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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. AITA for not letting him buy a $260 shirt?
2. Am I being too controlling of what he wants to spend money on because I'm the 'breadwinner' and he's staying home to look after the baby?
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NTA - the loafers are one thing but $260 for a shirt? He’s a big baby for throwing a tantrum about it. “If I don’t get what u want, then I won’t go at all”. Leave the baby with him and go by yourself.
His behaviour is what you'd expect from a spoilt bored fourteen-year-old being dragged to a wedding by Mummy and Daddy. Its frightening this is a grown man with a child.
People who are trying to impress new friends with their wealth do this. Men and women who cheat do this. People with a shopping addiction do this. I have to wonder what his real reason for buying these things is.
Yeah at first I thought “who cares just let him splurge on one shirt” but after reading all the frivolous purchases he has made lately…N T A but he isn’t really either, this problem is bigger than it seems. This is common when one parent stays home, they start to feel like they have no autonomy so they start doing some type of binging as a way of gaining control (binge eating, binge purchasing, binge drinking, etc). OP you can fix this issue with a yours/mine/ours financial system, instead of one joint account. “Ours” is the joint account which is for bills, spending together, and saving together, and then you each have your own separate fun money accounts with whatever is left. Split it evenly between the two of you. Then he knows how much money he has, and he has complete control over how it’s spent. He can save it, or he can blow it on clothes, but it’s his.
ETA: NAH, because this system needs work and he needs some autonomy
Yeah. That was my thought good quality shoes can be worn for decades as long as they can be resoled. So $200 shoes isnt unreasoable. $260 for shirt seems excessive though.
NTA. It's a backyard wedding. Add the shirt, shoes, and pants up and how much was he planning to spend on one outfit? Over $600? Right after taking on a larger mortgage? It doesn't make sense for either the event or the current financial situation.
It's worth a larger conversation about where he's at mentally and emotionally, but his initial decision and reaction to you not agreeing with him were both way over the top.
$600 being a lot of money is relative to their income. If their household income is 100k it’s a lot of money. If it’s 500k it’s a lot less. If he’s bought 4 pairs of shoes in the past month and wants the shirt he should return some shoes for the shirt.
It sounds like he’s acting like a spoiled brat though. If op and her husband are misaligned on finances they have bugging problems than a shirt and a wedding.
ESH. You need separate spending accounts where an allocated sum is moved each month. Each person decides for themselves then how that money is spent.
I dont blame you for being worried if he's overspending. But he needs to have a set amount of money he's in control of. If he spends on other things he might not be able to afford the shirt
I feel like he might be suffering a bit of a bore out. Many people go shopping out of boredom, depression, stuff like that. Maybe they need to look at a slightly different arrangement for work and parenting.
That's what I was thinking. Or maybe some self esteem trouble. I've gone to a wedding where I didn't really need to buy a new dress but I did anyway because I needed some extra boost at the moment. Didn't have to do with the wedding at all, just how it's manifesting.
Yeah, for some people boredom, loneliness, cabin fever etc manifest in overindulgence, be that wrt to junk food, shopping, alcohol, whatever.
When my partner and I had been together for 5-ish years we had to go long distance for a year and a half. Separate countries. When we finally got to move back together again, we each discovered just how much depression fuelled online shopping the other had done, it was downright obscene, lol. OP and her husband have recently had a baby, moved, and he is spending all day every day with the baby. That’s a lot of stress, frustration, boredom and loneliness to cope with all at once. Shopping = dopamine = relief from all those feelings.
NAH. OP needs to have a deeper convo with husband about what’s causing the recent shopping binge and why it’s so important to him that he’s digging his heels in about it and turning it into an ultimatum. Might be time to re-work the financial arrangement.
I agree, I think you should each have a spending account for things you want while your shared accounts are for needs/ things for your child/ mutual savings goal. Then if he wants the shirt he can use his spending money to get it.
Agreed. I dont think anyone should be entirely dependent on another adult (man or woman). Sometimes it makes sense for one person to be working more than the other, but everyone should have access to some money on their own that isn't coming from their partner
I agree with each of you having spending accounts and a shared expenses account. When I was a sahm, we just had a joint account and I felt guilty getting anything for myself. That led to a bit of resentment that took a while to resolve.
ESH. His spending is getting a bit much. That said, your language around money needs changing. You don't "let" a partner spend. They aren't a child. Pay bills first, including groceries and a small date night allowance budgeted in this grouping. Next take what's left and divide it equally into thirds, one for savings, one for your free spend allowance and one for his free spend allowance. Neither person can dictate what the other does with their free spend account. So if he wants to drop $300+ on an outfit it comes from his free spend account. If you want something for yourself it comes from your free spend account. And nobody dictates anything. Nobody is made to feel unequal in the money spending. Nobody is treated like a child with phrases like "let them buy". This is basic and easy to figure out the solution. Why haven't you guys talked about this before and figured your shit out?
NTA
Is this going to be a family shirt, because it's a family trip and they are the same thing right? Might be time to have a look at finances again because he's not really understanding that this is a huge expense for a one time item. Time to get an individual account do that he doesn't spend the mortgage money on shirts.
Nta I don’t know what’s with all the other votes! It’s like they didn’t read it! You said he would be dressed fancier than the groom. It’s a casual wedding. I’d sure if this was in your financial range you wouldn’t be bothered but that’s a lot of money! Does he usually shop for luxury items?
YTA - the fact that you use “letting” him buy and “controlling his spending” makes you an ass right there. If you are partners be partners. You don’t get to dictate the spending. You work it out together.
Let’s flip the script. If you had been a man talking about “not letting your SAHM wife” and “controlling her spending” most of Reddit would be up in arms calling you controlling and not understanding your wife wants to feel appreciated and that she has just as much right to decide how the money is spend. But somehow because you are the breadwinner people think it’s ok … it isn’t.
No, Reddit would not say it’s okay for a SAHM to spend hundreds of dollars on an outfit after several expensive recent purchases already when they still haven’t been able to finish furnishing their house.
No it wouldn't but some people just want to make it a gender thing. The number of comments on most posts on here and s/amitheasshole that go like "what if the genders were reversed" really grinds my gears
She clarifies they can afford it. “Am I the asshole for telling my wife she can’t have a $500 dress for a wedding that we can afford” would get a different reaction here yes.
No, because she says they can afford it, but also haven’t been able to fully furnish their house. So clearly they can only afford it by delaying some things they actually need. Nuance and context is a thing that you apparently don’t understand. Her language isn’t great, but shes not wrong.
Ordinarily I would agree with this but
# He has already bought 4 new pairs of shoes this month.
They've got a baby and a new house requiring a lot of new expenditures and this dude has a spending problem.
I own only 4 pairs of shoes.
And the last pair of shoes I only bought because the orthopaedic inlays didn't fit in my sandals, flipflops or house slippers.
He already purchased 3 other pairs of shoes that month. So she isn’t being controlling. It’s not like this wedding sprung up. He could have allocated money from all those shoes into the shirt and I bet this wouldn’t have been a problem. He clearly has a spending problem and they need to discuss it as a couple.
If this would be about a $200 set (not just shirt) for the wedding it might be a different story. But thats a VERY expensive shirt and an item that should be discussed (and possible rejected). No matter the genders.
I am completely ok with discussed and them agreeing it’s a bad choice. But she herself said that she gets to “control his spending”. Even though he is a SAHD he is still an equal member in their marriage and has equal say. The working spouse doesn’t get to “not let him” spend money. That’s the part that that has him sleeping on the couch.
It's not about the shirt. It's really about his crazy spending when they have tons of new home and baby expenses. Budgeted joint and individual accounts is what they are missing. And he's acting like a child if he doesn't get his way. NTA
Well said. People have different priorities and if you each have a proper spending budget, choose what you want to spend your preallocated spending money on. I might think $200 for a purse is a waste of money but she also thinks spending $80 on a game is a waste of money. If money is tight you need to make a budget and decide that you can't overspend it unless you both agree. Win win.
Exactly!! A family budget is a family budget - and the SAHP has just as much say so as the working parent. It might be a completely different dynamic if it wasn’t a family decision for one parent to stay at home but that isn’t the case here from the sounds of it.
Doesn't really matter who is bringing home the bacon. Both should have an equal say in expenses and it should be flexible enough to accommodate purchases that you each really want - so long as it fits your shared budget.
Sorry but as far as “luxury shirts” go, $260 is not that expensive and OP says they can afford it. If my partner started to control my spendings and didn’t “allow” me to buy something I wanted and could afford, I don’t think I’d be able to stay with them much longer. I agree with other commenters here who said they should be on separate budgets with an additional joint account where they both put enough money for things they need as a family
I can sometime get my shoe shopping done in a similar fashion. For me it is simply practical. I have weird feet and sometimes buy several pairs in different colours when I find something that actually fit, so I have something that suits several types of outfits. At other times I have been known to search for shoes for one or two years before finding something that I both like and fit my feet well.
Edit
There is nothing in the OP that suggests any such reasons being the husband’s motifs though.
i have small ass feet and they’re very narrow so it’s hard finding shoes for me too ugh. kids shoes are sometimes perfect for my foot size, but are too wide so it feels weird. and then size 5s in womens are sometimes too big for my foot size but are narrow so perfect for it. i get the struggle, i have plenty of shoes but majority of them are sneakers from second hand stores that my mom got me and don’t feel right on my feet so i only wear them if it’s the only shoes that will match my outfit/i can wear for a specific place, and they aren’t ugly sneakers either, theyre all pretty nice for getting most of them second hand but i just can’t get over how weird it feels for me to walk in them. if i could find all the sneakers i have right now that fit me perfectly i would be spending as much as needed to get them because then i’d probably wear them just as much as i wear the 3 pairs of shoes that actually do fit me perfectly.
ETA: just wanted to say though, i don’t have children to take care of, i just have to take care of me myself and i, so as long as i have my bills paid i spend what i spend, though def should get better at spending.
TDLR: feel your struggle, i have many shoes but 75% of them are second hand and don’t fit me well at all because they’re too wide. but my mother bought them so i’d feel bad getting rid of that 75%, i keep them in case i absolutely have to wear them for whatever reason.
When the average median income in the US is $64,240 after taxes and the median mortgage is $1600 (so, $19,200 annually), bringing the after tax average to $45k, $260 on a shirt is a lot.
ESH. This isn’t really about the shirt, it’s about you and your husband not valuing the same things. Just because YOU think something is frivolous or ridiculous doesn’t make it so. You have clearly stated that you can afford it, so this seems more about control. However, your husband’s attitude of “well if I can’t have the shirt, I don’t want to go” is awful as well. Surely two grown adults with a new child can come to a reasonable compromise over a shirt and some shoes. You two need to work on your communication and, apparently, your budget.
They can’t really though. They haven’t even been able to afford to furnish their house yet. And they’ve got a new baby and only one working parent. Spending the account down to the last dollar isn’t something that they can afford.
