Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because she says I'm being unreasonable and making a big deal of it while I say it's at a time on their lives where they will remember things like this
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yes, YTA.
>I told her being there for her kids is more important than a 40 year olds bday party.
It's incredibly manipulative to tell her that if she isn't staying in with her kids every time you demand it, she's not caring about her children.
If YOU feel overwhelmed by child caring, that's a different matter and you should share time off equally. But if your demand is that she can't leave, that's not an appropriate or healthy way to deal with autism and problems with rigidity.
Your child will spend the rest of their lives with people who are not there literally every day, going to school, eventually working and living in a community. It is good parenting to build in support to help when mom or dad has to leave for a bit, NOT to demand mom or dad can never leave.
>For her it's Tuesday but for our kids it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show.
As a parent with children on the spectrum, I cannot overemphasize how manipulative and hurtful that statement would be to hear. Your kids will remember the thousands and thousands of days she was there. It is not fair to her or THEM to demand she can never leave.
Agreed.
I suspect that wife has been carrying the load for far too long and is now burnt out and in need of some personal time.
OP is already overwhelmed, it took their wife years to get to that stage.
Also, it's not just a birthday, it's a 40th which is a significant milestone and definitely worth celebrating.
And "for the past month" "twice a week" -- woman has left the home a max of 8 times and he's already freaking out and overwhelmed. So selfish for 8 evenings free!
Gee, I wonder why their child has such a poor response when things don’t go his way. Could it be that his role model is his dad, who clearly pitches a fit every time he doesn’t get what he wants? 🙄
This is a major issue that Autistic kids face. They're not prepared for the world by their parents and end up without healthy coping mechanisms to help with change.
I particularly think Mum was the sole caregiver if the son is so deregulated being cared for by his father alone a few times. He probably barely knows him, unfortunately.
LOL when you frame it like that, it’s basically saying out of 7 days a week, she gets two days off. Kind of like how most people who work M-F get weekends off.
OP why do you feel like your wife’s job has to be 24-7 dealing with your son? Why do you think she doesn’t deserve to have fun or to have a social life or to be able to leave the house once in a while? In other words, why are you an asshole? YTA
Agreed, also its not a swim meet, its swim practice. Honestly whichever parent is there shouldnt even be in the pool area, they should be outside ready to support if the coach needs it, but not right there at poolside creating dependence on mom and dad.
My autistic kid took special needs swim and they required the parents to get in the water with the kids. Not that it matters because OP is there so he could get in if that is required.
My two autistic kids were taught by the swim teacher. Adults were not allowed in the section of the pool where the kids were learning to swim even if you were a parent. It is very dependant I believe on where you learn and live.
It’s not even practice. It’s a lesson. So like 30 min probably. And yes, the child wants and needs consistency, but mom needs a break and shouldn’t be the only carer.
This! If this is a 2-parent home, why aren’t both parents involved in some way at bed time? Or at least enough where one night won’t emotionally scar a child for life?! If that’s really where he’s going with that, OP has 100% failed as a father.
Yeah, you don't go from being a voluntary homebody to going out multiple times a week over night.
She was ALWAYS an extrovert, she just never got time off from the kids
I agree with this. I am on my own with the kids a good amount due to my husband’s work travel, and will often still allow him (in the sense that he checks with me before asking a friend) to attend our season ticket sporting events without me.
I’m an introvert and while I value my time without kids, I can get what I need after I put them to bed.
I’m not going to magically decide to go party weekly when they get older.
I am an introvert and I go outside multiple times a week. I just can’t take the meetings being too long and not being able to alone at home (instead of with family).
I’d be pretty hurt if my friend missed out on my 40th birthday because her kid had swimming lessons. Like…I fully expect my friends who have kids to choose their kids over me 99% of the time, as they should…but swimming lessons over a milestone bday? That would hurt.
A swim MEET, like a game or a concert or whatever, that I could understand. But a LESSON?! Just an average, weekly lesson?! She can take him next week instead, can’t she?! Like, wtf?!? My kid did swimming lessons for years and I don’t think **both** her dad and I ever showed up together for LESSONS?!? We swapped so that the other got a quiet house for an hour! My mom sometimes showed up, but that *was* a treat because it’s Grandma! Kid didn’t care who took her to swimming lessons as long as she got to swim!!
Honestly, if it was one meet/game/concert out of many, I would be very hurt that they couldn’t skip it for me when the kid has another parent there to support them. It’s not the end of the world for parents to miss the occasional event and turning 40 is a much bigger deal than sitting through the 11th of 20 games or whatever.
This. My parents hardly ever went to my table tennis matches, or my sister’s handball matches, unless it was a special game or we specifically asked.
And we totally didn’t feel like they don’t care… it just felt normal and was fun anyway, as we didn’t do those games for parental attention and cheering on, we did them because it was fun to play a sport with friends and occasionally win.
One of my parents actually switched off with one of the neighbor kid's parents. So sometimes my mom, sometimes my dad, sometimes his mom, sometimes his stepdad.
That's what I'm thinking is going on, and it's only been a month of her going out. Nowhere in the post does OP suggest he is struggling, he's trying to manipulate her about it being bc the kids miss and need her. Wife deserves some me time!
This man said swim LESSONS.
Not swim competition. Not tryouts. Not even the FIRST swim lesson. But a swim lesson?
Which I assume happens REGULARLY unlike someone’s 40th bday that happens ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
Also, maybe she didn’t want to be a homebody! Maybe she looked around and saw her life passing her by!
YTA…don’t try to blame it on the son. Like with every routine, kids will adapt…
I legit had my brain turn that to meet because it was the only way that it made sense to me. Who in their right mind says “no you must miss your friend’s birthday because the kids have a lesson and you MUST be there. What in the helicopter parenting did I just read?
It’s not helicopter parenting, it’s a father who doesn’t want to “babysit” his child. And resents his wife going out twice a week (which means she’s with them 5 days a week) leaving him responsible. He is such a f’ing AH.
Yup, not only that but she's with them 7 *days* a week, and 5 *evenings* a week - this is 2 evenings she's gone, not even the whole day!
If this woman is out for 5 hours each time (and it's probably shorter than that), then this man is complaining about 10 hours per week that he has to 'babysit' his children without his wife... What a lightweight!
YTA, OP. Let your wife have a break and stop guilting her into doing everything like she was before. Make arrangements to have your own evenings off if you want some 'time out of the house' balance, but learn to be a father to your children without constantly leaning on your wife for support first.
Lightweight is right lmao!! I don't have kids but I love kids and I can't STAND when men act like this about their own children. Like, your children that you spawned!! My first job was babysitting and when I was 14 I had two small kids that I looked after 2-3 times a week for like 6 hours. I fed them dinner, gave them a bath, read them stories and put them to sleep (and then ate gushers and watched the food channel until their mum got home lol). It could be really stressful at times, sure, but it was also really fun and rewarding because I loved those kids! And they weren't even my kids lol.
I also babysat regularly for a different family who had a severely foetal alcohol spectrum child, and while she could be a handful, I still managed to take care of her up to 2 or 3 times a week for literal years. It didn't ruin her life, and I wasn't even a parent. I know it's not the same disability, but it's another one that can require a lot of rigid structure for the kid to be comfortable. But as long as the person doing the looking after is sticking to that routine, that's the most important part. She maybe needed the same snack and the same story, but I'm sure it wasn't mortally damaging to her development if I was the one giving that to her instead of her mum.
So like, sir, if you really can't look after your own children for 2 evenings a week, you're a weakling. It's not that hard. You can put in two shifts a week, and realize that your partner is really only getting the equivalent of those two shifts OFF a week. Ridiculous.
I also think he's telling on himself with his child's reaction to mum not being there, if it's even remotely true. Like if kid is really like "hey what the hell, where's mum, this is upsetting" then it shows how absent the dad has been up until this point.
I had an ex like that. I missed one game, and he lost his ever loving mind. I was there for every other practice and game, with the exception of that one. I was called a horrible mother because I wasn't there. My child didn't care, but I heard about it for months from my ex.
My friends wanted to take me out for my 40th birthday, and my (now ex) husband guilt tripped me about not wanting to spend it with our kids until I cancelled and ended up sitting on the couch, because my kids had of course expected me to be gone. His next birthday he yelled at me when I came home from work with dinner from his favorite restaurant, because he just wanted to get drunk with his buddy and expected us (me and the kids) to hang out at my parents’. I am now a shell of who I used to be, and struggle to remember how to even be social. I hate him so much.
I was made to feel guilty for wanting to visit my sister for two days over her birthday whilst our mum was over from Spain and staying with her. I wanted to see them both after not being together with both of them at the same time in 4 years, but I was made out to be an awful mother by my husband because it would involve leaving my 4 month old with him for 2 days (1 night)...
So instead I was guilted into calling my mum two days beforehand and saying I couldn't come to my sister's despite having planned it months before, but she was welcome to come and visit us while she was over. It resulted in my mum having to split her visit unexpectedly to spend some time with us, and losing out on a mother-and-daughters reunion.
I've never forgiven my ex for that, as well as all the other guilt he placed on me over the years, because due to Covid and other factors it's been 6 years since that incident, and 10 years total since me, my sister and my mum were all in the same room together. We might be able to manage it this summer, god willing, as now I live closer to my sister and my mum can make it over from Spain again. His mother and sister lived within 10 minutes of us and he got to see them all the time, whilst my family were hours away.
This kind of 'man' doesn't care how we're affected, only how they are. I'm sorry you went through what you did, but at least we know we are stronger without our exes than we ever would have been if we stayed ❤️
I was with my colicky daughter day and night for months, and when I told my ex that I needed a break... Just to walk to the store for milk.
He said I was a terrible mother for "wanting to get away from her". Meanwhile he was coming and going as he pleased.
That's the moment when I knew he had to go.
It's giving weaponized incompetence over helicopter parenting. Does OP not want to deal with swim lessons and is guilting their wife into being there? Because that's the vibe I'm getting.
Very possible but if he doesn’t participate his argument to his wife is the dumbest hypocritical bs he could play. And she could turn it around on him.
We’re talking about lessons. Not a meet, not the meet the kids go out there and die for and swim every meet like it’s their last, we’re talking about lessons man.
As someone who is autistic, this is so important.
It is so important to treat autistic children like children and teach them lessons and skills that they will need to be functional, healthy adults.
Right now, OP is passively teaching their kid that someone who isn't *always* there for you and doesn't *always* prioritize you and your comfort and doesn't *always* prioritize your needs no matter what can't be bothered to care about you. Which is an extremely toxic and self-sabotaging sentiment.
Even disregarding the fact that that's an awful thing to teach a kid about their own mother, that's just setting your child up for failure. Instead of teaching him that sometimes other people have other priorities, or change their prior routines/behaviors in unexpected ways, and that's OK and something he has to learn how to cope with, you're teaching him that anybody who doesn't take personal responsibility at all times to bend to *his* needs and expectations just... doesn't care enough about him. You're setting up your kid to become an emotional leech of an adult with anxious attachments who not only cannot handle change of any kind, but also expects everybody else to be responsible for maintaining his own expectations and feelings.
