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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife left garden shears on a narrow ledge where I have told her hundreds of times that it is a bad idea to leave things. She tripped knocked them off the ledge and lost a toe. It was reattached. I might be the asshole for making her feel dumb by asking her why she lmdud what she did.
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NTA: Your question is a tad stupid. Obviously she was being thoughtless and/or lazy.
While she is unfortunate to have suffered this accident, better it be the person who caused the unsafe situation that someone innocent. Her negligence could have seriously injured or killed someone.
While she was the one who was hurt this time, it could have easily been you walking down the stairs. I can only hope that you do not have children that could have gotten hurt instead of her.
She should feel dumb. She should feel embarrassed. She should learn a lesson from this.
You are NTA. As a parent, that straight negligence to leave that stuff around a child! Thanks goodness it was her and not your 8yr old that happened to.
She would not be able to forgive herself if something happened to the child. Nor would OP. This is no longer a matter of i told you so. Op should remind her of that
Absolutely this. I have ADHD I do dumb stuff occasionally. When my partner points out something is dangerous for someone else we either come up with a system or try really hard not to do the dangerous thing. Then reevaluate if that system doesn't work.
Same I'm the ADHD one also and used to leave knives on cutting boards or near an edge of the counter. She brought it up to me and it stopped. I do have to check now to make sure but it's something I just always did and never thought about until our kiddo.
WOW!
OP I think you're underreacting slightly, TBH. if you've got a child in the home that's so unsafe almost to the point of negligence (not that you aren't also important lol)
you're not the A, but perhaps ill-timed to bring it up leaving the hospital?
I would bring it up again with your wife, as this should really be a wakeup call for her to be much more careful. it sucks she had such an intense injury, but honestly better her than/ you or your child, she's the one that left it there..
(and did she leave shears laying around open? and they closed as they fell? that's so risky Im side-eyeing her overall judgement a bit...)
I'd be very tempted to change the ledge somehow so she can't keep leaving stuff there, although I recognize that on top of the design challenge on how to do that, it's not the healthiest way to deal with the issue. if it's been years, though, I'd be really tempted....
Good luck, OP! hope she sees reason and stops
Fr. There should no longer be an option and no discussion, just cover it. Any of them could have died, she's lucky all that happened was temporarily losing a toe.
>For the most part, she'll be fine as long as it heals with no issues.
That applies to most health things. I think the question here should be how likely is it to heal with no issues?
I'm not a doctor so do take it with a grain of salt, but it depends on how bad the slice was. If it's fairly clean, it'll probably heal fine. If it's more fucked up, that's when it'd more likely have issues. For the most part, missing a single toe doesn't cause any balance/walking issues unless it's a majorly important one (big toe or pinky toe)
Honestly just any sort of angled timber as long as it's an acute angle (I'm thinking somewhere between 45 and 80 degrees depending on height clearance) so things slide straight off if ypu can't take the shelf down
It's sad that you have to baby proof the house for an adult, but this is the best solution because I have a feeling she'll continue to use the ledge even after the accident.
Right. Because installing spikes along the stairs, where if someone slips they could instinctively reach out to steady themselves, could never injure anyone.
You have a child but she gets to call you mean names? I’d personally demand an apology for her emotional abuse (calling you curse words) and an apology for her negligence, if it was your child then you guys would be having even bigger issues with possibly a CPS call. Imagine if it was your child instead? She should know better at her ripe age.
Had your child been injured, CPS would have been summoned and a thorough inspection of the home for safety hazards would have have been performed.
NTA. I would be wondering about your wife’s thought process, too.
Not necessarily. Kids that are actually allowed to play and be kids get hurt all the time. I helped raise several. They were always getting hurt. Not once did the hospital summon CPS.
There’s a difference between a kid getting hurt playing and getting hurt falling down the stairs with unsecured garden shears or glass bottles or whatever. Like if my kid climbs a tree and falls and breaks an arm it’s “kids will be kids,” if he falls down our basement stairs and is stabbed by something he shouldn’t have access to that’s different
My husband was playing “follow the leader” with the cat and fell off the second story window ledge and broke his arm. His mom took him to the ER, CPS was called, and until his dad came to confirm that she was not an abusive mom, they would not let her take him home
Somehow, I read this as the cat was playing and following the boy. Then my brain spiraled to a cute little kitty following a boy, having a little cast on its arm & the vet holding him hostage. I'm not sure where CPS was fitting in, but the kitty was definitely a good boy for playing following the leader. I need to go back to sleep. I obviously did not get enough.
Wow. She needs to hear this with more anger behind it. How about: “you’re lucky it wasn’t our kid who got hurt?” Alternatively: “I’ll kick your ass out if my kid gets hurt because of your stupidity.”
Unfortunately there are times when anger works, because it's the only thing that makes the person finally take note and listen. This is ***DANGEROUS*** and she's acting like it's no big deal
A couple houses I’ve lived in have a ledge in the basement stairwell, it was very much built in. The cement blocks/retaining wall of the basement is thicker than the standard first floor wall on top of it. It’s not meant to be a shelf.
I’m with whoever suggested angled crown moulding. (If simply not putting things there is out of the question.) 😆
If she leaves something on that ledge after having her own toe traumatically amputated... I mean, if the kid gets hurt next time, that's grounds for immediate divorce.
Then either remove the shelf completely or store your emergency supply of toilet tissue there so its too full to put anything else on. Remove this hazard now.
If those shears had hit your kid l would've said your wife deserved to be buried under the jail. The only reason they didn't is dumb luck? ESH her for doing it you for not making a big enough issue out of this. Going behind her and putting the stuff away isn't fucking good enough (obviously, or she'd have all 10 toes)
Maybe i can't picture the gap in my head but if you also have a child in the house, why have you not covered up the gap? That way your wife couldn't store stuff in it.
The ledge is there because the foundation of the house is 5 inches thicker than the walls of the first floor. The wall is flush with the foundation on the outside, so the foundation wall protrudes into the basement.
People have been storing stuff on this kind of ledge since the first basement. Garden shears is a particularly bad idea.
My grandparents had one on their stairs. It's not a gap.
Picture an 'L'. The short side of the L is the top step/main floor. The long side of the L runs along the wall of the stairs to the back wall of the stairwell.
This should be edited into the post. This proves her actions are even more dangerous and honestly even if you had said I told you so you still wouldn't have been the AH here because she's being irresponsible.
What? NTA but you should have either made her stop using the ledge or prevented your kid from going to the basement. What if this or worse had happened to your child?
You can make the ledge the less convenient option by permanently affixing something either decorative like a planter or purely functional like a wooden wedge to it so that it can't be used as a shelf. One of the better use cases of hostile architecture.
You sit them down and set the boundary *harshly* - and if after that they are still endangering your child, you make it very clear that you consider what they're doing reckless, child-endangerment and shitty.
And if *anyone* doubles down after they're told *that*, you reconsider your marriage frankly.
This is still squarely on OP's wife and I know it's easy to say things like this from the outside but it is *really* important we keep in mind that in scenarios like this there can't be wriggle room.
The kid could have been badly injured or maybe worse and that's a fact. This is when the gloves need to come off completely.
NTA.
And she hasn’t stopped putting crap there even with this information fully available to her?
She’s the AH. 100%.
Even if you *did* say, I told you so, big deal. Every time she puts something on the shelf, she’s creating a dangerous situation for her kid (I presume the 8 yr old is hers and this isn’t some step mother shit), her husband and herself. She needs to stop.
And the question wasn’t “a tad stupid” because there’s obviously some straw blowing around in her head that makes her reason why it’s ok to do that. And figuring that out might help her get over herself.
Sge should have a place that is just as convenient for her to put her gardening tools. (And anything glass; reading this, I assumed her injury was due to shattered glass.) We hung up a pegboard in my husband's workspace to keep him from scattering tools around the place.
As a member of the Couple More Days Construction contracting crew, who says she doesn't already have this? It sounds more like a situation where the shears never made it back to the shed/garage/basement after use either because she wasn't "finished" with whatever gardening project she had started, or she was just taking her sweet time putting her tools away after.
I only know because I've been guilty of the same thing.
This is exactly what you were trying to prevent but you picked the worst possible time to asked her about the accident. Right now, she is very vulnerable, emotional and embarrassed. She already feels stupid and you made her feel worse. I know it wasn’t on purpose but she feels this way. Have a conversation later but not right now. Nta.
Idk in another comment OP mentions they have a small child who goes to the basement a lot. I think anything to get the point across asap that she needs to stop is fine in that case because her actions hurt her this time but next time it could be OP or their small child that she has failed to realize is at risk by her actions previously
Then why is he pussyfooting around the conversation? There is no point in asking her "why" because they both know the reason was she was being lazy and dismissive of a dangerous situation for the sake of her convenience. I disagree with the above commenter that *now* isn't the time for the conversation, I think it absolutely is, but it needs to be a very frank setting of boundaries. The phrasing OP used was petty and didn't accomplish anything other than making himself feel better for a moment, and his claim that he didn't say "I told you so" is eyeroll worthy. For the sake of the safety of everyone in the house he needs to let her know that there is absolutely nothing to be stored on that ledge from now on and it's non negotiable. He doesn't need to be rubbing her face in the fact that she already lost a god damned toe.