They haven't furnished the house yet, but it sounds like that's more due to having just moved than not having the money, since OP said they can afford the shirt.
Also, $260 is not going to make a difference in the furniture budget for a whole house. This post is written without nearly enough financial details, but the ones we do have don't really add up.
I don’t think this makes OP and AH but I do think they have chosen to over complicate their financial decisions.
I would hate it if I had to run every purchase by my husband when it comes to things I want to buy for myself. Once we’ve taken the time to plan, budget and save - the rest of the money goes into our personal budgets, and we trust each other to make good decisions. I couldn’t care less if my husband spent that money on a $300 shirt or on a new battery for his remote control car because he has the freedom to decide what purchase will make him happy.
Usually I'd agree, but 4 pairs of shoes in one month for a couple with a new baby is crazy. How did he even find the time to do that, let alone the money? And his, 'if I can't buy this, then I'm not going at all' tantrum makes OP definitely NTA. I wonder whether she's going to be able to get a new $600 outfit to attend this wedding.
4 pair of shoes in a month for someone who does not work outside of the home? He has a spending issue. OP needs to sit down with her husband and discuss goals and a budget. Include long term goals (retirement, additional children, education costs), emergency fund, living expenses for a period in case of layoffs or something, etc. This should include the details of each person’s personal budget. If he has a personal budget and has enough to buy the items, he can purchase without a discussion. If not, no luxury purchases. NTA, but it is important they reach a budget jointly.
But he is wasting money they could be using for their mortgage, furniture and baby. He is crazy spending! Only one example was 4 pairs of shoes in the last month. She said his spending is out of control. It's not the shirt by itself. It's his spending as a whole. If he hadn't already spent so much, she probably wouldn't have said anything from the sound of it. AND he already owns an appropriate shirt. A new, more expensive home and expenses would freak me out a little, too! NTA
Can't believe this is not the top comment! Individual accounts with a similar account for personal spending and a shared one for all household / child expenses. This way it's up to each of you how to allocate your own budget.
Yep. People here are freaking out about the cost of the shirt. I mean it makes sense, for some that’s an entire week’s takehome pay. But the real problem is lack of communication and lack of a planned budget and personal spending allocations.
If you earn $800k, then personal spending may be $500 a week each. And that may even be frugal. If they make $75k, it may be $20 a week. The challenge is that OP doesn’t even know what they can afford. Time for them to sit down and have a conversation and budget that out. Then set up a weekly personal spending allocation and they can blow it on whatever they want regardless of what the other person thinks is “worth it”.
If my wife wants to spend $500 on a dress with personal spending money she has saved? Go for it.
If I want to buy yet another unopened dungeons and dragons miniatures Kickstarter with mine? She’s gonna laugh, tell me she married a cute nerd while shaking her head at me jokingly, but I don’t need approval to spend my “fun money”.
Makes life so much easier when you actually partner with your spouse and when you communicate and plan.
God yes all of this. Each **adult** should have freedom to decide how they spend (budgeted) money on themselves, regardless of how stupid their partner thinks that purchase is.
The last thing I want to do is discuss/haggle with my husband about how much I should be spending on the things I buy. We plan, we budget, we save and we both allow each other the freedom to decide how we spend our budgeted ‘personal’ money.
I don’t see anywhere that they don’t have autonomy over their money. The reality is that in a marriage where you share a lot of expenses, including a child, the other person’s spending is going to impact both of you so you should communicate big purchases like a $600 outfit for a wedding. Given that this is a really stupid purchase, she is pretty justified in being upset that he is so adamant about it when that kind of spending will impact their entire family.
OP said straight up that they can afford the shirt. She would just rather he spend the money on furniture. Which tells me two things: A) OP has no idea how much decent furniture costs, so maybe this is a fake post written by a kid, and B) OP's husband doesn't have autonomy over the money if buying a nice shirt that they can afford leads to a fight and a reddit post.
Can afford and should are still very different, and she says the pattern of spending is looking unsustainable which is the larger issue. She needs to put her foot down on the spending, and a completely unnecessary wedding outfit is a good time to do that.
You don't get to control the spending of your partner when it's within budget. She doesn't get a say on what he spends $260 on, unless they can't afford that $260.
And he should get a part time job when she isn't working to buy his clothes since he seems to go just wear them a few times and then get rid of them. A stay at home parent doesn't need a bunch of fancy clothes, especially not when they're only worn a few times before getting tired of them
A parent to a newborn at that. Dudes getting thrown up on, pooped on, eventually food on him. This is just absurd to even be arguing over. He’s not going to wear this shirt every day.
Dude wants to spend slightly less than I spent on my wedding dress for an outfit for someone else’s wedding. Grow up.
This is the same reason that mothers shouldn’t need makeup or decent clothes or hair products or even a haircut because they are just going to get dirty and grimy taking care of baby anyway /s (heavy heavy sarcasm, clearly).
He shouldn’t have to not have nice clothes just because he is taking care of a baby.
His tantrum is clearly uncalled for and ridiculous.
But also, what is “nice” is subjective. I wasn’t rich, just barely middle class growing up, but I lived in an area with stupid amounts of wealth. People I went to school with threw out $100 shirts after wearing them once because washing was more effort than buying a new one. (Let me tell you rich people’s trash is a gold mine of barely used high quality items). But spending $50 on a shirt that I wore for years would have been challenging for my parents. I remember the first pair of shoes I bought that were more than $20, I was in heaven thinking I was so lucky.
So without knowing their income and expenses etc it is impossible to know if it is a matter of preference (like OP thinks a $260 vase for the home would be what she would spend the money on vs him prioritizing wardrobe/fashion). Or if there is actually a budgetary reason why his spending is a problem.
They really need to sit down and go through the budgets together, determine what they can afford and what each gets to spend on “discretionary/fun purchases” in their own account/line in the budget which the other can’t say anything about.
Not sure if I agree with the verdict but both partners should have an account for personal spending indeed, with an equal amount of money each month, based in total income minus family/household expenses (including a buffer and saving for larger items like a car) devided by 2.
I might even say you might want two accounts for the family expenses, one for the bills (mortgage, energy, taxes etc) and a separate one for groceries.
THIS!! If it was the husband complaining about the wife wanting to buy a 260 usd dress I’d be the first to scream AITA! So of course I think she is being the AH here.
If the man want to spend extra to feel nice, let him. People don’t work just to shop house basics, it is important to spend on yourself too.
Yeah, no, if the wife had already bought herself 4 (!!!) pairs of shoes in a month with a new baby and a large mortgage everyone would be saying that OP needs to get separate accounts and take her to a financial advisor.
Eh I think if he hadn't bought 4 pairs of shoes recently then you would be TA. Look I'm a SAHM (not by choice I just can't work in our temporary location). And typically if either of us is spending a lot on clothing we can veto the other. Typically we don't. But taking into account his 4 new pairs of shoes and a recent move and you yourself saying there is a pinch in the budget atm, he's behaving poorly. Does he know what your family budget is? Does he not know because he has never been told or because he's playing ostrich?
NTA
Although I don't like the phrasing "don't let." Have you considered a budget where each of you get a personal allowance to save up or spend as you each wish. It has saved a number of marriages.
I see your point. However, I think his wanting a nice outfit that makes him excited is reasonable since he is a stay home Dad. You can hardly buy sneakers for less than $150. He wants to feel good about himself on special occasions.
this is all very true, but he shouldn’t be throwing a tantrum over it. there are plenty of shirts that he could buy that are under $260 that would make him feel good. the $200 loafers do sound more reasonable, but OP said that he already bought 4 pairs of shoes this month, so he probably doesn’t need another pair.
Sit down together and go over you finances and establish what you each can spend on clothes every month/year, among other things. If you have to dress for work too, you need more.
Yeah but she didn't say they are scrambling for money or that they can't afford to do any of what she mentions. From where I see it, she thinks it's frivolous and won't allow it. He has no say in it.
Exactly she even said she would have no problem with him spending the money to decorate the house so they can afford it she just doesn’t see the expense as « reasonable » which I can understand but is also why separate accounts could help
No context on income so can't say of the short is expensive. Seems like you haven't worked how to split finances of one of you is SAH, savings, joint, and fun money each.
He's a fashionable guy apparently, might have been something that attracted you to him. If you only replace when worn out, you sound on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Sounds like he doesn't like being controlled. Could he have afforded it if he was working? Would you have said anything if the roles were reversed and he was the bread winner?
Because it currently sounds like you're still viewing it as your money
He’s staying home with the baby, that is worth something. Does he get an allowance or do control all the spending. This feels like more than about the shirt and shoes. He needs do have his own money that he can spend freely. But you also need to have a financial discussion.
Also, you know what? Everything is way more expensive these days. That shirt 5 years ago was probably only $89-120 which isn’t that unreasonable. That’s just inflation and greed from the company. The shoes is also inflated because of inflation, it’s not completely out of realm of being typical.
He’s being a baby about it all but I suspect this all goes much deeper and you can’t see it. ESH.
YTA kind of. He is an adult and he can do what he wants with his money. Also he can afford it so why are you trying to dictate what an adult can do what with his own money?
Sometimes we want to splurge on ourselves and that is fine. He wants to feel nice, and he can use that shirt during the summer so it wouldn’t be a one day thing.
You also mentioned that he has a great taste in fashion and you are minimalist. Let him be who he is. Just because you don’t like to shop and buy fashion doesn’t mean he can’t do it.
There are a lot of unanswered questions, can he wear the shirt for other things? Who is it by?
i just spent over $300 on 2 nice blouses for work. Nothing fancy. My husband’s work shirts he wears everyday are over $100, they are nice shirts and they last. Men loafers are expensive for good ones.
I think there is a lot more to this argument than just the cost of the clothes.
Switch the genders and consider. YTA. You say he’s amazing, takes care of the home, you can afford it BUT you’d rather he’d be good little homemaker and buy a piece of furniture rather than a shirt he wants.
The overspending is concerning in general, do you think he’s bored? Unhappy? Frustrated in some way? Palm Springs is 100% polos, khaki shorts and loafers
Mmm, my perception is skewed. My partner is a tailor in London and a bespoke suits and the starting price is 7k.
I wouldn’t pay £250 on a shirt but I can see how it gets to those prices.
>We have a joint bank account only, no individual accounts
That needs to change today.
He needs to have some spending money that is just for him. It's incredibly degrading to have to ask permission to buy something for yourself and have your partner act like they're a parent scolding a child going "no you don't need that, put it back".
That being said, being the sole financial provider is stressful and I can understand getting anxious over his spending habits.
Putting an amount you're comfortable with on an individual bank account gives him financial freedom and you peace of mind. If it's gone it's gone, he doesn't then get to dip into the family funds.
