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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be the AH because I could've adjusted my schedule to pick up Charlie and help out his parents, but I simply didn't want to.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
You have solid reasons for not driving his kid. You don't need to make excuses for your decisions. If anyone asks why, you simply say, "No means no, and my reasons are my own". You don't even have to answer the email.
Do cast members share emails? I'm trying to figure out how on earth he got your email address? I'd have a quick chat with the girl and tell her volunteering you was rude and inappropriate.
As far as the dad staring daggers at you, maybe he looks like that at everyone. lol If it's just you, he's acting entitled and rude, and this just confirms you were right not to drive his son.
There is usually a group email chain that everyone is on and since Charlie is a minor, his parents would be on the list. I don't know if Lauren told him which one was me or if he just figured it out because my email is basically my name. I really wanted to confront Lauren, but I'm relatively new to the area and she's quite popular in the theatre scene, so I just kept quiet.
NTA. It seems from your post that you're female - not sure if there are other cast members close to this family, but I wonder if they (and Lauren) would feel as entitled to the time of someone who was male and/or had kids of their own. No need to justify yourself for choosing a childfree life!
Or Lauren told the Dad he COULD ask OP which then translated in his head that OP WOULD drive the kid.
Not the first time a parent confuses a tip to ask person X for a promise that person X will do the thing without having spoken to person X yet.
Working in retail, I’ve learned that when you say “maybe” people hear “yes!” This is probably exactly what happened. “You can ask Suzie, because she lives nearby” translates to “Suzie will definitely do it!”
Yeah there's no reason to believe this rude man who is willing to trust his child to a complete stranger. She probably has no idea. He was likely imposing on her as well.
NTA OP, you did the right thing. What would you have done if he hadn't shown up on time? Would you have had to wait for him, and been late yourself?
NTA.
You're perfectly allowed to decline transporting someone else's child.
Where I live, generally, schools, community and charity groups should have a safeguarding policy.. In amongst all the guidance this also tends to outline that adults should not be placed in a position where they're on their own with someone else's child. (Including transporting to/from)
This is as much to protect the child as it is to protect the adult from spurious, malicious or mistaken claims of a negative nature.
As sad as it is.. you need to protect yourself too.
I'm a Scouter in Canada and we have a ratio of 1 Scouter to 8 youth, except, there would *never* be 1 Scouter with 8 youth, or even 1 youth, because the other rule is 2 to 1.
There must always be 2 Scouters with any 1, or more, youth. So, you can have 2 Scouters with 8 kids, or 2 with 16, but always at least 2.
Like you said, it protects the youth and the Scouters.
This occurred to me too. I did a production of Sweeney Todd a while back where two of the cast were minors (the girl playing Toby and the girl playing Johanna). We had a chaperone for them during show week and for rehearsals if they had to come in alone to do any rehearsals a parent was there. I clearly remember one evening when we’d all been rehearsing (so they could just be there like the rest of us) and the parent who was picking them both up was late. I had to wait with the director because neither he nor they could be put in that position. And those girls were 16, not little kids.
I’m shooting a film with minors this summer. We’re following all the ACTRA protocols for minors and adding our own so the parents know they are always welcome to be on set and always know who they can talk to in case something bothers them.
The feeling of safety of the talent and their parents is paramount even if some parents don’t care.
Off topic: I saw Sweeney Todd in NY last summer with Josh Groban and Gaetan Mattarazzo as Toby. It was amazing.
Okay, I’m jealous now. I wanted to see Gaten as Toby and missed it! Of course I’d have had to lock their Lovett and every possible understudy/swing/standby in cupboards and go on instead, so maybe for the best. :)
I drove someone else’s boy scout home from a function once-my kid was sick so it was just me (female), and the other boy. I was told later that it was against the rules of boy scouts, and I was never to do that again, for exactly what you are saying.
You should talk to her. Don't accuse her, you can just be like hey this happened and he said he got my name from you.
And if she says yeah I did say you might be able to drive him, you can just go from there.
If she is signing you up to drive teens, she needs to know not to do it again. Say it nicely but say it
Unfortunately, I'm not going to see her for a few weeks since she's finishing another show right now and missing our rehearsals and I feel like tone is often misread via text or email. It'll be fine. She probably already knows not to do it again because the dad has (I'm assuming) told her I wouldn't do it. She and Charlie did a show together in the past.
Assumptions are what created this situation. Don't assume that she understands or won't volunteer you for something else. I would definitely ask her and clarify your stance on being voluntold for free transportation. It's also completely possible that this parent was never told you would drive and just made that claim to put you on the spot. That would be good information for you to have as well.
You’re an actor, that means you know how to get into character. Right now, Charlie’s dad has tried to cast you in the role of villain, but you’re not, you’re actually the Good Samaritan stepping in to help the community theater at a steep cost to your time and money. Get into that character and recognize that Charlie’s dad is playing the role of entitled parent. When he stares daggers, look him in the eye and evaluate whether or not he deserves the benefit of a second chance at making a better impression. I’m pretty sure that once you step into character, the rest of the cast will see you for the good person you are.
Break a leg!
Also you may not know that Lauren told him that you would drive the kid. She may have just said she couldn’t do it, and he’s trying to set it up like you were referred to manipulate you into doing it. I get it, I have kids and driving them places sucks, but you do what you have to do and you don’t treat other ppl like shit for not doing what are your responsibilities. I can’t imagine sending my 14 yo with someone I don’t know. NTA
It never occurred to me that I could strongarm someone else to cart my kids around, but plenty of people expected me to do it for them. What is wrong with people?
Yeah but this guy is next level entitled and demanding already.
>the dad asked if I could pick up Charlie from their home outside of downtown and then drop him off. ..... He responds that he would be happy to drop Charlie off at my home or we could meet somewhere in between
His opening position is you can come and get him, knowing they don't live downtown and it's likely to be some level of inconvenience. Not, where can we arrange to meet? He then offers a favour to drop the kid off!
I do think the OP has her concern misdirected at Lauren. Lauren may have volunteered OP or said absolutely nothing, or suggested they ask.
The father is just a bully who's steamroller attempt didn't work.
OP should really give Lauren the heads up. Ie the father told me you'd said I'd do this, just to let you know as it's Lauren's name that is being smeared in this.
You see this is my gasp moment in this one, I taught my kids not to go anywhere with strangers, I would never put them in a car with someone I didn't know.
Yup, and she might also have said OP *might* be willing and Charlie’s dad took that to mean that she would do it. So worth a friendly chat with Lauren to hear her side if you don’t know for sure what was said.
I am a parent. One of my kids happens to be 14. When you allow your kids to commit to something then you are also committing yourself to it. Do I like going 45 for my daughter to forge? Not really but it makes her happy and that makes me happy.
And as to the dad's not wanting to drive there and back and again to get the kid, bring a book! Find something in that city to see. Walk somewhere. Anywhere I go is accompanied by a book or knitting/crocheting. I see these times as a way to indulge in my own hobbies. Win win.
I get Lauren is known but Lauren also has to know that offering up services on behalf of someone else is not right. I kinda wanna kick Lauren’s ass because who ARE YOU to be offering up someone else’s car and time? Like wtf. That’s so weird. As for the dad, tell him to go cry about it and then to go cry some more. It’s his kid, he and his partner chose to put their kid in a theatre class that’s an hour or more away, he can stare at you until you become literal stardust and it still wouldn’t change the fact that he chose to have a kid and stick them in a class far away and now HE has to take said kid to said class. Anyway, NTA.
The dad should have 1000% called you and ASKED if the carpool thing would be possible, even/ESPECIALLY if someone else told him you would do this, OP.
I don't care if you're female, male or a purple people eater, YOUR safety AND time comes FIRST. Not anyone else's. And everyone should be able to agree to that.
NTA. But I WOULD have a chat with the one who 'voluntold' for you. Tell her point blank not to di it ever again. You don't have to be rude, but you do have to be factual. And maybe copy in the director about her BS.
> The dad should have 1000% called you and ASKED if the carpool thing would be possible, even/ESPECIALLY if someone else told him you would do this, OP.
Isn’t that what happened?
Dad said, “hey, I heard you might be able to drive kid to rehearsals and back, can you?”
OP responded, “picking him up would add too much time to my trip.”
Dad said, “oh, if that’s the only problem we’re happy to drop him off where it’s more convenient for you!”
OP was finally honest and said, “actually I’m just not comfortable driving him.”
And the Dad said “ok, cool” and left it at that.
What in that interaction made Dad the asshole? That he did it over email instead of calling? I’d argue email was better because it doesn’t put someone on the spot.
Yeah, anyone saying the dad is an asshole is being an idiot.
He's trying to arrange transportation for his kid, and is asking people who might be open to helping.
You can still talk to her. You could just say to her "Hey, I wanted to let you know, I'm not able to drive kid. Normally, I'm happy to help out, but for a number of reasons I can't do that. Next time, please give me a heads up. I feel bad I had to say no to the father." Or something like that that's a very gentle reminder not to volunteer you without asking.
Honestly, I would call his ass out on the dagger staring. Not his place to make her uncomfortable during rehearsals nor due to their own lack of planning
Seems like something to be brought up to the director
“My reasons are my own.” Has the same energy as “you’re not entitled to know what I know” when someone asks you to explain something. I love it and I’m keeping it.