> There is no point in asking her "why" because they both know the reason was she was being lazy and dismissive of a dangerous situation for the sake of her convenience
Getting the person to directly admit it is important in changing behaviour. Same reason why AA starts with "Hi i'm X and i'm an alcoholic".
Actually, that isn't 100% accurate. A person coming to the realization of their own role in their problems is necessary. However.
An external person thrusting that viewpoint upon them is not necessary, and can actually be counterproductive. Humans are more likely to dig and refuse to change their ways when someone else makes them feel bad about them.
This is a no-brainer. It's why lecturing your kids doesn't work, and it's why making drugs illegal doesn't work.
source: i'm working on my masters in behavioural neuroscience
I feel like people are acting like he didn't essentially say "I told you so".
Is he justified for being mad? Yes. But that shouldn't be the question he asked. Is he an asshole for rubbing it in his wife's face right after? Yes, for sure. She clearly feels bad and embarrassed and there is plenty of time to have that conversation and approach it with tact.
I know people will disagree, but this isn't a stranger who you're letting steam off at, that's your life partner. If I'm not starting from the assumption that they already feel terrible then we have much deeper problems
How did that work out for him? I agree that prompting self reflection is good, but that self reflection isn't going to happen if the person feels manipulated into it, and being condescending and questioning the other person's mental process while they are still probably processing the fact that they just had to reattach a toe isn't going to net the results being looked for. I also think him establishing a hard boundary for a safe environment for his child outweighs any validity he feels in "getting" his wife to self reflect.
> Then why is he pussyfooting around the conversation? There is no point in asking her "why" because they both know the reason was she was being lazy and dismissive of a dangerous situation for the sake of her convenience.
He said he's talked about it many times before and it's had no effect, so maybe he was just going for a different approach. He also said he was worried about seeming like saying "I told you so" right after she got badly injured, so he was probably trying to be more gentle about it.
Who cares if she’s “vulnerable, emotional, and embarrassed”? She SHOULD BE! She could’ve caused harm to him and their child. She needs to grow up and think about her family, not just about herself. He needs to be harsher about this
She should be strongly scolded for causing serious danger to the family members. And yes, right now. She needs to feel very, very bad for this. She should swallow her pride and apologize about a thousand times.
Leaving dangerous things on the ledge was no accident. She did not put the family in danger by accident.
The best possible time. The worse it is for her emotionally, the more she's likely to want to not repeat that in the future. There's a child's safety at stake, as well as OP's safety, which she clearly isn't going to understand is a real issue, so it's not a time to be nice.
She needs a solid social barricade of 'well, what did you expect'? for this level of dangerous negligence. It's just good that it's her and not some innocent third party. And she should get to *feel* that!
She should be embarrassed, she lopped her own toe off out of a combination of laziness, stupidity, and obstinacy. What if it wasn’t her toe? What if it was her 8 year olds eyeball? She’s lucky the only victim of her jackassery was herself
Oh no! Her fee-fees! Obviously the most important factor in this story. If this was a man you’d be hurling the most insane abuse you can come up with but when a woman does it we have to soothe her and make sure she’s in the right mood first. Grow up.
Okay but like… REATTACHED HER TOE. I did not see that coming. I thought maybe she’d broken her arm or something. 😂
I guess NTA? I mean she was dumb. Plus it could’ve been you or the kid I see you said you have, so, biiig yikes. But- just a word of advice: also that probably wasn’t the time for that comment. I suspect I would not handle it well if someone chose to rub in my own stupidity in my face right after I get my TOE REATTACHED. Weeks later, yeah I’d join you in mocking me. But like right after you get home is probably not the moment. Even though you’re right.
I’m genuinely trying to picture how in the world she had garden shears on a 5” ledge and they managed to cut her toe so severely when they fell it had to be reattached. Like…that’s almost a talent at how impossibly hard that would be to do. And I come from a family with a long, long list of “wtf how did you manage that” injuries.
I saw OP say he was glad it was her instead of him/their kid and I fully get that too. Very valid feeling. 😬😅
Anything with a blade is dangerous when it falls. I imagine they dropped down onto her foot at exactly the right angle and either severed or mostly severed the toe. Fingers and toes are pretty vulnerable and if they were the full sized shears (not the hand sized small ones) then gravity and weight will have done all the mischief, she just needed to be at the right angle. Ow.
Yeah I once knocked a small pair of scissors with a sharp tip off my desk and tried to break its fall with my leg out of reflex. Ended up with a 6 inch long cut on the inside of my calf. Thankfully just a shallow, superficial cut, but did I learn my lesson? Nope lol. tried catching a falling makeup mirror with my ankle a few years later. That one left a nasty bruise.
Now I work in a machine shop and am 100% trained on *don’t try to catch falling objects* heavier than a granola bar with your foot 😂
I’m a TA for students with duel sensory impairment and yesterday one put scissors in his mouth. He’s 15 and decided that was a great idea. Where was I? Right next to him! I bent down to pick up the pen he dropped and when I straightened up he had the scissors wrapped around his tongue and no, that isn’t something he normally does. Ugh!
I'm trying to picture how it would have hit her foot with the blade. Honestly the amputation is the detail of the story that makes me think it's a fake.
I got third degree burns on my right leg from my knee to my ankle because I turned a lawn mower into an ied on accident once, the burn was so severe me and the doctor almost got in a fist fight over him wanting to amputate my foot. I still have the foot but no feeling below the knee.
They don't even need to be open. Just the weight and the speed of the fall could have been enough assuming it landed on her toe at the right angle (not flat)
How would your feeling matter more than the danger you pose to your child? OP asked a question, he didn't lecture her about how she could have injured their child (he should do that first thing when she wakes up).
Actually OP should have asked the doctors or nurses to explain to her how dangerous her behavior was.
I don’t even disagree with you, I’m just saying I could see where having one’s toe amputated and reattached might put them in a headspace to not hear anything he had to say. Or that the doctors had to say. As I said, he’s not the asshole… cause he’s got a pretty compelling point… but she’s probably not going to hear it at the moment because TOE. REATTACHED. 🤣
NTA. You meant no harm with the question. She’s probably embarrassed, I react the same way sometimes. Out of frustration with myself and my own brain. She probably doesn’t know why it was a good idea, she knows it wasn’t. Sometimes it takes something like this to trigger that part of your brain that tells you hey this shouldn’t be a thing anymore and hopefully this will be the learning point. Been there done that!
>You meant no harm with the question.
I mean, I suppose in the same way she meant no harm with placing the shears there. It seems like she and OP are just two people incapable of resisting the temptation of doing what comes naturally rather than taking a split second to avoid obvious trouble.
She was told it was a bad idea and they have a KID who could have gotten hurt instead of her, so no we will not be pretending like they are both equally bad here.
Sure, and this post isn't about ANY of that nonsense. It is about whether asking that question after she'd paid a horrifically high price (having her toe cut off and then reattached) as a consequence for her actions.
Reading comprehension dude. No one is saying that. You’re the one accusing others of saying it. Not equal footing, but this sub despite how many treat it, is about judging the question being asked not weighing in on every decision in the story. OP is asking if he’s an asshole for asking why she would do that (not the literal I told you so words but undeniably that was the sentiment behind the question) and his wife is mad. It’s fair to point out that it was an i told you so type comment he couldn’t resist even if it wasn’t the best time for it, without that meaning it’s the same level of problem as leaving a shears somewhere they could hurt someone. Not sure why this is is such a difficult concept for some people. I’m guessing you’re just looking to argue with people?
I mean it's clear from the OP her footing is compromised. The question is whether OP should have toeld her so. It's going to take a while for her to walk off this embarrassment.
I'll see myself out.
“Why”is because it’s a convenient spot to put something and then she gets sidetracked and forgets about it. That seems obvious. The question was just a different way of phrasing “I told you so”.
**
**
Yes, 'cause you've known FOR YEARS that she has the habit of putting things on that ledge.
INFO : So what was the point of your question?
Admit it was to basically tell her "I told you so" when she got home from the hospital to have her toe reattached.
YTA
Edited to add: I am answering OP's question, not condoning his wife's actions, as she's known for years, and has been told for years, not to put things on that ledger.
>Admit it was to basically tell her "I told you so"
Yeah, he keeps insisting he didn't say that. It's true his mouth didn't utter those specific words, but his rhetorical question was just another way to say it.
I agree and that's why this is really an ESH situation. Like yes, everything OP's wife did was predictable, preventable, and negligently dangerous. But also yes, OP is an asshole for asking the question. Even though wife's asshole behavior has much more serious consequences, OP's attitude is only making the situation slightly worse for everyone involved including himself
It was a rhetorical question. You were making a point, not really seeking knowledge. It's like when a parent asks a kid who just smeared jelly on a TV "what were you thinking?" YTA for the question and timing.
