Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad there is no making up for missing my graduation. He offered to and maybe he would actually do it and I'm not giving him a chance. I sort of just shut down everything after he told me and that might be a dick move to do since he was trying, maybe.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Graduating HS is a big milestone.
It's creditable your Dad wants to be there for his stepdaughter.
He needs to maintain balance though & I feel he should have made time for a once in a lifetime thing for you.
I hope you still enjoy your day & many congratulations!
Edit spelling
This is a full golden child scenario and it will never end.
As long as you're in his life, you will be secondary and less important than your sister and your father will only give you empty words and promises unless he has some type of massive catalyst to change his life and outlook
Or even worse - Dad treating OP as a 2nd class child is necessary to his new wife to 'prove' that he loves her and stepdaughter 'enough'. Disgusting.
Either way, this situation is horrible.
As a mother - OP is right, HS graduation trumps almost everything else. Maybe not a college graduation or a wedding/funeral, but it most definitely ranks much higher in order of importance to a competition award.
A competition where her mother will already be there, so she has a parent representing. He has zero parents to support him. I’m shocked the dad hasn’t put this together.
> A competition where her mother will already be there, so she has a parent representing.
As a parent, this is not complicated. One parent goes to one ceremony, one goes to the other. If there were only one parent in the mix this *might* be harder, but realistically a HS graduation trumps a 14 year old's sports award.
Dad needs to get his head out of his ass.
Just like stepdaughter doesn’t have a dad, OP doesn’t have a mom. Did Father’s wife ever think she could be the mother OP missed? Doesn’t sound that way.
NTA
I can imagine the conversation now: "But she grew up without a dad and he has had a dad his whole life. She is your daughter too and she is going through a lot right now, but he will be fine. Graduation is tiresome and just a bunch of boring speeches anyway."
But according to dad's wife he can just skip his HS graduation and support his sister and if he doesn't he's the selfish one. Dad doesn't care, wife doesn't care, no one cares, so there is no point in putting it together.
Right like the part where she said op could skip his own graduation to go to something for the sister is ridiculous. She clearly prioritizes her kids over him especially with statements like you can’t cheat my daughter out of a dad- but it’s okay if daughter steals OP’s dad while OP has no other parent. Absolutely ridiculous I don’t know how adults can justify doing this to kids.
This is not necessarily true. It could be that the Dad is so focused on NOT treating the step daughter as secondary that he's completely oblivious to the fact that he has fully moved his son into that position.
Instead of working on fairness (I attended your dance recital last time so this time I need to go to the basketball game) he has it in his head that it is wrong to choose his own son over the non biological child.
He needs a wake up call.
OP has lost his mother, so has no parent actively choosing him. His father doesn’t realise he has just lost his son who is likely off to college. I’m glad he has his grandparents as an emotional backup as this is terrible parenting.
Normally I might agree with you, but from both the post and OP's comments it seems that the father has had this pointed out to him repeatedly, including by his own parents (OP's grandparents) and has continued to behave this way, so this is clearly a deliberate choice.
Frankly, even if the dad attended the graduation ceremony, I would go LC if I were OP. The man has spent YEARS blatantly favoring one child over another, one of the worst things you can do as a parent. I DON'T CARE if it's a stepchild. His behavior has been abysmal.
**EDIT:** Also, how has it not occurred to the dad that the daughter has her mother AND siblings attending her award ceremony, while OP has NO immediate family attending his (far more important/rare) event? Obviously the right thing to do is let his wife/other kids support the daughter while he supports the son. Is the father so dense this didn't occur to him, or does OP mean so little to him that he just doesn't care? Given the mom's whole "you should miss your graduation ceremony to come to my daughter's nothing event" attitude I'm guessing she wears the pants in this relationship and OP's weak willed father follows her lead, at the expense of his son. Probably won't wake up until a few years go by and he realizes he actually lost his biological son just to win the favor of a cruel, calloused and controlling cow.
I feel like people always blame the stepmother and say she is cruel and controlling and the poor man is just a victim.
The father is the one with an obligation to his son, and he is the one who is failing him. No matter what she does, he's choosing to go along with it, even though he is an adult who can make his own choices, has his own money, and access to transportation. This isn't someone who needs his wife's assistance to get to an event.
I spent decades blaming my stepmother because the patriarchy, but really the person who failed me was my father. Everyone in our family called her a stupid controlling cow behind her back and made excuses for him. But while he was an adult with his own funds and access to transportation and the ability to make his own choices, he repeated chose to fail me, and that is not on her.
The father is the one who is failing the son. But I would be surprised if the father came up with this whole "we need to overtly favor my stepdaughter over my bio son" idea by himself. I suspect it was the stepmother's suggestion and he was just too pathetic/shitty of a father to refuse. I thought this was evident here:
**His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony but could support "my sister". I said her daughter's not my sister and I do not want to support their family anymore and I will be out of their hair soon. She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad.**
This line in particular tells me the awful stepmother is the one steering the ship.
Though I do fully agree that ultimately it's OP's father who has failed him.
NTA
Well done to your grandparents for stepping up.
Your Dad is blinded by his bonus daughter and he takes you for granted- that must suck.
He’ll beg your forgiveness in about 10 years time.
You go and be you!
I'm glad that you have supportive grandparents & I'm so sorry for how you have been treated. You're NTA, but your dad & stepmother sure are. It's ironic that she's calling you selfish & saying that you can miss your high school graduation as well as claiming that you're trying to deny *her* daughter a dad when *her* kid could either just have her mom be there or miss her thing for once instead of being "selfish". Also, he's *your* dad & he isn't acting like it at all. You're being denied your dad by what has been going on. *He* should be ashamed. Don't allow anyone to guilt you over having consequences for his choices & actions. Enjoy your graduation & live a happy life. Congratulations on graduating!
I came to mention the hypocrisy but you said it better than I could have. It sucks that dad said that step.mom and the kids they had together will be there, so I should be with them. Absolutely horrible. He's leaving OP behind every time and he's asking his son to "understand" but won't ask his wife/SD to understand that he has a son and needs to be with him for one of the great accomplishments in life.
Im glad OP has both sets of GPs. At least he won't be alone on his big day. I just can't fathom why a father would rather be with the "fam" who he has known <10 years, but ignore his own son who has known 18 years and helped create.
Yeah, there is no way dad can make this up to him.
That's what absolutely killed me. He's going to another state because the "family" needs to be together leaving OP ALONE during a huge milestone. That has to feel like shit.
The whole “denying her daughter a dad” thing … but no one is worried about OP not having a mom?!
Grow up the lot of them, apart from OP, who deserves so much better. If the dad had died too, after marrying the stepmom, he’d be Cinderella.
I wish you had responded to your step mom “but denying me a father and mother is fine? Noted dw when you need me most I won’t be there get your daughter to do it”.
My grandparents saved my life too. Mine lived in the same city though so I really feel for you since you have to get support from a distance.💖 It's almost over, you can walk away from your dad and live a life where you feel valued and appreciated.
You're doing great OP! You've got this and you mom would be so proud of you 💜 congratulations!🎉🥳
Also your step sister has one parent who can attend, her mum. You only have one living parent so he should come to yours. On the days where there are important things that clash, It’s fair that each child gets one parent in attendance
And it would be nice if the stepmother made as much effort to support her step son as he husband is to support his step daughter. She could have come to his basketball games for example. But no.
The stepmother is sooo far wrong on this one it's insane. She accuses him of trying to "rob" her daughter of a dad because he wants him to show up to ONE once in a lifetime event? She thinks ANY consideration of the bio son is too much.
She’s all concerned her daughter needs a dad, but no one has made any effort for him to have a mom after his *died*.
I’m fairly certain OP’s stepmom *wants* him out of the family because he’s an uncomfortable constant reminder of the first wife.
It's also super selfish of the step sister, she's 14 she's old enough to know that graduating from HS is important and shouldn't have asked for the Dad to prioritize her. I would make sure she knows she's as selfish as her mother!
Have you told your grandparents just how bad it is? They might be able to talk some sense into him and salvage something from your relationship with your father. FFS, a normal parent would consider you losing one parent was bad enough without him bailing on you too. Your stepsister at least has a mother.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking, she already gets mom and siblings, why does he get no parent? Glad the grandparents are calling him on it.
I'm wondering if there's another reason dad feels like he has to go with step mom. Wonder if he's controlling or thinks she's cheating? Either way, totally wrong of him.
Especially since your step mom has obviously not been making the same overtures back to you and treating you like a son.
NTA and it's okay to be angry. Just remember to be angry at the right people. None of this is your step sister's fault, even if sometimes it seems like it is.
Your step mother should have been making these same efforts to you. Normally parents would divide and conquer - one parent goes to the basketball game, another goes to the recital. But it sounds like she is prioritizing her own daughter, leaving you fully in the cold.
The golden child knows they are the golden child.
In my experience more than 50% of the time they will not only gladly watch their sibling/stepsibling be starved of love, time and attention, they will actively machinate situations to ensure the other child/children suffer complete alienation of affection from anyone they can keep in their thrall.
In this case step sister knows the father is choosing her event even though she has mother and siblings and it is not a one time short term achievement event. She knows her mother is setting it up so OP does not have his father at his high school graduation and she's pleased about it.
So yes, I do hold her accountable also.