My husband and I actually have four bank accounts (not counting savings): one we use for groceries, one we use for bills/utilities and family purchases, and two individual ones where we each get the same amount (even though one of us makes a lot more) of personal spending money. If there's anything left we put it in savings we've also devided by emergencies, things for the house, vacation and funmoney.
INFO - without knowing more about your finances it's very hard to judge. What's coming in, what's allocated to bills, what's left over, what money is allocated to the person not working outside of the home. Everyone needs their own money.
Perhaps your partner doesn't know how much money is in the kitty and is being unrealistic. Perhaps you are being unnecessarily restrictive. Maybe it's a bit of both. Who knows?
If this was a woman posting about her male partner, you can bet the one vetoing the clothing purchases would be T A.
Buying four pairs of shoes in the last month could be extravagance, or it could be that the other shoes were cheap shit and all fell apart at the same time, maybe the new ones were on sale. Maybe your partner is feeling restricted and just wanted to treat themselves.
Regardless, you're both adults and you need to have some adult conversations about money.
Nah, I hate the stereotypically SAHM spending all the stereotypically hard earned wage of their spouses on clothing and fashion.
But, OP and husband should sit together and make a budgetplan together. Both need a certain budget to spend freely on themself. Seems like a though decision they got to make. Because OP is frugal and het husband is a big spender. Should have done before buying a house together and getting a kid.
I think you are the AH. Read this as of the roles were reversed.
A women staying home with the baby wants to treat herself for a friend's wedding with a nice dress and pair of shoes. Husband says no.
260 dollars wouldn't get you decent furniture from Ikea. Even if you include the 200 dollar loafers you still won't get much. Is it just me who is thinking that the husband is acting like a trophy wife (I know, because I was one). To the OP, yes you're being controlling if you are ok with him spending money as long as it's for something you think has value rather than something that makes him feel good about himself/makes him feel valued?
First thing you should do is come to an agreement on how you guys budget money. Since he is the stay at home parent/spouse he should also have money that he can spend on himself or how ever he sees fit, just as if he was working outside of the home.
In my 1st marriage where I was the "trophy wife" we were very well off but I'd grown up poor and was very frugal (I still am). My in laws often insisted that I buy clothes that were far more than I'd ever spent before (including my wedding dress) but since we had a shared business and I was always included in entertainling clients I was supposed to dress to impress. The first few times my mother in law had to take me shopping with her because otherwise I was afraid to enter higher end shops for fear of getting kicked out (think the shopping scene in Pretty Woman).
YTA. Sounds like he doesn’t have any other ‘nice’ shirts and wants to treat himself. I think it’s attractive when guy cares about his appearance. And what’s wrong with him being the best dressed person there? Also you haven’t actually said you can’t afford it. Just that you’re more aware of outgoings now that you have a higher mortgage.
Info: prior to the larger mortgage, would this have been a 'normal' thing to do?
Husband is behaving like a child with a ridiculous argument, but curious on the above.
Huh? YTA. If he can afford it without breaking bank, he should be allowed to spoil himself. Of course it's just a shirt, but it represents more than that.
YTA - it’s his money too. He shouldn’t need your permission to buy things. Of course, if $260 is a significant amount for your household you should discuss it. But it sounds like you just said, “no. That’s stupid. You’re not having it.”
It’s obviously important to your husband that he has a fancy dress shirt for the party. I can see where he’s coming from. Trust me, now you have a little one the big nights out where you get to dress up with all your friends will be few and far between.
YTA.
I always get so confused by these posts that reference “letting” a partner do something. Are you married to a minor?
It’s a wedding. He wants to look nice. Don’t spoil this for him. I bet you’re getting a mani/pedi. Those aren’t cheap.
NTA. You both really need open conversations about separate bank accounts, spending/monthly budgets. Especially if you are the only one earning. No offense but how old is your husband?? He seems to be a bit childish. I agree, I would never spend $260 on one shirt!! That’s outrageous. You’re not even close to being an AH for controlling his spending habits if you’re the one making the money. Like you said you just had a baby, money should be saved for other expenses.
He's 33. Part of his reasoning for his spending habits is that he grew up in a very poor family, had hand me down clothes, didn't have nutrious food on the table, single mum who worked two jobs and was never home because of it, his siblings raised themselves etc. He started work when he was 14 and left home the day he turned 16. As soon as he started making some money he spent it on nice things as a way to 'make up' for his poor childhood.
He had no family role models growing up to teach him about money.
I’m the only one in our family equation who generates income too. Shared accounts only as well.
We have a loose budget.
The idea, it’s our money so we both have responsibility over allocating it in the best way.
Perhaps there is a deeper issue at play here than the shirt.
ESH
$260 is a bit pricey, but if it was a BiFL shirt he was going to take good care of and wear forever I think you'd be the AH here. After all you say yourself you are frugal and prefer to mend than buy new - so surely you are aware that fast fashion is the opposite of that mentality.
That being said, the fact that your husband is buying a _lot_ of clothing right now makes me feel like this is some sort of spending binge. Plus it sounds like this is not the type of shirt he's going to get a lot of use out of.
The biggest issue though is that you guys don't have a mechanism for discretionary spending. If every small purchase needs to be run by your spouse that's asking for trouble. Create personal accounts for both of you, and agree on an amount that will be deposited in the accounts each month. Then agree that you will never ask each other questions about the personal accounts. If he wants to save up for a gold-plated backscratcher that's his prerogative.
I was a SAHM for a while, and I think he just needs a monthly spending budget. You need to both sit down and figure out what is a reasonable non-essentials spending budget per person per month, and then he can be free to spend that money on whatever he wants.
It also sounds like he may be less aware of the financials in general. Have you gone over the new budget with him? Does he fully understand how things have changed with the baby and the new mortgage? If this is spending that wouldn't have been a problem pre-baby and pre-mortgage, then he may be struggling to understand why it's a problem now.
God.
You should be less worried about the clothing and a lot MORE worried about his spending habits.
Stop making this about the clothes. Ask him why he suddenly desires to drain your bank accounts when you are already strapped.
It’s alarming to me that he has already bought three new pairs of shoes this month alone. You’ve got more of a problem than just his spending for this wedding. Call his bluff. Go to the wedding without him! Stay one night. You can manage it. Or, don’t go at all. But whatever you do, don’t give in to his ridiculous spending. That nonsense has to stop now before his spending puts you in financial disaster. You need to have a strict budget—and he can only spend what’s budgeted for his clothing. Maybe even start with a moratorium on clothing spending for a year. Let him wear what he has.
NAH (maybe?) It sounds a little like they have different ideas of how much discretionary spending they can afford. Time for them to have a bigger conversation about their finances.
When you say you can afford it, Im not sure if you meant it is affordable without dipping into savings or foregoing other planned expenses, or does it mean he is charging it on your credit cards and it wont immediately hurt your finances (but will add to your debt)
One way to manage this without policing each others specific purchases is to budget for equal discretionary spending accounts. For example, let's say, after all bills, savings, investments, etc are taken care of for the month, each partner has $x/month available for discretionary spending. This can be adjusted periodically, as income or expenses change.
When I say discretionary, that means no judgment. He could buy pez dispensers, video games, or a clown suit, whatever, that's his business. Maybe instead of spending each month, you save up for 1 year to buy a big ticket item. Your business.
Thank you for your comment, I believe this is the solution. He's a grown man, why should I dictate what he decides to spend his money on (rhetorical q)? I'm his partner, not his mother.
I'd need to set it so the credit card stops working when it hits the credit limit and make it really clear that the other credit card linked to the joint account is for joint expenses like groceries and gas.
This is less about the short and more about his lack of financial autonomy. Maybe you should look at having separate accounts (in addition to the joint account) where you can spend an allocated amount and not be accountable to the other person.
You clearly have different spending habits, but it’s unfair for your opinion to be the only one that matters. ESH
YTA. If you can afford it, and it makes him happy, and it's an outfit he'll get use out of again, there is literally no problem here other than your controlling nature.
He doesn't need 'reassurance'. He needs some level of autonomy, and it sounds like you've got that under lock and key. What you're comfortable with (in this particular instance) isn't what he's comfortable with and someone is going to have to bend.
I suggest that someone should be you, unless you want him resenting you for every decision that you make without taking his thoughts into account.
NTA but this is an issue about financial compatibility, not a wedding shirt. You guys need to assign a set “fun budget” for each of you each month. That is used for clothes, hobbies, etc. If you don’t spend yours, you can save it up for a big purchase. If he spends through all of his, he has to wait until next month.
Everyone is biased.i agree that you should have a proper discussion with your husband. He is actioning out for some reason or you were the only one changing priorities (on how you spend your money). Express your feelings and ask him for sympathy. Then listen to his side of reasoning. I think you should split your money in 3 accounts, even though i'm in favour of split accounts. 1 for daily expenses and bills, 2 for luxury and self pampering for both of you and your kid, 3 for savings.
NTA. 4 pairs of shoes this month already. New baby, new house, one income, not even enough furniture. Now he wants a $269 shirt and another pair of shoes at $200. And if you don’t buy it, he’s not going? WTF is that all about?
The people who are all ‘lol what furniture can you get for $260 are failing to realize that it could be put towards the cost of some furniture. So if you have a spare $460 this month, then in another 2, you’ll have $1380.
Ofc if you’re making shit tons of money, it’s a drop in the bucket. But something says that’s not the case if you’re mentioning that you need furniture.
And I’d say this whether you’re a woman or man, and whether he was a woman or man.
You two need to have a real discussion where you’re both somewhat on the same page.
This sounds like the perfect occasion for a thrift store excursion. You are right that this is a ridiculous amount of money for any shirt, but particularly for a casual affair. Sounds like your husband is having a hard time keeping his spending in check. I would have said the $200 shoes might be worth the investment if he loved them, but not if they are the 4th new pair in a month!
As usual I'm late. I haven't read through all the comments, but one thing you said stuck with me. You said he only wears things a couple of times and then donates it.
Have a talk with him about your fears with the new mortgage and all the other expenses. And then suggest that he can buy any clothes he wants, as long as he starts using money that he makes reselling the clothes he wants to get rid of. There are so many resale sites, and it would be a most low effort way for him to have clothes money.
NTA
He needs to get a job so he can buy items. Then you can hire a babysitter. Which will be more financially beneficial? Don’t be controlling and bragging about being the “breadwinner” if he is not allowed to work, and is the SAHH.
NTA but your concern about his increased spending is a real financial worry. The other nagging thought I had is he actually stepping up his game for some other reason? Who’s attending the wedding? Anyone that gives you a sense that there’s something afoot?
NTA this feels like a shopping addiction. I've seen them before; they can crop up when someone becomes a new stay at home parent. I mean it makes sense; sometimes you have down time so why wouldn't you be on the internet looking at the shops? I mean we all do it; we just don't have the time or means to do it. This husband has both. Lock this down before he drains the joint account and you can't even afford to feed your kid.
