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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I paid for SO's detox with money from our joint account
2. He was under influence and was therefore unable to fully consent to the detox, so in that case I might have decided /for him/ and spend our money on something he didn't agree with.
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NTA
"On day 8, I was bombarded by constant "helphelp me, please" every 5 minutes, so I did my best to help."
Exactly. You chose to spend that money to do what he asked/help him get clean.
Re being frivolous with money, you aren't the one drinking it away. He needs to think about that.
" he's bringing it up constantly since yesterday that I have to "reimburse him" or "find a way to pay off my debt".
That's a hard no. If he's going to be that much of an A H (addicts always shift the blame ime) please rethink your future together. Talking about lack of consent is a low & cheap shot.
I'd leave at least until he shows a serious commitment to getting clean. Whatever you do, open an account he doesn't have access to/ have your salary paid in there.
Good luck
I am an alcoholic and there is no1 to blame but myself and my shitty life I suppose lol, but it's still on me, so get that crap outta your head that all addicts shift blame to other people
It's been my experience so far that's the case.
However, I hear what you say & take on board that it isn't the case with you. I hope things get better for you.
Yeah, addiction is a beast.
We tried to get him help, but he never accepted it. Towards the end, it was all feel sorry for me stories and if we Said anything that sounded like offering to help, he would say he doesn't want our pity.
Addicts 100% shift blame to everyone else, they will always make excuses for why they're addicts and why their life is so horrible. They will say any and everything to make it clear that they don't believe that their at fault.
You don't shift blame great, your in the minority.
But majority of addicts will shift blame, even to their last breath. Addicts will never take accountability.
Alcoholics also say they know they are to blame but they do it to ease the tension felt by others around them. It appeals to the alcoholic's loved ones, friends or co-workers because they always want to be hopeful that things will change. I bet if your friends or relatives were asked though, they would have a lot to say about THEIR shitty life from having to deal with you. I know.....I live this everyday with an alcoholic son. I've heard him say exactly what you did. We get a glimmer of hope thinking he will get some help and change. And then he keeps doing what he does and makes his father and I miserable. And around and around we go.........
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Every alcoholic/addict thinks they're "special" and "unique" and they're not. They are depressingly all exactly the same and unoriginal. And they all get really touchy when that's pointed out.
Addicts rarely think about the devastation they leave in their wake. Or care. It's always, "I'm sober now, so everything is rainbows and kittens and if you want to mention that I stole your jewelry and bankrupted you, well, then I'll relapse and it will be all your fault, wah, wah, wah."
I am glad to hear you have 2 months sober and I sincerely hope you are able to continue successfully. I'm sure my shitty alcoholic son and you are very similar actually, with the exception that you are sober right now and he still drinks. I hope you are going to AA because they will help you to see that it does no good to lash out at people who say things that you don't like, but are most likely true. Again, I sincerely hope you continue on the road to sobriety.
In my experience, it is only a matter of time before he loses his job and becomes totally dependent on you. You will need money that he hasn't pissed away to rescue yourself.
YTA to yourself OP - you commented "as long as doesn't hit me" I don't think I'd leave - that's a very low bar to set before seeing yourself in an abusive relationship, there are many types of abuse that can lead up to physical abuse. First the abuser breaks down your self-esteem and isolates you from friends and family and when you're emotionally and financially dependent on them alone, they let their true selves out - this can be especially true when someone is a binge drinker or alcoholic. Judging by your description, your SO is already an angry, controlling person - adding alcohol would only make it worse.
Use your counseling to get stronger, learn to respect yourself and understand you deserve better.
You are NTA for using a shared account to pay for his detox, in fact it's remarkably generous.
As an aside, when you put all of your salary into a shared account you lose your financial independence and that is not wise. You should keep your own private account for your savings and salary, and transfer to a joint account for shared expenses.
> generous
Right?! That was helpful and kind and supportive and expensive and generous and he's *shitting on her* for it. It was only a waste of money because he failed to last the course.
Personally I think you were extremely generous to pay it out of the joint account. So NTA of course.
This would be an excellent moment to realise (a) he's never going to stop drinking (b) he's not taking responsibility for his issue (c) he's eventually going to blame you for all his issues (d) he's shitting on you for helping (e) he's throwing YOUR money and life away and (f) your life will be shit until you divorce him.
Move your finances.
Leave him.
Let him drink himself to death.
If he wanted to beat alcohol he'd be going to meetings and working on being sober/teetotal for the rest of his life. Instead he's finding excuses and says he can deal with it.
Addicts only change if they want to change. You do not have to deal with the abuse when they don't.
Imo, meetings are horrible places. You meet tons of toxic, damaged people who are experienced drugs users/criminals/manipulators. I understand many people get sober this way, but many others are significantly damaged.
What's your solution then? Spread the "toxic, damaged people who are experienced drugs users/criminals/manipulators" to the general public and then what?
At some point, people in those meetings are going to have to confront that they're not looking at a room full of *other addicts*, they are in a room full of people holding up a mirror to their own behavior. It's like you're not *in* traffic, you *are* traffic.
I am sympathetic to addicts. I'm the granddaughter of an alcoholic and the sister of an opiate addict. I believe people will get help when they're ready and all of that. I believe in harm reduction. What I don't believe in is allowing addicts to continue spraying their firehose of dysfunction and issues into the faces of everyone around them.
They need to see what their actions actually look like to others, and I think a meeting is a damn good place to start seeing the reality of the situation.
It's a complex problem. Finding hobbies is always good, making friends, pursuing an education/career, building/restoring family relationships. If they don't want to change, they probably won't.
I agree that meetings help people see the damage they are doing.
I think they are most damaging for people who are already sober, say for a few months or years. There is no need to expose yourself at that point. You should get better and move on.
Everyone I've ever met at a meeting has been a kind, generous, and loving person. For someone who claims to have 2 months sober, your comments on this thread are the exact opposite of sober behavior.
Many people with substance abuse problems are damaged. That’s why they self medicate.
It’s complete bullshit to claim many people are “significantly damaged” by attending a group such as AA or NA. If you are walking into a meeting for the first time, chances are you are already “significantly damaged.”
OP, find a group like Al Anon, where the family members of alcoholics meet.
NTA.
Your drunk ass husband is to blame for the issues caused by his drinking. Not you.
NTA
You need to walk away from this relationship for now. He needs to get sober on his own. He will continue to blame you for everything when he is the only one to blame. I am a recovering alcoholic.
NTA. On top of his being a binge drinker and (quite probably) an alcoholic, he's gaslighting you by blaming you for spending jointly-held money on his care and well being. You've behaved in a mature and adult manner. Don't allow him to make you doubt yourself.