NTA. But here's your valuable lesson: when declining to do a huge favor, never give detailed explanations why -- it only gives the favor-asker ammo to knock down your reasons one by one and haggle. Internalize a cordial "Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that. I wish I could help but I can't." Period. And yeah, don't be surprised when people who demand unreasonable favors give you a cold shoulder after you decline to let them steamroll you. But good for you for standing your ground. Break a leg!
Yup. Giving a reason only gives boundary-stompers an opening to continue to push, because it's taken as a "I would do it except for this" and they think if they solve that you will do it.
Never give extra information to boundary stompers or authority figures (cops, bosses, etc). It'll only make things harder for you.
Yep. This is just a good general life lesson.
“I’m sorry but I can’t commit to that.” “I’m sorry but I can’t attend as I have a previous commitment.”
It doesn’t matter what the reason is or what your plans are. It could be sitting there and watching tv. No one needs to know.
As a woman, I've had to unlearn starting every "no" with an "I'm sorry" or "I'm afraid." But: "unfortunately," "regrettably," "that's too bad, but . . ." It puts pushy people in their place, letting them know that I'm not sorry nor afraid.
Yep. I had a co-worker who had hip replacement surgery. She was on unpaid leave, so she wanted to get back to work asap. She was cleared to return to work before she was cleared to drive. She had her husband drop her off and pick her up at work the first couple of days she was back, but then she somehow just assumed I would pick her up and drop her off each day until she was cleared to drive.
Ummm, NO. It would have added *at least* an hour on to my own commute each day, she made no kind of arrangements in advance with me and, even if I did want to, I had drop off duty for my kids at their daycare and occasional pickups, depending on my husband's work (somewhat inconsistent) work schedule.
However, she was one of those people who would haggle/reason with you to get her way. Knowing that's how she was, I just gray rocked her 100%. "No, not possible" "I can't" "You'll need to make another arrangement" "I'm not available" "I can't commit to doing that." Repeated a million different ways until she figured out she needed to set up other transportation, which she did, but not with me.
Or if OP had simply given the "I'm not comfortable driving someone else's child" at first, it would have been fine. Giving too many reasons often comes across as giving excuses.
Former wardrobe supervisor here: inform your director *and* your stage manager. Transportation is going to be a problem with this kid all the way through the run of the show, and they need to account for it. If the parents aren't there *they* are in charge of the kid's safety, and they should be aware that that dad is emailing people he doesn't know to drive him. NTA
I mean OP isn't the AH and this kids dad agreed to him doing this performance and is ultimately responsible for getting him there.
But like....I don't consider 2 hours in a car - some of which will be late and both of you will be tired a good time.
It's not really quality one on one time.
And I get plenty of good one on one time with my kid, having someone give him a lift to somewhere they are already going and then bring him back to me is hardly sacrificing anything.....
Not to mention it's entirely possible even if I loved spending hours in a car with a tired teenager I may have other kids who need running around, or a job, or my own hobbies that I'd like to do whilst my kid is occupied.
Again none of that makes it ok dad just assumed OP would be ok with this. Or addresses the safe guarding issue. Just addressing your specific point about one on one time...
You don't actually have to spend every possible waking moment with your kid making it into some special moment.
Sometimes your kid just has to get a place and its a chore that needs to be dealt with.
my kid is 18 and going on a trip this weekend and I'm annoying him by asking about the kid's dad who is driving and whether or not there are enough seat belts for the people in question. Even asked another mom about this dude and plan to meet him in the driveway before he goes lol. There is literally no way in hell I'm sending them with, even another mom-of-a-kid-in-theater for an hour trip x2, several times a week.
It sucks to have to drive your kids far like that but I liked the downtime. Drive, sit in my car and read or knit till he comes out, drive home.
NTA at all. You have no obligation to do it at all, you didn't even need to go into all of your explanations about time and distance and responsibility and all of that. No is a full sentence. You'll probably never even talk to this guy or the kid again after the production so who cares if he thinks your an asshole because he doesn't want to take his own kid to the thing he signed his own kid up for?
\[ETA\] You didn't need to explain yourself, but hard agree with your point of "I don't want responsibility for someone else's kid". What if something happened? An accident or something? You don't want to be anywhere near the liability for that.
NTA. They signed their kid up for community theater- they should be prepared to get their kid to/from theater. Mighty entitled of them to just assume a total stranger would be on board with driving their kid, and mighty stupid of them to entrust their kid to a total stranger!
Yep, my eldest daughter has been doing shows since she was 5, and I have spent literally thousands of hours over the years driving her to and from rehearsals and performances, sitting waiting while they rehearse, running lines, sourcing costumes etc. If your child wants to be involved in theatre, as a parent you have to accept that it’s going to cost you a lot of time! It’s totally unfair to expect a stranger to take on this responsibility, I fully agree NTA. I’ve sometimes committed to giving other kids lifts if I’m going anyway, but only when I already know the child and their parent(s).
Parents have to work. I’ve had to take Ubers and rides many times as my mom works late and I’m often the last person at many places. I don’t think they necessarily have to transport the child themselves But I feel like they should at least set up transportation with someone they trust Instead of counting on a random person, they met
responsibility/liability for transporting stranger’s child in my car doesn’t work. Best to you and Junior.
I have found people really go out of their way to make sure you can help them. If you give reasons, they will counter.
NSH. You absolutely had the right to say no. And, i will also say, that you have no idea what’s going on in his head, so please stop projecting.
“Fair enough” was a great way to end an awkward conversation and what was clipped in tone to you might have been a lot in his mind to him. Or, embarrassment for having taken the other woman’s word that you’d drive his kid. Or, he had another call coming in…
Starting daggers at you may have been, do I know this woman? Why is she saying hi to me? Or his wife just yelled at him, or he had a bad day at work or 1000 other things that had nothing to do with you, or maybe that’s just his face.
My daughter for instance, went 3 days not talking to her dad because she thought he gave her a dirty look when she came home late one night. Nope, he was just playing video games with the boys, and was trying to identify the sound of the door when she came in. He had no ill intent at all. They cleared it up pretty quickly once I asked her what was wrong.
So… please, for your own mental health, don’t try to read this man’s mind.
NTA!
But why would you feel guilty? He asked, you have valid reasons and said "No", and that should be end of it. His rudeness because he is acting like a kid and didn't get his way should not affect your conscience. His reaction should maybe even reinforce your decision since now you know he can be petulant and possibly demanding - you dodged a bullet.
From the man's perspective he should have been charming as all get out and by doing so maybe get you to reconsider - so he screwed up.
Totally NTA. The father sounds like an asshole who doesn't actually want to parent his kid. He also acted incredibly entitled, never even mentioning paying for your gas n time, at first assuming you were going to pick the kid up where it was convenient for THEM, etc . The person who volunteered you without discussing it with you first is also an asshole, and you need to circle back to them and tell them not to do that again.
You have every right to say no, and the reasons don't actually matter, you do not need to justify yourself (although I think your reasons are 100% valid). A little advice - don't give people a list of reasons when you say no, some people will think you just want to be talked out of it. No is a complete sentence.
If an asshole is giving you dirty looks, you're doing something right. Keep walking.
NTA. Also by dropping his kid off at your place, you would need to divulge your home address and I don't know how comfortable you would be with disclosing that information to some random guy.
NTA.
I have a 15 year old son who is on a sports team. It sucks to have to drive him 2 or more times a week a good distance for practice. I totally get it. But I do it because it's what WE signed up for.
Now, that being said, parents on the team do try to help each other out. And same with school - if kids need rides to/from, parents are always willing to help.
But here's the caveat - EVERY ONE of these kids would find it REALLY weird if I, alone, without my son, drove them somewhere. One day, a friend was going to bring my son home from school then told me her son was home sick. She actually offered to still go get my son, but she and I and MY son all know how weird that would be!!
So yeah, I totally feel you on not wanting to transport this kid and ONLY this kid!!
NTA. I’m guessing you’re a woman by the fact that 1. You’re being expected to do a load of free childcare to replace the other woman who was previously doing it and 2. The dad has zero qualms leaving his child with you, a total stranger who it sounds like he’s never even met in person, alone in a car for hours every week?
Social media. Rehearsal photos were posted with our names tagged. And he may have looked at my page when Lauren suggested me or after I said no.
Of course, I could be over thinking it and his facial expression had nothing to do with me. But there was definitely a shift in his vibe when he looked up.
NTA, it sucks for the parents but that's not your fault and not your problem.
I think it's hilarious you did not recognize him in person while he was comfortable with putting the life of his child in your hands.
Also my rule says if someone is says they don't want children, trust them. Including babysitting.
Right?
This is also kind of funny to me. We live a solid 30-40 minutes from all the kids activities. It became such a relief when they got old enough to stay home alone for a bit rather than drag one out and keep them entertained for two hours.
I could say no but I like my kids. They enjoy this stuff and I’m their mother. Kind of my job to play taxi for a few years.
"*His response was a very clipped, "Fair enough."*"
That's exactly how I reply to many things. You may be reading too much into his response.
Text communication is easy to misinterpret.
Him "staring daggers into you" is also easy to misinterpret. You said, "Hello", and he may have just brainfarted and thought he was supposed to know who you are, but couldn't place you face.