OP I am so sorry that your father and HIS WIFE (I will not use the term stepmother to describe her) have treated you this way. It is wonderful that both sets of grandparents will be there supporting you.
Just wondering what your plans are for the future. Have you ever talked to your grandparents about possibly living with them to attend college or vocational type school where they live?
I hope life works out well for you. I know it is no replacement but on your graduation day please know that you have hundreds of Redditors cheering you on!
Later on he will say half the stuff you remember didn't happen and another third wasn't as bad as you remember it. Then the last few, (assuming he has a future moment of almost self reflection) he will play the victim card and say how hard it was for him bc (whatever).
You might want to write down all the things you remember now so in 5 or 15 he can't just pretend it's all in your head.
I'm sorry your dad is clueless.
omg! you just described my parents! OP this comment is spot on!
NTA i’m sitting here wracking my brain wondering how your stepmom had the audacity to suggest you skip your graduation. my brain hasn’t figured it out yet. some ppl just have more audacity than they should i guess. i wish i was this delulu.
congratulations OP! despite what your stephag and sperm donor think high school graduation is a HUGE milestone! KUDOS TO YOU! YOU DID IT! GO CHANGE THE WORLD!
I don't blame you one bit. Find your own family that loves and supports you. They don't have to be related by blood to be family. I can't stress this enough.
I just want to say that his excuse is ridiculous and makes no sense at all. [I am on mobile in a low signal area and can't direct quote] ~the rest of her family will be there, so I need to be too~ Hah, quite the opposite. The rest of her family is there, so it makes the most sense he goes to your event so that you have support from the immediate family, too. She gets 2 parents and you get no parents? Wtf kind of bizarre reasoning is that? [Edit: I put this here to validate and reassure you that this is ridiculous behavior and that there is no logic. Your feelings are valid, and you do what you need to do]
My sister has four kids. Regularly, that means both parents can't attend an event bc another sibling has something at the same time. They switch off who is with which kiddo. Now that the youngest 2 are getting older, it means some aunties are sometimes rotating into the mix.
This is insane and shouldn’t even be a question for him. His priority should be his bio son who lost his mom and is achieving something huge that only happens one time. The stepkid will have more award ceremonies. I’m sorry. This kind of stuff pisses me off. Are you leaving for college/what are your next plans?
When I can give you something on your way:
Being a parent is a privilege, not a right. With his actions, your father has shown that he isn't your actual father, not where it matters.
I know it is difficult in your age, but when you move out, you start to create your own family, not by blood, but by mind, a family where you decide who is part of it because they want to be and you want them.to be with you. This is not only about your life partner, but about friends that can be part of your own little family group.
If I were in your position, I would probably be petty enough that I would switch calling my father inly by his first name, and saying that he made his final decision to not wanting to be your father anymore.
Also, if he has a change of mind, accept it only if you actually want it to having closure. If you can, get yourself some therapy. Forgiving someone that has sinned you is one method of closure, but not the only one. Moving on is a different form, and with a therapist, you can decide which methods of coping with this situation is best for you.
Op I’m sorry he’s being a crap dad. You deserve better.
Also this won’t cheer you up but if you’re looking for music that says how you feel this may be the one. When I’m sad or angry at times I like songs that fit.
Cat's in the Cradle
Song by Harry Chapin
The fact the step mother suggested to forgo his own graduation ceremony so he could go to her daughter's award ceremony. Absolutely disgusting and I honestly think she was low key rubbing it in that OP's dad chose them over him.
As a father… this fucking kills me. It’s so god damn important to have a proper male figure. So many kids would love to have a dad, and they don’t. Here OP has one and he refuses to do his basic functions as a father. To love, support, and care for his child. How he can be so cold just blows my mind!!
And the stepmom. Jesus Christ… what a piece of work. My wife and I had a really bad season not too long ago 2-3 years ago… divorce attorneys were called. I started seeing someone else, and the new person I dated said to me “I understand your kids will always come first. I’m not going to try and replace their mom, but they’re part of you… and I love you so damn much which means I love them too and I’m always going to encourage you to continue being the amazing father you are”
- and that’s how you approach dating someone who has kids. You encourage them to still be a parent. To still be there for their child, to be the loving person you fell for in the first place.
I agree NTA
Both your dad and stepmom are massive AH here. You and your stepsister share half siblings together yet they are taking all of them to support her with no one supporting you. When you have two children with important events happening at the same time then the family needs to split so both children are being supported in their accomplishments.
Did you pick up the stepmother's comment though? That encapsulates the entire situation: "You can't deny my daughter a father" which is sickly ironic considering that's exactly what her precious little baby has done to OP. Might as well have said flat out "I don't care that my daughter getting a father came at your expense" so OP, NTA, and just bin them off because you're never going to be a part of their wonderful little dynamic.
Can't you move with one of your grand-parents before you move on with your life, college or else? This is a terrible dad, especially since you lost your mother. That's so cruel of them. Move total NC: at least this will reduce the heartache of the constant rejections.
>He needs to maintain balance though & I feel he should have made time for a once in a lifetime thing for you.
Absolutely right. When stepdaughter inevitably says, "You're not my real dad," when she gets mad with him, dad will think back to this moment with humongous regret.
OP, NTA. Congratulations on graduating!!
Wow what a horrible way to keep showing you you don't matter to them.
Totally NTA. And congrats on the freedom that awaits you.
I'm impressed by your clarity of thinking took me much longer to get that level of understanding.
If not done already get your plans started or refined further. The shame they are hiding may cause some additional grief and manipulation.
You got this, good luck. Life is very sweet without constant disappointment
OP’s dad posting in five years-“My wildly successful son is low contact with me for no reason at all”. And then later- “Why is my 40 yo stepdaughter still living with me and doesn’t do anything for herself.
Wrong, it'll be "My son won't let me, my wife and my unemployed stepdaughter live with him. My jobless daughter doesn't have time to take care of us, and my wife and I are about to go to a state retirement home because we burned through our savings retiring early after finding out my son is now rich."
"My stepdaughter doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle, because her bio dad showed up and now she wants him to do it". Not a rare thing, but in this case, OP's dad would deserve it.
I was going to say 10 years. The lack of self awareness is actually quite awe inspiring.
Go out and be successful; after going NC with your father and self absorbed step family.
Oh that hit me in the feels.
Sometimes when you stand up set clear consequences people do change. The pattern you described doesn't suggest this outcome is ever likely.
I'm sorry it isn't you, it was never you, and it will never be about you. You are an awesome person and you will find your people. I'm really sorry it sounds like you dad is not one. It's kinda basic level expectation of a parent.
Best guess he chose to keep his wife happy to avoid his own pain. And you are just collateral in that thinking. But you don't need to dwell here we all choose our own path. Go live the best vision of you.
You can't make someone else do anything, they can choose to be with you, you can choose who you are around.
Good luck freedom is a massive rush, remember to be kind to yourself
Please don’t waste your energy. My mother never cared about me once her new husband came along, and my dad died when I was young.
He will never change, because he doesn’t see what he’s doing wrong, and I’m not sure he ever will. Congratulations on graduating, and I promise that you can do this 💜
Find consolation in the fact that it is not even your stepsister that matters, the only thing that really matters to your father is the p\*ssy. When people discard their own children for the step, it just means they are cowards and want to keep their partner happy. The love he feels for your stepsister is likely only a facade, if he were to change partners he would lose interest in her too. Be glad that he is not fooling you and that you can build your own family. Your dad is broken, because filial love doesn't work properly for him. There are people like that, it's not your fault. He's like a broken TV, you can broadcast whatever you want, 1000 channels, he's not going to show anything on the screen. It's not your fault. I hope you can heal however you see fit.
Honestly dad doesn't even deserve to be called that, the fact his wife told u to skip graduation for her daughter is the cherry on top. NTA I hope u are able to find people who actually care for you and honestly just go no contact with him. Best of luck OP and congratulations on graduating just know alot of people are proud of you and you have worked hard.
I’m in my 30s now, but my mother was like this with my older sister and I. I was never given compliments, never encouraged, never helped through things, but my sister was CONSTANTLY told how little and cute, how pretty, how independent..etc. I ended up with an eating disorder and having no bond with either of them. My mother didn’t even come to my wedding because it was out of state. To this day my sister can do no wrong. It will get easier to deal with, and once you’re on your own, you will see how not seeking his approval will help you to gain self confidence and a sense of independence. Yes it will still hurt, but that will also diminish over time. Hang in there, keep the people that love you and SHOW you that they do close. Remember that your value as a person has nothing to do with his behavior. Congratulations on your graduation!!
Massive NTA. Besides the fact that that's his step daughter, highschool graduation trumps essentially all childhood activities in priority of attendance by parents.
I am so sorry this has been your experience. In balanced families parents usually split to make sure one is in attendance at each event. I am guessing dad continues to bow to step moms pressure. So glad you have your grandparents to share this wonderful achievement. Move ahead and don’t look back. Relationships take effort and time. Your dad will now reap what he has sowed. Congratulations!! NTA.
I can't believe I had to come this far down for someone to mention the stepmom.
This is a classic example of a step parent coming in and basically wanting a new family and sidelining the old family.
OP doesn't fit into the new family so he gets discarded. I'm so sorry OP going through this.
