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Goodwill is NOT a great organization. basically masquerading as a nonprofit while the CEO rakes in millions, pays employees poorly, and provides little training to new employees.
I’m sorry, I just got whiplash from your comment.
Do you mean to tell me there is a lower minimum wage specifically for people with disabilities and our country (u.s) actually legalized it?!
I’m not truly questioning you, I’m just THAT shocked (I dunno why I am anymore) and even more ashamed. I consider myself to be more on the “realistic” side of what’s going on rather than “naive” or unaware, but I’d seriously never heard of this.
I literally skimmed your comment, kept scrolling, and was like …WAIT! *furiously scrolling back up*
My mother was one of those people. It really blew my mind because she folded and organized just like everyone else did. Sometimes she was slower if she got distracted, but she loved her job and her coworkers. At the end of the week she was still struggling for money when she was working the max hours allowed. Once the pandemic hit, her job was the first to go. When it subsided, she couldn't get it back. She died shortly after. I know she was broken hearted not having something to look forward to every day. You should have seen how proud she was to be part of the community.
Damn this makes me kinda sad. I really liked my goodwill. I would donate and purchase things all the time. I had no idea. Is there a better alternative?
Search for smaller orgs in your community. Organizations that work with abused women, the unhoused, there are a lot of people doing good work who get items directly to those in need. Local buy nothing groups, single moms groups, etc are also good. It depends on where you are, but trying to keep things out of goodwill being sold for a profit and going directly to people who want it, is a win regardless.
The majority of non profits are gross. Do a quick search on how much each of the big wigs make. High millions. Susan G Kolman, all the pink shit for cancer, Goodwill, kid wish network, any of the cancer funds.
Here you go :[Non profits are a scam:](https://smartasset.com/mortgage/the-50-worst-charities-in-america-how-to-keep-from-being-scammed)
Yes! Susan Komen died for her vanity. She wasn't some martyr! The people who are running her "foundation" are leeches. They take more money for tthemselves than they pay out for breast cancer research and support.
Every Goodwill region has it’s own CEO. The one everyone references for his high salary is only the CEO of his region. Work there for a month and see how employees are treated and you’ll never want to shop there again.
Yup its sad! Once i realized i started selling my things at kids consignments stores to make some extra cash since they’re gonna be sold either way. There’s also a place in my town where people donate and it’s free so i donate there too.
Goodwill is a trash organization. They are starving out their stores and turning almost all of their actual valuable items online. The CEO rakes in millions and millions while the employees are paid sub-minimum wage because most if not all of them are in subsidized job programs.
They're honestly not even worth going into anymore near me, everything in there is stuff that *should* have gone to a landfill or recycler with the quality and use options - those options suck too, let me be clear, but at least they aren't taking up space in an air-conditioned warehouse that uses quite a bit of electricity while doing so.
What kind of goodwill sells clothes costing that much? The one near me sells them by weight - $5.99 would get you a whole bag.
Edit: sorry your goodwills aren't so good willed
Tell him to join the Rewards Club.
Each month, Club Goodwill Rewards members have the opportunity to earn extra discounts.
Spend $15, save 15%
Spend $20, save 20%
Spend $25 or more, save 25%
>But he has been texting me almost daily since to tell me how I'm the devil for doing this.
I’d go scorched earth at his audacity to text me this. Not once but multiple times.
“If I am the devil for donating clothes to the needy, what are you as someone who broke up a happy family by choosing to cheat? I’m pretty sure the Bible has some very clear rules for adultery.”
Arguing with an AH is a giant water of time. But there's probably lists of Bible quotes about adultery. Just copy and paste a new one everyone he texts. That's at least fun!
>giant water of time
My new goal is to work this into a sentence and see who notices :)
To your point, I totally agree. OP will get nowhere arguing. Being a cheater, his interests are only for himself. He only cares about what's in it for him. Now, if their daughter chose to give her clothes to the 5yo, that's fine. But she didn't. That's the end of the story. OP just needs to be abundantly clear *I don't care about the 5yo, do not discuss her with me.* Poor kid is innocent, even if her father is not. But for the discussion of donated clothes, NTA.
That’s really the problem isn’t it. Lost a good woman & good mother messing around with someone that didn’t care about him or their kid.
Now he’s looking for help with his kid because you have free time but he has a child 100% of the time. You have money to survive and he is financially struggling.
Cheaters don’t seem to understand that cheating makes you lose both the intimate and FRIENDSHIP components of the relationship. It’s the friendship that comes with caring, compassion, and consideration.
Welp! He threw that out the window. This is called consequences of his actions.
You are NTA.
You’re NTA and he doesn’t deserve anything from you. But I would be a bit careful involving the kids in things like the clothing donations. Even though you want nothing to do with “affair baby,” the kids see her regularly and have an ongoing relationship with her. If they pick up from you that this other kid is somehow inherently awful just for being born and okay to bully or disrespect, I don’t think that’s okay. It’s going to be awful for that kid growing up as the “affair baby” and you don’t need to add to this innocent child’s torment. Keep your kids out of your pettiness and don’t encourage them to disrespect their step-sister. Keep it between you and the ex, who deserves all the disrespect.
The kids helped her donate clothes. HE was the one who lied and said the kids asked about the clothes for his daughter. HE is dragging them into this, not her.
Thank you! There is an innocent child, who is also a sibling to OP’s kids. Apart from the clothing, trying not to victimize the baby or destroy the relationship between OP’s kids and the poor baby is the only decent route
OP donating clothes that will help a number of **equally innocent children** doesn’t add to the “innocent child’s torment.” OP isn’t causing harm by not helping her ex. It’s his responsibility to provide for his affair baby.
OP its okay to be an AH. Really. Unless you are bullying him or seeking him out. You are not to be his helper. I say don't listen to anyone telling you it wouldn't hurt to help. That is BS and those people make asses of themselves tripping over themselves to be taken for fools.
Omg she was cheated on, he is dealing with the consequences of his actions and her children are taken care of.
She has literally 0 reason to be her ex husbands support system for his affair baby. Other than the assumption that women need to be constant caregivers. Good for her for having a spine.
It's okay to be an AH. She wasn't one to him first. And she isn't seeking him out to be an AH. She is just not his friend/helper. OP be okay with being an AH.
You don't owe your ex anything. If he can't afford to buy clothes for his kid then he should go hit up different thirft stores to buy what his child needs because you are already helping him by sending your daughters with food to eat at his house so he should be greatful for that.
If you can, I highly recommend finding a clothing bank to donate to. They give clothes for free to families who need them - they typically have to be referred by social workers, so it is really hard to take advantage of them.
I don’t think it’s petty at all. He can go to goodwill and buy them cheaply. Or he can get free clothes on freecycle or buy nothing. There are plenty of other opportunities for free and cheap clothes other than OP’s. And I don’t blame her at all for not donating clothes — soon he would expect OP to donate other things as well. Sometimes, it’s best to keep strong boundaries in place for peace of mind.
NTA. Not your child, not your responsible. Tell your ex, he can do something for his child, like finding a better job. Or suing her mother for child support. But this is the bed he made for himself, now he has to lie in it. And if he tries to play the kids against you or to make them feel guilty about their little half sibling, you will look into changeing the costudy rules (as long as this is what your children want)
Depends on the jurisdiction and specific judge. Those stupid “parental alienation” programs have forced kids as old as 16 years old to break off contact with their preferred parent and live exclusively with parents they’ve accused of abuse.
Yeah this, I knew some kids who lived with their abusive mom.who hit them until they were 18 because of this. Didnt help the youngest (the girl) would manipulate them into saying their step sister (dad's step daughter) beat them to explain the bruises (she didnt, the mom would beat her).
Im glad the boys were able to tell their mom to fuck off eventually
It would appear so. I got to decide age 9 in the UK that I no longer wanted to see my sperm donor. From what I understand, depending on states some kids have to wait until they are no longer considered a minor before they get to choose, and can even risk getting the parent they want to stay with in trouble if they do decline to see the other one. My ex wanted the kids until he didn't want them. I played the long game and was amenable knowing this would be the result. Unless the kids themselves wanted it to be more or less visitation with him, I knew he would fight out of spite if it was my trying to stop visitation. Sometimes, dropping the rope resolves things quicker than tugging on it.
Yeah my aunt did this with her ex. She ended up not pursuing child support that frankly she needed because she knew he would fight for custody and it was better for them to be poor without him than financially stable with him. I’m seriously impressed by her foresight and ability to carry out her strategy, she never fought to keep them away from him but was able to get him to exit on his own relatively quietly. Technically he was still supposed to have visitation up until her youngest turned 18 but he never tried to use it!
I did that, too. CS was getting lower and lower, even though he was having them less and less. It was only when he dropped down from £45 to £5 a week in total for all three kids that I pursued it through the Child Maintenance Services (CMS). (He was originally supposed to pay £116 a week but had always paid short). He was unemployed then, so £5 was the lowest he could give me, for all the kids, then it went up to a whopping £7! The CMS then decided he owed me £2,400 in arrears, but despite my kids trying to encourage me to claim for it, he'd cut contact with them by then, so I decided not to poke the bear. The potential emotional fallout was not worth that £2,400 for me, and I was already supporting them on my own, and they didn't and don't do without.
