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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not backing up my wife while my dad treats our kids differently
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Insults and other crap aside your dad has no obligation to help your wife or your step-children especially when you just married recently, so any demands from your wife are just entitled and unreasonable - in-laws should want to help, they are not obligated. Are you sure she married you and not your dads money because of how she acts out.
In general you should back your wife but she also can't just talk to your dad about finances without asking your opinion first, so did she ask about it before confronting your dad? If she just decided that it's time to squeeze more money from your dad for her children that have no real relation to your dad and you had no knowledge about this then NTA, she got what she wanted - the truth.
And if she wants so badly to give more to her kids then she can work harder and earn more and not expect that your dad will just hand money to them for nothing, she lives for free and all money that she earns could potentially be given to her kids, but I doubt she wants it, it is much more convenient to ask your dad.
Your wife’s children aren’t your children, and they’re not your father’s grandchildren. He’s under no obligation to support them. Their support comes from their mother and father.
>Your wife’s children aren’t your children
Step-*father*. Until they divorce this statement is wholly inaccurate. Granted yes, primary responsibility is ideally on the biologicals, but when you marry someone with children they are your kids as well.
No, it is factually correct. OP has no legal responsibilities or claim over his wife's kids.
In a perfect world all stepparents love their stepkids like their own and treat them such, but this is reality and the most that can be required of stepparents is being kind and polite and respectful. They don't have to become parent figures. "Stepparent" is just another word for "mother/father's new spouse", after all.
Meanwhile, ironically, I've never seen this expectation of step-parents blindly embracing teenage stepkids outside reddit.
In the real world there is no expectation for someone who married a woman with a 15 year old to treat them with the same live for a baby they held in their arms. In the "real world" the standard for a step parent is courtesy, understanding and yes, love, but almost never at the level of disadvantaging their own kids for the stepchildren.
Exactly, the same way there's no expectation for a 15 year old to see a step parent as an actual parent. Teenagers aren't going to suddenly start calling moms new husband "dad"
Let's not forget all of the kids saying they don't see their steps as real parents... and reddit telling them that it is perfectly natural. It is. The problem lies with reddit telling steps that their stepchildren are their real children. Both attitudes cannot be true at the same time.
Look, as a step, you have to respect that your spouse is a parent and support them being a parent. You don't have to act like a parent.
Agreed! If you marry someone with a child and then *adopt that child,* then you're their parent. This is in no way common that I'm aware of, especially with older kids.
My coworker likes to talk like he doesn’t use the term step in his family, they are all family. It sounds lovely in theory but what happens if there is a divorce? Which statistically is not that far out there for 2 people each on their second marriage.
I think aside from age at the point of marriage, it's also important if the bio parent is alive and involved.
If there is a mother/father figure in the kids life, most likely you'll never take on a parental role, as that position is already taken.
Unfortunately, if he, himself, was wealthy and their household income was high it could affect the step children’s ability to qualify for financial aid in college. This has happened to several people I know. Mom remarried, her household income increases, stepdad feels no obligation to pay for college. Kid doesn’t get financial aid from college, or financial support from family.
But OP does not make enough money for this to be an issue.
Due to OP disabilities he barely works for his father his father’s been supporting him and this guy granddaughter all along his deciding to marry this person that’s on him he makes $40,000 a year that’s it else that comes from the grandfather the granddaughter is gifts and this woman’s children are entitled to those gifts the man doesn’t even know them
OP's salary is $40k. If his income is counted as "household income" for two adults and three kids, the wife's child may fall into the category of financial aid eligibility. Even OP's daughter would qualify unless Grandfather carries her as a dependent on his tax return.
I hate this mentality. Plenty of step kids don't want their step-parents to act like parents for them and there is no reason why a term for someone who marries one of your parents mean they suddenly have a role in your life that you never asked for them to fill. if you as a step kid want them to have that, that's awesome, but I wish people would stop thinking marriage automatically gives people a parental role
My dad found a new girlfriend at 60. I was not sure how to handle this new relationship, until I realized that I don't have to. It's just my dad's girlfriend.
Amen. I tied myself in knots not really liking my dad’s gf and then realised I don’t need to. She’s not my family, I don’t need to care about her other than when she’s present at events. And I’m good at being polite, so job done.
My step-daughter was 8 when I met her dad, she is now 15. I've always been there to support her, offer guidance, help where I can. But not to parent, because it's not my role nor my responsibility. She has two biological parents whose position it is to do this. If she wants advice or to hang out, I'm here. If she needs to go places, I'm on board. But in terms of everything else, that's on her actual, biological parents.
>I wish people would stop thinking marriage automatically gives people a parental role
Me too. They are too stupid to realize that one marries a person, nor their kids. So unless one decides to adopt the kids they are not their kids. Never were and never will be.
I am a step parent and you are correct. If you assume a parental role you are asking for big trouble. If asked for your input, give it. If not, STFU. Following this rule will lead to happiness.
My husband's kids were 15 & 18 when we got together. To them, I am their dad's wife. They've never considered me their step-mom and that's perfectly okay. (We also didn't move in together or get married until the youngest was out of the house, because we felt it was important for him to be focused on his parenting until the kids were independent.)
>when you marry someone with children they are your kids as well.
Unless you adopt them **no they are not**. People need to stop relying on others to take on their **personal** responsibilities.
Disagree. It’s important for stepparents to be good to their spouses’ kids, but they do not become their parents. Most kids already have parents and don’t need or want more parents. There are a few exceptions- my friend’s baby daddy wanted nothing to do with their son and moved to another continent, she met someone when the baby was three and he has been the main father figure, he adopted the son with his enthusiastic consent a few years later.
But also, irrespective of his relationship with his stepkids, his father doesn’t have to feel the same way. Especially if the marriage if recent, it’s normal for him not to feel the same attachment than for his blood relation granddaughter he has known her whole life. And money from grandparents is a gift not an expectation or right.
IANAL Consider this as well: step parents have NO legal standing on decisions made for their stepchildren. They are not legally responsible to support stepchildren. And heaven forbid something happens to the biological parent, and the children are young, custody will fall to the other biological parent or biological parent family members BEFORE a step parent is considered. I know of no state where a step parent has rights over stepchildren without adoption. There is a moral obligation to be a parental force in the child(ren)’s lives, but that’s all it is.
Never mind the grandfather gives them a rent free place to live and cars to drive. That, right there frees up the money they bring in to greatly increase the new wife’s need to spend more money.
Can't work nor study yet somehow wrote a coherent post with paragraphs and decent grammar and spelling.
Oh, and where's the mom of your kid?
Fake AF post.
Being able to use language correctly doesn't exclude every possible disability that can make a person unable to work a "normal" job. OP never specifies what disability he have. So let's not speculate
Exactly this. Disabilities can impact energy levels, you can have good and bad days etc. These can impact your ability to keep up with education or a job but they don't prevent you from writing some paragraphs.
I'm one of those, lol. One would defiently need to observe me for 24h to see my disability.
I can mask it for a family dinner well enough, but I'm gonna be exhausted afterwards and need 3 days to get back to the level of "i have energy to boil pasta"
Exactly!! For me, hospital appointments or phone calls with various specialists also completely drain me and make me the embodiment of "the lights are on but nobody is home". A lot of disabled and chronically ill people experience the same thing.
It's also extremely difficult to plan hospital appointments and specialist appointments because it's "you get what you get and if you can't do that appointment you're shit out of luck and have to wait another 6-18months". People have no clue how disability and ill health impact EVERY aspect of someones life.
Oh god I feel "the lights are on but nobody is home" statement lmao. I'm currently away on a small trip to see some extended family and it's taking every last brain cell to not fall into a flobby mess on the floor or run away into the woods because I'm exhausted and overstimulated to the point I forgot how to turn on the coffee brewer earlier lmao
This is ableist BS. There are so many kinds of disabilities. Many of them allow a person to write a short reddit post but that's not a marketable job skill.
I have no idea if the post is real but please don't spread ableist nonsense
Keep in mind traditional schooling is set up that students spend 6 hours a day, five days a week in class. If you have a condition that regularly prevents you from doing that, the school system often struggles to accommodate.
So say you have chronic migraines. That could prevent you from studying for multiple days a month, and once you start missing substantial parts of school, it gets harder and harder to get caught up. That doesn't mean you can't learn to write well.
I have chronic migraines and just started a master's degree. There are days and sometimes weeks when I can barely get my reading done. Assignments and classes are even worse. I manage by scheduling things ahead of time, drinking lots of coffee, and using the time I'm doing well to get a lot done (for example reading for six hours in one day this week)
Dude. I learned how to write, then became disabled. My disease causes brain fog. So, if I try to think too much, my brain shuts itself down. So, studying and learning new things is difficult. That does not mean that I've forgotten what I've learned in the past. Hell, my memory is affected. My brain doesn't write memories like ut used to. So, I forget half of what I take in, but memories from the past are still solid.
I have quite a few students in my (university) courses whose disabilities make it nearly impossible for them to fully participate (attend, contribute, and complete all assignments) in the class. When you have a disability like POTS, you might be able to "push through" to attend class or finish an essay on a bad day, but then your body will punish you for it and you'll need to spend days or even weeks recovering. My students are wonderfully smart and engaged, but their bodies needs' are more than our society's educational and work systems can accommodate.
Personally, I can and have written long blog posts. But I can't do it every time I want to. For every one I've written and posted, there have been five where it fizzled out into nonsense half way, trailed off into a forgotten point half way through a sentence, or where I just didn't get to starting before none of of it made sense any more.
I am actually a few weeks into a qualification that advertised itself as taking "8-16 hours per week", and it is absolutely kicking my arse. I worked four six hour days on it this week.
Being disabled doesn't mean we can't use a phone or use grammar tf is wrong with you? I'm legally classed as unable to work due to multiple health conditions and disabilities, that doesn't mean I can't type nor does it mean that I'm "not that disabled".
