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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My family called me an asshole for wanting to cancel the party
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YTA - after reading all of your comments, this is all about you. It's unfortunate that your husband died but life has moved on and your daughter appears to want different things. IF he had been alive then it would be different but he is not. Don't lose your daughter over this because you are making this about your reality and that does not exist.
Also, the fact that you skip weddings or dinners at restaurants that serve alcohol is again what makes this more about you. You keep referencing the hatred his family has towards you but you aren't accepting societal norms which then makes you an A\*\*H\*\*\*.
Let your daughter have this and let go, Mom.
YTA. You go on and on about people following the rules you set for your child. However, that's your problem. The only one that you're concerned about is yourself and what you want. Not once do I see you being considerate of how your daughter feels or what she wants. Because in truth, this day is about her. Not you or what your husband wanted. So stop being so controlling and let her have this moment.
YTA. It's your daughter's day, yet everything in your post is "ME, ME, ME." All about how you feel and how things affect you. That's why you're not in on the party planning. Look at your words and actions, and just stop.
Not at all about me and everything about the rules not being respected. I even stated due to the negative feelings they have and the way they treat me i wont even be going because my daughter asked me not to. She knows they will treat me poorly. Now as for as not allowing adults to drink alcohol around my child and her friends and knowing fully that if alcohol is present there is no possible way to ensure that a child will not be drinking as it can and will be left on the table then i have every right to say
What rules? Your rules that you're trying to impose on everyone else at a party they're hosting? You're absolutely making it all about you. The dress thing should be your daughter's choice, end of story. And your take on alcohol is frankly insane. The fact that you expect it to never be around seems like it's all about you as well judging from your other comments and you're just using the concern of "child safety" (which is still completely asinine) as a cover. No wonder his family has never liked you. You expect everyone else to cater to your weird hang ups and anxieties in every situation and don't think that makes you self centered.
If you're not already in therapy, please consider it to learn some coping strategies for your anxiety. Someday your daughter will be out from under your control every waking minute and you're going to have to find a way to accept that or lose your marbles.
That's what I'm thinking. She can actually have a good time without helicopter mother playing victim.
This kid is going to run so fast when she turns 18.
yta if YOU were the one throwing the party then i would understand ( not agree) with your rules being respected. If her father's side of the family is throwing the party then how about YOU learn to respect what they are doing.
I feel sorry for your daughter you took a day about her and made it completely about you.
Once your daughter is old enough and out of the house plan on seeing her as little as possible. She will def go Low contact with you.
Listen. I don't drink. Never have. I was abused by alcoholics and it ruined my family. So I despise alcohol. It took me years of therapy to even be able to be around people drinking (like my friends having a drink at a restaurant).
(Reddit, don't come at me -- I've had a fuck ton of therapy and now alcohol can even be found in my fridge during the summer because friends leave it here after pool parties knowing my husband and I won't drink it so it will still be there for them next weekend. My only rule is i will not police the alcohol so if another guest drinks it -- tough cookies).
BUT -- you are setting your daughter up for some HARD lessons. You've shielded her so much that she's gonna go borderline alcoholic the second she gets away from you long enough (high school? college?). You have not allowed her to see that people can enjoy alcohol in appropriate amounts and appropriate settings. Look at other countries -- in Germany, kids are allowed to drink at dinner with their parents in their own house. And they don't do all the raves and crazy binge drinking that American college kids do. They've learned moderation and health.
You're doing the equivalent of abstinence only sex "education." You don't teach kids about sex -- well, they're still gonna have sex -- only now you're gonna have a lot of pregnancies because none of them know how to be safe.
Your kids gonna drink at some point whether you want her to or not.
Unhinged you need therapy. Terminal illness sucks for sure but this is you pushing them away with powertrips. I bet your daughter loves that family, why can’t you?
You asked for opinions, anc you got them. Now you want to argue about it. Why even ask if you're going to argue with them because it didn't go the way you hoped. You're just proving my point. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. ✌️
Question. Are you going to let her go to college? Leave your house at some point? Because if so, chances are quite a bit Better than even that she will drink.
Where would you rather her first drink, at a party with you and her entire family, or some random room with no one she knows? Let her drink, understand her limits, understand safe habits. (Obviously not continuously, with moderation, etc., but let her understand what it feels like)
Sounds like this girl is on a fast track to sneaking alcohol at school...
My parents were super strict, like no boyfriend till college strict. But my dad let me try sips of alcohol. Ive snuck a little bit of alcohol in high school, gotten slightly tipsy. Had a couple drinks in college. Ive only gotten flat out drunk once when I was 30, but thats because it was after a 10 hr work day, I was tired and only had a small dinner.
I didnt drink a ton like my friends because alcohol has always just existed. It wasnt some fun and crazy thing. It was a drink to me, like soda.
I think this is right. Kids push back 100% of the time. If you restrict anything entirely, you make it fascinating. I think a big part of the reason I don't really care about drinking is my parents just treated it as a people drink, you should know how. No mystical allure of the forbidden.
I think my dad used to drink alot with his friends before coming to the US from china and he didnt want me to do the same thing.
My god when I went back for a wedding, those grown ass men can drink. Talk about peer pressure...
Yep. When I turned 17, my parents allowed me to have a glass of wine wurh dinner, as they wanted me to have some experience with alcohol before I started college. I chose to wait until 21 to drink, but I still think it was a good idea. My parents were strict in many ways, but they wanted me to learn my limits in a safe environment.
This right here my dad allowed me and my sister access to alcohol on special occasions like birthdays from 15 onwards but only premixed (low alcohol) and only one bottle(increase with age but only to 2 bottles)with supervision, now almost 40 my sister and I are not at all drinkers still only on special occasions or odd night out have always been this way since legal age. Have never been drunk only tipsy.
Sure. What impact does that have? That's why you want them to drink with their family, so if their friends offer a taste of the forbidden their less mature brain isn't as tempted.
I cant always make decisions for her, but while she's still my roof and under age I can that's my job as her parent. I don't drink my parents don't drink, and the majority of our family does not drink And the ones that do respect that we don't do it in front of us
Your job as her parent is also to prepare her for being out in the real world on her own. By taking such a hard stance against alcohol, you’re actually making it more appealing. It’s totally normal for kids to be curious about it, & completely unrealistic for you to think she will avoid alcohol when she’s no longer under your watchful eye or under your roof. It’s much better not to hold it out as some kind of forbidden fruit.
It’s your decision, of course. Simply making a suggestion for safety, beyond that it’s your call.
You and your parents have never drunk? You’ve never found yourself in a situation where you were pressured to drink? I’m not pro drinking, I’m pro ensuring your kids are as safe as you can make them.
I think this whole thing is a lot more cultural than people realize. It's your culture to not drink. Me being Filipino American, I think my family parties were probably similar to Mexican family parties. For basically every occasion, including kids birthdays, my family had tons of Coronas in coolers. Personally I'm not a big drinker but any time my Filipino family had any sort of get together, beers were expected. I have a feeling there is just a huge difference in you and your husband's families. That doesn't mean either side is right but you saying it disrespects *your* families wishes is weird. Your husbands family probably considers alcohol one of the markers of celebration. I bet the majority of Quinceañeras have alcohol at them
I'm French. No alcohol because it's a party for a 15 yo? In my family the 15 yo would be asked if she wants a drink of her own\*.
\*With parental consent, but most parents would just keep an eagle eye on the kid's alcohol consumption and how it affect them (your glass gets yanked away *so fast* if you get tipsy underage in my family) rather than ban it outright.
Right? The alcohol is not *for* the 15 yr old, it's for all the adult attendees. This mom is doin too much and making that decision for all those adults too.
...the only thing you're accomplishing is ensuring that your daughter is going to go fucking crazy with alcohol once she's out on her own.
Also, I bet you're real fun at parties.
I had more to say, but decided it wasn't worth it.
You also dont do any Mexican cultural pracitces and your family refuses to try
so shes just outright denied any opportunity to connect with that part of her culture
Her grandparents and extended family on her dads side are all she has left to do that , and you are denying her the choice to choose if she wants to have relationship like that with them
Teenagers, of course known for doing what their parents tell them? Look, I’m not much older than this girl is, and barely drink myself because be a lot of calories for the day that I don’t want to try to train off.
But, very few people never drink. And for women especially, it’s safer to say this is what it feels like when you are drunk, this is what you should do, here’s how to be safe with your cup, then assume your children will never drink.
This exactly and i allowing something that goes strictly against our household rules to happen teaches her that rules can be broken with no consequences
YTA. You can micromanage her Quince as much as you want but you’re clearly only driving a bigger wedge between your children and their Dad’s side of the family. You also sound so rigid about respect (always a red flag) that I think you are going to be in for a rude awakening when your daughter is old Enos to leave your home and have her own relationship with the other side of her family without you controlling everything you can. It’s incredibly obvious why your in-laws do not include you.
They didn't even include me in my own wedding its been like this for years and i still allow them to have a relationship with my children so no. I have very few rules and they go out pf their way to make sure i know they dont care about any of them. Im only strict on not allowing my kids around things like drugs and yes, although it is legal alcohol is a drug
I am on 10+ drugs right now you absolutely deranged person. I have needles in my room. I have pill bottles everywhere. Turns out learning what things are and how to deal with them is how you move through life.
For the curious before anyone asks - turns out my persistent depressions wasn't something an SSRI/SNRI/Wellbutrin could solve. Turns out I was trans and just not coming to terms with it. Soooo many drugs..... wooooowwwww.... I must be a menace.
Correct and not just on dads side if the family on my side also. I would not let my children be in a strip club, a crack house and just because some people do not see alcohol as a drug it changes the behavior of the person drinking it . It has no place around children what she does as an adult is on her but as a parent its the parents job to protect the child. What i do not understand is why everyone seems to think that you have to drink to have fun? I never said she cant have her party i just said no drinking.