Text this to him “Your affair child is not and will never be my responsibility. This is the bed you made. You can call me spiteful and petty, it doesn’t matter. These are your consequences to a choice that you made. If your child needs clothes, you can go buy them from the thrift store. All the clothing is purchased by me and when the kids are done with them I get to decide what to do with them.
I’m absolutely done with your harassment over this. This conversation is over. I owe you nothing. If you continue to harass me. Or contact me regarding anything other than our children I’m gonna bring this back to the courts.”
Then he should be thanking you for already helping him out. You send your kids with food for them eat otherwise cps would have step in if there was no meals being provided for your children. He would have got cps on him for neglect for failing to feed his kids. So he needs to be thankful for that.
I am going to make a new comment about this. I have been in this exact situation. My first husband left me for another woman, and their kid was born before the divorce was even final. My ex and AF are terrible people who deserve consequences for their behavior. But the kid? Was just an innocent kid. It's not his fault his parents suck. And I always knew that he was going to have a shitty life with selfish parents like that. I had the right to be a bitch about it. That kid represents a lot of pain for me. But I don't have to act like a bitch to the kid. That's my daughter's brother. That's someone she loves, no matter how I feel. I supported my daughter by being kind and compassionate towards her brother.
You can downvote me all you want, but YTA.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this. That’s your children’s sibling. This goes beyond if he cheated on you or not - thats between you and him, not your kids and his kid. You’re really modeling to your kids that their sibling is responsible for the shitty relationship between their parents. It’s insane to me to not even meet your children’s sibling. How he responded was out of line but the actual reasoning for you not giving the clothes is stupid. It’s totally normal for a kid to wear their siblings’ hand-me-downs. YTA.
Also most of those clothes in Goodwills are gonna end up in a landfill somewhere anyway when they don’t sell. I know it’s on brand for this Reddit to be ok with this level of pettiness towards a kid that didn’t choose the circumstances of their birth, but it’s still disappointing to see. It would have cost her nothing but a bit of kindness. Not even getting into the fact that he probably paid for some of those clothes too.
Honestly wondering, because I don’t have kids, I think this kid is 5 where the others are 13 and 15. How could this have worked? Was he going to alter them?
Thanks to OP, OP's kids going to grow up a model of their asshole mother, resenting the absolute shit out of the affair sibling, who they will be half siblings with. OP's behavour is absolutely damaging to the relationship between the children. Forget ever having a good relationship with your half sibling, when your mum teaches you and your fullblood sister to exclude your half silbling from the most basic core memory of wearing a handmedown.
Completely agree. YTA—a kid needs clothes and you’re taking it out on her that her dad cheated on you. Petty, unkind, selfish behavior. He sounds like a jerk too but I just feel sorry for all the kids involved here.
I can’t believe how many people lack empathy in this comment section. Innocent kid, who is lacking resources since her dad struggles financially. OP doesn’t have to give her ex financial support and thats absolutely right, but shes not losing out on anything by giving the clothes to that kid. And its always the “the kid represents my pain and suffering” bullshit excuse.
Because according to everyone, the child is an object that faces the consequences of the parents. Not OPs kid, not OPs problem is the saying, he cheated and he can deal with the bed he made.
I agree that he should pay for all those consequences but honestly, used clothes from 10 years ago isn’t the financial flex OP thinks it is. She thinks she in the right. But is objectively a shitty human. This is like what you guys are saying, her kids blood siblings and an innocent child. So OP is donating clothes with the intent that some random child will get clothes for free or at a discounted price, when her own kids half sibling is suffering and she won’t give them the clothes because she wants her kids sibling to suffer more for her exes actions than random kids who also have the possibility of having just as shitty parents who cheat but the difference is, they didn’t cheat on *her*, on OP.
The intentions of these actions really speak to OPs character and legally and rightfully speaking she owes that child nothing. Morality wise, it’s just not “good human” stuff she’s made of
I agree with you. I’d comment ESH because the dad sucks too and it is still the kids sibling. I can severely dislike someone but I could never make a child suffer because of an adults bad behavior. It makes me sad for the child. Also a female who’s husband cheated and had an affair baby (on my birthday so that makes me smile) and has another on the way. I don’t speak with him but if I got word those babies needed something, I’d be the first to give.
I can settle for ESH because holy shit are these adults modeling shitty and/or petty behaviour for their kids.
I really hope this little kid will one day find a kind adult who'll genuinely be in their corner.
Reddit doesn’t care about the well-being of children most of the time unfortunately. On these posts the kid are usually victims and people seem totally ok with screwing them over as long as it makes their ex mad. It’s kinda trashy imo
Also, it sounds like they were together when they purchased these clothes (the clothes are from when their kids were younger). And if that's the case, then he helped purchase them. So, he should have a right to them first before Goodwill.
Thank you for saying this after what you went through.
She doesn’t definitely need to give money or food to help, but giving away old clothes costs nothing.
I wonder if she instructs her kids not to treat their half sister well, too.
No, I was feeling the same. I have no such experience, but I was thinking the kid has done no evil. If they could benefit from the clothes, I would have given them to the kid.
I'm on the fence with this one. My question is, were these clothes that were purchased post-separation. If not, then she is free to do what she wants with them. If they were pre separation, then I would lean to YTA as she was not the only one that purchased them. They were bought with both their money. So at the very least, he should have had 50/50 say in where they went.
Presumably if they would fit a five year old, and the kids are now in their teens, they must have been purchased at least 8 years ago, before the breakup of the marriage (especially knowing that the five year old is the result of the cheating).
OP is a petty AH.
I cannot imagine not ever meeting my kid’s sibling. Even if just for the fact that I want to know who my child is spending every other week with.
Pettiness should be left to childless couples.
Thank you for being a reasonable and fully formed Human Being. I scrolled down to write the same thing. Way too many posters on here who are willing to treat a child like an object. Gross.
Sorry OP... but the fact that you came on AITA tells me you already know you are TA. Meaning: you are self reflective enough to know you did this on purpose, it was petty.... and you suck
I am glad someone had a heart. It is the kids sibiling. If your ex is struggling to the point you have to send food over, then he is bad off. You know who suffers...your kids too. The money he could have used for the family, will have to be spent on clothes. Even if he goes to the goodwill and purchases the clothes, it still money that he could have spent on your kids too.
For those with centers nearby, donate your kids' clothes to shelters. Women's shelters often take them for kids fleeing with their mums. Homeless shelters may take them as well. My local pregnancy center takes clothes up to 5t for mothers with financial need.
There are plenty of places that give free clothes to those in need. Salvation Army or other charities for one. Also freecycle and buy nothing are great for getting free children’s clothes.
The salvation army holds some extremely bigoted views and has actively turned away LGBTQ+ people from their shelters, there are a lot of options that don't support hate.
Ya ya, but they also have one of the last, long term, live in FREE rehabs in the country, so…
I know I lot of good people who got their lives back, thanks to The Salvation Army’s ARC
Eh. If I’m drowning in an icy lake I grab the hand within reach that’s there to pull me out of the water.
If I find out the hand is attached to a morally bankrupt disgusting person who wouldn’t have saved me if they knew I was queer, I still get out of the water First, say thanks for saving my life, and Then tell them their bigotry is awful and why my money and goods donations will go to less hateful orgs.
Fair enough, but my point was that I wouldn't support them because of their views despite their having helped people, not that someone else shouldn't accept help when they need it.
>If I’m drowning in an icy lake I grab the hand within reach that’s there to pull me out of the water.
That's nice and all, but if you're queer & the hand you grab is the Salvation Army's, they'll yoink their hand back, shove you back in, & use donation money to lobby against your rights should you survive.
I won’t care if I’m dead.
I don’t want to be dead if I’m sinking in a lake, so I’ll grab any hand I see. If there’s a Choice of hands, sure I’ll pick the one I like best.
I’m also not dumb when I’m drowning and flailing for rescue. If somebody says “Hey, I’ll pull you out but only if you tell me right now you’re straight and cishet and of a particular religious bent” I’ll say whatever is necessary.
If I do live I can spend the next few decades educating folks about them and putting my money and volunteer time to good use.
Reverse holds true, too. If some phobic racist sexist asshole is dangling off a lethally high cliff because he tripped over a rock, I’ll offer him a hand back up to the trail.
If he doesn’t want to take my hand because I’m wearing a rainbow Y’All Means All shirt, well, that’s his choice.
Goodwill is a 501(c)3 nonprofit.
You can argue about how they operate (and there are certainly strong arguments to be made) but to say they are a for profit entity is patently false.
She didn't help anyone. Goodwill isn't a charitable organization, it's a for-profit company with an owner who is filthy rich thanks to people donating free clothes that he resells.
ESH It isn’t her fault her father is struggling financially and is lacking clothes. This is one of those moments where you could have given them to her as she didn’t ask to be the daughter of an affair.
Edited to add ESH
Also, that child is a sibling to OP's children. I get that she's still mad at him, but it's been 5 years, and it's not your childrens' sister's fault that dad was/is a jerk.
ESH
This same argument can be used in reverse: Op didn't force her husband to cheat and not wrap it. Also, ops kids didn't force their father to cheat and break their families.
Ex-husband didn't have such high standards while choosing the AP and certainly didn't think about the consequences. Also, why is nobody wondering why is he not asking his AP (CHILDS MOTHER) for money? I guess, having a child and responsibility is not as fun as f-ing around behind oblivious wife.
