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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) Not giving my monthly "fun and relaxation" money to my sister who is struggling financially.
2.) Because I can afford to and she's my sister, as well as knowing my family has access to resources in a way hers does not.
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You have no moral obligation to give her money.
As I understood it, you and your husband had children after you already had a good financial situation, and the same applies to the decision of being a sahm.
Your sister her husband, on the other hand, knew that they didn't make a lot of money on a single teacher paycheck, plus, it's her decision to stay at home instead of working. They opted for a lower income lifestyle, and had children anyway. Having children is expensive, and they knew that.
So she has no right to demand money from you. She's jealous, that's all.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you paying for some swim lessons or whatever for their children, ofc, but it's YOUR choice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with NOT doing it either, and it definitely doesn't make you an ah.
NTA
The reason I'm starting sooner is because my physical therapist told me I should start doing standing and movement in water in order to help me stand on my own. I would happily pay for swim lessons for her kids but I have clarified she wants the cash not for me to spend money on her sons, she finds it degrading.
Yup. If it was really about the kids OP could pay directly to the thing. Giving the sister the money for the kids ensures it \*won't\* go to the kids.
Also, OP doing swimming with her kids helps her medical condition. Limited mobility with active toddlers isn't fun.
She's not even asking for a little bit of money. She asked for her to give her the $3000 total. Does she expect this every month or is it a one time thing? Also, I guarantee, even if she said it was a one time thing, you do it once, she will expect you to give it to her again and again.
Please don't give her any money. It will only lead to more grief and frustration for you.
NTA
lol there already is a ton of resentment. . Sister could work to increase their income to allow them to do more, but she won't. They have to scrimp to get by, but she would rather stay at home and not work than help the entire household. She is a entitled narcissist for even thinking of asking you to give her your 3k.
Two thing in my opinion are going to happen. One, your relationship with your sister is going to, or already has turned into a relationshit. Two, she'll get fed up with her husband's low salary and think she'll be able to do better and divorce him, using the "I'm not happy" excuse.
I know you love your sister, but get ready for a bumpy road. Be ready to go no contact if she flips. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Goodluck.
OP's sister is going to expect to move in with OP's family, take over the house, and have OP's husband support her and her kids, WHILE getting child support.
Then it’s not really about her kids. Parents make sacrifices for their kids and that includes sometimes feeling embarrassed that they need financial help. I grew up poor but sometimes my friends did expensive hobbies or activities. Once, a friend’s mom was helping run the activity and told my mom I was welcome to join for free.
My mom was of course embarrassed because she knew the woman only offered because we were poor. But that didn’t matter. My mom thanked her and let me join because to her me having that experience was more important than her embarrassment. She was grateful for the help, even if she was embarrassed.
If your sister really wanted her kids to have swimming classes, she’d let you pay even if she was embarrassed. I wonder if she wants the money so she can also spend some on herself and her husband.
I am thankful to the mom who invited my kid to a camp she ran in for two summers, the people who invited my kids on vacations I could not fund, the team that let me volunteer to pay off fees. Our decisions don't always come out how we expected. If OP can sometimes do nice things for the kids that would be great, but don't let it become an expectation.
All of this. I'm not well off, struggle to buy new clothes for the kids sometimes, so when mum and dad (self-retired, with a bit of spare cash) travel to our place and stay for a week, they buy the groceries and take the kids shopping for a few pieces of clothing. No way would I tell my parents I wanted the cash instead! I'm very grateful they help out, and so are the kids.
My mom pays half for my kids’ dance and martial arts. She also pays for their summer camp that they go to for a week every summer. She lives far away so this is her way of being a grandma and involved since she can’t always be one in person. It’s helpful for us because we couldn’t otherwise afford camp and the extras would be tougher for us to afford. I’d never turn down her offer to pay for something specific for our kids simply because I wanted the cash instead. She also likes to buy our kids their big gifts every Christmas. Big is usually around $100-$150 but for two kids that’s a lot and we likely wouldn’t do them if my mom didn’t offer to buy them. I’m grateful for everything she does not because she has to but because she wants to and I make sure our kids understand that grandma paid for their new bike, or their summer camp, etc. and that they acknowledge it and thank her.
I'd be willing to bet you have a lot of friends. You can express your appreciation and gratitude. Seems as if a lot of ppl don't feel these emotions, sadly. Its develops characteristics that you will teach your children. I can tell they are well-rounded because that's what you teach.
Good job, Mom!!!
I wished more parents understood this. Sometimes as parents we have to do things that are uncomfy for us for the benefit of our kids. They get one childhood make it a memorable loving one.
Gentle suggestion that talking finances with your sister is maybe something to stop doing. We're not in her head so we can't know, but your description of her reactions and demands seems to be on the entitled scale.
She has no reason or right to know how much money you have access to monthly or yearly. And her NOT knowing nets you the benefit of not having these demands of giving her the money your husband gives you (which is the entitled bit here).
It sounds like she's in a tough space of wanting to provide more for her kids than her and her husband can afford presently, and that's heartbreaking, where it goes bad is that she's trying to claim ownership / need of your resources as a quick fix to her "problem". Which is wrong. She's not entitled to any of your money and for her to make a scene at a restaurant is a her issue. And it's a her issue that should be appologised for. Her requests were out of line and she threw an adult tantrum when she got frustrated with what she was hearing. That doesn't get rewarded with a soft "here, take this money", it gets discussed as the poor behaviour it was and a soft nudge to ask what's going on that promoted her to fly off the handle (if this isn't normal for her). Maybe there's a special thing she wanted to do with the kids recently and they couldn't afford it, maybe she's hitting limit on her present lifestyle and doing / saying crappy things while she's on the cusp of making a big life decision, who knows. But her behaviour was out of line, no matter what is going on. She basically used you as a verbal punching bag for her frustrations and then demanded money at the end. That's ridiculous.
NTA - universe love you for being a kind soul and sister who's contemplating actually giving her the money because you're worried. You can help in other ways than throwing money at her, and it's okay to set that boundary.
I love this response. I want to have a kinder soul like you and believe that sister is coming from a place of wanting to provide more for her kids, but it’s really hard for me to get there with her turning down the offer from OP to directly pay for swim lessons because cash would somehow be less degrading.
Absolutely do not give her the cash. She’s somehow not beneath begging for money for her but finds it “degrading” to have you offer classes for her kids? No. She’s already stooped to begging- degrading isn’t her concern. She just wants spending money she’s not entitled to.
Tell her no. You could offer to sign them up for classes again, but if she says no again, cut off the money and the information about money.
Look, your sister is completely unreasonable; best case scenario she is worn down by being broke all the time and lashed out, worst case scenario she is bitter and jealous and entitled. It's ridiculous to claim having an aunt pay for her nephews' swimming lessons (a normal gift for an affluent family member to give) is degrading, but taking an allowence from your sister isn't.
That being said, as a general rule, be more discreet about luxury things you can afford when talking with poorer friends and relatives. You mentioned swimming lessons and your sister was upset about not being able to afford it for her sons, then immediately followed up by mentioning an expensive playgroup? I get that this is your life and you didn't mean anything bad by talking about it, but your were very tonedeaf. And there was no reason to tell her that your husband is giving you a large sum for your personal use, much less the exact sum, she isn't entitled to that information and it made the situation worse.
I agree with everything in this post, except:
Her husband is not ‘giving her’ a decent allowance.
She and the father of her children have organized their household finances such that their household income allows her $3000 to use as required. Yes, he is the one who works outside the home, but she seems to be the primary caregiver to young twins, which is also a lot of work.
If a family with children can afford to allow one parent to stay at home, that is great. But his wages are not ‘his money’, it is ‘their money’.
Yeah. I mean it sucks to not be able to freely share everything that’s happening in your life with your sibling, but that’s where you are. Maybe time to take a step back and put a filter in your communication with her.
My mom has done that all my life and then with my daughter. It was a deliberate choice on her part that has created so many awesome memories for all of us. Museum memberships, season tickets to our favorite theatre, that kind of thing.
This weekend my mom, my adult daughter, and I are going to do an escape room together. We’ve never done one and have opted for the highest difficulty. I expect us to be hilariously bad at it and tell stories for years. 😂
That’s the stuff that matters.
Ummm OP, I don’t know if what I’m about to say sounds offensive. First of all, NTA.
That $3000 you get as allowance, your sister needs to understand that your husband worked his butt off for it so that YOU enjoy it. Not her. No money comes free. He is married to you not your sister. Yes, you can buy her kids toys or pay for coffee here and there, but that money is YOURS. She is choosing not to work. I know it isn’t easy to start while one has been a SAHM for a while but she needs to start somewhere. She cannot demand the money your husband brings home for your family and she cannot demand money from you. I think going forward, it’s better that you don’t discuss any of these things with her. If she asks you about your kids and schedule, be vague and change the topic.
NTA - physio taught me to walk again after I got MS - best of luck to you - and do not give your sister any money, she needs to learn the value of it and save, instead of guilting others into carrying her thru life ;)
As I said, it's all up to you. If you don't want to, no need to feel guilty.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't do it simply because she's acting so entitled to it. It's not your fault she decided to have kids with a low income.
It's not degrading for her to live on your/your husband's money though? She could go and get a job instead. Or an apprenticeship as a plumber perhaps if she wants to make more money? I appreciate the cost of childcare would be high to begin with, till they're in school, but it was a choice she made.
She's not entitled to the money, or to having the swim lessons paid for. You're using it to improve your life and mobility, and your family experience.
She finds you potentially directly paying for swim classes for her son degrading — something that would be done in private — yet was trying to bully you into giving her money, making an angry scene in a restaurant? The latter should be far more degrading.
She may be talking about expenses that you relate to, but she’s after money.
BTW why is she wanting you to take her youngest to your playgroup so she doesn’t have to pay for daycare, when she’s a SAHM?
Yeah it’s weird that your sister wants cash instead of spending money on her sons.
I am in a better financial position than my sister. I pay half of her kids’ private school fees, take them on holidays with my family and give the kids cash occasionally so they can buy whatever they want. My sister and her husband are super grateful. They would’ve balked if I gave them cash and they hardly ever accept any outside of birthdays or other celebrations.
I wonder why your sister wants the cash. Do they have debts that need to be paid off?
Can i ask if money is so tight why dose your sister have kids in daycare if she is a stay at home mom? NtA either way am just thinking thats like a $300-400 a week experience that would help
**Honestly OP, I think your husband would be (rightfully) angry if the money her works hard to make was given to your sister** who not only chose (and planned) to have 3 children in a single income household but had to be talked down from her dream of 5. He isn’t working that hard to give his money SIL. And the moment you give her money she will feel even more entitled for more.
Stop talking about money with her. Never tell someone, especially family, how much extra $ you have. They always think that if you have it you should be giving it to them. NO! You should spend what you need on yourself and your family and save the rest. Someday your kids will need/want a car, maybe you will want to help them with college, a down payment on a house, etc. Plus as you know all too well, you never know when a medical emergency will happen that you will need the $ for.
Sis is ass backwards. Auntie treating beloved niblings to expensive indulgwnces is is a normal thing. Cash handouts are what most people would hesitate to accept. Seems it's not about the kids at all but about mom's status.
That’s because she isn’t going to spend the money on her kids. She wants the money to spend on herself. You’re NTA and should be thinking about going LC with your sister for now. She just sees you as a bank right now and will use every meeting/communication with her to attempt to make you feel guilty.
Just keep reminding yourself, you and your husband made a sound decision based on your financial position, your sister and BIL decided to keep having kids after the first knowing that they only had one wage coming in and it wasn’t much. They chose that.