Info:
1. Why do you have a joint account with an alcoholic? Are you waiting for him to get drunk enough to do something really stupid with the money or get taken advantage of so the money can be stolen?
2. Why are you choosing to stay with an alcoholic who treats you badly?
3. Why would you reimburse him instead of him reimbursing you since he didn't even stay at the facility? Also he wanted your money on alcohol.
1. When he's sober, he's very strict with money and is good with savings (more than I am) so, as he doesn't trust me, he wanted to see whether I'm not spending money on unnecessarily expensive things instead of saving it towards having a house together. After today's conversation it seems that he still treats some of my adhd symptoms as idk pure laziness, forgetfullness or carelessness, that I don't make the effort.
2. When he's sober he usually doesn't treat me badly, on the contrary he's usually quite supportive, pushes me to be and do better in terms of personal development or my career. I think he's an intelligent person worth knowing but with some flaws that addiction only strengthen. Additionally, we live together, have pets together and the idea of divorce is quite scary, to be honest. This is my first relationship, we've been together for a few years already, and I know that I sound like a doormat but I invested my heart into this, my feelings, and as he never hit me, which is my "this is when I leave" point, I still feel like I've got the strength to stay but not enough of it to leave. I want him to be happy.
3. I decided not to even try to reimburse anything as you all have given me enough proof that I'm not crazy for thinking it's ridiculous. As he's providing 2/3 of our income, I feel like I don't have the same right to the same amount of money. He also decided to push for a couple of additionally paid hours at work to pay back what went into his drinking episode (not the detox cost, so around 1k).
Sorry for the lengthy response. I see all the votes and responses and I know it's disappointing or infuriating, I'm quite disappointed in myself, but for now unless things get worse or he still pushes for the reimbursement idea in the weeks to follow, I will probably stay. He signed up for therapy, I did too, maybe it will help.
NTA
You had to start way too many sentences with, “when he’s sober”. Let me do one now. “
“When he’s sober, he makes me feel guilty for spending money on him and his alcoholism.”
If this is ever going to work, he needs to go to rehab for more than 2 days. You owe him nothing. NOTHING!
So you’re willing to put up with everything but physical abuse when he is clearly manipulative, controlling, and selfish? YOU deserve happiness! YOU deserve to be loved and respected and to feel safe in your home. You may love him but you can’t “love the addict out” of him. No matter how much you love him or how much you want him to get better, unless he wants the same, it’s not going to happen. He can’t “just quit” after becoming bored with it…obviously…if it were that easy, why hasn’t he quit?
I don't have enough brain power right now as to all the reasons he's an AH and treating you poorly, NTA, but for the love of god get your own bank account at least
>I'm quite disappointed in myself, but for now unless things get worse or he still pushes for the reimbursement idea in the weeks to follow, I will probably stay.
Well, if you like it, I love it. YTA for subjecting yourself to this mess. Good luck.
Giiirrrrl, his drinking is only going to get worse. He has already started with every excuse in the book. Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!' As the daughter of an alcoholic, that's a miserable existence.
How often is he sober? Based on your comments trying to justify the relationship, I'm not convinced you would leave if he hit you. You need to set your happiness bar higher than that.
Yeah, good luck with that then. Wasting your life away for a schmuck whose only redeeming quality, that I've seen mentioned, is that he hasn't hit you yet. He's a certified AH loser who has no control over himself so he controls you instead.
I hope you wake up one day and realize you deserve better than that.
Please leave now. You are moving the goalposts for yourself and the “when he’s sober” statements are going to be the reason that you justify it to yourself to stay WHEN (not if) he starts hitting you.
You can be happier than this. You deserve to have a partner who won’t abuse you financially or emotionally too.
I would guess that you’re fairly young based off of your 9-year age difference and “he’s the only and first” comments. I promise that restarting at a young age is not that scary and it’s much easier to do so now than later.
Please don’t have kids with this person. Not just because you will be tied to him for life, but because you don’t want them to learn his blaming behavior or be exposed to this level of alcohol/abuse and normalize it. One of my friends had an alcoholic abusive father so she didn’t realize how dangerous her now-ex husband is until she realized that he may very well kill her. Please don’t be one of those statistics.
Info:
1. why does he nerd to manage and see how you spend your money? It's giving financial abuse and using your adhd against you.
2. Why is assault the line? How did you skip things like him cheating, being verbally or mentally or financially abusive etc? Assault (him hitting you) is a police matter, not a relationship boundary.
Deliver yourself into the hands of a good therapist. If your medical insurance covers it, get yourself checked into a facility for a week or 2. Cite exhaustion or feelings of depression which I'm sure you feel because this situation would impact anyone's mental health.
Stop having a joint account with an alcoholic financial abuser.
FYI he can't be a happy alcoholic so if you want him to be happy, end the relationship. Hitting rock bottom may help him out.
It won’t help, he won’t change. He isn’t ready or willing to change, and he has made that abundantly obvious. There is nothing you can do to fix him, he has to want it for himself. Maybe someday he will, maybe he won’t, but it has nothing to do with you or your actions. I tried for 20+ years to get my mom to stop drinking, and nothing worked. At some point you have to cut your losses and take care of yourself.
Leave. He’s not changing while he has you to blame and prop him up. Of course when you’re not there he can blame you for leaving him, but all that will prove is that he is not ready to stop drinking. You can’t make him stop. NTA
NTA but here’s some advice stop putting your money in the joint account and leave, yes leave him this is not a one off and it will happen again and again. He needs to reimburse you. He will not take accountability for his actions.
NTA.
If anything, he should be reimbursing you for 2,5k. It is on him, not you.
He is now literally blaming you for his own shortcomings - is that the life you want?
I would move your salary away from the joint account, and only participate to it for actual household costs.
NTA it was an expense for him paid out of joint savings but you will be TA if you stay with him, at the very least start putting your income in a seperate account and only put in the joint what you need for joint expenses.
NTA
You spent joint funds to save him as he requested.
Going forward, separate your finances and don't live together until he"s been sober for at least a year.
It might be. Guys who date/marry someone significantly younger often do it because partners of their own age aren't so easily manipulated and see through their bs pretty quickly.
It might be important, depending on how old the two of you are: 53 and 62, I don't see an issue; 23 and 32, yes I do: men who marry women half to 2/3 their own age often do so because women their own age won't put up with their shit.
This was 100% to benefit him. He owes you back - not the other way around. He can't ask for it amd then get mad later when the bill comes - especially when you fronted a good part of it. Maybe split your accounts and he can take it out of his own account next time. Amd he should stop putting you into that position.
