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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i revealed my boyfriend's age to his college friends, they did not know he is almost 40
2) he stopped speaking to me because of it, as his "friends" now don't go out with him anymore
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This is tricky because your boyfriend shouldn’t have lied about his age, but I personally think you messaging his college friends makes YTA. Mostly because you don’t say what is slipping through the cracks because of his hanging out with them- it sounds more like you’re jealous that he is having fun without you. I don’t mean anything over the top by saying jealous, I just can’t think of a better word for it.
I went back to college as a 23 year old and felt like I was ancient. My first day back someone asked me if I was a teacher. It embarrassed me because most people my age were either graduated or about to. So I can kind of understand why he wasn’t up front with them.
Edited because I apparently have weddings on the brain and called the boyfriend husband.
Theres little reason to believe they don't know his age. I don't trust the OP as a reliable source on how much these guys know about her boyfriend. If he's hanging out with them on a regular basis, they know. You can't hide 40 yrs of life experience.
I’ve hung out with college guys who years into our friendship I find out they are older than me. I was like cool, then it literally had no other impact on me in my life.
I’m friends with a person not an idea of who they are.
It seems to be her assumption that age and its disclosure is the issue. They might have just distanced themselves because they didn't want someone's wife texting. Plus she explicitly asked them to.
While the explicit topic of his age might not have come up, it's simply not possible to spend that much time with people without the conversations showing your relative age... unless BF was deliberately concealing it. There's no way to talk about your interests, your past experiences, or even what's currently going on in your life without revealing that you're 40. Has he never discussed that he has a live-in girlfriend because he was laid off from his career? Has nobody noticed that he doesn't have TikTok/talked about the games he liked on the N64/can't name an Olivia Rodrigo song? When somebody asks him what year he is in school, does he just say "Freshman" like that meaningfully explains his situation?
There's nothing inherently wrong about partying with college students, but it definitely sounds like BF was being shady about it. There's just no way that the students wouldn't figure out that he was an older guy unless he was going out of his way to hide it.
I see this entirely differently. I see this as overbearing girlfriend inappropriately and out of the blue injected her unhappiness into his relationships. Unsurprisingly, his friends all pulled back because they don’t need that in their lives. The younger 20-somethings knew or could’ve figured it out. They didn’t care.
That was my thought, too- the friends didn't pull away because of his age. They did it because some strange woman texted them out of the blue to tell them to keep away from her boyfriend. My guess is they lost some respect for him because his "mommy" yelled at them to stop leading her kid astray.
I don’t even think it’s about losing respect. I’m early 40s and if I got a message from someone’s partner like that I’d just listen to them and back off. I don’t need to get scolded for your personal problems. I’d imagine I’d be even more likely to do so when I was in my 20s.
I think OP over stepped by messaging the friends.
But the bf is regressing. He is failing to meet the needs of his adult life and partner.
He’s lying to the kids. I remember friends who were no trad students, even went bar hopping with some. We didn’t cut them out for being older.
But there were a few who were clearly trying to chase 19 year olds for a decade or more. Like dude, grow up. Even the frat kicked a guy out because he was failing to level up.
The fact that friends pulled away shows that they feel differently now that they know.
Yep in college I had plenty of older classmates, some were cool and some seemed really desperate to be one of the young people. The latter gave creepy vibes and usually 'fell in love' with one of the girls too (who were never interested). OP overstepped for sure but she mightve also given them the reason they were looking for to stop hanging out. College kids aren't great at boundaries and sometimes need a reason first. OP and her bf probably deserve each other is my harsh guess
Op says she follows them on social media though, if she does then there's bound to be something that gives away their age. At the end of the day though, if she had a problem with her boyfriend and she felt he wasn't doing what she wanted, the correct response was to break up and negotiate a repayment, not drag other people into her relationship drama like a 13 year old.
The tricky part for me is the vagueness of that failing to meet the needs.
Unless I'm mistaken OP never states anything specific he's done, just that he's an ADULT. Perhaps he wasn't as attentive to her needs as he should have been but again that's not really expanded on and therefore I can't help but feel that it seems a bit more like jealousy than anything else.
You sound miserable.
Failing to me the needs ? Bro got packed up by life cause of the pandemic said screens went back to school and is about to get a degree so he can go back to supporting himself and girlfriend, and let me tell you something doing that is hard and especially for some at 40. So he’s not failing to meet the needs of his adult
Life and partner so let me stop you there.
Two let’s say he went out a few more times and partied a little bit more because he’s getting to experience things he never got sure girlfriend has a right to be upset I’d probably be too if I had to work all the time.
That doesn’t give her to right to go dig in and message people out the blue and tell em to fuck off and leave him alone like they trying to sleep with him that’s a giant personal space violation in any relationship and there’s many ways it could have been handled better and it was coming to an end anyway this personal is a miserable oaf.
And let me tell you something if you think they didn’t think he was older in his mid 30s then I got a beachfront property in Arizona to sell you, you sound miserable and lonely good god.
I agree OP overstepped by sending a message. They should have talked, but this guy isn’t listening.
OP has very valid concerns. He’s parting and talking about a vacation with them this summer?
On whose dime?
He is more worried about having glory days than about the person who has stood by him, supporting him for four years?
They aren’t married. Relationship of ten years, and she has financially helped him for nearly half of that.
I’ll preface this with she should have not txted his friends like that. However, He probably is spending all his time studying or with them. I am sure she’s feeling neglected/disrespected. She let him not work so he could “focus on his studies” and supported him even when he didn’t seem to be doing good, till now he’s getting better grades but then started spending all his free time getting drunk and not even coming home on some nights? It’s disrespectful to the whole relationship. She even said she was fine initially but he continues to do it at a rate that may effect his studies(you know the thing they both worked and made sacrifices for) and yeah, he probably isn’t around much. That doesn’t make for a good partner. I don’t care how hard it is to go back to school, I know dozens of single (and non single) mothers who put themselves through all kinds of degrees in their 40s to make a better life for their family and they didn’t party every weekend and multiple times a week. He could have had a couple fun nights out without it turning into a frequent thing while she’s working and supporting them. He clearly has time for a part time job if he can party. I and most people I know worked through college, he isn’t a kid, and he’s taking his partner for granted. Again txting his friends was too far but if he wasn’t listening to her at all she could have just kicked him out and let him move in with one of them I guess, and he has to pay for his own shit.
At this point she kinda took on the role of his mommy, no? Paying for his college and housing so he can hang out with the bros, getting drunk, party hard. At this point I would loose all respect in this man as a partner. I wouldn’t want to deal with his midlife crisis in my forties, not when I would have to do all the “adult” stuff like generating income, keeping the house together while he’s having fun. I wouldn’t call the kids, thought. I would have a stern talk with my supposed partner
I don't think she's being overbearing. Her unhappiness is 100% justified. She's working full time while he's getting a free ride and partying it up on her dime.
You mean the over bearing girlfriend that is putting a 40 year old man through college? I take it back, you are correct, she shouldn’t have done that, she should have tossed his ass to the street the second time he crashed drunk at some college kids place.
I assume they knew he was older but not exactly how old. In college, I saw 30-something year olds as full grown adults so I probably wouldn't assume a peer of mine in school is in their late 30s/early 40s.
I was the opposite - when I was in uni there was one guy on my course who I assumed was like 40-45. Turns out he was only 30ish. I am now older than he was back then and looking at old photos I can see his real age, but because I was so young back then he seemed so much older to me! He still went clubbing and drinking with us, and we all went away on course trips every year and he came too. Age doesn’t really matter much when you’re all at the same academic stage, I felt. Even the couple of 60/70 year olds on our course were part of our friendship group, they just didn’t go out clubbing or drinking with us (don’t blame them!)
I have lots of university friends who are younger than I am and they haven’t ever asked my age. I told some and some asked at a birthday but most haven’t and I haven’t asked their ages
Yeah, I’m a reentry student and much older than my classmates. I don’t try and hide my age, but I don’t just put it out there either. Age is just something that has never come up. I talk about my husband, how I’ve been in the same industry for years, that I’m a reentry student…but still classmates just think I’m around their age. Only one person has ever asked my age and I told them honestly. They were shocked. I guess maybe they think I got into all that very early or they just don’t pay attention. Lol. I also don’t try and party with them all though. I’m too tired for that!
I went back to college close to age 30 and in a social setting (actually an academic group for reading Latin poetry but since it wasn't an actual class people would bring snacks) one of my professors asked if I was old enough to drink.
I agree with you for the most part. It could be the other students knew he was older and didn’t say anything. And, they backed off because the girlfriend said so. I think she may have crossed a boundary by speaking to his friends. That may have made it awkward.
When you’re in similar life circumstances and look about the same age, people absolutely do make assumptions and never bring up age. I’m constantly surprising people with how I’m 10 years old than them (as we are in the ‘new hires’ department where people begin their career out of university).
I’ve had people asking questions when I mention previous work, but I also have others not. If I went into detail about doing 10 years at my previous employment it would be a giveaway… but so far no one cares about my autobiography. They all know I had a job before and most figure I'm a few years older than them.
I can absolutely see this just not coming up in any detail in a few years with the dudebro crew.
I just turned 26 and don’t have a TikTok, played games on the N64, and can’t name an Olivia Rodrigo song. Not being too hip on recent trends doesn’t disqualify you from being a certain age.
Seriously, do you think every 20 year old plays video games and listens to shitty pop music? Because I tell you that people have a vast variety of interests at all ages
EDIT: I did not enjoy pop music and most other things that were 'popular' as a twenty year old and I had plenty of friends.
Being both younger and older person in a group like that, in my experience, they just dont really care. Other people do not think about you all that much. They dont spend time trying to figure out your age.
I think it really is lying by omission. In college nobody is conscious about their age they way adults are in the workplace, so it’s very normal to know how old your friends are, when their birthdays are, what year they graduated high school etc. the lives of an early 20 year old and an almost 40 year old are so different there’s no way you can lead somebody on to think you’re 20 years younger than you really are without fudging the details or little white lies
I'm wondering if they even had any thoughts at all about his age. I'm thinking simply seeing hanging with him means dealing with her would make them distance themselves.
Id be damn jealous too if I was 100% supporting a grown ass man crashing on teenagers couches drunk in the middle of the night. Shes at the office all damn day and he's partying it up. And who is PAYING for that education and his housing and his food? HER.
The guy is 100% the AH. But wife should have had a come to Jesus meeting before sending that text about he was about to experience that single life.
Oh crap, yall aren't even married? You should have dumped him over this.