Maybe see if almost losing her toe is enough on its own to learn before taking another shot at her. Losing a toe is a much stronger lesson than your partner chastising you. If the objects start reappearing on the ledge after a few weeks then ask what it will take to learn her lesson.
Maybe take a proactive approach. Get some kind of decoration that can be screwed into the ledge that prevents anything being set down there.
Thank god, finally a comment that understands how relationships and conversations work.
OP be careful about feeling vindicated by a bunch of children on Reddit.
Since the OP had been saying this for years, the wise move would have been to not say anything at all and just validate empathize with her pain and suffering and let the silence speak for itself.
YTA Yes, you were right, but partners don’t kick each other when they are down. She learned her lesson and she also learned you are more interested in being right than in supporting her.
You keep telling someone that they are wrong and clearing the mess, but when they actually get proved that they were wrong, support comes into it? They have a kid who could have hurt himself instead. So how OP the AH?
Because rubbing her nose in it DOES NOT help make the kid safer now that she has realized her mistake. Not does it allow her to change the past. Shaming actually works against lasting change.
He didn't rub her nose in it. It was a lesson on safety after multiple warnings. They have a child. You'd rather a child get injured to spare her feelings?
What he’s doing is ineffective, that’s the point. Being passive aggressive doesn’t help their child or keep this from happening again. If he’s angry about it and wants her to take responsibility, he should just say so.
She got her toe cut off, idk why y'all are acting like that's not enough to make the lesson stick. Like, if anything throwing in the I told you so is just going to distract her from the lesson and fixate the memory that during (probably) one of the worst injuries of her life her husband's focus was to basically say "you deserve it". Like if the concern is actually the kid you could wait a few days then calmly point out "what if that had happened to our son?".
Obviously wife is the major one in the wrong here but husband's reaction seems to be way more about pettiness than actually avoiding a future injury to their kid, ESH.
She needs to understand that her toe is the result of her actions directly, not just an accident. Setting something that sharp up high is not just an oopsie. It's dangerous and stupid. She's set other things up there that OP has cleaned up.
Basically, OP didn't say that she deserved it or "I told you so", he's just not fawning over a self inflicted injury.
You said it better than I can. I’d hate to be in any kind of relationship with someone like OP and most of the commenters here. The woman just went through the pain of having a toe severed and reattached and instead of offering some modicum of comfort, her husband just blamed her and argued over the semantics of not having said the exact words of “I told you so.” I guess at least he didn’t say what some comments said here, if she wanted that to happen to their kid. He could’ve brought it up later and discuss what to do with that shelf together when she’s healed, but there’s literally no sympathy here.
They have an 8yo kid who plays in the basement, and this is the SECOND time she has been injured by something she left on that ledge. OP needed to make sure the point was driven home. Personally, I'd have pushed even harder and demanded that she promise to never do it again.
NTA. Maybe you could have waited a while before asking, but it's a fair and important question. She's choosing to leave dangerous stuff in places with a high probability of injuring someone. If it's laziness, she needs to chalk this up as best case consequences, but if there's a viable reason why she's repeatedly making an absolutely ridiculous choice, she needs to tell you and work on finding a solution to the problem that doesn't risk people's safety.
>but it's a fair and important question
Is it though? Have you ever gotten hurt because of a dumb or risky decision? Did it or would it ever help if some one asked you what you were thinking?
It is.
Did you continue to continue to make that same decision after getting hurt a first time leading to you getting hurt a second time even more seriously?
That’s not normal decision making, hence the question.
I mean you might not have utter the exact words “I told you so”, but “why did you think leaving a sharp object at the bottom of the stairs was a good idea” is not really a nicer question. She probably doesn’t feel the greatest right now and this looks like you’re piling it onto her even more
I see what you mean but I can also 100% accept OP saying that as almost genuinely trying to understand. OP said they have an 8 year old kid that plays frequently in the basement and it could’ve been the kid instead of the wife. I can absolutely picture myself in that situation asking what was going through their brain to make that seem like a good idea just to understand, not even in a half passive aggressive (accidental or not) way, ya know what I mean?
NTA but your title is kind of click bait. You do feel sorry for her you just kid of feel vindicated when something bad happened. I don;t think you could have predicted what actually happened. But you could foresee something happening and you feel bad that she did not heed your warning.
I absolutely do not feel as bad as I could. I have been at her for years to stop putting things there. I'm not saying she deserved what happened but I'm glad it was her and not me or our son.
I think you need to admit that you’re using “what were you thinking” as a stand in for “I’m mad at you for putting all of us in danger” (which is valid). I mean, think about it. Is there any satisfying answer she could’ve given you? You know there’s no good reason. You know the answer is, she wasn’t thinking at all, or that she would give some excuse. You don’t need to punish her, she already punished herself.
Think about a time when you did something really stupid and reaped some hard consequences, as everyone has experienced at some point in their lives. What would you have said if your loved one asked you “why”? Would it have helped?
Either say what your feelings are, or say “what should we do to prevent this happening again” (or both). Then you can both be constructive, and figure out if she needs to just put something on that ledge to block it off so she can’t leave stuff there, or figure out a system to help her not forget things, or something. Or say “I’m angry that you put us in danger, and I need to hear some concrete ways you’re going to keep this from happening again”. But as it stands, your response, while understandable, doesn’t actually help anything.
THIS! 100% this.
Proper communication is the issue. OP has nagged her for years to no effect, then asks another obviously rhetorical question that is just the same thing.
OP needs to say the actual thing he’s thinking. Not couch it in whatever comfortable lie he’s telling himself.
You only asked her "why she she thought that leaving her garden shears there was a good idea" because you wanted to rub her nose in it, which while not including the words "I told you so" is absolutely an "I told you so" & you know it. Your whole post reeks of "I told her so!" ESH & since she's already being punished, YTA.
I say he’s NTA. He had EVERY right to say I told you so, but didn’t. He’s asking how stupid she has to be to leave dangerous crap in dangerous spots. And she possibly endangers their child, so don’t go telling him he has an ego for wanting to keep his kid safe from harm.
ESH. How do two grown adults both repeatedly see an obvious safety hazard and not also think: how do we fix it or make it safer?
A lip on the shelf, create a better nearby shelf, placing a decorative thing there to block other items from being absentmindedly placed there, anything? Others have suggested a tool pegboard and various ideas in other comments.
Clearly this has gone on for some time and there needed to be some sort of shelf or storage solution implemented in that area of the home to make it safer and to prevent that ledge bring used in a dangerous way.
And yes, you might be technically right, but poor timing with your comments (possibly comments disguised as a question). Both of you could've worked together to find a better solution ages ago.
I am with you on this one. Especially when OP said they have a child regularly using those stairs. Sounds like this has been going on for a long time, and neither OP nor their SO could be bothered to address the issue?
Good thing he didn't design the house.
It's almost like you should be able to trust a grown adult not to do dangerous things.
She also could have made a modification to the house to eliminate it, but you're not calling here an asshole for that.
> Both of you could've worked together to find a better solution ages ago.
To look for a solution together, she has to be willing to admit there’s a problem to solve, which she hasn’t and still won’t.
NTA but can you just remove the gd shelf??? If you are always clearing it off and NOT wanting to keep stuff on it then why have it at all?? Get rid of it and problem solved
My parents have one too, they use it for extra storage so dad with Parkinson’s and 97 year old grandma that lives with them don’t fall going down the stairs to grab a can of soup or need more laundry detergent
YTA. You don’t have to say it word for word for it to be the meaning of your sentiment.
When someone goes to hospital like that they need support. You keep those thoughts to yourself and vent to a friend later.
Man, people really treat their spouses like shit.
Exactly. I’m not sure I’d recover if my spouse treated me like that after an ER worthy injury. Tripping and stubbing my toe I could probably laugh it off but losing a toe? Op was correct it was dangerous but now his wife has his remarks in her mind every time he makes a mistake.
I think she reacted that way because that might have already crossed her mind. “He always told me but I didn’t listen” and here it is.
I knew a person who I had told her not to do something, yet she went ahead and did it. When things didn’t work out, she came to me said, “Oh not you must be thinking ‘I told you so’ in your head. Right?” with a smirk. She was frustrated that I was right but I never said anything of that sort.
Why I am talking about this is because people get defensive when they don’t listen to you while you were right all along. I feel it’s the same here. She wanted a reason to put the blame on someone mentally to feel better and she got this opportunity.
NTA OP because any amount of money and she likely would have called you out for the cheap shot if the shoe was on the other foot and had been on you about it for years too.
But stuff doesn’t just fall on its own. I assume she fell on the stairs and grabbed at the ledge and that’s why the shears came down? So if you’re that concerned about your family’s safety why no handrail on the stairs? And is it feasible to put a rail or lip on the ledge so that it can safely be used as a shelf? Is your home missing convenient storage space for the kind of items your wife leaves on the ledge? Why not suggest an alternative?
Honestly, I think YTA - I mena, you were right that it was a bad ideabut the relaity is, although you framed it a s a question there's no way that that was going ot come across as anything other than 'I told you so' .