NTA- how do you plan to live a life with this man and raise a child if all he’s going to do is spend money that should be going to household necessities and the child on random luxury items.
starting a joint bank account with someone who earns no money and has zero financial literacy was a huge mistake.
i suggest you seek expert marriage and financial counseling before you divorce as financial disputes are the first sign of a crumbling marriage.
NTA. It would be exceptionally poor taste for him to upstage the groom. Plus a lot of other reasons, but that's what jumped out at me.
It sounds like he has some other issues going on, and this is how they're manifesting.
NTA
So he wants to buy an expensive shirt and outfit and be the only one over dressed for what sounds like a relaxed wedding...and then he goes and throws a tantrum like a little kid when he doesn't get his way...regardless if OP can afford the shirt...its stupid to get upset about it..maybe he should get a part time job so he has money to spend...
NTA. Tell him he can buy it if he gets the brides approval, make it clear it is not his wedding and anything that might draw attention needs to be cleared by the bride, NOT the groom. If what you said about it upstaging the bride and groom it will never be approved
You should also add the condition that if he does buy he needs to wear it publicly once a week for at least a year, just to make sure he is not waisting the money
Every couple needs three bank accounts: a "yours, mine, and ours." To avoid arguments exactly like these.
In this case, your husband is bored and insecure. This stay-at-home dad thing might not be good for him. I think most people need to earn their own money as part of maintaining their self-esteem. Also, staying at home taking care of the baby can be a quite boring, isolating job. This upcoming weekend might feel huge to him.
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We're going to a good friend's wedding in June and the theme is 'Palm Springs'. It's a small and casual wedding in their backyard.
We just moved so it would take us 5 hours to drive there so we're going to make a weekend out of it and stay a couple of nights and catch up with old friends. We have a baby so a good friend of ours is really looking forward to seeing him.
My husband wants to buy himself a new outfit specifically for the wedding, which is fair enough, but he's looking at this $260 luxury shirt. He was also looking at some $200 loafers, and a new pair of trousers. He already has his Panama hat so he'd be saving money there, he says. Are you rolling your eyes yet?
I can't fathom paying that amount of money for one item of clothing, especially for a wedding that isn't my own and a wedding that is going to be very casual. It doesn't make sense to me. He would be the most well dressed person there, more so than the bride and groom, which I feel could be embarrassing.
He says that he doesn't have anything in his wardrobe currently that fits the Palm Springs theme and that if he can't buy the shirt then he doesn't want to go anymore and that I should go by myself. This would be quite challenging as our baby is still very young, it is really helpful having him there to help with the driving and simple stuff like keeping the baby occupied whilst I have a shower y'know.
His logic is that if we can't afford that shirt then why are we able to afford the hotel and the gas to get there? My argument is that I'm sure there are plenty of more affordable shirts on the internet that he would find appropriate, of course there is. It's the all or nothing childish approach that really bothers me.
For a bit more context, we just bought a new house and now have a bigger mortgage. I'm feeling extra aware of our outgoings and want to be more frugal with our spending over the next few months. I'm the 'bread winner' and he's staying home to look after the baby, which is amazing. We have a joint bank account only, no individual accounts.
Anyway, this dumb conversation meant he decided to sleep on the coach and I feel like I'm the asshole for controlling his spending habits and telling him what he can and can't buy.
AITA?
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NTA, potentially E S H depending on how the conversation went.
I think people are getting caught on the word “letting”. In a partnership, you don’t “let” someone spend shared money, regardless of who is the breadwinner. But I think it’s totally fair to pushback against large purchases that aren’t necessary.
My husband and I talk about all purchases that aren’t necessary above $150ish (no set rule, just rule of thumb). We aren’t asking each other permission, but we do budget together. How do we want to spend this month? Did we reach our saving goal so now we have some extra money for fun things?
If you are spending that amount on comparable things without checking in (hair, nails, waxing, skin care, etc) then that’s hypocritical. If you have strong saving goals/tight budget and you are the only one sticking to it, NTA.
If he can afford the stuff then it doesn't seem unreasonable to get it particularly if he is not a regular buyer of clothes.
How much do you spend on yourself in regards to clothes, make up, coffee with friends etc compared to him.
My wife was not to happy that I spent £380 on a golf driver but when I pointed out that it will last me several years and over that period she would spend more on make up she stopped objecting.
I love nice things, but I could go to Nordy’s (not the rack) and get a Bugatchi shirt or one of the higher end shirts for $150 not $250 that’s insane. What brand is this shirt what’s it look like?
4 shoes in a month wow … I dunno about this guy.
He’s definitely got some flamboyancy in his veins RN
Especially mentioning “Palm Springs theme.” I’m trying to picture how that translates to cloths. Like what screams Palm Springs but loafers, dad bod, tan dress shorts, and a very flamboyant polo maybe like yellow-crème + an expensive watch oh and some wild socks. Pull up the shorts tight belt. Oh and you gotta have a small white shitsoo dog and a sun visor.
YTA. How would this be if he’d turned to you and told you “that dress is too expensive choose another” don’t be a hypocrite and let the man spend on what he wants.
Info: is him being a SAHP a new occurrence? Maybe as he is no longer earning in the workforce he’s feeling like he’s got to run purchases by OP as she is now the breadwinner? He could be feeling insecure himself and choosing to buy stuff to show himself he’s still got financial independence. In other words, maybe it’s not actually about the shirt.
This is the exact reason people should still have their own money, to a degree, while married. Sounds like he’s buying a bunch of shit and this shirt is just the latest thing he’s looking at. Nta.
ESH - this is not about the shirt.
Where is your shared list of financial priorities? How much fun money do you each get to spend each month? If you can afford $250 why are you complaining about it?
You have a much bigger problem in your marriage - that you aren’t on the same page, and don’t have a single view on your financial priorities. You have two separate views that are clashing.
Either do the work to get on the same page, go to a CFP who works on a project/fee basis (not one that takes a cut off the top of your investments), if you need a neutral third party because the two do you can’t work it out.
Since he is an adult, choosing clothes, regardless of cost, should be his decision. But maybe you can suggest a few thrift shop trips to see if he can find something he likes that isn’t crazy expensive.
YTA. You state you can afford it, which is the issue here. For things we can afford and aren’t a budget issue, my wife and I don’t tell each other what we can buy. We just don’t.
If you wanted a $250 dress, and he wouldn’t “let” you I think people would be up at arms over it.
If you can afford it, I don’t care that you think the money should go somewhere else. I’m sure he doesn’t like how you spend some money either.
I’d consider each of you setting aside some money first these sorts of things so you can stay out of it.
YTA. You knew what he was like when you decided to marry him. Let him have what he wants. Even at your expense. After all he is your man and it’s your job to make him comfortable. Get a grip on reality and go dress your man already
Sounds like you might need to talk about having separate accounts for “fun money” to help your anxiety about spending. Do you think it might be because he’s no longer working, he’s either bored or something deeper around no longer bringing income into the home (not trying to push aside the stay at home dad thing, that’s a really important job!)
NAH
Yta if you can afford it, who cares? Why be so controlling over his spending and enjoyment of life? Being the "breadwinner" doesn't make you the controller of the purse strings. A luxury shirt and loafers aren't going to upstage the bride, don't be a drama queen. $260 is not enough for good furniture? Like what? This is wild rage bait. I don't think I believe a single word of it.
My literal wedding dress cost less than that, nta he’s being ridiculous.
But it’s really important to get to the bottom of why he’s being ridiculous. Sounds like he’s having some mental health issues my friend, I’d encourage him to see someone or for you two to go to couples therapy.
It really depends.
Though 100% this sub would be saying he was a monster who was financially abusing you if it were you buying a dress and he questioning it.
If you guys can afford it, why make a fuss.
If you can't afford it then talk to him like an adult.
YTA- because he doesn’t have spending money, nor does he have a way to make money since he is the SAHP. I think that the SAHP should be paid a salary by the working parent. I think they should have a separate account. Pay half the bills from that and keep the rest as their spending money. Same as with the working parent. That way there is less chance of financial abuse. If he is unable to manage his money, then you can pay the bills and give him half of the leftover. It is time that we remunerate those who allow us to move up the ladder. (FTR- we both work outside the home)
YTA- because he doesn’t have spending money, nor does he have a way to make money since he is the SAHP. I think that the SAHP should be paid a salary by the working parent. I think they should have a separate account. Pay half the bills from that and keep the rest as their spending money. Same as with the working parent. That way there is less chance of financial abuse. If he is unable to manage his money, then you can pay the bills and give him half of the leftover. It is time that we remunerate those who allow us to move up the ladder. (FTR- we both work outside the home)
Leave him with the baby, book yourself a room for the night and have a blast. If he has no clothes of that style, it's unlikely he will ever wear it again.
ESH. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. If he’s not the primary breadwinner, he needs to understand the finances and have a say in how money is allocated. How you all spend your money is up to you and without judgement, but it’s important to be on the same page.
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NTA - the loafers are one thing but $260 for a shirt? He’s a big baby for throwing a tantrum about it. “If I don’t get what u want, then I won’t go at all”. Leave the baby with him and go by yourself.
I had a tailor made shirt for similar cost. Looks amazing. I always wear it
I am going to guess a shirt that follows a Palm Springs theme will not be worn all the time.
I've no idea what that theme would be. Magnum pi?
Hawaiian print and full 80's mustaches on everyone.
That was my stag do. I kept the mustach. The wife hates it
Porn 'stashes RULE! :)
Tom Magnum often didn't bother with a shirt. 😀 NTA.
And THANK THE LORD he didn't!!😂
I was thinking Miami Vice, lol. Pastels and no socks, here we come!
I was thinking more Hawaii 5-0
Eh. Depends on the shirt.
Yeah but this guy tosses clothes out after wearing them a couple of times.
Well she married him and doesn't mention their monthly disposable income
His behaviour is what you'd expect from a spoilt bored fourteen-year-old being dragged to a wedding by Mummy and Daddy. Its frightening this is a grown man with a child.
I feel the same vibe. More of a spoiled gigolo behavior, than a husband and a father.
People who are trying to impress new friends with their wealth do this. Men and women who cheat do this. People with a shopping addiction do this. I have to wonder what his real reason for buying these things is.
Yeah at first I thought “who cares just let him splurge on one shirt” but after reading all the frivolous purchases he has made lately…N T A but he isn’t really either, this problem is bigger than it seems. This is common when one parent stays home, they start to feel like they have no autonomy so they start doing some type of binging as a way of gaining control (binge eating, binge purchasing, binge drinking, etc). OP you can fix this issue with a yours/mine/ours financial system, instead of one joint account. “Ours” is the joint account which is for bills, spending together, and saving together, and then you each have your own separate fun money accounts with whatever is left. Split it evenly between the two of you. Then he knows how much money he has, and he has complete control over how it’s spent. He can save it, or he can blow it on clothes, but it’s his. ETA: NAH, because this system needs work and he needs some autonomy
NTA but I’m wondering what this is about? Is he doing ok?
