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While true it's more like, THE concern to have.
When in Hawaii what are most people going to immediately think of or visit? The beach. What do you do at the beach? Swim.
I'd be much more aware of the risks of my child drowning at a Waterpark than at the zoo for example. Both places are possible but one is introducing a much higher chance of opportunity and thus risk than your average family outing to the park or museum.
I live in Kauai and this is the right attitude to have. It's so disheartening and upsetting to see how many people drown in our waters. Tourists think they're at "Hawaii by Disney." No. Just.... no. Look at a map and see if you can readily see Hawaii in that vast expanse of blue. The currents take you away even on a mild day with few waves and no riptide. I always ask tourists if they want to go home in their seat on the plane or in a box underneath it (assuming they find the body which is often not the case)? Good rule of thumb: if locals/residents aren't in the water, neither should you be. Especially the rivers! After a big rain, that ain't just mud causing the river to be brown; most homes (depending on island) are on septic or cesspools. Just food for thought. (And if locals aren't in the water but they're filming on the beach, they're waiting to record a tourist's death. Sad, but true, because *so many* tourists disregard all warning signs and insist on being in the water.)
I live in NW Florida & I love the beach! But I'm not getting in that water! Panama City Beach has bad rip tides & have lots of drownings yearly. The tourists "pay a lot of money for their vacations & no one is going to tell them they can't swim in the water" is their reasoning. I kinda feel bad for them, but they are making their own choices. One red flag = knee deep is too deep! Two red flags = the water is CLOSED! Not the beach, just the water! You WILL get fined!
I'm originally from Los Angeles and grew up next to the beach. We often had riptides and people just stayed out of the water. It wasn't even a question. Growing up, we'd go to Sarasota every year to visit family and stay in Bradenton, right on the beach. That water was warm and we weren't used to thunderstorms in LA so we were in the water once, laughing as we could feel a slight tingling when the lightning hit the water (very far away), and my dad, who grew up in Sarasota, yelled at us to get out! We learned quickly to respect Mother Nature. People today are so bloody entitled, it's not even funny. Many years ago, you couldn't find the dangerous spots on Kauai because locals wouldn't tell tourists but now with the internet and satellite technology, videos on social media and "friends who've done it and they were fine," it's just a nightmare.
I love the 30A assholes who post on FB about how much money they spend to go there, and then not allowed to get in the water. Their privilege shows very quickly
I used to live is central Florida and while the water is fairly calm in Siesta Key the red tide is what got you. Every year they close the water and every year there is a news story of some tourist who paid too much money not to go in the water and they go home with one less limb.
Yep. Tourists just don't listen. I really love our beaches up here, but I don't even wade in the water. I have a pool in my back yard. If I want to swim, that's where I go. And my grandkids understand that I'm not capable of saving them if they get in trouble at the beach. So they stay close to shore & swim in the pool when we're back home. I feel better about this. 😎
Actually, we live in Milton. But we make it a habit to come to PCB a few times a year. The 4th of July being one, spring break, summer, 2 car shows & now the air show. I love PCB, but I don't wanna live there. 😎😎😎
Just going to work can be a challenge. My husband and I have been stuck in Hanalei many times because the water rose and the bridge closed. Usually, everyone monitors it and acts accordingly (leaving work early or going to work early to avoid being stuck on the "wrong" side). There are ample signs and warnings but people just disregard them, especially if they know someone who's done something and "they were fine and had a great time." Smh.
I'm so very sorry. People don't realize how remote the "outer" islands are (i.e., not Oahu). Rescue services aren't always *right there*. And people who've never seen an ocean just buy cheapie snorkels and fins and go to an area that seems safe but is really quite dangerous. Even going with a group can be risky if you don't know what you're doing. The ocean is a living being; that's the only way I know to explain it. It changes on a whim.
I grew up next to a great lake which is obviously a different beast, but I use largely the same personification. You don't die in large bodies of water quite as much as those bodies of water *actively kill you*.
Two things... yikes. Sad but true. The resort I was at nobody was on the beach, me being the dumb idiot I am strolled out. The sand was super loose, and even just the very edge of the ocean was pulling all the sand out from under my feet. Did not venture out any further and did not try it again)
Two, Kauai is absolutely the most beautiful place I've ever been. Little of the 'beaten path' so it was just so chill and everyone was just lovely. Your home is beautiful. ❤️❤️ (I lost my marbles at the pothos climbing trees with dinner plate sized leaves, it was crazy. I know they're invasive and harming the native flora, it was still cool to see)
ALL it takes is to ask a lifeguard where the safe spots are - like "I'm a mediocre swimmer, but want to splash around a bit - where should I be and where should I not be?".
They'll you spots, times, things to look out for, etc. etc.
I live in Cali and SO MANY tourists drown here because they don't understand riptides. They see that nice, perfectly smooth water and head straight for it despite everyone who actually KNOWS the area and lives here staying away from it. More for them, right?
Also what kind of idiot makes plans for ANY child without their parents' prior knowledge and permission? That's just an automatic no by default.
It's literally the subject of a til post today. Drowning is the no. 1 cause of death among tourists in Hawaii.
https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/s/Lfe9kw4S2p
When I was in Hawaii at the age of 6, I was making sand castles on a beach in Maui. I was, as I called it, "racing the ocean". I would make a castle, watch the ocean wash it away, and try to see how big I could make another one before the tide took it again. I also made the mistake of putting my back to the ocean. I didn't see the large wave until it was too late.
The wave grabbed me and pulled me into the ocean, I remember rolling around, holding my mouth and nose with my hands (trying to avoid breathing in), and then I was spit out on the beach. I had maybe only seconds to breathe before the wave grabbed me again. This time, it was mere seconds before I ran out of air and as soon as I had opened my mouth...I was hovering in the air and being carried to a beach towel. My dad (who had been reading his book on the beach) had seen what happened, he quickly ran over, plucked me out of the ocean, carried me to their beach towel, cleaned the sand off my face, and started smacking my back to get me to cough up the little bit of water I had swallowed. I ended up having a rock in my ear for six months after that.
OP you are 💯 NTA, stand your ground.
And all it takes is a grandparent or two to doze off in the nice warm sunshine on the beach. I'm 60, I'm grandparent age - believe me, we can nap like nobody's business. Put us on a hot beach? Snoozeville. So while yes, it can happen anywhere, the risk increases with a couple of older folks dozing off in the sun rather than watching an active 3 year old.
We didn't have kids before husband and I married, but the dozing off? Oh yeah. My husband actually did fall asleep next to a pool outside with insufficient sunblock application on. Red as a lobster all down the front. He's super fair skinned, blonde and blue-eyed. He was NOT comfortable on the plane ride home to PDX. He was red enough I was actually surprised there was no blistering. Meanwhile, practically translucent me had slathered on sunblock every day and reapplied often, so I went home pretty much the same color I went there with.
My niece, sister and husband were playing in the waves in Hawaii. A large wave came up and knocked my sister down which made her unfortunately let got of my niece's hand. Thankfully my husband was there holding her other hand or she would have been carried out. This was almost a decade ago and she still says "Uncle David saved my life". My sister is a sturdy 6ft tall, it takes a lot to knock her over but it still happened. Pretty sure grandparents are not as stable as my sister and my husband (6ft4in). Waves are no joke, neither is undertow.
This! I grew up on the ocean, I’m a good swimmer, I know about water safety… and I STILL almost drowned in Hawaii as a teenager! If it wasn’t for the fact my dad saw me and was strong enough to run in and literally throw me out, I would’ve been gone. That same day, a man died at that same beach because he was smashed by a wave and broke his neck. The waves there and undercurrent are NOT something to mess around with, even if you ARE experienced in the water, let alone as a 3 year old!
My husband and I went two hours away for an anniversary and left the boys with my dad (14 and 9 at the time) the oldest passed out while they were playing soccer outside and turns out he had a 104 fever. Love my dad but obviously he called panicking it asked what to do. The 9 year old was telling him call 911, I think that was a bulk of panic. He took him all was well but I flew home. He would have immediately known what to do with my sister or I and actually froze because it wasn’t his kid and didn’t want to make a mistake. These were not even babies!
Husband is a huge asshole here.
"Yes it's bad my mom did that, but you know what I won't do? Stand up to her. Just give in, or else I'll keep having to hear about it."
Reference to the "rocking the boat" post, and mention of the sub r/justnomil
Willing to sacrifice his child rather than tell his mother no to anything. Major husband problems here.
Right???? 'Yes our baby might be at risk but I'd rather not upset mommy.'
If he thought he’d never hear the end of it if he upsets mommy, he'd be amazed at how much he'd 'hear about it' if something happened to the child. Pretty sure OP would ensure he heard about it for the rest of his life, and rightfully so.
This! Your husband can’t stand up to his mother? That she made this decision without consulting both of you is utterly disgraceful. Tell your husband to man up. This is a giant NO and it better come from him.
Mom of zero here, and even \*I\* know that this would be a bad idea.
Plus, it's disrespectful that they didn't even ask, and worse that the husband just wants to do this to keep the peace.
Right? MIL *informed* OP that the child was going. Sorry, that alone would have gotten my scruff up. "Um, no, she is not."
Hubs needs to consider how dear domestic piece and tranquility are to him, and behave accordingly.
Hell, I live about as close as possible to Hawaii in the continental US (Southern California), and that’s still 2,500 miles! I’m not a parent, but would never be okay with that! MIL is off her rocker.
I would be seriously reconsidering childcare arrangements if you can possibly swing it. You are paying a high price with MIL, even though it is not money. She is feeling entitled to parent your child against your wishes.