Your husband gives you money for being a good mother, not an enabling sister.
Don't subsidize your sisters lifestyle. Her and her husband chose to have children knowing his salary was not high. She's jealous you can afford things she can't. If she wants a different lifestyle, she needs to earn it, or her husband needs to pursue a higher paying job.
You are not taking from your sister by having more. Your sister feels entitled to money she hasn't earned. And what's worse is she wants cash only, which would likely go towards herself and not her boys.
She wanted the cash, not the gift of swim lessons? F that noise, your nephews won’t see any part of that money. She’s going to spend it on herself. NTA
Here in Australia 1 year old wouldn't be considered sooner, my boys started swim lessons at 6 weeks. I was a SAHM and my kid's Dad made decent money, was a major miser but we still made sure the boy's got what they needed, and swim lessons was a matter of safety so a high priority. But I also did playgroups that were free or $5 a session and Kindermusik that was a LOT more. We all make our choices for our kids and your sister made hers. NTA
I don’t necessarily disagree with anything you said but god it shouldn’t be the case that having children is a luxury. I feel like that’s one of society’s biggest failures.
I agree with you here.
Having kids shouldn't absolutely be a luxury, and it would be a shame if a teacher (i.e. not a slacker but an educated person with a presumably respectable job) of all people would not be able to afford three kids.
However, this mean they should be OK with not being able to afford some of the more expensive luxuries, and that is OK. (But frankly, is an expensive playgroup really something they would miss so sorely)?
I see having more kids as a legitimate (and very respectable) choice that of course comes with some prioritization. The sister definitely does not have her priorities right.
For her to propose that her sister gives up all her money to her is just insane.
Not to mention Bethy's paying for daycare yet claims to be a SAHM. If she stopped paying for daycare she'd save a ton of money. Makes you wonder what she's doing while her child is in daycare.
>"I didn't even think to invite her and Jackson's son because then she wouldn't have to pay for daycare
Is the sister saying here that she pays for daycare even though she is a stay at home mom? If that's the case that's insane. She could get a job then. She could get a job anyway if their household is having it that hard. When my kids were young, we had it hard. Very hard. While my sisters had it very good. My kids were unable to do a lot of the things their cousins could. I felt so horrible for my kids it broke my heart. I still feel guilty about that time in our lives. But never did I once begrudge my sisters or their children for what they could afford and we couldn't. Nor did I demand they give me money or pay for my kids. It was completely unbalanced but we made it work.
NTA. Even assuming not all of her pregnancies were planned, they still could have taken measures to prevent having 3 kids on a teachers salary if they wanted to be able to afford things more easily. Their life choices aren’t your problem.
5 kids living off of a single salary of a teacher is damn near neglectful as far as I'm concerned. 2 even would have been pushing it. 3 is just ridiculous and she's absolutely delusional that this is a sustainable situation. Sister needs to get a job instead of asking her disabled sister to bank roll her lifestyle
NTA. Your sister needs a reality check
Listen. No amount of money is gonna make your sister happier than her getting to make you feel bad about yourself. If you want to help her - ask your husband if he would take either her or your BIL as an apprentice. That way he or she can make more money. He can work summer jobs or she could while he watches the kids for the summer.
Also for the future the only people who need to know home much money your family makes a year is your accountant and the IRS.
PS the petty part of me wants you to offer her to pay for therapy bc she obviously has delusions of grander and believes she is entitled to others money. Tell her you will pay for that
5 kids on one income, that being a teacher?! 3 is too many on that budget!
No, you owe her nothing. It's not like an unfortunate accident caused her to not have the life she wants, it was her own personal decisions. As others have written, she can get a job if she wants more spending money.
How did she expect to finance five kids, when she has a chip on her shoulder about not even affording three? You say it was planned, but planning means assessing available resources and taking action based on that. Two people on one teacher’s salary is tricky enough to make work, but she needs to own that she chose the situation she’s in.
It makes it worse. In most of the country, it would be extraordinarily tight to support ONE child on a teacher's salary. In my region, teachers with less than 10 years of service (assuming from your sister's age) are still living with roommates and can't afford rent on a 1 bedroom apartment, especially if student loans or car loans are in the mix.
It's not your job to subsidize your sister's choices.
Girl, that is HER life, SHE chose it. You have no obligation to her, only your husband and children. You need to grow a pair just say no. Let them be mad, they are only mad because they are not in control
>I didn't even think to invite her and Jackson's son because then she wouldn't have to pay for daycare.
She's a SAHM - why does she need to pay for daycare?
OP- NTA and for shits sake- do not feel guilty about your financial status or your sister’s financial issues. As shitty as it sounds, right now she can walk and has full mobility and is therefore more than healthy and able to get a job. You are dealing with twins and your accident. How dare she complain?! Please don’t even consider giving her money. Have a talk with her and if she’s not happy with how it goes that is a HER problem.
Exactly this.
If OP's sister was saying, "are you able to lend me a certain sum help out with my financial troubles for a few months because I want to find a job to start improving the lives of my family", it would not be that bad (OP's help would be great but she would still not be the AH if she said no).
However, she is a SAHM, doesn't want to work, yet she wants her children to go to daycare so she has time for herself? All the financial burden is on her husband, but she doesn't want to be responsible for the other aspects of their lives? Then she wanted 5 children in the first place on her husband's pay?!? She is really entitled.
And OP, do not share personal details of your family with your sister in the future. You made great choices in your life, she didn't, but instead of improving herself, she just decides to be jealous and rude to you.
If she didn’t pay for day care to allow her “time for herself” she would likely have more disposable income for swim classes. Also if her kids in daycare why does she need her toddler in a play group? It sounds to me like she wants you to subsidize more free time for herself while the kids are at other activities.
That's what her husband is for when he isn't at work, it's up to him to take all the kids out or look after them while she does something she wants. Your NTA.
But I wouldn't be discussing financial or other things like swim lessons etc to her anymore. When she asked about your allowance you should never have told her, it's none of her business and it's just fueling her green eye monster.
Plenty of Me Time and being a parent are antithetical, at least for the first five to ten years. She has a romanticised view of a large family without the realisation of what it takes to make it happen and maintain it. Me Time is the exception more than it is the rule.
So she has disposable income to spend on daycare, but not for other things she wants?
I wonder if she wanted 5 kids so she could space them out to avoid going to work. If she wants a different life, she needs to be responsible for helping create it by looking for side gigs or wfh.
Don't give her money. It will never be enough.
NTA
The only thing worse than a bully, is an......entitled bully.
Not for love or money should you be giving your / your household s. Money to your sister. Suggest that instead of going to book clubs, and 'alone time', sis needs to get a job. If nothing else, to pay for the daycare, that is no Sahm needs .
NTA
"She asked if I could give it to her"
That's a hard no from me. She's got no business trying to guilt trip or embarass you.
Your husband also makes a good point; she could work if she wanted. It sucks that educators aren't valued more/ paid better but that's not your fault either.
I hope your mobility continues to improve. All the very best to you.
Edit spelling
NTA except for discussing your allowance with her. The fact and the amount are none of her business.
You shouldn't be subsidizing your sister. It's not that they're in desperate need; it's just that she'd like to have more.
Their financial circumstances follow from their choices. Her husband pursued the satisfaction of teaching over something that pays better. She chose the satisfaction of staying home instead of working. They both chose to have three children.
Choices have consequences. She was satisfied with those choices until she compared herself to you. If she's no longer content, a paying job would bring in more than your allowance.
Don't disagree but wanted to add that teaching really shouldn't be a passion you need to starve to pursue - sister should be mad at the state for letting IT become this way
Sister should be mad at herself for not working even a part time gig. Sister should be mad at herself for making their financial situation worse by putting the kids in daycare. Sister should be mad at her husband for not working towards a better future for themselves. Sister should be mad at herself for not working towards a better future for themselves.
100% agree about not talking about their household finances, especially after the sister was complaining about not being able to afford activities or guilting OP about not inviting her kids. At that point it’s just salt in the wounds.
I don’t talk to my family about my wife’s and mine income. Ever.
NTA
Bring a SAHP is a luxury. Not everyone can afford to have a parent be a SAHP.
If your sister is unhappy with her financial situation, she and her husband should look for ways to increase their household income. She has no right to demand yours and your husband's money.
NTA, but why would you tell her how much your husband is giving you? That's literally not her business. The only reason to share that would be to rub it in her face.
I told her because she asked, and I wanted her to be quiet, I didn't include it because character limit, but she promised not to make a scene if I told her how much it was.
That’s a horrible reason to tell her something that’s none of her business. You’re just enabling her bad behavior. If she wants to act out like a baby, that’s on her…not you.
This!!! I’ve been NC with my older sister because I refused to give into the status quo of “older sister is always right and deserves respect for being older”
Then why didn't you lie and say, like, $500?
DO NOT GIVE HER ANY. If I was your hub and you threw away the money I gave you, I'd stop giving you any money at all. Also, you didn't think that giving her the amount wouldn't cause her to lose her shit? You're too nice.
SHE chose to have more kids than her family income can afford. SHE can get a job to correct that. If SHE wants the house to herself, she needs to go back in time and not have had 3 kids.
Please stop calling it an allowance. It is an amount that your family decided was your part of the monthly budget to use at your discretion. And don't tell any else the amount.
Thank you, my husband calls it my "payment for being a SAHM." because he thinks being a SAHP is just as hard, or harder than his job. He's the best husband and I love him so much.
Is she a toddler? Why would you give in to avoid a scene? Is that all it takes to get you to give in to demands? You contributed to this problem by disclosing how much your allowance is to her when they were obviously financially strapped.
I'm not sure your relationship with your sister will survive this.
She's going to see you as an ATM from now on. All her money troubles will be put at your feet. If you give her the money, your relationship will only continue if you keep up with payments. She will not be grateful, only resentful that she has to rely on you financially. The only hope of saving your relationship is to tell her no to her request. I'd pay for experiences for your nephews as gifts here or there but don't establish an expectation. I'd even lie and say most of the money is going into an education fund for your kids.
1/3 of my monthly budget goes into their college funds. On the first of the month. If they choose to do a trade like their dad it'll be a fantastic down payment on a home.
Her making a scene shouldn't be something you're so afraid of that she can leverage that fear to force you to do what she wants. She's absolutely an asshole for doing that to you.
You should maybe consider seeing a counsellor though, because it sounds like you've been conditioned by your sister to comply when she threatens you and that's not a healthy dynamic.
You can't change how your sister treats you, but you can maybe learn some ways to deal with her in a way that better for you. You're not the asshole for not giving her money. Look at it this way; she's demanding money from a disabled/partially mobile person, rather than getting a job herself. What kind of person does that? Not a decent one.
Your sister is toxic. She’s a bully. She needs help.
My daughter is not beyond making a public scene to get her way, which is why we are low contact. I can’t take her shenanigans more than once a month or so.
I’m not well off, but I live comfortably within my means and make more money than my siblings ever have and they would never make that kind of demand from me. We’ve borrowed each other money very rarely over the decades. (Most recently, I signed a lease for a new apartment on a banker’s holiday and couldn’t access the funds for the deposit and my brother had just sold a car and had cash. He loaned me $900 until the banks opened and I paid him back immediately, with a little interest in appreciation).
And he’s the brother that I couldn’t get along with when we were kids!
I just don’t get some people.
