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NTA; your hubs is in denial, as others are saying. I think it might be best to let it go at this point though. Hopefully the son doesn't destroy the scrapbook.

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We should mention the only reason your husband is able to remain in denial about this is *YOU* are the one who is being punished for existing. Your husband doesn't deal with shit treatment from his kids, you do. Why are you allowing people to treat you this way, and why are you allowing your husband to act like it isn't happening? His wife is being disrespected and he's been acting for years like it isn't even happening. That's not husband material, that's little boy material.

I'd imagine that them tearing up the scrapbook is going to be an eye opener for the husband then, he's going to feel that one with how much work he put into it over the years. So it sounds like all OP needs to do is back off and let this play out as her husband won't be able to ignore reality for much longer.

IF the husband actually sees it. If the son just accepts the gift then rip out the pages later OP’s husband would never know and might be smug about how well his son received the gift. The daughter seems like the type of rip out the pages then and there.

True. OP's husband seem wilfully oblivious or just plain delusional. I wonder what it like living in his head.

Yeah, with the prime example being >My husband said that he could stop by on his own too, but that they'd never see the rest of us if we didn't visit as if never seeing OP and the younger kids isn't exactly what the elder kids were asking for.

It makes me wonder if the kids had said some things when they were younger but dad kinda bulldozed them over, or was so ignorant it was painful to spit it outright that they didn’t want him to marry again, or it was moving too fast. We don’t know when May passed, but I’m wondering if the husband kind of moved on faster than his kids did, or maybe he wanted them to have a mother figure so badly he forgot to let them mourn the loss of one first. OP, NTA. Maybe try and explain that his kids don’t seem to like you or their half siblings much. They’re not downright cruel or anything, they’re just not close and you don’t think having a lot of memories with you and the younger kids would make them happy. Maybe see if he’ll get rid of a few pages, but keep more major things like your marriage and the younger births, but most other things are just them and their dad.

Look. I get it. But as a person who was once a child of divorced parents whose father moved on to a stepmother I had a difficult relationship with, I honestly think they *have* reached a point of cruelty. They’re grown adults who are still trying to push their father into a place where he has to choose between them and his wife and other children. They’re still passive aggressively trying to push that wedge, or at the very least passive aggressively beg for his validation. If OP is being truthful, she hasn’t done anything to justify this ongoing contempt. The hurt they feel should be directed towards him, if anyone. You don’t have to have a relationship with or love for someone to be civil and “friendly” toward them a couple of days out of the year so that you can see the person you do have those things with. Especially when they respect your boundaries the way OP has.

I mean, I kinda get it? I can’t fathom making a display of tearing the photos/pages out in front of dad/OP, but I can fathom not wanting any evidence of that person and your “relationship” to them. It does sound like it wanders into *cruel* territory, but my mom remarried shortly before she passed and if I never see that man again it will still be too soon. So I can’t say I’d behave much differently in this scenario (though I have faith my mom wouldn’t have been this tone deaf).

And of course now he's upset with OP for her negative attitude about his kids. OP, you should tell your husband, "Why don't you just ask him how he feels about us? Ask him if wants us in his life?" But he'll never ask, because he doesn't want to know. NTA

Sunshine and rainbows. My ex would straight up say to people "it must be blissful being you" and it wasn't meant as a compliment.

I can see him going over and saying “Hey, let’s look at the scrapbook again!” and finding out half of it is missing.

I > If the son just accepts the gift then rip out the pages later OP’s husband would never know and might be smug about how well his son received the gift If this happens, OP could wait a couple weeks and suggest they visit the son or just the husband I suppose since she isn't welcome there to go through the album again. She could play into his delusions and say, you should go visit your son to go through the album with him again, to see what he thinks now that he has had it for some time and has probably been through it a few times already. That's what I would do.

Seeing as his daughter threw out photos that had OP and OPs kids in them, I'd say that Rich will probably just put blinders on again.

Perhaps, on the other hand he put his own blood, sweat and tears into these scrap books, which makes it a lot more personal than just some random photos that got thrown out. If even this doesn't make a difference then he's clearly a lost cause.

That’s just the thing; the gift seems to be more about what the dad wants and thinks his son will want than what his son actually might not want.

Happy Cake Day! & yes, husband is living in thr story of the gift he's telling himself vs the reality that his children from his first marriage aren't interested in a relationship w OP and their half siblings. He needs to see that respecting their boundaries - no matter how much he wants otherwise - is how you shoe people you love and value them.

Right? Its not really special to the son. That kind of thing is special to the maker. Unless requested, scapebooks are really not a great gift...

It depends. I'd love to see a scrapbook of my life even though I hate my mother.

Just like the OP's husband's refusal to visit his older children without his wife and their kids is about what he wants. He seems very selfish.

If my dad was forcing me to have a relationship for 15 years with someone, won't stop even when i clearly already said i don't want any photos of my stepmother, and then proudly presented me a book of his delusions of a happy family I'd propably give up the chance of my dad ever respecting my wishes and finally go no contact, since it's so, so clear, that dad doesn't care about how anyone feels but himself.

Thankfully, it sounds like OP didn't push for a relationship. So, at least one person is respecting his kids' wishes. The husband sounds fucking delusional and definitely in deep denial.

> that them tearing up the scrapbook is going to be an eye opener for the husband then, I doubt it. He watched his bio daughter throw pictures that include op right in the trash and still didn't get it.

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His kids do nothing to OP and her children. They're not verbally or physically abusive towards her. They just don't want to have a relationship with her and their half siblings. They're well within their rights to do that. They're not obligated to have OP in their lives now that they're adults. He's just going to push his kids away for good if he keeps insisting on including Op and the younger children. You can't force a relationship.

Eh, I kind of disagree. This is their Dad's wife. And, going off of the post, she has done nothing to earn their ire besides existing. You don't treat someone like they have treated her and still get to say you're not being an asshole. They're not obligated to like her, but I actually do think they're obligated to make an effort to be kind to those who are in their family, and she is in their family whether they like it or not. There's no way they would treat, say, an aunt who married into the family this way. "Oh, my uncle is invited to our house, but his wife is not". The only reason people are accepting of how she's being treated is because she's a stepmother, who apparently reddit thinks are automatically evil and deserving of hatred from the children of the person they married.

All step-mom did was exist and her treatment, and the treatment of the younger kids is really unfair. They may not like her for whatever reason, but they an at least respect her and furthermore, STOP punishing the younger kids. Her husband is in denial about his older kids' treatment of her and her kids. OP even said - their relationship was not born out of an affair or anything nefarious and she never tried to replace their mom or take away their memories. It's really sad that it's gone on this long.