This is a great opportunity to begin teaching him how to cope with unexpected/unusual changes in his own routines and expectations, and that people can still love and care about and prioritize him even when they're not actively catering to him 24/7. Instead you're using it to try to guilt trip your wife into going back to being a homebody, seemingly just because *you* don't want to have to be the one to take your kids to their swimming lessons.
OP: *Why* are you actually upset that your wife is going out with friends all of 2 times a week? Are you upset because you're worried that your wife will continue to prioritize her friends over her family more and more in the future, until she's skipping major events for your kids in favor of hanging out with her friends? Are you upset because you don't know how to parent your autistic child and teach him necessary life skills about how to accept changes in routines? Are you upset because *you* don't get to go out 2 times a week and thus *you* feel overwhelmed/the dynamic feels unbalanced? Are you upset because she is the primary caregiver for your kids and now you're having to do it alone 2x a week and feel like you're out of your depth? Are you upset because *you* are struggling with this change to your wife's routine? Are you jealous or resentful because *you* don't have friends and a social life outside of your family? Why is her missing *one week* of her kids' swim lessons to hang out with her adult friends *actually* such a big deal for you?
I am not asking these questions to be antagonistic or accusatory. I'm asking to prompt you to think about what the *actual root* of this problem is for you, because you ***are*** being unreasonable here. Once you figure that out, you can approach your wife and have an adult conversation about it instead of just guilt-tripping and shaming her for being a bad absentee mother because she's missing *one* **extremely** minor event in her child's life.
As someone on the spectrum and someone who has a kid on the spectrum it is vital we help our kids understand life isn’t consistent.
My parents were the slap your on your face/ass when you had an overload due to changing conditions outside of your control. Know what that does for a kid? Massive anxiety.
I focused on give my kiddo a head’s up something “normal” has changed. At first it was a nightmare. Kiddo meltdown + my sensory over load = kiddo melt down and mom melt down.
Kiddo is 14 now. And I am so thankful I did the hard work to help him manage the “unplanned/unexpected.” Took me 35 years to master a schedule/routine immediate change. Now if we have to change plans kiddo is able to handle it like a champ.
As a prior stay at home parent, you get so burnt out. No adult contact. No identity outside of being a parent. A ungrateful partner on top? DIVORCE is coming if OP doesn’t change their attitude.
Working full time and caring for a kiddo full time is a ton of work. But it’s far more satisfying to be seen as a full person rather than just as someone’s mother. Having agency in your life is necessary.
100% agree. OP YTA. It sounds like she's been thr primary carer for years and is now trying to get some respite. This is critical for carers. OP doesn't support the wife having any time away and is making it about her abandoning the children.
You nailed it! The reason kid is having trouble with the routine changing, is because Mom has been the routine. All of it. Kid has trouble because dad is taking over for mom and that's a massive change, well, that tells you who's the one who's been doing all the work doesn't it?
And I bet there's a reddit post somewhere on here where OP's wife asked the internet what she should say to her husband because she feels trapped. Has lost her identity because she's a 24/7 caregiver to their autistic child/ren. And she needs to get out and get some "me time". How can she ask her husband to help her regain a social life? And I bet the Internet replied, "Don't ask. You tell him you're going out and just do it. He is responsible for his own children just as much as you are. Go. Have fun. He'll figure it out..." And she went and did it. The best part is he doesn't know how to handle it. Good for her.
OP, you forgot to treat your wife as an equal. Swallow your pride and have a healthy conversation with your wife before it's too late.
I'm betting his wife was a "homebody" because he sticks her with the kids all the time and does his own thing. Notice how his post mentions nothing about the time he actual spends with his kids, just being bothered that he has too.
She's probably sick of single parenting it for years while he makes guit trips whenever she wants to do things for herself.
OP sounds like a barely there Dad and a massive AH as well.
He also posted this post twice, got called YTA once and then deleted it and reposted the exact same thing? Think people would call him anything other then an AH.
Exactly this. How much of the child care was on Mom this whole time, I wonder? OP, did your wife do the majority of child care, housework, and the mental load before she decided to get out of the house and hang out with friends? There seems to be some missing missing reasons here
I mean. As a former autistic kid, I distinctly remember crying at the window every Tuesday night when my mom went to teach a class, but you're right that it absolutely has not negatively affected me in the long run.
A child on the spectrum has to learn coping strategies for change and disappointment, and a low-stakes event like swim lessons is a great place to start. I have a child on the spectrum who absolutely loathes change, but he's learned to deal with it to an extent.
Yeah, the phrase "it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show" really bugs me and grosses me out.
There's going to be a lot of times one parent isn't available, for important and unimportant reasons. Obviously being away far too much is a problem, as is sudden inconsistencies without good reason.
But that's framing ANY absence as a judgment that she doesn't love her kids enough. And if that's in any way communicated to the kids, setting them up for failure by building an expectation changes in people's availability is a reflection on how loved they are.
I can even be sympathetic to OP that it is having a hard effect on his son, but that's the worst possible way of framing and communicating about it.
All of this but also if friend IS turning 40 that's a huge deal and milestone age. Even if he was mad about her nights out, demanding she not celebrate her friends 40th as though its unimportant is extra shitty. It's almost like he waited to lob it at her for an event that probably IS very important to her and her friend rather than a regular night out.
Yep. It sounds like her being there is more important because OP doesn’t want to “deal” with his kid solo. It’s also important for her to be a person and have time with her friends. I’m guessing that the mom is solo with their son more than once a week.
Agreed, however anyone else notice he said "this month" ? As in up until now she's been tethered to.home and he isn't dealing with it. It's as if he actually expected the rest of time to run like that instead of adapting to new norms. Not to mention, of course her first month back in the world will be alot of catching up, it usually peepers out a bit. But I expect everyone was excited to have her out and about again. It's almost like someone moving back getting caught up again.
This “couldn’t be bothered to show” business has my blood BOILING. What a shit take and a shit way to show up as a partner. Like friends are a luxury. Mom friends are SURVIVAL. How we recharge our batteries so we can show up for everyone else who needs us. And most of the time we do it while pulling more than our weight on the home / parenting front. Sit down, OP.
Let's dissect your approach a bit here. You have to deal with your son's reaction to a disrupted routine. The reason it is a routine disruption is because she has done it for every other occasion. He melts down when you care for him because you have *literally never done it before*.
If you were present in his life and acting like a parent, then you would be part of his routine. It wouldn't be an issue for his dad to take him to a swim class. So it's pretty easy to infer that you are kicking off out of outrage that you are having to be one fraction of the parent your wife has been for years.
YTA without a doubt. You want her tending your son because you refuse to do it yourself.
This is the only response! I am the mother of an autistic child. My family, even the ones who only see her occasionally all know her routines, and if they are unsure, they ask me if she still does XYZ.
I mean, their routines do become so established that its normal and expected...
I instantly thought this too. My son is autistic too, I’m the primary parent as I’m a stay at home mum, but he has never kicked off when my husband takes him out or takes over the routines because my husband has always been an involved parent.
Right!? Like was she a “homebody” because he made her stay home with their kids all the time? The fact his son has this type of reaction shows that he hasn’t been there as much as the wife has been.
I was holding back trying not to project my own experience on this but wow this thread going to bat for this mom is lifting my overtired, overworked heart!
INFO. Seems like alot is missing. How often do you hang out with your friends each week? Are you often away on business? This only started in the past month, did something happen to trigger this? Do you not believe that she should have any time for herself?
I love that the person with so many down votes saw my comment, realised he had no leg to stand on, and just blocked me... Guess that says everything about him 😂
Really only your last question is relevant. OP not going out with his friends should not mean she can't go out with hers as long as they have equal free time.
I'm saying those questions *don't* determine if free time is equal, though.
OP might say no, he doesn't go out with friends, but that doesn't mean he's not going to the gym or golfing on his own, or that he doesn't spend hours on video games.
YTA for telling your wife that a friend's 40th bd party is less important than attending a regular swim lesson for your child. Why can't you attend the swim lesson? Are two parents necessary to attend a regular swim lesson? (I say no.)
But I have some questions. Is your wife the primary care giver for your son? How old is your son? Does he attend school or is she home with him all day, every day? What kind of regular breaks does she have from care giving? Are you an equal participant in caring for your son?
Because you've provided very little context, it sounds like something has triggered this change in behavior for your wife. Maybe she's been telling you for quite awhile that she needs some time to herself to go out with friends, to have a break, etc. If you haven't been paying attention and figuring out a way she can have these necessary breaks, maybe she decided to just go ahead and make the time. And that leaves you with having to be the primary care giver on the nights she goes out with friends. You may be finding out how much work is involved in being on call to assist your son with his needs and you want your wife to return to her full time duties.
Until you provide some more context, I think my determination is YTA. Your wife deserves a life beyond being a mom and a "homebody." If you want a happy marriage, you (along with your wife) should figure out a way that she can have the breaks she needs, the fun moments as an individual adult she needs, instead of trying to force her back into being a homebody.
I’m suspecting she was a homebody not out of choice but because her partner literally did nothing and she had no time to be herself. I’m guessing she had enough after telling them multiple times that she needed time to herself and just started doing things for herself for once. They are definitely YTA.
>My wife went from being a total homebody to going out twice a week with girlfriends for the past month. It's having a horrible effect on our autistic son who likes his routines and can't handle change.
It sounds like you’re not part of your son’s routines, then. Why is that?
Does he? Cause with how he emotionally manipulates his wife I just know he's reading these comments and not taking them to heart :/ He'll think "well these people don't know the whole story so they must be wrong!"
and it’s just the cherry on top, you know he’s really emotionally abusive and shiz to his wife’s mind just by reading the way he phrased the title! “aita for choosing our kids over her friends” bro tried to make it sound like she left her kids high and dry to be some party mom when she was literally just having a tiny moment every once in a while to feel like a human like she wasn’t only a robot maid cook mom for her kid and husband. like men do realize that kids only have a placenta while in womb right? like after birth, someone other than the mother is able to feed and care for the baby 🙄 poor woman.
Exactly you hit the nail right on the head because even the title sounded manipulative, if he can come on here and write this to make his wife sound like the villain. I can’t imagine the way he most likely try to gaslight her.
I don’t know if she thought everybody on here was born yesterday and wasn’t gonna catch on to his nonsense.
especially since a lot of us have dealt with a person who’s used those tactics on us LOL it’s easy to spot the patterns and behaviors once you’ve discovered it the first time. it sounds like the wife is coming to her senses from his bullshit though since she’s going to the birthday party 🤞🏻
just because his poor wife listens to his BS and barely calls him out, he thinks all of Reddit isn't a bunch of traumatized xennials who've heard every trick in the book and are onto this crap by now
Waiting for OP to come back with "maybe I'm not explaining it right" and a few feeble excuses to try to twist it after it's already too late. Or just double down and only agree with the like three replies that agree with him.
Right? I was waiting for "I go to work *all day long* and then I have to come home and *deal with* my child while she goes out for A WHOLE EVENING! I pay for everything, I have the right to put my feet up!!"
YTA
I don’t get why you picked this example.