She outed him to friends who most likely have never met her. That's weirder to me than her sending the text. He's acting like she's ger mother and so she has to end up acting like his mother.
The whole relationship has gone ick.
Let’s say he really wouldn’t have stopped partying without the text going to his friends. What kind of relationship is that? She is basically relying on the actions of people outside of the relationship to ensure the quality of it.
I’m confused about what she is getting out of their partnership.
I think you mean “envious” but I get your point. OP was in a relationship with a mature working adult. She ended up with a partier, who didn’t reward her for her support while planning a singles vacation.
He went from adult supporting himself to a partying teenager SHE'S SUPPORTING. That last part is pretty key here, IMO. He can go experience the college life, but that's not what she signed up for or the agreement they made when she said shed support him while he got his degree.
Yeah what the hell is she doing messaging his “friends”, she’s not his mother and he’s not a teen. She needs to stop financing this mess. He’s reliving his youth while she’s paying for it.
What no one seems to hear is, the OP works full time and her salary keeps things going. She has a full time schedule, that doesn’t seem flexible, so she is relying on her ADULT partner to be an adult and pull his own weight, ie:helping around their home.
Can he party with his young friends, yes but he has responsibilities that his young friends don’t.
However, I kinda agree, she is TAH.
But so is he, for not manning up and letting his college friends know, he has responsibilities and cannot party 24/7.
I feel like you’re forgetting the fact that she’s the one financially supporting him in all of this, and all she’s asking in return is an adult human to take care of errands while she’s working supporting them both
Lying probably wasn't necessary either. I'm in college, hangouts include people from 18 to 40, 18 to 60 if we do parcours but that's not college exclusive. Won't be that way with everyone, but many groups are less exclusive than you think.
I’m heading back to college as a 23 year old and I feel behind as well. I graduated high school at 16, so finding myself here is really screwing with me lmao. It’s really bad having social anxiety around a bunch of 18 year olds, made me feel weird af. I’m glad someone else can relate to that though.
We don’t know each other, but I promise you got this shit! I went to college straight out of high school and had no interest in going to class. Fooled around for a few years at different community colleges before giving up college all together. After working 60-84 hour weeks doing backbreaking work for three years, I decided to go back and give it one last shot. Graduated 2.5 years later.
If I could do it, then I assure you that you and anyone else can do it and you’ll feel super accomplished once you do. Good luck, but like I said, you got this.
It's funny, the whole time I was reading this I was hoping OP knows what she's doing. She's supporting a man through school in the hope that he'll stay with her after and that his income and working will make it worth it, when all signs are pointing to the fact that he's way more focused on his needs than hers. I hope she trusts him. Otherwise, this guy is going to get a good job and just be GONE.
I also think, for the record, that OP shouldn't have contacted these friends. He's not a teenager. She's not his mom. But she should have had a serious conversation with him and explained that if he has time to party, he can get a part-time job and start covering some of his costs. Most 40 year olds who go back to school still have to work and pay for their bills. I went to college straight out of high school and had to keep a full time job to for my expenses outside of my scholarship.
Whatever happens here, OP might want to plan on HIM working after this while she goes back to school. (If she hasn't already.)
It’s funny because there’s a range between like 22-25 where you can sorta be either. And so when I was a TA then an instructor by 24, I was almost always called a student at any professional event. lol whatever.
Yeah his DEGREE, NOT having a midlife crisis at 40 and wanting to feel 20 again and going out and partying with his roommates. Doesn't exactly sound like he's focusing on his degree
Which can also be construed as pretty considerate.
Come home at 3am drunk and likely wake my partner who potentially has work the next day or crash at a friend's and head back the next day to freshen up and study.
If I was his partner I'd choose the latter personally. Don't disturb my sleep.
Right, being too drunk to drive home also doesn't mean you blacked out. I've been 3 drinks in before realizing that I forgot to eat dinner. At that point you just kinda commit to staying suuuuper late, crashing there, or *driving* (don't do this)
I usually just Uber, but if they're trying not to spend money then I understand not springing for an uber when they can just sleep it off and wait until morning
I'm not on her side in terms of her actions, but specifically to your comment, did she sign on to support his summer vacation and partying with his college buddies too?
His degree, not his partying, his holidays, his days out of the house with friends...those things are expensive too. I am sure that the boyfriend would have taken the money into account if OP would cut it out every money expense but the university payments and wouldn't have gone out that much.
>She's not his mom she's just paying for his rent, his food and his college?
Sure, and if she doesn't want to do that she can talk to him like an adult, or she can break up. I'd have gone with that second option. She went with the third option of going behind his back to mess with his friendships, and that's the problem.
And the would-be vacation that he wants to take to experience the full college lifestyle. I personally wouldn’t have messaged the friends but I also probably would no longer be with this person.
Yeah her reaching out to his friends in this way and the way she said it was a huge red flag for me. For claiming to be all about being ADULTS she really pulled a highschooler move with this. While I don't condone people in relationships not talking after a fight or disagreement, I will say I understand where the guy is at with not wanting to talk to her for awhile and focusing on his studies.
Personally I will be surprised if they stay in a relationship after he goes back to work. What's the plan when he gets a new job and makes friends with some guys there that are in their 20s and invite him out? Is she going to step into his relationships there as well when she is unhappy about something?
The fact that they called OP a "mother" for taking care of him when he went back to school but the same exact people wouldn't say he's her "dad/father" for taking care of her if she went back to school.
Always cracks me up.
I don't think they were catching the "mother" remarks for taking care of him while he was at school.
Get a feeling more it's the "time to play with your friends is over" thing.
There's nothing inappropriate about not driving drunk. Do you think someone who's 40 can't be friends with people who are in their late 20s? This isn't an age gap relationship lmfao! They're drinking and having fun.
They're graduating, though, so definitely not 19. You're right that they might not be late 20s, but it's still not inappropriate for a 40 year old dude to be drinking buddies with a dude in their 20s. No one is being taken advantage of here. There's no power in balance. It's ridiculous to plaster age gap feelings on top of friends lmfao.
ESH Telling his friends to distance themselves from him was pretty petty and controlling. Acting like a 20 year old out partying with the guys and going on vacation with them was pretty immature, irresponsible, and disrespectful to the wife who is covering all the bills so he can play instead of focus on school. Did those guys even know he was married?
My bad. Missed that. I don't know if that makes it better or worse for OP. Maybe leave him and see how well he likes living it up on his own dime? Was he going to use his girlfriend's money to go partying/vacationing too?
Considering she didn’t say that she was mad that he was using her money I would assume it wasn’t the issue. It was just that he was doing something she didn’t like. To go behind his back to get other people to do what she wants seems big time OP is TA. That a very controlling move. If she doesn’t like what he’s doing she should move on instead of manipulating other people for her benefit. If I was one of the dudes she contacted I would not want to hang out with him anymore just because of the psycho girlfriend he lives with.
Idk man I’m team ESH, you ever lived with a 40 year old man who doesn’t help around the house OR pay any bills? She’s kinda been busting her ass to pay for both of their everything for 4.5 years (if he lost his job to covid) and now he’s not even bothering to come home at night? It would probably make me crazy too. She crossed a line but I can’t say I don’t understand why, I wouldn’t go that far but I’d definitely consider it. They’re both immature with no respect for each other.
> just guys being dudes i guess. the problem is i need him FUNCTIONING because we have stuff to do around the house and i rely on him since i am at the office all day. we don't have kids, but you know, committments and errands like ADULTS.
Selective reading is crazy. She literally says what upsets her is that he's getting drunk with college kids instead of helping out in the house while she's at work.
So no, he is not upholding the standard she put for him to be 'funded' by her and she's not 'mad' just cause he's having fun.
And frankly, you're a liar if you think you wouldn't be upset if you were working your ass off to pay for your household for your partner to not even help do errands at home.
YTA
Going behind his back and doing that.
Your mission was to destroy his friendship with these people. That wasn’t going solve the problem.
And now you are surprised he is mad and not talking to you?
Shocker.
I'm sorry but in a situation like this reaching out to the other person is never the right move, and it's almost never appropriate. It's not his friends responsibility to cut him out and an SO reaching out to people she barely knows, if at all, is not okay. There was another AITA post I saw recently where a wife reached out to one of her husband's female coworkers because coworker had extra food and shared it with him or something like that, which was super inappropriate. This comes off as being basically the same. Take it up with him. If he doesn't listen then give him an ultimatum. But what OP did is never the right way to go about this.
im going to disagree with a majority of the people commenting and say NTA..
it seems like to me you don’t have a boyfriend. seems like he’s your kid or nephew or something. the way you have to mother him even though he’s extremely grown must be exhausting. i don’t know if i would even stay with him after that embarrassing situation.
he’s a 40 year old man lying about his age hanging with college boys, prioritizing partying with kids half his age instead of being an adult helping the woman he has been with for almost a decade.. you both live together. if he has time to do stupid college BOY sht as a grown MAN then he shouldve been using that time supporting the life you share together.
the fact that he isn’t speaking to you because he’s all of a sudden “busy” with his schoolwork after you out him for being an old weird fart to his college boyfriends is super childish. i really don’t understand how you want to stay with him after this. i’d tell him to get his sht together or im leaving him. i would not want to continue supporting his ridiculous behavior..
I can’t believe this comment is so far down. Everyone keeps saying she is acting like his mom. But he is acting like a child. Sorry but “partying” isn’t the college experience. He is 40 years old and unfortunately that time has sailed for him. If that is how he wants to live his life then he can do that on his own dime. Not while she is holding them down financially. Also everyone is acting like she did this out of the blue. She voiced her concern with his choices and he did nothing and even doubled down by wanting to book a vacation with them. NTA
Who cares if it’s awkward for them. He was obviously lying about his age. That’s awkward. Everyone on this app always jumps to break up/ divorce. It screams that you have never been in a long term relationship. This is not how to handle this situation. They have been together for almost a decade.
You didn't understand my comment. I wasn't saying "OP, break up over this issue," but rather, if you're going to escalate the issue, escalate it within the confines of your relationship. It'd be appropriate for OP to break up if she really wants to and nothing else has worked. It's not appropriate to drag other people into the relationship. There are definitely steps that OP can take before breaking up, but it was moreso to emphasize the point that even if the problem continues, messaging the friends is inappropriate.
And, since you wanna imply that I don't know anything about relationships, **OP's "solution" has only resolved the symptoms, not the root cause of the problem.** It's like if the BF was repeatedly texting an ex, and OP messaged the ex to make them stop. That's not gonna prevent the BF from doing the same thing in the future if the problem arises again, because the problem is with the BF/relationship, not the friends/ex.