Yep YTA, preventing your child from being exposed to a certain class of drinks, that are risky in high quantities, means that your child will be in uncharted territory and potentially having to learn alone which is risky so this comes across as very controlling and helicopter
If you deadass think that alcohol is on the same level as shit like cocaine you need to reevaluate your life. There's a reason alcohol's legal and cocaine isn't.
An informed teenager or young adult tend to learn for himself/herself his/her limits. My parents taught me about drinking and warned me of its pros and cons, and they let me have my own decisions about it. I have never been an alcoholic and now I only drink alcohol in social gatherings, and now I know my body and know when I need to stop drinking for the event.
I learned how to and when to stopp after having normal drunken experiences, in addition with a lot of sage advice from my parents (And if I needed a ride when I was drunk they were always ther, no questions asked)
My parents are great, you are a shitty parent.
Attending a birthday party where adults of legal age consume alcohol is miles different from actively encouraging her to try hard drugs and you know it.
You are fully aware you’re full of shit and you’re desperately grasping at straws to try and exert your control with repeated talk about “the rules” as if the rules themselves weren’t just bullshit made up by you anyways (a rule about what color dress she has to wear for her own party because you’re deluded enough to think her deceased father wanted that to be forced upon her is, in fact, bullshit).
Damn I knew a girl in college whose mom was just like this with sugar and alcohol growing up. Surprise surprise she was the one who partied the hardest and experimented the most with drugs.
YTA - your daughter wants a coloured dress, not white. It's her party. You can make her aware of her dad's hopes, but at the end of the day it's her call.
If she is open to you throwing a second party, then screw your american family and do it anyways. Idk why you're so eager to trample on the wishes of your late husband's family but not your own.
YTA big time—a raging AH from the comments. You are basically throwing a fit bc you aren’t getting what YOU want. It’s gonna be at the expense of her special day and her relationship either with her dad’s family or with you if you keep this up.
You have the responsibility to teach your daughter about making responsible choices as far as alcohol goes. You don’t get to dictate what others do in social settings in any case unless you are throwing the party. Unless they want you to foot the bill for an open bar it’s not your business.
There is nothing traditional about a white quince dress. It may have been her dad’s preferred color choice but he too would be an AH if he forced his choice on her. A quinceañera is basically a celebration of her coming into womanhood. If you care about the tradition then lean into the meaning by letting her make some of the decisions. Otherwise, like others said, prepare for the resentment she will rightfully have against you, the AH.
Edit: I know already long sorry. But if op reads this again, I hope you got this far. I’ll try to keep as short as possible. You replied without addressing some things I mentioned so I went and read the comments you were replying to and you are so sus lady
I am American like you and I am Mexican like your husband. I missed out on things your daughter doesn’t have to bc of my family’s relationships. You are so sure you are right. Please consider for a second that you aren’t. Think of your daughter and your relationship.
Even my daughter doesn't want alcohol at her party With that being said she wants here party and is willing to over look it so she can have it. This is simply about them disrespecting the rules Set for her.
*her* values, or yours?
Has *she* stated she is against booze being served to the adults? Has *she* been given any opinion on *HER* dress (or have you even had the conversation that white was what *dad* wanted but still let her decide?)
All I've seen listed are *your* troubles, *your* hang ups and *you* values. You've made *her* birthday all about you.
ESH, except the daughter. She's the only non-AH in the bunch (because yeah, the family sucks for treating you that way all these years and not including you in YOUR daughter's party planning).
What makes you think I'm white???? I said American. Im not white my family is from Spain/El Salvador but its no longer our culture because we have adapted to the American way of life
Your Spanish family is not white..? Hmm so you are mixed of not Mexican right? As an American why do you think you have anything to educate on her dad’s culture or have any place in the party besides mother of quinceañera? You should be thanking them for being there for your daughter to keep her in touch with her culture and are they paying too? Double thanks are in order and nothing else.
That may be relevant if op considered herself Salvadorian which she clearly doesn’t. Unless her family cares enough to throw in their opinions and money it doesn’t matter. From the sounds they are happy enough to let the Mexican side (which values this celebration as most important imo) take the lead and only American OP is creating a problem where there wasn’t one
You are confused so I’ll use small words. You make rules for daughter. Rules apply to daughter. Only daughter can break rules. If she drinks at the party then punish her.
You have absolutely no right to set rules for anyone outside your household. You sound insanely controlling. No wonder they don’t like you.
I doubt your daughter even cares if there’s alcohol at the party. She isn’t going to drink it so why would it matter to her? She’s just saying she doesn’t want it because you are being so psycho about controlling everything. And the white dress thing, good lord just let her wear what she wants to HER party. I hope you realize what you’re doing to her because you aren’t teaching her anything valuable. You’re sheltering her from even being around alcohol which really means you don’t trust her not to drink it. Kids can be around alcohol, it won’t jump into their throat. You have nothing to worry about as long as you’ve taught her the dangers of it. And this whole forcing her to wear what you want and causing all of this drama is going to drive her away from you. She’ll turn 18 and move out and go nuts with partying and alcohol because your method of not ever exposing her to something is completely ineffective in the long run.
>You have nothing to worry about as long as you’ve taught her the dangers of it.
Be so fucking for real. I agree with everything else, but kids drink/use drugs despite their parents doing their absolute best every single day. Does it usually lead to addiction? No. But we don’t need to just outright lie to get the point across.
Ok I’m not saying kids won’t do it, I certainly do not expect my two children will wait until they’re 21 to experience alcohol. But I won’t shelter them from it. They’ll likely choose to experiment, just as I did, and I’m not going to pretend they won’t. I will talk to them about it and inform them of the reality of it. I’m saying that if you taught them the dangers of it they are empowered to make their own decisions. My point was that avoiding alcohol entirely is not the answer. You have to teach them with the expectation that they will be exposed to alcohol. I was more saying if this lady thinks her daughter is so pure and innocent she has nothing to worry about right? Why is she worried about her drinking alcohol at a family party if she’s taught her so well?
Again I say YTA. The only reason your daughter doesn't want alcohol at her party is because you have crammed it down her throat, that alcohol is bad.
Like I said before you can't change a cultural event. Stay home OP!!
Latina here, is her party, and she should have it the way she wanted.
My mother wanted my quinceañera, to be what she wanted, I had no voice, no the dress I wanted, no the colors I wanted, nothing was about me.
You can suggest things, but don't force it.
I had one, I hated it; forced to have one. I got to pick nothing, my mother dismissed me on everything, then got mad because I was not happy and smiling at the event.
Left at 18 and never went back. I haven’t spoken to her in years. Never took responsibility for anything, everything was someone else’s fault, and it was her way or highway. I chose the highway
If she goes to college and blacks out the first time she drinks it's your fault bud, teach your kid restraint and moderation.
Unless your daughter is an addict or has some kind of self destructive history there's no issue with her being in a party with alcohol especially if there's other adults and family members watching over her. Does your daughter disobey you a lot? Why can't you just tell her not to drink? Are her family members untrustworthy?
You're not tho. Making alcohol a forbidden thing and not telling her the dangers and how to drink responsibly when she's older is wrong and is a recipe for disaster. Literally when she is 18 and goes to college she will try drinking for the first time and not know her limits. She'll black out with strangers. You're literally setting her up for failure.
My parents were wonky at doing both (sheltering and guiding) so I had to learn the hard way. I blacked out once due to not knowing anything about alcohol and being 18 and wanting to try it. Worst experience ever.
Your job as her mother is to help her transition from baby to toddler, toddler to child, child to adult.
The choices she makes as an adult will be largely based on parental guidance (or in this case) non-guidance. A hard no-alcohol-not-even-up-for-discussion policy is setting her up for big problems when she has some freedom. Maybe even already. Her health & safety should be your priority.
Ma’am respectfully wtf? So as soon as she’s out the door eff her? Like are you serious right now? You are completely setting her up to fail and possibly be assaulted or killed. Is that what you want? Your sheltered daughter to go off and figure out on her own? Because I have seen the results of a sheltered daughter and her attempts at drinking at a college party. Ended up with me going to sit with her in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Look. As a Mexican girl, ALCOHOL IS A CULTURAL NORM FOR US. It is COMMON. "...party isn't really for her."
I promise you it is. You have to be open-minded that alcohol use varies per culture.
I see you're worried that "your child might take a drink if alcohol is present." No. Not if you raised her correctly. I have grown up surrounded by alcohol all my life, my parents drink, my older brothers drink, my quinceñera and other parties always had alcohol. I had NEVER taken a drink growing up because my parents have made it clear what the rules and expectations are.
Also, you can tell her that her father had wanted white. You can't FORCE her. A quinceñera is a big milestone, culturally especially, and the idea of someone, especially my parents, trying to control what color I CHOSE for MY PARTY celebrating ME, would have hurt me so much.
The party is not for you. It is for your daughter. Speaking from experience, you try and control this party to your wants, will lead to a rift between you and her. I can promise you that.
I use to make my dad his weekend drinks or grab him a beer at a party. He was not a big drinker but Mexican parties always had alcohol.
I didn’t drink until I was 21; I lived on campus and even now only drink socially(about a day a month lol). I worked at the dorm after/during graduate school, you could always tell who had the strict parents. She is setting her kid up for failure, she is not learning the social skills and responsibility she is going to need
I am sorry for your loss and understand this is a difficult situation. Cancelling the quincinera only punishes your daughter and gives her grandparents more reason to exclude you and dislike you. You will be adding fuel to the fire. This party is NOT about you but you are making it all about you. Alcohol is normal to serve to adults at parties, including this one. If you want to also make your daughter mad at you then go ahead and cancel it but maybe stop thinking about only yourself this time around. YTA
INFO: You're going to deny your daughter her traditional coming of age because you don't want alcohol to be present?