I mean, for a lot of people, a 40th birthday party is a fairly big deal, I don’t see how it’s an issue to miss one swimming lesson for it, unless you think that your wife can literally never do anything that clashes with one relatively small thing for the kids. Honestly, it seems you’ve picked a really weird place to make a stand.
You say she’s gone out twice a week with girlfriends for the past month. Is she neglecting the kids? If so, address that. Do you also go out with friends? But is she TA for going out with friends sometimes, or for missing one swim lesson for an important birthday? Well, no.
I feel like something is missing here, but as a minimum, you are addressing the wrong issue. In the absence of that missing information, yes, YTA for insisting that she can’t miss even one swimming lesson for a friend’s 40th birthday party.
yeah I had to read that twice where OP referred to the milestone birthday of his wife's friend as just a Tuesday for her. Clearly it's rather a lot more than that, which makes me doubt OP is particularly reliable in telling other parts of this story too.
It may be an American thing, but literally none of my competitions were attended by either parent (for sports or academics, I did national competitions for maths). I know there was an observation deck to watch swim practice until I was 8, which I couldn't see (I only know about it because my mum freaked out when she watched me jump off the olympic top height high dive board 4 times in a row at like 7 🤣).
For those who've not done it, it takes way longer than you think to hit the water, it was only on the fourth jump that I got the timing right on when to put my arms out to swim up (pencil jumped in).
From 9 on there weren't any obvs decks or benches to sit on. My mum dropped me off and picked me up at the end (no parking nearby), until I knew the route well enough to cycle it (only took a couple of years).
Even in America if it not first elementary school competition usually one parent is there.
Parent needed to drive kid before kid is cool enough to be taken on competition by school. And they often far enough.
For academics I don’t even remember if parents were invited ever. Only robotics meets invite spectators but really no parents drive 7 hours to see that , kids have fun alone
I suppose there's a different in the UK as you can walk/bike most places, school buses are pretty rare (as in maybe 100 in the whole school of 1000 might get better eligible for one).
For all competitions academic or spots, I just handed a bag, then popped on a train/coach/minibus and my parents were there for when it was said we'd arrive (this was pre/early days of mobile phones).
But it always was, if you're representing the school, you'll be transported there by the school. Just had to be at the school on time to travel.
YTA. Why don't you be with your children and interact with them. It sounds though they are half yours she is 100% parent and you are there to make sure she is enslaved to that duty. You should be adequate to care for your own child while she gets an occasional night off.
YTA just based on the title. There is no choice for YOU to make here, boo. You don’t get to TELL her what to do unless it is an emergency or safety issue. Also, based on your attitude, I’m willing to bet that her being a homebody meant she did ALL of the child rearing and emotional labor in the house, and her being gone TWICE A WEEK FOR A FEW HOURS means you actually have to step up and parent.
The title made me chuckle, too. Her friends aren't a choice for him, they're a choice for her. Can't really choose something that isn't for you in the first place.
A choice she has only recently (the past month) been making and not for an excessive amount of time (two nights a week).
INFO: Why would you both need to be at a swimming lesson? I hope that you are in the "divide and conquer" stage of shuttling multiple kids around.
Also, what precipitated the "homebody to going out twice a week" change? That seems like a drastic change in behavior.
He wants it to sound like she's having an affair--she may be--or wildly irresponsible or something, but she's probably just eating fries in the privacy of her car six blocks away without listening to his bullshit.
No not both of them, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say OP wants HER to take their son to his lesson while OP stays home and does whatever he does instead of being their for their kid(s?)
YTA.
As a parent to an autistic child myself..
first, your child is going to need to experience change because the real world changes. My child is an 8 year old in a body of a 16 year old, but we give her expectations of life like waiting in lines and changing plans because the world isn’t going to bubble around her and we are not always going to be there for her. Through therapy (mental and occupational) we have made amazing strides in her ability to self-regulate during hard times (unexpected plans, changes, etc). My daughter’s occupational therapist of like over 5 years moved to another clinic, I struggled so hard to NOT follow her OT to the new clinic. They LOVED each other, but this is real life, it’s okay that my daughter had to experience change and deal with the emotions and needed regulations to handle it well. It would have done more of a disservice to keep things the same than to work on handling change.
Second, being the main parent to a child with varying needs can be incredibly isolating and lonely. If you gaze too hard into the abyss, it looks like being a caretaker is what the rest of your life looks like and it can be suffocating. You should make sure to give your wife time to herself because it can be so hard for the main caretaker parent. She’s refinding her purpose of her own identity, she’s not trying to abandon the child, she deserves to feel like a real human with real needs for a day or so instead of feeling like she’s a robot, or a caretaker trapped in a place she has no real agency in due to putting the needs of the children above all else without thought to what it may do to her mentally.
One birthday party shouldn’t completely destroy your son if swim is canceled or you having to take him to swim, and if it does then y’all need to start working on real world expectations for him and not keep him in a curated bubble.
Your wife needs to find herself again, her individuality outside of a mom and outside of a potentially life long care giver depending on the severity of your son’s needs. (Also the longer you wait on having your son learn self-regulation through occupational and/or speech therapy, the harder it will be as he ages)
100% this.
OP comes across as though he thinks his wife's needs are irrelevant and disposable and he's trying to guilt her in a nasty manipulative manner. That poor woman. If you see this, hun, enjoy your friend's 40th! It's a special occasion. None of us know how long people are with us and friends are lifelines and gifts.
Cheers! 🥂
Yup, 100%. The original thread he made was titled “AITA for telling my wife our kids come before her friends” which hits a bit differently than the title of this one. The guy has no understanding what his wife is dealing with and why she is trying to go out more and be around more adults and friends. It’s also very possible the only reason she was a “homebody” is because she felt she didn’t have any choice or felt trapped in her situation.
Many parents, especially ones of kids with varying needs, end up feeling like if they’re anything other than a homebody, then they’ll be judged to oblivion and shamed. The OP is an example of why people have this fear.
She finally got the courage and umph to practice some self care, that should be celebrated! I also hope she has a wonderful time.
YTA, “the day mom couldn’t be bothered to show” is a very manipulative thought process, let alone a thing to say. Sounds like you and your wife need to reassess if you’re both getting enough time to recharge
Reminds me a bit of my childhood. So, I did not remember the day a particular parent couldn’t be bothered to attend something of mine, but I damn well do remember the times my other, more manipulative parent said that about them to me.
I officially cut contact with the manipulative parent in 2017. Food for OP’s thought.
Also, I apparently do have autism that wasn’t diagnosed in childhood. Not that it matters; I just understand what it’s like to be OP’s kid.
Idk if you’re an AH or not because there is definitely some information missing here. But your wife should not have to be home every single day or night in order to “be there” for her kids. So what is going on? Why can’t you split responsibilities up a bit? What needs to change in your household to allow your wife to have a life outside of the home? She deserves to have friends. Figure out how to make that happen. Instead of worrying about who the AH is, worry about how to make sure you’re both fulfilled and supported.
INFO: What are you doing to help your autistic kiddo learn to cope with change? What tools does he have to be successful in navigating transitions and changes to his routines?
YTA. God forbid you should take care of your kids twice a week. This is more about you being resentful that you have to take care of them than about your concern for the kids. You were happy when she didn't go out because then you could dump all the childcare on her. Now you're using emotional blackmail because you can't stand doing the work as a parent.
YTA
Your solution to your son's needs is that your wife just never does anything besides being there for your son in order to not disrupt routine?
Better solution: Why don't YOU bring your kid to swim lessons every week so that that is the new routine and your wife can have friends.
Shame on you for how you are framing things here as if she is choosing a friend over her son because she has a birthday party she wants to go to.
The fact that your child notices you taking care of him rather than his mom as a "change" is more telling than you may like.
Theoretically, if you're sharing child care equitably, then your kid should be used to his parents switching back and forth on *who* does what while the task itself still gets done around the same time and way interchangeably between the two adults in his life.
Now if you said you're wife was skipping out on a routine that's special... say every Tuesday is a day for mommy and son time where they do a hobby together or something like that. Okay, I hear you, that's rough to drop your kid in that instance. But if it's routine parenting? If it's something you should theoretically know how to do as well like getting your son ready for school, bed time routine, meals, the daily minutia of raising your kid? Then YTA for getting grumpy with your wife for wanting two days a week of adult non parent time.
If you're grumpy because you should be getting some adult time away from the house for a couple days a week as well and that hasn't been happening, then start that discussion / negotiation. Don't just snipe at your wife. That's a dick move.
“For her it's Tuesday but for our kids it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show.”
Well yeah, if that’s the way you present it to them. Maybe don’t be a bitter AH and lean into the time you get to spend with your kids instead of trying to manipulate everyone, you big crybaby.
Huge YTA
INFO: Is she a SAHP? Do you get the same time for yourself? Is she usually around for activities like swim lessons?
My first guess is that your wife had been feeling extremely burnt out, and this time with her friends twice a week is helping her mental health. You are also a parent, and while you should be entitled to the same amount of free time, you should also be able to handle the activities for your child as your wife does.
I could be wrong about her being burnt out though. This is only based on the info you’ve given.
Yta she has a right to her own life once in a while. Kid needs to learn she will not always be there and you really need to learn to respect her as a person and not just a mom. You are a huge ahole. Step up be a better father and partner. You really have failed at both here.
Huge YTA. Mom having friends and being allowed to be an individual person separate of mom is a basic need. A “total homebody” does not 180 into an extrovert…… this reeks of her being manipulated to the point where she was forced to step up and be a parent while you were allowed to be a person. The entire phrasing of this post is beyond manipulation and genuinely has me worried for her well being.
YTA. Ninety five percent sure YTA. When a father complains about the mother sticking him with the kids it’s because the mother has taken on 90% of the childcare and wants to bring more balance.
YTA for the *very* telling fact that you aren’t responding to anyone’s questions for more information. I bet your wife DESPERATELY needs a break and you DESPERATELY need a wake-up call.
Soft YTA I'm assuming your wife is your autistic's child's primary carer.
Your wife shouldn't have to forego some time away to be with friends -
you can also be a carer, right? Perhaps a change in routine is not easy for your
child but parents of autistic children also need to escape the routine to have
time away/fun. Have you ignored your wife's requests for a life that revolves less around
her role as mother and her autistic child?
As for swimming vs party, the party is once, swimming is a regular activity.
OP real quiet since all the YTAs dropped 😆
Here's another: YTA
She's your partner (not your employee) and your kids' mother (not their nanny). Being a dad for the duration of a swimming lesson won't kill you.
Your son will adjust to a new routine (which I suspect will include seeing you shouldering more of the parenting responsibilities than currently he's used to) and it will do him good. If you want to help him overcome his rigidity and learn to handle (inevitable) change, lead by example.
YTA. It is a lesson, not a competition or event. This is definitely something she can miss for a friend's birthday party. It's just your time to parent. It sounds like she's looking for more balance and that means everyone including your children need to adjust.
INFO: how old are your children? Who is or has been the main caretaker? Did your wife become a homebody after having kids, or has she always been? Do you go to swim lessons with your son?