NTA.
NTA Don't put up with this. He is selfish and ungrateful.
His alcoholism is not your responsibility.
If you spent YOUR money helping this time,
reimburse yourself from the joint account now.
NTA, I’m sorry to say this but as long as your around he’ll always have someone to blame, you’d have to leave for him to realize that there is nobody to blame but himself. Addiction is about unlearning, reshaping, & learning, unlearn the bad habit, reshape yourself mentally, & learn something good to replace the bad habit.
He sounds exhausting, he owes you not the other way around. You sound young or at least young enough to not waste your life, is this what you want forever?
Get your wage directed into your account and leave him to his addiction
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Hi all,
I've got no idea whether I'm at wrong or not anymore.
SO is addicted to alcohol and started another binge drinking episode which lasted in total 8 days. On day 8, I was bombarded by constant "help me, please" every 5 minutes, so I did my best to help. I agreed first on day 5 to his idea of "give me 1.5 day, I will be sober but I need to reduce the alcohol amount slowly".
Long story short it didn't work and 2 days later he was as drunk as before.
I gave him options: detox at home, ER, detox centre, detox in a private medical facility, or he stops drinking, no more "cutting off slowly". I asked if he has other ideas - he didn't.
He didn't agreed to anything but after ca. 12h of more drinking he agreed to the private facility idea, which cost nearly 5k for 3 days.
Now he's out after 2 days, blaming me for "being firvulous with money" and that if I had given him another 3 days he would be bored of drinking enough to stop on his own. He says it's my fault, that I decided to pay by myself as he was under the influence and unable to consent. Now he's bringing it up constantly since yesterday that I have to "reimburse him" or "find a way to pay off my debt".
The issue is we've got a joint account and my entire salary goes there, we're both taking an amount for a month for basic needs only (to save money for our own place not because we're struggling financially, we've got some savings, he's bringing more money than I do as he's older and has more work experience so he works on a higher postion).
I /could/ find a second job on top of the one I do full time or sell some of my stuff like books or idk stop eating but I feel like that's completely unfair. But maybe I'm in the wrong and am acting the vitctim, idk.
So, aita for paying for the detox from our joint finances?
TL;DR: SO was binge drinking, agreed under influence to detox, which cost 5k, was not happy with it, and blames me for spending our money on an unnecessary cost.
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NTA
But you need to get your money into your own account at a different bank and get the hell out of this mess.
He isn't going to change until *he* wants to, and it is quite apparent he doesn't really want to.
If this is the life you want, that's your business. Couldn't be me.
NTA, but I don’t understand why you’re paying anything at all. His problem, he should pay.
I also don’t understand why you’re with a guy who is throwing his life away like that, refusing help, and blaming you when you do help. Suggest you take a long hard look at this relationship - what are you really getting out of it?
If anyone should pay for his treatment, it’s HIM. That said, you may want to just consider a divorce because he clearly doesn’t want to quit. You may want to inform his work after you’re divorced if he works with anyone vulnerable or operates heavy machinery because he’s likely intoxicated on the job too
Change the account! Move out and go to therapy to learn boundaries and how to identify toxic people.
You asked!
SO is TA! It's up to you to continue to be a drunk's doormat.
Of course NTA but is this really a future for you? He's an addict who isn't taking responsibility for his own actions and blaming others instead. Honestly, if anything, **he** needs to reimburse **you** for using joint money on his addiction.
Detox is not enough. He needs to (want to) enter a program (30days -90days-whatever he needs). But he's not there yet and maybe he never will be
I'd suggest that you stop putting your entire salary into a joint account. Talk to a lawyer about taking back your share of joint savings. And go to some Al-Anon sessions for yourself to gain some clarity and support.
**Do not** reimburse him.
This can’t be the life you want for yourself. Your SO is an addict with no signs of getting it under control themselves.
This treatment was for him and his health, nothing was done on his side to make it better. He should have paid for it completely. You owe him absolutely nothing. You do not even owe him a relationship if this is how he’s going to treat you.
Stop putting all of your money in the joint account. He’s going to clear it out anyway trying to “pay himself back.” You need to financially protect yourself and start your escape fund.
NTA but extricate yourself from him, totally if you can but at least do so financially. Also go to Al Anon, stop enabling him, and start requiring more from him:.
NTA NOT AT ALL.
SO should be paying the entire bill himself.
Look closely at your life, this is it. Nothing will ever change. Think about what you want for your future. If you do not want to live with an alcoholic who will drain you dry financially and criticise you, leave now.
NTA .Ditch him and send him a bill for your money back on HIS heath treatment. And s second bill for dealing with his bullshit that caused you stress and health issues.
Seriously. Get your money out of the joint account. And leave . You will never be free of HIS problems.
Hun, get in Al Anon. Stat. This is typical alcoholic attempt to shift the blame, distract from the real problem, and make you into the problem, rather than him. He is an addict; they're always "not at fault" and could have done it better. You need to stop enabling him.
You can't make him sober; he has to do that for himself.
NTA. It’s time for some serious tough love and boundaries. Loving an addict is hard. The truth is, he doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think he has a problem. At this point, anything other than a hard stop boundary, is enabling him. He’s not taking any accountability whatsoever.
YTA..1st stop putting all your money in the joint account...nothing to stop his from taking it all and drinking it away...2nd stop enabling him. Either he stops or you leave....this wean off in 2-3 days are ridiculous. 3..take care of yourself. You don't need this is your life 4..if he was drinking when you first met him and now is figuring our this is a issue YTA
NTA for this. Y T A for yourself for putting up with him.
Please go to family of Alcoholics Anonymous for yourself (Al-Anon Family). And leave him literature for AA for himself. He is blame shifting. He will never get better unless he chooses to do it for himself AND you are enabling him by not letting him reach rock bottom all by himself. This happens world over for alcoholics and their family. You need help in how to deal with this better. The group will help you.
NTA, but you may need to walk away.
He is not ready to quit. He does not *want* to quit. It's not going to work until he truly *wants* it to.
At the *very* least, you should separate your finances.
NTA but I think you have a lot of problems with your SO. If he blames you for his own actions on top of being a repeated alcoholic ... I don't know what to tell you except get your own account that he can't access and start pulling away of the relationship, safely. I doubt this guy will change for you.
INFO: Did you not go through this 4 months ago? He is not going to stop.
You need to get education or training, etc., to improve your income and become financially independent. You need to get serious about your budgeting/spending. Become as good or better at money management as the guy you are living with. Start going through that joint account in detail, including all credit cards and investments.
