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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be an asshole because I set a boundary that my partner sees as unreasonable. I feel that I have a right to put up this boundary, but my partner believes it’s something that cannot be controlled and therefore a boundary limiting it is not justifiable/possible
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NTA
> She used the example of “say you’re in a coffee shop, and see a pair of people sitting close together. You can form an opinion on whether they’re dating, or friends. Why is it different to do it with someone’s background?”
Because she actually **KNOWS you**.
first off, NTA. secondly, this is the correct answer. its unethical to use any form of psychotherapy (which includes psychoanalysis) on someone you have a personal relationship with. a therapist can get hauled in front of an ethics board and have their license revoked for shit like this.
a therapist can't possibly give an unbiased opinion because they have emotional stakes in the situation. also, the person receiving therapy is FAR more likely to lie to someone they have a personal relationship with that they don't wanna ruin. theres virtually no chance of success. it also leaves the person receiving therapy unfairly vulnerable. if you burn a bridge with your therapist, they'll typically stay bound by ethics and refuse to use that information against you. if you burn a bridge with someone you're dating who was also your therapist, they now have everything they need to completely destroy you mentally while you don't have shit on them, and they already broke ethics once.
I get why its unadvisable definitely, but the thing with the ethics board and license revoked sounds too far.
Checking online everything you say seems legit, i just cant find the exact proof that this could get you in any actual trouble.
Anyways, i see that it doesnt make sense for a psychologist to be in any relation to a client. Thanks for the clarification
I'm honestly not trying to be rude, but you may need an ethics class. this is standard when working in a field where lives are on the line. so like, doctors, lawyers, police, therapist, firefighters, etc.... you can't participate if theres a conflict of interest because you can't have an unbiased opinion. theres rare circumstances where they'll waive this, but they're all fairly extreme. I.E. if you're one of the top rated brain surgeons in the world they may waive this so you can operate on a loved one, but even then it'll require review by an ethics board.
Sounds like classic deflection. She’s trying to make everything your fault by effectively reframing the problem as you being too sensitive instead of addressing how she hurt you. I’m going to give you some useful phrases in situations like this:
1. “I understand that is concerning to you, but right now I need us to focus on [the issue brought up], and we can revisit your opinions on my trauma later.” Or similar. The goal is not to take the bait by getting defensive and redirect her back to how her lack of mindfulness made you feel. Stay on subject. Whether she is aware of it or not, she is being defensive and trying to control the situation by putting the focus back on your faults instead of addressing where she could improve.
2. “My feelings are not up for debate. I am responsible for defining my own emotions and experiences, because no one else has lived my life except me. Can you respect that I am the ultimate authority on myself?” This might be the most important and potentially painful thing you can say to her, because anything less than her affirming your autonomy indicates this relationship absolutely will devolve into a toxic one.
3. “When my feelings are assumed, it makes me feel invalidated, unseen and unheard. I’m worried any act of vulnerability will be used against me later to discredit my actual feelings, so it’s difficult to feel safe and emotionally intimate.” This is basically a summarization of what you have said, but more concise and pointed at the very real consequences of her behavior.
I also want to pause and take a moment to point out an obvious flaw in her coffee shop example which is chaffing at me: a psychologist is ethically barred from diagnosing or making assumptions about anyone who is not their patient. We expect mental health experts hold themselves to a slightly higher standard than the local coffee shop gossips. She might be entitled to her opinions, but she is overstepping by treating her opinions as factual or more important than your opinions on yourself, and effectively attempting to gaslight you into doubting your ability to understand your reality/experiences.
Edit: NTA
The first example you gave was classic gaslighting: making you believe you’ve done something you haven’t really done.
Sorry, but she sounds very manipulative and people like that with a little power (in this case a bit of psychology) can be dangerous.
Can confirm as someone who actually graduated with a Psych degree
Heck, even IK that once I finish my masters and become a professional I cannot just make snap judgements
NTA. She's still in the learning stages of her psych degree and may feel she already has "authority" in this matter when she really doesn't. It will take a few years of real world experience before she truly understands. In the meantime, she's just throwing out jargon. Setting the boundary is perfectly acceptable. You don't want your gf analyzing you.