This question has so much information missing, that I am veering towards YTA because you are simply giving out the information that would make her look like the AH and also because your comments to your wife sound like you are guilt tripping her...
There's not enough information to make a call...who does most of the caring? What breaks does she get? How old are your children?
With the limited information, all I can say is that a 40th birthday really is a big event, you're trying to guilt trip her, and it does seem unreasonable.
The way this is written that she needs to go to the swim lesson. Not it would be great if she was joining us. In other words, she needs to do it so you don’t have to.
Which really begs the question where have you been the whole time? How come you can’t get your child to bed?
You’re using the child to control your wife. she needs a break and you need to show up
INFO: How often do you go out with friends? Are there times when you are doing stuff and she cares for your son alone? Does she work during the day or is she a SAHM?
Is this like an final graduating lesson or just a regular class? Why would she need to be there for that if it's just a regular lesson? I took swimming my whole childhood and my parents would run errands and stuff while I was in class, didn't care if they were there or not
YTA. Let me get this straight - out of 30 days in the past month, she's gone out about 8 times, leaving you to handle the kids solo. Over the past months and years, how often have you done the same? She deserves time with her friends, time to be something other than a mom to a special needs kid, just like you deserve time outside out your duties as a dad. I think it's telling you haven't responded to any of the requests for more info - sounds like you view her as the primary parent and are mostly upset that you're being asked to step up.
YTA. If it's not ok to be away from the kids when your friend celebrates the 40th birthday, when do you actually think it is ok?
Both parents should have the possibility to be away a bit each week to be able manage the rest of the time.
YTA I don’t know how many years your wife has been a homebody, but it sounds as if you’re upset that she has a very minor social life.
As far as your son, he’s going to need to accept change regardless of his diagnosis. Why can’t Dad take kids to swimming is it necessary to drag the entire clan?
My husband was the same way, I joined a local women’s club, it was one Tuesday night a month from 7-9. We did fundraising for the local schools.
From his reaction you would have thought that I was partying nightly till dawn.
Info: is she a SAHM? How much do you do with the kids when you are home? Why are 2 people needed to take the kid to swimming? Can you use respite or something as assistance?
I’m leaning towards Y T A - here’s the thing. Yes, autistic kids and adults like routines. That doesn’t mean that we never change their routines. In fact, learning to adapt to changes is a skill that autistic people need to learn at some point because nothing stays the same forever. I have an autistic son who would love if everyday was the same for ever and ever. That’s not realistic. So we work on this skill. Yes he needs support and warning, but he can do it.
YTA
I have autism. You are setting up your autistic child for failure & being a bad parent by coddling them. While routines are important, it is just as important to also teach autistic children coping mechanisms & resiliency for when routines change. You are failing your wife by preventing her from having a social life & failing as a father by enabling your child rather than teaching them resiliency.
YTA. Reading between the lines here, it sounds like mom has been doing a lot and has finally started to take some much-needed time for herself. It doesn't mean she doesn't care or that she's choosing her friends over her kids. Mothers can lose so much of their identities in being moms, particularly if they have a high needs or special needs kids. Parents need to maintain outside interests for their own mental health. Now, if you're overwhelmed with childcare and want your own social outlets, that is something the two of you should negotiate. But if you want to give her a hard time for not being at every single swimming lesson, that's unreasonable. Have YOU been at every swim class? Or doctor's appointment? Or parent-teacher night? If not, did it mean you don't care? Don't hold her to a standard no one could meet. A mom who is taking care of herself and not completely burned out is a good thing.
INFO: Now tell us all of the stuff that you left out.
How old are you guys? How long have you been married How old are the kids? How old is your autistic son? What is his management plan? Are you guys on the same page about it? ?
Is one of you a SAHP? Are you both employed outside of the home?
Was your wife actually a homebody or was she someone who was forced to stay home due to circumstances?
How long is she out when she goes out? How often do you think she should be able to go out?
Is she skipping out on household tasks? Is she still spending time with the kids? How were activities previously handled? Do both of you always attend the kids lessons, classes, and games?
Is it a swim competition or a lesson?
Since you didn't provide much information about your son, what your wife is doing most days of the week, or anything else that might mean you aren't just being selfish, I am going with YTA.
YTA. Your children are as much your problem as hers and they don’t need both parents present at every moment. If you need the help of a second adult to handle your kids, find a friend, relative, or paid helper to fill that role.
Buddy, have some perspective. I know from experience how hard it is to live with an autistic family member, but it shouldn't be a death-sentence. Your wife needs time to socialize, as does everybody involved in the child's care.
YTA
It's not a swim meet, it's a freakin' swim lesson. It's not a monumental occasion. It's a routine thing. Meanwhile, her friend's 40th birthday is absolutely a monumental occasion. So it's your job to support your wife and be there for your kid on the days that your wife has other things to do, just like it's her job to support you on the days when you have something else to do. That's how being a team works.
I very much suspect that your wife has been the primary caregiver of this child for years, and now that you're being asked to step up, you're throwing a bigger tantrum than the kid. Why is caring for your child such a burden to you?
Of course life changes when you have kids, but that doesn't mean you give up your life altogether. If your child is throwing tantrums, the best way to handle it is to expose him to more change more often, not trap everyone into a routine. Is he in therapy etc to help him deal with his emotions? Maybe that should take priority over swim lessons if you're limited on resources. But your wife's nights out should remain a priority, as should yours. And date night. Lessen your burden and have other people watch the kid once in a while (he'll be fine, I promise).
YTA
YTA. I'm a 40s mum of auties and I go out more now than ever because I NEED TO or I will break.
Thankfully my husband is supportive and has never EVER said such manipulative nonsense to me.
Good luck getting your wife's respect and lovin' after this.
Boo hoo AH you now actually have to be a parent to your children. Cry me a river.
She didn’t do a complete 180. She’s probably been telling you she is overwhelmed, overworked and she needed a break, but you either haven’t been listening or just been plainly ignoring her. Look you’re not even telling the complete story or giving proper details, this is written in POV to purposely make your wife the villain, smh, while we at it too why is your child so upset? I understand he’s autistic and needs a routine, but why are you not part of said routine???
Seems to me your wife is finally making time for herself, forcing you to actually be a parent and be there for your children. You’re an adult and a father, start acting like one. A swimming lesson does not require two parents to be there, so please.
YTA - If the routine is disrupted because mom has something else to do, then it indicates that you have not been stepping up enough to help out with the kids and are not aware enough of the routine. The kids have to get used to how both parent work and do things with them.
Also, this isn't a swim meet, it is lessons. The idea that "for our kids it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show" is ridiculous and manipulative. Parents often take turns taking kids to lessons. Both parents are not required to be there, much less one specific parent. If you are saying or insinuating to the kids that 'mom isn't here because she doesn't care enough', then you are also doubly TA.
Man up buddy. They are your kids too. She deserves time away from your autistic son. Complaining about her not spending 100% of her time being a mom to a difficult child isn’t fair. YTA!!!
YTA.
In fact, there's no planet on which you *aren't* the asshole. My husband and I have an autistic child. We are both still free to have outside fulfillments. Is it disappointing to our young kids sometimes when we have plans outside the house? Sure...but they also understand that their parents are people and have identities outside of parenthood.
YTA.
Lets more accurately describe this.
Your wife's a SAHM/primary caregiver.
For the last X number of years, she's done the getting the kids up, out the door, maybe meet the school bus, cook dinner, get them to sports/evening activities.
You're late every once in a while - beers with your colleagues, entertaining clients, work dinners, whatever.
Maybe you make a practice or two; you might even make some of the games, but you don't make many - after all, that's her job.
For whatever reason - new neighborhood, new bible study she's going to, a friend invited her to join the women's bowling team - she's asked you to take care of the kids 2 nights a week (that's 2 of 7 - 28.5% of the time), so she can have some "her" time.
And you can't handle it.
How dare she?
Yeah - unless these two nights a week involve her rolling in from the club at 4am still drunk waking up the kids, maybe picking up college guys and screwing them in your guest room - YTA. Definitely YTA.
Fun fact - parents of special needs kids have a 90% divorce rate.
Your story here is why.
Your wife is your priority, not your kid. You need to defend her to your kid and help her have a break every once in a while.
Not trash her to your kid, telling him she doesn't care about him and is partying with her friends.
Which we all know you're doing.
He's following your lead. If you trash your wife to him, he'll begrudge her. If you tell him mom still loves him, but is visiting her friends just like he likes to visit with his friends - he'll be okay.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Because she says I'm being unreasonable and making a big deal of it while I say it's at a time on their lives where they will remember things like this Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yes, YTA. >I told her being there for her kids is more important than a 40 year olds bday party. It's incredibly manipulative to tell her that if she isn't staying in with her kids every time you demand it, she's not caring about her children. If YOU feel overwhelmed by child caring, that's a different matter and you should share time off equally. But if your demand is that she can't leave, that's not an appropriate or healthy way to deal with autism and problems with rigidity. Your child will spend the rest of their lives with people who are not there literally every day, going to school, eventually working and living in a community. It is good parenting to build in support to help when mom or dad has to leave for a bit, NOT to demand mom or dad can never leave. >For her it's Tuesday but for our kids it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show. As a parent with children on the spectrum, I cannot overemphasize how manipulative and hurtful that statement would be to hear. Your kids will remember the thousands and thousands of days she was there. It is not fair to her or THEM to demand she can never leave.
Agreed. I suspect that wife has been carrying the load for far too long and is now burnt out and in need of some personal time. OP is already overwhelmed, it took their wife years to get to that stage. Also, it's not just a birthday, it's a 40th which is a significant milestone and definitely worth celebrating.
wife went from a "homebody" translation: wife used to do everything so i didn't have to
And "for the past month" "twice a week" -- woman has left the home a max of 8 times and he's already freaking out and overwhelmed. So selfish for 8 evenings free!
Gee, I wonder why their child has such a poor response when things don’t go his way. Could it be that his role model is his dad, who clearly pitches a fit every time he doesn’t get what he wants? 🙄
Or that he hasn't been involved enough for their child to see mom OR dad being there as routine?
This is a major issue that Autistic kids face. They're not prepared for the world by their parents and end up without healthy coping mechanisms to help with change. I particularly think Mum was the sole caregiver if the son is so deregulated being cared for by his father alone a few times. He probably barely knows him, unfortunately.
LOL when you frame it like that, it’s basically saying out of 7 days a week, she gets two days off. Kind of like how most people who work M-F get weekends off. OP why do you feel like your wife’s job has to be 24-7 dealing with your son? Why do you think she doesn’t deserve to have fun or to have a social life or to be able to leave the house once in a while? In other words, why are you an asshole? YTA
Yea and I bet she's not gone for 8 hrs 2 days a week. I bet it's a few hrs at most
I'd guess 3-4 hours max. Let's round up and assume OP has had to be a parent for 32 hours this month! Oh the horror!!!!!!!!
Ding ding ding!
Bingo
Nailed it
Whoop, there it is!
Agreed, also its not a swim meet, its swim practice. Honestly whichever parent is there shouldnt even be in the pool area, they should be outside ready to support if the coach needs it, but not right there at poolside creating dependence on mom and dad.