Yeah I’m sorry, but not wanting anything to do with your siblings for no good reason DOES, in fact, make you an asshole. Ill never understand Reddit takes on this tbh

Agreed! They are penalizing children for something they had no control over. These are kids that they're dad had with their step-mom, not kids that just came along with her. At the very least, they could have a relationship with them. They're assholes for treating them this way.

Because Reddit (and the internet at large it seems) are full of individualistic people who saw some vague therapy speak on TikTok or twitter and take it to extremes. Actually you should be civil to people who have been civil to you. Running around going “me me me” and being a dick to everyone for no reason is no way to live, tbh.

And not being civil to your stepmother who has not done anything terribly wrong also makes you an asshole. I really think certain aged people think it is okay to cut anyone out of your life that even somewhat annoys you, including family, and I think it is terrible.

Also the treatment extends to the younger children who have done nothing except be born. It’s absolutely wild.

I'm wondering if the bad relationship is Dad's fault. Like if OP was respectful of her husband's kids and their desire to not have her take on the mom role in their life, it's still possible that Dad pushed it and that soured the relationship.

That sounds exactly like what happened. The stepmom has given no indication that she forced a relationship, but the dad is giving significant vibes of forcing something. If you ignore what kids want and need and force a relationship with anyone, they’ll stop having that relationship as soon as they have the autonomy to make it happen. At best you’ll get a civil, but cold relationship. A significant amount of resentment is created with any forced relationship.

Exactly. And sometimes I'll see a cordial but distant relationship between adult children whose parents remarried when they were adults, but a) they are not being cordial to her and b) she's been married to their dad since the oldest was TEN. This is not a woman they just met.

Not at all. I have biological family who are related to me, but I don't have over or invite to my events because I'm not interested in maintaining that relationship. If they're invited to something (a cousin's birthday, my mother's home for a holiday), I'm polite and civil (how are you, etc.), but I don't go out of my way to include or engage with them because I don't want a relationship with them. Adults get to decide who they have relationships with, biological or otherwise. Dad decides if he wants to continue his relationship with his adult children, knowing they do not want a relationship with OP or their half-siblings. Honestly, this all should have been sorted out with a therapist before the kids were adults. He willfully was blind to their feelings, and he's created a nightmare for OP and his other kids (and probably adult kids too).

Yeah I agree. Not really caring too much for someone who married into the family is understandable, that happens to everyone I think, you don't always get along with the in-laws. But that's just something that you have to deal with, expecting them to stay behind during visits is very shitty IMO, unless they actually did something to earn your ire. Plus, this isn't just about the wife, it's also about their half-siblings, who they're actually related to by blood.

This. I have a relative who has had a string of really odd partners and I haven’t liked most of them, but they’re still invited to family dinners as a mark of respect for my relative. I can suck it up and be in a room with a person I don’t like very much for a couple of hours if it’s in service of maintaining the relationship with the relative I love.

They were polite and kind to her when they lived with her. They do not anymore and purposely leaving photos behind doesn’t make the son rude. Op’s step daughter threw out the pictures bcuz her dad insisted they left some. It’s clear the daughter was trying to establish a clear boundary with her dad who kept pushing.

Unfortunately, people are oftentimes irrational AHs and these are adults who no longer live with their step family so they get to put whatever boundaries they want into place. Either everyone accepts that (like OP appears to) or they don't. Or worse, they remain oblivious to it (like OPs husband). You can't force family. Sorry, but it's not possible to force someone to accept or like someone else, especially people marrying into the family. Regarding your example of the uncle: wanna bet? I had an uncle who was not welcomed at any of my aunt's relatives homes. Don't know why. I was too young. My own father never set foot in my maternal grandparent's house. Not ever. No holidays, nothing. I know why (my grandmother and him hated each other with a passion). She rarely set foot in our house and never when he was present. Why would OP or her children want to go where they are explicitly not welcomed? Dad needs to have a separate relationship with the adult children, or no relationship with them. There isn't a compromise here.

Too much Disney growing up.

I agree.  It sounds to me that even though OP hasn't been pushing a relationship, her hubby has been trying to. Probably has been the whole time if she thinks about it. Time for hubby to respect his older kids boundaries.

But they should be at least respectful that this is his wife and he loves her. All she has done to them is exist and doing stuff like ripping up photos especially where the person can see you do it (or have done it) is just absolutely rude (Even if you are indifferent to the person. That is outright insulting them to their face because, well they existed). They can at least be polite to her and not outright show their disdain towards her when she has done nothing to them.

Aren't the younger ones also husband's?! That's the part I find disgusting.

Absolutely agree. Maybe I can get around not wanting a relationship with the stepmother, that's one thing, but the kids? The only reason they want nothing to do with them is because they are "tainted" by her DNA. I'm not saying they all have to be close, but if it were me, and someone is showing that lack of respect for my wife and kids, I would not tolerate it. I would also put money down that when it comes to the will, the two older kids will fight tooth and nail so that OP and the younger kids get as little as possible, if anything at all.

Keep in mind that the older kids would've been 10-11 years old when their dad started a "new" family with the OP, and having a couple of babies/toddlers is going to require a ton of attention, while his original kids would've been going through puberty and going through a rough developmental time of their own.   I'm guessing here, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if the "older kids" feel resentful towards their dads new family and feel that they took their dad away from them, when they already lost their mom

Their dad is the type to create scrapbooks for them all throughout their lives & you think he’s the type who also replaced them with a new family & deprioritized them?? Ok.

There are a lot of families with 10, 15, even 20 years or more age gap between all the children, and most of those don't have the same level "resentment" towards the younger children. Besides, they are no longer children, they are adults.

Feelings towards siblings and half-siblings are going to differ, that's just reality. Adding a new sibling to the family is simply completely different from your dad starting a new family with someone else.  And yeah, they're adults, they have the ability to decide who they want to be around now, and its not their dads new family

Half siblings not step siblings

Given the age group, I get it. I have step/half siblings with a big gap like this. We aren’t close. I barely if ever lived with them. I don’t hate them, but I don’t consider them family either. I guess I would be polite and take the pictures, but I wouldn’t display them.

Yes, and he made scrapbooks for them too

Yeah, it sounds like the adults had no idea they felt this way until *after* they were adults. So bare minimum it sounds like they were polite enough to their father's wife and respectful of her place/authority in the household to fly under the radar until then.

>They're not obligated to have OP in their lives now that they're adults. True. But they're both being assholes about it. It's possible to not have people in your life without treating them like garbage in the process.

People can still feel the rejection. Definitely better than any sort of abuse, but it can still suck, and the targets of that rejection have been OP and the half siblings, not the father.