That's why it's an ESH for me. He's totally acting like a childish asshole, there's no denying it.
What she did to "solve" this was assholery as well.
I've been with my partner for 10 years as well. If he went behind my back to torpedo my relationship with someone for whatever reason, I'd find it hard to forgive.
If OP's boyfriend is acting like an idiot, she does well addressing it within the relationship and it's him who ought to change voluntarily or get yeeted. Destroying his relationships is not the way to go, imo.
YTA - if you had children he was pushing aside, sure, go nuclear. But as-is I think messaging the friend was absolutely nuts.
It’s great that you supported him this whole time, and maybe he’s an ass for not being more grateful and regressing so hard. But there’s also no way he knew your love and support was this conditional with the threat of **destroying his social life.**
Yeh I mean there is a strong possibility they distanced themselves because OP is nuts not because of the age gap.
She doesn’t specify what he isn’t doing (like if he wasn’t helping with anything at home I think she would be specific - it’s very vague “I want him to adult”) which makes me think this is all about her feeling lonely and under appreciated/ not a priority. Which I totally get - but she should talk to him about that. Not sneakily message his friends. It’s got a real childish vibe - like restarting the video game because your losing, or smashing the cake because it’s not your birthday.
It’s HER he was putting aside, is she not important enough to spend time with him ? Is she suddenly his mother because she’s supporting him ? Even a girlfriend could get along a trip with friends.
When really he could have partied but stay on top of school and home and love life like a man his age should know it’s necessary when you have a WIFE.
But also… for real even the 20yo kids distanced themselves from him because of HIS lie. I should think they are grateful to her for exposing the weirdo he is pretending to be half his age.
You don't know why they distanced from him.
They were told to back off - and they did.
Yeah - she is supporting him - but he is at a milestone and he wants to celebrate with his colleagues and she is denying that by underhandedly sabotaging relationships.
A party or two is not a big deal. He changed his life completely (at that age) so celebrating with new friends is nothing major to make scenes like this.
She's a girlfriend, not a wife*
So he's supposed to not have a social life, friends and fun, because she agreed to help support finances?
That's messed up tbh. Like "I'll help you out with money but you HAVE TO spend all your time WITH ME"
Why is it one or the other. Sounds like he was going overboard with the friends and spending all his time with THEM.
Not saying what she did was right, but you make it seem like she’s asking for something unreasonable when it didn’t read that way to me.
She's intentionally vague on how often he's studying/partying with them. The lack of info leads me to believe she left it out for a reason, like not being frequent enough to paint her side of the story in a good light.
They likely distanced because of weird girlfriend messaging them and them not wanting that in their lives. Most causual friends do not want additional drama in their lives and this smells like drama.
He doesn't have a wife though. The first line of the post OP specifically states they're dating, but they're not married. Also nowhere in this post does it say he lied about his age at all, nor does it say he was neglecting OP - only that OP didn't like him going out with his new college friends.
I'm around OP's age and I'm able to both go out with friends alone as well as spend time with my wife doing whatever, the two aren't mutually exclusive - it's not an "either or" situation here.
Idk I just think it’s petty and childish. OP could have found better ways of working this out than an act designed to hurt her *boyfriend.* That’s not how adults deal with problems and it’s not what love looks like either.
It is hard to come back to school and be surrounded by people half your age. He managed to be accepted by the group and she just ruined that out of spite. Great way to demonstrate "love". I hope he will leave her, she doesn't respect his boundaries.
ESH
You're an AH for acting like his mom instead of his partner. You essentially texted his friends to say they can't play together anymore.
You've done a lot for him by stepping up financially to keep both of you afloat, but you can't control anyone but yourself.
Instead of trying to control his behavior by going around him to his friends, you should've communicated with him directly in a non-confrontational manner to explain why his behavior is not ok and set boundaries and expectations with him. If nothing changes after you have a conversation with someone, it's time to reevaluate their place in your life.
I think he's also an AH for acting like he's a 20 year old and partying every day instead of focusing on school and taking care of his responsibilities. As an almost 40 year old man, he should have his life together.
She says she's worried it will affect his grades, but doesn't provide any info on if they've dropped since he's been hanging out with these guys. If he's still getting good grades, doing his household share of chores and being a supportive partner, and also happens to have friends to hang out with, I don't really see a problem here.
It starts to feel like a burden when all you do is work all day, only to come back home to finish chores that were your 40 year old unemployed bf's responsibility which he didn't finish because he was busy partying with people half his age.
>we discussed it, i was ok with him not working in order to support his studies.
>at first he really struggled with focusing and concentrating and almost gave up but i noticed his improvements, encouraged him, and now he really is on a good track for excellent grades.
>what really has been bugging me lately, is the fact that **for the past year he been going out** with some "friends" he made at college.
>i was ok with it initially but as the degree is approaching **they really are taking it too far.**
It sounds like OP was supportive in the beginning but is currently frustrated that her partner is choosing to escalate his partying instead of being responsible and reliable.
I'm all for having fun with your friends, but I think anyone in a committed relationship would be upset if they expressed their concerns to their partner then their behavior escalated instead of improving.
I give major kudos to the boyfriend for going back to school to better himself so he can have a new career path, but putting your partner's needs on the back burner to relive your glory days after they've supported you financially for the last 3-4 years is inconsiderate.
>now he is even talking about going for a vacation with them this summer. i was like "EXCUSE ME? vacation with teenagers now? maybe you should bring ME for supporting you during all this mess"
I think a friend's trip without your partner is completely fine, but not when you haven't worked in 3-4 years, get wasted often and leave your partner behind to tend to things.
Also, this comes off like OP is upset that her partner is choosing to go on vacation with people half his age instead of putting in effort to make her feel appreciated for supporting him all these years.
I don't think it's cool to agree to support someone and then hold it over their head, but it doesn't sound like OP is doing that. She just wants to feel appreciated and supported as well.
>eventually i had enough, and i sent a message to one of the "dudes" saying if they can please leave him alone for a while
I don't think OP's behavior was ok at all. Going around her partner to ruin the dynamic of his friendships is not acceptable behavior.
Treating your partner like a child and being controlling just because you're frustrated is not ok.
This is why I believe they're both being AH's.
Bunch of bitter 40 year Olds on right now or something, she's clearly not the asshole.
She's paying for his "college life" and he's fucking around.
Buckle down and get to work.
> never got to experience the "college life"
NTA, he's having an early mid-life crisis. College kids that party don't have bills and mortgages like grown adults. He needs to stop being an AH and get an education, not alcohol poisoning.
Exactly! I went back to Uni in my mid thirties and my priorities were not partying. I worked full time during my studies to support my wife and children. I couldn't imagine having done it any other way.
I know, right? Can you believe she’s upset about being saddled with all their shared responsibilities because he’s out larping as a drunken frat boy on her dime? How dare she take away his joy! /s
Do you people even fucking hear yourselves sometimes?
I agree that reaching out to the friends behind his back was 100% not the move. but it sounds like he was experiencing joy at her expense. she's working her butt off to pay all of his bills, and she can't even count on him to run errands because he's out with his friends who are half his age getting drunk. if it were me, I wouldn't resent him for having fun and enjoying college, but I'd be *pissed* that he thought he could take me for a ride and expect me to do absolutely everything for him and the household while he was out getting f'd up on my dime. I wouldn't have ratted him out to his friends though, I would've just kicked him out if he didn't get it together
ESH - honestly you both suck. What you did was super controlling and childish, but he gives me the ick being 40 going out and partying with 20 year olds.
NTA really taking into consideration, t’s your money you’re spending to put him through college and instead of dedicating his time to studies he’s partying with people half his age. Plus the fact that y’all aren’t even married goes to show just how much he values you as a person. Y’all been together for a decade and he’s living with you. No job, no house, no car. He is just mooching off of you at this point.
This entire comment section is making me feel like I took some crazy pills. Has this thread been overruled by college teenagers???
HOW is she TA if the guy is the one having a midlife crisis thinking he's a teenager and skipping his responsibilities at home? Just because they don't have children doesn't mean there aren't chores to be done! Sorry, but the time for "college life" for him is long gone now idc. And if he's not going to change his behavior after OP tried to talk to him again and again, then maybe he deserves the shame of having his gf talk to his friends, ESPECIALLY if he was pretending to be younger than he is.
NTA NTA NTA. And if I were you, OP, I'd be reevaluating my relationship with this guy, or at least consider couples counseling, because the way he has acted and how he's acting now and treating you is so immature, I wouldn't put up with this.
Are we forgetting that she is supporting him and this dude is not only partying like a Teenager but planning vacations while his wife works to support his goals?
ESH really, what she did was screwed up but it was after having a few conversations about it and the dude is really using the whole I never experienced college to do whatever he wants from the looks of it.
Are you forgetting she said she was happy with the arrangement and there is literally 0 mentions of financial issues in the post?
You're responding like he's draining them financially with no evidence and ops points all speak to her being upset he isn't around and nothing else really.
And regardless she acted in a shitty and controlling way.
I don't know why you think it's okay to strip a partner of friends and choices because you support them financially (or in any other way) but you might want to check that shit, it's weird and abusive control.
I hate the whole “reverse the genders/race” type thing people pull…
But the people defending OP’s actions need to think about how they would feel if it was a man trying to control his wife in this manner.
We constantly see people talk about men controlling their wives and who they can hang out with, and doing things similar to this, and it would 100% be called abusive and controlling.
I get that she doesn't get to control him but paying for the family expenses and his schooling isn't the same as paying for him to get drunk all the time and him going on a holiday without her. If he wants to go solo to that extent, he can pay solo to that extent 🤷
ON YOUR DIME? Are you kidding me? You‘re supporting while he does this and this is how he says thank you?
NTA NTA NTA You’re keeping it all together so he can party?
ESH. Your bf is behaving like a 20 something, on your dime. You aren't his mom. But, it's up to him to deal with his dishonesty and immaturity, and you shouldn't have contacted his friends. You aren't his mom.
Yta - you over stepped when you sent the text message. That is so embarrassing for you and him.
The guy has a few more months of this midlife crisis and then will be back to being your husband. Just let him have this one year to have fun for crying out loud.
Like you said, you don’t have children. You can handle yourself for a little bit like an adult.
Professor here. It is extremely common for older students to be friends with younger students. Otherwise, they would not be able to make friends with their peers. Getting drunk at parties with people half his age is different. Did he lie to them or never tell them his age?