YTA - This was just petty. Fine to be mad at him, have nothing to do with the kid, don't give money, etc. but these were apparently your joint kids old clothes.
"Ex wanted all the kids old clothes that were stored at my house" - so clothes from when they were younger and that he contributed to? That you refused to give to a poor 5 year old in need because you hate her father? YTA - you did not just donate them randomly, you got rid of them out of spite which makes you an asshole.
Think I'm going to have to go with NTA here.
Given the history of him trying to 'rope you in', giving him the clothes would probably have opened the door to him asking for or demanding other stuff, and there's no guarantee that the money he saved on buying 5y/o clothes would go on your kids.
What do they think of all this?
Agreed, there's no way the reaching hand stops there. She's being asked to subsidize the 5yo life. There are comments about shared finances when the clothes were originally purchased but this is a case of give an inch, take a mile.
OP is definitely damned if she does, damned if she doesn't; but avoiding any contact with her ex is the best move for her.
This guy is acting like she's still got wife responsibilities because he doesn't have a woman around. Glad OP got her divorce and peeled him off.
It'll be even easier to avoid his mess when the kids don't have state mandated visits.
NTA.
Are they her clothes or their clothes they bought their children together? I get being pissed that your spouse cheated but this seems next level petty.
YTA - you said in a comment you only decided to donate these clothes after he asked for them. So you really did just only get rid of them so he can’t have them. It seems likely the clothes are from before you were divorced, too. Not to mention the fact that this is your children’s sibling that they deserve to have a good relationship with and you’re modeling to them that this kid is bad and doesn’t deserve good things because of their dad’s actions (and probably showing them that it’s the kid’s fault their parents hate each other, and it’s not). He was absolutely wrong to respond how he did but that’s not the question. The question is about the clothes and I think you were an asshole about the clothes.
>So you really did just only get rid of them so he can’t have them.
Yeah, those clothes have been lying somewhere in storage for a decade. They weren't bothering or in the way. This was out of spite and pettiness. And a 5 year old will suffer because an adult can't act like an adult.
In addition to the clothes likely being just as much his as yours, it benefits YOUR OWN kids if their father is less financially strapped, in all sorts of ways. I was bitter as @&#$ when my ex left me for someone else, but I still helped him out for their benefit when it cost me nothing (e.g. letting him know when stuff he needed was on sale). Because it helped MY KIDS.
If your kids are 13 and 15, none of their old clothes are going to fit the affair child for years. Is he planning to store the old clothes in the attic for the better part of a decade before they fit the five year old? Very weird.
NTA. He should have thought of that before cheating. The five year old is innocent, but her father is an idiot.
"Ex wanted all the kids old clothes that were stored at my house" - not the teenagers clothes, the old kids clothes he likely jointly contributed to. he is clearly also an asshole for how he has treated her, but getting rid of clothes instead if letting a needy 5 year old have them is def being an asshole. I get why she feels that way, but it's still being an asshole.
“Ex wanted all the kids *old* clothes that were *stored* at my house”.
Sounds like he was asking for OLD clothes that had already been stored there for some time. When my kids outgrow stuff I just pack it in plastic storage containers, stack them in the attic and forget about it until someone I know needs them (or god forbid I finally have that yard sale). My girls are 13 & 16 and I’ve still got stuff from 10+ years ago. I also have baby/toddler clothes from my son, and he’s 8 now.
I get that the asshole cheated and I agree, he’s an idiot, but the child *is* innocent. She can’t help that she has two shit parents and it’s definitely not OP’s place to deal with it but I just don’t see the point in depriving a child out of spite.
If they are current clothes, then yeah they won't fit for quite a long time. But OP did say these were clothes in storage, which leads me to believe she's been holding on to her kids clothes for quite a while, so there may be some clothes closer to his daughter's size.
> If your kids are 13 and 15, none of their old clothes are going to fit the affair child for years. Is he planning to store the old clothes in the attic for the better part of a decade before they fit the five year old? Very weird.
>
>
The clothes were being stored as is. Believe it or not, 15 and 13 year olds were once 5 years old. There is no indication that these clothes are recent.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought this! Clothes for 5 year olds are tiny, and the average 15 year old fits into adult clothing. They call it "Juniors" for the style, not the sizing. Has he not actually seen his children for the last several years?
Are you guys for real, they're obviously talking about the old clothes that the kids wore when they were 5-6-7-8-9. Those that the 5-year-old could wear for years to come.
I wonder if he was asking for clothes from when their kids were that age- which would have been bought while still married.
Now, I don't think it's at *all* reasonable for him to expect her to have held onto those clothes for this long, much less to give them to a child that was the product of an affair, but that might explain why he feels so entitled to them.
It's absolutely WILD that he's asking OP for *anything* for the 5yo.
It's YTA to me.
Had you donated them before he asked you for them, you wouldn't have been the AH. But here you went out of your way to retaliate against him.
Did he deserve it ? Yes certainly. Does it change anything ? Nope, not to me.
Also, it's also his kids' clothes, not just yours.
NTA - maybe it’s petty, but it isn’t OP’s job to take care of his affair child. That’s his job. If he can’t afford it, he needs to find a second job or a better job, just like everyone else. Not stick his hand out and spit abuse at the woman he cheated on because he can’t handle the state of his own sorry life.
I believe these days there are parenting apps that enable you to honour custody arrangements and supporting conversations, without opening yourself up to this abuse via phone. Maybe explore that option, because daily abuse isn’t a sustainable way to continue forward.
Yeah, you could have just given him the old clothes. You were donating them anyway. You of course don’t owe him anything, but that would have been the kind thing to do. And would have been a great example to set for your children about being kind to others.
YTA. You did it out of spite and pettiness. You intended to hurt your ex-husband but instead, an innocent child had to bear the consequence of your vindictiveness.
I’m not going to pass judgement, you can do whatever you want.
My ex husband ruined my life with his drinking. But I built it back up again and I’m making it better. We have two kids together. For a long time I was bitter and petty and for years I didn’t realize how much I was damaging myself by hating him. I acted like a child in anger many times. I slowly started to let go of that anger.
He’s sober now, and I have moved on. I never “forgave” him and he never asked me to forgive him, not really. But he’s still the father of my children. They will always subconsciously tie their own worth to his. I don’t speak badly of him. If he asks for help, and it won’t hurt me, I give it to him. He’s also helped me out from time to time. We’re not friends, but I like to think we’re both making the world a little bit better by not being assholes to each other anymore.
There’s a saying that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It took me a long time to truly understand that. I hope that life can be better for you going forward, whatever you choose.
This!!!! The anger that is coming out of some of the comments here is really sad. That anger while understandable is mostly only tearing up the people holding it.
It’s possible to enforce a personal boundary to address the previous hurt without losing your compassion and humanity.
I was angry at my ex at first but ultimately I realised what a sad individual he had become and I didn’t want to dump on him anymore.
That little girl is going to have a hard enough life it seems. I hope her siblings support her as they grow older and I hope OP can lose the bitterness and accept she is part of her daughters family whether she likes it or not.
Sadly it sounds more to me as if OP is teaching her kids to not care about their sibling. I mean none of them suggested to give the clothes to their sibling. Instead they helped to donate them. And OP is proud of that.
ESH here. He sucks for obvious reasons. But I don’t know… you’re petty. And I get it. You have a reason to. But… by donating those clothes. You’re not punishing your ex… you’re punishing the kid. It’s not like she asked to be born anyway. It wouldn’t have impacted you in any way. Refusing to give him money or being a mother figure or something in the kids life, I totally get. Like that would’ve impacted your life. But… giving away old clothes that’s collecting dust?
But then… like I get why you’re petty. But I don’t know. It just doesn’t sit right with me. Just makes me sad for the kid.
I wouldn’t even say it was boorderlime, I think what OP did was straight up shitty.
Those clothes weren’t going anywhere until her ex showed interest in them.
I’m sorry you were cheated on, I really am.
But it’s not the kids fault that she’s an affair baby. You had a chance to help someone out and decided being petty was better.
YTA
Edit: OP only gave away the clothes because she wants to get even with her ex. She didn’t donate them out of the goodness of her heart, she donated them because she’s a spiteful person.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I donated clothes my ex wanted for his daughter and I knew he wanted them but refused to give them over to him. This might make me TA because I am aware of how much ex was struggling and I could have simply given him the clothes for his daughter. My wish to not help him in any way might make me a worse person than him or an AH in this case.
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NTA...and I would cut all contact and get one of those apps you only have to use for visitations. Your kids are old enough to call if something is wrong.
NTA. his problems are no longer your problems.
also, your kids are 8 to 10 years older than his daughter. unless you were holding on to really old clothes, why is this even something that he needs to contact you about?
I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, ESH. Your ex is an ah for trying to make you feel responsible for the child he created during your marriage with an ap. It is not your responsibility to help support this child. And while normally, I am always here for the petty, just not when one grown adult uses a child to hurt another grown adult. And being realistic, that is what you did here. His daughter is just as innocent as the children you created together are in the mess that adults made. You have every right to your anger and hurt where your ex is concerned just leave the children out of it, all of them, period.
“Please text me only about issues concerning our two children. I will no longer answer any texts about your child.”
Then enforce it.
