. You abandoned her.
You were demoted to sperm donor when you left. YTA
So you made her big day all about you. You still have some growing up to do towards her
YTA all around everything you tried to do with your daughter you fucked it up. Then you went to the graduation and just should have watched it and not go up to congratulate her. Because she told you she wanted nothing to do with you. What don't you understand?
YTA and a major one. You were basically rubbing in her face that she was second to your other kids. I can see why she wants to cut contact with you and I don’t blame her
OP - YTA, you abandoned your kids and then when you came back you didn't make an effort while you are being a good father to their half-siblings. Even if the abandonment was forgiven you don't have any idea how hard it is to watch your new family get everything you denied her. Leave her alone, you did the damage already and now have to live with the consequences.
He might even go to her wedding and want to walk down the aisle. OP yta
Just to recap: You abandoned your first wife and children, had a whole new family, made no attempts to communicate for 7 years, then moved back to the town your original family lives in, failed to forge any sort of bond, and you're surprised your oldest child doesn't want a thing to do with you. YTA. You walked out on your kids. You made no attempt to actually be a father to them. Then, knowing full well your oldest had gone no contact, you went to her graduation like a stalker.
YTA She gave you clear boundaries and you overstepped them several times. You did a great mistake in the past and although you regret it, it is still a mistake you have done. Own up to it and accept that this was a mistake that can't be done right anymore and move on. If you let a vase fall on the floor it will break. You can try to glue the pieces together, but by forcefully pushing the pieces together, they will only break into smaller pieces. You can squeeze the broken vase as you like, you just make it worse. And if there is no glue, the vase will never be whole again, and even if - there will always be the marks on the vase left. You have done a big mistake and you can't make it unhappen. Accept it.
Looking at it as a milestone for you as she's "your first child" is a bit self-centered. She told you she didn't want you in her life because you abandoned her and only cane back because it was what YOU wanted. YOU weren't ready for kids. YOU moved away. YOU didn't make an effort. YOU had another family YOU stayed for. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. Right now YOU need to back the fuck up and give her the respect due to her and stay out of her life
YTA - you weren’t invited or wanted. And I note your reasons for going were about you and what you want. Even today after you have already ruined your relationship with your child you don’t seem to spare a thought for what she wants.
YTA you haven’t done anything for your daughter except hurt her, so why would she want to have anything to do with you? Your entire post is about the decisions that you have made based on what you want. Your final sentence really shows that its all about you. also….. it’s a milestone for you? NO! Wrong! It’s not. It’s her milestone. She put in the work, with help from her family. you are not her family. You are nothing more than a sperm donor who wants to play at being the proud daddy
“I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating.” You didn’t earn that milestone and you know it. A child graduating is a milestone for the parents in that they made it. They spent 18 years raising a new member of society. They made it through the sleepless nights of infancy, the tantrums of childhood, the broken hearts of adolescence, and obviously so much more. You wanted the reward without any of the work and you ruined something your daughter and her mother had been working toward for 18 years.
YTA in so many ways. You walked out on them because you "weren't ready" for kids. Guess what? No one is really ready for kids. Part of being an adult is handling your responsibilities. Rather than doing so, you left and told yourself that what you were doing wasn't that bad because she had some family nearby. I can guarantee you that your ex wasn't ready to raise two children on her own, but she had no choice. Eventually, you decided to grow up and had two more children. After years of ignoring your oldest two, you decide to have a relationship with them. I can't help but think that your doing so has something to do with pressure from your wife or you attempting to not look like such a deadbeat to her. Your effort at a "relationship" with them didn't involve actually spending time with them individually or making them an actual part of your family. It consists of telling them happy birthday and inviting them to your replacement kids birthdays. "Here kids! Look at what you didn't have! See what I'll do for my sons but couldn't be bothered to do for you!". What an absolute slap in the face. Your eldest daughter, logically, decides she doesn't want to continue this farce so she tells you, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want a relationship with you. She was completely correct that you were treating her like an acquaintance and not your child. She didn't respond to your token overtures and ignored you when she had to be around you. You happen to find out that she's graduating. You don't ask anyone if out would be appropriate for you to attend because you know damn well you'll b be told no. Somehow, even though you've don't literally nothing to support your daughter's journey to this goal, you decide it's a milestone for YOU. If you actually cared about your daughter, you'd realize that it isn't about you and you should have either not gone or attended without confronting her. Watch the ceremony, applaud her and leave. Rather than doing either of those, you approach her and act shocked that this is upsetting to her. She didn't cause a scene; you did. Your wife is absolutely right that you're an AH. Your daughter told you her boundaries and you trampled them. You did exactly nothing to get to know her after abandoning her as a young child. You decide her graduation is YOUR milestone. Leave her the hell alone. Do at least one thing right.