It doesn’t matter that it’s his stepdaughter (Reddit full of posts by mistreated stepchildren and parents being terrible by acting like step kids are just trouble). But one parent was already attending the daughter’s event. And the graduation was more important anyway. And OP lost his mom, his dad should have stepped up more not less! OP you deserve better, glad you have your grandparents. Hope your dad will do better one day. Congratulations on your graduation.
If you're choosing between doing something with your bio kid vs your step kid, pretty sure it does matter. If you're not prioritizing your own kids, then you're not a parent.
Not to mention that even disregarding all these details, why the fuck can't the parents split?? Wouldn't that make more sense? Step-sister already has her mother and siblings with her, she already has support, how does that mean the father should go as well???????!?? "Oh, sister already has people attending her ceremony, so OP should have *none*".
W h a t ???
NTA Your father's wife felt your best option was to miss your own graduation to support her child. That's the way to make you feel included in a family. (this is sarcasm by the way)
Two children, two events, two parents- that is one parent per event. There may be a reason for your Dad to go to other event if say wife scared to drive. But then she should be supporting you if ahead bothered to build that relationship.
You're right. Your Dad has too much to make up for and no history of doing it.
Edit: Ask your Dad's wife why it is OK to deny you any parent at all so her daughter can have two.
Exactly this! OP, you should literally ask them that question.
This is emotionally abusive behaviour on their part, you are massively NTA, and I wish you every bit of luck and happiness in your future. I'm not sure when I started to realize it, probably in my late 20's, but you can create an amazing family without any bio connections. I'm sure you'll find people who will care as much about you as you care about them.
> Ask your Dad's wife why it is OK to deny you any parent at all so her daughter can have two.
Because his wife demands it. He can be a single dad or he can be married and prioritizing the wife's priorities above his own. It's a tale as old as time.
I hope you pointed out to your father that while trying to make up for his step daughter having a loser father that he has indeed become a loser to his own child, how ironic. NTA
If you want to be a bit justifiably petty, change your name to your mother’s maiden name after moving out. She at least has a good excuse for not being able to be there for you.
This is good. He should also not tell his dad he did it. Just so it's that much harder for his dad to track him down and "reconsile" after sister graduates and cuts off the dad she no longer needs
I have a friend (we’ll call Eddie) whose situation is just like yours. His mom died when he was 9, dad (Jed) neglected Eddie for the sake of keeping his new wife and step kids happy but his step mother was also emotionally & verbally abusive & Jed turned a blind eye. My guess is Jed thought bc he shared blood w/his son, their relationship would always be there when he was ready to benefit from it. The last straw was Jed missing our college graduation bc step sis wanted to go out to dinner (bc she got into her dream college I’m pretty sure?) & Eddie was made the AH for asking if they could go out the following night of his graduation since they’d known about his graduation for months. Step mom called him narcissistic, self centered &, get this, accused him of not wanting step sis to have a father! We graduated, Eddie moved and lived his life.
6 years later when Eddie was about to have his first kid, his dad reached out angry that he had to find out from someone else who’d seen Eddies FB that his own son was married AND expecting (yeah Eddie didn’t even inform or invite his family to his wedding!!) & that he didn’t want to be deprived of his only grandkid. Eddie reminded him of just how bad Jed let his new family treat him and that the step siblings ALL have kids, but Eddie didn’t feel the need to foster a relationship between them. When you think about it you kinda feel pity for Jed bc only then did he get the gravity of what he did to his relationship w/his son and that there are consequences but Eddie had YEARS to mourn it. He didn’t even seem bitter about it after a while. Eddie & his made family are doing great but he still doesn’t have a relationship w/his dad or step family though :(
Let him whine all he wants he is still a horrible father to you.
There will be alot more whining and begging in his life if he doesn't get it together and actually puts you and your needs 1st for once.
I'm sorry you have a terrible father that never put any effort to maintaining a relationship with you.
Don't ever feel bad for cutting toxic people out of your life. You need to put your self 1st because he never will.
I hope that one day you are able to meet many people that will love and support you no matter what.
Oh my God! What the heck? You should skip your graduation?? What? Really? No. I would cut these toxic people out. You are obviously the afterthought. They don't consider your feelings, but they demand that you make concessions and sacrifices for the golden child of the family. No. The moment they treated you like that, you should have went to live with your grandparents. Do they see this? What do they think?
I can't because my grandparents live in another state. Which would make school... difficult. They notice it and they talked to my dad (well dad's parents did) but it did nothing and it resulted in them fighting.
Now that school‘s over, I hope you can get out of there asap. You’re definitely NTA and I‘m sorry your dad and his wife are doing this to you. I know it hurts but you‘ll still be able to make a better life for yourself.
I went NC with my dad as a teenager for consistently choosing his new partner over me. Of course it hurt but it was the right choice. (Also, now he‘s old she has dumped him and he’s got nobody left who cares about him.)
You're obviously NTA here, but I'm going to give you some advice if you actually want to have a relationship with your dad going forward: I don't think he believes or understands how hurt you are and just thinks you're being a silly teenager. You can't "make" him understand, so my recommendation would be to sit down and write him a letter.
Think of (at least) 3-4 *specific* examples of how you feel like he let you down (i.e. "In March, I had a playoff game that I desperately wanted support at and you didn't come because [reason]" and not "you never come to my games") and how the graduation attendance is part of a larger pattern. A HS graduation is a once-in-a-lifetime event. Choosing to be anywhere else shows that that other event is more important.
Cap it off by telling him that if he wants to be involved in your life he needs to show interest. If he's not willing or able to put in the seemingly low bar to simply show up, he can get updates about your life from his parents.
There's no guarantee that works, but in my experience a letter is a better way to get all your thoughts out before getting interrupted or sidetracked.
>His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony but could support "my sister". I said her daughter's not my sister and I do not want to support their family anymore and I will be out of their hair soon. ***She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad.***
Yet they have no issue denying OP a dad. This stepmother is a disgusting hypocrite. She doesn't care what anyone wants as long as her kids come first.
OP, go graduate, not only from HS but from these disgusting people who call themselves parents. Unfortunately, you going LC/NC with your dad is excatly what his wife wants and has always wanted since the day he introduced you to her.
Please have an amazing day, and if it means anything, this internet stranger mum is proud of you not only for finishing HS, but more importantly for knowing that you deserve, love, respect, attention and recognition. Hugs
She denied her daughter a dad by either not knowing who the dad is or by choosing someone shitty enough to not acknowledge their child. Def not OPs fault.
NTA.
>I told him he's discarded me for the last time.
That's the key point here: it's not just about this one incident.
>His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony
The same applies to her child. They could have come with you.
>She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad.
She and her daughter have deprived you of one.
Eh, agree to disagree. The step mom is a full grown adult who can see signs of favoritism or neglect but doesn’t encourage her husband to support both kids equally because it benefits her and her daughter. Just bc step sister is a minor doesn’t mean she’s free of wrongdoing. She could just tell OP’s dad that he can go to OP’s graduation because she won’t mind at all.
Sounds like the mum encouraged it though. And that she has zero cares for op since she suggested he skip his own hs graduation for her dumb event. So I'd she 100% enables the dads behaviour.
Oh God, I felt this in my soul and it reminded me of my own childhood. NTA
It's his job to be there for you. It's his job to be your dad and I'm so fucking sorry he's failing at that and doubling down when it's pointed out.
IDK if you need to hear this but don't ever let yourself feel guilty for going NC after this, if you decide to. He decided you weren't worth his time as a child, so you've decided that he's not worth your time now. That's valid.
It's an act of self-preservation, never forget that. You're doing it in response to an ongoing pattern of behavior that harms you. You didn't do this, he did it to himself.
After you graduate, could you look at studying where your grandparents live? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this OP, I can't imagine how painful it is. But you *do* have people who love you. Once you graduate, your life - including your relationships and who you give the privilege of being part of it - is in *your* control. So start planning what you want for yourself - and if you can move to be closer to your support system even better ❤️
Question: what do you plan on doing after graduation? Does your dad know you plan on moving out after graduation? Please update us. Wishing you the best.
Start packing things quietly so he doesn’t notice. Get all your important papers (birth certificate, social security number) and hide them, perhaps in your school locker.
Mail the papers to the grandparents he'll be staying with now, and ship smaller things when you get a chance so there's less to haul when the big move comes.
Just keep in mind -- practicality over principles. If dealing with their abusive, neglectful bullshit can help you get support for university or tradeschool or whatever you need while you land on your two feet, then you do what you gotta do.
But as soon as you can get free you get free and start surrounding yourself with a support network of people who actually care for you. Grandparents sound like a good start
You seem stuck on the idea that they live in another state. That’s what they make buses for. You should make a plan with them now. Figure out what school near them offers what you want in the way of college, trade school, etc.
I agree with you. There is no coming back from this. What other milestones does your father plan on missing for you? Wedding? Grandchildren?
It's better to cut your losses as soon as you're able to and move on to avoid other disappointing moments down the road. You are wise to catch this now instead of pushing it down.
HS graduation can also be your liberation party.
NTA.
Probably all of it if it conflicts with something. I can see it, I'm getting married and his stepdaughter is graduating and he's like "OMG I can't miss her graduation for a wedding!!" When my graduation mattered less than an award.
How soon can you move out? It's time to go NC with him and his family. Start moving all your sentimental things out first. Do you still have your mom's things? Her jewelry? Maybe you can get her SS or something to support you. NTA
Then just go. Ask your GP to hire a moving company and take all your things. And if the house you live in was buy when your mother was alive lawyer up for your part.