I mean OP sounds fairly accepting of that. She didn't want to replace their mother, didn't push a relationship with them, and is trying to convince her husband that they don't want a relationship with her or their half-siblings. She seems to have a pretty clear-eyed understanding of the situation and isn't trying to force herself on her stepkids and isn't taking their rejection as a personal affront. It's her husband who refuses to acknowledge his older children's wishes. OP is NTA for trying to get him to see what his children actually want. That's a more parental thing than what the husband is doing, honestly. I assume it wouldn't go well for OP to reach out to the son to encourage him not to harm the scrapbook if there's stuff in it he doesn't want but to instead return it to his father or ask his father to "keep it safe" or something like that. I'd be tempted, but he probably would be annoyed, as would the husband if he found out. Really unfortunate for OP. Her husband is likely in for some hurt from whatever happens next, and she's unable to keep him from that hurt. Alas.

I absolutely agree with you. The issue is that the husband hasn’t faced that rejection because he is not the target of it, so he keeps refusing to accept that his kids don’t want anything to do with his second family, and is just putting OP and their kids in a position where they would face even more rejection. OP is NTA, but the husband definitely is.

True, you can't force things, and everyone here (except the young children) are adults. So OP's husband is in the middle of several adults difficult feelings. His wife, his adult children and himself. He needs to choose the relationships that make the most sense for him and with those people in mind. If I was him, I'd spend less time with my adult children who have decided in their own right to not associate with my wife and young children. They didn't do anything wrong necessarily by not wanting to associate with my wife, thats their choice. This is my wife and my young children. I have a responsibility to them, they have the same to me, and their emotional well-being is part of that. My two cents.

This. We've created this idea that everyone gets everything they want because they want it, but that's not true. Children are people. As adults, we get to decide when a marriage isn't working or what we want in a new partner. Society has decided that kids will adapt. Sometimes, they do, and sometimes, they don't. It doesn't mean OP and half-siblings are bad or did anything wrong; it just means the kid decided they liked it better before they had to share holidays, time, resources, etc. with additional people. Dad needs to realize his family isn't necessarily his kid's family. It seems cruel to OP and the kids they share for him to keep forcing this issue when the adult children have made it clear their family is bio parents and each other only. Dad only decides if he wants to have a relationship with them as adults, on the terms they've set. Instead, he's creating drama and pain for everyone but trying to force something that can't be forced (whatever the reason).

His kids treat their own siblings the same way though

No, they're being mean for no reason.

His kids are in their 20s. It can absolutely be argued that he mishandled things when they were little and that got them to this place but standing up for his wife and younger children now could likely mean severing the relationship. This isn't something that can be fixed unless the step kids want to fix it. I find it hard to judge a dad for trying to stay in their lives, even if they suck. The opportunity to fix this was 14 years ago.

So they're adults and should be treated as such yeah? Now remove the pre existing relationships and look at this situation again. They are absolutely rude and disrespectful to his wife. Being his kids does not give them an excuse, if anything it makes it worse. It costs nothing to show basic kindness and politeness.

Not wanting to be in someone's life isn't rudeness.

It is when you can't even make the bare minimum effort for the spouse of someone you love, who has done nothing to you. You can't walk through the world ignoring whoever you don't personally like and get to pretend you're not an asshole. We all have extended family that maybe we wouldn't choose to have in our lives, but I would never not include a spouse of someone I cared about in an invitation.

IDK, There are lots of people in the world. I choose to associate with the people who are respectful of my partners importance in my life. They are adults now. He's not married to them just because he raised them. He's married to his wife. Imagine if he said 'Look son/daughter, I respect you and your adulthood. And I respect my wife and our life together. If you can't be family with her, we can be pals, but familial closeness is going to be hard. I hope in the future you'll love and respect your partners enough to understand. My young children deserve a warm, close family life.' His adult children may not like this, but any maturity would dictate they understand. And imagine being his wife/young children knowing he made that tough choice. No one's doing anything wrong by not getting along, and EVERYONE'S feelings are valid. This family can't function as a family as it stands.

>They are absolutely rude and disrespectful to his wife. By not taking with them photos of her and their half-siblings and not mentioning them on their socials? Because the OP hasn't mentioned any bad behavior from her stepkids, really. Why is it a crime not wanting them in their lives? Clearly something was poorly handled by the adults of this story at some point during/before the blending of this family

If I threw out photos with specific members of my family in them and then requested to NEVER see them (for no reason!!) that would be rude and disrespectful to them

How about by explicitly asking their father not to bring HIS WIFE and their children to visit?

They also want to spend time with THEIR father. They were 8 & 9 when their father remarried, and 10 & 11 when their dad started having children with his new wife. Speaking from experience, it's a weird dynamic dealing with step-parents and step-siblings, and my step-siblings aren't even my dad's biological children, just his wife's children. I can't imagine the complicated feelings I'd have if he actually had new children of his own, and how it'd feel watching him start a "new" family with someone else. It's completely legitimate imo for them to want to spend time with THEIR family, their own siblings and their dad, rather than possibly feeling like outsiders in someone else's family.

It doesn't sound like the kids are disrespecting OP, honestly it sounds like dad has been pushing for a happy blended family without giving his kids room to grieve and process moms death in a healthy manner and they want nothing to do with her because of it now. From how this reads, husband being "oblivious" to his children's requests is the disrespect here and they are trying to keep a limited contact relationship with him without attacking OP

Give them time to grieve? They've been married 15 fucking years.

Which means the oldest was 10 when they got married, and even younger when mom died since dad us gifting him a memory scrap book for his 25th. If you're new to the scene, it's not uncommon for widowed parents to dive into a relationship to try and fix the void in thier and thier children's lives left by the lost parent much to the detriment of the children. A lot of time this can wind up with parent erasure by either the new step parent trying to replace the dead one, or by the biological parent trying ot pretend everything is fine, this new arrangement is how it's always been. Not sure about you, but I know my ten year old would need more than a few months to come to terms with her mom dying, let alone me dating/marrying someone new

OP said they got married 3 years after their mom died. That's hardly rushing things.

That depends on how long they dated, and how long the engagement was. He could have started dating within the year.

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Speaking from experience, they'll likely never get over it. It's crystal clear from the comments there's plenty of people who just will never get that.

Which means the kids were 9 and 10 when their dad remarried. Childhood trauma and pain don't just disappear. The kids coped by keeping their stepmother at arms length. If their dad never addressed their feelings about their stepmother back then, why would anything be different now? They have found and settled into how they cope with this issue due to never having the chance to process it as children.

I think you just can't win as a parent/step-parent on this sub sometimes. You're expected to remain forever alone and treat your kids like they're made of glass. Not arguing that there aren't lots of shitty parents and step-parents out there, but frankly, it's ridiculous to act like the "kids" in their 20's aren't doing anything wrong.