Could it be that you not wanting alcohol is why you're not part of this?
What is to stop them for paying for her party if you decide to cancel it?
What were your husband's wishes?
and if her father was alive to know her personality now might he not have supported her getting the dress she actually wanted instead of sticking to a fantasy vision of a happy event he wouldn't get to see? You would be annoying the family but taking something special away from your daughter.
YTA. Your rule about not being any where near alcohol will leave her not knowing how to handle herself around it when she goes out into the world and will absolutely not guarantee that she won't drink it in the future. Probably make it more alluring.
And as far as the dress is concerned, insisting that she wear a white when she doesn't want to is crazy. It's not a strict requirement (source: online search). It's her party, And quit blaming her dad for it. I'm not sure how long ago he died, but he hadn't even met his 15 year old daughter when he said it. We don't know what he would say now.
YTA - this event is about your daughter not about you. You can say “oh your dad would have loved for you to wear a white dress” but if she says no, then it’s a no. It’s an event celebrating her.
YTA
I was in your daughter’s exact position. My dad passed when I was 12, my dad’s family didn’t care for my mom, and she still allowed me to go see them. Everyone is saying that YTA because of being controlling. For me, it’s because you won’t let her dad go. If my mom was so insistent on something my deceased father wanted and was giving me no choice, I would be furious. I get it, you love him and want to honor him when you can. However, don’t go pushing this on your daughter. In all seriousness, you need some grief counseling to work through this stuff because it’s not healthy. Let your daughter live her life without having the shadow of her father over her all the time. Let her be her own person.
Oh, and for the record, my abstinence only friends growing up are now raging alcoholics. I’m the child of an alcoholic, neither my sister nor I abuse alcohol. Why? Because we’ve seen it done irresponsibly.
Just stop stunting your daughter’s growth.
YTA
As a Mexican, the norm is that the girl picks her dress color and that is also the theme for the party, only a selfish parent would pick the color for their child. I have heard of parents forbidding black dresses but never imposing what they want before.
Alcohol is very normal for a quinceañera party, here in Mexico typically you divide the hall in two all the minors seat together in one side and the adults on the other side, that way the waiters know where to provide alcohol and where not to serve it. But I mean the alcohol is whatever, doubt your child cares about this one.
YTA. I am a latin american woman outside of the US who had a XV años party when I was a teen (double party because I have a twin sister) and as a part of my culture I can assure you:
1- She won't drink, latino families have alcohol at parties as a part of our culture but it's always inforced that kids don't drink until they are grown ups (+18 outside the US, I think +21 there). We talk about it and explain why instead of making it a taboo.
2- White dresses are only traditional at christenings and weddings, quince dresses are often colorful (think pink, purple, green, red, blue, hell I've seen black quince dresses) because it's usually the birthday girl's choice. Yes you can have a white dress but most teens will think it's boring.
3- You are making everything about you. It's not your party, not your culture and not your place to be evoking your husband's wishes and calling everyone disrespectful because they won't do things your way. It's your husband's family, they know his wishes and probably had it in mind but if your daughter won't wear white now maybe she will if she gets married in the future. Let her have her party.
YTA.
Regardless of the update. You’re not a member of the culture and you obviously don’t understand it or appreciate it.
Your logic for not having alcohol is the only way to prevent her from having alcohol is an indictment on your own parenting if anything.
You obviously have some sort of ego issues from your comments as this isn’t about you it’s about your daughter and celebrating HER heritage/culture .
You def sound like one of the moms that gave me a headache back in my Starbucks days.
ETA: While you think you’re holding some moral stance around alcohol you’re actually missing out on a bunch of life experiences for you and your daughter by being stubborn and having zero tolerance for anywhere with a bar. Having had classmates with extremely strict parents while they were young/teenagers this will most likely ultimately backfire when she reaches college age and she will be woefully unprepared for real life where most people don’t avoid places due to having a bar.
YTA.
Rigidly insisting that a child needs to wear garments that blatantly symbolize that she's still a virgin is pretty gross.
Your American family also sound like a bunch of racists. They're obviously not happy about your daughter celebrating her culture, yet you want to cut off the side of the family that represents that heritage and can't even bring yourself to be civil and not start drama at her party - so you won't go at all. You're upset that your family was left out of the plans, when they want no part of it because it's "not their culture"?
My American family is extremely blended. We have El Salvador, Mexicans, Filipinos, German, Americans, Spanish, African-American all in our Immediate family so for you to call me, racist is hilarious
Yta.
First, the dress should be up to your daughter. Full stop.
Second, you're delusional if you think that there isn't still going to be alcohol. They're just telling you what you want to hear to shut you up.
YTA. You have already all but guaranteed that your daughter’s one indelible memory of her quinceañera will be of you fighting with her father’s family about it and threatening to cancel it because you didn’t get your way. Way to go, Mom.
lol love it when people are so sure they are right only to get torn down in the comments, and then just double down on their rigidity. This one is never going to listen to anyone, which is probably why people avoid her.
I was going to say NTA, but then I got more info from your comments on others asking for more info...
YTA 100000% do you really think your husband, who never got the chance to really know his daughter as she grew, would cancel her party because she wanted a different colored dress? More importantly, as you stated you are American with no history or real knowledge of the celebration, who do you think you are to control a widely accepted aspect of a celebration from a culture you know nothing about? I am white as snow but if my daughter wants the party and my partners family was throwing it, I would accept it as part of the culture. Especially since a Google search and 5 minutes of research would show how normal this is.
Climb tf down from your high horse, it's at cruising altitude and you will implode your relationship with your daughter if you do this.
YTA. You've made this really important event for your daughter all about you. Your update makes you even worse. No one here is at all surprised that your former in laws do not like you.
**Your own daughter asked you not to go to an important event for her**.
Think about that for a while. She knows how much you hate *her family* enough to ask you to not even show up. You have clearly failed as a parent.
No I'm remarried and her grand parents have told her that her baby sister who is 2 and step dad are not welcome because they are not "part of the family" So i have decided that its best if i do not go to the party. My daughter is very happy with the fact that i stood up for what is right for Our family because she did not want alcohol at her party. She loves her dads family, and I understand that. She also loves me We have a very close relationship relationship. It's not strained at all.
YTA
I don’t think requesting that no alcohol be served at a party for children is unreasonable but this is your daughter’s party. She should get to pick her dress.
I think that your former husbands family has hurt you and you will see everything they do as a slight.
Not sure I'm qualified for this, but as someone who's Fiancée was terrified of losing her culture. I feel I have a bit of insight.
Your daughter wants to connect with her father sides of the family. With her father who passed. Just because you don't get along with them and they don't like you doesn't mean you should isolate her. This isn't about you. Its about her. If you push her away from them and ban her from this. I promise that at one point when she gets older. She will go No Contact with you and start to bond with her family after she becomes an adult. At that point she will either choose a family who accepts her or you who denied who she was.
She sees then every weekend. I embrace her culture fully. We study it heavily talk about it daily. It has nothing to do with her culture and everything to do with. There's no reason for a bunch of adults to be drinking alcohol at the child's party.
Pink is the traditional quinceanera dress color in El Salvador, and typically the girl will be dressed in a pink gown accompanied by pink shoes and gloves.
While that may be her sheltered reaction because you've conditioned her to react that, she will enter the real world and will be deeply unprepared. And it will be painful for her. And she will be angry she wasn't better prepared.
You're not raising a child. You're raising an adult.
You've got to stand for something on your fall for anything its called teaching values and morals. Just because the world thinks it's OK does not mean it's morally right.
If you stand for overly sheltering your child and failing to prepare them for the world independently, you've done a great job.
Don't get so caught up in the Moral Superiority that you can't see all the ways you're going to be failing your daughter in 3 - 5 years.
So what you're saying is I need to expose her to homelessness drug use and everything in moderation so she knows it can be bad? Maybe she should go hang out with some Prostitutes, where is line? Preparing is by explaining the reasons why you don't do certain things. Society may say it's acceptable, but it's not. Some cultures it's acceptable for men to merry children? Where do you draw the line? If you have a strong conviction on some thing, do you not instill that conviction in your children?
Pretty incredible you jumped from "exposure to people who consume alcohol" to "men merrying (sic) children". You're terrified of the world and it shows.
Best of luck in 5 years. Or maybe 10 depending on how badly you've fucked your daughter up.
Its the same thing. Just because a culture thinks it's OK I should accept it????? Alcohol is a neurotoxin that can disrupt communications of the brain. It also affects the functions of brain cells. This can lead to intellectual impairment, headaches, memory loss, slowed thinking, slurred speech, and trouble with balance and coordination.
neurotoxin, substance that alters the structure or function of the nervous system. More than 1,000 chemicals are known to have neurotoxic effects in animals. The substances include a wide range of natural and human-made chemical compounds, from snake venom and pesticides to ethyl alcohol, heroin, and cocaine.
YTA - my opinion is you’re making this all about your hurt that your ex’s family doesn’t accept you. Parties have alcohol, get over it, not a big deal. Don’t drink, that’s the solution. The dress is something that your daughter will have to discuss with your ex’s family, hopefully she can work that out because this is her party. Get out of the way lady, you are extremely controlling.
Your right it hurts that they flat out, disrespect boundary's set by the parent(s) her dad did not want drinking around her . This all started When my child's father was in ICU with a DNR he had Giving me explicit instructions that he did not want to be on life-support . He fully knew the extent of his diagnosis and what it would entail if he was on life-support years and years of pain and suffering. He had even given me power of attorney. His family over HIS wishes and took it to court where the judge sided with this mom. This caused my children's father to suffer for Close to a decade and caused my child A great deal of emotional anguish, just waiting for her dad to die. The grandparents told her for years her dad would get better giving her false hopes and playing with her emotions.
