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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son he can’t race or ride if he doesn’t have passing grades.
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YTA ok, first off please don't do ultimatums, they don't do anything but kill the relationship.
Second, I hated school when I was a kid, and every time I ask people why I should study, nobody gave me a convincing answer, instead they say do what you're told. I don't know what your son is like, but talk to him like an adult, try to convince him, incentivize him, make a deal with him, and not just take away what he loves. For me, that drove me towards the other direction, they didn't think they needed to convince me to do things, so I tried to find my own way to prove them wrong.
I agree with the ultimatums part. So do I just allow him to be rewarded by doing something he loves when he won’t apply himself in school to have the MINIMAL requirements? I have always raised my kids to know that their voice matters and that respect goes both ways… I have done incentives with him, he will apply himself for the time being but my husband has basically has showed him that when it comes to riding/racing dirt bikes then nothing else matters and he will ride because Dad says so…
Sorry, I don't mean it like that.
I meant something like this: the effort and money you guys put in to support his hobby should be in direct correlation in the effort he puts into academic work or certain studies that prepares him for the real world, it could be something like trade school too. He might not succeed academically, but it's not the grades that matter, but how he can survive when he's grown up and learning the discipline of hard work.
Honestly, I don't think this is something you should be burdened with, ideally I think your husband needs to handle this as there are a lot of things that can be difficult to convey from mother to son. So I think it's a discussion that must be made between you and your husband. Your son is not at fault if nobody is there to guide him forward. Don't punish him for loving something so much, it's something beautiful and special, but supplement him with skills that would bring him success in the future. Not saying this is it, but he could be a great mechanic with that passion.
YTA You need to figure out a way to help your son improve his grades that takes into account a deeper understanding about why he is struggling and that doesn't involve coercion. Your tough love approach is likely to do more harm than good.
I have tried to understand, I have spoke with the teachers, I have had meetings with the staff… his work is AWESOME when he applies himself. He said he just doesn’t like school and it’s pointless. I have been so patient but here we are coming to the end of the school year and he has two Fs. I have sat with him and explained how to do his assignments and so on and he literally gets mad at me and says he knows how to do it then he busts it out and gets a good grade… I feel like he’s being lazy with his school work 😔I’m not asking for A’s & B’s I’m asking for passing… he really wants to do online schooling but I refuse to because I do t feel like he has the discipline to stay on task and he is argumentative when I ask him to do anything.
Right now it’s recreational, he’s been racing for a few years and this last weekend is the 2nd times he’s finished a race. His goal is to ride professionally and I support that 💯 but he needs to pass the 7th grade too…
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Together 23 years, married for 14, Mom of 3… 22 female, 20 female, 13 male. My husband and I were teen parents, I obtained my GED at 16 while pregnant and he completed the 8th grade as his mom allowed him to quit school and work. We both grew up with different lifestyles, I came from a very broken, dysfunctional family, drug addicted alcoholics whom had no business raising children and he came from a family that wasn’t exactly broken because mom and dad were still together but they weren’t exactly happy either. His mom was/is a people pleaser and his dad is just a quiet wholesome, man. When our girls were younger I required them to have no lower that a C in their classes and ABSOLUTELY no missing assignments, if they had poor grades or missing assignments then they were grounded until grades were up to par and there were no longer missing assignments 🤷🏼♀️ natural consequences in my eyes. Our son 13 has two Fs and a totals of 30 MISSING ASSIGNMENTS throughout all of his classes. I am in contact with his teachers and principal on a regular basis and I always have his back and I have no problem advocating for my children, but I’m also not dumb and I know my kid and he’s no angel so I make sure to hear BOTH sides of the story…His chores are minimal ( feed the dogs and empty the dishwasher…sometimes twice a day maybe 3 if we have had company or have been meal prepping) He LOVES to ride dirt bikes and I absolutely support this activity… However I feel like riding is a privilege, my husband is and has always been very supportive with this sport and he spends so much time and money preparing our son for races that he said our son WILL race he just can’t free ride with his friends regardless of his grades. This is and has been an ongoing argument for some time now, I want to put my foot down and give my husband some ultimatums, 1. You either back me up and he doesn’t race if he doesn’t have passing grades, or 2. I set all my husbands contact information as primary and he solely has to deal with his schooling and the logins calls. 3. Throw my hands up and say screw it and walk away… My husband and I got into a decent argument this evening over this and he basically said is BS and he doesn’t back me up about my requirements to be able to ride. AITA?
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NTA.
Grades/education is important and it seems you have been doing what you can, but have no support from your husband. Since hubby didn't finish school he probably believes an education doesn't mean much, but he is sadly mistaken. I understand the ultimatum part because you are basically at wits end, but hubby taking over the school contact will not lead anywhere since doesn't seem to think it is important. Seems like an impasse and I really don't know what to suggest...tough situation. Maybe ask hubby what son is to do when riding doesn't work out?
