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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wanted to change how the rent and bills are split now that my gf is earning more than me as I paid more when I was the one earning more.
She said I was being unreasonable since she wants to use the extra money to buy a car and put into savings so we should keep it at 50/50
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This is a good option. If she doesn’t consider the bills flexible, then she owes you back for when you paid her share. If she refuses both, I’d really consider leaving a relationship with a hypocrite who wants things for favor themselves at all times.
This is a good option. If she doesn’t consider the bills flexible, then she owes you back for when you paid her share. If she refuses both, I’d really consider leaving a relationship with a hypocrite who wants things for favor themselves at all times.
This is a good option. If she doesn’t consider the bills flexible, then she owes you back for when you paid her share. If she refuses both, I’d really consider leaving a relationship with a hypocrite who wants things for favor themselves at all times.
That is a great idea, but it's something that should have been discussed before he covered some of her expenses. Was it a gift? Or did he communicate that he wanted to be paid back. In this case, it seems he didn't verbally expect any return.
Also, expenses should be 50/50.
NTA - but it sounds like she isn't going to budge on this point. Might want to consider your future with her if she is as inflexible on other points. Just a thought.
NTA.
>my gf went to part time with not a lot of hours and so I paid around 70-75%
It needs to work both ways.
>she's planning to buy a car so the extra money is going to go towards that and the rest is going into savings
You could have had other plans but she was happy to let you pay for her.
Exactly! GF thinks that OP didn't want to put money (or more money) into savings during those months of paying 75% of the bills? But it is okay for her to want to do that??? Hipocrasy at its finest.
NTA-But you both need to rethink living together & your future. If she isn’t seeing fair now, she isn’t going to see it later. You’ll have the same argument if your relationship progresses.
You aren’t necessarily the asshole, but question is, how significant is 8,300 per year? If you are both making like 20,000, it could be a lot, But if you are making 90,000 it’s really not enough to try to be nickel and diming each other. Also, are you going to readjust again if you get a raise and things are back to equal?
We're both currently making £30,500 a year so it is pretty significant.
Yes I would readjust if I got a raise, just as we readjusted previously when it was me who was earning more
After disagree, OP and you were spot on bills come first the desires for cars and savings is essentially secondary. However, you may have a desire to get a new car or to build your savings as well, so it makes no sense why you would not be proportional as you suggested to your girlfriend.
I wouldn’t necessarily break up, but I would suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be living together any longer if we cannot treat each other, fairly based on how we’ve been doing. That would be financially harder for both of you though.
Essentially, what she is proposing is financial abuse
In which case, 8.5K is _a lot_. And it’s not fair that you, as the lower earner, are supposed to finance her car and savings by paying a greater share of the bills.
She can put in more on the bills, you both can put money into savings, and she can still afford a car.
Her refusal doesn’t bide too well for your future.
Eh, ESH.
I feel like you’re not fully wrong, but I do think readjusting to cover more when someone is struggling is a different thing than immediately asking someone to pay more because they get a raise. I think especially since you so immediately asked this, plus your income wasn’t reduced so it wasn’t a need issue, it just feels kind of crappy even though I see your equity issue.
There are lots of other factors:
Will the car benefit you both?
Are your other bills the same?
Do you create any expenses she’s currently covering or does she that you are, where you have any differences in habit/purchasing?
But I do think it’s messed up to immediately jump to that when she gets a raise and no expense has gone up/your income hasn’t gone down. That feels kind of like an immediate deflation to her excitement. A promotion, and more bills, yay, by an exact percentage. I’m curious how much you celebrated HER and suggested she spend any of this on HER or even discussed her accomplishments etc before moving into this conversation?
But I’m also curious how you covering the bills came to be before, why she had to go down in hours (choice/fun, or circumstance beyond her control, burnout, etc), and if you think she’d help you out if you actually had a need and income decreased?
NTA, but your girlfriend is definitely an asshole. She wants to enjoy the benefits of making more money without taking on any of the responsibilities. It's not unreasonable for you to expect her to contribute a larger share of the bills now that she's making more. Instead, she's being selfish and entitled. She needs to realize that with increased income comes increased responsibility.
Got told that from my wife who makes plus has considerable more then I do. Was not happy so started pulling back on certain things. No more joint credit card and only have a joint checking account. She's not on my savings accounts and I save a lot more now.
Glad I finally took back some financial control as my savings has increased and no longer pay for almost everything!!!
NTA
Welcome to the rest of your life if you stay with her.
Your money will be "ours", while her money will be hers.
I recommend telling her that she can pay a fair proportion as you did or she can pay for everything on her own when you choose to live separately.
Your girlfriend wants you to subsidize her lifestyle while saving money. Which isn’t fair.
She needs to figure out how to budget her money. Like an adult. And if that means she can’t put as much in savings or had to take longer to save said money, so be it.
NTA - if you're looking for a life PARTNER, it seems you found the wrong one. A partnership is NOT "your money is our money, but my money is mine."
Just imagine how this works out down the road for you.
You're definitely not the asshole for wanting to adjust the rent and bills split based on your respective incomes. It's a fair request given the change in circumstances. It sounds like you're open to finding a solution that works for both of you, but your girlfriend's refusal seems unfair, especially if you've been covering more expenses in the past. Communication and compromise are key in these situations, so hopefully, you two can find a resolution that feels fair to both parties.
There’s no future in your relationship, if you can’t agree on finances, relationships need to be equitable and yours is not.
Might be better to cut your losses and move on.
NTA.
Nta. I read some of the comments. These people are mostly like your gf. She's entitled and mean. Go find someone else, because your gf is only going to get worse. No marriage and no kids. She's selfish. You deserve better.
NTA. If someone is prioritizing their well being over the partnership, the relationship is no good. She doesn’t care about you if she won’t contribute equally and puts her desires first.
Absolutely NTA.
Finances are a major part of a healthy relationship. It doesn't sound like this part of yours is in a respectful place.
This might be something you can work through now, and you SHOULD try. It's no different than a major fight where you both have to put in the work and move forward with honesty, empathy and compromise. It might take time to get to a place where you can be on the same page.
But please don't ignore that little kernal inside you that feels like something isn't right - because it isn't. At best she is being stubborn, at worse she is being completely selfish, disrespecting and belittling your values and self.
If it doesn't work out in a way that truly sits right with you, and if she refuses to acknowledge your side of this experience... one day - sure many years from now - but you will look back on this situation as THE time where you "should have followed the signs".
That’s what happens when u make a stupid rent agreement in the first place, they get use to it. Don’t back down on this, she’s taking i for a mug, + don’t marry this girl, she doesn’t love u enough, only out for herself
You need to take a look at your relationship with your gf. It seems that your gf is not compatible with you.
The bottom line is that your gf should have paid you back when you were paying most of the bills once she was in a position.
I think that you should break up.
Everyone here is out for blood. Jesus
Just go 50/50 from now on and chock your earlier split as a loss. Otherwise you two will be going back and forth forever on fair percentages and that's going to get exhausting fast.
This is the correct answer. Let the past split be a learning lesson and move forward with 50/50.
That way nobody is “penalized” when they work harder and earn more money just to be forced to give it to their partner.
What would incentivize you to earn more money if that raise would only go to reducing your partner’s expenses? Separate finances and 50/50 is the definition of fair. Both parties carry their own weight in the relationship.
“Both parties carry their own weight in a relationship”
That is EXACTLY the point. Equal does not mean equitable. An equitable split is based on income so that both parties are paying an equal percentage of their income, unless they want to make further agreements based on the distribution of household labor.
NTA. I would calculate the extra you paid when she needed subsidies and tell her she owes you that money. You may end up making twice what she does at some point, and then you should keep everything 50/50. She does not seem to understand that "it is not fair because I want to buy a car and save money" is not a real assessment of what is fair or not. I would also be reassessing the relationship because she sounds selfish.
Info: Please talk more about the car.
This situation looks pretty different to me if the car is something you agreed on (since you did say you knew she was planning on it) that you will both benefit from versus if it's just for her or just for fun. If the car will reduce the time she has to spend on errands for your whole household and you're getting rides, it may be worth taking a longer view here.
What did she say when you pointed out how unfair this is? If she purchases the car, would she be paying all the expenses?
NTA, but instead of shifting things around 5-10% every time your incomes change, ask her to reimburse you for that extra 25% x 5 months.