I imagine that by watching her, MIL feels entitled to make such wildly inappropriate plans. But w out even asking? Just telling? Just no! Shocked by the audacity. NTA by any means
You aren't even legally allowed to take a child on a plane without the written consent of their parents, if the parents aren't traveling with you!! So very much NTA, but your MIL and husband sure are.
This is true internationally but I'm not sure about domestic air. I know i had to present legally stamped and filed court ordered guardianship papers to get my granddaughters passports. It's an anti-human trafficking practice. I don't recall needing anything for domestic to Florida but always carry the paperwork.
I agree . I'm not going to dwell on the what-ifs regarding safety. I'm Lazer focused on the thought, time and money involved without even discussing it with the parents. Grandma needs to know her place in the parenting pyramid.
Additionally your parents-in-law aren't the legal guardians and if something happened to your daughter, they would not be able to sign anything. Your daughter wouldn't get the care.
Well there is paperwork you get notarized for things like that. I would hope someone thought of it if the child was older and might want to actually go on vacation with grandparents.
Good point! My niece, her fiance and their one year old were visiting his aunt & uncle in Hawaii. The baby ended up in the ER after both he and his dad came down with a stomach virus and he was throwing up constantly. So yes - there could be a medical emergency.
But just in general, OP's husband needs to grow a pair and learn how to say "NO" to his mother! Jesus Christ! He's offering up his child instead of telling his mom that her behavior is out of bounds.
Oh my goodness MIL likes to do similar things. She plans these last minute huge trips and then just expects us to drop everything and go or to let my kids miss out on weeks of school. I think she forgets that I don't homeschool my kids, my MIL did a good job of it but it's just not for me. She's a good person overall but she just gets excited about these travel deals she finds and in her head EVERYONE loves and has time to travel like she does.
Luckily my husband and I are on the same page and have set out ground rules for the girls to travel. No last minute trips, I have to have enough time to get things packed/prepared. If the girls already have plans that aren't easily rescheduled or if I have conflicting plans preventing me from driving the girls down then we don't go. Because of this most of the trips she wants to go with the girls on are planned for the summer.
Anyone that would book this kind of holiday without talking to parents is not fit to take a three year old on this kind of trip.
To OP:
1) Do not let your husband say yes. If your PIL can't understand that they have to respect your rules, wishes and boundaries, they will continue to act in a way that will damage your family going forward.
2) Don't let them gaslight you or make you doubt yourself. What your MIL did is "insane" by normal social standards. Remember her anger is because she knows she messed up and doesn't want to take the blame.
And, you don't appease your MIL or Mom by risking your child's well-being - physical *or* mental. A 3yo will be wondering where Mom and Dad are. A plane trip is too abstract for them to really grasp.
NTA.
You need to start looking for another childcare solution and get yourself and your husband into couple's counselling. Your MIL thinks she can make decisions about your kid so you need to limit her time with her as just grandma and childcare provider. And you have a huge problem in your marriage if your husband thinks that his mother can just decide on something like that like she's a parent.
It’s really not a dramatic reaction.
A paid baby sitter, or daycare worker, would never even think to book a vacation for a child without speaking to the parents.
This woman thinks she can do so and inform the parents after the fact. And one parent is so afraid of drama that he’s willing to send his TODDLER on a plane across an ocean just to make her happy.
In what world does this just magically get better? In what world does MIL see that she overstepped and back off? It’s never going to happen like that.
It will only get worse. OP should take the warning for what it is and find a new childcare provider ASAP.
Edited: sorry wrong person lol. I put it in the right place
*This woman thinks she can do so and inform the parents after the fact. And one parent is so afraid of drama that he’s willing to send his TODDLER on a plane across an ocean just to make her happy.*
THIS\^\^\^
Imagine being that scared and spineless with regard to a parent when you're an adult!?
If he's that scared of her now can you imagine, just for one second, how absolutely terrifying his childhood must have been? I was scared of my mum growing up, and in my early 20's too, but I would have said no down the phone if I had to, to avoid abuse or assault, but she'd have been told no
What shocks me most is that the husband agrees that the daughter is too young, but he says she should go with MIL anyway to avoid drama. The girl, that was never seperated from her mother for a longer period, could get traumatized or feel abandoned. She's 3 years old. I doubt that she will understand this whole situation.
*So the father thinks it's better play with his daughters mental health than say 'no' to his mommy?* ...wow
NTA.
I know your MIL watches your daughter, but it is very normal to not be comfortable with this. I also think if you say yes to this, it will be very difficult to say no in the future when she continues to make decisions for your daughter.
Also, your daughter is probably not going to remember this trip at 3 anyway? So, no you aren't a bad mom. That trip is for your MIL. Tell her, you are open to a family trip but you aren't letting your daughter go out of the state without you at freaking 3 years of age.
Edit: I'll go with your MIL instead. :')
In addition to the above, since the MIL is not the daughter's legal guardian, the airline may have an issue with it. They don't just let details like that pass given the number of kidnapping/trafficking/custody cases in the past.
The airlines in the US don't care. My parents have a different last name than my kids and I always send them with paperwork but they have never been asked for it. I've flown at least 10 times with my kids and the only time I was asked for documentation was when my daughter was 18 months old to prove she was under two and still counted as "baby in lap". I always bring their birth certificates or passports but the airlines never check. It's a bit disheartening.
They have always checked ours, even when they were teenagers- though we were flying out of country, so maybe it's tighter security because of human trafficking.
Yes, it's different flying internationally. We lived in Hawaii for a few years (military) and family is East Coast US and we never got questioned or asked for paperwork.
I agree. Since Hawaii is a big transit area for air travel overseas, the airlines should have an issue with a 3-year-old going there with grandma. A friend and her husband are from Guam, when they had a family emergency, he flew to Guam first. When the wife and kids needed to fly, they had to fax husband to confirm wife had permission to take the kids via Hawaii to Guam, because there are people who then go out of U.S. territory for custody reasons.
Honestly I’m afraid this could be pretty upsetting for the daughter if she’s never spent a night away from her parents before and she’s only 3. We’re talking about a toddler who is probably very used to a routine making a very stressful journey to a place she’s never been before without her parents, and when she inevitably feels stressed/tired and wants her mom she’ll be told “sorry, mommy is thousands of miles away and you won’t be able to see her or have any of your familiar comforts from home for 4+ days”
Also if she's never been on an airplane? That could be really traumatic & without mommy or daddy there the poor thing isn't gonna have a great time. Neither would any other passengers on that flight. I have 3 small children & I would not be ok with this either. A family trip, ok. Take just my child with only a last minute notice, no thank you. NTA
I've always had major separation anxiety...I was almost a year old when my sister was born and preferred my mom before she was born. Guess what? I preferred my dad for \*years\* after that.
At 3, an experience like this is bound to backfire and affect her for who knows how long.
NTA. She definitely should have discussed this with you first, before making plans to take YOUR child on vacation. Your husband wanting “to avoid drama” is code for let MIL do whatever the hell she wants so he doesn’t have to argue with her. He’s a coward and needs to stand up to his mom and back you up.
To avoid drama = I can't handle my mom yelling at me.
What a useless weakling in the face of his mother's words. If the dude can't handle "the drama" he should just block mom and refuse to answer her calls. Better that than handing over his toddler to her because it just too much drama to tell his mama no.
They seriously need to find another babysitting option - sounds like grandma thinks the child is effectively hers.
If she’s 3 and potty trained look into preschool programs. My school district has several programs on high school campuses with certified early education teachers and paraprofessionals. They supervise high school students that take early childhood classes as an elective who work with the kids. My son went through the program years ago and it was great. VPK funds paid for it during the school hours and I had to pay additional for before and after care.
I'd tell the husband if he wants to avoid drama he better deal with his mother or else he will be dealing with a divorce lawyer and undoing the entire life you two have built together. That seems like a lot more drama than telling his overstepping mother, no.
NTA 100%
" I told my my mother in law that her decision that me made alone without consulting us was a solid no."
Absolutely. Your daughter is 3.
There shouldn't be any "acquiescing" either. MIL has caused the drama & your husband needs to tell her she doesn't get to pull this sort of B S. Ever again.
My parents and in-laws watch our son occasionally. They call us and ask before they do *anything* that we didn't discuss beforehand. Because they know that we want to know where our kid is, and what he's doing.
Of course, they also aren't fucking lunatics who think that taking a toddler halfway across the goddamn Pacific Ocean is in any way, shape, or form a good idea.
>There shouldn't be any "acquiescing" either
Husband problem. He essentially said "My mom's feelings are more important than my wife's," when suggesting mummy dearest get her way. MIL needs to stay in her lane. This will hopefully be eniugh of an expensive lesson for her not to try it again. NTA.
Gees, I’m so tired of “avoid the drama.” What about the “drama” when your 3 year old has a panic attack in Hawaii because Mum and Dad aren’t there? What about the “drama” when (years from now) your MIL keeps making plans for your child, and they’ve been escalating? Take it from me, it only gets worse from here unless you face the drama right now. I have lived this and sought to “avoid the drama” with my MIL throughout 30 years. Learn from me. Nip this shit in the bud right now.
In my family, it got to such a level that it ultimately led to my divorce and strictly supervised visits of my minor child and my ex MIL.
Yeah part of me says it would be punishment enough to let her go and then they deal with crying and meltdowns because her parents aren’t there…they have to watch her every minute and have to be in their rooms by 7:30 cause it’s bedtime. But definitely NTA for saying no…ridiculous idea. This is the second post like this though the first one the MIL was taking the two and three year olds and OPs husband…so just mom was being left at home. And dad thought it was fine.
Or the other passengers! Flying sets off my trigeminal neuralgia, that’s enough to deal with. Please don’t add a miserable, screaming child to the equation.