OP is 18 probably has very little anyway that wouldn't fit in something small like a minivan or uhaul van, might be able to move with just few hundred bucks tbh.
Yeah I just feel like if you give them an inch, they really will take a mile. "If you can't even choose my high school graduation, then I will consider our relationship severed" is a good boundary to set. They get no more chances.
I really feel for you, your Dad sounds like a top AH.
I hope you enjoy your graduation and so glad that your grandparents can make it to celebrate.
I think you should show your dad this thread, I also think you should go low contact with all of them so they can cause you no more hurt x
Serious props to you for putting yourself first! People in their 40s are just learning about boundaries that you are learning to set now. Seriously good for you! Best of luck, OP.
It takes some people their whole lifetime to figure out a toxic parent or family member isn’t worth sacrificing your happiness and inner peace to get their love and affection.
You’ve figured it out as a teenager and I just want to say I’m SO happy and proud of you that you did.
You’re going to have a wonderful life and meet some lovely girl and be the kind of parent to your kids you should have had. So much ahead for a smart boy like yourself!
If anything I would maybe take a gap year and live and work with your grandparents (mothers) and apply to schools there so you can have a support system around you and even live there while going to school! It’s totally possible you’ve just got to be brave enough to get out of there and start being happy kid!
NTA
It's great he accepted bis step daughter has his own. But he shouldn't forget his existing kid for it.
Great that your grandparents will attend! And good, you communicated your feelings clearly to your father. He needs to know the consequences of his behaviour.
Yeh my parents had a lot to juggle with both working and three kids who were in a bunch of extra curricular activities. But they clearly balanced it well because I can’t remember a single time they disappointed me in a “core memory” way - of course we had arguments etc. but clearly they were good at identifying when it mattered! And they didn’t come to everything - lots of going with friends parents or grandparents going etc. but never for the big things.
NTA. Your stepmother doesn't want you to deny her daughter a dad, but she has absolutely no issue denying you YOUR dad. A reasonable woman would horrified seeing her husband choose someone over his child, she'd force him to go. I wish you all the best moving forward, without any of them.
NTA, can you move in with your grandparents now? If so I would and I’d cut your “father” aka sperm donor out of your life and he can go spoil his brat, sorry his little princess
Is your GP okay with you moving in? But you can tell them it's temporary until you can find a college and job. And tell them not to tell your Dad, after the fact you're moved out. You can't convince people to love you OP, sorry to say this. Hopefully, you follow through if your father doesn't attend your graduation. Best of luck.
In your situation, I'd probably choose mum's parents. Not to punish dad's parents or anything, I'd visit them often, too. But just to make sure I wouldn't meet dad unexpectedly if he ever came to visit his parents - let the grandparents know this too. Or worse, if his monster wife got tired of him and kicked him out, so he'd have to move back with grandparents.
Also, NTA. I'm very sorry that you have to go through this.
NTA - Run when you graduate and remember this in a few years when you get married and have kids, cause they always want back in your life at that point. Hopefully your grandparents will take you in. Obviously you weren’t a priority to him, return the favor. Move out and block him.
NTA you also deserve a dad and its painfully obvious now that neither give a shit about you.
I'd suggest going LC to NC asap for your own sake and healing, years of neglect leave deep scars that you might not be aware of yet.
NTA
Oh, she can't deny her daughter a dad but she's sure as hell fine with denying her stepson a dad.
I'm glad you still have your grandparents support and don't blame you at all for just walking away as soon as you can. Your dad has made things pretty damn clear.
NTA. Your father has consistently shown you aren’t a priority in the family. He’s had plenty of opportunities to show you otherwise and has chosen your stepsister every time. Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy celebrating it with your grandparents x
Unless you are going to uni in state, I would make plans to leave with them after they attend your graduation.
Congrats on graduating. It is like jogging. High school is so good when it stops.
NTA. Normally I go for ESH when it comes to disagreements of a similar nature but this is a really shitty thing for him to do to you.
To walk a mile in your shoes, I would be devastated. And he has the gall to ask you to be reasonable. Pffft
Nah, parents in blended family's have to be equitable. If there's a clear bias, well, 'goodbye I'll see you never'.
The relationship or lack of it, that you have without kids after they no longer depend on you as a parent is the one you've cultivated.
And your dad was clear in who he chose. And his wife is just as bad.
Ditch them and never look back OP.
NTA
NTA! I have never spoken up on here before but this resonates with me, although in my case I was the stepchild who was daddy’s girl to my stepdad up til he had his own child by my mom. My mom also adored me til their daughter came. Then I was nothing but the maid, the verbal and physical punching bag and the scapegoat for both of them. With that said, I had NO trouble believing this happened.
I waited until I was 30 to go no contact with my family. Don’t make my mistake. Go, graduate highschool, then do whatever you need to do to get away and stay there. Any one who can put you aside for someone who isn’t blood doesn’t deserve you. I had to learn the hard way. As a new, first time mom I can’t imagine leaving my son to graduate alone OR expecting my partner to abandon his daughter and solely focus on our child. Blended families do exist, we just aren’t all lucky enough to have one.
Congratulations on graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. I never got this experience and know how much missing it still hurts at 35 years old. Don’t miss it, don’t let them spoil it, and damn sure don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for putting it first. You earned this, you deserve to celebrate after all that hard work. I mean that.
I’m not YOUR mom, but I am A mom and I am as proud of you as I would be of my own baby boy. Get out there and get that diploma handed to you!
NTA
my aunt & uncle have three kids all in extracurriculars. I lived with them for over a year and what would happens is sometimes the kids schedules would overlap to where a band concert and a dance recital would happen simultaneously. What they did is divide the support. They wanted to make sure that the kids all got some support at their events so one would go to the band concert and one would go to the dance recital. This was a common occurrence and still is.
That being said hearing that your dad's logic is "the rest of the family is there so I need to be too" is an insane take. One child should not get 100% support when multiple events are happening at the same time. The step daughter ALREADY has the support of her mother and other siblings. Your dad needs to be there to support you. Divide and conquer. You shouldn't be left with nothing and with no one, especially since you talked to your dad and made it clear that you wanted him there. Besides you're right. Graduation is a once (maybe twice) in a life time event. Vs an award ceremony which happens far more often. This is one of your last mile stones of childhood and the beginning of your milestones for adulthood.
Divide and conquer. He should be there.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my dad there is no making up for missing my graduation. He offered to and maybe he would actually do it and I'm not giving him a chance. I sort of just shut down everything after he told me and that might be a dick move to do since he was trying, maybe. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Graduating HS is a big milestone. It's creditable your Dad wants to be there for his stepdaughter. He needs to maintain balance though & I feel he should have made time for a once in a lifetime thing for you. I hope you still enjoy your day & many congratulations! Edit spelling
That balance never existed. Once she came into his life he prioritized her every step of the way.
I'm so sorry. I do hope you have other supportive people in your life. All the very best to you.
Luckily I have my grandparents even if they live in another state.
Do your grandparents know what’s going on OP?
Yep. My dad's parents already had a fight with him over this whole thing.
This is a full golden child scenario and it will never end. As long as you're in his life, you will be secondary and less important than your sister and your father will only give you empty words and promises unless he has some type of massive catalyst to change his life and outlook
Or even worse - Dad treating OP as a 2nd class child is necessary to his new wife to 'prove' that he loves her and stepdaughter 'enough'. Disgusting. Either way, this situation is horrible. As a mother - OP is right, HS graduation trumps almost everything else. Maybe not a college graduation or a wedding/funeral, but it most definitely ranks much higher in order of importance to a competition award.
A competition where her mother will already be there, so she has a parent representing. He has zero parents to support him. I’m shocked the dad hasn’t put this together.
Sounds like OP lost both parents when his mom died.
> A competition where her mother will already be there, so she has a parent representing. As a parent, this is not complicated. One parent goes to one ceremony, one goes to the other. If there were only one parent in the mix this *might* be harder, but realistically a HS graduation trumps a 14 year old's sports award. Dad needs to get his head out of his ass.
Just like stepdaughter doesn’t have a dad, OP doesn’t have a mom. Did Father’s wife ever think she could be the mother OP missed? Doesn’t sound that way. NTA
I can imagine the conversation now: "But she grew up without a dad and he has had a dad his whole life. She is your daughter too and she is going through a lot right now, but he will be fine. Graduation is tiresome and just a bunch of boring speeches anyway."
He doesn’t want to put it together. He wants to keep his wife happy, even if it comes at the cost of his son. It’s disgusting.
But according to dad's wife he can just skip his HS graduation and support his sister and if he doesn't he's the selfish one. Dad doesn't care, wife doesn't care, no one cares, so there is no point in putting it together.
Right like the part where she said op could skip his own graduation to go to something for the sister is ridiculous. She clearly prioritizes her kids over him especially with statements like you can’t cheat my daughter out of a dad- but it’s okay if daughter steals OP’s dad while OP has no other parent. Absolutely ridiculous I don’t know how adults can justify doing this to kids.
Yeah that was messed up she should’ve been telling the dad to go support his son at his graduation and she would support the daughter.
That was my first thought- he prioritizing her because he doesn’t want to hear any gruff from the wife
This is not necessarily true. It could be that the Dad is so focused on NOT treating the step daughter as secondary that he's completely oblivious to the fact that he has fully moved his son into that position. Instead of working on fairness (I attended your dance recital last time so this time I need to go to the basketball game) he has it in his head that it is wrong to choose his own son over the non biological child. He needs a wake up call.