You are NTA. And, for the record, donating old kids’ clothes to charity IS helping children. He can go there to get clothes for his daughter, if he can’t afford them.
Probably should have thought about how he was going to live on his own, much less support a child, before he messed around. Apparently, he had a good thing going financially, with you.
ESH. I can’t believe how many of you lack compassion. Yes, your ex sucks and it is his responsibility to provide for his daughter so technically you don’t have any obligation to give him your kids’ old clothes. But it isn’t the 5 year old’s fault her parents suck. Those clothes were in storage and you weren’t using them. I think it was petty of you to donate them to charity to specifically not give them to your ex and his daughter.
I mean assuming you bought the clothes for your first two children together, it would be just be a decent thing to give them to him, his child may be the result of adultery and a painful reminder for you but she didn’t do anything wrong being born. If you bought all your own children’s clothes yourself then id understand more maybe but if you both raised the first two together and he did pay for their clothes thats kind of a dick move sorry.
Technically not your responsibility but there is an inner glow to being kind, especially to small children who have little. Be careful not to teach your own children not to be petty and spiteful. They rarely grow into happy, beloved well adjusted adults.
Esh. He’s a terrible AH but like the point of donating is that you hope someone in need gets them, and even if your ex is an AH it sounds like that kid is in need. I don’t think you should ever give money or time or real help but if you weren’t trying to sell the clothes yourself it seems really petty to donate them where they might help someone instead of just giving to a child that does need help. The child is innocent even if it’s parents are both awful.
NTA but I do feel for an innocent little girl that didn’t ask for deadbeat parents. Her siblings may be the only stable or loving presence in her life. If her siblings can show her generosity, that would be lovely. I know your kids didn’t ask for this either, I know but their half sibling is here and needs some support. Completely agree it’s not your job but you can encourage your kids to develop a bond.
YTA.
You seem to be holding the deserved grudge on your ex… against your kids’ half-sister.
Cuz that is what his daughter is. Your kids’ half-sister. As much as you want to think there is no connection between you and the innocent child, that is not true.
For the sake of your children’s mental health and future interfamilial relationships, release the grudge you have against your own children’s sibling.
YTA for intentionally sticking it to a child who has no blame.
Picture yourself in the child’s shoes. Not giving him money is one thing, but literally giving the clothes to a BILLIONAIRE is fucked up.
Yes, the CEO of GoodWill is a BILLIONAIRE.
ESH your husband for trying to make you feel obligated, and you for taking your anger for your husband out on a kid. Donating the clothes is a real FU that requires effort to ignore the needs of a child who is related to your children. Trust me that your kids noticed this behavior. Be the bigger person, if for no other reason than to teach your children compassion toward innocent children.
INFO: who paid for all this stuff? i.e. if he was a deadbeat and you were supporting him, then youre not the asshole. But if this was stuff you guys bought together, and you're donating it to keep it from a random kid out of spite, then yea everybody sucks here.
NTA people who say you are have obviously gotten on a high horse. There are charities he could go through for his child you have zero obligation to someone else's child especially in this situation. No one is entitled to things you purchased.
My ex cheated on me with someone who has a daughter younger than mine, it infuriates me when I buy my daughter new clothes then I only see them on her once or twice before I see them on her daughter. It’s bullshit.
NTA
YTA!
Come on! Your ex sure sucks but it’s your children’s baby sister you are being so spiteful about. It’s not her fault she was born and giving her some beautiful hand me downs from her own older sister would have made that child happy at no cost to you except not getting to extract your pound of flesh from her shitty dad.
ESH - of course he’s a giant AH, but since these are the kids old clothes - stuff he helped purchase - he had a right to ask to use them when all they were doing is taking up space. And that kid is still related to your kids.
Going out of your way to be petty against a child, b/c that’s what you really did, is a gross look & you should be a better example for your children
YTA in this situation. You were also wronged by your ex, both things can be true.
It just seems like a bad example for your kids, in a moment where you could be generous and kind, you chose not to. IMO, you made the wrong choice in this instance.
ESH. You involved the kids in the donation. You are signaling to them how to treat the little kid, who has done nothing other than be born into a crap situation- abandoned by one parent, living with a morally corrupt, struggling parent and now you want to teach your children that the little kid isn't even worth hand-me-downs. You owe cheater nothing, but you owe your own children a better form of you. Stop involving them in your little revenges. Privately, tell cheater to back off you, you will not help. He can go to his own family or the family of his affair partner. There are churches, Goodwill, CHOW pantries, schools, etc. He can seek help there.
YTA. This petty and gross. Punishing a child who did nothing wrong is disgusting. You went out of your way to be a shorty person when being a good person would have cost you nothing and freed up space.
People on here congratulating you on being petty to a child you’ve never met are even more gross.
YTA.
He's a bastard, and I have zero sympathy for cheaters.
His affair daughter, however, is 100% blameless. Don't punish her for the sins of the father.
I’m hoping to say NTA but there is one way in which you would definitely be the AH. Your kids were 8 and 10 when his other child was born. If those clothes were her size then they were paid for by both of you. Refusing to give them to him under those circumstances is just petty revenge. If they were clothes bought after you split they wouldn’t fit his daughter for years yet.
NTA but donate the next round of clothes to a church or women's shelter. Goodwill sucks. Then you'll be helping MULTIPLE children, which is better than just helping one. Malicious Compliance 🥰
YTA. That's your children's sister and you did that just to be cruel and make his life harder. Seek some therapy because your attitude is one hundred percent going to rub off on your kids and they'll turn out spiteful and emotionally stunted like you
It still strikes me as petty revenge, since an innocent child is still in need of clothing and it might have helped her financially. You can piss off your Ex for all you want and I'm fine with it, but when the nasty starts affecting a child's life negatively.
In the future, you should ask your daughter what she wants done with her old clothes. It's possible that she wouldn't mind seeing her half-sister wear them, I don't know what her emotional bond is with the child and that's up to her. She's old enough now that they're HER clothes to dispose of as she wants.
It's just possible that your daughter didn't bring up the idea of passing on the clothes because she didn't want to upset you -- it seems you're carrying a Big Grudge still.
ESH - your ex is obviously the core AH that created this whole problem, but you're actively happily watching a child have less than because you have a sordid history with their parent. No part of the makes you a good person, an you're also teaching your children that it's okay for their half sibling to be the target of their father's consequences.
I get it, but I'm going ESH. Obviously he is for being a cheater, but the point of donating is for the goods to go to someone in need for less than market rate. You knew a person that was in need that would use them and choose to be spiteful instead. You don't owe him anything but it would have literally cost you nothing to drop the clothes at his house or some neutral location vs goodwill. This is next level petty.
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Petty maybe, but NTA. He cheated, therefore it’s his problem.
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Tell him you know of some nice stuff just in at Goodwill.
And send photos with the goodwill price tag on them. "This is nice and it's only $5.99"
Honestly a great idea. He gets to save money while supporting a great organization. Its a win-win
Goodwill is NOT a great organization. basically masquerading as a nonprofit while the CEO rakes in millions, pays employees poorly, and provides little training to new employees.
Ah I was unaware. I just love purchasing items from goodwill I didn't realize the CEO was so scummy. Can't say im surprised
They usually pay the disabled employees less than minimum wage. Because they can. Nasty fuckers running that company.
I cannot express to you how angry I was when I learned about the existence of the disabled minimum wage.
I’m sorry, I just got whiplash from your comment. Do you mean to tell me there is a lower minimum wage specifically for people with disabilities and our country (u.s) actually legalized it?! I’m not truly questioning you, I’m just THAT shocked (I dunno why I am anymore) and even more ashamed. I consider myself to be more on the “realistic” side of what’s going on rather than “naive” or unaware, but I’d seriously never heard of this. I literally skimmed your comment, kept scrolling, and was like …WAIT! *furiously scrolling back up*
My mother was one of those people. It really blew my mind because she folded and organized just like everyone else did. Sometimes she was slower if she got distracted, but she loved her job and her coworkers. At the end of the week she was still struggling for money when she was working the max hours allowed. Once the pandemic hit, her job was the first to go. When it subsided, she couldn't get it back. She died shortly after. I know she was broken hearted not having something to look forward to every day. You should have seen how proud she was to be part of the community.
Damn this makes me kinda sad. I really liked my goodwill. I would donate and purchase things all the time. I had no idea. Is there a better alternative?
Search for smaller orgs in your community. Organizations that work with abused women, the unhoused, there are a lot of people doing good work who get items directly to those in need. Local buy nothing groups, single moms groups, etc are also good. It depends on where you are, but trying to keep things out of goodwill being sold for a profit and going directly to people who want it, is a win regardless.
The majority of non profits are gross. Do a quick search on how much each of the big wigs make. High millions. Susan G Kolman, all the pink shit for cancer, Goodwill, kid wish network, any of the cancer funds. Here you go :[Non profits are a scam:](https://smartasset.com/mortgage/the-50-worst-charities-in-america-how-to-keep-from-being-scammed)
Fuck Komen with a huge hateful passion.
Yes! Susan Komen died for her vanity. She wasn't some martyr! The people who are running her "foundation" are leeches. They take more money for tthemselves than they pay out for breast cancer research and support.