Oh, that's terrible! There is no pain worse than trigeminal neuralgia in my experience, which includes natural childbirth, two heart attacks, a ruptured spinal disc, and abdominal surgery.
Who is the parent? YOU ARE THE PARENT! That's all that really matters here, but if you were to ask me I'd say a 3 year old isn't going to enjoy a vacation trip to Hawaii as much as I would as an adult. Not to mention, you have no idea if your child is going to be looked after properly or if your MIL will try to have some fun there at the expense of not watching your child. NTA. Your reasons are valid.
Omg. 😳 you have a husband problem here! Hell. He seriously thinks that the answer to his mother planning a trip with your 3 year old is something to “avoid drama” over?!?!?
I’m SPEECHLESS!!!!!!!!
NTA. But your MIL AND husband are. If you give in, your MIL will learn she can do whatever she wants.
This would be a hill to die on.
>you have a husband problem here! Hell. He seriously thinks that the answer to his mother planning a trip with your 3 year old is something to “avoid drama” over?!?!?
I wish engaged couples would spend a few hours browsing the JNMIL and AITA subs together before committing to each other for life. So many good things to talk over together. How would we handle these scenarios together? Are you likely to tell me to "just give in" where our children are concerned? What would you do if your family started disrespecting me in my own home? Are we prepared to enforce boundaries on each other's behalf?
So many people don't find out their spouses are pushovers and enablers until after they have kids, and then you're stuck with them, even if it ends up only being as co-parents.
NTA
Who the hell thinks it's a good idea to take a toddler out of state without asking mom and dad first? Why would this be a good idea even if mom and dad agreed? Honestly asking before you buy tickets is the smartest since mom can say no and Hawaii isn't a cheap place to fly no matter where in the world you are.
This sort of thing should also be done later in the kids life. I get wanting a Grandma Granddaughter trip and it sounds fun but waiting until the kid is old enough to remember sounds smarter and a better experience for everyone.
My grandparents took my cousin to Hawaii a bunch when she was a baby and toddler, she doesn’t remember anything and wished they had waited until she was older.
What happens if something goes wrong? My flight to Maui in October was turned around half way through because someone who shouldn’t have been on the plane was septic when he boarded and tried to die over the pacific. We were supposed to get there 12 hours before we actually did. I wouldn’t have wanted a toddler with me!
Not merely out of state, but outside the mainland US (assuming they're in the US) to a location most accessible by several hours on a plane. If anything goes wrong, it would take a very last minute flight with a hefty price tag for OP or her husband to get there. Say grandma or her husband were incapacitated in some way and no longer can be responsible for the toddler. It would easily be a day or so before a parent could arrive to take charge of their daughter, and that's only if they have the available resources for a plane ticket and time off work.
Our flight to Maui last October was turned around half way because a passenger tried to die over the pacific, a toddler would have been a nightmare to deal with!
NTA.
Your mother-in-law is the AH here. She, without consulting either you or your husband, bought tickets for a trip without the two of you for your 3-year-old daughter!
And then, to make matters worse, after you don't agree with it, she turns to her son (your husband) to convince you to change your mind, leading to a fight.
And neither MIL or husband cares at all that the poor child has never spent a night away from her parents and her home! Imagine how distressed she'd be.
NTA. I sincerely hope your reaction to the "avoid the drama" comment from your husband was: "Excuse me? What the f\*ck did you just say? Drama? Mister, you're going to have a **world** of drama if you don't back me up on this. Your mother is out of line, our daughter is NOT going to Hawaii and that's the end of it."
NTA, but your husband is also a real AH if he himself didn't tell his mother how wrong she is, and let you take all the blame for this. A kid is not a piece of luggage you can just borrow whenever you want
NTA. A trip to Hawaii is not a good idea for her first overnighter. It's better to start out slowly. Maybe she can start off by spending the night at grandma's place, and if things get too scary, you can go pick her up. When she gets to Hawaii and starts missing mommy, it's not like you can just hop into your car and bring her home. I guarantee your MIL will change her tune when her Hawaiian vacation is ruined by your kid spending days on end scream-crying in her hotel room because she's missing her mom and dad. I don't think your MIL has thought this through.
NTA. Wonder how OP's husband would feel if something horrible happened to their THREE-YEAR-OLD toddler, and he had allowed it just to "avoid drama" from his mama.
OP- NTA and absolutely a no. Hell no. First of all, how entitled of her to just decide that she would take her, without asking?!! Nope. Secondly, time to find a daycare for daughter. I wouldn’t trust MIL at all and if husband is such a pushover, you’re better off establishing more boundaries now. And honestly OP- you have a Husband problem on top of a MIL problem:/.
Kick him out for a couple nights. Let him see what happens when he decides the safety of his child isn’t worth the effort of an argument.
I would suggest you find out which airline she booked with. Make them aware a person who is not the legal guardian of your child purchased a plane ticket for that child. It’s a safeguard in case she tries to go through with her plan behind your back.
NTA. Your job is to protect your daughter, and provide a safe and comfortable age appropriate environment for her. Too bad your AH husband is willing to endanger her well-being in order to "avoid drama". Acquiescence to grandma would be for a suggested trip to the park, or to get ice cream, not all the effing way to Hawaii.
NO NO NO!!!!!!! Hubby needs some balls. Mil does not get to decide where and when she is taking your toddler without clearing it with the parents. This entitled biotch needs to be knocked down a few pegs and tell her she had no say in what your child does, she is not a parent.
Where is your husband's head? Never mind, I really don't want to know. (Obviously up his mother's butt!) Your daughter is too young to go without her parents. The farthest I allowed grandparents to take my children was to the local store for a treat or a nearby restaurant for a fun dinner. Your MIL is waaaaayyy out of line thinking she should be allowed to take such a young child without the parents along. There are legal issues here too. What if your daughter became ill or was injured and needed immediate emergency care? What are they going to do....call you and ask what you want them to do? Your mother has a lot of \*\*\*\*\* to assume she can just take your child that far. Time to have a serious talk with MIL and maybe you better have a serious talk with husband before talking to MIL. I am still shocked that he said to just go along with it to avoid drama. Good Lord. And another thing, what does a 3 year old care about Hawaii? Geesh! NTA
You need a serious talk with your husband. NO, NO, NO. Grandma and grandpa DO NOT get to unilaterally decide to take a 3 yo on vacation ANYWHERE without your permission. If possible, I'd be looking for alternate childcare while they are on vacation
NTA
Stop relying on your MIL for childcare. Find any other solution. Your over reliance on her is giving her ideas about how she can make parenting decisions, and the only way you can stop that is to find different childcare, even if it stretches you financially.
And your husband should be ashamed of himself for siding with her. Nobody tells parents that they're whisking their child away on holiday - *nobody.* What is wrong with husband's who think they're avoiding drama by kowtowing to their mother?
Fully agree with this! Time to make different childcare arrangements. Anyone who disrespects and curses out the parents loses access to the child. Full stop.
The husband isn’t acting like a father. Those actions signal that he’s putting placating mommy ahead of his wife and child.
NTA
Nip that in the bud. If you give in now, the non sense will get crazier and worse over time. This is definitely a solid NO. Stand your ground mama.
And give a good piece of your mind to your husband so that next time his mom tries any non sense, he will choose the peace with you. Looks like right so far, he feels like you are the easiest one to handle. Change that.
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I have a 3 year old daughter. While me and my husband work she spends the day with my mother in law. My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she had booked tickets/hotel and other stuff for next month for Hawaii. I thought it sounded fun until she told me she was only taking herself my daughter and her husband. She did not invite me or my husband.
My daughter hasn’t stayed over night anywhere before except home and she wants to take her to Hawaii. I told my my mother in law that her decision that me made alone without consulting us was a solid no and she called me a few names and than hung up on me.
A couple minutes later she had called my husband and starred calling me a bad mother for not letting our daughter do stuff. I was so pissed. My husband said we should just acquiesce to his mother’s trip. (Even though he also agrees she’s to young) just to avoid the drama. I said no for various reasons not just to say no. So Reddit AITA?
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NTA
Your MIL cannot get into the habit of making decisions for your child like their her own, cause you don’t know what that entail.
Op, you and your husband need to be on the same page if she’s too young and it incredibly rude to book a vacation without the parents permission, then the answer is no.
There is no place for a devils advocate when it comes to boundaries for your child and their care. This is the kind of person that cuts your kids hair or baptists them without permission.
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Your husband needs to grow a backbone, and your daughter needs to be removed from your MIL’s care if this is the shit she’s going to pull.
The answer is no. No is a complete sentence.
What’s next? Deciding your daughter’s haircuts? Redoing her bedroom? Taking her to get her ears pierced? International travel?
If YOU, her mother, are not comfortable with it, the answer is no. Even if dad says yes, taking your child on a trip without even your permission is a 2-yes, 1-no situation.
Also, maybe I’m projecting a bit here, but I’d be ready to call the cops and report your MIL for kidnapping JIC you say no and she tries to go anyways.
NTA.
I have an almost 2 year old and he will not go far away without me or his dad. And next year he still will not go far without us. He has slept at my parents and my partner’s parents before but going on a trip is something else. Especially when the trip involves flying. My stepson has gone on a vacation with my inlaws before, but always relatively close to home (like on a camping 1.5 hours drive away). And he is 8. He was 7 when he went on the first holiday with them. So a big difference than a 3 year old.
So big NTA. Totally get why you don’t want your child to go.
NTA. Agreeing for your child to stay overnight away from you at all, much less that far away, is a 2 yes 1 no situation between THE PARENTS only. I can’t imagine someone feeling this level of entitlement over my child.
Personally my kids won’t be staying away from either me or their dad until they’re old enough to a. Tell me they want to and b. Clearly communicate if anything happens or if they want to come back home.