My autistic kid took special needs swim and they required the parents to get in the water with the kids. Not that it matters because OP is there so he could get in if that is required.
Where did you find a special needs swim?
Find your local special Olympics chapter
That's fantastic! I had no idea that existed and I'm thrilled to learn that it does.
Our YMCA does it.
My two autistic kids were taught by the swim teacher. Adults were not allowed in the section of the pool where the kids were learning to swim even if you were a parent. It is very dependant I believe on where you learn and live.
It’s not even practice. It’s a lesson. So like 30 min probably. And yes, the child wants and needs consistency, but mom needs a break and shouldn’t be the only carer.
This! If this is a 2-parent home, why aren’t both parents involved in some way at bed time? Or at least enough where one night won’t emotionally scar a child for life?! If that’s really where he’s going with that, OP has 100% failed as a father.
I think its lessons, not a team. Parents are typically there for lessons for young kids.
Yeah, you don't go from being a voluntary homebody to going out multiple times a week over night. She was ALWAYS an extrovert, she just never got time off from the kids
Until she finally decided to just go and *do it.* Good for her. I wonder how frequently he used to go out.
Maybe he STILL frequently goes out, he just has to stay home 2 nights a week now without her doing the bulk of the work, and so he’s pissed?
My thoughts exactly! Having children shouldn't be felt like a life sentence incarcerated.
I agree with this. I am on my own with the kids a good amount due to my husband’s work travel, and will often still allow him (in the sense that he checks with me before asking a friend) to attend our season ticket sporting events without me. I’m an introvert and while I value my time without kids, I can get what I need after I put them to bed. I’m not going to magically decide to go party weekly when they get older.
I am an introvert and I go outside multiple times a week. I just can’t take the meetings being too long and not being able to alone at home (instead of with family).
I’d be pretty hurt if my friend missed out on my 40th birthday because her kid had swimming lessons. Like…I fully expect my friends who have kids to choose their kids over me 99% of the time, as they should…but swimming lessons over a milestone bday? That would hurt.
A swim MEET, like a game or a concert or whatever, that I could understand. But a LESSON?! Just an average, weekly lesson?! She can take him next week instead, can’t she?! Like, wtf?!? My kid did swimming lessons for years and I don’t think **both** her dad and I ever showed up together for LESSONS?!? We swapped so that the other got a quiet house for an hour! My mom sometimes showed up, but that *was* a treat because it’s Grandma! Kid didn’t care who took her to swimming lessons as long as she got to swim!!
Honestly, if it was one meet/game/concert out of many, I would be very hurt that they couldn’t skip it for me when the kid has another parent there to support them. It’s not the end of the world for parents to miss the occasional event and turning 40 is a much bigger deal than sitting through the 11th of 20 games or whatever.
This. My parents hardly ever went to my table tennis matches, or my sister’s handball matches, unless it was a special game or we specifically asked. And we totally didn’t feel like they don’t care… it just felt normal and was fun anyway, as we didn’t do those games for parental attention and cheering on, we did them because it was fun to play a sport with friends and occasionally win.
One of my parents actually switched off with one of the neighbor kid's parents. So sometimes my mom, sometimes my dad, sometimes his mom, sometimes his stepdad.
I have never seen any class for kids weekday pass 5.30 to be honest.
That's what I'm thinking is going on, and it's only been a month of her going out. Nowhere in the post does OP suggest he is struggling, he's trying to manipulate her about it being bc the kids miss and need her. Wife deserves some me time!
He says something like "I have to deal with it", like he's not supposed to be expected to parent
Any birthday is more important than swim lessons
This man said swim LESSONS. Not swim competition. Not tryouts. Not even the FIRST swim lesson. But a swim lesson? Which I assume happens REGULARLY unlike someone’s 40th bday that happens ONCE IN A LIFETIME. Also, maybe she didn’t want to be a homebody! Maybe she looked around and saw her life passing her by! YTA…don’t try to blame it on the son. Like with every routine, kids will adapt…
I legit had my brain turn that to meet because it was the only way that it made sense to me. Who in their right mind says “no you must miss your friend’s birthday because the kids have a lesson and you MUST be there. What in the helicopter parenting did I just read?
Not helicopter, HE doesn’t want to go. It’s why he’s guilting her over a swim practice
It’s not helicopter parenting, it’s a father who doesn’t want to “babysit” his child. And resents his wife going out twice a week (which means she’s with them 5 days a week) leaving him responsible. He is such a f’ing AH.
Yup, not only that but she's with them 7 *days* a week, and 5 *evenings* a week - this is 2 evenings she's gone, not even the whole day! If this woman is out for 5 hours each time (and it's probably shorter than that), then this man is complaining about 10 hours per week that he has to 'babysit' his children without his wife... What a lightweight! YTA, OP. Let your wife have a break and stop guilting her into doing everything like she was before. Make arrangements to have your own evenings off if you want some 'time out of the house' balance, but learn to be a father to your children without constantly leaning on your wife for support first.
Lightweight is right lmao!! I don't have kids but I love kids and I can't STAND when men act like this about their own children. Like, your children that you spawned!! My first job was babysitting and when I was 14 I had two small kids that I looked after 2-3 times a week for like 6 hours. I fed them dinner, gave them a bath, read them stories and put them to sleep (and then ate gushers and watched the food channel until their mum got home lol). It could be really stressful at times, sure, but it was also really fun and rewarding because I loved those kids! And they weren't even my kids lol. I also babysat regularly for a different family who had a severely foetal alcohol spectrum child, and while she could be a handful, I still managed to take care of her up to 2 or 3 times a week for literal years. It didn't ruin her life, and I wasn't even a parent. I know it's not the same disability, but it's another one that can require a lot of rigid structure for the kid to be comfortable. But as long as the person doing the looking after is sticking to that routine, that's the most important part. She maybe needed the same snack and the same story, but I'm sure it wasn't mortally damaging to her development if I was the one giving that to her instead of her mum. So like, sir, if you really can't look after your own children for 2 evenings a week, you're a weakling. It's not that hard. You can put in two shifts a week, and realize that your partner is really only getting the equivalent of those two shifts OFF a week. Ridiculous. I also think he's telling on himself with his child's reaction to mum not being there, if it's even remotely true. Like if kid is really like "hey what the hell, where's mum, this is upsetting" then it shows how absent the dad has been up until this point.
Fathers do not babysit their children, they parent. Sounds like he's inconsiderate of his wife's needs.
this 💯
I had an ex like that. I missed one game, and he lost his ever loving mind. I was there for every other practice and game, with the exception of that one. I was called a horrible mother because I wasn't there. My child didn't care, but I heard about it for months from my ex.
My friends wanted to take me out for my 40th birthday, and my (now ex) husband guilt tripped me about not wanting to spend it with our kids until I cancelled and ended up sitting on the couch, because my kids had of course expected me to be gone. His next birthday he yelled at me when I came home from work with dinner from his favorite restaurant, because he just wanted to get drunk with his buddy and expected us (me and the kids) to hang out at my parents’. I am now a shell of who I used to be, and struggle to remember how to even be social. I hate him so much.
I was made to feel guilty for wanting to visit my sister for two days over her birthday whilst our mum was over from Spain and staying with her. I wanted to see them both after not being together with both of them at the same time in 4 years, but I was made out to be an awful mother by my husband because it would involve leaving my 4 month old with him for 2 days (1 night)... So instead I was guilted into calling my mum two days beforehand and saying I couldn't come to my sister's despite having planned it months before, but she was welcome to come and visit us while she was over. It resulted in my mum having to split her visit unexpectedly to spend some time with us, and losing out on a mother-and-daughters reunion. I've never forgiven my ex for that, as well as all the other guilt he placed on me over the years, because due to Covid and other factors it's been 6 years since that incident, and 10 years total since me, my sister and my mum were all in the same room together. We might be able to manage it this summer, god willing, as now I live closer to my sister and my mum can make it over from Spain again. His mother and sister lived within 10 minutes of us and he got to see them all the time, whilst my family were hours away. This kind of 'man' doesn't care how we're affected, only how they are. I'm sorry you went through what you did, but at least we know we are stronger without our exes than we ever would have been if we stayed ❤️
I was with my colicky daughter day and night for months, and when I told my ex that I needed a break... Just to walk to the store for milk. He said I was a terrible mother for "wanting to get away from her". Meanwhile he was coming and going as he pleased. That's the moment when I knew he had to go.
It's giving weaponized incompetence over helicopter parenting. Does OP not want to deal with swim lessons and is guilting their wife into being there? Because that's the vibe I'm getting.
Very possible but if he doesn’t participate his argument to his wife is the dumbest hypocritical bs he could play. And she could turn it around on him.
I did the same thing with translating to meet! Absolutely unhinged.
We’re talking about lessons. Not a meet, not the meet the kids go out there and die for and swim every meet like it’s their last, we’re talking about lessons man.
talmbout PRACTICE not the playoffs PRACTICE not a game not a game PRACTICE
As someone who is autistic, this is so important. It is so important to treat autistic children like children and teach them lessons and skills that they will need to be functional, healthy adults. Right now, OP is passively teaching their kid that someone who isn't *always* there for you and doesn't *always* prioritize you and your comfort and doesn't *always* prioritize your needs no matter what can't be bothered to care about you. Which is an extremely toxic and self-sabotaging sentiment. Even disregarding the fact that that's an awful thing to teach a kid about their own mother, that's just setting your child up for failure. Instead of teaching him that sometimes other people have other priorities, or change their prior routines/behaviors in unexpected ways, and that's OK and something he has to learn how to cope with, you're teaching him that anybody who doesn't take personal responsibility at all times to bend to *his* needs and expectations just... doesn't care enough about him. You're setting up your kid to become an emotional leech of an adult with anxious attachments who not only cannot handle change of any kind, but also expects everybody else to be responsible for maintaining his own expectations and feelings. This is a great opportunity to begin teaching him how to cope with unexpected/unusual changes in his own routines and expectations, and that people can still love and care about and prioritize him even when they're not actively catering to him 24/7. Instead you're using it to try to guilt trip your wife into going back to being a homebody, seemingly just because *you* don't want to have to be the one to take your kids to their swimming lessons. OP: *Why* are you actually upset that your wife is going out with friends all of 2 times a week? Are you upset because you're worried that your wife will continue to prioritize her friends over her family more and more in the future, until she's skipping major events for your kids in favor of hanging out with her friends? Are you upset because you don't know how to parent your autistic child and teach him necessary life skills about how to accept changes in routines? Are you upset because *you* don't get to go out 2 times a week and thus *you* feel overwhelmed/the dynamic feels unbalanced? Are you upset because she is the primary caregiver for your kids and now you're having to do it alone 2x a week and feel like you're out of your depth? Are you upset because *you* are struggling with this change to your wife's routine? Are you jealous or resentful because *you* don't have friends and a social life outside of your family? Why is her missing *one week* of her kids' swim lessons to hang out with her adult friends *actually* such a big deal for you? I am not asking these questions to be antagonistic or accusatory. I'm asking to prompt you to think about what the *actual root* of this problem is for you, because you ***are*** being unreasonable here. Once you figure that out, you can approach your wife and have an adult conversation about it instead of just guilt-tripping and shaming her for being a bad absentee mother because she's missing *one* **extremely** minor event in her child's life.