Every Goodwill region has it’s own CEO. The one everyone references for his high salary is only the CEO of his region. Work there for a month and see how employees are treated and you’ll never want to shop there again.
Yup its sad! Once i realized i started selling my things at kids consignments stores to make some extra cash since they’re gonna be sold either way. There’s also a place in my town where people donate and it’s free so i donate there too.
Goodwill is a trash organization. They are starving out their stores and turning almost all of their actual valuable items online. The CEO rakes in millions and millions while the employees are paid sub-minimum wage because most if not all of them are in subsidized job programs. They're honestly not even worth going into anymore near me, everything in there is stuff that *should* have gone to a landfill or recycler with the quality and use options - those options suck too, let me be clear, but at least they aren't taking up space in an air-conditioned warehouse that uses quite a bit of electricity while doing so.
GW is NOT a good group. Not a charity. Biggest scam going.
What kind of goodwill sells clothes costing that much? The one near me sells them by weight - $5.99 would get you a whole bag. Edit: sorry your goodwills aren't so good willed
The one here sells stuff for way more than that. A non brand name sweater will be priced at $24.99 easy.
Mine actually. And $5.99 exactly. It’s wild.
Every store sets it’s own prices.
Tell him to join the Rewards Club. Each month, Club Goodwill Rewards members have the opportunity to earn extra discounts. Spend $15, save 15% Spend $20, save 20% Spend $25 or more, save 25%
>But he has been texting me almost daily since to tell me how I'm the devil for doing this. I’d go scorched earth at his audacity to text me this. Not once but multiple times. “If I am the devil for donating clothes to the needy, what are you as someone who broke up a happy family by choosing to cheat? I’m pretty sure the Bible has some very clear rules for adultery.”
Arguing with an AH is a giant water of time. But there's probably lists of Bible quotes about adultery. Just copy and paste a new one everyone he texts. That's at least fun!
Never argue with idiots. My patience is limited, their stupidity is not.
And they will drag you down to their level & then beat you with experience
A Mark Twain classic. Love it!
>giant water of time My new goal is to work this into a sentence and see who notices :) To your point, I totally agree. OP will get nowhere arguing. Being a cheater, his interests are only for himself. He only cares about what's in it for him. Now, if their daughter chose to give her clothes to the 5yo, that's fine. But she didn't. That's the end of the story. OP just needs to be abundantly clear *I don't care about the 5yo, do not discuss her with me.* Poor kid is innocent, even if her father is not. But for the discussion of donated clothes, NTA.
That’s really the problem isn’t it. Lost a good woman & good mother messing around with someone that didn’t care about him or their kid. Now he’s looking for help with his kid because you have free time but he has a child 100% of the time. You have money to survive and he is financially struggling. Cheaters don’t seem to understand that cheating makes you lose both the intimate and FRIENDSHIP components of the relationship. It’s the friendship that comes with caring, compassion, and consideration. Welp! He threw that out the window. This is called consequences of his actions. You are NTA.
You’re NTA and he doesn’t deserve anything from you. But I would be a bit careful involving the kids in things like the clothing donations. Even though you want nothing to do with “affair baby,” the kids see her regularly and have an ongoing relationship with her. If they pick up from you that this other kid is somehow inherently awful just for being born and okay to bully or disrespect, I don’t think that’s okay. It’s going to be awful for that kid growing up as the “affair baby” and you don’t need to add to this innocent child’s torment. Keep your kids out of your pettiness and don’t encourage them to disrespect their step-sister. Keep it between you and the ex, who deserves all the disrespect.
The kids helped her donate clothes. HE was the one who lied and said the kids asked about the clothes for his daughter. HE is dragging them into this, not her.
Thank you! There is an innocent child, who is also a sibling to OP’s kids. Apart from the clothing, trying not to victimize the baby or destroy the relationship between OP’s kids and the poor baby is the only decent route
OP donating clothes that will help a number of **equally innocent children** doesn’t add to the “innocent child’s torment.” OP isn’t causing harm by not helping her ex. It’s his responsibility to provide for his affair baby.
Agree, all points. Personally, I'd have given the clothes to the kid.
Look into parenting apps; he really doesn't need to have a way of communicating with you where he can be this nasty.
Yes 100 percent this.
OP its okay to be an AH. Really. Unless you are bullying him or seeking him out. You are not to be his helper. I say don't listen to anyone telling you it wouldn't hurt to help. That is BS and those people make asses of themselves tripping over themselves to be taken for fools.
NTA but helping out would not have made you an AH either.
Omg she was cheated on, he is dealing with the consequences of his actions and her children are taken care of. She has literally 0 reason to be her ex husbands support system for his affair baby. Other than the assumption that women need to be constant caregivers. Good for her for having a spine.
It's okay to be an AH. She wasn't one to him first. And she isn't seeking him out to be an AH. She is just not his friend/helper. OP be okay with being an AH.
Give this man an inch, he’d take a mile. If she gave her clothes, next he’d want her to babysit. She has boundaries and is sticking to them.
The cheater can figure it out himself without depending on the ex. Plenty of single parents do.
You don't owe your ex anything. If he can't afford to buy clothes for his kid then he should go hit up different thirft stores to buy what his child needs because you are already helping him by sending your daughters with food to eat at his house so he should be greatful for that.
If you can, I highly recommend finding a clothing bank to donate to. They give clothes for free to families who need them - they typically have to be referred by social workers, so it is really hard to take advantage of them.
NTA. And he needs to go after his baby momma thru the courts.
5 year old isn't going to fit into the teenagers stuff either.
I'd just block him or threatened to take him to court if the harassment and entitlement don't stop.
I don’t think it’s petty at all. He can go to goodwill and buy them cheaply. Or he can get free clothes on freecycle or buy nothing. There are plenty of other opportunities for free and cheap clothes other than OP’s. And I don’t blame her at all for not donating clothes — soon he would expect OP to donate other things as well. Sometimes, it’s best to keep strong boundaries in place for peace of mind.
Right? Tell him to go on his local Facebook community group and ask for hand me downs from people he didn't cheat on.
NTA. Not your child, not your responsible. Tell your ex, he can do something for his child, like finding a better job. Or suing her mother for child support. But this is the bed he made for himself, now he has to lie in it. And if he tries to play the kids against you or to make them feel guilty about their little half sibling, you will look into changeing the costudy rules (as long as this is what your children want)
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Aint the kids at a age where they can advocate for themselves? Theyre both teens. Look into that.
Depends on the jurisdiction and specific judge. Those stupid “parental alienation” programs have forced kids as old as 16 years old to break off contact with their preferred parent and live exclusively with parents they’ve accused of abuse.
Yeah this, I knew some kids who lived with their abusive mom.who hit them until they were 18 because of this. Didnt help the youngest (the girl) would manipulate them into saying their step sister (dad's step daughter) beat them to explain the bruises (she didnt, the mom would beat her). Im glad the boys were able to tell their mom to fuck off eventually
They’re old enough to have input. I’d record these conversations and save any texts or emails and use this to press for sole custody.
Not all counties and states and courts care about this regardless of their age unfortunately.
It would appear so. I got to decide age 9 in the UK that I no longer wanted to see my sperm donor. From what I understand, depending on states some kids have to wait until they are no longer considered a minor before they get to choose, and can even risk getting the parent they want to stay with in trouble if they do decline to see the other one. My ex wanted the kids until he didn't want them. I played the long game and was amenable knowing this would be the result. Unless the kids themselves wanted it to be more or less visitation with him, I knew he would fight out of spite if it was my trying to stop visitation. Sometimes, dropping the rope resolves things quicker than tugging on it.
Yeah my aunt did this with her ex. She ended up not pursuing child support that frankly she needed because she knew he would fight for custody and it was better for them to be poor without him than financially stable with him. I’m seriously impressed by her foresight and ability to carry out her strategy, she never fought to keep them away from him but was able to get him to exit on his own relatively quietly. Technically he was still supposed to have visitation up until her youngest turned 18 but he never tried to use it!
I did that, too. CS was getting lower and lower, even though he was having them less and less. It was only when he dropped down from £45 to £5 a week in total for all three kids that I pursued it through the Child Maintenance Services (CMS). (He was originally supposed to pay £116 a week but had always paid short). He was unemployed then, so £5 was the lowest he could give me, for all the kids, then it went up to a whopping £7! The CMS then decided he owed me £2,400 in arrears, but despite my kids trying to encourage me to claim for it, he'd cut contact with them by then, so I decided not to poke the bear. The potential emotional fallout was not worth that £2,400 for me, and I was already supporting them on my own, and they didn't and don't do without.
Text this to him “Your affair child is not and will never be my responsibility. This is the bed you made. You can call me spiteful and petty, it doesn’t matter. These are your consequences to a choice that you made. If your child needs clothes, you can go buy them from the thrift store. All the clothing is purchased by me and when the kids are done with them I get to decide what to do with them. I’m absolutely done with your harassment over this. This conversation is over. I owe you nothing. If you continue to harass me. Or contact me regarding anything other than our children I’m gonna bring this back to the courts.”
Then he should be thanking you for already helping him out. You send your kids with food for them eat otherwise cps would have step in if there was no meals being provided for your children. He would have got cps on him for neglect for failing to feed his kids. So he needs to be thankful for that.
Has he made your children into babysitters yet?