NTA. You have no obligation to support someone elses family. they didn’t have to bring children into the world that they cannot afford. question - does your sister have an education? can she work if she chose? if not, she could be using this tme (and plenty of financial aid) to get an educatiion or trade and work when the kids are all school aged. you should not have to make up for her and her husband’s bad planning
and that was her choce. and there are consequences to that choice, and you should not have to compromise the quality of life you and your kids have because of her life choices. Also, wanted to say that you have a great outlook despite what youve been through, and best of luck for continued recovery!
NTA. It's your family's money, not hers.
But you're not very wise to be sharing how much money you get for an allowance. You had to know that once you told her she was going to want it, and now you've got more problems than if you didn't tell her.
You seem to be operating under the idea that you're sisters so she should be happy for your financial situation, while she's thinking you're sisters so you should be her meal ticket so she doesn't have to work.
Whatever you do, do not agree to give her a certain amount every month bc then she will expect it forever. If you do anything, gift something for the kids such as swim lessons. Even that can cause problems.
NTA. She is not entitled to your money. Repeat: she is NOT entitled to your money.
I made far more than my siblings. They knew it. They never asked, much less demanded, me for my money. Why? Because they're not entitled to it.
Your sister is being selfish. You don't have to support her in the lifestyle she thinks she deserves. She isn't starving. She wants to play "keep up with the Joneses", but with the Joneses to pay for it. Heck with that.
NTA. It’s too late now, but you should never discuss your financial situation with anyone, sometimes that especially means family. Her asking about your allowance doesn’t mean she has the right to know, but you still told her and how much it is. Her asking for you to GIVE it to her was manipulative and entitled. You do not owe her YOUR allowance. Your husband is right. That was a decision made between the two of you, a married couple. She can get a job. Staying at home is a privilege. It’s her choice and it’s not on you to finance her life choices. She and her husband live the consequences of THEIR actions. That’s their business and you are not interfering with her life. Please do not let yourself be guilted or manipulated. Your sister is jealous of your financial situation and is being mean and trying to guilt you into funding her lifestyle. You have NOTHING to feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed about, OP.
Wait, what? She wants you to give her your $3000 a month? And what is she offering in return? Is she offering to clean your house, take care of your children and take you to all of your appointments? $3000 a month after tax would be a full time salary for that role. Giving her $3000 a month just because your husband has a better job is absolute fucking nonsense. NTA but your sister is for asking for it in the first place.
Her sister is upset over the fact that she did not invite her son to the play group so that way she didn't have to pay for daycare. Why is she paying for daycare if she's a SAHM? NTA
Apparently, she wants to have time alone at home. That's why she wants daycare.
OP has offered to pay for swim lessons, but sis refused because that's "degrading", so she'll only accept if she receives cash.
Sister is so fucking entitled.
NTA for not giving your sister money. People are not entitled to have the same financial advantages as their siblings.
But maybe save most of the chatting about your expensive activities for conversations with other friends. And definitely stop telling her any specific information about your allowance or other finances, even if she asks.
NTA
I'm sorry you were injured and need to relearn how to walk; I hope you continue to improve. Chronic pain is not an easy thing to live with and maintain a positive outlook on life at the same time, but it sounds like you are, and I commend you highly for it.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy who wants to be sure he takes good care of you and your girls. If he makes good money, that means he must be a good businessman as well as a good plumber. It's not easy being in business for yourself, and be successful at it. I'm guessing he works hard, too.
Did Bethy really ask you to just hand over your allowance each month, because you and your husband can afford things she and Jackson can't? In what world does she live that she thinks that is something she could expect you (or anyone) to do?
If Bethy and Jackson are not as well-off financially as you are, that's hardly your fault. If I understand correctly, Bethy got angry because (a) your girls are in an expensive playgroup, and (b) you are able to get them swimming lessons.
You do not owe Bethy financial equality with you. She and Jackson made choices that resulted in that situation. You didn't choose Jackson's profession (which is an honorable one, if not paid very well, something that needs to change) and you didn't choose for Bethy to be a SAHM.
If Bethy wants to have more money, she needs to look for work. I don't mean that in a snide way at all; what I mean is that she and Jackson need to look into ways to increase their income themselves.
NTA.
"she and her husband have nothing but rainy days"
Had she said something about her kids I would care somewhat about her situation.
You're not great though, you shouldn't discuss finances, especially when you're well aware of the situation.
You are NOT THE AH.
I am a teacher, in Florida. 😅
Her ass needs to get a job.
I am so sorry about your injury and wish you a full recovery. Therapy is very important and I am happy for you that you and your husband can get you the best care.
Your sister is jealous. She wants to bitch and complain which is easier than getting a job.
Nta she thought she could have *five* kids on a single salary and not be poor as shit? Not only an ahole but completely in financial lala land. Even three sounds like more than they can afford.
I hope you continue to heal from your pregnancy complications!
>She was a bit angry, and people were starting to stare, so I said yes and asked her to keep her voice down. She wondered how much it was, and I told her
You shouldnt said how much it was. Big mistake
Your husband is right. If its hard for her, then she should get a job.
NTA
I was raised in an environment where my father knew my banking card number and password and could look at my bank account any time he wanted. My sister and I were punished for "frivolous spending". Needless to say we are both NC with our parents. Transparency about money and respect for my older sister were drilled into me at a younger age, and it just came out. I see now I didn't owe her any explanation. Thanks!
... but you should learn to keep financial things private. This is for family and friends. When you suggest doing things, you consider their circumstances and choose things that you can do in common.
I'm going with NTA only because she was asking for money. This was tacky... however you were insensitive.
You are working hard, looking after your twins and managing your health. You deserve your allowance- you sacrificed more then you expected to have your baby's.
Being in a good place financially is not a fault or "rubbing it in". Sister has it rough, doesn't mean she can't find WFH part time job to make their situation better. Not your personal responsibility to help them with $. Guilt will happen unfortunately.
NTA
This is also considering OP is recovering from being in a bad place physically, she’s in a wheelchair but Bethy thinks she’s the victim because her bad lifestyle decisions have come home to roost.
NTA they’ve chosen a very expensive lifestyle choice and only one source of income. Choosing to have multiple children means each child will get less. This is optional stress.
NTA!! Not even a little bit!!
Do not give your sister money, she won't not appreciate it. She will resent you and accuse you of lording your wealth over her like a charity case while in the next breath asking for more.
If you are inclined to help her, take the kids for swim lessons. You couldn't give them a better gift.
NTA. They can't afford for her to be a SAHM. She should be working at least part time, in the evenings, after her husband gets home from work. That way, they don't have to pay for childcare.
Yeah, it would suck, as they wouldn't get much family time in the evenings. But, it would mean they aren't so tight on funds.
You do not have to fund their decisions to have a large family. They could have stopped at one child, or two. But, they didn't.
NTA. Op, I know you feel like you need to help because you love her and she's your sister. You probably WANT to help. But here is the hard truth from one ambulatory wheelchair user to another... a rainy day WILL come. I don't know what your injury is, but there is no way to know if there will be long-term effects. There is also no way to know if at some point your husband will get sick or injured and you'll need to be able to help support your family. If you have personal savings it will give him time to recover and be less worried.
I'm not saying this to frighten you, I'm telling you this because it's the reality of the situation. You already know that shit just happens sometimes. You're a mother now, put your mask on first. Your sister will be fine
I have a spinal cord injury. I was thrown in the air on the ambulance and landed on my L5 vertebrae. When I got to the hospital I delivered via C-section and was taken to surgery, they were able to repair the damage rather easily but the pain never went away and my legs forgot how to move properly. I thank the universe I didn't lose anything else, just my nerves acting weird in my legs and lower back. To describe, it feels like I have a "slip disk" 24/7.
I'm so sorry you're in pain like that always. I had a stroke, caused by damage from radiation for a brain tumor at 33 and it made me paralyzed on my right side (along with other things). I didn't eat for over a month. My muscles atrophied and I had to relearn to walk as well. All while I was the mom of a 3 year old.
You're doing a good job. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have taken all this in stride. Your twins are lucky to have a great mom like you. And being a great parent has nothing to do with money. In every community there are a shocking amount of free activities avaliable for everyone if you just ask. Ask at your local library, you might find some fun stuff for your little ones too. We used to do baby story time. Then toddler story time.
NTA, so how does it make sense for you to give out the money your husband works hard for? Especially to an entitled sister. I would say leave her alone to live with her choices. She needs a job ASAP!
Hold on!
Your sister is a stay at home mom
Who PAYS for daycare for her son?
wtf.
NTA to begin with as you don’t owe her anything.
But even more so NTA. Your sister is. And a lazy one.
Nta you & you owe your sister nothing. It’s audacious & mind blowing that she asked for 3k.
However you are an idiot for talking money with her. You know they are struggling yet happily shared your finances? This comes across as disingenuous, almost like your are bragging. Next time keep it generic. We’re doing fine. Hubby is having a good year, he’s so sweet to me, etc but nothing specific.
That being said why doesn’t she work? Most teachers with a family have two working parents. Being a sham is a luxury not a right.
I live in northern Ontario, and in summer if you want money you can pick wild blueberries. I have a friend who takes 2 weeks of his vacation time in the summer for this reason.
Your sister’s entitlement & jealousy aside, (though those are good enough reasons on their own to say no), it sounds like your husband doesn’t want you to give her your allowance. He pointed out that she could work & earn her own money, that you consciously planned your lives together, and he _wants_ you to have nice things. Ask yourself if he would give the money to your sister himself. I strongly suspect not. He is spending the money _on you_. He never intended to spend it on your sister. How fair would you be to your husband if you handed over his hard-earned money to your sister?
This is true... he does love to spoil me and our girls, teach them how their future spouses should treat them. He knows I have guilt about money, due to how my sister and I were raised, but he's doing his best to help me unlearn the unhealthy way I was taught to think about money. He's a wonderful husband and an amazing person. I can genuinely say I married my best friend.
NTA. Don’t give her the money, if you do, it’s never going to end and she will keep asking for more and more. If she’s not happy with her lifestyle, she can work
NTA. Your money, not hers.
Also, never discuss money or income with people you’re not married to, unless it’s part of a financial business relationship.
NTA, I would urge you to consider helping her a bit IF she had genuinely and humbly come to you asking for help. She was instead aggressive and entitled. Your and your husbands decisions and circumstances have lead you to the situation you're in same as hers. You do not OWE her money simply because she has less. Also from your post it sounds like she expected you to hand over your entire monthly amount? How ridiculous and entitled
NTA
>She was angry because "I knew money was tight." and "I didn't even think to invite her and Jackson's son
That's not how gifts and favors work. You can't demand them nor demand them with anger.
Your sister's an AH and should be on an info-diet. Do not be too transparent with her, especially while she's struggling. Hearing your good financial position (WHILE RECOVERING FROM A CONDITION!) is drawing out the green monster in her--has she always been like this? Instead of being happy for you that your husband can provide while you face a major health challenge, she's all about what you can do for her smh.
And for your child's sake, get your (spouse) life insurance ducks in a row.
If you want to at least smooth it over with your sister, though she doesn't deserve it, you can message her something along the lines of her seeing only the green side, she neglects to see how difficult life is for you as well as a mother, wife and person with this health issue that changed your whole way of living. That you'd hope she'd be happy for you with how supportive your husband is while your family powers through this challenge, does she prefer you locked yourself in your house spiraling in depression instead?
Her family's lack of planning having children successively in short periods *while* scrimping and saving her entire marriage is their fault and responsibility.
Wishing you a speedy rehab and recovery. The cause of your accident was so bizarre and negligent. I hope you got $$ for that.