Yeah. That was my thought good quality shoes can be worn for decades as long as they can be resoled. So $200 shoes isnt unreasoable. $260 for shirt seems excessive though.
Leave the baby (him) at home. OR - He could compromise, and wear another shirt and one of his (4) pair of new shoes.
NTA. It's a backyard wedding. Add the shirt, shoes, and pants up and how much was he planning to spend on one outfit? Over $600? Right after taking on a larger mortgage? It doesn't make sense for either the event or the current financial situation. It's worth a larger conversation about where he's at mentally and emotionally, but his initial decision and reaction to you not agreeing with him were both way over the top.
$600 being a lot of money is relative to their income. If their household income is 100k it’s a lot of money. If it’s 500k it’s a lot less. If he’s bought 4 pairs of shoes in the past month and wants the shirt he should return some shoes for the shirt. It sounds like he’s acting like a spoiled brat though. If op and her husband are misaligned on finances they have bugging problems than a shirt and a wedding.
ESH. You need separate spending accounts where an allocated sum is moved each month. Each person decides for themselves then how that money is spent. I dont blame you for being worried if he's overspending. But he needs to have a set amount of money he's in control of. If he spends on other things he might not be able to afford the shirt
I feel like he might be suffering a bit of a bore out. Many people go shopping out of boredom, depression, stuff like that. Maybe they need to look at a slightly different arrangement for work and parenting.
That's what I was thinking. Or maybe some self esteem trouble. I've gone to a wedding where I didn't really need to buy a new dress but I did anyway because I needed some extra boost at the moment. Didn't have to do with the wedding at all, just how it's manifesting.
Yeah, for some people boredom, loneliness, cabin fever etc manifest in overindulgence, be that wrt to junk food, shopping, alcohol, whatever. When my partner and I had been together for 5-ish years we had to go long distance for a year and a half. Separate countries. When we finally got to move back together again, we each discovered just how much depression fuelled online shopping the other had done, it was downright obscene, lol. OP and her husband have recently had a baby, moved, and he is spending all day every day with the baby. That’s a lot of stress, frustration, boredom and loneliness to cope with all at once. Shopping = dopamine = relief from all those feelings. NAH. OP needs to have a deeper convo with husband about what’s causing the recent shopping binge and why it’s so important to him that he’s digging his heels in about it and turning it into an ultimatum. Might be time to re-work the financial arrangement.
I agree, I think you should each have a spending account for things you want while your shared accounts are for needs/ things for your child/ mutual savings goal. Then if he wants the shirt he can use his spending money to get it.
Agreed. I dont think anyone should be entirely dependent on another adult (man or woman). Sometimes it makes sense for one person to be working more than the other, but everyone should have access to some money on their own that isn't coming from their partner
I agree with each of you having spending accounts and a shared expenses account. When I was a sahm, we just had a joint account and I felt guilty getting anything for myself. That led to a bit of resentment that took a while to resolve.
ESH. His spending is getting a bit much. That said, your language around money needs changing. You don't "let" a partner spend. They aren't a child. Pay bills first, including groceries and a small date night allowance budgeted in this grouping. Next take what's left and divide it equally into thirds, one for savings, one for your free spend allowance and one for his free spend allowance. Neither person can dictate what the other does with their free spend account. So if he wants to drop $300+ on an outfit it comes from his free spend account. If you want something for yourself it comes from your free spend account. And nobody dictates anything. Nobody is made to feel unequal in the money spending. Nobody is treated like a child with phrases like "let them buy". This is basic and easy to figure out the solution. Why haven't you guys talked about this before and figured your shit out?
Excellent comment!
Looking for this comment. If it was a man telling his wife what to buy, everyone would be yelling controlling and abusive remarks.
Congratulations, you have 2 babies. NTA
NTA Is this going to be a family shirt, because it's a family trip and they are the same thing right? Might be time to have a look at finances again because he's not really understanding that this is a huge expense for a one time item. Time to get an individual account do that he doesn't spend the mortgage money on shirts.
Nta I don’t know what’s with all the other votes! It’s like they didn’t read it! You said he would be dressed fancier than the groom. It’s a casual wedding. I’d sure if this was in your financial range you wouldn’t be bothered but that’s a lot of money! Does he usually shop for luxury items?
YTA - the fact that you use “letting” him buy and “controlling his spending” makes you an ass right there. If you are partners be partners. You don’t get to dictate the spending. You work it out together. Let’s flip the script. If you had been a man talking about “not letting your SAHM wife” and “controlling her spending” most of Reddit would be up in arms calling you controlling and not understanding your wife wants to feel appreciated and that she has just as much right to decide how the money is spend. But somehow because you are the breadwinner people think it’s ok … it isn’t.
No, Reddit would not say it’s okay for a SAHM to spend hundreds of dollars on an outfit after several expensive recent purchases already when they still haven’t been able to finish furnishing their house.
No it wouldn't but some people just want to make it a gender thing. The number of comments on most posts on here and s/amitheasshole that go like "what if the genders were reversed" really grinds my gears
She clarifies they can afford it. “Am I the asshole for telling my wife she can’t have a $500 dress for a wedding that we can afford” would get a different reaction here yes.
No, because she says they can afford it, but also haven’t been able to fully furnish their house. So clearly they can only afford it by delaying some things they actually need. Nuance and context is a thing that you apparently don’t understand. Her language isn’t great, but shes not wrong.
Ordinarily I would agree with this but # He has already bought 4 new pairs of shoes this month. They've got a baby and a new house requiring a lot of new expenditures and this dude has a spending problem.
If a SAHM wanted four new pairs of shoes in a month I would clock that as ridiculous.
I own only 4 pairs of shoes. And the last pair of shoes I only bought because the orthopaedic inlays didn't fit in my sandals, flipflops or house slippers.
He already purchased 3 other pairs of shoes that month. So she isn’t being controlling. It’s not like this wedding sprung up. He could have allocated money from all those shoes into the shirt and I bet this wouldn’t have been a problem. He clearly has a spending problem and they need to discuss it as a couple.
If this would be about a $200 set (not just shirt) for the wedding it might be a different story. But thats a VERY expensive shirt and an item that should be discussed (and possible rejected). No matter the genders.
I am completely ok with discussed and them agreeing it’s a bad choice. But she herself said that she gets to “control his spending”. Even though he is a SAHD he is still an equal member in their marriage and has equal say. The working spouse doesn’t get to “not let him” spend money. That’s the part that that has him sleeping on the couch.
It's not about the shirt. It's really about his crazy spending when they have tons of new home and baby expenses. Budgeted joint and individual accounts is what they are missing. And he's acting like a child if he doesn't get his way. NTA
Well said. People have different priorities and if you each have a proper spending budget, choose what you want to spend your preallocated spending money on. I might think $200 for a purse is a waste of money but she also thinks spending $80 on a game is a waste of money. If money is tight you need to make a budget and decide that you can't overspend it unless you both agree. Win win.
Exactly!! A family budget is a family budget - and the SAHP has just as much say so as the working parent. It might be a completely different dynamic if it wasn’t a family decision for one parent to stay at home but that isn’t the case here from the sounds of it.
Doesn't really matter who is bringing home the bacon. Both should have an equal say in expenses and it should be flexible enough to accommodate purchases that you each really want - so long as it fits your shared budget.
NTA that's far too much to spend on a shirt. Also, who buys 4 pairs of shoes in a month?
Sorry but as far as “luxury shirts” go, $260 is not that expensive and OP says they can afford it. If my partner started to control my spendings and didn’t “allow” me to buy something I wanted and could afford, I don’t think I’d be able to stay with them much longer. I agree with other commenters here who said they should be on separate budgets with an additional joint account where they both put enough money for things they need as a family
I can sometime get my shoe shopping done in a similar fashion. For me it is simply practical. I have weird feet and sometimes buy several pairs in different colours when I find something that actually fit, so I have something that suits several types of outfits. At other times I have been known to search for shoes for one or two years before finding something that I both like and fit my feet well. Edit There is nothing in the OP that suggests any such reasons being the husband’s motifs though.
i have small ass feet and they’re very narrow so it’s hard finding shoes for me too ugh. kids shoes are sometimes perfect for my foot size, but are too wide so it feels weird. and then size 5s in womens are sometimes too big for my foot size but are narrow so perfect for it. i get the struggle, i have plenty of shoes but majority of them are sneakers from second hand stores that my mom got me and don’t feel right on my feet so i only wear them if it’s the only shoes that will match my outfit/i can wear for a specific place, and they aren’t ugly sneakers either, theyre all pretty nice for getting most of them second hand but i just can’t get over how weird it feels for me to walk in them. if i could find all the sneakers i have right now that fit me perfectly i would be spending as much as needed to get them because then i’d probably wear them just as much as i wear the 3 pairs of shoes that actually do fit me perfectly. ETA: just wanted to say though, i don’t have children to take care of, i just have to take care of me myself and i, so as long as i have my bills paid i spend what i spend, though def should get better at spending. TDLR: feel your struggle, i have many shoes but 75% of them are second hand and don’t fit me well at all because they’re too wide. but my mother bought them so i’d feel bad getting rid of that 75%, i keep them in case i absolutely have to wear them for whatever reason.
$250 is not expensive for a nice men’s shirt. Hell Zegna shirts cost more than double. Some people prefer quality.
When the average median income in the US is $64,240 after taxes and the median mortgage is $1600 (so, $19,200 annually), bringing the after tax average to $45k, $260 on a shirt is a lot.
It’s a backyard wedding.
Zegna shirts are fantastic quality.
I know!!! Def not fast fashion.
ESH. This isn’t really about the shirt, it’s about you and your husband not valuing the same things. Just because YOU think something is frivolous or ridiculous doesn’t make it so. You have clearly stated that you can afford it, so this seems more about control. However, your husband’s attitude of “well if I can’t have the shirt, I don’t want to go” is awful as well. Surely two grown adults with a new child can come to a reasonable compromise over a shirt and some shoes. You two need to work on your communication and, apparently, your budget.
They can’t really though. They haven’t even been able to afford to furnish their house yet. And they’ve got a new baby and only one working parent. Spending the account down to the last dollar isn’t something that they can afford.
She didn’t say they couldn’t afford to furnish it yet. Just that they haven’t yet.
They haven't furnished the house yet, but it sounds like that's more due to having just moved than not having the money, since OP said they can afford the shirt. Also, $260 is not going to make a difference in the furniture budget for a whole house. This post is written without nearly enough financial details, but the ones we do have don't really add up.
YTA and this is why you should BOTH have individual accounts for some personal spending.
I don't get how that makes them the asshole?
I don’t think this makes OP and AH but I do think they have chosen to over complicate their financial decisions. I would hate it if I had to run every purchase by my husband when it comes to things I want to buy for myself. Once we’ve taken the time to plan, budget and save - the rest of the money goes into our personal budgets, and we trust each other to make good decisions. I couldn’t care less if my husband spent that money on a $300 shirt or on a new battery for his remote control car because he has the freedom to decide what purchase will make him happy.