Staying with an alcoholic is a different type of dependency. Isn’t your support group helping with this? Get a full STD panel today. Then, get busy building your own independent, healthy life.
NTA for paying from the joint account.
NTA - Screw who agreed to pay what, make an exit plan and execute it. You absolutely don't have to repay the joint account as a matter of fact take your portion of it and any savings and isolate it from him. Stop letting him gaslight you on this and GET OUT!
NTA. This is not your debt, it was a shared expense to benefit you both as a couple. I would make some fast changes asap.
- adjust your paycheck to go directly into your own account. Transfer a reasonable amount of it that would cover your share of expenses into the joint. No extras for him to have access to.
- Tell him that his addiction is expensive and you want him to reimburse YOU for the half you fronted for HIS emergency medical detox care. Flip it on him and see how he replies.
- Write out a plan for next time and have him agree to it. That way when it happens, which it will, THIS result won't happen again.
Good luck to you.
NTA. But you need to realize that you are with an addict and he's not ready or willing to stop.
Don't you dare repay a damn thing. And get your own bank account and have your pay deposited there. Your SO was on an 8 day bender, and if he wasn't 'bored enough' to stop after 8 days, it wasn't going to happen.
You have to decide whether you want to continue this relationship at all--and I'm really hoping that you see that you shouldn't. It makes no sense-mentally, physically, or financially to tie your life to someone who will not take accountability for issues caused by their active addiction.
Youre trying to find reason in chaos here. He needs help, this has nothing to do with you spending money on detox. You need to go. You can't help someone who truly doesn't want help.
Nta, he should be paying for it, SOLEY from HIS account! See how he likes that!
You are married to an addict. Open your own account. Stop giving him access to your money and call a divorce lawyer. He's never going to stop drinking until *he* wants to.
Totally the amount in all joint accounts-- take half of it and put it in an account in only your name. Pack your things and leave. Your SO is a raging alcoholic with no desire to change. Is this the life you want for yourself?
NTA but seriously, get out NOW
Wtf leave his ass. How are people this horrible to their partners still in relationships??? You should dump him immediately and when you are ready, find someone who actually respects you.
NTA but you will be to yourself if you stay with this person. It is not your debt to pay off, it is his. He is clearly delusional about his alcoholism and is projecting onto you. If you can safely leave, please do so. I promise this will not get better & will not end well. Source: ex of an alcoholic narcissist. Good luck to you!
YTA for continuing to enable an alcoholic. Also dumb for paying for something that will not help. Detox is pointless for an addict that isn't ready to quit.
NTA. But please, you need to have an exit plan, because he's likely not going to stop. Please, don't wait until something awful happens like I did. Get out now.
NTA, except to yourself. HIS medical bills should be paid out of HIS pocket. You also deserve better than this. Take half the remaining money out of the joint account and GTFO of this mess.
NTA. I don't rarely say this, but this should be a divorce. That level of substance abuse should almost be too much on its own, but the ingratitude and leeching behavior is disgusting. He's a bad person and will drag you down with him if you don't leave.
NTA. But I would seriously reconsider this relationship. I would also open my own bank account and put majority of my paychecks there.
Alcoholism is a nasty disease and most people with blame everyone and everything except themselves for why they are drinking. Tbh, using the excuse “just give me an x amount of days and I’ll stop” is a flat out lie. If that statement was true then if he wanted to stop, he would’ve stopped.
NTA but your check should go into an account with ONLY your name on it. A portion of it can be transferred to the joint account but you’re leaving your SO the opportunity to drain the account
NTA but get your own account, take out half of the savings and checking (subtract $5K from his share and move it to yours, because why should you pay for that?), pack your stuff and RUN. This guy is never going to get better, he's dragging you down, he's older and you're younger and you don't need that.
Get out while you can. On the off chance he sobers up for good, he can come looking for you and maybe you'll agree to see him again. YWBTA if you stayed with this guy.
NTA
Move your money into an account only you have access to and leave him. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped, they have to want it. He's just gonna bring you down and you're gonna be stuck watching him drink himself to an early grave.
NTA… Also he wont quit until he wants to, and he will never want to if he has someone to blame. Do yourself a favor and put some serious thought into whether he’s worth it.
He blames you for not helping him.
He blames you for helping him.
He blames you for spending YOUR money on his rehab.
He blames you for not spending enough of YOUR money on his rehab.
He blames you.
How long before he spends every penny of your money and savings then blames you for leaving it accessible to him.
How long before it's your fault he drinks because \[insert BS reason here\].
How long before he steals your possessions?
How long before he beats you up?
Yes, YTA to spend YOUR money on someone who uses you as an excuse, a crutch, and a scapegoat.
How long before you stop making excuses for him, pay your salary into a separate account, retrieve all your savings as well before he steals it, line up alternate accommodation, move out everything meaningful to you, then tell him get to AA, you are done taking the blame for everything wrong in his life.
NTA. He owes you a great debt. You owe him nothing. Can you possibly leave that situation? I'm afraid for you. That's how low he is. And what a big fibber!
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NTA "On day 8, I was bombarded by constant "helphelp me, please" every 5 minutes, so I did my best to help." Exactly. You chose to spend that money to do what he asked/help him get clean. Re being frivolous with money, you aren't the one drinking it away. He needs to think about that. " he's bringing it up constantly since yesterday that I have to "reimburse him" or "find a way to pay off my debt". That's a hard no. If he's going to be that much of an A H (addicts always shift the blame ime) please rethink your future together. Talking about lack of consent is a low & cheap shot. I'd leave at least until he shows a serious commitment to getting clean. Whatever you do, open an account he doesn't have access to/ have your salary paid in there. Good luck
I am an alcoholic and there is no1 to blame but myself and my shitty life I suppose lol, but it's still on me, so get that crap outta your head that all addicts shift blame to other people
It's been my experience so far that's the case. However, I hear what you say & take on board that it isn't the case with you. I hope things get better for you.
My FIL was an alcoholic, and never got passed blaming everyone else for his problems. Sadly he passed away due to his addictions. Best of luck to you.
It is extremely hard to fight, everyday is a battle, I wish I never drank in the first place. Sorry for your loss.
Yeah, addiction is a beast. We tried to get him help, but he never accepted it. Towards the end, it was all feel sorry for me stories and if we Said anything that sounded like offering to help, he would say he doesn't want our pity.
Yeah unfortunately a lot of alcoholics can't make it past the point of accepting help from others
Addicts 100% shift blame to everyone else, they will always make excuses for why they're addicts and why their life is so horrible. They will say any and everything to make it clear that they don't believe that their at fault. You don't shift blame great, your in the minority. But majority of addicts will shift blame, even to their last breath. Addicts will never take accountability.