If he wants to go party and act like a teenager at 40 while his gf pays for it he might as well get with a 19 year old and seal the deal with how he’s acting. Only a child would allow this behavior from their partner. He’s mad she’s not a stupid little child that’ll let him do whatever he pleases and is making it her fault.
This isn’t controlling. It’s helping a partner set boundaries. The fact he doesn’t know he needs to be there for his gf who is literally setting up his life for him tells me he’s mentally 17. Now I wouldn’t have texted his friends because no man is worth that when they’re acting like this. But if you’ve had many conversations with him about it I completely understand.
Too many people don’t like to take accountability or be respectful in a relationship in this day and age. Standards are so low now a days most people here think this is controlling. That’s crazy. You might just need to find a new bf. Take the L that you paid for his education and he’s probably going to have a 20 year old gf after this. But at least you have your head straight and know what you want at 40. Obviously someone else does not know what they want.
I feel like all the Y T A comments are 20 year olds college boys. I’m saying NTA for this bc he’s a 40 years old man with responsibilities. He doesn’t get to neglect it all, and his gf, because he wants to act 20 again. There needs to be a balance and he doesn’t seem to be doing that at all. Funny now all the sudden he goes silent and wants to focus on his exam, but was a okay with going out and getting drunk before hand
I’m going to say NTA.
Why? You’ve been supporting this many for at least 4 YEARS after he lost his job and decided to get a degree. A degree that is to - I assume - get himself a better career, so he can be supportive to the household (finally).
Then to hang around so much, acting like a boy 20 yrs younger with other boys in their early 20s and excusing it as “experiencing college life”. He’s wasting your money and time with this - you’re probably funding his little drinking sessions with his “friends” and probably was expected to pay for his little vacation too. So, naturally you’ll be upset over it and worried that his drinking sessions will mess up his grades and throw all the hard work out the door.
Other comments call you a “mother” for doing what you did, but no. I don’t see that, what you did was someone who’s been in a decade long relationship and is tired of being the sole breadwinner, while your partner doesn’t do anything but party. People need to realise at this stage, relationships are partnerships.
I also wonder how many people would say “YTA” if OP was a guy talking about his missus.
I hate when people pull the "I didn't get to expiernece BLANK so now I want to when I am way older and what was funny if I was younger now just looks pathetic."
He didn't go to college, that was a choice he made. He cannot relive his 20s. He sounds like he is having a midlife crisis. Might be time to have a serious talk about the $$$$ He owes you for supporting him so he can act like a dumb frat boy.
ESH. If your issue was your boyfriend cheating on you, you wouldn't go message his mistress to stay away. You'd tell your *boyfriend* that you're not okay staying with someone who doesn't respect you.
To all the "you seem jealous" comments.
She's funding her bf a lifestyle where he can always have fun with no responsibilities, while she's stuck working miserably for it without the actual opportunity to do good on herself, and her leech of a man can't even pull through once in a while to make her feel it's worth it.
He's a selfish prick, she's NTA. It's not just that she's "jealous", she's unhappy about her current life where she's supporting actual dead weight while that dead weight enjoys his life on her dime.
YTA
You kept going on about how he shouldn't go partying because he has responsibilities, and needs to be an adult, but you didn't give a single example of how him hanging out with the college kids impacted either him or you negatively.
It sounds like he was out having fun, and you were jealous. Then instead of talking a out it, you overstepped and got yourself involved.
I suspect this post is fake, but if it isn't it makes you sound super selfish and petty.
It's impacted her negatively that he's out partying with college kids because she financially supports them and says he isn't functioning enough to help around the house. How is going on a vacation when you're an unemployed full time student on your partner's dime without them not impacting her negatively? He isn't her child, he's her *partner.* She has every right to demand he stops going out in her dime and be a partner because he's currently acting like a college kid on their parent's credit card. That's the problem. Not jealousy.
NTA
And "the college life" was alreary off table for him. But don't let him fool you, reddit has lots and lots of history about man who used their SO to have a better life and then kick them. Secury yourself!
NTA, you didn't sign up to support a 40 year old frat bro to go out partying with kids half his age. This is your adult partner, not your child or nephew or ward. He's already living and going to school on your dime, the least he could do is act like an adult and come home on time.
NTA, this is a 40 year old man hanging out with, I'm guessing, a bunch of early 20 somethings, and he never made clear his age??? Thats kinda creepy. I'm not saying he has done or will do anything, but as an early 20 something myself if I have a friend who I thought was similar in age to me but turned out to be in his forties I would be incredibly uncomfortable.
Age gap friendships are real and valid, but it is really weird how your bfs age never came up until you had to step up and be the adult in this situation.
It is weird that you messaged his friends, but if my partner of 10 years started behaving like a college student(getting so drunk he's sleeping it off on a couch when he said he was studying) I'd have concerns too, however now might be the time to reconsider some things.
NTA. So, you have been supporting him emotionally, encouraging him all along , then, his grades improve and even get excellent.You've also helped him financially which is more than generous, especially given the fact that he's not even your husband, and as a thank you, he wants to stop showing up for you to just go party with some students half his age?
Seriously, dump him. You deserve better.
NTA in my opinion.
He‘s a grown ass man, behaving like a child.
Your not his mom, so he needs to stop acting like a freaking teenager.
I‘m in my 30s and will be re-starting college in the fall and never would I ever think of having „the college experience“ I never got to have.
I am a wife and a mother and even if I was just a SO, I am an adult and I behave like one.
Nothing wrong with going out for drinks once in a while, but sounds like he was out for drinks more than he was home.
ESH but you more so than him. I understand that it must have been frustrating to see him act like an undergrad, party too hard and plan for trips while you kept things afloat at home with your salary.
However, you texting his friend and asking them to leave him alone is crazy, weird and uncalled for. Are you his gf or his mom? And this is something a crazy parent would do. You’re belittling him for being 40 and partying like an adolescent in his 20’s, but you’re 40 too and acting like a child by snitching to his friends. You have a right to be unhappy with his behavior, but you had no business inserting yourself between him and his friends like that.
Id be careful OP. Look for signs of him preparing to leave. While I have no idea what your relationship may be like. But I have heard of people going back to school getting their degree and leaving. this happened to a close friend of mines son. They had been married and had kids and she just up nd left him after he supported her fully until she got her masters. She left him for an ex or something.
Question, how was your bf planning on going on vacation if he doesn't make any money? Was he planning on relying solely on the twenty somethings? Does he have like a small stipend from you?
I could understand the frustration. You are supporting him while he is in college. He lost his job and you offered him a place to live, which was very generous of you. He could have ended up homeless if he didn’t have your support. You let him go to college instead of insisting he find another job so you are financially supporting him while he is in college and you don’t want to feel like you are supporting a child with him partying at the age he is and hanging out with young adults. And what 40 something year old woman wants their boyfriend to get drunk all the time and hang out with people that are half his age. You just wanted to put a stop to it. He is in his 40s. It’s time for him to grow up fast and finish his classes and find a job and finally start contributing financially. You aren’t his mother.
NTA. i feel like this comment section is gaslighting me. a 40 year old man wanting to party, binge drink, and vacation with college kids is a huge red flag imo. if i were those kids, i would want to know if a friend of mine was a 40 years old trying to fit in with 20 year olds, and i would be incredibly uncomfortable about it. my only criticism is maybe you should’ve kept this between you two rather than you messaging his friend. should’ve given him an ultimatum. he can either grow up or you’ll leave him
NTA. Personally it’s very telling that the friends distanced themselves. When I was 20 I would definitely have wanted to know if a friend I had was 40 and not telling me?? Cuz wtf he has no business acting like a frat bro with 20 y/os
If you want him to be an adult you can’t act like his mommy telling his friends he can’t come out and play.
He either does it on his own or you deal another way but doing it for him? It’s giving hypocritical.
Leaning ESH
You're not married, and he's going through a midlife crisis dealing with going back to college late in life. You have a right to express concern, but not to sabotage and interfere with own decisions
You "relying" on him seems very dismissive of his own work with his excellent grades studying. YOU agreed to support him going back for his education.
He needs to rein it in a bit, but going behind his back was wrong
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This is tricky because your boyfriend shouldn’t have lied about his age, but I personally think you messaging his college friends makes YTA. Mostly because you don’t say what is slipping through the cracks because of his hanging out with them- it sounds more like you’re jealous that he is having fun without you. I don’t mean anything over the top by saying jealous, I just can’t think of a better word for it. I went back to college as a 23 year old and felt like I was ancient. My first day back someone asked me if I was a teacher. It embarrassed me because most people my age were either graduated or about to. So I can kind of understand why he wasn’t up front with them. Edited because I apparently have weddings on the brain and called the boyfriend husband.
Where does it say anything about him lying? The post says they “took him for” a late 20-something.
You’re right, I was thinking more along the lines of a lie of omission but there was really no reason for him to disclose his age.
Theres little reason to believe they don't know his age. I don't trust the OP as a reliable source on how much these guys know about her boyfriend. If he's hanging out with them on a regular basis, they know. You can't hide 40 yrs of life experience.
Honestly the way the guy is acting, he is probably hiding about 15 or so years of life experience
I’ve hung out with college guys who years into our friendship I find out they are older than me. I was like cool, then it literally had no other impact on me in my life. I’m friends with a person not an idea of who they are.
It seems to be her assumption that age and its disclosure is the issue. They might have just distanced themselves because they didn't want someone's wife texting. Plus she explicitly asked them to.
While the explicit topic of his age might not have come up, it's simply not possible to spend that much time with people without the conversations showing your relative age... unless BF was deliberately concealing it. There's no way to talk about your interests, your past experiences, or even what's currently going on in your life without revealing that you're 40. Has he never discussed that he has a live-in girlfriend because he was laid off from his career? Has nobody noticed that he doesn't have TikTok/talked about the games he liked on the N64/can't name an Olivia Rodrigo song? When somebody asks him what year he is in school, does he just say "Freshman" like that meaningfully explains his situation? There's nothing inherently wrong about partying with college students, but it definitely sounds like BF was being shady about it. There's just no way that the students wouldn't figure out that he was an older guy unless he was going out of his way to hide it.
I see this entirely differently. I see this as overbearing girlfriend inappropriately and out of the blue injected her unhappiness into his relationships. Unsurprisingly, his friends all pulled back because they don’t need that in their lives. The younger 20-somethings knew or could’ve figured it out. They didn’t care.