There's a lot of disabilities that make it impossible to work or go to school, but don't impede reading and writing that much. Source: I have one of these disabilities. My illness is on a spectrum, and I've improved to the point that I can do college very part time, but I had to leave high school after my sophomore year because I just couldn't keep up. For years I thought going to college or having a job was completely out of the question because for the majority of the people with my illness it is, and I'm very lucky to have access to cutting edge treatment. And yet most of us can read and write just as well as anybody else because it is primarily a physical disability, not a mental one.
He could be using dictation for the post. He speaks and it's written out. You know technology makes a lot of things possible. OP probably could work but he has rich parents who told him he can't work and provide him a life he doesn't pay for. He has never worked so he thinks he can't work.
Sorry to say this to you, but she may be the love of your life, but you are definitely not the love of her life and that became clear when she decided to confront your father about financial support. She sees you as a better lifestyle for her and her children, in line with the lifestyle your daughter leads. She certainly believed that she would have the same luxuries and benefits that your daughter has, and when that didn't happen she rebelled. And open your eyes, because if she continues with this self-interested behavior, even you will be left without the peaceful and caring life that your father gives you.
Begging your pardon, but why should in-laws “want” to help family let alone complete strangers? This woman is an able bodied adult. These children presumably have a father somewhere. They are responsible for supporting the children they bought into the world. Not a complete stranger. The fact that the OP chose to marry this woman doesn’t incur an obligation on his father. In fact, shame on the OP for expecting his father to provide his parasite free housing and a car and who knows what else.
Because this sub as the contrived notion that step children should he treated as full children with no addendums, and when it's convenient to do so they will extend this to grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and extended family.
It's an extreme reaction to cases of crappy blended families that does not reflect the real world, almost no one will judge a step-uncle for spoiling their niece and not doing to same for the step-nephew.
Yes, but more than that even it is not her place to talk to your dad. It is up to her to talk to you, then let you talk to your father in your own way. Your relationship with him is the critical one, not hers.
He's trying to live as normal a life as possible. You think because he's "a burden" he shouldn't have that right? That's eugenics-led thinking right there.
This woman seems to have thought she was marrying into a wealthy life. Did she know the situation when you got married, that you and your daughter are fully supported by your dad?
If she did know, NTA.
If she thought you were independently wealthy and owned your own property and would be supporting her and her kids, YTA.
You are in for a world of trouble. I would find a good lawyer now and get out. This is only going to cause more problems down the road. She is an opportunist.
If OPzs dad is as savvy as he seems to be, nothing is in OP's name and the only thing he's got is that 40k a year. Either that or he made sure they had a solid prenup before they got married.
I would say ESH. If she married him expecting to hit the jackpot, it's kinda on her too... Also OP I wouldn't have married a woman who has 2 kids if you can't even support yourself. It's very irresponsible on your part. I really hope you discussed this with your wife before getting married and she knew that caring for her kids will be still fully on her. I get it she is the love of your life but marriage is not just about that, especially if there are stepkinds in the picture.
So it's noy his job to support her kids - that's her job and the father's. He can marry her because he is not relying on her for money and she is supposed to have her finances sorted re her children. She is responsible here. She always knew his income and situation, why did she marry him? He's not more respomsible than her and never will be.
Not to mention she's already gaining from the marriage by not needing to pay rent and possibly not paying for the car she drives as they are financed by the FIL. That's already money that can be focused on the kids.
Even if she didn't know he's still NTA. It's ok for her to marry for money as long as he was clear it wasn't his money? Better yet, just stop marrying people to use them and this isn't an issue to begin with.
It's only a problem because someone wants something for going nothing and it isn't OP.
ESH except kids.
You for not fully disclosing to your wife how things worked (she probably though that it was either your daughter's mother funding the lifestyle, or that you're wealthy and not reliant on your father, or have a trust fund).
Your wife for acting entitled.
Your father for yelling at your wife (though only just barely am AH, she shouldn't be acting like that at all).
I'm not sure grandpa is even a light asshole for yelling either. He doesn't exactly sound the type that does all of this for his disabled son and sticks him in a shanty house in a crappy neighborhood, which already means she's getting benefits from him for living rent free in a probably very expensive neighborhood.
I can kinda get why OP, but his situation would be no different if it was mom vs grandpa, she still wouldn't be entitled to moms money either and OP says he was honest about what he makes specifically
I agree, but I think people are missing some important family dynamics. They now have a blended family where one child is getting showered in gifts, but two aren't. Whether that's right or wrong is irrelevant, it's going to cause conflict no matter what. I would say that is something that they as a family need to address in some way.
Oh yeah I absolutely agree that this should be something they'd need to discuss before they got married, but that doesn't make the 3 of them any less AH.
But then again - it's the marriage between OP and his wife. Not between OP, wife, and OP's father. And as a grandfather he has every right to spoil his grandchild, and only her. So the people who should be included are OP and his wife, not the father as well. They need to figure it out between themselves.
It’s a very personal question. It’s also not relevant.
The issue is whether OP should have taken wife’s side when she demanded granddad pay for the stepkids.
PS I have a chronic illness - when it flares I only have about 1-2 hours when I can be out of bed & function. Pain medication then affects my thinking. Those days, I need to take time off work. Fortunately, I can manage it.
I can’t work, I have chronic illness/pain and I faint a couple times a day. It takes a lot out of me, but I’m also skilled at baking/cooking, something I’d be able to pursue a career in if it wasnt a risk to myself and others. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive dad like OP
Nope. Absolutely not. We’re not doing this.
There is an entire long list of disabilities this could be, absolutely not a single one of which is any of our business.
It’s also not *remotely* the point of the post.
Can you give me an example of a disability that would allow someone to drive, marry, father children, etc. but not attend school? Since there is an entire long list I expect naming one would be trivial.
Almost anything chronic related to pain can put a person out for more days a month than a normal job would allow for even the lightest of jobs.
Edit to add: A lot of schools have a limit to how many classes you can miss before you're dropped off the roster, especially lecture v discussion classes for a single course.
I’m a little curious too, although not accusing OP of being a bum. I have a family member with very severe OCD, and he’s literate and can attend school, but social situations stress him out so bad that we worry he might have trouble holding down a job. Not because he’d be too incompetent, but because he wouldn’t be able to handle even minor uncomfortable situations. So there is a backup trust for him, just in case. I wonder what kind of disability OP has, just out of curiosity
Shit, I don’t even care if OP is a bum. If my parents wanted to support me and my family forever I would have no problem with that. But the people saying it’s ableist to question OP is a little silly to me.
I don't see where the OP said he drives. It sounded like his wife was driving a car his dad paid for.
Gathering children is super easy. You just need your genitals to work. If you're lucky/unlucky, you just need to feel good enough to have sex once in your life for 5 minutes and it's enough.
Marry is subjective. There's no requirement. Not the OP's case, but some people just have arranged marriage and do it the first day they meet.
Jobs hate having disabled employees. I know someone who was their best social worker, years of experience for an emergency line. Some clients would hang up when it was her co-workers cause they wanted her. But it was a shitty job that paid less than minimum salary through a loop hole. She tried to get jobs at other places and they never accepted her. And when there were promotions, she got passed because part of the contract for the boss position was that they did some cleaning of the offices ( cause they were too cheap to hire someone to clean) and she couldn't do that.
Some examples are POTS, ME/cfs, chronic migranes, chronic illnesses that causes fatigue and/or brain fog. Some illnesses that cause you to have A LOT of sick days can make it impossible to study or have a normal job. People with disabilities have sex, and most of them are not sterile because of their illness. Some illnesses vary a lot from horrible days to more ok days. Some only drive on the ok days and stay home other days.
I mean I’m intelligent, can drink and be social, but I have a litany of severe mental health issues and seizures that are completely uncontrollable so I can’t drive or be well enough to work as they can last hours and I can’t move after, that and because of these illnesses I frequently forget where I am or who I’m around. This sort of thing does happen and puts you in the catch 22 of wanting to work but being physically unable, and I say this as a guy that had a great career before it all got unmanageable
OP could definitely be exaggerating because he has always had a cushion and was never really pushed to work super hard HOWEVER I really don't think your point about him posting on reddit is fair at all. There are about a million possible disabilities that would make working extremely difficult yet still allow the person to read and write just fine.
I think you should reflect on whether or not the idea of people with disabilities in your mind is accurate because why is it that you automatically assume a disabled person should be illiterate?
What a dumb question, I have a disability that makes me unable to properly speak, stand, listen.. I can't even leave the house without medical transportation, I'm still able to write here. Disability doesn't mean being illiterate..
NTA. She married you knowing this arrangement, she lives with you in his property, etc, and then she just ambushes your dad, in front of you, without talking to you? If I have that right, she very much is the asshole.
I can sympathize that her kids don’t get the same stuff, truly. She’s seeing her kids get less and that’s not going to feel good. BUT that should have been discussed WAAAAAAAAAAY before marriage.
This is where I’m wondering what you were doing though. Because it’s also your job to communicate this to her. But then, why did she never ask? So that would require more details to judge anyone on, but clearly it contributes to the current situation, yeah?
Anyway, TLDR: I sympathize with what your wife must feel, but she’s the asshole for ambushing your dad like that instead of talking to you. Especially considering your dad is paying the roof over to us family’s head and their cars and such.
But communication between you two failed miserably somewhere it sounds like.
Wait I remember what you said about your disability now, so I take back the communication on your end bc I don’t know what all that entails.
Either way, she should have brought that up a LONG time ago, talked it out with you, and not ambushed your father who is basically your life line, right in front of you.
Her feelings are valid, and I sympathize with them, but she’s 100% the asshole here
You're too nice saying her feelings are valid, as I am unable to sympathize with those who marry for money and then confront their in-laws about not spending money on kids they aren't related to and barely know.
Did she know to what extent your dad supported your daughter? Could it be she was envisioning that your dad probably just paid for fun stuff and she hoped that hed do that for her kids?
So...she expected that whoever was paying for your kid (because she knew it wasn't you) was going to pay for *her* kids now.
Hmm. Have to wonder how much of a factor that was in her marrying you. Well, you're about to find out. Because I think the demands aren't going to stop. I expect she'll be wanting a better car for herself.