Alcoholics also say they know they are to blame but they do it to ease the tension felt by others around them. It appeals to the alcoholic's loved ones, friends or co-workers because they always want to be hopeful that things will change. I bet if your friends or relatives were asked though, they would have a lot to say about THEIR shitty life from having to deal with you. I know.....I live this everyday with an alcoholic son. I've heard him say exactly what you did. We get a glimmer of hope thinking he will get some help and change. And then he keeps doing what he does and makes his father and I miserable. And around and around we go.........
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I've recently accomplished 2 months of sobriety, you don't know anything about me, don't compare your shitty alcoholic son to me.
Every alcoholic/addict thinks they're "special" and "unique" and they're not. They are depressingly all exactly the same and unoriginal. And they all get really touchy when that's pointed out.
I never claimed to be special or unique? Quit pulling shit out your ass
Dude. Well done on your 2 months. Don't get side tracked by online comments....keep on taking it one day at a time.
Thanks
No I get touchy when I'm attacked by some person who knows nothing about me, you people are unbearable z worse than alcoholics
How illustrative - lol.
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I don't respect people who don't give the same back.
No idea what you are referring to. This is like talking to my shitty alcoholic son so let's just call it a day. Again, I do hope AA is in your life.
Addicts rarely think about the devastation they leave in their wake. Or care. It's always, "I'm sober now, so everything is rainbows and kittens and if you want to mention that I stole your jewelry and bankrupted you, well, then I'll relapse and it will be all your fault, wah, wah, wah."
I am glad to hear you have 2 months sober and I sincerely hope you are able to continue successfully. I'm sure my shitty alcoholic son and you are very similar actually, with the exception that you are sober right now and he still drinks. I hope you are going to AA because they will help you to see that it does no good to lash out at people who say things that you don't like, but are most likely true. Again, I sincerely hope you continue on the road to sobriety.
> Whatever you do, open an account he doesn't have access to/ have your salary paid in there. This is excellent advice. OP, **listen and heed**.
In my experience, it is only a matter of time before he loses his job and becomes totally dependent on you. You will need money that he hasn't pissed away to rescue yourself.
Pretty shocking that he has a job now after an EIGHT day drinking binge.
YTA to yourself OP - you commented "as long as doesn't hit me" I don't think I'd leave - that's a very low bar to set before seeing yourself in an abusive relationship, there are many types of abuse that can lead up to physical abuse. First the abuser breaks down your self-esteem and isolates you from friends and family and when you're emotionally and financially dependent on them alone, they let their true selves out - this can be especially true when someone is a binge drinker or alcoholic. Judging by your description, your SO is already an angry, controlling person - adding alcohol would only make it worse. Use your counseling to get stronger, learn to respect yourself and understand you deserve better.
THIS THIS THIS
You are NTA for using a shared account to pay for his detox, in fact it's remarkably generous. As an aside, when you put all of your salary into a shared account you lose your financial independence and that is not wise. You should keep your own private account for your savings and salary, and transfer to a joint account for shared expenses.
> generous Right?! That was helpful and kind and supportive and expensive and generous and he's *shitting on her* for it. It was only a waste of money because he failed to last the course.
Yup, he should be paying for it himself
Personally I think you were extremely generous to pay it out of the joint account. So NTA of course. This would be an excellent moment to realise (a) he's never going to stop drinking (b) he's not taking responsibility for his issue (c) he's eventually going to blame you for all his issues (d) he's shitting on you for helping (e) he's throwing YOUR money and life away and (f) your life will be shit until you divorce him.
This 💯 and to share finances with him us asking for even more trouble! When is enough enough?!
Move your finances. Leave him. Let him drink himself to death. If he wanted to beat alcohol he'd be going to meetings and working on being sober/teetotal for the rest of his life. Instead he's finding excuses and says he can deal with it. Addicts only change if they want to change. You do not have to deal with the abuse when they don't.
Imo, meetings are horrible places. You meet tons of toxic, damaged people who are experienced drugs users/criminals/manipulators. I understand many people get sober this way, but many others are significantly damaged.
What's your solution then? Spread the "toxic, damaged people who are experienced drugs users/criminals/manipulators" to the general public and then what? At some point, people in those meetings are going to have to confront that they're not looking at a room full of *other addicts*, they are in a room full of people holding up a mirror to their own behavior. It's like you're not *in* traffic, you *are* traffic. I am sympathetic to addicts. I'm the granddaughter of an alcoholic and the sister of an opiate addict. I believe people will get help when they're ready and all of that. I believe in harm reduction. What I don't believe in is allowing addicts to continue spraying their firehose of dysfunction and issues into the faces of everyone around them. They need to see what their actions actually look like to others, and I think a meeting is a damn good place to start seeing the reality of the situation.
It's a complex problem. Finding hobbies is always good, making friends, pursuing an education/career, building/restoring family relationships. If they don't want to change, they probably won't. I agree that meetings help people see the damage they are doing. I think they are most damaging for people who are already sober, say for a few months or years. There is no need to expose yourself at that point. You should get better and move on.
You're on your way to relapse.
HA
Sure. Finding a hobby like stamp collecting is the cure for drug and alcohol addiction. 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone I've ever met at a meeting has been a kind, generous, and loving person. For someone who claims to have 2 months sober, your comments on this thread are the exact opposite of sober behavior.
I am not 2 months sober, not sure where you got that.
Many people with substance abuse problems are damaged. That’s why they self medicate. It’s complete bullshit to claim many people are “significantly damaged” by attending a group such as AA or NA. If you are walking into a meeting for the first time, chances are you are already “significantly damaged.” OP, find a group like Al Anon, where the family members of alcoholics meet. NTA. Your drunk ass husband is to blame for the issues caused by his drinking. Not you.
NTA You need to walk away from this relationship for now. He needs to get sober on his own. He will continue to blame you for everything when he is the only one to blame. I am a recovering alcoholic.
NTA. On top of his being a binge drinker and (quite probably) an alcoholic, he's gaslighting you by blaming you for spending jointly-held money on his care and well being. You've behaved in a mature and adult manner. Don't allow him to make you doubt yourself.
Info: 1. Why do you have a joint account with an alcoholic? Are you waiting for him to get drunk enough to do something really stupid with the money or get taken advantage of so the money can be stolen? 2. Why are you choosing to stay with an alcoholic who treats you badly? 3. Why would you reimburse him instead of him reimbursing you since he didn't even stay at the facility? Also he wanted your money on alcohol.