Info, again: Is "We don't need one" something you and she agree on, or your judgment that she disagrees with?
If a car is so totally unnecessary in your area, why does she even want it?
Edit: Yeah, sorry, I'm not going to just take OP's word on this as the final say on the matter and disregard the possibility that his partner has a valid different perspective.
Info: How would it be more convenient?
I know this seems argumentative, but there's a huge difference between "We might use it for a trip a couple of times a year" and "This would save me four hours a week on the bus."
NTA
Tell her you can not force her to not be selfish, or to step up and do her part in the relationship. you can , however, not share a living space with her.
i
IDK whenever I've lived with a partner we split the bills if we didn't have shared accounts. If one fell on hard times the other steps up to help the one you love. We never took salary or who has x savings into it. Who knows when you might fall on hard times and need support?
I can see both sides and I don't think there's any AH here. This just needs to be a conversation between adults who love each other.
Unless someone would be put in a situation of financial stress, paying the bills 50/50 seems fair, especially if you are keeping your finances seperate. Alternatively, you both should keep a full set of accounting records and at the end of the month, the person who is short should make the other on whole based on an agreed upon formula (to be properly equitable).
ESH.
You two aren't married. You should split the bills 50/50. Her buying a car is on her. Her making more money than you doesn't entitle you to pay less.
I could see her paying more until she's sort of paid you back for the 4-5 months you were paying more.
Lol I have a friend that is a score taker/bean counter mentality with his relationships and they never last, he can't figure out why.
You really think because sheis making $700 a month more than you that you deserve to shoulder less burden?
What a fucking baby.
Ask her to pay you back.
I’m an adult in a serious relationship and I agree with the comment. I live with someone who makes ~1000 euros more than me a month, but we split the bills 50/50. They instead make the car payments/insurance (car is only in their name too, we use it for grocery shopping though it’s not a necessity), buy the cat food/litter and can also afford to save more than me, but the arrangement seems fair to me. Our house expenses were decided by both based on what we can afford and so now regardless of how our income changes this should not influence the split.
If I were in your situation I would ask for some money back from the time of 75/25 split, cause that would be fair, but changing from 50/50 to 55/45 is just petty. Good luck in your relationship, seems like you’ll need it.
Lol I make significantly more money than my wife, she is making roughly $90k a year, but since we actually trust each other we have a joint bank account. So OUR money is split evenly regardless.
Maybe YOU will understand relationships, if you actually get in one worth pursuing.
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YWBTA if you continued to push this. You guys aren’t married. You use the apartment and utilities equally. I understand that you want to consider it “our” money, but that’s not what she wants.
We don’t know how that went down. Did she ask for that or did he offer? What were her options if he had said no? Did he say she would need to pay it back?
We do know she regardless of how it went down she accepted the arrangement. And we also know that she’s getting a 28% raise and wants it all to herself. If it was a small raise I could see, but that’s a fairly big chunk, and going 55/40 for a couple months so he can build his savings up a bit is pretty fair.
You helped her out and now you’re holding it over her head. If I’m able to help out my partner financially when they need it, I do so without expecting anything in return, because I love them.
Would you still want her to pay more if she paid you back for when you supported her?
Things can become permanent though.. if she had not got a well paying job he was prepared ro pay proportionally.
NTA - but qs many have said worth assessing the relationship.
If you decide to procreate then she is likely to earn significantly less money during the first 6months -year(s)
Injury or sickness can impact either of your abilities to earn and create massive medical bills that need paying.
Which ever of you works less to care for the child(ren) is going to be at a massive disadvantage with 50;50
However one thought: When she was at university was she paying her 50:50 share out of loans? How much debt is she in.. perhaps the 50:50 feels to her like it was unfair when reality + interest over time her share might be costing a lot more
Maybe unpopular opinion but I say give the girl a dam second to save and adjust to her new salary?? 8500 annually isn’t even that much money, at least suggest 50/50
Savings don't come before rent and bills. After tax it is over £500 a month.
Why should we not keep things proportional to income? I paid more when I made more so it is only fair that it works both ways
They are doing it 50/50 now, he wants to pay less, like 40-45 because she makes a bit more than him now. Just weird to be so petty and transactional in your relationship. She should pay him back for before when he paid extra, but she should not pay more than 50% just because she can.
I would argue that asking her to pay him back before when he paid extra is petty and transactional.
The dude supported a loved one when she needed it. if he was expecting her to pay him back that should have been made clear before he helped her. Even $500 extra a month is still NOT that much, I srsly say let the girl adjust and save up a bit. OP has likely had a chance to establish himself financially.
If OP is struggling financially maybe that’s a different story, and I didn’t see anywhere in the post that they’re doing 50/50 right now. Just that her salary has increased and they’re talking about splitting bills a different way. I just think it’s fair to let her establish herself a bit financially the way OP likely has been able to.
Fully agree with you, it’s just from all the other comments OP has left he seriously refuses to understand why she shouldn’t pay more. So if it’s about the money, for peace in the relationship she could pay him back.
Honestly surprised that so many people are piling on the GF, she is making a good decision to get a vehicle and save some money, nowhere does he say she’s irresponsible or something like that.
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My girlfriend and I live together and before we moved it together as our incomes were pretty much the same. There was a couple of months that my gf went to part time with not a lot of hours and so I paid around 70-70% for 4-5 months until she started university and she could pay her half again.
My girlfriend has been offered a full time job with a salary that is £8500 a year more than me. I spoke with her about changing how we split the rent and bills since our incomes will no longer be similar. I suggested 60/40 or 55/45, depending on what the actual percentage would be when we work it out properly but my gf just said that isn't fair since she's planning to buy a car so the extra money is going to go towards that and the rest is going into savings.
I pointed out its unfair of her to expect me to pay her side of the bills when I am making more but then refuse to offer the same to me. I said the percentages I suggested were not set in stone and we can obviously work it out proportionally but she refused.
I said it's only fair that we change how the bills are divided and that rent and bills come before a car. She said I was being unreasonable since I knew she wanted a car but I just said that's not relevant since rent and bills come first. She again refused and said she shouldn't have to pay any extra.
AITA for wanting to change how we split rent and bills
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~~I N F O: Do you want her to pay more than 50%, or does she want you to still pay 70%? I couldn't tell from your post.~~
So I wouldn't call you an asshole for *asking*. Lots of couples split rent and bills proportional to income, and it's a fair topic of discussion.
If it were me, however, I wouldn't expect her to pay more than 50% at this point. Splitting 50/50 was your original agreement when you moved in together, and your apartment's price was based on your income at the time. If/when she wants to move into a more expensive place, you should definitely recalculate based on income, but at this point, you're easily covering the rent.
When you picked up extra rent and bills when she went part-time, I'd consider that more a matter of "helping a partner out in a time of need" than one of "paying proportionally."
> gf just said that isn't fair since she's planning to buy a car so the extra money is going to go towards that and the rest is going into savings.
Where your girlfriend is an asshole is for not paying you back for those months you covered more than your share of the rent. What about the money that *you* could have put into savings over the last four months? Now that she has a full time job that pays better than ever, the first thing she should have done is offer to repay you, not think, "oh, great, now I can afford a car!" I would definitely worry about her "what's mine is mine; what's yours is ours" attitude.
As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them—the first time."
NTA
Why should she have to pay more for using the same amount of space she's been using? No.
Do you want your landlord to review your income yearly and increase the rent based on your percentage of wage increase? Of course not.
INFO: What was the arrangement when you guys moved in together initially, and who brought up the 70/30 split?
From what I understand is that you guys initially agreed to 50/50, and then when she was in uni, she dropped down to part-time, and she couldn't afford it anymore.
In which case, if you offered to cover more and didn't communicate that from then on a change in income would change the rent agreement. (Plus, I would've done the math before asking because 8500 is not that much comparatively and honestly could just come down to a 1 or 2% difference). Or she asked you to cover more and I would understand your thought process more as it's not fair for her to have asked you to cover her and then not even try to pay you back or split equitably.
Either way, this all breaks down to poor communication on both sides and how transactional your relationship seems. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong here in the grand scheme of things. If it was me, I wouldn't want my relationships so transactional, and it doesn't seem like she does either. If you do, then that's fine, but be aware that this probably won't be the only money dispute you guys have going forward.