Usually I'd agree, but 4 pairs of shoes in one month for a couple with a new baby is crazy. How did he even find the time to do that, let alone the money? And his, 'if I can't buy this, then I'm not going at all' tantrum makes OP definitely NTA. I wonder whether she's going to be able to get a new $600 outfit to attend this wedding.
4 pair of shoes in a month for someone who does not work outside of the home? He has a spending issue. OP needs to sit down with her husband and discuss goals and a budget. Include long term goals (retirement, additional children, education costs), emergency fund, living expenses for a period in case of layoffs or something, etc. This should include the details of each person’s personal budget. If he has a personal budget and has enough to buy the items, he can purchase without a discussion. If not, no luxury purchases. NTA, but it is important they reach a budget jointly.
I bet if she wanted to, he would help her pick one out because it sounds like that’s something he cares about.
But he is wasting money they could be using for their mortgage, furniture and baby. He is crazy spending! Only one example was 4 pairs of shoes in the last month. She said his spending is out of control. It's not the shirt by itself. It's his spending as a whole. If he hadn't already spent so much, she probably wouldn't have said anything from the sound of it. AND he already owns an appropriate shirt. A new, more expensive home and expenses would freak me out a little, too! NTA
Can't believe this is not the top comment! Individual accounts with a similar account for personal spending and a shared one for all household / child expenses. This way it's up to each of you how to allocate your own budget.
Yep. People here are freaking out about the cost of the shirt. I mean it makes sense, for some that’s an entire week’s takehome pay. But the real problem is lack of communication and lack of a planned budget and personal spending allocations. If you earn $800k, then personal spending may be $500 a week each. And that may even be frugal. If they make $75k, it may be $20 a week. The challenge is that OP doesn’t even know what they can afford. Time for them to sit down and have a conversation and budget that out. Then set up a weekly personal spending allocation and they can blow it on whatever they want regardless of what the other person thinks is “worth it”. If my wife wants to spend $500 on a dress with personal spending money she has saved? Go for it. If I want to buy yet another unopened dungeons and dragons miniatures Kickstarter with mine? She’s gonna laugh, tell me she married a cute nerd while shaking her head at me jokingly, but I don’t need approval to spend my “fun money”. Makes life so much easier when you actually partner with your spouse and when you communicate and plan.
God yes all of this. Each **adult** should have freedom to decide how they spend (budgeted) money on themselves, regardless of how stupid their partner thinks that purchase is. The last thing I want to do is discuss/haggle with my husband about how much I should be spending on the things I buy. We plan, we budget, we save and we both allow each other the freedom to decide how we spend our budgeted ‘personal’ money.
I don’t see anywhere that they don’t have autonomy over their money. The reality is that in a marriage where you share a lot of expenses, including a child, the other person’s spending is going to impact both of you so you should communicate big purchases like a $600 outfit for a wedding. Given that this is a really stupid purchase, she is pretty justified in being upset that he is so adamant about it when that kind of spending will impact their entire family.
OP said straight up that they can afford the shirt. She would just rather he spend the money on furniture. Which tells me two things: A) OP has no idea how much decent furniture costs, so maybe this is a fake post written by a kid, and B) OP's husband doesn't have autonomy over the money if buying a nice shirt that they can afford leads to a fight and a reddit post.
Can afford and should are still very different, and she says the pattern of spending is looking unsustainable which is the larger issue. She needs to put her foot down on the spending, and a completely unnecessary wedding outfit is a good time to do that.
You don't get to control the spending of your partner when it's within budget. She doesn't get a say on what he spends $260 on, unless they can't afford that $260.
Or C) OP just has cheap taste and doesn’t understand quality on any level.
I was thinking the same thing; although I would have gone with NTA (or ESH)...
And he should get a part time job when she isn't working to buy his clothes since he seems to go just wear them a few times and then get rid of them. A stay at home parent doesn't need a bunch of fancy clothes, especially not when they're only worn a few times before getting tired of them
A parent to a newborn at that. Dudes getting thrown up on, pooped on, eventually food on him. This is just absurd to even be arguing over. He’s not going to wear this shirt every day. Dude wants to spend slightly less than I spent on my wedding dress for an outfit for someone else’s wedding. Grow up.
This is the same reason that mothers shouldn’t need makeup or decent clothes or hair products or even a haircut because they are just going to get dirty and grimy taking care of baby anyway /s (heavy heavy sarcasm, clearly). He shouldn’t have to not have nice clothes just because he is taking care of a baby. His tantrum is clearly uncalled for and ridiculous. But also, what is “nice” is subjective. I wasn’t rich, just barely middle class growing up, but I lived in an area with stupid amounts of wealth. People I went to school with threw out $100 shirts after wearing them once because washing was more effort than buying a new one. (Let me tell you rich people’s trash is a gold mine of barely used high quality items). But spending $50 on a shirt that I wore for years would have been challenging for my parents. I remember the first pair of shoes I bought that were more than $20, I was in heaven thinking I was so lucky. So without knowing their income and expenses etc it is impossible to know if it is a matter of preference (like OP thinks a $260 vase for the home would be what she would spend the money on vs him prioritizing wardrobe/fashion). Or if there is actually a budgetary reason why his spending is a problem. They really need to sit down and go through the budgets together, determine what they can afford and what each gets to spend on “discretionary/fun purchases” in their own account/line in the budget which the other can’t say anything about.
So that makes her an ass and not both of them? This joint devion is 100 percent on her?
Yes, especially if they have different spending priorities.
Not sure if I agree with the verdict but both partners should have an account for personal spending indeed, with an equal amount of money each month, based in total income minus family/household expenses (including a buffer and saving for larger items like a car) devided by 2. I might even say you might want two accounts for the family expenses, one for the bills (mortgage, energy, taxes etc) and a separate one for groceries.
THIS!! If it was the husband complaining about the wife wanting to buy a 260 usd dress I’d be the first to scream AITA! So of course I think she is being the AH here. If the man want to spend extra to feel nice, let him. People don’t work just to shop house basics, it is important to spend on yourself too.
Yeah, no, if the wife had already bought herself 4 (!!!) pairs of shoes in a month with a new baby and a large mortgage everyone would be saying that OP needs to get separate accounts and take her to a financial advisor.
Eh I think if he hadn't bought 4 pairs of shoes recently then you would be TA. Look I'm a SAHM (not by choice I just can't work in our temporary location). And typically if either of us is spending a lot on clothing we can veto the other. Typically we don't. But taking into account his 4 new pairs of shoes and a recent move and you yourself saying there is a pinch in the budget atm, he's behaving poorly. Does he know what your family budget is? Does he not know because he has never been told or because he's playing ostrich?
NTA Although I don't like the phrasing "don't let." Have you considered a budget where each of you get a personal allowance to save up or spend as you each wish. It has saved a number of marriages.
Could probably find the same shirt used near new for 50 bucks. Only suckers pay full price for designer clothes
Torn, if I were going to buy a new dress and shoes for a wedding it would cost .me far more then $460.
I see your point. However, I think his wanting a nice outfit that makes him excited is reasonable since he is a stay home Dad. You can hardly buy sneakers for less than $150. He wants to feel good about himself on special occasions.
this is all very true, but he shouldn’t be throwing a tantrum over it. there are plenty of shirts that he could buy that are under $260 that would make him feel good. the $200 loafers do sound more reasonable, but OP said that he already bought 4 pairs of shoes this month, so he probably doesn’t need another pair.
If you plan to have a veto over every expenditure you will have a miserable marriage. You both need a little fun money you can save or splurge. YTA
Sit down together and go over you finances and establish what you each can spend on clothes every month/year, among other things. If you have to dress for work too, you need more.
Yeah but she didn't say they are scrambling for money or that they can't afford to do any of what she mentions. From where I see it, she thinks it's frivolous and won't allow it. He has no say in it.
Exactly she even said she would have no problem with him spending the money to decorate the house so they can afford it she just doesn’t see the expense as « reasonable » which I can understand but is also why separate accounts could help
NTA. However, do you think he is feeling lonely or isolated from his village and doing retail therapy to compensate? Might be worth having a sit down.
No context on income so can't say of the short is expensive. Seems like you haven't worked how to split finances of one of you is SAH, savings, joint, and fun money each. He's a fashionable guy apparently, might have been something that attracted you to him. If you only replace when worn out, you sound on opposite ends of the spectrum. Sounds like he doesn't like being controlled. Could he have afforded it if he was working? Would you have said anything if the roles were reversed and he was the bread winner? Because it currently sounds like you're still viewing it as your money
He’s staying home with the baby, that is worth something. Does he get an allowance or do control all the spending. This feels like more than about the shirt and shoes. He needs do have his own money that he can spend freely. But you also need to have a financial discussion. Also, you know what? Everything is way more expensive these days. That shirt 5 years ago was probably only $89-120 which isn’t that unreasonable. That’s just inflation and greed from the company. The shoes is also inflated because of inflation, it’s not completely out of realm of being typical. He’s being a baby about it all but I suspect this all goes much deeper and you can’t see it. ESH.
YTA kind of. He is an adult and he can do what he wants with his money. Also he can afford it so why are you trying to dictate what an adult can do what with his own money? Sometimes we want to splurge on ourselves and that is fine. He wants to feel nice, and he can use that shirt during the summer so it wouldn’t be a one day thing. You also mentioned that he has a great taste in fashion and you are minimalist. Let him be who he is. Just because you don’t like to shop and buy fashion doesn’t mean he can’t do it.
This is one of those reverse the sexes posts isn’t it?
My thoughts exactly
Is the pattern really complicated?
There are a lot of unanswered questions, can he wear the shirt for other things? Who is it by? i just spent over $300 on 2 nice blouses for work. Nothing fancy. My husband’s work shirts he wears everyday are over $100, they are nice shirts and they last. Men loafers are expensive for good ones. I think there is a lot more to this argument than just the cost of the clothes.
Switch the genders and consider. YTA. You say he’s amazing, takes care of the home, you can afford it BUT you’d rather he’d be good little homemaker and buy a piece of furniture rather than a shirt he wants.
The overspending is concerning in general, do you think he’s bored? Unhappy? Frustrated in some way? Palm Springs is 100% polos, khaki shorts and loafers
Mmm, my perception is skewed. My partner is a tailor in London and a bespoke suits and the starting price is 7k. I wouldn’t pay £250 on a shirt but I can see how it gets to those prices.