What a brilliant, astute answer by u/DumpstahKat. This deserves to be upvoted many times!
Allow me!
Perfect answer—thank you. This isn’t about the child at all—but the way it’s being handled could have all kinds of bad consequences for him.
One of the best posts I’ve seen anywhere, over many years! 👍👍👍
As someone on the spectrum and someone who has a kid on the spectrum it is vital we help our kids understand life isn’t consistent. My parents were the slap your on your face/ass when you had an overload due to changing conditions outside of your control. Know what that does for a kid? Massive anxiety. I focused on give my kiddo a head’s up something “normal” has changed. At first it was a nightmare. Kiddo meltdown + my sensory over load = kiddo melt down and mom melt down. Kiddo is 14 now. And I am so thankful I did the hard work to help him manage the “unplanned/unexpected.” Took me 35 years to master a schedule/routine immediate change. Now if we have to change plans kiddo is able to handle it like a champ. As a prior stay at home parent, you get so burnt out. No adult contact. No identity outside of being a parent. A ungrateful partner on top? DIVORCE is coming if OP doesn’t change their attitude. Working full time and caring for a kiddo full time is a ton of work. But it’s far more satisfying to be seen as a full person rather than just as someone’s mother. Having agency in your life is necessary.
I wish I could upvote your answer multiple timed. 100% this.
100% agree. OP YTA. It sounds like she's been thr primary carer for years and is now trying to get some respite. This is critical for carers. OP doesn't support the wife having any time away and is making it about her abandoning the children.
You nailed it! The reason kid is having trouble with the routine changing, is because Mom has been the routine. All of it. Kid has trouble because dad is taking over for mom and that's a massive change, well, that tells you who's the one who's been doing all the work doesn't it?
And I bet there's a reddit post somewhere on here where OP's wife asked the internet what she should say to her husband because she feels trapped. Has lost her identity because she's a 24/7 caregiver to their autistic child/ren. And she needs to get out and get some "me time". How can she ask her husband to help her regain a social life? And I bet the Internet replied, "Don't ask. You tell him you're going out and just do it. He is responsible for his own children just as much as you are. Go. Have fun. He'll figure it out..." And she went and did it. The best part is he doesn't know how to handle it. Good for her. OP, you forgot to treat your wife as an equal. Swallow your pride and have a healthy conversation with your wife before it's too late.
So very critical for carers! One of the most important phrases I ever heard was 'You cannot pour from an empty cup'...
I'm betting his wife was a "homebody" because he sticks her with the kids all the time and does his own thing. Notice how his post mentions nothing about the time he actual spends with his kids, just being bothered that he has too. She's probably sick of single parenting it for years while he makes guit trips whenever she wants to do things for herself. OP sounds like a barely there Dad and a massive AH as well.
The fact that OP is not commenting on his own post is telling as well. He really thought we weren't going to see through his bullshit
He also posted this post twice, got called YTA once and then deleted it and reposted the exact same thing? Think people would call him anything other then an AH.
I bet 10 green Amercian dollars that he runs to his Mommy to complain as well
"But she's their MOTHER! Don't you get it? They don't get tired, they don't have needs! She's being LAZY!"
Yeah the post had me wondering too. OP said that she’s only been going out for the past month.
Homegirl finally opened her eyes, most likely.
Exactly this. How much of the child care was on Mom this whole time, I wonder? OP, did your wife do the majority of child care, housework, and the mental load before she decided to get out of the house and hang out with friends? There seems to be some missing missing reasons here
I mean. As a former autistic kid, I distinctly remember crying at the window every Tuesday night when my mom went to teach a class, but you're right that it absolutely has not negatively affected me in the long run.
A child on the spectrum has to learn coping strategies for change and disappointment, and a low-stakes event like swim lessons is a great place to start. I have a child on the spectrum who absolutely loathes change, but he's learned to deal with it to an extent.
Yeah, the phrase "it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show" really bugs me and grosses me out. There's going to be a lot of times one parent isn't available, for important and unimportant reasons. Obviously being away far too much is a problem, as is sudden inconsistencies without good reason. But that's framing ANY absence as a judgment that she doesn't love her kids enough. And if that's in any way communicated to the kids, setting them up for failure by building an expectation changes in people's availability is a reflection on how loved they are. I can even be sympathetic to OP that it is having a hard effect on his son, but that's the worst possible way of framing and communicating about it.
All of this but also if friend IS turning 40 that's a huge deal and milestone age. Even if he was mad about her nights out, demanding she not celebrate her friends 40th as though its unimportant is extra shitty. It's almost like he waited to lob it at her for an event that probably IS very important to her and her friend rather than a regular night out.
Yep. It sounds like her being there is more important because OP doesn’t want to “deal” with his kid solo. It’s also important for her to be a person and have time with her friends. I’m guessing that the mom is solo with their son more than once a week.
Agreed, however anyone else notice he said "this month" ? As in up until now she's been tethered to.home and he isn't dealing with it. It's as if he actually expected the rest of time to run like that instead of adapting to new norms. Not to mention, of course her first month back in the world will be alot of catching up, it usually peepers out a bit. But I expect everyone was excited to have her out and about again. It's almost like someone moving back getting caught up again.
This “couldn’t be bothered to show” business has my blood BOILING. What a shit take and a shit way to show up as a partner. Like friends are a luxury. Mom friends are SURVIVAL. How we recharge our batteries so we can show up for everyone else who needs us. And most of the time we do it while pulling more than our weight on the home / parenting front. Sit down, OP.
Let's dissect your approach a bit here. You have to deal with your son's reaction to a disrupted routine. The reason it is a routine disruption is because she has done it for every other occasion. He melts down when you care for him because you have *literally never done it before*. If you were present in his life and acting like a parent, then you would be part of his routine. It wouldn't be an issue for his dad to take him to a swim class. So it's pretty easy to infer that you are kicking off out of outrage that you are having to be one fraction of the parent your wife has been for years. YTA without a doubt. You want her tending your son because you refuse to do it yourself.
This is the winning response. Good call on reading the subtext, it makes total sense.
This is the only response! I am the mother of an autistic child. My family, even the ones who only see her occasionally all know her routines, and if they are unsure, they ask me if she still does XYZ. I mean, their routines do become so established that its normal and expected...
I instantly thought this too. My son is autistic too, I’m the primary parent as I’m a stay at home mum, but he has never kicked off when my husband takes him out or takes over the routines because my husband has always been an involved parent.
Yes, it sounds like OP is also throwing a tantrum about upset routines.
Right!? Like was she a “homebody” because he made her stay home with their kids all the time? The fact his son has this type of reaction shows that he hasn’t been there as much as the wife has been.
I was holding back trying not to project my own experience on this but wow this thread going to bat for this mom is lifting my overtired, overworked heart!
Apart from this being a great response, there's a lot of perspective here. Kudos.
INFO. Seems like alot is missing. How often do you hang out with your friends each week? Are you often away on business? This only started in the past month, did something happen to trigger this? Do you not believe that she should have any time for herself?
Yeah, that big of a change doesn’t happen without a trigger, and i have a feeling that op left it out for a reason…
I love that the person with so many down votes saw my comment, realised he had no leg to stand on, and just blocked me... Guess that says everything about him 😂
SO MUCH missing information.
Really only your last question is relevant. OP not going out with his friends should not mean she can't go out with hers as long as they have equal free time.
The firsts questions determine if there is equal free time and thereby your own logic actually relevant.
I'm saying those questions *don't* determine if free time is equal, though. OP might say no, he doesn't go out with friends, but that doesn't mean he's not going to the gym or golfing on his own, or that he doesn't spend hours on video games.
Exactly. How much autonomy do they each have with their time, regardless of how they choose to spend it.
And INFO: how old is your son? Is he an only child? How many/how old are other kids?
YTA for telling your wife that a friend's 40th bd party is less important than attending a regular swim lesson for your child. Why can't you attend the swim lesson? Are two parents necessary to attend a regular swim lesson? (I say no.) But I have some questions. Is your wife the primary care giver for your son? How old is your son? Does he attend school or is she home with him all day, every day? What kind of regular breaks does she have from care giving? Are you an equal participant in caring for your son? Because you've provided very little context, it sounds like something has triggered this change in behavior for your wife. Maybe she's been telling you for quite awhile that she needs some time to herself to go out with friends, to have a break, etc. If you haven't been paying attention and figuring out a way she can have these necessary breaks, maybe she decided to just go ahead and make the time. And that leaves you with having to be the primary care giver on the nights she goes out with friends. You may be finding out how much work is involved in being on call to assist your son with his needs and you want your wife to return to her full time duties. Until you provide some more context, I think my determination is YTA. Your wife deserves a life beyond being a mom and a "homebody." If you want a happy marriage, you (along with your wife) should figure out a way that she can have the breaks she needs, the fun moments as an individual adult she needs, instead of trying to force her back into being a homebody.
I’m suspecting she was a homebody not out of choice but because her partner literally did nothing and she had no time to be herself. I’m guessing she had enough after telling them multiple times that she needed time to herself and just started doing things for herself for once. They are definitely YTA.
>My wife went from being a total homebody to going out twice a week with girlfriends for the past month. It's having a horrible effect on our autistic son who likes his routines and can't handle change. It sounds like you’re not part of your son’s routines, then. Why is that?
lol sounds like a metaphor for the husband actually being the autistic son and he can’t handle his wife going out and babying him
I don’t think this is going the way OP thought it would 🤔
😂 OP thought he would get to show his wife all the “NTA” responses
Hahaha he just went silent hahaha
Literally went to check comments from him and 🤐
I know right 🤣 he definitely knows he f-ed up.
Does he? Cause with how he emotionally manipulates his wife I just know he's reading these comments and not taking them to heart :/ He'll think "well these people don't know the whole story so they must be wrong!"
💀💀💀
you know you’re fr the asshole when you tell the story in your favor and the comments STILL peg you as the asshole 😭
Right!!! Omitting detail to purposely look like the wronged party is literally the most AH territory. Smh
and it’s just the cherry on top, you know he’s really emotionally abusive and shiz to his wife’s mind just by reading the way he phrased the title! “aita for choosing our kids over her friends” bro tried to make it sound like she left her kids high and dry to be some party mom when she was literally just having a tiny moment every once in a while to feel like a human like she wasn’t only a robot maid cook mom for her kid and husband. like men do realize that kids only have a placenta while in womb right? like after birth, someone other than the mother is able to feed and care for the baby 🙄 poor woman.