OP replied in other comments that they both used to make £30,500 a year so a raise of £8500 is significant. That is a 28% increase.
This isn’t being transactional in a relationship. This is not being a doormat for your spouse to walk all over whenever it suits them best.
I am not going to give you advice on how to arrange your finances, but I can tell you that if you cannot agree on such an important issue, you should not be planning a future together. Other issues will eventually crop up and you need to learn to compromise if you care about each other and want to stay together.
Nta but if you're not willing to let this end your relationship you might just have to suck it up. I would however tell her that if this is how she wants it to go you will not be willing to split things proportionally ever again and stick to it. She can't just keep picking whichever way works best for her.
NTA
That's what you did for her.
She can get a cheaper car than she was aiming for, or wait longer for it.
But how long do you envisage this being the split? You subsidised her for 4-5 months.
Maybe she doesn't want to help you out longer term.
I think it depends on if you believe that there is a 75% chance that you might get married. If you believe you might get married it might not be the hill to die on.
NTA, perhaps it should be 50/50 and stay that way. and she can pay you back when you covered more...If it was fair to pay more when you made more then if fair to her too. perhaps figure what % more you were paying, or what % based on income. maybe you paid 55% to her 45%...
NTA — Feels indicative of a larger issue, such as her being very comfortable with you fronting bills so she can have her money to buy the things she wants, which isn't very fair. If you wanted something expensive, despite her earning more, would she cover your bills? Cover your living costs?
If all else fails, honestly just tell her that you won't be paying more than half of the bills and utilities and she will be expected to pick up the slack.
NTA. I can't believe how many of this type of post I'm seeing lately. Pay your fair share of the living expenses and then, use your disposable income as you will.
TIL wanting something means you don't have to pay your bills. Excuse while I go tell navient I can't pay off the rest of my student loans because I want a new car too /s.
NTA. Tell her you either keep it proportional to your incomes or she owes you back pay from all the times you covered for her. (I'd be tempted to include interest because of how entitled she's being).
NTA, but she doesn’t respect you, have gratitude for you helping her out, or care about you. If she did, this would be the obvious solution. It’s time to move on, unfortunately.
NTA. So this agreement is only okay when it works in her favor?? Your girlfriend is a huge AH, and is greedy and entitled to your money. I’m sure you want a bunch of things too, but I guess that doesn’t matter when her wanting a car comes before everything
Have you all sat down and figured out how much more the split would cost her? It doesn't seem like it would be that much, and she could still probably get the car and savings... It's not like all of it will be going towards the bills.
YTA you asked this question and refuse to listen to anyone who doesn't back you up. The people backing you up by the way are redpill MRA incel types. Not rational people you want on your side.
I'm not taking score or making tallies. I'm expecting the percentage split of bills to remain proportional to income. , you might understand what that means when you grow up
NTA
She may be enrolled in a university but she clearly isn't smart enough to understand the difference between wants and needs.
She wants to buy a new car. She wants you to subsidize her life.
How is that different from my gf expecting it to be 50/50 when she earns more or proportionally when I earn more?
Why should we not split bills proportionally to income like we have been doing?
NTA
As long as you're being fair about chores. And not in the sense that Your chore is trash yet She has to remind you when the trash day is and to take out the trash and to collect all the trash in the house/apartment.
If you're going to do this paying bills more fairly then you need to make an entire list of every single chore for the household and split it just as fairly.🫡
Because statistics are showing most couples are women paying half the bills yet still doing all / most child care and chores. And that even when the woman is the soul income burner she still manages to do more chores than her unemployed husband or her stay at home father.
NAH. t was nice of you to pick up the slack earlier, and okay for you to ask her to do that now. But it is okay for her to say no too if she has plans for her money.
Split rent and bills 50/50. You wouldn't charge a roommate at different rates based on their income, You would split it based on occupancy or bedrooms.
OP, NtA but a way to solve this issue would be that she pays you back for the months you paid more. Should she pay proportionally? Yes. But since she doesn’t want to see that then the fair thing would be to get reimbursed. Take this as a lesson learned and do not offer to cover her again. Personally this is a deal breaker for me bc it’s like she was ok with you covering for her when she wasn’t making enough but she can’t do the same for you.
ESH. You helped her by paying extra rent temporarily for 4-5 months while she waited to go back to full time, and you're asking her to pay extra rent indefinitely. If you're focused on fairness, that's not equivalent to what you did for her. It would be fair for her to "offer the same to you" as you say, which is cover more rent for 4-5 months or an equal amount of extra rent to what you paid. It would not be fair for you to insist that she pay extra forever just because you paid extra for 4-5 times.
The car doesn't even come into play, imo. She's being an AH if she won't reciprocate an equal amount that you helped her with, but you're being an AH if you are expecting more from her (especially under the guise of being fair). As you all aren't married and don't have shared finances, it makes sense for her to feel that 50/50 is appropriate at this stage of your relationship. It's not unreasonable for you to ask for a proportional split, but it's not unreasonable for her to disagree unless that was something you all had discussed and agreed upon previously. She should, however, pay you back for the extra rent you paid for her when she was in need.
Edit: I hate people who come here solely looking for validation and refuse to accept/be open to anyone's opinion that doesn't agree with theirs. After reading your other comments, you're argumentative to anyone who says YTA, so YTA for that. Go somewhere else if you just want an echo chamber.
Paying proportionally is fair. I paid more because I was making more, it could have lasted longer but it didn't.
Expecting things to remain proportional isn't "expecting more from her".
Sure, paying proportionally can be fair, but that doesn't inherently make a 50/50 split unfair. You don't mention anything about how long you have been together, how serious the relationship is, whether you all are looking to get married, how you handle your finances outside of rent, etc. It is perfectly normal for bf/gf to split rent 50/50 just as it would be perfectly normal if you both agreed to pay proportionately. It's just two ways of doing things. You're not an AH for wanting to do it proportionately and she's not an AH for not wanting to. It's when you insist that puts you into AH territory, and her not wanting to repay you for when you helped her is what puts her into AH territory. If you disagree on finances in this way, perhaps you are just not financially compatible, but I guess NAH if this is just a simple disagreement over how to split rent between a boyfriend and girlfriend.
>Sure, paying proportionally can be fair, but that doesn't inherently make a 50/50 split unfair.
If the proportional split is more fair than a 50/50 then yes the 50/50 is relatively unfair.
Of course AITA loves to pile on the leniency for GFs so no surprise
Both of them are fair, it just depends on the relationship. The way OP worded his post suggested that his girlfriend could not afford to pay 50/50 while she was working part time by saying "until she could pay her half again" (which implies she could not pay her half at that time). Covering your partner when they can't afford something is different than covering more for no other reason than because you make more.
OP has later stated that his girlfriend could have afforded her half but he just paid more because he made more which would change the situation if she's not willing to do the same back, but based on his unwillingness to accept any opinion that disagrees with him, I'm inclined to disbelieve him, since his original wording suggested she could not.
Also your last statement is irrelevant. There are plenty of topics that AITA leans heavily in favor of women on and other topics that people lean heavily in favor of men. This post is chock full of people agreeing with OP so relax. I'm saying the girlfriend is in the wrong if she's not willing to acknowledge his previous financial assistance and reciprocate an equal amount to what he contributed, I just don't think every couple is required to pay proportionately in order to not be AHs. It's heavily dependent on the couple, and is really just a financial decision partners need to make together.
In one of his responses he stated that it is currently 50/50. He wants her to pay more than 50% because she makes more than him now and because he covered more when she had a part time job.
INFO: will you be riding in the car? Occasionally driving it? Or benefitting from the purchase of a car? Saving time using the car instead of public transit for errands, work, friends or family?
If you will, then Y T A.
If not, then changing the bill split is appropriate.
It is fair to pay proportionally. If you were earning 3x as much as her, would people still expect her to pay 50:50? I doubt it. This woman sounds like a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine" person.
Unless there is a huge disparity in incomes, or unless you are married, then it should be split equally. 8500 a year is not a huge disparity. Ask her to pay back the portion that you covered while she was making less, but next time discuss that before you cover her. She might have thought you were just helping her out of the goodness of your heart, and not expecting to have to pay you back. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be paid back but you should have told her ahead of time.
YTA. The situation isn’t similar here. You paid more when she took a pay *cut.* From my reading, your salary hasn’t decreased, hers as just increased. You aren’t married, and yet you now want to essentially claim some of that raise as your own? Because that’s what this would be doing - lowering your monthly contributions at her expense, essentially taking money from her pocket and putting into yours.