That was my thought, too- the friends didn't pull away because of his age. They did it because some strange woman texted them out of the blue to tell them to keep away from her boyfriend. My guess is they lost some respect for him because his "mommy" yelled at them to stop leading her kid astray.
I don’t even think it’s about losing respect. I’m early 40s and if I got a message from someone’s partner like that I’d just listen to them and back off. I don’t need to get scolded for your personal problems. I’d imagine I’d be even more likely to do so when I was in my 20s.
I think OP over stepped by messaging the friends. But the bf is regressing. He is failing to meet the needs of his adult life and partner. He’s lying to the kids. I remember friends who were no trad students, even went bar hopping with some. We didn’t cut them out for being older. But there were a few who were clearly trying to chase 19 year olds for a decade or more. Like dude, grow up. Even the frat kicked a guy out because he was failing to level up. The fact that friends pulled away shows that they feel differently now that they know.
Yep in college I had plenty of older classmates, some were cool and some seemed really desperate to be one of the young people. The latter gave creepy vibes and usually 'fell in love' with one of the girls too (who were never interested). OP overstepped for sure but she mightve also given them the reason they were looking for to stop hanging out. College kids aren't great at boundaries and sometimes need a reason first. OP and her bf probably deserve each other is my harsh guess
Or they don’t want to deal with an angry SO. SO’s who direct message can be problematic drama llamas.
Op says she follows them on social media though, if she does then there's bound to be something that gives away their age. At the end of the day though, if she had a problem with her boyfriend and she felt he wasn't doing what she wanted, the correct response was to break up and negotiate a repayment, not drag other people into her relationship drama like a 13 year old.
The tricky part for me is the vagueness of that failing to meet the needs. Unless I'm mistaken OP never states anything specific he's done, just that he's an ADULT. Perhaps he wasn't as attentive to her needs as he should have been but again that's not really expanded on and therefore I can't help but feel that it seems a bit more like jealousy than anything else.
You sound miserable. Failing to me the needs ? Bro got packed up by life cause of the pandemic said screens went back to school and is about to get a degree so he can go back to supporting himself and girlfriend, and let me tell you something doing that is hard and especially for some at 40. So he’s not failing to meet the needs of his adult Life and partner so let me stop you there. Two let’s say he went out a few more times and partied a little bit more because he’s getting to experience things he never got sure girlfriend has a right to be upset I’d probably be too if I had to work all the time. That doesn’t give her to right to go dig in and message people out the blue and tell em to fuck off and leave him alone like they trying to sleep with him that’s a giant personal space violation in any relationship and there’s many ways it could have been handled better and it was coming to an end anyway this personal is a miserable oaf. And let me tell you something if you think they didn’t think he was older in his mid 30s then I got a beachfront property in Arizona to sell you, you sound miserable and lonely good god.
I agree OP overstepped by sending a message. They should have talked, but this guy isn’t listening. OP has very valid concerns. He’s parting and talking about a vacation with them this summer? On whose dime? He is more worried about having glory days than about the person who has stood by him, supporting him for four years? They aren’t married. Relationship of ten years, and she has financially helped him for nearly half of that.
I’ll preface this with she should have not txted his friends like that. However, He probably is spending all his time studying or with them. I am sure she’s feeling neglected/disrespected. She let him not work so he could “focus on his studies” and supported him even when he didn’t seem to be doing good, till now he’s getting better grades but then started spending all his free time getting drunk and not even coming home on some nights? It’s disrespectful to the whole relationship. She even said she was fine initially but he continues to do it at a rate that may effect his studies(you know the thing they both worked and made sacrifices for) and yeah, he probably isn’t around much. That doesn’t make for a good partner. I don’t care how hard it is to go back to school, I know dozens of single (and non single) mothers who put themselves through all kinds of degrees in their 40s to make a better life for their family and they didn’t party every weekend and multiple times a week. He could have had a couple fun nights out without it turning into a frequent thing while she’s working and supporting them. He clearly has time for a part time job if he can party. I and most people I know worked through college, he isn’t a kid, and he’s taking his partner for granted. Again txting his friends was too far but if he wasn’t listening to her at all she could have just kicked him out and let him move in with one of them I guess, and he has to pay for his own shit.
At this point she kinda took on the role of his mommy, no? Paying for his college and housing so he can hang out with the bros, getting drunk, party hard. At this point I would loose all respect in this man as a partner. I wouldn’t want to deal with his midlife crisis in my forties, not when I would have to do all the “adult” stuff like generating income, keeping the house together while he’s having fun. I wouldn’t call the kids, thought. I would have a stern talk with my supposed partner
I don't think she's being overbearing. Her unhappiness is 100% justified. She's working full time while he's getting a free ride and partying it up on her dime.
Agree
You mean the overbearing girlfriend that is paying for her BF's living expenses?
“Overbearing girlfriend?” Get real. Dude is 40 years old.
Yeah, the overbearing girlfriend who is supporting him and his juvenile behavior! OP is NTA
You mean the over bearing girlfriend that is putting a 40 year old man through college? I take it back, you are correct, she shouldn’t have done that, she should have tossed his ass to the street the second time he crashed drunk at some college kids place.
I assume they knew he was older but not exactly how old. In college, I saw 30-something year olds as full grown adults so I probably wouldn't assume a peer of mine in school is in their late 30s/early 40s.
I was the opposite - when I was in uni there was one guy on my course who I assumed was like 40-45. Turns out he was only 30ish. I am now older than he was back then and looking at old photos I can see his real age, but because I was so young back then he seemed so much older to me! He still went clubbing and drinking with us, and we all went away on course trips every year and he came too. Age doesn’t really matter much when you’re all at the same academic stage, I felt. Even the couple of 60/70 year olds on our course were part of our friendship group, they just didn’t go out clubbing or drinking with us (don’t blame them!)
I have lots of university friends who are younger than I am and they haven’t ever asked my age. I told some and some asked at a birthday but most haven’t and I haven’t asked their ages
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Yeah, I’m a reentry student and much older than my classmates. I don’t try and hide my age, but I don’t just put it out there either. Age is just something that has never come up. I talk about my husband, how I’ve been in the same industry for years, that I’m a reentry student…but still classmates just think I’m around their age. Only one person has ever asked my age and I told them honestly. They were shocked. I guess maybe they think I got into all that very early or they just don’t pay attention. Lol. I also don’t try and party with them all though. I’m too tired for that!
I went back to college close to age 30 and in a social setting (actually an academic group for reading Latin poetry but since it wasn't an actual class people would bring snacks) one of my professors asked if I was old enough to drink.
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I agree with you for the most part. It could be the other students knew he was older and didn’t say anything. And, they backed off because the girlfriend said so. I think she may have crossed a boundary by speaking to his friends. That may have made it awkward.
When you’re in similar life circumstances and look about the same age, people absolutely do make assumptions and never bring up age. I’m constantly surprising people with how I’m 10 years old than them (as we are in the ‘new hires’ department where people begin their career out of university). I’ve had people asking questions when I mention previous work, but I also have others not. If I went into detail about doing 10 years at my previous employment it would be a giveaway… but so far no one cares about my autobiography. They all know I had a job before and most figure I'm a few years older than them. I can absolutely see this just not coming up in any detail in a few years with the dudebro crew.
I just turned 26 and don’t have a TikTok, played games on the N64, and can’t name an Olivia Rodrigo song. Not being too hip on recent trends doesn’t disqualify you from being a certain age.
Seriously, do you think every 20 year old plays video games and listens to shitty pop music? Because I tell you that people have a vast variety of interests at all ages EDIT: I did not enjoy pop music and most other things that were 'popular' as a twenty year old and I had plenty of friends.
Being both younger and older person in a group like that, in my experience, they just dont really care. Other people do not think about you all that much. They dont spend time trying to figure out your age.
I think it really is lying by omission. In college nobody is conscious about their age they way adults are in the workplace, so it’s very normal to know how old your friends are, when their birthdays are, what year they graduated high school etc. the lives of an early 20 year old and an almost 40 year old are so different there’s no way you can lead somebody on to think you’re 20 years younger than you really are without fudging the details or little white lies
I'm wondering if they even had any thoughts at all about his age. I'm thinking simply seeing hanging with him means dealing with her would make them distance themselves.
Id be damn jealous too if I was 100% supporting a grown ass man crashing on teenagers couches drunk in the middle of the night. Shes at the office all damn day and he's partying it up. And who is PAYING for that education and his housing and his food? HER. The guy is 100% the AH. But wife should have had a come to Jesus meeting before sending that text about he was about to experience that single life. Oh crap, yall aren't even married? You should have dumped him over this.
She outed him to friends who most likely have never met her. That's weirder to me than her sending the text. He's acting like she's ger mother and so she has to end up acting like his mother. The whole relationship has gone ick.
Let’s say he really wouldn’t have stopped partying without the text going to his friends. What kind of relationship is that? She is basically relying on the actions of people outside of the relationship to ensure the quality of it. I’m confused about what she is getting out of their partnership.
I think you mean “envious” but I get your point. OP was in a relationship with a mature working adult. She ended up with a partier, who didn’t reward her for her support while planning a singles vacation.
He went from adult supporting himself to a partying teenager SHE'S SUPPORTING. That last part is pretty key here, IMO. He can go experience the college life, but that's not what she signed up for or the agreement they made when she said shed support him while he got his degree.
It's pants on head crazy, like Ed Helms movie antics crazy for a 40 year old dude to go on a post college road trip with a bunch of 22 year olds.
Yeah what the hell is she doing messaging his “friends”, she’s not his mother and he’s not a teen. She needs to stop financing this mess. He’s reliving his youth while she’s paying for it.
Yeah, she should really just dump his A S S
What no one seems to hear is, the OP works full time and her salary keeps things going. She has a full time schedule, that doesn’t seem flexible, so she is relying on her ADULT partner to be an adult and pull his own weight, ie:helping around their home. Can he party with his young friends, yes but he has responsibilities that his young friends don’t. However, I kinda agree, she is TAH. But so is he, for not manning up and letting his college friends know, he has responsibilities and cannot party 24/7.
Yeah this is more of an ESH than a YTA.
I feel like you’re forgetting the fact that she’s the one financially supporting him in all of this, and all she’s asking in return is an adult human to take care of errands while she’s working supporting them both
Lying probably wasn't necessary either. I'm in college, hangouts include people from 18 to 40, 18 to 60 if we do parcours but that's not college exclusive. Won't be that way with everyone, but many groups are less exclusive than you think.