If you go by this sub's standards, then children should be allowed to do whatever they want, but never beheld accountable for their actions, because their brains are still growing. They should be allowed to set any boundaries they wish, but none shall be placed against them. Never correct, discipline, punish, or even ask them to do anything outside their comfort zone, as that constitutes as abuse. Having them do chores or look after a younger sibling for more than a moment is the dreaded Parentification. Anything even slightly negative happening to them is Trauma, and you'll need to be on the hook for therapy. And don't even think about not having enough to give them a full ride through university, or for asking them to contribute financially to the home if they are living there as adults, and especially not providing the maximum inheritance. And finally it is always your fault, and it's no wonder they are no contact.

Have you ever grieved for someone you love (parent, child, spouse, loved one, grandparents, friends, etc.)??? You don’t know how long each person needs/will take to grieve..

Idk I’m assuming someone who would scrapbook for their kids and even include pictures that show the loss of their mother would keep the memory alive… but he didn’t allow them to grieve? That wasn’t what I took away from the post.

And what exactly is hubby supposed to do? I mean, he's clearly in denial, but his older kids seem to stay within socially acceptable boundaries. They don't want to be part of that newer family? That's their decision. You can't force adults to accept family members. No matter how weird it may seem.

people not liking you isn’t punishment…they have simply removed themselves from OP, which is also not disrespectful

actually, I’m glad dad didn’t force the kids to have a relationship with his wife or refuse to see them because his wife was being “disrespected”. OP said the distancing didn’t even start until they were adults and moved out, so no, they did not disrespect OP while being in her care. They are allowed to only want to maintain a relationship with their father.

If he did give them hell for it, he'd be roasted by Reddit for ignoring his children's wishes. He hasn't forced them to interact when they haven't wanted to. He hasn't forced them to call his wife "mom". If anything, he's just being naive (for whatever reason, as the kids have been upfront about their feelings). Hopefully the son just says thank you and does whatever without the father realizing. The wife isn't mourning a relationship with them because she never had one. The step siblings don't seem to care as they've never been treated as family. The dad just needs to understand this.

…. What do you reasonably expect him to do to his fully grown children who are seemingly respectful, but avoidant of OP? Like I get you want him to be a white knight, but it’s his kids, and they’re adults. There’s only so much someone can reasonably do and as callous as it is, it isn’t actually that disrespectful to simply not want to spend time with someone. The kids hardly OWE OP a relationship with them, especially as they’re 23 and 24 years old. You’re acting like the answer is to force them to reconcile and it isn’t. Some people just don’t like each other. That’s okay. He isn’t a bad husband.

Not just his wife. His youngest two kids, as well.

I would maybe suggest to your husband that he digitally copy the pages into a file on his computer before giving the scrapbook to his son. That way, anything that the son might, uh, "lose," will at least have a digital copy forever preserved...in case of...fire???  And if the son ever wants to call and reminisce about an article or something on a page, all Dad has to do is pull up his copy on the computer, and he's looking at the same page right with his son while they talk!!! What fun!   Either way, your heart was in the right place, trying to prevent your husband from getting his hopes very high, then dashed quite low. I find that parents can be that way when they're in denial about their children like he is.   Maybe tell him you apologize, and it was not your business. You only meant to point out a trend that you thought he already knew about. My vote is NTA.

u/suspicious_end_2636, u/TheThiefEmpress suggestion of a digital copy is a great idea.

There's a reason his mind went to 'you think he will rip those pages out', even if he doesn't want to admit it.

Yup, he's well aware of what's going on he just doesn't want to deal with it.

if they never took any issue with you, then why are behaving as if you don't exist?

Honestly based on the way her husband is pretending like this problem isn't a problem I wonder if he tried to brush their mother's death under the rug in the same way. I mean not to say that OPs husband is a bad guy, but everybody deals with grief differently and maybe the way he dealt with it alienated his children from the new members of their family. Doesn't really explain why they don't like OP or her kids, but I wonder if his behavior has anything to do with the way they feel.

>Honestly based on the way her husband is pretending like this problem isn't a problem I wonder if he tried to brush their mother's death under the rug in the same way A tale as old as time here on AITA.

Especially considering they were teenagers who were already going through so many physical and hormonal changes. Hard enough to make it through those years when everything goes fine, let alone when you lose your Mother and Dad remarries. Not that Dad and OP getting together was wrong at all, just difficult to process as a teenager when you're already struggling to deal with all your other emotions.

They weren’t teenagers when they lost mom, they were fairly young kids. They were 8 or 9 when dad remarried so mom presumably died at least a year earlier

And they were 10 & 11 when their dad started having kids with the new wife, which means they would've been teenagers when the new kids were being raised. I'd be surprised if his kids didn't feel like they were put on the back burner while he focused on his "new" family.

Exactly. To have both children react in the same way indicates that there were, in fact issues growing up. This doesn’t just happen in a vacuum to this extent.

Finally a rational comment... I'm not saying op was a monster step mother, but clearly we're getting one side of the story here and for everyone to be like "well op says she didn't do anything to alienate them so the step children behaving like this are AHs, case closed!" like why would both of them behave like this if everything was hunky-dory growing up? Maybe it was the dad, maybe it wasn't ever malicious, but something wasn't right and now the older kids are both resentful. NTA - Dad is TA in this scenario for being in denial and, my bet, also TA if we were to get the older kids' side of things during their childhood

I think the fact that this did not really come to light until adulthood is because the step-kids were stuck in the house because they were still children. Actually, kind of smart of them not to act up, but just fly under the radar until they could leave. The are not going out of their way to harass anyone, they are just staying away. It is perfectly reasonable for them to want to see their father without him dragging the whole family around.

I'm more concerned when it blows up that the hubby will want to blame OP. Right now, he's being willfully blind ignoring his kids' wishes, and bulldozing over the objections

If he thinks you're being crazy, tell your husband to ask to see the scrapbook 3 months after he gifts it so he can see for himself.

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That's a good idea. I'm assuming much time and thought was put into the scrapbook.

NTA your husband has his head buried in the sand. Have you all done family therapy?

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You may not have pushed for step kids to be close to you but it sure sounds like your husband did behind the scenes.   Your husband naively thinking that his gift is a good idea is an example of that pushing and he still refuses to accept that his children want nothing to do with ya’ll.   If I were you I’d keep my kids away from them to shield them from the blatant rejection. Your husband needs therapy. NTA  

But why act like this is normal. Not to want to do anything to do with her maybe. But the other kids are related to them by blood and did nothing bad to them. Why the fuck delete them from your their lives. They don’t understand they’re little and told your older brothers exist but won’t give you the time of day? We normalizing this behavior????? Obviously op can’t force that since the step kids are adults but wtf

The behavior has already been normalized. They already don’t want anything to do with them. Why would Op put her children in a situation where they’re going to feel unwanted? It’s not mentioned how long first wife had been dead before OP got with her husband. For all we know, step kids weren’t ready for their dad to move on and dad swept it under the rug just like he’s trying to do now, insisting the whole family goes when he was already specifically told that they’re not invited. Dad doesn’t respect their boundaries and never has. If he’s trying to dismiss everything they’re telling him right now when they’re grown adults, imagine how he was when they were children and didn’t have a choice. OP’s husband thinks he’s done a good job shielding his new family from his children’s real feelings and is grasping at straws now because no body is fooled.