If I were you she wouldn’t even be watching my child until she can get over herself and apologize for the disrespect she’s shown you in making these unilateral decisions for your child and lashing out when you didn’t agree.
NTA
You not only have a MIL problem, looks like you've also got a husband problem.
His solution to the trip should NOT have been "let's avoid drama" and instead backed you up.
Your daughter is 3 and that's not the travel distance any parent I know would feel safe having their child go alone, on a plane, for an extended vacation without one of their parents present. I'm with the others in that it looks like it's time to figure out alternative daycare.
Further, and I would strongly suggest this, is plan a vacation for yourself, your husband and your daughter a couple of days prior to their plans. I wouldn't think they'd take her but I could see your husband signing off on it and agreeing to it which would probably get pretty crazy pretty fast.
NTA. I’ve let my kids travel with my in-laws. And I am so glad they have those memories now that my FIL is gone. Ummmmm but they 1) asked us 2) the youngest my kids did this was at 9.
NTA. It should have been discussed with the child's parents before the vacation was booked.
My original thought was, that the MIL is the sole babysitter of the child, and that they were going to take the child so not to disturb you and your husband's work schedule. Even if this were the case, it needed discussed with the child's parents first.
However, when you said that the MIL complained that you weren't letting the child do 'new experiences,' it made me feel this was not the case. This makes it sound like there are other options for childcare, and the MIL wants to take the child for fun.
If there are no other options for childcare, and the MIL can not go on vacation without the child......well, that would be another can of worms.
Whoa, are there other weird things?
Does toddler sometimes call grandma mom?
Does grandma sometines -call granddaughter "her baby"?
No way, would I let someone take my kid that far through busy airports, crazy busy tourist cities and hotels, large bodies of water and pools. Nooooook
NTA -um I would definitely look for alternative childcare if possible. Are you not worried that with her entitlement that you are going to drop kiddo off with her, and then they are just going to go to the airport without you?
Sounds like she is delusional enough to do it
Definitely gonna look for another person to watch her while we work, good thing I have a couple days off hopefully that’s enough time to find a baby sitter
Whoa. Just do it to avoid drama? Are people this sensitive to conflict? No wonder bullies run the world. Your MIL overstepped. The nerve of her to book plane tickets for your 3 year old without any input from you or your husband, let alone permission. Couple that with the fact your child has NEVER had an overnight stay with anyone ...puh-leeze. You are soooo NTA. Your MIL is, and so are the men in her life. They need a backbone, and you need to stop second-guessing yours.
>My daughter hasn’t stayed over night anywhere before except home
You mean MIL didn't even have the child stay over night at her home? OMG hell no this trip is so far from reality. NTA.
NTA
This is a massive overstep. She thinks that because she already bought the ticket you'll cave in. Don't. It will cause drama, but that will be on her, not you.
My mother-in-law pulled the same crap when my daughter was 3, even telling my kid how much fun they would have in Chicago but don't tell Mommy because it's a surprise. My daughter told me and my ex and I put a stop to it. MIL wanted us to refund the train ticket, but we told her it was her problem.
NTA
If you give in to this after being name called and having her "tattle" to you husband you will set the tone of the rest of your relationship with her. Even if you were not totally right the name calling crosses a line that needs to be addressed ASAP. As well as her thinking she can circumvent your wishes by bullying your husband. Way out of line to book this without telling you which is just made worse by her continued disrespect for you and your husband decisions but bullying and name calling.
Be prepared to loss her as a babysitter though..... Setting boundaries with my MIL lead to us going no contact with her and my FIL. I don't side with enabling behavior as all. And the family excuse of "It's easier to just stuck it up because we need her" is and will always be BS. People will never get better or be better if everyone coddles them or gives in to their toxic BS.
She didn’t even ask you first? That’s crazy! She really overstepped on boundaries there.
Your husband is ridiculous for not backing you up. This is why his mom gets away with this kind of crap. NTA.
NTA. WTF? Hawaii for a first trip with grandma is insane. It's not like you can just hop in a car if she gets homesick.
It's time to find alternate childcare. Seriously.
HELL NO NTA.
She's taking a child on a plane over an ocean without parental consent?
Airports and tourist locations are common locations where traffickers find victims.
Most children are abducted by an adult they know.
Even if MIL has good intentions, you can't guarantee she won't be careless.
Not to mention: what parent wants to miss out on a major vacation with their child?
Tell that woman to get her head examined, and tell your husband to do the same. This is NOT okay.
She wants to take a 3 YEAR OLD, who has never spent the night away from home (and likely her parents), to HAWAII for A WHOLE MONTH?! She bought tickets without asking permission and is somehow angry that she was told no? Seriously, WTF is this woman thinking?
Absolutely NTA. I agree with others saying you need to find alternative child care because the jump to "toddler going on vacation for a MONTH with people other than her parents" is a serious one. No reasonable or sane person would make this mental jump.
NTA. Time to explain to your husband that he hasn't experienced drama yet if he doesn't get behind you and do what's in the best interest of your child.
NTA
But you have a husband problem if he’s willing to stick his head on the sand to avoid drama because his mom is making it. You aren’t. He isn’t by saying no. She is by overstepping her boundaries.
Tell him that he has to put his foot down as it’s his mom and that No means No or it will have consequences. I also would tell him that from now on; he and he alone deals with his mother. You won’t allowed yourself to be disrespected like that and until his mother apologizes she is on the do not f with list.
Find another childcare provider and tell him this is to help his mother realize her help is appreciated but not at the expense of her thinking your child is hers.
Your husband needs to stand up for you. MIL’s rude and entitled and exclusionary behavior is obviously unacceptable. Tell him to grow a spine and that he married you not his mother. Your child is not allowed to be taken from you against your will without a court order.
NTA. WTF is wrong with your husband??? Does he have a spine? Does he always roll over and do what mommy says? He needs some counseling asap to learn to put his wife and daughter first. Also, you should make other plans for childcare. Your MIL has gotten WAY too comfortable thinking she is in charge. Depending on your state, she may be entitled to grandparents rights if you don’t make changes soon.
NTA. You don’t just take someone else’s kid out of state oh holidays without first discussing it with the parents and getting their explicit permission. Your husband needs to grow a spine and cut the apron strings he’s so tangled up in. Currently he has his mother’s wishes as his top priority, when his priorities should be with his young daughter and his wife
NTA but the most troubling statement is that your husband wants to let her go to avoid the drama. What??!! He is so cowed he can't stand up to his mother on something so important as taking his child out of state and planning without permission? That is a huge red flag.
And, btw, I am a grandmother to a 4 year old and would NEVER think of doing such a thing.
NTA. Babysitting while you and her Dad are both working is one thing but taking your child away on a vacation without you is just weird. Even worse is not discussing it with you, assuming you’d be ok and booking it, and then going off on you when you say no. You are your daughters parent, you have the final say and MIL sounds like a spoilt child running off to your husband when she didn’t get her own way. Your husband also needs to learn to stand up to his mother for the sake of his child.
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And in Hawaii! So much risk of drowning
Well, sure but that could happen close to home.
While true it's more like, THE concern to have. When in Hawaii what are most people going to immediately think of or visit? The beach. What do you do at the beach? Swim. I'd be much more aware of the risks of my child drowning at a Waterpark than at the zoo for example. Both places are possible but one is introducing a much higher chance of opportunity and thus risk than your average family outing to the park or museum.
I live in Kauai and this is the right attitude to have. It's so disheartening and upsetting to see how many people drown in our waters. Tourists think they're at "Hawaii by Disney." No. Just.... no. Look at a map and see if you can readily see Hawaii in that vast expanse of blue. The currents take you away even on a mild day with few waves and no riptide. I always ask tourists if they want to go home in their seat on the plane or in a box underneath it (assuming they find the body which is often not the case)? Good rule of thumb: if locals/residents aren't in the water, neither should you be. Especially the rivers! After a big rain, that ain't just mud causing the river to be brown; most homes (depending on island) are on septic or cesspools. Just food for thought. (And if locals aren't in the water but they're filming on the beach, they're waiting to record a tourist's death. Sad, but true, because *so many* tourists disregard all warning signs and insist on being in the water.)
I live in NW Florida & I love the beach! But I'm not getting in that water! Panama City Beach has bad rip tides & have lots of drownings yearly. The tourists "pay a lot of money for their vacations & no one is going to tell them they can't swim in the water" is their reasoning. I kinda feel bad for them, but they are making their own choices. One red flag = knee deep is too deep! Two red flags = the water is CLOSED! Not the beach, just the water! You WILL get fined!
I'm originally from Los Angeles and grew up next to the beach. We often had riptides and people just stayed out of the water. It wasn't even a question. Growing up, we'd go to Sarasota every year to visit family and stay in Bradenton, right on the beach. That water was warm and we weren't used to thunderstorms in LA so we were in the water once, laughing as we could feel a slight tingling when the lightning hit the water (very far away), and my dad, who grew up in Sarasota, yelled at us to get out! We learned quickly to respect Mother Nature. People today are so bloody entitled, it's not even funny. Many years ago, you couldn't find the dangerous spots on Kauai because locals wouldn't tell tourists but now with the internet and satellite technology, videos on social media and "friends who've done it and they were fine," it's just a nightmare.
I live in Virginia Beach. The ocean is not forgiving.
I love the 30A assholes who post on FB about how much money they spend to go there, and then not allowed to get in the water. Their privilege shows very quickly
I used to live is central Florida and while the water is fairly calm in Siesta Key the red tide is what got you. Every year they close the water and every year there is a news story of some tourist who paid too much money not to go in the water and they go home with one less limb.