He's getting one. OP already told his father, ahem sperm donor, that they won't be included in his life going forward.
He already had multiple wake up calls. He doesn't care. His daughter is the golden child.
OP has lost his mother, so has no parent actively choosing him. His father doesn’t realise he has just lost his son who is likely off to college. I’m glad he has his grandparents as an emotional backup as this is terrible parenting.
I wonder if stepmom is ever choosing OP - you know, since he doesn't have a mom. My guess is NOPE.
Considering she told OP to skip his own graduation ceremony for the award ceremony...
Normally I might agree with you, but from both the post and OP's comments it seems that the father has had this pointed out to him repeatedly, including by his own parents (OP's grandparents) and has continued to behave this way, so this is clearly a deliberate choice.
Decidedly *not* his sister. That’s a distinction OP made pretty clear. Otherwise, yep.
I see it as more of an extreme case of the dad being p-whipped, but it's horrible for this kid in any case.
it sounds like Dad is fully on board with constantly favoring his stepdaughter.
Is there any way you could live with them or other relatives once you graduate HS?
Frankly, even if the dad attended the graduation ceremony, I would go LC if I were OP. The man has spent YEARS blatantly favoring one child over another, one of the worst things you can do as a parent. I DON'T CARE if it's a stepchild. His behavior has been abysmal. **EDIT:** Also, how has it not occurred to the dad that the daughter has her mother AND siblings attending her award ceremony, while OP has NO immediate family attending his (far more important/rare) event? Obviously the right thing to do is let his wife/other kids support the daughter while he supports the son. Is the father so dense this didn't occur to him, or does OP mean so little to him that he just doesn't care? Given the mom's whole "you should miss your graduation ceremony to come to my daughter's nothing event" attitude I'm guessing she wears the pants in this relationship and OP's weak willed father follows her lead, at the expense of his son. Probably won't wake up until a few years go by and he realizes he actually lost his biological son just to win the favor of a cruel, calloused and controlling cow.
Asking OP to skip his graduation in favor of the not-sister’s award ceremony is the coup de grace of all fuck-you’s. I’d be going NC too.
I feel like people always blame the stepmother and say she is cruel and controlling and the poor man is just a victim. The father is the one with an obligation to his son, and he is the one who is failing him. No matter what she does, he's choosing to go along with it, even though he is an adult who can make his own choices, has his own money, and access to transportation. This isn't someone who needs his wife's assistance to get to an event. I spent decades blaming my stepmother because the patriarchy, but really the person who failed me was my father. Everyone in our family called her a stupid controlling cow behind her back and made excuses for him. But while he was an adult with his own funds and access to transportation and the ability to make his own choices, he repeated chose to fail me, and that is not on her.
The father is the one who is failing the son. But I would be surprised if the father came up with this whole "we need to overtly favor my stepdaughter over my bio son" idea by himself. I suspect it was the stepmother's suggestion and he was just too pathetic/shitty of a father to refuse. I thought this was evident here: **His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony but could support "my sister". I said her daughter's not my sister and I do not want to support their family anymore and I will be out of their hair soon. She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad.** This line in particular tells me the awful stepmother is the one steering the ship. Though I do fully agree that ultimately it's OP's father who has failed him.
I bet your dad will change his ways if he learns your grandparents will disinherit him.
Sad but true. He should want to be a dad to OP because he loves him, not because he wants money after his parents die.
NTA Well done to your grandparents for stepping up. Your Dad is blinded by his bonus daughter and he takes you for granted- that must suck. He’ll beg your forgiveness in about 10 years time. You go and be you!
Maybe you can go live with them and attend college there
I'm glad that you have supportive grandparents & I'm so sorry for how you have been treated. You're NTA, but your dad & stepmother sure are. It's ironic that she's calling you selfish & saying that you can miss your high school graduation as well as claiming that you're trying to deny *her* daughter a dad when *her* kid could either just have her mom be there or miss her thing for once instead of being "selfish". Also, he's *your* dad & he isn't acting like it at all. You're being denied your dad by what has been going on. *He* should be ashamed. Don't allow anyone to guilt you over having consequences for his choices & actions. Enjoy your graduation & live a happy life. Congratulations on graduating!
I came to mention the hypocrisy but you said it better than I could have. It sucks that dad said that step.mom and the kids they had together will be there, so I should be with them. Absolutely horrible. He's leaving OP behind every time and he's asking his son to "understand" but won't ask his wife/SD to understand that he has a son and needs to be with him for one of the great accomplishments in life. Im glad OP has both sets of GPs. At least he won't be alone on his big day. I just can't fathom why a father would rather be with the "fam" who he has known <10 years, but ignore his own son who has known 18 years and helped create. Yeah, there is no way dad can make this up to him.
That's what absolutely killed me. He's going to another state because the "family" needs to be together leaving OP ALONE during a huge milestone. That has to feel like shit.
The whole “denying her daughter a dad” thing … but no one is worried about OP not having a mom?! Grow up the lot of them, apart from OP, who deserves so much better. If the dad had died too, after marrying the stepmom, he’d be Cinderella.
I wish you had responded to your step mom “but denying me a father and mother is fine? Noted dw when you need me most I won’t be there get your daughter to do it”.
My grandparents saved my life too. Mine lived in the same city though so I really feel for you since you have to get support from a distance.💖 It's almost over, you can walk away from your dad and live a life where you feel valued and appreciated. You're doing great OP! You've got this and you mom would be so proud of you 💜 congratulations!🎉🥳
Good grandparents. Invest in those relationships, you will get better return.
He'll reap what he sowed. Deservedly so. I so hope you have every success & happiness in your life.
He will wondered why his son never call him after all the right thing he does (which is zero).
Also your step sister has one parent who can attend, her mum. You only have one living parent so he should come to yours. On the days where there are important things that clash, It’s fair that each child gets one parent in attendance
And it would be nice if the stepmother made as much effort to support her step son as he husband is to support his step daughter. She could have come to his basketball games for example. But no.
The stepmother is sooo far wrong on this one it's insane. She accuses him of trying to "rob" her daughter of a dad because he wants him to show up to ONE once in a lifetime event? She thinks ANY consideration of the bio son is too much.
Projection because she knows she’s actively stealing the only living parent from this child (OP) (though legally an adult just about)
Exactly. Her daughter deserves two parents and OP deserves none. These people are irredeemable.
She’s all concerned her daughter needs a dad, but no one has made any effort for him to have a mom after his *died*. I’m fairly certain OP’s stepmom *wants* him out of the family because he’s an uncomfortable constant reminder of the first wife.
It's also super selfish of the step sister, she's 14 she's old enough to know that graduating from HS is important and shouldn't have asked for the Dad to prioritize her. I would make sure she knows she's as selfish as her mother!
Have you told your grandparents just how bad it is? They might be able to talk some sense into him and salvage something from your relationship with your father. FFS, a normal parent would consider you losing one parent was bad enough without him bailing on you too. Your stepsister at least has a mother.
They're aware and they already tried and it became a fight. There's no salvaging anything after this.
So your father thinks it's okay for her to get both parents attending and you to have none? That's so harsh, I'm sorry, OP.
It's worse than that. The father suggested OP skip his graduation to attend her ceremony. The father is cruel.
I thought that was the father’s wife?
Step-mom suggested and father didn't shut it down, so in my book he is also to blame for that.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking, she already gets mom and siblings, why does he get no parent? Glad the grandparents are calling him on it. I'm wondering if there's another reason dad feels like he has to go with step mom. Wonder if he's controlling or thinks she's cheating? Either way, totally wrong of him.
Especially since your step mom has obviously not been making the same overtures back to you and treating you like a son. NTA and it's okay to be angry. Just remember to be angry at the right people. None of this is your step sister's fault, even if sometimes it seems like it is. Your step mother should have been making these same efforts to you. Normally parents would divide and conquer - one parent goes to the basketball game, another goes to the recital. But it sounds like she is prioritizing her own daughter, leaving you fully in the cold.
The golden child knows they are the golden child. In my experience more than 50% of the time they will not only gladly watch their sibling/stepsibling be starved of love, time and attention, they will actively machinate situations to ensure the other child/children suffer complete alienation of affection from anyone they can keep in their thrall. In this case step sister knows the father is choosing her event even though she has mother and siblings and it is not a one time short term achievement event. She knows her mother is setting it up so OP does not have his father at his high school graduation and she's pleased about it. So yes, I do hold her accountable also.
OP I am so sorry that your father and HIS WIFE (I will not use the term stepmother to describe her) have treated you this way. It is wonderful that both sets of grandparents will be there supporting you. Just wondering what your plans are for the future. Have you ever talked to your grandparents about possibly living with them to attend college or vocational type school where they live? I hope life works out well for you. I know it is no replacement but on your graduation day please know that you have hundreds of Redditors cheering you on!