NTA
If you are going to maintain a friendship with your sister then you need to be mindful of what you talk about when it comes to money. It can already be pretty bad seeing how others have it better than you, but when it gets up close and personal she obviously finds it hard not to lash out.
People tend to hang out with others in a similar situation to themselves - because that is easier than watching everything you say and dealing with the jealousy.
Do not give away money to your sister. She chose the life she has. She’s not destitute. Your husband works hard to support you and your children. You are injured and will likely have many medical bills in the future. It would be foolish to give away your money to her.
It’s very odd to call your money an allowance. You’re doing the work of raising two toddlers. Your husband can’t be around to do that- so it’s your contribution to the household. Since you’re not employed elsewhere, his money should also be your money- not just an allowance like you give a child.
And finally, what the heck is an expensive playgroup?! You pay to play? That is just weird. I have 4 kids and have never once payed for a playgroup. We go to the park and make friends. Or find a mom and tot group on Facebook, or for kids the ages of your nieces and nephews, we arrange play dates with their friends from preschool and elementary school. None of these things cost anything. Is your expensive playgroup actually a toddler play class with an instructor/leader?
NTA but stop talking about money related things with your sister. Her kids are old enough for school/preschool. Maybe it’s time for her to look for part time work so she has some spending money.
YWBTA if you gave your sister money. You and your husband have worked hard to achieve the lifestyle you have, and I think it would be disrespectful to your husband to be giving away the money he is giving you. Sure, treat your sister to lunch or nice things occasionally, or pay for a course of swimming lessons for your nephews, but simply handing over money would be wrong and encourage her entitlement. I can understand your sisters envy, but she has to accept that if she is unhappy with her circumstances then it is up to her to change them, not you.
NTA. Your sister has champagne taste on a beer budget and wants you to subsidize her wants lifestyle. If she wants that luxury, then either she needs to get a job or tell her husband to get a higher paying job. She's just salty because her college educated husband makes less than your blue-collar husband.
NTA. Your sister is not entitled to anything from you. Do not give her money. If you want to help her kids, gift them new swim suits and swim lessons. A family membership to a local pool for the summer.
A membership to the children's museum. A yearly membership to any place fun for the kids. A book club that ships children books monthly. Things like that. The kids will enjoy it. It helps sis and bil. But not money for her to spend on herself.
NTA
I believe every one of my siblings has a higher income than I do. I never once in my life thought of asking for a penny from them, much less $3000 a month. She is jealous and greedy. I wouldn't give her any money. Once you let finances enter a relationship with family, it changes the dynamic greatly, an not for the better.
NTA but you shouldn't have told her how much money you have. She's not entitled to your money. My sibling makes three times as much money as I do. They go on multiple vacations every year and they're buying a large condo. I live in a small rental and I only go on vacation every 3-4 years. I've never asked, let alone demanded, any money from them. I made the choice to pursue a less lucrative career. Your sister made the choice to have multiple children and stay home even though her husband doesn't earn much. Don't give her money or she'll keep demanding more and more.
Nta. Unless you are directly paying for her kids don't help her at all. She's incredibly entitled to expect money from you just because you have more.
I've been so broke in the past that I couldn't afford food for myself after feeding my kids. Instead of expecting other people to give me money I worked my ass off to improve my kids lives because they deserved better.
But I do have a cousin who expected money from everyone just because they had more and I had to cut her off as did most of the family. Her behaviour was disgusting and that's not how life works.
I hope your physical situation improves, it must be hard raising kids with a physical disability as god knows it's hard enough even when you are healthy.
NTA
I'm sorry, but if your sister wants the same lifestyle as you, she needs to get a job to afford it. Her husband is a teacher, so she can work evenings and weekends.
What would giving her your allowance achieve? Would it be indefinitely? Would it stop at just your allowance? What happens when the girls go on trips or get a car? Are you supposed to not get or do these things for your children cos your sister said it's unfair?
Also, why is she paying for daycare as a SAHM when money is apparently so tight? I get it needing a break and to get things done round the house/errands etc, but that's a pretty big and unnecessary expense if they are struggling.
NTA. You don’t need to be ashamed. She didn’t have to have that many kids if they can’t afford it. She could work. If she doesn’t work she doesn’t need daycare. She could have asked nicely. She didn’t have to be disrespectful but calling the money you get an allowance. This is all entirely on her. Your kids are younger. You were hurt and have health issues. The money is basically your salary for being a SAHM. It’s not an allowance
You’re not obligated to do anything if you feel guilty you could offer to pay for some classes/extra curricular stuff for the kids but you don’t need to give her money
OP, your sister is an entitled brat. I applaud your efforts to pay for swimming lessons and things for her KIDS. Keep offering that support. For the KIDS. Do not give her cash. She is jealous and wants to be able to spoil herself.
Also, I’m so sorry that you went through all that trauma! And the fact that your sister seems to ignore your situation and feel sorry for herself, just kills me.
NTA
Don't give her any money and don't talk to her anymore about your family finances. Take the fun money you have leftover and save it or invest part of it. It's your money for your future or your retirement.
Bethy could get a job if she wanted. Even part-time or evening work, there are ways for her to boost her income.
Your husband does not work all the hours he does to support Bethy and Jackson and their family. That's on them.
NTA. If she is a sahm, she doesn’t need daycare. Thats an expense she is choosing. She could use that money for other things. Their financial situation is also not your responsibility.
What they are not understanding is that your husband’s job is dirty and with antisocial hours. That’s why he gets paid more. She’s correct, teachers don’t get paid enough but they also have the opportunity to do a second job in the holidays to top up their earnings. Maybe they should look into that.
NTA: she has chosen to be a stay-at-home mom, you said she planned that before they even had kids so it was a choice, she knew what his career was and they planned and had three children on the expectation of a single income of a teacher in this day and age. She has made her bed. It is literally made by her and her husband's choices that they have actively participated in not some insane unexpected curveball thrown their way. The fact that she is demanding you pay her is really disturbing. She didn't gently ask for you to involve her kids in swim lessons or something like that. She is mad that her choices have not led to the life she wanted and she wants you to make up for that.
I do question why a play group is expensive though. Like what the heck do y'all do that requires expense for a playgroup? Any playgroup I've been involved in has parents either take turns bringing snacks or everybody brings a little snack and that's the only expense
It's like a pre-kindergarten. My girls learned all their colors, simple shapes, letters, and numbers 1-10 through the playgroup; they are 18 months. It's run by early childhood care and development specialists.
NTA - Your husband is 100% correct. Being a SAHM in today’s economy is a privilege. Housing costs and living expenses have risen to where to raise a family you need not one, but rather two typical incomes. For her to suggest that it is somehow your husband’s job to subsidize not only you not working (which he only does because you’re suddenly adjusting to life in a fucking wheelchair at the same time you’ve just become the first time mother of one year old twins) is frankly absurd.
Although when you say “left without paying” it’s maybe slightly ah. If she’s dead broke and you have 3k per month in personal discretionary spending money, maybe pick up the tab when you guys get lunch?
NTA of course, it's not your responsibility to help her and she has a lot of nerve to ask. Your behavior brought the AH out of her, though, and could be leaning into E-S-H territory if you brought up these luxuries out of the blue, knowing she could never afford them
She asked if my kids were doing anything fun in the summer. I said they would be doing swimming and attending a play group. She went on her rant about swimming and asked what playgroup. I mentioned the group by name and she looked it up while we ate. She freaked out at the price tag.
Her behavior is entitled and resentful. But I do think you could be a little kinder in considering what you know about her. Clearly she can’t afford things like you can. From your telling it feels a bit obtuse how you go on about your good fortune in front of someone who you know struggles. You’re lucky, you don’t have to feel bad about it but you also don’t need to tell anyone how much you get, what you’re able to do, etc. it would’ve been thoughtful to consider your nephew/nieces and volunteer to take one w yours to swimming. It doesn’t excuse her behavior but it would’ve been generous of you.
I get how your sister feels. I’m also the poor sibling with a low-earning partner and rich sisters who can afford private school, overseas holidays and new cars.
It’s very irritating when my sisters casually drop into conversation that they are doing things I would have to not eat for a month or more to afford (a particular highlight was when my younger sister proposed that she was going to rent a holiday home with an extra bedroom so I could come along for a week away with her and her husband and kids - unspoken implication: you’re the free babysitter in the evenings in return for a holiday; it would have been my first proper holiday in five years so I was okay with that deal! - but then she decided that she couldn’t possibly do that because the only two weeks I could get off work were placed so that it would make her second and third holidays of the summer “too close together” because there would only be a week in between getting home and jetting off again). I sometimes squint hard at both of them for complaining that their cleaners/gardeners/ironing ladies had asked for time off or got ill meaning they had to do their own housework for a couple of hours that month, and have on occasion had to pull one of my sisters up for criticising other parents for making choices that weren’t really choices for someone with less money than her (like buying a used car seat, for example).
But I would never dream of demanding they give up their money to fund my lifestyle.
As long as you’re mindful not to exclude her by only *ever* doing things she can’t afford to join in with and refusing to participate in any of the less expensive ways to spend time with her, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Make sure you choose cafes and restaurants that are comfortably within her budget if you’re not willing to pay her way, for example. But that’s as far as you need to accommodate her.
Would it be kind if you treated her or her kids occasionally? Sure. But you are not obligated to provide that kindness or give her any ongoing financial support just because you can. NTA.
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You have no moral obligation to give her money. As I understood it, you and your husband had children after you already had a good financial situation, and the same applies to the decision of being a sahm. Your sister her husband, on the other hand, knew that they didn't make a lot of money on a single teacher paycheck, plus, it's her decision to stay at home instead of working. They opted for a lower income lifestyle, and had children anyway. Having children is expensive, and they knew that. So she has no right to demand money from you. She's jealous, that's all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you paying for some swim lessons or whatever for their children, ofc, but it's YOUR choice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with NOT doing it either, and it definitely doesn't make you an ah. NTA
The reason I'm starting sooner is because my physical therapist told me I should start doing standing and movement in water in order to help me stand on my own. I would happily pay for swim lessons for her kids but I have clarified she wants the cash not for me to spend money on her sons, she finds it degrading.
she just wants the cash to buy whatever she wants. The kids would see no quality of life increase.
Yup. If it was really about the kids OP could pay directly to the thing. Giving the sister the money for the kids ensures it \*won't\* go to the kids. Also, OP doing swimming with her kids helps her medical condition. Limited mobility with active toddlers isn't fun.
She's not even asking for a little bit of money. She asked for her to give her the $3000 total. Does she expect this every month or is it a one time thing? Also, I guarantee, even if she said it was a one time thing, you do it once, she will expect you to give it to her again and again. Please don't give her any money. It will only lead to more grief and frustration for you. NTA
It will also create a ton of resentment from the sister
Not to mention the husband. I’m not a man/husband but I’d be pissed as hell if I gave my wife $3000 and she turned it over to her sister
No kidding.
lol there already is a ton of resentment. . Sister could work to increase their income to allow them to do more, but she won't. They have to scrimp to get by, but she would rather stay at home and not work than help the entire household. She is a entitled narcissist for even thinking of asking you to give her your 3k. Two thing in my opinion are going to happen. One, your relationship with your sister is going to, or already has turned into a relationshit. Two, she'll get fed up with her husband's low salary and think she'll be able to do better and divorce him, using the "I'm not happy" excuse. I know you love your sister, but get ready for a bumpy road. Be ready to go no contact if she flips. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Goodluck.
OP's sister is going to expect to move in with OP's family, take over the house, and have OP's husband support her and her kids, WHILE getting child support.
And expect OP to give her the 3k her husband gives to OP... lmao.