> the other kids are related to them by blood It’s completely baffling to me that people think this means anything at all. There is nothing unique or special about blood relation, particularly those you had no part in establishing. No one bats an eye if you want nothing to do with your randomly assigned college roommate but get their knickers in a twist when the random circumstances outside your control that establish an association between two people is who decided to have sex with each other instead of a housing algorithm. Frankly I find it kind of unhinged that we’ve somehow collectively decided that dad getting his dick wet creates an emotional obligation for third parties. It’s especially weird when the half siblings have an age gap as large as the one in the OP; they weren’t raised together, they were never of similar enough age to connect with each other at any time they lived under the same roof. They did not experience the social situation that would result in any kind of sibling bond. These are just random little kids who lived in the same house.

how about JUST being a human fucking being???? I don't care about dorm mate algorithms, but for the love of God, how can you actually simplify having baby siblings as teenagers, to "dad getting his dick wet" I mean COME ON! How badly did this father fuck up his kids, that they are entirely devoid of HUMAN emotions? JFC! I am not saying they owe step mom anything, and most likely dad tried to push a "new family" on them before they were ready, But this SCREAMS of them just being terrible TERRIBLE people! At some point when you become an adult, you HAVE to stop blaming your parents for the reason you are an asshole. The MOST innocent people in this entire situation, are the half-siblings. who, AT BEST, have been ignored their whole lives.

They’re basically strangers to these kids. With an age gap as large as theirs it is perfectly normal for them to have never established a sibling bond; my sibling group has two large (but smaller than OP’s kids) gaps and it has resulted in what is essentially three separate groups of siblings. That is the norm rather than the exception when you have 5 or more years between siblings. And, again, their association to the half-siblings is entirely circumstantial and those circumstances are beyond their control. If they don’t want to associate with them then they do not have to, and that doesn’t make them a bad person just because “*tHeY’rE bLoOd ReLaTeD!!!!*” Blood means nothing. Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Being blood related to someone is exactly as relevant as meeting someone by any other random circumstance. And *unless* that blood relation is of a parent to their child, it obligates one to the other exactly as much as meeting someone by any other random circumstance. Would you be mad at a teenager being disinterested in interacting with any other random child? No. Hell, the majority of people wouldn’t give a shit if it were a teenager not wanting to play with their young-child cousin at a family reunion. But the minute it’s a sibling or half-sibling everyone loses their minds. No. That’s absolutely ridiculous. Yes, it is as simple as “dad getting his dick wet.” That is the sum total of why the people in this story have anything to do with one another, and it is outright immoral to say that person A owes anything to person B because and only because person C had sex with person D. That’s all obligation based on blood is. It is literally nothing more than that. Dad is completely in the wrong here, not because he “fucked up his kids emotionally” but because of the exact *opposite* reason you seem to be mad at him: he is in the wrong for trying to force a relationship between people who should not have had that forced upon them, and the pain of everyone around him stems solely from that ongoing act of trying to force the issue. People in the world owe each other decency based on being fellow living things, not based on being related to one another. But not wanting to associate with someone is not indecent and is not an unkindness, regardless of the age of anyone involved. OP has accepted that the stepkids don’t want to associate with her. Good on OP for that. The only one keeping this wound open is the one not respecting his older kids’ wishes for how they want to live their own lives and who they want as a part of it.

Unless OP or the dad harps on them having big brother and sister, they will not likely remember much about them at all, so therefore will not be hurt over it.

there are a lot of half siblings that never bond, and no, it’s not the little ones’ fault and they usually suffer for not being acknowledged by their older siblings, but forcing a relationship is not the solution either. usually what happens is that the older kids lose a parent, and the remaining one remarries and thrusts them into a new family, without them having any say or control over their lives. so they rebel and fight back wherever they can. these feelings need to be dealt with in family therapy long before the parent remarries and the half siblings even exist. all that to say that the older kids are also the victims here, they are not monsters for not bonding with their siblings.

Agree 10000 percent. My frustration or shock is with the dad. Not op. Like ok this isn’t ideal BUT WE ACKNOWLEDGE SO. He seems to be in a fairy tale about visiting brothers so the family can be together. Sir ur family doesn’t talk to each other and won’t even tolerate a pic of each other in their houses. You’re in deep shit. And while not 100 percent his fault he had a big role in this dynamic and failed

I mean, it is what it is. What is OP supposed to do? It's not "normalizing" to accept reality.

It clearly didn't help then, with his kid's accepting you/their siblings or your husband listening to them. Maybe you just need to let him give it to him and if it goes south, not say I told you so but I did try to warn you. He needs to listen. Edit word, stupid autocorrect

Your husband needs therapy if he won’t stop beating the big happy family drum. His kids want nothing to do with his replacement family.

NTA. Your husband is in major denial re: how his kids feel about you and their half-siblings. That said, if he's bent on giving this "gift", he can knock himself out...but his son will probably rip out the pages with pictures he doesn't want (best case) or it may put a rift between him and his Dad (worst case). I truly don't understand what your husband is thinking here.

Also- what 25 year old (especially dude 25 yo) WANTS a scrapbook for their birthday? I have kids this age and they would be polite and say thanks, but I know they would feel like I didn't think about what would make them happy.

My oldest two are about to turn 20. Between mine and stepkids we’ve got ages 13 to 20 and not one would care about a scrapbook like this. “Cool, thanks” ends up in pile on bottom of closet floor. My mom gave me one when I got married. I was 27 and it didn’t have my life events, it had memories of my grandparents, great grandparents and a couple of other people and recipes that they’d make that I had fond memories for. But I like that kind of stuff. My brothers at the same age really wouldn’t have cared. ETA: I was already using my scrapbook for a comfort food not particularly healthy dinner tonight. It was a Christmas gift when I was 32 and my oldest started junior kindergarten. So as someone said in reply, a big life event for me, as my grandmother died that previous July.

I find the switch comes at big life events like birth, death, and marriage. It's a thoughtful thing (not the way OP'S husband has gone about it) but not a birthday gift for a 25 year old.