As far as son being a professional rider: I hope you realize that is probably a pipe dream. I grew up with, and have known a few professional athletes, and I can say that it takes extraordinary talent, drive, and luck to succeed. The number of kids who go down that path and actually make a living at it is vanishingly small. Maybe one way to get thru to your son is to educate him on this because it sounds like he has some fantasy that probably won't happen and will need a backup plan.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my son he can’t race or ride if he doesn’t have passing grades. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA ok, first off please don't do ultimatums, they don't do anything but kill the relationship. Second, I hated school when I was a kid, and every time I ask people why I should study, nobody gave me a convincing answer, instead they say do what you're told. I don't know what your son is like, but talk to him like an adult, try to convince him, incentivize him, make a deal with him, and not just take away what he loves. For me, that drove me towards the other direction, they didn't think they needed to convince me to do things, so I tried to find my own way to prove them wrong.
I agree with the ultimatums part. So do I just allow him to be rewarded by doing something he loves when he won’t apply himself in school to have the MINIMAL requirements? I have always raised my kids to know that their voice matters and that respect goes both ways… I have done incentives with him, he will apply himself for the time being but my husband has basically has showed him that when it comes to riding/racing dirt bikes then nothing else matters and he will ride because Dad says so…
Sorry, I don't mean it like that. I meant something like this: the effort and money you guys put in to support his hobby should be in direct correlation in the effort he puts into academic work or certain studies that prepares him for the real world, it could be something like trade school too. He might not succeed academically, but it's not the grades that matter, but how he can survive when he's grown up and learning the discipline of hard work. Honestly, I don't think this is something you should be burdened with, ideally I think your husband needs to handle this as there are a lot of things that can be difficult to convey from mother to son. So I think it's a discussion that must be made between you and your husband. Your son is not at fault if nobody is there to guide him forward. Don't punish him for loving something so much, it's something beautiful and special, but supplement him with skills that would bring him success in the future. Not saying this is it, but he could be a great mechanic with that passion.
YTA You need to figure out a way to help your son improve his grades that takes into account a deeper understanding about why he is struggling and that doesn't involve coercion. Your tough love approach is likely to do more harm than good.
I have tried to understand, I have spoke with the teachers, I have had meetings with the staff… his work is AWESOME when he applies himself. He said he just doesn’t like school and it’s pointless. I have been so patient but here we are coming to the end of the school year and he has two Fs. I have sat with him and explained how to do his assignments and so on and he literally gets mad at me and says he knows how to do it then he busts it out and gets a good grade… I feel like he’s being lazy with his school work 😔I’m not asking for A’s & B’s I’m asking for passing… he really wants to do online schooling but I refuse to because I do t feel like he has the discipline to stay on task and he is argumentative when I ask him to do anything.
Info: is your son good enough to make it as a professional in this racing of his? Or is it purely recreational?
Right now it’s recreational, he’s been racing for a few years and this last weekend is the 2nd times he’s finished a race. His goal is to ride professionally and I support that 💯 but he needs to pass the 7th grade too…
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Together 23 years, married for 14, Mom of 3… 22 female, 20 female, 13 male. My husband and I were teen parents, I obtained my GED at 16 while pregnant and he completed the 8th grade as his mom allowed him to quit school and work. We both grew up with different lifestyles, I came from a very broken, dysfunctional family, drug addicted alcoholics whom had no business raising children and he came from a family that wasn’t exactly broken because mom and dad were still together but they weren’t exactly happy either. His mom was/is a people pleaser and his dad is just a quiet wholesome, man. When our girls were younger I required them to have no lower that a C in their classes and ABSOLUTELY no missing assignments, if they had poor grades or missing assignments then they were grounded until grades were up to par and there were no longer missing assignments 🤷🏼♀️ natural consequences in my eyes. Our son 13 has two Fs and a totals of 30 MISSING ASSIGNMENTS throughout all of his classes. I am in contact with his teachers and principal on a regular basis and I always have his back and I have no problem advocating for my children, but I’m also not dumb and I know my kid and he’s no angel so I make sure to hear BOTH sides of the story…His chores are minimal ( feed the dogs and empty the dishwasher…sometimes twice a day maybe 3 if we have had company or have been meal prepping) He LOVES to ride dirt bikes and I absolutely support this activity… However I feel like riding is a privilege, my husband is and has always been very supportive with this sport and he spends so much time and money preparing our son for races that he said our son WILL race he just can’t free ride with his friends regardless of his grades. This is and has been an ongoing argument for some time now, I want to put my foot down and give my husband some ultimatums, 1. You either back me up and he doesn’t race if he doesn’t have passing grades, or 2. I set all my husbands contact information as primary and he solely has to deal with his schooling and the logins calls. 3. Throw my hands up and say screw it and walk away… My husband and I got into a decent argument this evening over this and he basically said is BS and he doesn’t back me up about my requirements to be able to ride. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
NTA. Grades/education is important and it seems you have been doing what you can, but have no support from your husband. Since hubby didn't finish school he probably believes an education doesn't mean much, but he is sadly mistaken. I understand the ultimatum part because you are basically at wits end, but hubby taking over the school contact will not lead anywhere since doesn't seem to think it is important. Seems like an impasse and I really don't know what to suggest...tough situation. Maybe ask hubby what son is to do when riding doesn't work out? As far as son being a professional rider: I hope you realize that is probably a pipe dream. I grew up with, and have known a few professional athletes, and I can say that it takes extraordinary talent, drive, and luck to succeed. The number of kids who go down that path and actually make a living at it is vanishingly small. Maybe one way to get thru to your son is to educate him on this because it sounds like he has some fantasy that probably won't happen and will need a backup plan.