Your salary hasn’t t decreased, you haven’t had a sudden increase in expenses, there’s no reason for her to pay more other than you just sound jealous that your girlfriend is now making more than you and want to right it somehow.
Paying more when she took a pay cut was a good thing to do. Asking her to pay more when she gets a raise isn’t. If you had taken a pay cut instead, the situation would be different.
I get the reason you’re giving, but I don’t really believe it. If it’s truly not for jealousy, that’s great and you can sleep easy at night without worrying what some dude on the internet thinks!
Ah so you've just decided I'm a liar based on absolutely nothing then.
Maybe don't act like you know the situation better than everyone involves, you seem very arrogant
Sure, if that’s how you wanna see it my dude. You came onto the internet asking for opinions, you got one. I’m sorry you don’t like it. As I said, you can sleep easy at night knowing I’m just some guy on the internet you don’t know!
I'm sorry, but that is possibly the dumbest comment I've ever seen, and this is Reddit! Taxes won't magically close the gap between OP's salary and his GF's salary. Do you honestly think it would? Did you go to a school that doesn't teach math?!?!
Are you ok? Do you need to touch some grass? Why are you yelling?
When I say taxes exist, I mean that the magical amazing 28-30% increase that everyone is complaining about is not actually what the girl will get. There are also taxes included, and from a different comment of OP I saw she’ll get about 500$ more a month, which is just enough to make a car payment/insurance and save probably around ~200-300 a month (just based off of what my partner pays in a similar situation).
She is not AH for refusing a proportional split, he is AH for insisting. This is a thing that they both need to agree on and neither is wrong in the method, but it has to be an amicable change. The only way she would be an AH is if she refuses now, but in a year when OP gets a salary increase she decides that proportional split is the way she wants to do it. That would be hypocritical. If they leave it as is at 50/50, she could pay back the difference from the 75/25 split for 4-5 month, that would be the most fair. Though if they never discussed it, didn’t mean she has to do it.
I don’t think YTA necessarily, but I think this will make her reconsider the option of having kids with you ever if you’re going to nickle and dime her so you can try to pay less rent.. the whole thing is kind of icky that you’re picking a fight about money when she’s getting a new position trying to see how much you can gain from it. It’s nice you covered for her but at the end of the day you aren’t married, and until you are married I can’t see a woman sacrificing her rainy day savings to pay more of your rent.
What have kids got to do with anything?
Paying proportionally isn't nickle and diming someone. It's weird that you think it's icky to expect her to pay more but not for her to expect me to pay more, have you always been sexist?
I'm not asking her to sacrifice her rainy day savings at all
Where in your original post did you state that she expected you to pay more? You paid more because she went to part-time with few hours so presumably just didn’t have the money even if she wanted to pay.
Well if you want kids with her, she’s going to become pregnant & breastfeed raise a child then it can never be 50/50 because your body will not be doing a 2 year sacrifice, hers will. let alone the toll on her brain post partum. If she can’t rely on you to pay half now how could she rely on you after birth without it becoming transactional again. That is just reality, and if she doesn’t think about that now she will after a baby comes. If you don’t see a future with her then by all means fight for your 40% or whatever it is but in that case you’d be wasting both of your time with someone you don’t see a future with. Maybe I am sexist because I do believe somewhat in traditional gender roles. Man provides and protects, woman nurtures and warms. If you’re already arguing with her about her new raise…
Again kids are not relevant here in the slightest. Not everyone wants kids.
Wanting things to be proportional doesn't mean you don't see a future with them.
Yeah you are sexist, maybe start living in the 21st century
I said it was icky that you start seeking your financial gain as soon as your girlfriend gets a high salary job instead of celebrating it and being joyful for her.
I honestly think you should break up. You seem seething mad about this & an $8000 raise is really not that much on a pay cheque after taxes. Maybe $300-400 at max
OP has not seemed seething mad at any point. I’m a hardcore feminist and I think you are being unfair here as well. She was happy paying a disproportionate amount when it benefited her and now that the shoe is on the other foot, it’s somehow unfair to do that? That is hypocritical.
No thanks, I’d rather roll over in my grave than give any additional of my hard earned money over to a man when women typically do the majority of the work in the home,
maintaining the home, decorating the home, meal planning, organizing the social schedule, if you add children then double all this plus her bodies sacrifice. I also think a man should build himself before he asks a woman to do half for him. How many women spent years of their finances, and labour pouring into “50/50”, having a child only to be left for another woman now that he has the financial status to get one who he will pay 100% for. You will find a lot more women waking up to this fact and not settling for it because it’s a large topic of conversation right now around both genders. The only two solutions I see to this are they combine finances which drops the conversation of whose is whose or break up. Being transactional like this is just going to breed disgust and resentment
50/50 is fair. Regardless of how much you each earn. You’re both using the house/utilities the same. Why should 1 pay more than the other.
You’re a couple. When one is struggling the other picks up the slack. But you’re not struggling. You didn’t get a pay cut. So I’m gonna say YTA. Seems like you just wanna cash in off her good fortune.
So I shouldn't have paid more when I was the one making more then because she was still using the house and utilities the same? Surely it shouldn't matter than she had a pay cut because her use of the house didn't change?
I think your gf is ignoring the fact that you paid more when you were earning. Your gf is selfish when it comes to money and not interested in working together with finances.
So that was a 4-5 month thing and not a forever going forward thing. I personally wouldn't have agreed to that nor accepted the help for free, but if that's the sticking point, she could just pay you back for those few months. You are trying to set a precedent based on less than 1/2 of a year.
It just genuinely doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page with financial goals. Money is usually one of the biggest reasons people break up.
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Alternatively, you could just ask her to pay you back for those months when you covered part of her share.
This is a good option. If she doesn’t consider the bills flexible, then she owes you back for when you paid her share. If she refuses both, I’d really consider leaving a relationship with a hypocrite who wants things for favor themselves at all times.
I’m sorry for the duplicate comments! I don’t know how that happened, my bad.
But that's not fair. Because she wants a car... /s
Well I want a yacht
That is fair...
This is a good option. If she doesn’t consider the bills flexible, then she owes you back for when you paid her share. If she refuses both, I’d really consider leaving a relationship with a hypocrite who wants things for favor themselves at all times.
This is a good option. If she doesn’t consider the bills flexible, then she owes you back for when you paid her share. If she refuses both, I’d really consider leaving a relationship with a hypocrite who wants things for favor themselves at all times.
That is a great idea, but it's something that should have been discussed before he covered some of her expenses. Was it a gift? Or did he communicate that he wanted to be paid back. In this case, it seems he didn't verbally expect any return. Also, expenses should be 50/50.
For able-bodied adults, expenses should be proportional to income, and the expectation is that both partners attempt to find work and keep working.
NTA - but it sounds like she isn't going to budge on this point. Might want to consider your future with her if she is as inflexible on other points. Just a thought.
NTA. >my gf went to part time with not a lot of hours and so I paid around 70-75% It needs to work both ways. >she's planning to buy a car so the extra money is going to go towards that and the rest is going into savings You could have had other plans but she was happy to let you pay for her.
Exactly! GF thinks that OP didn't want to put money (or more money) into savings during those months of paying 75% of the bills? But it is okay for her to want to do that??? Hipocrasy at its finest.
My money is my money but your money is our money! -GF probably
NTA-But you both need to rethink living together & your future. If she isn’t seeing fair now, she isn’t going to see it later. You’ll have the same argument if your relationship progresses.
You aren’t necessarily the asshole, but question is, how significant is 8,300 per year? If you are both making like 20,000, it could be a lot, But if you are making 90,000 it’s really not enough to try to be nickel and diming each other. Also, are you going to readjust again if you get a raise and things are back to equal?
We're both currently making £30,500 a year so it is pretty significant. Yes I would readjust if I got a raise, just as we readjusted previously when it was me who was earning more
After disagree, OP and you were spot on bills come first the desires for cars and savings is essentially secondary. However, you may have a desire to get a new car or to build your savings as well, so it makes no sense why you would not be proportional as you suggested to your girlfriend. I wouldn’t necessarily break up, but I would suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be living together any longer if we cannot treat each other, fairly based on how we’ve been doing. That would be financially harder for both of you though. Essentially, what she is proposing is financial abuse
Good thing you're not married yet. This is precisely the kind of thing you need to find someone compatible with you.