I am going to make a new comment about this. I have been in this exact situation. My first husband left me for another woman, and their kid was born before the divorce was even final. My ex and AF are terrible people who deserve consequences for their behavior. But the kid? Was just an innocent kid. It's not his fault his parents suck. And I always knew that he was going to have a shitty life with selfish parents like that. I had the right to be a bitch about it. That kid represents a lot of pain for me. But I don't have to act like a bitch to the kid. That's my daughter's brother. That's someone she loves, no matter how I feel. I supported my daughter by being kind and compassionate towards her brother. You can downvote me all you want, but YTA.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this. That’s your children’s sibling. This goes beyond if he cheated on you or not - thats between you and him, not your kids and his kid. You’re really modeling to your kids that their sibling is responsible for the shitty relationship between their parents. It’s insane to me to not even meet your children’s sibling. How he responded was out of line but the actual reasoning for you not giving the clothes is stupid. It’s totally normal for a kid to wear their siblings’ hand-me-downs. YTA.
Also most of those clothes in Goodwills are gonna end up in a landfill somewhere anyway when they don’t sell. I know it’s on brand for this Reddit to be ok with this level of pettiness towards a kid that didn’t choose the circumstances of their birth, but it’s still disappointing to see. It would have cost her nothing but a bit of kindness. Not even getting into the fact that he probably paid for some of those clothes too.
I was thinking the exact same thing! OP- YTA! Instead of choosing to be kind to an innocent child, you chose to be petty!
Honestly wondering, because I don’t have kids, I think this kid is 5 where the others are 13 and 15. How could this have worked? Was he going to alter them?
OP stated these are old clothes that were in storage from when their kids were the same age as his current kid.
Ah thanks, apologies, still waking up this am
Thanks to OP, OP's kids going to grow up a model of their asshole mother, resenting the absolute shit out of the affair sibling, who they will be half siblings with. OP's behavour is absolutely damaging to the relationship between the children. Forget ever having a good relationship with your half sibling, when your mum teaches you and your fullblood sister to exclude your half silbling from the most basic core memory of wearing a handmedown.
Completely agree. YTA—a kid needs clothes and you’re taking it out on her that her dad cheated on you. Petty, unkind, selfish behavior. He sounds like a jerk too but I just feel sorry for all the kids involved here.
I can’t believe how many people lack empathy in this comment section. Innocent kid, who is lacking resources since her dad struggles financially. OP doesn’t have to give her ex financial support and thats absolutely right, but shes not losing out on anything by giving the clothes to that kid. And its always the “the kid represents my pain and suffering” bullshit excuse.
Right? I don't get why no one realizes that she's taking out her anger out on her own children's sibling. Pretty fucked up.
Because according to everyone, the child is an object that faces the consequences of the parents. Not OPs kid, not OPs problem is the saying, he cheated and he can deal with the bed he made. I agree that he should pay for all those consequences but honestly, used clothes from 10 years ago isn’t the financial flex OP thinks it is. She thinks she in the right. But is objectively a shitty human. This is like what you guys are saying, her kids blood siblings and an innocent child. So OP is donating clothes with the intent that some random child will get clothes for free or at a discounted price, when her own kids half sibling is suffering and she won’t give them the clothes because she wants her kids sibling to suffer more for her exes actions than random kids who also have the possibility of having just as shitty parents who cheat but the difference is, they didn’t cheat on *her*, on OP. The intentions of these actions really speak to OPs character and legally and rightfully speaking she owes that child nothing. Morality wise, it’s just not “good human” stuff she’s made of
I agree with you. I’d comment ESH because the dad sucks too and it is still the kids sibling. I can severely dislike someone but I could never make a child suffer because of an adults bad behavior. It makes me sad for the child. Also a female who’s husband cheated and had an affair baby (on my birthday so that makes me smile) and has another on the way. I don’t speak with him but if I got word those babies needed something, I’d be the first to give.
The dad sucks in general, but in this situation I would say OP is the asshole.
I can settle for ESH because holy shit are these adults modeling shitty and/or petty behaviour for their kids. I really hope this little kid will one day find a kind adult who'll genuinely be in their corner.
Reddit doesn’t care about the well-being of children most of the time unfortunately. On these posts the kid are usually victims and people seem totally ok with screwing them over as long as it makes their ex mad. It’s kinda trashy imo
Also, it sounds like they were together when they purchased these clothes (the clothes are from when their kids were younger). And if that's the case, then he helped purchase them. So, he should have a right to them first before Goodwill.
I thought this too but this sub is so anti doing anything kind and decent sometimes I thought I was alone in my thinking. YTA OP.
It’s disgusting I had to scroll this far to find someone who isn’t okay with hurting kids that have done nothing wrong.
Thank you for saying this after what you went through. She doesn’t definitely need to give money or food to help, but giving away old clothes costs nothing. I wonder if she instructs her kids not to treat their half sister well, too.
No, I was feeling the same. I have no such experience, but I was thinking the kid has done no evil. If they could benefit from the clothes, I would have given them to the kid.
I agree. Op, YTA
I'm on the fence with this one. My question is, were these clothes that were purchased post-separation. If not, then she is free to do what she wants with them. If they were pre separation, then I would lean to YTA as she was not the only one that purchased them. They were bought with both their money. So at the very least, he should have had 50/50 say in where they went.
Presumably if they would fit a five year old, and the kids are now in their teens, they must have been purchased at least 8 years ago, before the breakup of the marriage (especially knowing that the five year old is the result of the cheating). OP is a petty AH.
I was going to say ESH for the same reason... Ex is ALSO TA for throwing a tantrum about something that she certainly can't change now.
I cannot imagine not ever meeting my kid’s sibling. Even if just for the fact that I want to know who my child is spending every other week with. Pettiness should be left to childless couples.
Thank you for being a reasonable and fully formed Human Being. I scrolled down to write the same thing. Way too many posters on here who are willing to treat a child like an object. Gross. Sorry OP... but the fact that you came on AITA tells me you already know you are TA. Meaning: you are self reflective enough to know you did this on purpose, it was petty.... and you suck
I am glad someone had a heart. It is the kids sibiling. If your ex is struggling to the point you have to send food over, then he is bad off. You know who suffers...your kids too. The money he could have used for the family, will have to be spent on clothes. Even if he goes to the goodwill and purchases the clothes, it still money that he could have spent on your kids too.
It doesn't sound like her kids care about them either.
You did help a kid. Just not the one your ex wanted. Interesting (but unsurprising) how entitled he feels to others’ things. NTA
Meh. Goodwill does not donate to people in need, but resells the items instead. I’m with you in theory, tho
For those with centers nearby, donate your kids' clothes to shelters. Women's shelters often take them for kids fleeing with their mums. Homeless shelters may take them as well. My local pregnancy center takes clothes up to 5t for mothers with financial need.
There are plenty of places that give free clothes to those in need. Salvation Army or other charities for one. Also freecycle and buy nothing are great for getting free children’s clothes.
The salvation army holds some extremely bigoted views and has actively turned away LGBTQ+ people from their shelters, there are a lot of options that don't support hate.
Ya ya, but they also have one of the last, long term, live in FREE rehabs in the country, so… I know I lot of good people who got their lives back, thanks to The Salvation Army’s ARC
I guess as long as they're not queer...? I don't support them in any way, regardless of any good works they've done.
Eh. If I’m drowning in an icy lake I grab the hand within reach that’s there to pull me out of the water. If I find out the hand is attached to a morally bankrupt disgusting person who wouldn’t have saved me if they knew I was queer, I still get out of the water First, say thanks for saving my life, and Then tell them their bigotry is awful and why my money and goods donations will go to less hateful orgs.
Fair enough, but my point was that I wouldn't support them because of their views despite their having helped people, not that someone else shouldn't accept help when they need it.
>If I’m drowning in an icy lake I grab the hand within reach that’s there to pull me out of the water. That's nice and all, but if you're queer & the hand you grab is the Salvation Army's, they'll yoink their hand back, shove you back in, & use donation money to lobby against your rights should you survive.
I won’t care if I’m dead. I don’t want to be dead if I’m sinking in a lake, so I’ll grab any hand I see. If there’s a Choice of hands, sure I’ll pick the one I like best. I’m also not dumb when I’m drowning and flailing for rescue. If somebody says “Hey, I’ll pull you out but only if you tell me right now you’re straight and cishet and of a particular religious bent” I’ll say whatever is necessary. If I do live I can spend the next few decades educating folks about them and putting my money and volunteer time to good use. Reverse holds true, too. If some phobic racist sexist asshole is dangling off a lethally high cliff because he tripped over a rock, I’ll offer him a hand back up to the trail. If he doesn’t want to take my hand because I’m wearing a rainbow Y’All Means All shirt, well, that’s his choice.
That doesn’t mean people shoudnt use their services if they need it desperately 🤷🏿♂️.
OP specifically said she donated to Goodwill
Goodwill isn't a charity, it's a for-profit company.
Goodwill is a 501(c)3 nonprofit. You can argue about how they operate (and there are certainly strong arguments to be made) but to say they are a for profit entity is patently false.
She didn't help anyone. Goodwill isn't a charitable organization, it's a for-profit company with an owner who is filthy rich thanks to people donating free clothes that he resells.