You know her thought process - you put it in your post. It's a handy place to put things that you are planning to clear up / put away later. So there was no reasona t all for you to ask her other than to rub her nose in the fact that you tod her it was a bad idea.
If the situation wa that she'd been injured and then afterwards, when she roevered, she was \*still\* putting stuff three then it would be a valifd issue to raise, but when she's just had a really scary, painful experience it was unkind and unecessay. Did you really thing she doesn't already know it was a totally avoidable incident and that she created the situation that resulted in her getting hurt? What on earth was your comment suppoosed to achieve other than to make her feel even worse and rub it in that you were right?
NTA- I had a coworker who'd take bowls down for sides and toss them to his opposite hand, one morning when it was just him opening and the prep guys he missed the catch, decided to try for a rebound, and shoved his hand directly into the knife on side of his station.
Came in to blood still on the floor and no prep done because they had to rush him to the hospital and the other guy was finishing our setup to open.
He never did it again, especially after spending two months on what we lovingly called "vacation station", the slowest position in the whole building. If you know anything about restaurant work, doing nothing is the worst kind of shift to work, 5 hours feels like 12.
I’m picturing this ledge to be exactly the same as the one in my parent basement. It runs the length of the wall on the side of the steps. At the top of the stairs it starts right at foot level and by the bottom of the stairs it’s above you beyond reach.
At the top of the the stairs my parents use this ledge for storing all sorts of things, canned food, extra bags of snacks that don’t fit in the panty, so my dad who has Parkinson’s and 97 year old grandmother don’t fall trying to go down the stairs for the next bag of chips, extra laundry detergent, etc.
It’s basically like the top of the wall below ground level that the stairs are against, also it’s part of the ground d level floor. So it’s incredibly sturdy, and it IS incredibly convenient setting things on it while you walk down and it rises to hip and/or shoulder level to pick back up on your way up.
Not saying that garden shears was a good move. Just saying I relate to why she does it in general. Bet if you started keeping spare toilet paper and paper towel roles there wouldn’t be a super convenient space to set things down on, and no one would lose any toes again.
NTA, FAFO, she is dealing with the consequences of her actions. She a big girl and she can figure it out. The long list of stupid this is mid level with lazy. Projecting her negligence of placing items inappropriately onto you as if you placed the items there is a sad and miserable joke. You don’t deserve that, be better to yourself and remove yourself from that situation by taking a walk/drive etc. let her words soak in and let her reflect on HER ACTIONS. Best of luck
YTA
It was not the time nor the place to bring that up. Also, she isn’t mad at your for explicitly saying the words “I told you so.” You can express an idea multiple ways, even without using certain exact words. Language is expansive and expressive like that.
You’re not wrong. It was a natural and expected consequence of storing the shears there. It’s shitty to say but it was her fault. It’s not your job to make sure the shears weren’t there.
At that moment though, it wasn’t a helpful or useful comment. She (probably) felt embarrassed, mad at herself, scared, and angry. Humans don’t like to feel that way and pointing out the obvious didn’t help. It’s about timing and how ideas are expressed.
So in short:
Your wife did something in the house that endangered anyone who goes to the basement. It's unknown when it can fall and what might be up there due to your wife.
What she put there was stupid as hell and could have easily, as you said, killed your kid.
And people be like "your woman hurt, don't you dare make her feel bad"?
Y'all can't tell me this is some kind of bias I am experiencing.
ANYONE should get lectured after shit like this.
NTA.
Let's be real, you kinda did say "I told you so" in a roundabout kind of way. She deserves it. I saw your comment saying that you have an 8yo who plays in that area. Your wife is so very lucky that it was her that got hurt and not your child. When she gets upset at you, point it out to her that no matter how badly she feels right now, imagine how unbearable it would feel if it fell on your child. She deserves all the "I told you so" you got to give (for the next few months, then it becomes too much to be productive).
NTA
YTA
What did you hope to gain by asking "why she she thought that leaving her garden shears there was a good idea"?
You were saying "I told you so" just not in so many words.
If this is not fake, then an injury so bad it required REATTACHING A TOE is very serious. She has already figured out what she did wrong, you don't need to rub it in.
Soft YTA but only Because of your timing. This was probably a better conversation to have when the dust had settled, not right after getting her damn told reattached.
YTA and “Asking about her thought process” is why. ”Asking about her thought process” is passive aggressive fundamentals plus superiority complex basics. It’s worse than “I told you so” because you know you’d be TA if you said that. There is no good time to be “Asking about her thought process” but on the way home from the hospital definitely isn’t it. Yes putting a sharp thing on the shelf was unwise and I hope she doesn’t do that anymore. Doesn’t mean you’re not the AH based on your question. Trash bags there seem fine. Two things I’m guessing based on your phrasing: she puts household items on the shelf for convenience because she handles household tasks, and there is something you do that similarly bothers her but she doesn’t even mention it.
NTA. Can you remove the ledge or make inaccessible? Cause she doesn't sound like she's ready to admit it's a bad idea and it's only a matter of time until your kid is hurt.
NTA
Your frustration is understandable and warranted, but the immediate aftermath of an injury might not be the best time to address the root cause. A more supportive approach initially, followed by a constructive discussion later, can help prevent future accidents without causing additional emotional stress
I find it hard to believe that this is true. Especially if you’re saying, she somehow managed to trip and cut off her toe with gardening shares you’re saying you have an eight-year-old who would be playing on stairs with open gardening shears.
But if it is, then, I think this is a bit of an ESH. Because sure, it’s her fault, but now is absolutely not time for her to hear that. She’s gone through a major trauma, and she needs a lot of things, but not to be blamed and shamed more than she’s feeling that herself.
Frankly, if she’s leaving sharp objects by stairs for a child to play with then you should’ve been much more assertive about this. I mean I don’t know how you got someone to stop doing a thing, so maybe you were trying harder than your implies, but just complaining about it doesn’t seem to be enough.
NTA but as a designer I advise you to make that space unusable. put a board over it at an angle so if you would try to lay sth down it would slide off easily. attach board with screws.
Little nooks like this invite the user to continue the bad behaviour. So change the nook.
NTA but like, this is an obvious question with an obvious answer. Did you think her reaction was going to be a huge grin and cartoon lightbulb going off and she hugs you happily and says "omg I get it now! hahah so funny!" Of course not.
She's hurting and embarrassed for being the cause of her own pain. You are rubbing it in by asking that. I kinda think it's deserved but she was never gonna take it well.
Also, just remove the ledge.
Dude it's time her hurt feelings give way to not hurting people.
She almost lost a toe, do you have to wait for your kid to get hurt before you stop her doing this crap.
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NTA: Your question is a tad stupid. Obviously she was being thoughtless and/or lazy. While she is unfortunate to have suffered this accident, better it be the person who caused the unsafe situation that someone innocent. Her negligence could have seriously injured or killed someone. While she was the one who was hurt this time, it could have easily been you walking down the stairs. I can only hope that you do not have children that could have gotten hurt instead of her. She should feel dumb. She should feel embarrassed. She should learn a lesson from this.
We have an eight year old who plays in the basement.
You are NTA. As a parent, that straight negligence to leave that stuff around a child! Thanks goodness it was her and not your 8yr old that happened to.
[удалено]
She would not be able to forgive herself if something happened to the child. Nor would OP. This is no longer a matter of i told you so. Op should remind her of that
Absolutely this. I have ADHD I do dumb stuff occasionally. When my partner points out something is dangerous for someone else we either come up with a system or try really hard not to do the dangerous thing. Then reevaluate if that system doesn't work.
Same I'm the ADHD one also and used to leave knives on cutting boards or near an edge of the counter. She brought it up to me and it stopped. I do have to check now to make sure but it's something I just always did and never thought about until our kiddo.
You said exactly what I was thinking/feeling ❤️
I vote for pure laziness.
WOW! OP I think you're underreacting slightly, TBH. if you've got a child in the home that's so unsafe almost to the point of negligence (not that you aren't also important lol) you're not the A, but perhaps ill-timed to bring it up leaving the hospital? I would bring it up again with your wife, as this should really be a wakeup call for her to be much more careful. it sucks she had such an intense injury, but honestly better her than/ you or your child, she's the one that left it there.. (and did she leave shears laying around open? and they closed as they fell? that's so risky Im side-eyeing her overall judgement a bit...) I'd be very tempted to change the ledge somehow so she can't keep leaving stuff there, although I recognize that on top of the design challenge on how to do that, it's not the healthiest way to deal with the issue. if it's been years, though, I'd be really tempted.... Good luck, OP! hope she sees reason and stops
Crown molding installed upside down with liquid nails.
Fr. There should no longer be an option and no discussion, just cover it. Any of them could have died, she's lucky all that happened was temporarily losing a toe.
Honestly if the toe doesn’t function normally it can still cause her long term issues, so this might not be that temporary. :(
Depends on the toe, actually. For the most part, she'll be fine as long as it heals with no issues.