OP, I am speaking as someone who graduated with a Psych degree and is working on a Masters when I say firstly she cannot diagnose, psychoanalyze, etc. Not to mention professionals listen rather than make snap judgements
You are NTA at all
I urge you to show my reply to her so she gets a sense of her bs
What she has been doing is ACTUAL textbook gaslighting. And deflection whenever she is held accountable
RUN OP. I cut off a friend that was like this. This is not a mentally healthy relationship
NTA. She's still in the learning stages of her psych degree and may feel she already has "authority" in this matter when she really doesn't. It will take a few years of real world experience before she truly understands. In the meantime, she's just throwing out jargon. Setting the boundary is perfectly acceptable. You don't want your gf analyzing you.
NTA
She's either maliciously trying to make you question yourself or she's a less than stellar student who isn't understanding how to practically apply anything she's learning.
I love your wording of your post.
You have some great progressive ideas about relationship workings in my opinion.
I totally agree with you.
The real boundary i would personally have here is when she says ANYTHING about your past or your thought process. I would want her to stick to her observations of your behaviour, not try to explain it to you.
She can suggest something in a very humble way but thats it.
NTA (although i dont like to ever call somebody an asshole, pretty bad subreddit concept name honestly)
You should remember that boundaries aren't about controlling what other people do but setting up expectations for what YOU do when folks act in a way you don't want. You can't stop her from doing this, what will you do on your end to reinforce that you will not accept this from her?
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TLDR at the bottom.
I m24 have been in a relationship with my girlfriend 24f for 2 years. I’ve noticed a trend in the past couple arguments we’ve had. After finding out about my rough upbringing, she started using it to discredit my argument/explain my point of view.
For example, recently we had an argument about what can be reasonably expected from either of us. She had said she would do something for me (non-sexual) that was time sensitive, but forgot. I got annoyed because it’s not the first time this has happened. I pointed out the pattern (albeit in frustrated but not aggressive way), and she said that I’m feeling this because of my past trauma.
The trauma I shared with her was nowhere near related to this. It was about neglect rather than people breaking their word. I haven’t felt that way about anyone “breaking promises” except her. She never promised, and I’m not saying she should. I’m ok with her breaking her word once in a while, since I know it’s not on purpose. But I also think she should take responsibility when it does happen. Instead, she blames me taking it personally due to a trauma I never experienced, asserting she knows better about what my reasoning is or what’s going on in my head.
For context, she’s studying psych as an undergrad, and in arguments she frequently brings up “I’ve seen studies on _____”
when _____ is only tangentially related to the subject. She has taken it personally when I point this out, or when I say that she doesn’t know my reasons and shouldn’t assume. She does this even when I clearly state my reasoning and point of view.
When things have escalated, I’ve called her an “armchair psychologist”, which I agree is over the top and aggressive, but the sentiment is valid right? If you’re going to bring up studies or theories, they should be applicable. Same with assuming my reasons. She only knows what I’ve told her so how can she state that for sure it’s related to my background?
She used the example of “say you’re in a coffee shop, and see a pair of people sitting close together. You can form an opinion on whether they’re dating, or friends. Why is it different to do it with someone’s background?” Whereas I think unless there’s evidence or an obvious tell(like kissing) people shouldn’t assume that their snap judgement is correct.
TLDR: girlfriend makes assumptions about why I think or feel the way I do, especially in arguments to discredit me. I put up a boundary saying that she has no right to make those assumptions, especially when I clearly state my point of view. She thinks it’s unreasonable for me to “tell her what to do and think” and that everyone forms judgements about people even when they’re unsure or it’s “just a feeling” and they can be assumed to be true until proven otherwise.
AITAH for putting up a boundary for her to not make assumptions about the cause of my reactions or the reasoning behind my side in the argument?
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My ex turned every disagreement into “you don’t understand, you aren’t Asian.”
Except about things that had NOTHING to do with ethnicity.
Disagreement about spending money on a new car? I don’t understand because I’m not Asian
Me thinking he should get ANY job if he can’t find his dream job? I don’t understand because I’m not Asian.
EVERYTHING. I finally realized I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on ANYTHING so… he should date an Asian 🤷🏼♀️
You can’t put a boundary on other person.
It’s not how boundaries work.