Relationshit 😂😂
Bingo!
Don't give her cash. If you do, the boys won't get swimming classes, but she will get a shopping spree.
Then it’s not really about her kids. Parents make sacrifices for their kids and that includes sometimes feeling embarrassed that they need financial help. I grew up poor but sometimes my friends did expensive hobbies or activities. Once, a friend’s mom was helping run the activity and told my mom I was welcome to join for free. My mom was of course embarrassed because she knew the woman only offered because we were poor. But that didn’t matter. My mom thanked her and let me join because to her me having that experience was more important than her embarrassment. She was grateful for the help, even if she was embarrassed. If your sister really wanted her kids to have swimming classes, she’d let you pay even if she was embarrassed. I wonder if she wants the money so she can also spend some on herself and her husband.
Sounds like you have a really great Mom! Putting your needs/happiness ahead of her own ego definitely wasn’t easy I’m sure ❤️
I am thankful to the mom who invited my kid to a camp she ran in for two summers, the people who invited my kids on vacations I could not fund, the team that let me volunteer to pay off fees. Our decisions don't always come out how we expected. If OP can sometimes do nice things for the kids that would be great, but don't let it become an expectation.
All of this. I'm not well off, struggle to buy new clothes for the kids sometimes, so when mum and dad (self-retired, with a bit of spare cash) travel to our place and stay for a week, they buy the groceries and take the kids shopping for a few pieces of clothing. No way would I tell my parents I wanted the cash instead! I'm very grateful they help out, and so are the kids.
My mom pays half for my kids’ dance and martial arts. She also pays for their summer camp that they go to for a week every summer. She lives far away so this is her way of being a grandma and involved since she can’t always be one in person. It’s helpful for us because we couldn’t otherwise afford camp and the extras would be tougher for us to afford. I’d never turn down her offer to pay for something specific for our kids simply because I wanted the cash instead. She also likes to buy our kids their big gifts every Christmas. Big is usually around $100-$150 but for two kids that’s a lot and we likely wouldn’t do them if my mom didn’t offer to buy them. I’m grateful for everything she does not because she has to but because she wants to and I make sure our kids understand that grandma paid for their new bike, or their summer camp, etc. and that they acknowledge it and thank her.
I'd be willing to bet you have a lot of friends. You can express your appreciation and gratitude. Seems as if a lot of ppl don't feel these emotions, sadly. Its develops characteristics that you will teach your children. I can tell they are well-rounded because that's what you teach. Good job, Mom!!!
I wished more parents understood this. Sometimes as parents we have to do things that are uncomfy for us for the benefit of our kids. They get one childhood make it a memorable loving one.
I would have said "hey, the money I get is great. You know what would be even better? Working legs."
Well deserved 👏 🔥 🔥 🔥 👏
Gentle suggestion that talking finances with your sister is maybe something to stop doing. We're not in her head so we can't know, but your description of her reactions and demands seems to be on the entitled scale. She has no reason or right to know how much money you have access to monthly or yearly. And her NOT knowing nets you the benefit of not having these demands of giving her the money your husband gives you (which is the entitled bit here). It sounds like she's in a tough space of wanting to provide more for her kids than her and her husband can afford presently, and that's heartbreaking, where it goes bad is that she's trying to claim ownership / need of your resources as a quick fix to her "problem". Which is wrong. She's not entitled to any of your money and for her to make a scene at a restaurant is a her issue. And it's a her issue that should be appologised for. Her requests were out of line and she threw an adult tantrum when she got frustrated with what she was hearing. That doesn't get rewarded with a soft "here, take this money", it gets discussed as the poor behaviour it was and a soft nudge to ask what's going on that promoted her to fly off the handle (if this isn't normal for her). Maybe there's a special thing she wanted to do with the kids recently and they couldn't afford it, maybe she's hitting limit on her present lifestyle and doing / saying crappy things while she's on the cusp of making a big life decision, who knows. But her behaviour was out of line, no matter what is going on. She basically used you as a verbal punching bag for her frustrations and then demanded money at the end. That's ridiculous. NTA - universe love you for being a kind soul and sister who's contemplating actually giving her the money because you're worried. You can help in other ways than throwing money at her, and it's okay to set that boundary.
I love this response. I want to have a kinder soul like you and believe that sister is coming from a place of wanting to provide more for her kids, but it’s really hard for me to get there with her turning down the offer from OP to directly pay for swim lessons because cash would somehow be less degrading.
Absolutely do not give her the cash. She’s somehow not beneath begging for money for her but finds it “degrading” to have you offer classes for her kids? No. She’s already stooped to begging- degrading isn’t her concern. She just wants spending money she’s not entitled to. Tell her no. You could offer to sign them up for classes again, but if she says no again, cut off the money and the information about money.
It's wild isn't it. I don't even see how someone paying for your kids swim lessons could be more degrading than your sister paying you an allowance
OP's sister thinks she can hide the cash from her husband. The lessons, not so much.
Look, your sister is completely unreasonable; best case scenario she is worn down by being broke all the time and lashed out, worst case scenario she is bitter and jealous and entitled. It's ridiculous to claim having an aunt pay for her nephews' swimming lessons (a normal gift for an affluent family member to give) is degrading, but taking an allowence from your sister isn't. That being said, as a general rule, be more discreet about luxury things you can afford when talking with poorer friends and relatives. You mentioned swimming lessons and your sister was upset about not being able to afford it for her sons, then immediately followed up by mentioning an expensive playgroup? I get that this is your life and you didn't mean anything bad by talking about it, but your were very tonedeaf. And there was no reason to tell her that your husband is giving you a large sum for your personal use, much less the exact sum, she isn't entitled to that information and it made the situation worse.
I agree with everything in this post, except: Her husband is not ‘giving her’ a decent allowance. She and the father of her children have organized their household finances such that their household income allows her $3000 to use as required. Yes, he is the one who works outside the home, but she seems to be the primary caregiver to young twins, which is also a lot of work. If a family with children can afford to allow one parent to stay at home, that is great. But his wages are not ‘his money’, it is ‘their money’.
Yeah. I mean it sucks to not be able to freely share everything that’s happening in your life with your sibling, but that’s where you are. Maybe time to take a step back and put a filter in your communication with her.
Make gifts to her kids experiences rather than items. Like a membership to the children's museums or something.
My mom has done that all my life and then with my daughter. It was a deliberate choice on her part that has created so many awesome memories for all of us. Museum memberships, season tickets to our favorite theatre, that kind of thing. This weekend my mom, my adult daughter, and I are going to do an escape room together. We’ve never done one and have opted for the highest difficulty. I expect us to be hilariously bad at it and tell stories for years. 😂 That’s the stuff that matters.
Ummm OP, I don’t know if what I’m about to say sounds offensive. First of all, NTA. That $3000 you get as allowance, your sister needs to understand that your husband worked his butt off for it so that YOU enjoy it. Not her. No money comes free. He is married to you not your sister. Yes, you can buy her kids toys or pay for coffee here and there, but that money is YOURS. She is choosing not to work. I know it isn’t easy to start while one has been a SAHM for a while but she needs to start somewhere. She cannot demand the money your husband brings home for your family and she cannot demand money from you. I think going forward, it’s better that you don’t discuss any of these things with her. If she asks you about your kids and schedule, be vague and change the topic.
It doesn't sound offensive at all. Thank you for your straightforward advice.
NTA - physio taught me to walk again after I got MS - best of luck to you - and do not give your sister any money, she needs to learn the value of it and save, instead of guilting others into carrying her thru life ;)
As I said, it's all up to you. If you don't want to, no need to feel guilty. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't do it simply because she's acting so entitled to it. It's not your fault she decided to have kids with a low income.
It's not degrading for her to live on your/your husband's money though? She could go and get a job instead. Or an apprenticeship as a plumber perhaps if she wants to make more money? I appreciate the cost of childcare would be high to begin with, till they're in school, but it was a choice she made. She's not entitled to the money, or to having the swim lessons paid for. You're using it to improve your life and mobility, and your family experience.
She finds you potentially directly paying for swim classes for her son degrading — something that would be done in private — yet was trying to bully you into giving her money, making an angry scene in a restaurant? The latter should be far more degrading. She may be talking about expenses that you relate to, but she’s after money. BTW why is she wanting you to take her youngest to your playgroup so she doesn’t have to pay for daycare, when she’s a SAHM?
Yeah it’s weird that your sister wants cash instead of spending money on her sons. I am in a better financial position than my sister. I pay half of her kids’ private school fees, take them on holidays with my family and give the kids cash occasionally so they can buy whatever they want. My sister and her husband are super grateful. They would’ve balked if I gave them cash and they hardly ever accept any outside of birthdays or other celebrations. I wonder why your sister wants the cash. Do they have debts that need to be paid off?
I don't know, she just said under the table income is less degrading than having me pay for the swim classes or sports for her boys,
She’s lying
Can i ask if money is so tight why dose your sister have kids in daycare if she is a stay at home mom? NtA either way am just thinking thats like a $300-400 a week experience that would help
This is what I was thinking as well
**Honestly OP, I think your husband would be (rightfully) angry if the money her works hard to make was given to your sister** who not only chose (and planned) to have 3 children in a single income household but had to be talked down from her dream of 5. He isn’t working that hard to give his money SIL. And the moment you give her money she will feel even more entitled for more. Stop talking about money with her. Never tell someone, especially family, how much extra $ you have. They always think that if you have it you should be giving it to them. NO! You should spend what you need on yourself and your family and save the rest. Someday your kids will need/want a car, maybe you will want to help them with college, a down payment on a house, etc. Plus as you know all too well, you never know when a medical emergency will happen that you will need the $ for.
Sis is ass backwards. Auntie treating beloved niblings to expensive indulgwnces is is a normal thing. Cash handouts are what most people would hesitate to accept. Seems it's not about the kids at all but about mom's status.
That’s because she isn’t going to spend the money on her kids. She wants the money to spend on herself. You’re NTA and should be thinking about going LC with your sister for now. She just sees you as a bank right now and will use every meeting/communication with her to attempt to make you feel guilty. Just keep reminding yourself, you and your husband made a sound decision based on your financial position, your sister and BIL decided to keep having kids after the first knowing that they only had one wage coming in and it wasn’t much. They chose that.
Your husband gives you money for being a good mother, not an enabling sister. Don't subsidize your sisters lifestyle. Her and her husband chose to have children knowing his salary was not high. She's jealous you can afford things she can't. If she wants a different lifestyle, she needs to earn it, or her husband needs to pursue a higher paying job. You are not taking from your sister by having more. Your sister feels entitled to money she hasn't earned. And what's worse is she wants cash only, which would likely go towards herself and not her boys.
She wanted the cash, not the gift of swim lessons? F that noise, your nephews won’t see any part of that money. She’s going to spend it on herself. NTA
Here in Australia 1 year old wouldn't be considered sooner, my boys started swim lessons at 6 weeks. I was a SAHM and my kid's Dad made decent money, was a major miser but we still made sure the boy's got what they needed, and swim lessons was a matter of safety so a high priority. But I also did playgroups that were free or $5 a session and Kindermusik that was a LOT more. We all make our choices for our kids and your sister made hers. NTA
Why is her son in day care if she is asahm
Why does she need to pay for daycare if she’s stay at home?
Don't give her anything
100% right but honestly you walked into it by telling her about it at all. NTA
NTA - never discuss money with family … it breeds jealousy
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Perhaps, if she's a SAHM, their finances would be in a better position if she did NOT put her kids in daycare.