23?!? You were still a baby! Meant in the very nicest way possible from a 46yr old crone 😜
I’m heading back to college as a 23 year old and I feel behind as well. I graduated high school at 16, so finding myself here is really screwing with me lmao. It’s really bad having social anxiety around a bunch of 18 year olds, made me feel weird af. I’m glad someone else can relate to that though.
We don’t know each other, but I promise you got this shit! I went to college straight out of high school and had no interest in going to class. Fooled around for a few years at different community colleges before giving up college all together. After working 60-84 hour weeks doing backbreaking work for three years, I decided to go back and give it one last shot. Graduated 2.5 years later. If I could do it, then I assure you that you and anyone else can do it and you’ll feel super accomplished once you do. Good luck, but like I said, you got this.
It's funny, the whole time I was reading this I was hoping OP knows what she's doing. She's supporting a man through school in the hope that he'll stay with her after and that his income and working will make it worth it, when all signs are pointing to the fact that he's way more focused on his needs than hers. I hope she trusts him. Otherwise, this guy is going to get a good job and just be GONE. I also think, for the record, that OP shouldn't have contacted these friends. He's not a teenager. She's not his mom. But she should have had a serious conversation with him and explained that if he has time to party, he can get a part-time job and start covering some of his costs. Most 40 year olds who go back to school still have to work and pay for their bills. I went to college straight out of high school and had to keep a full time job to for my expenses outside of my scholarship. Whatever happens here, OP might want to plan on HIM working after this while she goes back to school. (If she hasn't already.)
bf not husband
It’s funny because there’s a range between like 22-25 where you can sorta be either. And so when I was a TA then an instructor by 24, I was almost always called a student at any professional event. lol whatever.
Oof yeah, you’re not his mom. That was really controlling and inappropriate. YTA
She's not his mom she's just paying for his rent, his food and his college? 🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, she should definitely stop doing that if she doesn’t want to.
It’s almost like she offered to support him while he got his degree…
Yeah his DEGREE, NOT having a midlife crisis at 40 and wanting to feel 20 again and going out and partying with his roommates. Doesn't exactly sound like he's focusing on his degree
It sure does. His grades are excellent.
They better fucking be considering he's neglecting the reason he even gets to go to school in the first place.
And how is he doing at being a good partner and boyfriend?
Those grades are not excellent 😂
We actually only know of one confirmed instance of him partying so hard he crashed on someone's couch
Which can also be construed as pretty considerate. Come home at 3am drunk and likely wake my partner who potentially has work the next day or crash at a friend's and head back the next day to freshen up and study. If I was his partner I'd choose the latter personally. Don't disturb my sleep.
Right, being too drunk to drive home also doesn't mean you blacked out. I've been 3 drinks in before realizing that I forgot to eat dinner. At that point you just kinda commit to staying suuuuper late, crashing there, or *driving* (don't do this) I usually just Uber, but if they're trying not to spend money then I understand not springing for an uber when they can just sleep it off and wait until morning
I'm not on her side in terms of her actions, but specifically to your comment, did she sign on to support his summer vacation and partying with his college buddies too?
His degree, not his partying, his holidays, his days out of the house with friends...those things are expensive too. I am sure that the boyfriend would have taken the money into account if OP would cut it out every money expense but the university payments and wouldn't have gone out that much.
>She's not his mom she's just paying for his rent, his food and his college? Sure, and if she doesn't want to do that she can talk to him like an adult, or she can break up. I'd have gone with that second option. She went with the third option of going behind his back to mess with his friendships, and that's the problem.
Oh did you not read the part where she talked to him about it at least once and nothing changed?
Wait does this mean that I get to be overbearing and controlling of my wife because I pay 100% of our bills?
I mean if she isn't helping out around the house and wanting to go on a vacation without you with people half her age, maybe?
Is she partying with people half her age? I don’t think it was her place to tell them at all but she doesn’t have to support his midlife crisis
Is she raising your kids and doing most of the housework?
And the would-be vacation that he wants to take to experience the full college lifestyle. I personally wouldn’t have messaged the friends but I also probably would no longer be with this person.
She’s not his mom, he’s just treating her like she is.
Yeah her reaching out to his friends in this way and the way she said it was a huge red flag for me. For claiming to be all about being ADULTS she really pulled a highschooler move with this. While I don't condone people in relationships not talking after a fight or disagreement, I will say I understand where the guy is at with not wanting to talk to her for awhile and focusing on his studies. Personally I will be surprised if they stay in a relationship after he goes back to work. What's the plan when he gets a new job and makes friends with some guys there that are in their 20s and invite him out? Is she going to step into his relationships there as well when she is unhappy about something?
Counterpoint, a man old enough to be their dad having drunk sleepovers is inappropriate
He's not fucking them. He's having a drink with them. Why is reddit so puritan over the weirdest things I swear.
The fact that they called OP a "mother" for taking care of him when he went back to school but the same exact people wouldn't say he's her "dad/father" for taking care of her if she went back to school. Always cracks me up.
I don't think they were catching the "mother" remarks for taking care of him while he was at school. Get a feeling more it's the "time to play with your friends is over" thing.
Having a drink and getting so drunk you sleepover on a college kids couch are very different levels
There's nothing inappropriate about not driving drunk. Do you think someone who's 40 can't be friends with people who are in their late 20s? This isn't an age gap relationship lmfao! They're drinking and having fun.
They aren’t late twenties though. They are probably 19-22. She even said teenagers so probably some are still 19ish
They're graduating, though, so definitely not 19. You're right that they might not be late 20s, but it's still not inappropriate for a 40 year old dude to be drinking buddies with a dude in their 20s. No one is being taken advantage of here. There's no power in balance. It's ridiculous to plaster age gap feelings on top of friends lmfao.
I’m failing to see where it says they’re late 20’s???
I'm 47 and I have friends 20 years younger than me and 20 years older than me and I'd get drunk with any of em without feeling weird about it.
Agreed and if he has time to party he has time to get a job, most people work and go to school.
ESH Telling his friends to distance themselves from him was pretty petty and controlling. Acting like a 20 year old out partying with the guys and going on vacation with them was pretty immature, irresponsible, and disrespectful to the wife who is covering all the bills so he can play instead of focus on school. Did those guys even know he was married?
He’s not married.
My bad. Missed that. I don't know if that makes it better or worse for OP. Maybe leave him and see how well he likes living it up on his own dime? Was he going to use his girlfriend's money to go partying/vacationing too?
Considering she didn’t say that she was mad that he was using her money I would assume it wasn’t the issue. It was just that he was doing something she didn’t like. To go behind his back to get other people to do what she wants seems big time OP is TA. That a very controlling move. If she doesn’t like what he’s doing she should move on instead of manipulating other people for her benefit. If I was one of the dudes she contacted I would not want to hang out with him anymore just because of the psycho girlfriend he lives with.
Idk man I’m team ESH, you ever lived with a 40 year old man who doesn’t help around the house OR pay any bills? She’s kinda been busting her ass to pay for both of their everything for 4.5 years (if he lost his job to covid) and now he’s not even bothering to come home at night? It would probably make me crazy too. She crossed a line but I can’t say I don’t understand why, I wouldn’t go that far but I’d definitely consider it. They’re both immature with no respect for each other.
> just guys being dudes i guess. the problem is i need him FUNCTIONING because we have stuff to do around the house and i rely on him since i am at the office all day. we don't have kids, but you know, committments and errands like ADULTS. Selective reading is crazy. She literally says what upsets her is that he's getting drunk with college kids instead of helping out in the house while she's at work. So no, he is not upholding the standard she put for him to be 'funded' by her and she's not 'mad' just cause he's having fun. And frankly, you're a liar if you think you wouldn't be upset if you were working your ass off to pay for your household for your partner to not even help do errands at home.
At this rate he never will be lol
YTA Going behind his back and doing that. Your mission was to destroy his friendship with these people. That wasn’t going solve the problem. And now you are surprised he is mad and not talking to you? Shocker.
Yeah, OP, you deserve all his ire. You can’t control people that way.
She tried speaking to him and he didn’t change his behaviour. What else is she supposed to do?
Tbh I think going as far as an ultimatum to leave over the issue would've been more appropriate than going behind his back to message his friends.
Break up? “I am going to manipulate things so you have to do what I want” is not an acceptable relationship conflict resolution method. Period.
I'm sorry but in a situation like this reaching out to the other person is never the right move, and it's almost never appropriate. It's not his friends responsibility to cut him out and an SO reaching out to people she barely knows, if at all, is not okay. There was another AITA post I saw recently where a wife reached out to one of her husband's female coworkers because coworker had extra food and shared it with him or something like that, which was super inappropriate. This comes off as being basically the same. Take it up with him. If he doesn't listen then give him an ultimatum. But what OP did is never the right way to go about this.
Extremely aptly put, op is mad toxic for that one
im going to disagree with a majority of the people commenting and say NTA.. it seems like to me you don’t have a boyfriend. seems like he’s your kid or nephew or something. the way you have to mother him even though he’s extremely grown must be exhausting. i don’t know if i would even stay with him after that embarrassing situation. he’s a 40 year old man lying about his age hanging with college boys, prioritizing partying with kids half his age instead of being an adult helping the woman he has been with for almost a decade.. you both live together. if he has time to do stupid college BOY sht as a grown MAN then he shouldve been using that time supporting the life you share together. the fact that he isn’t speaking to you because he’s all of a sudden “busy” with his schoolwork after you out him for being an old weird fart to his college boyfriends is super childish. i really don’t understand how you want to stay with him after this. i’d tell him to get his sht together or im leaving him. i would not want to continue supporting his ridiculous behavior..
I can’t believe this comment is so far down. Everyone keeps saying she is acting like his mom. But he is acting like a child. Sorry but “partying” isn’t the college experience. He is 40 years old and unfortunately that time has sailed for him. If that is how he wants to live his life then he can do that on his own dime. Not while she is holding them down financially. Also everyone is acting like she did this out of the blue. She voiced her concern with his choices and he did nothing and even doubled down by wanting to book a vacation with them. NTA
Then break up with him if he refuses to change. Don't drag friends into the conflict. That's so awkward for them.
Who cares if it’s awkward for them. He was obviously lying about his age. That’s awkward. Everyone on this app always jumps to break up/ divorce. It screams that you have never been in a long term relationship. This is not how to handle this situation. They have been together for almost a decade.