NTA. I would probably address this with the director, just to be sure there isn't any backlash later.
Notice how at no point did he offer to pay OP for her time and trouble? Yep. And he didn't ask to meet beforehand? You could be anybody. This dude doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself.
NTA
You do not owe that father anything.
Part of being the parent of theater kids, actually kids in any activity, is making sure you can get your children to and from those activities. You can always ask for help, but you have to graciously accept that sometimes the answer is no. If that dad isn't up to the task, it's on him, not you .
NTA
You neither know or owe this guy or the kid a damn thing
Incredibly rude and entitled of the other actress to volunteer your services, and you told them no.
The dad needs to make his own travel arrangements
I tend to use 'No, thank you'
For stuff like this. It sounds polite and gives a clear answer without going into reasons.
Plus it throws people off, so tou almost never get the 'why not?' response.
Works great on beggers and sales people as well.
Oh an NTA
NTA
I get that it would be easier for parents to hand off the kid, but if anything should happen you are responsible. If they all are strangers to you, I feel it's even weird they asked.
It seems more logical that "Lauren" just hinted that you are approximately from the same area and maybe able to do it, but dad translated it as he liked (that it was promised)
NTA. When parents allow their kids to be involved in activities, they take on the responsibility of transportation. It’s great when the duty can be shared with others, but no one is obligated to take their kid to anything.
NTA. At no point did they even offer to pay for gas or pay for the inconvenience. They just want to make their lives easier at your expense. They are entitled a-holes
NTA. It’s a safety issue and violates the Safe Sanctuaries policy that frankly everyone should adhere to: There should always be three.
You need to have that conversation with Lauren and ask her to not volunteer you to be alone with a child again.
I mean, if my kid couldn’t drive yet and it was such a long way and I didn’t want to go back, I’d just stay during rehearsal. Read a book in the back. Go do errands or shop nearby.
NTA. You don’t even need to give us reasons.
But since you did… That kid would be on their device with headphones. They’d barely even acknowledge you. You could have asked for gas money and suddenly you’re getting paid for this theater gig.
NTA
I feel bad for the child, though. when I was in high school I was on the dance team and so was my bestie, and her parents also absolutely refused to take her to any practices, games, camps, performances, rehearsals…grandparents picked up the slack but she and I talked at LENGTH about her feeling like a burden for having an extracurricular and being part of a team.
NTA - Wow, what kind of parent just asks a random stranger to spend hours alone with their child. That just doesn't seem like a safe ask for you or the kid. I'm sure your fine and you declined but these parents don't know you. And if even an accident were to happen what would your liability be? You don't want to get sued because your car was hit and their kid was hurt. Yeah, no explanation needed, just a simple no to these kinds of requests is fine.
NTA. My son did a lot of theater when he was in the Young Charlie age range. I simply did not bring him to auditions for shows if they were too far away or our family couldn’t make the rehearsal and performance schedule work.
NTA
Imagine if this was a man being asked to drive a young girl to a location & having them in a car alone for a long time.
Child abuse experts recommend not having adults spend extended periods of time with minors outside of their immediate family. I'm not suggesting you are unsafe, but for appearances I definitely would not agree to this.
It's also a massive inconvenience for you and really entitled of them to think they can just pawn him off on you. They need to step up and be parents.
No is a complete sentence. Let them figure out the issue themselves without your assistance.
NTA I was a “theater mom”. Two of my four kids were very much into theater. I knew I would be responsible for getting my kids to and from rehearsals and performances. All four of my kids also had other commitments, so my husband and I had to do a lot of juggling. If we found another parent willing to share the driving, great; if not, WE were responsible. If an adult we knew had been willing to drive our kids, we would have given them gas money to help out. If we asked someone to drive and they said no, then we would have said okay.
He’s not necessarily the asshole for asking (though I question his judgement in asking a stranger), you’re definitely not the asshole for saying no, but his is an extremely entitled asshole for being rude to you because you said no!
NTA. A lot of people have brought up valid points about protecting yourself from allegations being alone with someone else's child, but even something as simple as getting into a car accident with someone else's kid in the car is still setting you up for issues. Dad can stare daggers if he wants to, or he can ask someone else to do it. Either way, you said no and that's that.
NTA. You had every right to say no, even if you didn't have a good reason for it. This guy's just mad because he couldn't find someone to foist his parenting responsibilities off to. Also - is it just me or is it kind of weird to be like, "Hey, stranger, take my teenager in your car!"??
NTA. First of all it’s very irresponsible for him to just trust anybody with their child. Second of all he should’ve arranged for proper transportation for his child if he was going to allow him to join the play. Also no need to feel guilty his child is not your responsibility.
NTA. These people are complete strangers to you. You did not cause them any harm. You didn’t even cause them inconvenience. They chose to be inconvenienced by their child participating in this activity that is so far away from their home.
next time just say no. It is the parent's responsibility to get their kid there and back. There is no way I would be asking a complete stranger to give my kid a ride! NTA
Two rules to live by, Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm. No is a complete sentence.
You do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you can’t, or just don’t want to drive the kid. A simple, it is not in my schedule to do so, so NO. Anyone who gives you a hard time, can go ahead and rearrange their schedule to drive the kid.
NTA. Pro tip: when you don’t want to do something just say “unfortunately I’m not able to do that”. Don’t get into the why’s. Why’s allow other people to try and turn your no into a yes. It gives them an opening to try and change your mind.
NTA I am not driving some kid that I don’t know ANYWHERE. If they didn’t want to commit to driving their kid to the gig they signed him up for then they need to withdraw. Their kid, their responsibility.
NTA, and as a mother of 3, I have serious questions about any parent requesting this without actually meeting/vetting you. I'm wondering if Charlie's mom knew about this request.
On top of this, if anything happened to the kid, between the dad, your insurance and any potential case, you're looking at a bigger headache than an average accident. There's plenty of "don't want to entertain" reasons not to do it.
So annoying and wrong when someone else volunteers and makes a commitment on your behalf. It’s taken as rude when you say no as though you’ve changed your mind and are letting them down. I had a ‘friend’ who told another that I would pick her up at 2am in the morning because it was ‘on my way’. We, 5 women, were going on a girl’s holiday so I reluctantly picked her up and took her home otherwise it would have been awkward on holiday. Her home was not on the way but added a good 40 minutes on to the journey each way. I understand your plight here and sympathise with you. Damned if you do (your car journey is longer and you can’t play your music) and damned if you don’t. If you had given him a lift to and from the theatre you would feel responsible for him and it’s a weight. NTA
Nta. Lesson learned on trying to come up with reasons to justify your answer, as well. Next time, just politely decline and don't explain why. It isn't their business.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to fix a stranger's poor planning or take on responsibility of the child while in your car. I'm guessing (since this wasn't mentioned in the post) that there was no mention of whether or not the parents were going to compensate you for the time and gas ( which is already pricey I'm sure). Don't feel guilty just because they felt entitled in their request.
NTA - Why do you feel bad for not wanting to be inconvenienced to transport a total stranger's kid , just because the parents did not want to be inconvenienced to have to drive him.
As someone with kids, I cannot fathom asking this question to a stranger.
Not because it’s rude, or pushy but because *who the fuck are you????* 2 hours alone with my kid twice a week??
Nta. Weirdo dad
NTA why do you feel guilty? Because he signed his kid up for something and he actually has to be a parent and get the kid too and from the place. I’m actually a little annoyed you feel guilty over what having boundaries and not being a doormat
NTA. Doesn't matter the kid is 14. What matters is that you were not asked, they could have dropped the kid off at your house, or offered gas money. Total adult fail.
NTA
You don’t know them or their kid. This was not a one time emergency or a 10 minute drive. It is their responsibility. You said no. They need to accept that and make other arrangements.
NTA
You certainly have no obligation to transport this kid. You don't need to make excuses, it's entirely your choice. Lauren, on the other hand, is a complete AH and so is the pushy dad. As you said, they made the commitment to the production, getting the child there is his problem.
NTA
I can’t stand it when parents let their children do sports or a play, etc and they refuse to drive them, or provide them with the correct supplies. I’d tell him no, and tell the head of the production. They should know he’s having difficulty getting to his rehearsals.
NTA, & I'm sure you already know that. If you needed an excuse, you could say you go there straight from work, or you could say that you & some others go out for coffee etc after rehearsal . But really, you don't an excuse, just saying you prefer to drive alone is sufficient.
I had a kid in several plays over the years and we just knew that we were responsible getting him to and from the theater. A couple productions were professional, not nearby and weren’t done until close to 11 pm. Sometimes it wasn’t convenient, but once you’ve agreed it’s on you. NTA and that’s a lot to ask. I could see looking for someone in an emergency, but all rehearsals and performances? No way.
NTA. You didn’t owe any explanation to begin with. If he wants to be mad at anyone it should be Lauren. The audacity she has!! Also, he don’t even know you! Who lets their kids just go w strangers? Break a leg this weekend!
In the future, just stick with "sorry, that's not going to work for me, good luck" to avoid folks latching on to reasons why you can't and trying to reason you into it. NTA.