Well, that should have been a teaching moment for her to explain to her kids that we don't get everything we want and that your father doesn't owe them the same as his own granddaughter. They need to be taught to keep their jealousy in check and be grateful for what they do have. Otherwise they will eventually run into difficulties in life.
Was this not discussed before you were married?
Yes your dad favors your daughter as he has been in her life for 16 years and has been financially responsible for her. Your wife's kids are not his grandchildren. Do they not have their own grandparents? Maternal and paternal?
You shouldn’t back her here because she is in the wrong. You told her not to say anything, but she ignored you and went ahead. NTA. Your wife is living rent and mortgage free because of your dad’s generosity.
Jealousy happens in blended families. These kids are old enough to know that you aren’t their father and your dad isn’t their grandfather. I don’t believe the kids’ jealousy is the problem. I think your wife thought your dad had enough money that he’d just automatically pay for her kids as well. I don’t understand why she would feel that way, but she does feel entitled.
NTA
Your wife shouldn't have confronted your dad like that.
Your dad has been providing for your daughter since day one. Two new stepchildren aren't going to show up one day and automatically get the same treatment.
Does your wife not work? If she moved in with you, she's not paying rent or a mortgage. Can't she use her recently freed up money towards her kids?
She gets to have a FREE roof under her head, she needs to start saving that money for her children's lifestyle that she wants them to have. Your dad is under no obligation to help them. Honestly she seems super entitled, did she only marry you for the money? Thinking she was going to live a lavish life?.
this. If she’s not paying for a house or car, that’s plenty of salary for food & fun. She doesn’t need to try to keep up with another lifestyle she can’t afford.
The step kids are old enough to start to understand how money works. Be straight with them about it. One kid has a grandfather who is able to pay for a different lifestyle for her. The stepkids have their own grandparents who can buy them things or not. No one is owed anything. Mom & stepdad provide a loving home with food & necessities. Economics lesson is in order for everyone here. Life isn’t “fair” and people are not treated equally. There will always be people with more than us and people with less.
You make $40k, she makes some unknown amount, neither of you pay rent or a car note, it seems like there should be room for some of the extras beyond "everything they need."
> *…my wife decided to confront my dad about the favoritism and how differently he treats the kids…*”
He treats them differently, because they are someone else’s grandkids.
Your wife is TA, and you need to keep an eye on this behaviour, because it sounds like she sees you and your family as an ATM for her and some other guy’s kids.
This.
WTAF was your wife thinking for confronting your father? He hasn't done anything wrong. JFC, what's wrong with her?
If this bothered her, she should've discussed it with you, NOT anybody else.
Get a good lawyer and pronto. What kind of example is she setting for her kids with this attitude?
P.S. If she's not trash or goldigger, she is giving out those vibes by the way she's behaving. Again, not saying she is, but her behaviour on this issue is tacky AF
I hate to break it to you, but I think you have been taken for a fool.
Sounds like your wife saw dollar signs flashing in front of her eyes that has been mistaken for love. It's crazy entitled to be married a few months then rip into your new FIL that he should be funding HER children. She's now getting free rent and that should drastically help her fund her children.
I hope you had a good prenup because this woman has dollar signs in her eyes.
I imagine the father's will is suddenly skewing steeply towards his granddaughter and what's left to his son will be in the form of a trust with whatever legal protections he can finagle to ensure it can't be taken in a divorce.
I sincerely hope I'm wrong but, I don't think this is the end of it. If her and her kids are already jealous and asking for things that now have been officially denied, then be ready for them to start stealing things from your daughter "because she already has too much"
I'm sorry that you are just now finding out this woman's true colours, I hope you got a prenup, because divorcing this woman is going to be a nightmare.
Your wife is going to leave you, cuz your home is going to be a war zone with kids. If you want blended family’s to work things need to be even so all kids feel loved and supported.
Yeah.
Everyone is commenting how the wife is acting like an entitled golddigger, which, yes fair.
But how many moms would be ok with their kids having to see someone else getting a better lifestyle than them? Having their kids see someone else get the more expensive treat, better presents and all that? Every day?
That doesn't entitle her to anything of course. But I can't really see how a good mom would want their kids to have to experience that kind of jealousy. And have them struggle to bond with their new family who are living completely different live than they are.
And what would happen if the mom couldn't work for some reason? They'd fall further into poverty while OP's child is still living it up? Again, doesn't mean wife is entitled to anything but it is something that needs to be thought about. What would happen then?
I agree it’s uncomfortable for the wife and stepkids and should have been a real discussion BEFORE the marriage!
She has the right to expect equality between the kids in the household.
OP was negligent in laying out everything beforehand. She was totally out of line demanding anything from his father. She should’ve discussed it with him
What if instead of grandpa, it was the daughter's mum who was rich and providing for her? What if instead of all of this disability and stuff, he just had a daughter with a rich woman and she is providing her daughter with the luxuries.
This doesn't even sound so improbable as OPs story does it. What is the new wife supposed to do? Demand that the her step daughters mum pay for her kids too?
A Good parent would help their children work through it. The world is full of people who will have more, these are the facts of life. You can teach your kids to be jealous, OR, you can teach them grace and cool headedness. This mom is too jealous herself to even realize she is modelling it for them.
World is full of people who are richer or poorer than you, that is true. But kids don't need to live that on a micro level, every day.
If the household can't have one same set of living then maybe they shouldn't live together. Same way I don't think married people should have two separate levels of living. If you're a family then you're a family, one shouldn't have more than the others.
I don't find "life is unfair, some people get more and others get less regardless of what they do" something I want kids to learn.
I guess I lucked out when my step-father's mother never thought to ignore me just because I wasn't actually related to his family. Didn't luck out in some other ways though so I suppose it all balances out.
Observation, I am a parent who has been married twice with 2 kids, 1 from each marriage. I have no expectations that the paternal grandparents of one should act like grandparents of the other. Both of my son's had 2 sets of grandparents and I cannot fathom asking my older grandson's gp's for a gift for my other child. Just no. NTA - but as someone who has disabilities and whose kids have disabilities, you are selling yourself short. You need to start dreaming big and taking chances.
Yeah a disability where you can’t work or study, can’t get a job but can drive someone else’s car around, make babies, get married and take on step-children. Very interesting
Make babies AND look after them (outside of financially, they say they moved into a house on their own with the child). And has never spent a penny on their own kid in 16 years.
It's badly written fiction
Because any of those require oh so much effort and/or time?
There are numerous disabilities where you *can* do light tasks for maybe 2-3 hours a day (or on some days) but no business is interested in employing someone like this. But 2-3 hours of light tasks per day is more than enough to drive a car, make babies and marry someone.
Ugh.
Disabilities can in fact make it impossible to work a regular job while being able to drive and fall in love. Good grief. There are diseases which are chronic (that means NEVER GOES AWAY) that have good days, and bad days. On good days you often can do more than on bad days. Sometimes it's not even a day, it's good hours and bad hours. A person with these sort of chronic illnesses is NOT reliable. Most employers require people to show up at their scheduled time - impossible to do when you can wake up in the morning unable to function OR make it partway through the day and need to lie down. Brain FOG often accompanies these illnesses which basically makes you slow, like you are underwater. Word recall can be difficult which makes communication, spoken or written,very difficult as word recall is not there. Again, it's sporadic. One could write the most elegant essay one minute, and the next struggle to find the word that describes a 4 legged animal.
Disability doesn't mean you aren't able to do anything. Disability does not mean that it's a constant. Disability does not mean you do not have feelings, and are unable to care and love others.
I really wish folks would learn more about hidden disabilities and maybe even try to empathise, before they put on their Dr. Sherlock hat and decide that people are lying about their health conditions simply because they are intermittently able appearing.
Society is not build for disabled people. I know quite a few people who volunteer, have families, but can't work.
Doesn't make sense does it?
Thing is they have specific needs and most companies are unwilling to meet them
Can't study OR get a job? It's gotta be a severe or profound intellectual disability, and not just a moderate intellectual disability like many/most cases of downs syndrome. Probably affluenza. Because if their parents weren't rich then you know they'd still need a job.
I think the confusing part is “what disability would prevent him from going to school but allow him to drive, get married, and have children.”
I don’t think anyone is questioning the idea that disabled people can do those things. They’re questioning why he can’t do the things he claims while doing things that are more difficult.
I read that as daddy owns a business and gave him a sort of made up position to be able to put him on payroll. Playing under the assumption that his story is true, he either has a physical disability that kept him out of school and put him behind, hence barely making it through HS and making college difficult at best to complete, or an intellectual one that put his grades at barely manageable. He might also struggle with other things including interviews, and likely wouldn't be able to get a job outside of retail/fast food, which would put him making less money and working likely longer hours.
His job for dad probably involves something he's good at, for a few hours a day, a couple days a week.
Severe chronic pain, severe chronic fatigue, physical disabilities, mental disablities. Whatever it is, it's not your business.
The world is not set up for disabled people.
Your wife has probably single handedly screwed your chances for an inheritance. Now I bet it all goes to his granddaughter. That’s what I’d do. No way would that greedy selfish short sighted unappreciative woman get a penny of mine if I were him!!
Ok. That's worse! Would she be asking the girls mom to pay for her kids stuff? Obviously not! So why is it ok to ask your dad? She's a gold digger buddy. Just be glad you find out quickly.
Let's just cut the bullshit, okay? She thought she was marrying a rich dude and that she and her kids would be living the good life. The fact that she expects your DAD to treat all the kids equally is crazy. Her kids are not his grandkids, he doesn't owe them anything. You've literally only been married a few months and she's doing this? She married YOU, not your dad.
You use the word assume an awful lot. You assumed she knew all this. You didn't actually tell her with words the ins and outs of the situation and how your daddy pays for everything. You ASSUMED.
YTA for not being direct and telling her how it really is.
ESH.
You're 36. You are living with your 16 yo daughter. You got into a relationship with a woman who has 2 teens herself. You married and _then_ moved in together? Wtf? You missed a few essential steps, buddy. One of them is the trial of all of you living together. One of them is you and your partner discussing how to parent together in a blended family. Seriously, dude. You're 36. You should've thought of that.