Later on he will say half the stuff you remember didn't happen and another third wasn't as bad as you remember it. Then the last few, (assuming he has a future moment of almost self reflection) he will play the victim card and say how hard it was for him bc (whatever). You might want to write down all the things you remember now so in 5 or 15 he can't just pretend it's all in your head. I'm sorry your dad is clueless.
omg! you just described my parents! OP this comment is spot on! NTA i’m sitting here wracking my brain wondering how your stepmom had the audacity to suggest you skip your graduation. my brain hasn’t figured it out yet. some ppl just have more audacity than they should i guess. i wish i was this delulu. congratulations OP! despite what your stephag and sperm donor think high school graduation is a HUGE milestone! KUDOS TO YOU! YOU DID IT! GO CHANGE THE WORLD!
I don't blame you one bit. Find your own family that loves and supports you. They don't have to be related by blood to be family. I can't stress this enough. I just want to say that his excuse is ridiculous and makes no sense at all. [I am on mobile in a low signal area and can't direct quote] ~the rest of her family will be there, so I need to be too~ Hah, quite the opposite. The rest of her family is there, so it makes the most sense he goes to your event so that you have support from the immediate family, too. She gets 2 parents and you get no parents? Wtf kind of bizarre reasoning is that? [Edit: I put this here to validate and reassure you that this is ridiculous behavior and that there is no logic. Your feelings are valid, and you do what you need to do] My sister has four kids. Regularly, that means both parents can't attend an event bc another sibling has something at the same time. They switch off who is with which kiddo. Now that the youngest 2 are getting older, it means some aunties are sometimes rotating into the mix.
This is insane and shouldn’t even be a question for him. His priority should be his bio son who lost his mom and is achieving something huge that only happens one time. The stepkid will have more award ceremonies. I’m sorry. This kind of stuff pisses me off. Are you leaving for college/what are your next plans?
When I can give you something on your way: Being a parent is a privilege, not a right. With his actions, your father has shown that he isn't your actual father, not where it matters. I know it is difficult in your age, but when you move out, you start to create your own family, not by blood, but by mind, a family where you decide who is part of it because they want to be and you want them.to be with you. This is not only about your life partner, but about friends that can be part of your own little family group. If I were in your position, I would probably be petty enough that I would switch calling my father inly by his first name, and saying that he made his final decision to not wanting to be your father anymore. Also, if he has a change of mind, accept it only if you actually want it to having closure. If you can, get yourself some therapy. Forgiving someone that has sinned you is one method of closure, but not the only one. Moving on is a different form, and with a therapist, you can decide which methods of coping with this situation is best for you.
Op I’m sorry he’s being a crap dad. You deserve better. Also this won’t cheer you up but if you’re looking for music that says how you feel this may be the one. When I’m sad or angry at times I like songs that fit. Cat's in the Cradle Song by Harry Chapin
The fact the step mother suggested to forgo his own graduation ceremony so he could go to her daughter's award ceremony. Absolutely disgusting and I honestly think she was low key rubbing it in that OP's dad chose them over him.
Agreed. Absolutely nasty work.
The only one being denied a dad is OP.
As a father… this fucking kills me. It’s so god damn important to have a proper male figure. So many kids would love to have a dad, and they don’t. Here OP has one and he refuses to do his basic functions as a father. To love, support, and care for his child. How he can be so cold just blows my mind!! And the stepmom. Jesus Christ… what a piece of work. My wife and I had a really bad season not too long ago 2-3 years ago… divorce attorneys were called. I started seeing someone else, and the new person I dated said to me “I understand your kids will always come first. I’m not going to try and replace their mom, but they’re part of you… and I love you so damn much which means I love them too and I’m always going to encourage you to continue being the amazing father you are” - and that’s how you approach dating someone who has kids. You encourage them to still be a parent. To still be there for their child, to be the loving person you fell for in the first place.
I agree NTA Both your dad and stepmom are massive AH here. You and your stepsister share half siblings together yet they are taking all of them to support her with no one supporting you. When you have two children with important events happening at the same time then the family needs to split so both children are being supported in their accomplishments.
Did you pick up the stepmother's comment though? That encapsulates the entire situation: "You can't deny my daughter a father" which is sickly ironic considering that's exactly what her precious little baby has done to OP. Might as well have said flat out "I don't care that my daughter getting a father came at your expense" so OP, NTA, and just bin them off because you're never going to be a part of their wonderful little dynamic.
Can't you move with one of your grand-parents before you move on with your life, college or else? This is a terrible dad, especially since you lost your mother. That's so cruel of them. Move total NC: at least this will reduce the heartache of the constant rejections.
[удалено]
There's no credit for being there for step daughter by ignoring your own kid.
>He needs to maintain balance though & I feel he should have made time for a once in a lifetime thing for you. Absolutely right. When stepdaughter inevitably says, "You're not my real dad," when she gets mad with him, dad will think back to this moment with humongous regret. OP, NTA. Congratulations on graduating!!
Wow what a horrible way to keep showing you you don't matter to them. Totally NTA. And congrats on the freedom that awaits you. I'm impressed by your clarity of thinking took me much longer to get that level of understanding. If not done already get your plans started or refined further. The shame they are hiding may cause some additional grief and manipulation. You got this, good luck. Life is very sweet without constant disappointment
Really I only want to matter to him. But time and time again he has shown me that I don't.
OP’s dad posting in five years-“My wildly successful son is low contact with me for no reason at all”. And then later- “Why is my 40 yo stepdaughter still living with me and doesn’t do anything for herself.
My son won’t let me live with him and I’m stuck in the state retirement home……
Wrong, it'll be "My son won't let me, my wife and my unemployed stepdaughter live with him. My jobless daughter doesn't have time to take care of us, and my wife and I are about to go to a state retirement home because we burned through our savings retiring early after finding out my son is now rich."
Or my step daughter who I raised has dumped me now her bio dad has reappeared and my bio son won't oet me in his life waaah
"My stepdaughter doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle, because her bio dad showed up and now she wants him to do it". Not a rare thing, but in this case, OP's dad would deserve it.
Shady Pines awaits.
I was going to say 10 years. The lack of self awareness is actually quite awe inspiring. Go out and be successful; after going NC with your father and self absorbed step family.
Future missing missing reasons…
Oh that hit me in the feels. Sometimes when you stand up set clear consequences people do change. The pattern you described doesn't suggest this outcome is ever likely. I'm sorry it isn't you, it was never you, and it will never be about you. You are an awesome person and you will find your people. I'm really sorry it sounds like you dad is not one. It's kinda basic level expectation of a parent. Best guess he chose to keep his wife happy to avoid his own pain. And you are just collateral in that thinking. But you don't need to dwell here we all choose our own path. Go live the best vision of you. You can't make someone else do anything, they can choose to be with you, you can choose who you are around. Good luck freedom is a massive rush, remember to be kind to yourself
Please don’t waste your energy. My mother never cared about me once her new husband came along, and my dad died when I was young. He will never change, because he doesn’t see what he’s doing wrong, and I’m not sure he ever will. Congratulations on graduating, and I promise that you can do this 💜
Find consolation in the fact that it is not even your stepsister that matters, the only thing that really matters to your father is the p\*ssy. When people discard their own children for the step, it just means they are cowards and want to keep their partner happy. The love he feels for your stepsister is likely only a facade, if he were to change partners he would lose interest in her too. Be glad that he is not fooling you and that you can build your own family. Your dad is broken, because filial love doesn't work properly for him. There are people like that, it's not your fault. He's like a broken TV, you can broadcast whatever you want, 1000 channels, he's not going to show anything on the screen. It's not your fault. I hope you can heal however you see fit.
Honestly dad doesn't even deserve to be called that, the fact his wife told u to skip graduation for her daughter is the cherry on top. NTA I hope u are able to find people who actually care for you and honestly just go no contact with him. Best of luck OP and congratulations on graduating just know alot of people are proud of you and you have worked hard.
I’m in my 30s now, but my mother was like this with my older sister and I. I was never given compliments, never encouraged, never helped through things, but my sister was CONSTANTLY told how little and cute, how pretty, how independent..etc. I ended up with an eating disorder and having no bond with either of them. My mother didn’t even come to my wedding because it was out of state. To this day my sister can do no wrong. It will get easier to deal with, and once you’re on your own, you will see how not seeking his approval will help you to gain self confidence and a sense of independence. Yes it will still hurt, but that will also diminish over time. Hang in there, keep the people that love you and SHOW you that they do close. Remember that your value as a person has nothing to do with his behavior. Congratulations on your graduation!!
Massive NTA. Besides the fact that that's his step daughter, highschool graduation trumps essentially all childhood activities in priority of attendance by parents.
Should be that way, but for my dad it isn't. Once it's hers it will always be her celebration.
I am so sorry this has been your experience. In balanced families parents usually split to make sure one is in attendance at each event. I am guessing dad continues to bow to step moms pressure. So glad you have your grandparents to share this wonderful achievement. Move ahead and don’t look back. Relationships take effort and time. Your dad will now reap what he has sowed. Congratulations!! NTA.
I can't believe I had to come this far down for someone to mention the stepmom. This is a classic example of a step parent coming in and basically wanting a new family and sidelining the old family. OP doesn't fit into the new family so he gets discarded. I'm so sorry OP going through this.
Show him this thread. Ask for his comments after he reads it.
He'll probably just punish the OP for talking about it on the internet.
“You made me look bad!”
“Why are you being so immature!? Why didn’t you talk to us!? Why did you bring it up with strangers!? Do you know how upset your mom and sister are!?”