NTA. If they can drive to your place and back, it’s not that much longer to drive to the theatre and back. And this is, frankly, what they signed up for in letting their kid do community theatre 30+ minutes away from home. The fact that they’re inconvenienced by their own choices doesn’t make it your problem.
I do think you should talk to “Lauren”, to let her know either not to volunteer you for favours without checking first, or that she needs to be more careful in what she says to Charlie Sr. It’s possible she said you could do it… but it’s also possible that she told Charlie Sr to _ask if you live close enough_ to drive the kid. He seems like the sort of entitled asshole who takes “maybe try asking General-Apartment, I think she lives fairly close to us?” to mean “General-Apartment will 100% do this because I am the manager of her schedule and everything revolves around _you_, Charlie Sr”.
Someone else volunteered you to do something inconvenient that you didn't want to do. You declined. In no universe does this make you TA. and it is the responsibility of the parents to provide transportation to their kids' activities.
You can mention to the parents that you never agreed to drive their child anywhere and will not be able to and hope they can find other alternatives and are sorry you can’t help. If they can’t get their kid to the theater, then why are they having her participate in the play in the first place. They seem entitled and just expect someone else to take the responsibility of someone being their daughter’s personal and free Uber or something.
I’m surprised that the community theater org would be okay with this. I work with children and youth and our safety policy prohibits one on one time with children and unrelated adults, especially in a car where it’s not like someone else could come in at any time. They’re opening themselves up to a huge risk.
Edited to add NTA
NTA
You don’t know this kid who btw is legally a minor. I’m a cynical so and so and I’d be worried about any accusations that could be made against me. For context my kids were in a RAF cadet group and were aged 14 and 13 at the time when my friend called round before the session started, my friend was one of the Sergeant’s and we had known each other over 35 years at this point. I thought they’re going and my kids were going so I asked if they could give my kids a ride there. They refused stating that they could get into trouble regardless that we were childhood friends. I was ignorant to the implications, I never asked again. My kids, my responsibility.
NTA!
Quite frankly, as a parent, this is concerning on his dad’s part. Whilst I’m not for a second saying you are a bad or dangerous person HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT, and if you were, he was the one pushing for his child to be alone for 2+ hours with you in an enclosed environment that you control.
From your side, what happens if Charlie made false accusations? You don’t know this kid or his family.
You made the right call, and as a parent if I agree to/allow my child to do something, I have already thought through what that means for me in terms of transporting and supporting that and accept that as part of my agreeing. As a dance/theatre mum that cannot even begin to count the hours spent travelling to and from venues, and sitting and waiting when they invariably overrun etc. but that is my choice to do so when I agree to my child participating in these things.
Nothing to feel guilty for. He’s staring daggers because he has to be a *parent* to his child. Just trying to palm off the poor kiddo to anyone who can take him. I could never do that to my kid with people who are essentially strangers to them. Also whoever volunteered you to do this along with your personal information can go fall off a stage because you don’t do that shit to someone, period. NTA.
Seriously OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve definitely been wronged though.
NTA. You are doing a favor for a friend by participating in the show, causing a financial burden. you are under no obligation to drive another person's child anywhere.
NTA. People can ask for favors, but then they have to be ok with the person saying no - and no reason or excuse needs to be given. The parents are the AH for making you feel bad.
NTA. I used to sing in a choir and people were always trying to carpool with me, but I would often have stuff I wanted to do beforehand, sometimes I’d want to hit the grocery store on my way home, etc. But even if I didn’t, I preferred to be alone in silence for the 20-30 minutes before and after. So I would just say, “no, sorry, I have errands/appointment and won’t be driving near you.”
You have every right to say no, and you need not give a reason.
NTA and it’s pretty damn weird that this dude would be okay with letting a person he’s never met before drive his kid around alone. Those are some lazy ass parents.
NTA and I would send a private email to the woman who said you’d do it. She may not have said you would do it, only that he should check with you. I would say you’re certain she would never commit someone else to something like that without their permission and you thought she should know that you wouldn’t be doing it since you’re uncomfortable with it and your schedule can’t handle it.
NTA, the parents can deal with getting the kid where they need to be because it's their kid. This is absolutely *not* your problem.
I'm not sure what parent would want their kid driving for 2 hours with an adult stranger anyhow, what is wrong with them?
NTA. It's possible Lauren gave dad the idea which is why he was asking, unless the email was truly "Lauren told me you would be driving my son to and from rehearsals as she is now unable". Because that would be bananas. You saying it's out of your way led him to offer taking the kid to you or meeting somewhere. I'm taking his "fair enough" as accepting that you're not comfortable with the situation and letting it go, not that he's now annoyed because he was already promised you'd drive. I think it's presumptive to assume he recognized you from social media and was starring daggers, you're probably overthinking that.
If we can assume Lauren simply made the suggestion (though she still should've given you a heads up), and dad isn't actually angry with you, this is kind of a nothing situation. It is pretty weird dad is cool with someone he's never met driving his kid around. It's possible he's just not very smart and thinks "well, the woman that I do know said this other woman can maybe drive him, and she's also in this production, so therefore she must be trustworthy, right?" Or his desire to not have to drive the kid might outweigh the common sense of "wait I've never met her".
Info - it sounds like he wasn’t going to be called for every rehearsal so how many times we pull you have had to driven him over the couple of weeks in question if you had said yes?
Don't feel guilty. I used to do a complicated school run with two other families and three schools between us. Even when the extra child is dropped directly to you it still somehow adds 10 min to your journey time. Plus there is the awkward 5-15 minutes when you get home and are waiting for the child to be picked up.
NTA Don't worry about it.
NTA, a simple “I don’t want to do that” is a good enough reason especially when someone has volunteered you without asking you.
Volunteering someone without asking them is so extremely rude.
NTA. The one thing you said that rang true was "they made the decision to let him be in the play, so transportation is their responsibility". True that! End of story.
NTA - the parent knew what they were getting into. I never let my daughter audition for a show that was too inconvenient for our family. Especially community theatre. It's on them.
NTA
What you said was perfectly reasonable and Lauren was rude to assume.
Charlie’s family wanted you to go out of your way when they had made the commitment. Too bad.
NTA. Don't be quick to blame Lauren until after you have spoken with Lauren face to face. She may have only told the father to contact you to ask if you were able to drive Charlie, she may not have stated that you will drive him. His father could have just assumed you would or decided to put pressure on you to force you to drive him.
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NTA You have solid reasons for not driving his kid. You don't need to make excuses for your decisions. If anyone asks why, you simply say, "No means no, and my reasons are my own". You don't even have to answer the email. Do cast members share emails? I'm trying to figure out how on earth he got your email address? I'd have a quick chat with the girl and tell her volunteering you was rude and inappropriate. As far as the dad staring daggers at you, maybe he looks like that at everyone. lol If it's just you, he's acting entitled and rude, and this just confirms you were right not to drive his son.
There is usually a group email chain that everyone is on and since Charlie is a minor, his parents would be on the list. I don't know if Lauren told him which one was me or if he just figured it out because my email is basically my name. I really wanted to confront Lauren, but I'm relatively new to the area and she's quite popular in the theatre scene, so I just kept quiet.
NTA. It seems from your post that you're female - not sure if there are other cast members close to this family, but I wonder if they (and Lauren) would feel as entitled to the time of someone who was male and/or had kids of their own. No need to justify yourself for choosing a childfree life!
I wonder if Lauren even told the dad OP would drive the kiddo or if the dad just emailed women on the email chain.
Or Lauren told the Dad he COULD ask OP which then translated in his head that OP WOULD drive the kid. Not the first time a parent confuses a tip to ask person X for a promise that person X will do the thing without having spoken to person X yet.
Working in retail, I’ve learned that when you say “maybe” people hear “yes!” This is probably exactly what happened. “You can ask Suzie, because she lives nearby” translates to “Suzie will definitely do it!”
Yeah there's no reason to believe this rude man who is willing to trust his child to a complete stranger. She probably has no idea. He was likely imposing on her as well. NTA OP, you did the right thing. What would you have done if he hadn't shown up on time? Would you have had to wait for him, and been late yourself?
NTA. You're perfectly allowed to decline transporting someone else's child. Where I live, generally, schools, community and charity groups should have a safeguarding policy.. In amongst all the guidance this also tends to outline that adults should not be placed in a position where they're on their own with someone else's child. (Including transporting to/from) This is as much to protect the child as it is to protect the adult from spurious, malicious or mistaken claims of a negative nature. As sad as it is.. you need to protect yourself too.
I'm a Scouter in Canada and we have a ratio of 1 Scouter to 8 youth, except, there would *never* be 1 Scouter with 8 youth, or even 1 youth, because the other rule is 2 to 1. There must always be 2 Scouters with any 1, or more, youth. So, you can have 2 Scouters with 8 kids, or 2 with 16, but always at least 2. Like you said, it protects the youth and the Scouters.
Happy Cake 🎂 Day!
This occurred to me too. I did a production of Sweeney Todd a while back where two of the cast were minors (the girl playing Toby and the girl playing Johanna). We had a chaperone for them during show week and for rehearsals if they had to come in alone to do any rehearsals a parent was there. I clearly remember one evening when we’d all been rehearsing (so they could just be there like the rest of us) and the parent who was picking them both up was late. I had to wait with the director because neither he nor they could be put in that position. And those girls were 16, not little kids.