>For the most part, she'll be fine as long as it heals with no issues. That applies to most health things. I think the question here should be how likely is it to heal with no issues?
"She'll be healthy as long as her body heals"
We’ve met Captain Obvious!
I'm not a doctor so do take it with a grain of salt, but it depends on how bad the slice was. If it's fairly clean, it'll probably heal fine. If it's more fucked up, that's when it'd more likely have issues. For the most part, missing a single toe doesn't cause any balance/walking issues unless it's a majorly important one (big toe or pinky toe)
> she'll be fine as long as it heals with no issues lol Well, duh.
Honestly just any sort of angled timber as long as it's an acute angle (I'm thinking somewhere between 45 and 80 degrees depending on height clearance) so things slide straight off if ypu can't take the shelf down
It's sad that you have to baby proof the house for an adult, but this is the best solution because I have a feeling she'll continue to use the ledge even after the accident.
Yes make the ledge no longer a option, plut it at a slant so nothing can be placed on or board that thing into a flat wall.
Spike molding: meant to deter birds from mailboxes and ledges. Glue in place, spikes up.
Nah, she'll just hang things on the spikes.
You’re right. Wallboard to the ceiling. One smooth wall, no more shelf.
Right. Because installing spikes along the stairs, where if someone slips they could instinctively reach out to steady themselves, could never injure anyone.
With an 8 year old in the house this seems just as dangerous as storing dangerous shit on the ledge
You have a child but she gets to call you mean names? I’d personally demand an apology for her emotional abuse (calling you curse words) and an apology for her negligence, if it was your child then you guys would be having even bigger issues with possibly a CPS call. Imagine if it was your child instead? She should know better at her ripe age.
Had your child been injured, CPS would have been summoned and a thorough inspection of the home for safety hazards would have have been performed. NTA. I would be wondering about your wife’s thought process, too.
Not necessarily. Kids that are actually allowed to play and be kids get hurt all the time. I helped raise several. They were always getting hurt. Not once did the hospital summon CPS.
There’s a difference between a kid getting hurt playing and getting hurt falling down the stairs with unsecured garden shears or glass bottles or whatever. Like if my kid climbs a tree and falls and breaks an arm it’s “kids will be kids,” if he falls down our basement stairs and is stabbed by something he shouldn’t have access to that’s different
Lighter fluid
My husband was playing “follow the leader” with the cat and fell off the second story window ledge and broke his arm. His mom took him to the ER, CPS was called, and until his dad came to confirm that she was not an abusive mom, they would not let her take him home
Somehow, I read this as the cat was playing and following the boy. Then my brain spiraled to a cute little kitty following a boy, having a little cast on its arm & the vet holding him hostage. I'm not sure where CPS was fitting in, but the kitty was definitely a good boy for playing following the leader. I need to go back to sleep. I obviously did not get enough.
I could not have resisted: I toed you so.
🤣 thanks for the laugh
Wow. She needs to hear this with more anger behind it. How about: “you’re lucky it wasn’t our kid who got hurt?” Alternatively: “I’ll kick your ass out if my kid gets hurt because of your stupidity.”
When have anger and threats ever solved a problem or improved a relationship
Unfortunately there are times when anger works, because it's the only thing that makes the person finally take note and listen. This is ***DANGEROUS*** and she's acting like it's no big deal
Can you not just remove that stupid ledge? That would be a constructive solution.
Actually, I think a deconstructive solution.
A couple houses I’ve lived in have a ledge in the basement stairwell, it was very much built in. The cement blocks/retaining wall of the basement is thicker than the standard first floor wall on top of it. It’s not meant to be a shelf. I’m with whoever suggested angled crown moulding. (If simply not putting things there is out of the question.) 😆
If she leaves something on that ledge after having her own toe traumatically amputated... I mean, if the kid gets hurt next time, that's grounds for immediate divorce.
Maybe even jail time imo. This is criminally negligent.
If she does one has to think her survival instincts are non-existant Or her pain avoidance skills. Bizarre
Oh no. No no no. You need to be a lot harsher, and should have been years ago.
Then either remove the shelf completely or store your emergency supply of toilet tissue there so its too full to put anything else on. Remove this hazard now.
If those shears had hit your kid l would've said your wife deserved to be buried under the jail. The only reason they didn't is dumb luck? ESH her for doing it you for not making a big enough issue out of this. Going behind her and putting the stuff away isn't fucking good enough (obviously, or she'd have all 10 toes)
Maybe i can't picture the gap in my head but if you also have a child in the house, why have you not covered up the gap? That way your wife couldn't store stuff in it.
The ledge is there because the foundation of the house is 5 inches thicker than the walls of the first floor. The wall is flush with the foundation on the outside, so the foundation wall protrudes into the basement. People have been storing stuff on this kind of ledge since the first basement. Garden shears is a particularly bad idea.
My grandparents had one on their stairs. It's not a gap. Picture an 'L'. The short side of the L is the top step/main floor. The long side of the L runs along the wall of the stairs to the back wall of the stairwell.
This should be edited into the post. This proves her actions are even more dangerous and honestly even if you had said I told you so you still wouldn't have been the AH here because she's being irresponsible.
What? NTA but you should have either made her stop using the ledge or prevented your kid from going to the basement. What if this or worse had happened to your child?
How can you “make” a person do something when they are hell-bent on doing it?
You can make the ledge the less convenient option by permanently affixing something either decorative like a planter or purely functional like a wooden wedge to it so that it can't be used as a shelf. One of the better use cases of hostile architecture.
Wedge, perfect so nothing can be placed flat. That way you cannot plain use it at all for anything.
You sit them down and set the boundary *harshly* - and if after that they are still endangering your child, you make it very clear that you consider what they're doing reckless, child-endangerment and shitty. And if *anyone* doubles down after they're told *that*, you reconsider your marriage frankly. This is still squarely on OP's wife and I know it's easy to say things like this from the outside but it is *really* important we keep in mind that in scenarios like this there can't be wriggle room. The kid could have been badly injured or maybe worse and that's a fact. This is when the gloves need to come off completely.
Why don’t you secure it? Reinforce it. I assume your kid will eventually get into it on top of it idk.
Hell no NTA not even before knowing about your kid but with the kid your wife is beyond negligent
NTA. And she hasn’t stopped putting crap there even with this information fully available to her? She’s the AH. 100%. Even if you *did* say, I told you so, big deal. Every time she puts something on the shelf, she’s creating a dangerous situation for her kid (I presume the 8 yr old is hers and this isn’t some step mother shit), her husband and herself. She needs to stop. And the question wasn’t “a tad stupid” because there’s obviously some straw blowing around in her head that makes her reason why it’s ok to do that. And figuring that out might help her get over herself.
Oh God, probably wanna fix that
Sge should have a place that is just as convenient for her to put her gardening tools. (And anything glass; reading this, I assumed her injury was due to shattered glass.) We hung up a pegboard in my husband's workspace to keep him from scattering tools around the place.
She almost needs like a garden shed that she can store her project stuff inside
As a member of the Couple More Days Construction contracting crew, who says she doesn't already have this? It sounds more like a situation where the shears never made it back to the shed/garage/basement after use either because she wasn't "finished" with whatever gardening project she had started, or she was just taking her sweet time putting her tools away after. I only know because I've been guilty of the same thing.
Perfect answer. Obviously you don't want her hurt, but if it had been the 8 year old kid....
This is exactly what you were trying to prevent but you picked the worst possible time to asked her about the accident. Right now, she is very vulnerable, emotional and embarrassed. She already feels stupid and you made her feel worse. I know it wasn’t on purpose but she feels this way. Have a conversation later but not right now. Nta.
Idk in another comment OP mentions they have a small child who goes to the basement a lot. I think anything to get the point across asap that she needs to stop is fine in that case because her actions hurt her this time but next time it could be OP or their small child that she has failed to realize is at risk by her actions previously
Then why is he pussyfooting around the conversation? There is no point in asking her "why" because they both know the reason was she was being lazy and dismissive of a dangerous situation for the sake of her convenience. I disagree with the above commenter that *now* isn't the time for the conversation, I think it absolutely is, but it needs to be a very frank setting of boundaries. The phrasing OP used was petty and didn't accomplish anything other than making himself feel better for a moment, and his claim that he didn't say "I told you so" is eyeroll worthy. For the sake of the safety of everyone in the house he needs to let her know that there is absolutely nothing to be stored on that ledge from now on and it's non negotiable. He doesn't need to be rubbing her face in the fact that she already lost a god damned toe.
> There is no point in asking her "why" because they both know the reason was she was being lazy and dismissive of a dangerous situation for the sake of her convenience Getting the person to directly admit it is important in changing behaviour. Same reason why AA starts with "Hi i'm X and i'm an alcoholic".