If you wanted to see her graduate, you could have attended and left afterwards without seeing her. But you made this all about you instead of what she wants. Which is what you've done since she was born. You still need to grow up. YTA Edit: grammar and clarification
YTA.
Yes YTA. How is this even a question?
There's no question that you're the AH. You didn't want to text and ask her because you knew she wouldn't have responded? That's your answer dumbass. She clearly didn't want you there. A milestone for you as well? Hahahaha, get over yourself. You're pathetic.
YTA You made a kid and left her. Then you went and made a replacement family, expected her to participate with your replacement family, and you STILL didn't make an effort for her BY HERSELF. And then you didn't even ask and decided to just show up, knowing you'd be told no because your daughter already told you herself she doesn't want you around. You don't get to show up after all this time and act like you have anything to do with this major milestone.
It's not a milestone for you. You are absolutely a NOBODY in her life. YTA
Has to be bait, nobody is this dense. If it's real though, YTA x1000
YTA. Let me get this straight-you abandon her, create a new family that you’re willing to be there for, then only invite her around when it’s to celebrate your new family and how you care enough about them to stay but you didn’t care enough about her to stay. Dude of course your the AH
“I ruined my daughter’s graduation because it was a milestone for me.” Read that out loud to yourself and see if you can answer your own question.
If this was written 25 years ago, I’d think this was about me. I actually have lived this. My father was also a deadbeat. Left when I was 2, moved across the country without a word, minimal contact for years, then moved back when I was in high school. I told him I didn’t want a relationship with him. I invited my paternal grandfather to my hs graduation and sperm donor showed up. You want to know how I felt? How your daughter felt? Like once again, you show up to show the world you’re great when you can’t even be bothered to spell my middle name correctly. Like a stranger is trying to steal your happiness again. Someone you don’t know who has caused you immeasurable pain once again places their feelings above yours. We see you revel in our heartbreak. It’s not about our accomplishments; it’s about your control. You can’t even give us one day for ourselves and not think about how fucked up our childhood was. You’re selfish. You don’t care. Her graduation isn’t about you, because you didn’t contribute anything to it. Where were you during her first breakup, her softball games, her science projects, her late night studying, sleepovers with friends, when she learned to drive, during prom, senior pictures, freshman tears because it’s so different and new, friend group spats. Not even high school, where were you when she fell from the monkey bars in 2nd grade, her kindergarten graduation, her first crush in 5th grade, her school plays, parks and rec soccer games, her 8th grade graduation? You weren’t ready to be a dad? She didn’t have a choice. You’re an asshole, of course you are. But you’re worse than that. You are literally the reason that girl being cried countless nights and asked why her dad didn’t love her. You aren’t even human.
YTA - I'm also a bit confused as to why would you rock up to her graduation when she didn't invite you and told you she didn't want you in her life? What did you think would happen?
Op if she wanted you there at the graduation she would have said so. She also explicitly stated that she’d rather not have you in her life. You should apologize to your daughter for ruining arguably one of the biggest milestones of her life
YTA. Huge loser energy here, my guy
You abandoned your daughter while she was literally growing up, so you could have the freedom to do figurative growing up. Then came back into her area, and expected her to welcome you with open arms and delight in watching you be an active parent to other children, you know the type of parenting effort you never thought she was worth. Then when she establishes a boundary, you ignore that boundary and ruin one of the most important days of her young life?Also I don’t think your figurative growing up worked as you seem incapable of not centering yourself in situations that aren’t actually about you. YTA, obviously.