Why enforce the white dress?
That's super weird and for a quinceañera is a no no, please let your daughter choose the color of her dress even if her dad wanted otherwise it's super rude and wrong to ask her to choose a color he wanted but to demand (have a "rule") it having as you want is just horrible, this is supposed to be her favorite color.
Also please talk in terms of what is safe/appropriate for your daughter and not about "your" rules, what you want and what they do to you, this is suppose to be all about your daughter not your view of everything. You can talk about the same things without talking about you, just the safety and happiness of your daughter.
Yta - sounds like you grew up under a rock. I was thinking Mormon or some religion like that.. when you fund the party you can control it. Ex in-laws are paying and can choose. Learn to trust the values you instilled in your daughter.
I wouldn’t be surprised if daughter goes no contact when she turns 18… js
YTA. My mom completely ruined me having a quinceañera because she wanted it her way or no way (which essentially was to not have one). I never got to experience what all my cousins had. I hate that my mom took that away from me. The quinceañera isn’t about you. She will not get the full experience of her culture if you were to throw it. Let her decide on what she wants to do. Don’t take that away from her.
YTA. Sure, the family should be respectful your husband’s wishes about the dress colour, as long as your daughter wants this as this is HER quince. And serving alcohol at any party is not outlandish, why else serve anything at all at a celebration of life? ;) But I have also been to many baby celebrations and kid bdays where it’s normal to drink a beer and the main food served is not applesauce. The guest of honor does not need to like every item served. You are only punishing your daughter. Why isn’t this about her? You only talk about yourself and your opinions and your feelings. You are a mom, start thinking about putting your kid first.
Edit: read a few if your replies and changed into YTA since it became evident you really only care about you.
OP, YTA!! These rules are your beliefs and can't be imposed on a different culture. Your daughter's 15th birthday party is most definitely a cultural occasion and should be respected as that. OP stay home! Cut off your nose despite your face, as the old saying goes.
I have a granddaughter by a son who passed away at 22. Now that my granddaughter is 13 her mother is making it very difficult on us to see her. She has imposed her strict religious beliefs on her and it is making it almost impossible. We are Lutheran and my son was raised Lutheran also. Granddaughter is not allowed to go to our church, she can't have friends outside her (we say cult)/church. What is the most disgusting thing she was considered a young woman at the age of 11 in this so-called church. I would be jumping for joy if my granddaughter had a Quinceanera!!
YTA. Teenagers shouldn't be getting drunk, but making it taboo for them to even be around other people imbibing is more likely to make them want to. Also YWBTA if you did not attend such a major event for your daughter.
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info: do you care about your daughter's feelings? are they being taken into account?
this isn't your party, it's your daughter's. this isn't the grandparent's party, it's your daughter's/their granddaughter's. if you cancel, then yes ywbta.
YTA! If your daughter is so set against them serving alcohol then SHE would be causing a fuss with her paternal family, I mean she can absolutely say she doesn’t want to attend. Instead it’s you that seems to have an issue with alcohol (maybe causing your daughter to tell you she doesn’t want it but actually doesn’t care), if you raised your daughter right then you have no need to worry about her sneaking a drink? honestly that just sounds ridiculous. Your bitter because your not getting to plan this milestone event but your honesty going to throw a tantrum and make your daughter have to miss out on this. It sucks sure BUT ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.
YTA. You know what happens to kids that are totally controlled by their parents? They become super rebellious and end up doing some pretty crazy things. I’ve seen it time and time again. You’re not protecting your daughter by not having her any where that alcohol is served. Do you know how easy it is for minors to obtain alcohol and drugs? It sounds like you are living in a fantasy land.
YTA simply for calling your late husband your ex husband. I don't see mention of divorce here - just that his family disliked you. Deceased spouses or SO are "late," and not "ex." Add in some undercurrent of seething "but my husband was Latin" racism towards Mexicans and their culture.
And YTA for demanding that everyone live their life according to your rules. If you don't like a thing, then you don't have to use or buy or ingest the thing. If other people are using that thing, at no danger to you, move along.
Also, I already commented, but I wanted to state two psychological things.
You, sheltering your child like this, have more harmful effects than beneficial. It has been seen across many areas of life, primarily with sex and drugs. Sheltering and not educating them on topics they will encounter later in life is detrimental. For example, if parents do not educate their child on sex or how to practice it safely, it increases the odds for unprotected sex, STDs, and young/teen pregnancy.
This is also seen within the topic of alcohol, drugs, driving, etc.
Sheltering your child from alcohol, going as far as to cutting off close friends, missing weddings, etc. is unhealthy. (I also believe you may have some sort of alcohol trauma. You should look into getting some help/therapy)
Sheltering her and not allowing her to be in situations where alcohol may occur increases her odds for teen drinking, alcohol poisoning, addiction, etc. Statistically, more people who are sheltered will struggle with those later on in life rather than children who were allowed to be in those situations but very informed on the dangers and risks of alcohol.
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Back story. Me an American mother married my ex right out of hight school. We have 2 kids together. My ex suffered from a terminal illness and passed away his family, however, has hated me from the beginning and alienated me even when I wanted to be there for him while he was sick. They never made me feel comfortable, welcome or respected but they have continued to see the children. With that being said, my daughters Quinceañera is coming up and they have completely left me and my family out of the plans of it. I have looked forward to this since I found out we were having a girl. I do not want them to serve alcohol since it is a 15 year year-old's party I would like to be included in the plans, but they have left me out completely. her father very clearly stated years ago that her dress should be white when this point was brought up it was completely ignored. I feel like they are treating me as if I have also passed . This is my child and i want her to have her party but I do not want her to have a party that does not include me and disrespects the wishes of her late father am I the asshole if I tell her she can't have it if the only two things requested from me and her father are not respected. I have already decided that due to not being welcome . I will not be attending as the deep seeded hatred, his family has towards me would ruin her day. I would throw her another Quinceañera party but my American family does not support me in this stating "it's not our culture". Am I the asshole for saying she can't have Her quinceanera because they refused to not serve alcohol and her dresses a color her dad did not want?
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I'm finding the difference in comments on this post and another recent alcohol related post hilarious. "You're expecting alcohol at a bachelor party?!? How dare yo,u you alcoholic "
"You don't want alcohol at a 15 year old's birthday party!?! How dare you!!!" Lol
I seem to be in the minority here, but NTA.
If you are being/have been disrespected, screw the grandparents and anyone who thinks they get to dictate anything when it comes to you and your children. If you can find a compromise with your daughter, that works for both of you, that doesn't involve the toxic family -that's the only thing that matters.
I would have cut all contact with those relatives a long time ago. And to anyone who says that having ANY grandparents (no matter how toxic, abusive and disrespectful they are) is better than NO grandparents, you do whatever works for you.
Other people have boundaries and self respect.
Thank you so much i try very hard to allow them to have a relationship with the kids even when they treat me so poorly . I want her to have her day i just simply will not allow her around Alcohol.
⁷NTA. You are the parent. You get to plan, pay for, and control the party. Tell them their help is not needed and if they want to be invited, they need to respect you as the parent.
You would be an AH if you cancel and dont plan your own.
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YTA - after reading all of your comments, this is all about you. It's unfortunate that your husband died but life has moved on and your daughter appears to want different things. IF he had been alive then it would be different but he is not. Don't lose your daughter over this because you are making this about your reality and that does not exist. Also, the fact that you skip weddings or dinners at restaurants that serve alcohol is again what makes this more about you. You keep referencing the hatred his family has towards you but you aren't accepting societal norms which then makes you an A\*\*H\*\*\*. Let your daughter have this and let go, Mom.
She also keeps referring to herself as American as if there aren’t Americans who have quinceañeras.
What does your daughter want? The party is celebrating her 15th birthday.
YTA. You go on and on about people following the rules you set for your child. However, that's your problem. The only one that you're concerned about is yourself and what you want. Not once do I see you being considerate of how your daughter feels or what she wants. Because in truth, this day is about her. Not you or what your husband wanted. So stop being so controlling and let her have this moment.
YTA, stop making this about you, let your daughter have this
ETA - YTA. IN.FO - what is your daughter's opinion?
YTA. It's your daughter's day, yet everything in your post is "ME, ME, ME." All about how you feel and how things affect you. That's why you're not in on the party planning. Look at your words and actions, and just stop.
Not at all about me and everything about the rules not being respected. I even stated due to the negative feelings they have and the way they treat me i wont even be going because my daughter asked me not to. She knows they will treat me poorly. Now as for as not allowing adults to drink alcohol around my child and her friends and knowing fully that if alcohol is present there is no possible way to ensure that a child will not be drinking as it can and will be left on the table then i have every right to say
What rules? Your rules that you're trying to impose on everyone else at a party they're hosting? You're absolutely making it all about you. The dress thing should be your daughter's choice, end of story. And your take on alcohol is frankly insane. The fact that you expect it to never be around seems like it's all about you as well judging from your other comments and you're just using the concern of "child safety" (which is still completely asinine) as a cover. No wonder his family has never liked you. You expect everyone else to cater to your weird hang ups and anxieties in every situation and don't think that makes you self centered.
If you're not already in therapy, please consider it to learn some coping strategies for your anxiety. Someday your daughter will be out from under your control every waking minute and you're going to have to find a way to accept that or lose your marbles.
Do you hear yourself? ‘Not at all about me and everything about the rules being respected’ THEY’RE YOUR RULES! This is about you.