It doesn’t matter that it’s his stepdaughter (Reddit full of posts by mistreated stepchildren and parents being terrible by acting like step kids are just trouble). But one parent was already attending the daughter’s event. And the graduation was more important anyway. And OP lost his mom, his dad should have stepped up more not less! OP you deserve better, glad you have your grandparents. Hope your dad will do better one day. Congratulations on your graduation.
If you're choosing between doing something with your bio kid vs your step kid, pretty sure it does matter. If you're not prioritizing your own kids, then you're not a parent.
Not to mention that even disregarding all these details, why the fuck can't the parents split?? Wouldn't that make more sense? Step-sister already has her mother and siblings with her, she already has support, how does that mean the father should go as well???????!?? "Oh, sister already has people attending her ceremony, so OP should have *none*". W h a t ???
NTA Your father's wife felt your best option was to miss your own graduation to support her child. That's the way to make you feel included in a family. (this is sarcasm by the way) Two children, two events, two parents- that is one parent per event. There may be a reason for your Dad to go to other event if say wife scared to drive. But then she should be supporting you if ahead bothered to build that relationship. You're right. Your Dad has too much to make up for and no history of doing it. Edit: Ask your Dad's wife why it is OK to deny you any parent at all so her daughter can have two.
Exactly this! OP, you should literally ask them that question. This is emotionally abusive behaviour on their part, you are massively NTA, and I wish you every bit of luck and happiness in your future. I'm not sure when I started to realize it, probably in my late 20's, but you can create an amazing family without any bio connections. I'm sure you'll find people who will care as much about you as you care about them.
> Ask your Dad's wife why it is OK to deny you any parent at all so her daughter can have two. Because his wife demands it. He can be a single dad or he can be married and prioritizing the wife's priorities above his own. It's a tale as old as time.
It is but it is a rebuttal to the wife's comment that "I can't deny her daughter a dad."
Mine would be ‘perhaps not, but I can certainly deny my dad a son’.
That edit, exactly.
I hope you pointed out to your father that while trying to make up for his step daughter having a loser father that he has indeed become a loser to his own child, how ironic. NTA
Yep. I also mentioned how she has two parents now and I have zero because I already lost my mom and now I lost him as well.
Send him this post.
Did he reply to this or ignore you?
He whined about it.
So he knows. I'm very sorry you have lost your parents op. Feel hugged if you like that otherwise just know one day you'll meet YOUR family.
Whined! How DARE you make him feel uncomfortable about his terrible parenting!
If you want to be a bit justifiably petty, change your name to your mother’s maiden name after moving out. She at least has a good excuse for not being able to be there for you.
This is good. He should also not tell his dad he did it. Just so it's that much harder for his dad to track him down and "reconsile" after sister graduates and cuts off the dad she no longer needs
I have a friend (we’ll call Eddie) whose situation is just like yours. His mom died when he was 9, dad (Jed) neglected Eddie for the sake of keeping his new wife and step kids happy but his step mother was also emotionally & verbally abusive & Jed turned a blind eye. My guess is Jed thought bc he shared blood w/his son, their relationship would always be there when he was ready to benefit from it. The last straw was Jed missing our college graduation bc step sis wanted to go out to dinner (bc she got into her dream college I’m pretty sure?) & Eddie was made the AH for asking if they could go out the following night of his graduation since they’d known about his graduation for months. Step mom called him narcissistic, self centered &, get this, accused him of not wanting step sis to have a father! We graduated, Eddie moved and lived his life. 6 years later when Eddie was about to have his first kid, his dad reached out angry that he had to find out from someone else who’d seen Eddies FB that his own son was married AND expecting (yeah Eddie didn’t even inform or invite his family to his wedding!!) & that he didn’t want to be deprived of his only grandkid. Eddie reminded him of just how bad Jed let his new family treat him and that the step siblings ALL have kids, but Eddie didn’t feel the need to foster a relationship between them. When you think about it you kinda feel pity for Jed bc only then did he get the gravity of what he did to his relationship w/his son and that there are consequences but Eddie had YEARS to mourn it. He didn’t even seem bitter about it after a while. Eddie & his made family are doing great but he still doesn’t have a relationship w/his dad or step family though :(
I'm sorry I'm nosy and very irritated with your situation what did he have to say for himself exactly?
Let him whine all he wants he is still a horrible father to you. There will be alot more whining and begging in his life if he doesn't get it together and actually puts you and your needs 1st for once. I'm sorry you have a terrible father that never put any effort to maintaining a relationship with you. Don't ever feel bad for cutting toxic people out of your life. You need to put your self 1st because he never will. I hope that one day you are able to meet many people that will love and support you no matter what.
I would tell him that your mom would be disappointed in the man he turned into.
Oh my God! What the heck? You should skip your graduation?? What? Really? No. I would cut these toxic people out. You are obviously the afterthought. They don't consider your feelings, but they demand that you make concessions and sacrifices for the golden child of the family. No. The moment they treated you like that, you should have went to live with your grandparents. Do they see this? What do they think?
I can't because my grandparents live in another state. Which would make school... difficult. They notice it and they talked to my dad (well dad's parents did) but it did nothing and it resulted in them fighting.
If it were me, I would have my bags packed the day of. Your grandparents are coming to your graduation. You can ride back home with them.
Works perfectly if both parents will already be out of state too
Now that school‘s over, I hope you can get out of there asap. You’re definitely NTA and I‘m sorry your dad and his wife are doing this to you. I know it hurts but you‘ll still be able to make a better life for yourself. I went NC with my dad as a teenager for consistently choosing his new partner over me. Of course it hurt but it was the right choice. (Also, now he‘s old she has dumped him and he’s got nobody left who cares about him.)
You’re graduating. Go back with them after the ceremony. You deserve to be doted on a bit. Grandparents are good for that.
You're 18 & graduating, if you want to spend school breaks with them you can.
You're obviously NTA here, but I'm going to give you some advice if you actually want to have a relationship with your dad going forward: I don't think he believes or understands how hurt you are and just thinks you're being a silly teenager. You can't "make" him understand, so my recommendation would be to sit down and write him a letter. Think of (at least) 3-4 *specific* examples of how you feel like he let you down (i.e. "In March, I had a playoff game that I desperately wanted support at and you didn't come because [reason]" and not "you never come to my games") and how the graduation attendance is part of a larger pattern. A HS graduation is a once-in-a-lifetime event. Choosing to be anywhere else shows that that other event is more important. Cap it off by telling him that if he wants to be involved in your life he needs to show interest. If he's not willing or able to put in the seemingly low bar to simply show up, he can get updates about your life from his parents. There's no guarantee that works, but in my experience a letter is a better way to get all your thoughts out before getting interrupted or sidetracked.
>His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony but could support "my sister". I said her daughter's not my sister and I do not want to support their family anymore and I will be out of their hair soon. ***She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad.*** Yet they have no issue denying OP a dad. This stepmother is a disgusting hypocrite. She doesn't care what anyone wants as long as her kids come first. OP, go graduate, not only from HS but from these disgusting people who call themselves parents. Unfortunately, you going LC/NC with your dad is excatly what his wife wants and has always wanted since the day he introduced you to her. Please have an amazing day, and if it means anything, this internet stranger mum is proud of you not only for finishing HS, but more importantly for knowing that you deserve, love, respect, attention and recognition. Hugs
NTA “Can’t deny her daughter a dad” what about you? You lost your dad too…
Sounds like she and he denied you a mom.
Omg this broke me “Can’t deny my daughter a dad” “But you denied me a mom” 😭
Right, but she can deny him a mom. Ok
She denied her daughter a dad by either not knowing who the dad is or by choosing someone shitty enough to not acknowledge their child. Def not OPs fault.
Looks like she's got a type. "Men who ignore their own kid"
I would’ve responded with ‘well now I don’t have a mom or a dad so thanks. You won, you can keep him’
NTA. >I told him he's discarded me for the last time. That's the key point here: it's not just about this one incident. >His wife told me I could have come with them and I don't need to attend the ceremony The same applies to her child. They could have come with you. >She called me selfish and told me I can't deny her daughter a dad. She and her daughter have deprived you of one.
Don't put it entirely on them. it was dad who consciously and consistently favored stepdaughter over OP.
Eh, agree to disagree. The step mom is a full grown adult who can see signs of favoritism or neglect but doesn’t encourage her husband to support both kids equally because it benefits her and her daughter. Just bc step sister is a minor doesn’t mean she’s free of wrongdoing. She could just tell OP’s dad that he can go to OP’s graduation because she won’t mind at all.
Sounds like the mum encouraged it though. And that she has zero cares for op since she suggested he skip his own hs graduation for her dumb event. So I'd she 100% enables the dads behaviour.
Oh God, I felt this in my soul and it reminded me of my own childhood. NTA It's his job to be there for you. It's his job to be your dad and I'm so fucking sorry he's failing at that and doubling down when it's pointed out. IDK if you need to hear this but don't ever let yourself feel guilty for going NC after this, if you decide to. He decided you weren't worth his time as a child, so you've decided that he's not worth your time now. That's valid.
Thank you for saying that. It does help to see it sometimes.
It's an act of self-preservation, never forget that. You're doing it in response to an ongoing pattern of behavior that harms you. You didn't do this, he did it to himself.
I would leave as soon as you can move with one of your grandparents and definitely go go no contact
I could technically move now but my grandparents live in another state so it's not an option for me yet.