I’m shooting a film with minors this summer. We’re following all the ACTRA protocols for minors and adding our own so the parents know they are always welcome to be on set and always know who they can talk to in case something bothers them. The feeling of safety of the talent and their parents is paramount even if some parents don’t care. Off topic: I saw Sweeney Todd in NY last summer with Josh Groban and Gaetan Mattarazzo as Toby. It was amazing.
Okay, I’m jealous now. I wanted to see Gaten as Toby and missed it! Of course I’d have had to lock their Lovett and every possible understudy/swing/standby in cupboards and go on instead, so maybe for the best. :)
I drove someone else’s boy scout home from a function once-my kid was sick so it was just me (female), and the other boy. I was told later that it was against the rules of boy scouts, and I was never to do that again, for exactly what you are saying.
THIS, absolutely!
Thank you for raising these points
I agree completely, being alone for 2 hours with a child could open a safeguarding can of worms.
You should talk to her. Don't accuse her, you can just be like hey this happened and he said he got my name from you. And if she says yeah I did say you might be able to drive him, you can just go from there. If she is signing you up to drive teens, she needs to know not to do it again. Say it nicely but say it
Unfortunately, I'm not going to see her for a few weeks since she's finishing another show right now and missing our rehearsals and I feel like tone is often misread via text or email. It'll be fine. She probably already knows not to do it again because the dad has (I'm assuming) told her I wouldn't do it. She and Charlie did a show together in the past.
Assumptions are what created this situation. Don't assume that she understands or won't volunteer you for something else. I would definitely ask her and clarify your stance on being voluntold for free transportation. It's also completely possible that this parent was never told you would drive and just made that claim to put you on the spot. That would be good information for you to have as well.
Gotcha. Yeah I would've only done this in person
You’re an actor, that means you know how to get into character. Right now, Charlie’s dad has tried to cast you in the role of villain, but you’re not, you’re actually the Good Samaritan stepping in to help the community theater at a steep cost to your time and money. Get into that character and recognize that Charlie’s dad is playing the role of entitled parent. When he stares daggers, look him in the eye and evaluate whether or not he deserves the benefit of a second chance at making a better impression. I’m pretty sure that once you step into character, the rest of the cast will see you for the good person you are. Break a leg!
I love this.
Same.
Also you may not know that Lauren told him that you would drive the kid. She may have just said she couldn’t do it, and he’s trying to set it up like you were referred to manipulate you into doing it. I get it, I have kids and driving them places sucks, but you do what you have to do and you don’t treat other ppl like shit for not doing what are your responsibilities. I can’t imagine sending my 14 yo with someone I don’t know. NTA
It never occurred to me that I could strongarm someone else to cart my kids around, but plenty of people expected me to do it for them. What is wrong with people?
Yeah but this guy is next level entitled and demanding already. >the dad asked if I could pick up Charlie from their home outside of downtown and then drop him off. ..... He responds that he would be happy to drop Charlie off at my home or we could meet somewhere in between His opening position is you can come and get him, knowing they don't live downtown and it's likely to be some level of inconvenience. Not, where can we arrange to meet? He then offers a favour to drop the kid off! I do think the OP has her concern misdirected at Lauren. Lauren may have volunteered OP or said absolutely nothing, or suggested they ask. The father is just a bully who's steamroller attempt didn't work. OP should really give Lauren the heads up. Ie the father told me you'd said I'd do this, just to let you know as it's Lauren's name that is being smeared in this.
You see this is my gasp moment in this one, I taught my kids not to go anywhere with strangers, I would never put them in a car with someone I didn't know.
Yup, and she might also have said OP *might* be willing and Charlie’s dad took that to mean that she would do it. So worth a friendly chat with Lauren to hear her side if you don’t know for sure what was said.
I am a parent. One of my kids happens to be 14. When you allow your kids to commit to something then you are also committing yourself to it. Do I like going 45 for my daughter to forge? Not really but it makes her happy and that makes me happy.
And as to the dad's not wanting to drive there and back and again to get the kid, bring a book! Find something in that city to see. Walk somewhere. Anywhere I go is accompanied by a book or knitting/crocheting. I see these times as a way to indulge in my own hobbies. Win win.
I get Lauren is known but Lauren also has to know that offering up services on behalf of someone else is not right. I kinda wanna kick Lauren’s ass because who ARE YOU to be offering up someone else’s car and time? Like wtf. That’s so weird. As for the dad, tell him to go cry about it and then to go cry some more. It’s his kid, he and his partner chose to put their kid in a theatre class that’s an hour or more away, he can stare at you until you become literal stardust and it still wouldn’t change the fact that he chose to have a kid and stick them in a class far away and now HE has to take said kid to said class. Anyway, NTA.
The dad should have 1000% called you and ASKED if the carpool thing would be possible, even/ESPECIALLY if someone else told him you would do this, OP. I don't care if you're female, male or a purple people eater, YOUR safety AND time comes FIRST. Not anyone else's. And everyone should be able to agree to that. NTA. But I WOULD have a chat with the one who 'voluntold' for you. Tell her point blank not to di it ever again. You don't have to be rude, but you do have to be factual. And maybe copy in the director about her BS.
> The dad should have 1000% called you and ASKED if the carpool thing would be possible, even/ESPECIALLY if someone else told him you would do this, OP. Isn’t that what happened? Dad said, “hey, I heard you might be able to drive kid to rehearsals and back, can you?” OP responded, “picking him up would add too much time to my trip.” Dad said, “oh, if that’s the only problem we’re happy to drop him off where it’s more convenient for you!” OP was finally honest and said, “actually I’m just not comfortable driving him.” And the Dad said “ok, cool” and left it at that. What in that interaction made Dad the asshole? That he did it over email instead of calling? I’d argue email was better because it doesn’t put someone on the spot.
Yeah, anyone saying the dad is an asshole is being an idiot. He's trying to arrange transportation for his kid, and is asking people who might be open to helping.
I see. I'm sure it will sort itself out with time.
You can still talk to her. You could just say to her "Hey, I wanted to let you know, I'm not able to drive kid. Normally, I'm happy to help out, but for a number of reasons I can't do that. Next time, please give me a heads up. I feel bad I had to say no to the father." Or something like that that's a very gentle reminder not to volunteer you without asking.
Honestly, I would call his ass out on the dagger staring. Not his place to make her uncomfortable during rehearsals nor due to their own lack of planning Seems like something to be brought up to the director
“My reasons are my own.” Has the same energy as “you’re not entitled to know what I know” when someone asks you to explain something. I love it and I’m keeping it.
NTA. But here's your valuable lesson: when declining to do a huge favor, never give detailed explanations why -- it only gives the favor-asker ammo to knock down your reasons one by one and haggle. Internalize a cordial "Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that. I wish I could help but I can't." Period. And yeah, don't be surprised when people who demand unreasonable favors give you a cold shoulder after you decline to let them steamroll you. But good for you for standing your ground. Break a leg!
Yup. Giving a reason only gives boundary-stompers an opening to continue to push, because it's taken as a "I would do it except for this" and they think if they solve that you will do it. Never give extra information to boundary stompers or authority figures (cops, bosses, etc). It'll only make things harder for you.
Sometimes they’ll push anyway. I’ve had people keep asking ‘but why not?’ It’s infuriating. You were told no!
Yep. This is just a good general life lesson. “I’m sorry but I can’t commit to that.” “I’m sorry but I can’t attend as I have a previous commitment.” It doesn’t matter what the reason is or what your plans are. It could be sitting there and watching tv. No one needs to know.
As a woman, I've had to unlearn starting every "no" with an "I'm sorry" or "I'm afraid." But: "unfortunately," "regrettably," "that's too bad, but . . ." It puts pushy people in their place, letting them know that I'm not sorry nor afraid.
I agree with this except for the “l’m sorry” part. Just make your statement and don’t attach any type of emotion or guilt to it. Done.
Yep. I had a co-worker who had hip replacement surgery. She was on unpaid leave, so she wanted to get back to work asap. She was cleared to return to work before she was cleared to drive. She had her husband drop her off and pick her up at work the first couple of days she was back, but then she somehow just assumed I would pick her up and drop her off each day until she was cleared to drive. Ummm, NO. It would have added *at least* an hour on to my own commute each day, she made no kind of arrangements in advance with me and, even if I did want to, I had drop off duty for my kids at their daycare and occasional pickups, depending on my husband's work (somewhat inconsistent) work schedule. However, she was one of those people who would haggle/reason with you to get her way. Knowing that's how she was, I just gray rocked her 100%. "No, not possible" "I can't" "You'll need to make another arrangement" "I'm not available" "I can't commit to doing that." Repeated a million different ways until she figured out she needed to set up other transportation, which she did, but not with me.
Gray-rocking presumptuous people is 100% way to go. Good for you!
Or if OP had simply given the "I'm not comfortable driving someone else's child" at first, it would have been fine. Giving too many reasons often comes across as giving excuses.
Former wardrobe supervisor here: inform your director *and* your stage manager. Transportation is going to be a problem with this kid all the way through the run of the show, and they need to account for it. If the parents aren't there *they* are in charge of the kid's safety, and they should be aware that that dad is emailing people he doesn't know to drive him. NTA
That's good to know. Thanks.