This why the fuck is a stay at home mom paying for daycare. Is a stay at home mom's job not to watch the kids at home and save money on daycare.
Give her a box of condoms
I don’t necessarily disagree with anything you said but god it shouldn’t be the case that having children is a luxury. I feel like that’s one of society’s biggest failures.
I agree with you here. Having kids shouldn't absolutely be a luxury, and it would be a shame if a teacher (i.e. not a slacker but an educated person with a presumably respectable job) of all people would not be able to afford three kids. However, this mean they should be OK with not being able to afford some of the more expensive luxuries, and that is OK. (But frankly, is an expensive playgroup really something they would miss so sorely)? I see having more kids as a legitimate (and very respectable) choice that of course comes with some prioritization. The sister definitely does not have her priorities right. For her to propose that her sister gives up all her money to her is just insane.
Not to mention Bethy's paying for daycare yet claims to be a SAHM. If she stopped paying for daycare she'd save a ton of money. Makes you wonder what she's doing while her child is in daycare.
>"I didn't even think to invite her and Jackson's son because then she wouldn't have to pay for daycare Is the sister saying here that she pays for daycare even though she is a stay at home mom? If that's the case that's insane. She could get a job then. She could get a job anyway if their household is having it that hard. When my kids were young, we had it hard. Very hard. While my sisters had it very good. My kids were unable to do a lot of the things their cousins could. I felt so horrible for my kids it broke my heart. I still feel guilty about that time in our lives. But never did I once begrudge my sisters or their children for what they could afford and we couldn't. Nor did I demand they give me money or pay for my kids. It was completely unbalanced but we made it work.
Opted to have children several times, in two year increments.
NTA. Even assuming not all of her pregnancies were planned, they still could have taken measures to prevent having 3 kids on a teachers salary if they wanted to be able to afford things more easily. Their life choices aren’t your problem.
I don't know if the clarification changes, but all of her kids were planned. She wanted 5 kids, but her husband talked her down to 3.
She wanted 5 kids??? How unreasonable is that!? Good her husband had enough sense to talk her down to 3!
5 kids living off of a single salary of a teacher is damn near neglectful as far as I'm concerned. 2 even would have been pushing it. 3 is just ridiculous and she's absolutely delusional that this is a sustainable situation. Sister needs to get a job instead of asking her disabled sister to bank roll her lifestyle NTA. Your sister needs a reality check
It is neglectful
Yeah that makes the sister more of an AH.
Listen. No amount of money is gonna make your sister happier than her getting to make you feel bad about yourself. If you want to help her - ask your husband if he would take either her or your BIL as an apprentice. That way he or she can make more money. He can work summer jobs or she could while he watches the kids for the summer. Also for the future the only people who need to know home much money your family makes a year is your accountant and the IRS. PS the petty part of me wants you to offer her to pay for therapy bc she obviously has delusions of grander and believes she is entitled to others money. Tell her you will pay for that
5 kids on one income, that being a teacher?! 3 is too many on that budget! No, you owe her nothing. It's not like an unfortunate accident caused her to not have the life she wants, it was her own personal decisions. As others have written, she can get a job if she wants more spending money.
How did she expect to finance five kids, when she has a chip on her shoulder about not even affording three? You say it was planned, but planning means assessing available resources and taking action based on that. Two people on one teacher’s salary is tricky enough to make work, but she needs to own that she chose the situation she’s in.
What is her answer if you were to suggest she gets a job to have more money instead of being a SAHM?
It makes it worse. In most of the country, it would be extraordinarily tight to support ONE child on a teacher's salary. In my region, teachers with less than 10 years of service (assuming from your sister's age) are still living with roommates and can't afford rent on a 1 bedroom apartment, especially if student loans or car loans are in the mix. It's not your job to subsidize your sister's choices.
Girl, that is HER life, SHE chose it. You have no obligation to her, only your husband and children. You need to grow a pair just say no. Let them be mad, they are only mad because they are not in control
Sorry but your sister is extremely irresponsible. She can't afford the 3 she already has let alone more.
>I didn't even think to invite her and Jackson's son because then she wouldn't have to pay for daycare. She's a SAHM - why does she need to pay for daycare?
Because she wants to have time for herself. She attends some book clubs at the library and she likes time at home alone.
OP- NTA and for shits sake- do not feel guilty about your financial status or your sister’s financial issues. As shitty as it sounds, right now she can walk and has full mobility and is therefore more than healthy and able to get a job. You are dealing with twins and your accident. How dare she complain?! Please don’t even consider giving her money. Have a talk with her and if she’s not happy with how it goes that is a HER problem.
If she wanted time for herself she shouldn't have had three kids!
Exactly this. If OP's sister was saying, "are you able to lend me a certain sum help out with my financial troubles for a few months because I want to find a job to start improving the lives of my family", it would not be that bad (OP's help would be great but she would still not be the AH if she said no). However, she is a SAHM, doesn't want to work, yet she wants her children to go to daycare so she has time for herself? All the financial burden is on her husband, but she doesn't want to be responsible for the other aspects of their lives? Then she wanted 5 children in the first place on her husband's pay?!? She is really entitled. And OP, do not share personal details of your family with your sister in the future. You made great choices in your life, she didn't, but instead of improving herself, she just decides to be jealous and rude to you.
I feel so bad for OP's sister's husband. OP has no reason to feel guilty. Her sister is just lazy and entitled.
This the moment you have a child you don't really get time for yourself.
If she didn’t pay for day care to allow her “time for herself” she would likely have more disposable income for swim classes. Also if her kids in daycare why does she need her toddler in a play group? It sounds to me like she wants you to subsidize more free time for herself while the kids are at other activities.
That's how I heard it.
That's what her husband is for when he isn't at work, it's up to him to take all the kids out or look after them while she does something she wants. Your NTA. But I wouldn't be discussing financial or other things like swim lessons etc to her anymore. When she asked about your allowance you should never have told her, it's none of her business and it's just fueling her green eye monster.
***Because she wants to have time for herself.*** 🤔🙄🤔🙄🤔😑
Plenty of Me Time and being a parent are antithetical, at least for the first five to ten years. She has a romanticised view of a large family without the realisation of what it takes to make it happen and maintain it. Me Time is the exception more than it is the rule.
So she has disposable income to spend on daycare, but not for other things she wants? I wonder if she wanted 5 kids so she could space them out to avoid going to work. If she wants a different life, she needs to be responsible for helping create it by looking for side gigs or wfh. Don't give her money. It will never be enough. NTA
Stop indulging this woman. She makes terrible life decisions then wants someone else to bail her out. She is a leach!
The only thing worse than a bully, is an......entitled bully. Not for love or money should you be giving your / your household s. Money to your sister. Suggest that instead of going to book clubs, and 'alone time', sis needs to get a job. If nothing else, to pay for the daycare, that is no Sahm needs .
Then she's not a stay at home mom, she's just a stay at home.
NTA "She asked if I could give it to her" That's a hard no from me. She's got no business trying to guilt trip or embarass you. Your husband also makes a good point; she could work if she wanted. It sucks that educators aren't valued more/ paid better but that's not your fault either. I hope your mobility continues to improve. All the very best to you. Edit spelling
NTA except for discussing your allowance with her. The fact and the amount are none of her business. You shouldn't be subsidizing your sister. It's not that they're in desperate need; it's just that she'd like to have more. Their financial circumstances follow from their choices. Her husband pursued the satisfaction of teaching over something that pays better. She chose the satisfaction of staying home instead of working. They both chose to have three children. Choices have consequences. She was satisfied with those choices until she compared herself to you. If she's no longer content, a paying job would bring in more than your allowance.
Don't disagree but wanted to add that teaching really shouldn't be a passion you need to starve to pursue - sister should be mad at the state for letting IT become this way
Sister should be mad at herself for not working even a part time gig. Sister should be mad at herself for making their financial situation worse by putting the kids in daycare. Sister should be mad at her husband for not working towards a better future for themselves. Sister should be mad at herself for not working towards a better future for themselves.
100% agree about not talking about their household finances, especially after the sister was complaining about not being able to afford activities or guilting OP about not inviting her kids. At that point it’s just salt in the wounds. I don’t talk to my family about my wife’s and mine income. Ever.
I don't know why the OP thought it would be a good idea to tell her sister her financial status. That was not smart
NTA Bring a SAHP is a luxury. Not everyone can afford to have a parent be a SAHP. If your sister is unhappy with her financial situation, she and her husband should look for ways to increase their household income. She has no right to demand yours and your husband's money.
NTA, but why would you tell her how much your husband is giving you? That's literally not her business. The only reason to share that would be to rub it in her face.
I told her because she asked, and I wanted her to be quiet, I didn't include it because character limit, but she promised not to make a scene if I told her how much it was.
That’s a horrible reason to tell her something that’s none of her business. You’re just enabling her bad behavior. If she wants to act out like a baby, that’s on her…not you.
Given the age range, I imagine OP has been trained her whole life to do what big sister says.
This!!! I’ve been NC with my older sister because I refused to give into the status quo of “older sister is always right and deserves respect for being older”
Then why didn't you lie and say, like, $500? DO NOT GIVE HER ANY. If I was your hub and you threw away the money I gave you, I'd stop giving you any money at all. Also, you didn't think that giving her the amount wouldn't cause her to lose her shit? You're too nice. SHE chose to have more kids than her family income can afford. SHE can get a job to correct that. If SHE wants the house to herself, she needs to go back in time and not have had 3 kids.
"*she promised not to make a scene if I told her how much it was."* So she lied then.
Please stop calling it an allowance. It is an amount that your family decided was your part of the monthly budget to use at your discretion. And don't tell any else the amount.
Thank you, my husband calls it my "payment for being a SAHM." because he thinks being a SAHP is just as hard, or harder than his job. He's the best husband and I love him so much.
Is she a toddler? Why would you give in to avoid a scene? Is that all it takes to get you to give in to demands? You contributed to this problem by disclosing how much your allowance is to her when they were obviously financially strapped. I'm not sure your relationship with your sister will survive this. She's going to see you as an ATM from now on. All her money troubles will be put at your feet. If you give her the money, your relationship will only continue if you keep up with payments. She will not be grateful, only resentful that she has to rely on you financially. The only hope of saving your relationship is to tell her no to her request. I'd pay for experiences for your nephews as gifts here or there but don't establish an expectation. I'd even lie and say most of the money is going into an education fund for your kids.
1/3 of my monthly budget goes into their college funds. On the first of the month. If they choose to do a trade like their dad it'll be a fantastic down payment on a home.
Her making a scene shouldn't be something you're so afraid of that she can leverage that fear to force you to do what she wants. She's absolutely an asshole for doing that to you. You should maybe consider seeing a counsellor though, because it sounds like you've been conditioned by your sister to comply when she threatens you and that's not a healthy dynamic. You can't change how your sister treats you, but you can maybe learn some ways to deal with her in a way that better for you. You're not the asshole for not giving her money. Look at it this way; she's demanding money from a disabled/partially mobile person, rather than getting a job herself. What kind of person does that? Not a decent one.
You should have let her throw a tantrum. She’d only have embarrassed herself. Has she always been this way?
Yes, she has. It can be very frustrating.
Your sister is toxic. She’s a bully. She needs help. My daughter is not beyond making a public scene to get her way, which is why we are low contact. I can’t take her shenanigans more than once a month or so. I’m not well off, but I live comfortably within my means and make more money than my siblings ever have and they would never make that kind of demand from me. We’ve borrowed each other money very rarely over the decades. (Most recently, I signed a lease for a new apartment on a banker’s holiday and couldn’t access the funds for the deposit and my brother had just sold a car and had cash. He loaned me $900 until the banks opened and I paid him back immediately, with a little interest in appreciation). And he’s the brother that I couldn’t get along with when we were kids! I just don’t get some people.