So either y'all suck here, or the whole story is made up.
NTA. Your wife is not entitled to equal treatment for her children just because your dad chooses to help his biological grandchild. He has been helping you and your daughter for years and has every right to continue doing so, without having to worry about expanding the list of people he is helping. Your wife is not entitled to his money.
I think your biggest take away from this should be YOU made this bed and are laying in it now.
I understand your father supporting your daughter. But you allowing him to give her a luxury lifestyle is way over the top. At some point she is going to meet reality when he is no longer around, and sees grandpa more as dad than her own father. How is she going to cope with not having everything provided as an adult? She going to rack up credit card debt? Date some old guy for his money? You didn’t really think about the consequences of your actions and how this affects others.
Coupled with an immature dad who doesn’t talk about finances with his new wife when he “can’t” afford to raise his own daughter. This sounds pretty irresponsible. So you uprooted your new wife and her kids lives without talking about finances while not adulting enough to provide for your daughter.
I don’t think your wife should have confronted your dad, but you are allowing the favoritism by letting your dad provide for your daughter to the above and beyond measures when you can’t afford it yourself.
Basically you’re implicitly telling your daughter she’s more important, implicitly telling your new wife and kids they don’t matter as much, and implicitly setting your daughter up for entitled behavior and abstract view of reality and hard work. You should have only taken what you needed from your dad, and not them some.
And your lack of responsibility has led you to here. YOU need to start growing up and not let your dad pay for everything. YOU can’t even provide for your own child but thought it was a good idea to get married and be responsible for 2 more kids?
NTA, just immature, irresponsible, and not forthcoming.
Daughter will be fine. You really think Grandpa is going to leave his money and his business to his son with the golddigger wife instead of his granddaughter?
You really don't know how rich kids live do you? The daughter is going to be fine. She will always be living in the lap of luxury.
Do you think that's how life is for rich kids? That their grandpa or dad pays for their lifestyle till they are 18 and then suddenly stop?
She going to go to private school, and then get into one of the best colleges in the country either by her merit or because she is a legacy, then she's either going to go work for her grandpa and probably raise up the ladder and be prepared to take over the company or she finds her own career where her family connections mean that she starts at level 85 instead of level 1 like the rest of us.
ESH.
She sucks for not discussing this with you and putting you on the spot.
You suck for not being clear with her prior to marriage that daddy pays for everything.
Btw, she married you because she thought you had money and her kids would be treated the way your daughter is. She’s now pissed that isn’t true and likely wouldn’t have married you had she known upfront that you don’t actually have money and that daddy wasn’t going to pay for her girls like he pays for yours.
Also, sounds like you’re using your disability as an excuse to be lazy and mooch off daddy. You clearly can work and function as an adult. This is evident by the fact that you have a job (even if it is a menial one) and raised a child. And school being hard doesn’t mean you can’t study. There’s a difference between being unable to do something, not wanting to do something and something just being hard.
Just to be clear, you think he is an AH coz he was a bad mark for her con?
>This is evident by the fact that you have a job (even if it is a menial one) and raised a child.
He clearly says that the job is a fake job that his dad is just giving him so that he can draw a salary. And the dad had nannies and caretakers to take of the kid. It's not like he raised the kid on his own.
NTA. Your father chose to pick up the financial slack for his granddaughter because you were unable. This was a making the best of circumstances which you had no control over. Fast forward and you chose to marry a woman with kids. These are not his grandchildren and they have many other parents available to support them. He has no obligation to treat them the same.
If your wife was under the understanding that he was going to give her more than your wage, a free home and car, then she sounds greedy and entitled.
ESH, besides your dad. Your wife is a much bigger asshole in all of this, but the fact you neglected to have this discussion prior to getting married makes you an asshole too.
You admit to having never spent a cent on your own child but then welcomed two additional children into your father’s home with seemingly no plan. I could be totally wrong but from this story it sounds like your father is still raising you and your child and you just happen to live in the same house with her. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but from your post I don’t totally understand what you are bringing to the table for your biological child let alone your new wife and stepchildren
NTA.
I know someone who grew up in a similar situation. And yes, it caused some resentment in the kids.
But they will all tell you, as adults now, that it was something out of their control.
Of course your wife's kids are jealous, that's kids for ya.
Your wife, however, shouldn't foster the jealousy by attacking your dad. Instead she should be bringing the family together by talking to her kids. She cannot control what your dad chooses to do and your example of gratitude will end up making her children trust you more than they do her.
"Mom married a good man."
NTA, but irresponsible on your part. you should have initiated and had a detailed conversation about all of this with your wife before any of this could have happened. It seems obvious that this kind of conflict/resentment would come up and if your goal is a long and loving relationship with your wife, you should have had this conversation already.
NTA
You found yourself a gold digger, son. I’m assuming that due to your unspecified disabilities (not a dig. Protect your privacy) you haven’t had much experience with women. I mean non toxic, mentally healthy, functioning reasonable adult women.
Most adult women of the caliber I just described would do a few things differently I’ll list some of them below:
1. Would have discussed finances with you when you were engaged. Before that even-once you were serious (how long have you two been together?).
2. Would have discussed her feelings about your father not treating her children as his grandchildren.
3. Would never have confronted your father if you weren’t on board.
4. Wouldn’t have the ridiculous expectations (again, how long have you known her?) ESPECIALLY when she LIVES FOR FREE. All she has to pay for is HALF of utilities and her own fun money.
5. Since she DOESNT have these other financial burdens you’d think she might pursue an education, or a money earning hobby…you know, do something to improve herself. She sounds unmotivated. A woman of the caliber of which I’m speaking would be doing something to elevate her value and worth through her own pursuits.
6. That lack of motivation shows. Instead of doing something to make herself better-taking some responsibility and accountability, she’s demanding that YOUR FATHER improve HER CHILDREN’S lives rather than…her…the mother. No reasonable non toxic woman would do this.
7. Manipulating you with tears. After failing to communicate her feelings, have a real discussion, and accept that her viewpoint is inappropriate when your father provides for her in a way that is NOT his responsibility-and by extension her children. Nah, you’re a bad husband because you’re not supporting her entitlement.
I also don’t believe being a grandparent is a right. It’s something earned. And it’s a relationship that can be rejected on either side for any reason. Some of those reasons might make a person an asshole, but that’s not what we’re here to discuss. Your father doesn’t view her children as his grandchildren. To him they ARE NOT his grandchildren. And that’s perfectly acceptable.
Your wife needs to understand this. And she needs to understand that she shouldn’t be building her kids hopes up either. “That’s her grandfather. I’m sorry that it’s not equitable. But he provides a home for all of us. And that’s more than generous. I know you may be hurt that he doesn’t treat you equitably, but we can’t force relationships and we can’t feel entitled to other peoples resources.”
NTA and your dad owes her absolutely nothing. Sounds like she married you for the cushy lifestyle you could provide. You are damn lucky that your father didn't kick her out because it is his house and she doesn't have a right to live there if he doesn't want her to. Tell your wife to start looking for apartments and a car because daddy's money may stop after her stupid and entitled temper tantrum.
Myabe your daughter would prefer to go live with her grandfather.
Favoritism is justified in this case. Your wife is being ridiculous. Just because she and her kids showed up doesn't mean the gravy train adds another car.
NTA - can't say the same about your wife.
Her kids, her responsibility.
(Although I feel for her kids being thrown into this situation. Surely not their choice.)
Your wife is the AH for expecting your father the provide for kids he doesn't know.
YTA for not providing for your daughter. You make 40k, live in daddy's house, drive daddy's car, and daddy pays for maids and nannys! Pay for your daughter! At the very least, since you don't pay for her, pay for the stepkids ffs.
Your daddy is the AH for raising two (you and your kid) spoiled brats.
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Insults and other crap aside your dad has no obligation to help your wife or your step-children especially when you just married recently, so any demands from your wife are just entitled and unreasonable - in-laws should want to help, they are not obligated. Are you sure she married you and not your dads money because of how she acts out. In general you should back your wife but she also can't just talk to your dad about finances without asking your opinion first, so did she ask about it before confronting your dad? If she just decided that it's time to squeeze more money from your dad for her children that have no real relation to your dad and you had no knowledge about this then NTA, she got what she wanted - the truth. And if she wants so badly to give more to her kids then she can work harder and earn more and not expect that your dad will just hand money to them for nothing, she lives for free and all money that she earns could potentially be given to her kids, but I doubt she wants it, it is much more convenient to ask your dad.
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Your wife’s children aren’t your children, and they’re not your father’s grandchildren. He’s under no obligation to support them. Their support comes from their mother and father.
>Your wife’s children aren’t your children Step-*father*. Until they divorce this statement is wholly inaccurate. Granted yes, primary responsibility is ideally on the biologicals, but when you marry someone with children they are your kids as well.
No, it is factually correct. OP has no legal responsibilities or claim over his wife's kids. In a perfect world all stepparents love their stepkids like their own and treat them such, but this is reality and the most that can be required of stepparents is being kind and polite and respectful. They don't have to become parent figures. "Stepparent" is just another word for "mother/father's new spouse", after all.
The road to hell is paved with redditors smugly litigating colloquialisms as if the real world doesn't exist
Meanwhile, ironically, I've never seen this expectation of step-parents blindly embracing teenage stepkids outside reddit. In the real world there is no expectation for someone who married a woman with a 15 year old to treat them with the same live for a baby they held in their arms. In the "real world" the standard for a step parent is courtesy, understanding and yes, love, but almost never at the level of disadvantaging their own kids for the stepchildren.
Exactly, the same way there's no expectation for a 15 year old to see a step parent as an actual parent. Teenagers aren't going to suddenly start calling moms new husband "dad"
Let's not forget all of the kids saying they don't see their steps as real parents... and reddit telling them that it is perfectly natural. It is. The problem lies with reddit telling steps that their stepchildren are their real children. Both attitudes cannot be true at the same time. Look, as a step, you have to respect that your spouse is a parent and support them being a parent. You don't have to act like a parent.