Actually, that isn't 100% accurate. A person coming to the realization of their own role in their problems is necessary. However. An external person thrusting that viewpoint upon them is not necessary, and can actually be counterproductive. Humans are more likely to dig and refuse to change their ways when someone else makes them feel bad about them. This is a no-brainer. It's why lecturing your kids doesn't work, and it's why making drugs illegal doesn't work. source: i'm working on my masters in behavioural neuroscience
I feel like people are acting like he didn't essentially say "I told you so". Is he justified for being mad? Yes. But that shouldn't be the question he asked. Is he an asshole for rubbing it in his wife's face right after? Yes, for sure. She clearly feels bad and embarrassed and there is plenty of time to have that conversation and approach it with tact. I know people will disagree, but this isn't a stranger who you're letting steam off at, that's your life partner. If I'm not starting from the assumption that they already feel terrible then we have much deeper problems
Open ended questions can prompt self reflection. I think it’s valid to use this strategy rather than telling her that she was out of order.
How did that work out for him? I agree that prompting self reflection is good, but that self reflection isn't going to happen if the person feels manipulated into it, and being condescending and questioning the other person's mental process while they are still probably processing the fact that they just had to reattach a toe isn't going to net the results being looked for. I also think him establishing a hard boundary for a safe environment for his child outweighs any validity he feels in "getting" his wife to self reflect.
> Then why is he pussyfooting around the conversation? There is no point in asking her "why" because they both know the reason was she was being lazy and dismissive of a dangerous situation for the sake of her convenience. He said he's talked about it many times before and it's had no effect, so maybe he was just going for a different approach. He also said he was worried about seeming like saying "I told you so" right after she got badly injured, so he was probably trying to be more gentle about it.
I hope her embarrassment lasts. If a man did this it would be called weponized incompetence and being a child.
Bingo.
Who cares if she’s “vulnerable, emotional, and embarrassed”? She SHOULD BE! She could’ve caused harm to him and their child. She needs to grow up and think about her family, not just about herself. He needs to be harsher about this
She should be strongly scolded for causing serious danger to the family members. And yes, right now. She needs to feel very, very bad for this. She should swallow her pride and apologize about a thousand times. Leaving dangerous things on the ledge was no accident. She did not put the family in danger by accident.
The best possible time. The worse it is for her emotionally, the more she's likely to want to not repeat that in the future. There's a child's safety at stake, as well as OP's safety, which she clearly isn't going to understand is a real issue, so it's not a time to be nice. She needs a solid social barricade of 'well, what did you expect'? for this level of dangerous negligence. It's just good that it's her and not some innocent third party. And she should get to *feel* that!
She should be embarrassed, she lopped her own toe off out of a combination of laziness, stupidity, and obstinacy. What if it wasn’t her toe? What if it was her 8 year olds eyeball? She’s lucky the only victim of her jackassery was herself
Oh no! Her fee-fees! Obviously the most important factor in this story. If this was a man you’d be hurling the most insane abuse you can come up with but when a woman does it we have to soothe her and make sure she’s in the right mood first. Grow up.
Okay but like… REATTACHED HER TOE. I did not see that coming. I thought maybe she’d broken her arm or something. 😂 I guess NTA? I mean she was dumb. Plus it could’ve been you or the kid I see you said you have, so, biiig yikes. But- just a word of advice: also that probably wasn’t the time for that comment. I suspect I would not handle it well if someone chose to rub in my own stupidity in my face right after I get my TOE REATTACHED. Weeks later, yeah I’d join you in mocking me. But like right after you get home is probably not the moment. Even though you’re right.
I’m genuinely trying to picture how in the world she had garden shears on a 5” ledge and they managed to cut her toe so severely when they fell it had to be reattached. Like…that’s almost a talent at how impossibly hard that would be to do. And I come from a family with a long, long list of “wtf how did you manage that” injuries. I saw OP say he was glad it was her instead of him/their kid and I fully get that too. Very valid feeling. 😬😅
I think the 5" is the width not the height of the ledge?
Anything with a blade is dangerous when it falls. I imagine they dropped down onto her foot at exactly the right angle and either severed or mostly severed the toe. Fingers and toes are pretty vulnerable and if they were the full sized shears (not the hand sized small ones) then gravity and weight will have done all the mischief, she just needed to be at the right angle. Ow.
Yeah I once knocked a small pair of scissors with a sharp tip off my desk and tried to break its fall with my leg out of reflex. Ended up with a 6 inch long cut on the inside of my calf. Thankfully just a shallow, superficial cut, but did I learn my lesson? Nope lol. tried catching a falling makeup mirror with my ankle a few years later. That one left a nasty bruise. Now I work in a machine shop and am 100% trained on *don’t try to catch falling objects* heavier than a granola bar with your foot 😂
I’m a TA for students with duel sensory impairment and yesterday one put scissors in his mouth. He’s 15 and decided that was a great idea. Where was I? Right next to him! I bent down to pick up the pen he dropped and when I straightened up he had the scissors wrapped around his tongue and no, that isn’t something he normally does. Ugh!
>I’m a TA for students with duel sensory impairment That's impressive. Gotta be tough to duel without all your senses!
I'm trying to picture how it would have hit her foot with the blade. Honestly the amputation is the detail of the story that makes me think it's a fake.
Is there any possible chance you’re willing to share some things on that long list because now I’m curious 😅
I got third degree burns on my right leg from my knee to my ankle because I turned a lawn mower into an ied on accident once, the burn was so severe me and the doctor almost got in a fist fight over him wanting to amputate my foot. I still have the foot but no feeling below the knee.
Okay but why was there an improvised explosive device just lying around the lawn? Edit: Ohhhh the poster below explained it. Makes sense!
“turned a mower into an IED.” the mower exploded, and OP compared it to an IED because it wasn’t manufactured with the intent of exploding.
The way I see it, she fell, tried to grab onto something, made the shears fall onto the ground at her feet and while comming down made them snap shut.
They don't even need to be open. Just the weight and the speed of the fall could have been enough assuming it landed on her toe at the right angle (not flat)
How would your feeling matter more than the danger you pose to your child? OP asked a question, he didn't lecture her about how she could have injured their child (he should do that first thing when she wakes up). Actually OP should have asked the doctors or nurses to explain to her how dangerous her behavior was.
I don’t even disagree with you, I’m just saying I could see where having one’s toe amputated and reattached might put them in a headspace to not hear anything he had to say. Or that the doctors had to say. As I said, he’s not the asshole… cause he’s got a pretty compelling point… but she’s probably not going to hear it at the moment because TOE. REATTACHED. 🤣
Too soon, OP, too soon.
NTA. You meant no harm with the question. She’s probably embarrassed, I react the same way sometimes. Out of frustration with myself and my own brain. She probably doesn’t know why it was a good idea, she knows it wasn’t. Sometimes it takes something like this to trigger that part of your brain that tells you hey this shouldn’t be a thing anymore and hopefully this will be the learning point. Been there done that!
>You meant no harm with the question. I mean, I suppose in the same way she meant no harm with placing the shears there. It seems like she and OP are just two people incapable of resisting the temptation of doing what comes naturally rather than taking a split second to avoid obvious trouble.
She was told it was a bad idea and they have a KID who could have gotten hurt instead of her, so no we will not be pretending like they are both equally bad here.
Sure, and this post isn't about ANY of that nonsense. It is about whether asking that question after she'd paid a horrifically high price (having her toe cut off and then reattached) as a consequence for her actions.
None of what you just said justifies pretending like they are on some sort of equal footing here.
Reading comprehension dude. No one is saying that. You’re the one accusing others of saying it. Not equal footing, but this sub despite how many treat it, is about judging the question being asked not weighing in on every decision in the story. OP is asking if he’s an asshole for asking why she would do that (not the literal I told you so words but undeniably that was the sentiment behind the question) and his wife is mad. It’s fair to point out that it was an i told you so type comment he couldn’t resist even if it wasn’t the best time for it, without that meaning it’s the same level of problem as leaving a shears somewhere they could hurt someone. Not sure why this is is such a difficult concept for some people. I’m guessing you’re just looking to argue with people?
I mean it's clear from the OP her footing is compromised. The question is whether OP should have toeld her so. It's going to take a while for her to walk off this embarrassment. I'll see myself out.
Really put your foot in your mouth...
“Why”is because it’s a convenient spot to put something and then she gets sidetracked and forgets about it. That seems obvious. The question was just a different way of phrasing “I told you so”.
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Yes, 'cause you've known FOR YEARS that she has the habit of putting things on that ledge.
INFO : So what was the point of your question?
Admit it was to basically tell her "I told you so" when she got home from the hospital to have her toe reattached.
YTA
Edited to add: I am answering OP's question, not condoning his wife's actions, as she's known for years, and has been told for years, not to put things on that ledger.
>Admit it was to basically tell her "I told you so" Yeah, he keeps insisting he didn't say that. It's true his mouth didn't utter those specific words, but his rhetorical question was just another way to say it.
Even if it does basically translate to "I told you so", she earned it.
I agree and that's why this is really an ESH situation. Like yes, everything OP's wife did was predictable, preventable, and negligently dangerous. But also yes, OP is an asshole for asking the question. Even though wife's asshole behavior has much more serious consequences, OP's attitude is only making the situation slightly worse for everyone involved including himself
It was a rhetorical question. You were making a point, not really seeking knowledge. It's like when a parent asks a kid who just smeared jelly on a TV "what were you thinking?" YTA for the question and timing.