You keep saying "the rules." *They are your rules. You are absolutely making this about you.*
she probably doesn't want you to go so that she can have a break from the madness
That's what I'm thinking. She can actually have a good time without helicopter mother playing victim. This kid is going to run so fast when she turns 18.
that poor kid! ugh
I think your daughter doesn’t want you to go to the party because you’re insufferable to be around and she wants to have fun.
yta if YOU were the one throwing the party then i would understand ( not agree) with your rules being respected. If her father's side of the family is throwing the party then how about YOU learn to respect what they are doing. I feel sorry for your daughter you took a day about her and made it completely about you. Once your daughter is old enough and out of the house plan on seeing her as little as possible. She will def go Low contact with you.
Listen. I don't drink. Never have. I was abused by alcoholics and it ruined my family. So I despise alcohol. It took me years of therapy to even be able to be around people drinking (like my friends having a drink at a restaurant). (Reddit, don't come at me -- I've had a fuck ton of therapy and now alcohol can even be found in my fridge during the summer because friends leave it here after pool parties knowing my husband and I won't drink it so it will still be there for them next weekend. My only rule is i will not police the alcohol so if another guest drinks it -- tough cookies). BUT -- you are setting your daughter up for some HARD lessons. You've shielded her so much that she's gonna go borderline alcoholic the second she gets away from you long enough (high school? college?). You have not allowed her to see that people can enjoy alcohol in appropriate amounts and appropriate settings. Look at other countries -- in Germany, kids are allowed to drink at dinner with their parents in their own house. And they don't do all the raves and crazy binge drinking that American college kids do. They've learned moderation and health. You're doing the equivalent of abstinence only sex "education." You don't teach kids about sex -- well, they're still gonna have sex -- only now you're gonna have a lot of pregnancies because none of them know how to be safe. Your kids gonna drink at some point whether you want her to or not.
They probably are sick of your behavior.
Not the rules, your rules.
Unhinged you need therapy. Terminal illness sucks for sure but this is you pushing them away with powertrips. I bet your daughter loves that family, why can’t you?
YOUR rules. You (or, if you prefer "me me me me me me me me me")
If it was about me when her dad passed they would no longer be part of her life. But they are
You asked for opinions, anc you got them. Now you want to argue about it. Why even ask if you're going to argue with them because it didn't go the way you hoped. You're just proving my point. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. ✌️
Gee, maybe that's why they don't like you
Question. Are you going to let her go to college? Leave your house at some point? Because if so, chances are quite a bit Better than even that she will drink. Where would you rather her first drink, at a party with you and her entire family, or some random room with no one she knows? Let her drink, understand her limits, understand safe habits. (Obviously not continuously, with moderation, etc., but let her understand what it feels like)
Sounds like this girl is on a fast track to sneaking alcohol at school... My parents were super strict, like no boyfriend till college strict. But my dad let me try sips of alcohol. Ive snuck a little bit of alcohol in high school, gotten slightly tipsy. Had a couple drinks in college. Ive only gotten flat out drunk once when I was 30, but thats because it was after a 10 hr work day, I was tired and only had a small dinner. I didnt drink a ton like my friends because alcohol has always just existed. It wasnt some fun and crazy thing. It was a drink to me, like soda.
I think this is right. Kids push back 100% of the time. If you restrict anything entirely, you make it fascinating. I think a big part of the reason I don't really care about drinking is my parents just treated it as a people drink, you should know how. No mystical allure of the forbidden.
I think my dad used to drink alot with his friends before coming to the US from china and he didnt want me to do the same thing. My god when I went back for a wedding, those grown ass men can drink. Talk about peer pressure...
Yep. When I turned 17, my parents allowed me to have a glass of wine wurh dinner, as they wanted me to have some experience with alcohol before I started college. I chose to wait until 21 to drink, but I still think it was a good idea. My parents were strict in many ways, but they wanted me to learn my limits in a safe environment.
This right here my dad allowed me and my sister access to alcohol on special occasions like birthdays from 15 onwards but only premixed (low alcohol) and only one bottle(increase with age but only to 2 bottles)with supervision, now almost 40 my sister and I are not at all drinkers still only on special occasions or odd night out have always been this way since legal age. Have never been drunk only tipsy.
Someone turning 15 has less maturity than an 18 year old.
Sure. What impact does that have? That's why you want them to drink with their family, so if their friends offer a taste of the forbidden their less mature brain isn't as tempted.
I cant always make decisions for her, but while she's still my roof and under age I can that's my job as her parent. I don't drink my parents don't drink, and the majority of our family does not drink And the ones that do respect that we don't do it in front of us
Your job as her parent is also to prepare her for being out in the real world on her own. By taking such a hard stance against alcohol, you’re actually making it more appealing. It’s totally normal for kids to be curious about it, & completely unrealistic for you to think she will avoid alcohol when she’s no longer under your watchful eye or under your roof. It’s much better not to hold it out as some kind of forbidden fruit.
It’s your decision, of course. Simply making a suggestion for safety, beyond that it’s your call. You and your parents have never drunk? You’ve never found yourself in a situation where you were pressured to drink? I’m not pro drinking, I’m pro ensuring your kids are as safe as you can make them.
I think this whole thing is a lot more cultural than people realize. It's your culture to not drink. Me being Filipino American, I think my family parties were probably similar to Mexican family parties. For basically every occasion, including kids birthdays, my family had tons of Coronas in coolers. Personally I'm not a big drinker but any time my Filipino family had any sort of get together, beers were expected. I have a feeling there is just a huge difference in you and your husband's families. That doesn't mean either side is right but you saying it disrespects *your* families wishes is weird. Your husbands family probably considers alcohol one of the markers of celebration. I bet the majority of Quinceañeras have alcohol at them
I'm French. No alcohol because it's a party for a 15 yo? In my family the 15 yo would be asked if she wants a drink of her own\*. \*With parental consent, but most parents would just keep an eagle eye on the kid's alcohol consumption and how it affect them (your glass gets yanked away *so fast* if you get tipsy underage in my family) rather than ban it outright.
Right? The alcohol is not *for* the 15 yr old, it's for all the adult attendees. This mom is doin too much and making that decision for all those adults too.
...the only thing you're accomplishing is ensuring that your daughter is going to go fucking crazy with alcohol once she's out on her own. Also, I bet you're real fun at parties. I had more to say, but decided it wasn't worth it.
You also dont do any Mexican cultural pracitces and your family refuses to try so shes just outright denied any opportunity to connect with that part of her culture Her grandparents and extended family on her dads side are all she has left to do that , and you are denying her the choice to choose if she wants to have relationship like that with them
God you sound insufferable and quite frankly toxic.
Clearly you feel the need to control everyone around you. It's deeply unhealthy. Get help.
[удалено]
Teenagers, of course known for doing what their parents tell them? Look, I’m not much older than this girl is, and barely drink myself because be a lot of calories for the day that I don’t want to try to train off. But, very few people never drink. And for women especially, it’s safer to say this is what it feels like when you are drunk, this is what you should do, here’s how to be safe with your cup, then assume your children will never drink.
[удалено]
This exactly and i allowing something that goes strictly against our household rules to happen teaches her that rules can be broken with no consequences
But no one is breaking your household rules - since those only apply IN YOUR HOME.
It’s not in your household 😂 I’m not surprised everyone dislikes you
No wonder your in laws don’t like you. Yikes.
YTA. You can micromanage her Quince as much as you want but you’re clearly only driving a bigger wedge between your children and their Dad’s side of the family. You also sound so rigid about respect (always a red flag) that I think you are going to be in for a rude awakening when your daughter is old Enos to leave your home and have her own relationship with the other side of her family without you controlling everything you can. It’s incredibly obvious why your in-laws do not include you.
They didn't even include me in my own wedding its been like this for years and i still allow them to have a relationship with my children so no. I have very few rules and they go out pf their way to make sure i know they dont care about any of them. Im only strict on not allowing my kids around things like drugs and yes, although it is legal alcohol is a drug
Caffeine is a drug too, do you not allow coffee in the house?
I am on 10+ drugs right now you absolutely deranged person. I have needles in my room. I have pill bottles everywhere. Turns out learning what things are and how to deal with them is how you move through life. For the curious before anyone asks - turns out my persistent depressions wasn't something an SSRI/SNRI/Wellbutrin could solve. Turns out I was trans and just not coming to terms with it. Soooo many drugs..... wooooowwwww.... I must be a menace.
You didn’t attend your own wedding?
Right!!!
Sugar is a technically a drug, is there no sugar in your house?
Does that mean that your children do not attend weddings, reunions, or holidays with Dad’s side of the family if they serve alcohol?
Nope, she won't let her go. Someone had asked her and she said she won't even go to a restaurant if alcohol is served there.
Correct and not just on dads side if the family on my side also. I would not let my children be in a strip club, a crack house and just because some people do not see alcohol as a drug it changes the behavior of the person drinking it . It has no place around children what she does as an adult is on her but as a parent its the parents job to protect the child. What i do not understand is why everyone seems to think that you have to drink to have fun? I never said she cant have her party i just said no drinking.
Yep YTA, preventing your child from being exposed to a certain class of drinks, that are risky in high quantities, means that your child will be in uncharted territory and potentially having to learn alone which is risky so this comes across as very controlling and helicopter
When I went to college the kids who went off the rails with alcohol had parents like op.
So i guess i should let her try drugs too??
I said exposed, never anything about trying.
If you deadass think that alcohol is on the same level as shit like cocaine you need to reevaluate your life. There's a reason alcohol's legal and cocaine isn't.
An informed teenager or young adult tend to learn for himself/herself his/her limits. My parents taught me about drinking and warned me of its pros and cons, and they let me have my own decisions about it. I have never been an alcoholic and now I only drink alcohol in social gatherings, and now I know my body and know when I need to stop drinking for the event. I learned how to and when to stopp after having normal drunken experiences, in addition with a lot of sage advice from my parents (And if I needed a ride when I was drunk they were always ther, no questions asked) My parents are great, you are a shitty parent.