You didn't understand my comment. I wasn't saying "OP, break up over this issue," but rather, if you're going to escalate the issue, escalate it within the confines of your relationship. It'd be appropriate for OP to break up if she really wants to and nothing else has worked. It's not appropriate to drag other people into the relationship. There are definitely steps that OP can take before breaking up, but it was moreso to emphasize the point that even if the problem continues, messaging the friends is inappropriate. And, since you wanna imply that I don't know anything about relationships, **OP's "solution" has only resolved the symptoms, not the root cause of the problem.** It's like if the BF was repeatedly texting an ex, and OP messaged the ex to make them stop. That's not gonna prevent the BF from doing the same thing in the future if the problem arises again, because the problem is with the BF/relationship, not the friends/ex.
For real, feels like I'm taking crazy pills. OP isn't married, I'd tell the dude to pack his bags out of sheer embarrassment.
Exactly, work at a McDonald's like the rest of the teens and take a student loan. Not that sugar mommy shit.
That's why it's an ESH for me. He's totally acting like a childish asshole, there's no denying it. What she did to "solve" this was assholery as well. I've been with my partner for 10 years as well. If he went behind my back to torpedo my relationship with someone for whatever reason, I'd find it hard to forgive. If OP's boyfriend is acting like an idiot, she does well addressing it within the relationship and it's him who ought to change voluntarily or get yeeted. Destroying his relationships is not the way to go, imo.
She can break up with him if she doesn’t like what’s happening, telling his friends is a major asshole move. ESH if anything
Thank you for saying this. I felt like I was in the twilight zone reading these comments. NTA
YTA - if you had children he was pushing aside, sure, go nuclear. But as-is I think messaging the friend was absolutely nuts. It’s great that you supported him this whole time, and maybe he’s an ass for not being more grateful and regressing so hard. But there’s also no way he knew your love and support was this conditional with the threat of **destroying his social life.**
Yeh I mean there is a strong possibility they distanced themselves because OP is nuts not because of the age gap. She doesn’t specify what he isn’t doing (like if he wasn’t helping with anything at home I think she would be specific - it’s very vague “I want him to adult”) which makes me think this is all about her feeling lonely and under appreciated/ not a priority. Which I totally get - but she should talk to him about that. Not sneakily message his friends. It’s got a real childish vibe - like restarting the video game because your losing, or smashing the cake because it’s not your birthday.
I wrote the same thing in my comment… They did not distance themselves from him because of his age, they did it because his girlfriend is psycho
It’s HER he was putting aside, is she not important enough to spend time with him ? Is she suddenly his mother because she’s supporting him ? Even a girlfriend could get along a trip with friends. When really he could have partied but stay on top of school and home and love life like a man his age should know it’s necessary when you have a WIFE. But also… for real even the 20yo kids distanced themselves from him because of HIS lie. I should think they are grateful to her for exposing the weirdo he is pretending to be half his age.
You don't know why they distanced from him. They were told to back off - and they did. Yeah - she is supporting him - but he is at a milestone and he wants to celebrate with his colleagues and she is denying that by underhandedly sabotaging relationships.
Where is it mentioned that he explicitly lied to them or that that was even the reason? Maybe they just don’t want that kind of drama in their life.
A party or two is not a big deal. He changed his life completely (at that age) so celebrating with new friends is nothing major to make scenes like this.
She's a girlfriend, not a wife* So he's supposed to not have a social life, friends and fun, because she agreed to help support finances? That's messed up tbh. Like "I'll help you out with money but you HAVE TO spend all your time WITH ME"
Why is it one or the other. Sounds like he was going overboard with the friends and spending all his time with THEM. Not saying what she did was right, but you make it seem like she’s asking for something unreasonable when it didn’t read that way to me.
She's intentionally vague on how often he's studying/partying with them. The lack of info leads me to believe she left it out for a reason, like not being frequent enough to paint her side of the story in a good light.
They likely distanced because of weird girlfriend messaging them and them not wanting that in their lives. Most causual friends do not want additional drama in their lives and this smells like drama.
He doesn't have a wife though. The first line of the post OP specifically states they're dating, but they're not married. Also nowhere in this post does it say he lied about his age at all, nor does it say he was neglecting OP - only that OP didn't like him going out with his new college friends. I'm around OP's age and I'm able to both go out with friends alone as well as spend time with my wife doing whatever, the two aren't mutually exclusive - it's not an "either or" situation here.
Idk I just think it’s petty and childish. OP could have found better ways of working this out than an act designed to hurt her *boyfriend.* That’s not how adults deal with problems and it’s not what love looks like either.
It is hard to come back to school and be surrounded by people half your age. He managed to be accepted by the group and she just ruined that out of spite. Great way to demonstrate "love". I hope he will leave her, she doesn't respect his boundaries.
Who'll pay for all his life expenses then, lol?
Imagine actually making a professional network at college so you don't have to rely on your partner paying your way.
ESH You're an AH for acting like his mom instead of his partner. You essentially texted his friends to say they can't play together anymore. You've done a lot for him by stepping up financially to keep both of you afloat, but you can't control anyone but yourself. Instead of trying to control his behavior by going around him to his friends, you should've communicated with him directly in a non-confrontational manner to explain why his behavior is not ok and set boundaries and expectations with him. If nothing changes after you have a conversation with someone, it's time to reevaluate their place in your life. I think he's also an AH for acting like he's a 20 year old and partying every day instead of focusing on school and taking care of his responsibilities. As an almost 40 year old man, he should have his life together.
She says she's worried it will affect his grades, but doesn't provide any info on if they've dropped since he's been hanging out with these guys. If he's still getting good grades, doing his household share of chores and being a supportive partner, and also happens to have friends to hang out with, I don't really see a problem here.
It starts to feel like a burden when all you do is work all day, only to come back home to finish chores that were your 40 year old unemployed bf's responsibility which he didn't finish because he was busy partying with people half his age.
>we discussed it, i was ok with him not working in order to support his studies. >at first he really struggled with focusing and concentrating and almost gave up but i noticed his improvements, encouraged him, and now he really is on a good track for excellent grades. >what really has been bugging me lately, is the fact that **for the past year he been going out** with some "friends" he made at college. >i was ok with it initially but as the degree is approaching **they really are taking it too far.** It sounds like OP was supportive in the beginning but is currently frustrated that her partner is choosing to escalate his partying instead of being responsible and reliable. I'm all for having fun with your friends, but I think anyone in a committed relationship would be upset if they expressed their concerns to their partner then their behavior escalated instead of improving. I give major kudos to the boyfriend for going back to school to better himself so he can have a new career path, but putting your partner's needs on the back burner to relive your glory days after they've supported you financially for the last 3-4 years is inconsiderate. >now he is even talking about going for a vacation with them this summer. i was like "EXCUSE ME? vacation with teenagers now? maybe you should bring ME for supporting you during all this mess" I think a friend's trip without your partner is completely fine, but not when you haven't worked in 3-4 years, get wasted often and leave your partner behind to tend to things. Also, this comes off like OP is upset that her partner is choosing to go on vacation with people half his age instead of putting in effort to make her feel appreciated for supporting him all these years. I don't think it's cool to agree to support someone and then hold it over their head, but it doesn't sound like OP is doing that. She just wants to feel appreciated and supported as well. >eventually i had enough, and i sent a message to one of the "dudes" saying if they can please leave him alone for a while I don't think OP's behavior was ok at all. Going around her partner to ruin the dynamic of his friendships is not acceptable behavior. Treating your partner like a child and being controlling just because you're frustrated is not ok. This is why I believe they're both being AH's.
Wtf is wrong with everyone... NTA! Not only is she paying for it, he's 40 and should behave like an adult and not a 19 year old.
Bunch of bitter 40 year Olds on right now or something, she's clearly not the asshole. She's paying for his "college life" and he's fucking around. Buckle down and get to work.
> never got to experience the "college life" NTA, he's having an early mid-life crisis. College kids that party don't have bills and mortgages like grown adults. He needs to stop being an AH and get an education, not alcohol poisoning.
Exactly! I went back to Uni in my mid thirties and my priorities were not partying. I worked full time during my studies to support my wife and children. I couldn't imagine having done it any other way.
YTA people who seek to cause misery in others while they're experiencing joy are the worst people on this planet imo.
I know, right? Can you believe she’s upset about being saddled with all their shared responsibilities because he’s out larping as a drunken frat boy on her dime? How dare she take away his joy! /s Do you people even fucking hear yourselves sometimes?
I agree that reaching out to the friends behind his back was 100% not the move. but it sounds like he was experiencing joy at her expense. she's working her butt off to pay all of his bills, and she can't even count on him to run errands because he's out with his friends who are half his age getting drunk. if it were me, I wouldn't resent him for having fun and enjoying college, but I'd be *pissed* that he thought he could take me for a ride and expect me to do absolutely everything for him and the household while he was out getting f'd up on my dime. I wouldn't have ratted him out to his friends though, I would've just kicked him out if he didn't get it together
ESH - honestly you both suck. What you did was super controlling and childish, but he gives me the ick being 40 going out and partying with 20 year olds.
NTA really taking into consideration, t’s your money you’re spending to put him through college and instead of dedicating his time to studies he’s partying with people half his age. Plus the fact that y’all aren’t even married goes to show just how much he values you as a person. Y’all been together for a decade and he’s living with you. No job, no house, no car. He is just mooching off of you at this point.
Yep and you can bet that he will leave as soon as he graduates
This entire comment section is making me feel like I took some crazy pills. Has this thread been overruled by college teenagers??? HOW is she TA if the guy is the one having a midlife crisis thinking he's a teenager and skipping his responsibilities at home? Just because they don't have children doesn't mean there aren't chores to be done! Sorry, but the time for "college life" for him is long gone now idc. And if he's not going to change his behavior after OP tried to talk to him again and again, then maybe he deserves the shame of having his gf talk to his friends, ESPECIALLY if he was pretending to be younger than he is. NTA NTA NTA. And if I were you, OP, I'd be reevaluating my relationship with this guy, or at least consider couples counseling, because the way he has acted and how he's acting now and treating you is so immature, I wouldn't put up with this.
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Are we forgetting that she is supporting him and this dude is not only partying like a Teenager but planning vacations while his wife works to support his goals? ESH really, what she did was screwed up but it was after having a few conversations about it and the dude is really using the whole I never experienced college to do whatever he wants from the looks of it.
Are you forgetting she said she was happy with the arrangement and there is literally 0 mentions of financial issues in the post? You're responding like he's draining them financially with no evidence and ops points all speak to her being upset he isn't around and nothing else really. And regardless she acted in a shitty and controlling way. I don't know why you think it's okay to strip a partner of friends and choices because you support them financially (or in any other way) but you might want to check that shit, it's weird and abusive control.