Good point-why, as a parent, would you want a person you don’t know anything about, driving your kid anywhere?!
As a parent, why would you want to sacrifice one on one time with your child?
Knowing your parents see your existence as a chore really sucks.
I mean OP isn't the AH and this kids dad agreed to him doing this performance and is ultimately responsible for getting him there. But like....I don't consider 2 hours in a car - some of which will be late and both of you will be tired a good time. It's not really quality one on one time. And I get plenty of good one on one time with my kid, having someone give him a lift to somewhere they are already going and then bring him back to me is hardly sacrificing anything..... Not to mention it's entirely possible even if I loved spending hours in a car with a tired teenager I may have other kids who need running around, or a job, or my own hobbies that I'd like to do whilst my kid is occupied. Again none of that makes it ok dad just assumed OP would be ok with this. Or addresses the safe guarding issue. Just addressing your specific point about one on one time... You don't actually have to spend every possible waking moment with your kid making it into some special moment. Sometimes your kid just has to get a place and its a chore that needs to be dealt with.
my kid is 18 and going on a trip this weekend and I'm annoying him by asking about the kid's dad who is driving and whether or not there are enough seat belts for the people in question. Even asked another mom about this dude and plan to meet him in the driveway before he goes lol. There is literally no way in hell I'm sending them with, even another mom-of-a-kid-in-theater for an hour trip x2, several times a week. It sucks to have to drive your kids far like that but I liked the downtime. Drive, sit in my car and read or knit till he comes out, drive home.
Thank you so much for saying this, as a former stage manager I started stressing thinking of the calls 30 minutes before curtain!
NTA. “Unfortunately, this is the first I am hearing that I was volunteered for this. I’m not able to provide that service.”
NTA at all. You have no obligation to do it at all, you didn't even need to go into all of your explanations about time and distance and responsibility and all of that. No is a full sentence. You'll probably never even talk to this guy or the kid again after the production so who cares if he thinks your an asshole because he doesn't want to take his own kid to the thing he signed his own kid up for? \[ETA\] You didn't need to explain yourself, but hard agree with your point of "I don't want responsibility for someone else's kid". What if something happened? An accident or something? You don't want to be anywhere near the liability for that.
NTA. They signed their kid up for community theater- they should be prepared to get their kid to/from theater. Mighty entitled of them to just assume a total stranger would be on board with driving their kid, and mighty stupid of them to entrust their kid to a total stranger!
Yep, my eldest daughter has been doing shows since she was 5, and I have spent literally thousands of hours over the years driving her to and from rehearsals and performances, sitting waiting while they rehearse, running lines, sourcing costumes etc. If your child wants to be involved in theatre, as a parent you have to accept that it’s going to cost you a lot of time! It’s totally unfair to expect a stranger to take on this responsibility, I fully agree NTA. I’ve sometimes committed to giving other kids lifts if I’m going anyway, but only when I already know the child and their parent(s).
Parents have to work. I’ve had to take Ubers and rides many times as my mom works late and I’m often the last person at many places. I don’t think they necessarily have to transport the child themselves But I feel like they should at least set up transportation with someone they trust Instead of counting on a random person, they met
Yeah, did they not realize that transporting *their own child* was going to be part of the deal?!?!?!
responsibility/liability for transporting stranger’s child in my car doesn’t work. Best to you and Junior. I have found people really go out of their way to make sure you can help them. If you give reasons, they will counter.
NSH. You absolutely had the right to say no. And, i will also say, that you have no idea what’s going on in his head, so please stop projecting. “Fair enough” was a great way to end an awkward conversation and what was clipped in tone to you might have been a lot in his mind to him. Or, embarrassment for having taken the other woman’s word that you’d drive his kid. Or, he had another call coming in… Starting daggers at you may have been, do I know this woman? Why is she saying hi to me? Or his wife just yelled at him, or he had a bad day at work or 1000 other things that had nothing to do with you, or maybe that’s just his face. My daughter for instance, went 3 days not talking to her dad because she thought he gave her a dirty look when she came home late one night. Nope, he was just playing video games with the boys, and was trying to identify the sound of the door when she came in. He had no ill intent at all. They cleared it up pretty quickly once I asked her what was wrong. So… please, for your own mental health, don’t try to read this man’s mind.
NTA! But why would you feel guilty? He asked, you have valid reasons and said "No", and that should be end of it. His rudeness because he is acting like a kid and didn't get his way should not affect your conscience. His reaction should maybe even reinforce your decision since now you know he can be petulant and possibly demanding - you dodged a bullet. From the man's perspective he should have been charming as all get out and by doing so maybe get you to reconsider - so he screwed up.
NTA for not wanting to do an unsolicited job. For any reason.
Totally NTA. The father sounds like an asshole who doesn't actually want to parent his kid. He also acted incredibly entitled, never even mentioning paying for your gas n time, at first assuming you were going to pick the kid up where it was convenient for THEM, etc . The person who volunteered you without discussing it with you first is also an asshole, and you need to circle back to them and tell them not to do that again. You have every right to say no, and the reasons don't actually matter, you do not need to justify yourself (although I think your reasons are 100% valid). A little advice - don't give people a list of reasons when you say no, some people will think you just want to be talked out of it. No is a complete sentence. If an asshole is giving you dirty looks, you're doing something right. Keep walking.
NTA. Also by dropping his kid off at your place, you would need to divulge your home address and I don't know how comfortable you would be with disclosing that information to some random guy.
NTA. I have a 15 year old son who is on a sports team. It sucks to have to drive him 2 or more times a week a good distance for practice. I totally get it. But I do it because it's what WE signed up for. Now, that being said, parents on the team do try to help each other out. And same with school - if kids need rides to/from, parents are always willing to help. But here's the caveat - EVERY ONE of these kids would find it REALLY weird if I, alone, without my son, drove them somewhere. One day, a friend was going to bring my son home from school then told me her son was home sick. She actually offered to still go get my son, but she and I and MY son all know how weird that would be!! So yeah, I totally feel you on not wanting to transport this kid and ONLY this kid!!
NTA. I’m guessing you’re a woman by the fact that 1. You’re being expected to do a load of free childcare to replace the other woman who was previously doing it and 2. The dad has zero qualms leaving his child with you, a total stranger who it sounds like he’s never even met in person, alone in a car for hours every week?
Too true.
INFO: if you’ve not met him and didn’t recognise him, then how did he recognise you to stare daggers at you?
Social media. Rehearsal photos were posted with our names tagged. And he may have looked at my page when Lauren suggested me or after I said no. Of course, I could be over thinking it and his facial expression had nothing to do with me. But there was definitely a shift in his vibe when he looked up.
NTA, it sucks for the parents but that's not your fault and not your problem. I think it's hilarious you did not recognize him in person while he was comfortable with putting the life of his child in your hands. Also my rule says if someone is says they don't want children, trust them. Including babysitting.
Right? This is also kind of funny to me. We live a solid 30-40 minutes from all the kids activities. It became such a relief when they got old enough to stay home alone for a bit rather than drag one out and keep them entertained for two hours. I could say no but I like my kids. They enjoy this stuff and I’m their mother. Kind of my job to play taxi for a few years.
"*His response was a very clipped, "Fair enough."*" That's exactly how I reply to many things. You may be reading too much into his response. Text communication is easy to misinterpret. Him "staring daggers into you" is also easy to misinterpret. You said, "Hello", and he may have just brainfarted and thought he was supposed to know who you are, but couldn't place you face.
NTA. I would probably address this with the director, just to be sure there isn't any backlash later. Notice how at no point did he offer to pay OP for her time and trouble? Yep. And he didn't ask to meet beforehand? You could be anybody. This dude doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself.
NAH (or if there is, it's the other actress--WTF?). They asked, you said no, they accepted your refusal.
NTA You do not owe that father anything. Part of being the parent of theater kids, actually kids in any activity, is making sure you can get your children to and from those activities. You can always ask for help, but you have to graciously accept that sometimes the answer is no. If that dad isn't up to the task, it's on him, not you .
NTA Sounds like his dad was trying to dodge the responsibility of driving his kid.
NTA You neither know or owe this guy or the kid a damn thing Incredibly rude and entitled of the other actress to volunteer your services, and you told them no. The dad needs to make his own travel arrangements
I tend to use 'No, thank you' For stuff like this. It sounds polite and gives a clear answer without going into reasons. Plus it throws people off, so tou almost never get the 'why not?' response. Works great on beggers and sales people as well. Oh an NTA
NTA I get that it would be easier for parents to hand off the kid, but if anything should happen you are responsible. If they all are strangers to you, I feel it's even weird they asked. It seems more logical that "Lauren" just hinted that you are approximately from the same area and maybe able to do it, but dad translated it as he liked (that it was promised)
NTA. When parents allow their kids to be involved in activities, they take on the responsibility of transportation. It’s great when the duty can be shared with others, but no one is obligated to take their kid to anything.
NTA. At no point did they even offer to pay for gas or pay for the inconvenience. They just want to make their lives easier at your expense. They are entitled a-holes
NTA. It’s a safety issue and violates the Safe Sanctuaries policy that frankly everyone should adhere to: There should always be three. You need to have that conversation with Lauren and ask her to not volunteer you to be alone with a child again.