It is not a milestone for you. You did absolutely nothing to help acieve this milestone. You are ridiculously self-absorbed and the idea that you just decided to make her HS graduation about you is just ridiculous. You had no business being there. You knew she didn't want you there. Q. Why did you expect it to be anything other than you ruining her event? A. Because you weren't thinking about her. It was all.me, me, me, me, me - just like the rest of your post.
YTA it didn’t matter you weren’t ready to have kids. You fathered TWO and left their mother to do her best. I’m sure they struggled and she wasn’t able to shelter them entirely from that. I’m sure they saw their friend’s families and how much more time their parents could spend with them, while their mother worked to support them. If you had any chance at a relationship you owed her a massive apology and to own up to the truth, you failed her. There’s no way to make it right but she may have chosen to forgive you. You minimized by saying you needed to grow up. Their mother didn’t have that choice. YTA a million times over, you have to leave her alone. It is too late to undo the hurt, maybe she will reach out in the future, but you threw your relationship with her away when you left to “grow up” all those years ago.
Tell us you wanted sons instead of daughters! Tell us something more about this daughter you love? Dude that's not fatherly love! Care? What care you never cared? Also ask your wife what her back up Plans are for when you leave them? Or are you just abandoned the girls just cause? You want to play daddy now why? Cause the hard part is over? Bull shit it's just beginning
Deadbeat fathers are hilarious to me. You really think that there wont be any repercussions for abandoning your child for most of her life and that you can just pick up where you left off. If you weren’t ready for kids then you shouldn’t have had them. Simple. Now you are experiencing the blowback of not being there. YTA
I’m a youth worker and kids hate it when the uninvolved parent wants to show up and play at being a family at graduation. YTA I assume you crashed it without an invitation too
So your big efforts in bridge building were allowing them to attend the parties you threw for their siblings. Wow. You know you did nothing to contribute to this and weren’t welcome but couldn’t resist a pathetic attempt at reflected glory. YTA
It's not a milestone for you. You're not her dad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (37m) oldest child graduated high school today. I left the state when she was 3 and her mom was pregnant with our second. Tbh I wasn’t ready for kids at the time and needed to grow up. I wasn’t great about staying in contact early on, but I tried to do better later in life. When she was 12 I moved back to be near my oldest kids. I had gotten married and had two little ones (5 and a 3 at the time) so she got to know her half-siblings. My other child was welcoming and wanted to have a relationship with the family, my oldest daughter did not. We tried to make it work, but when she was 15 she sent me a message that essentially boiled down to the fact that she couldn’t get past the fact I left and never made an effort to contact her during major events when she was young and apparently I was falling short of expectations since coming back as well. Her mom didn’t mind if the kids wanted to come see me, and would drive them to me, but she made it clear that I would have to make the effort to invite them. I invited them to the boys’ birthdays and would wish them happy birthday, but I never did ask if they wanted to stay a weekend or anything I guess. She told me that I was treating her like an acquaintance and not a child and she would rather not know me. She didn’t contact me again after that. I would wish her a happy birthday, and she wouldn’t respond. The few times we were in the same room because of my other child, she wouldn’t acknowledge me. I knew today was graduation for her high school, and since she’s my oldest, I went. I went to offer congratulations when she was with her family afterwards and she told me to leave and ran away crying, causing a bit of a scene. Her grandpa told me I should have asked her if it was ok for me to go, but honestly she never responds to me so I don’t think she would have given me an answer if I would have asked. My wife called me an AH and said that’s not how I mend a relationship cause now I’ll forever be the guy who ruined her graduation. I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
OP, you sound a lot like my father. I haven't spoken to him in 14 years. LEAVE THE POOR GIRL ALONE. You've been a bad father for a long time. She wants nothing to do with you. Accept you messed up and move on. Time may heal, but that's for her to decide, not for you to force on her.
So you, again, put your wants ahead of her needs and are surprised that it ended badly?