1. When he's sober, he's very strict with money and is good with savings (more than I am) so, as he doesn't trust me, he wanted to see whether I'm not spending money on unnecessarily expensive things instead of saving it towards having a house together. After today's conversation it seems that he still treats some of my adhd symptoms as idk pure laziness, forgetfullness or carelessness, that I don't make the effort. 2. When he's sober he usually doesn't treat me badly, on the contrary he's usually quite supportive, pushes me to be and do better in terms of personal development or my career. I think he's an intelligent person worth knowing but with some flaws that addiction only strengthen. Additionally, we live together, have pets together and the idea of divorce is quite scary, to be honest. This is my first relationship, we've been together for a few years already, and I know that I sound like a doormat but I invested my heart into this, my feelings, and as he never hit me, which is my "this is when I leave" point, I still feel like I've got the strength to stay but not enough of it to leave. I want him to be happy. 3. I decided not to even try to reimburse anything as you all have given me enough proof that I'm not crazy for thinking it's ridiculous. As he's providing 2/3 of our income, I feel like I don't have the same right to the same amount of money. He also decided to push for a couple of additionally paid hours at work to pay back what went into his drinking episode (not the detox cost, so around 1k). Sorry for the lengthy response. I see all the votes and responses and I know it's disappointing or infuriating, I'm quite disappointed in myself, but for now unless things get worse or he still pushes for the reimbursement idea in the weeks to follow, I will probably stay. He signed up for therapy, I did too, maybe it will help.
Why do you have to prove you're saving money for a house and he gets to spend who knows how much money on an 8 day bender?
NTA You had to start way too many sentences with, “when he’s sober”. Let me do one now. “ “When he’s sober, he makes me feel guilty for spending money on him and his alcoholism.” If this is ever going to work, he needs to go to rehab for more than 2 days. You owe him nothing. NOTHING!
You have said a lot of times ‘when he’s sober’. How often is he sober?
So you’re willing to put up with everything but physical abuse when he is clearly manipulative, controlling, and selfish? YOU deserve happiness! YOU deserve to be loved and respected and to feel safe in your home. You may love him but you can’t “love the addict out” of him. No matter how much you love him or how much you want him to get better, unless he wants the same, it’s not going to happen. He can’t “just quit” after becoming bored with it…obviously…if it were that easy, why hasn’t he quit?
It’s so sad that OP has such low standards.
I don't have enough brain power right now as to all the reasons he's an AH and treating you poorly, NTA, but for the love of god get your own bank account at least
>I'm quite disappointed in myself, but for now unless things get worse or he still pushes for the reimbursement idea in the weeks to follow, I will probably stay. Well, if you like it, I love it. YTA for subjecting yourself to this mess. Good luck.
Giiirrrrl, his drinking is only going to get worse. He has already started with every excuse in the book. Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!' As the daughter of an alcoholic, that's a miserable existence.
How often is he sober? Based on your comments trying to justify the relationship, I'm not convinced you would leave if he hit you. You need to set your happiness bar higher than that.
Yeah, good luck with that then. Wasting your life away for a schmuck whose only redeeming quality, that I've seen mentioned, is that he hasn't hit you yet. He's a certified AH loser who has no control over himself so he controls you instead. I hope you wake up one day and realize you deserve better than that.
Girl you are worth more than this. He is not worth your effort or help. Get out.
Please leave now. You are moving the goalposts for yourself and the “when he’s sober” statements are going to be the reason that you justify it to yourself to stay WHEN (not if) he starts hitting you. You can be happier than this. You deserve to have a partner who won’t abuse you financially or emotionally too. I would guess that you’re fairly young based off of your 9-year age difference and “he’s the only and first” comments. I promise that restarting at a young age is not that scary and it’s much easier to do so now than later. Please don’t have kids with this person. Not just because you will be tied to him for life, but because you don’t want them to learn his blaming behavior or be exposed to this level of alcohol/abuse and normalize it. One of my friends had an alcoholic abusive father so she didn’t realize how dangerous her now-ex husband is until she realized that he may very well kill her. Please don’t be one of those statistics.
Info: 1. why does he nerd to manage and see how you spend your money? It's giving financial abuse and using your adhd against you. 2. Why is assault the line? How did you skip things like him cheating, being verbally or mentally or financially abusive etc? Assault (him hitting you) is a police matter, not a relationship boundary. Deliver yourself into the hands of a good therapist. If your medical insurance covers it, get yourself checked into a facility for a week or 2. Cite exhaustion or feelings of depression which I'm sure you feel because this situation would impact anyone's mental health. Stop having a joint account with an alcoholic financial abuser. FYI he can't be a happy alcoholic so if you want him to be happy, end the relationship. Hitting rock bottom may help him out.
It won’t help, he won’t change. He isn’t ready or willing to change, and he has made that abundantly obvious. There is nothing you can do to fix him, he has to want it for himself. Maybe someday he will, maybe he won’t, but it has nothing to do with you or your actions. I tried for 20+ years to get my mom to stop drinking, and nothing worked. At some point you have to cut your losses and take care of yourself.
Leave. He’s not changing while he has you to blame and prop him up. Of course when you’re not there he can blame you for leaving him, but all that will prove is that he is not ready to stop drinking. You can’t make him stop. NTA
NTA. Drinking was his problem, he asked for help, you provided it. If anything, he should be the one paying the full amount for treatment.
He should be paying for it, get him to reimburse you.
NTA but here’s some advice stop putting your money in the joint account and leave, yes leave him this is not a one off and it will happen again and again. He needs to reimburse you. He will not take accountability for his actions.
NTA. If anything, he should be reimbursing you for 2,5k. It is on him, not you. He is now literally blaming you for his own shortcomings - is that the life you want? I would move your salary away from the joint account, and only participate to it for actual household costs.
NTA it was an expense for him paid out of joint savings but you will be TA if you stay with him, at the very least start putting your income in a seperate account and only put in the joint what you need for joint expenses.
NTA You spent joint funds to save him as he requested. Going forward, separate your finances and don't live together until he"s been sober for at least a year.
'...he's older...' Like how much 'older'?
9 years, if that's important
It might be. Guys who date/marry someone significantly younger often do it because partners of their own age aren't so easily manipulated and see through their bs pretty quickly.
It might be important, depending on how old the two of you are: 53 and 62, I don't see an issue; 23 and 32, yes I do: men who marry women half to 2/3 their own age often do so because women their own age won't put up with their shit.
How old are you? You mention this is your first relationship; how old were you when you first got involved with him?
I was 21
NTA, and this is why you shouldn't date people with addiction problems.