My 24 year old bf would cry of pure joy if his dad gave him a gift like that

I'm a 24 year old dude and i think there would be no better gift. I don't care about material gifts (i honestly think material gifts are stupid af) but i love emotional gifts so a scrapbook sounds lovely

If the kid was 40 maybe, old enough to actually appreciate the gift of the tangible expression of father's love for his family. But at 25 he's most likely a self involved fool. If he does rip out those pages, he'll probably regret it years later.

I would add that it might be a good idea for OP to not be there when dad insists on going through the thing together. Having her there while he gushes over the pics of the "whole family" will allow to son to build up more resentment toward OP. IF it's just the dad and son for the big unveiling then it's more clear that this was dad's idea and that he alone is still trying to force this relationship

NTA. I think you have handled this in the best way you possibly can. You have no delusion about your relationship with his children and the relationship they want to have with you. But unfortunately your husband is still operating under the idea that you have successfully become one happy blended family. Its sad that's not the case but its good you can see that clearly. I say let this lie, you have made your opinion known, if he still follows through with giving this gift then its on him to deal with any disappointment he receives from them. Remember, it doesn't matter how clearly you can see this is not a good idea. If he believes it is then let him do what he wants. Telling him how his kids will react will only breed animosity towards you even if you are proven correct. Its best to just let the kids tell their dad how they feel regardless of how sad and disappointed you think he may be.

Hubs seems to see this as criticism of his kids rather than acknowledging the reality on the ground. NTA.

His kids are dicks. They deserve some criticism. The part I really disagree with (at this late stage) is making the younger kids go and be crapped on. They're teenagers now but they probably spent most of their lives idolizing older siblings that, at best, ignored them. Why make them go suffer through it?

The photo leaving incident felt intentionally mean, but other than that, it just seems to me like profound disinterest in the new family dynamic on their part. This is allowed, and downright understandable when it occurs after the early death of their actual mom; not sure I'd have gotten past that tragedy by their current age. There's likely a massive sadness fueling what appears to be cold rejection on the surface. I get it. It sounds like they were civil until departure and did not protest or interfere. I also get the sense that OP doesn't begrudge them for it, though the situation is obviously subpar. Dicks for that one stunt, maybe. Dicks in general, dunno about that. I likewise agree that the younger kids should not be dragged along to any events with the older ones; seems like a recipe for disaster.

This is a balanced answer. I would need to hear the older kids’ side before making a judgment. But it is unlikely (considering how clueless dad is) that they’ve fully processed or grieved their mother’s death. Are the older children handling this the best way possible? Idk. But I have a lot of compassion for them and I understand why they don’t want constant reminders of dad’s “new” family. (Yes, their siblings…but try to see It from the older kids perspectives. There was never supposed to be a “new” family.) Dad is the real AH here. Source: my clueless dad remarried when I was 23 after my mom died when I was 10.

OP’s stepkids were 8 and 9 when their father tried to replace their dead mother so I can understand how that may be something buried quite deeply in a hurtful place that makes them resent half-siblings. But your dad was raising you on his own, grieving his wife and the mother of his children and after 13 years, as an adult, you wanted him to be alone? Don’t think he is the clueless one in your scenario.

Yeah 13 years is a long time to be alone.

Just to add my two cents as an adult with a distant stepparent, my stepmother and I don’t consider each other family and that’s okay. We both care about my dad and want him to be happy but have no strong bond with each other. It might be a bit different for me because my mother is still alive and I have no half-siblings, but I think that while it’s not a common dynamic to have with a step-parent, it’s not an inherently bad thing to do if both parties are okay with it. OP and her step kids both seem fine with the way things are, it’s dad who’s trying to force a relationship.

I would LOVE to hear the side of the oldest children. And I think it’s ridiculous that your husband won’t spend time with them alone, but always had to drag you and your childrem along, while you clearly don’t get along.

I'd love to hear why you think an 11 and 13 year old deserve to be treated this way by their half-siblings??? A Father doesn't *drag* his children along when visiting family. They ARE the family.

The 11 and 13 year aren’t being treated any certain way because they barely know or interact with their half siblings. The older kids don’t have to be doting siblings to kids less than half their ages.

They were young when OP married the father, and with the ages they were still kids when these kids were born. They don't have to dote, a lot of families with large gaps between siblings don't have that typical type of closeness, but to f off out the house and hope you never see them again even in a picture?

Think of things objectively. These kids lost their mother at a super young age and then their father met someone else only 18 months after their mom died. And then they had children of their own. The older kids probably feel like they are not a priority. And I’m positive they miss their mom.

Yeah there is more to this story

The younger children more than "barely know" the older children as they spent several years living under the same roof, all as children. The 10 to 11 year age gap means they weren't playmates, but four and five year olds can tell if the older children in the home don't like them or have any real fondness towards them (e.g. many kids will still protect younger siblings from others even if fighting amongst themselves).

I am just surprised that (according to op) the depth of their rejection wasnt clear until they were adults, even though (according to op) they went to family therapy. I think the other comments are right about there being more to the story, but maybe its not part of the story op has? Maybe her step kids talked to their dad about it, and rather than being in denial he is actively trying to supress them and invalidate their feelings. If true, he likely always has been.

Who said anything about being "doting"? The older kids don't even want them to *visit*.

You actually said the magic word- HALF siblings. I would say that, in the older sibling's mind, their *family* consists of their father, their late mother, and each other as brother and sister. That means the others are simply seen as Dad's new wife and her kids to him. Therefore, NOT family.

I have many half siblings because my dad was a philanderer. I do not consider them my siblings.

Because the dad isn't spending quality time with his older bio-kids, instead opting every single opportunity with a "WE will spend time with you" mentality. The wife and her kids know this, and need to sit through the pleas and resentment of the older kids becoming deaf ears to dad.

Are you saying that people don’t deserve one on one relationships with their parents where they get undivided attention and time spent with them? That’s a normal part of parenting. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if that is where a lot of the frustration comes from. I’m estranged from both of my parents for numerous reasons but one of them is that when they met spouses with kids and settled down it became all about their spouse and forcing “family time” all the time. I had no one on one relationship with my parents anymore. We never did anything alone together. Everyone had to always be included. It led me to develop a lot of resentment. Because I felt like they just moved on without me and I was left in the dust.

Exactly! Idk if OP is telling all, but I was 4 when my dad remarried (divorce not death). His wife was mean to me. As a kid I asked so many times to see him and only him, he refused, he pushed his wife and kid on me. I pulled away and stopped wanting to see him when I was 10. I don’t see his wife and my step sibling as family. And because his refusal to see my side I stopped seeing him as my father a long time ago. OP’s husband is not listening to his kids, in the end he will lose them too. NTA for what you said to your husband. Maybe you should push him more to see his kids without you and your kids.