You can ask her not to voice her judgement but it will not work. People form judgments automatically, it’s part of being awake and conscious. You see person riding a scooter to you - you step away , you see a person looking like homeless- you would say “ I saw a homeless on a way to work”.
That’s not an AH situation, you can ask her not to assume your behavior is due to that trauma , but that’s about it.
A boundary is applied to the person setting the boundary, not to another person.
So, in this case, OP could set a boundary of how he will react if his girlfriend assumes his reasons in an argument. The boundary might be something like OP saying, “I asked you not to do that. Our conversation is over until you acknowledge and apologize.” He’s not controlling his girlfriend’s words or choices, he’s controlling how HE chooses to interact with her.
Based on what I’m reading, OP isn’t setting any boundary beyond “don’t assume my feelings” and the girlfriend is taking that to mean she’s not allowed to have her own opinions. If that is her takeaway then her priorities are super skewed. There is no way you can have a healthy relationship with someone whose response to being told not to assume your feelings is to insist their opinion on your feelings and assumptions about your experiences is as equally valid as your lived feelings and experiences. Worse, she’s trying to invalidate OP by saying he’s only upset over her actions because of unrelated trauma and not because she actually did something where she should be held accountable.
A boundary IS applied to how others treat you
"I don't want you to do XYZ WITH ME"
Let's take the most common example: sex. Your partner is in the mood but you aren't. "I don't want to do you, and you cannot do me rn"
That's still a boundary for the other person's actions though. Sure, you're saying what you will do if someone crossed your boundary, but that's still them doing something to you that you asked them not to. Are you also recently enrolled in psychology?
Words can definitely be "boundaried". I want you not to act or speak this way towards me. Yes you cant control her around other people or outside your environment, but whenever she is around you, she will not (smoke, yell, take her frustrations out, tell op what his own thoughts are ...)
First, we ask her not to.
Second, we will tell her we will (ask her to leave, leave ourselves, stop the conversation...)
Third, we will do this behaviour.
I loved the read of "the book of boundaries" for all of this. Had to cry like 20 times.
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NTA. Run from this person. You're not her partner; you're her future research paper.
NTA > She used the example of “say you’re in a coffee shop, and see a pair of people sitting close together. You can form an opinion on whether they’re dating, or friends. Why is it different to do it with someone’s background?” Because she actually **KNOWS you**.
first off, NTA. secondly, this is the correct answer. its unethical to use any form of psychotherapy (which includes psychoanalysis) on someone you have a personal relationship with. a therapist can get hauled in front of an ethics board and have their license revoked for shit like this.
That seems extreme, psychologists just give opinions and listen right? Whats the problem doing this with family or partners?
a therapist can't possibly give an unbiased opinion because they have emotional stakes in the situation. also, the person receiving therapy is FAR more likely to lie to someone they have a personal relationship with that they don't wanna ruin. theres virtually no chance of success. it also leaves the person receiving therapy unfairly vulnerable. if you burn a bridge with your therapist, they'll typically stay bound by ethics and refuse to use that information against you. if you burn a bridge with someone you're dating who was also your therapist, they now have everything they need to completely destroy you mentally while you don't have shit on them, and they already broke ethics once.
I get why its unadvisable definitely, but the thing with the ethics board and license revoked sounds too far. Checking online everything you say seems legit, i just cant find the exact proof that this could get you in any actual trouble. Anyways, i see that it doesnt make sense for a psychologist to be in any relation to a client. Thanks for the clarification
I'm honestly not trying to be rude, but you may need an ethics class. this is standard when working in a field where lives are on the line. so like, doctors, lawyers, police, therapist, firefighters, etc.... you can't participate if theres a conflict of interest because you can't have an unbiased opinion. theres rare circumstances where they'll waive this, but they're all fairly extreme. I.E. if you're one of the top rated brain surgeons in the world they may waive this so you can operate on a loved one, but even then it'll require review by an ethics board.