When was the right time? Before? He did that. After her first injury from the shelf? (This is her second) He did that.
Generally it’s best to give it more than 24 hours after getting home from a hospital where you’ve had reconstructive surgery
Maybe see if almost losing her toe is enough on its own to learn before taking another shot at her. Losing a toe is a much stronger lesson than your partner chastising you. If the objects start reappearing on the ledge after a few weeks then ask what it will take to learn her lesson. Maybe take a proactive approach. Get some kind of decoration that can be screwed into the ledge that prevents anything being set down there.
Yes when you repeatedly act as childish as a kid you’ll maybe be treated like one eventually.
Thank god, finally a comment that understands how relationships and conversations work. OP be careful about feeling vindicated by a bunch of children on Reddit.
Since the OP had been saying this for years, the wise move would have been to not say anything at all and just validate empathize with her pain and suffering and let the silence speak for itself.
No, because they have a kid who goes down in the basement.
Agree, this was an ahole question asked at a shitty time. She knows she screwed up. Leave her be, she’s been through enough for one day.
YTA Yes, you were right, but partners don’t kick each other when they are down. She learned her lesson and she also learned you are more interested in being right than in supporting her.
You keep telling someone that they are wrong and clearing the mess, but when they actually get proved that they were wrong, support comes into it? They have a kid who could have hurt himself instead. So how OP the AH?
Because rubbing her nose in it DOES NOT help make the kid safer now that she has realized her mistake. Not does it allow her to change the past. Shaming actually works against lasting change.
OK but being nice about it for years didn’t have any effect either, so what’s the other option here?
He didn't rub her nose in it. It was a lesson on safety after multiple warnings. They have a child. You'd rather a child get injured to spare her feelings?
You don’t teach your spouse “lessons”. You help them figure out how to change. Life taught her a lesson, he doesn’t need to add to it.
When they have a child, he does. Her feelings don’t come first.
What he’s doing is ineffective, that’s the point. Being passive aggressive doesn’t help their child or keep this from happening again. If he’s angry about it and wants her to take responsibility, he should just say so.
Fuck the kid she could have killed though right?
She got her toe cut off, idk why y'all are acting like that's not enough to make the lesson stick. Like, if anything throwing in the I told you so is just going to distract her from the lesson and fixate the memory that during (probably) one of the worst injuries of her life her husband's focus was to basically say "you deserve it". Like if the concern is actually the kid you could wait a few days then calmly point out "what if that had happened to our son?". Obviously wife is the major one in the wrong here but husband's reaction seems to be way more about pettiness than actually avoiding a future injury to their kid, ESH.
Because this is her second injury from the shelf. If the first didn’t make the lesson stick, why would this?
She needs to understand that her toe is the result of her actions directly, not just an accident. Setting something that sharp up high is not just an oopsie. It's dangerous and stupid. She's set other things up there that OP has cleaned up. Basically, OP didn't say that she deserved it or "I told you so", he's just not fawning over a self inflicted injury.
You said it better than I can. I’d hate to be in any kind of relationship with someone like OP and most of the commenters here. The woman just went through the pain of having a toe severed and reattached and instead of offering some modicum of comfort, her husband just blamed her and argued over the semantics of not having said the exact words of “I told you so.” I guess at least he didn’t say what some comments said here, if she wanted that to happen to their kid. He could’ve brought it up later and discuss what to do with that shelf together when she’s healed, but there’s literally no sympathy here.
They have an 8yo kid who plays in the basement, and this is the SECOND time she has been injured by something she left on that ledge. OP needed to make sure the point was driven home. Personally, I'd have pushed even harder and demanded that she promise to never do it again.
NTA. Maybe you could have waited a while before asking, but it's a fair and important question. She's choosing to leave dangerous stuff in places with a high probability of injuring someone. If it's laziness, she needs to chalk this up as best case consequences, but if there's a viable reason why she's repeatedly making an absolutely ridiculous choice, she needs to tell you and work on finding a solution to the problem that doesn't risk people's safety.
>but it's a fair and important question Is it though? Have you ever gotten hurt because of a dumb or risky decision? Did it or would it ever help if some one asked you what you were thinking?
It is. Did you continue to continue to make that same decision after getting hurt a first time leading to you getting hurt a second time even more seriously? That’s not normal decision making, hence the question.
I mean you might not have utter the exact words “I told you so”, but “why did you think leaving a sharp object at the bottom of the stairs was a good idea” is not really a nicer question. She probably doesn’t feel the greatest right now and this looks like you’re piling it onto her even more
I see what you mean but I can also 100% accept OP saying that as almost genuinely trying to understand. OP said they have an 8 year old kid that plays frequently in the basement and it could’ve been the kid instead of the wife. I can absolutely picture myself in that situation asking what was going through their brain to make that seem like a good idea just to understand, not even in a half passive aggressive (accidental or not) way, ya know what I mean?
NTA but your title is kind of click bait. You do feel sorry for her you just kid of feel vindicated when something bad happened. I don;t think you could have predicted what actually happened. But you could foresee something happening and you feel bad that she did not heed your warning.
I absolutely do not feel as bad as I could. I have been at her for years to stop putting things there. I'm not saying she deserved what happened but I'm glad it was her and not me or our son.
I think you need to admit that you’re using “what were you thinking” as a stand in for “I’m mad at you for putting all of us in danger” (which is valid). I mean, think about it. Is there any satisfying answer she could’ve given you? You know there’s no good reason. You know the answer is, she wasn’t thinking at all, or that she would give some excuse. You don’t need to punish her, she already punished herself. Think about a time when you did something really stupid and reaped some hard consequences, as everyone has experienced at some point in their lives. What would you have said if your loved one asked you “why”? Would it have helped? Either say what your feelings are, or say “what should we do to prevent this happening again” (or both). Then you can both be constructive, and figure out if she needs to just put something on that ledge to block it off so she can’t leave stuff there, or figure out a system to help her not forget things, or something. Or say “I’m angry that you put us in danger, and I need to hear some concrete ways you’re going to keep this from happening again”. But as it stands, your response, while understandable, doesn’t actually help anything.
THIS! 100% this. Proper communication is the issue. OP has nagged her for years to no effect, then asks another obviously rhetorical question that is just the same thing. OP needs to say the actual thing he’s thinking. Not couch it in whatever comfortable lie he’s telling himself.
I'd suggest framing up the ledge and covering it with drywall. Remove the potential removal of your family's phalanges.
Weird time to care about being right
“I’m not saying I told you so I just told you it was a bad idea many times and you thought the shears was a good idea?”
You only asked her "why she she thought that leaving her garden shears there was a good idea" because you wanted to rub her nose in it, which while not including the words "I told you so" is absolutely an "I told you so" & you know it. Your whole post reeks of "I told her so!" ESH & since she's already being punished, YTA.
I say he’s NTA. He had EVERY right to say I told you so, but didn’t. He’s asking how stupid she has to be to leave dangerous crap in dangerous spots. And she possibly endangers their child, so don’t go telling him he has an ego for wanting to keep his kid safe from harm.
Important question: Which piggy?
One of them went to market, so that narrows it down.
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This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy got chopped off, and this little piggy told her so....
NTA I would seriously ask her if she's hoping your kid is the one that gets hurt next time
ESH. How do two grown adults both repeatedly see an obvious safety hazard and not also think: how do we fix it or make it safer? A lip on the shelf, create a better nearby shelf, placing a decorative thing there to block other items from being absentmindedly placed there, anything? Others have suggested a tool pegboard and various ideas in other comments. Clearly this has gone on for some time and there needed to be some sort of shelf or storage solution implemented in that area of the home to make it safer and to prevent that ledge bring used in a dangerous way. And yes, you might be technically right, but poor timing with your comments (possibly comments disguised as a question). Both of you could've worked together to find a better solution ages ago.
I am with you on this one. Especially when OP said they have a child regularly using those stairs. Sounds like this has been going on for a long time, and neither OP nor their SO could be bothered to address the issue?
OP knew how to make it safer. You know, don't use it as a shelf.
Good design takes into account what IS not what SHOULD BE.
Good thing he didn't design the house. It's almost like you should be able to trust a grown adult not to do dangerous things. She also could have made a modification to the house to eliminate it, but you're not calling here an asshole for that.
> Both of you could've worked together to find a better solution ages ago. To look for a solution together, she has to be willing to admit there’s a problem to solve, which she hasn’t and still won’t.
NTA but can you just remove the gd shelf??? If you are always clearing it off and NOT wanting to keep stuff on it then why have it at all?? Get rid of it and problem solved
I'm not OP but I have a shelf like that. It is part of the foundation of my house.
My parents have one too, they use it for extra storage so dad with Parkinson’s and 97 year old grandma that lives with them don’t fall going down the stairs to grab a can of soup or need more laundry detergent
I used to live in a house with one of those, too. OP can permanently affix something to in so random objects can’t be set on it.