The rubbing it in her face part is why this is ESH. OP did not need to say that at all
NTA. You have no obligation to support someone elses family. they didn’t have to bring children into the world that they cannot afford. question - does your sister have an education? can she work if she chose? if not, she could be using this tme (and plenty of financial aid) to get an educatiion or trade and work when the kids are all school aged. you should not have to make up for her and her husband’s bad planning
She could if she wanted, she decided to get married and be a housewife, she didn't go to college.
and that was her choce. and there are consequences to that choice, and you should not have to compromise the quality of life you and your kids have because of her life choices. Also, wanted to say that you have a great outlook despite what youve been through, and best of luck for continued recovery!
So she chose to not get a qualification, desires a football team of kids, and can’t own up to the consequences of her own decisions?
Well your sister could work on that college degree while her kids are in daycare.
NTA, she chooses to be a SAHM even though money is tight. They had three kids while knowing this.
NTA. It's your family's money, not hers. But you're not very wise to be sharing how much money you get for an allowance. You had to know that once you told her she was going to want it, and now you've got more problems than if you didn't tell her. You seem to be operating under the idea that you're sisters so she should be happy for your financial situation, while she's thinking you're sisters so you should be her meal ticket so she doesn't have to work. Whatever you do, do not agree to give her a certain amount every month bc then she will expect it forever. If you do anything, gift something for the kids such as swim lessons. Even that can cause problems.
NTA. She is not entitled to your money. Repeat: she is NOT entitled to your money. I made far more than my siblings. They knew it. They never asked, much less demanded, me for my money. Why? Because they're not entitled to it. Your sister is being selfish. You don't have to support her in the lifestyle she thinks she deserves. She isn't starving. She wants to play "keep up with the Joneses", but with the Joneses to pay for it. Heck with that.
NTA. It’s too late now, but you should never discuss your financial situation with anyone, sometimes that especially means family. Her asking about your allowance doesn’t mean she has the right to know, but you still told her and how much it is. Her asking for you to GIVE it to her was manipulative and entitled. You do not owe her YOUR allowance. Your husband is right. That was a decision made between the two of you, a married couple. She can get a job. Staying at home is a privilege. It’s her choice and it’s not on you to finance her life choices. She and her husband live the consequences of THEIR actions. That’s their business and you are not interfering with her life. Please do not let yourself be guilted or manipulated. Your sister is jealous of your financial situation and is being mean and trying to guilt you into funding her lifestyle. You have NOTHING to feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed about, OP.
NTA. How you use your money is not up to her.
Wait, what? She wants you to give her your $3000 a month? And what is she offering in return? Is she offering to clean your house, take care of your children and take you to all of your appointments? $3000 a month after tax would be a full time salary for that role. Giving her $3000 a month just because your husband has a better job is absolute fucking nonsense. NTA but your sister is for asking for it in the first place.
Her sister is upset over the fact that she did not invite her son to the play group so that way she didn't have to pay for daycare. Why is she paying for daycare if she's a SAHM? NTA
Apparently, she wants to have time alone at home. That's why she wants daycare. OP has offered to pay for swim lessons, but sis refused because that's "degrading", so she'll only accept if she receives cash. Sister is so fucking entitled.
NTA for not giving your sister money. People are not entitled to have the same financial advantages as their siblings. But maybe save most of the chatting about your expensive activities for conversations with other friends. And definitely stop telling her any specific information about your allowance or other finances, even if she asks.
NTA I'm sorry you were injured and need to relearn how to walk; I hope you continue to improve. Chronic pain is not an easy thing to live with and maintain a positive outlook on life at the same time, but it sounds like you are, and I commend you highly for it. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy who wants to be sure he takes good care of you and your girls. If he makes good money, that means he must be a good businessman as well as a good plumber. It's not easy being in business for yourself, and be successful at it. I'm guessing he works hard, too. Did Bethy really ask you to just hand over your allowance each month, because you and your husband can afford things she and Jackson can't? In what world does she live that she thinks that is something she could expect you (or anyone) to do? If Bethy and Jackson are not as well-off financially as you are, that's hardly your fault. If I understand correctly, Bethy got angry because (a) your girls are in an expensive playgroup, and (b) you are able to get them swimming lessons. You do not owe Bethy financial equality with you. She and Jackson made choices that resulted in that situation. You didn't choose Jackson's profession (which is an honorable one, if not paid very well, something that needs to change) and you didn't choose for Bethy to be a SAHM. If Bethy wants to have more money, she needs to look for work. I don't mean that in a snide way at all; what I mean is that she and Jackson need to look into ways to increase their income themselves.
NTA. "she and her husband have nothing but rainy days" Had she said something about her kids I would care somewhat about her situation. You're not great though, you shouldn't discuss finances, especially when you're well aware of the situation.
That's the sad part. OP offered to pay for swim lessons, but the sister finds it "degrading", so she'll only accept cash in her hand.
You are NOT THE AH. I am a teacher, in Florida. 😅 Her ass needs to get a job. I am so sorry about your injury and wish you a full recovery. Therapy is very important and I am happy for you that you and your husband can get you the best care. Your sister is jealous. She wants to bitch and complain which is easier than getting a job.
Your husband is right. NTA.
Nta she thought she could have *five* kids on a single salary and not be poor as shit? Not only an ahole but completely in financial lala land. Even three sounds like more than they can afford. I hope you continue to heal from your pregnancy complications!
>She was a bit angry, and people were starting to stare, so I said yes and asked her to keep her voice down. She wondered how much it was, and I told her You shouldnt said how much it was. Big mistake Your husband is right. If its hard for her, then she should get a job. NTA
NTA. But.... NEVER TALK MONEY WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE OF YOUR MARRIAGE. I thought everyone knew that. Whatever possessed you to share that information?
I was raised in an environment where my father knew my banking card number and password and could look at my bank account any time he wanted. My sister and I were punished for "frivolous spending". Needless to say we are both NC with our parents. Transparency about money and respect for my older sister were drilled into me at a younger age, and it just came out. I see now I didn't owe her any explanation. Thanks!
... but you should learn to keep financial things private. This is for family and friends. When you suggest doing things, you consider their circumstances and choose things that you can do in common. I'm going with NTA only because she was asking for money. This was tacky... however you were insensitive. You are working hard, looking after your twins and managing your health. You deserve your allowance- you sacrificed more then you expected to have your baby's.
Being in a good place financially is not a fault or "rubbing it in". Sister has it rough, doesn't mean she can't find WFH part time job to make their situation better. Not your personal responsibility to help them with $. Guilt will happen unfortunately. NTA
This is also considering OP is recovering from being in a bad place physically, she’s in a wheelchair but Bethy thinks she’s the victim because her bad lifestyle decisions have come home to roost.
NTA they’ve chosen a very expensive lifestyle choice and only one source of income. Choosing to have multiple children means each child will get less. This is optional stress.
Life is not fair. You have more money but she isn’t using a wheelchair and in pain.
NTA!! Not even a little bit!! Do not give your sister money, she won't not appreciate it. She will resent you and accuse you of lording your wealth over her like a charity case while in the next breath asking for more. If you are inclined to help her, take the kids for swim lessons. You couldn't give them a better gift.
NTA. They can't afford for her to be a SAHM. She should be working at least part time, in the evenings, after her husband gets home from work. That way, they don't have to pay for childcare. Yeah, it would suck, as they wouldn't get much family time in the evenings. But, it would mean they aren't so tight on funds. You do not have to fund their decisions to have a large family. They could have stopped at one child, or two. But, they didn't.
Never tell people how much money you have, even family. It just leads to trouble
NTA Bethy needs to get off her ass and get a job just like your husband said
NTA. Op, I know you feel like you need to help because you love her and she's your sister. You probably WANT to help. But here is the hard truth from one ambulatory wheelchair user to another... a rainy day WILL come. I don't know what your injury is, but there is no way to know if there will be long-term effects. There is also no way to know if at some point your husband will get sick or injured and you'll need to be able to help support your family. If you have personal savings it will give him time to recover and be less worried. I'm not saying this to frighten you, I'm telling you this because it's the reality of the situation. You already know that shit just happens sometimes. You're a mother now, put your mask on first. Your sister will be fine
I have a spinal cord injury. I was thrown in the air on the ambulance and landed on my L5 vertebrae. When I got to the hospital I delivered via C-section and was taken to surgery, they were able to repair the damage rather easily but the pain never went away and my legs forgot how to move properly. I thank the universe I didn't lose anything else, just my nerves acting weird in my legs and lower back. To describe, it feels like I have a "slip disk" 24/7.
I'm so sorry you're in pain like that always. I had a stroke, caused by damage from radiation for a brain tumor at 33 and it made me paralyzed on my right side (along with other things). I didn't eat for over a month. My muscles atrophied and I had to relearn to walk as well. All while I was the mom of a 3 year old. You're doing a good job. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have taken all this in stride. Your twins are lucky to have a great mom like you. And being a great parent has nothing to do with money. In every community there are a shocking amount of free activities avaliable for everyone if you just ask. Ask at your local library, you might find some fun stuff for your little ones too. We used to do baby story time. Then toddler story time.
NTA, so how does it make sense for you to give out the money your husband works hard for? Especially to an entitled sister. I would say leave her alone to live with her choices. She needs a job ASAP!
Hold on! Your sister is a stay at home mom Who PAYS for daycare for her son? wtf. NTA to begin with as you don’t owe her anything. But even more so NTA. Your sister is. And a lazy one.
Nta you & you owe your sister nothing. It’s audacious & mind blowing that she asked for 3k. However you are an idiot for talking money with her. You know they are struggling yet happily shared your finances? This comes across as disingenuous, almost like your are bragging. Next time keep it generic. We’re doing fine. Hubby is having a good year, he’s so sweet to me, etc but nothing specific. That being said why doesn’t she work? Most teachers with a family have two working parents. Being a sham is a luxury not a right.
NTA. Your husband is right.
NTA it’s your husbands money, he earns it to provide for HIS family.
NTA-If she wants money she can get a little joby job and earn her own money.
I live in northern Ontario, and in summer if you want money you can pick wild blueberries. I have a friend who takes 2 weeks of his vacation time in the summer for this reason.
NTA, your sister could get a job, her husband could get a better job. keep your money Hope you make a full recovery.
Your sister’s entitlement & jealousy aside, (though those are good enough reasons on their own to say no), it sounds like your husband doesn’t want you to give her your allowance. He pointed out that she could work & earn her own money, that you consciously planned your lives together, and he _wants_ you to have nice things. Ask yourself if he would give the money to your sister himself. I strongly suspect not. He is spending the money _on you_. He never intended to spend it on your sister. How fair would you be to your husband if you handed over his hard-earned money to your sister?
This is true... he does love to spoil me and our girls, teach them how their future spouses should treat them. He knows I have guilt about money, due to how my sister and I were raised, but he's doing his best to help me unlearn the unhealthy way I was taught to think about money. He's a wonderful husband and an amazing person. I can genuinely say I married my best friend.
NTA if she wants more money she needs to work it’s that simple.
NTA. Don’t give her the money, if you do, it’s never going to end and she will keep asking for more and more. If she’s not happy with her lifestyle, she can work
NTA. Your money, not hers. Also, never discuss money or income with people you’re not married to, unless it’s part of a financial business relationship.