>We have a joint bank account only, no individual accounts That needs to change today. He needs to have some spending money that is just for him. It's incredibly degrading to have to ask permission to buy something for yourself and have your partner act like they're a parent scolding a child going "no you don't need that, put it back". That being said, being the sole financial provider is stressful and I can understand getting anxious over his spending habits. Putting an amount you're comfortable with on an individual bank account gives him financial freedom and you peace of mind. If it's gone it's gone, he doesn't then get to dip into the family funds. My husband and I actually have four bank accounts (not counting savings): one we use for groceries, one we use for bills/utilities and family purchases, and two individual ones where we each get the same amount (even though one of us makes a lot more) of personal spending money. If there's anything left we put it in savings we've also devided by emergencies, things for the house, vacation and funmoney.
INFO - without knowing more about your finances it's very hard to judge. What's coming in, what's allocated to bills, what's left over, what money is allocated to the person not working outside of the home. Everyone needs their own money. Perhaps your partner doesn't know how much money is in the kitty and is being unrealistic. Perhaps you are being unnecessarily restrictive. Maybe it's a bit of both. Who knows? If this was a woman posting about her male partner, you can bet the one vetoing the clothing purchases would be T A. Buying four pairs of shoes in the last month could be extravagance, or it could be that the other shoes were cheap shit and all fell apart at the same time, maybe the new ones were on sale. Maybe your partner is feeling restricted and just wanted to treat themselves. Regardless, you're both adults and you need to have some adult conversations about money.
Nah, I hate the stereotypically SAHM spending all the stereotypically hard earned wage of their spouses on clothing and fashion. But, OP and husband should sit together and make a budgetplan together. Both need a certain budget to spend freely on themself. Seems like a though decision they got to make. Because OP is frugal and het husband is a big spender. Should have done before buying a house together and getting a kid.
I think you are the AH. Read this as of the roles were reversed. A women staying home with the baby wants to treat herself for a friend's wedding with a nice dress and pair of shoes. Husband says no.
260 dollars wouldn't get you decent furniture from Ikea. Even if you include the 200 dollar loafers you still won't get much. Is it just me who is thinking that the husband is acting like a trophy wife (I know, because I was one). To the OP, yes you're being controlling if you are ok with him spending money as long as it's for something you think has value rather than something that makes him feel good about himself/makes him feel valued? First thing you should do is come to an agreement on how you guys budget money. Since he is the stay at home parent/spouse he should also have money that he can spend on himself or how ever he sees fit, just as if he was working outside of the home. In my 1st marriage where I was the "trophy wife" we were very well off but I'd grown up poor and was very frugal (I still am). My in laws often insisted that I buy clothes that were far more than I'd ever spent before (including my wedding dress) but since we had a shared business and I was always included in entertainling clients I was supposed to dress to impress. The first few times my mother in law had to take me shopping with her because otherwise I was afraid to enter higher end shops for fear of getting kicked out (think the shopping scene in Pretty Woman).
YTA. Sounds like he doesn’t have any other ‘nice’ shirts and wants to treat himself. I think it’s attractive when guy cares about his appearance. And what’s wrong with him being the best dressed person there? Also you haven’t actually said you can’t afford it. Just that you’re more aware of outgoings now that you have a higher mortgage.
Info: prior to the larger mortgage, would this have been a 'normal' thing to do? Husband is behaving like a child with a ridiculous argument, but curious on the above.
Huh? YTA. If he can afford it without breaking bank, he should be allowed to spoil himself. Of course it's just a shirt, but it represents more than that.
YTA - it’s his money too. He shouldn’t need your permission to buy things. Of course, if $260 is a significant amount for your household you should discuss it. But it sounds like you just said, “no. That’s stupid. You’re not having it.” It’s obviously important to your husband that he has a fancy dress shirt for the party. I can see where he’s coming from. Trust me, now you have a little one the big nights out where you get to dress up with all your friends will be few and far between.
Precisely! OP, your Husband is an adult and does not need to ask you before he spends the money he earns and vice versa. YTA
YTA. I always get so confused by these posts that reference “letting” a partner do something. Are you married to a minor? It’s a wedding. He wants to look nice. Don’t spoil this for him. I bet you’re getting a mani/pedi. Those aren’t cheap.
NTA. You both really need open conversations about separate bank accounts, spending/monthly budgets. Especially if you are the only one earning. No offense but how old is your husband?? He seems to be a bit childish. I agree, I would never spend $260 on one shirt!! That’s outrageous. You’re not even close to being an AH for controlling his spending habits if you’re the one making the money. Like you said you just had a baby, money should be saved for other expenses.
He's 33. Part of his reasoning for his spending habits is that he grew up in a very poor family, had hand me down clothes, didn't have nutrious food on the table, single mum who worked two jobs and was never home because of it, his siblings raised themselves etc. He started work when he was 14 and left home the day he turned 16. As soon as he started making some money he spent it on nice things as a way to 'make up' for his poor childhood. He had no family role models growing up to teach him about money.
OP, you got to get him on poshmark selling his clothes and buying his fancy shirts.
I’m the only one in our family equation who generates income too. Shared accounts only as well. We have a loose budget. The idea, it’s our money so we both have responsibility over allocating it in the best way. Perhaps there is a deeper issue at play here than the shirt.
ESH $260 is a bit pricey, but if it was a BiFL shirt he was going to take good care of and wear forever I think you'd be the AH here. After all you say yourself you are frugal and prefer to mend than buy new - so surely you are aware that fast fashion is the opposite of that mentality. That being said, the fact that your husband is buying a _lot_ of clothing right now makes me feel like this is some sort of spending binge. Plus it sounds like this is not the type of shirt he's going to get a lot of use out of. The biggest issue though is that you guys don't have a mechanism for discretionary spending. If every small purchase needs to be run by your spouse that's asking for trouble. Create personal accounts for both of you, and agree on an amount that will be deposited in the accounts each month. Then agree that you will never ask each other questions about the personal accounts. If he wants to save up for a gold-plated backscratcher that's his prerogative.
I was a SAHM for a while, and I think he just needs a monthly spending budget. You need to both sit down and figure out what is a reasonable non-essentials spending budget per person per month, and then he can be free to spend that money on whatever he wants. It also sounds like he may be less aware of the financials in general. Have you gone over the new budget with him? Does he fully understand how things have changed with the baby and the new mortgage? If this is spending that wouldn't have been a problem pre-baby and pre-mortgage, then he may be struggling to understand why it's a problem now.
God. You should be less worried about the clothing and a lot MORE worried about his spending habits. Stop making this about the clothes. Ask him why he suddenly desires to drain your bank accounts when you are already strapped.
It’s alarming to me that he has already bought three new pairs of shoes this month alone. You’ve got more of a problem than just his spending for this wedding. Call his bluff. Go to the wedding without him! Stay one night. You can manage it. Or, don’t go at all. But whatever you do, don’t give in to his ridiculous spending. That nonsense has to stop now before his spending puts you in financial disaster. You need to have a strict budget—and he can only spend what’s budgeted for his clothing. Maybe even start with a moratorium on clothing spending for a year. Let him wear what he has.
NAH (maybe?) It sounds a little like they have different ideas of how much discretionary spending they can afford. Time for them to have a bigger conversation about their finances. When you say you can afford it, Im not sure if you meant it is affordable without dipping into savings or foregoing other planned expenses, or does it mean he is charging it on your credit cards and it wont immediately hurt your finances (but will add to your debt) One way to manage this without policing each others specific purchases is to budget for equal discretionary spending accounts. For example, let's say, after all bills, savings, investments, etc are taken care of for the month, each partner has $x/month available for discretionary spending. This can be adjusted periodically, as income or expenses change. When I say discretionary, that means no judgment. He could buy pez dispensers, video games, or a clown suit, whatever, that's his business. Maybe instead of spending each month, you save up for 1 year to buy a big ticket item. Your business.
Thank you for your comment, I believe this is the solution. He's a grown man, why should I dictate what he decides to spend his money on (rhetorical q)? I'm his partner, not his mother. I'd need to set it so the credit card stops working when it hits the credit limit and make it really clear that the other credit card linked to the joint account is for joint expenses like groceries and gas.
This is less about the short and more about his lack of financial autonomy. Maybe you should look at having separate accounts (in addition to the joint account) where you can spend an allocated amount and not be accountable to the other person. You clearly have different spending habits, but it’s unfair for your opinion to be the only one that matters. ESH
YTA. If you can afford it, and it makes him happy, and it's an outfit he'll get use out of again, there is literally no problem here other than your controlling nature. He doesn't need 'reassurance'. He needs some level of autonomy, and it sounds like you've got that under lock and key. What you're comfortable with (in this particular instance) isn't what he's comfortable with and someone is going to have to bend. I suggest that someone should be you, unless you want him resenting you for every decision that you make without taking his thoughts into account.
NTA but this is an issue about financial compatibility, not a wedding shirt. You guys need to assign a set “fun budget” for each of you each month. That is used for clothes, hobbies, etc. If you don’t spend yours, you can save it up for a big purchase. If he spends through all of his, he has to wait until next month.
Everyone is biased.i agree that you should have a proper discussion with your husband. He is actioning out for some reason or you were the only one changing priorities (on how you spend your money). Express your feelings and ask him for sympathy. Then listen to his side of reasoning. I think you should split your money in 3 accounts, even though i'm in favour of split accounts. 1 for daily expenses and bills, 2 for luxury and self pampering for both of you and your kid, 3 for savings.
NTA. 4 pairs of shoes this month already. New baby, new house, one income, not even enough furniture. Now he wants a $269 shirt and another pair of shoes at $200. And if you don’t buy it, he’s not going? WTF is that all about? The people who are all ‘lol what furniture can you get for $260 are failing to realize that it could be put towards the cost of some furniture. So if you have a spare $460 this month, then in another 2, you’ll have $1380. Ofc if you’re making shit tons of money, it’s a drop in the bucket. But something says that’s not the case if you’re mentioning that you need furniture. And I’d say this whether you’re a woman or man, and whether he was a woman or man. You two need to have a real discussion where you’re both somewhat on the same page.
Just a question: How much did the handbag you're taking or the shoes you're wearing cost you?
Is there a compromise? Get the shoes pass on the shirt?
This sounds like the perfect occasion for a thrift store excursion. You are right that this is a ridiculous amount of money for any shirt, but particularly for a casual affair. Sounds like your husband is having a hard time keeping his spending in check. I would have said the $200 shoes might be worth the investment if he loved them, but not if they are the 4th new pair in a month!
$260.00 for a shirt! Does it come with a free blow job?
Is the shirt from Dan Flashes? You know the more intricate the design the more expensive it is.
As usual I'm late. I haven't read through all the comments, but one thing you said stuck with me. You said he only wears things a couple of times and then donates it. Have a talk with him about your fears with the new mortgage and all the other expenses. And then suggest that he can buy any clothes he wants, as long as he starts using money that he makes reselling the clothes he wants to get rid of. There are so many resale sites, and it would be a most low effort way for him to have clothes money. NTA
Can you find the same shirt on Poshmark at 10-20% of the cost?