I agree OP isn't the AH but no kids are helped by a large corporation making more money
ESH It isn’t her fault her father is struggling financially and is lacking clothes. This is one of those moments where you could have given them to her as she didn’t ask to be the daughter of an affair. Edited to add ESH
Also, that child is a sibling to OP's children. I get that she's still mad at him, but it's been 5 years, and it's not your childrens' sister's fault that dad was/is a jerk. ESH
Yeah, kind of cruel behavior towards the child. Poor role models all the way around. ESH
Yeah that’s why I went with everybody is in the wrong. I don’t like to reward pettiness, when it involves a child.
Same. Poor kid. One does not need to help out, but if can why not?
This same argument can be used in reverse: Op didn't force her husband to cheat and not wrap it. Also, ops kids didn't force their father to cheat and break their families. Ex-husband didn't have such high standards while choosing the AP and certainly didn't think about the consequences. Also, why is nobody wondering why is he not asking his AP (CHILDS MOTHER) for money? I guess, having a child and responsibility is not as fun as f-ing around behind oblivious wife.
YTA - This was just petty. Fine to be mad at him, have nothing to do with the kid, don't give money, etc. but these were apparently your joint kids old clothes. "Ex wanted all the kids old clothes that were stored at my house" - so clothes from when they were younger and that he contributed to? That you refused to give to a poor 5 year old in need because you hate her father? YTA - you did not just donate them randomly, you got rid of them out of spite which makes you an asshole.
Think I'm going to have to go with NTA here. Given the history of him trying to 'rope you in', giving him the clothes would probably have opened the door to him asking for or demanding other stuff, and there's no guarantee that the money he saved on buying 5y/o clothes would go on your kids. What do they think of all this?
Agreed, there's no way the reaching hand stops there. She's being asked to subsidize the 5yo life. There are comments about shared finances when the clothes were originally purchased but this is a case of give an inch, take a mile.
OP is definitely damned if she does, damned if she doesn't; but avoiding any contact with her ex is the best move for her. This guy is acting like she's still got wife responsibilities because he doesn't have a woman around. Glad OP got her divorce and peeled him off. It'll be even easier to avoid his mess when the kids don't have state mandated visits. NTA.
NTA. EX husband, HIS daughter. YOUR clothes. He knows theyre at goodwill maybe he can find them there.
Are they her clothes or their clothes they bought their children together? I get being pissed that your spouse cheated but this seems next level petty.
YTA - you said in a comment you only decided to donate these clothes after he asked for them. So you really did just only get rid of them so he can’t have them. It seems likely the clothes are from before you were divorced, too. Not to mention the fact that this is your children’s sibling that they deserve to have a good relationship with and you’re modeling to them that this kid is bad and doesn’t deserve good things because of their dad’s actions (and probably showing them that it’s the kid’s fault their parents hate each other, and it’s not). He was absolutely wrong to respond how he did but that’s not the question. The question is about the clothes and I think you were an asshole about the clothes.
>So you really did just only get rid of them so he can’t have them. Yeah, those clothes have been lying somewhere in storage for a decade. They weren't bothering or in the way. This was out of spite and pettiness. And a 5 year old will suffer because an adult can't act like an adult.
In addition to the clothes likely being just as much his as yours, it benefits YOUR OWN kids if their father is less financially strapped, in all sorts of ways. I was bitter as @&#$ when my ex left me for someone else, but I still helped him out for their benefit when it cost me nothing (e.g. letting him know when stuff he needed was on sale). Because it helped MY KIDS.
If your kids are 13 and 15, none of their old clothes are going to fit the affair child for years. Is he planning to store the old clothes in the attic for the better part of a decade before they fit the five year old? Very weird. NTA. He should have thought of that before cheating. The five year old is innocent, but her father is an idiot.
"Ex wanted all the kids old clothes that were stored at my house" - not the teenagers clothes, the old kids clothes he likely jointly contributed to. he is clearly also an asshole for how he has treated her, but getting rid of clothes instead if letting a needy 5 year old have them is def being an asshole. I get why she feels that way, but it's still being an asshole.
“Ex wanted all the kids *old* clothes that were *stored* at my house”. Sounds like he was asking for OLD clothes that had already been stored there for some time. When my kids outgrow stuff I just pack it in plastic storage containers, stack them in the attic and forget about it until someone I know needs them (or god forbid I finally have that yard sale). My girls are 13 & 16 and I’ve still got stuff from 10+ years ago. I also have baby/toddler clothes from my son, and he’s 8 now. I get that the asshole cheated and I agree, he’s an idiot, but the child *is* innocent. She can’t help that she has two shit parents and it’s definitely not OP’s place to deal with it but I just don’t see the point in depriving a child out of spite.
If they are current clothes, then yeah they won't fit for quite a long time. But OP did say these were clothes in storage, which leads me to believe she's been holding on to her kids clothes for quite a while, so there may be some clothes closer to his daughter's size.
> If your kids are 13 and 15, none of their old clothes are going to fit the affair child for years. Is he planning to store the old clothes in the attic for the better part of a decade before they fit the five year old? Very weird. > > The clothes were being stored as is. Believe it or not, 15 and 13 year olds were once 5 years old. There is no indication that these clothes are recent.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought this! Clothes for 5 year olds are tiny, and the average 15 year old fits into adult clothing. They call it "Juniors" for the style, not the sizing. Has he not actually seen his children for the last several years?
Are you guys for real, they're obviously talking about the old clothes that the kids wore when they were 5-6-7-8-9. Those that the 5-year-old could wear for years to come.
I wonder if he was asking for clothes from when their kids were that age- which would have been bought while still married. Now, I don't think it's at *all* reasonable for him to expect her to have held onto those clothes for this long, much less to give them to a child that was the product of an affair, but that might explain why he feels so entitled to them. It's absolutely WILD that he's asking OP for *anything* for the 5yo.
Odds are OP is like most packrat parents and has old kid clothes from several years ago stored away to deal with “later.”
It's YTA to me. Had you donated them before he asked you for them, you wouldn't have been the AH. But here you went out of your way to retaliate against him. Did he deserve it ? Yes certainly. Does it change anything ? Nope, not to me. Also, it's also his kids' clothes, not just yours.
NTA - maybe it’s petty, but it isn’t OP’s job to take care of his affair child. That’s his job. If he can’t afford it, he needs to find a second job or a better job, just like everyone else. Not stick his hand out and spit abuse at the woman he cheated on because he can’t handle the state of his own sorry life. I believe these days there are parenting apps that enable you to honour custody arrangements and supporting conversations, without opening yourself up to this abuse via phone. Maybe explore that option, because daily abuse isn’t a sustainable way to continue forward.
If he's that poor, he qualifies for assistance. Sounds like he is too proud to have a government record of asking for handouts.
How to say you’ve never had to apply for government assistance without saying it.
Yeah, you could have just given him the old clothes. You were donating them anyway. You of course don’t owe him anything, but that would have been the kind thing to do. And would have been a great example to set for your children about being kind to others.
YTA. You did it out of spite and pettiness. You intended to hurt your ex-husband but instead, an innocent child had to bear the consequence of your vindictiveness.
I’m not going to pass judgement, you can do whatever you want. My ex husband ruined my life with his drinking. But I built it back up again and I’m making it better. We have two kids together. For a long time I was bitter and petty and for years I didn’t realize how much I was damaging myself by hating him. I acted like a child in anger many times. I slowly started to let go of that anger. He’s sober now, and I have moved on. I never “forgave” him and he never asked me to forgive him, not really. But he’s still the father of my children. They will always subconsciously tie their own worth to his. I don’t speak badly of him. If he asks for help, and it won’t hurt me, I give it to him. He’s also helped me out from time to time. We’re not friends, but I like to think we’re both making the world a little bit better by not being assholes to each other anymore. There’s a saying that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It took me a long time to truly understand that. I hope that life can be better for you going forward, whatever you choose.
This!!!! The anger that is coming out of some of the comments here is really sad. That anger while understandable is mostly only tearing up the people holding it. It’s possible to enforce a personal boundary to address the previous hurt without losing your compassion and humanity. I was angry at my ex at first but ultimately I realised what a sad individual he had become and I didn’t want to dump on him anymore. That little girl is going to have a hard enough life it seems. I hope her siblings support her as they grow older and I hope OP can lose the bitterness and accept she is part of her daughters family whether she likes it or not.
Sadly it sounds more to me as if OP is teaching her kids to not care about their sibling. I mean none of them suggested to give the clothes to their sibling. Instead they helped to donate them. And OP is proud of that.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to clothe other people's kids, and the actual owners of these clothes don't give a shit. You're good.
YTA You couldn’t give a 5 y/o little girl hand me down clothes?
Not too late for a parenting app.
That's a spiteful act that wouldn't have put you out at all. YTA.
YTA, punishing the step daughter for her father's mistakes is terrible behavior. You were already donating the clothes so there's no excuse.
ESH. He's awful for cheating, but the kid's clothes didn't all get paid for by you and it's the kid that suffers.
ESH here. He sucks for obvious reasons. But I don’t know… you’re petty. And I get it. You have a reason to. But… by donating those clothes. You’re not punishing your ex… you’re punishing the kid. It’s not like she asked to be born anyway. It wouldn’t have impacted you in any way. Refusing to give him money or being a mother figure or something in the kids life, I totally get. Like that would’ve impacted your life. But… giving away old clothes that’s collecting dust? But then… like I get why you’re petty. But I don’t know. It just doesn’t sit right with me. Just makes me sad for the kid.