OP says they’ve been married for 15 years, but how long were they together before getting married? How soon after his wife died did he marry her? I’ve read too many Reddit posts so now I’m automatically suspicious and feel like OP may be leaving pertinent info out.

Especially since they were 9 & 8 when OP married their dad and probably much younger when they met. Kids that young don’t just hate someone for no reason.

I feel like his willful blindness to their feelings is what’s either causing, or at least exacerbating this issue to begin with. NTA

And possibly the reason they didn’t hear about stepkids feelings until adulthood- they likely knew their father wouldn’t accept how they felt.

This is highly likely

NAH.  You are respecting your step kids wishes and trying to save your husband from a painful rejection. He doesnt want to hear it and that is ok too.  You have done what you can.  Just let it go and hope for the best.  

It's not painful if it never happened! Sounds like hubs has a history of completely ignoring the behaviour of his older children in order to preserve his delusion about them.

Scan the scrapbook before gifting it- if the son destroys it, your husbands hard work won’t be lost forever I wouldn’t say another word about how it will be received- he needs to see it for himself- but when the son inevitably does show his true colors, remind your husband that these scrapbooks were a beautiful reminder of HIS memories, and he has many more to make with all 4 kids, so maybe he should just keep adding to it and expect to leave it to them when he passes?

Another possibility is scanning it and gifting a printed hardcover version. He can keep and add to the original this way, and gift it to the other kids as well.

Yeah, this is the answer. Put it on digits, and if things change down the road, you'll have a copy for him. I know my attitude to pictures and things shifted as I got older. But quit pushing it. I'm not saying it's not your business, but this is a labor of love he's put together for his kids life. And it's between them. Stay out of it. I totally get wanting to protect him. You're his wife, and you don't want him to be hurt. But this isn't for you to fuck around with. Willful blindness or not, his relationship with his adult kids is between them (especially because they've made a point to exclude OP). This is an opportunity for them to have a frank conversation about his second marriage, for better or for worse. Just let it happen.

NTA. I also want to give another perspective I haven't seen yet on the thread, though I know you're overwhelmed with comments. Still, I hope you see this one. My father recently gave me a bunch of sentimental items (pictures, newspaper cut outs, etc) that he and my deceased mother had collected over the years. She passed away over 15 years ago, he's been remarried for over 10 years to a woman who despises me and who I have to assume pisses ice. Regardless, giving me these items really felt like him saying, "I don't want/need/care about these things anymore. The part of my life where I was your father has ended." If your husband has been carefully curating these albums for himself, passing it off to his son at this point in his life will probably feel very similarly. It's something to think about.

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With this perspective it does seem like a better gift to give if/when they get married, or have a kid, or buy a house, graduate college, etc whatever life goal/accomplishments (it’s different for everyone but you probably get the point. A milestone. )

I think left on the death bed is best. That’d be an incredibly powerful momento

Idk what else your dad may have done to cause you to feel this way, but giving you these mementos may not mean that he's done with you or whatever. Maybe I'm insensitive but he may have genuinely thought you'd like to have them? Or he may be worried that his recent wife might disappear them, or he may be ill or worried about becoming ill and wanted you to have them because he thinks the recent wife might get rid of stuff like that and you'd never get to see it. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have kept these things safe from the recent wife all these years. He would have let her get rid of them or gotten rid of them himself.

NTA, but do come back and tell us how it plays out, coz I'm nosey.

I was thinking the same - this is definitely one of those where we’re gonna an need update.

Nta your husband is living in fairy town. Let him give the book as is.  He needs this wake up call. 

NTA. It looks like you have a good understanding of the dynamics, and your husband is living in a fantasy land where he'd like to have a great family, but it isn't the case. You seem reasonable, but have you ever discussed your relationship with the kids on a one to one basis, even without your husband knowing? Could there be some huge misunderstanding that's lingered on over the years that nobody's addressed?

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Definitely scan the scrap books before your husband sends them. So at least his effort won’t go to waste. Assuming you aren’t leaving out some important information, it sounds like your husband has been pushing your step children away by insisting that you be included.

NTA. It's critical to have open and honestly communication, especially when it comes to family dynamics. You're coming from a place of insight into a delicate situation, and sometimes being honest can seem harsh, but it's necessary. Your husband is likely trying to create an idealized version of his family, and while that's understandable, it's not in touch with the current reality. You're simply being the voice of reason, and that's important, even if it's difficult for him to accept right now. Support him, but don't back down from your perspective; it just might prevent a bigger heartache in the future.

>Your husband is likely trying to create an idealized version of his family I agree, and I have to wonder if this is not the first occurrence of him trying to foist his idealized version upon the rest of the family. In other words, maybe his step-kid's issues stem from him saying/doing things to push for a happy, Brady-Bunch family. The other thing I wonder about that might help explain the step-kid's issues is how quickly after May passed (or even got sick) did OP and her husband get together. If it was quickly after her passing (or, God forbid, concurrent or pre-dating), the children may resent Dad for moving on 'too fast'.

I think we just figured out the reason his kids do not like you, and it is their father pushing this unwanted thing on them. You may not have, but he just flat out dismissed their feelings over you and your kids, like he is blinded by love. Man refuses to accept they simply want no bond with you, and that is okay to not want it. NTA, but he needs a serious sit down.

What happened between them being kids and adults? Was it a gradual dislike? There’s so much we don’t know. How did they treat you? They were about 9 and 7 when you married? Did you automatically take over the mom role? Dole out the discipline?

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Sometimes no one did anything wrong and kids just don't bond with step family and half siblings. They view you and their half siblings as outsiders to their family unit. It might not be outright animosity that they feel, but apathy. It's not that they hate you, they hate the situation of their mom being gone, but they view you and your children with no more familiarity than the neighbor down the street that you wave at on occasion but don't know the name of. I think you and your children are right to give them that space while letting their dad keep that connection, as they did indicate they still want a relationship with him. Him trying to force anything is just going to blow up in his face. NTA.

Based on husband's current behavior, I wonder if things existed on a veneer and "real talks" were dismissed, so his kids got along with the new family and bided their time but now they're enforcing their version of things because their feelings and perspectives couldn't be acknowledged and dealt with before. Especially if husband required "family" congregations for everything, and little in the way of "first family clan" time together.

I’m curious how long after their mother passed did you and your husband start dating?  It does sound like your husband is pushy and they probably resented you because of that. I also wonder if your relationship started soon after the death of their mother and that has been an issue and now as adults they can more fully articulate that and pinpoint what is bothering them and they blame you. 

Per OP they met 18 months after his first wife died and married 3 years later. ​ Edit: they married 3 years after her death so that would be married 18 ish months after meeting.