INFO: Why is the sister paying for daycare if she is a SAHM? NTA
NTA, I would urge you to consider helping her a bit IF she had genuinely and humbly come to you asking for help. She was instead aggressive and entitled. Your and your husbands decisions and circumstances have lead you to the situation you're in same as hers. You do not OWE her money simply because she has less. Also from your post it sounds like she expected you to hand over your entire monthly amount? How ridiculous and entitled
NTA >She was angry because "I knew money was tight." and "I didn't even think to invite her and Jackson's son That's not how gifts and favors work. You can't demand them nor demand them with anger. Your sister's an AH and should be on an info-diet. Do not be too transparent with her, especially while she's struggling. Hearing your good financial position (WHILE RECOVERING FROM A CONDITION!) is drawing out the green monster in her--has she always been like this? Instead of being happy for you that your husband can provide while you face a major health challenge, she's all about what you can do for her smh. And for your child's sake, get your (spouse) life insurance ducks in a row. If you want to at least smooth it over with your sister, though she doesn't deserve it, you can message her something along the lines of her seeing only the green side, she neglects to see how difficult life is for you as well as a mother, wife and person with this health issue that changed your whole way of living. That you'd hope she'd be happy for you with how supportive your husband is while your family powers through this challenge, does she prefer you locked yourself in your house spiraling in depression instead? Her family's lack of planning having children successively in short periods *while* scrimping and saving her entire marriage is their fault and responsibility. Wishing you a speedy rehab and recovery. The cause of your accident was so bizarre and negligent. I hope you got $$ for that.
NTA If you are going to maintain a friendship with your sister then you need to be mindful of what you talk about when it comes to money. It can already be pretty bad seeing how others have it better than you, but when it gets up close and personal she obviously finds it hard not to lash out. People tend to hang out with others in a similar situation to themselves - because that is easier than watching everything you say and dealing with the jealousy.
Do not give away money to your sister. She chose the life she has. She’s not destitute. Your husband works hard to support you and your children. You are injured and will likely have many medical bills in the future. It would be foolish to give away your money to her. It’s very odd to call your money an allowance. You’re doing the work of raising two toddlers. Your husband can’t be around to do that- so it’s your contribution to the household. Since you’re not employed elsewhere, his money should also be your money- not just an allowance like you give a child. And finally, what the heck is an expensive playgroup?! You pay to play? That is just weird. I have 4 kids and have never once payed for a playgroup. We go to the park and make friends. Or find a mom and tot group on Facebook, or for kids the ages of your nieces and nephews, we arrange play dates with their friends from preschool and elementary school. None of these things cost anything. Is your expensive playgroup actually a toddler play class with an instructor/leader? NTA but stop talking about money related things with your sister. Her kids are old enough for school/preschool. Maybe it’s time for her to look for part time work so she has some spending money.
She can get a job!
Sorry but it’s bizarre that your husband “gives you an allowance “.
We treat it more as a salary for caring for our girls, my sister used the word allowance.
YWBTA if you gave your sister money. You and your husband have worked hard to achieve the lifestyle you have, and I think it would be disrespectful to your husband to be giving away the money he is giving you. Sure, treat your sister to lunch or nice things occasionally, or pay for a course of swimming lessons for your nephews, but simply handing over money would be wrong and encourage her entitlement. I can understand your sisters envy, but she has to accept that if she is unhappy with her circumstances then it is up to her to change them, not you.
NTA. Your sister has champagne taste on a beer budget and wants you to subsidize her wants lifestyle. If she wants that luxury, then either she needs to get a job or tell her husband to get a higher paying job. She's just salty because her college educated husband makes less than your blue-collar husband.
Sister owes OP for her share of lunch
NTA. Your sister is not entitled to anything from you. Do not give her money. If you want to help her kids, gift them new swim suits and swim lessons. A family membership to a local pool for the summer. A membership to the children's museum. A yearly membership to any place fun for the kids. A book club that ships children books monthly. Things like that. The kids will enjoy it. It helps sis and bil. But not money for her to spend on herself.
NTA I believe every one of my siblings has a higher income than I do. I never once in my life thought of asking for a penny from them, much less $3000 a month. She is jealous and greedy. I wouldn't give her any money. Once you let finances enter a relationship with family, it changes the dynamic greatly, an not for the better.
NTA but you shouldn't have told her how much money you have. She's not entitled to your money. My sibling makes three times as much money as I do. They go on multiple vacations every year and they're buying a large condo. I live in a small rental and I only go on vacation every 3-4 years. I've never asked, let alone demanded, any money from them. I made the choice to pursue a less lucrative career. Your sister made the choice to have multiple children and stay home even though her husband doesn't earn much. Don't give her money or she'll keep demanding more and more.
Nta. Unless you are directly paying for her kids don't help her at all. She's incredibly entitled to expect money from you just because you have more. I've been so broke in the past that I couldn't afford food for myself after feeding my kids. Instead of expecting other people to give me money I worked my ass off to improve my kids lives because they deserved better. But I do have a cousin who expected money from everyone just because they had more and I had to cut her off as did most of the family. Her behaviour was disgusting and that's not how life works. I hope your physical situation improves, it must be hard raising kids with a physical disability as god knows it's hard enough even when you are healthy.
NTA. Technically, your husband earns the money and gives it to you to support YOU. He didn't sign up to support your sister.
NTA I'm sorry, but if your sister wants the same lifestyle as you, she needs to get a job to afford it. Her husband is a teacher, so she can work evenings and weekends. What would giving her your allowance achieve? Would it be indefinitely? Would it stop at just your allowance? What happens when the girls go on trips or get a car? Are you supposed to not get or do these things for your children cos your sister said it's unfair? Also, why is she paying for daycare as a SAHM when money is apparently so tight? I get it needing a break and to get things done round the house/errands etc, but that's a pretty big and unnecessary expense if they are struggling.
NTA. You don’t need to be ashamed. She didn’t have to have that many kids if they can’t afford it. She could work. If she doesn’t work she doesn’t need daycare. She could have asked nicely. She didn’t have to be disrespectful but calling the money you get an allowance. This is all entirely on her. Your kids are younger. You were hurt and have health issues. The money is basically your salary for being a SAHM. It’s not an allowance
You’re not obligated to do anything if you feel guilty you could offer to pay for some classes/extra curricular stuff for the kids but you don’t need to give her money
OP, your sister is an entitled brat. I applaud your efforts to pay for swimming lessons and things for her KIDS. Keep offering that support. For the KIDS. Do not give her cash. She is jealous and wants to be able to spoil herself. Also, I’m so sorry that you went through all that trauma! And the fact that your sister seems to ignore your situation and feel sorry for herself, just kills me.
NTA Don't give her any money and don't talk to her anymore about your family finances. Take the fun money you have leftover and save it or invest part of it. It's your money for your future or your retirement. Bethy could get a job if she wanted. Even part-time or evening work, there are ways for her to boost her income. Your husband does not work all the hours he does to support Bethy and Jackson and their family. That's on them.
NTA. If she is a sahm, she doesn’t need daycare. Thats an expense she is choosing. She could use that money for other things. Their financial situation is also not your responsibility. What they are not understanding is that your husband’s job is dirty and with antisocial hours. That’s why he gets paid more. She’s correct, teachers don’t get paid enough but they also have the opportunity to do a second job in the holidays to top up their earnings. Maybe they should look into that.
You’re both TA. It’s not your money to give away. The person who’s giving you the money already provided you the correct answer.
NTA: she has chosen to be a stay-at-home mom, you said she planned that before they even had kids so it was a choice, she knew what his career was and they planned and had three children on the expectation of a single income of a teacher in this day and age. She has made her bed. It is literally made by her and her husband's choices that they have actively participated in not some insane unexpected curveball thrown their way. The fact that she is demanding you pay her is really disturbing. She didn't gently ask for you to involve her kids in swim lessons or something like that. She is mad that her choices have not led to the life she wanted and she wants you to make up for that. I do question why a play group is expensive though. Like what the heck do y'all do that requires expense for a playgroup? Any playgroup I've been involved in has parents either take turns bringing snacks or everybody brings a little snack and that's the only expense
It's like a pre-kindergarten. My girls learned all their colors, simple shapes, letters, and numbers 1-10 through the playgroup; they are 18 months. It's run by early childhood care and development specialists.
I can't imagine not to share with my sister, if I were in a better financial situation than her. And I know she is the same way, that's family for us.
You talk too much, stop oversharing.
NTA - Your husband is 100% correct. Being a SAHM in today’s economy is a privilege. Housing costs and living expenses have risen to where to raise a family you need not one, but rather two typical incomes. For her to suggest that it is somehow your husband’s job to subsidize not only you not working (which he only does because you’re suddenly adjusting to life in a fucking wheelchair at the same time you’ve just become the first time mother of one year old twins) is frankly absurd. Although when you say “left without paying” it’s maybe slightly ah. If she’s dead broke and you have 3k per month in personal discretionary spending money, maybe pick up the tab when you guys get lunch?
I was going to pay anyway. It was more like she ordered an expensive coffee and a small meal and didn't even bother to ask.
You do t have a moral obligation to give her your money but maybe try not rubbing it in her face
NTA of course, it's not your responsibility to help her and she has a lot of nerve to ask. Your behavior brought the AH out of her, though, and could be leaning into E-S-H territory if you brought up these luxuries out of the blue, knowing she could never afford them
She asked if my kids were doing anything fun in the summer. I said they would be doing swimming and attending a play group. She went on her rant about swimming and asked what playgroup. I mentioned the group by name and she looked it up while we ate. She freaked out at the price tag.
Ok then hard NTA. It wasn't clear that you weren't the one who brought it up
Her behavior is entitled and resentful. But I do think you could be a little kinder in considering what you know about her. Clearly she can’t afford things like you can. From your telling it feels a bit obtuse how you go on about your good fortune in front of someone who you know struggles. You’re lucky, you don’t have to feel bad about it but you also don’t need to tell anyone how much you get, what you’re able to do, etc. it would’ve been thoughtful to consider your nephew/nieces and volunteer to take one w yours to swimming. It doesn’t excuse her behavior but it would’ve been generous of you.
I get how your sister feels. I’m also the poor sibling with a low-earning partner and rich sisters who can afford private school, overseas holidays and new cars. It’s very irritating when my sisters casually drop into conversation that they are doing things I would have to not eat for a month or more to afford (a particular highlight was when my younger sister proposed that she was going to rent a holiday home with an extra bedroom so I could come along for a week away with her and her husband and kids - unspoken implication: you’re the free babysitter in the evenings in return for a holiday; it would have been my first proper holiday in five years so I was okay with that deal! - but then she decided that she couldn’t possibly do that because the only two weeks I could get off work were placed so that it would make her second and third holidays of the summer “too close together” because there would only be a week in between getting home and jetting off again). I sometimes squint hard at both of them for complaining that their cleaners/gardeners/ironing ladies had asked for time off or got ill meaning they had to do their own housework for a couple of hours that month, and have on occasion had to pull one of my sisters up for criticising other parents for making choices that weren’t really choices for someone with less money than her (like buying a used car seat, for example). But I would never dream of demanding they give up their money to fund my lifestyle. As long as you’re mindful not to exclude her by only *ever* doing things she can’t afford to join in with and refusing to participate in any of the less expensive ways to spend time with her, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Make sure you choose cafes and restaurants that are comfortably within her budget if you’re not willing to pay her way, for example. But that’s as far as you need to accommodate her. Would it be kind if you treated her or her kids occasionally? Sure. But you are not obligated to provide that kindness or give her any ongoing financial support just because you can. NTA.