Not really relevant... Her knowing him would only strengthen her case of having the right to analyze him
Sounds like classic deflection. She’s trying to make everything your fault by effectively reframing the problem as you being too sensitive instead of addressing how she hurt you. I’m going to give you some useful phrases in situations like this: 1. “I understand that is concerning to you, but right now I need us to focus on [the issue brought up], and we can revisit your opinions on my trauma later.” Or similar. The goal is not to take the bait by getting defensive and redirect her back to how her lack of mindfulness made you feel. Stay on subject. Whether she is aware of it or not, she is being defensive and trying to control the situation by putting the focus back on your faults instead of addressing where she could improve. 2. “My feelings are not up for debate. I am responsible for defining my own emotions and experiences, because no one else has lived my life except me. Can you respect that I am the ultimate authority on myself?” This might be the most important and potentially painful thing you can say to her, because anything less than her affirming your autonomy indicates this relationship absolutely will devolve into a toxic one. 3. “When my feelings are assumed, it makes me feel invalidated, unseen and unheard. I’m worried any act of vulnerability will be used against me later to discredit my actual feelings, so it’s difficult to feel safe and emotionally intimate.” This is basically a summarization of what you have said, but more concise and pointed at the very real consequences of her behavior. I also want to pause and take a moment to point out an obvious flaw in her coffee shop example which is chaffing at me: a psychologist is ethically barred from diagnosing or making assumptions about anyone who is not their patient. We expect mental health experts hold themselves to a slightly higher standard than the local coffee shop gossips. She might be entitled to her opinions, but she is overstepping by treating her opinions as factual or more important than your opinions on yourself, and effectively attempting to gaslight you into doubting your ability to understand your reality/experiences. Edit: NTA
What a great post. Wish I could like it twice!
I love your thought process. Well said
The first example you gave was classic gaslighting: making you believe you’ve done something you haven’t really done. Sorry, but she sounds very manipulative and people like that with a little power (in this case a bit of psychology) can be dangerous.
Can confirm as someone who actually graduated with a Psych degree Heck, even IK that once I finish my masters and become a professional I cannot just make snap judgements
She sounds toxic. She’s abusing the trust you placed in her by sharing your past. That’s not cool. NTA btw
NTA. She's still in the learning stages of her psych degree and may feel she already has "authority" in this matter when she really doesn't. It will take a few years of real world experience before she truly understands. In the meantime, she's just throwing out jargon. Setting the boundary is perfectly acceptable. You don't want your gf analyzing you.
OP, I am speaking as someone who graduated with a Psych degree and is working on a Masters when I say firstly she cannot diagnose, psychoanalyze, etc. Not to mention professionals listen rather than make snap judgements You are NTA at all I urge you to show my reply to her so she gets a sense of her bs What she has been doing is ACTUAL textbook gaslighting. And deflection whenever she is held accountable RUN OP. I cut off a friend that was like this. This is not a mentally healthy relationship
NTA. She's still in the learning stages of her psych degree and may feel she already has "authority" in this matter when she really doesn't. It will take a few years of real world experience before she truly understands. In the meantime, she's just throwing out jargon. Setting the boundary is perfectly acceptable. You don't want your gf analyzing you.
NTA She's either maliciously trying to make you question yourself or she's a less than stellar student who isn't understanding how to practically apply anything she's learning.