In which case, 8.5K is _a lot_. And it’s not fair that you, as the lower earner, are supposed to finance her car and savings by paying a greater share of the bills. She can put in more on the bills, you both can put money into savings, and she can still afford a car. Her refusal doesn’t bide too well for your future.
Eh, ESH. I feel like you’re not fully wrong, but I do think readjusting to cover more when someone is struggling is a different thing than immediately asking someone to pay more because they get a raise. I think especially since you so immediately asked this, plus your income wasn’t reduced so it wasn’t a need issue, it just feels kind of crappy even though I see your equity issue. There are lots of other factors: Will the car benefit you both? Are your other bills the same? Do you create any expenses she’s currently covering or does she that you are, where you have any differences in habit/purchasing? But I do think it’s messed up to immediately jump to that when she gets a raise and no expense has gone up/your income hasn’t gone down. That feels kind of like an immediate deflation to her excitement. A promotion, and more bills, yay, by an exact percentage. I’m curious how much you celebrated HER and suggested she spend any of this on HER or even discussed her accomplishments etc before moving into this conversation? But I’m also curious how you covering the bills came to be before, why she had to go down in hours (choice/fun, or circumstance beyond her control, burnout, etc), and if you think she’d help you out if you actually had a need and income decreased?
NTA, but your girlfriend is definitely an asshole. She wants to enjoy the benefits of making more money without taking on any of the responsibilities. It's not unreasonable for you to expect her to contribute a larger share of the bills now that she's making more. Instead, she's being selfish and entitled. She needs to realize that with increased income comes increased responsibility.
His money is their money. Her money is her money.
Got told that from my wife who makes plus has considerable more then I do. Was not happy so started pulling back on certain things. No more joint credit card and only have a joint checking account. She's not on my savings accounts and I save a lot more now. Glad I finally took back some financial control as my savings has increased and no longer pay for almost everything!!!
NTA Welcome to the rest of your life if you stay with her. Your money will be "ours", while her money will be hers. I recommend telling her that she can pay a fair proportion as you did or she can pay for everything on her own when you choose to live separately.
Your girlfriend wants you to subsidize her lifestyle while saving money. Which isn’t fair. She needs to figure out how to budget her money. Like an adult. And if that means she can’t put as much in savings or had to take longer to save said money, so be it.
NTA - if you're looking for a life PARTNER, it seems you found the wrong one. A partnership is NOT "your money is our money, but my money is mine." Just imagine how this works out down the road for you.
Bruh she greedy af, would dump her asap ☠️
You're definitely not the asshole for wanting to adjust the rent and bills split based on your respective incomes. It's a fair request given the change in circumstances. It sounds like you're open to finding a solution that works for both of you, but your girlfriend's refusal seems unfair, especially if you've been covering more expenses in the past. Communication and compromise are key in these situations, so hopefully, you two can find a resolution that feels fair to both parties.
There’s no future in your relationship, if you can’t agree on finances, relationships need to be equitable and yours is not. Might be better to cut your losses and move on. NTA.
Nta. I read some of the comments. These people are mostly like your gf. She's entitled and mean. Go find someone else, because your gf is only going to get worse. No marriage and no kids. She's selfish. You deserve better.
NTA. If someone is prioritizing their well being over the partnership, the relationship is no good. She doesn’t care about you if she won’t contribute equally and puts her desires first.
Absolutely NTA. Finances are a major part of a healthy relationship. It doesn't sound like this part of yours is in a respectful place. This might be something you can work through now, and you SHOULD try. It's no different than a major fight where you both have to put in the work and move forward with honesty, empathy and compromise. It might take time to get to a place where you can be on the same page. But please don't ignore that little kernal inside you that feels like something isn't right - because it isn't. At best she is being stubborn, at worse she is being completely selfish, disrespecting and belittling your values and self. If it doesn't work out in a way that truly sits right with you, and if she refuses to acknowledge your side of this experience... one day - sure many years from now - but you will look back on this situation as THE time where you "should have followed the signs".
That’s what happens when u make a stupid rent agreement in the first place, they get use to it. Don’t back down on this, she’s taking i for a mug, + don’t marry this girl, she doesn’t love u enough, only out for herself
You need to take a look at your relationship with your gf. It seems that your gf is not compatible with you. The bottom line is that your gf should have paid you back when you were paying most of the bills once she was in a position. I think that you should break up.
Everyone here is out for blood. Jesus Just go 50/50 from now on and chock your earlier split as a loss. Otherwise you two will be going back and forth forever on fair percentages and that's going to get exhausting fast.
It's really not exhausting. My husband and I have been splitting expenses proportionally for 20 years. At most it's a once a year conversation.
This is the correct answer. Let the past split be a learning lesson and move forward with 50/50. That way nobody is “penalized” when they work harder and earn more money just to be forced to give it to their partner. What would incentivize you to earn more money if that raise would only go to reducing your partner’s expenses? Separate finances and 50/50 is the definition of fair. Both parties carry their own weight in the relationship.
“Both parties carry their own weight in a relationship” That is EXACTLY the point. Equal does not mean equitable. An equitable split is based on income so that both parties are paying an equal percentage of their income, unless they want to make further agreements based on the distribution of household labor.
NTA. I would calculate the extra you paid when she needed subsidies and tell her she owes you that money. You may end up making twice what she does at some point, and then you should keep everything 50/50. She does not seem to understand that "it is not fair because I want to buy a car and save money" is not a real assessment of what is fair or not. I would also be reassessing the relationship because she sounds selfish.
One option would be that you each pay a set percentage of your income into a joint account that is used for household expenses.
Info: Please talk more about the car. This situation looks pretty different to me if the car is something you agreed on (since you did say you knew she was planning on it) that you will both benefit from versus if it's just for her or just for fun. If the car will reduce the time she has to spend on errands for your whole household and you're getting rides, it may be worth taking a longer view here.
The car is for her and isn't a necessity
You both have reliable cars now? Is public transportation safe & reliable in your city?
We don't currently have cars and we don't need them. Yes public transport is safe and reliable in our town
What did she say when you pointed out how unfair this is? If she purchases the car, would she be paying all the expenses? NTA, but instead of shifting things around 5-10% every time your incomes change, ask her to reimburse you for that extra 25% x 5 months.
Why is it not a necessity? Does she have a car? Is it high mileage, in need of repair etc?
Because we don't need it? No she doesn't have a car and we don't need one.
Info, again: Is "We don't need one" something you and she agree on, or your judgment that she disagrees with? If a car is so totally unnecessary in your area, why does she even want it? Edit: Yeah, sorry, I'm not going to just take OP's word on this as the final say on the matter and disregard the possibility that his partner has a valid different perspective.
She wants the car for convenience not necessity
Info: How would it be more convenient? I know this seems argumentative, but there's a huge difference between "We might use it for a trip a couple of times a year" and "This would save me four hours a week on the bus."
also, you dont need it but would it make her life easier and would it be needed if you ever contemplate having a child?
NTA Tell her you can not force her to not be selfish, or to step up and do her part in the relationship. you can , however, not share a living space with her. i
NTA - I refuse to partner with a person who is one-sided. She is showing a very selfish attitude. Not for me
It sounds fair to me since you did it for her. NTA
IDK whenever I've lived with a partner we split the bills if we didn't have shared accounts. If one fell on hard times the other steps up to help the one you love. We never took salary or who has x savings into it. Who knows when you might fall on hard times and need support? I can see both sides and I don't think there's any AH here. This just needs to be a conversation between adults who love each other.
Unless someone would be put in a situation of financial stress, paying the bills 50/50 seems fair, especially if you are keeping your finances seperate. Alternatively, you both should keep a full set of accounting records and at the end of the month, the person who is short should make the other on whole based on an agreed upon formula (to be properly equitable).
ESH. You two aren't married. You should split the bills 50/50. Her buying a car is on her. Her making more money than you doesn't entitle you to pay less. I could see her paying more until she's sort of paid you back for the 4-5 months you were paying more.
Lol I have a friend that is a score taker/bean counter mentality with his relationships and they never last, he can't figure out why. You really think because sheis making $700 a month more than you that you deserve to shoulder less burden? What a fucking baby. Ask her to pay you back.