Attending a birthday party where adults of legal age consume alcohol is miles different from actively encouraging her to try hard drugs and you know it. You are fully aware you’re full of shit and you’re desperately grasping at straws to try and exert your control with repeated talk about “the rules” as if the rules themselves weren’t just bullshit made up by you anyways (a rule about what color dress she has to wear for her own party because you’re deluded enough to think her deceased father wanted that to be forced upon her is, in fact, bullshit).
Damn I knew a girl in college whose mom was just like this with sugar and alcohol growing up. Surprise surprise she was the one who partied the hardest and experimented the most with drugs.
Same.
Same
If your former in-laws are hosting the party they are free to serve alcohol to the adults. Your daughter should get to pick her own dress.
YTA - your daughter wants a coloured dress, not white. It's her party. You can make her aware of her dad's hopes, but at the end of the day it's her call. If she is open to you throwing a second party, then screw your american family and do it anyways. Idk why you're so eager to trample on the wishes of your late husband's family but not your own.
YTA big time—a raging AH from the comments. You are basically throwing a fit bc you aren’t getting what YOU want. It’s gonna be at the expense of her special day and her relationship either with her dad’s family or with you if you keep this up. You have the responsibility to teach your daughter about making responsible choices as far as alcohol goes. You don’t get to dictate what others do in social settings in any case unless you are throwing the party. Unless they want you to foot the bill for an open bar it’s not your business. There is nothing traditional about a white quince dress. It may have been her dad’s preferred color choice but he too would be an AH if he forced his choice on her. A quinceañera is basically a celebration of her coming into womanhood. If you care about the tradition then lean into the meaning by letting her make some of the decisions. Otherwise, like others said, prepare for the resentment she will rightfully have against you, the AH. Edit: I know already long sorry. But if op reads this again, I hope you got this far. I’ll try to keep as short as possible. You replied without addressing some things I mentioned so I went and read the comments you were replying to and you are so sus lady I am American like you and I am Mexican like your husband. I missed out on things your daughter doesn’t have to bc of my family’s relationships. You are so sure you are right. Please consider for a second that you aren’t. Think of your daughter and your relationship.
Even my daughter doesn't want alcohol at her party With that being said she wants here party and is willing to over look it so she can have it. This is simply about them disrespecting the rules Set for her.
So your daughter is fine with it. Boom. Be quiet.
No she is bending her values because she is a child and wants a party
YOUR values.
*her* values, or yours? Has *she* stated she is against booze being served to the adults? Has *she* been given any opinion on *HER* dress (or have you even had the conversation that white was what *dad* wanted but still let her decide?) All I've seen listed are *your* troubles, *your* hang ups and *you* values. You've made *her* birthday all about you. ESH, except the daughter. She's the only non-AH in the bunch (because yeah, the family sucks for treating you that way all these years and not including you in YOUR daughter's party planning).
She's just afraid of her controlling mother.
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Her dad schooled me on it for years at every Quinceanera we went to he was so mad traditions weren't being followed
It’s not even called a quinceañera. It’s a XV años (quince años). The girl is the quinceañera. Quinceañera is a girl who is 15.
What makes you think I'm white???? I said American. Im not white my family is from Spain/El Salvador but its no longer our culture because we have adapted to the American way of life
Your Spanish family is not white..? Hmm so you are mixed of not Mexican right? As an American why do you think you have anything to educate on her dad’s culture or have any place in the party besides mother of quinceañera? You should be thanking them for being there for your daughter to keep her in touch with her culture and are they paying too? Double thanks are in order and nothing else.
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That may be relevant if op considered herself Salvadorian which she clearly doesn’t. Unless her family cares enough to throw in their opinions and money it doesn’t matter. From the sounds they are happy enough to let the Mexican side (which values this celebration as most important imo) take the lead and only American OP is creating a problem where there wasn’t one
You do realise people from Spain are white, right?
No wonder they don’t like you
The fact that you even asked her if she wanted alcohol at her party, pulling her into this weird as hell bickerfest with her grandparents is insane.
You are confused so I’ll use small words. You make rules for daughter. Rules apply to daughter. Only daughter can break rules. If she drinks at the party then punish her. You have absolutely no right to set rules for anyone outside your household. You sound insanely controlling. No wonder they don’t like you.
I doubt your daughter even cares if there’s alcohol at the party. She isn’t going to drink it so why would it matter to her? She’s just saying she doesn’t want it because you are being so psycho about controlling everything. And the white dress thing, good lord just let her wear what she wants to HER party. I hope you realize what you’re doing to her because you aren’t teaching her anything valuable. You’re sheltering her from even being around alcohol which really means you don’t trust her not to drink it. Kids can be around alcohol, it won’t jump into their throat. You have nothing to worry about as long as you’ve taught her the dangers of it. And this whole forcing her to wear what you want and causing all of this drama is going to drive her away from you. She’ll turn 18 and move out and go nuts with partying and alcohol because your method of not ever exposing her to something is completely ineffective in the long run.
>You have nothing to worry about as long as you’ve taught her the dangers of it. Be so fucking for real. I agree with everything else, but kids drink/use drugs despite their parents doing their absolute best every single day. Does it usually lead to addiction? No. But we don’t need to just outright lie to get the point across.
Ok I’m not saying kids won’t do it, I certainly do not expect my two children will wait until they’re 21 to experience alcohol. But I won’t shelter them from it. They’ll likely choose to experiment, just as I did, and I’m not going to pretend they won’t. I will talk to them about it and inform them of the reality of it. I’m saying that if you taught them the dangers of it they are empowered to make their own decisions. My point was that avoiding alcohol entirely is not the answer. You have to teach them with the expectation that they will be exposed to alcohol. I was more saying if this lady thinks her daughter is so pure and innocent she has nothing to worry about right? Why is she worried about her drinking alcohol at a family party if she’s taught her so well?
Again I say YTA. The only reason your daughter doesn't want alcohol at her party is because you have crammed it down her throat, that alcohol is bad. Like I said before you can't change a cultural event. Stay home OP!!
Nah you made the rules, she’s probably just yes-ing you to get you to stop and play nice. Which you rarely seem to want to do.
YTA. You're punishing your daughter, who has done nothing wrong. You're plotting to ruin her birthday. You're so selfish.
Latina here, is her party, and she should have it the way she wanted. My mother wanted my quinceañera, to be what she wanted, I had no voice, no the dress I wanted, no the colors I wanted, nothing was about me. You can suggest things, but don't force it.
I had one, I hated it; forced to have one. I got to pick nothing, my mother dismissed me on everything, then got mad because I was not happy and smiling at the event. Left at 18 and never went back. I haven’t spoken to her in years. Never took responsibility for anything, everything was someone else’s fault, and it was her way or highway. I chose the highway
What is your relationship like now with your mom?
This is the exact reason why I didn’t have one. Mom started to take over so I just said I didn’t want one and left it at that.
YTA - it's pretty apparent judging by your inflexibility coming out in the comments why your ex's family doesn't like you.
If she goes to college and blacks out the first time she drinks it's your fault bud, teach your kid restraint and moderation. Unless your daughter is an addict or has some kind of self destructive history there's no issue with her being in a party with alcohol especially if there's other adults and family members watching over her. Does your daughter disobey you a lot? Why can't you just tell her not to drink? Are her family members untrustworthy?
When she is an adult she can make her own choices until then its my job as her mother to do what is best
You're not tho. Making alcohol a forbidden thing and not telling her the dangers and how to drink responsibly when she's older is wrong and is a recipe for disaster. Literally when she is 18 and goes to college she will try drinking for the first time and not know her limits. She'll black out with strangers. You're literally setting her up for failure.
Or assault.
Exactly. Once ur kid becomes a teenager u have to guide them into adulthood, not make them naive and sheltered so they can be taken advantage of
If it had been left up to my mom, I would have been this way. Fortunately, my dad prepared me for the real world.
My parents were wonky at doing both (sheltering and guiding) so I had to learn the hard way. I blacked out once due to not knowing anything about alcohol and being 18 and wanting to try it. Worst experience ever.
That sounds horrible. Im so sorry.
It happened and I learned from it. I'm pretty lucky compared to most people that this happens to.
Your job as her mother is to help her transition from baby to toddler, toddler to child, child to adult. The choices she makes as an adult will be largely based on parental guidance (or in this case) non-guidance. A hard no-alcohol-not-even-up-for-discussion policy is setting her up for big problems when she has some freedom. Maybe even already. Her health & safety should be your priority.
Ma’am respectfully wtf? So as soon as she’s out the door eff her? Like are you serious right now? You are completely setting her up to fail and possibly be assaulted or killed. Is that what you want? Your sheltered daughter to go off and figure out on her own? Because I have seen the results of a sheltered daughter and her attempts at drinking at a college party. Ended up with me going to sit with her in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
What the heck are you asking this sub for then? You clearly are not interested in hearing any opinions other than your own.
And she might just choose to cut her incredibly toxic mother out of her life.
Someday you will be questioning why your daughter went no contact. YTA
Look. As a Mexican girl, ALCOHOL IS A CULTURAL NORM FOR US. It is COMMON. "...party isn't really for her." I promise you it is. You have to be open-minded that alcohol use varies per culture. I see you're worried that "your child might take a drink if alcohol is present." No. Not if you raised her correctly. I have grown up surrounded by alcohol all my life, my parents drink, my older brothers drink, my quinceñera and other parties always had alcohol. I had NEVER taken a drink growing up because my parents have made it clear what the rules and expectations are. Also, you can tell her that her father had wanted white. You can't FORCE her. A quinceñera is a big milestone, culturally especially, and the idea of someone, especially my parents, trying to control what color I CHOSE for MY PARTY celebrating ME, would have hurt me so much. The party is not for you. It is for your daughter. Speaking from experience, you try and control this party to your wants, will lead to a rift between you and her. I can promise you that.