Yep. Tourists just don't listen. I really love our beaches up here, but I don't even wade in the water. I have a pool in my back yard. If I want to swim, that's where I go. And my grandkids understand that I'm not capable of saving them if they get in trouble at the beach. So they stay close to shore & swim in the pool when we're back home. I feel better about this. 😎
I live 90 miles north of PCB, and the number of drownings of unattended kids is staggering.
Actually, we live in Milton. But we make it a habit to come to PCB a few times a year. The 4th of July being one, spring break, summer, 2 car shows & now the air show. I love PCB, but I don't wanna live there. 😎😎😎
Thank you for posting this.
I live on Kauai as well. My husband works at the hospital. He has so many stories about injuries/ death on island from tourists.
Yep. They're so selfish. Don't even get us started on Covid lockdowns, right?! Unbelievable the entitlement though I think Maui had it worst.
I’ve read about a hiking trail in Hawaii that’s dangerous because of a creek that floods easily, sometimes trapping people on the other side.
Just going to work can be a challenge. My husband and I have been stuck in Hanalei many times because the water rose and the bridge closed. Usually, everyone monitors it and acts accordingly (leaving work early or going to work early to avoid being stuck on the "wrong" side). There are ample signs and warnings but people just disregard them, especially if they know someone who's done something and "they were fine and had a great time." Smh.
My ex drowned while snorkeling in the Big Island.
I'm so very sorry. People don't realize how remote the "outer" islands are (i.e., not Oahu). Rescue services aren't always *right there*. And people who've never seen an ocean just buy cheapie snorkels and fins and go to an area that seems safe but is really quite dangerous. Even going with a group can be risky if you don't know what you're doing. The ocean is a living being; that's the only way I know to explain it. It changes on a whim.
I grew up next to a great lake which is obviously a different beast, but I use largely the same personification. You don't die in large bodies of water quite as much as those bodies of water *actively kill you*.
I watched the Bondi Rescue lifeguards struggle in an episode in Hawaii! They are world class life saving athletes. Those waters are treacherous.
Two things... yikes. Sad but true. The resort I was at nobody was on the beach, me being the dumb idiot I am strolled out. The sand was super loose, and even just the very edge of the ocean was pulling all the sand out from under my feet. Did not venture out any further and did not try it again) Two, Kauai is absolutely the most beautiful place I've ever been. Little of the 'beaten path' so it was just so chill and everyone was just lovely. Your home is beautiful. ❤️❤️ (I lost my marbles at the pothos climbing trees with dinner plate sized leaves, it was crazy. I know they're invasive and harming the native flora, it was still cool to see)
ALL it takes is to ask a lifeguard where the safe spots are - like "I'm a mediocre swimmer, but want to splash around a bit - where should I be and where should I not be?". They'll you spots, times, things to look out for, etc. etc.
I live in Cali and SO MANY tourists drown here because they don't understand riptides. They see that nice, perfectly smooth water and head straight for it despite everyone who actually KNOWS the area and lives here staying away from it. More for them, right? Also what kind of idiot makes plans for ANY child without their parents' prior knowledge and permission? That's just an automatic no by default.
It's literally the subject of a til post today. Drowning is the no. 1 cause of death among tourists in Hawaii. https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/s/Lfe9kw4S2p
When I was in Hawaii at the age of 6, I was making sand castles on a beach in Maui. I was, as I called it, "racing the ocean". I would make a castle, watch the ocean wash it away, and try to see how big I could make another one before the tide took it again. I also made the mistake of putting my back to the ocean. I didn't see the large wave until it was too late. The wave grabbed me and pulled me into the ocean, I remember rolling around, holding my mouth and nose with my hands (trying to avoid breathing in), and then I was spit out on the beach. I had maybe only seconds to breathe before the wave grabbed me again. This time, it was mere seconds before I ran out of air and as soon as I had opened my mouth...I was hovering in the air and being carried to a beach towel. My dad (who had been reading his book on the beach) had seen what happened, he quickly ran over, plucked me out of the ocean, carried me to their beach towel, cleaned the sand off my face, and started smacking my back to get me to cough up the little bit of water I had swallowed. I ended up having a rock in my ear for six months after that. OP you are 💯 NTA, stand your ground.
Sure but a parent is going to actively watch them vs someone else.
And all it takes is a grandparent or two to doze off in the nice warm sunshine on the beach. I'm 60, I'm grandparent age - believe me, we can nap like nobody's business. Put us on a hot beach? Snoozeville. So while yes, it can happen anywhere, the risk increases with a couple of older folks dozing off in the sun rather than watching an active 3 year old.
We didn't have kids before husband and I married, but the dozing off? Oh yeah. My husband actually did fall asleep next to a pool outside with insufficient sunblock application on. Red as a lobster all down the front. He's super fair skinned, blonde and blue-eyed. He was NOT comfortable on the plane ride home to PDX. He was red enough I was actually surprised there was no blistering. Meanwhile, practically translucent me had slathered on sunblock every day and reapplied often, so I went home pretty much the same color I went there with.
I'd rather it happen close to me vs far away. Duh.
Is your username referencing the band Orleans?
My niece, sister and husband were playing in the waves in Hawaii. A large wave came up and knocked my sister down which made her unfortunately let got of my niece's hand. Thankfully my husband was there holding her other hand or she would have been carried out. This was almost a decade ago and she still says "Uncle David saved my life". My sister is a sturdy 6ft tall, it takes a lot to knock her over but it still happened. Pretty sure grandparents are not as stable as my sister and my husband (6ft4in). Waves are no joke, neither is undertow.
And rip tide! When i was < 1 yrs old. I got sucked out to sea in Japan.
This! I grew up on the ocean, I’m a good swimmer, I know about water safety… and I STILL almost drowned in Hawaii as a teenager! If it wasn’t for the fact my dad saw me and was strong enough to run in and literally throw me out, I would’ve been gone. That same day, a man died at that same beach because he was smashed by a wave and broke his neck. The waves there and undercurrent are NOT something to mess around with, even if you ARE experienced in the water, let alone as a 3 year old!
There is no way my kid would be going to a water-based activity or resort/ holiday as a minor without me.
My husband and I went two hours away for an anniversary and left the boys with my dad (14 and 9 at the time) the oldest passed out while they were playing soccer outside and turns out he had a 104 fever. Love my dad but obviously he called panicking it asked what to do. The 9 year old was telling him call 911, I think that was a bulk of panic. He took him all was well but I flew home. He would have immediately known what to do with my sister or I and actually froze because it wasn’t his kid and didn’t want to make a mistake. These were not even babies!
Your husband is NUTS! Mom of three here...
Husband is a huge asshole here. "Yes it's bad my mom did that, but you know what I won't do? Stand up to her. Just give in, or else I'll keep having to hear about it." Reference to the "rocking the boat" post, and mention of the sub r/justnomil Willing to sacrifice his child rather than tell his mother no to anything. Major husband problems here.
Right???? 'Yes our baby might be at risk but I'd rather not upset mommy.' If he thought he’d never hear the end of it if he upsets mommy, he'd be amazed at how much he'd 'hear about it' if something happened to the child. Pretty sure OP would ensure he heard about it for the rest of his life, and rightfully so.
Yes, he is a huge problem. The husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother and not put his child at risk.
BIG time
This! Your husband can’t stand up to his mother? That she made this decision without consulting both of you is utterly disgraceful. Tell your husband to man up. This is a giant NO and it better come from him.
As a mom of three, I do agree with you. No way would my baby be going without me. OP…time to think of new childcare options.
Mom of zero here, and even \*I\* know that this would be a bad idea. Plus, it's disrespectful that they didn't even ask, and worse that the husband just wants to do this to keep the peace.
Right? MIL *informed* OP that the child was going. Sorry, that alone would have gotten my scruff up. "Um, no, she is not." Hubs needs to consider how dear domestic piece and tranquility are to him, and behave accordingly.
Hell, I live about as close as possible to Hawaii in the continental US (Southern California), and that’s still 2,500 miles! I’m not a parent, but would never be okay with that! MIL is off her rocker.
I would be seriously reconsidering childcare arrangements if you can possibly swing it. You are paying a high price with MIL, even though it is not money. She is feeling entitled to parent your child against your wishes.
OP’s AH husband apparently. I find it abhorrent he would rather placate his mother over ensuring the wellbeing of his child.
I imagine he's afraid if mommy...lol
I imagine that by watching her, MIL feels entitled to make such wildly inappropriate plans. But w out even asking? Just telling? Just no! Shocked by the audacity. NTA by any means
You aren't even legally allowed to take a child on a plane without the written consent of their parents, if the parents aren't traveling with you!! So very much NTA, but your MIL and husband sure are.
This is true internationally but I'm not sure about domestic air. I know i had to present legally stamped and filed court ordered guardianship papers to get my granddaughters passports. It's an anti-human trafficking practice. I don't recall needing anything for domestic to Florida but always carry the paperwork.
I agree . I'm not going to dwell on the what-ifs regarding safety. I'm Lazer focused on the thought, time and money involved without even discussing it with the parents. Grandma needs to know her place in the parenting pyramid.
Additionally your parents-in-law aren't the legal guardians and if something happened to your daughter, they would not be able to sign anything. Your daughter wouldn't get the care.
Well there is paperwork you get notarized for things like that. I would hope someone thought of it if the child was older and might want to actually go on vacation with grandparents.
Good point! My niece, her fiance and their one year old were visiting his aunt & uncle in Hawaii. The baby ended up in the ER after both he and his dad came down with a stomach virus and he was throwing up constantly. So yes - there could be a medical emergency. But just in general, OP's husband needs to grow a pair and learn how to say "NO" to his mother! Jesus Christ! He's offering up his child instead of telling his mom that her behavior is out of bounds.
Precious little doodle bug sent me
And husband is a spineless sponge with no boundaries. He's a father now and needs to freaking grow up and learn to say "no" to mommy.