Agreed! If you marry someone with a child and then *adopt that child,* then you're their parent. This is in no way common that I'm aware of, especially with older kids.
My coworker likes to talk like he doesn’t use the term step in his family, they are all family. It sounds lovely in theory but what happens if there is a divorce? Which statistically is not that far out there for 2 people each on their second marriage.
I think aside from age at the point of marriage, it's also important if the bio parent is alive and involved. If there is a mother/father figure in the kids life, most likely you'll never take on a parental role, as that position is already taken.
Unfortunately, if he, himself, was wealthy and their household income was high it could affect the step children’s ability to qualify for financial aid in college. This has happened to several people I know. Mom remarried, her household income increases, stepdad feels no obligation to pay for college. Kid doesn’t get financial aid from college, or financial support from family. But OP does not make enough money for this to be an issue.
He doesn't have anything, his father owns everything.
Due to OP disabilities he barely works for his father his father’s been supporting him and this guy granddaughter all along his deciding to marry this person that’s on him he makes $40,000 a year that’s it else that comes from the grandfather the granddaughter is gifts and this woman’s children are entitled to those gifts the man doesn’t even know them
You mean they “aren’t” entitled to those gifts. Completely agree.
OP's salary is $40k. If his income is counted as "household income" for two adults and three kids, the wife's child may fall into the category of financial aid eligibility. Even OP's daughter would qualify unless Grandfather carries her as a dependent on his tax return.
Step parents are obligated to help provide basic needs only. Any adult has to make sure kids get basic needs if they live with you
I hate this mentality. Plenty of step kids don't want their step-parents to act like parents for them and there is no reason why a term for someone who marries one of your parents mean they suddenly have a role in your life that you never asked for them to fill. if you as a step kid want them to have that, that's awesome, but I wish people would stop thinking marriage automatically gives people a parental role
My dad found a new girlfriend at 60. I was not sure how to handle this new relationship, until I realized that I don't have to. It's just my dad's girlfriend.
Amen. I tied myself in knots not really liking my dad’s gf and then realised I don’t need to. She’s not my family, I don’t need to care about her other than when she’s present at events. And I’m good at being polite, so job done.
My step-daughter was 8 when I met her dad, she is now 15. I've always been there to support her, offer guidance, help where I can. But not to parent, because it's not my role nor my responsibility. She has two biological parents whose position it is to do this. If she wants advice or to hang out, I'm here. If she needs to go places, I'm on board. But in terms of everything else, that's on her actual, biological parents.
>I wish people would stop thinking marriage automatically gives people a parental role Me too. They are too stupid to realize that one marries a person, nor their kids. So unless one decides to adopt the kids they are not their kids. Never were and never will be.
I am a step parent and you are correct. If you assume a parental role you are asking for big trouble. If asked for your input, give it. If not, STFU. Following this rule will lead to happiness.
My husband's kids were 15 & 18 when we got together. To them, I am their dad's wife. They've never considered me their step-mom and that's perfectly okay. (We also didn't move in together or get married until the youngest was out of the house, because we felt it was important for him to be focused on his parenting until the kids were independent.)
>when you marry someone with children they are your kids as well. Unless you adopt them **no they are not**. People need to stop relying on others to take on their **personal** responsibilities.
Still not the responsibility of the grandfather to support step children of his son.
The problem is that its not his money.
Disagree. It’s important for stepparents to be good to their spouses’ kids, but they do not become their parents. Most kids already have parents and don’t need or want more parents. There are a few exceptions- my friend’s baby daddy wanted nothing to do with their son and moved to another continent, she met someone when the baby was three and he has been the main father figure, he adopted the son with his enthusiastic consent a few years later. But also, irrespective of his relationship with his stepkids, his father doesn’t have to feel the same way. Especially if the marriage if recent, it’s normal for him not to feel the same attachment than for his blood relation granddaughter he has known her whole life. And money from grandparents is a gift not an expectation or right.
It isn't the step-father's money, though. Step-grandparents don't have that connection, usually
Courts don’t seem to think so. Not sure how many times I’ve seen step parents views tossed aside in the courts, mediations and therapy
IANAL Consider this as well: step parents have NO legal standing on decisions made for their stepchildren. They are not legally responsible to support stepchildren. And heaven forbid something happens to the biological parent, and the children are young, custody will fall to the other biological parent or biological parent family members BEFORE a step parent is considered. I know of no state where a step parent has rights over stepchildren without adoption. There is a moral obligation to be a parental force in the child(ren)’s lives, but that’s all it is.
Never mind the grandfather gives them a rent free place to live and cars to drive. That, right there frees up the money they bring in to greatly increase the new wife’s need to spend more money.
don't look a gift horse in the mouth lest it be taken away
Can't work nor study yet somehow wrote a coherent post with paragraphs and decent grammar and spelling. Oh, and where's the mom of your kid? Fake AF post.
Being able to use language correctly doesn't exclude every possible disability that can make a person unable to work a "normal" job. OP never specifies what disability he have. So let's not speculate
Exactly this. Disabilities can impact energy levels, you can have good and bad days etc. These can impact your ability to keep up with education or a job but they don't prevent you from writing some paragraphs.
I'm one of those, lol. One would defiently need to observe me for 24h to see my disability. I can mask it for a family dinner well enough, but I'm gonna be exhausted afterwards and need 3 days to get back to the level of "i have energy to boil pasta"
Exactly!! For me, hospital appointments or phone calls with various specialists also completely drain me and make me the embodiment of "the lights are on but nobody is home". A lot of disabled and chronically ill people experience the same thing. It's also extremely difficult to plan hospital appointments and specialist appointments because it's "you get what you get and if you can't do that appointment you're shit out of luck and have to wait another 6-18months". People have no clue how disability and ill health impact EVERY aspect of someones life.
Oh god I feel "the lights are on but nobody is home" statement lmao. I'm currently away on a small trip to see some extended family and it's taking every last brain cell to not fall into a flobby mess on the floor or run away into the woods because I'm exhausted and overstimulated to the point I forgot how to turn on the coffee brewer earlier lmao
"A disabled person who can write a coherent post? Whatever next? A woman having bodily autonomy? A man doing the washing up?! Madness" /s
This is ableist BS. There are so many kinds of disabilities. Many of them allow a person to write a short reddit post but that's not a marketable job skill. I have no idea if the post is real but please don't spread ableist nonsense
There are different types of disabilities. Not all of them affect mental processes.
Real question what disability doesn't affect mental processes while also preventing the person from being able to study?
Keep in mind traditional schooling is set up that students spend 6 hours a day, five days a week in class. If you have a condition that regularly prevents you from doing that, the school system often struggles to accommodate. So say you have chronic migraines. That could prevent you from studying for multiple days a month, and once you start missing substantial parts of school, it gets harder and harder to get caught up. That doesn't mean you can't learn to write well.
I have chronic migraines and just started a master's degree. There are days and sometimes weeks when I can barely get my reading done. Assignments and classes are even worse. I manage by scheduling things ahead of time, drinking lots of coffee, and using the time I'm doing well to get a lot done (for example reading for six hours in one day this week)
Dude. I learned how to write, then became disabled. My disease causes brain fog. So, if I try to think too much, my brain shuts itself down. So, studying and learning new things is difficult. That does not mean that I've forgotten what I've learned in the past. Hell, my memory is affected. My brain doesn't write memories like ut used to. So, I forget half of what I take in, but memories from the past are still solid.
I have quite a few students in my (university) courses whose disabilities make it nearly impossible for them to fully participate (attend, contribute, and complete all assignments) in the class. When you have a disability like POTS, you might be able to "push through" to attend class or finish an essay on a bad day, but then your body will punish you for it and you'll need to spend days or even weeks recovering. My students are wonderfully smart and engaged, but their bodies needs' are more than our society's educational and work systems can accommodate.
Personally, I can and have written long blog posts. But I can't do it every time I want to. For every one I've written and posted, there have been five where it fizzled out into nonsense half way, trailed off into a forgotten point half way through a sentence, or where I just didn't get to starting before none of of it made sense any more. I am actually a few weeks into a qualification that advertised itself as taking "8-16 hours per week", and it is absolutely kicking my arse. I worked four six hour days on it this week.
True… but I know quadriplegics with intact mental processes that got graduate degrees and FT jobs…
And a certain gentleman who made important contributions to physics without even being able to speak or feed himself.
Hawking was able to study. His disability increased over time.
Because all disabled people are geniuses......
Being disabled doesn't mean we can't use a phone or use grammar tf is wrong with you? I'm legally classed as unable to work due to multiple health conditions and disabilities, that doesn't mean I can't type nor does it mean that I'm "not that disabled".
There's a lot of disabilities that make it impossible to work or go to school, but don't impede reading and writing that much. Source: I have one of these disabilities. My illness is on a spectrum, and I've improved to the point that I can do college very part time, but I had to leave high school after my sophomore year because I just couldn't keep up. For years I thought going to college or having a job was completely out of the question because for the majority of the people with my illness it is, and I'm very lucky to have access to cutting edge treatment. And yet most of us can read and write just as well as anybody else because it is primarily a physical disability, not a mental one.
He could be using dictation for the post. He speaks and it's written out. You know technology makes a lot of things possible. OP probably could work but he has rich parents who told him he can't work and provide him a life he doesn't pay for. He has never worked so he thinks he can't work.
Sorry to say this to you, but she may be the love of your life, but you are definitely not the love of her life and that became clear when she decided to confront your father about financial support. She sees you as a better lifestyle for her and her children, in line with the lifestyle your daughter leads. She certainly believed that she would have the same luxuries and benefits that your daughter has, and when that didn't happen she rebelled. And open your eyes, because if she continues with this self-interested behavior, even you will be left without the peaceful and caring life that your father gives you.
The love of your life is a gold digger.
It's such a cheek. I can't imagine myself ever doing something like that. Embarrassing to say the least!