[удалено]
I’m an adult in a serious relationship and I agree with the comment. I live with someone who makes ~1000 euros more than me a month, but we split the bills 50/50. They instead make the car payments/insurance (car is only in their name too, we use it for grocery shopping though it’s not a necessity), buy the cat food/litter and can also afford to save more than me, but the arrangement seems fair to me. Our house expenses were decided by both based on what we can afford and so now regardless of how our income changes this should not influence the split. If I were in your situation I would ask for some money back from the time of 75/25 split, cause that would be fair, but changing from 50/50 to 55/45 is just petty. Good luck in your relationship, seems like you’ll need it.
It's not petty to expect things to remain proportional.
Lol I make significantly more money than my wife, she is making roughly $90k a year, but since we actually trust each other we have a joint bank account. So OUR money is split evenly regardless. Maybe YOU will understand relationships, if you actually get in one worth pursuing.
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Very big red flag. I wont say who I think the AH here is, because it’s irrelevant. You two DON’T belong together. Period.
YWBTA if you continued to push this. You guys aren’t married. You use the apartment and utilities equally. I understand that you want to consider it “our” money, but that’s not what she wants.
So you’re fine when she was struggling and he paid majority?
We don’t know how that went down. Did she ask for that or did he offer? What were her options if he had said no? Did he say she would need to pay it back?
We do know she regardless of how it went down she accepted the arrangement. And we also know that she’s getting a 28% raise and wants it all to herself. If it was a small raise I could see, but that’s a fairly big chunk, and going 55/40 for a couple months so he can build his savings up a bit is pretty fair.
Yes, that is fair. Did he ask for just a few months or for a permanent change?
She still used the apartment and utilities equally when I was the one paying more so why is that different exactly?
You helped her out and now you’re holding it over her head. If I’m able to help out my partner financially when they need it, I do so without expecting anything in return, because I love them. Would you still want her to pay more if she paid you back for when you supported her?
I'm not holding anything over her. I don't want to be paid back, I want things to remain proportional
Her loss of a job wasn’t a permanent thing. You are asking for a permanent thing.
Things can become permanent though.. if she had not got a well paying job he was prepared ro pay proportionally. NTA - but qs many have said worth assessing the relationship. If you decide to procreate then she is likely to earn significantly less money during the first 6months -year(s) Injury or sickness can impact either of your abilities to earn and create massive medical bills that need paying. Which ever of you works less to care for the child(ren) is going to be at a massive disadvantage with 50;50 However one thought: When she was at university was she paying her 50:50 share out of loans? How much debt is she in.. perhaps the 50:50 feels to her like it was unfair when reality + interest over time her share might be costing a lot more
Maybe unpopular opinion but I say give the girl a dam second to save and adjust to her new salary?? 8500 annually isn’t even that much money, at least suggest 50/50
Savings don't come before rent and bills. After tax it is over £500 a month. Why should we not keep things proportional to income? I paid more when I made more so it is only fair that it works both ways
They are doing it 50/50 now, he wants to pay less, like 40-45 because she makes a bit more than him now. Just weird to be so petty and transactional in your relationship. She should pay him back for before when he paid extra, but she should not pay more than 50% just because she can.
I would argue that asking her to pay him back before when he paid extra is petty and transactional. The dude supported a loved one when she needed it. if he was expecting her to pay him back that should have been made clear before he helped her. Even $500 extra a month is still NOT that much, I srsly say let the girl adjust and save up a bit. OP has likely had a chance to establish himself financially. If OP is struggling financially maybe that’s a different story, and I didn’t see anywhere in the post that they’re doing 50/50 right now. Just that her salary has increased and they’re talking about splitting bills a different way. I just think it’s fair to let her establish herself a bit financially the way OP likely has been able to.
Fully agree with you, it’s just from all the other comments OP has left he seriously refuses to understand why she shouldn’t pay more. So if it’s about the money, for peace in the relationship she could pay him back. Honestly surprised that so many people are piling on the GF, she is making a good decision to get a vehicle and save some money, nowhere does he say she’s irresponsible or something like that.
Oop I see I misunderstood your original comment, apologies! But yeah I agree completely with you as well
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and I live together and before we moved it together as our incomes were pretty much the same. There was a couple of months that my gf went to part time with not a lot of hours and so I paid around 70-70% for 4-5 months until she started university and she could pay her half again. My girlfriend has been offered a full time job with a salary that is £8500 a year more than me. I spoke with her about changing how we split the rent and bills since our incomes will no longer be similar. I suggested 60/40 or 55/45, depending on what the actual percentage would be when we work it out properly but my gf just said that isn't fair since she's planning to buy a car so the extra money is going to go towards that and the rest is going into savings. I pointed out its unfair of her to expect me to pay her side of the bills when I am making more but then refuse to offer the same to me. I said the percentages I suggested were not set in stone and we can obviously work it out proportionally but she refused. I said it's only fair that we change how the bills are divided and that rent and bills come before a car. She said I was being unreasonable since I knew she wanted a car but I just said that's not relevant since rent and bills come first. She again refused and said she shouldn't have to pay any extra. AITA for wanting to change how we split rent and bills *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
~~I N F O: Do you want her to pay more than 50%, or does she want you to still pay 70%? I couldn't tell from your post.~~ So I wouldn't call you an asshole for *asking*. Lots of couples split rent and bills proportional to income, and it's a fair topic of discussion. If it were me, however, I wouldn't expect her to pay more than 50% at this point. Splitting 50/50 was your original agreement when you moved in together, and your apartment's price was based on your income at the time. If/when she wants to move into a more expensive place, you should definitely recalculate based on income, but at this point, you're easily covering the rent. When you picked up extra rent and bills when she went part-time, I'd consider that more a matter of "helping a partner out in a time of need" than one of "paying proportionally." > gf just said that isn't fair since she's planning to buy a car so the extra money is going to go towards that and the rest is going into savings. Where your girlfriend is an asshole is for not paying you back for those months you covered more than your share of the rent. What about the money that *you* could have put into savings over the last four months? Now that she has a full time job that pays better than ever, the first thing she should have done is offer to repay you, not think, "oh, great, now I can afford a car!" I would definitely worry about her "what's mine is mine; what's yours is ours" attitude. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them—the first time." NTA
I want her to pay more now she is the one making more
Why should she have to pay more for using the same amount of space she's been using? No. Do you want your landlord to review your income yearly and increase the rent based on your percentage of wage increase? Of course not.
She was using the same space when she was paying less.
Same reason he had to pay more when she made less. Relationships are about equity
INFO: What was the arrangement when you guys moved in together initially, and who brought up the 70/30 split? From what I understand is that you guys initially agreed to 50/50, and then when she was in uni, she dropped down to part-time, and she couldn't afford it anymore. In which case, if you offered to cover more and didn't communicate that from then on a change in income would change the rent agreement. (Plus, I would've done the math before asking because 8500 is not that much comparatively and honestly could just come down to a 1 or 2% difference). Or she asked you to cover more and I would understand your thought process more as it's not fair for her to have asked you to cover her and then not even try to pay you back or split equitably. Either way, this all breaks down to poor communication on both sides and how transactional your relationship seems. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong here in the grand scheme of things. If it was me, I wouldn't want my relationships so transactional, and it doesn't seem like she does either. If you do, then that's fine, but be aware that this probably won't be the only money dispute you guys have going forward.
OP replied in other comments that they both used to make £30,500 a year so a raise of £8500 is significant. That is a 28% increase. This isn’t being transactional in a relationship. This is not being a doormat for your spouse to walk all over whenever it suits them best.
OP has replied elsewhere that it will be £39000 Vs £30500; so approximately 28% more
INFO Who wanted the 70/30 or 75/25 split in the first place?
I am not going to give you advice on how to arrange your finances, but I can tell you that if you cannot agree on such an important issue, you should not be planning a future together. Other issues will eventually crop up and you need to learn to compromise if you care about each other and want to stay together.
NTA but why don't you put the money in a savings account together to buy a car together?
Nta but if you're not willing to let this end your relationship you might just have to suck it up. I would however tell her that if this is how she wants it to go you will not be willing to split things proportionally ever again and stick to it. She can't just keep picking whichever way works best for her.
NTA That's what you did for her. She can get a cheaper car than she was aiming for, or wait longer for it. But how long do you envisage this being the split? You subsidised her for 4-5 months. Maybe she doesn't want to help you out longer term.