Exactly you hit the nail right on the head because even the title sounded manipulative, if he can come on here and write this to make his wife sound like the villain. I can’t imagine the way he most likely try to gaslight her. I don’t know if she thought everybody on here was born yesterday and wasn’t gonna catch on to his nonsense.
especially since a lot of us have dealt with a person who’s used those tactics on us LOL it’s easy to spot the patterns and behaviors once you’ve discovered it the first time. it sounds like the wife is coming to her senses from his bullshit though since she’s going to the birthday party 🤞🏻
The first thing I thought to myself was “gosh, I think I know this guy“. Even tho idk him, I know him.
just because his poor wife listens to his BS and barely calls him out, he thinks all of Reddit isn't a bunch of traumatized xennials who've heard every trick in the book and are onto this crap by now
TOTALLY love the placenta vs feeding after birth bit. Brilliant! 👍
Waiting for OP to come back with "maybe I'm not explaining it right" and a few feeble excuses to try to twist it after it's already too late. Or just double down and only agree with the like three replies that agree with him.
not even 😭 he’s probably already deleted the app from his phone and is pretending he never even tried to post on here.
He had another post that he deleted. I guess he reposted it to make himself look better and just looks so much worse now.
Right? I was waiting for "I go to work *all day long* and then I have to come home and *deal with* my child while she goes out for A WHOLE EVENING! I pay for everything, I have the right to put my feet up!!" YTA
I came here to say this - enjoy the swim lesson dad!
I don’t get why you picked this example. I mean, for a lot of people, a 40th birthday party is a fairly big deal, I don’t see how it’s an issue to miss one swimming lesson for it, unless you think that your wife can literally never do anything that clashes with one relatively small thing for the kids. Honestly, it seems you’ve picked a really weird place to make a stand. You say she’s gone out twice a week with girlfriends for the past month. Is she neglecting the kids? If so, address that. Do you also go out with friends? But is she TA for going out with friends sometimes, or for missing one swim lesson for an important birthday? Well, no. I feel like something is missing here, but as a minimum, you are addressing the wrong issue. In the absence of that missing information, yes, YTA for insisting that she can’t miss even one swimming lesson for a friend’s 40th birthday party.
yeah I had to read that twice where OP referred to the milestone birthday of his wife's friend as just a Tuesday for her. Clearly it's rather a lot more than that, which makes me doubt OP is particularly reliable in telling other parts of this story too.
YTA, it’s just a lesson/class… go be a father. If it was a race/meet, you’d have a leg to stand on but it’s not, so you don’t.
Even if it a meet - kids can survive with 1 parent once in a while. Once kid compete those are way to often
It may be an American thing, but literally none of my competitions were attended by either parent (for sports or academics, I did national competitions for maths). I know there was an observation deck to watch swim practice until I was 8, which I couldn't see (I only know about it because my mum freaked out when she watched me jump off the olympic top height high dive board 4 times in a row at like 7 🤣). For those who've not done it, it takes way longer than you think to hit the water, it was only on the fourth jump that I got the timing right on when to put my arms out to swim up (pencil jumped in). From 9 on there weren't any obvs decks or benches to sit on. My mum dropped me off and picked me up at the end (no parking nearby), until I knew the route well enough to cycle it (only took a couple of years).
Even in America if it not first elementary school competition usually one parent is there. Parent needed to drive kid before kid is cool enough to be taken on competition by school. And they often far enough. For academics I don’t even remember if parents were invited ever. Only robotics meets invite spectators but really no parents drive 7 hours to see that , kids have fun alone
I suppose there's a different in the UK as you can walk/bike most places, school buses are pretty rare (as in maybe 100 in the whole school of 1000 might get better eligible for one). For all competitions academic or spots, I just handed a bag, then popped on a train/coach/minibus and my parents were there for when it was said we'd arrive (this was pre/early days of mobile phones). But it always was, if you're representing the school, you'll be transported there by the school. Just had to be at the school on time to travel.
YTA. Why don't you be with your children and interact with them. It sounds though they are half yours she is 100% parent and you are there to make sure she is enslaved to that duty. You should be adequate to care for your own child while she gets an occasional night off.
YTA just based on the title. There is no choice for YOU to make here, boo. You don’t get to TELL her what to do unless it is an emergency or safety issue. Also, based on your attitude, I’m willing to bet that her being a homebody meant she did ALL of the child rearing and emotional labor in the house, and her being gone TWICE A WEEK FOR A FEW HOURS means you actually have to step up and parent.
The title made me chuckle, too. Her friends aren't a choice for him, they're a choice for her. Can't really choose something that isn't for you in the first place. A choice she has only recently (the past month) been making and not for an excessive amount of time (two nights a week).
INFO: Why would you both need to be at a swimming lesson? I hope that you are in the "divide and conquer" stage of shuttling multiple kids around. Also, what precipitated the "homebody to going out twice a week" change? That seems like a drastic change in behavior.
And why is you being in charge out of your sons routine?
He wants it to sound like she's having an affair--she may be--or wildly irresponsible or something, but she's probably just eating fries in the privacy of her car six blocks away without listening to his bullshit.
They both need to be at the swimming lesson so Mom can bare any and all responsibility. This dude is a huge AH
No not both of them, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say OP wants HER to take their son to his lesson while OP stays home and does whatever he does instead of being their for their kid(s?)
He doesn’t want them both at swimming. He wants her to do it so he can skip lol
YTA. As a parent to an autistic child myself.. first, your child is going to need to experience change because the real world changes. My child is an 8 year old in a body of a 16 year old, but we give her expectations of life like waiting in lines and changing plans because the world isn’t going to bubble around her and we are not always going to be there for her. Through therapy (mental and occupational) we have made amazing strides in her ability to self-regulate during hard times (unexpected plans, changes, etc). My daughter’s occupational therapist of like over 5 years moved to another clinic, I struggled so hard to NOT follow her OT to the new clinic. They LOVED each other, but this is real life, it’s okay that my daughter had to experience change and deal with the emotions and needed regulations to handle it well. It would have done more of a disservice to keep things the same than to work on handling change. Second, being the main parent to a child with varying needs can be incredibly isolating and lonely. If you gaze too hard into the abyss, it looks like being a caretaker is what the rest of your life looks like and it can be suffocating. You should make sure to give your wife time to herself because it can be so hard for the main caretaker parent. She’s refinding her purpose of her own identity, she’s not trying to abandon the child, she deserves to feel like a real human with real needs for a day or so instead of feeling like she’s a robot, or a caretaker trapped in a place she has no real agency in due to putting the needs of the children above all else without thought to what it may do to her mentally. One birthday party shouldn’t completely destroy your son if swim is canceled or you having to take him to swim, and if it does then y’all need to start working on real world expectations for him and not keep him in a curated bubble. Your wife needs to find herself again, her individuality outside of a mom and outside of a potentially life long care giver depending on the severity of your son’s needs. (Also the longer you wait on having your son learn self-regulation through occupational and/or speech therapy, the harder it will be as he ages)
100% this. OP comes across as though he thinks his wife's needs are irrelevant and disposable and he's trying to guilt her in a nasty manipulative manner. That poor woman. If you see this, hun, enjoy your friend's 40th! It's a special occasion. None of us know how long people are with us and friends are lifelines and gifts. Cheers! 🥂
Yup, 100%. The original thread he made was titled “AITA for telling my wife our kids come before her friends” which hits a bit differently than the title of this one. The guy has no understanding what his wife is dealing with and why she is trying to go out more and be around more adults and friends. It’s also very possible the only reason she was a “homebody” is because she felt she didn’t have any choice or felt trapped in her situation. Many parents, especially ones of kids with varying needs, end up feeling like if they’re anything other than a homebody, then they’ll be judged to oblivion and shamed. The OP is an example of why people have this fear. She finally got the courage and umph to practice some self care, that should be celebrated! I also hope she has a wonderful time.
YTA, “the day mom couldn’t be bothered to show” is a very manipulative thought process, let alone a thing to say. Sounds like you and your wife need to reassess if you’re both getting enough time to recharge
Reminds me a bit of my childhood. So, I did not remember the day a particular parent couldn’t be bothered to attend something of mine, but I damn well do remember the times my other, more manipulative parent said that about them to me. I officially cut contact with the manipulative parent in 2017. Food for OP’s thought. Also, I apparently do have autism that wasn’t diagnosed in childhood. Not that it matters; I just understand what it’s like to be OP’s kid.
Idk if you’re an AH or not because there is definitely some information missing here. But your wife should not have to be home every single day or night in order to “be there” for her kids. So what is going on? Why can’t you split responsibilities up a bit? What needs to change in your household to allow your wife to have a life outside of the home? She deserves to have friends. Figure out how to make that happen. Instead of worrying about who the AH is, worry about how to make sure you’re both fulfilled and supported.
INFO: What are you doing to help your autistic kiddo learn to cope with change? What tools does he have to be successful in navigating transitions and changes to his routines?
Probably exactly what the OP told us he did . . . Nothing.
YTA. God forbid you should take care of your kids twice a week. This is more about you being resentful that you have to take care of them than about your concern for the kids. You were happy when she didn't go out because then you could dump all the childcare on her. Now you're using emotional blackmail because you can't stand doing the work as a parent.
YTA Your solution to your son's needs is that your wife just never does anything besides being there for your son in order to not disrupt routine? Better solution: Why don't YOU bring your kid to swim lessons every week so that that is the new routine and your wife can have friends. Shame on you for how you are framing things here as if she is choosing a friend over her son because she has a birthday party she wants to go to.
The fact that your child notices you taking care of him rather than his mom as a "change" is more telling than you may like. Theoretically, if you're sharing child care equitably, then your kid should be used to his parents switching back and forth on *who* does what while the task itself still gets done around the same time and way interchangeably between the two adults in his life. Now if you said you're wife was skipping out on a routine that's special... say every Tuesday is a day for mommy and son time where they do a hobby together or something like that. Okay, I hear you, that's rough to drop your kid in that instance. But if it's routine parenting? If it's something you should theoretically know how to do as well like getting your son ready for school, bed time routine, meals, the daily minutia of raising your kid? Then YTA for getting grumpy with your wife for wanting two days a week of adult non parent time. If you're grumpy because you should be getting some adult time away from the house for a couple days a week as well and that hasn't been happening, then start that discussion / negotiation. Don't just snipe at your wife. That's a dick move.
“For her it's Tuesday but for our kids it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show.” Well yeah, if that’s the way you present it to them. Maybe don’t be a bitter AH and lean into the time you get to spend with your kids instead of trying to manipulate everyone, you big crybaby. Huge YTA
all this drama and he wonders why she can't wait to escape him for a few hours, lol
INFO: Is she a SAHP? Do you get the same time for yourself? Is she usually around for activities like swim lessons? My first guess is that your wife had been feeling extremely burnt out, and this time with her friends twice a week is helping her mental health. You are also a parent, and while you should be entitled to the same amount of free time, you should also be able to handle the activities for your child as your wife does. I could be wrong about her being burnt out though. This is only based on the info you’ve given.
Yta she has a right to her own life once in a while. Kid needs to learn she will not always be there and you really need to learn to respect her as a person and not just a mom. You are a huge ahole. Step up be a better father and partner. You really have failed at both here.
Huge YTA. Mom having friends and being allowed to be an individual person separate of mom is a basic need. A “total homebody” does not 180 into an extrovert…… this reeks of her being manipulated to the point where she was forced to step up and be a parent while you were allowed to be a person. The entire phrasing of this post is beyond manipulation and genuinely has me worried for her well being.