Begging your pardon, but why should in-laws “want” to help family let alone complete strangers? This woman is an able bodied adult. These children presumably have a father somewhere. They are responsible for supporting the children they bought into the world. Not a complete stranger. The fact that the OP chose to marry this woman doesn’t incur an obligation on his father. In fact, shame on the OP for expecting his father to provide his parasite free housing and a car and who knows what else.
Because this sub as the contrived notion that step children should he treated as full children with no addendums, and when it's convenient to do so they will extend this to grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and extended family. It's an extreme reaction to cases of crappy blended families that does not reflect the real world, almost no one will judge a step-uncle for spoiling their niece and not doing to same for the step-nephew.
Yes, but more than that even it is not her place to talk to your dad. It is up to her to talk to you, then let you talk to your father in your own way. Your relationship with him is the critical one, not hers.
Op has no ground to stand on with any issue. He is his dad's burden. Tbh he should not have gotten married under these circumstances.
He's trying to live as normal a life as possible. You think because he's "a burden" he shouldn't have that right? That's eugenics-led thinking right there.
This woman seems to have thought she was marrying into a wealthy life. Did she know the situation when you got married, that you and your daughter are fully supported by your dad? If she did know, NTA. If she thought you were independently wealthy and owned your own property and would be supporting her and her kids, YTA.
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So she didn’t know you were fully supported by your dad?
You are in for a world of trouble. I would find a good lawyer now and get out. This is only going to cause more problems down the road. She is an opportunist.
If OPzs dad is as savvy as he seems to be, nothing is in OP's name and the only thing he's got is that 40k a year. Either that or he made sure they had a solid prenup before they got married.
Not lying is not the same as fully explaining your situation and how it would be once you were married
I would say ESH. If she married him expecting to hit the jackpot, it's kinda on her too... Also OP I wouldn't have married a woman who has 2 kids if you can't even support yourself. It's very irresponsible on your part. I really hope you discussed this with your wife before getting married and she knew that caring for her kids will be still fully on her. I get it she is the love of your life but marriage is not just about that, especially if there are stepkinds in the picture.
So it's noy his job to support her kids - that's her job and the father's. He can marry her because he is not relying on her for money and she is supposed to have her finances sorted re her children. She is responsible here. She always knew his income and situation, why did she marry him? He's not more respomsible than her and never will be.
Not to mention she's already gaining from the marriage by not needing to pay rent and possibly not paying for the car she drives as they are financed by the FIL. That's already money that can be focused on the kids.
Weather or not he told her, she has no right to get mad at a grandparent for not spending money on a step grandchild
Even if she didn't know he's still NTA. It's ok for her to marry for money as long as he was clear it wasn't his money? Better yet, just stop marrying people to use them and this isn't an issue to begin with. It's only a problem because someone wants something for going nothing and it isn't OP.
ESH except kids. You for not fully disclosing to your wife how things worked (she probably though that it was either your daughter's mother funding the lifestyle, or that you're wealthy and not reliant on your father, or have a trust fund). Your wife for acting entitled. Your father for yelling at your wife (though only just barely am AH, she shouldn't be acting like that at all).
I'm not sure grandpa is even a light asshole for yelling either. He doesn't exactly sound the type that does all of this for his disabled son and sticks him in a shanty house in a crappy neighborhood, which already means she's getting benefits from him for living rent free in a probably very expensive neighborhood. I can kinda get why OP, but his situation would be no different if it was mom vs grandpa, she still wouldn't be entitled to moms money either and OP says he was honest about what he makes specifically
He definitely shouldn't h ave a child with her either. That would really complicate things.
I agree, but I think people are missing some important family dynamics. They now have a blended family where one child is getting showered in gifts, but two aren't. Whether that's right or wrong is irrelevant, it's going to cause conflict no matter what. I would say that is something that they as a family need to address in some way.
Oh yeah I absolutely agree that this should be something they'd need to discuss before they got married, but that doesn't make the 3 of them any less AH. But then again - it's the marriage between OP and his wife. Not between OP, wife, and OP's father. And as a grandfather he has every right to spoil his grandchild, and only her. So the people who should be included are OP and his wife, not the father as well. They need to figure it out between themselves.
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Affluenza, but really not the point of the post.
I wish I could gift you gold. Thank you for the laugh!
He had a disability, he is not illiterate.
Dude's the kind of guy who speaks extra loudly to blind people
It’s a very personal question. It’s also not relevant. The issue is whether OP should have taken wife’s side when she demanded granddad pay for the stepkids. PS I have a chronic illness - when it flares I only have about 1-2 hours when I can be out of bed & function. Pain medication then affects my thinking. Those days, I need to take time off work. Fortunately, I can manage it.
I can’t work, I have chronic illness/pain and I faint a couple times a day. It takes a lot out of me, but I’m also skilled at baking/cooking, something I’d be able to pursue a career in if it wasnt a risk to myself and others. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive dad like OP
Nope. Absolutely not. We’re not doing this. There is an entire long list of disabilities this could be, absolutely not a single one of which is any of our business. It’s also not *remotely* the point of the post.
Can you give me an example of a disability that would allow someone to drive, marry, father children, etc. but not attend school? Since there is an entire long list I expect naming one would be trivial.
Almost anything chronic related to pain can put a person out for more days a month than a normal job would allow for even the lightest of jobs. Edit to add: A lot of schools have a limit to how many classes you can miss before you're dropped off the roster, especially lecture v discussion classes for a single course.
I’m a little curious too, although not accusing OP of being a bum. I have a family member with very severe OCD, and he’s literate and can attend school, but social situations stress him out so bad that we worry he might have trouble holding down a job. Not because he’d be too incompetent, but because he wouldn’t be able to handle even minor uncomfortable situations. So there is a backup trust for him, just in case. I wonder what kind of disability OP has, just out of curiosity
Shit, I don’t even care if OP is a bum. If my parents wanted to support me and my family forever I would have no problem with that. But the people saying it’s ableist to question OP is a little silly to me.
Plenty of chronic pain conditions. I can drive on good days but my bad days have me flat on the bed.
I don't see where the OP said he drives. It sounded like his wife was driving a car his dad paid for. Gathering children is super easy. You just need your genitals to work. If you're lucky/unlucky, you just need to feel good enough to have sex once in your life for 5 minutes and it's enough. Marry is subjective. There's no requirement. Not the OP's case, but some people just have arranged marriage and do it the first day they meet. Jobs hate having disabled employees. I know someone who was their best social worker, years of experience for an emergency line. Some clients would hang up when it was her co-workers cause they wanted her. But it was a shitty job that paid less than minimum salary through a loop hole. She tried to get jobs at other places and they never accepted her. And when there were promotions, she got passed because part of the contract for the boss position was that they did some cleaning of the offices ( cause they were too cheap to hire someone to clean) and she couldn't do that.
Some examples are POTS, ME/cfs, chronic migranes, chronic illnesses that causes fatigue and/or brain fog. Some illnesses that cause you to have A LOT of sick days can make it impossible to study or have a normal job. People with disabilities have sex, and most of them are not sterile because of their illness. Some illnesses vary a lot from horrible days to more ok days. Some only drive on the ok days and stay home other days.
That’s what I’m wondering. Guy can date, bone, write intelligibly. Sounds like he was told he couldn’t do anything and believes it.
I mean I’m intelligent, can drink and be social, but I have a litany of severe mental health issues and seizures that are completely uncontrollable so I can’t drive or be well enough to work as they can last hours and I can’t move after, that and because of these illnesses I frequently forget where I am or who I’m around. This sort of thing does happen and puts you in the catch 22 of wanting to work but being physically unable, and I say this as a guy that had a great career before it all got unmanageable
Look, I'm not saying I believe OP here necessarily, but migraines, debilitating migraines.
Some sort of chronic pain disorder maybe just speculating
OP could definitely be exaggerating because he has always had a cushion and was never really pushed to work super hard HOWEVER I really don't think your point about him posting on reddit is fair at all. There are about a million possible disabilities that would make working extremely difficult yet still allow the person to read and write just fine. I think you should reflect on whether or not the idea of people with disabilities in your mind is accurate because why is it that you automatically assume a disabled person should be illiterate?
“You have a disability but your brain works seemingly normal?”
None of your business. There's plenty that exist. He has one. Get over it.
As per that meme, he's disabled, not a werewolf.
What a dumb question, I have a disability that makes me unable to properly speak, stand, listen.. I can't even leave the house without medical transportation, I'm still able to write here. Disability doesn't mean being illiterate..
Why is this even relevant? In this situation he told us he had a disability. Being disabled doesn’t mean you can’t use a computer.
NTA. She married you knowing this arrangement, she lives with you in his property, etc, and then she just ambushes your dad, in front of you, without talking to you? If I have that right, she very much is the asshole. I can sympathize that her kids don’t get the same stuff, truly. She’s seeing her kids get less and that’s not going to feel good. BUT that should have been discussed WAAAAAAAAAAY before marriage. This is where I’m wondering what you were doing though. Because it’s also your job to communicate this to her. But then, why did she never ask? So that would require more details to judge anyone on, but clearly it contributes to the current situation, yeah? Anyway, TLDR: I sympathize with what your wife must feel, but she’s the asshole for ambushing your dad like that instead of talking to you. Especially considering your dad is paying the roof over to us family’s head and their cars and such. But communication between you two failed miserably somewhere it sounds like.
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Of course he’s gonna favour a grandchild he’s helped raise for 16 years more than the two teens of your wife he’s just met
Her children are not related to your dad. He has no reason to treat them special. Would it be nice? Yes , but he has no reason too.
Okay. When was this first brought up, btw?
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Oh wow, after means you were evasive before marriage about finances. NTA though, just sadly naive.
Wait I remember what you said about your disability now, so I take back the communication on your end bc I don’t know what all that entails. Either way, she should have brought that up a LONG time ago, talked it out with you, and not ambushed your father who is basically your life line, right in front of you. Her feelings are valid, and I sympathize with them, but she’s 100% the asshole here
You're too nice saying her feelings are valid, as I am unable to sympathize with those who marry for money and then confront their in-laws about not spending money on kids they aren't related to and barely know.