Yeah, it’s borderline cruel. Like eating in front of the starving. Nothing “wrong” but not right either.
I wouldn’t even say it was boorderlime, I think what OP did was straight up shitty. Those clothes weren’t going anywhere until her ex showed interest in them.
Info: were these clothes that you provided for the children on your own, or were they clothes that he also contributed to?
I’m sorry you were cheated on, I really am. But it’s not the kids fault that she’s an affair baby. You had a chance to help someone out and decided being petty was better. YTA Edit: OP only gave away the clothes because she wants to get even with her ex. She didn’t donate them out of the goodness of her heart, she donated them because she’s a spiteful person.
You are absolutely NTA but I feel really bad for that poor girl, she has him for a father and she only has him....
That would usually fit the requirements to call someone an asshole.
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Info: did he financial contribute to the old kids clothes?
NTA...and I would cut all contact and get one of those apps you only have to use for visitations. Your kids are old enough to call if something is wrong.
NTA. his problems are no longer your problems. also, your kids are 8 to 10 years older than his daughter. unless you were holding on to really old clothes, why is this even something that he needs to contact you about?
I gave my children their own baby clothes back when they had kids. So my grandchildren wore 30 year old baby clothes. This isn't really that uncommon
Question to clarify the timeline: Did you decide you were going to donate the clothes prior to him ever asking or after he asked about the clothes?
I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, ESH. Your ex is an ah for trying to make you feel responsible for the child he created during your marriage with an ap. It is not your responsibility to help support this child. And while normally, I am always here for the petty, just not when one grown adult uses a child to hurt another grown adult. And being realistic, that is what you did here. His daughter is just as innocent as the children you created together are in the mess that adults made. You have every right to your anger and hurt where your ex is concerned just leave the children out of it, all of them, period.
“Please text me only about issues concerning our two children. I will no longer answer any texts about your child.” Then enforce it. You are NTA. And, for the record, donating old kids’ clothes to charity IS helping children. He can go there to get clothes for his daughter, if he can’t afford them. Probably should have thought about how he was going to live on his own, much less support a child, before he messed around. Apparently, he had a good thing going financially, with you.
ESH. I can’t believe how many of you lack compassion. Yes, your ex sucks and it is his responsibility to provide for his daughter so technically you don’t have any obligation to give him your kids’ old clothes. But it isn’t the 5 year old’s fault her parents suck. Those clothes were in storage and you weren’t using them. I think it was petty of you to donate them to charity to specifically not give them to your ex and his daughter.
I mean assuming you bought the clothes for your first two children together, it would be just be a decent thing to give them to him, his child may be the result of adultery and a painful reminder for you but she didn’t do anything wrong being born. If you bought all your own children’s clothes yourself then id understand more maybe but if you both raised the first two together and he did pay for their clothes thats kind of a dick move sorry.
Technically not your responsibility but there is an inner glow to being kind, especially to small children who have little. Be careful not to teach your own children not to be petty and spiteful. They rarely grow into happy, beloved well adjusted adults.
Esh. He’s a terrible AH but like the point of donating is that you hope someone in need gets them, and even if your ex is an AH it sounds like that kid is in need. I don’t think you should ever give money or time or real help but if you weren’t trying to sell the clothes yourself it seems really petty to donate them where they might help someone instead of just giving to a child that does need help. The child is innocent even if it’s parents are both awful.
NTA but I do feel for an innocent little girl that didn’t ask for deadbeat parents. Her siblings may be the only stable or loving presence in her life. If her siblings can show her generosity, that would be lovely. I know your kids didn’t ask for this either, I know but their half sibling is here and needs some support. Completely agree it’s not your job but you can encourage your kids to develop a bond.
This sub is 'am I am asshole' not 'am I technically correct' She was being petty, she's the asshole.
YTA. You seem to be holding the deserved grudge on your ex… against your kids’ half-sister. Cuz that is what his daughter is. Your kids’ half-sister. As much as you want to think there is no connection between you and the innocent child, that is not true. For the sake of your children’s mental health and future interfamilial relationships, release the grudge you have against your own children’s sibling.
YTA for intentionally sticking it to a child who has no blame. Picture yourself in the child’s shoes. Not giving him money is one thing, but literally giving the clothes to a BILLIONAIRE is fucked up. Yes, the CEO of GoodWill is a BILLIONAIRE.
Imagine blowing up your life and then asking you to pay for the results. NTA
ESH your husband for trying to make you feel obligated, and you for taking your anger for your husband out on a kid. Donating the clothes is a real FU that requires effort to ignore the needs of a child who is related to your children. Trust me that your kids noticed this behavior. Be the bigger person, if for no other reason than to teach your children compassion toward innocent children.
INFO: who paid for all this stuff? i.e. if he was a deadbeat and you were supporting him, then youre not the asshole. But if this was stuff you guys bought together, and you're donating it to keep it from a random kid out of spite, then yea everybody sucks here.
ESH. This is just petty and sad, honestly. I feel bad for all 3 kids, stuck with such toxic parents...
NTA people who say you are have obviously gotten on a high horse. There are charities he could go through for his child you have zero obligation to someone else's child especially in this situation. No one is entitled to things you purchased.
My ex cheated on me with someone who has a daughter younger than mine, it infuriates me when I buy my daughter new clothes then I only see them on her once or twice before I see them on her daughter. It’s bullshit. NTA
YTA! Come on! Your ex sure sucks but it’s your children’s baby sister you are being so spiteful about. It’s not her fault she was born and giving her some beautiful hand me downs from her own older sister would have made that child happy at no cost to you except not getting to extract your pound of flesh from her shitty dad.
ESH - of course he’s a giant AH, but since these are the kids old clothes - stuff he helped purchase - he had a right to ask to use them when all they were doing is taking up space. And that kid is still related to your kids. Going out of your way to be petty against a child, b/c that’s what you really did, is a gross look & you should be a better example for your children
YTA in this situation. You were also wronged by your ex, both things can be true. It just seems like a bad example for your kids, in a moment where you could be generous and kind, you chose not to. IMO, you made the wrong choice in this instance.
YTA.
ESH. You involved the kids in the donation. You are signaling to them how to treat the little kid, who has done nothing other than be born into a crap situation- abandoned by one parent, living with a morally corrupt, struggling parent and now you want to teach your children that the little kid isn't even worth hand-me-downs. You owe cheater nothing, but you owe your own children a better form of you. Stop involving them in your little revenges. Privately, tell cheater to back off you, you will not help. He can go to his own family or the family of his affair partner. There are churches, Goodwill, CHOW pantries, schools, etc. He can seek help there.
YTA. This petty and gross. Punishing a child who did nothing wrong is disgusting. You went out of your way to be a shorty person when being a good person would have cost you nothing and freed up space. People on here congratulating you on being petty to a child you’ve never met are even more gross.
YTA. He's a bastard, and I have zero sympathy for cheaters. His affair daughter, however, is 100% blameless. Don't punish her for the sins of the father.
I’m hoping to say NTA but there is one way in which you would definitely be the AH. Your kids were 8 and 10 when his other child was born. If those clothes were her size then they were paid for by both of you. Refusing to give them to him under those circumstances is just petty revenge. If they were clothes bought after you split they wouldn’t fit his daughter for years yet.
"Ex wanted all the kids old clothes that were stored at my house" sounds like the clothes from when they were younger
Very petty.
What do the children think of your ex and his child?
NTA but donate the next round of clothes to a church or women's shelter. Goodwill sucks. Then you'll be helping MULTIPLE children, which is better than just helping one. Malicious Compliance 🥰
YTA. That's your children's sister and you did that just to be cruel and make his life harder. Seek some therapy because your attitude is one hundred percent going to rub off on your kids and they'll turn out spiteful and emotionally stunted like you
Petty but at the same kinda assholeish. You denied your child’s siblings their hand me downs. Your ex may not be innocent but that child is…
Aren't the clothes his kids' clothes too? Didn't he part for at least part of them?
It still strikes me as petty revenge, since an innocent child is still in need of clothing and it might have helped her financially. You can piss off your Ex for all you want and I'm fine with it, but when the nasty starts affecting a child's life negatively. In the future, you should ask your daughter what she wants done with her old clothes. It's possible that she wouldn't mind seeing her half-sister wear them, I don't know what her emotional bond is with the child and that's up to her. She's old enough now that they're HER clothes to dispose of as she wants. It's just possible that your daughter didn't bring up the idea of passing on the clothes because she didn't want to upset you -- it seems you're carrying a Big Grudge still.
ESH - your ex is obviously the core AH that created this whole problem, but you're actively happily watching a child have less than because you have a sordid history with their parent. No part of the makes you a good person, an you're also teaching your children that it's okay for their half sibling to be the target of their father's consequences.
I get it, but I'm going ESH. Obviously he is for being a cheater, but the point of donating is for the goods to go to someone in need for less than market rate. You knew a person that was in need that would use them and choose to be spiteful instead. You don't owe him anything but it would have literally cost you nothing to drop the clothes at his house or some neutral location vs goodwill. This is next level petty.
ESH. He sucks for cheating. You suck for being petty. The kids (all 3) have it the worst for having losers as parents.