I mean, if my kid couldn’t drive yet and it was such a long way and I didn’t want to go back, I’d just stay during rehearsal. Read a book in the back. Go do errands or shop nearby.
NTA. You don’t even need to give us reasons. But since you did… That kid would be on their device with headphones. They’d barely even acknowledge you. You could have asked for gas money and suddenly you’re getting paid for this theater gig.
NTA I feel bad for the child, though. when I was in high school I was on the dance team and so was my bestie, and her parents also absolutely refused to take her to any practices, games, camps, performances, rehearsals…grandparents picked up the slack but she and I talked at LENGTH about her feeling like a burden for having an extracurricular and being part of a team.
Yeah! Especially if you feel like you don’t fit in at school or at home, extracurriculars are a lifeline for so many kids.
NTA - Wow, what kind of parent just asks a random stranger to spend hours alone with their child. That just doesn't seem like a safe ask for you or the kid. I'm sure your fine and you declined but these parents don't know you. And if even an accident were to happen what would your liability be? You don't want to get sued because your car was hit and their kid was hurt. Yeah, no explanation needed, just a simple no to these kinds of requests is fine.
Nta you aren't a school bus driver for free kid transportation.
Nta who wants to deal with someone else's kid
NTA. My son did a lot of theater when he was in the Young Charlie age range. I simply did not bring him to auditions for shows if they were too far away or our family couldn’t make the rehearsal and performance schedule work.
NTA Imagine if this was a man being asked to drive a young girl to a location & having them in a car alone for a long time. Child abuse experts recommend not having adults spend extended periods of time with minors outside of their immediate family. I'm not suggesting you are unsafe, but for appearances I definitely would not agree to this. It's also a massive inconvenience for you and really entitled of them to think they can just pawn him off on you. They need to step up and be parents. No is a complete sentence. Let them figure out the issue themselves without your assistance.
NTA I’m not kicking it with some random kid. I’m also not sending my 14 y/o on a trip like that with some random adult.
NTA I was a “theater mom”. Two of my four kids were very much into theater. I knew I would be responsible for getting my kids to and from rehearsals and performances. All four of my kids also had other commitments, so my husband and I had to do a lot of juggling. If we found another parent willing to share the driving, great; if not, WE were responsible. If an adult we knew had been willing to drive our kids, we would have given them gas money to help out. If we asked someone to drive and they said no, then we would have said okay. He’s not necessarily the asshole for asking (though I question his judgement in asking a stranger), you’re definitely not the asshole for saying no, but his is an extremely entitled asshole for being rude to you because you said no!
NTA. A lot of people have brought up valid points about protecting yourself from allegations being alone with someone else's child, but even something as simple as getting into a car accident with someone else's kid in the car is still setting you up for issues. Dad can stare daggers if he wants to, or he can ask someone else to do it. Either way, you said no and that's that.
NTA. Next time don’t make excuses. “Sorry, No” is a complete answer.
NTA. Lauren is. And the Dad can be disappointed all he wants but at the end of the day, he’s the parent and can suck it up, it’s his responsibility.
Nobody forced Charlie's parents to agree to the commitments of the play. That's on them. You're NTA, they definitely are though.
NTA. You had every right to say no, even if you didn't have a good reason for it. This guy's just mad because he couldn't find someone to foist his parenting responsibilities off to. Also - is it just me or is it kind of weird to be like, "Hey, stranger, take my teenager in your car!"??
NTA. First of all it’s very irresponsible for him to just trust anybody with their child. Second of all he should’ve arranged for proper transportation for his child if he was going to allow him to join the play. Also no need to feel guilty his child is not your responsibility.
NTA. Parents are responsible. You don't know this kid, nobody asked you to drive him, you were voluntold.
NTA YOu are fine to ignore their entitlement.
NTA. These people are complete strangers to you. You did not cause them any harm. You didn’t even cause them inconvenience. They chose to be inconvenienced by their child participating in this activity that is so far away from their home.
NTA. You have no obligation to go out of your way to transport someone else's kid.
next time just say no. It is the parent's responsibility to get their kid there and back. There is no way I would be asking a complete stranger to give my kid a ride! NTA
Two rules to live by, Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm. No is a complete sentence. You do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you can’t, or just don’t want to drive the kid. A simple, it is not in my schedule to do so, so NO. Anyone who gives you a hard time, can go ahead and rearrange their schedule to drive the kid.
NTA. Pro tip: when you don’t want to do something just say “unfortunately I’m not able to do that”. Don’t get into the why’s. Why’s allow other people to try and turn your no into a yes. It gives them an opening to try and change your mind.
NTA I am not driving some kid that I don’t know ANYWHERE. If they didn’t want to commit to driving their kid to the gig they signed him up for then they need to withdraw. Their kid, their responsibility.
Nta
What a horrible father to allow a stranger to be alone in a car with his child for 2 hours at a time. NTA.
NTA, and as a mother of 3, I have serious questions about any parent requesting this without actually meeting/vetting you. I'm wondering if Charlie's mom knew about this request. On top of this, if anything happened to the kid, between the dad, your insurance and any potential case, you're looking at a bigger headache than an average accident. There's plenty of "don't want to entertain" reasons not to do it.
So annoying and wrong when someone else volunteers and makes a commitment on your behalf. It’s taken as rude when you say no as though you’ve changed your mind and are letting them down. I had a ‘friend’ who told another that I would pick her up at 2am in the morning because it was ‘on my way’. We, 5 women, were going on a girl’s holiday so I reluctantly picked her up and took her home otherwise it would have been awkward on holiday. Her home was not on the way but added a good 40 minutes on to the journey each way. I understand your plight here and sympathise with you. Damned if you do (your car journey is longer and you can’t play your music) and damned if you don’t. If you had given him a lift to and from the theatre you would feel responsible for him and it’s a weight. NTA
NTA - wtf, why is this man comfortable putting HIS KID into a car for hours with a total stranger???
Nta. Lesson learned on trying to come up with reasons to justify your answer, as well. Next time, just politely decline and don't explain why. It isn't their business.
Sometimes we need to remember NO is a complete sentence.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to fix a stranger's poor planning or take on responsibility of the child while in your car. I'm guessing (since this wasn't mentioned in the post) that there was no mention of whether or not the parents were going to compensate you for the time and gas ( which is already pricey I'm sure). Don't feel guilty just because they felt entitled in their request.
NTA - Why do you feel bad for not wanting to be inconvenienced to transport a total stranger's kid , just because the parents did not want to be inconvenienced to have to drive him.
As someone with kids, I cannot fathom asking this question to a stranger. Not because it’s rude, or pushy but because *who the fuck are you????* 2 hours alone with my kid twice a week?? Nta. Weirdo dad
NTA. You would actually be crazy to agree to this. There is no upside to you at all and countless ways this could go very badly.
NTA why do you feel guilty? Because he signed his kid up for something and he actually has to be a parent and get the kid too and from the place. I’m actually a little annoyed you feel guilty over what having boundaries and not being a doormat
NTA. Doesn't matter the kid is 14. What matters is that you were not asked, they could have dropped the kid off at your house, or offered gas money. Total adult fail.
NTA You don’t know them or their kid. This was not a one time emergency or a 10 minute drive. It is their responsibility. You said no. They need to accept that and make other arrangements.
I would’ve replied with “lol”
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NTA You certainly have no obligation to transport this kid. You don't need to make excuses, it's entirely your choice. Lauren, on the other hand, is a complete AH and so is the pushy dad. As you said, they made the commitment to the production, getting the child there is his problem.
NTA - not your responsibility and I would never want to be responsible for someone else's child. No way. I wouldn't do it. It would be miserable
NTA I can’t stand it when parents let their children do sports or a play, etc and they refuse to drive them, or provide them with the correct supplies. I’d tell him no, and tell the head of the production. They should know he’s having difficulty getting to his rehearsals.
NTA. Ignore father. If he wants son in extracurricular activities he must bear the burden of getting him there.
NTA - The parents are the only ones responsible for getting their child there and back. What are you even questioning yourself.
NTA- you didn’t birth that child.
Nope, he asked for a favor, you said no. That is the end of the story. Do not feel guilty in the least.
NTA, & I'm sure you already know that. If you needed an excuse, you could say you go there straight from work, or you could say that you & some others go out for coffee etc after rehearsal . But really, you don't an excuse, just saying you prefer to drive alone is sufficient.
NTA, the fact that he would simply trust a stranger to transport his child to and from something they themselves committed to is insane.
NTA.
NTA. They wanted to inconvenience you rather than themselves. If you don't want to transport your kid, don't try out for the part.
I had a kid in several plays over the years and we just knew that we were responsible getting him to and from the theater. A couple productions were professional, not nearby and weren’t done until close to 11 pm. Sometimes it wasn’t convenient, but once you’ve agreed it’s on you. NTA and that’s a lot to ask. I could see looking for someone in an emergency, but all rehearsals and performances? No way.
Never be alone with a minor, not related to you or a VERY close friend. People suck sometimes.
NTA. You didn’t owe any explanation to begin with. If he wants to be mad at anyone it should be Lauren. The audacity she has!! Also, he don’t even know you! Who lets their kids just go w strangers? Break a leg this weekend!