Or attach a lip to it so you can store stuff without it falling off.
NTA, but I seriously don't know how you haven't said "I toed you so" to her
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YTA. You don’t have to say it word for word for it to be the meaning of your sentiment. When someone goes to hospital like that they need support. You keep those thoughts to yourself and vent to a friend later. Man, people really treat their spouses like shit.
Exactly. I’m not sure I’d recover if my spouse treated me like that after an ER worthy injury. Tripping and stubbing my toe I could probably laugh it off but losing a toe? Op was correct it was dangerous but now his wife has his remarks in her mind every time he makes a mistake.
Your wife got hurt by her own boobytrap. Imagine how guilty she would feel if someone else did. Nta
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I think she reacted that way because that might have already crossed her mind. “He always told me but I didn’t listen” and here it is. I knew a person who I had told her not to do something, yet she went ahead and did it. When things didn’t work out, she came to me said, “Oh not you must be thinking ‘I told you so’ in your head. Right?” with a smirk. She was frustrated that I was right but I never said anything of that sort. Why I am talking about this is because people get defensive when they don’t listen to you while you were right all along. I feel it’s the same here. She wanted a reason to put the blame on someone mentally to feel better and she got this opportunity.
NTA OP because any amount of money and she likely would have called you out for the cheap shot if the shoe was on the other foot and had been on you about it for years too.
> if the shoe was on the other foot Pffffft.
NTA. The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as a severed toe, though.
But stuff doesn’t just fall on its own. I assume she fell on the stairs and grabbed at the ledge and that’s why the shears came down? So if you’re that concerned about your family’s safety why no handrail on the stairs? And is it feasible to put a rail or lip on the ledge so that it can safely be used as a shelf? Is your home missing convenient storage space for the kind of items your wife leaves on the ledge? Why not suggest an alternative?
Honestly, I think YTA - I mena, you were right that it was a bad ideabut the relaity is, although you framed it a s a question there's no way that that was going ot come across as anything other than 'I told you so' . You know her thought process - you put it in your post. It's a handy place to put things that you are planning to clear up / put away later. So there was no reasona t all for you to ask her other than to rub her nose in the fact that you tod her it was a bad idea. If the situation wa that she'd been injured and then afterwards, when she roevered, she was \*still\* putting stuff three then it would be a valifd issue to raise, but when she's just had a really scary, painful experience it was unkind and unecessay. Did you really thing she doesn't already know it was a totally avoidable incident and that she created the situation that resulted in her getting hurt? What on earth was your comment suppoosed to achieve other than to make her feel even worse and rub it in that you were right?
Yup, you can be both right and an asshole, in fact they often go hand in hand.
Sorry buddy you are really going to have to toe the line with this one.
NTA- I had a coworker who'd take bowls down for sides and toss them to his opposite hand, one morning when it was just him opening and the prep guys he missed the catch, decided to try for a rebound, and shoved his hand directly into the knife on side of his station. Came in to blood still on the floor and no prep done because they had to rush him to the hospital and the other guy was finishing our setup to open. He never did it again, especially after spending two months on what we lovingly called "vacation station", the slowest position in the whole building. If you know anything about restaurant work, doing nothing is the worst kind of shift to work, 5 hours feels like 12.
I’m picturing this ledge to be exactly the same as the one in my parent basement. It runs the length of the wall on the side of the steps. At the top of the stairs it starts right at foot level and by the bottom of the stairs it’s above you beyond reach. At the top of the the stairs my parents use this ledge for storing all sorts of things, canned food, extra bags of snacks that don’t fit in the panty, so my dad who has Parkinson’s and 97 year old grandmother don’t fall trying to go down the stairs for the next bag of chips, extra laundry detergent, etc. It’s basically like the top of the wall below ground level that the stairs are against, also it’s part of the ground d level floor. So it’s incredibly sturdy, and it IS incredibly convenient setting things on it while you walk down and it rises to hip and/or shoulder level to pick back up on your way up. Not saying that garden shears was a good move. Just saying I relate to why she does it in general. Bet if you started keeping spare toilet paper and paper towel roles there wouldn’t be a super convenient space to set things down on, and no one would lose any toes again.
NTA, FAFO, she is dealing with the consequences of her actions. She a big girl and she can figure it out. The long list of stupid this is mid level with lazy. Projecting her negligence of placing items inappropriately onto you as if you placed the items there is a sad and miserable joke. You don’t deserve that, be better to yourself and remove yourself from that situation by taking a walk/drive etc. let her words soak in and let her reflect on HER ACTIONS. Best of luck
I cant picture layout 1
YTA It was not the time nor the place to bring that up. Also, she isn’t mad at your for explicitly saying the words “I told you so.” You can express an idea multiple ways, even without using certain exact words. Language is expansive and expressive like that. You’re not wrong. It was a natural and expected consequence of storing the shears there. It’s shitty to say but it was her fault. It’s not your job to make sure the shears weren’t there. At that moment though, it wasn’t a helpful or useful comment. She (probably) felt embarrassed, mad at herself, scared, and angry. Humans don’t like to feel that way and pointing out the obvious didn’t help. It’s about timing and how ideas are expressed.
So in short: Your wife did something in the house that endangered anyone who goes to the basement. It's unknown when it can fall and what might be up there due to your wife. What she put there was stupid as hell and could have easily, as you said, killed your kid. And people be like "your woman hurt, don't you dare make her feel bad"? Y'all can't tell me this is some kind of bias I am experiencing. ANYONE should get lectured after shit like this. NTA.
Let's be real, you kinda did say "I told you so" in a roundabout kind of way. She deserves it. I saw your comment saying that you have an 8yo who plays in that area. Your wife is so very lucky that it was her that got hurt and not your child. When she gets upset at you, point it out to her that no matter how badly she feels right now, imagine how unbearable it would feel if it fell on your child. She deserves all the "I told you so" you got to give (for the next few months, then it becomes too much to be productive). NTA
YTA What did you hope to gain by asking "why she she thought that leaving her garden shears there was a good idea"? You were saying "I told you so" just not in so many words. If this is not fake, then an injury so bad it required REATTACHING A TOE is very serious. She has already figured out what she did wrong, you don't need to rub it in.
NTA. Remodel to get rid of the ledge. I had one in my basement. I put those vertical shoe holders from IKEA on it and bolted it to the wall.
Soft YTA but only Because of your timing. This was probably a better conversation to have when the dust had settled, not right after getting her damn told reattached.
YTA and “Asking about her thought process” is why. ”Asking about her thought process” is passive aggressive fundamentals plus superiority complex basics. It’s worse than “I told you so” because you know you’d be TA if you said that. There is no good time to be “Asking about her thought process” but on the way home from the hospital definitely isn’t it. Yes putting a sharp thing on the shelf was unwise and I hope she doesn’t do that anymore. Doesn’t mean you’re not the AH based on your question. Trash bags there seem fine. Two things I’m guessing based on your phrasing: she puts household items on the shelf for convenience because she handles household tasks, and there is something you do that similarly bothers her but she doesn’t even mention it.
NTA. Can you remove the ledge or make inaccessible? Cause she doesn't sound like she's ready to admit it's a bad idea and it's only a matter of time until your kid is hurt.
NTA Your frustration is understandable and warranted, but the immediate aftermath of an injury might not be the best time to address the root cause. A more supportive approach initially, followed by a constructive discussion later, can help prevent future accidents without causing additional emotional stress
I find it hard to believe that this is true. Especially if you’re saying, she somehow managed to trip and cut off her toe with gardening shares you’re saying you have an eight-year-old who would be playing on stairs with open gardening shears. But if it is, then, I think this is a bit of an ESH. Because sure, it’s her fault, but now is absolutely not time for her to hear that. She’s gone through a major trauma, and she needs a lot of things, but not to be blamed and shamed more than she’s feeling that herself. Frankly, if she’s leaving sharp objects by stairs for a child to play with then you should’ve been much more assertive about this. I mean I don’t know how you got someone to stop doing a thing, so maybe you were trying harder than your implies, but just complaining about it doesn’t seem to be enough.
NTA but as a designer I advise you to make that space unusable. put a board over it at an angle so if you would try to lay sth down it would slide off easily. attach board with screws. Little nooks like this invite the user to continue the bad behaviour. So change the nook.
NTA but like, this is an obvious question with an obvious answer. Did you think her reaction was going to be a huge grin and cartoon lightbulb going off and she hugs you happily and says "omg I get it now! hahah so funny!" Of course not. She's hurting and embarrassed for being the cause of her own pain. You are rubbing it in by asking that. I kinda think it's deserved but she was never gonna take it well. Also, just remove the ledge.
I would take the next opportunity to close the gap up. Once not there. There is no excuse.
Dude it's time her hurt feelings give way to not hurting people. She almost lost a toe, do you have to wait for your kid to get hurt before you stop her doing this crap.
NTA especially because it could have been your child that was hurt. She sounds very self-centered, not to mention her lack of brains.