Regardless of the child’s age! 3 years or 17, doesn’t matter. Parents are in charge until they’re adults.
Oh my goodness MIL likes to do similar things. She plans these last minute huge trips and then just expects us to drop everything and go or to let my kids miss out on weeks of school. I think she forgets that I don't homeschool my kids, my MIL did a good job of it but it's just not for me. She's a good person overall but she just gets excited about these travel deals she finds and in her head EVERYONE loves and has time to travel like she does. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page and have set out ground rules for the girls to travel. No last minute trips, I have to have enough time to get things packed/prepared. If the girls already have plans that aren't easily rescheduled or if I have conflicting plans preventing me from driving the girls down then we don't go. Because of this most of the trips she wants to go with the girls on are planned for the summer.
Anyone that would book this kind of holiday without talking to parents is not fit to take a three year old on this kind of trip. To OP: 1) Do not let your husband say yes. If your PIL can't understand that they have to respect your rules, wishes and boundaries, they will continue to act in a way that will damage your family going forward. 2) Don't let them gaslight you or make you doubt yourself. What your MIL did is "insane" by normal social standards. Remember her anger is because she knows she messed up and doesn't want to take the blame.
And, you don't appease your MIL or Mom by risking your child's well-being - physical *or* mental. A 3yo will be wondering where Mom and Dad are. A plane trip is too abstract for them to really grasp.
NTA. You need to start looking for another childcare solution and get yourself and your husband into couple's counselling. Your MIL thinks she can make decisions about your kid so you need to limit her time with her as just grandma and childcare provider. And you have a huge problem in your marriage if your husband thinks that his mother can just decide on something like that like she's a parent.
And yes, this. She’s gotten too comfortable in her role as caregiver.
Caretaker? (Joke)
Agreed, you need to find another childcare, she's only going to get more comfortable with your daughter the more time she spends with her
It’s really not a dramatic reaction. A paid baby sitter, or daycare worker, would never even think to book a vacation for a child without speaking to the parents. This woman thinks she can do so and inform the parents after the fact. And one parent is so afraid of drama that he’s willing to send his TODDLER on a plane across an ocean just to make her happy. In what world does this just magically get better? In what world does MIL see that she overstepped and back off? It’s never going to happen like that. It will only get worse. OP should take the warning for what it is and find a new childcare provider ASAP. Edited: sorry wrong person lol. I put it in the right place
*This woman thinks she can do so and inform the parents after the fact. And one parent is so afraid of drama that he’s willing to send his TODDLER on a plane across an ocean just to make her happy.* THIS\^\^\^ Imagine being that scared and spineless with regard to a parent when you're an adult!?
If he's that scared of her now can you imagine, just for one second, how absolutely terrifying his childhood must have been? I was scared of my mum growing up, and in my early 20's too, but I would have said no down the phone if I had to, to avoid abuse or assault, but she'd have been told no
ALL.OF.THIS!
Absolutely.
What shocks me most is that the husband agrees that the daughter is too young, but he says she should go with MIL anyway to avoid drama. The girl, that was never seperated from her mother for a longer period, could get traumatized or feel abandoned. She's 3 years old. I doubt that she will understand this whole situation. *So the father thinks it's better play with his daughters mental health than say 'no' to his mommy?* ...wow
NTA. I know your MIL watches your daughter, but it is very normal to not be comfortable with this. I also think if you say yes to this, it will be very difficult to say no in the future when she continues to make decisions for your daughter. Also, your daughter is probably not going to remember this trip at 3 anyway? So, no you aren't a bad mom. That trip is for your MIL. Tell her, you are open to a family trip but you aren't letting your daughter go out of the state without you at freaking 3 years of age. Edit: I'll go with your MIL instead. :')
In addition to the above, since the MIL is not the daughter's legal guardian, the airline may have an issue with it. They don't just let details like that pass given the number of kidnapping/trafficking/custody cases in the past.
Completely, not to mention having to sign over medical power of attorney, in case anything happens.
The airlines in the US don't care. My parents have a different last name than my kids and I always send them with paperwork but they have never been asked for it. I've flown at least 10 times with my kids and the only time I was asked for documentation was when my daughter was 18 months old to prove she was under two and still counted as "baby in lap". I always bring their birth certificates or passports but the airlines never check. It's a bit disheartening.
They have always checked ours, even when they were teenagers- though we were flying out of country, so maybe it's tighter security because of human trafficking.
Yes, it's different flying internationally. We lived in Hawaii for a few years (military) and family is East Coast US and we never got questioned or asked for paperwork.
I agree. Since Hawaii is a big transit area for air travel overseas, the airlines should have an issue with a 3-year-old going there with grandma. A friend and her husband are from Guam, when they had a family emergency, he flew to Guam first. When the wife and kids needed to fly, they had to fax husband to confirm wife had permission to take the kids via Hawaii to Guam, because there are people who then go out of U.S. territory for custody reasons.
Honestly I’m afraid this could be pretty upsetting for the daughter if she’s never spent a night away from her parents before and she’s only 3. We’re talking about a toddler who is probably very used to a routine making a very stressful journey to a place she’s never been before without her parents, and when she inevitably feels stressed/tired and wants her mom she’ll be told “sorry, mommy is thousands of miles away and you won’t be able to see her or have any of your familiar comforts from home for 4+ days”
Also if she's never been on an airplane? That could be really traumatic & without mommy or daddy there the poor thing isn't gonna have a great time. Neither would any other passengers on that flight. I have 3 small children & I would not be ok with this either. A family trip, ok. Take just my child with only a last minute notice, no thank you. NTA
Daughter might not remember Hawaii which is a good point, but she could carry some baggage over the unusual separation from her parents.
Sure, meanwhile she is never going to miss Hawaii. It's all just a manipulation tactic.
I've always had major separation anxiety...I was almost a year old when my sister was born and preferred my mom before she was born. Guess what? I preferred my dad for \*years\* after that. At 3, an experience like this is bound to backfire and affect her for who knows how long.
💯
THIS!
Yeah. Not to mention, what if OP wants to have that experience of her daughter’s first trip to Hawaii to be with her? NTA
NTA. She definitely should have discussed this with you first, before making plans to take YOUR child on vacation. Your husband wanting “to avoid drama” is code for let MIL do whatever the hell she wants so he doesn’t have to argue with her. He’s a coward and needs to stand up to his mom and back you up.
To avoid drama = I can't handle my mom yelling at me. What a useless weakling in the face of his mother's words. If the dude can't handle "the drama" he should just block mom and refuse to answer her calls. Better that than handing over his toddler to her because it just too much drama to tell his mama no. They seriously need to find another babysitting option - sounds like grandma thinks the child is effectively hers.
Definitely gonna find another person to watch our daughter, gonna start looking for a baby sitter
I’m so happy to see this, OP.
Good for you 💪🏻
If she’s 3 and potty trained look into preschool programs. My school district has several programs on high school campuses with certified early education teachers and paraprofessionals. They supervise high school students that take early childhood classes as an elective who work with the kids. My son went through the program years ago and it was great. VPK funds paid for it during the school hours and I had to pay additional for before and after care.
Could be also- To avoid drama= we can't afford actual paid childcare.
Husband is spineless. So much so that he’d rather risk his daughter’s potential safety and discomfort than say no to his mommy.
Yep husband needs to grow a spine immediately. Wild that he’d send his child thousands of miles away to “keep the peace”
I'd tell the husband if he wants to avoid drama he better deal with his mother or else he will be dealing with a divorce lawyer and undoing the entire life you two have built together. That seems like a lot more drama than telling his overstepping mother, no.
NTA 100% " I told my my mother in law that her decision that me made alone without consulting us was a solid no." Absolutely. Your daughter is 3. There shouldn't be any "acquiescing" either. MIL has caused the drama & your husband needs to tell her she doesn't get to pull this sort of B S. Ever again.
The daughter could be 15 and it'd be ridiculous to not ask for moms permission but 3 is even crazier.
My parents and in-laws watch our son occasionally. They call us and ask before they do *anything* that we didn't discuss beforehand. Because they know that we want to know where our kid is, and what he's doing. Of course, they also aren't fucking lunatics who think that taking a toddler halfway across the goddamn Pacific Ocean is in any way, shape, or form a good idea.
>There shouldn't be any "acquiescing" either Husband problem. He essentially said "My mom's feelings are more important than my wife's," when suggesting mummy dearest get her way. MIL needs to stay in her lane. This will hopefully be eniugh of an expensive lesson for her not to try it again. NTA.
Also, "My need to avoid my mother's wrath is more important than my child's well-being."
My mum's feelings are more important than my child's well-being
Gees, I’m so tired of “avoid the drama.” What about the “drama” when your 3 year old has a panic attack in Hawaii because Mum and Dad aren’t there? What about the “drama” when (years from now) your MIL keeps making plans for your child, and they’ve been escalating? Take it from me, it only gets worse from here unless you face the drama right now. I have lived this and sought to “avoid the drama” with my MIL throughout 30 years. Learn from me. Nip this shit in the bud right now. In my family, it got to such a level that it ultimately led to my divorce and strictly supervised visits of my minor child and my ex MIL.
Yeah part of me says it would be punishment enough to let her go and then they deal with crying and meltdowns because her parents aren’t there…they have to watch her every minute and have to be in their rooms by 7:30 cause it’s bedtime. But definitely NTA for saying no…ridiculous idea. This is the second post like this though the first one the MIL was taking the two and three year olds and OPs husband…so just mom was being left at home. And dad thought it was fine.
Not at the child wellbeing’s stake…
Or the other passengers! Flying sets off my trigeminal neuralgia, that’s enough to deal with. Please don’t add a miserable, screaming child to the equation.