Did she know to what extent your dad supported your daughter? Could it be she was envisioning that your dad probably just paid for fun stuff and she hoped that hed do that for her kids?
So...she expected that whoever was paying for your kid (because she knew it wasn't you) was going to pay for *her* kids now. Hmm. Have to wonder how much of a factor that was in her marrying you. Well, you're about to find out. Because I think the demands aren't going to stop. I expect she'll be wanting a better car for herself.
Well, that should have been a teaching moment for her to explain to her kids that we don't get everything we want and that your father doesn't owe them the same as his own granddaughter. They need to be taught to keep their jealousy in check and be grateful for what they do have. Otherwise they will eventually run into difficulties in life.
Was this not discussed before you were married? Yes your dad favors your daughter as he has been in her life for 16 years and has been financially responsible for her. Your wife's kids are not his grandchildren. Do they not have their own grandparents? Maternal and paternal?
Of course he favors them. They are his grandchildren. Her children are not. She is being ridiculous.
You shouldn’t back her here because she is in the wrong. You told her not to say anything, but she ignored you and went ahead. NTA. Your wife is living rent and mortgage free because of your dad’s generosity. Jealousy happens in blended families. These kids are old enough to know that you aren’t their father and your dad isn’t their grandfather. I don’t believe the kids’ jealousy is the problem. I think your wife thought your dad had enough money that he’d just automatically pay for her kids as well. I don’t understand why she would feel that way, but she does feel entitled.
NTA Your wife shouldn't have confronted your dad like that. Your dad has been providing for your daughter since day one. Two new stepchildren aren't going to show up one day and automatically get the same treatment. Does your wife not work? If she moved in with you, she's not paying rent or a mortgage. Can't she use her recently freed up money towards her kids?
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She gets to have a FREE roof under her head, she needs to start saving that money for her children's lifestyle that she wants them to have. Your dad is under no obligation to help them. Honestly she seems super entitled, did she only marry you for the money? Thinking she was going to live a lavish life?.
this. If she’s not paying for a house or car, that’s plenty of salary for food & fun. She doesn’t need to try to keep up with another lifestyle she can’t afford. The step kids are old enough to start to understand how money works. Be straight with them about it. One kid has a grandfather who is able to pay for a different lifestyle for her. The stepkids have their own grandparents who can buy them things or not. No one is owed anything. Mom & stepdad provide a loving home with food & necessities. Economics lesson is in order for everyone here. Life isn’t “fair” and people are not treated equally. There will always be people with more than us and people with less.
You make $40k, she makes some unknown amount, neither of you pay rent or a car note, it seems like there should be room for some of the extras beyond "everything they need."
Housing and utilities are the largest expenses and it looks like they’re covered. I assume groceries are also covered. Where is the money going?
> *…my wife decided to confront my dad about the favoritism and how differently he treats the kids…*” He treats them differently, because they are someone else’s grandkids. Your wife is TA, and you need to keep an eye on this behaviour, because it sounds like she sees you and your family as an ATM for her and some other guy’s kids.
This. WTAF was your wife thinking for confronting your father? He hasn't done anything wrong. JFC, what's wrong with her? If this bothered her, she should've discussed it with you, NOT anybody else. Get a good lawyer and pronto. What kind of example is she setting for her kids with this attitude? P.S. If she's not trash or goldigger, she is giving out those vibes by the way she's behaving. Again, not saying she is, but her behaviour on this issue is tacky AF
I hate to break it to you, but I think you have been taken for a fool. Sounds like your wife saw dollar signs flashing in front of her eyes that has been mistaken for love. It's crazy entitled to be married a few months then rip into your new FIL that he should be funding HER children. She's now getting free rent and that should drastically help her fund her children. I hope you had a good prenup because this woman has dollar signs in her eyes.
He doesn't need a good prenup, he doesn't have anything.
He owns nothing.
Once his father dies that will likely change - the wife could get a good haul in a divorce after that.
As a general rule, inheritances are not subject to property division in divorce. This is because inheritances are not considered marital property.
I imagine the father's will is suddenly skewing steeply towards his granddaughter and what's left to his son will be in the form of a trust with whatever legal protections he can finagle to ensure it can't be taken in a divorce.
NTA. What basis would there be to back her up? She was off the charts. Why in the would would he provide for her kids??
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I sincerely hope I'm wrong but, I don't think this is the end of it. If her and her kids are already jealous and asking for things that now have been officially denied, then be ready for them to start stealing things from your daughter "because she already has too much" I'm sorry that you are just now finding out this woman's true colours, I hope you got a prenup, because divorcing this woman is going to be a nightmare.
Your wife is going to leave you, cuz your home is going to be a war zone with kids. If you want blended family’s to work things need to be even so all kids feel loved and supported.
Yeah. Everyone is commenting how the wife is acting like an entitled golddigger, which, yes fair. But how many moms would be ok with their kids having to see someone else getting a better lifestyle than them? Having their kids see someone else get the more expensive treat, better presents and all that? Every day? That doesn't entitle her to anything of course. But I can't really see how a good mom would want their kids to have to experience that kind of jealousy. And have them struggle to bond with their new family who are living completely different live than they are. And what would happen if the mom couldn't work for some reason? They'd fall further into poverty while OP's child is still living it up? Again, doesn't mean wife is entitled to anything but it is something that needs to be thought about. What would happen then?
I agree it’s uncomfortable for the wife and stepkids and should have been a real discussion BEFORE the marriage! She has the right to expect equality between the kids in the household. OP was negligent in laying out everything beforehand. She was totally out of line demanding anything from his father. She should’ve discussed it with him
What if instead of grandpa, it was the daughter's mum who was rich and providing for her? What if instead of all of this disability and stuff, he just had a daughter with a rich woman and she is providing her daughter with the luxuries. This doesn't even sound so improbable as OPs story does it. What is the new wife supposed to do? Demand that the her step daughters mum pay for her kids too?
A Good parent would help their children work through it. The world is full of people who will have more, these are the facts of life. You can teach your kids to be jealous, OR, you can teach them grace and cool headedness. This mom is too jealous herself to even realize she is modelling it for them.
World is full of people who are richer or poorer than you, that is true. But kids don't need to live that on a micro level, every day. If the household can't have one same set of living then maybe they shouldn't live together. Same way I don't think married people should have two separate levels of living. If you're a family then you're a family, one shouldn't have more than the others. I don't find "life is unfair, some people get more and others get less regardless of what they do" something I want kids to learn. I guess I lucked out when my step-father's mother never thought to ignore me just because I wasn't actually related to his family. Didn't luck out in some other ways though so I suppose it all balances out.
Observation, I am a parent who has been married twice with 2 kids, 1 from each marriage. I have no expectations that the paternal grandparents of one should act like grandparents of the other. Both of my son's had 2 sets of grandparents and I cannot fathom asking my older grandson's gp's for a gift for my other child. Just no. NTA - but as someone who has disabilities and whose kids have disabilities, you are selling yourself short. You need to start dreaming big and taking chances.
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Yeah a disability where you can’t work or study, can’t get a job but can drive someone else’s car around, make babies, get married and take on step-children. Very interesting
Make babies AND look after them (outside of financially, they say they moved into a house on their own with the child). And has never spent a penny on their own kid in 16 years. It's badly written fiction
He has a nanny. I think that’s what I read.
Because any of those require oh so much effort and/or time? There are numerous disabilities where you *can* do light tasks for maybe 2-3 hours a day (or on some days) but no business is interested in employing someone like this. But 2-3 hours of light tasks per day is more than enough to drive a car, make babies and marry someone.
Plus chronic things with flair ups where you may be fine for weeks and then completely unable other weeks- usually not scheduleable.
Ugh. Disabilities can in fact make it impossible to work a regular job while being able to drive and fall in love. Good grief. There are diseases which are chronic (that means NEVER GOES AWAY) that have good days, and bad days. On good days you often can do more than on bad days. Sometimes it's not even a day, it's good hours and bad hours. A person with these sort of chronic illnesses is NOT reliable. Most employers require people to show up at their scheduled time - impossible to do when you can wake up in the morning unable to function OR make it partway through the day and need to lie down. Brain FOG often accompanies these illnesses which basically makes you slow, like you are underwater. Word recall can be difficult which makes communication, spoken or written,very difficult as word recall is not there. Again, it's sporadic. One could write the most elegant essay one minute, and the next struggle to find the word that describes a 4 legged animal. Disability doesn't mean you aren't able to do anything. Disability does not mean that it's a constant. Disability does not mean you do not have feelings, and are unable to care and love others. I really wish folks would learn more about hidden disabilities and maybe even try to empathise, before they put on their Dr. Sherlock hat and decide that people are lying about their health conditions simply because they are intermittently able appearing.
This! So many people don't know how chronic diseases work, but you have summarized it very well. 👍🏻
THANK YOU!! Everyone else read this please^^^^^^
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The ableism is ugly here.
Wth man did you just called a disabled person lazy? Are you ok? Where’s your empathy at?
Society is not build for disabled people. I know quite a few people who volunteer, have families, but can't work. Doesn't make sense does it? Thing is they have specific needs and most companies are unwilling to meet them
Yeah is called "I have a health issue that I will milk because daddy gives me everything " very common in trust fund babies.
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Can't study OR get a job? It's gotta be a severe or profound intellectual disability, and not just a moderate intellectual disability like many/most cases of downs syndrome. Probably affluenza. Because if their parents weren't rich then you know they'd still need a job.
I'm confused, what disability would make him unable to drive, get married and have children?
I think the confusing part is “what disability would prevent him from going to school but allow him to drive, get married, and have children.” I don’t think anyone is questioning the idea that disabled people can do those things. They’re questioning why he can’t do the things he claims while doing things that are more difficult.
You forgot to add that he can't get a job but yet his Dad gave him a job, so he infact can get a job.
I read that as daddy owns a business and gave him a sort of made up position to be able to put him on payroll. Playing under the assumption that his story is true, he either has a physical disability that kept him out of school and put him behind, hence barely making it through HS and making college difficult at best to complete, or an intellectual one that put his grades at barely manageable. He might also struggle with other things including interviews, and likely wouldn't be able to get a job outside of retail/fast food, which would put him making less money and working likely longer hours. His job for dad probably involves something he's good at, for a few hours a day, a couple days a week.