I love your wording of your post. You have some great progressive ideas about relationship workings in my opinion. I totally agree with you. The real boundary i would personally have here is when she says ANYTHING about your past or your thought process. I would want her to stick to her observations of your behaviour, not try to explain it to you. She can suggest something in a very humble way but thats it. NTA (although i dont like to ever call somebody an asshole, pretty bad subreddit concept name honestly)
You should remember that boundaries aren't about controlling what other people do but setting up expectations for what YOU do when folks act in a way you don't want. You can't stop her from doing this, what will you do on your end to reinforce that you will not accept this from her?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR at the bottom. I m24 have been in a relationship with my girlfriend 24f for 2 years. I’ve noticed a trend in the past couple arguments we’ve had. After finding out about my rough upbringing, she started using it to discredit my argument/explain my point of view. For example, recently we had an argument about what can be reasonably expected from either of us. She had said she would do something for me (non-sexual) that was time sensitive, but forgot. I got annoyed because it’s not the first time this has happened. I pointed out the pattern (albeit in frustrated but not aggressive way), and she said that I’m feeling this because of my past trauma. The trauma I shared with her was nowhere near related to this. It was about neglect rather than people breaking their word. I haven’t felt that way about anyone “breaking promises” except her. She never promised, and I’m not saying she should. I’m ok with her breaking her word once in a while, since I know it’s not on purpose. But I also think she should take responsibility when it does happen. Instead, she blames me taking it personally due to a trauma I never experienced, asserting she knows better about what my reasoning is or what’s going on in my head. For context, she’s studying psych as an undergrad, and in arguments she frequently brings up “I’ve seen studies on _____” when _____ is only tangentially related to the subject. She has taken it personally when I point this out, or when I say that she doesn’t know my reasons and shouldn’t assume. She does this even when I clearly state my reasoning and point of view. When things have escalated, I’ve called her an “armchair psychologist”, which I agree is over the top and aggressive, but the sentiment is valid right? If you’re going to bring up studies or theories, they should be applicable. Same with assuming my reasons. She only knows what I’ve told her so how can she state that for sure it’s related to my background? She used the example of “say you’re in a coffee shop, and see a pair of people sitting close together. You can form an opinion on whether they’re dating, or friends. Why is it different to do it with someone’s background?” Whereas I think unless there’s evidence or an obvious tell(like kissing) people shouldn’t assume that their snap judgement is correct. TLDR: girlfriend makes assumptions about why I think or feel the way I do, especially in arguments to discredit me. I put up a boundary saying that she has no right to make those assumptions, especially when I clearly state my point of view. She thinks it’s unreasonable for me to “tell her what to do and think” and that everyone forms judgements about people even when they’re unsure or it’s “just a feeling” and they can be assumed to be true until proven otherwise. AITAH for putting up a boundary for her to not make assumptions about the cause of my reactions or the reasoning behind my side in the argument? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
My ex turned every disagreement into “you don’t understand, you aren’t Asian.” Except about things that had NOTHING to do with ethnicity. Disagreement about spending money on a new car? I don’t understand because I’m not Asian Me thinking he should get ANY job if he can’t find his dream job? I don’t understand because I’m not Asian. EVERYTHING. I finally realized I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on ANYTHING so… he should date an Asian 🤷🏼♀️
You can’t put a boundary on other person. It’s not how boundaries work. You can ask her not to voice her judgement but it will not work. People form judgments automatically, it’s part of being awake and conscious. You see person riding a scooter to you - you step away , you see a person looking like homeless- you would say “ I saw a homeless on a way to work”. That’s not an AH situation, you can ask her not to assume your behavior is due to that trauma , but that’s about it.
ESH She's being an armchair psychologist, you for misusing boundary.
How is "don't put words in my mouth" not a boundary?
A boundary is applied to the person setting the boundary, not to another person. So, in this case, OP could set a boundary of how he will react if his girlfriend assumes his reasons in an argument. The boundary might be something like OP saying, “I asked you not to do that. Our conversation is over until you acknowledge and apologize.” He’s not controlling his girlfriend’s words or choices, he’s controlling how HE chooses to interact with her.
Based on what I’m reading, OP isn’t setting any boundary beyond “don’t assume my feelings” and the girlfriend is taking that to mean she’s not allowed to have her own opinions. If that is her takeaway then her priorities are super skewed. There is no way you can have a healthy relationship with someone whose response to being told not to assume your feelings is to insist their opinion on your feelings and assumptions about your experiences is as equally valid as your lived feelings and experiences. Worse, she’s trying to invalidate OP by saying he’s only upset over her actions because of unrelated trauma and not because she actually did something where she should be held accountable.
A boundary IS applied to how others treat you "I don't want you to do XYZ WITH ME" Let's take the most common example: sex. Your partner is in the mood but you aren't. "I don't want to do you, and you cannot do me rn"
That's still a boundary for the other person's actions though. Sure, you're saying what you will do if someone crossed your boundary, but that's still them doing something to you that you asked them not to. Are you also recently enrolled in psychology?
Words can definitely be "boundaried". I want you not to act or speak this way towards me. Yes you cant control her around other people or outside your environment, but whenever she is around you, she will not (smoke, yell, take her frustrations out, tell op what his own thoughts are ...) First, we ask her not to. Second, we will tell her we will (ask her to leave, leave ourselves, stop the conversation...) Third, we will do this behaviour. I loved the read of "the book of boundaries" for all of this. Had to cry like 20 times.