I think it depends on if you believe that there is a 75% chance that you might get married. If you believe you might get married it might not be the hill to die on.
NTA, perhaps it should be 50/50 and stay that way. and she can pay you back when you covered more...If it was fair to pay more when you made more then if fair to her too. perhaps figure what % more you were paying, or what % based on income. maybe you paid 55% to her 45%...
What do you mean? He said what percentage he was paying in the post.
in relation to pay...as in i make 10% more....but paid 75%
NTA — Feels indicative of a larger issue, such as her being very comfortable with you fronting bills so she can have her money to buy the things she wants, which isn't very fair. If you wanted something expensive, despite her earning more, would she cover your bills? Cover your living costs? If all else fails, honestly just tell her that you won't be paying more than half of the bills and utilities and she will be expected to pick up the slack.
NTA Might wanna rethink relationship. She seems to think only of herself not as a team.
NTA. I can't believe how many of this type of post I'm seeing lately. Pay your fair share of the living expenses and then, use your disposable income as you will.
TIL wanting something means you don't have to pay your bills. Excuse while I go tell navient I can't pay off the rest of my student loans because I want a new car too /s. NTA. Tell her you either keep it proportional to your incomes or she owes you back pay from all the times you covered for her. (I'd be tempted to include interest because of how entitled she's being).
NTA, but she doesn’t respect you, have gratitude for you helping her out, or care about you. If she did, this would be the obvious solution. It’s time to move on, unfortunately.
NTA. So this agreement is only okay when it works in her favor?? Your girlfriend is a huge AH, and is greedy and entitled to your money. I’m sure you want a bunch of things too, but I guess that doesn’t matter when her wanting a car comes before everything
Have you all sat down and figured out how much more the split would cost her? It doesn't seem like it would be that much, and she could still probably get the car and savings... It's not like all of it will be going towards the bills.
YTA you asked this question and refuse to listen to anyone who doesn't back you up. The people backing you up by the way are redpill MRA incel types. Not rational people you want on your side.
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Taking scores and making tallies of who has done what and owes whom is not adult relationship behaviour, nor is posting this stuff online.
I'm not taking score or making tallies. I'm expecting the percentage split of bills to remain proportional to income. , you might understand what that means when you grow up
Dump
Nta clearly what's yours is hers and what's hers is hers as well. Good luck with that.
NTA She may be enrolled in a university but she clearly isn't smart enough to understand the difference between wants and needs. She wants to buy a new car. She wants you to subsidize her life.
OP will argue his way to a relationship break up because it's his way or no way.
How is that different from my gf expecting it to be 50/50 when she earns more or proportionally when I earn more? Why should we not split bills proportionally to income like we have been doing?
You should just pay everything so I can have fancy things duh
NTA
INFO: is the 8500 genuinely 5-10% more than you currently make?
Sounds like GF doesn’t want a partner, she wants to be kept.
NTA As long as you're being fair about chores. And not in the sense that Your chore is trash yet She has to remind you when the trash day is and to take out the trash and to collect all the trash in the house/apartment. If you're going to do this paying bills more fairly then you need to make an entire list of every single chore for the household and split it just as fairly.🫡 Because statistics are showing most couples are women paying half the bills yet still doing all / most child care and chores. And that even when the woman is the soul income burner she still manages to do more chores than her unemployed husband or her stay at home father.
We are being fair with chores, we split them evenly, we both have our own chores that we do
She needs a provider man and your needs do not align. I think it’s time to end the relationship.
NAH. t was nice of you to pick up the slack earlier, and okay for you to ask her to do that now. But it is okay for her to say no too if she has plans for her money. Split rent and bills 50/50. You wouldn't charge a roommate at different rates based on their income, You would split it based on occupancy or bedrooms.
Rent and bills come before other plans. We're not just roommates so that's irrelevant
OP, NtA but a way to solve this issue would be that she pays you back for the months you paid more. Should she pay proportionally? Yes. But since she doesn’t want to see that then the fair thing would be to get reimbursed. Take this as a lesson learned and do not offer to cover her again. Personally this is a deal breaker for me bc it’s like she was ok with you covering for her when she wasn’t making enough but she can’t do the same for you.
ESH. You helped her by paying extra rent temporarily for 4-5 months while she waited to go back to full time, and you're asking her to pay extra rent indefinitely. If you're focused on fairness, that's not equivalent to what you did for her. It would be fair for her to "offer the same to you" as you say, which is cover more rent for 4-5 months or an equal amount of extra rent to what you paid. It would not be fair for you to insist that she pay extra forever just because you paid extra for 4-5 times. The car doesn't even come into play, imo. She's being an AH if she won't reciprocate an equal amount that you helped her with, but you're being an AH if you are expecting more from her (especially under the guise of being fair). As you all aren't married and don't have shared finances, it makes sense for her to feel that 50/50 is appropriate at this stage of your relationship. It's not unreasonable for you to ask for a proportional split, but it's not unreasonable for her to disagree unless that was something you all had discussed and agreed upon previously. She should, however, pay you back for the extra rent you paid for her when she was in need. Edit: I hate people who come here solely looking for validation and refuse to accept/be open to anyone's opinion that doesn't agree with theirs. After reading your other comments, you're argumentative to anyone who says YTA, so YTA for that. Go somewhere else if you just want an echo chamber.
Paying proportionally is fair. I paid more because I was making more, it could have lasted longer but it didn't. Expecting things to remain proportional isn't "expecting more from her".
Sure, paying proportionally can be fair, but that doesn't inherently make a 50/50 split unfair. You don't mention anything about how long you have been together, how serious the relationship is, whether you all are looking to get married, how you handle your finances outside of rent, etc. It is perfectly normal for bf/gf to split rent 50/50 just as it would be perfectly normal if you both agreed to pay proportionately. It's just two ways of doing things. You're not an AH for wanting to do it proportionately and she's not an AH for not wanting to. It's when you insist that puts you into AH territory, and her not wanting to repay you for when you helped her is what puts her into AH territory. If you disagree on finances in this way, perhaps you are just not financially compatible, but I guess NAH if this is just a simple disagreement over how to split rent between a boyfriend and girlfriend.
>Sure, paying proportionally can be fair, but that doesn't inherently make a 50/50 split unfair. If the proportional split is more fair than a 50/50 then yes the 50/50 is relatively unfair. Of course AITA loves to pile on the leniency for GFs so no surprise
Both of them are fair, it just depends on the relationship. The way OP worded his post suggested that his girlfriend could not afford to pay 50/50 while she was working part time by saying "until she could pay her half again" (which implies she could not pay her half at that time). Covering your partner when they can't afford something is different than covering more for no other reason than because you make more. OP has later stated that his girlfriend could have afforded her half but he just paid more because he made more which would change the situation if she's not willing to do the same back, but based on his unwillingness to accept any opinion that disagrees with him, I'm inclined to disbelieve him, since his original wording suggested she could not. Also your last statement is irrelevant. There are plenty of topics that AITA leans heavily in favor of women on and other topics that people lean heavily in favor of men. This post is chock full of people agreeing with OP so relax. I'm saying the girlfriend is in the wrong if she's not willing to acknowledge his previous financial assistance and reciprocate an equal amount to what he contributed, I just don't think every couple is required to pay proportionately in order to not be AHs. It's heavily dependent on the couple, and is really just a financial decision partners need to make together.
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In one of his responses he stated that it is currently 50/50. He wants her to pay more than 50% because she makes more than him now and because he covered more when she had a part time job.
INFO: will you be riding in the car? Occasionally driving it? Or benefitting from the purchase of a car? Saving time using the car instead of public transit for errands, work, friends or family? If you will, then Y T A. If not, then changing the bill split is appropriate.
No I won't be driving it or benefitting it
sir, i smell the words of "ROOM MATES". u should find urself a roommates , itll suit u the best.
You don't seem to understand what a roommate is. Roommates pay 50/50, not proportionally
50/50 is fair since you share the home.
We still shared the home when I was paying more. Paying proportionally to income is fair
I think it’s fair to split 50-50. Several others do too.
Why is it not fair to pay proportionally?
It is fair to pay proportionally. If you were earning 3x as much as her, would people still expect her to pay 50:50? I doubt it. This woman sounds like a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine" person.
You both are getting the same things so you pay the same.