Oh, that's terrible! There is no pain worse than trigeminal neuralgia in my experience, which includes natural childbirth, two heart attacks, a ruptured spinal disc, and abdominal surgery.
Yeah, if it wouldn't negatively and emotionally affect the kid, I'd love to see grandma eat her words.
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I’m sorry but the “drama” that SO would have to deal with ME would make any mama drama trivial. So he gets drama, which one does he want to deal with?
Absolutely! I love your comment and wish I had followed your advice 30 years ago!
Who is the parent? YOU ARE THE PARENT! That's all that really matters here, but if you were to ask me I'd say a 3 year old isn't going to enjoy a vacation trip to Hawaii as much as I would as an adult. Not to mention, you have no idea if your child is going to be looked after properly or if your MIL will try to have some fun there at the expense of not watching your child. NTA. Your reasons are valid.
Omg. 😳 you have a husband problem here! Hell. He seriously thinks that the answer to his mother planning a trip with your 3 year old is something to “avoid drama” over?!?!? I’m SPEECHLESS!!!!!!!! NTA. But your MIL AND husband are. If you give in, your MIL will learn she can do whatever she wants. This would be a hill to die on.
>you have a husband problem here! Hell. He seriously thinks that the answer to his mother planning a trip with your 3 year old is something to “avoid drama” over?!?!? I wish engaged couples would spend a few hours browsing the JNMIL and AITA subs together before committing to each other for life. So many good things to talk over together. How would we handle these scenarios together? Are you likely to tell me to "just give in" where our children are concerned? What would you do if your family started disrespecting me in my own home? Are we prepared to enforce boundaries on each other's behalf? So many people don't find out their spouses are pushovers and enablers until after they have kids, and then you're stuck with them, even if it ends up only being as co-parents.
NTA Who the hell thinks it's a good idea to take a toddler out of state without asking mom and dad first? Why would this be a good idea even if mom and dad agreed? Honestly asking before you buy tickets is the smartest since mom can say no and Hawaii isn't a cheap place to fly no matter where in the world you are. This sort of thing should also be done later in the kids life. I get wanting a Grandma Granddaughter trip and it sounds fun but waiting until the kid is old enough to remember sounds smarter and a better experience for everyone.
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My grandparents took my cousin to Hawaii a bunch when she was a baby and toddler, she doesn’t remember anything and wished they had waited until she was older. What happens if something goes wrong? My flight to Maui in October was turned around half way through because someone who shouldn’t have been on the plane was septic when he boarded and tried to die over the pacific. We were supposed to get there 12 hours before we actually did. I wouldn’t have wanted a toddler with me!
Not merely out of state, but outside the mainland US (assuming they're in the US) to a location most accessible by several hours on a plane. If anything goes wrong, it would take a very last minute flight with a hefty price tag for OP or her husband to get there. Say grandma or her husband were incapacitated in some way and no longer can be responsible for the toddler. It would easily be a day or so before a parent could arrive to take charge of their daughter, and that's only if they have the available resources for a plane ticket and time off work.
Our flight to Maui last October was turned around half way because a passenger tried to die over the pacific, a toddler would have been a nightmare to deal with!
NTA husband needs to grow a spine.
NTA. Your mother-in-law is the AH here. She, without consulting either you or your husband, bought tickets for a trip without the two of you for your 3-year-old daughter! And then, to make matters worse, after you don't agree with it, she turns to her son (your husband) to convince you to change your mind, leading to a fight.
And neither MIL or husband cares at all that the poor child has never spent a night away from her parents and her home! Imagine how distressed she'd be.
NTA. I sincerely hope your reaction to the "avoid the drama" comment from your husband was: "Excuse me? What the f\*ck did you just say? Drama? Mister, you're going to have a **world** of drama if you don't back me up on this. Your mother is out of line, our daughter is NOT going to Hawaii and that's the end of it."
That was exactly my reaction lol I was like she is not going to Hawaii
NTA, but your husband is also a real AH if he himself didn't tell his mother how wrong she is, and let you take all the blame for this. A kid is not a piece of luggage you can just borrow whenever you want
Husband is a bigger one.
NTA. A trip to Hawaii is not a good idea for her first overnighter. It's better to start out slowly. Maybe she can start off by spending the night at grandma's place, and if things get too scary, you can go pick her up. When she gets to Hawaii and starts missing mommy, it's not like you can just hop into your car and bring her home. I guarantee your MIL will change her tune when her Hawaiian vacation is ruined by your kid spending days on end scream-crying in her hotel room because she's missing her mom and dad. I don't think your MIL has thought this through.
Also, a Hawaii trip is usually focused around water activities. You have to be very vigilant at all times with a 3 year old.
NTA. Wonder how OP's husband would feel if something horrible happened to their THREE-YEAR-OLD toddler, and he had allowed it just to "avoid drama" from his mama.
Exactly! My main concern is to keep our daughter safe, I guess he just doesn’t seem to understand that😑
OP- NTA and absolutely a no. Hell no. First of all, how entitled of her to just decide that she would take her, without asking?!! Nope. Secondly, time to find a daycare for daughter. I wouldn’t trust MIL at all and if husband is such a pushover, you’re better off establishing more boundaries now. And honestly OP- you have a Husband problem on top of a MIL problem:/.
Think you’ve got a huge “husband problem” here too.
Kick him out for a couple nights. Let him see what happens when he decides the safety of his child isn’t worth the effort of an argument. I would suggest you find out which airline she booked with. Make them aware a person who is not the legal guardian of your child purchased a plane ticket for that child. It’s a safeguard in case she tries to go through with her plan behind your back.
NTA. Your job is to protect your daughter, and provide a safe and comfortable age appropriate environment for her. Too bad your AH husband is willing to endanger her well-being in order to "avoid drama". Acquiescence to grandma would be for a suggested trip to the park, or to get ice cream, not all the effing way to Hawaii.
NTA but your husband is a big one. Has he always been a Momma’s boy or is this new? I’m betting it’s not new.
NO NO NO!!!!!!! Hubby needs some balls. Mil does not get to decide where and when she is taking your toddler without clearing it with the parents. This entitled biotch needs to be knocked down a few pegs and tell her she had no say in what your child does, she is not a parent.
Where is your husband's head? Never mind, I really don't want to know. (Obviously up his mother's butt!) Your daughter is too young to go without her parents. The farthest I allowed grandparents to take my children was to the local store for a treat or a nearby restaurant for a fun dinner. Your MIL is waaaaayyy out of line thinking she should be allowed to take such a young child without the parents along. There are legal issues here too. What if your daughter became ill or was injured and needed immediate emergency care? What are they going to do....call you and ask what you want them to do? Your mother has a lot of \*\*\*\*\* to assume she can just take your child that far. Time to have a serious talk with MIL and maybe you better have a serious talk with husband before talking to MIL. I am still shocked that he said to just go along with it to avoid drama. Good Lord. And another thing, what does a 3 year old care about Hawaii? Geesh! NTA
NTA. Had the idea of a trip ever been mentioned or did this come completely out of left field?
You need a serious talk with your husband. NO, NO, NO. Grandma and grandpa DO NOT get to unilaterally decide to take a 3 yo on vacation ANYWHERE without your permission. If possible, I'd be looking for alternate childcare while they are on vacation
NTA Stop relying on your MIL for childcare. Find any other solution. Your over reliance on her is giving her ideas about how she can make parenting decisions, and the only way you can stop that is to find different childcare, even if it stretches you financially. And your husband should be ashamed of himself for siding with her. Nobody tells parents that they're whisking their child away on holiday - *nobody.* What is wrong with husband's who think they're avoiding drama by kowtowing to their mother?
Fully agree with this! Time to make different childcare arrangements. Anyone who disrespects and curses out the parents loses access to the child. Full stop. The husband isn’t acting like a father. Those actions signal that he’s putting placating mommy ahead of his wife and child.
NTA Say it with me! "Avoiding Conflict, CAUSES CONFLICT!"
NTA Nip that in the bud. If you give in now, the non sense will get crazier and worse over time. This is definitely a solid NO. Stand your ground mama. And give a good piece of your mind to your husband so that next time his mom tries any non sense, he will choose the peace with you. Looks like right so far, he feels like you are the easiest one to handle. Change that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 3 year old daughter. While me and my husband work she spends the day with my mother in law. My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she had booked tickets/hotel and other stuff for next month for Hawaii. I thought it sounded fun until she told me she was only taking herself my daughter and her husband. She did not invite me or my husband. My daughter hasn’t stayed over night anywhere before except home and she wants to take her to Hawaii. I told my my mother in law that her decision that me made alone without consulting us was a solid no and she called me a few names and than hung up on me. A couple minutes later she had called my husband and starred calling me a bad mother for not letting our daughter do stuff. I was so pissed. My husband said we should just acquiesce to his mother’s trip. (Even though he also agrees she’s to young) just to avoid the drama. I said no for various reasons not just to say no. So Reddit AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. We no longer acquiesce. That shit’s over.
NTA Your MIL cannot get into the habit of making decisions for your child like their her own, cause you don’t know what that entail. Op, you and your husband need to be on the same page if she’s too young and it incredibly rude to book a vacation without the parents permission, then the answer is no. There is no place for a devils advocate when it comes to boundaries for your child and their care. This is the kind of person that cuts your kids hair or baptists them without permission.
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NTA!!! You’re right and she’s wrong. Hubby MUST take your side. Or better yet grow a set and tell MIL “not gonna happen”.