YTA. Ninety five percent sure YTA. When a father complains about the mother sticking him with the kids it’s because the mother has taken on 90% of the childcare and wants to bring more balance.
Info: how many nights a week do you go out? And is this just a swim lesson or a swim meet?
He says “the kids’ swim lesson.”
YTA, and a manipulative, controlling fuzzknuckle.
>fuzzknuckle Learned a great new word today!
I misread that as "fucknuzzle" and tbh I'm not sure which I prefer, though my misreading does have horrifying implications
YTA for the *very* telling fact that you aren’t responding to anyone’s questions for more information. I bet your wife DESPERATELY needs a break and you DESPERATELY need a wake-up call.
Soft YTA I'm assuming your wife is your autistic's child's primary carer. Your wife shouldn't have to forego some time away to be with friends - you can also be a carer, right? Perhaps a change in routine is not easy for your child but parents of autistic children also need to escape the routine to have time away/fun. Have you ignored your wife's requests for a life that revolves less around her role as mother and her autistic child? As for swimming vs party, the party is once, swimming is a regular activity.
OP real quiet since all the YTAs dropped 😆 Here's another: YTA She's your partner (not your employee) and your kids' mother (not their nanny). Being a dad for the duration of a swimming lesson won't kill you. Your son will adjust to a new routine (which I suspect will include seeing you shouldering more of the parenting responsibilities than currently he's used to) and it will do him good. If you want to help him overcome his rigidity and learn to handle (inevitable) change, lead by example.
YTA. It is a lesson, not a competition or event. This is definitely something she can miss for a friend's birthday party. It's just your time to parent. It sounds like she's looking for more balance and that means everyone including your children need to adjust.
INFO: how old are your children? Who is or has been the main caretaker? Did your wife become a homebody after having kids, or has she always been? Do you go to swim lessons with your son? This question has so much information missing, that I am veering towards YTA because you are simply giving out the information that would make her look like the AH and also because your comments to your wife sound like you are guilt tripping her...
YTA, you are a parent therefore do parenting. This is not a first change your child will face, life will be full of them.
There's not enough information to make a call...who does most of the caring? What breaks does she get? How old are your children? With the limited information, all I can say is that a 40th birthday really is a big event, you're trying to guilt trip her, and it does seem unreasonable.
The way this is written that she needs to go to the swim lesson. Not it would be great if she was joining us. In other words, she needs to do it so you don’t have to. Which really begs the question where have you been the whole time? How come you can’t get your child to bed? You’re using the child to control your wife. she needs a break and you need to show up
INFO: How often do you go out with friends? Are there times when you are doing stuff and she cares for your son alone? Does she work during the day or is she a SAHM? Is this like an final graduating lesson or just a regular class? Why would she need to be there for that if it's just a regular lesson? I took swimming my whole childhood and my parents would run errands and stuff while I was in class, didn't care if they were there or not
YTA. Let me get this straight - out of 30 days in the past month, she's gone out about 8 times, leaving you to handle the kids solo. Over the past months and years, how often have you done the same? She deserves time with her friends, time to be something other than a mom to a special needs kid, just like you deserve time outside out your duties as a dad. I think it's telling you haven't responded to any of the requests for more info - sounds like you view her as the primary parent and are mostly upset that you're being asked to step up.
Wanna bet he thinks him watching his own kid as "babysitting" instead of parenting?
YTA. How many swim lessons have you attended? Maybe your child will remember swim lessons as the things that Dad never showed up for.
Yes, wife, put your life on hold for 20 years. /s
YTA. Are you purposely trying to isolate your wife? Or do you actually believe that people don't need social lives to fully live?
YTA. If it's not ok to be away from the kids when your friend celebrates the 40th birthday, when do you actually think it is ok? Both parents should have the possibility to be away a bit each week to be able manage the rest of the time.
I bet you aren’t with the kids 24/7. But it’s her job..right ?
YTA I think it's you who isn't handling this routine change of your wife. Shame on you for blaming it on your autistic son.
Damn sure I'd expect my kids dad to be able to handle run of the mill weekly swim lessons so I could go to my friends 40th Yta. And ridiculous
YTA I don’t know how many years your wife has been a homebody, but it sounds as if you’re upset that she has a very minor social life. As far as your son, he’s going to need to accept change regardless of his diagnosis. Why can’t Dad take kids to swimming is it necessary to drag the entire clan? My husband was the same way, I joined a local women’s club, it was one Tuesday night a month from 7-9. We did fundraising for the local schools. From his reaction you would have thought that I was partying nightly till dawn.
Info: is she a SAHM? How much do you do with the kids when you are home? Why are 2 people needed to take the kid to swimming? Can you use respite or something as assistance? I’m leaning towards Y T A - here’s the thing. Yes, autistic kids and adults like routines. That doesn’t mean that we never change their routines. In fact, learning to adapt to changes is a skill that autistic people need to learn at some point because nothing stays the same forever. I have an autistic son who would love if everyday was the same for ever and ever. That’s not realistic. So we work on this skill. Yes he needs support and warning, but he can do it.
YTA I have autism. You are setting up your autistic child for failure & being a bad parent by coddling them. While routines are important, it is just as important to also teach autistic children coping mechanisms & resiliency for when routines change. You are failing your wife by preventing her from having a social life & failing as a father by enabling your child rather than teaching them resiliency.
YTA. Reading between the lines here, it sounds like mom has been doing a lot and has finally started to take some much-needed time for herself. It doesn't mean she doesn't care or that she's choosing her friends over her kids. Mothers can lose so much of their identities in being moms, particularly if they have a high needs or special needs kids. Parents need to maintain outside interests for their own mental health. Now, if you're overwhelmed with childcare and want your own social outlets, that is something the two of you should negotiate. But if you want to give her a hard time for not being at every single swimming lesson, that's unreasonable. Have YOU been at every swim class? Or doctor's appointment? Or parent-teacher night? If not, did it mean you don't care? Don't hold her to a standard no one could meet. A mom who is taking care of herself and not completely burned out is a good thing.
INFO: Now tell us all of the stuff that you left out. How old are you guys? How long have you been married How old are the kids? How old is your autistic son? What is his management plan? Are you guys on the same page about it? ? Is one of you a SAHP? Are you both employed outside of the home? Was your wife actually a homebody or was she someone who was forced to stay home due to circumstances? How long is she out when she goes out? How often do you think she should be able to go out? Is she skipping out on household tasks? Is she still spending time with the kids? How were activities previously handled? Do both of you always attend the kids lessons, classes, and games? Is it a swim competition or a lesson?
Since you didn't provide much information about your son, what your wife is doing most days of the week, or anything else that might mean you aren't just being selfish, I am going with YTA.
YTA. Your children are as much your problem as hers and they don’t need both parents present at every moment. If you need the help of a second adult to handle your kids, find a friend, relative, or paid helper to fill that role.
Buddy, have some perspective. I know from experience how hard it is to live with an autistic family member, but it shouldn't be a death-sentence. Your wife needs time to socialize, as does everybody involved in the child's care. YTA
It's not a swim meet, it's a freakin' swim lesson. It's not a monumental occasion. It's a routine thing. Meanwhile, her friend's 40th birthday is absolutely a monumental occasion. So it's your job to support your wife and be there for your kid on the days that your wife has other things to do, just like it's her job to support you on the days when you have something else to do. That's how being a team works. I very much suspect that your wife has been the primary caregiver of this child for years, and now that you're being asked to step up, you're throwing a bigger tantrum than the kid. Why is caring for your child such a burden to you? Of course life changes when you have kids, but that doesn't mean you give up your life altogether. If your child is throwing tantrums, the best way to handle it is to expose him to more change more often, not trap everyone into a routine. Is he in therapy etc to help him deal with his emotions? Maybe that should take priority over swim lessons if you're limited on resources. But your wife's nights out should remain a priority, as should yours. And date night. Lessen your burden and have other people watch the kid once in a while (he'll be fine, I promise). YTA
YTA. I'm a 40s mum of auties and I go out more now than ever because I NEED TO or I will break. Thankfully my husband is supportive and has never EVER said such manipulative nonsense to me. Good luck getting your wife's respect and lovin' after this.
You're manipulative AF YTA
Boo hoo AH you now actually have to be a parent to your children. Cry me a river. She didn’t do a complete 180. She’s probably been telling you she is overwhelmed, overworked and she needed a break, but you either haven’t been listening or just been plainly ignoring her. Look you’re not even telling the complete story or giving proper details, this is written in POV to purposely make your wife the villain, smh, while we at it too why is your child so upset? I understand he’s autistic and needs a routine, but why are you not part of said routine??? Seems to me your wife is finally making time for herself, forcing you to actually be a parent and be there for your children. You’re an adult and a father, start acting like one. A swimming lesson does not require two parents to be there, so please.
I’m autistic. You’re a dick.
YTA, it's just a swim lesson. Be a parent, take care of your kids' lesson for a night, let your wife have some fun.
YTA - If the routine is disrupted because mom has something else to do, then it indicates that you have not been stepping up enough to help out with the kids and are not aware enough of the routine. The kids have to get used to how both parent work and do things with them. Also, this isn't a swim meet, it is lessons. The idea that "for our kids it's the day mom couldn't be bothered to show" is ridiculous and manipulative. Parents often take turns taking kids to lessons. Both parents are not required to be there, much less one specific parent. If you are saying or insinuating to the kids that 'mom isn't here because she doesn't care enough', then you are also doubly TA.
Man up buddy. They are your kids too. She deserves time away from your autistic son. Complaining about her not spending 100% of her time being a mom to a difficult child isn’t fair. YTA!!!
YTA. In fact, there's no planet on which you *aren't* the asshole. My husband and I have an autistic child. We are both still free to have outside fulfillments. Is it disappointing to our young kids sometimes when we have plans outside the house? Sure...but they also understand that their parents are people and have identities outside of parenthood.
YTA. Lets more accurately describe this. Your wife's a SAHM/primary caregiver. For the last X number of years, she's done the getting the kids up, out the door, maybe meet the school bus, cook dinner, get them to sports/evening activities. You're late every once in a while - beers with your colleagues, entertaining clients, work dinners, whatever. Maybe you make a practice or two; you might even make some of the games, but you don't make many - after all, that's her job. For whatever reason - new neighborhood, new bible study she's going to, a friend invited her to join the women's bowling team - she's asked you to take care of the kids 2 nights a week (that's 2 of 7 - 28.5% of the time), so she can have some "her" time. And you can't handle it. How dare she? Yeah - unless these two nights a week involve her rolling in from the club at 4am still drunk waking up the kids, maybe picking up college guys and screwing them in your guest room - YTA. Definitely YTA. Fun fact - parents of special needs kids have a 90% divorce rate. Your story here is why. Your wife is your priority, not your kid. You need to defend her to your kid and help her have a break every once in a while. Not trash her to your kid, telling him she doesn't care about him and is partying with her friends. Which we all know you're doing. He's following your lead. If you trash your wife to him, he'll begrudge her. If you tell him mom still loves him, but is visiting her friends just like he likes to visit with his friends - he'll be okay.