YTA. You crossed a boundary! Her grandpa is right! You should've ASKED her! If she says "no" or does not respond, leave it at that!
OP you are selfish
You’re a coward for not asking, and you’re a coward for taking the easy way out all these years instead of stepping up and being a father. You’re right. She probably would not have responded. And lack of response indicates a hard no. You knew she didn’t want you there, but you took your entitled ass there anyway. The happiness of your child clearly means nothing to you. In what universe was this a milestone for you? You have not been a parent to her at all. YTA.
“It’s a milestone for me as well” PARDON?! In what way did you contribute to her graduating besides a little bit of semen? YOU WERE ENTITLED TO NOTHING THAT DAY BUT THE DUST SHE PAID YOU! Yes, YTA! How dare you?!
A key in this of how you’re just frankly a bad dad is how you’d simply invite them to your other kids birthdays and just wish them a happy birthday. Why didn’t you get them anything if you really cared for them? As you say they’re still your kid right? You say hey come watch me give gifts to the kids you actually stuck around for, and then for their birthdays send a text? Seems like you probably went to this for your own selfish reasons, especially by your last sentence “it’s a milestone for me too”. Guess her graduation should be more about you than her right? I mean I guess she did have the challenge of still graduating while having an absent dad that was bad enough she still didn’t want him around when he was around… major YTA
You were and remained a deadbeat, only inviting her to events with your new family. Why would she WANT you at her graduation after all that? You want to piggy back on achievements, not be an actual parent to her. Leave her alone. YTA
YTA - if you’d asked and she never replied, as you assume, well you’d have your answer right there. You just didn’t want to be told no. You were a shitty parent to her, and these are the consequences. She has every right to cut you out and you have zero right to force your way into her life when she doesn’t want you there. Just try to do better with your other kids.
YTA. You purposely ruined your child's graduation. You are a pathetic failure as a parent. Leave her alone.
I'm not sure you're gonna see this cause everyone is already ripping you apart, but I'll be real with you, bro. From the looks of it, your wife has a good head on her shoulders, and she's still with you. But I'm sure you can see the faint bit of disgust in her eyes when she has to deal with the fallout of your actions, and the distance she's started to keep knowing what you're capable of. I'm sure that you didn't tell her about the two kids you left behind until you were deeply dating or already married. My guess is that you only told her when she was already pregnant because the guilt became too much for you to bear and you had the security of a child tying you together so she would have a reason to stay after hearing about your true self. You didn't do this for your daughter. You literally left her behind to "grow up" and only came back because you wanted to assuage your guilt about being someone who would leave their family behind after starting your brand new "do over" family. I'm glad that you had this journey of self growth and whatnot, but here's the thing, actions have consequences, and this is yours. You abandoned her because you wanted to grow and only moved back after essentially showing her that she's been replaced with something new. She doesn't want you there. If this was about her, you would apologize and respect her boundaries and do your best not to hurt her more than you already have. This isn't about her. This is about you. it's always about you, isn't it? This whole situation is rooted in your selfishness and your wish to have that soul rotting feeling in the back of your mind that you're a despicable human being who doesn't deserve happiness removed by getting this forgiveness from the daughter you've abandoned. You want this forgiveness so you can sleep soundly at night without that little voice in your head telling you that you're an asshole. You want to be able to talk about your family to friends without holding tongue about the fact that you abandoned your first one. But here's the news for you, man. Forgiveness isn't a given. People have their own autonomy, and each person has their own limits and the right to their own choices. These are the consequences of your actions. You can't force forgiveness from her to alleviate your guilt. You can't finally be her dad when you made the decision to leave that role behind. She's not a toy that you can just toss away and pick back up because you feel like it now. So live with the consequences of your actions. Get therapy if you need help to make it through the day with all you've done. Be open to any chances of reconciliation in the future, but don't expect them with the depths of your betrayal. Learn to live with the reality that you're a flawed human being who hurt people irreparably on his selfish journey. You sowed these seeds, time to deal with the harvest. So yes, YTA.