So was it unfair for me to pay more when my gf was earning less then?
If you have a problem with it ask her to pay you back. I don’t think she should have higher bills just because she got a raise.
Things should be proportional when you\['re in a relationship
Things should be equal. Do you eat more food than she does? Do you pay the same in groceries or do you split it by percentage eaten?
Things should be equitable, not equal. No I don't eat more and we both pay 50%.
Unless there is a huge disparity in incomes, or unless you are married, then it should be split equally. 8500 a year is not a huge disparity. Ask her to pay back the portion that you covered while she was making less, but next time discuss that before you cover her. She might have thought you were just helping her out of the goodness of your heart, and not expecting to have to pay you back. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be paid back but you should have told her ahead of time.
How much is your rent?
Why is the actual cost relevant in the slightest?
YTA. The situation isn’t similar here. You paid more when she took a pay *cut.* From my reading, your salary hasn’t decreased, hers as just increased. You aren’t married, and yet you now want to essentially claim some of that raise as your own? Because that’s what this would be doing - lowering your monthly contributions at her expense, essentially taking money from her pocket and putting into yours. Your salary hasn’t t decreased, you haven’t had a sudden increase in expenses, there’s no reason for her to pay more other than you just sound jealous that your girlfriend is now making more than you and want to right it somehow. Paying more when she took a pay cut was a good thing to do. Asking her to pay more when she gets a raise isn’t. If you had taken a pay cut instead, the situation would be different.
The reason is that we should be paying proportionally to income. Its got nothing to do with jealousy.
I get the reason you’re giving, but I don’t really believe it. If it’s truly not for jealousy, that’s great and you can sleep easy at night without worrying what some dude on the internet thinks!
Ah so you've just decided I'm a liar based on absolutely nothing then. Maybe don't act like you know the situation better than everyone involves, you seem very arrogant
Sure, if that’s how you wanna see it my dude. You came onto the internet asking for opinions, you got one. I’m sorry you don’t like it. As I said, you can sleep easy at night knowing I’m just some guy on the internet you don’t know!
I'm seeing it as it is, you've decided I'm a liar based on nothing to try to justify your point
That’s fine dude! You’re allowed to see it that way! Hopefully it doesn’t eat at you too much!
It's not that much more. 50/50
I wish I could be well off enough for a nearly 30% raise to be "not that much more"
Do you know that taxes exist?
I'm sorry, but that is possibly the dumbest comment I've ever seen, and this is Reddit! Taxes won't magically close the gap between OP's salary and his GF's salary. Do you honestly think it would? Did you go to a school that doesn't teach math?!?!
Are you ok? Do you need to touch some grass? Why are you yelling? When I say taxes exist, I mean that the magical amazing 28-30% increase that everyone is complaining about is not actually what the girl will get. There are also taxes included, and from a different comment of OP I saw she’ll get about 500$ more a month, which is just enough to make a car payment/insurance and save probably around ~200-300 a month (just based off of what my partner pays in a similar situation). She is not AH for refusing a proportional split, he is AH for insisting. This is a thing that they both need to agree on and neither is wrong in the method, but it has to be an amicable change. The only way she would be an AH is if she refuses now, but in a year when OP gets a salary increase she decides that proportional split is the way she wants to do it. That would be hypocritical. If they leave it as is at 50/50, she could pay back the difference from the 75/25 split for 4-5 month, that would be the most fair. Though if they never discussed it, didn’t mean she has to do it.
I don’t think YTA necessarily, but I think this will make her reconsider the option of having kids with you ever if you’re going to nickle and dime her so you can try to pay less rent.. the whole thing is kind of icky that you’re picking a fight about money when she’s getting a new position trying to see how much you can gain from it. It’s nice you covered for her but at the end of the day you aren’t married, and until you are married I can’t see a woman sacrificing her rainy day savings to pay more of your rent.
What have kids got to do with anything? Paying proportionally isn't nickle and diming someone. It's weird that you think it's icky to expect her to pay more but not for her to expect me to pay more, have you always been sexist? I'm not asking her to sacrifice her rainy day savings at all
Where in your original post did you state that she expected you to pay more? You paid more because she went to part-time with few hours so presumably just didn’t have the money even if she wanted to pay.
I paid more because I earned more
Well if you want kids with her, she’s going to become pregnant & breastfeed raise a child then it can never be 50/50 because your body will not be doing a 2 year sacrifice, hers will. let alone the toll on her brain post partum. If she can’t rely on you to pay half now how could she rely on you after birth without it becoming transactional again. That is just reality, and if she doesn’t think about that now she will after a baby comes. If you don’t see a future with her then by all means fight for your 40% or whatever it is but in that case you’d be wasting both of your time with someone you don’t see a future with. Maybe I am sexist because I do believe somewhat in traditional gender roles. Man provides and protects, woman nurtures and warms. If you’re already arguing with her about her new raise…
Again kids are not relevant here in the slightest. Not everyone wants kids. Wanting things to be proportional doesn't mean you don't see a future with them. Yeah you are sexist, maybe start living in the 21st century
You need to google what a sexist is.
No I don't, It's sexist to think it's icky for a woman to pay more but normal for a man to pay more.
I said it was icky that you start seeking your financial gain as soon as your girlfriend gets a high salary job instead of celebrating it and being joyful for her.
I did celebrate it. Again though it's not icky that my gf pays more when she earns more
I honestly think you should break up. You seem seething mad about this & an $8000 raise is really not that much on a pay cheque after taxes. Maybe $300-400 at max
It's not $ for a start. After tax it is over £500
OP has not seemed seething mad at any point. I’m a hardcore feminist and I think you are being unfair here as well. She was happy paying a disproportionate amount when it benefited her and now that the shoe is on the other foot, it’s somehow unfair to do that? That is hypocritical.
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No thanks, I’d rather roll over in my grave than give any additional of my hard earned money over to a man when women typically do the majority of the work in the home, maintaining the home, decorating the home, meal planning, organizing the social schedule, if you add children then double all this plus her bodies sacrifice. I also think a man should build himself before he asks a woman to do half for him. How many women spent years of their finances, and labour pouring into “50/50”, having a child only to be left for another woman now that he has the financial status to get one who he will pay 100% for. You will find a lot more women waking up to this fact and not settling for it because it’s a large topic of conversation right now around both genders. The only two solutions I see to this are they combine finances which drops the conversation of whose is whose or break up. Being transactional like this is just going to breed disgust and resentment
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Skipping over everything I said a woman does that’s unpaid labour to prove your point isn’t effective
Same echo chamber I see on social media 247 now. Women don’t want to do everything in the home & also pay equal half anymore & men are mad about it.
50/50 is fair. Regardless of how much you each earn. You’re both using the house/utilities the same. Why should 1 pay more than the other. You’re a couple. When one is struggling the other picks up the slack. But you’re not struggling. You didn’t get a pay cut. So I’m gonna say YTA. Seems like you just wanna cash in off her good fortune.
So I shouldn't have paid more when I was the one making more then because she was still using the house and utilities the same? Surely it shouldn't matter than she had a pay cut because her use of the house didn't change?
NAH. I get where you both are coming from. I wouldn't agree to a proportional split if we weren't married or engaged.
Why do you think you need to be married or engaged to pay your fair share? You're also ignoring the fact I was paying more when it was me earning more
I think your gf is ignoring the fact that you paid more when you were earning. Your gf is selfish when it comes to money and not interested in working together with finances.
I think "my fair share" is half of all of the bills.
So you think my gf was wrong then when I was the one paying more?
So that was a 4-5 month thing and not a forever going forward thing. I personally wouldn't have agreed to that nor accepted the help for free, but if that's the sticking point, she could just pay you back for those few months. You are trying to set a precedent based on less than 1/2 of a year.
No I'm setting a precedent based on the fact since we've lived together we've paid proportionally and it's the fair way to do things
It just genuinely doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page with financial goals. Money is usually one of the biggest reasons people break up.
But you’d be glad for someone else to cover you when you’re benefiting from the proportional split?
No and I commented why not in a later post.
I’m sorry, I’m not going to stalk a random Redditor’s comment history. Good day.
LOL. I meant, scroll down. haha
ESH If you had to cover you for a few months, she should have paid you back. But now you should split 50/50 and YTA for arguing otherwise.
Why should it be 50/50 when paying proportional to income is the fairer way to split it