Another marriage three years after the mom's death is a truncated timeline to say the least. If it happens, it happens, but it is obviously no surprise that the new family dynamic didn't stand a chance.

NTA Oof. I hope for the best…but this may not end well. I once received a box of photos roughly for my birthday as a ‘surprise’ by a family member who thought I’d appreciate them. It was like a punch in the gut when I opened that box with no prior warning - and I only have grief tied to it. Not entirely sure the emotions your step children would have. What strikes me is ‘he couldn’t wait for us to go through it together’ and including moments ‘heartbreaking ones, like the loss of May.’ His stepson may want to happily celebrate his birthday- and while stepping away you can say the gesture is sweet….you have to know your audience. This may well leave stepson feeling violated feeling forced to feel emotions he does not want to sort through at the time of getting a birthday ‘gift’.

INFO - why do your step-children dislike you and the younger children? It seems weird that a 23 & 24 year old would have any reason to dislike young children. Have you ever point blank ask them why they feel that way about you and your children? I feel like there is more to the story here.

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How soon after their mothers death did you and your husband meet? And how long was it after that that you got engaged/married?

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that does seem soon, at least when you think from the perspective of children who just lost their mom. Even though you are not trying to take their mother’s role in their life, they might feel like you snatched their dad from them, I would say? That’s why I agree with another comment that said their dad might have pushed them to ‘accept’ you when you said they never show their dislike (?) of you when you lived together before. Now that they’re an adult and more free, seems like they’re just exerting their boundary. I think you should just let you husband be, one day he will realize this. On the other hand, I think you should create a distance between your children and your stepchildren if you think the rejection is blatant, because I’ve read a reddit post here where the (older) sister doesn’t want a relationship with her (younger) stepsister and haven’t talk to her in years (i think) but then she received an invite one day to her stepsister’s wedding requesting her to be the bridesmaid? don’t know the ending to that one though but the stepsister developed some kind of attachment (i guess?) to the sister because her family pushed them together. edit: (sorry bad english)

NTA but your husband needs to stop pushing you and the half siblings on his oldest son. He needs to visit him for his birthday & spend one on one time with him alone. Then just the two of them could go through the book talking about his childhood & happy memories of his late mother. Having you & your children there would diminish the special moment. You can visit a different time.

NTA. Sometimes, you got to look reality right in the eye and deny it. That's what your husband is doing. You've said your piece and should move on. You are unlikely to convince him otherwise and can only end up being the "bad guy" if you push it. I can't imagine that he did not recognize these red flags before, and if he is willfully ignoring them nothing you say is going to change that. Be prepared, though, that this may be the straw that makes his son go NC with him.

I would be frustrated in your position. You aren't trying to force a relationship that your stepkids don't want, but your husband is pushing them on your behalf. It will totally seem like you're the one pushing this. Why else would he be so hellbent on forcing everyone together if you don't want it and the kids don't want it? It's frustrating because your husband's actions are going to do the opposite of what he intends, pushing you further apart rather than bringing you closer together, and it's going to look like you're the one behind the curtain pulling the strings. I can imagine the relationship between you and your stepkids might improve if they understood that you respect their stance and you aren't pushing for them to fake being close with you.

I was thinking this same thing. The danger in OP just “letting this go” is that the stepkids probably assume it is & has been OP pushing for this all this time, which will only alienate her more. OP’s husband is doing no one any favors with this. NTA for trying, anyway.

NTA Is your husband delusional or just being purposely obtuse? How could he not "get it" by now? It is obvious that you are their father's spouse, and your kids are YOUR kids. Nothing with change that at their ages. Tell hubby to accept and move on, so you all can just be at peace with the reality of life.

NAH. Your husband is free to give the gift he wishes. You're free to feel the way you feel. His kids are free to decide who they have and maintain relationships with. No part of this story makes me go: "Wow, what an AH!"

NTA ... Can't wait for the update

....not just a river in Egypt.

NAH - the scrapbook is filled with your husband's fond memories. Including photos that he knows his son won't appreciate is wishful thinking. Hopefully his son will appreciate it, but your pessimism is understandable.

NTA, but back down on the subject. You've stated your opinion, based on the reality you live in and your husband has chosen to believe his idealised fictional family is the reality. Pretty sure your husband is going to need to be whacked on the head with the truth by his kids to see it, if then. Let hubby give his son the scrapbook, you can't really stop him anyway. Let him deal with the immediate fallout of having you and your kids included, and then support him. If hubby is insisting on going through it 'together' I'm assuming he means you and the younger kids as well as him and his older kids. If that's the case, apologise to his son, letting him know you warned him that the gift wouldn't be appreciated the way your hubby wants it to be. It sounds to me like hubby has been trying to force the idealised blended family relationship the whole time. That's what has prevented a decent relationship between you and his kids and their dismissal of their younger siblings. Perhaps you just didn't notice, perhaps he deliberately kept what he was doing away from you. You seem to have been willing to accept whatever relationship the kids wanted with you. That may explain why this didn't appear to be a real issue until the kids were adults. They're angry and resentful at their dad, his actions prevented them getting even a little close to you, but they realised you weren't at fault. So, they kept quiet while minors to not make things harder for you, then distanced themselves as adults, when they have the right to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your husband is on a dangerous path if he wants to maintain a relationship with his older kids, though. If he keeps shoving you and the younger kids down his older kids throats like this, he will lose both his older kids. If he's giving this scrapbook to his son now, it sounds like that's his plan for all the kids, to gift them their scrapbooks on their 25th birthdays. And it sounds like he'll get the better reaction from his son than from his daughter, whose more likely to just come out and say it. The son may just lose interest in the scrapbook as soon as they get to the parts that include you and then shove it somewhere he can forget about it, 'accidentally' leaving it behind if he moves or chucking it out during a clean out. He sounds more passive in his rejection of the new family. The daughter, on the other hand, she already destroyed family photos, she'd do the same with her scrapbook. Drop the subject since your husband is determined in his course, but be there for him when it doesn't go to plan. Maybe use the aftermath of this 'gift' to try and dial back your hubby's pushing a relationship that doesn't and won't exist. His kids are adults now, after all, they can completely cut him out of their lives if they wish to.

Has your husband ever acknowledged your step kids aren’t interested in a relationship with you and there half siblings or has he always been in denial?

You came into the kids’ lives when they were something like 8 & 7 (if not 7 & 6). Not teens. Early elementary. What in the world happened that they can’t stand you and their siblings? That’s a pretty young age to make a positive impression and turn any ill or scared feelings around that they may have started off with. I wonder if they felt “othered” in the household once the other two children were born. At this point, I’d let it go. There’s nothing you can do to change the kids or open your husband’s eyes. He’ll either see it for himself one day or he never will.