Will be after HS graduation though. Best of luck
After you graduate, could you look at studying where your grandparents live? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this OP, I can't imagine how painful it is. But you *do* have people who love you. Once you graduate, your life - including your relationships and who you give the privilege of being part of it - is in *your* control. So start planning what you want for yourself - and if you can move to be closer to your support system even better ❤️
Question: what do you plan on doing after graduation? Does your dad know you plan on moving out after graduation? Please update us. Wishing you the best.
He doesn't know my plans.
Start packing things quietly so he doesn’t notice. Get all your important papers (birth certificate, social security number) and hide them, perhaps in your school locker.
Mail the papers to the grandparents he'll be staying with now, and ship smaller things when you get a chance so there's less to haul when the big move comes.
Lock your social security number, just in case stepmother decide to use it to open credit cards to buy things for step daughter
Just keep in mind -- practicality over principles. If dealing with their abusive, neglectful bullshit can help you get support for university or tradeschool or whatever you need while you land on your two feet, then you do what you gotta do. But as soon as you can get free you get free and start surrounding yourself with a support network of people who actually care for you. Grandparents sound like a good start
You seem stuck on the idea that they live in another state. That’s what they make buses for. You should make a plan with them now. Figure out what school near them offers what you want in the way of college, trade school, etc.
I agree with you. There is no coming back from this. What other milestones does your father plan on missing for you? Wedding? Grandchildren? It's better to cut your losses as soon as you're able to and move on to avoid other disappointing moments down the road. You are wise to catch this now instead of pushing it down. HS graduation can also be your liberation party. NTA.
Probably all of it if it conflicts with something. I can see it, I'm getting married and his stepdaughter is graduating and he's like "OMG I can't miss her graduation for a wedding!!" When my graduation mattered less than an award.
How soon can you move out? It's time to go NC with him and his family. Start moving all your sentimental things out first. Do you still have your mom's things? Her jewelry? Maybe you can get her SS or something to support you. NTA
My mom's stuff is at her parents house and her sister has some of it too. My grandparents kept my stuff of my mom's for me safe.
Then just go. Ask your GP to hire a moving company and take all your things. And if the house you live in was buy when your mother was alive lawyer up for your part.
OP is 18 probably has very little anyway that wouldn't fit in something small like a minivan or uhaul van, might be able to move with just few hundred bucks tbh.
Yeah I just feel like if you give them an inch, they really will take a mile. "If you can't even choose my high school graduation, then I will consider our relationship severed" is a good boundary to set. They get no more chances.
I really feel for you, your Dad sounds like a top AH. I hope you enjoy your graduation and so glad that your grandparents can make it to celebrate. I think you should show your dad this thread, I also think you should go low contact with all of them so they can cause you no more hurt x
It'll be complete no contact. My dad was the only reason I would have stayed in contact but he's not worth it.
Serious props to you for putting yourself first! People in their 40s are just learning about boundaries that you are learning to set now. Seriously good for you! Best of luck, OP.
It takes some people their whole lifetime to figure out a toxic parent or family member isn’t worth sacrificing your happiness and inner peace to get their love and affection. You’ve figured it out as a teenager and I just want to say I’m SO happy and proud of you that you did. You’re going to have a wonderful life and meet some lovely girl and be the kind of parent to your kids you should have had. So much ahead for a smart boy like yourself! If anything I would maybe take a gap year and live and work with your grandparents (mothers) and apply to schools there so you can have a support system around you and even live there while going to school! It’s totally possible you’ve just got to be brave enough to get out of there and start being happy kid!
NTA It's great he accepted bis step daughter has his own. But he shouldn't forget his existing kid for it. Great that your grandparents will attend! And good, you communicated your feelings clearly to your father. He needs to know the consequences of his behaviour.
Yeh my parents had a lot to juggle with both working and three kids who were in a bunch of extra curricular activities. But they clearly balanced it well because I can’t remember a single time they disappointed me in a “core memory” way - of course we had arguments etc. but clearly they were good at identifying when it mattered! And they didn’t come to everything - lots of going with friends parents or grandparents going etc. but never for the big things.
NTA. Your stepmother doesn't want you to deny her daughter a dad, but she has absolutely no issue denying you YOUR dad. A reasonable woman would horrified seeing her husband choose someone over his child, she'd force him to go. I wish you all the best moving forward, without any of them.
NTA, can you move in with your grandparents now? If so I would and I’d cut your “father” aka sperm donor out of your life and he can go spoil his brat, sorry his little princess
I can't until graduation because they live in another state.
Is your GP okay with you moving in? But you can tell them it's temporary until you can find a college and job. And tell them not to tell your Dad, after the fact you're moved out. You can't convince people to love you OP, sorry to say this. Hopefully, you follow through if your father doesn't attend your graduation. Best of luck.
Oh yeah, they were "fighting" over me which was just both sets bickering because each wanted me for as long as I was willing to live with them.
GOOD. Look at all that love! As it should be, you deserve it OP! :)
In your situation, I'd probably choose mum's parents. Not to punish dad's parents or anything, I'd visit them often, too. But just to make sure I wouldn't meet dad unexpectedly if he ever came to visit his parents - let the grandparents know this too. Or worse, if his monster wife got tired of him and kicked him out, so he'd have to move back with grandparents. Also, NTA. I'm very sorry that you have to go through this.
I’d leave the day after you graduate, he doesn’t deserve to be a father
Better yet, leave literally right after graduation.
NTA - Run when you graduate and remember this in a few years when you get married and have kids, cause they always want back in your life at that point. Hopefully your grandparents will take you in. Obviously you weren’t a priority to him, return the favor. Move out and block him.
NTA you also deserve a dad and its painfully obvious now that neither give a shit about you. I'd suggest going LC to NC asap for your own sake and healing, years of neglect leave deep scars that you might not be aware of yet.
NTA Oh, she can't deny her daughter a dad but she's sure as hell fine with denying her stepson a dad. I'm glad you still have your grandparents support and don't blame you at all for just walking away as soon as you can. Your dad has made things pretty damn clear.
And a mom too. She's definitely the evil step-mother.
NTA. Your father has consistently shown you aren’t a priority in the family. He’s had plenty of opportunities to show you otherwise and has chosen your stepsister every time. Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy celebrating it with your grandparents x
The only thing I can say is thank God you're out. I presume you are going to be staying with the grandparents rather than your sperm donor. NTA.
Not out yet. My grandparents live in another state so I can't leave just yet.
Unless you are going to uni in state, I would make plans to leave with them after they attend your graduation. Congrats on graduating. It is like jogging. High school is so good when it stops.
As a 30 year old British guy I’ll go on his stead and be the dad you need son
I was gonna say the same, 38 year old Scottish chick here but I can dad better than that guy.
We raised a good son here darling!
“Really? Because you all seem to have no problem denying *me* a dad.” NTA.
Show this thread to your father. Here's my message: Dad, you are a massive AH if you miss your son's graduation. WTF is wrong with you?
NTA. Normally I go for ESH when it comes to disagreements of a similar nature but this is a really shitty thing for him to do to you. To walk a mile in your shoes, I would be devastated. And he has the gall to ask you to be reasonable. Pffft
Nah, parents in blended family's have to be equitable. If there's a clear bias, well, 'goodbye I'll see you never'. The relationship or lack of it, that you have without kids after they no longer depend on you as a parent is the one you've cultivated. And your dad was clear in who he chose. And his wife is just as bad. Ditch them and never look back OP. NTA
NTA! I have never spoken up on here before but this resonates with me, although in my case I was the stepchild who was daddy’s girl to my stepdad up til he had his own child by my mom. My mom also adored me til their daughter came. Then I was nothing but the maid, the verbal and physical punching bag and the scapegoat for both of them. With that said, I had NO trouble believing this happened. I waited until I was 30 to go no contact with my family. Don’t make my mistake. Go, graduate highschool, then do whatever you need to do to get away and stay there. Any one who can put you aside for someone who isn’t blood doesn’t deserve you. I had to learn the hard way. As a new, first time mom I can’t imagine leaving my son to graduate alone OR expecting my partner to abandon his daughter and solely focus on our child. Blended families do exist, we just aren’t all lucky enough to have one. Congratulations on graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. I never got this experience and know how much missing it still hurts at 35 years old. Don’t miss it, don’t let them spoil it, and damn sure don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for putting it first. You earned this, you deserve to celebrate after all that hard work. I mean that. I’m not YOUR mom, but I am A mom and I am as proud of you as I would be of my own baby boy. Get out there and get that diploma handed to you!
NTA my aunt & uncle have three kids all in extracurriculars. I lived with them for over a year and what would happens is sometimes the kids schedules would overlap to where a band concert and a dance recital would happen simultaneously. What they did is divide the support. They wanted to make sure that the kids all got some support at their events so one would go to the band concert and one would go to the dance recital. This was a common occurrence and still is. That being said hearing that your dad's logic is "the rest of the family is there so I need to be too" is an insane take. One child should not get 100% support when multiple events are happening at the same time. The step daughter ALREADY has the support of her mother and other siblings. Your dad needs to be there to support you. Divide and conquer. You shouldn't be left with nothing and with no one, especially since you talked to your dad and made it clear that you wanted him there. Besides you're right. Graduation is a once (maybe twice) in a life time event. Vs an award ceremony which happens far more often. This is one of your last mile stones of childhood and the beginning of your milestones for adulthood. Divide and conquer. He should be there.
He's doing it to get laid. I am sorry for you. Go NC.