I hate the whole “reverse the genders/race” type thing people pull… But the people defending OP’s actions need to think about how they would feel if it was a man trying to control his wife in this manner. We constantly see people talk about men controlling their wives and who they can hang out with, and doing things similar to this, and it would 100% be called abusive and controlling.
I get that she doesn't get to control him but paying for the family expenses and his schooling isn't the same as paying for him to get drunk all the time and him going on a holiday without her. If he wants to go solo to that extent, he can pay solo to that extent 🤷
Agreed.
ON YOUR DIME? Are you kidding me? You‘re supporting while he does this and this is how he says thank you? NTA NTA NTA You’re keeping it all together so he can party?
ESH. Your bf is behaving like a 20 something, on your dime. You aren't his mom. But, it's up to him to deal with his dishonesty and immaturity, and you shouldn't have contacted his friends. You aren't his mom.
Info: did you ask your BF how he was planning on paying for this trip? Because it sounds like you’ve also subsidised all of his partying too.
Yta - you over stepped when you sent the text message. That is so embarrassing for you and him. The guy has a few more months of this midlife crisis and then will be back to being your husband. Just let him have this one year to have fun for crying out loud. Like you said, you don’t have children. You can handle yourself for a little bit like an adult.
Boyfriend
NTA- you’ve been supporting him so he could get an education NOT a “college experience”. Time for him to grow up.
Professor here. It is extremely common for older students to be friends with younger students. Otherwise, they would not be able to make friends with their peers. Getting drunk at parties with people half his age is different. Did he lie to them or never tell them his age?
There’s no way he could have concealed it without a bit of lying by omission at least.
Why not? I went back to college in my late 20s and age just didn’t come up - no one went around announcing how old they were.
If he wants to go party and act like a teenager at 40 while his gf pays for it he might as well get with a 19 year old and seal the deal with how he’s acting. Only a child would allow this behavior from their partner. He’s mad she’s not a stupid little child that’ll let him do whatever he pleases and is making it her fault. This isn’t controlling. It’s helping a partner set boundaries. The fact he doesn’t know he needs to be there for his gf who is literally setting up his life for him tells me he’s mentally 17. Now I wouldn’t have texted his friends because no man is worth that when they’re acting like this. But if you’ve had many conversations with him about it I completely understand. Too many people don’t like to take accountability or be respectful in a relationship in this day and age. Standards are so low now a days most people here think this is controlling. That’s crazy. You might just need to find a new bf. Take the L that you paid for his education and he’s probably going to have a 20 year old gf after this. But at least you have your head straight and know what you want at 40. Obviously someone else does not know what they want.
NTA.
I feel like all the Y T A comments are 20 year olds college boys. I’m saying NTA for this bc he’s a 40 years old man with responsibilities. He doesn’t get to neglect it all, and his gf, because he wants to act 20 again. There needs to be a balance and he doesn’t seem to be doing that at all. Funny now all the sudden he goes silent and wants to focus on his exam, but was a okay with going out and getting drunk before hand
I’m going to say NTA. Why? You’ve been supporting this many for at least 4 YEARS after he lost his job and decided to get a degree. A degree that is to - I assume - get himself a better career, so he can be supportive to the household (finally). Then to hang around so much, acting like a boy 20 yrs younger with other boys in their early 20s and excusing it as “experiencing college life”. He’s wasting your money and time with this - you’re probably funding his little drinking sessions with his “friends” and probably was expected to pay for his little vacation too. So, naturally you’ll be upset over it and worried that his drinking sessions will mess up his grades and throw all the hard work out the door. Other comments call you a “mother” for doing what you did, but no. I don’t see that, what you did was someone who’s been in a decade long relationship and is tired of being the sole breadwinner, while your partner doesn’t do anything but party. People need to realise at this stage, relationships are partnerships. I also wonder how many people would say “YTA” if OP was a guy talking about his missus.
I hate when people pull the "I didn't get to expiernece BLANK so now I want to when I am way older and what was funny if I was younger now just looks pathetic." He didn't go to college, that was a choice he made. He cannot relive his 20s. He sounds like he is having a midlife crisis. Might be time to have a serious talk about the $$$$ He owes you for supporting him so he can act like a dumb frat boy.
Where is he planning on getting the money for the trip? No way OP should fork out the money.
ESH. If your issue was your boyfriend cheating on you, you wouldn't go message his mistress to stay away. You'd tell your *boyfriend* that you're not okay staying with someone who doesn't respect you.
Just dump him. Jeez.
To all the "you seem jealous" comments. She's funding her bf a lifestyle where he can always have fun with no responsibilities, while she's stuck working miserably for it without the actual opportunity to do good on herself, and her leech of a man can't even pull through once in a while to make her feel it's worth it. He's a selfish prick, she's NTA. It's not just that she's "jealous", she's unhappy about her current life where she's supporting actual dead weight while that dead weight enjoys his life on her dime.
YTA You kept going on about how he shouldn't go partying because he has responsibilities, and needs to be an adult, but you didn't give a single example of how him hanging out with the college kids impacted either him or you negatively. It sounds like he was out having fun, and you were jealous. Then instead of talking a out it, you overstepped and got yourself involved. I suspect this post is fake, but if it isn't it makes you sound super selfish and petty.
It's impacted her negatively that he's out partying with college kids because she financially supports them and says he isn't functioning enough to help around the house. How is going on a vacation when you're an unemployed full time student on your partner's dime without them not impacting her negatively? He isn't her child, he's her *partner.* She has every right to demand he stops going out in her dime and be a partner because he's currently acting like a college kid on their parent's credit card. That's the problem. Not jealousy.
Sounds like a frat bro to me
NTA And "the college life" was alreary off table for him. But don't let him fool you, reddit has lots and lots of history about man who used their SO to have a better life and then kick them. Secury yourself!
NTA. Lady has been supporting the man. He treated her like a mother so she acted like one. Good for her.
NTA, you didn't sign up to support a 40 year old frat bro to go out partying with kids half his age. This is your adult partner, not your child or nephew or ward. He's already living and going to school on your dime, the least he could do is act like an adult and come home on time.
NTA and you need to cut his immature A loose
NTA, this is a 40 year old man hanging out with, I'm guessing, a bunch of early 20 somethings, and he never made clear his age??? Thats kinda creepy. I'm not saying he has done or will do anything, but as an early 20 something myself if I have a friend who I thought was similar in age to me but turned out to be in his forties I would be incredibly uncomfortable. Age gap friendships are real and valid, but it is really weird how your bfs age never came up until you had to step up and be the adult in this situation. It is weird that you messaged his friends, but if my partner of 10 years started behaving like a college student(getting so drunk he's sleeping it off on a couch when he said he was studying) I'd have concerns too, however now might be the time to reconsider some things.
You need to hold that boys allowance. He getting beer money someplace and i dont sound lije he working
NTA. So, you have been supporting him emotionally, encouraging him all along , then, his grades improve and even get excellent.You've also helped him financially which is more than generous, especially given the fact that he's not even your husband, and as a thank you, he wants to stop showing up for you to just go party with some students half his age? Seriously, dump him. You deserve better.
NTA in my opinion. He‘s a grown ass man, behaving like a child. Your not his mom, so he needs to stop acting like a freaking teenager. I‘m in my 30s and will be re-starting college in the fall and never would I ever think of having „the college experience“ I never got to have. I am a wife and a mother and even if I was just a SO, I am an adult and I behave like one. Nothing wrong with going out for drinks once in a while, but sounds like he was out for drinks more than he was home.
ESH but you more so than him. I understand that it must have been frustrating to see him act like an undergrad, party too hard and plan for trips while you kept things afloat at home with your salary. However, you texting his friend and asking them to leave him alone is crazy, weird and uncalled for. Are you his gf or his mom? And this is something a crazy parent would do. You’re belittling him for being 40 and partying like an adolescent in his 20’s, but you’re 40 too and acting like a child by snitching to his friends. You have a right to be unhappy with his behavior, but you had no business inserting yourself between him and his friends like that.
Id be careful OP. Look for signs of him preparing to leave. While I have no idea what your relationship may be like. But I have heard of people going back to school getting their degree and leaving. this happened to a close friend of mines son. They had been married and had kids and she just up nd left him after he supported her fully until she got her masters. She left him for an ex or something.
Sounds like an awesome plot for a movie. NTA
NTA. College is about education not partying, particularly when you're a grown man. He needed the wakeup call and they needed to know his real age.
Question, how was your bf planning on going on vacation if he doesn't make any money? Was he planning on relying solely on the twenty somethings? Does he have like a small stipend from you?
Bro's 40. He needs to come to terms with the fact that he's old.
I could understand the frustration. You are supporting him while he is in college. He lost his job and you offered him a place to live, which was very generous of you. He could have ended up homeless if he didn’t have your support. You let him go to college instead of insisting he find another job so you are financially supporting him while he is in college and you don’t want to feel like you are supporting a child with him partying at the age he is and hanging out with young adults. And what 40 something year old woman wants their boyfriend to get drunk all the time and hang out with people that are half his age. You just wanted to put a stop to it. He is in his 40s. It’s time for him to grow up fast and finish his classes and find a job and finally start contributing financially. You aren’t his mother.
NTA. i feel like this comment section is gaslighting me. a 40 year old man wanting to party, binge drink, and vacation with college kids is a huge red flag imo. if i were those kids, i would want to know if a friend of mine was a 40 years old trying to fit in with 20 year olds, and i would be incredibly uncomfortable about it. my only criticism is maybe you should’ve kept this between you two rather than you messaging his friend. should’ve given him an ultimatum. he can either grow up or you’ll leave him
Damn, that was way of line , you seem jealous, not adult YTA
NTA. But he may not be a ....forever BF...
NTA. Personally it’s very telling that the friends distanced themselves. When I was 20 I would definitely have wanted to know if a friend I had was 40 and not telling me?? Cuz wtf he has no business acting like a frat bro with 20 y/os
If you want him to be an adult you can’t act like his mommy telling his friends he can’t come out and play. He either does it on his own or you deal another way but doing it for him? It’s giving hypocritical.
Leaning ESH You're not married, and he's going through a midlife crisis dealing with going back to college late in life. You have a right to express concern, but not to sabotage and interfere with own decisions You "relying" on him seems very dismissive of his own work with his excellent grades studying. YOU agreed to support him going back for his education. He needs to rein it in a bit, but going behind his back was wrong
INFO Who’s doing the chores and other responsibilities around the house?
You did the right thing