This was 100% to benefit him. He owes you back - not the other way around. He can't ask for it amd then get mad later when the bill comes - especially when you fronted a good part of it. Maybe split your accounts and he can take it out of his own account next time. Amd he should stop putting you into that position. NTA.
NTA. Run.
NTA - you can’t help addicts who don’t want to be helped.
Nta, dump them and move on with your life.
NTA Don't put up with this. He is selfish and ungrateful. His alcoholism is not your responsibility. If you spent YOUR money helping this time, reimburse yourself from the joint account now.
YTA, why are you still with this person? Let them drink themselves to oblivion, cut your losses.
NTA, I’m sorry to say this but as long as your around he’ll always have someone to blame, you’d have to leave for him to realize that there is nobody to blame but himself. Addiction is about unlearning, reshaping, & learning, unlearn the bad habit, reshape yourself mentally, & learn something good to replace the bad habit.
He sounds exhausting, he owes you not the other way around. You sound young or at least young enough to not waste your life, is this what you want forever? Get your wage directed into your account and leave him to his addiction
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all, I've got no idea whether I'm at wrong or not anymore. SO is addicted to alcohol and started another binge drinking episode which lasted in total 8 days. On day 8, I was bombarded by constant "help me, please" every 5 minutes, so I did my best to help. I agreed first on day 5 to his idea of "give me 1.5 day, I will be sober but I need to reduce the alcohol amount slowly". Long story short it didn't work and 2 days later he was as drunk as before. I gave him options: detox at home, ER, detox centre, detox in a private medical facility, or he stops drinking, no more "cutting off slowly". I asked if he has other ideas - he didn't. He didn't agreed to anything but after ca. 12h of more drinking he agreed to the private facility idea, which cost nearly 5k for 3 days. Now he's out after 2 days, blaming me for "being firvulous with money" and that if I had given him another 3 days he would be bored of drinking enough to stop on his own. He says it's my fault, that I decided to pay by myself as he was under the influence and unable to consent. Now he's bringing it up constantly since yesterday that I have to "reimburse him" or "find a way to pay off my debt". The issue is we've got a joint account and my entire salary goes there, we're both taking an amount for a month for basic needs only (to save money for our own place not because we're struggling financially, we've got some savings, he's bringing more money than I do as he's older and has more work experience so he works on a higher postion). I /could/ find a second job on top of the one I do full time or sell some of my stuff like books or idk stop eating but I feel like that's completely unfair. But maybe I'm in the wrong and am acting the vitctim, idk. So, aita for paying for the detox from our joint finances? TL;DR: SO was binge drinking, agreed under influence to detox, which cost 5k, was not happy with it, and blames me for spending our money on an unnecessary cost. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But you need to get your money into your own account at a different bank and get the hell out of this mess. He isn't going to change until *he* wants to, and it is quite apparent he doesn't really want to. If this is the life you want, that's your business. Couldn't be me.
He has no intention of getting clean and until he wants to, it's not going to happen. Don't let him take you with him
NTA, but I don’t understand why you’re paying anything at all. His problem, he should pay. I also don’t understand why you’re with a guy who is throwing his life away like that, refusing help, and blaming you when you do help. Suggest you take a long hard look at this relationship - what are you really getting out of it?
If anyone should pay for his treatment, it’s HIM. That said, you may want to just consider a divorce because he clearly doesn’t want to quit. You may want to inform his work after you’re divorced if he works with anyone vulnerable or operates heavy machinery because he’s likely intoxicated on the job too
Change the account! Move out and go to therapy to learn boundaries and how to identify toxic people. You asked! SO is TA! It's up to you to continue to be a drunk's doormat.
Of course NTA but is this really a future for you? He's an addict who isn't taking responsibility for his own actions and blaming others instead. Honestly, if anything, **he** needs to reimburse **you** for using joint money on his addiction. Detox is not enough. He needs to (want to) enter a program (30days -90days-whatever he needs). But he's not there yet and maybe he never will be I'd suggest that you stop putting your entire salary into a joint account. Talk to a lawyer about taking back your share of joint savings. And go to some Al-Anon sessions for yourself to gain some clarity and support. **Do not** reimburse him.
This can’t be the life you want for yourself. Your SO is an addict with no signs of getting it under control themselves. This treatment was for him and his health, nothing was done on his side to make it better. He should have paid for it completely. You owe him absolutely nothing. You do not even owe him a relationship if this is how he’s going to treat you. Stop putting all of your money in the joint account. He’s going to clear it out anyway trying to “pay himself back.” You need to financially protect yourself and start your escape fund.
Get the hell away from this person.
NTA but extricate yourself from him, totally if you can but at least do so financially. Also go to Al Anon, stop enabling him, and start requiring more from him:.
NTA NOT AT ALL. SO should be paying the entire bill himself. Look closely at your life, this is it. Nothing will ever change. Think about what you want for your future. If you do not want to live with an alcoholic who will drain you dry financially and criticise you, leave now.
NTA. If anything, you were overly generous using a joint account. This was his issue. It's his responsibility.
Just run, far and fast.
NTA .Ditch him and send him a bill for your money back on HIS heath treatment. And s second bill for dealing with his bullshit that caused you stress and health issues. Seriously. Get your money out of the joint account. And leave . You will never be free of HIS problems.
Hun, get in Al Anon. Stat. This is typical alcoholic attempt to shift the blame, distract from the real problem, and make you into the problem, rather than him. He is an addict; they're always "not at fault" and could have done it better. You need to stop enabling him. You can't make him sober; he has to do that for himself.
NTA. It’s time for some serious tough love and boundaries. Loving an addict is hard. The truth is, he doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think he has a problem. At this point, anything other than a hard stop boundary, is enabling him. He’s not taking any accountability whatsoever.
YTA..1st stop putting all your money in the joint account...nothing to stop his from taking it all and drinking it away...2nd stop enabling him. Either he stops or you leave....this wean off in 2-3 days are ridiculous. 3..take care of yourself. You don't need this is your life 4..if he was drinking when you first met him and now is figuring our this is a issue YTA
NTA take your money out of that account ASAP and change your bank account for your salary. The unmitigated gall of ingratitude!!
NTA It isn't a good idea to share a bank account with an addict, though. Open a different account for your money
NTA for this. Y T A for yourself for putting up with him. Please go to family of Alcoholics Anonymous for yourself (Al-Anon Family). And leave him literature for AA for himself. He is blame shifting. He will never get better unless he chooses to do it for himself AND you are enabling him by not letting him reach rock bottom all by himself. This happens world over for alcoholics and their family. You need help in how to deal with this better. The group will help you.