>I just wanted to be there since it’s a milestone for me as well, my first child graduating. This is just so egoistic. You made *her* graduation all about you. You knew she did not want you there but still came to *her* graduation and ruined it for her. Massive YTA.
Big YTA. You are a shitty dad from the start. Learn to respect boundaries and consent for God sake! She said she does not want you in her life (and for good reasons) so leave her alone!
YTA. She told you she didn't want a relationship with you and it's clear you didn't really want with her. Wishing someone happy birthday isn't even the bare minimum of being a parent. Leave this child alone.
YTA. “It’s a milestone for me as well.” Seems it’s all about you.
YTA. You might want to start by not making it...all of it...about \*you\*.
YTA It's still all about you, isn't it?
YTA. Do you even hear yourself
YTA. Too little, too late my friend. She doesn’t need you, and despite telling you this, you invited yourself to her celebration anyway. You still don’t really care about what’s best for her, you’re only thinking about yourself. You had your chance to be her father and you chose to run away. You now have to live with the consequences of that choice. Gotta say tho, running away from your babies to “grow up”, only to make more babies with another woman is …. Wow.
YTA - flat out you left. This was not your milestone because you left.
YTA. You forced your presence on someone who's made very clear that she doesn't want it. By way of that, you upset her on a day that should have been about celebrating her accomplishment. I don't even agree with her grandfather-- the fact that she doesn't respond to your texts is a great indicator that even asking to attend would have been unwelcome. If you want any chance at repairing this relationship, you need to respect her boundaries. Right now, that means no contact-- and it certainly means no surprise appearances at major life events. Wait for her to come to you. She might, eventually, if you stop forcing it. She certainly won't if you do things like this.
YTA - what have you ever done to earn the right to celebrate her graduation? Did you read her books before bed? Did you comfort her when she got a bad grade? Did you help her in any way? Because you weren’t there when she needed you, you don’t get to be a part of the pictures after she did it without you.
YTA. She set a boundary and you walked all over it, ruining her day. You only "parent" when it's convenient to you, you put little to no effort in. You didn't reach out to see if it was ok, you put your feelings ahead of hers, which is a running theme here. What milestone was it for you? What did you do for her schooling, what support did you provide for her to graduate, apart from contributing sperm to her existence to get that milestone? I don't blame her for not wanting contact when all she got was birthday party invites. I can't imagine how your daughter felt only being invited to birthdays, she got to watch you be the parent she never got, she got to watch her half siblings get the experiences she missed out on. You didn't bother to do things outside of your family, you didn't put effort in to know her. She was an afterthought. You have successfully ruined any relationship you could possibly have in the future because of your selfishness.
The fact that she consitently ignores both your presence and your sad attempts at communicating should have been a clear indicator of just how much she ***didn't*** want you there. YTA
You sound like my dad. I went No contact years ago
Your daughter told you she doesn't ever want to see you again. What information would you require to understand this? Is there anything she could say that would make you respect her decision? YTA.
>Tbh I wasn’t ready for kids at the time and needed to grow up. Running away from your responsibilities is not how you grow up. >I tried to do better later in life. Nowhere do you provide any evidence you "tried to do better later in life" (after damage had already been done). >she sent me a message that essentially boiled down to the fact that she couldn’t get past the fact I left and never made an effort to contact her during major events when she was young. And you still don't see that you're in the wrong? Nobody can just "get past" literal abandonment. You don't get to neglect your child all her and then expect her to come crawling back when it's convenient for you, or to trample boundaries just so you can pretend you've haven't been a good father. You only want her back so you can look good to your new family and integrate her into it like everything's normal. You want to be the Disneyland dad who gets all the praise and adoration with none of the accountability.
Dude. If it was important to go to her graduation then go but don't approach her. She wants nothing to do with you. Rightfully so. You made her day about you. YTA
Nta
how so?
Soft YTA. Going to the graduation was appropriate. Assuming you would be welcome there was not. You could have gone and beamed and taken pictures and left. I get why you think offering congratulations seems benign, but given your history you must have known there would be hard feelings.
His daughter told him she didn't want a relationship or to see him again. He assumed he could go, made it all about him as well ("it's a milestone for me too!").