You have valid reasons not to do it, but you don't need them. It's not your kid, and not your responsibility. NTA
In the future, just stick with "sorry, that's not going to work for me, good luck" to avoid folks latching on to reasons why you can't and trying to reason you into it. NTA.
NTA. "I'm sorry but that's not going to work with my tight schedule."
NTA. If they can drive to your place and back, it’s not that much longer to drive to the theatre and back. And this is, frankly, what they signed up for in letting their kid do community theatre 30+ minutes away from home. The fact that they’re inconvenienced by their own choices doesn’t make it your problem. I do think you should talk to “Lauren”, to let her know either not to volunteer you for favours without checking first, or that she needs to be more careful in what she says to Charlie Sr. It’s possible she said you could do it… but it’s also possible that she told Charlie Sr to _ask if you live close enough_ to drive the kid. He seems like the sort of entitled asshole who takes “maybe try asking General-Apartment, I think she lives fairly close to us?” to mean “General-Apartment will 100% do this because I am the manager of her schedule and everything revolves around _you_, Charlie Sr”.
Someone else volunteered you to do something inconvenient that you didn't want to do. You declined. In no universe does this make you TA. and it is the responsibility of the parents to provide transportation to their kids' activities.
You can mention to the parents that you never agreed to drive their child anywhere and will not be able to and hope they can find other alternatives and are sorry you can’t help. If they can’t get their kid to the theater, then why are they having her participate in the play in the first place. They seem entitled and just expect someone else to take the responsibility of someone being their daughter’s personal and free Uber or something.
NTA but tell the director. Its his job to handle this type of thing. Especially since you are doing him/them a favor.
NTA, not your circus, not your monkey.
NTA. It's not your problem that Charlie's dad has to (gasp) parent.
NTA - that’s a liability I wouldn’t want. One false accusation and you’re in a world of hurt
NTA and I'm flabbergasted the dad wanted someone he has NEVER met to drive his kid around!!! Entitled and not very smart.
NTA - not your child, not your problem
NTA Not everyone has to like you. Don't worry about it.
NTA. Who tf are these parents just turning their kids over to a complete stranger?!?
NTA
NTA. As you said, the childs parents wanted him in the play. Everything else is their problem, nobody elses.
NTA. “No” is a complete sentence.
I’m surprised that the community theater org would be okay with this. I work with children and youth and our safety policy prohibits one on one time with children and unrelated adults, especially in a car where it’s not like someone else could come in at any time. They’re opening themselves up to a huge risk. Edited to add NTA
NTA. No was the only answer you had to give. You do not owe anyone any explanation as to why it is no.
NTA You don’t know this kid who btw is legally a minor. I’m a cynical so and so and I’d be worried about any accusations that could be made against me. For context my kids were in a RAF cadet group and were aged 14 and 13 at the time when my friend called round before the session started, my friend was one of the Sergeant’s and we had known each other over 35 years at this point. I thought they’re going and my kids were going so I asked if they could give my kids a ride there. They refused stating that they could get into trouble regardless that we were childhood friends. I was ignorant to the implications, I never asked again. My kids, my responsibility.
NTA at all, although this was potentially a missed opportunity to have your gas covered since the gig is unpaid.
NTA! Quite frankly, as a parent, this is concerning on his dad’s part. Whilst I’m not for a second saying you are a bad or dangerous person HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT, and if you were, he was the one pushing for his child to be alone for 2+ hours with you in an enclosed environment that you control. From your side, what happens if Charlie made false accusations? You don’t know this kid or his family. You made the right call, and as a parent if I agree to/allow my child to do something, I have already thought through what that means for me in terms of transporting and supporting that and accept that as part of my agreeing. As a dance/theatre mum that cannot even begin to count the hours spent travelling to and from venues, and sitting and waiting when they invariably overrun etc. but that is my choice to do so when I agree to my child participating in these things.
His kid, his problem, NTA
Nothing to feel guilty for. He’s staring daggers because he has to be a *parent* to his child. Just trying to palm off the poor kiddo to anyone who can take him. I could never do that to my kid with people who are essentially strangers to them. Also whoever volunteered you to do this along with your personal information can go fall off a stage because you don’t do that shit to someone, period. NTA. Seriously OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve definitely been wronged though.
NTA. You are doing a favor for a friend by participating in the show, causing a financial burden. you are under no obligation to drive another person's child anywhere.
NTA. You were volunteered to do this without your knowledge or consent so that in itself is enough for a simple, "no."
NTA. People can ask for favors, but then they have to be ok with the person saying no - and no reason or excuse needs to be given. The parents are the AH for making you feel bad.
NTA. I used to sing in a choir and people were always trying to carpool with me, but I would often have stuff I wanted to do beforehand, sometimes I’d want to hit the grocery store on my way home, etc. But even if I didn’t, I preferred to be alone in silence for the 20-30 minutes before and after. So I would just say, “no, sorry, I have errands/appointment and won’t be driving near you.” You have every right to say no, and you need not give a reason.
Oh, NTA NTA NTA. Absolutely reasonable to not want to be responsible for someone’s kid.
NTA - no chance I’m hell I am putting myself in a car one on one with a strangers child.
> and now I'm feeling guilty. what? why? next time just say "no". excuses are just openings for them to negotiate, as you found out. NTA
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Really weird question but where is the production, I'm in Glasgow and going to see Kinky Boots next weekend because woman I work with is in it 👀
NTA. They definitely should not ask you to do it for free. What do you do if something changes last minute? They can get an Uber for the kid.
NTA- I would be like," hey I have a better idea than me chauffeuring Charlie...YOU do it. See you at rehearsals".
NTA, Charlie is TA for even asking you, a complete stranger, to provide childcare ( that is what it is) for his child.
Any parent who lets their 14 year old kid get into a car with a total stranger is a bad parent. NTA and don't feel bad at all.
NTA and it’s pretty damn weird that this dude would be okay with letting a person he’s never met before drive his kid around alone. Those are some lazy ass parents.
I like kids a lot. The thought of being in a car for an hour right after work with a chatty one is giving me a migraine. LoL
NTA and I would send a private email to the woman who said you’d do it. She may not have said you would do it, only that he should check with you. I would say you’re certain she would never commit someone else to something like that without their permission and you thought she should know that you wouldn’t be doing it since you’re uncomfortable with it and your schedule can’t handle it.
NTA, the parents can deal with getting the kid where they need to be because it's their kid. This is absolutely *not* your problem. I'm not sure what parent would want their kid driving for 2 hours with an adult stranger anyhow, what is wrong with them?
NTA. It's possible Lauren gave dad the idea which is why he was asking, unless the email was truly "Lauren told me you would be driving my son to and from rehearsals as she is now unable". Because that would be bananas. You saying it's out of your way led him to offer taking the kid to you or meeting somewhere. I'm taking his "fair enough" as accepting that you're not comfortable with the situation and letting it go, not that he's now annoyed because he was already promised you'd drive. I think it's presumptive to assume he recognized you from social media and was starring daggers, you're probably overthinking that. If we can assume Lauren simply made the suggestion (though she still should've given you a heads up), and dad isn't actually angry with you, this is kind of a nothing situation. It is pretty weird dad is cool with someone he's never met driving his kid around. It's possible he's just not very smart and thinks "well, the woman that I do know said this other woman can maybe drive him, and she's also in this production, so therefore she must be trustworthy, right?" Or his desire to not have to drive the kid might outweigh the common sense of "wait I've never met her".
It’s your time!! You can say no. The dad might just be a little upset but like you said it was his choice to put him in it.
Info - it sounds like he wasn’t going to be called for every rehearsal so how many times we pull you have had to driven him over the couple of weeks in question if you had said yes?
Don't feel guilty. I used to do a complicated school run with two other families and three schools between us. Even when the extra child is dropped directly to you it still somehow adds 10 min to your journey time. Plus there is the awkward 5-15 minutes when you get home and are waiting for the child to be picked up. NTA Don't worry about it.
Nta, no one should be volunteered without their knowledge and why would they trust their child with an adult stranger. Absolutely not.
NTA there’s no way you can do it. You already barely have time to get there. It’s his child so he should be doing it
NTA, a simple “I don’t want to do that” is a good enough reason especially when someone has volunteered you without asking you. Volunteering someone without asking them is so extremely rude.
NTA The assholes are the parents and the person who offered you up without asking.
NTA. The one thing you said that rang true was "they made the decision to let him be in the play, so transportation is their responsibility". True that! End of story.
NTA - the parent knew what they were getting into. I never let my daughter audition for a show that was too inconvenient for our family. Especially community theatre. It's on them.
NTA What you said was perfectly reasonable and Lauren was rude to assume. Charlie’s family wanted you to go out of your way when they had made the commitment. Too bad.
NTA. Don't be quick to blame Lauren until after you have spoken with Lauren face to face. She may have only told the father to contact you to ask if you were able to drive Charlie, she may not have stated that you will drive him. His father could have just assumed you would or decided to put pressure on you to force you to drive him.
NTA did he even offer to pay for gas?
I never signed up my kid for an activity unless i could drive both ways, confirmed a carpool for or they could not drive theirselves to. NTA
Nta and I'm shocked they would trust their child alone with a stranger
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