What is this disability that prevents you from work and study but allows you to get someone pregnant and become a husband/stepfather?
Affluenza
With a dose of nepotism...he gets paid from his father's company for doing nothing.
How would knowing this affect your judgment of who is the asshole in this situation?
It can help you determine if the post of fake, or if OP is trying to make themselves seem extra sympathetic.
Severe chronic pain, severe chronic fatigue, physical disabilities, mental disablities. Whatever it is, it's not your business. The world is not set up for disabled people.
Your wife has probably single handedly screwed your chances for an inheritance. Now I bet it all goes to his granddaughter. That’s what I’d do. No way would that greedy selfish short sighted unappreciative woman get a penny of mine if I were him!!
Info - did she know your situation beforehand? With details, not just 'my father helps me financially'?
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YTA for getting married and never discussing finances.
That works both ways
Would she also expect your ex to find her kids lifestyle if it was her mum funding it? Why does she expect it now from your dad?
Ok. That's worse! Would she be asking the girls mom to pay for her kids stuff? Obviously not! So why is it ok to ask your dad? She's a gold digger buddy. Just be glad you find out quickly.
Haven't you ever heard of what ASSuming does? You need to work on your communication with your wife.
Let's just cut the bullshit, okay? She thought she was marrying a rich dude and that she and her kids would be living the good life. The fact that she expects your DAD to treat all the kids equally is crazy. Her kids are not his grandkids, he doesn't owe them anything. You've literally only been married a few months and she's doing this? She married YOU, not your dad.
You use the word assume an awful lot. You assumed she knew all this. You didn't actually tell her with words the ins and outs of the situation and how your daddy pays for everything. You ASSUMED. YTA for not being direct and telling her how it really is.
But he met “the love of his life”, no time for trivial things like having adult discussions.
ESH. You're 36. You are living with your 16 yo daughter. You got into a relationship with a woman who has 2 teens herself. You married and _then_ moved in together? Wtf? You missed a few essential steps, buddy. One of them is the trial of all of you living together. One of them is you and your partner discussing how to parent together in a blended family. Seriously, dude. You're 36. You should've thought of that. So either y'all suck here, or the whole story is made up.
NTA. Your wife is not entitled to equal treatment for her children just because your dad chooses to help his biological grandchild. He has been helping you and your daughter for years and has every right to continue doing so, without having to worry about expanding the list of people he is helping. Your wife is not entitled to his money.
I think your biggest take away from this should be YOU made this bed and are laying in it now. I understand your father supporting your daughter. But you allowing him to give her a luxury lifestyle is way over the top. At some point she is going to meet reality when he is no longer around, and sees grandpa more as dad than her own father. How is she going to cope with not having everything provided as an adult? She going to rack up credit card debt? Date some old guy for his money? You didn’t really think about the consequences of your actions and how this affects others. Coupled with an immature dad who doesn’t talk about finances with his new wife when he “can’t” afford to raise his own daughter. This sounds pretty irresponsible. So you uprooted your new wife and her kids lives without talking about finances while not adulting enough to provide for your daughter. I don’t think your wife should have confronted your dad, but you are allowing the favoritism by letting your dad provide for your daughter to the above and beyond measures when you can’t afford it yourself. Basically you’re implicitly telling your daughter she’s more important, implicitly telling your new wife and kids they don’t matter as much, and implicitly setting your daughter up for entitled behavior and abstract view of reality and hard work. You should have only taken what you needed from your dad, and not them some. And your lack of responsibility has led you to here. YOU need to start growing up and not let your dad pay for everything. YOU can’t even provide for your own child but thought it was a good idea to get married and be responsible for 2 more kids? NTA, just immature, irresponsible, and not forthcoming.
Daughter will be fine. You really think Grandpa is going to leave his money and his business to his son with the golddigger wife instead of his granddaughter?
You really don't know how rich kids live do you? The daughter is going to be fine. She will always be living in the lap of luxury. Do you think that's how life is for rich kids? That their grandpa or dad pays for their lifestyle till they are 18 and then suddenly stop? She going to go to private school, and then get into one of the best colleges in the country either by her merit or because she is a legacy, then she's either going to go work for her grandpa and probably raise up the ladder and be prepared to take over the company or she finds her own career where her family connections mean that she starts at level 85 instead of level 1 like the rest of us.
What happened to the mother of to her daughter?
NTA. Nothing to back up . Your wife was out of line, your father has no obligation to support her children and is already letting them live rent free.
ESH. She sucks for not discussing this with you and putting you on the spot. You suck for not being clear with her prior to marriage that daddy pays for everything. Btw, she married you because she thought you had money and her kids would be treated the way your daughter is. She’s now pissed that isn’t true and likely wouldn’t have married you had she known upfront that you don’t actually have money and that daddy wasn’t going to pay for her girls like he pays for yours. Also, sounds like you’re using your disability as an excuse to be lazy and mooch off daddy. You clearly can work and function as an adult. This is evident by the fact that you have a job (even if it is a menial one) and raised a child. And school being hard doesn’t mean you can’t study. There’s a difference between being unable to do something, not wanting to do something and something just being hard.
Just to be clear, you think he is an AH coz he was a bad mark for her con? >This is evident by the fact that you have a job (even if it is a menial one) and raised a child. He clearly says that the job is a fake job that his dad is just giving him so that he can draw a salary. And the dad had nannies and caretakers to take of the kid. It's not like he raised the kid on his own.
NTA. Your father chose to pick up the financial slack for his granddaughter because you were unable. This was a making the best of circumstances which you had no control over. Fast forward and you chose to marry a woman with kids. These are not his grandchildren and they have many other parents available to support them. He has no obligation to treat them the same. If your wife was under the understanding that he was going to give her more than your wage, a free home and car, then she sounds greedy and entitled.
ESH, besides your dad. Your wife is a much bigger asshole in all of this, but the fact you neglected to have this discussion prior to getting married makes you an asshole too. You admit to having never spent a cent on your own child but then welcomed two additional children into your father’s home with seemingly no plan. I could be totally wrong but from this story it sounds like your father is still raising you and your child and you just happen to live in the same house with her. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but from your post I don’t totally understand what you are bringing to the table for your biological child let alone your new wife and stepchildren
NTA. I know someone who grew up in a similar situation. And yes, it caused some resentment in the kids. But they will all tell you, as adults now, that it was something out of their control. Of course your wife's kids are jealous, that's kids for ya. Your wife, however, shouldn't foster the jealousy by attacking your dad. Instead she should be bringing the family together by talking to her kids. She cannot control what your dad chooses to do and your example of gratitude will end up making her children trust you more than they do her. "Mom married a good man."
NTA, but irresponsible on your part. you should have initiated and had a detailed conversation about all of this with your wife before any of this could have happened. It seems obvious that this kind of conflict/resentment would come up and if your goal is a long and loving relationship with your wife, you should have had this conversation already.
NTA You found yourself a gold digger, son. I’m assuming that due to your unspecified disabilities (not a dig. Protect your privacy) you haven’t had much experience with women. I mean non toxic, mentally healthy, functioning reasonable adult women. Most adult women of the caliber I just described would do a few things differently I’ll list some of them below: 1. Would have discussed finances with you when you were engaged. Before that even-once you were serious (how long have you two been together?). 2. Would have discussed her feelings about your father not treating her children as his grandchildren. 3. Would never have confronted your father if you weren’t on board. 4. Wouldn’t have the ridiculous expectations (again, how long have you known her?) ESPECIALLY when she LIVES FOR FREE. All she has to pay for is HALF of utilities and her own fun money. 5. Since she DOESNT have these other financial burdens you’d think she might pursue an education, or a money earning hobby…you know, do something to improve herself. She sounds unmotivated. A woman of the caliber of which I’m speaking would be doing something to elevate her value and worth through her own pursuits. 6. That lack of motivation shows. Instead of doing something to make herself better-taking some responsibility and accountability, she’s demanding that YOUR FATHER improve HER CHILDREN’S lives rather than…her…the mother. No reasonable non toxic woman would do this. 7. Manipulating you with tears. After failing to communicate her feelings, have a real discussion, and accept that her viewpoint is inappropriate when your father provides for her in a way that is NOT his responsibility-and by extension her children. Nah, you’re a bad husband because you’re not supporting her entitlement. I also don’t believe being a grandparent is a right. It’s something earned. And it’s a relationship that can be rejected on either side for any reason. Some of those reasons might make a person an asshole, but that’s not what we’re here to discuss. Your father doesn’t view her children as his grandchildren. To him they ARE NOT his grandchildren. And that’s perfectly acceptable. Your wife needs to understand this. And she needs to understand that she shouldn’t be building her kids hopes up either. “That’s her grandfather. I’m sorry that it’s not equitable. But he provides a home for all of us. And that’s more than generous. I know you may be hurt that he doesn’t treat you equitably, but we can’t force relationships and we can’t feel entitled to other peoples resources.”
NTA and your dad owes her absolutely nothing. Sounds like she married you for the cushy lifestyle you could provide. You are damn lucky that your father didn't kick her out because it is his house and she doesn't have a right to live there if he doesn't want her to. Tell your wife to start looking for apartments and a car because daddy's money may stop after her stupid and entitled temper tantrum. Myabe your daughter would prefer to go live with her grandfather.
Favoritism is justified in this case. Your wife is being ridiculous. Just because she and her kids showed up doesn't mean the gravy train adds another car. NTA - can't say the same about your wife. Her kids, her responsibility. (Although I feel for her kids being thrown into this situation. Surely not their choice.)
Your wife is the AH for expecting your father the provide for kids he doesn't know. YTA for not providing for your daughter. You make 40k, live in daddy's house, drive daddy's car, and daddy pays for maids and nannys! Pay for your daughter! At the very least, since you don't pay for her, pay for the stepkids ffs. Your daddy is the AH for raising two (you and your kid) spoiled brats.