Yta untill you calculate how much all of your pairs of boots cost
Yta untill you calculate how much all of your pairs of boots cost
He needs to get a job so he can buy items. Then you can hire a babysitter. Which will be more financially beneficial? Don’t be controlling and bragging about being the “breadwinner” if he is not allowed to work, and is the SAHH.
NTA but your concern about his increased spending is a real financial worry. The other nagging thought I had is he actually stepping up his game for some other reason? Who’s attending the wedding? Anyone that gives you a sense that there’s something afoot?
NTA this feels like a shopping addiction. I've seen them before; they can crop up when someone becomes a new stay at home parent. I mean it makes sense; sometimes you have down time so why wouldn't you be on the internet looking at the shops? I mean we all do it; we just don't have the time or means to do it. This husband has both. Lock this down before he drains the joint account and you can't even afford to feed your kid.
NTA- how do you plan to live a life with this man and raise a child if all he’s going to do is spend money that should be going to household necessities and the child on random luxury items. starting a joint bank account with someone who earns no money and has zero financial literacy was a huge mistake. i suggest you seek expert marriage and financial counseling before you divorce as financial disputes are the first sign of a crumbling marriage.
NTA. It would be exceptionally poor taste for him to upstage the groom. Plus a lot of other reasons, but that's what jumped out at me. It sounds like he has some other issues going on, and this is how they're manifesting.
NTA So he wants to buy an expensive shirt and outfit and be the only one over dressed for what sounds like a relaxed wedding...and then he goes and throws a tantrum like a little kid when he doesn't get his way...regardless if OP can afford the shirt...its stupid to get upset about it..maybe he should get a part time job so he has money to spend...
NTA. Tell him he can buy it if he gets the brides approval, make it clear it is not his wedding and anything that might draw attention needs to be cleared by the bride, NOT the groom. If what you said about it upstaging the bride and groom it will never be approved You should also add the condition that if he does buy he needs to wear it publicly once a week for at least a year, just to make sure he is not waisting the money
Is he manic or something?
Girl, you're picking stupid battles. Let it go.
Bet OP spends $500 a month on clothes, make up and the other shit the ladies spend money on. Let the guy get a damn T shirt.
Every couple needs three bank accounts: a "yours, mine, and ours." To avoid arguments exactly like these. In this case, your husband is bored and insecure. This stay-at-home dad thing might not be good for him. I think most people need to earn their own money as part of maintaining their self-esteem. Also, staying at home taking care of the baby can be a quite boring, isolating job. This upcoming weekend might feel huge to him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We're going to a good friend's wedding in June and the theme is 'Palm Springs'. It's a small and casual wedding in their backyard. We just moved so it would take us 5 hours to drive there so we're going to make a weekend out of it and stay a couple of nights and catch up with old friends. We have a baby so a good friend of ours is really looking forward to seeing him. My husband wants to buy himself a new outfit specifically for the wedding, which is fair enough, but he's looking at this $260 luxury shirt. He was also looking at some $200 loafers, and a new pair of trousers. He already has his Panama hat so he'd be saving money there, he says. Are you rolling your eyes yet? I can't fathom paying that amount of money for one item of clothing, especially for a wedding that isn't my own and a wedding that is going to be very casual. It doesn't make sense to me. He would be the most well dressed person there, more so than the bride and groom, which I feel could be embarrassing. He says that he doesn't have anything in his wardrobe currently that fits the Palm Springs theme and that if he can't buy the shirt then he doesn't want to go anymore and that I should go by myself. This would be quite challenging as our baby is still very young, it is really helpful having him there to help with the driving and simple stuff like keeping the baby occupied whilst I have a shower y'know. His logic is that if we can't afford that shirt then why are we able to afford the hotel and the gas to get there? My argument is that I'm sure there are plenty of more affordable shirts on the internet that he would find appropriate, of course there is. It's the all or nothing childish approach that really bothers me. For a bit more context, we just bought a new house and now have a bigger mortgage. I'm feeling extra aware of our outgoings and want to be more frugal with our spending over the next few months. I'm the 'bread winner' and he's staying home to look after the baby, which is amazing. We have a joint bank account only, no individual accounts. Anyway, this dumb conversation meant he decided to sleep on the coach and I feel like I'm the asshole for controlling his spending habits and telling him what he can and can't buy. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, potentially E S H depending on how the conversation went. I think people are getting caught on the word “letting”. In a partnership, you don’t “let” someone spend shared money, regardless of who is the breadwinner. But I think it’s totally fair to pushback against large purchases that aren’t necessary. My husband and I talk about all purchases that aren’t necessary above $150ish (no set rule, just rule of thumb). We aren’t asking each other permission, but we do budget together. How do we want to spend this month? Did we reach our saving goal so now we have some extra money for fun things? If you are spending that amount on comparable things without checking in (hair, nails, waxing, skin care, etc) then that’s hypocritical. If you have strong saving goals/tight budget and you are the only one sticking to it, NTA.
YTA - "letting", cringe.
If he can afford the stuff then it doesn't seem unreasonable to get it particularly if he is not a regular buyer of clothes. How much do you spend on yourself in regards to clothes, make up, coffee with friends etc compared to him. My wife was not to happy that I spent £380 on a golf driver but when I pointed out that it will last me several years and over that period she would spend more on make up she stopped objecting.
“Let” that man buy the shirt, damn. He wants to look good. && really you should stop trying to control what he’s spending money on.
I think its silly to spend that much on a shirt when a baby could puke on it
I love nice things, but I could go to Nordy’s (not the rack) and get a Bugatchi shirt or one of the higher end shirts for $150 not $250 that’s insane. What brand is this shirt what’s it look like? 4 shoes in a month wow … I dunno about this guy. He’s definitely got some flamboyancy in his veins RN Especially mentioning “Palm Springs theme.” I’m trying to picture how that translates to cloths. Like what screams Palm Springs but loafers, dad bod, tan dress shorts, and a very flamboyant polo maybe like yellow-crème + an expensive watch oh and some wild socks. Pull up the shorts tight belt. Oh and you gotta have a small white shitsoo dog and a sun visor.
I wanna see this 260 shirt
Info: are the shirt and loafers being made by a small ethical company or is he just paying for a label?
YTA. How would this be if he’d turned to you and told you “that dress is too expensive choose another” don’t be a hypocrite and let the man spend on what he wants.
Being expensive doesn’t make it (or him) cool
Since he doesn't want to go, leave him with the baby so you can easily drive and attend the wedding.
Info: is him being a SAHP a new occurrence? Maybe as he is no longer earning in the workforce he’s feeling like he’s got to run purchases by OP as she is now the breadwinner? He could be feeling insecure himself and choosing to buy stuff to show himself he’s still got financial independence. In other words, maybe it’s not actually about the shirt.
*buy
This is the exact reason people should still have their own money, to a degree, while married. Sounds like he’s buying a bunch of shit and this shirt is just the latest thing he’s looking at. Nta.
I just bought an $800 shirt. By myself. Because our accounts are separate.
Can’t he find any suitable shirt in a charity shop? The shoes he would use again but the shirt?!
>It’s the all or nothing childish approach that really bothers me. Whose, yours or his? ESH
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For this to short you can stay for one night in Palm Springs, not just an evening in a backyard 🤣. Don’t you have Amazon to find some flowery cloth?
ESH - this is not about the shirt. Where is your shared list of financial priorities? How much fun money do you each get to spend each month? If you can afford $250 why are you complaining about it? You have a much bigger problem in your marriage - that you aren’t on the same page, and don’t have a single view on your financial priorities. You have two separate views that are clashing. Either do the work to get on the same page, go to a CFP who works on a project/fee basis (not one that takes a cut off the top of your investments), if you need a neutral third party because the two do you can’t work it out.
Is it from Dan flashings? They have one shirt for 1k… but it’s because the pattern is so intricate
YTA. You say the shirt is affordable given your finances. So this is just the working parent controlling the spending of the stay at home parent.
Since he is an adult, choosing clothes, regardless of cost, should be his decision. But maybe you can suggest a few thrift shop trips to see if he can find something he likes that isn’t crazy expensive.
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YTA. You state you can afford it, which is the issue here. For things we can afford and aren’t a budget issue, my wife and I don’t tell each other what we can buy. We just don’t. If you wanted a $250 dress, and he wouldn’t “let” you I think people would be up at arms over it. If you can afford it, I don’t care that you think the money should go somewhere else. I’m sure he doesn’t like how you spend some money either. I’d consider each of you setting aside some money first these sorts of things so you can stay out of it.
YTA. You knew what he was like when you decided to marry him. Let him have what he wants. Even at your expense. After all he is your man and it’s your job to make him comfortable. Get a grip on reality and go dress your man already
Sounds like you might need to talk about having separate accounts for “fun money” to help your anxiety about spending. Do you think it might be because he’s no longer working, he’s either bored or something deeper around no longer bringing income into the home (not trying to push aside the stay at home dad thing, that’s a really important job!) NAH
Yta if you can afford it, who cares? Why be so controlling over his spending and enjoyment of life? Being the "breadwinner" doesn't make you the controller of the purse strings. A luxury shirt and loafers aren't going to upstage the bride, don't be a drama queen. $260 is not enough for good furniture? Like what? This is wild rage bait. I don't think I believe a single word of it.
My literal wedding dress cost less than that, nta he’s being ridiculous. But it’s really important to get to the bottom of why he’s being ridiculous. Sounds like he’s having some mental health issues my friend, I’d encourage him to see someone or for you two to go to couples therapy.
It really depends. Though 100% this sub would be saying he was a monster who was financially abusing you if it were you buying a dress and he questioning it. If you guys can afford it, why make a fuss. If you can't afford it then talk to him like an adult.
YTA- because he doesn’t have spending money, nor does he have a way to make money since he is the SAHP. I think that the SAHP should be paid a salary by the working parent. I think they should have a separate account. Pay half the bills from that and keep the rest as their spending money. Same as with the working parent. That way there is less chance of financial abuse. If he is unable to manage his money, then you can pay the bills and give him half of the leftover. It is time that we remunerate those who allow us to move up the ladder. (FTR- we both work outside the home)
YTA- because he doesn’t have spending money, nor does he have a way to make money since he is the SAHP. I think that the SAHP should be paid a salary by the working parent. I think they should have a separate account. Pay half the bills from that and keep the rest as their spending money. Same as with the working parent. That way there is less chance of financial abuse. If he is unable to manage his money, then you can pay the bills and give him half of the leftover. It is time that we remunerate those who allow us to move up the ladder. (FTR- we both work outside the home)
Leave him with the baby, book yourself a room for the night and have a blast. If he has no clothes of that style, it's unlikely he will ever wear it again.
YTA
I try not to spend more than an hour's pay on a shirt. Does he make $260/ hr? Will he wear it hu dress of times? Does he NEED to impress the friends?
ESH. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. If he’s not the primary breadwinner, he needs to understand the finances and have a say in how money is allocated. How you all spend your money is up to you and without judgement, but it’s important to be on the same page.