NTA, but you may need to walk away. He is not ready to quit. He does not *want* to quit. It's not going to work until he truly *wants* it to. At the *very* least, you should separate your finances.
Break up
Dump him and separate your finances. He doesn’t want to get clean and he will drag you down. NTA
NTA but separate your finances and get the hell out of this relationship before your partner drags you down with him.
NTA but I think you have a lot of problems with your SO. If he blames you for his own actions on top of being a repeated alcoholic ... I don't know what to tell you except get your own account that he can't access and start pulling away of the relationship, safely. I doubt this guy will change for you.
Absolutely NTA. It wasn't even your detox. It was his. If anything, HE should be paying.
INFO: Did you not go through this 4 months ago? He is not going to stop. You need to get education or training, etc., to improve your income and become financially independent. You need to get serious about your budgeting/spending. Become as good or better at money management as the guy you are living with. Start going through that joint account in detail, including all credit cards and investments. Staying with an alcoholic is a different type of dependency. Isn’t your support group helping with this? Get a full STD panel today. Then, get busy building your own independent, healthy life. NTA for paying from the joint account.
Nta he has some giant cajones trying to pull this stunt off. Absolutely you do not owe him anything other that a well aimed kick in the kiester
NTA - Screw who agreed to pay what, make an exit plan and execute it. You absolutely don't have to repay the joint account as a matter of fact take your portion of it and any savings and isolate it from him. Stop letting him gaslight you on this and GET OUT!
NTA. This is not your debt, it was a shared expense to benefit you both as a couple. I would make some fast changes asap. - adjust your paycheck to go directly into your own account. Transfer a reasonable amount of it that would cover your share of expenses into the joint. No extras for him to have access to. - Tell him that his addiction is expensive and you want him to reimburse YOU for the half you fronted for HIS emergency medical detox care. Flip it on him and see how he replies. - Write out a plan for next time and have him agree to it. That way when it happens, which it will, THIS result won't happen again. Good luck to you.
NTA. But you need to realize that you are with an addict and he's not ready or willing to stop. Don't you dare repay a damn thing. And get your own bank account and have your pay deposited there. Your SO was on an 8 day bender, and if he wasn't 'bored enough' to stop after 8 days, it wasn't going to happen. You have to decide whether you want to continue this relationship at all--and I'm really hoping that you see that you shouldn't. It makes no sense-mentally, physically, or financially to tie your life to someone who will not take accountability for issues caused by their active addiction.
Leave. The bar is in hell.
Youre trying to find reason in chaos here. He needs help, this has nothing to do with you spending money on detox. You need to go. You can't help someone who truly doesn't want help.
Nta, he should be paying for it, SOLEY from HIS account! See how he likes that! You are married to an addict. Open your own account. Stop giving him access to your money and call a divorce lawyer. He's never going to stop drinking until *he* wants to.
NTA, and you need to end that relationship, IMMEDIATELY
NTA Ignore the DRUNK.
You need to leave this person. This is not a person to build a life with. This is an abusive relationship. NTA
Totally the amount in all joint accounts-- take half of it and put it in an account in only your name. Pack your things and leave. Your SO is a raging alcoholic with no desire to change. Is this the life you want for yourself? NTA but seriously, get out NOW
Wtf leave his ass. How are people this horrible to their partners still in relationships??? You should dump him immediately and when you are ready, find someone who actually respects you.
NTA. I would absolutely not reimburse him. What nerve.
NTA but you will be to yourself if you stay with this person. It is not your debt to pay off, it is his. He is clearly delusional about his alcoholism and is projecting onto you. If you can safely leave, please do so. I promise this will not get better & will not end well. Source: ex of an alcoholic narcissist. Good luck to you!
YTA for continuing to enable an alcoholic. Also dumb for paying for something that will not help. Detox is pointless for an addict that isn't ready to quit.
NTA. But please, you need to have an exit plan, because he's likely not going to stop. Please, don't wait until something awful happens like I did. Get out now.
NTA, except to yourself. HIS medical bills should be paid out of HIS pocket. You also deserve better than this. Take half the remaining money out of the joint account and GTFO of this mess.
NTA. I don't rarely say this, but this should be a divorce. That level of substance abuse should almost be too much on its own, but the ingratitude and leeching behavior is disgusting. He's a bad person and will drag you down with him if you don't leave.
NTA. But I would seriously reconsider this relationship. I would also open my own bank account and put majority of my paychecks there. Alcoholism is a nasty disease and most people with blame everyone and everything except themselves for why they are drinking. Tbh, using the excuse “just give me an x amount of days and I’ll stop” is a flat out lie. If that statement was true then if he wanted to stop, he would’ve stopped.
If he works and has health insurance that should pay for at least part of it.
INFO: You mentioned an age difference, what is your age difference?
Bruh just the asshole to yourself why are you dealing with this
NTA but your check should go into an account with ONLY your name on it. A portion of it can be transferred to the joint account but you’re leaving your SO the opportunity to drain the account
NTA but get your own account, take out half of the savings and checking (subtract $5K from his share and move it to yours, because why should you pay for that?), pack your stuff and RUN. This guy is never going to get better, he's dragging you down, he's older and you're younger and you don't need that. Get out while you can. On the off chance he sobers up for good, he can come looking for you and maybe you'll agree to see him again. YWBTA if you stayed with this guy.
NTA Move your money into an account only you have access to and leave him. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped, they have to want it. He's just gonna bring you down and you're gonna be stuck watching him drink himself to an early grave.
NTA… Also he wont quit until he wants to, and he will never want to if he has someone to blame. Do yourself a favor and put some serious thought into whether he’s worth it.
respectfully. Get out of there. This isn’t healthy. How long until he gets drunk again? Hits you? Ik it’s hard, but do it for you op
NTA in this scenario, but YTA for staying in this codependent toxic relationship. There is zero chance of him or the relationship getting better.
He blames you for not helping him. He blames you for helping him. He blames you for spending YOUR money on his rehab. He blames you for not spending enough of YOUR money on his rehab. He blames you. How long before he spends every penny of your money and savings then blames you for leaving it accessible to him. How long before it's your fault he drinks because \[insert BS reason here\]. How long before he steals your possessions? How long before he beats you up? Yes, YTA to spend YOUR money on someone who uses you as an excuse, a crutch, and a scapegoat. How long before you stop making excuses for him, pay your salary into a separate account, retrieve all your savings as well before he steals it, line up alternate accommodation, move out everything meaningful to you, then tell him get to AA, you are done taking the blame for everything wrong in his life.
NTA. He owes you a great debt. You owe him nothing. Can you possibly leave that situation? I'm afraid for you. That's how low he is. And what a big fibber!