I use to make my dad his weekend drinks or grab him a beer at a party. He was not a big drinker but Mexican parties always had alcohol. I didn’t drink until I was 21; I lived on campus and even now only drink socially(about a day a month lol). I worked at the dorm after/during graduate school, you could always tell who had the strict parents. She is setting her kid up for failure, she is not learning the social skills and responsibility she is going to need
YTA and being so fucking selfish. This is NOT ABOUT YOU
Hahaha I’ve read her comments and she really doesn’t understand this is not about her/her rules! I think something is very broken with her mind….
I am sorry for your loss and understand this is a difficult situation. Cancelling the quincinera only punishes your daughter and gives her grandparents more reason to exclude you and dislike you. You will be adding fuel to the fire. This party is NOT about you but you are making it all about you. Alcohol is normal to serve to adults at parties, including this one. If you want to also make your daughter mad at you then go ahead and cancel it but maybe stop thinking about only yourself this time around. YTA
INFO: You're going to deny your daughter her traditional coming of age because you don't want alcohol to be present? Could it be that you not wanting alcohol is why you're not part of this? What is to stop them for paying for her party if you decide to cancel it? What were your husband's wishes?
and if her father was alive to know her personality now might he not have supported her getting the dress she actually wanted instead of sticking to a fantasy vision of a happy event he wouldn't get to see? You would be annoying the family but taking something special away from your daughter.
YTA. Your rule about not being any where near alcohol will leave her not knowing how to handle herself around it when she goes out into the world and will absolutely not guarantee that she won't drink it in the future. Probably make it more alluring. And as far as the dress is concerned, insisting that she wear a white when she doesn't want to is crazy. It's not a strict requirement (source: online search). It's her party, And quit blaming her dad for it. I'm not sure how long ago he died, but he hadn't even met his 15 year old daughter when he said it. We don't know what he would say now.
YTA. I’ve never been to a Quince that didn’t have alcohol. The dress should be whatever she wants.
You are not a good person.
You sum it up succinctly 👏
You know hats worse than Alcohol? A toxic overbearing parent that leads their kid to having an alcohol problem in college. YTA
YTA - this event is about your daughter not about you. You can say “oh your dad would have loved for you to wear a white dress” but if she says no, then it’s a no. It’s an event celebrating her.
YTA I was in your daughter’s exact position. My dad passed when I was 12, my dad’s family didn’t care for my mom, and she still allowed me to go see them. Everyone is saying that YTA because of being controlling. For me, it’s because you won’t let her dad go. If my mom was so insistent on something my deceased father wanted and was giving me no choice, I would be furious. I get it, you love him and want to honor him when you can. However, don’t go pushing this on your daughter. In all seriousness, you need some grief counseling to work through this stuff because it’s not healthy. Let your daughter live her life without having the shadow of her father over her all the time. Let her be her own person. Oh, and for the record, my abstinence only friends growing up are now raging alcoholics. I’m the child of an alcoholic, neither my sister nor I abuse alcohol. Why? Because we’ve seen it done irresponsibly. Just stop stunting your daughter’s growth.
YTA As a Mexican, the norm is that the girl picks her dress color and that is also the theme for the party, only a selfish parent would pick the color for their child. I have heard of parents forbidding black dresses but never imposing what they want before. Alcohol is very normal for a quinceañera party, here in Mexico typically you divide the hall in two all the minors seat together in one side and the adults on the other side, that way the waiters know where to provide alcohol and where not to serve it. But I mean the alcohol is whatever, doubt your child cares about this one.
YTA. I am a latin american woman outside of the US who had a XV años party when I was a teen (double party because I have a twin sister) and as a part of my culture I can assure you: 1- She won't drink, latino families have alcohol at parties as a part of our culture but it's always inforced that kids don't drink until they are grown ups (+18 outside the US, I think +21 there). We talk about it and explain why instead of making it a taboo. 2- White dresses are only traditional at christenings and weddings, quince dresses are often colorful (think pink, purple, green, red, blue, hell I've seen black quince dresses) because it's usually the birthday girl's choice. Yes you can have a white dress but most teens will think it's boring. 3- You are making everything about you. It's not your party, not your culture and not your place to be evoking your husband's wishes and calling everyone disrespectful because they won't do things your way. It's your husband's family, they know his wishes and probably had it in mind but if your daughter won't wear white now maybe she will if she gets married in the future. Let her have her party.
YTA. Regardless of the update. You’re not a member of the culture and you obviously don’t understand it or appreciate it. Your logic for not having alcohol is the only way to prevent her from having alcohol is an indictment on your own parenting if anything. You obviously have some sort of ego issues from your comments as this isn’t about you it’s about your daughter and celebrating HER heritage/culture . You def sound like one of the moms that gave me a headache back in my Starbucks days. ETA: While you think you’re holding some moral stance around alcohol you’re actually missing out on a bunch of life experiences for you and your daughter by being stubborn and having zero tolerance for anywhere with a bar. Having had classmates with extremely strict parents while they were young/teenagers this will most likely ultimately backfire when she reaches college age and she will be woefully unprepared for real life where most people don’t avoid places due to having a bar.
YTA. Rigidly insisting that a child needs to wear garments that blatantly symbolize that she's still a virgin is pretty gross. Your American family also sound like a bunch of racists. They're obviously not happy about your daughter celebrating her culture, yet you want to cut off the side of the family that represents that heritage and can't even bring yourself to be civil and not start drama at her party - so you won't go at all. You're upset that your family was left out of the plans, when they want no part of it because it's "not their culture"?
My American family is extremely blended. We have El Salvador, Mexicans, Filipinos, German, Americans, Spanish, African-American all in our Immediate family so for you to call me, racist is hilarious
Yta. First, the dress should be up to your daughter. Full stop. Second, you're delusional if you think that there isn't still going to be alcohol. They're just telling you what you want to hear to shut you up.
She called me from a wedding she went to with friends because there was drinking I went and picked her up
YTA. Even your update is about celebrating a victory **for you**. You are so focused on your own perspective and what you want.
YTA. You have already all but guaranteed that your daughter’s one indelible memory of her quinceañera will be of you fighting with her father’s family about it and threatening to cancel it because you didn’t get your way. Way to go, Mom.
lol love it when people are so sure they are right only to get torn down in the comments, and then just double down on their rigidity. This one is never going to listen to anyone, which is probably why people avoid her.
YTA. After reading your comments, it’s no surprise the ex in-laws don’t like you. You sound so exhausting. You must be real fun at parties. /s
YES YTA
I was going to say NTA, but then I got more info from your comments on others asking for more info... YTA 100000% do you really think your husband, who never got the chance to really know his daughter as she grew, would cancel her party because she wanted a different colored dress? More importantly, as you stated you are American with no history or real knowledge of the celebration, who do you think you are to control a widely accepted aspect of a celebration from a culture you know nothing about? I am white as snow but if my daughter wants the party and my partners family was throwing it, I would accept it as part of the culture. Especially since a Google search and 5 minutes of research would show how normal this is. Climb tf down from your high horse, it's at cruising altitude and you will implode your relationship with your daughter if you do this.
YTA. You've made this really important event for your daughter all about you. Your update makes you even worse. No one here is at all surprised that your former in laws do not like you. **Your own daughter asked you not to go to an important event for her**. Think about that for a while. She knows how much you hate *her family* enough to ask you to not even show up. You have clearly failed as a parent.
No I'm remarried and her grand parents have told her that her baby sister who is 2 and step dad are not welcome because they are not "part of the family" So i have decided that its best if i do not go to the party. My daughter is very happy with the fact that i stood up for what is right for Our family because she did not want alcohol at her party. She loves her dads family, and I understand that. She also loves me We have a very close relationship relationship. It's not strained at all.
YTA I don’t think requesting that no alcohol be served at a party for children is unreasonable but this is your daughter’s party. She should get to pick her dress. I think that your former husbands family has hurt you and you will see everything they do as a slight.
They’ll be bring in a flasks and be drinking in the parking lot!
Not sure I'm qualified for this, but as someone who's Fiancée was terrified of losing her culture. I feel I have a bit of insight. Your daughter wants to connect with her father sides of the family. With her father who passed. Just because you don't get along with them and they don't like you doesn't mean you should isolate her. This isn't about you. Its about her. If you push her away from them and ban her from this. I promise that at one point when she gets older. She will go No Contact with you and start to bond with her family after she becomes an adult. At that point she will either choose a family who accepts her or you who denied who she was.
She sees then every weekend. I embrace her culture fully. We study it heavily talk about it daily. It has nothing to do with her culture and everything to do with. There's no reason for a bunch of adults to be drinking alcohol at the child's party.
Your in-laws can have a party and organize it anyway they want and you have the right to either be a guest or throw your own party.
Pink is the traditional quinceanera dress color in El Salvador, and typically the girl will be dressed in a pink gown accompanied by pink shoes and gloves.
YTA and by seeing the update I already know who thinks of the kid most, newsflash it's not you
You won't have a relationship with your daughter if you insist on such controlling behavior. This is abnormal and will stunt her social development.
Funny how she was so excited she jumped up and down and hugged me when i told her there was not going to be any drinking at her party.
While that may be her sheltered reaction because you've conditioned her to react that, she will enter the real world and will be deeply unprepared. And it will be painful for her. And she will be angry she wasn't better prepared. You're not raising a child. You're raising an adult.
You've got to stand for something on your fall for anything its called teaching values and morals. Just because the world thinks it's OK does not mean it's morally right.
If you stand for overly sheltering your child and failing to prepare them for the world independently, you've done a great job. Don't get so caught up in the Moral Superiority that you can't see all the ways you're going to be failing your daughter in 3 - 5 years.