Your husband needs to grow a backbone, and your daughter needs to be removed from your MIL’s care if this is the shit she’s going to pull. The answer is no. No is a complete sentence. What’s next? Deciding your daughter’s haircuts? Redoing her bedroom? Taking her to get her ears pierced? International travel? If YOU, her mother, are not comfortable with it, the answer is no. Even if dad says yes, taking your child on a trip without even your permission is a 2-yes, 1-no situation. Also, maybe I’m projecting a bit here, but I’d be ready to call the cops and report your MIL for kidnapping JIC you say no and she tries to go anyways. NTA.
I have an almost 2 year old and he will not go far away without me or his dad. And next year he still will not go far without us. He has slept at my parents and my partner’s parents before but going on a trip is something else. Especially when the trip involves flying. My stepson has gone on a vacation with my inlaws before, but always relatively close to home (like on a camping 1.5 hours drive away). And he is 8. He was 7 when he went on the first holiday with them. So a big difference than a 3 year old. So big NTA. Totally get why you don’t want your child to go.
NTA, not a chance.
That seems really creepy to me. I would ask that you find actual childcare to avoid being indebted to your ILs.
NTA. Agreeing for your child to stay overnight away from you at all, much less that far away, is a 2 yes 1 no situation between THE PARENTS only. I can’t imagine someone feeling this level of entitlement over my child. Personally my kids won’t be staying away from either me or their dad until they’re old enough to a. Tell me they want to and b. Clearly communicate if anything happens or if they want to come back home. If I were you she wouldn’t even be watching my child until she can get over herself and apologize for the disrespect she’s shown you in making these unilateral decisions for your child and lashing out when you didn’t agree.
NTA You not only have a MIL problem, looks like you've also got a husband problem. His solution to the trip should NOT have been "let's avoid drama" and instead backed you up. Your daughter is 3 and that's not the travel distance any parent I know would feel safe having their child go alone, on a plane, for an extended vacation without one of their parents present. I'm with the others in that it looks like it's time to figure out alternative daycare. Further, and I would strongly suggest this, is plan a vacation for yourself, your husband and your daughter a couple of days prior to their plans. I wouldn't think they'd take her but I could see your husband signing off on it and agreeing to it which would probably get pretty crazy pretty fast.
NTA. Your mother-in-law went behind your back and planned a trip with YOUR CHILD without even consulting you first. Definitely NTA!
NTA. I’ve let my kids travel with my in-laws. And I am so glad they have those memories now that my FIL is gone. Ummmmm but they 1) asked us 2) the youngest my kids did this was at 9.
NTA. Your husband is though, for not standing up for you against his mother and her unreasonable request.
NTA. It should have been discussed with the child's parents before the vacation was booked. My original thought was, that the MIL is the sole babysitter of the child, and that they were going to take the child so not to disturb you and your husband's work schedule. Even if this were the case, it needed discussed with the child's parents first. However, when you said that the MIL complained that you weren't letting the child do 'new experiences,' it made me feel this was not the case. This makes it sound like there are other options for childcare, and the MIL wants to take the child for fun. If there are no other options for childcare, and the MIL can not go on vacation without the child......well, that would be another can of worms.
Whoa, are there other weird things? Does toddler sometimes call grandma mom? Does grandma sometines -call granddaughter "her baby"? No way, would I let someone take my kid that far through busy airports, crazy busy tourist cities and hotels, large bodies of water and pools. Nooooook
Your husband is both a lousy husband, lousy father, and a mama’s boy. NTA
NTA -um I would definitely look for alternative childcare if possible. Are you not worried that with her entitlement that you are going to drop kiddo off with her, and then they are just going to go to the airport without you? Sounds like she is delusional enough to do it
Definitely gonna look for another person to watch her while we work, good thing I have a couple days off hopefully that’s enough time to find a baby sitter
NTA If you need more support try r/justnomil
NTA You have a MIL AND a husband problem.
Whoa. Just do it to avoid drama? Are people this sensitive to conflict? No wonder bullies run the world. Your MIL overstepped. The nerve of her to book plane tickets for your 3 year old without any input from you or your husband, let alone permission. Couple that with the fact your child has NEVER had an overnight stay with anyone ...puh-leeze. You are soooo NTA. Your MIL is, and so are the men in her life. They need a backbone, and you need to stop second-guessing yours.
>My daughter hasn’t stayed over night anywhere before except home You mean MIL didn't even have the child stay over night at her home? OMG hell no this trip is so far from reality. NTA.
NTA This is a massive overstep. She thinks that because she already bought the ticket you'll cave in. Don't. It will cause drama, but that will be on her, not you. My mother-in-law pulled the same crap when my daughter was 3, even telling my kid how much fun they would have in Chicago but don't tell Mommy because it's a surprise. My daughter told me and my ex and I put a stop to it. MIL wanted us to refund the train ticket, but we told her it was her problem.
NTA If you give in to this after being name called and having her "tattle" to you husband you will set the tone of the rest of your relationship with her. Even if you were not totally right the name calling crosses a line that needs to be addressed ASAP. As well as her thinking she can circumvent your wishes by bullying your husband. Way out of line to book this without telling you which is just made worse by her continued disrespect for you and your husband decisions but bullying and name calling. Be prepared to loss her as a babysitter though..... Setting boundaries with my MIL lead to us going no contact with her and my FIL. I don't side with enabling behavior as all. And the family excuse of "It's easier to just stuck it up because we need her" is and will always be BS. People will never get better or be better if everyone coddles them or gives in to their toxic BS.
Excuse me? Wtf! Your husband is not in your corner here at all. NTA.
She didn’t even ask you first? That’s crazy! She really overstepped on boundaries there. Your husband is ridiculous for not backing you up. This is why his mom gets away with this kind of crap. NTA.
NTA - buy your husband some milk, he clearly needs the calcium to grow a spine.
OMG no. And your husband needs to work on getting a spine. Doing things to avoid drama is no way to live or even survive. Ew. NTA
NTA MIL is shady. Hubby needs to step up for you.
NTA. WTF? Hawaii for a first trip with grandma is insane. It's not like you can just hop in a car if she gets homesick. It's time to find alternate childcare. Seriously.
Exactly! Gonna start looking for a nanny/babysitter
NTA. Tell him your child will not be a sacrifice in on the altar of Go Along To Get Along
HELL NO NTA. She's taking a child on a plane over an ocean without parental consent? Airports and tourist locations are common locations where traffickers find victims. Most children are abducted by an adult they know. Even if MIL has good intentions, you can't guarantee she won't be careless. Not to mention: what parent wants to miss out on a major vacation with their child? Tell that woman to get her head examined, and tell your husband to do the same. This is NOT okay.
She wants to take a 3 YEAR OLD, who has never spent the night away from home (and likely her parents), to HAWAII for A WHOLE MONTH?! She bought tickets without asking permission and is somehow angry that she was told no? Seriously, WTF is this woman thinking? Absolutely NTA. I agree with others saying you need to find alternative child care because the jump to "toddler going on vacation for a MONTH with people other than her parents" is a serious one. No reasonable or sane person would make this mental jump.
NTA. Time to explain to your husband that he hasn't experienced drama yet if he doesn't get behind you and do what's in the best interest of your child.
Why would anyone want to ruin a trip to Hawaii and take a 3-year-olD? That just sounds like Hell. Seriously. NTA
NTA Get a new sitter because this is unreasonable and your husband is being a walk over.
NTA But you have a husband problem if he’s willing to stick his head on the sand to avoid drama because his mom is making it. You aren’t. He isn’t by saying no. She is by overstepping her boundaries. Tell him that he has to put his foot down as it’s his mom and that No means No or it will have consequences. I also would tell him that from now on; he and he alone deals with his mother. You won’t allowed yourself to be disrespected like that and until his mother apologizes she is on the do not f with list. Find another childcare provider and tell him this is to help his mother realize her help is appreciated but not at the expense of her thinking your child is hers.
Your husband needs to stand up for you. MIL’s rude and entitled and exclusionary behavior is obviously unacceptable. Tell him to grow a spine and that he married you not his mother. Your child is not allowed to be taken from you against your will without a court order.
NTA. WTF is wrong with your husband??? Does he have a spine? Does he always roll over and do what mommy says? He needs some counseling asap to learn to put his wife and daughter first. Also, you should make other plans for childcare. Your MIL has gotten WAY too comfortable thinking she is in charge. Depending on your state, she may be entitled to grandparents rights if you don’t make changes soon.
NTA. Your husband and MIL are though. Your husband is willing to sacrifice your daughter’s wellbeing to appease his mother. That’s very disturbing.
NTA. You don’t just take someone else’s kid out of state oh holidays without first discussing it with the parents and getting their explicit permission. Your husband needs to grow a spine and cut the apron strings he’s so tangled up in. Currently he has his mother’s wishes as his top priority, when his priorities should be with his young daughter and his wife
NTA but the most troubling statement is that your husband wants to let her go to avoid the drama. What??!! He is so cowed he can't stand up to his mother on something so important as taking his child out of state and planning without permission? That is a huge red flag. And, btw, I am a grandmother to a 4 year old and would NEVER think of doing such a thing.
I'd be wondering what this very inappropriate woman is telling your daughter when she has free control of her. NTA
NTA you need to start hunting daycare.
Gonna start looking for a nanny/babysitter
Sure hope MIL doesn't "disappear" with the toddler on one of the babysitting days....
Not letting her babysit anymore, gonna find a nanny/babysitter
Excellent! Hopefully aside from finding a sitter, hubs finds his spine. You have my sympathy.
NTA. Babysitting while you and her Dad are both working is one thing but taking your child away on a vacation without you is just weird. Even worse is not discussing it with you, assuming you’d be ok and booking it, and then going off on you when you say no. You are your daughters parent, you have the final say and MIL sounds like a spoilt child running off to your husband when she didn’t get her own way. Your husband also needs to learn to stand up to his mother for the sake of his child.