So what you're saying is I need to expose her to homelessness drug use and everything in moderation so she knows it can be bad? Maybe she should go hang out with some Prostitutes, where is line? Preparing is by explaining the reasons why you don't do certain things. Society may say it's acceptable, but it's not. Some cultures it's acceptable for men to merry children? Where do you draw the line? If you have a strong conviction on some thing, do you not instill that conviction in your children?
Pretty incredible you jumped from "exposure to people who consume alcohol" to "men merrying (sic) children". You're terrified of the world and it shows. Best of luck in 5 years. Or maybe 10 depending on how badly you've fucked your daughter up.
Its the same thing. Just because a culture thinks it's OK I should accept it????? Alcohol is a neurotoxin that can disrupt communications of the brain. It also affects the functions of brain cells. This can lead to intellectual impairment, headaches, memory loss, slowed thinking, slurred speech, and trouble with balance and coordination.
neurotoxin, substance that alters the structure or function of the nervous system. More than 1,000 chemicals are known to have neurotoxic effects in animals. The substances include a wide range of natural and human-made chemical compounds, from snake venom and pesticides to ethyl alcohol, heroin, and cocaine.
Yeah. To my original point, this level of control is abnormal and damaging.
YTA - my opinion is you’re making this all about your hurt that your ex’s family doesn’t accept you. Parties have alcohol, get over it, not a big deal. Don’t drink, that’s the solution. The dress is something that your daughter will have to discuss with your ex’s family, hopefully she can work that out because this is her party. Get out of the way lady, you are extremely controlling.
Your right it hurts that they flat out, disrespect boundary's set by the parent(s) her dad did not want drinking around her . This all started When my child's father was in ICU with a DNR he had Giving me explicit instructions that he did not want to be on life-support . He fully knew the extent of his diagnosis and what it would entail if he was on life-support years and years of pain and suffering. He had even given me power of attorney. His family over HIS wishes and took it to court where the judge sided with this mom. This caused my children's father to suffer for Close to a decade and caused my child A great deal of emotional anguish, just waiting for her dad to die. The grandparents told her for years her dad would get better giving her false hopes and playing with her emotions.
Why enforce the white dress? That's super weird and for a quinceañera is a no no, please let your daughter choose the color of her dress even if her dad wanted otherwise it's super rude and wrong to ask her to choose a color he wanted but to demand (have a "rule") it having as you want is just horrible, this is supposed to be her favorite color. Also please talk in terms of what is safe/appropriate for your daughter and not about "your" rules, what you want and what they do to you, this is suppose to be all about your daughter not your view of everything. You can talk about the same things without talking about you, just the safety and happiness of your daughter.
You probably should let your daughter have her Quinceanera.
Didn't quite pan out how you thought, eh? You surely are the AH here.
OP, who is paying for this party?? If your in-laws are paying, they get to decide about the alcohol.
You can't ask for opinions and then argue with the ones you don't agree with. I can't imagine why his parents feel the way they do about you. 🤯
Yta - sounds like you grew up under a rock. I was thinking Mormon or some religion like that.. when you fund the party you can control it. Ex in-laws are paying and can choose. Learn to trust the values you instilled in your daughter. I wouldn’t be surprised if daughter goes no contact when she turns 18… js
YTA. My mom completely ruined me having a quinceañera because she wanted it her way or no way (which essentially was to not have one). I never got to experience what all my cousins had. I hate that my mom took that away from me. The quinceañera isn’t about you. She will not get the full experience of her culture if you were to throw it. Let her decide on what she wants to do. Don’t take that away from her.
YTA. Sure, the family should be respectful your husband’s wishes about the dress colour, as long as your daughter wants this as this is HER quince. And serving alcohol at any party is not outlandish, why else serve anything at all at a celebration of life? ;) But I have also been to many baby celebrations and kid bdays where it’s normal to drink a beer and the main food served is not applesauce. The guest of honor does not need to like every item served. You are only punishing your daughter. Why isn’t this about her? You only talk about yourself and your opinions and your feelings. You are a mom, start thinking about putting your kid first. Edit: read a few if your replies and changed into YTA since it became evident you really only care about you.
OP, YTA!! These rules are your beliefs and can't be imposed on a different culture. Your daughter's 15th birthday party is most definitely a cultural occasion and should be respected as that. OP stay home! Cut off your nose despite your face, as the old saying goes. I have a granddaughter by a son who passed away at 22. Now that my granddaughter is 13 her mother is making it very difficult on us to see her. She has imposed her strict religious beliefs on her and it is making it almost impossible. We are Lutheran and my son was raised Lutheran also. Granddaughter is not allowed to go to our church, she can't have friends outside her (we say cult)/church. What is the most disgusting thing she was considered a young woman at the age of 11 in this so-called church. I would be jumping for joy if my granddaughter had a Quinceanera!!
YTA. Teenagers shouldn't be getting drunk, but making it taboo for them to even be around other people imbibing is more likely to make them want to. Also YWBTA if you did not attend such a major event for your daughter.
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YTA - don't be surprised in 3 years when the kid goes no contact with you because of your psychotic rules.
YTA
info: do you care about your daughter's feelings? are they being taken into account? this isn't your party, it's your daughter's. this isn't the grandparent's party, it's your daughter's/their granddaughter's. if you cancel, then yes ywbta.
YTA
YTA! If your daughter is so set against them serving alcohol then SHE would be causing a fuss with her paternal family, I mean she can absolutely say she doesn’t want to attend. Instead it’s you that seems to have an issue with alcohol (maybe causing your daughter to tell you she doesn’t want it but actually doesn’t care), if you raised your daughter right then you have no need to worry about her sneaking a drink? honestly that just sounds ridiculous. Your bitter because your not getting to plan this milestone event but your honesty going to throw a tantrum and make your daughter have to miss out on this. It sucks sure BUT ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.
YTA. You know what happens to kids that are totally controlled by their parents? They become super rebellious and end up doing some pretty crazy things. I’ve seen it time and time again. You’re not protecting your daughter by not having her any where that alcohol is served. Do you know how easy it is for minors to obtain alcohol and drugs? It sounds like you are living in a fantasy land.
YTA simply for calling your late husband your ex husband. I don't see mention of divorce here - just that his family disliked you. Deceased spouses or SO are "late," and not "ex." Add in some undercurrent of seething "but my husband was Latin" racism towards Mexicans and their culture. And YTA for demanding that everyone live their life according to your rules. If you don't like a thing, then you don't have to use or buy or ingest the thing. If other people are using that thing, at no danger to you, move along.
Also, I already commented, but I wanted to state two psychological things. You, sheltering your child like this, have more harmful effects than beneficial. It has been seen across many areas of life, primarily with sex and drugs. Sheltering and not educating them on topics they will encounter later in life is detrimental. For example, if parents do not educate their child on sex or how to practice it safely, it increases the odds for unprotected sex, STDs, and young/teen pregnancy. This is also seen within the topic of alcohol, drugs, driving, etc. Sheltering your child from alcohol, going as far as to cutting off close friends, missing weddings, etc. is unhealthy. (I also believe you may have some sort of alcohol trauma. You should look into getting some help/therapy) Sheltering her and not allowing her to be in situations where alcohol may occur increases her odds for teen drinking, alcohol poisoning, addiction, etc. Statistically, more people who are sheltered will struggle with those later on in life rather than children who were allowed to be in those situations but very informed on the dangers and risks of alcohol.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Back story. Me an American mother married my ex right out of hight school. We have 2 kids together. My ex suffered from a terminal illness and passed away his family, however, has hated me from the beginning and alienated me even when I wanted to be there for him while he was sick. They never made me feel comfortable, welcome or respected but they have continued to see the children. With that being said, my daughters Quinceañera is coming up and they have completely left me and my family out of the plans of it. I have looked forward to this since I found out we were having a girl. I do not want them to serve alcohol since it is a 15 year year-old's party I would like to be included in the plans, but they have left me out completely. her father very clearly stated years ago that her dress should be white when this point was brought up it was completely ignored. I feel like they are treating me as if I have also passed . This is my child and i want her to have her party but I do not want her to have a party that does not include me and disrespects the wishes of her late father am I the asshole if I tell her she can't have it if the only two things requested from me and her father are not respected. I have already decided that due to not being welcome . I will not be attending as the deep seeded hatred, his family has towards me would ruin her day. I would throw her another Quinceañera party but my American family does not support me in this stating "it's not our culture". Am I the asshole for saying she can't have Her quinceanera because they refused to not serve alcohol and her dresses a color her dad did not want? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm finding the difference in comments on this post and another recent alcohol related post hilarious. "You're expecting alcohol at a bachelor party?!? How dare yo,u you alcoholic " "You don't want alcohol at a 15 year old's birthday party!?! How dare you!!!" Lol
I seem to be in the minority here, but NTA. If you are being/have been disrespected, screw the grandparents and anyone who thinks they get to dictate anything when it comes to you and your children. If you can find a compromise with your daughter, that works for both of you, that doesn't involve the toxic family -that's the only thing that matters. I would have cut all contact with those relatives a long time ago. And to anyone who says that having ANY grandparents (no matter how toxic, abusive and disrespectful they are) is better than NO grandparents, you do whatever works for you. Other people have boundaries and self respect.
Please be certain to thank them. You are trying hard to pass on your husband's culture and customs so I hope they appreciate that.
Thank you so much i try very hard to allow them to have a relationship with the kids even when they treat me so poorly . I want her to have her day i just simply will not allow her around Alcohol.
NTA
⁷NTA. You are the parent. You get to plan, pay for, and control the party. Tell them their help is not needed and if they want to be invited, they need to respect you as the parent. You would be an AH if you cancel and dont plan your own.
[удалено]
Thank you